While it’s inevitable that couples experience ups and downs over the course of a long-term relationship, there are times when conflict can reach a critical point and the prospect of a breakup begins to feel more real. Deciding whether to stay or go can be tough. Often, the relationship can feel compromised due to a variety of concerns that have not been adequately addressed. While it can be challenging to identify the real issues and determine the best course of action, doing so may lead to clarity and confidence as you move toward a decision. It can also help you to honor the good in the relationship and amicably move forward in your separate lives.

As a licensed marriage and family therapist, I greatly appreciate the extensive body of research that Dr. John Gottman and his team contributed to the field of couples relationships. When couples enter therapy, I find it helpful to review some of his core findings about relationships in order to provide an overview of the qualities and attributes that will help them to be more effective with each other.

Here are some points to consider if you’ve been feeling conflicted about ending a long-term relationship:

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1. Trust and Commitment

Perhaps there has been a rupture in the relationship and you find yourself wondering whether trust and commitment, two essentials, still exist in your relationship. Sometimes these two areas become so compromised that day-to-day life together starts to feel toxic. When this happens, it’s important to take inventory and understand each other’s perspective about what’s not working.

As a pro-relationship therapist, I believe there is value in working through relationship challenges. In exploring and sharing important feelings, individuals may begin to feel a sense of relief and a feeling of finally being understood—two important components involved in repairing damage and trust ruptures. When each person is able to identify their experience in their relationship, feel heard, and reach a mutual understanding about what needs to shift, couples are often able to move from feeling stuck to feeling more accepted by their partner. This shift in perspective often has a profound impact on a couple’s ability to nurture a more positive atmosphere with each other.

2. Friendship and Curiosity

Do you remember what it was like when you met your partner? Perhaps a thrilling sensation would pulse through your body when you knew you were getting together. You felt alive, curious, and desired at the same time! Everything was new and exciting—even a mundane afternoon together somehow felt like the most interesting day of the year. During the early stages of your relationship, you likely engaged your partner in a way that made them feel special, asking a lot of questions, eager to understand all the complexities that made up their unique way of navigating the world.

It is not uncommon for this level of curiosity to fade over the course of long-term relationships—you get into a routine, you know your person, so why bother asking questions anymore? This type of thinking can be detrimental to your friendship. A solid friendship allows couples to weather the inevitable ups and downs of their intimate relationship and to support each other as individuals separate from their partnership. When we stop being curious about our partner, the relationship may become stagnant.

3. Conflict Management

Do you find that you’re constantly at odds? If you’re able to repair arguments often, conflict might not be cause for concern. Research conducted by Dr. Gottman found that it’s not necessarily conflict or negative contact that is the issue in relationships, but rather that conflict in the absence of positivity and repair is predictive of instability. Gottman notes that when there is a 5-to-1 ratio of positive-to-negative interactions, the relationship is likely to be stable. Positive interactions include not only the obvious but also more subtle gestures, such as a glance in your partner’s direction when they are making a point or a follow-up question to an expressed need. Positive interactions demonstrate that your partner is present and responsive to you and your needs.

A solid friendship allows couples to weather the inevitable ups and downs of their intimate relationship and to support each other as individuals separate from their partnership.

In times of conflict, if you find that you are not able to repair and that any attempts to repair or make light of a situation are met with cold indifference, anger, or hostility, you and your partner may benefit from exploring your experience of each other more in-depth. The ability to repair can include the following: taking some responsibility for what went wrong, accepting your partner’s influence, and demonstrating a willingness to participate in a conversation about what happened and what could be better.

When thinking about resolving conflict in your relationship, how can you nurture an atmosphere of positivity? If it’s typically difficult for you and your partner to make repair attempts, you may need to work on the underlying dynamics that prevent you from being more effective with each other.

4. Solvable vs. Perpetual Problems

In his research, Dr. Gottman emphasizes the importance of understanding the critical difference between relationship problems that are solvable and the ones that will always be there. I find this distinction to be incredibly hopeful. Couples often enter therapy in order to gain the clarity, skills, and confidence necessary to negotiate, on an ongoing basis, the many different points of contention unique to their relationship. In identifying which problems are which (solvable vs. perpetual), couples can begin to more effectively negotiate and compromise. For example, perhaps you have a contentious relationship with your partner’s best friend or an in-law. These situations can pose a big challenge for any couple; however, they are quite common and need to be addressed on an ongoing basis. For perpetual problems, the solution typically involves reaching a compromise.

Although spending time and energy on working through a relationship challenge may sound simple, it can sometimes be complicated due to past hurts or a lack of trust in a particular area, making it quite difficult for many people. If this area has been problematic for you and your partner, you may benefit from couples counseling in order to gain awareness, insight, and the skills necessary to negotiate important topics with greater ease.

5. Honoring Each Other’s Life Dreams

Do you sometimes wonder whether you and your partner want different things in life? You and your partner may have significant differences in your life goals, and that’s okay. The important thing to consider is whether you’re willing to support each other in accomplishing your respective life dreams. In thinking about ambitions, it’s helpful to consider them in categories. For example, what are some of your personal and professional goals?

For some people, it might be easy to define personal and professional life dreams. For others, it might involve more thought and soul-searching. If you are having trouble identifying these areas, start by considering what makes you feel happy, inspired, and joyful. Then think about your partner’s goals. Is your list similar in some ways? Are there significant differences? If so, what do you anticipate might be some of the challenges? Honoring the life dreams of a partner may involve some compromise, so it’s important to consider what you’re willing to compromise and what you’re not. This is an area that is worthy of thoughtful discussion so you can be informed and on the same page about accomplishing your respective goals.

Over the life of any relationship, feeling disappointed and hurt at times is inevitable. And while a breakup is sometimes unavoidable, other times it’s possible to work through difficulties and achieve a closer connection. Whatever the situation, it can be helpful to spend time reflecting on the areas mentioned above to help you determine a thoughtful decision. If you are committed to your partner but are having difficulty engaging in these topics or moving through your unique relationship challenges, you may want to seek couples counseling to help you to improve the quality of your relationship.

Reference:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York, NY: Crown Publishers.

People with narcissistic qualities tend to view life in black-and-white: a world of only losers and winners, victims and victimizers. They loathe feeling like losers or victims. In the case of parents with narcissism, they often shunt those roles onto their children.

Why? Because people with narcissism need to be fed. A person with extreme narcissistic tendencies is like a balloon with a hole, endlessly leaking esteem, always needing a refill. Such a person’s air supply: attention. And who better to provide attention than the captive audience of one’s children?

If you had a parent with narcissism, you may have been trained to focus not on your own feelings and needs, but rather on those of your parent. Parents with narcissism may wheedle, confuse, or bully you into attending to them, ignoring their lies, and tiptoeing around their vulnerabilities. They generally need your life to be about them. Some people with narcissism, feeling empty at their core and lacking a healthy sense of self, may steal from your very relationship with yourself.

But you aren’t a child anymore. You have power and options you never had as a child. Here are six ways you can take back your life after a narcissistic upbringing:

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1. See Beyond the Narcissistic Facade

People with narcissism tend to be pretenders. Dwelling in a cyclone of shame, they live in mortal terror of anybody saying the emperor has no clothes. They fear being seen as flawed or ignorant and hate feeling powerless or embarrassed. These fears tend to drive their behavior. To avoid feeling flawed, they have to be the best and insist on perfection from others. To avoid feeling ignorant, they act like know-it-alls and rarely admit they are wrong. To avoid feeling powerless, they act larger than life. And when they feel embarrassed, their volcanic rage may erupt, burying anyone in their path.

