Married to Someone with Sex Addiction: Is Divorce the Only Option?January 10, 2011 • Contributed by Janie Lacy, LMHC, NCC, CSAS, Sex Addiction Topic Expert Contributor
Has my entire marriage been a lie? Am I to blame? Is there any hope for my marriage? Is divorce my best option? These are just a few of the questions that will run through your mind after discovering a partner’s sexual betrayal and sex addiction. You will experience a roller coaster of emotions.
You want to, first, encourage the betraying-spouse to take care of himself or herself while you seek support. Next, don’t make any permanent or rash decisions while the feelings are raw and fresh. Finally, realize that divorce does not have to be the answer, if both individuals in are willing to follow an intentional path toward healing the relationship.
Let’s take a look at these intentional, choices that can make healing a reality, in a relationship overwhelmed by sexual addiction.
- Both partners are willing to do their own work: Though there may come a time down the road for each individual to go to counseling together, it is very important for each person to be committed to a plan that will help them individually. The betraying partner may not be in a place to consider working on the marriage. Rather than forcing that the issue, work your own plan to deal with the grieving, the pain, the anger, and the actual betrayal. Focus on who you are, first, before concerning yourself with your role in the relationship, and how it has/will change. At the same time, the partner that has done the betraying needs to have a very clear and specific plan for himself or herself, individually. If this step does not take place, it will prove to be very challenging. Each partner needs to be committed to their individual healing.
- Steps to stop the sexual addictive behaviors: Once a betrayed-spouse knows about the sexually addictive choices and behaviors his/her partner has engaged in, it becomes increasingly difficult to stay engaged in the relationship. Major steps to end the behavior(s) need to be taken. This does not make him/her the dictator, but it is fair for the betrayed-spouse to set boundaries which state that, in order to stay together, the addictive behavior(s) must stop. This can look different for each couple, from having check-in meetings, to creating an actual written agreement. Again, this goes back to the betraying-partner’s willingness to face their sexual addiction, take accountability, get counseling, and engage in an openness of sharing that will foster and rebuild trust. This will have a dual benefit to the relationship. The hurt partner will see an effort in their spouse to take care of him or herself and also begin to honor the relationship. The partner facing the battle with sexual addiction will finally get some freedom from the shame they have been living with, and begin to find a new approach to life.
- Be willing to give each other space and respect each other’s healing process and timeline: Too often, when the betraying-spouse unloads on their partner, they feel a sense of relief; A weight has been lifted from living in lies. At the same time, their partner is realizing a terrible truth about the marriage in a way he/she never dreamed would happen. Now is NOT the time to press an agenda, other than agreeing to each take steps toward healing, and respecting that each person will progress at their own pace. By working on an individual path, each partner will be focusing their energy on him/herself, while, at the same time, honoring the work the other is doing. Each partner will have time to adjust to the changes that are now taking place in his/her own life.
Where divorce does not have to be discussed at this point, it will, more than likely, cross each partners’ mind. Before this decision is made, or things are said that will be difficult to overcome, take some time to work through each of these steps. Again, if there is going to be hope, and eventually healing, each partner will have to be committed to first focusing on themselves and then, when each is at a safe place and most likely with the guidance of a therapist, they can begin to take steps to restore their relationship.
© Copyright 2011 by Janie Lacy, LMHC, NCC, CSAT, therapist in Maitland, Florida. All Rights Reserved.
Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. The view and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.
lenaJanuary 10th, 2011 at 9:30 PM
I wouldn’t care if my partner wanted to work on the marriage or not. Once a cheater, always a cheater. I’d want out completely and not give him the chance to cheat on me twice!
AngelaJune 17th, 2012 at 10:53 AM
If you are talking about a sex addict then probably the cheating is not once, but more than hundreds.
Dan C.January 10th, 2011 at 10:07 PM
An affair is extremely hard to forgive but not impossible to. I’ve been married forty seven years and my wife cheated on me right before our fifth anniversary with an old boyfriend. Do I think about it? Yes, I’d be lying to say it never crosses my mind. And I’d also be lying to say it was all her fault because it wasn’t. I’d be neglectful of her and eventually drove her into his arms that weekend by being a bigger ass than usual. We got through it because we wanted to. Never say never.
fionaJanuary 10th, 2011 at 10:50 PM
My husband begged me to forgive him when he had a stupid short-lived affair I discovered that led to him confessing to several more. I told him if he cared that much, he would have suggested counseling when he first felt tempted instead of acting on it repeatedly. Our marriage was far from perfect and we both knew it. I’d asked him to go before and he refused, so he knew I would have. Why flog a dead horse? We broke up and that was that. What gets to me most is we had a very active sex life. It was the one thing we could say worked in our marriage. He didn’t need to go looking outwith for sexual gratification.
RichardJanuary 11th, 2011 at 3:58 AM
@fiona: Are you sure the affair was not an emotional one too? Not to offend you but sometimes even when the sex life between a couple is fine there is not much emotional connect between the two and one of the partners may try to find this connection elsewhere…?
dv8January 11th, 2011 at 6:03 AM
I have lived this but my husband was addicted to porn. Talk about hard to get past. It might have been easier had it been an affair with an actual woman who I would have been able to recognize what my competition was, but who would ever feel like they could compete with or be what these porn girls are online? I never felt like I would be good enough or pretty enough or whatever for him anymore after I found out. It has been a difficult raod to recovery for him and for me too. I am not sure that our marriage will ever be the same but we have been trying for about two years now and I have to say that it is getting a little better. But will I ever feel the same about him? I don’t think so.
D FletcherJanuary 11th, 2011 at 2:20 PM
I heard of the term sex addict for the first time very recently and I’m not too clear about what it means. After readin this blog post I have a question-can a person be termed a sex addict even if he does NOT look for sex outside marriage? Is that possible?!
MichelleJune 24th, 2013 at 10:33 AM
There are different variables and stages in sex addiction. A person can be a sex addict without having been unfaithful. The common denominators would be Porn, neediness in terms of sex, and of course continuing the behavior despite it’s negative effect on their lives.
The human spirit is stronger than anything that happens to itMarch 22nd, 2015 at 8:11 PM
Michelle and all others, you are spot on! You have really helped me. A good point is that these people continue their behavior and don’t seem to think about how it will effect the other person or ruin their relationship or their marriage. It is truly one sided.
I dated a man much, much older than me. He had cheated on his wife but mentioned that she did not treat him or his children lovingly. Many years later after divorce, I met him and began dating. I thought if I could only treat him as sweet and nice as possible, talking in a calm and loving demeanor, then he would love me forever!
I was wrong. We have to look for the signs ladies and recognize our self worth. I am not one to leave and truly want to always work through things but we must be reasonable.
After his marriage broke up, he became a swinger for 7 years! Yikes! Once we began our relationship, everything was fine and I even began to love his two children from his previous marriage. He had told me he wanted to settle down and was ready to give up that lifestyle. I thought to myself, maybe I am the one that would change him and show him family again and he would truly be happy!
A few months into our relationship, he invited me with such excitement to join in with him on a fetish website just to view others profiles and that he was so I interested in the psychology behind sex. I politely declined at the time.
I stated (trying not to put him down) that I would love it if he could bring some of those ideas to our relationship and that I didn’t mind him reading online.
About a year later he tells me he is not in love with me and that he doesn’t feel that “fire” of passion with me. He mentioned he felt that way from early on.
Then a few months later I found he was on that same website actually looking at profiles and messaged 3 young women (all around 18-20) in the same night saying “I want to get to know you. I really think sex is connecting with what’s in your mind and I need someone who is going to explore that with me.”
At the end of it all, he admitted to me that because I wasn’t as up front sexual like him, that he felt I didn’t want him in that way.
I told him, of course I want you. I loved him and his kids and it was hard to go. He broke up with me saying he couldn’t do it, and then of course mentioned other things as well.. Then had the balls to say if only we had that sexual connection we would be perfect for each other
Not so much
Janie LacyJanuary 11th, 2011 at 8:23 PM
Hi D Fletcher: A person can be a sex addict even though they have not physically acted outside of their marriage. For example, they can be addicted to compulsive masturbation and pornography. A great question!
RexJanuary 11th, 2011 at 9:17 PM
@fiona – You didn’t need him to go with you for counseling or therapy. You could have went by yourself and talked about your own feelings about the marriage with a therapist. Don’t let going alone hold you back from getting help with relationship problems.
JessicaJanuary 11th, 2011 at 9:41 PM
That’s what I did, went to therapy on my own. I’d recommend it. I didn’t even ask him my bf if he wanted to go and went for months in secret when he was at work. The sessions didn’t save my relationship so there’s no happy ending in that respect. However it helped me immensely. I was able to make a clear headed decision based on what I learned about myself and my role in its breakdown.
dougJanuary 11th, 2011 at 10:56 PM
“This can look different for each couple from having a signed contract, to check-in meetings, to an actual written out document.” Seriously? You must be joking. If you need them to sign a contract and they can’t just accept that when their partner gives them their word they mean it, the couple might as well split up there and then. What would be the point of it anyway if they broke the contract? Does it make it any less hurtful that they won’t control their sexual addiction because it was in writing and not a verbal agreement? With all due respect, that’s ludicrous. The only use that would be is in the divorce courts for proving their sexual addiction. That could be the real reason behind writing it down. How the heck can you say the partner facing the battle with sexual addiction will finally be getting some freedom from the shame? A piece of paper does that? Please.
sophieJanuary 11th, 2011 at 11:18 PM
I would kick him out, no question about it. Adultery is inexcusable. Call yourself a sex addict if you want but to me you’d just be another guy wanting to get laid as much as possible. I think sex addict was a phrase coined by men to be used as a feeble excuse when they got bored with playing happy families.
OwenJanuary 12th, 2011 at 12:11 PM
Women cheat and can be sex addicts too you know! I was with a woman once who couldn’t go out for a night out without hooking up with some bozo. I loved her so much I was blinded to it. My best friend tried to tell me but I wouldn’t listen. I thought they were jealous. She was like a drug to me, and other men were like a drug to her. She needed the ego boost of being found attractive by somebody new. She moved away and we broke up. I know now I was her safety net until something better came along and when it did, off she went. In small towns, people see and don’t talk much until they are ready to. When she left town, I found out all about her after that from guys who knew she was my ex that she’d been with. Nothing could have saved that relationship.
DanielJanuary 17th, 2011 at 6:45 AM
Sex addiction is a coping mechanism, and it is simply that. It doesn’t mean that the person you are seeing is the person that you married. In fact, it has nothing to do with that individual’s character. Anything can be a trigger. I’ve seen in women it is throwing a fit and being angry. For some guys it is alcoholism, others violence. Everyone has a weakness, comfort food, depression, it is the achilles tendon of human nature. There are some things in life we can not handle, or things we do subconciously. The addiction hurts spouses because they are in the proximity of the addict’s actions. But can you imagine what the addict is going through? Some of us don’t know where we are going when we die and some of our traumatic experiences have caused such existential damage that nothing but intense psychotherapy will work. Of course a sex addict is never going to tell you when they have a problem, it is an addiction, most are in denial until a crisis puts things in perspective. I will tell you that most of you have left the addict, have left someone who doesn’t know the consequences of their action. You have left someone with a loaded gun but blind folded. I’m not saying no one has the right to be angry or saddened, betrayed or upset. But that is the truth. Some of you don’t know what addictions are like, some do. It is your actions afterward that determine the course of the relationship. You can let that person run themselves into the ground, contract AIDS, spend their money on prostitutes, or continue blindly hurting people. Or you can realize that God loves us all, and make a difference in this world, and quite possibly save someone else from the hurt and betrayal that you felt. I hope anyone who is going through the addiction, or anyone has been hurt by someone with one, can heal. It is possible.
KatieOctober 28th, 2012 at 3:05 AM
Interesting comments. I’ve been married for 31 years to a sex addict. I understand the problems alright. Lack of maturity, self centered, inflated ego, total lack of empathy, manipulative, lying, deceptive.. The list goes on. I have been more than patient and understanding. He has not. Nothing is beneath an addict to satsfy his addiction. Forget the sympathy; try living in the spouse / partners life and you see how it feels!
LorrieMay 30th, 2011 at 10:36 PM
I am very frustrated at the comments from people who do not understand , nor care to understand exactly what sex addcition is. No it is not a term men use to get “laid” as much as they want. Actually a lot of the time it has nothing to do with cheating etc. it is an addiction just like drugs or alcohol. There are many levels, it can involve porn, masturbation, objectifying others just to same a few. Please do not make assumptions. I never dreamed I would ever need to know what it was either until my husband was diagnosed and started therapy. His has very little to do with intercourse, so I educated myself and am going to therapy. Please at least research a little about what you plan to comment on.
A selfish "mans" wifeJune 27th, 2011 at 1:51 PM
I won’t argue whether sex addiction is real or not. I will argue if you are a sex addict then stay SINGLE! Why drag another person down with your lies and sickness. Subjecting them to lies, betrays and deadly STD’S.. All the while collecting smiles, love and dedication under misrepresentation of yourself to the one you say you love? They are self centered, cruel and conniving individuals using other to quench their sickness and a spouse to delude and blame for their sickness. Selfish..selfish..selfish..
AshleyAugust 20th, 2011 at 9:08 PM
I know sex addiction has made my life become suddenly a lie. My husband of 7 years and two children cheated then desired affairs ever since that point. I found out that he had been involved with married woman, phone sex, and even invited a hooker to my home. The lies are what hurt the most and even though he knew our marriage would be over he continued to seek out other woman to fulfill his sexual needs. Im confused on why he would beg for me back every time and what he sees me as in his life. He states he has two lives and im not in the other one and he never thinks about me when he cheats. I am faced again with the decision to keep my marriage and subject myself to this again. Im lost on what to do and why he even wants me.
DeeOctober 5th, 2011 at 11:57 PM
Sex addiction is exactly what the words mean, an addiction to sex! It is sad to say that it hurts many people, from the husbands/wives, to the children or siblings! This is something that kills, tear apart and destroy sometimes forever those in it’s path! I am a addict who truly loves his wife with all of my heart! I would never regardless of who I come across leave my wife for ANYONE, but it is wrong for me to lie, cheat and rip apart my family happiness! It is sad and I am going to get help and hopefully whomever read my post will too! LET BEAT THIS DISEASE TOGETHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AnnaAugust 3rd, 2014 at 9:10 PM
Did you? It’s been a couple years and I am now going through it. We have a child and it’s crushing my soul. Would you be ok if your spouse went out and had an affair? Really? What would you do?
angieDecember 18th, 2011 at 2:38 PM
I am married to a sex addict. I nearly left him once but decided to “work it out” with him. HUGE mistake. He has not done the things he says, he continues to webcam and look at porn. all the while killing me a little with every action. unless you’ve been in this situation, you cannot know how heartbreaking and destroying it is. my husband loves me, i know. but it’s not enough. i hate him for what he has done, what he is doing. i can’t believe that he can’t think of our children long enough to keep his penis in his pants instead of displaying it out there for the rest of the screwed up sex addicts who are online. divorce is the only option i have at this point and its so gutwrenching to me. :'(
Geoff M.September 21st, 2014 at 8:00 AM
Has anyone wondered if this whole site is not proof that Monogamy is a sham and that if men could have multiple wives these women would feel less isolated and provide more intrest and attraction to there male companions? Sex with the same woman especially as she ages for 20+ years is going to get old eventually.
SusanDecember 27th, 2011 at 4:02 PM
Angie – I am in the same situation and it is heartbreaking. I have stuck it out for over 12 years hoping the therapy, counseling and my support would get us through. I now found out again that while he has said he hasn’t been acting out that he actually has at work in his office. I am disgusted and so angry. After being out of work for over 8 months he finally got a job earlier this year and he is willing to risk losing it along with me and our son. I feel I have no other option at this point either and asked him to move out. I don’t know what to tell my son – they have a great relationship and he will be heartbroken. So much damage has been done…as you so perfectly described it, it’s gut wrenching.
hopeMarch 24th, 2012 at 5:50 AM
I have been married for less than a year and have discovered hundreds of emails to webcam girls… some becoming relationships that last a month.
I truly thought i had married someone i could trust around sex and other women.
for me now, without the trust there is no love anymore and i want to end my marriage- all i can think is that its bound to happen again and why have children and more responsibility to have to consider next time, it seems a lot better to move on now and start again!… i feel really bad and guilty to leave him as i think it would destroy him…. does anyone have any feedback?
AngelaJune 19th, 2012 at 12:53 PM
Leave the guy, it will not destroy him, but rather give him motivation to recover!
If I could go back in time, the time I had no children yet, then I would save myself all the discoveries…. There is always more, and always new ones. I would safe myself discovering the use of prostitutes and so on. I would leave and not look back.
jApril 1st, 2012 at 7:18 PM
@hope! You have to set the rules, for you. And you have to go as far as you are willing to go, once you have drawn those rules for yourself. If he has betrayed your trust in such a gross manner, you have to follow your heart. You cannot allow what he “might” do, dictate the rest of your life. I am married to a sex addict. We are working on things, and I have committed to give him time. I am comfortable with that. But if, or when I leave, it will be for me, and for my children. My husband has to learn to value a family, or value his addiction. And if leaving him destroys him, I will feel sad. But again, he choose the betrayal. He has to live with his choices. You have to decide how long you are willing to live with his choices.
reneeApril 29th, 2012 at 6:22 PM
I wish I had some feedback instead of needing some myself, I recently found txt, fb, picture messages,emails from 9 different women over a 12 month period of time from from the end of 2009 through the beginning of 2011 in an old black berry of my boyfriends, in some months he had contact with all 9 of them in the same month. We have been together for almost 15 years over the years he has been unfaithful in one way or another numerous times, he has physically cheated, but more often as far as i know alot of his contact was inappropriate contact through txts, emails etc, some with women he met online an ex girlfriend and co workers. We have separated and gotten back together a few times. Our longest separation lasted over 6 months and 3 1\2 years ago we got back together and both made a lot of changes, our relationship has never been better, our sex life is amazing, we enjoy each others company etc, so I was not prepared at all for what I found. I am not a naive person by any means if i were i wouldn’t know any of this. Due to his past I would on occasion check his FB, he left it up on his iPod and never hid it, never found anything until 3 Mos ago i found a message to a coworker of his giving her his cell # that prompted me to look further and I was shocked at what I found, I always knew he liked to watch porn,he has always had a abnormally high sex drive and the porn didn’t seem to interfere with our sex life so it really didn’t bother me, I am an attractive woman and have never doubted his attraction to me.I had no idea the amount of porn, frequency or kind if porn he was into. I feel like my whole relationship has been a lie, the last 3 years I was building trust and he was betraying me it seems the entire time. He has sworn he did not have sex of any kind with any of the 9 women, he actually said it was like entertainment to him, like it even matters, some of these women are women we know, not well but still. Sorry for the book but I am so disgusted hurt and angry, so much anger, I have never felt this much anger ever, I have made an appointment with a therapist and was all set to leave and still am but We have 3 children, they are not his biological children but he has raised them for almost 15 yrs and is a great father you would never know by his actions that they were not his biological children, our 18 yr old daughter made us grandparents last year and it was heartbreaking for me, but he was amazing supportive to me and her and helped me come to terms with it, we have a beautiful grand baby and a good life, I only mention thus because he is not a total monster, I believe he really loves me and is happy. How could this man the man I thought I built my life with be the same person as the man living this double life with all these secrets, how and why would he risk loosing everything. I feel so broken and helpless!
