Partners sit on opposite ends of sofa, turned in opposite directions and facing away from each otherFrom my many years as a couples therapist, I have learned one of the most difficult phases of the work is when a couple has committed to repairing your marriage, but before the repair has begun.

It’s an important time: you and your partner have decided to go to couples therapy, so you’ve researched local counselors and booked an appointment. But your first session hasn’t happened yet and you’re still feeling distressed, disconnected, or dissatisfied.

Some models of relationship counseling have specific tasks for this stage, such as the online relationship assessment for the Prepare/Enrich program. Therapists may also have their own preferred assessment measures, such as the classic Dyadic Adjustment Scale or the newer Gottman Relationship Checkup.

[fat_widget_right]

But these assessments are meant to inform your therapist about where to start treatment, about the issues and dynamics contributing to conflict or distress. They don’t help you and your partner get through the days or weeks until your first appointment with any more peace or patience.

So what should you be doing? Thinking about? Paying attention to? Here are three things I ask of couples seeing me for the first time, before therapy begins:

1. Prevent Further Damage

To prevent further damage, do your best to stop unhealthy patterns of interaction that are causing distress in the relationship. There has been enough conflict already. In other words, it’s important to bring your best self to every exchange so you don’t heap problems on top of problems. You’ve committed to therapy to make positive changes, and they can start right now.

For example, if you’re used to yelling at each other, preventing further damage means keeping your volume low and your tone pleasant. If you’ve been sleeping in separate rooms, preventing further damage means respecting the boundaries each of you have set to avoid distress.

If you find yourself back in a familiar dance of hurt feelings, miscommunication, or bad habits, remember to prevent further damage. Notice what is happening, halt the unhealthy spiral, and choose a different response.

2. Prioritize Self-Care

To prioritize self-care is to choose behaviors that nourish your body and spirit. The road to relationship health through therapy may be long and difficult, so it’s important to prepare yourself mentally and physically. Prioritizing self-care means taking good care of yourself.

If you find yourself back in a familiar dance of hurt feelings, miscommunication, or bad habits, remember to prevent further damage.

Here are seven ways to be intentional about self-care:

  1. Eat fresh, healthy foods.
  2. Drink plenty of water.
  3. Rest when you are tired.
  4. Prioritize sufficient, uninterrupted sleep.
  5. Exercise and stretch your body.
  6. Seek joy through the arts (music, comedy, theater/movies, art).
  7. Soak up love from supportive relationships (children, friends, family).

You may realize it’s been a while since you were intentional about caring for yourself. Don’t worry—self-care can start right now.

3. Practice Introspection

No matter which theory of couples therapy your therapist is trained in—Emotionally Focused Therapy, Imago, and the Gottman Method may be the most well-known for their evidence-based practice—one of the primary ways your therapist will intervene in your distress is to help you and your partner think and feel differently about what is happening. These skills of perspective taking don’t come naturally to all of us, but there are ways to practice before therapy begins.

One way to practice introspection is to think about your experience from a new perspective. I’ve written previously about the power of therapy to shift your point of view, and the metaphor can help before therapy even begins. Ask yourself: What are the ways I understand or explain what is happening in my relationship? Are there alternative ways to understand it, even if I don’t agree with them? How does my partner explain what is happening? Are we looking at things from the balcony or the dance floor? What might I see if I look from the other perspective?

Another way to practice introspection is to become familiar with the idea of mindfulness. Yoga, guided imagery, apps like Headspace or Calm, or spending intentional time in nature are readily available ways to bring mindfulness into your life.

Ready to begin couples therapy? Contact a licensed counselor in your area.

Couple enjoys twilight ride along beach on bikesSo you’ve been in this relationship for a while. And nothing is inherently wrong with it. But you occasionally look at your partner and wonder if it could be more.

Maybe you compare your relationship to your best friend’s—after all, they are so disgustingly happy.

Or maybe, sometimes, it feels more like a business partnership than an intimate relationship.

Do you have the kids? Yeah.

What’s for dinner? Leftovers.

Do we have the money for this? Nope.

Can you get milk? Sure.

[fat_widget_right]

At some point, you stopped sharing intimate and vulnerable details. You stopped making time for those conversations and for listening to each other, or life got in the way.

Somehow, when you look at your relationship now and compare it to what you expected it to look like when you and your partner got together, it doesn’t stack up the way it was supposed to.

Is it too late?

I often get asked this question in couples counseling. When you get to a point where it almost feels as if the love is gone—when there are no more butterflies in your stomach and the honeymoon phase has long passed—it can be natural to wonder if something is wrong.

But the truth is every relationship goes through periods when partners don’t feel as close as they used to, or they just don’t feel like they are on the same page anymore. If both partners are committed to the relationship, then once these patterns are recognized, you can intentionally guide yourselves back on track. Here are some ways to make it happen:

1. Regular Date Nights

This is conventional wisdom: If you have regular date nights, you are more likely to feel more connected, more often, to your partner.

But there’s a little more to it than that.

Date nights don’t do much good if you have your faces in your phones, only talk about your kids, or do the same things every time. Set your rules up front: no phones out, answer only for the babysitter, no kid talk, etc.

Look at date nights as time for you to dream together. Ask questions you don’t know the answers to. Reminisce. Set goals, get accountable to each other, and encourage one another to expand your scope beyond everyday realities.

Remember, you set your own rules here. Date nights can actually be date days—while the kids are at school, a birthday party, or hanging out at a friend’s house. It can be as simple as a walk in the neighborhood. It can be a fancy home-cooked meal or dessert after the kids have gone to bed.

Take the pressure off of trying to re-create the last romantic comedy you watched. Set your goal on connection and keep it simple.

2. Change Your Routine

Nothing fosters connection more reliably than changing things up. Our brains naturally reengage when we are outside of our routine and doing something different. It takes us out of autopilot mode and allows us to think creatively.

What does this mean for your relationship? Small changes can make a big difference.

For example, getting a weeknight babysitter instead of on the weekend can change the entire structure of your week. Joining an active group together can both give you a physical challenge and help stoke new interests.

Encourage each other’s self-care. Do you need to turn off the TV at night and engage in games, books, exercise, or strengthening friendships a couple times a week? Do you need to go to bed early? Does your partner?

Again, shifting your routines in service of alleviating your everyday stresses can help you both feel reengaged, understood, heard, and connected in ways that may be unexpected.

3. Water the Grass

Figuratively, of course. If you find yourself wondering if the grass is greener elsewhere, look hard at how you are engaging within your relationship.

