“Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t—you’re right.” —Henry Ford

When Henry Ford first conceived of the V8 motor, his engineers told him it was simply impossible to cast an 8-cylinder engine block in just one piece. Ford told the engineers to do it anyway. He instructed them to try until they succeeded, no matter how long it took. If they wished to remain employed by Ford, this was their one and only task. After more than a year of trying with no results, Ford told them to continue. Shortly after, the first V8 motor was built.

Our thoughts and beliefs shape both our perception and experience of ourselves and the world around us. Research indicates that nearly 80% of our self talk is negative. Imagine spending your whole day listening to a recording of whining, complaints, and criticisms. What many people fail to recognize is that they are listening to these types of thoughts in their head on repeat every day.

Our programming can become so ingrained in us that we may not be aware of its existence. Thoughts such as “I’m not good at anything,” “Life is hard,” or “People can’t be trusted” may cross our minds so frequently that we begin to recognize them as facts and no longer question the possibility that things could be different.

The word affirmation comes from the Latin affirmare, which means “to strengthen and make steady.” Affirmation statements are affirming that something is true for us. The purpose of positive affirmations is to affirm to ourselves that things are good even if we don’t necessarily feel that way at the time.

Positive affirmations have the power to transform lives. They play a significant role in many therapeutic models—including cognitive behavioral therapy, a treatment for depression. Positive affirmations are also at the forefront of many 12-step rehabilitation programs.

[fat_widget_right]Carefully constructed positive affirmations can “rewire” our brains to break negative thought patterns. Similar to exercise, positive affirmations can actually increase the amount of feel-good hormones in our brains. Positive thoughts create positive emotions, which can actually change our physiology and improve our mental, emotional, and physical health.

Here are 15 positive affirmations that can help change your life:

1. I am worthy of love, happiness, and fulfillment.

This affirmation can increase your self-esteem and self-worth. You are what you believe you are!

2. I have the power within me to create the life I desire.

This empowering statement can help you recognize that you alone have the power to create the life you want. Honor your power to choose by choosing thoughts and actions that positively contribute to your life.

3. Each new day is filled with infinite potential and possibility.

You’ve probably heard the phrase “Tomorrow is a new day.” Every new day brings with it new opportunities. Carpe Diem. Seize the day by making the most of the opportunities available to you.

4. I am so grateful for my life and all its blessings.

An attitude of gratitude can not only boost your mood and increase your awareness of all the blessings you already possess, but it also serves to attract even more good things into your life.

5. I forgive myself and hold myself in a state of compassion.

Forgiveness can free us from past burdens and allow us to operate from a clean slate. Love yourself, recognize that you did the best you could in the past, and strive to continue to learn and do better in the future.

6. I love and accept myself just the way I am.

The simple act of self-acceptance can radically transform your life. A healthy relationship with yourself is necessary if you wish to have healthy relationships with others.

7. I am strong in my values and confident in my abilities.

Strong values and self-confidence can keep you feeling empowered, strong, and capable of taking on life’s challenges.

8. I let go of the past, surrender concerns about the future, and openly receive the experience of the present moment.

When we let go of the past, it no longer has power over us. Choose to live in the present moment and remain open to its possibilities.

9. I continue to learn, grow, and evolve with each passing day.

Remembering that each day is a new opportunity for learning may make it easier to let go of the past and remain excited about the future.

10. I attract experiences that serve my highest good and facilitate personal growth and transformation.

A negative attitude can invite negative experiences. By keeping a positive perspective, we can openly embrace experiences that serve to help us grow and become better people.

11. My life is filled with meaning, purpose, and passion.

Seeking out meaningful experiences that ignite our passions can provide a sense of purpose and fulfillment in our lives.

12. I have positive, healthy, and supportive relationships with my loved ones.

Reminding ourselves that we wish to have healthy and supportive relationships in our lives can remind us to treat others with kindness, compassion, and respect. It can also empower us to stand up for ourselves by creating healthy boundaries in our relationships.

13. I am confident in my talents, strengths, gifts, and abilities.

Being confident in your gifts and strengths can give you the courage needed to put yourself out there and seize the opportunities presented.

14. I have the courage and tenacity to overcome any challenge I face.

There’s no doubt that life can sometimes be difficult. Regularly reminding ourselves of our courage and tenacity can provide us the strength needed to get through even the toughest of times.

15. I freely give and receive unconditional love and acceptance to myself and others.

Life is of little meaning without love. Reminding ourselves to be open to giving and receiving love can be important, especially after loss. Rather than guard your heart, choose to remain open to the love that is all around you.

Our thoughts and beliefs shape both our perception and experience of ourselves and the world around us. Research indicates that nearly 80% of our self talk is negative.The more personal the affirmations are, the more likely they are to work for you. Try using the above affirmations as a guide to aid you in creating your own affirmation statements. Start by identifying your negative thought patterns and creating positive countering statements. For example, a phrase such as “I’m not good at anything” may become “I always do my best.”

Affirmations are most effective when implemented into a daily routine. Your own quotes can be read, spoken aloud, and thought several times throughout the day.  Repetition is key. The more you say it, the more you may believe it.

Affirmations are more than simply repeating words, however. Though the process may seem silly if you’re new to it, affirmations have the power to drastically improve lives by freeing people from their own negativity and self-doubt. Using affirmations is a practice of recognizing and changing your thoughts on a daily basis. Eventually, positive thoughts can transform your cognitive patterns and negative thoughts may become less prominent. The more you can consciously choose your thoughts, the better your life can be.

“Thoughts become things, choose the good ones.” —Mike Dooley

References:

1. Ford Motor Company Timeline. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://corporate.ford.com/company/history.html
2. Fundukian, L. J., Ed. (2011). Cognitive-behavioral therapy. In The Gale Encyclopedia of Medicine, Vol. 2, 4th ed. (pp. 1061–1064). Detroit, MI: Gale
3. Harra, C. (2013, July 6). 35 Affirmations That Will Change Your Life. Retrieved from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-carmen-harra/affirmations_b_3527028.html
4. Hay, Louise L. (2010, June). How to use affirmations. Going bonkers, Vol. 4, Issue 3, 58–61.
5. Hill, N. (1987). Think and grow rich. New York: Fawcett Books.
6. Maxwell, C. (2014, October 6). Self-Talk: Shifting Negative Thoughts to Positive. Retrieved from http://www.askdrmaxwell.com/2014/10/positive-thinking-self-talk/

If your favorite months are the warm-weather ones, then the transition into fall might represent a tough time for you.

If you have kids, they’re likely back in school—at least when you aren’t shuttling them between extracurricular activities. Work meetings may be more prevalent as vacations end. The calendar is once again filling with overlapping events, and you may wonder how you’ll fit them all in. You may look longingly at your checklist of summer fun and lament the things you never got to. When you leave your home in the morning or as the sun sets, you may notice a distinctive chill in the air.

End-of-summer sadness may be setting in.

Check In with Your Thought Process

Some people struggle with a “time’s up!” mentality regarding all the plans they had for the season. That scarcity-of-time mind-set can lead you down the road to the blues. Shifting your thoughts to ideas and plans for finishing the year in the strongest, most positive way possible may help you think in terms of abundance instead. What other great things are to be experienced this year? (If nothing comes to mind, plan for something!)

