Envy doesn’t get talked about much these days. I’m not sure why. Maybe because in these times of personal empowerment, everyone is supposed to be pursuing personal bests and following their own destinies, independent of everyone else. In such an environment of individualism, it’s a little gauche, maybe, to admit (to oneself, but especially to others) you could be envious of someone else.

Maybe because envy seems tinged with old-school morality, something to be thrown out with the raised eyebrows and tsk tsks of past convictions of superiority. We are more straightforward now. We say it like it is. We have no need for spurious or vague emotions that cause messes in our souls.

Think so? I’m not so sure.

Envy has not vanished from the face of the earth. Envy is hardwired in the human heart. It has only gone underground. If you’ve ever tried to eradicate moles or gophers from your garden, you know how difficult it is to rid your life of things that live beneath the surface. The problem, of course, is that you can’t see them. You can only see where they have already been, because they leave a trail of wreckage.

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Just like envy.

So what is it, this envy?

One thing it is not is jealousy. The words are often used interchangeably, but this is incorrect. There is a vast and meaningful difference between the two.

Jealousy. You are jealous of someone if they have something you want. For example, that girl in your economics class has the shoes you covet but can’t afford. No fair. Or, that man who is a major slacker has a bigger office than you do. No fair. The feeling you have when you imagine yourself in these two scenarios is jealousy. Another word for it is covetousness. The Ten Commandments are all over covetousness; in fact, 20% of the commandments are spent in outright ban of it, both spouses and goods. It doesn’t matter who the other person is or what their circumstances might be: they have something you want; you, on the other hand, do not have it; you are jealous.

In my estimation, this is a garden-variety offense. It doesn’t hurt anyone but you. It makes you stew in your own juices until you wake up, which you will eventually do, one hopes. If you are even halfway conscious, you will find it becomes boring after a while to covet everyone else’s stuff because it finally dawns on you that you could buy yourself your own pair of shoes if you were a little more prudent with your finances. Your feet and the feet of the suede-shod woman are existentially unrelated. What she has is completely independent of what you have/don’t have. You’re on your own. Get your own shoes and get over yourself. They will look great on you if you like them so much.

Envy, on the other hand, is insidious. Envy targets the person with the shoes you covet, the person with the bigger office. Envy tells you that you are better than they are, that they don’t deserve the shoes or the office, that in order to get them, they probably did something unsavory or were born under a lucky star (no fair!) or had better parents than you did (no fair!) … and you are the one who really deserves these things. So to hell with them and their stupid shoes and their stupid office. You want to pour red wine into the taupe suede shoes. You want to hide a stinking, rotting chicken carcass in the big office. You want to hurt those people. At the very least, you want to spit venom about them behind their backs. That, my friend, is envy.

Envy attacks another person.

It is envy, for example, that makes you writhe with hot discomfort when your sister executes an ethereal Chopin piece while you know you had the attention span of a gnat during the two years of forced piano lessons you endured. Sure, you wanted to play. But you didn’t want to practice. You wanted to go do other stuff. Therefore, the whole enterprise for you—the boring piano lessons—was a burden your parents forced upon you and which you could not manage to see as anything but punitive.

Plus, your sister was born with a gift, you tell yourself. This music comes so easily to her she could play in her sleep. I wasn’t born with that. She got all the talent. Look at her! Everyone is all admiring and things. What a show-off! If I had had half the advantages she had, I’d be sitting there playing even better than she does. Crap.

You snipe at your sister every chance you get. You make it your business to examine her life for all the unfair advantages your parents extended to her but denied you, forgetting already that you had the exact same opportunities at the keyboard. But the piano is just the start. You could recite an entire litany of examples of favoritism, if anyone gave half a damn about you and the way you’ve suffered while your sister got all the attention. Crap.

With your unbridled envy, your sister gets hurt. You are mean to her. You devalue her accomplishments by attributing them to luck or parental favoritism or natural talent (as if talent required no discipline in order to bloom). You ignore the hours of practice she put in while you were off doing who knows what—and you don’t even remember what now, do you? You debase her well-developed discipline, focus, and personal goals. And you take shots at her about other things to keep her in her place, which to her feels arbitrary and nasty, making her question herself and what she may have done to provoke you. She is hurt and anxious.

So are you! You also are hurt and anxious. Can you see that? Envy is a pitchfork with two sharp tines: you pierce the other person’s accomplishments with one while you let the grace seep out of your own soul with the other.

So if envy is this bad, why do I claim it is hardwired? Because like all emotions—positive and negative—envy is an indicator. It is a message. It alerts us to something in ourselves that requires our attention.

We can look at anger as an example of a familiar negative emotion. Anger is our red-alert system that tells us something seems wrong. People think anger is wild acting out in behaviors of rage or even violence. It’s not. Anger is just a feeling. How you act upon that feeling is your choice.

You could react and blow gaskets in the form of wild behaviors—the so-called knee-jerk behavior we see in road rage, for example. Your anger is telling you that you are approaching your limit with driving in traffic and with disrespectful drivers. You blow up. How does that help? You’re likely still in a white rage when you walk in the door at home an hour later. Everyone at home gets the fallout. What a crummy evening that is likely to be. Meanwhile, your morons, the ones who inflamed you, are still moving on down the highway, not only unaware of your meltdown but also unpunished for the transgressions you detest so much. It will be just like this again tomorrow and the day after tomorrow, by the way. And next week. Why would anything change?

When you respond, you take charge. It may not be a good feeling to admit to yourself that you’re stewing in envy toward another person. But if you take a deep breath and ask yourself where it is really coming from, you might be surprised to discover it is rooted deeply within the inaccurate narrative you are repeating to yourself about your life.

Alternatively, you could respond—and take note of the cause and the extent of the anger that the red-alert evokes. Then you can decide what you’d like to do about it. If you give yourself the time to respond, you give yourself the time to learn from your anger and to utilize it as notice that something in your life would suit you better if you were to change it. You are empowered. Your anger has pointed you right to the solution. You get to decide what to do next. Maybe drive a different route. Maybe change your hours. Maybe Uber to work. You realize your anger is about yourself. It has nothing to do with the drivers in the other cars. They have their own problems.

Extend this pattern of choice between reacting and responding to envy.

When you react in envy, you do things that not only hurt you, but also hurt the other people who are the targets of your envy, as discussed earlier. You do yourself no favors, because you stir yourself up into a hot mess while comforting yourself with the concept of some vague but gross injustice which places you squarely in the victim role. Oh, lick those wounds, and hate that transgressor!

But when you respond, you take charge. It may not be a good feeling to admit to yourself that you’re stewing in envy toward another person. But if you take a deep breath and ask yourself where it is really coming from, you might be surprised to discover it is rooted deeply within the inaccurate narrative you are repeating to yourself about your life. Like anger and the drivers, envy has nothing to do with the person you envy. It is an inside job.

You might catch a glimpse of yourself as lacking in discipline, and you might feel guilt attached to that. Well, you can learn a great deal about how to bring discipline into your life, if you put your mind to it. You can work with a therapist to reshape your personal narrative so that you can create openings for growth in your life. You don’t have to remain enslaved to old, ineffective stories about who you are. You have the power, given the desire, to change anything you’d like to change.

Jealousy and envy. They are both opportunities. Next time you feel one of them arise, stop for a moment and take a good look at it. Remember you are not your feelings. You are the feeler of your feelings. You are the thinker of your thoughts. As such, you are the creator of your life.

Try it in small steps. Mindfulness techniques are excellent tools for slowing down the crashing, reactive aspects of strong negative emotions. Becoming aware of your feelings and your environment (internal and external) and your hopes and your dreams at any one moment can create the space you need for grabbing the reins of your behavior, and bring the muse of discipline into your life to create the peace that is ultimately what you would most like to have in your heart.

You can do it. You will amaze yourself.

And oh, how you will sleep at night!

It’s far too common for newly married or new-parent couples to find themselves searching for more—more time together, more romance, more connection, more intimacy. Maybe, after the wedding is over and the thank-you notes are written, you’re thinking, “What are we supposed to do now?” Or maybe, when the baby is crying and the laundry is piling up, you’re thinking, “When will we feel like ourselves again?”

