Find the Right Therapist

Find the Right Therapist

Advanced Search | Don't show me this again.


What to Do If Your Partner Doesn’t Want to Get Married


The pages of women’s magazines are filled with articles offering methods for encouraging men to propose marriage, and entire websites are dedicated to increasing a person’s marry-ability. Both men and women can be hesitant about marriage, and when romantic partners have different opinions of marriage, the conflict can be challenging to resolve.

It is possible, however, to have a committed and loving relationship without marriage, and some people who are uncomfortable with marriage ultimately change their minds. A disagreement about marriage doesn’t have to end your relationship, particularly if you both are committed to the relationship.

Avoiding Marriage

If you’re itching to get married and your partner resists, it’s easy to assume there’s a problem with the relationship or that your partner isn’t fully committed to you. These issues could indicate that it’s time to consider moving on. But there are myriad other reasons people are uncomfortable with marriage that have nothing to do with the relationship. Cohabitation is an increasingly popular option; one 2013 study found that 32% of couples chose long-term cohabitation over marriage. Some reasons your partner might be uninterested in marriage include:

  • Discomfort with the events that surround a wedding, the costs associated with getting married, or family conflicts that can arise when a couple exchanges vows.
  • Fear of divorce.
  • Fear of losing one’s individual identity.
  • Wanting to “test” the relationship a little longer before taking the plunge.
  • Disliking the historical implications of marriage, which include viewing women as property and men as little more than providers.
  • A desire to avoid an institution in which some same-sex couples can’t participate.

The Role of Communication

As with so many other relationship issues, open and honest communication is the key to resolving disputes about marriage. You might assume you know your partner’s reason for avoiding marriage, but you don’t really know until you ask. Hearing that your partner is concerned that marriage might change the relationship will likely feel a lot better than simply assuming your partner doesn’t want to get married because he or she doesn’t love you.

And for partners who want to get married, explaining clearly and logically why you want to get married can make a big difference. The benefits of marriage include automatic paternal legitimation for children, significant tax benefits, and shared insurance. Pointing these out to your partner could help, but addressing his or her concerns is equally important. You might be able to come to an agreement about when you’ll reevaluate the marriage question and how you’ll address insecurities and relationship logistics in the meantime.

While you might feel hurt if your partner doesn’t want to marry you, it’s important to consider that marriage might mean something completely different to your partner. Consequently, it’s wise to focus on other ways to get your needs met rather than making marriage a deal-breaker. If, however, you can’t stay in a relationship that doesn’t end in marriage, trying to push the relationship toward marriage can cause it to fall apart. It might be better to end things now.

Addressing Potential Concerns

If you and your partner agree to live together without getting married, you’ll have the freedom to pick and choose which marriage benefits you want to take advantage of and which you want to avoid altogether. A simple contract, for example, can outline who owns what property and how it will be divided if you split up. And if you have a child together, you’ll need to ensure that both parents are listed on the birth certificate or that the nonbiological parent adopts the child. You won’t be able to get tax benefits, but you can still combine your lives in a way that works for both of you.


  1. Aleccia, J. (2013, April 4). “The new normal”: Cohabitation on the rise, study finds. NBC News. Retrieved from http://www.nbcnews.com/health/new-normal-cohabitation-rise-study-finds-1C9208429?franchiseSlug=healthmain
  2. Roberts, S. (2013, April 9). Against marriage: A ring does not define a relationship. The XX Factor. Retrieved from http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2013/04/09/the_case_against_marriage_a_ring_doesn_t_define_a_relationship.html
  3. Schwyzer, H. (2011, February 16). Why some men don’t want to get married. Alternet. Retrieved from http://www.alternet.org/story/149941/why_some_men_don’t_want_to_get_married

Connect with Zawn on Google+

© Copyright 2013 by www.GoodTherapy.org - All Rights Reserved.

Sign up for the GoodTherapy.org Newsletter!
Get weekly mental health and wellness news and information sent straight to your inbox!

  • Find the Right Therapist
  • Join GoodTherapy.org - Therapist Only
  • W.Grace June 29th, 2013 at 12:17 AM #1

    This may be a sticky subject to some people but for others cohabitation is perfectly fine.it doesn’t mean there is no love or the relationship has lost it’s fizz.problem begins if one partner wants to be married and the other doesn’t.so it’s essential to discuss this at an early stage of the relationship.

  • laura July 1st, 2013 at 4:35 AM #2

    If I have been with someone for a long time and I feel like marriage is the next logical step for us but I feel like he is holding back then I think that I would have to reconsider if the two of us are going to be a good match for one another. It’s one thing to want to hold off for a while if financially you are still getting things together or there are some relationship issues that the two of you are working through. But why not get married if you have done it all and the relationship is healthy and strong? getting married will only make it that much stronger so when there is that hesitation on the part of one of the people, then that to me sends up big warning signals. This might not be the right person to be with after all if you are convinced that marriage is the way to go and he istrying to avoid that commitment like the plague.

  • patti July 7th, 2013 at 3:58 AM #3

    I am a woman,and have known women, who’ve strung along for years,(although a man might find himself in the same situation,) Chicks grow a backbone. Do not spread your knees to a man you don’t love.And he should also be in love with you.Once this is a mutually established fact,you need,for your own protection, to give your love object, a goal, if not ultimatum, time-wise,’til you are engaged,with a date,and arrangements should start being made within a couple of weeks of that date for your wedding day. You don’t need some wedding marketer to sell you a $20,000 package, to live in future contented bliss either. DO NOT MOVE IN WITH THIS PERSON,if it can be at all avoided.One person’s trial marriage is, for another, a reason not to buy the cow, cause the cream is free. free,Thus inviting string-along.A lot of happy marriages srarted at the Courthouse or a minister’s office ceremony. Agood rule of thumb time wise for women is,if you are under 21,wait.After 22-25,18 mos-2yr.s,25-28,1yr,-18mos., over 28, 1yr, After 30,1yr. Men often consider women to have a youth,”shelf life,”(even though we might out live them by many years).Men don’t usaully have to worry about this,even though a man’s age may be important to a women).Keep that backbone,here’s the hard part,you must be prepared to tell your sweetie,that your dating is over,if the time is up.the relationship is over if they don’t commit by the appointed time. This will keep you,(and maybe the other person), from wasting years of your life. This seems old fashioned but it works, I told my boyfriend, once he let me know he was in love with me,and I with him,he had 18 mos. to marry me, or that’s it, bye-bye,and he proposed in 6 mos.! We married 1 yr.later,May 27, 2000.We’re still contently married,in love, and have 2 beautiful daughters.

  • Stephanie February 14th, 2014 at 1:35 PM #4

    It comes down to people not being compatible. I fail to see the logic behind staying with someone who doesn’t want to marry you if you want to marry. Some people can just settle for living together without marriage and children because they are not traditional. Perhaps some men want to wait for the right person.

    Everybody seems to need a point or an outcome to a relationship. Relations do not have to lead to marriage or children to be relationships. They can pass like chapters in a book, and onto the next in the story of life.

    I myself never wanted children, and do not appreciate the manipulative, self-serving, and controlling aspects of men who convince themselves, independent of me, that I must want to be a housewife with five kids bound and chained to the home. I didn’t want to marry someone who asked me one or two months after meeting out of the blue. I like to participate in the plans of my own life, not have someone else decide for me. There is a reason why I walked out of those relationships, and those men have only themselves to blame.

    It is not that I would not marry, but a relationship with someone is not the same as marriage, and these men are perfectly justified in refusing women who are wrong for them. The timing may not be right, the person, the demands, etc. Pushiness and calculations have ways of coming back to haunt people. I am not surprised that female manipulators are not taken down the altar. If the relationship has problems, the act of signing and sealing the deal is counterproductive and the death knell for a lot of relationships.

  • Brandy L September 1st, 2014 at 10:34 PM #5

    I am 20 years old and have been with this guy for three Yeats and we have to kids. Well I’m ready to be married. He asked me to marry him before we had our first child and now he don’t wanna get married. When I try to talk about it he laughs at me and said we are to young?? Three years and two kids come on… I don’t know what to do!!!!Advice please…

  • Ambra September 23rd, 2014 at 3:36 AM #6

    Same situation Brandy.
    I have two kids with my 5 years boyfriend. He proposed two years ago but I think I pushed him into it. I’m not wearing anymore his engagement ring ’cause, as I told him, I feel he has been joking me. Anytime, ANYTIME I ask him to set a date or tell him I can’t wait for it he makes out new excuses: It’s because he doesn’t have enough money, it’s because the kids are small, it’s because he’s afraid he’ll upset the people he won’t invite, it’s because he doesn’t have time to make a guest list..and so on.
    Last night I could see him writhing when I suggested him to get married in three months,me organizing everything, very small ceremony, a handful of guests,500 bucks worthy. He was as scared as shit. I think he has no balls to tell me he doesn’t want to.
    I told him he’s encouraging me to start looking around me.
    He’s so hopeless when it comes to this. Maybe we’re bound to split up soon. Maybe it’s not happening ’cause it would be a mistake. A Tibetan proverb says : “Sometimes your biggest fortune is not to get what you want”.

