Change is hard. We resist it, maintaining our longstanding behaviors and belief systems, because familiar is comfortable. We typically seek psychotherapy when our old ways lead to problems that make change necessary.

In conventional therapy, you may spend one or two hours per week developing new skills and exploring alternative perspectives. Once you leave the office, your therapist hopes you will incorporate the work you did into your daily life. Sometimes your therapist will assign you “homework” that reinforces the concepts addressed in your session. You might choose to journal or simply think about what you learned to make better sense of it and to uncover new insights for your next appointment.

This consistent attention to your therapy leads to continuity, the unbroken thread that ties together your revelations from week to week. This is the key to lasting change. You and your therapist plant the seeds for change in your session, and then your independent efforts allow them to take root and grow into the foundation for an improved life.

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Ideally, that is how therapy functions. In less ideal situations, you leave your therapy at the office door and pick it up only when you return the following week. If your needs are minimal, or you just need someone to listen, this pattern could work for you. However, if your goals revolve around healing deep-seated hurts, improving relationships, or breaking lifelong habits, this pattern rarely works. Without consistent effort between sessions, your therapy may feel disconnected from or even irrelevant to your daily life. If you don’t complete the tasks assigned to you each week, you miss the opportunity to practice new skills that contribute to the goals you set for yourself.

When you find yourself forgetting or even avoiding therapeutic work, you might ask yourself what is getting in the way of taking full advantage of your therapy. The most common answer is you don’t have enough time. After work, family, and other commitments, finding additional time and energy to be introspective or to practice new tools seems overwhelming. You feel stretched too thin, and just making it to a weekly appointment feels like the most you can do. If this reflects your situation, you and your therapist can plan how to optimize the limited time you have in a way that feels realistic to you.

If you’re wondering if there’s more to the story, ask yourself the following questions:

1. Do you prioritize others’ needs over your own?

Consider how much time and energy you devote to other people. Once you’ve given to your partner, your children, your friends, your parents, and your colleagues, you may struggle to find any remaining resources for yourself.

If your generosity leaves you feeling depleted, you may need to create stronger boundaries, which includes prioritizing self-care and carving out time for self-reflection outside of therapy.

Changing your life requires work. Weekly therapy sessions are just the beginning.

2. Are your expectations reasonable?

When your therapist asks you to practice a new behavior, it is expected that you will feel uncomfortable and may stumble on your new path. Your therapist wants you to challenge your status quo and take small, calculated risks that result in incremental change. Sometimes, though, perfectionism and all-or-nothing thinking may lead you to believe you must implement new strategies right the first time—or else they’re not worth trying at all. When you operate under this assumption, you miss out on the small victories that add up to greater achievement and increased self-confidence.

Perfectionism and the shame that comes with it may also convince you that what you’re learning in therapy should come easily to you. If these new concepts were obvious to you, you might not need a therapist in the first place! Ask your therapist for help when you’re confused, concerned, or unsure about something you’re processing. They can offer you additional guidance, but only when you’re willing to let them know you need it.

3. Are you afraid of something?

Despite your desire to change your life, actually changing it can be scary. Uncertainty tends to accompany change; perhaps you can’t imagine life any other way than what is familiar to you. Not being able to predict what happens next can feel paralyzing and prevent you from moving forward. Perhaps you also worry that you’ll become someone you don’t recognize.

Modifying your outlook on the world, behaving differently in relationships, and forgiving others and yourself has the power to transform you. You and your therapist should proceed at a pace that is appropriate for you, so you can integrate these new ways of being into your identity. Rather than feeling like you have to become someone else, you can explore how to evolve into a more adaptive, flexible, and limitless version of who you already are.

4. Do you really want to change?

Ultimately, you are in charge of how your life unfolds. You have the right to accept yourself as you are and live your life as you see fit. You have the right to determine which relationships to maintain, what behavior to tolerate, and who deserves your forgiveness. If the change you seek clashes with your core values or is the result of outside pressure, you may struggle to motivate yourself to work on your therapy.

Sometimes, therapy will help you realize you don’t want to or are not ready to change. You get to make that choice. You must remember, however, that you don’t get to choose the consequences of your choice. Your decision may create more peace in your life and/or lead to the end of important relationships. Your decision may leave you stuck in an untenable situation and/or open your eyes to the positive aspects of your life that you previously ignored. Whatever you do, make sure your choice not to change is the one that feels right for you.

Changing your life requires work. Weekly therapy sessions are just the beginning. The real work happens between sessions, when you actively engage in the creation of change and commit to making it last.

Tinder users may feel less satisfied with their bodies and appearance, and male Tinder users tend to have lower self-esteem than non-Tinder users, according to a study presented at the annual conference of the American Psychological Association.

Tinder, a dating app that allows users to quickly review dozens of profiles (a finger swipe to the right indicates interest and a swipe to the left is a definitive sign of rejection), has been criticized for promoting a superficial dating culture. An article in magazine Vanity Fair blamed Tinder for bringing about a “dating apocalypse” and for treating dating as a never-ending competition. Some critics worry that Tinder—which has about 50 million active users worldwide—creates a constant quest to find the “best” date, treating people as commodities rather than looking for deeper connections or relationships.

How Tinder Affects Mental Health

The study looked at 1,044 women and 273 men, most of whom were undergraduate students. Participants completed questionnaires about their body image, mental health, perceived objectification, and demographic factors.

About 10% of participants said they were Tinder users. This group reported lower overall satisfaction with their bodies and appearance. Specifically, Tinder users were more likely to embrace societal expectations of beauty, to compare their appearance to others, to draw information about attractiveness from the media, and to experience body image issues.

[fat_widget_right]Male Tinder users also reported lower self-esteem than non-Tinder users. Because the study involved more women than men, the study’s authors say more research is necessary to determine whether this correlation holds. Previous research has mostly focused on women’s self-esteem and body image, but this study suggests men may experience these issues as much as women do.

Does Tinder Cause Self-Esteem Problems?

