There have been countless articles—including some of my own—about the hazards of so-called “helicopter parenting,” the current trend of over-watchful, over-involved child rearing (also known as cosseting). By now, many people are familiar with stories of adult children who can’t leave home because they lack life skills, anxious teens whose schedules rival those of corporate CEOs, and parents who expect their toddlers to learn Mandarin and excel in five sports.

But in these times, when many of us feel alienated from our government, our neighbors, and sometimes our families, it’s worthwhile to rethink the benefits of kids being more connected to their parents. After all, parents started parenting this way for a reason. We were reacting against the free-form, unbounded childhoods we experienced, in which many of us faced daily dangers and years of floundering without oversight or steady guidance. We were the kids who came home to empty houses and wandered the neighborhood all afternoon, getting ourselves into physically and emotionally treacherous experiences. Because our parents were afraid to broach the subjects of sex, drugs, and violence, we got the information from our friends, who got all sorts of details wrong. As a result, many grew up feeling unseen, unsupported, and confused.

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While helicoptering has its flaws—most notably how it often fails to teach kids how to think on their own and make bold decisions in the face of uncertainty—it also has many advantages, some of which have gone unheralded. Here are some of the reasons parents may choose to be very involved in their kids’ lives, and some of the benefits to both children and society.

1. These kids feel supported.

Children, from the millennial generation to the current one, typically know that their parents have their backs. They grow up with a sense of security, knowing a framework is around them. This might give them more freedom to fail and to experiment, because someone is there to provide a net. Yes, young adults these days move in with their parents more often and rely on their families for financial support more than ever before. But this also allows them time to grow without as much pressure and danger as previous generations experienced.

Research has shown recently how the brain does not fully mature until our mid- to late-20s. Knowing this, why aren’t we more accepting of the idea that a 21-year-old college graduate might still need more time to feel fully launched? The average age to get married and have children has increased over the past few decades, and many people accept the idea that it might help to be more mature before leaping into these commitments. Likewise, young adults are taking longer to enter the workforce or buy a home; although economic factors contribute to that reality, couldn’t it be argued that it’s not necessarily the worst thing to delay these moves until they’re adequately prepared?

2. These kids feel seen and known.

Alice Miller writes in The Drama of the Gifted Child how parents who are preoccupied with meeting their own needs first can create children who feel unseen. Today’s parenting, however, tends to be highly focused on the child instead of the parents’ needs. While a degree of balance would be ideal, the value of this imbalance is that children these days know they are fully understood by their families. These kids get therapy, school testing, vocational evaluations, extracurricular trainings, and more. And while they may be overscheduled and over-observed, they are also privy to a large amount of information about their temperaments, skills, and interests.

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The great thing about that is this generation of kids may not have as much of a struggle, or take as long, as previous generations did to know themselves. They may be able to make better partnerships and be better parents because they are not, as Miller writes, struggling to heal old wounds and blindly fighting the shadows of the past.

3. These kids have a sense of community and connectedness.

In the essay that spurred my thinking on this topic, Jennifer Trainor writes, “What if we are moving away from individualism and autonomy (with its requirements that we push away from our parents, rebel against the establishment and its institutions, like school) and entering a much more connected, inter-dependence?”

There are real benefits to doing something you’re bad at. It increases resilience, teaches how to hold onto self-esteem, and reduces perfectionism.

Trainor is asking this: Are we looking for the kind of communalism that marked American life in the beginning of the last century, when families lived with or nearby each other, neighbors helped one another, and people intrinsically trusted the government to be benevolent and generous? And does that desire to be close to others both encourage today’s parents to dote on their children and allow the children to stay close and reliant on their parents? A century ago, there was nothing wrong with, say, expecting your parents to help raise your children or provide you with a job. This gave people a sense of kinship and lineage. It sounds much more pleasant than the current overarching sense of alienation and existential loneliness.

4. These kids benefit from doing stuff they’re not good at.

Yes, our kids tend to have too many activities, leaving them without enough unstructured play time. But it also pushes them to persevere at pursuits they might not have thought of on their own, even though they may not excel at them. Thirty years ago, kids tended to gravitate toward one pastime—usually something they had an affinity for—and stuck with it. We rarely tried our hands at many different sports or arts, and as as result we were less well-rounded.

There are real benefits to doing something you’re bad at. It increases resilience, teaches how to hold onto self-esteem, and reduces perfectionism. To be the slowest runner on the soccer field week after week demands a huge amount of persistence, which years later can give kids a major leg up in the business world.

5. These kids have tried a little of everything and thus are better equipped to make good career choices.

Speaking of the business world, trying their hand at so many recreational activities may also help this generation of children to pick job fields. Compared to teens of the past, they may have a higher awareness of themselves at a young age. The parents who have driven them to music lessons, football games, and chess club meetings have instilled in these kids the knowledge that they are good at organization, perhaps, or lousy at spatial relations. These pieces of information give them a sense of what they have to offer to employers and which fields might be best avoided.

6. These kids will take care of us (and pass on the same family values).

Finally, there’s an upside to parents as well as to kids. In addition to having children who like us and want to stay in touch, we may also be creating a community with an overall sense of family connectedness. As they grow, children who were parented closely often want to remain close. Perhaps this will diminish the fears we have about an aging society, where seniors become lonely and neglected. Perhaps, just perhaps, helicoptered children may someday hover over their parents and return the favor.

There’s a lot of fear in society about the ways technology creates distance and isolation. We look at the younger generations with their heads buried in their phones and wonder if they will know how to make conversation or form connections. But we forget that, even on those phones, they are in constant communication—not only with their friends, but with us. Through this lens, helicopter parenting might be considered an antidote to the loneliness of the digital age, a way to create snug, loving bonds with our children.

References:

1. Miller, A. (1997). The Drama of the Gifted Child. New York, NY: Basic Books.
2. Trainor, J. (2016, March 7). Does Helicopter Parenting Harm Kids’ Ability to Think for Themselves? Retrieved from https://medium.com/@jstrainor/lythcott-haims-book-led-me-to-terry-castle-s-2012-essay-about-helicopter-parenting-an-essay-that-5732281d6ce1#.sferakci8

If your partner’s anger leaves you feeling drained, hurt, or unsure how to respond, you’re not alone. Many people in relationships struggle to navigate intense emotions in ways that protect both their well-being and their connection. An angry partner’s behaviors can strain communication, erode trust, and damage the relationship’s health.

The good news is that you can take steps to respond calmly, protect yourself emotionally, and create space for healthier interactions. Drawing on therapeutic principles, here are eight strategies for dealing with an angry partner and restoring harmony in your relationship.

Understanding the Impact of Anger in Relationships

When anger becomes a regular presence in a relationship, it can harm emotional safety and trust. Anger can be detrimental to relationships when it’s expressed through criticism, defensiveness, or hostility. It may leave you feeling unheard, frustrated, and disconnected.

However, learning to respond constructively—not with equal anger—can shift the dynamic. Using skills like emotional regulation, respectful communication, and boundary setting, you can protect your well-being and possibly encourage positive change in your partner.

8 Strategies for Dealing with an Angry Partner

1. De-escalate and Neutralize Emotionally

If you try to control an angry partner, they may become defensive and even less cooperative. Instead of reacting with your own anger, recognize their feelings and stay calm. The calmer you remain, the quicker their anger is likely to subside.