  • charlene September 28th, 2014 at 10:10 PM #7

    I don’t know what to do if my boyfriend don’t want to get married. I love him so much. We been living together for two years and 2 months. I want to leave but I can’t I love him.It’s driving me crazy

  • kerri October 1st, 2014 at 2:40 PM #8

    I have been with my partner for nearly 6 yrs and we have two boys and my daughter from a previous relationship who has now got his last name before we even got together i told him i wanted marriage and more kids he said he wanted the same after we had our first son he then told me he dont want marrige i thought it would change but now all our kids have his name i brought it up saying i want to have the same name as my kids he then tells me hes not in love with me anymore and now he wants to try work on our relationship even if he would fall back in love with me i dont think he will ever marry me what should i do

  • yolanda October 17th, 2014 at 12:27 AM #9

    Charlene, hi I had to let my boyfriend go after 2 years. We agreed to marriage after 2 years of dating. Things were good then we went through a rocky time in our relationship. This is when he went from I want to marry to I not ready to I will be like my dad and never get married again. It was hard for me because I love him I let him go because I love myself and i deserve to be loved and respected I’am a virtuous woman.

  • Trisha November 3rd, 2014 at 2:41 AM #10

    I brought up the fact that I wanted to get married, and my boyfriend’s response? “I’m not in a hurry.” HOWEVER, there have been times, like our vacation to Vegas a few years ago, that he suggested getting married while we were there. He’s sending me mixed messages about whether he wants to get married or not, but he won’t give me a straight answer no matter how many times I try to talk to him. I’d hate to think I’ve wasted 8 years on someone who doesn’t want the same things I want.

  • liz November 8th, 2014 at 12:36 PM #11

    5yrs together going on 6. A 4yr old. We share finances, we have insurance together, our whole life we have everything together, but we aren’t married. We are even looking for a house! We have talked about marriage but the answer I get is “soon”. It’s been 5yrs! Apparently he wants our life to be ready financially and have the security of a house before we get married and have another child (which I respect apparently). But what if we never get the house? Will we never get married? Our whole relationship has always been backwards since we started living together almost immediately. But most couples live together, get married, get the house then have a child. I love my family and I would never leave because of this but how long do I need to wait for?

  • Athena November 11th, 2014 at 2:01 PM #12

    Why do you need to get married? Be your own person and live your own life. What do you think will be added to your life or the lives of your children by getting married? Do you think he’ll love you more? Do you think he’ll behave more responsibly towards you financially or otherwise? No. Being married adds nothing to your relationship and only means that he will now have a legal right to take your children away from you if he wins custody. And if you don’t have children and are more finacially successful than him he will have the right to sue you for support if he doesn’t feel like working. Marriage isn’t what it used to be. When I got married I thought it would protect my self and my children. Wrongo. He will have even more control over you if you marry him and trust me, that doesn’t add anything to your life. In the words of Billy Holiday: God bless the child that has her own; she don’t worry about nothing.

  • Jules j. November 18th, 2014 at 3:12 PM #13

    I’ve been with my partner nearly 2 years he proposed to me not long after we met planned our wedding but he called it off cuz of my insecurities he told me tonight that he will never marry me so don’t ask me. how do I deal with that?

  • Jade C. November 19th, 2014 at 3:39 AM #14

    My fiancé won’t marry me until I become tidy. I’m a bit messy. He blames me for his illness. Been together I’ve 12 years.

  • Jules j. November 24th, 2014 at 12:03 PM #15

    I’m going thru a similar experience my partner dosent want to marry me broke my heart when he told me I’m still hurting now :(

  • N Grace November 25th, 2014 at 5:58 AM #16

    I asked my boyfriend about marriage last night and he said he’s never getting married and if that’s what I want then I should find someone else. I had to lie to him and tell him its not what I want. I love this guy but when we first got together he wanted marriage. He’s changed completely in that length of time, he never even says I love you anymore. What should I do? I’m hurting but I have to lie to him and say I’m not, only because he said he doesn’t care anymore.

  • Cassie B November 27th, 2014 at 4:55 AM #17

    Hi everyone, its overwhelming to see all your comments, and im happy that im not alone. I have been with this guy for 7 years and we have 2 kids, he was so eager to marry me when we are in our early stages of the relationship, and now he just doesnt want to anymore, he keeps telling me its only a paper blah blah. change is constant and he’s probably not the same person ive loved and met 7 years ago, maybe we werent right for each other anymore? Honestly im starting to lose interest, i dont know,

  • neovalys g. December 16th, 2014 at 5:10 PM #18

    Iv been with My boyfriend forma almost a year i know its linda early to be asking him about marrage but next month Will be oír annaversary and i asked him if he want to get married when HeS older and he said no he dont he said that its stupid …. But i want to get married cause i really love him and im trying to talk him into it but i dont want to pressure himi want him to want to get married what should i do plz someone tell me why he dont really want to get married …..? HELP

  • WifeWithout'aHusband January 2nd, 2015 at 3:48 PM #19

    I have been in a relationship for nearly 2 decades with my first love, my only boyfriend and the father of our two children. Granted when we began this journey we were much too young, we had a lot of growing up and living to do, but after all this time he refuses to marry me, saying that he just doesn’t see the point. While I never really needed in the past, I can’t imagine not getting married. I can’t imagine why he wouldn’t want to call me his wife. I’m hurt and confused and I don’t know if I need help to learn to accept this or to move on. I’m lost.

  • Veronica January 5th, 2015 at 2:20 AM #20

    Hey I’m in the same situation my boyfriend doesn’t want to marry me or get married he doesn’t we have been together for 5 years i have a child from my previous marriage who is twelve and he wants to be stepdad to her I’m
    Not happy he had to been working for 3 years and hasn’t looked for a job due to mental health issues we have been staying with his patents I can’t stand his mum the old witch does not like me and made my life he’ll. I don’t know what to do my priority is to bring up my daughter as her dad us incapable of doing so what should I do about my partner

  • Veronica January 5th, 2015 at 2:23 AM #21

    Hey grace my best answer ditch this guy he is a player and he wants to sleep around he is a conquest man he has taken you and he wants to dump basically dump him and throw him out with the rubbish where he belongs

  • Tori January 17th, 2015 at 11:26 AM #22

    If you ever need someone to talk to or process feelings with, feel free to contact me. I am in a similar situation, and I am anxious to put this issue to rest for myself, hurt creeps in on a regular basis now. I am trying to do the right thing for myself and I’m not sure that being with someone who wouldn’t be honored to call me their wife, is the right thing for me. It’s really hard because the relationship (was) really special and this issue has tainted it. Perhaps we can be of support to one another.

  • Tori January 17th, 2015 at 11:39 AM #23

    Marriage is so much more then a piece of paper. I really believe that when people claim that’s all it is, they are either misinformed of the seriousness of building a life with someone without the relationship being legally recognized in the eyes of the law, OR, they do know the significance and they are minimizing marriage for other reasons.
    I would have preferred to never marry again, but the person I’m seeing wanted a serious relationship with me. Now that I know that never included marriage, I believe what they wanted was for me to move in, have me be tied down, full commitment from me, have all of me, all without the legal protections that those who truly love their significant other would INSIST being in place. The exception of course, is that some people really do not give much thought to what happens in an emergency, or if one gets sick, or wanting to protect their supposed loved one. Marriage is so much more then a piece of paper and I believe that even if two people think the relationship may not work out, get a prenup, (get one no matter what actually) prepare for the worst, but make sure that if building a life together, that protections are in place.

  • jlynn January 26th, 2015 at 8:48 AM #24

    I am 38 and my boyfriend is 52 and we have been together for 7 years..I want to get married and have told him that..he says he will never get married again and when I ask him why he says he doesn’t know .. I love him and I don’t want to leave him but marriage is important to me.. the problem is if I leave him I don’t know if I will ever love someone like that again to make me ever want to marry them ..I bring up marriage to him almost everyday because that’s all I want to do is marry him..I’m not obsessed with marriage but I do want to know that the man I’m with loves me the same way I love him and if he does you would think he would want to marry me ..I’m have told him that I will leave in 2 years if we are not married and he said if I do he would understand..how can someone that loves someone let someone leave instead of marrying them?

