How Do I Overcome the Grief from My Husband’s Death?

Dear GoodTherapy.org,
I lost my husband of 21 years in April. He was my third marriage and, I'm sure, my last. I am nearing 70 now, and all I have done since he passed away is sleep and cry. At least, that is how it seems. I have family in the area, but I am sure I'm depressing company. Aside from my children and grandchildren, who have their own lives, I just don't know if life will ever have meaning for me again. I ache for my husband every day, and I still reach for him at night, as I used to do when I would check on him. I talk to him sometimes, all alone, but obviously I don't hear anything back. I just want him back! And yet I know he will never be back. How do I move past this grief? How do I move on? I know I should have seen this coming, as he had gone downhill over the course of the previous two years, but I was woefully unprepared for this kind of loss. I think I didn't want to believe it could happen. What do you think? —Left Behind
Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist
Dear Left Behind,

Your anguish is palpable in your writing. It is also totally understandable; losing a partner after 21 years of marriage is utterly devastating. I don’t think anyone can ever really be prepared for such a loss. It is just too much to try to wrap your head around until it happens. Even then, it can feel almost unreal.

You commented that all you have done is sleep and cry since your husband’s passing, but you followed this up by saying, “at least, that is how it seems.” In reading your follow-up comment, I wondered if, as you were writing this, you realized that you actually have engaged in some other activities in the months since your husband’s death. If this is true, it might be useful to take a look at what those things are and consider what has felt best. Try to do more of those things when you feel up to it. If and when you do have lighter moments, it is possible (though certainly not guaranteed) that you may feel some guilt. This is not uncommon among surviving spouses. It can feel unfair that you are still able to be in this world having positive experiences while your partner is gone. Sometimes, people even feel like their grief serves as a connection to their lost loved ones, and they cling to it as a means of remaining connected.

The loss of loved one is a universal experience, but everyone’s grieving process is unique and there is not a one-size-fits-all approach. That said, many people find bereavement groups to be very healing experiences. Bereavement groups can foster a sense of connection because they allow you to see that other people are living with the same kind of loss that you are. They can instill hope. You may come to see that if the people in your group can make it through their losses, so can you. Groups can also be a forum for brainstorming coping techniques as members share some of the ways they have been able to move toward healing.

If a group feels overwhelming, or if you have trouble accessing a bereavement group, consider your own personal grief counseling with a therapist who specializes in this area. Right now you are very understandably suffering, but you do not have to suffer forever, and you do not have to do it alone. You can heal from this, and I wish you all the best in your process.

Kind regards,
Sarah

Sarah Noel
Sarah Noel, MS, LMHC, is a licensed psychotherapist living and working in Brooklyn, New York. She specializes in working with people who are struggling through depression, anxiety, trauma, and major life transitions. She approaches her work from a person-centered perspective, always acknowledging the people she works with as experts on themselves. She is honored and humbled on a daily basis to be able to partner with people at such critical points in their unique journeys.
  • 1,594 comments
  • Leave a Comment
  • Charla

    January 24th, 2014 at 11:44 AM

    I don’t know that this kind of grief is something that you overcome so much as work through and process in your own way. It has to be terrible to lose a spouse, especially when you finally feel that you have lost the love of your life. I do hope that in small measurable ways you are once again at some point able to find a little happiness in your life as I hope that you still have many more years to live yourself.. Things do get better with time and I am sure that this sounds so tired and cliche to you, but I hope that you have a strong system of support in place to help you work through this grief. Peace my friend.

  • Karen

    November 16th, 2016 at 1:55 AM

    I am so sorry for everyone’s loss. I’m trying too. Not a good example though. Since losing Mel, MW (Mr Wonderful), even with 3 beautiful children. I dread the upcoming holidays. I actually dread each day. Trying to cope. I’m grateful for finding this blog. People to talk to late at night when I can’t sleep. God bless you all.

  • Annie

    November 16th, 2016 at 3:47 PM

    Hi Karen. I know the feeling. I am dreading the holidays but like you said we have each other. God Bless you and I will be praying for you. We’ll get through it together.

  • marycrawford

    November 25th, 2016 at 2:47 AM

    I just lost my husband of 8 years Oct 11, 2016. He was 53. He walked out the door to take my mom to Dr appt and had massive heart attack, wrecked the car and just died. He never complained, I cannot sleep, eat, think…all I can do is think, “what was he feeling when he walked out that door”?. He and I wee so close, we were soul mates, we were best friends. He was here helping me take care of my 86 yr old Mom. He made my life so much happier…now he’s gone. I’m so sick…I can’t describe the heartache I have.

  • Sandy

    December 31st, 2016 at 2:53 PM

    My husband of more than 43 years died July 20 2015 from Levy Body Dementia. He was diagnosed in May 2012 but he had been having signs before having to leave his job. He and my children were my whole life. The day he died I wanted to die also. I lay in our bed and wish I could just hear or feel him next to me. I’ve faced many loses of other family members but I feel my life has stopped. I was 17 when I mmetmy husband in Nov 1970. I had ust graduated high school that spring. I dont sleep or even want to get up each day. I keep asking myself when will it get better, when will i ever want to actually wake each morning. We have 3 adult children and 3 grandchildren. As for having a good support system i wish I did never felt more alone in my whole life. I had planned to start grief counseling from Hospice. They had been so much help the 2 woks before he died. If I talk of my husband and the enormous loss I feel or start crying my children get upset so I hush. I pray alot and I have ask God to take me home but I guess thats not right either. I ask myself and when I talk to my husband when will it get better. I have no answers.

  • Widow

    February 16th, 2017 at 3:16 PM

    I lost my husband on November 30, 2016. My family and friends have pretty much disappeared. I have been grieving every day since he passed all I do is cry at the drop of a hat. Sometimes I think I’m never going to get through this. I have two young daughters that are grieving also. I am disappointed in my family and friends Who promised me they would be there for us. Sometimes I just feel like screaming. 2016 I lost my job we lost our home and I lost my best friend and soulmate for 28 years He was everything to me and my kids and now we are lost without him.

  • Dawn

    February 19th, 2017 at 2:13 PM

    Hi Karen , I’m so sorry for your loss My husband of 41 years was killed in an accident August 22, 2016 We started dating when I was 14 1/2 and dated for three years before we got married I have been with this precious man for 45 years I don’t know how to go on. It has only been six months and I seem to be getting worse and worse I cry all the time There is nothing that I want to do I go to work and come home every night I get in my bed and stay With my two dogs I have children and grandchildren and family but all I want today is My Husband back I know he is better off where he is but I miss him so bad I can hardly breathe I know I have to pull myself together for the living and move on I have great faith and a wonderful relationship with Jesus I wish I knew how long this was going to last Before I can talk about him and smile We were together every day we live together we played together every day The loss is unbearable sometimes He is everywhere Keep me in your prayers and I will keep y’all in mine. Blessings my friend 🙏

  • Karen

    March 17th, 2017 at 4:55 PM

    I also lost my husband Mel on November 15, 2016 at 12:45 p.m. He is the love of my life for 42 years. He loved to deer hunt with our 19 year old grandson. They had seen a ten point earlier that week and grandpa wanted Bay to get it more than any thing. Well
    Bay did get the ten point and grandpa and him were celebrating and taking pictures when grandpa collapsed and was gone before he hit the ground. There are no words to express what we are going through. It has been the most unbearable pain anyone can imagine. I had to bury my husband on my birthday and I will never celebrate another birthday. Two days ago was our 43rd anniversary and 4 months since Mel passed. I feel that my life is over just waiting for God to take me home too.

  • Karen

    March 30th, 2017 at 3:03 AM

    Hello, I’ve lost my best buddy after 35 years of marriage. Like the poignant stories, that I’m grateful you have shared here, I’m lost! It seems to be the only word I can find that explains fully how hollowed out I am! Once a vibrant, fun, busy, easy to laugh kind of wife, mother and grandmother, sister and friend, I don’t know how to get back to feeling like me. Like others who wrote “I just want him back” I come home from work, drop my bag and just cry out, “please come back!!” over and over again! He was an apostle on this earth! My husband helped EVERYONE! Through his small business and his work to help others with sobriety (he had 23 years!!!) He set such an amazing example! Hey, as I write this, I think I’ve found a little bit of personal inspiration! I had a ring side seat to his work to become and stay sober and I often privately marveled at HOW he kept his wonderful sense of humor and thoughtfulness even to complete strangers! He brought out the better Angels in both of us and I see that in our son’s now too! I’m going to journal about his sober journey, how he became strong and fought his enormous urge to self medicate and how he helped so many people at his Monday night meeting for so many years! His funeral mass was filled with those he helped. I’m going to follow up on his courage and strength because Dear Lord I want to and I need your help here. Amen

  • Sylvia

    December 20th, 2016 at 12:29 PM

    My husband died in April we been married for 51 years, my only boyfriend, we move to Spain and enjoyed the last 8 years of our retirement, I may him so much, how do I
    Get though it. I know lots of women have to go through it but I never new it was like this and Christmas makes it unbearable please help me ,

  • Christine

    December 20th, 2016 at 4:54 PM

    Sylvia,
    I lost my husband of 49 years in January of this year. He had an infected ulcer on the bottom of his foot that wouldn’t heal, while in the hospital, got pneumonia, then was in a coma for several months which he came out of but had a trach and a feeding tube so he couldn’t speak. I hadn’t heard his voice for about 4 months before his death. He was just beginning to be able to move his hands and feet with therapy and it looked like he was going to get better when he took a turn for the worse and passed away. We didn’t get to celebrate our 50th anniversary which would have been on August 6, 2016 or to enjoy retirement. I retired in May of this year but don’t feel like doing much because I miss my best friend.
    I guess that we are both lucky to have had them for so many years but that is little comfort when you see couples that are older together and you think to yourself that they don’t know how lucky they are to still have each other.
    A friend suggested that I read “The Widow’s Key” by Linda Lindholm, and “Grieving, Our Path Back to Peace” by James R. White which I sent for but haven’t yet received
    –maybe someone out there has read it and can comment–. My faith is very important to me and I believe that he’s in a better place, but I wish that he was here with he instead. One of my friends kept telling me that she understands how I feel and I finally told her that she does not understand how I feel because her husband is still with her and all of her children are too (I lost a daughter 9 years ago at age 39).
    God Bless you–

  • Sandra

    December 21st, 2016 at 7:44 AM

    Hi Sylvia…So sorry for your loss, I feel your pain without a doubt, we all do…I’m 21 months in and coming to wards acceptance, still miss my husband like crazy and never stop thinking about him..I’ll always miss him as you will also probably…it’s life, it’s a cross we have to bear unfortunately….it’s the price we pay for love..I’m envious you got to spend 8 yrs retirement together, we got 12 wks…I so feel for my husband after him working hard all of his life to be cut down after 12wks retirement…The day he died ( he was ill ) he took half of me with him…I so hope you can stay strong and be grateful for all the good years you had together..Look after yourself…x

  • Dennis

    January 13th, 2017 at 8:02 PM

    Sylvia,
    I was sorry to read about the loss of your dear husband of 51 years just before Christmas 2016. I know everybody says ‘it will get better’ , it WILL. In 1991, my daughter Sharon 24 years old and a nurse, died due to a choking incident. I am divorced but have a partner who did her very best to help me by taking me out on weekends away here and there but it only helped a little. I never stopped crying every night and would have her photo beside me while I did. Every time I was out, I thought I saw her but it was only someone else. This all happened in 1991 and time HAS healed. Don’t get me wrong, I remember her every day and will do until I meet her again. Please try to find another lady who has recently be bereaved. I used to go on a free two week holiday provided by the forces of which I was a member. Now, this lady who had been to the resorts before said “It’s no good now, I will feel lonely with no one to speak to”. I said go and find someone who has been through the same. She did and met these other widows and things changed for the better for her.
    I wish you well in life and please be sure there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I know, I saw it!
    Dennis 69 year old male

  • Judy

    March 19th, 2017 at 6:59 AM

    I am dealing with “Should’ve, Would’ve Could’ve”.

  • Joanie

    January 25th, 2014 at 9:16 AM

    Do you think that getting involved with other widows who have gone through this too would help? Sometimes it’s nice to talk with other people who have felt the exact same things that you have felt as sometimes those of us who haven’t ever experienced loss loike this have a hard time understanding that kind of emptiness. It may all be too soon and still too raw for you and I understand that completely but often just having someone to talk to who you feel like knows where you are coming from can make a big difference in how you are feeling.

  • rene

    January 27th, 2014 at 3:57 AM

    I urge you to seek out some help. I am sure that you are trying to muddle through this alone but truthfully this is a time when you need more help than ever! Please, I am sure you are depressed and feeling lonely and although you may come out of this given time, you would feel so much better if you had someone there who you trusted to get you through this.

  • Heather

    December 10th, 2016 at 10:01 PM

    its a nightmare.. a flipping nightmare!!

  • Judy

    January 10th, 2017 at 2:35 AM

    Couldn’t have said it better myself.

  • Bettina

    February 24th, 2017 at 11:06 PM

    I see so many cries of anguish. I came looking for a way to retain his scent and found this. I was angry that I saw no real responses to what I was looking for. And then I started reading. I don’t have answers, but what I found is that I may be unique in my feelings, but I’m not alone. I don’t even know if I’ll come back to this place. But to see someone else actually have the courage to say it’s a nightmare made me feel…raw..hopeless…but…maybe not the only one. Crazy as it is…just not alone.

  • Kraig

    January 29th, 2014 at 4:28 AM

    Have you talked with anyone about the feelings you continue to have?

    If this happened last April, that has been almost a year, not that there is some time frame on how long you should grieve your loss. But I do think that maybe that is enough time that if I were a part of your inner circle I would be concerned and would want you to work with someone to start processing this pain hopefully in a way that is a little more beneficial for you.

  • meryl

    January 13th, 2015 at 5:18 AM

    I lost my husband of 27 years 2 years ago. I was 50 at the time. I can tell you that you never “get over” the loss. I will tell you that I heard something the other day that summed it up for me: It’s called the new normal. Life will never be the same but you will get to a point that you are ok. I can laugh and have a good time, but a day has not gone by that I don’t think about him the moment I wake up and then throughout the day. It is important to remember that your husband does not want you to be in pain or cease to live because he died. You must find ways to get back to living again. You will always have some sadness but it can not stop you from finding life again. It is important to keep busy and find something to focus on. Good luck to you, I know it is a most difficult journey!

  • Teri

    August 23rd, 2016 at 5:03 PM

    It’s been 6 months afterv37 years. He died suddenly no warning in out hotel room. I found him in bathroom I’m a.m. I m lost devestated shattered and feel no real will. I try to go out c people only to return home utterly lost and sinking in tears. I cry out for him. I tell him how I need him how I m not adjusting how afraid I am. I csmnot imagine my life or c my life anymore. This grief is beyond comprehension. I read transition material I tell myself I m strong I have taken a trip but only to return time n again in such pain. I cannot stop the flow if tears. Everything shatters my core. He was my live my life my breath my soul. We had a wonderful marraige except last two years as he seemed to not b doing well but would not go to dr. Perhaps he could have prevented his heart attack. We will never know. It dies not matter. I m not sngry with h8m. I coukd never ne. He was such a quality human being. He is so lived by all that knew him. Kind honest ethical successful and living did everything to make me happy as he adored me and told me so akways. I m sinking in pain. I just want him back so I can feel normal feel loved gmfeel safe. I need him to wrap his arms around me to let me know it’s going to b ok. I can hear him say it but I don’t feel it. Life seems all but over. I need him I need to tell him things that I coukd not say bcuz he was taken so suddenly. I need to hug him to tell him again and again I love him. I need to know he has transitioned if there is such a thing. I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore. Just pain.

  • Connie

    September 1st, 2016 at 7:35 AM

    I lost my husband of 38 years on Father’s Day, June 19, 2016. He was at work on a drilling rig and went to sleep and never woke up. He had a heart attack. I totally feel exactly the way you are feeling. He was my life. I had basically let my life revolve around him and my 4 children for years. I was a stay at home mom and he was gone a lot. So basically I lived for days off. Now I just can’t seem to find a purpose for my life. I am raising my last child, a daughter who is 15. I get up and take her to school and then I just seem to sit and cry all day. I try to tell myself I have to do things, but I just can’t stay focused. I don’t know what to do.

  • S. Costanzo

    October 19th, 2016 at 4:41 AM

    Terri,
    My husband passed away Sept, 3/2016 I cannot begin to tell you how your words and thoughts are identical to mine. I am lost without my beloved husband, every day is a constant struggle. My heart hurts so much and finding it difficult to live without my love. Not happy, just not happy….. we were together 31 years and married 26 years. He was the love of my life, my everything…….. My love had a massive stroke at the age of 55 and my life changed forever. I am lost and in so much pain words can not describe how much this hurts. Life without him is agonizing…….

  • Rita

    January 16th, 2017 at 8:06 PM

    I loss my husband of 29 years on news years day 2016. I was in the kitchen making food with 2 of my kids, we thought he was sleeping in the next room. When I checked on him it was too late he had died from cardiac arrest. I went from a family of 5 to being all alone in a years time., my children were all going out on their own. To make things worse my mother passed away 6 weeks after my husband. 3 other family members also died the same year. I live in a rural area and feel so alone. There is no clubs or groups, I have looked. I just feel like life has become me hanging in there until I die. I have a strong faith so that helps me I just worry I will never be happy.

  • Tammy

    April 7th, 2017 at 6:56 PM

    Teri, I was reading your story and felt like I wrote it. My husband was a healthy man who came out of the shower and said he didn’t feel right, and within 1/2 an hour he was gone forever. This was on February 20, 2017. I cry all day and night and don’t know how I am suppose to even carry on. It doesn’t seem real sometimes, like he will come home soon. I want him back so bad. We were together for 33 years and he died at the young age of 50. The thought of even going back to work makes me sick to my stomach but I have to pay the bills somehow. I feel like I am just getting through each day till I can be with him again. I have heard the saying new normal but I want my old normal back. We did everything together and had so many plans and now that is all gone. How do I even start to think about the future?

  • pamela

    April 22nd, 2017 at 10:04 AM

    it’s been two years for me and i hate the loneliness

  • Mary L

    January 26th, 2015 at 4:41 PM

    My husband of 42 years died on 12/13/14 from cancer. I am totally devastated and feel at a loss how to proceed with my life or what to do. I have gone to a bereavement group and it does help alot. There’s just so much to do to settle paperwork and everything that I feel totally overwhelmed. I just have been trying to take one day at a time!

  • Carol h

    June 3rd, 2016 at 10:36 AM

    Mary. Hope you are feeling a bit better now .i lost my husband of53 years in 2013 ,to prostate cancer. I’m 74 now, have a big family but it seems worse now than at the begining,feeling very sad today! It must get better soon ! Hopefully I’ll think of you. Carol

  • Sandra

    June 11th, 2016 at 10:06 AM

    ..I lost my husband 15th March 2015 to Pulmonary Fibrosis after 48 years together and 44 years pf marriage..There was so much to cope with at first, paperwork, household matters etc….it went on for months….I’m now in my second year, and I too feel worse than in the beginning…When the dust settles and it starts to sink in, really sink in, it’s only then that you realise your life has changed forever…I usually fill up at some point in the day, every day, still…I suppose it will go on being like this for a very long time…it just comes over me in waves, I miss him so much, but from the beginning I said to myself…Right, you can do this, be patient with yourself, take your time and I still try and stick to this, but its so not easy…I feel for you all, stick in there….Take the pain on the chin, just go with the flow as they say….Good luck to you all…x

  • bayla

    October 9th, 2016 at 3:56 PM

    One step at a time. One breath at a time.
    Please be kind to yourself and don’t put yourself in a place that doesn’t feel right to you.

  • Joanie

    December 14th, 2016 at 9:31 AM

    Lost my husband July 5 2016 from prostate cancer. We were married 42 years. I am so lost with out him. Holidays are coming and it is truly difficult.

  • Patricia

    March 8th, 2017 at 11:02 PM

    I just lost my beloved husband of 55 years less than a month ago on Feb.18, 2017. He died of acute respiratory failure in the hospital. I was his caregiver for over 6 years and the last 6 months has been a total nightmare, he was in so much pain and just wanted to die! His last words to me is that he is sorry that he is dying and leaving me alone and I was always his one love! Now I’m crying again! I miss him so much it hurts! He was my best friend and my soulmate and when he died I also died! How can I bear this unbearable pain and loss! This is a living hell without him! Yesterday I got up and got dressed and started to leave the house to go visit him and stop and realize that he was gone and I would never see him again in my lifetime, and whats left of it will be an empty existence! I am in a living hell!

  • Cindy

    June 7th, 2016 at 6:30 AM

    I totally understand your pain. My beloved husband died Dec. 29 of cancer. We had talked about many things before he passed. One thing my husband emphasized over and over was that I need to live on for both of us and do all the things we had planned but didn’t get to. I know he wants me to be happy which is still difficult, but numerous things have happened since he passed that convince me he is watching over me. Some days are better than others but I don’t think I will ever stop missing him or stop talking to him. I have bee to two mediums with interesting results. My husband assured me before he died that he would let me know he is still around me. I find that very comforting. Good luck to you….some days you just need to cry, but know your husband doesn’t want you to be so sad. I try to remember the funny happy things I loved about my husband every day. I still look at beautiful sunsets and sunrises for peace.

  • Rich

    June 7th, 2016 at 11:28 AM

    Cindy:
    I agree with you.
    Janet passed 4 months back. While I did feel her presence I was totally unable to cope until about 2 weeks ago. Nothing changed except that I fully accepted what had happened as being Gods will. No, I’m not a Bible thumper and in fact I only attend church once a year. However, the peace that I have from as some call it accepting “Gods divine Plan” has helped me to the point where I am able to sleep at night and get off of medication. I know I will see Janet again, I’m sure of it.
    I feel Janet’s presence daily. In fact the other day I attended an auction where you have to get a number (usually 1-1000) which is created by scanning your drivers license in front of an optical reader. My friend went first and couldn’t get his to work, I tried and it immediately assigned me number 511 which happens to be Janet’s birthday. I don’t look for these confirmations and don’t reach for them but I get them daily. I am thankful for them and believe they are more than mere coincidences.
    Life will never be the same and I am ready to join Janet at anytime but the assurance that she is with me gets me through the day.
    Rich

  • AloneOnEarth

    June 20th, 2016 at 7:06 PM

    I lost my beloved husband in Feb this year, after 1 month in hospital ICU out of a heart attack after his sports session. He had gone thru lots of pain and hard time struggling with the ECMO and various life support facilities. During the time, he was very weak. He can’t talk with the respirator in his mouth, most time just lie there in sleep. Still, in his limited interval of consciousness, he tried his best to comfort me, holding my hands with several grasps that took most of his energy to do so. I knew he loved me soooooooooo much. Now I drowned in the endless pain and darkness, that seems happiness has leave me forever.

    I still feel for him, I talked to him every day, kissed his photos and lit up candle for him. I was brought up in Atheism background and used to believe there is no souls existing after life. now I’m very much confused if I’m lying to myself, to believe his existence made me feel better, or I don’t know how to face it. Maybe I’m just lying to myself and avoiding the truth that he has gone forever.

  • Lucy

    April 19th, 2017 at 4:34 AM

    I have read all your posts and my husband, Bill, died unexpectedly from a blood clot. He was in hospital, legs were paralyzed from his prostrate cancer spreading to the spine but it had stopped and he was actually doing pretty good considering. He got up in the morning and was in good spirits, chatting to his favorite nurse about a wood working project for our daughter, she had just turned 21 the day before. The nurse went out to get his breakfast tray and when she returned he was unresponsive, they tried to revive him but he was gone. I got the phone call that he had died and I couldn’t believe it. Its not like we didn’t know he had been ill for quite awhile. But both he and I seemed to have this problem with facing unpleasant realities in life. He was a compulsive debtor who ended up going through absolutely every dime we had, including having to sell our home…but I believe in him. I thought he could make his business successful. We would have been married 39 years this August. I didn’t just rely upon him for everything, I was totally codependent. When we were bankrupted, I moved back to my family home, in with my mother, who has been widowed a long time and lives with my younger sister. It was devastating to lose a life time of savings, our home and my old lifestyle, which was quite affluent. I loved my husband and I thought by going along with him on everything was love. The smartest thing I did, while he was still alive, in this past year and a half was to join Al Anon because although he wasn’t an alcoholic (my father was), he was a compulsive debtor and had the mindset of a gambler (thinking he’d get all the money back if he just landed the next big project). Joining Al Anon was a lifesaver for me. I would encourage anyone to seek out a 12 Step program and work it diligently. My husband died on April 6th and I too had to bury him on my birthday. I have a large family but none of my siblings helped out, they are all adult children of an alcoholic home, just like me, and none of them even know how its effected their lives – needless to say they are all drinkers. So it was my Al Anon friends who were the support system that helped me through the funeral and its my Al Anon friends who I go to now. I will be attending a bereavement group as well, mostly because I think its wise to not be crying about my situation to others. People start to avoid you because the bottom line, at least in my experience, is most of them are terrified of death. Its like if they hang around you, they’ll catch it! So spreading around the grief is a good idea. I would say I do my crying mostly alone and its then that I talk to my spouse and to God. Also what I did is go onto YouTube and downloaded onto my ipod all sorts of meditations, visualizations and good talks on various subjects, but especially on loss and death. When my thoughts go negative, I put on my headphones and I listen to whatever appeals to me…this drowns out my own stinking thinking. I try to remind myself every day to pay attention to life, not death because God knows how long I have on this earth and I need to be grateful for my life too. I need to be a light for my daughter, she is dealing with the loss of the only father she has ever known and for her this is a second loss, since we adopted her at the age of 2 from an orphanage in eastern europe where she was from birth until we met her. So, I have to live for her, for me and for the first time in 40 years since I’d been with my husband I have to work. So there is a lot I have to live for…and although death has touched my life and it seems so awful and painful…there has to be another side to this experience that is not awful because everything in this world has its opposite. There are lessons to be learned if nothing else from death…and I am not ashamed to say that even as I read the eulogy I wrote for Bill at his burial, I felt a small twinge of gratitude…I thanked God I was alive. It was a beautiful, sunny warm day and it felt good to feel it on my face after another long cold Canadian winter. Another really helpful thing I am doing is to force my mind to stay present in this moment, read or look up Ekhart Tolle, who has made this concept famous. Living in the moment, that is to be focused only on this moment, not yesterday and not tomorrow, is the single biggest way I get through all of this…its just one day at a time for me. So when I step outside at 6:00 am as I did today, to drive my daughter to work, the first thing I notice, in the moment, is all the birds are singing. When I get out of the car, at night, and look up at the moon and the starts I remind myself that I am standing on a planet that is spinning in outer space, just one of trillions of galaxies. I marvel at the mysteries of life and convene with nature whenever I can…that is where I find my peace…just one moment at a time. If tears come up, then so be it, I cry not only for the man I loved and lost, but also out of sheer joy at being alive and being able to experience all of God’s creation. Love and hugs to you all…remember, you are not alone.

  • sonia

    June 20th, 2016 at 11:23 AM

    I feel your pain – I lost my husband of 40 years to cancer on Valentines Day he was the love of my life .I don’t know if i can go on .i am devastated.We have no children so i am all alone

  • Silvia b.

    June 24th, 2016 at 4:08 AM

    Lost my husband 11-13-2016 I don’t have any family very hard for me to accept only me now , want to go home with him not staying here with this pain , l even considered suicide talk to him every NIGTH ….. Still here day by day I am in pain don’t no what the future holds for me and really don’t care

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    June 24th, 2016 at 1:53 PM

    Thank you for your comment, Silvia. We are sorry to hear of your recent loss. If you are in crisis and feel you may be in danger of harming yourself, please call 911, visit your local emergency room, or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TTY: 1-800-799-4TTY).

    You can also visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline here:
    http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

    If you would like to talk to someone about your loss, please know you can use our site to locate a therapist or counselor in your area. Grief can be extremely difficult to work through, and a qualified mental health professional may be able to offer you support in this time.

    Simply enter your ZIP code here to find help in your area:
    http://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

    Please know you are not alone. Help is available, and we wish you the best of luck in your search.

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Stillsuffering

    July 2nd, 2016 at 12:03 PM

    I lost my husband, unexpectedy, 10 years ago, we were both in our thirties and I was left with two young children. 10 years later I still carry so much anger that he did’t survive. I mask everything well and raise my children with a smile on my face but I am so angry our children lost their father and I my best friend that I haven’t moved on emotionally. I tried groups but feel each time I hear a story it just brings me backward. I am tired of feeling so hurt, angry and in a room full of loved ones I feel alone because no one truly understands. Curious if anyone else silently lives with these buried emotions and any advice they have on day to day basis.

  • Tessie

    July 10th, 2016 at 8:52 PM

    Sonia, I too lost my husband of 40 years on 7-16-2015. I just eat and go back to bed hoping I won’t wake up. I am 68 years old and just want to be with him. I woke up a couple hours ago to him calling out my name. It sounded like he was sitting right next to me. I am still raising my Granddaughter who just turned 15. Now she says I am getting worse by hearing Papa’s voice. I didn’t imagine it. I was asleep and it was loud enough to wake me up. So, am I now going crazy?

  • Mo H

    September 26th, 2016 at 5:05 AM

    I would like to have a chat with you, I am in a similar position.

  • Barbara

    October 11th, 2016 at 2:49 PM

    I know your pain. I lost my husband of 44 years a year ago this past June. We live in Mexico, we,had no children, I,am trying to,sell my house so I,can return to,my family particularly my 92 year old mother, but it seems hopeless. I don’t cry as much now, but somedays a song or a smell or a word will start me off. Today is his 71st birthday, I have been trying to,stay busy, but some days are harder than others. I just want to,go,home and start over. I,believe,in Gods plan of Happiness, and His will, but when does this end, how do,I move on with no hope in sight? I need people to talk to, but it is difficult here to find those people. So,I try to stay busy and go for drives and do,my grocery shopping and attend church. It,helps, but it is not the answer. I will pray for,you . Be well. Take care.

  • vicki l.

    November 27th, 2016 at 10:38 AM

    Lost my husband to atypical Parkinson’s July 2015. Thought I was doing reasonably well but the holidays make it seem like yesterday. I am 70 and we were together 39 years. Where do I go from here. I don’t have family near and they have their own lives. There has to be a way to find community and I think that’s what I miss a lot. Most of my friends , even widows seem to have adapted better than I have. Just can’t seem to get by the loneliness.

  • Lucy

    April 23rd, 2017 at 7:00 AM

    Its funny friends came to see myself and my daughter yesterday and the wife told me something my husband had related to her. He told her how he was on the golf course In Myrtle Beach when he got the phone call from me about how I wanted to adopt a child. Apparently, I said to him that if he died I didn’t want to be alone and he agreed. I didn’t remember that I did that but its funny because I don’t usually follow through on many of my intuitive insights. There are two occassions in my life where I did…the first was when I was dating my husband and kept thinking he isn’t my type and thought I should break up with him but something inside of me felt as if I’d be cutting off my right arm. I was very committment averse all my life, but this time I gave in and allowed myself to continue dating him…the rest is history. The second time, was when I got this strong intuitive inspiration to adopt, to bring a child into my life and I never wanted to be a mother before that. There was no reason I couldn’t bear a child but I had no real desire to do so. I shared this in a parenting adopting group that I always knew I would adopt a girl one day and I was happy with that decision. Another adoptive mother told me she too had always known she would adopt a girl and she did. The two most significant relationships in my life were a calling which I thankfully answered. Who knows where my life would have gone had I not answered those calls to being a wife and mother. I’ve grown a lot and life hasn’t been lonely in the physical sense but I have always felt this loneliness inside of me, even as a young child. No one can experience me or know me either in mind or body…so yes I am alone, every moment of the day. If it were not for this deep and profound sense of a presence within me that I choose to call God, I would have been a brooding and despairing woman…but I’m not. I once attended an event promoting the adoption of older children and I was surprised because it was within the Jewish community in Toronto. My husband was Jewish but I am not. I never realized that there are Jewish children who don’t have homes. In this presentation they asked for couples who would be willing to adopt an older child, many were teen agers. But then they said something else which really struck me, they said if you can’t adopt could you invite a young person who has no family to your home for the traditional Friday night Sabbath dinner…are you able to set one more place at your table, it would mean the world to them. They told us that there were young people in university who don’t go home during the holidays like all the other students because they have no home to go to. One social worker had a young woman who would call her during the christmas/channukah season because she had no one else to call. Honestly, if I were still living in my home and my life at that time hadn’t been financially stable, I would have welcomed some young person into our lives…it pained me to think that there were young people out there sitting alone, having no family or no one who would share their table with even for an evening meal. No one has to be lonely…there are billions of people in this world, surely there must be one who we can bring into our lives. Loneliness is a choice not a dis-ease one has to suffer with for the rest of their lives. I know its hard but consider this…God speaks through other people…how can we hear what is being conveyed to us if we don’t reach out and talk to others. If it doesn’t work out, then we will know pretty quickly and just keep on trying until you find someone you click with. There are a lots of young people who need a relationship with someone older, but if they are orphaned its unlikely they have the confidence to reach out and approach us…they can’t bear the rejection, its too painful. But you and I, we have known love and for many of us many, long years of love with our husbands…now we can take that love and enrich someone else’s life.

  • claraetta O

    February 25th, 2015 at 9:47 PM

    I have lost my husband of 48 years. I cant find enough to do to keep myself from feeling blue and crying. week ends are the hardest. And therapists dont help. All they do is take my money and say, “I am sorry”

  • mary

    August 28th, 2016 at 7:42 PM

    I lost my husband June 1, 2016. We were married 44 years and knew each other 46 years. He didn’t die from cancer, but the cancer caused other physical problems that took his life. I mourn for him day and night. I have a huge emptiness in my heart. My son’s are grown adults and see one son in the morning for 5-15 minutes a day and the other son maybe once a week for 10 min and also have a stepson that visits me along with his baby a couple of times a week All three of them live right next door so not too far to travel. We are a generation apart and I think that accounts for the lack of time together because they have their own lives and they are inconsiderate of what I am going through. It it bad in the beginning because they saw their dad everyday so I guess I feel kinda cheated. His family lives in another state and have not heard from them since the funeral. I have no energy because I eat junk all the time. I had great aspirations to exercise and eat properly and to leave the house, which I do grocery shopping. I can’t to do anymore than that. I still maintain my home as best as I can. I think I’m done with all the insurance and dealing with the VA, SS and everything else that goes with it. That was a very confusing time. I have a medium that helps me get through this. She’s great when she brings my husband through. I have talked to him on a few occasions because we both love and miss each other beyond anything. He has guided me though some difficult situation especially emotionally and financial. Everything he said came true. And that makes my life a little more easier. He’s with me everyday and night and sends red rose petals raining down on me. I can’t see or feel them, so the medium interprets and he hugs be from behind. One time I was crying so hard and couldn’t stop and I felt his arms go around me and actually squeeze me. If you really want to know what is going on with your spouse, by a paperback book called WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE DIE?? Author Echo Bodine very famous. She communicates with our souls and helps straighten things out in the state of mind we are in after losing our loved ones. She makes a lot of sense especially knowing what happens to our loved one once they pass. It’s an eye openner. This book is a must, it will help you to understand and bring peace and healing to yourselves. Got nothing to lose, but to gain knowledge. Good Luck. ….it gives you a good understanding of your love ones new life.

  • Kathy

    November 6th, 2016 at 6:30 PM

    So sorry for your loss. I just found this blog and my heart goes out to all of you forced to live on in this earthly existence without your beloved husbands, wives and others. I recently lost my husband, soulmate and best friend on 08/18/16 unexpectedly from sepsis at only age 58. I can relate to what you express about your loss. I can barely digest the fact he is gone and time is only going to make it harder as I miss him more and more. I also lost my mother who was living with us in our home, just 9 weeks to the day after my husband… Before this we and all the caregivers had a big family and we live in a big house. Now this is my second night totally alone, except for pets, since my sister returned home. Mike and I were dedicated to shepherding my mom through her journey with Alzheimers and believed we would be together on the otherside of her passing…. But no, now I am here with a home full of memories of our 31 years together and my mom was here with us for 6 years. I feel devastated and lost. All my previous ideas of what I was wanting to work toward are nothing. All I want is Mike here with me and us to be planning and enjoying all the daily things like shopping, walks, day trips, visits, holidays, etc. together. The silence… emptiness… so excruciating. I hate time apart only grows longer and longer. I’m ready for this to be done…I’ve been a good sport… now he can come home again… it is all very cruel to be cut asunder from him and the fabric of our lives ripped. I have felt some very special moments of connection with him…since his passing, but I get needy for more…it is my only hope, to feel his presence or be surprised by his help in a moment. Just, I want more and I want him back…tho I deeply respect that he has made this transition, and not one he wanted to make…so I hope to be less demanding. Still he was my constant companion and sounding board, my hero, my anchor, and my world. So hard to digest that he is gone…NO, it cannot be… so hard. No way to know how to get through this…I have our horse, our home and our pets… family and friends…but all I want is Mike… heartbroken…yet hope to learn to believe as I know he only wants to benefit me from the otherside. I am on my knees. Love to every one of you…may you find support to feel all of your feelings and to be kind to yourselves. Love, Kathy

  • Can't Do This

    April 18th, 2015 at 12:05 AM

    Dear Left Behind: I could write what you have written word for word as I am having the same feelings. My husband has been gone 1 week tomorrow! The funeral was yesterday. He died from lung cancer. He did not die peacefully. In fact it was the opposite. He struggled as I held him right to the end. I just want to be with him. I don’t want to live without him. No, I am not suicidal. I am not going to make it happen but I just wish it would, to stop the pain which I cant bear and so that we can be together again. I can’t stop crying. My husband is on my mind constantly. I talk to him, ask him to talk back to me, come and see me, take me. We were married for 22 years and we were soul mates. The children and grandchildren have busy lives like yours. I am not alone, I have two young foster children. I try to be strong for them and try not to cry in front of them. They are dealing with their grief also, They are only 7 & 9 yrs old. I wonder whether I will be able to care for them or (God forgive me) even if I want to. I don’t have any plans for the future as I cant see any future. I am just going through the motions. I am able to get out of bed (unfortunately) and I can do my housework and all the mundane things. Went to the local shop thismorning and just lost it and broke down crying. Everyone stared. I am 63, my husband is 55. Too young to die. Our children are adults. There is no reason for me to be here.

  • Doren

    December 8th, 2015 at 8:55 PM

    Hi Can’t Do This, i’m just wondering how are you doing now? I lost my husband 2 months ago. He was also 55. Everyday is a struggle for me since he passed away. I miss him a lot. I love him so much.

  • Erin

    January 3rd, 2017 at 4:14 PM

    I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost my beloved husband 87 days ago just before his 55 th birthday. He died suddenly while we were watching TV I tried to revive him but could not neith could medics. I have known my hubby since kindergarten and we reconnected later in life . We were together almost four years married this past July and he died in Oct. I’m truly heartbroken as we were indeed one. We were each other’s world. I miss him every second and just want him back. I never even got to say goodbye. The pain of it is incredible and no people that have not experienced the loss of a spouse may THINK they understand it but they do not. Not one little bit as they get to go home and feel the comfort of their well alive partner. I don’t know at 55 how we are to endure this unhealable pain for possible years to come

  • Janet H

    June 27th, 2016 at 9:36 AM

    My husband, Raymond, passed away 5 days before Christmas last December. He had many health issues when a stroke finally did him in. We were together then married for 23 years. I went thru the grieving process and at the same time took care of practical matters. I went thru my first Christmas, New Years, Valentines Day, Mother and Father’s day, and finally our 18th wedding anniversary without him. I missed him terribly but thought I was holding it together pretty well. Yesterday as I was cleaning out a drawer, I found a 15 page love letter that my husband wrote to me back in 1993 when we were first together. I haven’t read it in years. I knew I wasn’t ready for this but I read it anyway. I am so totally devastated and the grief I had felt back in the beginning pales in comparison to how I feel now. The love that I feel for him is so deep now and I did not want to face how lonely I was without him. I have been crying on and off since reading this letter. I went and wrote a love letter back to him re-telling our history and confirming my love to him. I have his ashes still and when I am ready to strew some of it, as per his wishes, I will burn my love letter to him and scatter this with his ashes. Writing the letter made me feel closer to him and a little better. I pray with all my being that he will wait for me until my time comes so we can be together for always. Thank you all for listening to me.

  • Nadira

    July 9th, 2016 at 6:57 AM

    So sad

  • Trying but Failing

    August 15th, 2016 at 4:55 AM

    My husband of 30 years slipped away from me February 22, 2016. Lung cancer claimed him after a two-year battle, and it was an ugly, painful, and difficult battle. I pray he knew I was holding his hand and singing to him in the end. The doctors were cruel and impatient, and the hospital staff was rude in their rush to have me make arrangements for his body so they could clear his room. I was left emotionally and physically drained after two years of caring for him while attending grad school. I was also left homeless and penniless by his passing. The word “widow” has become such a hateful word to me, as I try, and fail, to deal with grief, PTSD from experiencing his cruel decline and death, and losing everything we had together. At the mercy of well-meaning but clueless friends and their couches and spare rooms, grief is rarely a luxury I am allowed – I have even been chastised for not fully appreciating what I had. For all of you suffering the loss of your husband, I understand the depth of your grief, and wish I had the right words to comfort you, as well as myself. For anyone who is trying to help someone else grieve, please, PLEASE, understand we are doing the best we can in a world we no longer understand, or much care for. I am a Therapist, surrounded by Therapists, but this is a deeply personal journey. The only one who can really help me is myself, and some days i’m not sure if I really want to. I was unprepared for the length and depth of my grief, and am just grateful.our children were grown, so did not have to witness or experience the worst of my misery. As our anniversary approaches next week, I feel the sadness and anxiety threaten to overwhelm me again. How are we supposed to bear this and remain human?

  • Sheryl

    December 11th, 2016 at 3:50 PM

    I also lost my husband and partner after 30 years in March 2016. Cancer is a dreadful painful disease. David was very nasty as his pain increased. Frustration of not being the leader. My only way of carrying on is I will survive because that is what he would have wanted. Chin up.

  • julie T.

    October 9th, 2016 at 1:09 AM

    i have just lossed my husband 8/9 /16 i am missing him so so much
    He had heart attack i dont know how i am going to live with out him

  • julie T.

    October 9th, 2016 at 1:16 AM

    sorry my name is julie I realy dont know how to get over the pain i feel

  • Annie

    October 9th, 2016 at 1:35 PM

    Hi Julie. I understand how you feel. I lost my husband April 25th from the flu. It is so raw still for both of us. Reality has set in for me but I still cry everyday and miss him terribly. God is what keeps me together and gives me a little light in this lonely journey. You’re not alone and I’ll be praying for you. I know the devastation but unfortunately it’s a sorority we never wanted to join. Know you have people on this site who share your grief with you do care.

  • Hazel

    October 23rd, 2016 at 1:51 AM

    I lost my wonderful husband on January the 13th 2016. We lived for each other, we were soul mates. We were married for 46 years. I miss him so much that it actually hurts, I feel so lost and lonely. My family who live close by tell me that I have to get out and meet new people but I really don’t want to. I went to a group therapy session for widows and widowers and I saw people in my same predicament and heard them say exactly what I am thinking. It did not help and I felt that some of the people were feeding off each others misery. I talk to my husband every day. I held him in my arms as he passed away and he told me to live my life but to be honest I do not want to live without him. I feel that every day I just go through the motions, I hate eating alone, I eat just because I have to. I woke in the middle of the night a few weeks ago and smelt his aftershave all around the room, that gave me comfort and made me feel he was near. Don and I were one, I miss him so much, his big bear hugs and how we told each other every day how much we loved each other. I would say “to the Moon and back”..Don would say “to infinity and beyond” . It has been over 9 months now since Don passed away ( I cannot say DIED out loud) and my pain in getting worse, you do not get better, you get better at HIDING it! I have a face for my family and a face for home, I have a constant lump in my throat and could burst into tears so easily all the time but I am actually scared that if I do i will never stop. I have a little dog that I adore, Don adored her too. She is a great comfort to me. I want this pain and sadness to stop, life without Don is just too hard.

  • Sandra

    October 23rd, 2016 at 12:58 PM

    ..Hi Hazel….So so sorry for your loss, you can be yourself here, we all understand….We’re all on the same journey….9 months is a very early stage to be at…19 months for me…I would love to say it’s gets better but it doesn’t…but what happens is, ever so slowly, you will get better at handling it or hiding it, whichever way you want to look at it…Yes, I talk to my husband as if he was still here, and some days, I truly feel he is here with me…He is such a miss, he was a great husband and father…I’m so glad I met him……Good luck to you…x

  • pat

    October 23rd, 2016 at 1:43 PM

    Hazel with you all the way. I too find it difficult to say the word ‘died’. Also hate doing all these things alone but it’s not company I need it’s just David. A friend has just been on the phone. I popped in after a doctor’s appointment for a coffee and a lift home. He was saying I seemed much better and more like myself so I must deserve an Oscar. I had just been at the doctors and cried through the whole 15 minutes. We would make good actors that’s for sure. Reckon that’s one of the reasons I am so anxious to get home so I can be myself – a sad. depressed and broken woman. I told my GP my brain has changed and I am no longer who I was and he said it’s because I’m not the same person anymore. Apparently my daughter has said to a friend she lost her dad and now fears she is losing her mum (the reason why she hadn’t visited for 2 months). I can’t do anything about that although it may sound selfish. Half of me died that day and now I am an empty shell,David is constantly on my mind and I don’t ever see that diminishing. Not of the opinion that time is a healer. Seems to get harder by the day as longer since we spoke. Like you we told each other we loved each other all the time. When he dropped me off at work we always kissed much to the amusement of colleagues. This existence is too hard without him We are lost souls clinging to each other through this site which I do find helpful. Thanks to all.

  • Annie

    October 23rd, 2016 at 5:27 PM

    Hi Hazel. Believe me I know just how you feel. It will be 6 months on the 25th of this month and your right it seems to get harder. The loss is so unbelievable you can’t really put it into words. Sundays are always the worst for me but everyday is such a struggle. I have strong faith so i believe we will be together again. In the meantime I just try to get through each day and cherish the wonderful memories. I’ll pray for you and wish you comfort.

  • Debbie

    October 24th, 2016 at 5:11 AM

    Hi Hazel, my husband died a month ago and I feel the same as you do and I know I will feel the same in a year, we were like two pees in a pod, life can be so cruel , I keep wondering why. Hugs to you my dear

  • James

    February 22nd, 2017 at 3:04 AM

    It is an impossible situation, unless you can move out of the square. There is romance, life and love out there. Go for it, if you fall on your face, it’s only the gutter your looking at.

  • Jemina

    March 12th, 2017 at 9:46 PM

    I’m sad that so many are hurting but it’s also comforting to know that I am not alone. Lost my husband of 42 years 2 years and 4 months ago and it still feels like yesterday. I have come a long way with the help of spousal loss groups, church family, other widowed friends but sometimes I am right back to square one and it feels like my heart is torn apart. It helps to have people to talk to and share and to pray about it.

  • Ava

    May 6th, 2015 at 2:51 PM

    I lost my Husband Richard of 26 years on April 16 2015. He was my first true love and best friend. I feel like i am so lonely even though I have family and friends everywhere. I miss our conversations and our laughter. I cry daily and I sometimes don’t want to be here without him. But I know God wants to use me for good and my children all need a relationship with God. I Love him and pray I will get through this hard time in my life, I pray for all of you Love AVA

  • Hazel

    August 17th, 2016 at 7:13 AM

    Hi Ava, I know exactly how you feel. I lost my husband of 46 years in January this year and I feel so lost. We lived for each other, we were total soulmates. The children are grown and I have 2 adorable grandkids but they have busy lives. I miss my husband so much it actually hurts, I talk to him everyday and there are days I wonder if it worth staying around but I have an old rescue dog who really needs me and I am sure that she knows how sad I am. Will this pain and heartache ever stop?. Big hug for you Ava.

  • Mary

    May 6th, 2015 at 6:59 PM

    I lost my husband on l2/13/14 to cancer. We had been married 43 years – together 45. He was my best friend. He loved and accepted me for who I am. I know I will never find that kind of love and acceptance again at my age (65). I miss him every day and cry for him. I have been going to a bereavement group that meets once a week. It has been so helpful to talk to others who are going through or have been through what I am feeling. Slowly, I am starting to find my way – to build a new life for myself. It’s hard to get motivated but you have to try. God must have a purpose for me. You have to “be still and wait on the Lord” to direct your steps and lead you where you should go. Please hang in there and don’t give up even when you want to. Walking helps. You have to get out and go. I joined a bowling leaque. We bowl once a week. THe group is made up of other widows. You have to find something you’re interested in and become active. It’s what your husband would want for you. Take care and know that you are not alone. There are many of us going through the same emotions and pain.

  • Byl

    May 25th, 2015 at 4:40 AM

    I lost my husband of 13 years just last May 9 2015. I have been crying everyday. I know I have to take care of myself but sometimes, I feel that it is difficult to move on. I miss him so much. I have enrolled in an certification class and dance class just to have something new to do. Luckily, I have a very supportive family, trying their best to cheer me up. I don’t know what else to do to stop missing him.

  • candice

    June 15th, 2015 at 7:51 PM

    My husband also died on may 9. He had undiagnosed pulmonary fibrosis which has a life span of 2-3 years but he had only 5 weeks. I have been reading OnGrief and Grieving by Elizabeth kubler Ross. Its been very helpful. I have also taken a part time job. I love him dearly and always will but I know he would want me to try to make my life happy. My church friends have helped, but there are many days I just lay around missing him so much. We did everything together, so going to get a cup of coffee is sad. I love and miss him and can’t wait to see him again!!

  • Claire

    September 6th, 2015 at 9:52 AM

    I also lost my husband of 37 years to pulmonary fibrosis on 1 May 2015. What a vicious disease this is. He was admitted into hospital 8 weeks before he died and never came home. Nobody knows what caused it and he took everybody by surprise, including the nurses/doctors/consultants that were caring for him, when he died suddenly. I ache and long for him.

  • AloneOnEarth

    June 21st, 2016 at 12:51 AM

    I’m reading this book too. The perspective is mainly for the one who is facing his/her own death, I don’t really think it works the same for the one left behind. For me, I don’t feel guilty, I just feel so sad, that I really can’t accept the fact. I knew what has happened and I could never turn back clock, but I just can’t face the cruelty and be brave enough to cope with the reality. I know I am coward but I just can’t. It has been 4 months now and I don’t know if time will really work to drag me out from the endless darkness. I am planless and dreamless. All I can see is enormous sadness and emptyness

  • elaine w

    July 11th, 2015 at 5:26 PM

    I lost my husband to glioblastoma on May 9 2015..we were married 32 years..I have good and bad days..I have not been able to return to work..I will after Labor day..The hardest thing for me is he was a master musician and produced his own music.this was his soul.He only was sble to do this full time for 18 months until he fell sick.The hard thing for me is that I feel his dream was taken away piece by piece as his brain deteriorated..I gave most of his music away to people I thought would use it in his memory..but I have a hard time with this..everyone loved my Mark..I love him dearly,but for me for now,the music has stopped…I pray a lot..God will take care of u and me.Elaine

  • Mary L.

    May 25th, 2015 at 8:16 PM

    The ache of missing him will ease w/time; but will never go away completely. The only thing to do is stay as busy as you can to distract yourself. My husband of 45 years was my best friend – my soul mate. He was a remarkable man – full of energy and enthusiasm for life that he carried with him in whatever he did. I gauess the Lord must have some purpose in mind for me since he left me here and took my husband. Stay strong and hang in there.

  • Ann

    June 7th, 2015 at 9:36 AM

    He died 12/31/2014. I am devastated. Every morning I cry that I am still alive and did not die during the night. No I am not suicidal (I don’t think I am today but maybe tomorrow).
    The pain of being without him is unbearable. I get up and go through the motions of every day of life. Today I cannot do it.
    I can’t bathe, I can’t get dressed, I can’t sleep. It does not get easier. Everyone lies about that. Therapy once a month is not helping. Nothing is helping………….

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    June 8th, 2015 at 9:45 AM

    Thank you for your comment, Ann. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • C

    July 3rd, 2016 at 3:44 PM

    I lost my husband in 2006, was a car accident , I was recuperating from my accident as well, when he just left…
    I don’t know what to do, can’t let go…
    All I know is that my life stopped the day he died.
    We had so many plans , he was my everything , my best friend…
    Now what?
    Why he promised grow older together …
    Why so soon…
    He was 40 years old, I was 38.
    I was left with no family, he was my family.
    AM i going crazy.
    All I do is cry…and blame myself for it.
    Because he left that day to go get chinese food, I tried to get in the car, but I had a back fusion… I wish I can turn back time.

  • GoodTherapy Admin

    GoodTherapy Admin

    July 3rd, 2016 at 7:45 PM

    Dear C,

    If you would like to consult with a mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage, http://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area.

    Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

    Kind regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Gail

    July 2nd, 2015 at 11:25 AM

    Dear Ann, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband in August 2013 after 47 years of marriage. I have also been to hell and back but believe me it does get a little easier as time goes by.

    I was like you in the beginning my Brian’s hospice doctor came to the house the day he passed and gave me some very good advice that I will share with you. She told me to get up every morning, shower and get out of the house as often as I could. She told me that in the beginning I would have to make myself do these things but in the end, she was right.

    I too still have days when this is still very hard for me to do but I do feel better when I follow her advice.

    You need to slow down and take baby steps in the beginning otherwise it can all become very overwhelming.

    I hope in some small way this may help you on your very difficult journey.

    Good luck and know that there are people who care about you and want to help you through this very difficult process.

  • Patti

    August 28th, 2015 at 11:54 AM

    Ann I just came across this website and saw your post. It is exactly what I am feeling. It’s been 4 years since I lost my husband to brain cancer. The first two years I was a total mess. I to went to therapy every week. I basically was told what I was feeling was normal. Normal! I sure don’t feel normal. I couldn’t get out of bed had constant panic attacks cried constantly and didn’t even shower sometimes for a week. My daughter and grandson have been a huge help. My daughter finally came to me and pleaded to me to get better. She cried how bad she needed me and my grandson needs his grandma. We talked for qwite a while. It was better than any therapy session I’ve had. I gave her my word that I would try. I started doing small things at first. When I woke up I made the bed right away. I started walking with my daughter early in the morning. I’ve relaped back to my old ways a few times but my daughter would not allow it. I have no real friends except her. She has saved my life. Am I over him. No not at all. Probably never. But I don’t have so many horrible days anymore although some still come. Today is one of them. That’s why when I saw your post I cried. For you for me for my beautiful husband of 30 yrs. I hope my story of my journey leaves you with a sense of hope.

  • Anne

    June 13th, 2016 at 10:15 AM

    I lost my husband of 20 years June 2015, he was riddled with cancer and I only got 7 weeks from diagnoses with him, he was my first and only love, I got him home for the last few weeks and by then tumers were going in his head, I awoke to him bringing fluid up from his chest not being able to breath, it wasn’t for long but how do you cope with seeing that! I still cry that I wake every morning and I’m not with him, it’s only my step daughter that has kept me here. The pain doesn’t get any better, I feel worse now than ever and can’t wait for the day I can be with him, if God loves me it’ll be soon.
    Anne

  • jen

    June 9th, 2015 at 4:46 AM

    I lost my husband a couple of weeks ago. We just got married in Dec, we are young and I’m currently 5 months pregnant w/ our 1st child (a boy). At least for you people you had a chance to live for several years your married life, I guess we didn’t get that chance (we did not live together before marriage). Just a few minutes ago I was praying to God that this is all just a bad dream and that I would wake up soon and find that my husband is alive,well and healthy (he suddenly died a couple of weeks ago after getting hospitalized for an infection). While praying my phone rang,it was my mother in law telling me things like arranging my husband’s social security, about a tv she got from our home that she wanted to keep as my husband has told him it was his only company at home (I actually left our home a month before because he was going out w/ gay men,doing drugs,abusive and I got scared for myself and the baby). But before he got hospitalized we were already in good terms,was actually planning to have a talk that weekend and hopefully move back in w/him. Now I’m so devastated.It seems to be getting worse,the pain and sadness…

  • Monica

    October 28th, 2015 at 3:07 PM

    I understand your bitterness about not having time with your husband like a lot of the other people here did. I had only one year with my love before he died, and we didn’t even have the chance to live together or be married yet. I will always cherish the time we had, but it will never be enough. It will be 10 years in March since he died, and I still cry for him every day. It’s unthinkable when you’re so young, you never expect this to happen to you. I was 20 years old when he died, but even if I live to be 100, I’ll miss him every day of my life. I’m so sorry for your devastating loss.

  • Mini

    August 23rd, 2016 at 12:57 PM

    Dear jen,
    I am also facing the she problem . I got married in 20 Feb 2015 and my husband expired in 2 Oct 2015. He was in army . died in road accident. I was pregnant that time. My husband and I both convinced our parents for almost one year for this marriage and this is we got from destiny. Every time I ask from god why you did that to both of us. He may be crying somewhere for me and I am crying for him.what should we do?????

  • Precious

    September 17th, 2016 at 2:52 PM

    Hi, I lost my husband on the 11 of Dec 2015, it feels like yesterday. I was 26 years at the time with a 2 year old and a 1 year old. He passed away in a car accident on his way from work. I fell asleep while waiting for him, I dreamt someone asking me what I would do if he would die, woke up in the middle of the night to go look for him. Deep inside I knew he was gone I felt it and was just dumb. It has now been 9 months and have less paperwork to keep me busy. I miss him and dream about him more often, like everyday. I am experiencing constant headaches and a heart pains. I am trying to keep strong for my kids.

  • Sandra

    September 18th, 2016 at 4:56 AM

    …Precious…I’m so sorry for your loss…it’s so sad, you are so young and two babies to look after…..It’s people like you who keep me going in a sense….I keep thinking, Miles is gone, I miss him so much, but at least we had 48 years together ( married for 44yrs )….Then there’s young people like you who hardly had a chance…my heart breaks for you…Please be strong for your babies….it’s a long journey, for anyone that truly cares…..Bless you and your little ones…x

  • Valerie

    November 22nd, 2016 at 10:15 AM

    My husband passed away on 10/29/2016…3 days shy of our 1 year Anniversary…it happened suddenly and I was taking him to work, I am devastated, I feel lost and alone w/out him. He was a good, kind man with a very generous heart. He adored me and loved me deeply. It was my first marriage, he was 56, me 48. It was a once in a lifetime kind of love. I ask WHY everyday, Feel guilt, feel anger, feel sadness, feel all kinds of emotions. I didn’t imagine our life together ending so soon….We still had so much to do as a couple….he always said WE ARE STRONGER TOGETHER THAN APART…..now we apart and I feel weak and useless.