MariaMay 22nd, 2012 at 1:11 PM
I just found out yesterday that my husband of 26 years had a double life for several years. He was always very protective of his privacy and in 2009 a woman called and said they had unprotected sex and then she found out he was married… I was devastated but chose to work on our relationship thinking it was that ONE instance. Yesterday he left his email open and I was able to see what opened my eyes and ruined my spirit, me trust, my marriage. He had secret passwords stored in a document I was able to get into… He had been seeing countless women spending dinners and such. I don’t even know how he did it he was home on weekends and most nights save the Occasional company dinner… But now I know. He said he realized this couldn’t go on and stopped on his own accord without any help and he sounded proud of this achievement. He even sent pictures of our children to some of this women pictures of family vacations …. I lost my husband, my best friend and my future with him. I can’t see how I will be able to ever have a relationship with him. I hate him and despise him. I truly do think my love has vanished. He arrogance, the way he talked to me with so many put downs all the while he was doing this… Even yesterday morni g he had a chance to come. Mean and he didn’t!!! How can I ever trust him again? I can’t.
reneeMay 23rd, 2012 at 7:52 AM
My best advice is see a therapist ASAP, check their qualifications first though, make sure they have plenty of experience with addiction and marriage counseling. I started seeing one and it seems to help, I am only a little over a month into this so unfortunately I have still have no idea what I am going to do and my emotions are still all over the place but with therapy and educating my self on the issue if sex addiction I have become less angry. I have realized for now I have to take care of myself so when it is time to make a decision I can feel confident in the decision and know I will be ok weather I move on or choose to stay. Good luck, try to stay strong this is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with
DebOctober 12th, 2012 at 3:08 PM
In the last month found out I was married to a sex addict after 35 yrs of marriage. I was able to get my hands on his cell phone, which he protected like a newborn baby. (yes a clue I know)
There it was, emails and pictures from women, thousands of them. I had suspected he was seeing someone and had been searching for PROOF, well the proof was in his phone.. I am devasted and disgusted by his behavior and the lies he has been telling me.
He keeps saying he will make things right and wants to stay together. NO WAY! Is it typical of a sex addict that they dont see what they have done as being so damaging that there can be no looking back.
Everything I have read says they will continue to do what they were doing..
That is so discouraging.. I want out now…
I pray he gets himself help but I dont see that happening…
RachelNovember 23rd, 2012 at 1:21 PM
honestly? to the girl who said that the term sex addict was coined by a man who just wanted to use it as an excuse to get laid, please, open a book and stop spreading your hate and ignorance!
sex addiction is very hurtful to ALL parties involved. it’s like drug or alcohol addiction. you’re going to tell me that alcoholics and drug addicts should remain single for the rest of their lives too? You’re telling me you don’t have problems that you unleash on your significant other? please.
for the people who say “if he ever cheated on me, there’s no way I could forgive” I hope you’re never faced with that situation, but to make up your mind so adamantly without any knowledge of how or why, it’s just so disgustingly narrowminded.
Nobody’s perfect, people have problems – usually sex addicts are severely abused as children and their brains chemically don’t work normally. For you to just assume it’s a selfish act with no point but to get laid is retarded. It’s a profoundly sad psychological problem.
The people betrayed have every right to feel hurt and anger, but sex addiction is very real and painful for the addict as well. open the dictionary and look up “addiction” – just because it’s hard for you to comprehend doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.
ReneeNovember 23rd, 2012 at 8:13 PM
I found out 7 1/2 months ago my bf of 11 years has seen prostitutes & filmed it-and posted it on-line to make money. (so he says this is all). I know he is a sex addict, because he frequents porn and does cyber.chat & probably cyber sex. I have been out of my mind & in deep depresion, pain & feelso hurt and betrayed. I found a good therapist who said “he must get therapy and go to SA meetings”. I asked him to get insurance one day- and guess what? he forgot. That is because it was not important to him. I want to say they I thought we were going to live our golden years together- but I asked myself this? Do I want to live with the agonizing pain of a cheater the rest of my life? or The agonising pain of getting over him now? I chose to break it off. and it has only been 3 days now. I must tell you- this whole thing was TRAMATIC! I have been tramatized. Now I am working on healing. as for him- addictions using come with RELAPS-ES. tHANKS FOR LISTENING. newely broke up after 11 years of being lied to.
ReneeNovember 23rd, 2012 at 8:29 PM
I have a qustion for people who have experienced this. What is going to my sex addict bf now that we have broken up? Is he going to progress? Or is he going to find the Perfect prostitute to marry? I really am raged & feel so nagry at him & betrayed that right now I feel like he doen’t get better. I want him to feel 3 times the pain he has caused me. Then I will feel good that I made the corrcet decision on leaving him forever.
AMDecember 10th, 2012 at 8:19 AM
Renee – most likely, he will binge. He will gorge himself on sex and whatever other addictions he feeds, consuming sex to drown out his conscience, his feelings of loss and guilt, his memories. He will NEVER feel as badly as you do because he has spent most of his life running from sexual encounter to sexual encounter, addiction after addiction, running from his own broken, twisted inner world. And, even better, he can blame you for all of his pain because you ‘just didn’t accept his apology,’ refused to ‘see how he had changed,’ or ‘chose not to believe him’. These addicts value only deceit and lies, cherish their secrets, and give their time and attention to their addictions.
connieJanuary 18th, 2013 at 5:22 AM
Leave the marriage. The lies, serial cheating only gets worse. He will not stop. Go before your whole life is destroyed. I am now facing this decision after 40 yrs. of lies, adultry etc. on and on. Don’t let the begging from him keep you in the marriage. Get out while you still have many years ahead of you. It will destroy you. It takes a toll. It is a horrible way of life. Leave.
Good Luck and God Bless you. Pray for divine direction.
HopeJanuary 30th, 2013 at 3:49 PM
Thank you all so much for posting. My husband of 12 years and I have been “working” on things for the last 6 years, ever since I discovered that he cheated on me. I decided to accept his words and it took some time, but was able to get back to normalcy. It seems like right about the time we were ok again, I discover that he’s been sexting and starting things up with an old girlfriend. She’s in another state so he could claim they never had sex, but that’s not the point..He’s still having an affair; they are having sex over the phone and exchanging all sorts of photos. It rocked my world. I can go into all of the stories; tell about his porn addiction and obsession with genital piercings but I never kicked him out. We have two children and at that time they were very young. I didn’t feel like I could do it by myself (physically and financially). I felt trapped and so stayed in the marriage. The pattern only repeated itself time and again progressively getting worse. This last time was the last straw. I made him leave, but Connie (#33) hit the nail on the head. Already the begging and sympathy pleas are overwhelming. I let him back in the house to see the kids and he wanted to spend the night (on the couch) and it felt like I had to kick him out again. The only thing I can think of is do I want this pattern to continue for the rest of my life? I’m young(ish) and have plenty on my side… I just don’t know… It was so hard on the kids watching him go. They don’t understand and I don’t know what to tell them… He is supposed to get therapy and get help, and I need to see him doing that but honestly, I don’t know if it will be enough.
Thanks again to everyone who posted. Reading about your experiences has really helped me.
reneeJanuary 30th, 2013 at 7:05 PM
leave. put up with 2 tears of morning so you can find happiness again. You cannot fix addictions and they do not care. The addicted mind doesn’t think it’s wrong. do not be a follower- be a leader. leave.
reneeJanuary 30th, 2013 at 7:08 PM
i havent seen my old man. I miss our friendship very much, but living with betrayal is so painful-it is so hurting. I am almost better.
HopeJanuary 31st, 2013 at 6:07 PM
I know I should. He said he is starting therapy on Monday…I want him to get better. I want my family to be whole again. Do people who go through therapy get better and stop? I would imagine its like any other addiction, theres bound to be a fall off the wagon every now and again…Can I handle that? I guess the biggest question is do I want to? Maybe I should be the selfish one for a change and do what’s best for me. I don’t know anything at this point except that for now he is out and until he works on his problems he can’t come back.
reneeFebruary 2nd, 2013 at 1:02 AM
I like what Connie #20 said “It will destroy you. It takes a toll. It is a horrible way of life. Leave.
Good Luck and God Bless you. Pray for divine direction.
” this is true…………
LaurelFebruary 2nd, 2013 at 9:30 PM
yes. leave. however, its not easy and its also lonely because after all of these years finding out that my “best friend” is a lying cheating fucktard has not exactly ingratiated me to the opposite sex.
what kills me the most are all of the “fake recoveries” and then women who are thinking that all is hunky dory, only to discover years and years later, that the leopard really didn’t change his spots. He just learned how to cover them up better.
as for being abused as children. sorry. that is not an excuse. I was abused too. get help. or better yet. get a conscious AND a f–king soul!
MichelleJune 24th, 2013 at 9:35 AM
The horrible part of this type of progressive addiction is that unlike drugs, alcohol, and food, sex triggers are immediately available with the flick of the imagination. Nobody can take that away from them. The other problem is that how do you trust a deviant sex addict who can’t control their compulsive behavior around your children? They eventually sexualize everything. Many otherwise normal heterosexual addicts end up with other homosexual men, admitting that it is only because unless the acts are more deviant than before, they don’t get their “fix”. It is a matter of time.
Then there is the fact that in order to cover up their dirty deeds, which is something they are very good at, they require their partner to be vulnerable, weak, have low self esteem, and be relatively isolated. They are masters at passive aggressive abuse and gaslighting. This spiritual and psychological abuse to me is worse than physical abuse. If it isn’t your or his 1st marriage, or the betrayer hasn’t really led a double life, I would say RUN, don’t just walk away, RUN!
That said, the ability to forgive is a must for you and your children. Resentment is like drinking a poison thinking it harms someone else. Even worse, that resentment gives the abuser continued power over your life, they are continuing the abuse. Resentment is a shadow that will have a negative effect over your new life without him. It takes time, but you should put any remaining energy into being grateful for getting away, grateful the abuse didn’t extend to your children, being grateful you weren’t the one capable of doing those things (women are sex addicts who abuse their families also) and being grateful you had the strength to get away etc.
The betrayers dies spiritually and mentally. Mourn and move on with faith. God takes care of widows and orphans, but He can only do that if there is forgiveness. It is extremely important for your success and that of your children for forgiveness to happen eventually.
LaurelFebruary 2nd, 2013 at 9:41 PM
Yes, Hope… #20. You do not have the power to destroy him. He is indestructible for he has no soul to destroy. If you stay, however, he does have the power to destroy you.
save yourself. he’s a sinking ship and will pull you down with him if you let him. choose life. YOUR precious life. Your instincts of self-preservation are spot on.
For any SA who have embraced recovery and are truly walking the talk… I commend you, however you have to know that you are in the vast minority.
It takes a dogged determination to change these ingrained patterns of behavior. And even then, most cannot succeed for the long term. Yes, its very sad, but most sex addicts, I believe are not truly sad. They live in a world of their own making and the rules that apply to most of us do not apply to them. Oh, they put on a good show… but it is not real. Again, a truly recovering addict has enough insight to know this about him/herself and does not want to be THAT person anymore. It truly takes a paradigm shift of the highest order.
I pray for all of our souls…
LaurelFebruary 3rd, 2013 at 8:30 AM
I just want to add a few more things at this time. Sex addiction is real just as alcoholism is real, however, having an indiscretion as some people were discussing earlier in this thread is absolutely not what we are talking about.
My belief is that sex addiction, per se is not the disease, but a symptom of the underlying personality disorder which is usually either narcissistic personality disorder or avoidant personality disorder or a combo of both.
Can a sex addict, (say a man) who’s been with hundreds of other women while still coming home to the wife and family also be someone who loves his wife as he most often claims? Well, yes and no. In his mind it is “love” but his version of love is warped and one-sided. It is not what a healthier person perceives love to be.
My husband claimed that he did not feel adored and yes, that is true because he does not adore himself and he also went out of his way to make himself as unadorable as possible to me. I wouldn’t even have gone on a second date with this unfortunate dude, much less have fallen in love with him myself. But that love died, because love needs to be nurtured and cared for, or it WILL die. The sex addict will use this as an excuse for his heinous actions, but that is all it is— a lame excuse. There are always other choices such as talking, therapy, etc. My h and I actually had a very close and intimate relationship in other ways, but when I found out about all of the affairs and read about “the five plus CONSPIRACY to commit adultery” and how she felt so “guilty” because he had born all of the culpability, I said, “ENOUGH!”
That my friends is not love. He goaded me into looking into his computer which had been locked up tighter than NORAD. (with enough disk space to fuel it as well.) He actually had the temerity to say that he had nothing to hide.
How sick can a person be?
I went to therapy for years without him. She encouraged me to pull out all the stops and give the marriage my all, which I did–albeit reluctantly. But it takes TWO to make a marriage.
All of the thousands of hours that he spent pursuing other women were taken away from me, his children, his ability to earn a living, etc. (he was unemployed for 3.5 years)
The betrayed spouse will still rack her brain. Was there more *I* COULD have done? Is any of this my fault? Relationship problems, yes… but sex addiction is not due to “relationship problems”—EVER. It is an aberration that lives inside the sex addict’s heart and what’s passing for a soul. I cannot possibly even begin to imagine what that feels like and yes, of course, they are suffering, but they are taking all of their loved ones down with them and that is just not right.
I too thought of doing what he did to me… and what stopped me every time was seeing the look of pain and anguish and on his face, when he eventually would find out. All the while, he was cheating on me left and right.
Leaving was extremely difficult on account of our financial problems, however, I do have a good business and can support myself and my mom helped me to buy an apartment where I am sitting right now.
I’m going to be 57 in a few days. I’m still attractive, slim and vivacious… but the thought of being with a man makes me wanna vomit.
I don’t think that there’s a shrink in the universe who can help me. I was an abused child. My father used to beat me up with his belt whenever the mood struck him. It took me years, and years to trust a man. any man. My husband was the sweetest, kindest individual I ever hoped to meet. He was so devoted and passionate and obviously nuts about me. I felt so safe with him…I (and don’t hurl) but I used to call him “puppy.” He’s still very kind to me and helps me with whatever I need… he just can’t wrap his arms around me and tell me that he loves me. (even though I’m sure in his warped way he does.)
well, I don’t love him either. Its so sad.
thanks for listening… if you’re still reading. ;]
JaneAugust 9th, 2014 at 5:49 AM
I enjoyed reading your post.
I am married to a sex addict and caught him numerous times looking at
Porn. I didn’t mind as much until he became addicted to web camming women. He also began a personal relationship with a 22 year old russian in web cam. He would send her gifts as well. My husband is 57 and I am 33 and we have a 4 year old daughter.
After I caught the web cam affair he fessed up and we did intense therapy Etc. That was 2 years ago but now we don’t do therapy anymore and have just gotten back to the rut in life.
You’re right how the sex addict brings everyone down with him.
I am starting to see/feel signs that he’s at it again. It scares me so much. He claims to have ED and cannot get hard with me. However, he will get massive erections in the middle of the night and hide them from me.
I have a supportive family that loves me and would help my daughter and I if I chose to leave. I am just so confused.
I used to be extra thin and a fashionista when we met, but after having my daughter I’ve kept 30 lbs on.
I do love him but am afraid he is back into his web cam addiction
It seems as though his mind is always elsewhere and he is figity. Never in the same room with us and won’t always look me in the eye.
I’m n need of advice and clarity
Thanks so much
DJNovember 11th, 2014 at 4:23 AM
I will be starting over at 52 married 22 years. Thank you for posting.
BlessingMarch 19th, 2013 at 9:08 AM
I am married to a sex addict who is a doctor. Isn’t that something? I feel terribly, terribly lonely and have been through all the phases of confessions, tears, ‘recovery’ and back to discovering he’s still at it for the last 4 years. Am wondering if it will ever stop? Probably not. Am 30 with a 4 year old daughter. I don’t want my daughter to grow up without her father as I did (and he’s a great father). But I don’t know how long I can put up with this. Am thinking I need to cut my losses and run before I waste the rest of my life on this man.
MelissaJuly 29th, 2013 at 7:56 AM
I totally understand I’m going through the samething I’m 26 and have to kids with my husben all the signs r there he just hasn’t told me everything I don’t no what to
RosieApril 15th, 2013 at 12:45 PM
I have been reading all the threads and feel dispair. My husband is a sex addict that my 16 yr old daughter discovered through his dumb emails and she even found his web sight with his profile, looking for sex. I left him for 4 months and found out 2 days after my return he never stopped. Tonight is our first marriage counseling appt, but I am wondering why go. He has been the best and most kind husband ever. When people have heard of our seperation everyone is floored and have a hard time believing it, me to. The lies are almost unbearable. Even when he is caught flat out lying he deny’s it. I HATE THE LIES. I am trying to come to grips my marriage of 24 yrs is over,,, sigh, guess I will go see what the therapist says.
SamMay 19th, 2013 at 2:39 PM
Salifeline.org will be a lifesaver for you in terms of information. And if there is a LifeSTAR Program in your area, that will help immensely.
ReneeMay 18th, 2013 at 1:38 PM
It has been one year and one mnth since I found out. I gave hime up totally say after 10 months of fooling myself into thinking it would get better- no trust- it wont. I am still mad, hurt,and in pain. He is in another state for the time being. He is in denial, but all the studying about sex addiction, and I have learned how to live single. I am still not ready to date. But who knows..maybe another best friend will come along. If not- well, I am okay. He still hasnt admitted he is an addict, but I got in his email- and he is doing worse things than before. My therapist was right- it is progressive. I never felt pain like I did for those first 9-10 mnths. But please people believe me- it is better to be alone than have the pain- or non-trust. Good luck evryone
tired of the liesJune 11th, 2013 at 2:14 PM
“But can you imagine what the addict is going through?”
I don’t think the addict is suffering at all, until he gets caught. My husband enjoyed himself a lot. People don’t stop doing something that they are getting enjoyment out of … until they get caught…and then they just learn to lie better.
The only pain a “sex addict” goes through is losing his family, job, money, etc. after they are caught. So if he doesn’t get caught I don’t think there is any pain.
I will never believe it is a disease either, that word is just another justification. Is cigarette smoking a disease? No, it is a choice that harms you, but you made the choice. Does it change your body yes, but it was a choice, it is not a disease.
This is a life based on selfishness that hurts the ones around him more than him….until he gets caught.
ReneeJune 13th, 2013 at 2:21 AM
I read the book “codependent no more” If you want to heal-READ IT!! It is easy reading and will make you feel so good. I miss my relationship with my ex, but I do not have to spy, worry & care about his crazy sex ideas (anymore). I say-leave those sex addicts and dont look back. In the long run-they loose.