  • jlynn January 26th, 2015 at 8:57 AM #25

    I’m in the same boat..I don’t want to be with someone for the next 20 years and find out he didn’t really love me

  • upstate mom February 2nd, 2015 at 10:23 AM #26

    Same boat. I have two children from my previous marriage that my SO is raising. Im currently expecting our 2nd child together, 4 kids total. We have a house together, a life together, a family together. Seems logical to get married. He even proposed 6 months ago. Now he refuses to tie the knot. Says asking me was a huge mistake. We’ve both been divorced once, so I think he’s scared of it happening again.I feel like he’s telling me I’m not good enough to make a lifelong commitment to. Or protect our investments for me and the kids if he were to meet an early demise or vise versa.

  • Whispers February 6th, 2015 at 12:53 PM #27

    Starting to see I’m not the only one in this situation… don’t really know what to do, I can’t seem to just ‘get over it’ I feel resentful and hurt comes out in other ways… lost

  • Whispers February 6th, 2015 at 1:00 PM #28

    Valentines is hard, if any of you are like me your wonder if boyfriends have a secret plan to propose then get completely heart broken and empty when they don’t then feel stupid… do it every year now! Try to convince myself he’s just ‘throwing me of the scent’ Then end up feeling absolutely stupid and disappointed. )': could use a friend or just someone who understands.

  • jlynn February 6th, 2015 at 7:36 PM #29

    I know what you mean.. I keep wondering if he will ever care how much being married means to mean and surprise me on Valentine’s day.. I’m even like that when we go on vacation like Vegas or a cruise.. I’m always disappointed after that he doesn’t and he thinks I’m depressed because vacation is ending .. yes Valentine’s Day is really depressing for me as well

  • jlynn February 6th, 2015 at 7:37 PM #30

    *means to me…(sorry typo)

  • desi February 13th, 2015 at 4:06 AM #31

    I am in the exact same boat! We should be each others support system. I’m with a man who’s 20 yrs older than me with 3 kids and divorced 5 years ago…I’m a better mom to his kids than his ex because she’s crazy.
    We’ve been dating and living together for 3 years now and since 2 years ago he’s been talking about marriage, said where we’d have our wedding, bought a loose diamond for my ring but won’t ever put it in a setting. It’s just collecting dust. He will say small things like “I’m dreaming of you in a white wedding dress” and completely lead me onto thinking it’s happening but he always says “SOON.” Well how long is soon? We just had a fight 2 nights ago because he told me he’s in no rush and gas no need to get married. He doesn’t want me to have any “power” Long story short, our relationship the last few months has just been tense ever since he bought the loose diamond. Marriage is so important to me, my entire life. I’ve never been married and he told me he would never marry again until he met me…Now he’s just harsh and cold about it whereas he used to be sweet and excited. I can’t leave him I love him too much but I don’t know what to do. He should have never married his ex, she’s mean and disgusting and gave him red flags but he did! Now he won’t marry me when he tells me I’m the best he’s had in his entire life? We have intimacy every single day. What man wouldn’t marry along with how much I do for him and his kids? :'(

  • WifeWithour'aHusband February 14th, 2015 at 6:00 PM #32

    Hi Tori,

    I had never published anything on such a blog. I didn’t know what to expect. I almost forgot about it, but of course on a day like today I can’t help but feel sad. Even though I’m not alone I feel incomplete. Thanks for reading, listening and taking the time to respond.

  • jlynn February 15th, 2015 at 4:31 AM #33

    Well at least we made it through another depressing Valentine’s Day

  • Frustrated February 18th, 2015 at 3:43 PM #34

    Wow, in a way its helpful to see I’m not the only one struggling with this. My partner (beginning to despise that eorf as husband would be nicer) and I have both been married before. We are very much in love and have been living together now for over a year. We almost never argue and have a fantastic relationship except for the fact he doesn’t want to get married. He admits its because his last one failed and he doesn’t see the point. I on the other hand am old fashioned and believe if you really love someone and want to be together forever you make the commitment and leap of faith and marry. I feel like if it was good enough for him to marry before maybe I’m not worthy enough. It is making me sad and its becoming a problem. We have discussed it rationally but we can’t agree on this one. He said if it means so much to me he guesses he will have to, to make me happy. What he doesn’t understand is I DONT want him to “have to”, if he doesn’t “Want” too then its tainted. I love him so much and want to proudly call him my husband. I’m worried this may become a bigger issue the longer it continues. Funny thing is my last two long term relationships were the opposite. They wanted marriage but I didn’t. I knew it wasn’t “the right one”. I know my partner is ” the one” I just would love to seal the deal. I’ve offered eloping and a prenup but its still a no. 😢

  • jlynn February 20th, 2015 at 4:10 PM #35

    I offered the prenup too and he still said no..we have a great relationship as well but he says he just don’t want to and don’t know why..we have both been married before as well and I struggle with the same thing: what made her good enough to marry and not me” I was raised by a grandfather that always told me if a man don’t want to marry you than he don’t love you..I hope I don’t waste a lifetime with someone and find out he doesn’t love me..he honestly acts like he does but I just don’t get why he doesn’t want to get married.. I can’t imagine being in love this much with someone else but I can’t just can’t stop feeling pain everytime I hear about someone I know getting married..

  • not to old February 26th, 2015 at 3:12 PM #36

    Hi everyone..how are you! My heart goes out to all of you!If only you could determine..if you both want marriage…and its a goal for the relationship..from the very beginning.
    I have been in a relationship 6 years 5 months with my boyfriend…we have grown together..loved and helped each other..I have given him my heart..in a way I have never given it to anyone.I want marriage..now he doesn’t.He has been married before..and has a daughter..who I just adore too!My heart has been heavy over this…yet if I look deeper at our relationship…maybe I’d find..its run its course..it was for a time..a reason..a season…No matter what..if a man really loves you..he will want to please you in this way…he won’t want to lose you..or see you in the arms of another.Yes..some men have been hurt in divorce before..and are scared..then some want all the benefits of a loving..good relationship without the commitments..and yet again..everyone has to decide what they think on getting married or not!..in reality..we the ones who would lime marriage end up sacrificing what we want(marriage) for what the ones who don’t believw in marriage want!…yet I have loved my man very much..he is the best of men..a great man with a huge heart!….still..can you stay..feeling he won’t commit to you..the way you would commit to him…only time will tell..pray to God for strength and answers..Jesus says..Come to me all who labor and are heavy burdened..and I will give you rest.One day ..there will be a “marriage”.. known as ” the bridegroom and the bride”..that takes place when Christ returns to this earth..and through believing in him…and receiving salvation and forgiveness through his name…we are invited to the marriage supper if the lamb if God..who takes away..the sins of the world…that’s one day..I want to get ready for and not miss

  • jlynn February 27th, 2015 at 7:45 PM #37

    It’s really hard to accept that the man you love with all your heart acts like he loves you and would do anything for you except marry you…I’m so heartbroken but I don’t know if I can walk away and not have him in my life..even though I am heartbroken walking away would rip it to shreds… unfortunately I just found out a couple days ago my brother is getting married and I have been majorly depressed and even bitter(not toward him or my boyfriend) and it’s causing tension with our relationship..I honestly am afraid he’s going to get tired of my depression and my want for marriage that he is going to be the one that ends our relationship… I’m so lost..

  • Marie F. March 2nd, 2015 at 8:22 PM #38

    I’m 47 and partner is 57, been together for 2+ years and living together for more than a year. He has called me his wife for over a year and intermittently says things like we should be married by now and he wishes I was his wife. Expected proposal at Christmas and Valentine’s Day-got nothing. Says now we need to wait until he can afford the ring he wants to buy me. I said it’s not about a ring, it’s the relationship. Income over 180000 so it’s not that we can’t afford it. Feel like I’m being strung along. So glad to see I’m not the only one! Love him so much but starting to feel resentful and afraid this one issue is the beginning of the end

  • wifewithoutthering March 10th, 2015 at 12:56 AM #39

    My guy is my best friend, we’ve been together for almost 6 years, we’re 25 and 26. We have 2 beautiful children, I love his family, we love each other dearly, he calls me his wife. We got a ring a few months ago, but I have yet to see it, or a proposal. I don’t ever want to leave, but I’m wondering what the hold up is. He’s always said he was against marriage, but I figured he would change his views for me. I swear he’s just trying to throw me off or something. He’s talked about how much he loves weddings, and when I talk about our wedding, he doesn’t stop me. I have no doubt he’s the love of my life, but its almost insulting, and very confusing.