  • Kathy

    June 9th, 2015 at 2:22 PM

    I recently lost my beloved best friend soulmate my everything my husband of 19 years im 39 so was he
    he died 3rd june 2015 he should have been 40 next week
    We had no babies i always thought we would i never gave up hope but now its all over

  • ava

    July 4th, 2015 at 8:08 AM

    I am so sorry for your loss. I know the pain you are feeling because I am to a widow. I was married 26 years I’m 42. I was married young. Just wanted you to know you are not by your self.Sending you a hug I pray God comfort us at this time in our lives. Love Ava

  • Fran

    July 11th, 2015 at 12:08 PM

    On June 10, 2015 my husband hugged me, kissed me and said I love you..be back as soon as I get finished with the job..8 hours later I received a visit from county deputy and my son in law that my husband was killed in a industrial accident..my world and life was completely shattered..we were married for 30 yrs 1 1/2 mos when he left his earthly home..I’m in deep grief, mourning, loneliness and emptiness..my family has been so supportive daily yet the magnitude of his loss is sometimes more than I can bear..I try to continue with a love we both shared and that was raising horses and we even bought a new horse the week before he was killed of which she will produce a baby in 2016. Going to our “happy place” each day which happens to be our pasture and barn with our horses helps me make it thru the day..We kept chairs under a tree where we set, held hands and shared I love you so many times..now the chairs are in the same place but only one chair is filled and that’s me setting in it..I did hang wind chimes in the tree and planted a rose bush..The chimes are very comforting to me and two days ago a gorgeous rose was in full bloom..I know it’s going to be a long journey and I know he would not want me to give up on our dream..I pray each and every day..several times a day..I set in “our” chairs under the tree, listening to the soft chimes, feeling the light breeze and talk to him..cry..get angry for leaving me and then I tell him good bye..see you tomorrow and leave for my home where I am greeted by our “4 legged children” that are full of happiness to see me..It’s the hardest thing I have ever experienced and I pray there comes a day I can be totally happy..he always told me it made him feel so loved when he would see me smile..

  • Becky

    August 5th, 2016 at 2:30 AM

    Dear Fran,
    I’m so very sorry. Your story is very similar to mine. My husband of 12 years died in a work accident as well 5 weeks ago. I’m so thankful that I got up early with him that morning, made him coffee and muffins, stood outside on the deck with him to watch the sunrise, hugged and kissed him and then we told each other I love you. I even texted him an I love you message just a couple hours before his accident. I am so very grateful for our last loving moments, but devastated too. He had just completed planting an orchard in our back yard where our two chairs sit. We would spend time admiring our hard work and dream of the future making wine with the fruits of our labor. Now it hurts to sit there alone but I promised him I will continue to care for the orchard, as it is his legacy. Keeping busy has been my saving grace. I miss his laughter and his arms around me. I just don’t know what I’d do without my kids and my family, I thank god for them everyday. I miss him so much.

  • Erin

    July 11th, 2015 at 1:00 PM

    My husband of almost 9 years (together for 10) was murdered on April 4th. It has been 3 months and it only gets worse each day. When he died I was 7 months pregnant with our sixth child. I survived for some time just by being busy, but once our son was born, a tiny replica of him, it all became too much. I hate life. I hate waking up and living without him. It is more unbearable each day. He was the most important thing in the world to me. At first I thought I could force myself to survive the next 18 years, just to get all the children to adulthood and then I would end it so I could be with him. Now, as each day gets more horrid, I don’t think I can go on any longer. I don’t want to hurt my children, but I don’t want to live in a constant state of rage and pain anymore. I needed him and I still do. He was my happiness and now that happiness is gone. I cannot even enjoy my children anymore. I take care of them and act affectionately with them, but I am a hollow, empty shell. Our 9th wedding anniversary will be exactly 4 months since he was shot. I see no point to life. I really don’t want to keep waking up.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    July 11th, 2015 at 4:31 PM

    Thank you for your comment, Erin. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Gina

    August 2nd, 2015 at 12:10 AM

    I am truly sorry. I can relate to the not caring anymore. It’s hard to see a light at the end of the tunnel with the Boulder in the middle. I do understand that one. I wished I had some wonderful words of wisdom but I don’t. I just want to say you aren’t alone in your daily struggle to care. You aren’t wrong to feel the way you do. I realize you don’t know me but maybe we can walk through this tunnel together. I’m here if you need a friend.

  • Christine

    August 6th, 2016 at 10:14 PM

    Erin, I know exactly how you feel but before you harm yourself know that suicide is something that those left behind will never get over. My daughter Teresa chose to take her own life 9 years ago at the age of 39. She was in an abusive marriage and had left but would always go back to him. She had only been back with him for 2 months when she chose this way out and the grief is still something that I can’t get over. To lose a loved one to suicide is like a living hell to those left behind. You blame yourself that maybe there was something that you could or should have done or picked up on. I also lost my husband of 49 years on 1-2-16 and feel that I don’t have anything left to live for and am just waiting to join them but I have 2 other adult children and would never chose suicide because I know how much pain it causes those left behind. I just lost my husband of 49 years on 1-2-16. Some of the best times that we spent was just taking a ride and stopping for a cup of coffee, sitting out on the porch and talking, or watching television together. My husband was in the hospital for an ulcer on the bottom of his foot that was infected. He was a diabetic and it wouldn’t heal. He was being treated at the wound care center of a VA Hospital about 60 miles away where he insisted on being treated instead of a local hospital. I am 69 years old and it was hard to travel back and forth every day so I would go down there every 2nd or third day and just call to see how he was doing. While there he fell and injured his arm which also got infected and he got MRSA in the infected arm, then pneumonia causing him to go into a coma. He had 3 different infections by this time which no doubt caused him to go into the coma. He was on a ventilator for about 3 months and came out of the coma but couldn’t move or walk due to having been bedridden for so long. They had also put a trach in his throat for the ventilator and had him on a feeding tube. He couldn’t talk because of the trach and couldn’t write what he wanted to say because his right side was weak and he couldn’t lift his arm to write. He would struggle to talk and get frustrated. After he was breathing on his own for 2 weeks they still left the trach in and said that he had to leave the hospital and go to a nursing home because insurance would no longer pay for hospital care. Because of the trach, they wouldn’t take him at a nursing home close to home and we had to have him go to one about 45 miles away. He was making progress and the therapy seemed to be helping as he was able to move his hand and arm on his right side and his foot a little. My daughter and I visited with him on New Years Day and they said that he had therapy and was doing well. The next day we got a call that he went into cardiac arrest and was being taken to the hospital. By the time that my son and I got down there he was gone. It was such a shock. I knew that he had been very ill but I never expected him to die after coming out of the coma and seeming to be making progress. He was 73. Today would have been our 50th wedding anniversery, and it was especially hard.
    I spent most of the day in bed crying and wishing that I could be with my husband and daughter Teresa. My daughter Julie talked me into getting out of the house with her and we took a ride to West Virginia which is a state over from Pennsylvania where we live. We stopped at a resturant and had dinner of which I could only choke down a few bites. I do appreciate that she cared enough to be with me.
    I believe in God and life after death and believe that I will see them again, but it still hurts that they are not here with me. I don’t feel like taking calls from friends because I still break down and cry and feel that they can’t understand how I feel since they have their husbands, children, grandchildren. My brother tells me that I am lucky that I had him for as long as I did and should be thankful. I tell him that he wouldn’t be saying that if one of his sons committed suicide and he lost his wife
    because you can’t understand how someone else feels unless it’s happened to you.
    May God give us the strength, courage and will to move on because I know that our loved ones would want this for us.

  • Fran

    July 12th, 2015 at 8:06 AM

    Dear Erin: I do understand the depth of your pain and grief..PLEASE look around and see the six precious blessings you have and they need you…I truly know there are days when you feel like your feet are embedded in concrete and can’t move forward..YOU CAN..is it easy? absolutely not..it’s something you have to do and know that your husband would be so proud of you for doing what you do best and that’s be a mom to your children..DO NOT give up or give in..I know I’m in the early stages of my grief and sorrow and because I know how my husband loved and adored me to the depths of his soul and beyond is what keeps me going and my choice is to lean on my Christian beliefs and remember all the wonderful memories we shared together..Stay strong..you will come thru the black tunnel..look towards the light of happiness each time you look at your “babies”..

  • neva

    July 14th, 2015 at 7:05 PM

    I lost my mark on july 7 we were married 31 years I fell so lost without him everything in this house is him I look in the yard for him cancer took him he was only 53 we had so many plans what do I do now I quit my job to take care of him best thing I every did spend the last 4 months with him I hear him call.my name wish he was here

  • Dallas

    July 15th, 2015 at 11:15 PM

    I understand. About missing. Him. I do everyday.

  • Dallas

    July 15th, 2015 at 11:10 PM

    I’m a widow at 52. I lost my husband, to stage 4 lung cancer. We were married 30 years & 33 all together.I have two kids one son & one daughter. And, one grandchild. It’s. going on 2 years. It’s. hurts so much. The first year u grieve for kids. The second year u grieve. For your Self. U have your good days and bad u ask why me. It can be lonely, painful,scared. U just miss them so much. But, u know u are not the only one going though losing a husband or wife. But, the pain is still there. Got figure out how to move forewarned. In due time.

  • Dallas

    July 15th, 2015 at 11:29 PM

    Along, with my husband. I have lost so many family members. My sister,stepfather, mother in law, father in law. my dad. My mom had colon cancer. She will be 74, August 9th. And, my baby brother, has stage 4 throat cancer. At the age of 44.

  • Mary L

    July 18th, 2015 at 11:17 PM

    Lost my husband of 58 yrs April 5th he had bone cancer; I feel so lost and sad, I cry the minute I awake and evenings seem to be worse. Have gone back to my dance classes and exercise a few sessions with Hospice (I cry there too) I feel I have lost part of myself.

  • patty

    July 19th, 2015 at 2:02 PM

    I lost my husband, married 39 yrs,together 41,,suddenly and unexpectedly on 7/13/14 (Sunday night). He kissed me good night, told me he loved me and went down the hall to bed about 9:30pm. I went down the hall about 45 minutes later and he was in the floor by the bed. Was horrible as you can imagine. I’ve went through all of the holidays etc. Just had one year anniversary of his
    leaving me. I truly think that I thought that once that one year had passed that I would somehow start feeling better…..I don’t, you know you get to where you don’t cry every time you say his name but I know I’m depressed, I have no desire to live. I go through the motions.. Get up go to work, do what I have to. At the house I just sit, have no desire to clean the house… Our oldest daughter told me today that they are going to have to have an intervention because of the condition of the house.. I hope I start doing better soon.

  • Fran

    July 20th, 2015 at 1:30 PM

    Patty..I feel your pain..I feel your emptiness..I feel everything you are experiencing..what I am making myself do is move around..clean your house..you know your love would not want you to neglect your normal routine..it’s extremely hard to do the most common things we use to do..sometimes I feel like my feet are stuck in concrete and then I have to remember that my loving husband would never, ever want me to be so depressed that I couldn’t function..he always told me I had so much strength and could handle anything that came up..well..little did he know how much strength I lost when he suddenly left me and for HIM I will continue on..yes I cry a lot..tears are a way to relieve some of the grief..yes I talk to him on a daily basis..it’s a horrible journey we are all traveling and I know one day I will see him again..in the meantime, I must move on..I am also going to grief counseling, talk to friends and acquaintenances that are experiencing the same thing..let yourself talk about every emotion you feel..it is good for the soul..please take care..Fran

  • bazooka kamikaze

    July 25th, 2015 at 5:29 AM

    My husband died at work from a heart attack, on 13/07/2015,we were together for 19 years and almost married for 3 years, he was my heart, our kids my soul, we were inseparable we did everything together, now that he is gone I feel cold lost lonely and incomplete without him, I cry rivers of tears everyday, I just can’t handle that he is gone, I feel like life not worth living unless I have him by my side, I know I have to be strong for our beautiful babies, I can hug and kiss them tell them everything is going to be ok, but the person who always says that to me is no longer around, my husband was my soul mate,I go in everyday to the funeral home where he is and tell him how much I love and miss him, and how much our babies love and miss him,I play our wedding songs and our song, when I look at him I keep waiting for him to wake up and tell me to take him home,his funeral is this Friday 31/07/2015 and I know it’s goin to be the last time I see him in the flesh, before it all becomes a memory, when they close the lid on his casket my heart will shader for he was my one and only,I don’t think I can go on without him, our love is a rare kind, can anyone offer me any help :-)

  • Gio

    July 27th, 2015 at 8:34 PM

    Hi, I was looking for some help online and I found you. My husband past away a month in a half ago from a heart attack,in my arms, I couldn’t bring him back to life, I did all I could but the end was the same. My one and only, the love of my life, was gone. Twelve years of inconditional love and memmories were dissipated in only a couple of minutes. Since then,I’m not me anymore, I feel just like you, I’ve been having conversations with people who suffered the same pain but to me nothing is comparable with the kind of love and relationship my baby and I had, same than you, we were always together, loving and showing each other in any type of way our love, I only wish to be death with him but everytime I look to my 6 years old son and heard him to say “Mamy everything is going to be OK, we have to be strong” my heart drops and is in that moment when I realize that if I’m still here, is only for him. I know it takes a lot from us to reassure our kids and tell them everything is going to be OK too, when the person who used to tell us that is not here anymore, is like accepting that from now on we are abligated to live for other people and without happiness whatsoever. Just wanted to tell you I feel the same way, you are not alone, there are more people like you, with a weird kind of love. I’m here for you, we are here for our little ones, praying for you and I!

  • Helen

    June 20th, 2016 at 3:35 PM

    How are you doing now,dear, closer to a year since your loss? My husband died on Aug. 10, 2015. I am living, but the pain of not having him is strong. But we do not have choice. Kids need us, right?

  • Fran

    July 28th, 2015 at 8:50 AM

    Gio..be blessed that you have a child that loves you unconditionally and lifts you up when needed..Family and close friends is what keeps me going along with my Christian faith..I did a task yesterday that literally put me on my knees in a complete meltdown of crying..my husband was a very well dressed cowboy..jeans and shirts were impeccably starched..hat had to set on his head a certain way and in the laundry room was a stack of his worn clothes he had to be taken to the laundry..I have let them set there for 7 weeks now thinking I will take them to the laundry then I ask myself why? that’s when the true acceptance hit me he would never return to me..I sobbed as I packed them away while my two canine buddies were consoling me and moved them into a room we never use..after I closed the door a strength came over me and I knew I had finally accepted his death..now I just move to the next level of grief and eventually to a place where it will get softer..He will never leave my heart or my mind yet he would want me to move forward..he always told me “get back on track and focus, you can do this” well..I’m looking for that track to get back on and focus..focus on the amazing man that I called my husband, lover, best friend, confidant..in time this will happen..just believe..Fran

  • Gina

    August 1st, 2015 at 11:56 PM

    I can’t even describe the relationship I had with my husband. In the beginning it was great but throughout it was complicated with his addiction to drugs & alcohol which ended in a divorce. Throughout the 14 years we’ve been divorced, we became best friends, he became sober and we promised each other that when the kids were older and would understand, we’d get back together and finish our lives in the way we initial thought we would. Then I received the worst news 1143 days ago. He was found unresponsive and brain dead. Utter shock and disbelief is where I remain today. Our youngest has now graduated and this is the time we should have been together again. It’s all I’ve planned on for 14 years I was waiting. I don’t know how I let go to that dream. To the memories. To my love. Everyday is a struggle and every night is pure h*** inside my mind.

  • Jenny C.

    August 9th, 2015 at 3:30 AM

    I lost my husband February last year unexpectedly he went to the shop and suffered a massive heart attack I keep thinking he is going to walk through the door and say hi honey I’m home just like he used to when he went
    somewhere he was my world and even though I have my beautiful children that I love dearly I miss my Fred so much I feel so alone and lost I just want him back

  • maureen

    August 10th, 2015 at 11:56 AM

    I lost my husband the 24th day of march 2015.that was unexpected, and I know he felt the same way.he was so active, both sports and healthy activities.but that midnight is a nightmare. God took him for seconds, he suffered for chest pain the whole day of 23 but the pain was tolerable so he worked the whole day. Nothings unusual that evening.12 mdnght he insisted to go to the hospital alone for a check up, he drove in our motor and reached d hspitl…I don’t know how to drive our 4wheels car, I asked sombdy to drive for me just to get there. My sister is a nurse and happened to be on duty assisting the doctor.I called my sis and told me that he was just OK they were chatting and telling my hubby that his bp increases so they will admit him. I was on my way then to the hospital, and reached the ER. I was looking for them. Noticed nurses in a hurry for a patient. It was my husband.I looked at them but they were all busy giving life to my hubby.I held his hands and told him I’m here.to pls fight. He saw me, held my hand too.but that was his last breath. We have our a nine year old son, I don’t know how to tell him that moment.but he’s more stronger than I am.he don’t want to talk about his father he don’t want to see me crying.I don’t know if that’s right. I want him to cry out loud , I know he loves his dad . I celebrated our 10th wedding anniv.last July 8, we were 13 years together .he’s just 47 and I’m 35.
    Its been 5mos of living alone. I don’t know how to start life . he’s more than a husbNd, my best friend, my partner in business. Now he’s gone, I have to learn all his teachings.I hate waking up and having breakfast alone.but I have to fight for life I still have my son he needs me most.thanks god my family is supportive they never left me because they are grieving too. We have to help each other to surpass this.I don’t know what god’s plan for us. But one thing I’m sure of.I’ll see him there…

  • Doren

    December 10th, 2015 at 9:07 PM

    Hi Maureen. How are you doing now? Its quite the same with my husband, very unexpected. He had a massive hemorrhagic stroke. It happened at work with no indications at all. He passed away two months ago. All you’ve said is the same thing i’m feeling. I can’t describe the kind of pain, sadness and devastion i feel everyday.

  • Bette

    August 23rd, 2015 at 9:15 PM

    I have read everyone’s heartbreaking story of loss — and of course I too lost my beloved husband, March 18, 2014. It’s been 17-months now! We were married 45-years and we have three wonderful adult children, two grandsons, and had just retired in 2011 to enjoy life together, or so we thought! Like all of you, our relationship was very unique and so, so very special – we were each other’s soulmates, lovers, best friends, partners, and we did EVERYTHING together! His passing came about after a long, hard fought two-year battle with oral cancer. And, although I would literally give anything to have him back, it would only be if he could have his good health restored! His was a slow, emaciating, form of the disease that caused him to lose his tongue, bottom lip, jawbone, and various muscles from other parts of his body. He endured three months of horrid radiation and chemotherapy, followed by three major surgeries, several tracheotomies and skin grafts! And of course he lost 60-lbs and became skeleton-like in appearance. The toughest part was his inability to speak or eat. He was placed on a feeding tube/liquids only, for the last 15-months of his life, and he had to write everything down in order to communicate with anyone! It was extremely frustrating for him and we were both very grateful for cell phones/texting, which enabled us to have wonderful, sweet verbal exchanges with one another — I hold those exchanges near and dear to my heart even now! Over these 17-months, like all of you, I found it almost unbearable to continue on with life – all my purpose and reasons for living were gone and so was the love! To make matters worse, we’d lived in our home for 23-years, so every where I turned reminded me of him! BUT, and this is a biggy, once the worst of my sorrow and tears subsided (I cried non-stop for several months) – I began having what I can only call “visitations” from him! Although I couldn’t see him, I could feel him — these very sweet, very loving feelings that seemed to come out of no where and fill me with this wonderful feeling of being loved! The first few times it occurred I didn’t realize what it was, but eventually I came to realize it was him!! I KNEW it was him – no one else ever made me feel that way! Since then, I have had this happen many, many, many times and at times even heard his voice in my head, speaking to me and making jokes, etc. What I began to realize was the sadness and sorrow that I felt and would allow myself to slip in and out of – seemed to drive him away! (When he was alive, he found it unbearable to see me cry!) But when my sorrow would subside and I was “open” and in a more neutral frame of heart and mind — I’d sense him with me!! Please know I don’t share this lightly with any of you, and know that I’m not a drinking woman or crazy druggy individual – I never drank or took any type of legal or illegal “medications” to get me through his death or to this point. But I’m sharing this with you because I don’t believe my experience is unique and that you shouldn’t give up on having a spiritual relationship with your husband. For me, I went searching because I was unable to accept that this beautiful spirit had just vanished into thin air!! But I went through all of the pain and feelings of loss and emptiness first. My thoughts and prayers go out to each of you – that, in life, you will feel your husbands spirit near and close and feel that love once again! Stay open girls!! — Although I still miss my husband terribly, feeling/sensing his presence has helped more than I could ever express!

  • Isabel

    August 29th, 2015 at 8:37 AM

    Hi Bette!I’ve just read about your loss and it’s so strange,the date on top is ( the 23th ), that day, many,many years ago my late husband declared his love for me! He died 15 months ago ! We were married almost 49 years, and part of me died with him! I believe in everything you have written! I want to be closer to him, connected spiritualy to him,but still I’am crying almost every day! I don’t know how to continue,I don’t know what to do! I also sense that he is with me! But still I can’t live without him! Thank you for giving me the opportunity of having found you here ! All the best! Isabel

  • Diane

    September 5th, 2015 at 9:44 AM

    Bette Thank you so much, your post has given me hope , thank you again x

  • Gill

    September 27th, 2015 at 9:50 PM

    Dear Bette, I lost my lovely man on the 3rd July this year. He had been ill for over two years with bowel cancer. We hoped he was getting through it, he was always very positive, thought always of everybody else before himself, everybody that new him thought a lot of him. Anyway we had been married 42 years and together for 45. The loss sometimes is unbearable. I try to carry on but sometimes like now I wonder why. Yesterday I was sitting outside in the sunshine and I looked all around me we live in the countryside and I thought how can I survive on my own, I have got all this but without Roy it seems pointless. Then you shake yourself up try and keep busy think positive and try to get on with your day. I believe he has been to see me twice. The one time he was in the kitchen and I thought touch him and my hand would go straight through him! But it didn’t his hand was as solid as mine, I rubbed his back and then he slowly disappeared, it was lovely. Things happen in the house and I think there he is. When I am on my own I feel lonely, when I have visitors I want them to go home and if I go away overnight I just want to get home. It seems very strange, the doctor said it is because Roy was always here and I feel safe. I have two brilliant dogs, I do not know how I would cope without them. You say that You lost your hubby 17 months ago, I can’t seem to see that far. Sorry for the long reply. Will try and get a bit of a kip need to walk dogs and go to work. Gill D.

  • Judy

    March 31st, 2017 at 4:26 PM

    Thank you Bette, for your beautiful post. I too have shared a spiritual connection. I am not a church-going person, though I do believe in God and have been struggling with Faith since my husband died. The pain has been unbearable. I do my best to get through every day and cry myself to sleep most nights. Now, it may have been a dream, but I truly do not believe it was. One night, I felt his lips kiss my cheek and he whispered into my ear “I am so proud of you. I will always love you.” My heart swelled and I awoke feeling more content and “damn near happy” than I had in months. I love coming here and knowing I am not alone

  • Theresa

    August 24th, 2015 at 4:47 PM

    I lost my husband on July 8 2015 we had only been married a little over 1 &1/2 years It was a 2nd marriage for me and a 3 rd for him. He had just retired last year in June, and had some health problems that were all taken of. I thought we had 20 years together left . I’m having a hard time thinking that my life is so unsettled I thought things were were going to be Ok and happy for a while. I will be 64 in a little over a week and the thought of having to be on my own again is just tough . I don’t get the things done I need to do with my business I’m still just getting by with all the day to day stuff that has had to get done. I have not been able to get help until the middle of Sept. so I am just going day to day .

  • BETTE

    August 29th, 2015 at 1:33 PM

    Dearest Isabel – thank you so much for reaching out to me!! Because these are such difficult, almost unbearable emotions, it is so meaningful to have someone, somewhere that understands how devastated life has become with out our loved one!! It’s such a challenge for me EVERYDAY to try to find purpose/meaning in my life – when you’re married for such a long time, as you know, you become a part of one another and going on afterwards feels empty and pointless. Because I’ve always been such an upbeat, positive person and always worked to resolve any problems, I found myself in totally uncharted emotional territory – experiencing things I’d NEVER experienced before and I believe this caused my husband to get very close to me. — He was such a loving, caring individual when he was alive and was so appreciative of all that we did for him during his illness, that I finally realized it was his warmth and love I was/am experiencing! I finally came to realize and believe that he wants me to move forward in life and so I try continually to do that!
    For me Isabel, initially the sense of his presence was what I experienced and because I don’t have a spiritual or religious background, I didn’t understand what was happening to me and what I was experiencing. So I began to find and read books that addressed the topic. This reading and searching over these many months has brought a great deal of understanding and insight to living/dying/spirituality and religion, etc. , and it has really enriched my life. And so I’m finding myself gaining a little strength every few days/weekly, to keep getting up/moving forward. Please know that you’ll be in my prayers and I’ll be thinking of you often. My love and best wishes to you Isabel….don’t give up!!!

  • George

    September 2nd, 2015 at 7:35 PM

    I lost my wife of 25 years May 21st 2013.I loved that woman so. I thought i had grieved before her passing so a few months later I began a new relationship. Everything going great until this pass 2 year anniversary of her passing. since then I have found myself hiding to cry so no one sees. nothing big triggers it it just happens. been keeping it bottled up inside. Then a neighbor whom i love dearly reminded me of all the things i have had to deal with in the last 5 years lots of loss and pain. And suddenly I am out of control sobbing, not being able to make sense of all this emotion. I feel as if i am grieving all over again. has anyone else been thru a delayed thing like this.

  • Keith

    October 8th, 2016 at 9:24 AM

    My Claire past away on July 26 2016 we had 17 years together. Iwas alright at first but now it so hard to do anything I am sad and crying all the time

  • Annie

    October 8th, 2016 at 1:13 PM

    Hi Keith. I know exactly how you feel. Bill passed on April 25,2016. I think in the beginning you’re numb. As the days pass into weeks then months reality sets in. It will be six months on the 25th and I have been very lonely and tend to cry a lot more now. I will pray for you. I know how hard this journey is. Just know you will see her again. And try to focus that she is there with you and always will be. Keep the faith.

  • BETTE

    September 3rd, 2015 at 12:44 PM

    Hello George – I’m feeling so much empathy for you. Although I have not had a similar experience, I believe my husband may have reacted similarly, if I had passed away first. If you’ve experienced a tremendous amount of loss and pain – it wears on a persons soul and can cause so much unhappiness and sorrow that people find it intolerable and, I believe, with some of us that’s when our “survival instincts” kick-in! — A relationship with another human being at that particular time was just what was needed to minimize your further suffering and sorrow. — I’m sure the relationship has been a tremendous help to your psyche and enabled you to keep going and get stronger in spirit! Alas, I’m also aware that grieving is a process and everybody goes through it differently, but if you short-circuited the process – you’ve left it unresolved, to resurface eventually. I’d suggest that you let yourself walk through the grieving process as it unfolds going forward – nothing to be ashamed of or feel you need to hide – this was the “natural” progression of your grieving. I found that when I shared my grief with the people in my life, I understood it more, felt the love I was missing, and healed considerably faster. I wish you well and know that you’re communicating with a very loving, caring and understanding collection of persons in this group – so please don’t hesitate to stay in communication and share whatever you’d like. Blessings to you.

  • judith

    September 3rd, 2015 at 6:10 PM

    I met my gorgeous husband at 15. It was electricity from the first moment we met. He never stopped telling me I was the best looking woman in the room (not true). Recently we celebrated our 50th wedding anniversary. Two weeks later, he was dead and he took my heart w him. It was sudden and a surprise. After reading all your stories, I realized that I was lucky to have him so long. This is my message to you. Most talked about your great love. We are the winners in the lottery of love. Most dont have that passion nor that love. Cherish that. Your loved one would not you to curl up and die but live. I lived a great life and in honor of my ” beautiful boy” will continue in his honor. Life is a gift don’t throw it away.

  • george

    September 11th, 2015 at 5:21 PM

    her name was Diane loved her so much

  • BETTE

    September 12th, 2015 at 1:42 PM

    George I will keep you and your beloved Diane in my most positive thoughts and prayers! Please know that your Diane also knows and understands what you are experiencing! I know she loves you too, very much, and wants you to hold-on to and carry within you, the JOY that the two of you shared!! Don’t focus on her absence, but that wonderful love! Best of luck my friend.

  • Jean

    September 13th, 2015 at 11:36 AM

    I miss my husband everyday since he died on 17th April this year after nearly 52 years of marriage. He was my soulmate and my best friend with a fantastic sense of humour. My life will never be the same. I also cry every night and wish he was still with me.
    I am trying to get dates put in to my diary to keep me busy, not easy.

  • BETTE

    September 14th, 2015 at 11:19 AM

    Oh my Jean….I feel for you….52 years….it must feel like a large part of you has left the planet and gone away some where! I find myself in similar circumstances and experiencing the same emotions much of the time and I couldn’t agree more — life will NEVER be the same!! Like you, I’m also learning that life does go on – I must admit there have been many times when I didn’t want it to and didn’t care — it’s a very hard journey, going on without the person you’ve shared more than half your life with! You’re in my thoughts and I hope you continue to add things to your planner — as hard as it can be to move forward – – those things help.

  • JEN

    September 16th, 2015 at 12:15 PM

    Was reading all of comments that others have shared about losing spouses. At first I was not going to share my inner thoughts and feelings. This has been the most challenging event in my life. After 42 yrs of marriage,I lost the other half of my heart. He passed away from stage 4 cancer. It had spread from throat to lungs and finally the spine. He was hospitalized many time’s to try to win this terrible illness. My love was sent home as a hospice pt.Because I have some training as a nurse I was able to help him through painful difficult times.It all started with him having horseness of voice. Took him to throat specialist, had several endoscopic done.Nothing was seen.I watched my friend,my helper,my inner strength, my teacher of life,and how to appreciate and love every minute that God has given us. Way,way back as young people say, he entered my life as a lifeline.He became the closest person in my life.He saved me from many years of being battered and the emotional consequences from this. He was father to 3 little children , ages 3,1/2,and child that I was pregnant.When he saw that I had been beatin badly, he took me to hospital.I was 7 monthe pregnant and had to have emergency c-section.Because of wonderful gift of caring, I had very small 3 pound baby boy.Throughout our 42yrs plus I was blessed to know this wonderful man.Now he is gone.He passed away March 9,1 day after my 69the birthday. I have so much on my plate now.We have legal custody of 2 grandsons that were 7 and 5 when they came to us.Now their teenagers and have been suffering from adhd.I also lost his income from social security. The few family that we have check on us sporadically, they have their lives to.So sorry for this long post,but I felt the need to share this with someone, anyone.

  • Patricia B

    September 19th, 2015 at 12:22 PM

    I have just lost my husband off 27 yrs he was the best thing that ever happened to me he was everything I could off ever wanted he put up with a lot off crap from me through the years cause off my past but he loved me unconditional I have thought off sucide cause I can’t bear him not been here my life dave

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    September 19th, 2015 at 6:23 PM

    Thank you for your comment, Patricia. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Sally

    September 29th, 2015 at 5:32 PM

    My husband died 4 months ago and ifeel that when he died my life ended too. I am very fortunate to have 2 wonderful sons who are there to support me. But they have their own lives and i dont want to bcome a burden. I miss him so much – he had just retired so that we could spend time together. I’m sad about the holidays we planned that will never happen but that is unimportant. I miss he daily stuff – putting the bins out, feeding the cat, what do you fancy for dinner tonight love? I really dont know how to go on. I thought we would grow old together but now i must face growing old alone. I often wake up and think “whats the point?”

  • Marian

    October 3rd, 2015 at 2:49 PM

    My husband suddenly died in June the day after our 45 anniversary. I feel the same way. My life has no purpose. I cry alot when I am alone. I feel like I am alone and will never be the same. The pain of loss is awful. My cats console me. I wish there were other widows I could communicate with who feel my pain. Sally expressed my feelings. It is good to know there are others going through what I am.

  • Kathy

    October 9th, 2015 at 5:31 PM

    Hang in there Marian. I too lost my husband. We almost made it 40 years. I’m lost without him. I was 19 when we married. This new life takes getting used to. The pain doesn’t go away but you learn how to deal with it better each day. Get back to me if you would like to correspond.

  • ree

    October 1st, 2015 at 9:22 AM

    I lost my husband September 13 but in truth i lost him many years ago to alcohol. Its a terrible disease. I watched him go from a business man and musical prodigy. To a unhealthy man who was spared twice from death who should have felt happy enough to have been spared, but instead unhappy to be here. No i didnt understand the illness i was angry and sad. When the brain is no longer functioning as before i couldnt understand that either.Needless to say ive missed him along time ago but now that he has passed. I am even more depressed. We were married 34 years and i feel so lost,scared and now i dont want to go on. Also left without means to take care of home because i am self employed i will soon be faced with financial difficulties. Anger, depressed, scared. Seems hopless

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    October 1st, 2015 at 12:04 PM

    Hi Ree,
    Thank you for your comment. It takes courage to talk about feelings and share these issues! We hear you and want to provide access to some resources that may be of help. If you are in crisis or feel you are in danger of harming yourself or others, please do not hesitate to call 911 or your local emergency number, or go to your local emergency room. You may also find helpful resources on this page: http://goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    To look for a mental health professional in your area, you can use the GoodTherapy.org directory, accessible here: http://goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

    We are wishing you the very best in your healing, Ree!

    Kind regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Mary

    October 20th, 2015 at 8:57 PM

    I lost my husband sept 19 of the same,damn alcolhol.31 yrs of marriage.i am heartbroken.i knew who really was.he was my only love.you will get through this.it will take time and the grace of God.cling to Him.talk about the good times to people who care.peace to you
    Mary

  • Bette

    October 2nd, 2015 at 12:13 PM

    Hello Gill D. – thank you so much for sharing your story! It’s comforting to know that there are other people on the planet that you can share your experiences, emotions, and thoughts with and know that they will understand! Your husband’s passing is so very recent — I’m sure the experience is a part of everything you do, every thought you think, and every dream you dream! Looking back on those first several months after my husband John passed away, I was totally and completely lost, and the most unsettling part was that I was unable to envision myself living my life without him! I was constantly questioning how could “life” do this to us — feeling it was somehow a “mistake” – it just wasn’t supposed to be this way!! Damn it!! I’ve always been of strong mind and will and I was brought to my knees – totally dysfunctional and didn’t care about raising myself out of it! And I know now, it was John’s remarkable and very comforting love that got me through those times and his love continues to get me through and push me forward! — In these last few months I can feel that he’s pulled back a bit and is saying to me “Come on baby, it’s time to get moving forward again” – he’s getting impatient! LOL! And as hard as it is, I am managing to get on with life! — My husband was very aware of time and I began to realize that he was reminding me that “time” never stops – this was his gentle way of applying some pressure to get me to take one step and then another! — We had unfinished projects and things we wanted to do in life!
    It’s now going on 19-months and I have made some progress AND you will too Gill! Don’t give up everything the two of you cared about and worked so hard for! — And please know that Cancer is such a horrid disease and to face life alone after a long two-year ordeal such as you’ve been through, requires giving yourself plenty of time to recover – body, mind and spirit!! — That experience stays in our hearts and minds for such a long, long while! I’m finally, at this time, in forward motion — each time this occurs it lasts a little longer, but I am now beginning to realize there will come a day in my future when the pain will be overshadowed by the love — I can sense that is coming and has already begun to start! And it will for you too Gill! For whatever reasons we got physically separated from our spouses, I have begun to know, trust and understand that it was not a mistake!
    All my best to you Gill and please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers! Please stay in touch on the website.

  • Chris

    October 3rd, 2015 at 11:53 AM

    On October 22nd it will be one year since my darling husband passed away we had been together for 28 years and married for almost 23 years. He passed away from cancer the day after our oldest sons birthday and 4 days before our 23rd wedding anniversary. I still feel totally lost and still wake in the middle of the night wondering why he hasn’t come to bed. I also lost my dad 10 weeks after my husband. I still find it hard to comprehend that at 47 years old I’m a widow with two disabled sons. I try not too rely on my daughter as she has her own life and I don’t want to become a burden to her.the one bright spot is I have a georgous 3 year old granddaughter. I find that friends have stopped calling and asking me to go out with them. I sometimes feel I should wear a sign that says I’m not interested in your husband.

  • IKaren

    October 4th, 2015 at 5:05 PM

    I lost my darling husband Peter on 31/10/2014and the date is fast approaching for the 1year of his passing I loathe this month also the month my father passed the two men in my life I’ve always loved so deeply I can’t seem to get over the loss I cry constantly don’t want to focus on anything there’s no real purpose anymore god I hate being here if only I could go back I’ll never say goodbye Peter love you then and now forever I keep you in my heart with all my memories of you just not enough to make me feel whole I hate the person I am now and this god awful life without you sweetheart please wait for me until I can be with you again it’s all I hold onto

  • Together forever

    September 11th, 2016 at 6:40 AM

    As I sit here trying to get off the couch, I cry reading your stories. We were married 40 years.i just wish I could get rid of the terribal hurt. I will keep you in all in my prayers. 2zka

  • ces

    October 9th, 2015 at 11:32 PM

    My husband died last August 20 due to a massive heart attack, it was his first attack and I witnessed what hapenned, it was supposed to be a mild stroke based on the doctor’s findings but his head hit my garden stool made of metal, I was able to do an immdeiate cpr and was able to rush him to he hospital.. until now I am at shock because I feel like i’m the one to be blamed why he did not make it. He was revived for 30mins but the doctor said he is already brain dead and there is a little chance for him to survive.. . I was so devastated hat time and until now it keeps on flashing back in my mind. I lost weight, cant sleep, everything that we used to do together like going to the market, grocery,bringing lunch to my kids,drop them to school everyday and fetching them…i do it all now by myself, most of the time I breakdown while driving, i just cry thinking his is all just a dream..but it’s not.. My youngest daughter(age 8) cries most of the time too. She does’nt want to go to school and is quiet most of the time. When we are having dinner and we talk about their dad..i just breakdown and cry..I wanted to be strong for our 3 children and my mom said that we need to consult a counselor. I need your help. Where do I go? We have been together for 17 years and it was all good memories. I miss him everyday.

  • gmorales75

    April 10th, 2017 at 12:30 PM

    Hi Ces! I lost my beloved husband March 9, 2017.. It was on my birthday! I don’t know how to go on with my life. We have 3 kids together. There’s not a single day that I don’t cry..

  • Trish

    October 12th, 2015 at 6:28 PM

    I lost my husband on August 3 2015.. Totally unexpected. We had just came back from our first family cruise 3 days before and all had vertigo and sea legs from being on the ship. We all went back to work ( boys home from school of course for summer holidays). I never worked 1-9 on a Wednesday. I was scheduled, 1-9, it is his hickey night. He as so athletic. He suffered a massive heart attack at the arena. He went without oxygen too long I guess because after stints were put in for blocked arteries they coôled him and put him in a medical induced coma for 72 hours. He ended up never really coming back to us. He tried to fight as hard as he could but died 12 days later. He was my hero. I miss Mike so much. My soul mate, marathon partner and live of my life. The best father you could ever imagine to our 2 boys (17&12). We miss him and I cry myself to sleep ever night. I suffer panic and anxiety attacks and even have resorted to taking antidepressants. If it was not for my 2 boys and our dog, I would still be in bed everyday. I gave not gone back to work yet and I am off in medical leave due to the state of my grieving. He was only 47. We were married 18 years and dated for 12 years before we even did get married. I don’t know how I am going through the motions of everyday life but I am and I have a memorial run that I am doing to raise money for Heart & Stroke in his memory. That keeps me busy . Thank grid for friends and family because I really don’t think I could hAve done this without him. I still ask myself why no one called 911 and why no one administered basic for and first aid before trying to unsuccessfully untangle the AED machine. He went with out oxygen because people were blind to what was happening. A police officer knocking at your door at night can never be a good sign. I miss him and really want to be with him but have 2 children who need me too! Will this ever get any easier. Thanksgiving and what do I give thanks for today. Family and friends, but not for him being gone from our lives. I keep telling people we truly live in hell why wouldn’t God take a killer of murderer why would he take such a great man from us so early. To save 3 others because he was an organ donor? I don’t get it and no one can give me answers. He fought for us and tried to stay and now I will continue to fight for him. Missing him seems to get worse nit any better! It’s awful. I really lost my soulmate and part of me died with him too! I know it did.

  • Donna

    October 30th, 2015 at 6:17 PM

    We seem to all have lost , my husband diet 18 days ago, the pain is so great I don’t want to go own without him, I can’t do that or I will ot go to heaven what I want to know is hen you get up what do I do with myself hour by hour , he was my best friend we were retired together every minute.
    I have no friends, I am 66.
    What did all of you do detailed days
    House as clean why fix yourself up he’s not. Here to see
    I can’t sleep
    Tell me what has helped all of you
    I am praying

  • Elizabeth Bartz

    October 15th, 2015 at 3:42 AM

    I lost my husband in December of 2012, and sometimes I think I have not made any progress at all in dealing with it.
    I try and keep busy, but that helps only as long as I am busy with something.

    Why have I not made any progress towards dealing with this ? It has will soon be 3 years since he died.
    All I do is pray that there is truly a heaven where we can be together again. But his death has even shaken my faith
    in that, too.

    Please, will someone tell me how they got through this hell-on-earth. I should be doing at last SOME better than I am doing doing now.

    Please answer me.
    Elizabeth

  • Kathy

    October 21st, 2015 at 1:17 PM

    I wish I could talk to you. My husband died December 2012 also. If you want me to call give me your number. I’m having a hard time too but I’m keeping very busy. That is my saving Grace.

  • Roberta

    November 4th, 2015 at 3:25 PM

    Elizabeth B , I lost my husband in December 2012 also. Possibly we could be of help to,each other?

  • Elizabeth

    October 15th, 2015 at 4:02 AM

    Please notify me when there are new comments.

    Thank you.

    Elizabeth

  • Rhonda

    October 18th, 2015 at 3:18 PM

    I lost my husband unexpectedly 11 days ago on October 7th. He went to work as usual, but was having chest pains. I took him to the doctor after work and was told he had an enlarged heart we needed to go to the er. We both wanted to freshen up first so we went home to shower. When I came out of the bathroom I found him collapsed on the floor. Rescue took him to the hospital where he was pronounced. When I arrived at the hospital I was taken to a small room when I heard someone outside of the door saying she doesn’t know yet. This is when my life was turned upside down. I feel so lost. I’m only 40, , and he was 43. We met when I was 14, and he was 17. My husband had been an alcoholic for the past 22 years, and even though I haven’t received his death certificate yet I pretty sure it was related to his addiction. Even though I tried so many times to get him to stop drinking he just could not. His answer was I’m only drinking beer. I still ask myself could I have done more. All of my kids are away in college, and this was supposed to be our time. I feel robbed, sad, frustrated, angry, depressed, and longing to be with him again. I’m having an emotional overload and have no idea how to deal. I’m scared of living life without him. I just don’t know what to do.

  • Mary

    October 20th, 2015 at 8:48 PM

    Oh I am so sorry.i lost my husband of 31 yrs sept.19 of this year.he too suffered from alcoholism .it is just so sad.he died suddenly also.my heart is broken.he was supposed to be getting help for his addiction and he just couldn’t fight those demons.it is awful.the loneliness. I miss him terribly.coffee in the morning,watching tv,just talking.i thought we had a lifetime ahead of us. It has been 1month.i went back to work 1week after.way too soon.some what I thought were close friends are not very supportive.ya know just move on he is in a better place now.i know all this but I just simply miss him.life is forever changed.i lost my mom in dec. of last year.ugh.it will be really hard to find a new normal.God will see us through this.peace to you.

  • natalie

    November 4th, 2015 at 3:39 PM

    Hi I lost my husband on 7 oct 2015. J went to bed for a nap and asked me to wake him at 5pm I went to wake him he was purple n not breathing I called 999 I did compressions till ambulance came they tried for 20mins but couldnt bring j back. We both r 41 been together 23 years and we were ttrying for family. He is my world my soulmate my evething I am so lost wi out him

  • natalie

    November 28th, 2015 at 2:05 PM

    Its so hard without j theres no point of living anymore. J is my everything I wanna die and be with him. Miss and love him so much we had such a perfect marriage and trying for children, we had been together for 23 years cant see any point being here without j x

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    November 28th, 2015 at 4:17 PM

    Thank you for your comment, Natalie. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Rossana W.

    October 18th, 2015 at 7:05 PM

    Maureen.. My husband passed away last March 21st 2015 of massive heart attack. It was him picking me up from Philadelphia Airport (me coming from ATLANTA). It was the last day of snow. I attended a Personal Assistant seminar and it was a good and productive seminar. Was happy to get bacK home. He called me (his voice was very excited!!!) as soon as I got out from the plane. I knew that he was already at the airport. I went to use the rest room and proceeded downstairs. As I didn’t have a check on baggage, I use the Terminal A East escalator. He called me again and said that he was in the other side ,Terminal A,- West— and said “Don’t move. I will just drive to where you are.I am on curb and will just turn around” . I waited and waited and found an electric outlet to re charge my cellphone. I saw the green battery power going up so I turned it on but it got drained again.. I wondered why and my husband isnt coming. So I texted him a few times (7 text messages) Asking him to just meet me on A West. So went up the escalator and went to I know where he was. passed by the Police car. My mind was focused to the oncoming cars. If I see his car, I told myself, we will just go home. It was a very cold night! He has not come. I was able to recharge my phone this time, I dialed his cellphone number only to be answered by a POLICEMAN. I was asked to walk to my right. When I reached the first door, by the curb.. I saw on the side of my left eye that there was something covered on the ground, by the curb..” and here are 3 POLICEMEN escorting me back inside the terminal. I was asked to sit down and there, they told me that my husband is gone. “Sorry for your loss” they said. I asked them, why they didn’t take him to a hospital.. No one did. I was given my husband’s wallet, car keys, cellphone what still smelled of his perfume,and his wedding ring. He was 61 yrs old and I am 53. We have been married on July 9, 2011 and it was not even 4 years and he left me. He was trying to call me so my cellphone was not charging and it was draining . He died alone somewhere in the airport. No one saw him early enough to give him first aid (AED) .We went to the GYM at least 3 times a week. We did many things together. Attended family and social events together, shop together, spent week- ends driving somewhere together. He was my best friend !!! He would give me a back massage every night! As I give him back, too. And he would have a cup of coffee every morning and take it to me in my home office while he goes to his own office. He worked at home but is on business trips at least 2-3 times a month. I missed him when he went to London.. And when he flew to other states for business.. But now, knowing he is not here anymore, I grieve for him.. I weep and always talk to him. I am strong to tell myself that one day, I shall see him again I wish he would appear in my dreams so I can be with him again. I watch the videos I made of him: Him on the elliptical, and other Fitness equipment at the gym, when he was making coffee at night, in preparation for the following morning he programmed the brewing for 6:40 am, his video when he was making a speech….I miss him always telling e “I love YOU” every time he had a chance. My wonderful sweet caring gentle husband is gone now.. How can I accept that completely..? God knows I am a strong woman.. He wont give me anything I can not handle.. Those are the words I want to remember.. I am just grieving now. Even 7 months later I am still in deep sorrow. I force myself to get a shower… clean the house, and do my work… Writing it now gives me a little consolation knowing that other widows will read it and they can relate to what I am experiencing.To grieve is normal and natural so I will express my feelings .

  • Valentina

    November 15th, 2015 at 10:07 AM

    My husband of 12 years died on October 21, 2015 from we still dont know really what Everithing happend so quikly I moved to Canada in 2004 and left all behind just for this man He was everithing for my my best friend my husband my father my baby We did everything together We worked from home and travel a lot , so I still waiting for him to came back home I fell him everywhere I see him around all the time Crying and crying and criying and asking him to come back I dont have family around I asked my son to move with me but he can only do it next year Dont know how to live without him I dont want to live with out him He was me He was everithing for me I feel as I died too It is very busy time at work but I only think of him where he is now and why he did not call ? He was only 63, strong and healthy full of energy for 10 people Just started business in Europe Was so happy We were so happy that he was telling me every day how happy he was with me and how lucky he was to have me in his live and how beautifull Im. I still in shock Afraid it will get worth with time

  • Sue

    June 8th, 2016 at 7:07 AM

    My husband pass away 190 days ago. He was my pillar of strength, my closest friend and my listener. A widow at 32. On a day when I don’t usually have to work. I was call back to office on a weekend. I hate going back to work on weekend as that’s the time we usually spend our quality time together. We are one lovely couple. Reach home about 8pm. He had our dinner ready. How sweet. We have our dinner, watch TV and off to bed. With a kiss on the forehead and good night from him…I never knew it was the last kiss from him. Life is terrible without him, my decision maker. He took away the sun with him. The sun does not shine in my life anymore. I don’t have anyone else in my life. I don’t c a point y I should live. I’ve told him previously that i hope we will both die together….as I know the one left behind if the other passed away will b in very painful situation. I know how painful it is now. I’m waiting for him to bring me along to join his journey. I miss him. How I wish all this is is just a dream.

  • Rita

    October 22nd, 2015 at 12:53 PM

    I lost my husband of 40 years on March 26,2014. He was diagnosed with MS twenty years ago and five years ago developed Leukemia. This amazing smart kind wonderful strong man did not deserve such health problems and I am so angry. Bruce was my everything and miss him every day. I see him in my dreams and I hate to wake up to the realization that he is gone. Some days I freeze in place and cannot function. It has been 1 1/2 years but feels like yesterday that this amazing man left me to go on alone. We have two adult boys who have been supportive but I know they are suffering and wish I could be stronger. I know in my heart he wasnt ready to leave with so much unfinished business.

  • Ruby

    October 27th, 2015 at 1:44 PM

    I lost my husband on 7/14/2015 to lung cancer after a 2 1/2 year struggle. He was my soul mate and my best friend. He was only 53 and I am 59. Before he got cancer, he was the picture of health and lead a very physical life both on the job and off. I am totally lost without him and feel as if my heart will never mend. I know people generally mean well but can say things that just bring it all back and make the pain as fresh as the day he died. I am tired of crying. I miss him terribly.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    October 27th, 2015 at 4:23 PM

    Dear Ruby,

    We are sorry to hear of your loss. Grieving a loved one is a difficult and painful process. If you would like to speak to a therapist or mental health professional about this, or any other concern, you may return to our homepage and search for one here:
    http://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

    You can also complete an advanced search here:
    http://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html

    Our advanced search function will allow you to search for therapists by specialty.

    Help is available, and we wish you the best in your search.

    Kind regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Together forever

    September 11th, 2016 at 6:43 AM

    I. Have been getting 2 years of therapy. 2zka

  • Dee

    October 31st, 2015 at 7:21 PM

    I lost my husband suddenly Oct. 14th. I lost my mother the day before Mother’s Day this past May. I have been mourning the loss of my mother whom I miss so very much, then my husband is gone. I think I was in some sort of shock for several days when he passed. He was 61; I am 61 also. We married in 2002 and had not even made it to ten years of marriage. I loved being married and especially to him. No one could make me laugh like he could. We loved traveling and doing just about anything together. We had fun going to the grocery store! Didn’t matter as long as we were together. When my mother passed I felt her presence so strongly. I don’t feel my husband’s that much. We loved each other so deeply and maybe my grief is getting in my own way of feeling him near. I just don’t know what to do with who I am now. I have forgotten how to be single. I was always very independent until he came into my life. I came to depend on him a lot for some things. We always talked about all the places we wanted to go and the things we wanted to share and I keep thinking how we won’t do any of the things we planned. I stay busy during the day and it keeps my mind off of being lonely but at the end of the day there is no replacement for a good bear hug from your husband. I think of something and I go to send him a text and the force of emptiness rushes up on me. I knew we would most likely not have a really long marriage like my parents had of almost 62 years. I don’t even know how to just BE.

  • Rossana

    November 2nd, 2015 at 5:02 PM

    Deem , my late husband Vince and I were only married for 3 and 1/2 years. He was also 61 when he had a heart attack last march 21st, 2015. Such a sudden and unexpected death. Just when we had adjusted on our differences. I love him so much. He taught me to love and be patient. We did every thign together. He was my gym buddy, we went to the grocery after the gym work -out, we gave each other a back rub every night when he was home and I missed him when he travelled for business,..we hugged each other all night when we slept.. I am mourning until now. On Nov 5th he would have been 62. When he drove, he would have his right hand hold my hands. When we were listening to the Sunday service/sermon, we held hands, on a long and short flights, we held hands..He told me a thousand times how much he loves me.. He was indeed the love I wanted and had and lost..I feel so alone now that I am here and its gonna be winter again.My beloved husband, who didnt have any sickness, just gone No blood, no body waste.. Just a massive heart attack that happened just once. And he was gone!!!.I never dreamt of him, until now, after 7 months since he passed. I hope he would appear in my dreams then I can see him alive again. Although I have many videos of him, I hope I dream of him . Thank you for sharing us your feelings.. You will find peace and joy having friends on this site.The good Lord will give you strength.

  • Rita Zarleng

    November 5th, 2015 at 8:40 AM

    The other day my friend asked me how i was..truly..and i responded that i am lonely for my husband and trying to maintain. She then asked me if i have considered a male companion for dinner, movies, activities, etc. just to get out and company. That statement from a friend of mine for 8 years made so angry and hurt. I promptly told her NO way because i have no interest and will have NO interest. i have been a widow for 1 1/2 years from a 40 year marriage to a wonderful man and father. 6 months after he was gone a friend of his asked me if i was dating..and recently my cousin asked me the same..i now feel that i can never say i am lonely without someone giving me poor advice. I am lonely for MY MAN..BRUCE.. not just a man. why do people make these statements? they obviously dont know me or understand.

  • Jackie

    November 9th, 2015 at 8:05 AM

    Hi Marian,
    I feel the same way you do, I understand your pain. My husband passed away on August 21/15. I am in a horrible place right now, as an only child, who did not have any children. I have distant family. I have good friends who are asking me to do things. I do them, because I feel that is what I am supposed to do, but I have anxiety most of the time and want to go home. Once in a while I have an okay moment, more often at work. I feel my life is pointless. Even when I walk outside, I can’t believe I am in a world without my Mark. We were married for 33 years. I am 54. I certainly hope it gets better at some point. I know that our husbands would not want this pain to go on forever.

  • Earlene

    November 22nd, 2015 at 2:57 AM

    Hi Marian, I lost my husband of 41 years on August 29 2015 he died while working in a well from hypoxia, no oxygen. I had to help get him pulled up out of the well, the flashbacks are there every day. Our children are grown but live fairly close and do keep in contact. Our wedding anniversary was in June we planned to renew our vows in September. We were 2 days away from moving into a home in the mountains that was to be for the rest of our lives. I am not angry at God, but do not understand why. I think about ending NY life as I don’t want to live anymore. I cry every day and night. Memories are everywhere, we did everything together. Not once in our 41 years did we have an argument. He was my everything. Memories are wonderful but heart breaking. I just wanted to tell you I understand how you feel. I am sorry for your loss. They both die so close to the same dates.

  • Jackie

    November 9th, 2015 at 10:05 AM

    Sally, I just went back and read your comments. Om my goodness, who would have thought that taking out the garbage, and feeding the cat, every day things would be missed so much. I miss all of that, so much. All of the little things. I feel so badly because I didn’t do the litter box and I would get aggravated about litter being on the floor and now I realize that I am doing it that it happens to me all the time. So many things, getting groceries, going to the pharmacy, everything seems like it has no point when you are doing it just for yourself. There is no one to talk to about the most trivial things. I know that this loss of a spouse happens to 50% of us, I just wonder how people have managed it . As an outsider before this journey, I guess I just took for granted that they did and returned to their old selves eventually . Little did I realize that this was such an impossibly sad and horrible task. Your life is literally ripped away from you and even if you start doing things on your own you are just going thru the motions. It seems just like barely surviving, not that you want to. So many things we took for granted, how wonderful it was to share our everyday life with someone we love and expected to always be there for us.

  • Fran

    November 9th, 2015 at 1:39 PM

    I feel compelled to share a poem I read this morning with each and every one of you that have lost a loved one..like all of you my heart was and is still shattered over the tragic death of my soul mate..he and I shared 30 yrs 2 mos as ONE..now I am ONE without him..after reading this poem there was a calm that came over me..it was as if he was reading the poem to me and I thought..this is exactly what he would say to me..
    “GRIEVE NOT FOR ME”..i CANNOT LET YOU GRIEVE FOR ME. fOR THOSE WHO LOVE MUST LET US GO. iN COMFORT, PLEASE BELIEVE I’M FREE FROM ALL THE PAIN LIFE CAN BESTOW. AS I BEGIN MY WORLD ANEW..CONSIDER NOT WHAT USED TO BE..I’M SENDING HAPPY SMILES TO YOU WHILE I ENJOY ETERNITY. LORD, BLESS THE HOME FROM WHICH I CAME. YET BRUSH EACH LONELY HOUR AWAY. WITH FOND REMEMBRANCE OF MY NAME, AND A SUNSHINE FOR A NEWER DAY. LOOK TO THE WIND TO FIND ME THERE. BESIDE THE HARDEST THING YOU DO..I’VE LEFT MY LOVE WITHIN THIS PRAYER..I’M ALWAYS WATCHING OVER YOU.

