Person with long hair in braid sits looking out window holding hot drink wrapped in sweaterThis year, I chose to stay home over the holidays. I didn’t choose to stay home because I don’t love my family or because I didn’t want to see them. I chose to stay home for the sake of honoring my emotions.

As someone who struggles with mental health issues, being around multiple people at once can have a tremendous effect on me—and not a positive one. My family is aware of my conditions, but they don’t always know how to respond to my emotions, let alone understand why I feel the way I do. So before large gatherings, I tend to become anxious, panicky, and overwhelmed.

This year, I’d already been feeling an increase in my anxiety before the party even began, and that was the only indicator I needed to make my decision. Some guilt arose while I was in the process of deciding to stay home, but I knew I would only benefit in the long run.

Here are the three key things I told myself to help curb the guilt I experienced as a result of choosing to stay home rather than participate in holiday celebrations with my family.

1. I don’t owe anybody anything.

I have always been a people-pleaser. Now, I know there’s nothing wrong with wanting to do something that will make another person happy or looking forward to seeing someone’s face light up with joy when you do something kind. But I’ve learned it’s important to draw a line when we begin to sacrifice our own peace and comfort for the sake of someone else’s happiness. [fat_widget_right]

If you know going to a family function or a party with friends is going to make you an anxious mess, I feel it’s best to practice honoring and acknowledging your body and mental health by making the decision that will be best for you, which might be to just stay home.

When I was in the throes of my people-pleasing days, I was always under the impression that if I said, “No,” or did something when I didn’t really want to do it, it would be rude, unkind, and selfish. But I’m here to tell you that it’s not! It is everything but that. By making the best choice for you, not someone else, you are cultivating self-compassion and being loving and kind to yourself. Your body and your mental health will thank you every time you make a decision that is based on how you truly feel.

2. I can’t take the reactions of others personally. 

I will be honest and say I am still working hard on this particular part. But I am pretty proud of myself that I stuck with my choice to stay home this year without letting fear of my family’s reaction influence me.

If you know that going to a family function or a party with friends is going to make you an anxious mess, I feel it’s best to practice honoring and acknowledging your body and mental health by making the decision that will be best for you, which might be to just stay home.

The reality of life is, no matter what we do or what we say, we cannot make anyone feel or react a certain way. How other people choose to react to our personal decisions is solely on them—not on us. We can only control how we feel and what we say and do. The rest is completely out of our control. And part of truly honoring ourselves is to not take the things we can’t control personally.

Thankfully, my family wasn’t upset with my decision to stay home, but I still had to prepare myself—just in case they were. I told myself over and over again that if they were mad or upset with me, I could not control that. All I could do was what I needed for myself, what was right for me. By choosing to honor my boundaries and stick with them, no matter how others reacted, I was able to support my own well-being.

3. I need to trust my gut. 

As I mentioned, I was already experiencing anticipatory anxiety about having to go to my family’s house. From the moment I woke up, I had the gut feeling that I really didn’t want to go. My body and mind were both telling me it would be a healthy choice to lie low at home and take it easy. I knew it wouldn’t be a good idea to put myself in a situation that would only provoke my anxiety.

All three points have one major theme in common: Honor your thoughts and emotions. Listen to them. Accept them.

I had to learn it was all right to put myself first. In fact, many times when I honored my emotions and said “No” to an obligation, I found that people actually responded with more respect and understanding because I was so truthful!

Learning to honor my emotions, trust my gut, and not take things personally didn’t just come naturally, though. Seeing a therapist regularly has helped me tremendously with all three of those things, and there is no shame in needing one if you feel like you’re having trouble honoring your emotions and/or if you struggle to say “No” to obligations, even when you wish you could. My therapist has supported me as I learned to find my own voice, and my work in therapy has empowered me throughout the years to utilize my voice every chance I get. Your voice is your truth, and no one can take that away from you.

If you aren’t feeling well when you have plans, and deep down, you really do not want to go out and do something, I encourage you to learn to be truthful, with yourself and with others. By doing so, you will likely learn, just as I did, that it’s perfectly all right to say no if you aren’t feeling good about something.

If you are struggling with how to begin, seeking support from a mental health professional might be a good place to start—doing so helped me a great deal. By finding your voice, you may not only find yourself opening up the door to self-empowerment, and you might also encourage others around you to do the same.

Julia is a college student and mental health advocate coping with borderline personality. She is currently studying psychology in order to become a licensed mental health counselor (LMHC). 

Smiling person with long hair rests face on water We do not get to choose the content of our minds, but we certainly try. There are many things in life—inside and outside of us—we do not choose or control, and that fall short of our ideals of perfection, and we have a great deal of trouble accepting this. Our work with acceptance versus rejection of the realities that are beyond our control or outside our definition of perfection can help us build resilience but can also lead to emotional suffering.

Take, for instance, the lack of choice or control we have in how our minds develop: We do not choose to be born; we do not choose the parents we are born to; and we do not choose the point in their lives we are born to them. We do not choose the parenting style of our parents (or that of their parents); we do not choose the trauma they endured before and after our birth; and we do not choose how their trauma history impacts their parenting. We do not choose our parents’ strengths; we do not choose their weaknesses; and we do not choose the parenting style we learn from them. In that sense, we do not choose how our parents teach us to parent ourselves, how they teach us to relate to our needs, thoughts, and feelings.

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Our earliest experiences and the echoes of those experiences—the ways of thinking, feeling, and being that now exist inside our minds—were not installed by us nor elected by us. Much of how we think and feel is an accident of whom we are born to and when; as a result, much of our mind is there by accident. We do not choose our psychological strengths, and, perhaps more regrettably, we do not choose our neuroses.

This is an uncomfortable reality to face, especially in this age in which we strive toward images of perfection and pride ourselves on feeling in control. Sigmund Freud joked that his theories were rejected mostly because they suggested people are not fully in control of their minds, and it is not surprising his theories remain unpopular. You may be tempted to stop reading this for the same reason. We humans do not like accidents, especially ones that happen to us. We work hard to prevent them. So it is hard to accept that much of what is in our minds is there more by accident than by some careful plan that we intentionally laid out.

It is especially hard to accept this when we find things inside our minds that we identify as “bad,” and as a result it can be tempting to construct the illusion of control over the “badness” so we can become our idea of “perfection.” We like to tell ourselves, “Don’t think that way,” or “Just be positive,” or “There’s nothing to be anxious about; just act natural.” We fancy that saying such things to ourselves can help us control the programming of our minds or make our habitual responses go away. We tell ourselves we can overpower our conditioning through force of will or through self-criticism. We try hard to reject the things inside ourselves that we don’t like, to make ourselves “better” or even “perfect.” “It’s bad enough I can’t control when I was born or when I’ll die,” one person in therapy told me, “but I should be able to at least control my mind!”

We try and try to suppress our “bad” thoughts. We come up with “techniques” that help us avoid the “bad” feelings or behaviors and “get better.” We think these acts of self-rejection will remove the “badness” from ourselves. But this “badness”—this confluence of thoughts and feelings that are inside us that we do not want—remains there despite our efforts to reject and banish it.

