People pleasing is a way to reduce anxiety and eliminate stress. Some please to assure good feelings that come with positive responses like being approved of, admired, praised, or respected. Others please because of strong needs to avoid bad feelings that occur when, for example, others criticize, complain, or become angry. But there are some people who are not typical people pleasers. Instead, they live with intense anxiety that if they don’t behave in ways that elicit strong approval and avoid disapproval from others, the consequences will destroy their sense of well-being and safety. These are what I will refer to, for the purposes of this article, as terrified people pleasers.

Relationships and Terrified People Pleasers

Terrified people pleasers view the world as an impending source of danger. They tend to see relationships much like earthquakes and hurricanes: at any time, often with little warning, attachment to others can wreak great destruction in their lives. Vigilance and compliance become guidelines for safety.

Samantha walked into my office, and before I could ask, “What brings you here?” I found myself in the presence of an avalanche of feelings from someone who seemed to be a very angry, upset, frightened woman.

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“This is it. I can’t take it anymore,” she said. “All my friends are never available and selfish. I’m 63 years old, and I’m going to die alone. I’ve been seeing Marty on and off for 10 years, and he’s like everyone else: self-involved, stubborn, unloving or loving depending on his mood. I tell you, it’s enough! I’m so good to everyone, and they get what they want. I’m afraid to do things and be on my own, and I have to rely on people who always have time for each other but not for me. I’m tired of being angry and depressed and giving everyone what they want. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I can’t seem to enjoy anything. No one likes me, and I hate everyone.”

It would take many months for me to understand the narrative of Samantha’s life. In our early sessions, Samantha described her anger and unhappiness with her friends who didn’t appreciate how she was always there for them and never reciprocated. She described taking them to dinner, helping them move into apartments, visiting when they were sick: “I did all the things a good friend does. Do you think I really wanted to be so helpful and attentive? No, I didn’t. But I felt that I had to be the perfect friend or they would all drop me. I sort of feel dropped anyway. No one ever offers to help me with anything.”

Samantha repeats this pattern of behavior with Marty: “I always work hard to figure out what he wants, and I work very hard to provide it even when I want to say ‘no.’ Then I resent him, but I’m scared he’ll leave me if I ask for anything. So for the last 10 years, our relationship has been crazy in and out. We date, we’re lovers, we’re friends, we stop seeing each other for a while, and then it starts all over again. Mostly, I freak out if either one of us gets angry. I always worry he’s going to be critical or distant, and I‘m never sure if I want him to stay or leave, but I get panic attacks if I think he wants to leave.”

When we explored this experience that felt so one-sided, it became apparent Samantha never asked friends for help or indicated any wish to be celebrated: “I don’t know, I guess it never feels okay to ask for anything. I’m afraid they’ll say no, and I’ll feel hurt and angry. I think I really have the feeling that they don’t want to please me like I don’t really want to please them. But I have no choice. I have to do it or I’ll be hurt and alone.”

Family Origins and Terrified People Pleasing

As her story unfolded, I could visualize the frightened little girl who had been designated by her father to be responsible for her mother. Although never medically diagnosed, I believe Samantha’s mother was probably bipolar. She describes a mother of unpredictable extremes: the mother who danced around the kitchen was funny, silly, all hugs, and the mother who stayed in bed, was silent or angry, and made several suicide attempts. Her father, a rarely present man who worked too much, praised Samantha for taking good care of her mother and would tell her, “You’re my good girl doing your job for us to make sure mommy is okay.”

Her father and her brother, older by three years, were emotionally detached from Samantha and her mother. Samantha recalled, “I was 12. It was the second time my mother tried to kill herself. I found her in bed with an empty bottle of pills, hardly breathing. I called 911 and my father. I don’t know where my brother was. My father told me to go in the ambulance with my mother and stay with her. He told me what a good girl I was. I don’t remember if he came to the hospital. He must have come to take me home. I just remember feeling so alone. I also felt so good that I made my father happy. There wasn’t much I could do to get that feeling.”

Much like the experience with her parents, her compliance resulted only in the transient feeling of being loved. From day to day and perhaps minute to minute, Samantha could not depend on her parents for reliable and consistent loving feelings. How could she trust anyone to love her or want to be with her?

I learned that Samantha craved the feeling of being the good girl and feeling that her mother and father loved her: “There wasn’t much I could do that would make me feel my father loved me. It looked like he loved my brother, who he did things with and joked with. He didn’t talk with me much except when he would ask about mom and how she was doing. I could get wonderful, loving feelings from my mother. I knew just what to do. I’d come home early to be with her after school. I never brought friends home. I thought she’d be mad that I wasn’t totally there for her, but I also didn’t want them to see how she was. I knew something was wrong, but I couldn’t put it into words. What was so scary for me was I’d never know which mother I would encounter on any day. She could be funny and hug and love me, or depressed and silent and absent. I’d feel so abandoned and then helpless to figure out how to make her happy and get her back so she could love me.”

One day, Samantha came to her session looking agitated. She told me: “I need to tell you about something. This is the memory I can’t get out of my head. It’s excruciating.” She burst into sobs: “I was terrified every day that she would kill herself. She did. In my senior year, I was talking about going to the local college, and I felt she was upset with me. I don’t know if that’s true, but I was afraid I was abandoning her. I thought maybe she and my father would be mad that I might not still be able to watch over her. In February of my senior year, I came home on a cold, snowy day. She wasn’t in the kitchen, and I felt that scary feeling I always got when she was in the bedroom when I got home. I went upstairs to her room and I knew as soon as I opened the door. I can’t say any more.”

Samantha learned very early that her behavior could lead to terrifying consequences: In order to feel safe, it was required that she make her parents happy. The dread of making them unhappy created panic and terror. Her detached father gave her the feelings of being valued, loved, and connected only if she played her ascribed role of caring for her mother’s emotional life and keeping her alive. Her mother’s erratic and unpredictable emotional life made it difficult for Samantha to feel she had any ability to know, predictably, how to please her mother.

Samantha had no space to develop an identity other than “the daughter who pleases her parents.” Separation and individuation were not an option, as it was too dangerous to think about her own wishes, needs, and desires.