  • Fran

    November 9th, 2015 at 1:46 PM

    His death has been the hardest thing I have ever incurred in my life time as my magnificient husband left his earthly home on June 10, 2015 # 3:47 PM due to a work related accident. I have cried, grieved, mourned, searched for “why did this happen we were so in love and happy” prayed to my Jesus Christ read bible scriptures to try and ease the pain..I have now had to use the word “accept” and that is a very hard, almost impossible thing for me..My heart cries for each and every one of you for what we are all enduring and I have to keep reminding myself of his beautiful, loving smile when he would say “do you know how much I am IN love with you”..I hope you can find peace and joy at some point and just remember..you will see him/her again..walk hand in hand for eternity..God Bless

  • Angie

    November 10th, 2015 at 3:34 PM

    I lost my husband to Lung Cancer on Oct 12, 2015 (Canada Thanksgiving Day). He had been fighting this disease for 11 months and I felt so helpless seeing him suffered in pain. I remembered clearly the day I send him to the hospital, that was on Oct 11, he said to me that I was sending him there to die. I did not see it coming and so I left home and he was alone in the hospital. That was the last time I saw him. He died the following morning at 6.15am. I regretted so much and I wanted to kill myself for that. This Nov 12 will be our 10th year wedding anniversay. Is almost a month he was gone and every night, I cried in bed. I cried in the office when I saw my colleagues of his age moving and living. I hated myself so much because I should have done more to save him. I should be there when he needed me most. So much guilt and so much regrets. I couldn’t let him go because I wanted to tell him how sorry I was and I wanted to hear him telling me everything is okay but it didn’t happen. He was a great guy, very thoughtful and always put my daughter and me before himself. Without him, I feel so empty. It is so hard to pass each day so I just buried myself with work to forget about him. However, when I go home, I never hear his voice anymore, he is not there to talk to me or do grocery shopping with me. I am not sure if he is free of pain now? Is he happy now? Will he forget me? As for me, time will never heal my pain and my regrets. Why is it so unfair that his life was taken at age of 61. I am angry with myself for not taking good care of him when he was sick. I am angry with God for taking him away at this age. I am angry with him for leaving me. I am no more a happy go lucky person. My heart is filled with grief and I just hope that he will come to my dream and tell me he is happy and free of pain. What I have now is guilt, regrets, depress and pain.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    November 10th, 2015 at 4:51 PM

    Hi Angie,

    We at GoodTherapy.org saw your comment on the blog and wanted to encourage you to reach out. If you would like to talk to a mental health professional, you can find one through our website. Locate a therapist in your area by entering your ZIP code here:
    http://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

    You can use the advanced search to search for a therapist or counselor by specialty:
    http://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html

    Please know that help is available. We wish you the best in your search.

    Kind regards,

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Jackie

    November 11th, 2015 at 7:11 AM

    Hi Angie, I have guilt too, Mark and I were both sick with the flu/cold the week before. I asked him on Thursday night if he wanted to go to the hospital, he had a heart condition and I had a bad feeling. He said no. He passed away the next day. It has now been 10 weeks for me, and I think about that all the time. I believe now that what happened could not have been prevented, or it would have been a worse outcome, he would not have done well with horrible news, the stress alone would have killed him, perhaps slower, but that would have been so difficult for him. When we live our day to day lives we aren’t thinking ” I need to take care of him better” , I am sure you did take care of him, he loved you, he will always love you and he would not want you to suffer so much with this horrible journey we are on. I am not an overly religious person, but I do think that we can only take so much pain and the fact that you were not there when he passed away could very well have been his way of protecting you. They will never, ever forget us, but I do think they would want us to try to live at some point. Believe me I am not doing well, can’t go grocery shopping either, I am an only child without children. Things are so hard, but we have to think there will be better days at some point. I know they would want that for us. Wouldn’t you want that for him ? I know you would. He is free of pain, he is thinking about you and your daughter all of the time and wanting you both to be well. This is truly the most horrible thing I have been through and I have lost both of my parents. It is just 1,000,0000 times worse than that. They would not want that for us, I can guarantee that much .

  • Angie

    November 13th, 2015 at 2:00 PM

    Hi Jackie, I am sorry for your loss. It must be very hard for you, all alone going through this difficult time. I am trying to live but the broken heart is so painful each time I think of him. I get so angry because he was not ready to leave me. We have so many plans after retirement. And now, I was left behind. I am trying to find life and live again until I meet with him. Same goes for you too. Be strong and I wish you all the best.

  • Fiona H.

    November 15th, 2015 at 10:02 AM

    I have just become a widow for the second time within 10 years. and not coping very well at all. Both were sudden and totally unexpected. My whole body feels like it’s shutting down and I am struggling to walk the pains in my legs are so bad.

  • Rosa

    November 15th, 2015 at 5:18 PM

    My husband died on the last day of snow. He shoveled that day. But I am not sure if that was what caused his death. The policeman gave me his wallet, after he was found dead in his car . And the police didnt show me his body lying on the ground which they covered. I was in another building. I was trying to call his cellphone so I can meet him but it was the police who picked up the call. So I hurried where the police said he was. 3 Policemen greeted me and told me to sit down. they said that my husband is dead because he had a heart attack. I wonder if the covered thing outside the building is his dead body but police dont wanna show me his body.. So I was taken back home that night. the following day, I looked inside the wallet of my husband. I found a mat of pills (for virility?) I never saw that before. It must be a recent order from online. I dont know what entered his mind why did he had to buy those pills??I am 53 and he was 61. We had each other!! Now because of those damned pills, he died! Those advertisements on the TV motivated him it would be good for us.. I cry ..How can I bear not to have him aroun dnaymore? the love of my life is gone! We went to the gym at least 4 times a week. He was more of the GYM Buff than me. Whether it snow 20 inches deep if the gym is open, we would go..he would go do his work -out.. Even if there was a hurricane, if the gym is open.. he would go.. I fed him with healthy home cooked foods, made him fruit shakes and smoothies.. I am so shock why did he die. I suspect that the only thing that cause him to die are those pills. The mat was with ONE missing.. I am not sure if our primary doctor advised him to take these pills because when I asked the doctor he said , “You have o idea how many people are taking this pill”.I dont know how many young , strong, healthy men die because they take this pill.. It is not fair.. my husband died and I can not do anything. I am so broken!!!

  • Carole

    November 15th, 2015 at 8:50 PM

    Lost my husband a month ago 10/12, he was 74 I am 57. Everyone tells me ” you are still so young, you have many years ahead of you”….it does not matter ! He got aspiration pneumonia after a routine colonoscopy from vomiting. Who would ever dream a routine colonoscopy would kill him. He had colon cancer 5 years ago and had it removed, this colonoscopy showed no sign of return of the cancer and I was so relieved , but then to die 5 days later of aspiration pneumonia ! Just had his memorial on 11/13. I have been with him since I was 16. I have never been on my own, went straight from parents home to him. How do live when half of you is gone …..right now I do not care if I died tomorrow. I keep telling the Lord ” please don’t let me live too long”. Like many of you have said I just feel like I am going through the motions of life, no meaning, no joy. I feel like if I found out I have cancer tomorrow I would just let it grow and not even have treatment. I just want to b where he is. In the last 3 years I have lost my best friend who was killed in car crash, my only sister and living relative to a rare aggressive uterine cancer, and now my husband. Both my parents died in 2000. Why have I been left behind and had to watch all my loved ones die first. I have no children. I am trying to stay active, my husband’s 80 year old pal just took me out to dinner tonight, but I have to force myself to do things. Everything is just empty. I do not ever want another man, I still consider myself married to my husband. I would never take my own life because I am a Christian but I sure hate being here now. I guess this is common reading through many of the comments. I send everyone who is hurting my love..you are not alone.

  • Rita

    November 16th, 2015 at 5:48 PM

    I lost my husband, best friend, partner, lover on March 26,2014. The holidays are so difficult to get thru now that hes not here to share the moments. Friends and family just dont understand why i have no joy anymore. Sure i go thru the motions of daily living but sometimes just getting a shower and picking out clothes is such an effort. I ask myself why i bother. I wander around the grocery store missing my husband, my eating and cooking companion. I catch myself giving dirty looks to other couples my age for their opportunities that i no longer have. I dont want to wake up most days and i hide in my awful little apartment away from the world whenever possible. I wish i could say this feeling gets easier to all the other widows, but really this adjustment is so devastating.

  • Rita

    November 16th, 2015 at 7:11 PM

    There are so many more things i could say to describe my loneliness and despair. I just wish i could offer some words of wisdom to help all of us get through this empty angry confusion. Please dont quote me common platitudes and blessings from above to try to justify why my husband was taken. I have lost my faith and im sure alot of you have too for good reason. There is no good reason why my wonderful husband was chosen to leave this life where he helped people and was such a kind loving man.

  • Jackie

    November 17th, 2015 at 7:43 AM

    I was wishing it would get better. Rita, I know exactly what you are saying, it is going to be 3 months for me this coming Friday. It is just sinking in. Mark was my grocery shopping companion, my eating companion, eating out companion, movie and well everything in my life, we don’t have children. It is so, so difficult. I know they would not want us to be having such a difficult, horrible time. We would not want that for them, but I don’t know how we get past this. I am going to grief counseling and it is better for about an hr. afterwards, but then I sink again. At home I don’t know what to do with myself , I have such anxiety. On the weekend what I thought was a good friend yelled at me and told me I had to stop crying and “get it together”, that I am not the only person who has ever lost someone”. It was unbelievable actually. We are on such a difficult road. I too wish I could offer some words of healing, it is almost unbearably empty and sad. Where do we go from here to get better ?

  • Rita

    November 17th, 2015 at 12:08 PM

    Jackie, i am so sorry your friend treated you like you should be guilty for grieving the love of your life. I have been talked down to by my well-meaning so called friends and relatives who have not lost a husband or a partner. Because of that I have distanced myself from these people who cant handle death and hurt me in the process. I truly think that these people we thought of as friends will only understand what we are going through when THEY go through it, or wont if they may not have ever loved as deeply. I have tried therapy sessions both individual and group also and the same happens to me- I feel like there is a little possibility of lightheartedness, but then it all comes down on my head again…the reality sets in to the extreme aloneness and fear I experience. I am 58 and my husband was 60. I have always worked but spent all my free time sharing life with him. We did everything together too. That included the many doctors appts and hospital stays for the last 4 years due to his cancer. For 40 years we were together, raised two boys, shared happiness and pain, lost both of our parents and all grandparents. I think i took us for granted ..i regret that now. Our two boys are grown, 31 and 25. They are both very busy with work and their lives. My oldest just got married. There are no grandchildren. They loved their dad so much and handle their pain in a different way than i do. Today is our wedding anniversary and i am having a very rough day celebrating without him. thank you for listening

  • Jackie

    November 18th, 2015 at 8:10 AM

    Hi Rita,
    Thank you so much for your words of support. She is someone that just tolerates her husband he is actually quite a jerk and she hasn’t had that great love that we have experienced. I work as well and while I am at work I get minutes of normalness because I work in the charitable sector and see people often. Mark and I did everything together too, Even little things like going to the drugstore. I took so much for granted I think now, things like that were just everyday routines, now I so miss having him sitting beside me in the car, being the passenger next to my husband, rather than driving alone, or being the lone passenger in the backseat of someone else’s car- have you felt like that ? Mark was 56, I have regrets too. It is very sad for your sons as well. It was still your wedding anniversary, I don’t believe your husband has left you spiritually. I am not a religious person but I truly believe that. We have spent so much of our lives with the one we love the bond is still there. All I can think about is what if it was me that had gone ? I know that somehow I would have wanted him to get my messages of love and support. It is so crappy however, even when you thought about what it would be like to be alone it is so much worse than imagined. I will always listen ! I am so happy ( well not actually happy, that doesn’t seem to exist now) but unless you have been on this journey you wouldn’t know what it was possibly like. Each day is such a challenge. I understand about the regrets, I have guilt as well. I am thinking the more you loved someone, the deeper the pain is the loss. Lets just get thru one more day !!

  • Rita

    November 18th, 2015 at 11:11 AM

    Jackie, yes i feel that awful aloneness in the backseat and front seat too.. The first time i noticed that empty seat was the day my husband died at the hospital and i had to leave him after 16 days in the ICU. My son and daughterinlaw were driving me home and for the first time i felt such a dark empty void and an incredible fear of being a passenger in this world without my partner. My husband worried about me driving in bad winter weather conditions so he would offer to take me to work…a 30 minute drive in good weather. There i would be with my cup of coffee (that he would have brewed for me) sitting beside the best most fearless driver in the world. Our Subaru was white so i felt he was my white knight protecting me from harm. Then he would pick me up after my shift at the hospital and spoil me to a homecooked meal he prepared… I miss sharing a cup of tea with him and his homemade oatmeal cookies while we played gin rummy and scrabble. I miss doing our laundry together…we even had fun folding sheets and towels as a team…I too have wondered where he would be if I had been the one with cancer. I know he was a very strong independent sensitive man so i cant help but think this would have somewhat defeated him too. Hopefully this pain will lessen, but i know i will never be the same…im looking for a balance. I want to enjoy all the memories but not hurt all the time.

  • indirabijlall

    November 28th, 2015 at 6:37 PM

    I can relate to u dear. My soulmate..my husband of 35 yrs.passd on the 13/05/2015.my heart shattetered in a billion pieces..i love my husband so much.we wete childhood sweetheats…joined at the hips.wud collect me from work too and cook do i can hve hot food wrn i came home.he was my plumber ..my electrician…my chaffeur…my massuer…my joy wen i am stressed.the best morning person ever…and i am not wud come and hug me wen i am cooking in thehe morning and he thanked god for me and his four gorgeous daughtets and one grandson.i miss him somuch its like i am going insane.he cleans for me at christmas.and does all my shopping…do not know how i will go on.
    LIFE IS NOT FAIR…AT ALL.

  • Carole

    November 18th, 2015 at 3:33 PM

    I don’t know whats wrong with people…I went with my friend to an overnight trip to the casino last night as she had a free room. I did not gamble as I’m not really into it but had a nice meal and stayed in the room and watched movies. She lost her husband last year but he was 83 (she is a spry 79)…I mentioned to her at breakfast this morning that I was kind of cranky because I am depressed and when I’m depressed I get irritable..she said ” you just need to get out of that depression”… really ? Its only been a month since my husband of 42 years died I think I have a right to be depressed ! When her husband she acted like nothing happened ! Just life as normal, I know everyone grieves differently but seriously. I was warned in GriefShare that people will say dumb things…they were right.

  • Jackie

    November 19th, 2015 at 6:32 AM

    Hi Carole & Rita,
    Rita, your words about your husband driving you/picking you up for work just hit home with me completely. I am about 15 minutes from work and if I had driven Mark would call to find out if I was okay. A message would be waiting for me when I got here. Now I look at my voice mail at work and there are no calls from him. You are so right about laundry, we enjoyed folding towels and sheets too, now there is no joy in anything for me at the moment. I truly believe they would want us to have joy and happiness as we would for them, we just have to find it somehow. Carole – my friend I think would be similar in her grieving style to your friend if her husband had passed away. Everyone does grief differently, but we certainly don’t expect this type of reaction from people that we thought were good friends. It will make me so careful in the future to be kind, although I think we are because it shows in how much our hearts are breaking now. One month is so soon, it is going to be 3 months for me on Saturday. It is the most painful experiences I have ever had. I was young when my mother passed away and I thought there could be nothing worse , but this surpasses that by so much. When our “person” dies, a good part of our life also goes with them. I think that is the part that other people who haven’t experienced this don’t realize. The person we would go to in a tragedy is gone, making everything so much more difficult and sad. Maybe at some point happiness and true contentment with life will find us, we all deserve that. Our husbands would want that for us.

  • Carole

    November 19th, 2015 at 3:56 PM

    Thanks Jackie….and yes our husbands would want us to be happy and carry on, and to honor them we should. But right now it seems impossible……time will make it more bearable I suppose, but there is always going to be that big empty space in our hearts. I want no other man, ever/ None else could understand me like he did, I trusted him with my life. I am too suspicious of others to ever trust anyone else. XO

  • Hannah

    November 19th, 2015 at 4:36 PM

    Elizabeth Hartz, your comments touched me so much. I too lost my husband. Three years and 5 months ago. I can’t seem to live anymore. Nothing is the same. Life is flat. We never had children, just our cats who we also called our kids. I don’t feel I will ever be the same. I think this loss and suffering will be forever with me. I think it insulting for people to comment “just get over it” or “you need to move on with your life” or to actually suggest I find a companion! This just tells me they aren’t my friend, don’t understand and truly never will until they lose their husband/wife. I don’t know that I will ever be the same. I truly feel in my heart that I will forever be grieving and suffering for my husband. We were perfectly matched. I know people may find this hard to believe but we were. We were together 21 years and already planning our 25th wedding anniversary! We were so excited. I miss him deeply. I’m more emotional than I’ve ever been. And yes I’ve been to grief group, psychologists and individual counseling. Nothing has changed the grief I feel. Most days I just curl up on the couch and cry. I’m totally lost. I’m insulted that there are people who think there is a time limit on grief. Go through it and then tell me how you feel.

  • Mai

    November 20th, 2015 at 9:56 AM

    thank you all for sharing your difficult experiences. I lost my husband on the 13th of 11/2015. The difficult part is, we were separated because he had mental health and was threatening to kill me. I however never stopped loving him. I have always been there for him when I can and he was always with us when he had the strength to do so. He wasn’t good with money and the week of his death he called me for money for his hospital’s appointment.I didn’t want to encourage him by giving again as I have been doing the past 10 years I lived with him. so I told him to look after his money because I needed to pay my bills. His doctor tried to convince him to get the ambulance, but he refused because he didn’t like the idea of been in it. She called me on Thursday and explained the situation. On Friday when I went to his apartment to give him some money I found him dead on the floor. I was with our three children and it was our second daughter’s birthday and his youngest first costume day. They were all excited to see him, unfortunately, were all crying instead of been happy. I can’t forgive myself for not been there for him when he needed me and hate my faith because it failed me when I needed it the most.I have no reason to live, he was everything for me. I want to be here for my children, but I don’t have enough strength to continue.Besides this, his family is accusing me of killing him because they think I mistreated him and are waiting for me back home to take his revenge.This is only because he was mentally unwell and told them nasty things about me which they believe.I hate life, I hate my Christian’s faith and I hate myself.I still love him and still believe he will wake up and come and knock at my door to allow me to do things differently.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    November 20th, 2015 at 12:21 PM

    Dear Mai,

    Thank you for sharing. We are very sorry to hear about your recent experience. We at GoodTherapy.org are not qualified to offer professional advice, but we wanted to encourage you to reach out and talk to someone. You can locate a therapist or mental health professional in your area by using our website:

    http://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

    If you are in crisis, some of the links on this page may also be helpful:

    http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Please know you are not alone. Help is available, and we wish you the best of luck.

    Kind regards,

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Carole

    November 22nd, 2015 at 7:48 PM

    Earlene….I am so sorry….was with mine for 42 years. He died ( 11/12/15) of aspiration pneumonia after a routine colonoscopy so he too could not breath when he died. I just want to be with him as well…its hard to fathom how to carry on when half of you is gone. XO

  • Monique E

    November 23rd, 2015 at 1:35 PM

    I lost my husband 3 months and 1 day ago. I miss him more and more each day. We were together for 7 years and have two kids, now when our life was just beginning to fall into place, he is now gone. I hate life and living. I just want to die everyday. I cry everyday for him. I am trying to stay strong for my children. We were only 34 when he died. We had our whole life together and were supposed to grow old together. Those that have spent 20, 30, 40 years with your husband are so blessed. Our union had only begun and now it is over, in the blink of an eye, my whole world came crashing down. I love him so much and don’t see how I am going to be able to get on with out him in my life. I want to be there for my kids but I can’t imagine living another 15 years with out him. I would rather die than to feel this pain any longer. I wish he would just come back to me. I love you Seneca baby forever. Its just hard to understand why God took him away from me. I love him so much. I understand but then again I don’t. I just love him too much to imagine life with out him. I used to be happy and love life when he was here now waking up everyday is a struggle. I don’t know how I will ever get through this.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    November 23rd, 2015 at 5:58 PM

    Dear Monique,

    We saw your comment and would like to thank you for sharing. We are very sorry to hear of your loss. The GoodTherapy.org Team is not qualified to offer professional advice, but we would like to encourage you to talk to someone. It can be difficult to face things alone, and a qualified therapist or counselor may be able to offer support.

    To locate one in your area, you can enter your ZIP code here:

    http://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

    If you would like to find a mental health professional who specializes in grief counseling, you can enter your ZIP code here to complete an advanced search:

    http://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html

    Please know you are not alone. Help is available, and we wish you the best of luck in your search.

    Kind regards,

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Rose

    November 27th, 2015 at 8:06 AM

    I lost my husband after 14 years of marriage and we were together for 24 years since high school. I feel your pain. I have 4 kids all under 14. Some days I just don’t want to do anything. The pain seems to be getting worse not better. I can’t believe he’s gone after a very short battle with cancer. I feel lost and have panic attacks. He was only 40 and finally he was able to give us his time after working so hard to become service manager. The hardest part was that he knew he was leaving us in the end and he would cry. I can’t shake those images out. I feel like I have PTSD. Please know you’re not alone.

  • BE

    November 24th, 2015 at 8:11 AM

    My husband passed away 5 weeks ago. We were married 56yrs. It was almost a lifetime. I can certainly relate to everyone that has written on these posts. Most days are so lonely and sad that you feel like you can’t go on. Then I think about what my husband would want for me. He would want me to be happy, and to take care of myself like I took care of him. I have a dog and a cat that I have to attend to every day. I really would rather not but guess what? I have to! My husband died of stage 4 doedenal cancer and he always had a positive attitude, so I know that I have to keep going on even though there are days that I don’t want to fight the fight!
    Today is a good day! Yesterday was a day that I couldn’t stop crying, but I promised my husband I would be OK.

  • Jackie

    November 24th, 2015 at 12:33 PM

    Hi Monique,
    We almost share the same anniversary date, it was 3 months that my husband Mark passed away on November 21st. I know the pain you are in. We had been married for 33 years, no children we have had pets. It is the saddest thing that I have been thru and I have lost both parents. I do know that they would not want this for us. As horrible as it is today I have hope that eventually it will get better. I walk in to my house and it is empty, my heart aches and my friends think I should be better by now. They do not know the agony we face. Sometimes I have moments when I am okay and then I sink. Your children need you and he would want you to take care of yourself and them. As hard as it is, having them is such a blessing. This sounds so crazy but I realize that 1/2 of us will go thru this in a lifetime. Either we will go first, and believe me most days I wish I had gone first, although I think Mark would have had a terrible time alone, I think of that all day. Somehow people have managed to heal at some point, to go on and have a life, that we may have to create for ourselves. Right now I am crying as I write this. I want you to be better, I am wishing and hoping for you to be a little better. Suffering like this forever is unthinkable. Lets try to think of one positive thing that has happened in the past day, in the past hour. I think there will be a time when some light will shine on us.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    November 24th, 2015 at 4:19 PM

    Dear Jackie,

    Thank you for sharing. It sounds as if this is a difficult time for you, but you are not alone. Though the GoodTherapy.org Team is not qualified to offer professional advice, you can use our site to search for a therapist or counselor in your area by entering your ZIP code here:

    http://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

    We wish you the best,

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Trish

    November 24th, 2015 at 4:41 PM

    Thank you all for sharing…

  • Rita

    November 25th, 2015 at 8:08 AM

    This will be the second Thanksgiving and Xmas spent without my Bruce. We had such joy at this time of year and as always enjoyed doing things together. I send out my thoughts to all of the widows/widowers on this blog fully understanding their sadness and hoping we can all find some comfort in sharing our stories with each other.

  • Jackie

    November 30th, 2015 at 7:15 AM

    Hi Indirabijlall,
    I understand exactly what you are saying, my Mark was wonderful too and even when people have made donations and they say ” In Memory” , I can’t believe that – he is still with me , in memory sounds horrible. I walk outside and think, he is not in the present world with me. That is so, so difficult. It has been 3 months. This is one dark secret that no one shares – what it is like to lose a spouse that you loved so much. I do truly believe that they would not want us to feel so overwhelmingly sad, what would we have wanted for them, if we were the one’s to go first ? That sort of gets me through the days. We need to honour their memory by living the best that we can, it is so , so difficult but we have no choice.

  • Linda

    November 30th, 2015 at 6:36 PM

    i really feel your pain

  • natalie

    December 4th, 2015 at 2:29 PM

    I cant get over my husbands sudden death j went to sleep went to wake him n I couldnt I had to do compressions till ambulance crew came and they couldnt save j we were trying for children. I wanna join him because I know ee would be once more togethet lov u j xxxxxxxxx

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    December 4th, 2015 at 4:16 PM

    Dear Natalie,

    Thank you for your comment. We are very sorry to hear of your loss. Our blog is not a substitute for professional help, but the support of a therapist or counselor can often be helpful during the grieving process. You can find a list of mental health practitioners in your area by entering your ZIP code here:

    http://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

    Please know that help is available, and we wish you the best of luck in your search.

    Kind regards,

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Jane

    December 7th, 2015 at 5:53 AM

    I lost my husband nearly 6 weeks ago, and all I wish for is to be reunited with him. We loved each other and had a beautiful marriage, then suddenly and unexpectedly, he was gone. Every day, the emptiness grows and I ache for him. I don’t know how to go on….

  • Val

    December 7th, 2015 at 12:17 PM

    Hi Jane, It has been five months for me. The first two months were excruciating. You go through an oxytocin, bonding hormone, withdrawal that is as bad as any drug withdrawal, coupled with the obvious emotional sense of hopelessness, and you do this without the person who has helped you through your worst times. This will be my first holiday season without my love, in 25 years. Maybe that is why now I am having a huge emotional setback, when I thought I was getting better the past 3 months.

    But I do believe it will get better for you. I went and got a very good male therapist, which is my lifeline. My friends just could not be there enough for me, so I am paying someone to help me through it. He is a CBT therapist, so we never talk about the past, not more than maybe a year ago.

    Also, I bought used from Amazon a small library of books on grief and widowhood. Anything that sounded helpful, I had shipped to me for around $4-$10. They were all used books, some just cost a penny, and then 3.99 shipping. These were very very helpful to me.

    I have two dogs, one of which my husband got for me a month before he died. I was thinking “oh please, not another complication of my life right now” (because he was in the last stages of cancer, etc) but then I gave in, and this little sweetie who is sleeping almost on top of me right now has saved my life. She gets me out of bed every morning, makes me laugh all day, and pushes me to get off the couch and into bed at night. She’s a little dog, and sleeps with me too. Both my dogs pester me to take them walking everyday, and that has helped me.

    Make no mistake, the color has gone from my life. I miss him every moment. I did not know that a person could feel this much pain and still be alive. I feel terrible because I still have a very strong sex drive, but I don’t want to ever be in love again. I feel like I look for him everywhere, that I still expect him to return, that I can’t wait to die so I can see him again. Quite a little hell on earth this is. And then, you think “Well, what are my options?” Try to make the best of the present, which you also feel as a betrayal of your love, your everything. So there is only one option, to make the best of your present life, always holding in your heart the love that you had.

  • Jane

    December 8th, 2015 at 8:16 AM

    Thank you Val for sharing with me. I can relate to everything you have written. I just do not know how I can go on without him. We were together for 14 years and he was my soulmate. He was my go to person for everything, and now when I am at the lowest point in my life, he is not here. We had no children and no pets, everyone else has a life to return to, but I have nothing, just emptiness, sadness and missing my husband so much. People have been very supportive and caring, but nearly 6 weeks on, I am starting to realise how lonely and empty my life is without him. I do not expect others to stop their lives for me but it only brings home how much I cannot go on without him. I think of him every minute and cry when alone a lot. I just cannot see how I can overcome my loss and try to do anything ever again. I constantly feel guilty eating anything he loved, cannot go to places he loved or we went together. I feel guilty I am here and he isn’t, he had so much to live for. Losing him has taken everything out of my life and I have no desire for anything, no motivation just constant sadness and despair.

    Thank you for being here xx

  • Val

    December 8th, 2015 at 11:12 AM

    Hi Jane, Six weeks is not a long time at all. I think I was just coming out of the shock phase and the brain fog at that time, which actually felt better than when I came out of it. I am so so sorry.

    This is probably going to sound like heresy, but you know, I think the old rules about waiting a year or so before you date, or six months or whatever, was back when women had a much stronger support network. And though I would have judged men who got engaged again quickly after their wife died, I am re-thinking it. Not that I have anybody in mind, and I don’t want to fall in love again, but missing your partner feels quite honestly, worse than death.

    Now I was on forums like this before Joe died and right after, and from the books I read, almost all the women feel just like we do now, but then after a year or two or more, get married again, and are really happy again. I never had kids either. We were trying when he got prostate cancer. The drugs for it make it so he can’t procreate. I agree that because we didn’t have kids, we really put all our emotional eggs in a basket with our husband. I have to say that around the time he died I read a LOT of books and forums and very few women were consoled, long term, by their children, even if they had several daughters. It is just a fact of the american society we have.

    When my mom died I was an adult and my boyfriend at the time, (not my husband) tried to make me feel bad about “living in your mom’s basement”. And he succeeded, I did feel bad about that, but at the same time, I felt really proud that I could be there for her for the first year after he died. I feel like I got to know her in a way that I never had (for good and for bad) :0

    Anyway, if it is at ALL possible for you to go to a pet adption place, I can’t reccommend it highly enough! Like I say, my husband kept pushing and pushing and pushing me to adopt a dog a month before he died. I went into my control freak mode and said no no no. Then I finally relented and my little doggie has totally saved me!

    One last thing. I had a big long dream about my husband this morning. In it he was as cute as always, and it was like he had resurrected, because I remember hugging him as if I knew he had died, but had come back. But also in the dream was him doing alll the things that drove me crazy and made our relationship difficult. Almost as if he was trying to tell me “hey, I WASN’T a saint!”

    Maybe your husband was a saint, mine was not! At alll! But I focused on the bad parts too much, rather than the good parts. That is what I wish I could go back and change.

    Jane, hang in there. It really does get better. The first two months were so bad for me I think I have blocked them out.

  • natalie

    December 7th, 2015 at 12:33 PM

    Me too jane j went for sleep n never woke up we are both 41 and we were trying for family. If you need to talk am here x

  • Jane

    December 8th, 2015 at 8:24 AM

    So sad…..and the suddenness of it all just like my husband so unexpected, makes it so hard. I struggle to accept it and sometimes feel like he will come back home. I am 42 and cannot see a long life ahead without him. I try but some times it just overwhelms me.
    He passed on 25 Oct and Christmas Day will be 2 months since. I just want to stay in bed and not do anything on the day. I feel so tears and sad today. Thank you for being here xx

  • Val

    December 6th, 2015 at 7:58 PM

    I was afraid that if I was at my husband’s side when he died, that my heart would break and that I would die right there with him. Now I wish that had happened. His friends and family give me grief about not being there with him, though they were of very little help when I took care of him almost exclusively for 3+years. It is hard to believe how selfish people can be. They criticized and offered little. Then starting the day after he died, his married and single male friends started visiting me daily, staying for an hour or more until I couldn’t take it, and had tell them no more visitors. What has gotten into people?

    I wasn’t the best caretaker in the history of the world. I want his forgiveness for that. He was so positive and helpful and cheerful all the time: to all the doctors and nurses and staff, for 3 years. And sometimes they were not nice, and he ignored it and saw the best in them. It humbled me to be with this man and watch him go through this terrible illness with class and forebearance, forgiving his friends and families… what I can only call sins, in some cases, against him. He was always thinking of others.

    It has been 5 months and I was doing so well. I think I have run out of house projects to do, and have allowed my thoughts to go deep. I get so tired of friend’s voices on the phone sounding pitiful. Almost pretending that they care, but don’t want to get too involved. I do understand why men get another mate so quickly. I don’t think they have recovered at all, or “moved on” or “gotten over it”. I think men get a new mate quickly because they fear for their life if they don’t. I think women are able to share our deepest feelings with each other , as on this forum, and can at least get some healing that way. Most men don’t have that outlet. I have great compassion for the men who start dating a month after their wife dies. Usually it is a statement of how deeply they did love her.

  • Rita

    December 7th, 2015 at 7:32 AM

    Hello Val
    I can relate to you in so many ways. I was with my husband when he died and i still have severe guilt that maybe i didnt say or do everything he needed to help him or let him know how much i loved him. i dont think i could process the fact that he wasnt getting better and coming home this time. doctors and nurses used to call him stoick.. he never complained and would smile through his pain to make others feel better. my husband was also forgiving, patient and kind even on his worst days.
    i too experienced our male friends circling me like sharks which made me feel so uncomfortable and angry. how could people be so insensitive and disrespectful? i have had to distance myself from them and my friends and family that dont know how to talk to me anymore. we only make each other feel bad. i never thought about living this life being a widow or how i would continue,…i didnt think about pain and loneliness…i didnt think at all. i imagine this loneliness is why some people choose to move on to recreate another life so quickly while they are numb and missing their other half.
    I cry often and without warning.. being honest and sharing our stories has given me some daily comfort.

  • Val

    December 7th, 2015 at 11:27 AM

    Thanks so much for responding Rita! Well I guess that is why they call it widow-hood, because it is definitely a condition or state that we widows are in, that nobody else can relate to. Also I think marriages vary greatly in their closeness and intensity. When my Dad died, my Mom didn’t take it as badly as I am, I think. Also people born in the 1920’s had a different life. Everyone belonged to a church (speaking in general), and belonged to more organizations. They also took the pain of life more “bravely”, can I say? I don’t feel very brave, that’s for sure. Also I don’t know how to spell stoic-ly. I moved in with my mom when my dad died because I was still single. I wish I had a daughter to move in with me. I cooked my mom breakfast every morning for a year and she cooked dinner.

    It used to be that the man was more the provider figure. Sometimes he was much much more than that, a true soul mate, but sometimes he was mainly a provider and a father figure, a disciplinarian. You know what I mean. My husband and I worked together, played music together, made art together. We were definitely one of those couples that, if he was just going to the corner grocery for a gallon of milk, would ALWAYS ask me to come along. :) So definitely the first month of Oxytocin withdrawal is excruciating.

    I am so sorry that his friends were not respectful to you. Did it catch you by surprise like it did me? My husband even warned me that they would come after me but I thought he was trying to make me feel better about looking terrible from being sleep deprived, gaining 30# since he got sick, and going through menopause. So I could not believe they would make advances toward me in my extremely vulnerable state. Well you live and learn. Strange thing is they don’t really “like” me, in that there has never been a spark with any of them, and I’ve known them for 25 years. My husband was the leader of a very large group of people. Much loved, much admired, revered even by a very large circle of people. I now think these guys want to just brag that have spent time with “Joe’s wife”, and then let the other men draw some kind of picture from it, and it has nothing to do with me. Gosh, so flattered. Not. almost making myself nauseous here, better stop.

    But thanks so much Rita. I have not joined a local support group. Remember Grouch Marx’s saying “I would never want to join a club that would have me as a member” ? Well that is how I feel about joining a widow group. Just kidding, sort of. It has to be the worst group anyone could ever become a member of.

  • Val

    December 7th, 2015 at 11:34 AM

    Also Rita, I am SURE that you did everything you could to make your husband feel loved when he was dying. It is so difficult because in a way you feel like he is abandoning you, though logically you know that he does not want to die and does not want to abandon yoy. I feel like even though I told my husband many many times before he died how deeply and dearly I loved him, and I asked for forgiveness for everything I had ever done that had hurt him, also sometimes I found myself distancing myself from him, I guess because I felt maybe I would not hurt so much when he died? I don’t know. But Rita I am sure he knew how much you loved him and did everything to make him comfortable that you could.

    I asked my husband many times if he would speak to me from “the other side” and he does, all the time.

  • Val

    December 7th, 2015 at 1:46 PM

    I think the thing I miss most about my husband is this: though he would allow me to wallow in self-pity for a while, at some point, there would just be too much “to do” to think about it any more. Or he would say “OK, stop thinking about it for a while, let’s go… do something!” And then we would. If I had a set back or I drank too much one night, no big deal. He’d just take me out to a big Chinese dinner the next night. It was so helpful to have that male presence, that male force around (no matter how difficult it was to handle sometimes). It was action oriented. It was “Let’s solve this!”. And it didn’t matter sometimes that it was the totally wrong action to take. Just knowing that your knight was there, ready to take action, ready to call your mom for you, to take your side in your argument with your sister, to fix your car- just knowing that there was a strong, action oriented best friend in your corner, ready to take on the world for you -or just find your wallet for you when you were running late for work, it meant everything.

  • Jackie

    December 7th, 2015 at 1:47 PM

    I am wondering if anyone else has had this experience, it is now 3.5 months since my husband Mark passed away. It seems so unreal, it was sudden. When I am at work I have a minute or two when I forget that he is gone. I want to tell him something that had happened at work, or a problem and then I realize I can’t. It is the absolute worst feeling. I remember when my mother passed away, I sometimes “forgot” for a few minutes and felt guilty about it. It did get me to a point of healing , because the longer you “forgot” the pain was lessened a bit. In this case, the “forgetting”, doesn’t seem like it will allow you to heal because the loss is so great and your life is affected in every possible way. I am not sure if this is making any sense.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    December 7th, 2015 at 4:23 PM

    Dear Jackie,

    Thank you for your comment. It can indeed be difficult to deal with loss, especially when your life is so greatly affected. Please know that if you would like to speak to a therapist or counselor, you can search for one using our site by entering your ZIP code here:

    http://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

    If you would like to speak to a grief counselor in particular, you can search for a therapist by specialty here:

    http://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html

    Help is available, and we wish you the best of luck in your search.

    Kind regards,

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Val

    December 7th, 2015 at 10:29 PM

    Hi Jackie, yes it does make sense. I got the news weeks apart that both my mom and my husband had terminal cancer. When you have that long history with someone, it is like you develop your own language isn’t it? And when you want to tell them about something in your life, and then you remember “Oh, no, they are gone, can’t tell them”, in the next instant it is almost like your brain thinks ” Gosh I will have to learn a new language before this will mean anything to anyone”. There are so many things that I used to talk to my mom or my husband about, and I try telling a friend or even a brother or sister and…. it just, of course, isn’t the same.

  • Rita

    December 7th, 2015 at 1:49 PM

    Val. thank you.. i think Bruce appreciated me being his caregiver.. and im sure your husband knows how much you loved him too while caring for him for those 3+ years. that is not easy i know…there was alot going on for you with menopause etc.. ive been that route as well… Bruce warned me that men were making themselves available or showing interest..but i blew it off. i was indeed surprised and hurt when i had surprise visits and attention i never asked for… it has gotten better though – i think my message is getting through.
    When my dad died Bruce and i were married and expecting our first child….dad died suddenly and i know my moms world was shaken, confused, and saddened, but i dont think it was to the extent that i have felt either and i do think it was due to that generation also. my mom wasnt completely alone, having us both, her mom and many sisters for extra support. unfortunately i am alone except for our two adult sons… one is recently married and both work extreme hours. no grandchildren yet..
    Bruce and i were best friends. i was 18 and he was 20 when we met. i was very lucky to have known and loved such a wonderful man for 40 years. i know there will never be another man in my life…except for my sons and possible grandsons… no one could ever be such a dedicated honest interesting fun companion that i could always count on. Like you we went everywhere together…sometimes stopping for ice cream or coffee and dessert….i miss those moments…It certainly sounds as though you and your husband had the same special relationship we shared…no one can take those from us.

  • Val

    December 7th, 2015 at 10:20 PM

    Someone here wrote a lovely analogy of two tree’s roots growing together. That is what makes it so difficult. It isn’t one person you are losing, it becomes a system of roots, your shared love becomes an entity itself. So when that person goes, the whole system crashes with it. Well not the entire system, but the entire system is affected. I don’t know much about computers but it seems like it isn’t just like losing a bunch of files, though that can be very maddening, but instead that the entire operating system is malfunctioning. Parts are missing everywhere, viruses are introduced and programs aren’t running right. Except the operating system is your heart, and your brain. I thought I had accepted what has happened. And suddenly, it is like I am only now, five months after Joe died, suddenly realizing he isn’t coming back.

    I put an old photo slideshow on my screensaver, a whole bunch of photos from before he got sick. It was wonderful but I don’t know, perhaps it is better to stay in the present. I am getting too nostalgic. It is too hard to remember how happy we were, and contrast that with now. Maybe it would be better if I didn’t remind myself of the contrast. Thanks everyone for the kind words and all of your open hearted outpourings. :)

  • Doren

    December 7th, 2015 at 4:30 PM

    Thank you for sharing all your experiences. My husband passed away 2 months ago and we just got married December of 2013. We were in a long distance relationship since 2006 and waited to be finally married after 7-8 years. And then this happened. It feels like I might as well be dead, everything is so heavy and difficult. I’m just keeping my faith in God, always praying for strength and sanity. I just go through the day because I need to. I miss my husband so much.

  • Val

    December 8th, 2015 at 11:25 AM

    Hi Doren,

    I am so sorry. I feel just as you do. I waited a long time to marry my husband. I do wish that I had married him within the first 2-3 years. I don’t know if you regret waiting, but there is so much about our relationship that I, at least, would have changed. Of course, the things that I did. I’m torn between poring over all of it and trying to learn lessons from it, and just “moving on” and doing the best I can next time.

  • Doren

    December 8th, 2015 at 1:51 PM

    Thanks Val. I don’t feel any regret about the time we waited before getting married, it’s needed under the circumstance, I perfectly understand that. What I’m having a hard time right now is I can’t understand why he left so early in our marriage. We barely started. I guess, I’m still in this stage of disbelief and unacceptance. Everything is truly painful.

  • Val

    December 8th, 2015 at 10:34 PM

    Hi Doren,

    I know it’s really unbelievable how painful it is. There was a woman on this forum who had only been married a week. And then some have been married over 50 years. I read one book on widowhood where a woman went to a widow support group and there was a woman there who was 94 and her husband had just died and he was 96. And that 94 year old woman thought “but he went so soon”. I think that when you lose your one and only, you can just never believe it. I’ve been crying a lot this week, I think it’s because Christmas is coming up. But in a way I think it has been good for me. I’ve been keeping a stiff upper lip for a while and I guess it’s good to have a good cry. But I think I will go off this forum for a while so I don’t get too sad. All the best Doren, it will get better. xx Val

  • Jackie

    December 8th, 2015 at 7:06 AM

    I know how you feel, I also feel so guilty for everything that I said that was not nice, or was critical over the years, I don’t think I was always that nice and I know I took him for granted – I am so sorry, so, so sorry. I hope he knows that I love him. It does feel like 3/4 of me is gone right now. This is the part in wedding vows, til death do us part tnat we actually can’t imagine.

  • Deborah

    December 9th, 2015 at 10:21 PM

    Jackie, I so understand what you are saying. I ruminate constantly over how impatient or snappy I could be with my good natured husband who never was short with me. I am always talking to him and telling him how sorry I am. The guilt eats at me, yet knowing my David, he probably never thought twice about it.

  • Jackie

    December 8th, 2015 at 9:53 AM

    I keep writing here, people will get sick of hearing from me. Jane I know exactly how you feel, we had no children either. I do have a cat and that has been fortunate. I am also an only child who has lost both parents. It is so lonely. When I am at work, I have my work life a bit, I have a responsible job. Then I think of Mark, and the emptiness I feel. I miss him so much, I understand about the food, I feel that way too. When I drive around my city I see every place we have ever gone. I am always on the verge of tears or crying. When you don’t have children you tend to go out often and do so much together. It is like 3/4 of me is missing. I am so sorry you are having a bad day, it is horrible timing for the anniversary date as well. It is very overwhelming, just going to the grocery store is awful. I feel the same about life and the future. I know they would not want that for us. Thank you for sharing, you have made me feel like I am not crazy. At least we know we have the people here that understand, even though everyone’s circumstances are different. Last night something happened on the news, something he would have been so interested in and we have the same feelings about the subject. I had no one to share it with, that could really appreciate my feelings. We would have talked about it. Even when something funny comes up that I know he would find funny ( I don’t laugh at it), I just recognize it as funny, and he is not there. They are a reflection of you, it is so , so difficult. This is a loss that I had never really heard talked about until I was in it myself. You always hear about people losing children and how awful that is, and I am sure it is. I think because it is common for people to lose a spouse ( it should not happen when they are young), that everyone assumes that we somehow adjust. It is truly the worst pain I can ever imagine. Jane, if you are still home, get out of bed and do one little thing, clean a counter, or the sink – go out and get some air. Lately I have felt that bright light helps a bit. You do still exist, I see glimpses of myself sometimes, you will too.

  • Jane

    December 11th, 2015 at 9:02 AM

    Thanks Jackie. I understand how we are trying to deal with our new terrible reality is only something we can understand. My husband Eddie got me, so much I can’t share with others as they wouldn’t understand it as only he would. To never see or hear him again, touch him and always feel safe and protected around him are things I have to get used to never experiencing again. I feel I do not want to go on without him, it will be a sad and lonely life. We did most things together hence almost everything now cannot be the same and I cannot handle it. I wish we had even had a chance to say good bye, it all happened so quickly and so unexpectedly. This forum helps me feel a sense of shared grief even though our circumstances are so different.

  • Carolyn

    December 8th, 2015 at 7:12 PM

    I know exactly how you feel..I lost my husband on November 17. It is just so surreal and I cry a lit when I’m alone. His closet is filled with his clothes..his chair sits empty in the family room..I’m sad, our dog is sad. I can’t even believe that I will ever feel any differently. I have never lived alone. We were married for 55 years, I went from my parents home to marrying Jim. The song..how am I supposed to live without you when I’ve been loving you for so long, how am I supposed to live without you when all that I’ve been living for is gone goes round in my head. I guess when you have no choice you just go on.

    Carolyn

  • Joanne R

    December 11th, 2015 at 3:15 PM

    Carolyn, I also lost my husband on Nov 17. We were married for 45 years and have 4 children 7 grandchildren and 3 great grands. I feel just like you do. I’m just barely living and sometimes wish I wasn’t.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    December 11th, 2015 at 3:45 PM

    Dear Joanne,

    Thank you for your comment. We are sorry to hear of your recent loss. The GoodTherapy.org Team is not a substitute for professional help, but it is often helpful to work through grief with the support of a therapist or counselor. You can locate a mental health professional in your area by entering your ZIP code here:

    http://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

    Please know that you are not alone. Help is available, and we wish you the best of luck in your search.

    Kind regards,

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Jackie

    December 9th, 2015 at 12:47 PM

    Hi Doren,
    I know how you feel, as I said before I am 3.5 months into this horrible new reality. I also feel like I can’t do it. I walk outside and cannot believe that Mark is not in the world with me, he was 56. It is like your whole world is gone. I have said I sometimes see glimpses of another world at some point, it is so, so, difficult – I keep reliving his life for the past year, and the horrible day it happened – it was sudden. I feel like there is nothing/no one holding me up most of the time. There is no go to person, our security has been stolen from us. We are still standing, however, if we are living we deserve a life . I know you miss him so much, our hearts our weeping for them. I also think and know they would not want us this unhappy. It is so, so, difficult to even think of moving forward without them, but we have no choice and they would not want this for us. You are not alone. I am constantly thinking, if we had been the one to go, would we want them to be this sad all the time, no we would not. We would want the sun to shine on them again and have happiness. We just have to get there.

  • Deborah

    December 9th, 2015 at 10:12 PM

    It will be one year on December 15 since I lost my precious husband. Our 41st anniversary would have been in October. It almost seems like I am back at “square one” in terms of grief. Since our anniversary rolled around, quickly followed by the holiday season, I have been terribly depressed. My David was the most sweet tempered, kind and loving person I’ve ever known. I always felt so lucky to have had such a wonderful husband. I am one of 8 children and 4 of my brothers and sisters died at relatively young ages, so I always felt I would die before David. I always told him if anything happened to me I wanted him to marry, or at least have another close meaningful relationship. I would have never wanted him to continue through life alone. He deserved a lovely life shared with someone special.
    David died very suddenly and unexpectedly and my happy life ended. I feel like I’ve been thrown into a black hole. I really didn’t know it was possible to cry every day for a year. I know David would also want me to have someone to share life with. I think I want that too, when I think of it in a sort of abstract way, but when I think of the reality of someone else ever being in my life, I can’t imagine it.
    I am told time is my friend. I guess I just need more time to adjust to this new life I never wanted. I wonder if I will ever experience joy again.

  • Rita

    December 13th, 2015 at 10:22 AM

    I havent written in a while.. im so afraid of sounding narcissistic,,,i am having such a difficult time being around my friends and family…its no wonder i spend so much time alone… it seems they want me to view this new world of mine with new hope and fresh aspirations while distancing myself from memories of my husband and our former life to make new memories….painful or not…they comfort me…it feels as though i have been given me a time slot to follow for their convenience for grieving…i dont want to hear today is first day of the rest of my life or i need to move on….it is not helpful…i feel dismissed and like i am a disappointment to others….does any one else experience this ?

  • Jane

    December 13th, 2015 at 10:20 PM

    Rita, I experience some of what you describe. People around me are planning Christmas, but for me it is not Christmas. On that day it will be exactly 2 months since my husband died, it cannot be Christmas! I prefer to do absolutely nothing on that day, but that does not seem acceptable. I get it is with the best intention, but I just lost the most important person in my life and my life cannot be normal and neither can I enjoy it. Part of me really wishes it was not Christmas at all.
    I also get people saying I have to start my new life but I do not want to. I just want the life I have had with my husband and I do not want to forget or throw away my past with him. It is all I have now and all I can cling to.

  • Carole

    December 13th, 2015 at 8:03 PM

    I know Rita people can be so insensitive. Especially this time of year. My husband just died in Oct. and people are telling me to ” have a nice Christmas” …really ? ! Its because people are so surface level. Just like when people in general ask each ” how are you doing “….it’s merely conversation, something to say, they don’t mean it and most don’t really care. Its become robotic in our society. Someone sent me a Christmas card yesterday that read ” Merry Christmas…..have a wonderful festive season with the ones you love ” . Really ? I would never send that card to someone who had just lost their spouse ( or child or family member), if that card was from a box and they were sending all their friends the same card I would have bought a special different card for the one in mourning if I *really* cared about them. Another person left me a voice message asking how I am and telling me to have a nice holiday ! Maybe I’m ultra sensitive but little things like this irk me.

  • Jackie

    December 14th, 2015 at 6:53 AM

    Hi Rita and Carole,
    You are not alone with this experience. I am being told that I can have an exciting new life, that there is a world of possibilities for me to explore. My Mark passed away in August. My memories are keeping me going, but sometimes a memory is so acutely sad, I mean it is a good memory but it is like it was yesterday. It is mostly memories of ongoing things we did together. Something going for coffee, I can actually picture him sitting in his usual spot at Starbucks, that hurts so much. He died suddenly, so there was no advance warning. I don’t think people really think about what they are saying, I think they don’t know what to say. It is better to say nothing than continue to open the wounds we have. I am ultra sensitive too, I think it will make me more aware of what not to do in the future if I have people in my life going through this. People think we should be over it by now, if several months have passed. Their world hasn’t been torn apart, they have their lives to go back to, ours feels like they have been shaken upside down and tossed in the trash. It isn’t that easy to just re-invent ourselves. I hope we will be able to, but the journey is so very, very difficult. We just get through one day and hope to have some okay moments. There is a future, I am sure finding it is going to be a monumental undertaking.

  • Rita

    December 14th, 2015 at 10:40 AM

    Jane, Carole and Jackie,
    Thank you for sharing your feelings…i appreciate your conversation so much…i know you understand what i am going through every day and night…our time with our husbands was so precious and it is so painful to be without them…especially during holidays while others around us have joy…

  • Jackie

    December 14th, 2015 at 12:24 PM

    Hi Rita,
    It is a horrible club that we belong to now. It is painful, like a wound no different – a very slow healing wound. I do understand exactly how you are feeling. I am already thinking of the summer – “who will I go for ice cream with”, it sounds so stupid to someone who hasn’t been down this road but each and every little thing has changed in our lives. I roll towels a certain way for a basket in the washroom, I was doing that yesterday and thought, what does it matter – I am the only one who see’s them . I often feel like I have become invisible. Our husbands were our back up, our safety net, it feels very unstable and unsafe without them. I here a car outside, locking a door ( the horn peeps for a second) and I think it is Mark coming home, and then I realize no he is not coming home. So many sad moments for us. We need some peace and joy – maybe we can find a bit somewhere, they truly would not want us to be so sad all of the time. I just know that in my heart.

  • Rosa

    December 14th, 2015 at 5:36 PM

    That is true, Rita, many people could be so cruel to tell us that we are slow not to move on. How could they? Even my own family does not understand.. My sisters, my mom, my mom in -law (my late husband’s mom), his cousins, even our pastor– they all tell me that I should move -on.. How can I ? That night that my beloved husband was found dead in Philadelphia Airport (he was supposed to pick me up-a;ready almost 9 months now), and everything else is so vivid in my memory.. How could I forget? I just spoke to him. He was gonna come to pick me up.. And then, he was already dead.. Oh my God!!! And now all the firsts: First Thanksgiving Day, First birthday again I am alone, First Christmas, etc. I miss my husband terribly! I dont know what to look for anymore.. He was the only man I would like to love.

  • Jackie

    December 15th, 2015 at 6:56 AM

    Hi Rosa,
    It has been almost 4 months for that Mark is gone. I know exactly what you mean, I have been getting that as well, move on etc. I feel like I just spoke to him as well, I remember my last conversation, what we were going to do for the rest of that horrible day, I had the day off and we were out doing errands – I just found my list in the purse I was using that day. That would be terrible waiting for him to pick you up , I am so, so, sorry that happened to you. I think possibly some of us that lost their spouse suddenly like that are still in shock, it doesn’t seem possible they could be here one minute and not here the next. Today is my birthday and I was dreading it, so far it isn’t as bad as I thought. I think his first birthday will be very difficult. You miss them so much and only we can understand how much. Our lives have been changed irrevocably.

  • Kathi

    December 15th, 2015 at 10:14 AM

    I am wondering about finding any meaning again in my life, also. I lost my husband in an accident three years ago, and am still crying everyday. I am ashamed to tell friends how much I am still grieving because it has been so long. We were looking forward to a retirement of travel and relaxation together, and our future wasjust stolen in a moment. I am not interested in another relationship. I only irrationally want my husband back. I have tried therapy, with limited results. Am I going to spend the rest of my life crying?

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    December 15th, 2015 at 11:11 AM

    Dear Kathi,

    We are sorry for your loss. If you would like to consult with a mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage, http://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area.

    Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

    Kind regards,

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Sandra

    December 16th, 2015 at 5:23 AM

    Hi Kathi
    I too lost my husband three years ago on 23rd October 2012. We were married for 47 years and not a day has gone by that I have not felt so deeply saddened. You are right, people including family and friends would not understand so you tend not to say too much but grieve in silence. I have been seeing a grief councillor for all of this time and it has helped me a little. In saying that, I am not coping at all at the moment, I am reluctant to talk to my children as I do not want them to worry, they are very supportive but they have their own lives and families. I am not sure how much longer I can keep up this pretences of all being ok. I am in a very dark place at the moment.
    I am so sorry for your loss and know the pain you are in
    Take care of yourself
    Sandra

    S

  • Rosa

    December 15th, 2015 at 5:10 PM

    Jackie, A Birthday greeting to you! I dont know how to greet you except wish you well somehow. I went for a grief counseling provided by the Life insurance company but I didn tlike it. I attended 3 sessions only and I stopped. It was something I thought I didnt need. This website is what makes me get some consolation when I read other widows’ stories and sharing of feelings. Jackie, be strong. let us all be strong. It is difficult but we must. It is natural to grieve.. it is something we need to give ourselves to feel and share the deep sorrow.. Let us continue praying for the strength and the wisdom to understand all these that happened.

  • Jackie

    December 16th, 2015 at 12:12 PM

    Hi Rosa and Kathi, Rosa thank you for the birthday greetings !! I am on my way to a grief session in about 45 minutes, you do feel slightly better after you leave , but right now it doesn’t last. I go about my life but there is no joy in it. I am so happy I found this website . Others understand what we are going through. It is a deep sorrow and sadness. We do need the strength and wisdom to grief and heal. Kathi, it has only been 4 months for me, so I don’t know what the years ahead will bring. When our lives are changed in such a dramatic way so quickly it is like the we are on a different planet and everything is so strange. Our plans are tossed out. We do need to be strong and just breathe a breath at time. If we have a good moment we can be grateful for that. Even though I feel it has been a short time, people are starting to expect me to be better already, start my new life ( whatever that is), move on. Those people I am sure mean well but they have probably not experienced this. It is much easier for them to say than for us to actually feel and move on. Kathi, I am so hoping you get a little break from your sadness, I didn’t know your husband but I am sure he would want you to have happiness. He is probably looking at you and saying, please Kathi, get better – I want you to be part of life, live for both of us.

  • Rita

    December 16th, 2015 at 7:08 PM

    Jackie..wishing you belated birthday greetings..i know its so different now, but im sure you felt Mark wrapping his arms around you…i took comfort in that for my birthday…
    Sandra… i relate to your silent grief as i do the same.. smiling and talking in front of the world all awhile crumbling inside..its exhausting..i find refuge in my car and at home..then i talk to my husband….i think we are all allowed to slowly settle into the life that has been left for each one of us on our own time…never forgetting or leaving our precious memories or past because they are part of who we are…and i take comfort in that..
    We are so fortunate to have experienced such a deep love……

  • Jackie

    December 17th, 2015 at 7:15 AM

    Thank you so much Rita ! I thought it would be a terrible day, but it actually wasn’t that bad, I am thinking that Mark’s birthday will be very sad. I do feel his presence. I think it will be silent grief eventually because people move on and think we should have moved on also. If you haven’t experienced it yourself I don’t think you realize how horrible and life changing it actually is. I find comfort in my home now too, at first I didn’t want to be there , now I am happy to go home, even though it is empty, at least my cat is there to greet me. We are fortunate, I think that is why it hurts so much. Rita, you are right it is so exhausting smiling on the outside, and crumbling on the inside. Wandering around the grocery store, seeing places you have been as you are driving around. Lets hope for slightly less crumbling and better feelings and comfort.

  • Kathy

    December 17th, 2015 at 6:40 PM

    It will be three years the day after Christmas since Steve passed away from esophageal cancer at 61. We were married 40 years. Christmas is so hard for me because it has always been my favorite holiday. I always so looked forward to Church with the family, decorating, wrapping gifts for the children and grandchildren, and most of all baking and the Christmas dinner together. I still make every effort to keep it going cheerfully but I am hurting inside so much and it’s hard to hide. It is helpful to have this website for a sense of “it’s ok to still hurt after three years this much” miss him so much. My way of dealing is to go constantly always to be busy. No down time. It’s kind of like avoidance so then I don’t give myself a chance to go down the depression road.

  • Sharon

    December 21st, 2015 at 8:42 AM

    Hi Kathy,

    I lost the love of my life to cancer on April 12, 2015. We had been married 44 years and had known each other for 51 years. Alan was the love of my life. We did everything together. He treated me like a princess every day of my like. I still cannot believe that he is gone. I continue on with my life each day trying to find some peace and happiness. However, I think of him all of the time. I cry way too much. Alan left me an audio of our life together. He talks about everyone in our family and thanks them for all the happiness they brought to his life. I listen to his voice every day and it seems to help. I love hearing his voice everyday. It is very comforting. Friends have said that I should try not to listen to it because it will just make me feel more depressed. My sister, brother-law, Godson, his wife, and new baby all live in another state. I am thinking of moving there to be with them. My friends tell me to think it over before I make the move. My sister would like me to move and be with her family. How does one go on after such a painful loss? The holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries are difficult for me. People in general do not understand what I am going through. Hopefully, this is a site that I can talk with people that are going through the same thing that I going through.