Research by Dr. Barry McCarthy, sex and relationship expert and author of Rekindling Desire, indicates that couples are more likely to become sexually inactive in the first two years of marriage than at any other period in their married life (McCarthy and McCarthy, 2014). His recommendation is for couples to reenergize their relationship intimacy by enhancing desire, pleasure, eroticism, and satisfaction.

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One place to start on the journey toward deeper intimacy is letter writing. Writing letters to each other is a good way to communicate your thoughts and feelings amid the demands of work and family. Remember the spark of excitement and desire when you received an old-fashioned, handwritten love letter? That’s the spirit of this activity. These are loving letters, full of your hopes, dreams, warmth, and tenderness. These letters inspire a deepening of intimacy because they help you communicate without distraction and with a genuine voice. The goal is for your words to bring you closer and help you feel more connected.

So here’s how it works: You and your partner commit to exchanging letters, ideally handwritten (but emailed will do), a few times a week. You can each answer one prompt below at a time, and you don’t have to follow the same order. It’s best to direct your answers to your partner, just as you would when writing a letter to anyone else.

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Your letters have the power to become the vision statement for your shared future together.

• What are ways you feel loved and accepted by your partner, even with an acknowledgement of failings and imperfections? Are there different ways you show your partner you love and accept them?
• Describe a fantasy, romantic or sexual, you’d like to experience with your partner. Where are you? What does it feel like? What happens first, then next, then after that? How does it end?
• What is a metaphor for your relationship so far? Explain the metaphor. How would you change that metaphor to illustrate the kind marriage you want to have in the future?
• How do you think you and your partner should deal with bad luck or disappointment? How will you show your partner you are on their team no matter what?
• Fill in the blanks and then explain: “If I were living my life the best version of myself as a partner that I could be, I would continue to ___, I would do ___ differently, and I hope you would feel more ___.”
• What do you appreciate most about your partner? What personality traits, strengths, and talents do you admire and value?
• What are your hopes, goals, and dreams for your marriage and family together?

At the end of a few weeks, compile your letters and go over them together. What do you notice about where your answers overlap or where they are unique? Reread them often and allow the words to calm you when you’re angry, soothe you when you’re sad, and fill you with hope when you’re worried. Your letters have the power to become the vision statement for your shared future together.

If these prompts, your answers, or your partner’s answers have stirred up deeper feelings of dissatisfaction, disconnection, or disappointment, you may want to seek individual counseling, couples therapy, or sex therapy. The help of an experienced therapist is an investment in yourself and your marriage.

Reference:

McCarthy, B., & McCarthy, E. (2014). Rekindling desire, 2^nd Ed. New York, NY: Routledge.

It’s another day at work. You’re preparing an upcoming presentation, checking your email every few minutes, texting your best friend, planning the weekend, and scrolling through Facebook—all while watching the clock and anxiously anticipating lunchtime. You’re multitasking, and you probably think you’re doing it well.

If you ask most people, chances are they will tell you they’re good at multitasking. Research tells us that isn’t the case. In fact, multitasking may actually make you less productive, even if you’re completing multiple tasks at once. According to Stanford professor Clifford Nass, the more you multitask, the less you are able to concentrate, learn, and even be nice to people.

Here are six reasons why you’re actually not as good at multitasking as you think you are:

1. Multitasking Makes It Harder to Filter Information

Research indicates that the more you multitask, the less your brain is able to filter out information. When comparing the brains of people who multitask versus those who don’t, researchers found those who multitask not only have difficulty filtering irrelevant information, but they actually exert more energy using parts of the brain that aren’t necessary for the task at hand.

On the contrary, when you focus on one thing at a time, the brain is able to zone in and filter out the rest, leaving more of your brain’s resources available to what you are actually doing.

2. Multitasking Makes It Difficult to Pay Attention

[fat_widget_right]Frequent multitasking can change the neural pathways in the brain. When we are constantly scattered, it makes it increasingly difficult for the brain to sustain attention for even short periods of time. MRIs taken of individuals while driving indicate that adding just one more activity in addition to driving can reduce the brain’s ability to pay attention to the road. For example, when drivers listen to other people in the car speak, the drivers’ attention levels toward driving go down by about 37%.

3. Multitasking Lowers Your Efficiency

Continuously switching back and forth between tasks makes the brain less available for the individual task at hand and ultimately lowers efficiency rather than improving productivity. A University of London research study indicated that people who multitask while performing cognitive tasks show significant drops in IQ (intelligence quotient) similar to those of people who had smoked marijuana or had not slept the night before. Something as simple as knowing there are unread emails in your inbox can lower IQ by 10 points.

4. Multitasking Makes Long-Term Goals Harder to Achieve

Multitasking trains our brains to seek instant gratification. Constantly switching from task to task, checking your email, and scrolling your Twitter feed creates a constant need for feedback.

With each text message you send or email you respond to, your brain gets a surge of dopamine—one of the brain’s feel-good hormones—which encourages you to continue the rewarding behavior. This leads the brain to seek more instant gratification and makes it difficult to sustain the attention needed to work toward long-term goals.

When you don’t quickly receive that release of dopamine, you may become bored or uncomfortable and give up on the task in order to do other short-term tasks. While these tasks offer that reward more quickly, they are less rewarding in the long-term. This feedback loop may make you feel like you’re accomplishing a lot, but you may realize it doesn’t amount to much at the end of the day.

5. Multitasking Lowers Emotional Intelligence

Research has shown multitasking lowers emotional intelligence and can actually make us less friendly. A study conducted by the University of Sussex concluded that individuals who used multiple devices at once (cell phone, computer, television, etc.) and who multitasked more often showed less brain activity in the anterior cingulate cortex—the area of the brain that governs emotional control and empathy.

6. Multitasking Causes More Stress

According to multiple studies, chronic multitaskers have increased levels of the stress hormone cortisol. Normal levels of cortisol can be helpful for the body, but when levels are too high it can cause reproductive issues, increase inflammation in the body, raise blood sugar, weaken the immune system, increase belly fat, and damage the parts of the brain that control memory. Many people who multitask have issues with working memory, which can make it more difficult to make rational decisions.

Tips for Improving Your Ability to Single Task:

• Practice mindfulness meditation: Mindfulness meditation can help train your brain to slow down and focus on what’s happening in the present moment. This can make you less likely to give in to distraction and improve your ability to sustain your attention for longer periods of time.Continuously switching back and forth between tasks makes the brain less available for the individual task at hand and ultimately lowers efficiency rather than improving productivity.
• Take frequent breaks: Rather than doing several things at once, focus on one task at a time and take frequent breaks to allow your brain to reset.
• Make a to-do list: Making a to-do list can help you organize and keep track of the tasks you need to complete. With a to-do list, you can work on completing your tasks one at a time until you are finished rather than trying to work on multiple tasks at once. To-do lists also work well for achieving long-term goals. You can break your goals down into small tasks and check each task off as you finish, receiving a surge of dopamine for the completion of each small milestone along the way.
• Use timers for intense focus time: Because many of us in the digital age are tempted to switch from tab to tab, screen to screen, or device to device, it isn’t always easy to focus on one task at a time. Productivity and time management coaches recommend setting a timer for a designated period of time (i.e. 45 minutes) and not allowing yourself to do anything else other than that task until the timer goes off. This can help curb the urge to check your email and respond to that text message.
• Eliminate distractions: When attempting to conquer a task, eliminate as many distractions as possible to help you stay focused. Turn off the television, keep your phone on silent, and find a quiet space where you won’t be interrupted.
• Set designated time to check email: Employees spend approximately 28% of their day responding to emails. Email can be incredibly distracting and is known to drain productivity. Rather than constantly refreshing your inbox every few minutes, set designated times each day to check your email, and then avoid checking it outside of those times. For example, you might check it in the morning, at lunch, and right before you stop working each day.
• Try therapy: For those who want some extra help improving productivity, finding a qualified therapist can be a good option. Therapists can help people improve their ability to single task by teaching cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) techniques. These techniques can be used to help improve time management skills as well as learn to change thought patterns that may contribute to distraction or the desire to multitask. Many other types of therapy can also help someone who wants to feel less overwhelmed or who wants to become more successful at work.

