Worries of childhoodLast week, our cat died. Frodo was a stray tomcat we took in 11 years ago. We weren’t sure about his age, though we’re guessing he lived to be about 14 years old. He didn’t show any signs of illness, and while I knew he was old, I wasn’t fully prepared to get the call that he had gone to sleep and had not woken up.

Although I was very sad at his passing, I was happy that he lived a good, long life with us. I know he slipped away peacefully.

How My Daughter Took the News

I wasn’t prepared for the reaction of my 8-year-old daughter. She was in the car when I received the phone call telling me what had happened, and when I hung up, I told her. After she had expressed sadness, she began asking when we could get another cat. I had to tell her several times that this was something I couldn’t talk about now because I was really sad.

[fat_widget_right]We had been talking for months that sooner or later one of our many animals was going to pass away. I wanted to prepare her. I think I also wanted to prepare myself for her reaction.

When she was two years old, my daughter drew a face on a balloon. When she accidentally let go of it, she sobbed herself to sleep. I expected her reaction to losing a cat would be greater than that. It wasn’t.

A Child’s Grief

Losing a pet is often the first experience of grief a child has. Give them the space and permission to work through it on their own terms, but with your love and support. Talk to them about how it felt when you were a child and lost an animal you loved.When it was time, my daughter created an elaborate funeral procession and burial for Frodo. She took comfort in making sure his grave was decorated with flowers, and she shed a few tears throughout the process. And that was okay.

Just like every adult grieves differently for each death, each child grieves differently for each loss. The way a child mourns a beloved pet at the age of four may change dramatically when he or she reaches the age of ten.

As a parent, you may feel uncomfortable talking about loss. You may get uncomfortable with how your child is behaving. Some kids want to immediately replace the pet, and others refuse to consider it. One child may not cry at all in front of you but will cry silently at night. Another child will talk about their pet endlessly and cry constantly for days.

As a parent, there are things you can do to help your child manage their sadness when their pet dies:

Losing a pet is often the first experience of grief a child has. Give them the space and permission to work through it on their own terms, but with your love and support. Talk to them about how it felt when you were a child and lost an animal you loved. Above all, let them know that the intense sadness they feel now won’t last forever.

Sad Woman Looking at a Photo Album

Breakups are often a painful ordeal, but the pain is all the more excruciating when you don’t see it coming. You thought things were going great, and then seemingly out of nowhere your partner breaks it off, leaving you alone with an aching heart.

Finding closure after an unexpected breakup can be incredibly challenging, but here are 10 tips to help you move on after getting dumped.

1. Allow Yourself to Feel

Studies have shown that the brain copes with rejection similarly to the way it processes physical pain. Some may be tempted to numb the pain with drugs and alcohol or jump immediately into another relationship to avoid their feelings. Rather than taking this approach, allow yourself to feel the emotions in their entirety, whatever they may be.

It is natural to grieve after any loss. Even if you avoid the pain initially, eventually you have to face it to heal. By giving yourself time to grieve, you’ll find it easier to obtain the closure you seek and move on with your life.

2. Understand the Grieving Process

[fat_widget_right]Relationship counselor Jesse Johnson, MA, LPC suggests, “After a relationship ends, it’s important to honor the grieving process, not only in the loss of the relationship, but in the loss of any future vision for the relationship. Some people need to grieve an entire life’s vision in this way. It’s a big deal and honoring the end will help greatly with closure.”

3. Practice Forgiveness

Holding on to any grudges or resentment for your former partner will only prevent you from moving on with your life. Offer yourself a pardon by being willing to let go of the past and forgive your ex for any ways you feel you were wronged.

Likewise, forgive yourself for any mistakes you may have made in the relationship. Hold yourself in a state of compassion, and be willing to learn from the past so you can make better choices in the future.

4. Channel the Energy Elsewhere

Rather than sit around and let your anger, sadness, or frustration eat away at you, choose to channel that energy into something productive. Exercise is an excellent way to move energy out of your body and it releases endorphins, which will help improve your mood. You may also consider getting involved in your community or taking up a new hobby.

5. Maintain Your Self-Worth

There’s no denying that being rejected by someone you love hurts, but refuse to let it impact your self-esteem. Know your value as a person, and honor your self-worth.

Choose to maintain your dignity by not trying to force someone to be in your life who doesn’t want to be. Eventually, the right person will come along and you won’t have to prove your worth because he or she will recognize it.

6. Throw Out the Mementos

It’s tough to get rid of old love letters, photos, and other mementos, but choosing to keep them only encourages you to hang on to the past.

There is nothing wrong with keeping your memories, but choose to do so in a way that isn’t destructive. Consider taking down the old photos and keeping the mementos out of sight in a keepsake box or other non-visible location.

7. Create Your Own Closure

Ironically, seeking closure can be one of the greatest hindrances to moving on from a breakup. It can be tempting toSometimes when a relationship ends, it was meant to end. There may be someone else out there for you who is a far better match than your former partner. try to organize a big conversation with an ex to get real answers for why the relationship ended. In many cases, you won’t be able to have that conversation and the odds are that even if you did, it probably wouldn’t help much anyway.

While closure tends to work well in the business world, it doesn’t really fit in when it comes to matters of the heart. We may want a neat little ending to our pain, but it’s rarely that simple.

In reality, the best way to get closer to that feeling of closure you desire may be to simply cut off all contact. Let go of the idea of mending the relationship and create your own form of closure. Allow yourself to start building a new life outside of the former relationship and do what you need to do to move on.

9. Embrace the Impermanence of Life

Change is the only constant in our lives. As much as we try to hang on to anything in life, there is no forever. Everything is constantly in flux. By refusing to accept this, you resist life itself.

Help yourself move on by embracing the natural impermanence of our ephemeral lives on this planet. Understand that people come and go in our lives, and sometimes we have no choice but to let go of the old and embrace the new.

