Rachel Dolezal, a Caucasian woman, has dominated recent news with her assertion that she identifies as black. Like many people, I was initially perplexed about why someone would choose to identify with an oppressed culture. What benefit is there to choosing to belong to a group of people who have been marginalized?

When people have difficult and character-forming experiences, they generally want them to be witnessed, honored, and respected. People with visible identities, as race typically is, naturally have this validating experience. For many people, parts of their identities and the way they understand themselves come from the struggles and challenges they have endured.

Poverty is a prime example. Though we may not consciously consider poverty an identity, for many people it is one. Many people who experience poverty have a shared experience of not having enough, being judged, and being marginalized. Poverty informs how people experience and interpret the world.

I worked with a 48-year-old woman—I’ll call her Nina—who consistently spoke of “being poor.” For most of her childhood, her family struggled financially and did not have their basic needs of food, shelter, and clothing met on a regular basis. When she was 14, her family’s situation changed. Her mother got a well-paying job, they bought a home, and they had financial security, as is true to this day.

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As a grown woman, Nina continued to refer to herself as poor, though she factually had not experienced poverty for 34 years. Nina’s earlier experience of living in poverty was so defining that it became part of her identity.

This phenomenon is also true for internal experiences. Consider people who have experienced, say, addiction or depression. “I’m an addict” and “I’m a depressed person” are phrases that I have heard many times. People often define their entire being by a challenging part of themselves, when in reality it is one of many aspects and identities that comprise who they are.

As human beings, we are wired to connect to others and to be recognized and understood by others. Tightly gripping an “old” identity is a way to keep that part of you visible—to keep the struggle of addiction or depression or trauma or poverty as a real and acknowledged part of your existence.

Being depressed is not all of a person. It is an experience, albeit it an unpleasant one. People who are depressed are also parents and friends and colleagues. There are many other pieces to who they are in addition to their depression. However, unlike depression, being a parent is visible. Being a colleague is visible. People see and understand these roles and identities and, in turn, validate them.

What happens when life circumstances shift and their current experiences no longer fit their description of themselves? Though Nina no longer lives in poverty and has not for more time than she has, she still very strongly identifies with being “poor.” When someone is no longer depressed, does he or she still say, “I’m a depressed person”? Many people do. They become so used to understanding themselves one way that it becomes the dominant narrative of their life, even when it no longer fits the circumstances.

As human beings, we are wired to connect to others and to be recognized and understood by others. Tightly gripping an “old” identity is a way to keep that part of you visible—to keep the struggle of addiction or depression or trauma or poverty as a real and acknowledged part of your existence.

But you can release parts and identities that no longer fit while still having them as part of you and your story.

Narrative therapy is a technique that allows people to share and tell the stories of their lives. It makes visible what is invisible. The struggles, challenges, and resilience that you have developed during your lifetime are part of your story. The ways we self-identify at one point in our lives may be different than at another point, and both identities can be true. Narrative therapy helps to weave together these many different aspects of life into a multifaceted story. It gives us the richness and fullness of our experiences as people rather than limiting us to one way of being. It helps us understand that we are not only our race or gender or depression or addiction. Instead, those aspects are pieces of a changing, evolving, and larger picture of who we are.

What an incredible breach of trust. Not only did he lie to you about not having kids, which I’m sure made sense to him at the time, but he perpetuated the lie by actively hiding an account from you and keeping important financial information from you. Of course you are having concerns and wondering if you can trust him.

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Often people lie for one of two reasons—from fear and a desire to avoid negative consequences, or to gain something they don’t believe they can gain via the truth. Your husband says he lied initially because he didn’t think you would accept him if you knew the truth. Lying can become a habit and even a coping mechanism. Lying can generate fear of being found out, which necessitates additional lies until it looks as if there is no way out. It seems as if your husband justified continuing to lie for fear that if you learned the truth his world would unravel. I am not condoning his actions, but I can see how one lie begets another and another until it seems insurmountable.

Often people lie for one of two reasons—from fear and a desire to avoid negative consequences, or to gain something they don’t believe they can gain via the truth.Now that the truth is out, this would be a great time to work with your husband on becoming completely honest with you about everything. That means giving you access to all of his financial records, legal documents, and passwords as well as sharing his entire unvarnished history with you. Whether or not you intend to stay in your marriage, if you are going to parent with him, rebuilding trust is going to be important for you and for your kids. I recommend working with a therapist on this process. If your husband has indeed been hiding even more, being able to tell you about it in a safe, neutral environment may encourage more transparency. It may also encourage him to consider why he chose dishonesty for so long.

I should mention that, while uncommon, there are some individuals who lie without remorse, who use dishonesty to manipulate, or who lie simply because they can. It is a very small percentage of the population, and I am not suggesting that your husband falls into that category, but it might be helpful to have professional support as well to ensure that you are not dealing with this particular type of individual.

Best of luck,
Erika

While symptoms of inattention and hyperactivity tend to be prominent in any discussion about ADHD, difficulty beginning tasks is another major issue for many individuals with the condition. In fact, in some cases, difficulty initiating tasks is a more visible symptom of attention-deficit hyperactivity than difficulties focusing or sitting still.