[fat_widget_right]

It may also help to remember that without the change of seasons, you could potentially get bored or complacent with the heat and humidity of summer. A period of colder weather gives us a renewed appreciation for summer each year.

People often talk about how sad they are to see summer go. If your inclination is to express despair at the arrival of autumn, check in with yourself. Is that simply an automatic response? Do you have things to look forward to in the fall and winter? While saying goodbye to summer, what are you saying hello to?

Look Forward

Choose to look forward instead of focusing on the rearview mirror. One way to do that is to engage your senses.

Appreciate that new crispness in the air. Relish wearing cozy sweatshirts or favorite sweaters. Discover clothes you haven’t worn in a while; maybe even treat yourself to something new.

Enjoy looking at the seasonal colors surrounding you: the reds, golds, oranges, and browns. The foods we eat tend to switch from light to heartier fare, and from cold drinks to hot ones. Imagine yourself smelling the first fireplace fires of the season and apples baking with cinnamon.

Consider that the new season brings new sports to engage in or watch.

Appreciate the structure that fall brings, and find comfort in that. Also, let the holidays and rituals that coincide with the change in the weather serve as a guide to moving forward and finding fun and enjoyment.

Bring Summer Along for the Ride

Find ways to hold on to summer experiences—frame pictures to remind you of the fun you had, or perhaps display souvenirs to remind you where you’ve been. Download songs that will make you smile when you associate them with time spent with friends.

Look at your calendar and block out certain days, particularly after busy intervals, to ensure that you have time to breathe and regroup. Do your best to keep those days clear of obligations. These can serve as “days of summer” of sorts.

Look at your calendar and block out certain days, particularly after busy intervals, to ensure that you have time to breathe and regroup. Do your best to keep those days clear of obligations. These can serve as “days of summer” of sorts.

Make sure to plan time with friends and family.

Schedule something fun as often as you can so that you don’t find yourself falling prey to winter weather excuses (too cold, too wet, too dark, too tired) that lead to isolation.

Make notes about the kinds of things you’d like to do NEXT summer, so that you can begin taking steps toward manifesting them.

Turn a Transition into a Chance to Reboot

The change of seasons offers an opportunity to reassess and figure out what’s working and what isn’t. It may be the perfect time to begin something new or take on a stimulating challenge.

The fall represents the harvest. Consider the figurative seeds you planted in January and what you’ve since reaped, and how you might improve on your personal “harvest” next year.

As summer ends, another chapter begins, and while there might be angst attached to transitioning into the next phase, there can also be excitement and anticipation of great things—worthwhile challenges, fun times, and new beginnings.

Editor’s note: This is the first article in a two-part series that explores how the Pixar movie Inside Out offers a compelling and accessible way to look the impact of trauma and dissociation. Part II appears here.

It’s rare that I give homework to people in therapy. In fact, as a trauma therapist specializing in complex trauma, I find that more often than not some homework assignments can be triggering. So it is a very conscious choice when I ask people to do homework in between sessions.

When I do suggest homework, it is often with the emphasis on increasing their calming and relaxation skills, or to provide additional psycho-education surrounding trauma recovery. Structural dissociation theory, eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy, and the neurological aspects of trauma’s impact on the brain—these topics can present as “heady” or “too academic.” I always look for a more accessible way to describe such topics. Pixar Animation Studios has provided such an opportunity.

To me, the most effective, powerful, inspiring homework and psycho-education opportunities are more organic and experiential in nature.

With this in mind, I recently began asking some people to watch Pixar’s recent movie release, Inside Out. While this article is neither a review nor a place for spoilers, it is a testament to the power of Inside Out to teach people about trauma and dissociation in an inspiring and open-hearted way.

[fat_widget_trauma_ptsd_right]

The ‘Inside Out’ Story

In Inside Out, a girl named Riley, the 11-year-old main character, is faced with the challenges of moving from her family’s hometown. Her primary emotions, joy, anger, fear, disgust, and sadness, are represented as characters by the same names, each with influence over the “control console” of her mind, also known as “headquarters.”

Often, we “reject” our emotions, or other aspects of the traumas, because it feels too risky or too dangerous to fully realize them at the time of the experiences.

As Riley navigates the events surrounding her family’s move and the associated traumatic stressors, the primary emotion of “Joy” is no longer at the helm. “Sadness” becomes more prevalent, creating more core memories surrounding her distress at the move. By a variety of methods, “Joy” attempts to bring headquarters back to “normal,” meaning “Joy” at the controls, but as “Anger,” “Fear,” and “Disgust” take over, Riley’s internal world, and the personality islands associated with things she enjoyed—family life, friends, and her love of hockey—disintegrate. She shuts down.

It is not until all of the emotional states accept and integrate “Sadness,” solidifying that each emotion has its place, that new core memories can be built and her healing occurs.

So what does Inside Out have to do with trauma recovery? More than perhaps is clear at the onset.

Core Memories

As I have written in previous articles, it is our unprocessed and fragmented memories, the traumas that are “locked” in their state-dependent form, that cause distressing symptoms in our now. Our emotions, as well as what we saw, believed, and somatically experienced, are “frozen in time” and contribute to our distressing symptoms in the present.

Inside Out does an exceptional job of showing how our fully integrated, realized, and healed “core memories” can be stored in our headquarters in ways that are adaptive. Our system does have fully processed memories—that is, all aspects are acknowledged and healed. Pixar describes them as core memories symbolized by translucent spheres mindfully placed in a conveyor-like storage system. That said, when traumas are not fully healed, we have memories that are fragmented and displaced, even rejected.

Rejecting or Banishing an Aspect of Trauma

Often, we “reject” our emotions, or other aspects of the traumas, because it feels too risky or too dangerous to fully realize them at the time of the experiences. This is illustrated in Inside Out, where “Joy” cannot accept “Sadness.” “Joy” rejects her. Similarly, as we move forward in time, we, too, can become phobic toward some aspects of our trauma(s). In Riley’s case, “Sadness” had a very important job and was an important part of her moving from Minnesota. In fact, as Riley moved through her process of daily living, “Sadness” kept trying to push through—to touch the other memories in order to be acknowledged and processed.

It is not until the characters, the other emotions, become more accepting of “Sadness” that the full healing can occur. As Riley’s internal system, headquarters, becomes able to fully accept ALL aspects of the trauma, including what was once rejected or deemed dangerous to fully realize, “Sadness” is able to take its rightful place.

In the context of structural dissociation theory, no longer did Riley’s system have to feel phobic of that part of the experience. Riley could not fully realize and heal the trauma of her move until “Sadness” was acknowledged by her whole system. “Sadness” did have a place, and was key to healing the whole memory.

Communication problems are the number one reason couples split up, with 65% of couples citing this issue as the primary cause of divorce, according to a 2013 survey. But it’s not only romantic relationships that are affected by communication issues—they are often at the root of conflicts in our everyday lives.

Perhaps we fail to say what we mean, or we misinterpret the words of another. Whatever the blunder, we could all benefit from recognizing our communication mistakes and turning them into communication skills.

