We’ve all heard the stereotype of the dumb jock, but a new study suggests that high school sports may actually be good for students’ brains. About 55% of high school students are athletes, and between 23% and 40% of all high school students report feelings of stress, depression, or anxiety. Students may be able to reduce these feelings by participating in sports, and the study suggests that high school sports participation may even have long-term mental health benefits.

High School Sports and Mental Health

The study surveyed nearly 850 students attending 10 different Canadian schools. Students completed surveys about sports participation every year for their five years of secondary school. Then, three years after graduation, researchers asked students about symptoms of depression and stress levels. Students were also asked to rate their mental health on a scale of 1 to 5.

Students who had a history of high school sports participation did better on all three measures of mental health than students who did not play sports. They had lower rates of depression, less stress, and perceived their mental health to be better. Researchers aren’t sure why high school sports positively benefited mental health in the students. They speculate, though, that increased social activity, a connection to their schools, and the chance to bond with their peers may all help reduce the risk of mental health challenges. 

Other Benefits of High School Sports

The latest study isn’t the only one to show major mental health benefits for high school athletes. Previous research has shown that high school sports participation can confer the following mental health benefits:[fat_widget_right]

• A reduced risk of teen pregnancy.
• A decreased likelihood of using drugs such as cocaine and marijuana.
• Higher self-esteem, with student athletes about three times as likely as non-athletes to say they feel good about themselves.
• Feeling socially accepted. Athletes have better social skills and are more likely to say their friends care about them.
• Better grades and test scores.

References:

1. Jewett, Rachel; Sabiston, Catherine M.; Brunet, Jennifer; O’Loughlin, Erin K.; Scarapicchia, Tanya; O’Loughlin, Jennifer. (2014, June 11). School Sport Participation During Adolescence and Mental Health in Early Adulthood. Journal of Adolescent Health. DOI: 10.1016/j.jadohealth.2014.04.018
2. National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy. (2007, July 26). Not Just Another Single Issue: Teen Pregnancy and Athletic Involvement. Retrieved from http://www.education.com/reference/article/Ref_Not_Just_Another/
3. Sports Promote Psychological and Emotional Health. (2013). DatalysCenter. Retrieved from http://datalyscenter.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/Sports-Promote-Psychological-Emotional-Health.pdf
4. Study shows high school athletes perform better in school, persist to graduation more than non-athletes. (2014, January 24). Retrieved from http://news.ku.edu/2014/01/15/study-shows-high-school-athletes-performed-better-school-persisted-graduation-more-non

If you like to listen to music, you’re probably familiar with the intense flurry of emotion that can come when you hear a song that precisely fits the mood you’re in—a song that perfectly captures what you’re thinking and feeling. You might have organized playlists to turn to in order to create such an experience, securing instant access to songs that can meet your needs.

You’re not alone if one of those playlists is suited for heartache. Many of us turn to music after breakups, whether this music is muffled from under a tear-soaked blanket, blasted through running earbuds, or belted from the diaphragm.

A breakup is a loss, so it evokes everything that comes with loss: confusion, denial, longing, anger, depression, despair. Through all this chaos, heartbreak can magnify our needs for comfort, support, and understanding. One way we can meet those needs is through music.

Pain Relief: How Music Supports You at the End of the Road

For decades, researchers have been examining the pain-relieving effects of music, and for good reason: a considerable amount of research supports the notion that music can have positive effects on listeners in pain.

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In one study, published in 2006, Mitchell and McDonald induced pain by having participants immerse their hands in ice water. They found participants who listened to music of their choosing could withstand pain for significantly longer than those who listened to music chosen by the experimenters or no music at all. In a 2008 study, Mitchell, McDonald, and Knussen found listening to music also decreased study participants’ levels of anxiety when the researchers induced pain.

Researchers are investigating the mechanics underlying the impact of music on coping with pain. In a 2010 study by Salimpoor et al., participants were asked to bring along music they found moving. The researchers then examined functional MRI scans of participants and found significant increases of dopamine, the neurotransmitter involved in reward and pleasure, in the brain at the moments that participants were deeply moved by the music they chose. The dopamine increase started even in preceding moments, when the participants started to anticipate these poignant parts of their songs.

Have you ever gotten the chills while listening to music? Salimpoor et al. suggest this dopamine rush is responsible.

Music can have soothing and moving effects on us, including actual physiological reactions in our brains. Neuroscientists are continuing to research this topic, learning more about the way music affects our brains and shapes our experiences. But what we know so far indicates what many of us recognize intuitively: listening to music you love can alleviate some of the hurt in your heart.

Why, then, are we drawn specifically to breakup music? If any music we enjoy can give us a dopamine boost, why do we look to breakup songs to help us feel a little better?

Song Lyrics: How Words Remind Us We Will Survive

Have you ever been so overwhelmed with feelings you just didn’t want to talk about them? Intense emotion can make you feel lost—stuck in a place where you may not know how to tame the tornado of thoughts and feelings inside of you and order them into tidy words.

The lyrics of a good breakup song can help you express thoughts and feelings often difficult to articulate otherwise. You may not even know how you feel before you hear it stated perfectly in a song. At a time when it can be difficult to organize your thoughts—let alone communicate them to others—hearing, “How can you mend a broken heart?” can suddenly give you clarity about the anguish you’ve been dealing with: it’s a broken heart! The lyrics of a song can bring unresolved, unspoken, unknown thoughts to the surface and bring you closer to understanding what is happening inside of you.