9. Keep the Faith

It is far too easy to become cynical after being dumped. Rather than being bitter, remain open to the possibilities of love. Therapist Deb Hirschhorn, PhD offers this piece of advice for the brokenhearted: “Don’t think of it as getting dumped; think of it as being set free.”

Sometimes when a relationship ends, it was meant to end. There may be someone else out there for you who is a far better match than your former partner. Allow yourself to grieve and then, when you’re ready, consider the possibility of entering a new relationship.

10. Seek Support

You don’t have to go through a breakup or any relationship problem alone. Seek support from your friends and family. Allow them to hold a safe container for you to share your feelings. If the container of family and friends is not enough, consider finding a therapist you trust to help you work through and process your feelings in a safe space.

Reference:

  1. Saul, Heather. (2013, October 16). Brain treats rejection like physical pain say scientists. The Independent. Retrieved from http://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/brain-treats-rejection-like-physical-pain-say-scientists-8884507.html

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Why Feeling Unheard Hurts So Deeply

Feeling unheard in your relationship can be frustrating, isolating, and exhausting. You might try to talk about your needs, only to be met with defensiveness, distraction, or silence. This is one of the most common challenges couples face—and it’s one you can change.

I once received a call from a woman who wanted to start couples therapy with her husband of 10 years. When they tried to talk, the conversation often became heated, ending in arguments. She hoped therapy could help them improve their communication skills.

In my practice, about eight out of ten couples seek therapy for communication concerns. Most relationship experts — and countless self-help books — emphasize that the key to a better relationship is good communication. But here’s the truth: communication isn’t just about talking. It’s equally about listening.

Why Good Communication Requires Good Listening

Healthy communication builds trust and intimacy. When we talk and share our feelings, we feel closer to others and are more likely to have our needs met.

But without the capacity to truly listen, even the most heartfelt words can be lost. Talking without listening is like sending a letter with no address — it never reaches the person it was meant for.

As human beings, we have a deep need to be heard. This begins in infancy, when caregivers respond to our cries. The important part isn’t just what they say or do in response — it’s that we feel heard, period.

When partners dismiss, deflect, or respond defensively, they can leave the other feeling rejected or even abandoned. Over time, this erodes trust and connection. Anyone can talk, but not everyone can listen.

Signs You’re Not Being Heard by Your Partner

When you communicate with your partner, notice if any of these signs appear:

If you recognize these patterns, it’s worth exploring why they happen. Often, listening problems stem from deeper emotional or relational dynamics.

Why Some People Struggle to Listen

Poor listening skills can come from deeper issues — not just unwillingness to hear. Common reasons include:

Understanding why your partner struggles to listen — and practicing compassion — can help you address the problem more effectively.

How to Improve Listening Skills in Your Relationship

On a practical level, Imago therapy offers a helpful technique for couples called “mirroring.” This involves one partner speaking while the other repeats back exactly what they heard, without judgment or defensiveness.

Here’s how to try it in a calm, safe moment:

  1. Ask first – “Is now a good time to talk?” If not, set a time that works for both of you.

  2. Speak concisely – Stay on topic and share the most important points.

  3. Pause and reflect – Ask your partner to repeat back what they heard.

  4. Switch roles – Once you feel heard, let your partner share while you listen.

If your partner becomes defensive or is unable to do this, it may be time to find a therapist who can guide you through the process.

When to Seek Professional Support

If you’ve tried multiple strategies but still feel unheard, professional help can make a big difference. A couple’s therapist can:

Questions to Ask a Couples Therapist

The GoodTherapy Commitment

For over 17 years, GoodTherapy has connected people with ethical, qualified therapists who respect client autonomy and dignity. Our directory includes professionals specializing in communication and relationship concerns — helping couples feel heard, valued, and connected.

Remember: Listening is a skill that can be strengthened with awareness, patience, and support. You and your partner can learn to hear and be heard — and doing so can transform the quality of your connection. Communication challenges are common, but you don’t have to face them alone. A skilled couples therapist can help you and your partner develop listening habits that build trust, empathy, and connection.

Find a qualified therapist near you and take the next step toward better communication today.

Family having a meal togetherThe key to tasty pizza is for each part—the crust, the sauce, the cheese, and the toppings—to be unique and distinct, but to blend into a well-balanced and delicious whole. Live life as though you and your family were a delicious pizza. This is the goal of family systems theory, though it’s probably not quite how founder Murray Bowen would phrase it.

Bowen was likely too academic to associate his work with a pizza, but it really helps explain his concept of good relationships. He used the term self-differentiation and taught that families and other groups function best when we are connected and in good relationships with other people. But at the same time, we are able to form our own opinions, feel emotions that are different from those around us, and choose our own responses to situations rather than simply following expectations.

Simply put, this means that if you are the crust on the metaphoric pizza of your family, your role is to be a sturdy foundation for the rest of the pizza. Regardless of the specific ingredients, you hold the rest of the pie together. If you are spread unevenly or have a big hole in the center, this will make it hard for the sauce and cheese to stay on top and not stick to the pan.

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Here’s a real-life example of a family or workplace picnic that gives a variety of possible responses to one tricky situation. Each response results in a different balance between holding onto your own integrity and responding to the needs and expectations of others. Each possible response corresponds to a “relationship pizza quality score” rated from zero to five, with zero showing no self-differentiation and five indicating a high level of self-differentiation.

This scene takes place at either a picnic with extended family, a workplace outing, or a gathering of friends.

You arrive at the gathering and greet everyone. One particular family member or friend leads you toward the food table and piles a rich and savory dish onto a plate. They hand the plate to you and says, “You are going to love this!”

You look at the food and realize that you can’t eat it because you are on a new diet and this is not the kind of food you can eat right now.

Response One

You reluctantly take the plate and eat it without saying anything. You feel guilty and bad about yourself, but you don’t want to offend the other person.

