girl on train listening to musicIf you like to listen to music, you’re probably familiar with the intense flurry of emotion that can come when you hear a song that precisely fits the mood you’re in—a song that perfectly captures what you’re thinking and feeling. You might have organized playlists to turn to in order to create such an experience, securing instant access to songs that can meet your needs.

You’re not alone if one of those playlists is suited for heartache. Many of us turn to music after breakups, whether this music is muffled from under a tear-soaked blanket, blasted through running earbuds, or belted from the diaphragm.

A breakup is a loss, so it evokes everything that comes with loss: confusion, denial, longing, anger, depression, despair. Through all this chaos, heartbreak can magnify our needs for comfort, support, and understanding. One way we can meet those needs is through music.

Pain Relief: How Music Supports You at the End of the Road

For decades, researchers have been examining the pain-relieving effects of music, and for good reason: a considerable amount of research supports the notion that music can have positive effects on listeners in pain.

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In one study, published in 2006, Mitchell and McDonald induced pain by having participants immerse their hands in ice water. They found participants who listened to music of their choosing could withstand pain for significantly longer than those who listened to music chosen by the experimenters or no music at all. In a 2008 study, Mitchell, McDonald, and Knussen found listening to music also decreased study participants’ levels of anxiety when the researchers induced pain.

Researchers are investigating the mechanics underlying the impact of music on coping with pain. In a 2010 study by Salimpoor et al., participants were asked to bring along music they found moving. The researchers then examined functional MRI scans of participants and found significant increases of dopamine, the neurotransmitter involved in reward and pleasure, in the brain at the moments that participants were deeply moved by the music they chose. The dopamine increase started even in preceding moments, when the participants started to anticipate these poignant parts of their songs.

Have you ever gotten the chills while listening to music? Salimpoor et al. suggest this dopamine rush is responsible.

Music can have soothing and moving effects on us, including actual physiological reactions in our brains. Neuroscientists are continuing to research this topic, learning more about the way music affects our brains and shapes our experiences. But what we know so far indicates what many of us recognize intuitively: listening to music you love can alleviate some of the hurt in your heart.

Why, then, are we drawn specifically to breakup music? If any music we enjoy can give us a dopamine boost, why do we look to breakup songs to help us feel a little better?

Song Lyrics: How Words Remind Us We Will Survive

Have you ever been so overwhelmed with feelings you just didn’t want to talk about them? Intense emotion can make you feel lost—stuck in a place where you may not know how to tame the tornado of thoughts and feelings inside of you and order them into tidy words.

The lyrics of a good breakup song can help you express thoughts and feelings often difficult to articulate otherwise. You may not even know how you feel before you hear it stated perfectly in a song. At a time when it can be difficult to organize your thoughts—let alone communicate them to others—hearing, “How can you mend a broken heart?” can suddenly give you clarity about the anguish you’ve been dealing with: it’s a broken heart! The lyrics of a song can bring unresolved, unspoken, unknown thoughts to the surface and bring you closer to understanding what is happening inside of you.

On top of realizing how you are feeling, it can be powerfully validating to hear someone express thoughts and feelings similar to yours. You learn even though you are hurting, you are not alone in an abyss of misery built only for you. You’re grieving, and that’s a human reaction to losing love. That experience doesn’t isolate you. In fact, it connects you to the people around you.

Coldplay and Carole King and Lauryn Hill can help you remember that.

References:

  1. Mitchell, L. A., & MacDonald, R. A. (2006). An experimental investigation of the effects of preferred and relaxing music listening on pain perception. Journal of Music Therapy, 43(4), 295-316.
  2. Mitchell, L. A., MacDonald, R. A., & Knussen, C. (2008). An investigation of the effects of music and art on pain perception. Psychology of Aesthetics, Creativity, and the Arts, 2(3), 162-170.
  3. Salimpoor, V. N., Benovoy, M., Larcher, K., Dagher, A., & Zatorre, R. J. (2011). Anatomically distinct dopamine release during anticipation and experience of peak emotion to music. Nature Neuroscience, 14, 257-262. doi:10.1038/nn.2726

toy left at grave siteThe death of a child is one of the most difficult and traumatic events that a parent can encounter, one that will shape emotional experiences over the lifespan. Parents will encounter a wide range of emotions that will, in most cases, fundamentally change who they are. They will experience not only intense grief but also regret, remorse, and guilt about not being able to protect their child.

The emotions experienced by parents with regard to the loss of a child are due, in large part, to individual and social beliefs about parenting and the roles of parents. The death of a child erases what many parents view as a fundamental certainty: that they will outlive their children. Although there are no certainties in life, the assumption that a parent will outlive his or her child is one that is clearly taken for granted. Further, because a parent’s identity is integrally tied to his or her child, the death will alter the way the parent looks at and experiences the world. Children change the way parents look at the world and themselves. A child’s identity often becomes an integral part of the parent’s lived experiences, views on life, and personal understanding. Thus, when a child is lost, a significant part of the parent can be lost as well.

The death of a child, to many, may seem like an insurmountable event. Parents may experience extreme difficulty in moving on and may, for a long time, be unable to connect with others. Parents may choose to isolate themselves and, for a time, this may be helpful. However, parents are social beings who sooner or later will need to reconnect with the world around them, either through work or through their community. When this does not occur naturally, help and support from a counselor may be needed to help the parent come to terms with the loss and to begin the healing process.

