What to Do If Your Partner Doesn’t Want to Get MarriedJune 28, 2013 • Contributed by Zawn Villines, GoodTherapy.org Correspondent
The pages of women’s magazines are filled with articles offering methods for encouraging men to propose marriage, and entire websites are dedicated to increasing a person’s marry-ability. Both men and women can be hesitant about marriage, and when romantic partners have different opinions of marriage, the conflict can be challenging to resolve.
It is possible, however, to have a committed and loving relationship without marriage, and some people who are uncomfortable with marriage ultimately change their minds. A disagreement about marriage doesn’t have to end your relationship, particularly if you both are committed to the relationship.
If you’re itching to get married and your partner resists, it’s easy to assume there’s a problem with the relationship or that your partner isn’t fully committed to you. These issues could indicate that it’s time to consider moving on. But there are myriad other reasons people are uncomfortable with marriage that have nothing to do with the relationship. Cohabitation is an increasingly popular option; one 2013 study found that 32% of couples chose long-term cohabitation over marriage. Some reasons your partner might be uninterested in marriage include:
- Discomfort with the events that surround a wedding, the costs associated with getting married, or family conflicts that can arise when a couple exchanges vows.
- Fear of divorce.
- Fear of losing one’s individual identity.
- Wanting to “test” the relationship a little longer before taking the plunge.
- Disliking the historical implications of marriage, which include viewing women as property and men as little more than providers.
- A desire to avoid an institution in which some same-sex couples can’t participate.
The Role of Communication
As with so many other relationship issues, open and honest communication is the key to resolving disputes about marriage. You might assume you know your partner’s reason for avoiding marriage, but you don’t really know until you ask. Hearing that your partner is concerned that marriage might change the relationship will likely feel a lot better than simply assuming your partner doesn’t want to get married because he or she doesn’t love you.
And for partners who want to get married, explaining clearly and logically why you want to get married can make a big difference. The benefits of marriage include automatic paternal legitimation for children, significant tax benefits, and shared insurance. Pointing these out to your partner could help, but addressing his or her concerns is equally important. You might be able to come to an agreement about when you’ll reevaluate the marriage question and how you’ll address insecurities and relationship logistics in the meantime.
While you might feel hurt if your partner doesn’t want to marry you, it’s important to consider that marriage might mean something completely different to your partner. Consequently, it’s wise to focus on other ways to get your needs met rather than making marriage a deal-breaker. If, however, you can’t stay in a relationship that doesn’t end in marriage, trying to push the relationship toward marriage can cause it to fall apart. It might be better to end things now.
Addressing Potential Concerns
If you and your partner agree to live together without getting married, you’ll have the freedom to pick and choose which marriage benefits you want to take advantage of and which you want to avoid altogether. A simple contract, for example, can outline who owns what property and how it will be divided if you split up. And if you have a child together, you’ll need to ensure that both parents are listed on the birth certificate or that the nonbiological parent adopts the child. You won’t be able to get tax benefits, but you can still combine your lives in a way that works for both of you.
- Aleccia, J. (2013, April 4). “The new normal”: Cohabitation on the rise, study finds. NBC News. Retrieved from http://www.nbcnews.com/health/new-normal-cohabitation-rise-study-finds-1C9208429?franchiseSlug=healthmain
- Roberts, S. (2013, April 9). Against marriage: A ring does not define a relationship. The XX Factor. Retrieved from http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2013/04/09/the_case_against_marriage_a_ring_doesn_t_define_a_relationship.html
- Schwyzer, H. (2011, February 16). Why some men don’t want to get married. Alternet. Retrieved from http://www.alternet.org/story/149941/why_some_men_don’t_want_to_get_married
© Copyright 2013 by www.GoodTherapy.org Austin Bureau - All Rights Reserved.
Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. The view and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.
W.GraceJune 29th, 2013 at 12:17 AM
This may be a sticky subject to some people but for others cohabitation is perfectly fine.it doesn’t mean there is no love or the relationship has lost it’s fizz.problem begins if one partner wants to be married and the other doesn’t.so it’s essential to discuss this at an early stage of the relationship.
lauraJuly 1st, 2013 at 4:35 AM
If I have been with someone for a long time and I feel like marriage is the next logical step for us but I feel like he is holding back then I think that I would have to reconsider if the two of us are going to be a good match for one another. It’s one thing to want to hold off for a while if financially you are still getting things together or there are some relationship issues that the two of you are working through. But why not get married if you have done it all and the relationship is healthy and strong? getting married will only make it that much stronger so when there is that hesitation on the part of one of the people, then that to me sends up big warning signals. This might not be the right person to be with after all if you are convinced that marriage is the way to go and he istrying to avoid that commitment like the plague.
pattiJuly 7th, 2013 at 3:58 AM
I am a woman,and have known women, who’ve strung along for years,(although a man might find himself in the same situation,) Chicks grow a backbone. Do not spread your knees to a man you don’t love.And he should also be in love with you.Once this is a mutually established fact,you need,for your own protection, to give your love object, a goal, if not ultimatum, time-wise,’til you are engaged,with a date,and arrangements should start being made within a couple of weeks of that date for your wedding day. You don’t need some wedding marketer to sell you a $20,000 package, to live in future contented bliss either. DO NOT MOVE IN WITH THIS PERSON,if it can be at all avoided.One person’s trial marriage is, for another, a reason not to buy the cow, cause the cream is free. free,Thus inviting string-along.A lot of happy marriages srarted at the Courthouse or a minister’s office ceremony. Agood rule of thumb time wise for women is,if you are under 21,wait.After 22-25,18 mos-2yr.s,25-28,1yr,-18mos., over 28, 1yr, After 30,1yr. Men often consider women to have a youth,”shelf life,”(even though we might out live them by many years).Men don’t usaully have to worry about this,even though a man’s age may be important to a women).Keep that backbone,here’s the hard part,you must be prepared to tell your sweetie,that your dating is over,if the time is up.the relationship is over if they don’t commit by the appointed time. This will keep you,(and maybe the other person), from wasting years of your life. This seems old fashioned but it works, I told my boyfriend, once he let me know he was in love with me,and I with him,he had 18 mos. to marry me, or that’s it, bye-bye,and he proposed in 6 mos.! We married 1 yr.later,May 27, 2000.We’re still contently married,in love, and have 2 beautiful daughters.
StephanieFebruary 14th, 2014 at 1:35 PM
It comes down to people not being compatible. I fail to see the logic behind staying with someone who doesn’t want to marry you if you want to marry. Some people can just settle for living together without marriage and children because they are not traditional. Perhaps some men want to wait for the right person.
Everybody seems to need a point or an outcome to a relationship. Relations do not have to lead to marriage or children to be relationships. They can pass like chapters in a book, and onto the next in the story of life.
I myself never wanted children, and do not appreciate the manipulative, self-serving, and controlling aspects of men who convince themselves, independent of me, that I must want to be a housewife with five kids bound and chained to the home. I didn’t want to marry someone who asked me one or two months after meeting out of the blue. I like to participate in the plans of my own life, not have someone else decide for me. There is a reason why I walked out of those relationships, and those men have only themselves to blame.
It is not that I would not marry, but a relationship with someone is not the same as marriage, and these men are perfectly justified in refusing women who are wrong for them. The timing may not be right, the person, the demands, etc. Pushiness and calculations have ways of coming back to haunt people. I am not surprised that female manipulators are not taken down the altar. If the relationship has problems, the act of signing and sealing the deal is counterproductive and the death knell for a lot of relationships.
Brandy LSeptember 1st, 2014 at 10:34 PM
I am 20 years old and have been with this guy for three Yeats and we have to kids. Well I’m ready to be married. He asked me to marry him before we had our first child and now he don’t wanna get married. When I try to talk about it he laughs at me and said we are to young?? Three years and two kids come on… I don’t know what to do!!!!Advice please…
AmbraSeptember 23rd, 2014 at 3:36 AM
Same situation Brandy.
I have two kids with my 5 years boyfriend. He proposed two years ago but I think I pushed him into it. I’m not wearing anymore his engagement ring ’cause, as I told him, I feel he has been joking me. Anytime, ANYTIME I ask him to set a date or tell him I can’t wait for it he makes out new excuses: It’s because he doesn’t have enough money, it’s because the kids are small, it’s because he’s afraid he’ll upset the people he won’t invite, it’s because he doesn’t have time to make a guest list..and so on.
Last night I could see him writhing when I suggested him to get married in three months,me organizing everything, very small ceremony, a handful of guests,500 bucks worthy. He was as scared as shit. I think he has no balls to tell me he doesn’t want to.
I told him he’s encouraging me to start looking around me.
He’s so hopeless when it comes to this. Maybe we’re bound to split up soon. Maybe it’s not happening ’cause it would be a mistake. A Tibetan proverb says : “Sometimes your biggest fortune is not to get what you want”.
charleneSeptember 28th, 2014 at 10:10 PM
I don’t know what to do if my boyfriend don’t want to get married. I love him so much. We been living together for two years and 2 months. I want to leave but I can’t I love him.It’s driving me crazy
yolandaOctober 17th, 2014 at 12:27 AM
Charlene, hi I had to let my boyfriend go after 2 years. We agreed to marriage after 2 years of dating. Things were good then we went through a rocky time in our relationship. This is when he went from I want to marry to I not ready to I will be like my dad and never get married again. It was hard for me because I love him I let him go because I love myself and i deserve to be loved and respected I’am a virtuous woman.
Jules j.November 24th, 2014 at 12:03 PM
I’m going thru a similar experience my partner dosent want to marry me broke my heart when he told me I’m still hurting now :(
kerriOctober 1st, 2014 at 2:40 PM
I have been with my partner for nearly 6 yrs and we have two boys and my daughter from a previous relationship who has now got his last name before we even got together i told him i wanted marriage and more kids he said he wanted the same after we had our first son he then told me he dont want marrige i thought it would change but now all our kids have his name i brought it up saying i want to have the same name as my kids he then tells me hes not in love with me anymore and now he wants to try work on our relationship even if he would fall back in love with me i dont think he will ever marry me what should i do
Jules j.November 18th, 2014 at 3:12 PM
I’ve been with my partner nearly 2 years he proposed to me not long after we met planned our wedding but he called it off cuz of my insecurities he told me tonight that he will never marry me so don’t ask me. how do I deal with that?
TrishaNovember 3rd, 2014 at 2:41 AM
I brought up the fact that I wanted to get married, and my boyfriend’s response? “I’m not in a hurry.” HOWEVER, there have been times, like our vacation to Vegas a few years ago, that he suggested getting married while we were there. He’s sending me mixed messages about whether he wants to get married or not, but he won’t give me a straight answer no matter how many times I try to talk to him. I’d hate to think I’ve wasted 8 years on someone who doesn’t want the same things I want.
desiFebruary 13th, 2015 at 4:06 AM
I am in the exact same boat! We should be each others support system. I’m with a man who’s 20 yrs older than me with 3 kids and divorced 5 years ago…I’m a better mom to his kids than his ex because she’s crazy.
We’ve been dating and living together for 3 years now and since 2 years ago he’s been talking about marriage, said where we’d have our wedding, bought a loose diamond for my ring but won’t ever put it in a setting. It’s just collecting dust. He will say small things like “I’m dreaming of you in a white wedding dress” and completely lead me onto thinking it’s happening but he always says “SOON.” Well how long is soon? We just had a fight 2 nights ago because he told me he’s in no rush and gas no need to get married. He doesn’t want me to have any “power” Long story short, our relationship the last few months has just been tense ever since he bought the loose diamond. Marriage is so important to me, my entire life. I’ve never been married and he told me he would never marry again until he met me…Now he’s just harsh and cold about it whereas he used to be sweet and excited. I can’t leave him I love him too much but I don’t know what to do. He should have never married his ex, she’s mean and disgusting and gave him red flags but he did! Now he won’t marry me when he tells me I’m the best he’s had in his entire life? We have intimacy every single day. What man wouldn’t marry along with how much I do for him and his kids? :'(
lizNovember 8th, 2014 at 12:36 PM
5yrs together going on 6. A 4yr old. We share finances, we have insurance together, our whole life we have everything together, but we aren’t married. We are even looking for a house! We have talked about marriage but the answer I get is “soon”. It’s been 5yrs! Apparently he wants our life to be ready financially and have the security of a house before we get married and have another child (which I respect apparently). But what if we never get the house? Will we never get married? Our whole relationship has always been backwards since we started living together almost immediately. But most couples live together, get married, get the house then have a child. I love my family and I would never leave because of this but how long do I need to wait for?
AthenaNovember 11th, 2014 at 2:01 PM
Why do you need to get married? Be your own person and live your own life. What do you think will be added to your life or the lives of your children by getting married? Do you think he’ll love you more? Do you think he’ll behave more responsibly towards you financially or otherwise? No. Being married adds nothing to your relationship and only means that he will now have a legal right to take your children away from you if he wins custody. And if you don’t have children and are more finacially successful than him he will have the right to sue you for support if he doesn’t feel like working. Marriage isn’t what it used to be. When I got married I thought it would protect my self and my children. Wrongo. He will have even more control over you if you marry him and trust me, that doesn’t add anything to your life. In the words of Billy Holiday: God bless the child that has her own; she don’t worry about nothing.
Jade C.November 19th, 2014 at 3:39 AM
My fiancé won’t marry me until I become tidy. I’m a bit messy. He blames me for his illness. Been together I’ve 12 years.
N GraceNovember 25th, 2014 at 5:58 AM
I asked my boyfriend about marriage last night and he said he’s never getting married and if that’s what I want then I should find someone else. I had to lie to him and tell him its not what I want. I love this guy but when we first got together he wanted marriage. He’s changed completely in that length of time, he never even says I love you anymore. What should I do? I’m hurting but I have to lie to him and say I’m not, only because he said he doesn’t care anymore.
VeronicaJanuary 5th, 2015 at 2:23 AM
Hey grace my best answer ditch this guy he is a player and he wants to sleep around he is a conquest man he has taken you and he wants to dump basically dump him and throw him out with the rubbish where he belongs
Cassie BNovember 27th, 2014 at 4:55 AM
Hi everyone, its overwhelming to see all your comments, and im happy that im not alone. I have been with this guy for 7 years and we have 2 kids, he was so eager to marry me when we are in our early stages of the relationship, and now he just doesnt want to anymore, he keeps telling me its only a paper blah blah. change is constant and he’s probably not the same person ive loved and met 7 years ago, maybe we werent right for each other anymore? Honestly im starting to lose interest, i dont know,
ToriJanuary 17th, 2015 at 11:39 AM
Marriage is so much more then a piece of paper. I really believe that when people claim that’s all it is, they are either misinformed of the seriousness of building a life with someone without the relationship being legally recognized in the eyes of the law, OR, they do know the significance and they are minimizing marriage for other reasons.
I would have preferred to never marry again, but the person I’m seeing wanted a serious relationship with me. Now that I know that never included marriage, I believe what they wanted was for me to move in, have me be tied down, full commitment from me, have all of me, all without the legal protections that those who truly love their significant other would INSIST being in place. The exception of course, is that some people really do not give much thought to what happens in an emergency, or if one gets sick, or wanting to protect their supposed loved one. Marriage is so much more then a piece of paper and I believe that even if two people think the relationship may not work out, get a prenup, (get one no matter what actually) prepare for the worst, but make sure that if building a life together, that protections are in place.
neovalys g.December 16th, 2014 at 5:10 PM
Iv been with My boyfriend forma almost a year i know its linda early to be asking him about marrage but next month Will be oír annaversary and i asked him if he want to get married when HeS older and he said no he dont he said that its stupid …. But i want to get married cause i really love him and im trying to talk him into it but i dont want to pressure himi want him to want to get married what should i do plz someone tell me why he dont really want to get married …..? HELP
WifeWithout'aHusbandJanuary 2nd, 2015 at 3:48 PM
I have been in a relationship for nearly 2 decades with my first love, my only boyfriend and the father of our two children. Granted when we began this journey we were much too young, we had a lot of growing up and living to do, but after all this time he refuses to marry me, saying that he just doesn’t see the point. While I never really needed in the past, I can’t imagine not getting married. I can’t imagine why he wouldn’t want to call me his wife. I’m hurt and confused and I don’t know if I need help to learn to accept this or to move on. I’m lost.