On top of realizing how you are feeling, it can be powerfully validating to hear someone express thoughts and feelings similar to yours. You learn even though you are hurting, you are not alone in an abyss of misery built only for you. You’re grieving, and that’s a human reaction to losing love. That experience doesn’t isolate you. In fact, it connects you to the people around you.

Coldplay and Carole King and Lauryn Hill can help you remember that.

References:

1. Mitchell, L. A., & MacDonald, R. A. (2006). An experimental investigation of the effects of preferred and relaxing music listening on pain perception. Journal of Music Therapy, 43(4), 295-316.
2. Mitchell, L. A., MacDonald, R. A., & Knussen, C. (2008). An investigation of the effects of music and art on pain perception. Psychology of Aesthetics, Creativity, and the Arts, 2(3), 162-170.
3. Salimpoor, V. N., Benovoy, M., Larcher, K., Dagher, A., & Zatorre, R. J. (2011). Anatomically distinct dopamine release during anticipation and experience of peak emotion to music. Nature Neuroscience, 14, 257-262. doi:10.1038/nn.2726

Thank you for your honest question. If anyone were to tell you that you’re “going straight to hell” for this, believe me, you’d have plenty of company on the way down—and an especially good chunk of the male population ages 15-25. My first thought was “he’s in high school or college,” when hormones have pretty much taken over, especially for men.

But the shame you refer to indicates that this is more of a psychological than physical issue; it’s as if you’re violating some strict “rule” by pleasuring yourself, which (again) is natural. It’s sad when I hear of people who can’t enjoy this; nature clearly intended this, or we wouldn’t be so powerfully stimulated by genital contact. I wonder what “commandment” or prohibition you are “breaking” by self-stimulating? Because of the intensity of the feelings here, you might want to seek out a therapist or counselor to sort out why you feel such strong self-loathing after masturbating. I would bet, in fact, that the intensity of the self-loathing creates a need for relief—and thus the compulsion to do it a second time, which then, of course, only stokes the angry “inner critic.”

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I would wonder, if you or someone else were to bring this issue to my office, if the voice of criticism might in fact exist before the act, and thus create a need to feel good in a way that is self-activated. Whose voice is this? A critical parent or caretaker? When did it start? What is the “crime” being committed here? Are you ignoring something else you “should” be doing instead? I would also be curious about the attitudes around sex in your family of origin. Was it seen as something “dirty” or wrong? Or maybe it wasn’t even talked about, creating a kind of unspoken shame around the topic; it could also be you are inheriting shame around sex and pleasure from implicit or explicit family beliefs.

Sometimes such intensely self-hating emotions come when there has been some kind of overt or covert abuse, physical or emotional. I am not suggesting this is the case here, only that sometimes in my clinical work, I find an association of good sexual feelings with shame over an earlier boundary violation, subtle or severe. Of course, any intensive criticism you might have received, about what you are doing in private with your own body, would constitute a boundary violation of its own.

The other thing I’d want to explore is the question of whether masturbation is the only way to bring some kind of embodied, out-of-your-head relief or pleasure to yourself. Sometimes folks with obsessive minds pursue repetitive means of relieving an overburdened or tired mind. If you feel you have no choice but to masturbate, or if it drains you of necessary energy to complete the tasks of living (work, play, socializing), then you might be caught in a compulsive activity which might necessitate a therapeutic intervention. (I could be wrong, but my sense is that yours is not a compulsive or addictive issue, since those with sexual compulsions usually reflect more ambivalence or torn feelings than your letter indicates.)

The danger isn’t so much the “wrongness” of the act itself, in my view; it’s the long-term effects of shame and self-loathing over bringing pleasure to yourself, and possibly sexual activity, which might inhibit intimacy and get in the way of developing satisfying romantic relationships—either concerning sex itself or shame over your habit. (I wonder if shame might also be felt in other areas where you seek personal satisfaction, like career, creativity, etc.) Shame about sex tends to create defenses that can keep others away, with heartbreaking results, when those we care about feel pushed away.

Good for you for having the courage to write in about such a sensitive issue; it’s not only a common pleasurable activity, it’s relatively common to question whether it’s OK to do. You needn’t feel shame about the need to get some guidance on this, especially if balanced, non-shaming guidance was missing in earlier years.

Kindest regards,
Darren

Today’s world is filled with messages on how to date, but frankly, most of what we hear is creating heartache after heartache for women. After even one heartbreak, a woman might find herself distancing herself emotionally, having problems connecting, or experiencing trust issues.

The examples in pop culture are numerous. On this past season of ABC’s The Bachelor, for example, viewers watched as women became physically involved with the leading man. In the words of one participant, when they kissed, all the issues in her mind “disappeared.” Several women during the season described delving into a fast, physical relationship, while the emotional relationship was missing something.

What we are seeing is that many women are first looking for a physical connection and then asking themselves: Do I really like him? Are we really compatible? Do we really want the same things in life? Unfortunately, once we develop a strong physical or sexual connection and become infatuated, our brains start to convince many of us that the answers to the above questions are yes, when in fact they may be no.

