Top 5 Reasons a Partner Leaves (and How to Cope)

Couple having problemsTrying to figure out why your partner/spouse left you can become the bane of your existence. Even if there appears on the surface to be an obvious and uncomfortable reason, your brain will search for answers that feel satisfying and rational.

The truth is that there are probably a million reasons for his or her departure, but the one you choose to believe will set the tone for your perspective, attitude, and experience going forward.

For example, it’s typically easier to digest the idea that you and your partner “grew apart” than it is to consider the possibility that he or she fell out of love with you. The first reason is practical and plausible; the latter can be a devastating blow to the heart and ego.

You may never get the answer you are looking for from your partner, but there are several common reasons why someone leaves a relationship. Below are the top five reasons for leaving that I hear about while working with divorcing couples in my therapy practice.

Reasons Partners Leave

1. Your partner wasn’t in love with you anymore. This is one of the most common reasons people leave a relationship. You could argue that all long-term relationships lose their spark, but falling out of love usually is code for “I’m done here.” While there are cases in which couples fall back in love, most often it’s hard to renew this emotional connection.

How to cope: As hard as it is, try not to take this personally. Remember that people fall in and out of love all the time, and you probably don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t love you deeply anyway. Heal your ego and your heart first, and then see where you stand with your emotions.

2. Your partner felt like you became more like a sibling than a partner. Many committed relationships and marriages, particularly those that start at a young age, turn from romantic to familial.

These are couples that “grow up” together and then “grow apart.” Husbands become brotherly, and wives become sisterly, until it just feels too weird to be romantic. These are hard situations because there is still a strong emotional connection, but no physical connection. Many people choose to stay in these kinds of marriages, but for many, giving up romance and sex is just not an option.

How to cope: If this is the reason for your divorce or breakup, you probably had a good go of it. The relationship was most likely very comfortable and “good” in many ways, but trust that you will rekindle some of your romantic spark and realize that your marriage was unfulfilling. Cherish what you had, and work on closing that chapter as you prepare for the next.

3. Your partner felt ignored and unappreciated. As with a garden, when a relationship isn’t tended to, it withers and dies. If you under-appreciated your partner or neglected to nurture the bond between you, your partner might have broken off like a dead limb on a tree. Maybe there were reasons you didn’t want to put energy and time into the relationship, or perhaps you felt like it was your partner’s job as much as yours. This all may be true, but once the life goes out of the partnership, it takes a lot of work to cultivate it back to where it needs to be.

How to cope: Work on taking responsibility for your part, forgiving yourself for what you could have done differently, and letting go of how you think it should have been. Try to relinquish anger and resentment to create space for understanding and growth.

4. Your partner met someone else. This is often the most painful reason for a leaving, but it’s also sometimes the easiest to accept. The message is so strong and clear when there is infidelity. Infidelity can severely strain a relationship and the people involved unlike opaque reasons such as boredom or lack of compatibility. Coming back from an affair is possible, but most often the trust is severed and cannot be recovered. Cheating partners often don’t even want to work on saving the relationship or marriage, increasing levels of frustration and hurt.

How to cope: Try not to take too much of a righteous or moral stance. The reasons for affairs are very “gray” and multilayered. It’s easy to get trapped in black-and-white thinking, but you will need to expand your concept of the situation to truly heal.

5. Your partner doesn’t have anything in common with you anymore. This always seems like something that can be worked on or fixed, but when two people live separate lives, they can eventually grow too far apart. This happens slowly and mysteriously until, one day, there are no common interests and someone gets bored and wants to move on. In many cases, there were no common interests to start with, making coming back together even harder.

How to cope: This is a great opportunity and time to ask yourself what you want to do with your time and how you want to live. As hard as it can be to lose your partner, there probably is some part of you that shut down or got lost in the relationship. Rediscover that now.

Coping with the end of a relationship can be difficult on many levels. There is no shame in seeking professional support from a counselor or therapist if you need or want it.

© Copyright 2021 All rights reserved. Permission to publish granted by Andra Brosh, PhD

The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.

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  • Gwendolyn

    July 24th, 2013 at 11:58 AM

    Very timely
    My husband’s sister just got served with divorce papers today
    I think that when the hurt has worn off a little I will let her read this

  • Katelyn

    September 11th, 2018 at 6:15 PM

    I can’t cope with the pain of my break up. Can’t eat or sleep, I feel depressed. Can’t sleep without the sleeping pills or wine. And to make things worse I think I’m getting addicted to them. How can I make myself feel better and sleep better?

  • The Team

    September 12th, 2018 at 11:06 AM

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  • barb

    July 25th, 2013 at 4:20 AM

    The first reaction is to blame blame blame. . . yourself or the other person.
    Usually it is a combination of both, don’t you think?

  • Suzanne m

    March 1st, 2018 at 10:14 PM

    Well one thing you’ve not mentioned is being with an alcoholic. That stayed off the booze with your love and support then started to lie and drink because they’re bipolar. There’s a reason to leave someone. Also how about you’re the one who threw him out because after losing your whole family he tells you that he hopes you die of cancer. How about that?

  • lana

    July 25th, 2013 at 2:17 PM

    This is one of the best articles I’v read on goodtherapy so far. very true. it explains all the reasons that I’v ever left a relationship or been dumped (but that only happened once)

    I think #2 is the hardest one

  • sallie

    July 25th, 2013 at 4:28 PM

    What about #6…You were just an abusive alcoholic and I was sick and tired of being your punching bag?

  • Birdie

    November 12th, 2016 at 5:33 PM

    Sounds familiar except mine was emotional abuse

  • toni

    December 6th, 2016 at 8:16 AM

    That makes two of us

  • msprice

    January 9th, 2017 at 7:40 AM

    yip, happened to me too, thank g i kept postponing the wedding date or id be stuck in an abusive marriage with a traumatized kid

  • Jake D

    March 9th, 2017 at 1:44 PM

    The number one rule of Christianity is forgiveness. I don’t care if you were tired of being the blunt, you took vows that said through sickness and in health. Jesus did not ever condone abusive behavior but he also didn’t give you a right to judge your partner in a mental or physical illiness. The devil has taken him or her over but it is up to you to be the bigger person and fight through it. Obviously, you wanted to marry him/her and you knew that marriage was tough. Its time to accept that forgiveness and love don’t have corners or boundaries. The more you attempt to this the farther you push your spouse toward what the evil wanted to begin with, loneliness, despair, and hurt. None of these are what God intended for marriage. Do not let what God has put together be destroyed by a man/woman or their actions. Forgive and love, indefinitely.

  • joanne

    April 21st, 2017 at 6:32 AM

    REALLY??? What about when you discover he’s gay… discovering multiple affairs he has had? Are we supposed to stay through that too? What about when he abandons you because you won’t be his beard anymore?

  • Joanne

    February 27th, 2018 at 6:24 AM

    Or how about when you know they’re gay, but realize they aren’t leaving because you are paying the bills while they go to college, work, run the roads and do his thing. Mean while you no longer car because there just aren’t enough years left in my life to even care about. I’m so tired, can’t cry anymore..don’t even have enough energy to be angry.

  • Grace C

    March 19th, 2018 at 3:32 PM

    I started this relationship and had a son at age 19 years.. I did it all. forgiveness and love unconditionally, but when you are the only one keeping the commandments it is hard. after 45 years i gave into Separation in 2012, and he insisted on A Divorce and and started on in Sept 2012 which was bitter and financially. 2015 he wanted to return but i was afraid to living together so i left him out there. I did not seek another relationship because I honoured my commitments and the Lord but in 2016 my husband finally disclosed that he was suffering from Cancer. Suffering from Depressing and other sickness as gotten worse for me. I had two children who needs to complete their dreams. My kinds and I are are now stuck between the rock and a hard place.. I tried under the circumstances but we need temporary help moving forward.. And more

  • anon

    August 1st, 2013 at 5:11 PM

    Only 5? What about:
    *they feel smothered
    *they don’t have time for a relationship
    *they need to take some time for themselves
    *the relationship feels like too much work

    There are not only 5 reasons a relationship ends is all I’m pointing out. And it definitely should not be limited to the 5 mentioned here.

  • barbi pecenco

    August 1st, 2013 at 9:04 PM

    Well I agree that these might be some of the reasons people leave, but I disagree with the “coping” responses.

    If you are married and these things happen, underlying all of it, if there is a commitment to stay the course, and do the work to overcome these sorts of issues, couples can come back from all sorts of problems.

    Encouraging someone to move on because they have “lost the spark” seems simplistic and almost dangerous. With research saying couples lose the “I’m so madly in love with you” spark after 2 years at most, probably lots of couples wind up feeling like companions. And if it’s not normalized that this happens to lots of people, then they will wind up meeting and marrying someone else, and experience this same issue down the road.

    If one person leaves and isn’t willing to work on it, that’s one thing. But a committed couple can overcome any of these 5 “reason” and much more.

    Research has also found that of the couples who felt their marriage was in serious danger of ending but who stayed the course anyway, over 80+ percent of them wound up feeling very glad that they didn’t get divorced. People need real information or else they divorce prematurely and they often go on to divorce again and again (more research!)

  • tam

    August 10th, 2016 at 7:20 PM

    I agree. My husband was self-centered and his way or the highway, very critical and emotionally abusive, cold, cold, cold but we were always able to make up and have hung I n there 26years. But in the last 7months, he abruptly changed, despises me even talking or trying to work things out. He won’t explain this behavior and blames me, acts like he hates me and just has to get our because he can’t stand me all of a sudden . I am so heartbroken but the more I plead a nd get mad, and for fight for our marriage, the more he rejects me and doesn’t even want to talk. U keep trying to figure out what happened but he just won’t work together andsats he doesn’t want me anymore but doesn’t say why. It really hurts. Then at the same time, he says if I just “shut up” and leave him alone, he will just do his own thing and I can do mine. He also sleeps in another room if I pursue him or attempt to resolve anything or he leaves the house. Hi E said tonight for the first time ever that he doesn’t love me. I’m so sad and heartbroken and feel like I gave him my heart for nothing, wasted 26 years of my life. It’s awful.

  • edna

    August 19th, 2016 at 7:32 PM

    I feel for you. My husband of 32 years has just announced that he never loved me and is moving out. To make it all worse, I had no idea. I thought we had a decent marriage.

  • Shawn D

    October 30th, 2016 at 9:52 PM

    My heart aches with yours. Just before our 26th wedding anniversary my wife told me she no longer wanted to be in a relationship. She had an affair and i found out about, and I think she can’t stand living with the guilt, so by leaving the marriage the guilt goes away. We are separated now for 6 months. We have kids high school age. I still love her and want to be with her for the rest of my life. This has been like going through the pain of a 100 deaths. I couldn’t imagine it being so tough. I’m saying this to let you know that you are not the only one. And I have plenty of divorced friends who are now happy. Hang in there.

  • Megan

    November 6th, 2016 at 8:32 PM

    Jeez, sounds like the 26 year itch. My partner of 27 years has said he’s had enough. He had itchy feet a few years ago and spent some time travelling and living in different states for work but in the end he came home. All was hunky dory but he’s a moody sort and we’re back to “I hate it the house, neighbourhood etc”. Barking dogs are stressing him out and him yelling at the neighbours stresses me out. If we move, he doesn’t want to stay in the state but, the kind of small town where he would be happy generally has no work which in my view is not a win/win. I’m devastated. I’m no angel to live with but I always saw us together until the end. Very sad and bewildering for those of us in long term relationships.

  • Michelle

    January 28th, 2018 at 7:23 PM

    In a way i feel the same way. All of a sudden we move and after 32 years of marriage, recently he left with a girl who is my youngest daughters age her late 20’s. It is the hardest thing I ever been through. It is you used to do this , you used to do that. Even when I knew I didn’t do anything, I got blame for it. He started arguements out of no where and said it was me. I knew it was something . I worked he didn’t because of surgeries. So he had plenty of time to do what he wanted to do. and yes even now he is with his lover and left me in another state by myself. Never asked how I was, if I am okay, nothing. 32 years we have did everything together and it don’t feel right being alone. But I have no choice but to pick up my own pieces and move on because he left me with no choice. He is worried about more his material things than me or our marriage. He ask me to hire someone to put his things in storage. He left me broke. I still love him but at the same time I have to learn to stand by myself.

  • Andrew

    February 24th, 2018 at 4:23 PM

    I started loving my wife when I was 15. We started dating at 17 and married at 25. Im now 35. She has always suffered from mental health issues and I have been there for her come hell or high water. I stopped 2 suicide attempts, had to commit her to hospitals until she got out of her dark spots. I have had to monitor her medication intake and times for years to ensure her safety (on her request). We have a son who is just under 2 and was born 10 weeks early. My wife started suffering from post partem depression around his first birthday and I have been watching her slowly recede into herself over the last 9 months. Still, up until a week ago, she said she loved me, loves being with me and having a family… etc.
    On Valentines day, she decided to tell me she doesnt love me and has in fact hated me for the last 15 years, though showed no signs of it. She moved out without telling me on Valentines day when I was at work. She tried to abduct our son from daycare and it only didnt happen because my daycare worker knew of my wife’s history and that Im more of the primary caregiver because of her instability. My now separated wife has called the police on me for suicide watch (ive never been suicidal) and also called children’s aid because I might be a physical danger to our son (the only hitting Ive ever done is on the hockey rink). Both child services and the police realized the inaccuracies and now I have our son full time. I believe it is due to her sickness as we were two peas in a pod for the last 19 years.
    Now, she wont even speak to me as apparently Ive never helped her, or understood her sickness in her eyes. I have now lost my wife, my best friend and my confidant. I still love her with all my heart but she continues to treat me worse and worse. I kiss a picture of us as a family every night, kiss the wedding rings she left and wish on a star for us as a family. She has not even called to see how our son is doing and its been 10 days.
    I have full custody at the moment of our son for his safety….and all I think about is how to get my wife better so that she can come back and join the family. As of now, it has left me heartbroken.
    Ive taken 2 sessions of therapy now as I was so devastated and one thing I was told is that Im not alone.
    Reading these comments has made me feel less alone and I want to thank you all for sharing. Seems life will continue and I appreciate the hope you have instilled through sharing the stories you have all provided.
    Thank you all for being so brave, you have blazed a trail for me to follow.

  • Patrick A

    July 14th, 2019 at 11:58 AM

    it looks as if your man is suffering from mental health issues. His behavior is classic.

  • John

    September 1st, 2016 at 10:32 PM

    Barbi – I should have married you!

  • Uvette

    November 11th, 2016 at 3:59 PM

    Thank you I needed to hear this because my relationship is in trouble and I’m so in love with him

  • Megan

    November 13th, 2016 at 2:16 PM

    I’ve loved my partner for 27 years and still do. I think we’ve grown apart over the years but we still had a comfortable and affectionate relationship. He’s cut that off and I am bereft – no kiss, no cuddle, no sweet goodbye when he sees me off to work. What I’m trying to say is that it becomes about saving face. We’ve always argued, that’s how we get along, but each time someone says “I’ve had a gutful of this” there is an underlying hurt of all the things said when you get back to normality. It makes it easier to reach this point again. No-one can help you or tell you what to do, there are always going to be good and bad times in a relationship. It’s up to you whether you can see them through.
    For me – I’m hoping we can get back to normal but there is some doubt. We’ve never lost our affection and it seems to me that I’m the one who is expected to do all the changing.

  • Elaine

    May 27th, 2017 at 9:18 AM

    I agree with you 100%, but how do you hang in there and try to fix things when only one of you is mature enough to realize that love is a choice, and that if you can get through the rough patch, things will get better? My estranged husband wants a divorce after 23 years. I do, and I don’t. I’m so confused and conflicted.

  • Wayne

    January 30th, 2019 at 3:56 AM

    Very true .
    Look at the research it’s madness what people are ending marriages for .The problem is you are supposed to be a team function as a team nothing else or anyone else matters . Be greatful for what you have not what you don’t. Grass is not always greener and a lot of times they are then in a new relatioship only to wakeup one day and find they feel exactly the same as they did in the previous relationship .Talk to each other sort problems out no one is perfect don’t badmouth the other person . I am not saying you have to stay with someone who no longer is committed to the team in a very damaging way but the research shows people are throwing the towell in for very small reasons. Solicitors dont help you can go to them and tell them anything and they will help you.
    It’s about being happy and greatful for what you have not what you don’t getting frustrated because you can’t get your own way and wanting to destroy the other person who at one time you were supposed to love .
    Take a step back look in the mirror .If you have everything but see nothing where does the problem lie.

  • Mili

    October 28th, 2019 at 10:16 PM

    I totally agree, people shouldn’t feel like they can just leave if the spark is not there anymore. There are always ways and things to try other than giving up.

  • nadia

    August 2nd, 2013 at 4:20 AM

    Good one Sallie!

  • Jodi

    August 4th, 2013 at 7:54 AM

    I didn’t like the use of pronouns on this article…”he” feels unappreciated, “she” met someone else, “he” doesn’t love you anymore. Any of these reasons could be applied to either partner in a relationship.

  • Tom

    October 6th, 2013 at 8:01 PM

    ah, someone wasn’t paying attention at the beginning of the

  • Lihle

    August 5th, 2013 at 9:00 AM

    Wow great article. I can see people are very emotional and have missed that these are the top 5 reasons not the only reasons cos obviously the list could be very long if that were the case. And also pointing out that you did state you’ll be using he/she alternately so as to not take sides which means that it could be by any partner. It just goes to show that when people are emotional can become defensive and only understand whats written in their own way regardless of whats written, from reading some of the comments. But I enjoyed the article….simply great

  • anon1111

    August 15th, 2013 at 5:34 PM

    This information was compiled from divorced couples, or as it may seem, long-term relationships. Despite the length of a relationship, each partner must be committed to doing their share of the work, and communicating their own needs. Keeping that balance would lessen the likelihood of the above 5 reasons, or other reasons like it being too much work, from occurring .

  • Andra Brosh

    October 7th, 2013 at 8:45 AM

    Yes, I think many people skim the article missing some really relevant information. Unfortunately these pieces need to meet the reader where he or she is, so there will definitely be different perspectives based on the context of each individual’s situation. With regard to Barbi’s comment, the article is written under the divorce section so I am speaking to people who are completely uncommitted and have left, or the abandoned partner who has no choice in the matter. Research on keeping couples together is awesome, but if you’ve ever been through a divorce you will know that statistics and research don’t heal a broken heart. Thanks for your input.

  • Christy

    January 16th, 2014 at 6:08 PM

    How do you deal with him not loving you anymore, he felt unappreciated, he started heavily texting another married woman for over a month, and you don’t have anything in common? We fell apart in every way possible.

  • Nicole

    February 20th, 2014 at 6:23 PM

    Christy, you just summed up my life since December. I wish I had an answer for you. Just know you are not alone.

  • Jacquie

    February 20th, 2014 at 8:05 PM

    How about being married to a Sociopath who hid his traits before marriage and afterwards used emotional, verbal and physical abuse to control you, who isolated you from family and gave nothing while taking everything. I was left an emotional and physical wreck by this man who now controls our young adult children in the same manner and through manipulation, self pity and denouncing me to them, he tries to make them dislike and disrespect me. Luckily it isn’t working and they can see his behaviour for what it is which makes him even more bitter and he subsequently blames everyone else for people not wanting anything to do with him.

    Young women – make sure you know all about a man before you commit because those few less desirable traits you have some doubts about may end up becoming major aspects of his character. The same applies to young men who can be fooled by a charming female sociopath/narcissist.

  • Zibbie17

    October 8th, 2014 at 1:22 AM

    cry me a River

  • amber2

    February 12th, 2015 at 12:32 PM

    Totally relate. .. blamed for everything. .. It’s just awful

  • tam

    August 10th, 2016 at 7:26 PM

    That describes my husband exactly and I get sucked into thinking it’s my fault. All part of the manipulation. He us definitely a narcissist. I don’t know how to break out and go figure, yes constantly telling me he’s going to divorce me.

  • Elik

    May 22nd, 2018 at 1:09 PM

    Great resource for those hurting, and I mean real hurting. This menopause matter is not funny. If I had had this information back when I started courting my spouse specifically pertaining to her, I would NEVER have committed to anything. Except for Christ’s love, there is none here on earth. Apostle Paul said ” we humans face the test of times because we are like animals. We share same breathe. We both came from dust and we shall return to dust. Nothing has meaning. We all are animals”
    Scripture adds.
    So I do understand what I am going through and why.
    And who are the casualties in all this? children. Persistent denials coupled with ego aggravates everything . Then we play/claim victim. Then we blame. Then we irretrievably hate. Then evil sets in. Before you know it the entire family is wiped out.

  • Greg Dudzinski, MS, LPC

    February 21st, 2014 at 4:00 AM

    Terrific article, and do agree as my special area is helping couples reignite that passion, trust, desire. I do find these are the main “reasons” for divorce. The most difficult is the “roommate” or as you noted, sibling-like Relationship. Both knows the situation, though the comfort factor, causes them to remain in this loop until something shakes it up. ;) Again, terrific article!

  • Mary

    November 4th, 2016 at 5:47 PM

    Ok. What would people do in my situation. Been married 30 years. Wonderful husband. 3 grown daughters. We both work but I always brought home more income. I worker steady nights for 27 years. He worked days. He has always been a terrific father. All 3 girls are Daddy’s girls. I could never disapline them. He would always say. They are just girls. They are fine. Thank god they all turned out well. College educated with jobs. But I always get the brunt of their problems I am the one that is mean and I was always the one to buy them all their desires. Like dressed hair nails etc for dances. BTW. They would go to the same school dances. With only being a year apart. My husband from the time they were little. Now mid 20’s. Would tell them I would rather be at work than at home knowing. Damn well I was paying half of the bills if not more. I know he did this to keep them as Daddy’s girls. I have spoke with him hundreds of times about sticking together when problems would arise with the girls. And at the time he would be like. Yes I will stick with you and let the girls know they are unfair and mean in the way they treat me. But as soon as the girls are home. Two still reside with us. He is back to. Ohh they are just girls. Leave them alone. I feel completely invisible in my own home. This has been going on for years. I do love my husband. But the ties are weakening and I feel like I am at my wits end. I never had empty nest for longer than 3 months and things were much better between my husband and I. But now that they reside with us again. I feel invisible again. I do not know what to do. I still work full time. Go out with my friends. But most of the time do not want to come home. I have no respect. That word has been gone for a long time. And our fights now revolve around not having sex. I can not have sex with s man who lets his children disrespect me and think everything is alright. We have talked about this more than I can count. And he just does not get it. Any suggestions please

  • Dr. Brosh

    February 21st, 2014 at 12:40 PM

    Mental illness in a spouse requires a whole other article which I will write. I have always asked my clients who find themselves married to someone who is mentally ill to focus on how they can avoid choosing another partner with the same issues. At some point it’s not worth wondering about your spouse because you can never really rationalize behavior that stems from this kind of illness.

    Falling out of love in a marriage happens over time and is usually due to neglect on the part of one or both partners. If you don’t nurture your marriage it will wither and die. However, there are some people who always need that “new high” of love, and those are often the people who fall out of love and move on to something new.
    Try not to take this too personally, but be sure to address your own accountability as well.

  • Ju

    May 6th, 2018 at 8:44 PM

    So how do you know that a mental illness is there? I think on diffrent levels most of us suffer with anxiety, depression. Anyone who vetted someone over their mental health status wouldn’t be worth staying with. Most of these illnesses stem from abandonment rejection abuse maybe we should go back to asylums.

  • sue

    February 22nd, 2014 at 4:00 PM

    Very nice article, great to help people move on to enjoy the rest of their lives, your kindness shows through, thank you for writing it.

  • matt

    May 3rd, 2014 at 3:20 PM

    Thank you for this article your right about anything, I’m so depressed right now because my husband of 4 years leaves me for the reason that he doesn’t love me at all. he still love his ex wife and tell to my face that his only pretending to love me all this years. I’m so hurt right now I didn’t know what I do wrong to deserve this..anyways as you’ve said people should move on it us very easy to say but when you are in situation is very hard. very hard.

  • tam

    August 10th, 2016 at 7:30 PM

    I know how you feel Matt, i’m so sorry for you. May God bless us with someone who really loves us and cares about us.

  • shivu

    July 17th, 2014 at 8:14 AM

    i had love in college. we were happyhappy for 2 years. then we went for higher education, there she just started acting weird and started ignoring me also i have seen loosing my priority as the way she was behaving. i dont know specific reason, but i convinced her she was not interested in me anymore but i dont want let her go. everyday i see her in college she will be busy with someother boys so kindly assist me, “how to move on without her”.

  • Marta G

    July 21st, 2014 at 6:56 AM

    I have been with my love for 18 years and married him by church back on 9-10-11, 10 days ago left me for his high school sweetheart. She was a part of his life in the past but my kids and I are his present and future. My honey told me “I am not happy, I am idiot & I am leaving you” I have known that she was his 1st true love… but its hard to believe that he threw away everything we had for her. this feels like a nightmare for me and its hard for me to cope with on a daily basis. Its easy to say “move on” when deep down inside you still have that love that you cant tear from the inside. I am struggling in finding a way to deal with his departure as my love for him yearns and hurts at the same time.

  • Tim

    September 1st, 2014 at 7:27 PM

    So sorry to hear this..:( I have been with wife for 18 years and she wants a divorce. She is 39 and I am 50. I always thought , feared she may leave me when I’m older and it happened! We have two girls 5 and 8. I was a stay Hm dad for 3 years and I think it caused the divorce. We signed the papers last week. She is looking for a new Hm and we are still all in the same house. It is just devastating I’m loosing her and also won’t see my kids as much. She makes way more money then I do and she also said I smothered her. I still love her since I said I do. It’s very sad but I want her happy. If it’s being away from me, then I have no choice but to deal with this sadness.
    One more thing.. I get $700 a month for 3 years and $25g from her 401k. And the house. But I would rather have my wife then 10 million $. I hope to find a better job and will be the best dad I can be to my kids. And will try to stay her friend. It’s just going to crush me down the rd seeing her with another man. It feels a bit embarrassing to except the money that she wants me to have, but at this time with my current situation, I need it.

  • Abandoned wife

    September 14th, 2014 at 12:18 AM

    Dear Tim
    I wrote u because I feel your pain. I am 38 and my husband 52 walk out on me while I am work. I dont make much but still slightly more than my husband and have been helping n financing for all . He left while i was at work after his deeds of emotionally cheating online w countless womam n hitting on women by neighbourhood saying he is single.
    What happened will always be reality for us and you will n shall strong and healthy for your children and yourself. If you are Christian, pray for there be justice n conviction lay upon your wife heart n soul n she will come to realization her mistake as she will not receive happiness by doing wrong to others. Its the circle of life. You stay joyful in the midst of pain because your children will always be yours. Take care.

  • Barbara

    May 25th, 2017 at 10:08 AM

    Jimminy Cricket, If you’re 11 years older, are 50, and taking $700 a month and $25,000, no wonder she’s dumping you. And, no, she doesn’t want to give it to you, she’s buying her way out.

  • Annie

    July 26th, 2014 at 6:14 AM

    I married my husband less then one year ago. 4 months ago he started being very cold with me. He went to his family home and left me alone ignoring all my phone calls and messages.. last Saturday I took the decision I will go there to him. We spoke a lot he told me he had met someone else but it meant nothing to him apparently. So I left him and came back to my house. On Wednesday I wanted to surprise him by going to see him. He had a bmw car which I later found out was his gfs car…I think all his family know her and are aware that he loves her. I have never felt so humiliated in all my life. I have not moved for 2 days I can’t stop thinking is she better then me? Does he love her more then me? I wish I could take the pain away!I can’t bear the thought this might take years to get over.

  • Ani

    August 27th, 2014 at 7:00 AM

    My husbanda and u got married at a very young age, I was 20 and he was 23. We have been married for 4 years and together for 7. A year ago I found out he had cheated on me and me wanting to be a good wife and loving him with all I am I took him back and worked on what he said made him do it. Since that day, naturally, nothing has been the same I still love him very much and care for him but I feel like we aren’t meant to be together anymore. He is a good man and he does try his best but I can just not find to love him like a lover bit rather as a friend. I know I must choose what to do because living with this internal struggle is making me sick. I truly don’t know what to do.

  • pmon5

    September 14th, 2014 at 6:09 PM

    Hello, I have a question about coping with my wife leaving me for someone else. I feel like having the high moral ground vindicates me but the article recommends not using it. I cannot forgive her even if I want to (and I know I should) what can I do in order to surpass this? I am aware that this is poisoning my heart and rationally speaking I know I must forgive. How can I do it? Any pointers or tips will be welcome.

  • Zibbie17

    October 8th, 2014 at 12:25 AM

    If she ever contacts you again say this, “never talk to me again. I don’t owe you anything. No point in keeping contact with me. You are dead to me as I am to you so let’s not resurrect the dead”. Remember you have to guard your heart and say off the spiders web or else you’ll be a victim again

  • Rachel R.

