Are You Being Manipulated? Keys to Hidden AggressionMarch 22, 2013 • Contributed by Zawn Villines
We all engage in manipulation from time to time. When your boss asks you what you thought of his or her terrible presentation and you render lavish praise, you’re concealing your real feelings in an attempt to elicit the reaction you want from someone in power. But in close interpersonal relationships, manipulation can take on a much darker hue, leaving its targets never quite knowing where they stand.
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The very nature of manipulation makes it challenging to know when you’re being manipulated. Manipulators attempt to conceal their motives and feelings, and their targets—who often struggle to sustain an honest, open, and manipulation-free relationship—may have to do some detective work to determine whether they’re being played.
What Is Manipulation?
Manipulation is the process of trying to change another person’s feelings, beliefs, or behaviors through indirect tactics. Rather than asking for what they want, manipulative people tend to use deception, coercion, even threats to get their needs met.
Manipulation is associated with a number of mental health conditions, including borderline personality disorder, passive-aggressive personality disorder, addiction, antisocial personality disorder, and narcissism. Not all manipulative people have mental health issues, but when manipulation becomes a primary style of interaction, it can indicate an underlying psychological issue.
Tactics Manipulators Use
If you’re concerned that you’re being manipulated, examine the tactics the other person is using. If you find yourself caught up in a web of deception and unclear motives, it could be manipulation.
Some common tactics manipulators use include lying, withholding information, denying feelings, playing the victim, blaming the victim, minimizing others’ feelings, pretending to be confused or ignorant, guilt, shame, and pretending that his or her tactics are intended to serve a higher calling such as God or a political cause. Manipulators also frequently use gaslighting—the process of provoking someone into an extreme or angry reaction, then blaming the other person for his or her reaction.
While anyone can be manipulated, expert manipulators tend to target people with and take advantage of certain personality traits. These traits include:
- The desire to be liked or to please; these people are more likely to take extraordinary measures to gain favor
- Low self-esteem
- Dependency; people who tend to be dependent upon others will be more easily swayed by threats to withdraw love or support
- Naiveté or ignorance
- Impulsivity, greed, and materialism
- Low assertiveness
- Fear of anger, sadness, and other negative emotions—either in oneself or from the manipulator
Why People Manipulate
For some people, manipulation may be an inadvertent strategy for dealing with a cutthroat world in which discussing feelings is often taboo. Manipulation is part of the normal range of behavioral tactics, and most people engage in manipulative strategies from time to time. People whose primary style of interaction is manipulation, however, tend to share some traits in common. These include:
- A need for control or power over others
- A need to raise their own self-esteem
- Fear of abandonment
- Feelings of worthlessness, helplessness, or hopelessness
- A willingness to prioritize their own feelings and desires over the needs and well-being of others
How to Handle a Manipulator
Many of us are highly aware when we’re being manipulated, but are still left unsure of what to do. Because manipulators often play the victim, some victims of manipulation might excuse their behavior or insist that the manipulator doesn’t really know what he or she is doing. Manipulators thrive on hiding their motives, so it can be challenging to get them to admit their true intentions, and many people will refuse to do so even under pressure. Instead, try the following tactics:
- Avoid allowing yourself to be shamed or guilted into doing something.
- When a manipulator makes a covert threat, ask him or her about the threat.
- Ask the manipulative person if he or she can tell you directly what he or she wants.
- Avoid sharing how the manipulation makes you feel, as these feelings can later be used as a tactic by the manipulator.
- Be direct, clear, and honest, and refuse to participate in the escalating game of manipulation.
- Psychological harassment and psychological manipulation. (n.d.). Psychological Harassment Information Association. Retrieved from http://www.psychologicalharassment.com/psychological_manipulation.htm
- Simon, G. K. (n.d.). Dealing with manipulative people. RickRoss.com. Retrieved from http://www.rickross.com/reference/brainwashing/brainwashing11.html
- Spotting emotional manipulation. (n.d.). Cassiopaea. Retrieved from http://www.cassiopaea.com/cassiopaea/emotional_manipulation.htm
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yvonneMarch 22nd, 2013 at 10:34 AM
What if I am married to the master manipulator? What then? He needs serious help but I am almost afraid to tell him that because he makes me feel like I am the one who is crazy when I know that isn’t true! He always gives me these guilt trips, and yes, I let it happen, but he will do anything that he needs to to get his way. And it’s not just with me- it’s that way with everyone and we all feed into it. How do I get him to loosen some of that control and power? I know that it is a change that I have to eprsonally make but I am not sure how.
