Sisters on the floor together, coloringMaybe there is an increase of bullying in our society. Maybe there is an increase in awareness. Either way, it is getting a lot of attention these days. Teachers and parents are sensitized to the signs of bullying and are becoming more skilled at breaking the cycle and protecting bullied children. But what happens when the bully is not a classmate or a teammate or a neighbor? What happens when the bully is in the victim’s own home? Recent research in Great Britain suggests the effects are severe and long-term.

Since time immemorial, siblings have pried their way under each other’s skin. Arguing and jockeying for position in the family are part of growing up. The problem is that sometimes parents misunderstand what they are witnessing in their children. What they view as sibling rivalry can actually be bullying. There is a simple way to tell the difference.

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When two children are sparring, it is easy to observe that they are both upset and both engaged in the clash. Parents can intervene and set the rules of engagement, teach the value of mutual respect, and offer children templates for managing disagreements at home and with those they may face in the world outside the home. But when one sibling is bullying another, it is only the bully who is engaged and seeming to delight in the taunting. The bullied child is miserable. The only response for parents is to stop the bullying. Period. There is no false equivalency: they are not equally at fault. There is no need for mutual apology. There is only stopping the aggression and offering solace and protection to the victim.

Most sibling bullying takes the form of name-calling and insults, both of which are passive-aggressive behaviors the bully can deny when confronted. “She’s taking it too seriously!” “She started it!” “If she weren’t such a brat, this would not have happened.” It is never the bully’s fault. The bully loves to play the role of victim. And the bully can be very convincing to parents who are too distracted or too exhausted to figure out what is really going on.

Meanwhile, the victim—for the purposes of this article, we’ll use young girls as our examples—feels unsafe in her own home. She returns from school with dread every day, emotionally defended and prepared for a shellacking by her sister, who can be older or younger than she is. She learns that her parents cannot or will not intervene on her behalf. She feels defenseless and begins to doubt her own perception. It is a form of gaslighting: the bully sibling makes the victim wonder whether she really is the nasty, incompetent, bratty person the bully is telling her she is.

The likely victim in sibling bullying is the child who is sensitive and thoughtful. The bully is likely to have problems which the parents do not see. These can be related to being bullied herself at school, for example, or they can be the result of transferring the effects of her own trauma onto someone else. Often in dysfunctional families where a child feels unsupported or ignored, that child will take it out on a sibling because for any number of reasons she fears that going directly at the parent would crash her own fragile world, regardless of how unpleasant it may be.

There are also other, less obvious, explanations for bullying a sibling. Children can have personality conditions, just as adults can. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) offers a diagnosis of oppositional defiant disorder to describe children under the age of 18 who exhibit behaviors devoid of compassion and empathy for others. The adult version of this is antisocial personality. This is a potentially serious problem.

It is a daunting situation for a parent to face the possibility that a child might need psychotherapeutic care. Sometimes, it is more than parents can bear to face. They feel ashamed, somehow responsible, for the behavior of their bullying child. Though bullies crop up more often in families with trauma, alcoholism, or other chronic dysfunction, these components are not always in place. Sometimes, with all the best of support and parental supervision, children need help from professionals. Bullies generally are not happy people, as children or as adults.

If you’re a parent, closely monitor your children’s arguing. Be certain that’s actually what you are seeing. If the playing field is not level and one child enjoys the other child’s distress, you are not looking at normal sibling development. You are looking at bullying, and your role as a parent is to stop it immediately.

But there is plenty of material available to parents to help them disarm bullies. My concern here is with the victim. Often, it is the victim who is told by well-meaning parents either to ignore the bully or to fight back. Neither of these approaches feels possible to the typical victim child. And neither is effective, anyway: ignoring a bully is tantamount to goading her, and fighting back is unrealistic advice for a child whose temperament is neither adversarial nor combative.

She is at risk for low self-esteem, depression, and even self-harm as a result of being bullied by a sibling who renders the home an unsafe place. Where is the victim to go? Children have neither the means nor the power to remove themselves from an environment that is so painful. She is stuck enduring the grief until she can manage to leave home for college or move on to the workforce and her own apartment.

But she is insufficiently prepared. She might develop a sarcastic style, for example, which pushes people away from her when she most needs contact with others and trusted friends. She is deeply wounded. She rejects herself the way her bullying sibling rejected her for all those years. She does not feel lovable. She is deeply sad. And she doesn’t understand why. These consequences can go on for a victim’s entire life. She can forever struggle with self-doubt and negative self-talk, taking over the belittling work of the bully long after both have left home.

A sensitive and talented child can remain hobbled if sibling bullying is left unaddressed. It is not unusual for bully and victim roles to continue well into adulthood. If the victim marries and has her own children, and then finally comes to see it is in her best interest to sever relations with her bullying sibling, her own children and family may condemn her for what they do not understand, and which she is unable to adequately explain.

If you’re a parent, closely monitor your children’s arguing. Be certain that’s actually what you are seeing. If the playing field is not level and one child enjoys the other child’s distress, you are not looking at normal sibling development. You are looking at bullying, and your role as a parent is to stop it immediately. This is in the interest of both the victim and the bully.

If you are an adult struggling with the confusing long-term damage of having been bullied at home, supportive counseling can help you understand yourself better. You can address why you were unable to defend yourself as a child (likely because you didn’t understand what was happening) and that it was your parents’ responsibility to intervene and protect you (which they didn’t, for reasons unique to them). You can also unravel the roots of any current problems you may have with confidence and self-worth. Please don’t be surprised if they derive from the way your sibling treated you as a child. And please be alert to the possibility this behavior may be continuing toward you in the present. Counseling can help you identify ongoing toxic relationships in your family of origin and guide you toward setting boundaries in order to stop behaviors that are harmful to you.

It is unlikely you can disarm a sibling who bullied you as a child and who is now an adult. Adult bullies tend to become ever more adept at the plausible deniability inherent in passive-aggressive behavior (“Oh, that’s not what I meant,” for example, when you try, however cautiously, to hold them accountable for poor behavior). This isn’t to say change isn’t possible.

Finally, it is important to remember that no happy person would choose to bully another, regardless of their insistence that they are happy and you are the problem. Compassion you may feel for the bully can only take you so far, however. You must also take steps to guard yourself from the ongoing effects of their continued disrespect toward you.

Reference:

Bowes, L., Wolke, D., Joinson, C., Lereya, S. T., & Lewis, G. (2014, September 8). Sibling bullying and risk of depression, anxiety, and self-harm: A prospective cohort study. Pediatrics. doi: 10.1542/peds.2014-0832

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

Christmas is coming up and I’m dreading it. I’m so sick of all the commercialization. I’m also pretty much broke. I know I’m going to get all kinds of gifts, some of which are expensive, and the expectation will be that I return the favor.