References:

1. Baer, D. (2013, October 9). What multitasking does to your brain. Retrieved from http://www.fastcompany.com/3019659/leadership-now/what-multitasking-does-to-your-brain
2. Chapman, S.C. (2013, May 8). Why single-tasking makes you smarter. Retrieved from http://www.forbes.com/sites/nextavenue/2013/05/08/why-single-tasking-makes-you-smarter/#18e70d131b5c
3. Gupta, S. (2016, August 1). Your brain on multitasking. Retrieved from http://www.cnn.com/2015/04/09/health/your-brain-multitasking/
4. Kim, L. (2015, July 15). Multitasking is killing your brain. Retrieved from http://www.inc.com/larry-kim/why-multi-tasking-is-killing-your-brain.html

When I educate medical health professionals about the complex links between emotional functioning and physical health, many express a fear that their patients will respond to a referral to therapy by saying, “So, are you saying this is all in my head?” I will try to provide a useful, realistic answer to this potentially thorny question.

Body, Mind, or Bodymind?

Modern neuroscience has helped us begin to see that the separation of body and mind is more a matter of grammatical convenience than scientific truth. Our nervous system, the network of cells that helps our brains connect with the rest of our organs, links our emotional processing center to every structure of our physical being. This has led some to use the term “bodymind” in recognition of the idea we gain nothing by continuing to arbitrarily separate mental life and physical life when they are so clearly interwoven (e.g., Keleman, 1989). When we think about ourselves as bodyminds, it begins to make sense that many physical symptoms are exacerbated or caused by emotional processes.

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How Emotions Become Physical Symptoms

Much developmental theory and research has helped demonstrate that experiences in our development, especially with our caregivers, shape our relationship to our emotions (e.g., Felitti, et al., 1998). We tend to treat our emotions similarly to how they were treated by others (Frederickson, 2013). As a result, those of us who had parents who responded to our emotions with anxiety, misattunement, or even punishment may develop anxiety about our own emotions. Many people experience anxiety when emotions are triggered by relationships and events in their day-to-day lives.

Maybe someday, rather than feeling afraid of the notion some aspect of their physical problems is “in their head,” people will feel hopeful about the possibility their symptoms might finally be explained and treated with psychotherapy.

Anxiety can manifest physically in the body in many ways. It can cause our skeletal muscles to tense, leading to pain and cramps. It can cause tension in the smooth muscles of the bowels, vascular system, urogenital system, and bronchi, leading to a variety of symptoms such as irritable bowel, hypertension, sudden urge to urinate or defecate, and difficulty breathing. Anxiety at very high levels can even cause changes in the flow of blood and oxygen to the brain, leading to difficulties thinking and perceiving the world, such as dizziness or blurry vision (Frederickson, 2013).

I point all this out to illustrate that anxiety triggered by the emotionally evocative events of our daily lives can produce a huge variety of physical symptoms. These symptoms can easily be, and often are, diagnosed and treated as if they are purely somatic, without considering the possibility emotional factors might be a major contributor. This can result in failed treatments and frustrated patients. See my other articles for more detailed information on the links between emotions and physical symptoms.

So, Is It All in Your Head?

The fact that emotional factors are contributing to your symptoms does not mean your symptoms are fake, as the notion of “all in your head” seems to suggest. Emotional factors create very real physical symptoms that are often mistaken for symptoms that have a purely medical origin. A recent study even showed that the brain of a person in emotional pain, when observed under fMRI, has a similar appearance to the brain of a person in physical pain (Kross, et al., 2011).

When we treat emotion-driven symptoms as if they are purely physical, and deny the component that is “in the head,” health care costs go up, symptoms persist or worsen, and frustration grows. Alternatively, evidence is beginning to show we can save time and health care costs by treating medically unexplained physical symptoms with psychotherapy (Abbass, et al., 2010).

Despite this evidence, it seems many medical practitioners fear their patients will be hurt by a referral to psychotherapy. There is some truth to this: many health care consumers are upset by the possibility their physical symptoms may have an emotional engine, and sometimes they exhaust all other diagnostic and treatment options before pursuing counseling. I hope the information presented here and in my other posts on somatization will help patients and practitioners to reap the benefits of a clearer understanding of the bodymind and the links between emotions and physical symptoms. Maybe someday, rather than feeling afraid of the notion some aspect of their physical problems is “in their head,” people will feel hopeful about the possibility their symptoms might finally be explained and treated with psychotherapy.

References:

1. Abbass, A., Campbell, S., Hann, G., Lenzer, I., Tarzwell, R., & Maxwell, D. (2010). Cost savings of treatment of medically unexplained symptoms using intensive short-term dynamic psychotherapy by a hospital emergency department. Journal of the Academy of Medical Psychology, 1, 34-43.
2. Felitti, V., Anda, R., Nordenberg, D., Williamson, D., Spitz, A., Edwards, V., Koss, M., & Marks, J. (1998). Relationship of childhood abuse and household dysfunction to many of the leading causes of death in adults. The adverse childhood experiences (ACE) study. American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 14, 245-258.
3. Frederickson, J. (2013). Co-creating change: Effective dynamic therapy techniques. Kansas City, MO: Seven Leaves.
4. Keleman, S. (1989). Your body speaks its mind. Berkeley, CA: Center Press.
5. Kross, E., Berman, M.G., Mischel, W., Smith, E.E., & Wager, T.D. (2011). Social rejection shares somatosensory representations with physical pain. Proceedings of the National Academy of the Sciences of the United States of America, 108, 6270-6275.

“I feel like such a bad person.”

I have heard this sad statement from so many people who come to treatment struggling with terrible feelings about themselves. Typically, these “bad person” feelings are about having thoughts, wishes, or behaviors that have (or could potentially have) a negative impact on others, especially significant others. In order to fend off these feelings, people have lived their lives trying to prevent the experience that they are the cause of someone’s unwanted feelings: it is intolerable to consider that some statement they made or action they took could cause hurt, anger, disappointment, or any negative feeling. Such unacceptable reactions are “proof” that they have caused harm and are thus bad.

Expectations for behavior in families are learned early. When standards are dichotomized into either good or bad, children come to characterize not only their behaviors, but their personhood, as good or bad. For optimum development, children need positive responses from their parents. Reciprocal feelings of pleasing, loving, admiring, delighting in, kindness, etc., between parent and child are building blocks for self-esteem and self-confidence.

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In some families, “being good” is the only way to assure the receipt of positive feelings. But positive feelings are not enough for development into people who know themselves and are not fearful of relationships in the world. Children also need to learn to tolerate and manage negative feelings, both when they are directed toward the child and when the child wishes to express them to others. Children are seriously disadvantaged when parental expectations require them to have only positive feelings and ideas toward parents. If all negative expression to a parent is unacceptable or seen as harmful or destructive, the child must be vigilant: it becomes necessary to safeguard their internal world either by containing any negative feelings or by dissociating these feelings, creating unconscious certainty that they will not inadvertently be expressed. Any sense of oneself as harboring negative feelings toward a parent runs the risk of “bad person” feelings.

The Need to Excuse Parents’ Behaviors

The three people I am about to describe are struggling with the emergence of negative thoughts and feelings toward a parent. These intolerable feelings and the growing awareness that their reactions to parents (e.g., hurt or disappointment) may have some legitimacy create anxieties they are unprepared to deal with. One method for defusing the discomfort is to conceptualize the parent’s behavior in a context that makes the behavior rationally understandable and therefore acceptable. The rationales essentially excuse parents’ behaviors so that the person in therapy can disavow their own “bad person” feelings. Often, anxiety about their own negative thoughts or feelings toward a parent begins or is exacerbated when another significant other expresses negativity toward the parent.

