How Do I Overcome the Grief from My Husband’s Death?

I lost my husband of 21 years in April. He was my third marriage and, I'm sure, my last. I am nearing 70 now, and all I have done since he passed away is sleep and cry. At least, that is how it seems. I have family in the area, but I am sure I'm depressing company. Aside from my children and grandchildren, who have their own lives, I just don't know if life will ever have meaning for me again. I ache for my husband every day, and I still reach for him at night, as I used to do when I would check on him. I talk to him sometimes, all alone, but obviously I don't hear anything back. I just want him back! And yet I know he will never be back. How do I move past this grief? How do I move on? I know I should have seen this coming, as he had gone downhill over the course of the previous two years, but I was woefully unprepared for this kind of loss. I think I didn't want to believe it could happen. What do you think? —Left Behind
Dear Left Behind,

Your anguish is palpable in your writing. It is also totally understandable; losing a partner after 21 years of marriage is utterly devastating. I don’t think anyone can ever really be prepared for such a loss. It is just too much to try to wrap your head around until it happens. Even then, it can feel almost unreal.

You commented that all you have done is sleep and cry since your husband’s passing, but you followed this up by saying, “at least, that is how it seems.” In reading your follow-up comment, I wondered if, as you were writing this, you realized that you actually have engaged in some other activities in the months since your husband’s death. If this is true, it might be useful to take a look at what those things are and consider what has felt best. Try to do more of those things when you feel up to it. If and when you do have lighter moments, it is possible (though certainly not guaranteed) that you may feel some guilt. This is not uncommon among surviving spouses. It can feel unfair that you are still able to be in this world having positive experiences while your partner is gone. Sometimes, people even feel like their grief serves as a connection to their lost loved ones, and they cling to it as a means of remaining connected.

The loss of loved one is a universal experience, but everyone’s grieving process is unique and there is not a one-size-fits-all approach. That said, many people find bereavement groups to be very healing experiences. Bereavement groups can foster a sense of connection because they allow you to see that other people are living with the same kind of loss that you are. They can instill hope. You may come to see that if the people in your group can make it through their losses, so can you. Group therapy can also be a forum for brainstorming coping techniques as members share some of the ways they have been able to move toward healing.

If a group feels overwhelming, or if you have trouble accessing a bereavement group, consider your own personal grief counseling with a therapist who specializes in this area. Right now you are very understandably suffering, but you do not have to suffer forever, and you do not have to do it alone. You can heal from this, and I wish you all the best in your process.

Kind regards,
Sarah

Sarah Noel, MS, LMHC is a licensed psychotherapist living and working in Brooklyn, New York. She specializes in working with people who are struggling through depression, anxiety, trauma, and major life transitions. She approaches her work from a person-centered perspective, always acknowledging the people she works with as experts on themselves. She is honored and humbled on a daily basis to be able to partner with people at such critical points in their unique journeys.
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  • Charla

    January 24th, 2014 at 11:44 AM

    I don’t know that this kind of grief is something that you overcome so much as work through and process in your own way. It has to be terrible to lose a spouse, especially when you finally feel that you have lost the love of your life. I do hope that in small measurable ways you are once again at some point able to find a little happiness in your life as I hope that you still have many more years to live yourself.. Things do get better with time and I am sure that this sounds so tired and cliche to you, but I hope that you have a strong system of support in place to help you work through this grief. Peace my friend.

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  • Karen

    November 16th, 2016 at 1:55 AM

    I am so sorry for everyone’s loss. I’m trying too. Not a good example though. Since losing Mel, MW (Mr Wonderful), even with 3 beautiful children. I dread the upcoming holidays. I actually dread each day. Trying to cope. I’m grateful for finding this blog. People to talk to late at night when I can’t sleep. God bless you all.

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  • Annie

    November 16th, 2016 at 3:47 PM

    Hi Karen. I know the feeling. I am dreading the holidays but like you said we have each other. God Bless you and I will be praying for you. We’ll get through it together.