The ultimate goal of de-escalation is to reduce emotional intensity and redirect the conversation toward cooperation.

2. Be Assertive and Respectful

Assertiveness means expressing your needs and boundaries clearly, while respecting your partner’s feelings. This approach shows confidence and honesty without aggression. When you communicate assertively, you empower both yourself and your partner to take responsibility for their role in the relationship.

3. Communicate Constructively, Understand, and Validate

People often become angry when they feel unheard, dismissed, or unappreciated. Actively listening—without judgment—can help de-escalate their anger.

Validation doesn’t mean agreeing with everything your partner says; it means acknowledging their perspective and emotions. You might say, “What I hear you saying is ____. Is that correct?” This slight shift can make your partner feel respected and understood.

If you’re struggling to find common ground, consider finding a therapist who can guide you both toward more constructive conversations.

4. Practice Patience and Compassion

Beneath anger often lie more vulnerable emotions like sadness, fear, or pain. While anger may help someone feel in control temporarily, it can cause long-term harm to both partners. Practicing compassion toward your partner can help shift the focus from blame to empathy.

Patience allows you to pause before reacting, creating room for more thoughtful responses and mutual understanding. While patience helps keep emotions in check, it’s also important to consider which conflicts truly need addressing—some disagreements are better set aside.

5. Pick Your Battles and Think Long-Term

Not every disagreement needs to become a conflict. Choosing which issues are worth addressing can protect your energy and the relationship.

Let go of minor grievances and focus on the topics that truly matter for your shared future. Exercising restraint can sometimes be the wisest strategy.

6. Reflect on Your Actions and Understand the Triggers

Being accountable for your role in conflicts can reduce defensiveness on both sides. Consider what actions may trigger their anger and how you can adjust your own responses.

Greater awareness often leads to more constructive behavior and improved relationship health.

7. Address Your Challenge When Your Partner Is Calm

Problem-solving is rarely effective when emotions are running high. Wait until both you and your partner are calm before addressing concerns.

If your partner has a pattern of angry behavior, use the calmer moments to discuss underlying issues and explore solutions.

8. Think Influence, Not Control

You cannot control another person, but you can influence them by modeling respectful behavior and creating an environment that supports cooperation.

Treating your partner with kindness, even when tensions are high, may increase the likelihood of positive change. The saying, “You catch more flies with honey than vinegar,” applies here—empathy and patience can open the door to better communication.

When to Seek Professional Support

Self-help strategies can be powerful, but there are times when professional intervention is necessary. Consider reaching out to a therapist if:

• Your partner’s anger feels threatening

• The anger is frequent and intense

• You feel unsafe, emotionally drained, or unable to communicate effectively

A trained professional can help both of you explore underlying causes and develop healthier patterns.

The GoodTherapy Approach

For over 17 years, GoodTherapy has been committed to connecting people with ethical, compassionate therapists. Our therapist directory includes professionals specializing in anger management, relationship counseling, and emotional regulation.

If you’re struggling to navigate a partner’s anger, remember you don’t have to face it alone. A qualified therapist can help you both develop healthier communication and coping strategies—find a therapist today who can support your relationship’s growth.

As we grow and develop from children to young adults, we listen and learn from the world and others around us. When others listen to and learn from us, we learn that our needs are valid and that we are valuable. We learn that we are individuals with our own identities and our own ideas and sets of behaviors. When our environment is healthy, we grow into adults with a healthy sense of self. We learn that our opinions and thoughts are important. We know who we are.

Those who do not grow up in a healthy environment—perhaps one scarred by emotional or physical abuse, neglect, or over-parenting—may not develop a sense of self in the same way. Their identities may have been minimally acknowledged, if at all. When feelings and thoughts are ignored in childhood, children may grow up not recognizing that they have their own ideas and sets of behaviors. If children are forced to yield to others’ thoughts, wants, and needs continually over time, the development of their identity may suffer. As they grow into adults, they may question, “Who am I?”

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Adults who do not have a solid sense of self at times may rely on the opinions, feelings, and thoughts of others. They may yield to their friends’ sense of fashion, buy a car that is deemed “popular,” or participate in activities they do not truly enjoy. They may allow others to make decisions for them. As this pattern continues, it can leave a person feeling depressed or anxious about choices they make and what their lives have become. They may feel helpless or even hopeless at times. Unfortunately, as this pattern continues, their sense of self may further deteriorate, leaving them feeling less and less connected to themselves.

When we have our own sense of identity, we are better able to make decisions and navigate life with more ease. We are able to include friends and partners in our lives who are emotionally healthy and with whom we can share ourselves in a healthy way. Learning about ourselves and developing a solid sense of identity can help us feel more fulfilled and happy because we are better able to guide our lives to what we desire.

The following tips can help you develop a better sense of who you are and increase self-awareness:

1. Get to Know Yourself

Begin making a list of things about you. This may feel intimidating at first, so start small. For example, make a list of five to seven easy “favorites,” such as your favorite color, favorite ice cream flavor, favorite movie, favorite flower, and favorite food. Create a new list once or twice per week and aim to include five to seven items per list. Make a list of smells you enjoy, such as warm cookies or freshly cut grass. List books you enjoyed reading or would like to read in the future. Make a list of your favorite video games or board games as a child. List states and countries you’d like to visit. Over time, expand and grow your lists to thoughts about political views, hobbies, career choices, and any other items that pique your interest. If you feel stuck, ask friends and family for suggestions about new topics.

Over time, not only will you get to know yourself better and slowly recognize your individuality, but you may begin feeling more confident in your ability to do so.

2. Listen to Your Mind and Body

If you pay attention to them, feelings and physical cues can help you develop awareness of your likes and dislikes.

Your feelings and body can tell you a lot about your thoughts and interests. When you participate in activities such as drawing, sports, or social events, how do you feel? Do you laugh and feel happy? Are you tense or relaxed? During what types of movies do you laugh or cry?

If you pay attention to them, feelings and physical cues can help you develop awareness of your likes and dislikes.

3. Begin Making Decisions

Decision-making is a skill built over time. Like a muscle, this behavior needs to be flexed to develop and stay fit.

When making decisions with friends about the next dinner get-together, be sure to cast your vote about the location and meeting time. Discuss with your partner your opinions about the remodeling of the bathroom. When grocery shopping for the family, don’t forget to pick up food you personally enjoy. Buy that new sweater you want even if you’re not sure anyone else will like it. When your friend or partner asks if you’d like to see the 7:30 or 9:30 show, state a preference instead of deferring. Have a voice and let it be heard.

4. Take Charge

As you begin to develop a sense of your interests, begin planning activities once or twice a week that engage your senses. Call a friend and invite them to participate in an activity you enjoy, or make a date with yourself and plan a fun day. Take a walk in the park, go to the market, see a new movie, sign up for the company softball event, or all of the above.

Most importantly, get out there and have fun doing what you love.

The job-search process can be a nightmare for the already paranoid among us. Personal information is routinely mailed and blasted out to unknown parties every day; sometimes you send the information, sometimes it’s a recruiter sending the information. You never know who’s asking about you, or even who they might be asking. If you know someone who works for the employer you are targeting, what initially seemed like a connection becomes a potential liability: what if that person says something negative?

