Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I grew up in a fairly loving, supportive environment, and I don’t understand why I’m so filled with self-loathing. I hate my appearance, my mannerisms, my personality—everything. Most of the time I don’t understand why someone would want to date me or even be my friend.

A bit about me: My parents got divorced when I was young, but it wasn’t the messy, hateful kind I sometimes read about. They both loved me and I remember spending equal time with both of them. We’d go on trips and I remember being happy. I’ve had friends all my life, and though I got teased a bit in school (like I think all kids do at times), I wasn’t tortured by bullies or scared to go to school.

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But around the time I got to high school all of my jokes started being at my own expense, and my friends would get tired of my self-deprecating humor. A couple of people have told me it makes me difficult to be around—but, of course, that just makes me hate myself even more.

I’m nearing my 40s and am single, and would like to find a partner at some point, though I’m not sure I deserve it. Everything I see keeps saying, “You have to love yourself first,” and, “No one will love you unless you love yourself.” Is that true? I want to like myself, but I have no idea where to start. Any suggestions? —Accidentally in Loathe

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Dear Accidentally,

To some extent, yes, it is true that until you love yourself, you are unlikely to be able to receive love fully from another. It doesn’t mean others won’t love you; it means you might not be able to experience their love, might question their love, and ultimately may push their love away.

It sounds as if you have been struggling with this for a very long time, and I wonder if you have explored counseling as a way to learn more about where these feelings of self-loathing and dissatisfaction come from and how to combat them. If you haven’t tried counseling yet, I strongly recommend that you do so.

Those messages you’ve been giving yourself (and those around you) can change. It begins with exploring the radical notion that we all are worthy of love, even when we don’t feel worthy.

From your description, it sounds as if your self-deprecating humor may have started out as a bit of a defense mechanism in high school. It’s not uncommon to use jokes at our own expense to defend ourselves from feelings of insecurity and fears of rejection. A common thought is that if we can name our faults ourselves, nobody else has ammunition to use against us, and the sting of another’s insult will somehow be less painful. What often happens is this defense mechanism becomes a habit. Then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. We downplay our self-worth until we cease to believe we have any.

The good news is habits can be unlearned. Those messages you’ve been giving yourself (and those around you) can change. It begins with exploring the radical notion that we all are worthy of love, even when we don’t feel worthy. It begins with finding the things about ourselves that we do appreciate (even if they are small). Often, when I ask people in therapy to share their strengths, they struggle to identify any. When I rephrase and ask what their loved ones would identify, they are able to list several. Starting to see your gifts and strengths through the eyes of others can be a place to begin as you move toward eventually claiming your own value and self-worth.

Best of luck,

Erika

“When you know better, you do better.” —Maya Angelou

Have you ever met someone who was great at making decisions? Their decisions may not always work out flawlessly, but the confidence they demonstrate when making decisions is impressive. Confident decision-makers have an ability to balance the opinions and advice of others with their inner voice. Even when their plan doesn’t go as hoped, there is a level of peace that comes from knowing, at the time, they made the best decision they knew to make. They learn from the experience and use the newfound knowledge toward their next decision.

So what is the trick to making sound decisions? How can we begin to incorporate this type of confidence when making choices? That depends. There may be research you have to do, people with whom you need to consult, financial situations to consider, time management—the list goes on. What I have found to be one of the most helpful questions to consider during the decision-making process is, “Am I making this decision based on fear or love?”

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What’s love got to do with it? I’m referring to an all-encompassing love for yourself, for others, for the work you do—for your life. Don’t get me wrong; I understand we don’t always have an array of choices we love. Sometimes we have to choose between the lesser of two evils. But when we do, are we basing that decision on fear or love? And why does that even matter?

Think about it. How many times have you made a decision based on fear or reacted in fear and thought, “Gee, that went well! I was at my best when I reacted that way.” A certain level of fear is healthy and keeps us safe, but I’m not referring to physical safety. Our safety and the safety of others is always priority. I’m talking about choices that require us to dig deeper after we’ve done our due diligence, ensured our safety and the safety of others, and examined the logistics. Choices such as:

• Do I take my dream job that requires me to move across the country and leave behind my comfort zone, or take the one I’ve been doing for years which I dread but keeps me comfortable?
• Do I go through with this wedding because we’ve already put money down and have friends/family coming to the wedding, or do I tell my fiancé(e) that I can’t do this and risk disappointing everyone?
• Do I start trying to conceive a baby because I yearn to experience being a parent, or confront the reality I’m not sure I ever want to have children?

When we slow down and decide from a place of self-love, we:

1. Identify and meet our needs in a way that does not harm, manipulate, exploit, or take advantage of others (notice I didn’t say disappoint; sometimes, caring for ourselves first may disappoint others).
2. Have more clarity about our intentions and expectations, so there is less disappointment if things don’t go the way we hope.
3. Prioritize our mental, physical, and spiritual well-being, which better equips us to care for and love others.

On the flip side, when fear and anxiety drive our decisions there is a greater chance of regretting them, feeling resentful, and jeopardizing our mental, physical, and spiritual well-being.

Sometimes we may need help from others; a solid support system can help sort through the confusion. Talk therapy can offer a safe, supportive environment for discernment. Finding a good therapist will present you with an opportunity to process your choices and help you develop the skills to manage the emotions that come with them.

Slowing down the decision process will not fully eliminate anxiety or facilitate making difficult choices, but it may allow us to be at peace with our decisions—no matter the outcome.