ToriJanuary 17th, 2015 at 11:26 AM
If you ever need someone to talk to or process feelings with, feel free to contact me. I am in a similar situation, and I am anxious to put this issue to rest for myself, hurt creeps in on a regular basis now. I am trying to do the right thing for myself and I’m not sure that being with someone who wouldn’t be honored to call me their wife, is the right thing for me. It’s really hard because the relationship (was) really special and this issue has tainted it. Perhaps we can be of support to one another.
jlynnJanuary 26th, 2015 at 8:57 AM
I’m in the same boat..I don’t want to be with someone for the next 20 years and find out he didn’t really love me
WhispersFebruary 6th, 2015 at 12:53 PM
Starting to see I’m not the only one in this situation… don’t really know what to do, I can’t seem to just ‘get over it’ I feel resentful and hurt comes out in other ways… lost
WifeWithour'aHusbandFebruary 14th, 2015 at 6:00 PM
I had never published anything on such a blog. I didn’t know what to expect. I almost forgot about it, but of course on a day like today I can’t help but feel sad. Even though I’m not alone I feel incomplete. Thanks for reading, listening and taking the time to respond.
ToriApril 8th, 2015 at 9:32 PM
I couldn’t remember how to get back to this site. So glad I found it again
wifewithouttheringMarch 10th, 2015 at 12:56 AM
My guy is my best friend, we’ve been together for almost 6 years, we’re 25 and 26. We have 2 beautiful children, I love his family, we love each other dearly, he calls me his wife. We got a ring a few months ago, but I have yet to see it, or a proposal. I don’t ever want to leave, but I’m wondering what the hold up is. He’s always said he was against marriage, but I figured he would change his views for me. I swear he’s just trying to throw me off or something. He’s talked about how much he loves weddings, and when I talk about our wedding, he doesn’t stop me. I have no doubt he’s the love of my life, but its almost insulting, and very confusing.
wifewithouttheringMarch 10th, 2015 at 1:04 AM
I want to add, that my father in law passed away suddenly 6 months ago. Him and my mil had never married and it left her in a tight situation legally. She had to get a lawyer to keep her house. We’ve talked about the importance have having the medical advocacy. I don’t speak to my family, so I wouldn’t want them to get any legal advantage over the person who really should be making the choices for me and our children should the need come.
Its so enlightening to see other women going through similar situations!
WifeWithOut'aHusbandApril 3rd, 2015 at 12:09 PM
I’m not sure why some people, me being one of those people, allow themselves to be in a relationship for years and years knowing, or feeling like that there’s something missing. We live one life without any guarantees on how long, yet we’ll live unhappy, or less than. I think it has to do with pain that we saw growing, which now normalizes the pain that we’re currently. Except that it shouldn’t be that way. Yes, pain is apart of life, but if you’re experiencing more sadness than happiness with a particular situation it’s just not the right situation.
It’s harder when a family is involved. It’s harder when he’s a good guy, but the fact still remains that I’m not getting what I want. What I need!
VeronicaJanuary 5th, 2015 at 2:20 AM
Hey I’m in the same situation my boyfriend doesn’t want to marry me or get married he doesn’t we have been together for 5 years i have a child from my previous marriage who is twelve and he wants to be stepdad to her I’m
Not happy he had to been working for 3 years and hasn’t looked for a job due to mental health issues we have been staying with his patents I can’t stand his mum the old witch does not like me and made my life he’ll. I don’t know what to do my priority is to bring up my daughter as her dad us incapable of doing so what should I do about my partner
ConfusedApril 13th, 2015 at 3:26 PM
That’s a rough one! Is he good with your child? That is very important since the bio dad is Mia so to speak. I wouldn’t support a man.. No way! I hope he’s getting some type of disability money. As for the mean mom, I feel for ya.. My BOYFRIEND’S (yeah.. Bf / not husband) mother and sister do not like me .. For no reason.. SCREW THEM!!
jlynnJanuary 26th, 2015 at 8:48 AM
I am 38 and my boyfriend is 52 and we have been together for 7 years..I want to get married and have told him that..he says he will never get married again and when I ask him why he says he doesn’t know .. I love him and I don’t want to leave him but marriage is important to me.. the problem is if I leave him I don’t know if I will ever love someone like that again to make me ever want to marry them ..I bring up marriage to him almost everyday because that’s all I want to do is marry him..I’m not obsessed with marriage but I do want to know that the man I’m with loves me the same way I love him and if he does you would think he would want to marry me ..I’m have told him that I will leave in 2 years if we are not married and he said if I do he would understand..how can someone that loves someone let someone leave instead of marrying them?
upstate momFebruary 2nd, 2015 at 10:23 AM
Same boat. I have two children from my previous marriage that my SO is raising. Im currently expecting our 2nd child together, 4 kids total. We have a house together, a life together, a family together. Seems logical to get married. He even proposed 6 months ago. Now he refuses to tie the knot. Says asking me was a huge mistake. We’ve both been divorced once, so I think he’s scared of it happening again.I feel like he’s telling me I’m not good enough to make a lifelong commitment to. Or protect our investments for me and the kids if he were to meet an early demise or vise versa.
WhispersFebruary 6th, 2015 at 1:00 PM
Valentines is hard, if any of you are like me your wonder if boyfriends have a secret plan to propose then get completely heart broken and empty when they don’t then feel stupid… do it every year now! Try to convince myself he’s just ‘throwing me of the scent’ Then end up feeling absolutely stupid and disappointed. )’: could use a friend or just someone who understands.
jlynnFebruary 6th, 2015 at 7:36 PM
I know what you mean.. I keep wondering if he will ever care how much being married means to mean and surprise me on Valentine’s day.. I’m even like that when we go on vacation like Vegas or a cruise.. I’m always disappointed after that he doesn’t and he thinks I’m depressed because vacation is ending .. yes Valentine’s Day is really depressing for me as well
jlynnFebruary 6th, 2015 at 7:37 PM
*means to me…(sorry typo)
jlynnFebruary 15th, 2015 at 4:31 AM
Well at least we made it through another depressing Valentine’s Day
martinaApril 13th, 2015 at 2:36 AM
join the club I do it every occasion xmas birthday nd valentines all because he told me someday he would want to but not sure when
FrustratedFebruary 18th, 2015 at 3:43 PM
Wow, in a way its helpful to see I’m not the only one struggling with this. My partner (beginning to despise that eorf as husband would be nicer) and I have both been married before. We are very much in love and have been living together now for over a year. We almost never argue and have a fantastic relationship except for the fact he doesn’t want to get married. He admits its because his last one failed and he doesn’t see the point. I on the other hand am old fashioned and believe if you really love someone and want to be together forever you make the commitment and leap of faith and marry. I feel like if it was good enough for him to marry before maybe I’m not worthy enough. It is making me sad and its becoming a problem. We have discussed it rationally but we can’t agree on this one. He said if it means so much to me he guesses he will have to, to make me happy. What he doesn’t understand is I DONT want him to “have to”, if he doesn’t “Want” too then its tainted. I love him so much and want to proudly call him my husband. I’m worried this may become a bigger issue the longer it continues. Funny thing is my last two long term relationships were the opposite. They wanted marriage but I didn’t. I knew it wasn’t “the right one”. I know my partner is ” the one” I just would love to seal the deal. I’ve offered eloping and a prenup but its still a no. 😢
ReddaisyMarch 28th, 2015 at 10:50 PM
EXactly….how i feel :-( i dont understand him(boyfriend of 6 yrs!)…hes been in two bad marriages…his ex’s were psycho’s and were abusive. Im very big hearted…i blew it up today( i btl my stuff in) i thought for sure he’d b comingover tonite mad. He wasnt. Very sad. I know he loves me, right?why am i not good enough for him to marry?? He has 3 older kids…his youngest is a sr.—ive got 4 ranging frm 6,13,14,15 and hes truely happy when hes w/us! Hes not like that at his home and w/his kids…his mom also lives w/him too. Idk i put myself down, obviously! I am pretty andnice to pp and genuine.
jlynnFebruary 20th, 2015 at 4:10 PM
I offered the prenup too and he still said no..we have a great relationship as well but he says he just don’t want to and don’t know why..we have both been married before as well and I struggle with the same thing: what made her good enough to marry and not me” I was raised by a grandfather that always told me if a man don’t want to marry you than he don’t love you..I hope I don’t waste a lifetime with someone and find out he doesn’t love me..he honestly acts like he does but I just don’t get why he doesn’t want to get married.. I can’t imagine being in love this much with someone else but I can’t just can’t stop feeling pain everytime I hear about someone I know getting married..
martinaApril 13th, 2015 at 2:33 AM
I too ave been with my boyfriend for 7 years I have 3 teenage children that he gets on fine with he says he loves me but doesn’t want to live together till they’re older im 41 nd hes 53 can’t even get him to go on a family holiday ….. In every way he’s a brilliant man would do anything more you except commit
not to oldFebruary 26th, 2015 at 3:12 PM
Hi everyone..how are you! My heart goes out to all of you!If only you could determine..if you both want marriage…and its a goal for the relationship..from the very beginning.
I have been in a relationship 6 years 5 months with my boyfriend…we have grown together..loved and helped each other..I have given him my heart..in a way I have never given it to anyone.I want marriage..now he doesn’t.He has been married before..and has a daughter..who I just adore too!My heart has been heavy over this…yet if I look deeper at our relationship…maybe I’d find..its run its course..it was for a time..a reason..a season…No matter what..if a man really loves you..he will want to please you in this way…he won’t want to lose you..or see you in the arms of another.Yes..some men have been hurt in divorce before..and are scared..then some want all the benefits of a loving..good relationship without the commitments..and yet again..everyone has to decide what they think on getting married or not!..in reality..we the ones who would lime marriage end up sacrificing what we want(marriage) for what the ones who don’t believw in marriage want!…yet I have loved my man very much..he is the best of men..a great man with a huge heart!….still..can you stay..feeling he won’t commit to you..the way you would commit to him…only time will tell..pray to God for strength and answers..Jesus says..Come to me all who labor and are heavy burdened..and I will give you rest.One day ..there will be a “marriage”.. known as ” the bridegroom and the bride”..that takes place when Christ returns to this earth..and through believing in him…and receiving salvation and forgiveness through his name…we are invited to the marriage supper if the lamb if God..who takes away..the sins of the world…that’s one day..I want to get ready for and not miss
jlynnFebruary 27th, 2015 at 7:45 PM
It’s really hard to accept that the man you love with all your heart acts like he loves you and would do anything for you except marry you…I’m so heartbroken but I don’t know if I can walk away and not have him in my life..even though I am heartbroken walking away would rip it to shreds… unfortunately I just found out a couple days ago my brother is getting married and I have been majorly depressed and even bitter(not toward him or my boyfriend) and it’s causing tension with our relationship..I honestly am afraid he’s going to get tired of my depression and my want for marriage that he is going to be the one that ends our relationship… I’m so lost..
L. C. PMarch 16th, 2015 at 10:36 PM
You absolutely shouldn’t be scared of him leaving you bc your depressed!! If he really loves you he should stand by you and absolutely wouldn’t do such a thing! Did you talk to him? Ask him how he feels towards your “wanting a marriage” talks
aliciaMarch 17th, 2015 at 1:53 PM
I get the same reply! What’s the hurry or I’m just not ready. SIGH
jlynnMarch 17th, 2015 at 8:15 PM
Yea I have talked to him and told him I’m sick and depressed over this but he says there is nothing he can do because he doesn’t want to ever get married and it’s not because he doesn’t love me.. my problem still remains if I leave him I’m hurt and if he never marries me I will be left wondering why and if he really ever loved me at all..he sure acts like he does but one thing is if he let’s me walk out on him knowing that the reason I am is because he won’t committ did he really ever love me?
Marie F.March 2nd, 2015 at 8:22 PM
I’m 47 and partner is 57, been together for 2+ years and living together for more than a year. He has called me his wife for over a year and intermittently says things like we should be married by now and he wishes I was his wife. Expected proposal at Christmas and Valentine’s Day-got nothing. Says now we need to wait until he can afford the ring he wants to buy me. I said it’s not about a ring, it’s the relationship. Income over 180000 so it’s not that we can’t afford it. Feel like I’m being strung along. So glad to see I’m not the only one! Love him so much but starting to feel resentful and afraid this one issue is the beginning of the end
ErenMarch 11th, 2015 at 4:49 PM
I’m so heartbroken because in 2013 we where supposed to get married he bought me my dress my shoes well everything, we had to postpone to dec 2013 the wedding because my 5 m bb got very sick of Bronchitis so I couldn’t dis attend her. So dec came and no more planning the wedding conversation until 2014 and finally we talked about dec of last yr that he would like get marryed in May 15 2015. Yesterday I mention the wedding and said that was “a stage that we’ve already pass by to” mmm that why can’t I be independent that he doesn’t believe in Marrige ” I’m like wtf?? Need help here
sadMarch 11th, 2015 at 5:58 PM
Dont even know what to think anymore. I am a 51 year old widow, bf is 53, divorced, and went through a horrible and expensive split with first wife. We have been living together for over 2 years. He says I am the love of his life. Says he dont want to marry ever again. (Though I am “the love of his life”) says he couldn’t love me more if i had a ring. Supposedly wants to grow old with me.I love him dearly. I Cook, clean, laundry, etc..but…I am old fashioned. I feel he gets all the husband benefits without the title. He says I made his house a home. It had been made clear, what was his before we got together remains his, and his adult sons will inherit all. I have no problem with that. But I feel i am living in limbo. I know he does love me, but cant help feeling like a convienient housekeeper and built in piece of a@$, so we will never marry, but could a ring, showing commitment, and Mother Men that I am “suponen for”
L. C. PMarch 16th, 2015 at 10:33 PM
You should talk to him. Your situation is very clear and if that’s what you think you deserve you should say what you feel.
L. C. PMarch 16th, 2015 at 10:32 PM
So I’ve been dating for 3+yrs now and we are surely in love and our relationship couldn’t be better. He’s the best boyfriend in the world.
The MAJOR problem is that even so we are happy and he would certainly be a very good father he says he never ever wants to get married or have kids.
I’m sure I found a wonderful man but what can I do?
jlynnMarch 23rd, 2015 at 9:33 AM
If you want kids get out now..I think your want for marriage and kids will never go away..I’ve seen situations where the woman became to old to have kids and than her boyfriend ended up leaving her and had kids and married someone else.
AliciaMarch 17th, 2015 at 5:55 AM
Wow, I have read all of the comments.This made me realize that I’m not the only one struggling with the thought of marriage. My fiance and I are at a road block with this. He purposed to me almost 2 years ago next month and we have been together now for several years. We have a 1 year old daughter together. Marriage and commitment is important to me, but something has changed since his divorce and gaining custody of his two children from his previous marriage. I have been married before myself and I was heartbroken when it came to an end, but my ex and I have a civil relationship where his is a constant battle and they can’t get along. We are good together and our family has blended together nicely. Everyone loves each other and it’s like we are meant to be united. What I cant handle is the thought he asked me to marry him two years ago before having out daughter and his two children started living with us full-time. We have everything pretty much joint now, so the only thing left to complete us is marriage. When it comes up it turns into a huge fight. He can’t even talk about it with me. I just don’t understand what changed and every time I try to walk away he tells me he is sorry and what’s the hurry. This makes me sad and angry! I feel as though my only role will ever be is a girlfriend and a mother because he isn’t ready.