Here are 10 common communication problems and mistakes:

1. Not Truly Listening

When we are communicating with someone, we often are not committing our full attention. We might be looking at our phones, watching television, or even daydreaming about something else.

[fat_widget_relationships_right]When we don’t actively listen to the person we are speaking to, not only do we run the risk of making the person feel invalidated, but we also miss important nonverbal cues and may not fully understand the person’s message. To avoid communication mishaps, it is best to give the speaker 100% of our attention. Effective listening skills include making eye contact, asking clarifying questions, and remaining engaged.

2. Assuming You Know the Message Before the Person Finishes

We’ve all done it. We’re listening to a friend speak, and we already assume we know what is going to be said before they finish their sentence. When we assume we know what the person will say, we miss what is actually being said. Honor the speaker by remaining openly curious and listening intently for the message rather than predicting what will be said.

3. Interrupting the Speaker

We’ve probably all interrupted another person midsentence once or twice. It can happen accidentally, or we may get so excited about what we want to say and fear we will forget our response if we don’t just go ahead and say it. Others may interrupt during arguments as a power move.

Whatever the intention, interrupting can make a person feel invalidated, as if what they have to say is unimportant. Have respect for the other person, and allow them to finish the message entirely before you respond.

4. Using “You” Statements Instead of “I” Statements

When we are discussing our feelings with another person, we need to own those feelings rather than place the responsibility on the other person. It can be easy to say, “You did this” or “You didn’t do that.”

When we use “I” statements, we take ownership of how we feel and are less likely to make the other person feel attacked. Instead of saying, “You didn’t call me back…” try saying, “I felt hurt when you didn’t return my call.”

5. Letting Your Emotions Dictate Your Response

When we react emotionally, we are likely to say things we don’t mean. A good communicator allows emotions to sit for a while and then chooses to carefully respond rather than react.

6. Failing to Account for Cultural Differences in Communication

Cross-cultural communication can be difficult. Words can take on different meanings, and cultural norms surrounding nonverbal communication may vary. When communicating with people from other cultural backgrounds, it’s important to account for cultural differences in communication styles. If we don’t, we may accidentally offend or miscommunicate with someone.

7. Misinterpreting the Message

We may misinterpret others more often than we think. To avoid this, it is best to give the person our full attention and paraphrase the message back to the speaker to ensure we have understood correctly.

In today’s society, we are more susceptible to misinterpretation, as we rely heavily on technological communication. Without tone of voice and nonverbal cues, it can be easy to misunderstand each other. When using text or email communication, be sure to use appropriate punctuation and ask clarifying questions to ensure you understand the other person.

8. Being Indirect

Being subtle and/or indirect in communication is usually ineffective. We can’t expect other people to read our minds. If you want someone to understand you, try being direct and try not to “beat around the bush” in conversation.

9. Attacking Character Rather than Behavior

When we are upset with someone, it is easy to say things such as, “You’re a jerk” or “You’re an idiot.” Rather than attack someone’s character, an effective communicator should address the actual behavioral issue and leave it at that.

10. Avoiding Difficult Conversations

When faced with the possibility of a difficult conversation, many people choose to avoid or prolong the conversation as long as possible. People usually perceive a conversation as difficult when they are faced with telling someone something that person doesn’t want to hear. It might be delivering bad news or bringing up a conflict of interest.

An effective communicator remains open and honest to address issues as soon as they arise rather than avoiding or prolonging important discussions.Perhaps you dread telling your children about your cancer diagnosis or don’t want to hurt your partner by revealing an affair. Whatever the topic, avoiding difficult conversations only makes matters worse long term. Tension can build and you may end up bringing the issue up at the wrong time, which could create additional conflict. Withholding information can create distance between you and the other person. You also run the risk that the person will receive the information from a third party first.

An effective communicator remains open and honest to address issues as soon as they arise rather than avoiding or prolonging important discussions.

Relationship, couple, and marriage and family therapists can help individuals, couples, and families learn how to improve communication skills by addressing their issues and offering solutions for more effective communication. If you are experiencing communication problems in your relationships or just need some relationship advice, consider seeing a therapist.

References:

1. Family Therapy: Tips to Improve Communication. Behavioral Health Evolution: Innovative resources for treating substance abuse, mental health, and co-occurring disorders. Retrieved from: http://www.bhevolution.org/public/effective_communication.page
2. General Information about Communication Problems. (2008). International Training Program on Intractable Conflict. Conflict Research Consortium, University of Colorado. Retrieved from: http://www.colorado.edu/conflict/peace/problem/commprob.htm
3. Poor Communication is the #1 Reason Couples Split Up: Survey. (2013, November 20). Huffington Post: Divorce. Retrieved from: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/20/divorce-causes-_n_4304466.html

Earlier this year, a Michigan judge incarcerated three children after they refused to see their father. The children say their father is abusive, but the father claims the mother has initiated a campaign to alienate him from his children. After swift public outcry, the judge released the children, ordering instead that they participate in parental reunification therapy.

Divorced parents often engage in acrimonious custody fights, and some parents may launch extended campaigns to destroy their children’s relationship with the other parent. Parental alienation syndrome, originally coined in the 1980s, remains a controversial diagnosis and is not listed in the DSM-5.

A broken relationship with one parent can be destructive to children, but so can spending time with an abusive parent the child fears. Parental reunification therapy requires children to spend extended periods of time with the alienated parent, often without contact from the other parent. The theory is that this is the only way to break the cycle of parental alienation, but controversy swirls around the practice. Critics say the therapy could be used to force contact with abusive parents, and the treatment may amount to “deprogramming” that can be traumatizing.

Alzheimer’s Disease Consists of 3 Distinct Subtypes, According to UCLA Study

A UCLA study has identified three potential subtypes of Alzheimer’s. Though more research will be necessary, the subtypes could shed light on Alzheimer’s causes as well as potential treatment. Inflammatory Alzheimer’s is characterized by an increase in C-reactive proteins, as well as an increase in serum albumin and globulin levels. Non-inflammatory Alzheimer’s does not produce the same increases, but does lead to other metabolic abnormalities. Cortical Alzheimer’s—which often affects relatively young individuals—affects language first and produces effects that are more widely distributed across the brain.

The Sinister Science of Addiction

Research has long suggested that addiction is a disease rather than a personal failing, and measurable differences in brain chemistry account for much of the behavior associated with addiction. A new video in the Reaction series—a group of videos produced by the American Chemical Society—shows how addiction functions in the brain.

Criminals Acquire Guns Through Social Connections

[fat_widget_right]Popular myths suggest most guns used in crimes are stolen, but new research suggests that friends and family are a more likely option for acquiring guns. Research on the Cook County Jail in Chicago about how jail inmates obtained guns suggests that 60% of the guns were purchased or the product of a trade. Chicago gun laws prohibit selling guns to people with criminal records, so many former inmates are unable to acquire guns at gun stores or through other traditional avenues.