Here are four strategies to help facilitate task initiation:

1. Break down large tasks into parts. Create a schedule of when you will do each part or set a deadline for when each part should be completed. For some individuals, an hour-by-hour breakdown of their day that notes when specific tasks should be completed is the best way to ensure that they get completed. For other individuals, having to follow an hour-by-hour schedule may seem daunting and annoying. Thus, one modification of this strategy is to estimate how long each scheduled task will take and list each part of the task on a piece of paper with the time needed to complete the parts. One can begin tasks at his or her leisure as long as sufficient time is allowed to complete what is needed. This method may be more difficult to follow through on, but having a moderate amount of structure sometimes is enough to initiate completion.
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2. Set up motivators that encourage you to complete tasks. For homework or household tasks, forgo watching a television show, playing video games, or doing something else of interest until a specific task is completed. If the task requires running an errand, identify a small reward to motivate you to complete the errand. For instance, if you have to go to the library, tell yourself that if you go, you can treat yourself to frozen yogurt.
3. Work in an environment consistently associated with work. The setting in which you complete homework or other tasks is important. If completing tasks requiring sustained focus, make sure you are working in a quiet area. Ideally, if you can complete tasks in an area that you use only for this type of work, you can train yourself to focus better knowing that when in that area, you are supposed to be working. If you were to try to complete homework while sitting in front of the television in the family room, chances are you’d be more focused on turning on the TV than working.
4. Reduce distractions. Switch your cell phone to silent mode, turn it off, or put it in another room. Being tempted to check email, text, open a notification from an app, and so forth will draw your attention away from the task at hand. All the time you take to check your phone and get back on task is wasted time, and it adds up to quite a bit of time if working for a few hours or more.

In general, if beginning tasks is difficult for you, look at what things stop you or get in the way. Are there specific distractions? Is there boredom with the task at hand? Do you have trouble understanding the directions? Something else?

Identifying the causes of your task initiation difficulty and developing behavioral strategies to make it easier to begin tasks will likely lead to greater success with task completion.

The refrain is familiar. Frazzled parents enter my office and are at a loss as to how to handle the intense emotions of their child. “He goes from zero to 60 in no time flat,” they report. Sometimes the child is lashing out in anger, sometimes he or she is overcome with sadness. The overall effect is that the parents are left confused about how to help the child put on the brakes when emotions take control.

Let’s look at a case of a child we’ll call Justin (not his real name). Justin, a third-grade student, has always had trouble managing intense anger. He often loses his temper with his younger brother, resorting to screaming, hitting, or saying very mean things (i.e. “I hope you die!”). He sometimes makes hissing noises at his parents when he becomes so angry that he can’t express his feelings in words. Other times, he attempts to escape the situation by leaving the house or hiding.

Justin’s parents never know exactly what will set him off, so they find themselves walking on eggshells in their own home. The types of events that may trigger an emotional reaction for Justin are often minor and seem out of proportion. Chores, homework, and other daily activities can ruin an entire day, and the family sometimes feels compelled to leave social events due to his behavior.

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His parents simply want Justin to be resilient enough to handle the obstacles he faces in his daily life. They know his behavior has, at times, impacted his peer relationships, and although Justin desires more friendships, he has a difficult time establishing and maintaining them because of his anger outbursts.

When Justin comes to counseling sessions, we spend a lot of time exploring these events and searching for more appropriate coping skills. As Justin has progressed through counseling, he has made strides to recognize that his intense emotional reactions are causing more problems than they are solving. We work on relaxation and realistic reframing of negative thoughts to help get through these events.

As we worked through these types of experiences, a pattern began to emerge that I have frequently seen with others.

Finding the first emotion is a skill that is beneficial for both children and adults. Parents can help to coach their children through this process as well.

When Justin had an angry outburst because he was going to have to share his post-baseball game ice cream with his brother, he was already in a poor mood because his team had lost the game and he had struck out. Was this outburst really about having to share his ice cream?

After having a tantrum at home because he would not be allowed to play with his neighborhood friend due to other family commitments that day, his teacher sent an email sharing that Justin had been upset at school about an argument with that friend. Was the meltdown related to the fact the family had other plans and he wasn’t getting his way?

Being asked to put his homework away after spending over an hour on a writing assignment caused a major incident with books being thrown, name-calling, and Justin being carried to his room because he was unable to calm himself. Was the incident caused by being asked to transition from homework to dinner time?

In each of these situations, there was a preceding event that triggered some uncomfortable emotions in Justin. He felt embarrassed by his performance during the baseball game; he was worried about the impact of the argument with his friend; and he was frustrated by the writing assignment that he felt had to be “just right.” It is easy to mistake the reaction as the stubborn response of an obstinate child.

By working with Justin to trace back the events to the true trigger, it became clear that he experiences uncomfortable emotions and struggles to verbalize them and process them independently. This results the discomfort building and eventually exploding as anger, directed at anybody who may be nearby. Through therapy, Justin continues to work on identifying the first uncomfortable emotion and finding ways to reduce the resulting anxiety before it builds to the point that he acts out in anger.

Finding the first emotion is a skill that is beneficial for both children and adults. Parents can help to coach their children through this process as well. Here are some steps to help you get started with identifying the first emotion:

• Help the child understand that emotions are neither good nor bad. Some make us feel uncomfortable, but that is a natural (and beneficial) experience.
• Process events once the child is calm. Backtrack and identify the first occurrence of an uncomfortable emotion. Work to identify the original trigger. Guide without judgment. Ask, “What happened before that? How did you feel when that happened?”
• Focus on the first emotion. Most likely it is uncomfortable to talk about and is related to feeling frustrated, worried, unsure, or embarrassed.
• Brainstorm ways to resolve that uncomfortable first emotion. It can be sharing the feelings verbally, finding ways to reframe negative thoughts associated with the uncomfortable emotion, or using self-talk to get through those difficult moments.

Coping with an affair is one of the greatest challenges a couple might face. Some people choose not to try to cope and instead leave the relationship feeling devastated by unprocessed anger and hurt. Others choose to stay and find answers, potentially leading to reconnection and rediscovery.

Recent research indicates that lifetime rates of infidelity in the United States range from roughly 22% for men and 13% for women, with anywhere from 20% to 40% of couples worldwide admitting to having engaged in an affair during their lifetime. When a person finds out that his or her partner has strayed, feelings of betrayal, confusion, and abandonment may cast a painful shadow over everyday life. It takes time to reestablish trust. If both partners are committed to making the relationship work, it is possible to make a full recovery from an affair.