Conrad has described how difficult his work life has been. He has little ability to take initiative at work or in his relationship with his wife. In general, he has trouble asserting himself in the world and struggles to think about what he wants and how to get it. This makes considering different work or how to better his relationships problematic. He lacks self-esteem and is vulnerable to feeling like he has done something wrong.

Conrad is remembering how his mother talked to him about his major in college: “She was always so helpful. She told me I was good at art, but I had to be practical and plan for a career which would enable me to take care of a family. I listened to her and went into finance. Ten years later, as you know, I hate my work, but I know she was only thinking of me. She lived through hard times as a kid, so my being secure financially is especially important to her. She only wanted what was best for me, and I can’t bear to feel that I cause her pain or disappoint her. I would feel so mean.”

Allowing the emergence of previously intolerable and unwanted feelings provides tools—not only for developing the self, but for the development of the self in relationship. Knowledge of feelings is a tool which can help address internal and external conflict. This means one has new and more information to decide both how and, sometimes more importantly, if to act.

Monica is depressed and anxious. She struggles with her son, who she feels rejects her and has become contemptuous of her relationship with her mother. This is intolerable for Monica, who has dedicated her life to taking care of others and making sure no one has any bad feelings because of her. Monica came to therapy because of how torn she is between trying to please her son and trying to make her mother happy. This internal and external tug-of-war is ruling Monica’s life, and there is little room for Monica to consider herself. In fact, before Monica began therapy, it never occurred to her that she should be a consideration. Monica is unable to act in any way that would make her feel she hasn’t done everything her mother expects of her.

Monica is tearing up as she tells me: “My son Rick never wants to visit my mother when I visit her. Mom is getting on in years and won’t be around much longer. I tell him he really hurts her feelings and upsets her when he doesn’t visit or call. He tells me it’s boring to visit and he hates that she always criticizes him and tells him what to do. I know that’s true, but I try to explain that she is very interested in his life and wants to make sure he does things right. Her heart is in the right place. It upsets me. I feel like I’ve done something wrong when my son behaves this way. I’m a bad mother and a bad daughter.”

Alan’s wife Nancy and his father always get into arguments. Nancy tells Alan that she doesn’t like the way his father talks about women and that his father hates women. It distresses Alan that she won’t keep her feelings to herself. Each fight between Nancy and his father throws Alan into an anxious frenzy: “Nancy is so mean to him. He loves her, but she doesn’t care. He does condescend to her, but it gets him very agitated when they fight. I worry he’ll have a heart attack. Why can’t she just keep quiet and understand he is a good dad and would never do anything to hurt us?”

Alan is a man in serious conflict. He adores and admires his father, but he frequently turns himself into a pretzel to provide for his father’s needs and wishes without feeling he is abandoning his wife. As he tries to provide what she needs and what his father needs, there is little consideration of what he desires. He has recently become aware of how it might be dangerous to know what he wants: “I think I would feel even more tortured if I had to choose between Dad, Nancy, and myself. But it’s getting harder and harder to feel I don’t exist as a person except to be there for the people I love. I know if I choose myself, it will confirm how selfish I am.”

Letting Go of Excuses and Feeling the Feelings

Conrad, Monica, and Alan could not tolerate negative feelings about their parents. All three felt at risk for feeling like awful people. They were stuck in their lives and limited in the choices they could make. In our work in therapy, it became important to recognize the pattern of excuse making and develop the awareness of anxiety that accompanied any leakage of negative thoughts and feelings about their parents. These three people began to connect how hard they worked to avoid unwanted feelings about their parents with how those feelings made them feel like bad people. They also began to recognize the connection between how their limited ability to tolerate feelings had affected their self-esteem and self-confidence as well as their ability to be autonomous in the world. They worked to let go of the excuses and make room for more authentic experiences in their relationships with themselves and, to some extent, with their parents.

The process of letting go of excuses to preserve positive feelings can produce intense anxiety as the letting go lessens the defenses and makes room for the “bad person” feelings to emerge. At the same time, the possibility for a less black-and-white palette for feelings becomes possible. As one begins to consider that there is a broad continuum between being “good” and “bad,” one can also begin to realize that having a negative feeling doesn’t automatically define one’s character. Recognition that having a wide range of feelings at our disposal makes us human becomes an important lesson in the therapeutic process. Becoming human is about separating and individuating.

For Conrad, Monica, and Alan, the separation-individuation process advanced when they could allow thoughts that previously were unacceptable. First, their heads told them that their lives were not as they wished them to be. Then, as they allowed their gut to become operational, they could use it to experience feelings that in the past were blocked and dismissed. Having these feelings facilitates the processes of self-reflection and self-engagement which promote self-knowledge. Thus, Conrad began to learn he still could nurture his artistic self and began to plan opening an art gallery. Monica has come to feel more kindly toward her son and has begun to acknowledge he can express feelings that she is only beginning to allow for herself. Alan is accepting that his attention to his own needs is not selfish, and can actually show a small smile when he tells me he chose his wishes over those of his father or his wife.

For all three, allowing feelings nurtures the growth of the self and the development of identity. They are discovering, “Who am I? Who am I in relationship to the world? What do I think, feel, want? What do I want to do?” Their need to block their feelings by making excuses is diminishing. Allowing the emergence of previously intolerable and unwanted feelings provides tools—not only for developing the self, but for the development of the self in relationship. Knowledge of feelings is a tool which can help address internal and external conflict. This means one has new and more information to decide both how and, sometimes more importantly, if to act.

Note: To protect privacy, names in the preceding article have been changed and the dialogues described are a composite.

Devoted animal lovers sometimes say their pets are like children—and like children, a furry best friend can cause plenty of strife in a relationship.

Whether it’s a disagreement about how to train a dog or a dispute over how much attention pets should get, conflict regarding pets can cause major turmoil. One study found that the average dog causes 2,000 arguments in his or her lifetime.

A disagreement about pets doesn’t have to spell the end of your relationship, but it may require that each of you make some accommodations.

Practice Good Communication

If you’re starting a new relationship, take time to discuss your values regarding pets. If having an indoor cat or a dog that sleeps in your bed is important to you, you’ll need to ensure your partner shares these values or risk ending up in conflict. If you’re already in an established relationship, it’s time to begin communicating clearly and openly. Don’t get a new pet without consulting with your partner and getting his or her enthusiastic consent. If you want to change the way you do something with your pets—for example, allowing Fido to sleep in the bed or taking more frequent walks with your pet and your partner—talk to your partner before taking the plunge rather than making a decision and expecting him or her to abide by it.

Get Specific with the Problem

When there’s conflict over pets, getting specific about the problem can help you figure out a solution. If your husband complains about your dog constantly or your wife snaps at your cat, you might assume that the pet is the problem or that your partner hates your pet. But a change as simple as teaching your dog not to beg or keeping your cat off the bookshelf could remedy the issue. If you’re the pet lover, ask your partner specifically what the issue is and what would fix it. And if you’re the one resenting your partner’s pet, be clear about what you need to feel better.

Consult an Expert

A poorly trained dog or aggressive cat is frustrating to everyone, but the person who brought the pet into the relationship is sometimes more sympathetic to—and defensive about—the pet. If your partner is annoyed by a specific behavior such as excessive scratching, it’s time to call an expert. A trainer can work with you to make your pet a more mannerly member of the family, and a veterinarian can help you uncover hidden health problems that contribute to annoying behavior. It will cost some money, but it may be worth it to save your relationship and keep your pet happy and healthy.

Accept Differences

You and your partner don’t have to agree about everything. You may find that one of you is simply less in love with your pets than the other. As long as your partner isn’t abusive toward animals, he or she doesn’t have to let Fido lick him/her on the face or put up with Kitty’s constant scratching.

If you’re the one who brought the pet into the relationship, be prepared to do a little extra work. There’s no reason your partner has to love your pets as much as you do, or even spend as much time caring for them. As long as you can strike a fair balance that ensures your pet’s needs are met, consider giving your partner a pass on nightly pet duties.