If you need to put additional time and energy into yourself to feel more fulfilled within your relationship and let go of some unhealthy habits, give yourself permission to invest it.

Are you holding on to resentments from the past? Are you stressed out in other ways and projecting that onto your partner? Are you communicating your wants and needs appropriately? Does your partner get to see who you really are?

Often, those uneasy feelings come in when we are looking at others’ relationships and comparing what we see to ours. We can be especially vulnerable to this on social media. But it’s easy to forget that even the healthiest relationships take time, energy, and work—and don’t always look pretty behind closed doors.

So rather than focusing that energy on what other people have or do not have, pay attention to what is within your control to change. If you need to put additional time and energy into yourself to feel more fulfilled within your relationship and let go of some unhealthy habits, give yourself permission to invest it.

Otherwise, look around and ask yourself what you can do to reconnect with your partner. What can you do to nourish your relationship and help it grow?

4. Tune Up with Counseling

Many couples benefit from intensive counseling during highly stressful times, and then less frequent sessions over time, to keep them on track and accountable. Counseling can be as brief as one session or can last for many years as a form of “maintenance” for the relationship.

In the long run, marriage counseling is cheaper than a messy divorce. Sure, it can wade into tricky waters, but isn’t that when you want a professional guiding you through?

Your relationship doesn’t have to be seemingly beyond repair before you ask for help. Counseling can be beneficial for any couple, whether you have been together for only a short time or for many years.

Relationships can encounter difficulty at any stage, but counseling can help you and your partner to build skills rather than resentment.

Rear view of two women sitting on pier embracing. What feelings were denied you as a child?

Did your parents or caregivers say:

While some feelings may have been allowed, we’ve all experienced the discomfort of others around our more “negative” emotional expressions. This can be especially problematic in romantic relationships. In his book Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix, PhD explores “forbidden feelings” and the concept of repression. He writes: “Your angry feelings, your sexual feelings, and a host of other ‘antisocial’ thoughts and feelings were pushed deep inside of you and were not allowed to see the light of day.”

Hendrix acknowledges that the rules of emotional expression differ between men and women. Starting in early childhood, what’s “allowed” for boys and what’s “allowed” for girls is clear.

[fat_widget_right]

He notes that, for boys, emotional expression or the expression of empathy is perceived as weakness or fear. Girls, on the other hand, are encouraged toward these tender exchanges.

Males learn to cut off their own emotional experiences, which, in turn, impacts their ability to express themselves clearly and to develop empathy for partners. The cutoff often looks like withdrawal, leaving the more emotionally expressive partner to chase after the distant one.

[amazon_affiliate]

In my work with both heterosexual and same-sex couples, I have seen these patterns play out repeatedly. Men and women repress their feelings based on a host of unique factors.

Factors that influence emotional repression date back to early childhood. These can include influential personalities in the person’s family of origin, cultural and religious background, definitions of masculinity and femininity, trauma, the political climate, and more.

Some of my most meaningful work with a person occurs when they learn how to undo their own emotional repression. Here are some of the steps we take to help them emotionally evolve.

1. Learn Emotional Language

When repressed enough, partners lose their ability to retrieve the language of emotions. Evidence of this may include responses such as “I don’t know” or “I can’t describe it” when a person is asked how they feel.

We start small, reviewing the six most basic human emotions: anger, sadness, fear, joy, love, and surprise. But knowing the feelings is not always enough to name them in the moment.

Healthy emotional communication calls for being both a giver and a receiver. Reciprocation of emotional expression provides the richest environment for intimacy to grow.

2. Work from the Outside In

Feelings register in the body. We typically feel our emotions in our throats, behind our eyes, in our torsos (including back and chest), in our bellies, and sometimes in our legs, arms, hands, and feet. Knowing the sensations of the body helps you connect your experience to the learned emotional language. Heat in your cheeks might connect to anger, a lump in your throat might indicate sadness, loss of breath may connect to surprise, and butterflies in the belly or ice-cold palms may mean fear.

Notice your reactions to conversations and experiences, pay attention to your body, and begin to make the connections for yourself.

3. Verbalize the Feeling

Once you tune into the sensation and connect it to the relevant feeling word, you can verbalize the feeling by sharing with your partner. You can say, for example, “I’m aware that I have butterflies in my stomach and that I feel scared,” or, “I can feel my heart pounding right now; I know I’m angry and I need time to cool off.”

Being able to verbalize your feelings gives you and your partner a chance to communicate about what’s fueling them and why they may be uncomfortable.

Conclusion

When you complete all three steps, you’re overcoming emotional repression. You’re no longer detaching from your feelings. You’re no longer denying yourself the right to speak up about your experience. You’re allowing others to know you more deeply.

Of course, there are other feelings words, such as disappointment, loss, confusion, bewilderment, hope, excitement, and more. But for anyone who has a lifetime of emotional repression, the six most basic human emotions often capture enough to name the feeling adequately. As you become more habitual in sensing, naming, and verbalizing your emotions, consider expanding your emotional language to describe how you feel.

For those of you on the receiving end, check in with yourselves. Make sure you want what is offered. Anger, sadness, and fear are generally harder to receive than love, joy, and surprise. Sometimes, people tell me they want their partners to express themselves more fully, but when they do, the receivers struggle to take in what their partners say.

Healthy emotional communication calls for being both a giver and a receiver. Reciprocation of emotional expression provides the richest environment for intimacy to grow. If you are struggling with this, either individually or as a couple, make an appointment with a licensed counselor.

Reference:

Hendrix, H. (2008). Getting the love you want: A guide for couples. New York, NY: Holt Paperbacks.

Person with long hair has head bent over knees, holding up wedding ring and cryingOur first therapy session began …

The day I found her text on my husband’s phone is a day I will never forget. My whole life changed in an instant. I was stunned and in disbelief. I thought, “Is this really happening to me?”

I read it again. She wrote, “I love you more than ever. Can’t wait until we are together again.”

My heart began pounding like it was going to explode. I felt like someone punched me in the gut. My mind began racing: “Who is this woman? Why is she texting my husband that she loves him? Would he really cheat? We’ve been together for 17 years. I thought we were happy.” [fat_widget_right]

I called him. He immediately came home from work. He’d accidentally left his phone at home that morning. When he arrived, he couldn’t look me in the eye. He said, “I didn’t mean for you to find out like this.”

I responded, “You didn’t mean for me to find out what?”

