The key to tasty pizza is for each part—the crust, the sauce, the cheese, and the toppings—to be unique and distinct, but to blend into a well-balanced and delicious whole. Live life as though you and your family were a delicious pizza. This is the goal of family systems theory, though it’s probably not quite how founder Murray Bowen would phrase it.

Bowen was likely too academic to associate his work with a pizza, but it really helps explain his concept of good relationships. He used the term self-differentiation and taught that families and other groups function best when we are connected and in good relationships with other people. But at the same time, we are able to form our own opinions, feel emotions that are different from those around us, and choose our own responses to situations rather than simply following expectations.

Simply put, this means that if you are the crust on the metaphoric pizza of your family, your role is to be a sturdy foundation for the rest of the pizza. Regardless of the specific ingredients, you hold the rest of the pie together. If you are spread unevenly or have a big hole in the center, this will make it hard for the sauce and cheese to stay on top and not stick to the pan.

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Here’s a real-life example of a family or workplace picnic that gives a variety of possible responses to one tricky situation. Each response results in a different balance between holding onto your own integrity and responding to the needs and expectations of others. Each possible response corresponds to a “relationship pizza quality score” rated from zero to five, with zero showing no self-differentiation and five indicating a high level of self-differentiation.

This scene takes place at either a picnic with extended family, a workplace outing, or a gathering of friends.

You arrive at the gathering and greet everyone. One particular family member or friend leads you toward the food table and piles a rich and savory dish onto a plate. They hand the plate to you and says, “You are going to love this!”

You look at the food and realize that you can’t eat it because you are on a new diet and this is not the kind of food you can eat right now.

Response One

You reluctantly take the plate and eat it without saying anything. You feel guilty and bad about yourself, but you don’t want to offend the other person.

Pizza Quality Score: 0

If you were the crust on this metaphoric pizza, you have holes in your dough. This represents a poorly differentiated response because you are letting go of your values and your needs and focusing only on the other person.

Response Two

You say, “No, thank you. It looks really good, but I’m on a new diet.” The other person responds by saying, “You are always on a diet. One taste won’t hurt you. I worked really hard cooking this.” This time you respond, “Oh, OK. Just one bite.”

Pizza Quality Score: 2

You start out with a response that defines yourself and sets your personal limits, but when the other person rejects that response and pressures you to eat, you let go of your own values and allow the other person to define you. If you were the sauce on this metaphoric pizza, you would be oozing off the edge of the crust.

Response Three

This time, when the other person complains about your diet and pressures you to eat a bite, you respond differently. You say, “No, I’m not going to eat that. That is just the way it is, so get over yourself.”

Pizza Quality Score: 3

Frequently, when one person changes their usual behavior, other people resist. Self-differentiation often takes hard work, but it can have life-changing benefits.You have taken a stand, but you are doing it by pushing the other person away and not showing any respect for their feelings.

Good self-differentiation involves both standing up for yourself and your values while simultaneously remaining connected to others. If you were the sauce on our metaphoric pizza, you have added a large amount of a spice that clashes with the cheese and the crust. The result is unappetizing, but edible. Let’s try again.

Response Four

The other person says the same thing, but you take a different approach. This time, you say, “I really appreciate all the work you put into that dish; it shows how much you care about me. I am sorry, though, I’m really not going to be able to eat any today. I need to stick to my diet.”

Pizza Quality Score: 4

You have held onto your values while also staying positive and appreciative of the other person.

Response Five

You can perfect your differentiated response by adding something to encourage a connection with the person in a way that doesn’t compromise your integrity. For example, after using something similar to response four, you could add: “How about if we take a walk together?” or, “I want to tell you a funny story about this new diet.”

Pizza Quality Score: 5

This response shows excellent self-differentiation because you are holding onto yourself and your values while fostering a relationship with the other person.

Finally, good self-differentiation does NOT depend on the other person’s response. Reaching out to foster connection is a self-differentiated move even if the other person responds by turning away. Frequently, when one person changes their usual behavior, other people resist.

Self-differentiation often takes hard work, but it can have life-changing benefits.

“I do.”

Those two simple words seal a commitment that is supposed to last a lifetime, but falls somewhere short of forever for nearly half of the American people who make it.

Although the divorce rate in the United States has been falling steadily for decades and is no longer hovering at 50%, divorce rates for cultures where arranged marriage is the norm have always been much lower, averaging around 4% and as low as 1% in India, where the majority of marriages are arranged. While it’s hard to overlook the enormous difference in those statistics, comparison is difficult since divorce may not be supported or accepted in some cultures and can be difficult to obtain in others. Marriage experts in the U.S. and other Western cultures, however, are examining whether the institution of arranged marriage could offer any insight into helping non-arranged marriages endure the test of time.

What Is Arranged Marriage?

When attempting to understand how an arranged marriage can be successful, it is important to understand what it is and what it is not. All too often, arranged marriage gets mistaken for forced marriage; the two are distinctly different.

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Contrary to many popular assumptions, arranged marriage is not always mandatory. In fact, both partners, including the woman, are typically given choice in the matter. The meeting of potential spouses is usually arranged by a third party, such as parents, but the decision to ultimately marry usually lies with the couple. In a forced marriage, one or both members of the potential couple are not given the power of consent and are sometimes forced into the situation under duress.

Arranged marriage is common in countries such as India and Pakistan and is also prevalent in some parts of Africa and Asia. Religions such as Hinduism, Orthodox Judaism, and Islam have historically been proponents of arranged marriage.

Though arranged marriage may seem like a strange custom to some in the West, marrying for love is a relatively recent concept. Arranged marriage was the norm in Western European societies until the late 1700s, when romantic love and personal choice began emerging as social ideals.