That leads to the hair-prickling question that stops all of us mid-celebratory jig in the parking lot when we hear we got an offer pending a background check: they need to check references. What will your references say?

References are a key part of most job applications. A glowing reference can be the difference between getting hired or not even getting a call back, so it’s important to think carefully about who you want answering questions about you that you can’t necessarily predict. Fortunately, many people in the professional world are flattered by requests to serve as references, and most want to be perceived as positive and helpful. Giving a bad reference detracts from that pursuit. From a purely self-serving point of view, it’s often not worth being brutally honest to a contact’s potential employer if it means diminishing one’s own image.

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Of course, it helps to line up your references—three to five is standard—and prepare them as best you can. Ideal candidates for references include:

• Former supervisors
• Former coworkers
• Business partners, clients, or customers
• Colleagues at other companies who collaborated with you in some way
• Members of professional organizations/committees you work(ed) on
• Professors (in some cases—for academic jobs, obviously, but this can work for students looking for work for the first time as well)
• Academic advisers—if you are a student looking for a job for the first time and you regularly check in with your adviser and the two of you have a good relationship

6 Tips for Developing Professional References

1. Ask first: Always ask a prospective reference if they would be willing to provide a strong recommendation for you to another employer. If you detect any hesitation, move on to someone else. Don’t take it personally. Some people just don’t feel comfortable giving references. Also, the person in question may not feel they know enough about you as a professional to provide a credible reference. Any lack of enthusiasm from a potential reference is a sign you should try someone else.
2. Avoid friends and family: Though they surely have great things to say about you, friends and family members are generally not good professional references unless they have had a direct business relationship with you. And even then, a potential employer may look at them more as a character reference than one who can objectively assess your skills. The latter type of reference tends to be more valuable than the former.
3. Be careful with current coworkers: Because of liability concerns, some employers do not allow managers, supervisors, or even employees to provide references for fellow employees. But people are often willing to look past those policies and provide a reference anyway, as long as they have developed a strong relationship with the person and know what they have to say is positive. If keeping your search confidential is a priority or you’re worried how your current employer would react to news of you looking to leave, make sure you trust any coworkers you do ask and let them know about any workplace-related concerns you have.
4. Lose the letters: If possible, avoid letters of recommendation in favor of basic contact information in the form of name, current title and employer, phone number, and professional email address. Potential employers recognize that letters of recommendation tend to be carefully crafted to project a certain image, and many recruiters prefer to talk to someone who can speak candidly and off-the-cuff about your strengths and possible weaknesses. Not providing that opportunity to a potential employer may serve as a red flag that, in a worst-case scenario, removes you from consideration.
5. Provide some coaching: It may be helpful to provide prospective references with relevant details of the job you are applying for and perhaps previous experiences you would like them to highlight (if they can). Also, if there are any duties you would rather not repeat, you might want to ask them not to play up those skills as much as others.
6. Follow up and express thanks: Some recruiters might check in with only one reference, while others contact all. Regardless of which references are contacted, be sure to thank all of them when your job search has ended. Staying in periodic contact thereafter can be a good way to nurture the relationship and show that you value it beyond merely what it can do for you. If appropriate, offer to return the favor should they ever need a reference of their own.

While requests for references can seem like a huge piece of the job-search puzzle that is outside your control, it is in fact one where you have a lot of control. You get to choose who speaks about you and, to some extent, shape the conversation in advance. With a little bit of preparation, you have the opportunity to assemble a strong panel of advocates to help you get your dream job.

People seek counseling for any number of reasons, but something every person I have ever seen had in common is wanting to feel better quickly. I can hardly blame them. When I am not feeling well or things aren’t going right, I want things fixed in as little time as possible.

It is part of our human nature to seek solutions. When we are in pain of any kind, the brain immediately starts scanning to find a way out of the discomfort. The reality is that, for most of the people I work with in therapy, it takes time to work through and resolve the issues at the root of their pain. A longer-than-expected timeline for relief can be discouraging for the person seeking help. To give a person some degree of relief in the present moment, it is necessary to implement stabilization and coping skills so they can begin improving their quality of life and functioning.

There are so many options when we starting talking about coping and stabilization skills. Go to the self-help section of any bookstore and you will see several selections for coping with life. I have a bookshelf and a file drawer full of countless options, and it can be overwhelming to decide where to start. Each skill has its benefits and strengths, and it’s handy to have a variety of tools for handling life’s stressors. That said, I have a favorite: the simple, yet powerful, breath.

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This is where I start with most people: just breathing, paying attention to the breath, and noticing the depth and rate. It sounds so easy, right? As straightforward as it may seem, the breath has serious influence when it comes to calming the nervous system.

Let’s talk about science for a moment. Bessel van der Kolk (2012) does an excellent job of explaining how the nervous system operates in his book The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. In the book, van der Kolk discusses Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory, which is all about the role of the vagus nerve in arousal and social engagement.

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It comes down to this: We have two branches of the nervous system. The sympathetic nervous system, which can be considered “the accelerator in the nervous system” (van der Kolk, 2012), controls levels of arousal and the fight-or-flight response so we can effectively respond to threats. When this part of the nervous system is activated, the heart rate goes up, breathing becomes shallow and fast, and blood rushes to the extremities in preparation for fight or flight following the cues being sent from the sympathetic nervous system.

By connecting to the breath, you are able to be in the moment, becoming more mindful with what is happening now as opposed to engaging in the mental chaos that so often distracts us from what is actually happening around us.

Of course, this reaction is not activated only in response to actual threats to safety. It also happens in response to life’s stressors, including any core issues or traumas we haven’t yet worked through. Therefore, we end up experiencing all of the physical and mental consequences when are in a state of chronic sympathetic nervous system arousal (van der Kolk, 2012).

The other branch of the nervous system, the parasympathetic nervous system, is “the brake of the nervous system” (van der Kolk, 2012). The vagus nerve controls this part of the nervous system and can be broken down further to the dorsal vagal complex and the ventral vagal complex. The dorsal vagal complex is designed to drop your body into a freeze-and-flop response when the sympathetic nervous response is unsuccessful in achieving fight or flight. This is the state of shutdown or hypoarousal (van der Kolk, 2012).

Similarly, the ventral vagal complex also slows the body down, but it differs from the dorsal vagal complex in that its main function is not to respond in an extreme way to a threat or high levels of stress. Rather, it activates a relaxation response and helps the body to grow, heal, and digest. It also helps us to seek out and connect with others. When the ventral vagal complex is activated, we can feel a wide range of emotions but the nervous system is not overwhelmed and thus does not have to enter the shutdown response.

Here is where the breath comes in: When you breathe out slowly and mindfully, the ventral vagal complex is activated and your body is able to relax. More blood is directed to the parts of your brain that are involved in problem solving, and you are able to enter the state of social engagement. By connecting to the breath, you are able to be in the moment, becoming more mindful with what is happening now as opposed to engaging in the mental chaos that so often distracts us from what is actually happening around us. By specifically paying attention to exhaling, you are simultaneously calming the body and the mind (van der Kolk, 2012).

Harnessing the power of the breath is something we all can benefit from at any time. Regardless of whether a person is in therapy, we all need to calm the nervous system from time to time. Being mindful of the breath can help a person to deal with everyday stresses that we all inevitably encounter. Simply paying attention to breathing can help us to focus better and, therefore, make us more productive and effective in our lives.

