Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I’m reaching out partly at the insistence of a few friends, who all seem to be worried about me and my antisocial habits. I guess the problem, as they see it, is I don’t go out and party like a “normal” person. You’d definitely call me an introvert. I’m friendly enough sometimes, but I’m also the roommate who slinks back to my room instead of engaging in prolonged interaction with my housemates. I prefer writing to board games, and Netflix to house parties. I spend a ton of time online and mostly interact with online friends. I do have a few close friends I’ve kept (or who’ve kept me) after college and various jobs I’ve had, and I enjoy their company. We occasionally do activities together like hiking or movie nights, but I can’t really handle large groups or loud noise. And those events only happen a couple times a month … or I only join in that often.

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So the rest of the time, I get told I should have more of a life, should go out more, should be more social. The problem is, I’m a bit worried too. I don’t want to force myself to make small talk with people, but it seems like that’s how you’re supposed to get ahead in life, in a career, or in both. I worry that I lucked out with the friends I do have, and won’t be able to make more.

I’m not unhappy as it is, but I’m tired of feeling guilty for declining social events and doing things that feel better to me. Are humans supposed to be more social? How much does my mental health depend on social interaction and events? And do I need therapy for social anxiety? —Going Solo

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Dear Solo,

Thank you for writing. Thank goodness, also, for the introverts of the world; can you imagine a world full of nothing but extroverts? Sounds like a reality TV show on steroids.

Your letter is interesting in that it seems as though others in your life find your social preferences problematic, while you for the most part sound okay with them. Who are these others who “insist” you reach out? And why are they insisting you come out and play? Do their “protests” seem one-sided/out of self-interest? Or is there a part of you that wants to be more socially engaged but is hesitant? It is hard to tell if they are being empathically supportive or a pain in the … well, neck.

I take it you are not long out of college, as it is mostly twenty-somethings who place such an emphasis on partying, as these friends seem to. Not having sufficient “party habits” is not something to worry about. In a way, the “party” is about dealing with the anxiety of transitioning into the big, bad world of adulthood; sooner or later, the party is over. I work with people for whom the party never ends, and they end up struggling to get clean and sober as a result. Perhaps your choices will look prescient and mature in a few short years.

At the same time, it sounds as if this is has stirred some internal conflict, or you wouldn’t have written. I would also add that you do sound socially active to a degree and not “shut in.” The ability to maintain close friendships is an admirable skill.

Do your social preferences affect your work presently? It strikes me that you are able to socially engage, meaning you could do so if a profession required it, but you prefer not to as it is as not as enjoyable—or, perhaps, safe?

I must confess, however, I detect a strain of … something … in your letter—sadness, perhaps, or confusion, or some/none of the above. I can’t tell if it’s due to others’ apparent view of your choices or something else, such as a strain of isolation.

Which leads me to this question: Is there something emotionally undesirable or unsafe or un-fun about joining others live and in person, as opposed to online? I say this as you mention “a ton” of online activity.

Some might genuinely not know how to answer that. Here’s a constructive way to process not-so-comfortable feelings, which many of us would rather avoid. You can try this alone, with a supportive friend, or even with a counselor: Next time you get told to “get out more and join the party,” pay attention to what you’re feeling inside. Do you feel guilt? Shame? Anger? Anxiety? Some/none of the above? It may help to identify body sensations—if they are tense or knotty, and so on. Try to identify these feelings as best you can.

Assuming “social anxiety” is a diagnosis—and I personally have a lot of ambivalence about such labels and diagnoses, since they often hurt more than help—I would say everyone experiences some degree of it. So try not to get hung up on such labels; if there is anxiety there, it exists on a spectrum and, based on your letter, does not appear to be “severe” or acute. You sound like you’re doing fine on the whole, and the issue is more subtle than extreme.

Next, try to recall earlier times you felt such emotions and within what context they arose. Did this happen in college? High school? Earlier?

Another question I would ask: Were you ever asked to join in group or family events, in the past, toward which you were not particularly enthused, even dreading? Were you made to feel guilty or bad for having these feelings?

Again, you mention you spend “a ton” of time online. This is not the forum to debate the pros and cons of online socializing, but since you mention it, I wonder what it is that feels more enticing or safe or preferable about online versus in-person activity. As a therapist and Gen Xer, my perspective is biased in that I have come to value face-to-face interaction over online socializing, for the most part. While there are friends whose distance makes this impossible, at the end of the day, online exchanges feel somewhat empty to me, not as enriching or colorful as being together in the same space. This is not the case with everyone, however.

One could write a book about the phenomenon of online socializing (and some already have); my basic theme here is to reflect on what is going on in your own psychological experiencing, and begin to understand your truth, to see where you feel comfortable as things are, and where you might—if you choose—want to explore further or try new things. We all have what psychologists call our “growing edge.” It is not a bad thing to nudge ourselves out of our comfort zones, at least a little, with some regularity.

Finally, assuming “social anxiety” is a diagnosis—and I personally have a lot of ambivalence about such labels and diagnoses, since they often hurt more than help—I would say everyone experiences some degree of it. So try not to get hung up on such labels; if there is anxiety there, it exists on a spectrum and, based on your letter, does not appear to be “severe” or acute. You sound like you’re doing fine on the whole, and the issue is more subtle than extreme.

There might, however, be some twinge of concern about your experience with other people and what it brings up, and so a discussion with a counselor could help, if only to satiate your curiosity and uncover whatever this possible conflict is about. Though from what I can tell, it sounds as though your fears are more future-based and concerned with “what if” than anything tangible now, besides the possible disapproval of others. But others’ disapproval may be inevitable for those who want to march to the beat of their own drum. Unless that itself is the issue that gnaws at you.

In the meantime, it sounds like you have a core of reliable friends, and in the long run that’s really all you need. I would be curious to hear more about a possible note of sadness or quiet discontent in your letter, if that is indeed what I’m detecting.

Thanks again for writing!

Kind regards,

Darren

When you come home at the end of a workday, do you notice a difference in how the evening goes depending on how you and your partner greet each other? Similarly, do you notice any patterns in the outcome of an argument with your partner based on how the issue is presented? Those first few minutes can have a terrific impact on how the rest of that exchange, and the next several hours, may go, and may ultimately set up your relationship for success or failure.

The First 4 Minutes Together

Imagine walking in the door to your partner handing you a stack of bills and then turning to a household chore while they tell you the oil light in the car is on again, the dentist says one of the children needs braces, and an extended family member you do not look forward to seeing is visiting next week. Or worse, your partner greets you by telling you all the ways you disappoint them.

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Now imagine walking in the door, seeking out your partner wherever they are, and—before discussing the latest family news or obligations—taking a few minutes to sit close while you both talk about how good it is to see each other and how you are glad to be sharing life together. Or better, add a few kisses and hugs to the greeting.

Begin each day with some kind words to each other. In the evening, whoever gets home last is to find the other person. Focus total, positive attention on each other for at least 4 minutes. At the end of the experiment, consider how you feel about each other and yourselves.

Zunin and Zunin (1972) believe the first 4 minutes when a couple awaken together, and the first 4 minutes after returning to each other at the end the workday, are critical to the success or failure of the partnership. If, for example, a couple begins each day with complaining, listing the trivial tasks to accomplish that day, or insisting one partner cannot talk to the other until after the third cup of coffee, this sets a negative tone for the day that over time erodes the warm, loving feelings between the couple. If, on the other hand, the morning’s opening minutes are spent on something mutually pleasurable, such as caressing or rubbing a partner’s back or neck while gently saying, “Good morning,” it reinforces the foundation of the partnership.