Trial Review Confirms Common Antidepressant is ‘Unsafe and Ineffective’ for Teens

Paroxetine—better known under its brand name of Paxil—has been prescribed to teens to treat depression since 2001, but new research argues the practice should end. Not only was the drug no better than a placebo; it was also potentially dangerous. In 2012, GlaxoSmithKline, the pharmaceutical company that markets the drug, was fined $3 billion for failing to report drug safety information to the Food and Drug Administration and for illegally marketing some of its drugs.

The Psychology of Why People Like Steve Rannazzisi Lie About Having Survived 9/11

A handful of people have been accused of lying about being present at the 9/11 terrorist attacks. This week, comedian Steve Rannazzisi came clean, admitting he had been lying about his presence at the World Trade Center that day. Experts are unsure why some people feel compelled to lie about a history of trauma. Theories include a need to feel involved, a craving for attention, serious mental health issues, and false memories.

More Time Outside Tied to Less Nearsightedness in Children

According to a study of Chinese schoolchildren, spending time outside could reduce the rate of nearsightedness. As many as 90% of Chinese high school graduates are nearsighted. But the study, which followed almost 2,000 schoolchildren for three years, suggests that as little as 45 minutes outside each day could reduce the country’s rate of nearsightedness.

Eating a Lot of Fish May Help Curb Depression Risk—at Least in Europe

A number of studies have tied Omega-3 fatty acids—present in high quantities of fish—to a potential treatment for depression. A pooled analysis of 26 studies involving 150,278 participants suggests that Europeans who consume fish can reduce their depression risk by as much as 17%. This correlation was found only in European studies. The reduction in depression risk as a result of high fish consumption was higher among men, who saw a 20% reduction. Women’s risk of depression dropped by about 16%.

You describe yourself as cooperative, gregarious, and caring. These are the strengths I hope you will use to help yourself and your colleagues—the old ones and the new ones—so you can work together to develop a new work family system.

[fat_widget_right]

It is very difficult when a few new people join a workplace at about the same time, especially as they may seem to have more in common with one another than with the longer-term employees. You write that their age range is roughly 25 to 40 and that they are younger than you and your “softer” friends. I’m guessing there is a generation gap, and that different styles and ways of being are in conflict. If so, it might help to talk things out together, perhaps with a professional mediator if things get too hot.

Perhaps those people who have been working at your office longer may feel that their status is threatened. This is not an uncommon response to change in the workplace. The task for each and all of you is to find common ground so you can work together and get along.

You describe the new people as strong personalities with a “sense of entitlement” and a zealous approach; overbearing but also competent, equally competent to you and your friends. Is there parity in your compensation and benefits? I am curious as to all the reasons they seem so “other.”

You have a lot to offer, and can use your personality, experience, and wisdom to nurture the new arrivals and help create a warmer work space.

I wonder, too, if the new people have new ideas, new approaches, and new ways of doing things that may seem to challenge the more established procedures. This can be annoying and shake things and people up, but you can all also benefit from their “newness” by seeing things from a different perspective, which might be an asset. If the new crowd has new ideas, it would benefit everyone to give those ideas a forum where they can be explored and perhaps even worked out.

So my advice is to take some deep breaths and take a step back. You have a lot to offer, and can use your personality, experience, and wisdom to nurture the new arrivals and help create a warmer work space.

You’re describing an “us vs. them” situation, which never works. I’m hoping that your “softer” personality may be just the thing that helps people work together and blend the lines between the “old” and the new.

Best wishes,
Lynn

Many Spanish-speaking Latinos are surprised to find a non-Latino therapist who is fluent in Spanish. In my own practice, I have often been asked questions such as “What country are you from?” or “Where did you learn Spanish?” Self-disclosure regarding my experiences traveling and living in Latin America often creates a bond between myself and the Latinos with whom I work, especially those who have recently immigrated. Many express joy at encountering a therapist with first-hand experience of the customs and cultures of their native countries. As a culturally competent therapist, I place value on recognizing the role of distinct cultural norms while working with Latinos and creating a genuine therapeutic alliance based on mutual interpersonal respect and trust. Colloquially, this emphasis on relationships is also known as personalismo.

I have worked and studied in several Latin American countries, and in each case the importance of personalismo was made clear to me by the families with whom I lived. When interviewing family members of those who disappeared during Augusto Pinochet’s dictatorship of Chile, I quickly realized that before I could have even a perfunctory discussion about the lasting impact of the regime, I had to gain my host family’s trust through a period of formal friendliness. From my first day, I engaged in small talk with my host family and was asked a variety of questions regarding my life in the United States: Who did I live with? What did I study? What did I do for fun? I also showed appreciation to my host family in Chile by giving them a small gift of T-shirts from the United States. As a therapist, I follow a similar approach while working with Latinos.

How to Use Personalismo in Therapy

[fat_widget_right]Accepting small gifts may seem to fall outside the purview of expected ethical behavior for therapists, who are often discouraged from accepting gifts or disclosing personal information on the grounds that it violates professional boundaries. A therapeutic relationship is professional, not personal, and any action that is perceived to take attention away from the needs of the person receiving the service is usually frowned upon. Therefore, breaching these norms while working with Latinos should always be done with the person in therapy’s best interest in mind.

While working with Latinos in my practice, I have found that accepting small gifts and advice as a form of appreciation for my services helps build reciprocity into the therapeutic relationship. It is not uncommon for me to receive, from a Latino person under my care, a small gift of herbal tea or a recommendation of a place to buy the best ingredients for a specific dish. Some recent research also encourages this practice as a form of exhibiting multicultural competency (Machucha, 2014). When a therapist discloses appreciation for a small gift or accepts advice about the best remedy for the common cold, the therapist may be contributing to the therapeutic alliance with a person who is Latino.

When honoring the cultural value of personalismo, physical touch may be appropriate in certain cases. For example, some people may respond positively to a hand shake, and—when clinically appropriate—even a hug (Clance, 1998). Of course, it is always important to ask before engaging in any form of physical touch. As a therapist, I have often found it useful to welcome a person during the first session with a handshake, to hug an individual who is crying, or even to offer a brief pat on the back. As part of my understanding of personalismo, such gestures may be expected by some of the Latino individuals I work with.

Regarding personalismo, the use of self-disclosure may also vary depending on the age of the person in therapy. I have found that a high school student may respond well to a therapist who can identify with the challenges of balancing greater high school freedom with more traditional values at home. Similarly, a senior citizen may respond well to a therapist who emphasizes the importance of taking care of one’s elders. Some Latinos I have worked with comment that they are also sometimes expected to show respect and reverence for parents or grandparents by taking care of an elderly grandparent at home.