ReneeJune 13th, 2013 at 2:37 AM
this post is called “Married to a Sex Addict! Is Divorce Your Only Option?”
pretty much yes seems to be the majority opinion here.
i know some may stop their acting out – but as with most addictions – there is relapse. Can you live with that?
ReneeJune 14th, 2013 at 12:56 AM
Rosie, I know what you mean about “being floored”. When I discovered what my man was doing I was in tramatic shock for 6 months. The fact that he is going to get help- to prove to you that “he wants to stop and that he loves is”. Is the only chance he has. Read the :codependent no more” book. It will help you be stronger. Tale care – “of you.”.
ReneeJune 14th, 2013 at 1:00 AM
Blessing- take the Dr. to court and make him pay-large child support” and alimony(for 2 years). I would run if I were you. your still young enough to get another man. Your child is better of w/o two parents than having a miserable mom, or a family that is fighting.
reneeJuly 8th, 2013 at 8:49 PM
#52 Michelle Absolutley awsome post. It is true. I took 15 months to start to really get over the selfish cheating brained man. Life is getting better!!! Lots of tears, what if’s etc. It isnt easy but it gets better. I think the govenment needs to stop so much porn being available but I know- that will never happen.
AMSeptember 2nd, 2013 at 2:09 PM
These sites which treat sex addiction like some clinical exercize infuriate me. Sex addiction is not an affair, but a deep willingness to lie in order to continue cheating in the worst possible ways. I have met some sex addicts who do NOT try to have relationships with people so choose NOT to drag them through the same horrific filth. Getting a divorce is the ONLY thing the partner can do, because their only choice to get free and get as healthy as they can after experiencing some of the worst betrayal possible in life – someone who claims they love you, and is willing to destroy your life. Maybe the sex addict will wise up and choose to change, and maybe they won’t, but the partner should never be coached into staying, and worse, made to feel like they are not being supportive by trying to love themselves enough to survive in tact.
reneeJanuary 13th, 2014 at 1:18 AM
Melissa, Please go talk to a therapist. It is not healthy for you- to be going through this pain of his addiction. Like I said before..go to the library and get the book “co-dependent no more”. I hope you can get help for you- he can only get help for himself and change himself. you deserve to be happy. you deserve to have someone who is faithful.
MariaJanuary 23rd, 2014 at 9:46 AM
Going through this since sept 24th. in so much pain. tried and tried but filed for divorce.
MONTEZJanuary 23rd, 2014 at 10:27 PM
i FEEL YOU i DONT EVEN GET SEX OR A KISS HUG DONT EVEN HOLD ME AND WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 1YEAR ANDNINIE MONTHS
AnthonyFebruary 19th, 2014 at 3:51 PM
This will be the super short version. A little history. My wife’s sex drive heightened once she hit 30 and the story will proceed there.
There are many holes in this story but the crux of the issue is here.
In March of last year, I moved to CA from CO for work. It was either transfer with my company or lose my job. Coming to CA was a temporary thing and being that I worked from home, I would be in CO for great lengths of time so it worked out. Eventually my family was going to join me out here.
In Sept of last year, I started having suspicions something was going in back home. My wife and I would communicate all the time and that started falling off. One night she was supposed to call me when she was going home but never called. She said her phone died. The next day I called her and she was very hesitant about where she was. That night I asked her if she had anything to tell me. She asked “Why do you even like me?” Then proceeded to tell me she has been smoking weed. That wasn’t what I thought she was going to say so ok, we can work with it.
The next night I had a gut feeling to check the phone records. I saw there were phone calls coming in on weeknights when she has to get up in the morning to take the kids to school. I called the number and some man answered. I hung up and immediately called her. My wife proceeds to tell me that she has been engaging in light BDSM.
Fast forward to Oct. I had another inkling to check something else. I found her profile on a fetish website with a list of her fetishes and other pictures. I couldn’t believe it and I was in shock. She was under protection from some man who identifies himself with a Pirate Captain. I found some of my wife’s writings that she scripted. One of them is a fantasy of being a slave in Louisiana during slave times and another of being a pirate prostitute.
I also found an ad on Craigslist for a man and woman looking for another woman. The woman described was my wife. Don’t ask me what prompted me to check but I did.
Fast forward to New Year’s Eve. My wife’s car was stolen from somewhere where she should have never been. Her purse was in the car and they lifted over $1000 from our bank accounts.
She said she was at this persons house engaging in BDSM where she was being beat by a female dominatrix.
My wife says she masturbates 50-60 times a day and can’t get enough porn.
She stopped talking to me and three days later she left me. She said the reason she left me is because she is irresponsible and she needs to fix herself.
Three weeks later I found another ad and I called her on it. She says that its not her and she told me to reply to it to see who is looking for someone. So I did. I created a fake response and I received a reply with a picture of her and this guy. I sent it to her and she blatantly lied and said she had nothing to do with the pic and that she was not going to participate in any way shape or form.
My wife admits there is something wrong with her. She is sick in the head and I have my own theories as to what is wrong with her but I am not a psychologist.
This isn’t my wife, I don’t know this person.
She says fixing herself fixes “this”. This being our marriage. I love my wife and I want her to get help and support her through this process but I also know that I can never trust her fully. She will never tell me what she has been involved in because these secrets will go to her grave with her. She has two kids that I took on as my own. I started seeing a therapist that says no one can help her. Except her. She has to hit rock bottom and I don’t think she is there yet.
kristineMarch 1st, 2014 at 2:17 AM
Run. Run. Run. Run!
I have been married for 20 years! After 18 years, my husband told me that he had been sexually active with hundreds of women, beginning four months after our wedding!
I thought that I had a reasonably good marriage! I thought that my family was doing well.
I went into severe shock. Deep trauma. HE played therapist after therapist after therapist. For nearly two years, he mostly used therapists to blame me, to delay providing any formal “disclosure” process to provide full information to me, he raged, he was suddenly a man I had not ever known. He was a raving madman, a cruel, sadistic, manipulative man. He was NOT the man I thought that I knew –
Clearly, he had been medicating himself VERY WELL over all those years, so that his unstable, frightening true self was well covered.
Just as I was preparing to file for a divorce, he appeared to be stabilizing, had been in therapy and reported that he was getting well. I decided to “try” to begin some steps forward, and he committed to putting work on recovery and our marriage as his top priority.
BUT, he started an intense sexual/emotional affair. THIS time, it was not secret, it was not hidden, it was not far away – HE carried this affair out to my full knowledge, reporting to me that she was far more supportive, more sexual, more intimate, younger, more fun, awesome, wonderful, great listener, far superior to me!
AGAIN, just as I was calling my attorney, he committed to intensive therapy with one of the nation’s top sex addiction specialists. He entered residential treatment, and he vowed to me
that he was intensely committed to becoming healthy, and that he was entirely devoted to the therapy process he was being required to follow.
BUT, a few days into his residential treatment, he sent me a note: “I cannot let you have access to the phone bill, because I had started seeing another woman before I came here. I do not want you to interfere by calling her or exposing me.”
I sent the information to his therapist, and several days later I received an apology.
Deeply committed. Great progress. Learning much – radical transformation.
BUT, I did look at the cell phone bill this evening, AND, HE IS TEXTING THE NEW WOMAN FROM THE RESIDENTIAL TREATMENT CENTER AT 1:00 AM AND 2:00 AM AND 3:00 AM —
DO not believe a word he says!
Do NOT believe the sex addiction therapists who seem to defend the sex addict over and over and over again –
I have known people who are addicted to drugs and alcohol, and they are NEVER enabled, protected, and defended the way professional protect the sex addict.
WHY do they all work so hard to claim that the sex addict can recover and to work to save the marriage?
WHY? I have never witnessed such adamant attempts to “save the marriage.”
TEXTING THE NEW WOMAN FROM THE RESIDENTIAL TREATMENT CENTER!
Why does a sex addict have access to his iPhone in a residential treatment center for sex addiction?
WHY does he have access to any technology at all?
I give up. THIS is far too crazy for me!
RUN! I tell you, RUN. You easily get stuck in a loop where one promise after another, one incident after another, and you do not look at the global view and realize that you are on a carnival ride, and you keep looping back and back and back again to the same insanity.
The problem is that he is not looping you back with one more night at the bar, one more bottle of whiskey, he is looping you back but each time you are more and more diminished. Each time your integrity and your value is less.
Many claim that the sex addict actually loves his wife, that the other incidents and women and sexual exploits area not the same.
Why do they keep claiming such insanity. Okay, it’s “not the same.” When he has an affair with a woman from work, it’s not the same, he loves me and his family, but he is “compelled” to have the affair —
It’s not the same.
BUT, his energy is focused on the other woman, or porn images, or fantasy, or chats, or hundreds of women…
His hormones are being released onto the “other” sexual experience –
His devotion is directed to that “other” experience….
WHY are women being told, actually, “it’s not the same” ??????
It’s not the same. BUT I just spent 20 years of MY ONLY LIFE with a man who was not invested in me, not in our marriage, not in our family, not in growing together, increasing intimacy, nurturing, supporting, touching, providing the healing, positive, dynamic neurological and physical and psychological power that comes from attached, intimate partnerships.
“It’s not the same,” and “it’s not about sex,” and “he loves his wife,” and all that may be true. The bottom line is that his partner is living her life — with less than — without.
He is texting his NEW affair partner from his residential treatment center!
PamMay 28th, 2014 at 8:15 AM
What a mf loser . dump the jerk quick. I am about to do so with my bf. He is a narcissist/control freak addicted to porn and jerking off on webcam. I just recently caught him with another woman on webcam and of course he is denying the whole thing by trying ti tell me I must be on drugs and imagined the whole thing. he even tried to tell me i am delusional and no such thing happened. oh spare me the bs please. and he is 60 and i am 52 and enuf is enuf. grow up and get a life you lying cheating player. The only time he calls me is when he wants to hear him self talk and have someone listen and pay attention to hm . do i get the same courtesy? hell no. he loves “all his girls” the same. jerk. this is why i cant stand most men . I am not gay i am just tired of being used and abused. Relationships just aren’t worth it anymore because most men are only out for booty like its the most important thing in the world. To have an orgasm 5 million times a day.
What the hell ever happened to old fashioned love and romance?
BelleJuly 9th, 2014 at 2:32 PM
Everything you have said about the addict and life as the partner of the addict makes more sense than anything I have read before. You get straight to the point without all of the crap that surrounds explanations for the addicts behaviour. To me these people are nothing but compulsive liars who can never be trusted and destroy the lives of the partners who stay with them. I commend your honesty. And yes, I would also advise anyone who finds themselves with this problem to RUN as fast as you can and never look back. We only get one life – don’t waste on a sex addict!
MicheleAugust 5th, 2014 at 3:18 PM
Have you ever thought of writing a book about your experiences?
I have been caught in almost the same loop as you, only the details are different! I am finally ready to walk away. Isn’t it ironic that I would make that decision today and then read words! Maybe that’s my higher power kicking in and giving me the thumbs up.
Seems we spend a lot of time trying to separate the addict from the person we married, trying to learn to forgive and reconcile. Sometimes a bucket of cold water dumped over our head’s is the wake up call we need. A reminder that if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, well, then, it is a dog gone DUCK!
I still think time spent to learn about addiction and not rushing into a divorce is a healthier approach. Now when I look back, I can say I gave it my all and I will not look back and wonder if I did the right thing by leaving.
Thank you for your input. Your words affirmed my decision.
You really should think about that book. You express your self very well and I think all spouses of sex addicts will benefit from your experiences. Forgiveness is good, but reconciliation is not always an option….no matter how hard you try.
EmmaOctober 6th, 2014 at 5:40 PM
Wow! I’m having that final straw day today. After 7 years and a 6 year old daughter I’m done with this marrige. I have read all these posts and urs really touched me. I’m sorry u wasted so many years with this man. My husband is a sex addict too. I suspected it since my daughter was 2, and forgiven him so many times. I found pictures, emails, texts. Finally i had hard proof that he visited 8 massage parlours in the past 2 months and now it’s so real. The man who I loved had ‘real’ sex with prostitutes. I don’t even know what hurts most. is that he had sex with someone else or that he doesn’t feel guilty about it. I had a serious talk to him and for the firSt time ever he opened up about his childhood. He said it won’t happen Again and that he doesn’t want to lose me and a month later I saw his browser history looking at local escort websites.
Anyways u are right, addicts will never change and I deserve better.
I refuse to be called crazy and jealous and paranoid. It is not ok to do that to a person.
So I’m taking ur advise and I am running the hell away from this mess.
BecauSe if I don’t I will literally go crazy!!
God bless u and I hope u are in a good place now
Thank you for sharing ur story, ur a one brave lady!
WendyDecember 17th, 2015 at 6:16 PM
So happy I found this thread. Kristine, I need you in my life. I only found out two months ago that my husband of 13 yrs has been a porn addict of 15 yrs. I had no idea. And as I read and get therapy it’s dizzying that so much and so many still make you feel crazy encouraging us to have super human mental strength to stay with and get beyond this with the addict. Why am I expected to feel like sh$t for the rest of my life because poor him, he’s sick. We had no sex life. All of the crazy making really f%cked me up. Anyway, too hard to tell my whole story right now. Thanks to all of the ladies reminding us of our strength and to run.
WendyDecember 17th, 2015 at 6:17 PM
…please notify me when comments are added.
kristineMarch 1st, 2014 at 2:27 AM
NOTE TO ANTHONY:
The idea of “rock bottom” is sheer nonsense!
MOST reputable addiction therapists and theorists and centers now acknowledge that the theory of “hitting rock bottom” is madness.
An addict has lost the capacity to “reason,” they have damaged their brains.
The sex addict has created serious damage to the pre-frontal cortex – REASON and CRITICAL THINKING! Look at the images from Dr. Amen’s work on the brain of the sex addict.
When drug addicts his rock bottom they are DEAD.
When alcoholics his rock bottom they are DEAD.
NOW, families are encourage to “get the addict to a treatment center,” NOT wait for “rock bottom.”
Waiting for “rock bottom” also means that the loved ones, families, partners, children, SUFFER terribly as they not only live without the healthy participation of the loved one, but the family is diminished, each individual is diminished – damaged, hurt, in pain, in trauma.
Telling a partner or a family member to “detach” is ABSURD! ABSURD!
We can learn to not be “reactive,” to understand addiction, but many profoundly misinterpret the idea to “detach” and wait for “rock bottom” as precisely NOT taking care of the addict, not getting them help, but standing by and watching the addict and every single person in his/her life destruct.
NO to “rock bottom.” ROCK BOTTOM is usually DEATH.
Would you watch anyone else sit and destroy their brains? WAITING? Seriously?
kristineMarch 1st, 2014 at 2:45 AM
You write: “I was an abused child. My father used to beat me up with his belt whenever the mood struck him. It took me years, and years to trust a man. any man.”
I was NOT an abused child. My father was kind and gentle and attentive and encouraging and supportive. He taught me to oil my bicycle chain so that I could explore the world!
BUT, like you, I cannot imagine sex with any man ever again! Devastating abuse.
Read the book, “My Sexually Addicted Spouse” by Marsha Means and Barbara Steffens and learn about the TRAUMA – real medical trauma – experienced by the partner of a sex addict.
The betrayal is devastating to your neurology, your identity, your sense of self, your sense of trust in how you read and interpret your world, your sense of worthiness, your sense of being loveable –
The long-term intimate partner betrayal is seriously and profoundly damaging, and it is for any partner!
The idea that the partner of a sex addict had her own issues/ her own history of abuse, her own dysfunction or attachment disorder that created her bond with her sexually addicted spouse is NONSENSE.
Many abusers, including sex addicts, actually select strong, empowered women because they want to “usurp” her positive characteristics, AND they want to hide their shame and their often malicious intentions. They will chip away at her esteem, at her reputation, at her public character, to diminish her, so that they look more favorable —
THESE tactics are common among a spectrum of abusers. Those who end up in relationships with them are NOT somehow psychologically predisposed to being victims. They are “groomed” over time to become complacent, confused, cooperative, helpless, diminished —
MicheleAugust 5th, 2014 at 2:53 PM
Wow, Kristine! Well put. Thank you for your input. I am copying and saving so I can remind myself when I need to!
Jenny B.June 9th, 2014 at 11:30 AM
I am 62 y/I and found out 2 yrs ago that for 29 yrs of our marriage he was frequenting female body builder prostitutes at $300 -$500 per session always on Business Trips and then over the past 10 years during his work day. He has had this sexual addiction beginning in the Catholic Priesthood!!! I met him one summer when he returned to the area where his family lives. He had bee sent to Washington DC. I suspect now there may have been an awareness of his sexual Disorder. Naively I believed he loved me and seemed attracted to me. When I threw him out 2 months ago it was after he told me he never has had sexual desire for me and married me because I was a Nice Person. He led me to believe his lack of sexual desire and avoidance of sex was due to sexual inhibition fostered by Celebicy forced by the Catholic Church. He told me that he did not think what he was doing was Adultery – humiliation and submission – oral sex to the female bodybuilder prostitutes and having him masturbated by their Biceps, rubbing his penis against their muscles until he ejaculated, or paying extra for a hand job. Hundreds of experiences with these women over a 40 year period. Hiding behind the cloak of the Catholic Church as a priest and then during our marriage as an Anglican priest!! I am currently in the process of divorce and am aware that I am in the battle of my life!! But I will do everything I can to expose his behavior. Attending Therapy was a joke as the Cerebral Narcissist will be able to snow the therapist because of their intellectual capacity. He recently lost his job because they finally have some in charge who recognized his behaviors during work hrs. How did he have access to the money to support his habit without me knowing? It is being investigated that he became a master at Synthetic Identity theft – opening up credit cards using someone’s ss# and changing the spelling of the name!! I anticipate he will go to jail! I have attempted to contact the Catholic Church and The Anglican Church – with no response or accountability for their man of the cloth!! I became the cloak to hide behind. He was viewed as a devoted husband , respected and loved adoptive father of my two children and 6 grandchildren. Our life with him was a fascade! He has shattered our lives and exploited our love and dedication to him. We are trying to heal. My pain is the loss of a life and commitment that I perceived as real. At 62 I am at a crossroads in my life and trying desperately to hold fast to perspective. As a Sex Therapist and Psychiatric NP I realized their was little hope for him but I attempted to best the odds only to find what I knew to be true has come to fruition. The Cerebral Narcissist with antisocial pathology -a master of deception – no more.