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Christmas is big in my family, and everyone tends to spend big accordingly. Even if I had money to spend, though, I don’t want to spend it on gifts. And I work two jobs, so I don’t have time to make things for people. So I don’t know what to do. I just want to skip Christmas and go straight to New Year’s, but instead I’m going to have to deal with all kinds of guilt over not being a good reciprocal gift giver. If you have any ideas or words of wisdom for me, I’ll take them. —Giving Up

Dear Giving Up,

You are not alone in dreading the expectations of the holidays. What once felt like it was about gathering with loved ones and sharing in the joy of the season has, for many, become about obligation. It doesn’t have to be that way.

Do you think your family would be open to looking at this holiday differently? Some families are moving in a direction to replace tangible gifts with experiences. Would that be something you could all discuss?

My recommendation would be to talk about how you are feeling with your family. Let them know you aren’t able to participate in lavish gift giving. You could ask them what might be something meaningful they would like from you. If you are clear with them before they select a gift for you, they can still choose to give you an expensive gift; they cannot expect you to return the favor.

For some families, doing Christmas “big” is half the fun of the season. You can, however, define for yourselves what big means.

If your family traditions are inspiring feelings of guilt rather than joy, before the holidays is a good time to talk about them. For some, the giving is what brings them joy—even without the expectation of a return. For some families, doing Christmas “big” is half the fun of the season. You can, however, define for yourselves what big means. It doesn’t necessarily have to be the price tag that is big. What could make the holiday fun for you? If you come with some suggestions about what you’d like the holiday to be or mean, you may find that others get excited about your ideas. At the very least, you are starting a dialogue about what matters to you and what you hope your family traditions may be.

If you have been honest with your family, and they have let you off the hook for lavish gift exchange and you are still feeling guilty, you may want to explore those feelings with a therapist. You may want to look at how you wish to engage with your family around holidays and other traditions in ways that work for you. Sometimes we believe it is impossible to break out of family patterns that seem entrenched. Getting support on how to start that process could be helpful.

Best of luck,

Erika Myers, MS, MEd, LPC, NCC

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I’ve managed to get to age 66 without writing a will. The thought has always terrified me, but now it’s more real than ever. As my kids start (gently) pressuring me to consider talking to a lawyer about finally drawing one up, I’m feeling more and more anxious about it.

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Death doesn’t really scare me so much, but having a document that my family will read when I die makes it terribly real. It brings up images in my head of them all going through it together and everything being so final. I know I’m at an age where I can no longer ignore it or put it off, but I stubbornly want to never deal with it.

Do you have any advice for someone who is anxious to tears about doing this? Or any thoughts about how to get through the process without falling apart? —Wills and Grace

Dear WAG,

I’m sorry to hear about your struggle. End-of-life matters are inherently unpleasant, but it sounds like your anxiety is running overtime and making those matters much worse. First and foremost, I recommend working with a therapist who can help you better understand the nature and origin of your anxious feelings. That insight may yield opportunities to identify soothing and coping strategies that make it easier for you to follow through on the difficult task of developing a will.

“Thy will be done”—sooner rather than later. And although you didn’t ask, this applies to health proxies and powers of attorney as well. These are important legal documents designed to safeguard yourself and your family. See a lawyer, then write, sign, and file these papers, which are designed to make everyone’s life easier, including your own. Tell your kids where they can find them. Give them copies.

The original documents should be kept in a safe place. Safe place doesn’t necessarily mean safe deposit box, because your kids will not be able to enter that box without your prior written permission. Arrange with the bank and one of your kids so they have permission to open the box; otherwise, they will need a court order. Give that kid their own key and let them all know where your bank is.

In fact, organize your financial documents and tell your kids where they are. I keep mine in the upper left-hand drawer of my desk, and my kids know that. Let your kids know the names and contact information for your doctors, lawyers, and bank. Make a list of important information and give it to them. You will also need to ask someone to be your executor, the person in charge of carrying out your wishes.

If it seems like I speak from experience, it’s because I do. I have a will, and it divides my estate among family members and gives a little bit to the public library and some other places.

I assume you have assets. If you become seriously ill, your kids may need these assets to help pay for your medical care. Make it easy for them in both your life and your death, which, you write, “doesn’t scare you.” Just thinking about it does! Yes, this all makes the prospect of your death terribly real. Death is terribly real for everybody; unfortunately, ignoring it doesn’t prevent it.

You worry about “falling apart” while getting this all together. I’m not sure what you mean by that, but I do know that by 66 you’ve done a lot of hard things, probably fell apart doing some of them, and then put yourself back together. Here’s your chance to do that again.

You write that you “stubbornly” don’t want to deal with your eventual death, but it’s your kids who will have to deal with it. Your kids will be dealing with their sorrow and maybe also their frustration with your unwillingness to prepare for their future without you. You sound like you love them, and I’m guessing if you’re 66 they may be in their 30s or 40s, which means you’ve seen them through many difficulties and perhaps crises of their own. Here’s your last chance—literally the last—to take care of your kids. Do it for your kids, if not for yourself.

You’re concerned about your family reading your will, but you don’t say what it is that concerns you. Yes, it is sad to think of your kids reading your final wishes and reacting to your death. It’s even worse thinking of them having to sort out your finances while they are in states of grief. They’ll be grieving if you don’t have a will or if you do have one, but I imagine they’ll feel worse if you haven’t prepared them for how you want things to go when you die. They have been asking you, after all. They’re concerned. Would they be angry with you if you don’t have a will?

You worry about “falling apart” while getting this all together. I’m not sure what you mean by that, but I do know that by 66 you’ve done a lot of hard things, probably fell apart doing some of them, and then put yourself back together. Here’s your chance to do that again. You might ask a trusted friend or relative if they can help, or you might consult a therapist along the way. Aging gives us many things to worry about; death may be the least of them.

It is very painful to imagine yourself separated from the people you love. You won’t know what happens next in their stories, and that is sad. I personally would love to meet my great grandchildren and their children, too, or at least see into the future and know their biographies. Our children’s lives will go on without us, as they should. But as their lives proceed, the part we played continues to live on within them. Keep those memories clear, lead the way forward, and show them a positive model of aging and death.

I wish you well as you navigate this struggle.

Kind regards,

Lynn Somerstein, PhD, E-RYT

Child in front of parents arguingContrary to popular belief, witnessing arguments between parents may not always be bad for children. According to new research published in the Journal of Family Psychology, it’s how those arguments are handled that matters.

Children who witness constructive arguments between their parents may benefit from the experience. Compared to children whose parents engage in destructive argument patterns, children exposed to constructive disagreements were more emotionally secure.