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Why does this happen? According to researcher Helen E. Fisher, individuals who are “falling in love” experience elevated concentrations of central dopamine and norepinephrine along with lower levels of serotonin, which tends to mean they obsessively focus their thoughts and attentions on one another and, more importantly, on their partner’s positive attributes rather than the negative ones (p. 416). Once that “falling” feeling has diminished, as it generally does over the next few months, individuals begin to notice deficits more rapidly than before.

So now we have a situation where a woman is emotionally invested and connected with a man, but experiences confusion about whether they are actually compatible or share the same values or goals. To protect her heart, she tries to convince herself that they are a good match and that they want the same things in life. But she may still hear that “little voice” telling her that something is not right.

Ladies! Consider the following advice to protect your heart, make smart dating decisions, and more easily find the person you may be searching for:

1. Take the physical relationship slowly. Very slowly. Even kissing.
2. Get to know him deeply. Find out if you share the same life goals and values. What kind of lifestyle does he envision? What are his thoughts on marriage and commitment? (Hint: If he tells you he has commitment issues and you are looking for commitment, then back away now.) Do you share the same family values? Do you see eye to eye on religion and spirituality? These are the types of answers you want.
3. Believe that you can know whether you have chemistry with him before you are physical. Many people ask me, “But if we do not have a sexual relationship at first, how do I know if we will have sexual chemistry?” Do you long to kiss him? Do you want to reach out and hug him? Do you stare into each other’s eyes? If the answer to these questions is yes, then you can relax your anxiety because you do, in fact, have sexual chemistry. You can work on whatever sexual issues may arise once you have built a solid relationship.
4. If a little voice inside of you is telling you that it’s not right, pay attention to that voice and try to figure out why it feels that way. What is it saying? What are the red flags you are picking up? Why are you staying in a relationship if your gut is telling you it’s not right? Are you afraid of being alone? Do you wonder if you will ever find Mr. Right?
5. Be OK with being alone for a while. If you have a need to be in a relationship, you may settle or convince yourself that he is what you want out of fear of going without anyone. While you’re with Mr. Wrong, you won’t be emotionally available and open to meeting Mr. Right.

If we take care to protect our hearts and open ourselves up safely and slowly, we will reduce our possibility of getting hurt. Opening yourself up too much, too quickly may create a pattern of distrust or emotional guardedness with others, making it hard for you to find “the one,” even if he is standing right in front of you. Taking the time to open yourself up slowly and protecting your body and feelings will let you lead with your head so that your heart can follow.

Reference:

1. Fisher, H. E., Aron, A., Mashek, D., Li, H., and L. Brown (2002). Archives of Sexual Behavior. Vol. 31, No. 5. Pp. 413-419.

Over the course of a decade working therapeutically with adolescents and their families, I have observed countless young people as they reach a highly anticipated milestone in their lives: turning 18. I have also observed the parents of all those young people as they attempt to adjust to the transition that occurs when their “baby” officially becomes an adult. It has been my experience that a child’s 18th birthday is an especially potent event for families, and the ways in which families respond to this event, for better or worse, can form the basis for the launching of their child into young adulthood.

Of course, we all know why the 18th birthday is a really big deal: it’s the one on which Western culture bestows young people with most of the rights they will enjoy for the rest of their lives. These rights include moving about at will without restrictions, curfews, or the like; choosing friends and partners of whom the parents may not approve; signing contracts such as military enlistments, marriage certificates, and leases; borrowing money via loans and credit cards; obtaining or declining medical and mental health care; and quitting or enrolling oneself in educational programs.

Along with those rights, a number of new responsibilities are also bestowed upon each young person on his or her 18th birthday. For example, the young adult must actually uphold any contract that is signed, including paying back loans and lines of credit. Another new responsibility is that, legally, a person—even one who is still in high school—is treated as an adult rather than a juvenile within the legal system. The 18-year-old’s behaviors and choices carry consequences that are far and above what they have ever before experienced.

With all of the cultural and personal implications that hang on the 18th birthday, it is no surprise that navigating this milestone can challenge families. This is an event that can change, literally overnight, the power balances, rules, and expectations between parents and children. Families may spend months or even years nervously anticipating this change; conversely, they may be blindsided by the realities of parenting a child in this brand-new context, and find themselves dealing with unexpected consequences.

In some families, the 18th birthday is treated as a full stop to adolescence, and the newly minted adult is expected to (or believes he/she is ready and able to) immediately begin fulfilling many adult-like roles. The adult child may be expected to, for example, begin paying rent to the parents, purchase his or her own vehicle, or find a full-time job.

In other families, the cultural and legal implications of a child’s 18th birthday are treated as irrelevant inside the family fold; the family attempts to keep everything regarding their child, from rules and curfews to roles and communication styles, exactly the same as before.

In still other families, both the anticipation and actual event of a child turning 18 can become a flashpoint for family upheaval and conflicts. The newly adult child may use turning 18 as a springboard for rebellious or ill-advised shows of independence. Likewise, the parents may threaten the adult child with being kicked out, losing financial help, or other withdrawals of support in an attempt to enforce compliance with rules and expectations.

The “real world” is at once enticing and terrifying for emerging adults.

Many young adults have described feeling as if they’ve been thrown into the deep end of a pool once it sinks in that they are truly considered adults, and may often feel quite unprepared to meet the demands of the “real world.” At the same time, they are excited to flex some of their new independence and privileges, and may at times feel driven to act out adult-like roles and scripts the moment that they have the legal ability to do so.