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The healing process may also include other activities that are integral to the well-being of the parent as part of a larger social community. As a parent begins to heal, he or she may seek out relationships, and, in time, may decide to marry or have additional children. For some, the prospect of having another deeply emotional relationship may seem too difficult. For others, these relationships may provide an important support for coping and healing. The decisions made by the parent should be respected, as each person will need to come to terms with loss in his or her own way. By enabling parents to grieve in the best way they see fit, true healing can occur.

The decision to marry following the death of a child is one that is deeply personal and requires the parent to consider his or her emotional state and readiness for this transition. Again, it is important to remember that each individual grieves in his or her own way. Some parents will be ready and able to move on with their lives before others. Accepting this and recognizing differences in grieving will help parents and their supporters to come to terms with personal decisions made following the death of a child. No matter what decisions are made, they must be respected by others and viewed as part of the healing process.

Parents experiencing emotional distress or uncertainty after the loss of a child should seek the help of a professional counselor to help them understand their emotions and to make positive choices moving forward. The help and support of counselors should also be sought if the individual is experiencing emotions that are detrimental to personal well-being and health (such as suicidal ideation, depression, etc.). The decision to marry following the death of a child carries with it the possibility for additional loss through divorce. Therefore, making this decision with proper support is advisable.

man on smart phoneAs more information becomes available about Elliot Rodgers, the man who allegedly killed six people in California, the media continues to focus on what his therapist did or did not do right. Therapy can and does help people who struggle with challenges such as isolation and anger, but therapists face serious ethical challenges when faced with potentially dangerous clients.

The Importance of Confidentiality

Confidentiality is the bedrock of healthy and productive therapy. Many people have fleeting angry thoughts, and it’s common to speak in hyperbole, such as in the instance that a teenager tells her therapist that she wishes her mother were dead. Mandating that any violent thought or feeling be immediately reported, then, could be an overreaction that lands nonviolent people in trouble.

Some therapists are concerned that more stringent reporting requirements could undermine good therapy. People who desperately need help may opt not to seek therapy if they are worried that doing so will land them in jail or a psychiatric hospital. People who are currently in therapy may not be fully honest with their therapists if they sense that one wrong word will cause them to be reported to the authorities. Further, targeting people with mental health issues cannot fully solve the problem, since not all spree killers experience mental health issues. In fact, people with mental health issues are more likely to be crime victims than crime perpetrators.

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The Consequences of Reporting

Despite therapists’ best efforts to maintain confidentiality and offer extraordinary care, they have an ethical duty to protect general public and report clients who make clear and specific threats of violence. The decision to report isn’t always an easy one, though. State reporting requirements vary, and therapists must determine the appropriate person or authority to report the threat to.

The consequences to a client’s life of such a report can be powerful and long-lasting. Most police officers don’t get mental health training. Calling a client’s family or spouse is not always helpful, particularly if the family is unsupportive of the client’s attempts to get better in therapy. A client who is in serious distress may make police officers feel threatened. Several people who have had suicidal thoughts or tendencies have been shot by police in the last year.

Given the risks to which clients are exposed when their therapists report them, some therapists avoid reporting until they know a threat is imminent, and by then it may be too late. There’s only so much that law enforcement can do to stop a crime, and even the best therapist can’t talk someone out of a spree killing.

Improving Care for People with Anger Issues

Joshua Nash, a GoodTherapy.org anger Topic Expert, emphasizes that people who are at risk of harming others need better care and that mental health training could begin to improve outcomes for troubled therapy clients. He explained to GoodTherapy.org,

“If we continue to view these incidents as ‘anger management‘ concerns, we fail to see the underlying issues at play. All too often anger results from unexpressed emotions and the unacknowledged irrational beliefs that spawned them. Carrying around a core belief of one’s worthlessness and powerlessness can certainly serve as a powder keg for future explosions. A direction I would love to see the mental health field move towards is an increased focus on psychoeducation for all personnel that come into contact with high risk individuals. Learning to differentiate genuine peace and calm from a forced, affected ‘okayness’ might just prevent further tragedies from occurring.”

References:

  1. Experts fear proposed N.Y. gun law might hinder therapy. (2013, January 15). Retrieved from http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2013/01/15/ny-gun-law-therapy/1836323/
  2. Fact sheets. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://depts.washington.edu/mhreport/facts_violence.php
  3. Goldberg, J. (2014, May 25). Christian Alberto Sierra, Purcellville teenager threatening suicide, shot, killed by police. Retrieved from http://www.wjla.com/articles/2014/05/christian-alberto-sierra-purcellville-teenager-threatening-suicide-shot-killed-by-police-103465.html
  4. Palmer, B. (n.d.). Elliot Rodger was seeing multiple therapists. Why couldn’t they stop him? Retrieved from http://www.slate.com/articles/health_and_science/medical_examiner/2014/05/elliot_rodger_therapists_why_did_they_and_law_enforcement_fail_to_recognize.html

Woman looking anxiousMost of us experience anxiety at different times in life; it’s when it takes over our quality of life that that it becomes a problem. But what is anxiety, and do you experience it?

There two different types of anxiety: external and internal.

External anxiety comes from outside events that produce an internal reaction inside us. Examples include sitting in traffic jams and worrying about being late, or perhaps an argument with a spouse.

