My therapy practice is in Fairfax County, one of the wealthiest counties, with some of the best schools, in the nation. It is diverse and densely populated with well-educated residents who are overwhelmingly employed in business and professional services. Fairfax County is home to the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) and the National Counterterrorism Center (NCTC), and is only a short distance from the nation’s government and leading policy makers. The town in which I work was voted one of the best cities for raising families in the state of Virginia.

Despite the wealth, access to education, and proximity to the country’s main resources for enforcing security in our nation, not all children here are safe. Like children everywhere, they are vulnerable to the atrocities of child abuse.

In 2016, SafeSpot, a local children’s advocacy center that supports families and facilitates the investigation of child sexual and severe physical abuse allegations, served more than 375 children who were impacted by abuse, the overwhelming majority of whom alleged sexual abuse. SafeSpot also worked with children who were traumatized by witnessing domestic violence.

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Most people would agree child abuse is a heartbreaking issue, yet many believe it’s not something that could happen to anyone they know or love. On the contrary, child abuse happens everywhere—in all types of homes, families, neighborhoods, schools, churches, and communities. No population, culture, or socioeconomic group is immune. Child abuse is likely present somewhere in your very own network.

National statistics show more than 700,000 children are abused annually in the United States, with 90% of alleged abusers in some way related to the victims. RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) reports that every 98 seconds, an American is sexually assaulted. Every eight minutes, that victim is a child. One in four women and one in six men are sexually abused as children.

People who abuse children are not just creepy strangers who lurk behind bushes or abduct children in vans. They often include people we encounter every day, people their victims know, love, and trust. People who abuse can be grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, moms, dads, teachers, coaches, mentors, neighbors, and family friends.

The effects of child abuse are devastating and typically long-lasting, including a lifetime of potential struggles with mental health issues, low self-esteem, increased risk of drug abuse/addiction, and patterns of dysfunctional and unhealthy relationships.

The realities of child abuse are alarming, but developing an awareness of the problem brings the increased ability to prevent or at least identify when child abuse occurs.

The effects of child abuse are devastating and typically long-lasting, including a lifetime of potential struggles with mental health issues, low self-esteem, increased risk of drug abuse/addiction, and patterns of dysfunctional and unhealthy relationships.

Tips for Parents to Prevent and Address Child Abuse

• Educate yourself on the statistics of child abuse and understand that even your own children could be at risk. You may know somebody who is or has the potential to be abusive, so know where to go or who to call in your community if at any time you suspect or discover a child is being hurt or threatened.
• Listen and validate when a child reveals abuse. Very rarely do children lie about abuse. Try to remain open, calm, curious, and nonjudgmental if a child reports or alludes to having been abused.
• I cannot stress enough how important it is to remain calm. It’s obviously gut-wrenching to hear your child may have been hurt, and it’s further challenging and complicated when the allegations are made against somebody you know and trust. But your initial reaction may determine whether the child shuts down and bottles up the violation, or reports and ultimately ends the trauma to seek healing.
• Often, children will report only parts of what happened or may pretend it happened to someone else in order to gauge how an adult will react. Be patient and allow the child to feel safe enough to continue opening up. Responding emotionally or with judgment, blame, or disbelief may cause the child to shut down and avoid talking about the abuse.
• From early on, begin facilitating conversations with your children, letting them know they can come to you about anything, no matter what anyone else says. Abuse is hard for children to comprehend, let alone talk about. They often internalize a sense of fear, embarrassment, and shame, and wind up believing they are at fault or somehow to blame for what happened. Further, people who abuse frequently coerce silence via emotional abuse, warnings the victim won’t be believed, and by threats of harm to the victim or their loved ones. Teach your children it’s your job to protect them, not the other way around, and demonstrate unconditional love so they feel safe enough to talk to you.
• Use age-appropriate language and find moments to educate your children about their bodies, about appropriate versus inappropriate touch, and about sexuality as they get older. Sex and sexuality are often awkward, uncomfortable, or taboo topics in many families; however, it’s important that you, as the adult, demonstrate and model that embarrassing or difficult topics are still important and do not need to be off-limits or avoided.
• While it’s unhealthy to isolate or shelter our children, we can be selective about what daycares, schools, and activities they participate in. Ensure that background checks are done on any individuals working directly with children, and advocate for staff trainings on the prevention, recognition, and reporting of child abuse. Communicate regularly with your children about the other adults and peers in their lives.
• The signs of abuse are not always easy to recognize without hindsight; however, step in and talk to your child if you notice any emotional or behavioral changes, such as increased anxiety, withdrawal, isolating, rebellion, or angry outbursts. It’s important to explore any signs of physical abuse, including bruises, rashes, or swelling. Pay attention to physical problems, such as urinary tract infections, or frequent complaints of things like headaches or stomachaches that aren’t medically explained. Understand it’s normal for children to be inquisitive and exploratory regarding gender and sexuality, but watch out for any sexual behavior, language, or curiosity that does not seem age-appropriate.

Help for Perpetrators of Child Abuse

If you are someone who has abused or believe you have the potential to abuse a child, I urge you to get help from a mental health professional who can assist you in exploring the roots of this insidious problem. While most children who are abused do not go on to repeat the cycle of abuse, many abusers were, in fact, victims of child abuse themselves. This history of abuse needs to be dealt with so you can attain a life free from the guilt, shame, and destruction of hurting others.

Spreading Awareness of Child Abuse Prevention

April is National Child Abuse Prevention Month. Prevent Child Abuse America has designated the pinwheel as the national symbol for child abuse prevention. Please help spread awareness of the realities of child abuse by displaying a pinwheel in your workplace, organization, or community. The more we talk about and spread awareness regarding the realities of child abuse, the closer we come to ending it.

References:

1. National statistics on child abuse. (2014). Retrieved from http://www.nationalchildrensalliance.org/media-room/media-kit/national-statistics-child-abuse
2. Pinwheels for prevention. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://preventchildabuse.org/resource/pinwheels-for-prevention
3. Scope of the problem: Statistics. (2016). Retrieved from https://www.rainn.org/statistics/scope-problem

Establishing and maintaining healthy friendships is one of the most important tasks adolescents, especially girls, face in their daily lives. Many girls spend a large portion of their day either engaging with their friends or thinking about their friendships. Navigating this world can at times be likened to an elaborate game of chess, where each move is thought out and methodical, and strategies change based on the moves of others. For many girls, mood and self-esteem are inextricably linked to the outcome of these moves—the status of their friendships with others.

