Mother scolds teen who looks away, sitting on sofa, rubbing forehead in irritationLet’s face it: no one likes conflict, especially conflict with people we love and care about. Unfortunately, conflict is inevitable in relationships, especially in parent-child relationships. Parent-child conflict is, in fact, a frequent reason families seek therapy. Often, parents and children state that conflict in the home is stressful, uncomfortable, upsetting, and angering. Conflict is difficult because it typically leaves both parties feeling emotionally flooded, hurt, and hesitant about future connections with the other person. Conflict and the feelings related to conflict, if left unresolved, can linger for days or weeks and may seep into other relationships within the family.

For many families, the goal is to get rid of conflict altogether. For parents, this sometimes turns into a permissive parenting style characterized by poor boundaries, rules, and consequences for fear of inciting conflict. For kids, this can turn into anxiety or a perfectionist tendency in an effort to decrease the negativity surrounding the conflict. Either way, these strategies often lead to unhealthy dynamics and future problems. While it is always preferable to use healthy communication strategies to keep conflict to a minimum, a healthy relationship is ultimately defined less by the frequency of conflict and more by the repair strategies each person uses and is open to receiving.

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What is a repair attempt? Dr. John Gottman talks a lot about repair attempts in his work with couples. These same strategies can be successfully used in all sorts of relationships, including parent-child relationships. According to Gottman (1999), a repair attempt is “any statement or action—silly or otherwise—that prevents negativity from escalating out of control” (p. 22). He suggests people in healthy relationships repair early and often and are both able to make repair attempts and receive repair attempts.

Below are some examples of repair attempts that you can use at home as a parent or child.

  1. Validate the other person’s emotions. Letting the other person know you hear them and validate their feelings and experience can go a long way to decreasing conflict. Both parents and children often express feeling misunderstood and dismissed by the other. By validating, you are saying, “I hear you” and “I care about your feelings.”
    • For kids: A lot of times, your parents may feel taken for granted, invisible, and that you don’t care how they feel. By validating their emotions, it can decrease their anger, hurt feelings, and potential defensiveness. Remember, your parents are people with feelings too.
    • For parents: How many times have you heard kids say no one understands them? Well, that might be due in part to the fact adults don’t always do a good job validating their feelings. By validating your child’s feelings, you are communicating to them that you want to understand them and are there for them no matter how they are feeling.
  2. Take responsibility and apologize. Taking responsibility and apologizing for your role in a situation or conflict can go a long way to deescalating a situation.
    • For kids: Usually parents just want to hear you know what you did wrong, that you take responsibility for your choice, and you have learned not to repeat the behavior. The sooner you can take ownership of your piece, the quicker the conflict will end.
    • For parents: Kids often believe parents don’t apologize or see how they can make poor choices too. It can be powerful for kids to hear a parent apologize and take ownership of their mistakes. You are also modeling for your kids the importance of this skill.
  3. Use Gottman’s “stop action” strategies. Gottman has some great strategies to stop conflict in its place before someone gets flooded or things escalate too far. Although it is important for parents to be able to initiate and model these skills, kids can also learn to recognize when they are becoming overwhelmed and ask for a break. Remember, these are not strategies to avoid conflict but rather allow each person to calm down and revisit the conversation from a better, calmer place. Gottman (1999) gives the following examples (p. 175):

Remind yourself to listen to the other person’s words, not just their tone, and embrace a repair attempt when it has been presented. When in doubt, seek support from a therapist.

  1. Try to see things from the other person’s perspective. Along with validating, putting yourself in the other person’s shoes and seeing the conflict from their perspective can help move a disagreement along to a healthy resolution.
    • For kids: Even though it may feel at times parents are being unfair, most of the time their rules, consequences, and boundaries are coming from a place of love and protection. For example, if you are arguing over curfew, it can be helpful to put yourself in their shoes and recognize they are not setting a curfew just to make you angry, but rather to make sure you are safe. Try saying something like, “I know you have a curfew for me because you love me and are trying to keep me safe. I am grateful for that. However, I feel I am at an age where a later curfew is appropriate.” By saying this, you are validating their concerns while sharing your position.
    • For parents: Again, kids often feel misunderstood. And let’s be honest, sometimes it can be hard to understand their motivations and/or choices. However, if you take a moment to reframe their behavior and put yourself in their shoes, you might find this new understanding helps you both reach a positive resolution. For example, if you are arguing over phone usage, you might recognize how important peer connection is in their life. You might say something like, “I know your friends are important to you and your phone is the best way to stay connected outside of school. I understand that limiting your usage makes you worry that you will miss out on important things. However, we feel strongly that cellphones be turned off at 9 p.m. so you get good sleep. Maybe we can make more of an effort to get you together with friends after school or on the weekends.” By using this repair strategy, your child may feel heard and that there are options to get their needs met.
  2. Ask what the other person needs and/or share what you need in the moment. You can share your feelings and needs with “I” statements (i.e., “I am feeling blamed and defensive right now and could really use a break”). You can also ask the other person what they need (i.e., “It seems like you are feeling really upset right now. Would it help to take a break and come back to this when we are both calmer?”). Again, this strategy can help initiate a much-needed cool-down period.
  3. Use humor. Humor is a good strategy to deescalate conflict. One way you can use humor is through a funny code/safe word you both come up with to identify when conflict is getting out of hand. When things are calm, work together to think of a funny word or phrase that either one of you can use when you are feeling flooded during conflict. Use of this word during conflict should signify it is time to use those self-regulation skills or take a break until you are calmer. Sometimes, it may just get the two of you laughing.