Remember, take good care of yourself so you can offer the best of yourself to others.

“The best part of beauty is that which no picture can express.” —Francis Bacon, English philosopher

A large portion of the U.S. economy would grind to a halt if people made peace with their bodies. Billions of dollars are spent each year on plastic surgery, botox, lasers, corsets, diets, and psychotropics to deal with body-related depression and anxiety—all of it fueled by the advertisers’ goal: making people feel unattractive and inadequate. Photoshop and other image-manipulation tools, with their ability to refine and enhance the already polished, have only added to the impossibly perfectionistic landscape.

If you want to get off and stay off the train of self-loathing and body hatred, stop watching or listening to any programming that features ads. Ditto for many magazines. Embrace the way you were made.

If you have curly hair, learn to love it. If it’s thin and wispy, love that, too.

Curvy? Fabulous! No waist? Just great! Tall? Beautiful! Short? Lovely!

Celebrate your unique beauty.

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There will always be someone who finds you appealing. If you spend your life in a state of self-hatred, how can you expect to attract anyone you might want?

Try this approach instead.

Hate your thighs? Imagine having no legs. Hate your arms? Imagine them gone. Start being appreciative of what your body is and what it can do. Can you see? Hear? Move? If yes, lucky you. Lamenting what you don’t have and buying into unattainable ideals of beauty (always youthful, of course) is a clear path to misery.

Be strong. Swim against the tide of peer pressure and groupthink. Use your own brain. Decide for yourself what is important. If it’s looks and physical prowess, I can assure you they will fade. Then what?

When you don’t think you look your best, make a point of emphasizing your best qualities. Maybe you have a wicked sense of humor. Perhaps you are very kind. Let these qualities shine. Mother Teresa wasn’t a fashion icon, yet was beloved by more people than we can count. No one remembers Marie Curie for her looks, either.

Want to feel liberated? Care less about what you assume others think of you. Trust me, they are way too preoccupied thinking about themselves to give your appearance more than a passing thought.

What do you bring to the table? Bring it! Even when you think you might look ravishing, your attention to externals may come with less focus on internals. How will that help develop you as a person? Bring your truest self to every situation; perhaps you won’t be universally liked, but whoever likes you will like the real you.

Want to feel liberated? Care less about what you assume others think of you. Trust me, they are way too preoccupied thinking about themselves to give your appearance more than a passing thought.

Want a great relationship? Don’t base it on appearances. Anyone attracted primarily to your looks may want to trade you in for a newer model when you are no longer so fetching.

Want to feel better? Give yoga a try. Any yoga, unless it’s grueling and torturous, will help you make peace with your body. How does it do that? It combines mindfulness with deep breathing to promote calm. A relaxed body is usually happier than a stressed one. All those yummy chemicals yoga catalyzes may help you feel good about yourself.

Move your body, sleep at least seven hours a night, and eat a vegetable-heavy diet. If you do these things more days than not, a compelling case can be made that whatever weight you are is your natural, healthy weight.

Celebrate your unique beauty every day. Look in the mirror and do as motivational author Louise Hay does: say, “I love you, (your name), I really, really love you.” After thousands of repetitions, you just may start believing it too.

How much of your precious time do you want to spend having an adversarial relationship with your body? How do you want to feel about it? Do you want to appreciate all its miracles? Do you want to focus on everything that works well? When you hear yourself thinking a negative body thought, ask yourself, “Is that what I really want to tell myself? What would I rather think?” Practice this and see what effect it has.

Your body, right now, in its current form, is a temple. Treat it that way and watch what happens.

Reference:

Dent, M. (2016, March 9). Plastic Surgery Reaches a New Record: The Top 5 Nip-and-Tucks in 2015. Retrieved from http://www.cnbc.com/2016/03/09/plastic-surgery-reaches-a-new-record-the-top-5-nip-and-tucks-in-2015.html

As a therapist, I hear the word “should” often. Usually it appears just before a spike in anxiety, a precipitous drop in self-esteem, or a sudden crying jag: “I should be over this by now!”

What is it about “should” that has such a powerful impact on our feelings about ourselves and others? Can it be helpful? Why is it hurtful? In the paragraphs that follow, I’ll try to answer those questions. I’ll also try to uncover some of the thoughts and feelings that get hidden under all that “should”-ing.

‘Shoulds’ as Aspirations and Values

Psychology thinkers going back to Sigmund Freud (1914) have discussed a part of the personality, what Freud termed the “ego ideal,” that orients us toward our values and aspirations, the things we want for ourselves. As my teacher Jon Frederickson describes it, our ideals and aspirations are a kind of “north star”—we can sail our ship toward it, but never quite touch it.

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This north star can be a useful guide to a meaningful life, as in, “I should go back to school so I can reach my goal of becoming a psychologist.” In this example from my own life, the “should” came from a place of self-love and represented a realistic possibility for me at that time. However, what if I had started should-ing myself about grad school in a harsh and critical way? What if I was should-ing myself about grad school, but at a time in my life when grad school was not a realistic option? What if those “shoulds” became a stick to beat myself with, rather than an aspirational system to motivate myself with?

‘Shoulds’ as Self-Punishments

“I should have known better!”

“I shouldn’t have done that!”

Our aspirations and values are misused in the service of self-punishment when we hold ourselves and others accountable for things that simply aren’t possible. How could you have known something you did not know? How could you have avoided doing something you did not know would hurt you?