When you know this, you can see what drives their outlandish behaviors. You don’t have to take it personally, wondering what you did wrong.

2. Identify Distortions and Double Standards

When people with narcissism make a mistake, they tend to blame others. When you make a mistake, they blame you. When they succeed, they cite their superior character. When you succeed—thus temporarily stealing the spotlight they so crave—they may take credit for your success, call it a fluke, or diminish it by pointing out other times you have failed.

People with narcissism tend to distract and disguise. Like kids caught with their hands in the candy jar, they may try to confuse, belittle, bully, or otherwise avoid responsibility for their actions.

Don’t be taken in. Pay attention to what they do, not what they say. Their words are often attempts to throw you off and make you feel small or doubtful while making themselves feel big. Their arguments are generally not to be taken seriously or even responded to, because if you refute one argument, they may simply come up with another and another.

When they are abusive, manipulative, or withholding, see it for what it is. They are using you to avoid their own issues and satisfy their urges. They may feel entitled to do so. This is not healthy. Nobody is entitled to abuse or use another.

3. If You Are Drawn to People with Narcissistic Qualities, Be Clear About Why

If you have been drawn to people with narcissism, it may be because it is simply a familiar dynamic. But it can also reflect an unconscious hope that if you can find a person with narcissistic tendencies who happens to treat you well, it will make up for what you didn’t get years ago from a parent with narcissism. It is an understandable wish. Yet relationships with people with narcissism are often disappointing and superficial because people with narcissism generally don’t care about treating others well.

You don’t have to deny your desire for justice, validation, or reparation. But you can never get back lost years, nor are you likely to get an apology.

If you feel unfulfilled in a relationship or wonder if a friend or partner has narcissism, ask yourself why you are with them. Do you hope to change or reform them? Do you hope someday they will see how good you are and mend their ways? Pursuing relationships with people with narcissism may simply postpone facing the painful recognition that your parent couldn’t be there for you. Accepting and mourning that unfortunate truth can allow you to focus on what is best for you and pick healthier relationships.

You don’t have to deny your desire for justice, validation, or reparation. But you can never get back lost years, nor are you likely to get an apology. You will almost certainly never be rescued if you wait for it. The only person who can make it right is you, by your choices and by how you treat and view yourself.

4. Use Your Voice

Let’s say, for example, you give a person with narcissism a holiday gift, and they give you nothing. The person with narcissism then says something like, “You’re just trying to make me feel guilty because I didn’t get you anything.” This is classic narcissistic behavior, shifting the attention to you and putting you on the defensive. Simply knowing they are doing this may be enough to help you gain perspective, and you might choose to say nothing. But if you feel that you are shrinking in stature, you may feel better about yourself by speaking up. For example, in a situation like this you could:

1. Confront it by saying, “No, that is not why I gave it to you. But now that you mention it, do you feel guilty for not giving me anything?”
2. Use humor by taking their accusation about you trying to make them feel guilty and saying something like, “Well, is it working?”
3. Be honest and direct by saying, “No, I gave you a card because I wanted to. And now that you mention it, I do feel hurt that you didn’t give me anything.”

Remember, hard as they may try, people with narcissism can never take away your truth, experience, or feelings. They can dispute it, threaten you, and deny it, but they cannot make you give it up. They are projecting on you what they can’t feel in themselves. Don’t take it on.

5. Seek Balance

Being raised by a person with narcissism can throw your life out of balance. One way to regain healthy balance is to do the opposite of what your parents did. For example:

• If you received much criticism and scant praise, you may need to sidestep criticism (including self-criticism) and increase self-acknowledgment.
• If you have been compulsively driving yourself in reaction to people with narcissism who called you lazy, you may want to slow down and focus on quality of life. Conversely, if you have been underperforming in reaction to pressure from people with narcissism, you may want to push yourself beyond your present comfort level.
• If you have felt deprived, allow yourself to desire and receive more.
• If you were not allowed to say no or point out what was wrong, you may need to spend time saying no and focusing on what should change in your relationship, family, workplace, or society.
• If you have been giving people with narcissistic qualities the benefit of the doubt to your own detriment, you may want to start questioning their actions and believe in yourself, perhaps seeking the guidance of a trusted therapist or friend as you do so.

6. Trust Yourself

Your parents may have shamed you when you experimented, asked questions, or expressed your views. This may have led you as a child to become more dependent on them or alienated from yourself. Even in adulthood, you may second-guess yourself, struggle to make decisions, and shy away from taking risks that could enhance your life.

When you have to make a decision or when a challenge arises, ask yourself, “If I knew I was absolutely trustworthy, what would I do?” Then assess how you can make that happen. By assuming you are trustworthy, that your feelings are valuable, and that your intuition is reliable, you can see that you have within yourself all you need to handle challenges—despite what your parents may have tried to make you believe.

If you were raised by a parent with narcissism, you are not alone. Millions of adults have had a parent with narcissistic tendencies. No matter how you were treated as a child, you deserve to be seen, heard, and do what is healthiest for you.

What are your core values? Can you state them without thought?

A better place to begin might be, What are core values?

A core value can be considered a life direction, an internal compass that serves to guides us throughout our lifetime. Our values mold who we are and help point us in the direction we want to take in life. According to Russ Harris, therapist and author of The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living, values are what we want our lives to be about, deep in our hearts. Values—which vary from person to person and may change over time—include ideals like trust, love, success, wealth, freedom, health, and adventure.

Some of us may have identified our core values but experience challenges or barriers of some sort in moving forward with them. For many, chronic illness may be one of these barriers. Many of the people I work with in my practice who have a chronic illness experience an internal battle between their core values and what their bodies will allow as they attempt to work to establish these values in their lives. [fat_widget_right]

Allison,* for example, is in her early twenties. She recently married, and she and her husband had planned on having children soon after their wedding, but instead Allison received a cancer diagnosis. Without hesitation, she went through the necessary therapies to treat the cancer, but unfortunately these treatments left her unable to conceive. “I want to have children, but I can’t because of my illness,” she sobbed in one session.

Allison values family, but her plan to have children was waylaid by cancer treatment. “I’m so disappointed and sad,” she disclosed, tears streaming down her face. “This isn’t where I thought I would be at this point in my life.”

Allison and I began to address this by first paring down her value list to her top three—love, family, and health— in order to help her come up with some committed action steps to help move her forward. While she cannot become pregnant herself, she can adopt children to start her family. To this end, she and her husband have begun the adoption process by going to informational meetings, saving money, and interviewing different adoption agencies.

Sometimes Allison has to sit with the feelings of sadness and grief, accepting the temporary pain with the knowledge that the feelings will pass. But she also knows that if she continues to move toward her values through committed action, she will indeed find a life filled with love, family, and health.

Determining Our Core Values

How do we determine these values for ourselves? And once we have done so, how do we take action in our lives to implement them? It’s not all that easy to do, but it can be life-changing! There are lists of core values available online, but you can also make a list for yourself.

When you have a list, further whittling it down to the top three values is next. This process, which can be an interesting and insightful one, is important, because it may be too overwhelming to find direction if we have too many core values. Like the old adage says, “The hunter who chases two rabbits catches neither.”