It is important to note that sometimes these repair attempts don’t come across in the clearest or gentlest way. Therefore, it is important not only to make an effort to use them appropriately, but to be on the lookout for them from the other person. This can be especially difficult when your relationship is fraught with negativity. Remind yourself to listen to the other person’s words, not just their tone, and embrace a repair attempt when it has been presented. When in doubt, seek support from a therapist to help you learn and practice some of these skills. Therapy can be a great place to begin to identify and practice potential repair strategies for use at home.

Reference:

Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York, NY: Three Rivers Press.

Father and son spending time togetherParents of autistic children often participate in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to address emotional and behavioral concerns in their children. According to a study published in the Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, parents who attended CBT with their children experienced improvements in their own mental health.

In the standard model of therapy for autistic children, parents are usually not active participants. They are often in a separate room. For this study, researchers asked parents to act as co-therapists, directly involving them in the process.

CBT is a type of therapy that aims to alleviate distress by correcting and redirecting automatic thoughts and behaviors. Therapists work with people in therapy to help them better manage emotional distress and to change problematic behavioral habits.

CBT: Benefits for Parents and Children

For the study, researchers recruited 57 autistic children between ages 8 and 12. None of the children had co-occurring intellectual disabilities.

[fat_widget_right]Some parents were randomly assigned to serve as co-therapists during their children’s CBT sessions. Another group was placed on a waitlist. As co-therapists, parents practiced emotional and behavioral regulation strategies alongside their children. They also wrote down their children’s thoughts during therapy activities.

Compared to waitlisted parents, the parents who acted as co-therapists experienced improvements on a wide range of mental health measures. They had fewer symptoms of depression, were more adept at regulating their own emotions, and were more mindful parents with better perceptions of their children. Because CBT often cultivates mindfulness and supports emotional regulation, these improvements are likely a direct result of the parents’ involvement in their children’s therapy.

CBT as a Tool for Understanding Autistic Children

Parents who participated in their children’s therapy felt the experience improved their understanding of their children. Writing down their children’s feelings and participating in therapy sessions with their children may have helped some parents better understand their children’s challenges.

“It created a very safe, predictable approach for my son,” said Jessica Jannarone, a parent who participated in the program, in an interview posted to YouTube. “I could hear firsthand from his own perspective and his words what it felt like to be him sometimes and to work on coping skills together. The difference it’s made in the last year is more than has happened in the past 10 for us.”

References:

  1. Effects of cognitive behavior therapy on parents of children with autism. (2017, August 1). Retrieved from https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2017/08/170801131221.htm
  2. Maughan, A. L., & Weiss, J. A. (2017). Parental outcomes following participation in cognitive behavior therapy for children with autism spectrum disorder. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders. doi:10.1007/s10803-017-3224-z

Rear view of mother with arm around daughter's waist on balcony looking over city13 Reasons Why is a runaway hit with teens and tweens. Here’s what you need to know and how to discuss the controversial topics it introduces (and doesn’t always handle responsibly) with your kids.

Netflix’s 13 Reasons Why glamorizes suicide to a vulnerable audience. It sends the troublesome message that if you are not able to find your voice in life but are thoughtful about planning your death, you can bring about justice and have the last word from beyond.

What a way to stick it to the people who contributed to your decision to end your life.

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The teen years are fraught with challenges. Unfortunately, bullying, sexual objectification, and unstable relationships are some of the issues adolescent girls often face. The show’s protagonist, Hannah Baker, experienced a series of heinous assaults—on her character and her body—at the hands of her peers.

Parents, classmates, and school faculty were not there for her, as she needed them to be. She handled her pain by ending her life at age 17. She was a bright girl with a dark sense of humor and unknown potential.

Instead of seeking help, she spent the last week of her life crafting an elaborate scavenger hunt as a legacy to teach the people who had hurt her a lesson. She channeled energy that could have saved her life into planning her death and the events that would follow.

I see teens in my private therapy practice. Many of them are watching this show, which makes suicide dangerously relatable and depicts it as a form of self-expression. I fear we are going to see a surge in teen suicidality.

Suicide is the second-leading cause of death among young people ages 15 to 24. More than 5,000 people in that age group die by suicide every year in the United States. Graphic depictions of suicide have been shown to exacerbate suicidal ideation in already troubled teens, particularly if the act is portrayed as imaginative and brave. Adolescents who think everyone paid attention to the pretty, misunderstood girl from 13 Reasons Why may be tempted to follow her lead.

The show shines a light on the damaging “butterfly effect” the self-serving actions of insecure high school students jockeying for social status can cause. It opens up an important conversation about “slut-shaming” and sexual assault. But it fails to let teens know suicide is not an appropriate response to tragic circumstances.

As it is, too many teens struggle with depression and suicidality made worse by the cruel politics of high school. This show gives them an out of sorts, painting suicide as an opportunity to be immortalized in death.

Her suffering makes her a heroine—maybe even a modern-day martyr. But is that really the message we want our kids to take away? That if they are clever enough about the way in which they plan their untimely death, they will make an impact in a way that would never have been possible if they had struggled through it and lived?

What does this show teach kids about the value of their lives?

Hannah Baker made audiotapes and began a chain, arranging to have them delivered to each person she holds responsible for contributing to her suicide. She declares each one guilty in a posthumous trial, shaming them among their peers and riddling them with fear of social, academic, and legal consequences if word gets out about what they did.

She lives on as a narrator, almost as if she is watching her classmates’ lives unravel in response to the information she disseminates among the group. She is the “star” of the show.

Teens need to understand if they end their lives, they are not going to be watching anything unfold, and they are not going to be the star of any show. That’s it. Game over. Pain over but also opportunity over. No witty voiceover or indie soundtrack. Life over. Once she decided to end her life, it seems Hannah took more pains to plan for events after her death than to seek a reason to live.

High school can be vicious. At this treacherous developmental stage, fitting in can seem like life and death. Kids betray friends to avoid humiliation, impress peers, and secure their place in the social hierarchy. Add to that the rapid changes occurring in the body and brain, the pressures of navigating dating and sexuality, worries about grades, extracurricular activities, college, and family issues, and it’s a perfect storm of stress.