Internal anxiety is when a person internally generates anxiety with an internal thought.

Thinking, “What if my boyfriend doesn’t like what I said and he leaves me, and then I’m all alone and I can’t take care of myself and I break down?”

We think the worst, and then our thoughts become a generator of this biochemical reaction in our bodies. A moment of anxiety automatically sends an alarm system to our brains. In this case, the anxiety is all in the mind, and it manifests into a physical reaction. When this happens, we start to question the physical symptoms.

The fuzzy, anxious feeling won’t hurt you. It’s only an adrenaline response. But when you focus on the fear, you may create more cortisol and adrenaline, which will create more body symptoms and more confusion. When adrenaline hits the lymbic system of the brain, we feel intense terror. The thinking part of our brain reacts, and we start to question how we feel and we want to fix it.

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Start by making a list of situations that make you uncomfortable and you find yourself wanting to avoid. Here are some possible examples:

Now write down the body sensations you could experience during an anxiety episode.

Here are more examples:

Now that you’ve thought about what makes you most anxious and how you react, don’t worry—you are not crazy, and you are not alone.

Anxiety can be caused by the following:

The following is a six-part approach to helping manage anxiety:

  1. Recognize that you are feeling anxious and accept feelings as a sign that something is bothering you.
  2. Try to figure out what is really bothering you. Is it some kind of conflict you don’t want to deal with? Is it a scary thought? Is it a ridiculous expectation you have of yourself. Did you eat chocolate or drink caffeine last night?
  3. Give yourself permission to feel anxious about whatever it is that is bothering you.
  4. Use compassion and self-talk to move past anxiety. It will be ok. You can go about your business until it passes.
  5. Get busy. Do something productive with all the energy.
  6. Try to see a little humor in the way you feel and laugh at yourself a little. For example, if you don’t like confronting someone, say to yourself, “I don’t like confronting people. That is a normal, OK reaction to have.”

Being aware of what is causing your anxiety is the first step. Once you find out what is bothering you, you can use the six-part approach above to help cope with and diminish your symptoms. Remember, anxiety is often caused by a physical reaction to our thoughts. If one can stop and take time to recognize the thoughts and where they are coming from, one can then learn to do self-talk and understand that there are healthy ways to manage anxiety.

It might surprise you to hear this, but I think you might be on to something in seeking self-acceptance. While I do not think that you should accept that your current circumstances and perspectives are all that you can ever hope for, it is very difficult to change deeply held beliefs about yourself. Leaping right to changing these beliefs might feel impossible and therefore fruitless. So, for now, you might simply accept that these are the beliefs that you currently have about yourself. Your next step could then be to fully explore these beliefs. Try to understand where they came from and how they are impacting your life. Partnering with a therapist to engage in this exploration could be very helpful.

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Often, the destructive beliefs we have about ourselves and the negative behaviors we engage in served a purpose for us at one time. For example, a child who is routinely told that he is no good and worthless might learn to believe this over time as a means of minimizing the shock and hurt that he feels when he is criticized. This child might also learn to keep people at a distance so that he does not risk being hurt by them, too. These coping mechanisms might help this child survive and make it into adulthood, but if he continues to hold these beliefs about himself and keep people at a distance, he will likely be quite lonely and unhappy. Working with a therapist might help you to identify the purpose that your beliefs once served and determine whether they are still necessary.

As for an exploration of how these beliefs are impacting your life now, consider some of the following questions: Do these beliefs prevent you from doing things socially? Do they interfere with your ability to succeed professionally? Do they create conflict in the relationships you have? Do they stop you from engaging in hobbies? Now, imagine you could somehow send these beliefs on a vacation for a day—they would just get up, leave you and be gone for the day. How might you feel without these beliefs about yourself? How would you spend this day? Who would you interact with? What would you do? Tapping into even a glimmer of what life could be like in the absence of these beliefs can arm you with the inspiration and hope you need to take some steps toward healing.

All my best,
Sarah

GoodTherapy | Parenting: Understanding Your Child’s NatureChildren have a core nature—a set of automatically triggered perceptions, priorities, values, and meanings that are present at birth, identifiable at an early age, and largely unchanging over time. Parents also have a nature, the one that they were born with. A parent’s nature might be the same as or quite different from that of their co-parent, child, or children.

This nature is determined by the degree to which a child is, naturally and normally;

  1. More extraverted or introverted as their primary source of life energy
  2. More literal or possibilities-oriented when processing information
  3. More thinking- or feelings-oriented when making decisions and experiencing emotions
  4. More structured or open-ended when dealing with life events

Like the degree to which a child proves to be left-, right-, or mixed-handed, a child’s degree of response orientation on these four dichotomies is innate, a genetic given with little room for intentional alteration. An extraverted child, for example, is energized more by ongoing verbal interactions with those around him or her. In contrast, introspective reflective processes provide more energy for an introverted child.

The nature of this difference is such that the longer the extraverted child is required to listen without responding, the greater the possibility that they will start to feel disconnected from their sense of self separate from others. If this happens, an extraverted child may interrupt the flow of conversation to speak, in order to get that sense of connection back.