Once we have identified three top core values, we can move forward. Proactive behavior moves us in the direction of our values. If we find we value adventure, making plans to travel someplace new could be a “moving toward” behavior. If health is one of our core values, eating more nutritious food, exercising regularly, and practicing self-care are some committed action steps we might take.

Along the way, we might notice certain distracting behaviors that move us away from our values, rather than moving us forward with them.

Learning to be observant of our behaviors can help us catch ourselves when we’re moving away from our values and get us back on track.

Behaviors that sidetrack us might include:

• Substance use
• Binge-watching television
• Isolating from others
• Sleeping too much
• Overworking
• Excessive spending

When we get caught up in these behaviors, our values are waylaid, and ultimately, we are left feeling unsatisfied. Learning to be observant of our behaviors can help us catch ourselves when we’re moving away from our values and get us back on track. (Any of these behaviors might also be indicative of an underlying concern, though this is not always the case. It can be helpful to raise these concerns, and others that may impact daily life and function, with a mental health professional.)

Sometimes even ordinary illness or fatigue can get in the way or slow down the process of moving toward our core values, and coping with a chronic illness can make a person’s quest to attain their values particularly challenging. However, because our values are ever-present in our lives, we can always commit to some kind of action steps, even if they are small.

What kinds of distracting behaviors are keeping you from moving toward your values? Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is one approach that can help us identify our values and make a commitment to taking action steps. I believe that doing so can ultimately help bring meaning to life, even in the midst of chronic illness.

What’s stopping you from living a rich and meaningful life?

Editor’s note: Names in the preceding article were changed to protect confidentiality. 

Reference:

Harris, R. (2008). The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living. Boulder, CO: Trumpeter.

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I grew up in a fairly religious household where sex was rarely discussed (and when it was, it was talked about for the purposes of conception). Now, in my 30s, I have renounced many aspects of the religion I grew up with and come to realize some of the harm it caused in my life—including giving me a very problematic view of sex.

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I’m a virgin and have barely even been able to masturbate, let alone approach intimacy with a partner. I feel ashamed and guilty whenever I try, even though I tell myself over and over again that self-exploration is healthy and necessary. I desperately want a relationship, too, but can’t fathom the idea of overcoming my nervousness about sex and exposing my body (nudity was condemned in my family as well).

While I am still a child of God and am waiting for marriage to have sex, I would like to be more open to physical acts of love and more self-accepting when it comes to touching myself. Can you tell me why shame and embarrassment persist around the subject of sex, even after I have released so much other negativity that was ingrained in me through my childhood faith? How can I shake the bad emotions that arise instantly when I feel aroused or try to indulge my thoughts and fantasies about sex? —Shackled by Shame

Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist

Dear Shackled,

First off, I want to say how much I respect and admire you. Clearly, you have worked hard to release the “negativity” that was part of your childhood. That is a huge undertaking, and you have accomplished a great deal. Nevertheless, you want to go further. You write that although you have achieved great self-understanding, there is an important aspect of your life that you would like to change—shame about sex.

You write that you feel ashamed and guilty about your sexuality. Shame and guilt are both powerful emotions, but very different from each other. Guilt has to do with feeling bad about something you have done. It’s hard to endure, but shame is worse. Shame is about who you are or, more accurately, who you think you are (based on the influences in your life)—no good, bad, worthless, and so on. If you feel guilty about something you have done, you can make retribution or decide to never repeat the action. But shame? Shame is about your core being, your whole self, body, and soul. I get the feeling from your words that shaming might have been part of your experiences growing up. Shame is used to belittle and control people; it is a tool of hate, not of love.

You describe sex as almost a great unmentionable in your childhood home, surrounded by prohibitions about nudity, masturbation, and adult relationships. Sexuality has something to do with love and loving, because sex is, finally, a loving physical and emotional expression of closeness with oneself and another. In fact, sexuality is an integral and intimate part of a person’s very being—and being in loving connection, the very opposite of shame.

You write that you are a “child of God.” I don’t know how you express your spirituality, but I wonder if you have come across this quotation from Ephesians 5:20: “For no one has ever hated his own body, but he nourishes and tenderly cares for it, as the Messiah does the church.” In short, take care of yourself, body and soul, with complete love.

I recognize—and maybe you do, too—that this sounds easier said than done. For many people, the shame they experience surrounding sex stems from societal and religious taboos that have developed over many generations, making it a particularly difficult subject to reconcile new feelings around. I urge you to be compassionate with yourself as you work through your feelings, which clearly aren’t comfortable for you. It’s hard to overcome a lifetime of conditioning.

Many people experience negative feelings about the body. You wonder how you might overcome yours. I would start by working with a therapist around issues of loving yourself, emotionally as well as physically. Therapy can be very helpful as you gradually unlearn the negative feelings that are attached to your sexuality.

I find myself wondering how you care for yourself. Do you provide yourself with proper rest and physical care? Do you beautify yourself and your environment? Do things you like? Do you recognize and then give yourself what you need? Respecting, caring for, and loving oneself may gradually bring you closer to your body. Again, be kind to yourself.

Many people experience negative feelings about the body. You wonder how you might overcome yours. I would start by working with a therapist around issues of loving yourself, emotionally as well as physically. Therapy can be very helpful as you gradually unlearn the negative feelings that are attached to your sexuality. The experience of talking about your feelings with a compassionate other may itself be a way to lessen your feelings of shame as you bring them to light on your terms. This is a gradual process. There is no hurry.

You might also find physical outlets, such as sports or yoga or hiking, for example, that you enjoy. These are ways to perhaps feel more at home in your body.

As you gradually feel all of who you are, and the joy in and around you, you might also discover the joy of companionship with someone special. Often, people who are new to sex are worried about how they will do, as if sex were a test or performance to be graded. There is a simple remedy for such feelings. Rather than focusing on yourself and if you’re doing things right, you can focus on what your partner finds enjoyable as your partner finds ways to please you. As you treasure each other, your intimacy may deepen and grow.

Thank you very much for asking this delicate question. I hope my answers are helpful, and I wish you a blossoming of your full self.

Take care,

Lynn

If you were to think of a bullying situation, you might conjure an image of a small, bespectacled child cornered by a much larger one. Or perhaps you might imagine a group of taunting children circling rivals, enemies, or maybe an outsider. It’s common to think of bullying as a children’s issue.

Generally, people don’t expect bullying from adults—yet it does occur and can even come in disguise from a trusted colleague or someone considered a friend. Those who stand out as quirky or different, such as gifted or highly sensitive people, may be more vulnerable than most.

Adult bullying can occur anywhere, but it often occurs where a person spends the most time, such as the workplace or in social situations. Whether at work or among friends, bullying can take a person by surprise given that our social norms tend to discourage aggressive behavior, particularly in adulthood. However, adult bullying doesn’t have to be obvious and belligerent; in fact, it can be quite subtle.

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If you are an adult, you probably have witnessed or experienced some form of bullying. Bullying is usually considered to be a type of harassment that occurs when someone purposefully tries to control someone else, without their approval.

Verbal bullying often occurs through word choice or tone of voice, and can be tauntingly direct, suggestive, or perhaps indirect—such as ignoring your contributions, insinuating disrespect, devaluing your time, excluding you, or sabotaging your work.

Bullying of this nature may happen once or repeatedly. When a person bullies, it can stem from insecurity about something or low self-esteem. It might be due to feeling powerless on the inside, resulting in behaviors that seek to take power from others. People who engage in bullying might have been victims themselves or perhaps never learned how to self-regulate. Of course, at its most troubling, an adult might bully others because it “feels good” or is somehow fun or rewarding. Exerting power over another person might feel especially “good” if there is a lack of empathy for those being harmed.