PaulMarch 18th, 2015 at 9:50 PM
I proposed to my former girlfriend last night and she said to that she cant give me an answer, she told me that she was surprised and she didn’t think that i’m gonna do the proposal thing. we have an incoming 2 year old son this coming april, and there were both living together. any advise please, coz im totally wondering why she did not give me an answer. Thak You
jlynnMarch 20th, 2015 at 8:16 AM
How old are you? Have you or her been married before? Do you argue or break up alot? These all can be factors in not wanting to get married…in my situation we have both been married and divorced to other people but we get along great but he said he will never marry me but don’t know why..have you asked her why?
meghanMarch 22nd, 2015 at 10:56 AM
I have been date this guy for 3 years he ask me to marry him I say yes then I book the venue bought my wedding dress and had the date pick out then he got cold feet and cancel everything we still live together I give up my whole life and move to a new place for him. I left my family and friends behind to be with him he won’t commit to me and I feel stuck.
jlynnMarch 23rd, 2015 at 9:27 AM
I don’t think going backwards in a relationship ever works out for the couple..if he asked you to marry him and now he wants to drop the relationship status I wouldn’t let him..I would tell him you expect to have a date set soon..unfortunately for me I can’t even get mine to ask me..
PaulMarch 23rd, 2015 at 8:35 AM
I am 30 years old, we both havent been married before. we just take a break once, upto now. Yes i asked her why, and still i didnt recieve any answer. The exact answer statement that she told me was “I dont have any answer, It’s not a yes and It’s not a no”
jlynnMarch 24th, 2015 at 7:51 PM
I know how you feel.. I am 38 and my boyfriend is 52 ..we have both been married before though..when I ask him why he don’t want to get married again he says “I don’t know why” he has told me it’s not me he just never wants to do it again..it makes me upset to know that he would let me walk away than marry me..
jlynnMarch 24th, 2015 at 10:20 PM
*we were both married before to different people not to each other
An OrangeMarch 29th, 2015 at 7:31 PM
I have a similar situation, my partner and I living together for 6 years and 7 years in relationship.
Every time I asked him about commitment he always walk away and laughed at me.
Last time we had big argument because if his 20 years old daughter from private married who act like a 2 year girl as always, clearly his daughter comes first. I wanted to move on but I love him, I don’t know how can I going with this.
I’m 29 this year and he’s 54. I never married but he has twice with same lady which is his EX that there devised 19-20 years ago.
jlynnMarch 30th, 2015 at 7:54 PM
I don’t know what to do either..if I leave I’m going to be hurt and if I stay I’m going to be hurt knowing that he don’t want to marry me and won’t even tell me why..I would leave if I thought it would make him change his mind and see that he’s going to lose me for good if he doesn’t committ.. but what if he doesn’t come after me? Could I live with the decision I made to walk away?
sarahMarch 30th, 2015 at 7:20 AM
I’ve been with this guy for seven years, he asked me to marry him almost 5 years ago and still no date set. It feels like he will never set a date. We have 2 children and I’m to the point of leaving. Marry me or let me go!
laeiveMarch 30th, 2015 at 5:49 PM
Hello. So me and my boy friend have been dating 3.5 years now. We have 2 kids a 1 year old and 2 year old.I’m American and he is african my mom is a respectful Christian and bugs us always about being married and living under the same roof with the kids. I don’t won’t to be a bad example for my kids on the Godly way… he never wants to talk about commitment he just says over and over that he loves me and would nt be here of he didnt. He so disconnected from me an the kids and only wants to do things with us when it’s convenient for him. I am at the point of no return because I feel like I’m wasting my time.. I have prayed but no change so is it really time for me to change? And if so how?
kimberlyMay 7th, 2015 at 1:17 PM
Leave him. He’s never going to change. He’s only there cause its convenient
MarteApril 2nd, 2015 at 7:13 AM
Me and my bf have been together for 9 years. Both of us didn’t want to rush into anything as we were both young so marriage and kids were never an option. However now we are getting to a point in our lives were I’m 26 and he is 29, near graduation and about to start our life’s together. We have conversations,, about our future a lot even marriage, but the way he talks about its years away.
For April fools he thought it would be funny to announce our engagement on Facebook and it hit a nerve. I brought it up suggesting perhaps we should get engaged. He said it wasn’t the right time to talk about it and that he made a mistake and shut the conversation down.
I just feel lost and that for him it will never be the right time.
jlynnApril 4th, 2015 at 8:34 AM
Sorry he did that to you when he knew how much you wanted marriage.. my boyfriend knows better than do that to me
TrakeMApril 2nd, 2015 at 12:55 PM
The numbers just don’t add up.
Generally when a woman is just out looking for love and not a long term investment, she’ll pick a cocky jerk and sleep with him within a few dates if not sooner. If a woman is looking for a long term investment she will pick a gentleman with a nice career and not sleep with him for some time. The statistics on love back this up. Women sleep with a man they are cohabiting with the most, followed by boyfriends with husbands being loved the least. 75% of divorces are initiated by the wife. Men are generally taken to the cleaners in divorce courts in a way that cannot be done by anyone who cares. All of these observations/facts agree with each other and show that as a general rule women don’t love their husbands.
Some of you take a very my way or the highway kind of mercenary approach consistent with the data. Those here with this approach say it works. I wouldn’t be surprised. Many men are too stupid to realize that if women aren’t sleeping with him it’s because they don’t love him. Many men are too stupid to realize that if a woman wants to marry, she probably doesn’t love him.
Many here are saying that you love your man and want to marry him. I’m sure there are cases like this but the data suggest it’s the exception to the rule not the rule. Something doesn’t add up, and I’m not sure what. I will rack my brains on this for a while and see what I can come up with.
jlynnApril 4th, 2015 at 8:32 AM
I don’t agree with the fact that if a woman wants to marry a man she doesn’t love him..makes no sense…nor do I agree with the fact that it’s the woman’s fault for divorce more than the men’s..I’m fact I disagree with most of what you say..especially when I work with more men then women and hear how they brag about cheating on their wives all day and how stupid their wife is that they don’t know it..it’s a sad future for our children when more and more men refuse to committ and are setting bad examples for the future generations..
sassybitchApril 4th, 2015 at 8:15 AM
I totally believe that if a man loves his woman and wants a future with her and sees her as his wife than he’ll pop the question after a year or two. If after at least two years he hasn’t than he doesn’t love you enough to want to make such a commitment to you. I’m telling you the truth ladies so don’t waste a other year on a guy that doesn’t love you and want to pop question after 2 years. You should find a guy that has no dought after 2 years and one that knows he loves you to death and can’t live without you and wants to be you’re husband. Theres alot of romantic loving men out there that day dream about marriage just as much as us women do. Women that want marriage and don’t want to settle with just dating need to dump their looser bf and find thos romantic type of guy. Wtf wud any woman wait longer than 3 years for a ring! Get the clue that after 3 years he doesn’t love you enough so don’t settle for a man that don’t love you. So many women hold on and on hoping this will be the year smh… you’re not getting any younger
Lizzie sApril 5th, 2015 at 12:19 AM
I’ve been with my partner now for 13 years, he asked me to married him after 6 months of meeting… I wasn’t ready then- fast forward to Christmas 2014, we booked a holiday and he said about getting married there… I was delighted as was our two children- I’ve booked everything for the wedding, now to be told we are rushing into it- he doesn’t want to get married, what do I do the weddings in 7 weeks… I’m completely heartbroken :(
ConfusedApril 5th, 2015 at 9:35 PM
I’ve been with my boyfriend for over 2 years. We have a great relationship and never had a fight. We do not live together because my daughter is a junior in HS and I don’t want to move her at this point. Our plan is to move in together once she graduates. We have both been married once before. I’m 50 and he’s 54. He had a very expensive breakup and this is the main reason that he doesn’t want to marry again. I always thought that I didn’t want to either but I didn’t think I would meet someone I love like I do him. I am hurt that he doesn’t want to marry me. I feel rejected. At this point I don’t think i will sell my house and move in with him when the time comes. Just like others have said.. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free. I love this man but I am unsure of our future at this point. Being 50 and saying “my boyfriend” is starting to turn me off.. help.. What do I do??? I need advise!!
jlynnApril 6th, 2015 at 10:33 PM
I feel the same way about calling him “my boyfriend” ..feels like I’m in high school..we have been together 7 years and I can’t understand why he doesn’t want to commit when he is always telling me how much he loves me..
ConfusedApril 13th, 2015 at 3:20 PM
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this after 7 years. I guess it’s up to us whether to stay. We discussed it again this weekend and I told him at this point even if he asked me to marry him, I wouldn’t feel it was sincere, I don’t know…
jlynnApril 13th, 2015 at 9:34 PM
I know it’s so hard..I really love him but I don’t think he will ever want to marry me..I told him last night I will never get over wanting to get married and all he said is “I know”…I’m so confused on what to do..I finally found a man that I truly love and he don’t want to marry me…
amyApril 21st, 2015 at 10:25 AM
I’m on the same boat. I’m 31 and my bf is 40. He’s divorced. We’ve been together for 4 years …..bought a house together 3 years ago…He treats my son as if he’s his own and I the same to his 2 girls. But he doesn’t want to get married again. He says he doesn’t believe in it and a piece of paper changes nothing. I’ve never been married. I love my bf so much. He couldn’t be any more perfect for me. And it bothers me so much that he doesn’t want to get married ever.
trueloveApril 12th, 2015 at 10:45 PM
Please people don’t stay in these relationships.Why get married when you’re continuing to function and go on as a couple. I left my 4 year relationship for the very same reason and now happily engaged after dating someone new for 6 months. Leave! If they love you they will make every effort to get you back and make you happy including marriage. If not you will know they never planned on marrying you in the first place.
JessApril 20th, 2015 at 5:04 AM
HELP, I moved to another city to be with my boyfriend of 8 years as my living arrangements changed so we thought it would be a good idea for me to move. He has been wonderful however as of yet we don’t live together. He does stay over and we see each other neally everyday. We have grown up together our love is amazing however I’m missing home and my pets a lot when the days I don’t see him I start to freak out and say I want to go home. Recently I’ve had a rough time finding work and I called my mum, she wants me to come home but on the condition I never speak to my bf again. I have spoken to my bf who wants me to stay but also wants me to be happy. He said if I want to go home for a few months until he finds a house for us to move in together he will come and get me. He is also having financial issues which my mum doesn’t understand all she sees is I’ve been in a relationship for 8 years and not married but I know he will marry me and he has assured me. Do I go home and wait till he has our life set up and be around family and pets or should I stay because I love him so much. Either way he will marry me, I just have doubts if I stay I might push him away by my stress of being alone some days or do I risk going home on his promise until he is ready….
jlynnApril 21st, 2015 at 7:57 PM
I don’t understand why you don’t live together.. you would probably have less financial trouble therefore less stress..honestly I would tell him if you two can’t live together and work together as a team you may go back home..
JananneApril 21st, 2015 at 5:54 AM
Wow this is such a common problem. So many of us women heratbroken – mine happened last weekend ; after 3 years of dating and spending lots of time together including holidays and sleep overs with our respective kids, I asked about a commitment and that I believed marriage was so important. He went away for 24 hours and came back having decided that he now knew he didnt want to get married again even though he knew it was adeal breaker for me. I think -jlyn – your comments are the ones I most identify with. I am 47 with two boys, he is 55 with a daughter who lives with him part time. We have both been married twice before. I have a lovely house and enjoy my independence but want to be his wife and be a family once more, not just live together with all the sacrifices that entails without knowing he is fully commited to me in all ways. But he is such a lovely man that I dont want to leave, and risk maybe being alone forever. What do we all do? Are we all destined to remain unhappy??? No one has answers and I am so sad because the future I thought we had, and my future has jsut disappered and as someone said, this has already tainted what was a great relationship with some uncertainty. The uncertainty has gone but replaced with a knowledge that has brought pain and confusion. Sad sad sad :(
aliciaApril 21st, 2015 at 6:57 PM
jlynnApril 21st, 2015 at 7:51 PM
What’s hard is when you can feel the compatibility between you and he can too but he says he doesn’t want to get married.. I really would leave but only if I knew he would come after me..it’s hard..
aliciaApril 21st, 2015 at 7:00 PM
The question of marriage came up again. He said we could talk about it again later. Our two year engagement is the 28th of this month. It’s hard because my best friend is planning her wedding and they just got engaged.its hard for me to be happy for her. I feel horrible and she has no clue, I just tell everyone we aren’t in a hurry and they look at me funny.
jlynnApril 22nd, 2015 at 6:30 AM
I know what you mean.. I have a couple friends and family members getting married and I am happy for them but it sucks having to watch a wedding knowing I will never get married to the guy I want to marry
brknhrtApril 24th, 2015 at 8:38 PM
My fiance and I have been together over 2 years. He proposed completely on his own on new years. I was so surprised and exciteD. We have now bought a house and he has no intentions of setting a date. He says hes comfortable the way things are and is in no hurry. Why did he propose???
jlynnApril 25th, 2015 at 8:17 PM
Why buy a house with someone before there is a commitment? Now he feels like he don’t have to marry you because you are not going anywhere…
DaisygirlNovember 4th, 2015 at 4:13 AM
Same here. He proposed just before I moved myself and my daughter in with him and his 3 kids. We’d only been dating 10 months. This would be the 2nd marriage for both. We’re both 41. I didn’t pressure him a bit and was so flattered and over the moon. I actually said let’s wait on the wedding a bit because we were so busy, we don’t have family pushing us, the costs and just the big adjustment of blending a family. Now 2 and a half years later he says he wants to be together forever but it made sense to him that I wanted to wait.. And now he doesn’t see any reason to get married. I guess I missed the window?! I feel like he’s test driven this & isn’t sold.. Or is sold and feels he’s gotten it all so why make it legal. He’s much more set financially and will leave everything to his kids. We’ve talked about a prenup, so he shouldn’t worry I’ll try to take anything that’s theirs.
He says he needs me, I’m the only one, he loves me and wants to be together forever.. Just doesn’t see why we should get married (cow, milk, free…).
I just feel so cheated and hurt. Everyone knows we’re “engaged” and I have this beautiful ring… But I look at it.. It used to make me so happy and feel so loved and secure that my daughter and I will finally have a real family (i Don’t have any other living family).. But now it’s heartbreaking and humiliating. I don’t understand where his want to marry went. All he says is that he doesn’t see the need and his past (divorce, parents’ unhappy marriage) hasn’t helped him feel good about marriage.
I also want security.. I know the house we live in will go to the kids even if we’re married.. But we could work out a time frame for me to figure things out of he died.. And I do think about social security. I’m self employed and spend all my other time on our household, kids.. So I feel I’m putting in hours but not getting any security like he is at his job.. And that’s only for him and his kids. I’m so confused about what my “share” should be, married or not.. I feel like this girl living in his house.. A fake wife.
Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE him soon much and don’t want to lose him or upset our lives. This just feels unfair.. Like I’m living in his life but not part of his family.