The practice has undergone a technical revolution as of late and has become somewhat akin to a hiring process, where an ad may placed in the paper or online and potential spouses are screened like applicants. In some cases, they are encouraged to submit photos and credentials—almost like a résumé—in hopes of obtaining an interview and meeting with the family.

How Well Can Arranged Marriages Actually Work?

The reality is that people choose to get married for diverse reasons and romantic love is only one of them. Some people marry for the comforts of security, companionship, and to start a family, while others marry for something as simple tax breaks or because of cultural pressure.

Some see falling in love as a magical, life-altering experience that strengthens a bond. Though it may not happen in the same way, many people in arranged marriages state that they, too, gradually fell in love with their partners.

For some, arranged marriage has many advantages. First, it relieves many of the pressures involved in finding a partner. It also frees those in the arrangement to be themselves instead of having to try to impress a potential spouse. Second, partners in arranged marriages are more likely to have similar belief systems, family backgrounds, education, and finances. When your parents help choose your mate, it is likely that they choose someone of similar or equal stature. When we leave the matchmaking to Cupid, many initially unknown factors may reveal themselves over time and affect future compatibility.

Many not on board with arranged marriage would cite missing the opportunity to fall in love as a major drawback. Some see falling in love as a magical, life-altering experience that strengthens a bond. Though it may not happen in the same way, many people in arranged marriages state that they, too, gradually fell in love with their partners. Whereas marriages based on romantic love sometimes start off steamy and fizzle out over time, arranged marriages may start out slow before feelings deepen and strengthen with time.

Furthermore, on a biological level, romantic feelings can cloud judgment. It isn’t uncommon for a couple who are “madly in love” to marry only to find out later that they are incompatible in some of the most important ways. It is perhaps for this reason that arranged marriages based on compatibility, shared values, and future potential may be more likely to last.

Are Arranged and Non-Arranged Marriages All That Different?

An Indian couple whose marriage was arranged recently did an interview with Cosmopolitan. The couple expressed feeling less pressure in the beginning stages of their relationship and said they still feel like they are dating even though they are married. They declared that they are falling more in love each day as they continue to get to know each other.

Expressing his feelings on arranged marriage versus non-arranged marriage, the husband told the magazine, “It’s a gamble. Both ways, it’s a gamble. That’s like life in general. And I always think that more than 50% of marriages end up nowhere, even though most of them are after long-term dating. So it’s a gamble either way.”

Whether your life partner was predetermined or chosen by you, it is still difficult to make a lifelong commitment and be certain it will hold, as no one truly knows what the future holds. Divorce is an essential freedom and is sometimes the best outcome for both partners in a marriage where one or both partners is not getting needs met.

Regardless of how a marriage came to be, it is a commitment that requires patience, compassion, empathy, effective communication, and respect to make it last. Neither perceived compatibility nor romantic attraction alone is enough to sustain a marriage.

Many therapists and counselors work with people considering the pluses and minuses of marriage, including arranged marriage, and can help people move forward with clear minds. If things are a little foggy for you as a potential marriage draws near, consider contacting a qualified therapist.

References:

1. Black, L. (2011). Arranged — not forced — marriages a good match in many cultures. Chicago Tribune. Retrieved from http://articles.chicagotribune.com/2011-07-27/news/ct-x-0727-arranged-marriages-20110727_1_marriages-family-traditions-stephanie-coontz
2. Marie, J. (2014). What It’s Really Like to Have an Arranged Marriage. Retrieved from http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/q-and-a/a33627/what-its-really-like-to-have-an-arranged-marriage/
3. Wolfers, J. (2014). How We Know the Divorce Rate is Falling. The New York Times. Retrieved from http://www.nytimes.com/2014/12/04/upshot/how-we-know-the-divorce-rate-is-falling.html?smid=fb-nytimes&smtyp=cur&bicmp=AD&bicmlukp=WT.mc_id&bicmst=1409232722000&bicmet=1419773522000&abt=0002&abg=1

Thank you for your honesty in describing what sounds like an unbearably painful situation. Alcoholism and addiction basically put both the addicted person and his or her loved ones in an impossible position, where the addicted one is both there and not there, leaving the partner and loved ones to have a “split” experience with, it often seems, two or more personalities. Those who love people with addictions often have a glimpse of the “real” or true person, who is suffering and appears to want help, before the drunk or stoned person appears again: critical or self-centered to the extreme, and hurtful to be around. Thus, by distancing ourselves from the latter, we also seemingly end up abandoning the former—the sober person we fell in love with. This leaves us in a no-win position, where we can stay and feel continually abandoned ourselves (or attacked, or both) or leave and bear the burden of guilt that tells us we are leaving our loved one alone on a deserted island.

It is also devastatingly difficult, if not impossible, to imagine how or why someone would choose drinking or using over family. This is why I like the idea of addiction being a mental health issue, where a person gets to a point where he or she would rather continue to self-destruct and lose everything and everyone than stop and get help. I have lost family members to addiction, so I relate to how absolutely baffling drinking to this degree can be, and how heartbreaking.

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But sometimes things get to such a crisis point that a decision has to be made: namely, do we want to go down with the ship or not? It sounds as though you are choosing sanity, being a good mother, and what often becomes the lesser of two evils: saving oneself, setting a life-preserving boundary against alcoholism, versus rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic. Of course, the ensuing guilt is inevitable, although in truth when a drinking problem reaches such a tragic state, there is little to nothing we can really do anymore and the only real option is to take the lifeboat. By leaving, you are acknowledging the crisis, refusing to minimize it, telling alcoholism you no longer wish to be part of the problem and that you need to protect yourself and your children.