Reference:

van der Kolk, B. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. New York, NY: Viking.

While it’s inevitable that couples experience ups and downs over the course of a long-term relationship, there are times when conflict can reach a critical point and the prospect of a breakup begins to feel more real. Deciding whether to stay or go can be tough. Often, the relationship can feel compromised due to a variety of concerns that have not been adequately addressed. While it can be challenging to identify the real issues and determine the best course of action, doing so may lead to clarity and confidence as you move toward a decision. It can also help you to honor the good in the relationship and amicably move forward in your separate lives.

As a licensed marriage and family therapist, I greatly appreciate the extensive body of research that Dr. John Gottman and his team contributed to the field of couples relationships. When couples enter therapy, I find it helpful to review some of his core findings about relationships in order to provide an overview of the qualities and attributes that will help them to be more effective with each other.

Here are some points to consider if you’ve been feeling conflicted about ending a long-term relationship:

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1. Trust and Commitment

Perhaps there has been a rupture in the relationship and you find yourself wondering whether trust and commitment, two essentials, still exist in your relationship. Sometimes these two areas become so compromised that day-to-day life together starts to feel toxic. When this happens, it’s important to take inventory and understand each other’s perspective about what’s not working.

As a pro-relationship therapist, I believe there is value in working through relationship challenges. In exploring and sharing important feelings, individuals may begin to feel a sense of relief and a feeling of finally being understood—two important components involved in repairing damage and trust ruptures. When each person is able to identify their experience in their relationship, feel heard, and reach a mutual understanding about what needs to shift, couples are often able to move from feeling stuck to feeling more accepted by their partner. This shift in perspective often has a profound impact on a couple’s ability to nurture a more positive atmosphere with each other.

2. Friendship and Curiosity

Do you remember what it was like when you met your partner? Perhaps a thrilling sensation would pulse through your body when you knew you were getting together. You felt alive, curious, and desired at the same time! Everything was new and exciting—even a mundane afternoon together somehow felt like the most interesting day of the year. During the early stages of your relationship, you likely engaged your partner in a way that made them feel special, asking a lot of questions, eager to understand all the complexities that made up their unique way of navigating the world.

It is not uncommon for this level of curiosity to fade over the course of long-term relationships—you get into a routine, you know your person, so why bother asking questions anymore? This type of thinking can be detrimental to your friendship. A solid friendship allows couples to weather the inevitable ups and downs of their intimate relationship and to support each other as individuals separate from their partnership. When we stop being curious about our partner, the relationship may become stagnant.

3. Conflict Management

Do you find that you’re constantly at odds? If you’re able to repair arguments often, conflict might not be cause for concern. Research conducted by Dr. Gottman found that it’s not necessarily conflict or negative contact that is the issue in relationships, but rather that conflict in the absence of positivity and repair is predictive of instability. Gottman notes that when there is a 5-to-1 ratio of positive-to-negative interactions, the relationship is likely to be stable. Positive interactions include not only the obvious but also more subtle gestures, such as a glance in your partner’s direction when they are making a point or a follow-up question to an expressed need. Positive interactions demonstrate that your partner is present and responsive to you and your needs.

A solid friendship allows couples to weather the inevitable ups and downs of their intimate relationship and to support each other as individuals separate from their partnership.

In times of conflict, if you find that you are not able to repair and that any attempts to repair or make light of a situation are met with cold indifference, anger, or hostility, you and your partner may benefit from exploring your experience of each other more in-depth. The ability to repair can include the following: taking some responsibility for what went wrong, accepting your partner’s influence, and demonstrating a willingness to participate in a conversation about what happened and what could be better.

When thinking about resolving conflict in your relationship, how can you nurture an atmosphere of positivity? If it’s typically difficult for you and your partner to make repair attempts, you may need to work on the underlying dynamics that prevent you from being more effective with each other.

4. Solvable vs. Perpetual Problems

In his research, Dr. Gottman emphasizes the importance of understanding the critical difference between relationship problems that are solvable and the ones that will always be there. I find this distinction to be incredibly hopeful. Couples often enter therapy in order to gain the clarity, skills, and confidence necessary to negotiate, on an ongoing basis, the many different points of contention unique to their relationship. In identifying which problems are which (solvable vs. perpetual), couples can begin to more effectively negotiate and compromise. For example, perhaps you have a contentious relationship with your partner’s best friend or an in-law. These situations can pose a big challenge for any couple; however, they are quite common and need to be addressed on an ongoing basis. For perpetual problems, the solution typically involves reaching a compromise.

Although spending time and energy on working through a relationship challenge may sound simple, it can sometimes be complicated due to past hurts or a lack of trust in a particular area, making it quite difficult for many people. If this area has been problematic for you and your partner, you may benefit from couples counseling in order to gain awareness, insight, and the skills necessary to negotiate important topics with greater ease.

5. Honoring Each Other’s Life Dreams

Do you sometimes wonder whether you and your partner want different things in life? You and your partner may have significant differences in your life goals, and that’s okay. The important thing to consider is whether you’re willing to support each other in accomplishing your respective life dreams. In thinking about ambitions, it’s helpful to consider them in categories. For example, what are some of your personal and professional goals?

For some people, it might be easy to define personal and professional life dreams. For others, it might involve more thought and soul-searching. If you are having trouble identifying these areas, start by considering what makes you feel happy, inspired, and joyful. Then think about your partner’s goals. Is your list similar in some ways? Are there significant differences? If so, what do you anticipate might be some of the challenges? Honoring the life dreams of a partner may involve some compromise, so it’s important to consider what you’re willing to compromise and what you’re not. This is an area that is worthy of thoughtful discussion so you can be informed and on the same page about accomplishing your respective goals.

Over the life of any relationship, feeling disappointed and hurt at times is inevitable. And while a breakup is sometimes unavoidable, other times it’s possible to work through difficulties and achieve a closer connection. Whatever the situation, it can be helpful to spend time reflecting on the areas mentioned above to help you determine a thoughtful decision. If you are committed to your partner but are having difficulty engaging in these topics or moving through your unique relationship challenges, you may want to seek couples counseling to help you to improve the quality of your relationship.

Reference:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York, NY: Crown Publishers.

People with narcissistic qualities tend to view life in black-and-white: a world of only losers and winners, victims and victimizers. They loathe feeling like losers or victims. In the case of parents with narcissism, they often shunt those roles onto their children.

Why? Because people with narcissism need to be fed. A person with extreme narcissistic tendencies is like a balloon with a hole, endlessly leaking esteem, always needing a refill. Such a person’s air supply: attention. And who better to provide attention than the captive audience of one’s children?

If you had a parent with narcissism, you may have been trained to focus not on your own feelings and needs, but rather on those of your parent. Parents with narcissism may wheedle, confuse, or bully you into attending to them, ignoring their lies, and tiptoeing around their vulnerabilities. They generally need your life to be about them. Some people with narcissism, feeling empty at their core and lacking a healthy sense of self, may steal from your very relationship with yourself.