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Conversely, the longer an introverted child is required to engage in uninterrupted verbal interactions the greater the possibility they will start to feel disconnected from their sense of self separate from others. If this happens the child may attempt to disengage in order to get that sense of connection back. Contrary to common beliefs and dictionary definitions, most introverts are not shy, withdrawn, or antisocial, and they do not categorically have depression. They are simply wired to process information and come to conclusions through introspective reflective processes.

A child’s natural response orientation on these four dichotomies determines:

  1. Which of four possible natures, called temperaments, they are wired to respond with, and
  2. The manner in which they will express that temperament in action.

Elizabeth Murphy, EdD, author of The Developing Child and co-creator of the Murphy-Meisgeier Type Indicator for Children, has provided compelling evidence that supports these statements. In a longitudinal study of type development across the ages, Murphy identified, at a preconscious age of development (under 9 months of age), each child’s response orientation on the four dichotomies mentioned above. Each child was then retested during childhood, during adolescence, and into his or her adult life. The temperament-driven nature Murphy identified in each child at a preconscious age of development did not change across time.

The significance of these findings cannot be overstated. If the temperament-driven nature of adults can be identified at a preconscious age of development, then

  1. Nature, rather than nurture, is the key determinant of individual differences in personalities, and
  2. The key impact of parents on their child does not come from a role in personality development, but rather in how the child grows up feeling about the temperament-driven nature they already have.

As a child’s ability to express what they are thinking and feeling becomes more visible, parents can often identify their child’s nature.

One child will automatically tune in to standard rules of behavior. They will want to know what those rules are, will abide by them, and expect others to do the same. Approximately 45% of newborns are so wired. A thorough study of temperament percentages in the general population has yet to be made. The percentage estimates provided here are based on a few studies made in conjunction with the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator that need to be confirmed by a neutral examiner.  Well-known adults that came into the world with this response orientation include Harry Truman, Barbara Walters, Rosa Parks, and Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes.

Another child will automatically be sensitive to the tone of communication and how people are treating each other. For these children, if it is not said nicely, it is not nice. They are wired to facilitate harmony in human interactions and feel guilty and bad, out of proportion to objective reality, if they upset or disappoint someone. They may also experience disproportionate feelings of hurt and rejection when responded to in a neutral or blunt manner. Choice is not an option. This sensitivity is a natural given to children so wired. Approximately 18% of newborns will respond in this manner. Well-known individuals with this response orientation include Oprah Winfrey, Mohandas Gandhi, Isabel Briggs Meyers, and Carl Rogers. This is also the natural response orientation of approximately 70% of marriage and family therapists in private practice.

A third nature that a child may have is governed by objective criterion of cause and effect. For these children, what is said or done must make logical sense or it will be experienced as invalid.

Their natural manner of self-expression is emotionally neutral and direct. Approximately 15% of newborns will have this temperament-driven nature. Individuals born with this response orientation include Steve Jobs, Hilary Clinton, Albert Einstein, and Whoopi Goldberg.

The fourth nature a child may have is governed by immediate sensory experience. Children with this response orientation have the highest level of in-the-moment perception and pragmatic responsiveness of the four natures. Conventional dictates that are not practical in attaining their immediate goals will tend to be ignored. Such children can appear to be impulsive, selfish or immature. However, this is usually not the case. In fact, children so wired are often found among the most gifted practitioners in both the fine as well as the martial arts. Approximately 22% of newborns will prove to be so wired. Well-known individuals with this response orientation include Amelia Earhart, George C. Patton, Barbara Streisand, and Andre Agassi.

A. A. Milne’s Winnie the Pooh fables include a wide range of memorable characters that provide concrete examples of these temperament-driven natures in action. Christopher Robin, Pooh, Eeyore, Tigger, Piglet, Rabbit, Owl, Kanga, Roo, and Gopher are found in various combinations, addressing situations from noticeably disparate perspectives that often lead to very different conclusions.

Time and again Rabbit, who is wired to abide by the rules and speak up when they are not being followed, and Pooh and Tigger, captured by the moment and what the moment might offer, clash over whose perspective is right and whose is not.

What follows is a morality play with Rabbit pointing out society’s rules of behavior based on consideration and respect for others, and Pooh or Tigger countering with their own reasoning for why those rules should not apply to the situation at hand. Episodes that include the eternal pessimist Eeyore often have a nurturing friend like Piglet or Christopher Robin trying to lift his spirits. And then there is Owl, always ready to point out when other inhabitants of The Hundred Acre Wood are not making logical sense.

The one constant in these wonderful stories involves each character’s temperament driven nature. It does not change across time.

Parenting episodes have Kanga, a by-the-rules mother, trying to get her child Roo to see beyond his natural in-the-moment responses to the consequences that those behaviors might have. The challenge for Kanga comes from finding a way to communicate important life lessons in a manner that Roo can understand—a manner that does not require Roo to respond in a way he is not wired to respond in, or feel bad about the way he naturally responds that differs from that of his mother.

In order for real-life parents to accomplish this goal, it is important that they first understand their own temperament-driven nature as well as that of their co-parent, if their co-parent’s nature differs from their own. This can be done by downloading and filling in the Natural Personality Questionnaire found at NaturalPersonalityInstitute.com.

This questionnaire uses the four-letter classification typology developed for use with the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, the most widely used personality assessment tool in the world today. Although type profiles are usually accurate, some are not. Errors in scoring choices may come from a lack of self-awareness, or from associating a meaning to the terms used that differs from that which the test designer intended. Consequently, no guarantee can be given regarding the accuracy of an individual’s scoring profile. If you have a 4-3 score on any of the four dichotomies, you can go to Ross Reinhold’s website, PersonalityPathways.com, and fill in the more comprehensive questionnaire found there to see if your 4-3 score or scores remain the same.