Your husband has long been in a vulnerable situation, and this moment of decision would arrive with or without your presence. The problem is his drinking is killing him, period. Everything else is almost an afterthought. No one can make this decision for him. He must decide whether he wants to stop drinking and live, or keep going and face tragic consequences. Your presence cannot soften these consequences; in fact, your absence may help clarify the starkness of his choice, so I think it’s wise to remove yourself from the situation. No matter how much you have helped him, and with what, the choice remains the same: does he stop or not? This decision and ensuing consequences are out of your control, so in spite of the difficulty you are giving him the dignity of his own choice and allowing him to decide which way he wants to go. You are also setting a good example for everyone by choosing life over insanity and death, though he might not see it that way right now.

I cannot emphasize enough the importance of finding your own support. This is an extremely traumatic situation and likely has been for some time, though that might not be obvious to you; a person’s alcohol or drug problem tends to suck all the oxygen out of the room, hog the mental spotlight as it were, so that the partner forgets that he or she also needs help.

There is no way, of course, to predict any outcome, though it is my great wish that this is the wake-up call your husband needs; people who drink or use are amazingly adept at ignoring or forgetting inconvenient truths, such as the lethality of drinking and using. Perhaps, as human beings, it is near impossible to consider our own demise. But the demise of the relationship, or at least your presence in the house, might, I truly hope, be a stark reminder of the destructiveness of his alcoholism. You are having a healthy response to an extremely toxic situation (alas). I’m sorry to say you ultimately could not save him even if you stayed.

My final point is about your own well-being. I cannot emphasize enough the importance of finding your own support. This is an extremely traumatic situation and likely has been for some time, though that might not be obvious to you; a person’s alcohol or drug problem tends to suck all the oxygen out of the room, hog the mental spotlight as it were, so that the partner forgets that he or she also needs help. Often we buy into the myth that says we are not addicted and therefore strong and resilient, such that no help is needed. To want any support or relief might even be seen as selfish: How can I think of myself at a time like this? But as the airline safety tip goes, give yourself oxygen first so you can better assist your loved one. This is, in fact, what you are doing.

Just from the distressed tone of your letter, I can say with reasonable certainty that I think some counseling and/or group support (Al-Anon, community or spiritual/religious groups for families or spouses) would be extremely valuable. It is too easy to underestimate the damage done to our own psyches by addiction; we often don’t feel it until the dust begins to settle. Then, following the guilt comes rage, hurt, anxiety, sadness, and a whole other cluster of intense emotions—not necessarily in that order. This doesn’t at all signify a person’s “failure to cope”; it is, again, a very normal reaction to an abnormally and almost cruelly stressful situation that annihilates love and tenderness, and often hope, to a traumatizing degree. It is a situation, I might add, that often parallels earlier childhood experiences where the nondrinking person became a kind of parentified child, or precocious caregiver, so that this role became second nature, where crushing guilt ensues anytime the person tries to step out of it. But any adult romantic relationship contingent on one-way giving/receiving will sooner or later collapse from imbalance. A thriving, growing love needs mutuality, or at least something in the ballpark. We need to take turns—otherwise the see-saw tips too far in one direction and falls over.

I also often say that a partner going to Al-Anon helps the addicted person too, as it is excellent role modeling.

I’m sorry you are in such a hellacious bind, though I commend you for your courage and stamina in making the sane choice (which can seem insane in the midst of chaos). Your feelings are normal for someone in your position; however, they do not, by any stretch, indicate that you are doing something wrong. It sounds like the kind of wake-up call that has been in the works for some time.

Thanks again for writing.
Darren

It’s that feeling down in your belly that wiggles and burns, then jumps into your chest as you check your phone for the 10th time for a text from the object of your interest. Fireworks. Electricity. A burning flame. These are all descriptors that often describe passionate, romantic love.

We often hear people say they love someone so much it hurts or that a person can give them “butterflies” in the stomach if they’re in the same room. We think to ourselves, “This person works them up so much. They must really be into them!” The reality, however, is that pain and anxiety are not signs of passion. They are just pain and anxiety. Authentic love should not feel that way.

The Mixed Signals of Romance

In the beginning of a developing relationship, you may feel preoccupied with powerful feelings. Anxiety and excitement feel very similar. However, as a relationship builds, those unnerving feelings can be indicators the relationship is not truly serving you.

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Anxiety can show up in a number of ways in relationships. Perhaps you worry excessively about what your significant other thinks or feel like you need to be perfect when they are around. You may have irrational thoughts that they might be angry or leave you. You may feel self-conscious around this person, or even panic when things go wrong. This is not how a person should feel in a secure, loving, and supportive relationship.

Are Your Needs Being Met?

It’s not uncommon for someone to become anxious about a relationship when a partner is not meeting their needs. When we feel ignored or not prioritized, it can be unsettling.

You probably have a friend who texts their significant other relentlessly every time they fail to answer the phone, asking where they are, what they’re doing, or instructing the person to call back right away. Your friend may be coming from a place of anxiety and might not feel secure about their partnership. Maybe your friend has reason not to trust their partner. Maybe they are carrying hurt and suspicion from a past breakup. Either way, those rapid-fire texts are not a sign of undying love—they may, instead, indicate anxiousness.

All that angst may feel like over-the-moon passion, but remember: above anything else, your relationship should feel calm and safe.Some degree of anxiety in a relationship is normal. But if you frequently feel nervous about where things stand with your significant other, you may want to pause and think about what’s causing you to feel that way.

Does your partner ignore you for long periods of time? Are they hypercritical or jealous? Maybe they make you feel guilty, give you ultimatums, or become passive-aggressive and irritable. Does your partner act overly flirtatious with others? These are all examples of unhealthy relationship dynamics that can leave people feeling panicky and unnerved. If any of these are behaviors are commonplace in your relationship, you may want to reach out to a couples counselor or rethink your commitment.