He said, “That I’m leaving. I love you, but I’m not in love with you anymore.”

My thoughts started reeling. His words got stuck in my head: “I’m not in love with you anymore.” They went around and around and wouldn’t stop.

“When did this happen?” I asked.

“I haven’t been happy for a few years,” he replied. “You were so focused on the kids. I felt alone.”

“I was so focused on the kids?” I snapped back in exasperation. “Yes, I was! Isn’t that what I was supposed to be doing?”

“I just don’t have those feelings for you anymore,” he said. “I’m sorry.”

The rejection people feel when a partner leaves for someone else can be daunting. Not only do they feel the loss, the hurt, and the emptiness, they have to deal with the knowledge they have been “replaced.” No matter how you slice it, the message is: “You are no longer good enough. I’ve found someone better.”

I burst into tears. The pain pierced my heart. I could hardly breathe. The pain was excruciating. I felt shattered into a million pieces. My life would never be the same.

Over the next few weeks, we talked and we cried. I went from feeling anger and hatred toward him to feeling like I couldn’t live without him. I asked him to stay and get counseling. No matter what I said, his mind was made up.

I asked about the other woman. She was someone he worked with, of course. They took business trips together. He said she was in an “unhappy marriage” too. They had been having an affair for almost a year.

The day he moved out was horrendous. The kids were a mess. He promised he’d still be there for them.

It’s been a year, yet it feels like it happened yesterday. I still feel so rejected.

The only time my mind rests is when I’m busy with the kids or at work. I’ve asked myself a thousand times, “Why wasn’t I good enough? What did I do wrong? What could I have done to make him stay? What does she have that I don’t have? What’s wrong with me?”

“Is she prettier, sexier, more interesting, more fun? Of course she is. She’s new. She hasn’t had kids. They don’t live together. She doesn’t do his laundry. They don’t have to deal with children and carpools. He’s known her for one year. We were married for 17 years. Maybe he just got tired of me and our life together.”

The rejection people feel when a partner leaves for someone else can be daunting. Not only do they feel the loss, the hurt, and the emptiness, they have to deal with the knowledge they have been “replaced.” No matter how you slice it, the message is: “You are no longer good enough. I’ve found someone better.”

When a partner leaves, the first few weeks can be extremely painful. People respond by not eating, not sleeping, crying, withdrawing, and generally feeling like the bottom has dropped out. They may have a sense of unreality, like they are a character in a play. There is denial and disbelief.

Often, the worst part is going to bed. The mind wanders to the place where the pain of rejection dwells. It’s hard to escape. The thoughts keep coming. When sleep finally arrives, it is fitful. Waking up in the morning is no better. It’s a new day and the pain starts all over again.

How does a person recover from and overcome the enormous pain of being rejected in one of the most important areas of life? Here are seven steps that may help you heal from the devastation of being rejected by a partner.

  1. Feel the feelings. Allow yourself to experience them. Don’t try to hide from them or push them away. Let them come. Feel them. Let them out. You may worry they will never stop, but remind yourself it will get better. No matter how hard we cry, at some point we stop.
  2. Understand you will go through the stages of grief. The loss of a relationship is like a death. Feelings of disbelief, shock, anger, hurt, bargaining, sadness, fear, and depression are normal. When a partner leaves for someone else, the grief can become even more complicated. The loss occurs, but the person is still there. They made a purposeful decision to leave. Acknowledge your feelings, journal about them, and soothe them.
  3. Think of your pain like a wave. There will be times where, for a brief period, you may “forget” about it—and then it will hit you all over again. If you fight the feeling and try to push it away, it will grip you harder. Imagine yourself diving into the emotional wave. Let it come, observe it, and allow it to wash over you. Let it go.
  4. Gather your support system around you. You may feel like withdrawing. You may have little energy for others. You may want to stay in bed. Reach out to others anyway. Allow people to be there for you. Let them listen. One day, you may have the opportunity to give that back. Let them provide comfort.
  5. Stop the self-blame. It’s natural to turn the blame on yourself and ask what you did wrong, why you weren’t good enough. Remember it is not your fault. It takes two people to make a relationship work and only one to end it. You can invite a partner to go to therapy with you, but they have to make the choice to participate. Partners leave for many reasons. It may have more to do with their baggage than what happened in your relationship.
  6. Practice self-care. Try to eat well and get enough rest. Take a walk. Do things that help you relax—meditation, relaxation techniques, changing negative thoughts, prayer. It’s a time to find your “self” again. Be kind to yourself. Spend time around people who love you.
  7. Find a therapist who can help. The journey of recovery after a partner leaves takes time, support, and patience. If you are struggling with the loss of a partner, consider contacting a therapist. We are here to support you through crises like this and will help you overcome the pain of rejection.

“The loss of love is not nearly as painful as our resistance to accepting it is.” —Tigress Luv

Pensive person with long curly hair sits in a cafe while partner looks down and away, reading newspaper. If you have ever been in a relationship, you have experienced hurt. It is inevitable. Even when two people have a connected, secure, and healthy relationship, they will experience hurt at some point. When couples come to therapy, it is often due to an experience or pattern of experiences that created hurt for one or both partners. They decide to pursue therapy because they are having a hard time resolving this hurt in order to feel safe with each other again.

When working with couples, I seek to understand the nature and significance of the hurt before moving toward resolution. How bad is it? How deep is the impact? First, we must understand the two levels of hurt: relational hurts and attachment injuries.

Relational Hurts

Secure couples can often navigate relational hurts on their own. Things like forgotten anniversaries, reactive insults, or blow-up fights can sneak into relationships. For secure couples (couples who feel they can depend and rely on each other in times of need), relational hurts are fairly easy to navigate. Partners can share their hurt feelings with each other, hear and empathize with the hurt of their loved one, and provide comfort and reassurance. Partners can move forward in the relationship with trust, security, and safety despite the hurtful experience. This is a natural and expected experience for healthy relationships.

[fat_widget_right]

I can often tell when a hurt falls into the category of a relational hurt. In our sessions, couples may share feelings of sadness, anger, hurt, and pain in response to an experience. However, when I ask them if they feel their partner loves and cares for them, they can quickly answer “yes.” For them, even though the hurt happened, it hasn’t significantly changed the way they view each other or the relationship.