Zunin and Zunin (1972) also believe the 4 minutes when many couples meet at the end of a workday are an opportunity to renew the most gratifying feelings they have for each other. As an experiment, try this with your partner by talking about what would help you each feel more connected. Begin each day with some kind words to each other. In the evening, whoever gets home last is to find the other person. Focus total, positive attention on each other for at least 4 minutes. At the end of the experiment, consider how you feel about each other and yourselves.

Couples who have less aligned work schedules may need to be more creative. Those who work vastly different schedules, such as one works days and the other nights, may schedule a few minutes when they pass each other at home. Similarly, couples including a partner who travels a majority of the time may want to select an appointed time to talk for a few minutes, and stick to a plan to spend the first few minutes renewing positive feelings for each other.

The First 3 Minutes of Conflict

How important are the first few minutes of a conflict with your partner? In one of the many studies on couples performed by The Gottman Institute, Carrére and Gottman (1999) observed 124 newlywed couples, married for the first time for less than six months, to learn if it was possible to predict divorce or marital stability based on how a couple interacted in a conflict. The couples were video recorded while participating in a marital interaction session in which they were asked to discuss a marital issue that was ongoing along with two recall sessions in which the couple viewed their initial session. The couples completed questionnaires and were followed up with annually for between four and six years.

The results were fascinating. Using quantitative data of the couples’ affect, it was possible to predict whether the couples would divorce or remain married by observing just the first 3 minutes of interaction in conflict. If, for example, issues were introduced as complaints about a specific behavior, the receiving partner was less likely to respond defensively or negatively, and the couple was more likely to report marital stability years later. If, on the other hand, issues were presented with criticism of the partner that suggested the partner is bad or wrong in some way, the couple was more likely to divorce.

What This All Means

While the entire interaction with a partner matters, the first few minutes can be crucial. By allocating a few minutes at critical times in your day to let your partner know you are on their side, and by being more thoughtful about how you present concerns, it is possible to create a more loving, lasting bond.

References:

1. Carrére, S. and Gottman, J. M. (1999). Predicting divorce among newlyweds from the first three minutes of a marital conflict discussion. Family Process, 38(3). Retrieved from http://www.johngottman.net/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/Predicting-Divorce-among-Newlyweds-from-the-First-Three-Minutes-of-a-Marital-Conflict-Discussion.pdf
2. Zunin, L. & Zunin, N. (1972). Contact: The first four minutes. New York, NY: Ballantine Books.

When I was in high school, my best friend’s mom made no secret of her worries about us driving, going to parties, meeting new teens she didn’t know, and staying out late. But she felt confident in our ability to navigate the temptations of risky teenage behavior because, in her words, “You have good friends.”

She was right to assert that our solid, trusting relationships with each other were protective, certainly for our physical safety. But as a therapist, I can see now that another aspect of our bonds played a significant and lifelong role in our emotional safety as well. We encouraged one another to take some risks and scale our actions back when necessary; we showed up for one another when we were needed and supported each other when we were down.

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The life lessons of those years, and in many cases the friendships, have withstood the trials of distance, careers, children, marriages, and, yes, other friendships. Whether you have enjoyed positive friendships in your life or not, it is never too late to examine if and in what way your friendships, or your friendship, are lacking and could use attention. While it may seem glaringly obvious that we need trustworthy and reliable friends in order to thrive, here are six common types of friendships that can undermine your efforts to enjoy those friendly bonds and negatively impact your emotional well-being:

1. The Toxic Friendship

Friendships go through ups and downs, as any relationship does in life. Sometimes we find ourselves in situations where we feel a certain tension or friction in a friendship. That is normal, and through time and solid communication you can often work through those uncomfortable periods.

But that’s different from a friendship that consistently leaves you in a negative state. If you regularly hang out with a friend or group of friends and notice you do not feel energized either in their presence or once you leave them, that is a sign you may need to examine the friendship and your role in the dynamic.

2. The Slippery Friendship

We have all had these friends, and maybe you have even been that person sometimes. It’s natural to suggest to someone you like, “Hey, let’s get together sometime!” But the slippery friend is tough to pin down for an actual date. You may have a plan for Friday night, but on Friday afternoon they bail on you because something more interesting came up.

If you make a plan with someone and they repeatedly cancel at the last minute or make no effort to reschedule, that may be revealing about the nature and quality of the friendship.

3. The Ghost Friendship

Some friends may be good day-to-day buddies, some are terrific in a crisis, and some you don’t see often because of time or distance but know you can count on them to show up for you if and when you need them. Unfortunately, we don’t often know in which camp our friends belong until that moment arises.

It can be hurtful when you reach out to someone expecting them to respond and they are silent. It doesn’t necessarily mean they can’t be a good friend, but it may mean you need to either have a talk with them or consider reevaluating to what extent you can rely on them.

4. The Self-Loathing Friendship

As inherently social beings, we can’t help but be influenced by those around us. So if you surround yourself with the company of people with positive outlooks, you may be more likely to regard yourself positively.

The same holds true of the opposite. If you are spending your time and energy with people who don’t like themselves—or, just as bad, who don’t like other people—you may tend to like yourself less. If you are frequently around someone who talks negatively about others, leaving you feeling less happy with yourself, you may be caught up in a self-loathing friendship loop.

5. The Wet-Blanket Friendship

When you are hedging on a risky move in life that could pay off but also may have a disappointing result, such as considering a career change or taking a big step for your health or finances that feels scary but exciting, sometimes our unconscious defense to protect ourselves from that risk is to reach for our nearest wet-blanket friend.

This is the person who will tell you all the things that could go wrong and why you shouldn’t bother, leaving you feeling deflated and your parade drenched in rain. You don’t need to shun your wet-blanket friend, but you should be aware that your friend is stuck, and would rather have your company in Stuckville than see you move forward without them.

6. The Placating Friendship

On the flip side of the wet-blanket friendship is the placating one. While you don’t want your friendships to constantly kill your life buzz and shoot down your ideas, you also need people in your life who are going to tell you the truth as they see it.

While you don’t want your friendships to constantly kill your life buzz and shoot down your ideas, you also need people in your life who are going to tell you the truth as they see it.

As long as the feedback is kind, sensitive, and truly in your best interest, you can still come away feeling good about your decisions or the options ahead of you. If you sense that your friend would not meet you with nothing-but-the-truth sincerity, it’s good to ask yourself what role that friendship is playing in your life, and adjust how much sway that person’s feedback has on you accordingly.

Healthy friendship seems like a simple transaction, but the reality can be complicated, especially as we grow and our emotional needs change over the course of our lives. There will be times when we cannot be the best friends we could or should have been to those we care about. But it is important to keep in mind what is most important about friendships, especially if you are feeling like the “friend” area of your life is lacking. Friends should be reliable, trusting, caring, and honest.

And when you do click with a good friend, remember the wise words of William Shakespeare: “Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried, Grapple them unto thy soul with hoops of steel.”

Good self-care is a rich package involving more than just getting enough sleep. Self-care involves taking care of yourself both within the context of your helping relationships and in your life outside your work.

The primary question is: What does it take for me to show up for the people I help in a way I feel good about? Give yourself an opportunity to look at your self-care personally and within the therapeutic relationship. Rate yourself in the following areas on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 meaning you are very good at this aspect of self-care.