So, what then? What can we do when we find things inside ourselves that we didn’t choose to put there, that we don’t want there, that we identify as “bad,” but that are there anyway? Must we go on forever trying to cast out something “bad”? If we accept the “badness” we identify in ourselves, is that just complacency, giving up? What are the benefits of accepting our reality and giving up our fantasies of control and perfection? Let’s explore these questions around the emotional impacts of self-rejection and self-acceptance.

Why We Turn to Self-Rejection

In a certain way, we are all therapists. Each one of us has a unique style of self-help that we have learned and cultivated through our development. “Cure through self-rejection” is a common way to attempt self-therapy. Now, no one ever calls it that—we have fancy cover words for cure through self-rejection, such as “self-improvement” or “making progress,” and we do it with the best of intentions. When we analyze our thinking, however, we find many of us approach self-improvement, a seemingly benevolent endeavor, from a starting point of self-rejection: “I have identified something inside me as bad; I did not put it there and I do not want it there, as it challenges my fantasy of becoming perfect. Now I must ‘improve myself’ by finding some technique to rid myself of this badness to regain perfection. Immediately if not sooner, please!”

Self-acceptance does not promise us the sense of purification, perfection, and control that self-rejection tempts us with, and in that sense it may be less attractive in moments when the need for change feels dire. However, if we’ve tried self-rejection, seen its results, and understand why we thought it was a good idea at the time, perhaps we can begin to accept ourselves and see what happens then.

Self-rejection can lead to some forms of change, at least temporarily. In the name of “self-improvement,” I can suppress a particular thought for as long as I have the energy to do so; I can force myself to like things I don’t like or to stop liking things I do like for as long as I can put up the necessary effort. I can use “logic” to talk myself out of what comes naturally to me. But for those of us who have lied before, we know it takes a great deal of effort and energy to suppress what is true and keep the lie going; the liar faces the truth more than anyone. In the cure through self-rejection, we have to perpetuate a lie to ourselves—“I don’t feel/think/need that anymore. I’m perfected/fixed now”—even when we see how the “bad” thought or feeling we try to reject continues to pop up.

We approach our efforts at “self-cure through self-rejection” earnestly—we really think self-rejection will help us! We fantasize that self-rejection strategies will remove from us the burdens that were accidentally placed upon us by our early experiences. We think self-rejection will produce the self-love and sense of perfection we all long for. Many of us come to find, however, that in the end practicing self-rejection only helps us get better at self-rejection, which can lead to self-hate, depression, and other forms of suffering. Faced with that new knowledge, what do we do then?

We may be tempted to reject this self-rejection we have come to recognize in ourselves, as though rejecting our self-rejection will help us stop rejecting ourselves. It sounds silly on paper, but you might be surprised just how tempting this approach can be! Then therapy can become like a never-ending home improvement project in which we keep finding new self-rejections to “fix,” but our tool for fixing (self-rejection) keeps making us feel more broken. This inevitably leads us to feel like we are failing at therapy and at life; some people quit therapy as a result. But what if we are not the problem? What if self-rejection is the problem? If so, what then?

Why Self-Acceptance Offers More

We are then left with a question: Can I accept the rejecter that I am in this moment? Can I accept that it is tempting to reject the rejecter I see in the mirror right now? Can I accept that it has just felt natural and important for me to reject the real me that I find when I look inside? That it has been habitual for me to hate me when I find I don’t match a fantasy of perfection? Can I accept the strategy I have tried for self-therapy has failed, even though it felt so smart and useful all this time?

These can all be hard to accept. It can be hard to accept that there are things inside us that we do not like. It can be hard to accept that things are inside our minds that we did not choose to put there, that are there by accident. It can be hard to accept that the best strategy we had learned was a doomed, failed strategy. It can be hard to accept that we are not and cannot be fantasy people, just real people. Can we accept that the truth is sometimes hard to bear? Can we embrace that it has been important to become proficient at rejecting the truth and that there must be some good reason we got so good at rejecting the truth of ourselves and our lives? That it has been important and necessary in our lives to learn to compare our reality to an impossible fantasy of perfection, and call ourselves “not good enough,” “failure,” etc. and reject our real selves? Can we wonder about why learning to self-reject was so necessary and important?

Self-acceptance is not guaranteed to cure anything or to even feel good. All self-acceptance guarantees is we will be in touch with the clearest and most realistic picture of ourselves in this moment, beyond our fantasies of how we “should” be.

We may believe self-acceptance will lead to stagnation or complacency or that self-acceptance is like giving up on changing. But what if self-rejection is what has been leading to stagnation? What if continued self-rejection will require you to become complacent with the stagnation that self-rejection has been inducing? What if we need to give up on the fantasies of perfection and control that have been keeping us stuck if we are ever going to achieve realistic change based on a realistic assessment of ourselves and our lives?

Self-acceptance is not guaranteed to cure anything or to even feel good. All self-acceptance guarantees is we will be in touch with the clearest and most realistic picture of ourselves in this moment, beyond our fantasies of how we “should” be. Accepting our real strengths and resources and our real hurdles can give us a starting point for realistic change based on the facts of who we are in this moment, rather than based on the fantasy that if we just reject ourselves long and hard enough we will somehow become purified and perfected.

Self-acceptance does not promise us the sense of purification, perfection, and control that self-rejection tempts us with, and in that sense it may be less attractive in moments when the need for change feels dire. However, if we’ve tried self-rejection, seen its results, and understand why we thought it was a good idea at the time, perhaps we can begin to accept ourselves and see what happens then. And if we need to go on rejecting ourselves for now, which we might, can we accept that, too? Can we let go of the fantasy self who is perfect and in control, accept who we are right now, and see how that feels? We may not be able to choose the content of our minds and the events of our lives, but perhaps through self-acceptance we can come to choose how we relate to our reality.

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I’ll just say it: I hate my parents with every fiber of my being. I’m pretty sure they hate me, too. My dad beat me almost every day when I was little, and never had anything nice to say when I was growing up. He was always on drugs, burned me with his cigarettes, told me I was garbage. Which is exactly what I felt like. My mom stood by and let it happen. He hit her too. I watched it happen. She took it out on me. She wouldn’t even let me eat some nights. I wish I had reported them, but I never did. I was too afraid of what would happen to me.

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I am 27 now, and until last week I had not talked to either of my parents in years. Then, out of the blue, my mom calls me. I hung up right away. She’s called me twice since, leaving messages saying she hopes I’m happy. She said she thinks I should forgive them and doesn’t understand why I won’t talk to her. I’m like, “Really?”

I don’t know why she’s suddenly interested in my life, but I don’t care. I’m not one of those people who thinks just because you accidentally got pregnant and had a kid, your kid owes you something. I had terrible parents. I had the worst childhood you can imagine. I don’t want to be my parents’ son anymore. I don’t want anything to do with them. I don’t see that ever changing, either.

