GoodTherapy | The Expectation Trap: How Wanting Is Making You AngryIn my articles on anger management, I frequently talk about how anger gets disguised as another emotion. Conversely, I also emphasize the reverse: other emotions left unnoticed and unacknowledged can turn into anger. In this article, I offer no disguises, no cover-ups. Witness instead a direct creator and perpetrator of anger.

I expect things. So do you, and so does everyone else. These expectations encompass virtually everything we conceive. We expect things about our bodies and minds, other people (along with their bodies and minds), our jobs, our pets, the sun and moon. If I sound a bit hyperbolic, it’s because I mean to emphasize this: the vast majority of the thoughts we have throughout any given day are comprised of expectations. And with these expectations—every single one of them—we create frustration, irritation, and anger.

An expectation, put in the simplest of terms, is a thought about the way we want something to be. Expectations can range from the obvious form of “I really want to get that job” to more subtle expressions that hardly go noticed, like heavy sighing or rolling one’s eyes. Regardless of what form an expectation takes, it ushers in personalized judgment about the way we think the world should be.

[fat_widget_right]

Expectations trap us when we cannot see past them. When we lead with them and then meet up with something very different from our particular desire, anger is typically the result. At its core, anger expresses dissatisfaction with reality. All the different words for anger apply here: irritation, frustration, annoyance, being “miffed,” etc. The intensity of our anger is often directly correlated to the level of attachment we have to our expectations of reality.

It might seem as if I’ve made expectations out to be truly heinous. Usually at this point, a person I’m working with in therapy might say something like, “Well, then, I suppose I should have no expectations at all? Just have no standards?” On the contrary! Standards dictate our commitment, connection, and drive for excellence. What I shop here isn’t an end to expectations, but a renegotiation with them.

Expectations in and of themselves are actually harmless. They can be viewed from the perspective of expressing personal tastes and preferences. Expectations get the better of us only when they become rigid barriers keeping us from flexibly working with what life hands us.

Expectations in and of themselves are actually harmless. They can be viewed from the perspective of expressing personal tastes and preferences. Expectations get the better of us only when they become rigid barriers keeping us from flexibly working with what life hands us. Toward a more functional use of expectations, I offer the use of what I call basic requirements.

Basic requirements express the base-level necessities that must be met for us to continue cultivating a relationship with another person, a job, a lifestyle, etc. Whereas expectations get used as billy clubs to bash over the head of a reality that doesn’t meet our desires, basic requirements take a more open stance. They state that certain things will need to be in place in order for the relationship to continue—for example, respect and trust in a committed romantic relationship. If for some reason the basic requirement isn’t met, both parties may move on.

The reason expectations so often create anger is we stubbornly keep insisting that the thing in question be different, be what we want. Basic requirements free us from this trap. Instead of staying locked in a constant struggle to get an experience from someone or something that just can’t supply it, we take our basic requirements elsewhere. We relieve ourselves of the need to be constantly angry, because we no longer resist the truth that X can’t give us Y.

Notice that attachment is the real culprit here. Basic requirements express how we want the world to be. Attachment keeps us locked in struggle. Freeing ourselves from chronic anger becomes easier and easier when we let ourselves move on from no-win situations.

mother with arm around daughterWhy is it that, in today’s society, parents have so much difficulty getting their kids to transition into adulthood? How is it that many parents find that their kids are seemingly incapable of becoming independent adults?

The simplest answer seems to be that our views and values on family life have changed. I believe much of this has to do with the way family life is depicted in the media: we do so much for our kids that it prevents them from doing for themselves and, as a result, prevents them from learning how to be independent. Many parents find themselves frustrated about the fact they have adult children still living at home, with a burgeoning sense of entitlement, because they supposedly can’t make it on their own.

If we go back 40 years or so, we see a time when kids typically learned the natural and logical consequences of the choices they made. If they did not do their homework, their grades reflected that. Kids performed chores without the expectation of an allowance. Kids were uncomfortable enough with their parents’ rules that they often looked forward to moving out once they were old enough so they could make their own rules and choices. Childhood and adolescence was a training ground to provide the opportunity for kids to learn the skills they needed to one day function as independent adults.

[fat_widget_right]

Fast forward to the present. Technology has exploded. So has the experience of and demand for instant gratification. There is less reason and opportunity for kids to experience the discomfort that often comes with the necessity to problem-solve or use their imaginations. And as parents, we have evolved to the point where many of us don’t want to see our kids be uncomfortable at all. It seems that every parent’s goal is to see his or her kids “happy.” While that’s not unreasonable as an ultimate hope, we have taken the idea of removing discomfort from our kids’ lives to the extreme.

As parents, we have evolved to the point where many of us don’t want to see our kids be uncomfortable at all.

We have confused the ideas of caring for our kids and caretaking. Caretaking is anything we do for our kids that they can do for themselves. Caretaking stunts our children’s growth because they are deprived of the chance to learn the skills needed to entertain themselves, solve problems, resolve conflict with peers, and to take responsibility for themselves and be accountable. Life skills that should be learned in childhood and adolescence are often postponed until kids are in their twenties and thirties, and sometimes, learning the life skills needed to function as independent adults are delayed indefinitely.

While caretaking typically comes from a spirit of caring, love, and the desire to see our kids to be happy and healthy, it can become unhealthy and a cycle can develop that looks a lot like this: kids find themselves dealing with stress and/or struggling, so they immediately go to their parents. Problem solved. Except not—not really. As the cycle continues, kids learn to look outside themselves for ways to cope. Over time, the cycle carries into adulthood.

So how can we break this cycle? The solution is to help kids foster internal coping skills, develop confidence, self-esteem, and self-efficacy, and allow them to experience discomfort in order to learn that they have the survival skills they need and can be successful at facing challenges and obstacles.

Some Dos and Don’ts for Helping Kids Transition into Adulthood

All of this is not to say parents should give up; it is to say, rather, that parents need to allow kids to have control over their lives as they enter adulthood. While parents need to avoid always rescuing kids when they mess up, kids launching into adulthood need to know that their parents have their back. Be sure to show plenty of compassion and empathy, while at the same time holding kids transitioning into adulthood accountable.

people with umbrellas waiting to cross streetMost of the people who come to my office are contemplating a life change or trying to feel better about one that happened recently. They feel stressed and unsure about decisions they have to make, such as a parenting issue or what to do after graduation. Or they are unhappy about a decision that has been made for them (divorce, layoff, medical issue).

Many times, there is some room to move within this uncomfortable spot. A person can try to improve a relationship, job marketability, or health. But what are we to do when a life situation involves working with the unchangeable? How does solution-focused therapy help people live and thrive when something about their situation is completely outside their control?

Have you been stuck with a situation that feels unbearable? This might include:

[fat_widget_right]

Feeling powerless and at a dead end is how some people I work with describe themselves in these situations. They can take some small steps in some of these cases, but for the most part these people feel like they have no control.