But you aren’t a child anymore. You have power and options you never had as a child. Here are six ways you can take back your life after a narcissistic upbringing:

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1. See Beyond the Narcissistic Facade

People with narcissism tend to be pretenders. Dwelling in a cyclone of shame, they live in mortal terror of anybody saying the emperor has no clothes. They fear being seen as flawed or ignorant and hate feeling powerless or embarrassed. These fears tend to drive their behavior. To avoid feeling flawed, they have to be the best and insist on perfection from others. To avoid feeling ignorant, they act like know-it-alls and rarely admit they are wrong. To avoid feeling powerless, they act larger than life. And when they feel embarrassed, their volcanic rage may erupt, burying anyone in their path.

When you know this, you can see what drives their outlandish behaviors. You don’t have to take it personally, wondering what you did wrong.

2. Identify Distortions and Double Standards

When people with narcissism make a mistake, they tend to blame others. When you make a mistake, they blame you. When they succeed, they cite their superior character. When you succeed—thus temporarily stealing the spotlight they so crave—they may take credit for your success, call it a fluke, or diminish it by pointing out other times you have failed.

People with narcissism tend to distract and disguise. Like kids caught with their hands in the candy jar, they may try to confuse, belittle, bully, or otherwise avoid responsibility for their actions.

Don’t be taken in. Pay attention to what they do, not what they say. Their words are often attempts to throw you off and make you feel small or doubtful while making themselves feel big. Their arguments are generally not to be taken seriously or even responded to, because if you refute one argument, they may simply come up with another and another.

When they are abusive, manipulative, or withholding, see it for what it is. They are using you to avoid their own issues and satisfy their urges. They may feel entitled to do so. This is not healthy. Nobody is entitled to abuse or use another.

3. If You Are Drawn to People with Narcissistic Qualities, Be Clear About Why

If you have been drawn to people with narcissism, it may be because it is simply a familiar dynamic. But it can also reflect an unconscious hope that if you can find a person with narcissistic tendencies who happens to treat you well, it will make up for what you didn’t get years ago from a parent with narcissism. It is an understandable wish. Yet relationships with people with narcissism are often disappointing and superficial because people with narcissism generally don’t care about treating others well.

You don’t have to deny your desire for justice, validation, or reparation. But you can never get back lost years, nor are you likely to get an apology.

If you feel unfulfilled in a relationship or wonder if a friend or partner has narcissism, ask yourself why you are with them. Do you hope to change or reform them? Do you hope someday they will see how good you are and mend their ways? Pursuing relationships with people with narcissism may simply postpone facing the painful recognition that your parent couldn’t be there for you. Accepting and mourning that unfortunate truth can allow you to focus on what is best for you and pick healthier relationships.

You don’t have to deny your desire for justice, validation, or reparation. But you can never get back lost years, nor are you likely to get an apology. You will almost certainly never be rescued if you wait for it. The only person who can make it right is you, by your choices and by how you treat and view yourself.

4. Use Your Voice

Let’s say, for example, you give a person with narcissism a holiday gift, and they give you nothing. The person with narcissism then says something like, “You’re just trying to make me feel guilty because I didn’t get you anything.” This is classic narcissistic behavior, shifting the attention to you and putting you on the defensive. Simply knowing they are doing this may be enough to help you gain perspective, and you might choose to say nothing. But if you feel that you are shrinking in stature, you may feel better about yourself by speaking up. For example, in a situation like this you could:

1. Confront it by saying, “No, that is not why I gave it to you. But now that you mention it, do you feel guilty for not giving me anything?”
2. Use humor by taking their accusation about you trying to make them feel guilty and saying something like, “Well, is it working?”
3. Be honest and direct by saying, “No, I gave you a card because I wanted to. And now that you mention it, I do feel hurt that you didn’t give me anything.”

Remember, hard as they may try, people with narcissism can never take away your truth, experience, or feelings. They can dispute it, threaten you, and deny it, but they cannot make you give it up. They are projecting on you what they can’t feel in themselves. Don’t take it on.

5. Seek Balance

Being raised by a person with narcissism can throw your life out of balance. One way to regain healthy balance is to do the opposite of what your parents did. For example:

• If you received much criticism and scant praise, you may need to sidestep criticism (including self-criticism) and increase self-acknowledgment.
• If you have been compulsively driving yourself in reaction to people with narcissism who called you lazy, you may want to slow down and focus on quality of life. Conversely, if you have been underperforming in reaction to pressure from people with narcissism, you may want to push yourself beyond your present comfort level.
• If you have felt deprived, allow yourself to desire and receive more.
• If you were not allowed to say no or point out what was wrong, you may need to spend time saying no and focusing on what should change in your relationship, family, workplace, or society.
• If you have been giving people with narcissistic qualities the benefit of the doubt to your own detriment, you may want to start questioning their actions and believe in yourself, perhaps seeking the guidance of a trusted therapist or friend as you do so.

6. Trust Yourself

Your parents may have shamed you when you experimented, asked questions, or expressed your views. This may have led you as a child to become more dependent on them or alienated from yourself. Even in adulthood, you may second-guess yourself, struggle to make decisions, and shy away from taking risks that could enhance your life.

When you have to make a decision or when a challenge arises, ask yourself, “If I knew I was absolutely trustworthy, what would I do?” Then assess how you can make that happen. By assuming you are trustworthy, that your feelings are valuable, and that your intuition is reliable, you can see that you have within yourself all you need to handle challenges—despite what your parents may have tried to make you believe.

If you were raised by a parent with narcissism, you are not alone. Millions of adults have had a parent with narcissistic tendencies. No matter how you were treated as a child, you deserve to be seen, heard, and do what is healthiest for you.

What are your core values? Can you state them without thought?

A better place to begin might be, What are core values?

A core value can be considered a life direction, an internal compass that serves to guides us throughout our lifetime. Our values mold who we are and help point us in the direction we want to take in life. According to Russ Harris, therapist and author of The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living, values are what we want our lives to be about, deep in our hearts. Values—which vary from person to person and may change over time—include ideals like trust, love, success, wealth, freedom, health, and adventure.

Some of us may have identified our core values but experience challenges or barriers of some sort in moving forward with them. For many, chronic illness may be one of these barriers. Many of the people I work with in my practice who have a chronic illness experience an internal battle between their core values and what their bodies will allow as they attempt to work to establish these values in their lives. [fat_widget_right]

Allison,* for example, is in her early twenties. She recently married, and she and her husband had planned on having children soon after their wedding, but instead Allison received a cancer diagnosis. Without hesitation, she went through the necessary therapies to treat the cancer, but unfortunately these treatments left her unable to conceive. “I want to have children, but I can’t because of my illness,” she sobbed in one session.

Allison values family, but her plan to have children was waylaid by cancer treatment. “I’m so disappointed and sad,” she disclosed, tears streaming down her face. “This isn’t where I thought I would be at this point in my life.”

Allison and I began to address this by first paring down her value list to her top three—love, family, and health— in order to help her come up with some committed action steps to help move her forward. While she cannot become pregnant herself, she can adopt children to start her family. To this end, she and her husband have begun the adoption process by going to informational meetings, saving money, and interviewing different adoption agencies.

Sometimes Allison has to sit with the feelings of sadness and grief, accepting the temporary pain with the knowledge that the feelings will pass. But she also knows that if she continues to move toward her values through committed action, she will indeed find a life filled with love, family, and health.

Determining Our Core Values

How do we determine these values for ourselves? And once we have done so, how do we take action in our lives to implement them? It’s not all that easy to do, but it can be life-changing! There are lists of core values available online, but you can also make a list for yourself.