I know hate is an ugly word. Article after article says it’s “unhealthy” to hate and that it’s “healthy” to forgive. But I hate my parents. I can’t forgive them. And what’s worse is I hate that I hate my parents, which makes me hate myself. I don’t know what to do with that except what I’ve always done: nothing. —No Love Lost

Dear NLL,

I’m sorry to hear about what sounds like an awful childhood. In some ways, the blaming and emotional abuse you experienced may be even more impactful than the physical abuse; scars that remain invisible often take the longest to acknowledge and heal.

You mention reading about how it’s “healthy” forgive one’s parents, let go of the past, etc. Whenever I’ve talked with people about some of their overwhelmingly toxic parents (yours appear to fit in that category, I’m afraid), I’ve had cause to doubt this maxim profoundly. In some cases, we may be unable to forgive until there has been some parental or caregiver recognition of the abuse and suffering inflicted upon us. Furthermore, an ongoing lack of recognition of abuse or neglect indicates the toxicity persists. Setting a boundary, as you have, is reasonable and may in fact be the safest way forward.

Whatever your mother’s reasons for wanting to connect with you, she cannot reasonably expect to set the terms of any relationship with you. The terms are yours to define, and she needs to respect them, even if it means no contact.

Emotional experience is subtle and complex. It’s possible—through therapy and other avenues— to simultaneously heal wounds of the past and set boundaries with toxic others. It is vital to acknowledge your emotional authenticity and experience, however painful or awkward. Otherwise, your psychological agency is in danger of becoming fractured, dissociated, or radically undermined.

This brings to mind a person I worked with many years ago whose mother actively intervened (starting in elementary school) to ruin her son’s friendships with others because she felt no one was “good” or “pure” enough. The way she “protected” him was to gossip behind his back to teachers and his friends’ parents about what a untrustworthy and generally nasty kid he was, going so far as to whisper in the ear of the local pastor to keep an eye on her “wayward” son. This awful behavior had the desired effect: the friends he wanted were told by their parents to stay away from him, and he grew up with insecurity issues that led to drug addiction.

When he grew older and entered therapy, the son fiercely resented his mother’s behavior (while struggling with guilt over “hating” her) and refused to comply with her demands that he write and call her regularly. He came to recognize her chief aim was to isolate him—a classic abuse technique—so he might become a surrogate “friend” and stop trying to have his own life. Her alcohol-addicted husband worked long hours, and when home he remained locked in his den watching television, sipping booze. Unable to address her husband, she directed her rage at her son and essentially held him hostage with her manipulations and subterfuge.

A couple of years ago, I had the good fortune of studying with a longtime psychoanalyst and mentor. I asked about forgiveness of one’s parents as a “must.” You see, I had inadvertently caused some controversy in one of my doctoral seminars after reading an article by a psychoanalyst who felt that forgiving one’s parents was a sign of maturity; I disagreed, as I felt there could be no global rule about forgiveness as it pertains to one’s parents, and clashed with my fellow students and instructors.

My mentor waved off this “doctrine” in no uncertain terms. “Why do you have to forgive your parents?” he wondered aloud. “I’ve never been a fan of that idea. Especially if they were horrible to their kids. Am I going to tell a woman who experienced incest with her dad, with a mom who denied such things ever happened, ‘get over it’ or ‘move on’? Of course not. And anyway, do we really want requirements of the people we help? What do we do if they can’t or won’t forgive? Refuse to see them? Give them moral instruction? That’s repeating the very abuse they’re trying so hard to escape.”

All of this is a way of saying this: Do what feels safe and right to you. Keep your boundary. The fact you took the time to write means there’s some part of you that treasures your own preservation and well-being; trust your instincts! Also, the fact you have set a boundary and had such a human, understandable, and honest reaction to your mother’s recent contact tells me you’re probably the healthiest person in your family. The healthiest person is often the first to seek therapy, as it turns out.

I have discovered over time that the kind of harsh and unspeakably cruel treatment you received may impact a person in a way that can be hard to assess without empathic observation and support.

Speaking of which, I would encourage you to seek a counselor, preferably one who can address the psychodynamics of such pernicious abuse. The damage can be very subtle. I discovered over time that the kind of harsh and unspeakably cruel treatment you received may impact a person in a way that can be hard to assess without empathic observation and support.

You might say the vulnerable part of us, which we have to hide or “put away” in an abusive context, inevitably emerges as we try to fulfill our hopes and goals for an authentic life, especially in regard to relationships with others (sexual/romantic, friendships, even educationally or professionally). Sustaining hope means remaining vulnerable. Some people end up sabotaging their own hopes, or withdrawing from life, due to the savagery of past suffering. Finding a competent healer might be the most loving thing you could do for yourself.

Hating your parents is one thing. Hating yourself for hating them is quite another. You clearly don’t deserve that burden. A competent therapist can help you recognize and have compassion for the forces at work in your self-directed misgivings.

One final note: Are there are any other family members you can talk to who “get” your experience and can validate it? A cousin, aunt or uncle, even close family friend? The son I spoke of earlier had an aunt who was far more balanced than his own mother, and he and his aunt developed a fairly close rapport. The aunt validated his experience as real, which was an important aspect of his coming to terms with his experience and moving forward.

I hope this has been helpful. I further hope you are able to find the peace so unfairly denied to you by your parents.

Kind regards,

Darren Haber, MA, MFT

Person in business suit meditates, calmly smiling“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.” —Dalai Lama

Tonglen is the Buddhist practice of giving and taking. More specifically, this practice involves taking in another’s pain as you inhale and exhaling your happiness to them. Since it is not actually possibly to physically take someone’s discomfort and supplant it with your joy, this is an energetic and symbolic practice. Simultaneously, the practice of Tonglen fosters compassion for the self as a human who will experience what the Buddha called “life’s 10,000 joys and sorrows.”

Not only does this practice cultivate compassion, it also provides a reminder that, whether or not we see it, people deal with difficulty, pain, and hardship every day. Thus, it helps counter self-absorption by encouraging you to shift your focus to the challenges other people face.

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When I first encountered Tonglen, and its instructions to breathe in the suffering of the world, I thought, “Are you kidding? As a psychotherapist, the last thing I need to do is to invite more pain into my life.” Of course, I was wrong. But I didn’t realize this until after I read Pema Chodron’s Living Beautifully with Uncertainty and Change. It was from this book that I learned a way of practicing Tonglen that did not bring me down but rather, gave me a sense of deep connection with others, increased my compassion, and paradoxically, calmed my body-mind. [amazon_affiliate]

How Is Tonglen Practiced?

Chodron suggests you first make an effort to notice when you are feeling something disturbing, such as anxiety, depression, grief, anger, physical pain, or anything that feels bad. Next, remember this: there are probably millions of other people feeling exactly what you are, dealing with similar challenges, and having to cope with them similarly. With this realization held in your mind, imagine you are first inhaling compassion for yourself and these others and then exhaling loving, healing energy to yourself and to them.