When we “should” ourselves in this way, it’s like saying, “You should be able to touch your north star—if you had paddled hard enough, you’d be there by now!” This is the misuse of an ideal and guide in the service of self-punishment.

This kind of thinking seems to be especially common with people who would identify themselves as “perfectionists.” In perfectionism, we tend to embrace, for better and for worse, an underlying fantasy that we can somehow be united with our north star. We are no longer chasing an ideal; we are seeking to become ideal. Many perfectionistic people wind up coming in for therapy when their imperfections, which are just a symptom of their humanity, disrupt their fantasy of becoming one with their “ego ideal.” Sadly, self-criticism and varying levels of anxiety and depression usually ensue.

‘Shoulds’ in Relationships

“You should stand up for me!”

Our aspirations and values are misused in the service of self-punishment when we hold ourselves and others accountable for things that simply aren’t possible.

“You should know how I’m feeling!”

Just as we hold certain ideals and aspirations for ourselves, which we can both benefit from and misuse, we also hold ideals for the people in our lives, and images of how we wish them to be. When our relationships move toward these ideals it can feel wonderful, and we want to hold onto that forever.

However, just as we are much more complex and human than our ideal selves, our partners, friends, and family can turn out to be a lot more complicated than how we want them to be. When we refuse to accept that, we can try to force them to be closer to our ideal; however, “You should be more like …” essentially translates to, “You should not be you!” If you have tried this relationship strategy for getting your partner to be more like your ideal, you may have found, as I have, people don’t seem to like that.

What ‘Shoulds’ Can Distract Us From

So why all this should-ing? What is the function of “should” in our relationships with ourselves and others?

To me, “should” seems to be a kind of escape, what Anna Freud would call a “denial by fantasy” (Freud, 1936). When we “should” ourselves and others, we escape from the complicated feelings we have about our complicated lives into a fantasy of how things “should” be. Letting go of this fantasy of how things should be would mean we have to experience life on life’s terms and cope with how things are, which can stir up pain, anger, and other mixed emotions.

As painful as it can be to face the emotions and realities that “should” can obscure, there is a certain freedom in accepting what is, what exists in front of us. When we worship at the altar of “what should be,” we miss out on opportunities to interact with and learn from the events and emotions of the moment. We wind up chasing a star, rather than letting that star guide us safely to port.

If You Want Help with ‘Shoulds’

If you find your thinking dominated by “should,” try to figure out what aspect(s) of your reality you are avoiding by taking refuge (often false refuge) in a fantasy of how life “should” be. See if you can challenge yourself to accept and look honestly at the things you are trying to erase with “shoulds.”

Looking at the plain picture of yourself and your reality, without the distraction of the should-ing thoughts, may stir up strong and complicated emotions. See if you can listen to and learn from these. You may learn a lot from the thoughts and emotions about your present and past reality that you have learned to avoid through should-ing.

In the process of taking an honest look at yourself, your life, and your loved ones, you may encounter anxiety, which will tempt you to retreat back into “shoulds.” If anxiety and avoidance are interfering with your ability to get past your “shoulds,” I encourage you to work with a therapist who can help you face the thoughts and emotions getting stuck underneath all the should-ing. By facing this important challenge, you may develop more flexibility to deal with life on life’s terms, rather than dealing with yourself in terms of how you “should” be.

References:

1. Frederickson, J. (2013, August 13). Perfectionism. Retrieved from http://istdpinstitute.com/2013/perfectionism/
2. Freud, A. (1936). The Ego and the Mechanisms of Defence. New York: International Universities Press.
3. Freud, S. (1914). On narcissism: an introduction. Standard Edition, 14: 73-102.

People generally want to be accepted. For many, this means fitting in with the crowd. In order to do that, you may feel pressure to think and behave a certain way. The trouble is that when you try so hard to be what someone else considers normal, you may lose a part of yourself in the process.

Here are seven reasons why you should stop trying to be normal and start being yourself instead:

1. Normal May Mean Playing it Safe

It takes courage to stand out from the crowd and follow your own path. It may be easier to simply do what everyone else is doing, but it probably won’t be nearly as fulfilling.

It can take a huge amount of energy to try to be normal. When you choose normality, you may inadvertently be giving up some of your own strength. You can empower yourself by choosing to honor your authenticity and staying true to who you are.

The choice is yours. You can either choose to potentially be limited by concepts of normality, or you can choose to free yourself and live your life in a way that feels natural to you. You may never know what you can achieve until you try. So rather than trying to be normal, use that energy to discover your own unique potential.

2. Normal Is a Subjective Ideal

The concept of normality is more of a subjective opinion than an objective reality. Each culture develops its own consensus of what is normal. What one culture may consider commonplace another may find unusual.

“The world ‘normal’ suggests there is a right and wrong way to be a person,” said Pandora L. MacLean-Hoover, LICSW. “There isn’t. There is a spectrum of acceptable behavior in lawful societies like ours. It’s vast and varies greatly.”

[fat_widget_right]There is no cookie cutter definition of how a human is supposed to behave. The idea that there is some ideal standard all humans should conform to is likely unrealistic and can be psychologically limiting. All you can do is trust in yourself, honor your values, and do what makes you happy.

3. Normal Is Not Easily Defined

It is often easier for people to define abnormal than it is to nail down a definition of normal. The reason for this is there is no clear definition of what normal is. It is only when someone deviates from what is generally conceived as ordinary that people become concerned with such labels.

“People widely embrace the notion they can always do better,” MacLean-Hoover said. “In doing so, they frequently deny themselves opportunities to validate their efforts. I suggest people become acquainted with the phrase, ‘I did my best.’”