    September 15th, 2014 at 12:00 PM

    Hi l married my husband about 12yrs ago we had split for about 8yrs and just 3months he popped back in the picture. We talked and decided to give it another try things were great at first l felt like a queen. Life was great than soon after he started being very mean to me yelling at me calling me names hanging up on me and than not evan coming home for days at a time. Anytime l confronted him about anything l was TRIPPING. I was like how can you be so mean to me? So it wasnt long after that he became violent. I didnt understand it at all l would always tell him if you want to be with other people please jut let me know l do not wish to be a part of that. He would tell me no babe stop tripping and l really started thinking l was tripping. Since than we had a very bad fight only one day after my 40th birthday and l havent heard from him scence. I am so heart broken why would he do that to me and how will l get over him ALLTOGETHER. So that l will never ever go back to him . Can somebody please help?????

  • VanillaBean

    October 23rd, 2014 at 10:02 PM

    Perhaps your husband has a personality disorder. I found out last year my husband has contemporary narcissistic personality disorder. He seems to be always angry at somebody or some thing. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells when around him. If he doesn’t get a “rise” out of me, he becomes enraged and starts drama then tries to blame it on me. We have three kids together. He hasn’t come home in over two months. Though I miss him and would love for him to be at home with us, he refuses to get psychological help… Therefore, I believe it’s better he’s gone. I encourage you to read up on personality disorders: maybe it’s the same with your husband. Don’t fall in the trap of feeling sorry for him, though. Unlike bipolar or schizophrenia, a personality disorder is NOT a chemical imbalance! It’s a behavioral condition… Something. They CAN modify with proper treatment and overcome IF they are willing to work their treatment regime. Best of luck to you… Oh, and get a support network around you to build yourself up. If you’ve suffered anything like I have, you’ve probably been kicked to the dirt a time or two by your man. Build yourself back up. Trent Shelton on Facebook is a great motivational speaker. Above all…. There is a Creator of the Universe who cares about you and wishes nothing but the best for your life. Trust Him to emotionally get you through (one set of footprints in the sand means He is carrying you thru this!!!).

  • amber2

    February 12th, 2015 at 12:25 PM

    Thank you so much. ..u have given me strength. ..I believe my husband has a similar condition. ..I thought it was the alcohol but he’s not drank now for 3wks and he’s gotten worse! !! He’s decided to go and although there will be a lot for me to work through I truly think it’ll be the best thing. . I’m questioning whether he really knows what love is xo I do. . I’m not perfect and have owned and taken responsibility for all my faults but the blame. . Anger. . Hatred is not something u do to someone u love, even I know this. .. Please send me strength. .. I’ll need it but I’ll make it xo

  • Jenny

    August 8th, 2016 at 2:18 PM

    I disagree with your statement about personality disorders. I have a personality disorder and I know from info I have from my psychiatrist, John Hopkins U and the Mayo Clinic to name a few that personality disorders do have a genetic component. That is the latest science. I was born with mine. I am an alcoholic in recovery with almost 22 yrs of sobriety. I have had 15 yrs of therapy along with institutional treatment, CBT, outpatient care thousands of AA Meetings and lots of retreats. I have worked my butt off to be well. Just a few years ago, however, I was finally diagnosed with this awful personality disorder. Specific treatment for this is very hard to get and expensive. My husband left me citing this as the only reason. I have not name called him once during the whole 6 weeks it took him to leave. I have remained respectful and kind throughout while going in the car to have my meltdowns. I sought crisis respite because I did not want to be around while he packed up happily to leave. He was my best friend for 16 yrs and it is killing me. I liked the above article and I think some of all the factors entered into his leaving. But I will not allow someone to make an inaccurate statement about people with personal disorders. I believe I have behaved exemplary throughout and my heart is broken. I did everything I could to be a healthier partner. Unfortunately he watched a lot of YouTube videos by “life coaches” etc who say terrible things about the mentally ill, mostly “get out while you can” advice. I think it’s horrid because they are not educated and working as a medical professional in the industry they are giving really bad advice

  • Jamiedee

    September 25th, 2014 at 2:25 PM

    I have been married for 27 years and we dated for 4 years. He turned 50 this year and told me he didn’t know if he wanted to live with me the rest of his life. He has been gone for about six months now. We have tried marriage counciling but are in a state of wait and see. The councilor suggested that I pay a visit to my gynecologist to get things checked out. In doing that it was found that I needed a hysterectomy due to fibroid cyst were filling my uterus to the point that everthing else was pushed into my chest cavity! Well I am two weeks over surgery and still at a wait and see state with my husband. I really am discouraged because the two councilors we have seen have only listened to my husband and not really me! We live in a rural area and funds are limited for different counciling but I feel he has walked out on me when things were at the worst and when I needed support the most. Any suggestions?

  • John

    October 11th, 2014 at 7:39 AM

    After 5 years together my wife left me to be with another man.I was recently diagnosed with serious health issues that are beyond my control and hereditary.She waited till I came from work and met me at the door.She had already quit her job and he was coming to get her. I’m still in shock over the entire situation.I have our entire life in my posession and don’t even know where to begin.Stress has made things even worse. How can this possibly be dealt with?

  • Lisa H.

    October 22nd, 2014 at 7:54 PM

    My husband of 5 yrs n partner of 8 yrs cheated. This is his second time. The first time was right after I had our first child. And this time the affair has bn going on for 10 months. I only found out because I found an email n so I emailed her. And she told me everything. He kept telling me he had to wrk 24 he shifts at a warehouse but when I asked where the warehouse was he wud gt defensive n angry so everythin started to make sense. Now he says it’s completely over but I dnt know if I can trust him. He said he dnt wanna b wid her or even me right now. He needs space to find himself. I’m so hurt n lost. I dnt no wat to do.

  • Amy

    October 23rd, 2014 at 11:42 AM

    Abuse should definitely be on the list. Or he /she is crazy!!!

  • Brandy

    October 29th, 2014 at 1:38 AM

    Hi my husband has a habit, of being with me for about 4-5months , then takes off to do any and every thing for about two weeks . then he comes back home and is a great husband for another four months then next thing u know he leaves again . help me please

  • Joe

    October 30th, 2014 at 11:53 PM

    My wife and i have been married for 4 years and together for 5. She recently lost her father and she had hatred for her step mom not letting my wife have a relationship with her father. My wife is using her hatred against me and the past mistakes I’ve made are catching up to her. She says she wants to live by herself with her 3 kids cause they are better off without me. I’m heartbroken and crushed and can’t stop thinking about her. What can ido to ease her pain and stop from having a second divorce?

  • jesi

    November 8th, 2014 at 9:47 PM

    hi m Jesika m only 20 yrs old n my boyfriend which turns about 34 yrs who is already got married n divorced…. we had so many deep relationship but when he came to know my past two mistakes he is trying to leave me and now he has relationship with different girls n even told to leave him but I cant I really dont know what to do I really love him from da deep of my heart n I cant let him go any suggestion plizzz

  • paul g

    November 20th, 2014 at 10:26 PM

    hi im paul married for 5 yrs we have 2 kids. my wife is never contented with the marriage and she keeps packing even with no good reason leaving the kids behind.the other day i had visited her she told me that i shld train to stay without her because she can leave me and get married 2 another man.i have really sacrificed 4 the good survival of this marriage bt i just feel that the push has come 2 shove and its the high time i let it go 4 the sake of my life ,assist please

  • The Team

    November 21st, 2014 at 11:05 AM

    Thank you for your comment, Paul. If you would like to consult with a mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage,, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area. If you’re looking for a counselor that practices a specific type of therapy, or who deals with specific concerns, you can make an advanced search by clicking here:

    Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

    Warm Regards,

    The Team

  • Derek

    November 27th, 2014 at 7:18 PM

    Hey my name is Derek I’m going to be 36 in dec, I have been married for 13 years and with her for 17. Years. We have two children together. We have always had a strong relationship, but I lost my job and she was just about to start college, I got another job with the government and was doing that while she was in school, yes because of this situation we did get behind finiancally . I hurt my back at work and was off then went back she just finished college at this point, she got a job and then I found out I had a prostate problem, so I had a cathador in for a while and again was off work, at this point we were still getting things caught up. Then we just decided to move. So we moved and then I noticed she one week she ceas carry we cell with her at all times, this was not like her she even slept with it . I questioned her about it and she denied it. A few days later she said she wanted a separtion all she said was she needed to find out who she was and what she wanted. She moved out fast and said I needed time to work on myself as we’ll. I asked if you need a brae that’s fine but can we still be a couple she said no, she took her name off the lease fast and I noticed at night I could see she was on messenger most of the night. Now I am during inside without her and it doesn’t seem to be bothering her at all, I don’t know why she really did this but y am I hurting and told her I’m willing to do anything to make it better. It’s been a week and everyday I tell her I love her and she never says it back, the week she wanted the separation I had a sezuire and she was right there beside the hospital bed crying and even when we went home she had trouble sleeping wanting to make sure I’m was ok then a couple days later boom she leaves me. I don’t hit her I don’t drink I don’t do drugs I take date of the kids so I don’t understand how come it hurts me so much and not her and why she left and isn’t willing to work on it at all. I asked if there was someone else she said of course but right now I don’t know what to believe please help thanks Derek

  • Whit

    December 5th, 2014 at 3:17 AM

    Hi Derek,

    My situation isn’t all that different man. I have 2 kids as well even. My wife of 14 total, 11 married just is done. Our process took 3 months but she’s ready to move on and man, we just have to as well. It comes down to saying, this sucks but also saying to ourselves “whatever” and just knowing we tried. Just have to keep moving forward. Good luck…to us both…we will be OK though. – Whit from Maine

  • rachel

    December 3rd, 2014 at 1:04 PM

    Hi I’m 35 my husband is 42. We’ve been together just over 5 years and what I thought was happily married for almost 3. A few days ago out of the blue he said he wants to split up. no good reason and that he’s been thinking about it for a year! He’s not acted any different or said a thing. I’ve just found out he’s been messaging an ex alot but swears only messaging. He has gone to his friends to see if we can make it work. I’m totally breaking my heart, I never thought this would ever happen he’s the best thing that ever happened to me. I cant stop crying but don’t know what to think

  • Louise

    January 20th, 2015 at 6:18 AM

    Rachel, you are the exact same age as me and my husband is the same age as yours. My husband went away on a trip with a friend and came back depressed and unhappy with his life. I thought it was just a phase and didn’t think anything of it until I found a phone number of a girl in his wallet. At 42 they are prime examples of men going through Mid Life crisis. I don’t think he was doing anything but chatting to this girl, but still it someone triggered his desire to be unburdened from the responsibility of having a family (we have 3 children). He since has gone on to not talking to me for weeks at a time, saying he is thinking of leaving, driving around the countryside for 10 days by himself, not ringing me or the children for Christmas (I was staying at my parents on holidays), phoning me on holidays and saying he was selling everything and leaving me, not communicating for a week after dropping his bombshell of leaving, to now once I’m back from holidays looking for a room to rent so he can have space. He is totally messed up in the head and most of the stuff he says contradicts itself one day to the next. Throughout this ordeal I have been understanding, not dramatic at all, calm and have not said much when he tries to engage me in a fight. This has seemed to stifle his attacks on me for being at fault for his unhappy life. So far he has not moved out as he had planned and keeps changing his mind on a daily basis. My only piece of wisdom from this whole scenario is that I have a Christian faith and it has really been keeping me sane by praying. My experience has taught me that you can only rely on one person in this world to love you unconditionally and that is Jesus. I smile all the time, I’m happy and content despite the mess my marriage is in. I know that whatever is meant to happen will and nothing will be too much for me too handle as I’m not in this alone. I hope that your marriage works out and you and your husband will be happy once again together.

  • lorrie h

    January 28th, 2015 at 11:51 AM

    absolutely the truth you can’t endure such a tremendous heart ache without the love of Jesus and fully relying on his help to know Christ is the greatest gift on this earth in spite of all of our heartaches and trials and tribulations my husband left me in October of 2014 without of word took all of our money the car is everything personal belongings everything I came home to nothing and I don’t care about the the world of goods my heart ached so terribly…worse than a death (my son died) pure disaster…unable to withstand the pain in my heart although I was saved I guess I wasn’t fully trusting the Lord at that moment I went outside of my secluded house in the middle of cornfields to hang myself and I took pills a lot (prescription) and I drank a bottle of whiskey in one drink I should have clearly died but did not!!my son and my daughter in law found me twist the rope around my neck and around the tree but it was broke, I lay lifeless… and I know that is divine intervention with my Holy Father anyway my point is is that I would not be able to endure what my husband did to me, without Jesus I mean I begged him on my hands and knees and help me with the pain cuz I couldn’t handle anymore and one day he took it from me I no longer have it like I did I’m confused now but my husband so I don’t know what to do if he were to come back into my life but I would do it because God wanted me to and marriage is sacred to God and I don’t want to go against my father I promise you that’s the only way you’ll endure the suffering , and be assured that with every one of my trials and tribulations I have found the blessing the blessings outweigh any thing that we have suffered and we also have to keep in mind look at Jobe what he went through look what Jesus went through for us…it’s only through this Christ that you will find true peace. anyway thanks for listening

  • The Team

    January 28th, 2015 at 12:04 PM

    Thank you for your comment, Lorrie. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at

    Warm regards,
    The Team

  • Dr. Brosh

    December 3rd, 2014 at 4:45 PM

    Rachel – I’m sure everyone on this site will concur that most partners who leave think about it for years before doing it. This of course leaves the other partner blindsided and shocked. It sounds like he’s pretty unhappy, and possibly with himself. Unfortunately many people become dissatisfied in marriages even when there are no problems. This may have nothing to do with you so giving him some space and trying to be supportive for now might help. If there is another woman he’s talking to you probably want to know that sooner than later so don’t be afraid to confront him on it. Please seek help for yourself to support you through this process.

  • Jacob

    December 27th, 2014 at 12:18 PM

    I have been married for 4 years. My wife and I have a 2 year old son. I found out last week that she was in a relationship with another man for several months. She packed all of her things and moved in with her mother after I found out. She tells me she is not sure who she wants to be with. After learning about their relationship I still want to be with her. Not only for our child but because I love her deeply. I dont feel like I can go on without her. I dont know how to handle this situation. Please help?

  • Robert

    December 29th, 2014 at 4:36 AM

    Sorry for your situation i am also dealing with a similar situation I was just told by a woman I have been with for 9 years who is also the mother of our 5yo daughter that we will not be getting married next month as planned she will be getting married to someone else this was completely out of no where considering the past five mo have been nothing but me working no less than 80 hours a week as many as 120 just killing myself to build our house and support our family not only did she leave me alone on Christmas she took my daughter and went to be with this man that’s older than her granparents she refused to give me a few hours wth my kid Christmas Day eventually I took my daughter that evening thing I can’t figure is she was telling everyone of our apparent wedding date and spending all my money saying how she loves me so much and can’t wait to be married just hours before she decided it was not what she wants now being in a smaller town immediately everyone knows i felt really low like I’m young and have my own business I felt like I was doin ok trying to build a future and she leaves me for an old man I was not only heartbroken but also felt so embarrassed ashamed angry I couldn’t even pick my head up I couldn’t look anyone in the eye it has been pretty much the most humiliating horrible thing I have ever experienced as a recovering addict I hit a low that far exceeded my worst days of being a herion addict at this point I’m still in what ppl wold consider a risky time period for relaps however it’s just not an option i just refuse to go back to that miserable exestiance being fully clean I felt alive for the first time in years I was feeling happier than I’d ever been my life was going great I just couldn’t be thankful enough I was at an all time high in life my daughter was just doing great got my business going beautiful woman life was just perfect and then it happened hit a low I never knew where did this come from this woman I trusted with my life how could she just leave me I never thought I could feel so horrible using has not been an issue I know the outcome and I don’t need it never got a sorry or nothing not a dam thing it just goes on an on the things got worse and worse big mess she just won’t stop trying to ruin my life point is my friend I made really do love this woman more than I can express but I have chosen to sever this wicked witch from my life other than picking up or dropping off my kid as much as it hurts not to fight for her she must not love anyone but herself if she is so willing to risk putting my daughter into a broken home possibility of triggering relapse that will certainly end my life the shame she puts on all of us the lies told for months in church to her parents that happen to be the most amazing ppl I have ever known broke their hearts as well due to their religious stand point and the relationship I have with them this was very disappointing to them disappointed is an understatement I actually was feeling bad about how much it hurt them I couldn’t believe it these ppl loved me and their grandchild so much that it really really destroyed their hopes after all they had done to help us get our lives together including the financial means to build a house that was for the three of us something I could not have ever imagined living in without them I originally was doing the house just to help them do whatever they wanted to do with it but then they were just like by the way when it’s done you guys can have it we only worked nights weekends on it because I never would let them pay me even when I had no idea they would give it to us just because they had already done so much for me in the years I been with their daughter one of the harder things about loosing my girl was that I love her parents like they were my own and I have for many years through all this nothing will ever change between her parents and myself that is a big help I try not to be angry it’s not been but a matter of days I’m up and down I just can’t be with a woman that is so selfish and put my daughter through any more than she has endured she has been through enough and I don’t have time to give my relationship it all needs to focus on my daughter not to mention that her mother has not shown or made any indication that she is sorry or even willing to come back if you feel like you can’t live without her you can I feel the same way but I know I have loved before and I can again in time so can you if you feel you can work it out and move forward with a good result go for it this is not the first time this woman has done this to me you see we have been down this road and all I can say is this was the last time I already know she will make an attempt to come back at some point but I can not let her as much as it hurts and I want to be with her were humans too we deserve better than the pain that type of situation puts us in most times they do it once they will do it again I also have found that in my experience the more beautiful she is on the outside the person in that beautiful shell is ugly rotten there are girls that are beautiful all the way around you just have to be willing to look for them cause they are out there then you gotta be smart enough not to let them get away no matter what no woman is out of any mans league that’s just what ppl say that don’t have the confidence to get what they want don’t feel like you have to accept being cheated on because your not gonna find someone better that’s just not true and inner beauty is the way to go I’ve had relationships with both and the the pretty ones always make life unbearable I have only met a small handful of women that were beautiful and not messed up in the head beyond repair I have met tons of girls I was not attracted to that by the end of a conversation were suddenly starting to be interesting eventually I become very attracted to and they have been the best girlfriends hands down this has been my personal experience I don’t know if it helps but writing about it helps me and hopefully you weren’t like me and your woman was cheating with an old man this girl is super hot 26 and she is sleeping with an old man I mean like sixty that’s just I hope that’s not your situation it’s pretty damaging to my pride manhood whatever but in reality it’s not me what sane person does that I thought what if I did that to her with some old woman no thanks I’m not into it even if I was I’d be ashamed enough not too be open about it so if anything you can get a laugh out of it I used to always joke with this girl about her doin this when we watched the movie big daddy once and after that it was just a little joke we had apparently I was joking ok well I hope you come to solution that leaves you happy I am not happy about the choice I made but I just have to do it it’s hard to imagine the woman you love being with someone that’s not you no matter how old or young either way it still hurts and makes you feel like life is over but u gotta take care of the little ones gotta be their dad nobody can be his or her dad better than u and don’t go back into something you know is over but you don’t want to accept it that’s what I did even when she told me she loved me I knew she didn’t but she would lie to me and i would pretend like she was telling the truth because I didn’t want to accept it was really over for good at some point I knew I would have to so now is as good as any good luck to you I hope you get the best possible outcome just remember your not any less important than her if you let yourself slip into that idea they will walk all over you but I don’t know I don’t want to give bad advice that’s just my experience everything I said is the way it happened for me but can’t say for anyone else women are all a little bit crazy in some way guess we all are

  • Nikki

    February 7th, 2015 at 12:12 PM

    Did you stay sober? It hurts I know..

  • Eric

    December 31st, 2014 at 2:20 PM

    Stay strong brotha.
    My wife left me in October after 6 years I’m dealing with my in-laws involved the failure of our marriage has been all shifted on me my wife has changed her cell all kinds of madness

    I try to get it out as much as I can it’s tuff I have the bills kids everything to deal with

  • luna

    January 18th, 2015 at 11:05 AM

    How lucky ur wife is to be much loved by you…i wish i am that person..:(

    My husband had never showed me love from the very begginning…

  • Wayne

    January 30th, 2019 at 4:52 AM

    Please be strong think and focus on your self and that will then help you look after your self and be there for your child. You are not going to die .Your wife who is supposed to love you has been seeing another man no matter what the excuse this is not acceptable.
    Love has to be tough this is one reason no matter what you must not take her back . This is not a mistake a mistake is backing your car into a bollard or something similar. This was a choice she made and didn’t care about you or your feelings or your child for that matter.
    You deserve better .
    Sorry this might not be what you want to hear but you have to think of your self do not sacrifice yourself fill yourself up love yourself hold your
    Head up love yourself because if you don’t how do you expect others to love you and don’t beg or say you will do anything or offer to change it will not work .

  • Dr. Brosh

    December 27th, 2014 at 4:53 PM

    Jacob – While it’s normal and noble to immediately feel like you would be willing and able to get over this infidelity it’s important that you know one thing. How you feel right now will not be the same as how you feel a month from now. Anyone in your situation would be willing to do “anything” to save their relationship, but broken trust and betrayal like this is very hard to get over. Give yourself the time and space to really reflect on what she has done, try some couple’s counseling, and then decide how you want to move forward. I have seen these kinds of marriages turn around, but I have also seen many where the damage of trust is too great to overcome. Honor yourself and keep your integrity through this process. Hope this helps.

  • Brandi

    January 8th, 2015 at 11:38 PM

    I want to leave my husband, and I don’t know how to make him understand. I don’t hate him, in fact I care for him, but we have absolutely no similar interests. There is a large age gap, which wasn’t a problem at first, but now he works all the time and only cares about money. I care about love and passion and family, but if I tell him he laughs and says we don’t need that. He consistently talks down to me, even though I am highly intelligent, like I’m a child who needs scolding. I just want to leave and not hurt him to bad. I should wasn’t revenge for my pain, but I don’t.

  • map

    January 9th, 2015 at 5:05 PM

    thanks for this… i’m in this kind of situation right now..

  • aracelly

    January 11th, 2015 at 11:55 AM

    On new years eve my fiance left thee house. The next day he told me that he did not want it to continue in a relationship with me. We have a beautiful son together. He is 17 months. I asked him why is he doing this and all he can say was that he hasn’t been happy. That we argue all the time and that things werent gona change. I work full time and take care of everything in the house. Meanwhile he wanted to go out with his friends after work and have few drinks. We argued becuase he drink to much and he doesn’t see it. I have being with him 5 years and we broke up once cause he didn’t want kids. Then four months later he came back and I got preganant. Now 17 months later he leave us. I don’t know what to think anymore. He won’t talk to me about his feelings all he said was that he love me but he is not in love with me anymore. I used to make more money than him and since I got laid off he changed towards me. I found a job making less money but I manage. I feel like he used me when I was making a lot and now that he has to provide he packs and leave. I love him but I’m so angry at him for leaving us. I don’t know who to treat him. I’m being civil about it becuase of my son but it hurts everytime I see him.

  • lorry

    January 15th, 2015 at 9:16 AM

    I been with my son’s father for 8 years and throughout the whole 8 years he never treated me like a real person he always treated me like I was one of his friends and I never had the respect given from him to me but anyhow I stayed in this relationship it was rocky on and off I even left eight months in 2013 and he came back in 2014 of December and things have not been right every since I asked him cuz he have a history of cheating on me while we were in our relationship and always ask about other people were there at and why do you choose to keep coming back well I got a bit of a surprise in January of 2015 I was with him and that was the last time I’ve been with him I found out that he have had a friend on the side and I’m actually okay with that because the relationship has been rocky since the beginning so I just want to know why he didn’t tell me straight forward that he was leaving me for another woman.

  • Stephanie

    January 17th, 2015 at 7:26 PM

    I’m having problems inmy marriage righy now. Just found out my husband of almost 9 years is cheating on me online with a gay person. I feel so betrayed, devastated and its really painful to me. I told him that I’m willing to take him back despite of what he’s done but it looks like he can’t stop talking to this person. Since I found out he always shuts me down/pushes me away. Theyve only been talking for weeks and he thinks he has fallen in love with this person. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t sleep at night. I cry all the time. I lost 11 lbs in less than 2 weeks.

  • kayla

    January 28th, 2015 at 6:07 PM


    If your husband is gay, there will be no getting that love back. There are reasons homosexuals hide things like that from loved ones. What he really needs now is your understanding and support. You may still love him but being gay is not a choice. I will pray you find the strength to accept this and that you two can still have a good relationship even though it will not be romantic any longer.

  • preeth

    January 18th, 2015 at 11:02 PM

    im a btech graduate n 23yr old clasmate wife aswathi she is 22,and I love my wife,and i love her for what she has given for me she made me feel the thing that everyone calls the”love at 1st sight” and she give me lot of love love during.our studies n now suddenly she has taken away all that love n care and i love the pain she giving to me right now by staying away for the last 5 months,i her even if she hate me because now i know what i have lost.

  • Lou

    January 20th, 2015 at 10:59 AM

    My husband, who I have been with for 15 years and have two young children with left me in November 2014. He told me in one go that he felt our marriage was over and also that he had been having a ‘thing’ with another woman for two weeks. Two blows in one go. He was determined. I promised to do anything. I still would. She had no ex or children and is at the age where perhaps she thought she was going to be left on the shelf. My youngest is only five. My eldest 10. I am devastated.
    Our marriage had had its problems but we were so strong we had overcome everything. Neither of us if ever been unfaithful so far as I know. The pain is unbelievable and I am only struggling from day to day. I feel that in order to keep him in our lives I must accept her too. He is talking of selling the family home. Please. Can anyone offer any words of hope?

  • Heidi

    January 25th, 2015 at 3:14 PM

    I am truly sorry to hear that this happened to you. Please be strong. Be strong for yourself and for your kids. Remember that God doesn’t give us more than we can handle-and he must think that you can handle a lot. Even though I don’t know you, I want you to know that I am praying for you.

  • Nikki

    February 7th, 2015 at 12:05 PM

    Words of advice… Get an emotional tool belt, of things that will help you get better.. Things like eating right, exercising, therapy, meditation, massage, friends, family… Anything to get better… It’s horrible.. I know the feeling… I feel so alone. Our self esteem is 0!!
    I’m wondering how you are feeling?

  • Anita

    February 12th, 2015 at 6:29 AM

    The same thing happened to me – after an argument a few days prior, my husband said it was over. We had some issues but always thought we would work them out. He refused to go to counseling. This was mid January. I found out last Friday (after him denying it over and over) that he is having an affair. He says they have not had sex but it is an emotional affair – just as bad or worse! They are in love apparently and plan on living together and getting married down the road. She is married too and both of us have two small children. My youngest is 3 and my older son is 6. I am devastated. My son is in the same school as this woman’s daughter and my husband has already been talking to this woman about the kids being step-siblings. This is making me absolutely sick. I don’t want her raising my kids or even being around them. I am absolutely disgusted by their behavior. I can’t eat, sleep or focus at work. He has no emotion or seems to even care. I don’t know how to be strong.

  • Tad

    January 23rd, 2015 at 9:24 PM

    My wife told me we had to go to artiste counseling. We’d been having problems. When when I questioned her parenting style (her first son–my stepson grew up to be a narcacistic bully), she came back the next week, having already been to a divorce attorney and had already filed. I thought the point of counseling was to speak your mind. What’s the message? Keep your mouth closed at all times.

  • Tad

    January 23rd, 2015 at 9:29 PM

    After 15 years she announced that we never should have gotten married. But we have a 13 year old son together, and he’s a wonderful boy. I’ve always tried to change to be more what she wanted, but nope. This is what she wants. I don’t even care how she treats me anymore, but it’s tearing our son up and that is really hard to see, knowing there’s little I can do for him.

  • Tad

    January 25th, 2015 at 1:26 PM

    My wife began threatening me with divorce over little things years ago. It happened so often I barely paid attention. Only now it’s for real. The papers are signed. She has quite a few friends and is self reliant. She was the main person I talked to and let her manage things. She’ll be fine, but I will be a mess. I am dealing with the reality that I’ll see my son a lot less. That really hurts.

  • victor

    December 27th, 2016 at 10:14 PM

    Same situation, married 18 years, 2 girls….not sure if she had somebody else, but I have a feeling,,,won’t talk to me at all…

  • scmac

    January 28th, 2015 at 9:42 AM

    My husband of five years, 11years together came home from work, it had been a week since he works away from home and left me, one week before Christmas. He said he no longer loved me and couldn’t to it anymore. In shock I could barely breath I was on the floor shaking and he did nothing. I insisted on leaving the house as my parents live close and he still couldn’t stay here and he left and stayed 45mins away in a hotel. Its been five weeks and he put our house up for sale. He wants to separate all our assets already and wants all the momentos in our house. We did everything together, camping, hunting, fishing, holidays, and Netflix marathons of snuggling on the couch. He called me on his way home that night and told me he loved me that day, then gone. How could he just walk out?

  • Nikki

    February 7th, 2015 at 12:00 PM

    My husband left me and I am wondering how you are feeling? Where are you at spiritually and mentally? I’m paralyzed and just don’t know where to begin?