The study does not prove that Tinder causes self-esteem problems, though it does establish a correlation. Its authors suggest the app may make users feel disposable and hyper-aware of appearance issues, but they recognize the possibility that people who already have low self-esteem may be more likely to use Tinder. Because the study also found that Tinder users pay more attention to messages from media about body image, the authors also say it is possible the other way around: people who take body image and self-esteem cues from media may also be more likely to use Tinder.

References:

1. Sales, N. J. (2015, September). Tinder and the dawn of the dating apocalypse. Retrieved from http://www.vanityfair.com/culture/2015/08/tinder-hook-up-culture-end-of-dating
2. Tinder: Swiping self-esteem? (2016, August 4). Retrieved from http://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2016/08/tinder-self-esteem.aspx

If you pay close attention to social media, music messages, and news trends, you’d be forgiven for thinking disrespectful and rude behavior from children and adolescents is on the rise. The challenges of modern parenting certainly add a layer of complexity. In many families, the authoritarian parenting styles of previous generations have given way to a gentler approach to managing problem behaviors in kids, some of whom have less direct supervision with two parents working and thus more time to be influenced by peers.

Simply put, many parents don’t have the time or resources needed to thoroughly work through undesirable behaviors with their children. As a result, many children have a limited understanding of how to behave respectfully and appropriately.

Where Does Disrespectful Behavior Come From?

When your child or adolescent begins to behave disrespectfully toward you, it is a clear indication you’ve lost some control in the relationship. As a parent, it may be time to change how you respond to your child’s behavior. It is crucial to be consistent in your response going forward and to take your power back. You don’t have to adopt an authoritarian style of discipline in order to establish a clear, firm set of ground rules regarding what behavior will be tolerated and what will not.

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At the same time, it’s important to recognize that not all unpleasant behaviors are coming from an unhealthy place. It is not unusual for children and adolescents to challenge authority by rolling their eyes, talking back, or otherwise demonstrating an attitude. When kids behave in this way, they are often pushing back in the normal course of individuation, or developing a sense of self separate from their parents.

How to Avoid Power Struggles

Once you have emotionally entered into a power struggle with your child or adolescent, you have lost. The following are strategies to avoid being pulled into a power struggle:

1. Do not take what is said by your child or adolescent personally. Although this can be difficult if your child or adolescent is swearing in your face or name-calling, getting swept up in the words and the heated emotions behind them will only undermine your message, which is: I am in charge here. Period.
2. Have a plan ready. If your child or adolescent has been successful in embroiling you into a fight or a power struggle in the past, be prepared for them to try to do it again. Plan ahead about what you are going to do when your kid attempts to pull you in again. Plan to take a calm, businesslike tone. Know your limits in advance, plan to state them, and walk away. Plan to avoid engaging in push-pull.
3. Give your child or adolescent an active role in resolving problematic behavior. I often recommend to parents that they involve their child or adolescent in discussions about what they believe the consequences for disrespectful behavior should be. If your kid has a voice in what happens, they may have more buy-in. Once consequences have been determined, you may decide to give the consequence and have a follow-up discussion later about what happened.
4. Be consistent. Perhaps the most difficult part about parenting is being consistent, yet it is also the most important part. If you want your child or adolescent to take you seriously and behave differently in the future, you must be steady in your responses and the disciplinary measures you employ.
5. Be clear about your role. As a parent, your role is to teach and model respectful behavior and effective problem solving in order to help your child or adolescent function appropriately and successfully. Your job is to help them grow into responsible, respectful adults in an increasingly challenging world. That means setting reasonable rules and limits, and being prepared to enforce them. Let it be known that while you love your child unconditionally, you won’t tolerate disrespect—toward you or anyone else.

Life can be stressful for anyone, but for people dealing with the negative effects of trauma on top of everyday life, elevated stress levels can be much more common. One course of treatment for experiencing a more positive and peaceful life after trauma is eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), a methodology originated by Francine Shapiro. It pairs specific protocols with bilateral stimulation—back-and-forth eye movements, alternating tones delivered through headphones, and/or alternating tactile stimulation such as vibrations delivered through hand-held pulsers. Part of the eight-phase EMDR protocol includes teaching the person in therapy a relaxation technique to recall when needed.

One of the most common relaxation techniques for EMDR is known as “safe place,” also referred to as “calm place.” This technique is part of the second phase of EMDR known as “preparation.” Prior to this phase, the person’s history is taken, assessments are performed to determine if EMDR is appropriate, and a treatment plan is prepared. This matters because before a counselor proceeds with EMDR, a person must be assessed for physical health, support system, and any tendency to dissociate. Therefore, it is imperative that all portions of EMDR protocols are performed only by a trained, qualified EMDR clinician.

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“Safe place” may be thought of as an emotional sanctuary where a person can internally go to recover stability when feeling stressed. Once the person has successfully learned to perform “safe place,” it is used in the reprocessing phase or to close a session. It is also useful in one’s everyday life between sessions when a person feels stress or a disturbance rising to a point they need to take out and use a coping tool from their internal toolbox.

‘Safe Place’ Protocol in EMDR

When “safe place” is taught to a person preparing for EMDR, the counselor will guide the person through the following steps shared by Shapiro (2001):

“Safe place” may be thought of as an emotional sanctuary where a person can internally go to recover stability when feeling stressed.

1. The person is asked to picture an image of a place that generates feelings of calm and safety.
2. The person is asked to focus on the physical sensations and emotions that are conjured while imagining the “safe place.”
3. The counselor encourages a sense of security and may add soothing tones, such as ocean waves, to enhance the effect.
4. While the person concentrates on the image, sensations, and emotions, sets of eye movements or other bilateral stimulation may be included to “install,” or strengthen, the “safe place.”
5. The person is asked to think of a word to associate with the “safe place” and add this to the calm, safe image and sensations. Sets of bilateral stimulation are added.
6. The person is asked to self-cue the image and feelings.
7. The person is asked to think of a minor annoyance and its accompanying emotions. The counselor then guides the person through the exercise until the undesired emotions melt away.
8. The person is asked to think of another disturbance and follow the exercise without the counselor’s assistance to ensure the person can perform the exercise unassisted.