This is not a Western practice, and at first it may feel awkward or forced. But as you keep at it, it will connect you to those others who are also facing life’s issues or transitions. In other words, everyone. Ever hear the joke about the Buddhist asking the hot dog vendor to “Make me one with everything”? Similarly, this practice can actually make you feel that indefinable oneness. No one is singling you out for misery. Everyone has joys and sorrows.

By purposefully connecting with others you can not only get in touch with your shared humanity, you can bring a sense of connection and compassion into your everyday dealings. You can remember to use Tonglen when someone cuts you off on the road, when the grocery store clerk puts your eggs in the bottom of the bag, when friends disappoint you, or when family feels demanding. You understand and remember what it is like to have a bad day, to receive bad news, or to just feel cranky for no reason at all.

Another practice I find especially helpful is called Just Like Me, though it is also known as commonalities practice. When you are faced with someone whose behavior really tests your patience and understanding, you say, “Just like me.” No one is singling you out for misery. Everyone has joys and sorrows.

I also like to add a Step 6: “Just like me, this person can get triggered, upset, angry, unreasonable, impatient, intolerant, or anything else I like to forget I’m capable of.

Finally, I also find it useful to think of everyone who crosses my path as a five-year-old child who is carrying a heavy backpack full of hurt and unresolved feelings. While this may not be the case in most encounters, it certainly helps me cultivate kindness for people I might find challenging.

I encourage you to choose whichever one of these practices appeals to you most and try it out every day for a month. You can try this in meditation or in the moment as challenging situations arise. Either way, I think you’ll be happily surprised by the way what looks like kindness to others actually helps promote gentleness within your own self.

Reference:

Chodron, P. (2013). Living beautifully with uncertainty and change. Boulder, CO: Shambhala

North star in early evening skyAs a therapist, I hear the word “should” often. Usually it appears just before a spike in anxiety, a precipitous drop in self-esteem, or a sudden crying jag: “I should be over this by now!”

What is it about “should” that has such a powerful impact on our feelings about ourselves and others? Can it be helpful? Why is it hurtful? In the paragraphs that follow, I’ll try to answer those questions. I’ll also try to uncover some of the thoughts and feelings that get hidden under all that “should”-ing.

‘Shoulds’ as Aspirations and Values

Psychology thinkers going back to Sigmund Freud (1914) have discussed a part of the personality, what Freud termed the “ego ideal,” that orients us toward our values and aspirations, the things we want for ourselves. As my teacher Jon Frederickson describes it, our ideals and aspirations are a kind of “north star”—we can sail our ship toward it, but never quite touch it.

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This north star can be a useful guide to a meaningful life, as in, “I should go back to school so I can reach my goal of becoming a psychologist.” In this example from my own life, the “should” came from a place of self-love and represented a realistic possibility for me at that time. However, what if I had started should-ing myself about grad school in a harsh and critical way? What if I was should-ing myself about grad school, but at a time in my life when grad school was not a realistic option? What if those “shoulds” became a stick to beat myself with, rather than an aspirational system to motivate myself with?

‘Shoulds’ as Self-Punishments

“I should have known better!”

“I shouldn’t have done that!”

Our aspirations and values are misused in the service of self-punishment when we hold ourselves and others accountable for things that simply aren’t possible. How could you have known something you did not know? How could you have avoided doing something you did not know would hurt you?

When we “should” ourselves in this way, it’s like saying, “You should be able to touch your north star—if you had paddled hard enough, you’d be there by now!” This is the misuse of an ideal and guide in the service of self-punishment.

This kind of thinking seems to be especially common with people who would identify themselves as “perfectionists.” In perfectionism, we tend to embrace, for better and for worse, an underlying fantasy that we can somehow be united with our north star. We are no longer chasing an ideal; we are seeking to become ideal. Many perfectionistic people wind up coming in for therapy when their imperfections, which are just a symptom of their humanity, disrupt their fantasy of becoming one with their “ego ideal.” Sadly, self-criticism and varying levels of anxiety and depression usually ensue.

‘Shoulds’ in Relationships

“You should stand up for me!”

Our aspirations and values are misused in the service of self-punishment when we hold ourselves and others accountable for things that simply aren’t possible.

“You should know how I’m feeling!”

Just as we hold certain ideals and aspirations for ourselves, which we can both benefit from and misuse, we also hold ideals for the people in our lives, and images of how we wish them to be. When our relationships move toward these ideals it can feel wonderful, and we want to hold onto that forever.

However, just as we are much more complex and human than our ideal selves, our partners, friends, and family can turn out to be a lot more complicated than how we want them to be. When we refuse to accept that, we can try to force them to be closer to our ideal; however, “You should be more like …” essentially translates to, “You should not be you!” If you have tried this relationship strategy for getting your partner to be more like your ideal, you may have found, as I have, people don’t seem to like that.

What ‘Shoulds’ Can Distract Us From

So why all this should-ing? What is the function of “should” in our relationships with ourselves and others?

To me, “should” seems to be a kind of escape, what Anna Freud would call a “denial by fantasy” (Freud, 1936). When we “should” ourselves and others, we escape from the complicated feelings we have about our complicated lives into a fantasy of how things “should” be. Letting go of this fantasy of how things should be would mean we have to experience life on life’s terms and cope with how things are, which can stir up pain, anger, and other mixed emotions.

As painful as it can be to face the emotions and realities that “should” can obscure, there is a certain freedom in accepting what is, what exists in front of us. When we worship at the altar of “what should be,” we miss out on opportunities to interact with and learn from the events and emotions of the moment. We wind up chasing a star, rather than letting that star guide us safely to port.

If You Want Help with ‘Shoulds’

If you find your thinking dominated by “should,” try to figure out what aspect(s) of your reality you are avoiding by taking refuge (often false refuge) in a fantasy of how life “should” be. See if you can challenge yourself to accept and look honestly at the things you are trying to erase with “shoulds.”

Looking at the plain picture of yourself and your reality, without the distraction of the should-ing thoughts, may stir up strong and complicated emotions. See if you can listen to and learn from these. You may learn a lot from the thoughts and emotions about your present and past reality that you have learned to avoid through should-ing.

In the process of taking an honest look at yourself, your life, and your loved ones, you may encounter anxiety, which will tempt you to retreat back into “shoulds.” If anxiety and avoidance are interfering with your ability to get past your “shoulds,” I encourage you to work with a therapist who can help you face the thoughts and emotions getting stuck underneath all the should-ing. By facing this important challenge, you may develop more flexibility to deal with life on life’s terms, rather than dealing with yourself in terms of how you “should” be.

References:

  1. Frederickson, J. (2013, August 13). Perfectionism. Retrieved from http://istdpinstitute.com/2013/perfectionism/
  2. Freud, A. (1936). The Ego and the Mechanisms of Defence. New York: International Universities Press.
  3. Freud, S. (1914). On narcissism: an introduction. Standard Edition, 14: 73-102.

