One of the principal aspects of mindfulness is acceptance of one’s experience in the present moment. This practice has numerous mental health benefits—but as you may have realized, it is easier said than done. When our experience is pleasant, it is easy for us to accept it; if our experience is unpleasant, we naturally want to reject it.

Why would we want to stay with unpleasant feelings? Humans naturally try to repress, distract from, project, or employ other defense mechanisms in order to not feel what is unpleasant. This obviously has degrees, and the more painful an experience is, the harder our systems work to get it out of our consciousness. So here we are, told that we need to “be with our experience,” yet our natural tendency is to run away from it. What to do?

The good news is that as we develop our capacity to be with our experience, it becomes easier. It’s much like going to the gym: initially it is very hard and we resist it, but the more we train, the easier it gets and the more we actually want to do it. When we begin to sense and feel the benefits of being with ourselves, we naturally begin to do it without as much effort.

Here are some ways to make the process easier:

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1. Start Exactly Where You Are

This is probably the most important aspect of being able to be with our experience. As much as we might like to, we simply cannot bypass our experience and be in an idealized place we think we should be. To work with any internal state, we have to be exactly where we are.

For example, we may be feeling a difficult emotion such as disgust, but then may also have a strong reaction to the disgust. We have to work with the reaction before we can really focus on the disgust. If we try to bypass the reaction by saying something like, “I need to accept my disgust,” then we are missing our reactivity. And that is the first layer we need to be with.

2. Allow Rather Than Accept

Similar to the previous point, we cannot force our acceptance of something; we can only have a disposition or attitude toward it. If we are feeling something difficult and telling ourselves, “I need to accept it,” we likely won’t be able to do it.

In a way, acceptance happens on its own and in its own time. The best we can do is try our best to allow: we allow the fact we don’t want to accept whatever feelings we have. We may say something like, “I don’t like this feeling of sadness and I’ll try to be with it, even if I don’t want to feel it.” At the same time, we also allow the fact we don’t like the sadness.

3. Be Curious

Becoming curious about our experience is a key element in navigating our internal world. The more we develop the capacity to observe without judgment, the more we will be able to discover about ourselves.

Becoming curious about our experience is a key element in navigating our internal world. The more we develop the capacity to observe without judgment, the more we will be able to discover about ourselves.

One way to develop curiosity is to adopt the attitude of a biologist doing naturalistic observations. A biologist wanting to understand the behaviors of lions in Africa, for instance, has the goal of simply observing the animals in their natural environment without interfering. They would not say, “Oh, this lion should not be eating that gazelle.” Rather, they would patiently observe and record what they notice. If they intervened and tried to distract the lion in order to save the gazelle, they would not be able to see exactly how the lion behaves naturally.

We can take that same attitude toward our inner landscape. We can notice our emotions, body sensations, and thoughts and not interfere with them. We simply notice what we see and try our best to suspend judgment of what should be happening. With time and patience, we begin to see connections and patterns that reveal a deeper understanding of ourselves.

4. Ask Questions of Your Internal Experience

Sometimes I will feel deep sadness inside and my tendency is to try to make myself feel different. But sometimes, I’ll directly ask my sadness what it needs. “How can I be with you in the most supportive way?” “What do you need?”

As much I don’t want to feel my experience at times, it is there for a reason—and the more open to understanding it that I am, the greater its chances of truly transforming. If I let my inner experience have a life of its own and honor its needs, it will likely reveal its cause and purpose.

5. Find Balance Between Challenge and Support

There may be times when your inner experience feels unbearable, and observing it directly may be very difficult. At such times, it may not be wise to try to stay with it; finding a source of comfort and support may be the better thing to do. This is true particularly if you have trauma in your history. In these cases, staying with difficult material may be counterproductive.

6. Respond with Flexibility

We are complex beings, and there is no one formula to dealing with our inner experience. Each time we meet ourselves, something different may be required.

An important skill we must develop is flexibility of response. At any given moment, any of these tips may be counterproductive, and at another time they may be exactly what we need. With practice, we become more flexible and attuned to what is most supportive at any given moment.

7. Remember That You Are Only Human

As committed as we may be to our inner transformation, we will generally fall short of our expectations. The truth is, the faster we are able to forgive ourselves—to be kind to the parts of us that feel shameful and that we can barely tolerate—the more chances for peace we have.

In addition, being able to let go of the self-improvement project is crucial. The very fact of wanting to improve ourselves implies a rejection of our present-moment experience or circumstances. As much as you are able, try to let go of any ideas of “making yourself better” and focus instead on accepting (or allowing) your experience be exactly what it is.

8. Recognize That Help Is Needed

We can’t do this alone; I don’t know anyone who can or has. In my own work, I have a tremendous capacity to fool myself and stay stuck in repetitive patterns for long periods. If it were not for the help and wisdom of others who have helped me in my process, I probably would not be where I am today.

The sooner we begin to allow others to guide and help us, rather than trying to figure it out on our own, the sooner our inner journey becomes so much easier. If you need help, please seek the support of a qualified therapist.

The key to having freedom and joy in our lives stems directly from managing our emotions rationally and effectively. Practicing emotional intelligence keeps us intimately connected with our thoughts and their emotional correlates.

However, sometimes certain habits or life occurrences block us from thriving. Understanding these roadblocks can move us one step closer to healing.

It can be argued that we choose our emotions based on what we think. This notion can be a bit of a misnomer. If we can’t point to the thought or belief with awareness—meaning be conscious of it—can we really say we’ve chosen the emotion in question? I think it’s fair to say no. Psychology has long explored human behavior through the stimulus response theory. Basically, it states that we respond to things (or behave) according to the stimuli presented to us. The challenge with this theory is how to incorporate our personal make-up, decision making, and level of personal awareness into this model and show how they all interact with a stimulus to produce a response.

Practicing emotional intelligence requires patience, determination, and strength. All of these qualities are required when learning to “sit with” our emotions. To fully feel emotions that have long been ignored or resisted can prove quite painful. When we don’t have a loving relationship toward our emotions, we can turn them into bad guys or bogeymen we avoid. Ignoring our emotions in this fashion prevents us from fully recognizing what sorts of beliefs and views we hold. This pattern can develop further into chronic, overreactive emotional responses that may not make sense based on the stimuli present.

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A concept that explains this situation is called emotional hijacking. Emotional hijacking occurs when a stimulus activates the “emotional brain” and causes a person to react before that information reaches the neo-cortex. If the information doesn’t reach or get processed by the neo-cortex, reasoning around/with the stimulus in question doesn’t take place. This is important to recognize, as it describes why so many of us feel blindsided and overcome by our emotions. It also explains why so many of us perceive, long after the fact, that an emotion was “irrational.”