I find it to be NOT useful in these moments to remind people of all they have. Someone who is mourning the end of a relationship is unlikely to appreciate his or her health, and someone whose financial woes have overtaken daily life is usually unable to be glad that at least he or she has a job. A couple struggling to conceive a child may not feel fortunate that “at least” they have this or that. Gratitude is a powerful, necessary element of life which unfortunately does not initially help those who are feeling regret, guilt, and sadness.

Gratitude is a powerful, necessary element of life which unfortunately does not initially help those who are feeling regret, guilt, and sadness.

When we must live with the unchangeable, I find it most useful to find outlets for the feelings that result from our position of powerlessness or suffering. There are plenty of tactics that we can use with cognitive therapy to help someone compartmentalize thoughts about his or her situation so that the person can function throughout the day. But what about those unstructured times, such as in the shower, driving, or late at night when the house is quiet, when the feelings creep in and feel hard to withstand?

Acknowledge your feelings, but give them a place to go. Even if you write the same thing down every night for a month in a cognitive thought chart, it is important to allow your expression to have an outlet. This could also look like a journal, a walk where you allow your thoughts to fill the time, a yoga or exercise practice, or creative expression such as painting, gardening, or baking.

Accept that, for now, these feelings and thoughts about your unchangeable situation are going to be with you for a while, but they do not have to paralyze you or sink you like an anchor. For example, people who struggle with grief come to think of that heavy feeling as one that can accompany them for a few hours but does not have to keep them from going about their days. In time, this becomes easier as you welcome the feelings that come and then go in waves. When they arise, they can go with you throughout your day. You can familiarize yourself with what they feel like and be extra compassionate with yourself. You will see that your feelings are nothing more than emotional states that come and go throughout your life. You can endure them. You were built with resilience to manage them.

Make some meaning out of your daily routine that gives you power over your situation. You may not be able to swap out your boss, move the calendar forward faster, or undo something you regret, but you have control over how you think and feel about these things today. Take charge of what you can. Have a brainstorming session about what could be part of your day that you think will help you feel good. Start with little things—guaranteed things that you know bring you happiness. Start your morning in the most positive way possible, employing these ideas as much as you can. Hang your expression of art or wear a token of strength or memory to remind yourself that you are honoring the unchangeable but not controlled by it.

How a Therapist Can Help

Seek therapy to put this situation to rest. It might sound elusive, but many people find that achieving peace with their situation is a process that is helped by the presence of a skilled professional. A therapist can help you understand why you might be stuck on a certain part of your story, or help you gain clarity to the meaning of holding on to the feelings you have.

At the very least, it is a great relief to have another person on your team during a time you feel powerless. We all need someone who believes in our ability to endure the unchangeable, and who can abide with our journey.

Emotional eye“…Not all psychological impacts can be encompassed by a list of symptoms or disorders.” —From Principles of Trauma Therapy

Make no mistake about it, Principles of Trauma Therapy: A Guide to Symptoms, Evaluation and Treatment is a psychiatric textbook. However, it is a rare breed of psychiatric textbook. It has a soul. To borrow from the dialectic wisdom of Marsha Linehan, the question in mental health treatment is often “What is being left out?” This book fills the void in terms of a comprehensive examination of the causes of trauma. It is not solely focused on the lists of symptoms. There are some areas where the book has “left out” important information, but emphasis on cultivating compassion for trauma survivors makes up for it.

John N. Briere and Catherine Scott describe how challenging behaviors exhibited by people who have gone through traumatic events are normal and within the context of psychological resilience: “Although therapists may interpret these behaviors as ‘resistance,’ such avoidance often represents appropriate protective responses to therapist process errors.” (p. 170). The adaptive functioning—or attempts to “metabolize” the trauma—is often interpreted as sabotaging or therapy interfering, but in reality, it suggests the clinician is in error (e.g., moving too fast in therapy). Unfortunately for the person in therapy, these attempts to lessen the pain can inadvertently prolong their trauma (this is what’s called the “pain paradox”). The unskillful attempts used to extinguish the pain often produces an increase in pain for the individual.

[fat_widget_trauma_ptsd_right]The pervasive message in Principles of Trauma Therapy is that a person’s symptoms due to a trauma can resolve via therapeutic engagement within a safe, therapeutic environment. The treatment approach is eclectic, and it weaves together strategies from various models (e.g., cognitive behavioral therapy, psychodynamic approaches, and mindfulness). People in therapy are given the opportunity to develop a coherent narrative of their past experiences, while learning stress reduction skills and psychoeducation through validation, respect, and supportive encouragement.

At the heart, Principles of Trauma Therapy comes from the theoretical perspective of exposure therapy and much of the content centers around this orientation for treatment. The clinician invites the person in therapy to develop alternative perceptions to their negative beliefs about themselves (oral and written) and the environment where the trauma manifested, while reducing “conditioned emotional responses” (CER).

To simplify, the recollection of the traumatic memory (i.e., exposure) occurs by activating the emotional states and schemas. The “disparity” that occurs is based on the idea that the therapy space is safe, so the person in therapy is counter-conditioned to realize they will not be harmed by experiencing the intense emotions that surround the memories. The integration of memories and emotions through exposure—along with the inability to avoid (i.e., CER) in the moment—creates resolution. The emotions are no longer as powerful. The positive results occur if the clinician is able to finesse the client’s capacity to “regulate and tolerate the associated painful affect” (p. 267). Briere and Scott advocate a titrated exposure to avoid both undershooting the level of exposure and not overwhelming the person in therapy. This person should be emotionally activated to allow processing to take place, but not to the point that their coping resources are overwhelmed, which leads to avoidant behaviors (i.e., to seek safety from the distress).

Exposure therapy techniques are undoubtedly effective and reliably decrease posttraumatic stress. However, the dysregulated elephant in the room during my review of this book was a question of ethics: is exposure therapy humane?

There are a couple of areas that should have been addressed more thoroughly in the text. Exposure therapy techniques are undoubtedly effective and reliably decrease posttraumatic stress. However, the dysregulated elephant in the room during my review of this book was a question of ethics: is exposure therapy humane? This form of therapy elicits pain for the person in therapy, often expressed in the form of panic attacks, dissociation, and intense anxiety through a re-experiencing of the trauma. Is it morally right for clinicians to prescribe this approach? Does the end justify the means? Or, are there other treatment approaches that can be used to relieve the immense amount of suffering experienced by trauma victims?