  • N Roch

    January 31st, 2015 at 8:18 AM

    My husband of 25 years is leaving me. We are both 60, we have a son of 23 and a daughter of 20 about to go to uni.
    He wants us to sell our home and buy two places. This will be hated financially. I work part time supporting in a school. He wants to be there for me, still my bes friend and has so much respect for me. He is smitten and very sexually involved with this 40 something woman. He works with her and finds her intellectually stimulating. She is 49 and lives abroad and never married. He says he will still help me, do anything for me but we are friends not lovers which is true. Recently we tried to get this back but he does not find me attractive although I am slim, fit and look young for my age. I am devastated, can’t eat, have a pain inside me, don’t want anyone to know and have always thought we would be together forever. When I first found out he said he would never leave me but now she has said she can’t live undercover. He says she can’t stop him seeing me but I think she will. I don’t know how tomtell friends/ the kids, the family. I am in shock.

  • Nikki

    February 7th, 2015 at 11:58 AM

    How are you feeling today? I see it’s been a week since you wrote this post.. Is he moving out?

  • in love

    February 7th, 2015 at 9:20 PM

    Feeling a little bette . I cried all day that’s just a way to release what I feel.

  • N Roch

    March 9th, 2015 at 4:22 PM

    Travelling back and forth abroad to see her. Every few weeks. Acting normal at home. Kids don’t know, says he is making sure. I don’t want him to go. Most days everything fine till either side of the visit. Then I can’t get in touch,feels weird and horrible. Still working. Don’t want to share this with anyone hoping he will see sense. Health not good.

  • Nige

    January 31st, 2015 at 3:33 PM


    I met my wife when I was 18 and she was 16. She was a self harmer and naturally negative person yet strong willed, firey, smart, impulsive and absolutely gorgeous. Everything I am not!! Her dad used to financially bail her out and her mum often was overbearing and smothered her.

    I kept with it as I felt so lucky to know someone so unique and incredibly desirable. She seemed to be in conflict with herself yet on my level entirely. I honestly thought she would grow up over the years or I could save her.

    About 8 years in we had a son forcing us to live with her parents on a temp basis (a year!!) to save to buy a house.

    We got a house then tried for another baby. Sadly we lost him which was devastating then two weeks later got married (already planned) then quickly found out we had a daughter on the way.

    A year and half later my wife decided to cheat on me with my next door neighbour (touching not sex and the lead in emotional affair) I never really got a good reason to why it happened and she didn’t really seem sorry for her actions – I struggled with this blow and the trust I had for her was shattered. I guess I didn’t mind it happening it was just the way it did and the lying about it. I was in shock for months. Her behaviour to me changed and she became distant, rude and put me on the back burner. She kept calling me perfect for never putting a foot wrong and seemed to twist that to be a negative. Her parents became yet more overpowering towards her and to my kids adding yet more stress.

    Anyway things bumbled along for about 2 years then her new best friend decided to came on to me which I thought was a joke at first as that sort of thing never happens to me (my wife is the pretty one). One thing lead to another then we had sex. Something that was completely against my morals as human being. It was the worst 30mins of my life and it felt pressed and forced. I think we both used sex to cope with stress. I had also convinced myself that her and the neighbour had had sex rather than just touching.

    I told my wife straight away (within 2 hours) out of guilt and respect. It was truly a mistake.

    We did relate and I changed as much as I could to make it work I thought she had too. Over the next 7 months she got a job (with her dad of course) and she kept going on about this guy friend at work. I suspected for ages they were up to something but could never be 100% sure so dismissed it. Last September she said we were over due to the fact of me cheating with her friend. Oddly she got over it then 2 months later had a breakdown. It was so scary. I felt guilty and blamed myself. So made loads of effort to make her life more enjoyable.

    New Years 2015 she told me it was well and truly over after As she was not happy.

    she took the kids and moved in with her parents and ignored me for a week.

    She later asked me to move out the house to give her space as she could move in and she kept saying I was impossible to live with (yet managed for 5 years previously)

    I said no to moving out because a) I sole own the house and sole was paying the mortgage and B) I thought her behaviour was erratic and odd for the months leading up to her moving out plus I was getting fed up of rolling over to her whims.

    She then admitted to a 7 month emotional affair with this guy at work. Followed by admitting adultery in a surprising amount of detail (think she was proud). It made me feel sick.

    I am now literally in a living hell. The kids are with her in the parents house. I take the kids every weekend. She has quit her job and spends the daytime in our house waiting for the kids to finish school and leaves before I get back (leaving the house a tip).

    It’s just an observation but she seems to have also removed all responsibility from her life it’s scary. I pay for everything. Her mum deals mostly with the kids from her side whilst she meets with her new guy spending weekends in hotels having great sex (apparently) whilst I am truly the single parent thinking about her having the great sex

    She has of course admitted adultery yet refuses to accept this in the papers and has filled against me.

    I have become this weird doormat type character to her waiting on her every move. It’s just so odd. I guess I still love her as pathetic as that sounds.

    Not looking for any comments just felt a need to write that lot down. Sounds really immature when I look back over it now. I know it will all get better over time I just worry about how much damage this is doing to the kids.

    She recently said she used no protection with this guy which is so unlike her and can’t believe she would risk pregnancy and her health she just does not care. It’s so weird!

  • Wayne

    February 3rd, 2015 at 8:12 PM

    Recently, my wife left me. This is my 2nd failed marriage. This one has been definitely the hardest for me to deal with. I was so in love and i realize it now that shes gone. Whats the toughest part is she just stopped communication totally. The simple text messages that said “I love you” or “I miss you” meant so much. I realize this only after they no longer appear. I am in counseling 1x a week and just started a low dose of a antidepressant pill. Im in so much pain physically. I actually threw up all morning and had to stay home from work. Thank you for posting this article.

  • Jay

    February 10th, 2015 at 10:46 AM

    I feel it to.. This is my second marriage and the pain is horrific.. I wish it on no one.. Praying for you Wayne as I hope you pray for me.. Miracles still happened..

  • Rie70

    July 8th, 2015 at 6:43 AM

    I to feel this pain 2x divorcee. I hate myself and have become a hermit. My ex mistress got me arrested and the charges were dismissed by he stood by her as if I was wrong the judge agreed with me though I was telling the truth.

  • Tim

    February 6th, 2015 at 2:36 PM

    Please pray for me. I love her so much. Only God can fix this mess.

  • melissa

    February 16th, 2015 at 12:04 AM

    What happened? Why are you so hurt and feel this way? Please open up and share so others can help you.

  • in love

    February 17th, 2015 at 4:41 PM

    I can’t get over him.I love him so deeply its killing me inside. How he just had a change of heart with no care in the world. All that matters to him was his daughters I don’t blame him after not being. With them for years but I lost everything I had and he didn’t even wait at least to help me.

  • in love

    February 7th, 2015 at 10:20 AM

    Hi I am going through this as we speak. 5 years ago I bumped in to a high school friend. We started to date and things moved along. He is divorced and has 2 young girls. His ex wife cheated and moved in with the girl she met.he was very hurt and hated her he said.when she found out we had moved in she decided to move to Vegas.even more he was hurt cuz she took her kids from him.its 4 years later now and she decided to move back. I guess they been talking about kids were emotions came back and he told me that not to hate him but he had to go cuz he want to be with his kids and I found text from her saying hi babe I miss you. He hutted me so bad and couldn’t understand how he could be doing this to. Me if I did nothing then to love him.I asked him to tell me the truth and he said he was confused that loved me but he also had feelings again for her. You could emagine how I felt like someone ripped my heart out.I started telling him how can you go back after every thing that I have been nothing but loyal to him. Then he told me he wasn’t leaving anymore he chose me because I love him so much I’m so confused I don’t know what to do CU’s know I can’t trust him or if he decides to do it again. Someone please help I feel like dying inside but I don’t want to loose him I am in pain can’t stop crying .

  • JRG

    February 9th, 2015 at 9:26 PM

    I have recently been told by my wife that she is divorcing me. I am totally devastated. We have been married 2 and a half years, and together for 4. We have a little girl of 3, and my two sons of 10 from my previous relationship. Until recently she was a loving stepmother to them.

    When we met it was love from the off. Big time.
    Our problems began about 5 months ago. I noticed subtle differences in her towards me, emotionally. Slightly distant. Then a notable lack of interest. Then quite quickly our arguments started becoming more fatal & terminal. I realised then this was serious and we were in trouble. I begged her to stay and to come to couples counselling which she refused, telling me to ‘go to counsell on my own’
    I cannot comprehend my life without her. I have to try and stay strong for myself and my children but its so hard. I just want her to call me & tell me its going to be ok but she is pressing ahead with this divorce in what seems nothing other than an irrational speed. Ive suspected there is another involved but have no concrete evidence other than intuition & one or two very suspicious epidodes, combined with secrecy from her, as opposed to privacy. She has also began lying, eg i found out she was seeing a counsellor, she said they were actually friends, but I have seen she has been paying her fees on her bank statements. Why she chose to lie about this i do not know, but she has been clearly hiding things from me for several months.
    Part of me suspects my wife is one of the mentioned types who craves new love all the time. Part of me thinks shes simply selfish and refuses to work out our problems.
    Either way Im totally broken, unable to cope and cannot see a way ahead. Cant stop crying and hate being alone for even 1 hour.

  • teja

    February 22nd, 2015 at 9:29 PM

    Hi mate, how did it go for u so far?

  • D-man

    February 15th, 2015 at 8:00 PM

    I am lost. My ex left me the day after Christmas. She totally cut me off and is seeing other people. While we did argue I didn’t see this coming. This is the second time I have been dumped under the same situations. Could it be me?

  • Jen

    February 19th, 2015 at 11:51 AM

    Last night after 2 weeks of the cold shoulder and acting distant my bf of 4 years said he’s leaving me. I don’t understand whats happened in these last 2 weeks. I suspect someone else has caught his attention. He quit texting me while at work (we have lived together all this time. He stopped saying i love you or acted although it was painful to say. Slept in the living room the last 3 nights because he “fell asleep” out there. Wont hug me or show any affection whatsoever. The pain cant be explained in words. Feels like I’m physically dying. I cried out to him and said, “Why are you leaving!? What have I done!?” He had no good reason and said we don’t like the same things which made no sense to me at all. Said that after work we will eat and discuss plans for his exit. I’m devastated. How will I survive this?! Thank God we don’t have any children involved! I cant imagine being in this apartment we have been in for so long together and staring at all the memories and these walls and being able to move on and be happy. We have a routine together. What a way to throw a wrench in! I’m going to go cry some more before he comes home to dump me over dinner. This is going to be GREAT. god help me to get through this. Dont let me suffer too long. Please.

  • lorry

    February 19th, 2015 at 7:50 PM

    What a cold hearted person after four year’s the best advise I can give you is feel the pain go threw it and never take him back but please for the sake of your sanity forgive him for leaving you later you see where the mistakes were made and you will thank him for doing you a huge favor.

  • Jodie

    March 22nd, 2015 at 12:56 AM

    I have had the same thing happen to me it’s heartbreaking I know exactly what you are going through stay strong!

  • Sal E.

    February 22nd, 2015 at 9:06 PM

    Well me and my wife had problems and being in a job that moves me for months at a time doesn’t help. I received deployment orders to head to Africa for a rapid response unit to help combat the Ebola virus and contain it by building ETU facilities. And the week I left also happened to be the week we renewed our lease . So as I departed from the US and was not on ground for over 72 hours before we talked and she said she was not renewing the lease and in fact she was getting her own place and putting all my stuff in storage and she wanted to talk to who she wants..go out with who she wants to. I have never felt so betrayed in my life and never would of thought I would become a statistic. I felt like my world was ending and their was nothing I can do to cope with the harsh reality of what just occurred. From a third person view the situation looks as if a woman knew she was going to make that decision and did not have the courage to tell her husband in person . So she waits and just ripps all he has from him while deployed knowing I had no chance. I believe every situation has a grieving process and mine was about a month ..I smoked heavily and released my anger in the gym till my pain went away. I am now about to head home and face this reality even though I didn’t want to . That’s were the acceptance came into play . If a woman is not sorry or sad that a the father of her child and husband of 4 years . Then the answer is simple she wasn’t the one for me and it got me thinking how bad of a person she was to me . Put me down controlled me ..I Was a walking living breathing definition of a battered husband. But I’m ready to face her and smile and not give her the satisfaction she thinks she going to get when I see her this Thursday. All I’m saying is people leave for reasons a higher power would probably only know and it’s our duty as humane emotionally broken individuals to get over that obstacle and be happy it happened sooner than later.

  • Dan

    February 28th, 2015 at 7:25 PM

    After a marriage of almost 25 years, I left my wife. We lost our connection several years before I left. I felt we became room mates and no longer husband and wife. Our two children were grown up and no longer living at home having started their own lives which made me feel even less needed or important in my wife life. I was lonely for a friend, a companion, a co-pilot and a lover to share the rest of my life with. I knew my wife was no longer this person that I longed for. We drifted apart, the excitement, the compassion and love faded away to nothing. We slept in separate bedrooms and became room mates and certainly not what I had invisioned a marriage to be at the age of 51.
    I searched out an old girl friend from years back, we met several times for walks and just talked. Catching up was fun, she was comfortable to talk to, to share life experiences with and before long we both felt the electricity we had known years ago was still there and strong as ever. She’s married with two children as well, and was in a comfortable marriage. She told me she had more energy than everyone in her family and felt like she was waisting away. The intimate time with her husband was seldom and she wanted more out of life.
    Before too long the walks and talks became much more intimate and 8 months after we connected, she left her family.
    She moved in with me for several months, but had second thoughts and ended moving to one of her relatives for a few months to sort things out. She did move back in with me, but only for a short time, 4 months, and then she moved out again to the same relative. That lasted for 6 months and she then moved to her own apartment, the entire time stating that she didn’t know what she wanted. We stayed in contact each time she moved, she slept over here or I slept over there. It felt like we never stopped loving each other, she just needed some space and I never wanted to let her go.
    I let her go once before many years ago and it was truly the biggest mistake of our lives. We separated, married other people, which we both confessed to each were the wrong people.
    We both feel so strongly that we are right for each other, we trully do love each other. There had been so many years apart and having four children between the two of us makes moving forward difficult to say the least.
    We both love our children and our siblings and don’t want to hurt them more than we already have.
    I have divorced my wife, with no ill will. She and I know the marriage was no longer a marriage and to carry on would be a sham.
    My friend has not moved forward with a separation agreement, or any movement with her husband in that way.
    In fact her relationship with her husband is going the other way. They have always talked and been friends through this whole separation. She never wanted to make it more difficult then it already was for her children. She misses her girls and she feels her siblings and their partners treat her and look at her differently. She feels like a bad person who cannot be forgiven for leaving her family. She misses hosting family gatherings, although she still attends them at her husbands house. She has recently gone for hikes with her husband, meets him at the gym for game of squash, goes to theatre shows with him and their girls. And just this week has gone away with just him on a business trip over seas.
    She’s trying to re-connect with him, I see that, I’m not blind.
    She tells me that that even though her and I have a fabulous connection and relationship, she still is lonely for her family. She tells me her love life with her husband could never reach the level that her and I have. She tells me she could make it work with him, just to be back in her girls lives and back in her siblings lives in some way.
    I understand this. As hard as it is, I do.
    But I love her. With my entire heart and soul, I love her. I would do anything for her and she knows this.
    Shortly after her I reconnected, she was diagnosed with cancer within the walls of her throat. She went through chemo treatments and subsequently radiation treatments. I was with her for 95% of every treatment. My job prevented me from being at 4 treatments.
    We did renovations at her cottage from laying new floors to painting and installing a new wood stove. I built her flower boxes and a deck box, even a storage rack for her kayaks and canoe.
    I did everything I could with her and for her and for us with the hope, the dream that we would be together the rest of our lives.
    Now, I see that dream, it just that, a dream.
    I can’t believe that she will come back from this business trip with her husband and we would be able to continue on as we have and still have the relationship that we both have known to be so strong. Her loneliness for her family is strong. She said she could do what ever she had to with her husband to keep the family together. I guess she is doing just that.
    This is tearing me apart. My heart is breaking again as it did so many years ago when we separated. I know times have changed and lives have gotten in the way. But I still love her, more than those words could ever describe.
    I miss her deeply. I feel so alone, so forgotten, and it some respects even used a little. I know that was never her intention to use me, that’s just not her. But I give. I give everything to her. They say that telling someone you love them is one thing, but showing them is something else. Words are just words, actions speak so much louder. I have done so much for her. In hind site, probably too much. But that’s just my nature. When she fills my waking hours and drifts effortlessly through my thoughts a hundred times a day, she is my love, my heart. And this time apart, knowing she is with her husband, re-connecting with him after all that we have done in such a short time is killing me.
    Before she left, we both confessed to each other that we felt more connected, more married if you will to each other then either of us ever did to our spouses. How can we say such things to each other, and then she goes away with him?
    I am so hurt. I’m so confused, I don’t know where to turn. I am truly lost without her. If this is the end of our relationship and it certainly feels that way. I’m done. I’m shutting down. I’ll never ever love again. My heart is broken beyond repair. And worst of all, my spirit is broken. I feel dead inside. If it wasn’t for my children, I would leave this earth. I don’t want to go on with life feeling like I do.
    Any words of inspiration would be appreciated, although the way I’m feeling right now, I don’t know if they would be of any comfort.

  • Linda

    March 5th, 2015 at 5:44 PM

    you must love yourself first.

  • kitkat

    March 9th, 2015 at 3:27 PM


    Your story is so touching. I hate to be blunt, but to me it sounds like she likes the best of both worlds. I don’t doubt she cares for you, but you cannot have your cake and eat it too. I am not trying to put your love down. I think you need to look inside yourself and ask yourself what you,Dan needs and deserves. Be selfish. Right now you need to make the correct decisions for you and only you. It sounds like the only way this will work is if you tell her what you want and deserve and if she cannot do that then get busy. Go to the gym to tske out your anger, watch movies to get out of your painful world for awhile. My break ups I had a choice die, lay in my bed forever and lose my job, or take the bull by the horns and say I am a good person and I deserve better!! The gym for me kept me from drinking. You will overcome this!

  • Ray

    March 2nd, 2015 at 2:27 AM

    My wife of 20 years asked me to move out 33 days ago we have 3 kids together two boys 6 and 19 and a 13 year old girl. She is bipolar and has legal issues along with immigration issues. I have stood with her thru the good and bad times and now that I am out of the house she treats me like I’m a stranger. She asked me to move out by text saying she wanted bigger and better. She tells me that she hasn’t cheated on me even tho I have my doubts. I am in therapy because of my anger towards her because of all the things she did to hurt our family. I always stood by her even with her legal issues and her mental problems. I was not an angel but I don’t think I deserve the treatment I’m receiving. I swear up and down that I won’t go back with her but I know that her not taking her meds had a lot to do with us separating. Two weeks after I left she’s out dancing and posting pictures on Facebook and instagram while I worry about my kids well being she’s out having fun. I try to tell her she’s embarrassing herself my kids and me with her behavior but she doesn’t care. Any time i try to talk to her to tell her the pain I am going thru being apart from my kids and missing her but she gets upset then she blocks my phone and texts. I can easily get full custody of my kids since she has legal and immigration issues but I don’t want to separate my kids from her. I don’t know how this pain is ever going to go away. I know we fought and that wasn’t good for the kids but how can you just cut some one out of your life like she’s done to me. I am glad she is back on her meds finally I guess I am just hurting knowing she feels fine while I’m a mess. When my kids are with me im fine but when they leave to go home it takes me at least an hour to get my head straight. Hopefully my therapy along with meds will help me survive this horrible time of my life.

  • hdavid5

    March 4th, 2015 at 3:07 PM

    While these may be the reasons someone gives for leaving a relationship, these do not address the real reasons why someone normally leaves a relationship. It often boils down to one partner no longer filling a perceived need of the other partner. Too often it is because we come into relationships with unrealistic expectations or for unhealthy reasons. I’m surprised “falling out of love” is listed as one of the reasons. I do not believe that you can just “fall out of love” one day as if it is completely unrelated to how each of the partners interacts with one another. Most likely you fell out of love because you decided to stop loving your partner or you decided that you loved someone or something else even more.

  • Tessa

    March 4th, 2015 at 4:57 PM

    My husband filed a bogus Restraining Order and threw me out if my home. He moved his girlfriend in right after he did this. He called my 93 year old mother and told her he threw me out!! She is such a loving person always called him to say hi. I lost everything, my marriage, my home, my family, my friends, my belongings my routine….I had just finished my career in the Army 27 years. No body cared because he said things that were not true, every time I tried to go to a hearing they would cancel it, finally after 4 months they dropped. By then I was so in shock I was actually dying from not eating. That was not even all my husband and his girlfriend did. They went thru my things and took things my mother gave me, when I finally was able to get what was left of my things they out garbage, household garbage, condoms, sex ” stuff in my things. They sent phony legal documents to my mom, son and even my lawyer…?? WHY?????? Wasn’t throwing out enough, I lost everything!!! How do You recover or get over something like this??? Everyday I just want to die, because I have seen and felt the worst evil I have ever known.. I work everyday to get stronger and grateful for what I do have, but the hurt is unbearable….Why didn’t he just tell me he found someone else and wanted a divorce?? I would have been hurt and mad, but I would not have wanted to be with someone who did not want me. Why do this horrific act?? WHY??? My counselor(s), have said he is a sick person. Pschycopath, sociopath or narcissist, because he has no empathy, guilt, nothing, no feeling..this is hard for me to grasp, because I feel it’s my fault and I have fix it or me… There You go!! So how does one go on with life and ever feel love again???

  • kitkat

    March 9th, 2015 at 3:11 PM

    Oh my God. First of all,thank you for sharing your story. It is atrocious and inhumane how you have been treated. Why does your family believe him over you? Has anyone given you a chance to tell your side of the story?

  • Tessa

    March 9th, 2015 at 6:17 PM

    Thanks for your response. My experience was so unbelievable that I was in shock, I was diagnosed with PTSD later on. I lived in a very small town and very remote area in California. My ex knew the lawyers and judges, actually they knew me too, which makes it even more egregious. Anyway, it was discovered that he had been planning this for two years. So when I went to visit my son and his family he served me with the TRO. I went into shock.. I felt like a criminal. I did however have enough control of my wits to get a lawyer and try to speak for my innocence in court. What happened was, my ex husband’s lawyer kept canceling the hearings, four months later they just dropped the case, by then I was so distraught. During this time my Family saw the truth, because my ex husband and his girlfriend did so many cruel things. I had to get a lawyer in another town, because of the good old boy club there. My lawyer was shocked too and worked hard at just getting the things my mom gave me. My actually became a Judge in another County. Can you imagine getting kicked out of your home and your husband moves someone else in and they go through your things, even my Breast Cancer medical records trying to say I could work because I survived, I’m 60 and have worked since 1969!! It’s just unreal. He is so evil, my family went with me to get my things and said he looked sick and crazy, not the person they thought they knew. He is a “sociopath” who researched, calculated and executed a horrific crime on another human being with no remorse, empathy, compassion and humanity!! And he got away with it, because if the corrupt Judicial system. My case is not the only abuse of this restraining order trick. This order is supposed to save lives not ruin them. I feel abandoned by this country! I served honorably for 27 years in the Army, receiving the highest peacetime award for my service. I’m a good person, loving, caring, giving and trustworthy. I don’t think I will ever be able to trust again, I wonder everyday why I even want to remain on this earth if there is so much evil here. This was a deliberate act carried out by those who are unethical and immoral…. I have been in counseling, a divorce support group and working everyday to believe that I am of value. Sociopaths goal is take a human being and destroy them down to the bottom of their soul. This is how they survive. What is weird is that his girlfriend walked right beside him and participated in destroying another human through this whole process. I don’t think I will ever be able to understand it and it scares the HELL out of me when once in a while I think I get inside of his mind what he thought process was to abuse me. Seriously, scared me. Like being inside of Hitler’s mind. I’m not comparing my experience, but evil is evil no matter what level it is on……Again Thanks for your response. No one else will ever understand my journey or experience, because it does not sound right or possible, but it happened. Being in the military I have seen unbelievable atrocities, that others will not believe happened because they don’t think it possible. Believe me “evil” exists in the world I will pray that you will never experience this great of an evil, but you will experience some evil. I hope that when and if you do, that you will use this experience to help others who going through some unbelievable HELL!!!

  • Heather

    March 18th, 2015 at 12:58 AM

    I am so sorry this happened to you. There is real evil in the world you are absolutely correct. My heart goes out to you and I wrote this in hopes to give you faith that just as well as evil there is still good. I have been abused by my father, I have been in relationships where I have been abused for many years. My virginity was stolen from me raped at the age of 14 by 2 people I thought were my friends. Two of my best friends over the years slept with my boyfriends and just recently after 7 years left after doing nothing short of being there by his side through all his crap. The reason I write this is again there is evil and i have seen it all my life but the most important thing to remember is the signs people give. Always go with your gut instinct and protect yourself until you feel safe again. After all I’ve been through I have not given up and please do not either. Do not let them win. You did nothing, they are completely insane and carma will find them as it has found everyone who ever wronged me. You can’t give up hope because numbing yourself will only numb you to joy as well. It is so hard I know.. but I’m living proof that you can and will trust again if you allow yourself to believe. The right man will respect what you have been through, he will be patient and kind and above most understanding. There are good people are one of them, I am one of them…We need to keep fighting and believing for those of us out there who do care. Research watch for the signs and never settle for anything less than you deserve. I have faith in you and hopefully me reaching out will help show while there is real evil, there is real good in the world. There is those who love and care for others so much and are waiting for others like us to come in their lives. You will overcome. Fight for yourself, believe in yourself and never ever blame yourself for the ignorance of others. Trust and believe Carma is on its way. God bless and take care sweetheart. :)

  • johnny

    March 18th, 2015 at 3:38 PM

    I am retired navy vet and I read. your. Blog.
    You have to take care. Of your. Mental and physical self first ok. Life is like. a train when It stops you only have two choices get off and get on another train or stay on and go in reverse. and relive thr same one thing in reverse. Change your life train. You’re alright

  • Susan

    May 8th, 2015 at 2:53 PM

    I believe you and I want to say how sorry I am for your experiences. This new girlfriend has a world of abuse to deal with in the future. She knows not what she does. I hope she stays safe from this very dangerous man. You will recover and you will be loved xxx

  • Gina

    March 5th, 2015 at 6:12 AM

    maybe all you can do is find the best in good people and treat yourself and them with respect. You will find hope in small things and within yourself. Inner wisdom can move you forward. Try mindfulness to break the circle of thought and let it guide you on. much love, Gina

  • Deb

    March 5th, 2015 at 9:27 AM

    I don’t understand how someone can throw you out of your own house . My ex husband was in the house until the divorce papers dictated his date of departure . The police were here due to a fight and they said he didn’t have to leave early unless he chose to . He also had a cop come stand by when he got his stuff from the house . Use your resources when someone is trying to mess with you . Don’t be a victim . Know your legal rights !

  • Nikki

    March 5th, 2015 at 9:20 PM

    I moved away from my hometown with my son Met the man I’m with now and my 7 year old loves him His real daddy recently passed away and so me and my fiance wanted a baby sister for us and him meanwhile he has 4 other kids that he told me the kids couldn’t keep him at there house. I figured it just didn’t work out with them but now our baby is 10 months and he does not pay bills help clean help with the kids. I do not work with but I still make sure everyone in well off. Well he landed a job for a few days baby needed 2 cans of formula and diapers He didn’t bother buying them. I have paid for the clothes on his back to the cigs in his mouth since day 1. I feel so used and he plays the blame game where I complain about him not helping he just wants everything his way and no compromise . He is going back to his daddy’s at 30 years old because he will have no responsibility. I’m so devistated

  • Nikki

    March 5th, 2015 at 9:23 PM

    He wants to relax all day and live the life of a boy. He is compleyley taken care of and just because I can not work to earn my money he says its not mine . My son also gets a survivor benefit which I sparingly use but He mooches food my family you name it

  • C.

    March 20th, 2015 at 8:14 AM

    I have read this article and I’m still trying to get my head around my wife wanting to leave me (married 1 year 11 months, together 7 years) for a guy she has only known for a few weeks and I can’t understand why she would want this. She claims to have been feeling this way for a year, but what hurts is that she not only didn’t tell me, but she has used all 5 of those reasons listed.

    While I understand we didn’t have the perfect marriage and living situations, I never saw this coming. We just “stopped”, as she put it. I’m trying my hardest to not hate her for this, and I get that I haven’t been the greatest husband having working long distance and her being unemployed, but its the lack of fighting for it that hurts the most. I respect her decision, but there is a lot of envy there.

    I’m not so much after advice, but comfort would be great right about now.

  • nomsa

    March 22nd, 2015 at 4:17 PM

    When someone walks away from u let them walk ur destiny was never tied to anyone that left. That which works against you actualy works for you. Your pain will pass and you will get back on ur feet again. Nothing under the sun is permanent.

  • Bec

    March 24th, 2015 at 10:46 PM

    The exact same thing happened to me! However we were married 7 years together for 16, and 3 kids… My husband found someone 11 years younger and left me 8 weeks after meeting her!!

    I wish you all the best finding the new you and someone who loves you for who you really are!!

