Person practicing stress management through mindful meditationLearning how to manage stress effectively becomes essential as we navigate life’s constant changes. This gentle stress management approach through self-compassion offers a sustainable path forward.

As the gift of nature and renewal surrounds us, there’s something comforting about its predictability amidst change. The coolness of the mornings, gentle unfurling of leaves, the first brave blooms pushing through soil—these reliable transformations offer reassurance even as everything shifts.

I’ve been reflecting on how we might find similar comfort in new situations that arise, especially during stressful moments or times in our lives. When uncertainty feels overwhelming, where can we discover that same sense of grounding?

This contemplation has drawn me deeper into exploring our inner worlds. Don’t you find that sometimes our minds also crave that same sense of renewal?

Understanding Stress as a Universal Human Experience

As life happens and we begin to feel the feels, it’s a time to begin to be honest about something we all navigate in our own unique ways: Stress.

Even though stress can feel so intensely personal – that knot in your stomach, the racing thoughts that keep you up at night – it’s also something that connects us all. We might not always see it in each other, but stress is a shared part of the human experience.

Instead of chasing an idea of a completely stress-free life (which can feel like another thing to stress about!), let’s explore a different path together. What if we learned to relate to stress management in a new way?

How to Manage Stress and Shift Your Perspective on it

SHIFT YOUR PERSPECTIVE:

At the heart of it, we’re all figuring this out as we go.

Self-Compassion Techniques for Stress Relief

Have you ever noticed how our minds can sometimes be our own toughest critics when we’re feeling stressed? It’s like that inner voice can get really loud and, at times, not very helpful.

Gently reframing your negative thoughts can be empowering and supportive to manage stress and build self-compassion.

For those facing particularly challenging times, these crisis management strategies can provide additional support alongside self-compassion practices.

Practical Examples of Self-Compassionate Inner Dialogue

For instance, if you catch yourself thinking: “I can’t just can’t handle all of this.”

Maybe you can try shifting that to something like: “This is a really challenging time, and I’m feeling it. But I also know I have inner strength and I’ll find a way through.”

Or when those tough days feel overwhelming and you think: “This is absolutely the worst day ever.”

Perhaps you can also acknowledge: “This is a really difficult moment, and it’s okay to feel this way. Even in tough times, there might be small things I can still appreciate.”

The Balance of Gentle and Fierce Self-Compassion

It’s not about pretending everything is perfect. It’s about taking a glimpse at living as if and finding a slightly different, more self-compassionate lens to look through. Self-compassion for anxiety and stress isn’t just about being gentle with ourselves when things are tough; it also is about a deeper inner strength.

That gentle part is about acknowledging when we’re feeling drained or overwhelmed, allowing ourselves to feel it without judgment. It’s about giving ourselves permission to rest and recharge, rather than pushing through until we burn out.

But then there’s that fierce side – the courage to set boundaries, to say “no” to things that aren’t serving us, to really honor our own needs and protect our well-being.

Why Self-Compassion Works for Stress Management

Self-compassion isn’t a magic wand that makes stress disappear. Self-compassion is an act of real self-care that helps us navigate the challenges of life with a little more grace and a lot more inner strength. It lightens the load and reminds us that we’re worthy of kindness.

Embracing a Compassionate Approach to Mental Wellness

As we embrace this season of growth and renewal, I truly hope you’ll join me in exploring what a compassionate approach to stress might look like for you.

It’s about nurturing well-being from the inside out, acknowledging the very real challenges we all face, and remembering that we deserve our own understanding and care along the way.

Explore More Resources:

GoodTherapy | Self-Growth: Depression in Mental HealthDepression is a mental health disorder that affects people of all ages and backgrounds. It can cause feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and worthlessness, and can interfere with daily life. While depression is a common problem, it is important to seek help in order to overcome it and improve your mental health. 

One way to address depression is through therapy. Therapy involves talking with a professional therapist the process can help you explore your thoughts and emotions, and develop coping skills to manage your depression. There are many types of therapy, including cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), psychodynamic therapy, and interpersonal therapy. Each type of therapy has its own benefits, and your therapist can help you determine which type of therapy is best suited for your needs. 

Therapy can help you develop a better understanding of your thoughts and emotions, and can help you identify negative thought patterns that may be contributing to your depression. It can also help you learn coping skills to manage your symptoms and can provide a safe space to talk about your feelings and experiences. 

In addition to therapy, there are many other ways to address depression and improve your mental health. Here are a few tips to help you get started: 

Take care of your physical health. Exercise, eat a healthy diet, and get enough sleep.

These habits can help improve your mood and overall well-being.  

Practice mindfulness or meditation to help manage negative thoughts and emotions. 

Stay connected with others. Reach out to friends and family for support, and consider joining a support group or community organization. 

Practice self-care. Take time to do things that make you happy, such as reading, listening to music, or taking a relaxing bath. 

Limit Alcohol and drug use, as they can worsen depression symptoms 

Consider medication under the guidance of a health care professional if necessary. 

Set goals for yourself. Working towards a goal can give you a sense of purpose and accomplishment, which can help improve your mood. 

Be patient with yourself and recognize that recovering takes time. 

Remember, depression is a treatable condition. With the right support and treatment, you can overcome your depression and improve your mental health. If you are struggling with depression, don’t hesitate to reach out for help. Your mental health is important, and there is help available to you. 

Self-growth  

Self-growth is a lifelong journey of personal development and improvement. Here are some ways to foster self-growth. 

Self-Reflection: Regularly reflect on your strengths, weaknesses, values, and goals to gain insights into areas of growth. 

Step out of your comfort zone. Challenge yourself to try new things, take risks, and face fears to develop resilience. 

Set goals. Establish clear, achievable goals that are valuable to you and take consistent steps towards attainment. 

Continue learning: embrace new opportunities to learn new skills, and knowledge through reading and workshops. 

Self-compassion: Practise self-companion and kindness towards yourself, especially during challenging times, to recognize that goals take time and effort. patience is the key. 

Mindfulness practice. cultivate mindfulness through meditation, yoga, and other practices to increase self-awareness emotional regulation, and presence in the moment. 

 Nurture relationships: surround yourself with Supportive friends and individuals who are supportive and encourage personal growth. 

 Embrace failure: View failure as an opportunity for growth and learning rather than setbacks and extract lessons from setbacks to inform future actions. We learn through mistakes. 

Celebrate progress. Acknowledge and celebrate your Achievement and milestone along the way, no matter how small, to reinforce positive momentum and motivation. 

Insight: 

 In my years of working with clients struggling with their depression, I have observed common themes of perfectionism exacerbating their symptoms. 

Many clients I have worked with tend to hold themselves to impossibly high standards leading to feelings of inadequacy and despair when they inevitably fall short of their own expectations. 

Through therapy, I have found that helping client cultivate self-companion is often a key component in their journey toward healing. By encouraging clients to practice self-kindness, mindfulness, and acceptance, they can begin to challenge their negative self-talk and develop a more balanced and forgiving perspective toward themselves. 

One thing that has been particularly effective in my practice is cognitive restructuring, where clients learn to identify and challenge their distorted thoughts and beliefs. By exploring the evidence for and against their self-critical thoughts and compassionate understanding of themselves and their experiences.  

Incorporating self-compassion into therapy fosters emotional resilience and well-being and empowers clients to embrace their vulnerabilities and learn from their struggles. 