When you have a list, further whittling it down to the top three values is next. This process, which can be an interesting and insightful one, is important, because it may be too overwhelming to find direction if we have too many core values. Like the old adage says, “The hunter who chases two rabbits catches neither.”

Once we have identified three top core values, we can move forward. Proactive behavior moves us in the direction of our values. If we find we value adventure, making plans to travel someplace new could be a “moving toward” behavior. If health is one of our core values, eating more nutritious food, exercising regularly, and practicing self-care are some committed action steps we might take.

Along the way, we might notice certain distracting behaviors that move us away from our values, rather than moving us forward with them.

Learning to be observant of our behaviors can help us catch ourselves when we’re moving away from our values and get us back on track.

Behaviors that sidetrack us might include:

• Substance use
• Binge-watching television
• Isolating from others
• Sleeping too much
• Overworking
• Excessive spending

When we get caught up in these behaviors, our values are waylaid, and ultimately, we are left feeling unsatisfied. Learning to be observant of our behaviors can help us catch ourselves when we’re moving away from our values and get us back on track. (Any of these behaviors might also be indicative of an underlying concern, though this is not always the case. It can be helpful to raise these concerns, and others that may impact daily life and function, with a mental health professional.)

Sometimes even ordinary illness or fatigue can get in the way or slow down the process of moving toward our core values, and coping with a chronic illness can make a person’s quest to attain their values particularly challenging. However, because our values are ever-present in our lives, we can always commit to some kind of action steps, even if they are small.

What kinds of distracting behaviors are keeping you from moving toward your values? Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is one approach that can help us identify our values and make a commitment to taking action steps. I believe that doing so can ultimately help bring meaning to life, even in the midst of chronic illness.

What’s stopping you from living a rich and meaningful life?

Editor’s note: Names in the preceding article were changed to protect confidentiality. 

Reference:

Harris, R. (2008). The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living. Boulder, CO: Trumpeter.

If you were to think of a bullying situation, you might conjure an image of a small, bespectacled child cornered by a much larger one. Or perhaps you might imagine a group of taunting children circling rivals, enemies, or maybe an outsider. It’s common to think of bullying as a children’s issue.

Generally, people don’t expect bullying from adults—yet it does occur and can even come in disguise from a trusted colleague or someone considered a friend. Those who stand out as quirky or different, such as gifted or highly sensitive people, may be more vulnerable than most.

Adult bullying can occur anywhere, but it often occurs where a person spends the most time, such as the workplace or in social situations. Whether at work or among friends, bullying can take a person by surprise given that our social norms tend to discourage aggressive behavior, particularly in adulthood. However, adult bullying doesn’t have to be obvious and belligerent; in fact, it can be quite subtle.

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If you are an adult, you probably have witnessed or experienced some form of bullying. Bullying is usually considered to be a type of harassment that occurs when someone purposefully tries to control someone else, without their approval.

Verbal bullying often occurs through word choice or tone of voice, and can be tauntingly direct, suggestive, or perhaps indirect—such as ignoring your contributions, insinuating disrespect, devaluing your time, excluding you, or sabotaging your work.

Bullying of this nature may happen once or repeatedly. When a person bullies, it can stem from insecurity about something or low self-esteem. It might be due to feeling powerless on the inside, resulting in behaviors that seek to take power from others. People who engage in bullying might have been victims themselves or perhaps never learned how to self-regulate. Of course, at its most troubling, an adult might bully others because it “feels good” or is somehow fun or rewarding. Exerting power over another person might feel especially “good” if there is a lack of empathy for those being harmed.

No matter how they came to bully, people tend to find their victims in people they consider significantly different from themselves. This could be someone they perceive to be (or wish to be) at a lower social standing. It might be a person who just rubs them wrong in some way. While not the most mature of behaviors, bullying is a significant problem in the adult population.

Gifted and highly sensitive people tend to stand out as different, and therefore may be prime targets for people who bully. But what do we mean when we use the terms “giftedness” and “high sensitivity”?

What Is Giftedness?

A person is typically labeled as gifted if they have been professionally assessed to have an intelligence quotient (IQ) of 130 or greater. However, not everyone has undergone IQ testing, and many professionals who work with the gifted population favor a more descriptive definition of giftedness. According to Morelock (1996), the Columbus Group provided this definition of giftedness in 1991:

“Giftedness is asynchronous development in which advanced cognitive abilities and heightened intensity combine to create inner experiences and awareness that are qualitatively different from the norm. This asynchrony increases with higher intellectual capacity. The uniqueness of the gifted renders them particularly vulnerable and requires modifications in parenting, teaching, and counseling in order for them to develop optimally.”

Being qualitatively different, asynchronous, and atypical from the norm can make anyone of any age seem like an outsider.

What Is High Sensitivity?

Dr. Elaine Aron described highly sensitive people in 1997, purporting high sensitivity to be a personality trait that occurs in about 20% of the population. She further described this trait as stemming from differences in the nervous system, where there is a greater sensitivity to stimuli.

Highly sensitive people tend to perceive things more intensely and have a stronger awareness of the subtleties around them, making them generally respond differently than most to their environment. Highly sensitive people are often known to be gentle, emotional, intense, and of course sensitive.

The same wonderfully positive traits that make this population stand out can lead to highly sensitive adults being misunderstood or perceived as weak, overly emotional, haughty, or pushovers.

Possible Bullying Targets

The Workplace Bullying Institute reports that 27% of people have been bullied in the workplace (Namie, 2014). It stands to reason that a percentage of those who have been bullied stand out as different, quirky, sensitive, or atypical.

Gifted traits often include keen observation skills, fast thinking, and a strong sense of justice, which can potentially make gifted individuals sound like know-it-alls, system challengers, or tattletales—common marks for people who bully.

Even people generally considered kind may feel uncomfortable about, or threatened by, the characteristics often associated with gifted and highly sensitive populations. And the people who have these traits do tend to notice. The Gifted Identity Project (Malonai and Duncan, 2015) reported that most gifted individuals feel lonely, isolated, quirky, and different.

While gifted and highly sensitive people might come across as different, the quirky aspects of giftedness are multifaceted and sometimes incongruous. Gifted traits often include keen observation skills, fast thinking, and a strong sense of justice, which can potentially make gifted individuals sound like know-it-alls, system challengers, or tattletales—common marks for people who bully.

Likewise, rules and fairness tend to be important to this population, which may elicit conflict resulting in bad feelings. Gifted individuals are often looked to for leadership, even when it is not their place. This can later cause resentment or jealousy. Hyper-focusing is another common gifted trait, which can make someone seem inattentive or distant. In general, many traits commonly associated with the gifted and highly sensitive populations might bring about hard feelings in potential bullies.

How to Mitigate the Impact of Adult Bullying

Although you bear no responsibility for bullying behaviors you experience, it can be helpful to be both self-aware and open to improving your understanding of how others might perceive you.

