In a previous article, we looked at the role initiation ceremonies play in a culture, and how they help us detach from an outgrown identity and move into one more highly adapted to the present.

In traditional cultures, these ceremonies follow a strict protocol. First communion uses a basic format, and so do bat/bar mitzvahs. Even a bachelor stag party follows a certain sequence of ideas.

For most of us, the transition from midlife into old age isn’t provided with much structure. On the downside, this means it might not be observed or navigated. But on the upside, this leaves a lot of room for an individual experience of initiation. Psychotherapy is a practice in our culture that focuses on the individual. In what follows, we’re going to look at one man’s initiation from midlife to old age. (Names have been changed.)

Howard comes to therapy for relief from depression. He’s in his 70s, burly but fit and well-dressed. During the initial interview, he describes feelings of hopelessness, loss of pleasure, and irritability. His affect—the rise and fall of emotion as he speaks—is mild, but his mood (the “background” feeling) is irritable, not bitter so much as sour, with a sense of disappointment. I ask him if there have been any changes in his life recently. For instance, has he lost anyone? No, he says, not lately, though in the 1980s and ’90s his circle was hit pretty hard by HIV/AIDS. Then he laughs humorlessly and says, “I wouldn’t mind a change, though, to tell you the truth.”

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He tells me he neither recognizes nor appreciates the old man he sees in the mirror. He describes his distaste at noticing age spots, at the continuing loss of skin tone. “I know I’m not a kid anymore,” he asserts, as if I’d accused him of this. “But I still feel like I’m in my 50s.” What are his 50s, I ask. “Like I should still be able to do things. Get up and get out. Meet someone new. But whenever I go out, it’s like I’m invisible.”

When Howard says he can’t believe he’s old, he seems to really internalize it. My impulse is to say, “You’re only as old as you feel,” but I don’t. Instead I sit with curiosity about why I would feel impelled to “rescue” him from old age. I ask him what “old” is. He tells me. It’s material I’ve heard before, and perhaps you have, too: old people can’t, old people don’t.

It’s a description of aging that’s prevalent in our culture, almost cartoon-like because it seems to flatten people out so they’re not quite real. Old age is adjacent to death, so it seems. And even though we don’t know what death is, our fear of it informs all of our other fears. No wonder so many of us avoid recognizing ourselves as old, and feel distress when we do. In a culture characterized by a fear of death, old age can be seen as a stigma—a sign that an individual has beliefs, qualities, or behaviors counter to the culture, and therefore threatening to it. Which might account for Howard’s experience of feeling invisible.

We begin by addressing some of the myths of aging. The first one we tackle is about declining sexuality in both men and women. In Geriatric Mental Health Care, Gary J. Kennedy, MD, notes that “the continuance of sexual activity into late age depends on the life pattern of each person.” Acceptance of a perceived inevitability of loss is linked to both loss of libido and even bodily changes. In How We Die, Anne Karpf cites a study on memory function in aging American and Chinese subjects. The study findings indicate that not only did the Chinese subjects do better on memory testing than their American counterparts, but they performed better than young Chinese adults. The researchers associate these findings to the fact ageism is less prevalent in China than in the United States. Howard and I discuss the idea of self-fulfilling prophecies.

Ageism is the idea that old age will be a mirror image of infancy. In the first stages of development, we acquire skills in sequence—language, mobility, continence, to name a few. Ageism suggests that all of us will, sometime before the end of life, lose those skills along with many others, and that anyone displaying signs of age is experiencing this loss of integrity. I find that Howard has a history of resisting prejudices, including internalized prejudices. I enlist this in our work together.

I ask him about meaningful experiences. This starts a life review—piecemeal at first, but gradually we get a chronology established. We don’t hear about the violent disagreements with his father when he was in his mid-teens, and that were the reason he left Illinois for the west coast, right away. Instead we start with his career as a counselor in a parole office that is both a source of pride and loss for him now in retirement. But eventually we come to his partnership with Don, which ended with Don’s death a decade ago, and to his marriage with Karen when they were both in their 20s, and their two children. Over many sessions, we put together a narrative that extends through seven decades, and that despite having some unsolved mysteries to it—what life doesn’t?—holds together so that meaning can be clearly observed.

One of the effects of such a review is that Howard becomes more grounded in his life—not just its events but its duration. There’s not so much of a disconnect between his actual age and his ownership of that age. He’s just a little bit less inclined to wish it away. For better and for worse, he’s related a history that requires 70-plus years for its unfolding.

As well, this life review places Howard’s own life into the context of his age cohort, and the events which shaped them and which they shaped in turn. Some of these he participated in literally, such as protests against the Vietnam war and his advocacy for ACT UP. His participation in others events is more symbolic but no less real, such as the moon landing and reunification of Germany. We find resources of accomplishment and pride here. In Identity and the Life Cycle, Erik Erikson describes the developmental tasks of later adult life as shifting allegiance from self and our small group to a larger field (“mankind, my kind”). As Howard considers the impact on history of his age cohort—whose accomplishments both include and extend beyond his personal ones—he has the opportunity to locate himself inside and identify with larger movements of life.

Old age is adjacent to death, so it seems. And even though we don’t know what death is, our fear of it informs all of our other fears. No wonder so many of us avoid recognizing ourselves as old, and feel distress when we do. In a culture characterized by a fear of death, old age can be seen as a stigma—a sign that an individual has beliefs, qualities, or behaviors counter to the culture, and therefore threatening to it.

During this stage, I encourage Howard to bring in photographs of meaningful others, and especially of his younger selves. As the conversation grows more intimate, we give names to the earlier versions of Howard. The slim, long-haired teenager is the Poet. The mustached thirty-something exploring a new sexual identity is Robert Redford. The bearded man demonstrating with his younger colleagues at an ACT UP protest is Papa. We marvel at the way one identity succeeded another, taking its turn to be lived. We open up and sit with the interesting problem that even though these identities are no longer the case, they will always be true. Howard is no longer the Poet, and yet Howard carries the Poet and all that identity’s youth and passion within him.

We also look at the fact Howard knows the answers to the questions that puzzled each of his “earlier selves.” He knows, for instance, how the struggle to come to terms with his own sexuality turned out—that struggle was difficult but ultimately rewarding—though the 29-year-old in the photo with Karen doesn’t. As he considers this odd fact, I take the opportunity to wonder out loud if there is an older Howard “up ahead” who knows how Howard resolves his conflicts about old age.

I introduce Howard to Carl Jung’s concept of Self. This is the organizing principle of the psyche, one that initially operates on an unconscious level but with which a conscious relationship can be formed. To illustrate this, I tell Howard a person can have a set of values he lives by without stopping to think about them, but if he becomes aware of what his values are he’s able to live them more effectively, relating to them as he would a blueprint or a compass.