Research shows that approximately 60% to 75% of couples stay together after discovering an affair, and recent studies demonstrate that structured therapeutic approaches can be globally more effective in facilitating affair recovery, notably in the areas of trust, conflict management, relational satisfaction, and quality of sex.

As a couples therapist, I’ve watched couples go through a five-step process while working through this difficult time. Results show that structured therapeutic methods are globally more effective in facilitating affair recovery than treatment-as-usual approaches. But to fully heal, you and your partner must go through each step together.

At each step, you will peel back the layers of your relationship, discussing what happened leading up to the affair. As you dig in deeper, you may realize that there were issues in the relationship and individually that contributed to the affair. Keeping these issues in mind will guide you as you address the real sources of the problems.

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Use each step below to guide your discovery of the true sources of problems in your relationship. The steps do not necessarily happen in order. However, each one is necessary and fundamental to the healing and rebuilding of your life together.

1. Apologies and Forgiveness

Before you can move forward, both people need to make the choice to remain in the relationship and work through things. It won’t be easy. It is imperative that the person who had the affair apologizes, and that the offended partner offers forgiveness.

The person who had the affair must offer a genuine, heartfelt apology. The apology must acknowledge the hurt and pain the other person is feeling. He or she must openly express empathy for the myriad emotions the other person is experiencing.

The person who was cheated on must forgive the affair. Research on forgiveness after infidelity shows that solidarity-oriented personality and perceived partner’s reconciliation motivation facilitate benign attributions and empathy, then facilitate higher levels of decisional forgiveness, which promotes emotional forgiveness. It’s this forgiveness that will allow reconnection to happen.

2. Commitment and Communication

Both partners must feel committed to each other. This commitment is significant as you move through the healing process.

Demonstrate your commitment of patience and time by listening to and openly communicating the “how” and “why” of the affair. Reassure each other that you will figure out how your relationship got to this point.

The goal is to discover the underlying factors and triggers that contributed to the affair. Some couples find the affair was a symptom of growing apart. Others find the affair stemmed from feeling disconnected and distant. Research reveals similarities among partners in recovery: frequent and quality communication, mechanisms for rebuilding safety and trust, and the importance of forgiveness, though partners’ experiences varied regarding responses to needs for comfort, their sexual relationship, and responding to reminders. Regardless of the reason, open communication and commitment to each other is necessary for getting to the root of what caused the affair.

3. Mourning the Affair

Grief and sadness are natural feelings after an affair. Experiencing and expressing the pile of emotions you’re going through is part of the healing process.

Allow the offended partner to express these feelings of betrayal and the emotional impact of the affair.

Key Insight: Nathanael Schlect, Licensed Associate Counselor “In the aftermath of betrayal, anger is often protective. It can create emotional distance when vulnerability feels too risky.”

Through all the pain and emotion, both partners will eventually need to take ownership of the underlying issues that caused the affair.

4. Awakening and Rebuilding Trust

Through all the pain and emotion, both partners will eventually need to take ownership of the underlying issues that caused the affair. In this stage, you will both awaken and recognize that the affair was a symptom of a problem, or problems, in the relationship.

As you work on repairing the underlying issues, you will rebuild trust and create a new sense of security and safety. Recent systematic research identifies five key themes for trust repair: proactive transparency, active monitoring, remorse and accountability, shared activities, and clear communication of reasons for the betrayal. Feelings that were never expressed may float to the surface. Issues that were never discussed will become a new part of the relationship.

Key Insight: Nathanael Schlect, Licensed Associate Counselor “Healing after infidelity isn’t about eliminating anger. It’s about slowing the intensity enough that grief, fear, and longing can be expressed safely.”

It’s during this stage that physical intimacy may be rekindled and emotional intimacy restored. The offended partner must feel reassured that he or she is still attractive and desirable to the partner who had the affair.

5. Reconnection and Acceptance

As you move into a stage of acceptance, the period of mourning your old relationship comes to a close. You’re ready to reconnect and rebuild your new relationship by learning from your mistakes. You’re ready to leave behind the relationship that once was, and to create a happy, new future together.

Clinical studies show that about 70% of couples report greater marital satisfaction post-therapy than they had pre-affair, having used the crisis as a catalyst to improve communication and closeness. It’s hard to recover from an affair, but with a lot of work, commitment, and dedication, your relationship can grow as a result of the experience. Once you’re able to move past the hurt and pain, you will have a solid, more evolved partnership. The work is well worth it, and partnering with a therapist is a great place to start.

Studies demonstrate that couples with a history of extramarital affairs show significant improvements during therapy leading to increased marital satisfaction, reduced psychological trauma symptoms, and forgiveness in the uninvolved partner, with many couples able to sustain these gains and preserve the integrity of their relationships.

References:

1. Abrahamson, I., Hussain, R., Khan, A., & Schofield, M. J. (2012). What helps couples rebuild their relationship after infidelity? Journal of Family Issues, 33(11), 1494-1519.
2. Giacobbi, E., et al. (2025). Unpacking trust repair in couples: A systematic literature review. Journal of Family Therapy, Published online January 5, 2025. https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-6427.12483
3. Irvine, T. J., Peluso, P. R., Benson, K., Cole, C., Cole, D., Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2024). A pilot study examining the effectiveness of Gottman method couples therapy over treatment-as-usual approaches for treating couples dealing with infidelity. The Family Journal, 32(1), 81-94.
4. Nickerson, K., et al. (2023). Relationship satisfaction and forgiveness following infidelity: A longitudinal study. Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy, 45(3), 234-251.
5. Smith, J., & Taylor, M. (2021). Intrapersonal and interpersonal facilitators of forgiveness following spousal infidelity: A stress and coping perspective. PubMed. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31347701/
6. Weiser, D. A., Shrout, M. R., Thomas, A. V., Edwards, A. L., & Pickens, J. C. (2023). Two decades of infidelity research through an intersectional lens. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 40(2), 412-438.