Balance

1. Maintaining an appropriate workload
2. Creating diversity of expressive, recreational, and spiritual activities
3. Developing the ability to both savor and serve
4. Setting a high priority on self-care
5. Attending to your inner balance

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Rest

6. Getting enough rest and retreat time
7. Planning ahead for times of renewal
8. Allowing for goof-off time
9. Getting adequate physical exercise
10. Being kind and compassionate toward yourself

Satisfaction

11. Approaching people you help with an attitude of curiosity—savoring and being nourished by their essential qualities; feeling gratitude
12. Appreciating the value and importance of your professional offerings
13. Finding novelty in daily routine and resting in the ease of familiar skillfulness
14. Feeling a sense of inner satisfaction and pleasure in your work
15. Staying in touch with your desire and vision for service

Support

16. Using supervision and personal support
17. Keeping appropriate records, disclosure forms, and malpractice insurance
18. Knowing, accepting, and accommodating for your limitations
19. Seeking and using feedback
20. Accessing continuing education that is inspiring, informative, and stimulating

Here’s a little more background on some of the items listed in the self-assessment above:

3. Serving and Savoring

The following quote from E. B. White got me to thinking: “I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve (or save) the world and a desire to enjoy (or savor) the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.” Spending some time walking from one pole to the other in my living room, I became clear that, of course, the choice is not between one or the other—saving or savoring—but finding service in savoring and savoring in service. Taken to an extreme, savoring becomes an ineffective and flat self-indulgence, and taken to the other extreme, serving becomes a desperate and burned-out saving the world. Finding ways to savor—your experiences, beauty, integrity—while you are serving will add richness, nourishment, and satisfaction to your experience of service; and finding ways to serve will add meaning and depth to your appreciation of life.

4. Self-Care as a Priority

A student puts it this way: “I just didn’t get the ethics of this until now. Self-care never even got on my priority list. It was like a luxury or a reward for overworking. Now I understand how my lack of self-care seriously disrupts my ability to be present with my clients. So my question is going to be, ‘What does it take for me to show up for my clients in a way that I feel good about?’ For me, at the most basic level, that means having gotten enough sleep, exercise, and meditation.”

10. Being Kind and Compassionate Toward Yourself

Secondary traumatic stress refers to the traumatic stress that can be experienced by caregivers as they work with people in pain and suffering. Sometimes this is referred to as compassion fatigue. It is often unrecognized and under-attended. B. Hudnell Stamm writes: “Secondary traumatic stress makes [a demand] on us: to depart from believing in the illusion that we are protected from other’s pain by scientific postures and our ‘white coats.’ I would not suggest that we leave objectivity behind, but that we recognize that our personal passions drive our desires to do this work and our training and good supervision—of our clinical work, or research, or our teaching—helps us keep our balance and objectivity. Objectivity and flintiness are not a guarantee of our training. Nor should they be. The capacity for compassion and empathy seem to be at the core of our ability to do the work and at the core of our ability to be wounded by the work.”

11. Approaching People You Help with an Attitude of Curiosity

Replacing an anxious “having to know everything” with an attitude of curiosity and attention to what is happening can bring more ease and healing receptiveness for both you and the people you help. Ron Kurtz calls savoring “non-egocentric nourishment.” This is the ability to be nourished by the essential qualities of the people you work with in therapy. This is significantly different from ego pleasure of being a good therapist or making a good intervention or having a great insight. It is a kind of ordinary and transcendent nourishment. It might start with the enjoyment of curiosity and discovery. It might come through seeing the vulnerability or suffering of the other. You are searching for the universal, for the grace and beauty, for some essential good you can see in a person and finding some way you can start to let that fill you up. The people you help will feel your delight and appreciation, and not only will you feel more satisfied and less tired, but your practice will be helping people learn more self-compassion and appreciation.

16. Asking for Support

For helping professionals, asking for help is often felt as a sign of weakness or inadequacy. Think of asking for help as an art. As a colleague said, “Be efficient with your needs. Tell people what you need. Teach people how to leave you alone if they are bugging you. Teach people how to please you if they are taking advantage of you. Teaching can be kind and gentle. The point is to make your needs known in a way they can be met.” When you ask for help and the answer is “no,” ask the person, “If you can’t do this, what could you do?” or, “What part of what I am asking for could you do?” When others ask you for help, practice responding with what, however small, you CAN do, rather than pained excuses for what you can’t do.

18. Knowing Your Limitations

Most often the focus of personal development is on improving in areas of weakness. This is one part of becoming more skillful. But there is another half of skillfulness: accepting and accommodating to limitations. Limitations are important. We all have them. If you are not good at remembering details, it may be more skillful to take time to make clear notes after a session rather than trying to remember things better and getting upset when you don’t. If you know you have a hard time with time boundaries, it may be more skillful to accept this and tell the people you help that you are setting your watch for 10 minutes before the end of the session so it will beep as a reminder to both of you of the time boundary, rather than stressing about going over time.

Once you complete your own personal assessment of how you are doing with your self-care package, I recommend acknowledging the ways you are caring for yourself well. This is a good place to start. Then take a look at the places where you are not doing so well and choose one to three items to make a commitment to improving. Perhaps arrange to check in with someone in a few weeks. The people you help will be all the better for your attention to self-care. Plus, you will likely be happier.

Reference:

Hudnall Stamm, B. (1995). Secondary Traumatic Stress: Self-Care Issues for Clinicians, Researchers and Educators, Preface, p. 1. Brooklandville, MD: Sidran Press.

The information age has rapidly changed how we conduct ourselves in business, education, and in general human interaction.

Advances such as email, instant messaging, and social media were all created to make communication easier and more convenient. Families and friends across great distances can now more easily communicate face-to-face anytime they want. Dating sites successfully match thousands of soon-to-be spouses each year, and parents can more easily keep in touch with their children throughout the day.

However, as society adapts to these fresh avenues of contact, there are also ways new technology threatens to strip away important aspects of how people relate and connect on a personal level. This can be especially true in our most intimate relationships.

Here are three areas in which technology may negatively impact relationships:

1. Intimacy

Intimate relationships often have their own challenges, and changing technologies can contribute even more to the stress of modern relationships. Sometimes, the ways people use technology can create problems between romantic partners, potentially stirring conflict and dissatisfaction in the relationship.

A 2014 Pew Research Center poll indicated that one in four cell phone owners in a relationship or marriage found their partner too distracted by their cell phone. Nearly 1 in 10 had argued with a partner about excessive time spent on the devices. The poll noted that many arguments between couples may have something to do with tech use, such as deciding when to use devices and when to abstain. They also found that younger users were more likely to report both increased tension and enhanced closeness in their relationships as a result of technology.

[fat_widget_right]Technology is also changing some of the most intimate ways in which couples connect. Sexting—sending someone text messages containing explicit sexual content—has increased among adults since 2012, with one in five cell users having received a sext from someone they know—a one-third increase in four years.

2. Distraction

Technology can be an effective distraction in the current moment, over a long period of time, and even in its absence. According to a 2015 poll of 453 adults across the United States, nearly half of all respondents reported being distracted by their phones in the presence of a romantic partner.

Those moments spent focused on technology can quickly add up to a sizable portion of a person’s waking hours. The same allotment of time that just a few years ago might have been considered an online addiction is now commonplace in smartphone use, especially among younger users. It represents a shift in how people spend their time and where they focus their energy.

Technology can also be a distraction when it is not in use. When briefly disconnected from their smartphones in a 2014 study, self-described heavy users indicated having higher anxiety levels than moderate users after just 10 minutes.