The social world of adolescent girls is often defined by a “survival of the fittest” mindset. In trying to survive, girls often employ strategies that can be harmful to others, even those they consider their closest friends. The use of these strategies is called relational aggression.

Identifying Relational Aggression

In order to begin to address relational aggression, one must first recognize what it looks like. This behavior (which may often be used by adolescent girls but is not necessarily specific to girls) can be defined as actions intended to cause harm to another person by damaging their relationships with others. This type of behavior is often covert, unlike outright physical aggression, and has the intent of damaging a girl’s self-esteem and social relationships. Relational aggression can be proactive—used as a means to an end—or reactive—occurring as a retaliatory response.

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Examples of relational aggression include:

• Ignoring: One girl or a group of girls may participate in ignoring behavior. Sometimes the “reason” is clear (an intentional or inadvertent offense, for example), but other times, the target may have no idea why she is being ignored. Ignoring can cause significant stress on the target. In fact, girls who are ignored will spend most of their day trying to figure out the reason behind a friend(s)’s anger and will often be overwhelmed with worry and anxiety. Sometimes the target will even lash out at those ignoring them and attempt to retaliate, often making the situation worse.
• Sharing personal information: This often happens when a girl confides in a friend and that friend then goes and shares the confidential information with others. This can be especially harmful when the information is about a third peer, as that relationship is also likely to be damaged.
• Teasing and put-downs: Teasing and put-downs are used frequently, even in friendships. Often these are subtle and used under the guise that “real friends tell their friends the truth, even if it hurts.” When a girl stands up for herself, she may be labeled as sensitive and told to “lighten up.” Teasing and put-downs damage a girl’s self-esteem, however, and this may be especially true when the hurtful comment comes from someone who is supposed to be a friend.
• Rumors and gossip: Rumors and gossip spread like wildfire in middle and high schools. Gossip, often used as a tool to destroy the reputation of someone a girl is mad at or doesn’t like, may be about something a girl did or said (or is purported to have done or said) but might also be used to instigate a fight between two girls with rumors that one girl wants to fight the other. Rumors and gossip are destructive and can impact friendships and self-esteem significantly.
• Exclusion: Girls use exclusion as a way to both maintain social status and keep others from obtaining social status. Girls within a friendship group can also exclude their own friends. These alliances within a friendship group can change from week to week and sometimes, day to day. In some cases, a girl may never really know where she stands in her group, and this uncertainty can cause stress and anxiety.
• Cyberbullying: Cyberbullying is pervasive. Girls can no longer go home after school to seek refuge from drama. Relational aggression is present constantly, and many more people might be included. Girls might post harmful and untrue statements about someone else or send angry, rude, and vulgar messages directed at one person to an entire group. Some also pretend to be someone else in order to elicit certain information that is later shared with others.

What Can Be Done About Relational Aggression?

For adults:

Adults can be a great support for girls who are experiencing relational aggression within their friend groups. Parents and other adult role models can also help girls find more effective ways to maintain healthy relationships by:

• Teaching empathy. Help girls understand the impact of their behavior on others to help them make better choices and have greater empathy for others. Using their own experiences to remind them of what it feels like to be on the other side of relational aggression can help them gain some perspective.
• Teaching communication and problem-solving skills: Adolescents are still learning how to best communicate and solve their own problems. Teaching them basic skills can help them learn how to better manage challenging social situations.
• Modeling behavior: When adults model patterns of positive interaction and behavior, teenagers may be better able to learn how to develop and maintain healthy relationships through exposure. Help girls understand the impact of their behavior on others to help them make better choices and have greater empathy for others. Using their own experiences to remind them of what it feels like to be on the other side of relational aggression can help them gain some perspective.

For girls:

The following skills may be helpful for girls attempting to survive the adolescent social world and thrive in environments where relational aggression flourishes.

• Be assertive: Learning how to stand up for yourself while being conscious of how your behavior can impact others can help you develop healthy relationships.
• Know your values: Explore what qualities are important to you in a friend relationship. The knowledge of what is important can help you determine which friendships are healthy and which are toxic. You do not have to stay in an unhealthy friendship. Find ways to limit contact with toxic friends and seek out relationships that make you feel happy and good about yourself.
• Strengthen your self-esteem: Work on ways to feel confident about who you are, no matter what others say about you.
• Develop coping skills: Explore healthy coping skills that can help you deal with difficult social situations. Participate in activities outside of school, or find recreational activities you enjoy.
• Talk to someone: The adolescent social world can be difficult and pose any number of challenges. Find an adult you trust and feel comfortable talking to. Whether you would simply like a space to vent or you want advice on how to deal with difficult situations, getting that support can be extremely beneficial. A therapist is a great resource for this, but your school counselor might also be a helpful adult to seek out.

References:

1. Mean girls-Realities of relational aggression. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.d11.org/pip/Parents/Mean%20Girls.pdf
2. The Ophelia Project. (2010). It has a name: Relational aggression: Shaping healthy peer relationships for today’s girls and young women. Erie, PA.

When couples get married, they generally do so with the intention that the marriage will be for a lifetime, but the reality is divorce is a common experience. According to the CDC, roughly 50% of American children will witness their parents’ divorce, with the divorce rate in the United States at 2.9 divorces per 1,000 people. When marriages crumble, it is important for couples to remember they still have a responsibility to themselves and any children the marriage produced.

It is also important to acknowledge that not all marriages provide a healthy environment for children. High-conflict or unstable relationships, especially those marked by chronic hostility, emotional withdrawal, substance misuse, infidelity, or abuse can negatively affect children’s emotional security and development. In these situations, divorce may represent not only a disruption, but also a transition away from an environment that was already causing harm. Understanding this distinction can help parents approach the process with greater clarity and intention.

