Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is generally described as a skills-based treatment, a type of cognitive behavioral therapy, and an intensive team-based approach to help people who have severe difficulties with emotion regulation. It has helped many people to manage their emotions, have better relationships, and create fulfilling lives.

When you look a bit deeper, though, at what the DBT skills actually do, they can be seen as opening the mind to curiosity and empathy. This empathic curiosity is the key to better relationships and increased positive emotional experiences. Curiosity—wanting to know—is paired with, and supports, the capacity to imagine the emotional experiences of other people.

So often—and this is reinforced by our social context—we make assumptions rather than being curious. In conversations with others, we think ahead to what we are going to say next, or we make interpretations about the meaning of what the other person is saying.

What if, rather than interpreting or analyzing another person’s words or actions, we were to remain curious about the many possibilities for what the person may be thinking or feeling?

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As children, we were naturally curious. We were constantly asking, “Why?”

Over time, many people lose that natural curiosity because it is often not reinforced by the environment. We are taught to be obedient, to not question, to do what we are “supposed” to do and leave it at that.

From a dialectical behavior therapy perspective, this stifling of curiosity is a part of an invalidating environment. We all experience invalidation in various ways, but people with difficulty managing intense emotions often come from social environments they have experienced as especially invalidating. If curiosity is ignored, judged, or criticized, you learn to stop expressing curiosity because it is not reinforced.

Why be curious? To start with, curiosity makes it possible for us to empathize with others. We wonder how another person may be feeling, what he or she may be thinking, and how he or she may be experiencing us. This allows us to tailor our responses based on this relational context.

Why be curious? To start with, curiosity makes it possible for us to empathize with others. We wonder how another person may be feeling, what he or she may be thinking, and how he or she may be experiencing us. This allows us to tailor our responses based on this relational context. Others experience us as empathic, and this leads to better-functioning relationships.

DBT’s mindfulness skills support this curiosity. It starts with observing—not judging, not evaluating, but simply using our five senses to take in the present moment. Then we put words to our experience by describing what we have observed. Mindfulness requires participating in the moment—just throwing yourself in—and letting go of whatever judgmental thoughts or distractions come up.

In a relational context, mindfulness takes an even deeper form. So often in our interactions with others, we become so lost in intense emotional reactions that we forget the importance of this person and the relationship in our lives. We may be focused on being right, even if that does not get us the outcome we are looking for. The mindfulness skills in DBT teach us to focus on being effective—on doing what works.

When communicating with another person, relationship mindfulness requires being present, holding in mind an imagination of the other person’s experience, and focusing on effectiveness (both short- and long-term). It requires a willingness to do what is needed, even if it’s uncomfortable or difficult. Most of all, relationship mindfulness requires not forgetting the authentic, valid experience of the other person as well as of yourself. Even if the other person has said or done something you do not like, his or her experiences, needs, and desires are valid. Even if your own emotional responses are difficult to tolerate, they are valid.

Empathic curiosity requires a conscious decision—to turn yourself toward the present moment and to open your mind to want to know that which is not always obvious or clear. Such a decision can change your relationships and your life.

Most Americans believe that watching porn is morally wrong (Green, 2014). According to data from the Public Religion Research Institute, only 23% of American women approve of pornography use, as do 35% of men. Despite this seemingly widespread disapproval and the forces of stigma and shame, 40 million people in the United States—about one in eight—are regular porn consumers (Willingham, 2013).

Although the genders of porn viewers are variant, insecurity, jealousy, or resentment about a partner’s pornography use is not uncommon, a reality not lost on media that cover the sensitive topic. An article in XO Jane (Marin, 2014) compares the jealousy that some heterosexual women feel about porn to the jealousy some straight men feel about women’s usage of vibrators. But if the old-fashioned term for sex toys is “marital aids”—and it is—why shouldn’t pornography fall under that umbrella?

I am writing this piece to gently challenge notions that pornography is inherently damaging to users, performers, and real-world sex partners. I believe that, when consumed responsibly, legally, ethically, and in moderation (we’ll get to that part) by consenting adults, not only is there nothing wrong with pornography use, but it can produce positive effects on a marriage or other romantic or sexual relationship. Benefits may include low-risk sexual pleasure, healthy communication about sexual interests, and indulgence in fantasies independent from those shared with a partner.

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Hear me out here.

• Pornography is a relatively low-risk outlet for viewers. The threat of computer viruses notwithstanding, porn consumption is a relatively low-risk sexual behavior. Most of the potential real-world consequences of having sex—such as sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy—aren’t relevant for the porn viewer. For millions of Americans, this may be extremely liberating. You aren’t putting your body (or your partner’s) at risk, and you don’t have to get tested or use protection, as may be the case with the introduction of a new partner. Many people harbor fantasies that they may have no inclination to act on, and porn can provide a safe way to explore such fantasies. It’s important to note that many porn users are more aroused by stories and words than by visual imagery. The massive popularity of the Fifty Shades trilogy has brought to light the utility of literary erotica for indulging in fantasies without necessarily enacting them. Compared to having real-world sex, viewing porn or reading erotica is much, much safer.
• Pornography can facilitate sexual communication and connection. Exchanging photos or videos can be an exciting way to share fantasies with another person with whom you’re intimate. Watching pornographic scenes together or reading erotic stories aloud can greatly heighten sexual tension. If your partnership is open to this sort of exchange, there are even online tools for finding out what fantasies you and your partner share without awkwardness, embarrassment, disappointment, or the fear of grossing someone out.
• Pornography allows for indulgence of interests not shared by a partner. In human partnerships, even when everything else is compatible, even when communication is great, sexual interests rarely come together 100%. Having different fantasies and sex drives is absolutely normal, and while this might be a common source of conflict, it does not necessarily signal impending doom for you and your partner. Porn use can be one way to minimize this gap without going outside the partnership in a direct, interpersonal way. (A note of caution: It’s important to know and consider how your partner feels about porn use independent of one another. Secrets hold potential for damaging relationships. Ideally, there is agreement between both partners as to what’s OK and what’s not with regard to porn consumption when not in each other’s company.)