How Not To Use Personalismo in Therapy

An ethical therapist is expected to give undivided attention to the person in treatment. Dual relationships, in which the therapist and person in therapy enter into a relationship outside of therapy, not only have the potential to blur professional boundaries but may also become exploitative. Those who seek therapy services must be certain that their emotional and personal needs are the exclusive interest of the therapist. The outside expectations inherent in a friendship or business relationship may violate the nature of the therapeutic relationship. Examples of behaviors Self-disclosure, if not done in the interest of the person in therapy, also exemplifies how the value of personalismo can be misunderstood and inappropriately implemented. Disclosure that promotes the therapist’s own agenda or status is never useful, and it can be especially damaging when it appears disrespectful of a person’s cultural norms and values.associated with dual relationships might include:

• A therapist asking a person in therapy to meet for coffee
• A therapist asking a person in therapy to do work for the therapist
• A therapist accepting an invitation to attend the birthday or holiday party of a person in therapy

Even if the person in therapy is the one who offers a gift or service, many would argue that to accept would be starting down a slippery slope of encouraging a nonprofessional relationship (Zur, 2011). A therapist must always be mindful of the power dynamics in the therapeutic relationship, even while stepping away from the traditional therapeutic role when practicing personalismo. The power dynamics in the therapeutic relationship may cause some to question the appropriateness of touch, gift giving, and advice. Therapists are viewed as authority figures within some Latino cultures (Perez-Stable, 2001). As such, a therapist carries power to influence the person in therapy to meet the therapist’s needs for personal validation or affection, even when these practices seem clinically appropriate and are requested by the person in therapy. Also, the therapist should be aware that the person in therapy may be attempting to win the trust and favor of the therapist through gifts and advice.

Self-disclosure, if not done in the interest of the person in therapy, also exemplifies how the value of personalismo can be misunderstood and inappropriately implemented. Disclosure that promotes the therapist’s own agenda or status is never useful, and it can be especially damaging when it appears disrespectful of a person’s cultural norms and values. Some examples include the therapist speaking to an adolescent or the adolescent’s parents about the personal freedoms the therapist enjoyed while growing up, quickly providing a diagnosis that may seem stigmatizing, or mentioning personal opinions on sensitive subjects such as politics and religion.

Awareness of the value of personalsimo may help preserve and sometimes bolster the therapeutic alliance, but it is important to keep in mind that each person also brings a unique set of needs to therapy. Therapists working with Latinos from a variety of cultural backgrounds should be prepared to have their own conceptions about self-disclosure challenged.

I remember my own experiences working with a young mother and her daughter who had been living in a homeless shelter. They gave me a small short-sleeved shirt at the conclusion of our therapeutic relationship. I was honored to receive the gift, and when asked how it fit me, I told them that the shirt was perfect and that I would be wearing it on the first day of my new job. My awareness of personalismo guided my response in this situation, even if it was outside of traditional expectations and boundaries in the therapeutic relationship. There may be no one way to interpret or implement personalismo, but awareness of its value in everyday psychotherapy with people who are Latino is a wonderful first step.

References:

1. Avieria, A. (2015). Culturally sensitive and creative therapy with latino clients. American Psychological Association , 1-2.
2. Carteret, M. (2011). Cultural values of latino patients and families. Dimensions of Culture: Cross-Cultural Communication for Healthcare Professionals. Retrieved from http://www.dimensionsofculture.com/2011/03/cultural-values-of-latino-patients-and-families/
3. Clance, P. A. (1998 ). Therapists’ recall of their decision making process regarding the use of touch in ongoing psychotherapy. Touch in Psychotherapy: Theory, Research, and Practice (pp. 92-105). New York, NY: Guillford Press.
4. Machucha, R. (2014). Boundary issues in counseling latino clients. Boundary Issues in Counseling: Multiple Roles and Responsibilities (pp. 100-103). Alexandria, VA : Wiley.
5. Perez-Stable, E. M.-S. (2001). Physical health status of latinos. The Latino Psychiatric Patient: Assessment and Treatment (pp. 29-31). Washington D.C.: American Psychiatric Publishing, Inc.
6. Zur, O. (2011). Gifts in psychotherapy. Zur Institute: Innovative Resoures & Online Continuing Education. Retrieved from http://www.zurinstitute.co/giftsintherapy.html                                                                                

Love doesn’t check birth certificates, but relationships with a significant age gap can come with unique joys and challenges. Whether your partner is a decade or two older—or younger—understanding these dynamics can help you build a healthy, lasting connection.

A middle-aged man dating a much younger woman has long been a familiar image in American culture, sometimes linked to a midlife crisis or seen as a status symbol. However, age gap relationships aren’t limited to this stereotype. Older women sometimes date younger men, and the archetype of the “cougar” is now part of popular culture. Same-sex couples may also have significant age differences.

Recent research shows that nearly four in ten (39%) Americans have dated someone with an age difference of 10 years or more, indicating these relationships are more common than many people realize. Globally, research from 2024 found that men are on average 2.2 years older than their female partners in North America, with this gap varying significantly across different cultures and countries.

While age alone doesn’t determine whether a relationship is real or meaningful, it can create unique considerations. Navigating the social and emotional aspects of your relationship while addressing generational differences can be challenging—but it can also broaden your perspectives and deepen your appreciation for each other’s life experiences.

Understanding Your Experience

If you’re in an age gap relationship, you may be navigating feelings of uncertainty, excitement, or social judgment. You might notice that friends or family have opinions—sometimes supportive, sometimes not. These emotions and reactions are common. Recognizing your feelings and those of your partner can help you approach the relationship with empathy, clarity, and confidence.

According to Melissa Klass, LMFT, much of the stress in age-gap relationships comes not from the couple themselves but from the reactions around them. “In therapy, I often see couples who feel confident about their connection but begin to question it when friends or family repeatedly raise concerns,” Klass explains. “Part of the work becomes helping partners stay grounded in their own values rather than internalizing outside judgments.”

1. Know When the Age Gap May Be Too Large

Love can be unpredictable, and feelings don’t always follow logic. But a significant age gap can sometimes create legal, social, or practical issues—especially if one partner is under the age of 18. Thirty U.S. states have age gap laws, often called “Romeo and Juliet laws,” which make sexual activity legal if the ages of both participants are close to one another. Even though state laws regarding the general age of consent and age gap laws differ, it is common for people in the United States to assume that sexual activity with someone under 18 is statutory rape. In these cases, the relationship may carry legal consequences, no matter how genuine the emotions.

Even if the relationship is legally sound, consider how the age gap might affect its long-term future. If you want children, think about whether fertility is a concern. For women, fertility begins to decline after age 30 and drops significantly after 35, with pregnancy rates declining notably for those in the 35-39 age group compared to younger women. A father’s age also affects conception chances—partners of men older than 40 take longer to conceive, and it takes around two years on average if the male partner is older than 40, even longer if he’s older than 45.

Lifestyle differences can also be significant. If one partner is just beginning a career while the other is considering retirement, planning for the future together can be more complex.

2. Understand Your Reasons for Dating Across Generations

Before beginning a relationship with someone much younger or older, reflect on your motivations. There’s nothing inherently wrong with dating outside your age group, but patterns can offer insight into your relationship style.

Some people seek the stability or experience of an older partner, while others are drawn to the energy and openness of someone younger. Recent 2025 research found that men dating younger women experienced higher relationship satisfaction than men dating older women, while women showed satisfaction with both older and younger partners. Psychological research indicates that older partners are often drawn to younger partners for feeling valued and appreciated for their experience, gaining renewed energy and fresh perspectives, and benefiting from established confidence and authenticity.

If you notice a consistent pattern in your dating history, it can be worth exploring why. Self-awareness can help ensure you’re building connections for the reasons that truly matter to you.

