x

Find the Right Therapist

Find the Right Therapist

Advanced Search | Don't show me this again.

 

I’m Introverted and Socially Awkward … How Can I Make Friends?

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I don't know how to make friends. I am generally just a negative and suspicious and sarcastic person, and I don't go out of my way to meet people because I assume they won't like me. I don't even know how to meet people. I am also really introverted, so that doesn't help. I am afraid that anything I say will sound stupid. I haven't been diagnosed, but I am sure I have social anxiety. A party is the last place I want to be. I don't know how to overcome my social awkwardness to get to a point where I can make friends. I don't even have a best friend. I have NO friends. I am stuck. What can I do? - Socially Stymied

Dear Socially Stymied,

Thanks for writing. From what I could glean from your relatively brief message, I sensed both anxiety and some possible defensiveness on your part in regard to meeting people. Humor, like anything else, can be used a number of ways; by “sarcastic” I wonder if you mean laughing with or laughing at the potential friend. (Or if it’s taken as the latter even if you intend the former, by someone who doesn’t yet know you.)

Suspicion and negativity, too, can be used for self-protection, thus I make a very rough guess that perhaps there is a fear of being hurt. I’m wondering if you have been hurt by people in the past and are wary of trusting again? Or is there a crisis of confidence or self-esteem that might make you wary of allowing people to get to know you? (The fear of “once people really know me, they won’t like me” is very common.) I can assure you that everyone goes through such a challenge at one time or another; people who question their confidence or abilities are almost always harder on themselves than anyone else.

The other theme in your message is loneliness. When you say you have neither a best friend nor any friends, my heart twinged. Perhaps there’s some frustration and confusion there. Of course, I am highly biased given my profession, but this kind of conundrum—wanting to be safe while wanting to connect with others (who might potentially hurt or disappoint us)—is very common and precisely what a good psychotherapist would explore with you in a safe, productive manner. If my first deduction about self-protection is true, then it stands to inference that some past experience has left an emotional scar. I have a therapist friend who says that no one escapes trauma completely, that there is trauma with a big “T” and a little “t”. Even little t’s can make one wary of new relationships.

It also might be worth pausing to reflect about the negativity and sarcasm, which can be endearing or off-putting, depending on context. I’m not entirely sure what you mean by negativity. And if you’re being sarcastic about some pop-culture figure or the latest politician in trouble, for instance, that can be an icebreaker; if it’s about the host of the party, it could backfire. You may have a dry wit, for instance (which I always appreciate), but does it come across more cutting than you intend?

Here’s a little tip: People like to talk about themselves and what they do. Not because people are self-centered but because they’re looking to share their stories and, in many ways, reduce the isolation and loneliness you’re describing. To have another person actually interested in us and our experiences is reassuring. In fact, I’d say all of my clients struggle mightily with this issue; some modern psychologists believe loneliness and alienation is our culture’s biggest challenge. (Read Erich Fromm, Ernest Becker, or Viktor Frankl’s superb Man’s Search for Meaning if you’re interested in this.) In fact, I have found success socially—in spite of shyness—because I like to hear people’s stories and share a little of my own. As the old adage goes, “God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason.” (It’s also a great way to get dates, by the way, provided the person allows equal air time.) It continues to amaze me how we humans have so much more in common, emotionally and psychologically, than we realize. We are all pretty much in the same cosmic boat.

I wish you the best of luck and would comfortably guess the problem is not as dire as it feels. And there’s no shame in getting a little help to iron out temporary challenges, which all of us have at one time or another. Thanks again for writing.

Sincerely,

 
Comments
  • lil February 9th, 2013 at 4:30 AM #1

    Is this who you really are or is this just what other people have always said about you and you have internalized it and come to believe it?

    There are so many different ways to meet new people. Have you tried church nor something like that? That can be a great place to meet other people in a setting where they should not be judgemental of you at all!

  • Ginger. February 9th, 2013 at 11:49 AM #2

    I have never really had this problem so it is kinda hard to relate to it. But I understand that there has to be a lot of pain and frustration that you are experiencing as a result of this consuming shyness and anxiety.

    The one thing that I can say that I see as a good this is that at least you have started to feel like maybe this is not the life that you want to lead. You are looking to have something more in life and something better and I think that this is a very good start for you. I think that once you put yourself out there you will see that there are probably a lot of people who want to get to know you and that you would like to get to know too. I wish you the best of luck!

  • Brian February 10th, 2013 at 9:18 AM #3

    Everybody has doubts of the self.When you’re unsure and lack confidence know that it is the same for most people if not all. Do not think of yourself as inferior. Everybody is worried about their reputation and likeability quotient.If you can convince yourself that you are no less than anybody or that others do not judge you as you do to yourself you would be good to go!