  • chris

    March 28th, 2015 at 3:00 PM

    My wife left me in Aug last fall. She said she was done and was forcing herself to love me. She stayed in the house wanting to go straight from our house to her new one. She told our three kids she was leaving before I got back from extended combat training at joint base dix. She told them that they were staying with me, she couldn’t afford them. Well, back story. She threatened the same thing back in 2006 but begged to come back when I called her on it. Plus she cheated on me 3 times that I know off. The last was in 06 at a family reunion with her 1st cousin and the kids were with her. Her own mother confronted her and gave her 2 days to tell me. Plus her step mother has been trying to break us up for 10 years. Well. After all of this I still loved her and wanted things to work. Now she said she can’t give me a second chance because she doesn’t want to chance things going back to the way they are for her now also saying she needs to find a new man in front of the kids. After 3 weeks of mixed signals, sleeping in the same bed, having sex and her emotional outbursts at the kids, I asked her to leave. She left and went there dad and sister tree planting mother’s. Not 2 weeks after she left she told me she has to learn to love herself get things good with the kids then we can work on us. Well the local man who wrecked his own marriage got to her and then she was after him. She spent a few nights at his place and on new year’s eve she drove him home and spent the night. She would tell me that she doesn’t love me right now or not coming back right now. Also she kept looking at me at the bar.. In January the kids want nothing to do with her because of the lies she has been telling plus my brother and his wife took her side, I just wanted them to be on the kids side. She threatened to kill herself in August in front of our youngest plus in January at her place of work saying she is going to enact her plan sooner. Well the next week she filed a pfa against me to leverage her getting the kids half time and support paying child support. Was going to deal it away in 3 days if I would sign custody modification. The kids were emotional wreck thing of this, so I told lawyer I hired that we were muddy the waters and I will take the pfa so the kids don’t have to go thru this. But they are forced to be with her every other weekend. I was with my ex wife for 18 years 13 of marriage. I couldn’t believe she would do this to our family. I went through a lot in my life but this by far hurt the most. I still find myself wanting her back, I miss her. Is there something wrong with me. How do I get thru this pain?

  • Prissy

    August 3rd, 2015 at 10:43 AM

    Nothing is wrong with you! No one is perfect, but Its not you. Sometimes people are just so selfish and they think they are going to find someone better and most of the time they dont. If you aske most people who leave their spouses if they are happy in their decision, if theyre being honest, most of them would say no. Yea, meeting otherpeople may be fun for a little while, but coming home to someone who knows you inside out is un-irreplaceable. Youve got to understand that sometimes no matter what you do its just not good enough for that other person. Thats not because of you, its because of her. She has made a huge mistake and she will have to deal with that and the hurt she has caused you and your children for the rest of her life. I know it hurts, my husband left me too. Its not you though,youjust do your best for your kids and do your best to just move on. You will get through it.

  • Sad

    April 4th, 2015 at 5:11 AM

    My husband and I have been together for 12 years and married for 6 years. Over the past year he has been leaving me in the dark about a lot of stuff. Everytime there is a family outing with his family he always picks on me for the smallest thing, it always gets blown out of proportion and I don’t end up going. His family don’t know what happens prior to him arriving alone, but I feel realy awkward and don’t want them to think that I’m snobbing them out. For his mothers birthday I baked and cooked all night and day. The morning came and he started screaming at me. He insisted I shouldn’t go. I had made all the food and he had left it all behind. I took it over as there were 4super large steel trays full of food that would have gone to waste if I left it at home. I explained I couldn’t make it and walked away. He screamed at me in front of his son when he arrived home. Thus year I received an anonymous email. It stated a picture from FB showing a conversation between my husband and this girl he use to sleep with. He was asking for her number then the conversation ended. I got his phone and looked for her name. Nothing showed. I put the number in and he had named her 1 of his work mates. I asked him for an explanation. His response was that he thought about it and couldn’t go through with it because he couldn’t hurt me. But he hurts me everyday. I don’t know if I should trust him. Lately he has been sleeping in the spare room, leaves in the morning to visit his parents, comes back and then blames me saying that he dosent want to be around someone miserable. Of course I’m sad. I’m not happy being left out. I don’t know if he’s cheating. I don’t think he is as he has a very close relationship with his family. I don’t think he loves me anymore. What do I do to save my marriage or how do find the strength to leave?

  • Heather

    April 5th, 2015 at 4:08 PM

    This is unacceptable behavior from your husband. You are trying so hard and are not getting the appreciation you deserve. It appears the more you try, the more you are rejected. It seems odd to me he does this before family outings almost as if he is looking for things and this has me wondering. The unfortunate truth is unless two people are willing to work on a marriage it will never work. As woman we can try so hard and bend over backwards. At the end of the day, If someone truly loves you the way you deserve they will not allow you to feel this way. Finding that on Facebook is a huge red flag. If a man is wondering, looking, you can almost bet he is cheating. Sleeping in the spare room shows separation and guilt. Is he really going to his parents house? Are you close with his family? I am just wondering something just seems very off. The correct answer is not to say “I don’t want to be around someone miserable”. The answer is how can we make you happy and ease your feelings. Men have a habit of making us woman feel crazy, this is a strategy to deter us from the truth. Do not allow someone to ever make you feel less or wrong. If you have to question them or yourself 9 times out of 10 there is a good reason for this. As woman we must always trust our gut, I wish I had so many times. I would take a stand and approach this situation head on. Every time you allow someone to get over on you or away with something that hurts you, this takes a piece of you away. You know in your heart this is totally unacceptable behavior. You deserve to be happy, bottom line. If you are not than this is a problem that needs solved, as I am sure you would be right at his side if roles were reversved. I would suggest conseling to him. If he truly loves you and wants this marriage to work he will do what it takes. Let him know you are very serious and you have reached your breaking point. I cannot tell you how many exs I have that say they never believed I would ever leave. Men can be relentless and because they do not think off of emotions like us, they tend to see ours as silly. The truth is if it is important to you, it should be important to him. I live by this rule. There are other ways of finding things out, but that all depends on which boundaries you are willing to cross. They are apps you can install on a cell phone that is undetectable to the person, yet you will be sent reports of calls, texts etc. Just be prepared if you do this, you may see certain things that can really hurt you. At the same time, sometimes it is better to know the truth. The truth hurts us, but it also helps us to move on quicker. You can not continue to live this way. You are brave to reach out, that is the first sign you are ready to stand up for yourself and ready to take yourself back. I split with my ex on Christmas. He made me feel like it was me, I realized later it was not and can not believe I spent so much time allowing him to make me feel this way. By the time I left, I hardly knew who I was anymore. I continue to find myself everyday, it is a great feeling to get yourself back. Please never allow anyone to take that from you. I hope you can continue to be strong and take the steps to be in control. Remember you deserve to be happy and there are many other men out there who will treat you right. Living is not living unless you are truly living, being respected and happy. I have faith in you, I am here supporting your happiness and believe you will find the strength to do exactly what you need to. Remember when one door closes another one always opens. I will not lie to you, this will not be easy, but I can promise YOU WILL feel relief from staying true to yourself. If it comes to the point of separation, at least the pain will be temporary. You can NOT continue to live this way, and I am so sorry you have been going through this. I know this awful feeling so well. There will be light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to search for it and stay positive no matter what. Sometimes all it takes is to know someone believes in you to find the strength. I believe in you, life is what we make it. Now grab that bull by its horns and take a stand!!! Take your life back, It is yours to live!! Im routing for you 100%! I myself currently struggle financially since leaving and I am facing losing everything at the moment, but I never give up hope. I could not allow a man to make me feel less another second! I still manage to stay positive through it all, that is the most important thing you can do and the best advice I can ever give. :)

  • cali

    April 25th, 2015 at 7:54 AM

    Heather omg I read your article you wrote and this is so real I honestly wish I had that support from you I’m 26 years old with 2 kids and my life has been hurtful and heartbreaking within my relationship I don’t want to drag a long story out but I recently got married in Jan and my husband just left me with no explanation in 2 months of our marriage but I have some proof on my end. I am determined to hear what you would have to say about my situation I honestly need some help and feedback I have no support where I live just negativity that’s it my family doesn’t understand how I feel at all please Heather if there is any way possible please write back please.

  • Kristie

    May 3rd, 2015 at 7:21 AM

    Thanks heather for your positive feedback it is needed very much right now. I know your not talking directly to me but it felt as though you were thank you again 😘

  • Teisha

    August 26th, 2015 at 9:32 PM

    Thank you so much I need this and the Most high

  • annoymous

    April 13th, 2015 at 3:45 PM

    Hi I need some advice.. I’m married with 2 beautiful kids under the age of 3 .. My husband of 4 years left me when I was 5 months pregnant with our son last year I find out he is sleeping with someone he worked with at the time. After months and months of lies raising our daughter alone and pregnant I have birth to our son while in labor I drove myself to the hospital after my water broke he was in and out of the room on his phone texting talking etc well that very night I had my beautiful baby he was holding him while his guy friend came to visit well his phone went off and that’s when I found out with my own eyes he had been lying and was with another girl. He only saw our daughter twice a month.. Then after our son he asks me to come back I go back and he’s still trctong her the night I moved back in so the very next morning with my 1 week old baby and my toddler I pack up and move out again. Long story short we got back together. My son is 9 months tomorrow and their daddy walked out on us yet again today. With no signs no reason why just said he had to go he had to do it. After everything promises etc he leaves again. I’m at stay at home mom and he took all our money maxed out my personal credit card and I don’t know what to do. I’m lost I’m hurt and I’ve cried all day. Please someone give me some advice

  • Teresa

    April 13th, 2015 at 9:15 PM

    My boyfriend of 24 yrs left me and our kids two months ago, we have two daughters that live with us one is 22yrs old and the other one is 23 yrs old and she is terminal ill who needs 24 hr care. So I’m a stay at home mom my daughter and his brother live with us to help pay for medical bills, supplies, food shelter etc. he left his family for another women who is 25 and pregnant now, she has a daughter that she lost custody of because of drugs and he is now doing drugs. I will not let him see our daughter until he takes a drug test and std test. He hasn’t seen his children since he left,my daughter that is 22 wants nothing to do with him,she really wants to kick his having a hard time dealing with this, I can’t believe he could do this to us he was a wonderful father and husband what makes a man do this? I just can’t understand. How can he just forget about his family? Everyone keeps saying mid life crisis. This isn’t him. He blames everything on me told his brother that I made his daughter hate him. I’m sorry but she has a mind of her own and can make her own mind. I have someone that they work with that gives me info and all they do is talk about me and say I’m a terrible mother and person..

  • Jonathan

    April 30th, 2015 at 7:29 PM

    Hi, I married my wife when i was 22 yo
    We have been together for 9 no kids (thank God) she was my first love for everything, but things didn’t work, and now she say she sees me like a friend
    I apologize for this somewhat sloppy reply
    I just want some kind of advice i feel like there is no reason to live anymore
    Btw she is the only family i have here and i cant get past the fact that she doesn’t love me anymore
    I want move out of state or go back to my country but, i also have a little hope that in a few months she will change her mind
    I have lost my appetite I don’t know what to do, pls any advice will be very helpful

  • Meshell

    May 3rd, 2015 at 9:08 PM

    After 27 years of marriage, four kids, two grands, my husband packed up. And moved in with one of our daughters (the mother of our grand babies) he stayed six weeks before her husband couldn’t take it any more. Now he is living with his parents.

    A year ago an old high school girl friend found him on Facebook. They started talking all the time. They had lunch once a month. She bought him a watch and pajamas for his birthday. I kept telling him she felt more than friendship. He said no, that for the first time in years he finally had a best friend. She never friended me on Facebook, never liked my posts, red flags were going off all over the place. I think she kept downing our relationship. She lives about an hour and a half away. He said he filed for divorce on April 14. I have yet to get the call to come sign them.

    I am doing my best to just not communicate with him. He said he found a small house in our town and just needs time. He has a lot of health issues. I don’t know if he has fallen for her, if it is a mid life crisis or what. I have cried more over the past eight weeks than during my entire life. But I am steadily going forward. I wonder if he even filed those papers. I think he is waiting to see about this house he is looking at. She has a steady job and will not leave it. Our two oldest sons, fifteen and nineteen are going to live with him. So it isn’t like he will be able to have her for sleepovers. They WOULD NOT like that at all.

    I am confused. He said he left because of lack of communication and the fact that I wasn’t listening to him about his health. His health issues are not serious. He is on disability because of multiple chemical sensitivity. His father, a minister, married us. I can’t understand why they aren’t questioning this. This whole situation is crazy. The obvious answer is he is sleeping with the “friend”. But things with him have never been logical.

    Any ideas? Mid life crisis?

  • Chris in a lot of pain

    May 9th, 2015 at 9:45 AM

    Wife of 22 years left 2 weeks ago because she decided she was gay and had reciprocal feelings towards our best female friend. We met at school and I’m not ready for what happened, she just left for our friend. We didn’t argue, had some physical relations which I thought meant she was bisexual. I’ve not coped at all… Was in hospital for 5 days and am trying my best to eat and drink which feels pointless. Medical lot are checking daily but there is nothing I can do. My wife and friend are not really communicating and when they said they wanted to be friends I think they wanted amicable aquanties. I’ve lost my wife, best friend, kids as I’m not in a state to see them and daily fatherly contCt. The only help anyone can offer is it gets better in time. I just don’t see it. I also feel like such a wreck and can’t see any woman ever wanting me as I don’t like me. My wife wanting me to be happy is tormenting. Any youths on how to cope welcome….

  • Chris in a lot of pain

    May 10th, 2015 at 12:39 AM

    Feel like I’m ready to give up. Tired of the fight. Can anyone help?

  • Paul

    May 24th, 2015 at 12:46 AM

    Chris, first let me apologize for what im going to ask. Are you real? Is this forum legitimate? I just cant believe how active this board appears with people who are going through this. My wife of 10 years left 4 weeks ago and hasnt looked back. I caught her in an affair with a coworker and then found out she slept with my friend in my own home while I was asleep. I am loosing my home in a few weeks because im disabled and she was the breadwinner. I lost my wife, two stepdaughters and someone I thought was a friend.I was good to her and never cheated. My world is upside down right now with no end in sight. If you need someone to vent just reach out to me. Paul W.

  • Cody

    May 25th, 2015 at 6:25 AM

    Paul what did you do to overcome the sadness?

  • Paul

    May 25th, 2015 at 12:11 PM

    I havent overcome anything yet. My life is in a tailspin right now. This just happened 4weeks ago.

  • Sage

    May 28th, 2015 at 1:40 PM

    Paul that’s interesting. 6 months ago my wife of 6 years been together now going on 9 years looks over at me and says she doesn’t know if she wants to be married anymore. It caused me to have a heart attack, literally. I am disabled and have unique issues that cause stroke like symptoms and memory issues. I am good to my wife. When we met we had both been divorced so we started with the big stuff. Loyalty, infidelity, honesty. We made specific vows centered around this. After my heart attack I found out she was talking to an ex boyfriend, having an emotional affair. She didn’t admit the affair part until this week. Two months ago she said it was over with him. However while she was visiting her family her “step” uncle came to town, I was not there but the day he arrived she turned cold. We spoke daily our entire relationship and had never even apart more than a few days. Now she was gone two weeks and something was different. A few days prior she said she reflected and love me and wanted me but then he showed up. She came home and during our talk she slipped and said she had slept in the same bed as him. I found this wholly inappropriate and said as much. A week goes by and I join her for another visit for 11 days. Hoping she would relax a little. She didn’t, at 35 she was sneaking off to smoke cigarettes (I was a smoker, she was not, I quit 6 years ago). So we come home and a week later she leaves again and stays gone almost two weeks. She returns for a few days. She kisses me passionately last Friday night and says. I am going to visit my parents and I will be back. Earlier that day she had told my mom she was leaving again but not in a bad way. Do Saturday comes and she calls me. She nonchalantly says “I am going to stay with my step
    Uncle in Illinois for a few weeks”. To which I protested and she got off the phone with me. I found out she already had a rental before she even told me. Next day she goes to Illinois. She ignored my calls and texts between then. Finally she calls when she is halfway there. She says she is doing this for our marriage. I am an amazing husband and I am taking it all wrong. I told her actions speak louder than words and ur refusing to talk but abandoning me to leave the state. She doesn’t call for two days. When she does she simply says she doesn’t want to be married anymore. Two more days pass and today she texts about me packing the house (I am going to lose it) and she is now not retuning until June 30th but not necessarily here as she insists upon a divorce.

    I am reeling. We were happy. I was sick but it didn’t matter. We made each other laugh every day, we goofed off an had fun. We loved like I have never experienced. This has to be an affair right?

  • Paul

    May 28th, 2015 at 10:50 PM

    Sage, yah that sounds like an affair and it sounds like she is admitting to it in her own way. A cheater will only admit to what they think you already know and usually they wont divulge all the details. If you do a search on the topic you will find that studies are revealing an epidemic of infidelity right now. You can thank societies changing attitude towards sex with social media being one of the cheaters biggest tools as well as sites like ashley are as high as up to 70 percent infidelity for women and 80 percent for men. Its truly disgusting. The common age seems to be women in their mid thirties. My wife is 34. Been together 10 years. What hurts the most is She didnt just cheat and come crying back to me, she led a double life for 2 years and left after she was caught. Im guessing she made up some bullcrap to try to justify it because no one is talking to me and yet my daughter and I are the victims of this shitstorm. I dont think she will ever know how much I loved her and how loyal I was to her. Im sorry for your pain right now. Where are you located? Maybee we can find a way to keep in contact if youd like to talk more. Im in Oregon.

  • Prissy

    August 3rd, 2015 at 10:22 AM

    Oh gosh Im sorry for your pain. Its a long story between my ex and I, but basically he just left me one day because I wouldnt give him 20 dollars for gas, because I didnt have it, and I wouldnt let him use my car because I only had enough gas to get back and forth to work and didnt have any more money to put in my tank because I paid the bills, I dont know where his money went. I had to get my own account because he kept taking huge amounts of money out of our joint account without even saying anything about it or what it was for. Drugs and cheating were problems in the past. Anyway, I told him to just ask his mom to.borrow 20 dollars we just had to make it to that Thursday that waa payday, but he got so mad at me and moved the tv and some of his other things out immediately and told me he was leaving me because he was worth more than I gave him credit for. My son just walked around crying this whole time. I cried a little, but I didnt beg him to stay. Im wondering now if I should have. I loved him dearly and I still do, I had resentment built up because he didnt always treat me the best. Im fairly sure he had affairs, he cheated a lot before when we were together, lied so much, did drugs and lost his job while I was pregnant. The list goes on and on, I did hold resentment for that and no I didnt tell him how wonderful he was every day, but I gave him a pat on the back when he needed it and Id set money aside so that we could have family time on the weekends and do fun things. He basically told me he was just doung the right thing when I asked why he married me (I got pregnant before we were married) and judging by his behavior I see that he was definately acting like he was unhappy and just married me to do the right thing. I just dont understand why Im not good enough for him. I never was, I dont get it. Im still just so hurt.

  • in Atlanta

    May 10th, 2015 at 11:01 PM

    I wish I could meet one of these women in here going through all this pain and sweep them off their feet. I’m on a dead end relationship and can’t leave because of my kids. I’m thinking of not paying the bills next month and moving out while she’s away. She ruined mothers day after I bought her gifts and took her out. Hate is a strong word but I think I do hate het for all the evil things she has done to me and our kids. Telling them she didn’t want them,etc

  • Brensa

    May 29th, 2015 at 6:37 AM

    My ex just left me with all the bills lol he walked out of my life like nothing and im the only hurting…if you need someone to talk to I’m here

  • Thulani

    May 31st, 2015 at 2:17 AM

    the fafher of my baby gel have been hot n cold for abt three years now .well it started while i was pregnant he used to beat me kick me or drag me on the road beating me if i have found out that he was cheating.or even chase me away sometimes every time he does sumthing wrong but i kept on staying becoz i luvd him n ddnt want to hurt his feelings after giving birth i found out tht he have been changing gels like peds….well i wanted to move out but had no choice things at home are not gud but i stayed unhappy though sometimez he wud say words painfull one but becoz i loved this guy it wasnt easy to just live .i remember one day i was with him n hiz brothers i found out tht his talking with somether lady in his home the i waited for him to see me n then i took my child n went to sleep guess what he budge in n started to drag me out side i tried to run but had no power he catched me n started beating me up n tripped me then i fall n he drag me with my foot untill my leg got dislockated couldnt even walk i wanted out but i forgave him untill other day we werent talking coz he have started it so dd not ask went to shopping when i came back my clothes were out side even my baby’s clothes then i waited for him he said to me i must go n stay where i will feel free n do whatever i want there well i just packed my stuff n left but after a week came back to him untill now he said tht i must get my own man i said to its better i go n stay with my children instead of this bcoz this time around i have been asking him to stay with his family atlist once in a week not with friends especial gelz friends guys i need ur help am i wrong to move out of this relationship becos i feel like im all by myself n cant be happy when i feel like going out coz he’ll be controlling me like i am his wife

  • The Team

    May 31st, 2015 at 11:25 AM

    Thank you for your comment, Thulani. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at

    Warm regards,
    The Team

  • Patty

    July 11th, 2015 at 3:36 PM

    I have been married for 6 1/2 years and now i want to leave my husband. He is selfish and shows no affection for me. In time of need his true colors blossom. It’s like he wants to keep me down. We have a daughter, and kids can’t keep a marriage together. I have decided my happiness is what I need. I rather struggle financially for awhile then live in a horrible marriage. Peace of mind is what I want

  • Eric

    May 20th, 2015 at 12:24 PM

    I need some advice and to help here with my own feelings. I am unsure what to do.

    I took a job overseas to help the financial situation of my home. I was unemployed a year after leaving the Army due to a medical retirement. My wife had insisted on getting a new house before we were ready. She is a realtor. She always eyeballed a house that her male boss was selling.

    Well one month into my overseas job that was just for 18 months…she told me she was leaving me after the financing on the new house fell through. I later found out she moved into the house her male boss was selling. They immediately started living together before I was ever handed a divorce.

    I received my divorce and was devastated by my helpless circumstance. It was rephrased that I abandoned the family and since I made good money now I was responsible for paying the x with her new man $2,000/mo.

    Once my divorce was finalized, I met someone else myself, however my x then began to use this new person of mine to hide her guilt. My children were now being brainwashed into believing I left then for this new woman as well as a few of her not so close friends. My x married her affair partner within the allowed 60 days of our divorce finalized. We have two children together and she has two other children by two other fathers that are not in their lives. (Her x comitted suicide when I met her). I now no longer can afford to live near my children and my job is a roaming goverment contracting job. I have a huge financial mess where I make more money than most people but I pay out so much.

    I feel torn of the situation and the new person in my life has given me perspective on how relationships are truly to be. I love my children and feel I am stuck between it all… Surviving; my job; my children and my new love. I feel now I am stuck either serving my x to her wishes just to see my children but never afford it. Keep my job but end up with neither my children or my love or move else where I can at least survive and see my kids seldomly and be with the person who makes me happy.

  • Paul

    May 28th, 2015 at 10:54 PM

    Eric, was the suicide a result of his relationship troubles with your ex? And how did you and her cope with that?

  • think I'm in denial

    May 20th, 2015 at 12:44 PM

    So I’ve been married for 5 years. We are now separated again but he is now living with another woman, same woman he dated for 4 months during our last seperstion. I moved 800 miles away from everyone and everything I had to try to make this work for us and our 2 young children wasn’t even 2 weeks and he left me and moved back in with her why do I still have hope why do I really believe that someday we will work things out?

  • Don

    May 22nd, 2015 at 4:13 AM

    My wife is leaving me after 24 years and I was great to her and she even admitted it but got bored with me and started treating me terrible. I am sad but trying to get my life back together. i do not think I could ever do this to another human being and especially one I am suppose to care about but then again I am not self-centered like she is!

  • frank

    May 26th, 2015 at 5:15 AM

    My exwife left me for some guy she meet at a club and he choked her to death. Oh well, f$%# her!

  • Brenda

    May 29th, 2015 at 6:46 AM

    My ex boyfriend just moved out left me carelessly with all the bill.He was always a depressed person and I was always there for him then I started to become depressed. When you give yourself to a person completely then they just walk out of your life like nothing its so easy for them… I feel depressed and don’t know how to cope everything reminds me of him and it’s harder at night sleeping alone I saw this coming but still wasn’t prepared enough.

  • Alison

    May 30th, 2015 at 3:43 PM

    My husband of 20years has just told he’s leaving me that he’s not in love with me anymore and has been living a lie for the past year!! I am devastated we have 3 children and one doing his GCSEs I am a mess my daughter keeps questioning me and I’m trying to hold it together but I’m in so much pain and I can’t imagine my life without him
    We’ve had a strained relationship for a while due to our busy work schedule but I never thought he would do this it doesn’t make sense it’s all so final he won’t go to relate because it’ll be the same answer he says!! I’m starting to think he has someone else but he says not I can’t believe he would do this to me so am I just being paranoid because I can’t accept that he just doesn’t love me anymore or is it a possibility because it seems like he has somewhere else to go
    Please help I feel like I’m drowning and don’t know how to protect my kids from the pain they will feel

  • What2donowyyc

    November 2nd, 2015 at 12:58 PM

    I feel horrible for you, this is going to be a very hard time but you’re going to have to focus on the kids. They are the only thing that matters now and the better the life you make for them the quicker you will heal. You will be happy again, I promise. Just focus on those kids and how you can better yourself for them and you

  • jackie

    June 10th, 2015 at 12:41 PM

    I’m going through the same thing you’re going through. Only we have a son together. I cry everyday and have been in bed with no desire to do anything. I cry more for my son who looks confused and thinks when I’m on the phone its daddy. I feel broken, rejected, and unloved. I was there for him when he was at his lowest point. I feel like I’m slowly dying I tried and gave him everything I had even if it wasn’t alot.

  • Don

    June 10th, 2015 at 3:02 PM

    Jackie I feel your pain as you know my situation. Please try to get some structure in your and your sons life.
    Do not communicate with him as he will only confuse and hurt you more!
    I am sitting in my home with four dogs and a cat while she is in another state confused and telling me she is no longer in love with me. She use to tell me I was a good man and was so good to her.
    I do not try to figure out why as it only makes me sad. I work out at a gym and have put my grandson and myself in martial arts to help me cope.
    You will be fine in the long run but make him be financially responsible for you and your son and make sure you can get counseling to help you both.
    People are self-centered and do not think of the people they hurt.
    I will pray for you and just take it one day at a time and get up everyday with a plan
    Take care Don
    Please let me know how you are doing

  • jackie

    June 17th, 2015 at 11:12 PM

    I got back with him. We are taking things slow but it looks like he has a lot of maturing to do. I pray this is God’s will. It’s so hard because I love him and I am trying my best to keep my family together.

  • Ollie H

    May 31st, 2015 at 5:28 PM

    I would like for to pray for me to restore my marriage,I still want to work out are problems..

  • Cathy

    June 4th, 2015 at 4:03 PM

    My husband is leaving me after 5 years of marriage 7 years together. He says he loves me very much but is not in love with me I am devastated feel like I’m dying inside. I worked 2 jobs for 5 of our 7 years to put him through school. He started changing as soon as he graduated. I feel used and devastated this is one of the toughest time in my life.

  • Nate

    June 6th, 2015 at 10:55 PM

    My wife of fifteen years did almost exactly the same thing to me. As soon as she had her degree and job, she didn’t need me anymore – at least that’s how I’ve chosen to see it. So, basically this proves to me she was using me for some time, which (while devastating perhaps) allows me to at least be thankful she isn’t, and can’t anymore.

    You need to find someone who loves you, rather than someone that wants what they can get from you.

    Good luck.

  • Doug

    June 12th, 2015 at 1:23 PM

    My girlfriend of 5 years and mother of my child seems to have just done the very same thing to me.

  • rhonda

    July 13th, 2015 at 1:18 AM married to my husband forfor 4 years.i made more money than him.I stuck by him through his madness.Drinking and drugging.He never went for help.I always felt he was doing what he wanted because he just wanted to.I cared for him too much.I let my guard down.He now has a better job and only four months being employed,he says we have nothing in common, we should be friends.He not used to anything.Now he gets another chance of living a better life, he’s gone.All he did was lie to me . he used me. He’s 52 years old.its been 2 months of separation. F course he blames me.Im hurt , all of my bills are on me.He won’t give me any money..he’s a heartless man.

  • Brian

    June 5th, 2015 at 9:30 AM

    My wife is leaving me after 11 years of marriage. She has developed feelings for a woman she works with and cannot walk away from her. I am completely devastated, I love her so much, and we have two children together.

    She said that our marriage lacked intimacy and passion and are now more like brother and sister, she has no feelings of desire left for me at all she says and I’ve spent 9 weeks trying to change her mind, but failed.

    Do you have any advice to help me?

  • Shay S

    July 28th, 2015 at 8:59 PM

    Move on and don’t look back you deserve better then that some times broken glass need to stay broke don’t try to fix it sweep it up and throw it away “GOD is gonna put your soul mate right in front of you bless you and Carrie on you don’t need that to be in contact in front of your children….it’s her lost don’t take her back either…then she win

  • Wendy

    June 8th, 2015 at 5:26 AM

    Have a long story.