If you’d like to explore these questions with a professional, you can find a therapist in your area who specializes in relationship dynamics.

Once you’ve reflected on your motivations, the next step is preparing for how your backgrounds may influence your perspectives.

3. Be Ready to Navigate Generational Differences

Even in strong relationships, differences in life stage and cultural touchpoints can surface. You and your partner might have grown up with different music, technology, or social norms. Political views, values, and historical events can shape each person’s perspective.

Generational differences in communication styles can lead to misunderstandings, with older generations favoring face-to-face conversations while younger generations might opt for text messaging and social media interactions. Partners may have divergent tastes in music, technology habits, or social values—for example, a younger partner raised in the digital age might prioritize online connectivity, while an older partner may value face-to-face interaction.

Rather than avoiding these differences, use them as opportunities to learn. Ask about your partner’s experiences and share your own. For more insight, see our guide to family and generational differences.

4. Prepare for Criticism and Outside Opinions

Family, friends, and even strangers may have opinions about your relationship. Some may focus on your partner’s age rather than your shared values and connection. Research shows that age-gap couples (defined as partners separated by more than 10 years) perceive substantially more social disapproval regarding their relationship than couples with minimal or no age gaps. In fact, studies have found that age-discrepant couples report experiencing significantly more social disapproval than individuals in gay or interracial relationships.

Recent surveys show that concerns over what others think decrease with age—nearly a quarter (23%) of Americans ages 18-34 are afraid of what people might think of them if they engaged in age-gap dating, versus 12% of those ages 35-54 and 7% of those ages 55+.

While close loved ones might deserve an explanation, it’s okay to set boundaries with those who offer unsolicited judgments.

“Age-gap couples often feel pressure to defend their relationship in ways other couples do not,” says Melissa Klass, LMFT. “Learning when to explain your choices and when to simply set boundaries can make a significant difference in protecting the relationship.”

Plan a calm, respectful response that reaffirms your commitment without inviting ongoing debate. This can help prevent repeated, draining conversations about the age gap rather than your relationship itself.

5. Avoid Letting Age Define Your Relationship

Age is one factor among many in a relationship. If you focus on it too much—either to justify the relationship or to explain disagreements—it can become a wedge between you. While acknowledging real challenges is important, avoid attributing every difference to age.

Many successful relationships with age differences are built on shared values, interests, and life goals rather than similar birth years. Instead, focus on shared values, mutual respect, and the unique qualities you appreciate in each other. Healthy communication and problem-solving skills matter far more than the number of years between you.

When to Seek Professional Support

Age differences can present challenges, but they can also enrich your relationship with new perspectives and experiences. By approaching the relationship with openness, curiosity, and respect, you can create a strong connection that transcends the numbers.

If age-related differences start to feel overwhelming—whether due to family disapproval, conflicting life goals, or concerns about the future—a therapist can help. Working with a mental health professional can provide a safe space to navigate these issues and strengthen your partnership.

The GoodTherapy Approach

For over 17 years, GoodTherapy has helped people connect with ethical, qualified therapists. If you and your partner want extra support navigating these dynamics, connecting with a qualified therapist who understands the nuances of age gap relationships can make a meaningful difference. Find a therapist near you through GoodTherapy’s trusted directory.

References:

1. Ausubel, J., Kramer, S., Shi, A. F., & Hackett, C. (2022). Measuring age differences among different-sex couples: Across religions and 130 countries, men are older than their female partners. Pew Research Center.
2. Banbury, S., Pacan, B., Kostadinova, D., Hada, J., Morriss-Roberts, C., Quarcoo, S., & Chandler, C. (2025). The relationship between age-gap relationships/dating, sexual function, relationship satisfaction, sexual self-efficacy and well-being. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 1–16.
3. Gottfried, J., Ševčíková, A., Blinka, L., & Lambert South, A. (2024). Couples age discrepancies in a large-scale European sample: Evolutionary and sociocultural perspectives. Personal Relationships, 31(4), 987–1000.
4. Ipsos. (2024). Half of Americans say they have been in a 10+ year age-gap relationship. Retrieved from https://www.ipsos.com/en-us/half-americans-say-they-have-been-10-year-age-gap-relationship
5. Julian, C. A. (2025). Age composition of same-sex & different-sex couples, 2023. Family Profiles, FP-25-16. Bowling Green, OH: National Center for Family & Marriage Research.
6. Lehmiller, J. J., & Agnew, C. R. (2008). Commitment in age-gap heterosexual romantic relationships: A test of evolutionary and socio-cultural predictions. Psychology of Women Quarterly, 32(1), 74–82.
7. National Institute for Health and Care Excellence. (2026). Fertility problems: assessment and treatment (NICE guideline NG257). https://www.nice.org.uk/guidance/ng257 [nice.org.uk]
8. Higdon, Michael J. “Queer Teens and Legislative Bullies: The Cruel and Invidious Discrimination Behind Heterosexist Statutory Rape Laws” (Archive). UC Davis Law Review, University of California, Davis. Vol. 42, p. 195–253. 2008. Retrieved on September 13, 2015.
9. Scolpino, D., & Steele, H. (2024). Age-Gap Relationship Stigma. Media Education, 21(1), 112-125.
10. Your Fertility. (2024). How age matters for your fertility. Australian Government Department of Health. Retrieved from https://www.yourfertility.org.au/everyone/age

Are you really just friends? Have you crossed the line?

If you are asking yourself these questions, you may be engaged in an emotional affair.

Affairs that are not physical or sexual in nature may seem harmless at first, but they can have a devastating impact on relationships in which one or both partners believe fidelity is a mutual value or expectation. An emotional affair may never turn into a sexual affair, but emotional infidelity may still turn people who are married or in committed relationships into “cheaters”.

Emotional infidelity is a real concern for many people. In a Chapman University study earlier this year, researchers found 65% of heterosexual women and 46% of heterosexual men were likely to be more upset by emotional infidelity than sexual infidelity.

Emotional affairs typically start out as friendships, making it difficult to discern when you actually cross the line. If you have developed a close relationship with someone other than your partner and you’re worried it might negatively impact your existing relationship, take an honest look at your feelings, intentions, and actions. Are you having an affair? Ask yourself how you would feel if the situation were reversed.

If you are still unsure whether or not you have moved from a friendship to something more, here are 14 telltale signs of an emotional affair:[fat_widget_relationships_right]

1. You can’t stop thinking about the person.

If you can’t get somebody off your mind, it’s likely the relationship is starting to drift outside of friendship. If he or she is the first person you think about when you wake up or the last person you think about at night, romantic feelings may be developing.

2. You find yourself comparing the person to your partner.

When you find yourself comparing a person to your partner, it’s almost as if you are sizing them up as a potential significant other. Comparing your partner to someone else may create conflict in your relationship, particularly if you are developing a close relationship with that person.

3. The time you spend together is increasing.

If you find that you are spending more and more time with a friend or co-worker—so much so that you end up spending less time with your partner—you might want to pause and contemplate the nature of your relationship.