Happy child with short curly hair holds sunflower to face in fieldSelf-compassion is one of those terms that has gained popularity of late but remains misunderstood by many. Self-compassion comes down to treating yourself as you would treat someone else you care about—with kindness, understanding, and the awareness that everyone is human, imperfect, but still inherently worthy.

Dr. Kristin Neff at the University of Texas at Austin was the first person to operationalize, or create a way to define and measure, the idea of self-compassion. She and other researchers since have found three essential components to self-compassion. These are self-kindness, common humanity—which refers to understanding the things we criticize ourselves about are both universal and part of being human—and mindfulness.

Mindfulness, at its most basic level, refers to present-moment, nonjudgmental awareness. The practice of mindfulness has been linked to numerous mind-body benefits, including the ability to notice the thoughts and feelings that tend to cause us suffering—without holding them close, pushing them away, or automatically identifying with them.

Although many of us could identify people we believe would benefit from taking a closer and perhaps more constructively critical look at themselves, there is a large subgroup of people who tend to be overly self-critical. This can come in the form of unfair comparisons, such as, “I’ll never be as good as so-and-so,” to frequent catastrophizing (“I’ve really messed up, and now my life is ruined for good!”), to conditional self-worth (“I’ll be okay/worth something/lovable only when I am [insert criterion here]”).

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Why We Self-Criticize

I’ve noticed a tendency toward chronic or constant self-criticism in those whose parents praised only exceptional behavior (leading to the belief, “If I’m not the best, I am the worst”), spent a lot of time fault-finding, or, in extreme cases, were abusive. If the inner stream of criticism sounds uncannily like the critical statements someone else used to tell you, take note. That’s useful information if you decide to pursue therapy.

Among the many downsides to constant self-criticism: it can leave one either overly vulnerable to feeling criticized—even in response to constructive feedback—and can also lead to projecting self-criticism onto others (and becoming hyper-critical in general). In addition, self-criticism erodes self-esteem and can leave one feeling depressed, anxious, or hopeless.

Why We Resist Self-Compassion

Often people resist the idea of self-compassion because they believe self-criticism is a necessary tool that protects them from “slacking off,” being a “bad” person, or otherwise becoming something they associate with personal failure (“fat,” “alone,” “lazy,” “unlovable,” etc.). People may also feel counter-identified with a parent or other family member who exhibited undesirable qualities, and thus, the self-critical voice may feel necessary to avoid winding up like that person. Similarly, they may worry that without being self-critical, they will fail to take responsibility for the things they do, and perhaps will lack compassion for others (because of the self-indulgence they associate with self-compassion).

The good news is the research on self-compassion has found that the practice is associated with being more compassionate with others, greater altruism, and greater likelihood to forgive others.

The good news is the research on self-compassion has found the practice is associated with being more compassionate with others, greater altruism, and greater likelihood to forgive others. In addition, self-compassion has been linked to being more likely to take responsibility for one’s own actions, greater happiness, increased motivation, and greater self-worth.

Some simple ways to enhance self-compassion include the following:

  1. Ask yourself, “Is the way I am thinking about myself the way I would respond to a close friend or other loved one?” If the answer is no, imagine how you would treat others who found themselves in a similar situation. What would you say? What recommendations would you make? How would you offer comfort? How would you help this person reframe their take on things?
  2. Write down the answers to the above questions. Now, viewing yourself from the perspective of the observer, speak to yourself in the same compassionate tone, using the language you would use with someone you care about.
  3. Remember you, like everyone else, are human. Humans are imperfect, yet born with inherent worth. Most of the things you have suffered over are universal in some way.
  4. Remind yourself of the truisms. Mistakes are one of the ways in which we learn. Challenges present opportunities to grow stronger. No one is perfect.
  5. Practice mindfulness daily. Set aside time for formal practice, such as breath awareness, and strive to be present for your life in general—however it is in this moment.

References:

  1. Breines, J. G., & Chen, S. (2012). Self-compassion increases self-improvement motivation. Social Psychology Bulletin, 38, 1133-1143.
  2. Germer, G. K., & Neff, K. D. (2013). Self-compassion in clinical practice. Journal of Clinical Psychology: In Session, 69, 856–867. Retrieved from http://self-compassion.org/wp-content/uploads/publications/germer.neff.pdf
  3. Neff, K. D., & Pommier, E. (2012). The Relationship between Self-compassion and Other-focused Concern among College Undergraduates, Community Adults, and Practicing Meditators. Self and Identity, 1-17 (iFirst article). Retrieved from http://self-compassion.org/wp-content/uploads/publications/Neff.Pommier.pdf

Walking in park

Compassion fatigue can be a serious occupational hazard for those in any kind of helping profession, with a majority of those in the field reporting experiencing at least some degree of it in their lives. This is no surprise, as it is typically those with the most empathy who are the most at risk.

Compassion fatigue is characterized by physical and emotional exhaustion and a profound decrease in the ability to empathize. It is a form of secondary traumatic stress, as the stress occurs as a result of helping or wanting to help those who are in need. It is often referred to as “the cost of caring” for others who are in physical or emotional pain. If left untreated, compassion fatigue not only can affect mental and physical health, but it can also have serious legal and ethical implications when providing therapeutic services to people.

While it is not uncommon to hear compassion fatigue referred to as burnout, the conditions are not the same. Compassion fatigue is more treatable than burnout, but it can be less predictable and may come on suddenly or without much warning, whereas burnout usually develops over time.

Because it can arise so abruptly, it can be important for therapists and others in the helping professions to protect themselves from this condition. Here are 11 ways to prevent compassion fatigue from happening to you:

1. Get Educated

If you know you are at risk for compassion fatigue, taking the time to learn the signs and symptoms can be a helpful means of prevention.

The most common signs and symptoms of compassion fatigue include:

[fat_widget_right]Knowing the signs and symptoms and continuing to check in with yourself can help you better prevent and manage compassion fatigue if it arises. Many people find that ranking their level of compassion fatigue on a scale of 1-10 is an effective strategy. For example, a rank of 6 might mean you are declining social invitations due to feeling drained and a 7 might be difficulty sleeping due to excessive worry about someone else’s well-being.

Cultivating a high level of self-awareness and understanding of how your 6 differs from your 7 can help you gage where you are so you can implement necessary strategies to avoid the red zone that would likely be a 9 or 10.

It is not only the work itself that poses a risk, but the person’s life conditions as well. For example, someone who is not only taking care of people at work, but also caring for a child or adult family member at home may be even more susceptible to compassion fatigue. If you are currently experiencing increased life stressors at home as well as in the workplace, prevention strategies against compassion fatigue may be important.

If you think you may be experiencing compassion fatigue, you can take a compassion fatigue self-assessment developed by the Compassion Fatigue Awareness Project here.

2. Practice Self-Care

Practicing self-care can be a critical method of protecting yourself against compassion fatigue. It is not uncommon for those who are constantly concerned with the needs of others to wind up neglecting their own.