While we “choose” our emotions in the sense that what we think leads to what we feel, it’s important to recognize that emotional hijacking is a real phenomenon.

Trauma fits nicely into the concept of emotional hijacking. People who have experienced trauma can find themselves emotionally hijacked on a regular basis. The moment of the traumatic event, the person may have feared for his or her life or safety. Furthermore, he or she may have been unable to get out of the situation and unable to discharge the intense emotional charge of fear and helplessness generated in the moment. This charge gets stuck in the body. Left unprocessed, it can lead to depression, anxiety, and of course emotional hijacking.

Another core aspect of trauma is the formation of mental walls blocking connection with the original hurt. Consciously or unconsciously, a traumatized person learns to avoid anything that may trigger further emotional distress. You can see here that awareness of one’s thoughts isn’t sufficient for healing. One must also learn to re-experience those pent-up emotions in a safe and healthy manner.

While we “choose” our emotions in the sense that what we think leads to what we feel, it’s important to recognize that emotional hijacking is a real phenomenon. When we actively avoid connecting with old hurts and traumas, we set ourselves up for more pain in the future. This two-step process of connecting with our emotions on a bodily level and with the thoughts to which they are connected increases our chances for healing. Learning to acknowledge and eventually accept these emotions helps us live fuller lives.

Just as the body works to maintain homeostasis on a physical, cellular level, I believe the mind strives to create balance emotionally. Both happen unconsciously, though you can accelerate the processes with various interventions. Just as physical wounds heal more quickly with antibiotic cream and a bandage, psychological injuries heal faster with rational self-talk, breathwork, journaling, therapy, good food, yoga nidra, plenty of sleep, and other supportive strategies.

How the Conscious and Unconscious Affect Emotional Balance

It’s hard to imagine that emotional homeostatic work can be accomplished unconsciously, but how else can sayings such as “Time heals all wounds” be explained? How does the simple passage of time assuage psychic pain? You may not notice incremental improvement, but suddenly, one day, you feel differently about something that previously disturbed you. That’s your unconscious mind processing change over time. Certain practices can support this growth and transformation.

[fat_widget_right]When you choose to pay attention to your thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations, you will often speed up the emotional healing process. It does not have to be solely relegated to your unconscious mind. Practices like yoga, meditation, journaling, psychotherapy, yoga nidra, dreamwork, and breathwork can all help soothe the nervous system and make conscious what has been unconscious so it can be safely felt, dealt with, and transcended.

All these interventions may seem challenging or annoying at first because they are unfamiliar, require learning new skills, or bring up unpleasant memories or feelings from the past. With practice, the initial break-in period will pass quickly, and you will begin experiencing a feeling of mastery. These intervention can also serve as healthy tools for future times when you feel anxious, angry, sad, or overwhelmed.

Practices to Move You toward Emotional Homeostasis

Take a close look at your inner landscape. Where are the boulders blocking your path? Are they out in plain sight, or are your obstacles more like potholes, only noticeable when you’re right on top of them?

Some great ways to analyze your internal topography include:

• Journaling: Journaling can work show remarkably well for helping people feel more in touch with their emotional well-being and better able to navigate life’s slings and arrows.
• Daily check-ins: When you notice an uneasy feeling—a headache, stomach issue, weariness, muscle tension, or other physical pain—try breathing into that space and ask yourself what it is trying to tell you. Acknowledge it, monitor it, and then relax.
• Five minutes of breath meditation: The simplest (but not easiest) exercise to work toward emotional balance is watching your breathing. Notice the length of your inhalation and exhalation, its temperature, where you first feel it entering your body, and how it moves through your lungs.
• Virtual alternate breathing with counting: I am partial to this activity. It is wonderfully relaxing and focuses the mind while relieving it of most distractions. This calming breath work engages the parasympathetic nervous system, improves rest and digestion, and increases vagal tone. Here is how it’s done:

1. Take a deep, slow breath through both nostrils and exhale.
2. Take a close look at your inner landscape. Where are the boulders blocking your path? Are they out in plain sight, or are your obstacles more like potholes, only noticeable when you’re right on top of them?Now, without touching your nose, focus on inhaling through the left nostril and count ONE.
3. Exhale though the right and count ONE.
4. Inhale through the right. Count TWO.
5. Exhale through the left. Count TWO.
6. Inhale through the left. Count THREE.
7. Exhale through the right. Count THREE.
8. Inhale through the right. Count FOUR.
9. Exhale through the left. Count FOUR.
10. Inhale through both nostrils. Count FIVE.
11. Exhale through both nostrils. Count FIVE.
12. Inhale through the left. Count SIX.
13. Exhale through the right. Count SIX.

Continue in this manner and inhale and exhale through both nostrils on every multiple of five. If you lose count, go back to the beginning and start with one. If you would like a beautiful explanation and walkthrough of this technique, check out Swami Janakananda’s CD, Experience Yoga Nidra.

Like all good habits, the benefits from these practices accrue over time. In addition, doing yoga nidra, an ancient passive guided meditation, can strengthen your emotional resilience and nervous system, allowing for more easy switching from fight-flight-freeze mode to rest and digest.

Some other excellent yoga nidra sources I recommend:

• Amy Weintraub’s 40-minute yoga nidra
• Richard Miller’s book Yoga Nidra: The Meditative Heart of Yoga

As human beings, we have all had to deal with our share of suffering. The causes of our suffering may change, but the experience remains the same. For some, their struggle may be with depression, anxiety, or having experienced abuse or trauma, whereas others may have to deal with a serious illness, chronic pain, an addiction, or the death of a loved one. In all cases, we may ask ourselves why we have been given this cross to bear and whether the pain will ever go away.

In most cases, we tend to make our suffering worse by our ongoing negative thoughts and ruminations about the situation. We create worst-case scenarios in our minds or believe that our agony will never subside. In so doing, we perpetuate and amplify our suffering, remaining attached to our pain rather than looking for the life lessons or gifts that may be present within the experience.

What are some ways we can choose to heal from our afflictions and discover the gifts they may have to offer? The following are a few methods to adopt in order to begin to examine our suffering from a different perspective:

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1. Develop a Different Relationship with Your Emotions

Most people shy away from uncomfortable feelings, preferring to deny or repress them rather than exploring their purpose. If you become more curious about what you are feeling, you can begin to relate to your emotions in a different way and discover what they may be trying to communicate to you.

Although suffering is an integral part of the human condition, we can learn to look for the gifts and life lessons that are present within the experience rather than remaining engulfed in our pain.