Arguing in Front of Children: Conflict Style Matters

The study used data from the Building Strong Families Project, which focused on families with low incomes. These families face many stressors that put them at risk for conflict. Researchers analyzed data collected when children in the study were about 3 years old. Both mothers and fathers answered questions about how they managed conflict, as well as how their children reacted to conflicts between the parents.

The study defined constructive conflict as conflict in which couples stayed focused on a single topic and made progress toward a solution. Constructive conflict also meant avoiding anger and resentment and sticking to the present instead of bringing up past disputes.

Researchers identified the following styles of conflict management: relationships in which both partners managed conflict constructively; relationships in which both partners managed conflict destructively; and relationships in which one partner was more destructive than the other.

[fat_widget_right]They found no correlation between conflict management style and parenting style. This suggests parents could behave lovingly with their children even when they were destructive with their partners. But even when parents were loving, children who witnessed destructive conflicts suffered. Compared to those who witnessed constructive conflict, children who had one destructive parent were more likely to feel emotionally insecure.

Why Some Conflict Can Be Beneficial

Researchers noted that levels of emotional insecurity were lowest among children whose parents both engaged in destructive conflict. This may be because the parents were more likely to separate by the time data was collected. The fact that so few parents fit into this group might also have skewed the data.

Though stereotypes suggest low-income families may have more constructive conflicts due to stress, the study found destructive conflict was relatively uncommon. Both partners were destructive in just 3% of families. More than half of couples both consistently argued constructively.

Therapists interested in supporting families, particularly low-income families, should consider that not all conflict is harmful. Instead, helping families discuss disagreements more constructively may benefit families and children.

References:

  1. Kopystynska, O., Paschall, K. W., Barnett, M. A., & Curran, M. A. (2017). Patterns of interparental conflict, parenting, and children’s emotional insecurity: A person-centered approach. Journal of Family Psychology. doi:10.1037/fam0000343
  2. Parents: How you manage conflict has an impact on your kids. (2017, September 20). Retrieved from https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2017/09/170920131717.htm

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

How can I make my family understand that I’m not ready for marriage yet? For most of my life, I have been told by my parents (mostly my mom) to stay away from boys and to focus on my schoolwork and landing a good job. Now that I’m older, my mom comes out of the blue and starts lecturing me on finding a boyfriend, getting married, and having kids. I’m comfortable being on my own right now. —Happily Single

Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist

Dear Happily Single,

Parents are like that—mothers especially. They know what they want for their daughters, so they tell them how to get it and nag them until they do. It’s fine for your mother to have ambitions and ideas as they relate to you, but it is not okay for her to push them on you. She wants you to want what she wants for you—not what you want for you.

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You don’t say whether you fulfilled your mother’s expectations to “stay away from boys” and focus on schoolwork and getting a good job. Parenting directives of that nature come from a good place and may be appropriate when you’re a teenager. You don’t say how old you are now, but I gather you’re not a teenager anymore. And while your mom may still mean well, only your internal directives matter now.

In your mother’s eyes, getting married and having kids is the next step. Perhaps you will want those things in the future, perhaps not. The bottom line is you’re not there. You are not ready to get married and have kids and you are self-aware enough to know that. So stick to your guns. Now is the time to explore who you are now and to pursue the life you envision for yourself now.

Learning to advocate for yourself, to not take the bait, isn’t easy. But you may find it an enormously helpful life skill that comes in handy more times than you can imagine, and in a great variety of situations. Just because someone invites you to an argument doesn’t mean you have to go.

But what can you do about your mother? How can you make her stop? I’d start by suggesting you tell her to back off, but I have the feeling you’ve done that and it hasn’t worked. You can’t change her and make her stop talking about what she wants you to do, just as she can’t change you and make you do what she wants. But you can change how you respond to her.

You might try a karate master’s technique and let your mother’s energy just whiz by you. Summon your internal energy or resolve. Focus on your strength and feel your power. Let your mother’s words flow past you. Focus on your breath, stay centered, and let her words go by.

My grandmother used to say to me, “I’m going to tell you something. Promise you won’t get mad.” I would promise, then listen to what she had to say and get mad anyway. This went on for years, until I learned to say, “If you know I’m going to get mad at you, why do you say it?” After a time, she stopped handing out her free advice and we got along much better.

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You might take a similar approach, but one that could prove effective right away: keep your response centered on your feelings about the behavior, not the behavior itself. Use “I” statements, not “you” statements, as the latter tend to elicit defensiveness when the goal is empathy and understanding. When your mother throws out a line with the hook, “When are you going to find a nice boy and settle down and get married?” you can refuse to bite and tell her succinctly, “I know those words come from a place of concern for me, but I have made my position on this clear. It hurts me when my feelings are ignored. It makes me feel like I can’t be who I am.” See if that makes a difference. If she continues to press and you continue to feel burdened by her expectations, you might consult a therapist in your area who can help you learn strategies for coping with the distress your mother’s words are causing you. Again, you can’t change your mom, but you can change how she affects you.

Learning to advocate for yourself, to not take the bait, isn’t easy. But you may find it an enormously helpful life skill that comes in handy more times than you can imagine, and in a great variety of situations. Just because someone invites you to an argument doesn’t mean you have to go.

If you’d like to read more about this, check out Pema Chödrön’s audio book Don’t Bite the Hook: Finding Freedom from Anger, Resentment, and Other Destructive Emotions.

Kind regards,

Lynn Somerstein, PhD, E-RYT

Mother scolds teen who looks away, sitting on sofa, rubbing forehead in irritationLet’s face it: no one likes conflict, especially conflict with people we love and care about. Unfortunately, conflict is inevitable in relationships, especially in parent-child relationships. Parent-child conflict is, in fact, a frequent reason families seek therapy. Often, parents and children state that conflict in the home is stressful, uncomfortable, upsetting, and angering. Conflict is difficult because it typically leaves both parties feeling emotionally flooded, hurt, and hesitant about future connections with the other person. Conflict and the feelings related to conflict, if left unresolved, can linger for days or weeks and may seep into other relationships within the family.

For many families, the goal is to get rid of conflict altogether. For parents, this sometimes turns into a permissive parenting style characterized by poor boundaries, rules, and consequences for fear of inciting conflict. For kids, this can turn into anxiety or a perfectionist tendency in an effort to decrease the negativity surrounding the conflict. Either way, these strategies often lead to unhealthy dynamics and future problems. While it is always preferable to use healthy communication strategies to keep conflict to a minimum, a healthy relationship is ultimately defined less by the frequency of conflict and more by the repair strategies each person uses and is open to receiving.

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What is a repair attempt? Dr. John Gottman talks a lot about repair attempts in his work with couples. These same strategies can be successfully used in all sorts of relationships, including parent-child relationships. According to Gottman (1999), a repair attempt is “any statement or action—silly or otherwise—that prevents negativity from escalating out of control” (p. 22). He suggests people in healthy relationships repair early and often and are both able to make repair attempts and receive repair attempts.