Principles of Trauma Therapy provides only a brief conceptualization of eye movement desensitization and reprocessing therapy (EMDR). In 2004, the APA acknowledged EMDR as a recommended effective treatment of trauma. According to Shapiro (2001), EMDR is the most empirically studied treatment for posttraumatic stress (PTSD). The philosophy of EMDR treatment does not differ drastically from exposure therapy: deconditioning disturbing input, redefining the event, finding meaning in it, and eliminating self-blame, while integrating new skills (Shapiro, 2001). The stark difference between EMDR and exposure therapy is the method of delivery, as well as the path a person in therapy takes toward healing. Exposure therapy is analytical with a narrative-driven process that involves a significant amount of “homework” assignments for the person in therapy. It also runs a risk of vicarious traumatization (for both the therapist and person in treatment) due to repeatedly describing the often horrific events.

The internal process of EMDR utilizes an approach of holding a negative cognition (e.g., “I am unlovable”) paired with what is often an image of the traumatic event (a pre-established target). The person is instructed to focus on the image, negative thoughts, and body sensations while simultaneously engaging in EMDR processing using sets of bilateral stimulation (e.g., eye movements, auditory stimuli, or tactile sensors). They are witnessing in their mind’s eye what surfaces. The clinician does not hear all of the details of the trauma, nor does he or she provide analysis of the experience. Dialogue is at a minimum. It is provided through repeated, brief check-ins between sets of bilateral stimulation; “What comes up now?” or “What did you notice that time?”

Principles of Trauma Therapy has an agenda in terms of promoting exposure therapy, but it also offers a holistic array of coping strategies—for both the therapist and the person in therapy—to increase one’s awareness of bodily reactions and ways to create a vocabulary for the feelings that arise. This mindful mentality is more than a subtle emphasis. Empirically validated mindfulness interventions are presented (e.g., acceptance & commitment therapy, dialectical behavior therapy, mindfulness-based stress reduction, and mindfulness-based cognitive therapy) as to disillusion the reader from the spiritual, Buddhist connotation. Clinicians are encouraged to maintain an open awareness to their own mental states (e.g., reduction of reactivity) without judgement, in order to mirror this process for people (e.g., attending to the breath, a here-and-now focus). There are also scripts for new clinicians and comprehensive assessment material that is applicable to anyone in therapy.

Principles of Trauma Therapy has a final, comprehensive directory of trauma-centered psychopharmacological interventions with content relative to psychobiology. This is extremely informative, but one has to question some of the research that was referenced. One concluding statement regarding the efficacy of selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors (SSRIs) as antidepressant medication gave me pause. It was noted that SSRIs “have been found to be equally effective in reducing symptoms and improving quality of life across most clinical trials” for many diagnoses. The example reference was to a 2000 study comparing monoamine oxidase inhibitors (MAOIs), tricyclic antidepressants and some selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors (SNRIs) for depression. [1] The citation did not match the broad sweeping claim as the study itself notes “clinically insignificant” differences in efficacy as well as tolerability between SSRIs. [1] Read this section with a grain of salt and consider newer research when determining the efficacy of medication for victims of trauma.

Despite the focus on the individual in this book, the reader is walked through the “victim variables”, “characteristics of the stressor”, and “social response and supports” that affect the outcome for the trauma victim, which forces a cultural vista. Briere and Scott implicitly connect to the fact that our society’s disenfranchised groups of individuals (e.g., people of color and in poverty) are much more susceptible to posttraumatic symptoms.

Trauma is no longer just a micro level problem, but an issue of social justice and equality. The book maps out the generational influences and cyclical effects of trauma. There is an “additive effect” of multiple traumatic events throughout one’s life. For example, a survivor of childhood abuse who has residual effects into adulthood will react with “especially severe, regressed, dissociated, or self-destructive responses to the adult trauma” (p. 22). Earlier treatment interventions are essential to desensitize these reactions to stress.

Briere and Scott provide a stylish blend of the metaphysical and tangible aspects of trauma. They do this with learned experience, academic research, and hope as a means to expose the wide-ranging consequences of trauma. If you are a clinician searching for an in-depth examination of the components, conceptualization, causal mechanisms and treatment of trauma, then Principles of Trauma Therapy is here to the rescue.

References:

  1. Mace, S. and Tayler, D. (2000). Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors: a review of efficacy and tolerability in depression. Expert Opinion on Pharmacotherapy: 1(5). 917-933.
  2. Briere, John & Scott, Catherine. Principles of Trauma Therapy: A Guide to Symptoms, Evaluation, and Treatment (2nd Edition). SAGE Publications, Inc; Second Edition – DSM-5 Update edition (March 26, 2014).

people emerging from shadowsRachel Dolezal, a Caucasian woman, has dominated recent news with her assertion that she identifies as black. Like many people, I was initially perplexed about why someone would choose to identify with an oppressed culture. What benefit is there to choosing to belong to a group of people who have been marginalized?

When people have difficult and character-forming experiences, they generally want them to be witnessed, honored, and respected. People with visible identities, as race typically is, naturally have this validating experience. For many people, parts of their identities and the way they understand themselves come from the struggles and challenges they have endured.

Poverty is a prime example. Though we may not consciously consider poverty an identity, for many people it is one. Many people who experience poverty have a shared experience of not having enough, being judged, and being marginalized. Poverty informs how people experience and interpret the world.

I worked with a 48-year-old woman—I’ll call her Nina—who consistently spoke of “being poor.” For most of her childhood, her family struggled financially and did not have their basic needs of food, shelter, and clothing met on a regular basis. When she was 14, her family’s situation changed. Her mother got a well-paying job, they bought a home, and they had financial security, as is true to this day.

[fat_widget_right]

As a grown woman, Nina continued to refer to herself as poor, though she factually had not experienced poverty for 34 years. Nina’s earlier experience of living in poverty was so defining that it became part of her identity.

This phenomenon is also true for internal experiences. Consider people who have experienced, say, addiction or depression. “I’m an addict” and “I’m a depressed person” are phrases that I have heard many times. People often define their entire being by a challenging part of themselves, when in reality it is one of many aspects and identities that comprise who they are.

As human beings, we are wired to connect to others and to be recognized and understood by others. Tightly gripping an “old” identity is a way to keep that part of you visible—to keep the struggle of addiction or depression or trauma or poverty as a real and acknowledged part of your existence.

Being depressed is not all of a person. It is an experience, albeit it an unpleasant one. People who are depressed are also parents and friends and colleagues. There are many other pieces to who they are in addition to their depression. However, unlike depression, being a parent is visible. Being a colleague is visible. People see and understand these roles and identities and, in turn, validate them.

What happens when life circumstances shift and their current experiences no longer fit their description of themselves? Though Nina no longer lives in poverty and has not for more time than she has, she still very strongly identifies with being “poor.” When someone is no longer depressed, does he or she still say, “I’m a depressed person”? Many people do. They become so used to understanding themselves one way that it becomes the dominant narrative of their life, even when it no longer fits the circumstances.

As human beings, we are wired to connect to others and to be recognized and understood by others. Tightly gripping an “old” identity is a way to keep that part of you visible—to keep the struggle of addiction or depression or trauma or poverty as a real and acknowledged part of your existence.