Pizza Quality Score: 0

If you were the crust on this metaphoric pizza, you have holes in your dough. This represents a poorly differentiated response because you are letting go of your values and your needs and focusing only on the other person.

Response Two

You say, “No, thank you. It looks really good, but I’m on a new diet.” The other person responds by saying, “You are always on a diet. One taste won’t hurt you. I worked really hard cooking this.” This time you respond, “Oh, OK. Just one bite.”

Pizza Quality Score: 2

You start out with a response that defines yourself and sets your personal limits, but when the other person rejects that response and pressures you to eat, you let go of your own values and allow the other person to define you. If you were the sauce on this metaphoric pizza, you would be oozing off the edge of the crust.

Response Three

This time, when the other person complains about your diet and pressures you to eat a bite, you respond differently. You say, “No, I’m not going to eat that. That is just the way it is, so get over yourself.”

Pizza Quality Score: 3

Frequently, when one person changes their usual behavior, other people resist. Self-differentiation often takes hard work, but it can have life-changing benefits.You have taken a stand, but you are doing it by pushing the other person away and not showing any respect for their feelings.

Good self-differentiation involves both standing up for yourself and your values while simultaneously remaining connected to others. If you were the sauce on our metaphoric pizza, you have added a large amount of a spice that clashes with the cheese and the crust. The result is unappetizing, but edible. Let’s try again.

Response Four

The other person says the same thing, but you take a different approach. This time, you say, “I really appreciate all the work you put into that dish; it shows how much you care about me. I am sorry, though, I’m really not going to be able to eat any today. I need to stick to my diet.”

Pizza Quality Score: 4

You have held onto your values while also staying positive and appreciative of the other person.

Response Five

You can perfect your differentiated response by adding something to encourage a connection with the person in a way that doesn’t compromise your integrity. For example, after using something similar to response four, you could add: “How about if we take a walk together?” or, “I want to tell you a funny story about this new diet.”

Pizza Quality Score: 5

This response shows excellent self-differentiation because you are holding onto yourself and your values while fostering a relationship with the other person.

Finally, good self-differentiation does NOT depend on the other person’s response. Reaching out to foster connection is a self-differentiated move even if the other person responds by turning away. Frequently, when one person changes their usual behavior, other people resist.

Self-differentiation often takes hard work, but it can have life-changing benefits.

Blonde preteen sits on school steps reading while kids behind pointGifted children may be at a higher risk for being bullied than their more neurotypical peers. The risk factors for bullying victims are similar to many traits prevalent within the intellectually gifted population.

Risk Factors for Bullying

First, let’s look at the risk factors for being bullied. According to StopBullying.gov, a website managed by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, children are more likely to be bullied when:

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Bullying in Gifted Children

Now, let’s compare the risk factors above to some of the attributes commonly found in gifted children.

Gifted children are usually perceived as different from their peers. They often stand out as “quirky,” “strange,” or “weird,” and they may have unusual interests for their age (such as a 7-year-old who seems obsessed with DNA sequencing). Even gifted children often feel that they’re different and may separate or isolate themselves because of this.

Depression, anxiety, or low self-esteem are also risk factors. Gifted individuals are more often diagnosed with depression and/or anxiety than the general population, elevating their risk of being bullied.

Gifted children may have trouble getting along well with others, or can be seen as annoying or provoking. They might even antagonize others, though not necessarily for attention. In addition, sensory processing issues are prevalent in the gifted population, and responding to excessive (or insufficient) stimuli can be seen as annoying or antagonizing to others.

Twice-exceptional children are described as both gifted and coping with special needs. The special need is usually a type of disability, such as a learning disorder (such as dyslexia or dysgraphia) or a mental health condition (such as attention-deficit hyperactivity/ADHD, depression, or anxiety). This population displays traits that have multiple commonalities with the risk factors for bullying, such as feeling anxious, appearing to be weak (and thus not capable of self-defense), or being annoying, different, or simply viewed as “not cool.”

Parental Involvement Makes a Difference

Parents often feel helpless when they realize their children have experienced bullying. However, being empowered to address bullying is not only excellent modeling, it means you can change the situation. Parental involvement is essential when supporting a gifted child to end bullying.

If your instincts are telling you that your child might be bullied, it’s time to ask some questions.

First, you need to recognize when bullying is a problem. If your instincts are telling you your child might be experiencing bullying, it’s time to ask some questions. For parents who need more than a gut feeling, you will have to both pay attention and have frank conversations.

Not all children show obvious signs that they have been bullied, and if a gifted child doesn’t want you to know something, then they may utilize their intellect to creatively hide the impact of bullying or distract you from asking about it.

Bullying is not typically something a child wants to bring up, nor will they necessarily know how to talk about it. This might be especially true for a tween or younger child.

Is Your Child Being Bullied?

Identification is the first step. Signs that bullying might be a problem include:

5 Steps to Mitigate the Impact of Bullying

Follow these steps to help diminish the effects of bullying:

  1. Help your child to develop a stronger self-concept and better self-understanding. This will help to counter the damaging effects that bullying can have on self-esteem.
  2. Use both modeling and scaffolding to teach your child to recognize their strengths and positive traits. Most children don’t know or recognize many of their strengths, and gifted children are no exception.
  3. Point out positive traits. This is different than praise. Simply describe their strength, such as, “You are a boy who enjoys building complex creations out of Legos.” Even if your child dismisses your words, hearing about one’s own strengths has a lasting, positive effect and increases resiliency.
  4. Teach your child self-compassion. To be kind to oneself is essential to healing from bullying. A good way to teach self-compassion is to model it.
  5. Get support when appropriate. It’s both OK and important to seek professional help if a bullying problem doesn’t subside or worsens.

Reference:

Risk Factors. (n.d.). StopBullying.gov. Retrieved from http://www.stopbullying.gov/at-risk/factors

Wedding bouquet“I do.”