If you find yourself using porn as a way of distracting yourself, or if you are disengaged from other activities and relationships as a result of porn use, this may be a sign that you should seek help.

The Ethics of Porn

Now that we’ve covered some of the potential benefits of porn, let’s address some of the anti-pornography crowd’s concerns and criticisms. They’re not completely off-base, after all.

• Pornography can be addictive. As with anything else, when you view pornography compulsively, you may not be mindful about the content with which you are engaging. You may be trying to escape uncomfortable emotions or satisfy a physiological urge as quickly as possible. Over time, this can become a problematic pattern. If you find yourself using porn as a way of distracting yourself, or if you are disengaged from other activities and relationships as a result of porn use, this may be a sign that you should seek help. Many therapists specialize in resolving pornography addictions and other compulsions. Mindfulness exercises can help address this type of behavior, as can setting and enforcing time limits on your porn consumption.
• Pornography can be dehumanizing. The dehumanizing effects of pornography go hand-in-hand with its addictive properties. When consuming a lot of visual information, a person can go into sensory overload, which may have a numbing effect. Also, with porn use, there is a distance from the mechanics, bodies, and emotions that are present during real-world sex, which may make it easier to consume large amounts. We should never forget, too, that video-based and photographic pornography depicts real humans engaging in real sex acts. Some performers, though compensated, may have experienced abuse or have addictions or mental health issues that compelled them to participate. For other models, their bodies are commodified coercively and the results of their labor are exchanged through unethical means, sometimes without compensation. Some porn producers cater to illegal markets and interests or do not adhere to accepted safety standards for performers, some of whom consequently contract serious sexually transmitted diseases. Exploitation in porn is a legitimate concern and an absolutely valid reason to be wary of it. (See referrals below for some resources regarding ethical porn.)
• Pornography can develop and perpetuate unrealistic ideas about sex. The pornography industry reaps $4.9 billion worldwide every year (Willingham, 2013). Encased within this figure are the editing of videos, the shaving and bleaching of bodies, and tools for depicting fantasies that might not be easy or ethical to fulfill in real-world relationships. Pornography is about fantasy and does not usually reflect reality. And because of its ease of access, content often falls into the hands of those who don’t have sexual experience or accurate information about sexual health and relationships. Many people are first exposed to pornographic material before they become sexually active, sometimes as early as late childhood and early adolescence. Given that this is a time when young bodies are developing and when youth are learning how to relate to others, porn can produce insecurity and unrealistic expectations regarding sex. (The same ethical concerns about early exposure exist for erotic storytelling, but unlike visual pornography, the only people involved in the manufacturing of erotic literary content are the authors themselves.) When pornography access isn’t combined with real-world knowledge and experience—or with reputable forms of sex education—unhealthy, sexist, and even abusive attitudes may be perpetuated.

Clearly, porn detractors have plenty to point to. But when used ethically, in moderation, and with emotional intelligence by consenting adults, it’s my belief that pornography use can be a healthy pastime and even, under some circumstances, serve to enhance intimate relationships. I hope that this piece can be part of a bigger conversation, inspiring interesting and respectful discussion between curious persons and contributing to healthier attitudes about human sexuality at large.

“Fair-Trade Porn” Articles and Resources:

1. The Feminist Porn Awards. http://www.feministpornawards.com/
2. Fixell, E. (2015). 4 ways you can find ‘ethical porn’. The Daily Dot. Retrieved from http://www.dailydot.com/lifestyle/how-to-find-ethical-porn/
3. Williams, Z. (2014). Is there such a thing as ethical porn? The Guardian. Retrieved from http://www.theguardian.com/culture/2014/nov/01/ethical-porn-fair-trade-sex

References:

1. Green, E. (2014). Most people think watching porn is morally wrong. The Atlantic. Retrieved from http://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2014/03/most-people-think-watching-porn-is-morally-wrong/284240/
2. Janssen, E. (n.d.). Why people use porn. Frontline. Retrieved from http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/porn/special/why.html
3. Marin, V. (2014). ASK A SEX THERAPIST: How to talk to your husband or boyfriend about his porn and masturbation habits. Retrieved from http://www.xojane.com/sex/how-to-talk-to-your-man-about-his-porn-and-masturbation-habits
4. Willingham, T. (2013). The stats on internet pornography. Daily Infographic. Retrieved from http://www.dailyinfographic.com/the-stats-on-internet-pornography-infographic

The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) is a personality type classification questionnaire based on Carl Jung’s theory of psychological types. For the past several decades, it has been the most frequently referenced resource on the subject of personality.

I have used a short-form version of the MBTI with most people I’ve worked with in the therapy room since 2000, including more than 500 couples. Many of those couples were seeking answers to a common question: “Are our personality types compatible?”

Before we delve into whether the MBTI is a predictor of compatibility, though, it is important to understand what it is designed to measure.

In the early 1900s, Jung, a Swiss psychiatrist, concluded that natural differences in psychological types exist. He believed these differences were present at birth, identifiable at an early age, and did not change much across time. Jung further believed that an individual’s type orientation is determined by the degree to which he or she is, naturally and normally:

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• More Extroverted or Introverted
• More Sensing (literal) or iNtuitive (possibilities oriented)
• More Thinking-oriented or Feeling-oriented when drawing conclusions and experiencing emotions
• More Judging (structured) or Perceiving (open-ended)

The MBTI was designed to help identify an individual’s natural response orientation on each of these four dichotomies. It also identifies characteristics and traits known to be common for each of the sixteen types that can be derived from different combinations of response orientations on these dichotomies.

The MBTI assigns a letter, highlighted in bold above, for the response orientation at opposite poles of each dichotomy. (N is used for iNtuition because I was used for Introversion.) A four-letter code is then used to identify each of the sixteen possible psychological (personality) types. For example, because I score toward the Introversion, iNtuition, Feeling, and Perceiving poles, the four-letter code that applies to my personality type is INFP.