Within your four-letter personality type code is a two-letter code that identifies your temperament-driven nature. The first letter of your temperament code is found on the Sensing-iNtuition dichotomy. That is the second column from the left on the questionnaire.

The automatically triggered primary priority for each temperament is as follows;

To date, no study has been conducted on the function and purpose of the four natures. It is the author’s belief that nature designed four distinctly different types of human beings to attend to four critical areas of need in a functioning human society, areas that are so disparate that differences in perceptual driven priorities and meanings were necessary to attend to them.

The stronger an individual’s response orientation is on the two dichotomies that determine their temperament, the greater the likelihood that they will respond in a manner that is consistent with their temperament type.

Once parents have identified their two-letter temperament code, they should see my previous article on using the four temperaments to resolve conflicts for additional information on each of the four temperament-driven natures.

When parents have different temperaments, it is important that they understand the following:

  1. The natural and normal perceptions, priorities, values, and meanings that each brings to the parenting process.
  2. That their areas of difference are not matters of choice but of nature.
  3. That accommodation and compromise are the best approach when natural differences become an issue in their parenting efforts. By so doing, parents eliminate debilitating debates over who is right and who is not from their efforts to resolve their natural differences in approach. They also provide their child with a helpful model for dealing with significant others in their life that naturally differ from them.

This manner of addressing natural differences helps parents distribute child-raising role responsibilities in a way that best utilizes their individual strengths and minimizes the possibility of unintentionally undermining each other’s parenting efforts.

The next step is to identify the temperament-driven nature of the child. Additional information on type in children can be found in

  1. Otto Kroeger and Janet M. Thuesen’s Type Talk: The 16 Personality Types That Determine How We Live, Love, and Work
  2. Paul D. & Barbara B. Tieger’s Nurture by Nature
  3. Michael Gurian’s Nurture the Nature: Understanding and Supporting Your Child’s Unique Core Personality

Once parents have a clear sense of their child’s temperament driven nature, they can

  1. Respond in a manner that validates their child’s perceptual reality when it differs from their own.
  2. Teach their child important life lessons in a manner that does not cause their child to feel bad about the way they are that naturally differs from those in their life that they are required to accommodate.

Parents who understand their own temperament-driven nature, as well as the nature of a child or children that naturally differ from them, can

  1. Provide validating responses that mirror the perceptual reality of their child when it differs from their own, and
  2. Communicate different temperament driven perceptions, priorities, values, or meanings, when necessary, in a manner that does not leave the child feeling that there is something wrong with them because they naturally differ from their parent or parents in that area.

Reference:

Siegel, Daniel J. An Interpersonal Neurobiology of the Developing Mind. 2001,The Infant Mental Health Journal, 22(1-2), 67-94.

GoodTherapy | 5 Steps to Reviving Sexless and Sex-Starved MarriagesFor many couples, the sexual intimacy tends to wax and wane over time. I get countless couples who state they have had sex-starved or sexless marriages for years. They come to sex therapy to rebuild, but then struggle on the path to recovery.

For the purposes of this discussion, a sexless marriage is one in which sex happens 10 times a year or fewer. In these marriages, sex is so infrequent that by the time couples do have sex it can feel awkward, uncomfortable, and even involve sexual dysfunction.

Sexless marriages tend to be cyclical in nature. First, individuals wait for long periods of time between sexual encounters. During that time, pressure or tension builds between the partners. Next, individuals put higher expectations on the sexual experience. When they do have sex, something goes wrong or it just doesn’t meet expectations. This leads to both partners feeling like failures and waiting even longer before trying sex again. It’s a vicious cycle.

Relationships become sexless or sex-starved for a variety of reasons. Sometimes couples don’t intentionally set aside time to themselves as a couple. It is hard to be intimate if you don’t feel connected to your partner. Other times, an individual may develop a sexual dysfunction such as orgasmic disorder, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, or pain during sex. Instead of getting treatment, the person avoids sex.

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Whatever the cause, once couples get into the cycle, it can be difficult to break, especially if the cycle lasts for more than a year. After a year, couples begin to build resentments toward one another. The lack of intimacy can lead to problems in other areas of the relationship.

In sex therapy, couples learn how to rebuild their relationship over time. Couples can expect a sex therapist to assign different intimacy-building tasks to help them gain confidence and comfort within the sexual realm. Typically, sex therapy can last anywhere from six sessions to 15-plus depending on what relationship issues may also need resolution. I strongly encourage couples struggling with this issue to seek help before it is too late.