Those two simple words seal a commitment that is supposed to last a lifetime, but falls somewhere short of forever for nearly half of the American people who make it.

Although the divorce rate in the United States has been falling steadily for decades and is no longer hovering at 50%, divorce rates for cultures where arranged marriage is the norm have always been much lower, averaging around 4% and as low as 1% in India, where the majority of marriages are arranged. While it’s hard to overlook the enormous difference in those statistics, comparison is difficult since divorce may not be supported or accepted in some cultures and can be difficult to obtain in others. Marriage experts in the U.S. and other Western cultures, however, are examining whether the institution of arranged marriage could offer any insight into helping non-arranged marriages endure the test of time.

What Is Arranged Marriage?

When attempting to understand how an arranged marriage can be successful, it is important to understand what it is and what it is not. All too often, arranged marriage gets mistaken for forced marriage; the two are distinctly different.

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Contrary to many popular assumptions, arranged marriage is not always mandatory. In fact, both partners, including the woman, are typically given choice in the matter. The meeting of potential spouses is usually arranged by a third party, such as parents, but the decision to ultimately marry usually lies with the couple. In a forced marriage, one or both members of the potential couple are not given the power of consent and are sometimes forced into the situation under duress.

Arranged marriage is common in countries such as India and Pakistan and is also prevalent in some parts of Africa and Asia. Religions such as Hinduism, Orthodox Judaism, and Islam have historically been proponents of arranged marriage.

Though arranged marriage may seem like a strange custom to some in the West, marrying for love is a relatively recent concept. Arranged marriage was the norm in Western European societies until the late 1700s, when romantic love and personal choice began emerging as social ideals.

The practice has undergone a technical revolution as of late and has become somewhat akin to a hiring process, where an ad may placed in the paper or online and potential spouses are screened like applicants. In some cases, they are encouraged to submit photos and credentials—almost like a résumé—in hopes of obtaining an interview and meeting with the family.

How Well Can Arranged Marriages Actually Work?

The reality is that people choose to get married for diverse reasons and romantic love is only one of them. Some people marry for the comforts of security, companionship, and to start a family, while others marry for something as simple tax breaks or because of cultural pressure.

Some see falling in love as a magical, life-altering experience that strengthens a bond. Though it may not happen in the same way, many people in arranged marriages state that they, too, gradually fell in love with their partners.

For some, arranged marriage has many advantages. First, it relieves many of the pressures involved in finding a partner. It also frees those in the arrangement to be themselves instead of having to try to impress a potential spouse. Second, partners in arranged marriages are more likely to have similar belief systems, family backgrounds, education, and finances. When your parents help choose your mate, it is likely that they choose someone of similar or equal stature. When we leave the matchmaking to Cupid, many initially unknown factors may reveal themselves over time and affect future compatibility.

Many not on board with arranged marriage would cite missing the opportunity to fall in love as a major drawback. Some see falling in love as a magical, life-altering experience that strengthens a bond. Though it may not happen in the same way, many people in arranged marriages state that they, too, gradually fell in love with their partners. Whereas marriages based on romantic love sometimes start off steamy and fizzle out over time, arranged marriages may start out slow before feelings deepen and strengthen with time.

Furthermore, on a biological level, romantic feelings can cloud judgment. It isn’t uncommon for a couple who are “madly in love” to marry only to find out later that they are incompatible in some of the most important ways. It is perhaps for this reason that arranged marriages based on compatibility, shared values, and future potential may be more likely to last.

Are Arranged and Non-Arranged Marriages All That Different?

An Indian couple whose marriage was arranged recently did an interview with Cosmopolitan. The couple expressed feeling less pressure in the beginning stages of their relationship and said they still feel like they are dating even though they are married. They declared that they are falling more in love each day as they continue to get to know each other.

Expressing his feelings on arranged marriage versus non-arranged marriage, the husband told the magazine, “It’s a gamble. Both ways, it’s a gamble. That’s like life in general. And I always think that more than 50% of marriages end up nowhere, even though most of them are after long-term dating. So it’s a gamble either way.”

Whether your life partner was predetermined or chosen by you, it is still difficult to make a lifelong commitment and be certain it will hold, as no one truly knows what the future holds. Divorce is an essential freedom and is sometimes the best outcome for both partners in a marriage where one or both partners is not getting needs met.

Regardless of how a marriage came to be, it is a commitment that requires patience, compassion, empathy, effective communication, and respect to make it last. Neither perceived compatibility nor romantic attraction alone is enough to sustain a marriage.

Many therapists and counselors work with people considering the pluses and minuses of marriage, including arranged marriage, and can help people move forward with clear minds. If things are a little foggy for you as a potential marriage draws near, consider contacting a qualified therapist.

References:

  1. Black, L. (2011). Arranged — not forced — marriages a good match in many cultures. Chicago Tribune. Retrieved from http://articles.chicagotribune.com/2011-07-27/news/ct-x-0727-arranged-marriages-20110727_1_marriages-family-traditions-stephanie-coontz
  2. Marie, J. (2014). What It’s Really Like to Have an Arranged Marriage. Retrieved from http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/q-and-a/a33627/what-its-really-like-to-have-an-arranged-marriage/
  3. Wolfers, J. (2014). How We Know the Divorce Rate is Falling. The New York Times. Retrieved from http://www.nytimes.com/2014/12/04/upshot/how-we-know-the-divorce-rate-is-falling.html?smid=fb-nytimes&smtyp=cur&bicmp=AD&bicmlukp=WT.mc_id&bicmst=1409232722000&bicmet=1419773522000&abt=0002&abg=1

Businesspeople in a meetingAsking for a raise can be a daunting endeavor. Many employees refrain from inquiring about the possibility of increased compensation, even if they feel it is merited. According to U.S. News and World Report, up to 60% of workers will never ask for a raise. Of those, 47% expressed feeling uncomfortable asking or feared it would come across as pushy.