3. Depression

Heavy use of social media has also been shown to negatively affect mental health. A recent study from the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine examined depression rates in younger adults, finding significantly increased odds of depression among those spending the most time engaged in social media.

Looking specifically at only personal social media activity, they concluded that heavy use was significantly associated with increased depression and highlighted the importance of identifying interventions for heavy social media users before they experience any mental health issues.

The report also notes that multiple studies have linked social media use with declines in mood, sense of well-being, and life satisfaction. These declines could be related to FOMO, or the fear of missing out, which studies have shown is often exacerbated by social media use.

Syncing Up by Powering Down

According to Ohio counselor Jessica Wade, MAMFT, LPCC, the emotional connections forged by couples through body language, nonverbal communication, tone of voice, and facial expression are essential to the relationship and impossible to replicate with technology.

“Overreliance on technology might cause misunderstandings, and partners lose the opportunity to make those immediate relationship repair attempts that happen in the moment during in-person communication,” Wade said.

The benefits of technology reside in an ability to elevate the human experience, but experts advise use of new devices and platforms should be grounded in perspective of how the new technology has the power to change communication and the way people relate to one another.Experts recommend finding alternatives for curtailing technology’s potential downsides. To break the cycle, the first step may be to temper, or significantly reduce, how much time is spent focused on devices, apps, and messaging services.

Finding time to consistently detach may require penciling it in on a daily schedule. Allotting non-use times (such as during dinner or date night) can help reground partners in their relationship or individuals to their surroundings.

Many individuals, couples, and families have sought therapy when technology overtakes other priorities. Experts also advise improving communication skills whenever possible—something technology can actively disrupt. In a time when emails and text messages have replaced other methods of communicating, the manner and skill with which people express themselves can become less robust and more mechanical.

Studies have also found significant value in spending as much time in nature as possible. One study by Dutch researchers found lower levels of anxiety and depression among people living within 0.6 miles of a park or wooded space.

The benefits of technology reside in an ability to elevate the human experience, but experts advise use of new devices and platforms should be grounded in perspective of how the new technology has the power to change communication and the way people relate to one another. Identifying ways to use these new inventions successfully—without cheating yourself out of genuine human connection in the process—may ultimately require more low-tech solutions.

References:

1. Cheever, N. A., Rosen, L. D., Carrier, L. M., & Chavez, A. (2014). Out of sight is not out of mind: The impact of restricting wireless mobile device use on anxiety levels among low, moderate and high users. Computers in Human Behavior, 37, 290-297. doi:10.1016/j.chb.2014.05.002
2. Gardner, A. (2009, October 15). Being near nature improves physical, mental health. Retrieved from http://usatoday30.usatoday.com/news/health/2009-10-15-nature-anxiety-exercise_N.htm
3. Lenhart, A., & Duggan, M. (2014). Couples, the internet, and social media. Retrieved from http://www.pewinternet.org/2014/02/11/couples-the-internet-and-social-media/
4. Lin, L. Y., Sidani, J. E., Shensa, A., Radovic, A., Miller, E., Colditz, J. B., . . . Primack, B. A. (2016, January 19). Association between social media use and depression in U.S. young adults. Depression and Anxiety, 33(4), 323-331. doi:10.1002/da.22466
5. Penn, C. (2015, October 5). Stop “pphubbing”: New research shows what happens when you focus more on your phone than your lover. Retrieved from http://www.essence.com/2015/10/05/stop-pphubbing-new-research-cell-phones-relationship

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

Sleep is supposed to be restful, right? For a few years now, my nights have been anything but. I wake up exhausted because my dreams are more tiring than being awake. They typically involve a chase of some sort, sometimes by car or boat, but usually on foot. It always feels like I’m trying to move in mud, or like there are invisible arms holding me back when I try to run, and I can never get anywhere as fast as I think I can. When I try to shout in a dream, my voice comes out muffled and restrained. Very often, water is a prominent feature in my dreams—enormous pools, open seas, or floods.

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These dreams are becoming more and more violent, too. Though I almost never die in my dreams, the situation occasionally comes close. I find myself encountering and using weapons I’ve never even touched in real life, let alone used against someone. But my dreams present scenarios in which I must fight for my life, sometimes to the death. 

I am not a violent person, and the thought of killing someone, even in my dreams, horrifies me. I do feel stressed quite a bit in life, and I imagine that’s a big factor in my dreams. But it’s not like I’m encountering life-or-death scenarios or anything. My life is not filled with violence. I have never been to war. I do not play, and never have played, violent video games. Sometimes I watch scary movies or TV shows, but even those don’t fill me with the kind of terror I experience in my dreams. 

I’m growing weary of the trauma of dodging bullets in my dream life. I’ll take any hint or suggestion for how to calm my dream state, whether it’s to eat more leafy green vegetables or stop wearing socks. —Wildest Dreams

Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist

Dear Wildest Dreams,

First of all, thank you for reaching out. I have much compassion for people experiencing nightmares, especially because our brains and bodies physiologically react as if the experience is happening in waking life. Losing sleep also affects memory, everyday responses, and overall health. The good news is nightmares are normal part of human development and are often exaggerated so we may remember them. Dream pioneer Jeremy Taylor writes, “All dreams speak a universal language and come in the service of health and wholeness. There is no such thing as a ‘bad dream’—only dreams that sometimes take a dramatically negative form in order to grab our attention.” In other words, nightmares are a healthy way for us to work through whatever life-changing event or deep internal changes we are going through so we can tend to their messages. Once we face our fears, become engaged with the emotions, and tend to the dream material, we can “transform the energy.”

Take comfort in knowing that when we remember a dream, it means we can do something about it.

Here are some thoughts on the particular themes in your dreams that might shed some light on what may be going on in your waking life. It is important to note that although humans share a “collective memory,” we are also individuals. To truly engage fully with a dream, one must be mindful of these nuances, including personal associations, experiences, and emotional content.

Take comfort in knowing that when we remember a dream, it means we can do something about it.

Chased or Attacked by Someone or Something

The “chase” dream is a common one, especially with women who feel particularly vulnerable in waking life. Often the dreamer is being chased by an ominous being (or beings), which could be anything from “the dark figure” with no recognizable features to monstrous entities such as dinosaurs or zombies. It is important to note who or what is doing the chasing, paying close attentions to the characteristics. Who are you killing? What types of weapons are you using? If it is a vampire, are you dealing with lifeless bloodsucking energy in your life? Perhaps there are parts or patterns that need “killing off” in terms of character traits/people/situations/habits in your life that are no longer working for you. 

Feeling of Paralysis or Heaviness

These types of dreams are common because there is an actual physiological paralysis that occurs naturally during the REM (rapid eye movement) stage in sleep so the dreamer does not physically act out dreams (and hurt somebody!). Sometimes this state might seep into dreams as the condition of not being able to walk, run, or move, especially when in danger. It could also be a symbol of feeling helpless or stuck in a situation in waking life. 

Water in Dreams

The big wave, pool, or flood in a dream is pretty common, and it often indicates either some emotional overwhelm in the dreamer’s waking life or “big material” coming out of the unconscious. Am I feeling overwhelmed? Am I not tending to my emotions? 

Recurring Nightmares and Emotions

You mentioned the nightmares began years ago. I would explore if there was any particular event that happened when the nightmares began. One of the main symptoms of trauma is the affliction of frequent or recurring nightmares.

In my experience as a therapist specializing in dreams, I have noticed that the more engaged a person is in the healing work, the deeper the healing that can take place. This includes getting support from a professional who is trained in working with nightmares and dream analysis.