Honoring parental responsibility entails several different facets. First, it is imperative for parents to be aware of the red flags that indicate their children are not coping well with the split. Parents also must adjust to and be aware of changes to come in regards to their relationship with their children. In many cases, parents must create and adjust to new parenting roles.

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Red Flags for Children

When children experience the divorce or separation of their parents, they may exhibit behaviors and emotions including, but not limited to, sadness; anger confusion; feeling torn between both parents; guilt; and fear for the future. Research has shown that children exposed to divorce may experience disruptions in educational outcomes and social adaptation, with consequences including lower academic achievement, diminished self-confidence, and the emergence of behavioral issues. Some children may even struggle with academic performance. All of this is quite normal considering the child’s family, as they knew it, is drastically changing. However, many researchers emphasize that these challenges are often closely tied to the level of conflict, instability, or distress present in the home before and during the divorce process, rather than the legal separation itself.

In fact, children who grow up in high-conflict households may show improvements in well-being once conflict is reduced, even if that reduction comes through separation or divorce. This highlights that the quality of the family environment, both before and after divorce, plays a critical role in how children adjust.

Compared to children with continuously married parents, children with divorced parents have more behavioral and emotional problems, obtain lower academic test scores, and have more problems with social relationships. However, research studies consistently indicate that divorce has few lasting effects on children’s mental health or performance in school for many children, particularly when parental conflict is low and supportive relationships are maintained. What is most notable about children of divorce is their resilience, their successful coping despite life’s difficulties.

So how does one identify when these behaviors are problematic? Well, if a child is displaying extreme emotions (symptoms of depression or anxiety, for example) that are interfering with their ability to function academically or socially for an extended period of time, steps may need to be taken to address this. The same may be true for children who no longer want to participate in extracurricular activities, especially if they stop participation without reason or warning.

When children’s emotions and behaviors become unusual, out of character, or extreme, it’s advisable for parents to consult a family therapist for assistance. Structured interventions offering parenting support and education have been shown to reduce children’s psychological problems.

Consistency Is Key

It’s important for parents to understand the impact of divorce on the entire family unit. Parents should develop a plan of action by working together or with a mediator, if needed, to prioritize creating as much consistency for children as possible. This could relate to their schedules and routines, vacations, school activities, etc.

Just as important as consistency is the reduction of conflict. Ongoing tension, hostility, or communication breakdowns between parents, whether married or divorced, can be more distressing for children than the structural changes that come with separation. Minimizing children’s exposure to conflict should remain a central priority.

Research shows that high levels of consistent and effective discipline may promote adaptive coping processes by enhancing children’s sense of the predictability of their environments. The consistent occurrence of expected consequences for misbehaviors may promote a sense of control, which could lead to higher levels of active coping and coping efficacy and lower levels of avoidant coping.

Patience and understanding are critical since children are often not equipped with the skills to navigate major life changes. Out of consideration for their feelings, parents should consider limiting exposure to new romantic partners while the divorce is still fresh. Ideally, both parents should live as close to their children as possible in order to foster ongoing attachment and security.

Consistency in schedules and rules makes life less stressful for everyone. Once parents agree on a plan for spending time with their children, they do well to stick to it religiously. Children want to know where they are going to be at what times, and while a change or delay may seem small to a parent, it can be a big deal to a child.

Taking on New Parenting Roles

New parenting roles may include those of counselor and mediator. Some parents may have to embrace the role of counselor and listen to their children express emotions related to the divorce. Other parents may have to work as the family mediator and help foster a positive and seamless relationship between children and extended family members.

When children are involved, divorcing couples must remember ending the marriage does not mean ending the family. Parenting is for a lifetime.

Parents must remember to actively parent their children at all times; it is not sufficient to parent by guilt. Research shows that Disneyland parenting often stems from a parent’s guilt around the divorce, where indulging a child may function as a kind of misguided apology. This reinforces the idea for the child that the divorce was a terrible thing that happened to them, rather than building their resilience by teaching them that we all live through difficult things and have the ability to move on. Parenting by guilt means parents are indulgent and enforce few boundaries and consequences for bad behavior because they feel guilty about the divorce.

Parents should work together to display as much consistency as possible in rules between households and routines. This practice of overcompensating is a natural reaction for parents to feel the need to make up for time missed with their child, but it needs to be identified and corrected because the long-term effects can be destructive to the relationship with their kids or their relationship with their other parent. It is not fair for one parent to become the “Disneyland” parent, meaning they see the child relatively infrequently and therefore typically engage in only fun activities, making the other parent seem strict or unfun by comparison.

Parent-child relationships characterized by warmth, supportiveness, effective problem-solving skills, positive communication, and low levels of conflict and negativity are consistently associated with fewer negative outcomes related to mental health and with more positive outcomes related to social adaptation following a separation or divorce. Both parents should participate in homework, extracurricular activities, academic meetings, and other events to show children a united front. In this spirit, any differences between parents should be kept in confidence and expressed out of view of the children.

Children need love, but they also need discipline. Each household needs a few clear and reasonable rules about such things as bedtimes, responsibilities, and appropriate behavior, and parents should expect these rules to be followed. No means no, and parents make a big mistake if they let their guilt turn no into “maybe not.” A positive focus is the best way to discipline, with praising children for doing things right working much better than criticizing children for doing things wrong.

Divorce is never easy—for anyone affected—and it often follows a period of significant strain within the family system. While the process brings its own challenges, it can also create space for reduced conflict and healthier patterns of interaction. If parents work together to foster consistency and cooperation in the best interests of the children, the transition can be less painful. Parents who find it difficult to work together should consider enlisting the help of a family therapist or mediator. Mediation potentially benefits children by lowering conflict, improving parenting, and encouraging both parents to remain an active presence in their children’s lives, with one randomized trial demonstrating these positive outcomes.

When children are involved, divorcing couples must remember ending the marriage does not mean ending the family. Parenting is for a lifetime.