The person should be instructed to practice “safe place” daily by retrieving the positive image, emotions, and sensations via the cue word. People can then use “safe place” to relax and reduce stress any time needed. Shapiro believes people preparing to be treated with EMDR can benefit not only the “safe place” visualization but also from listening to guided visualizations such as those included in Letting Go of Stress (Miller, 2014), as these may increase the the effectiveness of “safe place” as a means of self-control.

While “safe place” for EMDR should be taught by a qualified clinician, anyone can access guided meditation/visualization CDs and podcasts to help to manage stress, fall asleep at bedtime, and promote a positive self-image. These materials may be found for little or no cost through public libraries, iTunes, and online resources. Comments below sharing your favorite guided visualization/meditation resources are welcome.

References:

1. Miller, E. (2014). Letting go of stress. San Anselmo, CA: Halpern Inner Peace Music.
2. Shapiro, F. (2001). Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing: Basic principles, protocols, and procedures (2^nd). New York, NY: The Guilford Press.

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

Three months ago, my husband returned from his second deployment to the Middle East. I was excited to see him and resume our life together, but he came back to me a changed man, and not for the better. He barely talks to me. He just sits there and watches television or goes out drinking or lays in bed all day. Every time I try to talk to him, he gets snippy and tells me to leave him alone. I can count the number of times we’ve had sex on one hand. He has made me cry numerous times and he acts like I’m not even in the room, let alone tries to comfort me or apologize.

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I have gathered from people I’ve talked to that he witnessed some horrific things while deployed, including bombings, shootings, and several deaths. He has told me he was shot at repeatedly. I don’t mean to downplay the effects that can have on a human being. I can’t imagine having been in that position. I don’t doubt that it would change me, too. I know he’s hurting terribly, and I want to help, but he won’t let me. He won’t let me in.

After talking it over with my parents, I’ve decided to leave him, at least for now. I just can’t subject myself to the hurtful language and behavior anymore. He’s not treating me like a wife or even a friend, but rather like the enemy. And yes, for the record, I feel guilty about leaving, but should I? I feel like I’ve done everything I can do. Maybe you have other ideas. I hurt for him, for me, and for our marriage. —Not the Enemy

Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist

Dear NTE,

Thank you for writing. I read your question with a heavy heart, feeling sadness for your husband and for you. I would not blame yourself or consciously nurture guilt or shame. It sounds as though distancing yourself was a necessary last resort. I do not think your husband is fully conscious of what he is doing, nor do I think you are acting selfishly.

Not to downplay your suffering in the slightest, but your husband has been to hell and back. His feelings and behavior are not inconsistent with other veterans exposed to such horrific trauma. It may be posttraumatic stress (PTSD) or dissociative numbness or some/all of the above, but I do know that too many of our veterans are not receiving the treatment they need and ought to have, considering their selflessness and risk. Not long ago I read that PTSD is not a qualifying condition for receiving the Purple Heart, that only obvious physical injuries qualify. This, I think, indicates the stigma of shame and corresponding ignorance accompanying mental health issues, which only superficially appears to undermine stereotypes of “bravery” and so forth. As always, we tend to be afraid of what we can’t tangibly see or explicitly define, and psychology remains a curious mix of art and science (and philosophy, and literature …).

Yet what could be braver than facing one’s own inner “demons”? A veteran I once treated briefly for addiction said he found facing “the monster within” was more frightening than actual gunfights he’d seen on assignment. Your husband is in the awful predicament of needing to process indescribably hellacious experiences, within the right setting with a trained professional, of course. This could never be expected of a partner or loved one.

Acute trauma also, as indicated by your empathic, eloquent question, affects the families of those suffering, as the traumatized one’s behavior pushes others away. You, too, sound traumatized in being neglected, shut out, demeaned, and so forth—painful experiences for someone who, I surmise, longs to reconnect with a long-absent spouse.

It is interesting that some people, including some professionals, call patterns of psychological suffering “disorders.” But if you put it in context, both you and your husband are having a normal, human reaction to extreme circumstances which would be “disordering” to anyone. Being abused in childhood or traumatized in battle might, for instance, lead to addictive or depressive (or other) issues, though it’s worth asking whether it is the person or their traumatizing experiences that are disordered.

Your husband returned to “normal life” with profound suffering and perhaps shame, and reacts by “acting out” (I mean this non-pejoratively) what he is feeling, keeping you at a painful distance and emotionally wounding you in the process. Perhaps he feels too overwhelmed or ashamed to express his pain and corresponding inadequacy, and so he enacts his trauma on those closest to him as a way of unconsciously expressing what he feels inside but cannot express, hiding his vulnerability defensively, even hurtfully. Clearly, there is some kind of unbearable risk for him in allowing the kind of intimacy you so understandably want and miss.

Often trauma makes a person into a kind of wary rescue animal—strong but brutalized, rowling or hissing angrily over and over again at anyone who approaches, until they can, slowly and painstakingly, learn to trust again. It is hard, if not impossible, for us to do this without the proper support.

His own repressed or dissociated trauma feelings are, in other words, probably similar to what you are feeling: shame, a sense of feeling torn, abandoned, and abandoning (since he may also long to reconnect but is too terrified or wounded to do so, perhaps guilty or ashamed he left you behind or is doing so now in his withdrawal). In a bizarre way, he may feel he is protecting you from the chaos within; if he feels he is drowning in unexpressed pain and terror, he may not want to pull a beloved into the maelstrom. He may say, in other words, “You couldn’t handle it,” while you respond, “Try me.”

Often trauma makes a person into a kind of wary rescue animal—strong but brutalized, rowling or hissing angrily over and over again at anyone who approaches, until they can, slowly and painstakingly, learn to trust again. It is hard, if not impossible, for us to do this without the proper support.