  • wifewithoutthering March 10th, 2015 at 1:04 AM #40

    I want to add, that my father in law passed away suddenly 6 months ago. Him and my mil had never married and it left her in a tight situation legally. She had to get a lawyer to keep her house. We’ve talked about the importance have having the medical advocacy. I don’t speak to my family, so I wouldn’t want them to get any legal advantage over the person who really should be making the choices for me and our children should the need come.
    Its so enlightening to see other women going through similar situations!

  • Eren March 11th, 2015 at 4:49 PM #41

    I’m so heartbroken because in 2013 we where supposed to get married he bought me my dress my shoes well everything, we had to postpone to dec 2013 the wedding because my 5 m bb got very sick of Bronchitis so I couldn’t dis attend her. So dec came and no more planning the wedding conversation until 2014 and finally we talked about dec of last yr that he would like get marryed in May 15 2015. Yesterday I mention the wedding and said that was “a stage that we’ve already pass by to” mmm that why can’t I be independent that he doesn’t believe in Marrige “” I’m like wtf?? Need help here

  • sad March 11th, 2015 at 5:58 PM #42

    Dont even know what to think anymore. I am a 51 year old widow, bf is 53, divorced, and went through a horrible and expensive split with first wife. We have been living together for over 2 years. He says I am the love of his life. Says he dont want to marry ever again. (Though I am “the love of his life”) says he couldn’t love me more if i had a ring. Supposedly wants to grow old with me.I love him dearly. I Cook, clean, laundry, etc..but…I am old fashioned. I feel he gets all the husband benefits without the title. He says I made his house a home. It had been made clear, what was his before we got together remains his, and his adult sons will inherit all. I have no problem with that. But I feel i am living in limbo. I know he does love me, but cant help feeling like a convienient housekeeper and built in piece of a@$, so we will never marry, but could a ring, showing commitment, and Mother Men that I am “suponen for”

  • L. C. P March 16th, 2015 at 10:32 PM #43

    Hello everyone,
    So I’ve been dating for 3+yrs now and we are surely in love and our relationship couldn’t be better. He’s the best boyfriend in the world.
    The MAJOR problem is that even so we are happy and he would certainly be a very good father he says he never ever wants to get married or have kids.
    I’m sure I found a wonderful man but what can I do?

  • L. C. P March 16th, 2015 at 10:33 PM #44

    You should talk to him. Your situation is very clear and if that’s what you think you deserve you should say what you feel.

  • L. C. P March 16th, 2015 at 10:36 PM #45

    You absolutely shouldn’t be scared of him leaving you bc your depressed!! If he really loves you he should stand by you and absolutely wouldn’t do such a thing! Did you talk to him? Ask him how he feels towards your “wanting a marriage” talks

  • Alicia March 17th, 2015 at 5:55 AM #46

    Wow, I have read all of the comments.This made me realize that I’m not the only one struggling with the thought of marriage. My fiance and I are at a road block with this. He purposed to me almost 2 years ago next month and we have been together now for several years. We have a 1 year old daughter together. Marriage and commitment is important to me, but something has changed since his divorce and gaining custody of his two children from his previous marriage. I have been married before myself and I was heartbroken when it came to an end, but my ex and I have a civil relationship where his is a constant battle and they can’t get along. We are good together and our family has blended together nicely. Everyone loves each other and it’s like we are meant to be united. What I cant handle is the thought he asked me to marry him two years ago before having out daughter and his two children started living with us full-time. We have everything pretty much joint now, so the only thing left to complete us is marriage. When it comes up it turns into a huge fight. He can’t even talk about it with me. I just don’t understand what changed and every time I try to walk away he tells me he is sorry and what’s the hurry. This makes me sad and angry! I feel as though my only role will ever be is a girlfriend and a mother because he isn’t ready.

  • alicia March 17th, 2015 at 1:53 PM #47

    I get the same reply! What’s the hurry or I’m just not ready. SIGH

  • jlynn March 17th, 2015 at 8:15 PM #48

    Yea I have talked to him and told him I’m sick and depressed over this but he says there is nothing he can do because he doesn’t want to ever get married and it’s not because he doesn’t love me.. my problem still remains if I leave him I’m hurt and if he never marries me I will be left wondering why and if he really ever loved me at all..he sure acts like he does but one thing is if he let’s me walk out on him knowing that the reason I am is because he won’t committ did he really ever love me?

  • Paul March 18th, 2015 at 9:50 PM #49


    I proposed to my former girlfriend last night and she said to that she cant give me an answer, she told me that she was surprised and she didn’t think that i’m gonna do the proposal thing. we have an incoming 2 year old son this coming april, and there were both living together. any advise please, coz im totally wondering why she did not give me an answer. Thak You

  • jlynn March 20th, 2015 at 8:16 AM #50

    How old are you? Have you or her been married before? Do you argue or break up alot? These all can be factors in not wanting to get married…in my situation we have both been married and divorced to other people but we get along great but he said he will never marry me but don’t know why..have you asked her why?

  • meghan March 22nd, 2015 at 10:56 AM #51

    I have been date this guy for 3 years he ask me to marry him I say yes then I book the venue bought my wedding dress and had the date pick out then he got cold feet and cancel everything we still live together I give up my whole life and move to a new place for him. I left my family and friends behind to be with him he won’t commit to me and I feel stuck.

  • Paul March 23rd, 2015 at 8:35 AM #52

    Hi jlynn,

    I am 30 years old, we both havent been married before. we just take a break once, upto now. Yes i asked her why, and still i didnt recieve any answer. The exact answer statement that she told me was “I dont have any answer, It’s not a yes and It’s not a no”

  • jlynn March 23rd, 2015 at 9:27 AM #53

    I don’t think going backwards in a relationship ever works out for the couple..if he asked you to marry him and now he wants to drop the relationship status I wouldn’t let him..I would tell him you expect to have a date set soon..unfortunately for me I can’t even get mine to ask me..

  • jlynn March 23rd, 2015 at 9:33 AM #54

    If you want kids get out now..I think your want for marriage and kids will never go away..I’ve seen situations where the woman became to old to have kids and than her boyfriend ended up leaving her and had kids and married someone else.

  • jlynn March 24th, 2015 at 7:51 PM #55

    I know how you feel.. I am 38 and my boyfriend is 52 ..we have both been married before though..when I ask him why he don’t want to get married again he says “I don’t know why” he has told me it’s not me he just never wants to do it again..it makes me upset to know that he would let me walk away than marry me..

  • jlynn March 24th, 2015 at 10:20 PM #56

    *we were both married before to different people not to each other

  • Reddaisy March 28th, 2015 at 10:50 PM #57

    EXactly….how i feel :-( i dont understand him(boyfriend of 6 yrs!)…hes been in two bad marriages…his ex’s were psycho’s and were abusive. Im very big hearted…i blew it up today( i btl my stuff in) i thought for sure he’d b comingover tonite mad. He wasnt. Very sad. I know he loves me, right?why am i not good enough for him to marry?? He has 3 older kids…his youngest is a sr.—ive got 4 ranging frm 6,13,14,15 and hes truely happy when hes w/us! Hes not like that at his home and w/his kids…his mom also lives w/him too. Idk i put myself down, obviously! I am pretty andnice to pp and genuine.

  • An Orange March 29th, 2015 at 7:31 PM #58

    I have a similar situation, my partner and I living together for 6 years and 7 years in relationship.
    Every time I asked him about commitment he always walk away and laughed at me.
    Last time we had big argument because if his 20 years old daughter from private married who act like a 2 year girl as always, clearly his daughter comes first. I wanted to move on but I love him, I don’t know how can I going with this.
    I’m 29 this year and he’s 54. I never married but he has twice with same lady which is his EX that there devised 19-20 years ago.

  • sarah March 30th, 2015 at 7:20 AM #59

    I’ve been with this guy for seven years, he asked me to marry him almost 5 years ago and still no date set. It feels like he will never set a date. We have 2 children and I’m to the point of leaving. Marry me or let me go!

  • laeive March 30th, 2015 at 5:49 PM #60

    Hello. So me and my boy friend have been dating 3.5 years now. We have 2 kids a 1 year old and 2 year old.I’m American and he is african my mom is a respectful Christian and bugs us always about being married and living under the same roof with the kids. I don’t won’t to be a bad example for my kids on the Godly way… he never wants to talk about commitment he just says over and over that he loves me and would nt be here of he didnt. He so disconnected from me an the kids and only wants to do things with us when it’s convenient for him. I am at the point of no return because I feel like I’m wasting my time.. I have prayed but no change so is it really time for me to change? And if so how?