For example, we tend to become anxious when we try to conform to others’ expectations rather than remaining true to ourselves. Making an effort to become more authentic can help to alleviate the anxiety in this case.

When we are feeling depressed, on the other hand, our emotions may be asking us to make more time to really listen to what is going on inside of ourselves. These feelings present us with an opportunity to turn inward, examine our lives, and determine any areas where we may have gotten off track and need to make changes.

For individuals who are struggling with the residual effects of trauma, their emotions may be an indicator that they need some help coming to terms with their painful experience. In this case, reaching out to a therapist or support group may be what is most called for to help in the healing process.

The gifts that are available in all of these cases would be in discovering new ways to listen in to what our emotions are trying to tell us and to develop a healthier relationship with them.

2. Forgive and Let Go

Often, we remain attached to our suffering because of our inability to forgive others and/or ourselves. Our inner anger and resentment can lead us to try to punish others in various ways, but we end up punishing and hurting ourselves more than we can ever hurt anyone else. We may rail against the unfairness of the situation, the universe, or even God. In doing so, however, we tend to remain in the role of victim rather than taking responsibility for our lives and attempting to gain understanding. We can never be truly happy as long as we are holding on to grudges against others.

The gift that can be found in this situation is in learning to forgive others and ourselves for any wrongdoings and bringing more understanding and compassion to the situation.

3. Learn to Surrender Control

We tend to want to maintain a sense of control over our lives and can feel helpless, anxious, or heartbroken when something unexpected occurs that disrupts our sense of comfort or peace. Learning to become more accepting of the fact we ultimately are not in control of our lives, and surrendering to the experience of the moment, can help us to find more serenity, despite the struggles or pain we may be going through.

When someone close to us dies, for example, we can grieve the loss and the hole that is left in our lives, but also be thankful for the gift of the time we were granted with the person and the joy that he or she brought to our lives. Meditation and mindfulness are both helpful tools to learn to accept the things we cannot change and to remain grounded in the present moment rather than ruminating on the past or fantasizing about the future.

Although suffering is an integral part of the human condition, we can learn to look for the gifts and life lessons that are present within the experience rather than remaining engulfed in our pain. For individuals dealing with severe emotional or traumatic issues, the help of a professional may be required in order to help them on their healing journey.

Often, we find that the most painful experiences of our lives are those which teach us the most. Living our lives from this perspective can help us to remain more open and present on our ongoing journey of inner growth and discovery.

Emotions connect us to each other. They are the barometers that we use throughout the day to determine our well-being and degree of happiness. When we feel sad or lonely, these feelings can lead us to seek out comfort and companionship from friends or family. When angry or hurt, these emotions can indicate that we need to try to change our circumstances in order to feel better. For some people, however, their emotional life tends to resemble more of a roller coaster than a barometer, with ups and downs that leave them feeling wiped out and drained. These feelings may cause them to act impulsively, without stopping to consider the consequences. They become so caught up in the waves of their emotions that they may do and say things they later regret. If you struggle at times with your emotional well-being and would like to learn to get your feelings under control, the following are some considerations and skills that may help:

1. Think before you act.

When we feel carried away by the strength of our emotions, we can sometimes throw caution to the wind and act in rash and irresponsible ways, especially if we are feeling angry or hurt. Taking a few deep breaths to calm down before responding to someone who has upset us can give us a chance to catch our breath and think through the situation.

2. Consider the bigger picture.

When we get caught up in our day-to-day dramas, we often forget that which is most meaningful to us. When we feel upset, trying to look at the situation from a different perspective can offer us an opportunity to gain insight, into either the other person’s point of view or the wider panorama of our lives. Is winning another argument more important in the long run than trying to maintain loving relationships with our partners?

3. Change your circumstances whenever possible.

If you are truly unhappy in your relationship or your job, consider the fact your emotions may be trying to give you a wake-up call. Tune into your heart and follow your inner calling. If your relationship has been having more downs than ups recently, couples counseling may be a good option to help you get back on track. If you feel as though your job has been causing you more heartache than fulfillment, looking for another one or seeking training in another field might be the best course of action.

4. Practice radical acceptance.

Regardless of how well we care for ourselves, there will always be situations that arise that are upsetting for us. Accepting those challenges as an integral part of life can assist us in creating a greater sense of peace.

5. Take up journaling.

If you experience a lot of emotional ups and downs throughout the day, journaling can be a helpful exercise. Writing down the struggles that you have been facing can help to get them off your chest and give you more peace of mind.

6. Learn to forgive.

Holding grudges and resentment toward another can be extremely toxic for our mental and physical health and well-being. By releasing our inner anger and bitterness, we can open ourselves up to greater compassion and love toward others, as well as toward ourselves.

7. Sit with your emotions.

When you experience a lot of emotional turmoil, try to spend a few moments sitting down and tuning into your feelings. Let go of your thoughts surrounding the emotions and focus on the actual sensations arising in your body. For example, if you are feeling angry, where are you feeling the anger? Does it manifest as a tight ball in your stomach or as tension or clenching in your jaw? Wherever you feel your body contracting around the sensation, spend a few moments just breathing into that feeling.

8. Practice mindfulness.

Our emotions can feel like a roller coaster ride when we allow our thoughts and fantasies to get the better of us. When we think negative thoughts, these affect our emotions in powerful and negative ways. Rather than imagining the worst-case scenario or replaying over and over again an unpleasant memory, practice being mindful of what is happening in the moment and letting go of any thoughts of the past or future.

9. Share your feelings with others.

Rather than stuffing your emotions inside, express them to others whenever you can. If you are feeling upset about an incident that occurred with a loved one, allow yourself some time to cool down and consider the situation more rationally. Then try to share your emotions to get them off your chest and reach a better understanding.

Reach out to one of our therapists in Dallas, TX or find a therapist closer to you. 

Learning to deal with our emotions in a healthy way, rather than letting them run our lives, can make a tremendous difference in our ability to maintain a sense of stability and inner peace. If you are still struggling with managing your emotional well-being after trying some or all of these skills, you may want to consider meeting with a compassionate therapist who can lead you on the road to a healthier and happier state of mind.

Life is a far more predictably bumpy ride than anything you are likely to encounter in your daily commute, so why not fasten your emotional safety belt to keep you feeling a bit more protected?

Start by assessing your level of psychological safety right now. Just sit back, close your eyes, and ask yourself: “On a scale of one to 10, with 10 being the most safe, where would I place myself in this moment?”