brittanyJuly 10th, 2014 at 10:46 AM
My husband showed no signs until two years into our relationship. His problem is not cheating its using me as what I like to call his sex slave. He wanted to see me have sex with other men and women and swinging. From the start I freaked out pleading for him to stop. He would have me go to stores, bars, restaurants to try and get contact info to arrange sex. We have three children. I’m a christian woman and independent until this man I call my husband changed my life . In the beginning I was enoughmy family never goes without.We have quality family time go to Disney showed me a life I dreamed of. My mother is in prison for prostitution and sales and manufacturing of meth and my dad lives his own ife, I was raised by my grandpants in a home with drug addicted uncle who schizophrenic and big polar. My uncle beat me, stole from my family caused constant chaos in my home till I left at 16 and met my next abuser my first borns father.two years later I met my husband when I was 7 months pregnant, he was a perfect gentlemen regardless off how much he wanted me never told me how he felt. He said he would just pray god would bring me to him. when my boyfriend denied I was in labor my daughters godmother sent my future husband to take me to the hospital because she secretly knew his interest in me. Beautiful right…. I love sex just as much if not more than the next. He joined the military 5years ago. As soon as he hit boot camp he wanted me to find a women. That I could have relations with for when he got back from basic . I was against it and did not comply. He returned and I was enough for him. We then got to our first duty station and his desires became more disgusting.He wanted to drink my urine and although I felt it was disgusting I thought at least its just with me. He then proceeded to ask for more. He asked that I go without bathing so he could lick the filth from my armpits down to my privates,still disgusted I complied. I always told him I did not want to but persisted and even offered money for the acts. He even went as far as to make out with my nose and have me defacate on his chest and body. I always was uncomfortable and vocal about my feelings. He then started to use the web. Looking on sites and eventually I found out and became irrate. I would pray to god at the top of my lungs for him to help us, my husband would be scared as if god were going to smite him. Nevertheless he arranged for a girl I cried and begged but the girl travelled far and told me to get it together BC its going to happen. With my children asleep and no safe haven to run to I complied. From then on if I did not comply he became physical. It consumed me. I drank heavily regardless of my arthritis fibromyalgia and disc degenerative medications just to get through each day. Next duty station the abuse worsened and no one believed this accomplished man was capable of this. I was alone. I began to do whatever he wanted so my children weren’t exposed to the physical abuse. Finally I was desensitized to sex and was consumed more with anger and when he finally left on ddployment one time I had sex with men and treated them like my victims, unknowingly they enjoyed it. I tried to suppress so much and finally could not bare the thought if continuing my promiscuity, that was not me. It was immoral. I reached out to the only woman I thought could help and was his mother . He saw her and tears of humiliation streamed his face. He was so sorry to her and in turn to me . But obviously more for his mother.things were tense but still I slept with my husband like a normal couple should and conceived our third child. I was angry.I begged for our third but when I was ready to give up he asked me for our now third child he knew I wanted so badly. After the birth he again was unwilling to be compassionate that I had a c section an and treated me horribly. I survived right. After I recovered a bit he tried to have sex 3weeks after my cesarean section! Fast forward… when I was able to have sex he began to ask me to tell him the stories of the men I slept with while on deployment so he could masterbate. Finally he promises to take us to our native home Puerto Rico explaining it will be our honey moon we never had. To my dismay we spent the majority of the time with his family and only a few days with mine and all the plans we made to visit the touristic sites and resort we planned to stay never happened. One night his parents reluctantly said yes to watching the kids for a fun adult night out. All was great he was drinking I wasn’t because of my meds ended up in a strip club. He paid a stripper for a private dance I compromised said yes turns out it was so she could have sex with me! We returned home my trip was a disaster his parents criticized me for my poor anger. He never stood up for me and said she has just reason its my fault. No no he allowed them to disrespect me and I was at a loss for words because the truth would break their hearts and the perception of their golden boy. Mind you we found out his mother has breast cancer soon before leaving to Puerto Rico.I have a heart and cared but no one but 83and 84year old grandparents give a damn about me truly. Now I’m disabled and living with trauma. I want to leave but when I try to apply for disability what I have is not enough to qualify. If I divorce my children’s child support and my at home beauty salon is all I have. My husbands first sex addicts anonymous meeting is tonight,I’m tired of being here through his recovery, the promises he doesn’t keep . I swear to my god I have been fighting and being the supportive wife putting his career before mine but all that is iirelavent if the abuse continues. I’ll end up with my children in a womens shelter again because I had to go there after my first relationship. I’m not perfect I feel weak I got a double kidney infection 2mobths ago was hospitalized and after I was released I went home he wanted sex I fainted naked on our bed and he had sex with my unconscious body and I was in more pain than I had been in for weeks overtook pain meds because of pain and now I’m short. He’s f***ing up my life breaking me down….. anybody please tell me what you would do, please don’t be mean I’ve endured enough cruelty.
July 10th, 2014 at
Thank you for your comment, Brittany. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html
The GoodTherapy.org Team
AnnaAugust 3rd, 2014 at 9:00 PM
Is there anyone out there who has survived this and still with sex addict husband? I am so scared and just found out after 12 years. We have an 8 year old. From reading all of this, I should leave. He just admitted all of this to me and just started therapy. I knew there were problems, but nothing like this. He said no to therapy until I caught it on our phone bill. Wondering if he is just appeasing me by going to therapy.
MicheleAugust 5th, 2014 at 2:35 PM
I am so sorry this is happening to you. I know you must be reeling right now. One of the best pieces of advice I received at the beginning is to not make any decisions for at least the first 6 months. Give your self some time. It helped me a great deal to read books about sex addiction and partners of sex addicts. You might want to get a kindle or something similar! I strongly recommend you find a therapist to talk to…one that specializes in sex addiction. You will have a lot of questions and will need guidance as to how to deal with this situation whether you chose to stay or not. This is probably the beginning of long process of discovery for you and it will be overwhelming at the very least. Please take care of yourself and know this has nothing to do with you….this has probably been an issue he has been dealing with for very long time, in one way or another. I have learned most sex addicts have suffered a childhood trauma, one they may not even realize at the time the sex addiction is discovered. Patrick Carne’s is a great authority on sex addiction and has some really informative books that will provide a great source of information for you. I can not urge you enough to go to counseling yourself….and if you do not feel a connection with the first person you see, try another one. A licensed counselor is perfect, you do not need to incur the expense of a psychiatrist. Take care. You will get through this. Take your time. Breathe.
stuffinyFebruary 19th, 2015 at 12:39 PM
It’s so good to see the positive comments and feedback . sure some men / woman can’t change but some can if they want it bad enough my husband just was diagnosed with the sex addiction and we started counseling 3 weeks ago and he’s admitted everything and owned every part of it and desperately wants to make a change and make it forever and I truly feel like as long as he stays completely honest with me then we can work through this however and whatever it takes as a couple but once the honesty is gone there is nothing left to save. I’m hopeful that we will get through this but also prepared if we don’t..thank you for your positivety
TracyAugust 7th, 2014 at 8:50 PM
Reading through all of these posts has comforted me, reassured me that I am not alone. But, I decided to post (I have never posted on a site like this before) because I want to knock the angel and devil off of my shoulders (the ones shouting “Stay” “Leave him” “Stay” “Leave him”). I don’t want to listen to them anymore, they will never agree. I want advice from YOU, the people out there who are like me and know my pain, fears, struggles — YOU know how I feel.
I have been married for almost 21 years and have 2 precious children, my rocks who keep me grounded on this rollercoaster that I am on even though I never got in line to ride. My children are the only reason I am writing this, they are the only reason there is even a choice to make. If it was not for them, I would have left years ago.
My husband is addicted to porn and masturbation. It reared it’s ugly head 15 years ago when I discovered strange charges on our phone bill. He said he was sorry, was just curious and promised to never to it again. Dumb me… I actually believed him. Well, over the last 15 years I’ve caught him over and over and over and over. He’s very tech savvy and was always good at deleting his tracks. But every once in a while he would slip up, which brought about another flood of lies, tears, pain, and promises. The hardest thing for me has always been the lies — there have been so many lies.
About 2.5 years ago, I was prepared to file for divorce, but he begged me not to. I stayed (told him I was staying for our children) but told him that I was done and if it happened again, I would leave and take the children – no more chances. Of course he wouldn’t risk losing me and the children!!! Dumb me – again. I caught him looking at porn 10 months ago. I was completely done – that was it. He FINALLY admitted that he is an addict.
He has made progress since then, hasn’t looked at porn in 10 months. (I made him take a lie detector test because, of course, I can’t believe him). I guess he was scared of the test because another flood of lies came out right before it. He passed, thank goodness.
OK. Time to knock the angel and devil off of my shoulders. PLEASE share your thoughts with me. Will I ever be able to trust him again? Is staying for the kids the best choice? Is it possible that he really has finally beaten this? After looking at that junk for 15+ years, will he ever be able to get those images out of his head? (As a sidenote, we have always enjoyed a healthy sex life — at least once a week, usually more). I have forgiven him, but I also know that I can never forget. Every time we have sex, I wonder what images are going through his mind. I will never be able to compete with those images. After all, I have beautiful stretch marks from carrying our children.
CeriAugust 9th, 2014 at 2:05 PM
I’ve been married for 18 years. we have two children. I’ve caught my husband 5 times over the years dressing in women’s clothing. Every time he’s said sorry it won’t happen again. Until last weekend, I went away for weekend when I returned found out he had spent £300 on stuff! I’m so hurt and upset. Told him it was over and he begged me to stay… So here I am not knowing which way to go! He attended sex addicts anonymous today, but what happens now??
JennipherNovember 11th, 2014 at 2:50 PM
How is cross dressing sex addiction? Is he acting out sexually, too?
MICKAugust 9th, 2014 at 8:26 AM
I met my wife in ’01 and we married in ’03. I thought I had found my soul mate for life. Although there was 14 years age difference (me the older) my world began to open up for the 1st time. We complimented each other’s knowledge and interests in the world stage and traveled all over the northeast. I was alive with happiness for the 1st time in my life. Then the sky fell 2 months after we married.
I came home from work early one day and had to do some up grades to our computers. She was away at her work. When I opened up her computer she had left her Yahoo account open and right there without needing to pry was a picture of her in a sexual setting being sent to some guy/s. What was even more shocking was she was doing this from her work place and I was watching it live with their back and forth conversation. WTF I said to myself and started copy/pasteing this and sending it to my own account for future reference in a divorce proceeding.
Well that was 11 years ago and after many repeated times of this occurance or simliar ones we finally parted ways. Yes I stayed over and over because my love and care blinded me to the point and belief that this was the last time. I am a proud man and can’t come to terms to label myself a “Victim” of a sex addict but terminolgy seems to dictate just that. The clinical definitions of a “Sex Addict” applied to her as if it had been written specifically for her. The co-depentant part matched me to a T.
When we split last October it was to see if we couldn’t work this out from a separated position and for the last time my hopes were she’d see that the grass may seem greener on the other side of the fence but when she got there she’d see it was still just grass. A month ago from this day I found her once again in a lie as to her where-a-bouts and this was the final end of things. Yes my being the “Victim” was over and I’m moving on.
This testament is like the last act I can convey and see in print that my life goes on and happiness is not a lost and forgotten event. Thank you for providing this forum to unload.
charleneDecember 13th, 2014 at 1:22 AM
Wow… can’t believe this could also happen with a man. I always label men as pigs, as my experiences dictate.
My current relationship is also the same, a man who is prying for sex everywhere and encouraging me to do 3somes. He is a good man yet he made me feel less of myself. I used to be self confident but now I felt so bad and unsure of how I will react. My life with him is full of activities, I really don’t know whether I shall go or stay
I’m happy you’ve moved on.
SharAugust 18th, 2014 at 2:11 PM
First of all, I would just like to say that reading through everyone’s posts has been very moving but incredibly supportive. I want to encourage every one of you in this nightmare and offer my love and appreciation for your openness and honesty.
On that note, I can relate. I was married almost exactly a year ago to my best friend of 2 years and a man I was so certain would be a kind, loving and faithful husband. We were 21 and way too mature for our age. We completed pre-marital couseling, shared a passionate Christian faith, and were open about our flaws and shortcomings. Well, one of us was. My husband is an extraordinary man. He is a brilliant and ambitious electrical engineer with a very prestigious job and all the opportunities in the world at his feet. But as it turns out, that only counts for so much. Up until four months after our wedding, I believed I was the only woman my husband had been with intimately. I was certainly his first and he had ‘forgiven’ me for having some experience before meeting him. Four months in, to the day, my husband was arrested for prostitution. The ‘prostitutes’ were cops and he was charged with a whopping class 2 felony (later reduced to a lesser felony). After months of legal proceedings, a $25,000 loan from his parents, and the unveiling of his experience with prostitutes, masseurs, strippers, porn (which I already knew was something he battled), and fantasies of every day women, I was TRAUMATIZED to say the least. Being honest, I am one of the most sexual women alive! I believe sex is a beautiful and essential thing in marriage and I would have gone out of my way to show him I loved him in that way. But no, my 21 year old husband was okay with having sex once every couple weeks. I was heartbroken and still am. I have been told I am a beautiful woman – I’m young, passionate, and loyal and still my husband would rather indulge himself in meaningless and, frankly, dangerous sex with strangers? I could not believe it. But of course, he cried and begged and cried some more, and I laid down my demands. After periodic strange behaviors, he confessed to a continued struggle with porn (by the way, why the HECK is that still legal? Have we not learned the consequences of such invasive desensitization?). So I guess his reassurances that he would quit was code for ‘cut back’…? Right. AFTER being officially convicted of a felony and being placed on probation, I recently find out that he is looking for stranger-chat opportunities online (which is against his terms – very smart) and has visited a strip club for lap dances and dance bars for possible one night stands (which of course, he ‘didn’t go through with’ – I’ll have to remember to give him a medal). I am too young for this! At least I really feel that way. I cannot IMAGINE the pain that could be caused by this. I mean, what if we had children suffering from his selfishness? Or what if he passes some disease onto me? I believe and always will believe that people can change. I also believe that showing love and mercy and setting a Godly example is the most effective way to inspire someone to want to change. But at the end of the day, they have to decide on it, right? I am moving out to do a ‘trial separation’ and cannot help but wonder the kind of fun he will get into without me always around. This is not what marriage should feel like and I cannot help but wonder even if I CONTINUED to stand by him, after he has intimately neglected my needs, traumatized me, committed every form of adultery, LIED TO ME (which has got to be the worst part), been convicted of a felony (that’s life-long!), and ultimately was not honest about who he was when we married, that maybe he will ‘relapse’ as everyone has mentioned. And no — I cannot live with that! NO ONE could live with that and remain healthy and truly intimate with their spouse! I am a Godly woman and could put up with all kinds of imperfections (like most people who truly love their spouse!) but Jesus himself said that a person could divorce their spouse for fornication (and boy has he mastered what that means). I have informed my husband that I love him and will pray for him and hope that he can call me someday with good news of recovery. But to all you women (and a few men) whose spouses have seemingly been that one-in-a-million sex addict to put their ‘addiction’ behind them, how many of your have experienced a LASTING change? I have forgiven my husband and hope he repents and makes a permanent change to his choices. But how can we ever know? I do not know how I would survive this without my relationship with God. After all, I believe He wants my marriage to honor Him — not shame Him. Any advice from anyone? I’m 22 now and way too young to be divorced but I’m way too valuable to waste my life on foolishness — just like every one of you is far too precious to not be loved and valued. Any wisdom?
garySeptember 19th, 2014 at 10:13 PM
He will relapse, once a cheater, always a cheater! He is desperate right now and needs you for the time being but this will pass as he will resume his addiction. Make a clean break and go on with your life. His flaw will haunt the both of you for the rest of your lives as long as you remain together. You will always be reminded of this as he will always have to list his felony for employment or placed on a national sex offender list which you will be associated with. Find someone who will respect, worship and adore you and most importantly value your livelihood not subject you to a life thratening condition such as HIV or a permanent contagious STD. You are young and will find love again. God bless and best wishes as my heart feels your sorrow.
JulieOctober 3rd, 2014 at 4:57 AM
RUN!!!! Run as fast as you can , and never look back or doubt yourself on that decision!
I have been in a relationship for 3 years and I came to realize my partner has a fiercely addictive sexual appetite.
I have tried to stand by him and hold true to our love. But the truth is , it came to a point where I was feeling “less than ” because of his inability to curve his obsession over sex. Even while I tell him how much it has affected my libido in a negative way because I can’t be used as a sex machine 5,8,10 times a day …or more if I let it happen .
I kept putting all of this to the side line trying to accept our sexual differences ( even though I had considered myself to be of a very healthy sexual person till I met him.
I had started to realize how low feeling about myself over time. No energy to do things around the house, it almost felt like I was depressed, but I knew it was over this issue around sex and his not considering my own needs in all of this .
I just had no energy for the excitement in life . As soon as I’d spend time away from him I’d feel better, then I’d go home to him and I’d feel worse.
He has to be accountable for his own actions and that has nothing to do with me. I am considered a beautiful woman and I have always felt full of life , but lately that has become a distant memory of the past. I started thinking I’d never want sex again if things kept going the way they were with he and I. That’s no way to live ….why did god give us life if he didn’t want us to feel “alive”?
Go live your life and embrace love and joy. Don’t sign your own death warrant because living with someone with so many issues is dragging you down . Let him figure out his own crap! Namaste
MomFebruary 11th, 2015 at 8:07 AM
I’m so sad to read how much this happens. You’re telling my daughters story. A relative Newlywed. It pains me greatly as a mom to see the agony of this betrayal. You’ve done a brave thing to leave. I’m hoping my daughter will realize that her husband is not getting the help he needs and will most likely not change. I want her to leave too.
BarbaraAugust 19th, 2014 at 11:02 AM
Married 23years husband sex addict I left got help codepend trauma depression IAM back home he went to therapy a couple of times says he has GOD goes once a week to the 12 step program first month he was kind caring been home 3 months little by little he start the angry attitude argues with everything I worked so hard to get healthy and I feel IAM going right back into the same baggage should I demand he get a Christian mentor and get into therapy our just get a divorce and save what I have left of my own soul
lilianAugust 31st, 2014 at 10:31 AM
Yes, ma’am. Go on with your life andar leave this man behind. Youre still alive. Not dead. Dont live wishing you were dead. Depressed. Its not worth it. Believe me. You will thank God later. Also get tested for all stds. I hope youre fine.
lost soulOctober 20th, 2014 at 1:35 AM
I’ve been married 28yrs and the last 3yrs have been a complete hell. 3 years ago I opened an email of my husband’s that he wrote to a woman explaining that I had had a hysterectomy and was No longer into sex and he was wondering if she was still interested in meeting, that’s how my nightmare began. We spend smalot of time together because husband is a truck driver that travels the USA. So every couple months I will find things that tel me that he’s texting/calling or maybe just maybe meeting up with prostitutes. Back in 2001 his dad got sick and died 3 weeks later of lung & bone cancer. Around same time his his buddy got him into looking at porn on online.I think that’s where this all started.my husband is a good guy but seems that he has a type of sexual addiction and was told 5yrs ago he’s bipolar.I promised myself last time that next time I was gone. This has caused so much pain an hurt in my family. My husband has even involved my youngest son. He got caught again last Monday and I told him I was done. But he throw me a couple curve balls I didn’t see coming. He called and asked if there was anything he could do to fix us. I told him I didn’t know ( therapy ). He agreed…… He admitted he has a problem and needs help. He also ordered ( The proper Care and Feeding of a marriage ). I just don’t know if I should keep going like I was going to or if I should give this therapy a chance. I know therapys going to be a long haul and I think I need it just to get over the damage he has caused me.I’m scared of my future with him and I’m scared of my future alone. I don’t want to start over alone at 44yrs old. My children are grown so It’s just me. I feel so alone.