No matter how they came to bully, people tend to find their victims in people they consider significantly different from themselves. This could be someone they perceive to be (or wish to be) at a lower social standing. It might be a person who just rubs them wrong in some way. While not the most mature of behaviors, bullying is a significant problem in the adult population.

Gifted and highly sensitive people tend to stand out as different, and therefore may be prime targets for people who bully. But what do we mean when we use the terms “giftedness” and “high sensitivity”?

What Is Giftedness?

A person is typically labeled as gifted if they have been professionally assessed to have an intelligence quotient (IQ) of 130 or greater. However, not everyone has undergone IQ testing, and many professionals who work with the gifted population favor a more descriptive definition of giftedness. According to Morelock (1996), the Columbus Group provided this definition of giftedness in 1991:

“Giftedness is asynchronous development in which advanced cognitive abilities and heightened intensity combine to create inner experiences and awareness that are qualitatively different from the norm. This asynchrony increases with higher intellectual capacity. The uniqueness of the gifted renders them particularly vulnerable and requires modifications in parenting, teaching, and counseling in order for them to develop optimally.”

Being qualitatively different, asynchronous, and atypical from the norm can make anyone of any age seem like an outsider.

What Is High Sensitivity?

Dr. Elaine Aron described highly sensitive people in 1997, purporting high sensitivity to be a personality trait that occurs in about 20% of the population. She further described this trait as stemming from differences in the nervous system, where there is a greater sensitivity to stimuli.

Highly sensitive people tend to perceive things more intensely and have a stronger awareness of the subtleties around them, making them generally respond differently than most to their environment. Highly sensitive people are often known to be gentle, emotional, intense, and of course sensitive.

The same wonderfully positive traits that make this population stand out can lead to highly sensitive adults being misunderstood or perceived as weak, overly emotional, haughty, or pushovers.

Possible Bullying Targets

The Workplace Bullying Institute reports that 27% of people have been bullied in the workplace (Namie, 2014). It stands to reason that a percentage of those who have been bullied stand out as different, quirky, sensitive, or atypical.

Gifted traits often include keen observation skills, fast thinking, and a strong sense of justice, which can potentially make gifted individuals sound like know-it-alls, system challengers, or tattletales—common marks for people who bully.

Even people generally considered kind may feel uncomfortable about, or threatened by, the characteristics often associated with gifted and highly sensitive populations. And the people who have these traits do tend to notice. The Gifted Identity Project (Malonai and Duncan, 2015) reported that most gifted individuals feel lonely, isolated, quirky, and different.

While gifted and highly sensitive people might come across as different, the quirky aspects of giftedness are multifaceted and sometimes incongruous. Gifted traits often include keen observation skills, fast thinking, and a strong sense of justice, which can potentially make gifted individuals sound like know-it-alls, system challengers, or tattletales—common marks for people who bully.

Likewise, rules and fairness tend to be important to this population, which may elicit conflict resulting in bad feelings. Gifted individuals are often looked to for leadership, even when it is not their place. This can later cause resentment or jealousy. Hyper-focusing is another common gifted trait, which can make someone seem inattentive or distant. In general, many traits commonly associated with the gifted and highly sensitive populations might bring about hard feelings in potential bullies.

How to Mitigate the Impact of Adult Bullying

Although you bear no responsibility for bullying behaviors you experience, it can be helpful to be both self-aware and open to improving your understanding of how others might perceive you.

1. Keep calm and breathe deeply. Don’t give your power away by responding outside of your value set.
2. Know the truth and believe in your own strengths. Don’t let anyone else determine who you are, nor let them get into your head about it.
3. Speak up. Bullying can be seen differently by different people, and might in some cases be a matter of perspective. It might be worthwhile to share that you are feeling bullied, and specify how the words or actions impact you. It could be that speaking up will put an immediate stop to the problem.
4. If you do speak up, do so safely. Make your approach when you believe there will be sufficient time, as hurried conversations are not necessarily easier. Choose an environment where you can speak confidentially that also has potential witnesses, such as a coffee shop or conference room with the door slightly ajar.
5. Don’t respond to provocation. This will help diminish the power a bullying person might seek to obtain. In psychology, we call this fading.
6. Show respect to yourself and others by responding to the underlying message instead of the negative words or behaviors. A good start to mitigate aggression is to acknowledge where the other person might be coming from. For example, “This seems very important to you. Let’s talk about it.”
7. Get support. Even if it is difficult to open up when you have felt wronged or misunderstood, it can help to talk it out. Your mental health is worth the effort. Also, you might learn something about your strengths or get ideas on how to de-escalate the situation. Support might be found through your human resources department, an employee assistance officer, a trustworthy friend, an understanding coworker, a family member, help line, or a licensed professional such as a clinical counselor, mediator, or doctor.

References:

1. Aron, E. N. (1997). The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You. New York, NY: Broadway Books.
2. Bullying Statistics (n.d.). Why Do People Bully. Retrieved from http://www.bullyingstatistics.org/content/why-do-people-bully.html
3. Malonai, G. M., & Duncan, S. L. (2015). Gifted Identity Project. Cultural Influences on Gifted Families [Power Point Slides]. Retrieved from http://www.giftedidentity.com/wp/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/GIP-Cultural_SENG2015.sm_.pdf
4. Morelock, M. J. (1996). On the nature of giftedness and talent: Imposing order on chaos. Roeper Review, vol. 19(1), 4-12.
5. Namie, G. (2014). WBI U.S.: Workplace Bullying Survey. Workplace Bullying Institute National Office.

As we begin, here is an invitation for you:

In your mind’s eye, create a mental picture of a wolf. The wolf is alone; perhaps he is a young male who’s just left his mother’s side, setting out for his first solo adventure. The sun is setting, and our wolf is atop a hill, standing, all four paws on the ground. His head is high, his eyes scanning the horizon. His ears are perked, swiveling to capture sounds from all around. His nose receives all sorts of information from the evening breeze, information that would be imperceptible to us, his human observers. Perhaps his tail is lifted ever so slightly as it curves gracefully behind him. He is fully alive, vibrant, and completely in the present moment.

Now imagine what it would feel like to be that wolf. Feel the pads of your four paws on the ground, the bones and sinews of your legs supporting your spare, muscular torso. Feel your spine elongate as you gently test the wind with your finely honed sniffer. Feel the strength and springiness in your shoulders, your haunches. Imagine you are ready to respond in a split-second to any tiny change in the environment, reacting from instinct before you can even think about it.

Feel the energy that arises in your body as you spend a moment with this experience. And congratulate yourself, because in doing this exercise, you are contacting your felt sense.

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The felt sense is a term coined by Eugene Gendlin to describe our innate sense of everything we know and experience in a wordless, non-cognitive way, from the interior of our bodies. The common term “gut instinct” is closely related, as is the scientific term interoception, the process of sensing inside the body. Dr. Gendlin founded a school of therapy he called focusing. Essentially, focusing involves paying attention to our felt sense, and learning how to work with what it has to say. As the focusing website says, “This sensation in your body is called a ‘felt sense.’ It lies behind your thoughts and feelings and is significant and full of meaning. It is a message from your body to you, and will speak to you when you listen.” As Dr. Peter Levine is fond of saying, its language is sensation.