Andrea woke up feeling great and full of energy. She grabbed a bagel and a coffee on her way to the bus station and ate it on the bus to work. She arrived on time and proceeded to the conference room for an early meeting with her team. During the meeting, Andrea noticed her boss giving her what she perceived as a disapproving look, and became deflated as a result. All her energy was suddenly gone, and an inner voice began telling her an all-too-familiar message: “What did you do this time?” “The fact that your boss is looking at you like that means she’s heavily disappointed in your mediocre way of working!” “If you keep cutting corners, you’re going to lose your job!”

Meet Andrea’s inner critic: the voice that comments on her experience, criticizing her and describing how (awful) things supposedly are, regardless of the actual circumstances.

The inner critic is composed of ideas, beliefs, emotions, thoughts, and voices that try to manage our experience by telling us when we’re doing something right or wrong. We acquire this internalized structure as young children, and it continues to develop throughout our lives. It was initially shaped through our interaction with our environment. As young children, we are completely dependent on our caregivers. Even if they are for the most part responsive and attuned, they don’t always respond to us in ways that support our needs. Depending on their own conditioning, they try to shape us in ways that conform to their perception of reality.

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This can happen in many ways, such as punishment when we don’t behave the way they want us to, or reinforcement when we behave the way they do want us to. This shaping also happens subtly, from simple looks of disapproval or the opposite. Since we are totally dependent on their care, we begin to repress our aliveness and dynamism in order to adapt to how they expect us to behave—avoiding behaviors or expressions that will trigger punishment or disapproval, and doing what will bring their approval. Eventually, we end up internalizing our caregiver’s punishment-and-reward system, and it begins to limit both our worldview and our range of action. In a way, the inner critic is an inner police force that holds in check anything that deviates from our habitual, known patterns of experience and action.

Our caregivers aren’t the only ones influencing the development of the inner critic. Our schools, the environment around us, society, and basically any external input will contribute to creating this inner structure.

It’s important to point out that depending on our upbringing, our inner critic can be very harsh and painful or subtle and harder to notice. However, pretty much everyone has an inner critic that limits his or her expression in the world. In order to grow and develop, we must learn to work with this inner structure.

Breaking Out of Your Comfort Zone

One way of defining “inner work” is understanding and dissolving the internal structures that obstruct our perception of reality. This way of seeing is a direct threat to our conditioned sense of self and sense of reality, so the inner critic, understandably, is going to do everything and anything in its power to discourage us to continue pursuing our work.

Therefore, one of the first structures we must understand and work with is the inner critic. As long as we have an inner voice criticizing us or scaring us about going deeper into ourselves, it will be difficult to progress.

Identifying the Inner Critic’s Triggers

There is no formula for working with the inner critic. Each person’s process is unique, and different techniques may work differently for different people.

Any time you feel guilt, the inner critic is playing its part. There’s a difference between feeling guilt and feeling remorse. The latter is a genuine feeling of pain about the consequences of one’s actions. Guilt, on the other hand, is a self-defeating pattern of making yourself “bad” as a consequence of doing something perceived as wrong. Many times when we feel guilty there is also genuine remorse, and there may be an objective aspect of your behavior to recognize in the situation, but the extra layer of “I am bad for such-and-such” is just plain inner critic impeding us from growing.

Other times, the inner critic lurks when we’re about to embark on a new venture and we feel afraid. It can show up as a critical voice, saying, “You can’t do this” or “Who are you trying to fool?” It can also say, “This is dangerous, don’t even try it!” No matter what it says, the point is it attempts to keep us from engaging in the new endeavor. Identifying the triggers of your inner critic is key to the growth process.

The inner critic is composed of ideas, beliefs, emotions, thoughts, and voices that try to manage our experience by telling us when we’re doing something right or wrong. We acquire this internalized structure as young children, and it continues to develop throughout our lives.

Developing an Awareness Practice

The next step in working with the inner critic consists of learning how to identify its different voices. It can show up with a subtle, seductive voice, as an outright nasty attack, or something in between. By developing presence of mind through mindfulness meditation or other awareness practices, we can begin to notice when it’s lurking. The more identified we are with it, the harder it will be to notice when it is in action. By having a solid foundational awareness practice, in time you’ll be able to discern the inner critic in action.

One of the great benefits of mindfulness is that it allows us to observe our inner phenomena without identifying with them, so by being mindful of our thinking, feeling, and body sensations, we begin to see the different ways the inner critic shows up. Working with the inner critic is a lifelong endeavor, and as we progress on the path, we work with subtler and subtler ways in which the inner critic tries to sabotage our development.

Disidentifying from the Inner Critic

When we recognize that we have been attacked by the inner critic, we can experiment by switching our internal voice to the second person: “You are such-and-such!” This can be powerful in revealing the impact the voice is having. I have seen people in therapy begin to notice how harsh and brutal the energy is when they try this. Learning to see the inner critic as an external attack coming toward us, as opposed to being completely identified with it, is essential to neutralizing its power.

Using the Power of Anger to Regain Our Strength

The energy that fuels the inner critic is our own inherent aliveness and strength that’s being hijacked and used against us. At times, the criticism we give ourselves can be harsh and aggressive, and may require a strong defense.

Once we identify an attack and regard it as coming from the outside, we can experiment defending with a strong stand against the attack. Anything from a karate chop in the air to a simple “Get off my back!” with the right tone can be effective; it’s important to experiment and find what works for you. The purpose here is to reclaim our strength, so the energy, tone, and way we do this can be very different from person to person.

Effectively Using Compassion

Sometimes a forceful defense may not be effective, and a more gentle approach may be what’s needed. Simply getting in touch with the pain the attack produces in us and feeling compassion for our suffering can be a powerful way to disarm the critic. When the full force of self-compassion is present, any shred of attack will likely melt away.