The more pronounced your response process is toward one pole on a dichotomy, the more likely traits and characteristics associated with that pole will fit for you. However, many people find that some do not fit at all. For this reason, while the MBTI may provide insight into the nature of one’s personality, it cannot be described as unfailingly accurate.

The terms used for the dichotomy opposites on the MBTI have specific meanings that are sometimes misunderstood. For example, extroverts may view introverts as quiet, shy, withdrawn, possibly depressed or antisocial, withholding, self-centered, or uninvolved. Introverts may view extroverts as talkative, sociable, friendly, noisy, needy, intrusive, or either unable or unwilling to listen. Such assumptions are often inaccurate, of course.

Extroverts tend to be more energized when interacting with others, while introverts draw energy from more introspective, reflective processes. Each type has its strengths.

Let’s take a closer look at the other three dichotomies.

Sensing-oriented people naturally process information based on what is literally happening within the context of past experience, while intuition-oriented people naturally process information from a possible meanings plane—from consideration of alternative possibilities for what is literally happening.

Thinking-oriented people have feelings, and feeling-oriented folks can think. It’s just that thinking-oriented people naturally assess what is happening from a logical assessment of cause and effect, expressing their conclusions in an objective manner. Feeling-oriented people naturally add an additional consideration for how others might feel in making decisions and expressing them.

Individuals with a judging orientation naturally plan future events in advance, while perceiving-oriented people naturally respond more as events play out.

Implications for Relationships

The stronger an individual’s natural response orientation toward one pole of a dichotomy, the greater the likelihood he or she will have difficulty experientially comprehending the natural response process of someone who responds from that dichotomy’s opposite pole. This has particular relevance when addressing the issue of relationship compatibility.

Understanding the nature of personality differences, and acceptance of those differences, is key to lasting harmony.

Contemporary models for understanding individual differences in human behavior are built on an assumption of choice—a belief that human beings can alter their response patterns if they want to. Consequently, when a couple is dealing with a difference of opinion in an area where natural differences are at play, each may believe the other could understand his or her perspective if he or she really wanted to, when that may not be so. The assumption of choice in comprehension can lead to debilitating and perhaps relationship-threatening debates over who is right and who is wrong.

MBTI-based information has been instrumental in my work in helping couples and families resolve their differences. This experience has provided a solid base of empirical evidence to support Jung’s belief that differences are natural and normal and not subject to an option to alter. Understanding the nature of personality differences, and acceptance of those differences, is key to lasting harmony.

With regard to MBTI type orientations and their implications for relationships, I have observed the following:

• Most people I have worked with in therapy have found the general information on traits and characteristics associated with their own type, as well as for the types of significant others, to be accurate.
• This information has consistently facilitated greater self-understanding and self-acceptance, as well as understanding and acceptance of the nature of significant others.
• When the primary issue for a couple was a breakdown in communication, information and education on natural differences was much more helpful in brokering a mutually satisfactory resolution than any conflict resolution model I’ve been trained to use.
• While some pairings of personality types have proved more problematic than others and required more time to resolve, I have yet to work with a couple whose combination of types was inherently incompatible. The degree to which one partner accepted personality differences, however, did factor into outcomes.

In cases where couples were unable to resolve differences, at least one of the following factors has usually been present:

• One half of the couple had already mentally and emotionally disconnected from the relationship. His or her reasons for attending counseling varied, but relationship recovery was not one of them.
• The build-up of resentment was such that understanding the role that natural differences played was not sufficient to facilitate healing.
• The couple, without intention or awareness, repeated relationship-defeating dynamics carried over from before the relationship existed, patterns of responding that an understanding of natural differences was unable to alter.
• With some couples, one or the other partner was not able to comprehend and/or accommodate natural differences in his or her partner’s nature.
• Infidelity. For some couples, the occurrence was situational and nonrecurring, while for others it was chronic. Some in each category stayed together, while others did not.

A Note of Caution

While the characteristics and traits associated with individual differences in MBTI-based types tend to be accurate, the MBTI is broad in nature, addressing response dynamics known to be common among individuals with each type profile. A comprehensive understanding of oneself, separate from others, is far too complex to be captured by a measure with such a design.

Can relationships between people who share very different faiths work? Absolutely—but only if they also share a profound respect for one another and their respective beliefs. Does your girlfriend expect her partner (and perhaps future husband) to have an active shared religious life with her? If so, and if you are certain that this path is not for you, that is a conversation better to be had sooner rather than later.

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If you are open to sharing her experiences, that’s another story. It is also possible to share experiences without necessarily sharing the same beliefs. There are many people who accompany their partners to services that may not reflect their own personal spirituality or beliefs. As long as the expectations you have of one another are clear and accepted by both of you, faith differences do not have to be a deal-breaker.

As long as the expectations you have of one another are clear and accepted by both of you, faith differences do not have to be a deal-breaker.

What is most important is that the two of you have some open and honest conversations about your personal beliefs and the vision you each have for your future. Right now it’s just the two of you negotiating your relationship, but what might happen if you were to eventually start a family together? I imagine she might want her children to share in her faith and her experiences. Is that something you can see yourself accepting and supporting?

There are many families that make it work despite mixing very different religious views. Only the two of you can decide if that path will work for you. These are important conversations to have now and not months or years down the line. If you need help having these conversations, you may want to consult a couples counselor who has experience in issues related to faith-based differences.

Best of luck!
Erika

A 28-year-old woman sits across the room from me. Recently diagnosed with bipolar, she is slowly but surely accepting her diagnosis. With a perplexed look, she asks, “But what, exactly, am I supposed to tell guys when we go out? And when should I tell them? And do I even need to tell them at all?”

If you have a chronic illness and are in the dating world, these questions may sound familiar. Whether you have an “invisible” condition (think arthritis, HIV, diabetes) or a chronic mental health diagnosis (think bipolar, obsessive compulsion, major depression), it can be difficult to know when or how to disclose sensitive information about yourself to romantic prospects.