Those who practice good self-care are significantly less vulnerable to stress and compassion fatigue than those who fail to do so. A good self-care regimen will look different for each person, but it should generally include:

Making time for these self-care activities leaves less room for overworking, which can lead to compassion fatigue, said Nicole Urdang, MS, NCC, DHM, a holistic psychotherapist based in New York.

“Overworking is often at the heart of compassion fatigue and its first cousin: vicarious trauma,” Urdang said. “Taking the very best care of yourself includes setting limits.”

3. Set Emotional Boundaries

It can be especially important for therapists, social workers, nurses, and caregivers alike to set firm emotional boundaries to protect themselves. Empathy and compassion are generally at the forefront of a human services career.

If left untreated, compassion fatigue not only can affect mental and physical health, but it can also have serious legal and ethical implications when providing therapeutic services to people.The challenge is to remain compassionate, empathetic, and supportive of others without becoming overly involved and taking on another’s pain. Setting emotional boundaries helps maintain a connection while still remembering and honoring the fact that you are a separate person with your own needs.

If people in a human services career are exposed to too much trauma, they may begin to feel overwhelmed, and people may feel that overwhelm in different ways, Urdang said.

“It might manifest as insomnia, overeating, skipping meals, addictive behavior, isolating oneself, depression, anxiety, or anger. We might find ourselves fighting with partners or children, having no patience, feeling exhausted, noticing a lowered libido, unmotivated, and, paradoxically, being less interested in what our clients have to say,” she said. “Believe it or not, these are all helpful, as they quickly alert us to our depleted state. If we are paying attention and are committed to radical self-care, we can act on this awareness by rebalancing our life. If that is not possible, simply taking short breaks throughout the day to close your eyes, focus on your breath, or put your hands on your heart and send yourself some compassion can all make a big difference.”

4. Engage in Outside Hobbies

Maintaining a solid work-life balance can help protect you from compassion fatigue. When all your time is spent working or thinking about work, it can be easy to burn out. Studies have shown work-life balance is becoming more important to workers, and making time for leisure activities and personal hobbies outside of work can help lower stress levels and improve overall life satisfaction.

5. Cultivate Healthy Friendships Outside of Work

While it is great to have strong relationships with your co-workers, it is equally important to cultivate and maintain healthy relationships outside of work. It can sometimes be difficult for co-workers to avoid talking about work even outside the workplace. Connecting with friends who are not aware of the ins and outs of your work situation can provide much needed emotional and professional relief.

6. Keep a Journal

Journaling is an excellent way to process and release emotions that may arise from your line of work. Taking the time to cultivate self-awareness and connect with your personal thoughts and feelings can help prevent suppression of emotions, which can lead to compassion fatigue over time.

7. Boost Your Resiliency

Resilience is our ability to bounce back from stress. While some people seem to naturally be more resilient than others, resilience is a skill that can be learned and cultivated.

“Resilience can be thought of as the ability to adapt to and become stronger through adversity,” said Marjie L. Roddick, MA, LMHC. “It can be a protective factor against compassion fatigue, so those with higher resiliency are better able to prevent compassion fatigue. Resilience is something that can be learned, and enhancing or boosting it can reduce the effects of compassion fatigue as new coping methods are learned.”

8. Use Positive Coping Strategies

While it may be tempting to wash away the stress and emotional burdens of your job with alcohol or drugs, this can actually work in the reverse and compound stress in the long run. Consider making a list of positive coping strategies to use in times of stress. This might include deep breathing, meditation, taking a walk, talking with a friend, watching a funny movie, or relaxing in a hot bath.

9. Identify Workplace Strategies

Workplace strategies are often an important part of compassion fatigue prevention. If your employer does not currently have any in place, consider suggesting their implementation.

Some workplace strategies that have been proven to be beneficial are:

10. Seek Personal Therapy

If you find yourself feeling emotionally vulnerable, significantly stressed, or overwhelmed, consider seeing a therapist who can help you process your feelings and implement strategies to help you combat compassion fatigue and maintain a healthy work-life balance.

References:

  1. Badger, K. (2008). Preventing compassion fatigue: Caring for ourselves while caring for others. Phoenix Society’s Burn Support News. Retrieved from http://www.phoenix-society.org/resources/entry/preventing-compassion-fatigue
  2. Brooks, C. (2013, March 5). Career success means work-life balance, study finds. Retrieved from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/03/05/career-success-means-work-life-balance_n_2812707.html
  3. Boyle, D. A. (2011, January). Countering compassion fatigue: A requisite nursing agenda. The Online Journal of Issues in Nursing, 16, (1). Retrieved from http://www.nursingworld.org/MainMenuCategories/ANAMarketplace/ANAPeriodicals/OJIN/TableofContents/Vol-16-2011/No1-Jan-2011/Countering-Compassion-Fatigue.html
  4. Mathieu, F. (2007). Running on empty: Compassion fatigue in health professionals. Rehab & Community Care Medicine. Retrieved from: http://www.compassionfatigue.org/pages/RunningOnEmpty.pdf

Young woman with hand over heartHow do you react when you’re in pain? Do you resist it, ignore it, or push it away? Do you get consumed by it? Would you like to learn a more healing and compassionate way to respond?

To be alive means we feel happiness, joy, sorrow, and pain. Most of us want to feel happiness and all the other positive feelings, but pain? Not so much. Pain, though, is a natural part of life. It shows up physically, such as when we’re injured, sick, or aging, or as the emotional pain of frustration, sadness, loss, or sorrow. It also arises when we’re consumed by some mind state, such as anxiety or depression.

How Resistance to Pain Creates Suffering

“Resistance creates suffering. Stress happens when your mind resists what is. The only problem in your life is your mind’s resistance to life as it unfolds.” —Dan Millman, author and personal development lecturer

Whether it’s physical, emotional, or mental, staying open and present to pain is challenging. What makes it so isn’t the actual sensation of pain; it’s the way we react to it. We catastrophize, worry, or ruminate about what happened, what it means, and how it will affect our future. Sometimes we go into mental gymnastics, trying to figure out how to make it go away. We use our energy in ways that are exhausting and don’t help. This only fuels the pain, morphing what might have been a temporary period of pain into a longer one.

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These reactions stop us from seeing when we’re caught in some belief or story about how life needs to be in order for us to be happy. If I’m always wanting to please others and neglect myself in the process, I can’t possibly be happy. Fearing rejection or the loss of a loving connection can keep me engaged in behaviors and patterns that are unhealthy and hurtful.

They can also show up as addictions, distractions, or unhealthy mind states, including:

Can you see how these patterned ways of reacting to pain can create deep suffering?

So how do we help ourselves?

How Resistance Manifests

The first step is to become aware of when and how we’re reacting/resisting pain. I like the way Christopher Germer, a clinical psychologist and author, describes the resistance that shows up when emotional pain arises. In his book The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion, he describes the series of internal dialogues that occur when a pain is present as follows:

“I don’t like this feeling!”

“I wish I didn’t have this feeling.”

“I shouldn’t have this feeling.”

“I’m wrong to have this feeling.”

“I’m bad!”

Have you found yourself reacting similarly? Did it intensify the pain?