Susan Beggan PaganieMarch 22nd, 2013 at 10:24 PM
When someone is a master of manipulation, we are often caught up in their web before we realize what is happening. They can be adept at turning the tables and placing all the blame on you. They can be so good at it that you start thinking you are the one at fault, or just plain crazy for thinking they would “ever do such a thing.” As hard as it is, you can’t fall into the trap of acceptance. This just reinforces the behavior and helps it to get stronger. I think the best methods are working with a professional to rebuild your self esteem that this person has likely diminished. Learn the tips for shaping the behavior, it’s going to be hard but it’s doable. Learn to be assertive rather than aggressive. The most important thing is to take your safety into account. Don’t do anything that might cause you to be put into danger. While all manipulator are not dangerous, you must be able to accurately assess your situation. For people that manipulate, it has likely been a successful way they have learned to negotiate life. Who knows where the roots are bound, but it is a learned behavior that can be charged.
SloaneMarch 23rd, 2013 at 6:47 AM
The problem is not the one who manipulates, but the one who allows themselves to be amnipulated time and again.
lisaMarch 24th, 2013 at 12:11 PM
Hi Yvonne, Manipulation comes in many forms, from subtle undermining comments to outright attacks. This dynamic is described quite well in a book I’m reading called The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. There are many suggestions on how to set limits based on what type of attack you’re under.While it’s tough to break old patterns, it is possible!Support from family and friends are important as you try out new ways of setting limits.A therapist can be helpful too.Hope you find the strength to listen to your inner voice.Best wishes in your work on this.
tiaraMarch 25th, 2013 at 9:55 AM
“target” seems to have been written all over my face. because just so many people try to manipulate me now I am afraid to even make friends. it is a pity that people have to stoop to manipulating others just to get what they want, I wish better sense prevailed :(
monicaMarch 25th, 2013 at 11:20 AM
Me being a manipulater and a good one Yvonne hunny you have to think like a wolf to run w the pack or they Eat the weak so what Im saying is be a wolf watch his movements tobe of voice certain facial features that r reapetative when he is doing this think and act like a wolf to run with the pack u r not crazy they say that we supervise things and don’t tell Wat we r really after (alterior motives) well Im the kind that would and make u believe it was ur idea and get wat I told u I wanted and more Im the great white lol
DonnaApril 28th, 2013 at 1:49 AM
I had been in a manipulative marriage of 28yrs. I don’t think I will ever recover.
LouiseMay 21st, 2013 at 4:34 AM
Sloane, to an extent I agree. But we all allow some form of manipulation from time to time. As we all manipulate from time to time. Choosing to be manipulated is as unlikely as choosing to be a victom of crime. I think the problem is more where your non-negotiable limits are. And if you dont know, you leave yourself open to be a victim
gJune 11th, 2013 at 9:42 AM
Sloane – No one is EVER resposible for someone else’s bad behavior, PERIOD.
No one asks to be treated badly, regardless of the insistance from others that the target of immature,reckless,hurtful, inappropriate actions is at fault. It’s that prevalent shifting the blame to the target that allows other the continue the damaging behavior all around.
ELJuly 22nd, 2013 at 3:26 PM
I hear you tiara. Sucks.