  • Pearl

    September 28th, 2015 at 11:57 PM

    Hi Wendy, I was a bit like you a year ago, had so much to reflect over I didn’t know where to start . After it finally sunk in that the man I thought I’d married was obviously not and what’s more he wasn’t even trying to cover up or be nice any more. There was an excuse for every red flag that had shown up through the many years with the women who’s emails he left open on his desk top , always the needy type in a ‘bad relationship’ sad lonely women who fell for his charms (like he is some credible marriage guidance councellor haha ! ) and more lately photos on the Internet with him on holiday with a past flirt that came to light on a social net work . After finally loosing respect for him I no longer feel the pain. The only one I feel sad about is our son, they used to be so close ,it’s as though he is jealous of how his own sons life is going so great, has his dream job , his youth and health and try’s to make US feel guilty about HIS life choices that he still insists on taking , even though the jobs he takes are for longer spells on the other side of the world and with every excuse why he can’t phone , email ( no or little Internet ) give out his address or even post a letter, can’t send him birthday cards or presents – ( post to expensive and can’t trust the mail ) When you are ready to tell your story Wendy , you will be amazed on how it flows. When it doesn’t hurt anymore and you find your partners actions pathetic . You won’t even bother to try to communicate with him and find your self at peace not playing into his emotional abuse games. I kept his dirty secrets like they were my fault , like the time he came home 2 weeks before our baby was due when I felt like a beached whale and told me he was in love with girl in the office 12 years my jnr. I forgave him as this exact thing had happened in my first marriage (all that he knew already ) he had convinced me that my ex was a looser and that I should never doubt or mistrust HIM – when all the time he was covering up that he had no feelings or empathy for anyone else but himself. I read somewhere that narcsassists will never loose any sleep over our pain . In fact they will sleep more soundly knowing we are eating out our hearts and crying ourselves to sleepover them My ‘husband’ would withhold from me in many ways, not just lack of communication. When he did come home, often after 9 months abroad, he would turn his back on me in bed . I would cry all night just waiting for a hug. He could turn on a tear and look remorseful but wouldn’t answer if I said to him , ” I can get through anything if I know that you love me” he would milk all my tears until we both turned defensive and would turn it round to irritation accusing me of mistrust in doubting him . I’m SO GLAD I am off that (not so) Merry go round – come roller coaster rides through dark depressive rides in and out of sadness. ! I’ve let go, I’ve got my life back and can’t wait to hear you and others on this site can feel the same way . it will come . Best wishes.

  • Wendy

    June 8th, 2015 at 5:58 AM

    Here it is. My husband of over 14 years left two weeks ago. Over the years we had many issues. Drinking ,infidelity and porn being the worst, both on his part. I stuck with him and eventually the drinking did become better however I had difficulty fully trusting him after the first infidelity about two years in to our marriage. He would attempt to hide his porn addiction by holing up in the loft in our garage when I was not home. My children (we have 2) would always mention and ask “what does dad do up there?”. I would get upset but he insisted there was nothing wrong with it. About three months ago he had been out in the garage for a particularly long time (this is were he smokes). Curious I went out and heard him drop something out of my sight. When I asked about it he began to av suspicious so I attempted to go look. He held me back and then confessed that he was bi-sexual and had been texting with another man. He insisted he had never acted on it, but that it turned him on. I was devastated! I banished him to the basement couch while I tried to deal with my shock and disbelief. At this time he professed his love for me and wanted to work things out. But I felt like he had used me and that he had only married me to have “a life he would otherwise never have had”. Even after this I still love/loved him, but I had no idea what to do or how to proceed. So I did nothing. He had over the years became grumpy and this only got worse. Then one night he did not come home until 5:30am. When I confronted him he lied and said he had just “came home late” assuming that I was sleeping. I asked him to leave in my anger and three days later while I was at work he moved out without telling me. He explained he needed to “find himself” and deal with all the shitty things and pain he had caused to others. He said he would always love me but that I just wasn’t able to forget the past. Last Thursday in anger I took his remaining clothes to his home only to find another woman there preparing him dinner. After days of denying a relationship he finally admitted he had met her just over a month ago and they were “seeing” each other. I am humiliated, devastated and heartbroken he would replace me so quickly. I still love him and hate myself for it. He is so cold and aloof it drives me crazy. I am drowning in my grief. I so want to move on but feel abandoned and unloveable.

  • Patricia

    July 24th, 2015 at 11:10 AM

    I’m sorry you have to go thru what you must do is have No Contact with him no phone,txts,social media NOTHING if it’s about the kids short & sweet only about the kids no matter what this will allow him to think about the things he has done & yourself to think about the things you’ve allowed don’t be so hard on yourself I know I’m going through it now but you must get your life in order for not yourself because the kids will eventually suffer behind this & trust me the thing with the other woman will not last.take care

  • Lori

    June 15th, 2015 at 7:36 PM

    My husband has decided he wants to seperate, because he needs to focus on his career. He wants to have a better paying job, to provide for us better, and he cant seem to do that having us here, so he is sending me, along with our daughter, and my 2 sons packing. He is making me take all my things, after 2 years married, 3 together. He calls this a seperation, but making me take all my things and move away, seems like he is just trying to spare my feelings, not asking for a divorce straight out. I will probably get the letter in the mail in a couple months. It hurts because i love him. He also uses the excuse that my 2 sons, not his btw, are too much for him to handle. He sure didnt think that when we got married now did he. Yes, it sucks, but im young, and life does go on i suppose… only time will tell if this is a permanent seperation or not. I may not even want him back after all. Since he can just drop us like taking out the garbage. Thats not a man..

  • Brittany

    June 16th, 2015 at 8:31 AM

    In the same boat. If he can just walk no strings attached then I don’t want him back. I always thought our love for each other would conquer all, but I was sadly mistaken. I’m heartbroken and sad for out two boys who love him so much. We must move on, If I don’t walk now I’ll only get hurt again by him. I love him so much and wish things were different, but I’ll be strong for my boys they need me much more then my husband ever did.

  • Rodney

    June 27th, 2015 at 10:49 PM

    Keep your head up you are not alone

  • Meimei

    July 5th, 2015 at 7:08 AM

    My husband left me as he fall o love with a woman online which he has never meet. Got obsessed with animal rights became activist. This woman they will meet in August is the leader of the activist. I am devastated as only a few month ago we celebrated valentines day… He got me a ipad3 took me to a nice hotel bed and bathroom full of rose paddles. I can’t know what went wrong. I have cried for months. I asked him to move out before we settle divorce as I want to respect myself not wanting to wait till august to see if there are really both in live. I sleep and eat baflt. Lost 6 kg. I feel betrayed n disappointed. Not sure I have the strength to recover.. He speaks animal suffering communication with “dead” he has completed changed. I feel so hurt. I miss how much if a gentleman he was and how extremely romantic he can be. We had a wonderful wedding
    I am so desperate not knowing how to get out of it

  • JM1240

    June 18th, 2015 at 9:33 AM

    So, I have been married to my husband for 14 1/2 years. We have two children together and 2 from my previous marriage. My husband is in the military and has spent alot of time away from us because of deployments and travel. We have gone through alot in our marriage to include a long custody battle with my ex and having financial trouble years ago, as a result. 4 years ago my husband came home and announced he was thinking of divorce. I was devastated. He had just told be we were good and he loved me shortly before. Well, he left on an extended work trip overseas a couple weeks later and completely disconnected. Didn’t call, nor would he discuss our situation in email. When he returned he agreed to go to marriage counseling. We went and started making progress. Then we were transferred to another state for his job. As soon as we arrived in our new location, he started acting weird again. Leaving on trips, not connecting when he was gone and making issues out of things instead of continuing to work on things. We starting counseling again and went through three counselors, one of which he choose, over the last 3 years. Each counselor has said the same thing, he is focused on himself. He doesn’t seem to understand that his actions create conflict in our relationship. Well, a year and a half ago he announced he needed a separation for 30-days and walked out on us in the middle of the night. During that 30 days, I started thinking that I didn’t want to be with someone that would treat me and his family this way, so I distanced myself. All the sudden a the end of the 30 days, he wanted to come home and go to counseling. We started counseling and the counselor, who he choose, told him he was focused on the wrong things and needed to work on re-connecting with me. It was a struggle. Well, 7 months into our counseling, I found some emails between him and a women he worked with. Apparently, they had worked together at his previous location and she lived in our new location and worked in an adjacent area. He had been having an emotional connection with her for 3 years. I lost it! I cried, yelled, threaten to go to his boss unless he told me the absolute truth. He did not handle all of it well and went behind my back and hired an attorney, took a large amount of money out of our savings and then a couple months later filed for divorce, all while living with me and our family, going to counseling and being intimate with me. He has never served me, and has filed for two extensions for the filing. We are now 10 months after the filing and he has left again, stating he is trying to get his head straight. He states he has not talked to the other women since I found out and that it was completely over when he left the first time. We now have a new and our 5th counselor. Our new counselor really seems to understand our real issue, which is communication on a very big level. I am on the fence with how I feel and how much more I want to put up with. He now comes home one day a week and a little on the weekends. He calls everyday and when he walks in the door he comes straight to me to hug me and give me a kiss on the head. I really don’t know what to do. I am caught between being committed to get through the bad stuff to get to the good stuff and being tired of all the conflict and chaos. Help, Good Therapy!!!!

  • koko

    July 5th, 2015 at 5:53 AM

    10 year rule as a military spouse. Look it up. Military will have his butt for Infidelity. I’ve been there and now I’m free from his affairs. Sign the SBP, 10 yr rule for half his retirement and get your cs and alimony. stop letting him treat you like a paper plate and let someone treat you like fine china

  • Rie70

    July 8th, 2015 at 6:05 AM

    No they will not. My ex husband did the same thing I tried everything and nothing. He was messing with a female on his ship one pay grade lower and still got away with it. Don’t believe it.

  • Rie70

    July 8th, 2015 at 6:09 AM

    Also my ex husband stole 25k. Left me 2000 to live off of after I got out of the navy from October to december. You are definitely not alone.

  • Rodney

    June 27th, 2015 at 10:48 PM

    My wife of 17 years left me while I was at work we were planning a trip to Disney with our 2 boys . After she moved out I found out she was in a realationship with another man my wife had many affairs I tried to work things out but they just didn’t stop this was the 2nd on in less than 2 yes not sure how to feel right now It is so hard I can’t seem to grasp how she can move on so quickly

  • Kriss

    July 8th, 2015 at 11:57 PM

    I’m sorry for what you are going through I’m in the exact same boat… Married 17 years too he left this is my husbands 2nd affair… It’s sickening how a spouse can do this..

  • Vicente

    July 9th, 2015 at 4:00 PM

    Going through the same this year. In march my fiancee left after a 4 year relationship after an argument. She saw no reason to be together and attempted no solution to work it out. I was devastated. It’s been hard. Now I can begin to say, after roughly four months, that things are feeling better within me, but many things must be done with in our own for our own to fully heal.

  • Sabrina

    July 11th, 2015 at 3:39 PM

    Similar situation

  • Jessica C

    July 17th, 2015 at 8:29 PM

    Husband walked out a week before thanksgiving on our three kids and me. Strung me along for 6 months while dating other woman. Now is dating a married woman who walked out on her husband and kids to be with mine. They got a place July 3. Both parties have kids.

    My husband for 8 months blame everuthing in our marriage even though I was faithful every single deployment and training. I did everything for him and the kids.

    It would of been 10 years of marriage this year. I filed. His excuse is he doesn’t want the government involved….

  • Matt

    July 31st, 2015 at 7:11 AM

    People like this need to be shipped to separate country/island where this is acceptable. I don’t believe in god but I sure hope in karma.

  • Lisa P

    July 28th, 2015 at 12:34 AM

    Hi, another in the same boat, was with my partner for 8 years, we had had a rough year as his hours were dropped to 3 days, then he got suspended, then sacked , secured him a job at where i work, his mum extremely ill and died recently, stuck with him through all this and then 2 months ago he literally stood up and said he didnt know what he wanted and went, phone contact for a while now zilch, nothing, have asked in a text as he not speaking ( so didnt want to mither) if were done yes or no ? And apparently he was to busy to reply,really awkward as we know work together ( why did he take job Iif he was going to do this) so feel only option is to return his posessions as he wont give me an answer, have asked if he doesnt love me any more to just say, etc etc, know just want to move on but he obviously thinks its fare to leave me in no mans land !

  • Matt

    July 31st, 2015 at 7:06 AM

    My wife left me after 7.5 years. Married 3 with a baby, also 3. Said she didn’t love me and turned to her boss. They are now together and I know she had feelings for him whilst we were together. She lied and broke my heart. I’ve lost my best friend, majority of custody of my daughter, my family home, my values and my wife. I rent a room now after owningy castle. I hate my life and want to knock her new mans teeth out.
    I asked him to leave her alone…. She’s blocked me completely out her life and of my nephews on her brothers side. She’s moved along with out a blink and I have to start all over again. I’m 33. I hate being alone. Only single guy in my group. It’s been over a year. When’s it supposed to get better?

  • Siva

    August 26th, 2015 at 7:42 PM

    OK move on

  • Heidi

    September 7th, 2015 at 7:08 PM

    Hi. I know how you feel. My husband of 5 years told me he no longer loves me about 4 months ago. He said there was no one else and now he is back in his country parading around with someone else whom I have heard he plans to marry. He lied to me while he still lived here after he decided we should separate and told me there was no one else when he was already texting this girl behind ny back. He tells her he loves her yet he was still sleeping with me and knew I was trying to win him back. Every morning I wish I did not have to wake up because it is a torture for me to go through the day feeling pain. I feel like he blames me for our failed marriage and I know that everything hehas said were all just excuses because he was too much of a coward to admit he was leaving for someone else. I feel like i will never get over it and I know there is more heartache to come. He said he filed for divorce and that was a blow to my heart after he told me he was not even considering it.

  • Desirae

    September 28th, 2015 at 9:37 AM

    Sometimes you’ve got to just let it go. I know how you feel. My ex-husband used me for everything I had and then just left. We have an 18 month old boy as well. He literally left me and took my son for almost joint custody. He’s not sad, he goes out and parties with his friends during his parenting time with our son. He doesn’t pay his child support of 17 dollars a week, yet shows up at house with brand new shoes on his feet and new clothes on his body. He’s dating without any problem Im sure. I have to live at home with my parents to get rid of all the debt I incurred through the attorney fees and EVERY bill being in my name while married. He literally got off with everything and got exactly what he wanted. I didnt take money from the family to buy stuff for myself, I didnt spend a bunch of our money on pain pills and lose my job while my wife was five months pregnant, I didnt cheat, I didnt constantly lie about everything. He did, yet he got everything he wanted. I dont get it. I dont get it for you either. Sometimes you have to keep telling yourself its not you, its really them and they will get theres on there time. You worry about getting your head right, and moving on. Your worth a lot more than a cheater. Her boss can have her, she will do the same thing to him. Youll be ok.

  • Don

    October 3rd, 2015 at 7:49 PM

    I am so sorry! It must be hard especially having little ones.
    My wife was on chat rooms after 24 years and told me she is very unhappy
    She went off to Arizona to stay with friends and get away from me.
    My therapist told me she wanted her cake and eat it to.
    I in turn joined a gym and got into shape and worked on the house
    She came back after months and said wow you have changed!
    I said yes and by the way I filed for divorce. I met a woman on-line and it’s going great but it is long distance
    I went to visit her and we really hit it off
    We are taking it slow and I hope to move there within a year
    You are young and will have a bright future
    Give her space and don’t call her or text her
    Believe me she will wonder what’s going on with you!
    Take care my friend it will get better and thank God you aren’t 58 like me
    Take care Don

  • John

    October 6th, 2015 at 9:39 AM

    Listen I’m going thru the same thing bro.fiance left me for her young boss..we have a 2 year old daughter and I went from having our own apartment to me moving back with my mother and starting over and she’s still dealing with him for the past 4months now. My advice is let it be man, there’s no point of crying over spoiled milk.u can’t respect a woman that made a choice like that. To date a boss behind ur back smh That’s the lowest a person can go. No point of taking her back at all cuz if u do she will do it again. Make her respect you and have dignity..move on get yourself together n this may take time but keep busy and stay active in ur kids life. She will regret it one day and when she do you will be in a better place mentally and moved on with another woman and that will be your revenge on her.

  • Violet

    August 3rd, 2015 at 12:51 AM

    My fiancé and I live far away from each other and maybe see each other every other weekend. Tonight while in bed at my place we had an argument. He said he didn’t want it to escalate so he left. He drove all the way home at midnight. The hardest thing for me is to sleep alone. I want to be his wife and be with him always and he just left.

    The hole in my chest is so vast. I don’t know how to feel. Anyone looking in from the outside would say I’m a fool. A girl who is blinded by love.

    I feel for everyone here because the pain is so difficult to deal with. I know for my own good I will have to pick up my shattered heart and live as if it never happened. Love hurts. 💔

  • Don

    October 3rd, 2015 at 7:41 PM

    Back away and give him space.
    If it’s meant to be it will happen!
    Had there been any changes in his behavior towards you? For him to leave like that in the middle of the night tells me that he is very immature!
    I am in a long distance relationship and it is hard but I hope to move there next year
    I wish you all the best
    Take care Don

  • Ian

    August 4th, 2015 at 2:05 PM

    My wife did not return home from work last friday (now tuesday), my son nor i have heard from her since despite numerous texting, although she has told 2 other people she is ok, these people are strangers to me, I only found out via a third party.
    I have no idea what she is doing or who she is with, it is wrenching my heart, we have been married 25 years and have a 24yr old son together. She will not even contact my son, my god, what has he done wrong.
    I’m rattling round the house all alone, crying and pleading all nigt for my wife to come home, I love her so much, She never told me what I was doing wrong. We are both in our 50’s.
    I will never get over this, I am hurting so much.

  • Rach

    August 18th, 2015 at 2:15 PM

    I’m so sorry, this broke my heart. I cried for you.
    My partner of 11yrs has just done the exact same thing to me.
    We have a 5yr old a 2yr old and a 4 week old. I’m so lost and I don’t know what to do. Plus I have all these young children to look after :( my heart breaks.

  • vince

    October 3rd, 2015 at 2:58 PM

    Try and stay strong, I know how it feels.

  • CassieD

    October 26th, 2015 at 7:52 PM

    I am so sorry for you. I can’t imagine that devastation. My husband left me after 21 years “to find his happiness” and looking for an emotional connection because we were “miles apart”. Funny thing, I didn’t know it! He said he was unhappy for 10 years. He worked through the anger already. Where was I? I guess working 2 jobs and taking care of the kids and the house. Too bad he is having a mid-life melt down. We had a solid marriage and two great kids. No debt and no issues in life. He had freedom to hang with his friends and even was lucky enough to have a swinger lifestyle and a socially bi wife that had tons of fun with him in our adult fun life style. And still couldn’t find a way to be happy. Not every day is fireworks and high school passion, my love. There is something called life. It’s so sad that 6 minths after he one-sidedly decided that OUR marriage was over, we are already divorced. He will probably wake up in a few years and regret this selfish act and damaging decision. Then what, it is just so sad.

  • Jane G.

    August 8th, 2015 at 4:49 PM

    Hi…this is an awful thing but its so nice to read these messages and know I’m not alone in feeling this heartbreak. A month ago my partner of 4 years woke up got ready for work, was just about to leave when I asked him about meeting to go book our summer holidays he turned to me and said I don’t think we should as I don’t live you anymore I’m leaving you. We had had a very hard year and the month before he left he had told me he was unhappy and was considering leaving because he was so unhappy and I was making him miserable. We talked it over and he told me all the things I was doing wrong to make him unhappy I aired a few of my worried and decided actually nobody wanted to leave and we would put the year behind us and take it month by month and try to get back to the happy place we were in before the last year. I thought everything was going well, we were hitting on better than ever, having more fun talking more, I felt confident things were going well as he told me they were. We even looked at engagement rings. We looked at the rings on Friday in my favorite shop went in tried on a ring I had seen months before , on the evening we had family and friends over. When everyone had left he told me how much he loved me , how proud he was of me. We had a good but quiet weekend. Then the on the Wednesday he told me he was leaving. He wanted to book a holiday for me and my daughter( not his child bit they have become so close she she’s him and loves him like s dad) and stay in the house with us pretend everything was fine and tell my daughter before we went away that we were splitting up and he would be gone when we got back,!! Cruel. He has moved out and in the space of a month he had completely cut me from his life. When I have been upset and called to to him he has been very cold and mean….telling me he hated being in a relationship with hated being a family and so on. I’ve no idea where he is or what he’s doing. I am very close to his family especially his mum and he has said he’s very unhappy his mum remains close to my daughter and i. And it might be wrong but I can’t just cut people out of our lives as he has done.
    We have split up before because he has been unfaithful and we have always got back together. But I’ve never really been able to trust him and while he says this time there’s no one else and this time its about us not being able to live together and his miserable I make him and have pushed him away, a week after he left I saw him with another woman. I font think I’ve ever felt pain like it. Every day I feel like I’m about to die inside. He isn’t coming back and I have accepted that as he has now told me so many times now and he just a new life without me in it. But the acceptance that he is gone from life doesn’t make me hurt any less
    Good luck to you all..I’ve learnt in the last yourself, think positive and ask for help when you need. My friends have brilliant in all this and I’m starting to feel like in time I will get over this but the hurt is sometimes unbearable…

  • Pearl

    August 30th, 2015 at 6:08 PM

    It took me 27 years to realize I had married a narcissist . I think if you Google about them you will also see so many similar traits in the comments (such as yours ) come to light. One of the things they do is to project their own miseries and insecurities off on you !! Don’t fall for it ! You will get all the blame and even find yourself thinking maybe it WAS your fault ! I read It goes back to their childhood when they were never held accountable for their actions and would lie and cover up rather than be chastised by their parents one of which was probably narcissistic too . They do not except criticism and will always turn it around on you – to the extent they will talk your friends and family in to believing how crazy YOU are and how he/ she could never make you happy. In the eyes of a narcissist they themselves are perfect ! Read what happens when a) they loose their job. b) they get sick c) you are unfortunate enough to owe them money ( or as they think, owe them a life ) what happens to a child or sibling of one as they grow older. The self centered traits of the narcissistic parent gets worse and they seem not to care if their mask is off in the end !
    As a couple, it’s a very TOXIC relationship , the best one can do is to GET OUT and have NO CONTACT. They feed off your emotions , reel you in with false promises then get off with pumped up ego when you crumble -thinking you couldn’t possibly live without their superior super human selves. They then make efforts to reel you in again ! Good luck if you think this fits him. What I can say is – once you read what others have to say your self esteem and self worth will rise and give you wings as you realize none of it is YOUR fault , they will never change and can only love themselves ! Just pity those who fall for his charm in believing in him it’s only a matter of time before they will find how false he is . He is destined to be a pathetic, lonely old man.

  • Amber S

    September 12th, 2015 at 8:45 PM

    Wow!!! This was like reading my exact situation of 3 years with a narrsastic man! It’s a horrible way to live, he leaves constantly when things don’t go his way, won’t marry me (although we were engaged 6 months into our relationship) won’t move in and keeps leaving me, sleeping with other woman then reeling me right back in with emotional BS! It’s all about him, not me or my children at all. I can’t trust anything that comes out of his mouth, such a loser!!!! He’s in his mid 40’s and literally has nothing, his mommy and daddy are still paying his way and completly enabling him to behave this way. I’m learning that even though I love him, I can’t help or change him and I deserve a man that really loves me and my kids. Hang in there, Remember it’s not you at all, it’s him!!!!

  • What2donowyyc

    November 2nd, 2015 at 12:47 PM

    Wow harsh, I could swear that was written for me sheesh

  • katerina

    September 23rd, 2015 at 3:48 PM

    I am so sorry you are going true this, I am feeling your pain.

    I am in very similar situation.
    It is so heart braking, that I can feel my heart hurt.My husband makes our marriage failure my fault. He talks to me like if I was his worst enemy.

    I wish I just could stop thinking about it.

  • Karina

    August 10th, 2015 at 8:29 PM

    It’s very painful it’s been only 2 months after we live together for over 4 years and we have a 2 years old. He left me and 3 weeks after he was already dating a girl. They are together now. I cry every night of the pain I feel. After all I did to keep our little family together he walked out on us.

  • Kath

    August 18th, 2015 at 1:26 AM

    Well I am the adulterous turned bunny boiler. Had a six month affair with my real estate agent next door. I fell deeply and it was the hardest six months of my life. Mt friends thought I was anorexic, and my mental health took a big decline. Despite this he kept seeing me but would say we have to keep it casual so u can cope. Knowing there was no future is what killed me. It ended as I couldn’t cope with casual and then I had to tell husband because I was so ill. Three months on, I am still totally in love with him. Had to move out of my house as his business is next door. He has three kids I have two. They all go to the same school and population is 800 so no escape. I am obsessed with telling his wife. Maybe I hope she leaves him or if I can’t have him I think I want his social life ruined.

  • Kell

    August 19th, 2015 at 9:59 PM

    my wife of 25 years had a facebook affair with a strange man from the UK she had this affair online for eight months.and they met only 10 month after his wife died. 10 weeks ago she abandon the whole entire family and moved from Texas to London England to be with him. the first time they ever met face to face was at the at first sight in her words.the way I found out, I was on my way to work and got a text message. it said she was on her way to England and she was never coming back to United States and that she wanted a divorce.just totally out of the blue, everything was normal all the way up to the day she left.she kept everything a secret and well hidden.I was totally devastated by this. it was so bad I lost 50 pounds in 8 weeks.I couldn’t work,lost all interest and no motivation I couldn’t function .the grief and depression was so overwhelming I had to be hospitalized.I’m currently getting therapy, and counseling for my grief and depression.but it still does not answer the question, why? I have no answers.she won’t tell me why she left.the only thing she will say is file for divorce. she wants to become a UK citizen, to do that she has to marry this man. one big reason for her change,A year ago she quit taking antidepressant meds cold turkey and went through menopause at the same time, and it made her change not just mentally, but physically she totally changed her appearance. And got into dark goth vampire stuff.she told me it was all just a joke. it was no joke. now this 55 year old woman, has pierced her nose, lip, all up and down both ears, and has gotten three is very strange behavior, for a woman who went to church. she just left everything behind, to be happy somewhere else. I still can’t understand why, all this is happening. I just can’t wrap my brain around it. I thought we had a happy life but apparently I did not have a happy wife.she never told me anything, never discussed it or mentioned it. she just kept it in and kept it a secret.he was sending her money, and they were making plans for a long time her to leave and moved to they’re engaged to be married and are making wedding plans.and also looking into a goth wedding, with a blood red dress and even have a guest invitation list.all this and she is still married to me.the divorce is pending, because of abandonment and being international,it could take years to finalize.I am at a loss for answers, I have no closer.I guess I will never get closer.this is clearly the worst thing that is ever happened to me. and I don’t know what to do.

  • Ren

    August 28th, 2015 at 6:57 PM

    I’m so sorry to read this (and other) stories. Breaks my heart and puts my own unfortunate situation in perspective.
    I’m glad you’re getting counselling as I think this has hurt you deeply and will need mending from your core. It seems to me that what your wife has done is about her, not you. Please take heart in that.

  • Ron

    August 29th, 2015 at 10:04 AM

    My girlfriend of almost 9 years didn’t just have an affair she had and is still in a relationship with a married supervisor from her work instead of telling me that she found someone new or telling his wife and ruining his marriage he convinced her to call the police on me have me arrested for breaking and entering the house through an unlocked backdoor.i didn’t find out about this relationship until after I was released from city cells with the conditions of my release being no contact at all with her and I can’t go 200 meters near the house I had two visits with my three kids where on the second visit the children told me this man was coming to the house and was there after they went to bed the next day after that visit low and behold I was arrested for child assault(a complete lie of course)and now I can’t see or talk to my kids either my lawyer says trial will be into the New Year for sure if I plead not when you think you got it bad just remember my life.

  • Josh L

    September 2nd, 2015 at 6:36 PM

    Hi I have been with my wife for 7 years we dated for 4 years and have been married for 3. We have had plenty of problems since we had kids together but we were both Farley young when this happened so that could be the problem. She has left me 10 to 15 times since we have been together but each time it still hurts the same. She walked out about a week ago and she always leaves and never tells me what I have done wrong and she never tried to work through things. I have always loved her and I feel like I always will. I just don’t want to give up because I feel like she is my other half I feel like she is the only one for me.. I just don’t know if I should let her go and TRY to move on or keep fighting for her. I just want her back..

  • susan c

    September 20th, 2015 at 2:54 PM

    My husband left me about 19 years ago we were best friends for some years but when we got married he walked out on me I had broken my leg and was using cruches to get around he left me when I needed him the most I dont know why he left me he never tried to find me to explain hisself or why he did what he did nothing bad happened between us I cant seem to get pass this I think about what he did to me everyday and nite for the past 19 years I have been emotionaly upset over this and dont know what to do i just want answers.

  • Paul

    October 6th, 2015 at 12:16 AM

    Hi Susan, I feel for you. I was abandoned by my wife of 10 years this last April after I discovered her sexual affairs with several men. It is the most painful thing ive ever experienced. Its almost been six months and it feels like yesterday. I lost my two step daughters, house, friends and family as well. It is a very bizarre and humbling feeling. I am still learning the scope of the damage that was done to me. Everyone says it gets better but I can see myself 19 years from now crying and asking why as well. Unfortunately for people like us, the answers we seek will never come.