Teens need to understand if they end their lives, they are not going to be watching anything unfold and they are not going to be the star of any show. That’s it. Game over. Pain over but also opportunity over. No witty voiceover or indie soundtrack. Life over.

But the answer is not to opt out. And this needs to be made clear to a population susceptible to self-doubt and impulsivity. Adolescents’ developing brains cannot fully grasp the impact of their actions, rendering them prone to ill-conceived decisions.

Most choices can be remedied and may serve as valuable lessons. But utilizing one’s suicide as an intricate revenge fantasy? Teens need to recognize this irreversible act will not bring the satisfaction they imagine. Despite her voiceover implying otherwise, Hannah Baker did not live to see the impact of her tapes.

The teen years can be agonizing. One out of six high school students seriously considers suicide. The message needs to be made clear. Once you take your life, there is no coming back. There is no chance to use your pain to create something beautiful, to use your empathy to offer people friendship or hope, or to triumph over those insecure, self-important kids who stepped on you to prop themselves up.

There is no realizing they cross your mind less and less as you find contentment, fulfillment, and connection with people who are not fixated on their own image, or that there are no more cool kids—life after high school is about finding your passions and people who uplift you.

With many teens viewing media on their personal devices, it is challenging to stay on top of what your kids are seeing, but it’s important to know what is influencing them. None of the teens’ parents in the show have a real sense of what is going on in their lives while they make savage, illegal, and, in Hannah’s case, fatal decisions.

Teens don’t tell their parents everything. It’s stage-appropriate for them to reject their parents’ ideas and carve out their own identities, but you have a responsibility to engage with your kids and know their friends. Encourage them to share their goals and setbacks with you.

Pay attention.

There are clues when something is wrong, but you have to look for them. How are their grades? What do they do with their free time? Which activities are they involved in? What are their interests? How is their mood? Who are their friends?

13 Reasons Why raises a lot of serious issues worth discussing, but it dangerously romanticizes suicide and elevates it to a heroic act. Though Netflix does not release ratings data, it is the most-tweeted-about television show of 2017, making it clear this is a cultural phenomenon.

Since your kids may have watched it already, use it to talk to them about bullying, depression, feelings of isolation, and suicidality. Ask them what they think about choosing to end one’s life and what they would do if they felt hopeless. Offer them counseling, whether it’s the guidance counselor at school, a community counseling center, a private practice therapist, or a teen group.

Frame it as a resource to be utilized when they struggle and remind them they can come to you, no matter how concerned they may be about your reaction. Let them know you love them unconditionally and are there to help in any way you can. Ask how they are doing if they appear to be hurting. They may not share with you because they think you aren’t interested or you’ll criticize or worry.

Create a climate that lets them know you care and want to support them without passing judgment or trying to live their lives for them. Talk to your kids and let them know it gets better and help is available.

Sometimes the most difficult choice is to struggle on, but all emotions are time-limited. Just as there were joyful moments in the past, there will again be moments that make life worthwhile. Hardships provide us contrast with which to appreciate them and with the tools to grow resilient.

If you are feeling suicidal, or know someone in crisis, please reach out for help. The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is 988.

References:

  1. Gould, M. S., & Lake, A. M. (2013, February 6). The contagion of suicidal behavior. Contagion of violence: Workshop summary. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK207262
  2. Holmes, L. (2017, July 18). Netflix shows are sparking conversation about mental health. But is it helping? Huffpost. Retrieved from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/netflix-mental-health_us_5968f080e4b03389bb16f500?utm_content=buffereed8d&utm_medium=social&utm_source=twitter.com&utm_campaign=buffer
  3. Koebler, J. (2013, May 21). Study: Suicidal thoughts are ‘contagious’ in teens. U.S. News. Retrieved from https://www.usnews.com/news/articles/2013/05/21/study-suicidal-thoughts-are-contagious-in-teens
  4. Statistics about youth suicide. (n.d.). Youth suicide prevention program. Retrieved from https://yspp.org/about_suicide/statistics.htm
  5. Stoek, A. V., McCauley, E., Flynn, C., & Stone, A. (2010, December 1). Thoughts of death and suicide in early adolescence. Suicide and life-threatening behavior. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2819538

mother and child pretending to fly outsideChildren who grow up in two-parent families and those who grow up with mothers who choose single parenting fare equally well, according to a study presented at the 33rd annual meeting of the European Society of Human Reproduction and Embryology.

In 1981, Jane Mattes, LCSW, founded the Single Mothers by Choice organization. Mattes developed the organization in part to differentiate older, financially stable single mothers from teen mothers, who typically face a range of sociological and economic challenges. Since 1981, the number of single women who choose to have children has grown. According to data from the 2012 U.S. Census, 30% of American households are headed by single parents. Most of those parents are mothers.

No Difference in Outcomes for Children with Single Mothers by Choice

Some politicians and policy analysts have argued that single motherhood endangers children. This study undermines that claim. It included 69 single mothers by choice and 59 mothers who raised their children in heterosexual two-parent families. The mothers’ children were between 1.5 and 6 years old.

[fat_widget_right]Using three empirically validated questionnaires, the study compared children’s well-being and mothers’ support networks between single and two-parent families. In both types of families, there were no significant differences in emotional investment, parental stress, or problem behaviors in children. Additionally, single mothers reported receiving significantly more social support. They were also more likely to report wanting even more social support.

Previous Research on Single Parenting

According to study author Mathilde Brewaeys, policy analysts often base their single parenting research primarily on children of divorce. These children often face an environment of family conflict, making their lives and potential outcomes much different from those of children raised by women who actively choose solo parenting.