4. Perfection Does Not Exist

Often, when people are trying to be normal, what they’re really trying to achieve is perfection. Perfection is unattainable, and when you strive for it, you may end up focusing too much on perceived flaws and not enough on strengths.

According to Andrew Archer, LCSW, a major drawback of trying to achieve perfection is that it is generally driven by a feeling of not being “good enough.”

“The self-fulfilling prophecy of perfectionism leads to perpetual cycles of dissatisfaction because the person gives 110% all the time, but never believes that they themselves are worthy or deserving in some way,” Archer said. “The negative belief gets in the way of ostensible achievement.”

Humans are not perfect. Mistakes happen and that is how we learn. Choose to find the beauty in the imperfections. If everything was already perfect, there wouldn’t be any room for growth.

5. People May Miss Out on Your Uniqueness

When you identify yourself as normal, you may be giving up your personal identity. We all have our differences. Embrace yours, and respect those of others.

Everyone possesses unique characteristics and qualities. When you deny yourself the right to be uniquely you, the entire world could be missing out.Can you imagine how boring life would be if everyone was the same? Everyone possesses unique characteristics and qualities. When you deny yourself the right to be uniquely you, the entire world could be missing out. Do yourself and the rest of us a favor: be yourself and be proud of who you are.

“If being ‘normal’ means being the same as others, then the benefits for being different are enjoyed in the form of recognition. This is especially true for creative people,” MacLean-Hoover said. “Striving for normality may magnify fear of failing while it diminishes creativity. Being curious and creative requires taking risk. Worrying about living up to a nonexistent standard puts a person’s emphasis on the outcome instead of the process.”

Emphasizing the outcome and seeking external acceptance is not likely to help you feel fulfilled. You are more likely to find genuine happiness through self-acceptance. Rather than trying to get other people to love you, try to simply love yourself.

6. Labels Are for Soup Cans, Not People

Labels are useful for some things, but they often don’t fit in well with the messy world of human emotions and personality traits. Even psychological diagnoses can be challenging to make, as no two people diagnosed with a single condition are exactly alike.

If normal is equated with the status quo, then abnormality becomes equal to nonconformity, Archer said.

“The American Psychological Association and the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual are good examples of a process that is implicitly defining normality through a diagnostic classification system of ‘disorders,’” Archer said. “There is a sense of abnormality created when a person is diagnosed with a ‘mental illness.’ The injustices of this system are both the eradication of culture within the process and the lack of definition for ‘normal.’”

People are not easily categorized, and perhaps this is for the best. Human life is too organic to be rigidly classified. Normal might be more of an abstraction than a human experience.

7. Normal May Not Change the World

Normal may be similar to usual, average, typical, or expected. Normal implies conforming to a preconceived standard, which can limit your potential. You might never achieve the extraordinary as long you choose to remain ordinary. Normal generally doesn’t mean stretching limits. Normal doesn’t commonly mean thinking outside the box. Normal usually doesn’t mean achieving greatness.

“Typically, we get caught up in comparison of what we think was normal or should be ideal when we reflect on the past or daydream on potential future understandings of who we think we are,” Archer said.

Don’t be normal. Be you.

I think you have quite a bit of insight about your problem: your childhood experiences and past relationships have shaped your worldview in such a way that you don’t trust your current reality.

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You have made yourself vulnerable by committing to not hurting your husband—and that feels scary to you. We all carry some baggage from our formative experiences into current relationships. It seems, however, that your fears are preventing you from enjoying your relationship as you could. I imagine you find yourself in a pretty constant state of anxiety or fear—watching and waiting for evidence that you might get hurt. That’s exhausting. It also can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. We expect someone to tire of us, and we push for reassurance or we accuse them of not caring enough until they do tire of our behaviors and disengage from the relationship. That then confirms what we believed all along—that people will hurt us and leave us.

Most people will leave us if we push them away hard enough. The challenge is not to push when we feel scared or vulnerable, but to engage and connect.

To accept love, you must feel worthy of love. It sounds as if that may be a significant part of your struggles.

There is no quick fix or easy answer to your question. I recommend that you find a therapist to work through your relationship fears and feelings of self-worth. There is quite a bit of healing that will likely need to happen before you can fully embrace being in relationship with another person.

To accept love, you must feel worthy of love. It sounds as if that may be a significant part of your struggles. You can talk with a therapist about how to bring your husband into the work you do together—as he can likely be a great support for you. If he understands your triggers and how to respond most effectively to you, that can only enhance your relationship. However, I do not suggest focusing on couples work. I think you would benefit first and foremost from individual work to address your concerns.

Best wishes,
Erika

“Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t—you’re right.” —Henry Ford

When Henry Ford first conceived of the V8 motor, his engineers told him it was simply impossible to cast an 8-cylinder engine block in just one piece. Ford told the engineers to do it anyway. He instructed them to try until they succeeded, no matter how long it took. If they wished to remain employed by Ford, this was their one and only task. After more than a year of trying with no results, Ford told them to continue. Shortly after, the first V8 motor was built.

Our thoughts and beliefs shape both our perception and experience of ourselves and the world around us. Research indicates that nearly 80% of our self talk is negative. Imagine spending your whole day listening to a recording of whining, complaints, and criticisms. What many people fail to recognize is that they are listening to these types of thoughts in their head on repeat every day.