For couples who would like to prevent sexless marriages, here are a few intimacy-building tips to keep the spark in your relationship long term:

  1. Make your relationship a priority. Set aside time together alone at least three times weekly. This can include a date night, going for walks, cuddle time before bed, sharing a hobby, having a coffee together on your porch, sharing a meal, exercising together, or anything else that involves you two being alone together.
  2. Create and keep couple rituals. A couple ritual is a habit you and your partner share with one another that is unique to your relationship. A ritual can be simple or great. Examples include brushing your teeth together, watching a game show and competing for who can answer the questions first, kissing before you leave for work and once you get home, an inside joke or special language only the two of you share, etc. Develop a variety of couple rituals and keep these rituals going over the years.
  3. Intentionally and regularly put yourself in the mood for sex. People tend to wait until they feel sexy before initiating sex. The issue with this is that during different times in your life, you will have more or less desire for sex. Rather than waiting, learn what turns you on and intentionally do things to put yourself in the mood. I encourage each person in a couple to put themselves in the mood and initiate sex with their partner once every week.
  4. Flirt and keep flirting. While dating, couples are great at flirting with one another. They share sexy text messages, speak with innuendo, smile and toss their hair, dress their best, and in general try to attract their partner. Many couples get married and assume flirting is not necessary anymore. Flirting is a key component to keeping that spark flowing.
  5. Work at it. Try new things. Talk about likes and dislikes. Practice being more romantic. Be affectionate regularly. Whatever you do, understand that intimacy in long-term relationships takes work from both parties. As long as you are both committed to do that work, you’ll do just fine.

Couple at table with mugs, looking downA rich body of research confirms that men interrupt women more frequently than they interrupt men. According to a new study, though, it’s not just men who are the problem. Both men and women feel entitled to interrupt women more frequently than they interrupt men.

Men, Women, and Interruptions

Researchers wanted to check for several potential gender differences in communication style, most notably the tendency to interrupt a conversation partner. Forty participants—20 male and 20 female—each had a three-minute conversation with one male and one female conversation partner.

The conversation partners were trained to code the conversations for a host of words and conversational styles, including the use of personal pronouns, hedge statements, adverbs, dependent clauses, empty filler, and interruptions. When researchers examined the conversations, they found that subjects who talked with a woman interrupted more frequently—regardless of the gender of the subject.

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Gender Differences in Communication?

We’ve all heard endless claims—in pop psychology books, in fashion magazines, and virtually everywhere else—suggesting that men and women communicate so differently that they might as well be speaking different languages. This study, however, suggests that may not be true. In addition to analyzing interruption patterns, researchers also looked at the specific words and parts of speech speakers used. When talking to a woman, participants tended to use more dependent clauses. These parts of speech are typically part of longer, more complex sentences.

Researchers speculate that participants who spoke to a woman anticipated that the woman would use more flowery language. Just as you might simplify your speech when talking to a child or develop a subtle accent when talking to someone with an accent, subjects might have thought that women were going to use more developed language, and therefore used such language themselves. Despite these subtle adjustments in the way both men and women spoke to women, though, researchers did not find differences in the way men and women spoke. If the researchers’ interpretation is correct, then, both men and women expect women to speak differently, even when they don’t.

Social scientists have long argued that gender discrimination is structural and systemic, which means both men and women participate in sexism even when they don’t mean to. The notion that women play a role in silencing other women’s voices may help bolster this claim.

References:

  1. Hancock, A. B. (2014). Influence of communication partner’s gender on language. Journal of Language and Social Psychology. doi: 10.1177/0261927X14533197
  2. Robb, A. (2014, May 14). Women get interrupted more — even by other women. Retrieved from http://www.newrepublic.com/article/117757/gender-language-differences-women-get-interrupted-more

caterpillarAs a psychotherapist, I am often asked why some people change and some don’t. This is a great question, one that most therapists think about all the time.

A person I treat who is deeply into therapy recently confessed that she was exhausted from working on herself. YES! If you’ve ever tried to change anything about yourself, you know it is hard. It takes a lot of sustained effort to make most changes; just the act of intense self-observation can feel like hard work.

In my experience, the most important factor is motivation. Your husband or mom wanting you to change may be a motivator, but if you don’t believe you need to make the change, it’s going to be hard to muster the effort required to make it happen.

Let’s look at some examples. Suppose you have gained 20 pounds (most of us can relate!) and are going to a wedding in three months, so you want to look your best. This is strong motivation, and though you may be able to find the discipline to lose the weight in the short term, what will happen after the wedding? For most of us, if the motivation is not strong enough, we will start to slowly balloon after the event because the motivation no longer serves us.

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A more successful long-term change will need to incorporate a deeper motivation and will require you to look seriously at yourself and think about deep-seated beliefs, patterns, and expectations. You will probably need to line up some support from family and community. It will also require you to thoughtfully revise your behavior, anticipate challenges, and gradually practice new routines. That’s a lot to take on, and not everyone is prepared to do the work.

Suppose, for example, you have a phobia of driving across bridges. It may be possible to avoid going over bridges for much of your life by going on different routes, getting rides, or taking public transportation. Perhaps you have existed like this for years, and are used to—even comfortable with—these adjustments. Until it becomes a big enough problem for you, you may not be motivated to work through the steps needed to conquer this fear. For most, this would involve examining the fear, discussing it, and then gradually exposing yourself to the feared activity until you can tolerate it, and then you would need to keep practicing it until it becomes more of a new habit. That takes time and sustained effort.

So how do you motivate someone to change?

In general, when people feel pushed into change, they don’t like it! Inviting them to strengthen their resolve and soften the obstacles may yield more motivation and hence make the change process more likely to be effective and to stick.

As a change agent, I often use techniques offered in motivational interviewing (MI) to help intensify a person’s motivation to change. Originally developed as a more positive approach for treating addicted people, MI gently invites a person to challenge his or her own motivation and identify the obstacles in a self-determined way. This usually takes some time, so both change agent and the person attempting change will need to practice compassion and a lot of patience.