LaineApril 24th, 2015 at 10:36 PM
Desi, and all the other women who are living with men who wont marry-Move OUT. Get your independence back. You have all given away your power to men who are getting everything on their terms. You don’t have to stop seeing them, but by moving out you change the dynamics of the relationship. Start dating other men too. Dont be so available to Mr “wont marry you”.
jlynnApril 25th, 2015 at 8:15 PM
The problem with that is you can’t go backwards in a relationship.. once you do it’s basically over.. if you feel you need to do that than you should quit seeing him altogether…as long as you are seeing someone on those terms you won’t find someone to marry you so you might as well stay where your at because no man will date a woman that still sees her ex and other men while he’s trying to develop a meaningful relationship..
deronApril 26th, 2015 at 7:40 AM
New to this.
My bf and I have been together 7yrs, we live together but have no children together. I have boys and he has a daughter. We used to fight and argue all the time but we no longer do that, he used to have insecurity but don’t show that he does anymore.
My problem is on Valentine’s day he gave me a ring but didn’t formally propose he told my children he did and my family he did but really didn’t. So we discussed it and I told him i wouldn’t wear the ring until he asked so he did I was so exciteD. This is what I’ve been waiting for YES. Well when i started asking him about dates is when the problem started he said he dont know so i suggested we both think of dates , and since we been together so long i think the sooner the better . He then tells me that he dont think we should make it a special date that one day we should just go do it… so that brought more questions by me. “Are we having a wedding?”
his answer was its to expensive, so i agreed. We told the family no wedding just court house. So that made them discuss a BIG reception. He didn’t say anything until we got home and said no reception. I was SHOCKED, hurt, confused and upset. So why do he thinks he has to control this situation? I’ve come to the conclusion that he just proposed to shut me up and he has no interest in getting married. I try to talk to him about it but i always get upset and shut down. He tell me we are getting married for us not for show so all that reception and stuff should’nt matter. I disagree we are not rich or cant afford over the top but I feel we should have something to celebrate our big day. Now he gets upset when i say “If we get married ” when we discuss the future but what does he expect if he makes me feel unsure all the tome.
jlynnApril 26th, 2015 at 8:34 PM
A.lot of men don’t like to have a big wedding or reception..me personally I wouldn’t care if I had one neither as long as I was getting married to the one I love..how about this: compromise and wear a wedding dress to the court house and instead of having a reception tell him you agree a reception is to much so just have a big family cookout instead.. this way its still like a reception but he thinks it’s just a family cookout..
ElisaApril 28th, 2015 at 4:01 AM
Something is the matter with us. If a man commits to you for 5, 10, or 20 years, supports you emotionally (and even financially), but doesn’t want to get married, what difference does it make? He sounds like a much better boyfriend than most husbands I have known. Shouldn’t we be grateful for what we do have instead of obsessing over what we don’t? Do you honestly believe that I man that doesn’t love you would spend 20 years of his life with you? Has he not invested just as much in this relationship? My boyfriend does not want to marry, and I find myself spinning my wheels like every other woman on these message boards. But sometimes I think I’m just being an idiot…
JanetMay 7th, 2015 at 10:45 PM
I am in the same predicament – wondering if I am doing the right thing. I have been with my bf for three years and recently gave him the ultimatum, and have ‘left’ as he told me he wants to be together , love and care for me and my two children but doesn’t want to get married again as after two divorces. But he is such a nice man, we get on so well together as lovers and friends and he is bit perfect but one of the nicest men I know so now I am quesionning what my stand is about. Having said that it would mean giving up a house I love, and my financial and personal independence and I need some commitment to be able to do that. So at the moment I have moved my stuff, returned keys trying to be philosophical and missing him!
ConfusedMay 8th, 2015 at 10:56 AM
Oh wow.. You actually left him? I still have my home and will for another 1.5 years because my daughter is still in HS and I won’t change her school at this point. I am feeling the same way, and I spoke to him about this. What if.. I sell my house, move in and he God forbid dies?? What then?? I’m sure his kids and family will want me out ASAP. I have no security then. It’s very hard. I love him so much and he is the best man I have ever had in my life. I really don’t want to start over. I actually quit dating for a few years before I met him because I met so many jerks. This is also very hurtful.. I feel rejected in many ways. Then I hear about how so many marriages end in divorce and I wonder if maybe he’s rite. I liked being married, but I was just married to the wrong person for 16 years. My ex can’t hold a candle to this guy. I’m torn😢
JanetMay 11th, 2015 at 10:42 PM
I left, then we talked, I started to change my mind but was seeking some measure of devotion from him before taking such a risk and when it wasn’t really there I questioned why he wasn’t fighting to keep me and he said he now had doubts about our relationship and that was probably the reason he was dragging his heels about marriage! Totally shocked and gutted. He has been my best friend as well as everything else and apart from thus issue we get on so well and never disagree/argue. I don’t want to be alone and have now practically begged him to stay in a relationship with me but in my heart if hearts I know its no longer right. Part of me wishes I had never pushed the marriage question as its ruined everything :(
ConfusedMay 12th, 2015 at 6:54 PM
OMG I’m so sorry!! I can vision everything you’re saying and I feel for you! This guy obviously has marriage issues. Did he have a bad divorce? I think he wants you, but is probably afraid you’ll leave him again. If you two had a good relationship before then you will get it back. Hang in there!
JanetMay 12th, 2015 at 10:52 PM
Thank you. He had two bad divorces! He was also scared that if we just lived together, I would be unhappy and in 5 or 10 years time I would leave him brokenhearted – his description! Was quite surprised by this! So, having met up and knowing we both love each other and care and don’t want to be apart we have decided to just agree to love each other and get back to where we were, having a great relationship. For now I am happy to just be happy with what I have and enjoy life, and also enjoy my time on my own and my independence and be content knowing I have a good man in my life who loves and cares for me. Its not exactly what I wanted but life is too short to be unhappy, and I am going to enjoy what I have and not worry (well, try not to) about what I haven’t got because the love thing is the most important. I hope you manage to reach a resolution in your relationship x
ConfusedMay 8th, 2015 at 11:04 AM
Hi Elisa.. I understand what you are saying. The only thing is that I’m 50 years old and I must think about my future.. Stability.. Security. Unless he puts something in writing why should I sacrifice my future because he’s been burned before. This totally stinks!
jlynnMay 10th, 2015 at 10:04 PM
I agree …I’m in the same situation…I am not with my boyfriend for anything he has..I’m with him because I love him ..however what if I am with him for 30 years and something happens to him after we have made this life together? Am I suppose to start all over again ..by than this will be hard for me to do because I will be older and the older you are the harder it is to start over again. ..not to mention why should I have to walk away when I helped put some time,money, and love into out home as well..
ToriMay 17th, 2015 at 11:49 AM
Agreed, I relate to what you said jlynn, I am concerned about 30 years down the road as well. I will lose everything, so all I can do now is stop financially and emotionally investing in the home we live in, outside of paying basic “rent” towards the mortgage.. I am not pitching in for new rain gutters, or blinds, because if anything happens to my partner, I would be kicked out by next of kin.
jlynnMay 18th, 2015 at 8:04 PM
I feel the same way…I don’t want to invest a lot of money into our home knowing I could be kicked out by someone …its sad because a woman takes pride in designing their home…
UmaApril 30th, 2015 at 7:48 PM
I have a kashmiri boyfriend committed for past 1 year. He says we have probably a year or a couple of years before he gets married to a Kashmiri girl that his parents will arrange for. I am a Hindu from south of India. He is a Muslim. I am ready to make changes for him. Ready to make sacrifices. What do i do to make him marry me.. please help
jlynnMay 1st, 2015 at 9:27 PM
Run for the hills or sand dunes..why bother with a guy who won’t stand up for himself and marry who he wants instead of letting someone else choose for him? If he won’t and is stuck in that situation there is nothing you can do…just make sure if you are willing to covert to Muslim make sure you can live with that choice..
erinevansApril 30th, 2015 at 9:52 PM
My boyfriend wants to marry me and move in with me we have been together for 7 mouths. But I gave him a really hard time the first time he wanted to date me we were friends for a year and a half he gave alot of signs that he likes me be I didn’t see it. I was dating someone else at the time when he told me he liked me I rejected him. He didn’t like that,he was unhappy about that but he didn’t give up he convenience me to break up with him. Then I started to date him,I never really liked compliments it took me 6 months and a break up to believe in the compliments and what true about me.I’m trying to be positive and happy. But he still wants to marry me,I’m so scared and worried about it even tho it’s five years away
jlynnMay 1st, 2015 at 9:23 PM
If it’s 5 years away enjoy your relationship and quit stressing over it..in 5 years if everything is good than marry him if you don’t want to marry him than don’t.. you have only been with him 7 months and your talking about 5 years from now..why stress?
erin eMay 2nd, 2015 at 4:10 PM
Okay! I will try!
jlynnMay 3rd, 2015 at 9:42 PM
NPMay 9th, 2015 at 8:51 AM
I have been with my boyfriend for two plus years now and I have known him for about 4 years. he is a great man. Loyal but not very communicative. But he is always like that so I have learned to live with it. We have had our ups and downs but we never give up on each other. When we got together we instantly got into a serious relationship. We were around each other everyday. Went to sleep and woke up together. It has been like this for the entire 2+ yrs we’ve been together. I’ve stayed with his family as he’s stayed with mine. But when I talk to him about marriage he says he’s not sure. I don’t want to live with someone and have sex with someone if we don’t see each other being together for life…because then what do I have to offer the right guy later? I do love him and he says he loves me and treats me good but I don’t know how much longer I can wait for him to be sure.
jlynnMay 9th, 2015 at 9:56 PM
I know what you mean..I don’t want to wait until I’m older and find out that the man who didn’t want to marry me was keeping me until he found the girl he really did want to marry..what’s odd is he says he can see him always being with me so I’m confused why he doesn’t just marry me …
the plainMay 13th, 2015 at 12:00 PM
I am with a man almost 13yrs nd for all those years all he says is I love you so much u dnt even know it nd I will marry you let’s just first get all the things we want in life. My question! what more material things will one want? wen we hAve everything how do we build a life togther when we not married, what if something happens when one of us die. Its not easy being this long in a relationship and looking forward in life how do u do that when tomorw he kicks u to the curb
:-/May 14th, 2015 at 7:26 PM
My boyfriend and I been dating for 2yrs now. He said that he’s honestly thinking about marriage bc I take such good care of him and do what he asks he even said I’m way too good to him. And he asked me to think about it and give him an answer soon and I said I will but few days later he said he wants to marry me and he loves me so much but he’s not sure if he wants to get married yet. And told me that he’s really been thinking about it a LOT.. Now i’m confused :-/
WiserNowMay 15th, 2015 at 6:06 AM
Ladies, ladies, ladies. I have a two word solution to all of your problems: PULL AWAY.
All of your stories are similar, and I’ve been there, done that. No amount of talking about it or threatening to leave will work on a man. They are all designed the same way. You have to pull away when they are not giving you what you need. It doesn’t require leaving — just pull away and make him chase you again. That’s what makes them thrive. They have to feel like you are worthy — and begging, crying, and threatening only make you appear less worthy, like you are more interested in marriage than you are being with him. Men don’t listen to reason like we do. They are simple. They enjoy the chase, and the chase doesn’t end just because you’ve been with them a year or several years. Make them work for it. Trust me. It took me years to figure this out. Go do things without him. Take more time to respond to his texts. Stop asking him how he feels about marriage. Be that fun-loving, easy going girl he fell in love with. You know, the girl who laughed and smiled and wasn’t worried about “where this is going”. So here’s your homework for 10 days, and report back and let the other ladies know what his response was. No, you won’t get a marriage proposal in 10 days, but you’ll get his attention and desire back, and that’s the building block for the future you want. So for the next 10 days:
1. Don’t initiate a text message, and wait at least 45 minutes before you respond to his. When you do reply, keep it light-hearted and simply sweet. (Hope your day is going great! 😀)
2. Don’t ask him one time where the relationship is going, and don’t talk about your feelings or the past.
3. Make plans without him two times during the 10 days. Go to dinner or a movie, or just go drive around and listen to music if you have to. But don’t invite him. And don’t text or call him while you’re away! Wait 45 min if he texts you.
4. Be nice to him, and compliment him for something he does for you or on his appearance.
You get the point. It’s all about the chase. Ladies, you’re never too old to play hard to get. It worked on the playground, and it works on grown ass men. Love to you! Don’t forget to report back at the end of the 10 days to encourage other ladies who need it.
JanetMay 15th, 2015 at 10:30 AM
I liked this! After a near break up over the marriage issue I realised I just wanted to be in a relationship with a lovely man that I loved more than anything, and we agreed to just love each other and get back on track, and because I am actually quite happy in my own home with my independence and no longer feel under pressure to make big decisions I have chilled out so much, and yes, enjoying his efforts – his messages and requests to see me. I have pulled away to a place I am happy for now, and letting him take the keas after months and months of it being me that pushed for commitment. Its working for me! X
WiserNowMay 15th, 2015 at 2:43 PM
Kudos to you for figuring it out 💗 Best wishes for your future!
jlynnMay 15th, 2015 at 4:06 PM
I know what you are saying but we have too much respect for each other than playing games and not responding to each others text and taking off for hours and not know where each other is … when you live with someone you can’t do that to each other and not expect any problems ..however I do need to try to quit asking him continuously about marriage and quit acting upset about it all the time …this I can try to work on…I just can’t do something to him like ignoring him when I don’t want him to do it to me …
ConfusedMay 15th, 2015 at 5:56 PM
Maybe marriage isn’t the answer. After all, mine ended after 16 years. The problem I have is that I feel rejected by him not wanting to get married. I can honestly say that he would feel the same way if it were another woman. He just doesn’t want to get married.. Period. He is afraid of losing everything again in another divorce. I’m going to also stop talking about it.
ConfusedMay 15th, 2015 at 6:00 PM
Hey.. I like this!! Now if I can only get the guts to do it.. Lol
LarileahMay 23rd, 2015 at 7:01 AM
I feek like my boyfriend brings up marriage and kids more than me and ive been at the point in life I want to be settled already. And he says hes been wanting it but always places a price tag like its about love not always about money ive seen the poorest of people have a decent wedding and support many children. Its like it has to be his way or no way at all plus I have medical condition that can lead to infertility and hes still just about himself and his needs and wants.
jlynnMay 23rd, 2015 at 3:36 PM
I would be happy just to wear a dress to the court house and have a BBQ at the house with family and friends afterwards …at least your man is willing to marry you and he’s right it don’t have to cost a lot to commit to each other …save the money for a nice vacation or something else for the house
TMLMay 24th, 2015 at 7:36 AM
The playing hard to get sounds great, but what if you live with him?
catMay 25th, 2015 at 7:02 PM
I have been with my guy four years, last night he said two…to a buddy. I said four and he replied “that long”… So it has been a good four years judging by his tone. His friends give him trouble for not marrying me…he replies he loves me, etc. He SATs his reason is he has lost two houses….a cover for another issue probably. Last night Hus friend made a comment, I stated, he just hasn’t found the right one (to marry) yet. He quickly replied he had found the one (me) but was not getting married…..I feel like my being a somewhat chubby is the issue…he likes 85 lb women…yet his gerth has expanded! It hurts me because I feel, his statement (which is always the same–about losing real estate) I feel as if he doesn’t care as much for me as I do him…yet immediately he introduced me to family, his adult kids, his friends, his employees and took me to his favorite restaurants, etc. If I disappeared for awhile he would inquire about my whereabouts right away, without hesitation, plus he would probably pay me back..grr. He told his friend our relationship is like marriage anyhow, in a positive tone. We don’t say I love you often, he always thanks me for doing the things I do for him..I wouldn’t get married now anyhow, but I would feel more secure if I felt he would someday…soooo HELP!
jlynnMay 28th, 2015 at 3:43 AM
Sounds alot like my relationship in everything you said but the weight thing
mariJune 2nd, 2015 at 11:38 AM
Good luck with everything. I’m in a relationship with this awesome guy who doesn’t want any commitment because of the fear to loose his daughters 22,19, and 18 years olld. Who doesn’t want me around according to him. I guess I’m company to him when his daughters who live with his ex doesn’t want to see him. His oldest one moved in with her boyfriend, just finished college but doesn’t have a job. And he does everything for his daughter from gas to money for interviews, etc. Because her boyfriend doesn’t give her money. Bit the giy is paying all the bills because she doesn’t have a job. He says he does this because his daughter is not married to this guy. I know he’s not marrying me because he had said it many times. It breaks my heart every time he says this. I told him that there is no need to keep reminding me because every time he does my soul dies. His ex wife cheated on him with many guys, got a restraing order against him and threw him on the street. After 11 years divorced for every single event in his daughters life he takes a picture with his ex. He dosage it according to him for his daughters because he doesn’t want.to hurt them . He cannot move in with me or me with him because he’s afraid to loose them. Always tells me I’m the adult and have to understand he cannot hurt his daughters. Meantime I’m dying inside. I don’t leave because I love him. And I know there is nothing out there. After 21 years married, my husband left me with two kids, who are terms now )19 and 17). I guess I’ll live in fear of the tomorrow. I would like.to find a good.man willing.to marry me. I’m a hardworking woman, descent, respectful, loving, caring. Who cleans, cook, and take care of his house. Things his ex wife never dis. Our sex is greater, to the point I believe is the only connection between us. We talk, go out and do many things together. My teens love him because he has a big heart . But.doesn’t want to live together or get marry.