But you can release parts and identities that no longer fit while still having them as part of you and your story.

Narrative therapy is a technique that allows people to share and tell the stories of their lives. It makes visible what is invisible. The struggles, challenges, and resilience that you have developed during your lifetime are part of your story. The ways we self-identify at one point in our lives may be different than at another point, and both identities can be true. Narrative therapy helps to weave together these many different aspects of life into a multifaceted story. It gives us the richness and fullness of our experiences as people rather than limiting us to one way of being. It helps us understand that we are not only our race or gender or depression or addiction. Instead, those aspects are pieces of a changing, evolving, and larger picture of who we are.

Caught in the sunAndrea woke up feeling great and full of energy. She grabbed a bagel and a coffee on her way to the bus station and ate it on the bus to work. She arrived on time and proceeded to the conference room for an early meeting with her team. During the meeting, Andrea noticed her boss giving her what she perceived as a disapproving look, and became deflated as a result. All her energy was suddenly gone, and an inner voice began telling her an all-too-familiar message: “What did you do this time?” “The fact that your boss is looking at you like that means she’s heavily disappointed in your mediocre way of working!” “If you keep cutting corners, you’re going to lose your job!”

Meet Andrea’s inner critic: the voice that comments on her experience, criticizing her and describing how (awful) things supposedly are, regardless of the actual circumstances.

The inner critic is composed of ideas, beliefs, emotions, thoughts, and voices that try to manage our experience by telling us when we’re doing something right or wrong. We acquire this internalized structure as young children, and it continues to develop throughout our lives. It was initially shaped through our interaction with our environment. As young children, we are completely dependent on our caregivers. Even if they are for the most part responsive and attuned, they don’t always respond to us in ways that support our needs. Depending on their own conditioning, they try to shape us in ways that conform to their perception of reality.

[fat_widget_right]

This can happen in many ways, such as punishment when we don’t behave the way they want us to, or reinforcement when we behave the way they do want us to. This shaping also happens subtly, from simple looks of disapproval or the opposite. Since we are totally dependent on their care, we begin to repress our aliveness and dynamism in order to adapt to how they expect us to behave—avoiding behaviors or expressions that will trigger punishment or disapproval, and doing what will bring their approval. Eventually, we end up internalizing our caregiver’s punishment-and-reward system, and it begins to limit both our worldview and our range of action. In a way, the inner critic is an inner police force that holds in check anything that deviates from our habitual, known patterns of experience and action.

Our caregivers aren’t the only ones influencing the development of the inner critic. Our schools, the environment around us, society, and basically any external input will contribute to creating this inner structure.

It’s important to point out that depending on our upbringing, our inner critic can be very harsh and painful or subtle and harder to notice. However, pretty much everyone has an inner critic that limits his or her expression in the world. In order to grow and develop, we must learn to work with this inner structure.

Breaking Out of Your Comfort Zone

One way of defining “inner work” is understanding and dissolving the internal structures that obstruct our perception of reality. This way of seeing is a direct threat to our conditioned sense of self and sense of reality, so the inner critic, understandably, is going to do everything and anything in its power to discourage us to continue pursuing our work.

Therefore, one of the first structures we must understand and work with is the inner critic. As long as we have an inner voice criticizing us or scaring us about going deeper into ourselves, it will be difficult to progress.

Identifying the Inner Critic’s Triggers

There is no formula for working with the inner critic. Each person’s process is unique, and different techniques may work differently for different people.

Any time you feel guilt, the inner critic is playing its part. There’s a difference between feeling guilt and feeling remorse. The latter is a genuine feeling of pain about the consequences of one’s actions. Guilt, on the other hand, is a self-defeating pattern of making yourself “bad” as a consequence of doing something perceived as wrong. Many times when we feel guilty there is also genuine remorse, and there may be an objective aspect of your behavior to recognize in the situation, but the extra layer of “I am bad for such-and-such” is just plain inner critic impeding us from growing.

Other times, the inner critic lurks when we’re about to embark on a new venture and we feel afraid. It can show up as a critical voice, saying, “You can’t do this” or “Who are you trying to fool?” It can also say, “This is dangerous, don’t even try it!” No matter what it says, the point is it attempts to keep us from engaging in the new endeavor. Identifying the triggers of your inner critic is key to the growth process.

The inner critic is composed of ideas, beliefs, emotions, thoughts, and voices that try to manage our experience by telling us when we’re doing something right or wrong. We acquire this internalized structure as young children, and it continues to develop throughout our lives.

Developing an Awareness Practice

The next step in working with the inner critic consists of learning how to identify its different voices. It can show up with a subtle, seductive voice, as an outright nasty attack, or something in between. By developing presence of mind through mindfulness meditation or other awareness practices, we can begin to notice when it’s lurking. The more identified we are with it, the harder it will be to notice when it is in action. By having a solid foundational awareness practice, in time you’ll be able to discern the inner critic in action.

One of the great benefits of mindfulness is that it allows us to observe our inner phenomena without identifying with them, so by being mindful of our thinking, feeling, and body sensations, we begin to see the different ways the inner critic shows up. Working with the inner critic is a lifelong endeavor, and as we progress on the path, we work with subtler and subtler ways in which the inner critic tries to sabotage our development.

Disidentifying from the Inner Critic

When we recognize that we have been attacked by the inner critic, we can experiment by switching our internal voice to the second person: “You are such-and-such!” This can be powerful in revealing the impact the voice is having. I have seen people in therapy begin to notice how harsh and brutal the energy is when they try this. Learning to see the inner critic as an external attack coming toward us, as opposed to being completely identified with it, is essential to neutralizing its power.

Using the Power of Anger to Regain Our Strength

The energy that fuels the inner critic is our own inherent aliveness and strength that’s being hijacked and used against us. At times, the criticism we give ourselves can be harsh and aggressive, and may require a strong defense.

Once we identify an attack and regard it as coming from the outside, we can experiment defending with a strong stand against the attack. Anything from a karate chop in the air to a simple “Get off my back!” with the right tone can be effective; it’s important to experiment and find what works for you. The purpose here is to reclaim our strength, so the energy, tone, and way we do this can be very different from person to person.

Effectively Using Compassion

Sometimes a forceful defense may not be effective, and a more gentle approach may be what’s needed. Simply getting in touch with the pain the attack produces in us and feeling compassion for our suffering can be a powerful way to disarm the critic. When the full force of self-compassion is present, any shred of attack will likely melt away.

Having an Ally Is a Must

Inner work isn’t easy, and navigating our inner landscape can be very confusing, so having an ally in the form of a therapist, teacher, or coach is imperative when going into the deeper aspects of working with the inner critic. Although each of the strategies mentioned above is helpful in giving you space from the critic, for deeper work you must also develop an embodied, contextual understanding of its origins, its impact, its phenomenology as a structure, and its energy. This requires a commitment to going into places inside of us that are old, hidden, and scary. It is difficult to do this alone, so the help of a compassionate therapist or other professional will make your work easier.