The realm of online dating has brought about fast and efficient ways to meet new people. Online dating can take away some anxiety and stress when meeting others, and it can open up a world of possibility. Online profiles generally allow users to disclose as much or as little as they want. Similarly, users can often make checklists of must-haves and deal-breakers. So you may put it out there that you don’t want to date someone who smokes, but do you want to tell the dating world about your battle with fibromyalgia?

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People who have been rejected by friends and family because of their diagnosis may feel even more anxiety when it comes to sharing it with a date or potential date. It’s a quandary, no doubt! So how do you decide when to tell a prospect about your diagnosis?

Perhaps these guidelines can help you navigate the world of dating with a chronic illness:

1. Inform yourself about your condition and find acceptance. First and foremost, educate yourself about your diagnosis and empower yourself in your treatment. Once you have accepted your condition (at least on most days!), your confidence and self-love will shine through to others. If you need help with this step, find a therapist who can help you move through the stages of grief when it comes to chronic illness.
2. Know what you want and what you need in a partner. You are not looking for a caregiver here. You want a partner who will physically help you when needed, one who will be supportive and understanding, and one who is empathetic to your condition. Don’t settle for someone who can “put up with” you. Look for someone who will accept and love you for who you are. Remember the 80/20 rule of relationships: you get 80% of what you really want. Maybe your new date doesn’t like hiking or going to the movies, but the 80% of things you do have in common is really great.
3. Share your information thoughtfully. In other words, don’t dump out your purse or pockets on your first date. Think about the important facts of your diagnosis and be able to share them in a succinct way. If your new date has questions, answer them accordingly. If not, that’s OK, too—some people need time to process or may not, in fact, have any questions. Allow the other person time to digest the information, and be open to answering questions if he or she wants to talk more about it later.

In my experience, the vast majority of people who follow these guidelines when disclosing their chronic illness are welcomed with open arms. It’s a rare occasion when a new person is turned off by this kind of disclosure, but if it happens, then he or she simply isn’t the right person for you.

Think you want to share your chronic illness with others on dating websites? There are dating sites, such as PositiveSingles.com, NoLongerLonely.com, and Prescription4Love.com, that cater to people with chronic medical and mental health conditions. The idea behind these sites is that you will be in good company and can more openly talk about your experiences with others who understand.

Thank you for your very honest question. This is, obviously, a sensitive topic. But you might take heart in the fact it is not all that uncommon an issue among couples.

In this case, it sounds like you have great respect for your wife but something is getting in the way of your enjoying physical intimacy. It also sounds like you struggle with the “double whammy” of feeling bad about your feelings about sex. In other words, you have a difficulty and then bad feelings about the difficulty. Try to give yourself a break with the latter, at least. It doesn’t sound as though you are intending to be unkind or selfish. It does sound as though there is some unconscious obstacle to enjoying closeness with your wife, whom you obviously love very much.

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You say she isn’t your “type” physically but also mention that with regard to sexual preferences, what she likes differs from what you like. The specifics don’t matter for our purposes here. What matters is that whatever she’s into isn’t your cup of tea. Again, this frequently happens with married couples, who discover a difference in sexual preferences or desires (or level of intensity, etc.) and then feel stuck in how to reconcile these differences, which may have very different meanings to each partner. What is edgy or exciting to one may be frightening or alienating to the other, and so on.

The first question that crossed my mind has to do with the timing of discovering that she isn’t your type, even though you obviously love her and want to be with her. Were you aware of this before marriage? Let’s say for the sake of argument you were. This to me could mean that (1) there are other qualities about her that drew you to her and made up what is lacking sexually, and/or (2) the sexual attractiveness factor was separated or minimized in your decision to marry.

I’d be curious about the underlying motivations here. The overall tone of your question suggests that perhaps your biggest struggle is with (I’m guessing) guilt or shame you feel about disappointing her sexually, rather than your own shortage of satisfaction. She seems to initiate sex, is how I interpret this, whereas you’d be happy just letting it go.

If I were your therapist, I’d be curious to empathically explore whether sexual compatibility was an issue before marriage, and what your motivations were to look for other factors in moving forward with marriage. I’d be even more curious to understand what sex means to you today.

Is it possible that, as with many young men, sex was too important in earlier relationships, so that you consciously decided to put sexual attractiveness or compatibility on the backburner with this relationship? That too much emphasis on sex (or something else about you) might turn her off? Do you compensate in the marriage with use of pornography or other self-satisfying methods? (If so, what would happen if you took a break? Would sex with your wife become more viable or enticing?) Did or do you struggle with sexual insecurities, as many people do (but are reluctant to talk about), which makes sexuality difficult or anxiety-provoking, even emotionally dangerous?

If I were your therapist, I’d be curious to empathically explore whether sexual compatibility was an issue before marriage, and what your motivations were to look for other factors in moving forward with marriage. I’d be even more curious to understand what sex means to you today. Was there guilt, possibly, over making sex a priority earlier on, or guilt or shame now about sexual enjoyment? Sometimes men are so intent on being respectful to women that they make their own desires and wants much less important, for fear of being a “pig” (which usually means they aren’t one). They may be ashamed of their sexual interests. Or they have developed a habit with porn (this may not apply to you) that they are ashamed of. Again, you are the one faking orgasm—so that, I surmise, your wife will not be disappointed or unhappy.

I wonder, in other words, about your sexual pleasure and happiness, which from what I gather is not as important as the other factors that make you crazy about your gal. If so, why? Perhaps your pleasure would also make her happy. Does she understand that her preferences, the things she likes to do in bed that you don’t, just are not doing it for you? It might be helpful to examine what it is you don’t like about these preferences. Is it that she is initiating them? Is there something emotionally or symbolically uncomfortable about it? Is sex too emotionally risky because one gets “naked” in a variety of ways (not just literally)? One simplistic example: A man with an overly controlling mother might be fearful of allowing a woman to lead the sexual dance too often, or forcefully, even if to her it doesn’t seem all that frequent or forceful; these are the types of differences that have to be gently and sensitively co-examined and mutually understood.