Much of this non-cognitive, somatic information involves not only our body, but also our reptile brain. As I have noted in previous articles, we are interested in the body and the reptile brain because this is where most mental health symptoms “live.” The felt sense is the place where we can work with painful symptoms to get them to subside. Then, the energy these symptoms used to drain from us becomes available for more joy and more productive engagement with the world.

Although modern Western thought has been quite resistant to this idea, there are other valid ways of knowing things besides our thoughts. In some cultures, people regularly converse about this innate, biological, or instinctual source of knowledge. As owners of living, human bodies, our access to our intuitive felt sense is our birthright! It is where the experiences of pleasure, joy, and liveliness originate.

Our felt sense is incredibly useful when we cultivate a relationship with it. As the focusing website points out, “Your body knows more about situations than you are explicitly aware of. For example, your body picks up more about another person than you consciously know.” Although modern Western thought has been quite resistant to this idea, there are other valid ways of knowing things besides our thoughts. In some cultures, people regularly converse about this innate, biological, or instinctual source of knowledge. As owners of living, human bodies, our access to our intuitive felt sense is our birthright! It is where the experiences of pleasure, joy, and liveliness originate. Unfortunately, there is very little discussion or guidance about the felt sense in our culture.

So, then, how do we cultivate a better relationship with this “interior us”?

Well, some of us have to be careful about it. If we have a trauma history, whether or not we’re aware of it, the felt sense is (predominantly) where it lives. In my experience, this is why some people have a difficult time even accessing any of their interior sensations: They are dissociated (disconnected) from their inner selves as a protection from the traumatic residue.

Unfortunately, shutting down pain inherently involves shutting down at least some pleasure. On the other hand, some people experience emotional flooding, physical pain, or other distressing experiences when they turn their focus inward. Of course, this is not true for everyone. People’s experiences with their inner selves vary greatly, largely depending on their life histories. Many people already have a rewarding and lively relationship with their inner lives—and that is ultimately one of the primary goals of somatic psychotherapy.

For more information about focusing, please refer to the focusing website. For those who suspect or already know that contacting this aspect of themselves can be challenging, I would recommend working with an experienced guide, such as a somatic psychotherapist. The work of Dr. Levine uses the felt sense as one of several fundamental tools for trauma healing. Pursuing such therapeutic support can greatly help in reclaiming access to one’s birthright of joy and vibrant well-being.

References:

1. Gendlin, E. (2016). What is Focusing? The International Focusing Institute. Retrieved from http://www.focusing.org/newcomers.htm#what
2. Levine, P. (2010). In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness. Berkeley, CA: North Atlantic Books.

How we treat ourselves affects our interactions with others. If I beat myself up for not being perfect, how will I be loving toward a friend or a romantic partner who has “failed” me? How will I be able to set realistic expectations for others if they aren’t realistic for me?

So often, we are unloving toward our perceived flaws. We criticize our bodies, without thanking our body parts for the important functions they serve. We criticize our personal qualities, without practicing compassionate curiosity. Our mistakes are rarely used as opportunities for growth. Instead, our mistakes are used to create a track record proving how “incompetent” we are.

In an ideal world, we would be in control of our lives and tailor them to our liking. In the real world, however, we are faced with messiness on a daily basis. There are more gray areas than black-and-white ones. Our plans don’t always pan out, and our expectations are not always met.

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It always surprises me how dehumanizing our problems can be. Anxiety convinces us that we are “crazy.” Depression convinces us that we are “worthless.” Perfectionism convinces us that we are “never enough.” Yet we invite these abusive voices into our daily routines. Whatever happened to healthy self-love and self-respect?

In today’s modern world, many people appear to be self-absorbed. We often spend more time on our phones than actually socializing with those around us. There is difference between being self-absorbed and practicing healthy self-love, however. Being self-absorbed centers on the idea of empty external validation. On the other hand, healthy self-love invites acceptance, integrity, and creates space for personal values. Healthy self-love is the ability to notice one’s “flaws” and attempt to improve those areas through compassionate healing. Healthy self-love allows a person to be human. Healthy self-love does not connect one’s self-worth to one’s performance.

Think about it: A lack of healthy self-love leaves us feeling ashamed and alone. Over time, a lack of self-love can lead to depression, anxiety, loneliness, and a sense of emptiness. These issues develop such a centralized position in our lives that we may grow fearful of leaving them behind. We latch onto them as though our identities will be compromised if we try to move beyond what they have planned for us.

If it was up to depression, we might lay in bed most of the day. If it was up to anxiety, we might avoid speaking in public. We know that not loving ourselves may leave us feeling lonely and tired. We know that negative self-talk may only invite more anxiety. Yet we continue to stay married to our challenges. We offer loyalty to our problems and, in doing so, leave less space for self-love.

If it were up to depression, we might lay in bed most of the day. If it was up to anxiety, we might avoid speaking in public. We know that not loving ourselves may leave us feeling lonely and tired. We know that negative self-talk may only invite more anxiety. Yet we continue to stay married to our challenges. We offer loyalty to our problems and, in doing so, leave less space for self-love.

Our problems attempt to compare us to an unrealistic standard that is never consistent. The standard continues to grow as we age. As we age, the standard attempts to find a new cohort to compare us to.

We carry “suitcases” from childhood into adolescence. We fill up our suitcases with more unmet expectations and perceived disappointments and carry them over to adulthood. The cycle continues until the day we die or we realize our problems will never allow us to love ourselves.

When we judge others, it’s usually because they have “failed” to meet an expectation that our problems have set for us. Either we have “failed” to achieve that expectation as well, or we have “succeeded” at complying with the expectation. Lack of self-love steps in and whispers: “I have failed at meeting this expectation, and so has this person. I don’t like myself, so I don’t like this person, either.” Lack of self-love also can whisper: “I have complied with this certain expectation. This person has ‘failed’ to meet this particular expectation. They are not perfect and not worthy of my time.”

The way you treat others is a reflection of your internal dialogue with yourself. If you have cheated on a romantic partner, it is less about your romantic partner or the third person in the scenario. It is more about who you would have hoped to be with, alongside the third person. It is about you.

If you have judged another person, it is more about your relationship with mistakes or differences than it is about the other person. Problems have a way of tricking us into loyalty. Problems guide us to black-and-white thinking. Our goal is not to step away from personal values and morals. Our goal is to have acceptance and love for ourselves—enough acceptance that we are able to remind ourselves that we will be okay regardless of how others choose to live, regardless of other people’s actions.

Do you love yourself enough to forgive yourself for the things you think you have not accomplished? Can you be compassionate with yourself and accept yourself so fully that you stop looking for others to do what you have “failed” at? Can you remind yourself that where you are at this very moment is exactly where you need to be?

To recover from the emotional abuse caused by a parent with narcissistic tendencies, you must repair your reality—a reality that has been skewed and damaged by your experience of parenting. You are recovering from a serious interpersonal trauma. The repair process has nothing to do with (1) self-improvement, (2) fixing your parent, or (3) working on the relationship with your parent.

When you grow up around a parent with narcissistic qualities, you may be conditioned to believe that only the voice of that person matters. You may learn that only that person is allowed to have and express feelings and opinions. You may shut off your voice and needs in order to meet your parent’s needs. You may watch your other parent abide or acquiesce, and without thinking, the entire family may follow suit.