Next, get more specific. Grab a piece of paper and write down your thoughts on:

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• What makes me feel safe in my body?
• What makes me feel safe in my relationships?
• What makes me feel safe financially?
• What keeps me rooted, balanced, and secure?
• What anchors me spiritually?
• How do I create emotional safety in the face of internal or external disturbances?
• What can I do to make my home feel like a sanctuary?
• How can I enhance my sense of safety in all areas of my life?
• When do I notice myself feeling unsafe?

Once you have taken the time to look at what helps or hampers your sense of safety, you can willfully choose to seek or avoid those things that make you feel safe or unsafe.

Luckily, there are many ways to increase your sense of safety. Some will seem fairly easy and straightforward, while others might be quite challenging. Some can benefit from tangible modifications, others are more elusive and slippery. Some you can implement on your own, and others, especially those involving long-held patterns, might be easier to eclipse with a therapist.

Before you delve into all the psychological and situational triggers that might be conspiring to leave you feeling emotionally wobbly, try the following exercise:

Starting at either the crown of your head and working down, or the soles of your feet and working up, start noticing whatever physical feelings you can. It might be tension, tingling, heat, cold, numbness, tightness, clamminess, itchiness, pressure, pain, emptiness, burning, humming, motion, twitchiness, or even a scent, color, or shape.

Once you describe it, just sit with it. Allow yourself to have that experience without judging, criticizing, or trying to push it away. This enables you to bypass the story behind what you might be feeling and let yourself mindfully attend to this moment. Usually, a sense of balance, calm, or safety will come over you.

If there are certain people in whose company you feel unsafe, consider steering clear of them. Remember, it pays to pay attention to your intuition. If seeing someone fills you with dread, it may be best to avoid that person until you feel differently. While therapy can help, there are situations that time itself will heal, and others that will never feel good.

Since there is not one right or wrong way to live, only the right way for you in any given moment, it is crucial to give yourself permission to act on what feels right for you today. If that brings up guilt, anger, depression, anxiety, or grief, sit with your feelings. Allow yourself to feel them in your body and to examine what you are telling yourself, especially the repetitive thoughts. If you feel overwhelmed, please contact a therapist.

Practicing sitting with discomfort is one thing, but having trouble coping is another. On the other hand, just because a feeling is unpleasant doesn’t mean it’s unworkable. Learning to find safety in yourself, even when waves of intense feelings wash over you, is a skill you can hone every time something difficult arises.

One way to skillfully navigate unpleasant emotions that make you feel unsafe is to remind yourself how transitory everything is. Most people find that hard to embrace, as it implies all the great, wonderful, ecstatic feelings you love so much wane along with the undesirable ones, but it’s really a small price to pay for a greater sense of equanimity.

Try some of these ideas and let me know how they work for you.

Note: If you are in a situation where you feel physically or psychologically abused, please get help. There are many free resources and shelters available.

Known as the body’s natural “feel-good” chemicals, endorphins stimulate feelings of pleasure, well-being, and pain relief, making them an essential component in a balanced, happy life. Endorphins are neurotransmitters secreted in response to stress and pain, which we all feel from time to time.

Thankfully, there are a variety of ways to tap into the mood-boosting, stress-relieving benefits of endorphins and get their full, opiate-like effect flowing. Though endorphins are commonly associated with the “runner’s high” achieved through vigorous exercise, the positive mood shifts associated with them don’t necessarily require strenuous physical activity.

The following are seven endorphin-boosting activities to turn to in times of trouble, or when you just need a little lift.

1. Exercise

By moving your body and increasing your heart rate with cardiovascular exercise, you can stimulate the production of endorphins in the bloodstream. As soon as the heart starts pumping and sweat glands start perspiring, the rush of feel-good chemicals kicks in to reduce the brain’s perception of pain. However, you may have to push through that initial stage of discomfort to fully experience the endorphin-induced exercise high.

As an added bonus, if you’re trying to kick a harmful habit, exercise is considered a highly effective coping mechanism in most forms of addiction recovery; the natural endorphin high offers respite from incessant cravings for drugs, alcohol, or junk food.

So take an exercise class, go for a run or a bike ride, or do some calisthenics (lunges, squats, leg lifts, etc.) in your spare time. Cleaning, gardening, yard work, or something as simple as a brisk walk or a midday session of yoga or deep breathing and stretching will also kick endorphins into gear.

2. Eat chocolate and chili peppers

Chocolate is celebrated cross-culturally as a pleasurable indulgence, and endorphin release is just one of many reasons to enjoy its blissful effects on the body. The mood-boosting and inflammation-reducing benefits of chocolate consumption are well established and widely used to justify indulging in it regularly (Stoppler, 2007).

If you can stand the heat, chili peppers are another edible endorphin releaser. According to researchers, chili peppers contain a chemical called capsaicin that triggers the pain-relieving, feel-good effect in response to this fiery food’s heat—the hotter the pepper, the better (Carollo, 2012).

And, of course, there’s always the dark chocolate-chili pepper combination. From rich hot chocolate drinks to chocolate bars that blend the two, a number of options are available if you’d like to sample this combo for a double dose of endorphin release.

3. Drink wine

While this is only applicable to individuals who are of age to consume alcohol legally, several studies can confirm: wine can enhance those feel-good chemicals.

According to research published in the Journal of Neuroscience, enjoying a small amount of alcohol, especially wine, at the end of the day can boost endorphins (Ireland, 2014). Both red and white wine contain antioxidants, and red wine contains resveratrol, which has been shown to reduce inflammation, slow the aging process, and protect against arterial damage (Hendrick, 2010; Mayo Clinic, 2011).

Another study published in Science Translational Medicine examined the effects of alcohol-induced endorphins on the brains of social drinkers and “problem drinkers.” They concluded that endorphins play an enormous role in the desire to keep drinking once the initial rush of feel-good chemicals have been released. This is true for social and problem drinkers, though those who are prone to addiction will be more likely to drink to excess (Simon, 2012).

So be mindful and drink in moderation when indulging in this pastime. One to two glasses should suffice to get you basking in the mood-enhancing, ethanol-endorphin glow.

4. Have sex

Engaging in regular sexual activity feels good, relieves stress, and releases endorphins. In fact, endorphins are largely responsible for the anxiety– and pain-reducing effects of sex (Newsmax Health, 2013).

The endorphins produced during sexual arousal and shared affection also stimulate the production of oxytocin, aptly referred to as the “love hormone,” as well as other neurochemicals like dopamine (Stoppler, 2007). The combination of these chemicals creates a blissed-out, deeply satisfying sensation throughout the body during and after sexual contact.

(This tip is for consenting adults who are practicing safe sex.)