Maybe you don’t cancel on your partner to spend time with this person, but if you find that you drop everything and cancel on other friends for one particular person, you might want to ask yourself what makes them so special.

4. You find yourself sharing intimate details.

Intimate information is usually reserved for our closest relationships. The more you share with someone, the closer you become. This can become problematic if you find yourself sharing details that you haven’t shared with your partner.

5. You hide the relationship from your partner.

If you feel like you have to hide something, then you probably consider it inappropriate on some level. If you are afraid your partner won’t understand the relationship or will feel jealous, then they might actually have a reason to feel that way.

6. You dress up before you see the person.

When you start planning what you are going to wear or spending extra time on your appearance before you see someone, it may prove you are making a considerable effort to leave a good impression. If you are dressing in hopes that the other person will find you attractive, you may want to stop and question your motives, as they may not be as innocent as you think.

7. Intimacy with your partner decreases.

If you find you are suddenly sharing less intimate details with your partner and more with another person, you might be crossing into an emotional affair. Similarly, if you and your partner are less physically intimate than you were in the past and you find yourself daydreaming of intimacy with someone else rather than feeling sexual desire for your partner, there may be potential for an emotional affair.If you find yourself on the verge of an emotional affair, keeping an open line of communication with your partner is often an effective first step in addressing the situation.

8. You share frustrations about your partner.

It may not be appropriate to discuss your relationship difficulties with someone else, particularly with someone who might be a romantic interest. If you find yourself complaining to a friend or co-worker about your partner, consider talking with a therapist instead.

9. You really understand each other.

You feel like the other person “gets” you. You have a lot in common, and your life paths are similar. You’ve never met someone who understands you in this way, and you think you have a unique connection. If that is the case, you may be unknowingly having an emotional affair.

10. You start contacting each other outside of “friendship” hours.

If you are secretly texting, emailing, or calling each other into the wee hours of the night, there’s a good chance your relationship has gone beyond the scope of a typical friendship.

11. They give you butterflies.

When you start getting that starry-eyed, butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling for someone other than your partner, you are at risk of emotional infidelity. If a glance, slight touch, or phone call leaves you with that warm fuzzy feeling, then you may be feeling a romantic attraction to that person.

12. It is difficult to concentrate when the other person is around.

Difficulty concentrating can be a normal part of human sexual arousal. When you start to develop an infatuation for someone, the sexual attraction can cloud your thinking as well as your judgment. If you lose track of time when you’re together or find that you’re more forgetful, then the relationship may no longer be strictly a friendship.

13. You start having fantasies or dreams.

If you start fantasizing about what it would be like to touch this person or start having romantic dreams about them, this may be a sign from your unconscious that you are developing romantic feelings.

14. You would be upset if the situation were reversed.

How would you feel if your partner had this type of friendship with someone else? If you would be upset about it, then that may be an indication that your behavior is inappropriate and you are becoming emotionally unfaithful to your partner.

If you find yourself on the verge of an emotional affair, keeping an open line of communication with your partner is often an effective first step in addressing the situation. Let your partner know about the relationship and any feelings or concerns you may have surrounding it. Remember, it can be easier to tell a partner before rather than after something happens.

Coping with a partner’s emotional affair or preventing one from occurring can be challenging for even the strongest of couples. If you are concerned you might be having an emotional affair and don’t know how to tell your partner, consider seeing a marriage and family therapist who can help you both process and share your feelings and perspective.

Reference:

1. Ledbetter, S. (2015, January 5). Chapman University publishes research on jealousy – Impact of sexual vs. emotional infidelity. Retrieved from https://blogs.chapman.edu/press-room/2015/01/05/chapman-university-publishes-research-on-jealousy-impact-of-sexual-vs-emotional-infidelity

Becoming an adult is rife with both uncertainty and adventure. The concept of being an adult is always in flux, and these days it’s hard to tell when adulthood is upon you. Culture, religion, socioeconomic status, and family situations may all impact and blur the lines between childhood and adulthood. No one sends you a complimentary toaster to let you know you have “joined the club,” and for many people, there is no one experience that affirms the acquisition of adult status.

In truth, adulthood is a process, not just a state you wake up in one day. For those of you who are just leaving behind adolescence, you probably bring a host of assumptions to this process that may or may not ease the transition into this new phase of life.

1. If I don’t feel like an adult, I must not be one.

Employment, paying the bills, driving, having a child—while all of these responsibilities are significant milestones, you might still have a sneaking suspicion that you’re not quite there. In reality, adulthood isn’t just about a set of responsibilities or accomplishments. Rather, it is more of a conscious effort to be aware of your strengths and challenges and a dedication to being the best version of yourself you can be. It is accepting that you will falter, but that you owe it to yourself to keep going.

2. I can’t have a life if I become an adult.

[fat_widget_right] Perhaps you fear that if you get a “real job” or “settle down” you will have to give up your passions or having fun. These days, you can design your own idea of what it means to be an adult. You can identify the values and priorities you want to commit to and create a life based on those. They might be informed by past experience and important people in your life, or you might have a belief system that offers you guiding principles. Either way, take stock of what is important to you and build your version of adulthood around that.

3. I have to be in a relationship to be happy.

Sharing your life with someone can offer an additional layer of security and support that may improve your sense of well-being. But relationships—just like any important decision—should be entered into wisely. Gauge your emotional readiness to be a partner. If you are not ready to commit wholeheartedly, this does not make you less of an adult; in fact, it takes great maturity to be honest with yourself about your ability or willingness to balance relationship needs with your own. You also need to be aware of your intentions when you begin a relationship. Ask yourself if you are looking for your partner to make you happy, diminish your loneliness, or bolster your ego. None of these will lead to healthy, adult relationships. On the other hand, if you understand that you are solely responsible for developing into a whole independent human being, you might be ready to share your life with another.

4. I’ll know I’m an adult when I have it all figured out!

Because there isn’t a definitive moment you become an adult, there is also no definitive answer to the uncertainties that life brings to you. Embracing that you will encounter more questions than answers is the real wisdom here. Don’t wait for a magical day in the future when it will all make sense. Open yourself up to the rich and fulfilling experience of learning along the way.

5. I need to have it all figured out!

Because there isn’t a definitive moment you become an adult, there is also no definitive answer to the uncertainties that life brings to you. Embracing that you will encounter more questions than answers is the real wisdom here. You might worry that you must have a concrete plan in order to be a successful adult. You feel that lacking direction means you are failing at the adult game. Setting goals for yourself can be a valuable tool for making decisions and giving you a sense of security; however, life will offer detours in the form of unexpected opportunities and unfortunate obstacles. Learning how to tolerate uncertainty and how to adapt to changing situations is a big part of being an adult. And if you’re worried that you’re stuck in whatever plan you’ve made because nothing is going your way, remember that you can change your mind. You’re the architect of your path, so you can change it.

Adulthood involves growth, acceptance, and openness, and its meaning will transform as you develop new skills, form new relationships, and indulge in new experiences. Enjoy the impermanence and be present in every vital moment!

It never fails: When August rolls around, parents begin calling the office. They are calling about their child, who made so much progress toward the end of the previous spring that we reduced or eliminated sessions. But as soon as the back-to-school supplies show up in stores, sleep patterns are disrupted, instances of acting out increase, and general chaos begins.