NOTE. Self-growth is a continuous process, so be patient, persistent, and open to the journey of becoming the best version of yourself 

In conclusion, 

Self-growth and depression are interconnected, and therapy can play a crucial role in helping you overcome depression and achieve self-growth. By working with a therapist, you can develop a better understanding of your thoughts and emotions and can learn coping skills to manage your symptoms. In addition to therapy, there are many other ways to address depression and improve your mental health. Taking care of your physical health, staying connected with others, practicing self-care, and setting goals for yourself are all important steps towards improving your mental health and achieving self-growth. Remember, you are not alone in your struggles, and there is help available to you. 

What to Do When the Person You're Disappointed in Is You

What to Do When the Person You’re Disappointed in Is You

We’re almost two months into the new year, yet many of us have already disappointed ourselves. Maybe we’ve dropped the ball on the New Year’s resolutions we set just eight short weeks ago. We all hoped that 2021 would be better, a fresh start after a rough 2020, but so far, this year has given us plenty of new hard things to deal with. Perhaps we’re frustrated with how we haven’t changed much either in the last couple of months. So what do you do when the person that you’re disappointed in is you? 

3 Unhealthy Responses to Feeling Like You’re Disappointed in Yourself

#1 Punishing Yourself

When you are experiencing frustration with your choices or decisions, you may punish yourself. Self-punishment comes in many forms, like restricting yourself from enjoying good things, rejecting others’ praise, or engaging in negative self-talk. Sometimes people even perform self-harming acts in order to punish themselves. This type of response to coming up short often occurs when you are overwhelmed with guilt or even self-hatred. This is not a helpful or constructive coping mechanism, but it is not uncommon. 

If you’re stuck in a cycle of self-punishment, there’s no shame in reaching out for help. To search for a therapist in your area, click here.

#2 Denial

Sometimes when you’re disappointed in yourself, you choose denial as a response. This is essentially the decision to not talk about your failure, to pretend that it never happened. Denying either that you ever set the goal in the first place or that you strayed from it will not help you improve or achieve. You must be honest with yourself (and others, where appropriate) if you want to grow. 

#3 Giving Up

Giving up is a very common response to being disappointed in yourself. When you set goals for yourself, you expect to complete them; when faced with your own failures, it may seem logical to give up. We are often harsh and judgmental with ourselves. It’s as if we have decided that only complete perfection is worth striving for. One mistake or failure is enough to disqualify the value of all our efforts. And that’s simply untrue. We don’t always meet our own standards, even when we’ve set realistic goals, but an “all or nothing” approach to our goals is not conducive to progress. 

5 Healthy Alternatives

#1 Pause

If you feel yourself slipping into a disappointed mindset, you should pause. Often, our own failures trigger our fight, flight, or freeze response. Take some deep breaths, give yourself space to think, and calm down. Think about the situation in front of you rationally and thoughtfully so you can remain objective.

#2 Use It

If you are disappointed in your actions, use that disappointment as an impetus to find a solution or try again. This is an opportunity for you to shift toward self-compassion and self-love. You are a human who makes mistakes, just like we all are. What matters in this moment is how you choose to move forward. Use your disappointment as a catalyst to make good choices.

   2.A Explore

To make positive changes, you may need to spend some time in introspection. Ask yourself questions about why and how you disappointed yourself. How did the circumstances affect your choices? Do your goals or their implementation need to be reexamined? Take this opportunity to learn more about yourself, your tendencies, and who you want to be.

   2.B Plan

Once you understand how you ended up in this situation, you can make a plan to get back on track and avoid disappointment in the future. Your plan should be realistic to the demands of your life and involve small, attainable steps for you to get there. Think ahead of potential challenges that could derail your goals and how you will tackle them. Set yourself up for future success. 

#3 Name Your Feelings

Your feelings matter and are valid. Being disappointed in yourself when things do not go well is normal. Name your feelings, accept them, and then make positive decisions about how to move forward. As we noted before, denial is unhelpful. By identifying and feeling your emotions associated with failure and disappointment, you are equipping yourself to move forward with those feelings resolved, rather than just shoved into a corner of your heart and ignored as long as possible. 

#4 Practice Self-Compassion

Chances are, you will make more mistakes, you will fail again, you will disappoint yourself because you are human. The best thing you can offer yourself in those moments is self-compassion. Self-compassion helps us accept our mistakes as learning and growth opportunities that help us in the future. Start growing the habit of self-compassion now. 

#5 Get Help

If you are struggling to move past being disappointed in yourself or engaging in self-destructive behaviors, a therapist can be an excellent resource and support. Together, you can work on dismantling unhelpful thoughts and habits and embracing new, positive replacements. 

 

A therapist can help you develop healthy coping mechanisms as you deal with self-disappointment. To find a therapist in your area, click here.

Person with long hair wearing jacket and shorts sits alone on mountaintop looking into distance

Ending a relationship and letting go can be incredibly difficult no matter how toxic it is. Part of this is for simple biological reasons, as recent scientific studies have shown that being in love activates the same reward pathways in the brain as addictive substances like cocaine.

Brain scans of lovers and people experiencing substance addiction both display increased activity in the pleasure centers of the brain (most notably the dopamine centers) and decreased activity in the frontal lobe, which is the area responsible for cognition. This means that while falling in love can make us feel good, it can also profoundly affect our judgment.

While researchers have found overlaps between romantic attachment and addiction-related brain activity, healthy human bonding is not inherently pathological. Neurochemicals such as dopamine and oxytocin help create emotional attachment and connection. In unhealthy or inconsistent relationships, however, these same reward systems can contribute to intense emotional dependence and make it harder to leave, especially when affection and distress occur in cycles.

It is for this reason that love can sometimes be compared to an addiction. In love, much like addiction, there may be negative side effects such as abuse or gaslighting. But despite all of those bad circumstances, it can still be difficult to kick the romantic attraction and feelings of love when letting a relationship go.

Not all unhealthy relationships look the same. Some relationships may involve poor communication or codependent patterns, while others may include emotional abuse, manipulation, coercion, or trauma bonding. The process of leaving and healing can look very different depending on the dynamics involved, and some situations may require additional support or safety planning.

If you find yourself feeling trapped in a relationship you know is not healthy, consider these 15 tips for letting go of it for good:

1. Recognize the Problem

Awareness is the first step. Educate yourself or consider talking to a therapist or counselor about what constitutes an unhealthy relationship. Take a good, hard, and objective look at your relationship and be honest with yourself.

Ask yourself these questions:

If you answered yes to any of these questions, consider ending or talking to a professional about the relationship.

2. Allow Yourself to Feel

Find a Therapist

Letting go of a relationship is usually not easy. It can be painful to end a relationship even if the relationship was not serving your highest good. Honor any feelings of grief you may have, and allow yourself to feel those emotions rather than attempting to suppress them. What people often experience as “missing them” may also involve emotional withdrawal and a dysregulated nervous system. In relationships marked by inconsistency, conflict, or intermittent reinforcement, the brain and body can become conditioned to cycles of emotional highs and lows. The urge to reconnect often intensifies when the discomfort feels overwhelming, not necessarily because the relationship was healthy. Accept grief as a part of the experience, and allow yourself the time you need to heal.

man hiking alone e1463004528860

3. Discover the Lesson

Many people reflect on past relationships to better understand themselves and their patterns. However, not everyone is ready to take meaning from the experience right away, and that’s okay. Sometimes healing first needs to come before insight. If and when you feel ready, consider asking yourself what the relationship revealed about your needs, boundaries, values, or hopes for future relationships.

In life, lessons may often be repeated until they are learned. Look for the lesson from this relationship and you may be less likely to carry the same lesson over into your next relationship.

4. Create Separation

It can be hard to distance yourself from someone you’re used to spending so much time with, but it is usually necessary if you want to move on from the relationship. This doesn’t mean you can’t maintain a friendship with your ex, but it’s usually best to allow some time for both parties to heal before you try to spend time together as friends.