5. Get a massage

Touch-oriented modes of healing and pain management such as acupuncture, massage, chiropractic adjustments, and hydrotherapy are known to stimulate endorphin release (O’Sullivan). This is part of what makes these treatments so popular—they leave you feeling relaxed, relieved, and revived.  Plus, you don’t have to do anything but sit or lie down and let the good feelings flow.

6. Meditate

Simply relaxing and focusing the mind on meditation triggers the release of endorphins and also helps increase dopamine, serotonin, and melatonin. This cocktail of chemicals flooding the bloodstream leaves the meditator feeling calm, happy, and content. One study found the effects of running and meditation on mood to be very similar—both activities produce endorphins and lead to positive feelings (Harte, Eifert, and Smith, 1995).

For someone new to meditation, the following tips may help you ease into its pleasing effects.

• Find a quiet spot free from distraction. Ideally, this will be a place where you can sit or lie down comfortably.
• Consider lighting a candle and/or listening to soothing music.
• Shift your attention away from the myriad thoughts and worries that tend to flood the mind in the initial moments of meditation. Repeating a simple mantra may help.
• Breathe slowly, deeply, and consciously. Allow your breath to guide you into a state of deep awareness and relaxation.

7. Laugh

Laughing lifts the spirits and relieves tension. This is somewhat of a given for anyone who has ever experienced a good belly laugh. But did you know that part of the reason laughing feels so good is because of the endorphins that stream through your system when you do?

According to research presented at a meeting of the American Physiological Society (2006), just knowing that laughter is coming boosts endorphins and sets the feel-good vibes in motion. Stress reduction and improved immune functioning are added perks of letting loose with laughter.

References:

1. American Physiological Society. (2006, April 3). Just the expectation of a mirthful laughter experience boosts endorphins 27 percent, HGH 87 percent. Phys.org. Retrieved from http://phys.org/news63293074.html
2. Carollo, K. (2012, February 20). The world’s hottest pepper: Brings pleasure and pain relief. ABC News. Retrieved from http://abcnews.go.com/Health/capsaicin-ingredient-hot-peppers-offers-medical-benefits/story?id=15727011
3. Harte, J. L., Eifert, G. H., and Smith, R. (1995, June). The effects of running and meditation on beta-endorphin, corticotropin-releasing hormone and cortisol in plasma, and on mood. Biological Psychology, 40, (3), 251-265. Retrieved from http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/030105119505118T
4. Hendrick, B. (2010, August 4). Resveratrol may slow aging in humans: plant extract resveratrol suppresses inflammation, study finds. WebMD Health News. Retrieved from http://www.webmd.com/healthy-aging/news/20100804/resveratrol-may-suppress-inflammation-in-humans
5. Ireland, K. (2014, February 10). How to boost endorphins. Livestrong.com. Retrieved from http://www.livestrong.com/article/88275-boost-endorphins/
6. Mayo Clinic. (2011, March 4). Red wine and resveratrol: good for your heart? Diseases and Conditions. Retrieved from http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/heart-disease/in-depth/red-wine/ART-20048281
7. Newsmax Health. (2013, July 8). Regular sex makes you look 7 years younger: researcher. Retrieved from http://www.newsmaxhealth.com/Health-News/sex-aging-health-benefits-endorphins/2013/07/08/id/513728
8. O’Sullivan, B. What are endorphins? The Road to Health Newsletter. Retrieved from http://www.road-to-health.com/64/What_are_Endorphins_.html
9. Simon, G. (2012, January 18). Alcohol and endorphins: ‘feel good’ chemical key to problem drinking? Counselling Resource. Retrieved from http://counsellingresource.com/features/2012/01/18/endorphins-and-alcohol/
10. Stoppler, M. C. (2007, March 15). Endorphins: natural pain and stress fighters. MedicineNet.com. Retrieved from http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=55001
11. WebMD. (2012, July 23). Exercise and depression. Retrieved from http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/exercise-depression

The thinking/feeling dichotomy was first connected to individual differences in psychological types (personalities) by Carl Jung. It is used in the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator’s personality typology and addresses natural differences in how individuals make decisions and experience emotions.

It is also the cause of a great deal of tension and conflict for couples that naturally differ on this dichotomy.

The terms used for descriptive purposes here can be misleading. For instance, someone with a feeling response orientation is not inherently more able to feel or less able to think than someone with a thinking response orientation; and someone with a thinking orientation is not inherently more able to think or less able to feel than someone with a feeling orientation (Reinhold, 2007).

These terms are used to address fundamental differences in the perceptual and experiential processes automatically triggered when thinking- and feeling-response-oriented individuals are sorting out and expressing what they are thinking and feeling. (Please note that this interpretation differs significantly from those of Carl Jung and the authors of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator.)

Although human beings are aware that people differ in how they come to conclusions and experience and express emotions, few understand that these differences in self-expression are driven by innately different perceptual and experiential frames of reference. Of particular note is a fundamental difference in the experience of emotions when conflicts arise—a difference of such magnitude that role-reversal comprehension is not possible. These differences are a constant in interactions between thinking and feeling individuals, easily confirmed by observation of one’s personal and professional relationships.[fat_widget_right]

Those with thinking response orientation:

• Process thoughts and experience emotions with an objective, fact-based frame of reference.
• Base decisions on objective criteria of cause and effect.
• Automatically seek a logical explanation for what is happening when conflicts arise.
• Have a self-grounded sense of logical consistency in thought, action, and emotion.
• Interpret anything expressed or done that does not make logical sense as automatically invalid.

Those with feeling response orientation:

• Are wired to facilitate harmony in human relationships.
• Have a natural sensitivity to issues of fairness and inclusion.
• Are tuned in to the tone of communication. If it is not said nicely, it is not nice.
• Are susceptible to feeling guilty or bad out of proportion to objective reality when conflicts arise.
• Have a susceptibility to feeling hurt and rejected when responded to in an emotionally neutral or blunt manner.

Thinking/Feeling Couples

The usual cause of difficulty for couples that differ on this dichotomy comes from a fundamental difference in how they experience and express emotions. The moment harmony is disrupted, most feeling-response-oriented individuals feel bad, as if they have done something wrong. Knowing they have not, in fact, done something wrong does not usually help. They feel bad anyway.

When these feelings are triggered, they may immediately apologize, hoping to restore harmony and neutralize the guilt they are experiencing, or they may get upset with their partner for doing something that caused them to feel that way. Neither of these responses makes much sense to a thinking-response-oriented individual.

Why would a person feel guilty and bad simply because someone disagreed with them; much less suggest that the other is at fault for causing them to feel that way? From the thinking-oriented perspective these responses do not make logical sense and are therefore invalid.