After all of this childhood conditioning, it can be difficult to adopt healthier ways of being in adulthood. This article provides some suggestions on how to heal from this type of abuse, but it is by no means exhaustive. Partnering with a qualified therapist can help you determine the best way to address your specific needs and circumstances.

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Learning to Love Yourself

In order to heal, it is time to start focusing on what it means to experience self-value. Here are four strategies you can incorporate in your life from this day forward to “rewire” your brain and encourage self-value:

1. Develop Self-Compassion

Developing self-compassion can prove quite challenging for some people. It can trigger emotional flashbacks in some individuals who have been exposed to cyclical abuse where compassion was part of the setup for the next attack. It can also be difficult for those who grew up in emotionally neglectful homes and rarely or never received compassion (Germer and Neff, 2014).

Realize that compassion may be absent in a relationship with a person with narcissism, and since parents are so essential for demonstrating empathy to their children, the kids may grow up underdeveloped in this area, particularly when it comes to compassion toward the self.

Be patient as you learn to create kindheartedness toward yourself. Consider what you would say to someone else in similar circumstances, or what benevolent friends have said to you in the past to bring you comfort; learn to say these same words to yourself (Germer and Neff, 2014).

2. Eliminate Your Inner Critic and Toxic Shame

Your “inner child” holds on to the hope that if it becomes smart, helpful, talented, and flawless enough, your parent will finally love it. The continued failure to win the approval of the parent leads the inner child to conclude that it is defective and unlovable. Thus, the child learns through this self-reflection process to self-criticize (Neff, n.d.).

Your “inner child” holds on to the hope that if it becomes smart, helpful, talented, and flawless enough, your parent will finally love it. The continued failure to win the approval of the parent leads the inner child to conclude that it is defective and unlovable.

Because of the constant projection and implication of failure on the part of your parent, you not only have a hurt inner child, but you likely also have an internalized “inner parent” in the form of a punitive voice and inner critic. Hearing the internalized voice of the inner critic continues the experience of toxic shame.

You can eliminate shame by learning to be vulnerable with safe people. As you begin to make connections with safe people, start telling them your story (Brown, 2010).

3. Build Self-Trust

Visualize your traumatized inner child and start developing a relationship with it that is comforting, accepting, strong, secure, and safe. The best way to learn self-trust is to start treating yourself well.

Since you have been in a close interpersonal relationship with a parent with narcissism, you have missed out on the role modeling and mirroring of healthy nurturing. Because of this, you may experience attachment trauma, a faulty inner working model for relationships, and an inaccurate belief system about yourself in relationship to others (Courtois and Ford, 2013).

This needs repair. Stop rejecting yourself and start repairing the damage your parent has caused. You can do this. Embrace your inner child with warmth and acceptance (Walker, 2013).

4. Exercise Self-Care

Because your parent with narcissism has trained you to focus only on their reactions, you may be conditioned to focus outside of yourself and may have no idea how to look internally at your own needs.

Begin to embark on a journey of self-care. Develop an “inner nurturer” and let it have a strong presence in your life. Write a list of happy, healthy things you can do with and for yourself each day.

Conclusion

Please realize that this article only touches the surface of what can happen with a person raised with a parent with narcissistic tendencies and is just a beginning point for what is needed to heal. Recovery from any type of abuse is a process, one that may take a lifetime. Allow yourself the gifts of time, grace, and unhurried, relaxed baby steps. Do not rush the process. Learn to enjoy each day as it comes and be mindful of what you are experiencing and learning. Work to eliminate the critic that resides inside your head. Ultimately, the recovery process involves developing a healthy relationship with self and others. Seek support from a therapist as needed.

References:

1. Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection. New York, NY: Hazelden.
2. Connelly, S. (n.d.). Permission to Stop Beating Yourself Up. Retrieved from http://traumahealed.com/articles/permission-to-stop-beating-yourself-up/
3. Courtois, C.A., & Ford, J.D. (2013). Treatment of Complex Trauma. New York, NY: The Guilford Press.
4. Germer, C.K., & Neff, K. (2014). Cultivating Self-Compassion in Trauma Survivors. Retrieved from http://self-compassion.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/Germer.Neff_.Trauma.pdf
5. Neff, K. (n.d.). Self-Compassion. Retrieved from http://self-compassion.org/exercise-2-self-compassion-break/
6. Walker, P. (2013). Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. United States: Azure Coyote.

I remember the first time I saw all the medication bottles in Mark’s cabinet. We hadn’t been together long, and I was curious to learn more about the medication he was taking. I asked him about them and he said they were for seizures. I didn’t quite understand what he meant by this, but he said “it” was under control, so I didn’t give it much more thought. I thought it was great he was willing to share such sensitive and personal information, considering it was early in our relationship.

Mark began to have seizures in his late 20s that did not respond to medication. Even though they are of the complex partial kind (e.g.,“smaller seizures”), when I witnessed one for the first time, it scared me. He wasn’t able to speak while it was happening, and he made strange sounds in addition to awkward movements with his hands.

Little did I know at that time the impact it would have on our lives. When epilepsy is under control, you don’t think about it. But when it is out of control, causing six or eight seizures a day, you can’t help but think about all the time.

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The Impact of Epilepsy on Our Lives

Gradually, the seizures got worse until it impacted his work, home, and personal life. At work, supervisors did not understand his behavior and, at one point, asked him to take a leave of absence. He missed opportunities for advancement due to his employer knowing he struggled so much with seizures, and because of this his focus was impacted. At one point, I even contacted an attorney who said nothing could be done unless Mark was fired for having seizures.

Mark could no longer drive, meaning I had to do it. This impacted me so profoundly that I became resentful, both with our relationship and with epilepsy. To me, it was the thief that took away my normally laid-back and smiling husband and took away parts of our relationship. He began to withdraw more and played video games for hours at a time, struggled to talk about “it” and his feelings, and lost the ability to focus on our relationship and look forward to our wedding and life after.

It became hard for me to cope. I had few friends and felt no one understood. How could they? No one I knew what I was going through. I didn’t want to go out much with him to social events, as I feared the embarrassing attention a seizure might attract. I hate to say that, but it’s how I felt at the time.

Once we moved out of state, Mark got better medication and his seizures have since been controlled.

Looking back, there is a lot I would have done differently. I waited too long to get Mark support from a therapist for his physical condition and for his emotional well-being, and waited too long to get couples counseling to help us manage the challenging realities of life with epilepsy, for both partners.

Recommendations for Caregivers for People with Epilepsy

I recommend caregivers seek support from as many friends, family, and neighbors as possible and reach out frequently. I wasn’t as willing to reach out to the few friends I had as I should have been, even though I felt isolated and alone.

I also think it’s helpful for caregivers to find some respite through social outings. Going out to dinner, a movie, or bowling can help you feel connected and replenish your emotional reserves.

Pursue local resources that may be available to you as well. For us, a support group for people with epilepsy and their loved ones would have made a world of difference. With the internet at our fingertips, resources including message boards and local support groups are much easier to find and participate in.

The Importance of Self-Care

I recommend caregivers take time for self-care: good eating habits, consistent exercise, plenty of restful sleep. I have learned that the more stressful the experience, the more self-care is needed to maintain good mental health. Find ways to relax through deep breathing, meditation, massage, and stretching. It can also be helpful to find a creative outlet through art, writing, or crafts.

Both people with epilepsy and those who support them can feel overwhelmed, hopeless, and helpless at times.