  • CassieD

    November 4th, 2015 at 5:21 AM

    I think you’re right. I say the same thing. It’s been six months and I don’t feel like at any more peace and someways irs worse than before. Fact is- the reality might be harsher now. My therapist said I may never get an answer and for my black-and-white brain is a little difficult. I’m more of a scientific type, and having no answer as to how you can just pick up and walk away from everything you’ve created is beyond me. So you’re probably right, 19 years from -now 21 for me, we probably will never know. It’s mind blowing. I just wish I had a reason. Girlfriend, wife, gay, witness protection program, priesthood, something. Tell me something. That we can t communicate, you weren’t there for me, we never had it right, every excuse in the book isn’t flying with me. Not when I didn’t know was coming, and the whole world was shocked to hear that the one couple who “had it together “is now falling apart…

  • Miscros

    October 29th, 2015 at 6:28 PM

    My niece has cancer and dying. Her husband left her too because he has another woman. So sad ..

  • CassieD

    November 4th, 2015 at 5:25 AM

    Hi Susan how is your leg? How are you doing? I understand. My husband did the same thing to me. Left with no reason. 21 years of marriage, two kids been together since we were 22 and 21. Unbelievable. I hope you’re doing OK. Did you ever get a reason? How is it going with the communication now

  • BeenThereDoneThat

    June 20th, 2018 at 12:59 PM

    I’m going to make what might seem a peculiar suggestion, for the sake of those who cannot get over something like this. I will relate it to what I experienced; maybe it will help someone else. I’ve never heard or read this suggested, but according to my own experience and analysis of it, I think it may have merit. I was unable to get over a relationship I’d had, for THIRTY years! For THIRTY years, I pined horribly over this bull****. Then I suffered a spinal injury, that left me crippled with pain for seven years, five of them entirely bed-confined. (my #6 lumbar vertebra was staved in – – caused, by the way, by a beating by another sweet s**) Finally, this reached a crisis, as I was actually dying from the pain (didn’t know that could happen, until it happened to me). My organs were beginning to shut down, and I wound up at the hospital. Technically, there was no reason that I should have still been in such pain – – yet I was. As I realized in conversation with the neurologist I saw, often, when you are in protracted pain for a long time, your neurological system goes on “automatic”; it’s as if there’s a signal for pain that gets “stuck” on ‘ON!’. You actually grow new neurological pathways for pain. I was treated with an initial dose of flexoril and valium – – and ***NEURONTIN*** (Gabapentin). I was told that the neurontin was developed for treatment of *epilepsy* – – but that in certain cases, it worked on excruciating pain. From the very first dose, I felt the pain step down – – and every day afterward, it became less, until, in a short time, it was gone. I was so fearful of it returning that I wound up taking the gabapentin for seven months before daring to discontinue it. In thinking about it, I realized that my pain was like a SEIZURE of sorts – – a *continuous* seizure (the neurologist agreed with my assessment); a signal to my brain that wouldn’t turn off. And that this medication for *seizures* was effective *because* of the way my neurological system and brain was processing the lengthy aftermath of that injury. (The intensive way and extreme degree to which I process information is probably associated with this). But, the remarkable thing that I want to share, pertinent to this discussion, and the particular issue of people who just *won’t/can’t* get over a particularly traumatic breakup/abandonment is this: AS A BY-PRODUCT OF THE SUCCESS OF THE NEURONTIN ON MY PHYSICAL PAIN, THE OTHER THING THAT AMAZINGLY DISAPPEARED, WAS THE PAIN AND OBSESSION OF THAT THIRTY-YEAR TORCH I WAS CARRYING. Apparently, like the physical pain, and the way I processed that, the emotional pain and mental obsession I suffered, was on ‘automatic’; it was a LEARNED response that had obviously been running, on ‘perpetual pain’, not unlike continuous *seizure* activity. The neurontin shut it off. After thirty years – – it was very abruptly gone: torch extinguished. So – – even though this is anecdotal evidence at best, if you are suffering for so long over something traumatic that has created a lifetime of grief for you, I would suggest that you speak to a doctor about trying treatment with neurontin for a while, and seeing how you feel. Nothing to lose, and the possibility of everything to gain, in losing that pain. My very best wishes to you all. God bless you.

  • stacey

    September 20th, 2015 at 8:16 PM

    I have been with my husband for 14 years.13 of them married. I love him and i have tried to do a lot to make him happy. We lived in Florida for 12 years and he missed his family, parents, brothers, etc. I wanted to make him happy so, i said i would move to where his family lived so, we would have family and we were supposed to have a better life. He lied to me or left out the fact that a job that he has worked at for 24 years and that he promised he would transfer with, was unable to transfer him. Then, i had to find a new job to support our family, while he hung out and looked online everyday for 3 months. He would pick on me for everything in front of the kids. Then,Christmas came around, and he started acting like the kids do not need anything, so, it’s time they learned disappointment. So, i had to ask my family for money. He gives away our clothes and the kids toys while i am at work, saying that we have to much. But, when we moved we had to give away everything we owned or sell what we could. So, we did not have that much left. He acts like he hates me and he told me at Christmas that he is sick of me and he doesn’t care if i stay or left but,i can leave the kids. He apologized but, i know that he meant it. Now, he took us yesterday to a amusement park and it started off fun, but, we had a discussion saying that he would take the kids to the waterpark area and i asked how long would they be there? Because i was not dressed for it and i am not comfortable with my body. He said it shouldn’t be more than 2 hours. So, i left and walked around, when, i came back, they were not there. He left his phone in the locker and i walked around for another hour looking for them. I looked everywhere and i sat outside of the area for a long time. I finally waited by the locker and he finally came to the locker 4 hours. I was upset and he kept making fun of me and saying that he just follows the kids and that he is not waiting until the princess is happy. I said that i am going to the car and he followed me and said if you leave i am calling an attorney on Monday and i am so sick and tired of you. I cannot take you anymore. I said that is fine, i am done with always fighting with you. If you want a divorce it’s fine. I don’t know what to do. I want to move back to Florida and i just don’t think it’s worth us fighting to save the marriage anymore. Any advice? He said that he all of a sudden doesn’t remember asking for a divorce. Because he was drinking. But, it seems like that is when he is most truthful and that he is just waiting for our 13 year to grow up so that he can feel better about divorcing me.

  • Johnny

    October 11th, 2015 at 4:29 AM

    My wife and I have been together as lovers for 13 years. Very young we started off mid teens. Weve only been married for the last 19 months. She told me she is falling for another man. Admittedly, infidelity has been a factor over th years with at least 3 incidents in th past with 1 most recent being 6 months into our marriage. She had forgiven me on every occasion but this recent one, really hit her. Since that day my wife has changed. Different goals, interests and even more suprising is her personality and character. I dont know my wife anymore. That aside Ive been really good to her and treating her as if I just met her but that has not resonated with her. Instead she has communicated with anothr man things hav developed. She txts him daily and it dosent bother her that Im right there. She speaks highly of him and is really attracted to him. My issue is that once she wants to leave (imminent), he dosent reciprocate and then she comes back what do I do? I love my wife so badly that shes been my ‘go to’ person for anything in my life. I will have to let go and I cant see her changing given my history.

  • Amanda

    October 30th, 2015 at 10:38 AM

    My bf of 4 years we lived together pretty much the whole time with my now 6 yr old son 2 when he met him. He works out of town so at the moment 2 weeks on 1 week home it was his first time to that site and it was coming to the end of the 2 weeks one day he was telling me couldn’t wait to come home and see me he missed me so much couldn’t live without me, very next day found out he was leaving me for another girl that he works with and was just cold cold cold…. he gave all these other reasons but they were just excuses for the facts.. thus was about a month ago now. He made me quit my job because he said it didn’t leave us with enough time to spend together and we bought a new car made me get rid of mine. So basically now I am with my 6 yr old no way of supporting anything he says he will help me a bit for a month. This is also the second time he has done this the last time wasn’t quite as brutal I don’t think he was still super cold and mean to me but there was a rocky relationship leading into it so it wasn’t overly surprising it lasted abiut a month and half before he came crawling back. this time it was litteraly out of nowhere nobody seen it coming and on his days off which were just this week he flew to where she lives in calgary (we live in BC) to spend days off with her. we were so in love and always affectionate when he was home.I am just also so devestated for my son he said he isn’t gonna see him anymore he doesn’t wanna drag it out but my he always loved my son so much and my son doesn’t even remember life without him so he is very sad. I know it sounds stupid but I am still so in love with him and so upset I’m still hoping he will come back this time. Any opinions? do you think this relationship will last? he is getting laid off in I think 2 weeks and will be working back in bc and she will still be out there in a camp?

  • What2donowyyc

    November 2nd, 2015 at 2:02 PM

    I was together with my wife for 19.5 years. We started dating young and it was really a fairytale relationship. She was my everything, my whole reason for being. We had 2 amazing little girls but right after the second one her first Xmas, 10 days before my wife says she’s going to get Advil and doesn’t come home. I was up all night waiting for her and when she got home at 8 am, it really hit the fan. One thing we never were was abusive to each other but this morning in particular she punched me in the face out of anger. I threatened to call the police but never did out of fear of having anything to do with that kind of stuff and the kids. So I crumpled and grabbed a couple bags of clothes and left like she demanded. After about a week of begging to see my kids she finally agreed. My oldest (6 at the time) came downstairs crying and gagging, I continually asked what was wrong and as she caught her breath she explained mommy was kissing another man and he was sleeping in my bed. I tried so hard to choke it all back as I rushed out of there. I had them for that one night and she demanded they be returned and I did just that. Everything that was me was up in that condo in the almost 20 year relationship we fought hard to create.
    I couldn’t stop trying to get through to her and kept begging her to stop. She then started refusing to answer my calls, refusing to let the kids call me either. She wouldn’t let me see them anymore and everything got so much worse. A few weeks have now passed and Xmas has come and gone and no kids for me, nothing. Worst day of my life just praying she would come to her senses and save our family. A couple days after New Years she finally agrees to let me come grab a garbage bag of clothes…. For 20 years of birthdays and Christmas’s And everything we built I got a garbage bag of clothes. I went to my room to get some clothes and on the bed was his stained boxers next to her stained panties. To this day I am sure she placed them there knowing I was coming. I went to the closet to get my stuff and she had already thrown all my clothes in a pile by the closet door, when she folded and placed his stuff in my drawers and closet. There was shattered glass all over the floor in the closet and the home was in utter chaos, and our newborn and 6 year old watching it all in as much disbelief as me.
    She had agreed that I could have the kids both Friday and Saturday night and bring them back in Sunday as I’m sure it suited her quite well and by now I am desperate to see my kids. Friday comes and of course, she unplugs the house phone and turns off her cell and refuses to let me see my kids. By Saturday morning I am calling nonstop everyone, her parents etc. finally her mom gets ahold of her and she calls me and says I can pick up the girls now. She brings my youngest down in nothing but a soggy wet diaper in freezing winter and my oldest has nothing but shirt shoes and pants. I was just so stunned, this lady used to have an actual heart, now I don’t know what to make of it all I am so confused.
    I had them sat night and she wanted them back Sunday, I said no, I want them the 2 nights we agreed on and kept them the second night.
    I took them back Monday and that was that. She refused to let me see them at all and now had moved that guy and his kid into our home. They systematically destroyed this beautiful life we created and threw out everything I was again with my kids watching.
    I broke down and hit the ultimate low and the very next day she used it and stripped me of custody and I didn’t get to see my kids for 7 months. Darkest days of my life. I was paralyzed, I couldn’t stop thing about her about us about him about our kids about the hell they were living in.
    7 months later the oldest child wouldn’t give up on me and finally broke through to her mom that she needed me. The visits start again…
    A year goes by with random visits whenever she felt like having a full on break which was always on the weekends when she could go out and party. We were mature, grown ups… We did that stuff and left that life long ago??
    A year and a half has passed and she calls me one day, “we broke up and I need your help with the kids”.
    Still can’t believe after a year and a half of unimaginable pain and recovery, I went back to help.
    She baits me along telling me she was weak and it was a mistake and it was my fault for leaving her a mess… Wait, you kicked me out.
    No matter I am around my kids but his stuff is all over “her place”. Brutal to walk in and every turn have that in your face, and it wasn’t perfect but I came back everyday after work. Cleaned up cooked her and the kids dinner and then put them to bed. We would sit up and chat for a couple hours and then I would head home, do it all over again the next day.
    Now comes weekend #1, now I have been there every single day after work and done all the work so she could relax and she looks at me and says you’re taking the girls for the weekend right? I need me time. I’m so confused I thought that’s why I was there everyday. But nope we ship off to my place and to my horror she won’t answer the phones all weekend which really catches me off guard, I thought we were doing something here. Next Monday comes and she again asks me to be there every night after work to do all the work and begins to belittle me when I start to question what’s going on, she would often tell me I didn’t care about the children if I didn’t want to be there but by now it’s getting hard, real hard. I’m not a dumb guy, I swear it. But wow now three months of this has gone by and it only gets worse. Our child’s third birthday shows up and it’s on a Saturday and filled with empty promises of a nice day with the kids. She refuses to answer her phones and when I do get her mom to go there, she refuses to see our child even when I dropped off at her moms which is super close. 50 steps to see your kid and she couldn’t be bothered, now I really lose faith. She asks for more and more me days and now I have the kids every single weekend. Whatever, fine by me I’ll gladly give up weekends for my kids. I now tell her I won’t come over anymore and space away for her when she wont even consider spending even an hour of “her time” with us. She gets outraged and calls me every name in the book and that’s that. She won’t answer my calls or anything again.
    I haven’t slept in 3 days and eating is very minimal. I know I need to shake out of this and after the first go round it probably shouldn’t hurt this much.. Only it does.
    I don’t want to give her the satisfaction knowing she was able to completely shatter my heart again and I feel pretty friggin dumb having believed she actually wanted to save our family, our dream.
    I get my kids every weekend and the time always flies by. It’s these weekdays. I rush home to sit in bed and wonder what happened. It’s been almost 2 years and for the last 3 days I’m an emotional wreck, this shouldn’t hurt this much this far along. How can I be so blind. What the heck am I supposed to do now. I feel so antisocial and can barely muster the will to concentrate on a movie. It’s all I can think about and it’s eating away at me. I don’t even know where to start now

  • The Team

    November 2nd, 2015 at 4:23 PM

    Dear What2donowyyc, is not qualified to offer professional advice, but we would like to encourage you to reach out. If you would like to talk with a therapist or other mental health professional, you can use our website to find one in your area:

    Help is available, and we wish you the best of luck in your search.

    Kind regards,

    The Team

  • What2donowyyc

    November 3rd, 2015 at 7:22 PM

    Nah I’m good thanks, I can and will survive this, besides I had a few hours sleep last night.
    Just feel like venting a bit. It kinda helps.
    So I told her last week this crap isn’t right and if she wants to be single every weekend than I cant be there at all and we will be zero contact at all. She never calls, answers and doesn’t text back at all. I dropped the kids off with her mom on Sunday who had made that arrangement so to avoid me. I had to call her mom today and asked her if she could grab my work shirts and “she” finally calls annoyed I got her mom involved and tells me to just come over after work. I get there and she pretends like nothing’s wrong. I’m so pissed now she plays it off again like it’s all me and the kids beg me to stay (someone’s gotta give them attention.. That’s to far below her 2hr bath time every night.
    I just don’t get it.. Why the games? Why pretend you want to save our family?
    Why put everybody through all this again if you can’t be bothered to truly try and put in effort.
    SHOW ME YOU STILL LOVE ME. Beg me to take you back and act like you’re sorry for all that hurt, all that damage and that you would never ever again and know that will probably take another 20 years to truly believe you.
    There is no weekends off. We are either a family all the time or we won’t be at all.
    I told her no more. Put my foot down and told her if she ditches us again that weekend I would be done.
    I am starting to realize no matter how many of her fav mag’s I buy her or if I bring her flowers or chocolate cupcakes for treats constantly, she will barely even notice let alone understand how hard it is for me to choke it back and make that kind of effort again. Yet she is cold. Emotionless and distant. Always preoccupied doing something other than anything that would require real effort. Like said I get it, HIS fav team stuff all over drinking glasses and mugs. I’m sure you guys had a blast but it took you 2 weeks to completely erase and destroy the beautiful thing we had. Now after he left you what 5 months ago you still have his stuff everywhere and clothes and golf clubs.
    Refuses to consider the possibility that if she actually wanted this back she would have to at least remove 100% every single reminder to me, just like she did for him when she moved him into my bed so quick I’m sure he still smelt my farts lol.
    But really, act like your all shocked and surprised? You knew I would beg at your feet. You knew I would do anything for those kids and yet you continue to prove our family will never be worth your time and effort or attention.
    It hurts to have been so stupid to believe she ever wanted it back at all, probably just guilt for what she did. It’s worth absolutely zero to her. She will not put in any effort whatsoever and couldn’t imagine being the same family we pretended to be all week on the weekend. No way! That’s her “me” time and it’s insulting I dare ask that.

    I just can’t believe it’s the same person. So cold, so heartless and has absolutely zero consideration for me.
    Constantly points out my flaws and still shows no remorse at all for the horrific things she has done to our family.
    I must stay strong this time and never speak to her again. We can use our parents for communication or others but absolutely zero contact from now on is the only way to make the hurt stop. I have to have faith.
    Really sucks actually knowing it was never a mistake or anything like that. It was a change. From the most loving caring individual I have ever known to this cold hateful selfish person I could have ever imagined. She still has the full to snub her nose to cheaters on tv etc but I can’t help feel like she took what we had and made it into the worst jerry Springer show imaginable and she’s not even sorry she did it. She strings me along soo damn well… She KNOWS I would give ANYTHING for my wife back, my absolute best friend in the entire world, my everything…. Only that is no longer who she is. An arm lengths away at all times when in the same room which is about 5-10% of the time, the rest she spends in her bathroom doing lord knows what.
    She’s not even close to the same sweet beautiful kind hearted soul I once knew.
    She refuses to put in any real effort with the kids too, guess that comes as no surprise as you really have to be that way to have done THAT to them. She will never understand just how much hurt she had made so many people feel so she could be selfish and live like a teenager ignoring the fact she has kids watching.

    I must be strong. I will keep this no contact for as long as humanly possible.

  • CassieD

    November 4th, 2015 at 5:10 AM

    Wow. That’s quite a story. She sounds like she’s crazy now. It is amazing how they completely changed. My husband made cupcakes for my daughter and every home game for two seasons for four years of high school. He was the greatest dad, he still sees the kids but maybe once a week. Never was there a conversation of custody or living nearby to split parenting. Although my son is older, he still has two years of high school left. I don’t know how you move 25 miles away from your son, my daughter left for college this year. We went from 4 to 2 overnight in the household. He acts like nothing is wrong, asks me to go hang with them etc. emails me …talks to me like “these things happen”. he’s not taking any ownership for his decision.I don’t think he’ll ever realize what kind of devastation caused our family. I don’t know how you rip it apart and then walk away like nothings wrong. He simply needs to’ find his happiness’, he just wants to be happy. I don’t know how you’re not happy when I’ve given you everything in the world I don’t think you’ll ever realize what kind of devastation caused our family. I don’t know how you rip it apart and then walk away like nothings wrong. He simply needs to find his happiness, he just wants to be happy. I don’t know how you’re not happy when I’ve given you everything you asked for. In his mind he asked for emotions and he asked for love and he didn’t get it for me. I’m not sure where that fell short, like I said maybe it’s because I didn’t fluff his feathers every minute, telling him how wonderful he was every minute of every day. I don’t know. Most men would be happy to have a wife who takes excellent care of their kids, worked many jobs, owns a business, masters degree, and cooks and cleans. And not a psychopath. LOL. I’ve never had any depression or anxiety OCD or any mental illness . I feel bad for those who do, because I don’t even understand it. I feel blessed every day just to have what I have, even in this situation …at least I have two beautiful kids. My mom is sick. That’s really hard. I just served him with divorce papers yesterday. But I am distracted by my mothers illness.

    I can’t believe the hell you’re going through. It will get better. Don’t let her make you crazy. You’re an excellent father and she should be happy to have you. And if she can’t see that it’s her loss. Respond to me let me know how you’re doing :)

  • what2donowyyc

    November 8th, 2015 at 12:54 PM

    Hi CassieD,

    Wow that sounds horrible, can’t believe after all those years it’s almost like they could erase everything you thought they were fighting for… for nothing. No real reason, rhyme.. if only it made sense. And what they are now compared to who they were before.
    I am sincerely sorry to have read and felt your confusing, pain and patience in your situation. You seem quite smart and extremely able to do this. Really sounds like he is the one that will be missing out, just find yourself again.
    I just gotta keep plugging along knowing deep down so much has gone wrong and continues and I just cant believe I brought children into this world with this person. I genuinely believe she has and will continue to put the children in even remote danger by having what I would consider strangers move into their place. You have known him for a week and you invite him into my bed with our children and you get suspiciously ” soo tired ” your eyes are rolling to the back of your head??? Common… I tried police, child services, court… all backfired in my face and I lost them all together for 7 months… I WILL NOT get anything like that involved again as I have absolutely no faith in it.
    I am ashamed to have to say it but I can only accept what is and continue to try to be the best father I can for them each and every weekend when I get them. I have no control over their daily lives with her… I can only be thankful her parents are so actively involved in her life which she has thus far been able to suck the life out of them to the point I don’t think they will last much longer…. I can only shiver is sheer horror at what might become should something happen to her parents and they cannot help… her mom picks up 1 child and drops off both normally (to/from school). She doesn’t cook (not in 20 years I have known her, not a joke either), does not clean (although has started making some effort in this area) but is simply heartless to them. Who locks their 3 year old out in the place with your bedroom door locked and not answering the child cry until the next morning when your mother shows up with your older child because you cant watch her overnight anymore and really don’t watch the other one.

    Tried a lawyer, she sank me for thousands without ever doing a thing and I just wont take that road again.
    I have had to completely restart from scratch without anything and I think I would have to suffer this a thousand times again rather than live like that ever again.
    I am pretty sure both girls will elect to come live with me soon. They often beg not to go back and cry that they want to stay with me just one more night. The older one continues to feed me hurtful stories such as the lock out incident recently and although it gets to me and the ex continues to tell people her daughters just a liar, I have seen enough to know not everything that little girl says is a lie.
    I just have to take the bruise to the heart hearing it and suck it up, that’s what its been left to.

    Trust me, if I can do it, so can you.

    Keep me posted on how things are going for you. I will follow this for now.
    Hope you’re finding a healthy way to pass the time and keep it great for you. The kid’s will see you live life happier and fuller than ever before and they will follow suit. Let them go find their happiness now, it sounds like it’s time or rather soon.
    Best wishes!

  • CassieD

    November 12th, 2015 at 10:00 PM

    Hey there. I got your comment. I hope things are going a little better. Have you thought about maybe having the teacher of your oldest daughter call DYFS? I know you already got involved with child protect services but wonder if maybe if it comes from a teacher or the school system that might help you shine a light on what’s going on in their house.I know it’s heartbreaking to think that your kids are exposed to such horrible parenting. Too bad you couldn’t put a nanny cam in their house or have your oldest one record what goes on on the phone or something to prove to the police that the truth children are being mismanaged. How are things going now?

  • Kelly

    November 12th, 2015 at 3:24 PM

    I found this searching for some advice. My husband of 10yrs left me, said he didn’t live me anymore. I did what every online blog said not to do. I begged, texted, emailed….all in the hopes he’d realize the mistake me made and come back. But he didn’t come back. And I can’t get past feeling devastated, crying when I’m alone after work until I go to bed. Hardly functioning, feeling helpless. Everything says I will be ok. They don’t say how to handle the part before I’m ok cause I’m not ok. And, I do have a shrink for a totally different personal issue, but she just had a baby. So I’m on my own, hence the online searching for advice. I don’t have anyone to talk to. I don’t have friends that I can confide in, I don’t have family to talk to. I only had him. I loved my husband, I was happy. I don’t want to hear ‘oh he’s a jerk for leaving or he probably found someone else.’ I’m sad, I want him back more than anything else in my life, so right now I can’t think past hoping my phone rings, that he emails me, comes back to me…..cause truth is, he probably isn’t and I don’t want to deal and don’t know how to deal with that.

  • The Team

    November 12th, 2015 at 4:46 PM

    Dear Kelly,

    We saw your comment and are sorry to hear you are experiencing this difficulty. It can be rough to feel as if you are on your own. Please know that you are always free to consult with a different therapist if you feel that your current therapist is unable to meet your needs. You can use our website to search for another therapist in your area by entering your ZIP code here:

    You might also consider discussing any concerns you might have with your therapist with that therapist directly. This may help resolve the issue.

    Please know that help is available, and we wish you the best of luck in your search.

    Kind regards,
    The Team

  • What2donowyyc

    November 12th, 2015 at 6:27 PM

    Hi Kelly,

    I know it may seem a bit weird but I stumbled upon this site just the same way. Really just venting now and it does help.
    I am truly sorry to hear of your pain, I know how hard it is.
    It does get easier, I promise. Just be true to yourself.
    I will follow this for now.
    Days are much better here this time around wasn’t nearly as hard. It isn’t the first and foremost thing on my mind all day all night, every day every night!
    Best wishes to you, hope you find a healthy way to consume your time and helps you start the process!

  • Kelly

    November 13th, 2015 at 2:54 AM

    Thank u for replying. I guess I’m just going to have to accept that he’s not coming back. It’s hard to think that way. Maybe once I can accept that then I’ll start to move on, at least from crying and feeling like I can’t and don’t want to even get out of bed. And the holidays are almost here, I know I’m not going to feel better by then, so that has me down also since I’ll be all alone for the first time through that. I always made a big deal out of xmas for each other, the tree, silly stuff.

    Anyway, I know it takes time. I just wish I could hit fast forward.

  • CassieD

    November 13th, 2015 at 11:09 AM

    I totally know what you mean. I am dealing with being invited to his brothers for thanksgiving. He sent the email – are u serious?? You think I wanna sit and have thanksgiving dinner with you?
    My betrayer ? Ok, judas. Cheers.
    It would be easy. Be we can do it.
    What part of the country are you in?

  • Kelly

    November 13th, 2015 at 1:55 PM

    CassieD I’m in Pennsylvania. Where r u? I saw people that appear to be in other countries on here. I’m going to my parents for thanksgiving, but have a rocky relationship with them as it is, so this should be fun. Insert sarcasm lol. I told myself I was going to focus on my health, going to workout again & eat right. I stopped for a quart of ice cream on my way home from work today, ugh. Maybe tomorrow I will feel better, that’s what I keep thinking & one of these times I will.

  • CassieD

    November 13th, 2015 at 9:41 PM

    You need ice cream once in awhile!
    I ate a chocolate mousse cake not that long ago! I stuck a fork in it, took a picture and called it therapy….!
    Good luck with Thanksgiving – maybe they will be nicer to you this year since you’re going through this nightmare.
    You have kids? I don’t temember- FYI I’m in NJ. Definitely start working out. You need to look great now. I lost 15 lbs.

  • John

    November 29th, 2015 at 4:08 PM

    You have described your situation and it is exactly as I feel. Sleep induced by mess (legal) and a fetal position. My wife left 11/15/15.
    I caught her having phone sex with a boyfriend from 40 years ago. Really she is 60. Seems he mailed her interior vibrators to enhance their sessions. When I approached her she didn’t deny it. I asked her to leave after smashing a coffee cup and a lamp. Yes I was pissed beyond belief. The whole that used to be my heart was devastated. She went to her mothers. Two days later I went and begged for another chance.she said yes and we spent what I thought was a day filled with renewed spirit, touching holding talking. I was,filled with hope. The next day she betrayed me again and left to this other mans bed. While our sons are adults we were a close family. She has lied to them and been found out. We cannot figure her out this is so unlike her. The only thing I can figure is tha she is very broken. My parents passed last year, her mother has been on her death bed and abusive to my wife as she takes care of her. This other guys life probably seems fresh and new, problem free, sexually attentive and like a vacation from her life. I have no ideas that will provide you comfort. I have spent hours on my knees crying out to God and he has been merciful. The taint of desperation lingers at my heals and I fight to be encouraging to two son who have lied to and thrown away as I have like trash. My prayers are for you but know that the pain will subside with time. Tha t is my hope and prayer

  • CassieD

    November 30th, 2015 at 7:06 AM

    Hi John, dear lord. She really screwed you. I feel horrible for all of us. It does feel a little less horrible to know that we’re not all alone. I was left in April, with two teenagers for a man who claims he wasn’t happy for 10 years. I just didn’t know about it. My divorce is in two weeks. I’m still not sure how he just left us like that. I’m sure his new single bachelor life is more appealing then doing household work chores, and Being a husband and a dad every day. Being a husband and a dad every day. Not just on the weekends. … Or when it is convenient. It totally sucks .glad to hear you’re hanging in there, we have no choice.