Below are some examples of repair attempts that you can use at home as a parent or child.

  1. Validate the other person’s emotions. Letting the other person know you hear them and validate their feelings and experience can go a long way to decreasing conflict. Both parents and children often express feeling misunderstood and dismissed by the other. By validating, you are saying, “I hear you” and “I care about your feelings.”
    • For kids: A lot of times, your parents may feel taken for granted, invisible, and that you don’t care how they feel. By validating their emotions, it can decrease their anger, hurt feelings, and potential defensiveness. Remember, your parents are people with feelings too.
    • For parents: How many times have you heard kids say no one understands them? Well, that might be due in part to the fact adults don’t always do a good job validating their feelings. By validating your child’s feelings, you are communicating to them that you want to understand them and are there for them no matter how they are feeling.
  2. Take responsibility and apologize. Taking responsibility and apologizing for your role in a situation or conflict can go a long way to deescalating a situation.
    • For kids: Usually parents just want to hear you know what you did wrong, that you take responsibility for your choice, and you have learned not to repeat the behavior. The sooner you can take ownership of your piece, the quicker the conflict will end.
    • For parents: Kids often believe parents don’t apologize or see how they can make poor choices too. It can be powerful for kids to hear a parent apologize and take ownership of their mistakes. You are also modeling for your kids the importance of this skill.
  3. Use Gottman’s “stop action” strategies. Gottman has some great strategies to stop conflict in its place before someone gets flooded or things escalate too far. Although it is important for parents to be able to initiate and model these skills, kids can also learn to recognize when they are becoming overwhelmed and ask for a break. Remember, these are not strategies to avoid conflict but rather allow each person to calm down and revisit the conversation from a better, calmer place. Gottman (1999) gives the following examples (p. 175):

Remind yourself to listen to the other person’s words, not just their tone, and embrace a repair attempt when it has been presented. When in doubt, seek support from a therapist.

  1. Try to see things from the other person’s perspective. Along with validating, putting yourself in the other person’s shoes and seeing the conflict from their perspective can help move a disagreement along to a healthy resolution.
    • For kids: Even though it may feel at times parents are being unfair, most of the time their rules, consequences, and boundaries are coming from a place of love and protection. For example, if you are arguing over curfew, it can be helpful to put yourself in their shoes and recognize they are not setting a curfew just to make you angry, but rather to make sure you are safe. Try saying something like, “I know you have a curfew for me because you love me and are trying to keep me safe. I am grateful for that. However, I feel I am at an age where a later curfew is appropriate.” By saying this, you are validating their concerns while sharing your position.
    • For parents: Again, kids often feel misunderstood. And let’s be honest, sometimes it can be hard to understand their motivations and/or choices. However, if you take a moment to reframe their behavior and put yourself in their shoes, you might find this new understanding helps you both reach a positive resolution. For example, if you are arguing over phone usage, you might recognize how important peer connection is in their life. You might say something like, “I know your friends are important to you and your phone is the best way to stay connected outside of school. I understand that limiting your usage makes you worry that you will miss out on important things. However, we feel strongly that cellphones be turned off at 9 p.m. so you get good sleep. Maybe we can make more of an effort to get you together with friends after school or on the weekends.” By using this repair strategy, your child may feel heard and that there are options to get their needs met.
  2. Ask what the other person needs and/or share what you need in the moment. You can share your feelings and needs with “I” statements (i.e., “I am feeling blamed and defensive right now and could really use a break”). You can also ask the other person what they need (i.e., “It seems like you are feeling really upset right now. Would it help to take a break and come back to this when we are both calmer?”). Again, this strategy can help initiate a much-needed cool-down period.
  3. Use humor. Humor is a good strategy to deescalate conflict. One way you can use humor is through a funny code/safe word you both come up with to identify when conflict is getting out of hand. When things are calm, work together to think of a funny word or phrase that either one of you can use when you are feeling flooded during conflict. Use of this word during conflict should signify it is time to use those self-regulation skills or take a break until you are calmer. Sometimes, it may just get the two of you laughing.

It is important to note that sometimes these repair attempts don’t come across in the clearest or gentlest way. Therefore, it is important not only to make an effort to use them appropriately, but to be on the lookout for them from the other person. This can be especially difficult when your relationship is fraught with negativity. Remind yourself to listen to the other person’s words, not just their tone, and embrace a repair attempt when it has been presented. When in doubt, seek support from a therapist to help you learn and practice some of these skills. Therapy can be a great place to begin to identify and practice potential repair strategies for use at home.

Reference:

Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York, NY: Three Rivers Press.

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

My mom and dad divorced when I was 14. I’m in my forties now. Neither of my parents is in the best of health, and I don’t know how much time left I have with them. They don’t talk to each other. I’m on good terms with both of them, though closer to my dad.

I was visiting my mom a couple of years ago when she told me a bombshell of a family secret: my dad had been sexually abused by a pastor as a child. This went on for years, apparently. It seems my mom is the only person in our family he has told about this—assuming she is to be believed. I add this qualifier because she has a history of creating drama. I have not known her to outright lie, however.

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I am inclined to believe her, as I know my dad was raised in a devout, church-going family and he has never been one to be very open with his feelings, emotions, or past experiences. If he was indeed abused as a child, I think it’s likely he’d hide it from his children, out of what I would imagine is a deep sense of shame.

It’s my empathy and compassion for that shame that has kept me from saying anything to him these past couple of years. One the one hand, I really want him to be able to talk about his past with me. Part of me thinks that by talking about it, he might be able to make peace with it (assuming he hasn’t already) and perhaps have fewer regrets as the end of his life approaches. On the other hand, I don’t want to push him into talking about something he doesn’t feel comfortable talking about. The one thing I am sure of is that he’ll take this to his grave if I don’t bring it up. If I do bring it up, I would not be surprised if he denied it.

What are your thoughts? Should I try to get him to talk to me about this? —Hurting for Him

Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist

Dear Hurting,

What a fascinating question—and touching, since your empathy for your father is so obvious. I’m moved by how you want to help him find peace with what sounds like a pretty awful betrayal and abuse of trust. As the film Spotlight illustrated, it’s terribly painful when “God’s ambassadors” are the ones perpetuating such psychological and/or physical injury, which can leave scars for a lifetime.

I suppose my main question is: whose peace are you actually seeking? It sounds as if you are nagged by the question or impulse to help him. My question is, and I mean this in a deep sense: how come? This is not to sound skeptical; I just find it’s helpful to understand one’s own impulse to help. There are times when, in my own experience, the relief cuts two ways—one for the other person and two for ourselves, since we are troubled by such a disturbing disclosure.