From Infatuation to Meaningful Connection

As a relationship develops and moves past the honeymoon phase, lust and novelty should be replaced by trust, commitment, and dependability. These are the true qualifiers of an authentic, long-term connection. A loving relationship should feel secure, reliable, and supportive. You should be able to feel relaxed and open about being accepted as your true self. You should be able to trust your partner to be loyal. You should feel like a priority. Everyone deserves this type of relationship.

All that angst may feel like over-the-moon passion, but remember: above anything else, your relationship should feel calm and safe.

In light of the recent Supreme Court decision legalizing same-sex marriage across the nation, there has been a surge in the national dialogue about marriage in general. Although a range of opinions exist in response to the SCOTUS ruling, individuals on both sides of the debate are talking about the meaning and purpose of marriage with fervor and passion.

But why does marriage matter?

Marrying for love and happiness is a fairly recent phenomenon. Previous to democratization, which popularized the notion of individual rights and freedoms around the turn of the 14th century, individuals generally either participated in arranged marriages or married according to cultural norms for their social class, socio-economic status, gender, and/or birth order. Despite the fact individuals have not always prioritized attraction or emotions in marital decisions, modern Americans cherish the romance of marrying for love and happiness, as evidenced by just about every relationship narrative in the media today.

Marriage therapists often assist couples struggling with conflict, pain, or feelings of isolation in their marriage. If the purpose of marriage is to secure long-term personal and relational happiness, have these couples somehow failed?

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In traditional marital vows from The Book of Common Prayer, couples commit “to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.” The weight of those words can feel far from romantic: they do not guarantee an image of blissful happiness that is typically associated with modern weddings. Could it be that marriage is not necessarily meant to make us happy?

Duke University ethics professor Stanley Hauerwas suggests that pursuit of marriage for the fulfillment of personal happiness “fails to appreciate the fact that we always marry the wrong person.” Hauwas writes, “We never know whom we marry; we just think we do. Or even if we first marry the right person, just give it a while and he or she will change. For marriage, being [the enormous thing it is] means we are not the same person after we have entered it. The primary challenge of marriage is learning how to love and care for the stranger to whom you find yourself married.”

Marriage is not merely a means to finding personal happiness; rather, it is an opportunity to demonstrate love to another person (and the family and community associated with that person) even in the midst of unhappiness. Let’s return once again to the traditional marriage vows: Are couples truly willing to embrace their words that marriage means to have and to hold … for worse … for poorer … and in sickness … until death do us part?

Are couples truly willing to embrace their words that marriage means to have and to hold … for worse … for poorer … and in sickness … until death do us part?

Today’s norm in American culture, which may be exacerbated through online dating, is to seek attractive partners with shared interests. It is reasonable to believe that engaging in a romantic relationship with someone who has these qualities will likely result in feelings of happiness, at least for a period of time. However, when inevitable stress or feelings of hurt impact the relationship, will the perceived value of the marriage decrease? Those who ascribe to the belief that the purpose of marriage is to seek happiness place themselves at risk of resentment, anger, or disappointment when their perceived personal needs for happiness in the relationship are not being fulfilled.

If, instead, the intent of marriage is to learn how to love one another and one’s community through sharing life together, happiness may be a welcomed benefit—but not the established primary goal.

Are one’s feelings in marriage irrelevant? Not at all. Spouses must tend to their own emotions and share them with their partners in order to increase intimacy and address relational problems. If one is suffering in marriage (e.g., if one is experiencing abuse, neglect, or addiction), feelings of distress may also be an important indicator that further action is needed.

Happiness is also important in marriage because it is a powerful motivator; couples who feel happy in their relationship will likely have more energy to work through relational challenges, learn relational skills, and seek opportunities to extend care in their marriages, families, and communities.

Individuals who marry tend to be happier than those who do not (Yap, Anusic, and Lucas, 2012). And yet, perhaps the point of marriage isn’t just to be “happily in love,” but rather to learn how to love through the act of continuously committing and extending care to one’s spouse even when circumstances are challenging.

References:

1. Hauerwas, S. (1978, April 19). Sex and politics: Bertrand Russell and “human sexuality.” Christian Century, 417-2.
2. Love — you’re doing it wrong [Motion picture]. (2012). France: TED.
3. Yap, S. C. Y., Anusic, I., & Lucas, R. E. (2012). Does personality moderate reaction and adaptation to major life events? Evidence from the British Household Panel Survey. Journal of Research in Personality.

With the intensity of the feelings you and your husband are experiencing, I imagine two weeks feels like a long time. In reality, and especially considering your husband’s preexisting trust issues, two weeks is a small blip on the radar. My sense is that it is going to take quite a bit more time and work to come back from this.

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Because it has only been a couple of weeks—and it does sound like there has been some progress made—it seems possible that you two might be able to work this through on your own. However, because trust has always been somewhat of an issue for your husband, it might be valuable to consider partnering with a couples therapist. Couples therapists are trained and experienced in working through issues very similar to the one you and your husband are experiencing.

Trust is not a static quality in relationships; it ebbs and flows throughout the course of a relationship based on personal insecurities, jealousy, life changes, actions that breach trust, and many other things. When the trust levels in a relationship are low, it is important for couples to acknowledge this and work on it. While fluctuations in trust are normal, unaddressed trust issues are a recipe for disaster.

While fluctuations in trust are normal, unaddressed trust issues are a recipe for disaster.

It sounds like you are acknowledging the validity of your husband’s feelings and accepting your role in the situation. This, along with patience and a willingness to continue to work on healing—again, ideally with a therapist—is really all you can do. Hopefully, your husband will also be willing to commit to the process of healing from this experience, as well as a deeper exploration of the trust issues he seems to have brought into your marriage. Getting to the root of his trust issues is an important part of your path forward together, and until you do that, continuing to have compassion for your husband and the pain of his past betrayal is important.