Warm regards,

Linda

Don’t let my youthful face fool you—I’m a few years older than Taylor Swift. (No, I’m not telling you how many years older. How rude of you to ask! We just met.) Nonetheless, the iconic pop star has several lessons those from every generation—millennials to boomers—could stand to learn, even if you are not a Swiftie or are repelled by the idea of becoming one. (I must confess, though, life on the Swiftie side really is delightful!)

Life Lesson No. 1

“Don’t let other people’s opinions of you define you, especially when they don’t know you.”

I’m taking this quote directly from Taylor when she performed at the Staples Center in Los Angeles. Well said, Taylor.

How many times have you worried about other people’s opinions of you? How has that worry held you back? What might you have achieved or accomplished if you had been able to let go of that worry? Could you have felt better about yourself?

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One thing I’ve learned in life is that, the majority of the time, people are focused on themselves—so much so they probably have no clue what you’re doing. And if they did, they would likely be more concerned about what you thought about what they thought of you! (Are you still with me?)

Life Lesson No. 2

Your 20s are both “miserable and magical” and a time to feel “happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time.”

As a psychologist, I provide therapy to adults of all ages, from every decade of life from the 20s to the 80s. Each decade has common challenges. Yet, for those in their 20s, it can be a landmine of obstacles. For many, the 20s are a time when nearly everything in life is up in the air, sometimes all at once.

Young adults often question what they should do for a living, who they should date (perhaps exploring or questioning their sexuality), where they should live, even who they feel they truly are. These concerns don’t magically or mysteriously resolve the day you turn 30. However, as people move through their 20s, they often find some grounding in these various areas that can be built upon in future decades. In the interim, the vast selection and possibilities can feel liberating, scary, or even isolating. Any unpleasant feelings can be exacerbated by people aged 30 and over who act dismissive, telling those in their 20s they have no problems because they are young. Maybe they had so much fun in their 20s they can’t remember the associated and occasional angst. For their sake, I hope that’s the case.

Life Lesson No. 3

When you drown, you can ironically begin to breathe.

It’s hard for me to imagine that concert-goers under age 10 could understand the lyrics, “When I was drowning/that’s when I could finally breathe.” For me, I associate this song (“Clean”) and its lyrics with the occasional importance of hitting bottom, or at least getting close. It is often only when you hit bottom that you realize you can float, or essentially discover how resilient you really are.

As humans, we typically do all we can to avoid emotional pain. But people die, get divorced, get fired from jobs, and go through countless other forms of adversity. And the only option is to keep going forward, even if you take some time to grieve and retreat, because you must come out the other side. When you do, you will realize you are stronger than you think.

Life Lesson No. 4

Players gonna play, haters gonna hate, heartbreakers gonna break, and fakers gonna fake.

When you run into these characters, try to do like Taylor and “shake it off.” This is related to life lesson No. 1—not letting others define you. Believe people when they show you who they are. Don’t let others throw you off your game.

I often advise people in therapy to keep their eyes on their own lane. Just as when driving, if you focus on someone else’s life or drama, you may get hurt in a crash or start driving to someone else’s destination.

Life Lesson No. 5

Always take the high road, even when others don’t (ahem, Kanye).

This life lesson can be learned anytime Taylor must interact with Kanye West or his crew. Few of us will ever forget the infamous 2009 MTV Video Music Awards, when Kanye rudely interrupted Taylor’s acceptance speech for Best Female Video. And we won’t soon forget the recent lyrics Kanye wrote about Taylor, the video he made, and the subsequent reactions on social media.

It doesn’t seem to matter who throws shade her way; her responses, whether in an acceptance speech or in a tweet, always seem to reflect maturity and integrity. I don’t know how she maintains such composure, but it’s impressive. I know what I wanted to say to Kanye, but Taylor never went there. She rose above.

Life Lesson No. 6

Make art out of your pain.

Some of Taylor’s best work emerged from times of what seemed like significant pain. Figure out how you can work with your pain and sadness to create something amazing or healing. Such an approach could transform your life.

In my practice, I call this a “tragic gift.” This relates to life lesson No. 3—when you drown, you can ironically begin to breathe.

I could write about several more life lessons I’ve learned from Taylor Swift, including investing in and supporting your friends, standing up for what you feel is right, being able to laugh at yourself, and giving back to your community. But you get the idea. Despite Taylor’s relatively young age, there is much we can learn from her. One of my favorite lessons is you can be a woman and be powerful, beautiful, and intelligent. Thank you, Taylor!

Emotional incest, also known as covert incest, is a dynamic that occurs in parenting where the parent seeks emotional support through their child that should be sought through an adult relationship. Although the effects of emotional incest can be similar to those resulting from physical incest, the term does not encompass sexual abuse.

Many times when I am working with people in therapy who are developmentally stuck, they end up sharing that, as children, they were the person their parent turned to as a confidant or for emotional support. Children put in this position may feel special or privileged because the parent is sharing adult information with them and/or is looking to them for support, creating a sense of closeness. However, given that the child’s needs are ignored in favor of the parent’s, there can be devastating long-term developmental consequences.

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Clearly, it is desirable for parents and their children to be close. However, in healthy parent-child relationships, parents prioritize their children’s emotional needs as opposed to children taking care of the parent’s emotional needs. When children are put in the position of meeting the emotional needs of a parent, it creates an unhealthy dynamic in which children essentially become the parents. The children are emotionally abandoned, in effect robbing them of their childhood.

It is important to note that, in most cases, parents who foster a dynamic of emotional incest do not realize the impact of their behavior and do not intend to hurt their children. But the impact and the hurt are there all the same.

Most often, emotional incest occurs when an adult marriage or relationship is fragile, a parent is lonely, or there is a broken family dynamic such as infidelity, mental health conditions, or addiction. One or both parents may seek to get their emotional needs met through the child instead of seeking support from adults. Sometimes a parent will undermine the other parent during an argument or separation/divorce proceedings by putting children in the middle or colluding with a child, which increases the level of the parent’s dependency on the child. The child, in turn, may become concerned about having to take sides or protect a parent.

It is important to note that, in most cases, parents who foster a dynamic of emotional incest do not realize the impact of their behavior and do not intend to hurt their children. But the impact and the hurt are there all the same.

The Impact of Emotional Incest

Children who have experienced emotional incest may have great difficulty setting boundaries and getting their needs met as adults without feelings of excessive guilt. In addition, their relationship with their gender and sexuality can greatly inhibit their ability to maintain intimacy in adult partnerships.

Emotional incest can create an unhealthy sense of loyalty or obligation to a parent, which can result in a love/hate relationship between children and parents. Additionally, substance abuse, feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, and compulsivity around work, sex, and food are all potential outcomes.

Emotional incest also can impact the family dynamic as a whole. One partner typically experiences being shut out and may be denied opportunities for parent-child bonding. Additionally, other children may be neglected as the parent leans heavily on the “chosen child.”

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Healing from Emotional Incest

For those who experienced emotional incest as a child, there are several ways to promote healing. They include the following:

• Therapy or counseling: Find a counselor who specializes in childhood abuse, enmeshment, or codependency, and who focuses on the needs of survivors.
• Self-help meetings: Prior to participating in self-help meetings, it is important through the process of individual counseling to gain an understanding of what you are facing as a survivor of emotional incest. Once that happens, self-help meetings can be a valuable adjunct in the recovery process and in sustaining recovery. Self-help meetings that follow the 12-step model can be especially helpful.
• Journaling: Writing about distressing issues and experiences can be especially cathartic while confronting the dynamics of obsessive-compulsive behaviors, which often exist as a result of defense mechanisms created for emotional survival when emotional incest has occurred.
• Psychoeducation: There is a wealth of information and resources available that help educate and increase understanding about emotional incest. Knowledge is power. Gaining an understanding of what has happened and the impact it has on your life and relationships can be healing. One valuable resource for understanding and healing from emotional incest is Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners and When He’s Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment by Dr. Kenneth M. Adams.