Previous research has reached similar conclusions. A 2016 study of 51 single-mother families and 52 dual-parent families found no substantive differences in child adjustment, parent-child relationships, and similar measures of well-being.

References:

  1. Children in single-mother-by-choice families do just as well as those in two-parent families. (2017, July 5). Retrieved from https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2017/07/170705095332.htm
  2. Golombok, S., Zadeh, S., Imrie, S., Smith, V., & Freeman, T. (2016). Single mothers by choice: Mother-child relationships and children’s psychological adjustment. Journal of Family Psychology, 30(4), 409-418. doi:10.1037/fam0000188

AdobeStock 423899456Recently there has been an increasing trend in my practice of parents reaching out to help their adolescents manage their emotions. Parents often tell me, “My teen goes from zero to sixty, seemingly without any provocation. Nothing I say seems to help. Discipline doesn’t have an impact.”

I think we all must remember that being a teen is not something most of us would like to repeat. It’s difficult to manage the various changes that happen all at once—physical changes, emotional changes, life changes. During the teen years, the brain develops at such a rapid pace that it puts the limbic system into fight, flight, or freeze mode. When the brain is in this mode, it is less able to access executive functions such as reason, logic, or the ability to use good judgment.

In addition to that, it’s also essential to consider the many things life throws in a teen’s path that can result in trauma, anxiety, depression, or general distress. In trying to navigate social situations, bullies and other stressors, school, various other responsibilities, and home life, as well as beginning (or continuing) the process of self-discovery, teens have a full plate indeed.

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Developing Skills To Manage Emotions

Fortunately there are skills teens can learn to help manage their emotions and the many changes they are facing. Managing emotions is one of the most important life skills a person can develop. I work with many adults who became stuck in adolescence while trying to learn to manage their emotions. As a result, they find their adult relationships difficult to navigate at times.

I believe one of the most important strategies to develop in managing emotions is the ability to identify feelings. Sometimes teens find it difficult to let themselves know what they are feeling, or perhaps they simply don’t know how to identify their feelings. Once they are able to identify and articulate their feelings, vulnerability comes into play, but often the vulnerability piece is avoided because of fear of rejection. Defense mechanisms such as criticism, defensiveness, blaming others, shutting down, or using anger to intimidate are some of the strategies teens may resort to in order to save face.

Learning to Accept Feelings

I believe it’s also of great importance for teens to learn how to accept their feelings. I often work with teenagers who want me to tell them how to make their charged emotions go away. I sometimes ask, “What would happen if you accepted your feelings?” The notion of accepting feelings is not one that is often seen as an option. What I see more often in teenagers is the underlying belief that if the feelings are accepted, they are settling for feeling that way on an ongoing basis.

I remind teens that emotions are not necessarily reality. Emotions can cloud the big picture, and when teens succumb to their emotions, they may lose perspective on what is real. I often encourage teens to pay attention to their self-talk. What do they say to themselves about their feelings? Self-talk is very powerful, and most of us engage in more negative self-talk than positive self-talk. Teens are no exception. But I encourage teens to give themselves permission to have their feelings, to stay in the moment (stay present) and to “be” with their feelings, even the ones that are uncomfortable. Doing so requires teens to learn to be mindful and intentional in processing their feelings and also to learn how to self-soothe. I encourage teens to give themselves permission to have their feelings, to stay in the moment (stay present) and to “be” with their feelings, even the ones that are uncomfortable. Doing so requires teens to learn to be mindful and intentional in processing their feelings and also to learn how to self-soothe.

Teens are often faced with things that are beyond their control, and this can result in anxiety, which is based in fear. What cannot be controlled may produce fear. The ability to discern what can be controlled and what cannot be controlled is important, and teens may find it beneficial to learn how to discern and then let go of what cannot be controlled. Admittedly, this is much easier said than done!

I also advocate for teens to find appropriate ways to express their feelings, negative and positive. Feelings must be released somehow, and the key for teens is to find ways to express them using techniques that will not harm them or anyone else.

There are numerous appropriate techniques teens can use to express their feelings:

The Empty Chair Technique

The empty chair technique, cathartic in releasing feelings and understanding internal conflict, comes from Gestalt theory. If a teen is experiencing emotional dysregulation about another person or a social situation, the teen puts this person or situation into an empty chair, metaphorically speaking. The teen sits in the chair and takes the role of the other person, saying what they imagine the other person would say. The teen then switches back to their own chair and says what they want to say (out loud) to the person(s) they would like to express their feelings to.

I encourage teens not to worry about what they are saying when they use this technique. If they need to yell, they can yell. They can express their raw emotions without worrying about retaliation. The objective of this exercise is to help the teen understand the internal dilemma they are experiencing about the other person or situation.

What Can Parents Do?

I believe that generally, parents do the best they can. Sometimes, parents need the opportunity to learn effective parenting skills to navigate the many challenges that come with adolescence. Some effective strategies parents can use to support their teens in learning better emotional management may include:

Finally, self-care is an important skill for both teens and parents to learn. What do they need to take care of themselves? Exercise? A long bath? Rest? Healthy food? What do they need from another person they can trust? A hug, words of encouragement, or a shoulder (all without judgment) can be very healing. Teens and parents must learn to allow themselves to be vulnerable enough to reach out when they need emotional support and to practice self-acceptance while still remaining open to change.

References:

  1. The empty chair – Gestalt theory at work. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://plaza.ufl.edu/jerez64/paper2.html
  2. Parrott’s classification of emotions chart. (2013, June 29). Retrieved from http://msaprilshowers.com/emotions/parrotts-classification-of-emotions-chart
  3. What is DBT? (n.d.). The Linehan Institute. Retrieved from http://behavioraltech.org/resources/whatisdbt.cfm

One parent holds hand of child looking up trustingly while other parent faces other direction, arms crossedParental alienation syndrome (PAS), a term coined by Richard A. Gardner in the 1980s, describes a condition—usually generated in the context of divorce or child custody disputes—in which a parent creates an alliance with their child against the other (non-abusive, nurturing, protective) parent. The child, influenced in part by the alienating parent, contributes to the dynamic by denigrating the targeted parent.