Each of us makes specific meanings of sex; for some, it may be a chance to express feelings and passions that can’t be said verbally, outside the bedroom. Some like darker or rougher sex, a way of expressing parts of themselves they feel can’t be “let out” otherwise (for various reasons). Some assertive people like to be more submissive (or remain assertive) in bed, and vice versa. Our choices come in so many different shapes and colors, choices that can mean very different things to a partner. What is enticing to some may be threatening to others, which can lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings if not looked at in an empathic way.

To my mind, the most important thing is finding a way to communicate some of this—after your own self-examination and reflection, probably—with your wife, to avoid build-up of resentment, anxiety, or other emotional distancing. I might also take a look to see if there are other habits or methods of self-care that create distance between you and her. You might even want to seek out a couples counselor to help with this; even a few sessions can be helpful in assisting the communication and compromises necessary in this area, as with so many others.

It sounds like you care about your wife very much, which I found touching. I can only imagine she will be equally touched by your sincere effort to maintain or even build upon your connection with her, as she obviously means a great deal to you. And just because we have a problem doesn’t mean we are a problem.

Thanks for writing in.

Sincerely,
Darren

Remember when you were first dating your partner and the sex was hot, heavy, and frequent? As time passed and you and your partner slowly built a life together, the initial passion might have lost some of its luster or faded altogether.

As with heterosexual couples, LGBT couples often find the responsibilities of life take over as work stress, family issues, finances, and life events begin to distract from sexual connection. In fact, it’s a subject that’s quite challenging for many gay couples to talk about.

As a therapist who works with lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender couples, I assist with better communication and connection. Early in the conversation, couples typically talk about a variety of issues that are affecting their relationships, some easier to broach than others.

The topic of sex is a particularly tough one for many to bring up, let alone address.

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Although some couples find contentment and intimacy within sexless partnerships, an active, satisfying sex life can be an important part of human connection and self-care. Is it possible to reconnect to your partner and bring passion back into the bedroom? Absolutely. It just takes a little focus, energy, and of course desire.

Here are three tips you can use to begin the process of reconnecting to your partner sexually:

1. Start Simple

Often, couples hoping to rekindle a spark want to rush right back into sex and one or both partners end up feeling overwhelmed. So instead of trying anything, they do nothing and the frustration grows.

Building anticipation, excitement, and romantic feelings can help. Perhaps take a moment to put on some music and slow dance together, giving your bodies a chance to reintroduce themselves to each other. A little massage time is great for setting a comfortable pace for touch.

These types of activities help to create a safe bridge of connection and allow space for intimacy to develop. Once that reconnection occurs, you might find that your primal urges take over and your bodies naturally pursue the best routes to sexual release.

2. Think Creatively

Even in the most satisfying relationships, sex can become stagnant or routine at times. It’s nothing a little creative thinking can’t fix.

Is it possible to reconnect to your partner and bring passion back into the bedroom? Absolutely. It just takes a little focus, energy, and of course desire.

Consider developing a collection of sexual activities with your partner that either of you can draw upon to liven things up. This exercise can build up your sexual vocabulary and serve as foreplay in its own right.

Have each partner separately write down sexual activities he or she would like to bring into the relationship, with each idea going on its own piece of paper. Then go through the ideas together, with no judgment, and decide which ones you both would feel comfortable trying out.

Put all the slips of paper featuring ideas that you both are willing to experiment with into a hat, box, or other container. Whenever either of you wants to initiate sex, you can draw a piece of paper that represents your activity for the night. It can be fun and playful, and it may relieve the pressure of having to figure out the right activity for the moment.

3. Rediscover Life

One of the major reasons couples get bored in the bedroom is that they are bored in life generally. Look at the routines and traps you may have fallen into and notice how they have influenced your connection with your partner. Is Friday night always Mexican food night? Do you always watch the same television shows? Do you attend only events that you are comfortable attending, where you know what’s going to happen?

Although it’s lovely to be with someone you can create rituals with and let down your guard, if these rituals become cemented and inflexible, they can bring a malaise into the relationship that affects your sex life.

So look in your local paper or on social media for events in your community, check the LGBT guides, or see friends you have not seen in a while. Rekindling your passion for life can, in turn, ignite your passion for each other.

Applying the three tips above will help you create a blueprint to reconnect with your partner and reinvigorate your sex life. Satisfying sex with the same partner can be one of the delights of a long-term relationship, but sometimes you need to bring a little awareness into the room to keep the fire going.

The ability to discern what we like or dislike is an important part of being an individual. It is enriching to have choices about what to eat, what we like to wear, how to decorate our space, or what our favorite movie is. Many of our choices become part of how we define ourselves.

Some of our self-definitions go deeper and concern whether we prefer to be open about our emotions. If we came from a family in which emotions were not talked about, we will most likely be less inclined to talk about emotions. Another person may have grown up in a family in which emotions were expressed openly and honestly. If two people from such different families establish a romantic relationship, problems may arise.

While it’s important for all of us to have choices as individuals, it’s equally important for partners to be tolerant of each other’s differences. This is especially true during the early years of a partnership, when partners typically work together to define how they want their own family to be. The early years of a relationship are often about building a new family that is different from either partner’s family of origin.

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If one partner becomes judgmental and critical of the other partner’s way of being, problems generally ensue. Judgment often leads a person to become contemptuous of the other person, and contempt is hard to conceal. We all have micro-expressions that cross our faces so quickly we may not even know we have expressed the feelings associated with them. One’s partner might see those micro-expressions and feel deeply hurt by them.

It is only by working on our own way of thinking that this destructive cycle can be prevented.

Understanding a person takes a lot more intellectual and emotional work than judgment does. True understanding comes from active listening and appreciation of what the other person is trying to convey. True understanding comes from realizing that our own way of being is just that—our own way—and not everybody will want to be as we are.

The most important skill in any close relationship is the ability to understand and empathize. Empathy is the opposite of contempt, disgust, or other negative judgment. The way to empathy is through understanding, and judgment blocks understanding.