Of course, what your husband may be missing or repressing is that the distancing itself is hurtful to you and the relationship, and ultimately self-sabotaging, since what he (likely) needs most of all is human connection, emotional safety, and deep validation of his suffering, in a way that confirms (and not undermines) his manhood. (He may unconsciously feel he is “the enemy” for being so “weak” and shamefully afraid, may feel shame or guilt that he could not protect or save those who died—again, a common reaction.)

At a certain point, however, we have to get in the lifeboat even if our loved one refuses to do so. It is an impossibly painful choice. This leads me to reiterate, again, that there is no “right” decision here for you. You can stay and risk drowning, or find safety yourself while anxious you have “left him behind.”

If only we could somehow culturally redefine “strength” to mean addressing and healing, rather than avoiding or numbing, our own psychic pain and isolation. If only, in such a masculinized culture like the police or military, emotional sensitivity is not equated with being “wimpy,” etc. It’s actually the “keep a stiff upper lip and carry on” mentality that is dangerous after the battle has ended.

Perhaps, then, you can role model for your husband the kind of strength I’m talking about. I cannot recommend enough the following: support, support, and more support. I strongly suggest you seek out the kind of education and emotional assistance your husband needs. Is there a “wives of veterans” group, in person or online, from which you can find sustenance, both practical and psychological? Can the local or online VA provide helpful info? I would bet what you are experiencing is also not uncommon. It is too early to abandon hope, and helping yourself is helping the relationship since you are 50% of the equation.

You might also seek out counseling, either individual or group, via a therapist with specific training and experiencing in this area. Trauma resulting from military service or firefights is not quite like any other, given the specifics of military culture, codes of honor and bravery, and so forth. You can look via GoodTherapy.org, if you like. But do find something, because this is agonizing, if not impossible, to handle on one’s own. Ending the pain of your guilt and isolation will make it easier to communicate with your husband, and I would urge you to not make a final decision until after you have found some peer or professional support.

I thank you again for writing. You, too, are doing your country a duty in attempting to help yourself and your husband address the wounds he carries inside.

Kind regards,

Darren

In times like these, when intolerance is everywhere you look—from political campaigns to schoolyard bullying to routine traffic stops—you might feel the way so many of the people I work with in therapy do: helpless. It can seem as if nothing you do makes much of a difference. Fortunately, there is a way to create real, lasting change, and that’s by teaching our children the ideal way to treat others. It’s the very definition of thinking globally but acting locally: increasing tolerance in the world starts at home.

It’s fair to assume most parents want to raise the kid who welcomes all friends, is kind to others regardless of skin color or religious beliefs, and is unafraid of differences. But with children receiving radically different messages every day (at school, on social media, and in the news), families must be proactive in being the most influential messengers in their lives. By raising children who are aware and accepting of differences, we can help ensure that their lives will be better—more peaceful childhoods, more successful careers—and increase the likelihood the world changes for the better along with them.

Here are seven simple strategies for encouraging acceptance and open-mindedness in your family:

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1. Start as Early as Possible

For a long time, it was assumed we were born with the tendency to judge others. After all, our brains function by recognizing patterns (“t” and “o” make the word “to”) and categorizing information (“apple” and “orange” are both “fruit”). And some studies seemed to indicate that part of our brain (the amygdala, which registers emotions such as fear) lit up when we saw faces of different colors, indicating a subconscious detection of threat. The assumption that prejudice and racism are innate made it tough to figure out how to fight these insidious issues.

More recently, these findings have been largely debunked. And some new research goes even further, indicating that young kids are uniquely unprejudiced. One study carried out on children showed that the amygdala wasn’t activated until the age of 14. In other words, there’s reason to believe that if we model acceptance early and often, kids will pick it up easily and persuasively. So don’t wait to talk to your kids until you think they can fully understand—the conversation can start with simple concepts and progress to more complex ideas over time.

2. Check Your Own Attitude

The first step to transforming your children’s outlook is to look at your own point of view. After all, children learn by mimicking. Babies watch our faces carefully to pick up social cues. They smile when we do to get a positive reaction from caregivers. Toddlers study how others handle objects so they can manipulate a spoon or a television remote. And older children hear how their parents talk about others, and imitate language used at home.

Whenever you feel your anger rising or see it in your kids, stop and ask what the other people in the scenario might be experiencing. Could that driver who just cut you off in traffic be rushing home to a sick child? Might the man yelling at the drugstore employee have been fired recently? Could the bully at school have learned violence at home?

Because the ways we talk about people, stereotype, or express fear are noticed by our children, we have to be careful about our own, perhaps unacknowledged, prejudices. If we sprinkle a more compassionate viewpoint into the way we talk and act, our kids are more likely to take on this softer point of view.

In my practice, I’ve repeatedly seen the power of compassion. When people are angry or hurt, they tend to focus solely on themselves and how they’ve been wronged. Kids, especially young ones, are already primed to concentrate on their own feelings when they’re mad or sad. By asking them to put the focus on the other person, and by being empathetic to what the other party is going through, their eyes are opened. And sometimes, their anger just melts away.

You can apply this in everyday living. Whenever you feel your anger rising or see it in your kids, stop and ask what the other people in the scenario might be experiencing. Could that driver who just cut you off in traffic be rushing home to a sick child? Might the man yelling at the drugstore employee have been fired recently? Could the bully at school have learned violence at home?

These interpretations make us more understanding and less judgmental. By aiming a more considered response at the issue, we teach an antidote to thoughtless anger and hatred.

3. Eschew the Easy Answer

It’s simple, and in a way natural, to jump to conclusions about people or lump them into categories. A girl is wearing a too-short skirt in high school? Bad morals handed down from bad parents. A group of boys are wearing hoodies? They’re in a gang.

But racial and social issues are multi-determined, meaning there are a variety of factors leading up to any one outcome. To help your child learn how to think through an issue in a complex way, look for all sides to the story by asking them a lot of questions. Start with small, local problems: What might the girl in the skirt believe about sexuality? What does her culture teach her? How did the media affect her clothing choices? Then, as their thinking becomes more mature, move on to global issues, such as immigration. Some sample questions: What might it be like to grow up in a state where religious mores are the law? How would it feel to be forced from your country, and how might you feel about the people in your new residence?