Wanting to help our parents as they grow older is one way many of us want to “give back” for what we are just now beginning to appreciate. It sounds as though you have an intuitive sense of how this might be bothering your father. I also wonder if your mother told you because she either was tired of carrying such a secret herself all these years or was hoping you might find a way to approach him. Did she say this to you in confidence, or is she okay with you bringing it to him?

It’s impossible for me (and you, it sounds like) to know how your father has or hasn’t made peace with this. I have learned not to underestimate the ability of the human mind to compartmentalize. We have to, in order to adapt and move forward. Where adaptation becomes repression or dissociation can be ambiguous, since every person, every relationship, and every situation is different.

I would still advise you to pause a moment to gently reflect on your motives and feelings. What are you hoping might come of an honest conversation with your dad? If he has never really dealt with it, it’s unlikely one conversation will clear it up. It might—or it might stir up all kinds of complex feelings around what happened. He may feel anger at the perpetrator and those who failed to protect him as a boy. It’s also possible he doesn’t know how he feels, or harbors deeper feelings that may arise in a conversation and take time to process (which doesn’t mean “don’t do it,” just that he might say no before he says yes, or say no and want to reflect on it himself).

He may also have feelings about your mother disclosing this to you. Again, I don’t know anyone involved or the dynamics of the family, but sometimes there is an unspoken need among family members for a secret to come out in the open, and sometimes there is conflict around it. He may chuckle and say, “Oh, your mom …” or he may become angry about having his secret spilled.

It’s impossible for me (and you, it sounds like) to know how your father has or hasn’t made peace with this. I have learned not to underestimate the ability of the human mind to compartmentalize. We have to, in order to adapt and move forward. Where adaptation becomes repression or dissociation can be ambiguous, since every person, every relationship, and every situation is different.

Is it possible your mother wants your dad to discuss it while he is reluctant or outright disinterested? Are you then concerned about your mother’s distress? Is your mother enlisting you as a kind of stand-in for her own pursuit? The “drama” you allude to regarding your mom might be a way for her to attract attention while avoiding her own feelings or vulnerability.

If any of this is true, keep in mind the risk of wading into a longstanding struggle; sometimes adult children are the “power brokers” or go-betweens in such situations. This has its benefits and risks, naturally. I recommend considering the downside of stepping in, along with the potential benefits. It’s also true any decision you make will have potential ups and downs, and there is often no easy choice. I sense you care deeply about both of your folks—and at the end of the day, provided you move with empathy for all involved (as best you can), this is what matters most.

Should you decide you’d like to try discussing this with him, I would broach the topic gently and see if he wants to discuss it before specifics are introduced. You can come from a place of your own concern, even curiosity, about his experience, and ask if talking would help him—rather than coming at him with a pre-decided or firm intent to help (which can be received as critical, if a person hasn’t asked for it).

I often encourage people to ask, “How can I help?” before deciding for the other person what’s needed or how it ought to play out. (Not that you’re doing this.) I often ask people in therapy (or even loved ones) if they want suggestions before offering my own advice. It surprises me how, so much of the time, people just want to be heard, validated, understood … so they don’t feel so alone in their struggle.

Of course, you may hit a wall with him. He may resist and then come around, or he might surprise you by being open right at the start.

If you decide to broach the topic, the key is to be honest with him about your love and concern for him. It’s a bit of a tightrope, wanting to be transparently honest without falling into “you need to do this, dad” when the motivation may be your own anxiety. One thing to consider is whether some of the shame and darkness you imagine he’s feeling is, possibly, what you are feeling. It’s painful and difficult to think of a person you love being harmed in such a way.

In short, the “lead” as they say in journalism is your love and concern for him, your empathy, in compassionately considering him and his (conscious or unconscious) struggle, and your wanting to lighten the load. One of the most loving things you can do is to ask if or how you can help with all this—if you decide to talk to him. (If this is a real hot button between your folks, it’s also okay to recuse yourself.) Let him decide whether he wants to open this door wider or at all, or would rather leave sleeping traumas be.

I hope, whatever happens, he will be proud of a son who cares enough about his dad to take a risk.

Finally, please know there is no “perfect decision” in such cases. Often, in the messiness and muddle of human affairs, we simply do the best we can. Sounds to me like you’re a good son trying to do just that.

Thanks so much for writing!

Darren Haber, MA, MFT

Young family with children greet grandparents in doorway of houseIn today’s modern world, many of us don’t live near our families. In order to see our loved ones, we generally have to plan a visit. Due to finances, scheduling time off work, packing, making the trip, and any number of other bumps along the way, this is often a stressful process.

Then we arrive, worn out from the trip and eager for the happy reunion we anticipate, but our visit ends up dissolving into drama, miscommunication, and hurt feelings.

Is this a familiar pattern? If so, there may be unresolved issues tainting your relationship with your family. When repetitive conflict occurs, working toward a resolution can feel lopsided or darn near impossible, and the inability to resolve issues may cause frustration and further stress.

Limiting the Stress of Visits

How can you work towards improving the quality of family visits?  Let’s take a look at a few tips that may help you not merely survive a visit, but actually enrich relationships with family members and help make the time you spend together more fulfilling.

  1. Try to plan visits that are as free of stress as possible. As with most things in life, timing is everything. In other words, if the deadline of a project is looming and your mom wants to spend a week with you, this may not be the best idea. Free your calendar for a visit, and be realistic about the time you can afford to spare. Perhaps rather than having your mom visit for an entire week, you choose to plan an extended weekend visit.
  2. Speaking of time, know your limits. If you are dealing with a difficult parent or sibling, don’t set yourself up for a lengthy stay. It is possible to love a family member without necessarily liking them. The closest and most easygoing of families can get grumpy after four or five days under the same roof, but for some the snapping point may be a few hours. So plan accordingly. [fat_widget_right]
  3. Consider where you’ll be and what you’ll be doing. One possible strategy to reduce stress is to plan ahead of time. Look for activities everyone can participate in, and make a plan before you get together so everyone will be aware of the activities that can realistically be undertaken during the visit. This can help reduce both the burden of planning and the boredom of having nothing to do during a visit while also alleviating stress, anxiety, and short tempers.
  4. Be honest about your expectations and needs. If you don’t like the chaos of large family gatherings, plan one-on-one visits. Even if you simply get coffee or take a walk in the park together, visiting with just one family member at a time allows for more intimate dynamics. These types of visits are excellent for deepening relationships without a lot of outside interference, and they can be particularly ideal if you tend to experience difficulties with a family member. A one-on-one visit can allow you the opportunity to address and resolve issues without the added tension and input of others.
  5. Consider your finances. When planning a trip, be realistic about your budget and stay within it. If you are feeling strapped financially, the visit may be compromised and cause you further stress unless you are able to be frank about not going over budget. You might offer to help cook a meal at home instead of going out to eat. Consider going for a hike or taking a day trip to the beach instead of seeing a show, or stay in and play board games together.
  6. Plan for time-outs. If you and your partner are going to visit parents, be sure to take time alone, even if it’s just long enough to slip out to the store. You need time to regroup, to have quiet, to process, or to simply be alone. If you have the chance for a longer break, seek out places that will restore your sense of self. Find a yoga studio, wander through the neighborhood, or find a bookstore and read for an hour or two. You might also choose to create your own space by staying at a hotel, a friend’s house, or an Airbnb, rather than with your relatives. This may cause a few hurt feelings, but in the end it might make for a more optimal visit.
  7. Don’t be afraid to try new behaviors to implement positive change. Instead of falling back into unhelpful patterns, you might try establishing new ones. Rather than engaging in an argument, for example, try deflecting. Altering your reactions can be a powerful tool for defusing conflict. If your dad tends to make trite comments about your work, change the subject and tell him something interesting instead of becoming defensive. A one-time modification in behavior will not necessarily resolve old wounds, but it can empower you to continue changing the nature of the relationship. You might even get to the point where you can confront the offending family member and simply ask them to stop.