Ambivalent Anxious Attachment

Samantha’s inability to make satisfying attachments to the people in her life mirrored her early attachments in her family. Perhaps the best categorization of Samantha’s attachment style is “ambivalent anxious attachment.” In this kind of attachment, the connection is characterized by mistrust and worry, but the need for the attachment is nevertheless intense. This pattern of attachment repeats itself in Samantha’s friendships and in her relationship with Marty. Even when wanting to say “no” to their wishes, desires, and perspectives, she always agreed. Much like the experience with her parents, her compliance resulted only in the transient feeling of being loved. From day to day and perhaps minute to minute, Samantha could not depend on her parents for reliable and consistent loving feelings. How could she trust anyone to love her or want to be with her?

Samantha has begun to understand how she repeats her early attachment style. She is learning to use thinking to override the terror and panic which emerge when she starts to feel that Marty is angry with her or a best friend doesn’t return texts or invite her to social events. This awareness is helping to diminish the degree of anxiety that occurs when she feels she’s being abandoned. She also is starting to see that her anger is evoked when she is suspicious about what people think of her and want from her.

Samantha is struggling. But she is committed to working at making changes in her patterns of attachment. As she alters her expectations and reactions to the people in her life, I expect they will respond to her in new ways. She has become increasingly able, in the moment, to consider that her assessments of her relationships based on historical responses are likely to need revision. As we continue to work, I believe she will continue to strengthen the power of her thinking so she can override acting on her feelings. Significantly, Samantha is developing a positive sense of self which can consider that she is making progress. She is.

Note: To protect privacy, names in the preceding article have been changed and the dialogues described are a composite.

For those who celebrate Christmas, lying to children about the existence of Santa could harm parents’ relationships with their children, according to an essay published in The Lancet Psychiatry. In the piece, mental health researcher Kathy McKay and psychologist Christopher Boyle suggest parents may be motivated by a desire to return to their own childhoods. This means lying about Santa may not be a protective lie, and may instead erode children’s trust in their parents.

How Santa Affects Parent-Child Relationships

The two authors suggest parents may encourage children to believe in Santa as a way of reliving their own childhoods. Though this can be fun and nostalgic for parents, the lie may ultimately harm their relationship with their children.

Many parents teach their children lying is wrong, but children eventually find out Santa is not real. This can spur confusion and conflict. When children discover the lie, they may wonder what other lies their parents have told, the authors say.

[fat_widget_right]McKay and Boyle believe it is sometimes appropriate for parents to lie to protect their children. For example, rather than providing potentially upsetting details about the death of a pet, parents might conceal the death. In contrast, the authors say lying about Santa does not protect children. Because a child’s belief in Santa can make parents feel good, parents may be undermining their long-term credibility to feel a sense of magic for a few years.

Grace Malonai, PhD, LPCC, DCC, a psychologist who specializes in parenting, agrees that parental deception can undermine trust.

“Some children might gain cherished memories of St. Nick, while others might gain a sense of distrust in their parents and their world view,” Malonai said. “Highly sensitive, gifted, or other neuro-atypically developing children, such as those with autism, might be especially vulnerable to this type of parental deception.”

Parents’ Views on Santa

In 2011, the Associated Press and GFK Roper Public Affairs & Corporate Communications sponsored a survey of the general population that inquired about views on Santa. Eighty-four percent of parents said they had once believed in Santa. This supports the notion that parents nurture a belief in Santa partially because of fond memories from their childhoods.

Two-thirds of families called Santa an “important” part of Christmas. Conflicted feelings about Santa were also common, with nearly half of respondents arguing Santa detracts from the religious meaning of Christmas.

Expert Insight on Navigating the Myth of Santa

Malonai believes it is important for parents to consider family values in conjunction with their children’s sometimes differing personalities and traits.

“If you wish to uphold the idea of Father Christmas, choose your words wisely,” Maloani said. “Instead of outright lying, share stories of longstanding traditions and cultural heritage.”

Kathy Hardie-Williams, MEd, MS, NCC, LPC, LMFT, a therapist and former teacher who treats children and parents, endorses a similar approach.

“Children can enjoy Santa as a fictional character without being lied to by their parents,” Hardie-Williams said. “Just as children enjoy their favorite fairy-tale characters and even ‘meet them’ in Disneyland and in Disney World, children understand that their favorite fairy-tale character is not literal. I believe the same approach is effective when presenting the character of Santa Claus to children. Although not the intention, I believe the emotional impact of parents lying to children could be harmful. I believe it’s healthier to encourage children to enjoy the ‘magic’ of Santa Claus and Christmas by perceiving Santa as a fictional character within the context of telling a story.”

References:

1. Boyle, C., & McKay, K. (2016). A wonderful lie. The Lancet Psychiatry, 3(12), 1110-1111. doi:10.1016/s2215-0366(16)30363-7
2. Should parents lie to children about Santa? (2016, November 25). Retrieved from https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2016/11/161125104818.htm
3. The AP-GFK Poll [PDF]. (2011, December). Associated Press–GFK Roper Public Affairs & Corporate Communications.

We all experience love in one form or another. We all experience hurt and pain. It’s part of the human condition.

Likewise, people can be insensitive sometimes. They say or do things either intentionally or unintentionally that hurt others. At times, a careless action or critical remark can really hurt us, especially if we attach too much importance or meaning to it. The more closely connected we are to the person, the deeper the pain.

An infraction that is relatively minor or insignificant to one person may be devastatingly painful to another. For some, resentments are difficult to release. The tighter the hold, the harder it may be to let go.

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When ruminated about over a period of time, a resentment can transform into a grudge. If these negative feelings are left unresolved within ourselves, they can lead to unhappiness, bitterness, and permanent unforgiveness. Research has shown that prolonged anger can have devastating effects on our health and longevity.

Although we may feel justified in our anger, what can we do to stop feeling the pain and upset feelings that the hurt has caused? Not every infraction requires forgiveness. However, if the hurt is personal, profoundly deep, and seems unjust, the following ideas may help you begin to release your anger and bring back a sense of peace and joy.

1. Decide to Forgive Yourself

Remind yourself that you are doing the best you can at any given moment. Try not to replay the “what-ifs.” Validate your feelings by acknowledging your anger and pain. Anger is a helpful emotion that signals to us that something is wrong and needs to be corrected.