4. Use Respectful Language

If you want your child to truly believe that all people are equal, you have to walk the walk. Monitor how you respond to others and describe them. Is it possible that, sometimes without realizing it, you make a derogatory comment when someone is dressed in a way you find threatening? That you might respond to your child’s story about an annoying classmate by calling the kid “a jerk” or “stupid”?

Often, we feel more justified in making fun of our own community. I hear many families poke fun at their own customs or complain about older family members’ conventions. But this criticism can sound more insulting than you realize, unintentionally passing down an attitude to your kids that it’s okay to criticize other people’s beliefs or judge their way of life.

5. Allow for Multicultural Education

It’s becoming more common for schools to tackle themes of cultural variation and to celebrate differences. Knowing more about other people’s rituals and beliefs makes them less foreign and less scary. And seeing teachers value traditions other than their own sends a powerful message to kids about how to be respectful, open-minded, and accepting.

If your child’s school hasn’t already started a program or class in multiculturalism, consider bringing up the idea. Festivals, clubs, or after-school programs are some smaller venues for getting kids involved and starting conversations around tolerance.

6. Talk Through Tragedy

Sadly, kids are being exposed to more and more violence and stories of discrimination. This also means there are many opportunities to talk through difficult issues. Although many parents are afraid of traumatizing kids by bringing up seemingly adult problems, the truth is kids are usually aware of the problems already and are often more capable of thinking about solutions than we give them credit for.

Go for honesty whenever possible, but go easy on the details, especially to young kids. Check in with them again later to see if any of the issues raised have caused them concerns or fears, or if they’ve heard anything scary from others. Don’t do all the talking; listen to their concerns, and ask if they have any ideas about how to help.

It’s okay to admit you don’t have the answers. Just sitting and experiencing sadness together can be healing in itself.

7. Get Involved

One big roadblock to compassion is the fatigue that sets in when we feel like we can’t possibly make a difference. When we take action, even in small ways, it’s an opportunity for kids to feel more involved and positive. Consider actions you can take with your kids that will help empower them, such as raising money, sending letters, or joining local meetings.

Another tip is to avoid segregating your children. Many parents hope to protect and shelter their kids by limiting their exposure to outside influences. The truth is, the more experiences they have and the more communities they join, the better able they may be to cope with the complexities of the world. Kids who go from private school to country club to family vacation, with no chance to branch outside of their community, may naturally be limited in their abilities to be flexible and open-minded. Volunteering in a different community, traveling, and joining clubs outside of their neighborhood are good ways to open their eyes.

Try one or more of the above suggestions at home. You may be surprised at how hopeful and proactive it feels to tackle this issue head-on. If you feel like you need more ideas, it can be helpful to work with a therapist or educator who specializes in working with children. Together, we can transform a moment that feels unrelentingly negative into something positive.

References:

1. Leu, C. (2015).  Innate or Learned Prejudice? Turns Out Even the Blind Aren’t Color Blind on Race. California Magazine. Retrieved from http://alumni.berkeley.edu/california-magazine/fall-2015-questions-race/innate-or-learned-prejudice-turns-out-even-blind-arent
2. Northwestern University: Hugenberg, K., & Bodenhausen, G. V. (2003). Facing Prejudice: Implicit Prejudice and the Perception of Facial Threat. Psychological Science. Retrieved from http://faculty.wcas.northwestern.edu/bodenhausen/PS03.pdf
3. Wright, Robert. (2012, October 17). New Evidence That Racism Isn’t “Natural”. Retrieved from http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2012/10/new-evidence-that-racism-isnt-natural/263785/

Most mothers likely want their daughters to develop a positive body image and a healthy sexual self-esteem. However, many moms inadvertently act in ways that are counter to this goal, often because they may feel shy or embarrassed to talk about their bodies and sexuality. This message may, over time, get passed along to their daughters.

What is a healthy sexual self-esteem, exactly? This refers to a person’s ability to connect to their sexual identity and self in an age- and developmentally appropriate way. Healthy sexual self-esteem could mean experiencing our body in a sexual way, enjoying our body sexually, and eventually sharing our body sexually with someone else. Many moms tell me they want to raise their daughters to be like this one day. They want their daughters to feel great about their bodies and to experience pleasure when they are older, in a healthy adult relationship. The question is: how do we get there?

First of all, it may be necessary to reframe the part of you that still believes talking to your daughter about her body and sexuality may be harmful. The research does not support this notion. In a study published in 2008 in the Journal of Adolescent Health, for example, researchers Kohler et al. found that adolescents who received comprehensive sex education were significantly less likely to report teen pregnancy than those who had received abstinence-only education. In fact, abstinence-only education did not reduce the likelihood of engaging in vaginal intercourse, but comprehensive sex education did.

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With the research firmly on the side of talking to your daughter about her sexuality, how do you go about it?

General Tips

• Start early and deliver age-appropriate messages. This conversation is a years-long one. Don’t wait for children to ask questions or initiate, as some may be too embarrassed. As the adult, overcome any discomfort you feel and talk to them.
• Model healthy body image, no matter your shape or size. Reject media images of so-called ideals. Promote a greater picture of health and nutrition rather than focusing on fat or weight specifically. Model appropriate affection with your partner.
• Be real. This means being direct, honest, and conveying the facts alongside a positive and affirming perspective.

Toddler Years

• Put a positive spin on bodily functions (i.e., “You threw up because your body was saying the food you ate did not work well in your body. Your body can be trusted and knows how to protect you!”).
• Don’t shame their bodies by saying things like, “Go put your clothes on,” or, “Don’t run around the house naked.”
• Teach them the correct names of body parts: vagina, penis, testicles, etc.
• When the time comes/when they ask, tell them how babies are made. For example: “When a mommy and daddy love each other very much, the mommy’s egg meets the daddy’s sperm and that makes a baby. Then the baby grows in the mommy’s uterus until it’s big enough to come out. When the baby’s ready, the uterus squeezes, and the baby comes out of the vagina. Then mommy’s body goes back to the way it was.”