It sounds like recovering from this is going to be a longer and more painful process than you were expecting. While I can’t make any guarantees about outcomes, this could end up leading you and your husband to much deeper trust and greater intimacy.

Respectfully,

Sarah

Thank you for reaching out with such a powerful and important question. I commend you for taking the time and being thoughtful, considerate, and deliberate in planning your course of action with what could be a highly sensitive situation.

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My first thought about this is whether you’ve spoken to your girlfriend about your concerns. Does she know about your family’s tendencies? She may have similar feelings or worries, and together the two of you can discuss the various options and come to a decision that best suits everyone. I’m quite confident that she has been dealing with various forms of racism for quite some time, as she was in an interracial relationship and now has biracial children. Given that, she may have her own perspectives on how to deal with situations like this in a way that is supportive to her and the children. If you haven’t yet spoken with her about this, I would suggest you start there. Not only will having that discussion clear things up for you and help you clarify your course of action, it will help build your relationship by fostering open and caring communication.

As the saying goes, the best defense is a good offense. I suggest you openly discuss this with the whole family, talk about your concerns, and plan a strategy.

Should you both decide to attend the family reunion, you may indeed be faced with the challenges you are concerned about. As the saying goes, the best defense is a good offense. I suggest you openly discuss this with the whole family, talk about your concerns, and plan a strategy. Discuss the fact racism still exists, it’s still a problem for minorities, and it can be incredibly hurtful to be on the receiving end.

If your family makes racist comments, you can choose how to handle it. You can decide as a family if you are going to address the comments calmly and rationally, or if you will decide to remove yourself from the situation. You can plan a response such as, “I will not allow my family to be subjected to this sort of racist behavior. If you want us to stay, you will apologize and refrain from further comments of that nature.” The other option is to choose to leave immediately.

What is NOT a good option is to lose control, get angry, and make a scene. As difficult as it may be to remain calm in those types of circumstances, nothing is ever resolved by acting in anger. If you are concerned that you can’t handle this sort of situation without getting angry and making a scene, I suggest you not be in it at all.

It sounds as though this relationship has the potential to be long-term, as you seem committed to her and the children. If that is the situation, you will be faced with a lot of racism, microaggressions, and other painful situations for as long as racism continues to be an issue in our world. Sadly, there is a long way to go on that front. You are in a unique position to act as an ally for your girlfriend’s children, and in some ways, for all people of color.

If you and your girlfriend decide to go to your reunion and face what can possibly arise, you are opening yourselves up to be uncomfortable, hurt, and upset. On the other hand, you may be opening up opportunities for dialogue, reflection, and maybe even change in your family. This is not an easy situation, and it will require much of you and your girlfriend to navigate it with grace, but I believe that with honesty, openness, and a willingness to engage, you can manage it. I hope you believe that, too.

Best wishes in the journey!
Lisa

There’s a reason you and your partner can’t agree. It’s because you started out as opposites. And opposites attract. So annoying, right? But you are in excellent company because opposites attracted long before the human species got here.

It turns out that Einstein’s theory of relativity is built on it, and if you remember your high school science, electrons and protons whoosh right into each other. In the animal kingdom, opposite-ness has the survival value of creating a diverse set of genes.

But among humans, the problem gets a bit complex when the very qualities that attracted us in the first place are the ones we now find highly irritating.

In the world of corporate America, it is well known that people work well together when they are similar in outlook and disposition. If we merely choose people we can get along with, we tend to choose similar ones. But if we choose those we are attracted to, then our unconscious tends to kick in and lead us down paths we probably wouldn’t take if only we knew (consciously) we were doing it. Often, those paths lead to our opposites.

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Then again, attraction is hardwired into the animal kingdom, so it must have a positive purpose. What could that possibly be? Back in 1967, Henry V. Dicks had a theory about this (Whitehouse, 1981). According to his view, we are attracted to someone who has a quality we don’t have because that quality was a part of our personality when we were children. At some point, it was attacked or rejected by our parents. So we also rejected it, but at the same time missed it.

Because the quality was put down, we don’t care for it. But because the quality was a part of us at one time, it is still attractive. So, we now have ambivalence about that quality. In a 1981 study of 30 people, it turned out that the annoying quality was an exaggeration of the very quality the person was originally attracted to, supporting Dicks’ theory.

So, for example, if a person was attracted to someone who was outgoing, years later the complaint might be that the object of attraction socializes too much and doesn’t pay enough attention to the person.

What do you do? How do you resolve these sorts of things without giving up who you are?

This is an interesting psychoanalytic approach. Here’s mine: We are here on Earth to learn and grow. We reach for the stars. That is hardwired into us. That part of us that wants to expand our horizons naturally would be attracted to people who have qualities we don’t have. Yet, we of course get along best with people whose outlook and style are more similar to ours. We are pulled in both directions. I think it’s as simple as that.

What if you find yourself in exactly that situation right now? You are in a relationship with someone who seems to be your polar opposite. You are a saver; the other person is a spender. You like to travel; your soulmate likes to stay home. You feel that a comfortable home is a tidy one; your significant other feels home is where it’s most relaxed. You prefer time alone together; your mate wants to socialize. What do you do? How do you resolve these sorts of things without giving up who you are?

Step 1: Get the Magic Back

Without the magic you once had, all the discussions in the world may be of no avail. There was a time when you counted the minutes to being together. There was a time when the list of things above would have been petty in your eyes.

Do something fun, exciting, romantic, and then do something else that’s wild and happy.

The magic comes when you put the whole person into perspective. You used to love something deep and undefinable about that person; now it’s time to reach for that something again.