LuzJune 2nd, 2015 at 9:45 PM
Will this work if we live together ?
Been there done that...June 15th, 2015 at 11:31 AM
I will be trying this an will report back on how it worked and the details of my situation 😊 thank you!
DesaniJune 18th, 2015 at 10:49 PM
I absolutely LOVE WiserNow’s response!! That is the perfect advice right there in your message and I intend to follow it exactly. I love that you gave the 10 day goal/challenge it’s something to work towards to keep our crazy marriage focused minds occupied while being positive at the same time. Thank you so very much!!!
Gr8fullTotMomma+Unsure/Unhappy=TERRIFIED4"Us'?!July 14th, 2015 at 11:52 AM
WiserNow,I completely 100% understand and agree with your advice. I do know those things keep them guessing, keep it fresh, their desire, etc. BUT. What do you think about like “true love”. I KNOW ALL relationships take WORK. Give and take. What if it’s always one way. I give and give and give. Be it sexually, constantly biting my tongue (meaning really “choosing my battles” not being a door mat). Listening to what he has to say intently, even if it’s REALLY uninteresting to me. Ie, A/C components, parts house bs, etc. All the while not being on his a** 24/7. He’s twice divrcd.50 y/o,I’ve never been married (or even proposed too actually) 38 yrs old. We’re blessed to have a 2 yr old daughter. He does (basically) take care of us financially & I don’t take that lightly. We struggle a bit but are okay $ wise. He knows It’s important to me, specifically now that we have a child, to be married.
Now, am I losing my mind. Or when two ppl are supposedly in love, truly. Shld.it be so one-sided. Should I always feel awful. Unsatisfied, unwanted. Should I often do ALOT of the things you talk about. Only to go unnoticed. In the past year or so I swear this man has all but said “It’s MORE important for ME to “finish” in the bedroom, because I don’t feel like taking a few EXTRA minutes every now and again so YOU too can actually “finish” too!” I’m beginning to think he is just plan SELFISH & LAZY. I think he is settling, I take care of our daughter good on his eyes, he doesn’t think I’m going anywhere. He isn’t going to do ANYTHING he doesn’t HAVE to. Get married, pretend he’s listening when I talk, & now for the cherry on top, stop caring for me in the bedroom! I think sadly, actually devastatingly sadly. I may have answered my own question. Shouldn’t it be different if someone’s truly in love with you. Shouldn’t he at some point feel bad that his significant other, partner, mother of his daughter isn’t happy? Love shouldn’t feel this way, right? I don’t want to break up our “family” but I don’t want our daughter to think she shouldn’t be put on a pedistol in her loves eyes. Or that she should be in an unhappy relationship not to mention trying to raise her with Christian values yet her parents are unmarried? A year ago I’d have said “I wish he’d propose” now I think I’m beginning to be grateful we’re not. That makes it a little easier to leave. He says he loves me, our family, that we’ll be together forever. He’s committed to me. Yet doesn’t apparantly care enough to ask me to be his wife. Times ticking by and I try and be grateful for what we/I have. I am continuously unhappy and feel less wanted and important. I don’t think he really loves me. Not in “that” way. Have I lost touch. Or is real love still out there? Help me figure out what to do here. Please!
Expat in BahrainMay 17th, 2015 at 2:52 AM
I have been living with my partner for two years and together for three years. When we met, I was in a 20 year marriage with my three children living overseas as an expat. We met through acquaintances and became friends which developed into a relationship. We both left our spouses for each other. He was on his third marriage. I’ve been married once. We always discussed marriage and a future together. But within the last few months he has repeatedly told me he doesn’t want to get married again after three failed marriages. He says marriage ruins everything. I get where he’s coming from but can’t just ignore my feelings and desire for marriage. I am 47 and want a commitment and future with him. I honestly believe we are meant to be together. Should I continue to wait and hope he changes his mind.
ABMay 17th, 2015 at 7:02 AM
I have been with my bf for nearly 6 years. After a year he fell out with his parents and moved in with me. His younger brother is getting married to his gf of 3 years and now it has left me feeling like an idiot. There is no way I can sit in a church with all the pitying looks from others (mainly smug married women) wondering why my bf won’t marry me.
My bf says he wants to be financially secure (I am well off and support us both which I would be happy to continue doing in marriage). He says I need to give him time but I am 32 this year and feel like things may never change. Then I’ll be too old for marriage with someone else and kids.
I know I should split up with him but it’s really hard to make such a big change to your life knowing this might be as good as it gets. I agree that being happy with a bf should be enough but I want to get married. It sounds like such a small thing (and if it is then why doesnt he just do it??) especially when others in the world are experiencing so much suffering but I can’t help how I feel.
JanetMay 17th, 2015 at 12:36 PM
It is different if you want children, in which case, you would probably be better leaving and finding someone who will make that commitment to you. However I do understand that as a man he may feel the need to be in a position where he can support you. You need to have big, honest talks but don’t waste too much of your precious time x
AMMay 19th, 2015 at 6:59 AM
I am going through the exact same thing. We have been together going on 6 years. We have been living together for less that a year. And honestly I push him to live together. He didn’t want to because he is not financially stable this is a big issue for him he works very hard and is trying to pay off a lot of bills from the past relationship and he was taken to the cleaners on child support with this child and pays a turn of money a month. But I told him if we love each other it didn’t matter we got a place he pays not even half and I’m okay with that. I didn’t realize I was pushing all the time about marriage but apparently that’s become an issue. I’m a very independent person I have a son his dad is not in his life my son is 10 and is just now coming around to my boyfriend as far as telling him you love him and hugging him and becoming close to him it took him a while but I think it’s because his dad left when he was so young so I let him do it on his own time he has a daughter that is with us on weekends. He doesn’t communicate well he shuts down and ignores me until he feels comfortable talking and that’s a big problem for me. Now he’s sleeping in the other room and said he’ll move out soon as he can and I’m heartbroken I worry that I made the wrong decision that my son is not going to have this great man in his life and I’m going to lose the love of my life just because I was being selfish and want to marriage but I’m afraid the damage is done now and that he’s going to leave I told him two days ago I would leave him alone and give them space to let him think we haven’t talked since then I’m worried it’s too late I don’t know if it was all worth it if marriage is worth losing this
jlynnMay 19th, 2015 at 8:05 PM
And this is where I’m torn…I want to marry him so bad and can’t stop talking about it and I’m afraid if I push him away to where he leaves me or I leave him over this I will regret it …but still I can’t help the way I feel neither …
JananneMay 20th, 2015 at 1:51 PM
Having almost lost my man over this I have to say my whole perspective has changed and although I feel a bit sad that he wont marry me and the future is still uncertain, it pales into insignificance to the misery I felt on losing such a lovely partner, lover, best friend. I just decided to try to be content with what I have. I wish I had longer legs, I wish my mum hadn’t died, and I wish he would marry me but sometimes there are things we have to accept and just move on in life. I do understand what marriage means, as i too was at that point but it took almost losing him to make me just appreciate what I do have and accept things as they are. Yes I do still wish he would propose and secretly I still hope he will, and I no longer feel we can plan a future together as such, but life is too short to be unhappy…cherish what you have, a man who loves you and who wants to be accepted for who and how he is, and if he is worth doing that for, you have a very precious gift of love in your life xx
ConfusedMay 20th, 2015 at 2:57 PM
Wow.. You said that perfectly. I agree with everything you say. I feel exactly the same. I don’t want to lose my “boyfriend” over this. It took me a very long time to meet him. I’m 50 years old and have been divorced for 12 years. I dated a lot of men, and no one compares to him. I feel lucky and blessed to have such a great man in my life. I have girlfriends that are my age and still single because they haven’t met a nice man. There are so many jerks out there with all type of issues.. I don’t want it!! If I broke up with my man, Someone else would swoop him rite up. I’m a good catch as they say, but so is he. I’m not bringing up marriage anymore. He did tell me that when I move in that he’d make some type of legal agreement that I can stay in the house for a certain period of time if god forbid he dies. That’s my fear too.. I have a home and don’t want to start over. We also talked about buying a house together as a retirement place for us so I would have that.
jlynnMay 20th, 2015 at 9:03 PM
I feel the same way about its not worth losing my man over but than the other part of me says he was willing to lose me by not marrying me so do I mean less to him than he does me …he says he loves me and acts like he does and he is my best friend and the best man I’ve ever had in my life but I can’t help but have the feelings that I do
JanetMay 20th, 2015 at 10:50 PM
It sounds like you have so much going for you and your relationship compared to others. I am 47 and also been in past relationships, marriages, the dating scene (hideous) and know how many idiots are out there and don’t want to be alone, or have to start over. Its not totally easy to let go of wishes and hopes, but the alternative is worse. It would be different if I were younger or wanting children, but I can enjoy my life and not worry so much now. I know he loves and cares for me, like you, and having a retirement together to look forward to must be very comforting. I wish you every happiness xx
tlcMay 26th, 2015 at 11:39 PM
so I have been with my boyfriend for over 4 years we live together in the house that him and his ex wife bought. I take care of his two kids and my kid every day, I stay home. I have no debt but he has like $60,000 of debt because he didn’t want to leave his ex with bills. last year I got a blood clot in my lungs and had to stay in the hospital for 2 weeks. I didn’t have insurance, he told me he didn’t have enough money to pay MY hospital bills so I had to get a job but I still took care of the kids and made sure they still got to school and sports with help from my mom. nothing that we have is in my name not the house not the trailer that I paid off my car or his truck because my credit sucks because I was a single mom and didn’t have my s*** together. we only fight about sex and marriage. I want to get married for stability and because I want to be with him for the rest of my life. My loyalty only lies with him. I love him more than I thought possible! his ex wife cheated on him with his best friend so I feel that he’s afraid I will do the same I have never been married I am my thirties and I have full custody of my 9 year old son. we have our first counseling appointment next week. sometimes I feel like if he’s not going to give me the commitment I feel like I want and I deserve I should just leave but then I can’t picture my life without him and his kids. I’m so torn. Please help
jlynnMay 28th, 2015 at 3:39 AM
Some of your post leaves some confusion …why do you fight over sex? Of one of you are not giving the other the intimacy one wants or needs there is no way getting married is going to help this relationship…I can say one thing and that is there is no way I would be paying a house or cars off that I wouldn’t be able to call mine in an event of a death or split in a divorce…if you want to help out with bills by giving him a couple hundred or so that’s fine but don’t be paying anything else …that’s not your obligation..
tlcMay 28th, 2015 at 11:10 AM
we fight about sex because he said that is the only way that he feels loved and when he doesn’t get it every day that he wants it he kind of turns into a bratty child. I have a hard time with sex because I had a full hysterectomy when I was 26 and now 33 so I have to take hormone supplements everyday I just don’t have the want or the earg and especially when he doesn’t treat me nice why would I want to have sex with him until that response his is why would I want to marry somebody that isn’t going to love me the way I want to be loved then when I talk to him about separating he says he doesn’t want to be with anybody but me so we are going to go to counseling and try to work things out. I have also told him that I need to feel stable in the fact that nothing that we have the money minutes with but that he really take everything even though he swears he wouldn’t but break ups can change people. I guess I’m just confused cuz I want to get married and I really don’t feel like I’m going to get that from him
jlynnMay 29th, 2015 at 6:28 PM
Ok well you need to stop paying everything off if you are going to be entitled to nothing …I live with someone that doesn’t want to marry me and the only thing I buy is flowers for the landscaping and groceries and I make him take a couple hundred from me because I have a need to be independent even with the commitment of marriage if it ever happens …also you need to go to a therapist and find out what you can do to make you feel the desire to have sex again..
ConfusedJune 8th, 2015 at 5:31 PM
I hope that counseling works for you two. That is a step in a good direction. Good luck!
You are young and need security! Hopefully he changes his mind. I wouldn’t be so generous. Keep some $ for a rainy day. I would also get your car put in your name.
My boyfriend makes good Money.. He lent me money for a car. I have paid hi all back except for $1000.. I’ve already paid him $7500. He can wait till next years tax return. I’m not cutting myself short when he has a nice savings and k live week to week.
SihleMay 31st, 2015 at 3:34 PM
ok if marriage is such a rubish of time to men why don’t they just spend one day and do it for our sakes.this is hard for me.
I’ve been with my man for 8 years he is 30 I am 25.I have a child before this relationship and I am doing my honours he drives a cab.he wants a child I want one too but I am not having a second child while I still leave with my parents.I said I want a family he said he is not financially safe but we both not safe for a baby.I looked at him.he never gives me money.he borrows me money that I have to return at a particular time.I do my hair my clothes I do me.I ask myself how are we going to join pockets and a have a kid where as he is my loan shark without the interest.I told him last year December that I need more from him he said ok.at the back of my mind I was like you have 5 months to pull your socks.well nothing changed.we had a fight around 22:30 he threw me out I walked home.he came back I went back for the sex because I don’t like sleeping with someone else.so he talked about us getting married I was like god you showed me a sign I don’t need you to come down.hell no me marry you my brain said.so my birthday came up 29/05 so he bought me cake except I don’t eat cake and he new about it and said he will buy me wings.I laughed inside but said don’t bother.I love you you I thought you were the best thing that happen to me.I use to thank god for you but no.
my point it takes time to get to know someone.you need to find out what’s more important for you.if a man wants to marry you he will propose but if he feels pressured when you fight he will run somewhere else.marriages outside don’t last.what do you need at the end of the day.if a man tells you he doesn’t wanna get married that’s it decide in that moment the couch or the door.keep in mind that he might not want to marry you but no man would ever say that.I left my man not for the sake to find someone else but for him to see my value.we all feel that marriage will complete us.ask the right questions be ready for answers ask after sex
BeenThereJune 2nd, 2015 at 5:05 PM
For an eye-opener, read the response from “Athena” (response number 12). It’s probably the most practical advice on this entire page. Good luck.