Understanding a person takes a lot more intellectual and emotional work than judgment does. True understanding comes from active listening and appreciation of what the other person is trying to convey. True understanding comes from realizing that our own way of being is just that—our own way—and not everybody will want to be as we are.

If you try to listen to, appreciate, and understand another person’s position but find you cannot, it may be that you need to recognize that your own way of thinking may be preventing you from relating well to that person. Your way of thinking and being is different from their way of thinking and being. Can you accept that? Can you accept that a person you believe you love or care about is different from you in some ways?

It is possible to love not only a person but their differences, too. In fact, true, deep, and lasting love involves a great deal of acceptance of another’s differences. Accepting a person’s differences helps you become a better-rounded, happier, more likable, more trustworthy, more mature individual.

Maturity is not something that happens to us as we get older. Maturity is something we gain through self-awareness, self-confrontation, and genuine efforts to grow and become kinder, more accepting, and at peace with other ways of being than your own.

If you need help on your journey of acceptance, consider seeking the guidance of a trained therapist.

Relationships can be challenging at times. There will always be periods when we get upset, when we feel that our needs and wants are not being met. Intimate relationships are particularly tricky territory emotionally, especially in regards to dealing with anger.

For some people, rage may boil up at a moment’s notice, while for others their fuse may take a little longer to ignite. Sometimes the situation dictates how quickly we become irritated. When our trust has been broken and we feel betrayed, we may become angrier much quicker than if we experienced, say, a minor altercation with a partner regarding finances.

Although it’s generally understood that we should take a little time to cool down before our anger gets out of control, many people struggle with developing an effective “time-out” procedure. The following are some strategies that can be implemented in order to manage your anger before it gets out of hand:

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1. Become aware of the warning signs of anger. Look for the physical cues in your body that indicate that you are becoming angry. Are your palms sweating? Are you pacing back and forth? Is your tension rising? Try to focus on tuning in to your body and your inner indicators of anger.
2. Figure out your red flags. In addition to physical signs, be on the lookout for issues that tend to trigger you and your emotional state when someone brings them up. For example, do you get angry with your partner every time he or she treats you with suspicion or blame?
3. Rate your anger. On a scale of one to 10, how angry are you in the given situation? Try to determine at what point you would need to take a time-out in order to cool off before being able to discuss the issue rationally.
4. Discuss the time-out strategy with your partner when you are both calm. In order to develop an effective strategy that both parties can agree on, it’s necessary to do so when both of you are in a peaceful state.
5. Determine the duration for the time-out. Everyone is different when it comes to managing anger. Some people tend to remain angry for longer periods of time than others; however, you can generally figure out approximately how long it usually takes for you to calm down. Many people are able to calm down sufficiently after about 30 minutes to an hour. Before you need to take a time-out, sit down with your partner and agree upon the length of time you want to implement for time-outs. If after this time you are still very angry, you can always extend the time-out.
6. Signal your intention of taking a time-out. When you start arguing with your partner and you feel that you may be on the verge of losing control, indicate that you need to take a time-out. Both partners need to respect the right of the other to take this time and allow sufficient space to do so without continuing to badger the person.
7. Decide what you will do during your time-out. The main purpose of the time-out is to give you an opportunity to calm down, so choose an activity that will help you do so. This could be listening to music, going for a walk, working out, or journaling, for example. Be sure to communicate your intentions to your partner when you establish a time-out plan, so that he or she doesn’t feel as though you’re leaving for an undetermined amount of time.
8. Identify any underlying feelings you may have. During your time-out, take some time to try to figure out any deeper feelings you may have underneath the anger. For example, do you feel sad? Anxious? Unsupported? Anger tends to hide other emotions that can be better dealt with when they are seen, acknowledged, and expressed.
9. Become aware of any negative self-talk. Our inner dialogues can make situations much worse than they actually are, especially when we are very negative. Try to challenge negative thinking when you notice it and change your thoughts to more positive ones. Also, try to look at the situation from your partner’s point of view in order to gain a different perspective.
10. Discuss the issue again after your time-out. We don’t want to ignore issues that have led to arguments, so after taking time to cool down, meet with your partner to talk about your feelings. Rather than blaming the other, share with him or her the underlying emotions that you became aware of and try to forgive one another and/or reach some sort of compromise.

Anger can lead to impulsive actions that can have extremely negative effects on our relationships. Learning to keep our anger under control and manage it more effectively is important for our emotional well-being. Following the steps above to create and implement an efficient time-out strategy can help to improve your relationships and avoid having your anger get the better of you or your partner.

If anger is a serious, ongoing problem in your relationship, you may want to consider meeting with a psychotherapist in order to obtain additional help. For those in physically abusive situations, professional help can be especially important in breaking the cycle of violence. Check online for the agencies and shelters available in your area to help couples struggling with issues of domestic violence.

You write that you have lied, stolen, and pawned jewelry from family, and used that money to buy alcohol. You were seemingly out of control, but you weren’t really—you made choices, choices that had devastating consequences. Instead of showing your wife your best self, you showed her your worst. The only thing you didn’t do is cheat on her, although you lied about that, too, and told her that in fact you had been adulterous. The appearance of cheating was the last straw for your wife and finally broke your marriage. Did you know that might happen? How did you want and expect her to react? Why did you say you did something you didn’t do?

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These are important questions that probably have complicated answers. A good therapist can help you unravel the mysteries of why you did what you did. That deeper exploration and understanding of yourself is key to keeping such behavior from happening again. In your letter, at least, you seem to be taking some ownership of your actions, and that’s a good first step toward healing. It’s far from the only step you’ll need to take toward preserving your marriage, however.

You have been together for 13 years and have two children, so there’s clearly a loving foundation somewhere underneath all the noise; you say you “really love” your wife and “want her back.” You have just begun seeing a counselor (good idea) and have started running (another good idea), but your wife says you should work on the marriage, not on yourself. She’s partly right and she’s partly wrong. Working on yourself is part of working on your marriage, but another part would be to earn back her trust, which—if it comes to pass—will take time and a lot of effort on your part.