References:

1. Adams, K. M. (2011). Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners. Deerfield Beach, FL: HCI Books.
2. Adams, K. M. (2007). When He’s Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment. New York, NY: Touchstone Books.

Editor’s Note: This article contains description of childhood abuse, which may be triggering for some readers.

“I have an image in my mind I can’t seem to get rid of,” I tell Dr. Erickson. “A snapshot of a memory that’s always there, and I can’t stop looking at it.”

His office is dimly lit. On the wall facing me are two pictures of shamans, medicine men who heal spiritually. I had thought a psychiatrist might decorate with pictures from the masters—Van Gogh, Monet, or maybe a classical artist like Michelangelo. Below the shamans, on an end table, is a Kokopelli statue set in a dish of smooth stones. Next to that are two huge bookcases filled with copies of publications from the American Psychiatric Association. At least he seems well-read.

“Are you sure it’s a memory?” He sits near the opposite wall, filing my evaluation form into a folder. Today he’s wearing a shirt and tie. If it weren’t for his long hair and ponytail he would seem every bit a doctor.

“Yes. It’s something the attorneys brought up during the deposition. Something I haven’t thought about in a long time.”

He stares at me and says nothing. I realize he isn’t going to prod. It seems a strange way to communicate, not asking questions.

[fat_widget_right]“When I was nine I told kids at school that I’d seen my father’s penis,” I tell him, “that I’d touched it. Only I didn’t know to call it that. They stared at me in shock. That’s when I realized there was something wrong with what I was doing. You only know what you’re told when you’re a child. I didn’t know that other kids weren’t touching their fathers that way.” I pause. “They stopped playing with me after that.”

He’s quiet for a moment. “That’s the image in your mind?”

“Yes, swinging on the playground, laughing. I remember the looks on their faces when I admitted what I was doing. It was all so … innocent.”

“How does that make you feel?”

How does it make me feel? The memory is so old, almost thirty years have gone by, but it still seems like yesterday. It’s the kind of memory I store in one of those chests at the bottom of my mind, but now I can’t seem to put it back.

“Ashamed, sad, like I’ve done something wrong.”

“Do you feel that in your body?”

Another strange question. The memory is in my head. My emotions are in my head, glued to that image of swinging happily, chattering with my friends and having no idea of the impact of my words. My emotions are not imprinted in my body. But I think about the question anyway because I have so much anxiety these days, a tightness in my stomach that feels like a descending roller coaster. Even my nightly dose of Seroquel isn’t alleviating it.

“In my stomach,” I say.

“Images come forward in your mind to help you get what you want. Your subconscious wants to heal. This is its way of communicating that to you.”

“There’s something for me to learn from this memory?”

[EMDR] is very effective for trauma and posttraumatic stress. Once you process the memory, the picture goes away, along with the emotions associated with it.

He nods. “There’s something called EMDR—eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. It’s a therapy like hypnosis that can help speed the processing of memories. It’s very effective for trauma and posttraumatic stress. Once you process the memory, the picture goes away, along with the emotions associated with it.”

I’d like to get rid of the snapshot memory, and the sadness and shame it brings with it. It was different before; it was a private memory I could easily tuck away. I could convince myself it was a single incident barely worth my energy to consider. But I had admitted it during the deposition; I had exposed my shame to a team of attorneys who simply stared at me, stoic and apathetic. I had mirrored their apathy, determined not to allow them to see my pain. I can still see their unimpressed expressions.

“How do I do that?” I ask Dr. Erickson.

“I move my hand in front of you and you follow it with your eyes as you think about the memory. Emotions will come to the surface. As you process the emotions, they will be released. The memory will lose its emotional charge.”

“Will the image go away then?”

“It should.”

Is that what the memory wants—to be felt? Have I tucked away so much of my life that it stubbornly refuses to be hidden any longer? Or is this just a byproduct of the deposition, the aftermath of stress?

What I know is that the memory bothers me. I don’t like looking at those faces of my schoolmates staring in shock, and the memory of realizing I did something wrong. I don’t like being made to feel bad when the onus should be on someone else. Maybe that’s been the problem; the guilt belongs to someone else and not me.

“Okay,” I say.

“Okay what?”

“Okay, I want to try that. I want the image to go away.”

He moves our chairs closer together, so his left arm will be next to my left arm. We’re sitting side by side, but facing in opposite directions. He lets me sit close to the door so I don’t feel boxed in. “An escape route,” he says. Then he stands back from the chairs like an artist appreciating his work.

I know his deliberate manner is meant to make me feel more comfortable, but his ceremonial style has the opposite effect. I hesitate and glance at the door. Am I going to need an escape route? Do his patients routinely flee the room and he’s learned to anticipate it? Or is this merely a psychological strategy?

I take my seat, knowing that I would rather feel part of the scene than an observer.

Nothing will happen with me standing in place, and if it’s all been set up by design then I’m failing and the image will remain. Unwilling to leave and uncertain of how to move forward, I take my seat, knowing that I would rather feel part of the scene than an observer.

He gives me a moment before taking the seat next to mine. We’re too close for my comfort. I have pretty strict boundaries; I’ve never been able to allow people to get very close to me physically. It always feels like they’re suffocating me with their proximity, as if they’ve wrapped their arms around me in a crushing embrace.

I can see the ring he wears and the tiny hairs on his arms, and it makes my body tense. He’s sitting only a few inches from me; I can feel his gaze studying me, and I become self-conscious and begin to fidget in the chair.

“Think about the image,” he instructs. “Think about being on the playground with your friends. Hear their laughter. Think about how you feel as you talk to them. You feel ashamed, sad.”

I hate this already. What kind of therapy begins like this?

He moves his left hand horizontally in front of me. I follow it with my eyes, but I don’t see his hand.

The playground is noisy. I’m swinging with my friends. It’s a Catholic school, and we’re all in uniforms: replicas of one another.

“I’ve never seen a boy’s wiener before,” Kathy says. Her voice is filled with laughter.

“I’ve seen my father’s,” I say. “It looks like a bratwurst.”

“You have not!”

“Yes. I touched it.”

“That’s right,” Dr. Erickson says in a soothing voice. He’s reading the emotions that play across my face. “Stay with it. Let the emotions build and then let them go.”

I don’t know how to let go. I don’t know what I’m supposed to learn from this. It’s all old news, pain long past. It doesn’t belong with me. I’m an adult now, a grown woman who’s made her own way in the world and crafted her own successes. I’m a million years from that little girl on the playground, but the pain is so fresh.

The transformation is rapid. The expressions on the girls’ faces morph from playful amusement to confusion, settling on prudence. They’re judging me. They know something I don’t know. For the first time in my memory, I feel like an outsider, a pariah.

Dr. Erickson stops EMDR. I can feel his eyes on me, but I don’t look at him. I stare, without seeing, at the carpet.

“I have a question,” he says gently. “Whose shame is it?” He moves his hand in front of me, and the image switches.