Attachment Injuries

Attachment injuries are trickier. They require much more care, consideration, and often more guidance, sometimes from a couples counselor. When couples are trying to respond to attachment injuries as if they are merely a relational hurt, they can stay stuck. Without recognizing the significance and impact of the injury, they can go down a long road of frustration and more hurt. An injured partner can feel even more hurt that the other person is not responding in ways that provide healing. The hurt deepens, becomes more complex, and can create great distress in the relationship.

Dr. Sue Johnson defines an attachment injury as “a feeling of betrayal or abandonment during a critical time of need.” When an attachment injury has occurred, a partner may view their relationship as changed or they may view their partner in a different way. An affair is a good example of an attachment injury. Infidelity often causes a partner to view a previously safe relationship as unsafe. While they used to view their partner as trustworthy, they now wonder, “Can I ever trust this person again?”

Attachment injuries are trickier. They require much more care, consideration, and often more guidance, sometimes from a couples counselor.

There are also more subtle attachment injuries. Consider the example of a wife, grieving the loss of her mother, crying in her bedroom. She sees her husband walk by on his phone, consumed in a work call. He sees her in tears but, after getting so caught up in his work, never returns to check on her. In that moment, she decides she is not important to him and she must go through this pain alone. In that moment, everything changes in how she views the relationship and how she views her husband. She was in need and he wasn’t there.

There are three key ways to determine if a hurt is an attachment injury. First, partners report they have apologized, but their hurt partner keeps bringing up the hurtful experience. Additionally, the hurt partner may report feeling as though they relive the hurtful experience when they think or talk about it. They can still feel the pain, almost as if it just happened. Finally, couples report a significant, defining shift in the relationship felt by one or both partners that can be traced back to a specific time or incident. If any of these things are happening in your relationship, there may be an attachment injury.

If you believe you are dealing with an attachment injury in your relationship, here are some potentially helpful things to think about:

Often, couples benefit from therapy to help them navigate the process of healing after an attachment injury. When a couple learns how to find comfort in each other for the pain and hurt resulting from an attachment injury, healing and true reconnection are possible.

References:

  1. Johnson, S. (2013). Love sense: The revolutionary new science of romantic relationships. New York, NY: Little, Brown and Company.
  2. Johnson, S., Makinen, J., & Millikin, J. (2001). Attachment Injuries in Couple Relationships: A New Perspective on Impasses in Couples Therapy. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 27(2), 145-155.

Couple looking happy together sit on kitchen floor talking together and smilingHow do you know if someone is the right person for you? With so many marriages ending up in divorce, this question is a common one. Finding the answer often takes thoughtful consideration.

Almost every healthy relationship takes work. A lifelong marriage can require lots of dedication, time, and emotional energy. Here are some guidelines for determining if your partner is right for you.

A Strong Foundation

Trust, respect, honor, and commitment form the foundation of many relationships. If you feel confident that you can create a future with your partner, your relationship likely has all four of these cornerstones. If you have any reservations, you and your partner may want to solidify your foundation before getting married.

Love and Commitment

[fat_widget_relationships_right]

Are love and commitment at the heart of your relationship? According a recent Pew Research Center report, 88% of Americans cite love as a predominant reason for getting married. Love is complex and typically involves more than being in love. Love is often defined as the ability to deeply connect with another individual, to feel understood and unconditionally valued for who you are. Do you feel loved by your partner?

Commitment also topped the chart, ranking second in importance for reasons Americans marry. Americans know that being in love is crucial; however, commitment is also key. Partners often want to know they are both in the relationship for the long haul. They want to know they can count on each other to be there. In many wedding vows, commitment runs deep:

I, ___, take thee, ___, to be my wedded husband/wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part…

Do you feel this level of commitment for your partner?

The Bond of Friendship

Is friendship the bond that keeps your relationship together? Many psychologists and marriage and family therapists would agree a strong friendship is what carries a relationship over the course of time. A deep friendship typically involves intimacy, support, understanding, and mutual attachment. Do these qualities describe your friendship?

Emotionally Intelligent Couples

Do you have mostly negative thoughts and feelings towards your partner, or do more positive ones abound? In Dr. John Gottman’s rigorous research on relationships, he has discovered a dynamic that emotionally intelligent couples often use in their day-to-day interactions.

Many emotionally intelligent couples keep their negative thoughts and feelings from overwhelming their positive ones. They stay in a state of positivity; they keep a positive attitude towards their partner. Many characteristics define emotionally intelligent couples; however, this dynamic can be vital and help keep a relationship in a state of well-being.

Communication

How is your communication with your partner? Many qualities go into healthy effective communication. Here are four questions you can consider when evaluating your communication.

Being able to talk easily with your partner can be crucial in a healthy relationship. If you and your partner have trouble connecting, you may wish to postpone your wedding plans and get some couples counseling.

Values and Dreams

Do you and your partner share common values? These can be important factors when sharing your life with someone. You and your partner may wish to have similar opinions on subjects such as:

Unlike values, dreams do not need to be the same, although couples may benefit if their dreams are compatible. Supporting each other’s dreams is the main consideration. Understanding what your partner desires in their life can be vital. Feeling your dreams are understood and valued can also be important.

Red Flags

Red flags are aspects of a relationship that bring you feelings of unease. They may include your partner’s behaviors, motives, interactions, or anything else that does not appear right to you. Red flags can be detected in verbal or nonverbal communication. Pay attention to anything that makes you feel nervous, uncomfortable, or apprehensive. Here are some signs to consider:

Family of Origin

What is your partner’s family of origin like? Inquiring in depth about their family can be revealing. You don’t want to wait until you are married to find out any secrets or issues that could affect your relationship. Asking pertinent questions like the following can be valuable:

Friends, Family and Strangers

Love can be blind. For this reason, you may wish to consider other people’s opinions and thoughts when deciding whether to get married. My recommendation to couples is to consider the following questions:

If you bring your partner around family and friends, you can observe how they interact and ask for their honest opinions. You will likely benefit if you take any concerns seriously and assume your loved ones are looking out for your best interests.

Recreation

Do you and your partner enjoy each other’s company? Spending time on recreational activities can be vital in a healthy relationship. Having common interests can motivate you and your partner to do things together. You do not need to do everything as a couple or share all things in common. However, you and your partner can benefit from doing fun activities together on a regular basis.

In conclusion, although this isn’t an exhaustive list, it does represent some guidelines to consider. If you detect trouble spots in your relationship, you may want to hold off on getting to “I do.” Whatever the state of your current relationship, a qualified therapist can help guide you through the process.