References:

1. Johnston, S. (n.d.). Making peace with your partner’s pets. Match.com. Retrieved from http://www.match.com/magazine/article/12463/Making-Peace-With-Your-Partners-Pets-/

2. Man’s worst friend: Average dog causes 2,000 family arguments in its lifetime. (2012, January 11). Mail Online. Retrieved from http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2084835/Mans-worst-friend-Average-dog-causes-2-000-family-arguments-lifetime.html

Olympic athletes train for years to reach their common goal: a medal at the Olympics. They push their bodies to the edge of human capability to stand on a podium and collect a gold, silver, or bronze medal. While competing in the Olympic Games requires immense physical ability, the pressure often adds up to a heavy psychological load for athletes, both at the games and beyond.

Sport psychology is not new in the mental health field, but it has gained greater attention, interest, and acceptance in recent decades. The discipline of sport psychology has an inexact placement at the intersection of athletic training and personal counseling, varying widely depending on the sport and the practitioner.

The focus is often directed at how different aspects of competition affect the player or team’s overall mental health. While the well-being of the athlete is the ultimate aim, sport psychologists also promote mental toughness to optimize athletic achievement. At the international games, and with a massive global audience watching, another crucial hurdle faces the sport psychologist: Olympic-sized performance anxiety.

What Is Sport Psychology?

It started with a simple observation by a psychologist named Norman Triplett in 1898. A pioneer in the field of social psychology, he noticed that cyclists typically performed better when in the presence of a competitor. Recognizing cues like that has helped psychologists find not just the best ways to enhance athletic performance, but also to understand the distinct pressures faced by elite athletes. Concerns such as not wanting to disappoint a coach or teammates and striving to meet the expectations of fans can be paired against personal issues, stress, and self-doubt.

[fat_widget_right]Today, sport psychologists work with athletes at all levels to improve their performance, manage performance-related stress and anxiety, help them handle any mental challenges associated with injuries, and encourage athletes to enjoy what they do. Research has shown there is value in tapping into a player’s love for the game. Such efforts can help keep an athlete motivated against grueling training regimens and physical exertion.

Sport psychologists work with their athletes by encouraging them to set high but realistic goals, developing skills to maintain concentration and focus, and by helping them manage stress through controlled breathing and positive self-talk. A common technique used by sport and fitness psychologists to enhance athletic performance is visualization. For example, basketball players often spend practice time not just physically shooting hoops, but also visualizing the basketball dropping into the hoop successfully. Similarly, archers may paint a mental picture of the arrow finding its target, while divers might imagine themselves going into the pool in perfect form with minimal splash.

Sport psychologists also teach athletes to deal effectively with people, both within the sport and in general. They commonly help coaches and family members of athletes as well, watching out for the general well-being of the “team,” even in individual competitions. Particular techniques, including stress-reducing methods, can help those surrounding the athlete to more effectively offer support.

A sport psychologist may be one of the only people in a professional athlete’s life who doesn’t look at the scoreboard. While family members, coaches, and spectators might instinctively or involuntarily judge an athlete based on performance, the sport psychologist is likely looking beyond the outcome with a focus on giving support in the face of defeat and offering perspective in the thrill of victory.

Athletes worldwide appear to be embracing sport psychologists as a crucial member of the team. Olympian Elana Meyers won a silver medal at the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi and took bronze at the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver as part of the U.S. Olympic Bobsled Team. Throughout her career, she says her coaches and sports psychologist have worked side by side.

“Recently, we have all been working together to improve my driving, even though we’re not on ice,” Meyers said. “My coach interacts to ensure that the work we’re doing on driving is accurate and appropriate. My sport psychologist interacts with my coach to ensure that my mental environment is appropriate around times of training and competition.”

Occasionally those roles can become blurred, she said. “Sometimes my coach is like my sport psychologist and my sport psychologist acts as a coach.”

On a more global scale, Meyers sees the field of sport psychology expanding, in part thanks to the international games.

“Now it’s openly discussed on Olympics coverage,” she said. “I think sport psychology is becoming mainstream and really elevating athletes’ performances across the world.”

The Modern Sport Psychologist

While individual competitions may not have changed too drastically in the last century, the arenas in which today’s athletes perform have. The 2012 Summer Olympics in London set new records as the most-watched TV event in U.S. history, drawing nearly 220 million American viewers across the two-week games in just one country.

Today’s Olympic athletes must compete in this glaring international spotlight, surrounded by increased technical distractions and sometimes weighed down by the expectations of fans and fellow athletes. The size and scale of modern Olympic Games make the services of a sport psychologist even more valuable, no matter the event.

Today, sport psychologists work with athletes at all levels to improve their performance, manage performance-related stress and anxiety, help them handle any mental challenges associated with injuries, and encourage athletes to enjoy what they do.How sport psychologists operate professionally can vary. Some consult or maintain private practices, while others are on staff with professional teams, leagues, or individual athletes. Their services are now commonly accepted and employed in major sports organizations worldwide, ranging from the National Football League and Major League Baseball in the U.S to Brazil’s World Cup Team.

During the 2016 Summer Olympics in Rio, even more so than in past competitions, sport psychology received individual attention at the games. As media outlets tell the back stories of Olympic stars like gymnast Simone Biles and swimmer Michael Phelps, they seek new angles that include the athletes’ mental toughness and resilience required to win their medals.

Occasionally, sport psychologists may find their own merit judged against an athlete’s performance, as was the case with Brazil’s 2014 World Cup defeat. The coach’s pre-game support for the team psychologist quickly became scrutinized following their loss to Germany.

Yet, those in the field of sport psychology might actually be better equipped to face such challenges through their own personal experiences. Those practicing sports psychology today—who often have backgrounds as former athletes or active sports enthusiasts—have first-hand awareness of the sharp edges of doubt and defeat and the internal drive for athletic greatness.

References:

1. AASP. (n.d.). Applied Sport & Exercise Psychology. Retrieved from http://www.appliedsportpsych.org/about/about-applied-sport-and-exercise-psychology/
2. Joyce, N. (2008, July). The early days of sport psychology. Retrieved from http://www.apa.org/monitor/2008/07-08/sport-psych.aspx
3. O’Connell, M. (2016, August 6). TV Ratings: Rio Olympics Opening Ceremony Falls 28 Percent From London. Retrieved from http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/live-feed/tv-ratings-rio-olympics-opening-ceremony-how-many-watched-917393
4. OCSP Services. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.sportpsych.org/services
5. Patmore, A. (2014, July 9). Why sports psychologists couldn’t save Brazil’s World Cup hopes. Retrieved from https://www.theguardian.com/football/2014/jul/09/why-sports-psychologists-couldnt-save-brazil-world-cup
6. Rathi, A. (2016, August 9). What sports psychologists do for Olympic athletes that coaches can’t. Retrieved from http://qz.com/753857/for-olympians-to-reach-the-highest-level-they-need-a-sports-psychologist/

Marriage rates in the United States are declining, according to a Demographic Intelligence report released in May 2015. At 6.74 marriages for every 1,000 people, the current rate is the lowest in a century, and further decline is expected.

Researchers suggest two different interpretations of these statistics, however. While some see this rate as a clear indication that the marriage rate is declining, others suggest that people may simply be postponing marriage until later in life.

For many, cohabitation may have replaced early marriage. In 1982, a study conducted by the National Center for Health Statistics, based on a nationally representative sample of women and men, reported that only 3% of women who lived with a man were unmarried, while 44% of women surveyed were married. The same survey, conducted between 2006 and 2010, found that 11% of women living with men were unmarried, while only 36% of respondents were married at the time of the survey. (The survey only surveyed men and women, and did not report on marriages between individuals of the same gender.) The more recent survey implied that for the first time historically, people were postponing marriage: The probability of a woman being married by age 40, according to the data, was virtually identical across all years.