One primary reason for this is that at 18, the young person’s brain is continuing to develop and does not yet function as a fully mature brain does. The brain’s reward system, governing the way that novelty- and pleasure-reinforcing neurotransmitters such as dopamine are released, peaks in activity in the late teen years. The prefrontal cortex—which aids with decision making, problem solving, and impulse inhibition—is not at its full level of function until the mid-twenties. The fact is, a young adult on his or her 18th birthday is not magically wiser, more resourceful, or more emotionally mature than he or she was the day before, and won’t think and act like a fully mature adult until a few years later.

To complicate the picture, there are almost always needs and dependencies that persist between the 18-year-old and his or her parents. For example, an 18-year-old who is still in high school cannot work full time even if he or she wanted to, and even those out of high school usually continue to be financially dependent. Shared health insurance, car insurance, family cell phone plans, and other matters of money and information mean that negotiating the leading edge of your child’s independence can be tricky at best.

Although we in Western societies now experience a more extended period of adolescent development and dependence than ever before, and although we are now more aware of the realities of brain development, the fact is that 18 continues to be the age of majority in the United States. The mismatch between the legal freedoms and the young person’s capacity to exercise them responsibly can create rough waters for families to navigate. Power struggles that exist between the child and the parents around the time of the child’s 18th birthday can quickly escalate into the child threatening to leave, and/or the parents threatening to kick the child out. The child may choose to do things that are legally acceptable, but are not acceptable to the parents who support him or her.

Every family will handle this transition differently, according to its own unique set of strengths, expectations, and history. However, there are a few rules of thumb that parents can keep in mind which may assist them in managing this major milestone.

The boundary around the family must be flexible—neither too diffuse nor too rigid.

First and foremost, resist the urge to threaten to kick your child out. The subject of your young adult child leaving home will often arise sometime within the months around his or her 18th birthday. You may find your child saying things like, “I don’t like your rules. I should go live with my friend where they don’t have these rules.” Often, by talking about (or threatening to) move out, the child is testing out ideas about being an adult, without any actual intention of following through on those ideas. The 18-year-old usually does not have the experience, wisdom, or resources to leave the home in a safe or well-planned way—and he or she knows it.

If your child does threaten to leave home, as the parent it is imperative that your response be one of reassurance that the child is still a part of the family and that the family home continues to be his or her home. Remember that your 18-year-old is struggling to adjust his or her self-concept to include adult-like roles, and mentally trying some of these on for size is developmentally normative. However, when parents respond to limit-testing behaviors by threatening to kick the child out of the home, the child feels insecure about the stability of the family system and his or her role in it; the boundaries become diffuse and the child becomes unsure about whether he or she can count on remaining a part of the family on which he or she remains largely dependent.

Another problem with parents threatening to kick the child out is that systems under stress tend to escalate to the most intense point of conflict during each conflict cycle. Once parents introduce the possibility of kicking the child out, it is likely to become incorporated into every argument that follows—either by the parents or by the child in anticipation of the parents’ threat. This escalation pattern severely disrupts the stability of the family system.

So it’s important that the boundary around who is in and who is out of the family system remains well-defined so that the young adult child feels secure about his or her place in the world long enough to figure out his or her next steps into adulthood. However, it is also important that the family boundary not be so rigid that it inhibits the child’s necessary practicing of adult-like behaviors in safe and appropriate ways. Families who refuse to allow their 18-year-old to make an increasing number of choices and reach increasing levels of independence can inhibit the development of responsibility, self-sufficiency, and life skills that the young adult child will soon need. Therefore, ongoing adjustments to certain family rules, such as curfews, jobs/bills, and friend/partner choices, are essential.

Use negotiation skills to co-create a new set of roles and rules that meet the needs of all family members.

How, then, can parents approach these transitions? One way to help your child learn how to be an adult is to treat him or her like one—at first emotionally, and later more practically. Speaking respectfully to your child, accepting his or her opinions as valid, and encouraging him or her to do the same to you are ways to introduce your child to adult-like, egalitarian relating. Negotiating new rules, privileges, and responsibilities together—“family meetings” are helpful for this—allows both the parents and the child to mutually create adjustments to the rules that are thoughtful, sensible, and predictable. Many families find it helpful to write down the new rules and display them in the home so that all parties remember them (and remember that they agreed to them!).

If any family member feels that the current rules and expectations are not working, they can call a new family meeting at any time to review and possibly revise them. If parents and child reach an impasse, try to be as creative as possible to find ways to meet the needs of all family members. Young adults may be happy to agree to increasing levels of responsibility in the home in exchange for increasing levels of trust and privilege. The family members should keep in mind that flexibility, communication, and negotiation with a goal of mutual agreement will take them smoothly through this period of transition.

It can be helpful for these discussions to begin well before the 18th birthday, so that there is plenty of time for the family members to think ahead, anticipate, and become mentally ready for the changes to the power balance and expectations that will likely occur. A discussion that occurs over the course of weeks or months is more likely to involve all family members, cover more contingencies and “what-ifs,” and result in a smoother transition through the actual birthday.

However, it is never too late. If you find yourself with a child who is already 18, or even 19 or 20, and are experiencing a difficult family adjustment into your child’s young adulthood, it is still advisable to approach your child and create an open dialogue about the rules and roles in the family.