Parental Alienation as Created Drama Theory

According to Dr. C.A. Childress, attachment-based parental alienation is created when a person with narcissistic tendencies gets their child to reject the other parent as a way to modulate the narcissistic parent’s anxiety. According to Childress, this anxiety is threefold:

  1. Narcissistic anxiety: Tremendous anxiety over the threatened collapse of the narcissistic defense against the experience of deep personal inadequacy.
  2. Borderline anxiety: Intense anxiety surrounding overwhelming fear of abandonment.
  3. Trauma anxiety: Reactivated anxiety (emotional flashback) of childhood attachment trauma.

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In essence, the parent with narcissism is trying to resolve these anxieties by creating a drama involving themselves (the perceived “competent/good” parent), the other parent (the “abusive” parent), and the child (the “victim” of the “abusive” parent). (Quotation marks are used to emphasize these are perceptions being created by the person with narcissism.)

The other parent is pitted against their child in order to regulate the anxieties of the alienating parent. The parent with narcissism essentially uses the child as a regulatory object to assuage deep anxieties via this created drama, wherein the narcissistic parent gets to be perceived as the “normal” or “good” parent while “rescuing” the child from the other, “crazy,” alienated parent.

The created drama “resolves” the alienating parent’s childhood unconscious narrative of abuse whereby the person, as a child, had to split off their perception of the abusiveness of their own parent(s) from cognitive recollection—thereby divorcing themselves from having to feel the rejection of their own misattuned parent(s).

Why does the child go along with this drama? Because they mistake normal feelings of grief as a sign the non-abusive parent is causing the child to feel bad because of the non-abusive parent’s supposed abuse.

This shifts the alienating parent’s focus away from feelings of inadequacy and abandonment, replacing them with feelings of superiority, particularly relative to the other parent in the scenario. Thus, this reenactment of trauma is the alienating parent’s attempt to achieve psychological mastery over their childhood trauma narrative. In the pathologically created scenario, the child (perceived “victim”) gets to be rescued from the “bad” parent by the parent with narcissism, aka the “hero.” This artificially resolves the alienating parent’s own early attachment trauma.

Why does the child go along with this drama? Because they mistake normal feelings of grief as a sign the non-abusive parent is causing the child to feel bad because of the non-abusive parent’s supposed abuse.

When a child’s family experiences divorce or separation, the child typically experiences feelings associated with grief. The parent with narcissistic tendencies is able to capitalize on these negative feelings by attributing them to the so-called abuse of the other (non-narcissistic) parent. The alienating parent will wage war against their ex in order to temper feelings of rejection and inadequacy, using the child as a pawn.

Parental Alienation as Domestic Violence by Proxy Theory

Parental alienation syndrome is not recognized as a disorder within mental health or legal circles, and not everyone agrees it is a “thing.” Tina Swithin of One Mom’s Battle describes what occurs as domestic violence by proxy. In other words, the alienating parent is really just trying to abuse their ex by using children as weapons.

While the parent with narcissism, prior to divorce, could not have cared less about the children’s school events, etc., post-separation they act like “super parent,” showing great attention to activities previously ignored. This is impression management.

Domestic violence by proxy is a pattern of behavior rather than a set of specific actions. The underlying motives for abusers are power and control. While in the relationship, the abusive person can abuse in more ways than one, usually directly. Once separation occurs, the children become the most effective means of abuse.

According to this theory, the abuser knows they are abusing and the actions are specific and intentional. Other people, such as therapists, attorneys, or child protection agents, are often duped by the narcissistic person’s behaviors and may come out against the non-abusive parent. An abusive parent may even end up with primary custody of children as a result.

What an Alienated Parent Can Do

If you are the target of parental alienation, what can you do to protect yourself and salvage your relationship with your children?

Realize you must keep yourself strong and hopeful and do not become defeated. Be creative in your strategies, keep your energy strong, and never let your ex or your children know how victimized you feel. Many people with narcissism are to weakness as sharks are to blood. You may get eaten alive if you let your children or your ex know how defeated you feel.

Don’t let your fears keep you from action. Don’t catastrophize. Stay in the present and try the strategies below:

References:

  1. Childress, C.A. (2015, May 28). An attachment-based model of parental alienation: Foundations. Claremont, CA: Oaksong Press.
  2. Major, J. A. (n.d.). Parents who have successfully fought parental alienation. Retrieved from http://www.breakthroughparenting.com/PAS.htm
  3. Simon, G. (2011). Character disturbance. Marion, MI: Parkhurst Brothers Publishers Inc.
  4. Swithin, T. (2017, February 4). Domestic violence by proxy. Retrieved from https://onemomsbattle.com/2017/02/04/domestic-violence-by-proxy

Teenager with short curly hair and pink shirt looks to side while walking away from two classmates standing togetherMaking and maintaining quality friendships is hard, especially during middle and high school. Although many adolescents long to develop lifelong friends who will be loyal, trustworthy, and supportive, they often struggle during this time to maintain those types of relationships. In fact, many will experience times of confusion, hurt, and betrayal when seemingly good friendships fall apart.

To some extent, the fluidity in relationships is normal during this developmental phase, as adolescence is a time of great change. As teens figure out who they are, what their interests are, and what is important to them, they are likely to gravitate to new and different peers who share their interests and values. However, friendships often change or end because of drama, hurts, betrayals, and outside peer influences. Sometimes the end comes suddenly; other times it comes when good friendships start to become unhealthy.