JennipherNovember 11th, 2014 at 2:39 PM
I’m so sorry. I feel the same way. Afraid to leave and afraid to stay. I am close to your age with two sons in preschool. I do not want to be a single mother. He is seeing a very expensive counselor who only works with sex addiction. We shall see. It’s a rough road. I’m depressed.
BarbaraAugust 19th, 2014 at 11:17 AM
This barbara again how do you get over the lies when the same way of what he did is still there. same kind answers when he doesn’t answer his phone his anger is still there. your suspicions come back. I feel I AM going to live this all over again unless he takes a lie detector. how can you live with a monster who fully doesn’t know how to change not only the sex addiction but the narcissiticemotionallydestroying personality which I believe is the part that almost destroyed me. but here I am again please GOD help me
PawelSeptember 6th, 2014 at 2:15 PM
After reading this blog post I have a question- can a person be termed a sex addict even if he does NOT look for sex outside marriage (he doesn’t masturbate too)? Is that possible?!
Can I be addicted to my wife?
I was secretly giving my wife a half of sleeping pill to make sex with her better (after that she more open for new things)… I am on individual therapy and we going to another therapist together. But they say it is propobly not sex addiction! Then what is it?
ThesupernovaNovember 23rd, 2014 at 6:28 AM
You married the wrong person for your sexual appetite. If this is extremely important to you then either she needs to open up or you need to move on. It’s like marrying a vegetarian but expecting them to enjoy meat once in a while- probably not going to happen.
ACSLSeptember 25th, 2014 at 1:22 PM
That’s a good point Geoff. I want to tell my story from the other side. I watch porn now and then, like normal guys do. My marriage fell into a rut over time – not becuase of porn, and i eventually got into wecam sites. I’m a nice guy and one particular model who caught my eye, also developed certain feelings for me too. This was before I sent her gifts. We did nothing sexual as she could not do it in front of me and i could not treat her as an object…but those hours i snuck away to spend time with her was the happiest I would feel. And I know it filled a void in my life that my wife and kids weren’t providing me. I still love my wife and kids, but that doesn’t mean that i’m a fulfilled person.
DebOctober 5th, 2014 at 6:12 PM
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I truly appreciate your efforts
and I will be waiting for your further write ups thank you once again.
Sophia41November 8th, 2014 at 8:19 AM
#15 “A Selfish Man’s Wife”:
How sad to have known someone so purely evil! I’m so sorry to hear that you had to endure a person like that!
Unfortunately, those kinds of people are being rewarded socially with such detrimental websites like “Ashley-Madison.com” etc. Those cheating websites and how people have FACILITATED cheating and deceit, is just as pure evil! It is the nadir of humanity!
I agree that these people SHOULD STAY SINGLE, but when it’s that kind of intentional cruelty that REQUIRES them to “hide behind the wife”, and they will NEVER CONFESS it to themselves. The type of person you describe is a pure psychopath/sociopath who FEEDS his own empty soul with lies and deceit that will NEVER satisfy him because HE is so empty (and how scary to think their are women who are that way too, intentionally enticing married men they are attracted to AWAY from their families, instead of helping the lost person BUILD back what was missing in their marriage.
Those kinds of people have been rightfully labelled as sexual predators, manipulators, and lady’s men, to name a few accurate labels.
I feel sorry for the women they trap. Several tried to get me into that same snare at vulnerable points in my life, but as long as you trust your gut instinct and run away ASAP, and NEVER LOOK BACK, your life will be better without them! I suspected each time that they had “conned” me, and I was right. There are just some REALLY sick people in this world, and MANY of them are in top positions in government and society BECAUSE they are so sexually and otherwise ruthlessly aggressive. These are extremely dangerous people who chew others up and spit them out, because they know themselves that NO ONE could satisfy that empty part of themselves they justify with USING AND ABUSING OTHERS!
And they are SO charming and conniving …and their lies are SO PERFECT, as if rehearsed over and over in their heads about “how much they love you, how you are the world to them, how there is “no one else in the world who has ever made them feel like that” …how they easily forget to fulfill their own sick, greedy cruel agendae!
The irony is that they CANT stay single, nor can they marry like partners, because the dynamic just doesnt work that way. They can only be in a situation where the justification can be more easily placed on the victim/innocent other/target.
THAT is how people like that think of their “significant others” is, “How malleable are they and subjected to my control?”
Otherwise they usually see people as worthless, unless there is “something the other person can do for them” or worships the, or turns a blind eye to what they really are.
That is the ONLY value in their shallow souls, yet they will forever lie to themselves, and the ones they claim to “love”, absent of any profound sincerity or intent.
RachaelNovember 15th, 2014 at 11:34 AM
My life has been turned completely upside down in the last 24 hours. It has come to light that my husband of just 3 short years has been unfaithful. To make a long story short I discovered just yesterday, after months of suspicion, several active Craigslist posting offering himself up on a silver platter. Fully exposed pics with his phone number on display and the offer of money to get the job done. Upon confronting him ofcourse he denied and denied and now the explanation has turned to I’m doing it just for the excitement of the chase, just to chat and exchange pics. I know he has a problem but now his problem is my problem. I feel crushed, broken, hurt and so so small. How do I trust his latest excuse? Does it even matter at this point if it was more? Help me please, feeling so lost.
BarbaraNovember 22nd, 2014 at 1:24 PM
My world too has been shaken up. Husband of 28years loves porn and masturbates. Downloaded picture vaults. Vpn and connections optimizer on his phone. Uses wi fi. I am so hurt and lost.
ThesupernovaNovember 23rd, 2014 at 6:38 AM
Me too with the Craigslist Causial Encounters! My husband came clean immediately and has been completely open to answer ANY question. It went on about 21 months. 18-42 year olds (he is 41). I was able to verify 9 charges for hotels on his credit card but there were probably way more. Sometimes he paid for sex. Some of the women were pregnant. He gave oral and specifically seemed it out.
Even with him being completely open, telling me he loves me and that he’s sorry constantly, and seeing a therapist, it’s still impossible to forgive. He started this one year after we got married. We were trying to conceive for christ’s sake! He was having sex with strangers while having unprotected sex with me. Discusting.
Heidi FNovember 25th, 2014 at 7:08 PM
Please don’t walk, but RUN from this man. I wasted 25 years with a man just like this. He will lie to you and tell you everything you want to hear. You will believe him (but know the truth subconsciously). I know you will probably not listen to my advice, as you want your family to work out. You want the dream of you and your husband happy and in love. Sadly, you will probably not leave him, and sadly, his bad behavior will continue. I guarantee you it will. He will just be sneaker about it now and you will always be on edge afraid to trust or believe him. It’s a terrible way to live. Men like this don’t change. I wasted over 25 years with mine. Life is so much better without them and their lies and constant pursuit of sex with others. He doesn’t deserve you. He doesn’t respect women. Just read the beginning of my post to him. If he is a narcissist or has a sex addiction, he won’t like the truth I’m sharing with you. True to their woman demeaning personalities, he will tell you any number of negative things. When he is through with that, please tell him that I am none of those things. I am actually the happiest I’ve been in years because I’m free of all of the lies brought into my life from a man just like him. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Wish I would’ve run to it long ago! Be strong, trust your instincts, value yourself and run! Take care!
PatriciaJanuary 23rd, 2015 at 7:03 AM
Spot on Heidi!! Your advice and knowledge is 100% true! After 35 years marriage and discovery 10 years ago- my divorce is almost final. I pray all the ‘newbies’ believe us. So hard giving up on the dream, the man we loved, the intact family , growing old together, grandchildren together ….
CheyenneDecember 23rd, 2014 at 7:46 AM
Rachel, I found my husband doing the same, craigslist ads, responses to ads, pictures of his genitals in his phone that he took to send somewhere, text conversations with 20 year olds (he is 44) until 3am, dating website profiles. … and he says he “doesn’t know why” he does it. .. it’s really hard to feel like this is not my own fault, but I think with support and knowing we are not alone in this it helps a little bit. Have you decided to leave? I’ve been with mine for 8 years and still can’t imagine a life without him. .. and don’t really want to. .. when is enough enough?
ThopNovember 27th, 2014 at 4:42 AM
I to have been sucked in by a man like that. When we first started dating he was a spirit fill man. When to church, taught Sunday school. After two years he told me that he and his brother had sex. I was sick. He I though I have this perfect wonderful man. The next thing that followed was the lifestyle. Well
I was a one man woman and I did not like this idea. Because I loved him so much I though I would try it. Next thing that happened he is screwing around with other women. One that was also married. You see he owns a garage and when a nice looking woman came in he be in the bed with her. Next I find out about screwing nearly every secretary, one I actually watched his seduce her in his front office. Later found nude pictures of hundreds of woman. It was so sick. Like his trophies. Nearly every year out of 10 years together he screwed either male or female. Last he took his newest victim to our camper and screwed while I stood out side listening. When I found this site and started reading , I came to real it he has a sickness . His own Mom said she caught him and his bother when they were younger in the hay. Before she died she told me she feared her son would die a lonely man cause sooner or later 20 and 30 years old would have his number and not have a thing to do with him. So I made the decision tonight, I can’t love him any more and this is it forever.
Allie N.December 4th, 2014 at 10:22 PM
After 41 years of marriage with this man, I discovered he had a secret life of obsession with hookers. I was crushed because I loved him and had stayed with him all these years because I loved him and also because I wanted our three sons to have a good life. Sadly the saying that goes “once a cheater, always a cheater” is true. I always desperately wanted to believe in him and ignored the red flags that popped up over the years. Finally when our sons were in their 30’s and married I confronted him and insisted on the truth and was blindsided by his admission of having used hookers, trawled the streets and dive bars, etc., since he was 18 years old – 3 years before we were married. I cannot describe how crushed that made me feel along with rage and fury – how dare he have so little regard for his three sons?
He launched into endless stories of his exploits and actually enjoyed telling me all about it, all the while he actually believed I would stay. I was 60 years old and knew I had to get away from this twisted narcissistic cheater. I agonized for two months about how I could leave him without my sons finding out who their father is and in the end he actually admitted his secret life to them and actually defended it, blaming my “inability to forgive him” for “breaking up the family”. Dear God, it almost finished me completely when I saw how hurt and blindsinded my sons were. However, four years later we are doing well and I am so incredibly grateful to be free and feeling like a real person. People make choices and he is now a sad old man spending the winter in Thailand, and I say sad because he knows his life is shameful and he’s taking advantage of young women. It breaks my heart that my sons have to face the fact that their father doesn’t give a dam about anyone. However, they are happy to see that I am free and living a decent life and I am incredibly grateful that I have family, friends and financial freedom. Seriously, if you can get away from a cheater, do it and understand that you are worth it!!
PatriciaJanuary 23rd, 2015 at 6:48 AM
Thanks for your post. It is totally true that these SA will never change. I’m glad your life is better. After 35 years of marriage and 10 years of support, hope and trusting- I’m done. They just get better at the lies and hiding their SA (actually it’s NOT an addiction but rather a bad habit/compulsion. SA is NOT even listed in the DSM!) It is a very sad, disturbing journey. And also sad that these counseling sites encourage positive results. There’s not one research based study that prices this!
AliceJanuary 11th, 2015 at 2:08 PM
It has been interesting reading these posts. Many sites about sexual addiction on the internet encourage you that you can save your marriage, but the vast majority of people here think differently. I moved out two weeks ago after discovering that my husband (who is a psychotherapist!) has been visiting BDSM dungeons on a regular basis throughout the time that I have known him. And when he married me, he said that he wanted to show me what a good man is like (he knew that my father had cheated on my mother and that left me wary of men.) He always used to say about his body “It’s all yours; it’s only for you, etc.” What a complete asshole.
He would come back from visiting one of these places, I now know, and tell me that in ten years, he wanted me to feel that marrying him was the best decision I ever made in life. I now know that this is called “overcompensating behavior” and is common with sex addicts. Be careful what you believe — they know how to say all the things you have always wanted to hear. I was really swept off my feet by his promises of lifelong love and fidelity. And guess what?
The sex has been great! I loved it — I could see he was experienced and skilled in bed, but I never thought there was a sinister reason why that was so. When I made the awful discovery, he told the most horrible lies about where he was. i ended up making phone calls to find out that he was lying. That was the worst part.
Also, just before I moved out, I overheard him telling one of his friends on the phone that we were separating because “my wife has jealousy issues.” So he lied to him and maligned my character rather than take responsibility for his cheating. He also said he didn’t consider it cheating because he had no relationship with “the girls”, and it was just “a tension release.”
SBBMay 30th, 2015 at 6:55 AM
Thanks for sharing your story, it is very similar to mine, though we haven’t divorced yet I did leave for a short time, hoping that he would know I mean business this time(after 26yrs) of course when I came back he was reading, attentive etc. now I can already see he is sliding, less reading etc. and yes funny thing is these men constantly look for ways to be better in bed!!? Wow and the fact that their relationships are totally in shambles makes me wonder why!??
DianaJanuary 14th, 2015 at 5:41 PM
I found out my husband had a sexual addiction and tried to work with him. I forgave all of it as he said it was my fault and the was jealous of my relationship with my grown children from a prior marriage. I gave the man a clean slate as I tried to feel what he was going through. We got involved with a program through church “Celebrate Recovery” I thought we had a new chance and I put him first in everything. 2 1/2 years later I caught him on the phone with a prostitute making a date. His addiction was so involved that the had fantasy and reality crossed. The man is a mess but it wasn’t my fault as he stated… he was using that to avoid the situation and divert it from himself. I see it now and he had gotten into porn at a young age evidently. I don’t hate him but can’t live the lies and deceit any longer. He has issues that are way out of control and need addressed.. but bottom line the man needs help and does not see it as of yet. He said he didn’t love me which made the divorce easier for me to pursue, however a marriage does take two and if one party is NOT receptive to it…. well you have nothing! He also said he did not want a divorce, I don’t get it but it must be part of the sickness. I just did not want to wait til he raped someone or heaven forbid… molested a child. This is a very serious addiction not to be taken lightly by any means. I do hate what he has done to the marriage and himself… not to mention the hurt I went through in the process, but I became a much stronger person out of it so not all was lost. We were married for 21 years and most of those years I spent wondering what was wrong. I still don’t get it but I try to understand it because there is so much of this out there that it can not be ignored… which is what I did for years, not knowing what I was dealing with. The addict becomes very good at hiding and lying their way through life that by the time their spouse gets the picture, it’s often too late. I look at it so differently now but hate what it does to people and their families. I have a very supportive family and I was actually retired when I found out the extent of the problem. Actually I doubt that I do know the extent of the problem even now. I am now divorced and still pray he gets his life in order. However the addict needs to stop blaming everyone around them and focus on what the true problem is… they usually can not do this. I hope I can help others not to go as far as mine went without getting GOOD help. A good church is a great start and I would have gone crazy without that… but it takes two and my husband was not ready and may not be for years to come. I was so afraid he would get arrested before I could divorce him, it wasn’t funny. I do feel that it not a matter of if he gets arrested but when. I don’t truly see a good outcome unless the addicted person truly wants help… most do not.
TatyJanuary 16th, 2015 at 7:05 PM
Don’t waste your time and money. Selfish jerks will never change, a liar will always be a liar. My husband rather jerk off than having sex with me, he is a selfish idiot that only wants instant violent gratification. I’m so disgusted, this is all my fault I picked him
PatriciaJanuary 23rd, 2015 at 7:14 AM
I am about through my divorce after a 35 year marriage to a SA. Of course he already has a ‘new’ victim. There is zero jealousy but I so feel for this woman who is totally clueless and taken no doubt by his charming personality. I’d love to anonymously alert her to what she’s up against. Ideas how to do this so I can never be linked to her finding out? Would like to spare this poor woman!
SBBMay 30th, 2015 at 6:47 AM
Patricia, I would tell her immediately, the truth is she may or may not share what you tell her with your ex, however by the info you disclose to her she will know that it’s true I mean “why” would someone make up something like that. Maybe she will take your wise advice and run! Funny thing is it seems that one thing we all have in common is that our spouses are all very charismatic and likeable guys…. So sad for the women coming behind us! Good for you that you have decided to leave that life behind, I’m struggling with making that same decision after 26 yrs. or should I say I’m struggling with feeling and knowing that I have lost 26 yrs for someone I never really knew. Good luck to you! None of us deserve this!
PageJanuary 23rd, 2015 at 11:27 AM
I discovered my husband is a sex addict when his third affair (primarily via sexting) came to light. He entered inpatient treatment and is now fully involved in recovery and Like many sex addicts, he has a significant trauma in his past (childhood). We are currently separated, even though he is in recovery. Has ANYONE had a successful reconciliation with their sex addict spouse?
JenJanuary 30th, 2015 at 4:32 AM
Hi, I can feel the deep, indescribable hurt when I read your posts, as though the discovery of my husband’s SA was yesterday. It’s been a roller coaster, but with God and our own hard work we are still together, more fulfilled than I thought possible. It takes two people, committed to recovery and with a LOT of grace.
AnnFebruary 5th, 2015 at 9:58 AM
Glad to hear Jen that you and your husband are working through it. I am at the beginning of that path. Ive been married 13 years and during the time my husband has always been addicted to porn. Ive dealt with it, tolerated it for a long time. We’ve endured a lot of hardships in our life, particularly in the last year. Then there was an unexpected turn, I myself became a sex addict in the past seven months and began seeking fulfillment in the personals of Craigslist. Since, I’ve come to see the error of my ways. I’m guilty and ashamed and disappointed in my actions. But now my husband and are seeking counseling and I hope we will over come this. In the end, I think its about the individuals willingness to change and make amends. It won’t be a perfect life but as long as there is that effort for persistence in improving one’s self, I believe that is the hope that can make a difference.
AndiFebruary 11th, 2015 at 10:24 AM
I too am stuck with the battle in my head to “stand by your SA husband”. I discovered my husbands chat room archives that revealed 5 years of chats. They were interactive cybersex chats. He exchanged Skype addresses with some and others I read what was going on. He would make sure they could see him and they’d tell each other what to do. I feel I only uncovered the tip of the iceberg. He told me it’s been happening for 15 yrs. I do have some empathy for him to the fact that he is ill, but I do not believe that it’s fair to me and my 17 month old daughter to live a life waiting for a possible relapse. And also, I have a daughter…and she’s only getting older. I fear for her. He is not only a SA but also addicted to marijuana. He works out of town 75% of the time. How could I possibly trust he won’t relapse. He has been miserable for the past 2 years and since I discovered why, I feel that I don’t even know him. I’ve been lied to and manipulated. I can’t wrap my head around who he is, what the truth is, and how I could possibly go back to him. I fear for my future and my daughters. I’m going to therapy but nobody seems to have the answer of what to do. He will have access to my daughter. If I tell him it’s over I don’t think he will continue treatment. I can’t let him be with my daughter in that state. But I deserve happiness too. I feel I can’t be with him. It’s so hard.