As a caregiver, it can be easy to allow resentment, guilt, or compassion fatigue to set in, but remind yourself that epilepsy impacts the whole family. It’s no one’s fault, and it’s no one individual’s problem. Like your loved one, you need to be cared for and supported through this difficult journey. The more you take care of yourself and get support, the better the caregiver you are able to be.

Lastly, maintaining a sense of humor through the experience is important. Epilepsy can take over your world like an unwelcome visitor and seemingly become the center of everything. Find what tickles your funny bone and come back to it as needed. Laughing reduces your stress response, relieves tension, improves your mood, and can make it easier to deal with difficult situations (Mayo Clinic Staff, 2016).

In closing, remember to keep the faith. Both people with epilepsy and those who support them can feel overwhelmed, hopeless, and helpless at times. Keep looking for support until you find it—from medical practitioners, from friends, from your community. Remember to support each other as well, because you’re in it together.

Reference:

Mayo Clinic Staff. (2016). Stress relief from laughter? It’s no joke. Retrieved from http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/stress-relief/art-20044456

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I’ve been seeing this wonderful girl for over three years now, and my parents still have not warmed up to her. She and I are a perfect fit, very compatible, but not too similar. We introduce one another to new experiences, resolve our differences pretty well, and have fun together. It seems like the only piece missing is the fact my parents—whole family, really—don’t approve. They’re nice enough when we’re all together and have never been cruel to her outright, but my sister has made comments on the side about how I “could do better,” and my dad says vaguely insulting things like, “I always pictured you with someone … different.” I’ve also heard them mock her voice and make some jokes at her expense.

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I’ve never asked what, exactly, they find fault with, but if I had to register a guess it would be that my girlfriend didn’t go to college and has a nontraditional job. She’s not a deadbeat, by any means, and she’s still one of the smartest people I’ve ever met. She just doesn’t fit their view of what a well-educated person on a definite career track looks like. Otherwise, she blends very well with my family in terms of humor, ideology, political beliefs—pretty much any category that actually matters.

I really, really want to marry this woman, and could see myself popping the question in the next six months to a year, except that I desperately want my family on my side when I do. We’re a relatively small, tight-knit group, and it’s important to me that they at least see my love for her and understand she’s here to stay. Does this require a family meeting-type scenario to iron out our differences? Or should I just forge ahead and hope they jump on board and become supportive soon? —Meet the Mockers

Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist

Dear Mockers,

This is quite the dilemma. It sounds like you have found a partner with whom you’d like to build a life. While this is a beautiful thing, it is complicated by your family’s less-than-enthusiastic embrace of her. I imagine this leaves you feeling pulled between the people you love most.

I’m curious about how you have handled the times when your sister declares that you can do better or your dad says he imagined you with someone else. Do you push back against this and let them know this is a woman you love deeply and with whom you can imagine spending your life? If you have not, I wonder if talking to them about how serious you are about this woman and how unacceptable you find their remarks to be would sufficiently address the issue. Perhaps if they knew she was here to stay and you wouldn’t accept them being unkind to her, they would realize they needed to get on board, as you say.

I’m curious about how you have handled the times when your sister declares that you can do better or your dad says he imagined you with someone else. Do you push back against this and let them know this is a woman you love deeply and with whom you can imagine spending your life?

I find myself wondering if your girlfriend is aware of your family’s lukewarm feelings toward her. If she is aware, how does she feel about it? Does this cause any conflict between the two of you in your relationship? If she is aware of their feelings, perhaps a “family meeting-type scenario,” including her, as you suggest could be helpful for everyone involved. You may even want to enlist the help of a family therapist to help everyone talk through the conflict.

I’m also curious about the dynamics in your family. Is your sister in a serious relationship? Are you the first to try to bring someone new into the family? For some families, this can feel threatening in a sense. They might even see her introduction to the scene as a threat to your place in their lives.

Hopefully, through some conversations with your family, possibly including your girlfriend and/or a family therapist, everyone can come together. If not, you might need to decide how to proceed with your relationship with your girlfriend without your family’s support. These situations can be very painful, and you might find it helpful to partner with a therapist to help you process your feelings and determine the best course of action.

Kindly,

Sarah

Do you consider yourself a people pleaser?

Do you find yourself saying “yes” to people only to regret it moments later?

Do you tend to put others’ needs before your own?

If you answered in the affirmative to any of the above questions, it may serve you to become better at saying “no.”

William Ury, in his book The Power of a Positive No: Save the Deal, Save the Relationship—and Still Say No, suggests the dilemma we encounter in saying “no” often stems from an internal struggle between plugging into our own sense of power and a simultaneous desire to cater to, or foster, a relationship. Ury says we often find ourselves doing one of three things in response to a request:

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1. Accommodate. We say yes when we really want to say no. This brings us a temporary, false sense of peace, later be replaced with apprehension and resentment. We defer to the relationship with no regard for our power and ironically end up undermining the relationship in the long run.
2. Attack. We often do this with those we love the most, the ones we take for granted. We say “no” aggressively, stepping strongly into our power, but with no regard or attention to the connection with the other person.
3. Avoid. We don’t prioritize our personal power OR the relationship; in other words, everybody loses. We dishonor ourselves and amp up our own discomfort by leaving something unresolved and disrespect the other person by not providing them with an answer.

It’s important to be able to say no so you feel empowered while still maintaining your relationships with others. Saying no helps you establish healthy boundaries and enables others to have clarity about what they can expect from you.

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Some people question what to do when they don’t have an immediate answer to an inquiry. It’s okay to take a little time to think about your response. To keep yourself from avoiding altogether, provide a deadline by which you need to decide what your answer will be. Tell the other person something like, “I need to give your request some thought. I will let you know by noon Friday.” This deadline keeps you accountable and ensures that you honor both the relationship and yourself by providing a concrete reply in a reasonable time frame.

Being able to say no may enable you to be more honest and authentic with others. You may be less likely to feel taken advantage of, and people may learn to come to you for the things to which you are more inclined to say yes.

A helpful strategy that can enable you to say no with greater ease is to gain clarity around the kinds of things to which you want to say yes. Make a list of your top three priorities (and understand that they may change). Post these priorities where you will see them all the time: your bathroom mirror, your nightstand, your laptop, your car’s dashboard. When someone asks something of you, check to see if it will serve any of the things you declared you wanted to put your time and energy toward. If the answer is yes, feel free to answer the inquiry affirmatively. If it is not in line with your objectives, say no.

Be clear, confident, consistent, and concise. It’s not necessary to offer a lot of information to explain your reasoning (in fact, sometimes it can invite challenges to your “no”). However, you can say something about the kinds of things you are willing to do, or the time frame in which you might be in a better position to say yes. Doing so lets others know you are acknowledging the request, and demonstrates respect for the person who asked. Communicating to others that they’ve been heard can go a long way toward strengthening a relationship, even when you say no.

Another helpful strategy suggested by Ury is to have an “anchor phrase.” Examples might be “I have a policy …” or “I’d rather say no to you now rather than disappoint you later” or “I only volunteer in connection with a particular cause.” Once you have your anchor phrase, you can practice it. As a result of being proactive and prepared, you may be able to say no more confidently so you can say yes to things that are truly important to you.

Being able to say no may enable you to be more honest and authentic with others. You may be less likely to feel taken advantage of, and people may learn to come to you for the things to which you are more inclined to say yes. People may learn to respect your yes rather than take it for granted, you may find that your resources are allocated more appropriately, and your connection to, and communication with, others may be healthier as well.