  • Delores

    December 22nd, 2015 at 5:46 PM

    Sharon thanks for sharing. I lost my husband 1 week ago after arriving in rehab to come home. I need closure to find out exactly what led up to his passing. Besides the usual heart attack. We were married 43yrs. I met him when I was 17. No words spoken to me right now, can touch on how I feel. Half my soul is gone. I’m lost & I cry at any moment. I feel like the outside of me is moving but my soul is in one place. I have the support of my grown children, but its so hard to digest.

  • Sharon

    December 22nd, 2015 at 8:09 PM

    Hi Delores,
    You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I am happy that you have children. I found out when I was 32 that I could not have children. That was very devastating. The loss of the love of your life is heartbreaking. I know exactly how you are feeling. When my husband passed, I was under doctor’s care for 7 weeks. I still continue to wander around the house not knowing how I am suppose to continue with my life. I am sure God has a plan for me and he has a plan for you. However, I cannot figure it out. I still cry everyday, when I am in my car, at home, at the store. The pain is horrible even after 8 months. I try to keep busy. I am a teacher but I gave up my full time position. I now only teach part time. The children do bring joy to my life. As soon as I leave school, I am unhappy and afraid of where my life is going. Friends and family really do not understand the pain that we endure every waking minute. They will ask, how are you doing. I just answer that I am fine. But both of us know that that is not true. I went to one support group, but that did not help. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Please keep in touch.

  • David

    December 20th, 2015 at 9:13 AM

    My mum died in June3rd 2014 and I lost my wife in July 5th 2015. She had lupus at the age of 47. I always thought I’d be fine. I am pragmatic and hold the philosophy that we all have to go at some point. I have 3 grown children in their 20’s living at home which has helped. Also I have been very busy working in films and tv but despite all of this I hurt all over. At the time of writing this it is 17.05pm on Sunday 20th Dec 2015 and I am crying. I still have to face the first Christmas Boxing day and New year without her. Valentines day my sons 21st our Anniversary Mothers Day My birthday and her birthday. My friends say I am an inspiration because i have continued to be me. Laughing joking and messing around as I always have done. Truth is its a facade. A lie. I am a broken man who is scared of what the future holds without my first real love.We met when we were 16yrs old and now I am alone. Sometimes I wish my kids were married with families because I could then end my life.
    Anyway, I just wanted to share that with you all as I know exactly how you feel.

  • Jackie

    December 21st, 2015 at 8:38 AM

    Hi David,
    I do know how you feel, I also met my husband at 16 and it has now been 4 months today since he has been gone. I also feel broken and afraid of the future, my tears are always present and friends and family think we should be better by now. It is so, so, difficult the most difficult thing we may ever have to go through. I am trying to look ahead and see that eventually there may be some light at the end of this sad, horrible , indescribably heart breaking experience we are now living. There has to be, so many others have walked this path and seem to heal a bit eventually. Our spouses would want that for us, as we would have wanted that for them. It almost feels surreal sometimes, I often feel I don’t exist without my Mark – but we do. We owe it to them to find life again.

  • Letta t

    December 21st, 2015 at 2:01 PM

    Hi I am a32yrs woman I lost my husband on 8august 2015,I can’t forget that day,it was on Friday afternoon when I received a cal from his mobile number a lady informed me that my husband is not well she was sitting next to him in a taxi, I waited 4 him on his arrival he was really sic complaining about the pain on his chest, he didn’t want to go to hospital I had to go with him to Limpopo from mpumalanga on our way back the following day he died in my hands,,he was 42 I have been with him since18 yrs he was my everything how do I move on everything in the house remind me of him even my clothes postmortem says he died from heart failure, his family blames me for his death they even cal me names I have three kids pls help me heal this pain is too much I don’t think I will be able to love again loosing a partner is hard

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    December 21st, 2015 at 4:13 PM

    Dear Letta,

    Thank you for sharing. We are sorry to hear of your recent loss. The GoodTherapy.org Team is not qualified to offer professional advice, but we would like to encourage you to reach out. If you would like to locate a therapist or counselor in your area, you can search for one using our site.

    To see a list of mental health professionals in your area, simply enter your ZIP code here:

    http://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

    Please know you are not alone. Help is available, and we wish you the best of luck in your search.

    Kind regards,

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Bette R

    December 21st, 2015 at 2:48 PM

    Hello Sharon – I just read your story and wanted to share some things that I thought may be helpful to you. You can see my story under – Bette, posted on August 23, 2015 at 9:15 a.m. on this site – it’s similar to yours, both in terms of the length of time we were married/together and the horrid disease that took my husband’s life. In my case, my husband was unable to speak most of the last year of his life, so what we were doing was texting back and forth to one another on our cell phones during that time – perhaps I’d be out getting groceries, or he’d be in our bedroom and I’d be in the kitchen – and we’d shared some of the most delightful, lovely and wonderful text conversations with one another – and I absolutely treasure them and will, for the remainder of my life — and like you “listening” to the audio tape your husband made, they bring tremendous comfort to me personally! Which in hindsight now, have been one of only a few sources of comfort when you’re going through those initial months! In March of 2016 it will be two years since my husband passed away and I have read and re-read those texts and slowly moved forward in my life. I think for most of us who have spent almost our entire life with one person, it’s not a relationship that you move forward from easily, and because of that close bond, we don’t want to move on without taking/having them with us! I’ve come to realize that unless you’ve had a similar life-changing experience with loss – it’s not something most people are able to feel, understand, or fully comprehend. No to mention that we’re all different and respond differently to grief! It sounds to me as though listening to your husband’s tape provides a wealth of comfort that will, in the long term, enable you to move forward — I found this grieving thing to be a very slow going process and I wouldn’t place any pressure on yourself to put it behind you — if you’re open to what’s happening in your life and the total life-changing event that you have and are experiencing, there is much to be learned and understood. Also, just in reference to your consideration about moving – if you are able to stay in place for 12-18 months before making that kind of decision, I would do so. Unless you’re uncomfortable about being alone. In my case, our children were grown and no longer living at home so when my husband passed away, it left me alone in our home, and I prefer that, as opposed to living with family members or friends — but that may just be my personal preference. So take your time and sort out what YOU really want going forward. My most positive thoughts and prayers are with you.

  • Sharon

    December 21st, 2015 at 4:21 PM

    Thank you Bette for your thoughts and insights. I know that I need to move on but I think of him just about every waking minute. If I move to another state, it will only help that I am with family. In the home we shared for all of the years, there are so many wonderful memories. However, I am unhappy coming home knowing that he will never come back. Hopefully, in the next life we will be reunited. I try to keep busy.

  • Carole

    December 21st, 2015 at 7:39 PM

    ***David I am so sorry for your loss. Hug. I too lost two who I was very close to within 18 months. My only sibling-sister in 4/14 and now 10/15 my husband. Both my parents are gone and I have no children so I have no family. I wonder why I have been left here alone to watch each die and care for them in their dying, well that part was a privilege and blessing from God I believe, that I got to care for them. I can’t help feeling that I am next…for some reason God felt I should be the one to care for them all first and then it would be my turn.
    ____________________________________________________________________________________________
    I spent the day going through and sorting pictures. I want to make a memory album for each one I have lost, my husband, my only sibling(sister who died 4/14) and my Mom and Dad. Of course I ended up crying. I am so glad I am the type who saved everything, I saved every birthday, Valentines Day and Anniversary card he gave me. I also saved several love letters he wrote me, for so many years he worked swing shift and I worked 9-5, so we would not see each other much during the week. He left for work at 4 I got home at 5. He cooked his own dinner and left me a plate wrapped up every day. He’d get home at 2am and I’d already be in bed asleep. When I think of all the time we lost that way that normal couples had there evenings together. He would sometimes write me 2 or 3 pages letters before he went to work and leave them on the table, I saved them all. So glad I did, now I cherish them. I saw the doctor a few days ago and now I have high blood pressure, I went in because I kept having heart palpitations. She did an EKG and it was fine but I go back in two weeks and if they BP is not down she will put me on BP meds. Its from stress. I don’t feel stressed but she said my body is reacting to his death.

  • Jackie

    December 22nd, 2015 at 6:17 AM

    Hi Carole,
    I am so sorry for the loss of your David. I am also in a similar boat, Mark and I had no children and I am an only child, my parents are also both gone. I often feel very alone in the world, even though I have friends around me. I feel we are still left here for a reason so we must try to live, taking baby steps every day. It is so difficult, my Mark had a heart problem for many years, so I always thought that at some point I may be alone, I guess I was always trying to prepare myself somewhat. Nothing prepares you for this new reality. We just have to keep trying for them, they would want us to live while we are alive.

  • candice

    December 23rd, 2015 at 2:20 AM

    My husband just died last week and I’m not doing good I here him talking to me and he’s not there. If there is anyone that could possibly help me please do so.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    December 23rd, 2015 at 8:37 AM

    Hi Candice,

    If you would like to consult with a mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage, http://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area. There are many mental health professionals that specialize in helping people process and understand loss like the one you’re experiencing.

    Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

    Wishing you the best,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Sharon

    December 23rd, 2015 at 9:15 AM

    Hello Candice,

    I understand completely what you are going through. I feel your pain and unhappiness. You will cry a lot and the pain is unbearable. However, some of the things that I am doing to help me is: pray to God everyday, make sure that you take care of yourself, eat healthy, and sleep the best you can. Last April, 2015 when my husband passed away, I could not sleep more than1 or 2 hours per day, now I can sleep 7 hours per day, I talk to my husband even though he does not answer, sometimes I think that there is a spiritual presence. I still cry everyday, but I try to get out of the house and do things with my friends. Talk with your friends and family, that will help a little. However, when I return home, he is not there and I cry. Hopefully, this is not self-pity. I know my husband would not want me to be unhappy but this is going to be a long process. I did lose 18 pounds and lost 1/3 of my hair due to stress and that is because of the constant dwelling on my loss. If anyone else has some ideas, please let us know.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    December 23rd, 2015 at 11:55 AM

    Dear Sharon,

    Thank you for your comment. We appreciate your contribution to the discussion. The GoodTherapy.org Team is not qualified to offer professional advice, but we encourage you to reach out. When stressed and affected by loss, it is often helpful to consult with a qualified mental health professional.

    You can find a list of therapists and counselors in your area by entering your ZIP code here:

    http://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

    Please know you are not alone. Help is available, and we wish you the best of luck in your search.

    Kind regards,

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • John

    December 24th, 2015 at 5:34 PM

    My wife passed away within 4 months of being diagnosed with leukemia. We had been together for 59 years and I am finding it difficult to cope with her loss after just a short quick illness that took her away from me. I try to keep myself busy but this is just a short term process and the grief keeps returning. I keep in touch with my children and grandchildren but I feel that I am interfering with their lifestyle. I am at my wits end as to how much longer I am able to cope with the heavy grief that is over powering me, especially at this time of year, Christmas. My wife passed away in just over on month away.

  • GoodTherapy Admin

    GoodTherapy Admin

    December 24th, 2015 at 7:30 PM

    Dear John,

    Thank you for your comment. We wanted to provide a link to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have some information for you about what to do if you are in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Karen

    December 25th, 2015 at 4:18 PM

    I’m so sorry John but all I can offer is to go slow take one day at a time my husband died just on 14 months now and the days are long and lonely but we all keep going on we just have to the memories will never leave us and I hold dear to them so will you please take care

  • Rita

    December 26th, 2015 at 12:29 PM

    John
    My husband of 40 years passed away 19 months ago today also from Leukemia… i miss him every day and night. I truly understand all of the emotions that you are experiencing because of this devastating loss. I also agree with Karen about slowly taking a little step every day while embracing all your memories… those cannot be taken away… they are precious just as your love for your wife is forever. This has been a bittersweet process for me as with most of the stories you have read. we are allowed to take all the time we need to grieve… Some days are more difficult like holidays, birthdays, anniversaries. I can tell you that keeping busy and my mind active does help get me though some of the loneliness. When i feel the world closing in from the silence I go out to a busy noisy spot like a mall or bookstore and just sit back and listen to life… sometimes i get in the car and just drive with our favorite music… i cry, i yell, i talk to the cat, always talking to my husband because he is never gone.

    You will find your place of comfort that is right for you as this world goes on around us. Please take care

  • Cathy

    December 27th, 2015 at 10:50 AM

    I lost my husband of 36 years 6months ago from a massive heart attack in his sleep. He was only 56. My world became colorless and my joy and happiness erased. The loneliness is unbearable and the silence in our home is deafening. I have two grown daughters who are married and each with a child. My two grandsons and my daughters are my salvation right now. Without their love and support, I would not want to continue on in a world without my Ben. It is a season of “firsts” that I am now experiencing with very little joy. So far, Christmas has been the worst. Dreading the month of January as the new year rolls in and I have to face my first New Years Eve alone, our 37th wedding anniversary alone on Jan. 6 and his birthday on January 20th. It feels like there is no time to breathe or to process all of this so soon. Miss him so much and am in so much emotional pain that I wonder how I am still able to go on. Most days it’s me being robotic and numb that helps me get out of bed and on with my day. Other days I can’t get out of bed and stay in my home crying. Have been in a grief support group for a few months as well as seeing a grief therapist who also lost her husband unexpectedly at the age of 47 from a heart attack. So, it has been helpful to share my feelings with others that are experiencing the same type of loss and getting some insight from those at various stages of their grief. I have read almost every book on grief and losing a spouse to sharing on wonderful grief sites such as this. I think that this is especially a hard time when the holidays come around and it will probably feel like this for some time to come. But I also need to believe and hope that with time will also come some glimmer of renewed joy and happiness as I make my way into this unwanted but inevitable life. My love for my husband is so strong and with such intensity that it has not died and never will. Therefore, he will live on forever in my heart, my dreams and my memories. Just wish the pain wasn’t so great but I guess that is the price we pay for loving so much.

  • Sharon

    December 27th, 2015 at 4:12 PM

    Hi Cathy,
    I share your pain and unhappiness. It is definitely a new life and I really don’t know from day to day where my life is going. It is a feeling of loneliness and unhappiness. The new year will be difficult for me since my husband’s birthday is on January 7. I have so may dreams and memories that I will continue to hold close to my heart. Right now, I am I Texas with my family and it is such a wonderful comfort being in a home with my family. I can talk with them and it takes my mind off of the sadness. My great nephew who is almost 5 months brings joy to my life. It is unfortunate that I have to return to my home. I think that it is important to look forward to any upcoming trips to Texas and I look forward to my sister coming to Wisconsin. I am so glad that I can talk with people on this site who understand. Thank you for sharing and listening.

  • berna

    December 27th, 2015 at 1:53 PM

    Hi,

    i have been reading sites like this since my husband died only 10 days ago, with the hope of finding a little comfort from the stories of other people who experienced the same grief. we got married last sept 28th 2015 and were only given a chance to live as husband and wife for 10 days for he had to leave me and go back to his work in a far away country. We’re only 28 years old but we’ve been together for almost 7 years when we decided to get married. i never had other relationships, we were highschool friends, separated at college and met again after graduating, became very good friends and couple after a year. after the first 3 years of our relationship, we decided to try living under the same roof, we were very happy and life was simple, he became not only a partner but a bestfriend, mentor, cook, almost everything, he also brought me closer to God but he wanted a better life for me and he tried working overseas in 2014, after 1 year and 3 months, he came back on a vacation and asked me to marry him and I did. We’re really happy I was so ready to start a new life with him, he said he will just have to go back to his overseas work for a few more months to finish his contract then we will never separate again. He would always call and message me to say how terribly he’s missing me, and that he loves me very much and i made him real happy that i am his wife finally. Until, last nov 28 after almost a day of worrying because he did not call or message me, i received a call from someone from work saying he got a horrible accident, and was in coma. I immediately processed my visa and all to come to him and was only able to see him after 6 days.. 6 long agonizing days that I do not have exact idea of what is going on with him for he has no relatives in that overseas country the doctors would not disclose to friends his condition, what i only knew is that he was critical. And when I finally came to see him, I could hardly believe what I see, he is breathing only with life support, low heart rate, low bp, low everything, comatosed with zero chance of recovery said the doctor. But i did not just give up, from that day until his last, i would greet him happily in the morning when i arrive and introduce myself as his wife, pray with him, aloud but very very sincere, would tell him stories of how i and his family back home are doing, i would read him the bible, books, sing him our songs, our wedding song, church songs, crack jokes and laugh at my own jokes, and then cry silently, making sure he did not hear a single sob from me, i would record my voice retelling happy stories of our past, ask his family and friends from home to send voice clips and let him hear those with a headset, then play his favorite playlists to him. I even told him everyday his own story based on what he told me before, from his birth up to the days after our wedding. I massage his fingers and arms careful not to move a single cord attached to his body, there’s plenty while reciting to him how much I love him, I need him, I want him, I miss him, and that I am ready to take care of him whenever he wakes up, i am reminding him how happy we were and how plenty his friends are and that there are too many reasons for him to come back . And at night, as I prepare to leave i would make him promise even though he is very still and could not talk, that tomorrow he will wait for me again and that I will have new stories, new voice clips, new bible chapters to read and I would kiss both his hands repeatedly and remind him again of our love, it was almost always impossible to leave. And that went on and on until he gave up. 29 days he’d been fighting. I knew it could come if miracle would not be given but when it did come I was still unprepared. I screamed, and hugged him, he was still warm but gone, I know he is gone, gone forever and I am just not ready to accept. My pain was very deep that morning and is becoming deeper each day. Im always praying that one day I could be fine again,all parts of the day are difficult but before going to sleep and waking up are the worst. i am always praying, going to the church and talks to my family and his but no one can fill the void in my heart because of his death. i could not compare this pain to any kind of pain i have fel before.

  • Varin

    December 28th, 2015 at 6:14 AM

    Hi berna ,same story for me except that they called me and said your husband is gone .i had spoken with him one hour before the accident.and because the accident was too bad they didnot show me his body.i cant tell you any thing.but i know the pain .mornings.memories,tortures,guilt,…you are not alone

  • Nikki

    December 28th, 2015 at 8:59 AM

    How I feel your pain. I’M lost without my husband it’s been 30 days without him and I could care less about anything at this at this point. He was my world 12 years and I don’t know how to get thru this. I have a seven year old son who had an incredible bond with his Dad and I don’t know how to handle myself let alone help him. I’m in shock I just don’t want to accept this has happened to us.

  • berna

    January 2nd, 2016 at 12:42 PM

    Varin, Nikki, Tony, Sharon,

    My own pain is already too much there are times i feel like i can’t handle anymore. But i want to ask you guys, let us not give up ok? This 2016, i hope we find again new meaning in our lives. You will be in my prayers too.

    Berna

  • Tony

    December 29th, 2015 at 12:05 AM

    My boyfriend died in 12/16/2015. I can’t believe it yet I’m numb my heart broken.He was amazing person. I’m sorry to everyone lost someone they love . Life is tough. I’m trying to move forward with less pain .

  • Sharon

    December 29th, 2015 at 6:15 PM

    Hi Tony,

    Thank you for sharing your feelings. I am so sorry for your loss. People tell me that time will heal and that it takes time. it may take time, but the loss is so very difficult. You will be in my prayers.

  • Carole

    December 27th, 2015 at 9:14 PM

    Berna….I am so so sorry for your devastating loss. I am so sorry you were not allowed more time as a married couple. I wish I had real words of comfort for you, but they all ring hollow. Having lost my husband nearly 3 months ago I know it feels like a half of you has been torn off. Please know there are people who care. I wish I could give you a hug…but I guess a cyber hug will have to do. You are not alone. We on this board are familiar with the pain you are in , we each feel it differently but in our own way. No doubt it is the worse thing that has happened to us all. XO

  • berna

    January 2nd, 2016 at 12:35 PM

    Carole,

    Thank you. having someone to talk and have cyberhug with, like people in this circle, who truly can relate to how i feel, does make me feel a little better. I realized, only when one went through this kind of sorrow will he understand. I have read new posts nights ago but i was too emotional to reply then, only now i am a little ok, probably exhausted already of crying, or must be the holy mass that i have attended earlier tonight. Carole, Rosa, Ann, Rita, I hope one day i can hear from any of you that you are already doing better. honestly, I am so afraid months and years would pass but i would not be normal again. i am praying that within this year, soon, we will smile again, from our hearts, really smile especially when we think of our husbands. thank you carole.

  • Jane

    December 28th, 2015 at 6:51 PM

    Christmas day was exactly 2 months since my husband passed, and it was a most horrible day for me. Everyone around me tried to cheer me up and be merry, and as I had spent the day crying and feeling really sad and empty, I decided to spend time with everyone else that came to spend Christmas with me. I was still so sad inside, the torment I felt knowing my husband was missing out, he had plans for Christmas and new years and here we were without him…..I felt guilty that night for trying to enjoy the night with family and friends as he could not join in. I hate all these festivities and I just wish they could pass quickly. I try to maintain a normal face and persona when people are around, but l cry on my own, have thoughts of him constantly on my mind, I have lots of questions why that day, why him, why so sudden, why no warning, why was he taken away when he had so much to live for, why was I left at 42 on my own……and now nothing matters to me. I do not find enjoyment in anything, I have no interest in what the future holds, all I want is to be with my husband where he is. I miss him so much, I remember his love for me and the affection he always showed me. He was the most gentle person and so full of love and life. I just cannot seem to accept that I will now only ever see him in photos and videos. This forum helps me to share with others who are experiencing the same thing….all of us in our own different way but living what I feel is now an empty life…..

  • Melinda

    December 29th, 2015 at 7:34 AM

    I lost my husband two months ago. He was 56 years old and too young to leave me. We had been camping and he was on his way home when he died from a heart attack. He had health issues ever since I met him almost 9 years ago. He had heart disease, PAD, COPD, and was diabetic. He was my soulmate and I miss him more everyday. I cry and wish this were a bad dream. I still wait for him to come home. I miss playing cards with him and doing other things with him. He accepted my children and grandchildren as if they were his flesh and blood. My daughters and grandchildren are having a hard time with his death too. I find it so hard to get up, get dressed, eat, sleep, and just do everyday things. I feel so drained and so alone. My friends and family support me but I’m still so lonely and this pain is so real! I hurt for my kids and grandkids because they miss him so much and are grieving too. I find that when I have my family here it helps. I plan to attend a grieving group soon to help me with this pain that is so overwhelming! I pray to God everyday to help me. I don’t know how to help my kids and grandkids who are grieving too. I just want my husband to come home. I know he’s in a better place and is no longer in pain and struggling to breathe and walk. I love and miss him so much!!!!

  • Sharon

    December 29th, 2015 at 6:11 PM

    Hello Melinda,

    I am so sorry for your loss. You will be in my prayers. The pain is excruciating and it seems that it doesn’t get better. Right now I am in Texas with family. However, when I get off the plane, I will begin to cry, since my husband will not be there to pick me up and give me a hug. Each day seems to be a struggle and I wonder what plan God has for me on earth. It is a very lonely feeling. My friends still talk about some of the memories with my husband, but my family has not talked or mentioned his name. I wonder why. Regardless, we are all going through the same thing and it is very difficult to absorb and realize life without our spouses. I miss him so very much and my love for him will always be with me. I write notes monthly in my iPad about what I am doing and some of our memories. This does give me some comfort.

  • Ann

    December 30th, 2015 at 1:22 PM

    My husband, my best friend, passed away 1st Dec 2015. I am still going over everything that happened in my mind, I can’t believe he’s gone. We were together 39 years. He was only 63. I can’t even express in words what I feel at the moment, part of me has been wrenched away and I am left with an emptiness that feels cold and dark. He went into hospital for a major op for cancer but three days after suffered brain damage from a cardiac arrest and never woke up. It’s the most terrible thing that had happened to me in my life and I don’t know how to carry on without him.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    December 30th, 2015 at 3:05 PM

    Dear Ann,

    Thank you for sharing. We are very sorry to hear of your recent loss. The GoodTherapy.org Team is not qualified to offer professional advice, but we encourage you to reach out. If you would like to speak to a grief counselor or other therapist, you can find one in your area by entering your ZIP code here:

    http://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

    Please know you are not alone. Help is available, and we wish you the best of luck in your search.

    Kind regards,

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Jane

    December 30th, 2015 at 10:32 PM

    Hi Ann,

    This is certainly a very difficult time of your life. Having just lost my husband 2 months ago, I can relate to the emptiness and sadness you feel. Life becomes one of constant sadness and emptiness, but saying that deep down I know my husband would like me to ‘live’ as I am still here, and so would your husband want the same for you. We have so many memories of them that we shall never lose nor forget, those will live with us forever until we are reunited with them again. It is difficult for me to just imagine I will now only see photos and videos of my husband, as will the rest in our circumstances. I find comfort in talking to him and telling him what I am doing or what is happening around here. They never leave us, they are always with us. Cherish the memories you have, they bring a lot of the sadness too, but in another way, I feel they keep me connected to my husband.

  • Ann

    December 31st, 2015 at 5:17 PM

    Thank you for your kind words. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. May we find comfort together using this website. Life will never be the same again but it seems this is the hand we have been dealt and we must use all the strength we have to get through this difficult time. Keep in touch.

  • Sharon

    December 31st, 2015 at 6:33 AM

    Hello Ann,

    I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. It will be nine months since my husband passed away from cancer. He found out on March 25, 2014 and passed away on April 12, 2014. The pain and grieving is not getting better for me. Friends and family are supportive but they truly do not understand what I am going through. Pray to God each day and He will give you the strength you need to go on with your life. I try and concentrate on those words, but it is so very difficult. There is so much loneliness, emptiness, and fear. We did everything together and I miss him so much. In the beginning I could not sleep or eat very well. Now at least I am sleeping a little longer and I try to eat healthy everyday. Our husbands are looking down on us and they do not want us to be in so much pain. It wasn’t their choice to leave this life and earth. It will be a struggle, but keep in touch and let me know how you are doing. I can support you, Ann, through this web-site.

  • Ann

    December 31st, 2015 at 5:13 PM

    Thank you for being there for me. Graham and I did everything together, went everywhere together and it’s difficult to imagine doing things without him. For the last two years I’ve suffered from vertigo and Graham lost his sight four years ago so we supported each other and looked after each other. My family are very supportive but the pain of this loss is so hard to cope with. I am so sorry for your loss, I am here for you too. No one can prepare you for these feelings, may we all find some comfort in the knowledge that we are not alone, we have each other.

  • Rita

    December 31st, 2015 at 2:31 PM

    Sharon, Jane, Ann
    I feel very fortunate to know you and have this site available to comfort me. We all share sadness, fear and loneliness walking this new road we have been forced to take. I truly appreciate the fact that i can openly grieve with people who understand and dont expect me to be someone im not. It is exhausting to try to be the person i used to be for the sake of everyone around me. I cant help but think that they will find out for themselves someday,, and only then will they get it. Tonite i am going to cuddleup with my husbands robe while the new year comes in…I am so glad these holidays are almost over. Please take care everyone…

  • Ann

    January 1st, 2016 at 1:44 PM

    Rita, I’m glad you cuddle up with your husband’s robe, I too go to bed with Graham’s dressing gown to bring me comfort. I also will be glad when the holidays are over and I am scared of the year ahead without him. I still can’t believe all that’s happened and that I’ll never see him again. It’s
    Iike a waking nightmare. Life can never be the same but we can all talk with each other through this website and comfort each other, we are not alone. Keep in touch.

  • Rosa

    December 31st, 2015 at 5:03 PM

    All the special occasions: Nov 5th my Vince would have been 62. (I am 54 now). Then came Thanksgiving Day, and Christmas Day and tonight, a few hours later is meeting the new year! I worked all those occasions.. I dotn call my family.. I just bury myself working so I dont have to think of many of those das moments. I would always think that my healthy fit, loving, handsome late husband is in heaven..he jusT died a sudden death and maybe thats what he wanted instead of getting sick and be taken cared for.. it is over 9 months now.. I hope I would dream of him .. I just keep playing his videos.. looking at his pictures but I dont cry as much anymore.. The first few days, I was awake all those 24 hours.. Now I am better.. Let us hope to have enough strength to overcome the grief in our hearts..Let 2016 be a better year for us..

  • Ann

    January 1st, 2016 at 3:36 PM

    I won’t say Happy New Year but may 2016 give us all some comfort and less pain. May we all learn how to smile again and remember with fondness those memories we hold so dear. It is going to be hard and our lives will never be the same again but I pray that each of us will find some peace.

  • Carole

    January 2nd, 2016 at 10:34 AM

    Rant…….

    Some people may be well intended but most are full of it and just say things to say things. Because they feel they *have* to say something. After my husband died a few months ago I was told by my sister in law ( also a widow of 3 years), ” I’ll take you up t my cabin for a week and we can just relax and vegetate” and ” oh I’ll take you fishing on my boat” and a few more promises of ” doing things together”….none of it happened. I never even hear from her, no ” Merry Christmas how are doing ? ” etc. It hurts more when people do things like this then just not saying anything at all. It shows they REALLY do not care a zip. They may have forgotten what they told the grieving person however the person grieving has not. And then there are the ones who tell you ” if you need anything call me, I mean it”….really ? like my handyman nephew. Sure I need some washers changed in my faucets now because they are dripping and I don’t know how to change them, small things etc. If the person REALLY cared they would CALL ME once a month and say ” do you need anything ? “…why should they expect the person grieving to ” call ” ? Most in this situation feel uncomfortable calling for help because they feel like they are bothering the person, esp. when you never hear from them. Advice to those who are friends and family of a person who lost someone, if you do not intend on following through with what you say just be quiet and tell the person ” I’m so sorry “: My stepdaughter could not even be bothered to come pick up her Christmas gift and she lives 3 miles away. Yet when I talk with her on the phone occasionally she always ends with ” I love you”…really ..hollow words. Do people even understand what love is ? Its actions not words.

  • berna

    January 2nd, 2016 at 12:51 PM

    Carole,

    I am feeling the same :( friends promised if i need them,i can ask, anytime, anything.. we’re still in this overseas country 15days after his death because of the police investigation, i could not take him back home just yet and bury his body. I have asked some friends to go with me some days to go to places or talk to someone because i am new in this country,all on my own, but they were all too busy. They’re adding to my pain but i could not blame them. I think they don’t really understand how difficult my situation is right now. I am just thinking, this too shall pass.

  • Rita

    January 2nd, 2016 at 1:52 PM

    Oh Carole
    May i join your rant? People are so full of themselves and do not care about our well-being. I also have a much older sisterinlaw who lost her husband a month after my husband, her only brother. She has tons of family surrounding and catering to her. She seems to have adjusted quite well- even after a couple months i would call and she would preach how the Lord works in mysterious ways and how our husbands are in a far better place… really.. . she would follow up by saying we need to get together and talk regularly…none has happened…i havent made an attempt for months…neither has she…
    I am quite tired of calling my few friends to say hello monthly to catch up on their lives and hear when they answer the phone..”hi whats up?” whats up is that these so called friends are fair weather friends,.. Its all good when “all is good”but any peek of reality and off they go to their happy stable uninterrupted lives ..sad..but who will be there for them when the time comes? I realize i am a constant reminder of their future but one would think our friendship and history would mean more to them…please understand that i make a concerted effort to NOT mention my husband.. Whats up? what an insult. What hurts is the fact that everyone around me goes on living without a consideration for my heart, past or present. It hurts when no one remembers my husband in conversation..he is gone and forgotten to them.
    Once again, i will say that there is a reason i hide away alone with my cat. thank you for lstening and understand…

  • katie

    January 2nd, 2016 at 5:32 PM

    This is a collection of comments that speaks of profound love. To anyone who may scroll toward the bottom on this day, the comments for this blog describe the intense love a couple has and a union shares. I love my husband. I will never be without him. It took me almost 20 years to figure out. After 10 years of deep loss, isolation, and depression and another 10 of what turned out to be a very blessed and fortunate life, I could only love my husband like that. I will never let God or anyone take him from me…. and I learned that really, God wants him with me.
    So, I talk to my husband. I make plans around my husband. I do projects thinking for both myself and my husband. I feel I am responsible to live the best life I can so he can, too…. because if he’s not living through me, there’s no way I exist. Thats what I learned in 20 years.
    To those here with some thoughts of ending it all… though let’s be fair…..it’s good people reach out with these things—- and we will all survive— I came the conclusion that that would not work. I got the place of wanting to extinguish I felt so bad. And I can’t. I can’t because I’m not alone. I found my partner in this life, and we were, and are, and always always will be a union. It’s impossible that we wouldn’t. I wouldn’t exist without him.
    So this is how I do now. I do as much good as I can to get merit for my husband. I work as hard as I can to become a good person in his image. I try to enlighten myself as much as possible and work for the highest good of all in order to secure merit to protect my husband’s spirit and mind and body forever. I spin a prayer wheel for him. I take the hard high road purposely to get the good karma to offer for him. I would do anything for him. Anything but let him go. I never will. He told me not to. So maybe, for some of you lovely ladies, this works. I live for my husband. I can’t wait a moment to be with him. So, it’s his tough luck that he goes everywhere with me. Was nice to connect and read all of the comments. It’s love that is being described in all the grief. I think we sure are lucky to have had men who taught and showed us how deep and vast our ability to love really is. I’d be lost without my husband. So, I continue to recognize, and think and act from that largest part of me that is in union with him. And of course, after 20 years, there’s been signs that it is the right way to go on, for me. I would say giving you life to benefit others through good works or just pure thoughts constantly, is maybe the best was to overcome grieving a beloved husband. God or Source and the Buddhas and Angels bless us so we may all be together forever and ever when we make it to the promised land…. which I know understand, is here, now. Because I can’t wait to see him. I really cannot. Love to you all.

  • I see

    January 4th, 2016 at 4:38 AM

    katie,
    I have to say I am in almost the a a place as you. My companion was TRULY the wind beneath my wings…a benevolent, gentle, supportive and understanding being. I feel him near and he has made his presence known to assure me he is at peace. His desire is that i find my joy and go on with my life. That is a tall order. I want to do it for us. My desire in this life is to be for somone else what he was to me and I don’t mean in a romantic sense. His legacy is love and I intend to carry on with him guiding me as he always did from a higher place than ever before. Love to you, Katie, and to all of us feeling the loss of a beloved companion.
    Indee

  • Doren

    January 31st, 2016 at 10:22 PM

    Hi Katie,
    I have read all the posts in this thread and yours, among all others, inspired me the most. So, I just want to say thank you for the wonderful words, they’re truly encouraging. Whenever I feel that the sadness is overwhelming, I always try to remember or read your post over and over. “Do as much good for my husband, earn merit for him, become a good person for him, live for him.”

  • Doren

    January 31st, 2016 at 10:30 PM

    I posted here I guess early December, 2months after my husband passed away on October 7, 2015. We’re married for less than 2years. Everything was so soon and sudden. I’m always in pain and very sad. Praying and surrendering to God everyday helps me a lot.

  • katie

    January 2nd, 2016 at 5:51 PM

    One more thing I feel I have to say: please be careful crying. I have cried very hard at times to the point that I did realize that it could be possible to die from a broken heart. To be honest, I have cried so hard that I have felt my head and heart get to a place I am sure a body can’t exist long. So, I went looking for him in my memory but in the present circumstance telling me it will be okay. And I visualized him or could see him so clearly, exactly as I remember and just sort of surrendered and really tried to stop crying. I still cry. And Christmas, OMG, just nothing and nowhere can fix that for me, but I figure, if I’m gonna have the old guy in tow forever I might as not well be sad all the time. I purposely set out to be happy for him. To see the beauty around me for him. Louis Armstrong’s song “Wonderful World” is too hard to get through for many people here, but if you look at the lyrics…. I try to see the world like that. For both of us. It was one of our favorite songs.

  • Yes

    January 4th, 2016 at 4:58 AM

    my intense crying and sobbing landed me in the ER with a blood pressure off the chart. I called my neighbor for help, she called an ambulance when I broke into a sweat and was vomiting. I couldn’t control my sobbing and had to be sedated IV. I felt like I would have a stroke from the pounding in my skull. I didn’t care. I wanted to die to be with him. My beloved was found deceased in his home by a friend. It was such a shock that my whole being was screaming. It took days to recover from the major incident. Yes, one can absolutely die from heartbreak and not necessarily from a stroke.
    I am truly trying to use my inner tools to regain my center and balance despite my sadness. I want to go on, but I do look forward to being reunited with him.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    January 4th, 2016 at 9:22 AM

    Dear Yes,

    Thank you for sharing. We are sorry to hear of your recent loss. We wanted to encourage you to reach out, as a therapist or counselor can often be of help when working through grief.

    You can locate a qualified professional in your area by entering your ZIP code here:
    http://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

    Please know you are not alone, and we wish you the best of luck in your search.

    Kind regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Sbvcrn

    January 28th, 2017 at 4:31 PM

    Katie and Yes. I wish I could really, really, really cry my hubby of 52 years died 8 weeks ago today…sudden death related to septic shock from a kidney stone. Instead I have a few sniffles, feel like I will burst and start to shake. Blood pressure up. Can release those tears so….i think possiblt too few tears could cause broken heart syndrome.

  • Jackie

    January 4th, 2016 at 8:19 AM

    Hi Everyone,
    I haven’ written here in a while, it is now 4.5 months since my husband Mark left this world suddenly. I was so afraid over the holidays, as I had time off from work and did not know what I was going to do with the days. We were together all the time. It was horrible, but not as bad as it could have been I guess. Katie, I love what you have written and I think that is how I am going to carry on, keeping Mark inside me and leading the life we would have lived for both of us. It is the only possible way I think I can do this. It was difficult changing to 2016 and knowing Mark would not be in the world present with me in the New Year. Katie’s message gave me hope that I am not walking alone – nor are any of us, as long as we have them in our heart we may be physically alone but emotionally and spiritually we are not alone.

  • Ann

    January 5th, 2016 at 3:54 PM

    I lost my best friend and husband one month ago. Christmas was hard but the grandchildren kept me going. I have read your comments and will try to live a life for both of us, it is difficult starting the new year without him. We did everything together, went everywhere together. The house is very quiet without him, he loved music so now I’m going to have music playing everywhere but it does make me cry.

  • Carolyn

    January 5th, 2016 at 5:15 PM

    Hi. My situation is the same as yours. Lost my husband of 55 years in November. I can’t seem to get through a day without crying. I am trying to resume my life as best I can. Did have grandchildren visiting over Christmas so that helped But now everyone has gone home and I am alone for the first time in my life. I live in Florida for a good part of the year so far away from family. Wish I could meet some other women that understand what I’m going through

  • Ann

    January 8th, 2016 at 12:58 PM

    I had been married for 39 years and like you I am going to be alone. I wish I was nearer to comfort you. No one can prepare you for this loss, emotions flying everywhere, crying every day, it’s so very painful. Please keep in touch on this website.

  • Carolyn

    January 8th, 2016 at 7:42 PM

    Dear Ann,

    I too wish I lived closer to people who are going through the same thing that I am feeling. I was feeling pretty sad today as I had hoped I could join my good friend and her group for dinner and when that wasn’t going to happen I cried a bit as I was all alone with a long weekend in front of me, then out of the blue my phone rang and it was an old friend who lives close to me inviting me to have dinner with her and husband. God works in mysterious ways. It turned out to be a nice nite,

    Carolyn

  • Karen

    January 9th, 2016 at 9:53 PM

    I am 36, just lost my husband to cancer a few days ago and I am going through the exact pain you guys are having. Hubby and I met in college and have had a great 15 years together. I miss him terribly. I live in Florida, too. I just want to sens you love in Florida.

  • berna

    January 10th, 2016 at 11:00 AM

    Ann,

    Sometimes, I ask God, why didn’t he give us at least 10 years, or 5, or at least 1 or maybe few months to live together as husband and wife, why did He decide to take him away from me permanently this early, only 3 months?! While other widows were left with a number of children, even a bunch of grandchildren, while I was left with nothing,no one to hold on to.

    But as I read your posts and theirs, widows who have children and grandchildren, I feel like the pain is just as deep as mine,or maybe even deeper..

    I still wish though, even if I know the pain could be a lot worse if I would loose him after 10 or 20 years of marriage, I would still choose to have those years to live with him and love him and be hurt even more after, if only..

  • Jane

    January 8th, 2016 at 8:11 PM

    My husband passed on 25 October 2015 and since that day I had my parents and some of my siblings come over and stay with me. They left this week on Thursday, and for the first time in 14 years, I am all alone and have spent two nights on my own. It is very hard and lonely and I miss him so much. It feels like having people in the house shielded me from dealing with my loss and now I am overwhelmed by the sudden loneliness. We had no children and so I am now all alone. I have his family who love me dearly living not far from me, but at the end of the day, they also have their lives like every one else to get on with, and now I am starting to realise even more how this situation of losing my most loving husband at 42, leaves one completely bereft. I have started to talk to him more now, and this provides a bit of comfort, but walking in the house alone without him here, makes me feel lost. I dropped my sister at the airport when she left, came back to an empty house and was lost as to where to start. My husband and I always ate together, and did a lot of things together. Suddenly, I am alone and I am a crying mess…..I find I am struggling to look at his photos as they bring so much sadness as he was so full of live and his sudden death is hard to accept. I am reaching out to anyone that can relate to being alone with no children suddenly or anyone else that understands my circumstances to help me with ideas on how they are trying to cope with each day. Thank you.

  • Sharon

    January 9th, 2016 at 2:24 PM

    Hello Jane,
    Let me first say, that you be in my prayers and accept my deepest sympathy. What you wrote, I could have written myself almost word for word. We were not able to have children and I do not have family here. My sister and my nephew live in Texas. Since my husband passed away, I have visited her six times since May, 2015. I am comforted being with her but as soon as I get off the plane, the pain pierces my heart. Coming home to an empty house with no one to talk with is extremely difficult. I am a part time teacher and I love teaching my students. They bring joy to my life. I go out with my friends at least twice per week and that helps. I try to keep busy at home reading and cleaning. My neighbor who lost his wife six years ago told me not to be so hard on myself and that with time it does get better. This website has helped me. It is too bad that we can’t all get together to share our thoughts. Jane, I understand completely what you are going through

  • Jane

    January 16th, 2016 at 9:18 PM

    Thank you Sharon. Our lives are only part of what they would have been if our husbands were here. The days and nights are very lonely as I do not have a close group of friends. I spend days at a time alone as I have taken leave from work for a few months. I talk to my husband and know he is always with me. Having this forum is almost like sharing the hurt, but I wish we were sharing happiness, not the turmoil and heartache of life without our spouses.

  • Pauline P.

    January 9th, 2016 at 4:43 PM

    Jane I have just lost my precious husband after 43 years of a wonderful marriage, I have no children, which was my husbands choice that I went along with as I wanted to be with him. I knew my husband was sick for over 2 years with cancer and I guess I knew the day would come that he would leave me, but now my sister and family have left and I am on my own I have fallen into a big hole, missing him so much, wanting him back, this morning I was yelling at him to come back even though I know that’s not possible. I went back to his grave yesterday but it didn’t comfort me I just kept thinking he can’t be in there, he can’t. People tell me time will heal, and for the first time in my life I am wishing my life to go by quickly so this agony will diminish. I wish I had some wonderful advice for us both but I think we just cope with the day we are in and not try and envisage the future, not yet.

  • Ann

    January 10th, 2016 at 11:54 AM

    I agree with you when you say that we have to get through each day, one at a time. We must take our time, take care of ourselves and although life will never be the same, we must give ourselves time to heal. I lost my husband on Dec 1st 2015, we had been together 39 years and did everything together. We will get through this, we are here for each other.

  • Kathy

    January 10th, 2016 at 12:51 PM

    So good to hear from you Ann. Mine was a 39 year marriage also and much like yours.While it’s really hard to keep putting 1 foot in front of the other, it is necessary for survival I believe. If I sit around too much I think too much. If I keep busy I’m so much better and I’m really a lot better when I’m helping somebody else. I am still working which is a blessing. I’m really grateful for this website. It helps me to remember that I am not in this alone.

  • Ann

    January 11th, 2016 at 12:53 PM

    Since Dec 1st I haven’t been on my own. Next week is going to be the real test, being in the house alone, seeing where he used to sit, where he used to sleep and a wardrobe still full of his clothes. I know I’ve got to do it but we did everything together and because we were both retired we spent all the time in each other’s company. So glad there are people to talk to on this site.

  • Lee Ann

    January 12th, 2016 at 9:21 AM

    I dont know what to say except..i miss my husband so much we were married 45 years and he died two years ago unexpectedly. It just started getting worse in the last month I miss him so badly and I have gone to groups and therapy but I don’t know what else to do I need to talk to other ladies that have I need to talk to other ladies that have lost their husbands

  • Jane

    January 16th, 2016 at 9:25 PM

    Thanks Pauline. I understand exactly how you feel, I dream of the day I depart and be rejoined with my dear husband. Life is too empty and lonely, and only we can understand how it feels to lose a spouse. We just have to let ourselves go through life as best as we can, which is easier said than done, until we depart when our time comes. Cherish the memories and let them roll down your face anytime.

  • Carolyn

    January 9th, 2016 at 7:46 PM

    Dear Jane ..I know exactly how you feel and having your husband die so young is tragic. My husband lived a full life, he was 80 and we were married for 55 years so we were blessed but doesn’t mean I don’t experience the same pain you do when coming home to an empty house. Can you find a bereavement group that you can meet with. You are young and have so much more life to live so it is very important that you get out and meet people. I pray you find a way to continue your life and find some happiness after a period of grieving.

  • Jane

    January 16th, 2016 at 9:32 PM

    Thank you Carolyn. I did not have a close circle of friends, so except my in laws, I have no one else I can just pick up the phone and talk or just pop over to visit or invite. The few I have tried have their lives to live and their own friends and families. It is hard for me to go out and make friends now. Not sure how I will make it long term, but I live for the day I will rejoin my husband.

  • berna

    January 10th, 2016 at 10:47 AM

    Dear Jane,
    I can feel your pain, i have lost mine less than a month ago, dec 18, we were newly weds, 3 months but we’ve been together 7 years. No baby too.

    I read a lot, mostly blogs of widows like us. Some do make me feel good sometimes. But I think, only when I cry real hard, I feel lighter and little better and fall asleep at night. I allow myself to cry, i am not sure, but maybe, crying is the only way to heal.. talking to other widows the way we do here in this site, does help too. I am not saying that i want one or some of my friends to be in the same situation as mine, but maybe, if i can talk personally to someone who knew this kind of pain, maybe that’s going to be more helpful than speaking to a bunch of single or married friends who never really feel how deep my pain is.

    Please take care of yourself and i will pray for you too as i pray for myself, for our fast healing. Hugs!

    Berna

  • Carolyn

    January 13th, 2016 at 6:59 PM

    Hi Jane , I can definitely how you feel living alone. I do gave children but I live in Florida so gave no family close by. We were married 55 years. I was 21 when we met so went from living with parents to living with my husband. I do gave a little dog who keeps me company but the funniest thing is when I become upset and cry he runs out of the room and sits behind the door to garage. He can’t stand the sadness..little stinker, no comfort at all..lol. But it’s nice to have him. He loved my husband so he has a lot of sadness too. Loosing a child would be the worst, loosing your life partner is also unbearable as that is the person you shared your day and night with and the house is just a hollow shell without him. He was such a positive guy and fought so hard to live with never a complaint. I’m trying to cry less and live more..I have no other choice.

  • Tabtig

    January 10th, 2016 at 11:18 AM

    Hello everyone, I have read through all of your comments as I found this site today. I lost my husband to brain cancer in June. He was 50 and the best thing that ever happened to me. We were together 28 years. We were young kids when we met (I was 21 he was 22). We have a son who turned 9 five days before he died. His illness was undetected until he ended up in the hospital for a 6 week hellish nightmare and our world was shattered. What he had to endure during that time is something I will never be able to feel ok about but since he was in a and out of reality, perhaps he wasn’t really aware of it for more than a few minutes each day. We never got to have a real conversation about his diagnosis or that he would die. Telling my son the day before we took him off the ventilator that his father was not going to live was not anything I could comprehend but I had to do it. I had to look him in the face and crush him with my words. This child both my husband and I had spent 9 years shielding from danger and pain. It was unimaginable. No one can prepare you for this experience and no one can understand unless they actually live it. It has been 7 months now and I went right back to work 3 days after his funeral so that I would keep myself busy and moving. We went through the motions of summer, and all of the holidays in our normal fashion. Continued baseball practice, games, etc. My son goes to weekly grief group and looks forward to it because he will not show me any emotion but I believe he shares in the group. He cannot stand to see me cry and I try so hard not to in front of him but sometimes I can’t avoid it. My time is my drive time to and from work (mostly in the morning where the floodgates open). Everyone says over time it gets better and I thought I had passed a milestone with a new year but I find this weekend that I am not wanting to work any more. I feel all of the things everyone here has mentioned. The most special relationship that was so much deeper than everyone else, etc. He was my hero, my savior, my best friend and my favorite person and saw me through breast cancer, a severe heart condition and many health issues that would make people think I would be the on not to survive but in a cruel twist it was him that went first. He did everything for me and I could not save him from his brain cancer diagnosis. I want the world to stop so I can figure things out. How in the world do so many widows not work and still maintain paying mortgages, etc.? I feel like I missed something. I have two mortgages, make a good salary and did all of the paperwork which was a nightmare for accounts, etc. My work has no meaning and I want to regroup but cannot do it with the demanding job I hold and my son’s academic and sports demands. if anyone has some insight, i would love to know. it is difficult for me to show anyone that I am not super human and can do everything but I am feeling like I want to throw in the towel now. I put on the game face for my work world, my family and friends. I have not cracked yet and I am way to prideful and private to show them I am weak.

  • Marie

    January 10th, 2016 at 2:22 PM

    I lost my husband of 43 years 2 years ago. I have no family support and no friends. He and I never had children for many reasons. The day after he died I had to go back to work as I could get no paid time off because he and I were civilly divorced due to financial reasons. We never stopped living together. I was told by my dept mgr that I was expected to give 110%. There was never any funeral because there was no money. Medicaid paid for his cremation. I could not afford to put an obituary in the paper which costs $300. I am still bumping into people who knew him asking me where he is as they dont know he died. I have his ashes here and am struggling to get money for a niche where both of us csn go. 8 months after he died I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I lost my job while out on short term disability. Since I was only part time they were not required to hold the job and I wasnt covered under FMLA. They cut the job from part time with full benefits to per diem no benefits and hired someone else. This happened at the hospital where I was diagnosed. I went thru chemo and found a way not to lose my waist length hair which never fell out. I have another job now but I drive 500 miles a week to get to it. With all this, I have not been able to cry for him. It is all bottled up inside.

  • Kathy

    January 11th, 2016 at 5:23 AM

    I am so sorry Marie. I went to my county hospice program. They had bereavement counciling. I got 6 free therapies and group sessions also free. I also went to their art expressions classes and it proved very helpful. You can give a donation but you don’t have to. Also when I started the group I wasn’t even living in the county. It didn’t matter.
    When my husband first passed away I also did a group called “Grief Share” a biblically based 8 week course. Was also helpful. After 3 years I still have “waves of breakdowns” but I work extremely hard to keep busy and keep one foot in front of the other.
    I feel that at a time like this which no one can ever feel unless they’ve been through it can ever realize how much pain we are in. It’s an everyday work in progress. I’m thinking of you.

  • jane m

    January 11th, 2016 at 10:12 AM

    having a rough day today. My husband died 8 months ago we were married for 35 years he was 56 and died of a stroke. This is so hard but it brings me a little comfort in that I am not alone. I lost my everything I do have two children and a grandchild and I try to cover up my sadness but it’s so hard. No one will ever understand unless they have gone through this. I have never lived alone and I hate it. We did a lot with our friends all couples and just find it so awkward now. the wife’s will invite me out sometimes when their husbands are out or busy I don’t have any family here but they are supportive via phone call. I guess we are all fortunate that we had amazing spouses and should be greatful for that

  • Ann

    January 12th, 2016 at 4:07 PM

    Having a rough day today too. It’s been six weeks since my husband passed away and I’ve cried every day, I’m exhausted, can’t get to sleep at night. I miss him so much and I still can’t get my head around all that’s happened. It feels like it only happened yesterday and yet it also feels like an eternity. No one can prepare you for this, it’s so very very hard. Please keep in touch through this site, it will bring comfort to us all.

  • Carolyn

    January 12th, 2016 at 6:19 PM

    Ann, I’m sorry you are having such a difficult time. I am trying not to cry all the time..sometimes easier said than done. On top of grieving for my husband I am having some health issues that are worrying me. Gave to gave a non cancerous spot lasered off my tongue tomorrow and went to friends house for dinner Friday night and something I ate hurt the soft palate of my mouth now I have a red sore spot that worries me so will have doctor check it tomorrow and pray it is nothing more than an irritation. Say a little prayer I will be okay. And it’s so hard to not have my husband here for support..being lonely is the hardest part.

  • Ann

    January 13th, 2016 at 2:24 PM

    So sorry to hear of your health issues, my thoughts are with you. I too have had some health issues over the last two years, I have been suffering with vertigo. Even though my husband was in hospital and very unwell, he was always very concerned for me. I understand how you must feel, we no longer have that one special person to support and comfort us. Let us hope that this year our health improves so that we can cope with our loss.

  • Carolyn

    January 13th, 2016 at 6:32 PM

    Hi Ann went to oral surgeon today and had a small non cancerous spot lasered off my tongue and other spot I worried about was caused from something sharp that scraped my palate so I am so relieved. I am hopeful that this is the beginning of a better year and I can start to live as best I can without Jim. I talk to him all the time and I feel like he is with me and I just want to try to be happy for the rest of my life as I know Jim would want that. My sister will be coming to stay with me on the 25th so that will help my loneliness. I hope you can enjoy a little happiness one day at a time.

  • Vivian

    February 1st, 2016 at 6:57 PM

    Dear Jane,
    I posted before that I keep a journal, well actually I’m up to 8. I write to him often, I’m not saying it heals but I do get it out of my system. He was the only person who really knew me. Never judged and always made everything ok. I was so blessed to have him love me unconditionally but now I feel all the more lonely. The hard part is the finality, that I can never be with him in this lifetime. I miss him so much, it hurts, literally. I can’t reconcile with the fact that I’m supposed to accept a life without him.

  • Rita

    January 11th, 2016 at 10:49 AM

    Marie
    Im so sorry to hear of the many losses you experienced. I can understand because some of this happened to me. I was a fulltime employee at the hospital for 14 years. When my husbands Leukemia was beginning to get worse and after his heart attack i became parttime so that i could take him to his hosp and drs appts. i also knew our time was limited so i wanted to spend as much time with him as possible. In the last year of his life i would occasionally take an FMLA day esp if he was hospitalized. I would be at the hosp- spend days and nites with him- which was
    1 1/2 hours from home and my work. The only call i received from my supervisor was to tell me that my FMLA benefits were running out soon and she could not hold my job of 7 years in her department. I was given a choice to go to casual status (part time as needed-no benefits-401K freezes) or quit. I did chose to stay to keep my foot in the door. A month later my husband was gone, i was without a permanent job, health insurance and now in extreme debt for his medical care for his last 2 wks in ICU. This heartless act from the place and people in which i spent many devoted years working very hard was unbelievable. I know cutbacks have caused some of these circumstances for me but i cannot excuse the behavior.
    I have two adult children and a handful of friends. Everyone is busy living their lives and going about their business.
    I also have my husbands ashes and plan on combining mine when the time comes to be scattered at a beautiful spot…together…
    I do know there are many free services available for grief therapy, counseling, art/craft therapy, widows/widowers clubs. Also ck with local funeral homes for additional services.
    What a path we have been forced to take together. I truly hope we can all find some comfort knowing we are not on this journey alone..we have each other.

  • Sheila P

    January 11th, 2016 at 8:21 PM

    Lost my husband of fifty years and three months on Nov. 23, 2015. I am broken-hearted. Yes, I do have a wonderful daughter, grand daughter, son in law, and many loving friends. But, my best friend, my constant companion is gone. I also have my three dogs to help get me by. I guess I really have it pretty good. So sorry for you who truly seem to be all alone. Please find someone to teach out to. How about adopting a furry friend? A kitty or dog who needs a home, too. They can be so comforting. Think about it…

  • Carolyn

    January 13th, 2016 at 6:47 PM

    Sheila P. Our situation is quite similar. I was married for 55 years and husband passed on November 17. 2015. I was with my son and daughter in law and rest of family when he passed so had a lot of support. Early December my son drove me home to Florida and stayed through Christmas. My daughter, son in law and two grandchildren were also with me through Christmas and New Years so I was ok. When everyone left I was suddenly alone with my little dog who is also stressed out over losing Jim. I’m sure he’s waiting for the door to open and him to walk back in…wouldn’t I love that too. I am just going to try to stay busy and find a little happiness.

  • Jackie

    January 12th, 2016 at 9:44 AM

    I guess I am one of the people alone, although I do have family – and many friends and a wonderful furry , warm cat. I am an only child, parents have passed away and I have no children. It is going on 5 months now, since my Mark has been gone, it was sudden and he was 56. I work in a pretty high pressure job and this is our busy time. It seems like this is a dream to me because at work things are the same, my deadlines are all still in place, my office is warm and cozy for the winter – but my heart and soul is gone. Everything and everyone but me is moving on . The reality of his absence is greater than ever now but my life continues with no joy at all. I am wondering if anyone else has these feelings ? This is such an awful place to be and everyone who says you can’t explain it to someone else that hasn’t walked in our shoes is so right, there is just no comprehending it. It is like our entire world has been destroyed and we are living on another strange planet.

  • Carole

    January 13th, 2016 at 7:03 PM

    Jackie….
    Yes I feel the same way. No joy in life, just going through the motions. My husband died Oct 12 2015 at age age 74, I am 57….I can’t believe its 3 months. we were together 42 years. I was only 16 when we meet, and I have never been on my own. Went straight from parents home to his. I too am alone. No children. I had one sister who was 7 years older then me and she and I planned to spend our golden years as old ladies living together, but she died of a rare aggressive cancer in April 2014 at age 61. So much for us taking care of each other in our old age, guess God had other plans. Mom and Dad both died in 2000. I have no other family. I do have a couple good girlfriends. I just can’t imagine living the rest of my life with this emptiness. Financially I do not have to work as I have his pension. What a blessing from the Lord that is, and my husband. I feel even though he is gone he is still taking care of me with his retirement. I have do some cutting back but I will survive OK. Perhaps in Spring I will look for a part-time job just to get me out among more people and keep my mind active. I still just want to be where he is. I never want to be with another man, I cannot imagine that. No one could know me and understand me like my husband did. I would never feel as comfortable with anyone as I did him. I’m kind of an introvert anyway and its hard for me to trust people so I can’t imagine ever trusting a man like I did him.
    Hugs to Jackie….

  • i feel the exact same way ...