When you are ready, make a conscious choice to release the anger and hurt and let go of the past. Be kind to yourself and set yourself free from hurt. Being able to forgive solves many problems.

2. Decide to Forgive Others

Everyone is imperfect and flawed. Everyone makes mistakes every day. Everyone is doing the best they can given their personal life history and the impact that history has had on them.

Make a conscious decision to let go of offensive words and behavior. Decide to not let what others do or say have power over you. Stand firm in your truth.

3. Redirect Your Thoughts

What we believe may become true for us. Thoughts are powerful, either positive or negative. Dwelling on past hurts only serves to reinjure ourselves.

Challenge your negative thoughts and reframe them in a positive and more balanced way. Bitterness can cloud your vision and alter your perspective. Be truthful to yourself and allow yourself to be aware of how you may have hurt others in similar ways.

4. Change Your Perspective

Allow yourself to see things from a more positive perspective. Try being able to see the person or situation in a new light. Look for things that the person is doing right rather than emphasizing their flaws.

5. Live in the Present

Realize that the past is in the past. You only have the present moment to live in. Focus on what is going well right now, and try not to allow negative thoughts about the past to creep into your consciousness.

Our existence provides us both positive and negative experiences. Life offers us numerous opportunities to be hurt and offended by others. It can be difficult to let go of the past, forgive ourselves, forgive others, and try to experience life differently, but the benefits of forgiveness far outweigh the benefits of unforgiveness. Working toward creating a happier, more peaceful existence through forgiveness is worth the price.

If you’re struggling with forgiveness, contact a licensed therapist for compassionate support and guidance.

Reference:

Smedes, L. B. (1984). Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don’t Deserve. New York, NY: Harper Collins.

From the time children are born, they count on their parents to provide a sense of safety as they learn about the complex world around them. When a parent dies, it may create intense emotional upheaval for children old enough to understand what has happened. Often, children do not know what to do with those feelings. Surviving parents, guardians, and other adults have a difficult task in helping such children process their grief and move forward.

Perhaps the most important thing anyone can offer a child who has lost a parent is time. Grief does not happen on a specific timetable, and the process of grieving may look very different from one child to the next.

In addition, adults can encourage children to share their feelings safely and without judgment. It is helpful to refrain from using words such as “should” or “should not” when talking to children about a loss or trauma they experienced. Adults can also facilitate a sense of togetherness or shared struggle to ensure children do not feel alone in their grief, and encourage compassion and support among other kids or people in the child’s life.

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The specific challenges facing children who have lost a parent include:

• Accepting the significance of the loss (it changes them forever)
• Allowing the grief process to unfold on their own terms as they work through painful feelings
• Transitioning into an environment where the parent is no longer physically present
• Maintaining a sense of connection with the lost parent while allowing themselves to live their life

Surviving parents have the unique challenge of providing support for their children as well as processing their own grief. Some parents may feel inclined to grieve in private, believing it is in the children’s best interests to shield them from displays of pain. However, it is appropriate and healthy to allow children to see adults grieving because it signals that is okay to feel the impact of the loss and to openly express their own grief. The objective is to help children understand they are loved, supported, and far from alone in the grieving process.

Often one of the biggest challenges children face when they lose a parent is to accept that they may be experiencing many different feelings. This is normal, and it’s important for children to know that. It can be confusing when they feel emotions such as anger and yet miss their parent at the same time. Children may believe it’s better not to show emotion and that if they don’t, they may be able to forget about the parent they lost or forget the pain they feel. Caring adults need to let children know that when someone they love dies, it’s important to remember them and cherish the positive memories they have.

It’s important to help children understand that the goal is not to “get over” what happened, but to move toward acceptance. They will never get over it; the loss of a parent changes a child from that point on.

It’s important to help children understand that the goal is not to “get over” what happened, but to move toward acceptance. They will never get over it; the loss of a parent changes a child from that point on.

Adults often find it difficult to know what to say to children who have lost a parent. Others may be wary of bringing up difficult feelings in children or reopening emotional wounds. As a result, the topic may be avoided altogether, creating an “elephant in the room” effect and contributing to feelings of isolation.

The primary goals for caring adults in the lives of children who have lost a parent are to encourage them to accept their feelings rather than push them away and to offer support whenever it is needed. Often during the grief process, children will move back and forth through the various stages of grief. Being available to listen whenever they’re ready to talk may be what is most comforting to them.

Ultimately, children need to know that there is no “right way” to get through the grief process. Everyone experiences it differently, and children should be encouraged not to judge themselves if the way they experience their grief is different from the way someone else does.

Optimistic women may live longer than women who are not optimistic, according to a study published in the American Journal of Epidemiology. The study assessed optimism levels in more than 70,000 older women in 2004 and 2008. The average participant was 70 years old when the study began.

Optimistic women had lower rates of potentially lethal conditions. Women ranked in the 75^th optimism percentile or higher had a decreased risk of death due to cancer, stroke, heart disease, and respiratory infections. The researchers found optimism was an especially effective preventative for heart disease. Optimistic women were 40% less likely to face cardiovascular disease, even when researchers controlled for other cardiovascular risk factors.

Several other studies have also found a link between optimism and better physical and mental health. Previous research also suggests optimism is 75% due to social circumstances and under a person’s control, while the other 25% is heritable.

Mental Health Care Gets a Boost from 21st Century Cures Act

The U.S. Senate passed the 21st Century Cures Act on Wednesday, and experts are calling it the most significant law for mental health since 2008. The bill increases funding for research into diseases, shortens timelines for new drug approvals, and makes mental health care more of a priority by strengthening parity and offering earlier intervention in cases of psychosis. It also recognizes the short supply of psychologists and psychiatrists in the country, and includes grants to increase the number of people in these positions to offer quality mental health care.

How the U.S. Army Personalized its Mental Health Care

[fat_widget_right]The United States Army’s Behavioral Health Data Portal (BHDP) aims to create a personalized approach to mental health care by collecting patient data and outcomes. It allows health providers to follow patients over time, even when they transition to new providers. The BHDP was developed in response to the steep increase in mental health issues many veterans have experienced after returning from conflict zones in Afghanistan and Iraq.