Reference:

Ury, W. (2007). The Power of a Positive No: Save the Deal, Save the Relationship—and Still Say No. New York, NY: Bantam Dell.

Within the past several decades, a shift has been observed in the relationship patterns of many mothers and daughters. Many seem to have abandoned the traditional hierarchy of parent and child for a relationship of equals, identifying with each other more as “best friends.” BFF (“best friends forever”) mothers embrace their daughters’ lives, sharing them and, at times, walking in their footsteps.

A close, friendly mother-daughter relationship is not in itself a cause for concern. But when the boundaries of the relationship become blurred, this can lead to confusion regarding the distinct responsibilities and obligations, of both parent and child, over what behaviors are acceptable within the context of the relationship. This confusion may, in turn, may lead to behavior unrestricted by limits, on the part of either mother or daughter.

The New Mother-Daughter Relationship

Research has attempted to explain and explore the variables contributing to these mother-daughter best friend relationships. Authors Linda Perlman Gordon and Susan Morris Shaffer describe in their book, Too Close for Comfort: Questioning the Intimacy of Today’s New Mother-Daughter Relationship, what is referred to as a generation overlap, an intersection of lives that differs from anything seen in previous generations. Mothers and daughters today may shop at the same stores, utilize the same new technology, participate in the same social media apps (and possibly have some of the same friends or followers), and listen to the same music.  [fat_widget_right]

Some believe this generation overlap, and mother-daughter relationships in general, are made easier by a youth-fixated culture. In the article “My Mom Is My BFF,” Paige Williams writes of a stay-young revolution, where women are enticed and encouraged—some might say pressured—to think, act, and look young.  With the widespread availability and broad variety of technology and resources that promise to preserve youth, many mothers may find it fairly simple to recapture their years of young adulthood. And who better to morph with than a daughter, the one who likely most closely resembles their teenage selves?

Having their worlds so closely intertwined has made friendships between mothers and daughters more common than in generations past, something that is not necessarily harmful. After all, who doesn’t want a loving and caring relationship with their mother?

But these friendships may blur the distinctions between parent and child. If mother and daughter are best friends, what happens when the mother tries to parent, to speak out as a mother rather than a friend? Where do the lines get drawn? The danger of opting for the BFF route appears to lie in its potential to minimize, as well as distort, the parent-child relationship. When mothers and daughters are “besties” first and parent and child second, the maternal role—providing direction, support, and the tools needed to become a confident, self-sufficient adult—may be in jeopardy.

Mothers, Daughters, and Dating

Mothers and daughters who enjoy a close bond may share many details about their personal lives, dating details among them.

The dating world has always offered any number of challenges, among them the various rules, cultural norms, and aspects of etiquette often applied to dating individuals, particularly women. Some of these customs differ little from those of generations past, while others may be vastly different or newly established. In many cases, mothers may guide their daughters, using experience to navigate new challenges, as they also struggle with the unspoken rules of dating in a society that may encourage and expect them to balance a semblance of youth with the maternal role.

The current age of reality TV, smartphones, and social media give the term “being connected” a deeper level of meaning, in terms of dating. These technological advances have been shown to impact the development and progression of romantic relationships, but can they also contribute to the development of mother-daughter enmeshment?

Communication patterns between dating young adults today may in some cases differ significantly from those of the previous few decades, and parental involvement in teen and young adult relationships may be both more limited and more casual. Mothers who are friends with their daughters, or who want to be, may try to avoid setting strict rules, whether out of simple trust and support or in order to maintain their daughters’ good favor.

This may lead some mothers to work to become friends with their daughters’ dating partners. Some mothers may even come to act as “surrogate girlfriends,” displaying behavior that is friendly and supportive but may eventually cross the line into impropriety, even as it undermines the significance of their duties as a parent.

Mothers who assume a ‘surrogate girlfriend’ role may:

• Text their daughter’s significant other with random conversations (that go beyond asking for confirmation of whereabouts, etc.).
• Connect with their daughter’s partner on social media platforms regularly.
• Continue communicating with their daughter’s exes after breakups.
• Devote more attention to their daughter’s dating partner than to their adult relationships (their own partner or friends).

The Effects of an Enmeshed Relationship

When the roles of a mother and daughter become entangled, this is described as an enmeshed relationship. In an enmeshed relationship, a mother provides her daughter love and attention but tends to exploit the relationship, fortifying her own needs by living through her daughter. They both grow to depend on this type of arrangement, despite its dysfunction.

Susan Forward and Donna Frazier Glynn, authors of Mothers who Can’t Love: A Healing Guide for Daughters, explained this relationship as one where mothers depend on their daughters to fulfill all their needs for companionship, entertainment and a meaningful sense of identity. They call these mothers “mothers without borders,” as they tend to lack the ability to establish healthy boundaries. [amazon_affiliate]

Enmeshed relationships can have profound effects on daughters as they journey into adulthood. As Forward and Glynn explain, a daughter may not know “where she stops and her mom begins.” This may lead to developmental setbacks in the attempts of daughters to become independent, develop a sense of identity, and express themselves individually.

Enmeshed relationships can have profound effects on daughters as they journey into adulthood. As Forward and Glynn explain, a daughter may not know “where she stops and her mom begins.” This may lead to developmental setbacks in the attempts of daughters to become independent, develop a sense of identity, and express themselves individually. A daughter may also feel uncomfortable and sometimes resentful of her mother’s over-involvement in her dating life, but because the intrusion is often packaged as motherly love, they may give in to the familiar pattern of behavior.

Mothers who have unfulfilled needs, lack a romantic partner, and/or are affected be low self-esteem may look outside themselves to fill what feels empty inside. They may, thus, be more susceptible to the creation of these entangled relationships, especially with regard to the development of a “surrogate girlfriend” role, as connecting with a daughter’s partner may serve as somewhat of a replacement for what they feel is missing or lost.

I encourage daughters and mothers to consider the following:

Daughters, you may form hundreds of friendships and share your stories and life events with countless people. However, you will only have one mother. Enjoy the closeness that comes with this bond and the many ways you can be a part of each other’s worlds. Recognize that a large step for your growth into adulthood is developing the ability to think and respond as an individual. Part of this is having experiences of your own, separate from your mother. You will know your mother-daughter relationship is healthy when you feel safe venturing away from the nest.

Mothers, when you honor and value your role as a mother and demonstrate responsibility, respect, and healthy boundaries, you send the message to your daughter that you are willing to do this tough job because she is worth it. As you model for her not only the role of a mother, but that of a responsible adult, you are at the same time fortifying her self-esteem—and your own.

Gordon and Shaffer interviewed a mother who described it best: “We share best-friend moments, but she is not my best friend, that would rob her of what we really cherish – which is that I am and remain her mother.”

References:

1. Forward, S., & Frazier, D. (2013). Mothers who can’t love: A healing guide for daughters. New York, NY: HarperCollins.
2. Gordon, L. P., & Shaffer, S. M. (2009). Too close for comfort: Questioning the intimacy of today’s new mother-daughter relationship. New York, NY: Berkley Books.
3. Lieberman, D. J., Ph.D. (2010). Setting boundaries with difficult people. Lakewood, NJ: Viter Press.
4. Williams, P. (2012, April 22). My mom is my BFF. New York. Retrieved from http://nymag.com/news/features/mother-daughter-best-friends-2012-4