References:

  1. Greiger, A., & Livingston, F. (2018, February 13). 8 facts about love and marriage in America. Pew Research Center. Retrieved from http://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2018/02/13/8-facts-about-love-and-marriage
  2. Gottman, J., & Silver N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. New York, NY: Harmony Books.

Couple looking out window smiling at something in the distanceLove is a topic that has never lost human relevance or interest. Poetry, songs, essays, novels, movies, and multitudes of self-help books focus on this marvelous, mysterious topic.

Yet, there are questions that remain for many of us regarding the meaning, nature, and scope of love in the most practical terms.

[fat_widget_right]

First is the question of the meaning of love. At its base, love is an emotion. It’s a positive feeling we have about another person. The feeling includes warmth and gentleness toward the person in question, and a deep appreciation and concern for their well-being. Love creates a desire to be closer to another, to comfort, and to be comforted. We seek and often experience joy and happiness in love (at the very least initially, if we sense the feeling is mutual).

The nature and scope of love can be broad: romantic love, as we most often think of it; love for family and friends; and love for humanity, etc. However, equally important is self-love.

Navigating the more challenging questions can spark debate and further discussion. Here, we will consider several psychological approaches to this issue before I offer some of my own thoughts.

Attachment

Sue Johnson, who developed emotionally focused therapy (based on attachment theory) for couples, describes the emotional need we all have for secure attachments or bonding with others in her book Attachment Processes in Couple and Family Therapy:

It is this need, and the fears of loss and isolation that accompany this need, that provides the script for the oldest and most universal of human dramas that couple and family therapists see played out in their offices every day. (p. 4)

[amazon_affiliate]

She goes on to explain that for those of us who did not have a chance for “secure bonding” with our parents or parent figures as children, it’s often more difficult to bond with a mate. People with insecure attachments tend to either isolate and shut down in the face of true intimacy, or they over-attach in a desperate or clingy manner. The combination of the two is often the precursor for an abusive relationship. By no means is bonding with others impossible, but it may take more work to achieve and maintain that desired healthy connection.

Vulnerability

However, love is frequently fragile and easily damaged. Therefore, we fear becoming damaged by it and being vulnerable to it. I’ve recently seen a number of people in therapy who provided a prime example of this phenomenon—all were single and afraid of immersing themselves in the dating scene. This is not an uncommon fear, but it is one that inhibits opportunities for meeting potential loving partners. Common assumptions include, “There’s no one out there for me,” or, “They’re all a bunch of losers,” or, worst of all, “I’m such a loser, no one would be interested in me.” These assumptions can evolve into destructive beliefs.

The more we give ourselves permission to try out new and constructive ideas, the more likely we are to change our experiences for the better.

Cognitive behavioral therapy addresses these negative thoughts by suggesting that our behaviors and the way we feel are driven by the way we think, and, therefore, replacing negative thoughts with positive ones will guide us into healthier love patterns. Sometimes negative beliefs have been there for so long—and most of us have at least one bad experience to back them up—that we find it difficult to gain a positive outlook. The more we give ourselves permission to try out new and constructive ideas, the more likely we are to change our experiences for the better.

Brené Brown has written extensively on the topics of vulnerability and shame. “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity,” she writes in her book Daring Greatly. In other words, it takes real human courage to be vulnerable, but it is also necessary for real intimacy and bonding to take place. Brown feels that shame gets in the way of such vulnerability. Shame is a collection of real or perceived guilt from the past, creating a general sense of unworthiness. As Brown puts it:

If we cultivate enough awareness about shame to name it and speak to it, we’ve basically cut it off at the knees. Shame hates having words wrapped around it. If we speak shame, it begins to wither. (p. 58)

Respect

If shame, unworthiness, and lack of secure attachment from childhood are the primary obstacles that stand in the way of love being truly healthy and nurturing, it is my suggestion to look more closely to ensure respect is a meaningful part of our love relationships. Respect means honoring the other person as well as yourself, fully and without judgment. It is this aspect of love that is so often overlooked, yet respect, in its deepest meaning of connection, is the backbone that stabilizes and provides security for loving, healthy relationships.

If you struggle with self-love, or if you believe something is standing in the way of closeness with others, seeing a licensed therapist can be greatly beneficial.

References:

  1. Brown, B. (2013). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. New York, NY: Penguin.
  2. Johnson, S. M., & Whiffen, V. E., Ed. (2003). Attachment processes in couple and family therapy. New York, NY: The Guilford Press.

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I feel so strung out lately. I definitely consider myself a people-pleaser. I tend to go out of my way to make sure friends, family, and coworkers are happy, even if it leaves me feeling drained and dissatisfied.

[fat_widget_right]

This problem is probably best exemplified by my difficulty saying no. Whether I’m being asked to help someone or getting invited to lunch, I don’t know how to decline without feeling terrible about myself. I want to be a good friend, and part of being a good friend is being there for people. It just leaves me ragged sometimes because, as an introvert, I need a good amount of time alone to recharge. I’m rarely able to do that. So I’m stressed a lot and just have the sense that time is flying by. I don’t feel grounded and at peace, and I think it all comes down to not attending to my own needs.

Do you deal with this a lot in your practice? What do you tell people who have a hard time saying no to others? Some practical suggestions for how to say no respectfully would be helpful as well. Thank you. —Yes Woman

Dear Yes Woman,

It sounds like you are exhausted in every conceivable way—it must be a difficult way to live your life. You are consistently putting everyone else before yourself, to your own detriment. One place to start tackling this issue is with a thorough exploration of it and its meaning to you. For example, what would it mean to you to say no? Are you concerned about what others would think, or not think, about you? How would this impact your relationships? How might it change how you view yourself? Partnering with a therapist to answer these questions could be quite helpful in developing a deeper understanding of the beliefs and feelings you have around this pattern of behavior.

With a greater awareness and embrace of the many facets of your identity, saying no might naturally become much easier.

I wonder if engaging in such a process would lead you to the realization that being there for people is part of how you identify yourself. If this bears out, it seems possible that disappointing anyone feels so unthinkable because it effectively serves as a threat to your identity. If you view yourself as a “go-to” kind of person who always “comes through” for others, the simple act of saying no might challenge how you see yourself and your purpose in the world. If so, a therapist could be helpful to you in uncovering other aspects of your identity and shifting your focus to developing those areas. With a greater awareness and embrace of the many facets of your identity, saying no might naturally become much easier.