When we get stuck in these reactive cycles, we cut off from the very source that helps us heal and reconnect with life.

Moving from Reacting to Responding

The practice of mindfulness, and specifically self-compassion, helps us soften the resistance. We stop trying to escape, control, or ignore the pain and instead open to it. Staying present, we begin to investigate, through the practice of nonjudgmental awareness and kindness, how our body reacts to pain (tightening/tension); how our thoughts are affected (fear, anger, aversion); and what emotions are in need of attention and loving acceptance.

This pausing to connect is a pivotal moment, one where we’re shifting from reacting to responding. Deepening our exploration, we can practice the following steps:

This is a powerful, transformative, and healing approach that helps us stay present to the pain and challenges we all face in life. Most of all, it helps us stay open to all of life’s joys and sorrows—and that is what makes life worth living.

May you live with ease and peace.

young asian woman hiker sit mountain rockPsychotherapy can be about more than treating symptoms; it can be a path to living a more fulfilling life.

People often begin therapy to alleviate symptoms—a worthy goal, to be sure. But perhaps even more compelling is the ability of psychotherapy to help us counter our tendencies to stay in our comfort zones, and to challenge us to open ourselves to the aliveness and dynamism of the ever-evolving now. It can help us tap into our potential and live happier, more meaningful lives.

Yet it’s not uncommon to hear people say that therapy is like using a crutch, or that therapy makes people dependent on their therapists. In some cases, such claims may indeed be true. However, good therapy is meant to empower us, to help us mature, to stand on our two feet and face whatever comes our way.

Furthermore, therapy is not an easy process. If your therapist is doing his or her job, you will feel uncomfortable at times as you examine uncomfortable feelings and the reasons they exist. Whoever thinks that therapy is a crutch or an easy process clearly has not gone to therapy.

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Therapy Takes Courage

Engaging in the process of therapy is a courageous endeavor that is not for the faint of heart. Successful therapy demands that you see what you do not want to see within yourself. We all have parts that we don’t want to see, parts that scare us and that we have carefully hidden deep inside.

Good therapy is meant to help us uncover those parts. Even in the safety of a strong therapeutic relationship, that is no walk in the park. It requires commitment, emotional stamina, capacity to tolerate difficult emotions, capacity to shift attention to different aspects of ourselves at the right moments, and compassion—lots and lots of compassion. It requires dedication and a willingness to be in (inner) places that we haven’t been before, a willingness to be vulnerable.

Vulnerability Is True Strength

Allowing ourselves to be touched and open to experience in a non-defensive way is a very vulnerable thing to do. The idea that this is a weakness is a delusion; nothing takes more courage than to meet the parts of us that are scared and hidden. As long as we try to force our way into seeing our depths, we will not have access; the way in is through vulnerability and allowing our experience be exactly what is.

Allowing ourselves to be touched and open to experience in a non-defensive way is a very vulnerable thing to do. The idea that this is a weakness is a delusion; nothing takes more courage than to meet the parts of us that are scared and hidden.

This is no easy task. Our culture advances a belief that we need to “pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps,” but that belief is based in unconscious fear that dominates our experience—in fact, it is an act of violence toward ourselves.

If instead of beating ourselves into action we learned to invite the shaky, scared parts of us to show up, and we hold them with openness and let ourselves directly feel all of their uncomfortable sensations, we are being as courageous as we can possibly be. We are willing to meet ourselves without hesitation.

If we allow ourselves to feel the sense of deficiency (or whatever we are resisting), without defending against it, in time we can begin to experience a palpable sense of strength, courage, and determination that is not based on ideas of what should be, but are actual, felt experiences. Good therapy can help us with this.

Real Therapy Has Results Beyond the Reduction of Symptoms

There are real, tangible benefits to engaging in this process, including an increased sense of freedom. By understanding and unwinding the inner structures we have hidden inside, we are also recovering a great deal of previously frozen aliveness. By learning to see through our emotional and mental defenses, we also gain openness, awareness, and responsiveness. We become more finely attuned to what we need and to what is needed at any given moment.

A simple way to measure psychological well-being is by how responsive we are to the immediate environment without our old filters getting in the way as much. Neither reactive nor passive, we become able to appropriately act in a way that supports our continuous development.

This is not a mental exercise; it includes all of our being. It includes awareness of our mental, emotional, and somatic (physical) states. It requires uncovering our past beliefs and ideas about reality. It also requires getting to know our limitations and our capacities. And it requires us to not be defended—or at least not extremely defended. In a way, therapy can be an adventure into our inner landscapes, a process in which we are willing to be transformed by self-discovery.

By becoming aware of the parts of us that we didn’t know existed, we can begin to know ourselves in a more intimate way. In turn, our satisfaction in life increases, because our actions, emotions, and thoughts come into greater alignment. Furthermore, by understanding our unconscious inner conflicts and relational patterning, we begin to lessen their impact on our well-being and our capacity to respond appropriately to life.

GoodTherapy | What to Do When You’re the JerkI’ve been a jerk many times in my life. But one time that stands out for me happened when I was 13. I had been invited to the bat mitzvah of a girl I barely knew. A bat mitzvah is a big event; at least 100 people were there. After singing “Happy Birthday,” some kid usually started chanting, “Skip around the room, skip around the room, we won’t shut up until you skip around the room.” Obviously, the intent was to make the birthday child … skip around the room.

On this occasion, I started the chant, but it fell flat on its face. Not a single person joined the chant with me.

It wasn’t until I was in college, recalling this embarrassing incident, that I finally realized my shameful behavior. The birthday girl, who appeared in class sporadically, sometimes showed up on crutches and sometimes arrived in a wheelchair. I had completely forgotten about her disability because she had put them aside for her bat mitzvah. Ignorantly, obliviously, I had thrown her illness in everyone’s face. What a horrible child!

It’s easier to forgive a child’s behavior than an adult’s. It’s also easier to forgive unintentional cruelty than intentional harm. But regardless, I will always feel a little ashamed that I hurt that girl and her family that day.

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Shame, that gut-wrenching, nauseating feeling, keeps people from acknowledging when they’ve been hurtful. So often, admitting that you’re guilty means being overcome with shame. We all want to be the good guy. It’s awful to discover that we’ve been the villain.

The other thing that stops people from admitting when they’ve been wrong is punishment. Often, the punishment is shame: “Shame on you!” If a person admits to a spouse that he or she has been overreactive or harsh toward the spouse, will the person be understood and forgiven or will he/she be punished and repeatedly shamed?

Being able to take responsibility for one’s bad behavior is in everyone’s best interest. Being condescending, being harshly critical, being explosive, being prejudiced—these behaviors and more may occur for all of us, but unacknowledged and unchecked, they can become a person’s identity, overshadowing higher qualities and damaging or destroying relationships.

What to do:

What not to do:
Twelve-step groups, support groups, and psychotherapy can assist individuals in regaining clarity and self-compassion in order to end abusive behaviors, including the abusive behavior of self-loathing and self-abuse.