The Self is often personified in fairy tales as the wise old man or woman—think Cinderella’s fairy godmother or Obi-Wan Kenobi of Star Wars. In a rational sense, this combination of wisdom and age speaks to our having lived the earlier stages of our lives and learned through them who we are and what the world is. In an intuitive sense, who I am now and how I’ve lived or not lived so far implies who I will be. That “future self” is implicit in who I am now.

Howard is intrigued by this image of an older self, or Self, from whose point of view his present issues are all resolved one way or another. “I don’t feel so lost,” he says. “In a funny kind of a way, it’s like I already know the answers. It’s just a matter of remembering them.” He’s also interested to think that compared to this image of the Self, he’s the younger of the two. That if the Self is the cumulative image of his full life span, Howard is not there yet.

We look at the fact that if Howard had refused to go on to have new and further experience when he was the Poet, then Robert Redford, Papa, and the others wouldn’t have had their times to be lived. He says about the Self, “I feel like he’s waiting his turn. Like he’s depending on me to live him. I don’t want to let him down.” I reflect the positive nature of such a relationship to the Self. Erikson describes “the acceptance of one’s own and only life cycle,” and Jung refers to participating in “the ego/Self axis.” Both ideas act as guideposts to the same fact, that it’s possible to experience old age with integrity and hope.

In The Measure of My Days, a book of reflections written when she was in her 80s, Florida Scott-Maxwell notes, “Personal immortality may not matter at all. Perhaps our long insistence on it has been our need of spiritual value, and a groping conviction that is our central truth; that we have a share in impersonal greatness.”

If he was the Poet when he was in his 20s and Papa in his 50s, I ask Howard who is he now. He thinks about it, then grins and says, “Well, I guess I’m the Traveler now.” On the spur of the moment he asks if I’ll take a picture of him using his Android phone. I do, and Howard has his first photograph of the Traveler, evidence that he passed this way.

References:

1. Erikson, E. (1980). Identity and the Life Cycle. New York: Norton.
2. Jung, C.G. (1966). The Practice of Psychotherapy: Essays on the Psychology of the Transference and other Subjects (Collected Works Vol. 16). Princeton, N.J.: Princeton University Press.
3. Karpf, A. (2014). How to Age. London: Picador.
4. Kennedy, G. J. (2000). Geriatric Mental Health Care. New York: Guilford Press.
5. Scott-Maxwell, F. (1968). The Measure of My Days. New York: Penguin Books.

Putting a family member in a nursing home may be one of the toughest decisions families have to make, and unfortunately, the decision for many doesn’t tend to feel “good.” Many hope for a long life of independence, and becoming immobile, senile, or dependent on others is a thought people simply like to avoid. As a psychotherapist who works in a nursing home, I often encounter family members racked with guilt, which has led me to analyze the experience.

Help Them Through the Adaptation Phase

Many of the nursing home residents I speak with openly express their discomfort at being in a nursing home, and some manifest symptoms of depression as a result. In my experience, it is typical for a new resident to struggle with this new environment. After a (sometimes long) transition period, many will begin to adjust. According to an article published in Nursing Research and Practice, this is called the “adaptation phase,” with the typical period of adjustment being cited as three to six months (2013).

[fat_widget_right]During the adaptation phase, a new resident may be struggling to respond to new rules and expectations of the nursing home staff, as well as learning to live with a new group of people. The adjustment period can be really tough, and unfortunately, some seniors may never fully adjust to a nursing home environment.

Help Them Avoid a ‘Loss of Control’

There are a number of ways family members, friends, therapists, and staff can help improve the quality of life of nursing home residents. I am focusing on family members in this article, but if you are looking at this problem from a different perspective, please utilize this advice to help a nursing home resident you care about.

Many nursing home residents I’ve spoken with express feelings of a “loss of control” when they don’t have any say in the facility where they end up living. With that said, one of the first ways to help a senior make the transition to a nursing home is to give the person a chance to evaluate options and make decisions regarding the new residence. Finances may be a huge barrier when looking for care, but giving a family member the right to shop around and choose a residence can help foster a sense of independence and control from the beginning of the transition (2013).

A window can make a big difference in a person’s living space within a nursing home. An article in the Journal of Aging Research says that a window view doesn’t even need to overlook plush greenery to be beneficial. It can simply offer something to look at, such as pedestrians, wildlife, or any landscape (2015). If the resident’s individual room does not offer a window, access to a private space with a window and a view may offer similar benefits. Adding plants to the resident’s room can also create a more personal environment and take away from the medical feel of the room.

Personal items from the resident’s previous home can also create a sense of familiarity and mastery over the experience. This may include pictures, furniture, or comfort items such as blankets. Allowing the resident to personally pick out items to bring to the nursing home can also contribute to the sense of control that can be so important to a healthy adjustment to nursing home living.

Help Them Stay Social

Initially, it can be intimidating to join the other residents in activities, but engaging in social activities and continuing ones enjoyed before the transition can positively affect a resident’s sense of happiness. If you’re a family member, go over the schedule of activities with your loved one and help pick out some that appeal to him or her.

Life in a nursing home is different, but it’s not the end. A person can continue to feel loved and cared for, and offer their love and care in return.One of the best ways to help your family members ease into a nursing home is simply to listen to them. Often, seniors at the nursing home I work in tell me they don’t tell their children or family members about their feelings of depression because they don’t want to burden them. Others say they attempt to tell their family members, but their feelings are dismissed. Many new nursing home residents will experience depressive symptoms and feelings of hopelessness as part of the adjustment phase. Allow your family member to talk about this experience so he or she doesn’t feel further isolated. This may evoke your own guilt or a desire to fix the situation, but remind yourself that your loved one has limited people to talk to, especially about emotions. Your ability to sit and listen will help demonstrate that you care and are available for support.

Lastly, and perhaps most important, provide a sense of hope for your family members. Consider what might increase comfort in the home and offer some options. Listen to their struggles without defending them. Offer them your time and company, share pictures of the family, bring food from home, and remember to tell them how important they are to you. Life in a nursing home is different, but it’s not the end. A person can continue to feel loved and cared for, and offer their love and care in return.

References:

1. Degenholtz, H.B., Resnick, A.L., Bulger, N., & Chia, L. (2014). Improving quality of life in nursing homes: The structured resident interview approach. Journal of Aging Research, 2014, doi: http://dx.doi.org/10.1155/2014/892679
2. Riedl, M., Mantovan, F., & Them, C. (2013). Being a nursing home resident: A challenge to one’s identity. Nursing Research and Practice, doi: http://dx.doi.org/10.1155/2013/932381
3. Van Hoof J., Verhagen, M.M., Wouters, E.J.M., Marston, H.R., Rijnaard, M.D., & Janssen, B.M. (2015). Picture your nursing home: Exploring the sense of home of older residents through photography. Journal of Aging Research, doi: http://dx.doi.org/10.1155/2015/312931

Can an old dog learn new tricks? Can we change in adulthood? Many of us struggle with this question as we make New Year’s resolutions that we fail to meet: eating healthier, exercising, overcoming behavioral habits that keep us from living up to our personal and relational goals.