For some people, especially in relationships involving manipulation, repeated boundary violations, or trauma bonding, a period of no contact may be necessary to allow emotional healing and nervous system regulation. In other situations, limited contact may be more realistic, particularly when co-parenting, shared responsibilities, or practical concerns are involved. Creating space can help you gain clarity and reduce the emotional intensity that often keeps unhealthy dynamics going.

5. Let Go of the Mementos

It can be tempting to hang on to all the old relics of a past relationship. Doing so, however, may prevent you from moving on with your life. If you must keep the old love letters, movie ticket stubs, photos, or romantic gifts, you may want to store them somewhere out of sight until you’re ready to move on.

6. Take Off Your Love Goggles

Love often has a way of clouding your perception, which sometimes makes it difficult to see someone for who they really are. If you really want to get out of an unhealthy relationship, you must be willing to take off your love goggles and look at the person objectively. Consider talking with a close family member or friend or even finding a therapist to help you look at the relationship impartially.

It’s common to hold onto isolated moments of connection while minimizing larger behavioral patterns. When you slow things down and look at the relationship over time, the overall dynamic often becomes clearer. Ask yourself whether the relationship consistently felt emotionally safe, respectful, and supportive, not just whether there were occasional good moments.

It isn’t uncommon to only hold on to the good memories of an ex and completely shut out the bad memories. Maintain your perspective by remembering both sides of the experience. Remind yourself of the good times, but don’t forget those bad times or you could end up forgetting why you ended the relationship in the first place.

7. Compose a Letter to Your Ex

Consider writing out all your feelings in a letter, even if you have no intention of sending it. You can choose to give this letter to your former partner or destroy it when you’re finished. The point of the letter is to allow you to release your feelings. Writing or journaling can help you reflect on the relationship as a whole, while giving you a way to further your mental and emotional wellness.

ThinkstockPhotos sb10061547eh 001

8. Focus On Empowering Yourself

Try your best to shift focus off the relationship and back to yourself. Consider trying new things or putting your energy into a hobby you’ve neglected. Remembering why the relationship was unhealthy and focusing on what it is you do want in a relationship can be empowering.

After an unhealthy relationship, many people realize they lost parts of themselves along the way. You may reconnect with interests, friendships, goals, or aspects of your identity that became smaller during the relationship. Rebuilding your sense of self is often an important part of healing.

Most importantly, work on your relationship with yourself. Focus on cultivating self-love and respect. Remind yourself that you are worthy of love and that you deserve a healthy relationship.

9. Rewrite Your Story

We often tend to place the weight of our identities into our self-professed life stories. We believe we are what we continually tell ourselves. Examine your story and rewrite it in a more empowering way to start making positive changes in your life.

If you continually tell yourself you lost your soul mate and you’re destined to be alone, you might struggle to hang on to a relationship that is no longer serving you. Reframe your story and consider the fact this relationship may have just been one step on the journey toward an even better relationship in the future.

10. Practice Forgiveness

Release any feelings of guilt or regret you have surrounding the relationship. Forgive yourself for anything that happened in the past because you can no longer change it. You can only move forward and learn from it.

Forgiveness is often a gradual process and should not be rushed. For some people, trying to forgive too quickly can bypass important feelings such as anger, grief, or betrayal. Forgiveness does not mean excusing harmful behavior or abandoning accountability. Instead, it may eventually involve loosening your emotional attachment to the pain or dynamic so you can move forward more freely.

11. Live in the Present Moment

Life exists in the present moment and healing is rarely linear. Many people move forward, then revisit old feelings, memories, or urges before continuing to heal again. Experiencing setbacks or moments of doubt does not mean you are failing or that ending the relationship was the wrong decision. Choose to live in the present rather than getting lost in nostalgia. Often, people stay in a relationship that is no longer healthy because they are clinging to the past. Judge your relationship based on how it is at present rather than how it once was.

12. Accept What Is

We must be able to accept things as they are if we want to move forward. Many people remain in relationships that are unhealthy hoping they can somehow change their partner. It is important to remember you cannot change anyone, especially if they have no willingness to change themselves. If the relationship isn’t working for you, then you have the choice to leave and move on. That is something you can change.

senior couple disagreement

13. Contribute to a Cause You Care About

If you’re having trouble letting go of the past, consider getting involved in a cause you feel passionate about. Doing this can not only occupy your time and mind as you process feelings and let go of the relationship, but it can also help shift your focus to something bigger than yourself. Recent research has shown volunteering can significantly improve overall well-being, with benefits including reduced mortality, increased functioning, and better social connections. This can provide perspective and help you feel good as you also help your community.

14. Practice Self-Care

Most importantly, work on your relationship with yourself. Focus on cultivating self-love and respect. Remind yourself that you are worthy of love and that you deserve a healthy relationship. Letting go isn’t easy, and it isn’t uncommon to forget our own physical and emotional health after a painful breakup. The grief can be overwhelming and we may start to neglect our own needs, as emotional pain activates the same brain regions involved in processing physical pain.

During and after unhealthy relationships, the nervous system can remain in a heightened state of stress or emotional activation. Gentle routines, consistent sleep, movement, time outdoors, mindfulness practices, and supportive relationships can help your body gradually regain a sense of stability and safety.

Help yourself by choosing to practice self-care every day. Get plenty of rest. Eat nutritious food. Indulge. Take a hot bath. Get a massage. Whatever it is, just do something to meet your personal needs.

Furthermore, learning how to practice self-compassion. Moving on can be a big and scary step, so be gentle with yourself as you heal and create a new life after this relationship.

15. Embrace the Impermanence of Life

Forever is a misleading term. The only constant that exists in life is change. Despite our efforts to the contrary, we truly cannot hold on to anything in life forever. Everything—friends, family, and relationships—come and eventually go.

When it comes time for something to end, rather than clinging to what no longer is, realize impermanence is the nature of life and try to embrace it. Appreciate the good moments you had, cherish those memories, and let them go in exchange for new experiences. Missing someone after a breakup does not automatically mean the relationship was healthy or that reconnecting is the best choice. Emotional attachment can persist even when a relationship caused harm.

Know When to Ask for Help

The first few moments, days, or weeks following a breakup can seem debilitating. For some, ending a relationship means a loss of identity, support, and normalcy. Ending a relationship—even a toxic one—can be incredibly challenging and emotionally draining. However, you do not have to do it alone. Know when to seek support if you need it.

Some signs it may be time to seek additional support include repeatedly returning to the relationship despite ongoing harm, feeling stuck between knowing what needs to change and being unable to act on it, experiencing a significant drop in self-worth, or struggling to function in daily life after the relationship ends. Therapy can help people process grief, rebuild identity, strengthen boundaries, and better understand attachment patterns that may be contributing to the cycle.

If feelings of grief, shame, guilt, or other negative emotions persist and begin affecting your daily life after a relationship ends, consider finding a qualified therapist or counselor who can help you process and acknowledge your feelings in a healthy way. A qualified mental health professional can help you examine the past relationship in a safe place free of judgement while you work toward achieving a more complete sense of self after the relationship has ended.

Even if you feel like there is no hope after severing an important tie in your life, remember you can heal and you deserve a healthy relationship that meets your needs and complements you and your happiness.

Letting go of an unhealthy relationship is rarely just a single decision, it is often a process of building the emotional capacity, support, and safety needed to move forward. That process can take time, and it often requires significant courage.