Having an Ally Is a Must

Inner work isn’t easy, and navigating our inner landscape can be very confusing, so having an ally in the form of a therapist, teacher, or coach is imperative when going into the deeper aspects of working with the inner critic. Although each of the strategies mentioned above is helpful in giving you space from the critic, for deeper work you must also develop an embodied, contextual understanding of its origins, its impact, its phenomenology as a structure, and its energy. This requires a commitment to going into places inside of us that are old, hidden, and scary. It is difficult to do this alone, so the help of a compassionate therapist or other professional will make your work easier.

Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is generally described as a skills-based treatment, a type of cognitive behavioral therapy, and an intensive team-based approach to help people who have severe difficulties with emotion regulation. It has helped many people to manage their emotions, have better relationships, and create fulfilling lives.

When you look a bit deeper, though, at what the DBT skills actually do, they can be seen as opening the mind to curiosity and empathy. This empathic curiosity is the key to better relationships and increased positive emotional experiences. Curiosity—wanting to know—is paired with, and supports, the capacity to imagine the emotional experiences of other people.

So often—and this is reinforced by our social context—we make assumptions rather than being curious. In conversations with others, we think ahead to what we are going to say next, or we make interpretations about the meaning of what the other person is saying.

What if, rather than interpreting or analyzing another person’s words or actions, we were to remain curious about the many possibilities for what the person may be thinking or feeling?

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As children, we were naturally curious. We were constantly asking, “Why?”

Over time, many people lose that natural curiosity because it is often not reinforced by the environment. We are taught to be obedient, to not question, to do what we are “supposed” to do and leave it at that.

From a dialectical behavior therapy perspective, this stifling of curiosity is a part of an invalidating environment. We all experience invalidation in various ways, but people with difficulty managing intense emotions often come from social environments they have experienced as especially invalidating. If curiosity is ignored, judged, or criticized, you learn to stop expressing curiosity because it is not reinforced.

Why be curious? To start with, curiosity makes it possible for us to empathize with others. We wonder how another person may be feeling, what he or she may be thinking, and how he or she may be experiencing us. This allows us to tailor our responses based on this relational context.

Why be curious? To start with, curiosity makes it possible for us to empathize with others. We wonder how another person may be feeling, what he or she may be thinking, and how he or she may be experiencing us. This allows us to tailor our responses based on this relational context. Others experience us as empathic, and this leads to better-functioning relationships.

DBT’s mindfulness skills support this curiosity. It starts with observing—not judging, not evaluating, but simply using our five senses to take in the present moment. Then we put words to our experience by describing what we have observed. Mindfulness requires participating in the moment—just throwing yourself in—and letting go of whatever judgmental thoughts or distractions come up.

In a relational context, mindfulness takes an even deeper form. So often in our interactions with others, we become so lost in intense emotional reactions that we forget the importance of this person and the relationship in our lives. We may be focused on being right, even if that does not get us the outcome we are looking for. The mindfulness skills in DBT teach us to focus on being effective—on doing what works.

When communicating with another person, relationship mindfulness requires being present, holding in mind an imagination of the other person’s experience, and focusing on effectiveness (both short- and long-term). It requires a willingness to do what is needed, even if it’s uncomfortable or difficult. Most of all, relationship mindfulness requires not forgetting the authentic, valid experience of the other person as well as of yourself. Even if the other person has said or done something you do not like, his or her experiences, needs, and desires are valid. Even if your own emotional responses are difficult to tolerate, they are valid.

Empathic curiosity requires a conscious decision—to turn yourself toward the present moment and to open your mind to want to know that which is not always obvious or clear. Such a decision can change your relationships and your life.

Many of us have close friendships that we value. Unfortunately, there is often a pattern of decline in friendships after a diagnosis of autism. Through the work I’ve done with people in therapy and my own experience of raising a child on the autism spectrum, I have found that there are several reasons for this.

A Diagnosis Changes Relationships

I often caution parents new to the diagnosis that their lives are about to completely change. After an autism diagnosis, almost nothing remains the same. Parents typically enter a grieving process while trying to navigate new doctor and therapy schedules. Maintaining friendships often becomes the least of their concerns.

Autism also has a way of weeding out “friends” who were never all that supportive in the first place. People who are overly dependent, toxic people, or those who simply drain tend to go by the wayside. You no longer have time or patience for drama. Those who don’t understand or empathize with your grief process may become angry that you don’t have time for them or accuse you of changing. “You’re just not the same person,” they might say. “I miss the old Sally.”

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Sally represents myriad autism moms, especially, who continue to share the same story: “My friends just don’t get it.”

There is a “get it” factor in parenting kids with autism spectrum issues. Those who get it become part of your inner circle. Those who don’t are weeded out, often through no particular fault of their own.

Time and Energy Are Precious

Autism takes a great amount of time and energy as a parent. This is perhaps the biggest obstacle to maintaining friendships. If you work, even part-time, the challenge becomes greater. Children on the spectrum tend to miss more school than the average child due to associated health issues. Their sleep hygiene tends to be poor or more irregular. Children with autism often need constant supervision to ensure they don’t get hurt or run away. It can be overwhelming.

If you have other children in the household, it can be a struggle to maintain a balance of time with them and your child on the spectrum. There never seems to be enough of you to go around.

If there is a spouse or significant other, there is the additional challenge of nurturing that relationship.

At the end of the day, you might be so exhausted that the last thing you want to do is get on the phone to call (or return a call from) a friend.

There is a “get it” factor in parenting kids with autism spectrum issues. Those who get it become part of your inner circle. Those who don’t are weeded out, often through no particular fault of their own.