BarbaraFebruary 19th, 2015 at 2:36 PM
A “Selfish Man’s” wife hit the nail on the head. I got together with a sex addict and found out nearly two years later that he lied about everything and he came clean with his addiction. However, I was left with an STD and am now fighting for my cervix. Ladies, if you enjoy obgyn colposcopy and cervical biopsies…by all means, carry on. I say, be a real woman and leave for a better relationship. These people are narcissistic animals who will suck the life out of you. You’ll take years to recover from the trauma – why allow it to go on?
AndiFebruary 19th, 2015 at 10:35 PM
Wow Barbara. I’m so sorry to hear about what your SA partner left you to deal with…both emotionally and physically. Thank you for your short but effective post. You hit the nail on the head about with the “narcissistic animals”. I hope posts like these keep coming in. I don’t understand how a woman (or man) could stick around in these kind of conditions. It leaves me to feel like I’m supposed to stay and work through it…but I don’t want to.
patriciaFebruary 22nd, 2015 at 12:37 PM
So sorry for all of you ladies – there is such a common thread with all of us, although we would all like to think and believe that ‘our’ husband is different than all the other SA’s-and that he will be the one that will change. Sadly, you’re smoking the hopium if you believe that. Remember , you didn’t cause it, you can’t fix it, you can’t change him… In my value system no trust = no marriage/relationship- a very tough nut to crack if you love him. They will look you in the eye and lie to you unless you have concrete proof. There is a wonderful support group where you can interact with other women in the same situation, who are in the middle of it, who are trying to make things ‘work’ or who have moved on from their SA husbands. They will support you, share their experiences with you and not judge you. Hopefully it won’t be deleted by the therapists who run this site. I can’t understand why they wouldn’t want to supply as much help and support to all of you ladies out there? Hugs to you all.
sisterhoodsofsupport then .org
TiaFebruary 28th, 2015 at 4:10 PM
My husband just walked out on our nearly 13 year marriage and 3 children the day I busted him sexting with someone while in a hotel room that he stayed in because I needed time to trust him after I discovered he was online doing sneaky things behind my back, I told him I couldn’t sleep with him and be at risk again, so instead of being understanding, he left. Only 6 months earlier I discovered that he was a hard core porn addict and was unfaithful with a man and a prostitute. I had been sleeping with him for several months with no knowledge of his infidelity…and he only admitted to it twice. I am certain it was so many more. I saw his counselor and told himfof the texting
TiaFebruary 28th, 2015 at 4:23 PM
And the counselor handed me a phone book and said, get a good lawyer. This man is pulling the will over all his “Christian” accountability friends and he lied to his own counselor. When be left me and his children, to have a guilt free sex life I presume, he blamed me, even went as far too say I was boring in bed. Truth be told I wanted an exciting sex life, I begged him to be intimate and often cried myself to sleep from the loneliness but he was into porn so badly he actually had ED. He will never really own what he did to me or his family. He threw us all away for cheap sex. These are mentally ill people who need a therapist for years and should never get married. You will never, ever fix them. I prayed for our whole marriage he’d change but the lies and gas lighting never stopped and now that I caught him red handed, I am the manipulative one that he no longer loved or needs. Strange, only a week before he left he told me how in love with me he was. It’s all BS to keep you in the dark. It’s sad but you are in for a life of pain and hell with these men…run, don’t just walk away. Your years won’t end with them. And when you think the pain or lies can’t get worse, it can and you will be alone with only the memories of a man who didn’t know what love and commitment was. Run.
FranMarch 5th, 2015 at 6:17 PM
I’m numb. I’ve been married for 36 years. 5 years ago I found out about an affair. Not a clue in the world. Over the next 6 months I found out more and more and more., final count was 30+ women. Keep in mind I found vs he volunteered. I started having panic attacks 6-10 a day for weeks I was diagnosed with PTSD I lost my job , my home ,and my 401k in the process of recovery. Multiple Christian Counsellors. Church elders and friends said he could change so I stayed. Now it’s 2015 and I just found out after 5 MORE years of therapy that there’s more. 100’s of prostitutes. Daily masturbation. Porn etc. I finally packed his bags yesterday and helped him set up his new apartment. We are finally done. 4 daughters and 11 grandchildren and this now defines the last 36 years of my life of lies. NOW WHAT??
SamMarch 6th, 2015 at 10:11 PM
My husband is constantly telling me how much he loves me and what a great wife I am. He does not know that I have found at least twenty texts/calls to escorts over the past few months. I am meeting with a lawyer next week to get advice. am doing the right thing, correct?
JayMarch 7th, 2015 at 5:06 AM
Three months ago, I decided to seek help from a therapist for my addiction. I had come to a point where the two parts of my double life were coming together, for some reason, and it dawned on me that I was destroying my life, my marriage, and possibly my children, because of my addiction. My experience with addiction is that it’s almost a trance-like state that clouds the rational, decision-making process. My wife, over the years, has made various discoveries over the years, apps on my phone, email exchanges, but she never knew the extent of my duplicity, which had been happening throughout our courtship and marriage. Her most recent discovery, another email exchange which happened last Spring, made me finally tell her everything. I felt she had a right to know. I had spent too many years telling her half-truths, swearing I would stop my behavior only to continue it. I told her I was devastated, and that I had started therapy because I couldn’t live this way any more. I said that I wanted our marriage to work, even though I understood why this might be impossible for her. I wanted to start in a new way, with complete honesty, something that had never before existed in our marriage. I moved out. We have two children. This is never how I would have dreamed things would be, or that I could do this to anyone, particularly someone as lovely and empathetic as my wife, and as adorable as our two children. It’s so hard to explain, much harder than drug addiction and alcoholism. I can only explain it through this experience of double-ness, a disconnection that somehow allows the addict to rationalize or deny to themselves what’s actually happening, as if you’d been sleepwalking for years, and you suddenly wake up after you’ve walked off a cliff. I can only imagine how difficult this would be for a spouse to understand. I don’t know if our marriage will be able to continue, but I do know that this must have been the only way, that this experience has forced me to face the sides of myself, indeed feel the deep pain that I’ve been carrying around since I can’t remember when.
SamMarch 8th, 2015 at 6:54 PM
Thank you for your honest comments. He has always known that adultery is a deal breaker for me. we have been married for thirty years, and I susoect he has been “visiting” escorts for a few years . We have been through a lot of life and love. We have had our share of joy and sorrow. I always thought we could weayher any challenge together. I suspect at some point I will forgive him, as I know I will always love him, but I will never trust him again. Without trust, our marriage is over.
Good luck to you…
AliceMarch 7th, 2015 at 11:12 AM
Yes, Jay is right, it’s very painful for the addict.
That doesn’t mean that you should stay in the relationship.
You are doing the right thing by exploring your legal options.
When I learned how difficult it is for someone with this type of addiction to recover,
I made my decision to leave, and as painful as that was, I know it was the right decision for me. I was told that even being part of the recovery process can damage and destroy the partner because the disclosure can be so painful. A lot to think about.
tashaMarch 18th, 2015 at 7:57 PM
I been marry to my husband for 10 years and still counting. I discover his sex addiction 5 years ago. He left his phone at home and of course I snoop. That when I discover, he was living a double life. To make the long story short his lies got very skillful overtime. Getting another phone, taking money out of the bank so there wouldn’t be no trace, sleeping with these women at our house when I’m not home, involving with sex group on the internet and etc. He noramally target women with children and have very low self-esteem about themselves. My husband has a personality of Mr. Nice guy and is very charming. It’s very hard living with someone with sex addicton. The only question I have no matter how much I learn about this condition Is why? Why get marry when you knew this was your struggle. And why you marry me, you could of marry someone who is just like you. Anyway, he is taking a SA meeting. Sometimes he get relapse. Waiting for another relapse is really hard for me to deal with. There is a lot of programs out there but little hope for his recovery. How I expect him to love and to treat me right, when he doesn’t even love himself.
LisaMarch 20th, 2015 at 11:54 AM
I’m not sure what is going on. 2 days I found emails from CL the kicker. They were m4m invitations. I found them because he left his phone at home and a gut feeling told me to look. I’ve never looked before. The email was a conversation between and him and another guy arranging a meetup for that morning. When he called me from work I asked him about it. He said he never went through with it that he did drive to the guys apartment but drove off when it started to seem too real. He then went to a gas station to fill up the car and the time in the receipt confirms that he would have only had 5 minutes or so to spend with this guy. He had admitted to arranging other meet ups with both men and women but has never acted on it, he then admitted that he isn’t sure what is going on with him. He thinks it’s all about sex and nothing else. He wonders if he is a sex addict as he has noticed his behaviour is somewhat out of control and impulsive. We have small children, I work full time and we work opposite shifts so never see each other. I honestly thought our marriage was solid. We talk openly about our feelings. He hasn’t been defensive, rude or mean and seems genuine about wanting to get help, he’s made an appointment to see a therapist and has said I can have full access to his computer and phone. What do I do?
The human spirit is stronger than anything that happens to itMarch 22nd, 2015 at 8:19 PM
Ladies I am so sorry you are going through this. Trust your gut and trust in God that you do not deserve this and neither do your children to have to find a way to explain it to them. I couldn’t tell my boyfriends kids why he left me. I couldn’t tell his Mom, although she blamed it on my age! No one truly understands but you.
Someone wrote this earlier and they are right – they don’t see their addiction and behavior as wrong, it is like talking to a wall.
“This doesn’t make me a bad person” he would say.
They just clearly need help and I would move on if at all possible. It’s hard for me too. I so wish to call him and hear his nice voice.
He acts so innocent and I do believe they pry on people who are naive. Be careful.
All the best
The human spirit is stronger than anything that happens to itMarch 22nd, 2015 at 8:25 PM
It’s so funny when you think everything is going well and we don’t have such expectations like they do of us. Instead of realizing all that we do for them, it’s almost like they ask themselves, what can she do for me? It makes us feel like we are not enough because we are constantly under their wrath of questions. Don’t feel insecure! It is not us! It’s so hard to live up to their needs and the pressure it puts on us.
Nothing can ever satisfy them. It’s a problem with their own egos and a problem with them on the inside.
He told me he didn’t feel passion. He didn’t feel i touched him enough, had enough foreplay.
I came into his life and accepted and loved his two children, had sex whenever he desired to.. But that was his basis for leaving me.
He told me all the hugs and affection I gave him meant nothing because all he really wanted was to be touched down there, because that to him was how he felt and interpreted love.
But I told him you must understand how women show love and how men interpret love are different, and that I did sincerely love him.
He made me feel like I was not good enough and that I wasn’t making him happy.
LynnApril 6th, 2015 at 3:04 AM
Hi to all you beautiful strong women out there (and some men too)
My story is so similar to so many of you! The feelings of pain, hurt and betrayal are immense. I really don’t think I will ever truly get over the trauma of what I discovered. I had been married for 23 years, been with him since I was 16. I had never been with another man so I really didn’t know what to expect sexually. I thought our marriage was rock solid… He was fun, charming, a good dad, a good provider, my best friend! I thought we had it all! The only clue I had was that he was selfish with his time & money. Played golf, cycled, into photography… All very expensive equipment whilst I would spend very little on myself. Changed his brand new BMW every year & would never let me drive it! But I accepted these flaws as I would convince myself that nobody is perfect & at least he’s a loyal & respectable man!!!!!! Oh how wrong I was!
I was actually told by a fortune teller that my husband was living a double life! I didn’t really believe in that sort of thing, it was just a fun girls night out, but it planted a seed of doubt in my mind… She told me that i had a guide that was trying to tell me because my physical & mental health was in danger. She told me that I was not listening! I asked my husband if there was anything going on, that I felt like he didn’t show me much affection & always put himself first! He broke down in tears, got on his knees & asked how I could think such a thing… He assured me that he loved me with all his heart & there could never be anyone else…. Then he said he was concerned that I could ever think like that & convinced me that I was not thinking straight and maybe needed anti-depressants… He made an appointment with the doctor and actually came with me telling the doctor that I was having these unfounded thoughts & making unfounded accusations & that he was extremely concerned about my mental state!
Well, to cut a long story short. I was right! I started to snoop & one day when he’d been picked up in his friends car & looked for his spare car keys (which had been very well hidden) There I found a second phone…. Fully charged and full of phone calls to massage parlours!!!! I really didn’t expect that! I was totally floored!!!!
More digging & I discovered he was heavily addicted to porn also.
He cried & begged & told me he was ill and asked for my help!
I did!!!! We went to counseling sessions together but during the course of that, lie after lie after lie was uncovered… He was into vouyerism…. Sometimes it got so bad that I said I just couldn’t stay with him…. He told me he’d been sexually abused by his older brother which is why he was the way he was…… That turned out to be a lie too!!!
It got too much & I asked him to leave…. That’s when he became abusive, once holding a wine glass to my face, another time pinning me down on the bed & punching the side of the pillow…. He would wake me in the middle of the night and read a passage from the bible about forgiveness, telling me that I would not go to heaven unless I forgave him…. He told me that he thought he’d been possessed by evil spirits but now they’d come into me as I wouldn’t forgive.
The mental & emotional abuse I was now having to endure was Horrendous!
I am now divorced but the abuse carries on! It’s cost me over £20,000 in sols fees as I’ve had to take him to court twice for spousal maintenance…. He earns approx £100k & I earn £6k. We have two grown up sons and one still in school.
To all those who have compassion for the “sex addict” Yes. I have read and learnt that it is an illness…. Yes. I do understand how the sex addict can suffer! BUT it is nothing compared to the suffering & and abuse they bestow on their innocent partner. They will lie, cheat , minimise, justify & do whatever it takes to carry on with their filthy seedy lives, without so much as a thought for you.
If you have just discovered that your partner is a sex addict….. PLEASE DONT BELIEVE HIS LIES AND FALSE PROMISES….. No matter how much you want to…. No matter how hard it is to get away…… Do it!!!!!
God bless you and give you strength xxx
JDecember 13th, 2015 at 8:22 PM
Lynn, I wish I’d found your post sooner. I am also from the UK and my story mirrors yours right up to the domestic abuse. My problem is that I let it go thinking I was the problem and he’s become increasingly abusive to me so much so that I’m afraid to divorce as I think shared residency would mean my child would be at risk from harm. He has a very cruel streak.if you ever read this site did you manage to get sole residency of your kids and what about contact.
I don’t want any of his money-notjing he’s vidictive and he’d take it out on our child if I wasnt with them.
Would aporeciate your advice
CarolApril 8th, 2015 at 5:17 PM
My advise is if someone doesn’t care enough to actually genuinely do something to stop then consider leaving. If they make promises and you find that its more of the same lies, then leave. How long do you wait? We only get one life and I don’t accept that we are brought here to rescue, mother and make up for the pathology, character or issues that others have and that have the potential to cause great damage. Where is personal responsibility and choice? How many people have been abused or traumatised in childhood and don’t become addicts? How often is the term addict used as a label to cover and excuse all manner of behaviour that would result in dire consequences for most other people but is understandable as its addiction. Since when was pathological lying and cheating and manipulation and mind games and deviousness an indicator of love? I understand that leaving a relationship is extremely difficult and even more so when it seems like a forced choice, there is severe trauma, shock and betrayal to deal with on top of needing to make life changing decisions. I just cant fathom though how its ok to stay with someone who can relapse and say oh dear its my addiction again, who can effectively have an open marriage and relationship and claim that recovery is a life long thing so the partner just needs to understand that the threat of betrayal will always loom there in the background. That’s not healthy, its not fulfilling and its not fair or what any human being deserves. Where is the choice in that for the partner? What about their right to fidelity, loyalty, honesty, love, care and who takes care of them? All I see is a life half lived, and a surrogate mother/father for people who project blame, don’t do personal responsibility, have choice and CHOOSE to lie and sneak around and gratify self, knowing that they are hurting others. I see people who don’t value other people and relationships enough and how pray tell does one change what I believe is deeply ingrained, very narcissistic and selfish behaviour? I took the decision to get rid of the sex addict in my life. I will not live with a sex addict, I don’t want addiction in my life and I will not have infidelity nicely reframed as a relationship problem and nor do I regard myself as part of his problem and demise. I was told he had stopped sleeping around and of course he was in therapy etc etc. It didn’t matter what he said as his words are meaningless-he is a pathological liar and cant be trusted or believed. My guide? always the behaviour. The behaviour speaks louder and volumes more than any words or promises. His behaviour towards me didnt change. He still lied, made up stories, acted aggressively and erratically around me and my child, blamed me, was angry with me, no remorse, was intimidating and his behaviour escalated as he was found out now and what he was doing to keep a lid on this controlling, misogynistic abusive, anger fuelled, manipulative and devious side to him was now stripped bare for all to see. He didn’t like it and he didn’t like the notion of consequences for little old him who doesn’t do consequences and largely did what he wanted most of our life together. Their pain is a selfish pain, one born out of the discomfort of being watched, having to be accountable which they hate, and having consequences and perhaps having to give up something that clearly rewards them and works for them at some level. There is a lot of overlap between addiction traits and narcissism. I agree with kristines post that its just as likely that these people latch on to those that are strong, and intelligent and capable and hide behind these people. They use them, envy them, and take their very misplaced anger or issues out on them, failing of course to take their problems back to the true source and address their issues. They blame blame blame and project and deny and generally drag those who do care down with them if let. My daughter used the term crush, and I agree, they will crush the life out of you if let, suck it dry, bring you down with them and their addiction label can then be used to justify and excuse all manner of despicable behaviour….sure I am in recovery babe….its going to take years….in the meantime you sit and wait for me to choose if I am motivated to give up or will string this out for another few years etc. Don’t give them that control. I firmly believe that addicts condition those around them to accept lies, abuse, manipulation, and bit by bit strip away a persons trust in themselves, their intuition, their sense of self, their esteem and their world. My advice….get therapy with someone who understands the perspective of being with an addict and what life entailed, get well and back to yourself, get your kids the help they need and let them see that this is not only not good enough for them, its not good enough for you! Move on with life regardless and succeed in having a life, you can, they wont as long as they continue to be active, fake recovery, lie, relapse and procrastinate about recovery. That in the end is victory over this. If as one poster said they are to be pitied and used the analogy of people blindfolded with a gun etc etc…if they choose to remain active then they blindfolded themselves and they purchased the gun….no one else.
LynnApril 9th, 2015 at 7:42 AM
Excellent post Carol! I couldn’t agree with you more! It takes time to realise exactly what’s been going on in your life. You just can’t believe it at first and desparetely want to believe that your partner is different…. One of the ones that will “defeat” this so called addiction. I just wasn’t prepared to take the risk, he had destroyed our marriage & our family… He knew what he was doing but as you quite rightly said… Selfish & narcisstic…. These men can’t change, they are what they are!