SteveFebruary 3rd, 2014 at 7:54 AM
We need to remember that we can often engage in manipulation with the manipulator. Those being manipulated are not just victims, as their unwillingness to leave the manipulator forces them to engage in the manipulation. In this regard, the victim becomes the victimizer and back and forth it goes. If we have a desire to regain our self-worth with the manipulator, we can quickly engage in their game, as we desperately try to regain our footing. However, they are way better at the game, as they have no real attachment to you or anyone!!! They are absolutely willing to appear as though they let go of you to prove to you that you do not matter! The only way to save yourself is to get out and never look back. NEVER!!! They do not love you! In fact, after a bit of time, it is likely that you do not love them either! If you are in the “web,” you are trying to locate your self-worth, which is exactly what they do not want you to find. If you find it, you leave them! Remember: Why would someone good like yourself be so interested in someone that is so damaged? You too are damaged, and not just by them! Get into therapy and begin to mend your broken heart. It goes back a long ways, so take your time. Look into your childhood and forgive those who harmed you. Learn, but learn while moving away and forward. The manipulator has no sense of Self, and as a result, they will begin to make you feel as you don’t, as they project their lack of Self onto you. Do not let them steal your soul! They are trying to make you feel as they feel: lost, lonely, and absolutely worthless. These are narcissists! They do not truly love themselves. They are NOT genuinely confident. They have no secure attachment anywhere in their childhoods. Their parents were severely selfish. They may claim to “love” their parent SO much, but you will quickly see they use their parent as they use all others. Just as their parent uses them!!! They have no positive/genuine relationship with their parent, particularly the opposite sex parent. However, often times both parents are narcissists. They will often claim to “not remember” their childhoods. This is a result of the aloneness they experienced. You will NEVER save them! NEVER!!! Accept that you are good enough, just as you are. Love your mother and father and move on!!! DO IT TODAY!!!
Sparrow LostMarch 17th, 2014 at 11:40 AM
Read “Snakes in Suits” very insightful.
MenaAugust 14th, 2014 at 7:55 PM
My sister in-law by marriage (our husbands are brothers) is a manipulator. She regularly demeans me and heavily influences others peoples opinions of me. I have for years now engaged in the manipulations to defend myself, but she is so good at it that I am misunderstood by family members and always made to look like the perpetrator. This week I had enough and after a few of her text messages, I told her to “F!@k Off!” and have blocked her from being able to contact me.
I just didn’t know what else to say. Have I done the right thing?
WolfAugust 18th, 2014 at 11:23 AM
Okay, what you said here really touched home with me. I am very confused because I can feel someone manipulating my mind, trying to change how I think… Almost brainwash me in a sense. I have no certain proof it’s my mother, though on one occasion I caught her trying to “motivate me” to do something by telling me there was no way I could do it and that I had never given her a reason to believe I could. She admitted to it. I also know she took psychology in college, but she never mentioned it more than twice, and only indirectly… So I don’t know how much or how advanced psychology she knows. I’ve been distraught, and angry, and feeling like I’ve got a blindfold over my thoughts because I cannot figure out who or how… Or maybe I’m not letting myself believe it’s her because I love her too much? I’m not sure, as I’ve said.
I think of myself as somewhat well-learned in psychological understanding and thinking, because I can watch how people glance or flinch and watch their eyes, to figure out almost exactly how something affects them inwardly. I’ve had people test me on it and I’m not just fibbing. Which is why I can’t understand why I can’t figure this out on my own. I can’t read my mom or my dad the way I can everyone else I know, no matter how hard I pay attention.
And one last thing, I can be so convicted and form my thoughts for days before I come and argue them to my mom… I’ve tried baiting traps, so to speak, to test her… But every time I confront her, I suddenly cannot think. My mental barriers crumble against her and no matter how I felt before, I end up broken. If anyone can make sense of this… I’d be extremely appreciative.
P.S. Talking about the parent’s back-story, her dad left them when she was 3 and basically disowned her, her mother married abusive men and finally ended up single to this day, and their relationship is rocky. My dad is kind of a lifeless brick unless he’s angry or in a rare good humor. That might clarify something…
LucyAugust 18th, 2014 at 3:43 PM
Hi Wolf, I think your best bet is consulting a therapist who can help you work through those confusing feelings and give you some direction. That said, I am reading a book right now about narcissistic personality disorder that is really helpful and interesting called The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists. Though you didn’t say much about your mother’s behavior, your reaction to it and your feelings of confusion about it sound like what the author describes as the difficulties of being the child of an NPD person. I am one myself and it has been really difficult to start defining what I want and getting out from under that boulder even though I haven’t spoken to my NPD father in 5 years. It has been a long road of therapy and I will continue on it and would recommend therapy to anyone who thinks they might have an NPD parent. I would say check out NPD online a little bit and if it sounds like it could apply to your mom, check out the book and look into therapy. And I think therapy is a good idea in any case if you feel in a fog and confused or manipulated! Good luck.
AnaSeptember 11th, 2014 at 1:39 PM
Yes i am! i´m being manipulated by my sons ,by my friends,by my boss,by my assurance companies, by my government,by my Parlament and deputies ,by Obama, By Putin ,by ukraine ,by banques/bankers,by media ,by my own society with their padroons of beauty ,by my finances taxes,by my health system care ,by my religion,by the pope and by God etc….