Though the marriage rate appears to be declining, it is clear that many people still desire to marry. Why is that? Two people living together might just as easily say to each other, “I will be committed to you forever,” and be done. Some partners do commit in this way, without much fuss, but others follow the more traditional ritual of marriage, complete with a ring, a party, an officiator, and crying friends and family members. For many, these traditions are invested with great meaning. [fat_widget_relationships_right]

Perhaps a desire to be connected at the core is what propels some people toward marriage. This “core,” something nebulous that can’t be pinpointed or measured scientifically, may serve to represent a level of deeper connection that many people aspire to reach. Some may feel this can only be accomplished through marriage. This idea may lead some who want this connection but fear they will never experience it to avoid seeking it altogether, in order to avoid hurt and disappointment.

But beyond this core, I believe there are six essential elements to any strong and healthy marriage (or long-term partnership). These elements, more than any other benefit of marriage, may be what some people are seeking—and waiting for.

Connection

Most of us want to connect with others in some way. Many people consider meaningful connections—whether these connections are with friends, family members, or significant others—to be the most important part of their lives or what they desire most from life. A listening ear, validation, empathy, sharing, and understanding can all be elements of a healthy connection. These elements serve as a basis of establishment as well as the benefits of the connection. This connection is not limited to marriage, however. It can be experienced within the context of a friendship, parent-child relationship, or strong sibling relationship.

A strong connection often serves as a foundation upon which other elements are built. Therefore, when we feel disconnected from our partner, this can be a warning sign, and it might be beneficial to seek the help of a professional in order to avoid losing something fundamental.

Commitment

Connection can be enjoyed in many types of relationships; thus, the desire to marry must be based on something more than simple connection. I believe that something is commitment.

Connection can be enjoyed in many types of relationships; thus, the desire to marry must be based on something more than simple connection. I believe that something is commitment.

Commitment is more than just staying power. In some of the long-term cohabiting couples I have worked with, even couples who have been together long enough to have teenage children, one partner said they felt deprived, in a way, by not having been asked to get married. It seems to me that commitment is the act of choosing a partner for life and, with that act, implying unconditional acceptance of the person—flaws and all.

Cohabiting, like marriage, can end at any time. But I believe the difference to lie in the beginning, not the ending. For some, cohabitation might begin with a sort of shrug, a “Let’s see if we can make this work.” It’s often an experiment. It might be a fun one, but for some, it represents a temporary state of being that will eventually lead to either breakup or marriage, rather than a long-term choice (though of course, some individuals enter a cohabiting arrangement committed to each other, with no plans to alter their arrangement).

A breakup, after which a cohabiting partner moves out, can be painful and difficult. But when a divorce ends a marriage, much of the pain often lies in the rejection of the commitment upon which the marriage was founded.

Giving

I do not often see “giving” in Top 10 lists, yet I can’t think of a more important grease to make a marriage run smoothly. Giving, to me, is the tangible show of commitment, of choice, of a deeper attachment than mere friendship. When one partner focuses solely on the self, the other partner becomes an object, not someone who is special and loved.

True giving is unconditional. When we give to get something in return, we are just being selfish in a different way, and this type of giving is unlikely to strengthen a marriage.

A person may also give out of fear of being alone. This type of giving often comes from a lack of self-esteem, or the internal belief, “I am not worthy of love,” and is often characterized by urgency and fear. This “needy giving,” often intended to keep the other partner from leaving the relationship, is typically not an element of love.

Respect

Giving, even giving from the heart, doesn’t mean much if we don’t respect our partner. Respect comes from a deep understanding of our significant other, of their thoughts, reactions, opinions, values, and attitudes. Respect for who our partner is may cause us to look forward to their homecoming each night, make it unlikely we feel bored in their company. Our understanding of who our partner is as a person, and our respect for the qualities that make up our partner, often leads to the growth of admiration. This, in turn, may contribute to the feelings of pleasure we experience in our partner’s company.

Respect also might grow when the marriage, or either individual in it, faces a challenge. When a marriage is troubled, when one or both partners have lost their respect for the other due to mistakes, choices they’ve made, or other issues, watching a partner withstand trials, make different choices, and repair their share of the damage can lead to the growth of new respect. This newfound respect may in fact become the soil in which the seeds of love are replanted, even when it seems a marriage is over.

Trust

I believe that when there is a solid mutual connection, commitment, giving, and respect, the trust partners have for each other cannot be broken. There would be no reason behind breaking trust, no gain. It is my belief and experience that, for betrayal to occur, there has to be a weak link somewhere. When one partner discovers the other partner is having an affair, for example, it is generally the case that earlier warning signs were missed.

To rebuild a sense of trust when it has been lost, the connection between partners must be reestablished. To facilitate this, both partners must understand their role in the breakdown of the connection. (Both partners have typically contributed in some way to the breakdown of the connection, even if only by not drawing attention to the fact that the relationship was in danger.) This process of understanding, which requires honesty and soul-searching, is unlikely to be quick or simple. Partners must both be honest with themselves and with each other and make appropriate, heartfelt apologies. Open, vulnerable honesty is not only an essential part of the healing process, it is also a necessity for what I have found to be the most important element of a marriage—intimacy.

Intimacy

Most people immediately relate intimacy to sex, when actually, having sex can serve as a way of avoiding intimacy. The most important elements of intimacy are openness and honesty, both of which may require the sharing of things that one is ashamed of. Yet being able to be vulnerable to a partner is the very ingredient that makes the act of sex one of such supreme closeness and, well, intimacy.

The vulnerability of real intimacy can be compared to the thrill of roller coasters: We know we won’t die, but we feel, in the pit of our stomach, as if we might. We are about to give up our very selves, just for a moment, and we could lose everything in that moment. In terms of a partnership, it is in that moment that we are one.

But how do we get there? How do we overcome the shyness, the shame of discussing a father who abandoned the family or a mother who berated us and made us feel small?

To do so, we must develop self-love. We must get to that place where we know we are not our parents, where we no longer believe their abuse. We must love ourselves for who we are and who we can be. This self-love is what can eventually allow us to be open, honest, and vulnerable with another person.

References:

1. Copen, C. E., Daniels, K., Vespa, J., & Mosher, W. D. (2012, March 22). First marriages in the United States: Data from the 2006–2010 National Survey of Family Growth. National Health Statistics Reports, (49). Retrieved from http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nhsr/nhsr049.pdf
2. Kaveh, K. (2015, December 14). 7 reasons marriage is on the decline. The Huffington Post. Retrieved from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kathy-kaveh/7-reasons-marriage-is-on-the-decline_b_8744654.html
3. Stevens, H. (2015, May 18). Marriage at a 100-year low—and that’s a good thing. Chicago Tribune. Retrieved from http://www.chicagotribune.com/lifestyles/ct-marriage-in-decline-balancing-20150518-column.html

We evaluate. That’s what we do. We ask question after question after question, and when we’re not asking questions, we’re noting answers to questions we haven’t asked. We’re so curious, professionally curious. It’s a trained curiosity, and if we’re not careful, a habitual curiosity, a distractive curiosity, a harmful curiosity.

Psychologist James Hillman (1967) warned: “Curiosity awakens curiosity in the other. He then begins to look at himself as an object, to judge himself good or bad, to find faults and place blame for these faults, to develop more superego and ego at the expense of simple awareness, to see himself as a case with a label from the textbook, to consider himself as a problem rather than to feel himself as a soul.”

There is often a contradiction between my image of a person in therapy through their self-assessment of their issue and my actual experience of the person. There is also a vast gulf between the diagnosable issues as seen through the lens of psychological expertise and the essence, identity, strengths, and hopes of the person before me.

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Therefore, I must cultivate space to come to know the whole person. This begs the question of what “knowing the whole person” entails. But let’s be clear: trained curiosity and assessment are not the soul of psychological change. Therapists mean well, but I know at times even I have strayed outside the bounds of helpfulness. Here are seven ways therapists sometimes irritate people in therapy and get in the way of therapy:

1. Interrogating

When people come into session in the midst of an emotional storm, the last thing they need is to be inundated with endless questions on the basis of an agenda that is likely intended more to fulfill organizational protocols than to promote a foundation of therapeutic empathy and rapport.

Questioning always runs the risk of interrogation. The details learned about people’s lives ever tempt helping professionals toward distraction. There is a distinct difference between a personality and a person, a diagnosis and a destiny. It is our responsibility to stir hope and catalyze strengths rather than to stew history and analyze at length.