Assumptions Can Get in the Way

There are assumptions that we make about others that may or may not be true. One of the most prevalent is that people are judging us. Many autism parents’ homes are unkempt at best, and some are embarrassed to invite others into their chaos. Right or wrong, healthy or not, this is a reality for many spectrum moms in my community. Also, many children with autism don’t adapt well to others in their physical space, so some parents don’t invite others over for that reason.

Of course, parents may also assume that others don’t want to be friends anymore because it’s too much of a hassle. Let’s face it: When friends call and I can’t call back; when they invite me to events and I keep declining; when I finally do make plans but back out at the last minute, these things do not serve friendships. It may begin to appear as if I don’t want to engage, even if this couldn’t be further from the truth.

Another common assumption is that other parents don’t want their kids to socialize with children on the spectrum. This is sometimes untrue, but not universally.

The Importance of Letting It Go

So what’s the solution? Is there one? I think the answer varies from person to person, family to family. The guilt associated with not being able to call others back or return favors tends to eat away at the people I’ve encountered in therapy. My advice to them is the same as the advice I received while in my counseling internship. One day while I was agonizing over feeling like a bad friend, my then-supervisor (now someone I call a friend) said, “Janeen, you have enough BS and ‘have-tos’ in your life. Let this go.”

And that was it. I had permission to let it go, and so I did.

There aren’t many people I call “friend.” There are only two I call in crises who can talk me off my ledge. After almost 18 years of parenting a child with special needs, I have come to know what’s truly important in life. My inability to return a phone call, and all of the guilt that accompanies it, is at the bottom of the list.

If you’re the parent of a child on the spectrum, I hope it’s at the bottom of your list as well.

I don’t suppose it’s much consolation, but you describe your situation very well—lost in your mind, indeed. You seem very much in your head, sort of like having an “out of body” experience of sorts. So the antidote might be to get out of your mind, if you will. I say that with a smile because I think if you get out of your mind and into the rest of yourself—body and soul, for example—you may feel less lost.

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How to begin?

First, I’d pursue a therapeutic relationship with someone who will help you lose your mind and find yourself. Does that sound trite? Maybe, but the truth is often so simple that people overlook it. Based solely on what you have written, you sound as if you might be depressed. There are a number of ways to deal with depression, including, depending on the individual, psychotherapy (talk therapy is helpful), medication (in concert with therapy), body therapy (yoga therapy or some somatic therapy or mindfulness activity that you find to your taste), and participation in doings that have nothing to do with work. Such doings may include, say, yoga or art or sports or music or, maybe best of all, a volunteer activity that will exercise your compassion.

You write that you are privileged and have no purpose. Find one. Maybe you could tutor, garden, or help out at the animal shelter.

You write that you are privileged and have no purpose. Find one. Maybe you could tutor, garden, or help out at the animal shelter. I don’t know what kinds of things appeal to you, but find something you like that will enable you to contribute to our world and then do it. Having had the privilege of a good education, you have much to offer your community and the world.

You write that you “put a smile on” and go on. I applaud your “going on-ness” and it’s a good start, but remember what Henry David Thoreau wrote long ago: “Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.” I hope you pursue and find your song and sing it. Sing several. Sing a cantata.

You say you have “no real human experience.” I’m not sure what you mean by that, but if there is some particular experience you are lacking, then this would be a topic to discuss with a therapist. What is it? Can it be achieved? How can you go about doing it? Perhaps your life’s purpose is to discover what is meaningful to you and then to manifest your meaning by helping others find what is useful and meaningful to them.

Maybe when you write “human experience,” you mean experiencing your feelings. If that’s so, I invite you to awaken your emotional life through action.

Changing the way you approach the world may change it. I wish you the best!

Take care,
Lynn

Most Americans believe that watching porn is morally wrong (Green, 2014). According to data from the Public Religion Research Institute, only 23% of American women approve of pornography use, as do 35% of men. Despite this seemingly widespread disapproval and the forces of stigma and shame, 40 million people in the United States—about one in eight—are regular porn consumers (Willingham, 2013).

Although the genders of porn viewers are variant, insecurity, jealousy, or resentment about a partner’s pornography use is not uncommon, a reality not lost on media that cover the sensitive topic. An article in XO Jane (Marin, 2014) compares the jealousy that some heterosexual women feel about porn to the jealousy some straight men feel about women’s usage of vibrators. But if the old-fashioned term for sex toys is “marital aids”—and it is—why shouldn’t pornography fall under that umbrella?

I am writing this piece to gently challenge notions that pornography is inherently damaging to users, performers, and real-world sex partners. I believe that, when consumed responsibly, legally, ethically, and in moderation (we’ll get to that part) by consenting adults, not only is there nothing wrong with pornography use, but it can produce positive effects on a marriage or other romantic or sexual relationship. Benefits may include low-risk sexual pleasure, healthy communication about sexual interests, and indulgence in fantasies independent from those shared with a partner.

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Hear me out here.

• Pornography is a relatively low-risk outlet for viewers. The threat of computer viruses notwithstanding, porn consumption is a relatively low-risk sexual behavior. Most of the potential real-world consequences of having sex—such as sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy—aren’t relevant for the porn viewer. For millions of Americans, this may be extremely liberating. You aren’t putting your body (or your partner’s) at risk, and you don’t have to get tested or use protection, as may be the case with the introduction of a new partner. Many people harbor fantasies that they may have no inclination to act on, and porn can provide a safe way to explore such fantasies. It’s important to note that many porn users are more aroused by stories and words than by visual imagery. The massive popularity of the Fifty Shades trilogy has brought to light the utility of literary erotica for indulging in fantasies without necessarily enacting them. Compared to having real-world sex, viewing porn or reading erotica is much, much safer.
• Pornography can facilitate sexual communication and connection. Exchanging photos or videos can be an exciting way to share fantasies with another person with whom you’re intimate. Watching pornographic scenes together or reading erotic stories aloud can greatly heighten sexual tension. If your partnership is open to this sort of exchange, there are even online tools for finding out what fantasies you and your partner share without awkwardness, embarrassment, disappointment, or the fear of grossing someone out.
• Pornography allows for indulgence of interests not shared by a partner. In human partnerships, even when everything else is compatible, even when communication is great, sexual interests rarely come together 100%. Having different fantasies and sex drives is absolutely normal, and while this might be a common source of conflict, it does not necessarily signal impending doom for you and your partner. Porn use can be one way to minimize this gap without going outside the partnership in a direct, interpersonal way. (A note of caution: It’s important to know and consider how your partner feels about porn use independent of one another. Secrets hold potential for damaging relationships. Ideally, there is agreement between both partners as to what’s OK and what’s not with regard to porn consumption when not in each other’s company.)