References:

1. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2021). Marriage and divorce. National Center for Health Statistics. https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/marriage-divorce.htm
2. Compas, B. E., Jaser, S. S., Bettis, A. H., Watson, K. H., Gruhn, M. A., Dunbar, J. P., Williams, E., & Thigpen, J. C. (2017). Coping, emotion regulation, and psychopathology in childhood and adolescence: A meta-analysis and narrative review. Psychological Bulletin, 143(9), 939-991.
3. Emery, R. E. (2012). Renegotiating family relationships: Divorce, child custody, and mediation (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
4. Fabricius, W. V., & Luecken, L. J. (2007). Postdivorce living arrangements, parent conflict, and long-term physical health correlates for children of divorce. Journal of Family Psychology, 21(2), 195-205.
5. Kliewer, W., Fearnow, M. D., & Miller, P. A. (1996). Coping socialization in middle childhood: Tests of maternal and paternal influences. Child Development, 67(5), 2339-2357.
6. National Institute of Mental Health. (2024). Children and mental health. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/child-and-adolescent-mental-health
7. Pedro-Carroll, J. L., & Cowen, E. L. (1985). The Children of Divorce Intervention Program: An investigation of the efficacy of a school-based prevention program. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 53(5), 603-611.
8. Sandler, I., Ayers, T. S., Wolchik, S., Tein, J. Y., Kwok, O. M., Haine, R. A., Twohey-Jacobs, J., Suter, J., Lin, K., Padgett-Jones, S., Weyer, J. L., Cole, E., Kriege, G., & Griffin, W. A. (2003). The family bereavement program: Efficacy evaluation of a theory-based prevention program for parentally bereaved children and adolescents. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 71(3), 587-600.
9. Vandersluys, M. (2022). Understanding children’s adjustment to divorce: The importance of family processes. Canadian Psychology, 63(2), 142-155.
10. Wolchik, S. A., Sandler, I. N., Millsap, R. E., Plummer, B. A., Greene, S. M., Anderson, E. R., Dawson-McClure, S. R., Hipke, K., & Haine, R. A. (2002). Six-year follow-up of preventive interventions for children of divorce: A randomized controlled trial. JAMA, 288(15), 1874-1881.

Parents who use harsh parenting tactics, such as physical and verbal aggression, may exacerbate the behaviors they wish to prevent, according to a study published in the journal Child Development. Children whose parents used harsh tactics had poor academic outcomes and were more likely to engage in high-risk behaviors.

Parenting Effects on Educational Attainment

The study initially enrolled 1,482 seventh graders living near Washington, D.C. Researchers followed the teens for nine years, until they were 21. The group was racially, socioeconomically, and geographically diverse. At the end of the study, 1,060 participants remained.

The students answered questions about their parents’ use of verbal and physical aggression. They also reported on their relationships with peers, sexual behavior, and habits such as balancing time with peers and time to complete homework.

Children of harsh parents were more likely to report in ninth grade that their peers were more important than following the rules. By eleventh grade, these teens engaged in more high-risk behaviors. Boys in this group were more likely to engage in juvenile delinquency such as stealing and aggression, while girls were more likely to participate in early sexual behavior.

[fat_widget_right]By 21, adults who were harshly parented as children had lower educational attainment. They were more likely to drop out of school, and they had lower grades and standardized test scores. The study’s authors suggest harsh parenting indirectly leads to lower educational attainment by encouraging children to place the highest value on peer relationships and embrace high-risk behaviors that sustain those relationships.

The study’s authors suggest improved intervention strategies for teens whose parents use harsh parenting tactics could help increase their potential educational attainment later in life.

Harsh Parenting May Be an Ineffective Strategy

Other studies have also linked harsh parenting to negative outcomes in children. One study found children who are more frequently spanked are more likely to struggle at school, be diagnosed with a mental health condition, and engage in antisocial behavior. Another study found parenting style matters most for “difficult” children. Excessively harsh parenting was most harmful to children with challenging temperaments.

Reference:

Hentges, R. F., & Wang, M. (2017). Gender differences in the developmental cascade from harsh parenting to educational attainment: An evolutionary perspective. Child Development. doi:10.1111/cdev.12719

I was recently asked for my thoughts on pageant culture and its relationship to self-esteem. First, let me say I don’t have a lot of experience with pageant culture. Much of my knowledge is based on what I’ve seen on television and in movies, and obviously some of this may be extremely exaggerated and over-the-top. Perhaps real-life pageant culture is less dramatic, cutthroat, or superficial than the scripted shows and examples the general population may be familiar with. And perhaps there are many positive aspects for both the winners and losers in pageants.

But my gut reaction is to feel skeptical about the ability of pageants to favorably impact self-esteem, and I tend to have a negative (though admittedly biased and inexperienced) view of pageant culture on the whole.

As somebody who teaches self-esteem workshops but lacks personal experience with pageants, I found the question about the relationship between pageants and self-esteem intriguing. Here, I share some of my thoughts regarding how pageants could potentially be harmful to the pursuit of healthy self-esteem. I remain curious to learn more about both the pros and cons of pageant culture and its impact on individuals, and I hope others will share their thoughts and experiences in the comments below.

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While there are many aspects to pageants besides “beauty” (such as talent, skill, intelligence, personality, and aspiration), the focus seems to be on appearance, glitz, and glam. What is “pretty” and “in shape” has largely been defined by advertisers and the media—and by their questionable standards, the faces and bodies that tend to be the norm in pageants, whether it’s Miss America or Toddlers & Tiaras, are “ideal.” The problem with this is body image can play a huge role in self-esteem, and this intense focus on appearance can give off the impression appearance is everything.

On the contrary, appearance is only one factor among the many different qualities and traits that make us unique and beautiful. Looks are not necessarily something we have much control over. Thus, many people who may not fit the perceived ideal are susceptible to feeling inadequate, flawed, or simply not good enough.

Our society is filled with messages that tell us we should look a certain way or have a certain type of body to be accepted and desirable. The ideals portrayed in advertising and media compel us to make comparisons and fixate over whether we measure up. Pageants render the same type of pressure, along with the added elements of an actual competition and being judged.

Healthy self-esteem is about accepting yourself the way you are. It involves an ability to acknowledge you are uniquely made up of both strengths and weaknesses. It requires you to have a realistic understanding that nobody is perfect; rather, we are all diverse individuals made up of varying gifts and flaws. Healthy self-esteem includes the internalized messages “I am good” and “I am enough.”