StuckinarutJune 6th, 2015 at 1:02 PM
I’ve been with my boyfriend since I was 15 and 12 years later were putting money down on a house were we grew up. As you can imagine we’ve been through a lot of life changes in 12 years- high school drama, college, random break ups then back together, deployments, etc. Through his years in the service everyone asked me “why aren’t you guys married?” And now that we’re buying our first house and many years have passed, our friends have all started getting married and I’m begrudgingly sooo jealous. Truth: I have no interest in the wedding aspect of marriage. I just want the commitment and promise, but pathetically the ring too. My boyfriend has no interest in marriage as we both came from families of very bitter divorces. I feel like I’ve exhausted every attempt to warm him up to the idea of marriage, but it upsets me that after all this time I have to beg or persuade him to want to marry me. Doesn’t that make me extremely pathetic ? All of our fights revolve around me pestering him about marriage and I get the “if you didn’t ask me everyday then I might be interested” talk. He makes me feel guilty that I want go spend my life with him and that the only reason I want to get married is for his health care. Right now I feel like after all these years of waiting it wouldn’t even make me happy or excited if he proposed as he sucked all the happiness out of it. I’m in a shit or get off the pot situation with him- do I stay and try to accept the fact he won’t marry me or leave bc he will never marry me and that’s something I shouldn’t give up on. I love him very much and have been very dependent on our relationship for many years that I have no identity without him nor do I know how to be alone or take care of myself.
jlynnJune 7th, 2015 at 7:44 PM
Me and my boyfriend are the same way …I always feel guilty for briging marriage up everyday but it’s something I want in my relationship…I am so embarrassed because everyone knows I want to marry him and he doesn’t want to marry me …
ConfusedJune 8th, 2015 at 5:23 PM
i feel embarrassed too. I feel like the reject who will always have a “boyfriend” never a husband. I am envious that women at work have a husband and I never will. I love him so much and don’t want to be without him. There’s no ultimatum here..if I threatened to leave, he’d probably go. Even if he agreed to marry me, it wouldn’t be sincere. He just doesn’t want to get married. I could make like miserable and bitch forever, but that won’t help. I really don’t like this feeling. I’m sick of it.
JuliaJune 10th, 2015 at 11:49 PM
I totally understand what you mean. I wish my boyfriend wanted to marry me. We’ve gotten into a couple of heated discussions about it. In my heart I know that if he ever proposed he would be doing it for my sake and I don’t want that either. I love him very much and I can see myself with him forever. For some reason I have this overwhelming want for marriage and I don’t have an explanation for it. I can still have everything I want outside of marriage yet I still want it. But I would never sacrifice our relationship for this irrational want.
cassieJune 12th, 2015 at 5:34 PM
I totally feel for you. Ive been with my guy for 8 years. Ive been wanting to get married since 2010. We talked about having kids and he bought us a puppy for Christmas. I told him I wanted to elope. He said we couldn’t do that to our families and that he wanted a big wedding. By mid 2011 I couldnt take it anymore and just blurted out “we should get married”. At first he said nothing which I thought was the worst thing ever but then he said “but I dont want to marry you”. That was actually the worst thing ever. All my friends and family know I want to be married. We now have 2 kids together. He wants to go to the court house and “just do it” but now I don’t want to.He wants to get married because he doesn’t want his daughters to be bastards. Not because he loves me. I believe he does truly love me its just that love isnt a reason to get married for him.
jlynnJune 13th, 2015 at 8:41 AM
You need to sit him down and have a talk …I would ask him why he wants to get married now when he told you before that he didn’t want to marry you…maybe he wasn’t ready than and is now since he’s had time to think about it…
GemmaJune 16th, 2015 at 4:45 PM
Omg! This is exactly how I feel. I have just had a child with my bf and I desperately want him to marry me but he doesn’t believe in it. ‘It is real’ I tell him! He says he loves me and wants to be with me forever and that if I really want to he will marry me but I know his heart isn’t in it and therefore I can’t force him. That’s not the point. I have cried and cried over this. I want us all to have the same name and I want him to Barry me. In my heart I feel like I’m not his true love as he won’t marry me. I feel like my life will always be incomplete because of this. I feel incredibly embarrassed as everyone knows I want to marry him too.
jlynnJune 20th, 2015 at 10:46 AM
It’s definitely embarrassing …we have been around friends and they have asked us why we are not married and if his nepthew is with us he will whisper to them not to bring it up because I’m wanting to get married and he doesn’t …than they start apologizing to me…I get so embarrassed that people knows the man I love won’t marry me
RealGoodHonestAnswerJune 8th, 2015 at 1:30 PM
Well for many of us good single men out there that would’ve wanted a wife and family, there are many of us still Single as i speak since most women nowadays are very independent, selfish, spoiled, very picky, and think their all that with their high paying job today as well as being very high maintenance which makes it much harder for us meeting a good woman to get married too.
ConfusedJune 8th, 2015 at 5:24 PM
Well if we are lucky enough to have a good paying job… I guess we need it since we don’t have the security of having a husband.
jlynnJune 12th, 2015 at 1:37 PM
Good point “confused” …
What are we supposed to do live with our parents until a man wants to get off their ass and marry us? Us women has to have a way to support ourselves and there is nothing wrong with being independent especially with men these days not wanting to grow up …
JennJune 16th, 2015 at 10:47 AM
I’ve been with my boyfriend for a little over 7 years,we have two kids together and we share everything a home our bank accounts ect… I feel he does truely love me but he doesn’t believe in marriage. He said his parents loved each other and were together for 17 years with out a thought of marriage and they had 5 kids. And he adds marriages now a days always end in divorce and have high cost and its not worth it for a piece of paper. But I want that piece of paper! And if its just a “piece of paper” why not just give it to me? Everyones advise is to leave, they say I shouldn’t sacrifice what I want out of my future. But I don’t feel like that’s the answer excpecially with two kids. But what do you do in this situation?
MeJune 17th, 2015 at 1:50 AM
So less than a month ago I found out my bf for 8 years was cheating on me. He’s been having talking to this girl online and even bought a flight ticket to see her on the same time I’m going away on a trip with my family. I was devastated. When we came back from our respective trips, he said he didn’t meet her and he knows he made a mistake and I am really who he loves. I really love him so I agreed to give it another try. We own a home together but He works out of town so I do not know what he doing most of the time when he’s away but I find whenever we’re together he’s very affectionate but when we’re in public place, he barely look at me and looks at other girls and noticing them more. We fought a few times and marriage topic came up, I wanted to get married for a long time now, we talked about it, we talked about having kids together but he never pop the question. During our last fight, he admitted popping the question came to him mind years back but said he can’t afford the wedding I want, and now he feels suffocated…?? But he said he loves me…?? I don’t what to think of all these. Help….
jlynnJune 18th, 2015 at 8:53 PM
Why marry someone you can’t trust? It’s obvious you can’t …. marriage is not going to make it better…
unsettledJune 28th, 2015 at 4:55 PM
Listen to all of us… we don’t want to lose our man best friend lover etc… so we r settling on their terms. They don’t want get married and we settle and agree with them cuz we don’t want to lose the. It’s total bullshit..when are they gonna be forced to have to settle for us..to have to give up their dreams to make sure we stay with them… I have been with mine for 12 years..we have 2 beautiful daughters together. .we were first engaged 10 years ago… however the day after the proposal he told me he didn’t mean it and took the ring off my finger. .a few hours later he loved me and couldn’t wait to marry me. This went on for the next year during the pregnancy and birth of our first daughter. .. shortly after I broke off our engagement and took the ring off… to me that ring has been tainted since the night he gave it to me.. we had a rocky 8 years after that. . finally on our 9th anniversary I had had enuf.. I gave him a year to grow up n make a decision or I would make it for us on our 10th anniversary. . not only for myself but for our daughters also.. I don’t want our girls to think it’s ok for a man to walk in n out of your life.. (romantically…, he is a great father) so he decided that he wanted me n a future with his family 2 months before our 10 ur anniversary. . the past 2 years have been wonderful. . I finally have the relationship I deserve after 12 years of putting up with a bunch of shit. Last week him and our daughters asked me to marry them… it was the sweetest proposal ever… I’ve be been super ecstatic for the past week.. now I am getting the feeling that it’s just being done because of our girls, that if we didn’t have them there would be no engagement or wedding. .. so again I’m feeling pissed off n unsettled. . do I carry on n plan a wedding that I’ve been waiting for. Or do I take the ring back off… I want to be married cuz he loves me,wants to spend the rest of his life with me not because he feels a sense of obligation to me and our daughters and knows that I want to have the same last name as them.. I know he loves me,n there is no one else out there for either of us,that regardless of marriage we will be together forever. . So do I settle and have my happily ever after or not settle n still have our kind of happily ever after??? And question either decision I make for the rest of our lifes…
ConfusedJune 29th, 2015 at 3:23 PM
hi.. I say go through with the wedding. You have kids together and should be married. I love the way him and your daughters asked you to marry them! Put your sour feelings aside and enjoy! You won’t be sorry cause you said you’d be together anyway. Go for it!! Good luck and have fun planning the wedding!!
KehlaniJuly 1st, 2015 at 1:55 AM
On Sept 22, it will be 6 years with my bf, recently i brought up marriage around his sister & he said it loud and clear , just to let you know im never getting married, which was shocking because all these 6 years. He has talked about it and we’ve looked at rings, i feel like shit, i don’t know what to do, we have a son together & im afraid if we never get married that my son will one day ask why haven’t we got married, & if i respond with because your dad didn’t want to , it will be a bad example , because love & family is the best thing in life, but i also don’t want to get married if he doesn’t mean it, my dreams are crushed, i don’t know if i should continue this realtionship, if all i ever wanted was to be a wife, & i don’t want to stay just because i have a son, i love him, I’m still inlove with him since day 1, but things aren’t the same anymore & since he said this & it literally embarrassed me, because he said it infront of people, i feel like i can’t do this anymore.
I don’t know if breaking up because he doesn’t wanna get married is worth it, i also feel like his drunk and immature coworkers interfere in our relationship, because since he met these new coworkers at his job i don’t know who he is anymore.
anonymousJuly 4th, 2015 at 12:31 PM
I have been with this girl for 7 years and she has 2 kids, I was so eager to marry her when we were in our early stages of the relationship, and now she just doesn’t want to anymore, I keep telling myself everything will be OK but I don’t see any change in her in getting married. She also doesn’t want to get married cus I don’t make much money. Honestly I’m starting to lose interest, I don’t know what to do,
JessicaJuly 6th, 2015 at 10:14 PM
There’s no way in trying when your partner is with you for money.
nickyJuly 9th, 2015 at 12:17 AM
i m in a relationshp from past 6 yrs … n now when it comes to marriage he says i love you but marriage m not sure about my family.. i m totally lost dnt knw wat to do..
jlynnJuly 13th, 2015 at 9:33 AM
I decided to sit my boyfriend down and have a talk about him not wanting to marry me…I told him this talk wasn’t about giving him an ultimatum to marry me because I really don’t want him to marry me if it’s not in his heart to do it ..but to let him know that if we are not married in 2 years that we need to go our own ways…I love him but I want someone that loves me equally and wants to commit and it’s not fair to either one of us if I’m hurt everyday of my life over this and he has to be frustrated because I am miserable …I just think sometimes people aren’t meant to be together no matter how much in love they think they are
PattiSeptember 27th, 2015 at 8:00 PM
Jlynn, I feel like you and I are in the same boat. I
would like to email you directly if I could. Do you know if that inspiringly?
A little background.
I am 54 and my boyfriend is 66. He once strung me
along with little hints that we would probably eventually marry,
but now I’ve been told it doesn’t make good business
sense. Marriage is not a business dea to me, but it is to him.
We have been together for four years now, living together
for 3. Moved 12 hours away from all our family and
friends. My middle school daughter is with us.
I am not happy about it. In fact, heartbroken.
I don’t know why it’s so darn important to me, but it is.
I cry a lot about it, but try not to in front of him.
I just need people, women, to commiserate with. I don’t think
he’ll change. I want him to love me enough to marry me. :(
AddieJuly 21st, 2015 at 8:10 AM
My boyfriend and I have been for 2 1/2 years , going on 3 years come August 17th. Whenever I bring up marriage he tells me that he is not sure if he wants to get married. I think he’s scared that things will change between us. I believe things don’t have to change between us. (Which I have told him before) also, I think the fact his mom has been married and divorced 3 or 4 times plays a big part in it. My parents are always asking when is gonna ask, I tell them I don’t know. But the thing is that, my dad is sick, he has CIDP..CIDP (Chronic Inflammatory Demyelinating Polyneuropathy) is a rare disorder of the peripheral nerves characterized by gradually increasing sensory loss and weakness associated with loss of reflexes. It is also part of Guillian Barre syndrome (GBS). He has had it for 3 1/2 years now. He is in constant pain all the time. We don’t how much time he has left, the doctors don’t know either. I pray he lives for many more years. But my dad is one of the reasons I wants to get married. It is one of my dad’s dreams to be able to walk me down the aisle. So my dad wants to know I’ll be taken care of if anything happens to him. Well my boyfriend and I were watching a tv show Thursday night. On the show this couple were getting married. One partner was excited and other partner didn’t want to get married, he was doing it because it was what his partner wanted and (this was a same sex couple, that’s why I am using “partner”) his partner’s mother was really ill. Well this co worker of his, “told him that if he didn’t want to get married he should not have to.” Well when she said that my boyfriend lightly nudges me and was like “uh huh”. Well I got a little upset about it and didn’t say a word. He asked me what’s wrong? I told him I didn’t want to talk about because we can never agree on that certain subject. He is really great guy, he takes care of me and treats me with love and respect. Tells me I’m beautiful all the time ( even though I don’t always that I am, I’m sure us females think that from time to time) he told that night ” I love you so much, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me and you make me happy, happier than I can remember in my life.” I know he means it but I can’t understand why he doesn’t want to get married. Ive been hurt and emotional over this ( I don’t show it around him). I’m sorry this post is long.
jlynnJuly 25th, 2015 at 9:10 PM
My relationship is the same way …I can tell he loves me ..he says it and he shows it. It’s hard to understand why he doesn’t want to get married when we both love each other so much
PamJuly 31st, 2015 at 9:57 AM
It seems this dating for lnger thing with no mariedge is a fashion for men. I hv been with my bofriend for 8 yrs since varsity. I was never into mariege nor against it. However aslo never made a mistake of telling him i never wanted to get married. I was just cool. We had a frndly relationship and we were loved and admired by many ppl around us, couples
saying we inspire them. We never fought as he is very gentle. 3 Yrs later since we started dating, we were blessed with our daughter who is now 4. Still no maridge didnt bother me as i was 22 and him 23. I started worrying when my frnds relationships that developed after mine started leading to marriedge. Some of those frnds even hv kids from previous relationships. Ppl around us asking questions, when is our wedding, whats going on, y wait so long etc. This got me worried. He just keeps posponing to the next yr, the yr comes he complains abt money then postpone to nxt yr, the nxt yr is the same story. I got sick of his empty promises and accepted a proposal from another gentleman who has been watching me since i was a teenager, dreaming that one day i will be his wife. Dont get me wrong i was not cheating if u know that guy and gal kind of a frndship, where a guy usually wants more than a frndship but still settles for onky frndship. Thats the relatinship i had with this gentleman. While the lobola thngs r being arranged by families my bf talked me out of this new plan, begging that i give him another chance, apologised for making me feel ike he doesnt need me. Being a woman u know how much we want to hold on. This guy i hv been with him since tertiary, never was sexual active before committing to him and we hv a daughter together, thats not something i want to throw away. There i was back in his arms. Today im four months pregnant with our 2nd bby and guess what hes still the same. No lobola, no marridge. Just a sour relationship filled with empty promises. So i decided to focus on my work, kid and my pregnancy so i told him to keep the furthest distance from us and enjoy being free. He insists on coming to visit us andit drives me nuts bcz he comes unannounced. Im soo angry at him yet im soo calm. Currently hes got my silence treatment and i plan not to involve him in my pregnancy.