CarolApril 9th, 2015 at 10:34 AM
It took me time to accept that the person in front of me wasn’t real, wasn’t who he made himself out to be and I was in huge denial around this. It took time to come out of it as we want to see the best, believe the best and alas there is the eternal hope aspect, he will change, he is different, he will do it as I and my child mean something to him etc etc etc. Its tough to realise that the only loyalty is to the behaviour of choice he used to self gratify and feel good about himself and get his fix. That comes first and all else somewhere down the line. There is a very narcissistic and selfishness at the core of this behaviour and addiction etc. We all know right from wrong at a young age and I firmly believe that its the doing wrong, breaking rules, sneaking around, lying and keeping dirty secrets, is just as much a part of the high and a part of the thrill and thing that makes them believe they are cleverer than the rest of us, important, in control and powerful. They operate outside the norms, don’t respect boundaries and largely do as they wish knowing that it is hurting other people they profess to love? and care about? It doesn’t matter if it has a label or not, its the impact on families and partners that counts and in the end at some point personal choice and decision making comes in to play….you choose to stop and do the work or you don’t….you choose to relapse instead of calling your therapist, sponsor or whatever support you have…..you decide to do something to another human being that strikes at their core and expect and feel entitled to have that human being understand and continue to support you and wait at home for you…..time to grow up and realise that the rest of us don’t get to do this and wouldn’t want to do it and wouldn’t get away with the same very distorted sense of entitlement. I also don’t understand why people get married or have children and don’t just take their behaviour and run with it, damaging only themselves. Is this the respectable cover? the safety net? or is it that there just isn’t the same high or fun when a person has free reign to sleep with whomever they want, and when the sneaking around element and deceit and lies are missing or unnecessary, well it just isn’t as much of a thrill, or as exciting as deceiving those around you…who of course you love so much….
LynnApril 11th, 2015 at 1:13 PM
Carol….You put it so so well…. It took me 18 months after discovery to leave as everything you wrote down was running through my mind…. But I had the constant manipulation & lies from my ex… Crying & begging my forgiveness…. Then there was the therapist we were seeing who was working on our marriage & telling me that through all of this he did love me…. Like you, I put it all together…. If he could do all that & still proclaim to love me & his boys….. Then that’s not the type of love I need nor deserve!!!! He can work on his “addiction” I was beside him since I was 16, loyal & loving…. He bitterly betrayed my love… He really doesn’t deserve a second chance and I don’t deserve the rest of my life worrying & wondering if & when he will pay prostitutes & catch some disease to pass on to me! For those therapists & supporters of the sex addict….please, please, please, think about what ur asking their partners to risk!!!! Their mental & physical health….. Nobody should have to endure this type of abuse & then somehow be made to feel guilty for leaving the relationship!
sharon hMay 3rd, 2015 at 3:52 PM
Help please and advise im in a complicated relationship a carer for a 46 male with frontalobe braininjury that is deviant on internet has active profile on dating sites and compulsive downloads of women and naked pics. how to approach this advise please help sharon
barbaraMay 27th, 2015 at 3:11 PM
Sharon..I posted to le a MOMENT ago READ my words I hope they help you .I have to stand. It will suck you down .I’m sure I could tell you many things YOUR feeling .going thru …my prayers.
leMay 20th, 2015 at 2:04 PM
I am knew to all this deceit so I guess I’m kind of in denial, so I think my therapist feels. It started when my I was dating my husband. We were both very unhealthy and there was a lot of verbal abuse from both and psychological abuse from him, accusing me of cheating or planning on it, lots of pleading and apologizing and justifying. He convinced me that I was the problem so I got counseling and anti anxiety meds. After I learned how to deal with things better he asked me to marry him. 5 months of a wonderful marriage and then comes to me with an email, from an old dating account he kept and I didn’t know he still had. He claims, an ex asking to meet up and he wanted me to know. First he couldn’t remember the password to show me then once in, he didn’t want me scanning through his emails. I noticed he had more than one conversation with her and others but was quick to close the email. I had him delete the account but later realized I felt there was more to all this. I asked to go through his phone and he was reluctant but allowed me. Found a private folder with explicit pictures of him another woman dating back 9 months, 12 days before asking me to marry him. He claimed they were from an affair with this woman while we were dating and got angry at me because we weren’t married and it didn’t mean anything. There was more psychology abuse to me over this incident. Since then he has lied on multiple occasions on prescription drug abuse and even though I saw it, he denies it. Recently, my credit card was stolen and used for a private purchase with a user id with my husbands name. Bank is calling it fraud but I don’t believe that. Same day a woman calls him and hangs up and he’s been caught several times on laptop or cell in the middle of the night with an explanation every time. Recently heard another cell phone ring tone in the house but couldn’t find it and he explained that away. My therapist says I have PTSD and very intuitive but how does she know this to be true. She says I don’t need the proof but I want the marriage I thought I had. Is he an addict? I’m struggling to decide if to leave without really knowing but I do know he lies and denies and still has not admitted to the multiple emails that I saw. He claims I’m ruining the marriage because I won’t learn to trust him and won’t stop looking for things to accuse him of. He convinced marriage counselor I have trust issues from the past, which use to be true but have worked through all that with my personal therapist of three years. One last thing, he is a 48 year old man who needs sex every other day and openly researches ways to please your wife online or make sex better for the both of us. I thought this was because he wanted to please me. Have I been blind all this time?
barbaraMay 27th, 2015 at 3:08 PM
Dear Mr..Reading your words took me back several years .I had been doing same funding emails .calls etc that he always had an answer for or turned on me ..That’s a part of what they do .distractions .projecting into you .to take the heat off them .that’s y who probably are questioning your sanity at this point ..I eventually hit the motherload..16 years of secrets. Even sex with one of my best friends .an attempt on another. His graphic Selfies on a fetish sex hookup site. Etc. I was completely destroyed by then..
You have full on sex addict on your hands.the more you start to read especially things with support for the spouse you will see your life jump off the pages ..how long you go on with it like this is up to you ..but I tell you from someone who would love to go back in time ..out ur foot down now. You have to be willing to give ultimatum and stick to it. Insist he seek therapy from a sex addict where they can easily diagnose him .though he fits to the letter .and where you go from thier is up to you..I didn’t have all this knowledge at the time. Sex addiction is has a ways to catch up with AA etc .but the knowledge helped a lot. To understand first that I wasn’t crazy living in the past always negative as my therapist calls living in ctazytown .if he’s got multiple women sites etc going at same time that explains how aggitation .his moods. A whole lot of things .he’s telling a lot of lies to a lot of people including you and having to keep who he told what to etc etc .just thinking about it sounds insane. .VALIDATION.YOUR FITST MOST HEALING MOMENT. WHEN YOUR COMMUNICSTING WITH OTHER WOMEN IN UR SITUATION AND U SEE YOUR THOUGHTS LIFE EVERYTHING UR GOING THRU JUMP OFF THE PAGE.YOU FINALKY REALIZE YOUR NOT ALONE UR NOT CRAZY WHICH THEY WANT YOU TO FEEL SO THEY CAN CONTINUE..whatever you decide to do .stay in therapy .thecwkunds run deep.ur self esteem identy alone is zapped.zero the pain is raw .but it gets better. I trusted mine with his promises for therapy. Which he lied thru all of it .in fact one month after moving into our new dream house I intercepted 2 women in same day which led to finding he had never stopped the last year n half. ..as I was told by addict themselves n therapist and spouses
IT WONT STOP UNTIL YOU MAKE KT STOP. U CAN HOPE DREAM TRY TO B MORE PERFECT ETC.BUT UNTIL YOU SAY AND MEAN IF THAT MEANS KICKING HIM OUT WHICH I FINALLY GOT THIER.
YES WE LOVE THEM.HOPE. BUT WE LOOSE EVERYTHING WE WERE TEYING TO CHANGE SOMETHING THAT WE CANT. WE CAN ONLY SAY NO MORE. IF UR WILLING TO WORK ON IT. IF HE GETS HELP AND FOLLOWS THRU.IT IS NOT EASY.VERY PAINFUL.IM KIND OF AT THIS POINT IVE PIT UO WITH THIS WASTED YEARSXN YEARS LOST ALL OF ME A TOTALL EMOTIOMAL WRECK.I DONT HAVE TIME IT WKUKD BE EASIER TO JUST LET GO.YES I WILL STILL FEEL PAINS OF HEALING.BUT I DONT HAVE TO KEEO DEALING WITH IT. JUST BECAUSE THEY START THERAPY DOESNT END IT.IN FACT ITS REALLY HARD YOUR STICKING UR NECK HEART OUT THIER AGAIN.THRU THIS PAIN..
DONT LOOSE ANYMORE OF URSELF QUESTIONING IF..YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR DEAMING WITH.READ READ READ. STAND UP THIS TIME. NO MORE. IM DONE..HOW U GO THEN IS UO TI YOU AND HIM.I WISH U THE BEST.REMEMBERVUR NOT ALONE. IF U FACEBOOK.THERE ARE SUPPORT GROUPS.NARCISSISM IS A STRING TRAIT IN SEX ADDICTS THERE ARE MANY GROUPS ON THAT.ALOT THAT ARE PRIVATE CLOSED TO MEMBERSCONLY.
MY PRAYERSX. U NEED TO HAVE A SUPPORT SYSTEM.THIS IS A JOURNEY A LONG ONE BUT WORTH IT IN THE END.
SBBMay 29th, 2015 at 8:59 PM
I’m not a therapist, but he is definitely a manipulator! I can relate to much of your situation. I grew up in a family of verbal abuse and my husband is hot headed ESPECIALLY when he knows he is caught and feels like he is trapped! He then tries to turn all the problems towards me and being my fault. My husband has done the whole porn, dating sites etc. who knows if he has ever followed through with any of it but the point is when a man is in a relationship or married he has no business on a dating site! And as for the educating him self on wanting to please you or be better in bed, my husband also has always done that and like you makes me wonder who he’s doing it for since we have very little sex! After 25 yrs and tons of times of getting caught, etc I’m making plans to move on without him. Good luck to you and remember you didn’t cause his problem and you DONT deserve to be treated like this!
JeanJune 7th, 2015 at 7:20 AM
I need help. I ddon’t know if I’m even posting in the right spot. I’ve been with my husband for 7 years but only married for 5 years. Here’s my story. I’ll try to make it short but I want to make sure I put enough in so I will know what to do. When I first got with my husband he drank. He then went to jail and did AA. But when he came home he was addicted to pain pills. I sent him to rehab. They got him hooked on suboxone and xanax. Then he got hooked on meth. Then the firting with my friends started. Then I caught him staying the night with one of my so called friends. Then there were more girls. The Last time I caught him cheating was with my daughter’s friend. My daughter is just 17! My husband will be 36 in September. I’ve caught him 12 times in our 7 years together. He’s been staying on his phone alot here lately. So I’ve started checking his phone at night when he goes to sleep for a few hours. I checked his Google history and the things I saw have actually scared me. The porn he’s been watching is either 18 year old girls or under age girls. I’m scared and worried because I have a 16 and 17 year old daughter’s and I feel that if he’s watching these little girls in these ports then he’s looking at my babies that way. He has stated that he wants to go to drug rehab but be he says he’s not addicted to porn. He looks at it almost all day long. He will ignore my text when he’s watching it. He stays in the bedroom 24/7 and I stay in the living room. When he ignores my text that’s when I know he’s watching. I found a app to block the websites he visits most. I’m just scared when he wakes up that he will be mad. He has been abusive to me before. He’s been physical emotional and mentally abusive. If I’ve posted this in the wrong place someone please let me know. That you all. God bless.
June 8th, 2015 at
Thank you for your comment, Jean. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about domestic abuse at http://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-domestic-violence.html. and additional information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html
AngieJuly 5th, 2015 at 8:52 PM
I have been married for 13 years to a man who is a porn addict. I found out four years ago and was devastated. I kicked him out of the house. He agreed to go to counseling, but it did not work. He only went a few times and she attributed to stress. He told me had stopped, but in my heart I knew he had not. He was asleep the other night and I looked at his tablet where I found raunchier and more disgusting images and video than before. I am totally broken inside. I feel that I may never trust him again. I threw his phone, tablet and laptop in the pool. How do I get over this crushing anger to ever be able to help get some help?
JulesAugust 19th, 2015 at 6:25 AM
He may need a treatment center or therapy with porn addiction specialist. He should attend a 12 step group too. If he gets defensive he’s in denial and not ready to change. Don’t back down. He hasn’t hit rock bottom yet. See a therapist yourself who has CSAT training. And find a support group for spouses or spiritual group. It’s okay to live separately until you see true change. (Read the books: out of the shadows and my sexually addicted spouse). Him saying he’s stopped is not enough. Addicts lie. They are self centered. Their thinking is warped. He needs to consistently be going to groups and therapy with someone trained in sex/porn addiction. Get something like covenant eyes on the devices. No phones in the bathroom or bedroom. Stand your ground. This addiction alters the brain like cocaine and will lead them down a more shocking path of acting out behaviors. Draw the line and always trust your gut. My marriage started with the porn. The fights and put downs and minimizing I regret not giving ultimatums then before he moved on to real people, dating sites saying he just needed more of a “high”. Never saw it as wrong. Because years of porn altered his thinking and moral compass.
HeatherSeptember 1st, 2015 at 3:20 PM
I am married to a sex addict. We have been married for almost three years. I fell in love quickly but remember thinking how will I ever be able to keep up with the sex. We would have sex numerous times a day…he would even wake me up in the middle of the night for more. After a few months I learned he was with another woman the same time he had been with me, even though we both agreed that we were in a monogamous relationship. I forgave him but immediately had trust issues. Quickly I learned about all of the porn because it was so easy back then to find. He had a duffle bag of porn videos, pictures of him having sex with various woman, videos he took having sex with various woman, etc. I also learned about all of the dating website he was on and there were many. In some cases he had more than one username on the same site. he was actually on these dating websites a week before we walked down the isle, even “favoring” some of the woman. Of course I did not know this until we were already married. The porn continued but he became a lot smarter and all of his devices were on private mode. If I asked him about it he said he didn’t look at it anymore. LIES! I have caught him masturbating in the guest bathroom several times, even though I was a willing participant in the bedroom. It made me few so terrible about myself. Our sex life took a BIG downturn which again made me feel awful. He wanted a ton of sex, just not from me. When the Ashleigh Madison story came out, I googled his email and of course, he was on there. Earlier this week, I woke up and got on his phone and found his password list. I went through his Facebook archives and found out he had been talking to a TON of different woman and was meeting up them. I know for sure he had sex with two, but I am guessing there are many more I just don’t know about. He claims that was before we got married and once he got married he didn’t mess around anymore. How the hell do I believe a word he says? I don’t think I can forgive him. We have been to therapy twice and both therapist said he was a sex addict but he disagreed. After the latest shit I found, he agrees he has a problem, but I am not sure that I am willing to stick around to support him and get through it. I feel cheated beyond belief and feel like I didn’t have the special marriage I thought I did. I stayed at a hotel last night and came home today. All I want to do is leave again. Our families both know. I am 42 and this is my second marriage…how could I have been so mislead? I do not think I will ever be able to trust him again. The emotions I am going through are so up and down, which I am sure is normal. Not sure what to do now…
DonOctober 6th, 2015 at 3:46 AM
Male, mid-forties here. Not a therapist.
This guy is a lying narcissist who is beyond hope. He needs to hit rock bottom to change and you don’t need to be there when he does.
Forgive yourself for being fooled and get tested for STDs. No more sex with this guy. Ever.
Once you decide to leave, he may try to win you back with promises of change. His family or your family may try to convince you to stay. Don’t get sucked into this BS. Even if he tells you he’s suicidal (he isn’t).
You need to be all business about this. Let him cheat all he wants now. You’re through with him.
A decent man is out there for you. How to find him? Focus on developing yourself and working on strengthening your true friendships. He’ll show up.
Good luck. I know you can do this.
cathySeptember 3rd, 2015 at 12:28 AM
My husband is a sa
And very verbally abusive
In past has beat me up for no reason
Says hrs sorry but does it again .has had scores of Fb fake profiles
Four real life affairs
I’ve forgiven over and over
I finally left him
Moved out of state
He can only email
I went no contact
I love him deeply but
Can’t take no more
He lies to people about me
And falsely accuses me
He claims he won’t cheat again
But has secret profiles I found
Sifting thru Facebook
And I found out he likes men too
Not sure wat to do
Wish I did not love him
But I do
Chooses his friends and so called family over me
I don’t understand
September 3rd, 2015 at
Thank you for your comment, Cathy. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about domestic violence at http://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-domestic-violence.html and additional information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html
If you would like to consult with mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage, http://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area. If you’re looking for a counselor that practices a specific type of therapy, or who deals with specific concerns, you can make an advanced search by clicking here: http://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html
The GoodTherapy.org Team
cathySeptember 3rd, 2015 at 12:31 AM
Plz any advice
AshleySeptember 4th, 2015 at 12:42 PM
I just recently found out my boyfriend has a problem as well. But not with me. We have an amazing relationship and he is awesome with me. I recently found out though, for the past 12 years, [he does a certain sexual act with another woman]. He said he doesnt do this with me because he loves me, and he cant help himself. She is glad I found out and he doesnt want me to leave. I need to be pointed in the right direction!!
September 4th, 2015 at
Thank you for your comment, Ashley. If you would like to consult with a mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage, http://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area. If you’re looking for a counselor that practices a specific type of therapy, or who deals with specific concerns, you can make an advanced search by clicking here: http://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html
Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.
The GoodTherapy.org Team
KitkatSeptember 22nd, 2015 at 2:47 AM
I have read all these posts and am in the same boat. Intelligent husband. Cheated in the past. Did counseling. He’s a good father. Nice and committed to me. Compliments. Positive emotional support. 5 year fetish life person who actively seeks out others and also according to what I just found on his online account, hooks up with locals in this life style. I have read numerous messages back and forth. Caught numerous texts to random women. Said he’s never been with anyone else. On the site he told some woman he’s been with 9 people all unprotected. I don’t know what to do because of the kids. He loves them and they love him. And I can’t see a way to get away and feel like the kids will be safe. I love them so much. I am thinking of just pretending until they are grown. I don’t see another choice to keep them monitored and safe.
PaxNovember 1st, 2015 at 7:20 PM
Kitkat, I’m so sorry about what you are going through. I’m in a similar situation and have been for several years now. I’ve been pretending that everything is ok for my daughter but it’s physically killing me. I get weaker everyday. I am terrified of will would happen to my daughter if I leave and I’m scared of what will happen to me of I stay. I hope your situation gets better because I doubt that mine will.
YazzyDecember 4th, 2015 at 7:47 PM
I’m going through the exact same things. It’s heart breaking :( when you think you know someone and the love you thought they had for you is not even real its all a lie.
DebiOctober 22nd, 2015 at 6:00 PM
I knew my husband was no saint when I married him… But i never knew the secret web of lies he spun to cover up his internet hook ups and addiction. I feel so hurt and betrayed that I just want out. Im standing by him for 2 more moths.. I dont know why as I feel like a pawn in is chess game of betrayal. These individuals care for no one and nothing but satisfying an inner need to feel accepted. Its a rejection complex acted out in sexual gratification. One woman is never enough for them. he wants me to work through it but I cannot go on as he has lied and snuck behind my back multiple times. Im married and at 52, I ca honestly say I dont want anyone. Im very sad that I wasted my time on him. His primate impulses are stronger than his so called love for me. Planning my future now will be without him… Funny how empty his vows were….