For more information about MI, click here.

Young woman climbing in adventure rope parkWhile most social networking profiles are populated with photos of friends and family coupled with a few political or religious rants, it’s easy to spot the page of someone who enjoys risky behavior. These are the social networking profiles covered in photos of skydiving missions, rugged camping trips, and endless exotic travel. While these images can be appealing, they can occasionally be an indication that someone compulsively takes dangerous risks. In some circumstances, they may even have an addiction to risk-taking. While most people are loathe to take on excessive risk every day, people who love the feeling of adrenaline are always looking for a life of adventure.

Adrenaline and Stress

Although adrenaline addiction isn’t a recognized diagnosis—and is unlikely to become one—the “adrenaline junkie” really does exist. Adrenaline, sometimes called norepinephrine, is a hormone and neurotransmitter the body releases in large quantities during times of stress. It’s adrenaline that enables the fight or flight response, and when the body starts releasing large quantities of adrenaline, some people experience a powerful “adrenaline high.” Although everyone produces adrenaline in response to stress, some people crave the process, while other people find an adrenaline dump stressful and uncomfortable.

The Adrenaline Junkie Personality

People who constantly seek adventure have a strong need for stimulation. This can be just a personality quirk. People with domineering type-A personalities are more likely to crave risk-taking. In some cases, though, a craving for adventure can be the product of a mental health condition. A person with attention deficit or ADHD, for example, might need more stimulation than most people, and may resort to adventure-seeking as a form of self-medication. People with domineering type-A personality are more likely to have problematic risk-taking behavior.

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The Post-Rush Crash

There’s nothing inherently wrong with being a risk-taker, especially if you are reasonably cautious. For physical activities, this includes wearing a helmet, listening to an instructor, and taking other basic safety precautions.  For some risk-takers, though, adventure can become an addiction. After the thrill is gone, risk-seeking individuals can experience a post-rush crash that yields feelings of depression or inadequacy. This can necessitate taking bigger and more frequent risks—much like a person’s tolerance to other activities or substances increases with addiction.

Signs You Might Have Problematic Risk-Taking Behavior

Daring physical risks, such as skydiving or BASE jumping, may be indicators of a distressing love of adrenaline,  but these aren’t the only ways people get adrenaline rushes. Creating conflict in your personal life can also spur an adrenaline rush. Some other signs that risk-taking may be problematic include:

Adrenaline junkies often lead interesting lives, and they can be fun to watch. In most cases, adrenaline junkies are just people out for a good time. Just like any other behavior, though, when the search for adrenaline gets out of control, it can lead to dangerous consequences. If you’re concerned about an adrenaline addiction, Adrenaline Addicts Anonymous offers group support.

Many therapists work with people who have problematic risk-taking behavior. You can look for therapists in your area by searching on the GoodTherapy.org therapist directory.

References:

  1. Lencioni, P. (2005, Winter). The painful reality of adrenaline addiction [PDF]. Leadership Review.
  2. Weil, A., M.D. (n.d.). What makes an adrenaline junkie? Retrieved from http://www.drweil.com/drw/u/QAA401366/What-Makes-an-Adrenaline-Junkie.html

ContemplativeDeath is a subject that is generally off-limits in our society. We spend much of our time denying its existence and its inexorable approach, even though we all realize that we will die “some day.” For the most part, however, we try to convince ourselves that the day is far away and we operate from the premise that we are invincible—until the wheel of fate rolls around to show us just how vulnerable we really are.

We imagine that our loved ones will always be there for us, and often fail to take the time to let them know just how much we really care about them. This fact was recently driven home to me when a very dear friend finally lost the battle he’d been waging against cancer for the past year. Although I called and visited him regularly, I struggled with watching him age before my eyes and melt down to a frail, skeletal version of his once-healthy self. He unfortunately passed away before I really had a chance to say goodbye and tell him how much he’d meant to me.

During challenging moments such as these, we realize just how precious and fleeting our lives really are. We tend to take for granted many of the factors that contribute to our happiness, such as our health, our homes, and our families and friends. In the blink of an eye, our worlds can come crashing down as we come to realize just how weak and defenseless we are against the casualties of time.

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In addition, we frequently feel as though we cannot communicate our pain to others, as the grieving process is not truly honored in our society. After a short amount of time, we are expected to pick ourselves up and carry on with our lives as though nothing had happened. As death is such a taboo subject, others often feel awkward talking to us about our loss, which can leave us feeling cut off from our friends and acquaintances and alone with our suffering.

In other cultures around the world, they have special ceremonies and rituals designed to celebrate the ancestors who have gone before them. They keep them alive in their hearts and souls by dedicating holidays to remember them by. They share stories about the loved ones they have lost, honoring their lives and rejoicing in their passing on to a higher plane. These rituals can be of genuine help in assisting the families and individuals left behind to come to terms with death.

When a loved one dies, we mourn the loss of his or her companionship and presence in our lives, and feel bereft by the void that is left behind. We often regret not having shared with them our deepest feelings or having allowed ourselves to be more open and vulnerable with them. In some cases, we may also be left with unresolved issues if we have not come to terms with our underlying emotions, such as anger or resentment, toward the person who died.