References:

  1. Pierce, A. F., Protter, D. S. W., Watanabe, Y. L., Chapel, G. D., Cameron, R. T., & Donaldson, Z. R. (2024). Nucleus accumbens dopamine release reflects the selective nature of pair bonds. Current Biology, 34(2), 341-349. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cub.2023.12.041
  2. Rinne, P., Lahnakoski, J. M., Saarimäki, H., Tavast, M., Sams, M., & Henriksson, L. (2024). Six types of loves differentially recruit reward and social cognition brain areas. Cerebral Cortex, 34, bhae331. https://doi.org/10.1093/cercor/bhae331
  3. Yang, Y., Wang, C., Shi, J., & Zou, Z. (2024). Joyful growth vs. compulsive hedonism: A meta-analysis of brain activation on romantic love and addictive disorders. Neuropsychologia, 204, 109003. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neuropsychologia.2024.109003
  4. Nichol, B., Wilson, R., Rodrigues, A., & Haighton, C. (2024). Exploring the effects of volunteering on the social, mental, and physical health and well-being of volunteers: An umbrella review. Voluntas: International Journal of Voluntary and Nonprofit Organizations, 35(1), 97-128. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11266-023-00573-z
  5. Kang, S. J., Liu, S., Kim, J. H., Kim, D. I., Oh, T. G., Peng, J., Ye, M., Lee, K. F., Evans, R. M., Goulding, M., & Han, S. (2025). Thalamic CGRP neurons define a spinothalamic pathway for affective pain. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 122(29), e2505889122. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.2505889122
  6. Tabassum, F., Mohan, J., & Smith, P. (2016). Association of volunteering with mental well-being: A lifecourse analysis of a national population-based longitudinal study in the UK. BMJ Open, 6(8), e011327. https://doi.org/10.1136/bmjopen-2016-011327

Man walking across street in a quiet neighborhood at sunsetWe all know perfection is an illusion. If perfection is unattainable and unrealistic, why do so many people strive to achieve it, setting themselves up for a perpetuating cycle of disappointment and shame?

For many perfectionists, there is an underlying fear that they are not “good enough,” “won’t succeed,” or “won’t be loved” if they don’t strive for perfection. At its core, perfectionism may essentially be an act of disowning our true selves. It’s often a coping mechanism for shame and inadequacy. Perfectionism thrives in convincing us that striving for it will make us our “best self,” when in reality, it can cause us to play small and take us away from our true selves.

Perfectionism can be like a coach who initially appears to want you to succeed, but then berates you, makes you practice to the point of exhaustion, and yells at you when you try to take a break. You may think that without this type of pressure, you won’t be able to achieve your goals⁠— but the opposite is actually true. If you allow yourself to rest, acknowledge your progress, and engage in positive self-talk, you’re much less likely to burn out and more likely to achieve your goals without sacrificing your health and quality of life along the way.

Perfectionism can be like a coach who initially appears to want you to succeed, but then berates you, makes you practice to the point of exhaustion, and yells at you when you try to take a break.

If you’re struggling with perfectionism, it’s important to keep in mind that it doesn’t go away overnight and that it takes time to learn how to overcome perfectionism. Below are seven tips to help you learn how to start letting go of perfectionism and be kinder to yourself.

7 Tips to Overcome Perfectionism

1. Identify the beliefs and rules that drive your perfectionism.

It can be helpful to identify the underlying beliefs and rules that drive your behavior. For example, many perfectionists have an underlying belief that they are not “good enough.” As a result of this belief, they may adhere to certain rules and all-or-nothing thinking such as “I must be perfect or I will be rejected,” or “I must be perfect or I will fail.” Often these beliefs and rules were formed in childhood. Bringing awareness to these beliefs and rules as well as how they impact different areas of your life can be the first key in the process of deprogramming these beliefs.

2. Honestly evaluate your expectations.

Take some time to honestly evaluate your expectations. It’s not realistic to expect that you will never fail or make mistakes because you are human, and you will inevitably make mistakes as we all do. Consider how you can create more realistic expectations for yourself. When you create realistic expectations, you are able to meet them. You’ll also build up your self-trust and self-confidence, two tools that can help you combat perfectionism.

3. Acknowledge the costs of perfectionism.

Perfectionism often leads to loss. These losses include: loss of quality time spent with others, loss of enjoying the present moment, and loss of connection with oneself. Many perfectionists struggle with modifying their standards due to fear they will fail as a result. Reflecting about what perfectionism has cost you in different areas of your life can help you realize that the costs outweigh the benefits. This realization can help boost your motivation to tackle perfectionism and be a helpful reminder for those times you feel tempted to give in to your inner critic.

If perfectionism were a physical illness, doctors would most certainly prescribe self-compassion as a way to treat it.

4. Practice self-compassion.

One of the most helpful ways to combat one’s inner critic and address perfectionism head-on is to practice self-compassion regularly. If perfectionism were a physical illness, doctors would most certainly prescribe self-compassion as a way to treat it.

Perfectionists are often their own worst critic. While they can be compassionate towards others, they may have difficulty being supportive of themselves. When you’re feeling critical towards yourself, some questions that can help you increase your self-compassion are:

Certain meditations can also help increase your self-compassion.

5. Engage in activities that build resilience.

Individuals who struggle with perfectionism often over-prepare and actively avoid making mistakes or putting themselves in situations where they may be bad at something. This fear can hold them back from learning that mistakes do not define their self-worth and most likely won’t cause others to reject them. It can be helpful to engage in activities you fear you will be bad at. Think of these activities as experiments that can help you practice letting go of unrealistic expectations and build resilience. This can be an anxiety-provoking process that takes time, but it can ultimately be very freeing for many perfectionists.

6. Reach out for support from others.

Perfectionism thrives in silence and isolation. Often perfectionists are surprised to find many others struggle with similar issues once they start opening up about it; this can reduce the feelings of shame that typically accompany perfectionism. Start by identifying one person in your life that you trust, and share with them about some of your struggles. The more you practice being vulnerable with people whom you trust, the less isolated you will feel, and the freer you may become.

7. Reduce your social media use.

Social media contributes to frequent social comparison, which can exacerbate perfectionism. Try taking a break from technology for a half or full day and see how you feel. When you start using social media after the break, notice how you feel. Are you engaging in social comparison and feeling “not good enough?” If so, consider implementing a regular break from social media a few times per week.

Keep in mind that it’s helpful to have realistic expectations for yourself as you’re working on your perfectionism—it’s a process that takes time. If you find yourself getting stuck during the process, it can be helpful to find a therapist who specializes in perfectionism and can help you combat your inner critic.

A woman in gym clothes touches her fist to her reflection.Many people believe being one’s own private drill sergeant is the best way to be a good person. Countless advertisements and workout videos have taught us that if we berate ourselves enough, we’ll get up off the couch and be more productive. If we break down, overeat, or underperform, many of us believe it is helpful to call ourselves “maggot” and “lazy piece of @#$%.”

Most of the time when we’re being hard on ourselves, it’s in service of this misguided belief that self-criticism is the fastest road to self-improvement. We believe the meaner we are, the more we’ll want to obey. We suspect the opposite must also be true: if we’re kind and loving to ourselves, that will be an excuse to nap all day or spend countless hours playing video games.

It’s part of our national history to believe in the “spare the rod, spoil the child” method of motivation. Yet lately we have tempered our child-rearing techniques, teaching via rewards instead of punishments. For ourselves, however, we most often still choose the whip over the carrot. Client after client sits in my office and tells me how, in an attempt to lose weight, they tell themselves they look like a whale. While trying to be a better parent, they scare themselves with thoughts that they’re destroying their kids. Hoping to get ahead at work, they call themselves useless or pathetic.