  • jlynn March 30th, 2015 at 7:54 PM #61

    I don’t know what to do either..if I leave I’m going to be hurt and if I stay I’m going to be hurt knowing that he don’t want to marry me and won’t even tell me why..I would leave if I thought it would make him change his mind and see that he’s going to lose me for good if he doesn’t committ.. but what if he doesn’t come after me? Could I live with the decision I made to walk away?

  • Marte April 2nd, 2015 at 7:13 AM #62

    Me and my bf have been together for 9 years. Both of us didn’t want to rush into anything as we were both young so marriage and kids were never an option. However now we are getting to a point in our lives were I’m 26 and he is 29, near graduation and about to start our life’s together. We have conversations,, about our future a lot even marriage, but the way he talks about its years away.

    For April fools he thought it would be funny to announce our engagement on Facebook and it hit a nerve. I brought it up suggesting perhaps we should get engaged. He said it wasn’t the right time to talk about it and that he made a mistake and shut the conversation down.

    I just feel lost and that for him it will never be the right time.

  • TrakeM April 2nd, 2015 at 12:55 PM #63

    The numbers just don’t add up.

    Generally when a woman is just out looking for love and not a long term investment, she’ll pick a cocky jerk and sleep with him within a few dates if not sooner. If a woman is looking for a long term investment she will pick a gentleman with a nice career and not sleep with him for some time. The statistics on love back this up. Women sleep with a man they are cohabiting with the most, followed by boyfriends with husbands being loved the least. 75% of divorces are initiated by the wife. Men are generally taken to the cleaners in divorce courts in a way that cannot be done by anyone who cares. All of these observations/facts agree with each other and show that as a general rule women don’t love their husbands.

    Some of you take a very my way or the highway kind of mercenary approach consistent with the data. Those here with this approach say it works. I wouldn’t be surprised. Many men are too stupid to realize that if women aren’t sleeping with him it’s because they don’t love him. Many men are too stupid to realize that if a woman wants to marry, she probably doesn’t love him.

    Many here are saying that you love your man and want to marry him. I’m sure there are cases like this but the data suggest it’s the exception to the rule not the rule. Something doesn’t add up, and I’m not sure what. I will rack my brains on this for a while and see what I can come up with.

  • WifeWithOut'aHusband April 3rd, 2015 at 12:09 PM #64

    I’m not sure why some people, me being one of those people, allow themselves to be in a relationship for years and years knowing, or feeling like that there’s something missing. We live one life without any guarantees on how long, yet we’ll live unhappy, or less than. I think it has to do with pain that we saw growing, which now normalizes the pain that we’re currently. Except that it shouldn’t be that way. Yes, pain is apart of life, but if you’re experiencing more sadness than happiness with a particular situation it’s just not the right situation.

    It’s harder when a family is involved. It’s harder when he’s a good guy, but the fact still remains that I’m not getting what I want. What I need!

  • sassybitch April 4th, 2015 at 8:15 AM #65

    I totally believe that if a man loves his woman and wants a future with her and sees her as his wife than he’ll pop the question after a year or two. If after at least two years he hasn’t than he doesn’t love you enough to want to make such a commitment to you. I’m telling you the truth ladies so don’t waste a other year on a guy that doesn’t love you and want to pop question after 2 years. You should find a guy that has no dought after 2 years and one that knows he loves you to death and can’t live without you and wants to be you’re husband. Theres alot of romantic loving men out there that day dream about marriage just as much as us women do. Women that want marriage and don’t want to settle with just dating need to dump their looser bf and find thos romantic type of guy. Wtf wud any woman wait longer than 3 years for a ring! Get the clue that after 3 years he doesn’t love you enough so don’t settle for a man that don’t love you. So many women hold on and on hoping this will be the year smh… you’re not getting any younger

  • jlynn April 4th, 2015 at 8:32 AM #66

    I don’t agree with the fact that if a woman wants to marry a man she doesn’t love him..makes no sense…nor do I agree with the fact that it’s the woman’s fault for divorce more than the men’s..I’m fact I disagree with most of what you say..especially when I work with more men then women and hear how they brag about cheating on their wives all day and how stupid their wife is that they don’t know it..it’s a sad future for our children when more and more men refuse to committ and are setting bad examples for the future generations..

  • jlynn April 4th, 2015 at 8:34 AM #67

    Sorry he did that to you when he knew how much you wanted marriage.. my boyfriend knows better than do that to me

  • Lizzie s April 5th, 2015 at 12:19 AM #68

    I’ve been with my partner now for 13 years, he asked me to married him after 6 months of meeting… I wasn’t ready then- fast forward to Christmas 2014, we booked a holiday and he said about getting married there… I was delighted as was our two children- I’ve booked everything for the wedding, now to be told we are rushing into it- he doesn’t want to get married, what do I do the weddings in 7 weeks… I’m completely heartbroken :(

  • Confused April 5th, 2015 at 9:35 PM #69

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for over 2 years. We have a great relationship and never had a fight. We do not live together because my daughter is a junior in HS and I don’t want to move her at this point. Our plan is to move in together once she graduates. We have both been married once before. I’m 50 and he’s 54. He had a very expensive breakup and this is the main reason that he doesn’t want to marry again. I always thought that I didn’t want to either but I didn’t think I would meet someone I love like I do him. I am hurt that he doesn’t want to marry me. I feel rejected. At this point I don’t think i will sell my house and move in with him when the time comes. Just like others have said.. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free. I love this man but I am unsure of our future at this point. Being 50 and saying “my boyfriend” is starting to turn me off.. help.. What do I do??? I need advise!!

  • jlynn April 6th, 2015 at 10:33 PM #70

    I feel the same way about calling him “my boyfriend” ..feels like I’m in high school..we have been together 7 years and I can’t understand why he doesn’t want to commit when he is always telling me how much he loves me..

  • Tori April 8th, 2015 at 9:32 PM #71

    I couldn’t remember how to get back to this site. So glad I found it again

  • truelove April 12th, 2015 at 10:45 PM #72

    Please people don’t stay in these relationships.Why get married when you’re continuing to function and go on as a couple. I left my 4 year relationship for the very same reason and now happily engaged after dating someone new for 6 months. Leave! If they love you they will make every effort to get you back and make you happy including marriage. If not you will know they never planned on marrying you in the first place.

  • martina April 13th, 2015 at 2:33 AM #73

    I too ave been with my boyfriend for 7 years I have 3 teenage children that he gets on fine with he says he loves me but doesn’t want to live together till they’re older im 41 nd hes 53 can’t even get him to go on a family holiday ….. In every way he’s a brilliant man would do anything more you except commit

  • martina April 13th, 2015 at 2:36 AM #74

    join the club I do it every occasion xmas birthday nd valentines all because he told me someday he would want to but not sure when

  • Confused April 13th, 2015 at 3:20 PM #75

    I’m sorry you’re dealing with this after 7 years. I guess it’s up to us whether to stay. We discussed it again this weekend and I told him at this point even if he asked me to marry him, I wouldn’t feel it was sincere, I don’t know…

  • Confused April 13th, 2015 at 3:26 PM #76

    That’s a rough one! Is he good with your child? That is very important since the bio dad is Mia so to speak. I wouldn’t support a man.. No way! I hope he’s getting some type of disability money. As for the mean mom, I feel for ya.. My BOYFRIEND’S (yeah.. Bf / not husband) mother and sister do not like me .. For no reason.. SCREW THEM!!

  • jlynn April 13th, 2015 at 9:34 PM #77

    I know it’s so hard..I really love him but I don’t think he will ever want to marry me..I told him last night I will never get over wanting to get married and all he said is “I know”…I’m so confused on what to do..I finally found a man that I truly love and he don’t want to marry me…

  • Jess April 20th, 2015 at 5:04 AM #78

    HELP, I moved to another city to be with my boyfriend of 8 years as my living arrangements changed so we thought it would be a good idea for me to move. He has been wonderful however as of yet we don’t live together. He does stay over and we see each other neally everyday. We have grown up together our love is amazing however I’m missing home and my pets a lot when the days I don’t see him I start to freak out and say I want to go home. Recently I’ve had a rough time finding work and I called my mum, she wants me to come home but on the condition I never speak to my bf again. I have spoken to my bf who wants me to stay but also wants me to be happy. He said if I want to go home for a few months until he finds a house for us to move in together he will come and get me. He is also having financial issues which my mum doesn’t understand all she sees is I’ve been in a relationship for 8 years and not married but I know he will marry me and he has assured me. Do I go home and wait till he has our life set up and be around family and pets or should I stay because I love him so much. Either way he will marry me, I just have doubts if I stay I might push him away by my stress of being alone some days or do I risk going home on his promise until he is ready….