Pre-Puberty/Puberty

• Put a positive spin on distressing changes (i.e., “You are becoming a woman! That’s wonderful! Welcome to the world of womanhood.”). At the same time, discuss openly any negative aspects of puberty-related changes rather than glossing over them.
• Tell stories from your childhood—your first period, perhaps, or even embarrassing stories. Show them that you survived and they will, too.
• Don’t shame their bodies with messages like, “You can’t wear that.”
• Teach them about male and female puberty, natural bodily changes, and the basics of sex.
• Take your daughter to get her first bra. Bring it up; she may be too embarrassed.
• Give her deodorant, a razor, sanitary pads, tampons, etc. Tell her you have noticed she’s becoming a beautiful young woman. Again, pre-empt these things.

Adolescence

• Encourage your daughter to trust her body and to listen to it (i.e., if she gets a stomachache before a test, talk to her about how her body is telling her something).
• Again, don’t shame their bodies. Talk about what messages they want to portray about themselves by the way they dress and appear. Share examples from your own life.
• Talk about relationships as portrayed in books and movies and how those portrayals differ from real life. Talk about couples dynamics and what your child may like/doesn’t like about how relationships are portrayed vs. the reality of relationships.
• Don’t encourage her to hide her wanting to grow up. Pick your battles. If you find out she’s tweezing her eyebrows, it’s not the end of the world. Instead, help her find an article online about eyebrow tweezing (or whatever else) and use this as an opportunity for open discussion. Shaming a child can lead the child to want to hide things from you later.
• Talk to her about her period. Introduce her to the variety of menstrual supplies available and encourage her to explore all of them to discover what works best for her. Tampons may seem scary, for example, but using them may help some adolescents become more comfortable with their bodies. Help her get used to her period as a normative event, not something shameful or secret.

Raising any child is difficult, but raising a daughter may come with its own particular challenges. To promote healthy body image and sexual self-esteem, keep your conversations real and regular, be a trusted resource for accurate information, and model what you want your daughter to aspire to both in and out of relationships.

Reference:

Kohler, P. K., Manhart, L. E., & Lafferty, W. E. (2008). Abstinence-only and comprehensive sex education and the initiation of sexual activity and teen pregnancy. Journal of Adolescent Health, 42, 344-351.

Let’s begin by saying the only reason this article is relevant is because people today face many problematic social discourses around romance, relationships, and the quest to find “the one.” We have been conditioned to accept a single story of what a fulfilling relationship is. The single story I speak of encompasses the familiar idea of Mx. Right, the one person who meets all our needs, a perfect “soulmate” who exists somewhere out there. By buying into this, we unwittingly limit our experience and rob ourselves of endless opportunities and possibilities.

Unrealistic pressures from society and culture don’t help, but it’s more complicated than that. From reviewing my own past as a single man, helping people in my practice who present with severe distress because of their single status, and talking to single friends, it seems evident to me that many of the strategies we use in our quest to find fulfilling relationships aren’t productive. Our priorities are often not aligned in a productive way.

People’s motivations for finding someone to share their lives with are often misinformed as well. They may not understand clearly why they want to be in a relationship. People often lack insight about their own needs, hopes, and dreams, leading them into the trap that’s been established and reinforced by harmful social discourses.

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I have seen anxiety, fear, desperation, frustration, and disappointment all make an appearance in the quest for finding the right partner. What values have been abandoned in the process?

If a person is experiencing significant distress as a result of something, they usually cease doing whatever it is that’s causing the distress. That is often not the case when it comes to finding a romantic partner. Instead, many people repeat the same patterns of behavior that bring them pain and unsatisfactory outcomes. Albert Einstein once said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results.

People might not realize what they may be giving up when they invest so much of their time and energy in finding “the one.” How much time and money do you spend on online dating? How much money are you spending on that outfit you hope will score you a life partner? How much money are you spending on extravagant dinners to show potential mates how stable and secure you are? How much time are you spending in front of a mirror perfecting your appearance? When does it stop being worth it?

Have you thought about what it might be like if you belonged to a different culture, perhaps practiced a different religion, or if you had been raised by a different family with different customs? Sure, it is possible that finding “the one” would have still been important, but would it be prioritized over other aspects of your life? I can’t help you change your context, your environment, your upbringing, or your culture, but perhaps I can offer you some ideas to help you approach finding your “soulmate” from a different angle.

First, Get to Know Yourself

Ask yourself why you want to be in a relationship. Be honest with yourself here. What would be the benefits and the costs of being paired up with someone? Are you okay with the costs and if so, why? What’s important to you in life? Would trying to find a life partner or having a partner challenge that?

Understanding your core needs, values, and hopes is essential. If you don’t know yourself, you can’t really get to know anybody else.

Second, Stop Being So Picky!

I’m not saying anyone should have low standards, but what makes you think you deserve perfection? It is important to practice compassion when getting to know someone and to try to put yourself in their shoes. This may allow you to open up to infinite possibilities.

Nevertheless, I understand there are certain things you just can’t live with or without, so here’s one way to achieve more clarity: Make a list of physical and nonphysical traits (personality, values, goals, etc.) that you hope your special someone will have (or not have). Your list should not be longer than 10 items. Then, from your list, pick just two traits you are not willing to accept (or give up), and focus only on those two when meeting people and dating. Think of all the other traits on your list as bonuses.

Third, Learn from People Who Know You

Ask the people who know you best what they know about you. Ask them to describe you in a few words and take notes! Ask several people, preferably. If you notice certain patterns and descriptions being brought up by different people, those may be the ones you may want to use for this exercise.

I invite you to ask these people to share stories about you that confirm these descriptions (“How did you come to see me as a generous person?” “Can you tell me a story about this?”). Can you think of stories of your own? Do these descriptions fit with how you have been viewing yourself? Whatever your answer, ask yourself how, when, and where you came to learn this about you. Do this exercise a few times until you are comfortable with the information you gathered.