The next time you are planning to spend time with family, try implementing these suggestions and see if they help smooth out any rocky patches and lead to a more enjoyable visit.

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I’ll just say it: I hate my parents with every fiber of my being. I’m pretty sure they hate me, too. My dad beat me almost every day when I was little, and never had anything nice to say when I was growing up. He was always on drugs, burned me with his cigarettes, told me I was garbage. Which is exactly what I felt like. My mom stood by and let it happen. He hit her too. I watched it happen. She took it out on me. She wouldn’t even let me eat some nights. I wish I had reported them, but I never did. I was too afraid of what would happen to me.

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I am 27 now, and until last week I had not talked to either of my parents in years. Then, out of the blue, my mom calls me. I hung up right away. She’s called me twice since, leaving messages saying she hopes I’m happy. She said she thinks I should forgive them and doesn’t understand why I won’t talk to her. I’m like, “Really?”

I don’t know why she’s suddenly interested in my life, but I don’t care. I’m not one of those people who thinks just because you accidentally got pregnant and had a kid, your kid owes you something. I had terrible parents. I had the worst childhood you can imagine. I don’t want to be my parents’ son anymore. I don’t want anything to do with them. I don’t see that ever changing, either.

I know hate is an ugly word. Article after article says it’s “unhealthy” to hate and that it’s “healthy” to forgive. But I hate my parents. I can’t forgive them. And what’s worse is I hate that I hate my parents, which makes me hate myself. I don’t know what to do with that except what I’ve always done: nothing. —No Love Lost

Dear NLL,

I’m sorry to hear about what sounds like an awful childhood. In some ways, the blaming and emotional abuse you experienced may be even more impactful than the physical abuse; scars that remain invisible often take the longest to acknowledge and heal.

You mention reading about how it’s “healthy” forgive one’s parents, let go of the past, etc. Whenever I’ve talked with people about some of their overwhelmingly toxic parents (yours appear to fit in that category, I’m afraid), I’ve had cause to doubt this maxim profoundly. In some cases, we may be unable to forgive until there has been some parental or caregiver recognition of the abuse and suffering inflicted upon us. Furthermore, an ongoing lack of recognition of abuse or neglect indicates the toxicity persists. Setting a boundary, as you have, is reasonable and may in fact be the safest way forward.

Whatever your mother’s reasons for wanting to connect with you, she cannot reasonably expect to set the terms of any relationship with you. The terms are yours to define, and she needs to respect them, even if it means no contact.

Emotional experience is subtle and complex. It’s possible—through therapy and other avenues— to simultaneously heal wounds of the past and set boundaries with toxic others. It is vital to acknowledge your emotional authenticity and experience, however painful or awkward. Otherwise, your psychological agency is in danger of becoming fractured, dissociated, or radically undermined.

This brings to mind a person I worked with many years ago whose mother actively intervened (starting in elementary school) to ruin her son’s friendships with others because she felt no one was “good” or “pure” enough. The way she “protected” him was to gossip behind his back to teachers and his friends’ parents about what a untrustworthy and generally nasty kid he was, going so far as to whisper in the ear of the local pastor to keep an eye on her “wayward” son. This awful behavior had the desired effect: the friends he wanted were told by their parents to stay away from him, and he grew up with insecurity issues that led to drug addiction.

When he grew older and entered therapy, the son fiercely resented his mother’s behavior (while struggling with guilt over “hating” her) and refused to comply with her demands that he write and call her regularly. He came to recognize her chief aim was to isolate him—a classic abuse technique—so he might become a surrogate “friend” and stop trying to have his own life. Her alcohol-addicted husband worked long hours, and when home he remained locked in his den watching television, sipping booze. Unable to address her husband, she directed her rage at her son and essentially held him hostage with her manipulations and subterfuge.

A couple of years ago, I had the good fortune of studying with a longtime psychoanalyst and mentor. I asked about forgiveness of one’s parents as a “must.” You see, I had inadvertently caused some controversy in one of my doctoral seminars after reading an article by a psychoanalyst who felt that forgiving one’s parents was a sign of maturity; I disagreed, as I felt there could be no global rule about forgiveness as it pertains to one’s parents, and clashed with my fellow students and instructors.

My mentor waved off this “doctrine” in no uncertain terms. “Why do you have to forgive your parents?” he wondered aloud. “I’ve never been a fan of that idea. Especially if they were horrible to their kids. Am I going to tell a woman who experienced incest with her dad, with a mom who denied such things ever happened, ‘get over it’ or ‘move on’? Of course not. And anyway, do we really want requirements of the people we help? What do we do if they can’t or won’t forgive? Refuse to see them? Give them moral instruction? That’s repeating the very abuse they’re trying so hard to escape.”

All of this is a way of saying this: Do what feels safe and right to you. Keep your boundary. The fact you took the time to write means there’s some part of you that treasures your own preservation and well-being; trust your instincts! Also, the fact you have set a boundary and had such a human, understandable, and honest reaction to your mother’s recent contact tells me you’re probably the healthiest person in your family. The healthiest person is often the first to seek therapy, as it turns out.

I have discovered over time that the kind of harsh and unspeakably cruel treatment you received may impact a person in a way that can be hard to assess without empathic observation and support.

Speaking of which, I would encourage you to seek a counselor, preferably one who can address the psychodynamics of such pernicious abuse. The damage can be very subtle. I discovered over time that the kind of harsh and unspeakably cruel treatment you received may impact a person in a way that can be hard to assess without empathic observation and support.