Financial abundance is largely lauded as a good thing, especially in today’s celebrity- and financial-guru-worshiping society. More money means more security, more possessions, more opportunities, and more success, right?

On the contrary—recent research reveals that money may, in fact, mean more problems for the offspring of wealthy parents. The research, published in the Journal of Development and Psychopathology, found that young people whose parents earn a combined income of $160,000 per year or more experience twice the standard national rate of depression and anxiety than those from less well-to-do families.

Professor Suniya Luthar of Arizona State University, the psychologist responsible for the studies, has spent the past decade researching this subject. In her work with financially privileged children, she has seen firsthand that they are under enormous amounts of pressure to succeed. Unfortunately, the impact of this pressure triggers a significant amount of psychological distress, leading to depression, anxiety, stress, eating and food issues, substance abuse, and other self-harming behaviors.

The pressures faced by children and adolescents who fall into this household income range primarily revolve around academic achievements and extracurricular activities and accomplishments. After-school activities like sports, music, and the arts are meant to be enjoyable and fun. Exercise and creativity are known to be excellent stress relievers and healthy emotional outlets, and when the pressure to excel carries over into these otherwise relaxed areas of life, it follows that young people struggle to maintain a sense of well-being.

On top of high expectations in school and extracurriculars, many of them also face significant social pressure. Though teachers, coaches, instructors, and peers play a part in influencing these overwhelming demands, researchers believe that the driving force behind all the stress is overbearing parents with unreasonable expectations.

Luthar, who has also studied the psychological effects of growing up in impoverished families, stresses in her report that children and teenagers who grow up in low-income households remain at the highest risk for developing serious mental health conditions. However, her hope in publishing these most recent findings is to encourage parents in affluent families to back off a bit where their children’s achievements are concerned.

References:

1. Del Pozo, M. (2013, November 11). ‘Golden press:’ Teenage mental illness soars in wealthy US, UK families. Reuters. Retrieved from http://rt.com/news/rich-uk-children-psychology-545/
2. Narain, J. (2013, November 10). Children from privileged families are more likely to develop mental health problems, reveals new study. DailyMail. Retrieved from http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2497692/Revealed-How-pushy-parents-driving-privileged-children-crime-drug-abuse-relentless-pressure-succeed.html

Most of my blogs over the years have been written for people who are already sexually active and have experience with pivi (penis-in-vagina intercourse). Today I’m going to address young (and perhaps not-so-young) women who are interested in losing their virginity. (I hope guys will read this as well—virgins or not.)

Losing your virginity is not a topic that most of us bandy around in casual conversation. But I’ve been privileged over the years to hear thousands of descriptions, most of them about experiences that were awkward, clumsy, and sometimes painful. It doesn’t need to be that way.

I heartily recommend that your first sexual partner be someone who is gentle and kind, with a good sense of humor. And please, please, please don’t be drunk or high your first time. Take it from me: Couples who do it sober have a happier and safer experience!

Losing your virginity with your sweetheart and soulmate would be a lovely option, but most of us no-longer-virgins are not even in touch with the person we did it with for the first time. One of the keys to having wonderful sex is knowing your own body.

Regular readers may have read comments recently from older women who are enjoying sex more and more the older they become. One reader celebrates post-menopause as a time when she knows her body well enough to say yea or nay in ways that her lover can truly understand. Another writes about discovering new delights about her body as she ages. Whatever your age, consider yourself at the start of a fascinating journey!

If you masturbate, you have an advantage in this department. If you haven’t explored your body this way yet, not to worry. I suggest you try for a time when you have 30 minutes to yourself or when you’re tucked under the covers for bed. First, wash your hands, then moisten your fingers. (I mistyped “finders” here—how perfect!) Let your fingers “find” pleasing places on your body—everywhere except your genitals.

Relax, breathe, and allow yourself to spend at least 10 minutes exploring up and down your body. You might want to imagine that your lover’s fingers/finders are discovering erogenous zones that you weren’t aware of before. Then, let your focus shift to the area between your legs, with your fingers gliding up and down and around your vulva, the outside part of what’s between your legs, as opposed to the vagina, where tampons and penises (sometimes) go.

Next, get your finger extremely wet (saliva works fine) so you can venture inside. Slowly inch your finger inside, allowing yourself to feel what your finger is “finding” inside as well as what your vagina might be feeling. Some women may want to explore more deeply, while others might feel quite nervous and hesitant. If you’re in this camp, this might be a good place to stop for now. Congratulate yourself for taking this important step and consider venturing a bit farther the next time.

If you’re eager to press on, let your finger keep going. Remember to breathe, and continue to ask yourself what your vagina is feeling and experiencing. You might want to consider adding a second finger, especially if you anticipate pivi.

I highly recommend a wonderful book by my colleague Lonnie Barbach, called For Yourself, about masturbation. Female virgins and nonvirgins alike may benefit from carving out pleasurable time “for themselves.”

If all of this seems too overwhelming, maybe it’s not the right time in your life to be losing your virginity. Millions of lesbians will attest that there are numerous ways that you and a partner can enjoy one another sexually without a penis going into your vagina!

Many people may view young adulthood (defined here in the context of age, typically 18 to 25) as one of the most exciting times in a person’s life. Many young adults are graduating from high school and heading off to college—or graduating college and heading into employment. Some young adults are working full-time jobs and getting full-time paychecks for the first time.