Sometimes we blame our genetics—it’s our DNA that is keeping us stuck! Or we blame our childhoods—if only we had better parenting, we could reach for the stars! There is no question that we are each born with a temperament, and that genes play a role in our abilities and limitations. And early childhood experience does shape our brains. In fact, neuroscientists these days look at the interplay between genes and environment, or G x E. But does that mean once we have survived childhood we are fixed, set in our ways, determined by our nature and early nurture?

Neuroplasticity in Adulthood

Until a decade or so ago, many scientists thought that while children’s brains are malleable or plastic, neuroplasticity stops after age 25, at which point the brain is fully wired and mature; you lose neurons as you age, and basically it’s all downhill after your mid-twenties. Fortunately, this rather grim view of the aging brain has been upended by more recent research. We now know that the human brain is capable of change throughout life. It’s true that a typical child’s brain is more plastic, more capable of change and new learning than a typical adult brain. And we do lose neurons as we age. But it’s not all downhill; the adult brain can create new neuronal connections and even new neurons born from neuronal stem cells. In addition to these gray matter (neuronal) changes, there can be change in our white matter, the pathways between neurons and the myelin that allows neurons to communicate efficiently.

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What Promotes Neuroplasticity?

We are not guaranteed vibrant, flexible brains as we age, however. A lot depends on how we live our lives. The adult brain needs oxygen and stimulation to stay sharp and capable of change.

Researchers have identified the following three habits as facilitating neuroplasticity as we age: physical exercise (which increases blood flow to the brain, delivering much-needed oxygen), paying attention, and learning new things. Once I learned about the impact of physical movement on neuroplasticity, I increased my exercise to daily from twice a week. And I see the difference in both body and mind! While an aerobic workout is great, even walking briskly for half an hour will increase blood flow and feed oxygen to hungry neurons.

The second factor that increases neuroplasticity, paying attention, is the opposite of acting on automatic pilot. Most of the time we do function on automatic, which is easier and less tiring than thinking through and being aware of our every move. This automaticity can be to our advantage, as we easily ride our bike or whip up our favorite recipe. But living on automatic can mean that we miss precious moments, forget to smell the roses, or take for granted a majestic mountain vista. Waking up to our experience allows us to be present. It also allows the brain to be more active and flexible. One of the best ways to pay attention is to engage in mindfulness practices, whether through a formal practice of meditation or in more informal ways.

The third stimulus to brain plasticity in adulthood is learning new things. This comes naturally to a young child, for whom everything is new. By contrast, adults tend to be less open. We get comfortable with the familiar; we like to kick back, relax, and do the same old, same old. This may feel good, but it does not contribute to neural flexibility. And if we combine same old, same old with not exercising—being a couch potato, television, potato chips and all—we are depriving the brain of the nutrients of neuroplasticity.

Mind-Sets about Change

Some of us are more open to change than others. Carol Dweck’s research offers a fascinating glimpse into our mind-sets about change. Some people, she says, have a fixed mind-set; they are not interested in changing, or assume they are incapable of change as adults. This is epitomized in Popeye’s famous statement, “I yam what I yam.” By contrast, people with a growth mind-set assume they are capable of change and growth in their lives.

Change in Couples

Some folks come eagerly to therapy, looking forward to the possibilities of learning and transformation. Others are hesitant, defending their right to be as they are. It’s not uncommon in a couple that one partner takes the “let’s change and grow” position, while the other comes to therapy reluctantly.

Old habits have quite a hold on us and are hard to change. To wire in a new set of behaviors, we have to repeat them over and over again. Eventually, these new behaviors become the new normal.

For hypothetical example, Tina, feeling increasingly disconnected in her marriage and frustrated that Joe doesn’t share her enthusiasm for deep, emotional conversations, drags him to therapy to improve their relationship. Joe comes to couples therapy because he loves his wife and doesn’t want to lose her. But he is resentful. He says, “I’m the same man you married—the strong and silent type. You’re the one who has changed!” For Joe, Tina’s evolving needs and her pushing him to change are the problem. Joe has a fixed mind-set, and he defends his right to stay the same. Tina has a growth mind-set; for her, transformation and growth are vital nutrients. Their “meeting of the mind-sets” is the first challenge we will face as we work together. I will help Joe see the positive payoffs of change, and I will help Tina back off from her campaign to reform Joe.

Most of us don’t want to “be changed” by someone else. We want to author our own change. Tina sees change as a transitive verb with a direct object: “Tina changes Joe.” But Joe doesn’t want to be the direct object of Tina’s change agenda. He wants some autonomy to choose his change. Family therapists have long observed that the only person you can change is yourself. Both Joe and Tina may decide to change in order to revitalize their relationship—but this needs to be a choice for each of them. Authoring your own change can be empowering; having change foisted on you can breed resentment.

Making Change Last

Let’s come back to those New Year’s resolutions. We have great intentions, and do engage in healthier habits for a while—only to find a few weeks in that we are backsliding. It’s too cold to go to the gym. There’s no time. We are great at coming up with excuses. Why is it so hard to live up to our goals and make new changes last?

Once again, neuroscience points to the answer. Habits become wired into the brain; once established through constant repetition, circuits of neurons keep our habits in place. Old habits have quite a hold on us and are hard to change. To wire in a new set of behaviors, we have to repeat them over and over again. Eventually, these new behaviors become the new normal.

When I started swimming as an adult, every trip to the pool was an effort as I worked to coordinate my breathing with my strokes. My brain and body were not accustomed to an aquatic life. Now, after years of regular visits to the pool, I crave my morning swim; I feel so natural in the water, I wonder if I was a fish in a former life.

Embracing a Growth Mind-Set

Whether we like it or not, things change. Our brains and bodies are evolving all the time—getting stronger as we exercise mentally and physically, getting weaker as we age or become couch potatoes. We can’t stop the process of time and aging, but we do have some choices over how we deal with our lives and relationships.

We can opt to live in a way that nurtures neuroplasticity—or we can close our hearts and minds to the new. We can exercise body and mind, or we can let our physical and mental faculties slide. Our mind-sets and our habits affect the brain, for better or worse. Choosing change, a growth mind-set, allows us to nurture neuroplasticity in our brains and promotes flexibility in our personal and relational lives.

Which mind-set will you choose?

References:

1. Doidge, N. (2007). The brain that changes itself. NY: Viking.
2. Dweck, C. (2006). Mindset: The new psychology of success. NY: Ballantine.
3. Fishbane, M.D. (2013). Loving with the brain in mind: Neurobiology & couple therapy. NY: WW Norton.
4. Ratey, J.J. (2008). Spark: The revolutionary new science of exercise and the brain. NY: Little, Brown & Co.

If your favorite months are the warm-weather ones, then the transition into fall might represent a tough time for you.