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Often, when the latter happens, peers will try to maintain the friendship long past the point it is healthy for them. Sometimes they don’t recognize the signs of an unhealthy relationship. Other times, they don’t want to see the signs because they don’t want to lose a valued friendship. Either way, staying in an unhealthy friendship can lead to anxiety, depression, stress, and problems at home and school.

It is important for adolescents to be able to identify the signs of an unhealthy relationship and either work to improve things or find a way to get space. Here are some signs a friendship might be becoming unhealthy:

Many adolescents will stay in unhealthy friendships until they break. Unfortunately, a lot of pain and damage is usually already done when it gets to this point.

While many adolescents can see these red flags, some are unsure what to do when a once-healthy friendship turns unhealthy. Many adolescents will stay in unhealthy friendships until they break. Unfortunately, a lot of pain and damage is usually already done when it gets to this point. However, there are methods to end an unhealthy relationship in a way that preserves everybody’s feelings.

Here are some strategies for ending an unhealthy friendship:

Kid plays with green fidget spinner toyFidget spinners, toys that allow people to quietly fidget by spinning a device, are surging in popularity. Many companies market these toys as relievers for stress and anxiety. They hold the 16 top spots in Amazon’s toy rankings. Together with fidget cubes, the toys occupy more than 40 of the top 50 spots.

As with many toy trends, some adults have responded with frustration, derision, and even paranoia. A false story recently circulating on Facebook claimed fidget spinners could disrupt Earth’s center of gravity.

Proponents of the toy say it could help people with attention deficit hyperactivity (ADHD), autism, or anxiety by offering a focused outlet for their energy. Some schools even allow students to use fidget spinners to help them concentrate. Experts, however, note a lack of research on any link between fidget spinners and ADHD symptoms. Rather than assuming the toys will work for alleviating symptoms of ADHD, experts recommend that parents seek research-backed treatment options.

Experts also say there is no reason to worry that fidget spinners are harmful. There’s little evidence that any single toy changes behavior or cultural beliefs.

Dual Gait Testing as Early Predictor of Dementia

[fat_widget_right]Observing a person’s gait while they perform a cognitively taxing task can provide early evidence of dementia. The process, known as dual gait testing, may predict dementia in people with memory issues. According to the study, people with mild cognitive impairment whose motion slows down by about 20% while performing the cognitive task may be at an increased risk of developing dementia.

Why You Should Quit Chasing Happiness and Pursue Meaning Instead

According to a new book, The Power of Meaning: Crafting a Life That Matters, the pursuit of happiness might undermine its achievement. Meaning is what makes life worth living, the book’s author argues. Pursuing happiness as its own goal may be a distraction from the sense of purpose that is more likely to help people feel happier.

Bouldering Envisioned as a New Treatment for Depression

Bouldering, a popular form of rock climbing, may ease symptoms of depression. The authors of a new study say people who began bouldering three hours a week for eight weeks saw reductions in depression. They suggest the physical, cognitive, and social components of the sport may help. People may boulder with friends, and bouldering poses both physical and intellectual challenges.

Can Parents’ Tech Obsessions Contribute to a Child’s Bad Behavior?

Increased reliance on technology may undermine parents’ relationships with their children. According to a study that looked at surveys completed by mothers and fathers in 170 households, half of parents said technology disrupts time with their children. On average, technology interrupts parent-child interactions two to three times per day. The study suggests these interruptions may be associated with increased behavior problems from children.

Suit: SC Mental Health Needlessly Hospitalizes People

In a federal class action lawsuit, Protection and Advocacy for People with Disabilities—a disability advocacy organization—alleges that the South Carolina Department of Mental Health is unnecessarily hospitalizing people with mental health issues. A 1999 U.S. Supreme Court decision in Olmstead v. L.C. found people with mental health disabilities have a right to live in less restrictive settings. Thus, needless hospitalization or institutionalization is a form of mental health discrimination.

Meditation May Cause Negative Feelings for Some, Study Finds

Research links meditation to numerous benefits, including improvements in mental health. However, research that includes interviews with nearly 100 meditation teachers and meditators suggests it may not be positive for everyone. Some people who meditated reported side effects such as insomnia, sensitivity to light or sound, anxiety, or panic.

Sad woman looking at phoneAccording to a report by the Royal Society for Public Health, social media app Instagram is more harmful to young people’s mental health than other social media platforms. The report, which stems from a survey of nearly 1,500 teens and young adults, linked Instagram to bullying, anxiety, depression, and fear of missing out.

The report did not, however, find that social media use is universally bad for mental health. Social media sites were linked to self-expression, a sense of community, a sense of identity, and greater social support. Some sites offered other benefits. YouTube, for example, promoted awareness of others’ experiences, decreased depression and loneliness, and offered access to reliable health information.

The report suggests social media platforms can protect users’ mental health by:

We Need More Studies on Kids’ Mental Health

[fat_widget_right]Opinion pieces that raise alarm bells about psychological screening in schools often neglect a vital piece of the puzzle: we know little about children’s mental health, and many childhood mental health issues go undetected. Routine mental health screenings could change this, offering better services to children with mental health concerns.

Number of University Dropouts Due to Mental Health Problems Trebles

The number of students leaving universities in the United Kingdom due to mental health issues has increased threefold in recent years. More students are requesting counseling, as schools struggle to keep up with their mental health needs.

Walgreen’s Mental Health Initiative Expands Reach

With about 1 in 5 Americans experiencing a mental health condition, mental health concerns are more prevalent than physical health issues. The Walgreens Boots Alliance, now in its second year, expanded mental health access and screenings in an attempt to provide more treatment and more resources. The retailer, which partnered with Mental Health America for the service, says 75% of people who completed mental health screenings are taking steps toward follow-up care.

How Does My Social Circle Affect My Depression Risk?