KathrynSeptember 13th, 2014 at 8:27 AM
Maybe I am going crazy … But I just had something blow up in my face . A few months ago .. I made a mistake, drank too much and cheated on my husband .. In which he has forgiven me for and we have moved on . I didn’t remember much about that night until days later . However, I lied to my “friends” not to save face … But because of what I am about to tell you about the one particular friend . Since I’ve known her, she’s been a chronic liar and a “victim” … Never has she bothered me much with it so I would let her run with her tales whether or not a believed them . A few weeks ago I was hanging out with her and my guy best friend .. I have a crush but he and I know it was nothing more . However after I dropped him off that night, my friend looked at me and was telling me he loved me and we would make a great couple,etc. …. So I fed into her and broke down saying I liked him . 4 days ago a friend of his and a coworker of mine started raiding questions , even went as far as to steal texts from his phone of me asking if he loved me … Not trying to get attention … But because my drunk friend was going on and on about how I have a nice husband but I should be with my guy friend and maybe I should consider a divorce if I’m not happy . She told me how beautiful and perfect I was . Well the next morning my guy friends , friend the one who stole a text from his phone messaged me in which I nicely told her I didn’t want her in my business and I wasn’t trying to lead on my guy friend . She flipped out at me and I blocked her . I even showed my husband and we all thought she was psychotic . I was hanging out with my guy friend later and we were discussing it and I was a little annoyed that he was sort of feeding in to the lies , of them saying I cheated twice and was a liar . However later that night , I was about to go home when he got a message from one of my former friends and my best friends friend . She was saying how if he needed someone to talk to she was there .. And that’s when he told me about how his friend told a bunch of my former friends . I messages them and my best friend lied saying she hadn’t heard anything … Until the 5 of them tore me to shreds saying I wasn’t an angel , I’m a manipulator , I lies about what my best friend had said and threw her under the bus )note it’s five different people beating me down) I was a cheater and I needed to admit it . I apologized for anything I did wrong maybe in my life but not any specifics and they accused me of trying to save face . Needless to say I lost my “friends” who months earlier I had told myself not to be friends with after another incident … But that hadn’t done anything wrong before or so I thought . Last night I spent time in my quiet spot , after quitting my job , having an interview with a new one , realizing the 2 friends I had and my husband … I felt okay … My guy friend after seeing what they did to me apologized for ever believing them. It was now my time to think … I was listening to music, and watching the sun go down when it hit me … I re read the messages … Re thought of what had happens and maybe what I did to start it …. I had studied a little bit of psychology …. And I looked it up ” manipulative behavior ” that’s when I ran into this post … I am a private , and loyal person … My best friend has always showed signs of manipulation , I’m fact just the last two weeks she was playing victim and trying to get a guy fired at our job because she didn’t like him and she even twisted my words . She twisted my words when she attacked me the other night and took her friends of whom were my friends , one protective , one a mouth piece and very caring , one a needs to know it all , and the other gullible and turned them on me … I already had bad standings with them do to my disagreeing with something they wanted me to think was right … I might be a manipulator sometimes … Never one who would do after things if it hurts others … But I had just been manipulated by another manipulator . My guy friend showed me a post by the girl who said she was there of he needed to talk saying she didn’t know what was really going on and was tired of being dragged into things . And he told me about his now ex friends last text to him and how she got all of her information from my best friend , who for months has been sucking me In , making me appear as a drunk, a cheater , a gay hater , and in her own words a manipulative bitch . I am no longer friends with any of them .. But my few friends want to salvage my title …. Bit there’s no way ( someone as my friends say as smart ) as me can go against someone like her and I DON’T want my guy friend involved . I told him months ago don’t trust her she tends to lie … And now I’m playing the fool … The question is, having been her best friend for 12 years, how can I stop her from hurting others and why?
WolfOctober 27th, 2014 at 5:08 PM
Thank you so much, I looked up NPD and she definitely has it bad. This clarified everything. Even just in one day, I caught her doing things that are clearly NPD-indicative now that I know what to look for. I’m thankfully a few months away from eighteen so I’ll be out of here pretty soon, but the way all of everyone who I know is rigged by her to be a “safety-net” of sorts, it’s going to be rough trying to escape her completely.