JohnDecember 3rd, 2015 at 9:47 AM
I am a sex addict. I know I am. I am also an intimacy addict. I have been married for 20 years. I have become completely lost in it, and now my wife and I are on the brink of divorce after she discovered the extent of what I’ve been up to – not only the serious physical but also shocking emotional infidelity. We have 3 wonderful kids, we have both forged our own successful careers and our own businesses, we have built a happy home, and I now have to find some way live with the knowledge that not only have I ripped apart my wife, my wife’s love for me, my wife’s sense of herself, our home, our children’s future, and our joint future together, but also that it is me who has caused this and no-one else. The pain is unbearable for us both. What shocks me the most is that I don’t think I ever understood just how much my wife has loved me through everything until, finally, she has said that she has had enough, and can never, ever trust me again.
I am not writing this in order to gain your sympathy. I am writing this in order to tell you all that the only way that I can possibly recover – that I think any addict can possibly recover themselves, let alone a marriage – is to recognise that this is entirely due to me, not anyone else, and that in order to become the person that I can be – healthy, stable, loving, truthful, emotionally honest and open, open to pain and suffering and heartache and love – I have to fundamentally change and become someone else. Melt myself down and start again.
I used to blame my wife for the unhappinesses in her marriage: I used to blame my parents for my own unhappiness and pain. Therapist after therapist – including marriage counsellors – would encourage this view that I am the way that I am because somebody else made me that way. It’s very easy to pass the blame and pass the buck, and to duck the necessity of what needs to be done. I made my wife’s life hell, blaming her for any lack of intimacy, for her “not desiring me enough”, for her parents being too involved in our marriage and her not separating from them properly and being fully engaged in her marriage. Every time when she was in pain she took herself away to resource herself and to hold herself, because I proved inadequate to the task – for instance, during the miscarriages that she endured – I would blame her for withdrawing and be furious that she dared to focus on herself and her needs rather than mine. I focused entirely on my own pain, my own needs, and behaved like a spoilt child needing Mummy to pick him up and carry him.
We have been badly advised by counsellors and therapists, and – me being me – have managed to pull the wool over the eyes of quite a few therapists on the way through, dodging the work that I knew in my heart of hearts was there, but I was unable to commit to. I went to a 12-step meeting about 12 years ago, and it scared me because of the demands 12-step places on the addict that I immediately stopped and just went to “normal” therapy. Whilst in therapy, after my first actual physical (rather than online) infidelity, I committed adultery again and my therapist told me not to tell my wife, or to delay telling her. My wife had told me that the marriage was over if I did it again, so I didn’t tell her. And that started a terrible, terrible spiral. I could not be properly intimate with her because, in order to be so, I had to be truthful and open with her. I hid from her, and took my intimacy increasingly elsewhere, all the while blaming her for the breakdown of intimacy in our marriage. I was angry with her, I raged at her, I blamed her for everything, I took from her and gave precious little back. I was obsessed with not failing in my work and life and business, and could not see that I was failing her incredibly badly. She took on the bulk of the childcare, she increasingly took on the domestic load. I abused her love, and her trust until she could take no more. She became increasingly ill under the strain and I was still blind to what I was doing to her.
I sought more and more women to prop me up, to prop up my sense of myself. Women who would tell me what I wanted to hear – that I could be successful at what I was trying to do, that I was sexual and sexually desirable, that I was not what behaviour showed me to be. Over a period of 5/6 years I sunk further and further, becoming increasingly deceptive, seeking sex on sex sites online, finding women who wanted me, having cybersex, and eventually having a full-blown emotional and physical affair with an unhappily-married work colleague who was telling me what I wanted to hear and was “accepting me for who I am”.
It was that affair that was discovered when my wife went looking on my laptop. She found the poems I had written to this woman. And then, as she began to probe, she kept saying “there’s more, there’s more”. I cracked, and told her about everything. The deceptions, lies, the women. I fully opened my email accounts to her for her to read everything. I told her the names, places, dates of everyone I’ve slept with.
It was like having my skin ripped off. But for her, it was far, far, far worse. She had no idea of the extent of what I was doing and she is now trawling though all of the emails. Every single one is, I am sure, like a dagger to her heart. But she needs to know the full extent because otherwise, for her, she will always assume I am hiding something further.
I have now joined a 12-step group again, and have found a proper sex addiction counsellor, not a “find your own excuse for how you are” therapist. Before, I thought I was “too good for 12-step”. Now, I know that the opposite is true. I have hit absolute, total rock bottom. I have completely destroyed the trust of a wonderful woman who loved me more than I ever knew. I have come close to destroying my business and career because of the hours I spent trawling the internet for sex. I have ripped apart the family home.
Sex addiction is awful. Awful. On every single level. I am more deeply ashamed of myself than you can possibly imagine. I am not asking you for sympathy, or even empathy, but I am saying that the work of recovery – even just becoming a human being again – is the hardest slope I will ever, ever climb. Right now, I cannot see any future.
The GoodTherapy.org TeamDecember 3rd, 2015 at 12:16 PM
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RonJanuary 2nd, 2016 at 8:48 AM
John spread the selfpitty to someone else you won’t change until you lose everthing ..then maybe
JohnDecember 5th, 2015 at 7:48 AM
@Yazzy. I’m so sorry. I know what I’ve done, and I feel completely powerless. The only thing I can say is that your partner will still love you. They will just be, like me, lost in a dream for themselves. When they wake it up it will be a nightmare for them, and I know it is already a nightmare for you. The only thing I can say – the only bright thing in all this – is that once he or she wakes up, as I have done, then it is possible to change. You can’t change your dreams whilst you’re in them. You can only wake up, and, awful as it is, begin to do the work of making the changes that have to be made.
No wonder so many addicts like me try to stay asleep.
very, very good luck to you both.
MarieDecember 23rd, 2015 at 8:48 AM
I am still in complete shock to learn that my husband of 9 years has been having an on again off again affair for 3 years. It was with someone in his office who is also married and I discovered sexual messages and meet ups on his phone by complete accident. We were in therapy after I was literally ill and vomiting for days. When my questions didn’t stop and his answers weren’t making sense he finally spoke with the therapist and confessed that this was not the first person he had cheated with and he has also partaken in massage parlors on a few occaions and views Internet porn weekly, along with strip clubs occasionally. He also confessed to a online sexual encounter where photos were exchanged. These are just the the things I know of. We have 3 children together and the affair went on before, during, and after the birth of our third son. He has been taking many risks at work and had sexual encounters with this person even within the work place and several people know about his affair but he has never been caught as far as I know and he has an important status that I doubt anything would happen. The girl has been let go of her part time position. We have put many boundaries in place at the work place. (Open door policy, 2 girls present in a room at all times, no texting with him amongst coworkers, no lunches with staff etc). His manager keeps me informed of his whereabouts and schedule and he calls me during lunch. He has been meeting with our pastor at least weekly and we see a counselor together and separate weekly. He ended the affair with the girl over speaker phone with me and tells me the relationship was only sexual in nature and not emotional on his part but that she did have feelings for him and wanted more. He is also Scheduled to enter an outpatient treatment center for sexual addiction in a few weeks. It’s been only 4 weeks since I found all this out and realized that the person who held me to never even let me trip over a pebble has been lying and unfaithful for at least half of our marriage. I always thought he could have been a pastor and now I am learning that he is this person with “animal like urgers” as he puts it and would go in these binges when I was out of town until he got his sexual fix. He chose women he would never date in life. The girl he had the affair with was unattractive and another thing I can’t wrap my mind around. But she was willing to be used by him and she was grateful for him and his position of power and I can understand that because it fed his ego. I am an attractive, fit woman and we had a healthy sex life. I asked him a year ago if He may be having feelings for someone or a crush or something because while I was nursing our baby he didn’t touch me for 4 months. Even then I never Suspected he would ever so much as kiss another woman. I had several nightmares during my pregnancy that he was having sex with someone and I was watching them. I would run out of the bed in my sleep. A few times I saw a girl driving past our house and I felt like I was being watched. I know now it was her. I chopped it all up to having “mommy brain” or being hormonal. I feel like I am completely alert now and out of my maternal slumber that I had been in. I blame myself for being so blind and busy with kids activities, cooking, and caring for our home. and then I have to remind myself that I was holding up my part of the bargain as a wife and I was doing as I was supposed to be. I thought of myself as a good wife to him and the kids and I worshiped him. Now I have lost almost 20lbs and I am looking sickly and frail. I have anxiety attacks daily and feel like I am going to see the girl everywhere I go. It takes everything in me not to contact her husbands family to make sure that he knows what his wife was doing with my husband. My counselor says I have PTSD and some days I think I would rather be dead than have these sexual images of him in my head. I love him so much and I was surprised how quickly I wanted to forgive him. He goes back to being happy. But then I feel needy, clingy, and weak. I have separation anxiety from him which eventually boils up to anger and hatred. We hold it together for about a week and then I completely lose it, bring up more questions, find out more betrayals, and then he cries and begs and says he would kill himself if it would make me feel better. He swears this will never happen again and he says before there no consequences. He says now that it’s out in the open he feels like he has come out of a trace. He has done everything I ask, but I don’t think he’s telling me everything. There may be a future and a recovery but I dont know if I can get over the past. I feel like our entire marriage has been a complete lie. Marriage is long, life is long, his habits have been engraved in his head for years and he has no boundaries with women. His counselor says he has an arrested development that he can rebuild with proper treatment. We have a special needs child and she says to think of him as a special needs husband. I am so angry that I am finding out that he is another person at his core 10 years in. Do people really get past this??
RonJanuary 2nd, 2016 at 8:45 AM
He will cheat again remember a tigers stripes never change if he had a fling I might give you a 75/25% of fixing the marriage but in this case I give your marriage about 99.9 % chance it’s over I went through and still going through this after 25yrs married. Its not YOU it’s your husband he is a narsisst sociopath they don’t change right now he game is too pull you back in.. Research it… My advice to you is lean on god
DanielaJanuary 4th, 2016 at 8:42 AM
I am also married to a sex addict. He started the 12 step program a couple months ago but I think he only joined to shut me up. He is still online talking to women. He doesn’t know I know. I live a lie by keeping quiet. He tells me it’s a long way for him to get better. How can you attend the 12 step meetings and act out at the same time? I don’t like confrontation so I just keep quiet. And it’s eating me up inside. I do meet other s-anon women once a week. It helps but it’s just not enough. Is there any hope for a sex addict? Am I just waiting for something that will never happen? We have been married for 19 years. People will tell me to just leave him. But it’s not that easy if you love someone.
January 4th, 2016 at
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JohnJanuary 4th, 2016 at 10:28 AM
I’m the sex addict who wrote a post above. I’m in 12 step and therapy at the moment. I’m not highly experienced in 12-step and I cannot speak for everyone. The good news is he’s in 12 step. The bad news is that it seems recovery speeds are variable, even in the small group I’m in. Some guys turn up every week, know the white book inside out, and are on day 1 of recovery every week – ie they’ve been acting out at least the day before the group, if not the same day, consistently week after week. Others are on 18 months and climbing. One of the major problems – and reliefs – of 12 step is that you’re not responsible for his recovery – he is. That means that you can’t speed him along his way, but it means that you can decide whether or not to stay with him whilst he tries honestly (or not) to tread the heavy path of recovery.
DanielaJanuary 5th, 2016 at 6:33 AM
Thank you for commenting. I still hope for the best but it is so hard to know that he is still talking to other women. I pray that one day he will get over his addiction. I know it is not easy.
FranJanuary 4th, 2016 at 11:44 AM
As a partner of a SA I would like to add my .02. My husband acted out for over 30 years before I knew ANYTHING. No exaggeration. Then one Friday morning in 2009 my world was shattered. It took 6 months for most of the details to trickle out. Nothing was volunteered at all. It was excruciating to say the least. I deeply loved this man.
The good news is that after years of therapy I have finally gotten to a place where I understand it was NOT my fault. That was the biggest hurdle for me. I was a 100% committed and faithful wife, partner and mother to 4 amazing daughters and 11 grands. I still cannot comprehend that I was fooled so completely all those years – I’m not dumb. It took almost 5 years to get him to seek professional help and tell the whole truth. He was finally diagnosed as an SA last February and shared what he says are the final details. Another huge kick in the gut and I immediately kicked him out.
That’s when the recovery started. He attends 12 step meetings, has weekly counseling and says he is 100% committed to righting the wrongs of all those awful decisions. I’m not naive to believe and trust 100% but I’m hopeful and have Faith in God that He can cure my husband. I did have him leave the house in early 2015 for several months and that time alone was incredibly valuable for me to get my bearings. He moved back home in October. So far so good. 100% transparency. No exceptions.
God has brought me through this. There is absolutely no other explanation. I am not and will never be the person I was before this and I grieve that naive trust. However I have become so much more confident in my ability to pull the plug at any time and I’ll be okay. We moved in together when I was 19 years old in 1978 so I had never lived alone until 2015. Part of my reluctance the kick him out in 2009 was my dependence on him. Financially I could have been okay but emotionally I was a basket case. PTSD, agoraphobia, severe depression and many panic attacks a day. Bedridden for nearly 2 years. We both lost our jobs, our home and used our retirement to live those years.
Today I am working full time again and able to do most anything I want by myself. I know that our God will guide my heart going forward and help me navigate anything that I am faced with in the future. I pray these words encourage you and give you the hope I so desperately sought in the early years. Feel free to reach out further.
MichelleJanuary 8th, 2016 at 2:23 AM
I’ve been married for 7 years. I’ve known for years that my marriage was in trouble and have been trying to get to the bottom of it for at least 3 years but my husband refused to communicate any issues with me. A few years ago I noticed that he was adding all kinds of strange woman to his facebook profile and when I asked him about it, he said it was a ‘different world’ and I shouldn’t worry about it. As I really hate confrontation I tried to let it go…..needless to say in April this year I found messages to various woman and prostitutes. When I confronted him he told me that it was just ‘dirty talk’ and he was deeply sorry but wanted to stay in the marriage. Along rolls August 2015 at which time he secret world of filth and depravity began revealing itself…I asked him how long he had been sleeping with prostitutes and he tried to make me believe I was losing my mind. Eventually he admitted that he has been seeing them for around a year, I’ve recently discovered however that its been at least the last 3 years. So basically half my marriage has been a complete and filthy lie. He is already a recovering alcoholic and has promised to start sex addicts counselling but I’m still waiting and have recently discovered his twitter account. OMG!!!! Do I, or anyone he knows, actually have any idea who this man is!?!?!? I really don’t know a way forward but have spent today printing out all kinds of information on SA and plan to confront him later. I feel like a complete fool for not having left yet but somehow I feel we can still get through this….am I just a nutjob, should I just get out now. I don’t even know what I’m feeling anymore.
MoniqueJanuary 9th, 2016 at 11:37 AM
Hi Michelle, Marie from an earlier posting. When my husband came clean about his affair he described it as something that would build up and eventually no matter how hard he resisted, he he would decide on doing it one more time. He said immediately afterwards he felt sick; only to repeat the same cycle. He says the reason it became a part of his life is because he walked this path until it became familiar and easy to tread. He called it an addiction before our counselor ever did. He then took the quiz on the SA website and all but 3 questions were a yes for him. It was totally shocking for me to see that my religious husband could be capable of hurting me so deeply. I am beginning to understand that it’s not my fault; they will go to extreme lengths to hide their secrets. My husband kept this part of his life locked away in a box in his mind and never told a soul. There were no signs. I am still grieving the loss of our previous life; for many weeks I was in a state of denial and even saw him as an imposter, wishing my real husband would come back.
We are trying to get through it. I still love Him and I feel I owe it to myself and my children to try and work past it. Every day still has its struggles but for me there was no comfort in hatred and it brought me to a place of compete dispair. I know there is a big chance we won’t make it and I have tried to prepare and protected myself In the event of that possibility. He has entered a private SA program and I am attending a women’s group as well for support. (I have not told my friends). He says he 100% committed to changing his life.
I am hoping that our relationship, although it will never have he same innocence, will come from a place of honesty and transparency. That we can love each other despite our flaws and grow from them. I made assumptions about my relationship and I was living a dream marriage; but it was just that; a dream. Not real. I have hope that we can grow to be in a better place than we have ever been. Each situation is unique, but I will be thinking of you. You are not crazy for not seeing it and you are not alone in dealing with it.
MichelleJanuary 10th, 2016 at 10:37 PM
Thank you for your response, I feel so alone at the moment. He has his first SA meeting tonight but I suspect it’s being done under extreme duress.
He didn’t come clean, I have to find all the stuff out and confront him so I’m afraid he is not ready to admit there is a problem and be completely focused on recovery.
We also live in a country where I am unable to find alot of support for this kind of situation. I haven’t told anybody either. A few know of the infidelity but no one know of the extent of the problem. It does feel very unreal right now and I’m most afraid that my personal breakdown is still imminent…
I don’t really have time for a breakdown as our child is only 14 months old and needs me more than ever but sometimes I just feel like I’m not coping at all.
I just hope I can find some support and perhaps a womans group as you have done.
MarieJanuary 11th, 2016 at 2:51 PM
It’s me again.
I know what you must be going through. Our youngest is also just over a year. Lovely how the men can behave like children and we are left to pick up the pieces. I do have hope for change and I had my first phone intake today for my women’s group that will meet every two weeks but it is 2.5 hours from my house. I am going to try it and honestly I look forward to speaking about it with women who are going through it. Locally I am seeing a counselor and that is also helpful. I went through a period where I was suicidal and I didn’t feel any hope with the thought of divorce. Some days I am clingy or frail and I need to regain my confidence in myself. I read a book called Life after the Affair: healing the pain and rebuilding the trust.. This was of course before I knew there was more to his behavior but still I found it very helpful. My spousal SA therapist recommended a few books which surprisingly I had already ordered from Amazon but hadn’t read yet. One is called Mending a Shattered Heart: a guide for partners of SA, and it’s cooresponding workbook Facing Heartbreak: steps to recovery. There is a third called MY Sexually addicted spouse that she recommended. There are also support groups that meet locally or by phone. She recommended SANON or COSA. I hope this helps. My husband did an online quiz and most of the answers were a yes for him. Another eye opener for him was reading a book about SA and seeing many similarities in his way of thinking/acting. He had his first session over the weekend and I believe it knocked him for a loop. He came home upset and doesn’t want to hear that he is a textbook addict. Only time will tell if he is committed to working through it. My counselor said many men will enter because of pressure from the wife and wanting to calm the waters but the ones who succeed are those who can admit they have a problem and ask for help. Going through the motions simply won’t be enough for me. I have given myself a year and I hope to see real change. I am glad that I haven’t reacted on emotion and I am trying to be wise for my children and because I believe in marriage. I want to give him a chance to change. Focus on your baby and take it one day at a time or even one hour at a time. It does get better.
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