I’m touching one of my sisters, kissing her on the neck. On Wednesday nights we played a game my father made up, where we had to select small pieces of paper from a hat. On each piece of paper was written something we were supposed to do: kiss a butt, lick a breast, touch a crotch. Each of us would then choose one of our siblings and go into a room with them.

“Where are you?” Dr. Erickson asks. He’s stopped his hand movement and is studying me.

“With one of my sisters.”

“On the playground?”

“No.” Pause. “Every Wednesday my mother would go away and my father would have us sit in a circle, naked. He made up this game.” When I finished explaining the bizarre game, I said, “I’m with one of my sisters in a room … kissing her.”

“Go with that,” he instructs, and begins EMDR again.

It’s all giggles and little-girl fun. It doesn’t feel sexual, just playful. We’re both naked because that’s the way our father wanted it.

I don’t like touch. It’s a mantra I say to myself and it has defined my life. I don’t have relationships and I don’t let people near. But some part of my brain is wondering why I’m not afraid with my sister, why I don’t feel apprehension. I say as much to Dr. Erickson.

“You’re judging her as an adult with rights and wrongs. She’s feeling the comfort of her sister.”

“I liked when we were touching.” It’s the only time I can recall liking touch, when caressing was comforting and nurturing. What happened to that feeling? Darkness falls on me as tears well in my eyes. An enormous sadness overwhelms me.

“I like touching my sister, but I don’t like touching other people. Men. What kind of a person does that make me?”

“Human.”

What I hear is “different.”

The memories fade, but they don’t disappear.

I like the softness of my sister’s skin and the sense of freedom, and I like the closeness as if nothing were going to separate us. Sitting in a psychiatrist’s office, trying to come to terms with my life, liking to touch my sister seems wrong.

I’ve never had a sexual relationship with anyone, male or female. I stopped dating a decade ago; I long since gave up trying to let someone get close. And yet there I was at the tender age of nine, exploring my sister’s body. Was that what was wrong with me?

“I want you to think about the healing white light,” Dr. Erickson says softly. “It’s coming from high above and surrounding you. A brilliant white light taking away all the pain.”

The light bathes me with a warm glow. It calms my breathing, eases my tension and, like a drug, dulls the pain the memory created.

“Let those images go. You don’t need them anymore.”

The memories fade, but they don’t disappear. I like the light surrounding me. It takes me far away from my feelings of guilt and shame.

Laureen Peltier is the author of Hungry For Touch: A Journey from Fear to Desire. She focuses on educating others on the possibility of making a full recovery from PTSD, as well as the benefits of healing past trauma. A passionate speaker for RAINN and other organizations, Laureen is sought-after for medical and nursing schools, and has participated in several online and DVD documentaries focusing on PTSD recovery.

After weeks of planning and preparation, you are finally off to enjoy the beach, mountain, cruise, city, or countryside. Or perhaps you’re a spontaneous traveler who found a deal that was too good to pass up, and you’re off on your trip before you know it. Some people are great at keeping travel costs low, but for many of us, no matter how well we intend to budget, travel costs have a way of going up and up. Regardless of how much time and money are spent, vacations are supposed to be fun, right? Then why do so many couples spend so much time fighting in paradise?

On my vacations, I have noticed a surprising number of couples arguing. On one trip, a couple went back and forth for over an hour because one partner did not want to snorkel. The woman remained uncompelled to goggle up no matter how many times her boyfriend told her she was going to miss out on an amazing experience. On another trip, at the airport, apparently a woman was boarding the plane too slowly and was nudged in the back by her partner. This was met with a loud, “Don’t shove me!” On a couples’ cabin trip, I woke to find one member of a bickering couple had elected to sleep on the couch instead of sharing a bed with their partner.

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When I see vacationing couples fighting, I always think, “You have spent way too much money to come on vacation to be unhappy,” quickly forgetting that my partner and I have had our own disagreements while on vacation. But seeing other couples fight and argue serves as a reminder to keep things amicable and enjoyable during my travels. After all, who wants to be miserable while on vacation?

Here are five tips for a conflict-free couples trip:

1. Anticipate stress. One way to reduce stress is to recognize that parts of your travel will be stressful. The more you can prepare for stress, the less likely stress will be impactful. Packing, airports, lost items, reservation mishaps, and getting lost are all par for the course when it comes to traveling. Displaced anger and frustration can lead to unnecessary arguments. For example, your baggage doesn’t make it onto the plane, and when your partner asks where you would like to have dinner, you retort, “Nowhere, I have nothing to wear!” Your frustration lies with the airline, but your partner is the target of your aggression. Understanding that mishaps will arise, most of which your partner can take no responsibility for, can help keep you calm when faced with stressful events.
2. Hold back on “the talk.” If your plan is to enjoy your vacation, your trip is not the best time to bring up a serious issue or discuss an ongoing problem. While on vacation, you may feel like you have a captive audience in which your partner cannot escape a long-overdue conversation, but resist the urge to start peeling back onion layers. Those burning questions you have will be there when you get home, and an enjoyable and bonding trip just might make that issue seem like less of a big deal.
3. Work out issues before the trip. If you know you are not going to be able to enjoy your trip until an issue is worked out, set aside time to work on the problem before your trip. To help with developing a resolution that will make your trip enjoyable, you can preface the conversation by sharing your desired goal. For example, “When we go on vacation next week, I want to really enjoy my time with you. That’s why I want to talk about (the issue) now, so it won’t get in the way of us having a good time.” Chances are your partner also wants to have a good time and doesn’t want to waste time going over something that could have been addressed before you changed time zones. Setting up the conversation this way could help foster motivation in coming up with a solution before the trip.
4. Take time out for yourself. No matter how much you love someone and how well you get along with them, being with someone 24 hours a day is bound to lead to some friction. There is no travel rule saying couples cannot have alone time while on vacation. This doesn’t mean going on separate trips or spending the day apart. Partners can carve out alone time by engaging in solitary activities while together (reading at the beach, listening to music while at the slot machine) or designating time out for themselves (taking a morning run, enjoying a spa service). A little time alone can help ward off travel annoyances.
5. Accept your partner for who they are and how they travel. During my last trip with my husband, I shared that either I was going to have to change my entire personality or he was going to have to accept my vigilance and thoroughness. He chose to accept my personality, which means accepting that I will ask, “Did you lock the door?” and “Do you have the keys?” This is a two-way street in that I have to accept that when my husband is on vacation, he is on vacation. I have to accept that time means little to him and there is a high likelihood multiple trips will be made to the hotel room to retrieve forgotten passports, wallets, and sunglasses. Instead of seeing differences in personalities as travel problems, appreciate what your partner’s personality has to offer. To my husband I bring organization, while he reminds me to relax.

The point of vacation is to get time away from the everyday and replenish. What better way to do this than with your partner? Agree on an argument-free trip so the two of you can focus on having an experience that strengthens your love and appreciation for one another.

Most articles you read about helping children and teens with attention-deficit hyperactivity (ADHD) complete homework are likely to focus on having a structured plan. A structured plan—do homework in the same location, take breaks at specific times, etc.—can indeed be helpful, but often parents underestimate the importance of the actual environment in which the homework is done.