The children I see in my office often don’t realize why they are feeling so dysregulated. They blame situations with friends, their siblings, and their parents to externalize the cause for their behavior. Sometimes parents don’t even recognize the cause of increased anxiety. As I start asking questions to try to dig toward the cause of the change, I’ll hear tell-tale signals that school anxiety is building beneath the surface. “She’s crossing off the days on the calendar until school begins,” or “He asked if he could send an email to last year’s teacher.”

[fat_widget_right]Other children are very aware that their anxiety is related to school, and they process it outwardly. Every day, they express concerns about not knowing their new teacher, dread the amount of homework they are going to have, or worry that they might miss the bus on the first day of school. The caretakers of these children may quickly become overwhelmed because usually they can give no answer other than, “We’ll find out when school begins.”

What can parents do to help their anxious children transition to the new school year? How can children who don’t recognize how much a new beginning worries them begin to accept and embrace the new adventures that each school year brings?

1. A change in behavior prior to or following a major transition could be related to anxiety.

When a child begins to fight more frequently with a sibling or talk back to parents, take a step back and ask what may be going on in that child’s life. Beginning a new school year is a major unknown for a child, even if the child has attended that school previously. Getting used to new teachers, new classmates, and new routines can be daunting, even for a child who doesn’t experience anxiety. Imagine starting a new job. Your worries about a new boss, different coworkers, and changing responsibilities are likely to be very similar to your child’s concerns about the coming school year.

2. Recognize psychosomatic symptoms as possible signs of anxiety.

If your child begins complaining about stomachaches, headaches, or any other maladies, realize that this may be a signal they are experiencing anxiety. If a child is anxious, they may truly have a headache, but consider finding ways to relieve the anxiety instead of only treating the headache medically, as this is likely to have more long-term benefit. Mindful breathing or guided visualization can be great tools to help alleviate this type of stress.

3. Confront the conversation directly.

Parents often want to keep the peace in the days leading up to the first day of a new school year. However, prepping your child for the upcoming change and talking about the transition can be beneficial. Ask what types of school supplies your child wants, have the child visualize an ideal classroom, and encourage the child to discuss ways to react in case things don’t go exactly as planned. By bringing up the conversation gently, parents have the opportunity to encourage verbalization and reassure their child of their ability to handle the situation.

4. Try not to allow avoidance.

Ask what types of school supplies she or she wants, what a perfect classroom would be like, and what their plan is if things don’t go exactly as they would like. By bringing up the conversation gently, parents have the opportunity to encourage verbalization and reassure their child that they can handle the situation.The primary thing anxiety drives a person to do is avoid the anxiety-provoking situation. When your child says, “I don’t want to go shopping for school supplies,” break it into smaller segments, such as only going to pick out a backpack. Leave the rest for another day. By encouraging your child to push through anxiety, you help build the belief they can succeed during this transition.

5. Ask the school for help.

Talk to the teacher. Talk to the counselor. Give them a heads-up about what your child is experiencing. They may have a plan in place or ideas to try to help acclimate your child to the new school year before it begins. If your school hosts a “meet the teacher” or “back-to-school night,” you may choose to request a separate time that your child can drop off supplies and meet the new instructor.

6. Use guided visualization.

Take the time to write out a script with your child about how the first day will go, from the time the child wakes up to the return home. Focus only on the positive aspects of the day. At bedtime each night, either read the script to your child or have the child read the script, imagining every portion of the day in detail. When your child arrives at the situations in the script that tend to trigger anxiety, encourage mindful breathing for self-regulation and help the child visualize how to handle those obstacles while at school.

Generally, students settle into a routine within the first few weeks of school, and their anxiety subsides. However, if you notice that your child is still experiencing trouble after the first part of the school year, reach out to your school or to a professional counselor who can help you and your child learn more in-depth coping skills to handle these intense experiences.

Stress is an ongoing problem for many people in our fast-paced society. We have forgotten how to stop and smell the roses, and instead spend our days rushing to and from work, school, the store, or going to any number of other activities. We tend to be plugged into our iPhones, iPads, and computers for the majority of the day and struggle with unwinding and slowing down for a sufficient period of time to feel refreshed and relaxed.

One of the locations where we may experience significant stress is the workplace, where we are often expected to keep up with high demands, frequent interruptions, and multitasking. Over time, this level of pressure can take its toll on both our physical and psychological health and well-being.

As a therapist, one of the questions I am asked most frequently is how to deal more effectively with stress on the job. Some people may have a self-care routine at home, but they often have more difficulties with maintaining one at work. The following are strategies that can be used to help in reducing stress levels on the job:

[fat_widget_right]

1. Avoid eating lunch at your desk. Whenever possible, try to leave your work environment in order to take a break for lunch. Going for a brief walk and getting a little sunshine and fresh air can do wonders for refreshing your spirit in the middle of the workday. If this is not possible, at least try to eat lunch somewhere other than at your desk in order to avoid continuing to work at the same time.
2. Take a five-minute relaxation break once or twice a day. If you are feeling particularly stressed over a specific situation at work, take a break and listen to a short meditation or relaxation app that can be downloaded onto your phone. This can help you to gain a different perspective or to at least come back and approach your workload from a fresher frame of mind.
3. Get organized. Prioritize your workload to get things done in order of their importance. Becoming more efficient with your time will help to reduce your stress levels, as you may feel that you are accomplishing more. If you tend to struggle in this area, you might want to consider enrolling in a time management class, where you can learn more effective ways of organizing your tasks.
4. Get up and stretch. If you spend a lot of time working on the computer, try to get up once in a while to stretch your muscles. This can also be helpful in alleviating the eyestrain associated with looking at the screen for long periods at a time.
5. Discuss problems regarding your workload with your boss. Many people tell me that they feel overworked, but they frequently don’t express their concerns with their supervisor, which tends to make them feel worse. By talking to your boss about any issues that are coming up, you may be able to get some help resolving them. If this does not solve the problem, then you can reevaluate the situation and possibly consider looking for another job.
6. Take a few deep breaths. If you have had a stressful interaction with a client, colleague, or supervisor, try breathing deeply for a few minutes and focusing in on any tension you are feeling in your body. By taking a few moments to breathe, you can take your concentration off the stressful situation and center yourself prior to moving on to your next task.
7. Look at problems as challenges rather than obstacles. We can sometimes find creative solutions when we approach issues with an open mind and positive attitude rather than just considering the negative side. Also, think of what you might be able to learn from the situation instead of focusing on what you can’t do.

Although you can help to relieve tension on the job by following some of the techniques above, developing a good self-care regimen before and after work is an important part of reducing your overall stress levels. Start your day by meditating when you wake up to begin on a peaceful note, and try to incorporate some exercise into your routine at least several times a week. Also, make sure you are getting enough sleep in order to feel refreshed before facing your day.

Stress can have devastating effects on our health if we don’t take some time out to care for ourselves on a daily basis. Dedicating a little time every day to nourish our bodies, minds, and spirits can be an effective way to reduce our stress levels and improve our well-being.