KatieAugust 16th, 2015 at 4:52 PM
I’m going through a similar experience. I’m
20 years old and have been with my 37 year old boyfriend for nearly two years now. I love him to pieces and he loves me too. However he never wants to get married or have kids. Not with me not with anyone. Before me he was with a woman for 8 years on/off. They ended because he refused to marry her. I’m going crazy as I want to stay with him as I love him a a lot but I’m also thinking should I cut my loses before holding out for more pain. Also he’s recently lost his job so this has caused him to become irritable and snappy and negative towards me. This upsets me a lot as he has said some hurtful things to me that make me question our relationship. PLEASE help anyone who has had experience of something similar to my issue. No one is able to help me, friends and family just say to me “it’s your decision” and they can’t tell me what to do.
jlynnAugust 19th, 2015 at 8:54 PM
I am in the same boat when it comes to my boyfriend not wanting to get married …however I have had the pleasure of having kids and I was married before but we didn’t get along too good. ..I am torn between leaving and staying because I love him ..if I was your age and the guy told me he was never having kids or getting married I would leave without question..also you say he’s negative towards you because he lost his job…do you really want to be with someone who is emotionally and verbally abusive when things don’t always go his way? If you really want a happy ending than this is not your guy..
JananneAugust 22nd, 2015 at 9:53 AM
Katie – in your circumstance I would say leave without question. You are so young and have so much to give to a future partner/husband and family. You will ONLY have pain if you stay with this guy…..being irritable/abusive AND not giving you what you want. If you think about it how will you EVER be happy? If you leave, it will be painful for a while but as we know that will pass and you will be free to find someone who treats you right, and who can give you a family. Cut your losses girl – you need to move on to be happy. Good luck x
amruAugust 30th, 2015 at 9:23 AM
I m wid a guy its 7 months till now he wants to get married BT he can’t leave his family too … Wat can we do
jlynnSeptember 7th, 2015 at 8:25 AM
What do you mean he can’t leave his family?
CrystalSeptember 5th, 2015 at 1:49 PM
My boyfriend and I have been together for 15 months and he finds it hard to propose because he works all over the world and every time I asked about it he says it’s in God’s hands what should I do I am thinking about breaking this relationship for good
jlynnSeptember 7th, 2015 at 8:22 AM
15 months is still early to be worrying about when the wedding is however if he seems to be acting like he never wants to get married and you want to its best to end the relationship before you are sitting on here like some of us who have been in a relationship for 10 years and wondering when and if you are ever going to get married ..
RitaSeptember 17th, 2015 at 8:21 AM
Good Morning! Where to begin? This subject has been eating at me for sometime…I am in a monogamous relationship and very much in love! He says I am THE one? Long story short, we both have been married before and with the WRONG people! He is still legally married to his second wife, who was abusive(verbally and physically)…his first wife was a HUGE mistake(only cared about the $$)…as far as our current situation, all he can give me is a PROMISE but I want more! We are both in our 50’s and have a GREAT relationship. We know who we are and what we WON’T settle for! Am I asking for too much to want MORE? He keeps saying that the courts will “rake him” IF he divorces. How do I separate myself EMOTIONALLY from this desire to gain security? DO I have to? IS this an insecurity?
jlynnSeptember 17th, 2015 at 8:22 PM
First of all why be with a man that doesn’t want to divorce his wife? Never mind that you can’t get married to him … if you want a divorce bad enough you don’t care what you lose believe me
CharleneSeptember 17th, 2015 at 6:19 PM
Ive been with my boyfriend for 5yrs. We don’t live together however I have a daughter from a previous marriage. He still lives at home with his parents. Im 30 and he is 28. He does not want to get married or have kids (fine with me) We go out alot though.. Bars baseball games concerts when we get a chance. We have friends that we always go out with and have a good time.. All his friends are either living together or married but he still is happy how he is. He assures me that he loves me and I think so too but I’m tired of going over his house like a teenager in his parents house. I want to build a home with him. I just don’t know what to do. Maybe I should move on. Any advice?
jlynnSeptember 18th, 2015 at 8:56 PM
If you can live with the fact that he doesn’t want to get married than that’s fine ..but if he at least ain’t going to take a step forward and live with you I wouldn’t waste another year or else you will never find the one that does want the same things as you …
BemSeptember 21st, 2015 at 5:59 AM
My boyfriend and i met in a dating site when i was in a tourist visa in another country. The first date was him coming into our house bringing his home-cooked filipino cuisine(he is an autralian btw) the second date followed by him inviting to tour me around the city. He was liked by my family in australia so every occasion he was invited and he was present. He was vocal on our very first dates that he want ti be married to me. Kids and housing stuffs were always on our coneversations. When i went home he became so sad but we continued talking but it came to a point where he became so cold and we were fighting all the time because he has lesser time for me. Changes were so identifiable so i then decided to have a break and he agreed. Thinking that it will be so hard for me, i was begging for him not to leave but he said we just always argue, we have lots of differences he cannot see me in his future.then i stopped. After 3 days without communication he messaged me last hour on my birthday and he confessed that he was sorry for him being cold and illogical of his actions. He said that i am a great person and he wants to be the best boyfriend for me and he said that we can make a good future. Without second thoughts i replied and accepted his apologies. He has been so good then. It’s like we were in the honeymoon phase again(on a long distance relationship though) now i am confused because when i asked him about marriage he told me that he loves me and he wants to be with me although he is not rushing into marriage because he wants to spend several years with his partner before finally settling down. He will visit me in my country in november. I took up ielts in the purpose of getting
BemSeptember 21st, 2015 at 6:00 AM
Student visa he said that if i won’t pass we will make a way.
BemSeptember 21st, 2015 at 6:03 AM
We are now on our fourth month. I am confused if i still will continue our relationship or give up.
ShellySeptember 24th, 2015 at 1:41 PM
I have been through a failed marriage. My SO has too. We are both in our 50’s. He has always been fairly upfront about how he feels about marriage. He says he will never get married. He says its “just a piece of paper”. He says he has seen too many people in dysfunctional marriages. He says he doesn’t want to ruin what we have. I want marriage. Well, let me rephrase that. I wanted marriage. After much soul searching over the last several years I have come to realize several things. I am over-the-top happy with my life as it is. Would a marriage make me happier? I don’t know. Some days I’m saddened that it will never happen but most days it doesn’t even cross my mind anymore. I have a wonderful man who loves me unconditionally. He is honest, fair, trustworthy, hard working and committed. The chemistry we have together is like no other. We get along very well. I have many friends and acquaintances that are married and miserable every single day. They are having affairs left and right. I wouldn’t trade my life for that life for anything. What we have is unique and he loves me with his whole heart. I know he does by his actions and his words. Marriage is not the end all..especially if you don’t plan on having children. Just because he doesn’t want marriage is no longer a deal breaker for me. I truly appreciate and value us as committed partners and lovers for the rest of our lives. I know he does too. We don’t need a piece of paper for that. For those of you that won’t budge on the marriage issue, do some soul searching yourself before you lose something amazing or get out before you waster more time. Life is to short to not be happy.
RitaSeptember 28th, 2015 at 7:39 AM
Hi Shelly! I enjoyed reading what you have to say about your relationship…sounds like you have the perfect person for you! CONGRATULATIONS!! I also wanted to say THANKS for sharing how you feel. Like you, this is not my first rodeo or my second! It is however, the FIRST relationship that feels 100% RIGHT! It may be a little “late ER” but FINALLY I found a man who understands me and wants the best for me LIKE I want for him!! WE CLICK!!! There is nothing we can’t talk about or a situation we can’t fix…in the beginning I thought “too good to be true” but have since stopped to realize that Ken is for real and is not going anywhere AND we weren’t ready for each other UNTIL we met(match.com)which was a year and a half ago! So, what I am saying is maybe just maybe, you have a point! My life is FULL of love, trust, compassion and loyalty which is coming from BOTH sides so, why can’t I be thankful for FINALLY finding a person who is NOT abusive, a liar, cheater or scum? Maybe it’s MY insecurities that it is easier for them to leave if there isn’t a ring on your finger…who knows?
ShellySeptember 28th, 2015 at 3:08 PM
Hi Rita! Thanks for sharing YOUR story! Congratulations to you too for finding true love. Happiness is all that really matters right? In the end I will know that we stayed together because we truly loved each other, not because of a piece of paper, or for financial reasons. My SO did give me a beautiful ring to show his commitment to me and our relationship. Honestly, maybe it sounds material, but it helped. I guess it’s just the symbol on my finger as a reminder that he’s “mine” and his commitment to US. We’ve been together for 4 years and I can’t imagine my life without him. I have never been happier. All the best to you and yours! Don’t let a piece of paper ruin something so many people are searching for. I do believe it’s rare what I’ve found and it sounds like you found something rare too. I sometimes think that we go through things for a reason, the battles, blood, sweat and tears have made me ready for the person I am so happy to be today! Simply content. The hardest thing I struggle with is how to introduce him. He gets different “titles” depending on the circumstances. 😂
jlynnSeptember 30th, 2015 at 9:10 PM
I have the relationship like you both …its perfect other then the fact he won’t marry me …the problem I have isn’t exactly that he won’t marry me it’s that he won’t tell me why he won’t …he says he doesn’t know … I just don’t think I can ever settle for this if I don’t know why I’m settling ..if something happens to him I have no say medically or anything …whether I stay with him or not I am considering buying a house because he owned the house before we met and I’m sure his son will probably throw me out …
ConfusedOctober 1st, 2015 at 5:34 PM
Hi JLynn.. Wow I can’t believe how similar our stories are. I feel the same exact way. My “boyfriend” and I don’t live together yet, but I’m reluctant because I know his son would throw me out too if something happened to him. I brought it Up and he said “oh I don’t think he’d do that”! Oh yeah rite!! Well I’m not going there.. I will stay where I am and that’s that! I am getting sick of it really.
jlynnOctober 3rd, 2015 at 5:51 PM
Yea when I mentioned it to my boyfriend he said the same thing ..it’s agrravating when you are afraid to make a house your home and buy things and decorate because you never know what’s going to happen …but honestly if he told me he would marry me and leave everything to his son I would probably still marry him but I would start saving to buy another home that I could rent out than move in it if something happens…I just don’t know how long I could hold on to this relationship if he doesn’t love me enough to marry me ….
lanaSeptember 29th, 2015 at 7:32 AM
i was with my boy friend for 1 year and a half and we were sooo in love but when i poped out the question of marriage he told me that he doesnt want to get maried in his life…Never…I tried to discuss the subject with him many times and he was like we stay together as BF GF or we break up dt ever think about marriage,i tried to know why but every time he yelled at me so we fought a lot and then he left me…
labhdiOctober 14th, 2015 at 8:48 PM
he didnt deserved you girl :)
they are just to satisfy their thurst of been with someone.
JananneSeptember 30th, 2015 at 5:14 AM
Shelly, I too have come to arrive at the same decision as yourself…whereas the marriage issue was once a deal-breaker, the loss was too much and once I felt assured that the issue was not about me, but rather the marriage itself (both of us twice married, he lost a lot financially in both, and feels that every time he finds happiness it goes wrong and doesn’t want things to go wrong with me!). So, like yourself, I have the odd day of feeling saddened, the relationship with him is always so lovely and committed, and we plan to buy a house together next year., so that I feel so happy/content and certain of his love. I am lucky to have found such a kind, caring , generous and good natured man. I still mention marriage, he knows I would ultimately like that, but why would I throw what I have away. I think its different if there are problems in your relationship, and non-communication, or if you want children. Its kind of easier perhaps if you are older and have already been down the marriage route as we know it doesn’t always end happily ever after. To people like myself who are otherwise happy I would say stick with what you have, cherish your second or third chance, and be prepared to let go of ideals sometimes for the gift of a loving partner. To younger women, perhaps wanting children, or without having the sort of happy relationship you deserve, your man is extremely unlikely to change, and in that case – as a general rule – the only way you will have a chance of finding happiness will be to move on. Or accept it. Never wait for a man to change his mind. Its not likely. Wishing everyone luck, and happiness x
Seriously hurtOctober 9th, 2015 at 10:13 AM
Some background on our relationship. We have been together for 4 1/2 years. We bought a house together 3 years ago. (but because we aren’t married I opted not to be on the paperwork. It makes it easier if we didn’t stay together) we went on a vacation to visit my mom a year ago and all he talked about was wanting to get married and couldn’t wait for me to be his wife and looking at rings and so on. A year later and still no engagement. He doesn’t mind talking about “trying to get me pregnant” but marriage is not even spoken about. We have both been married before so there wasn’t a rush before all of the talk about it. I just don’t like it being dangled in my face and then nothing. Besides I would rather be married before having a kid. Also if something were to happen to either of us the other would be screwed financially. I tried explaining to him that at least if we are married if something were to happen the other would get social security for their spouse in the event of a death. It is hard not to think like that. If he were to die I have nothing. His life insurance goes to his mother. (his choice) I have never been the pushy person to get married, but I am 35 and having kids before marriage isn’t something I want. We don’t have all the time in the world. Cause fertility decreases in women trying to get pregnant after 35 and I already have issues in that department. I just don’t know if I have the right to be upset. I don’t want to lose him but when is enough going to be enough? I don’t want to have just a “boyfriend” anymore. At 35 you feel rather childish saying you have a boyfriend. I just don’t know what the problem is with men. They can play house, say they want to get married, and never actually do it. And us women are ridiculous if we demand more? Ugh it is just frustrating.
ShellyOctober 10th, 2015 at 10:36 PM
Hi Seriously Hurt-
I can’t say blame you. In my situation I’ve already had my children and won’t be having anymore. If I was in your situation I would want to be married before having babies. By any chance do you live in a common law state? Does your BF say he does not want to get married anymore?
HannahOctober 30th, 2015 at 7:17 AM
don’t do it! Ihad two children with my boyfriend and he still isn’t ready to commit to marriage. I too am sick of calling him my boyfriend and I would like to have the same name as my kids. Tell him you don’t want to have a baby before your married and that time is running out so he better propose
labhdiOctober 14th, 2015 at 8:45 PM
yes guyz I have been also goin in same situation .
a guy loves me but is afraid to say now becoz he said that he can be in a live in relationship with me but wont ever marry me.becoz me dont want to see me as his wife. its really painful.
and now I have planned to be in live in relation with him and ditch him .i think thats the way guys wil know our importance.
solanaDecember 7th, 2015 at 8:08 AM
Im 23 and iv been with my b.f for 7 years naw,he is 24.he say he love me and that he want to have kids with me,he show me he love me,he say that he will never let our relationship fll apart,but it hurt me wn he say that he never want to get married.evn if he love some1 with all his hart he will nevr gt married.i dont knw wth to do anymre.i fil sad evrydy.we dont hv kids yet.but we r trying,but nw I fil like wht ar my doing,he wil nevr marry m nd I dont wna hv kids wt a guy who wnt marry m.i left him 1 day but he came look fr me.he say he dont wnt 2 live wt out me.he evn cry fr me.but stll he dont wnt to gt married.i lve him so mch.bt I fil like I deserve bttr.wht shuld I do.plz hlp
JlynnDecember 7th, 2015 at 9:09 AM
I would never have a baby by a man that doesn’t want to marry me…
FeddyupDecember 12th, 2015 at 3:44 AM
I am in a relatonship and have been for 3 years, he told me from the start he never wanted to marry again as did I. Our relationship is great, we get on well, stay at each others houses etc he says he’s committed to me but I have changed, I want to marry him and be proud to be his wife, I wanted him to be proud to have me as a wife to me it is the ultimate committment and show of love. I’m not afraid of marriage and look to the future not the past but I wonder now if we have a future as we both want different things. I tried to end it last week but just couldn’t pluck up the courage to do it. I’m 47 and the thought of starting another relationship in the hope of being settled scares the life out of me. He’s told me he’ll buy me an eternity ring to show he wants to be with me and I am the only person in his life but frankly it’s not enough, I feel so sad, and hurt that he doesn’t want the same thing , I thought he might have changed his mind and share the same hopes and dreams I have, I’m not sure I can truly be happy with someone who doesn’t want me completley. I know I’ll miss him terribly, we’ve been through a lot togther which I thought would have made us stronger as a couple, in fact it’s made no difference. Neither of us has cheated, we don’t have children together but I feel so unhappy it is changing the way I feel about our relatonship. Can I be happy with someone who never wants to me marry me…..the truth is I don’t know.