If you have kids, they’re likely back in school—at least when you aren’t shuttling them between extracurricular activities. Work meetings may be more prevalent as vacations end. The calendar is once again filling with overlapping events, and you may wonder how you’ll fit them all in. You may look longingly at your checklist of summer fun and lament the things you never got to. When you leave your home in the morning or as the sun sets, you may notice a distinctive chill in the air.

End-of-summer sadness may be setting in.

Check In with Your Thought Process

Some people struggle with a “time’s up!” mentality regarding all the plans they had for the season. That scarcity-of-time mind-set can lead you down the road to the blues. Shifting your thoughts to ideas and plans for finishing the year in the strongest, most positive way possible may help you think in terms of abundance instead. What other great things are to be experienced this year? (If nothing comes to mind, plan for something!)

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It may also help to remember that without the change of seasons, you could potentially get bored or complacent with the heat and humidity of summer. A period of colder weather gives us a renewed appreciation for summer each year.

People often talk about how sad they are to see summer go. If your inclination is to express despair at the arrival of autumn, check in with yourself. Is that simply an automatic response? Do you have things to look forward to in the fall and winter? While saying goodbye to summer, what are you saying hello to?

Look Forward

Choose to look forward instead of focusing on the rearview mirror. One way to do that is to engage your senses.

Appreciate that new crispness in the air. Relish wearing cozy sweatshirts or favorite sweaters. Discover clothes you haven’t worn in a while; maybe even treat yourself to something new.

Enjoy looking at the seasonal colors surrounding you: the reds, golds, oranges, and browns. The foods we eat tend to switch from light to heartier fare, and from cold drinks to hot ones. Imagine yourself smelling the first fireplace fires of the season and apples baking with cinnamon.

Consider that the new season brings new sports to engage in or watch.

Appreciate the structure that fall brings, and find comfort in that. Also, let the holidays and rituals that coincide with the change in the weather serve as a guide to moving forward and finding fun and enjoyment.

Bring Summer Along for the Ride

Find ways to hold on to summer experiences—frame pictures to remind you of the fun you had, or perhaps display souvenirs to remind you where you’ve been. Download songs that will make you smile when you associate them with time spent with friends.

Look at your calendar and block out certain days, particularly after busy intervals, to ensure that you have time to breathe and regroup. Do your best to keep those days clear of obligations. These can serve as “days of summer” of sorts.

Look at your calendar and block out certain days, particularly after busy intervals, to ensure that you have time to breathe and regroup. Do your best to keep those days clear of obligations. These can serve as “days of summer” of sorts.

Make sure to plan time with friends and family.

Schedule something fun as often as you can so that you don’t find yourself falling prey to winter weather excuses (too cold, too wet, too dark, too tired) that lead to isolation.

Make notes about the kinds of things you’d like to do NEXT summer, so that you can begin taking steps toward manifesting them.

Turn a Transition into a Chance to Reboot

The change of seasons offers an opportunity to reassess and figure out what’s working and what isn’t. It may be the perfect time to begin something new or take on a stimulating challenge.

The fall represents the harvest. Consider the figurative seeds you planted in January and what you’ve since reaped, and how you might improve on your personal “harvest” next year.

As summer ends, another chapter begins, and while there might be angst attached to transitioning into the next phase, there can also be excitement and anticipation of great things—worthwhile challenges, fun times, and new beginnings.

Becoming an adult is rife with both uncertainty and adventure. The concept of being an adult is always in flux, and these days it’s hard to tell when adulthood is upon you. Culture, religion, socioeconomic status, and family situations may all impact and blur the lines between childhood and adulthood. No one sends you a complimentary toaster to let you know you have “joined the club,” and for many people, there is no one experience that affirms the acquisition of adult status.

In truth, adulthood is a process, not just a state you wake up in one day. For those of you who are just leaving behind adolescence, you probably bring a host of assumptions to this process that may or may not ease the transition into this new phase of life.

1. If I don’t feel like an adult, I must not be one.

Employment, paying the bills, driving, having a child—while all of these responsibilities are significant milestones, you might still have a sneaking suspicion that you’re not quite there. In reality, adulthood isn’t just about a set of responsibilities or accomplishments. Rather, it is more of a conscious effort to be aware of your strengths and challenges and a dedication to being the best version of yourself you can be. It is accepting that you will falter, but that you owe it to yourself to keep going.

2. I can’t have a life if I become an adult.

[fat_widget_right] Perhaps you fear that if you get a “real job” or “settle down” you will have to give up your passions or having fun. These days, you can design your own idea of what it means to be an adult. You can identify the values and priorities you want to commit to and create a life based on those. They might be informed by past experience and important people in your life, or you might have a belief system that offers you guiding principles. Either way, take stock of what is important to you and build your version of adulthood around that.

3. I have to be in a relationship to be happy.

Sharing your life with someone can offer an additional layer of security and support that may improve your sense of well-being. But relationships—just like any important decision—should be entered into wisely. Gauge your emotional readiness to be a partner. If you are not ready to commit wholeheartedly, this does not make you less of an adult; in fact, it takes great maturity to be honest with yourself about your ability or willingness to balance relationship needs with your own. You also need to be aware of your intentions when you begin a relationship. Ask yourself if you are looking for your partner to make you happy, diminish your loneliness, or bolster your ego. None of these will lead to healthy, adult relationships. On the other hand, if you understand that you are solely responsible for developing into a whole independent human being, you might be ready to share your life with another.

4. I’ll know I’m an adult when I have it all figured out!

Because there isn’t a definitive moment you become an adult, there is also no definitive answer to the uncertainties that life brings to you. Embracing that you will encounter more questions than answers is the real wisdom here. Don’t wait for a magical day in the future when it will all make sense. Open yourself up to the rich and fulfilling experience of learning along the way.

5. I need to have it all figured out!

Because there isn’t a definitive moment you become an adult, there is also no definitive answer to the uncertainties that life brings to you. Embracing that you will encounter more questions than answers is the real wisdom here. You might worry that you must have a concrete plan in order to be a successful adult. You feel that lacking direction means you are failing at the adult game. Setting goals for yourself can be a valuable tool for making decisions and giving you a sense of security; however, life will offer detours in the form of unexpected opportunities and unfortunate obstacles. Learning how to tolerate uncertainty and how to adapt to changing situations is a big part of being an adult. And if you’re worried that you’re stuck in whatever plan you’ve made because nothing is going your way, remember that you can change your mind. You’re the architect of your path, so you can change it.

Adulthood involves growth, acceptance, and openness, and its meaning will transform as you develop new skills, form new relationships, and indulge in new experiences. Enjoy the impermanence and be present in every vital moment!

It never fails: When August rolls around, parents begin calling the office. They are calling about their child, who made so much progress toward the end of the previous spring that we reduced or eliminated sessions. But as soon as the back-to-school supplies show up in stores, sleep patterns are disrupted, instances of acting out increase, and general chaos begins.