Dementia Rates Might Be Declining, New Study Finds

According to records of 21,000 seniors, dementia rates have been in decline since 2000. Researchers suspect better treatments for cardiovascular disease and diabetes might partially account for the drop. The rising amount of adults who pursue higher education might also be a factor in the declining rate of dementia. However, a drop in the rate of dementia does not necessarily mean the total number of adults with Alzheimer’s is also decreasing, according to the Alzheimer’s Association.

Community Groups Keep Us Mentally Sharp As We Age

A large representative study of adults in the United Kingdom suggests involvement in community groups could prevent age-related cognitive decline. Volunteer organizations, neighborhood watch teams, and civic organizations all appeared to improve cognitive skills in aging adults. These activities can give older adults what researchers call social capital, which can help reduce loneliness, isolation, and stress.

Rhythm of Breathing Affects Memory and Fear

Researchers from Northwestern University have found the way people breathe affects electrical activity in the brain, altering emotion and memory. According to the study, breathing through the nose increases fearful responses and heightens memory. This provides clues to how the immediate physical reaction to trauma and other upsetting events might change the way the brain processes and stores memories associated with such events.

Surgeon General Sounds the Alarm on Teens and E-Cigarettes

According to a report from the U.S. Surgeon General, electronic cigarette use among high schoolers increased 900% between 2011 and 2015. The rate of use among middle schoolers tripled in the same time frame. The report notes that adolescents’ developing brains may be more vulnerable to the effects of nicotine—potentially leading to future addiction—and encourages a national push to combat use of e-cigarettes among young people.

Malta Outlaws ‘Conversion Therapy,’ a First in Europe

Malta has become the first country in Europe to outlaw conversion therapy, a controversial and largely discredited practice that aims to change someone’s gender identity or sexual orientation. If someone in Malta is caught practicing or promoting conversion therapy, according to the new law, they are likely to face high fines and possible jail time.

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

My husband and I have been together for five years and have a great marriage that includes a very satisfying and active sex life. I’ve never cheated on him, and to my knowledge he’s always been faithful to me. But I have always been a natural flirt. It’s almost instinctive. The words come out of my mouth before I even realize what they are sometimes, and I’ll touch someone’s arm or shoulder before I even realize I’ve done it.

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Part of it is that I’m a social butterfly, and my ease in relating to others has won me a lot of friends over the years. But the flirting gets me into trouble sometimes, and I’m not sure what to do about it. Don’t get me wrong: I flirt with my husband more than anyone. But I also flirt with other men (and even women sometimes) in front of him, and while he never said much about it in our first couple of years together, he tends to point it out a lot now, and has admitted it bothers him.

I want to respect my husband’s feelings, and I really don’t mean to hurt him. At the same time, by stifling what comes naturally to me, even when the flirting is innocuous, I feel like I am stifling an essential part of my personality. What can I do to reconcile this? —Flirting with Disaster

Dear Flirting with Disaster,

So your flirtatious behavior is hurtful to your partner, you know it, and you’re doing it anyway. What is the possible “disaster” you allude to? Is it breaking up with your husband or something else?

You say the flirting is innocuous, but I’m not so sure it is if it gets you into trouble with your husband. Accurate or not, from your words it sounds a bit like you’re looking for trouble.

Flirting comes naturally for you, and you feel you would be “stifling an essential part” of your personality if you didn’t flirt. Is it possible that using the label “natural flirt” to describe yourself—which sounds like talking up an enviable talent or skill—is a way for you to downplay the behavior and its potential ramifications? Being good at something doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a good thing to do.

You say you are a social butterfly and thus have a lot of friends. That is a good thing. How would you describe the “butterfly” part of yourself? Where does it come from? Do social butterflies always flirt? What would you lose if you didn’t flirt the way you do? Would people still like you and want to be around you?

You say the words sometimes come out of your mouth before you know you’re saying them. That can certainly lead to disaster. It might be worthwhile, in social situations, to train yourself to pause and think before you speak. I’d venture to say social success goes beyond the simple measures of how effortlessly you banter or many people you attract. Considering the implications of your words and behaviors before they become actions is an essential part of effective communication.

I don’t know much about you from your letter, but I have worked with people in therapy for whom flirting was a way of feeling close, reassured, important, and loved by others. It’s possible to have many friends and be lonely in certain ways. If I were your therapist, I would explore this possibility with you to see whether there might be some loneliness—perhaps emotional or existential rather than physical in nature—under the surface of your behavior.

You write that your husband has admitted your flirting bothers him. You also write that you flirt with others in front of him, which doesn’t sound innocuous.

I’m not your therapist, of course, so I urge you to work with a therapist near you who can help you get to the root of all this. It may also be worthwhile to see a marriage counselor with your husband, as couples counseling can help you both open up safely and understand each other better. Sometimes, the most important part of communication is simply feeling heard, and therapy creates an impartial space for that to happen.

You write that your husband has admitted your flirting bothers him. You also write that you flirt with others in front of him, which doesn’t sound innocuous. He may feel belittled. Many people wouldn’t like being in that position. Perhaps your aim is to tease him? If it is, does he know that? Does it matter?

What does his anger mean to you? Does it make you mad at him? Do you resent him or feel he’s overreacting? Do you listen, acknowledge his feelings, and pledge to honor them? Where do things go off track?

I guess I’m concerned that flirting with others is already causing problems in your marriage, and those problems may grow. It’s easier to work on problems before they get too big, or entrenched, in a relationship. Relationship problems tend to worsen if they are not addressed. Where might that lead in your case?

Do I sound a little extreme? Maybe. But something in what you’re not saying makes me hear an alarm bell going off between the lines.

Thank you for writing bravely and honestly about this issue and how you’re contributing to it. I hope you find a solution, perhaps with the help of counseling, so that you and your husband can enjoy many mutually happy years together.

Sincerely,

Lynn

There have been countless articles—including some of my own—about the hazards of so-called “helicopter parenting,” the current trend of over-watchful, over-involved child rearing (also known as cosseting). By now, many people are familiar with stories of adult children who can’t leave home because they lack life skills, anxious teens whose schedules rival those of corporate CEOs, and parents who expect their toddlers to learn Mandarin and excel in five sports.