If you find yourself using porn as a way of distracting yourself, or if you are disengaged from other activities and relationships as a result of porn use, this may be a sign that you should seek help.

The Ethics of Porn

Now that we’ve covered some of the potential benefits of porn, let’s address some of the anti-pornography crowd’s concerns and criticisms. They’re not completely off-base, after all.

• Pornography can be addictive. As with anything else, when you view pornography compulsively, you may not be mindful about the content with which you are engaging. You may be trying to escape uncomfortable emotions or satisfy a physiological urge as quickly as possible. Over time, this can become a problematic pattern. If you find yourself using porn as a way of distracting yourself, or if you are disengaged from other activities and relationships as a result of porn use, this may be a sign that you should seek help. Many therapists specialize in resolving pornography addictions and other compulsions. Mindfulness exercises can help address this type of behavior, as can setting and enforcing time limits on your porn consumption.
• Pornography can be dehumanizing. The dehumanizing effects of pornography go hand-in-hand with its addictive properties. When consuming a lot of visual information, a person can go into sensory overload, which may have a numbing effect. Also, with porn use, there is a distance from the mechanics, bodies, and emotions that are present during real-world sex, which may make it easier to consume large amounts. We should never forget, too, that video-based and photographic pornography depicts real humans engaging in real sex acts. Some performers, though compensated, may have experienced abuse or have addictions or mental health issues that compelled them to participate. For other models, their bodies are commodified coercively and the results of their labor are exchanged through unethical means, sometimes without compensation. Some porn producers cater to illegal markets and interests or do not adhere to accepted safety standards for performers, some of whom consequently contract serious sexually transmitted diseases. Exploitation in porn is a legitimate concern and an absolutely valid reason to be wary of it. (See referrals below for some resources regarding ethical porn.)
• Pornography can develop and perpetuate unrealistic ideas about sex. The pornography industry reaps $4.9 billion worldwide every year (Willingham, 2013). Encased within this figure are the editing of videos, the shaving and bleaching of bodies, and tools for depicting fantasies that might not be easy or ethical to fulfill in real-world relationships. Pornography is about fantasy and does not usually reflect reality. And because of its ease of access, content often falls into the hands of those who don’t have sexual experience or accurate information about sexual health and relationships. Many people are first exposed to pornographic material before they become sexually active, sometimes as early as late childhood and early adolescence. Given that this is a time when young bodies are developing and when youth are learning how to relate to others, porn can produce insecurity and unrealistic expectations regarding sex. (The same ethical concerns about early exposure exist for erotic storytelling, but unlike visual pornography, the only people involved in the manufacturing of erotic literary content are the authors themselves.) When pornography access isn’t combined with real-world knowledge and experience—or with reputable forms of sex education—unhealthy, sexist, and even abusive attitudes may be perpetuated.

Clearly, porn detractors have plenty to point to. But when used ethically, in moderation, and with emotional intelligence by consenting adults, it’s my belief that pornography use can be a healthy pastime and even, under some circumstances, serve to enhance intimate relationships. I hope that this piece can be part of a bigger conversation, inspiring interesting and respectful discussion between curious persons and contributing to healthier attitudes about human sexuality at large.

“Fair-Trade Porn” Articles and Resources:

1. The Feminist Porn Awards. http://www.feministpornawards.com/
2. Fixell, E. (2015). 4 ways you can find ‘ethical porn’. The Daily Dot. Retrieved from http://www.dailydot.com/lifestyle/how-to-find-ethical-porn/
3. Williams, Z. (2014). Is there such a thing as ethical porn? The Guardian. Retrieved from http://www.theguardian.com/culture/2014/nov/01/ethical-porn-fair-trade-sex

References:

1. Green, E. (2014). Most people think watching porn is morally wrong. The Atlantic. Retrieved from http://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2014/03/most-people-think-watching-porn-is-morally-wrong/284240/
2. Janssen, E. (n.d.). Why people use porn. Frontline. Retrieved from http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/porn/special/why.html
3. Marin, V. (2014). ASK A SEX THERAPIST: How to talk to your husband or boyfriend about his porn and masturbation habits. Retrieved from http://www.xojane.com/sex/how-to-talk-to-your-man-about-his-porn-and-masturbation-habits
4. Willingham, T. (2013). The stats on internet pornography. Daily Infographic. Retrieved from http://www.dailyinfographic.com/the-stats-on-internet-pornography-infographic

Have you ever heard that the Chinese word for crisis combines two characters meaning danger and opportunity? This captures the essence of posttraumatic growth—that in traumatic experiences, as upsetting as they are, we can find opportunities for meaning and personal growth.

Posttraumatic growth is not about returning to or recreating the life you had before trauma; rather, it describes the perspective shifts and choices for positive change that often come in the aftermath of significant trauma. Being steeped in the field of resilience myself, the field of posttraumatic growth overlaps and explores not only what helps people get through life’s difficulties, but what helps them thrive as a result of challenge.