Step 2: Take a Look Inside

Use the ideas presented above to look at yourself. What is it that you wanted in this other person? What is it about you that is missing that thing? How did that happen? How did you come to find it attractive in your partner?

A little soul searching may help you remember that you had a reason—a good reason—to be attracted to this person. There was, indeed, something about him or her that completed you, even if you were not consciously aware of it at the time.

Step 3: Cherish That Quality

You were once attracted to that quality, so now is not the time to reject it. Cherish it.

True, it may need some refining. We were all put here to grow, and that includes not only you but your friends and relatives as well. By being in contact with one another, each of us can grow.

But the best possible climate for growth comes from acceptance, not rejection. If Dicks’ theory is correct, then plainly we see that rejection by our parents did not help us grow. Take responsibility for the fact you chose this partner.

Step 4: Say What You Need

If you have done all of this introspection and recognize where the attraction came from for this now-annoying quality, and it is still intolerable, speak up! But do it with love.

So many people think that being assertive is the same as being harsh, demanding, and autocratic. That’s the furthest thing from the truth. The reality is that an assertive response is one that doesn’t beat around the bush but doesn’t say it with anger, either. Although you may be annoyed, do some deep breathing and let go of the bad feelings.

Step 5: Figure Out a Solution Together

The beauty of relationships is that so much can be accomplished by putting your head together with someone else’s. Almost every problem really does have a solution. Enjoy the teamwork and the renewed sense of closeness it fosters.

And if you need a little nudge or guidance in the right direction, contact a qualified therapist.

Reference:

Whitehouse, J. (1981). The role of the initial attracting quality in marriage: Virtues and vices. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 7(1), 61-67.

It sounds like you are feeling very alone in your marriage. Understandably, that is causing you great pain. I imagine your husband’s rather disinterested, even cold, response to your concerns causes you to feel unloved and like you are just not a priority for him.

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Is he willing to consider engaging in couples therapy? Are you? It seems like it could be very helpful given how far apart you two are on this issue. You are so deeply hurt and unable to get your needs met, and he seems both totally unfazed by your expressions of pain and largely unwilling to make any changes. I wonder if couples therapy could help the two of you to hear each other a bit better. If empathy and compassion can fill the space between you, you might find some middle ground.

Is he willing to consider engaging in couples therapy? Are you? It seems like it could be very helpful given how far apart you two are on this issue.

I also wonder if middle ground isn’t closer than it seems. It sounds like he is willing to compromise to some degree in that he is planning to work from home one week each month since he is also planning to take one weekend a month to go on photography trips. This may indicate that he has heard you to some degree and is willing to make a change to address your concerns.

Couples therapy might also provide an opportunity to bring some of your individual issues to light. I wonder what it is like for your husband to have had both of his previous relationships end due to infidelity. Does this cause him to keep you at a distance so he doesn’t get close enough to get hurt?

You indicate that this is your first relationship. It sounds like you had a lot of expectations about what marriage would be like and those expectations are not being met. An exploration of these unmet expectations might produce some valuable insights for you.

I hope you will both consider seeking out couples therapy to try to bring the relationship to a place that works for both of you. Even if he is unwilling, you might find your own individual therapy to be helpful in sorting out your feelings and determining your course of action.

Best wishes,

Sarah

Many little girls grow up dreaming of being in a fairy tale relationship, being swept off their feet by the perfect gentleman and living happily ever after. As boys get older, they, too, can develop idealistic thoughts about becoming someone’s knight in shining armor. Although Cinderella and Prince Charming’s enduring love story may be the stuff of fantasy, trying to create perfection in a real-life relationship can backfire.

Key Insight: Nathanael Schlect, Licensed Associate Counselor “Fairy tale fantasies often serve a protective function. When love feels uncertain, imagining perfection can temporarily soothe anxiety, even if it ultimately increases pressure on the relationship.”

Modern social media platforms have amplified these fairy tale expectations, with couples constantly exposed to curated “relationship goals” content that can create unrealistic standards for their own partnerships. Research shows that women who endorse fairy-tale ideas about romance and marriage tend to have less relationship satisfaction and a more negative sense of psychological well-being.

When we fall in love, we want to be on our best behavior, look our best, and show our partner how much they mean to us. This is perfectly normal. As love develops and grows, it is also normal to expect love to change and evolve into a maturity and grace that allows for some imperfections to begin to show through.

Over time, all relationships weather ups and downs and highs and lows. Nobody’s perfect, and no partners are perfect together all the time. But in the quest for the “perfect” relationship, sometimes we expect more from our partner than is reasonable. This can mean nobody’s happy.

Recent research published in Frontiers in Psychology describes perfectionism as a “destructive factor” in relationships, with studies showing that high perfectionistic standards for a partner exacerbate stress, burnout and conflict.

Perspective is important in relationships. In that spirit, you might want to check your expectations if you expect your partner to:

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• Read your mind—because if they love you, they should “just know,” right? Wrong. Mental health professionals emphasize that even the strongest emotional bonds cannot replace honest communication and active listening.
• Hang out and get along with all of your friends.
• Meet your every emotional need, desire, and want.
• Never slip up, say the wrong thing, or make the wrong move.
• Never get angry or upset.
• Love you as intensely as you love them.
• Look a certain way 100% of the time.

When we allow for the idea that relationships are perfectly imperfect, we leave room for ourselves and our partners to be authentic and real.

When we are obsessed with the idea of a perfect relationship, we tend to work very hard to maintain what we think is “right” and “correct” without objective balance. We want to present to the world how solid and strong our love is by metaphorically riding off into the sunset. However, the idea of never having challenges and struggles is unrealistic and disingenuous. If the pattern of portraying perfection in your relationship becomes obsessive and intrusive, it may be time to seek help from a therapist.

