Help! My Wife Is Spending Us into Bankruptcy
Dear Maxed Out,
Thanks for your question. Boy, that is a doozy of a choice: bankruptcy or divorce. Would you rather lose the arm or the leg? It really does sound like your wife has a shopping addiction or compulsion that needs addressing sooner rather than later. As an addiction specialist, here are the (somewhat unsavory) choices I see you facing. The crux of it is this: get help … for both you and your wife. You are in a seriously traumatic situation, facing several imminent losses, and I would therefore suggest you:
- Find a couples counselor with experience in addiction. To make sure the counselor has this experience, ask him or her to give you a treatment plan for a couple where one is addicted. A good counselor will ask both parties to get help; a competent counselor understands that addiction (or destructive compulsion such as constant overspending) is a family issue. You are experiencing the trauma of facing bankruptcy and/or the loss of your partner, which is frightening to say the least (and probably causes strong resentments and/or fears, which is but one reason support for you is crucial). An inexperienced counselor will say, “Welp, not much you can do except get a divorce lawyer or cut up the credit cards.” You might want to consult with a divorce attorney, just for information’s sake—like tips on how to protect yourself financially—but I honestly don’t think that’s the most important thing initially. I think the most important thing is that you realize your wife has something akin to an addiction (or manic behavior, which often involves highly compulsive behaviors)—and that you take care of yourself, to ensure you make the calmest, most reasonable decisions possible. Even if she doesn’t agree to the couples counseling, I suggest you …
- Get yourself a therapist who understands addictions, for an outlet to vent, complain, cry, whatever … so that you can find some calm and at least passing serenity, to listen to what your heart and intuition are telling you. Otherwise, you will be acting out of reactivity and rage (or terror) and may make rash decisions you regret. Your wife needs help, and for your own conscience’s sake, you probably want to at least give her the opportunity to get help. You can search GoodTherapy.org for couples counselors and individual therapists.
- Attend a few Al-Anon meetings. Now, Al-Anon technically is for people who have a friend or family member “whose drinking or sobriety is bothering” the attendee. However, people in Al-Anon usually have very good experience with boundaries, and setting boundaries with compassion and detachment rather than a flamethrower. (Rage and resentment are completely understandable reactions, of course; it’s the decisions and actions taken I’m focusing on here.) You can share at the meeting in a general way about “my wife’s addiction” or talk to people afterward; I’d be surprised if at least a handful didn’t offer some practical, experienced suggestions.
- I would also look into a recovery program designed for precisely the issue you and your wife face: compulsive debting. Debtors Anonymous was created to help those who behave exactly like your wife. Here is their website, in case you want to go to a meeting to talk to some members for guidance or get some literature. You can, of course, mention this program to your wife, but I’d suggest you either go with her or go on your own to find out about one possible approach to treating this compulsive “debting.”
You may decide these meetings are not right for you or your situation in the long run, but if you try and listen with an open mind, you will hopefully discover you’re not alone in this, and many individuals and couples have recovered from a seemingly hopeless situation.
Which brings me to the emotional side of this. After you’ve tried some or all of the above, you’ll want to sit down with your wife and say, in as caring a way as possible, you are very concerned and would like her to get help (as in couples counseling or individual therapy). If she refuses, you may bring up the other tough choices you’re looking at. The point is, the current situation is intolerable, and you’re taking action and suggest she does the same. (This way you’re both doing something, and she’s “following along” rather than being shamed or cajoled into anything.) In other words, you feel you both need to do something different or you’re both heading for the poorhouse. You can stress how much this is hurting you. (Use “I feel” rather than “you” statements; as in “I feel terrified,” “I feel hurt” by her unwillingness to stop, etc.) This is harder than it sounds, which is why the support for you is so crucial. Your wife may need your help if she first refuses help then later “hits bottom” in realizing she is in fact drowning.
You may be thinking “why is she doing this to me,” but that might not be necessarily the case, or the whole of it. She may need treatment for mania, or is avoiding some kind of trauma, or is somehow addicted to the powerful “high” of shopping (much more common in our hyper-materialist culture than people realize). But my bottom line for you, since you have so wisely reached out for help, is to stabilize and soothe yourself in the midst of this traumatic chaos, and then have the conversation with her or begin contemplating the hard decisions.
If you want more information or consultation, feel free to contact me. Thanks again for writing. I hope your wife agrees to get the help she needs.
Kind regards,
Darren
Darren Haber
- 10 comments
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Brendan
July 25th, 2014 at 2:41 PMthis one hits a little close to home for me and definitely gives me some things to think about this weekend
my wife has simliar habits and no matter what i say or how i approach the conversation she seems to be oblivious to the problems -
Darren H.
July 25th, 2014 at 7:43 PMThanks Brendan. I hope that some of what I said was helpful.
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Brendan
July 26th, 2014 at 1:13 PMdavid it really has been perfect food for thought. we have been struggling with some of these things for a long time and it feels sort of insurmountable right now but one thing at a time right?
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Margot
July 27th, 2014 at 5:15 AMMy two cents- you guys need some counseling, together and individually.