These feelings can continue to haunt us long after the individual’s death, making it difficult in some cases to get on with our lives. This was the case for one of the persons I worked with, a person who harbored considerable hatred toward his father for the abuse that he had suffered at his hands. He grew up feeling unwanted and unlovable and thought that he was somehow to blame for his father’s abusive nature. He was consumed by bitterness for many years after his father’s death, which prevented him from being able to enjoy his life despite having a loving wife and a beautiful home.

His inner world was an ongoing nightmare until he started to gain a new perspective during the therapeutic process by realizing that he had not been to blame for his father’s abusive nature and that he had ended up internalizing many of the same dynamics himself. He came to see that his father probably had his own inner demons to contend with and had unfortunately just been repeating the cycle that likely had been going on for generations in his family.

As his compassion grew, he started to open up his heart to forgiveness. This played a huge role in his ability to heal and let go of the hatred that he had held onto for so long. Paying a visit to his father’s grave was the final ritual that allowed him to let go of his past and to start to move forward again in his life, with a newfound sense of compassion for his own human imperfections as well as those of his father.

Although we have not all grown up in abusive environments, we can all relate to this story on some level, as we have a tendency to carry some anger and hatred toward others regarding unresolved past wounds. These feelings of bitterness prevent us from being able to fully inhabit the present moment, as we ruminate on the pain that we’ve experienced and continually perpetuate our suffering. However, we can never find peace or joy in our lives as long as we are holding onto grudges for past wrongdoings. The resentment we feel ultimately hurts us much more than the person who initially caused us harm. And if the individual we hold a grudge against has died, this can compound our problem, as we tend to internalize this anger, thereby hurting ourselves even more.

Our psychological health therefore depends on our ability to forgive others. But we also have an even greater need to forgive ourselves for our own past transgressions and learn from them the lessons that we were intended to learn in order to move beyond them. Constantly beating ourselves up for something we have done in the past will not change what happened, but it will affect our ability to be happy and to truly love and accept ourselves now.

We are all human beings with imperfections and failings that we can learn from. As we open our hearts and begin to forgive and accept the aspects of ourselves that we have previously judged and rejected, we become more compassionate and loving toward ourselves as well as others. We learn to truly live our lives fully, rather than just surviving or waiting for a misfortune to hit us. We experience grief and pain, but we also become able to love with all our hearts. We start to drink deeply from the well of compassion that nourishes all who draw near and connects us on a deep level—the level of our own humanity.

I don’t buy it, the fade-away stuff. I might go for burnout, considering that your kid just finished college, which implies many years of concerned parenting, but really, I have to say that you sound very successful—together with your wife you have created a solid marriage and seen your child graduate from UCLA. You must be doing something right, and I urge you to pat yourself on your back; you deserve it. I have the feeling you’ve been working hard for your family—long, hard work can lead to burnout—and now might be the time to take stock and then use some of that energy for yourself. You have completed an important life chapter. It’s time to turn the page and start another.

You wonder if you are having a midlife crisis, but I wonder what that means, exactly. Boredom? Dissatisfaction with where you are in the world at this particular point in time? You’ve never felt that before? Maybe you’re just tired out, finished with some things, and ready to start some new ones.

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Turning your attention to yourself is a challenge. Maybe you’d like to improve or make changes in your career, your marriage, or your health choices. Analyzing how to go about any of this, discussing different opportunities with your wife, can be rewarding. You can figure out what’s really important to both of you, your goals, and the steps you need to take to achieve them.

Perhaps you are having a “midlife crisis,” or perhaps you’re simply depressed. I recommend that you speak with a therapist to rule out dysthymia, a chronic depressive state characterized in part by feelings of hopelessness, ongoing negative beliefs, and a lack of energy for or interest in things you once enjoyed. Having a check-up with a physician is also a good idea. At 48, hormonal changes could account for a lack of zest and enthusiasm.

Whatever the case, it does sound like the spice has gone out of your life. Work. Dinner, TV, dog, bed. Boring. People in their forties or fifties often define their dissatisfactions, if they are feeling them, as age related. At the very least, unhappiness is heightened because you feel like time is running short. Your life is nearly half over, as you write. You feel internal energic changes, or see your parents aging or perhaps passing. I think it’s time for the next big thing.

People can lose their zest at any age. My prescription for people who feel that they live boring lives is to look around a bit and simply do something different. What are your dreams? What are the things you like to do?

I don’t know you, what your tastes and dreams are, but maybe you could fantasize a bit, or imagine doing your favorite things, then talk to your wife about them—she might have ideas, too—and then spin some of them out together, if they have mutual appeal.

If she is not interested in doing the same things that you are, so what? Who says you have to do everything together? Many couples have different interests, and that difference can in itself be spicy and stimulating. Doing everything together all the time doesn’t appeal to everyone. A little distance can make for a better relationship.

Also, who do you know whose life seems ideal? You might ask yourself who you look up to or even envy. That can be a clue, a signal for something you might do on your own or get for yourself—your own version, of course, not a copycat imitation.

I wonder, also, if you’re not maybe a little afraid to strike out in a different direction, and whether fear is preventing you from living as you would like. All change is scary, but it’s exciting, too.

The way I see it, you’re a guy in your late forties, and the world is as open as you are. It’s a big world, too, so get started.

All my best,
Lynn

Important Notice

GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.