I also want to be respectful of your request for some practical suggestions for saying no respectfully. You mention that even saying no to a lunch invitation is difficult for you. What if, instead of answering either yes or no, you allowed yourself to say something like, “Well, I can’t do it today, but how about next week?” As for requests that are less social and more about helping someone else, you can still try to schedule those things in a way that doesn’t feel overly burdensome for you. Sometimes, all the creative scheduling in the world won’t work and you may just have to say no. Even in these cases, you can still offer help through brainstorming about how else to address the issue and express your sincere regret that you aren’t able to help this time.

Regardless of whether you choose to try some ideas for saying no or dive in to an exploration of the larger issues, you deserve to learn how to prioritize yourself and your needs. I hope you are able to find some ways to give yourself this gift.

Kind regards,

Sarah Noel, MS, LMHC

Counselor working with a couple raises hands in gesture while couple talking animatedly featured in rear view Starting couples therapy can be scary. Since 1995, when I was licensed as a marriage and family therapist, I’ve heard complaints from couples who’d been ready to make their relationships better, only to end up in the office of a well-meaning but ultimately unhelpful therapist.

Over the years, I have had the privilege to work with many courageous couples who have worked hard to save their relationships. I find couples work to be incredibly satisfying because of the dedication required of partners. Many couples start counseling in distress and often in some kind of crisis. But some of the saddest stories I’ve heard involved couples having experienced poor advice or guidance from previous therapists.

The following are some of the most potentially harmful things a therapist can do with a couple facing serious relationship challenges:

[fat_widget_relationships_right]

  1. Focusing on negotiation and compromise rather than working for real change. A counselor who sees it as their job to mediate what each partner gives up may only be adding to the arguments the couple is having at home. This might sound something like, “You cook on even days, you cook on odd days,” or “You agree to have sex more often, you agree to share financial information,” or “You go to your in-laws for the Fourth of July, you go to your family on Thanksgiving.” Bargaining and negotiating are based on giving in and on the notion life needs to be fair, with no concern for feelings or intimacy building. If each partner feels invisible, unloved, or unimportant, all the behavioral compromises in the world will not create connection and harmony.
  2. Allowing secrets in therapy. Real connection and healing in a relationship can happen only with transparency and openness. If a partner has a secret and is unwilling to be transparent with the other person, each partner would likely benefit from seeing a therapist individually until the one with a secret is ready to disclose. The partner with the secret may push the therapist to do therapy with the couple anyway. But a therapist who tries to do therapeutic work around the secret-keeping will have a hard time facilitating real change in the relationship.
  3. Not checking in on each partner’s commitment level. Some couples go to therapy even though they know the relationship is over. They may do this for a variety of reasons—to say they tried “everything,” to gain acceptance of the breakup or divorce from family, to try to get a professional to sanction the separation by saying they are incompatible, or to try to get a diagnosis that can be used in court. If a therapist doesn’t ask if each person is motivated to work on the relationship, a couple may waste time and money.
  4. Emphasizing the resolution of surface issues rather than teaching real skills. Ideally, the couple will be able to work through their issues on their own for years to come. It is hard work learning to communicate better. It is far easier to go over and over an issue until a couple just “puts it down.” But without new communication tools, couples will likely soon be back in the same place, going over the same, tired things.
  5. Implicitly agreeing to be “the principal’s office.” Some couples want a therapist to decide which one is “right” and which is “wrong,” and then scold the “wrong” one into behaving “right.” An ethical therapist should explain that determining who’s right and who’s wrong is not their role. True couples counseling is never about figuring out whose fault the issues are; that’s what couples are already trying to do on their own time. Professional counseling is about developing the skills to communicate effectively about emotions and hopes for the future. Making one partner “wrong” does not serve this goal.
    An ethical therapist will welcome your feedback and will work to get your therapy on track. If, however, you find your therapist defensive or unwilling to discuss your concerns, find another therapist.
  6. Sharing personal stories. A therapist’s job is to be there for the people they serve, not to process their own issues. Professional counselors may share personal stories at times, but only about situations they have resolved, and only ones that are pertinent to helping couples understand or work through their issues in therapy.
  7. Getting swept up in the more outspoken partner’s perspective. Introverts and extroverts typically communicate differently. Some people may go on and on about how they reached a conclusion. Others may share only their conclusions, with little of the thought process leading up to them. Observant therapists make sure the quieter partner is not interrupted and has ample opportunity to talk about their concerns. This may mean overriding and possibly upsetting the more verbal partner. A good therapist knows productive therapy is not necessarily about making everyone happy every time.
  8. Skipping over resentments that have built up over the years. Every conversation or argument happens in a context. If couples are fighting in a context of resentment or mistrust, the context generally must be addressed before other progress can be made. Resentments can be healed in therapy, but the hurt feelings and lack of boundaries must be addressed first.
  9. Seeing a couple after seeing one of them individually and not making that known. Good therapy cannot happen if there are secrets. If a therapist has seen one partner individually, they must insist that the other partner know before scheduling a session with both.
  10. Getting sidetracked by the blaming of one or both partners. History taking is important in conducting productive therapy, but talking about the past can at times turn into a meandering distraction from the real issues. A therapist who is focused on assisting a couple will redirect back to the issues at hand.

If you find yourself in therapy with a professional who is making any of these mistakes, consider talking about it with the therapist. Tell the therapist how you feel and what you’re wanting out of therapy. An ethical therapist will welcome your feedback and will work to get your therapy on track. If, however, you find your therapist defensive or unwilling to discuss your concerns, find another therapist. Therapy should be a safe place where couples get to practice new ways of communicating—with their therapist and each other. A good couples counselor can help you bring trust and caring back into your relationship.

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I have been having a torrid affair with a coworker for seven months. It has been undoubtedly the most exhilarating, liberating, but also emotionally wrenching time of my life. I am cheating on a husband I love very much, but with whom intimacy can best be described as muted. He has never had a sex drive to match mine, and at this point—seven years into our marriage—we are almost never intimate. When we are, he generally doesn’t orgasm, nor do I. I think we do it more out of a sense of love than desire.

Stress is not an issue here. My husband and I do not have children, and we both have careers that allow for plenty of time together. We spend that time doing things we both enjoy, from biking to wine tasting to road trips. Again, I really love my husband! I just don’t feel any sort of carnal craving for him. For that matter, I’m not sure I ever did, even though he is quite handsome.

[fat_widget_sex_right]

We have talked about our sex life (or lack of it). He knows he’s not as motivated by sex as I am. We have accepted that we’re different in that way, I think, because we have so much going for us otherwise. We’re not trying to be something we’re not with each other. I actually love that aspect.