    January 16th, 2016 at 5:15 AM

    Carol I feel so connect to you. I miss my husband just him being here. He loved me and I love him. We could sit for hous not say a word. Just hold hands and that was was enough for the both of us. Email me pls

  • Jackie

    January 14th, 2016 at 9:28 AM

    Hi Carole,
    Thank you for responding and understanding. Unless you have gone through this it is so difficult to understand. I as well would never be as comfortable with someone else, my Mark was my comfort. I didn’t realize how much comfort just being in the same room with him , even just watching tv or reading the paper gave me. We didn’t even have to talk, just being in the same room was comforting. Right now I am happy to be working. I have friends as well, but the comfort of my Mark just isn’t there. I hope we find some comfort again, even if it is just from ourselves and our own company. A part time job, may be a good thing if it is something you like. It is now like I am a puzzle and none of the pieces fit. You are just thrown in to a completely foreign and sad life. I so hope it gets better eventually – hugs to you to too Carole !

  • nessakitts

    January 15th, 2016 at 8:45 AM

    I lost to husband on the 5th of January,2016 to cancer.He just turned 33years old two weeks before his death and died on the eve of my birthday(i turned 28yrs on the 6th).Our 5th wedding anniversary comes up on the 5th of february,our second son will be 2yrs on the 22nd of Jan and the first child is 4yrs old.we just buried him 2days ago,i can’t get a hold of myself,my happiness is gone.im living in guilt and torment of things I should have done to prevent him from dying. He was diagonisd with cancer of d renal colon n was referred to India from Nigeria for treatment 3months ago and we couldn’t raise the money till he passed on.I also feel like I didn’t pray hard enough to stop this from happening, I miss him so much and don’t know how to live with this hurt and pain.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    January 15th, 2016 at 9:38 AM

    Dear nessakitts,

    We are sorry for your loss. If you would like to speak about this or any other concern with a qualified mental health professional, we encourage you to reach out. Please return to our homepage, http://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area.

    Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

    We wish you the very best.

    Kind regards,

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Audrey

    January 18th, 2016 at 2:46 PM

    I’m so sorry for everybody’s lose. I am writing to also tell you all about My lose. On Oct 5,2015 I also losed the LOVE OF my Life.On this date we our 36th Anniversary.He passed away at 11:55 pm. He had told me about a Month befor this that he didn’t think he was going to make it to our Anniversary. I just laung it off because I thought he was joking that’s the way he was. He had been Sick. For 3yr’s 28th Damicha. One day he wokr up and he couldn’t walk. So he’s home health Nurse sent him to the Hosptial. Well this is when my Heart started hurting. The E.R.. Dr said he had Parkinson’s disease and then he sending the rehab soccer hands disease and then he sending the rehab where you put Skype in the field for Parkinson’s well on this was on Monday on Wednesday the 28th September the doctor at the rehab baby bill well that was at 8:39 o’clock he just lost it and they sending you a hospital and at 11:55 on not I would have seen they took him off of life support but within 10 days he was laughing putting up and then he was gone. This boat my heart and I don’t know how I suppose to feel this is been 3 months in my head still spending I don’t know what to do or anything I’m at total lose. I not only lose my best friend,my Love, But I also lost my Soul. He was 72yr of age and I’m was 60 yr of age. Thank You all for listen to my story. God Bless you All.

  • Lori

    January 20th, 2016 at 9:02 PM

    I sometimes cannot believe that I actually belong to this group. I feel so sad for all of these women as I know how they are feeling. My husband died suddenly of a heartache March 2015. He was 56. I am 56 now. I know how lonely and heartbroken I am. But I am determined not to live the rest of my life like this. I know this process is difficult. It is not meant to be easy. We were married for 30 years. Losing him has left a huge void in my life. I never thought for one moment that this could of ever happened to me. My life now is measured in moments. I do not look to the future. I hardly look to tomorrow. I cry a lot. I think I am normal. This is going to take time. I lost my sister in 2009. She was 7 years older than me. That was difficult too. They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I guess I have to believe that. I have had to learn how to be grateful for the wonderful marriage I had. I now see women who have never experienced that. So I am grateful. Learning how to be grateful is hard. With practice it becomes easier. I am glad I found this site as well but I wish I didn’t belong here. But I do!

  • Ann

    January 21st, 2016 at 3:23 PM

    Sending you my prayers and thoughts. I lost my husband on December 1st 2015, he was 63. He went into hospital on his birthday for cancer op but three days later had cardiac arrest and had brain injury due to lack of oxygen. He was taken off life support and passed away. He was my best friend and soulmate. Just knowing he was there was enough but now it is very lonely. I too cry a lot and it comes in waves when you least expect it, it is hard to focus on anything anymore and I wonder what this life is all about. I am so sorry for your loss, please keep in touch.

  • Carolyn

    January 21st, 2016 at 6:17 PM

    Ann, I’m going through a hard time right now. I wish I could be better but I’m just so sad and crying way too much. I just want my life back. I just don’t know how to do this and I seem to be getting worse instead of better. I sit in my living room every night and memories flood back that bring me to tears. How am I ever going to get over this. I’m almost 78, I’ve been with Jim since I was 21. I promised myself I would try hard to be happy but right now it’s just not working. I’ve had a few health issues which haven’t helped as I have no one to talk things over with. I thought I was stronger than this. My sister is coming to stay for two months on Monday so I gave to pull myself together because I can’t do this in front of her. I think if I could feel completely well I would do better. I’m praying to feel well soon..take care

    Carolyn

  • Ann

    January 25th, 2016 at 3:05 PM

    Carolyn, so sorry to hear how you feel at the moment. I too have had some health issues over the last two years. It’s hard when you can’t go out on your own and you have to rely on others. It’s hard to know how to help you but do please bear in mind, we are all here for you. Don’t bottle up your feelings, if you need to cry in the presence of relatives, then cry. It is supposed to be part of the healing. Cry as much as you want like me yesterday, it felt as if I was crying on and off all day. Do please keep in touch on this website, thinking of you.

  • Carolyn

    January 21st, 2016 at 6:31 PM

    Lori, I am so sorry you list your husband so young, I had 55 years with mine but it is never enough. I think about my birthday coming and Valentine’s Day..he never forgot any of those days and wish I could sleep right through them but I know I can’t I was his caregiver for the past nine months and then suddenly it’s over. I hate it, I hate the lonely nights, I hate that he’s never coming back, that he’s not here doing the things he loves. I’m having such a hard time tonight, I just don’t know how to get past it. I’m pretty good in the daytime but awful some nights. The good thing is I usually sleep and sometimes dream of him..and he’s never sick. I had hoped that when I’m as far along as you I would do less crying but now who knows. I guess I should do this a day at a time.

    Carolyn

  • Jane

    January 21st, 2016 at 11:08 PM

    I lost my husband in October 2915 with cancer age 58 was told in September 5 weeks later he died pancreas cancer we were married for 11 year with him for 2o, I miss him so much some day am fine cry every day some day really bad like he’s just died and it like it’s getting worst just what to stay in bed and don’t speak to anyone but my family and friends don’t let me sometime feel all alone x

  • Jackie

    January 22nd, 2016 at 7:14 AM

    Hi Lori,
    I lost my Mark 5 months ago yesterday, it was sudden although he had a heart condition for many years, so we lived with that every day. It is so hard, I too get by minute by minute. I still work so I am busy during the day, but my job is stressful and I am having a hard time keeping up, I have deadlines all the time. When I go home it is so sad and lonely. I didn’t realize the comfort I got just from being in the same room. No it seems I hold my breath all of the time and look forward to the smallest things that kill some time. It is like my life was emptied out like dumping your purse and it has been all thrown away. I know he would want me to get better, I am sure all of our husbands would want that for us, as we would for them. I agree Lori, I wish we didn’t have to be here, but I am happy that we found this site. Unless you have been through something like this it is very difficult for someone else to comprehend the loss and sadness we feel. Lets hope to have a few good days and moments ahead.

  • Jane

    January 22nd, 2016 at 9:20 PM

    I can’t stop crying today. The weekends are so lonely as my husband and I always went out for breakfast on lunch on Saturdays. I do not really have any friends, so I have no one I can call on. My family live in a different state and I just feel so lonely. It will be 3 months on Monday since my husband passed, and I feel I cannot take this any more. I spent so much time with my husband and now I am all alone. I have taken some leave from work as I just cannot handle the pressure of work while feeling so lost and empty…and I just do not know how to hold on until my day comes to leave this sadness behind. As a christian, I cannot take my own life as that means I will not end up where my husband is, but I wish God would call me to his Kingdom soon. I am just ready to go and rejoin my husband in the beautiful place he is at. I am 42 and do not want to imagine I can be here for even another 10 years, this life is so empty and worthless for me. We had no kids so I do not even have those for company or to focus my energy on them. I will never understand why we die… it is so sad for those left behind….

  • GoodTherapy Admin

    GoodTherapy Admin

    January 23rd, 2016 at 12:01 PM

    Dear Jane,

    Thank you for your comment. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about Self Harm at http://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-self-harm.html and additional information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Karen

    January 23rd, 2016 at 1:25 PM

    Hi Jane, I hear you. I am 36, just lost my husband two weeks ago. I know exactly what you’re talking about. Though my friends and parents are here, but they don’t understand what I am going through as no one among them have experienced losing their spouses. The thought of my husband is really eating me up. The pain is so intense that I almost can’t breathe sometimes.

  • Ann

    January 24th, 2016 at 1:36 PM

    Hi Karen, so sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my husband 7 weeks ago, we had been married 39 years. I know how you are feeling, I describe it as an ache deep inside, my chest feels tight and like you say, it is hard to breathe. Please keep in touch on this website, I think it helps knowing that we all feel the same and we can comfort each other.

  • Karen

    January 25th, 2016 at 12:30 AM

    Dear Ann,

    15 years since I was 21, spending my time with such a wonderful man who was a great companion, my best friend, an excellent husband and an excel

  • Karen

    January 25th, 2016 at 12:34 AM

    An excel father to our 2yo. I think of him 24/7. I still can’t believe he isn’t coming back to me anymore.

  • Carolyn

    February 3rd, 2016 at 7:27 PM

    Hi Ann, thinking about you and wondering how you are doing. I have been doing a bit better as have my sister staying with me so not quite as lonely. Can’t believe that in two weeks it will be three months since I lost Jim Time goes so quickly. Had my first birthday without him and now Valentine’s Day is coming..he never missed buying me a card or a soft teddy bear. When I think of all this it is when I miss him and want to break down and cry. Hope you are doing better.

  • berna

    February 1st, 2016 at 7:08 AM

    Dear Karen,

    I am so sorry. 2 weeks.. i think the pain is deepest at the first month..i am on my 2nd now but the pain is still very deep, i don’t think it gets easier but i now have the strength to face my fears, like visiting the place where we got married and where we spent our honeymoon, i cried and felt insane but i still managed to walk home, when i imagined myself a month ago going to those places i thought i could not do it but i just did today, congratulations to me.. this is my way of recovering.. i am letting myself feel all pain, after each good cry, i actually feel light or maybe numb., i don’t really know. But what i want to tell you really is, maybe we can do this? Maybe we still can live our lives without our great love.. i am uncertain too but i wanted to comfort you by letting you know, i can feel your pain, please be strong.

    Berna

  • berna

    January 24th, 2016 at 6:01 AM

    Dear Jane, Dear Karen,

    I think I know how you feel. I am 28, dreamed of living the next 50 years with my first and only love Dominic, but he left me so early, dec 18, 2015, now 38days.. and i only get to bury him yesterday, the huge burden of dying as an expatriate, I thought the worst day was when i saw him lifeless in that hospital bed but seeing his coffin yesterday let down in his grave is as horrible as the day of his death.. yesterday was devastating i could not hold my emotion, i was proud of myself I did not cry on his 3 day funeral but failed to control my emotion yesterday. I am praying with my eyes closed, God please wake me up now from this nightmare! But it was all real.. I am all alone for 38 days now, a terrible widow .. tonight, I cried less, I probably got tired from yesterday.. I made a promise to him I will try to be happy again, now I realized I made a promise that is very difficult to keep.

    Berna

  • Karen

    January 24th, 2016 at 1:11 PM

    Dear Berna,

    I find young widows are rare breeds. I hope we could communicate with each other. Any safe way to leave our contact info? I find talking to friends have not gone through bereavement is hard.

  • berna

    January 26th, 2016 at 6:56 AM

    Dear Karen, Dear Ann,

    Thank you.
    Yeah, widows my age are very rare. Yesterday at a store, an old friend approached and asked, are you married? And i didn’t know what to answer. But i said yeah and widowed too. She was shocked and pity was evident in her face. Im sure her reaction didnt make me feel any better, so i do not want to be asked again.
    Life is unfair. And yeah, it will never be the same again.
    I am truly grateful to this site and to women here. Thank you, with you i can express my true thoughts.

    Berna

  • Ann

    January 24th, 2016 at 1:41 PM

    Hi Berna, so sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my husband 7 weeks ago. Our emotions are all over the place and the pain seems hard to bear but I think our husband’s would want us to be happy again. It will be hard, I think we will learn to live with the loss but life will never be the same. Please continue to use this website, we need each other.

  • Nazli

    January 27th, 2016 at 11:09 AM

    I AM 31 years and I lost my love on 20th December. It was a nightmare for me. I lost such a wonderful husband.

  • Ann

    January 24th, 2016 at 1:30 PM

    Hi Jane, I too couldn’t stop crying today. It is so very hard, words cannot express the emotions of losing someone so close to us. My husband and I were like you, we did everything together and even if we were not actually talking, it was comforting to know he was there. I know and understand how you feel, I lost my husband 7 weeks ago and life will never be the same. Please, please talk to us on this website, I know life seems worthless at the moment but I think we have to live as our husband’ s would have wanted. We must try to, we really must. The pain will never go away but I think we learn to accept it and live with it, it will be hard so please keep in touch.

  • Lori

    January 24th, 2016 at 3:45 PM

    Go back to work!! They need you there.

  • Kathy

    January 23rd, 2016 at 1:30 PM

    While this is an excellent website where we can all leave comments for each other’s comfort, I so wish there could be a place for phone numbers so we could really reach out to individuals that are really struggling at certain times. We all go up and down with waves of realization but to actually talk to someone who understands because they’ve “been there or are there” would be so comforting. My husband passed away 3 years ago on December 26 and I’d love to be able to talk without having to pay a therapist.

  • Jane

    January 23rd, 2016 at 11:02 PM

    Has anyone found therapists or grief counselors helped to deal with the loss, helped you cope better with it perhaps? I have been reluctant to see a therapist/counselor as I feel they will not relate to my circumstances, particularly if they have not experienced a loss of a spouse as I have. Has anyone seen a therapist and felt it was helping them cope?

  • Lori

    January 24th, 2016 at 3:42 PM

    I talked with a grief councillor for 5 months after Bill died. It helped to speak with someone not related to me or my family. There is actually one way we can all help to make our situation better. We have to be grateful for everything we have now. I know this is hard but it does help to be grateful as it helps to keep positive thoughts in our minds. Keeping busy is also very important. I have a couple of dogs that need me to look after them. Life will never be the same without Bill. It is going to be different. I don’t look to the future now. I don’t look to the future at all. Not yet. It is enough to get through the day. Also, life is a precious gift. I know my husband would not want me to waste it. So I will not!!!

  • Marjorie H.

    January 24th, 2016 at 7:01 PM

    I lost my husband on July 12, 2015. I miss him so much one day I am ok the next day I just want to dig a hole and jump in. He was given 2 weeks and lived 7 he was my soul mate and we were only married for 4 years, together for 6.5. So many things we were suppose to do and now I am so lonely. I am not alone as God is with me each day. He was 59 and I am only 54. I just do not know what to do with myself. I have attended one grief session but I am not sure that it helped that much. I wish I knew what to do, nothing has ever hurt so much. My church is so supportive and I do not want to always be the third wheel. I pray that we all find the strength to make it through the storm…

  • Karen

    January 24th, 2016 at 11:15 PM

    I’m writing in the hope that someone is looking for a friend I live in Adelaide and I lost my husband just on 15 months ago and I’m just so lonely I’m 57soon and would love to be able to make friends with any one that can relate to this pain and loneliness with missing our husbands just for talks over a good cup of coffee anything to keep us going with this life left to us sincerely karyn

  • Kathy

    January 25th, 2016 at 9:22 AM

    Me too. We need a database of phone numbers to really talk.

  • Audrey

    January 25th, 2016 at 12:41 PM

    Hello Karen I’m sorry for your loss. All for love my husband 3 months ago. The it was on October 5th 2015. He had suffered with dementia for 3 years but he still knew people he couldn’t drive anymore. But he got to he couldn’t walk anymore and he was starting to shake real bad and his home nurse came out and he wasn’t able to get up and walk and his vital signs wouldn’t feel good so she’s sent to the hospital to the ER. What while you was in the ER but your doctor coming in and said that he had Parkinson’s disease well he did notice to prove it but then he sitting to a rehab again and they prescribed him a medication. This was on the 26th of September 2015. Well on September 28th the rehab nurse came in and told me when when he gave him his meds he said oh by the way I gave him the new medication for the Parkinson. Then I send him back to the ER. From the 28th of September till the 5th of October my soulmate and my heart when he passed away. Does not he passed away was our 36th anniversary. He had told me about a month before the of he was joking around with me saying that he didn’t know if he would make it to our anniversary or not. And I don’t like that even after lunch so you’re being silly told him that he would make it to our anniversary. He did make it to our anniversary when he passed away it was five minutes to twelve Pro he did make it. I know how you feel and it’s very hard I don’t know what I’m supposed to do I’m supposed to live without him at the 36 years it’s hard. Baby if anytime you need to talk you just you can email me or text me or whatever you want to do I will be here to listen . And I hope and pray that you have peace in your heart.

  • Karen

    January 26th, 2016 at 7:36 PM

    Hi Audrey sorry for your recent loss of your dear husband and thank you for your condolences for my darling husband I know it’s all so soon for you and how my heart breaks for all of us in this terrible group I hate belonging here but please take time with yourself as I am now and we’ll all get through this as friends we unite until we can see our loved ones and hold them ever so tight once again your new friend karen

  • Teresa

    January 25th, 2016 at 12:27 PM

    I lost my husband 3 days before Christmas last month. We had been married 29 years and had just gotten our wedding rings tattooed on our left ring fingers. We were planning a trip to Ireland for our 30th anniversary, but he succumbed to sepsis, a blood infection, and his liver was not healthy, so his kidneys just shut down. He was only in the hospital less than a week, so our 2 children and I held him as he took his last breath. His last words to me were
    “I love you” through his oxygen mask. He didn’t want to die and he looked so scared. I now want to fast forward my life so I can be with him again. I cry every day, but still life goes on. People pull out in front of you and flip you off, and you want to scream, “The love of my life just died, how can you be so cruel?” I just don’t want to be here any more.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    January 25th, 2016 at 4:32 PM

    Dear Teresa,

    Thank you for sharing. We are sorry to hear of your recent loss. The GoodTherapy.org Team is not qualified to offer professional advice, but we encourage you to reach out. It can be helpful to have the support of a therapist or counselor when working through grief.

    You can locate a mental health professional in your area through our site. Simply enter your ZIP code here:
    http://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

    Please know you are not alone.

    Kind regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • berna

    February 1st, 2016 at 7:27 AM

    Dear Teresa,

    I lost my husband a week before last christmas, i looked after him at the hospital for 22days while he’s in coma, on the minute that he finally left me, i was not around, was actually 25minutes late, when i arrived, all his support were already taken away and his blanket covering him up to his neck.. that was horrible but sometimes i would wish i was there when they’re trying to revive him..i should have been there but reading what you said, maybe my pain would be deeper if there can be a deeper version of it.
    I hope a better day would come to us all members of this group. Please be strong.

    Berna

  • Jackie

    January 26th, 2016 at 12:21 PM

    Hi Jane,
    I have been reading this and writing on and off. It is 5 months for me since my Mark passed away. We also have no children and I am an only child. We did everything together. When you talked about the weekends, I completely understand what you are saying. We would also go to lunch or breakfast on Saturday or Sunday. Run errands , go to the grocery store just everything. That first month I thought I was going to just die, actually it isn’t really any better but I now can at least know that it is going to be not fun. I used to look forward to weekends and now I dread them. I know you said you don’t have many friends – it may be time to explore just one thing on the weekend. I try to plan one thing, I am not saying it is the same, it is not the same by a long stretch of the imagination and I so want my old life back, I can’t tell you how much and I know you understand exactly what I mean. It is like you are physically missing half of you, like home sickness it feels like extreme home sickness, I sometimes can’t even believe I am outside walking in a world without my husband. I also am thinking about all the people that have lost spouses that I have known in the past and had absolutely no idea what they went through. Now I think, how did they make it- what secret do they know. I wish I could speak to you on the phone or something- I am not sure if there is a way to connect – sometimes it would be nice talking to someone on a Saturday even though we live all over the place and say – okay it is the weekend again, lets figure this out together.

  • Kathy

    January 26th, 2016 at 5:28 PM

    I agree

  • Karenayres

    January 26th, 2016 at 8:12 PM

    Hi Kathy sorry for the loss of your husband and mine going on 15months now and yes I agree if only we could all talk and give each other understanding we all need to reach out to one another on this terrible group we’ve been forced to join I dearly crave friendship and comfort from any new friends hope someone reaches out a hand of friendship to us all sincerely your new friend karen

  • carole

    January 27th, 2016 at 11:33 AM

    Hi Jackie and Jane..this is my first time on this site. My husband died suddenly June 12, 2015. We were together 13yrs. I relate to your comments so much because like both of you, my husband and I did everything together. We had no children, but he was an amazing step-father to my daughter and she also misses him terribly. I am an only child and have few friends, simply because I spent all my spare time with my husband. He was an amazing man and the only comfort I have knowing he loved me and he knew how much I loved him. He called me 10 minutes before he died, he was getting a coffee and on his way home. He had a heart attack while driving, 3 minutes from home. I miss him beyond words and found comfort in everyone’s stories. I feel so alone but now realizing I am not alone with these feelings. I also wish we could somehow contact each other.

  • Lisa

    January 27th, 2016 at 5:23 PM

    I just lost my husband Jan 7th 17 day’s ago I can’t handle it miss him

  • Ann

    January 29th, 2016 at 1:12 PM

    Lisa you are not alone. Be assured we are all here for you. I lost my husband on December 1st 2015. I cry every day as I am sure you do too, it is good to cry. The pain of losing someone close is real and I believe we never get over it but we do learn to live with it, to accept it as part of our life. I am so sorry to hear of your loss, keep in touch on this website.

  • Jackie

    January 28th, 2016 at 6:41 AM

    Hi Carol & Lisa,
    Carol, I understand exactly what you mean. I am fortunate and have some friends, but I realize now that many of them had a bit of a life without their husbands, they did things with other friends, took courses, even went on trips without their husbands. I saw my friends at times, but my life with Mark was my priority, because he was truly my best friend and I am sure your husbands (Lisa and everyone else) was too. You miss them so much that it is indescribable. Even now, I am driving everywhere alone and always the one driving – I want to be a passenger beside my husband. If a couple picks me up I am in the backseat alone. Our life changed in an instant. I just can’t believe it most of the time and it has been 5 months. I want to tell him something that happened at work, or something happens on the news, I can’t drive by so many places because we went there and I am constantly thinking about it. Maybe there is a way we can connect somehow. At least we know when a weekend starts or when we are at our home that there are other people feeling the same way we are. People that haven’t been in this situation just do not know what it is like.

  • Vivian

    February 1st, 2016 at 5:02 AM

    My husband passed away 7 months ago and the more time passes the worse I feel. No matter how many friends or how much family are around me I feel completely lonely without him. We were married 33 years and married after 6 months of dating. He actually proposed after only 2 weeks. We were together all the time, by choice. Hated being away from each other and when he was diagnosed the first thing he told the doctor was “I can’t leave her”. He was right. He died a month later and everything for me died with him. I miss him so much, I physically ache. I do all the things expected of me, I shower and clean and even take yoga. I have gone to movies and dinner by myself but there is no light in my life. He was my life. We had dreams and hopes but all that is gone. Whoever said time will heal was wrong. As time passes I miss him more, I need him more!

  • Jackie

    January 28th, 2016 at 11:11 AM

    Hi Carole,
    We can contact each other, someone is going to sending you my email address, it just has to be done the correct way – we cannot post it here ! Hope we can talk or email.
    I am looking forward to that .

  • Kathy

    February 3rd, 2016 at 9:36 AM

    So glad to hear and I’ll call as well to ask them to submit mine

  • Jackie

    January 28th, 2016 at 12:18 PM

    Jane and Kathy as well – we will figure this out, we don’t want to leave anyone out, it is bad enough to be in this situation.

  • Kathy

    January 28th, 2016 at 4:21 PM

    I hope we can figure this out. It would be so nice to really talk and help each other out. I am willing to help others as I know it would be reciprocated. We’re all ” in this together” We need each other. Keep in touch.

  • Carolyn

    January 28th, 2016 at 8:15 PM

    It has been two months and 11 days since I lost my husband..I have good days and not so good nights. I am having a few health issues of my own and I so miss Jim to help me through them. I have been working at clearing out his closet…a big one. It is the hardest thing getting rid of clothes. I feel so guilty giving his things away. He loved baseball caps Nd had so many, some I have thrown away and some I gave away. I just miss him. I see him in my mind walking, laughing, eating and then at the end how he struggled but never complained, we never talked about dying, he was fighting for his life. My friends have been very supportive and my sister is with me know for two months. If I can get myself back to 100% I would be able to cope better but not feeling well myself causes worry and I fall apart when I’m alone. There is no one to help me for that. Tomorrow I see the doctor and hope he will set my mind at ease..keeping my fingers crossed.

  • Jackie

    January 29th, 2016 at 6:35 AM

    Hi Kathy,
    You are so right, it would be very nice. I am going to contact the website again so you can have my actual email. We do need to help each other. Just when you think it is getting slightly better, yesterday I had a few moments of “okay”, then you wake up in the morning and the sadness starts all over again.

  • Kathy

    January 29th, 2016 at 8:28 AM

    Great! Together we can get this network going!

  • Jackie

    January 31st, 2016 at 10:13 AM

    You are right Kathy, I want to do that too – I am just contacting them now. Sunday’s are so crappy. No words for it exactly.

  • Kathy

    January 31st, 2016 at 1:20 PM

    Good To hear Jackie!

  • Kathy

    February 4th, 2016 at 3:55 AM

    Hi Jackie! Got your email address! Thanks! I’ll be sending one out this weekend as I work part time. This is great. We’ll all get through this.

  • Jackie

    February 1st, 2016 at 9:31 AM

    Hi Vivian ,

    I am so sorry to everyone that may be sick of me writing here. I understand completely, absolutely completely what you are saying. It has been 5 months for me since my Mark passed away. I do things but it is hard to explain this, just to do them. I can’t share what I have done with anybody, I am not taking care of anybody and it seems why do this for just myself. Mark and I were always together as well. It is like I died with him, but am forced to still be here somehow. The world is not the same nor am I. Going to dinner and a movie which I have also done myself is okay, but then I have no one to talk to that really means anything to me about the dinner, movie – or just my day in general. It is the shared life that I miss the most. I do think that at some point and I don’t know when, we will be okay. We have to be we don’t have another options. They would want that for us so much, we owe it to our husbands to do it for them as much as for ourselves. I keep trying to think this.

  • Vivian

    February 1st, 2016 at 12:40 PM

    Hi Jackie, It is comforting to have someone truly understand. I miss everything. What is difficult is that part of my life is gone, died with him. Yes, I’m a mom, a daughter, a sister, but will never be a wife or be seen in his eyes with such love. He made me stronger, better, and so loved. My dream was to grow old with him. That dream is gone. I know that I will do what I need to do to go on, I’m a survivor but even if I fill my days with all kinds of activities, the emptiness, longing and sadness never leaves me. I am really glad I found this site. I have been writing to Raul in a journal every single day and it helps. I feel like I can say what I feel like I always could with him. The nights are the worst.
    Talking to you helps. Thank you.

  • Jackie

    February 2nd, 2016 at 7:12 AM

    Hi Vivian,
    You said it perfectly, I miss everything to, you think you would miss big things but I miss the tiniest of things. A good part of my life died with him as well. I also feel you can fill your days with activities etc., but the emptiness and sadness never leaves me either. I still work, and get a tremendous amount anxiety between 6:00pm and 8:00pm, it settles a bit but it is truly horrible in ways that people who haven’t been through this can imagine. I am happy I found this site too, I am trying to find a way for some of us to connect, I just have to do a little more with this today. Thank you for your help as well, we are not alone with this.

  • Vivian

    February 2nd, 2016 at 9:00 AM

    Jackie, are you in Florida? Maybe we could start a small support group. My problem is that most support groups are of widows who lost their husbands years ago and I want to connect with people who are going through a recent loss.

  • Karen

    February 2nd, 2016 at 10:59 AM

    Hi Vivian and Jackie,

    I am also from Florida. I want to reach out to others around too. I hope to meet someone around my age, I am 36 with a 2yo. I just lost my husband a month ago. Let me know if u guys are interested to meet.

  • Sophie

    June 8th, 2016 at 5:01 PM

    Hi Karen, Jackie, and other Florida ladies,
    I’m also from Florida and can relate to you as I lost my husband two months ago. I’m 39 and he was 36. We were married for 10 years! I’d love to connect with you ladies as I can relate to your grief.

  • Jackie

    February 2nd, 2016 at 12:47 PM

    Hi Karen & Vivian,
    I wish I was from Florida !! I am actually from Canada, in Windsor Ontario across from Detroit. I would still like to connect even if it was by phone, email etc. I understand wanting to connect with people that have a recent loss. Karen I am older than you, although I am a pretty cool 55 year old !! Although I just saw a picture of myself that was pretty bad recently, not that I look old, but their is grief written all over my face. It is truly horrible. I would still like to connect. Karen and Vivian maybe you could start a person to person group, if you are close to each other. Maybe we could figure out a plan to bring groups to our respective communities. It is so important, I have lost both parents and thought it was horrible, which it was at the time, but this is something that is just so painful few people can comprehend it unless they have experienced it. Going to the grocery store is even terrible, seeing all their foods on the shelf. Everywhere you go, there is something that you want to avoid or not see.

  • Doris

    October 23rd, 2016 at 3:04 PM

    I lost my husband of 33 1/2 years of marriage. He died of a massive heart attack. I am a 55-year-old woman from the Windsor area. I cry every day and can’t believe this has happened. He was physically fit, a nondrinker and smoker ate right, always went to the doctors. I try to keep busy and surround myself with a good support system but still feel lost and empty inside. I’m hoping with time it will get a little better. Sending love, prayers and comfort to all of you.

  • Vivian

    February 2nd, 2016 at 2:03 PM

    Dear Karen,
    I’m afraid I am quite a bit older. I’m 66, I have a 40 year old daughter who lives close and has a 2 yr old. Where are you in Florida?

  • Jackie

    February 3rd, 2016 at 8:30 AM

    Hi Everyone,
    I know we are at different points in our lives, I still think we can connect. Vivian and Kathy and Karen, I believe I contacted the administrator of the program to give them permission to give you my email. I am going to contact them again.

  • Jackie

    February 3rd, 2016 at 8:39 AM

    Hi Karen, Vivian and Kathy, I just contacted the “contact” of this site and asked that they share my email address with you. Please let me know if you get it – I would love to connect !

  • Vivian

    February 3rd, 2016 at 9:04 AM

    That sounds great!

  • Jackie

    February 3rd, 2016 at 1:08 PM

    Hi Vivian,

    I just sent you an email !!

  • Vivian

    February 3rd, 2016 at 10:22 PM

    Hi Jackie. I replied to it. Did you get it?

  • Jackie

    February 4th, 2016 at 9:07 AM

    Hi,
    It is so nice that those that wish to connect are able to do so, thank you to this website for allowing us to connect. I feel better knowing this is a possibility.

  • Kathy

    February 4th, 2016 at 12:47 PM

    Ditto from me! Talk to you soon!

  • Bianca

    February 9th, 2016 at 3:46 PM

    I lost my other half, best friend, my love, my soul, my everything on January 2nd 2016. He was outside “tinkering” on stuff just as he always did. In a matter of an hour my life completely changed. They got a pulse on him and took him by helicopter an hour away to the nearest advanced hospital, it was there a while later that he was pronounced….dead… I hate saying that word, I can’t, it gives me chills and I can feel my already shattered organ in my chest break some more. He was only 26, would of turned 27 on March 10th. I am 24, we have been married for 4 years, and together for over 6. Been friends since we were just kids, I’ve known him for 16 years since I was 8. We have a 5 year old daughter together, and I’m currently 7.5 months pregnant with our son. I was 6.5 months when this all happened. Needless to say this pain is unbearable, I try to show my daughter it’s okay to show emotion, but at the same time I want her to know that we will be strong, and we will survive. I do things for her because I don’t want her when she is older and feel like her childhood was robbed because she lost her dad and her mom was always sad. I just can’t get over how unfair it is for my 5 year old to never see her Daddy again, and for my unborn son to never physically get to know his dad. It’s actual physical pain I feel inside, all through my bones as well as my organs. Being 24 I have NEVER lost a loved one close to me. This is an exceptionally hard hit, more like a shove down the stairs of grieving. Our connection was so strong, so complete, and so unconditional. He is beautiful, inside and out. We had so many plans. I have lost the person who means so much to me. Unless you have experienced such a loss a person cannot understand how destructive it can be and how painful it is. Given the choice I know he would have never left me to be a widowed mother of 2 children. I wait for my C-section date of April 4th when I will be having our son, right now its the only thing I have to look forward to. Even though i’m so scared to bring this baby into this world without my husband by my side but I know this long , painful, road will never end. I’m 24 and should be spending nights with my family, my husband, our daughter. My husband and I should be putting a nursery together. Instead I’m constantly on Google “Young Widows.” Not going to lie I feel very envious of all the people who got many more years with their spouse as I only got 6 years with him. But I also understand no matter the amount of time pain is pain, and it hurts like no one could imagine. I keep a journal I plan to give to my children when they are old enough of all my emotions and their questions and things that have happened, explaining that day, how I had to break the news to my daughter.. but on this blog I’m having a hard time finding the words to say. My family and friends keep telling me I’m strong, but I can’t help but feel so weak inside. I am still in such a state of shock and I can’t believe I’m pregnant and a widow.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    February 9th, 2016 at 5:36 PM

    Dear Bianca,

    Thank you for your comment. We are sorry to hear of your recent loss. The GoodTherapy.org Team is not qualified to offer professional advice, but we encourage you to reach out. A therapist or counselor can often provide help and support to those who are working through grief and may be able to help you address these topics with your daughter.

    You can find a therapist in your area through our site. Simply enter your ZIP code here:
    http://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

    Please know you are not alone. Help is available, and we wish you the best of luck in your search.

    Kind regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • berna

    February 10th, 2016 at 7:47 AM

    Dear Bianca,

    I am really sorry. I can only tell you, you are not alone. You are right, im envious too. Because, just like you, we were not given many years, we’re married for over 2 months only when he left me, together 7 years and friends for 9 years before that. We’re both 28.

    Some people are saying I can start anew easier because I only need to take care of myself, no kids, not pregnant, but how I wish I have a little one, a reminder of him, who will receive my overflowing love, who will give me reason to be strong and survive each day. I feel so alone since the day he’s gone, dec 18, 2015. I wanted so badly to be just next to him again. No one among my family or friends can truly understand how deep this pain is.. we were just beginning our life together, working on our dreams.. i used to be very happy, energetic woman, always excited about the future, our future together, but now, the future seems so foreboding.. i am all by myself.

    I am not helping, Im sorry, but please know, I will be praying for you and your babies.

    Berna

  • Sharon

    February 10th, 2016 at 4:01 PM

    Dearest Bianca,
    I am so very sorry for your loss. You are so very young to have lost the love of your life. I lost my husband of 44 years ten months ago and I am still in pain and shock. No matter how long that you were married, the pain is the same. It hurts and is very hard to believe that the wonderful man you married is gone. The only time that I do not think of my husband and is when I am sleeping. I sleep,in the middle of our bed and do not move. When I get up, I say good morning to him and pray to God. I know that God called our husbands back to Him, but we need them more here on earth. I try to think that he is with me and is looking over me wishing that I would not be so unhappy. Our lives have changed forever, but we need to have faith in the Lord which is very difficult. Bianca, you may not see your husband, but he is very close to you and your daughter and soon to be born son. Your memories of your husband will always be with you. I did notice that some of the ladies on this sight were able to contact each other. I would love to join that group. It would be great to talk on the telephone with other who are going through the same loss that we are going through. It is so true that those who not experienced the loss of their husband really do not understand the pain that we endure. Again, Bianca, you are in my prayers.

  • Kristen

    June 3rd, 2016 at 12:36 PM

    Dear Bianca,
    I started reading this blog from the beginning in hopes of finding someone in a similar situation as me. As I read your post, I was shocked and saddened by how similar our stories are. At the same time, I’m hoping we can connect and help one another through this nightmare that we’ve been dealt. I lost my best friend, soul mate and love of my life on April 10, 2016. He was only 34 and I’m 32. We have a 3 year old daughter and I was 8 months pregnant with our son (we were waiting to find out the sex) he was born on May 16th via c-section. We would have celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary and 10 year anniversary of being together this October. Something we were both extremely excited to celebrate and honor. Never in a million years did I think in my 9th month of my second pregnancy I would be googling “young pregnant widows” instead of brushing up on caring for a newborn. What should be the most happy and celebrated time in my life has quickly become a tortorous set of very dark days. I will say, my two little loves are dragging me through this and have certainly given me a lot to smile about, but my mind doesn’t stop bouncing from fear to fear and countless moments of realizing my heart has been completely shattered and left empty. I hope your delivery went well and that you are finding moments to smile about with your daughter and son. I am so sorry to everyone who is going through this fierce pain. It is indescribable. We did absolutely everything together and he was the most considerate husband and doting daddy. The day he passed, he had just returned from a daddy-daughter date doing the food shopping for me. He helped me put everything away, cleaned up the kitchen with me and then we put our daughter down for a nap. I watched him kiss her and tell her he loved her. We went down and cuddled on the couch and had lunch. It was a very typical Sunday for us. Simple – but so filled with love and a completeness that my soul is yearning for right now. We still don’t have a report back on his cause of death, which creates all sorts of other feelings. I appreciate everyone’s candor on this site. It truly helps to know I’m not alone with my feelings and emptiness.

  • Vivian

    February 9th, 2016 at 6:36 PM

    Dear Bianca,
    I cannot imagine how awful it must be for you. My life has been so different but you are right, the pain is not measured by how long you have been together but by the connection and closeness you have with your husband. You are going through something that no one should ever have to experience. To find your true love and lose him when your lives are just beginning is devastating. I was blessed to find Raul after a bad marriage and there was never one second of unhappiness in our love. We raised 6 children together with 2 full time jobs and one of the children is a special child. We were very busy in all those years but happy to have each other. We had reached a point in our lives when we were going to truly start living our “us” time.

    I often ask God why now? When Raul was given 3-12 months, I keep thinking why didn’t he get at least the 3 months but you are right, for people like us who had loves like this, there is not enough time. No time would be enough. I’m afraid I’m not much help. I’m in a lot of pain. He was a part of me, the part where all my hopes and dreams resided, my strength, my joy. I write to him in a journal every day. I’m up to 8 journals in 7 months. All I can offer is “keep breathing”. I shower, fix my hair, clean my house, make my bed… I admit I do this as a zombie sometimes and with tears in my eyes at other times but it gets me through the day. I will say this, my granddaughter (with my daughter and husband) moved in with me when Raul died. She was crazy about him and she was not even 2 but she remembers him all the time. I am convinced she can see him because I find her talking to him. I know it sounds crazy. However, she forces me to ‘put up a happy’ face for her. Her smile and everything she is learning as she grows get me through sometimes. She keeps me from locking myself in my room and crying all day because I have to care for her the days my daughter has work.
    I don’t know if any of this helps but I’m here if you need to talk.

  • Jackie

    February 10th, 2016 at 9:40 AM

    Dear Bianca,
    I am so, so sorry for your loss. It is very unfair and your husband loves you still. He would not have wanted to leave you, your daughter and your baby to be. It wasn’t his choice. I know how difficult it is, I lost my Mark suddenly 5.5 months ago. I am older than you, 55, we didn’t have children and would have been married 33 years. I hope I am a young 55 as was Mark. The loneliness is awful, the feeling like a good part of you is missing goes along with me all of the time. We all wake up in the morning, with that horrible feeling that it has happened. Our comfort is shattered. I also can’t say the “D” word, instead I prefer the gentler ” passed away” and even when I say it, 5 months later I can’t believe I am applying it to my husband. I am happy that Vivian has written too, we have connected outside of this forum and it has been very helpful. It is hard for anyone else who hasn’t been through this to understand how we feel. What I find most difficult , is realizing the new normal doesn’t include my husband and he was such a huge part of my life. I do believe that our husbands are with us, somehow they are living on within us now. I know your husband will see your son, he would not miss it for the world, so somehow, some way he will be with you. You will know he is, I do believe that. He loved you and you are right, he would have never left you be a widow with two children. I wish we had some answers- I wish there was a cure for this. I read a book during the first month called “The Mediocre Widow”, it was about a young woman who lost her husband suddenly and she had 3 young children. It may be worth reading, as it is a bit of a novel and believe it or not has some humour, not that we can find a reason for humour but it has some real life situations in it. Take each day, minute by minute, that is what I am doing and know that you are not alone.

  • Bianca

    February 10th, 2016 at 2:59 PM

    I want to thank you all for your replies. As each of you know nothing anybody says really makes it better but at 24 you can imagine I honestly don’t know any other widows. Everyone my age is getting married and starting to have babies, my husband and I were already a few steps ahead of the game. So it does give me some bit of relief to talk to other people who have been there. Other people who could give me a little insight since they have gone through the same unbearable pain. I am very blessed in a sense that he has shown me unconditional love, and showed me what it means to be truly understood, a best friend and lover all in one. I’m blessed that he has given me one beautiful daughter, and a son this April. I wouldn’t wish this pain on anybody, not even my worst enemy however I do wish the world could see life through our perspective. To have loved so unconditionally, and loved someone like there was no tomorrow, only to realize tomorrow isn’t promised to anybody. To have that thought that the only way the two of you would ever part would be a divorce. You think divorce would be the worst, however you never think death is what will separate you. I know in your vows when you get married you say “till death do us part” but that is supposed to happen when both people are 90 and laying in bed together and drift off. Not tragedies, not sickness, not any of that sort. I know that no words could not describe this tremendous pain we all feel inside, but at a time like this I try to look at the glass half full and realize I have so much to be thankful for. His life will live on forever in the eyes of his daughter and son. His memory will live on forever in the words of his me and his whole family. Not a day has gone by or will go by that I do not say his name, or share a story about him. As his wife and mother of his children I promise to him to do all I can in honoring his life, everyday I continue to live mine, I will live my life for him, because I know in my heart if he could speak to me now, that is exactly what he would tell me to do, that is exactly what all our husbands would want us all to do. It of course doesn’t make the pain any less, and I know that for the rest of my life I will suffer and hold onto this pain not only for me but for my children. I can only hope and pray that I continue to give them enough love to compensate for the ever lasting effect death has put on this family. I used to be so full of life, just like my husband was. He was the man that lived every second of every day, never wasted anytime, always on the go. I can only hope and prey I get to that point just to make him proud. As for now the “haze” is present and darker then ever, and just getting through the motions of the day is exhausting to me (being pregnant is exhausting as well) But thank you all, reaching out is something I really feel like I need to do now. To connect with others. I don’t want this membership to the “widow” club, I know we would all like to revoke our cards but with no choice on that matter it is nice to be here for each other.

  • Carm

    February 21st, 2016 at 3:52 AM

    Hi Bianca,
    My heart is so sorry for your loss. I’d like to say it gets easier but grief is what I call the “monster”. I work through it. I think tears cleanse my soul a little bit. To my family and friends ” I’m doing great”. But this pain is ours alone. Many times, alone is where you experience it.

    Friends and family help when they don’t even know it. I’ll call them and just chat – not about my Tom – but just to hear their voice. It helps.

    I am 56 with two children, 27 and 17. The loss of our husbands is unbearable. Please take one day at a time. I wish peace for you. Calm in the midst of this storm. I’m told God never leaves us. I’m trying to lean on Him.
    Carm

  • Megadren

    February 14th, 2016 at 3:58 AM

    Thanks for one’s marvelous posting! I seriously enjoyed reading it, you could be a great author.

    I will be sure to bookmark your blog and will come back sometime soon. I want to encourage you to
    definitely continue your great writing, have a nice day!

  • Rosa

    February 15th, 2016 at 7:15 AM

    I would love to get in touch with any ladies who are near my area, in N. Wilmington, Delaware. I am still here although I planned to move out of this state. After my husband’s sudden and unexpected death last year, (it will be one year on March 21st, 2016), I saw the Grief Counselor assigned to me by the Life Insurance company, of which I was told I can have 6 free sessions. I only saw her 3 times and decided that I dont need her. I felt that she was asking me to say and do things for a mentally sick person. I told her that I am grieving , not sick.So I stopped seeing her. I travelled to Cancun with my sister and her family, then to Bermuda to see an old friend of ours, and then I found another job that kept me very busy-been with that job. I speak to my husband everyday–I whisper to him, how much I love him. I want to just float and not think of anything. I am feeling very sad today and read most of the stories from the widows on this site. I would love to actually sit down and have a coffee or a meal with some of the widows. I hope I can have anyone meet for a lovely meal someday.. And yes, although I have family in the East Coast, I dont think, my sisters really understand my grieving. They havent lost any husband nor children.

  • Carolyn

    February 15th, 2016 at 3:48 PM

    Dear Rosa. Wish I were close to you..I too could use a friend who understands what I’m going through. I list my dear husband on November 17. I am doing better than I was in the beginning by I too have sad days that come out of the blue. My husband died after suffering for nine months with stage 4 lung cancer. He fought so hard and wanted to keep living. I am beyond sad just thinking about it. I find the more you talk about it the sadder you get. I wish you peace and tranquility.

    Carolyn

  • Lipo 13 Free

    February 15th, 2016 at 2:29 PM

    whoah this weblog is excellent i love reading your articles.
    Keep up the great work! You realize, lots of people are searching round for this
    information, you can help them greatly.

  • Sharon

    February 20th, 2016 at 8:19 AM

    Hello everyone, today is not a good day for me. I walk around the house not know what I am doing. I miss my husband of 44 years and the pain is not getting any better. You. An do things with friends, but when I return home, my husband is not there. I just do not understand why life has to be so complicated and difficult. I had the perfect life and now it has been shattered. I miss even the times when we were home together, just knowing that he was there was so comforting. I continue to wonder why I am still here. Any thoughts. Thank you for reading.

  • Kathy

    February 20th, 2016 at 10:32 AM

    Hi Sharon. Not only do I understand I feel exactly the same way you’re feeling. I keep myself extremely busy but yet I come home also to an empty house. We had 40 years together. The kids are grown and on their own.
    Actually my daughter is getting married today. This is her second marriage. I feel it’s going to be a great one which I’m thankful for. However I will be sitting on the front row without her dad my husband. I will clutch his picture tightly and I know I will make it through. This hurts so bad. Some days are better than others. I’m going to hold on tight and do a lot of praying.

  • Jackie

    February 20th, 2016 at 10:20 AM

    Hi Sharon,
    I know how difficult and sad it is. Tomorrow will be 6 months since my Mark has been gone. The weekends are terrible. I would have been married 33 years. I get up on Saturday mornings and am in a panic, of what to do today, and then think of what we would have done on a Saturday. You are right just the comfort of them being in the room was wonderful. I feel there is no comfort now, no form of escape or place to go to feel good. Before when you had a bad, horrible day there was some solace, now the solace and comfort have been taken away. I don’t know what to say because I am having a very difficult time too. Same thoughts that you have. I do think that somewhere down the road we will get better, maybe our comfort will return in small doses. Truly it is like having 1/2 of yourself taken and the world we now live in is so unfamiliar. It is also the familiarity that is taken with this loss. Your husband would want you to have comfort and happiness, I know that mine would. You are here because you are meant to be here, we will get better.

  • Vivian

    February 20th, 2016 at 2:24 PM

    Dear Sharon, I lost my husband of 33 years and he was the love of my life. He WAS my life. You don’t mention how long ago you lost him. It’s going to be 8 months for me in a week. I hate to tell you this but this grief is something that for people like us whose husbands were our every breath is something that doesn’t go away so easy. I will tell you that doing all the right things, shower, clean, eat, and sleep gets us through the day. I know how you feel, because even as you are reading this you are saying to yourself, yes but that is not making this sadness go away. I think that the light in my heart my husband created is gone. I miss my husband every second and the silliest thing brings up memories that make me fall apart. I may not be helping but I can tell you that we can all help each other. I have connected with another person in this blog and we have been emailing and helping each other out. If you would like to reach out more personally, you can ask for my email and I will do my best.

  • Carolyn

    February 21st, 2016 at 8:44 PM

    Dear Vivian. It has been three months for me and I know exactly how you feel when you say the littlest thing can bring back a flood of memories. I find myself looking at couples out together and thinking how lucky they are. I so miss being part of a couple. I met him when I was only 21 years old and now I am a very young 78 still wanting to share my life. I see cancer treatment helping many people and I’m happy fir them but I feel cheated that my husband had less than a year and we spent most of it driving back and forth for treatment that didn’t work and I just can’t believe he’s never coming home to me.

  • Sharon

    March 1st, 2016 at 11:11 AM

    Dear Vivian,

    Thank you for your sincere comments. I tried to rep’y earlier, but the site did not allow me to reply until today. We were married 44 years and we had the best marriage ever. Alan treated me like a princess everyday. We did everything together. As I write this , I am watching a beautiful snowfall and I see the beauty in nature. I am hoping there will come a time when I do not cry so much and not having that total empty feeling. I never thought that a death would be so difficult. I talk to him and God everyday. We all have a service to do on earth and when our service has been completed, God calls us back to with Him for eternity. I am sure hoping that in the after life we see our loved ones. Since there is no marriage in heaven, I really wonder what it will be like. I definitely would like to e change emails and then once that goes through we could talk on the telephone. Let me know how to proceed. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  • Allen l

    March 15th, 2016 at 2:07 PM

    Really need help. Lost my husband of 30 years suddenly . I’m so lost depressed and sad . I don’t know what to do . I feel hopeless and feel like don’t want to live anymore .

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    March 15th, 2016 at 5:31 PM

    Dear Allen,

    Thank you for your comment. We are sorry to hear of your recent loss. The GoodTherapy.org Team is not qualified to offer professional advice, but we urge you to reach out.

    If you are in crisis and feel you may be in danger of harming yourself, please call 911, visit your local emergency room, or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TTY: 1-800-799-4TTY).

    You can also visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline here:
    http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

    If you would like to talk to someone about your loss, please know you can use our site to locate a therapist or counselor in your area. Grief can be extremely difficult to work through, and a qualified mental health professional may be able to offer you support in this time.

    Simply enter your ZIP code here to find help in your area:

    http://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

    Please know you are not alone. Help is available, and we wish you the best of luck in your search.

    Kind regards,

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Vivian

    February 22nd, 2016 at 1:24 PM

    Dear Carolyn, I feel exactly the same way about Cancer. I even have trouble watching all the medicine ads on TV. I feel cheated too. Why wasn’t he one of the lucky ones. He was being tested for giving him a transplant and within 8 days we were told he was terminal. I second guess myself all the time. Should I have noticed sooner, why didn’t his regular doctor see something…But all that just makes me crazy because nothing will bring him back. I still ask why all the time and it will be 8 months in one week. I miss him so much it hurts. That wonderful part of my life is gone and so I am doing my best to keep busy. It gets me through the day. The nights are the worst, but I guess I’m surviving. I know that I will go on but that light and joy he brought to my life has been put out.

  • Carolyn

    February 22nd, 2016 at 4:35 PM

    Dear Vivian. I too question if we could have done things differently with Jim’s treatment. He was seeing a pulmonary doctor for five years and another doctor discovered his lung cancer..stage IV. We were shocked. By this time it had spread to his pelvic area (bone). We did a trial in Florida for two months..kept stabile then went to Boston Dana Farber for immunotherapy Opdivo for four months that did nothing for him. It was so difficult and he fought so hard. To watch him take his last breath was so hard. I try not to relive it. Losing a husband is something you never get over..just something you are forced to live with. I wish you peace and I’m happy to talk anytime..we are in a place neither one of us wants to be in..my love is gone in body but always here in spirit.

  • Jane

    February 22nd, 2016 at 6:36 PM

    Carolyn and Vivian,
    I can relate to how you feel as I too wonder if I missed some symptoms from my husband, even though the doctor missed he was having heart attacks during his last 6 weeks that I also did not know were heart attacks. I kept taking him back to the doctor to complain about chest and back pain and shortness of breathe, but did not know that he was suffering heart attacks. It will be 4 months this Thursday since I lost him, and I miss him so much. I cannot believe sometimes still that he will not come back, and he is gone for ever. I only have photos and videos of him for the rest of my life…..I am here because I wake up each day and I am still breathing, but I feel my life was quashed when he breathed his last 4 months ago….I am 42, and we had a lovely marriage and great 14 years together. As we had not kids, I feel so empty and lonely and just constantly wonder how this came to be as I never even for one moment ever thought of a moment without him in my life. He had not been sick but for the last 6 weeks he complained on and off of chest pain and we saw the doctor multiple times including the day before he passed, and the doctor kept saying he had a bacteria. That has now been proven to have been incorrect, which now makes me feel we were both robbed of a life time together. I cannot get over it and blame myself for not seeking a second option from another doctor, or maybe not even being cognisant of heart attack symptoms. I struggle every day with loneliness and I miss him so much….I feel your pain and that of all the women and men on this forum who have lost the loves of their life. It is a terrible thing to experience.

  • Carolyn

    February 23rd, 2016 at 8:13 PM

    Dear Jane. You need to not blame yourself. You obviously took him to the doctor multiple times and if anyone should feel guilty it would be him. My husband went to a pulmonary dr for five years and he never found his cancer. If he had caught it early he might still be here with me. But we both need to move forward and not keep questioning what we could have done different as you can never go back. You are young and deserve a happy life so I wish one day in the distant future you will again find happiness..stay strong.

  • Jackie

    February 23rd, 2016 at 7:35 AM

    Hi Jane,
    Thank you for writing. It is so difficult – the hardest, saddest thing I have ever been through. My husband and I were both sick with something like the flu the week before he passed away. He had a heart condition and I was thinking he wasn’t feeling well due to the flu, as we both were sick. He was at the doctor a few days before and said he wasn’t feeling well. The night before he passed away we were both coughing etc. I asked him if he wanted to go to the hospital and he said no. I should have pushed, I feel so guilty. He had a heart attack the next day. We also have no children , I am 55 we were married for 32 years. Even though my Mark had a heart condition and over the years thought what it would be like to be alone – he had bypass surgery 15 years ago and we were so afraid. I never imagined how horrible it would be. Each day is a challenge for me. I am lonely and miss him so much, just the day to day things and after work conversations, weekends are especially horrible. I am feeling what you are. I have connected with someone else on this site and have been emailing and have had an actual conversation. Maybe that would help you. I am to the point where I know in my head that we have to make a life as one , when we were two people so joined. I just don’t know how to do this. I have never been an adult as one before. I met my Mark when I was 15. Such a sad time.

  • Eva

    February 23rd, 2016 at 6:20 PM

    Hi to all my husband passed away 1yr and 6 months ago. If loved alone could of saved him, he would of never died. I feel like my life got sucked out of me. I have 2 children so I have to keep going and be strong, but I cry every day! Please keep writing so that way I know I am not the only one who asks why. M

  • Carolyn

    February 23rd, 2016 at 8:04 PM

    Dear Eva. Obviously from the sound of things you are a young widow and I send my heartfelt sympathies as it is so difficult raising children on your own. My husband and I were married for 55 years and still never long enough. Every so often out of the blue my husband comes to mind and I realize again he’s gone forever..I almost can’t believe it ,,,it’s like a bad dream that I keep having over and over again. Though you may not feel it now I hope one day you will find a second love as life is to precious to live it alone..God bless.

  • Vivian

    February 24th, 2016 at 9:58 AM

    Dear Jane, I question myself all the time. After 34 years together, should I have noticed, did I dismiss any complaint he had. It can drive you crazy but in the end, the fact is they are gone. I think God decided it was time but I also ask him why? I was told once that God takes the really special ones. The problem is it leaves us with unbearable pain. I make an effort every day to do as expected because my husband asked me to and I would never dishonor him. I’m sure he never imagined what he was asking of me. I shower, I clean, I eat, I sleep, and I even take Yoga. It may sound simple but it is not. But I have to have faith and one day I expect him to be waiting for me to join him. Until that day when God decides it’s my time, I will live day by day.

  • Rebecca S. R.

    February 27th, 2016 at 1:09 AM

    reading this late at night, putting off going to bed without my beloved who left this realm 18 weeks and 4 days ago. you all speak my language. so sorry for us all. can’t get over it. in love with a dead man. 36 years together. my soul mate. yes, gratitude we found one another in the world. endless sorrow that he is gone, and clearly feeling that a trip to the hospital would have been enabled him to survive the heart attack that we mistook for indigestion. not clear on how to live with the sadness. wanting to hold him in my heart and in my arms. how to go on….we struggle together. thanks for this site. we cry together and…then what? he was my everything. husband. best friend. no kids, so he was my whole family………is the remainder of my life to be suffering, and if so…i want it not to go on too long though that sounds blasphemous. best to all who grieve…..

  • Ann

    February 27th, 2016 at 6:01 PM

    Rebecca, everything you have said, I too am experiencing. It has been nearly 13 weeks since my husband passed away. I am having problems getting to sleep, thinking about all that’s happened and thinking I should have done this or I should have done that. None of this makes any difference and that makes me even sadder. I cry every night and on and off during the day, can’t believe any of it. We were married for 39 years. All I can see is my poor husband unwell, in pain, in hospital and then in a coma and then that awful decision to remove supportive care. Three days after this, he passed away, it’s unjust, he was a good, kind, gentle man who never raised his voice. Now I feel empty, is this how it will be for the rest of my life? We must all find comfort in each other on this site, may we all find a little peace.

  • Vivian

    February 27th, 2016 at 11:48 AM

    This site has been very good for me. We all share the one pain so many don’t understand. A pain that we need to live with for the rest of our lives. Sometimes it is really difficult to accept that this is real. I don’t really believe that people I know could really believe they know how I feel. My husband and I had dreams and plans for the rest of our lives. I wanted to grow old with him, so what am I supposed to do now? People talk about finding a new normal but no matter what I do to cope or go on, that empty hole in my life will never be filled. He was my life, my comfort, my love, my home.