  • Jananne April 21st, 2015 at 5:54 AM #79

    Wow this is such a common problem. So many of us women heratbroken – mine happened last weekend ; after 3 years of dating and spending lots of time together including holidays and sleep overs with our respective kids, I asked about a commitment and that I believed marriage was so important. He went away for 24 hours and came back having decided that he now knew he didnt want to get married again even though he knew it was adeal breaker for me. I think -jlyn – your comments are the ones I most identify with. I am 47 with two boys, he is 55 with a daughter who lives with him part time. We have both been married twice before. I have a lovely house and enjoy my independence but want to be his wife and be a family once more, not just live together with all the sacrifices that entails without knowing he is fully commited to me in all ways. But he is such a lovely man that I dont want to leave, and risk maybe being alone forever. What do we all do? Are we all destined to remain unhappy??? No one has answers and I am so sad because the future I thought we had, and my future has jsut disappered and as someone said, this has already tainted what was a great relationship with some uncertainty. The uncertainty has gone but replaced with a knowledge that has brought pain and confusion. Sad sad sad :(

  • amy April 21st, 2015 at 10:25 AM #80

    I’m on the same boat. I’m 31 and my bf is 40. He’s divorced. We’ve been together for 4 years …..bought a house together 3 years ago…He treats my son as if he’s his own and I the same to his 2 girls. But he doesn’t want to get married again. He says he doesn’t believe in it and a piece of paper changes nothing. I’ve never been married. I love my bf so much. He couldn’t be any more perfect for me. And it bothers me so much that he doesn’t want to get married ever.

  • alicia April 21st, 2015 at 6:57 PM #81


  • alicia April 21st, 2015 at 7:00 PM #82

    The question of marriage came up again. He said we could talk about it again later. Our two year engagement is the 28th of this month. It’s hard because my best friend is planning her wedding and they just got engaged.its hard for me to be happy for her. I feel horrible and she has no clue, I just tell everyone we aren’t in a hurry and they look at me funny.

  • jlynn April 21st, 2015 at 7:51 PM #83

    What’s hard is when you can feel the compatibility between you and he can too but he says he doesn’t want to get married.. I really would leave but only if I knew he would come after me..it’s hard..

  • jlynn April 21st, 2015 at 7:57 PM #84

    I don’t understand why you don’t live together.. you would probably have less financial trouble therefore less stress..honestly I would tell him if you two can’t live together and work together as a team you may go back home..

  • jlynn April 22nd, 2015 at 6:30 AM #85

    I know what you mean.. I have a couple friends and family members getting married and I am happy for them but it sucks having to watch a wedding knowing I will never get married to the guy I want to marry

  • brknhrt April 24th, 2015 at 8:38 PM #86

    My fiance and I have been together over 2 years. He proposed completely on his own on new years. I was so surprised and exciteD. We have now bought a house and he has no intentions of setting a date. He says hes comfortable the way things are and is in no hurry. Why did he propose???

  • Laine April 24th, 2015 at 10:36 PM #87

    Desi, and all the other women who are living with men who wont marry-Move OUT. Get your independence back. You have all given away your power to men who are getting everything on their terms. You don’t have to stop seeing them, but by moving out you change the dynamics of the relationship. Start dating other men too. Dont be so available to Mr “wont marry you”.

  • jlynn April 25th, 2015 at 8:15 PM #88

    The problem with that is you can’t go backwards in a relationship.. once you do it’s basically over.. if you feel you need to do that than you should quit seeing him altogether…as long as you are seeing someone on those terms you won’t find someone to marry you so you might as well stay where your at because no man will date a woman that still sees her ex and other men while he’s trying to develop a meaningful relationship..

  • jlynn April 25th, 2015 at 8:17 PM #89

    Why buy a house with someone before there is a commitment? Now he feels like he don’t have to marry you because you are not going anywhere…

  • deron April 26th, 2015 at 7:40 AM #90

    New to this.
    My bf and I have been together 7yrs, we live together but have no children together. I have boys and he has a daughter. We used to fight and argue all the time but we no longer do that, he used to have insecurity but don’t show that he does anymore.
    My problem is on Valentine’s day he gave me a ring but didn’t formally propose he told my children he did and my family he did but really didn’t. So we discussed it and I told him i wouldn’t wear the ring until he asked so he did I was so exciteD. This is what I’ve been waiting for YES. Well when i started asking him about dates is when the problem started he said he dont know so i suggested we both think of dates , and since we been together so long i think the sooner the better . He then tells me that he dont think we should make it a special date that one day we should just go do it… so that brought more questions by me. “Are we having a wedding?”
    his answer was its to expensive, so i agreed. We told the family no wedding just court house. So that made them discuss a BIG reception. He didn’t say anything until we got home and said no reception. I was SHOCKED, hurt, confused and upset. So why do he thinks he has to control this situation? I’ve come to the conclusion that he just proposed to shut me up and he has no interest in getting married. I try to talk to him about it but i always get upset and shut down. He tell me we are getting married for us not for show so all that reception and stuff should’nt matter. I disagree we are not rich or cant afford over the top but I feel we should have something to celebrate our big day. Now he gets upset when i say “If we get married ” when we discuss the future but what does he expect if he makes me feel unsure all the tome.

  • jlynn April 26th, 2015 at 8:34 PM #91

    A.lot of men don’t like to have a big wedding or reception..me personally I wouldn’t care if I had one neither as long as I was getting married to the one I love..how about this: compromise and wear a wedding dress to the court house and instead of having a reception tell him you agree a reception is to much so just have a big family cookout instead.. this way its still like a reception but he thinks it’s just a family cookout..

  • Elisa April 28th, 2015 at 4:01 AM #92

    Something is the matter with us. If a man commits to you for 5, 10, or 20 years, supports you emotionally (and even financially), but doesn’t want to get married, what difference does it make? He sounds like a much better boyfriend than most husbands I have known. Shouldn’t we be grateful for what we do have instead of obsessing over what we don’t? Do you honestly believe that I man that doesn’t love you would spend 20 years of his life with you? Has he not invested just as much in this relationship? My boyfriend does not want to marry, and I find myself spinning my wheels like every other woman on these message boards. But sometimes I think I’m just being an idiot…

  • Uma April 30th, 2015 at 7:48 PM #93

    I have a kashmiri boyfriend committed for past 1 year. He says we have probably a year or a couple of years before he gets married to a Kashmiri girl that his parents will arrange for. I am a Hindu from south of India. He is a Muslim. I am ready to make changes for him. Ready to make sacrifices. What do i do to make him marry me.. please help

  • erinevans April 30th, 2015 at 9:52 PM #94

    My boyfriend wants to marry me and move in with me we have been together for 7 mouths. But I gave him a really hard time the first time he wanted to date me we were friends for a year and a half he gave alot of signs that he likes me be I didn’t see it. I was dating someone else at the time when he told me he liked me I rejected him. He didn’t like that,he was unhappy about that but he didn’t give up he convenience me to break up with him. Then I started to date him,I never really liked compliments it took me 6 months and a break up to believe in the compliments and what true about me.I’m trying to be positive and happy. But he still wants to marry me,I’m so scared and worried about it even tho it’s five years away

  • jlynn May 1st, 2015 at 9:23 PM #95

    If it’s 5 years away enjoy your relationship and quit stressing over it..in 5 years if everything is good than marry him if you don’t want to marry him than don’t.. you have only been with him 7 months and your talking about 5 years from now..why stress?

  • jlynn May 1st, 2015 at 9:27 PM #96

    Run for the hills or sand dunes..why bother with a guy who won’t stand up for himself and marry who he wants instead of letting someone else choose for him? If he won’t and is stuck in that situation there is nothing you can do…just make sure if you are willing to covert to Muslim make sure you can live with that choice..

  • erin e May 2nd, 2015 at 4:10 PM #97

    Okay! I will try!