But in these times, when many of us feel alienated from our government, our neighbors, and sometimes our families, it’s worthwhile to rethink the benefits of kids being more connected to their parents. After all, parents started parenting this way for a reason. We were reacting against the free-form, unbounded childhoods we experienced, in which many of us faced daily dangers and years of floundering without oversight or steady guidance. We were the kids who came home to empty houses and wandered the neighborhood all afternoon, getting ourselves into physically and emotionally treacherous experiences. Because our parents were afraid to broach the subjects of sex, drugs, and violence, we got the information from our friends, who got all sorts of details wrong. As a result, many grew up feeling unseen, unsupported, and confused.

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While helicoptering has its flaws—most notably how it often fails to teach kids how to think on their own and make bold decisions in the face of uncertainty—it also has many advantages, some of which have gone unheralded. Here are some of the reasons parents may choose to be very involved in their kids’ lives, and some of the benefits to both children and society.

1. These kids feel supported.

Children, from the millennial generation to the current one, typically know that their parents have their backs. They grow up with a sense of security, knowing a framework is around them. This might give them more freedom to fail and to experiment, because someone is there to provide a net. Yes, young adults these days move in with their parents more often and rely on their families for financial support more than ever before. But this also allows them time to grow without as much pressure and danger as previous generations experienced.

Research has shown recently how the brain does not fully mature until our mid- to late-20s. Knowing this, why aren’t we more accepting of the idea that a 21-year-old college graduate might still need more time to feel fully launched? The average age to get married and have children has increased over the past few decades, and many people accept the idea that it might help to be more mature before leaping into these commitments. Likewise, young adults are taking longer to enter the workforce or buy a home; although economic factors contribute to that reality, couldn’t it be argued that it’s not necessarily the worst thing to delay these moves until they’re adequately prepared?

2. These kids feel seen and known.

Alice Miller writes in The Drama of the Gifted Child how parents who are preoccupied with meeting their own needs first can create children who feel unseen. Today’s parenting, however, tends to be highly focused on the child instead of the parents’ needs. While a degree of balance would be ideal, the value of this imbalance is that children these days know they are fully understood by their families. These kids get therapy, school testing, vocational evaluations, extracurricular trainings, and more. And while they may be overscheduled and over-observed, they are also privy to a large amount of information about their temperaments, skills, and interests.

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The great thing about that is this generation of kids may not have as much of a struggle, or take as long, as previous generations did to know themselves. They may be able to make better partnerships and be better parents because they are not, as Miller writes, struggling to heal old wounds and blindly fighting the shadows of the past.

3. These kids have a sense of community and connectedness.

In the essay that spurred my thinking on this topic, Jennifer Trainor writes, “What if we are moving away from individualism and autonomy (with its requirements that we push away from our parents, rebel against the establishment and its institutions, like school) and entering a much more connected, inter-dependence?”

There are real benefits to doing something you’re bad at. It increases resilience, teaches how to hold onto self-esteem, and reduces perfectionism.

Trainor is asking this: Are we looking for the kind of communalism that marked American life in the beginning of the last century, when families lived with or nearby each other, neighbors helped one another, and people intrinsically trusted the government to be benevolent and generous? And does that desire to be close to others both encourage today’s parents to dote on their children and allow the children to stay close and reliant on their parents? A century ago, there was nothing wrong with, say, expecting your parents to help raise your children or provide you with a job. This gave people a sense of kinship and lineage. It sounds much more pleasant than the current overarching sense of alienation and existential loneliness.

4. These kids benefit from doing stuff they’re not good at.

Yes, our kids tend to have too many activities, leaving them without enough unstructured play time. But it also pushes them to persevere at pursuits they might not have thought of on their own, even though they may not excel at them. Thirty years ago, kids tended to gravitate toward one pastime—usually something they had an affinity for—and stuck with it. We rarely tried our hands at many different sports or arts, and as as result we were less well-rounded.

There are real benefits to doing something you’re bad at. It increases resilience, teaches how to hold onto self-esteem, and reduces perfectionism. To be the slowest runner on the soccer field week after week demands a huge amount of persistence, which years later can give kids a major leg up in the business world.

5. These kids have tried a little of everything and thus are better equipped to make good career choices.

Speaking of the business world, trying their hand at so many recreational activities may also help this generation of children to pick job fields. Compared to teens of the past, they may have a higher awareness of themselves at a young age. The parents who have driven them to music lessons, football games, and chess club meetings have instilled in these kids the knowledge that they are good at organization, perhaps, or lousy at spatial relations. These pieces of information give them a sense of what they have to offer to employers and which fields might be best avoided.

6. These kids will take care of us (and pass on the same family values).

Finally, there’s an upside to parents as well as to kids. In addition to having children who like us and want to stay in touch, we may also be creating a community with an overall sense of family connectedness. As they grow, children who were parented closely often want to remain close. Perhaps this will diminish the fears we have about an aging society, where seniors become lonely and neglected. Perhaps, just perhaps, helicoptered children may someday hover over their parents and return the favor.

There’s a lot of fear in society about the ways technology creates distance and isolation. We look at the younger generations with their heads buried in their phones and wonder if they will know how to make conversation or form connections. But we forget that, even on those phones, they are in constant communication—not only with their friends, but with us. Through this lens, helicopter parenting might be considered an antidote to the loneliness of the digital age, a way to create snug, loving bonds with our children.

References:

1. Miller, A. (1997). The Drama of the Gifted Child. New York, NY: Basic Books.
2. Trainor, J. (2016, March 7). Does Helicopter Parenting Harm Kids’ Ability to Think for Themselves? Retrieved from https://medium.com/@jstrainor/lythcott-haims-book-led-me-to-terry-castle-s-2012-essay-about-helicopter-parenting-an-essay-that-5732281d6ce1#.sferakci8

If your partner’s anger leaves you feeling drained, hurt, or unsure how to respond, you’re not alone. Many people in relationships struggle to navigate intense emotions in ways that protect both their well-being and their connection. An angry partner’s behaviors can strain communication, erode trust, and damage the relationship’s health.