  • Jane

    February 27th, 2016 at 10:17 PM

    Rebecca S, I so relate to you…..it was 4 months on Friday since I lost my husband to a heart attack that we thought was a stomach problem too. How I wish we had gone to emergency at the hospital…..they would have checked him and found out it was a heart attack…..he would be here still I am told….which makes it hurt even more because I feel we were robbed of our dreams, plans and life together. I have come to wish that God grants me a short life here as it is so hard living with the emptiness and loneliness I feel……I pray to God to give me strength and to call me when he is ready as I am ready now….

  • Carolyn

    February 28th, 2016 at 5:14 PM

    Rebecca.please don’t feel you had a part in your husbands passing and whoever told you he would still be alive had he got to hospital was wrong to say that. Only God can determine when we die and many times even a hospital can’t save you. My sisters husband made it to the hospital and they couldn’t save him. Your husband would want you to continue your life. I too am grieving but I hope my life will continue for a long time and yes I cry plenty for my loss and miss him so very much, try to find a bit of happiness in each day. I wish you peace and love. Carolyn

  • Kathy

    February 28th, 2016 at 5:37 PM

    Jane and Rebecca I feel that way also. Today (Sunday) was very hard. I tried to keep busy all day but the day was beautiful the sky was blue and the sun was shining. I cried most of this day missing Steve so much. Life is so empty for me without him. I’m feel like I’m just existing until the Lord takes me home.

  • Ann

    February 28th, 2016 at 4:22 AM

    Vivian, your words are my words. I feel so wretched, empty inside, until this happens to you, others cannot understand. I feel like a shell with nothing left inside. I too wanted to grow old with my dear husband, to watch our grandchildren grow together. I have had health issues for the last three years, just getting back on my feet again when he became ill with cancer. Op went ok but three days later suffered cardiac arrest and never woke up. I am heartbroken, cannot imagine living without him. I understand everything you said. I feel like shutting myself away and hope this all goes away. Keep in touch on this site, it’s good to know we are altogether in this.

  • Jackie

    February 28th, 2016 at 8:21 AM

    Hi Rebecca,
    It has been six months and one week for me. We were married almost 33 years, missed our 34th anniversary by two weeks. My Mark also had a heart attack, he had a heart condition for many years. We were both sick the week before with a cold/flu and we thought it was the flu. I asked him if he wanted to go to the hospital the night before and he said no. Feel so guilty all the time that I didn’t force the issue. He died at Costco the next day – really horrible. We also had no children and I am an only child. He was also my entire family so I know how you are feeling. Yesterday was possibly the only sort of okay day I have had in the past 6 months and I had hoped it would carry over to today, but no such luck. I do have some hope – they would want us to be happy and somehow we have to find that. Believe me I know how difficult a task this is going to be, but we have to do it if not for ourselves but for them.

  • Carolyn

    February 28th, 2016 at 5:23 PM

    Jackie, that was so horrible for you to have your husband die at Costco. I can’t even imagine how that would be for both of you. We can never go back ..only forward so I hope you can do that. I am pretty good most of the day and seem to have a little cry in bed at night. I just can’t believe he is gone forever.

    Carolyn

  • Vivian

    February 28th, 2016 at 12:38 PM

    Dear Ann,
    As bad as we feel and believe me, whatever people may say, time is not necessarily a friend, just do menial things, clean, shower, read a book, etc. You will cry and I will not lie to you the sadness doesn’t leave you, at least, for me, it’s been 8 months today, the sadness is overwhelming. But Raul was such an amazing man, I want to honor him by doing my best. It is not easy and I miss him so much it hurts. Day by day. I’m here if you need me.

  • Ann

    March 1st, 2016 at 2:40 PM

    Thanks for your kind words Vivian. Today has been a very bad day, it doesn’t help that I have difficulty sleeping and this makes you feel fragile. I still can’t believe that my husband is no longer here. Some people say that time heals, I think maybe it really means that you learn to live with the loss somehow. I’m not sure how as it has only been three months today and all I see in my mind’s eye is him in pain, in hospital, in a coma and that final awful day. My heart is broken and I feel like I have nothing left inside me. I am so sorry for you and for us all, may we all find some comfort somehow. I keep beating myself up, I should have done this, I should have said that but hindsight is a wonderful thing and we can’t change what has happened. It is good to know that we understand how we all feel, nothing can prepare you for this. Keep in touch.

  • Vivian

    March 1st, 2016 at 6:22 PM

    Dear Ann, bad night for me too but, in truth, nights are really hard for me. It’s 8 months and I still can’t believe this happened. I miss him more every day. Time does not heal, it may make us numb to it, but without him my life is and will never be the same. I know people say you will have a different life, and I probably will but it will not be the life I wanted, the one we dreamed of together. I wanted to grow old, very old WITH him.

  • Ann

    March 2nd, 2016 at 3:06 PM

    Vivian, I agree the nights are bad. I don’t really want to go to bed and when I do, I can’t sleep so end up exhausted. I think I was numb at the beginning and in shock but now it does seem worse and I keep thinking that this will all go away and everything will return to normal. I know we can’t turn the clocks back and it is what it is but it really hurts doesn’t it? When we do sleep, it’s waking up again to start the cycle again. I also think that my life was with my husband, I have children and grandchildren, they do their best to care for me but I feel they have their own lives and they too are grieving. I am going to bereavement counselling next week, I’m hoping it will help to talk to someone who is not emotionally involved. Keep in touch, try to take care of yourself, be kind to yourself.

  • Carolyn

    March 2nd, 2016 at 8:13 PM

    Dear Vivian and Ann Today was a hard day for me, I felt like I lost Jim all over again. I had to clean out his car and bring it back to the dealer. So hard picking up all his personal items he had tucked away. It was miserable. I did grow old with him but believe me it doesn’t feel any better. At least if you’re on the younger side it’s possible to meet someone you can have a life with, not the life you had but at least a friend to share life with. I find it so hard to not be part of a couple but I know I would never want to marry again. Let’s face it this is a miserable thing to go through but we have to go on living..goodnight..hope you sleep

  • Jackie

    March 3rd, 2016 at 10:28 AM

    Hi Carolyn,
    I am sorry you had to do that. The car is very difficult, we were looking for a new car just before the horrible day. I haven’t been able to take everything out yet and it has been six months. His gym bag is in there, it is like time has stood still for me, these past 6 months. It is a miserable thing to go through and you are right we have to learn to go on somehow. I am thinking that we will adjust eventually, although getting to that stage is very difficult. Wishing everyone well for the moments and hours ahead.

  • Vivian

    March 3rd, 2016 at 11:38 AM

    Dear Ann, for me there would never be anyone else. When you find such a perfect love, it will always be with me. We married forever, so age in my case doesn’t matter. However, you are right I keep hoping we would have had more time but, in truth, I’m sure it wouldn’t be easier. All I feel right now is an empty hole in my life. I’m sorry to be so negative, I’m really having trouble letting go.

  • Ann

    March 3rd, 2016 at 2:07 PM

    Vivian, I do know how you feel. Our husbands were our best friends, our soul mates, this is not how it was supposed to be. I too feel worse now than at the beginning, I too cannot let go, you are not being negative. When you love someone so much that it hurts, you cannot let go. It is difficult to come to terms with the fact that they are no longer with us. It is the most difficult thing to express and the most difficult to deal with emotionally. I hope some of my words can reach out to you, take comfort that I feel your pain. Take care and keep in touch.

  • Vivian

    March 3rd, 2016 at 4:10 PM

    Dear Ann,

    Your words do help. Thank you!

  • Anne

    March 4th, 2016 at 7:49 PM

    I lost my husband very suddenly a week ago tomorrow and the funeral was today. I am in so much pain. I had no idea this much pain was even possible. My husband was everything to me. He was my partner, my teammate, my best friend and my confidant. He made me laugh all the time. We ran a business together and I never felt that kind of cozy family feeling with anybody else ever in the world. I have lost my world. I don’t think I will ever feel joy again. Food has no more flavor and the world has lost it’s appeal. Before I met him, I prided myself on how much I liked living alone and being alone. He broke that shell and now I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to live without him. Every time I close my eyes, I see our time at the hospital where they were talking about his release. I see how uncomfortable he was and I think about how I didn’t get to say goodbye because he died in the morning before I could get there. I will never feel love like that again and it is such a great loss, I can’t breathe sometimes. I would also love to talk to somebody else going through the rawness of recently losing their spouse. Please be in touch in some way.

  • Ann

    March 5th, 2016 at 3:12 PM

    Anne, so sorry to hear your news. You are not alone, everyone using this site feels the same as you. I lost my husband In December last year, it has now been three months and I don’t feel any better. I don’t think we can get over this, I think we have to find ways of living with it. The pain is still raw and yes it hurts, I too feel empty inside, my husband was my best friend and soulmate, we had been together for 39 years. Howl, scream, weep and don’t be afraid of these emotions. I too only have pictures in my head of my husband in hospital and when I had to let him go. Talk to family, talk to friends, talk to a counsellor, talk on this site. We are here to support and comfort you, keep in touch.

  • pat

    June 4th, 2016 at 4:38 AM

    My beloved husband passed away in my arms 25/5/16. We had been together 41 years. He had been ill but had got home from hospital 19 days before he had a sudden pulmonary embolism. The doctor had been out just 2 hours before and said he had a urine infection. I feel so angry and cheated not to have more time with him. As he was dying he said to me ‘I’m going, I’m going, I’m sorry’ and then he was gone. I wish I could have gone with him. Just walk around like a zombie. Don’t want to hear another person mention grieving process, looking after myself etc….Just sitting here crying. My daughter is having a baby shower today but I feel so guilty as I couldn’t possibly attend. Just want him back. Feel so so sad , empty and lost. No point in anything.

  • Jackie

    March 5th, 2016 at 12:27 PM

    Hi Anne,
    I am so sorry for your loss. It has been longer for me ( 6 months) since lost my husband, very suddenly. At first I just didn’t know what to do with myself. I wasn’t really comfortable anywhere. I know what you mean about the comfortable cozy feeling. I didn’t realize I had that until I didn’t have it any longer. It is such a great loss, you can’t even imagine what it is like until they are no longer here. I also felt like I couldn’t breathe. I can’t say I am better yet, but I am trying to figure things out. Weekends are difficult , evenings are difficult as well. I imagine it will get better over time, I hope so, we would want that for them. I now have a few moments of being okay now and then. I feel better being in my house now, at first it was awful but now it is a bit of a refuge from the day. All of us on this site understand how you are feeling and how awful it truly is. I think we learn how to live without them, I am not sure yet, I still feel very unsteady and lost but I do think we learn, we have no choice.
    I am thinking about you and wishing you a bit of an easier day, hour and minute.

  • Shirley O.

    March 5th, 2016 at 3:02 PM

    My husband of 40yrs died suddenly in front of me 23 months ago I am really struggling at this moment it feels as if I have gone right back to when it happened, so raw, hurts so much people expect you to move on how can I he was my soul mate my best friend we were together since I was 15yrs old? I miss him desperately I feel so alone although I have two wonderful daughters and precious grand children keeps me busy but when I come in through the front door my tears flow,the agony of he’s not there kills me ,my heart is broken I still cannot believe I shall not see or hear him again-Life’s a bitch!!! We had planned to do so much was going to be our time and we were so looking forward to do the things we said we’d do once the girls and their families were comfortably settled and being the brill Dad, Granddad he was he’d made sure they were as he had worked hard all his life he was our world he held our family together he was adored and loved so much why now we are all hurting so much l grief has no time limit only those who have walked our walk know this!! He died no warning one minute talking to me the next gone I still cannot come to terms with what happened-our to do list no more!!! My to do list these days is take one day at a time and when grief takes hold so tight take one breath at a time,then one minute, one hour and I know now shall never get over losing my wonderful husband my best friend, my soulmate but learn to walk beside grief and live with it and once I can do this I can look back and remember the happy memories of our life together and smile again-I can only hope this happens soon…..

  • Rebecca S. R.

    March 5th, 2016 at 8:00 PM

    hi widows and others i see i posted a few weeks ago. i read what comes in to my gee mail but i haven’t been here for a while. i was trying to work but i can’t so i came over here. i appreciate you all sharing…..it seems we are all in the same boat and it is sinking. how to live with the pain and….i have no interest in a new normal. i want time to go backwards. all i want is to be with steve. 36 years together. now 136 days apart. it is too hard. i have no family. i love our 4 cats. i worry what will happen to them if i die….and i feel horrible for wanting to die, when i have health…but i have a broken heart. later this month i will go to the place that carves stones and get one to go over our adjacent graves….so i am getting ready to be by his side….but i have so much work on earth to do. to get his papers in order. i will be 65 in a month. he died a month and 5 days before his 68th. i love him SO MUCH. i am not functioning well. how can we? i do not think i should have any more years on this earth than he had. we share(d)) everything. i struggle to imagine making it that long. i am surprised not to read of broken hearted widows committing suicide, but i do not see that in the paper. but i do not feel alive. how are we to manage? the people who say “let go of him” and “move on” really do not understand. but you do…..thanks for sharing. this pain is not what my husband wanted for me…this heart ache…any more than what i wanted for him was for his heart to stop. i’ve found minimal help from grief counsellors. i feel like i have a switch stuck on SAD and i do not like to be around ppl because i feel like i am ms. bummer . YOU know. what do we do…suffer and suffer or….what? there is no cure for this. to cry for 5 years? why live? you understand. any clues on how to live with this loss …..thanks. not doing well. you all help. thanks to this site and you contributors

  • Rebecca S. R.

    March 5th, 2016 at 9:36 PM

    also: how many of us are so sad we want to give up and be buried in the ground beside our soul mates sooner than later? i am waiting to die of a broken heart, some of the time, many days. many of us feel this…especially if our lives were very intwined and we were in love and together for many years and want no new normal but the good old love..you know? really…. thanks

  • Vivian

    March 6th, 2016 at 6:29 AM

    Dear All, I just found this writing someone sent and it talks about something that might help. It has been 8 months for me. I wish I could say I’m getting better, but what people don’t get is this, ‘getting better at what?’ Yes, I find myself learning to live my life without him but I don’t want to. It tears a hole through me whenever the loneliness of living without him overwhelmes me. I don’t want it to “not matter”. I don’t want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that we had. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it.

    As for grief, I find it comes in waves.

    I found this writing that explains it well.
    In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

    Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O’Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out.

  • Ann

    March 8th, 2016 at 3:27 PM

    Thank you for that Vivian, it is helpful. I don’t know what the matter is with me at the moment, I haven’t so bed my heart out for two days and feel bad because I haven’t. I have felt that the pain and weeping keeps me connected to my husband but now without the weeping I’m frightened I’m letting go. It almost feels like he’s been gone for much longer than three months. I feel at the moment that he’s somewhere else and will be returning home soon. This may sound weird but can anyone else relate to this? It breaks my heart that I’m not crying, I feel, well I don’t know what I feel, just very strange at the moment.

  • berna

    April 6th, 2016 at 7:00 AM

    Vivian,

    You’re right.. the pain can be like the waves..just that in my case after nearly 4months now.. they are still 100 feet tall and are crashing me hard still.. i keep praying i would be next to him pretty soon, i really can’t fathom why do i have to be left here all alone, why me, a weakling,a coward. My husband would provide all that i need, would have a solution to my every problem, the only constant in my life..but he’s gone now. I feel so hopeless and alone.

  • Francisca

    March 7th, 2016 at 12:12 AM

    Lost my husband of 11 years 3 weeks ago from stage 4 colon cancer. We fought together for 4,5 years of chemo, many surgeries and radiation. Last year in October, he had to do emergency surgery and doctors told us that he might not able to make it. I was so scared that I might lost him but he came out just like many previous surgeries. He was a fighter. He kept going on because of him, he said that to all of our friends and families. The journey to recovery went on for almost 5 months at the hospitals. Every single day I spent time to be with him and take care of him. Never miss a day. I brought him home at the end of January because we wanted to recover at home and get some strength so we could enjoy whatever time we had left somewhere outside the states. Just a week after his home, unexpectedly … he … held on ever so strong to stay alive for me … had to give in and he was just gone in my arms. It was like a horror movie, paramedics, fire departments, polices at the house trying to save him. I called his name over and over again. Telling him how sorry I am I couldn’t make him better, couldn’t save him. All the guilt flooding into my body. He was my everything, we did everything together. We have no children. We are one. He adored me, he cared for me so so so much and I will always thinking and hoping that he knew that I am too, adore him, cared for him so much that no matter how hard this journey I’d stay to care for him. How to go on knowing someone who you chose to be together at the beginning is no longer there. I still keep his mobile number and texting him and me replying from his phone to me. I keep his ashes next to me at night. What’s the point of living is he’s not here anymore. I feel lost … he was the one I trust. I give my life for him. I told in front of friends and families at the memorial service, if my life just to care for him, I would do it over and over again. I love him and I miss him so dearly. Every morning, I am thinking that I am going to see him at the hospital. At night, I am waiting for him to get back from work. It just not right. The sad cloud is engulfing me and I am wrap myself with it like a blanket. It is me and him in sadness and sorrow that none of us want to go

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    March 7th, 2016 at 8:44 AM

    Hi Francisca,

    Thank you for sharing what you’re experiencing in the blog comments. We just wanted to reach out with some instructions for finding a therapist on our website, as many are trained to help people process and cope with grief, loss, and bereavement. If you decide you would like to reach out to a professional, please feel free to return to our homepage, http://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area.

    Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

    Wishing you and all those grieving the best,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • ShirleyO

    March 7th, 2016 at 3:00 AM

    Hi -yes its a pain unbearable at times but what else can we do but carry on-where I live there is no group to meet up with others going on the same journey through intense grief when I had to turn to Cruse for help I was desperate!!My heart bleeds for widows who have no family and to have to endure this intense pain we grieve alone as I know I would not be here only for my daughters and grandkids they give me reason to carry on I see the hurt in their eyes loosing their Dad,Grandad and could not put them through the pain of loosing me therefore life goes on and our suffering too for me time moving on has not healed and how I feel right now the pain I suffer once I’m home alone I cry,I hate the loneliness the missing him every second of every day- we were together for 40years and did everything as one even ran a business which I coul not carry on without him and had to close and the decisions that face us widows in every day life becomes harder and a burden-I have no energy anymore,I feel so drained and tired I have not sleept a single night through since 5am that morning when it happened,if I fall asleep I wake up the exact time 5am and re-live the moment my hubby left me -so hard to carry on I became a widow at 58 my hubby was only 60 we lived our life young at heart he was my world he always had a smile on his face the family adored him such a happy go lucky presence about him and I miss him sooooooooooooooooooooooo much I feel dead inside!
    I wish I could meet up with others going through this heartbreak or even talk on the phone with one who understands-for now I am so thankfull I found this website-I feel for everyone of you because I understand this pain and wish you all the best that we can only be without our other half.X♡X

  • Kathy

    March 7th, 2016 at 8:29 AM

    Shirley I too had 40 years with my husband. He was 61 when he died. There is a hole I cannot fill. I have two adult children and 5 grandchildren. I can make sure you get my email address and then we can exchange numbers. It’s nice to talk to someone who is going through the same thing you are.
    Warm regards,
    Kathy

  • Eleanor

    March 7th, 2016 at 4:43 PM

    Hi just read your post and I would like to pass on my heart felt sympathy. I lost my husband the love of my life in October 15 we had been married for 40 years when he got cancer five months later he died. He was only 60 and my life is so unbearably lonely without him it’s very hard to imagine doing things without him I feel lost and lonely just living in limbo. I also am lucky to have three children and three grandchildren they are my rocks and my reason for living. Five weeks ago I lost my beautiful Mum and I don’t feel able to grieve for her as I am already broken hearted I just feel numb. I hope you can find the strength to get through this with the love and support from your family hopefully through time this pain will become more bearable for us all. God bless x

  • Carole

    March 7th, 2016 at 4:05 PM

    Sending love to all my fellow widows/widowers here. I posted some weeks ago and am just checking in. I read everyone’s stories and feel your pain. Lost my husband 5 months ago. The underlying stress has made my blood pressure go up but doctor has not put me on meds for it as she says its just stress. I also got a scare and found a few blood spots in my underwear ( I’m 7 years past menopause) and was a bit frightened because that is the first system my only sister who died in 2014 had from her very aggressive uterine cancer that killed her in 14 months. I went right in the next day to my gyno and she did a uterine biopsy ( agony) and pap…both came back negative so she also said it could be caused from stress. Even though I do not feel really stressed I guess my body is and knows it. At this point I am just trying to accomplish one productive thing each day. My crying every day has stopped. I still cry but I have made it through a few days at a time without crying. My life still feels so empty. 42 years with someone (since I was 16) and then he is gone. I just want to be with him again. I have so many dreams lately, due no doubt to emotional turmoil, I just cannot imagine living the rest of my life without him. No one will ever know me like he did or understand me like he did. I just continue to feel like half of me is gone. And it is, when we married God said He made us one flesh. And I will always feel I am married to him and him alone.

  • ShirleyO

    March 8th, 2016 at 3:41 AM

    Hi thanks Kathy-yes it is good to share and talk and know we are not alone!You cannot expect someone who hasn’t been through loosing a close loved one understand unless they have been through it themselves so when they say such things as “You’re young enough you may find someone else its time to move on come on pull yourself together he wouldn’t have liked you being this sad,move house too many memories,a new start.you lucky to have had great life together etc……my reply I wanted more…….they have no idea how could they if they did they’d never say such things!!
    I am trying so hard I want to remember our life together the happy memories not the day he died…………..Only for my family I wouldn’t be here-I even thought I’d die of a broken heart……..the pain of missing him so intense!
    Friends say I am doing well and I should be kinder to myself and recognise I am still a loving Mother and Naini (welsh word for Grandma)and I am allowed to smile and be happy be the Shirl I was -I look in the mirror I do not see her she died with my Ieu-the new Shirl is learning slowly to live one day at a time-all I can do-just like everyone on this website this world is alien to us and ther are no sign posts or maps we can only try our best to go forward at our own pace- some days so hard even to put one step in front of the other and yes we may go backwards but slowly I now know there are better days today is one of them but who knows what tmrw brings -we can only try……….this web site I found a few days ago helps me and just knowing I am not alone on my journey-here we we have each other-thank you!

  • Francisca

    March 8th, 2016 at 10:04 AM

    ShirleyO, I feel so bad when friends and families saying those thing you mentioned above, move on, lucky, he wanted you to move on, happy etc … Feel bad because I wanted to say, you don’t know how I feel right now. I wish for anyone doesn’t have to go through what I’m going through because I feel life is stop. It’s undescriable feeling. So sad, painful, hurt that I don’t wish anyone to go through. Mine stop on that night

  • Vivian

    March 8th, 2016 at 11:08 AM

    Dear ShirleyO, you are not alone. No one understands except those of us who are going through it. I was given great advice though, don’t let anyone tell you how you grieve or for how long, your grief is your own. It has been 8 months for me and I have stopped worrying about what people think. I will start crying in the middle of the supermarket and I, well, it’s how I feel. This site has helped. We are here.

  • Audrey

    March 8th, 2016 at 7:41 PM

    I lost my Dear Husband5 months ago on Oct 5,2015.It was on our 36 Anniversary. He had been telling me for 2 months he didn’t think he was going to make it. I keep telling him he was being silly. He had been Sick with dementia for 3 years and he was getting worse day by day he’s been in rehab and spent one week and they sitting home. Then on Monday of September 26th the home nurse sitting back to the emergency room the doctor sent him back to rehab on that day. He was doing fine on the 28th of September I went into rehab because I’d had a total knee replacement done and I thought that I would be good for him and me both be together. The ER doctor had said that he had Parkinson’s they didn’t know test to prove this or anything but at 8:30 on the 28th at night they gave him a new pill for Parkinson’s. By 9 o’clock and was tearing up things so they sending back to the hospital well on October 5th 2015 5 minutes till 12 he passed away I had to take the ventilator off in believe me that was the hardest thing I believe I’ll ever have to do in my life I feel like that he’s upset with me because I did this and I haven’t been able to grieve because when I do start to cry or get upset people tells me I’m not a pity party in my heart and soul so it’s true but nobody can tell you how to grieve. If they have not been in your shoes I’ve been through what you’ve been through they don’t know. He was my second marriage but I have been with him since I was 25 years old and there will never be another one like him for me and I’ve truly believe I will never even try to I know I won’t never try to find one like him or 1. Thank you for listening and may God bless you and have peace.

  • Jackie

    March 8th, 2016 at 11:42 AM

    Hi Francisca,
    I can relate to what you are saying. I also don’t have children and on top of all of that, I am an only child. I am 55 and still work, there are moments when I am okay, well not really but I guess I just can’t believe I am alone in the world now. I go home and there is no one there expect my cat, thankfully I have her. I don’t even want to clean my house, because I think why do it just for me. We also did everything together. My life stopped as well 6.5 months ago. I do see that we have to go one, we need to try. I have connected personally with someone else on this site and it is helpful. The pain is terrible and nobody else that hasn’t been through it quite understands how horribly sad and lonely it is. Sometimes I have a few good moments at night and then in the morning it just hits all over again. Truly the absolute worse situation. Lets try to be better, we have to do it for them . We would want them to be okay if we were the ones to have gone first. I just keep thinking that.

  • Francisca

    March 8th, 2016 at 12:08 PM

    Jackie, your last sentence, “We would want them to be ok if we were the ones to have gone first.” It speaks to me more than they want us to be ok. It us who really feel the sadness … I don’t know nor feel how my husband feels at this moment but I do know that I care for him so much that he shouldn’t feel any misery or pain (referring back when we fought the cancer)

  • Vivian

    March 8th, 2016 at 4:45 PM

    Dear Ann, I can relate. I have been feeling differently lately and when I spend time without crying or “busy” I tend to think it distances me from him. I hate that. Our love was so amazing that I sometimes feel like I am moving away from him whenever I am coping even for a few hours. He will always be my love, my memory of what true love really is.
    It’s a very confusing time. I don’t know what is happening and every day brings something new. I don’t know why God wanted me to live without him and I still question even though we are not supposed to but I still wonder. All I know is that when difficult times come around, it will be up to me alone to handle and I don’t feel that strong without him.

  • Shirley

    March 9th, 2016 at 4:31 AM

    Hi I would like to share a message my friend sent me this morning-
    “And once the storm is over you won’t remember how you made it through,how you managed to survive.You won’t even be sure,in fact whether the storm is really over.But one thing is certain,when you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person who walked in”
    So true!!♡X

  • Jackie

    March 9th, 2016 at 6:21 AM

    Hi,
    Everyone is saying what I am thinking and feeling. I don’t want to move away, if I don’t have it in my mind I feel like I am moving away and I don’t want to let him go in my mind. He was part of my life for 33 years and just letting him drift off like a helium balloon, the higher it goes up in the air you see it less and less. I don’t want him to feel like I am letting him drift away from me. It isn’t as though I would replace that space with anything or anyone else either, it is just a continued emptiness and feeling of sadness. So hard to explain, I am sure we each have our own journey within a journey with our own losses. It is so , so difficult. We just get through one day, and one minute at a time.

  • Vivian

    March 9th, 2016 at 9:51 AM

    Dear Audrey, I mentioned this before but I will repeat it because it was the best advice I ever got. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about your grief. NO ONE understands this overwhelming pain, unless they have gone through it. I lost my husband of 33 years 8 months ago and I seriously cannot imagine ‘getting over’ this loss. He was my love, the epitome of a perfect love, I will not have or ever want another. I questioned myself a lot about the decisions I made in those last days and I still wonder if I did things right but when we have loves like this, I believe that we did what we believe was right and that all our actions came from the love we had (or have) for them. Don’t second guess yourself and grieve as long and any way you need to. If people don’t understand, so what. My brother who lost a son 10 years ago told me, “you don’t HAVE to do anything, It’s time for you to think of yourself and deal with your pain your way”
    Hope this helps

  • Lindsey

    March 9th, 2016 at 12:37 PM

    Your grief is immeasurable. It seems Impossible for others to understand. It seems impossible to deal with. “Getting Over it” will never happen, but you WILL get through it! The bad days will become less frequent. You will be able to reflect on happy memories and enjoy them, instead of overwhelming sadness. There is no timetable of when this all will happen, but I promise you it will. Here is what has helped me: When Evan passed, I didn’t know what to do. One of his friends wrote me a letter about how they met and her memories with him and what he meant to her. I wrote a response back and never mailed it. A couple months later i found the notes. I can’t explain what I felt reading those words months later. But I sat and wrote all the memories I could think of. The good, the bad, what I was feeling and my thoughts, and what was going on with my life, how I couldn’t get out of bed, how I felt no ons there for me. How I felt I should “get over it”… then I put them in a box. I keep writing, even 8 years later. My memories, my thoughts, my feelings and I do it in the moment. Even if I am out to lunch and a thought crosses my mind, i scribble it on a napkin. I date everything and I put it in the box. I call it my bad day box. Because when one of those bad days come, I go to the box. I read memories, that were faded. I read about how I never thought I’d be able to go on. I read about the friends who were there for me, even though at the time I didn’t realize it. I cry, I laugh, I have reached a place where even though my heart still breaks, I can enjoy and appreciate the time we had together. Now, when someone’s loved one passes, I create a ‘bad day box’ for them. I write my memories of that person. I’ve had a lot of people thank me, years later for doing this for them. Another thing that I do, is that I start to be aware of what is *really* going on around me. When I do that, I notice what I call “The little Okays” or Checkins. An example is last night, Evan would order a Cuba Libre instead of ordering what it was – a rum and coke with a lime. Waiters/bartenders rarely knew what a Cuba Libre was and I’d roll my eyes when he ordered it. “Just order a rum and coke with a lime!” I’d say every time. I was at a dinner with prospective clients that I was really trying to ‘woo’ over last night. I was really nervous, scared I might blow it. A moment where I needed Evan. One of the guys ordered a rum and coke. The waiter asked if he would like to make it a Cuba Libre. The guy said “Whats that? Some fancy rum?” The waiter said “Rum and coke with a lime.” I smiled and took it as Evan just “Checking in” letting me know that he’s there. That I got this. After that my tensions eased and I signed the clients. I wrote about the “Check in” and stuck it in my box. I hope some of that helps and my heart is with you all.

  • Jane

    March 9th, 2016 at 3:39 PM

    Hi Jackie and everyone feeling like this……I am stressing about my husband thinking I am drifting away from him because I am now starting to do other things like watch tv, go visit friends etc and I am struggling to look at his photos as they bring me so much sadness and I struggle to stop crying when I look at them. I love him so much and cannot love anyone else like I loved him. I will never remarry, he will always be my soul mate, but because I am crying less now and starting to do a few things, I am worried if he thinks I am drifting away and it stresses me a lot….
    He wanted his ashes scattered and I have not done so in 4 months now…..I feel guilty to still try to hold on. Has anyone scattered ashes months or years later and how did you feel after doing that?

  • Kathy

    March 10th, 2016 at 3:05 AM

    Hi Jane, Steve and I talked about ashes. I have his tucked away in a nice place out of view because the urn was a constant reminder of death and I needed to see reminders of our good life together, pictures etc. when it is my time for the Lord to take me home my children are to mix our ashes together and then place them at the cemetery we chose. I hope you find what’s best for you.

  • Jackie

    March 10th, 2016 at 6:21 AM

    Hi Jane and everyone,
    I am hoping that everyone reading this feels included in the conversation. I know exactly what you mean Jane, I also think the same, is he thinking I am drifting away, does he think his life was meaningless or that I didn’t love him. I just had to write this, even though it isn’t a “general comment”, but I am sure all of you can relate to this in your own situations. Today I am at work, I also have a work meeting this evening. Normally when I had meetings I would meet my Mark somewhere for dinner after work and before the meeting because I didn’t want to go home and drive back, we would meet halfway between my work and home. I now have 3 hours to myself and no one to be with really. I just keep thinking we would have gone here or there, the day would have been nice, instead it is an endless sad day that only reminds me how much I miss him. We all have situations similar to this I am sure, just things we took for granted that are now not there. It is the small things like this that make up your life.

  • Shirley

    March 10th, 2016 at 3:51 PM

    Hi Kathy-Not sure how I go about getting your e-mail details as you suggested please advice-thanks!
    Thanks Vivian for your kind words-yes I also have cried in public places when such raw emotion engulfs your body you canno hide and its good to cry……alsoI don’t feel the need to appologise anymore afterall I am trying my best to carry on in this strange unknown world where everything has becom a first-first time sleep alone in our bed,first time when got to  make sure all doors etc locked,first time I sort the bills,first time deal with Ins important paperwork,first time in the car without my hubby,first time to go shooping alone,first time ………..first time …….first time…..everything has become a first time-we always did everything together and why I can only take one day at a time-this is me now and who I have become but on bad days all the firsts that I have done change back to being wasthe last time I was in the car with him,the last time we went shopping together,the last time we did this………….,the last time we did that…….etc,etc.-I am sure you all feel the same and its no wonder we have no control of our tears they just come whenever wherever we are!!
    So many strange happenings have occure-while I was really having a black day I couldn’t stop crying all of a sudden I smelt my hubby’s aftershave so strong so real was such a comfort I belived he was there with me though deep down I could not explain what had happened and this has happened again a few times since -even one of the grandkids she’s only 4yrs old when visiting said I can smell Taid(welsh name for grandad)where is he………..also when I am often out in our garden one we planned and planted together from scratch a Robin will appear on the fence and sing and stays around for longer on those sad black days I have……..such a comfort to me and I wonder and want to belive ………..also when I got back in the car after visiting his grave and I turn the radio on was playing our favourite song……..I’m comforted and want to belive…..also the other night I swear I could hear his key in the lock and he’d appear any minute-the mind so powerfull at times that you can only belive can be help sent to get me and you through this nightmare were in because I’m sure some of you will have had similar happenings while going through the heartbreaking journey were on and so so difficult now were here alone.
    Do any of you feel there’s a madness in our grief-the anger,the talking aloud,the hate when seeing other couples,other grandads,other daughter’s with their Dad,the wanting to run out of the door and keep on running…,the swearing which I never did,the sudden change in my personality its no wonder some days I look in the mirror and don’t recognize who I am anymore I hate being a Widow,I am NOT single-I am still Ieu’s wife now and will always be -Yes belive me there is madness in grief cos I’m living it……………….
    I have read so many books about our grief and looked at other websites but so glad I found this one-Thank you all !!♡XX

  • Kathy

    March 10th, 2016 at 5:20 PM

    Shirley I have contacted the people good therapy and requested to have my email address given to you . Keep putting one foot in front of the other we will get through this together!
    Kathy W

  • Vivian

    March 10th, 2016 at 4:25 PM

    Dear Jane, I have Raul’s ashes at our home. It’s what we decided. It may not be for everyone but for me it is reassuring. We agreed that his ashes would stay with me until I go and then we will be together. It is up to the kids where, as long as we are together.

  • Rebecca S. R.

    March 12th, 2016 at 12:09 AM

    kind people, do you ever look for a culture that gives you or me or us permission to give up? give up. i do not want to be sad forever and have no faith in the sadness stopping. do we have permission….do we need permission….to let the pain stop? i mean stop. to go to be with our beloveds. in the ground (mine is)—-sometimes i want to work and do what i can and then just…..allow myself to die of grief or of a broken heart. as if i could plan anything. as if we have the power. i just miss and love him so. 20 weeks, 3 days without after 36 years with. i feel no future. i only want the past. and sometimes the sadness cannot be switched off. you know. . so…????? thanks & good wishes amidst sorrow and pain…..and love love love…it’s all because we were lucky enough to find the right person to love and be loved by…..and then to grieve….so soon, grief? love lives but…the pain is so difficult…you know. YOU know….. the days we feel so lost…where is my mate? a waking nightmare=he is gone……:.(………… (thanks you readers)

  • Vivian

    March 12th, 2016 at 12:36 PM

    Dear Rebecca S R,
    I completely understand and, believe me there are very few times when I just don’t want to stay in bed and wait for my time to come. And even though I believe in God and His goodness, I have trouble understanding why He left me here and separated us when I am certain He gave us the amazing love Raul and I shared for 34 years. There are so many things I don’t understand and the pain is sometimes truly overwhelming. Every day is a new challenge and there are steps I take to get through it. Mostly mechanical actions that simply make time go by. I shower, I dress, make my bed, clean my house, read a book (actually I can’t concentrate but audiobooks in the car keep me from crying on my trip to anywhere), go to the supermarket (even if I cry) and so forth. I can tell you it makes the time go by and it makes me feel that he wanted me to do just that and honoring my husband’s wishes is really important. I’ll be honest, the joy in my life is gone and after 8 months, I don’t think my life will ever be the same but it makes me feel that if I have faith, I will be reunited with him whenever God decides. I wish I could say more comforting words but I can say that I am here and also a lot of others in this site, who really feel your pain

  • Rebecca

    March 12th, 2016 at 7:40 PM

    How I empathise with all that I have read here, know how it feels to be so deeply gut wrenchingly empty and can relate to Shirley and the after shave smell, tunes on radio at specific times, the anger and guilt I feel too when I see couples happy together while I feel so dark and empty inside. The finality of seeing yourself described on documents as a “widow”, wanting to scream “No”, I’m not”. Yes, I agree there is madness in our grief, you, wonder if you’ll ever really be yourself again when you’ve forgotten who you were anyway.
    Lindsay, how right you are with the little check ins and OK’s, the mind is powerful, but like you I believe these messages arrive unexpectedly and at a time when you really need them, at a time when you would never think of them. Yesterday after breaking down and sobbing over a tin of sardines in the aisle of the supermarket ( my husband loved them, he passed away 6 months ago), I came home made a cuppa and sat down, still sobbing, so upset, exhausted. As I sat there I realised that the atmosphere had suddenly changed and the room was full of comforting warmth and I felt as though my husband was there with me. It was like old times, hard to describe it as it was a feeling of overwhelming love and being loved and I felt happy and content for the first time since he died. I too have smelled him suddenly outside of the home when I have been alone and could see no point going on. Heard the songs we loved on the bus, in stores and on the radio when I was feeling desperate and that life was not worthwhile. I do feel that these things are being sent to try to comfort us when we desperately need them, have never been spiritual at all, but feel that it cannot all be our minds playing tricks on us.
    Sending everyone all the strength they need to continue living, despite everything. I hope that comfort comes to all you in whatever form will help you the most – with love from Rebecca xxx

  • Rich S.

    March 13th, 2016 at 5:49 PM

    It’s almost 9 pm and I was just outside in my PJs looking for my wife’s calico cat, “Poodles” I did a walk around the sheep pasture where our 3 sheep, Flopsy, Mopsy and Cottontail silently watch this new nightly ritual of mine. I shine the flashlight through the woods hoping to see the reflection of the cats bright yellow eyes. I spend a half hour looking around the property and barn. I’m concerned that maybe something caught her but then as I get back to the house I see “Poodles” patiently waiting for me by the kitchen door.

    My wife, Janet died of Pancreatic cancer on 02/03/16 and that darn cat, which I did not want 11 years ago is now a very important link to Janet. On December 20th Janet decided to go to the local ER because of what we thought was acid reflux which had been bothering her for the previous week. The next day the hospital informed us that there was a mass on her pancreas. I immediately made arrangements with Sloan in NYC. At first the doctor viewing the CAT scan felt the cancer was limited to the pancreas. After a second CAT scan 2 weeks later they informed us the cancer was in the liver and was extremely aggressive, there was nothing they could do. We went home to the steady stream of visits from family and friends. Five days after the last diagnosis Janet passed with me by her side.

    Janet and I met on my first day of work in September 1978. I have to admit that being a typical 24 year old mail what I really first noticed an 18 year old slim blond wearing a black corduroy jump suit with red trim. In the beginning we hung around together in a social after work group. I did not ask her out since I thought the age difference of 6 years was too much. Then one day she was 20 and I 26, seemed she was catching up to my age so we left the “group” and went out on our official first date.

    Janet was very health conscious, maintained a weight of 125lbs, exercised daily, vegetarian for 20 years. We would travel to the health store in Ottsville every Sunday to pick up groceries and have lunch. We were living the life and our dream together on our small farm at the end of the lane. Janet still worked where we first met while I took a new job which allowed the flexibility of working from anywhere. I choose to get a small office within a block of Janet’s workplace. We drove in together, had lunch and discussed our day on the ride home, it never got old. As it will be inscribed on our headstone, she loved me and I loved her.

    While we prayed for her recovery I also added a silent prayer that if it was not to be that she would not suffer. Only that silent prayer was answered. Within moments of being given the initial diagnosis Janet said she accepted any outcome as it was Gods will. Never once in those 43 days did she cry, get angry or ask why me? Her grace was inspiring to everyone around her. We did have time to talk and reflect on our 35 years together. I can honestly say we had no regrets or bad days. During her final days Janet had ask that I honor several of her requests.

    1. “Quit that stupid job”……..I did

    2. “Buy a new SUV”……..I did

    3. “Help Mark with his website”…..I am

    4. ” Don’t kill yourself”…..Although death would be a welcome relief I’m still here.

    5. “Look after our 7 nephews and 1 niece”……I’m trying. About 1 week after Janet was diagnosed with PC our 21 year old nephew was diagnosed with PC. Two days after

    Janet’s passing the nephew had a Whipple performed at Sloan. He still has 6 months of Chemo ahead and will be having a CAT scan done in two days because of

    reoccurring symptoms….. Please pray for him.

    8. “Don’t move some hot number in here”….Janet was teasing because she knew I never would or ever will.

    9. “Don’t sell the farm”…..not in my lifetime.

    10. And “Spread my ashes across the property” she loved so much…….I will.

    I was truly blessed to have been loved and to have loved Janet all these years. The life we had together most people could only dream of. It gives me strength to get up in the morning.

    As you know from your own experience the pain is overwhelming and unbearable but Janet expected me to handle it and not give up……I won’t.

    I ask God to help all of us through our pain and suffering…….he will.

  • Kathy

    March 13th, 2016 at 9:10 PM

    Beautiful. Only one word necessary. God Bless

  • Carole

    March 13th, 2016 at 8:47 PM

    I’m so sorry Rich….your story was touching and inspiring. I am sure Janet is proud of the wonderful she left behind. Continue to honor her with your strength. You will see her again and no doubt the cat will be there too when you do :-)

  • Janice

    March 14th, 2016 at 1:26 PM

    I have been following this blog since last November–my husband of 47 years died of sudden cardiac arrest on October 29, 2015 one day after being discharged from the hospital after an ICD implant. He died in our hotel room the morning we were planning to leave for home. It never occurred to either of us that we wouldn’t be going home together. Almost five months now and I am still grieving deeply. Your comments bring me into a different world where I feel your pain and loss as well. Thank you!

  • Shirley

    March 15th, 2016 at 4:51 AM

    Rich-she will always be with you reading your story one can feel the love between you-I now understand when people tell me/us how lucky we are- I had 40 wonderfull yrs with my hubby,my soul mate,my best friend my everything and its because of the love we had I’m hurting so much as everyone on this website will agree and understand-were all on this journey together and can help each other !”
    “Grief is not a disorder,or a sign of weakness.
    It is an emotional,physical and spiritual neccesity-the price you pay for ♡love.
    The only cure for grief is to grieve.”
    “Goodbye hurts-
    When the story is not finished
    and
    the book has been closed.
    Thank you everyone-your words help so much !!XX

  • Rich

    March 15th, 2016 at 5:26 AM

    Kathy, Carole and Janice:
    Thank you for your responses. I think we are all in a place that we never would have imagined.
    I pray for all of you to find the strength you need. I will be heartbroken for the rest of my life but I can feel Janet moving me forward. It will never ever be better than what I had but it will be a life that reflects her continued love for me.

    Rich

  • Jackie

    March 15th, 2016 at 6:46 AM

    Hi Janice,
    I am so sorry for your loss, that must have been so frightening for you , my husband also died suddenly although he had a heart condition for many years. It is a different world without them in our lives. You realize when they are gone how much you lived for them, what a huge part of your life they were and what their absence means in terms of your everyday life, I feel like my normal existence is gone. How I long for just one more “boring” day of doing nothing, the comfort of it, the normal feeling that was my life. All of our lives. Janice, we understand your sadness and hope that it is a little comforting, knowing that others can relate so well to how you are feeling. That it is a difficult journey. It has been almost 7 months for me and it has not moved forward very much. In fact, moving forward feels like moving away and that is a very hard place to be mentally. you are not alone.

  • Murl

    March 15th, 2016 at 11:52 AM

    I lost my husband of 47 years this past November. He was murdered by our oldest grandson (age 24). I’ve not only lost my husband, but now my daughter (grandson’s mother) is not talking to me anymore. I feel confident the grandson’s lawyer has told her to distant herself from the family if she wants to help her son. I have not been discussing the grandson with her at all for fear of causing conflict. I just want to join my husband.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    March 15th, 2016 at 11:54 AM

    Dear Murl,

    Thank you for your comment. The GoodTherapy.org Team is not qualified to offer professional advice, but we do want to encourage you to reach out. If you would like to talk about this or any other concern with a mental health professional, feel free to return to our homepage, http://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area.

    Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

    Kind regards,

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Vivian

    March 15th, 2016 at 12:09 PM

    Oh Muri, I feel for you. We are all here if you need to talk.

  • Shirley

    March 16th, 2016 at 6:09 AM

    Hi I had someone come visit me yesterday (hadn’t seen her since the funeral!)anyway her first words to me was”Are you better Shirl?”-What!!-i wanted to scream at her but instead I passed her the following to read-
    “Just so you know…..
    I can’t stop grieving just because
    you belive it is time for me to move on…..

    I can’ t stop hurting just because
    you do not understand the piercing
    pain in my heart……
    I cannot stop my tears
    from flowing just because they
    make you uncomfortable…..
    My heart is not suddenly mended
    just because you belive that
    I have grieved long enough…..
    I will grieve the loss of my loved one
    for the rest of my life…..
    Just so you know.
    I think she will think before she speaks next time she see’s me.

  • Vivian

    March 16th, 2016 at 7:33 AM

    Dear Allen,
    I really do understand how you feel. It’s been 8 months since I lost my husband and I KNOW my life will never be the same. I wrote this in a previous posting. I hope it helps
    I just found this writing someone sent and it talks about something that might help. It has been 8 months for me. I wish I could say I’m getting better, but what people don’t get is this, ‘getting better at what?’ Yes, I find myself learning to live my life without him but I don’t want to. It tears a hole through me whenever the loneliness of living without him overwhelmes me. I don’t want it to “not matter”. I don’t want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that we had. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it.

    As for grief, I find it comes in waves.

    I found this writing that explains it well.
    In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

    Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O’Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out.

  • Jackie

    March 16th, 2016 at 9:18 AM

    Hi Shirley,
    I had a very similar incident happen to me with a person who was supposedly a “best friend”. It was only about 7 weeks after my Mark passed away. I couldn’t help it, I am slightly better now, I don’t cry all the time wherever I go, but at that point I just cried everywhere. So, we were somewhere and I started crying, her response ” you are not the only person that ever lost someone”, people won’t want to be with you if you continue to talk about it and cry”. Needless to say that person is now completely out of my life. It was not even two months. It is sometimes unimaginable what people say. It doesn’t leave you, it is so, so difficult. I like what you posted, and hopefully she thinks twice before asking you if you are better now ? Really, better ? My life has been completely shattered my entire security and comfort and LIFE is gone – no, I am really not better, but thanks so much for asking !

  • Rich S

    March 16th, 2016 at 2:07 PM

    Shirley/Jackie:
    I had to respond.
    I had a friend of mine that I knew since 6th grade tell me days after Janet’s passing “well now you can start living it up” I asked what do mean by that? His reply was I can go on vacations buy a new car, basically do what ever I want. I’m not rich and I’m not poor but he thought both Janet and I were denying ourselves certain luxuries that we could afford and felt Janet was “holding me back. So I should fly to the Islands and buy a Lexus to win his approval? As I said before we lived our lives at our pace with absolutely no regrets. I wonder if he can say the same thing about himself?
    Unfortunately, there isn’t a shortage of stupid people in the world and we run into them everyday, don’t allow it to upset you.

  • Francisca

    March 16th, 2016 at 8:02 PM

    Hi lovely loved kind people, thank you for keeping sharing the stories. It’s funny how similar situations that we are going through. What supposedly friends said to me, questions they asked me. Those remarks like every one of you mentioned, I have been asked and questioned. How are you feeling now? Better? Reshift the way you’re thinking, it will help you to move on, go travel so you can clear your mind, give me update how are you doing/what have you been doing … they make me feel it’s wrong the way I feel now, they make me feel whatever I do is not good enough.
    I have to hold myself not to scream at them or be rude in answering them. My cousin said don’t take it personally … I hold on as much as I could not to get angry at her because I respected her so much

  • Rebecca S. R.

    March 18th, 2016 at 11:54 AM

    hi people. this is a helpful place. just wish the newest posts were on top.
    i have grief mixed with panic and terror and feel i cannot manage without my husband. it has been 21 weeks and 3 days. does any one else feel this way?
    all our suffering is so similar. i feel like i can’t manage…..show of hands. you too, what to do? thanks and be well….. all i want is my husband back…it’s going on 5 months and i am going on crazy as well as bereaved. nothing helps. clues? thanks.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    March 18th, 2016 at 1:47 PM

    Dear Rebecca,

    Thank you for your comment. We are very sorry to hear of your recent loss. We encourage you to reach out. The support of a therapist or counselor can often be of great help when coping with grief.

    You can locate a practitioner in your area by entering your ZIP code here:

    http://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

    Please know you are not alone. Help is available, and we wish you the best in this difficult time.

    Kind regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Rich

    March 18th, 2016 at 3:52 PM

    Rebecca:
    I lost my wife on 2/2/16 after a short 43 day battle with PC.
    I thought I was the only person going through this. Unfortunately I am just one of many. I was able to get some very helpful information and support from these boards. For me I need to keep busy, my wife gave me a list of requests she wanted me to complete. I am working on that. I find that prayer thanking God for providing such a great wife helps me cope. I have never taken prescription medication in my life but did get one for Lorazepam which helps keep my anxiety level in check. I don’t take it everyday but only when I feel a need. we had no children but I do have a number of very supportive friends, (Five called me today) which really helps.
    Friday night, Janet would be watching Blue Bloods on TV, it doesn’t make sense why she is gone and it never will. But she would have wanted me to continue on just as I’m sure your husband wants you to do.

  • Shirley

    March 18th, 2016 at 4:40 PM

    Hi Rebecca its the price we pay for love-the denial,the anger,the panic,the fear,the feeling of being totally lost and no idea what to do or who to turn to make it better-I’m being honest with you now there is no-one who will make this better or to go away we have to face the truth its up to me,you and everyone who’s lost their love,soul mate,best friend their everything to try and belive what happened changed our lives forever and every day we now exist and breath we must accept and walk beside grief and only think of our loved one being right here with us always and no-one can take that away-yes I am so lonely and miss my hubby so much the pain so unbearable at times I don’t want to go on any more- this is because I love him today as much as when we first met and everything we wanted from life we would do together and this is how I try and get through each day now by beliving Ieu(my hubby) is here walking beside me guiding me through bad and better days and sharing the times I spend with my daughters and their family-we talk openly about how we feel,the way we miss him and what would he be saying or doing to help us and we still get angry because he isn’t here-I never swore but I have and I have talked to other widows who say the same thing-its a language we learn and is allowed its a way of trying to say how we feel-the worst!!!!!
    I still get panic attacks mostly at night,alone frightened and scared -I’m still here in the morning-life goes on!!
    We do find out quickly who our true friends are-the ones who really care and yes they have helped me but no-one will ever understand our pain,our struggle each day to try and cope with this new foreign land were in-the way I try and describe it to someone who has no idea is to just imagine taking a polar bear from the North Pole and placing him in the middle of a desert alone!!
    I was saddened today by a woman who knocked at my door a few months after I lost my hubby-she had lost her husband a few years before and wanted us to become friends,she called at my house often,phone long chats, we had many a day out,we shared our grief,she even made a promise she wanted us to stay friends forever- whatever our futures had in store for us-it helped sharing my raw grief with someone who knew what I was going through-but a few months back she changed-she didn’t come round as often,she didn’t phone-I just found out she has a new man in her life and now spends every spare moment with him-I hope she’s happy and I have accepted she’s moved on but what hurt and saddened me is she knows better than anyone this hell of a journey I’m going through – maybe one day she will realize she could have a man in her life as well as keep her friend!! Out of the blue today she sent me a text message saying she had found someone and wanted to spend all her time with him and maybe one day I would do the same then would understand and our friendship to be continued……I have not replied I just realized she dosen’t know me at all-she hadn’t listened to anything I’d said or she’d know there was only one man for me Ieu -I love Ieu now and will forever -all I can say is I will have moved on a lesson learnt be carefull I was vunerable and I belived but looking back now was I who bought the takeaways,was I who paid for the meals out,was I who lent her money which she still owes etc.Yes then lost alone and vunerable and naive and did belive when kindness knocked at my door-all we really had in common was we both had lost our husbands-every widow out there please be carefull-as we don’t have’ our knight in shiny armour’ to guide and protect us anymore from whoever that might be who comes along…..

  • Janice

    March 18th, 2016 at 7:21 PM

    Thank you for your kind responses. My husband, who died of sudden cardiac arrest, even with a defibrillator inside of him, went into ventricular fibrillation. He had congestive heart failure for the past eight years and actually survived a heart attack twenty years ago while traveling (complete blockage of right coronary artery). We were always hopeful and optimistic that the next day would be better and he took very good care of himself. When he died in the hotel the morning after hospital discharge, it was agonizing. I have been plagued with guilt because at 4:30 a.m., I didn’t move fast enough, don’t know how long he had been unconscious, didn’t do compressions because he had had surgery and after the paramedics arrived I actually went into the bathroom to get dressed, losing some minutes when I could have been by his side! It was an automatic response but so stupid of me–because since July of 2015, he had gone into cardiac arrest five times and always spontaneously recovered–either at home or in the hospital — was flown twice by helicopter to the nearest heart hospital and went taken twice by ambulance. Needless to say, we were given four extra months, because the first time it happened, I was certain he had died at home (it was 3:30 a.m.) I got dressed thinking he’d be taken immediately to the ER, which was just across the street. When I came out of the bathroom, he was clearly in agony, but was suddenly conscious again and managed to hug me and hold my hand very tightly. He wasn’t speaking (also wearing a CPAP mask) and I told him, “It’s going to be okay–they’re taking care of you–and I LOVE YOU!” He then had a seizure and died seconds later. So, five months later–I get out of bed, make coffee, try to find one or two tasks to complete but still feel utterely shattered and devastated. I still cry every day and while I have visited our children and other family members, I feel like my life is over. He was my life, my heart, and my purpose for being–we were partners for 48 years and I feel as if half of my soul is missing. NO ONE KNOWS what this feels like until they’ve been there. My heart aches for the look I saw on his face–he was as surprised as I was and not prepared to die. My heart aches for my children who lost their father and for our three small grandchildren whom he got to hold and love for four short years. While my own pain is unbearable, I ache for him having to die and to not be here–with his huge hugs, bigger than life personality and compassion–I do count the blessings–but am overwhelmed with HOW THIS FEELS! My friends are now at the tip toeing around stage–wondering when I’ll be me again, but right now, There will never be joy in my life again–not ever–not without him…

  • Vivian

    March 18th, 2016 at 8:20 PM

    Dear Janice, My husband was given 3 -12 months to live when he was diagnosed. The doctors, all of them said he would not live out the year. He died 24 days later, five of which he was mostly unconscious. He accepted it better than I did and I was convinced (and so was he) that he would at least have 3 months. We spoke ‘logically’ about what was I to do after he was gone and looking back I feel so stupid to think I could do it. Sure I cried and he held me but the night he went to bed and hospice came to take care of him around the clock, I never imagined it would be the last time we were going to have a conversation. I don’t know what I was thinking, this is nothing like I imagined. It’s going to be 9 months since he passed and every day gets harder for me. Half of me died, the joy, the dreams, the unbelievable love we shared, all gone. I watched him languishing for 5 days and never left his side. No one truly understands this pain until they go through it. I don’t think I will ever be me again because it was because of him that I was at my best. The me in the pictures with him, the joy in every picture is gone. I miss him every minute and in everything I force myself to do.

  • jackie

    March 19th, 2016 at 9:02 AM

    Hi Janice,
    My husband died instantly as well of cardiac arrest. We were married for 33 years. He had bypass surgery 16 years ago and had a few heart attacks and a mini stroke 4 years ago. We lived for the moment really, he did everything right, was in a cardiac program, swam, did Tai Chi. It is so horrible to have someone you love, die right in front of you. I also have such guilt, we were both sick the week before and attributed his not feeling well to the fact we were both sick. The night before he was restless and I asked if he wanted to go to the hospital and he said no. I should of insisted. It is just a terrible, horrible experience and I share what you are living with. It will be 7 months for me tomorrow. I also have no joy, I still work but truly do not know what to do with myself. I don’t want another life, I want my life back, the way it was before. Let’s hope for some better days to come, they would want that for us, I am sure they would. Lets try to have some joy in our hearts today – just for a little while.

  • Rebecca S. R.

    March 19th, 2016 at 10:20 PM

    Vivian these sentences of yours: “I don’t think I will ever be me again because it was because of him that I was at my best. The me in the pictures with him, the joy in every picture is gone. I miss him every minute and in everything I force myself to do.”—they speak to me so.Heart with you. tomorrow is 5 months without my beloved steve. we are all lost……..but we help one another… this site is good but we are a ship of mourners sailing in the dark with no answers but an occasional wave of i’m here too and you be well…..so sad. no answers. but…we share the search for how to survive and maybe we can be of help to one another that way. best to you and me and everyone else on here…it’s so hard now..winter into spring…flowers emerging ( in the north) and people getting happy but i am still in the cold and the dark you know? and we trudge on. knowing we suffer with others……..best to all

  • Rebecca S. R.

    March 19th, 2016 at 10:27 PM

    oh jackie your sentence is me too: “I also have no joy, I still work but truly do not know what to do with myself. I don’t want another life, I want my life back, the way it was before”

    exactly. and so we suffer together….yes…..and that gives a drop of comfort. but we want our lives back we want our loves back….we wish we could have what we want and the impossibility of it is so absurd…..all be well as can be. i am doing ” weep and sleep” today….we need to collapse some of the time don’t we? thanks all…. remember to rest. and hydrate….