Obsessive thoughts may be grounded in our own fear. We all fear abandonment and hurt, but some of us have a stronger inclination to create a sense of security. Mental health research shows that fear of abandonment can drive maladaptive behaviors and create chronic feelings of emptiness that further complicate relationships.

To begin loosening the grip on the compulsion to be “perfect” in relationships, try the following strategies:

• Acknowledge that the quest to be perfect is exhausting. Meta-analysis research indicates that perfectionism has a small-to-moderate negative effect on marital outcomes, prompting couple therapists to address it as a destructive factor in intimate relationships.
• Be mindful about when the obsession for perfection comes up in your relationship.
• Ask yourself: What’s the worst that can happen if it isn’t perfect?
• Ask yourself: What kind of love do I want?
• Examine why perfection in a relationship appeals to you. Learn from your findings.
• Allow your partner space to make mistakes. Acknowledge that they are normal.
• Understand that the things you want most are almost always rendered less achievable by your perfectionistic tendencies.

The obsessional quality of perfection is that it is relentless! There is not much room in a fairy tale-like relationship for arguments, hurt feelings, forgotten promises, and repair—the trials all meaningful relationships go through (and typically emerge stronger for) at one point or another. When we allow for the idea that relationships are perfectly imperfect, we leave room for ourselves and our partners to be authentic and real. There may not be a perfect relationship, but a healthy one, in which two people can love, learn, and grow together, might be as good as it gets.

Key Insight: Nathanael Schlect, Licensed Associate Counselor “Healthy relationships are not conflict-free. They are repair-capable. The presence of disagreement is not a failure of love, but an opportunity for growth.”

If you’re struggling with obsessive thoughts about relationship perfection or experiencing significant distress about your romantic relationships, consider speaking with a mental health professional who can provide personalized guidance and support.

References:

1. Baldwin-White, A., & Gower, K. (2023). Influence of social media on how college students perceive healthy relationships and consent. Journal of American College Health, 71(4), 1301–1309.
2. Hadian Hamedani, S., Majzoobi, M. R., & Forstmeier, S. (2024). The relationship between perfectionism and marital outcomes: a systematic review and meta-analysis. Frontiers in Psychology. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2024.1466806
3. Kakembo, A. A. (2024). The impact of social media on modern relationships. Kampala International University.
4. National Institute of Mental Health. (2024). Borderline personality disorder. StatPearls. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK430883/
5. Travers, M. (2025, April 7). 2 ‘unrealistic expectations’ that can destroy a marriage. Therapy Tips. https://therapytips.org/articles/2-unrealistic-expectations-that-can-destroy-a-marriage
6. Troutman, M. (2025, August 23). From fairy tale love to social media: External factors affecting relationships. Medium. https://medium.com/@ClassyWriting/from-fairy-tale-love-to-social-media-external-factors-affecting-relationships-63741bdc4d1a
7. Weber, J. P. (2015, May 5). 5 reasons fairy-tale romances almost always go wrong. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/having-sex-wanting-intimacy/201505/5-reasons-fairy-tale-romances-almost-always-go-wrong

What an incredible breach of trust. Not only did he lie to you about not having kids, which I’m sure made sense to him at the time, but he perpetuated the lie by actively hiding an account from you and keeping important financial information from you. Of course you are having concerns and wondering if you can trust him.

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Often people lie for one of two reasons—from fear and a desire to avoid negative consequences, or to gain something they don’t believe they can gain via the truth. Your husband says he lied initially because he didn’t think you would accept him if you knew the truth. Lying can become a habit and even a coping mechanism. Lying can generate fear of being found out, which necessitates additional lies until it looks as if there is no way out. It seems as if your husband justified continuing to lie for fear that if you learned the truth his world would unravel. I am not condoning his actions, but I can see how one lie begets another and another until it seems insurmountable.

Often people lie for one of two reasons—from fear and a desire to avoid negative consequences, or to gain something they don’t believe they can gain via the truth.Now that the truth is out, this would be a great time to work with your husband on becoming completely honest with you about everything. That means giving you access to all of his financial records, legal documents, and passwords as well as sharing his entire unvarnished history with you. Whether or not you intend to stay in your marriage, if you are going to parent with him, rebuilding trust is going to be important for you and for your kids. I recommend working with a therapist on this process. If your husband has indeed been hiding even more, being able to tell you about it in a safe, neutral environment may encourage more transparency. It may also encourage him to consider why he chose dishonesty for so long.

I should mention that, while uncommon, there are some individuals who lie without remorse, who use dishonesty to manipulate, or who lie simply because they can. It is a very small percentage of the population, and I am not suggesting that your husband falls into that category, but it might be helpful to have professional support as well to ensure that you are not dealing with this particular type of individual.

Best of luck,
Erika

Coping with an affair is one of the greatest challenges a couple might face. Some people choose not to try to cope and instead leave the relationship feeling devastated by unprocessed anger and hurt. Others choose to stay and find answers, potentially leading to reconnection and rediscovery.

Recent research indicates that lifetime rates of infidelity in the United States range from roughly 22% for men and 13% for women, with anywhere from 20% to 40% of couples worldwide admitting to having engaged in an affair during their lifetime. When a person finds out that his or her partner has strayed, feelings of betrayal, confusion, and abandonment may cast a painful shadow over everyday life. It takes time to reestablish trust. If both partners are committed to making the relationship work, it is possible to make a full recovery from an affair.

Research shows that approximately 60% to 75% of couples stay together after discovering an affair, and recent studies demonstrate that structured therapeutic approaches can be globally more effective in facilitating affair recovery, notably in the areas of trust, conflict management, relational satisfaction, and quality of sex.