2. Pathologizing

The concept of “mental disorder” is rigid and misleading. In short, diagnosis is description, and by and large, mental health diagnosis provides description of “software” issues rather than “hardware,” so to speak. It’s a language of understanding what type of struggle a person is experiencing. When therapists refer to people by these diagnostic labels, we overgeneralize a person’s experience and distance ourselves from a critical resource: the powerful, complex, and fluid process of therapeutic understanding, the power center of effective therapy.

It is our responsibility to stir hope and catalyze strengths rather than to stew history and analyze at length.

One of my professors, Bill Collins, taught me “pathology” is a dangerous categorization of a person’s experience. He contrasted “providing treatment to people” with “puzzling through a process with someone.” He told of one friend whose father, growing up, would never let him finish anything without taking over. His friend would, as his father asked, begin to screw in a nail with a screwdriver, and before he could finish, his father would grab it from him and say, “Oh, just give me that.” Those kinds of experiences, he noted, leave long-lasting impressions on a person in regard to self-worth and competencies. Bill said we are to “help others to unpack their conclusions about who they are.”

3. Shaming

We ever risk a false sense of expertise about people’s lives against the backdrop of anxiety about our own. If we’re not careful, we may find ourselves reinforcing the tyranny of the perceived should. Should is shame’s accomplice, and therapists must take care not to aid and abet them.

4. Sympathizing

Researcher Brené Brown (2010) rightfully proclaimed, “Empathy fuels connection, while sympathy drives disconnection.” Saying you understand is unhelpful and probably not true. And let’s be honest—it’s usually a ploy to rush people out of their emotionalism, which sends the message, “I really don’t care enough to walk with you through your suffering.”

5. Lecturing

Psychologist and psychotherapy researcher Les Greenberg (2002) wrote, “Darwin, on jumping back from the strike of a glassed-in snake, having approached it with determination not to start back, noted that his will and reason were powerless against even the imagination of a danger that he had never even experienced. Reason is seldom sufficient to change automatic emergency-based emotional responses.”

With a surge in cognitive therapies, there has been a surge in their wrongful implementation, with many therapists engaging in power struggles to convince people of faulty beliefs in order for new, more positive truths to simply work some magic ripple effect into their lives.

As an emotion-focused therapist, I have been prone to, for instance, encourage couples to engage in safer, softer, and more emotionally responsive interactions, yet when I have stood on my own soapbox, encouraging them to do so out of pace with their own readiness, I have violated my own guidance. Miller (1986) observed that people will “persist in an action when they perceive that they have personally chosen to do so.”

6. Babbling

Silence can provoke anxiety, even for therapists, who think they should surely be redirecting, conjecturing, advising. I find myself observing people in therapy watch me watch them watching me watch them. And I have found a power in it. Like a Rorschach ink blot, presence has power in and of itself to nudge a person’s anxiety so it presents and speaks up for itself.

Another of my mentors, Blanche Douglas (2015), wrote: “There was a method in Freud’s madness when he prescribed the analyst be as undefined as possible, not disclosing details about his life and sitting behind the patient out of sight, saying little. This forced the patient to make meaning out of an ambiguous situation, and the only way he could do this was by recourse to his own experiences.”

7. Methodologizing

If a psychotherapist is lifeless or their technique too technical, their efforts to help may be worthless. Therapy, in this case, is not a relationship but a poor excuse for scientific experimentation. The mechanisms of some psychotherapies undermine their therapeutic value. When we fixate on therapeutic modality, we run great risk of missing prime opportunities to interject the most valuable therapeutic tool we have to offer—ourselves.

Additional reading: The Elements of Good Therapy.

References:

1. Brown, B. (Speaker). (2010). Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability [Video file]. Retrieved from https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=en
2. Douglas, B.D. (2015). Therapeutic space and the creation of meaning. Context. Warrington, England, United Kingdom: Association for Family Therapy and Systemic Practice. [Edited by Edwards, B.G.]
3. Greenberg, L.S. (2002). Emotion-focused therapy: Coaching clients to work through their feelings. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.
4. Hillman, J. (1967). Insearch: Psychology and religion. New York, NY: Charles Scribner’s Sons.
5. Miller, W.R. (1986). Increasing motivation for change. In W.R. Miller & N.H. Heather (Eds.), Addictive behaviors: Processes of change. New York, NY: Plenum.

As someone who works a lot with self-esteem, I’m always curious to know where people are with their feelings of self-worth and self-acceptance. Some enter my office reassuring me that self-esteem is not a problem for them. But as we start to work together, I often begin hearing patterns that indicate a person may have perfectionist tendencies. People are sometimes surprised to hear that perfectionism and low self-esteem often go hand-in-hand.

People with perfectionist tendencies habitually judge and measure themselves by what was not accomplished, rather than what was. They see the 95% on a test and focus on the 5% of questions they got wrong. They come in second place and beat themselves up for not coming in first. They fail to see the beauty of their artwork, instead focusing on the smudges no one else would notice. Or they get hung up on the few tasks they didn’t quite accomplish while overlooking the progress they did make despite the barriers that may have gotten in the way.

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The language and self-talk of perfectionist people tends to include a lot of “should” statements: I should have performed better; I should have practiced harder; I should have achieved more. They set up unrealistic, rigid, or too lofty expectations, which inevitably result in feelings of failure and inadequacy.

Being a perfectionist is not the same thing as having healthy goals. Striving to grow and better yourself is a healthy endeavor when coupled with the knowledge that doing so takes time and no matter what, you will still have shortcomings. When a person is unable to accept weaknesses and failures, they never feel “good enough” and self-esteem is impaired. Perfectionist people tend to be highly critical and judgmental, especially regarding themselves.

Procrastination and an inability to make decisions are often other symptoms of perfectionism. For a perfectionist, making a decision, even a seemingly insignificant one, can become very difficult due to fear of making a wrong or bad choice. For example, it may be difficult to choose a restaurant out of fear your suggestion may disappoint your partner or friend. Perfectionists may delay or put off making decisions or starting new endeavors out of concern they won’t get it exactly right. For some people, this can result in extreme anxiety. The problem with indecisiveness and procrastination driven by perfectionism is that the further we get from being able to voice our opinions or follow our dreams, the more we lose our identity and let feelings of self-worth slip away.

Perfectionism and low self-esteem become a vicious cycle. The more a person fails to meet their expectations, the worse they feel about themselves.

In her book The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are, Brené Brown defines perfectionism as a self-destructive and addictive belief system driven by feelings of shame. “Research shows that perfectionism hampers success,” she writes. “In fact, it’s often the path to depression, anxiety, addiction, and life-paralysis.”

Perfection is impossible, but rather than accept this as true, people with perfectionist tendencies often go on seeking to achieve it. Perfectionism and low self-esteem become a vicious cycle. The more a person fails to meet their expectations, the worse they feel about themselves, and thus the harder they strive to meet impossible expectations in an attempt to boost feelings of self-worth.

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Perfectionism can also take a toll on relationships. People with perfectionist tendencies often aim to achieve intimacy and approval by trying to appear perfect to those around them. They may put on a facade to hide their true selves, which naturally includes imperfections, weaknesses, and vulnerabilities. This front tends to limit closeness in relationships and may make others uncomfortable, as the person with perfectionism may be viewed as fake, unapproachable, or inflexible. Over time, attempts to be and appear perfect can lead to burnout.

How to Overcome Perfectionism

Escaping perfectionist tendencies can be a daunting task. Our society is filled with media and advertising that portray unrealistic standards of existence, and it can be difficult to accept these as inflated and embellished paradigms rather than as possible and attainable ideals.

If you recognize that you have perfectionist tendencies, accept it as a normal and common issue rather than criticizing yourself. Think about what your beliefs and potentially irrational thoughts are regarding what will happen if you are not perfect. Work toward making peace with imperfections and recognizing that perfection is an unreachable and fleeting goal.