In your letter, at least, you seem to be taking some ownership of your actions, and that’s a good first step toward healing. It’s far from the only step you’ll need to take toward preserving your marriage, however.

Part of that process is showing her your best self, and not just for a day or two at a time. I think seeing your pastor twice a week, seeing a psychiatrist, going to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, being in therapy, and taking medication to help with your anxiety are steps to revealing the good parts of who you are, both to yourself and to your wife. Don’t underestimate what you’re doing; you are moving in the right direction, no matter what direction your wife is going.

You write that you and your wife had “amazing sex” before she kicked you out again. Don’t overestimate what that means. Maybe that’s a sign that the fire between you two isn’t out, but it could also be a sign that you both missed the intimate connection you had, were in the right mood, and made the most of the moment. Good sex can be a part of a good marriage, but a good marriage is mostly about the less sexy moments between those moments.

You describe yourself, your mistakes, and your perceived faults, but you say little about your wife. I wonder what she is like. It takes two to make a good marriage, just as it takes two to fight and make a troubled relationship. I’m sorry that so far she has resisted going to counseling with you, and I hope that in the future she changes her mind. Marriage is a joint effort, and I hope you can convince her of that while continuing to work on yourself and work toward being more worthy of her trust. Seeing a marriage counselor together would help you both deal with the strong feelings of fear, anger, and resentment that are characterizing your relationship, particularly from her vantage point. Even if she won’t go, though, I hope you continue to do so, as therapy will help give you the tools to be a more responsible father, partner, and person.

I wish you both the best for your future.

Kind regards,
Lynn

You have put your finger on one of the biggest challenges in blended families—the role of stepparents in discipline. There is no single right answer for this question; every family and family situation is unique. You are also a newly blended family and will experience growing pains as you all, kids included, adjust to this major change.

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This may be hard to hear, but marrying your husband does not automatically make you “mom” to his kids. I hear your desire to parent, and I am sure you have so much love and guidance to offer them. If, however, you and your husband are not on the same page about your role, there is no way the kids will follow your lead. Your attempts to parent them without the support of your husband will only lead to confusion and tension and very likely resentment. You can still be a loving, responsible adult in their lives without having to be their parent.

You mention he doesn’t want the kids to have a negative view of you. Perhaps he is nervous that if you take on the role of disciplinarian, it will negatively impact their acceptance of you into the family or create conflict he isn’t ready to handle.

I often recommend to couples who are blending families that they discuss expectations and roles prior to making any major changes. It is not too late, however to have these conversations. I highly recommend that you and your husband enlist the help of a therapist who works with blended families to talk through your concerns. Your husband may have some specific reasons he wants you to stay out of the discipline realm.

You mention he doesn’t want the kids to have a negative view of you. Perhaps he is nervous that if you take on the role of disciplinarian, it will negatively impact their acceptance of you into the family or create conflict he isn’t ready to handle. One of the greatest challenges in blended families is a parent feeling like he or she has to choose between the new spouse and the kids. Your husband might be trying to avoid that dynamic by keeping your relationship with the kids strictly positive. You may or may not agree with those reasons, but talking about them is the first step, and a trained therapist can help nurture and guide that conversation.

It is important for your role in the family to be clear to everyone. You are entitled to respect as a member of the family. With four children approaching the tween and teen years, you can expect many challenges to authority—yours and your husband’s. It is critical that you act as a team with shared understanding and purpose. What that understanding is will depend very much on what works for all of you.

Best of luck!
Erika

Recent statistics show that the average couple experiencing difficulty waits six years to seek therapy, which may be too late for some couples, as 40 to 50% of marriages across the United States end in divorce. Some couples opt for marriage retreats in which a couple engages in intensive therapy over several days with the aim of reaching resolution and repair. Although they are often viewed as a “last chance” to save a marriage, marriage retreats are also attended by couples who are not facing conflict but simply wish to deepen the intimacy in their relationship.

On a retreat, couples can get away from their daily routines while attending therapy sessions that focus on their combined strengths and difficulties. The concept of the marriage retreat is depicted in a number of feature films that conflicted couples taking a break from their lives, either on a therapist-prescribed retreat or a more typical getaway, in an attempt to save their marriages. Unfortunately, media depictions of many of life’s challenges are often oversimplified, and marriage retreats and couples therapy are no exception.

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How Does Hollywood Get It Wrong?

In film, marriage retreats are typically presented as lighthearted fun, potentially misleading viewers about the true nature of a marriage retreat. In an article for ABC News, Debra Margrave, who runs Sedona Soul Adventures with her husband, says that the goal of their marriage retreat is bringing people together, and that the “crazy stuff” in Hollywood movies is more comedic than factual. Cinematic portrayals of both the couples and the retreat itself are often idealized, made humorous, and belie the amount of real work necessary in couples therapy. Though infidelity and intimacy issues affect the fictional characters, and they seem able to reach forgiveness or move past the problems, the underlying causes are rarely addressed, meaning any progress made is likely only a temporary reprieve.

In reality, marital issues can often lead to mental health concerns, such as stress, anxiety, or depression. Although the 2012 romantic comedy Hope Springs shows a couple with intimacy issues who, through therapy, is able to repair their relationship after several failed efforts, most films, such as For Richer or Poorer (1997) and Why Did I Get Married (2007), emphasize the outrageousness or comedic value of a couple’s difficulties instead of focusing on the more realistic aspects of marital conflict that a couple in counseling is likely to face.

Media depictions of many of life’s challenges are often oversimplified, and marriage retreats and couples therapy are no exception.

Communication issues affect many couples, and one of the goals of a retreat may be the exploration of better ways for a couple to reach one another. Because a marriage retreat places partners in a situation where they can focus solely on improving their relationship, couples may more easily work on developing better communication skills. In films, though, the couples featured often achieve insight by speaking to outsiders, or they spend time talking to friends about their partnerships and engaging in activities where the focus is not on building communication with partners.