Empathy is often a better motivator than cruelty.To be clear, this behavior doesn’t work. Imagine a child who wants to learn math, but the teacher constantly humiliates them, calls them stupid, and points out their mistakes. Most people under this kind of pressure will crack, either agreeing they must be incapable, or rebelling and refusing to try. No one has ever felt energized and ready to learn after being yelled at for their failures.

Instead, the key is to be gentle with yourself. Allowing for failure can give you enough energy to get back up after you stumble and start over again. If you want to cultivate perseverance, resilience, and grit, then you can reinforce these characteristics with praise. Support can create encouragement so you actually want to continue the difficult work of self-improvement.

16 Strategies to Change Your Relationship With Yourself

If you find yourself stuck subscribing to the philosophy of punishment-as-motivation, here are some quick strategies for changing this ingrained habit.

1. Thought stopping: One of the simplest ways to block a thought is to put your mind to stopping it. Picture a red stop sign, yell stop (whether out loud or in your head), stomp your foot, or imagine yourself stomping. This action captures your attention. It reminds you the thought is unhelpful and you’re trying to change it. Done consistently, thought stopping creates a new habit in exchange for the old, mindless pattern of self-criticism.

2. Thought replacing: Once you’ve stopped the thought, it’s time to replace it. Come up with a different statement, one that is actually motivating. Instead of “I’m so dumb,” perhaps you could say “I’m committed to reading more,” making it your mantra until it has power. Write the new phrase on sticky notes and place them where you’ll see the notes daily.

3. Compassion: Empathy is often a better motivator than cruelty. The phrase “I’m trying hard and want to succeed” can build energy, while “I’m no good and never will be” will likely drain it. You may feel sappy telling yourself warm and loving statements, but after you get past the discomfort, you may be shocked at how good you feel.

4. Being realistic: If you strongly believe you must look hard at your faults, go for it. Just do it in a balanced way. Criticism tends to work best when it is constructive. Decide what you want to change and why (“I need to be healthier.”). Next, own your faults or past mistakes (“I haven’t exercised enough in the past.”). Then move back to a realistic point of view (“I’m working on feeling healthier, so I’ll do one active thing today.”). Constructive criticism can be difficult to do, especially if you have a history of perfectionism, so you may wish get help from a trustworthy individual.

5. Thought labeling: Some thoughts are distorted and can’t be trusted. Sometimes by labeling these thoughts as the cognitive distortions they are, you can take away their power. You can find a list of common cognitive distortions here. Which are your go-tos?

6. Thought observation: “Observing” thoughts means sitting back and watching without judgment. It is a key component of mindfulness. Observation sounds simple, but it can pack a big punch. Gaining some objective distance often waters down the harshness of our critical thoughts. Thought observation often involves a simple meditation in which you relax, breathe, and acknowledge your feelings and thoughts without trying to fix them.

7. Emotion labeling: Reframe automatic thoughts as what they really are: reactions to a feeling, usually fear or anger. So “I’m such a loser for not getting an A on my test” is, in reality, “I’m scared I’m not lovable unless I am a top achiever.” Try to figure out the feeling under the statement to expose it for what it really is: a vulnerability that needs to be soothed.

8. Being kind to that emotion: Now do the soothing. It can be with words, by talking to yourself about how it’s okay to be scared, or sad, or imperfect. You could try talking things through with someone you trust. You can also sooth yourself by resting more or doing an activity that feels nice. Boosting your confidence and your mood can help energize you to do what you really want.

9. Being kind to the critical voice: Now move that wonderful compassionate approach to the inner critic itself. There’s a judge in your mind who thinks it knows all the answers, who has been taught to be cruel. Tell that voice you love and understand it, and watch what happens—many times it shrinks under the weight of all that kindness.

10. Inner child work: Imagine one the first times you told yourself, or were told from someone else, the negative message in question. Who first taught you that eating an extra cookie was repulsive? If you can picture your younger self getting that message, feeling hurt and shame, then you can imagine holding that kid, that part of you, and comforting them.

11. Doing something pleasant: Don’t underestimate the power of distracting your mind. Performing an activity that you enjoy has multiple benefits. It’s a way of being kind to yourself with actions instead of words. It can keep your mind too busy to continue attacking yourself. Plus, it may increase endorphins and other stress-relieving hormones.

12. Talking to someone who likes you: Social interaction is often a key component of well-being. We tend to be influenced by other people’s moods. If your friend is judgmental, you may struggle to curb your own inner critic. But if your friend is energetic and upbeat, you may be inspired toward change. Having a conversation with someone who feels positively about you can help you feel better about yourself.

13. Finding support: Friends aren’t the only—and sometimes aren’t the best—means of support. Often people feel safer talking to someone with no personal ties to them. Some people find it easier to be honest and vulnerable with someone they don’t have to see over dinner. They may turn to an individual therapist, a phone support line, or a support group.

14. Making a list of your achievements or good qualities: Self-esteem building can be as simple as reciting the qualities you like about yourself. When we get in the habit of believing we need to highlight our faults to stay on top of them, we weaken the “muscle” that reinforces our positive attributes. Start by writing down all the things you and others like about you. Put the list near your bed to look at each night or morning. For more tips, read my earlier blog post on self-esteem.

15. Taking one step in the right direction: If you truly believe there’s something you should be doing but aren’t, maybe the scope of the undertaking is overwhelming you. Try starting with a bite-sized piece of your plan. For instance, if you want to get a college degree, but a BA program seems too expensive and time-consuming, start by taking one class. If that still sounds intimidating, you could buy a book in one subject. Or talk to one college counselor. Any movement in the direction you want to go can feel like momentum toward your larger goal.

16. Accepting failure: Finally, get way, way more accepting of your limitations. It’s utterly counterintuitive, but success often requires being okay with mistakes. Giving yourself permission to fail does not mean you’re okay with not trying and not achieving. It means you’re realistic that trying sometimes means screwing up.

Any one of these techniques is its own first step to an approach that’s more compassionate and realistic. Give yourself the space to experiment, with one goal in mind: switching from being your own worst critic to your biggest fan.

Two outstretched hands shown at sunset. One hand is full of small flowers and other hand reaches to choose oneHealing emotional wounds is a process of self-exploration, one that can provide endless benefits no matter what stage of life you are in. Resentment and self-loathing can be scarring if allowed to fester. Forgiveness is the best antidote for this toxicity, whether it’s asking someone to forgive you, forgiving someone who has hurt you, or forgiving yourself.

Before you get started on this healing journey, it’s important to know that forgiveness isn’t the same thing as wiping the slate clean. “Forgive” and “forget” are not helpful together. In order to move forward, you must recognize the truth of what happened. When you acknowledge what happened and accept that you can’t change the past, you find the motivation to do something of value for yourself: forgive and heal.

Expressing your forgiveness directly to the person who hurt you isn’t always necessary or possible. Forgiving someone is for your benefit, not theirs. The process of forgiveness and the release of thoughts and feelings that have kept you tied to the past can be done without the other person’s participation. Forgiveness allows you to let go of the regrets or resentments that eat up your valuable energy.

[fat_widget_right]

Before you can forgive, it’s important to fully experience and let out the feelings tied to the emotional wound—anger, sadness, shame, fear, etc. Sometimes, writing a letter expressing how you feel can help you let go of negative emotions. You don’t have to mail the letter. Burning it may feel better.

Forgiving yourself can be more difficult than forgiving someone else. It requires acknowledging what you did and recognizing the damage it did to yourself or others. For forgiveness to work, you have to recognize that you made a mistake—or many of them—and understand that if you knew then what you know now, you would have done things differently.