Anyway, I’m so glad I decided to comment, thanks for taking the time to analyze and respond to what I said. It’s greatly appreciated!
Abandoning my Manipulative FamilyNovember 29th, 2014 at 9:58 AM
I’m 27 years of age. My family has always hurt me kicked me when I am down, stolen from me, lied to me, etc. This year I was abandoned by them for the holidays right after miscarriage and I just lost the mother that was forced to abandon me. Never got to meet her. But apparently she loved me enough to write every birthday holiday etc.. never got to read her letters cause my dad’s mom kept them. My dad and her are afraid of what’s in those letters. On occassion I have been told there is a 50/50 chance I’m not even related. So I said f*** it and figured I’m not losing much I’m married to a wonderful man and have a strong support group in his family. I said enough is enough and cut all ways to contact me. Didn’t have any effect till I cancelled my dad’s cell and deregistered his kindle. Does he visit? Nope just calls my husband nonstop who is blocking him. Not that he know that.
NatalieMarch 22nd, 2015 at 5:03 PM
It seems it has been organized for me to be manipulated everywhere I go people start saying things they turn around and say to the other person “she says” and makes up a statement. Often I start to get the idea what they say will be something that will happen 2 me in the future. They use mind reading tech or some thing and get lots of people to do it. If I go to a place often they get people to do it. They will also pick out random things and say them usually imlying they are about me or to me. Little things. Usually they chant at me and they get really mad if I get really mad with them and tell them to stop or they ignore me and say no.
I wonder if my family is in the gang.
KatieJune 26th, 2015 at 3:03 AM
Hello, I’ve been having a problem for about a year now and need help asap. So I met this this guy while I was in high school. I was 17 he was 27. We started talking and seemed to have everything in common. Like soul mates, it was so unreal. We fell in love. He got evicted from his apartment. I was still living at home. My mother allowed him to stay with us because he literally had nowhere to go. PAUSE.. I’ll pick back up on that first let me describe my mother.. She is bipolar and has multiple personalities and can be a manipulative person at times, depending how she can benefit from situations. Okay let me continue. I was tired of living with her just because of how manipulative she can be. So I had a plan, the day I turn 18 I’m moving out. Well months pass and I turn 18. A month after my birthday my mom got into some fit and decided to make me kick my boyfriend out. No reason given. I told him, he was fine with that. But I was 18… In love.. Tired of the bs going on in my life due to my mother. I was moving out. F&@k it. So we are on our journey together.. Had no where to go, I’m still enrolled in high school at the time. Slept in his car with no change of clothes. ( my mother held all of my possessions hostage, also came to my school threatening me ) so the next day we found a place to stay. I’m still going to school but my mom was making it impossible. Showing up at school starting fights to the point she was asked to leave.. So I decided to transfer schools so she couldn’t just show up and stay on my blue card (information card basically, idk why we call it blue cards) so I did. I dropped all communication with her. But.. Little did I know I was getting into an even more serious relationship with a manipulator. Months went by.. Our lovey dovey relationship transformed into hell. I noticed I lost all contact with my friends. Family. And even social media. I didn’t think anything of it though. I thought nobody cared. Then I started noticing we only seen his friends and family.. And we only did what HE WANTED TO DO. I started having this weird feeling inside of me, that I was unsafe in this relationship but safe at the same time.. We would get into fights until I would be on the ground broken, crying waterfalls. Then he would comfort me.. After how intense our fights were..? I felt distressed, always wrong, scared, insecure and worried. But lately I’ve decided to continue a relationship with my mom.. He didn’t like the thought of that… Would never take me over there (I don’t have a car nor live near a metro station) so I somehow was allowed to spend only 24 hours over there. ALL OF MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY came to visit me… I felt as if it was an intervention even though no one said anything. After everyone left my mom told me they all think I’m in a manipulative relationship. I started wondering.. I went home to my boyfriend and he started apologizing for how he acted about me staying with my mom. Red flag…! Later that day I googled ” how to tell if I’m being manipulated “. He had every single sign of a manipulator.. I’m 100% sure I’m being manipulated. I just do not know how to get the hell out of this relationship. I know you may say “just leave ” it’s hard to do so when he has a kid who calls you mommy.. I need help asap I’m seriously going insane. Help pleaseeeee! 😰😰
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