You might say the vulnerable part of us, which we have to hide or “put away” in an abusive context, inevitably emerges as we try to fulfill our hopes and goals for an authentic life, especially in regard to relationships with others (sexual/romantic, friendships, even educationally or professionally). Sustaining hope means remaining vulnerable. Some people end up sabotaging their own hopes, or withdrawing from life, due to the savagery of past suffering. Finding a competent healer might be the most loving thing you could do for yourself.

Hating your parents is one thing. Hating yourself for hating them is quite another. You clearly don’t deserve that burden. A competent therapist can help you recognize and have compassion for the forces at work in your self-directed misgivings.

One final note: Are there are any other family members you can talk to who “get” your experience and can validate it? A cousin, aunt or uncle, even close family friend? The son I spoke of earlier had an aunt who was far more balanced than his own mother, and he and his aunt developed a fairly close rapport. The aunt validated his experience as real, which was an important aspect of his coming to terms with his experience and moving forward.

I hope this has been helpful. I further hope you are able to find the peace so unfairly denied to you by your parents.

Kind regards,

Darren Haber, MA, MFT

Middle-aged woman sits at kitchen table next to adult child, talking, while father stands in background with crossed armsIt is a common belief divorce will not be nearly as traumatic for adult children as it often is for young children. That is a myth. Although it may look and feel different, adult children are just as impacted by their parents divorcing as young children are.

When an adult relates that their parents are divorcing, others typically respond by assuming the adult child will not be impacted or the impact will be minimal. However, the sense of loss many adult children experience when their parents divorce can be all-consuming. Adult children of divorce experience not only the loss of their parents being together, but the additional loss of the family unit that has been in place for many years. This is not to minimize the reality young children are often deeply impacted by a sense of loss of the family as a unit. For the adult child, the difference is they have typically experienced many years, even decades, of the family system operating a certain way, and thus may feel that sense of loss at a deeper level.

Adult children don’t always know their parents are struggling in their marriage and can be shell-shocked to find out their parents are divorcing. It is often not as easy to adapt as an adult as it is as a child. Adult children can find themselves questioning their identity when the family unit is no longer functioning as it has been for many years.

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When a young child experiences their parents divorcing, the parents often try to protect the child from the trauma and the charged emotions divorce can be a catalyst for. Conversely, when adult children experience their parents divorcing, adult children can find themselves taking on a more active participant role. One such possible role is a confidant, as their parents confide in them and share information that would not typically be shared with a young child. Adult children of divorce often find themselves questioning the authenticity of the family as they knew it and the family unit they assumed was permanent.

Another difficult issue many adult children of divorce experience is when the family home, a foundation for the family for many years, is sold or lost. Adult children of divorce may also find themselves in a role reversal. If the divorcing parents are older and have not had to care for themselves independently, they may look to their adult children to help them transition out of the marriage.

Adult children of divorce may also find themselves in a role reversal. If the divorcing parents are older and have not had to care for themselves independently, they may look to their adult children to help them transition out of the marriage.

Some things divorcing parents of adult children should be aware of:

It can also be confusing and upsetting for grandchildren to experience their grandparents divorcing. They may become fearful their own parents will also divorce. Family traditions also come into play. How will the adult children and their families participate in holiday and birthday celebrations with divorced parents/grandparents? Will the parents of the adult children be able to attend functions together? Organizing the logistics can be a challenge all the way around.

Therapy for Adult Children of Divorce

There is a small group of therapists who focus on the impact of divorce on adult children in collaboration with attorneys. Therapists who do this are often referred to as divorce coaches. Although divorce coaching is also used with couples who have young children, the needs of adult children of divorce is an area being looked at more closely throughout the helping professions. Mental health professionals at large need to be aware of the needs of adult children of divorce and of the impact their parents’ divorce may have.

If you have experienced (or are experiencing) your parents’ divorce as an adult, support is available.

Reference:

Gordon Julien, J. (2016, April 21). Never Too Old to Hurt from Parents’ Divorce. Retrieved from https://www.nytimes.com/2016/04/24/fashion/weddings/never-too-old-to-hurt-from-parents-divorce.html

Black and white photo of adult with long hair putting arm around young teen with ponytail outside on benchEnmeshment, a family dynamic that can be described as blurred boundaries between members, can make it difficult or impossible for a child to develop an individual sense of self because they are overly concerned about others. Family therapist Salvadore Minuchin brought this concept to light in the 1970s, and the topic has become common in psychological discussion of late. But what exactly constitutes enmeshment? How does it develop? And how can it be addressed?

Recognizing Enmeshment

Typically the roots of enmeshment can be traced back to parents who over-identify with a child, a dynamic often passed down through generations. Within this dynamic, boundaries are blurred—and may even be viewed as undesirable—and the parent may regard the child as an extension of the parent, rather than their own person, and treat them accordingly.

As a result, children of enmeshed family systems often develop emotional ties that elicit confusion, and they may fail to develop autonomy. An underdeveloped sense of autonomy may make it difficult for the child to act on desires that differ from the parent’s or lead a child to feel guilty when attempting to act on their own feelings. The enmeshed parent may also take it personally when a child attempts to demonstrate autonomy or independence, which can have a harmful impact on the child and the family dynamic overall. [fat_widget_right]

Enmeshment between a parent and child makes it difficult for the emotions of the child to be separated from the emotions of the parent. It can be said, then, that a child may take on emotional pain the parent carries from enmeshment in their own family of origin. This is not uncommon and is often done unconsciously—a child does not realize they are taking on the parent’s emotional pain or that it is not theirs to carry.

Another way of looking at it is to think in terms of “absorbing” the emotional pain of the parent. A parent who is projecting emotional pain is likely not consciously aware they are doing it but simply repeating the cycle that played out in their childhood.

Avoiding Enmeshment

To avoid becoming enmeshed with their children, parents must have their own sense of purpose in life, their own hobbies and passions separate from their children. A parent’s self-worth cannot rely a child’s behavior or accomplishments.

To avoid becoming enmeshed with their children, parents must have their own sense of purpose in life, their own hobbies and passions separate from their children. A parent’s self-worth cannot rely a child’s behavior or accomplishments. When one’s self-worth is defined by the actions or choices of one’s child, the pressure on the child to perform, to fulfill expectations, becomes heavy and burdensome. A parent’s self-worth is not the child’s responsibility, and children who take on this charge, consciously or unconsciously, often fail to develop self-esteem and/or a sense of personal identity.

Children generally rely on their parents for support. But before a child can expect to receive this support, they generally need to know the parent is emotionally strong and that the parent will support the child as they are, not only as who the parent wants them to be. When a child is secure in this knowledge, they will typically feel free to be themselves and to follow their own passions without feeling responsible for a parent’s emotional pain or disappointment.