Loved ones can be both a cause of depression and a support system for fighting depression. Some relationships provide relief and social support. Others are a source of depression-triggering stress. Some are both. Experts say the key is to recognize and cultivate healthy relationships with others.

The Climate Crisis May Be Taking a Toll On Your Mental Health

Ecoanxiety, the fear of an impending environmental crisis, is increasingly common. A new report from the American Psychological Association (APA) suggests this anxiety may directly affect relationships and functioning. For instance, every standard deviation of rainfall and temperature increase is expected to produce a 4% increase in interpersonal conflict.

Young child with long blonde hair stretches arms up happilyWe’ve all seen it: the child in the supermarket line willing to tell you all about himself despite not knowing you at all, or the little girl who plops herself in a new teacher’s lap on day one of school. Harmless? Maybe, but this type of overly friendly behavior toward strangers often stems from an unstable attachment history and can lead to trouble.

Indiscriminate affection is usually seen in children ages 5 and under and is described as an inconsistency in identifying and establishing attachments—for our purposes, secure adults who are safe and familiar and who will feed, clean, and love the child. Such children see adults as equal-opportunity caregivers regardless of whether they are well known or a total stranger. This type of behavior is most commonly seen in children adopted from orphanages or after foster care placements where physical or emotional neglect may have existed in the earliest and most formative year or two of life. It has also been found in children who have had a stable home life in terms of location, but an unstable one with regard to psychological and emotional neglect. The common thread among these children is that care was never consistent.

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The theory behind these overly social behaviors is they serve as a way for children to get their needs met by anyone in the area, whether it be mom, foster mom, Mrs. Smith the preschool teacher, Joe the ice cream man, or the nice person in the grocery line. This can mean a child may be willing to go off with a stranger who promises candy or games. You may notice a child does not understand personal space or boundaries between them and other children or adults. It could manifest as hyperactivity in school or asking to go live with the teacher.

Children who developed in a healthy and stable home environment are more likely have a secure attachment to one or two primary caregivers and can rely on consistent and thorough care. These children develop a healthy hesitancy and skepticism toward strangers and a sense of connection with their primary caregivers that allows them to better understand personal boundaries and safety. These are the children who, on the first day of school, may look up to mom or dad for encouragement or hide behind a leg or two at first. After a brief pep talk, the securely attached child is off and having a wonderful time.

Does Your Child Have a Problem?

So, what does this mean for your child, and what can be done about overly friendly behavior?

If you find your child is very friendly, that does not necessarily mean they would fall into the category of indiscriminate affection; you may just have a social butterfly. It also does not mean you made a mistake or neglected your child during infancy.

First, don’t panic. If you find your child is very friendly, that does not necessarily mean they would fall into the category of indiscriminate affection; you may just have a social butterfly. It also does not mean you made a mistake or neglected your child during infancy. However, if you notice your child (adopted or natural) wandering off too far with lesser-known adults or asking for hugs from strangers, it may be time to seek the support of a therapist specializing in attachment of young children. This person can help you reestablish a connection with your child and build a sense of healthy boundaries and safety for your little one. The therapist will help you as a parent to manage certain situations in ways that will cultivate a secure attachment with your child and help your social butterfly understand safer ways to make friends, who to ask for help, when to approach strangers, and where not to spread their colorful wings.

There are also things you can do at home to help develop healthy boundaries for your child. My favorite is the hula hoop—this simple ring placed on the floor or held around the waist creates a visual indicator of personal space. Explaining to the child that everyone has a bubble about the size of the hoop that is their special private space can help a child understand when they are too close to someone or when someone is too close to them!

Reference:

Lyons-Ruth, K., Bureau, J.F., Riley, C.D., & Atlas-Corbett, A.F. (2009). Socially indiscriminate attachment behavior in the strange situation: Convergent and discriminant validity in relation to caregiving risk, later behavior problems, and attachment insecurity. Development and Psychopathology, 21(2), 355–372.

Neighborhood kids playing togetherWhite families with children are more likely to choose racially homogeneous neighborhoods and schools, according to a study published in The Russell Sage Foundation Journal of the Social Sciences.

Neighborhood segregation has generally declined since the 1970s, but the decline among white families has been slower. The study suggests this can undermine racial equality by altering the development of white children’s attitudes toward diversity. These attitudes can have far-reaching consequences for children’s future educational and employment pursuits.

Segregation Among White Families

The study measured school-age children’s exposure to diverse racial groups in their neighborhoods between 2000 and 2010. Ann Owens—the study’s author and an assistant professor at the University of Southern California—then compared this exposure to adults’ exposure.

Owens found children experience more racial segregation than adults, and white children live in slightly whiter neighborhoods than white adults. This may be due to white families’ tendency to live in more segregated neighborhoods than single white adults and white adults without children.

[fat_widget_right]The analysis further suggests school boundaries play a key role in this segregation, with white families choosing—whether consciously or not—to live in more segregated school districts. Owens theorizes that white parents might base quality of a school system on its racial composition, as many believe schools with less diversity are more highly ranked.

Research on Segregation and Unconscious Bias

Previous research supports the notion that white people may prefer segregated neighborhoods. Given the choice between an all-white neighborhood, a neighborhood that is 40% black and 60% white, or an all-black neighborhood, a 2009 study found white people preferred the all-white neighborhood.

Other research suggests racial perceptions are generally distorted, supporting the notion that segregation can affect attitudes. Data from 2013 suggest people overestimate the racial diversity of the United States. Survey participants thought ethnic minorities comprised 49% of the country. The correct figure is 37%.

White people also overestimate the percentage of crimes committed by black people, according to two surveys conducted in 2005 and 2010. For example, white respondents believed black people committed about half of all violent crimes. The accurate figure was around 20%.

These perceptions may help explain an unconscious bias toward white neighborhoods.