  • Natalie

    January 7th, 2016 at 8:19 PM

    Hi Cassie
    I love all your comments. I’m going through the same although my kids are 9 And 11 years old he told me 2 days after Xmas I’m not happy here anymore. I thought to myself what the f–k? I’ve been taking care of household/ kids/ working part time and he’s never even picked up kids once after school even if I was sick! Totally self centered . Because he worked full time he told me that from Monday to Friday he was ” unavailable ” and so I was alone doing it all . He would never compromise nit even come home 1 time a week to have supper as a family he’s a workaholic Now he’s not happy because I’vehad anger issues so I went to get help since I too realizes I have to work on myself and I kids see it.however apparently I didn’t change “enough”. I think its midlife crisis. theycome to realize is this it! Yup it’s called life. It’s not a soap opera where the wife has to feed a mans ego and blow him every night.. Anyways thanks for your comment I’m angry;-/ but I need to be a good role model snd keep it together

  • CassieD

    November 12th, 2015 at 10:16 PM

    Hi Kelly, I know what it feels like to go through that. I am going through it myself. I has been left with no rhyme or reason you can read my earlier blog. I sometimes look at the cards in love notes you left me and feel horrible, guilty, abandoned, so devastated and angry all at the same time. It’s a roller coaster ride. Part of me wants him to come Home and tell me you made a big mistake. Part of me wants to just move on and forget that any of this ever happened. And part of me wants to move on and find somebody who truly appreciates and loves me for who I am. It’s so bizarre to go from being very loving and leaving cards and messages and notes about how honored he is to be my partner , to ..we never had it right and I’m unhappy and I’ve been unhappy for 10 years or …our whole life.
    So it is tough to swallow. Best advice is to not waste your time trying to figure him out or wait from the call because it is true that life is passing you bye while you’re waiting for him to prove that he respects you. And it may never happen. So until that happens, don’t waste minutes precious minutes and time thinking about what he did to you or how you wanted to change. It’s out of your control. Let God have it. Just worry about yourself. I know how difficult it is and I know how sad it is because I am here too but I am six months out, and the realization that I c could be better off starting to hit me. If he was the man for me he wouldn’t of left me. If you loved me he wouldn’t of left me. He’s a selfish man who was only thinking about himself and is in crisis. I don’t want to be with someone of that description. So as painful as it is for you think about that.

  • Kelly

    November 13th, 2015 at 9:54 AM

    Thanks CassieD. I guess I’m in the shock phase right now. I think that’s why I’m just waiting for him to call or come back, like he will realize he made a mistake. But the reality is, I don’t want to move to the next phase of what do I do if he doesn’t. We did everything together, literally. I have no clue what to do with my time now. I know I need to focus on myself, but easier said than done when I just want to cry & sleep. I know I’d feel better getting my stuff together lol. It feels better to chat about it, too know others are going through the same thing & it does suck.

  • Nathan

    November 14th, 2015 at 3:09 PM

    I could not agree with you more.
    I feel exactly the same as you
    My wife left me 5 days ago and I do not know what to do with myself
    I want to believe that it is all a nightmare and that she will wake me up any moment and forgive my past
    She was my world and the greatest mother our children could ever ask for.
    My own inability to be nice cost me my life
    Now all I want is bed and tears

  • CassieD

    November 14th, 2015 at 9:44 PM

    What did you “do” to cause her to leave?
    It’s an interesting perspective because I don’t feel like I “did” anything, but if you asked my husband he would say that my lack of emotion towards him and response when he says “he tried” to reach out to me, time and time again, is the reason that he left. His perspective is that he tried to be emotionally connected over and over only to be disappointed by my lack of response to his reaching out. It’s just interesting that two years went by and he never once mentioned anything about being unhappy since the former conversation but felt justified to leave because he had a conversation two years prior to him leaving. I do recall a few conversations over a ten-year period of him claiming that he needed “more” from me, more connection or communication. I’m not sure what exactly he was looking for, perhaps just being very emotionally transparent on an every day basis? I’m not sure, I was available to him for conversation,I very rarely went out because I work multiple jobs simultaneously, take care of the kids and the house. My two closest friends both claim that if he said “jump” I would ask ‘how high’ so I think I was attentive especially when he asked me for special items for dinner or what not I always make sure he had his request fufilled. So it’s interesting that he would say that wasnt good enough for me, that I wasn’t there for him all he wanted was for someone to love him and listen to him. Yet I feel like he checked out and all I did was serve him, and his needs, but felt like he wasn’t there for me. But I never would’ve left. We had our time coming …our kids are bigger so we only had a couple months ago before they were at the house. Then it was time for us.

  • Kelly

    November 15th, 2015 at 7:52 AM

    Nathan, that’s terrible she left you & your kids. It’s hard to keep it together plus take care of kids. Do you talk to her parents? I’m sure they wouldn’t like knowing she abandoned her kids. As far as how your feeling, it’s the worst. It’s hard to give up thinking they will come back. And that makes it hard to think about anything else. I don’t know what makes it better. Everyone says time. And that sucks. I just wanted a quick fix or at least something that made it definite, an answer, to know there was someone else….I wish I had something else to tell you. But there isn’t anything other than try to focus on your kids. They lost a mom too it sounds. They will keep you occupied to not think about how bad you feel, at least some of the time.

  • Nathan

    November 15th, 2015 at 4:22 PM

    No no no!
    I’m sorry you misunderstood
    By left me I mean that she asked me to leave.
    She would never abandon her children
    Never ever ever
    I am sorry I implied anything else regarding that.
    In terms of what I ‘did’, I was blind and did not see the signs. Time and time again I would say things that she would take hurtful or mean. And although I honestly did not ever intend to hurt her, I can see where she would be hurt.
    I am a naturally sarcastic person
    I don’t intend to be mean when I do so.
    It is actually just a natural part of my nature.
    I have struggled with anger issues for quite a large portion of my life.
    And although I have never been violent, I would become upset or angry over silly things and thus this is where the problem would arrive
    I am never able to maintain my anger for any length of time but never the less I am a poor former of words while angry so it is easy for me to see how I may have said something I didn’t truly mean
    I must also add that I am an incredibly honest person and I have never been afraid to tell people exactly what I think
    I understand it’s a problem, but I can not figure out a way to stop it
    I say things before I realize it and then it is just to late
    But over the course of 13 years it would wear on her to the point that a few months back she finally broke down and told me how much it would hurt her.
    As I said I honestly never intended this and I also didn’t realize she was hurt as she tends to respond emotionally to most things
    Big or small
    Now after we talked I was able to ask her to allow me time to change
    To make things better.
    I did everything I could and I was under the impression that things were improving as the passion from her appeared to return.
    I would often ‘check in’ emotionally to make sure things were getting better
    That she was ok with the progression of things
    I was consistently reassured that yes, things were improving and I was getting better with my anger.
    Then last weekend everything changed
    She told me she couldn’t do it anymore, and that she no longer loved me as a partner/husband.

  • Kelly

    November 16th, 2015 at 6:55 AM

    Hi Nathan. Yes I’m sorry I misunderstood. My husband had a very bad anger issue as well actually. So from experience, I know how emotionally tolling that is on your wife. She was afraid to tell u sooner prob cause she was afraid it would make u mad. But from her doing that, she emotionally checked out from the built up resentment I’m sure. You still have a chance to fix this. You could find a counselor online, most insurances cover it. It sounds life a lot of work, but it’s not. And it would show your wife you’re trying still. Or, reach out to her again. Tell her how much you want it to work & that you can change those things. You still see her when you see your children, so you can still try. If you want to. Do something nice fir her, like send flowers and say in the note ‘don’t give up in me yet.’ Something that may make her reconsider. It sounds like she just couldn’t take the build up emotionally anymore, but that can be fixable. Anyway, good luck & I wish you the best.

  • Cliff

    November 20th, 2015 at 5:49 PM

    First of all i feel sorry for you i know where your coming wife left me after 16 yrs. Its been a year and i havent moved on and i try so hard.ive had therapy. Didnt so lost .i juat dont know what to do anymore.its just about killed me ive not gotten any better. ..any ideas?

  • CassieD

    November 21st, 2015 at 6:10 AM

    Do you have kids?

  • CassieD

    November 21st, 2015 at 6:13 AM

    Hi Kelly, how are you doing these days? Just wondering how you are getting ready to visit your parents… And getting ready for Thanksgiving. Hope things are looking up for you

  • Jon

    November 22nd, 2015 at 1:00 PM

    My name is Jon,and a few weeks ago when my wife and i were celebrating our birthdays in Chicago,she told me that she was leaving me and moving to California to live with some guy she met on the internet.My wife sufers from Fibromyalgia,depression. she is on disability .She can’t work or do the things that she loved to do.
    The whole time that she was awake she was on her Kindle playing Trivia and conversing with men.
    I had no clue what was going on behind my back.
    My wife and I have been together every day for 28 years.Married for 24 this Jan 1st and we lived together for 4 years.
    we moved out with each other when she was 17 and I was 22.
    I will admit that i have said some hurtfull things to her a long time ago.And she so has she.We have a son and when he was 2 she left me for a couple of weeks,then we got back together.then 15 years later i read some of her private messages on Facebook that she was talking to some guy.
    I am not trying to portray myself as a prince but I have given this woman my everything,My heart my soul my compassion, my trust my loyalty,My everything.And she just shattered everything to pieces.She takes a lot of meds for her mental and Physical problems,and she is going through Menopause.
    She had no problems telling me that she was moving out to her nieces.
    I am hurt in the worst way.I want us to be together soo badly.I don’t know what to do.My pain is to much to handle.
    How can somewhon do that to a spouse that has done nothing other than give them all the love and compassion,loyalty,feelings,and commitment for life.
    I need some feed back on how to deal with this.Please help me.Give me some Ideas.
    I am in a deep and dark place.I am totally stressed out.I love her so much.
    I know that we can get through this.I am willing for now but Maybe, not for long.
    We have always gotten along great,In every way,always had fun together.The good times outnumber the bad.
    No marriage is take the good with bad.and we had alot of good.
    Looking for some advise,please.

    Thanks Jon

  • CassieD

    November 22nd, 2015 at 7:20 PM

    Hi Jon
    Wow, that sucks.feel terrible that you have to go through that especially when you’ve been so patient with all of her disabilities. Must be so difficult to know that you gave up all this time and energy and money to only be crapped on by someone’s narcissism. It will be awful and painful and confusing. But her decision is not deadly. It does not DEFINE you. You will be fine. You will probably find things thaT you might enjoy to do that you could not do before. Make a list of the things you didn’t like about her and your marriage. Think about the parts of Jon that could not be true to Jon because of her.
    Remember : you don’t want to be with someone that doesn’t want to be faithful and loyal to you. And she doesn’t. She chose some other dude. Her loss. She’s shortsided.
    Sooooo, put on your big boy pants and move the hell on.
    You’re not the one on Psych meds, you’ll be fine.

    – Cassie , a born and raised Jersey Girl

  • Teresa

    November 22nd, 2015 at 3:20 PM

    My husband left me on 10-14-15, after 2years of being married says he found the person he had been looking for since he been in Florida, what I don’t understand is why marry someone if you were looking for someone else??? The one you left feelings don’t matter no more???Confused please help.

  • Jon

    November 23rd, 2015 at 8:19 AM

    thanks cassieD.I still call her every day just to hear her voice.I am waiting on a settlement from injuries that i received at work,Which i cannot return to because of the extent of them.She agreed to not seek lawyers or Divorce until my settlement comes through.I am still on her Ins.I also need my knees totally replaced.She agreed to wait until the settlement.I don”t know i am so naive and blind.I don’t want to think that she is going to take my settlement also.Maby that’s why she is waiting to get the big D word until after she knows what the money will be.
    She said that she doesn’t want my money.But I’m sorry but it is pretty hard to trust her after what she has done.I still love her,after all we have been together for almost 28 yrs.
    I’m just a hopeless Romantic i guess that loved my wife unconditionally.
    I hold my vows very close to my heart.
    I know that there are a lot of women that would be very hopeful in finding a guy like me.I cannot go through life alone.I have to have a partner to share life and love with.I don’t know where to start to meet that special person.My heart is totally shattered,and I’m still in shock.I prey that i will wake up some day and not care anymore.Sorry that i am so blind to whats going on.I guess i still believe that we can get back together.I know I am totally stupid to think that,But for now I can’t help the way that I feel.
    Thank’s Jersey girl

  • CassieD

    November 23rd, 2015 at 8:46 AM

    It’s natural to feel that way. If you didn’t it wouldn’t be human. Be careful, maybe hire a lawyer before you get your settlement. That happened to a friend of mine and he a lot of her settlement and then spent it and then got divorced and she couldn’t get it back. It was considered marital money. You might want to file a complaint against her to freeze your money before you get that back. Also, start shopping for insurance now. I have to buy my own insurance because I’m losing mine on December 9. I have to do some procedures for possible breast cancer and I need to get my insurance going. It’s going to cost me a fortune, but I have no choice. I have been on his plan for 21 years. People snap. It’s not fair. But don’t torture yourself. And protect yourself because if she’s not looking out for you you need to. And you can’t necessary believe everything she says. It’s one thing to be emotionally abused it’s another thing to be financially abused. You don’t want to have to recover from both. Don’t tell her you’re hiring a lawyer, and hire one anyway if you need to. Protect yourself. Protect your assets.

  • Jon

    November 23rd, 2015 at 10:14 AM

    By the way Don how do you meet people on line? I’m just curious.I am 50 and I live in Illinois..

  • Jon

    November 23rd, 2015 at 10:50 AM

    CassieD.Thanks,The problem is that she takes care of the bills,so she would know what i spent it for.And we both agreed to wait until my settlement before we decided the next step on what to do with the finances.I told her that I need her Ins to get my knee replaced and she said that is fine .I am almost at my wits end with all of this confusion and fright and pain.

    Thanks Jon

  • CassieD

    November 23rd, 2015 at 11:47 AM

    I was in the same situation. I needed his insurance as well. I borrowed the money for the lawyer from somebody else.he paid all the bills. I didn’t even have the pass codes to the credit card or the banking accounts. She should not know what your settlement is.she is waiting for it. Just because she knew need her health insurance doesn’t mean she entitled your settlement. Contact a lawyer, or find a friend who knows one. Don’t screw yourself.

  • denzel

    November 23rd, 2015 at 9:09 PM

    My gf of 5 years left me bout a week ago we lived at her dads her dad decided to move out so she says she’s going to live with her mom but i can’t stay there with her so im homeless but a week ago i made her mad she left and didnt talk to me until today when she came to get her clothes

  • Lee

    November 27th, 2015 at 12:03 PM

    Then there is the one that’s left out. I agree with this article, but the hardest one is this. She left you without warning after 10 years of marriage because her family and a so called “friend” pushed her to do so. It double complicates the matter when you’re a Christian, because the Bible says, “Whom God has put together, let man not separate.” betrayal and lies are very tough, especially if you never get to address things, and never have real closure. I just want to say to everybody who’s experienced this, I feel for you, I love you with all my heart and know you’re not alone, and that there are people who really care.

  • Matthew

    November 29th, 2015 at 7:19 PM

    Wow. That’s my situation in a “nut shell.” Wife is splitting after 10 years. Her friends, family and coworkers all pushed her. Good riddance this is over. This women has made my life a nightmare.

  • Jon

    November 30th, 2015 at 10:47 AM

    Thanks cassieD.I feel no more,Like i am dead.I have tried therapy.nothing is helping.i feel like there is no hope for me.
    I don’t know what to do.I know that i need companionship.I can’t go through life alone.I miss her so much.
    She has been exposing her private parts to men online.Right now she is in another state living in a hotel with a guy who is also married and she told me she is having sex with him.he told her he is leaving his wife.I have been hit with so many blows to my heart.


  • CassieD

    November 30th, 2015 at 9:19 PM

    Like I’ve said before and still need to remind myself: you dont want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you. Their loss. Period.
    Do you really want to be married to a women that’s flashing her goods to the world wide web???? Don’t you think you deserve better than that???? Holy cow. Get your big boy pants on and realize that she’s got a screw loose and you’re not a mechanic.
    My situation Is different In that my ex is NICE all the time. He is helpful, and proper, and considerate, and all of the communication between my lawyer and him, and paying everything early and is mister proper. Soooo I look like this demise is my fault, because I “wasn’t invested in our marriage”. Meanwhile, I had no idea he was that unhappy and he made a very one sided decision to leave, without any therapy or discussion of reconciling. But it’s almost sociopathic, I think, to be so “accommodating” to the same person that you were in a self- described “toxic” relationship with and a partner that you “couldn’t ever communicate with” and now be completely calm and methodical with. He even deposited the 1st alimony early and as a (unrequested by me) convenience, closed my checking account and mailed a check to my”our” house to save me a trip to the bank!
    The mediator couldn’t understand why we were getting divorced. We went through mediation swiftly and amicably. I’m not sure what’s worse – having your spouse off the deep end and watching them demonstrate it, or having someone appear completely intact going through life whilst I am going WTF
    Just happened? …with my kids asking the same question and my narcissistic ex looks like a victim of a situation “that just didnt work out as we grew apart” as he puts it. He’s 45 yo, 21 years married. Dated on and off for 30y., 2 scholar-athlete teens, 4 college degrees between us, 3 solid careers and a nearly paid off house, and four years of kids college pre paid. And I am 129 lbs 5-4″, & socially bi resulting from his pillow talk request, so he has had many fantasies come true.

    “I just need to find my happiness….”


    Love to hear feedback, please comments welcome.

  • Jason

    December 4th, 2015 at 5:37 PM

    I’ve been with my wife over 12 years married over 2. Live in new Jersey have 4 kids. In October I caught her sending messages to a guy she met at work, a big fight happened and she wants a divorce now, it’s been almost two months and I still can’t believe what’s happening, I’m 33 she’s 27 we have 4 kids together youngest is only 5 months. I hate life right now, she wants nothing to do with me, my work is suffering I’m suffering, she’s telling everyone how happy she is and I’m so lost. I can barely sleep I usually try to find places to go to get my mind off things. My kids are suffering too. I just don’t understand any of it and feel so hopeless. Two months and I don’t feel better.

  • cam

    December 12th, 2015 at 6:51 AM

    I feel very sad this happened to you but if she is leaving so quick without giving you a fair chance she may just be a self-centered person. I hope u can sort your situation so you are not left rearing the kids by yourself. Sort the legal separation stuff and you can do a divorce online for free. But if you cannot have her sort what you want with the kids and remove yourself from the situation as soon as you can so you can focus on your kids and studies. Maybe you want to place your studies on hold for awhile or get your family involved to temporarily help yout. You must focus con your future and your kids and let your ex wife go right now. Not a good thing for Xmas but you can only pick up the pieces and do your best to move on. Do not try to get her back at this time at least. Best!

  • Marumo

    December 13th, 2015 at 7:46 AM

    Hi man am so sorry to hear that even me am in the same situation last of last week i find my wife chat with guy sp when i ask her she was fighting and fighting but i cul her mum to talk with child but even kmw we still fighting so i dnt know what to do about this situation please guys i need advice she gave 27 years old and i have 29 year she have a kid i dnt have a kid

  • Josephine

    December 14th, 2015 at 8:04 AM

    Hey Jason,
    Just wanted to say, keep your head up. Pray, Give it to God and keep Faith. She might’ve been young and had settled down with kids at a young age and wanted an escape, but with that Guy it won’t Last and if it does she won’t be Happy. Believe, she’ll want you back. Stay Focused, Pray, Keep Faith and Believe 💛. It will all Fall into Place ✨

  • Jon

    December 5th, 2015 at 3:58 PM

    So sorry jason.My wife just left me after 28 yrs.I know the pain.I’ts time to find someone else.who will appreciate
    you. I am also working on it.

  • Ally

    December 11th, 2015 at 10:00 AM

    Hey guys:) go to church! Call out to the lord! God has the peace you seek. He created us & gave us a plan to follow (bible). we just chose our own path & wonder why 2 sinners can’t make it together. Because sinners are selfish! Trust me, you’ll find your comfort in Jesus. He says he takes all bad things & works them for the good of those who believe. Btw… He also says they won’t get by with their adultery! Get on yur knees & Let him fight your battles. His battlefield far out weighs ours!


    January 21st, 2016 at 6:09 PM

    I’m married since 11 months… my wife is very sensitive and warm hearted.. I took very care for her than I took for anybody else. But she left me with all unnecessary fear and stick to her parents decisions who doesn’t know the ground reality but imagine…I’m praying to god … please pray for me…

  • Jon

    December 13th, 2015 at 1:33 PM

    Hello all i’m still Jon.and yes I’m still sad and miserable and confused and lonely..
    I am now trying some dating sights.Right away some girl that claimed to live in Texas started e mailing me telling me how she loved me profile and this and that.Anyway i did a background check and found out this young lady lives in the other side of Africa.In Giane.She was trying to tell me that she needed money for documents to come to be with me..Yea right!!.Good By.I am trying to be happy but it’s not working.I don’t know how a person could ever feel more lonely and empty and unhappy.I’m trying..


  • Miles

    December 17th, 2015 at 12:40 PM

    I have been with my partner for 5 years we live together, our relationship was very fiery at the start there was quite a few break ups over various reasons, in the last 2years we haven’t split up once or even had a big enough argument to consider doing that, we have had petty little arguments but that’s about all. I will admit to being a bit of a pain… I’m a house wife and he would come home some nights and i would complain about something that happened at home during my day and it would cause a row because he felt as if I was always moaning at him. in the last few weeks i have asked him one or twice if being with me is what he wants and he said of course and we have had some really lovely days together, the night before we split up we had not a blazing row as such but it was the way things were said that was the problem not what was actually said, he woke the next morning left for work and text me saying he thinks I should go back to my parents house, maybe the living together situation isn’t working out and then began to say he thinks we shouldn’t be together he doesn’t know what he wants he loves me but hates the fact we keep arguing and don’t seem to get along the way we use to. Mind you although we have split up things have been amazing in the last 2 years compared to how things were before hand. He’s not stopped contact completely he has messaged me and told me his not doing this to be nasty or hurt me he just doesn’t feel happy in our relationship at the moment. He’s said if there’s anything I need and he can help with he will because he won’t see me go without because he cares, i don’t know if he’s saying this because he does actually want things to work out and just needs space or if he’s just being kind about the break up because he knows by me living back with my parents that will upset me at times aswell because my dad has terminal cancer I just want to know if I have a chance of getting this relationship back or weather he’s just doing the kindest breakup he can x

  • Andy

    December 17th, 2015 at 7:23 PM

    I have been married for 16 years at first he said we had fallen apart and that i did appreciate him. He finally said that he had met someone but that this person had nothing to do his decision was made. I DONT believe it and im so hurt, now i’m struggling to go on and when i think of what my kids will go through it breaks my heart..I simply can’t envision my future without him..but i must

  • Cassie D.

    December 19th, 2015 at 5:24 AM

    Dear Andy,

    It is really hard. It’s awful. It’s awful to feel rejected. But remember it has very little to do with you and everything to do with them. They are in a place where they don’t have any clarity and they’re in the middle of a crisis. Unfortunately, there’s little we can do about that. Sometimes the more you resist the worse it is. Just do your best to keep it together for your kids, and realize that there will be a rainbow at the end of the dark cloud. You just have to get there. And you will get there. We all do. Give your kids a Merry Christmas and an amazing role model for the new year.

  • Natalie

    January 7th, 2016 at 7:45 PM

    Hi Andy
    I’m living the same right now married 12 years and 2 kids 9 and 11 yrs old. It’s hard to think about hurting the kids but it’s his decision to not work on the marriage he’s not happy anymore. I don’t get how someone can break up their family without trying to work on the marriage. Your not the only one… Focus on yourself and kids. Exercise and stay busy . I’m trying to take it one day at s time but the anxiety is tough I keep ruminating and worrying about the future.i just keep telling myself for now it’s hard but I’ve got to keep it together for my kids


    December 19th, 2015 at 11:22 AM

    I have been married just for 8 months and my husband has abandoned the house. First he started four days after our wedding to over communicate in the internet and made sure that I don’t see what he does. Then he makes late night calls and insult me when ever I tried to talk to him about it. Latter he leaves the house and stay for days, some times weeks without telling me his whereabouts. And he had started the attitude of battering , after unsuccessful attempts to control the situation, I reported to his mother and that worsen the situation. Now he stops communicating with anyone that tries to talk him in to reconciliation. I don’t know what to do, pls I desperately need help

  • GoodTherapy Admin

    December 19th, 2015 at 7:57 PM

    Dear Sekike,

    If you would like to consult with a mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage,, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area.

    Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

    Kind regards,
    The Team


    December 21st, 2015 at 1:43 AM

    Please u did not say anything concerning my case, am in Cameroon, and we have less of such facilities like therapist on psychological or marital issues. I need advice. Thanks

  • The Team

    December 21st, 2015 at 8:20 AM

    Hi SEKIKE,

    Thank you for your response! We are happy to provide resources, but please know that our site is not meant to be a substitute for professional mental health or relationship help. We believe that is best left to our members.

    Wishing you the best,
    The Team

  • Cassie D.

    December 20th, 2015 at 4:49 AM

    Go to therapy.
    See a priest.
    Give him a time frame.
    If he doesn’t respond to ONE request, then get an annulment and move on.
    Trust me. You’re young. You will meet someone who treats you right and then you will forget all about him. Call him in a mistake made, water under the bridge.

  • Tess

    January 22nd, 2016 at 12:06 AM

    See a priest????? Not everybody is Christian or catholic!!!

  • CassieD

    February 13th, 2016 at 5:54 AM

    Then, the suggestion clearly doesn’t apply. I certainly wouldn’t feel the need to reply with a comment if someone suggested to see a Rabbi… BECAUSE IT DOESNT APPLY TO ME.


  • Josie

    December 22nd, 2015 at 11:14 AM

    My mum passed away suddenly in July 2014.
    He was my rock. Then a month later he came home and told me he never loved me and his mind was f$&k#% . He was mean, angry and a totally crazy.
    This went on until October 2015. He finally moved out after telling the kids he had to find true happiness.
    We did counselling were he was told he had: PTSD and depression- of course there was nothing wrong with him.
    A week after he left my dad passed away.
    I feel alone, hurt and abandoned.
    He is not the man I have been with for the last 15 years…
    I am blessed to have a wonderful circle of friends and family to support me ..

  • Steve

    December 23rd, 2015 at 5:12 PM

    My wife of 10 years went on a weekend trip with our daughter. When they returned she told me she’s been unhappy and is leaving me. I have been madly in love with this woman for the 12 years we’ve known each other, and of course I was devastated. Then I found out that she had actually gone away with her ex husband, and our daughter slept at a friend’s house to make it look good. I learned all this by looking through texts on my daughter’s phone. My wife denies it. I just don’t understand why she would lie to me after all the love we’ve shared all this time. I’m truly heartbroken.

  • Straamy2

    December 25th, 2015 at 10:43 PM

    Hello, I am a 35 year old woman and my wife and I split just two days ago. Things have been bad for awhile, but it is still hard to accept that it is over. She isn’t in love with me anymore. It feels like I have been blind sided, she didn’t even give us a try to work it out. She said that she is tired of faking it. She said that she is doing this out of love because she can’t fully give herself to me. I had no idea she had been this unhappy for such a long time. She is also ready to date a friend who I had welcomed into my home. Although she wasn’t having a physical affair, she was having an emotional one. I’m having a hard time knowing how to move on! I am so truly heartbroken. I don’t know if anyone will ever love me again!

  • Michele41

    January 22nd, 2016 at 11:09 AM

    So sorry for what you are going through. I am going through something similar too. It’s rough but in the long run we will be better off. What city and state are you in?

  • Heathrr

    December 26th, 2015 at 9:00 PM

    me & my bf were 2gether 8 years & i found a conversation on his tablet telling a girl he loves her & all this stuff.. i was willing 2 work it out but he told me he hasnt been happy 4 the past year & hes not in love with me anymore & hes bored.. i was devastated, a total wreck.. he moved 2 PA with his family while he waits 4 the girl 2 move there in April.. we still text as friends but it gets really hard as I cant talk about his new gf.. i am far from over it but i do want 2 be his friend, possibly more if we can work it out.. after he left i started taking care of myself & all that pampering stuff.. well, i came 2 the conclusion that i dont want his a** back.. she can keep him, i hope they will be very happy.. im done.. he left him crying & pleading, left me.. i was faithful 8 years, i adored him, worshipped the ground he walked on.. i work, i just got a truck, im sweet as candy & i deserve better.. we keep texting as friends & sometimes we still flirt a bit but its not like that.. he played Me, the best thing that ever happened 2 him & im slowly getting over it.. i know im great & i deserve greatness so whatever dude.. ur loss..

  • CassieD

    December 28th, 2015 at 9:35 AM

    Congrats!! You’re absolutely right!
    You deserve better and just live better than he does. He will go the same thing to someone else- no worries.
    Read some of what I wrote – I was married for 21 YEARS and mine did the same thing. Awful. Just sad.

  • Rae

    December 30th, 2015 at 12:21 PM

    my husband and I been together since August of 2011 off and on and but we got married in 2014 but at one point we were broken up for a few months before we got back together, we both were seeing other people, and I told him about it when he asked before we got back together but the people text were still on my old phone and he saw it and just decided to end us I don’t understand how he can do this after we told each other that we talked to other people when we weren’t together, like its so messed up because he’s been cheated on me almost our whole relationship idk what to do I love him and I want us to work but the fact that his mad about somethings that happened when we weren’t together is messed up and I’m just supposed to be okay with everything he’s done me none of this makes sense, I’m really hurt and I don’t know what to do with myself :'(

  • The Team

    December 30th, 2015 at 3:04 PM

    Dear Rae,

    Thank you for sharing. The Team is not qualified to offer professional advice, but we encourage you to reach out. A therapist or counselor can often be supportive and helpful.