Women talking on front porchDialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is generally described as a skills-based treatment, a type of cognitive behavioral therapy, and an intensive team-based approach to help people who have severe difficulties with emotion regulation. It has helped many people to manage their emotions, have better relationships, and create fulfilling lives.

When you look a bit deeper, though, at what the DBT skills actually do, they can be seen as opening the mind to curiosity and empathy. This empathic curiosity is the key to better relationships and increased positive emotional experiences. Curiosity—wanting to know—is paired with, and supports, the capacity to imagine the emotional experiences of other people.

So often—and this is reinforced by our social context—we make assumptions rather than being curious. In conversations with others, we think ahead to what we are going to say next, or we make interpretations about the meaning of what the other person is saying.

What if, rather than interpreting or analyzing another person’s words or actions, we were to remain curious about the many possibilities for what the person may be thinking or feeling?

[fat_widget_right]

As children, we were naturally curious. We were constantly asking, “Why?”

Over time, many people lose that natural curiosity because it is often not reinforced by the environment. We are taught to be obedient, to not question, to do what we are “supposed” to do and leave it at that.

From a dialectical behavior therapy perspective, this stifling of curiosity is a part of an invalidating environment. We all experience invalidation in various ways, but people with difficulty managing intense emotions often come from social environments they have experienced as especially invalidating. If curiosity is ignored, judged, or criticized, you learn to stop expressing curiosity because it is not reinforced.

Why be curious? To start with, curiosity makes it possible for us to empathize with others. We wonder how another person may be feeling, what he or she may be thinking, and how he or she may be experiencing us. This allows us to tailor our responses based on this relational context.

Why be curious? To start with, curiosity makes it possible for us to empathize with others. We wonder how another person may be feeling, what he or she may be thinking, and how he or she may be experiencing us. This allows us to tailor our responses based on this relational context. Others experience us as empathic, and this leads to better-functioning relationships.

DBT’s mindfulness skills support this curiosity. It starts with observing—not judging, not evaluating, but simply using our five senses to take in the present moment. Then we put words to our experience by describing what we have observed. Mindfulness requires participating in the moment—just throwing yourself in—and letting go of whatever judgmental thoughts or distractions come up.

In a relational context, mindfulness takes an even deeper form. So often in our interactions with others, we become so lost in intense emotional reactions that we forget the importance of this person and the relationship in our lives. We may be focused on being right, even if that does not get us the outcome we are looking for. The mindfulness skills in DBT teach us to focus on being effective—on doing what works.

When communicating with another person, relationship mindfulness requires being present, holding in mind an imagination of the other person’s experience, and focusing on effectiveness (both short- and long-term). It requires a willingness to do what is needed, even if it’s uncomfortable or difficult. Most of all, relationship mindfulness requires not forgetting the authentic, valid experience of the other person as well as of yourself. Even if the other person has said or done something you do not like, his or her experiences, needs, and desires are valid. Even if your own emotional responses are difficult to tolerate, they are valid.

Empathic curiosity requires a conscious decision—to turn yourself toward the present moment and to open your mind to want to know that which is not always obvious or clear. Such a decision can change your relationships and your life.

hands over ears with a pained expression“You yourself, as much as anybody else in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” —Buddha

As I write this, I can feel anxiety in my entire body; my legs are restless, my toes are tapping, and there are butterflies in my stomach twirling and diving, with some going on bombing missions. Thoughts are flying across the screen of my mind at the speed of light. My inner dialogue/landscape is one of charred wood and dead grass as I search to find the “right” words that will enlighten readers. In this barren wasteland of blank thoughts, I see a little pink flower that seems to be calling from afar, but, alas, it’s not to be! It’s only a figment of my imagination.

In my mind, I see no other recourse than to surrender and shout out, “I give up! This is too hard!” while another voice suggests, “Don’t you think this would be a great time to rearrange the furniture?” All the while, the wise part of me looks on with patience and compassion, nodding her head as she says, “Now, my dear, you know what you need to do.”

[fat_widget_right]

I do know what I need to do, but I still wonder why, after all these years of writing, a deadline can bring up feelings of dread similar to those you get when the dentist informs you that you’re in need of a root canal. Unfortunately, I know the answer to this; and no, I am not as wise as Yoda! I happen to be very well acquainted with the inner critic, and I know that as soon as there’s a deadline looming on the horizon, the inner critic perks up, rubs her hands together with glee, laughs maniacally, and shouts with jubilation, “I knew sooner or later you’d need my help!” Hearing this, I turn to her, send her an imaginary bow of acknowledgment, and say, “It’s OK. I appreciate the offer, but I can do this on my own.” I lovingly guide her back to the meditation cushion and ask her to help by sending thoughts of loving kindness and compassion.

Unveiling the Inner Critic

“While others may fool us with stories, lies, and misinformation, the biggest deceptions happen within our very own heads!” —Dana Nourie

We all have an inner critic that gets activated when there is a sign of trouble or danger on the horizon. It shows up when we’re most vulnerable, fearful, or sad. It’s the scolding, critical, manipulative, and intimidating inner voice that is trying to help us stay safe. It can also sound like background noise; the voice is there, but we’ve gotten so used to it that we don’t hear it. When we don’t notice this inner dialogue, we may end up believing these thoughts, which creates even deeper suffering. So it’s important to recognize when the inner critic is present.

Below are just a few examples of how the inner critic shows up:

See the Vulnerability Beneath the Defense

Sometimes it helps to visualize the inner critic as a scared child. Most of us would respond with compassion if we saw a child suffering. Sometimes when I notice the critical self-talk in action, I’ll envision the fear as a child. I see the inner critic as a little girl who’s wearing an oversized lab coat and a hard hat. She stands anxiously watching over a grid with many blinking, colorful lights. While the grid contains a kaleidoscope of beautiful flashing colors, the inner critic ignores the beauty and instead is waiting for the moment when the grid flashes red.

Why red? Because it represents danger. (Think of stop signs, traffic lights, hazard lights, and ambulances.) When the illusion of trouble enters the mind, the grid flashes red, an alarm goes off, and a loud voice starts the countdown toward self-destruction. The inner critic immediately goes to work trying to avert danger in any way she can, and the negative self-talk begins. So the inner critic will say things such as, “You’re such a loser! No wonder creative thoughts don’t stick around! I’d leave too, if I could!” If I believe these thoughts, I might get paralyzed and stop myself from doing something that helps others and brings me joy. If instead I learn to look beyond the critical self-talk, I can begin to connect with the vulnerability beneath the defenses.

If I look beyond the inner critic and defensive stance, I see the feelings of vulnerability and fear. There’s fear of failure—that I won’t accomplish the task correctly or that I’ll lose my connection to what matters most. When I pause to connect through the practice of mindfulness and recognize that fear is present, I can begin to respond in ways that are healing and compassionate. This clear seeing of what is really happening beyond views of good/bad is essential in order for us to soothe the inner critic.