While some pageants take into consideration other components via talent and interview categories, there is an overwhelming message that one must first and foremost be physically appealing. Participants may go to great lengths to alter or enhance their appearance. From heavy makeup, to fake eyelashes, to hair extensions, to some pretty extreme things such as plastic surgery and unhealthy dieting practices, many pageant participants engage in behaviors focused on changing themselves to become “more perfect.” The pursuit of perfection is the antithesis to healthy self-esteem.

Healthy self-esteem is about accepting yourself the way you are. It involves an ability to acknowledge you are uniquely made up of both strengths and weaknesses. It requires you to have a realistic understanding that nobody is perfect; rather, we are all diverse individuals made up of varying gifts and flaws. Healthy self-esteem includes the internalized messages “I am good” and “I am enough.”

In contrast, pageants seem to instill messages like “I should be flawless,” “I have to be thin,” and “I need to look and act a certain way to be judged favorably.” When our thought patterns include these rigid and restricting statements, we are set up to feel inadequate and ultimately terrible about ourselves. The idea we have to put so much effort into our appearance and actions to be accepted sends the message we are not good enough as is. This feeling of not being good enough or acceptable creates the foundation of insecurity and low self-esteem.

I especially worry about the effects of pageant culture and its overarching messages on young girls who may not have the resilience, maturity, or life experience to keep the competition and judging in context. If these girls are not also being taught loud and clear messages about possessing inherent worth, appreciating diversity, and understanding beauty, strength, and ability come in all shapes and sizes, they are at real risk of facing a lifetime of problems with low self-esteem, depression, and anxiety.

Perhaps children can be protected from some of the harmful messages and skewed values of pageants if their parents are countering them with healthy conversations and diverse experiences. Cynically, I’m not sure the parents who understand and strive to instill these principles are the ones interested in introducing their kids to pageant culture. But, lacking any real experience with pageant life, I may be missing some of the benefits and am open to hearing other perspectives.

Raising a teenager can be one of the most challenging tasks of parenthood. One day you are raising a sweet, respectful child who loves to be with you, and the next, you are tiptoeing around your house hoping not to wake the bear. At some point during adolescence, many parents will classify interactions with their teen as unpredictable, confrontational, and/or dismissive. It is during these years teens and their parents often feel as though they are speaking different languages. And often, both parents and teens suddenly think talking louder, in a more animated way, will somehow get their points across.

After working with adolescents and their parents for almost a decade, I have found that my initial role as therapist is interpreter. From there, I work to help them learn each other’s languages so they can go back to healthy communication and connection. I have many tools in my toolbox to help parents and teens reconnect, but one of the most profound is validation.

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Validation is the act of acknowledging another person’s thoughts and feelings and communicating to them that those thoughts and feelings make sense and are understandable given the situation. It is important to note validating is not the same as agreeing. Validation is important because it shows you are listening, you understand, and you are approaching the person in a nonjudgmental way.

Now, let us think about validation in terms of interactions with teenagers. When it comes to interacting with their parents, they often feel judged, unheard, and criticized. These perceptions frequently lead to conflict with their parents and/or withdrawal from interactions with them. When parents take time to validate (i.e., listen without judgment), teens often feel more open to having a conversation and more responsive to information being shared by parents.

Validation is disarming and encourages dialogue. In my experience, parents just want to talk with their children. Using validation can open those lines of communication again. Teens like to talk with people whom they feel understand them. The minute they sniff judgment or criticism, they may shut down or lash out. So, leading with validation can encourage connection.

When parents take time to validate (i.e., listen without judgment), teens often feel more open to having a conversation and more responsive to information being shared by parents.

Sounds easy, right? Well, validating a teen can be difficult for parents for many reasons. First, teens can seem somewhat irrational at times, and it can be challenging to find something to validate. Second, after weeks, months, or years of built-up frustrations and disagreements, it can be difficult to want to validate. Third, I have found parents often feel stuck on the idea that by validating they are somehow saying their teen’s behavior is okay and/or they agree with what their teen is saying. However, it is important to remember validation is a form of understanding, not agreeing. By validating, you are not saying your teen is right—you are simply using a tool to help start a dialogue and prevent a potential conflict.

According to Miller, Glinski, Woodberry, Mitchell, and Indik (2002), there are six levels of validation. Jeffrey B. Jackson, PhD, LMFT, adapted these levels and five of the six are shared below.

• Listen: Be attentive and listen in a nonjudgmental way.
• Reflect: Reflect back the thoughts and feelings shared by your teen. This helps them to feel heard. It also prevents miscommunication because they can correct any information they feel you did not hear correctly. It also allows them to hear their own thoughts and feelings out loud and may prompt them to start thinking a bit differently. Example: “I hear you say you are feeling overwhelmed right now because you have a lot of responsibilities.”
• Empathize: Share your best guess about your teen’s unspoken thoughts or feelings. Share how you might feel if you were in their shoes. Example: “If my parents told me they were worried about who I was hanging out with, I might feel angry and judged. Is that how you are feeling?”
• Acknowledge reasons for behavior: Try to reflect an understanding of the reasons for their behaviors. Example: “I can see why you would feel devastated after your friend cut you off. You really valued that friendship and didn’t feel you did anything wrong.”
• Acknowledge courage: Reinforce good judgment and acknowledge personal strength. Example: “It must take a lot of courage for you to try and make the best of this situation and try not to let it get you too upset.”

Think about the last time someone validated you in one of these ways. Didn’t it make you feel good? Didn’t you feel understood? Didn’t it make it feel safe to share more? We all crave validation, teens included. In fact, validation might just be the key to better communication and a happier household.

Reference:

Adapted by Jeffrey B. Jackson, PhD, LMFT from Miller, A.L., Glinski, J., Woodberry, K.A., Mitchell, A.G., & Indik, J. (2002). Family therapy and dialectical behavior therapy with adolescents: Part I: Proposing a clinical synthesis. American Journal of Psychotherapy, 56(4), 568-584.