In families affected by enmeshment, children may avoid seeking help when they experience difficulty or dilemma in life, fearing that the parent will impose their own agenda rather than offer guidance and support. When parents model good self-care habits, appropriate boundaries, and regulated emotions, on the other hand, children are more likely to desire to spend time with them, as opposed to when a child simply feels obligated to take care of their parent or manage their parent’s emotions. (Experiencing difficulty with dysregulated emotions? A therapist can help.)

Addressing Enmeshment

What can parents do to address enmeshment? Seek the help of a qualified family therapist or counselor if you recognize any of the following signs in your parent-child dynamic:

What can an older child or adult child do to remedy the impact of an enmeshed relationship with a parent?

Children in enmeshed families may view the parent-child relationship as an obligation or burden and, when they reach adulthood, seek out relationships that perpetuate this dynamic. Parents who take responsibility for their own self-worth and emotional pain, however, are likely to have healthier relationships with their children, where the children make the choice to be involved in their parents’ lives and are able to establish their own healthy, independent relationships.

Reference: 

  1. Heru, A. M. (2015). Families in psychiatry: Unpacking enmeshment issues. Clinical Psychiatry News, 43(5). Retrieved from https://www.questia.com/magazine/1G1-417736319/families-in-psychiatry-unpacking-enmeshment-issues
  2. Lewis, C. (2013, July 8). The enmeshed family: What it is and how to “unmesh.” Retrieved from http://www.mariadroste.org/2013/07/the-enmeshed-family-what-it-is-and-how-to-unmesh

Person in gray skirt suit stands under spotlight, head bowed, in red-toned roomIn biblical lore, Aaron selected a goat on behalf of the entire tribe, cast upon it the sins of all members, and then banished it alone to the wild. The members of the tribe were then at great ease, having been freed from their cast-off sins—whatever those sins may have been.

Everyone felt better, though they had neither identified their specific sins nor atoned for them. They had simply agreed to hang them on the goat. If this spurious logic was obvious to anyone, it was not discussed. Why question an agreed-upon means of making everyone feel better?

Now about that goat. It was selected from the herd and sent forth into the wilderness for reasons having to do with the sins of others. The goat had done nothing to merit banishment. But once the ashes were cold on the rituals of dispatching it, the goat found itself alone in the wilderness, isolated from its herd, in unknown territory, suddenly forced to fend for itself. It faced dangers from predators; difficulty finding food, sustenance, and shelter; and it lived the constantly woeful insecurity of a herd animal without a herd.

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This is the story of the scapegoat.

In dysfunctional families, for reasons similar to those Aaron devised, there can also be a designated person selected for the role of scapegoat. In a family system, the selection process is less overt than Aaron’s. It is done more by consensual and habitual shunning that becomes an unspoken code of behavior: one person is chosen to bear the brunt of any psychological discomfort experienced by the family as a whole. It is justified by repeating the stories that create and then reinforce the image of the scapegoat as being a person who is worthy of disdain and disparagement.

Like the strong goat Aaron selected, the target of family scapegoating is also often the strongest and healthiest member of the family. At first blush, this may sound counterintuitive. But think about it a little more. In Aaron’s case, there would be no group pleasure derived from banishing a weak animal who might easily die anyway, because that would not gratify the needs of the tribe to send off their sins on a robust vehicle, a strong goat who was up to the task of bearing the burden. So it is in families: the targeted individual is often the most accomplished. She—and for the purposes of narrative cohesion, our scapegoat is a female here—must be strong enough to withstand the weight of the shunning voices which might easily and quickly topple a weaker person. The scapegoating would fail if the weight of the sins killed the goat before it could even get chased out of town. Catharsis is the goal. The goat needs to be strong enough to suffer in order that the tribe members do not.

Just as the goat was blameless despite being sent to its lonely death, so is the human scapegoat innocent of all charges. She may not be a perfect human being, but she is no different from anyone else in her range of faults. It is not her character or her actions that have directly caused her banishment. It is the way her character and her actions, and often her accomplishments, have been experienced by the dysfunctional family members, who for their own unexamined reasons need to dispel this person from the family realm in order to avoid looking into their own consciences. They need to punish the scapegoat for provoking by her very existence the discomfort family members are feeling that is actually a result of their own unresolved issues.

If you are being scapegoated in your family, please seek professional help. You are not likely to be able to intervene in a dysfunctional system that treats one of its own members in this way. You may continue to experience the futile attempts at explaining yourself. You may fail to understand the way you are being treated. You may begin to doubt your own version of your life story. The price is too high.

Can a human scapegoat die like the goat of yore? Maybe. If not physically, certainly emotionally. It is difficult for the scapegoat to believe that her family would treat her in this unconscionable manner if she were not guilty of some grave sin. She wracks her brain and her heart to understand, but she cannot. The reasons she is given for being mistreated seem shallow, petty, and incomplete. It is difficult for her to believe these small transgressions could warrant such heavy condemnation.

She begins to doubt her own version of reality, since consensus in her own family supports a narrative different from her own about who she is and what she does or has done. She learns that if she tries to sort this out, she will be accused of “playing the victim” or being selfish, or being a “drama queen.” She is able to hold to her knowledge that this assessment and treatment are not right, until one day, utterly discouraged, she gives up. The full weight of the banishment settles upon her. She is alone. She doesn’t try to understand or explain anything anymore. She has moved into accepting a fate that makes no sense to her.

Good mental health at this point suggests she make her peace with leaving behind the family that fails her so completely. And if she is strong and well-supported with friends, she may be able to do this. She will pay a lifelong price for sins she did not commit, however, because it is difficult and painful to extract oneself from one’s family. It is counter to the most basic of human needs for home, shelter, affiliation. It is a cruel and inexcusable undertaking for a family to scapegoat a member.

If you look at the research regarding the fate of individuals who have been relentlessly bullied, you can draw conclusions about what happens to scapegoated family members, for scapegoating is bullying with focused and long-term intensity. Some bullied children go on to become bullies themselves. Some develop social skills to divert and challenge bullying, though the scars of having been bullied may insert themselves into their lives in many ways for many years to come. Others, however, do not survive, driven to suicide.

If you are being scapegoated in your family, please seek professional help. You are not likely to be able to intervene in a dysfunctional system that treats one of its own members in this way. You may continue to experience the futile attempts at explaining yourself. You may fail to understand the way you are being treated. You may begin to doubt your own version of your life story. The price is too high. Please find a counselor who can help you unravel the fictions that subvert the truth about your life and about who you are. Good counseling support can help free you from the binding ties of pain, guilt, and shame that you did not create and which are not justified.

You were not born to bear the sins of others any more than Aaron’s goat was born for such a fate.

Important Notice

GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.