The good news is that you can take steps to respond calmly, protect yourself emotionally, and create space for healthier interactions. Drawing on therapeutic principles, here are eight strategies for dealing with an angry partner and restoring harmony in your relationship.

Understanding the Impact of Anger in Relationships

When anger becomes a regular presence in a relationship, it can harm emotional safety and trust. Anger can be detrimental to relationships when it’s expressed through criticism, defensiveness, or hostility. It may leave you feeling unheard, frustrated, and disconnected.

However, learning to respond constructively—not with equal anger—can shift the dynamic. Using skills like emotional regulation, respectful communication, and boundary setting, you can protect your well-being and possibly encourage positive change in your partner.

8 Strategies for Dealing with an Angry Partner

1. De-escalate and Neutralize Emotionally

If you try to control an angry partner, they may become defensive and even less cooperative. Instead of reacting with your own anger, recognize their feelings and stay calm. The calmer you remain, the quicker their anger is likely to subside.

The ultimate goal of de-escalation is to reduce emotional intensity and redirect the conversation toward cooperation.

2. Be Assertive and Respectful

Assertiveness means expressing your needs and boundaries clearly, while respecting your partner’s feelings. This approach shows confidence and honesty without aggression. When you communicate assertively, you empower both yourself and your partner to take responsibility for their role in the relationship.

3. Communicate Constructively, Understand, and Validate

People often become angry when they feel unheard, dismissed, or unappreciated. Actively listening—without judgment—can help de-escalate their anger.

Validation doesn’t mean agreeing with everything your partner says; it means acknowledging their perspective and emotions. You might say, “What I hear you saying is ____. Is that correct?” This slight shift can make your partner feel respected and understood.

If you’re struggling to find common ground, consider finding a therapist who can guide you both toward more constructive conversations.

4. Practice Patience and Compassion

Beneath anger often lie more vulnerable emotions like sadness, fear, or pain. While anger may help someone feel in control temporarily, it can cause long-term harm to both partners. Practicing compassion toward your partner can help shift the focus from blame to empathy.

Patience allows you to pause before reacting, creating room for more thoughtful responses and mutual understanding. While patience helps keep emotions in check, it’s also important to consider which conflicts truly need addressing—some disagreements are better set aside.

5. Pick Your Battles and Think Long-Term

Not every disagreement needs to become a conflict. Choosing which issues are worth addressing can protect your energy and the relationship.

Let go of minor grievances and focus on the topics that truly matter for your shared future. Exercising restraint can sometimes be the wisest strategy.

6. Reflect on Your Actions and Understand the Triggers

Being accountable for your role in conflicts can reduce defensiveness on both sides. Consider what actions may trigger their anger and how you can adjust your own responses.

Greater awareness often leads to more constructive behavior and improved relationship health.

7. Address Your Challenge When Your Partner Is Calm

Problem-solving is rarely effective when emotions are running high. Wait until both you and your partner are calm before addressing concerns.

If your partner has a pattern of angry behavior, use the calmer moments to discuss underlying issues and explore solutions.

8. Think Influence, Not Control

You cannot control another person, but you can influence them by modeling respectful behavior and creating an environment that supports cooperation.

Treating your partner with kindness, even when tensions are high, may increase the likelihood of positive change. The saying, “You catch more flies with honey than vinegar,” applies here—empathy and patience can open the door to better communication.

When to Seek Professional Support

Self-help strategies can be powerful, but there are times when professional intervention is necessary. Consider reaching out to a therapist if:

• Your partner’s anger feels threatening

• The anger is frequent and intense

• You feel unsafe, emotionally drained, or unable to communicate effectively

A trained professional can help both of you explore underlying causes and develop healthier patterns.

The GoodTherapy Approach

For over 17 years, GoodTherapy has been committed to connecting people with ethical, compassionate therapists. Our therapist directory includes professionals specializing in anger management, relationship counseling, and emotional regulation.

If you’re struggling to navigate a partner’s anger, remember you don’t have to face it alone. A qualified therapist can help you both develop healthier communication and coping strategies—find a therapist today who can support your relationship’s growth.

As we grow and develop from children to young adults, we listen and learn from the world and others around us. When others listen to and learn from us, we learn that our needs are valid and that we are valuable. We learn that we are individuals with our own identities and our own ideas and sets of behaviors. When our environment is healthy, we grow into adults with a healthy sense of self. We learn that our opinions and thoughts are important. We know who we are.

Those who do not grow up in a healthy environment—perhaps one scarred by emotional or physical abuse, neglect, or over-parenting—may not develop a sense of self in the same way. Their identities may have been minimally acknowledged, if at all. When feelings and thoughts are ignored in childhood, children may grow up not recognizing that they have their own ideas and sets of behaviors. If children are forced to yield to others’ thoughts, wants, and needs continually over time, the development of their identity may suffer. As they grow into adults, they may question, “Who am I?”

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Adults who do not have a solid sense of self at times may rely on the opinions, feelings, and thoughts of others. They may yield to their friends’ sense of fashion, buy a car that is deemed “popular,” or participate in activities they do not truly enjoy. They may allow others to make decisions for them. As this pattern continues, it can leave a person feeling depressed or anxious about choices they make and what their lives have become. They may feel helpless or even hopeless at times. Unfortunately, as this pattern continues, their sense of self may further deteriorate, leaving them feeling less and less connected to themselves.

When we have our own sense of identity, we are better able to make decisions and navigate life with more ease. We are able to include friends and partners in our lives who are emotionally healthy and with whom we can share ourselves in a healthy way. Learning about ourselves and developing a solid sense of identity can help us feel more fulfilled and happy because we are better able to guide our lives to what we desire.

The following tips can help you develop a better sense of who you are and increase self-awareness:

1. Get to Know Yourself

Begin making a list of things about you. This may feel intimidating at first, so start small. For example, make a list of five to seven easy “favorites,” such as your favorite color, favorite ice cream flavor, favorite movie, favorite flower, and favorite food. Create a new list once or twice per week and aim to include five to seven items per list. Make a list of smells you enjoy, such as warm cookies or freshly cut grass. List books you enjoyed reading or would like to read in the future. Make a list of your favorite video games or board games as a child. List states and countries you’d like to visit. Over time, expand and grow your lists to thoughts about political views, hobbies, career choices, and any other items that pique your interest. If you feel stuck, ask friends and family for suggestions about new topics.