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I am under 18 and live with my dad and stepmom. I’ve been cutting for almost a year from depression and anxiety and basically not feeling like I want to be here. I HATE the idea of seeing a therapist and “talking about my feelings,” but apparently the school counselor told my dad I needed to see someone outside the school for help. The school counselor doesn’t know about the cutting, but I’ve talked to him a bit because apparently I have “anger issues.”

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So now my dad and stepmother are looking up therapists for me to go see. I really don’t want to talk to anyone about my “issues,” but it’s getting hard to cover the marks on my arms and legs and I don’t know how to stop cutting. And also I know they’re just going to keep me in therapy longer if I refuse to talk. But I REALLY don’t want my parents to know about me cutting myself or the suicidal thoughts I sometimes have. Can I get through counseling without my parents finding out about it? How much is the counselor going to tell my parents about what I say in therapy? —Under Rage

Dear Under Rage,

These are good questions to ask any therapist you see. Find out from them what their policies are regarding confidentiality with people in therapy under 18. Much of what they say will depend on legal and ethical guidelines based on where they live and what kind of license they have. When I work with people under the age of 18, I discuss in great detail with both the young person and the parents what those guidelines are. That allows everyone to have the same understanding and expectation about how the process works. It also allows the young person to decide how much to share with me and to be aware of what my responsibilities to report are.

Most professionals are obligated to report when a person in therapy, regardless of age, is in imminent danger. That danger could be significant risk of suicide or conditions of abuse/neglect. Thoughts of suicide alone, however, do not necessarily trigger a mandated report—it depends on the circumstances. There are many people who have such thoughts but no intention or plan on following through. What is essential, however, is that anyone who is struggling with thoughts of suicide finds sources of support with whom they can talk. A trusted therapist is a great option. There are also national hotlines where you can reach out for support 24/7.

I hear the frustration in your message about all that the adults in your world “apparently” believe to be true for you. Instead, look at what YOU can get out of this experience. You can have a voice and share your truth with someone.

I’ve worked with a number of people who also HATED the idea of talking about their feelings. Usually that stems from a place of fearing they would be judged, a massive discomfort with feeling vulnerable and exposed, and a reluctance to trust someone they don’t know well. All of those feelings are natural. I can share with you that all of those people, in their own time, came to trust me and the process. When you find a therapist you can work with, who allows you to share at your own pace, who offers you a safe place to speak your truth without fear of being judged, counseling can be an amazing experience.

If I can offer you a suggestion, don’t reject therapy completely because it feels like something being “done” to you. I hear the frustration in your message about all that the adults in your world “apparently” believe to be true for you. Instead, look at what YOU can get out of this experience. You can have a voice and share your truth with someone. You can get support for the anger, anxiety, and depression you say you’ve been feeling for a year now. You can have support in finding alternative strategies beyond cutting to cope with the intensity of the feelings you have. You can be seen. You can be heard.

Nobody can make you share what you aren’t willing to share. You are right, though, that refusing to talk or engage will likely limit your choices and your control over your situation. So, how can you engage in ways that work for you? Ask your potential therapist the tough questions about confidentiality and how they manage those issues. Find out if your parents are willing to let you take part in the process of choosing a therapist. Many professionals have directory profiles and websites that can tell you a bit about what they might be like to work with. I’ve had people meet me first before deciding to work with me. Many therapists are very willing to meet to assess fit, as we know a good fit leads to more positive outcomes. You might just find someone you can open up to who can offer relief from what you’ve been feeling.

Best of luck,

Erika

Preschool-age children who frequently engage with superhero culture—by watching superhero movies or dressing like superheroes—may be more likely to behave aggressively, according to a study published in the Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology.

In movies and comics, superheroes are often defenders of the underdog. Parents may turn to superhero culture to encourage children to stand up to bullies. According to the study, this choice may be misguided. Findings showed children who invested in superhero culture were not more likely than their peers to stand up for bullied children, but they were more likely to act aggressively in general.

Does Superhero Culture Make Children Aggressive?

Researchers interviewed 240 preschoolers and their parents. Forty-nine percent of the participating children were male, and 51% were female.

Parents answered questions about their children’s engagement with superhero culture, including how frequently they watched superhero shows and whether they identified with superheroes. Parents also provided data about their children’s behavior. Interviewers asked the children to identify 10 superheroes. The children also identified their favorite superhero and explained why they chose that character.

[fat_widget_right]Children were more likely to list superhero merchandise (26%) than interpersonal characteristics (20%) as justification for liking a particular superhero. Ten percent of children who pointed to a superhero’s characteristics highlighted their defending skills, and 20% specifically listed superhero violence. Seventy percent listed non-violent characteristics, such as a superhero’s strength or skills.

A year after the initial analysis of a child’s identification with superhero culture, researchers assessed children’s aggression based on parental reports. Children who identified with superheroes were more likely to be relationally and physically aggressive. Compared to peers who were less invested in superheroes, the children did not show more prosocial behavior such as defending children against bullies.

Understanding the Effects of Superhero Culture

The study did not directly assess why children who like superheroes tend to exhibit more aggressive behavior, and did not establish a clear causal connection. However, its authors hypothesize that the complexity of superhero narratives might partially explain the violence. Superhero stories are often complex, but preschoolers may not understand the complexities behind the violence or aggression they witness. As a result, they may latch onto violence as the dominant theme of superhero narratives.

The study’s authors do not recommend forbidding access to superheroes. They suggest instead that parents adopt a moderate approach, finding ways to focus on more positive aspects of superhero culture and encouraging children to develop a wide range of interests.

References:

1. Coyne, S. M., Stockdale, L., Linder, J. R., Nelson, D. A., Collier, K. M., & Essig, L. W. (2017). Pow! Boom! Kablam! Effects of viewing superhero programs on aggressive, prosocial, and defending behaviors in preschool children. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology. doi:10.1007/s10802-016-0253-6
2. Superhero culture magnifies aggressive, not defending behaviors. (2017, January 11). Retrieved from https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2017/01/170111131122.htm

Sexual harassment is common in middle school, according to research published in the journal Children and Youth Services Review. Although 43% of middle schoolers reported experiencing verbal sexual harassment, few bullying programs address this highly prevalent form of bullying.