As they say, hindsight is 20/20. Situations, and the appropriate responses to them, are always clearer when looking back. The best you can do is accept what happened and make the best of the situation you’re in now. Mindfulness can be useful in exploring why you did what you did. Gratitude can also be helpful because it allows you to move toward change. Atonement, making amends to the person you hurt or their symbolic representative, is a powerful way of moving toward self-forgiveness.

If you take a realistic attitude about the weaknesses and imperfections of human beings, forgiving yourself and others may feel more comfortable. People make mistakes. We operate based on our own experiences and worldviews. We are all a mess of emotions and genetics.

If you take a realistic attitude about the weaknesses and imperfections of human beings, forgiving yourself and others may feel more comfortable. People make mistakes. We operate based on our own experiences and worldviews. We are all a mess of emotions and genetics.

When considering whether to forgive someone, it can be helpful to consider their life experiences. This doesn’t mean excusing them for what they did. But the more you know about the forces that led to someone’s choices and actions toward you, the more clearly you can see the inherent imperfection of being human.

For example, let’s say your father left your family when you were young, and you just received a letter from him asking for your forgiveness. Would knowing the forces that drove his actions—his abandonment by his own father, his young age when he had you, his alcoholism—excuse his action? No, but it might make it easier to see his humanness and forgive him. Compassion and boundaries are not mutually exclusive, either. You can say both “I forgive you” and “I don’t want you in my life.”

To forgive yourself and others, try to soften your stance on being human and understand that people are fallible. But also recognize that when people know better, they tend to do better. The self-exploration that leads to healing contains a lot of learning to know better.

Letting go of resentments and regrets—in other words, practicing forgiveness— requires learning from and finding meaning in your emotional wounds. You can transcend suffering by making meaning out of your hurt and learning what it has to teach you. You can make yourself better for having endured it, but first you must go through it. You have to accept, experience, process, and release to heal and come out stronger. As author Haruki Murakami tells us, “When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”

If you’re struggling with forgiveness, contact a compassionate therapist who can help.

Rear view of person with short hair in pants and sweater walking in field at sunsetOne of the hardest things about stress and anxiety is that it often leads to overwhelm. Because of this, it is tempting to implement strategies that manage the discomfort but fail to offer lasting change. For example, many people choose to avoid situations that trigger anxiety, but they rarely address the sensations, feelings, and thoughts associated with it. It is natural to want to avoid feeling anxious. However, quick fixes don’t tend to bring long-term recovery. An integrative approach that includes both short- and long-term solutions is usually needed.

There are two main reasons for this:

  1. Overwhelm feels more convincing than your ability to change it.
  2. When you are immersed in overwhelm, short-term strategies become necessary for immediate relief before being able to consider long-term solutions.

While psychotherapy, social support, a nutrient-dense diet, spending time in nature, and exercise are important to prevent overwhelm, three key ingredients are necessary: expanding your window of tolerance, mindfulness, and self-compassion.

[fat_widget_right]

Becoming Aware of Your Window of Tolerance

One of the most important aspects for reducing overwhelm is to become increasingly aware of signals that you are about to “flip out” or “shut down” (known in psychotherapy as hyperarousal and hypoarousal). The space between flipping out and shutting down is the zone in which you function most effectively. In this space, you can think clearly, communicate well, engage respectfully, and work effectively. In other words, you are in your window of tolerance.

As you might imagine, everyone’s window of tolerance is different. Understanding your baseline window of tolerance and how to expand it contributes to long-term well-being because it offers you the chance to change your relationship to difficult emotions.

You might wonder how you can come to know and expand your window of tolerance. One of the more effective ways is through mindfulness and self-compassion.

Expanding the Window of Tolerance with Mindfulness

Expanding your window of tolerance helps you navigate increasingly difficult experiences without becoming so easily overwhelmed. To expand the window, you must learn to notice when you are “triggered” or “hooked” into a negative reaction. Mindfulness helps you to tune into subtle messages in your body/mind, giving you insight about where and when you are triggered.

Mindfulness simultaneously offers immediate relief and long-term benefits. It is often described as the state of being intentionally aware of what is happening, as it is happening, without judgment. Psychiatrist and educator Dr. Dan Siegel describes it as “waking up from a life on automatic and being sensitive to novelty in our everyday experiences. Instead of being on automatic and mindless, mindfulness helps us awaken to moment-by-moment experience.” In other words, mindfulness gives us what psychotherapist Linda Graham calls “choice points” or opportunities where change becomes possible.

Mindfulness teaches you to be an observer of sensations in the body and the feelings associated with them. In this shift from immersion to observation, you can tolerate painful feelings as they arise and access your thinking mind with more clarity.

Change becomes possible because mindfulness prevents over-identification. When you are triggered, you are immersed in the experience and accompanying sensations, feelings, and thoughts. Mindfulness teaches you to be an observer of sensations in the body and the feelings associated with them. In this shift from immersion to observation, you can tolerate painful feelings as they arise and access your thinking mind with more clarity.

According to meditation teacher and psychotherapist Tara Brach, mindful awareness has two qualities: seeing what is true and holding with love what is seen. You can ask two simple questions to create mindful awareness.

Continuing to Expand the Window of Tolerance with Self-Compassion

If there is one thing I’d like you to take away from this article, it is to know every moment of suffering is an opportunity to give yourself love and compassion.

Self-compassion helps transform overwhelm and other difficult feelings by teaching us to cultivate kind, connected presence for ourselves. Kristin Neff, researcher of self-compassion and co-creator of the Mindful Self-Compassion program, says there are three main ways to initiate self-compassion:

  1. Kind words
  2. Caring tone of voice
  3. Soothing gestures

Self-compassion increases oxytocin, a powerful hormone that acts as a neurotransmitter in the brain and, in turn, amplifies feelings of trust, calm, safety, generosity, and connectedness. A key thing to remember, however, is that self-compassion is a practice of goodwill, not good feelings. If you use self-compassion practices only to try to make bad feelings go away, you create the requirement that receiving compassion is valuable only if it removes the pain of life. Continue the practice of giving and receiving loving kindness without conditions, even when the pain doesn’t go away. By doing so, you create the habit of approaching yourself and others with kindness. You may feel more positive emotions as a result, but treat them more like a wonderful side effect than a goal. The long-term goal is to cultivate mindful self-compassion in as many situations as possible, and this takes time.

One of the most important points about this approach is to fully receive the compassion you offer yourself. This means to give yourself permission to get into it! This may be challenging at first because you are likely used to spending your energy on avoiding or managing overwhelm. If you shift your focus from avoidance to being compassionate with the part of you that is overwhelmed, you may be surprised how much you are able to expand your window of tolerance.

Reference:

Neff, K. (2011, June 27). The chemicals of care: How self-compassion manifests in our bodies. Retrieved from https://www.huffingtonpost.com/kristin-neff/self-compassion_b_884665.html

Rear view of person in suit sitting and looking outside large window with hands behind head with sunspot illuminating areaWhen you make a mistake, how do you react? Are you overly critical? Do you always blame yourself, even for the smallest mistakes? That’s your inner critic talking.

The inner critic is the part of us that wants to point out all of our faults. It expects perfection and won’t accept anything less. It also assumes it knows how others think and feel about us. Listening to this inner critic can often make us feel really bad about ourselves.

Why Do We Believe Our Inner Critic?

The Internal Family Systems (IFS) model of therapy is based on the idea that we all have many different parts inside of us. The expression of these parts differs from person to person. In other words, we all have an inner critic, but for some of us that critical part is much louder and meaner. Our inner critic can make us feel anxious or depressed by telling us we aren’t living up to others’ expectations.