For their part, with the economy in its rebounding-but-not-quite-rebounded state, many employers are neglecting yearly salary increases that might have been standard in the past. If you’ve been working hard and haven’t seen an increase in earnings, it might serve you well to face your fear and ask for the raise you know you deserve.

Here, we offer seven pieces of advice to consider before asking for a raise:

1. Know Your Value

Before you even consider asking for a raise, you’ll need to research the market and determine your value. Find out what the average salary is for a person in your field with your experience. If you don’t know what your work is worth, then you won’t know what kind of raise to expect.

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You can use websites such as Salary.com to determine average salary rates or try Glassdoor.com, a website where employees post their earnings as well as anonymous company reviews.

Be resourceful. Check with recruiters. Research job advertisements. Do some networking and ask trusted others in your field about their salaries, if they’re willing to share.

2. Present Solid Evidence

When you approach your boss, you’ll want to come prepared and be ready to present evidence in your favor. It can be helpful to keep a written list to ensure that you don’t forget anything important. Think of asking for a raise as you would closing a sale. You need to be persuasive and convince your boss that your desired raise is warranted.

If you keep a list, include any major accomplishments you have made in the past year at your job, any additional duties you have taken on, and point out any other “gold stars” you may have earned at work recently. If you have quantifiable statistics, be sure to present those. As they say, the numbers don’t lie.

3. Timing Is Everything

Many people assume that the best time to ask for a raise is during their annual review, but some experts recommend asking a few months ahead of time. In many cases, your manager has already determined the budget and negotiated any salary raise long before he or she meets with you for your review. To make sure your annual raise has been factored into that budget, consider bringing it up a few months in advance rather than waiting for the review itself.

This should go without saying, but be considerate of the time and place when asking for a raise. It is best to wait until you have one-on-one time with your boss rather than bringing it up in the middle of a team meeting.

4. Be Confident

Present your case for a raise confidently and unemotionally. Be prepared to showcase your accomplishments to your supervisor in an assertive manner. Be straightforward.

Remember to think of it as if you were selling something—in this case yourself. Would you want to buy something from a salesperson who is unsure about his or her product?

You want to be assertive and confident when you ask for a salary increase, but don’t come across as aggressive.

5. Ask Mindfully

You want to be assertive and confident when you ask for a salary increase, but don’t come across as aggressive. It’s important to be mindful of your tone and choice of words when you ask for a raise. In most cases, this is a negotiation. Try your best to control your emotions and stay calm, cool, and collected.

In addition to being mindful of how you ask, it is important to be mindful of your employer’s ability to grant you a raise. If your employer is experiencing a decrease in sales or just went through a round of layoffs, it might not be the best time to ask for a raise.

6. Avoid Ultimatums and Guilt Trips

Practice a little extra consideration if you choose to bring up loyalty. While it may be tempting to do this, you’ll want to be careful. Don’t go straight for an ultimatum and threaten to quit, as you could be putting your job at risk.

Be thoughtful when addressing the possibility of accepting a position at another company. Do so in a manner that is subtle rather than threatening. You might consider telling your employer how much you love the job, but you feel you should be compensated better for your quality work.

Also, avoid guilt-tripping your boss. While he or she may be sympathetic that your rent just went up, it isn’t relevant to your work performance and should not be used as any kind of argument for a pay increase. Rather than providing personal reasons, focus on showcasing your value to the company.

7. Prepare for Possible Rejection

When asking for a raise, it’s best to remain rational and objective and not bring your emotions into the conversation. If you aren’t prepared to hear “no,” then you might end up saying or doing something in the heat of the moment that you could wind up regretting.

Accept the fact you might be rejected and have a plan of action in the event that it happens. It may be possible to negotiate a reasonable bonus structure instead, or perhaps negotiate a smaller raise. You might ask your boss what you can do to increase the possibility of a future raise.

There Is Help If Workplace Issues Are Affecting Your Life

Asking for a raise can be nerve-racking for even the most confident employee. But if you’re experiencing anxiety stemming from concerns about your pay or other workplace issues that interfere with your ability to carry out your duties, consider finding a qualified therapist or counselor experienced in dealing with workplace problems.

We spend nearly a third of our adult lives at work, which inevitably spills over into our personal lives. If you need help sorting through feelings, experiences, or even trauma as a result of your work environment, there are people in or near your community trained to help with those issues.

References:

  1. Morgan, H. (2015, January 15). How to Ask for A Raise—and Actually Get It. S. News. Retrieved from http://money.usnews.com/money/blogs/outside-voices-careers/2015/01/14/how-to-ask-for-a-raise-and-actually-get-it
  2. Triffin, M. (2014, May 7). How to Ask for A Raise—and Get it. Retrieved from: http://www.forbes.com/sites/learnvest/2014/05/07/how-to-ask-for-a-raise-and-get-it/

GoodTherapy | Stages of Trauma Recovery: What It Means to Be a 'Survivor'I was recently reading a blog post and noticed that someone in the comment section asked the question: “What does it mean when we refer to someone as a survivor?” We hear about “survivors” of domestic violence and “survivors” of sexual assault all the time, but what does it mean when we refer to people in this way? I thought this was a good question to explore.

The description provided by the National Crime Victim Law Institute states a survivor is “a person who endures adversity, moves through it, and perseveres, or a person with resiliency who remains undefeated.” I like that definition. Below, I describe how this definition applies to the four stages that trauma survivors might experience as they heal.

Stage 1: Silence

People who experience adverse situations, such as a traumatic event involving actual or threatened danger, face incredible challenges. The initial stage following a traumatic event is often a time of silence for the victim. It’s common for recently victimized people to refuse to talk about what happened. This may be due to a number of things, including stigma, isolation, shame, guilt, confusion, or denial about the event.

A person emerging from trauma may have low self-esteem at first and may feel overwhelmed and disconnected from the rest of the world.