Sexually, the man I’ve been having the affair with is the yin to my yang. He rocks my world like no one ever has. Orgasms aren’t everything, certainly, but just to put things in perspective, last night he had three (!) and I had 12. He has ignited something in me that was dormant for a long time. However, we don’t have a future together. We’re in different life stages, and I don’t intend to ever leave my husband. The arrangement with the other man is purely sexual. And I don’t want it to stop.

Do I feel guilty? Of course I do. I’m not sure anyone goes into marriage thinking they will one day cheat on their partner. But I also feel like I do not get everything I need from my marriage, and I don’t feel it is realistic to expect my husband to fulfill every need I have. I am still reconciling what all this means for us, but I would welcome any thoughts you have. —Wanting It All

Dear Wanting,

Well, talk about the seven-year itch! It is hard to argue with 12 orgasms when you’re accustomed to having zero. On the other hand, something is concerning you here or you would not be writing to me about it.

Your letter raises a profound, and complicated, question about romantic relationships. Is it possible sexual desire and love are separate (or can somehow be lived separately)? Your letter appears to answer that in the affirmative—and you are not alone in feeling that way. But there is probably more going on here than meets the eye. There is, for instance, a hint of what could be a rebellion (understandable) to the sexual dissatisfaction you have experienced.

I take it you believe your husband would be hurt if he knew about your affair. You obviously love him, though it also sounds as though your relationship is akin to a very warm, close friendship: affectionate, respectful, even tender (nothing at all wrong or inferior about any of that) … but also missing a certain “spice.” In fact, given your level of sexual appetite is higher than his, I wonder how you have navigated that difference over the years. Was it a matter of no longer being able to hold out? Is it possible the intensity of the affair is due to your withholding or repressing your desires over time, to the point where you no longer could?

Questions arise for me around this. Did you realize early on that the two of you were sexually incompatible? How was that reconciled? Was there a sense this might be more deeply addressed as time went on, or that it would change? Are you the type who more naturally sets aside their own needs for the other? Is the affair a kind of “rebalancing”?

There are psychologists and other social observers who believe a marriage contract for life is impractical. Search the internet and you’ll find intelligent arguments for a rethinking of monogamy, due to perhaps unrealistic expectations imposed by such an arrangement. I must be frank in saying I am not of this view and thus have a bias. Perhaps I’m old-fashioned in this way (which isn’t to say you aren’t).

Monogamy is challenging, of course. At the same time, it forces us to do something difficult: look our partner in the eye and find a difficult but necessary level of honesty to work through differences. Based on the information you provided, I am not sure whether this was ever an option in your case. It’s possible you underestimated the risk to yourself in having to hold back or curb your desires in order to not offend or overwhelm your husband.

You say quite openly—and I appreciate the candor—you don’t want the affair to stop but plan to never leave your husband. As you acknowledge, the affair at some point will end. Then what? The problem remains what to do about your striking difference. Coupledom is so often the negotiation of differences, often revolving most thornily around money, sex, and parenting.

You are not in an easy position and have not been for a while; I can even imagine being disappointed with your husband. Your behavior communicates this dissatisfaction. You sound like a genuinely nice person, and nice people can have trouble airing disagreements or disappointments.

I would be curious to know how this affair came to fruition—what led up to it, whether it was sudden or a slow build. Did you or your husband have an inkling of how vulnerable you were to sexual temptation? Did or does he possibly “look the other way”? (Some marriages have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy regarding affairs.) What does the man you’re having the affair with represent for you—besides the obvious—that your husband does not? I try to advise partners to not take the other’s (or their own) dissatisfactions for granted; they can fester and leap out of the unconscious via surprising actions or behaviors.

I am going to take a small leap here and guess you are writing not only because you feel guilty or worried about what your husband might think if he found out, but perhaps you’ve felt caught in a bind for some time now and want a little validation for maybe needing this affair—for needing to feel attractive and sexually desired. You may also feel angry at having to feel guilty, since you have self-sacrificed for a while.

I was struck when you said, near the end of your letter, you don’t expect your husband to fulfill every need you have, as if it would be an imposition to ask more of him. Maybe it’s time to be a tad more selfish.

You say quite openly—and I appreciate the candor—you don’t want the affair to stop but plan to never leave your husband. As you acknowledge, the affair at some point will end. Then what? The problem remains what to do about your striking difference. Coupledom is so often the negotiation of differences, often revolving most thornily around money, sex, and parenting.

Which also leads me to wonder: what, exactly, is the deal with your husband? Is he repressed or withholding in bed, and has this been discussed? Is there fear of intimacy or vulnerability on his part? Does he have a hint of how unsatisfied you have been? Are there health factors? Were I seeing you as a couple, I would ask you both to lean in. Your challenge would be to speak up and let him know how unsatisfied you feel and withstand the risk of his feeling hurt. The reason we stretch like this is because of the reward of a deep and unique empathy and trust.

As I’m writing this, I’m feeling the tug between hoping you’ll enjoy your overdue pleasure and the hope that a happier arrangement can occur with your husband, along with a diminishing of the guilt you’re feeling. Again, an affair is a short-term outlet, not a long-term adjustment or way of growing closer. Unless, of course, there’s a reason you do not wish to be closer. I just cannot shake the feeling that something is being avoided here: first on your husband’s part, and then perhaps on yours in wanting more but feeling it’s “obvious” it can’t happen. In the meantime, your psyche is in conflict.

You could, I suppose, continue to lead a double life of sorts, but in the long run that strikes me as potentially risky both for your husband’s feelings and trust and for your own peace of mind. I don’t sense your desires are going anywhere soon (and there’s nothing wrong with them). Sex can be a wild card; it’s hard to predict where passionate feelings will lead.

You’ll note I haven’t addressed the question of whether to tell your husband about the affair. In the first place, you did not ask, and secondly it is a tangled question in which there is an argument to be made on either side. It is easy to say “honesty is the best policy,” but this simply isn’t true all of the time, in every situation—and there are many truths in a complex relationship. I think it comes down to the kind of relationship you have and want to have. There are many helpful books and therapists out there to help you sort this out.

Thanks again for writing!

Darren Haber, PsyD, MFT

Two adults on floor smiling and talking togetherRomantics, myself included, melted when Tom Cruise uttered “You complete me” in the 1996 hit movie Jerry Maguire. Soon the sentiment became a litmus test of commitment and dedication in many relationships.