JlynnDecember 14th, 2015 at 9:42 AM
I have the same problem ..he told me from the beginning he didn’t want to live with anyone or ever get married …than one day he asked me to live with him so I moved in with him (we were together for 3 years when he asked me to move in with him)..talk about getting my hopes on that if he would change his mind about living together than surely we would end up getting married…so a year and a half later after living together I decided to bring up the subject again ..I asked him if he was sure he would never get married again and he said “not now but maybe later” so than I really got my hopes up ..now he claims he don’t remember saying that…it’s very frustrating …
JlynnDecember 14th, 2015 at 9:43 AM
I would like to add that we have been together almost 8 years
ConfusedDecember 15th, 2015 at 11:56 PM
Wow.. Your story sounds exactly like mine! Same amount of time together too. I agree, it’s very hurtful and to me it’s s form of rejection. Why am I not good enough? We love each other and have a wonderful relationship. I also don’t want to start over looking for someone or even Being alone. There is so much more to it than these guys can even start to imagine. Security, retirement, combining homes. I’m not giving up my home to have no security in his. So I guess we will remain boyfriend and girlfriend.. It’s stupid!
JlynnDecember 18th, 2015 at 7:31 AM
I have lived with him over 4 years but I am seriously considering buying a house for myself. I don’t want to spend most of my life with somebody just to have something happen to him and having everything that both of us worked on together being tossed out the window
JananneDecember 13th, 2015 at 8:11 AM
I have posted a few times before but as your situation was so similar to my own, and being the same age, i thought I would respond. the sentiments you expressed echoed mine exactly too. Our relationship will reach its 4 year mark in March. Like you, i want to be his wife, and have him proud to call me his wife. It was a deal breaker for me, so earlier this year, around the three year mark we broke up over it because he just did not want to get married (again). He didn’t want us to split up, he just didn’t want to marry. He explained that when he had married before, it had gone wrong for him, and he didn’t want to lose me. even though he almost lost me by not marrying!!!! However the reality for me was that however much I wanted to marry him, at 47 wanting security and to feel settled, I didn’t want to lose him either. After lots of heartache, tears etc etc I just wanted to be with him. I still want to marry him. I remind him from time to time, I get my hopes up, and then realise that he doesn’t want to change his mind, and we continue to make plans to buy a house together, and he continues to be the man who makes me happy, who shows he loves me in hundreds of ways, who takes care of me, and who I know will be my forever partner – because he tells me this. Its a bit of a stale mate….some days it matters more than other days……sometimes I think I don’t want to marry him. I didn’t think I could ever be happy, and think it would always be an issue. Sometimes it is, but mostly it has become less of an issue. In the past Ii did feel extremely hurt – how could he not want to marry me? As I have grown more aware of his love, and certain of his commitment to me in all other ways, it has become less of an issue. I still want to get married, I still harbour that hope, I will still hint from time to time, but I have a great relationship and overall I am happy. I thought marriage was everything, now I have come to accept its not. Life is precious, as we get older the more chance that illness will strike, and I think its important to value what I do have, because the alternative is far worse. I am not in a bad situation – its just not quite what I thought I wanted.
With your situation, he has been honest with you from the start, but you thought he would change his mind. He clearly loves you and is happy to commit to you in all other ways, and perhaps like me, it hurt quite a bit when you realised that no matter how good your relationship is, it hasn’t been enough to change his mind. Then be honest and ask if its your ego that is bruised, and is it really that big a deal. We know there are other fish in the sea, but thye are not alwsy that easy to find or catch. If you want to marry him its becasue he is the perfect partner for you. So for me the question was, if I found the perfect partner why would I let him go becasue it wasn’t in the right packaging. If I could walk away, I couldn’t really have wanted to marry him for the right reasons perhaps?????
Believe me, I have been through all this turmoil and when hormones are playing up, that turmoil rasies its head but we have many lovely times together and the future looks very promising and if I accept things as they are, I will have a partner who loves me and cares for me, and who I am happy to be with. Its all to do with perception you see x
JlynnDecember 14th, 2015 at 9:49 AM
Great advice ..when I am feeling like crap over wanting to get married maybe I should get on here and read this post
Claire P.December 27th, 2015 at 6:16 PM
I have been with my partner for 5 years, we were due to get married in 2014. 8 weeks before the date he changed his mind and i was left to deal with telling everyone. A few months later we discussed it and he told me he was going to ask me again. Over a year has passed in which time we have had a baby, and he still hasnt asked. Tonight i tried to talk to him about it and all he could say was i dont know. Im heartbroken and gutted that i dont have the same name as my daughter. I was never interested in marriage before i met him but now, and especially since becoming a Mum, its really important to me. I just dont know what to do. We have argued and i am still none the wiser as to why he called it off in the first place, why he told me he was going to propose again and why he hasnt. I just want the security, the commitment. I dont even want a ring! Just for him to tell me that he loves me and is commited to me. I cried my heart out and he ignored me. I’ve shown him all the love i can, i have been there for him and would do anything for him. My head is battered with going over and over the reasons. He wont tell me and i cant make peace with it until i understand it. Can anyone offer any advice? x
SunnyDecember 29th, 2015 at 1:21 AM
I am sorry to hear about your situation and can tell it must be very painful. Many years ago, I was in a similar situation – minus a child – and I remember it well.
Please do not compromise on what YOU want!
It is completely okay to want marriage, a family, the ring and the wedding.
For whatever reason, HE does not. So stop waiting and stop negotiating in your head for less and less.
This is a terrible example for your child who will end up angry and confused about relationships.
You are both parents. Figure out how THAT is going to work financially, emotionally and spiritually.
Because if having a child isn’t the catalyst, there isn’t going to be one.
These probably feel like harsh words. And I understand that.
Stop deconstructing this relationship and start building a good life for yourself and your child.
Even if that man made the romantic gesture, it’s too late IMHO. He’s unable to be consistent and this will plague you for years.
Commit to want YOU want out of relationships. And go off an be a good mother!
TheTruthDecember 28th, 2015 at 12:54 PM
Well it certainly does take two to tangle. Even for us good men still looking.
JlynnDecember 29th, 2015 at 9:44 AM
This weekend a day after christmas was almost the worst day of my life …after pushing my boyfriend for marriage the past 5 years he had a breaking point ..he told me that from me pushinf him to get him to marry me and me being nasty sometimes about it he has started losing feelings for me ..he even told me he had boxes out in the garage for me to pack my stuff in… I asked him to give it 2 months and see if our relationship can be repaired..he agreed to that ..I hope I didnt destroy his love for me and I now now even though I will always be hurt over not being able to ever marry him that hurt wont even compare to what it would hurt to lose him…it has been 2 days and all I want to ask him is if he still loves me because I just cant stay if he doesnt ..I am going to ask him in about a month …so just think is marriage more important than losing the man you love? I now know its not and I can only pray its not too late to repair the damage I have done to our relationship and pray that he still loves me
December 29th, 2015 at
Thank you for sharing. We are sorry to hear of your difficult situation. Please know that it may help to reach out to a therapist or counselor. The GoodTherapy.org Team is not qualified to offer professional advice, but if you would like to talk to someone, you can use our website to search for a practitioner in your area.
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The GoodTherapy.org Team
JlynnDecember 30th, 2015 at 9:54 AM
JananneDecember 30th, 2015 at 12:24 AM
Jlynn – I went through a similar experience earlier this year (you may remember me posting about it). I felt the marriage issue was a deal breaker and when he wouldn’t agree to marry me I felt I had to leave. But the reality of losing him proved to be far worse. I had a great relationship with a !overly man, and almost lost him. I went back because I loved him and knew we will have a good future together. OK it hurt that he didn’t run after me. And I still want to get married ! But there are other things I want in life that I can’t have either and sometimes we just have to accept a situation, and be happy with what we have when its a good thing. Life is too short to waste, and good men and good relationships are hard to come by. Enjoy your relationship for what it is -its the only way to be happy. Build your relationship back to what it was without that marriage issue. Because if you love him enough to want to marry him, you can prove and show it by being with him without getting married. You don’t need to sacrifice any thing -just know what and why you are doing it. And good luck x
JlynnDecember 31st, 2015 at 7:46 AM
Thank you….right now we are getting along pretty good….the only thing that is bothering me is when he said he doesnt feel the same …he was mad when he said it and I want to ask him so bad if he meant it and ask him if he still loves me …however I think I should wait a month to see how we are getting along…I think its to soon …it is eating me up though
JlynnJanuary 1st, 2016 at 2:58 PM
So last night we were getting along really good so I decided to ask him if he loves me …he said “its to soon to tell you right now we are suppose to giving it a month or 2” …..I am definitely feeling frustated right now….
ConfusedJanuary 2nd, 2016 at 6:47 AM
That really hurts.. Too soon to tell? I don’t like it. I asked my boyfriend a few months ago about a commitment ring since he doesn’t want to get marrieddddd… His reply to me was “I think we need to work on our relationship before we can think of something like that”! Wow really.. All because he was wrong in the situation he’s referring to. He’s a great guy but has left me out and doesn’t communicate when he’s with his family. This is his mom, dad, sister & her husband. He ignores me when they are there.. Whole other issue.. Ugh! He’s always sorry and promises not to do it again. Whatever. Anyway, it was after an incident of that when we were smoothing things over that I asked him and that was his stupid reply!! I thought for sure for Christmas or my birthday which is 4 days before Christmas… Nope. There was a little box at the bottom of the gift bag.. I was slightly excited.. Opened it up and there a little jewelry box.. I see the sticker .. Made in China and pray it’s not a commitment ring now. It wasn’t, it was a bracelet. Nice but I don’t think it’s real.. Whatever. I don’t know what to think anymore. One good thing is I just got a nice raise at work so I can afford to keep going by myself. I’m NOT selling my house and moving in with him and have no security.
JlynnJanuary 3rd, 2016 at 8:10 PM
I have a good job so I know I can make it on my own…I don’t want our relationship to end and I know it will really hurt more than what I am hurting now because he won’t tell me if he loves me for 1-2 months to see how we are getting along…however if he can’t tell me he loves me I have to move on ..I know time will heal the hurt of a failed relationship but it will never heal the hurt of living with someone for the rest of your life that doesn’t love you….that is endless torture and something I can’t do
JlynnJanuary 5th, 2016 at 8:39 PM
So yesterday I came out and said “I know you don’t want to tell me you love me because you are trying to get me to quit asking you to marry me but I have to know right now do you love me or not” he said “yes I love you but I can’t stay in a relationship with you if you can’t stop bringing up the marriage issue” I told him I can’t stop my feelings on this issue but I will not bring them up to him …I also told him not to ever say he doesn’t love me again or I will leave …
MQDecember 30th, 2015 at 2:29 PM
It’s sad to see, we are all in the same boat.Long term relationships 3,5,7,10 years and nothing close to a proposal..a few empty promises, sometimes even hint that they would be interested only to take it back.I have heard all the excuses of why he is not ready, and I don’t need anymore excuses.Although I love him, and he is special, I’m not happy like this.It’s something I think about daily, that haunts me daily feeling that I am not enough.For that reason alone, I think it’s enough to move on.Tired of excuses, tired of no hope of a commitment, tired of feeling this way.Why do I have to be the one to make a compromise for his comfort.
annaJanuary 1st, 2016 at 12:35 PM
Im in the opposite situation. My boyfriend of 2 years wants to propose, but Im not sure I want to marry him. We broke up for a few months and got back together, and everything seemed better. But now I am unsure again, and afraid that he has already bought a ring. I really care about him, but Im still not sure if he is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. He is just so certain he wants to be with me, and the thought really scares me. He is divorced, so has some experience with things not working out. I also understand he is almost 40, so wants to start a family and time is running short. Thats not a reason to get married, just feel selfish for doing this again after getting back together and now being unsure again. I feel like you should be sure, but again things are not like the movies – and even the couples that were passionately in love dont necessarily work out in the end.
CJJanuary 10th, 2016 at 1:50 PM
It’s very comforting to read the comments of others on this topic. It’s easy to feel like you are alone and the only who has felt this way.
I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 5 years, we have owned our home together for nearly 3. We both are professional people with good incomes and steady jobs. He loves me and takes care of me, he is a very good man and I love him dearly. The last couple of years the idea of marriage has come up more and more… From me. I love the idea of being married and always have, I want a pretty ring and to commit to someone for the rest of my life and I feel like I’ve found that perfect man. But alas, here I am writing my first ever comment on a website I just found today…
We have discussed the idea of getting married, tried on hundreds of rings… Even had some fun doing it! But when it comes down to us really thinking or planning something else more important comes up – we buy a new car, go on an expensive trip, buy extra shares in his company. Whatever. All good stuff, but all stuff that I think could wait. I’m starting to lose patients, we have had several arguments about me wanting to get married and him simply not believing in marriage, in fact he thinks it will ruin our good relationship. I have compromised wholly on a wedding, agreeing eloping would be the best for our relationship, even agreeing that I don’t need a proposal that we would do it all in one day! This is a big step for me. I am definitely that girl with 100+ pins on Pinterest about the perfect surprise engagement and all the cool Facebook posts to follow. I agreed I would put all that aside just to be with him. He mentioned maybe September would be a good time to elope so naturally I began looking at venues and dresses! Making the mistake of showing him. Yesterday I had to ask, were you for real about eloping in September? It took me likely ten minutes to get that question out because I always feel so embarrassed talking about it. He accused me of becoming obsessed with the idea or marriage that it’s weird how I already had a Pinterest board going with dresses etc. He kept calling me obsessed and putting me down , I feel so embarrassed and ashamed. He’s never made me feel hurt before. So belittled. We haven’t spoken in a day and a half. Major record for us. It hurts so much. I don’t know what to do. I love him but I want to be married. I don’t care if he doesn’t. Why does that trump me wanting it? He will give me anything to make me happy. Except this. I can’t help but think it’s me? Maybe he really is just waiting for someone else to come along. I can’t imagine that to be true. But maybe? Why else wouldn’t he just do it. Why has be humoured me for so many months looking at rings and even my Pinterest boards? Only to act like I’m psychopath when I ask him if he’s for real. I’ve been clear marriage is what I want but I don’t know how to get through to him. How much longer do I wait?
Well. That’s all for now. Thanks for reading my rant, I actually feel a lot better.
I wish all of you the best and hope you find someone worthy of your life.
CJJanuary 10th, 2016 at 1:56 PM
Hi. I just commented. Will you please not publish it?? I just needed to vent and now I really don’t want my comment published. Please. Thank you.
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