Before we get there, let’s take a deeper look at why and how fear triggers the inner critic.

Fear: False Evidence Appearing Real

We all face fear at one time or another. Sometimes many times a day! Fear shows up for the major events of our lives. It also shows up for the small, everyday activities, such as not getting to an appointment on time, getting into an argument with a close friend, etc. What transforms the fear into suffering isn’t the feeling itself; it’s how we react to it.

It’s also important to note that when fear arises it triggers our fight, flight, and freeze or submit response, which was essential for the survival of our species. After all, if our ancestors weren’t alert to the dangers they faced when they were out hunting for food, we wouldn’t be here today.

The problem is that most of the threats we face are intense reactions that go off when our self-concept is threatened. This makes sense, as we are social animals and our connection to each other and life is important to our well-being. However, when we react as if our very life is threatened, we end up adding suffering to what is often a moment of pain. As Dr. Kristin Neff writes in her book Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself:

We confuse our thoughts and representations of ourselves for our actual selves, meaning that when our self-image is under siege, we react as if our very existence is threatened. When this happens, our threat defense system uses the same strategies to stay safe as follows:

This overreaction can leave us feeling highly anxious, depressed, and angry with ourselves, others, and the world, and this can lead us to limit our experiences in life and relationships.

How the Inner Critic Limits Our Lived Experience

“We get identified with patterns of thought and this leads to repetitive behaviors, these repetitive behaviors become who we are. We stop growing because we limit out experiences.” —Steve Armstrong, dharma talk on Greeting Visitors to the Mind

The truth is that we hurt ourselves when we lock ourselves in a mental cage, and the sad part is that the fear we are trying to avoid is in the cage with us.

I remember listening to a talk by meditation teacher Tara Brach on how fear affects us. She shared a moving story about a white tiger called Mohini, who lived in a 12-by-12-foot rectangular cage at the zoo in Washington, D.C. The tiger spent her days restlessly pacing within the small enclosure, and eventually the staff and biologists worked to create a natural habitat for her. This was a beautiful space with hills, trees, and a pond to swim in.

When Mohini was transferred to her new surroundings, everyone expected she would feel free to explore this wide-open space. The moment she was released, she “immediately sought refuge in a corner of the compound, where she lived for the remainder of her life. Mohini paced and paced in that corner until an area 12 by 12 feet was worn bare of grass.”

We similarly confine ourselves to certain patterns that limit our ability to fully experience life. The inner critic becomes the gatekeeper—in charge of keeping us contained within these limits, where there is an illusion of safety. The truth is that we hurt ourselves when we lock ourselves in a mental cage, and the sad part is that the fear we are trying to avoid is in the cage with us. Recognizing how we’re reacting to the inner critic, to our thoughts and feelings, is an important step toward helping ourselves reconnect to this moment. Just as important is our ability to practice self-compassion in the face of pain.

Self-Compassion Helps Soothe the Inner Critic

“With self-compassion, we give ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give to a good friend.” —Dr. Kristin Neff

Dr. Neff describes self-compassion as “quieting of one’s inner critic and replacing it with a voice of support, understanding, and care for one’s self.” So we treat ourselves with the same compassion and kindness we show others who are suffering. This can be challenging, as our defenses were developed over many years and show up as patterns of behavior that often stop us from being vulnerable. What helps us to shift out of these patterns is meeting our experience with mindfulness, acceptance, and compassion. As Neff points out in her book, there are three elements to the practice, as follows:

Practicing self-kindness, we:

Common humanity means that we:

We meet our moment-to-moment experience by:

Mindfulness and Compassion Foster Healing and Growth

Mindfulness and self-compassion help us to see how we are limiting ourselves. We see and feel the barriers we’re constructing around our hearts, and in seeing them we can begin to explore what is happening within the mind that’s causing us to build the wall. We free our hearts as we explore with a real desire to understand, to open to the pain and meet it with compassion and loving kindness. This leads us to have moments of mindfulness, where the mind is free of ruminating, judging, planning, and obsessing, and a mind that is free of torment is loving, clear, understanding, equanimous, and easeful.

As I write this last line, I pause to check in with the inner critic. I see that she’s still sitting on the meditation cushion, sending thoughts of loving kindness, and on her face is a look of profound peace.

person taking notes in journalHave you ever found yourself in such an emotional storm that you didn’t feel in control of what you were doing? When we are at our most vulnerable, we are most likely to act in the way that emotions make us want to act. As important as emotions are—they provide us with valuable information, connect us to one another, and more—they sometimes lead us down destructive paths. When this happens, it is often helpful to take a look at the situation to assess what happened, whether it was effective for us, and how we might do something different in the future.

Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) provides us with an effective approach to look in excruciating detail at events in our lives that have not gone well so that we can better understand how such actions are connected to our emotions and to situations we encounter. It is an empowering approach, one that allows each person to become aware of emotional states in order to have choices—choices about whether to act in the way an emotion makes us want to act or to act differently.

This approach is called a behavioral chain analysis. This is an exercise you can do during a DBT individual session, but it’s also a skill you can practice on your own, outside of session. The DBT skills workbook includes worksheets to guide you along. It starts with a specific description of the problem. What happened? What event prompted you to do this? Even if you are not sure that whatever happened immediately before the problem behavior necessarily caused the problem, take note of it.

[fat_widget_right]

It’s important to include an evaluation of how you were doing overall, before a distressing event or feeling came your way. Were you hungry or tired? Were you feeling run down physically? Were you upset about something that had happened the day before?

These underlying vulnerability factors make a difference. Emotional problems can’t be solved with logical solutions, so even if you know what to do, you first have to attend to your emotional needs.

Once you’ve assessed the underlying vulnerability factors, you’ll look at specific events in extreme detail. These are your “links” on the chain, and may include actions, physical sensations, thoughts, beliefs, events, and emotions.

Don’t forget to come up with a strategy to prevent repeating whatever did not work. Start with reducing your vulnerability to negative emotional events. This way, when difficult times come up—as they do for anyone—you will be in your healthiest state from which to respond.

Finally, the chain analysis includes a look at the consequences of what happened. The purpose of this is not to judge—there is no assessment of right or wrong, good or bad. Rather, you are assessing effectiveness. Did the behavior work? Did it serve your short-term and long-term goals? Did it cause any problems? This information can help you then fill in the “missing links,” the effective behaviors that will lead to an outcome more consistent with the life you want.

Don’t forget to come up with a strategy to prevent repeating whatever did not work. Start with reducing your vulnerability to negative emotional events. This way, when difficult times come up—as they do for anyone—you will be in your healthiest state from which to respond.

Also, make sure to repair any damage that was done. This will help to protect and strengthen your relationships. Don’t get stuck in criticizing yourself, though. Repair any disappointments by doing better next time.