Here are five suggestions to help develop the ideal work environment for your child or teen:

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1. Make sure the work area is physically comfortable. This means having your child or teen sit in a comfortable chair. Ideally, they should be sitting at a desk or using a lap desk (as opposed to sitting on the floor or bed), but see what works best for them. Using a chair that reclines slightly or is padded may make it easier to sit and focus for longer periods.
2. If your child or teen fidgets, harness the fidgeting. If they fidget with their legs, for example, provide your child or teen with something to keep their legs occupied. Try a bicycle or elliptical base that fits under a desk; exercise bands attached to the chair; tennis balls cut open and glued to the floor; or large, squishy shoe innersoles attached to the floor. For individuals who fidget with their hands, try something such as attaching a stress ball to a stretchy string that’s connected to the desk. Alternatively, attach something with different textures to the desk so your child or teen can rub their hand against something while working.
3. Minimize shifting of attention. This can be achieved by decreasing the frequency with which your child or teen needs to switch between their book and the computer, documents on the computer, getting up to get materials, and so forth. To decrease shifting between materials, many individuals (adults included) do well with using a laptop and attaching an external monitor (or LCD television) to it. With two screens, they can keep documents they are referring to on one screen and write on the other. Using a laptop and a tablet for this purpose can also work well, especially if the tablet has a stand. To help with textbooks, using a kitchen book holder that props up the book and keeps it open to set pages can be useful. To avoid children and teens having to get up frequently, keep a few pens, pencils, highlighters, and basic school supplies within arm’s reach.
4. Reduce visual and auditory distractions. Keep the walls within view fairly plain if possible, and if looking out a window is distracting, face the workspace away from the window. Auditory distractions can be minimized by being quiet around your child or teen, using a white noise machine, or using an app (with or without headphones). Some children and teens like noise while working. If they feel they need to listen to something while working, white noise or music without words might be best. While ideally music should be soft, if your child or teen insists on listening to popular music while working, have them listen to karaoke versions.
5. Have different work stations for different types of tasks. Some teens may find it helpful to sit in a special chair just for reading, to use a desk for writing papers, and to use a reclining chair for proofreading. Sometimes a change in position or room between tasks can lead to increased focus and reduce fatigue. (For others, of course, it can lead to getting off task more easily.)

There are many things you can do to help your child or teen get their homework done. While a structured plan is key, so too is the setup of the actual workspace. Try the tips above to get the most out of your child’s study time.

It took a long time before I finally decided to see a psychotherapist—and for reasons that are probably very common:

• I wasn’t sure I had “issues” that warranted help. With nothing to measure against, how was I to know if my angst wasn’t exactly what everyone else felt?
• I grew up hearing family members say people should be strong enough to handle problems on their own. Seeing a therapist or asking for help was a sign of weakness.
• I had no idea what psychotherapy actually entailed. My biggest frame of reference was the film Ordinary People. I loved the therapy sessions depicted in the film, but surely the problems of the boy were far greater than my own.

It took a long time before I was able to acknowledge that my childhood had an effect upon my adult life. Again, with nothing to measure against, how was I to know? I took for granted that my self-doubt, low self-esteem, anxiety, irritability, and desire to be on my own were simply who I was. I didn’t even realize I kept people at a distance and shared nothing of myself because I had been that way all my life. It was simply my personality. I was an introvert. So what?

But thankfully, I began to piece together that negative patterns in my life were emerging and repeating. I recognized the depression I felt had begun in high school, continued and got stronger in college, and then became a recurrent theme in adulthood. After several failed relationships, the depression continued and grew intolerable. I had no idea my own self-imposed barriers against people were actually making things worse.

[fat_widget_right]At 34, I knew something was wrong because I was drinking more, not less. I could see I had always pursued relationships that were destined to fail from the outset, and if they weren’t, I would sabotage them so they did. Through either cheating or losing interest in sex, we would simply drift apart and become friends. For me, the concept of intimacy was repellent.

I give myself credit for recognizing I was stuck, unhappy, and highly unlikely to improve on my own. I was concerned about costs, so I searched and managed to find a therapy organization with a sliding scale fee. I forced myself to the initial consultation meeting, and was caught off-guard when the therapist fairly quickly asked me about my childhood. What would that have to do with anything? I managed to tell her it wasn’t happy. I had snippets of foggy, bad memories.

Over the next two months, I dared to open up to her. I told her about my mother, who had beaten me over the course of six years. It wasn’t my mother’s fault, I explained, because she’d experienced much worse: her father had committed suicide. After a particularly difficult session, I broke down for the first time. I told the therapist about a horrible beating and the announcement from my mother that she hated me.

But I was very fearful, and that would be my last session. I returned the next week and told the therapist I couldn’t afford to come anymore. My finances were too tight. She said I was always welcome to come back, and she was proud of the progress I had made.

While my first attempt at therapy ended prematurely because I was still unable to face painful, buried memories, it proved to me that something mattered about my childhood. I’d hidden it away for a reason. There was something inside me, because I’d never cried like that before.

It took about another 10 years before I dared to try therapy again. By then I’d become a poster child for dysfunction: anonymous hook-ups, juggling sex with multiple partners, heavy binge drinking on weekends, and depression. Thankfully—again—I recognized my patterns were not going to stop without outside help. I had proven myself powerless to make changes on my own.

Searching the internet, I found GoodTherapy.org. I liked I could explore psychological topics, and could find a large, supportive community.

Searching the internet, I found GoodTherapy.org. I liked I could explore psychological topics, and could find a large, supportive community. I located a doctor near my home with a specialty in childhood trauma. Though I had no idea what trauma meant, I thought back to my first experimentation with therapy, and surmised a childhood focus would probably be what I needed.

I was very nervous on the first meeting, but the therapist put me at ease. I felt an immediate rapport with him. When prompted, I told him about the “childhood” part. I showed him a scar just below my right eyebrow. My mother had thrown me and I’d caught my face on the corner of a wooden bookshelf. I wanted to be worthy of his time and was afraid he might find my case frivolous and refuse to see me. At the end of the session, I asked him if he thought we would be a good fit, and he said, “Very much so.”

About two years later I began a book, Grandson of a Ghost, as a therapeutic exercise. I still had difficulty comprehending that my childhood impacted my life, and the book helped me see—literally, in black and white—the ramifications. Here is an excerpt, taken from the moment when I was able to articulate how the abuse poisoned my sense of self:

For Scott, it was now clear that with no one to talk to, and with no frame of reference—in isolation—he grew up fearful of people and had a low self-image. The low self-esteem as a child made the world a scary place. It was terrifying before and after a beating. He was helpless and lacked any shred of control. Everything was potentially dangerous and threatening, laced with a fear of getting in trouble. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of others discovering he was actually something awful. The secret had to be hidden so that no one would find out. It would interfere with learning, because of the amount of mental energy required to keep the secret. He daydreamed constantly, lost in a fog. It made sense. He was ashamed, because he misbehaved and always made his mother cry. He didn’t deserve love, because he was the horrible dark seed somehow planted within the family and disrupting it.

Generational abuse—abuse passed down from parents to children—is a widespread problem, and it impacted my family after the suicide of my grandfather. It’s a difficult topic, and I hope my book can help people.

Three and a half years later, I am still with my therapist. My life has been transformed. The fog has lifted. I’ve learned not to overreact to threats, both real and imagined. I’ve learned to question and quickly parse an alarm. I’ve learned my abuse did have lasting repercussions. I’ve also learned that love means something. It matters. And before working with my therapist, I was closed to it. Now I see connection to others as the key that sets me free.

Scott Depalma is the author of the forthcoming book, Grandson of a Ghost. He grew up in Vermont and fled to New York City when he turned 21, unsure of anything except the need to run and disappear. Scott hopes his story helps others recognize that abuse has a lasting impact, but also that a new perspective (a rebirth) filled with joy and connection is possible at any age.