When building and enhancing communication skills does not occur, any progress that a couple makes in their relationship is likely to be superficial rather than a lasting improvement. Take the films Why Did I Get Married and its sequel, Why Did I Get Married Too? (2010), for example. Both films feature four couples attempting to work on their marital issues during a self-designed week-long retreat. They spend much of their time arguing, but at the end of each film, three out of four couples have resolved their issues and made up. The reparation of these marriages, shown to be troubled from the beginning of each film, seems to have occurred more from spontaneous revelations and apologies rather than actual communication and resolution. Couples who admit wrongs and apologize can resolve some difficulties by doing so, but those who experience the same types of conflict repeatedly may benefit from some sort of marital counseling.

Trustworthy Therapy Tactics Important

Richard Simon, editor of The Psychotherapy Networker, says in a New York Times article that couples therapy is widely acknowledged as one of the most difficult types of therapy. Therapy on a retreat may be even more difficult, as therapists generally do not have a prior relationship with the couples. Instead, therapists must discover areas of conflict and assist the couples through individual or group therapy, or both, to rebuild a strong relationship in only a short period of time. Therefore, a good therapist may be the most important component of a successful marriage retreat, but therapists depicted on screen are often not shown as realistic or entirely ethical.

The lead therapist in Couples Retreat is not completely honest about the true purpose of the resort the four couples in the movie visit, for example, and he forces three of the couples to attend therapy when they did not originally wish to. The 2014 film The One I Love also features an unethical therapist who traps couples repeatedly in a bizarre situation in an attempt to force them to work out their issues. Although this movie has a science fiction element and would likely not be considered to be realistic by many viewers, the portrayal of an unethical therapist might still lead some to be reluctant to seek marriage counseling or venture on a marriage retreat.

Marriage Retreats Not Necessarily Glamorous, Expensive

Marriage retreats may be appealing in part because they offer a change of scenery, bringing a new perspective with a new environment, but couples who cannot afford a trip to a mountain cabin, the Sedona desert, or a tropical island—the setting for Couples Retreat—might just as easily discuss factors affecting their partnership in a motel conference room or some similarly simple setting. Granted, a conference room does not offer the allure of a tropical island, but without distracting activities such as swimming with sharks, as the characters in Couples Retreat do, couples are free to focus on a faltering partnership.

A number of films depict partners who do not go on a formal retreat, but rather, find themselves in an unlikely situation that allows them to work on and save their marriage. For example, Wanderlust, a 2012 film, tells the story of a couple who is able to repair their troubled marriage after a two-week stay at a free love commune. And in For Richer or Poorer, a couple successfully saves their marriage after a short time living a simpler life in Amish country. These couples repair their marriages simply by rediscovering feelings of love for their respective partners. While some real couples may be able to repair their marriages in such a manner, the reality of marriage counseling is that it often takes time and hard work, which may be difficult or painful for one or both partners.

Although a marriage retreat might be beneficial to couples of any socioeconomic status, the majority of couples seen attempting marriage retreats in the media are all relatively affluent. Because films that show positive resolutions of marital difficulties may inspire some to attend therapy in hopes of resolving their own difficulties, better representation of a wider range of society is needed. Research shows that low income is a factor in many divorces, so the portrayal of high-income couples in the media may be both limiting and unrealistic.

There is also a general lack of diversity in Hollywood’s depiction of marriage retreats. White characters are prominent (though Why Did I Get Married? and its sequel have a black cast), and there is a clear tendency toward heteronormative relationships. Although in recent years, the number of non-heterosexual couples in the media has increased, the couples featured in films showing marriage retreats are heterosexual, which might give an impression of ignoring the existence of a significant portion of the population. Non-heterosexual couples are likely to face the same issues that heterosexual couples do, and their absence in the media contributes to the unrealistic portrayal of marriage retreats. What’s more, there is little variety in body type shown, a recurring area of concern in Hollywood films.

Can A Marriage Retreat Save Your Marriage?

Hollywood films appear to give the message that marriages can be fixed in a weekend, but this is often not the case. Marriage retreats seen in the media may seem fun, more like a vacation than counseling, but the truth is that a couples retreat, like couples counseling, can be intense and tough. Couples may find themselves facing confessions of infidelity, fading feelings, and other harsh truths. They may be able to resolve issues by building communication skills or by exploring ways to rekindle physical and emotional intimacy. Drs. John and Julie Gottman of Orcas Island, Washington, state that couples will learn skills to “transform inevitable relationship conflicts into constructive problem solving and warmer understanding” on their two-day retreat. Some couples might achieve a different kind of clarity on the retreat and realize that their relationship may be best ended. No matter the case, retreats can be helpful to couples, both as a starting point to therapy and as a supplement to marital counseling.

Those considering a marriage retreat may wish to research the retreat itself, as well as the therapist conducting it. A marital counselor may also be able to recommend a retreat to an interested couple. The goals of any retreat and the services that are included, such as the amount of counseling hours provided as well as the type and length of sessions, should be clearly stated. Different types of retreats, with varying costs, are available to those who are interested: They might even be found close to one’s home. A trust-building exercise on jet-skis may seem like a fun activity, but it is not a realistic one for many couples. While a marriage retreat can still be enjoyable, it will often also be intense work that provides a basis for more work in the future.

References:

1. Gottman Private Couples Retreats. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.gottmancouplesretreats.com/default.aspx.
2. Hawkins, A., & Fackrell, T. (2009). How common is divorce and what are the reasons? In Should I Keep Trying to Work it Out? Salt Lake City, Utah.
3. Mayerowitz, S. (2009, October 9). Couples Retreat: Movie vs. Reality, Meet the Real Relationship Experts. Retrieved from http://abcnews.go.com/Travel/couples-retreat-movie-reality-meet-real-relationship-experts/story?id=8785604.
4. Miller, A. (2013). Can this marriage be saved? Monitor on Psychology, 44(4), 42-42.
5. Weil, E. (2012, March 2). Does Couples Therapy Work? Retrieved from http://www.nytimes.com/2012/03/04/fashion/couples-therapists-confront-the-stresses-of-their-field.html?_r=0.