Numerous opportunities lie before these young, vibrant individuals. Some are moving out of their parents’ homes and experiencing a new-found freedom—no curfew, no one nagging them to do chores, etc. Young adults are often making their own rules, and more importantly, they are expected to make their own decisions.

Within the transition of “kid” to “adult” lies a multitude of variables that influence how a young person is defined, almost overnight. The change in how a young adult is described semantically (“kid” vs. “adult”) implies and may even dictate expectations. For example, “kids” are not necessarily expected to be employed and earn money to take care of themselves, whereas employment is expected by society for “adults.”

[fat_widget_right]Society has an expectation that young adults graduating high school should have not only decided which college to attend (prior to graduating from high school), but should also have chosen their major, which may dictate the career/employment that will financially sustain them until retirement. Young adults may also feel the pressure or expectation of finding the “perfect” job—or at least one that will pay the rent. This is not so easy in today’s economy.

Yes, the context of a young adult’s life can seemingly—and sometimes literally—change overnight. This change or transition can result in depression or increased anxiety expressed in the form of inability to make decisions or lack of motivation.

Although these new responsibilities and expectations are necessary in becoming a productive and self-sustaining individual, a degree of mindfulness and compassion for young adults should be practiced by parents, caretakers, and mentors. Society may sometimes take for granted that once an individual hits a certain age or reaches a certain milestone, such as high school or college graduation, he or she automatically gets this magical system upgrade and knows how to be an adult. While some individuals glide through this transition, others may have some difficulty.

So how can parents, caretakers, and mentors support this transition? Here are some tips:

1. Acknowledge this important life transition. Don’t take it for granted.
2. Give permission to make mistakes. Young adults are making important decisions about their futures for the first time, and they need to know they do not have to make perfect choices.
3. Be a sounding board without judgment. Give advice only if advice is solicited. Though usually well-intentioned by the advice giver, sometimes the advice receiver can perceive it as doubt in his or her decisions.
4. Step back and let young adults make choices and decisions, even if they appear stuck. If you make decisions for them, it may impede this new decision-making skill that is now required.
5. Consider counseling. Having an outside third party to talk to may be beneficial for young adults who are expressing difficulty with the expectations of this life transition, especially if it is resulting in significant depression or anxiety.

Remember, even those who have been practicing adulthood for decades struggle from time to time. Mindfulness and gentle guidance are keys to support.

Researchers have determined that at least two violent video games, Grand Theft Auto and Call of Duty, seem to have relatively no negative impact on prosocial behavior. Unlike Donkey Kong and Frogger, two tried-and-true nonviolent games that have raised virtually no concern with regards to violent behavior and prosocial attitudes, the onslaught of extremely violent video games that has taken over the thumbs and minds of today’s youth have been troubling parents and social critics for years.

Grand Theft Auto and Call of Duty are two of the most commonly played and criticized. Critics of the games point to research that suggests these activities increase violent behavior in children and decrease social empathy and awareness. But according to a new series of studies conducted by Morgan J. Tear of the School of Psychology at the University of Queensland in Australia, these games have virtually no negative effect on prosocial behavior at all.

Tear performed three separate experiments on a sample of young people to determine how the type of game and the length of playing time would affect prosocial attitudes. After several tests, the participants playing the violent games had almost identical social responses as those playing nonviolent games. When Tear compared the prosocial attitudes of participant after playing classic versus nonclassic video games, the results were the same. Finally, when duration of play was assessed, there were no social attitude differences between those participants who played for short periods of time and those who played for longer durations.

Another interesting finding was that even though the participants’ social attitudes were tested against strangers, they were still deemed prosocial. This finding contradicts existing research that suggests individuals maintain higher prosocial attitudes toward familiar individuals like family members and friends when compared to strangers. Although the findings of this research do not support the theory of antisocial attitudes resulting from violent video games, Tear does not believe public concern is completely unwarranted. “Research on the effects of video game play is of significant public interest,” said Tear. “It is therefore important that speculation be rigorously tested and findings replicated.”

Reference:
Tear, M.J., Nielsen, M. (2013). Failure to demonstrate that playing violent video games diminishes prosocial behavior. PLoS ONE 8(7): e68382. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0068382

Alfred Kinsey reported that men hit their sexual prime in their late teens, while women don’t get that pleasure until their mid-thirties. But does the 60-year-old research that Kinsey conducted still hold true today? Was it even true back then?

According to Dr. Bella Ellwood-Clayton, a sexual anthropologist and author, the results of Kinsey’s research probably did not consider the myriad of other factors that influence sexual peak. Even though measuring the amount of orgasms a person has is a pretty good indicator, is not the only barometer by which to gauge sexual appetite.

Ellwood-Clayton says that at the time of the study, boys were masturbating and 30-something women were probably finding their own identities in stable relationships. For the first time in their lives, they were comfortable with their own sexuality. Today, women are finding this level of comfort at even older ages that extend well into their 50s, 60s, and beyond.

Opportunity is another factor that has a big impact on libido. When the opportunity for sex is unavailable, you can lose your desire. Raising children or being in a hostile or abusive relationship can cause even blazing sexual desires to smolder to ashes. But with the peak in sexual medications and the revival of sexual promiscuity in the older generation, it appears that sexual peaks are based more on social psychology than on physical ability.