These suggestions are sometimes easier said than done. It can take time, patience, and emotional support to work through these steps. A person may not get the understanding and forgiveness he or she desires. It’s important to do it anyway, regardless of the reaction. Just because someone becomes aware of his or her behavior doesn’t mean it won’t happen again. Hopefully, with repeated awareness and commitment, the person can learn to stop it faster.

In families that carry histories of substance abuse and/or physical abuse, the level of damage can be extreme, resulting in a greater need to justify, ignore, or suppress awareness of these behaviors. Twelve-step groups, support groups, and psychotherapy can assist individuals in regaining clarity and self-compassion in order to end abusive behaviors, including the abusive behavior of self-loathing and self-abuse.

No one is perfect. There is no shame in learning, growing, and striving to be your best self.

Woman jeans and sneaker shoesWhen your “get up and go” has “got up and left,” when there’s no more “pep” left in your step, sometimes the best thing you can do is just stop trying for a while.

Moving forward feels great, but movement takes energy. When’s the last time you took a break without feeling guilty?

If you dislike the idea of resting, it might help to know that it’s a productive and appropriate project that could help you get your groove back.

Having said that, maybe you don’t have the option of sitting around doing nothing. Somehow, you’ve got to find or create the motivation to get moving again, regardless of how stuck you feel.

That’s when it’s time to do two things.

The first is to remind yourself of your own agency. No matter how helpless you may feel at a time like this, no matter what challenges you face, you have control over the little things in your life.

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You’re the only one who gets to decide whether to brush your teeth, rinse out that empty yogurt container, or sweep up that debris on the floor near the front door.

When life won’t give up its rewards to you, you can still reward yourself with clean hair, a timeout, or—here’s a novel idea—a carrot. (Make it a baby carrot with peanut butter; you need the nutrients.)

Losing motivation creates a sense of powerlessness, not to mention a lack of direction and purpose. It casts a spell that makes you forget your autonomy. But total powerlessness is most often an illusion.

Who else makes those moment-to-moment decisions about whether to wash a dish, darn a sock, or do a push-up?

When you feel paralyzed by obstacles like apathy, low energy, or indecision, taking small, unrelated actions can rev that idling engine.

When you feel paralyzed by obstacles like apathy, low energy, or indecision, taking small, unrelated actions can rev that idling engine.

The best activities are simple acts of grooming and household management.

Sprucing up your résumé and applying for jobs on the Internet is not a small action; don’t ask yourself to do that before you have some wins under your belt in the form of clipped nails, a tidy drawer, or a changed light bulb.

Once you inspire yourself by being proactive in smaller tasks, you’ll be better able to roll up your sleeves and do some heavy lifting on the bigger stuff.

The second thing to do if you’ve lost your mojo is to follow these three, simple words: Just start it. I remember an instructor in graduate school telling us that if you simply begin to do a task, motivation kicks in within 10 seconds.

You read that right: 10 seconds may be all it takes to shift from “I don’t want to do it” to “I’m already doing it, so I might as well continue.”

Let’s say, for example, you’re trying to get yourself to go to the gym. Get up right now and gather your workout clothes and/or shoes. Fill a water bottle or do whatever it takes to prep for a trip to the gym.

You’re far more likely to follow through and actually go if you start doing anything related to your goal.

Between these two tools—inspiring yourself through small actions or committing to just 10 seconds of activity—you’ll be able to make more progress than you would by sitting there berating yourself for being stuck.

Loss of motivation can be a symptom of depression. If your condition becomes entrenched, please consider speaking with a counselor or other mental health professional.

people with umbrellas waiting to cross streetMost of the people who come to my office are contemplating a life change or trying to feel better about one that happened recently. They feel stressed and unsure about decisions they have to make, such as a parenting issue or what to do after graduation. Or they are unhappy about a decision that has been made for them (divorce, layoff, medical issue).

Many times, there is some room to move within this uncomfortable spot. A person can try to improve a relationship, job marketability, or health. But what are we to do when a life situation involves working with the unchangeable? How does solution-focused therapy help people live and thrive when something about their situation is completely outside their control?

Have you been stuck with a situation that feels unbearable? This might include:

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Feeling powerless and at a dead end is how some people I work with describe themselves in these situations. They can take some small steps in some of these cases, but for the most part these people feel like they have no control.

I find it to be NOT useful in these moments to remind people of all they have. Someone who is mourning the end of a relationship is unlikely to appreciate his or her health, and someone whose financial woes have overtaken daily life is usually unable to be glad that at least he or she has a job. A couple struggling to conceive a child may not feel fortunate that “at least” they have this or that. Gratitude is a powerful, necessary element of life which unfortunately does not initially help those who are feeling regret, guilt, and sadness.

Gratitude is a powerful, necessary element of life which unfortunately does not initially help those who are feeling regret, guilt, and sadness.

When we must live with the unchangeable, I find it most useful to find outlets for the feelings that result from our position of powerlessness or suffering. There are plenty of tactics that we can use with cognitive therapy to help someone compartmentalize thoughts about his or her situation so that the person can function throughout the day. But what about those unstructured times, such as in the shower, driving, or late at night when the house is quiet, when the feelings creep in and feel hard to withstand?

Acknowledge your feelings, but give them a place to go. Even if you write the same thing down every night for a month in a cognitive thought chart, it is important to allow your expression to have an outlet. This could also look like a journal, a walk where you allow your thoughts to fill the time, a yoga or exercise practice, or creative expression such as painting, gardening, or baking.

Accept that, for now, these feelings and thoughts about your unchangeable situation are going to be with you for a while, but they do not have to paralyze you or sink you like an anchor. For example, people who struggle with grief come to think of that heavy feeling as one that can accompany them for a few hours but does not have to keep them from going about their days. In time, this becomes easier as you welcome the feelings that come and then go in waves. When they arise, they can go with you throughout your day. You can familiarize yourself with what they feel like and be extra compassionate with yourself. You will see that your feelings are nothing more than emotional states that come and go throughout your life. You can endure them. You were built with resilience to manage them.

Make some meaning out of your daily routine that gives you power over your situation. You may not be able to swap out your boss, move the calendar forward faster, or undo something you regret, but you have control over how you think and feel about these things today. Take charge of what you can. Have a brainstorming session about what could be part of your day that you think will help you feel good. Start with little things—guaranteed things that you know bring you happiness. Start your morning in the most positive way possible, employing these ideas as much as you can. Hang your expression of art or wear a token of strength or memory to remind yourself that you are honoring the unchangeable but not controlled by it.

How a Therapist Can Help

Seek therapy to put this situation to rest. It might sound elusive, but many people find that achieving peace with their situation is a process that is helped by the presence of a skilled professional. A therapist can help you understand why you might be stuck on a certain part of your story, or help you gain clarity to the meaning of holding on to the feelings you have.

At the very least, it is a great relief to have another person on your team during a time you feel powerless. We all need someone who believes in our ability to endure the unchangeable, and who can abide with our journey.

Important Notice

GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.