  • jlynn May 3rd, 2015 at 9:42 PM #98


  • kimberly May 7th, 2015 at 1:17 PM #99

    Leave him. He’s never going to change. He’s only there cause its convenient

  • Janet May 7th, 2015 at 10:45 PM #100

    I am in the same predicament – wondering if I am doing the right thing. I have been with my bf for three years and recently gave him the ultimatum, and have ‘left’ as he told me he wants to be together , love and care for me and my two children but doesn’t want to get married again as after two divorces. But he is such a nice man, we get on so well together as lovers and friends and he is bit perfect but one of the nicest men I know so now I am quesionning what my stand is about. Having said that it would mean giving up a house I love, and my financial and personal independence and I need some commitment to be able to do that. So at the moment I have moved my stuff, returned keys trying to be philosophical and missing him!

  • Confused May 8th, 2015 at 10:56 AM #101

    Oh wow.. You actually left him? I still have my home and will for another 1.5 years because my daughter is still in HS and I won’t change her school at this point. I am feeling the same way, and I spoke to him about this. What if.. I sell my house, move in and he God forbid dies?? What then?? I’m sure his kids and family will want me out ASAP. I have no security then. It’s very hard. I love him so much and he is the best man I have ever had in my life. I really don’t want to start over. I actually quit dating for a few years before I met him because I met so many jerks. This is also very hurtful.. I feel rejected in many ways. Then I hear about how so many marriages end in divorce and I wonder if maybe he’s rite. I liked being married, but I was just married to the wrong person for 16 years. My ex can’t hold a candle to this guy. I’m torn😢

  • Confused May 8th, 2015 at 11:04 AM #102

    Hi Elisa.. I understand what you are saying. The only thing is that I’m 50 years old and I must think about my future.. Stability.. Security. Unless he puts something in writing why should I sacrifice my future because he’s been burned before. This totally stinks!

  • NP May 9th, 2015 at 8:51 AM #103

    I have been with my boyfriend for two plus years now and I have known him for about 4 years. he is a great man. Loyal but not very communicative. But he is always like that so I have learned to live with it. We have had our ups and downs but we never give up on each other. When we got together we instantly got into a serious relationship. We were around each other everyday. Went to sleep and woke up together. It has been like this for the entire 2+ yrs we’ve been together. I’ve stayed with his family as he’s stayed with mine. But when I talk to him about marriage he says he’s not sure. I don’t want to live with someone and have sex with someone if we don’t see each other being together for life…because then what do I have to offer the right guy later? I do love him and he says he loves me and treats me good but I don’t know how much longer I can wait for him to be sure.

  • jlynn May 9th, 2015 at 9:56 PM #104

    I know what you mean..I don’t want to wait until I’m older and find out that the man who didn’t want to marry me was keeping me until he found the girl he really did want to marry..what’s odd is he says he can see him always being with me so I’m confused why he doesn’t just marry me …

  • jlynn May 10th, 2015 at 10:04 PM #105

    I agree …I’m in the same situation…I am not with my boyfriend for anything he has..I’m with him because I love him ..however what if I am with him for 30 years and something happens to him after we have made this life together? Am I suppose to start all over again ..by than this will be hard for me to do because I will be older and the older you are the harder it is to start over again. ..not to mention why should I have to walk away when I helped put some time,money, and love into out home as well..

  • Janet May 11th, 2015 at 10:42 PM #106

    I left, then we talked, I started to change my mind but was seeking some measure of devotion from him before taking such a risk and when it wasn’t really there I questioned why he wasn’t fighting to keep me and he said he now had doubts about our relationship and that was probably the reason he was dragging his heels about marriage! Totally shocked and gutted. He has been my best friend as well as everything else and apart from thus issue we get on so well and never disagree/argue. I don’t want to be alone and have now practically begged him to stay in a relationship with me but in my heart if hearts I know its no longer right. Part of me wishes I had never pushed the marriage question as its ruined everything :(

  • Confused May 12th, 2015 at 6:54 PM #107

    OMG I’m so sorry!! I can vision everything you’re saying and I feel for you! This guy obviously has marriage issues. Did he have a bad divorce? I think he wants you, but is probably afraid you’ll leave him again. If you two had a good relationship before then you will get it back. Hang in there!

  • Janet May 12th, 2015 at 10:52 PM #108

    Thank you. He had two bad divorces! He was also scared that if we just lived together, I would be unhappy and in 5 or 10 years time I would leave him brokenhearted – his description! Was quite surprised by this! So, having met up and knowing we both love each other and care and don’t want to be apart we have decided to just agree to love each other and get back to where we were, having a great relationship. For now I am happy to just be happy with what I have and enjoy life, and also enjoy my time on my own and my independence and be content knowing I have a good man in my life who loves and cares for me. Its not exactly what I wanted but life is too short to be unhappy, and I am going to enjoy what I have and not worry (well, try not to) about what I haven’t got because the love thing is the most important. I hope you manage to reach a resolution in your relationship x

  • the plain May 13th, 2015 at 12:00 PM #109

    I am with a man almost 13yrs nd for all those years all he says is I love you so much u dnt even know it nd I will marry you let’s just first get all the things we want in life. My question! what more material things will one want? wen we hAve everything how do we build a life togther when we not married, what if something happens when one of us die. Its not easy being this long in a relationship and looking forward in life how do u do that when tomorw he kicks u to the curb

  • :-/ May 14th, 2015 at 7:26 PM #110

    My boyfriend and I been dating for 2yrs now. He said that he’s honestly thinking about marriage bc I take such good care of him and do what he asks he even said I’m way too good to him. And he asked me to think about it and give him an answer soon and I said I will but few days later he said he wants to marry me and he loves me so much but he’s not sure if he wants to get married yet. And told me that he’s really been thinking about it a LOT.. Now i’m confused :-/

  • WiserNow May 15th, 2015 at 6:06 AM #111

    Ladies, ladies, ladies. I have a two word solution to all of your problems: PULL AWAY.

    All of your stories are similar, and I’ve been there, done that. No amount of talking about it or threatening to leave will work on a man. They are all designed the same way. You have to pull away when they are not giving you what you need. It doesn’t require leaving — just pull away and make him chase you again. That’s what makes them thrive. They have to feel like you are worthy — and begging, crying, and threatening only make you appear less worthy, like you are more interested in marriage than you are being with him. Men don’t listen to reason like we do. They are simple. They enjoy the chase, and the chase doesn’t end just because you’ve been with them a year or several years. Make them work for it. Trust me. It took me years to figure this out. Go do things without him. Take more time to respond to his texts. Stop asking him how he feels about marriage. Be that fun-loving, easy going girl he fell in love with. You know, the girl who laughed and smiled and wasn’t worried about “where this is going”. So here’s your homework for 10 days, and report back and let the other ladies know what his response was. No, you won’t get a marriage proposal in 10 days, but you’ll get his attention and desire back, and that’s the building block for the future you want. So for the next 10 days:

    1. Don’t initiate a text message, and wait at least 45 minutes before you respond to his. When you do reply, keep it light-hearted and simply sweet. (Hope your day is going great! 😀)

    2. Don’t ask him one time where the relationship is going, and don’t talk about your feelings or the past.

    3. Make plans without him two times during the 10 days. Go to dinner or a movie, or just go drive around and listen to music if you have to. But don’t invite him. And don’t text or call him while you’re away! Wait 45 min if he texts you.

    4. Be nice to him, and compliment him for something he does for you or on his appearance.

    You get the point. It’s all about the chase. Ladies, you’re never too old to play hard to get. It worked on the playground, and it works on grown ass men. Love to you! Don’t forget to report back at the end of the 10 days to encourage other ladies who need it.

  • Janet May 15th, 2015 at 10:30 AM #112

    I liked this! After a near break up over the marriage issue I realised I just wanted to be in a relationship with a lovely man that I loved more than anything, and we agreed to just love each other and get back on track, and because I am actually quite happy in my own home with my independence and no longer feel under pressure to make big decisions I have chilled out so much, and yes, enjoying his efforts – his messages and requests to see me. I have pulled away to a place I am happy for now, and letting him take the keas after months and months of it being me that pushed for commitment. Its working for me! X

  • WiserNow May 15th, 2015 at 2:43 PM #113

    Kudos to you for figuring it out 💗 Best wishes for your future!

  • jlynn May 15th, 2015 at 4:06 PM #114

    I know what you are saying but we have too much respect for each other than playing games and not responding to each others text and taking off for hours and not know where each other is … when you live with someone you can’t do that to each other and not expect any problems ..however I do need to try to quit asking him continuously about marriage and quit acting upset about it all the time …this I can try to work on…I just can’t do something to him like ignoring him when I don’t want him to do it to me …

  • Confused May 15th, 2015 at 5:56 PM #115

    Maybe marriage isn’t the answer. After all, mine ended after 16 years. The problem I have is that I feel rejected by him not wanting to get married. I can honestly say that he would feel the same way if it were another woman. He just doesn’t want to get married.. Period. He is afraid of losing everything again in another divorce. I’m going to also stop talking about it.