Many people feel like their inner critic reminds them of the things they didn’t do. As a result, they might believe they’d never get anything done without this critical voice. [fat_widget_right]

But in reality, bullying doesn’t make us more productive. Quite the opposite, in fact: research shows bullying in the workplace lowers productivity and increases depressive symptoms. Research has also shown that self-criticism tends to accompany social phobias and depression. Self-criticism has also been shown to increase the severity of combat-related posttraumatic stress (PTSD), eating disorders, and body image issues.

What Does Your Inner Critic Want You to Know?

So if our inner critic leaves us feeling bad about ourselves and increases the risk of some mental health concerns, can we learn anything from listening to that part of us?

Is it possible that it wants to protect us from harm? Does that critical part of us come from a place of good intent?

Many people feel like their inner critic reminds them of the things they didn’t do. As a result, they might believe they’d never get anything done without this critical voice.

When we approach the inner critic from the IFS (parts) model, we can begin to understand that this critical part is actually working hard to protect us. It says all those mean things with the best intentions. It truly believes it is helping us.

But if we were trying to help someone else, like a friend or family member, we wouldn’t be that hard on them, would we? We probably wouldn’t ever be that hard on anyone other than ourselves.

So how do we get the inner critic to quiet down? To be less critical?

How Can We Do Things Differently?

1. Tune in.

The first step we can take is to really tune into the inner critic. Try to draw a mental image (you can actually draw it, if that helps!) that part of you. How old does it feel? What does it look like? Does it sound familiar? Perhaps it sounds like a person from your past, a parent, or an ex-partner. Maybe it sounds like someone currently in your life.

2. Get curious.

As you begin to have a clearer picture of that critical part, the next step is to start noticing how often it shows up. Does it chime in when you make mistakes or when it worries about being judged? Does it tell you to avoid new places and situations? How often is it present? Does it show up once in a while, or does it offer a constant stream of negativity?

3. Ask some questions.

You might notice that the critical part hangs around a lot, especially if you’re feeling anxious or depressed. The next time you hear your inner critic, try asking some questions to find out more about it:

4. Use compassion and curiosity.

As you take time to listen, see if you can be compassionate and curious. Would you like to ask that part some other questions? Try to be kind and curious at the same time. Each time your critical part answers a question, you can let it know that you heard it.

You’ll probably learn that your critical part is reacting from deep-seated fears. It’s trying to protect you from future harm. It wants to keep you safe. When you learn that your part wants to protect you, you may feel less likely to tell it to shut up and leave you alone. You might even begin to feel some compassion for the critical part because it’s always responding from fear.

5. Listen and respond.

As you become more familiar with when and how your critical parts show up, you can start responding differently. You can say something like, “I hear you. I know you’re worried I’ll make a mistake or get hurt by others, but I don’t want to live my life in constant fear. Thank you for worrying about me. Right now I’m going to ask you to step aside while I decide what I’m going to do.” You’re telling that part that you hear it. You are compassionately asking your critical part to let you, not it, decide what’s next.

Talking to your inner critic takes a lot of practice. I’m willing to bet it’s had your ear for a long, long time. But in time, you’ll find it’s easier to notice when it shows up and easier to get it to calm down as you try new things—and hopefully even have fun doing them!  [amazon_affiliate]

If you are struggling to reach your inner critic, consider reaching out to a compassionate therapist or counselor who can help you explore this critical part of you.

References:

  1. McTernan, W. P., Dollard, M. F., & LaMontagne, A. D. (2013, November 7). Depression in the workplace: An economic cost analysis of depression-related productivity loss attributable to job strain and bullying. Work & Stress: An International Journal of Work, Health, & Organization, 27(4), 321-338. doi: 1080/02678373.2013.846948
  2. Neff, K. D., Germer, C. (2017). Self-compassion and psychological well-being. In J. Doty (Ed.) Oxford handbook of compassion science (371-386). New York, NY: Oxford University Press.
  3. Schwartz, R. C. (2001). Introduction to internal family systems model. Oak Park, IL: Trailhead Publications.

Rear view of person silhouetted against sunset sky in field“You are a failure.”

“You look ugly today.”

“Everyone’s life is better than yours.”

Have you ever said these things to a close friend? How about a family member? I’m guessing the answer is no.

Then why do you say these things to yourself?

We are often harder on—and crueler to—ourselves than we are with other people. We hold ourselves to higher standards and berate ourselves more. What’s the effect? Depression, low self-worth, and deep feelings of shame.

Here are four antidotes:

[fat_widget_right]

1. Talk to yourself like you talk to your friends.

If you wouldn’t say it to your best friend, don’t say it to yourself.

Next time you find yourself engaging in negative self-talk, try this quick exercise. First, get a piece of paper and a pen or pencil and draw a box with two rows and five columns. Label the columns Thought, Emotion, Evidence, New Thought, and New Emotion.

If you’re beating yourself up about your career, under Thought you could write, “I’ll never have a successful career.” After you’ve written it down, sit with the thought for a few minutes and focus on the emotions that bubble up. Do you feel anger? Shame? Sadness? In the box under Emotion, write down all the feelings the thought triggers.

Under Evidence, write anything that challenges the negative thought. For example, “I went to a good college” or “I’m a hard worker.” Under New Thought, write a replacement for the original thought that takes into account the evidence. For example, “I haven’t found the right career yet, but I believe I will soon.”

Finally, under New Emotion, write down how this new thought makes you feel. Optimistic? Energized? Repeat this exercise daily until thought-stopping and replacement happens naturally.

2. Practice mindfulness to eliminate self-judgment.

Along with negative self-talk, self-judgment hurts you even if you’re not conscious you’re doing it. Mindfulness is essential when learning to defeat self-judgment and build self-compassion.

You need to consider your thoughts and feelings without ruling on whether they’re “good” or “bad.” Observe them with mindful awareness. Recognize the thought or emotion without judging it. Don’t try to push it away, but don’t ruminate on it either.

Remember, thoughts come and go, and feelings change. Don’t over-identify with any one. You are not this one thought or one feeling. This too shall pass.

3. Forgive yourself.

Self-forgiveness doesn’t mean excusing yourself or pretending what you did wasn’t wrong; it means showing compassion for yourself and recognizing your humanity.

Throughout your life, you did the best you could with the tools you had. The lessons you took from your caregivers, your experiences, your environment, and your physical and mental health all affect the way you treat others and yourself. If your parents didn’t model healthy anger, it’s likely you don’t express it healthily either. If you work in a highly competitive and cutthroat workplace, it’s likely you’ve cut a few metaphorical throats yourself.

Self-forgiveness doesn’t mean excusing yourself or pretending what you did wasn’t wrong; it means showing compassion for yourself and recognizing your humanity. People make mistakes, sometimes huge ones. What’s important is making amends, if you can, and learning new tools so you don’t make the same mistakes.

4. Don’t compare yourself to others.

No matter how much you think you know someone, you can’t know the whole story. If you’re single and desperate to start a family, looking at Facebook photos of an old classmate’s wedding or pictures on Instagram of a coworker’s new baby is a quick way to feel terrible about yourself.

People often use social media to show an idealized version of their life. Your old classmate doesn’t post about the fights she has with her husband. Your coworker doesn’t share photos of the baby wailing through the night. Try to resist the urge to go down the social media rabbit hole, and if you can’t resist, remind yourself that you see only one side of the story.

Consider unfollowing people whose lives trigger the strongest emotions. Check the site or app settings; most let you stay friends with someone without seeing their updates.