While the behavioral chain analysis is a skill that you can apply on your own, it is often helpful to receive coaching in this technique from a therapist trained in dialectical behavior therapy. You can search the GoodTherapy.org directory to find someone who has knowledge and experience in this approach.

After practicing the chain analysis in therapy, you’ll have a skill that you can apply in your life outside of the counseling room. This will help you to better understand yourself, how your brain works, and how to become more in control of your actions while also taking care of yourself and attending to your physical and emotional needs.

Father and son sitting on a park bench
Father and son sitting on a park bench

As parents, we frequently focus on learning how best to “discipline” our children. Yet I find the greatest challenge in learning how to be, as a parent, disciplined.

Parents must become savvy in the implementation of effective disciplinary strategies that are clear, reasonable, and enforceable, but—more importantly—parents first must test their own discipline as people. Disciplined parenting calls for heightened self-awareness.

Much of the research on parenting styles has studied the ways in which parents are responsive as well as demanding. Responsiveness is about understanding and meeting needs, while demanding-ness is about establishing and enforcing expectations. Skillful parenting in these ways undergirds two fundamental, equally necessary forces in human development: attachment and autonomy.

To the extent we are securely attached, we experience trust and emotional connection which are critical to enhancing our capacity for relating well to others. To the extent we are responsibly autonomous, we are able to self-soothe and engage in independent tasks which are critical to living well in society.

[fat_widget_child_counselor_right]

Parenting challenges such as attention-seeking behaviors and power struggles are nearly always expressions of underlying and unresolved needs functioning toward a child’s development. As parents, we must recognize in facing such behavior that we stand at a crossroads—externally control our children’s behavior or positively influence their intrinsic development?

The American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr became famous for a prayer he often repeated in one form or another: “Lord, grant me the courage to change the things that I can, peace to accept what I cannot, and the wisdom to know the difference.” In the context of parenting, at least, change is about control.

We must learn there are limits to the effectiveness of external control in cultivating the development of our children’s character and resiliency, yet we can provide a great amount of powerful influence.

When kids misbehave, wise parents respond in ways that guide the development of the person hidden underneath the monstrous mood and the impulsive behavior. In other words, we can change the way we respond to our children’s behavior in positive ways that demonstrate greater insight, courage, and skill.

We must understand, for instance, that we cannot purely control our children’s disobedient behavior, refusal to do chores, sneakiness, shyness, moodiness, tantrums, demands, overreactions, unresponsiveness to affections or praise, or unwillingness to participate or connect.

What we can control, however, are the ways in which we establish rules and set limits, link privileges to responsibility, allow space and privacy, show interest and inquire into their lives, provide regular choices, use a calm yet firm voice, give our affections and praise, and plan and spend quality time together.

When kids misbehave, wise parents respond in ways that guide the development of the person hidden underneath the monstrous mood and the impulsive behavior. In other words, we can change the way we respond to our children’s behavior in positive ways that demonstrate greater insight, courage, and skill.

The Couch Potato

Some parents are disengaged from their children’s lives and tend to be emotionally detached, practically uninvolved, and negligent in establishing expectations and guidance. I call these parents “couch potatoes.” They are characterized by unresponsiveness to needs, few demands, and little communication.

There are several ways to traumatize with neglect. Provide food and shelter, if that, but little else. Remain emotionally distant. Be selfish and uncaring. Do not enforce any standards of any kind. Uninvolved parenting practically ensures that a child will fear and sabotage close relationships, experience heightened anxiety, and have significant deficiencies in his or her capacity for empathy and even ethical decision-making.

The Dictator

Some parents are highly demanding of their children but not responsive to their emotional needs. I call them “dictatorial” parents. These parents are generally characterized as more rigid, harsh, and demanding and tend to engage in provocative and punitive forms of discipline.

There are several ways we can make children behave—force, fear, and punishment. Dictatorial tactics serve to overpower a child. These methods may result in the restoration of order and compliance, yet far from nurturing unmet developmental needs, they simply make a child angry, resentful, fearful, and dependent upon force.

The Peer

Some parents are highly responsive to their children’s perceived emotional needs but not very demanding. They are overly responsive to a child’s wants and seldom establish or enforce consistent rules or limits. I call them “peer” parents. Others may characterize them as soft or pathetic in their approach to discipline.

There are several ways we can get children off our backs—whine, appease, avoid. Permissive parents are warm and nurturing with their children, yet may fail to engage in effective guidance. By overvaluing friendliness and undervaluing other aspects and principles, parents may inadvertently reward or reinforce immature or deviant behavior.

The Disciplined Parent

Parents who are highly attuned and responsive to their children’s needs and are also highly demanding of them in guiding them toward maturity and independence are, by necessity, disciplined in their parenting. Disciplined parents are firm but not rigid; they are willing to make an exception when the situation warrants.

Disciplined parenting engages in responsive and restorative discipline that focuses on instilling key values and skills, including self-soothing, delaying gratification, constructive communication, fairness, and citizenship. Disciplined parenting serves to empower a child, focusing on responding to developmental needs (the responsive aspect) and teaching how to make things right after they’ve gone wrong (the restorative aspect).

How would you describe your own approach to parenting and discipline?

Young Girl Staring out WindowAs a therapist, I’ve used eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy to treat many adults with mental health issues resulting from trauma. This method of therapy is also safe and effective for children and adolescents, provided that the therapist is skilled and trained in working with this population and in this modality.

What Is EMDR?

When a painful or upsetting experience happens, the memory of the experience sometimes stays “stuck” in the body and mind. Over time, the occurrence may manifest anew in disturbing and invasive ways.

Dr. Ricky Greenwald, a pioneer in developing EMDR therapy for children and teens, describes EMDR as “a non-drug, non-hypnosis psychotherapy procedure. The therapist guides the client in concentrating on a troubling memory or emotion while moving the eyes rapidly back and forth (by following the therapist’s fingers). This rapid eye movement, which occurs naturally during dreaming, seems to speed the client’s movement through the healing process.”

After experiencing trauma, a child may have recurring nightmares or cope by avoiding things associated with the disturbing experience. For example, a child who experienced a car accident may exhibit defiant behavior when in a vehicle, or protest having to travel in the first place.

[fat_widget_trauma_ptsd_right]

Essentially, EMDR can help the brain “digest” the memory of the traumatic event.

How Does EMDR Help Children?

EMDR is effective and well supported by research evidence for treating children with symptoms accompanying posttraumatic stress (PTSD), attachment issues, dissociation, and self-regulation. It has also been effective in treating symptoms related to guilt, anger, depression, and anxiety, and can be used to boost emotional resources such as confidence and self-esteem.

During the past five years, the World Health Organization and the California Evidence Based-Clearinghouse for Child Welfare recommended two psychotherapies for children, adolescents, and adults with PTSD: trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy and EMDR. Of the two modalities, some of the research describes EMDR as “significantly more efficient.” My experience as a therapist echoes these recommendations.