As a couples therapist, I’ve watched couples go through a five-step process while working through this difficult time. Results show that structured therapeutic methods are globally more effective in facilitating affair recovery than treatment-as-usual approaches. But to fully heal, you and your partner must go through each step together.

At each step, you will peel back the layers of your relationship, discussing what happened leading up to the affair. As you dig in deeper, you may realize that there were issues in the relationship and individually that contributed to the affair. Keeping these issues in mind will guide you as you address the real sources of the problems.

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Use each step below to guide your discovery of the true sources of problems in your relationship. The steps do not necessarily happen in order. However, each one is necessary and fundamental to the healing and rebuilding of your life together.

1. Apologies and Forgiveness

Before you can move forward, both people need to make the choice to remain in the relationship and work through things. It won’t be easy. It is imperative that the person who had the affair apologizes, and that the offended partner offers forgiveness.

The person who had the affair must offer a genuine, heartfelt apology. The apology must acknowledge the hurt and pain the other person is feeling. He or she must openly express empathy for the myriad emotions the other person is experiencing.

The person who was cheated on must forgive the affair. Research on forgiveness after infidelity shows that solidarity-oriented personality and perceived partner’s reconciliation motivation facilitate benign attributions and empathy, then facilitate higher levels of decisional forgiveness, which promotes emotional forgiveness. It’s this forgiveness that will allow reconnection to happen.

2. Commitment and Communication

Both partners must feel committed to each other. This commitment is significant as you move through the healing process.

Demonstrate your commitment of patience and time by listening to and openly communicating the “how” and “why” of the affair. Reassure each other that you will figure out how your relationship got to this point.

The goal is to discover the underlying factors and triggers that contributed to the affair. Some couples find the affair was a symptom of growing apart. Others find the affair stemmed from feeling disconnected and distant. Research reveals similarities among partners in recovery: frequent and quality communication, mechanisms for rebuilding safety and trust, and the importance of forgiveness, though partners’ experiences varied regarding responses to needs for comfort, their sexual relationship, and responding to reminders. Regardless of the reason, open communication and commitment to each other is necessary for getting to the root of what caused the affair.

3. Mourning the Affair

Grief and sadness are natural feelings after an affair. Experiencing and expressing the pile of emotions you’re going through is part of the healing process.

Allow the offended partner to express these feelings of betrayal and the emotional impact of the affair.

Key Insight: Nathanael Schlect, Licensed Associate Counselor “In the aftermath of betrayal, anger is often protective. It can create emotional distance when vulnerability feels too risky.”

Through all the pain and emotion, both partners will eventually need to take ownership of the underlying issues that caused the affair.

4. Awakening and Rebuilding Trust

Through all the pain and emotion, both partners will eventually need to take ownership of the underlying issues that caused the affair. In this stage, you will both awaken and recognize that the affair was a symptom of a problem, or problems, in the relationship.

As you work on repairing the underlying issues, you will rebuild trust and create a new sense of security and safety. Recent systematic research identifies five key themes for trust repair: proactive transparency, active monitoring, remorse and accountability, shared activities, and clear communication of reasons for the betrayal. Feelings that were never expressed may float to the surface. Issues that were never discussed will become a new part of the relationship.

Key Insight: Nathanael Schlect, Licensed Associate Counselor “Healing after infidelity isn’t about eliminating anger. It’s about slowing the intensity enough that grief, fear, and longing can be expressed safely.”

It’s during this stage that physical intimacy may be rekindled and emotional intimacy restored. The offended partner must feel reassured that he or she is still attractive and desirable to the partner who had the affair.

5. Reconnection and Acceptance

As you move into a stage of acceptance, the period of mourning your old relationship comes to a close. You’re ready to reconnect and rebuild your new relationship by learning from your mistakes. You’re ready to leave behind the relationship that once was, and to create a happy, new future together.

Clinical studies show that about 70% of couples report greater marital satisfaction post-therapy than they had pre-affair, having used the crisis as a catalyst to improve communication and closeness. It’s hard to recover from an affair, but with a lot of work, commitment, and dedication, your relationship can grow as a result of the experience. Once you’re able to move past the hurt and pain, you will have a solid, more evolved partnership. The work is well worth it, and partnering with a therapist is a great place to start.

Studies demonstrate that couples with a history of extramarital affairs show significant improvements during therapy leading to increased marital satisfaction, reduced psychological trauma symptoms, and forgiveness in the uninvolved partner, with many couples able to sustain these gains and preserve the integrity of their relationships.

References:

1. Abrahamson, I., Hussain, R., Khan, A., & Schofield, M. J. (2012). What helps couples rebuild their relationship after infidelity? Journal of Family Issues, 33(11), 1494-1519.
2. Giacobbi, E., et al. (2025). Unpacking trust repair in couples: A systematic literature review. Journal of Family Therapy, Published online January 5, 2025. https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-6427.12483
3. Irvine, T. J., Peluso, P. R., Benson, K., Cole, C., Cole, D., Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2024). A pilot study examining the effectiveness of Gottman method couples therapy over treatment-as-usual approaches for treating couples dealing with infidelity. The Family Journal, 32(1), 81-94.
4. Nickerson, K., et al. (2023). Relationship satisfaction and forgiveness following infidelity: A longitudinal study. Journal of Marriage and Family Therapy, 45(3), 234-251.
5. Smith, J., & Taylor, M. (2021). Intrapersonal and interpersonal facilitators of forgiveness following spousal infidelity: A stress and coping perspective. PubMed. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31347701/
6. Weiser, D. A., Shrout, M. R., Thomas, A. V., Edwards, A. L., & Pickens, J. C. (2023). Two decades of infidelity research through an intersectional lens. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 40(2), 412-438.