1. Keep calm and breathe deeply. Don’t give your power away by responding outside of your value set.
2. Know the truth and believe in your own strengths. Don’t let anyone else determine who you are, nor let them get into your head about it.
3. Speak up. Bullying can be seen differently by different people, and might in some cases be a matter of perspective. It might be worthwhile to share that you are feeling bullied, and specify how the words or actions impact you. It could be that speaking up will put an immediate stop to the problem.
4. If you do speak up, do so safely. Make your approach when you believe there will be sufficient time, as hurried conversations are not necessarily easier. Choose an environment where you can speak confidentially that also has potential witnesses, such as a coffee shop or conference room with the door slightly ajar.
5. Don’t respond to provocation. This will help diminish the power a bullying person might seek to obtain. In psychology, we call this fading.
6. Show respect to yourself and others by responding to the underlying message instead of the negative words or behaviors. A good start to mitigate aggression is to acknowledge where the other person might be coming from. For example, “This seems very important to you. Let’s talk about it.”
7. Get support. Even if it is difficult to open up when you have felt wronged or misunderstood, it can help to talk it out. Your mental health is worth the effort. Also, you might learn something about your strengths or get ideas on how to de-escalate the situation. Support might be found through your human resources department, an employee assistance officer, a trustworthy friend, an understanding coworker, a family member, help line, or a licensed professional such as a clinical counselor, mediator, or doctor.

References:

1. Aron, E. N. (1997). The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You. New York, NY: Broadway Books.
2. Bullying Statistics (n.d.). Why Do People Bully. Retrieved from http://www.bullyingstatistics.org/content/why-do-people-bully.html
3. Malonai, G. M., & Duncan, S. L. (2015). Gifted Identity Project. Cultural Influences on Gifted Families [Power Point Slides]. Retrieved from http://www.giftedidentity.com/wp/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/GIP-Cultural_SENG2015.sm_.pdf
4. Morelock, M. J. (1996). On the nature of giftedness and talent: Imposing order on chaos. Roeper Review, vol. 19(1), 4-12.
5. Namie, G. (2014). WBI U.S.: Workplace Bullying Survey. Workplace Bullying Institute National Office.

As we begin, here is an invitation for you:

In your mind’s eye, create a mental picture of a wolf. The wolf is alone; perhaps he is a young male who’s just left his mother’s side, setting out for his first solo adventure. The sun is setting, and our wolf is atop a hill, standing, all four paws on the ground. His head is high, his eyes scanning the horizon. His ears are perked, swiveling to capture sounds from all around. His nose receives all sorts of information from the evening breeze, information that would be imperceptible to us, his human observers. Perhaps his tail is lifted ever so slightly as it curves gracefully behind him. He is fully alive, vibrant, and completely in the present moment.

Now imagine what it would feel like to be that wolf. Feel the pads of your four paws on the ground, the bones and sinews of your legs supporting your spare, muscular torso. Feel your spine elongate as you gently test the wind with your finely honed sniffer. Feel the strength and springiness in your shoulders, your haunches. Imagine you are ready to respond in a split-second to any tiny change in the environment, reacting from instinct before you can even think about it.

Feel the energy that arises in your body as you spend a moment with this experience. And congratulate yourself, because in doing this exercise, you are contacting your felt sense.

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The felt sense is a term coined by Eugene Gendlin to describe our innate sense of everything we know and experience in a wordless, non-cognitive way, from the interior of our bodies. The common term “gut instinct” is closely related, as is the scientific term interoception, the process of sensing inside the body. Dr. Gendlin founded a school of therapy he called focusing. Essentially, focusing involves paying attention to our felt sense, and learning how to work with what it has to say. As the focusing website says, “This sensation in your body is called a ‘felt sense.’ It lies behind your thoughts and feelings and is significant and full of meaning. It is a message from your body to you, and will speak to you when you listen.” As Dr. Peter Levine is fond of saying, its language is sensation.

Much of this non-cognitive, somatic information involves not only our body, but also our reptile brain. As I have noted in previous articles, we are interested in the body and the reptile brain because this is where most mental health symptoms “live.” The felt sense is the place where we can work with painful symptoms to get them to subside. Then, the energy these symptoms used to drain from us becomes available for more joy and more productive engagement with the world.

Although modern Western thought has been quite resistant to this idea, there are other valid ways of knowing things besides our thoughts. In some cultures, people regularly converse about this innate, biological, or instinctual source of knowledge. As owners of living, human bodies, our access to our intuitive felt sense is our birthright! It is where the experiences of pleasure, joy, and liveliness originate.

Our felt sense is incredibly useful when we cultivate a relationship with it. As the focusing website points out, “Your body knows more about situations than you are explicitly aware of. For example, your body picks up more about another person than you consciously know.” Although modern Western thought has been quite resistant to this idea, there are other valid ways of knowing things besides our thoughts. In some cultures, people regularly converse about this innate, biological, or instinctual source of knowledge. As owners of living, human bodies, our access to our intuitive felt sense is our birthright! It is where the experiences of pleasure, joy, and liveliness originate. Unfortunately, there is very little discussion or guidance about the felt sense in our culture.

So, then, how do we cultivate a better relationship with this “interior us”?

Well, some of us have to be careful about it. If we have a trauma history, whether or not we’re aware of it, the felt sense is (predominantly) where it lives. In my experience, this is why some people have a difficult time even accessing any of their interior sensations: They are dissociated (disconnected) from their inner selves as a protection from the traumatic residue.

Unfortunately, shutting down pain inherently involves shutting down at least some pleasure. On the other hand, some people experience emotional flooding, physical pain, or other distressing experiences when they turn their focus inward. Of course, this is not true for everyone. People’s experiences with their inner selves vary greatly, largely depending on their life histories. Many people already have a rewarding and lively relationship with their inner lives—and that is ultimately one of the primary goals of somatic psychotherapy.

For more information about focusing, please refer to the focusing website. For those who suspect or already know that contacting this aspect of themselves can be challenging, I would recommend working with an experienced guide, such as a somatic psychotherapist. The work of Dr. Levine uses the felt sense as one of several fundamental tools for trauma healing. Pursuing such therapeutic support can greatly help in reclaiming access to one’s birthright of joy and vibrant well-being.

References:

1. Gendlin, E. (2016). What is Focusing? The International Focusing Institute. Retrieved from http://www.focusing.org/newcomers.htm#what
2. Levine, P. (2010). In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness. Berkeley, CA: North Atlantic Books.

How we treat ourselves affects our interactions with others. If I beat myself up for not being perfect, how will I be loving toward a friend or a romantic partner who has “failed” me? How will I be able to set realistic expectations for others if they aren’t realistic for me?

So often, we are unloving toward our perceived flaws. We criticize our bodies, without thanking our body parts for the important functions they serve. We criticize our personal qualities, without practicing compassionate curiosity. Our mistakes are rarely used as opportunities for growth. Instead, our mistakes are used to create a track record proving how “incompetent” we are.

In an ideal world, we would be in control of our lives and tailor them to our liking. In the real world, however, we are faced with messiness on a daily basis. There are more gray areas than black-and-white ones. Our plans don’t always pan out, and our expectations are not always met.

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It always surprises me how dehumanizing our problems can be. Anxiety convinces us that we are “crazy.” Depression convinces us that we are “worthless.” Perfectionism convinces us that we are “never enough.” Yet we invite these abusive voices into our daily routines. Whatever happened to healthy self-love and self-respect?