One Therapist’s Experience with EMDR

I have personally witnessed children and teens improve in their overall functioning after being treated with EMDR, sometimes after only a few sessions. These children experienced PTSD symptoms as a result of bullying, psychological abuse, sexual abuse, and invasive medical procedures. Some of these traumas occurred at the hands of someone with malicious intent; others were formed from the child’s perceived intent.

Since our emotional states are a result of how we perceive the world, a child may have stress related to a memory that, to anyone else, would not seem to be a “big deal.” In an effort to help their children “get over it,” parents often tell them things such as, “It’s not that bad,” or, “He wasn’t that mean to you.” But if the experience was traumatic to the child, it was traumatic—period.

In an effort to help their children “get over it,” parents often tell them things such as, “It’s not that bad,” or, “He wasn’t that mean to you.” But if the experience was traumatic to the child, it was traumatic—period.

Trauma can result from one event, multiple events, or a series of them. These events can cause children to see the world as dangerous and can alter their ability to function. A child may experience anxiety, fear of death, panic, powerlessness, anger, and deep sadness. When the trauma is a result of violence perpetrated by a caregiver they trust, it becomes overwhelming and can cause a child to be in a constant state of worry. This, of course, interferes with the child’s ability to trust or to sustain and maintain relationships.

Therapy can be a scary prospect to a child. When I explain to a child that our brains are amazing things that have the ability to heal themselves, and that I will help their brains do just that, they usually react with curiosity and intrigue and the process becomes much less scary.

What to Look for in an EMDR Therapist

The safety of any treatment modality depends on the practitioner’s aptitude to administer it. A licensed therapist who is fully trained in EMDR is well equipped to help a child or teen. The therapist should have training in how to apply the method to the child’s specific developmental needs and an ability to explain the process to the child in a way he or she will understand. A full history should be obtained from the parents, who should be considered partners in tracking changes in the child as the treatment progresses.

EMDR is often used in combination with other therapeutic modalities, such as art therapy, sand tray therapy, play therapy, yoga therapy, and even animal-assisted therapy. A therapist who offers a multifaceted approach, based on the child’s unique needs and interests, is ideal.

If interested in seeking the help of an EMDR-trained therapist, search GoodTherapy.org’s directory for a therapist near you.

References:

  1. California Evidence-Based Clearinghouse for Child Welfare. (2010). Retrieved from http://www.cebc4cw.org
  2. Gomez, A. (2008). Beyond PTSD: Treating depression in children and adolescents using EMDR. Paper presented at the annual meeting of the EMDR International Association, Phoenix, AZ.
  3. Jaberghaderi, N., Greenwald, R., Rubin, A., Zand, S. O., and Dolatabadi, S. (2004). A comparison of CBT and EMDR for sexually abused Iranian girls. Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy, 11,358-368.
  4. Trauma Institute & Child Trauma Institute. (2015). Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing. Retrieved from http://www.childtrauma.com/treatment/emdr/
  5. World Health Organization. (2013). Guidelines for the Management of Conditions Specifically Related to Stress. Geneva, Switzerland. Retrieved from http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK159725/

Playing footbal at the sunset on the beachDo you spend too much time on other people’s problems?

You lead a busy lifestyle and you have plenty of problems of your own to solve. But have you ever noticed how much time you spend solving other people’s problems? Perhaps while you’re trying to reply to a few emails, your coworker stops by to complain about his neighbor—again. Or maybe your roommate is always telling you about her various dating escapades without noticing that you’re in the middle of something.

In therapy sessions, one of the first things I find myself doing is helping people focus on their own lives and stop trying to solve other people’s problems. I sometimes call others’ problems “hot potatoes” because they often feel urgent, which reminds me of the game we play with kids—passing the potato around until the music stops. Nobody wants to be left holding the hot potato, especially if it doesn’t belong to you.

[fat_widget_right]

If you are a parent, friend, coworker, or roommate, you hear your share of other people’s problems. It takes practice to learn to deflect the hot potato. We all know what it looks like: someone dumps a problem on your lap and looks at you with hopeful eyes. It’s my job, in part, to help people through these problems and feel better. I am happy to listen to hot potatoes and am trained to help address them, relying on my professional experience and skill set.

But for people who don’t do what I do, it can be tiring being the one friends and family go to for relief of daily dramas. Rest assured you can still be a loyal parent, partner, and friend without fixating on someone else’s life. Here are two ideas for passing a problem back to its owner:

  1. When someone shares problems with you, remember that it is not always an invitation to help the person problem-solve. Are you being paid to solve this problem? Often, the other person just wants to vent and you need do nothing more than nod and attempt to show genuine empathy and understanding. Some good responses are, “That sounds difficult,” “How frustrating,” or, “That would upset me, too.” These validating responses are usually much appreciated when accompanied by active listening, with no further action typically necessary.
  2. When you attempt to solve someone else’s problem by giving advice or offering action, remember that you don’t want to rob the other person of the opportunity to use their own skills. This is especially important for parents to understand. When your child comes to you with a problem about school, a friend, or anything else, your first response after listening carefully and empathizing should be something along the lines of, “What do you think you’re going to do?” (This is, of course, if venting alone does not solve the problem, which it often does.) Give your child a chance to solve the problem. You’ll be surprised at how often kids come up with satisfactory answers. Since the world is not engineered to be problem-free for anyone, it is a wonderful thing when kids learn that they have good ideas and can take initiative, with parental support, in problem solving.

It can be tiring being the one friends and family go to for relief of daily dramas. Rest assured you can still be a loyal parent, partner, and friend without fixating on someone else’s life.

“What do you think you’re going to do?” works well with roommates and friends, too. Instead of putting your own spin on someone else’s problem, let the person be the one to throw out ideas while you relax and listen. It takes practice, but it will bring you appreciation of others’ thought processes as well as free you from the frustration of being asked for advice that ultimately isn’t taken.

Letting others solve their problems gives you a chance to work on your listening and empathizing skills. You don’t have to be attached to outcomes of others’ situations, since you didn’t provide any hopes, promises, or directions. And think about how gratifying it is to help bring out others’ strengths just by allowing them the opportunity to identify and draw on them. Solution-focused therapy uses these methods as part of its core philosophy. I can’t take away someone’s problems, but I am confident that I can help most people identify and build the skills they need using their own strengths.

When you free yourself from stressing over other people’s problems and hand them back their own hot potatoes, you will find yourself with more time, energy, and emotional resources to take care of yourself. If you need help figuring out which hot potatoes are worth tossing back and which are yours to handle, seek the help of a qualified therapist.

Important Notice

GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.

×

Are You a Therapist?

Grow your practice. Join our trusted directory and connect with clients who need your expertise.

Sign Up Now

Find a Therapist