  • jackie

    March 20th, 2016 at 1:22 PM

    Hi Rebecca, you are right , we suffer together at least we realize what each other are experiencing so we know we aren’t crazy and that we are not alone with this. People that haven’t experienced loosing a spouse don’t understand. They think you must just pick yourself up and move on. It isn’t like that our life was what it was because we were so entwined with our spouses. Without that, it is like a blank space. They defined who we were and now what, it doesn’t feel like I am good enough just as a single person, I feel so weak and unattached to anyone. It is awful, I like weep and sleep ! I find however that I can’t even seem to take a nap during the day, because the comfort of having Mark isn’t there when I wake up and I remember he is gone all over again. We do need to collapse some of the time – you are so right about that. Weekends are the worst.

  • Francisca

    March 20th, 2016 at 9:45 PM

    Hi Jackie, what you described is what’s going on with me too. I kind fall asleep around 2-3 am then waking up around 8ish. Dazed and confused. I do what I have to do but to be honest is because I feel so bad to others. I feel they are expecting more than the way it is now, I have to work hard to give what they expected because other wise they have no clue what to do. Smile and laugh that you see is just.
    I don’t function just being me because we always operate as one. The unity of us is one.
    I feel so hurt when his brother rushing with the inheritance process. He talked so lightly bout his passing. I can’t even use the word D! I get it that life keeps going and moving along but I told at the memorial service that my life is suspended now after he left me. Jackie, my worst day is the day he passed and weekends … yup
    hugs to you all

  • Rebecca

    March 20th, 2016 at 9:57 PM

    thank you all for sharing. we aren’t crazy but we kind of are…this grief is a kind of madness. and now spring comes. the flowers make me sad. you too? oh i want to show steve the blooms but …..5 months gone. we weep together. i feel him weeping with me. and you all too. thank you all. and yes…it seems to be getting worse….and yes…weekends are harder than weekdays….and i do wish there were a religion or belief system in which it would be ok to be out of this misery and in the grave beside him….not right away but i cannot imagine going on and on and on like this. i do not feel alive..i am we not me. and half of me is dead. you feel that too, don’t you, many of you? they say grief is the price of love. my husband’s death was such a shock. healthy and 67. he died with grace: asleep beside me. all fine if it were maybe 20 years later? i am working my way through the bureaucracy of death the world gives us. all the social security and retirement business. and it makes me so sad…i want him to recover from the heart attack and retire and we will have golden years together. now i will pick some things up around here and make a sleepy tea and put myself into a trance of denial and go back 5 months and change the story. he will get to the hospital and survive…this is craziness and someone told me today we are not the authors of our lives. so hard to take. the love of my life is gone. i do not want to be alone and i do not want to remarry. i am in love with a man in a grave…you know. you know. thank you all for your support in shared stories. we suffer….but how could any one prepare us for this? teach it in home ec or what? oh my. and …i’m a jew and we have an important holiday coming up. passover without my soul mate? how? and our anniversary? how how how can he be gone? 5 months ago i actually said, when i rolled over in bed, “you’re not dead are you?you can’t be dead” and i feel i have made little progress. he can’t be dead. but he is. so i weep…….

    thanks again writers and site organizers. all be as well as you can. which might be not very……..

  • jackie

    March 21st, 2016 at 11:42 AM

    Hi Rebecca,
    I sometimes replay the story in my head of what happened and he survives, I actually rewrite the story and we go home and figure out what happened and we are thankful. Then unfortunately that is not the truth, it does give me a few moments of comfort. It is so difficult, you are right, we are still we not I and I am not sure if I can or ever will be just an “I” and that seems like such a sad and lonely way to leave. I am 55 but can’t imagine living exactly as I am now for the next 30 years, how do people do that. Rebecca I went through an anniversary and my birthday and it wasn’t as bad as I had pictured. It took me 6 months to get my life insurance and other papers together because I couldn’t look at the necessary paperwork. We have something else in common as I will also be celebrating my first Passover without my Mark. Just thinking about seeing all the food that he loved, and the entire 8 days of it is so heartbreaking. I am going to the family member who we had always gone, we alternated years, I don’t want to go, but they won’t let me stay home. I really don’t want to go this year. I just want the days to pass and not acknowledge them at all.

  • Janice

    March 22nd, 2016 at 7:09 PM

    Dear Rebecca, I think we were briefly FB friends (I live in Vermillion) but I deleted a whole bunch of people who didn’t actually know me–I apologize, but this is a better forum for sharing our pain and sorrow. Your last post here was exactly how I feel and after five months I am actually feeling worse–the anguish is never ending–I am a ghost of who I once was and like you, I am still in disbelief that my husband is dead–and died within seconds of me telling him I loved him. I cry every day–waves of tears– for him–the pain he endured, the months of fading health, the tests and probes and prods–but mostly, for the look of surprise when he knew he was dying. He had never lost hope and faith in his medical team, yet something went very wrong that morning and I feel partially to blame with my slowness. I have also never lived alone and the silence is oppressive…but we are not alone when there are others out here in cyber space who care and are going through the same thing. Sending you peace and love, Rebecca!

  • Rebecca

    March 22nd, 2016 at 11:07 PM

    janice did beth connect us? you can re connect with me if you want. i took a couple days off fb. and suffered ” alone”. be in touch. i am out of hope for peace and love, but thanks. best to others on here as well…and to you

  • Janice

    March 23rd, 2016 at 8:45 AM

    Rebecca–the love is always there, whether you feel it or not right now–peace, not so much, I guess. Yes, Beth connected us–and we certainly do share a painful bond. The stories on this site from Carolyn, Vivian, Jackie, you–to name a few, make me realize how connected we all are. Nothing will return us to the people we were before. Nothing. Not ever.

  • Jackie

    March 23rd, 2016 at 1:40 PM

    Hi everyone,
    Well I just came back from a grief support group that I was really looking forward to. Unfortunately I didn’t feel like I connected very well with most of the group, although I guess that could change with time. We all shared loosing our spouse, but I don’t know it just didn’t feel right to me somehow, this group. I found the one on one counseling better or easier. Anyway I don’t want to discourage anyone from trying this, as anyone else gone to a group vs. individual counseling?

  • Janice

    March 24th, 2016 at 2:03 PM

    Dear Jackie and all–after getting the taxes done yesterday (another “first”)–I have had a hopeless and dismal day–did not get dressed, went back to bed, cried, got up and have no desire to do anything that in the past was enjoyable–have lost all concentration, can’t stay focused and have no motivation. The grieving group is good for me while I’m there, Jackie, but its effects disappear as soon as I’m home. Maybe tomorrow will be better…

  • Shirley

    March 24th, 2016 at 4:24 PM

    Hi yes I went to a grief support group-because of variation of grief it became very intense especially listening to a mother having lost her teenage daughter to suicide and way it happened -I sat there thinking what was I doing there I felt worse as now I not only felt heartbroken for myself but for the others as well was just too much to bear hence I could not and did not return.
    I do meet up with a grief counsellor she lost her husband just like me to a massive heart attack-one minute there talking to him the next he was gone-she understands the shock and my journey through grief and I thank God I have her support she knows as she has been there herself -she has helped me immensly and just knowing she’s there and she made it gives me hope!!We will learn to walk beside grief hand in hand with the one we love now and always!!
    We all need someone to care, listen and share our grief hence why we are here for each other-share our life stories and just to know we are not alone tonight…..I miss him sooòooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much- Shirley ♡XX

  • Jackie

    March 25th, 2016 at 6:52 AM

    Thank you Shirley and Janice, you are right Janice, it helps while you are there but you feel the same after you leave and go home. I know what you are saying Shirley, I miss my husband so much too. Sometimes I am out and I see a man that has similarities to my husband and I think, oh, Mark is here. I feel like I am going crazy. Since it has now been 7 months, people assume you must be better, they have moved on in there minds so they think you must be fine too. Nothing could be absolutely farther from the truth of the feelings. It is worse now. I hope everyone copes with Easter Weekend the best they can and enjoys the holiday for both of you.

  • Shirley O

    March 25th, 2016 at 4:02 PM

    Hi-how can I go on in this life without him-every waking moment,everything I do,everywhere I go I am reminded of our life together-Shirl & Ieu we were one-how can I? Please can anyone tell me how to survive this darkness of pain,sadness,loneliness and scary feeling everytime I return to our home the realisation hits as soon as I open the door no welcome,no familiar smells,no kiss,no cuddle,no cuppa waiting,no nothing how long can I carry on-deep down I know no-one can as we are all looking for one thing -our old life be returned the only life we know……… I cannot beleive I won’t see or hear him again………sometimes I try and watch a video of him with the grandkids and try and go back to the moment pretend but who am I fooling the tears just flow freely,I gasp for air the sick feeling in my stomach returns and I shout out-why Ieu…why me…..why…………..why………..why not………why all of you…….why………how can I go on …………………….you don’t cook any more no joy he loved his food what’s the point for one…………fed up of snacks……………yes I go have meals at my daughters etc………..but when your alone you just don’t bother……………..I still buy food he liked just incase………..how mad is that.I still have his mobile no on my phone just incase how mad is that……………I still have his slippers same place and his coat same peg-that’s not mad just a graet comfort to me yet again just incase………yes there is a madness in grief I know I’m living it!!!!!
    I listen to our songs over and over become a ritual there are certain things I do at certain times maybe its having some sort of normality amongst my madness-I don’t care I talk out loud to him as I try and get through the day communicate the only way I can-I hope he hears me though I woul not like him seeing me his girl so sad but I cannot help it my heart broke when he left me I cannot hide the tears,the way I feel as he knows me better than anyone we shared our love,our life,our everything except this grief I’m doing this alone without him and I don’t know how……………..I feel for you all- this is not what we signed up for when we fell in love but the price were paying right now because we did………..we do have each other here on this forum and it helps to get through one day at a time……….-Shirley xx

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    March 25th, 2016 at 4:17 PM

    Dear Shirley,

    Thank you for your comment. We are sorry to hear of your loss and the pain you are experiencing. The GoodTherapy.org Team is not qualified to offer professional advice, but please know you can use our website to locate a therapist or counselor in your area. Many counselors are specially trained to help people work through and process feelings of grief, and speaking to someone can often be helpful after the loss of a loved one.

    To locate a list of counselors in your area, simply enter your ZIP code here:
    http://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

    There are also links to search by speciality or by country on this page. If you reside outside the United States you can complete a search here:
    http://www.goodtherapy.org/international-search.html

    Please know you are not alone. Help is available, and we wish you the best of luck in your search.

    Kind regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Shirley O.

    March 26th, 2016 at 6:04 AM

    “Tonight we turn the clock forward-I wish I could turn back the clock ……………………………………..”

  • Jackie

    March 26th, 2016 at 10:29 AM

    HI Shirley,
    I understand exactly what you are saying, everywhere I go, everywhere I drive, my house everything – I think about how sad I am, how lonely I am . People are telling me isn’t it nice to have those memories – no it isn’t nice, it isn’t happy memories, it is just a stabbing pain seeing all that was and now isn’t any longer. Our favourite places , our routines, it didn’t have to be anything exciting, just our things that we did. I miss my life so much. I do think that we have to somehow push through it to get to the other side, where it is not so dark, not so sad. It must be possible to do this somehow, people have had to do this all time , 50% of us have to survive this and somehow we must survive. They would be weeping for us knowing we are so sad, we need to keep pushing ahead, even though I am crying as I write this.

  • Jill

    March 26th, 2016 at 12:55 PM

    I lost my husband, Claud, my beloved, the love of my life, three months ago, on December 23rd. We had been married for 35 years, and together for 39. I am 58. He was very ill for the last few years of his life, and I was totally focused on caring for him. I knew I was going to lose him, but when it happened I was not prepared at all. At first I couldn’t even cry. For the first couple of months I think I was just sort of numb. Because I have a dog and two cats I always had to get up and care for them. I am trying to do all the stuff you are “supposed” to do. I spend time with friends ( and I know I’m blessed to have them), I see a grief counsellor, I go to church, I do volunteer work, but it all just seems pointless and without him I feel a complete waste of space. I just want to be with him again. Our first date was on Easter, 39 years ago tomorrow. Now I am going to be alone. I can’t stop crying. I know I am not alone in this. I know other people have it far worse. But, please, somebody write to me, let me know it does get better, that the world isn’t as dark and hopeless as it feels right now. If I can help anyone out there, I really want to.

  • Vivian

    March 26th, 2016 at 2:57 PM

    Dear Shirley O,
    So would I…

  • Vivian

    March 26th, 2016 at 2:59 PM

    It’s going to be 9 months in 2 days. I miss him more every day, I need him more every day. He was my love, my life. I need him just to breathe. I need to talk to him. I need him so much I can’t even put it in words.

  • Shirley O.

    March 26th, 2016 at 4:17 PM

    Hi Jackie do you feel like I do at times maybe you should move house because now we expect our loved one to walk through the door or be there when we return them maybe would be best start anew there would be no expectations yet I am so scared and afraid in case its wrong decision – you cannot go back????? So much advice given – “You should move a new beginning!” – “You shouldn’t move all your memories are there!” – You should move you hubby died there” – “You cannot leave him behind” – “You need to get as far away as possible”, don’t they think before they speak its agonizing enough not knowing what to do – I am lost, I don’t know what I want-do you Jackie feel like this?

    Jill its early days for you and I feel for you knowing why you are going through and the journey you are on-somehow you manage to get through one day at a time and its hardest when you are alone and the silence is deafening-I kept a journal and it helped me also gives you something to look back when you don’t think you are making any progress through grief but may be only little steps but we learn to walk with grief I won’t lie there are very dark stormy days somehow you emerge, breath again until the next storm its hits unexpected and throws you off balance go with it don’t fight it, we’re all here helping each other and to share our pain and hopefully a day will come when we can share our happy memories also but for now were in this storm together.

    My confidence hit rock bottom first few months I was so scared to drive without my hubby by my side, I’d get in the car and I’d have a panic attack never had them before and I didn’t care if I’d die anything to get out of this hell I was in – I was scared and wanted him back my whole body ached I’d scream how could he have left me-I was not capable of living without him by my side I never had to until now… but slowly I didn’t notice my family and friends did I began to take a few more steps forward instead of backwards… maybe I should be gentler with myself go forward at my own pace not listen to others eager for you to join activities, socialize craft sessions etc. – its so exhausting mentally and physically grieving the loss of my soul mate and no knitting pattern or run a race will make it better or go away right now – just give me time please let me get to know this person I’ve become – let me grieve at my own pace because right now I still cannot accept I will not see or hear his voice again – right now I’m still grieving as if it only happened yesterday… who knows what tomorrow brings – I don’t care – its hard enough just getting through today…

  • Rebecca S. R.

    March 26th, 2016 at 7:45 PM

    hi everybody
    we have such similar suffering…
    this week i had to deal with social security & retirement… the endless business of death…and i went to a monument company and started planning that….and i went to the supermarket and bought matzoh and started to cry… passover without steve? …so last night i allowed myself to go back to the earlier stages of denial. i held a cat and re wrote the story. i saved steve by dialing 911… we got to the hospital… he got medicine and stents… i felt so happy in my insane not reality… then i could not sleep at all… i allowed myself to be in bed all day napping on and off and really really really thinking how much i love my husband and if his life was cut short… well i love the cats and i have things to do but he is my everything and i do not like it on the planet without him. you know? i did so much “biz” this week… i am glad i gave me to day to wallow in the sadness and the love and the wishes for more… i really do not know how i long i can go on but i am thinking it has been 5 months i will go another 5 months… i wish i could just will myself to die of grief right here in bed where he died. i want to die naturally of a broken heart, if he can’t come back, and i know he can’t. i am feeling like a crazy person from the sadness which is in such sharp contrast to the love and joy we shared… all i want is the past… i do not think there is a future for me because i hold tight to my love for my husband and do not want to “move on”… you know? i do not know how anyone can do this with grace, though i know some do. all be well… and remember to re-hydrate after crying… i kind of feel sick and dehydrated now… so many of you speak my language… we are all lucky to have had the love but the loss, the grief, is so painful… i do not want to be in the world without him for more than a little.while… i do not want to be spreading doom and gloom..and hate that i do… o world what is there for us?

  • Vivian

    March 26th, 2016 at 8:36 PM

    Dear Shirley O,
    I too get so tired of all the “advice”. But the best advice I was given was “do what YOU feel like doing”. Every relationship is different and we all mourn in our own way. I find that when I start listening to people, I get very tense, feel guilty about doing or not doing. So, for me, I have stopped caring what people think. Personally, I want to stay in our home. Raul died here but it is what he wanted. After the memorial, people kept asking what I was going to do with the ashes. I have them. It’s not for everyone but we decided to keep him with me until I am gone and then, we can both be together. I live in a small townhouse and the large picture I used in the memorial is hanging in the entrance. Believe me, so many people are constantly telling me, go on a trip, do what you always wanted to do and they don’t understand that what I always wanted to do was be with him. We loved the same things, had the same dreams, hopes, and plans, so all that is gone. I get through some days better than others but I’m trying to guide my actions by what I want. If I want to eat, I do, if I feel like crying (which is often) I just cry and if people stare I don’t care anymore.
    However, after 9 months, people don’t say it but I get the sense that they think it’s time I should be better. For a lot of those people I say ‘yes, I’m better’ but they have no idea that I will never be the same. My joy is gone.
    I stay home a lot because I don’t like being around people much anymore. I watch a lot of reruns on TV. The noise helps somewhat. I write to him in a journal every day. I take a yoga class now and even though I have to will myself to go, I do.
    I don’t know if all this helps but remember, what works for some does not work for others. Don’t let anyone tell you how to mourn, just put one foot in front of the other. I do a lot of things mechanically to help me get through the day. I shower, make my bed, etc. There are a lot of other things I could be doing but I just don’t feel like it. I sew and can’t seem to get into it, I have a project to put all our pictures into photo books and I can only work on them for a little while and then… Just keep coming back. We are all here for you, as you all have been for me.

  • Shirley O.

    March 27th, 2016 at 5:17 AM

    Rebecca I feel for you and everyone else here-its unbearable at times-so damn hard to carry on-when I can’t-
    if one could die from a broken heart I would have-my whole body aches for him-my mind scrambled turned to madness-try and pretend he will be home soon though I know if he was able to return he would have to be with me but some days all I can do to survive the day !
    The word widow means alone-my hubby died of a massive heart attack known as the widow’s friend-I hate the word-I don’t recognize who I have become anymore since I became a Widow- I just want to be Ieu’s wife not till death us do part… the way we all are grieving is the price we have to pay now for the love we shared and now lost… I miss him so… much- but still I cry- where are you?…

  • Jill

    March 27th, 2016 at 5:20 AM

    Shirley O, thank you for your caring words, and Rebecca, thank you for expressing what I am feeling so much better than I could. Your words made me sob and sob, but tears help, right? I don’t know. Shirley, I am going to have to sell my house because I have huge financial problems we never expected. My husband’s pension, which we counted on, is trying to find a loophole to avoid paying out. I have to get a lawyer and fight this case, but meanwhile I have no income but my disability and cannot even pay my basic expenses. We have lived in this house for 30 years and I feel Claud here with me everywhere. I don’t at all feel ready to move, and I’m terrified of making a bad decision about a new place. And even if I really downsize I am not sure I can afford to stay here where I have my friends and my memories. All this seems so hard when all I want to do is try to get through my grief (or get used to it) quietly in my own way. It’s like a lot of the time I can’t even feel my sorrow properly because I am so full of anxiety about money. Claud never imagined it would be like this. He thought he had provided for me, and he had no reason to think this catastrophe would come.

  • Jackie

    March 27th, 2016 at 10:19 AM

    Hi Rebecca and Shirley, Jill and Vivian,
    Yes, I think all the time I should move, everything in my house is the same, I have barely moved anything of Mark’s. We had gone swimming the day before and I washed and folded the towels and they are sitting in the same place with our swimming things. His gym bag is still in the back seat of the car. I am truly stuck. I drive around and see every place we had ever been in the 33 years we were married. I do want to feel better, but I don’t seem to be getting to that point at all. The terrible part is that friends and family expect me to be better now, it has been 7 months. People think you just move on. I know all of you understand this completely, the person that would give you comfort, that you could be yourself with, is gone and there is no comfort, just this odd place in the world without them. I look at condo’s and houses – I imagine a life with my husband still here, like you said Shirley, that there was a different outcome. Truly like being dropped on another planet , that is how it feels without him. Driving alone, going places alone that may be the only thing I am sort of getting used to, I cry in the car often. You are not spreading gloom, we feel it and feel for you all of us are experiencing this. No one else understands. I wish everyone that is celebrating Easter today to be okay, to be who you are right now. Rebecca, I just looked at all the Passover ads for food, and I too think how can this day come without Mark. We just do the best we can with our broken hearts and take the very, very smallest of steps each day, what else can we do.

  • Rebecca S. R.

    March 27th, 2016 at 12:32 PM

    dear people we are all so similar.in some ways reading the posts is a comfort. sometimes it escalated my pain….as yours echoes it. today i wrote a poem. i will paste it here. i think it is a poem. i hope it comes out in poem format. i am totally stuck, paralyzed by this. have you been there? i took some small steps this week then collapsed. trying to bathe and dress and do paper sorting. extremely despondent. will send poem in separate post. no grief counsellor can help me all i want is steve and …thus there is no hope for me. you know what i mean. hang in. rehydrate after weeping. i have to do that, and have a hot bath… b well

  • Rebecca S. R.

    March 27th, 2016 at 12:34 PM

    22 weeks, 5 days
    mind constantly haunted:
    could have saved him and
    here we’d be now continuing
    our happy life
    you please sort your own papers,
    love-
    love you but
    not sure what you want
    hold cats close
    imagine he is here and
    how recovered by now
    from the minor heart attack
    still i’d be
    watching over him
    like a mother bird:
    let me scoop the poop &
    take out the trash
    just come out of the ground,
    come home now
    & i will convert
    to that dominant religion
    celebrating their guy
    again today
    while i weep
    for you you you you perfect beloved……

    ~c.rsr aka the widow marsden
    grief is the price of love 3.37.2016

  • Rich S.

    March 27th, 2016 at 12:54 PM

    During the 43 days Janet had from diagnosis to passing she spoke about my future without her.
    The one item she made very clear is “Do not sell our farm” She loved it, she passed here and her ashes will be spread here as well. Fortunately I have the finances to honor her request. The property has been in my family for over 60 years. Instead of going to the movies our dates involved clearing out the trees and planning our future here. We dreamed of what we would build, she even named the sheep, Flopsy, Mopsy and Cottontail 10 to 15 years before we got them. The floorplan of the house and how it would be decorated before a building permit was even obtained.
    We built the house and barn 16 years ago. We had plans for a large garden and a one room schoolhouse she wanted built. On 2/3/16 we ran out of time that seemed endless.
    I thought of selling the place since everywhere I looked I would see Janet’s smile, the flowers she planted in the fall starting to bloom, the antiques she collected, even the color of the walls she selected.
    As I sit here having Easter dinner by myself for the first time in 34 years I understand her decision not to sell was the correct one. Everywhere I look I see a celebration of her life, the joy and love she had. She is at peace and so am I.
    Please think long and hard before you make a move.

  • Kathy

    March 28th, 2016 at 5:35 AM

    That was so beautiful Rich. Your tribute to your wife is an example of love forever in our hearts for our loved ones.

  • Kathy

    March 28th, 2016 at 8:53 AM

    I wish I could have felt that way about our home. Now here is the reason we all are unique in our experiences. My beautiful home with 4 acres and an outbuilding garage (where my husband had a wood shop) was a dream home for us. However after he died I stayed in it for 2 years and it became so very painful to come home from work to the dark and empty home we once shared. He was not there and I felt very alone after 40 years with him daily. I really tried but I decided to sell and move closer to my daughter in an apartment. For now it works. I pray about it and when the Lord allows I will possibly buy a smaller house for myself. I pray for peace for you all.

  • Rich S.

    March 27th, 2016 at 1:42 PM

    Jill & others
    I wish everyday that my late wife Janet was experiencing what you and I am going through since I would be trading my place for her.
    Even facing a life of living purgatory there exists the slim possibility of hope for the living, something Janet no longer has. You are here to make a difference, at least give it a try.

    Rich

  • Shirley O.

    March 27th, 2016 at 3:33 PM

    Hi Everyone and thank you for being here-
    “I was supposed to spend the rest
    of my life with you…
    And then I realized… you spent the
    rest of your life with me…
    I smile because I know you loved me
    till the day you went away…
    And will keep loving me-
    till the day we’re together again.”

    “It’s being WITHOUT HIM that I’ll NEVER get used to!!!!!”

    “I’m still not ready to accept that you are gone… I t’m trying hard but that day has not arrived yet… Maybe it never will.”

    “*With him went all of me-I look in the mirror I’ve become a stranger-who am I-I look down at my left hand -I see my wedding ring -just a symbol now of the life I lost… when you went away-with you went all of me…”

    We are all on this journey together,we all understand,we all have the same feelings-I feel your pain because I know- as you feel and know my pain-thank you for caring and sharing…

  • Jill

    March 28th, 2016 at 5:38 AM

    Oh Rich,
    Do you think I WANT to sell our home of 30 years, where we had so much happiness, where I loved and cared for him to the very end? The reason I wrote about it is that it is breaking my heart. As I write this I can’t stop crying. But I can’t pay my bills, I can’t pay my taxes, I can only afford my prescription drugs if I don’t eat properly. I have lost 14lbs in the past three months (and I was only 135 before) because I can’t afford to eat properly. I don’t have a choice about my house, and I am in despair. I know we are fortunate to have life, and I am trying to make a difference. I volunteer at a nursing home, and I am trying to get back into my hospice work, but that is too painful right now. I am trying so hard. Yesterday I got myself up, went to church, skyped with my mom and dad, cleaned the house, took the dog to the park, etc etc. I felt like I had been positive and busy, but then all night I had nightmares about losing our home.

  • Rich

    March 28th, 2016 at 9:04 AM

    Jill:
    I am very sorry if I didn’t correctly express myself.
    I know that many people are faced with financial hardships once a spouse passes. It is a terrible thing added on to what you already have to deal with. While I have the house covered I wake up every morning with tears in my eyes, loss of significant weight, taking Lorazepam in the afternoon to keep me from having a complete melt down. I spent my first Easter by myself and although I believe in God I question why he allows me to live in torment. I’m tearing up as I write this.
    Please accept my apology if it sounded like I was “preaching” I was just letting everyone know how I am handling a loss I will never recover from.
    Rich

  • Jill

    March 28th, 2016 at 9:50 AM

    Rich,
    I am sorry if I was insensitive in my response to you. Too caught up in my own troubles, I suppose. Please know that I do understand (as well as anyone can) what you are feeling. It was heartbreaking for us both to be alone at Easter for the first time. And I am sobbing too. Your letter about the house you built together and your struggles and dreams was really beautiful and I am so grateful to God that you can keep those beautiful memories around you, even though I understand that it doesn’t make your heartbreak any less. Forgive me if I added in any way to your pain.

  • Vivian

    March 28th, 2016 at 11:41 AM

    Dear Rich,
    In my case, my husband and I have lived in many homes throughout our lives. Raising 6 children and working 2 jobs while they were growing up, we longed for the time when we would be alone. We love our children but we were truly ‘in love’ for all the 34 years we were together. We bought a smaller townhome that we both fell in love with because we wanted to make memories in our ‘last’ home so whoever was left would not only be able to stay but have wonderful memories. Unfortunately, he was diagnosed 14 months after we moved and died 49 days after the first x-ray but 24 days after he was given 3-12 months. We also talked about the future but what were we thinking? It is nothing like you plan. We weren’t ready. As silly as it may sound, I wanted the 3 months. How could we have known that Tuesday night, that it would be our final conversation, he was in and out of consciousness for the next 5 days and passed away. Staying home has been good for me and I am glad we downsized because it allows me to stay home and be able to afford it. I plan to keep his ashes (I know it’s not for everyone) because it’s what we decided. When I am gone, then our kids can do what they will as long as we are together.
    It’s been 9 months today and I am no better today. I am in pain, I miss him more than ever and can’t really imagine years of this, so I live moment to moment. He was my life, my love and it is difficult to breathe without him.

  • Shirley O

    March 28th, 2016 at 3:19 PM

    So much pain in everyone’s comment-I feel my pain every single second of the day-even in dreams I reach out and I still cannot as yet find a peace to exept my love has gone and start to remember the happy memories of our life together if only I could ………….
    I feel anxious all the time,afraid to make decisions,I suffer panic attacks my GP has offered medication but as yet I haven’t taken any as I am so not sure as I have read and have been told one should not maskthe feelings of grief with medication-have any of you taken medication-is so has it helped-I hope you don’t mind me asking I just don’t know what to do right now-all I know I could do with a little help!
    *We were thinking of downsizing weeks before he passed away-buy a smaller property,less work give us more time and money to do the things we’d planned was so exciting making plans- going to be our time……………………then everything changed……………………here I am alone and Iv’e got no plans………………………….

  • Jill

    March 28th, 2016 at 3:30 PM

    I have my husband’s ashes, too, Vivian. When I die I want my ashes to be with his. I just wish I could be with him now: body and soul.

  • Rich

    March 28th, 2016 at 4:07 PM

    Vivian:
    At 60 everyone I know is downsizing.
    I just spent the day framing out 2 upstairs bedrooms and bathrooms. We already had more house than we could use and initially over built the home with the anticipation of completing rooms once we searched every antique store within a 50 mile radius for the right piece of furniture or decorative piece. Janet liked to decorate and what made her happy made me happy. We both worked full time so once you get home and eat there were only a few hours available. Over a 2 year period we built a garden shed. I would hammer the nails while she held the wood. Over another 2 years we did the same with the sheep shed. I took 3 years to completed the walk out basement with an office for me and a craft room for her. Sure we could have hired someone but what’s the fun doing that?
    Now that I am no longer working the process should go quicker. I want to tie up some loose ends, like completing these projects. Some friends have offered to move in and keep me company, so I had to institute the 5 day friend and 2 day relative rule. Friends can’t stay more than 5 days a year, relatives 2 days.
    On another somewhat funny note I had a telemarketer call me today and ask for Janet. I told her Janet passed away 2 months ago. She said she was sorry but would it be OK if she called her back in 12 months.

    Rich

  • Vivian

    March 28th, 2016 at 4:24 PM

    Jill, I agree with you. This is so hard. However, I am glad to have found this site. You all understand and so many people don’t.

  • Rich

    March 28th, 2016 at 6:15 PM

    Shirley:
    Until February of this year I never took any prescription medication. Six days after Janet passed I was given Lorazepam. Though the dose is twice a day I normally take only one. There have been times that I have gone four days between doses. Hopefully I will be off it in a month but in the meantime it is literally a life saver. I can tell you if I didn’t take it I doubt if I would be responding to your post.
    Try a little and see if it helps but be careful since you don’t want it to become habit forming.

    Rich

  • Vivian

    March 29th, 2016 at 9:53 AM

    Rich, I completely understand. My dad lost mom 5 years ago and he lives in this big house and refuses to leave. He will be turning 92. He is a very easy going person but has one rule. Leave the things and projects she left. He hates change. It was difficult to get him to get rid of the absurdly heavy tube tv so we could replace it with a flatscreen. His love is baseball and nothing should ever interfere. He has advised me that even though having my daughter and her family with me was good at the beginning, it is time for me to have the house to myself. I have learned one thing, we all mourn differently and things that comfort some may not be good for others. We have to make sure that we own our grief. I am in a lot of pain, but I need to grieve my own way. No one knew my husband as I did and I write to him in a journal every day. He asked me to make some photo books of all our memories. It was a hobby of mine and he thought it would be a legacy we could both leave.

  • Shirley O

    March 29th, 2016 at 2:52 PM

    Thank you Rich-I am going to give my medication a go but like you I am going to take just one a day for now and see how it goes-yes only for a while don’t want to depend on them- I appreciate your advice given.
    When I read the bit about you buiding the shed together sounded just like what we did-I would hold the wood while he hammered the nails,he would dig the holes and I would plant the trees,flowers,he would wash the outside of the car I would do the inside,we would decorate together,we did everything together hence why I cannot think of doing these things on my own-I will have to one day-I admire you being able to carry on your projects without her-maybe the medication takes the edge off your suffering giving you the strength to carry on and be positive-I hope it works for me as I need a little help and energy to be doing the things I feel I ought to-cut the grass,weed and keep the garden we created from scratch the way we loved it to be tidy and well used by the family especially the grandkids,we built the climbing frame,swing and cabin together,we painted the fences together-they need painting………..I look around our home is us-both of us-every room done together,the conservatory he loved and I haven’t used since but I must-one day soon I hope………
    We ran a business together-he was the business-hardly a day goes by someone will comment how they and whole town misses him-he was loved by all…………….the hundreds of people who called to see me and attended his funeral proved how loved he was and the messages and cards etc written from the heart and so many tales made me smile-yes they knew my hubby he had a cheeky sense of humour-well loved and respected by all………..they miss him………………
    My precious daughters miss their Dad so much-so painfull for me to see them hurting- he adored them and was their best friend always there for his girls………..the grankids each one so special just want their Taid(welsh for grandad)to come back home…….I bought and named a star after their Taid-now I tell them to look up and see their Taid looking down at them andhe will always there to watch over and listen to them wherever they are……..each one has a framed star in their room I can only hope it helps them-on a daily basis one of the grandkids sure to stop and remember something their memory of Taid -then talk freely about their Taid and what happened,laugh and then return to play-wish I was a child………….
    The physical and mental pain of grieving the loss of your loved one is so exhausting some days its hard to breath and I just got to try and take each second,each minute,each hour,each day at a time………its no wonderI have no energy left for anything else………………….

  • Jill

    March 30th, 2016 at 5:24 AM

    I take Lorazepam at night to help me sleep. Without that I don’t think I would ever sleep. I was just lying awake remembering and crying. I had the dog and the cat on the bed with me, but the loneliness was just overwhelming and so frightening. I feel anxious about so many things I never used to, like driving to new places, meeting new people. I am a breast cancer survivor and yesterday I had my annual mammograms (everything was ok). Claud always used to tell me to call as soon as I got the results, and he would be so relieved and happy. Yesterday it seemed like nobody really cares any more, and what it matter if I did have cancer again anyway. But I know that isn’t really true.

  • Rich S.

    March 30th, 2016 at 6:26 AM

    Premonitions
    First, let me tell you that if you were thinking of a number from 1 to 2, I could never guess it right.
    That said, my wife Janet died of pancreatic cancer on 2/03/2016. Starting around January of 2015 I started having a vision of her in our bed dying with me next to her and her sister in the adjacent family room. I can’t remember if it started as a dream but it quickly turned into a waking vision. Started with once a week and as the year progressed it became almost daily. Janet was a vegetarian, exercised daily looked like she was in her 30s when she was 55 and never was in the hospital. She had two wellness checkups per year. Once for the company insurance, one she did on her own.

    I didn’t tell Janet about it since I didn’t want to worry her. This very visual image became like a bad song that you can’t get out of your head. I couldn’t shake it. It was always the same, Janet on her side of the bed dying, me next to her and her sister visible through the bedroom door on the couch in the family room. On February 3rd of 2016 at 6:30am Janet took her last breath, with me at her side and her sister on the couch in the family room. The exact way I saw it all those times.

    I ask myself what was the point? Was it to prepare me or warn me? Janet had a certain intuitiveness and I could understand if she had a premonition, but me?

    Has anyone else experienced the same thing?
    Rich

  • Rich S.

    March 30th, 2016 at 6:32 AM

    I should add that Janet was diagnosed on 12/21/2015 and did not have visible symptoms until a week prior.

  • Vivian

    March 30th, 2016 at 9:40 AM

    Rich, It’s amazing that my story is similar, although I never had a premonition, I believe now that Raul might have. When we were told he only had 3 months to live, I fell apart but he was completely calm. He said he knew that’s how he would go. He made me promise that, since all the doctors agreed there was no hope and didn’t even suggest any treatment, there would be no more tests, no more MRIs (he hated them). We called hospice care as recommended and his pain was managed at home. I truly believed we had 3 months but at one point, he said, “baby I don’t think I have as long as we think”. His sister came to be with us in our guest room and he stayed home as he wanted. He also said he didn’t want to die in a hospital, so we even bought an adjustable bed to make him more comfortable. He was doing, I want to say as well as expected. He ate ok, showered and loved the fact that he was still able to do things. Looking back, I think he was was feeling worse than he admitted to me. We were treating his pain with morphine tablets but it was manageable I guess. What I didn’t expect was that the Tuesday night he said, I can’t seem to urinate (sorry to be graphic) would be the last time he was fully conscious. He went to bed at 7pm and by 9 he was not breathing right. I called hospice immediately and by the morning he had full 24 hour nurses. I think he only had a couple of moments of clarity but they were to say goodbye to our son and my dad. I never left his side. At one point, he tried to talk to me but he couldn’t speak. I wish we could have at least spoken till the end. I hated seeing him so out of it, but reducing his pain medication was not an option. He was in pain and I didn’t want him to suffer. He was in and out of consciousness for almost 5 days. His breathing was like a gurgle and I prayed that he didn’t ‘drown’. I was so conflicted to pray that God take him so he didn’t suffer, and to ask Him to leave him with me. This all so surreal to me. I never expected to live without him, at least not this soon.

  • Shirley O.

    April 1st, 2016 at 3:33 AM

    My soulmate……
    When were not together
    my soul feels hollow,
    My heart feels numb,
    my emotions become shallow.
    Like a rainbow without colours,
    like poetry without rhyme,
    being away from you
    are my life’s darkest times…..

    And no matter what anyone says
    about grief and about time healing
    all wounds,the truth is,there are
    certain sorrows that never fade away
    until the heart stops beating and the
    last breath taken…..

    I can no longer see you
    with my eyes
    Touch you with my hands
    But I feel you in my
    heart………
    I’m sitting here thinking,and I am
    overwhelmed with how much
    I love you…..
    I loved my hubby……now I know the meaning of love hurts………as everyone here ……….

    I miss my soulmate so………………………. much-it hurts………how do we survive this…………………….

  • Shirley O.

    April 1st, 2016 at 3:45 AM

    I am lost without Ieu- hurting so much- each day is such a struggle- I’m missing my best friend my everything because I love him so much……….he was my world…………how do we survive this…………………how are you all surviving this…..
    don’t know if I can go on without him………….Yes I must for my daughters and grandkids but how………..HOW!!!!!

  • Jackie

    April 1st, 2016 at 8:33 AM

    Hi Rich,
    I believe I had a premonition as well. Mark had a heart condition for many years, but for the past year I was picturing strange things. We were members of a club with a pool, and there was a woman’s and men’s entrance/exit where the changing rooms where. . We would go in to our respective sides and exit together out of a door, I kept picturing me exiting and waiting at the door for him to come out and he would not come out. I had thoughts like this often. I now worry did my thoughts cause this, I am going crazy with guilt and sadness. It is just awful being one of the two that is left. Life is so very empty and sad. I just kill time and wait for the hours to pass somehow. No happiness just functioning at this point and it has been 7 months.

  • Shirley O

    April 1st, 2016 at 1:45 PM

    Hi Rich,Vivan and Jill,I haven’t mentioned this to anyone and I havealso felt guity but I also had a premonition weeks before Ieu died-I used to be looking out of the window waiting for him to arrive home then I’d look towards the parking area where all his work vehichles were kept and this eerie feeling would come over me and instead I’d see the parking area empty except for a memorial bench with a plaque with his name on it and I’d see the same thing each time I’d look out this happened several times-now I know it must have been a premonition was a warning I should have acted on it made him have a check up with the G.P. he had only visited the G.P. a few times in the 40years we were married I should have insisted as he was much more tired than usual but he put it down to getting older-I feel so guilty………………if only,if only,if only……………………..now I’ll never know if I could have saved him if only he’d seen the G.P. sooner. …………I don’t look out of that window anymore………………..all I know is that the parking area is now empty……………………….

  • Shirley O

    April 1st, 2016 at 1:51 PM

    Sorry Jackie was Hi to you I meant not Jill about my premonition comment above.

  • Rich S

    April 1st, 2016 at 4:59 PM

    Jackie, Shirley:
    We should not be feeling guilt, as difficult as it is to understand II think we were being prepared by God and our spouses. I just don’t get the process but maybe that will be clearer to us in time, or maybe not.
    Like I said in my case Janet had PC, there was nothing that could be done even if we acted on my premonition. Still doesn’t change the way I feel. Just popped two Lorazepams and two Unisoms and downed it with some ice cream.
    Rich

  • Shirley Owen

    April 2nd, 2016 at 2:53 PM

    Hi Rich and thanks seems you understand and yes the guilt comes over me but I know that if there was anything I could have done I would have -I would have done everything in my power if only………I just want him back……………………
    Sometimes I feel so angry because he left me but of course have realized now he never would have if it was down to him -we were his world-he was our world-his family meant everything to him its why we miss him and hurt so much-but he had always said he wanted to go first as he would not survive without me-I am glad he will never now have to and go through what I am going through- that’s how much I love him………………….but Ieu I don’t know how I’ve survived here without you….somehow I’m still here…………………..

  • Shirley O.

    April 2nd, 2016 at 3:46 PM

    Which pain is worse-
    The shock of what happened
    or the ache for what
    never will.
    Which pain is worse……..

    LOVE wasn’t finding someone
    you can live with,
    it was finding someone
    you can’t live WITHOUT.

    Now what am I suppose to do-what are we all here supposed to do-its why we are all suffering right now.
    How can I carry on living without my love-how can you………………………the price we pay for falling in love…………….
    Would I change anything NO-but I have no idea how to do this alone-we always did everything together………………..

  • Rebecca R.

    April 2nd, 2016 at 8:00 PM

    hi people. i haven’t been on for a while. good to check in. you all are a great anti dote to the ppl who say move on move on well we can’t. a couple of ppl said lorazepam. not to do commercials but it helps me too. i live in a little house it is full full full. my calling is to honor my husband (who was an activist for peace) by getting his papers to archives. were he alive we would do it together now. my challenge is to get some work done without weeping. this is all choppy not well written.if i had a big house i ‘d rent a room or 2. some of you said you have big houses and financial probs. even if not a long term roomie…..some short term stays? if the house had room and the ppl would not be in my way. but now i am here in a little house. steve’s things all over. and mine! i want to get his archives in order then i want nature to take me…..i really do not want to be in this world without my love and beloved. it’s a horrible thing to say. i value life. but this constant sadness does not feel like living to me. i feel my face pulling down. my husband was my joy. we gave each other smiles. oh yes grief is the price of love.i am so haunted…i am sure sure sure if we had known the signs and dialed 911 my beloved husband steve would have lived through a minor heart attack. now i think i will be forever sad. it’s 23 weeks and 4 days and getting worse. i do not know how any widows manage. to those who do: i bow to you. all be well. thankfully now one of my sweet kitties came over. her paw is on my heart and she is purring. she is a help. but we want our steve home too and he is not coming home :.(……………….
    thank you all for being there. for being here. you help. though we all need so much more help…..or we will suffer for ever won’t we?we are doomed to perma sad since our loves are not coming home ;.(………
    but we try and manage for a while…i have no family…just steve and me and 4 kitties made family. i do not think i will live long. i think the stress or whatever will take me…i just need to get some things in order for my love…… b well if you can, or be as well as you can be, even if that is not very. and: spring hurts. the beauty i can’t share with him. we began in spring. i am glad i gave myself this day to collapse in bed after a night of waking every few hours feeling bad that i didn’t call 911….tough is not what we need to be. take care, tender hearts. take care…. thank you

  • Rich S.

    April 3rd, 2016 at 12:53 PM

    Rebecca:
    You are so right. Two months after Janet passed and I’m eating Lorazepams like chicklets.
    Went to the Blue Army Shrine in Washington NJ where Janet use to light candles for others. I’m not Catholic but lit one to thank God for her and the other for my nephew. On the way back I called the home number since her voice comes on. Told her I can’t do this anymore, just take me. I hear her reminding me of the things she wanted me to do after she passed. I’m trying but the pain is too much.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    April 3rd, 2016 at 7:09 PM

    Hi Rich,

    We are so sorry to hear of your recent loss. If you would like o seek assistance from a mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage, http://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area.

    Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

    Kind regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Shirley O.

    April 3rd, 2016 at 2:17 PM

    The sun was shining today and I decided( though was such an effort)to go outside and sort a few potted shrubs that needed re-planting when some strangers happened to be passing by they stopped started chatting to me about how they loved coming to this area on holiday so quiet etc and remarked what a lovely place I had and then jokingly said you shouldbe getting your husband to move those heavy pots-I replied he would if he was home as they moved on……………..I went back into the house and broke down and cried Ieu you should be here with me,they were much older than us yet still together enjoying life,they pressumed you were here………………….why did this happen to us-why not them,why?Why?Why?-I use to love being outside when we did everything together-now here alone everything has become a chore…………….I don’t want to do this without you ………………….I cannot do this without you………..

  • Shirley O.

    April 3rd, 2016 at 2:56 PM

    I wanted to ask does anyone of you have this feeling with you all the time don’t know how to truly describe it like you looking around-over your shoulder know should be there, something missing , waiting to catch up with you,empty space you stand back and wait,scan around this lost feeling with me all of the time an awareness so familiar now an empty space but how-you been there next to me always so used to it why I keep looking and this feeling with me wherever I go-I cannot shake it off-not sure I want to-does anyone understand what I’m trying to say…………

  • Sheena

    April 3rd, 2016 at 3:03 PM

    I totally understand what you are going through my friend and trust me it’s not very easy to overcome. I lost my husband of 7yrs about 3yrs ago, he left me with our Son who was 6yrs old then. I tried to be strong and move on as I needed to do this for the boy too. Got into a new relationship but looking back I wasn’t ready for it. As time past I realised that the relationship wasn’t going anywhere and all this time I kept crying and crying over my late husband because he knew me better which am not finding with my new relationship. The only problem is that am pregnant but not ready to settle with the new man as soon many things ain’t right. But the thing is, I keep crying over my late husband each time I feel very emotional. I remember the great times we had and how he treated me while I was pregnant, the love the care which is not there with this pregnancy. I think am depressed to be honest. But hanging in there for the unborn baby and my Son.
    I felt like I needed to let this out.
    Sheen.

  • Jackie

    April 4th, 2016 at 2:17 PM

    Hi Rich,
    You were sounding a bit better in other postings. This is just a horrible place to be, I just seem to not be able to find comfort anywhere really, I guess my cat gives me some comfort, pets are good things, animals in general. Did any of you ever realize what a difficult time this would be ? We all have known people that have lost a spouse, I don’t know what I could possibly have been thinking before this, how do they seem to heal after some time, they must I am truly hoping. I feel like I am in a world of nothingness without my Mark in it. I just go around in circles, hoping to get through one day, I can’t do this “getting through one day” forever. Such a difficult thing, at least others in the same situation are there to listen.

  • Angela

    July 23rd, 2016 at 4:53 PM

    I lost my husband five weeks ago. He had liver failure and then multiple organ failure. He spent 5 weeks in shock trauma icu on life support. I can remember the last evening he spent at home. He had been ill ,had liver damage but he was seeing a specialist and changing his diet and doing everything the doctors told him to do. That morning his feet were really swollen and the week before he had a hard time walking and that morning he had labored breathing. I told him he needed to go to the e.r. and get checked out. He was afraid to go and thought I was rushing him out of the house. I thought they would keep him at the most a few days , give him oxygen and then he would come home. He had ups and downs in the icu but he never came home. I watched him take his last breath . I am sad and angry , I miss him so much . I am not angry with him but I am disappointed that God did not spare his life. He tried to survive he fought 5 weeks and then he just slipped into a coma and his organs shut down. Now I 4 young children one of whom is a infant and 17 years of memories. If I didn’t have my children I would want to join him. Every day is just another day with out him. I pretend for my children to be ok because they need me to be. I feel like my friends wouldn’t understand and would see me as a downer. I just want him back.

  • Rich S.

    April 5th, 2016 at 5:17 AM

    Jackie:
    Speaking about cats I just let Janet’s cat “Poodles” in. Janet said if something happened to her I would spoil the cat. She was right again.
    I was having a bad day when I left the post. I picked up an antique glass and oak cabinet at the auction for upstairs. When I brought it home we put it in the dining room temporarily. I could hear Janet saying the cabinet is staying right there. Janet collected old glassware, plates and the Polish plates that they sell on QVC. Well, I filled the cabinet with the excess pieces she had and it looks as though she did it. Must have been giving me direction.
    I will never get over Janet as you will never get over Mark. When someone says “one day at a time” I think they have to be kidding. There seems to be no escape from this living hell.
    Rich

  • Jackie

    April 5th, 2016 at 8:35 AM

    Hi Rich,
    We will never forget them, I also think when someone says one day at a time, what are they talking about, I sort of live one hour at a time right now trying to get past that hour. I am happy you are spoiling your cat, Janet would have wanted that. Animals are wonderful and I am sure that Poodles misses Janet. I am happy you bought the cabinet and arranged everything, you are right I am thinking that Janet was silently telling you where to put things. It is a living hell, maybe we should try to find some humour in the living hell – I don’t know where but maybe somewhere. Thank you for listening. PS – I am spelling humour, the Canadian way, well because I am from Canada.

  • Shirley O

    April 5th, 2016 at 4:21 PM

    Hi Rich and Jackie and everyone else in this living hell were all in -yes some days its hard just ttake a breathe-one second at a time but what else can we do to survive this torture -do we want to survive?We are reminded from the moment we wake up what happened,what were missing and even in dreams cannot find peace or understand what’s happening to me-I’m so lost,I feel so empty afraid of this life-if you can call it that-this hell on earth without our loved ones how are we meant to survive–I don’t know anything else always together never apart till now…………….I have even thought about driving into the wall instead of going home to an empty house-I have had to take the medication my GP gave me- my body cannot take any more I need help to get through the day and night and as you said to me Rich to give them a try -now I have -have you or anyone else experienced panic attacks so scary when you’re all alone happens mostly at night exact same time my hubby passed away I re-live the moment in slow motion I try and piece together the moments before and after-why did I wake up at 5 he died few minutes later from a massive heart attack no warning nothing did I do enough waiting for help to arrive could I have done more I play this over and over in my mind Its a living torture……………I hope the medication kics in soon I’m mentally and physical exhausted I don’t feel like eating no appetite no nothing,have not had a good nigh’t sleep since,how could I…………….I hope medication works soon-I have had enough……………………………….everything I try to do seems pointless…………………I thought you could die from a broken heart………………………………………………….

    Several hours have passed must have fallen asleep maybe the medication starting to work – I was just thinking Jackie about what you said in your last post about finding some humour-but where can you in grief just dosen’t happen but maybe it does starting with what people have said to me so here goes-
    “Well life goes on”-Wow does it well big thanks for that did you think I was not aware that life was to continue in its natural form-thank you so much for pointing that out to me”.
    “”You lucky and should feel grateful for what you have”-What-its you who’s lucky and should be grateful right now that I’m not a violent person!.
    “It could be worse”-Could it? really?I don’t know about that.My husband is dead forever.I’m pretty sure that is the very definition of “worse” and what’s the point of saying that anyway?Is that supposed to make me feel better somehow?Because it f……g doesn’t at all!!
    “You are looking better-gad to see you’re better…….”I’m looking better-better than what and yes thankfully I am all better now I that I took my medication and I have rested up and wouldn’t you know the pain and hurt of grief just all went away,just like that it’s a miracle!!!Now please excuse me I need to go and take my ‘GRIEF BE GONE’ pills so I can remain all better from now on……………if only!!!!!
    “You are too young to be a widow”-You are so right,they must have made a mistake I will have to complain to the widow authorities-you wouldn’t have their tel no so I can sort it straight away now.
    “Youre still young maybe you’ll find someone else”-That is of course what’s on my mind and heart right now after my my husband’s death-how dare you all I want is for him to come back I don’t want anyone else ever-its no wonder we learn a new language in grief called swearing!!!!!
    “Time has passed now you need to get over this”-Get over what?LOVE?.Get over the person that I vowed to love forever and spend the rest of my life with?Get over this-that’s not possible. I don’t think you have ever been in love before if you can say this to me-this wasn’t a divorce.He DIED .I will always ,always love him-until the day I stop breathing and beyond.Get over this isn’t an option…………
    “You need to move and maybe move house”-Move on from where and where should I move to or does that mean you want me to stop talking about him -that’s never going to happen-we keep the people we love alive by carrying them with us and telling their story seems you don’t understand that so maybe yes I need to move on away from you-I feel him close here,here is us,I know no other life and I am staying put…..
    Yes Jackie maybe there can be humour way people offer their so called helpfull advice at our time in need.
    Can you,Rich or anyone else maybe add your experiences of things people have said to you and the way you would have liked to answer them differently if only………………….

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    April 5th, 2016 at 4:50 PM

    Dear Shirley,

    Thank you for your comment. We are sorry to hear of your recent loss. Grief can be a very difficult emotion to cope with. The GoodTherapy.org Team is not a substitute for professional advice, but we encourage you to reach out. Speaking to a therapist or counselor, if you are not already doing so, may help you address and manage these painful feelings.

    You can locate a therapist or counselor in your area here:
    http://www.goodtherapy.org/international-search.html

    We would also like to provide you with some crisis information. If you experience thoughts of suicide, feel overwhelmed, or feel in any other way that you are in crisis, please contact local law enforcement or visit your nearest emergency room.

    Samaritans, a UK-based organization, also offers crisis support. You can talk to someone simply if there is something troubling you. More information is available here:
    http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us

    Please know you are not alone. Help is available.

    Kind regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Rich

    April 5th, 2016 at 5:15 PM

    Shirley:
    Ditto, Ditto, Ditto
    My friends call and try to reason with me from their point of view. No fault of theirs, they are just trying to help and can’t comprehend what this hell is really like.
    Rich

  • Vivian

    April 5th, 2016 at 7:27 PM

    Dear Shirley,
    You are saying what I am feeling. If you could die of a broken heart, I would not be here. I know that I will go on but my life will never be the same. It’s like someone broke me in two. My dreams, my hopes, my true joy is gone. Nothing tastes the same, feels the same, sounds the same. I am truly making an effort to function. I am going to a yoga class twice a week. It is a big effort for me not to cancel just before class, but I go, mostly because I need to stay healthy so I can be independent. I don’t want to live with anyone. My daughter has been living here for the past 6 months with her husband and daughter and I am ready for them to move. (so are they by the way). I need my space, my alone time to cry when I want to, yell, get angry and simply not have to put on a face. She is really sweet but does not understand that I really would rather be alone. She told me today that I shouldn’t lock myself in the house. I didn’t want to get into an explanation but… Anyway, I look at the photos of us and of me all the 34 years we were together and the joy in my face is so obvious. He was my love, he IS my love and will be forever. Now, I don’t even want to be photographed but when I am, usually with my granddaughter, I am but a shadow of who I used to be.
    Today was one of my angry days. I just wanted to scream for someone to tell me this has all been a terrible nightmare.
    But I wake up each day and try my best because it’s what he would have wanted. However, he had no idea what he was asking. So I do all the things I should, I shower, I clean, I go to the supermarket, I visit my Dad in Miami (he’s 92), take my granddaughter to school but it’s all a huge effort. I also spend certain days in bed and cry all day. I don’t care anymore what “well meaning people” say, I just say I’m better and cut them off. They don’t understand and couldn’t possibly so why try.
    I talk about him to whoever will listen. He was the most amazing human being I have ever met. How can people expect me to be better? We had 34 years of closeness, love, and affection. We never fought, life happened and we had difficult times but it was never about us. There wasn’t one second in our life together that I ever regretted. I was so proud to be his wife. So how can anyone expect me to ‘be better’ ‘get on with your life’ ‘find a new normal’ Really??

  • Jackie

    April 6th, 2016 at 5:59 AM

    Hi Everyone,
    So walking along on this journey I am finding new things to think about and miss. It is like another door opening and you walk through it to new sadness. I am realizing that my history is gone. Shared stories, everyday life experiences the past things like” “remember we were in California and got lost in a very iffy neighbourhood”, remember this, remember that. Yesterday I forgot my wallet at home and got gas, no wallet. I would have called home, and asked Mark to bring my wallet, now there is no back up plan. My route to work has been under construction for months, it is finally open, I would have been able to share that, he would have known how much I hated the detour. Now no one shares your details of your life. How do we move on, it is like your life has been erased. If anyone has any thoughts on this or also feels like this – please share ?

  • Rich

    April 6th, 2016 at 9:03 AM

    I got in the car about a half hour ago, went to the end of my driveway and asked where I’m I going? Normally Janet is besides me giving letting me know we have to go to Flemington or Target or just a nice lunch somewhere local. I sat there for a few minutes turned around and came home.
    Her ashes are in the house for now and when I leave I tell her where I am going and say see you in a little while and if I don’t come back I’ll see you sooner.
    Sometimes I wish sooner was now.

  • Janice

    April 6th, 2016 at 9:18 AM

    Dear Jackie–your message resonated with me this morning–my mind was on the same path and I remembered writing the following last fall, a month after my husband died :
    “When you lose your spouse, half of your memory bank has been deleted as well. There is no more “do you remember when…?” or “who was…”? or “what was…”? Primary source gone. Obliterated. Vanished. I’m finding that more and more as I face this aloneness–I have no backup–it’s my memories now, often incomplete and no longer clarified or enhanced by my husband’s recollection of a place or time…” I am relating to everyone’s words–my life is colorless, flat, lacking joy and I cannot fathom continuing my life in this condition! I am just existing–doing the essentials, but feel no change after five months of grieving!

  • Jackie

    April 6th, 2016 at 1:43 PM

    Hi Janice,
    It has been 7 months for me, and it is almost worse now. It doesn’t really leave my head. You said it exactly, flat, no joy and colourless ( I am Canadian, we spell things differently) ! Back up is gone, rescuer is gone, source of comfort, wiped out completely. Like the hard drive on your computer , just gone – no point of reference. No one else cares, if my detour is now gone, or that I am excited because something new opened in our city, or something happened in politics. I am following your political situation, I live in a border city right near Michigan. So , there was a primary yesterday, we were very interested politically. No one to share what DT said, or HC said, no deep meaningful conversation, just blank. How do we figure this out, I really want an answer. Thank you so much for understanding what I am saying . People who haven’t been through this can’t understand it.