    To obtain a list of therapists or counselors in your area, please enter your ZIP code here:

    Please know you are not alone. Help is available, and we wish you the best of luck in your search.

    Kind regards,

    The Team

  • James

    January 4th, 2016 at 2:19 AM

    Hey there all. My name’s James, I’m 25. The long and short of my story is that I came home from work last night to find my girlfriend of almost 2 years and 8 months living together with her bags packed and a car outside with her mum’s friend waiting. She told me she was leaving, that she had been unhappy for about a month, and that she needed to figure out who she was, saying that because she hadn’t really been single for a lengthy period since she was 18 (she’s 22 now) she based her individuality on her relationship. I am well aware she’s had a difficult life, as have I, and from the moment we started dating I let her know I was always there for her. We were happy, we valued each other’s company, we always went through any hardships together. Over the Xmas period she started to become distant, but I put it primarily down to the fact that her grandad, who she’s very close to, is now in a home with Alzheimer’s and it would be her first Xmas without him. I asked her, without being overbearing or pushy a couple of times what was wrong and if I could do anything to help, and she assured me everything was fine, she just found this time of year hard. I think the worst part is I feel like I’ve had my heart ripped out with no closure, as I was left no explanation to her leaving, and pieced over the night that she hadn’t been being honest with me about what she had been doing, who she’s been seeing etc. I love her so much, and have always been devoted to her, never lied to her, never cheated, never been controlling or jealous etc. Looking at the whole thing, it was obviously calculated by her for a while, which hurts all the more when for example, on the Saturday night I had taken her out for an expensive meal, and she had just happily played along, said it was wonderful etc. I’m beyond hurt that she didn’t talk to me beforehand about any issues, knowing I would have listened and helped to the best of my ability. I’m currently very ill as well, as she knows, and her move last night was in my view, completely cold blooded and merciless. I am livid with her, but at the same time I love her, and would do anything to be able to sort things out and get us back together. I would of course have to impose new rules to our relationship after finding out that she’s been deceiving everyone, but I would give her a second chance. I just want to know what people think, and if anything would help. I’ve talked to my family/friends but obviously it’s very hard for them to be impartial, and most of their advice has either been play a waiting game and wait for her to contact me, or forget about her and move on. Any help and opinions would be gratefully appreciated.

  • Michele41

    February 10th, 2016 at 4:11 PM

    Straamy2 where are you from? Sorry for your heartache

  • Rogers

    April 9th, 2016 at 8:56 AM

    OMG just more Internet divorce encouragement. I guess there’s a lot of money being made in the divorce and recovery business encouraging people like my ex wife to wreck our families. Sadistic. She told me she left me for four of the reasons you mentioned. The fifth reason I found out about on my own and that was because she was having an affair. There were no reasons for her to “fall out of love” with me. I was the best husband I could be and we have a ten year old son together. To encourage these unstable people to “follow their hearts” and destroy what they built with someone just because they have unanswered issues within themselves is a societal disaster. Don’t tell me to “cherish what I had” just focus on “what’s next”. It ain’t that easy. It’s been 1 1/2 years since our separation and 6 months since our divorce and I still cry every day. Marriage values need to be seriously overhauled in this country or let’s just start raising our kids to be cheaters and narcissists because that’s what everybody’s becoming anyway.

  • Robert M

    May 20th, 2016 at 5:48 PM

    I like CassieD…but it’s getting to be almost a half of a year since she has posted. Hi CassieD! Please keep sharing your common sense…ok, so my wife of 25 years just abandoned me, posioned my boys (18 & 21) and took the dog…and my (deceased) mother’s piano. I must think it is permanant. God the waves of dispair are so crushing. and there is hope

  • CassieD

    September 7th, 2016 at 3:15 AM

    Hi Robert! I am still here. I have been divorced for 9 months. Have evidence that he was cheating on me with my business partner /emotional affair? And now she wants to leave. I am going through another divorce with my business partner, she will be leaving my office October . The hits keep coming.
    I see him on occasion for months have passed since we actually exchanged any communication, recently exchange some emails regarding my children who are now a senior in high school and a sophomore in college. I still hate him as much today as I did when he told me he was moving out. In fact I think I hate him more now than I did then. The feeling sorry for him part for being an emotionally broken person is really gone when you give me choices to betraying me and put my business at risk that I started four years ago. The emotions change, they do not get easier. I also lost my mother nine months ago. I lost my dad a few years ago. it’s been a rough go since 2013.

  • bishnu

    August 8th, 2016 at 3:46 PM

    I am 28.after 5 year of marriage my wife left me.our relationship was role model in the society.I had just started to earn the best salary which could be enough for our happy future but she has left me and I think there is value of the money.she was satisfied with every angle including sexual too.but suddenly she changed decision and staying with her parents.can’t believe

  • bishnu

    August 8th, 2016 at 3:50 PM

    sorry there should be no value of money

  • Lynn

    August 28th, 2016 at 9:24 PM

    Been engaged for the last 6 years and my fiancé kind of held off getting married for some time. Set up a lot of reasons why and decided that for insurance purposes, it would be best to wait until my youngest turned 18. Before my son turned 18 he changed his mind and thought it would be a perfect time to get married. The only thing that changed was he was now having to pay for his own health insurance. Needless to say, I reminded him of the timing he set up and we did not get married. It has now been some time since then and many conversations regarding the relationship not being one where we operated as a couple. He had his stuff, his money his problems. I had my stuff, my money, my problems. Felt like two people living two separate lives in one home. We sold our home we owned together, yet I paid the mortgage as we were looking for a change. Found a great new home development where he knew the builder and was talking with the builder about the possibility of a few lots that would become available. He was very excited on Friday regarding his news that two lots became available and was texting me of how excited he was. The following morning I came across more items that appeared to be missing from the house again and when I was once again told that he had given items to family members without even discussing it with me, I became very upset and hurt. Next thing I knew, he was upstairs in our house while I was downstairs. He ended up walking past me and got in our car and left. Completely unaware of what had transpired I was thinking we really needed to talk. Next thing I know, I was finding that he had taken all my jewelry including gifts he had given me and the pink slip to the vehicle we owned together. He obviously had no intentions of returning. I found that he had taken my key out of my purse for the car. Come to find out, there have been several items packed and taken from the home. Hurt beyond comprehension that this has been all calculated and the number of lies that had been told to me for I can’t even imagine how long. Not sure how to recover from this. Home has been sold and I need to be out in 1 month and now he wants to send people to my home to pick things up. I am beyond hurt.

  • heather

    September 6th, 2016 at 7:20 PM

    three months ago my husband called me to say he wanted my daughter and I to move out so he can move his girlfriend in. I honestly never thought I would recover but it was a blessing in disguise because now I have my own home and am absolutely loving life.

  • CassieD

    September 7th, 2016 at 3:16 AM

    Jesus. That’s messed up.
    Good for you.

  • Aleisha Kaitz

    September 16th, 2016 at 1:28 AM

    magnificent issues altogether, you simply won a brand new reader. What would you suggest in regards to your post that you made some days in the past? Any certain?

  • Kay B

    September 26th, 2016 at 6:50 PM

    My take, my experience, the one who cheated and left wasn’t as committed
    (to the marriage) as he or she led on. I was willing and able to do what it took, but he was committed to the fact that it wouldn’t work. He wanted what he wanted and he used whatever he could think of justify getting it. Love is blind, but I’m not so blind any more. All those things I’ve overlooked for years are very obvious now. It took some comments by others, even his own family to see how much I compensated and accommodated. I gave a lot of myself over to my marriage and taking on a lot of stuff trying to be a help mate. I still believe I was doing the right thing, but for the wrong person. Someone else would have appreciated it and been there with me. Note to self, pay more attention, and get reliable input from friends and family. Character counts, have some standards that you are not willing to make exceptions on. Nobody is perfect but there have to be certain things that will be most important to you. Take time to really get to know who you are dealing with. Some of those things that seem like just cute little quirks can be the tip of the iceberg. One of the best things I heard directed at someone else—-‘ A christian man or woman shouldn’t violate the conscience of their spouse,’ I hope some day I will be able to give myself fully to someone again, but it will be a while.

  • CassieD

    September 26th, 2016 at 9:12 PM

    Well said. So True.

  • Jo

    October 6th, 2016 at 5:56 AM

    My partner of 7 years left after an argument over nothing 3 months ago and he is refusing to talk about anything. All he has said, via text, is that im an awful person who talks down to him which is not true. During the row he started screaming and shouting at me so i told him to go and he never came back and is saying i dumped him for no reason! He saw a friend of mine recently and told her that he was upset by the split and still really loved me but he wont talk. I dont know what to do. Any advice please? I love him and miss him so much.

  • Matt

    November 19th, 2016 at 1:16 AM

    Hi my name is Matt.
    I have been with my wife for 20years and married for 16 years. 5 years ago I started to discover and figure out that my wife was a substance abuser,drug addict with prescription meds, narssasis, pathological liar. Well five years ago when our son was a freshman in highschool I received a phone call from him he sounded like he was in a state of shock. I came home from work and he was downstairs crying and moaning. He told me that mom was sucking on a can while they were on their way to pick up his friend for soccer practice and she was having a problem driving and stoped abruptly in subdivision well she was what learned later what is called huffing a can/ bottle of butane. A homeowner was coming over to car to see if everything was okay and my son grabbed bottle and stuffed it between the seat she was out of it and managed to get back to the house where my son wanted to go home. I reached out to her parents for support. And they spoke to their daughter over phone. Well I was very scared and in a state of nervousness myself. She promised she was done . Then I was wise to her pupils biegn dialated different times during the week for the next couple of weeks and could tell at those times she was not all there. Well I went deer hunting with our son and had left her at the house with our daughter which was in 7 th grade at the time. When I got back a gut feeling told me to check our trash in the trash can . I have never done this before. But I did it and discovered 2 empty bottles of butane. I was very scared and nervous . I asked my wife to meet me when she got off work which was later and later than years ago. Well she met me and and my legs were shaking really bad while I was talking to my wife about what I found and showed her. She promised she would stop. Well then I would follow up at the dirt cheap stores where she was getting this butane from and I was able to get identification that she was still purchasing this stuff. Then in 2014 it got really bad . My wife works commission base in medical field and she is a master manipulator. This I also discovered. Well she had this doctor at a private office that she worked with get him to start prescribing mess for her. She was also getting mess from her primary doctor as well. Then I found out she was getting more meds from a dentist at times . She was doctor shopping for pills. Well the doctor she was working with was giving her Vicodin, and soma, she also was getting zanax and other pills from doctor. I also found out she was picking up meds for patients . I would always find pills in her pockets , on the floor, in her car , in her purse in our cabinetry allloose pills. Well she was mixing high doses of Vicodin and Soma pills . Too make it short our son had to go with me to pick up her car several times her friends brought her car home once before she drove her car off road through a mailbox into a tree totaled car was able to get past cop because he was looking for signs of alcohol let her manipulate him with a phantom car story and I was not notified until her car was towed to a lot. She was followed home while driving rental car in and out of her lane off shoulder and then into oncoming lane. She manipulated the men that followed her to gas station. And when I was called up to get her. When I came back to get rental I found hidden inside a mint bottle Vicodin and soma pills that were in two sets of boxes. I have found pills over and over hidden in her car before she totaled it . Then I get her an Acadia. Within a month she snaps the axel and damages the side of her car at a gas station pillar that protects the pumps. She was drugged up on pills again . She was slurring her speech and dragging her shoulder on the wallls in front of our kids from the beginning of all of this. Me finding pills over and over hidden in her car. I had told her that she needs help and that I was going to tell doctor about her abusing these pills. She threatened me and would say horrible things to me in front of the kids.. our kids would spend the night at their friends house or my parents home. Her parents were in denial as my wife was they also live 31/2 hrs away which is no excuse when I begged for their support. And they turned their back on me and their grand kids. I found out that my wife had been backstabbing me with everyone she was close to. I also was finding 100′ S of dollars in her car over and over and over with the pills. Also found a stack of dram idol vyles under bathroom sink. Seringes in trash can seringe wrappers in garage or in her car. Found out that my daughter saw mom stapling $100 bills into $1000 bricks. And my daughter swore she counted 12 stacks after her mother went upstairs. I begged begged prayed prayed prayed and became closer to god than I ever had been in my life.. my wife slept in a coma state almost ever day for over a year. She missed everything. Didn’t know our kids friends girlfriends or boyfriends. It was a mess As I always did I cooked cleaned laundry took care of kids was involved etc . Then my wife was charged with felonies 2 for fraud and 1 for forgery.. in 2015… she switch to alcohol now … she has driven me and our kids out of the house to my parents… I am biblical and believe I cannot get a divorce because what the Bible says. I am breaking apart because I am getting the divorce process in place but I love my wife. I am missing a lot more but this story is long enough as it is…. I have been begging wife to stop the lies, stop the backstabbing, and stop the abuse of pills and alcohol.. without trust there is no foundation without a foundation the house falls….

    Please help me with the divorce decision please.

  • toni

    December 6th, 2016 at 8:38 AM

    I feel like reason 3 and 5 go so hand in hand, which is what I did in my marriage …I couldn’t stand the emotional abuse anymore. I did offer that he gets help but of course “it was nothing wrong” with him. Except that I became his punching bag for him, for every bad day he had, every opinion or suggestions I had in discussions would trigger a denigrating response from him. Knowing myself and how hard I have worked to be where I am in life, being raised in a lovely family, and overcoming another abusive relationships before I knew it was time for me to leave that relationship soon after our 6th anniversary. This wasn’t the fist time I had wanted to leave, but thankfully this time I felt more convinced that this relationship was not going anywhere. The healing has begun but I still have to decide when to start the divorce process and am terrified to go through it as I always valued marriage as really sacred and wanted to build a lovely family of my own with the person that I thought really loved and appreciated me, but of course we were never in the same page. To a better year and life ahead, that’s all I can pray for!

  • luthermarcus

    January 6th, 2017 at 5:30 AM

    This is beautifully written. (Poetic) Most importantly very little if no bias. My break up was a combination of factors above and under each one Andra (the author) has captured the essence. Almost like something magical happens when reading the article. Maybe I just feel in love with the author.

  • eva

    January 20th, 2017 at 3:22 AM

    Thanks i also have a lot of trouble because i want him back and love him very much…

  • Andeew

    January 21st, 2017 at 12:20 PM

    My partner of 7 year left me 10 weeks ago, She is 40 and i am 47 and she had an affair when with a guy i know who is 49 after her father died. We got back together for a couple of year but she broke things off with me 10 weeks ago saying she dosn’t love me anymore..! I suspected something was going on with her why she broke and i taught she was seeing someone and maybe this guy from before.. In the past week i have been getting on good with her and i love her 4 kids and am a really good friend of her family.. I have just seen her going into the guys house that she had the affair with.. I am so so Hurt.. What do i do,??

  • Sina W

    March 4th, 2017 at 12:16 AM

    Very interesting info!Perfect just what I was searching for!

  • ian

    July 21st, 2017 at 3:24 PM

    my wife just left me refused to talk or tell our two children and left it all to me in the midst of all my anger and hurt this has caused my kids to completely disown their mother even thou I have asked and beg them to have contact and an on going relationship with her . I have kept in touch with her help her financially and tried my hardest to help the situation between the kids and her all to no avail . Any problem she has she phones the bloke she left me for is a condescending arse this was not the first affair ive since found out there have been 4 in the last ten years I knew about one and worked hard 6 years ago to forgive and forget . since my 18 year old daughter has said she knew about these affairs as her friends had seen her mum out with other men she had asked her about this and been shouted down and told she was wrong the hurt she has caused is unforgiveable , as for the hurt to me I could not give a s*** but our kids I will never forgive moral off this is if you want out tell them take a chance the other one will want you don’t lie don’t cheat be honest and people will respect you , lie. cheat ,refuse to except your responabillity don’t come crying when the shit hits the fan and nobody wants nothing to do with you .I love my kids still love my wife and will do anything to make their live good I wish her all the best with the new man but fear , a relationship built on lies and deceit is a disaster waiting to happen .Good luck to all who have been cheated on I wish you all the happiness you can find be strong and trust in yourself , trust me nobody but you can make this better so walk with head held high feel proud that you didn’t sink to their level best of luck one mightily piss off deserted husband

  • Jil

    September 18th, 2017 at 7:23 AM

    I have just left my partner of 16 years. I wasnt happy, i was controlled, questioned put up with his temper for long enough. Fed up of the assumptions that there is another man involved ha! there never will be. Now im being threated/monitored by one of his family. Just for leaving someone that i wasnt happy with.

  • Darrell

    January 8th, 2018 at 11:03 AM

    After 24 years of marriage, and 27 years of being together, my wife told me she no longer was in love with me.

    I’m 59 … she’s 49. We have two children whom are now adults, with the youngest being 18.

    I was sexually abused when I was 3 … not by a parent / relative. It happened only once … and was not discovered by anyone. I “froze” that moment … then 6 years later I was traumatized again. The effects of both of those events, coupled to an unloved / loving home run by a dictator and supported by my mother’s passiveness, my sexuality was warped and I became very adept at being alone. This lifestyle caused me great shame and guilt and I could never understand why I didn’t fit in – anywhere. So I tried suicide at 23 … and from that failure I ended up getting professional help for the first time – to gain understanding of “why” I was the way I was. This took time, and I was doing ok with the new found insights … and I left therapy thinking I was now ok and that I needed to move on in life. Soon, I reverted back to what I was doing to prior to the attempt to get pleasure. And I continued living this new “lie” – was a real Jekyll and Hyde … until I met my wife – who had / has a heart of kindness I had never experienced before.

    I was so glad to finally have someone to love … my first and only love … that I stopped my destructive behaviours and together we were the quintessential happy young couple – we were never great at sex, but for all other aspects of marriage – even communication, we were as happy as good be. And I never told her of my past … until we started to drift apart – sexually – after the birth of our second child, which was 6 years into the marriage. Sex left the building – and life really took over … and the issue of lack of intimacy would come up – always from her – as to why “how come we never have sex anymore” … and then over more time, and even after attending marriage counselling together … it never did get resolved. And I knew that deep down inside my pysche I had unresolved issues – or aftereffects – of the early abuse, and the damage to my “self” that had never been repaired, let alone looked at.

    Then 2017 came and both of the kids are on their own, and I decided to try and retire, and my wife and I committed to working on the intimacy / sex issue again … and we even planned a vacation for August – which we took and was the first for us together in over 20 years. We had a great time … but never had sex. Then we came home … talked more … and again neither of us made a move towards the other. I then made the mistake of writing down what had happened to me when I was a child (I had, over the years, told my wife all of this – this was my first time ever writing it down) and from completely out of the blue … my wife’s response was to say that she knows I’m in pain over all of this but that she “no longer loves” me, and that she wants a divorce, and that she does not see us ever getting back together.

    That was at the end of September. I took this announcement very badly and as I had already “opened” up all that shit in my mind re the abuse, neglect, etc … I had a breakdown and two days later I woke up to my 3-year old self holding onto an exacto blade knife in one hand and my penis in the other as I was attempting to cut that part off of me. I was so scared … and so alone … and it was all of a sudden.

    I realized I needed help, again, and I have since been doing that. I was forced to leave my home as there is no available help there at all – and what help is available is on a “wait list” and is for a facility outside my territory only (and the wait list is between 6-10 months). My wife’s response was a complete shock – I truly believed she still loved me as much as I have always loved her … she was my only love … I have never loved anyone else and I never once fell out of love with her … and in actuality I was the romantic in our marriage. I never had a clue … and so I could not understand her response. In the month it took for me to pull myself together enough to find the help I need and make the arrangements – she moved out of our home – and withdrew from me even more. Granted, I was pretty screwed up … but I found a new place, was diagnosed with PTSD, arranged therapies, and prepared to leave. And, while cleaning up our home computer, I found a file of pics. It seems that 3 weeks before my writing her my history and my concerns for us, she had an affair. That discovery changed my fragile mind even more – it made my psychically ill – and my immediate thought was that I had caused so much angst with this lovely woman that she changed her values … and that … that PAIN … is what really kills me. That over the life of our marriage, the effects of my early traumas (that were left un-touched – and that went unnoticed by even myself) caused the very values that attracted her to me – or me to her – had changed so much … and that she must have been in so much pain herself, that she did what she did … to herself, and to me.

    I cannot deal with that … that pain is too big … and I am too alone.

  • pat

    March 10th, 2018 at 8:28 AM

    Breaking up is hard and can be hell!!!!! for some of us who hates dating and hate being with other people. Is evn more so when you realize how little value people place on others life and livelihood. I learnt from my partner of two and half years that any relationship can work. You can imagine how amazed I was at this concept coming from a male (not being sexist or anything!). Needless to say that this same man left and is livng with someone else (who I believe is his ex). What felt worse is that he left after he found out that I was pregnant with his second child. He said he wanted his life back (by that he means his happy care free go out every weekend life. I have other kids from a previous relationship and I felt saddened by it all at first. As the weeks turn into Month I am beginnning to think it was for the best. I can have my flatulence moments with only the kids laughing at me and I am learning about me. Part of me want him back because I believed in him and that we could have grown to love each other. the other part of me knows that he will never accept the blame or even address it so I am not kidding myself. One thing I am scared of is that my heart as sensible to all the facts as is it is not closed towards him. I do not know if it is love. When I left my mairriage of 8 years and finally divorce after 14 years I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I will never go back to my ex husband. It puzzles me why I cannot close the chapter on this one. As a result I decided to leave it as is and work on me, my kids and try to keep my lovely baby growing inside me as healthy and happy as possible. Who knows, by the time he comes around I probably will be so brand new that he wont be able to afford me, not mentally , not financially or in any way possible. Either that or he will be here to stay.

  • phoenix men

    May 23rd, 2018 at 11:19 PM

    When it’s over When you split up, you may find it very hard to let go of your ex-partner. This often happens when one partner is keener to end a relationship than the other. If the relationship is really over, learning to let go is important.

  • Theresa

    June 18th, 2018 at 10:45 AM

    I was with someone for 24 years hard-working man entry bands and we went distance are both ways we were living like roommates after while he left me once it records me to claim bankruptcy then he left me October 22 for married woman he was trying to have a relationship it ended in March he’s heartbroken he wrote a nasty letter to me pieces he wants out the relationship he’s not love with me but he loves me I’m going through psychotherapy Lost a lot of weight and I love him I figured keeping away and not pushing him it’s okay according to the cycle therapist don’t know what to do at this point charge when you’re 69 and someone leaves you like this I did everything for him that he became a liar and sneak and a cheater so was told by the clairvoyant don’t now well I can do is sit back and told him if you want me to come to the band you call me up it’s eight months he’s gone but only two munchies over that girl now it goes online and he looks for women even looked at my webpage I blocked them I think he’s doing this to spite me to show we can look for somebody else all he wants is companion to cook for him do his clothes and clean his house I’m never find it all I can do is take a day at a time

  • grace

    July 20th, 2018 at 10:44 AM

    Marriage is a covenant and is not based on feelings. It is a commitment, a promise, a vow to love that other person irrespective of how you feel. Of course, feelings change over the course of a marriage…you are not going to have those ‘sparks flying’ like you did when you first met. It should never be based on how YOU are feeling – that’s selfish, not selfless. In my parents day, they stood together and stayed married, committed right through, the good and the bad, the ups and the downs. It’s a partnership, a friendship…couples give up way too easy.

  • Wayne

    January 30th, 2019 at 7:24 AM

    Very true unfortunately people have no gratitude and are not satisfied with what they have only look at what they don’t, Grass always greener on the other side and want what others have got even if that destroys there own lives or someone else’s. No morals and narcissistic behaviour a lot of people today you can see that with the sort of dating sites out there promoting affairs. And how the friends of a man or woman who then leaves there partner for another is accepted. If those people were true friends they would tell them that what they are doing or have done is wrong .

  • Ted

    August 1st, 2018 at 12:31 AM

    Wife of 17 years left 4mo’s ago. Last 5-6 years epic struggle to keep things on rails while kids matured to age where they could make decisions for themselves and process what was going on and why. She has been seeing someone for depression, but therapist seemed geared more towards providing affirmation to affluent clients than identifying and treating the more important clinical issues. Over those years the contempt, spite, and hate… the false sense that everyone but her was living a great life… constantly grasping at some new external source of happiness but never satisfied. Over time the problems of depression were compounded by more and more episodes of red faced spitting rage. Rage that would be primarily directed towards friends and family. So much so that mutual friends who would come to visit, they’d ask me not to tell my wife they were in town. On a recent vacation she screamed at a elderly relative proclaiming them evil for drinking a glass of wine. Republicans, gun owners, owners of certain dog breeds, certain cars, any myriad of occupations, etc, etc… so many things that can trigger in her uncontrolled verbal abuse and rage. It’s gotten really wild and way more frequent! When she declared she was leaving to focus on her own happiness… I was both frightened and relieved. I feel no small amount guilt for feeling relief at her leaving. But, at the same time I have been for so many years, and still am, the focus of so much of her hate, scorn, and malice… I really don’t want live with that type of negativity one more day than I have to… I am not a therapist. The very best i could do is tip toe and stear her away from the many triggers for her depression and rage. Few years back as a woman in her mid-40’s she had an affair with and 18 year old from the church and declared in a violent rage it was my fault for not making her happy… Yikes! Now our oldest daughter is living with her across town and trying to make sure she doesn’t do herself too much harm drinking herself unconsciousness (appears wine is no longer evil) or otherwise. Our younger teen lives with me in the family home and the two of us are hoping the court will allow us to move closer to family out of state. The older teen will be an adult in just over a year and I am hoping her role as caregiver does not distract her from studies or delay college. I have the greatest respect for those who endure the bad times and work to resolve and remedy their challenges. As for me, i don’t want to be in the same time zone as my estranged wife… And when the kids are both out of the house, I fully intend to leave the continent.

  • Phillip

    January 2nd, 2019 at 12:18 AM

    I left her cause she was a gold digger had 4 affairs and she was a thief .
    Good riddance. MGTOW all the way Baby. Dick Masterson speaks the TRUTH.

  • Julie W

    March 21st, 2019 at 6:41 PM

    I can’t cope with the pain of my break up. Can’t eat or sleep, I feel depressed. Can’t sleep without sleeping pills or wine. And to make things worse I think I’m getting addicted to them. How can I make myself feel better and sleep better?

  • The Team

    March 22nd, 2019 at 8:12 AM

    Dear Julie,

    If you would like to consult with a mental health professional, you can start finding therapists in your area by entering your city or ZIP code into the search field on this page:

    Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. You may click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. If you need help finding a therapist, you are welcome to call us. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time, and our phone number is 888-563-2112.

    Kind regards,
    The GoodTherapy Team

  • Dikai

    March 14th, 2020 at 11:09 AM

    Same happen to me when my husband left me but with the great help of great mutaba my husband came back to me

  • Kelly

    July 14th, 2021 at 8:48 AM

    this is the ugliest experience i ever had, losing my wife after 16yrs of marriage having 3boyz nd 2galz we got married age 25 nd 21, but now am 41 she’s 37. i started noticing long calls chats and messages together with her painful attitude of coming home very late. I always try to communicate with her pushing to know what’s going on but she will pick offence and let in argument. at a point i discover she lies always. now i got to know of her infidelity… causing her to move out of the house, leaving the 3 grown up children with me. this is two months of my ugly experience. please advice me what to do.

  • Sara GT

    July 15th, 2021 at 7:52 AM

    Dear Kelly, If you think consulting with a mental health professional might help you, please use our directory to find a good fit. You can search in your area by entering your city or ZIP code into the search field on this page: Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. You may click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. If you need help finding a therapist, you are welcome to call us. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Mountain Time, and our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext 3. Kind regards, The GoodTherapy Team

  • Guest

    July 22nd, 2021 at 2:39 PM

    It is a real shame that my ex wife turned out to be a real filthy low life, since at that time that i was married which i was the very faithful and committed one in the relationship. And i did love her very much at the time, thinking that i was going to spend the rest of my life with her as well. Women are very good these days breaking many men’s hearts, and i know other friends that had it happened to them as well. What is very sad today is that the great majority of women cause most divorces, and they’re without a doubt such low life losers altogether too. And meeting another woman again is very difficult now for many of us single men too, now that Feminism is everywhere these days

  • KB318

    August 18th, 2021 at 2:53 AM

    Ok have to jump in here and say that half this list was well debated by surviving marriage members, who salvaged most the married groups helpful comments to suffering people going through the same similar situations advocated for on this list, leaving me to ponder this probably being horrible advice from the same site since many or I’ll have ruined most my own relationships let me at least try to clear things up for honest hurting folks, people leave for 1 simple reason so both sides pay attention so your aware of what’s up what you are really doing and choosing simple really they want to get that? People, most of us humans are simply selfish. Think I’ll skip the newsletter ty anyway

  • Johanna

    August 13th, 2022 at 12:58 AM

    after reading some comments This made me

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