Our programming can become so ingrained in us that we may not be aware of its existence. Thoughts such as “I’m not good at anything,” “Life is hard,” or “People can’t be trusted” may cross our minds so frequently that we begin to recognize them as facts and no longer question the possibility that things could be different.

The word affirmation comes from the Latin affirmare, which means “to strengthen and make steady.” Affirmation statements are affirming that something is true for us. The purpose of positive affirmations is to affirm to ourselves that things are good even if we don’t necessarily feel that way at the time.

Positive affirmations have the power to transform lives. They play a significant role in many therapeutic models—including cognitive behavioral therapy, a treatment for depression. Positive affirmations are also at the forefront of many 12-step rehabilitation programs.

[fat_widget_right]Carefully constructed positive affirmations can “rewire” our brains to break negative thought patterns. Similar to exercise, positive affirmations can actually increase the amount of feel-good hormones in our brains. Positive thoughts create positive emotions, which can actually change our physiology and improve our mental, emotional, and physical health.

Here are 15 positive affirmations that can help change your life:

1. I am worthy of love, happiness, and fulfillment.

This affirmation can increase your self-esteem and self-worth. You are what you believe you are!

2. I have the power within me to create the life I desire.

This empowering statement can help you recognize that you alone have the power to create the life you want. Honor your power to choose by choosing thoughts and actions that positively contribute to your life.

3. Each new day is filled with infinite potential and possibility.

You’ve probably heard the phrase “Tomorrow is a new day.” Every new day brings with it new opportunities. Carpe Diem. Seize the day by making the most of the opportunities available to you.

4. I am so grateful for my life and all its blessings.

An attitude of gratitude can not only boost your mood and increase your awareness of all the blessings you already possess, but it also serves to attract even more good things into your life.

5. I forgive myself and hold myself in a state of compassion.

Forgiveness can free us from past burdens and allow us to operate from a clean slate. Love yourself, recognize that you did the best you could in the past, and strive to continue to learn and do better in the future.

6. I love and accept myself just the way I am.

The simple act of self-acceptance can radically transform your life. A healthy relationship with yourself is necessary if you wish to have healthy relationships with others.

7. I am strong in my values and confident in my abilities.

Strong values and self-confidence can keep you feeling empowered, strong, and capable of taking on life’s challenges.

8. I let go of the past, surrender concerns about the future, and openly receive the experience of the present moment.

When we let go of the past, it no longer has power over us. Choose to live in the present moment and remain open to its possibilities.

9. I continue to learn, grow, and evolve with each passing day.

Remembering that each day is a new opportunity for learning may make it easier to let go of the past and remain excited about the future.

10. I attract experiences that serve my highest good and facilitate personal growth and transformation.

A negative attitude can invite negative experiences. By keeping a positive perspective, we can openly embrace experiences that serve to help us grow and become better people.

11. My life is filled with meaning, purpose, and passion.

Seeking out meaningful experiences that ignite our passions can provide a sense of purpose and fulfillment in our lives.

12. I have positive, healthy, and supportive relationships with my loved ones.

Reminding ourselves that we wish to have healthy and supportive relationships in our lives can remind us to treat others with kindness, compassion, and respect. It can also empower us to stand up for ourselves by creating healthy boundaries in our relationships.

13. I am confident in my talents, strengths, gifts, and abilities.

Being confident in your gifts and strengths can give you the courage needed to put yourself out there and seize the opportunities presented.

14. I have the courage and tenacity to overcome any challenge I face.

There’s no doubt that life can sometimes be difficult. Regularly reminding ourselves of our courage and tenacity can provide us the strength needed to get through even the toughest of times.

15. I freely give and receive unconditional love and acceptance to myself and others.

Life is of little meaning without love. Reminding ourselves to be open to giving and receiving love can be important, especially after loss. Rather than guard your heart, choose to remain open to the love that is all around you.

Our thoughts and beliefs shape both our perception and experience of ourselves and the world around us. Research indicates that nearly 80% of our self talk is negative.The more personal the affirmations are, the more likely they are to work for you. Try using the above affirmations as a guide to aid you in creating your own affirmation statements. Start by identifying your negative thought patterns and creating positive countering statements. For example, a phrase such as “I’m not good at anything” may become “I always do my best.”

Affirmations are most effective when implemented into a daily routine. Your own quotes can be read, spoken aloud, and thought several times throughout the day.  Repetition is key. The more you say it, the more you may believe it.

Affirmations are more than simply repeating words, however. Though the process may seem silly if you’re new to it, affirmations have the power to drastically improve lives by freeing people from their own negativity and self-doubt. Using affirmations is a practice of recognizing and changing your thoughts on a daily basis. Eventually, positive thoughts can transform your cognitive patterns and negative thoughts may become less prominent. The more you can consciously choose your thoughts, the better your life can be.

“Thoughts become things, choose the good ones.” —Mike Dooley

References:

1. Ford Motor Company Timeline. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://corporate.ford.com/company/history.html
2. Fundukian, L. J., Ed. (2011). Cognitive-behavioral therapy. In The Gale Encyclopedia of Medicine, Vol. 2, 4th ed. (pp. 1061–1064). Detroit, MI: Gale
3. Harra, C. (2013, July 6). 35 Affirmations That Will Change Your Life. Retrieved from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-carmen-harra/affirmations_b_3527028.html
4. Hay, Louise L. (2010, June). How to use affirmations. Going bonkers, Vol. 4, Issue 3, 58–61.
5. Hill, N. (1987). Think and grow rich. New York: Fawcett Books.
6. Maxwell, C. (2014, October 6). Self-Talk: Shifting Negative Thoughts to Positive. Retrieved from http://www.askdrmaxwell.com/2014/10/positive-thinking-self-talk/

Have you ever called yourself “stupid” just because you made a mistake?