The children I see in my office often don’t realize why they are feeling so dysregulated. They blame situations with friends, their siblings, and their parents to externalize the cause for their behavior. Sometimes parents don’t even recognize the cause of increased anxiety. As I start asking questions to try to dig toward the cause of the change, I’ll hear tell-tale signals that school anxiety is building beneath the surface. “She’s crossing off the days on the calendar until school begins,” or “He asked if he could send an email to last year’s teacher.”

[fat_widget_right]Other children are very aware that their anxiety is related to school, and they process it outwardly. Every day, they express concerns about not knowing their new teacher, dread the amount of homework they are going to have, or worry that they might miss the bus on the first day of school. The caretakers of these children may quickly become overwhelmed because usually they can give no answer other than, “We’ll find out when school begins.”

What can parents do to help their anxious children transition to the new school year? How can children who don’t recognize how much a new beginning worries them begin to accept and embrace the new adventures that each school year brings?

1. A change in behavior prior to or following a major transition could be related to anxiety.

When a child begins to fight more frequently with a sibling or talk back to parents, take a step back and ask what may be going on in that child’s life. Beginning a new school year is a major unknown for a child, even if the child has attended that school previously. Getting used to new teachers, new classmates, and new routines can be daunting, even for a child who doesn’t experience anxiety. Imagine starting a new job. Your worries about a new boss, different coworkers, and changing responsibilities are likely to be very similar to your child’s concerns about the coming school year.

2. Recognize psychosomatic symptoms as possible signs of anxiety.

If your child begins complaining about stomachaches, headaches, or any other maladies, realize that this may be a signal they are experiencing anxiety. If a child is anxious, they may truly have a headache, but consider finding ways to relieve the anxiety instead of only treating the headache medically, as this is likely to have more long-term benefit. Mindful breathing or guided visualization can be great tools to help alleviate this type of stress.

3. Confront the conversation directly.

Parents often want to keep the peace in the days leading up to the first day of a new school year. However, prepping your child for the upcoming change and talking about the transition can be beneficial. Ask what types of school supplies your child wants, have the child visualize an ideal classroom, and encourage the child to discuss ways to react in case things don’t go exactly as planned. By bringing up the conversation gently, parents have the opportunity to encourage verbalization and reassure their child of their ability to handle the situation.

4. Try not to allow avoidance.

Ask what types of school supplies she or she wants, what a perfect classroom would be like, and what their plan is if things don’t go exactly as they would like. By bringing up the conversation gently, parents have the opportunity to encourage verbalization and reassure their child that they can handle the situation.The primary thing anxiety drives a person to do is avoid the anxiety-provoking situation. When your child says, “I don’t want to go shopping for school supplies,” break it into smaller segments, such as only going to pick out a backpack. Leave the rest for another day. By encouraging your child to push through anxiety, you help build the belief they can succeed during this transition.

5. Ask the school for help.

Talk to the teacher. Talk to the counselor. Give them a heads-up about what your child is experiencing. They may have a plan in place or ideas to try to help acclimate your child to the new school year before it begins. If your school hosts a “meet the teacher” or “back-to-school night,” you may choose to request a separate time that your child can drop off supplies and meet the new instructor.

6. Use guided visualization.

Take the time to write out a script with your child about how the first day will go, from the time the child wakes up to the return home. Focus only on the positive aspects of the day. At bedtime each night, either read the script to your child or have the child read the script, imagining every portion of the day in detail. When your child arrives at the situations in the script that tend to trigger anxiety, encourage mindful breathing for self-regulation and help the child visualize how to handle those obstacles while at school.

Generally, students settle into a routine within the first few weeks of school, and their anxiety subsides. However, if you notice that your child is still experiencing trouble after the first part of the school year, reach out to your school or to a professional counselor who can help you and your child learn more in-depth coping skills to handle these intense experiences.

“Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”

This recognizable quote from the movie Ferris Bueller’s Day Off can be helpful to remember when we find ourselves saying things like:

“I simply can’t keep this pace up for much longer.”

“There just aren’t enough hours in the day.”

“Stop the merry-go-round. I need to get off!”

Often, we miss the signs that we’re moving too fast or that we’ve got too much on our plates. Sometimes our tendency is to switch to autopilot, and we may become suddenly unaware of what we’re doing in a given moment.

To help foster self-awareness, here are nine important indicators of when you might wish to slow things down before they go awry:

1. You’re always late to appointments.

[fat_widget_right] You might think that slowing things down will only cause you to be later. However, if you take a few moments to check your schedule and budget the appropriate amount of time to get from place to place,  you won’t constantly be racing and apologizing for being tardy. Always build in a few extra minutes for travel in case of traffic or delays that are beyond your control.

2. You keep losing things.

The first time you lose your keys, glasses, or wallet, you may simply let it go. The second time it happens, it’s a sure sign that you’re moving so fast you’re not aware of what you’re doing. You put things down without a thought and then don’t know where to retrieve them.

It can help to have a designated “home” for your belongings, but if you seem to be rushing lately and have tunnel vision, slowing the tempo can also help you stop misplacing things and find them more easily when you do.

3. You don’t know how you got from point A to point B.

Ever drive somewhere and wonder how you arrived? A little scary, right? What that means is that you weren’t focused on the task at hand and were too distracted be be engaged with your surroundings.

4. You’re not getting enough sleep.

You need to give the tasks in front of you the proper attention they deserve to tackle them efficiently. Otherwise, they could end up costing you more time. Listen to that spilled milk or stubbed toe when they tell you that you need to slow it down.Sleep is required to fill your tank so that you can face the challenges of each day. Of course we all are short-changed sometimes for various reasons, but if it’s happening for an extended period of time, it’s often a signal that something has to give. Take it down a notch if at all possible.

5. You have no time to eat.

If you don’t slow down long enough to nourish yourself, you’ll find that you will eventually come to a screeching halt, regardless of how much you desire to keep going.

6. You’re plagued by clumsiness.

Are you frequently dropping things, bumping into things, tripping, spilling or breaking things? That’s a strong indicator you’re moving too fast. You need to give the tasks in front of you the proper attention they deserve to tackle them efficiently. Otherwise, they could end up costing you more time. Listen to that spilled milk or stubbed toe when they tell you that you need to slow it down.

7. You’re forgetting appointments.

“Where are you? You were supposed to be here 10 minutes ago.”

Heard that one lately?

Missing an appointment feels awful. You wind up disappointing both yourself and others. It can put relationships at risk and cost you money. If you’ve missed a meeting, you might want to decelerate before it happens a second time.

8. You’re always multitasking.

You might be an amazing multitasker, but once in a while it’s important to discover what it’s like to put all of your focus and energy into just one thing. With multitasking, it’s possible to spread yourself too thin. If your schedule seems to ruthlessly demand multitasking, see if you can delegate things to others or at least assign each activity its own time slot.