Relax your standards, lower the bar for yourself, and begin setting more realistic goals. Cut yourself some slack and watch out for the tendency to overcompensate for flaws rather than just accept yourself as human. Partner with a therapist if you need some help. Remember, mistakes are how we learn. It may benefit you to adopt an affirmation or mantra, such as, “I do the best I can.” Praise yourself for the accomplishments in your day, no matter how small they may seem.

As you begin to practice self-acceptance and give yourself praise for the things you have accomplished, your perfectionism may gradually lessen. Letting go of the tendency to dwell on limitations or deficiencies may allow you to both feel better about yourself and focus your energy on positive and achievable growth.

Reference:

Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Center City, MN: Hazeldon.

Change is hard. We resist it, maintaining our longstanding behaviors and belief systems, because familiar is comfortable. We typically seek psychotherapy when our old ways lead to problems that make change necessary.

In conventional therapy, you may spend one or two hours per week developing new skills and exploring alternative perspectives. Once you leave the office, your therapist hopes you will incorporate the work you did into your daily life. Sometimes your therapist will assign you “homework” that reinforces the concepts addressed in your session. You might choose to journal or simply think about what you learned to make better sense of it and to uncover new insights for your next appointment.

This consistent attention to your therapy leads to continuity, the unbroken thread that ties together your revelations from week to week. This is the key to lasting change. You and your therapist plant the seeds for change in your session, and then your independent efforts allow them to take root and grow into the foundation for an improved life.

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Ideally, that is how therapy functions. In less ideal situations, you leave your therapy at the office door and pick it up only when you return the following week. If your needs are minimal, or you just need someone to listen, this pattern could work for you. However, if your goals revolve around healing deep-seated hurts, improving relationships, or breaking lifelong habits, this pattern rarely works. Without consistent effort between sessions, your therapy may feel disconnected from or even irrelevant to your daily life. If you don’t complete the tasks assigned to you each week, you miss the opportunity to practice new skills that contribute to the goals you set for yourself.

When you find yourself forgetting or even avoiding therapeutic work, you might ask yourself what is getting in the way of taking full advantage of your therapy. The most common answer is you don’t have enough time. After work, family, and other commitments, finding additional time and energy to be introspective or to practice new tools seems overwhelming. You feel stretched too thin, and just making it to a weekly appointment feels like the most you can do. If this reflects your situation, you and your therapist can plan how to optimize the limited time you have in a way that feels realistic to you.

If you’re wondering if there’s more to the story, ask yourself the following questions:

1. Do you prioritize others’ needs over your own?

Consider how much time and energy you devote to other people. Once you’ve given to your partner, your children, your friends, your parents, and your colleagues, you may struggle to find any remaining resources for yourself.

If your generosity leaves you feeling depleted, you may need to create stronger boundaries, which includes prioritizing self-care and carving out time for self-reflection outside of therapy.

Changing your life requires work. Weekly therapy sessions are just the beginning.

2. Are your expectations reasonable?

When your therapist asks you to practice a new behavior, it is expected that you will feel uncomfortable and may stumble on your new path. Your therapist wants you to challenge your status quo and take small, calculated risks that result in incremental change. Sometimes, though, perfectionism and all-or-nothing thinking may lead you to believe you must implement new strategies right the first time—or else they’re not worth trying at all. When you operate under this assumption, you miss out on the small victories that add up to greater achievement and increased self-confidence.

Perfectionism and the shame that comes with it may also convince you that what you’re learning in therapy should come easily to you. If these new concepts were obvious to you, you might not need a therapist in the first place! Ask your therapist for help when you’re confused, concerned, or unsure about something you’re processing. They can offer you additional guidance, but only when you’re willing to let them know you need it.

3. Are you afraid of something?

Despite your desire to change your life, actually changing it can be scary. Uncertainty tends to accompany change; perhaps you can’t imagine life any other way than what is familiar to you. Not being able to predict what happens next can feel paralyzing and prevent you from moving forward. Perhaps you also worry that you’ll become someone you don’t recognize.

Modifying your outlook on the world, behaving differently in relationships, and forgiving others and yourself has the power to transform you. You and your therapist should proceed at a pace that is appropriate for you, so you can integrate these new ways of being into your identity. Rather than feeling like you have to become someone else, you can explore how to evolve into a more adaptive, flexible, and limitless version of who you already are.

4. Do you really want to change?

Ultimately, you are in charge of how your life unfolds. You have the right to accept yourself as you are and live your life as you see fit. You have the right to determine which relationships to maintain, what behavior to tolerate, and who deserves your forgiveness. If the change you seek clashes with your core values or is the result of outside pressure, you may struggle to motivate yourself to work on your therapy.

Sometimes, therapy will help you realize you don’t want to or are not ready to change. You get to make that choice. You must remember, however, that you don’t get to choose the consequences of your choice. Your decision may create more peace in your life and/or lead to the end of important relationships. Your decision may leave you stuck in an untenable situation and/or open your eyes to the positive aspects of your life that you previously ignored. Whatever you do, make sure your choice not to change is the one that feels right for you.

Changing your life requires work. Weekly therapy sessions are just the beginning. The real work happens between sessions, when you actively engage in the creation of change and commit to making it last.

If you pay close attention to social media, music messages, and news trends, you’d be forgiven for thinking disrespectful and rude behavior from children and adolescents is on the rise. The challenges of modern parenting certainly add a layer of complexity. In many families, the authoritarian parenting styles of previous generations have given way to a gentler approach to managing problem behaviors in kids, some of whom have less direct supervision with two parents working and thus more time to be influenced by peers.

Simply put, many parents don’t have the time or resources needed to thoroughly work through undesirable behaviors with their children. As a result, many children have a limited understanding of how to behave respectfully and appropriately.

Where Does Disrespectful Behavior Come From?

When your child or adolescent begins to behave disrespectfully toward you, it is a clear indication you’ve lost some control in the relationship. As a parent, it may be time to change how you respond to your child’s behavior. It is crucial to be consistent in your response going forward and to take your power back. You don’t have to adopt an authoritarian style of discipline in order to establish a clear, firm set of ground rules regarding what behavior will be tolerated and what will not.

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At the same time, it’s important to recognize that not all unpleasant behaviors are coming from an unhealthy place. It is not unusual for children and adolescents to challenge authority by rolling their eyes, talking back, or otherwise demonstrating an attitude. When kids behave in this way, they are often pushing back in the normal course of individuation, or developing a sense of self separate from their parents.

How to Avoid Power Struggles

Once you have emotionally entered into a power struggle with your child or adolescent, you have lost. The following are strategies to avoid being pulled into a power struggle:

1. Do not take what is said by your child or adolescent personally. Although this can be difficult if your child or adolescent is swearing in your face or name-calling, getting swept up in the words and the heated emotions behind them will only undermine your message, which is: I am in charge here. Period.
2. Have a plan ready. If your child or adolescent has been successful in embroiling you into a fight or a power struggle in the past, be prepared for them to try to do it again. Plan ahead about what you are going to do when your kid attempts to pull you in again. Plan to take a calm, businesslike tone. Know your limits in advance, plan to state them, and walk away. Plan to avoid engaging in push-pull.
3. Give your child or adolescent an active role in resolving problematic behavior. I often recommend to parents that they involve their child or adolescent in discussions about what they believe the consequences for disrespectful behavior should be. If your kid has a voice in what happens, they may have more buy-in. Once consequences have been determined, you may decide to give the consequence and have a follow-up discussion later about what happened.
4. Be consistent. Perhaps the most difficult part about parenting is being consistent, yet it is also the most important part. If you want your child or adolescent to take you seriously and behave differently in the future, you must be steady in your responses and the disciplinary measures you employ.
5. Be clear about your role. As a parent, your role is to teach and model respectful behavior and effective problem solving in order to help your child or adolescent function appropriately and successfully. Your job is to help them grow into responsible, respectful adults in an increasingly challenging world. That means setting reasonable rules and limits, and being prepared to enforce them. Let it be known that while you love your child unconditionally, you won’t tolerate disrespect—toward you or anyone else.