Sure, men might have more testosterone than women and younger women might be a little more hormonally balanced than older women. But with hormone replacement therapy, physical health, and the right bed-fellow, people of all ages are reporting great sex drives. And there is an awful lot to be said about sexual maturity, which can add intense pleasure to sexual encounters (think Mrs. Robinson).

Overall, Ellwood-Clayton and other experts think that sexual peaks are not simply biological, but more the result of spiritual, physical, emotional, and biological components all aligning at just the right time. “Sexual prime, then, is the result of ‘sexiness.’ And that,” adds Ellwood-Clayton, “can peak at any age.”

Reference:
Ellwood-Clayton, Bella. (2013). Sexual prime: Fact or fiction. Huffington Post (n.d.): n. pag. Web http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bella-ellwoodclayton/sexual-prime_b_3424410.html

Come September, many young people will be leaving home to go away to college. Students and parents are excited about this new journey. But in addition to the excitement, there is often anxiety about moving out of the comfort zone of home and family. While the focus is often on the separation anxiety the student experiences at this milestone, too often we neglect the parents’ separation anxiety.

From watchfulness to surveillance, parents retain a varying degree of control over their high-school-aged children. But when a child goes off to college, the ability to know what is going on in that child’s life depends on the child’s willingness to communicate and share information. Since it is developmentally appropriate for college-aged children to be separating and individuating from their parents, we can expect that many children will share less than parents might be hoping to learn. Not knowing, in areas where there was previous information, makes parents more anxious.

Parents express many different worries about how their children will manage when the parent is no longer so present in their lives. Anxieties may be about drugs and alcohol, or there are concerns about social and academic problems. Parents with children who may already be dealing with emotional issues, eating disorders, or learning disabilities can feel especially anxious.

It is to be expected that a parent would worry about how their child will manage on their own in college. This is appropriate and shouldn’t be confused with a parent’s separation anxiety. When a parent feels the need to contact the child repeatedly, can’t sleep, can’t stop thinking and wondering how the child might be feeling or what the child is doing, the parent may be experiencing separation anxiety. When we think of the child’s separation anxiety we understand it to be about the feeling that “I won’t be alright without my attachment to my parent.” For the parent, it is much the same: “I won’t be alright without my attachment to my child.” Parents experience their anxiety as being about the worry “Is my child going to be okay?” But what they often fail to be aware of is that they may be even more anxious (consciously or unconsciously) about their own well-being. They wonder, “Am I going to be okay?”

Learning to Detach and Individualize

In my therapy practice, I have had the opportunity to work with many parents who have struggled with the separation and individuation of their children. One father, “Seth,” began therapy when his daughter, “Kristin,” was applying to college. He spent many of his sessions talking about Kristin and her college application process. He was very troubled about Kristin keeping him out of the decision making.

Sadly, with tears in his eyes, Seth told me, “She comes home and closes her door and goes on that computer and researches where she wants to go. Her mom and I ask her about her choices, we tell her we need to be part of the process; we remind her that we will be paying a good part of the tuition. She just gets irritated and says she wants to do this on her own and she’ll let us know what she decides.”

Recently, Seth came into my office for his therapy session looking very distressed. He immediately said, “I can’t believe that girl. All of her college acceptances have come in and she has decided to leave New York and go to school in Arizona. That’s much too far away. We’ll never see her! I told her she couldn’t go and she got so mad. She started screaming at us. She said she hated us, that we were terrible parents and never let her have what she wants! She was so mean!”

Seth started to cry softly and, almost in a whisper, said, “I’m so scared. I love her so much, I can’t stand this. It feels like we’ve lost her forever. She’ll never come home. If I don’t agree to pay, she said she would pay herself. She did get good financial aid from them and I don’t think I can play the money card. What am I going to do?”

I asked Seth, “What makes you think Kristin is lost to you forever?”

Seth answered, “We used to be so close when she was younger. She was daddy’s little girl. Her mom worked more than I did and I took her to soccer, to swimming; I helped her with her homework every day. She would tell me about everything — even the boys she had crushes on! Then in her sophomore year of High School, she got more secretive. She started going out with Jeremy and was becoming more social. I could understand that she needed some space from me. My wife and I used to talk about how grown up she was getting. We started to check what she was doing and who she was talking to on her cell phone and computer. There are a lot of scary possibilities out there. She never found out we were keeping tabs on her, but she started to become easily irritated and annoyed around us. She would get on my wife’s case about the food she was cooking and she gets annoyed with me when I ask her about almost anything.”

Seth began to sob, “I can’t eat, can’t sleep. What will I do without her? She is my only child. So much of how I think about myself has to do with my being a father. If I lose her, can I still be a father? What kind of a father could I be without my daughter?”

I reminded Seth that we had been talking about how it made him anxious to think of his daughter having a life so separate and different from his. A lawyer, Seth had followed his father into the law and joined his father’s practice after completing law school. After he married and Kristin was born, he moved into an apartment in the same building as his parents. He understood that his model of parent-child relationships was a reflection of his own experience.