9. You’re repeatedly getting sick.

If you find yourself feeling ill a lot more often than usual, it’s likely your body’s way of letting you know you’ve got to slow things down and rest! Listen to what your body is saying and don’t wait for your health to decline further.

Taking notice of just one or two of these meaningful signs should be enough to ease your current pace, which will serve you well in the long run.

Many parents will readily admit that parenting is the most challenging job they have ever had. According to a new study published in Demography, becoming a parent may make people less happy, and that unhappiness can cause parents to avoid having more children.

This might help explain why more than 15 million American families only have one child, which accounts for an increase in one-child families in recent years, according to the United States Census Bureau.

Does Happiness Decrease After Having First Child?

Lead researchers Rachel Margolis, of the University of Western Ontario in Canada, and Mikko Myrskylä, of the Max Planck Institute for Demographic Research in Germany, theorized that pleasant experiences with a first child might inspire couples to have more kids, but a difficult transition to parenthood could discourage further family growth after one child. To test this theory, they used data from 2,301 German parents who participated in the German Socioeconomic Panel Study between 1984 and 2010.

Each year, the study asked participants to rate their happiness on a scale of 0-10. Parents also answered questions about their relationships, jobs, and childbirth experience. This allowed researchers to compare parents’ happiness two years prior to having a child, through the transition to parenthood, and up to a year after becoming parents. More than 70% of parents reported becoming unhappier after the birth of their first child. On average, they reported a 1.4-point drop in happiness compared to two years before their first child was born. More than a third saw their happiness plummet by more than 2 points.

Unhappiness was also tied to the decision to have another child. Fifty-eight percent of parents who reported a decline in happiness had a second child within 10 years, compared to 66% of parents who did not experience a decline in happiness.

[fat_widget_right]Among parents aged 30 and older and those who had at least 12 years of education, the correlation was stronger. The researchers speculate that this may be because mature, well-educated parents may be better at applying their experiences to family planning decisions. Parents with more education may also have demanding careers that make it more difficult to balance family and work obligations, but the researchers say their findings remained even after accounting for factors such as parents’ income, marital status, and place of birth.

Despite Research, People Still Have Kids for ‘Joy’

The study only tracked happiness scores a year after having children, so researchers are not sure that childrearing leads to a permanent drop in happiness. It could be that the sleepless nights usually associated with raising a newborn, coupled with the challenges of transitioning to parenthood, temporarily cause happiness to plummet.

Previous research highlights the nature of parenting, which can be stressful. A study by sociologists Kei Nomaguchi and Melissa A. Milkie found that couples who became parents did more housework and bickered more often. That same study also found that mothers were less depressed after having kids than single women without children, and that single fathers were more likely to be depressed than any other group.

No matter what the research says, many parents continue to believe parenting is a recipe for happiness. A 2010 Pew Research Center study found that 87% of parents said they became parents “for the joy of having children.” Seventy-six percent cited this joy as a key factor in the decision to have kids.

References:

1. Jayson, S. (2010, May 6). Most parents have kids for ‘joy’; to many it ‘just happened.’ Retrieved from http://usatoday30.usatoday.com/news/health/2010-05-06-whykids06_ST_N.htm
2. Senior, J. (2010, July 4). All joy and no fun. Retrieved from http://nymag.com/news/features/67024/index5.html
3. Whiteman, H. (2015, August 13). Does becoming a parent make us miserable? Retrieved from http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/298122.php

Do you resist change?

Do you work hard to maintain the status quo, regardless of its effect on you?

Is it possible that you might better tolerate change if you approached it in small doses?

All too often, when we think of bringing about change in our lives, we consider making choices that have far-reaching effects, with sweeping consequences for ourselves and perhaps others. These seemingly super-sized changes beget long to-do lists of follow-ups and follow-throughs that can leave us overwhelmed and exhausted before we’ve even begun.

Change often ignites fear within us, so much so that we talk about making things happen but do nothing, or we initiate the first few steps only to abandon our goal because things get difficult or we meet with some resistance or it just requires too much of our energy and concentration. Sometimes we pin our hopes and dreams on big change only to discover that the results weren’t as we had imagined.

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Have you ever initiated a big change and then stepped back from it, feeling the need to protect yourself, barricading yourself against the discomfort associated with it?

Have you felt shame or embarrassment at not being able to move forward in the way you had hoped?

This is why it’s so important for us to consider the impact that implementing subtle or small changes can have on us. They, too, can have far-reaching effects.

Some benefits of small change include:

1. It is easier to implement.
2. It is less difficult to get others to be supportive of small changes.
3. Less fallout—subtle changes may not necessitate other changes to follow.
4. It provides an opportunity to test the waters and course correct if need be.
5. You’re more likely to stay motivated. With small changes, you’re more likely to experience a sense of accomplishment, promoting your next steps (“Since I was able to achieve THAT, why don’t I now try THIS?”).

Here are some examples of powerful yet subtle changes and what their immediate, noticeable impact might be (in italics):

• Take 10 minutes each night to plan tomorrow’s tasks/activities. This may enable you to go to bed more at ease than you would otherwise, feeling prepared and ready to face the next day.
• Set your clothes out the night before. No scrambling at the last minute to find your favorite shirt! You know what you’re wearing, and it is waiting for you to put it on. As a result, you leave the house on time and feel good about starting your day on the “right foot.”
• Begin your day with five minutes of gratitude, or choose to consciously set your positive intention for the day. Before facing the world, you orient yourself positively to it. You continue to notice the things that are going right and are aware of the things that support you in your mission.
• Acknowledge your partner for things you formerly took for granted. Your partner ends up feeling validated and may begin acknowledging YOU for the things you do. Your relationship strengthens as a result of this new attention.
• Wake 20 minutes prior to others in your household so you can peacefully drink your coffee with no distractions. You have a few minutes of quiet that can serve as the anchor to your day. You feel more equipped to handle the busyness that ensues thereafter.
• Take an honest lunch hour, instead of snacking at your desk while you continue working. You feel refreshed and more ready to tackle the afternoon’s work. You honor yourself by giving yourself some time to recharge.
• Delegate a task that can be done effectively by someone else. You may empower someone else by helping him or her discover what he/she is capable of handling. You free up your time and energy for more important or challenging items.
• Make your bed each morning. This can provide you with a sense of order. Also, crawling into bed at night can be like unwrapping a lovely gift, making the process more appreciated and special.
• Plan to meet up with friends twice a month. This gives you something to look forward to and ensures that you are devoting attention to the relationships that are important to you.
• Learn something new because you choose to. You will ignite your curiosity, exercise your brain, and challenge yourself to grow.
• Go to sleep a little earlier. Give yourself the opportunity to have more energy, more focus, less hostility, more patience, and improved overall well-being.
• Clean your desk. Feel like the master of your domain. Instead of feeling overwhelm, feel in control. Save time by knowing where things are. Experience the clarity that comes with clearing the surrounding clutter.
• Stretch, walk, or exercise for 15 minutes. Clear your head, release some stress, breathe fully, and become aware of the flexibility and strength of your body.