Over time, not only will you get to know yourself better and slowly recognize your individuality, but you may begin feeling more confident in your ability to do so.

2. Listen to Your Mind and Body

If you pay attention to them, feelings and physical cues can help you develop awareness of your likes and dislikes.

Your feelings and body can tell you a lot about your thoughts and interests. When you participate in activities such as drawing, sports, or social events, how do you feel? Do you laugh and feel happy? Are you tense or relaxed? During what types of movies do you laugh or cry?

If you pay attention to them, feelings and physical cues can help you develop awareness of your likes and dislikes.

3. Begin Making Decisions

Decision-making is a skill built over time. Like a muscle, this behavior needs to be flexed to develop and stay fit.

When making decisions with friends about the next dinner get-together, be sure to cast your vote about the location and meeting time. Discuss with your partner your opinions about the remodeling of the bathroom. When grocery shopping for the family, don’t forget to pick up food you personally enjoy. Buy that new sweater you want even if you’re not sure anyone else will like it. When your friend or partner asks if you’d like to see the 7:30 or 9:30 show, state a preference instead of deferring. Have a voice and let it be heard.

4. Take Charge

As you begin to develop a sense of your interests, begin planning activities once or twice a week that engage your senses. Call a friend and invite them to participate in an activity you enjoy, or make a date with yourself and plan a fun day. Take a walk in the park, go to the market, see a new movie, sign up for the company softball event, or all of the above.

Most importantly, get out there and have fun doing what you love.

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

My oldest child is 7, and many of his friends receive an allowance from their parents for doing chores around the house. I never gave the idea of an allowance much thought, as I didn’t receive an allowance for chores as a kid and don’t personally feel it’s necessary. But seeing his peers spend money and buy things for themselves (nothing major, just small toys or candy) makes my son want the same freedom. Plus, I’m facing a shocking amount of criticism from other parents in my son’s friend circle. I had no idea this was such a contentious issue! Those parents all say that giving an allowance teaches kids the importance of earning money through hard work, as well as the value of saving money, spending it wisely, etc.

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Of course, like any parent, I do see the merit of providing an incentive for tasks, especially when so often it’s like pulling teeth to even get them to put a dish in the sink. But I also feel strongly that chores are not the type of labor that deserves a reward, since contributing to household duties is something they will have to do their whole lives without compensation. In many ways, I feel like offering an allowance is instilling in them the idea that they’re entitled to payment for doing chores that are not above and beyond the scope of expected responsibilities.

Is there an argument for or against an allowance from a long-term mental health standpoint? Or is there a certain age when it’s better to introduce an allowance system? I know in the grand scheme of parenting the issue of an allowance, either issued or withheld, probably will not “make or break” a kid. Just curious whether you have any insights about lasting lessons a child might learn one way or the other. Thanks! —Raincheck, Please

Dear Raincheck,

This is such a great parenting question!

The first part I’d like to address is the criticism you are getting from peers. You are entitled to make parenting choices that work for you and your family that are aligned with your family’s unique values. The judgment you are feeling from the other parents is unfortunate—and ultimately their issue, not yours.

I’d also like to separate the two issues of chores and allowance. Chores are great for kids, assuming they are age-appropriate. They teach competence, life skills, and the importance of contributing to the family (something that combats entitlement and enhances gratitude). It is absolutely okay to expect your children, even as young as 3 or 4, to contribute to the household by picking up, feeding animals, setting and clearing the table, and other achievable tasks.

You are also correct that combining allowance and chores can be problematic. It shifts the focus from contributing to the family as an expectation, or social relationship, to a fee for service, or business relationship. What happens if your child feels he doesn’t need the money? Does that excuse him from feeding the dog? Combining the two also runs the risk of fostering a sense of entitlement—I’ve heard many kids, when asked to do something for their parents, ask, “What will you give me?” If they have been trained to believe task equals payment, this reaction is to be expected.

The allowance does not have to be exorbitant. It does not need to match what your child’s peers are getting. There will be plenty of times over the course of your parenting life when your children will compare their treatment to that of their peers (today, allowance—soon, phones and cars). You are under no obligation to match what their peers or peers’ parents are doing.

An allowance, however, is also pretty terrific for children. It teaches them the value of money. It gives them some independence. It allows them to contribute financially to gifts for friends or family and feel some pride and ownership. It also encourages them to learn about decision-making and delayed gratification. If they want a toy that costs $15, do they want to spend their savings on trinkets that cost $2,if they know it will delay their ultimate goal?

Allowances also encourage conversations about values. Some parents set up a system by which kids put money in spend-save-share jars. The share part is for donating to a cause of their choice. If that is something you want to encourage, there’s no better way to teach that lesson than having them involved in deciding what to give and to whom.

The allowance does not have to be exorbitant. It does not need to match what your child’s peers are getting. There will be plenty of times over the course of your parenting life when your children will compare their treatment to that of their peers (today, allowance—soon, phones and cars). You are under no obligation to match what their peers or peers’ parents are doing. However, conversations with your children about why you are making the decisions you are making will help them develop a keener understanding of your family values and priorities.

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I hear your struggle with incentivizing chores. Some parents choose to make chores a basic expectation (this is what we do). Failing to meet those expectations results in losses of privileges (screen time, dessert, play dates, etc.). There are also ways to encourage chores by instilling in your children a sense of pride of accomplishment. Letting my son hear me brag to friends and family about how well he did his “jobs” without prompting has accomplished far more than any sticker chart or reward system ever did.

You are right that this is not a “make-or-break” kind of parenting decision. It is, however, a tremendous opportunity to intentionally foster the skills and values you hope your children will possess as adults. If you want to read more about this topic, there’s a fantastic book by Ron Lieber called The Opposite of Spoiled. It delves into all of this and more and is incredibly informative and accessible.

Best of luck,

Erika

Parenting style can affect behavior in any child, but matters most for children with “difficult” temperaments, according to a study published in the journal Psychological Bulletin. Research suggests some portions of a child’s temperament—such as impulsivity and the tendency to experience negative emotions—might be influenced by genes. Environmental influences can act upon this nascent personality, affecting how children think and feel as adults.