Stage 2: Victimhood

[fat_widget_right]Eventually, the traumatized self may start to long for change as the ongoing suffering interferes with daily life tasks and a need to grow and recover begins to form. As this need grows, it allows the person to begin exploring ways to move through the trauma. According to available research, there is often a tug-of-war taking place within the individual between a need to be safe and protect emotions and a need to grow and confront the traumatic memories.

The person may feel compelled to talk openly with everyone about what happened and the suffering he or she experienced. Some people will likely be more willing than others to listen. For people working their way through the stage of victimization, having someone to listen and support them as they process the event can be critical to their ability to move forward into survivorhood. Many people find support groups helpful during this stage and may seek counseling or other support.

Stage 3: Survivorhood

Once a person processes the traumatic event and continues transitioning away from the victim experience, he or she often begins identifying as a survivor. During this stage, a person has had an opportunity to talk about his or her experience and has gained some sense of clarity. He or she may begin to identify the ways in which he/she persevered and the strengths that helped make moving forward possible. The person hasn’t forgotten the event, but he or she has a greater understanding about what the event means and the impact it has made on his or her life.

Reaching the stage of survivorhood doesn’t happen overnight. It may take months or even years to work through the victim stage and reach the point where one feels that the wounds are healing and a sense of relief is possible. Also, the process of healing is not linear. Survivors take one step forward and two steps back sometimes, and moving through it all and persevering may coincide with feeling hopeful one day and damaged and wounded the next. People in the survivor stage tend to spend less and less time feeling wounded as they continue learning new tools and recognizing themselves as resilient.

Stage 4: Thriving and Transcendence

Most people I’ve worked with seem content reaching the stage of survivorhood. They feel like they are managing challenges better and have a greater awareness about themselves and their experiences. Other people, The person hasn’t forgotten the event, but he or she has a greater understanding about what the event means and the impact it has made on his or her life.however, have told me they’re not done growing, and some of them have even said they don’t want to be called a survivor.

This group becomes the thriving group, people who transformed their experiences into a meaningful personal narrative and will not be defined by their adversity. They feel healed and safe, and take appropriate risks in seeking connection with others, such as asking a new neighbor out for coffee. They don’t feel the need to tell their stories unless it benefits someone else. “Thrivers” feel motivated to take part in the community and may seek out volunteer opportunities or other ways to help others.

Of course, this is only one model of healing and one definition of what it means to be a survivor. Every person who experiences a distressing event may have his or her own ideas about what it means to pull through a traumatic time or event.

Reference:

Matsakis, A. (2003). The rape recovery handbook: Step-by-step help for survivors of sexual assault. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger.

girl hiding face“Self-injury is an expression of acute psychological distress. It is an act done to oneself, by oneself, with the intention of helping oneself rather than killing oneself. Paradoxically, damage is done to the body in an attempt to preserve the integrity of the mind.” —Sutton and Martinson, 2003

Self-injury is a serious phenomenon that affects millions of adolescents. Current prevalence estimates of non-suicidal self-injury (NSSI) among middle school and high school students range from 15% to 20%, and some studies estimate rates even higher than that.

It can be difficult for family members, friends, and even professionals to understand what causes young people to hurt themselves, or to know how to respond. Discovering that a child or adolescent is engaging in self-harming behaviors can be frightening. It is not uncommon to feel panic, worry, or even disgust when you suspect or discover this type of behavior. Having accurate information is an important first step for parents, teachers, and other helping professionals who may be the first line of defense when adolescents engage in non-suicidal self-injury.

What’s the Difference Between Self-Injury and a Suicide Attempt?

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Non-suicidal self-injury (NSSI) describes the intentional injury to or destruction of one’s own body tissue, most commonly through cutting, burning, or self-hitting. Sometimes parents wonder if cutting and other self-harming behaviors are simply a cry for attention. If that’s true and someone needs attention that badly, then I can’t imagine a more appropriate response than to give it. Instead of looking at it as a bid for attention, though, try thinking of it as an attempt at communication.

Cutting and other forms of self-harm should always be taken seriously. Most individuals who engage in non-suicidal self-injury do so in secret and go to great lengths to hide the behavior from others. Most often, NSSI is performed as a way to regulate or modulate strong, painful emotions. Sometimes, NSSI is also described as a way for individuals who feel numb to “feel alive.”

NSSI should not be construed as a failed suicide attempt. NSSI is an attempt to live with or manage painful feelings—unlike suicide, which attempts to permanently end pain by ending one’s life.

NSSI should not be construed as a failed suicide attempt. NSSI is an attempt to live with or manage painful feelings—unlike suicide, which attempts to permanently end pain by ending one’s life. It is important to note, however, that although they serve different functions, NSSI is associated with an increased risk of future suicide attempts, and therefore should never be taken lightly.

Signs to Watch For

It is important for parents, teachers, and other helping professionals to learn to recognize the signs and symptoms of self-injury. A few things to watch for include: wearing long sleeves even when it is hot outside; a pressing desire for a lot of time alone; and, of course, unexplained, or suspicious cuts, burns, or bruises.

Sometimes, individuals who engage in self-harming behaviors may appear to be clumsy or have frequent accidents, and use these incidents to explain self-inflicted injuries. Adolescents who experience depression or anxiety, have difficulty solving problems, or who tend to feel things deeply may have an increased risk of turning to NSSI as a method of coping.

What to Do If Your Child Is Cutting

How you respond matters! If you suspect or discover that your child is cutting or engaging in other self-harming behaviors, it is important to seek help from a qualified mental health professional. A professional will begin with an assessment and may recommend family or individual therapy, or a combination of both.

Early intervention is best, so don’t wait to get help. Treatment can be effective at both reducing the behaviors and addressing painful emotions.

Reference:

Sutton, J., & Martinson, D. (2003). Because I hurt: Understanding self-injury & healing the hurt. Oxford: How To Books.