The majority of the above examples are relatively small behavioral changes that are within your power to execute.

If you have super-sized changes in mind, consider breaking them down into more manageable phases so you stay the course. You can make subtle shifts and adjustments along the way.

Choose what YOUR small change will be and then experience the impact it has. Share your results in the comments section below!

Moving or relocating, be it near or far, is a great reason to plan ahead and seek help from a therapist. After all, there is substantial evidence showing relocation causes significant psychological stress and associated emotional challenges. Rarely, though, do I hear people cite a move as the reason for coming to therapy.

People typically pursue therapy when they are in emotional anguish or unhappy. In many cases, psychologists hear about emotional and physiological symptoms such as depression, anxiety, insomnia, worry, or stress that make coping with daily tasks challenging. Other times, the reasons for seeking therapy are relational, such as problems at work, bad behavior at school, relationship discord, or lack of friends.

Any or all of the above could result from relocating. Fortunately, the emotional, physiological, and relational difficulties associated with moving can be averted or ameliorated with early intervention.

The personal and social changes involved in a move vary widely with individual experiences and backgrounds, making such changes almost impossible to generalize. Nonetheless, commonly there are environmental/external or individual/internal factors at play. Environmental factors may include cultural or language differences, finances, and reasons for relocating. A family moving to London for a job promotion is very different than a family fleeing to Miami after a natural disaster, such as Haiti’s 2010 earthquake.

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The larger the cultural differences and the greater the geographical distance between the place of origin and the new home, the more complicated the adjustment to the new life is likely to be. A move to a country with an unfamiliar language may be more stressful than relocating within your home country. According to Kupka and Cathro (2007), who studied a sample of German expatriated families, expatriates rely more on social support from other expats in their adaptation to the new environment when there is a greater cultural distance. The existence of a social network in the new home may improve the well-being and adaptation of the moving family.

The larger the cultural differences and the greater the geographical distance between the place of origin and the new home, the more complicated the adjustment to the new life is likely to be.

Personal or internal factors may increase or ameliorate the stress surrounding the move and transition. Working at a counseling center in Tokyo, I found that many of the people in therapy who struggled with adaptation to their new environment and to cultural norms had experienced similar emotional distress back home. When someone had difficulty making new friends or assimilating to a new social group in Tokyo, we often found a history of family disengagement or painful and traumatic interpersonal relationships at home. Moving rarely solves the problem by itself.

Church (1982) supported these anecdotal observations while surveying families that had relocated internationally. The researcher found that people with preexisting, untreated psychological conditions tend to develop more problems in the international assignment. On the other hand, those who had experienced previous successful moves or had a higher experience of self-efficacy tended to adapt more successfully and faster.

Personal factors such as previous losses, forced moves, and a history of complicated adjustments may complicate the adaptation and perhaps escalate to social and psychological issues that interfere with daily functioning. For example, a family forced to move because of war or a natural disaster may be ill-prepared to face the challenges of the new adjustment. Contrastingly, a family excited about their new life that has developed accurate expectations, a connection to their future community, and has educated family members about the transition is likely to experience less stress and fewer difficulties adjusting. Planning and preparation, education, and anticipation of challenges related to a move may function as buffers to the development of more severe social and psychological problems.

Early intervention can build protective factors and coping skills to face the stress of change and adjustment. Research on families relocated internationally by companies has found that the success of the international job is related, among other factors, to the adjustment of the employee’s partner to the new country. When partners did not adjust and families had to return to their country of origin before the completion of the contract, the result was major financial loss for the companies.

Thus, multinational companies were motivated to invest in research into factors that would make the adjustment to moving successful. Then companies invested in implementing those findings. For instance, companies hired consultants to educate about cultural differences, to develop realistic expectations for adjustment, and to create social networks to embrace and help acclimate families. In many international schools, there is a process of absorption that may include assigning buddies, as well as teachers, counselors, and volunteers monitoring daily progress and creating experiences of inclusion for new students. On the other hand, there are schools that lack experience absorbing new families, often throwing new students into large classes with only a brief introduction and an expectation to fend for themselves. Some students adjust and thrive in almost any environment, while others struggle and develop physical, social, or emotional problems. Because the failure of an international assignment may cost 2.5 times the salary of the employee—sometimes more than $1 million—multinational companies began investing in preparation and support for families relocating.

If faced with a move, consider seeking the help of a therapist or other expert guide. The cost of help will likely reduce the emotional cost and improve emotional gains associated with relocation.

References:

1. Church, A.T. (1982). Sojourner adjustment. Psychological Bulletin, 9, pp. 540-572.
2. Kupka, B., & Cathro, V. (2007). Desperate housewives – social and professional isolation of German expatriated spouses. International Journal of Human Resource Management, 18 (6), 951-968.

When a friend or family member tells you they are transgender, or trans, it can be hard to figure out the best way to show support. Trans issues have recently become part of the mainstream conversation in the United States, from  Caitlyn Jenner’s widely publicized transition to Laverne Cox’s appearance on the cover of Time. As more trans people feel comfortable sharing their stories, their friends and families are growing and changing with them.

The word “transgender” describes a gender identity that is different than the one someone is born into. Gender identity is the internal experience that we all have of our maleness or femaleness (or both, or neither). For most people, this experience is aligned with their biological sex. People who identify as trans have a different experience.

Many allies feel confused about how they can best support a friend or family member who tells them they are trans. Such conflict can come about for any number of reasons, including feelings of embarrassment talking about trans issues, not knowing what language or terminology to use, or not wanting to offend. With that in mind, here are five ways to support someone you love who identifies as trans:

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1. Listen Closely and Trust Their Experience

Every trans person has a different experience of gender and their transition. When a trans person shares their story with you, it’s a gift. It means they trust you enough to share something so fundamentally important to them. And their experience might not be what you expect.

There is no “right way” to be trans and no “right way” to transition. Each story is unique.

2. Use Their Language

Language is personal, and the only way to know how someone identifies is to listen to how they talk about themselves. You don’t necessarily need to know all the terms related to transgender to be supportive; you just need to respect and try to use the ones your friend or loved one prefers. Some people have a word they closely identify with. For example, they might feel like the umbrella term trans describes them best. Other terms they might use include transgender, transsexual, trans man, trans woman, female-to-male (FTM), male-to-female (MTF), or genderqueer, among others.

There is no “right way” to be trans and no “right way” to transition. Each story is unique.

Trans people may also have a preferred pronoun. Possible pronoun choices may include he/him, she/her, ze/hir, and they/them. Ze/hir and they/them (used to refer to an individual, not a group) are gender-neutral pronouns and are being used by more and more people who don’t feel like he/him or she/her adequately describe them.

Your friend or family member might also choose a new name. They might even change it two or three times as they attempt to find a name that feels like a good fit. Using a trans person’s chosen name shows love and respect and is important, even when change feels hard.