When you look in the mirror, do you curse your reflection for not being attractive enough?

Do you make silent, sarcastic remarks to yourself after you speak?

When you engage in self-criticism, it’s like having your very own personal bully living inside your head.

Whenever you try something new, the bully is there to taunt you. When you think about taking a risk, the bully lets you know you’ll probably fail. And when it comes to relationships, the bully is the first to point out your flaws and weaknesses, all the reasons no one could ever really love you.

The bully loves to control you. It’s the bully’s “thing.”

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Your bully is happiest when you’re anxious about screwing up, or else feeling like you already screwed up. That’s what gives bullies their power.

If you want to ditch the bully, you’ll need to take your power back. But before you can do that, make sure you really want to get rid of the bully inside your head.

“What?” you may ask. “How can you even ask me that? Of COURSE I want to ditch this bully!”

Are you sure?

The bully in your head is there for a reason. The bully is there to keep you on your toes. What if you didn’t have a bully pointing out how badly you’re doing in everything? How much worse might you be?

Taking your power back by rejecting the lie (i.e., there’s something wrong with you) is much easier said than done. But what does it feel like to consider the possibility that you’re just fine exactly as you are?

The real bully is your belief that there’s something inherently wrong with you. How ready do you feel to let go of that?

As long as you suspect there’s something wrong with you, you’ll need a bully to keep you on the right track.

Taking your power back by rejecting the lie (i.e., there’s something wrong with you) is much easier said than done. But what does it feel like to consider the possibility that you’re just fine exactly as you are?

Take a few moments to mull it over.

What does it mean if there is really, truly nothing at all wrong with you? It could mean a lot of things, not all of them pleasant. For example:

• You’ve been treated worse than you deserve to be treated.
• You’ve turned down opportunities that might have made your life better.
• Your expectations of yourself may have seemed too high, but have really been too low.
• Your expectations of others have been low or nonexistent.
• You wasted years not following your dreams for fear you didn’t deserve them.

Taking back your power from the bully in your head is not without cost. The cost of taking back your power is regret—for all the years you let the bully control you.

Go ahead and feel the regret. You earned it and it won’t kill you.

Then take back your power by saying no to the bully who insists there’s something wrong with you.

There’s no special trick to it. Just do it.

Act as if there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re a good person. You won’t do bad things just because no one’s there to criticize you anymore.

You trusted the bully to take care of you all these years, but it cost you some self-esteem. Trust yourself now. Ditch the bully.

When the bully calls you stupid or unattractive, say, “I disagree.” Then mentally walk away from that criticism.

That’s how you take charge. One thought, one moment, at a time.

Good luck taking on your bully. Let me know how it goes.

Being deserving means having an expectation of goodness in your life. It is the goodness of people, relationships, and situations that we all want and deserve in our lifetime. We are all deserving of:

• a safe place to live and work
• relationships and people who love us
• colleagues and employers who respect and support us

The idea of being deserving isn’t a new one. But for someone who is not used to feeling deserving or worthy, it can be a difficult concept.

As a black woman, I grew up with conflicting messages from my family telling me that I was capable and deserving of whatever my heart desired. But then I went into the world only to be told directly and indirectly how undeserving I was. Whether I was undeserving of the same respectful treatment my colleagues were given, of being seated at a restaurant, or of the promotion that I’d worked hard for, I was constantly told and reminded how undeserving I was.

For many people, there is a tension between what we come to believe we deserve and what others tell us we deserve. Whether it’s an outsider or ourselves limiting our expectations, though, it makes it more challenging to live a fulfilled life. Perhaps the limitations you experience in life are a result of a deeper belief that you don’t deserve more. Though it doesn’t feel good, it is familiar to stay in a situation that you’re used to.

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But it doesn’t have to be this way. There are steps you can take toward having the life you want and deserve.

First, ask yourself, “Do I deserve good things in my life?” If the answer is no, why not? Why can’t you have the relationship, job, or life that you want? Take the time to write your answers. You may surprise yourself with the thoughts that are unconsciously swirling around your head. Many times, these buried thoughts come from long-ago experiences that hurt us and continue to influence us today. If you don’t uncover them, you can’t change them!

Now that you know where your feelings of being undeserving come from, you have some investigating to do. Are the comments that were made to you 20 years true today? Were they true then? Don’t give yourself an automatic answer; take the time to expose the validity, or lack thereof, of these thoughts.

A true investigation requires more than just your perspective. Gather three people who are honest, who love and encourage you. Ask for their opinion and thoughts about the messages you received when you were younger. Picking the right three people is key. They shouldn’t be people who will agree with you no matter what; otherwise, you won’t believe them. Nor should they be the people who initially conveyed these messages! They need to be people who will be honest with you while loving and supporting you.

Once your investigation is complete, you need to review this new information. Ask yourself again, “Am I deserving?” and “What am I deserving of?” Are your answers any different than the original ones?

What do you want to do with this new information? Do you want to hold onto it and ponder it? Or are you ready to take action and make changes in your life?

If you are ready to make a change, repeat the following daily: “I am worthy and deserving of goodness.”