Two young people sit on benches in park looking at each otherIt’s that feeling down in your belly that wiggles and burns, then jumps into your chest as you check your phone for the 10th time for a text from the object of your interest. Fireworks. Electricity. A burning flame. These are all descriptors that often describe passionate, romantic love.

We often hear people say they love someone so much it hurts or that a person can give them “butterflies” in the stomach if they’re in the same room. We think to ourselves, “This person works them up so much. They must really be into them!” The reality, however, is that pain and anxiety are not signs of passion. They are just pain and anxiety. Authentic love should not feel that way.

The Mixed Signals of Romance

In the beginning of a developing relationship, you may feel preoccupied with powerful feelings. Anxiety and excitement feel very similar. However, as a relationship builds, those unnerving feelings can be indicators the relationship is not truly serving you.

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Anxiety can show up in a number of ways in relationships. Perhaps you worry excessively about what your significant other thinks or feel like you need to be perfect when they are around. You may have irrational thoughts that they might be angry or leave you. You may feel self-conscious around this person, or even panic when things go wrong. This is not how a person should feel in a secure, loving, and supportive relationship.

Are Your Needs Being Met?

It’s not uncommon for someone to become anxious about a relationship when a partner is not meeting their needs. When we feel ignored or not prioritized, it can be unsettling.

You probably have a friend who texts their significant other relentlessly every time they fail to answer the phone, asking where they are, what they’re doing, or instructing the person to call back right away. Your friend may be coming from a place of anxiety and might not feel secure about their partnership. Maybe your friend has reason not to trust their partner. Maybe they are carrying hurt and suspicion from a past breakup. Either way, those rapid-fire texts are not a sign of undying love—they may, instead, indicate anxiousness.

All that angst may feel like over-the-moon passion, but remember: above anything else, your relationship should feel calm and safe.Some degree of anxiety in a relationship is normal. But if you frequently feel nervous about where things stand with your significant other, you may want to pause and think about what’s causing you to feel that way.

Does your partner ignore you for long periods of time? Are they hypercritical or jealous? Maybe they make you feel guilty, give you ultimatums, or become passive-aggressive and irritable. Does your partner act overly flirtatious with others? These are all examples of unhealthy relationship dynamics that can leave people feeling panicky and unnerved. If any of these are behaviors are commonplace in your relationship, you may want to reach out to a couples counselor or rethink your commitment.

From Infatuation to Meaningful Connection

As a relationship develops and moves past the honeymoon phase, lust and novelty should be replaced by trust, commitment, and dependability. These are the true qualifiers of an authentic, long-term connection. A loving relationship should feel secure, reliable, and supportive. You should be able to feel relaxed and open about being accepted as your true self. You should be able to trust your partner to be loyal. You should feel like a priority. Everyone deserves this type of relationship.

All that angst may feel like over-the-moon passion, but remember: above anything else, your relationship should feel calm and safe.

businesswoman running lateThese days, stress and work often go hand in hand. Many of us can’t even imagine what our jobs would be like if they didn’t stress us out at least a little bit. In fact, a recent survey conducted for the American Institute of Stress found that more than 80% of Americans find at least one aspect of their jobs stressful.

Although many factors contributing to work-related stress are out of one’s control, there are many habits we engage in that can make our work days all the more nerve-racking. Here are nine bad habits at work that could be increasing your job stress, along with some suggestions on ways to overcome them:

1. Procrastination

Waiting until the last possible minute to do something isn’t good for anybody’s nerves. Studies show that people who procrastinate have higher stress levels, lower overall well-being, and poorer performance outcomes than those who tackle a task right away.

The best way to combat procrastination is to just get started. Even if you don’t finish what you start, getting the ball rolling helps and makes the overall project less daunting. Just do it; don’t wait. If you put everything off to the last minute, you’re certain to feel more stressed, not to mention you leave little room for revision or error.

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2. Running Late

Let’s face it: running late is stressful. When you’re already late, it seems like everything takes longer, traffic is heavier, and people move slower. If you are always running late and in a hurry, you’re constantly stressing yourself out. Who wants to start their work day feeling stressed?

Break this habit by getting started 10 or even five minutes earlier. Conceptualize how much time you think you need to get ready, and then simply add 10 minutes (or five) to it. Those extra minutes will provide the leeway you need to help remain calm on the way to work, which inevitably impacts the rest of your day.

3. Not Taking Breaks

To maintain low stress levels, take a break! Breaks are important for maintaining your mental health.

If you think skipping breaks makes you more productive, think again. It can actually have the opposite effect. Studies have shown that taking regular breaks increases both productivity and creativity. Think of the mind like you would a muscle. If you overwork your muscles, they get fatigued. The same goes for your brain. It needs rest, too.

4. Poor Planning

When you leave work at the end of each day, you should have a general outline of tasks for the next morning. If you go in each day without a plan of action, you’ll be less productive, end up wasting time, and increase your stress in the long run when you have difficulty keeping up with your workload.

Decrease your stress by coming to work prepared and acknowledging your duties first thing in the morning or whenever you arrive. One of the last things you should do each day is make a to-do list of work that needs to be done the next day. There are many tools available to help with this, such as a traditional planner or an app that will help you keep you on task (there are several).

5. Focusing on the Negative

If you’re constantly complaining about your boss, your workload, or your coworkers, you’re making your job more difficult. Complaining alone rarely solves anything; it just brings you and those around you down. In the workplace, attitude is very much contagious.

You can’t hate what you do 40-plus hours a week and keep your stress levels low.

Complaining in small amounts can be healthy; it allows us to vent our frustrations and acknowledge our feelings. But when you make a habit of complaining, it can start to wreak havoc on your life and affect your coworkers. To change this habit, consider spending a few moments at the end of each day (after writing your to-do list for tomorrow) thinking and writing down up to three things that were positive about your work day. Maybe you exceeded productivity, maybe you helped a customer, or maybe you helped a coworker with something he or she was struggling with. Jot it down and remove yourself from the negative thought patterns we all fall into when situations in life seem crummy.