  • Shirley O

    April 6th, 2016 at 2:39 PM

    Yes Rich I know that feeling getting in the car no-one beside you then wait-wait for who or what,start the engine reverse out of the drive then drive back in again-so many times I’ve done this with no idea where I wanted to go -when I’d get in the car Ieu was always at my side either we’d be dinning out,shopping,days out,just going somewhere or anywhere but always together-get in the car and off we’d go-just not the same anymore ……………now I get in the car,get out and go back home………….
    My husband loved his food we’d go food shopping together-not the same cooking for one………………
    For weeks afterwards I still made sure I bought his favourite food and drink-just incase-I was in denial and coul not get out of the habit of choosing what he liked only to be thrown away again and again………now I only get the essentials i have no interest in food-no appetite just a continous empy sickly feeling in my stomach-sure we all have learnt to live on snacks,toast and more toast,cereal,bananas and milk-something that can be done quickly,takes no effort and that you don’t sit at the dinning table too long looking at an empty chair his place- he loved mealtimes- all of the family around the table or just the both of us-he enjoyed his food…………..I loved cooking for Ieu-I hate cooking for one……………………………..my life has changed completely -every single aspect of it unrecognisable and I don’t want to be here

  • Rich

    April 6th, 2016 at 3:54 PM

    Jackie, Janice
    I thought I was the only one with a perfect marriage, no one could miss their spouse more than me, From your posts (and others) I think we miss our spouses with the same intensity, our entire being and then some.
    Janice, your last paragraph is so true. The joy is gone and not coming back.
    I haven’t eaten Beef or Pork in 36 years. Most everyday was chicken for lunch and dinner and it didn’t bother me. Now Chicken and the occasional fish have become boring even with my limited appetite. I wondered what changed and realized I always had lunch and dinner with Janet. she was my focus, everything else was secondary . Thinking about it I haven’t had bagels, Chinese food or Chocolate since 12/21/16. Now, even the joy of having a good meal is gone.

    Rich

  • Rich

    April 6th, 2016 at 4:18 PM

    Shirley:
    Just saw your last post after I left one for Jackie and Janice. Lunch and Dinner is the same thing for me as well.
    Rich

  • Rebecca S. R.

    April 6th, 2016 at 10:34 PM

    just skimming here now as you all echo my feelings so much it’s….amplification.

    i am working to do some things….get my husband’s papers to an archive…..functioning in the not all there way we function. and so slow, so sad. i want to die of grief. it is my wish. i do not like to be in the world without my beloved. some of you seem to feel like i do. so we suffer together and wish each other well….

    i have another problem..i’m a jew and passover is coming. i have plans but want to stay home and hide under the covers and hug cats and think about steve and cry. leaning toward that plan. need to call the air insurance ppl tomorrow and see what i did. not sure the day after the half year anniversary of the death of the love of my life, the perfect partner, the one with whom i had one shared life…… not sure that day is good for travel. even to see good friends on a special holiday. i am most comfortable hiding in this home that is ours tho he is gone. i go to the cemetery but i feel steve here. all these things. that mean so much to us. that tell our story. that make me cry. so…d ‘you folks think i should hide here or push myself out? i’m feeling like hiding now. what do you think? thanks and …..suffer as best you can. with help from lorazepam and whatever else helps. i do not want to live long but i need to be here now. i do not need to be at this party any more now that he is gone, you know? i know you know. thanks. and i won’t say be well. i’lll say take care, good grief…… indulge in quality tissues and stay hydrated as we weep together for our separate losses. thanks again.

  • Vivian

    April 7th, 2016 at 9:47 AM

    Dear Rebecca,
    I know EXACTLY what you are feeling but I promised him I would go on. Even though we had no clue what he was asking of me, I will honor his wishes. Now, how do I do that? I function and mechanically do what I think I should do. Aside from the daily chores which I do slowly and sometimes just to get them out of the way, I started going to yoga, and the first few classes, I broke down more than once but thankfully it is a small group and they understand.
    During Thanksgiving I went and had dinner with the family but left shortly after. I realize that I can do things but for a very short time. I love our home and it is my haven. All I get is “you can’t keep yourself cooped up in the house” and they don’t understand that it’s my way of being with him. I prefer to be alone, now that he is gone. I write in a journal but it’s mostly writing to him. There are days that I do stay ‘under the covers.’
    As far as going out, I prefer to go alone. When I do go out to the doctor or do an errand, my car is well stocked with tissues. I have even gone to a movie or two. However, I do it by myself, there is a movie theater called the ‘fork and screen’ that you get served throughout the movie just like in a restaurant, including drinks. It’s like going out to dinner by yourself but you don’t need to talk to anyone and get to see a movie. These I call my brave moments and it also makes my family think I am ok. I am taking a trip soon to visit our son and his family. I haven’t seen them but once since the memorial and our son is having a hard time too. There are moments when I want to back out of the trip but know I really need to go. As much as I hate feeling like I HAVE to do something, I accept that it is right to do it.
    I do realize that I have changed. I have no staying power. I can do things but lose interest quickly. I love to sew but can’t seem to get into it for very long. I used to be able to do it for hours.
    I miss him every moment of every day and I don’t think that is ever going to change but I will keep trying, I will keep taking baby steps until we meet again.

  • Rebecca S.

    April 7th, 2016 at 11:25 AM

    VIVIAN you do know exactly! movies are out of the question for me. i just was on the phone checking on the insurance coverage if i cancel this trip. now i think i should go. i journaled today …..”love to grief to panic”…… and how we had been living love to love to love. shirley says if she could die of a broken heart she wouldn’t be here…i don’t want to be here. i want to die of a broken heart. i loved shared life with my husband and i do not want a new normal. i want the old normal i can’t have. i have a flight scheduled to a passover seder in 2 weeks. it is an important holiday. i am terrified to go, and terrified to stay here and weep under the covers. either way it will be the first passover without steve and it will hurt. i don’t get it with the baby steps either…i don’t want to take any steps. i want to hide. you know? all i want is it not to be true. in 2 weeks it will be 6 months. i saw steve in a dream last night and it woke me . i want him here with me, alive. all i want is what i cannot have. he is my everything. my husband and whole family and best friend. i do not know how those of us who feel this bad can go on. i think there are many widows who die but it is not reported in the paper. a friend who is a psych nurse knew of widows who felt so bad they attempted suicide but failed and landed in the psych ward. if someone is smart….well it is rare that suicide is listed as cause of death. i would never do anything that made that clear. and i think one can die of a broken heart. but right now…..all i know is it is horrible. what we are going through. and i know my husband would not want me to suffer and i feel him weeping with me, for me, and also for his own loss of life, and that we are apart. i do not know how any widow can manage. it mystifies me. this site has given us one another. widows know. we are the best help for one another. thank you. but the very best help would be for it not to be true. to continue the love filled life with my beloved. how do we manage? thank you all who understand. we suffer together as we suffer alone. under the covers is the place for me. he died in this bed, by my side. some times i feel i want to stay where he left me. my digestion is messed up….i do not know if it is nerves or if i am really ill. i’ve lost 20 pounds…i look at food and cry….i want to cook for steve….oddly this week i have eaten a bit more….i am lucky i had spare pounds on me. society should not stress thin ness….in cases of illness or this grief which is a strange illness …one might need those spare pounds. oh i have no attention for movies, no want to do anything without my love…i manage to clean the house and take care of the cats and do the minimum i have to. i try and write his life story, i spend 2 days a week writing but part of each day is frittered away and also all i can seem to write is variations of how much i love him and miss him. you understand. many of you. those i name and others too. thank you for understanding. this suffering is too great for us. love is wonderful. we never know when we are in the midst of it that grief is the price we will have to pay. no one can teach us ” one of you will die first…then what will you do”….no one can prepare us. the horror of it all……….be as well as you can, grief sufferers….we are lucky that we had loves and were loved and that we gave love…….

  • Vivian

    April 7th, 2016 at 1:48 PM

    Rebecca,
    It has been 9 months for me. I don’t know if all my previous comments are listed but I want you to read what I wrote on March 16th. A couple of the people on this blog have connected directly through email. If you would like that, I will be more than happy to talk one on one.
    This is in my room and I truly believe it;
    THE DAY GOD TOOK YOU HOME
    A million times I’ve needed you,
    a million times I’ve cried…
    If love alone could have saved you
    you never would have died.
    In life I loved you dearly,
    in death I love you still.
    In my heart you hold a place,
    no one else can ever fill.
    It broke my heart to lose you
    but you didn’t go alone.
    Part of me went with you the day that GOD took you home.

  • Shirley O

    April 7th, 2016 at 3:48 PM

    *If you can die from a broken heart-why haven’t I died then…………………..why am I still here-I feel my heart is broken into a million pieces shattered beyond repair -how can I still be alive-I’m suffering the mental and physical pain of loosing Ieu and don’t know what to do anymore and how to cope this torment seeing our familiar things in the home we built together everyday reminders of the wonderfull marriage and life we had to be destroyed in a single second -how can it be true,how can it happen,how-I want to wake up from this nightmare a living hell -all I want is his arms around me then I’d know everything would be allright-I ache for his touch,half asleep I put my hand out and reach for his but frantically all I feel is a cold empty space I panic as the realty of him not ever going to be next to me again kicks in and I try and get through another day as somehow onl God knows how but again I’ve survived this cruel foreign unfamiliar land that I am now living in well I wouldn’t call it living but existing and the torment of what was begins again………………..and then if only………………….or what if…………………..or thoughs of what we would be doing right now if only he was here……………and while I still breathe I know this grief will never end and if it dosen’t kill me how can I learn to live with it………………millions have millions will- not sure I can do this though………………………………….just hurts toooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much!!
    Thanks Rich,Jackie,Vivian and everyone else- by sharing our feelings on the intensity of this grief were going through right now can only be of help to us all to try and begin to understand our greatest loss and that we are not alone though this may feel to be the loneliest place on earth without your loved one by your side-thinking of you all……take care……X

  • Jackie

    April 8th, 2016 at 8:35 AM

    Hi Everyone,
    Shirlee, we all know how you are feeling, it is the loneliest place on earth without our loved ones with us. I don’t know how we do it either, quite honestly how do we get better. I miss my Mark so much. I feel I took him for granted and didn’t appreciate how wonderful he was all the time. I don’t know what to do about our horrific losses and how we stop reliving the nightmare over and over. It is horrible – I wish I could say differently but it is just so terribly sad for us and lonely. I do know they would not want that for us, I am sure they are weeping for us and wanting us to do better. A huge part of me is definitely gone and there is a unfillable void and hole in my heart.

  • Rich S

    April 8th, 2016 at 2:07 PM

    Jackie:
    I just signed up for a meeting with Grief Share at an area church. I am not the kind of guy that relies on others for support. Janet was my support and now that she is gone I realize I can’t do this by myself. I’ll try it once and let everyone know if it helped. Maybe there are people out there that can benefit by a group like this.
    I know my life won’t be put back together but I can’t keep taking Lorazapam either. I went with the neighbors for lunch and to pick up my wood splitter at Tractor Supply but when I am with people for more than an hour the anxiety kicks in and I just want to get home. This cannot continue. Janet would expect much, much more from me.
    After I go I’ll let everyone know what I thought. Hopefully it is a positive experience and will encourage others that are suffering to consider this program.

    Rich

  • Vivian

    April 8th, 2016 at 5:52 PM

    Rich,
    I know how that feels. I can’t seem to be with people for too long. Last night went out to dinner with my brother and his wife. They are really great and although they don’t truly understand what it feels like to lose a spouse, they lost a son at age 20. So I feel comfortable with them but after going out, the next day I am a mess. That’s today. All I could think of are all the dreams that will never come true for us. We left so much undone, I fall apart every time I see all these travel commercials of places we dreamt of. But, in truth, I would be happy to just have him here. Even if we sat at home every day, that would mean everything. I miss him so much.

  • Janice

    April 8th, 2016 at 6:25 PM

    Dear All, especially Rebecca, with whom I share some friends in common in my little university town. First of all, Rebecca, as hard as it is, try to keep Passover–even if it’s just to spend some time with friends and family. I think I’m right when I say that everyone who has been writing regularly on this site shares the same intense emotions and difficulties. I have decided there are three major areas serving as catalysts for the depth of my sorrow and grieving–one is the obvious fact that my husband of 46 years DIED. I still cannot believe it and probably say those words every hour. It occurs to me that while death is a part of our lives, it pains me above all that HE had to die and does not know he died. I am struggling with that every day. I know he died–I was there and saw the anguish and pain on his face–forget “surrounded by loving family and friends” as you often read in the paper–he was in sudden cardiac arrest and while he heard me tell him I loved him, it was not a peaceful departure for him. He had been so full of hope and optimism and seemed aware at the very end that something was wrong. It happened SO fast. What did he feel? Was he afraid? I weep now as I imagine his face, briefly aware and then, he was gone. Secondly, while I grieve his death, I now, as you are, reeling from now living without my love. While I can bear some moments of solitude, everything in our little home is filled with memories of our long life together–and I feel such loneliness, seeing it all now. It all seems meaningless and empty, which brings me to the third point–is it worth it to go on? To live? I absolutely hate feeling this abysmal pain and gut-wrenching sorrow every day of my life. It assaults me physically and mentally and takes an enormous toll on my energy–motivation is nearly non-existent and I’m functioning on a very minimal level. Rich, I have been going to GriefShare–it’s very faith-based and while it doesn’t suit everyone, I have gleaned through what I needed and found just being with the small group here very useful and uplifting. I don’t agree with some of it and still haven’t decided, even as a Christian, what happens when we die. If we do move to another realm, that’s great–if not, what can we possibly do about it? So, those are my ramblings for the night. Thanks for reading this–if anyone has! Jackie–I think I read in one of your posts that you lived near Windsor? Is that correct? My husband immigrated to Sarnia from Germany when he was just 14! Love and peace to all of you…Janice

  • Jackie

    April 9th, 2016 at 7:49 AM

    Hi Rich,
    I went to Grief Share too at a local Church, it was to far a distance for me at night so I stopped going and am now going to another group closer to my home. They have a very good workbook that I have kept and read all the time. I think it will be good for you, it is helpful to meet other people in the same horrible situation. At our Grief Share, each table had a leader that had been through the loss of a spouse. I know what you mean, if I go to someone’s house after a period of time I want to leave. Janet knows you are having a difficult time, she wouldn’t expect more of you, she has more wisdom than we do right now and she knows your pain. She is smiling on you and wants you to get better but is not judging you. She will guide you to get better as you would for if she was left behind. I think it will happen – it has to happen for us, we just don’t see it yet. I agree that you will not want to take Lorazapam forever, I have a prescription for Xanax but I haven’t filled it yet, although I probably should have. I am so happy you are going to Grief Share, just to get out and meet other people that have experienced a loss is helpful. Janet is cheering you on, I know she is.
    Jackie

  • Jackie

    April 9th, 2016 at 12:49 PM

    Hi Janice,
    My husband died of sudden cardiac arrest also, it was so quick he I don’t know what he was thinking, we were walking, he said wait a minute and then he fell. It was just so horrible, I am thinking about it all the time, but seem to only be able to picture it in small pieces. He had a heart condition for many years, and we were both sick that past week with the flu. Yes, I am from Windsor and Sarnia is not that far from here, about an hour if you go the Michigan way. I have friends in Sarnia. We are all linked somehow, now in grief but probably also in the 6 degrees of separation as they say. Just living day by day, hour by hour really. I am now wondering if this is all there will be in life from now until we are together again. Is anyone else thinking that ? I don’t want to be selfish but we are the ones left and living like this forever will be so difficult, if not impossible.

  • Shirley O.

    April 9th, 2016 at 3:16 PM

    Hi Rich I wish you peace and the support you need from your Grief Share group -will be interesting reading your comment once you’ve been-there are no support groups in my home town I wish there was one as it can only be good thing to talk about this agonising grief were all going through and give support to each other along the way.

    Hi everyone-does any one of you live in Wales?

    *I know that awful feeling when you have returned home having spent time amongst company the reminders of what was etc although when you are with them it does helps pass the time but after a while you feel you want to escape and you must get back home but then when you get home alone it then suddenly hits you and your mind goes into overdrive the realization that your entire life now changed forever gone and the time just spent and witnessed was the norm for us before my nightmare journey began-feels now I’m doing this alone so strange,hard going,leaves me drained confused feels wrong… I don’t know how to explain it all I know its hard to be’just Shirl’ when it always been ‘Ieu♡Shirl’… since I was 15yrs old when we first became a couple-happily married for 40yrs… when Ieu passed away suddenly @ 60yrs old… I only know how to be a couple -I only know us ‘Ieu♡Shirl’… I do not know where I fit in this world anymore… I feel so lost… does anyone understand what I’m trying to say… sometimes I don’t understand any of this… I don’t know who I am anymore…

  • Rebecca S. R.

    April 9th, 2016 at 11:18 PM

    dear sufferers, we understand each other and no one else does. we will be unhappy forever. most of us. i’m not at a half year yet. it’s saturday night now… time for bed. i had my weekend meltdown… i too don’t know how nor want to learn how to be anything but a couple. i loved our shared life. i do not want to be a widow. i can’t imagine staying sad and going on. i hang on now to honor my husband – to get his papers to an archive… to get a stone designed over his grave… i do love our cats. now the flowers bloom in our iowa yard. what we planted together has spread out over years. but he is not here to see it with me to talk with me… to be together… and i get sadder every day. nothing helps. i go to some individual grief counseling. nothing will ever help unless time can go back and we can save steve’s life and our shared life. i do not want to be in this world much longer. i have things to do and i function so inefficiently with sadness… and i get tired easily… yesterday after normal house cleaning i was exhausted… together we were to joyfully fix up our old house and get ready for the “final quarter”, of things being easier, some retirement, and simple pleasures together… which was stolen by his death… and now i do not want to be here without him. i wonder if my own attitude and stress and the mind body connection will take my life from me… it does’t feel like life but for hugging kitties… i miss my beloved so… we were a team, a shared life… i imagine no improvement… your sadness reflects mine back to me… one day i will find some way to exit this existence. my love and i would say to one another “you are my home in the world”. some people say you should have had more gal pals or lunch dates… but we had busy lives and cherished our alone time together. i don’t want a lunch date. i want the love of my life, my soul mate, to live out the years of life he had in him, and to be by my side… but it will not happen… i cannot imagine how i can go on living without him for very long. i feel my mouth turned down. i think my smile muscles are broken. my digestion is all messed up either from stress or because i have a health problem, i don’t know. i just know life is beautiful but without my love who loved me… i don’t want to be here. not for long. i think you understand. we struggle so… be as well as you can, which is not very, right????? good dreams to whoever can find them..the waking world is a dream gone wrong…

  • Jackie

    April 10th, 2016 at 8:57 AM

    Hi Shirley,
    I know exactly what you mean , I met Mark at 15 as well. My whole adult life has been spent as a couple – my teen years too. The other day I was thinking of people that were going to be invited somewhere, I kept counting myself as a two. I just can’t believe that I am now a one. I also don’t know where to fit anymore. I feel lost , I don’t really clean my house anymore because I think why do it for just me, like I am invisible. I look at all my nice things that I used when I had guests and think, well I might as well give them away now because when could I possibly use them. I know exactly what you are saying. I felt a little stronger today, during the first few months I would go to Starbucks and be in a state of shock really, I felt everyone must be thinking who is that sad, lonely looking woman sitting here by herself on a Sunday. For me Sunday’s are the hardest days. I went this morning and I felt a bit stronger. Maybe we should all share something good that has happened to us, even if it is something really small. Maybe we could try to turn this around a little, we are the only ones that are able to do that for ourselves, our spouses would want that, we would want that for them. Think of one good thing that you did over the weekend, and post it !

  • Rich S.

    April 10th, 2016 at 2:18 PM

    Jackie:
    I just came back from a friends birthday party. I drove 25 miles to his house and was going to drive by his street at the last minute since I was feeling quite anxious. I turned in took several deep breaths and walked in. I did it because Janet would not want me sitting at home. Maybe it’s the first step of many.
    I contacted a local church that has the grief share groups and they responded and will call me this week. Now I’m getting cold feet about going. Janet would want me to do anything that gets me better.
    Rich

  • Scott J

    April 10th, 2016 at 7:17 PM

    I can relate to what many are saying here. I lost my wife on 2-3-2016 after 4o years of marriage. A part of my life has been ripped out of me and I have no idea on how to move on anymore. I stay active yet everything I do feels meaningless, much like putting a bandaid on an amputated arm. I have no desire to live anymore because she WAS my life. My chest hurts like crazy…broken heart…and no one around me seems to really care. To them, my wife’s dying is an inconvenience or a minor bummer, yet to me, my life has ended.
    Everyone tells me to keep busy, yet that doesn’t help. I have tried doing things with friends, but I am the third wheel all the time. The hardest part is that they go home as a couple and I go home alone…again. I have punched holes in the wall because of my anger at her leaving me. I know it’s stupid but I don’t know what to do.
    I would gladly die tonight so that I can be with her again and that has been my desire for the past two months. I’m not suicidal, I just miss her so much.
    People tell me that it will get better with time, yet for me the pain gets worse every day. I’m lucky if I can go 30 minutes without thinking of her. She’s the last thing I’m thinking about when I go to sleep and the very first thing on my mind when I wake.
    In church today that had us hold hands with the person next to us for a prayer. As fate would have it, the person next to me was a woman. It was the first time since my wife died that I have held hands with a woman. I’ve been crying most of the day since then. My wife and I held hands all the time.
    I never knew I could cry so many tears.

  • Kathy

    April 11th, 2016 at 5:49 AM

    Scott. You are so on target with your feelings and emotions. I too was married for 40 years. My Steve passed away 3 years ago. I can tell you I really didn’t care about living anymore. What for? Who cares? My husband wanted me to call when I left work so he could know I would arrive home safely. You no longer feel like going with other couples. It’s just feels uncomfortable. The truth is sink or swim. Somehow God gives us the strength to get through one day at a time. I still cry (and very intensely sometimes) particularly Sunday’s which was family dinner day, kids and grandchildren. When a certain song comes on or something triggers a memory but time does lift the intensity of those moments. I would give anything to have him back but we know that isn’t happening. My husband wanted me to enjoy life. He told me so. I am giving it the college try. I’m now volunteering, joining a walking group and staying connected with his family. All the best to you all. my husbands favorite saying to all was “God loves you and so do I”

  • Vivian

    April 10th, 2016 at 10:02 PM

    Dear Scott,
    If one more person tells me, ‘it will get better with time’ I will scream. It’s been 9 months and one week since he died. It’s not better. I miss him more every day. I do things but can only do them for a short time before I just want to be alone. Without him my life is joyless. My husband and I held hand all the time too! It was a thrill every time. Our love was beyond my wildest dreams. I keep trying to do things I used to love to do but I lose interest right away. We were always together. He was the one who consoled me and comforted me throughout our 34 years together. Now what? I actually have gone out with my family and I always feel so lost, really lonely without him even if I am surrounded by people. I am no comfort to you but know that you are not alone. So time has not really healed. I often get told to find a new normal but I don’t want a new normal, what’s normal about my better half gone??

  • Rebecca S. R.

    April 10th, 2016 at 11:18 PM

    hi people just thinking reading new posts that whatever our loves want for us or would want..we have to move only as fast as we can. in my case very slow. so glad i live with cats. we all ( miao miaos and me) miss our man but i especially have been having a hard time in this spring the season of the birth of our relationship 36 years ago. still equivocating about going on a trip for jewish holiday. the week will unfold and let me know. i am getting something out of hiding out and doing things i have to at home, and walking. and having some contact with understanding souls —thank you all

  • Janice

    April 11th, 2016 at 1:05 AM

    Scott, the first thing is–you found this site and the stories which share all that you described. We all carry the same pain. Whether it has been a year, two months or a day–the deep sorrow we feel is the same. My husband died five months ago ; we were married for 3 mo. shy of 47 years. Be prepared to know that you are just beginning–it does not get better. You learn to cope, but as I have often written, all the joy has left my life. I try to focus each day on the blessings of the life we shared and that strengthens me, but the tears never, ever end. The people who keep writing here are so special and are here for you. You are not alone. We know.

  • Rich S.

    April 11th, 2016 at 5:42 AM

    Scott:
    After being together 34 years my wife passed on 2/3/2016, same date as your wife.
    The difference for me is that I don’t feel anger just tremendous disappointment that we didn’t have more time together.
    As for holding the women’s hand in church, at Janet’s memorial I had a number of women hug me. I was never a hugger except with Janet and I realized how much I missed that simple act of affection. I grab Janet’s cat every now and give her a big squeeze while she struggles to get away from me.
    I am going to try a group called Grief Share, however, just like you I am ready to join Janet in a moment. I told my friends and family that if something happens to me don’t mourn because I would be so very happy.
    Rich

  • Jackie

    April 11th, 2016 at 6:11 AM

    Hi Scott, & Rich and everyone !
    Scott, we all know how you feel, we are unfortunately living it each day too, we are walking in your shoes. It is horrible. You are right whatever we do seems like doing it just for something to do, not actually living our “real life”, but like a fake thing to do, something to kill time. All of us on this site understand what you are saying. The only thing I can say is that they would want us to be happy, would want us to try – we would SO want that for them. Friends think that by now we should be better, it is hard to be better when your world has been taken away from you. They are all still walking in the same world while we are on another planet. Rich, I am so happy that you went to the friends house, and you are right Janet would not want you to be sitting home alone doing nothing . I have been really thinking about that lately that Mark would have probably done his things, exercise, etc., I think he would have and I would be so angry if he was just sitting there upset and sad, I would be crying from heaven knowing that. We don’t want them crying from heaven because we are so sad, we owe it not only to ourselves but to them, to try – they are always with us making us move forward the best we can. We love them so much, we can’t let them down now.

  • Scott J

    April 11th, 2016 at 10:24 AM

    Thanks to all for the kind words. I too like Rich, was not much of a hugger except with my wife, Minnie, but I sure did love hugging her. All my cares seemed to melt away when I held her in my arms. I get hugs from my daughter and granddaughter, but it’s not the same. When we first got married, looking forward 40 years seemed like an eternity, now however when I look back on those same 40 years, it seems as if it was only moments that we had together.
    I can’t seem to sleep anymore either, which I’m told is normal, and it’s probably because we always fell asleep holding hands.
    One if the challenges for me is that she went so quickly. She was in the hospital because the doctors thought she had pneumonia and they kept telling us/me that she would be fine, then Friday morning they tell us her heart was failing and there was nothing they could do. Five days later she died. I didn’t get a chance to really say goodbye or talk with her much because she was so weak. The thousands of things I wanted to say to her are still left unsaid. It’s hard to let that stuff go.
    I know I’ll see her again someday, though that day can’t come too soon for me.
    I attended a wake for the husband of one of my nieces last Friday and that brought all the hurt and pain flooding back into my life. I know, as do all of you folks, the pain that my niece is now feeling. Maybe in helping her grieve, I might be able to heal some.
    One can hope.
    Thanks again to all of you.

  • Shirley O

    April 11th, 2016 at 2:43 PM

    Hi Scott and friends,touched my heart when you mentioned holding hands-i always held Ieu’s hand and knew the moment he died when he did not squeese my hand back and in an instant I knew my life had changed forever also I remember seeing him afterwards and held his hand was so cold that was not my Ieu-we’d been married for 40 wonderfull happy years -people said how lucky I was memories to treasure forever but I wanted 40 more……………
    I have had picture etched of’ our holding hands’ engraved on his stone and words inscribed above in Welsh our first language-I shall walk with you and hold you hand forever ……………
    Hence why when you mentioned holding your wife’s hand it touched my heart as I know excactly what you mean……………I miss his hugs and his closeness and every second of every day there’s something else I miss about Ieu it does not get better but somehow you learn to live with this agonising painfull,unfamiliar new world your in without your soulmate,your love,your best friend by your side,your life gone in a blink of an eye changed forever-me,you and everyone else here our lives now changed forever,I died also-I don’t know who I am anymore……….yes I’m still Ieu’s wife in name but how can I be that person now – without him here next to me holding my hand…………..we were always a couple-two hearts beating as one,did everything together I know nothing else-I don’t want to be alone-I hope you understand what I’m trying to say -all I know is how much I’m hurting its because I miss him more as each day passes………………..it does not get better-how do you learn to live without your love?
    We are all here being truthfull saying it as it is helping each other along -we all cope differently-we all have known true love why we are now struggling and in so much pain mentally and physically-its exhausting and I cannot think or look ahead because I am so scared what about you……………..

  • Rebecca

    April 11th, 2016 at 5:19 PM

    this is hell on earth is it not?and it is not going to get better? there are other sites where people talk about beating the grief monster. and going to meet ups. nope. i fit in here. is not this the site of misery? is that not our fate? btw there was a good article on fear being a big component of grief. anyway this suffering is not what i would call managing or living, would you? and should i even say be well? as you can be? which might not be much. and do very little when you are overcome. and tears are a need for hydration. oh my. hydration. as if it was as simple as more water……more you my love. more you. we all say it. more years of you. whoever your you is…we want more years of our person….and are thus forever sad…is that it? the distillation of the commonality of the suffering? y or n or other….i think it’s Y.
    :.(……….

  • Jackie

    April 12th, 2016 at 2:17 PM

    Hi Rebecca,

    I don’t want to disagree with you, but I do think we have to have some hope to get the strength to do this, to walk through it and to emerge and I have to say I certainly don’t know when, nor can I say how we do it, but we have to take that walk, on shaky ground with tears everyday, and much sadness, but we have to do it. We have a common bond, and yes it is truly horrible the worst thing that I can imagine, but we do need hope and we have to support everyone in a way that can lift us up. So hoping that we do get some comfort at some point. We just have to do it for our person.

  • Shirley O

    April 12th, 2016 at 2:58 PM

    My birthday today not in much of a mood to celebrate-no morning cuppa a birthday kiss-no…….no………….no…………..no………….no……………I take red roses to his grave-Happy Birthday Shirl -I cry…………………..
    Friends call take me out to lunch then later daughters and grandkids make a special meal and a birhday cake -my little grandaughter so excited blowing out the candles as my eldest grandson said make a wish Naini (Welsh name for Grandma) but don’t tell or it won’t come true……………………I make a wish-I won’t tell but I know it won’t come true-never…………………………ever……………………………………..
    My daughters and grandkids are the only reason I’m still here………………………….I miss Ieu sooooooooooooooooooooooo much I do not know how I’ve survived till now my heart is broken-I just want him back-I want to be with him……………nothing will ever be the same……………………I remember his last birthday his 60 …………………celebrating with the family the photos show how happy we all were was to be our last photos together as our complete family……………little did we know -there was no warning nothing that just a few weeks afterwards our lives changed forever -now family Birthdays would never be the same again………………..one person missing and our family has fallen apart -he held us together……………..but life goes on as everyone keeps telling me…………but I feel stuck……..I don’t want Birthdays without him…………….I don’t want any day to be without Ieu…………………

  • Ann

    April 14th, 2016 at 3:48 PM

    Hi there Shirley, I lost my husband on December 1st 2015, we had been together for 39 years. Every day I cry but today has been especially bad, I feel guilty that I had to let my husband, my best friend, pass away. I agreed to the removal of his supportive care because he had severe brain damage. He was in a coma and didn’t wake up, I feel so empty as though I have no substance, all that I was went with him on that terrible day. I know what you mean about birthdays, I’m not looking forward to mine, can’t face it without him. I know how you feel, our lives were turned upside down and we are trying to make sense of it all. We feel very alone but we are not alone on this site. Please keep in touch, my thoughts are with you.

  • Rich S.

    April 13th, 2016 at 7:22 AM

    Went to a Grief Share meeting last night.
    There were about 17 people, all very nice. There was a mix there that included loss of brother, grandfather, child, friends and only me with a loss of a spouse. From my previous comments you may know that I lost both parents in 2006 to an accident. As an only child and took it very hard. But as hard as that was it was nothing compared to losing Janet. I know these people are suffering but I just can’t relate to them. I think I’m worse now than when I went in. I can’t seem to find a grief group that focuses just on widowers. Does anyone know of one? I live in NJ and would drive several hours to the right group. Sloan has one but it is online.
    Thanks,
    Rich

  • Jackie

    April 13th, 2016 at 8:24 AM

    Hi Rich,
    I started with grief share too, but it was far and it was a mix of losses. Not that one loss seems greater when you are going through it, but the loss of a spouse is just horrible. I am so sorry about your parents and as an only child I can relate, to feeling just unconnected in the world. I don’t have children either. The world feels very scary right now. I also feel worse now and it has been 7 months. I am in a spousal loss grief group now, and everyone has lost a spouse. It is so hard to explain the difference in this loss. In the loss of a parent it is just horrible, but you still have your life to go back to. There is not only the loss of your person, in this case, but you have also lost your normal life – how do we create a new life without them, you just want normal to return. This is tremendously difficult. You are right, experiencing other losses there is no loss like this. It invades every waking moment for me. I can’t believe I am in this world alone. I understand completely what you are saying. I wish I new of something in New Jersey for you, maybe someone else will be able to direct you. In the meantime, even though we are online – you have all of us.

  • Scott J

    April 13th, 2016 at 9:54 AM

    Rich, I know exactly what you mean about the grief groups and not being able to relate to those folks. I’ve attended several different groups myself & I also found it hard to relate to someone who had lost their parent/grandparent/sibling, etc. Both of my parents are dead as well and though, like you state, it is hard, it is nothing like losing a spouse. I do understand grief is different for everyone, and I can have sympathy and even empathy for someone who lost a parent/grandparent, yet for them to go on for months and/or years, is hard for me to understand and/or relate to. As far as stupid things people say to us in our grief, I had one friend tell me that he knew what I was going through because he had a cousin die. What do you say to someone like that?
    I am in a grief group now that consists of five guys (including me) all whom have recently lost their wives. It’s facilitated by a pastor, but basically all he does is keep us focused on why we are there. Otherwise it would be just guys talking about stuff to keep their minds off of how they feel and what they are going through. It’s still hard to relate, because we’re guys, yet it is the only group where I come away with a sense that they really understand what I’m going through, what I’m feeling, AND somewhat care about what I’m going through.
    I am also fortunate in that I have one friend who really seems to care about my well being and he is the one who heard about this group and recommended it to me. This group I am now attending, is at a local church and they accepted me into the group even though I don’t attend their church. Might be worth it to call around to the different churches and see if they know of any grief groups. One of Minnie’s aunts, who lost her husband 2 1/2 years ago, was able to find a grief group, that really helped her, through one of the local churches as well.
    Just an idea.
    One of the most helpful things for me right now is just being able to talk about Minnie to someone or listen to them talk about her. I have a few friends that have not talked to me since Minnie died because they don’t know what to say to me or are afraid to talk about her for fear of making me hurt. Don’t they understand? How can we not want to talk about someone who was a part of our life for years and years. Yeah we may cry…so what.
    Talk to us!
    I’ve lost my wife and now I’ve lost friends.
    Scott

  • Rich S

    April 13th, 2016 at 12:41 PM

    Scott:
    My pastor is looking around for a men’s group and so am I. You would think living close to NYC there would be something. While the intentions of the Grief Share group are good I don’t think I will get much out of it.
    As for friends. Funny how many disappear. I make it a point not to call out in case they are uncomfortable but I do have a solid group who are sticking with me.
    Rich

  • Rebecca S. R.

    April 14th, 2016 at 3:52 PM

    terrified re passover is in a week and a day. major jewish holiday. whatever i do it will be without steve and i am terrified. lovely invite to indiana but i am scared to go. scared to stay. the fear and terror component of grief…i don’t know. how to live without steve. so sad this spring without him. go or stay. dare i travel? i am so anxious and i do not trust me to be good company. so weepy. and the holiday is 6 months to the day after we buried my love. the love of my life and i of his. not managing at all. not not not. sigh…….clues?

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    April 14th, 2016 at 4:27 PM

    Dear Rebecca,

    Thank you for your comment. We are sorry to hear of your recent loss. The GoodTherapy.org Team is not qualified to offer professional advice, but we encourage you to reach out. A therapist or counselor can often be helpful and a good source of support if grief becomes overwhelming or difficult to manage.

    You can locate one in your area through our site. Simply enter your ZIP code here:
    http://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

    Please know you are not alone. Help is available, and we wish you the best of luck in your search.

    Kind regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Rich

    April 14th, 2016 at 4:45 PM

    Rebecca:
    I understand what you are going through. I leave the house for daily trips but it is my security blanket so I don’t go too far. In the early days Janet and I traveled extensively in the Northeast but once we settled in on the “farm” that became our focus and I don’t think we went overnight (other than the recent hospitalization) in 16 years.
    I was going to travel to see my nephew’s new home in Florida and buy some new appliances for them, now I’m thinking of flying to Fla in the morning and back to NJ in the evening. Pretty extreme.
    I hope you go to Indiana it would provide encouragement to you and to others like me that need to do break out of the new norm.
    Rich

  • Rich

    April 14th, 2016 at 4:53 PM

    Ann:
    Regarding birthdays, tomorrow is mine.
    I still buy cards for Janet and put them in a mailbox that I have on the woodshed. When Janet was here and she saw the red flag was up she knew I left a card for her. I bought a card for me and wrote a note that I would hope to have come from her and put it in the mailbox, I signed it Love, Janet. Did it a week ago and forgot what it says, Going to open it tomorrow morning.

    Rich

  • Rebecca S. R.

    April 14th, 2016 at 10:15 PM

    happy belated birthday shirley and happy birthday rich. my sad birthday was 10 days ago. i feel like i am watching all that there was to celebrate turn to sad. i am scared to go to indiana. i do not think i am ready to go anywhere without steve. these 4 cats who love and need me…they grieve him too. still on the fence re passover. birthday went by….passsover will be worse wherever i am, indiana or iowa…i imagine weeping in the airport so i think this show is not ready for the road. may = our wedding anniversary…i guess i will lie down beside his grave for that holiday. oh my. this widow thing is not to be wished on anyone. all be well. and happy birthday rich, shirley a bit late…..carry on as best you can…..one breath at a time? barely…..

  • Jackie

    April 15th, 2016 at 6:00 AM

    Rich,
    I hope you have a good birthday, mine was in December and I dreaded it, but it wasn’t as bad as I thought, Marks is coming up in June and am not looking forward to that day. I am sure that your birthday message from Janet is truly her voice to you. I really think they know , I truly believe that. She may not have physically picked out the card, but she was part of the thought behind it. All of us are wishing you a happy birthday.

  • Jackie

    April 15th, 2016 at 6:04 AM

    Hi Rebecca,
    Go for Passover, it will be hard but staying alone won’t be good for you. I also want to be myself on Passover but accepted an invitation for both nights. I will just get through it, they wouldn’t want us to be by ourselves. Steve wouldn’t want you to sit by yourself crying, you wouldn’t want that for him. Go !!

  • Shirley O.

    April 15th, 2016 at 4:53 PM

    Thanks Ann and Rebecca-yes all Birthdays, Anniversaries and any celebration, are all going to be so hard without our loved ones to share. We can only do what we feel on these special days the waves of grief comes without any warning and knocks you completely off your feet, and you are right back to the second your world changed forever. You will never be the same again, and wouldn’t want to be, but somehow must find the strength to ride the waves as they come towards you head on and we must keep our loved ones memories alive.

    I talk about Ieu every day and that’s how it should be he was my life then and still is now. Some friends have abandoned me also, and it hurts but I realize now they just didn’t know what to say or do. If only they had stopped to think because I don’t know what to say or do either. I cannot walk away, but thankfully I have good close friends who are there when I need them, and of course my family. We are all hurting and missing him so much.

    My little granddaughter came out from school today and ran towards me and first thing she said she wanted her Taid (Grandpa) back and why hasn’t he come back home. I hug her and try and explain to her once again. If he could have my darling. he would have, but now he’s a very special star in the sky and before I had a chance to say any more she said, “He must be the shiniest and best star ever,” but she still misses him, and then runs off to catch up with her little friend. But how can you truly explain such a loss to a child when a person they adore and have seen every day has just gone, vanished out of their lives? How can you explain and make them understand, when you cannot explain or come to terms with what happened and don’t understand it yourself?

    My daughters, my grand-kids are grieving also. So hard to help them when I am grieving for him every second of every day. I try to be there for them the best I can… but in my heart all I want to do is be with Ieu… I know nothing else… I don’t want anything else… I fear what’s ahead of me… we has so many plans was going to be our year… now I got no plans… today I cannot even think of tomorrow… baby steps… more like crawling your way through thick sticky fog no idea where you going, don’t really care, no familiar sign posts, nothing the same now, nothing will ever be the same again.

    No wonder I’m lost. We’re all lost, still trying to find our way back. If we want to or not, there’s only forward, we can go now alone… one journey alone I did not expect to be going on not now was going to be our year we’d planned it… so cruelly taken away my love, my life was everything I’d lived for and known… why us… why me… why now… why you… why Ann, why Jackie, why Rebecca, why Rich, why Scott, why Vivian, why everyone here… we have all asked why… someone told me the other day we all miss him so much he was such a character a very special wonderful man. Yes, God takes only the best… can anyone explain this to me as I’ve heard it few times before… you see I cannot understand why would God want me and my family and our little ones to hurt and suffer such pain and loss… makes me angry… I am still looking for someone to blame… deep down I know there is no one… death happens… I died to… this isn’t living… its trying to survive grief a living hell… thanks to everyone here. you know, you understand it helps to share. To tell our stories. Our lives now gone forever… what happens now God only knows… I’ve no idea how to carry on without my love… I wake, I remember, I sleep, I wake, I remember, I sleep again and again… I wake again and again… and I remember again. I’m still here…

  • Scott J

    April 16th, 2016 at 4:35 PM

    Shirley,
    Tears were streaming down my face as I read your letter. You put into words what has been on my heart and mind for the past 10 weeks. Why, why, why God did you take my wife? But, never an answer. Why do all of the good folks die and the jerks live on.
    I had dinner with a friend, of 35 years, last night and I mentioned to him how my purpose in life is gone and that I really don’t know how to carry on anymore without Minnie in my life. He got worried that I was suicidal. :) He doesn’t realize it’s only a broken heart. He also doesn’t realize that he is one of the “rocks” that I have been heavily leaning on since Minnie died. I’m sure he knows it, but I should probably still tell him how much he has helped me. It’s another one of those guy things…it’s hard to tell another guy how much his friendship means to me. Hey, I don’t stop and ask for directions either.
    Thanks again Shirley, for puttingdown in words the feelings in my heart.
    Scott J

  • Jane

    April 17th, 2016 at 8:35 AM

    Shirley, your words could have been straight out of my mouth. I recently reluctantly attended a wedding of a very close friend that my husband and I were supposed to attend together. It will be six months since Eddie’s passing next week. She had a beautiful framed photo of Eddie next to the bridal table, and the thought of him being on a photo and not physically present at the wedding with me brought such strong emotions back. The wave of grief that hit me at the wedding is overwhelming and I have cried daily since and feel I have gone back to that tragic Sunday and everything that happened……It is hard to get past it and I just locked myself indoors since I got back a week ago, and only today did I muster the strength to see people. My in laws, his mum and sister visited and it was good to have them here for a few hours and then it was back to the loneliness and emptiness that only Eddie can fill and he will never be able to……..we had no kids, so I am totally consumed by my grief…..I read all the postings and can relate to how you all feel, others who have not experienced loss of a loving spouse cannot understand our predicament and how it changes us. A part of me died with Eddie. I had no plans on my own, we had plans for a future together, and now those plans died with him. I have no desire to travel like we used to, go out and try different restaurants and cuisines, no interest in movies, shopping for non essentials……just living an existence because I feel empty……

  • Ann

    April 18th, 2016 at 2:20 PM

    Jane, I know exactly how you feel, empty. You took the words right out of my mouth. I feel like the ‘me’ that was went with my husband, I don’t feel like me, I feel I have no substance to me. We are so unprepared for this, the emotions, the hurt, the pain, the emptiness. I just want to give you a big hug, that’s what we all miss, our loved ones supported us and we supported them and now we feel very alone. On this site we all have one another. It has been nearly six months for me too, sometimes it seems longer, sometimes it seems like only yesterday. My thoughts are with you, keep in touch.

  • Shirley O.

    April 17th, 2016 at 2:25 PM

    Hi Scott, Jane and everyone – when I read your comments just now it made me realize you Scott and Jane must be hurting as much as I am because reading your heartfelt words I’not alone – you understood and felt my emotion and what I was saying and all I wanted to do was to hug you both and cry our tears together because if you are hurting as much as me God Help you I thought my pain was indescribable but you do know- shows it does help to share our feelings and know were not totally alone-were all on the same journey through grief hell… and there’s no return journey for us.

    Scott, Jane, Rich, Jackie, Vivian, Ann, Rebecca, Cathy, Janice and everyone else here (though we may not feel it now) but haven’t we been so incredibly lucky to have experienced true love and this is why right now were in so much mental and physical pain-were so desperate to see our loved ones again, to hear that familiar voice, to feel their bodies next to ours, to be hugged and feel alive again and to be ME again… Me and You again… please God just one more time… please just five minutes so I can at least say Goodbye… please … I’m begging you… please… a minute then please… I didn’t get to say Goodbye.

    Then I realize it will never happen You and Me again – I don’t want to believe – I close my eyes so tight so afraid to open to look towards your favorite chair – but the chair remains empty – you are not there – never again going to be You and me – its just me now and an empty chair… you all know how this feels be it an empty chair, empty side of the bed, empty passenger seat, empty heart and buckets full of tears that I cry to have my love back with me one more time – Life’s a bitch right now and don’t we all know it!!!!!

    Thank you all for being here – though I wish we weren’t – guess you all know what I mean – thinking of you all – take care!

  • Ann

    April 18th, 2016 at 2:30 PM

    Shirley, I agree, life’s a b****. It has got me wondering what it’s all about. It’s awful being alone, we are all unprepared for this. It’s like being in the middle of some awful nightmare only this time we can’t wake up! I am sad because I didn’t get the chance to say goodbye, my husband’s last words to me were ‘look after yourself’. I didn’t realise then that we wouldn’t speak again to each other. I am so glad too that we are all here to support each other. I am so sorry about the way you feel, about the way we all feel, we must comfort one another, keep in touch.

  • Shirley O

    April 19th, 2016 at 4:00 PM

    A person asked me today how was I managing to cope because she knows she would never have been able to if it had happened to her…………………………What I felt like saying to her was -.First…. what ****** choice do I have ……….second…. You have no ****** idea of this living hell I’m in and I don’t call it coping to me its just existing and trying to survive each second of each day the best I can……… so don’t say ‘YOU KNOW’ ……..because until it happens to you-you cannot know………….I don’t know how as my heart is broken – shattered beyond repair……..but yes I’m still here……..not my choice-I don’t want to live this life without Ieu-without him here by my side I have lost my soulmate,my love,my best friend ,my everything- no I’m defnitely not coping as you put it ………..I’m here whoever I am……..I don’t recognise this person I’ve become-lost,angry,bitter,paniky, no confidence,afraid -I’ve become the opposite of who I was when Ieu’s wife-he was MY LIFE=OUR♡LIFE together……..this feels like a living death…………..coping don’t think so-what about you?

  • Jackie

    April 19th, 2016 at 4:01 PM

    Hi Jane,
    I understand how you feel, Mark and I also didn’t have children. It is like part of me died too. I just really go hour by hour, and think do I live hour by hour for the rest of my life. I know that when you don’t have children you do so much together, we did everything together, tried new restaurants, excited when new stores opened in our smallish city, travelled. Now I see something opening and cry because he isn’t able to see it with me. Such a difficult thing, we try a little every day but it is difficult the worst thing I have ever been through. I don’t really know who I am anymore without my Mark in my life.

  • Rebecca

    April 19th, 2016 at 5:00 PM

    dear not coping club, i’m in it too. 26 weeks today steve died. i thought i would do something special…find words to write him…plant something….instead i have worse digestive pain ( may be anxiety??), cancelled passover trip….took forever on phone w airline and trip insurance….and took a nap. trying to get up and scoop cat poop. it’s the least i can do. this is half a year. no idea how i can manage. no idea no idea…..with so many of you suffering this sorrow. if that gives comfort….and i do not know if it does…we sufferers are many. oh but i want the old wonderful normal back, as do we all…..be as well as you can….which is not very, for most of us :.(……

    and we don’t read it in the news but…i am sure people die of this. this pain. i am sure…. nature or self takes people away it has too…loved ones merge and cannot go on alone. some can some can’t. just saying. i think i can’t…..

  • Jackie

    April 20th, 2016 at 9:34 AM

    Is anyone feeling this ? As I am still working and in a ridiculously stressful job, I haven’t been able to concentrate. Now I am in a full speed ahead type of mode at work, I am a fundraiser/event planner, with a huge event in two weeks. I have to be in the moment right now, and when I am sort of functioning as before for a while, then I have terrible guilt that makes me cry, because I can work. Plus I know I will sink again when I get home or go to leave work. My Mark was part of my event, he worked so hard on it with me as a volunteer, I don’t even know how I will mange that day without him. So many mixed emotions, it is psychologically damaging all the thoughts that I have right now – is anyone else experiencing thoughts that just play over and over . So lonely. I also feel there is not enough I can do to honour his memory, I just don’t know what to do – we don’t have children and I am so worried he will be forgotten.

  • Rich

    April 20th, 2016 at 11:48 AM

    Jackie:
    I don’t think you will ever forget Mark.
    Janet told me to “quit that stupid job”, which I was financially able to do. While Janet worked for a different company we were able to have lunch together every day. I can’t imagine going back to the office without having the same old routine.
    I went to a GriefShare meeting last night and they said the only way to heal is to experience the pain of an old routine. Suggested you go to your favorite restaurant or shop, go back to work, get rid of her clothes. I question that approach.
    I have Janet’s ashes in the house (will spread them on the property later this year) but I always tell her when I am going someplace and when I’ll be back. Met someone for lunch today and didn’t say good bye to her before I left. Felt guilty and hope that this doesn’t become the norm. She was and still is the most important person in my life. That will never change and I will just have to deal with the emotional aspect of it rather than try to forget her. For me, the sleepless nights, anxiety, and tears are a small price to pay for remembering the joy she brought to my life.

  • Rebecca

    April 20th, 2016 at 1:42 PM

    with you jackie. 100%
    even tho i don’t have a paid job…i have work and it’s the same thing. but i am rarely very functional. us too no kids. my big stressful job is to get my husband’s papers to an archive. it makes me sad. but it is about worrying he will be forgotten—so it is the same and different….which is why i say with you 100%.
    it’s 6 months today for me. i hate widowhood and am in love with my late husband :.(…….
    take it easy….can you tell your job you need help and your mark worked so hard????

    b well.

  • Scott J

    April 20th, 2016 at 3:42 PM

    Jackie, I definitely am experiencing the loneliness you mention. It’s been 11 weeks today since Minnie died and my life ended. My emotions too are all over the board, with lots of thoughts and questions running through my head…some good, others not so much. I never was much of a crier before she died, but I sure am now. I seem to cry at the drop of a hat now too. No matter what I’m doing or who I’m with, I’m still thinking of Minnie and the tears can start flowing at any moment. My concentration is not what it used to be either before she died. I am still doing a few projects around the house, though it takes me a lot longer to do something now because I constantly lose my focus and can’t seem to remember how to do the simplest of tasks.
    I keep hoping that some kind of purpose and normalcy will come back into my life again. People keep telling me that time will heal, but right now, I don’t believe them. Like many of you, I try to keep moving forward and doing “things” just so that I’m busy, yet nothing seems to help. I take lots of walks with our dog, yet it isn’t the same because Minnie would always come with me on our walks. I play a bit of golf, but once again, I have no one to come home to and tell her about my game. All of the little things I used to take for granted have now been taken away.
    How in the world does time heal that?

  • pat

    June 5th, 2016 at 2:51 PM

    I get that Scott. Everything seems pointless now as no-one to tell it to.My husband is the only person who truly got me. This is my first night alone overnight since my husband took his final breath on 25/5/16 and it is a living hell.

  • Jackie

    April 20th, 2016 at 3:52 PM

    Hi Rich and Rebecca,
    Rich, I am happy you are going to grief share, you do feel better even if it is just for a little while. I know what you mean about saying goodbye, I usually kiss Mark’s picture before I leave the house and when I come in the house. Don’t feel guilty it is in your heart even if you didn’t say good bye, she is in your heart and you carry her with you.
    I have been to a few restaurants that we went to, I went alone and was crying. The waitress asked me where my husband was, I told her and knew she was upset. There is a grocery store that we both liked, but I think he liked it more. I haven’t been able to go back, but I really want to, it is on my list of things I hope I can do. So unreal to me, just can’t believe I am in the world alone. Rebecca, I am going for Passover and will be thinking about you- I don’t want to go, but am going. I will think about you and hope you will be okay. I just need to get through these next two weeks. Thank you so much everyone, happy we connected.

  • Jackie

    April 20th, 2016 at 4:01 PM

    Scott, I just read your comments, I am sorry I missed it. I truly understand when you said you go golfing and then there is no Minnie to share your game with when you get home. That is the most difficult part, she would know ( and probably does still know), if you did well, the terrible shots, the great drives etc. That they are not physically with us to share our life , is what people who have not experienced this kind of loss don’t understand. I know it is not the same, but maybe you can share these things with us, we need to share them !

  • Shirley O

    April 21st, 2016 at 2:48 PM

    Hi Everyone,I decided today to try and sort through some of Ieu’s belongins -O.M.G. where to start I went from room to room he’s everywhere but of course this is our home -but do I want to get rid of anything yes I know people keep telling me you must ger rid of his stuff in able to move on-but move on to where-this is where we belong-I don’t want his things to go but everyday I’m reminded its time-but what is time anymore-offers of help to make the process easier-how can it be easier getting rid of my hubby’s clothes etc-more pain and the guilt-am I doing the right thing…………..I don’t know help………………
    I’m keeping his favourite jumper well jumpers-I’m keeping his favourite shirt well there are a few -I’m keeping his slippers where he left them-I’m keeping his jacket next to mine-the ‘I’m keeping pile’ getting bigger than ‘the getting rid of pile’-how can I do this today…………I’m not doing a good job-sorry Ieu but what am I supposed to do-yes I need help-my daughters arrive-they take one look-we hug one another and cry-I say let’s do this another day-too painfull today-though deep down I know that the next day we try its going to be harder………..there’s no time limit in grief-there’s no time limit for when to get rid of clothes,belongings etc…………..but when people tell you this stuff you listen look for guidance-you try- but WHY-afterall how could they know what we should be doing in able to move on -they still have their spouses right there next to them………….
    There’s no right or wrong way in grief-I can only do the best I can here without my loved one…………..and the best I could do today was make two piles-one to keep and one to go but to get rid of only when I am ready…………………..doesn’t matter what anyone else says……………………………………
    I’m sitting in Ieu’s favourite chair and cuddle up with his favourite jumper ………..I smell him near………..please I wan’t to remember the happy times ………………….I cannot take anymore of this heartache and pain ……….I used to be so happy…………..this isn’t me ………but how can I be me without you………….what happened to us -I can never go back-Yes I must try and move forward ………but not today I tried but cannot do this……I’m lost,stuck, frozen in time -its just me and your favourite jumper……………..

  • Vivian

    April 21st, 2016 at 7:23 PM

    Dear Shirley O,
    I couldn’t have said it better.

  • Scott J

    April 22nd, 2016 at 11:46 AM

    Rich, I would also question the advice of getting rid of all of Janet’s clothes, possessions, etc. I’ve had some pretty foolish advice since Minnie died and most of it, I just thank the person, walk away and don’t follow their suggestions. How in the world can someone heal by reliving the hurt over and over again? It makes about as much sense as telling someone who just hit their thumb with a hammer to hit it again, so that you can get over the pain. It makes you wonder where these folks got their training…out of a Cracker Jack’s box?
    As for how difficult it is to go through our spouse’s items, I can definitely relate. Minnie loved her crafts and was always making something new and different, so I had built her a special closet for all of her craft items, which of course she promptly filled. Well my daughter and I started going through it the other day, in an attempt to clean it out, but instead, after looking at everything; we ended up putting it all back in the closet. Maybe in three to five years we’ll be able to go through it and clean it out. We shared a lot of tears going through Minnie’s treasures, yet we had smiles and laughter too.
    Minnie used to write me notes all the time and would leave them by the coffee pot, in the refrigerator, on my desk, my car, etc. Sometimes they would drive me nuts because many times she was reminding me to do something (which I definitely needed), yet now there are no more notes and I sure do miss that. However, today I was going through one of our file drawers looking for something and I came across an email from 15 years ago, that Minnie had written to me and saved. This is the first note from her that I’ve found since she died. It sure brought back a lot of good memories for me. I sure hope I find more notes from her.

  • Rich Simon

    April 22nd, 2016 at 2:25 PM

    Scott:
    Despite what the “experts” suggest I have no intention of getting rid of Janet’s stuff. Per her request I am letting her friends have the clothes and other selected personal items. She did not want her wedding ring and certain jewelry to be parted out. We have 12 acres and a backhoe, over the next few years the jewelry and other items are going to be buried so no one will ever find them. Since we do not have children I will be disposing of my personal items in the same manner. Janet and I use to antique quite a bit and it was always sad to see tons of family photos that people were selling for $ 1.00 a box, we didn’t want that happening to us.

  • Shirley O

    April 22nd, 2016 at 3:39 PM

    *What I cannot get my head round or believe is that I won’t ever again see Ieu right here next to me ……I won’t ever hear him again…… I won’t ever hold his hand again because if I did WITH WHAT I KNOW NOW I would hold on to him so tightly and never ever let him go……………………I still cannot or don’t want to believe……………….your mind plays tricks you hear familiar sounds………….I look round………………..I still hope and pray I wake up from this nightmare…………….I still find it hard accepting he’s gone forever……………..I think its why I am finding it so hard to get rid of Ieu’s things just incase he comes back………….how mad is that…………………I fel this l madness inside enveloping all my pain,sadness and anger turning the desperation and fear into hope that I will see him again-I even bargain with God and beg- I’m so desperate too see Ieu -I cannot do ‘living’without him………………..how can I move on until I accept he’s gone……………….denial………………..a stage in grief keeping me awake and questioning everything about the way it happened…………I didn’t get to say goodbye-we always did we had our little rituals a hug and a kiss when you leaving then three rings of the phone-our code- to say arrived safely or a text 3 XXX’s -peace of mind…………….this time nothing………..didn’t get to say a final goodbye…………..how does one move on from this……….how can I move on from this……………….I’m still waiting for that call or text…………….I even check just incase…………..madness………insane or sane all feels the same to me …………………I’m broken hearted and missing my love-my everything……………moving on……………….I’ve no idea how to………..I cry……..I try…….I cry……..I try……….I cry ………Iv’e tried……..I cry……….

  • Shirley O

    April 22nd, 2016 at 4:06 PM

    *I miss our little rituals-I think you all know what I mean-those little things/ habits became just ours and always we did together-fun and special to us-only we knew what they were and meant-our special language-now gone forever-on occasions I still do-desperate to remember but all is meaningless without Ieu… nothing will never ever be the same again… when you love someone so much and share a lifetime its become the impossible to even think of life here without him/her… sure everyone here feels the same… and also I’m sure you all had your special rituals and language-so special to you… this will make you sad and happy just thinking about yours