  • Confused May 15th, 2015 at 6:00 PM #116

    Hey.. I like this!! Now if I can only get the guts to do it.. Lol

  • Expat in Bahrain May 17th, 2015 at 2:52 AM #117

    I have been living with my partner for two years and together for three years. When we met, I was in a 20 year marriage with my three children living overseas as an expat. We met through acquaintances and became friends which developed into a relationship. We both left our spouses for each other. He was on his third marriage. I’ve been married once. We always discussed marriage and a future together. But within the last few months he has repeatedly told me he doesn’t want to get married again after three failed marriages. He says marriage ruins everything. I get where he’s coming from but can’t just ignore my feelings and desire for marriage. I am 47 and want a commitment and future with him. I honestly believe we are meant to be together. Should I continue to wait and hope he changes his mind.

  • AB May 17th, 2015 at 7:02 AM #118

    I have been with my bf for nearly 6 years. After a year he fell out with his parents and moved in with me. His younger brother is getting married to his gf of 3 years and now it has left me feeling like an idiot. There is no way I can sit in a church with all the pitying looks from others (mainly smug married women) wondering why my bf won’t marry me.
    My bf says he wants to be financially secure (I am well off and support us both which I would be happy to continue doing in marriage). He says I need to give him time but I am 32 this year and feel like things may never change. Then I’ll be too old for marriage with someone else and kids.
    I know I should split up with him but it’s really hard to make such a big change to your life knowing this might be as good as it gets. I agree that being happy with a bf should be enough but I want to get married. It sounds like such a small thing (and if it is then why doesnt he just do it??) especially when others in the world are experiencing so much suffering but I can’t help how I feel.

  • Tori May 17th, 2015 at 11:49 AM #119

    Agreed, I relate to what you said jlynn, I am concerned about 30 years down the road as well. I will lose everything, so all I can do now is stop financially and emotionally investing in the home we live in, outside of paying basic “rent” towards the mortgage.. I am not pitching in for new rain gutters, or blinds, because if anything happens to my partner, I would be kicked out by next of kin.

  • Janet May 17th, 2015 at 12:36 PM #120

    It is different if you want children, in which case, you would probably be better leaving and finding someone who will make that commitment to you. However I do understand that as a man he may feel the need to be in a position where he can support you. You need to have big, honest talks but don’t waste too much of your precious time x

  • jlynn May 18th, 2015 at 8:04 PM #121

    I feel the same way…I don’t want to invest a lot of money into our home knowing I could be kicked out by someone …its sad because a woman takes pride in designing their home…

  • AM May 19th, 2015 at 6:59 AM #122

    I am going through the exact same thing. We have been together going on 6 years. We have been living together for less that a year. And honestly I push him to live together. He didn’t want to because he is not financially stable this is a big issue for him he works very hard and is trying to pay off a lot of bills from the past relationship and he was taken to the cleaners on child support with this child and pays a turn of money a month. But I told him if we love each other it didn’t matter we got a place he pays not even half and I’m okay with that. I didn’t realize I was pushing all the time about marriage but apparently that’s become an issue. I’m a very independent person I have a son his dad is not in his life my son is 10 and is just now coming around to my boyfriend as far as telling him you love him and hugging him and becoming close to him it took him a while but I think it’s because his dad left when he was so young so I let him do it on his own time he has a daughter that is with us on weekends. He doesn’t communicate well he shuts down and ignores me until he feels comfortable talking and that’s a big problem for me. Now he’s sleeping in the other room and said he’ll move out soon as he can and I’m heartbroken I worry that I made the wrong decision that my son is not going to have this great man in his life and I’m going to lose the love of my life just because I was being selfish and want to marriage but I’m afraid the damage is done now and that he’s going to leave I told him two days ago I would leave him alone and give them space to let him think we haven’t talked since then I’m worried it’s too late I don’t know if it was all worth it if marriage is worth losing this

  • jlynn May 19th, 2015 at 8:05 PM #123

    And this is where I’m torn…I want to marry him so bad and can’t stop talking about it and I’m afraid if I push him away to where he leaves me or I leave him over this I will regret it …but still I can’t help the way I feel neither …

  • Jananne May 20th, 2015 at 1:51 PM #124

    Having almost lost my man over this I have to say my whole perspective has changed and although I feel a bit sad that he wont marry me and the future is still uncertain, it pales into insignificance to the misery I felt on losing such a lovely partner, lover, best friend. I just decided to try to be content with what I have. I wish I had longer legs, I wish my mum hadn’t died, and I wish he would marry me but sometimes there are things we have to accept and just move on in life. I do understand what marriage means, as i too was at that point but it took almost losing him to make me just appreciate what I do have and accept things as they are. Yes I do still wish he would propose and secretly I still hope he will, and I no longer feel we can plan a future together as such, but life is too short to be unhappy…cherish what you have, a man who loves you and who wants to be accepted for who and how he is, and if he is worth doing that for, you have a very precious gift of love in your life xx

  • Confused May 20th, 2015 at 2:57 PM #125

    Wow.. You said that perfectly. I agree with everything you say. I feel exactly the same. I don’t want to lose my “boyfriend” over this. It took me a very long time to meet him. I’m 50 years old and have been divorced for 12 years. I dated a lot of men, and no one compares to him. I feel lucky and blessed to have such a great man in my life. I have girlfriends that are my age and still single because they haven’t met a nice man. There are so many jerks out there with all type of issues.. I don’t want it!! If I broke up with my man, Someone else would swoop him rite up. I’m a good catch as they say, but so is he. I’m not bringing up marriage anymore. He did tell me that when I move in that he’d make some type of legal agreement that I can stay in the house for a certain period of time if god forbid he dies. That’s my fear too.. I have a home and don’t want to start over. We also talked about buying a house together as a retirement place for us so I would have that.

  • jlynn May 20th, 2015 at 9:03 PM #126

    I feel the same way about its not worth losing my man over but than the other part of me says he was willing to lose me by not marrying me so do I mean less to him than he does me …he says he loves me and acts like he does and he is my best friend and the best man I’ve ever had in my life but I can’t help but have the feelings that I do

  • Janet May 20th, 2015 at 10:50 PM #127

    It sounds like you have so much going for you and your relationship compared to others. I am 47 and also been in past relationships, marriages, the dating scene (hideous) and know how many idiots are out there and don’t want to be alone, or have to start over. Its not totally easy to let go of wishes and hopes, but the alternative is worse. It would be different if I were younger or wanting children, but I can enjoy my life and not worry so much now. I know he loves and cares for me, like you, and having a retirement together to look forward to must be very comforting. I wish you every happiness xx

  • Larileah May 23rd, 2015 at 7:01 AM #128

    I feek like my boyfriend brings up marriage and kids more than me and ive been at the point in life I want to be settled already. And he says hes been wanting it but always places a price tag like its about love not always about money ive seen the poorest of people have a decent wedding and support many children. Its like it has to be his way or no way at all plus I have medical condition that can lead to infertility and hes still just about himself and his needs and wants.

  • jlynn May 23rd, 2015 at 3:36 PM #129

    I would be happy just to wear a dress to the court house and have a BBQ at the house with family and friends afterwards …at least your man is willing to marry you and he’s right it don’t have to cost a lot to commit to each other …save the money for a nice vacation or something else for the house

  • TML May 24th, 2015 at 7:36 AM #130

    The playing hard to get sounds great, but what if you live with him?

Leave a Reply

By commenting you acknowledge acceptance of GoodTherapy.org's Terms and Conditions of Use.




* = Required fields

Find the Right Therapist

Advanced Search | Browse Locations

Title Content Author
GoodTherapy.org is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.org.

Recent Comments

  • D: I have a chihuahua and he is wonderful. He is the best thing that happened to me. He is well behaved, obedient i took him to puppy classes i...
  • Sash: My gosh I’m glad I found this, and I hope people are still reading it. Been with my wonderful man 11 years and we own a beautiful home...
  • Hurt mother: I also don’t understand why I can’t stop hurting over the loss of our family (we have a daughter together as well)…....
  • Hurt mother: I finally filed the report that my boyfriend molested my daughter. I still don’t know 100% for sure if it happened and I feel so...
  • Jade: I know how it feels. I’m the younger sister, and my dad always takes up for my older sister. We’re 4 years apart, and my mom...