Seth acknowledged what we had been discussing: “I know I grew up very close to my parents, especially my father. I would never talk to him the way Kristin talks to me. I always respected him and needed him for guidance and that gave me such confidence and comfort. It’s not like I thought Kristin had to become a lawyer, but I did hope she might. But she has no interest in it. She wants to major in art, which is fine, but I really don’t get what her art is about. She makes these things out of paper and wood. I try to act interested, but, really, where is that going to get her? How will she make anything of herself? How can I get her to pay attention to what I think? I’m her father.”

Separation Is Not Rejection

Seth’s struggle illustrates many of the issues parents have to contend with as they try to become less anxious about their children differentiating from them. Seeing one’s child as different, as having a separate self with separate desires and ideals, can give a parent the feeling of being rejected. When parents have this experience it is essential to be clear that difference does not signify a child’s rejection. What keeps parent and child attached is not sameness. Sameness can often give parent and child the feeling of closeness, but a very different kind of attachment occurs when there are two separate, different people who are connected by the feelings they have for each other.

For the parent who has felt this sameness with their child but now recognizes that their child is differentiating, there can be painful and frightening anxiety as they try to figure out how to understand and relate to this separate differentiated person. For parents who have not differentiated from their own parents, this can be especially difficult.

Seth is beginning to consider that he can come to know and appreciate his daughter with all her differences. As he begins to relax with the belief that he can know and love this separate person, he is becoming aware how scared he has been that maybe she wouldn’t continue to love him. Seth is only one example of a parent struggling with separation anxiety. One reason I believe Seth is less anxious now than when we began our work is that he has been able to identify that he is feeling separation anxiety.

Many parents who are worried when their children go off to college, are not aware that they are experiencing an emotion that is not simply based on the practical worries of safety or performance or the well being of their children. They have not recognized that they have been afraid that their children would move away from them emotionally, become different in a way to make their attachment feel less close and loving. Realizing this, thinking about separation and individuation as a developmental necessity, not a personal affront or wrenching loss, can help many parents resolve much of their anxious feelings.

Picture someone with attention-deficit hyperactivity. Odds are good you’re envisioning a child who can’t sit still zooming around his or her classroom, struggling with grades, and driving parents crazy. But ADHD isn’t just for children. Some kids grow out of this diagnosis or develop coping skills, but others continue to struggle as adults—some of whom were never diagnosed as children.

Children have the benefit of existing under the watchful eye of adults who can advocate for their interests. Adults, however, may struggle for years before they realize that their procrastination, difficulty concentrating, and trouble completing tasks are the result of ADHD, not a personal failing.

What Is Adult ADHD?
Adult ADHD is the same issue that children experience, but it can manifest in different forms. Children may struggle with school or making friends, but life-altering consequences from the condition in childhood are rare. In adulthood, however, failing to turn in a presentation, skipping a semester of college, or being unable to listen to a spouse can end in catastrophe. Consequently, adults who have ADHD—particularly if they’re not getting appropriate treatment—may have more dramatic difficulties than children, and often get much less sympathy.

Recognizing Symptoms
Symptoms of adult ADHD may include:

• Difficulty listening to others, trouble responding appropriately in conversation, or focusing on side details rather than the main point of a discussion.
• Procrastination and difficulty planning.
• Extreme disorganization that interferes with functioning; for example, forgetting to deposit checks or failing to bill clients.
• Trouble remaining focused on a task, even an important or fun one.
• Making careless mistakes.
• Zoning out in conversations.
• Anger.
• Restlessness and feeling unable to sit still.
• Impatience.
• Inability to tolerate boredom.
• Frequent fidgeting.
• Alternating between being excessively focused on a task—for example, reading for 12 hours—and being unable to focus on anything.

Adult ADHD and Other Mental Health Conditions
Some people with adult ADHD initially seek help for a different condition, such as depression or anxiety. The frustration ADHD can cause frequently leads to other symptoms. An adult with the issue might have trouble in his or her relationships, struggle to keep a job, have a hard time managing finances, frequently lose his or her temper, or experience low self-esteem. If the symptoms are caused by ADHD, treating depression or anxiety sometimes won’t help, which can add to the frustration.

In other cases, ADHD can co-occur with other mental health issues, and people with ADHD are more likely to be depressed than those without. If you’re experiencing symptoms of two different conditions, it’s often helpful to treat the one that’s causing you the most discomfort first. If your inability to focus is making you depressed, focus on that. But if your procrastination is a small problem and constant feelings of sadness are leaving you hopeless, it may be better to treat depression first.

Getting Help
Medication—including stimulants such as Adderall and Ritalin—and therapy can help people with ADHD, but this doesn’t mean you’ll have to be in treatment for the rest of your life. Simple lifestyle remedies such as staying meticulously organized, planning ahead, meditating, and adopting strategies for focusing can make a big difference. Seek treatment providers who specialize in ADHD. They’re more likely to understand the effects these issues can have on adults, and can recommend successful coping strategies.

References:

1. Adult ADD. (n.d.). Dr Hallowell RSS. Retrieved from http://www.drhallowell.com/add-adhd/adult-add/
2. Adults with ADHD. (n.d.). CHADD. Retrieved from http://www.chadd.org/Understanding-ADHD/Adults-with-ADHD.aspx
3. McGillivray, J., & Baker, K. (2008). Effects of Comorbid ADHD with Learning Disabilities on Anxiety, Depression, and Aggression in Adults. Journal of Attention Disorders,12(6), 525-531. doi: 10.1177/1087054708320438