Trauma can be simply described as an experience that overwhelms our capacity to cope, so it is no surprise that much of trauma work involves calling in supports that increase one’s capacity to cope with the stress of the trauma. Whether or not we have these aspects of life in place prior to trauma, they can help us to recover, make meaning, and create positive experiences that, while not changing the traumatic situation, give a sense of meaning and purpose to life as it continues on.

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Here are five aspects of posttraumatic growth to reflect on:

1. Personal Strength

What helps you to feel strong and to access resources within yourself? How do you cope with pain, both emotional and physical? There are many ways of dealing with sensations and emotions that feel uncomfortable, and many of us seek out behaviors that have drawbacks—using substances, overworking, or distracting from the pain rather than moving through it. What can you do to help you connect to yourself in a healthy way and process uncomfortable emotions?

Many find strength in sports, exercise, creative endeavors (music, art, theater), or in connecting with and helping others. Take some time to reflect on what could serve you best in this way.

2. New Possibilities

With trauma often comes an organic shift in perspective. Perhaps things that used to be meaningful no longer carry your interest, while other topics feel suddenly more compelling. Take a moment to reflect on what you may want to leave behind and what is pulling your attention moving forward.

Often with trauma, people experience a shift and reprioritization of values; if this has happened for you, what new possibilities exist? How can you shift how you spend your time and energy to reflect these changes?

3. Relating to Others

Social supports are a huge way that we move through difficulty. Trauma may be what leads us to reach out for professional help, or to confide in a friend. We may also have a deeper sense of compassion for others who are suffering, leading us to relate to the world in an entirely new way.

Take a moment to look at your relationships—with family, friends, your community, and society at large. Where do you feel connected, seen, and supported? These are places that can be helpful and healing. If you do not feel you have people who support you, now is a wonderful time to reach out.

Trauma brings us face to face with our mortality and, as such, can lead us to appreciate and even treasure moments of peace or connection we may have taken for granted.

4. Appreciation of Life

I think Hamilton Jordan describes this best in his book No Such Thing as a Bad Day (2000): “After my first cancer, even the smallest joys in life took on new meaning—watching a beautiful sunset, a hug from my child, a laugh with Dorothy. That feeling has not diminished with time. After my second and third cancers, the simple joys of life are everywhere and are boundless, as I cherish my family and friends and contemplate the rest of my life, a life I certainly do not take for granted.”

Trauma brings us face to face with our mortality and, as such, can lead us to appreciate and even treasure moments of peace or connection we may have taken for granted.

5. Spiritual Change

Many trauma survivors report a shift in relating to the spiritual world.

The diagnostic (DSM) definition of trauma explains that many traumatic experiences involve exposure to death or threatened death, which brings to the forefront questions of mortality, afterlife, and spiritual meaning. We may find ourselves asking, “Why did this happen to me?” or “What has become of the person who passed?” These questions and the answers we seek are deeply personal and have significant implications for how we understand ourselves and the world. Allow time for these reflections in the aftermath of trauma.

As Ernest Hemingway so eloquently pointed out, “The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places.” Posttraumatic growth points to those places that become strong through exposure and experience. It may not be a painless process, but seeking opportunities for growth can help create a deeper sense of love, connection, and meaning in our lives.

Somehow, in recent times, the term “aspie” has jumped tracks from a being an insider’s term of endearment to an all-purpose adjective used to describe quirky or geeky aspects of one’s own or another individual’s personality: “I couldn’t wait to get home and read more of that astrophysics book. How aspie is that?”

Is there anything wrong with that? Well, yes. And no.

If you really are on the autism spectrum—at the “high” end, where the diagnosis is Asperger’s Syndrome (AS) or high-functioning autism (HFA)—you might find usages of this nature confusing. They might even feel derogatory.

Before I go further, let me say I am not a button-pushing, “that’s offensive” kind of person. I’m not on a rant here. But there is room for sensitization with regard to the throwing around of the term “aspie” that would serve us all well. My observations come from working with many individuals who are on the spectrum. This is important to them.

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First of all, there is no such thing as an AS/HFA personality. There are as many personalities among people on the spectrum as there are among those who are not on the spectrum. Just as not all neurotypical individuals watch reality TV; just as not all feel magnanimously comfortable in social situations; just as there are millions of individual interests represented, so, too, is the variety among those on the spectrum.

The aspects that distinguish a person on the spectrum from one who is not are related to structural differences in the brain. For people on the spectrum, these differences make living in the neurotypical world a minute-by-minute challenge. Figuring out subtexts and metamessages in conversations and other forms of communication is exhausting, and always bears the risk of failure. Sharing a three-dimensional, visual way of thinking with those whose thought patterns are more linear is exhausting. Understanding social and work expectations that are not explicit is exhausting.

When a person with Asperger’s/high-functioning autism calls things aspie, you can bet he or she knows exactly what it means. But that’s not an invitation to co-opt (and quite possibly misuse) the term.

Sometimes, due to misreading context and expectations, people on the spectrum make what is viewed as a social mistake. Is that an “aspie” thing?

Sometimes, a person on the spectrum has a deep interest in a topic that is not generally understood or even valued by other people. Is that an “aspie” thing?

Who among us has not been in a social situation in which we did or said something we later regretted? Who among us is without an interest, habit, or hobby that might not be considered mainstream?

If you have friends on the spectrum and they use “aspie” in reference to themselves, be careful. When a person with Asperger’s/high-functioning autism calls things aspie, you can bet he or she knows exactly what it means. But that’s not an invitation to co-opt (and quite possibly misuse) the term.

Do you know what it means to the person with AS/HFA who uses it to describe himself or herself? If you don’t, ask. That’s what I meant above when I suggested that use of the term isn’t entirely bad. It can open up a conversation that could be instructive to everyone involved.

I would bet that once you hear a person on the spectrum give his or her definition of the term “aspie,” you won’t be throwing it around casually anymore. You might even feel an urge to help other neurotypical individuals who use it to understand what it means to those for whom it matters most.