Lastly, Emphasize Complementarity Over Compatibility

One of the biggest mistakes I believe people make is looking for a “compatible” partner. First of all, if you aren’t clear on your own motivations, values, or hopes, you may not truly recognize what compatible is. The key here is to find someone you can create balance with. Think about it: Isn’t it more appealing to think about finding someone who adds to your experience than someone who has the same or similar experience?

Relationships are hard; why should finding a partner to have a fulfilling relationship with be any different?

You may want someone who can offer you something you don’t have, and vice versa. There may be some truth to the notion “opposites attract.” If you hate to cook, for example, wouldn’t it be great if you were in a relationship with someone who finds joy in cooking? Complementarity can be so much more fulfilling than compatibility, especially in the long run.

Now take some of the descriptions about you from step 3 above and identify the opposites of those. Could these be added to your list of requirements for a mate? What do you have that you can contribute to someone else’s life?

The suggestions I’ve presented here are by no means rules, and they may or may not be useful in your particular set of circumstances. They are simply ideas I have learned through my clinical practice, training, and personal experience. My hope is that they provide some new ways of looking at and working around some of the harmful social discourses we all live with.

Relationships are hard; why should finding a partner to have a fulfilling relationship with be any different? Explore. Ask yourself the hard questions. Ask others. Learn and most importantly live your truth. I’m not going to end this by wishing you luck, because it may very well take more than that. Get to work!

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I recently attended my father’s funeral, which was a very large gathering with family, friends, and people in the community. He touched many lives and was well-known around town, so hundreds of people showed up to pay respects. Tears were shed, handshakes and hugs were exchanged, and memories were shared. It was an emotional day, to say the least … but I didn’t even come close to crying. In fact, I haven’t cried at all since he passed. I’ve tried, because it seems like the thing to do, and because people have been telling me things like, “You just have to let it out,” or, “You’ll feel so much better afterward.”

In general I don’t consider myself a very emotional person, though I’ve been known to shed a tear at sad movies. And I cried when my childhood dog died in my 20s. So it makes me feel even worse that I was able to express some emotion at those times and not now, at a clearly more impactful loss. And it’s not like I hated my dad, either. We’d grown apart in recent years, but I have positive memories from my childhood when my dad was around and not away for military service, as he often was.

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My two siblings are grieving in “normal” ways, and they definitely think I’m some kind of monster for not crying at all, especially at the funeral. Meanwhile, I’ve been the one with a clear head on my shoulders to help our mother arrange the memorial, get her finances in order, etc. So at least some good has come out of my apathy. But I do wonder why I’m not reacting more strongly, and whether I should be doing something to make myself move through grief more.

Would it be helpful to try to make myself cry? Does crying need to be a part of grief? I don’t want to draw the grief process out unnecessarily if I can instead just move forward. —Dried Up

Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist

Dear Dried Up,

A parent’s passing can be a momentous time in one’s life—and assuming we know and outlive them, we all experience it eventually. Each of us will react in our own way. That means we will cry or not, feel sad or not, feel free or not, feel glad or not. Whatever our feelings or, more accurately, mixture of our feelings, we will be affected—some people more, some less, some more openly expressive, some less. That’s all part of being human.

You dubbed yourself “Dried Up.” I was surprised when I read that. What does it mean? Then I thought, “dried up” implies that what was wet before is dry now. I wonder if there were times in your early life when you were unhappy, and now you’ve reached equilibrium.

You write that you cried when your dog died and you also cry at certain movies. Some movies are arranged to make people cry; that’s their purpose. And when your dog died, you were in your 20s, a time when people start truly becoming adults. Although I don’t know you well enough to unravel what made you who you are, it’s certainly possible your dog’s death may have been associated with the end of your childhood. If so, you may have cried both for the dog and also that it marked the ending of a precious time in your life.

Now that your father has died, you wonder why you don’t cry. You wonder if there is something wrong with you, perhaps. That presumes that crying is not only normal, but mandatory.

Who says you have to cry? Every person experiences grief in their own way and in their own time. Everybody expresses their emotions differently, and there is no right way to do it.

Who says you have to cry? Every person experiences grief in their own way and in their own time. Everybody expresses their emotions differently, and there is no right way to do it. It’s a purely individual matter. You write that you are generally reserved emotionally—that’s neither a positive nor a negative attribute, but rather a description of your place on a continuum of emotional expressiveness. Some people are more openly expressive, some less, just like some folks have brown eyes and others have blue eyes.

Your siblings seem to have precise ideas about the right and wrong ways to have feelings and subsequently show them. I wonder if this is not part of a larger story about how you relate to one another. They are not pleased with you because you did not display grief as they did. Do you all have to be the same? Is there only one way to be?

You speak of your apathy. I’m not sure I understand what you mean by that, and I wonder if you might mean impassivity rather than apathy, so I looked up apathy in the dictionary. Merriam-Webster differentiates apathy from impassivity: “Impassivity stresses the absence of any external sign of emotion in action or facial expression.” What’s wrong with that?

I definitely do not think you should make yourself cry. You shouldn’t make yourself do anything. Just be yourself and let things take their natural course.

Take care,

Lynn

Some people say they do not want to come out of therapy blaming their parents for everything. After all, their parents did the best they could at the time, especially with what they were given—so leave them out of it.

A therapist once told me that if you end therapy still angry at your parents, then you haven’t gone far enough.

Some people come to therapy with a lot of apparent, upfront anger toward mom and/or dad. Others are wary of saying anything negative about the people who raised them. Rarely does either of these versions of parents represent a full understanding of who they were or who they have become.

Seeing Your Parents as If You Are Still a Child

A major task in treatment is to understand who your parents were to you through how you saw them as a child. I know, you’re not still a child, but often we didn’t get to express those full-throttle feelings when we were kids. Luckily, we get to do so now—and it can be extraordinarily helpful to us as adults.