  • aziz February 11th, 2013 at 3:54 AM #4

    Have you ever tried working with a therapist one on one? This could make a huge difference for you

  • madeline February 11th, 2013 at 3:10 PM #5

    I had this problem and am currently employing the following technique. early days but hey its starting to show it works:

    just get out and meet new people. say whatever you want to. you think you sound stupid?so what? those people are not going to remember what you said a few days later. and anyway if they find you stupid you don’t have to worry at all. because they will not be a friend to you. DO NOT care about what other people think. that is the main concept at work here.

  • monasa February 12th, 2013 at 12:47 PM #6

    You feel like that because you think the next person may not accept you for who you are. The reality is that that person next door is exactly the same as you. Whatever your feeling, they feel too, however as they’ve made themselves come across as a confident person, that’s all it took for people to start ‘accepting’ them or ‘knowing’ them as a confident person. Its the same with you, because you’ve so frequently come across as an inward or shy person, most people like that walk around in a bubble that gives of a message saying ‘stay away, i’m in my world’ that people are often scared to break so don’t talk to. Try this, for one day, just imagine that the people around you are all babies, little small, cute babies that you don’t care how you come across to.And literally speak your heart out, just for one day, and see how it works. Best case scenario, a conversation strikes up with someone and you get to know them perhaps. Worst case scenario, You’ve perhaps shouted. Just try it, see if it works, just for a day!

    Good Luck and I hope you find the bestest friends ever!

  • Darren Haber, MFT February 16th, 2013 at 10:17 PM #7

    Thanks to all those who wrote in comments.

  • SixxBoomBang February 21st, 2013 at 1:33 AM #8

    This isn’t professional advise but your introverted ways might be a sign of being able to be self sufficient and people not fulfilling what standard you might imagine them to be at. For example if you were in a role playing club, one might expect everyone there to be interested in role playing. After going a few days you find that the group does role play but it is in such a mocking way that you would consider it a joke rather than a different style of playing and thus you leave.

    In addition to the many problems each person must hurdle to make a new friend we must also hurdle the expectations we have for others or that they have for us. Its part of what makes things hard for me at least.

  • Mike November 20th, 2013 at 8:03 PM #9

    youtu.be/Iy2k5vM3qLs

    Awkwardly making friends.

    You’ll be fine.

  • Lisa January 1st, 2014 at 4:20 PM #10

    Hi, looking for a good therapist for my 16yr son that is very sad and depressed. All he wants is to know where he fits into this world and wants to feel some happiness. Very smart but needs help to get back on track. Much more, but would like to find some help that works with this age. Anaheim, Ca.

  • Darren Haber January 2nd, 2014 at 7:28 AM #11

    Hi Lisa. Pls send me your email to darren@therapistinlosangeles.com and I’ll send you some referrals. Thanks to you and everyone for the excellent responses!

  • Andrew Burgon April 14th, 2014 at 5:34 PM #12

    Socially Stymied,

    Time to get your feet wet. If parties cause you anxiety then start by finding individuals and small groups to hang out with socially then ease into parties by going to small ones or ones that your friends are going to. It’s not mandatory, of course, to attend parties but they do offer some great social experiences. You may find that you might be more comfortable at a particular kind of party like a board game party or a comedy party.

    If you follow this route two things in particular should grow if you are determined to make friends. Your social capacity and your social confidence.

    Social capacity has to do with how many people you can socially accommodate in your life. My social capacity grew to a point where I could easily get 15 people up for a game of beach volleyball or 20 for a party at my home. As for social confidence it’s a game changer that will help you draw the kind of friends you desire into your life.

    Being overly shy, having poor self-esteem or an inferiority complex need to be ditched. These things give off a wrong vibe, may cause us to behave strangely and worst of all hold us back from having the friends we desire. So the next time you feel like avoiding social interaction with somebody because you feel they won’t like you do the exact opposite! If you keep doing this you should find that this feeling that people won’t like you will diminish.

    Andrew Burgon
    Project Fellowship

  • Brandon July 12th, 2014 at 3:24 PM #13

    You say do the exact opposite or to do things that describe an introvert in the opposite ……. We/us/they are introverts for a reason!! It isn’t in your so called “nature” to just do what you say to do so ….. You act like you make yourself out to be an introvert but have changed cause of one person cause of one drunken night out….. I’ve got friends who who people from who knows where and I know some of them I rather just keep walking an pretend I didn’t see them…. You should seriously do your research before making a comment in how to fix things you clearly know very little about….

Leave a Reply

By commenting you acknowledge acceptance of GoodTherapy.org's Terms and Conditions of Use.

 

 

 

* = Required fields