Imagine the difference on your psyche and in your interactions with others if you move from saying “I’m worthless” day after day to saying “I am worthy and deserving of goodness.” Repeat “I am worthy and deserving of goodness” each time you go outside. Whether you’re leaving for work in the morning, taking a lunch break, or going to the store, say it. In doing so, you will challenge your thinking and your beliefs about your worth. It will lead you to the interactions, relationships, and situations that you are truly deserving of!

What or who makes you feel deserving? Let us know in the comments section below.

It might surprise you to hear this, but I think you might be on to something in seeking self-acceptance. While I do not think that you should accept that your current circumstances and perspectives are all that you can ever hope for, it is very difficult to change deeply held beliefs about yourself. Leaping right to changing these beliefs might feel impossible and therefore fruitless. So, for now, you might simply accept that these are the beliefs that you currently have about yourself. Your next step could then be to fully explore these beliefs. Try to understand where they came from and how they are impacting your life. Partnering with a therapist to engage in this exploration could be very helpful.

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Often, the destructive beliefs we have about ourselves and the negative behaviors we engage in served a purpose for us at one time. For example, a child who is routinely told that he is no good and worthless might learn to believe this over time as a means of minimizing the shock and hurt that he feels when he is criticized. This child might also learn to keep people at a distance so that he does not risk being hurt by them, too. These coping mechanisms might help this child survive and make it into adulthood, but if he continues to hold these beliefs about himself and keep people at a distance, he will likely be quite lonely and unhappy. Working with a therapist might help you to identify the purpose that your beliefs once served and determine whether they are still necessary.

As for an exploration of how these beliefs are impacting your life now, consider some of the following questions: Do these beliefs prevent you from doing things socially? Do they interfere with your ability to succeed professionally? Do they create conflict in the relationships you have? Do they stop you from engaging in hobbies? Now, imagine you could somehow send these beliefs on a vacation for a day—they would just get up, leave you and be gone for the day. How might you feel without these beliefs about yourself? How would you spend this day? Who would you interact with? What would you do? Tapping into even a glimmer of what life could be like in the absence of these beliefs can arm you with the inspiration and hope you need to take some steps toward healing.

All my best,
Sarah

The world can be a cold and cruel place, and as such, every display of warmth and goodness makes a difference. Performing random acts of kindness for those around you—such as opening doors, offering to help carry groceries, giving free hugs, or buying a cup of hot coffee for a stranger—can trigger a ripple effect, reverberating outward into the masses and spreading the good vibes like wildfire.

However, if you’re feeling lonely and unloved, showing kindness to others is often a stretch; in fact, it can be nearly impossible to do so with any amount of sincerity.

“We have all heard the adage that ‘you can’t love anyone else if you don’t love yourself first,’ and this is 100% true,” says Marla B. Cohen, PsyD. “When we are not practicing self-love, we may begin to see ourselves as unlovable and unworthy of the love and kindnesses shown by others.  This can lead to a sense of distrust with other people and a tendency to devalue others and reject some of the kindness and care coming our way.”

An important component of this practice, Cohen adds, is acknowledging that imperfections and mistakes are a part of being human. “When we are judgmental and critical of ourselves, and when we saddle ourselves with unrealistic expectations and unending obligations, we become dependent on others around us to help, heal, or save us.  As this is an impossible task, we inevitably become resentful of others, because no amount of love, concern, or assistance from another will feel adequate if we are in a constant state of self-criticism and self-imposed pressure.”

[fat_widget_right]Silencing the critical voices within can be a challenge, but it’s one worth taking on—and small acts of kindness toward ourselves can be incredibly transformative. “Self-kindness helps stop the constant flow of negative self-talk, criticism, judgment, and relentless pursuit of perfection that most of us have come to see as normal.

When we treat ourselves with kindness, compassion, and understanding, we feel worthy, nurtured, and secure.  When we provide ourselves with an unconditional environment of safety and security, we free ourselves up to take more risks in service of our potential.”

Simply put, the more gentle and forgiving we are with ourselves, the more likely it is that these positive vibrations will overflow into our interactions with those around us. “When we accept our own imperfections and limitations, we are much more able to have empathy for others’ shortcomings.  This helps us be more accepting and loving in all of our relationships,” says Cohen.

So if you’re feeling the need for a little therapeutic love boost, treat yourself to one—or all—of the following random acts of self-kindness:

1. Take a hot bath.

Soaking in a hot tub, preferably with Epsom salt and aromatherapy oils, can do wonders for sore muscles and a worn-out spirit. Light a candle and turn on some relaxing music to add to the experience.

2. Go for a walk.

Ideally, this will be in a favorite park or neighborhood. But it could be as simple as a walk around the block. Moving your legs, breathing the outside air, and taking in the sights and sounds will naturally increase blood flow and endorphins, thereby warming your body and bettering your mood.

3. Buy a special treat.

What makes you smile? Candles, jewelry, a good book, a trinket from an antique or thrift store, a bar of chocolate, flowers, a latte from a local coffee shop—there are so many small purchases that can make a big difference in how you feel, if only for a few moments. Cohen adds that it’s a good idea to keep the purchase around $20 or less to avoid buyer’s remorse. Whatever you choose, allow yourself to savor the indulgence.

4. Schedule a massage.

Touch is a powerful form of pain relief and endorphin release. Giving yourself permission to make an appointment with a massage therapist sends the message that you are worthy of tenderness, care, and relaxation. Your body, mind, and spirit will thank you.