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As a child, perhaps you didn’t fully understand that a parent didn’t attend any of your baseball games because they had to work overtime in order to provide for you; you just experienced hurt and anger that they weren’t there. Your parent had a valid reason not to be there, but that doesn’t mean your feeling wasn’t also valid. As an adult (who may be missing your own child’s games because you have to work), there may be guilt on top of the anger and hurt you felt. Perhaps you’re ashamed you were ever upset. Seeing the situation through an adult lens, you think: “They were doing something for me, so how dare I be angry?”

Therapy says to let yourself be angry. Feel the anger. Feel it deeply. This way, you don’t squelch it and have it come out somewhere else, perhaps in passive-aggressive remarks to your own children; over-emphasizing every game, play, and recital your kids have; or avoiding conversations with your parents for fear you’ll “lose it” with them. Consequently, you don’t wind up judging yourself for having those reactions.

Attachment Style Without Logic

You also had an understanding of your parents pre-verbal memory. Did they come when you cried? Maybe they did most of the time, maybe they weren’t very quick about it, or maybe they never left you. You were an infant, so you didn’t know they were also taking care of a sibling, going to the bathroom, heating up your bottle, or just needing a rest. Attachment theory shows us that these early experiences, apart from the logical reasons behind them, matter a lot for us now.

Therapy says to let yourself be angry. Feel the anger. Feel it deeply.

I want to reiterate that the object is not to blame your parents. It’s not to be mad and stay mad.

We do damage to ourselves when we refuse to fully express and feel our feelings. That’s not a license to punch someone, break things, or intentionally hurt someone’s feelings. Therapy is tailor-made for the space to express your deepest self. It’s a safe space to face fears of abandonment, retaliation, or ungratefulness, any of which (and more) your therapist should be trained to be on the lookout for and provide an alternative to.

You may have felt any number of difficult feelings toward even the most loving, present, and available parent. Those feelings, your feelings, are valuable. And they’re not going to just go away.

So if it’s hate you felt, express it. So you can love even more deeply.

Depression can be a bear to deal with. Heaviness; bleak thoughts; and lack of energy, interest, or motivation can conspire to make you feel like you need to push a giant boulder up a hill just to find relief.

To foster self-compassion in the face of depression, education is key. Not only is it helpful to be aware of some of the possible sources of your depression, knowing how to alleviate symptoms can help you better manage it. My intention is to offer some hope by suggesting that the boulder before you might not be as heavy as you think, nor the hill quite as high.

The following list of depression sources and possible antidotes is simply a starting point. If you experience depression, may this list inspire you to think constructively and curiously about your suffering.

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Source: Disowned Anger

For some people, anger is a dangerous emotion based on unconscious beliefs or experience of harmful expressions of anger passed down in the family of origin. Anger is an important emotion, however. It often signals that someone is doing you harm. If you push down your anger, it can turn inward (the harsh inner critic) and cause a depressive response.

Antidote: If you sense a fearful or adverse relationship to anger, begin to bring more attention to it. Examine how anger was expressed in your family. How do you react to anger? Engage with it. You may notice a lessening of your symptoms with this inquiry.

Source: Being Cut Off from Emotions

If you are disconnected from your feelings for any reason, you are cut off from a major part of who you are. This is inherently deadening. Feelings make you human and alive. For people experiencing depression, feelings may feel foreign, unpredictable, scary, or pointless.

Antidote: Start a conversation about your feelings. What feelings are you in touch with? Which ones are you not? What hidden beliefs do you have about emotions? See what arises.

Source: Learned

Sometimes, depression is a learned way of being. If either of your parents experienced depression, especially major or chronic depression, you may have adopted depression as a way to feel connected with them, leading to an unconscious impression that this is how you need to be in the world.

Antidote: If either of your parents experienced depression, reflect on how that impressed on you. Do you believe depression is an essential part of being human? Are you afraid to NOT be depressed because you might feel less connected to a parent? It’s rarely that simple, of course, but there could be an element of this at play.

Source: Chemical

In some cases, depression is primarily an inexplicably chemical issue. There may be an emotional component if you traced the depression back in your family lineage, but sometimes the emotional component can change the brain chemically in ways that are then passed down between the generations, even as the emotional component or cause recedes.

Antidote: If your depression is debilitating, it is a good idea to consult with a psychiatrist. Medication, particularly when paired with psychotherapy, can sometimes lift the veil of depression enough to do the emotional work that can shift the tides.

Source: Misalignment of the Self

It can be depressing to be living a life that isn’t true to your heart and soul, especially if you don’t have a solid sense of who you are, what you need, and what brings you satisfaction and joy. If you grew up in an environment where you didn’t receive proper emotional holding and reflection, you may need help getting in touch with your true self. If you are misaligned or feel a lack of meaning in your life, it might link directly to your depression.

Antidote: Finding a good therapist who can help you explore the holes and emptiness may allow you to grieve past experiences, perhaps going back to childhood, and begin to discover who you really are. This is deep, important, and enlivening work.

Depression may be your psyche’s solution to difficulty regulating an aroused nervous system.

Source: Difficulty Self-Regulating

Depression may be your psyche’s solution to difficulty regulating an aroused nervous system. Perhaps due to trauma or an absent parent (anxious or insecure attachments), you may not have learned to regulate (calm) yourself properly.

Antidote: Do you get easily agitated or overwhelmed? Try a meditation practice and inquire about your ability to regulate. Is it hard to calm yourself? If so, working with a trained therapist can help.

Source: Existential Angst

It can be difficult being human. Having an awareness of all the suffering in the world is hard, as is the fact we all must face death. If you tend to focus on these existential issues and sobering realities, depression can result.

Antidote: Speak to a therapist about your concerns. It may be that your mind kicks up these things as a way to avoid your vulnerabilities. Explore the ways you might use existential fears unconsciously to manage other discomforts.

Source: Pervasive Anxiety

Depression can be a way for your psyche to manage deep anxieties. It may be that you are more anxious than you realize.

Antidote: Explore your thought patterns with a qualified therapist. Consider whether depression is operating as a buffer against more disturbing, anxious feelings.

Turn toward your depression. Getting to know its somatic qualities will help you unlock the doors that lead to self-compassion and healing. If you can find the resolve and commitment, you can find relief.