When I finished swooning, I realized how dangerous the belief behind the sentiment could be. Many people assume “completion” is my goal when I counsel couples in my practice, yet that couldn’t be further from the truth. The goals of effective relationship therapy are centered on teaching two whole, healthy individuals how to be great partners to each other. In my experience, someone who is unhappy and unfulfilled alone is likely to continue in this state when in a relationship. Additionally, someone who is happy and secure in who they are is likely to feel this way in a relationship (and if they don’t, they are likely to leave it). A stable love relationship can motivate someone to be a better person, but it will not make them a better person.

[fat_widget_right]

Millions of dollars and countless hours are spent each year trying to find out the best way to “be” in a relationship. The hope is we find that “perfect” way to think and act that will make our relationship smoother and make us feel good. In the process of trying to find the best way to present ourselves in a relationship, though, we often lose the unique way we see and relate to the world. Individual quirks, experiences, and views of the world are exactly what a healthy relationship needs.

If we found the perfect way to “be” and were able to mimic that in our relationships, how would we know the love our partner feels for us is genuine? Do they love us? Or do they love some template designed to be exactly what our partners want?

A mature and healthy love relationship says I choose to enjoy my life and want to do so with you. Stability in a relationship means happiness is an import instead of an export. The partners bring their happiness into the relationship to share, not expecting to extract happiness to fill their own deficits. Love and commitment come from finding someone you want to share your life with, not someone who you expect to give you a happy life.

I think of a stable relationship as a great surf-and-turf dinner. As a devout omnivore, I cannot imagine a better combination than a quality steak and a couple of grilled lobster tails. I love steak and lobster tail on their own, too, but there is something special about the two entrees nestled together on my plate. Likewise, in a stable relationship, both partners are great individually—but together they are amazing! Differences make for a more well-rounded experience.

Security in a healthy, mature relationship also includes choosing to be in the relationship with one another. This means choosing to share life together. It means choosing to put the well-being of the relationship over your own desires, your partner over your preferences.

Security in a healthy, mature relationship also includes choosing to be in the relationship with one another. This means choosing to share life together. It means choosing to put the well-being of the relationship over your own desires, your partner over your preferences. Choosing also means identifying when the relationship is unhealthy and taking steps to help it, even when that may seem difficult. It means loving yourself enough to acknowledge abuse and knowing that being alone is better than being in danger. We can choose to depend on our partners not because we have to in order to survive, but because we want to in order to thrive.

The notion that a loving relationship is the key to happiness is a myth. If a person looks to another flawed human being for everything they need, they will eventually experience disappointment. We are all trying to figure out life, and sometimes we make mistakes because, well, figuring it out is hard. Life gets harder when we become responsible for a partner’s happiness while trying to find our own.

Stable relationships can provide love, belonging, empathy, and companionship. They cannot provide all the things you may find lacking outside of a relationship. Completing another person is a fantasy. The reality is love is meant to complement your great life, not create it.

Close-up shot of two joined hands over tall grass in fieldRebuilding trust in your relationship can be difficult after it has been broken or compromised. Depending on the nature of the offense, convincing your partner that you can be trusted again may even feel impossible. The good news is it’s not. Trust can, in fact, be rebuilt if both partners are willing to put in the time and work.

Any healthy relationship is built on a foundation of mutual trust. Depending on the circumstances surrounding a breach of trust, the steps for reparation may vary. Certainly, there is a difference between a “little white lie” and an emotional or physical affair. If your relationship has experienced the latter, you may benefit from couples counseling.

[fat_widget_relationships_right]

Although there is no one-size-fits-all guide to restoring trust in a relationship, the steps below serve as a basic outline for reparation.

1. Own Up to Your Role

If you have offended or hurt someone by breaking trust, it’s critical to reflect on your actions and acknowledge and own your role. Dismissing, deflecting, minimizing, or casting blame will not help you in your efforts to come to grips with what happened and work toward repair. You must own your part to yourself before you can convince your partner you have taken ownership.

2. Make an Apology Plan

For many people, apologizing doesn’t come easily. It can make a person feel vulnerable, bringing up feelings of anxiety or fear. Be intentional about moving forward with your apology despite your discomfort. Gather your thoughts in advance. Writing down your thoughts can be helpful. Rehearsing what you want to say by standing in front of a mirror and practicing may help put you at ease. If you do rehearse, though, it’s important to mean what you intend to say. Don’t plan to simply say what you think the other person wants to hear in the hopes you’ll be forgiven and the offense forgotten. It doesn’t work that way.

3. Ask for a Good Time to Talk

The adage “timing is everything” can make a difference when apologizing. Ask your partner when a good time to talk would be. Let them know you have something important you would like to discuss. Let them dictate the timing of that discussion so they can give it, and you, their full attention.

4. Accept Responsibility

You have already owned up to yourself. Now it’s time to show your partner that you accept responsibility. Be sincere and use “I” messages: “I am so sorry to have hurt you,” “I really care about you and feel terrible that I have let you down.” Be specific, when possible, regarding what you are sorry about: “I am so sorry I told you that I went to the store when I was actually somewhere else,” “I feel awful that I lied to you about how I spent that money.” Communicate that you want to make things right. Let your partner know you recognize that you broke their trust and you are willing to work hard to regain it.

5. Actively Listen

After apologizing, hear your partner out. You’ve spoken; now it’s time to listen. Use active listening techniques. This means being receptive not only verbally but with your body language as well. Lean in and look your partner in the eye rather than folding your arms in a defensive posture. Be aware emotions may be heightened, yours included. Stay calm and validate your partner’s feelings; they have a right to them.

6. Back Up Your Words with Actions

A genuine apology is worth its weight in gold. However, in the absence of follow-through, your words become meaningless and future attempts at repair may be rejected. If your apology is accepted, it is up to you to demonstrate a pattern of dependable behavior over time. Go the distance and commit to being your best self: be humble, be kind, be affectionate, be appreciative, be loyal, be loving, and be trustworthy.

7. Be Patient

It takes time to rebuild trust in a relationship. Be patient with the process and with your partner. Also, recognize that being remorseful doesn’t mean beating yourself up. No one is perfect, and everyone makes mistakes. Take responsibility but be kind to yourself. It is normal to experience some guilt, shame, or self-loathing; just don’t let it overwhelm you. Look at this as an opportunity to grow rebuild trust and make your relationship stronger with your significant other.

Important Notice

GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.