Choice is not an option here. Very much like the degree to which someone is left-handed, right-handed, or ambidextrous, the manner in which feeling- and thinking-oriented individuals experience and express thoughts and feelings is natural and normal—just different.

The Challenge in Communication

In essence, two naturally disparate perceptual frames of reference for making sense out of the same reality have been activated. The feeling partner seeks validation for how they are feeling about the situation, while the thinking partner seeks validation for why they think their partner’s feelings do not make logical sense. Neither can provide a response that meets the other’s criterion for being heard.

Without intention or awareness, the explanations that each provide for justifying their own natural and normal responses de facto invalidate the natural and normal responses of their partner. Issues of little import can trigger emotionally charged exchanges that leave both parties psychologically battered, blaming each other for the damage done, while the issues themselves remain unresolved. The conflict resolution challenge is significantly magnified when the couple also differs on the extroversion-introversion dichotomy.

Conflict Resolution Approach

I have been using a natural differences questionnaire based on the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator with all couples and families since 2000. Information on natural differences has proven to be consistently accurate.

In fact, the accuracy of the information above is such that most thinking-response-oriented partners have been able to accept its validity. Feeling-response-oriented partners have usually been more ambivalent. Although the information provides concrete validation regarding their emotional sensitivity and reactivity, it does not provide them with much relief from the feelings that get triggered when conflicts arise.

If they accept the premise that natural and normal differences in response orientations are at play, they have to acknowledge that their partner

1. cannot experientially relate to how they are feeling when conflicts arise and, therefore,
2. is not at fault for the feelings their comments can trigger.

The inequity inherent to this difference in experiencing emotion is such that some feeling-response-oriented partners have great difficulty accepting it. Fortunately, once most thinking-oriented partners have a logical explanation for their partner’s feel-based responses, they have been able to soften their responses in general and become more considerate and accommodating when conflicts arise. This change has helped many feeling partners contain the resentment they automatically experience during conflict.

The intensity of the explosive exchanges that some thinking/feeling couples are dealing with is such that adherence to a timeout rule is an absolute necessity if they hope to replace their destructive conflict resolution process with a healthier one. It is understandable why some feeling-response-oriented partners have a hard time adhering to this time out rule. After all, extroverted/feeling-oriented individuals have a particularly difficult time letting go before their partner has acknowledged the validity of how they are feeling.

The fact remains that once an issue has become emotionally charged and abusive, the possibility of a meaningful resolution no longer exists. Partners with strong extroversion, intuition, and feeling-response orientations may have a particularly difficult time accommodating this timeout rule.

The level of psychic distress (disruption of self) that some experience is so extreme that efforts by their partner to withdraw may trigger desperate, even violent behaviors to prevent their partner’s exit before a resettling response has been provided. However, a way must be found to contain these emotions if they hope to replace their destructive process with a healthier one.

Consequently, depending on the perceived volatility of the conflicted exchange, the person calling for a timeout may:

1. Agree to a future time to reconvene and try again, before their next counseling appointment.
2. Wait until their next counseling session to address the issue.
3. Contact the counselor to see if an earlier date can be scheduled to meet.

The timeout is almost always called for by the thinking partner and resented by the feeling partner.

Tip for thinkers: Seek to understand and accommodate your partner’s areas of sensitivity rather than attempt to help them understand why they should not feel that way.

Tip for feelers: Use logic-based constructs when explaining why they are upset. Example: “Even though you do not understand why I get upset when you say that, the fact remains that every time you say that I get upset. Given the predictability of my response, why do you keep saying that?”

Once most couples realize that natural differences are at play, and that neither is intentionally responding the way they do in order to get his or her own way, they are able to accommodate and compromise in areas that had not been possible before.

Reference:
Reinhold, Ross. (21 March, 2007). E-mail correspondence.

Mindfulness practices are quickly becoming an integral part of many people’s day-to-day lives, largely inspired by the belief that our thoughts and intentions have a significant impact on our overall health and well-being. Testimonies and reports are continually emerging to support the notion that rampant internal negativity may be associated with physical and psychological pain, while carefully cultivated positivity in the mental sphere is linked to improved physical and psychological wellness.

Of course, no matter the amount of personal belief and experience that testify to the power of positive thought and intention, the call for scientific evidence remains. This makes it particularly intriguing when researchers manage to validate what some might otherwise flippantly dismiss as “woo-woo.”

The positive intention studies of one researcher in particular, Dr. Masaru Emoto, have revealed that not only do our intentions have the capacity to hurt or help ourselves, but our words and intentions also have the capacity to significantly impact those around us.

Since 1994, Emoto has conducted several experiments in which his team of researchers observed the effects of spoken word, prayer, music, and images on crystals of frozen water. The photographs captured in response to these stimuli revealed “beautiful crystals” forming in response to positive words and phrases, music, and “pure prayer.” Conversely, when spoken to or influenced negatively, the water molecules appeared disfigured and broken in the photographs (Emoto, 2010).

Dr. Emoto chose to focus his research on water molecules because water comprises approximately 70% of the fluids in the human body, so the connection is obvious. For years, Dr. Emoto has been publishing the results of his studies in his Messages from Water book series, and a sampling of the photographs can be seen online at masaru-emoto.net/english/water-crystal.html.

Water molecule photos are also included in Dr. Emoto’s children’s e-book The Secret Language of Water, which can be viewed and downloaded for free at emoto-peace-project.com. Available in several languages, the book intends to educate young people of the importance of water on this planet and in our bodies.

In a more recent study conducted by Dr. Masaru Emoto and colleagues, some 2,000 people in Tokyo focused long-distance positive intentions on water samples contained in “a double-steel-walled, electromagnetically shielded room” at the Institute of Noetic Sciences (IONS) in Petaluma, California (Radin, Hayssen, Emoto, and Kizu, 2006).

On November 16, 2005, Emoto led the participants “in a prayer of gratitude directed toward the water in the IONS laboratory, some 5,000 miles away” (Radin et al., 2006). They were shown digital images of the bottles of water, and the prayer lasted for approximately five minutes. The water samples were then sent to Emoto’s lab in Japan. Specific measures were taken to ensure that the water bottles were kept separate and free from outside influence, and when the contents were examined, 40 unique water molecules were photographed.

The researchers then enlisted 100 volunteers to blindly evaluate the photographs based on aesthetic appeal. Basically, they wanted to see which water molecules were perceived as beautiful and pleasing, and which ones were not. Both “treated” and untreated molecules were included.

The results reinforced the idea that “water treated with pleasant intentions” results in “more pleasing crystal shapes” than water that did not receive this treatment (Radin et al., 2006).