In today’s modern world, many people appear to be self-absorbed. We often spend more time on our phones than actually socializing with those around us. There is difference between being self-absorbed and practicing healthy self-love, however. Being self-absorbed centers on the idea of empty external validation. On the other hand, healthy self-love invites acceptance, integrity, and creates space for personal values. Healthy self-love is the ability to notice one’s “flaws” and attempt to improve those areas through compassionate healing. Healthy self-love allows a person to be human. Healthy self-love does not connect one’s self-worth to one’s performance.

Think about it: A lack of healthy self-love leaves us feeling ashamed and alone. Over time, a lack of self-love can lead to depression, anxiety, loneliness, and a sense of emptiness. These issues develop such a centralized position in our lives that we may grow fearful of leaving them behind. We latch onto them as though our identities will be compromised if we try to move beyond what they have planned for us.

If it was up to depression, we might lay in bed most of the day. If it was up to anxiety, we might avoid speaking in public. We know that not loving ourselves may leave us feeling lonely and tired. We know that negative self-talk may only invite more anxiety. Yet we continue to stay married to our challenges. We offer loyalty to our problems and, in doing so, leave less space for self-love.

If it were up to depression, we might lay in bed most of the day. If it was up to anxiety, we might avoid speaking in public. We know that not loving ourselves may leave us feeling lonely and tired. We know that negative self-talk may only invite more anxiety. Yet we continue to stay married to our challenges. We offer loyalty to our problems and, in doing so, leave less space for self-love.

Our problems attempt to compare us to an unrealistic standard that is never consistent. The standard continues to grow as we age. As we age, the standard attempts to find a new cohort to compare us to.

We carry “suitcases” from childhood into adolescence. We fill up our suitcases with more unmet expectations and perceived disappointments and carry them over to adulthood. The cycle continues until the day we die or we realize our problems will never allow us to love ourselves.

When we judge others, it’s usually because they have “failed” to meet an expectation that our problems have set for us. Either we have “failed” to achieve that expectation as well, or we have “succeeded” at complying with the expectation. Lack of self-love steps in and whispers: “I have failed at meeting this expectation, and so has this person. I don’t like myself, so I don’t like this person, either.” Lack of self-love also can whisper: “I have complied with this certain expectation. This person has ‘failed’ to meet this particular expectation. They are not perfect and not worthy of my time.”

The way you treat others is a reflection of your internal dialogue with yourself. If you have cheated on a romantic partner, it is less about your romantic partner or the third person in the scenario. It is more about who you would have hoped to be with, alongside the third person. It is about you.

If you have judged another person, it is more about your relationship with mistakes or differences than it is about the other person. Problems have a way of tricking us into loyalty. Problems guide us to black-and-white thinking. Our goal is not to step away from personal values and morals. Our goal is to have acceptance and love for ourselves—enough acceptance that we are able to remind ourselves that we will be okay regardless of how others choose to live, regardless of other people’s actions.

Do you love yourself enough to forgive yourself for the things you think you have not accomplished? Can you be compassionate with yourself and accept yourself so fully that you stop looking for others to do what you have “failed” at? Can you remind yourself that where you are at this very moment is exactly where you need to be?

What do you think of when you hear the word “meditation”?

Perhaps you imagine a Tibetan monk tucked away in silence in a centuries-old monastery. Maybe you envision a crystal-wielding flower child having a psychedelic experience in a Volkswagen van. Or perhaps you think of meditation as something people with incredible self-control and a very long attention span can do, but not you.

Contrary to what many people believe, having a mindfulness meditation practice is not just for the most spiritual, disciplined, or mentally focused among us. It doesn’t require a magical (some might say impossible) ability to clear your mind and keep it that way for hours on end. You don’t need to be a master yogi or even own a yoga mat. Mindfulness is not just for others—it’s for me, and it’s for you, too!

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What Is Mindfulness?

Mindfulness, in its most basic form, is simply the quality or state of being conscious or aware of something. Researcher Jon Kabat-Zinn, PhD, takes this definition a step further, helping us understand what it means to be conscious or aware of something. He defines mindfulness as the “awareness that arises through paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, nonjudgmentally.” When we notice what is happening within ourselves—our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors—at any given moment without trying to judge it or change it, we are practicing mindfulness.

Although mindfulness is a broad concept that refers generally to ways of being aware in the present moment, meditation is how we describe one specific type of mindfulness practice. Meditation involves turning your attention inward for a set period of time, typically focusing specifically on a certain theme or noticing your own physical or mental experiences. For instance, two common meditations involve noticing your breathing or mindfully scanning your body and becoming aware of any physical sensations you have. Meditation is often time-limited, with a planned beginning and end point.

The Benefits of Mindfulness Meditation

The benefits of a mindfulness meditation practice are numerous and well-documented. Research shows that practicing mindfulness can improve a person’s general sense of well-being and life satisfaction, helping people to cherish each present moment and weather the storms of life. Practicing mindfulness meditation is connected to reported improvements in physical health as well, and may help people sleep more restfully, decrease stress, relieve gastrointestinal concerns, reduce experiences of chronic pain, and lower blood pressure. Mindfulness has become an important cornerstone in the treatment of many mental health concerns, including depression, anxiety, obsessive compulsion, posttraumatic stress, and others.

It doesn’t take much time to potentially see improvements from meditating. Studies have shown that people can benefit from as little as 10 minutes a day of meditation. Another study pinpointed 12 minutes as the “magic” number to see desired results. By devoting just 10 to 12 minutes a day to a mindfulness meditation practice, research suggests you can change your life for the better.

How to Get Started with a Mindfulness Meditation

To get started in developing a daily mindfulness meditation practice, first try the foundational meditation of noticing your breathing. As you relax your body into a comfortable posture, begin to turn your focus inward and notice your breath, whether in your nose, throat, chest, or stomach. Don’t try to change your breathing in any way; allow it to come and go naturally and without judgment. Allow yourself to give your full attention to your breath as you experience it in your body.

One of the biggest misconceptions about mindfulness meditation is that the point is to focus your mind without any internal interruption or distraction. This is not a reasonable expectation, as it is the nature of the human mind to wander.

From time to time, you may notice your mind wandering to some other thought or feeling. This is normal. Take a moment to simply notice where your attention has wandered. After a moment, gently escort your attention and awareness back to your breath. Continue focusing on your breath and gently bringing your awareness back to your breath for several minutes.

One of the biggest misconceptions about mindfulness meditation is that the point is to focus your mind without any internal interruption or distraction. This is not a reasonable expectation, as it is the nature of the human mind to wander. One of the primary purposes of this activity is to practice gently escorting your attention back to your breath. You aren’t doing it wrong if your mind happens to wander; you are succeeding by noticing your mind has wandered and then bringing your attention back to your breath as many times as necessary. This builds the “muscles” of your attention span in the same way lifting weights builds the muscles of your body.

The most difficult step in many journeys is often the first. Using this or one of the many other meditation resources available, take your first step toward a daily mindfulness meditation practice today. Who knows? You may discover that 12 minutes a day really can change your life.

References:

1. Hurley, D. (2014, January 14). Breathing in vs. spacing out. The New York Times. Retrieved from http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/19/magazine/breathing-in-vs-spacing-out.html
2. Kabat-Zinn, J. (2016, January 11). Jon Kabat-Zinn: Defining mindfulness. Retrieved from http://www.mindful.org/jon-kabat-zinn-defining-mindfulness