[amazon_affiliate]

Kristin Neff, psychologist and self-compassion researcher, writes about showing kindness to oneself in her book Self-Compassion: “Rather than harshly judging oneself for personal shortcomings, the self is offered warmth and unconditional acceptance” (2015). Your value isn’t based on how much money you make, how subjectively attractive you are, or how useful you are to others. You don’t lose worth when you make mistakes or come up short of your own or others’ expectations. The foundation of self-empathy and self-compassion is the understanding that you possess unconditional worth.

If you struggle to feel compassion and kindness for yourself, consider working with a therapist.

Reference:

Neff, K. (2015). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. New York, NY: William Morrow.

Rear view of person standing by beach looking out to sea with hands forming heart shapeSome sayings might be well-intended, but that doesn’t make them true, let alone easy to hear. Case in point: “You can’t find love until you learn to love yourself.”

The people who come to me for help tend to hate that thought. “If I knew how to love myself more,” they say, “I would have started long ago. In fact, I wouldn’t even be in therapy if I had that figured out.”

Improving self-esteem seems to some to be an impossible task. But each time, as we explore it together, similar themes come to the foreground. After years of figuring it out with people from all sorts of backgrounds and at all levels of self-confidence, I’ve come up with a few main components of esteem work.

Here are the key factors, in my experience:

[fat_widget_right]

1. Accept That You Are Flawed

The first step toward liking yourself is accepting all parts of yourself. Most people are at least slightly perfectionistic, with an unrealistic expectation that there’s someone out there who can be right or good all the time. (Not only is this impossible, it would make you insufferable.) Self-esteem, on the other hand, is based on unconditional love, which means you expect and allow yourself to mess up sometimes and are gentle with yourself when you do.

This is very different from excusing bad behavior or never asking yourself to grow and change. Instead, it’s about having compassion and kindness toward yourself when you fail, with the knowledge that if you want to change, using a gentle desire to do better is far more productive than viciously beating yourself up.

2. Be Curious About Yourself

You can’t love what you don’t know, so an important step to increasing self-confidence is to learn who you truly are. Often, by early adulthood, people have created a blanket definition of themselves based on their experiences and what others have told them. “I’m shy” or “I have an anger issue” become messages they’ve accepted and no longer question. Even if you’re shy or angry, though, this is only one small part of you.

When choosing a therapist, it might be helpful to ask how they approach self-esteem work and if they have a blueprint for increasing self-love.

Another way of not seeing or knowing your full self is when you pick and choose what you let others see. By showing only the parts of yourself that you think look best to others, you hide other pieces which are equally important and valid.

When you take time to examine who you are and who you want to be, you get more clarity about all of you—not just the elements that others have liked or disliked. You can gain insight into how you see yourself: your goals and ambitions, your flaws and failures, where you would like to grow. When you have all the pieces straight, you can start to accept them and integrate them into a real, full picture of yourself.

3. Practice Compassion

It’s a thin line between having compassion for yourself and having it for others. Working on both pieces at the same time is helpful. Often if a person in therapy finds it too tough to start with being kind to themselves, we pivot to working on being kinder to others.

One interesting way to gauge if you’re compassionate to others is to ask if you feel like others are judging you. Although it sounds conflicting, a worry that you are being judged is often an indication you have been taught to judge others. Maybe you came from a household where people’s clothes or weight or religiosity was criticized, and you find yourself as an adult having the same strict rules of behavior for others. It might be hard, then, not to imagine that people are doing the same thing to you. If you were disparaged by family or peers, you might have learned to carry this voice of disapproval inside of you. You might have even come to believe people were disliking you when, in reality, you were disliking yourself.

Having compassion for others is good practice for being kinder to ourselves. Think about letting others off the hook for bad behavior or not living up to your standards. Then try to move that same kind of understanding and gentleness back to yourself so you can realize everyone messes up sometimes. You may be surprised how your perspective shifts from one of distrust to one of tolerance.

Conclusion

Any of these three components of building self-esteem can be worked on by yourself or with the help of a professional. When choosing a therapist, it might be helpful to ask how they approach self-esteem work and if they have a blueprint for increasing self-love. Even if you need not love yourself to find love, it’s worth learning how to do so anyway. It feels good to be the best version of yourself possible.

Senior adult with short hair sits at table, face resting on hand, looking into distance thoughtfully

“With aging, you earn the right to be loyal to yourself.” —Frances McDormand

“I don’t mind aging. I’m glad to be aging. I’ll never die young.” —Elizabeth Marshall Thomas

Our culture’s great fear of aging or looking old can be devastating, but talking with a therapist is one way you can work to ameliorate its effects. Exploring your past and imagining a future that feels right for you are only two of the many ways therapy can be helpful.

[fat_widget_right]

But many people over 60 think they are too old to benefit from therapy. They may be too scared of change, too afraid they might try and not get the desired result. Some even fear that changing could alienate their family.

The deeper question is:

Are you ever too old to benefit from psychotherapy or counseling?

No.

You are never too old to benefit from someone truly listening to you and hearing your story with compassion.

You are never too old to shift gears and change your perspective.

You are never too old to behave differently.

You are never too old to invoke deeper awareness, understanding, and wise action.

You are never too old to enjoy the process of self-discovery, self-compassion, and acceptance of life on its own terms.

It is all too easy to think you are set in your ways: to believe life has already had its way with you and this is how you are. Luckily, just because you think something doesn’t make it true.

With people living into their 80s, 90s, and beyond, getting therapy in the last third of life can be incredibly helpful, supportive, and illuminating.

Until you take your last breath, you are capable of change. What an amazing concept: cognitive, emotional, and behavioral shifts are all still within your grasp, maybe even more so than when you were younger.

I know that is counter to what our culture seems to think, with its perennial focus on youth and high energy. But so much of aging is one’s perspective. If you have always focused on your looks, aging can be a real struggle. Even if you haven’t, our culture’s focus on youth can easily wither your self-esteem. Therapy can help you explore your thoughts and feelings while shifting some cognitive-emotional gears. It can even help you achieve what Frances McDormand spoke of: being loyal to yourself.

One of the great joys of continuing to live in a body on this spinning blue planet is the potential to evolve until you quit this mortal coil.I believe as we age we become more concentrated versions of ourselves. That can also mean our behaviors and habits are more obvious to us than ever before, and they may be easier to work with as a result.

Paradoxically, that work doesn’t always feel like work. It can often feel like liberation from the shackles of old ways of thinking, behaving, and believing. Just knowing you have the freedom to change until you die opens up an amazing expanse of possibilities.

Is therapy with someone who is 70 different from someone who is 27? Of course! That is its beauty. After all those years living on Earth, you can be readier than ever to do truly deep and effective work. In some ways, you can more fearlessly look at your thoughts, behaviors, and relationships to see what serves you and what doesn’t.

On a more prosaic level, having somebody in your life with whom to process things as they come up, so they can be worked through and not allowed to fester, is an amazingly supportive experience.

What stops older people from seeking therapy? Is it a resignation to life as it is? Is it a bias toward thinking they can’t change? Is it not wanting to unearth things from the past? Is it thinking nobody can really help them feel better? The reasons are different for everybody. But all those possibilities share one thing in common: they could all be misguided.

Creating a trusting, open therapeutic relationship can help you accept life as it is without becoming cynical or hard-hearted. It can also help you develop self-compassion, something I believe is sorely lacking in our culture.

I’m not suggesting it is always easy to change, but it is certainly possible. One of the great joys of continuing to live in a body on this spinning blue planet is the potential to evolve until you quit this mortal coil. These changes may even lead toward greater self-acceptance and inner peace.

Important Notice

GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.