According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (DHS), 28% of adolescents in grades 6-12 experience bullying, suggesting sexual harassment may be more common than traditional bullying.

Sexual Harassment in Middle School

The study followed 1,300 children in Illinois for five years, beginning in middle school. Verbal sexual harassment was the most prevalent form of harassment in the group. Twenty-one percent of students reported experiencing physical forms of sexual harassment, including sexual assault. Fourteen percent of students were victims of sexual rumors, and 9% had been the subject of sexual graffiti in locker rooms and bathrooms.

Sixteen percent of students reported homophobic harassment such as name-calling and jokes, and 5% said they frequently experienced this form of harassment.

[fat_widget_right]An open-ended portion of the survey asked students to report their most upsetting experiences with sexual harassment. Many students minimized the seriousness of their experiences, with 14% saying the bullying was “not really sexual harassment.” Many claimed the perpetrators were just joking. Despite this dismissiveness, students still reported finding their experiences very upsetting.

Sexual Harassment and Bullying

Boys were significantly more likely to be sexual harassers, whether their targets were male or female. Boys who experienced sexual harassment often reported that the perpetrators were close friends. Harassment was most common in school hallways. Classrooms, locker rooms, gym class, and lunch rooms were also common sexual harassment locations.

African-American students often reported harassment from older students and romantic partners. White students experienced more victimization at the hands of their friends and same-age peers.

The study highlights the role of sexual harassment in bullying, while pointing to the dearth of anti-sexual harassment training in most anti-bullying programs. The study’s authors say the dismissive attitude many students have toward sexual harassment is especially troubling and should be addressed by anti-bullying initiatives.

References:

1. Espelage, D. L., Hong, J. S., Rinehart, S., & Doshi, N. (2016). Understanding types, locations, & perpetrators of peer-to-peer sexual harassment in U.S. middle schools: A focus on sex, racial, and grade differences. Children and Youth Services Review, 71, 174-183. doi:10.1016/j.childyouth.2016.11.010
2. Facts about bullying. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.stopbullying.gov/news/media/facts/#listing
3. Sexual harassment common among middle school children, study finds. (2016, December 9). Retrieved from https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2016/12/161209184825.htm

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

My 5-year-old is a generally happy and sweet kid, but I have been noticing lately that her play can get pretty violent. She can be aggressive sometimes and say things like, “Let’s pretend to punch each other.” When we play together, she wants there to be “good guys” and “bad guys” and have them fight—and sometimes kill—each other. She builds guns and other weapons with Legos and uses them to have fights with her toys, gleefully informing me when one or another of her toys “dies.”

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Her dad and I don’t let her watch violent shows, so I don’t know where she is getting this—from other kids at school or from watching shows at her grandparents’ house, maybe? I’m worried whatever exposure she’s getting to weapons and violence is going to be harmful. I’ve tried to talk with her about it, but I’m not sure I’m using the right words. It’s really difficult for me to hear her play-act violence without saying anything, but I don’t want her to think she’s being “bad,” because I know she isn’t. How can I talk to her about this? —Puzzled Parent

Dear Puzzled Parent,

As a therapist, I want to let you know that this experience is common, and, actually, developmentally appropriate. As a parent, however, I remember being concerned myself when my happy (sheltered) kid started playing in this way. It may be that your daughter is hearing or watching kids on the playground, or perhaps has seen shows, but often it is hard to pinpoint a specific source of inspiration. Many kids, at some point, explore themes of aggression, violence, and death through their play.

I think in all of this it can be helpful to remember the true function of play. Children play to explore their world, to experience in fantasy things they might not experience in real life, and to try things out safely. It is not unusual for kids, particularly rule-following kids, to embrace the role of “bad guy” in their play. For young children who are not often in control of their world, what greater relief and excitement is there than to play-act as the ultimate rule-breakers? Also, children are naturally curious about life and death and how everything works. Play-acting the death of their toys is one way they process safely any fears or concerns they might have or try to make a big concept feel controllable.

The glee you describe in your little girl may simply be a reflection of the joy of being in complete control of her universe. She is all-powerful. How fun is that? As long as these impulses are expressed through play and not manifesting in aggressive, hurtful behavior beyond playtime, there is likely little to be concerned about.

There’s also a somewhat innate destructive urge that can be seen in any toddler on a beach relishing their demolition of a sand castle. The glee you describe in your little girl may simply be a reflection of the joy of being in complete control of her universe. She is all-powerful. How fun is that? As long as these impulses are expressed through play and not manifesting in aggressive, hurtful behavior beyond playtime, there is likely little to be concerned about.

You are right not to want her to think she is being “bad” by engaging in this play. One helpful approach is to express curiosity. For example, you might ask her why she wants to pretend to “punch each other.” You can engage in some complicated, choreographed, slow-motion “fights” that could actually be fun and enjoyable for both of you, while talking with her about why you would never actually harm each other in real life. You can also ask her what happens to a toy when it “dies” and explore her understanding of what that means. Asking her to tell you what it means to be a “bad guy” or a “good guy” can give you some insight into her developing sense of morality—and even if she chooses to be the “bad guy” in play, that doesn’t mean she actually embraces the dark side.

It is natural as a parent to worry about all that our children will be exposed to when they are not in our care, and yet, as they get older, more and more of their time will be spent beyond the walls of our homes. We can’t prevent them from hearing and seeing things we might not like. What we can do is equip them to handle their experiences. Ongoing conversations about what we believe is important, how we believe we should treat people, and what impact our words and actions have on others around us can help our children navigate the various messages they receive.

If your child remains generally happy, sweet, loving, and able to express empathy, it is likely she is using this play in healthy, developmentally appropriate ways. It is also likely a phase that will pass. If, however, you see some concerning behaviors going beyond the scope of play, you may want to consult with a child therapist to address those concerns. Your child’s teacher can also be a great source of information about how your daughter’s behavior at school compares with what you see at home, as well putting it in context with the other 5-year-olds in her school.