The new study suggests parenting is a significant predictor of who a child will become. For children born with a tendency toward negative emotions and challenging behavior, parenting may be even more important.

How Parenting Shapes ‘Difficult’ Children’s Personalities

The study evaluated previous research on parenting style and child outcomes. Researchers analyzed data from 84 previous studies, half of which were conducted in 2010 or later.

Children identified as having a “difficult” temperament had higher levels of impulsivity and negative emotions, and lower levels of conscientiousness. Parents who practiced positive parenting provided children with more guidance and affection. They encouraged children to embrace empathy and think through their actions. Parents with a negative parenting style were more punitive and less affectionate. These parents attempted to control their children’s behavior with harsh discipline.

[fat_widget_right]The affectionate style of more positive parents produced better outcomes in their children, regardless of a child’s temperament. For children with a more difficult temperament, the effect was most pronounced, especially among children who were highly emotional. Negative parenting was more harmful to these children, while positive parenting offered significant benefits.

The study highlights how parenting style is both internalized and externalized. Positive parenting increased positive internal behaviors such as high self-esteem, as well as positive external behaviors such as community involvement. Negative parenting increased negative internal behaviors and mental health issues such as depression, as well as negative external behaviors such as aggression and substance abuse.

Understanding Parenting Style

Parents of challenging children may worry their child’s personality is hard-wired. Children who experience more negative emotions are more likely to experience mental health issues. For parents concerned about how a difficult child might think and behave in adulthood, this study points to the importance of effective parenting.

A number of studies point to the benefits of an authoritative parenting style. Authoritative parents, like the “positive” parents of this study, establish clear rules and are highly affectionate. They stand in contrast to authoritarian parents, who are controlling and unaffectionate, and permissive parents, who are affectionate but provide few boundaries.

References:

1. Baer, D. (2016, October 17). The kids most affected by parenting share a personality trait. Retrieved from http://nymag.com/scienceofus/2016/10/how-parenting-affects-kids-depending-on-personality.html
2. Dewar, G., PhD. (2013, April). Authoritarian parenting: What happens to the kids? Retrieved from http://www.parentingscience.com/authoritarian-parenting.html
3. Slagt, M., Dubas, J. S., Dekovic, M., & Van Aken, M. A. (2016). Differences in sensitivity to parenting depending on child temperament: A meta-analysis. Psychological Bulletin. doi:10.1037/bul0000061

The job-search process can be a nightmare for the already paranoid among us. Personal information is routinely mailed and blasted out to unknown parties every day; sometimes you send the information, sometimes it’s a recruiter sending the information. You never know who’s asking about you, or even who they might be asking. If you know someone who works for the employer you are targeting, what initially seemed like a connection becomes a potential liability: what if that person says something negative?

That leads to the hair-prickling question that stops all of us mid-celebratory jig in the parking lot when we hear we got an offer pending a background check: they need to check references. What will your references say?

References are a key part of most job applications. A glowing reference can be the difference between getting hired or not even getting a call back, so it’s important to think carefully about who you want answering questions about you that you can’t necessarily predict. Fortunately, many people in the professional world are flattered by requests to serve as references, and most want to be perceived as positive and helpful. Giving a bad reference detracts from that pursuit. From a purely self-serving point of view, it’s often not worth being brutally honest to a contact’s potential employer if it means diminishing one’s own image.

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Of course, it helps to line up your references—three to five is standard—and prepare them as best you can. Ideal candidates for references include:

• Former supervisors
• Former coworkers
• Business partners, clients, or customers
• Colleagues at other companies who collaborated with you in some way
• Members of professional organizations/committees you work(ed) on
• Professors (in some cases—for academic jobs, obviously, but this can work for students looking for work for the first time as well)
• Academic advisers—if you are a student looking for a job for the first time and you regularly check in with your adviser and the two of you have a good relationship

6 Tips for Developing Professional References

1. Ask first: Always ask a prospective reference if they would be willing to provide a strong recommendation for you to another employer. If you detect any hesitation, move on to someone else. Don’t take it personally. Some people just don’t feel comfortable giving references. Also, the person in question may not feel they know enough about you as a professional to provide a credible reference. Any lack of enthusiasm from a potential reference is a sign you should try someone else.
2. Avoid friends and family: Though they surely have great things to say about you, friends and family members are generally not good professional references unless they have had a direct business relationship with you. And even then, a potential employer may look at them more as a character reference than one who can objectively assess your skills. The latter type of reference tends to be more valuable than the former.
3. Be careful with current coworkers: Because of liability concerns, some employers do not allow managers, supervisors, or even employees to provide references for fellow employees. But people are often willing to look past those policies and provide a reference anyway, as long as they have developed a strong relationship with the person and know what they have to say is positive. If keeping your search confidential is a priority or you’re worried how your current employer would react to news of you looking to leave, make sure you trust any coworkers you do ask and let them know about any workplace-related concerns you have.
4. Lose the letters: If possible, avoid letters of recommendation in favor of basic contact information in the form of name, current title and employer, phone number, and professional email address. Potential employers recognize that letters of recommendation tend to be carefully crafted to project a certain image, and many recruiters prefer to talk to someone who can speak candidly and off-the-cuff about your strengths and possible weaknesses. Not providing that opportunity to a potential employer may serve as a red flag that, in a worst-case scenario, removes you from consideration.
5. Provide some coaching: It may be helpful to provide prospective references with relevant details of the job you are applying for and perhaps previous experiences you would like them to highlight (if they can). Also, if there are any duties you would rather not repeat, you might want to ask them not to play up those skills as much as others.
6. Follow up and express thanks: Some recruiters might check in with only one reference, while others contact all. Regardless of which references are contacted, be sure to thank all of them when your job search has ended. Staying in periodic contact thereafter can be a good way to nurture the relationship and show that you value it beyond merely what it can do for you. If appropriate, offer to return the favor should they ever need a reference of their own.

While requests for references can seem like a huge piece of the job-search puzzle that is outside your control, it is in fact one where you have a lot of control. You get to choose who speaks about you and, to some extent, shape the conversation in advance. With a little bit of preparation, you have the opportunity to assemble a strong panel of advocates to help you get your dream job.