In 2004, Emoto’s work received a great deal of attention when his photographs of crystallized water were featured in the film What the Bleep Do We Know? And through his ongoing explorations into how our words and intentions impact water molecules, and what that means not just for human life but for the bodies of water that sustain us, Dr. Emoto has become internationally known as “the water messenger.”

The video below, which you may have seen circulating around the Internet, features another of Emoto’s experiments, in which cooked rice was placed in three separate beakers: the first container was told “thank you,” the second one was told “you’re an idiot,” and the third one was completely ignored. After 30 days, the “thank you” rice remained white and began to ferment, “giving off a strong, pleasant odor”; the “you’re an idiot” rice turned black; and the neglected rice began to rot. Poor rice!

Several videos on YouTube reflect similar results when people have tried Emoto’s experiment at home with their own supplies.

Emoto’s work sends a clear message that what we feel and say to ourselves and others has the potential to alter the very molecules surrounding us; in other words, being mindful matters!

References:

1. Emoto, M. (2010). What is the photograph of frozen water crystals? Retrieved from http://www.masaru-emoto.net/english/water-crystal.html
2. Radin, D., Hayssen, G., Emoto, M., and Kizu, T. (2006, September). Double-blind test of the effects of distant intention on water crystal formation. Explore: The Journal of Science and Healing, Vol. 2, Issue 5, 408-411. Retrieved from http://www.explorejournal.com/article/S1550-8307(06)00327-2/fulltext
3. Spirit Science and Metaphysics. Did you know your thoughts can do this to water crystals? Retrieved from http://www.spiritscienceandmetaphysics.com/scientific-proof-thoughts-and-intentions-can-alter-the-world-around-us/

The winter solstice is nigh upon us, and marks the shortest, darkest day of the year. The term solstice is derived from the Latin words for “sun” and “to stand.” On December 21, the sun’s high point in its daily path will be at the southernmost point for the year. The next day, it will begin its journey northward, each day becoming a little bit lighter. But for a few days before and after this period, the changes will be so slight that the sun’s high point will appear to stand still, even though powerful change is taking place.

The solstice also officially marks the beginning of winter. Seeds planted in the spring have yielded their harvest, and although we now commence celebration and feasting, the solstice serves as a celestial reminder that soon we must allow for stillness, reflecting on the past year before beginning anew in the next.

At times, the urge to resist going within can be strong. We may try to distract ourselves; parties and libations and presents serve this purpose quite effectively. Setting aside time for reflection enables us to make meaning of our year, however. And once we understand what has transpired, we can better decide what it is we hope to create in the coming year. If we allow it, this can be a time of grieving those we have lost, as well as celebrating their gifts and memories that remain. Similarly, it can be a time of gratitude for our accomplishments or the opportunities we have been given, as well as a time for identifying what we would like to do differently going forward.

Ideally, if we are brave enough, as we take stock of our lives we can create space to allow ourselves to fully experience the feelings we have, without fighting or judging them. We can breathe through them. It is this process that can help us to then release these feelings sufficiently to move forward—the equivalent of surveying what one’s plantings have yielded, appreciating the harvest for whatever it was, and deciding whether we hope to harvest the same or something different the next time around.

[fat_widget_left]A reflective period need not—and should not—be a time to be unduly harsh with ourselves, but rather to be lovingly honest. Firm yet forgiving. After all, endless rumination and self-recrimination keeps us trapped in a past we cannot change, and no one benefits from this. An attitude of self-forgiveness can liberate us from old patterns or ways of being that we likely adopted for a reason, but that do not serve us nor adequately reflect who we are and who we’d like to be.

What an incredible gift to give ourselves.

Activities that facilitate going within include meditation, setting aside time for silence, being in nature, and engaging in a creative activity, among others. If you find it difficult to quiet your mind at first, move your awareness to your breath, observing it as if you were observing the waves of the ocean, leaves blowing off into the distance, or clouds drifting across the sky. As you do so, you may wish to ask yourself the following questions. Allow your answers to be honest.

1. What do I really want each aspect of my life (e.g., family, work, romance, creativity, spirituality, health) to be like in the coming year?
2. How much effort am I wiling to put into making positive change?
3. What tool or support will I draw upon to help me when things feel difficult (e.g., conscious breathing, meditation, psychotherapy, friends/family, religious community)?
4. How will I accept the things that I may be unable to change—my best efforts notwithstanding?
5. How will I know when I have achieved positive change (what will this look like specifically)?
6. Can I commit to loving myself as I am now—the only way I will ever be in the present moment—even as I plan for and work toward change?

Write down what you discover. Periodically, take your list out and fine-tune as needed. Decide when you will begin making concrete steps toward your goals. These are the seeds you will sow. Visualize yourself continuing to grow and learn, and do the things that matter to you and give your life meaning. This is how you will till the soil, plant your seeds, and care for them. Every day, celebrate your life—this is what you will harvest.

A happy holiday season, and a peaceful, healthy New Year to all!

Thanks for your question. This is a fascinating dilemma, in that many who wrestle with similar issues often have trouble achieving anything, let alone the impressive roster you list above.

I think my first suggestion is to simply get curious about what is happening here. I’m a fan of what I call “emotional mindfulness,” meaning paying close attention to what happens, exactly, when you choose and take action toward a specific goal. When you start job hunting, are you filled with excitement? Anxiety? Dread? Pressure? Are you motivated to not let others down, and does it feel like the very goal itself is instilled by others’ priorities rather than your own? And if you don’t feel pride, what is it you feel? Pressure? Irritation? Emptiness?

Actually, everybody wants to please others to some degree, especially their parents. I’m reminded of this every time my baby daughter does something amusing; I smile or laugh, and she responds in kind. We are born wanting what Kohut called psychological “mirroring,” or having our progress mirrored in the pleased expressions of our folks. In fact, Kohut (founder of self-psychology) called the need for mirroring one of the essentials of human development. But there are other developmental needs, including individuation, or finding your own path, vocation, and values that give you satisfaction. Do you feel the choices given to you by parents, or “society” in general, are too narrow?

You seem to derive little or no pleasure from your very real achievements, and seem to almost blame yourself (“What’s my deal?”). Again, I’m curious as to the disconnect, and to the overall context in which this is happening. I’m sure it’s not your “deal” alone. Perhaps you’ve come to believe, through your experiences, that there are high expectations on you, and a risk of not fulfilling them.

You’re at an age where it’s appropriate to begin a more adult individuation process, to begin to explore what makes you happy, and ask existential life questions such as, “What’s so great about a 9-to-5 job?” and, “Do I really want to be a cog in the big machine?” and, “Is there more to life than wife and kids and paying bills?” and, “What’s it all about for me?” In this sense, your question reflects a very healthy awareness and a hunger for self-expansion, and that’s a good thing. However, the risk is that others may have a different reaction to “the new you.”