Best of luck,

Erika

For those who celebrate Christmas, lying to children about the existence of Santa could harm parents’ relationships with their children, according to an essay published in The Lancet Psychiatry. In the piece, mental health researcher Kathy McKay and psychologist Christopher Boyle suggest parents may be motivated by a desire to return to their own childhoods. This means lying about Santa may not be a protective lie, and may instead erode children’s trust in their parents.

How Santa Affects Parent-Child Relationships

The two authors suggest parents may encourage children to believe in Santa as a way of reliving their own childhoods. Though this can be fun and nostalgic for parents, the lie may ultimately harm their relationship with their children.

Many parents teach their children lying is wrong, but children eventually find out Santa is not real. This can spur confusion and conflict. When children discover the lie, they may wonder what other lies their parents have told, the authors say.

[fat_widget_right]McKay and Boyle believe it is sometimes appropriate for parents to lie to protect their children. For example, rather than providing potentially upsetting details about the death of a pet, parents might conceal the death. In contrast, the authors say lying about Santa does not protect children. Because a child’s belief in Santa can make parents feel good, parents may be undermining their long-term credibility to feel a sense of magic for a few years.

Grace Malonai, PhD, LPCC, DCC, a psychologist who specializes in parenting, agrees that parental deception can undermine trust.

“Some children might gain cherished memories of St. Nick, while others might gain a sense of distrust in their parents and their world view,” Malonai said. “Highly sensitive, gifted, or other neuro-atypically developing children, such as those with autism, might be especially vulnerable to this type of parental deception.”

Parents’ Views on Santa

In 2011, the Associated Press and GFK Roper Public Affairs & Corporate Communications sponsored a survey of the general population that inquired about views on Santa. Eighty-four percent of parents said they had once believed in Santa. This supports the notion that parents nurture a belief in Santa partially because of fond memories from their childhoods.

Two-thirds of families called Santa an “important” part of Christmas. Conflicted feelings about Santa were also common, with nearly half of respondents arguing Santa detracts from the religious meaning of Christmas.

Expert Insight on Navigating the Myth of Santa

Malonai believes it is important for parents to consider family values in conjunction with their children’s sometimes differing personalities and traits.

“If you wish to uphold the idea of Father Christmas, choose your words wisely,” Maloani said. “Instead of outright lying, share stories of longstanding traditions and cultural heritage.”

Kathy Hardie-Williams, MEd, MS, NCC, LPC, LMFT, a therapist and former teacher who treats children and parents, endorses a similar approach.

“Children can enjoy Santa as a fictional character without being lied to by their parents,” Hardie-Williams said. “Just as children enjoy their favorite fairy-tale characters and even ‘meet them’ in Disneyland and in Disney World, children understand that their favorite fairy-tale character is not literal. I believe the same approach is effective when presenting the character of Santa Claus to children. Although not the intention, I believe the emotional impact of parents lying to children could be harmful. I believe it’s healthier to encourage children to enjoy the ‘magic’ of Santa Claus and Christmas by perceiving Santa as a fictional character within the context of telling a story.”

References:

1. Boyle, C., & McKay, K. (2016). A wonderful lie. The Lancet Psychiatry, 3(12), 1110-1111. doi:10.1016/s2215-0366(16)30363-7
2. Should parents lie to children about Santa? (2016, November 25). Retrieved from https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2016/11/161125104818.htm
3. The AP-GFK Poll [PDF]. (2011, December). Associated Press–GFK Roper Public Affairs & Corporate Communications.

From the time children are born, they count on their parents to provide a sense of safety as they learn about the complex world around them. When a parent dies, it may create intense emotional upheaval for children old enough to understand what has happened. Often, children do not know what to do with those feelings. Surviving parents, guardians, and other adults have a difficult task in helping such children process their grief and move forward.

Perhaps the most important thing anyone can offer a child who has lost a parent is time. Grief does not happen on a specific timetable, and the process of grieving may look very different from one child to the next.

In addition, adults can encourage children to share their feelings safely and without judgment. It is helpful to refrain from using words such as “should” or “should not” when talking to children about a loss or trauma they experienced. Adults can also facilitate a sense of togetherness or shared struggle to ensure children do not feel alone in their grief, and encourage compassion and support among other kids or people in the child’s life.

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The specific challenges facing children who have lost a parent include:

• Accepting the significance of the loss (it changes them forever)
• Allowing the grief process to unfold on their own terms as they work through painful feelings
• Transitioning into an environment where the parent is no longer physically present
• Maintaining a sense of connection with the lost parent while allowing themselves to live their life

Surviving parents have the unique challenge of providing support for their children as well as processing their own grief. Some parents may feel inclined to grieve in private, believing it is in the children’s best interests to shield them from displays of pain. However, it is appropriate and healthy to allow children to see adults grieving because it signals that is okay to feel the impact of the loss and to openly express their own grief. The objective is to help children understand they are loved, supported, and far from alone in the grieving process.

Often one of the biggest challenges children face when they lose a parent is to accept that they may be experiencing many different feelings. This is normal, and it’s important for children to know that. It can be confusing when they feel emotions such as anger and yet miss their parent at the same time. Children may believe it’s better not to show emotion and that if they don’t, they may be able to forget about the parent they lost or forget the pain they feel. Caring adults need to let children know that when someone they love dies, it’s important to remember them and cherish the positive memories they have.

It’s important to help children understand that the goal is not to “get over” what happened, but to move toward acceptance. They will never get over it; the loss of a parent changes a child from that point on.

It’s important to help children understand that the goal is not to “get over” what happened, but to move toward acceptance. They will never get over it; the loss of a parent changes a child from that point on.

Adults often find it difficult to know what to say to children who have lost a parent. Others may be wary of bringing up difficult feelings in children or reopening emotional wounds. As a result, the topic may be avoided altogether, creating an “elephant in the room” effect and contributing to feelings of isolation.

The primary goals for caring adults in the lives of children who have lost a parent are to encourage them to accept their feelings rather than push them away and to offer support whenever it is needed. Often during the grief process, children will move back and forth through the various stages of grief. Being available to listen whenever they’re ready to talk may be what is most comforting to them.

Ultimately, children need to know that there is no “right way” to get through the grief process. Everyone experiences it differently, and children should be encouraged not to judge themselves if the way they experience their grief is different from the way someone else does.