6. Hating Your Job

Consider that you will spend almost a third of your adult life at work. If you really can’t stand your job and find yourself dreading every Monday morning, you might want to consider looking for another job or changing careers. You can’t hate what you do 40-plus hours a week and keep your stress levels low.

To change this habit and get your life moving in a direction that brings you greater satisfaction, consider finding a therapist or career counselor to work with. If you meet with a therapist, he or she may be able to help you discover emotional or behavioral issues that contribute to your job dissatisfaction. A career counselor may help you discover something more in line with your values, work ethic, and interests.

7. Bringing Work Home with You

Sometimes, circumstances make working at home unavoidable. When you can, however, leave your work at work.

In modern society, many of us carry our phones, laptops, or tablets with us regularly. This helps us facilitate work in different ways, but it can also take away time spent with family, relaxing, or performing other self-care activities. If you find yourself answering work calls at the dinner table, make an effort to ditch the digital leash. If you can minimize the amount of time you think about work when you aren’t at work, you’ll likely find that your work-related stress will decrease.

8. Sitting All Day

Some studies indicate that working at a desk or sitting at work all day is about as unhealthy as smoking cigarettes. Sitting for prolonged periods puts an incredible amount of pressure on the spine and increases tension within the body. This often manifests as physical stress, which releases the stress hormone cortisol. Cortisol can be responsible for weight gain, physical health problems, and can affect your mental health as well.

The best way to break this habit is to simply get moving. Make it a point to stand for at least one hour a day or do an exercise on your break. Walk around your building, take the stairs throughout the day, or take a walk after dinner. While seated at work, you can also make sure you keep good posture and stretch regularly. Adding some activity throughout the day can also benefit your productivity.

9. Neglecting Work-Life Balance

It’s easy to get caught up in our careers and neglect other areas of our lives. If you find you’re working too much and playing too little, make the time in your life for recreation to help decrease your stress levels. If you’re able to take a vacation, consider it an investment in your health.

It is important to maintain a work-life balance. In addition to recreational activities, consider whether you are making enough time for your family or friends. If you continually focus on work and don’t take care of your other needs, you’re bound to end up feeling stressed. You need to always be practicing self-care or stress will take its toll.

If Work Stress Is Getting the Best of You, Help Is Available

Stress can be detrimental to your health. It is the root cause in many instances of mental and physical health issues, including anxiety, depression, heart disease, sleep disturbances, digestive problems, weight gain/loss, concentration issues, and memory impairment. Interestingly, many researchers also say that work is the most significant cause of stress among American adults.

Breaking the aforementioned habits can help you drastically reduce your work-related stress, but sometimes you might need to do deeper work emotionally, behaviorally, or cognitively to break a negative thought pattern or get back to a place where you can function at your best. Because of this, many therapists and mental health professionals are trained to help people cope with and overcome workplace issues. If you find that work-related stress is impacting your life in a negative way, consider reaching out to a mental health professional to increase your satisfaction and happiness at your current job, or to help you get on the path to a new, more fulfilling one.

References:

  1. Jaffe, Eric. (2013). Why Wait? The Science Behind Procrastination. Association of Psychological Science. Retrieved from http://www.psychologicalscience.org/index.php/publications/observer/2013/april-13/why-wait-the-science-behind-procrastination.html
  2. Korkki, Phyllis. (2012, June 16). To Stay on Schedule, Take a Break. The New York Times. Retrieved from http://www.nytimes.com/2012/06/17/jobs/take-breaks-regularly-to-stay-on-schedule-workstation.html?_r=0
  3. Mayo Clinic Staff. (2013, July 11). Chronic Stress Puts Your Health at Risk. Mayo Clinic. Retrieved from http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/stress-management/in-depth/stress/art-20046037?pg=1
  4. Workplace Stress. The American Institute of Stress. Retrieved from http://www.stress.org/workplace-stress/

Family in the maternity hospital with newbornA happy event though it is, integrating a new baby into the family is a huge transition. It’s a huge transition for Mom and Dad, of course, but it’s also a huge transition for older children in the family.

The dynamic of the whole family changes when a new baby arrives. The arrival of a new baby can be one of the most traumatic events in a child’s life. It is a significant transition that must be handled with compassion and empathy, lest you risk harming his or her self-worth and sense of security. The integration of a new baby into the family can create an emotional crisis for children. Therefore, children need the assurance of their parents’ love more than ever.

It is completely normal for children to experience jealousy once a new baby arrives, even if the children are excited about having a new baby in the house. The reality is that children will have to adjust to the shift in the amount of attention they receive from their parents. Children may experience this shift as a loss that they grieve. How children adjust to a new baby depends on their temperament and the ease of the transition of integrating the new baby into the family. The goal for parents is to help children manage their jealousy so that, sooner rather than later, love for the new baby can take over.

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The integration of a new baby tends to be most difficult for children 18 months to three years. Children younger than that aren’t as aware, and children older than that typically have other things distracting them. When the time comes for the baby to arrive, parents need to ensure that children do not feel abandoned. Having Mommy go away to the hospital can be traumatic if the children are on the younger side and don’t understand why she left, which may make it more difficult to accept the new addition to the family once the baby is brought home.

It is best to start preparing children for the new arrival before the baby even arrives. The goal is to help children feel connected to the baby and to become enthusiastic about its arrival.

Strategies for Helping Children Embrace a New Sibling

The following are some strategies parents can use to help children adjust to a new sibling:

Patiently allowing the time needed for children to adjust to the arrival of a new baby, and providing love and emotional support of their feelings, will help children to recognize that their feelings are accepted and understood. As a result, children may be more likely to accept the arrival of a new sibling and view it as a joyful event.

Important Notice

GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.