3. Do Some Research

If you want to know more about trans identities in general, the best way is to learn is to do some simple research. Just like it’s not your job to tell others what it’s like to be ______ (fill in your own gender identity, sexual orientation, religious affiliation, race, etc.), your friend might not want to educate others about their experience.

Unless specifically invited to do so, it’s never appropriate to ask anyone (including a trans person) personal questions about their body or sexuality. This doesn’t mean it’s wrong to be curious or want to know more. Fortunately, we have a lot of great resources available at our fingertips. Many trans activists post video blogs on YouTube both about their personal experiences and to answer questions for people who just want to know more.

4. Get the Support You Need

Learning that someone you know is transgender can bring up a lot of feelings, especially if it’s a close family member such as a child or parent. It’s OK to have all of those feelings, and it’s important that you find the supports you need to sort through them and understand your own experience. Your family member or friend may not be able to be this support person for you.

Many family members I’ve worked with have found support through working with their own therapist or connecting with groups such as Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG) and TransYouth Family Allies (TYFA). Connecting with a therapist is a great place to start.

5. Practice Active Allyship

Trans family members and friends are counting on you to help them make this a safe and friendly world for people of all gender identities. Trans people often face oppression and discrimination from their medical providers, schools, employers, housing, places of worship, and families.

Being an ally means consistently noticing and challenging transphobia and ignorance both in yourself and the world around you. This can mean telling someone that a joke isn’t funny, asking a trans friend what they need when someone uses the wrong name or pronoun, or participating in events and rallies in support of the rights of trans people.

What it looks like to support a trans family member or friend can vary greatly from person to person. In many ways, it looks exactly the same as being a good friend or support to anyone who is going through a significant life change. What are some ways you can support transgender people in your own life and community? Please share your thoughts in the comments section below.

Bruce Jenner, former Olympic athlete and reality star, has made recent headlines. After months (or longer) of tabloid and entertainment news speculation, Jenner publicly came out in an April 2015 interview with ABC News‘ Diane Sawyer, identifying as transgender. No doubt the episode sparked public interest and a great deal of conversation. In fact, in the days immediately following the Jenner interview, Answers to Your Questions About Transgender People, Gender Identity, and Gender Expression was the most-viewed link on the American Psychological Association (APA) website. Considering the high number of hits, assumptions could be made that the general public is seeking more information on transgender identities and transitioning.

To better understand what transgender means, it is important to make the distinction between sexual orientation and gender identity, which are frequently and erroneously used interchangeably. Sexual orientation is our romantic, physical, emotional, and relational attraction to another, and includes labels such as gay, lesbian, bisexual, and heterosexual. Gender identity, on the other hand, refers to our internal sense of being male, female, or another gender identity.

Someone who identifies as transgender experiences a lack of conformity between their sense of gender and the societal standards of their assigned birth sex. Cisgender is the term used to describe someone whose sense of gender conforms to the societal standards associated with their assigned birth sex. What does “assigned birth sex” mean? In most cases, a doctor “assigns” our sex based on our visible anatomy appearing to be that of a boy or girl. Without undergoing extensive and expensive genetic, chromosomal, and hormonal testing, most people do not know what their true biological sex is.

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Although Jenner is all over the news, transgender identities are not a new phenomenon. It is probably not a stretch to say that transgender individuals have always existed. Many accounts, such as those documented in the book Transgender Emergence (Lev, 2004), detail transgender individuals throughout historical and modern times and across a diversity of cultures.

If transgender identities have always been around, one could question why transgender individuals are often treated like second-class citizens. Well, in looking at history, before Western colonization, in some cultures, those with transgender identities enjoyed inclusion and reverence within their communities. For example, in Native American culture, individuals identifying as “two-spirit,” who are thought to encompass both male and female qualities, were once well revered within their culture. However, after Western colonization, social value and reverence were stripped from transgender identities.

And if you are still wondering why transgender individuals do not have full respect in society although transgender identities have existed for thousands of years, recognize that other groups, such as women and ethnic minorities, have been around for a long time too, but continue to endure less than equal treatment.

There is no one right way to come into our gender identity. Some transgender individuals comment on always feeling that their gender identity and assigned sex were incongruent. For others, it could be later in life that one recognizes their sense of gender identity. Safety is another reason that forces some individuals to transition later in life.

Jenner is 65 years old, a parent, and until recently was married to a woman. Some might wonder why it took Jenner so long to come out. There are several explanations for this. There is no one right way to come into our gender identity. Some transgender individuals comment on always feeling that their gender identity and assigned sex were incongruent. For others, it could be later in life that one recognizes their sense of gender identity. Safety is another reason that forces some individuals to transition later in life.

In general, the U.S. is more accepting of diverse identities today than at any other time in its history, yet transgender individuals encounter high rates of verbal, psychological, and physical victimization and violence. Now consider the atmosphere and attitude toward transgender individuals 20, 30, or 40 years ago; for many older adults, the threats to their physical and emotional safety were true barriers to transitioning at younger ages. Also, consider the financial costs. Would there have been endorsement deals and commercial shoots if Jenner came out in 1976?

Accessibility to information also impacts coming out. Today, there is greater transgender awareness and there are more transgender individuals in the media. Today’s youth have more access to information regarding gender identity and transitioning than their predecessors. Furthermore, transitioning can be an expensive endeavor that may not have been an affordable option when older transgender individuals were younger. All transgender-identifying individuals do not desire to pursue a physical transition. For those who do, depending on the transgender individual’s desire for transitioning, hormonal therapy, surgeries, and other costly procedures may have prevented them from making any physical transitions until later in life. Finally, in regard to parenting and marital status, gender identity has little to do with someone’s desire to parent or marry, making it very reasonable that someone may transition or come out as transgender after marrying and childrearing.

Jenner’s children were asked how they felt about their father’s transgender identity. Like other families in which a parent transitions, they acknowledged undergoing a transitional process themselves. The family has to adjust to appearance and gender expression changes, adopt new pronouns, and may have considerations regarding marital status. The families of transgender individuals are not immune from experiences of prejudice and discrimination that were previously unknown to them. Family members can be asked invasive questions, feel alienated by those who are not supportive of their family member’s transition, or experience the financial byproduct of discrimination. For example, many states do not include gender identity in housing and employment nondiscrimination policies. So if a parent is fired for being transgender, their child may no longer be able to afford to attend college.

Initial stages of a family’s transition may be challenging and confusing, but later stages in family transition may include acceptance of their loved one’s identity and providing a supportive and safe environment that is respectful to all gender identities. A safe environment allows space to grieve perceived loss and welcome mental wellness and gender affirmation. Fortunately, there are a growing number of resources to help families who have loved ones who are transitioning and to support the family’s transition.

Reference:

Lev, A. I. (2004). Transgender Emergence: Therapeutic Guidelines for Working with Gender-Variant People and Their Families. Binghamton, NY: Haworth Press.