References:

  1. Badger, E. (2014, April 18). Americans vastly overestimate how diverse the country really is. Retrieved from http://www.citylab.com/politics/2013/10/americans-vastly-overestimate-how-diverse-country-really/7320/
  2. Krysan, M., Couper, M. P., Farley, R., & Forman, T. (2009). Does race matter in neighborhood preferences? Results from a video experiment. American Journal of Sociology, 115(2), 527-559. doi:10.1086/599248
  3. Owens, A. (2017). Racial residential segregation of school-age children and adults: The role of schooling as a segregating force. The Russell Sage Foundation Journal of the Social Sciences, 3(2).
  4. Ross, M. (2017, March 23). Study finds that white families live in less diverse areas. Retrieved from http://dailytrojan.com/2017/03/22/study-finds-white-families-live-less-diverse-areas/
  5. Swanson, A. (2014, December 1). Whites greatly overestimate the share of crimes committed by black people. Retrieved from https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonk/wp/2014/12/01/whites-greatly-overestimate-the-share-of-crimes-committed-by-black-people/?utm_term=.6c1a20e6d01f

Mother and daughter stand on small bridge looking over lake in winter coats. Rear shot Divorce is typically a sensitive and emotional event and can be quite difficult to talk about, especially with children. It is common for parents to struggle with how to talk to their children about their divorce. Why? Well, some parents are unsure what or how much to tell their kids about what is happening. Some parents are still extremely emotionally raw and vulnerable and worry about their ability to remain calm when talking with their kids about the divorce. Still others fear talking with their kids about the divorce will overwhelm them, and may wonder if it is best to shield them from what is going on.

Although these worries are understandable, not talking about the divorce can be detrimental to kids and can cause various behavioral and/or emotional issues down the road. Having a conversation with children about divorce may not only reduce any anxiety they may be experiencing, but can also help them prepare, both cognitively and emotionally, for the changes ahead.

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If you are going through a divorce and are unsure how to talk with your child(ren), here are some helpful tips to keep in mind:

  1. If possible, talk to your children about the divorce with the other parent. This might be difficult, as some divorces can be quite contemptuous. However, having a joint conversation with your children has potential benefits. First, it ensures your kids are receiving the same message from both parents, which limits confusion and may create a sense of stability during a time of upheaval. Second, it models that both of you are still a unified parenting front, which limits the perception your children can make plays to divide and conquer. Lastly, it helps reassure your children that their parents will continue to communicate and work hard to create a new family structure.
  2. Be honest in answering questions. Being honest is important for two reasons. First, kids are smart and can sense when they are given dishonest information. Feeling that parents are being dishonest can lead to resentment and anger. Second, if kids are not told the truth, they may seek the answers themselves or create their own answers. By being honest and forthcoming, you may reduce a lot of potential anxiety. However, it is important to note being honest has its limits and there should be age-appropriate boundaries set around sharing information. For example, while kids should be informed about logistical changes that will impact them, they should not be told about marital baggage (i.e., information that one parent had an affair). So, before responding to a question or sharing information, think about why you are sharing and whether it will help or hurt.
    A family therapist can be a great resource for both parents and children and can help everyone find healthy ways to adjust to the changes associated with divorce.
  3. Let your children know what life will be like after the divorce. Divorce and the changes that come with it can be scary for kids. It is important to let them know what they can expect when it comes to things like where they will live, how much time they will have with each parent, etc. If you and your ex are unsure about certain things, communicate that to your children and let them know you will share the information with them as soon as there is a decision. This may relieve a lot of the anxiety that comes with the unknown.
  4. Emphasize that the divorce is final. Losing their family as they have known it may be upsetting for your kids; they may even fantasize about their parents getting back together. It is important to make it clear divorce is final and that while you and your ex may continue to communicate and interact, it is simply as a co-parenting relationship. Kids may still fantasize about a reconciliation, but it will help if there are clear boundaries.
  5. Reassure your kids. Divorce can be anxiety provoking for kids and they can have a number of fears, some of which are influenced by things they might have seen on TV or learned from friends whose parents are divorced. Children may think the divorce is their fault, that they won’t get to see one of their parents anymore, or that their parents don’t love them. Ask your kids what they might be thinking or worrying about and work to reassure them—not just through words but through actions as well.
  6. Be available. As a parent, you may feel anxious about how the change is impacting your child(ren) and may be tempted to push them to talk about their feelings or experience. It is important to remember every child experiences and processes divorce differently. Some children may talk openly about their feelings, while others may withdraw. Some children may adjust well to the changes, while others may struggle. While your intentions are good, pushing a child to open up before they are ready can be detrimental. The best things you can do are to (1) communicate to your children you are available for them to share whatever they may be thinking or feeling and (2) work to create a safe space for them to feel comfortable talking to you. Know each of your children will open up at their own pace and will seek your support if they know you are available.
  7. Communicate stability, but don’t be afraid to show emotion. When talking with your children about the divorce, try to communicate a sense of calm and control. This may help provide a sense of stability in what can be a chaotic time. However, it can also be helpful to communicate your own feelings with your children. When talking with them, let them know when you might be feeling sad, anxious, or upset. Let them know, also, what you are doing to feel better. By communicating your feelings, you normalize their experience; give them the words to identify their own feelings; and show them how to cope in a healthy way. But keep in mind that this a fine dance. On one hand, you want to avoid being overly emotional, which can cause your kids to feel they need to take care of you. On the other hand, you don’t want to appear so stoic they don’t feel safe expressing their own feelings.

Conclusion

All these things can help foster healthy and open communication during the divorce process. As mentioned above, it can be difficult to engage in this type of communication when you, too, are struggling with the overwhelming emotions associated with divorce. If you are unsure how to proceed, seek support from a family therapist. A family therapist can be a great resource for both parents and children and can help everyone find healthy ways to adjust to the changes associated with divorce.

Important Notice

GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.

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