It is clear that your wife has a problem and that her cations are adding major friction to this marriage that is already in trouble. She may not even recognize the severity of her actions yet aas she hasn’t hit rock bottom and hasn’t faced the reality of pain that her spending is causing to the marriage.
No matter how much you say this to her she may have a better understanding of this if the two of you went together to a therapist so that you can share with her what you are going through and she won’t feel like she is being attacked. This can be like neutral territory for her.
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veronique
July 27th, 2014 at 11:34 AMYou do have to be pretty careful in these situations though to make sure that your name is not attached to all of the credit issues that this could raise.
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James
July 29th, 2014 at 4:15 AMAnyone who has ever even thought that money and financial worries is not the biggest leading cost of divorce is out of their minds because all you have to do is read this and know that for everyone who would ever write in about this there are a dozen others who are embarassed and never would. There are just some people who have no clue how to manage their money and they end up ruining pretty great things because of that inability.
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Darren Haber MFT
August 4th, 2014 at 10:44 PMThanks everyone for your comments.
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Josef
August 6th, 2014 at 12:30 PMMight be time to play hard ball with her.
get a lawyer and find out what your real options are instead of just assuming that she would get half.
Then go have a nice long conversation with her about what you found out and see if she will then come aorund to the fact that your marriage (and her!) have a real problem. -
Ken
August 6th, 2018 at 11:45 PMShe does not care. Mine is the same. Sense of entitlement and narcissism. End of free ride. Divorce is next. She is coming out of the marriage with more money than I had coming in. That’s what they do. Once they run out, they are already looking for the next mark. Her behavior has already changed, refusing to spend time together unless she is spending money on trips and shopping. She has already demanded to go to Europe due to Facebook peer pressure. What a basket job. A big trip every year. Shopping every day. Small amount of money spent on groceries that lasts two days. Otherwise, it’s I need to go to a shopping mall or I need to go out to eat. Pre-fix chef menu sound familiar? Michelin Star restaurant or not eating at all?
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Allie
July 23rd, 2020 at 8:24 AMI’m going to be the bad one here… I’m a woman who works in an industry that is mostly male dominated (STEM). As a result, I’ve got to hang out with the wives/girlfriends a lot. I’ve heard how these women think/act behind closed doors for decades. Not all are like this, but I would say about 90% deliberately target slightly awkward (despite being very intelligent in other ways) men that they think have potential to make money and can manipulate more easily. Normally those in their late 20s to late 30s (the older men tend to either be taken already or have been through the ringer before and are a bit wiser now). They hide any debts they have or that they have a spending problem. Many target men abroad so it’s more difficult for the guys to meet their friends/family and find out they have any issues (about half of my current team is married to foreign women). They push to marry very quickly, move over here, then keep up the act for 6-12 months until they can get the man to buy them a big house, car, pets, holidays, gym membership, whatever else they want on the promise of working hard to share the cost later on. The husband thinks it’s fine, as they will have two big salaries to pay off the debt in the future and the wife just needs ‘time to settle in’ (I hear that argument over and over and over).
That ‘later’ never arrives. The women will find an excuse to not work for as long as humanly possible. They are busy decorating the new house, they are busy redoing their CV, they are busy creating a new business they have suddenly decided they are going to run (that they soon give up on), they are busy doing whatever else to avoid just getting a damn job. If they do finally get a job, it either won’t last, or the hours/effort will decrease to part time or less because ‘work stresses them out’. At the same time they will expect the same lifestyle on just one or one and a half salaries, while also getting annoyed if he works too much and doesn’t give her attention 24/7.
Ten years later (if they even last that long), she either admits she has been cheating or he admits they are bankrupt, or she just gets bored and leaves to find the next sucker, while telling everyone who will listen about how evil he was and how badly he treated her.
These women view you as a personal cash machine and nothing else. They don’t care that you are going into debt because they think they have a god-given right to spend all your money. Many will actually tell you to your face that they have a god-given right to your money. Why do you think gold-diggers push for marriage so quickly? They know men still view marriage as if we are living in medieval times and will actually take the vows seriously, so the wife will have huge leverage to guilt-trip you the whole time you are together. They will brag to other women that you are an idiot, that they married for money, that they got you to buy x, y, z for them this week, that you ‘are so mean for making them work’ (if you actually manage to), and even ask your own colleagues/employees to help her cheat (I’ve had a couple do this now).
You are all adults and can do whatever you like. But my advice would be dump her to the curb and find a woman who isn’t a gold-digger. She likely won’t care about marriage (other than a ceremony rather than legal) and will be just as wary of losing her money to someone. Yes, you may have to sell the house and buy another one, but if you stay with the gold-digger, you will likely end up losing it anyway (plus a lot more). It just won’t be on your terms. There are a lot more women out there that will want to be with you for love rather than money.
You made a mistake in marrying her. It sucks. It likely won’t get better. Decide if you want to spend the rest of your life working yourself into the ground, having a parasite leech off you for decades, with nothing to show for it at the end. If you’re only staying with her because she’s pretty… there are other pretty women out there, there is (very good) cosmetic surgery now, and all women are going to get old anyway. Don’t delude yourself into marrying or staying married for looks.
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