Every individual is different, but I traveled a lot when I was your age, wrote (unproduced) plays in cafes, made short films, and lived in Europe for a year. I’m not recommending this by any means, but I experimented quite a bit … with filmmaking, travel, volunteer work, dating, meditation, and so forth. It really helped inform my decisions later on when it came time to “grow up” and hunker down on career and marriage. My parents weren’t always thrilled, but so it goes.

What gives you pleasure or motivates you? Are you concerned that, should you pursue a more individual path, others won’t approve? If that’s the case, it’s a good time to start individuating, and finding your own way and learning to tolerate disapproval. I have found, both personally and with clients, that the people who love you do so unconditionally, regardless of your résumé and achievements. Most disapproval is temporary; people adjust. If not, a conversation needs to happen regarding the rigid “requirements” one feels to continue receiving approval. Self-denial and approval seeking are high prices to pay, and in the long run not a psychologically healthy recipe for love and life.

Perhaps, as with many your age, what lights the inner spark is not yet known to you. If that’s true, that’s OK, but it might be time to do some soul-searching, or consult with a career counselor or even a therapist to look at other options you might find interesting … because now is the time to experiment and explore avenues (safely) that you might not have considered. Perhaps there is some kind of pressure to do what’s expected of you, leading to a feeling of emptiness and/or resentment. Do you feel others will be “disappointed” if you don’t do the expected thing? Is there a risk in doing things for yourself rather than for those in your life? Are you concerned they’ll “reject” or abandon you in some way?

The other possibility—and again, this is highly speculative and to be taken lightly, since I don’t know you at all—is that there is some dysthymic or depressive symptomology here, or other organic condition which might be undermining average serotonin or dopamine processing in your system. You might want to get a checkup to rule out anything medical or psychiatric first.

The first step in any change is the kind of awareness you’re bringing to the situation. Try if you can to be patient and compassionate with yourself, and see this as a process. The question you raise is a crucial and common one at your stage of life; you might not get the answer as quickly as you like, but stay with it and keep seeking—this is precisely the kind of exploration that can open more doors (and perspectives) than you might think. Thanks again for writing.

Kind regards,
Darren

Recently I watched a YouTube video of comedian Louis CK being interviewed by Conan O’Brien in which he was discussing his reasons for not allowing his kids have cell phones. It was really funny but also quite profound. He talked about how cell phones (and other gadgets) prevent us from feeling sadness. He described an experience he had while driving down the road listening to the radio. He said a song came on that reminded him of his past and made him sad. He noticed the urge to pick up his phone and text his friends in an effort to derail the emotion. Instead, he decided to let the emotion come. He said he pulled over on the side of the road and cried, then felt a surge of happiness afterward, which he explained as gratitude for his ability to feel. He pointed out how when we cut off our ability to feel sad, we cut off our ability to feel happy, too. We coast along in an emotionally dulled state, not feeling too much of anything.

How often we distract ourselves with technology, eating, substances, sex, shopping—and the list goes on—when we feel a pang of sadness heading toward us. It’s understandable; sadness doesn’t feel especially good. But there is a price to avoiding it. When we don’t allow ourselves to feel sad, we stunt the intensity of our other emotions (including joy and happiness) as well. It’s impossible to selectively repress an emotion, so when we limit one, we limit them all. Also, by dodging sadness, we may lose confidence in our ability to handle difficulty. We may start to think sadness is too much for us to deal with, and facing it becomes an overwhelming proposition. However, when we allow ourselves to move toward difficult emotions, we are reminded that we can handle it, and that it usually isn’t as bad as we expected. In my experience as a chronic sadness avoider, I find that when I move toward the emotion instead of running as fast as I can away from it, I’m often surprised by how quickly the sadness comes and goes. I’m reminded that emotions are like waves; they start small, build, crest, then begin to subside. Of course, some waves are bigger than others and go on for longer, and they may return over and over again; but they are usually less difficult to navigate than I expected.

I’ve also come to believe that by avoiding sadness, we stunt our ability to connect with others. In times of profound sadness, I’m reminded of the commonalities of the human experience. It is something we feel physically in a similar way. The throat feels restricted and sometimes painful; there is a pressured feeling in the chest; an empty feeling in the stomach; sometimes we cry. By allowing myself to experience sadness, I’m able to feel more compassion for others. From this compassion comes a sense of gratitude and equanimity. When we move through life emotionally numbed out, we are likely to feel disconnected and alone. Western culture makes it really hard not to avoid emotions. There are so many enticing distractions immediately available and pushed on us every day. Attending to emotion is definitely moving against the cultural current.

[fat_widget_left]Finally, by allowing ourselves to fully experience all of our emotions, we have the opportunity to connect with inner wisdom that informs us about who we are and what we need. For example, recently a client in my practice felt a wave of sadness and allowed herself to explore it in the session. Through this process, she identified her feelings of loss around a disappointing relationship with a parent. As she sat with this emotion and allowed it to run its full course, she uncovered a need to accept this reality—that her parent couldn’t and would never be the ideal parent she had always wanted. Even though this was a tough realization, it allowed her to move forward exploring ways she could parent herself as an adult rather than being paralyzed by a desire for what was not possible.

As an experiment, consider intentionally focusing on your emotional “waves” for a few days. See if you can identify your urge to avoid or distract (whether you choose to distract or not), and if a good moment presents itself, spend some time sitting with it, observing what it is like for you to feel this and reflecting on what information or insights you glean from it. You may benefit from journaling about these experiences as well.

Practically speaking, most of us won’t be able to be mindful of every emotion that comes our way. The realities of our lives interfere with that. Maybe we feel a wave of sadness coming during the middle of a business meeting or in a conversation with our boss when it would be to our detriment to allow the feeling to take hold. Also, emotions are always present and quickly shift and change, so to be constantly mindful would be a full-time job. There are as many ways of practicing emotional mindfulness as there are people, but I can tell you how I do it. When I notice a particularly strong emotion present at a time when it isn’t in my best interests to fully allow it, I make some time later to recall the incident that triggered it and allow the emotion to come forward again. Though it isn’t “in the moment,” I’m often able to recreate it in a context that works better for me. Also, at times when I start to feel sad and there is an opportunity to allow the feeling, I create some space for it by minimizing distractions and choosing not to pick up my cell phone or look up something random on the Internet (my frequent go-to escapes). I also work on not judging myself harshly when I avoid emotions; after all, I am human, and humans by nature don’t like to feel pain.