5. Meditate.

Setting aside the time to simply be—for a few minutes or a few hours—tells your inner taskmaster to simmer down and be still. Using candles, soft music, dim lights, and comfy cushions during meditation will help to set the mood, and slow, rhythmic breathing will guide you into a relaxed state. You can incorporate a mantra or simply allow your mind to become empty, letting go of one nagging thought at a time until all that remains is the sound of your heart beating and breath going in and out.

6. Pick a card, any card.

Have you ever had a bad day and come home to find a card from a loved one in the mail? Knowing that someone is thinking good things about you can be an uplifting and powerful heart warmer, so imagine making that gesture of kindness for yourself. “I love to encourage my clients to go to a card store and buy themselves a loving card,” says Cohen. “It’s wonderful to write a note inside, honoring and appreciating yourself, and offering yourself encouragement.”

7. Decorate your personal space with positive messages and mantras.

Cohen encourages her clients to surround themselves with physical reminders of positive, encouraging messages. “In my office, I have painted rocks and notecards bearing messages such as ‘I matter,’ ‘I am worthy,’ ‘I will take time for me,’ and ‘I am enough,’” she says. “Keeping these kinds of messages around where you can see them regularly can really help the practice of self-care and kindness.”

8. Take yourself on a date.

The idea of going to a restaurant or a movie sans friends or a romantic partner may seem a bit daunting. But all it takes is one time to realize that the experience can actually be quite enjoyable. What restaurant do you typically only go to for special occasions? What type of food do you love to eat but never feel like making at home—or don’t know how? Is there a movie or a live show you’ve been wanting to see? Make a reservation, buy the tickets, and go solo. Bring a book to read if you can’t handle the thought of eating alone and without conversation. Your self will be immensely grateful for the gesture.

As a final thought, Cohen says, “I encourage people to consider all of the ways they show love and kindness to others, and then urge them to treat themselves with the same attention, consideration, nurturance, forgiveness, and respect.”

You may have heard it said that you can’t truly love another person if you don’t love yourself. I wholeheartedly believe this to be true, and I think it speaks to the “mirror-type” relationship between self-esteem and other-esteem. Basically, the esteem you feel for others tends to reflect, or mirror, your own level of self-esteem.

Let’s look at a couple of examples.

Low Esteem for Others

In extreme cases, people whose self-esteem is so damaged that they feel worthless may engage in criminal activity that hurts other people or damages property. Having no compassion for themselves (which they would if they enjoyed healthy self-esteem), these people find it hard to access compassion for their victims.

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High Esteem for Others

Sometimes, treating others well is simply a mark of your own healthy self-esteem. But you might point out that it’s perfectly possible (even common) for people with low self-esteem to treat others better than they treat themselves.

How is a person with low self-esteem able to have such high esteem for other people? Where’s the mirror effect in this scenario?

The answer lies in what’s beneath all that good behavior directed at others.

If you scratch the surface of this “esteeming-others” behavior, you’re likely to find not genuine affection or respect, but fear of abandonment or rejection. The good behavior toward other people is motivated not by esteem for them, but by something more like fear of losing their approval.

So the true level of self-esteem (low) is reflected in a secretly low opinion of others, masquerading as kindness.

Think about it: Constantly putting others above yourself could be like saying, “I don’t believe you are good, strong, or mature enough to handle it if I don’t please you, so I’m going to be extra nice so as not to upset you.”

Here are five aspects of self-esteem that are reflected in relationships with others:

1. Respect for efforts made, not just results.

High self-esteem places a value on trying as well as succeeding. If I have good self-esteem, I’ll give myself credit for trying even if I fail.

This doesn’t mean pulling the wool over my eyes and pretending I succeeded when I didn’t. I don’t need to prop myself up with lies if my self-esteem is intact.

Mirror effect: Similarly, I recognize your efforts even if things don’t go perfectly.

Let’s say we had an argument and you get me a greeting card that says, “I’m sorry.” It’s a musical card that plays a song you thought I might like.

If I don’t like the song, but there was no way for you to know that, I can still recognize your effort to reconcile with me. I’ll focus on that, and it will be meaningful to me that you tried.

2. Acceptance of limitations.

If I have high self-esteem, it gives me the security of knowing that, even though I’m a flawed human being, I am worthy at a basic level anyway.

I don’t have to shut my eyes to reality; once I know what they are, I can accept actual limitations of talent, intellect, strength, etc.

I don’t have to do everything perfectly or even very well. I have my strengths, others have theirs, and there’s room for all of us in this world.

Mirror effect: If you have a limitation that affects me, such as an inability to multitask that drives me nuts, I can see it as a limitation just like the ones I have, rather than a personal attack on me.

3. Acknowledgment of accomplishments.

It feels good to be able to acknowledge my achievements. If I can celebrate my successes, I can enjoy yours, too.

Mirror effect: Your accomplishments don’t take away from my good feelings about myself, nor vice versa. But unless I can acknowledge my own accolades, yours will feel equally unimportant, overblown, or even toxic.

4. Embrace of human-ness.

If I’m allowed to be human, so are you.

If I’m not, then you’re not.

5. Care taken with emotions.

How I treat myself when I have difficult feelings will be how I feel toward you when you express emotions.

If I can’t stand to cry, if I’m frightened of my own anger, if I refuse to engage with my grief … your emotions will be equally frightening to me.

Mirror effect: If I recognize my emotions as normal and important parts of me, to be heeded and worked through, then I’ll welcome your expression of your feelings.

Water seeks its own level, and so does esteem. Learning to genuinely value yourself will help you value others and enjoy relationships more.