It never fails: When August rolls around, parents begin calling the office. They are calling about their child, who made so much progress toward the end of the previous spring that we reduced or eliminated sessions. But as soon as the back-to-school supplies show up in stores, sleep patterns are disrupted, instances of acting out increase, and general chaos begins.

The children I see in my office often don’t realize why they are feeling so dysregulated. They blame situations with friends, their siblings, and their parents to externalize the cause for their behavior. Sometimes parents don’t even recognize the cause of increased anxiety. As I start asking questions to try to dig toward the cause of the change, I’ll hear tell-tale signals that school anxiety is building beneath the surface. “She’s crossing off the days on the calendar until school begins,” or “He asked if he could send an email to last year’s teacher.”

[fat_widget_right]Other children are very aware that their anxiety is related to school, and they process it outwardly. Every day, they express concerns about not knowing their new teacher, dread the amount of homework they are going to have, or worry that they might miss the bus on the first day of school. The caretakers of these children may quickly become overwhelmed because usually they can give no answer other than, “We’ll find out when school begins.”

What can parents do to help their anxious children transition to the new school year? How can children who don’t recognize how much a new beginning worries them begin to accept and embrace the new adventures that each school year brings?

1. A change in behavior prior to or following a major transition could be related to anxiety.

When a child begins to fight more frequently with a sibling or talk back to parents, take a step back and ask what may be going on in that child’s life. Beginning a new school year is a major unknown for a child, even if the child has attended that school previously. Getting used to new teachers, new classmates, and new routines can be daunting, even for a child who doesn’t experience anxiety. Imagine starting a new job. Your worries about a new boss, different coworkers, and changing responsibilities are likely to be very similar to your child’s concerns about the coming school year.

2. Recognize psychosomatic symptoms as possible signs of anxiety.

If your child begins complaining about stomachaches, headaches, or any other maladies, realize that this may be a signal they are experiencing anxiety. If a child is anxious, they may truly have a headache, but consider finding ways to relieve the anxiety instead of only treating the headache medically, as this is likely to have more long-term benefit. Mindful breathing or guided visualization can be great tools to help alleviate this type of stress.

3. Confront the conversation directly.

Parents often want to keep the peace in the days leading up to the first day of a new school year. However, prepping your child for the upcoming change and talking about the transition can be beneficial. Ask what types of school supplies your child wants, have the child visualize an ideal classroom, and encourage the child to discuss ways to react in case things don’t go exactly as planned. By bringing up the conversation gently, parents have the opportunity to encourage verbalization and reassure their child of their ability to handle the situation.

4. Try not to allow avoidance.

Ask what types of school supplies she or she wants, what a perfect classroom would be like, and what their plan is if things don’t go exactly as they would like. By bringing up the conversation gently, parents have the opportunity to encourage verbalization and reassure their child that they can handle the situation.The primary thing anxiety drives a person to do is avoid the anxiety-provoking situation. When your child says, “I don’t want to go shopping for school supplies,” break it into smaller segments, such as only going to pick out a backpack. Leave the rest for another day. By encouraging your child to push through anxiety, you help build the belief they can succeed during this transition.

5. Ask the school for help.

Talk to the teacher. Talk to the counselor. Give them a heads-up about what your child is experiencing. They may have a plan in place or ideas to try to help acclimate your child to the new school year before it begins. If your school hosts a “meet the teacher” or “back-to-school night,” you may choose to request a separate time that your child can drop off supplies and meet the new instructor.

6. Use guided visualization.

Take the time to write out a script with your child about how the first day will go, from the time the child wakes up to the return home. Focus only on the positive aspects of the day. At bedtime each night, either read the script to your child or have the child read the script, imagining every portion of the day in detail. When your child arrives at the situations in the script that tend to trigger anxiety, encourage mindful breathing for self-regulation and help the child visualize how to handle those obstacles while at school.

Generally, students settle into a routine within the first few weeks of school, and their anxiety subsides. However, if you notice that your child is still experiencing trouble after the first part of the school year, reach out to your school or to a professional counselor who can help you and your child learn more in-depth coping skills to handle these intense experiences.

Allison, 14, comes home from school and busts through the door. She slams her backpack against the wall in the family room and throws herself onto the sofa, only to ignore your demands to get her shoes off the furniture and put her backpack on the hook where she knows it is supposed to go.

Is this a familiar scene in your household?

As parents, our reactions to Allison’s behavior will mostly reflect an immediate request for correction. In response to Allison, many of us would be quick to say, “Get your shoes off the couch and go pick up that backpack!” With this reaction, however, we are ignoring the symptoms behind the disrespectful behavior.

But what if, instead of making demands for better behavior or offering reminders of family rules, you simply take a step back and notice the behavior? Moreover, what if you look for the emotions behind the behavior and place your request for compliance on the back burner for a bit? How might the interaction occur differently? These are some of the principles of a type of listening identified in the work of Carl Rogers, a 1950s psychologist known for his emphasis on helping people become self-aware through reflective listening.

[fat_widget_right]The acronym DEAR is a helpful way to remember the important components of reflectively listening to your child. If you follow this path, you may find that you are connecting with your child in a more meaningful way. DEAR works like this:

Detect

The first step in reflective listening is to become a detective of sorts. First, you must tamp down your own reactive, subjective emotions in order to focus on your child. This is hard to do because our role in parenting naturally consists of advising and telling our children based on our own judgments. Instead, try to observe your child’s demeanor, behaviors, tone, and words. In our example with Allison, we see anger and frustration, as well as defiance of the rules. If we practice our detection skills even more, we will likely discover some hurt underlying those emotions.

Empathize

By listening to your child reflectively, you are helping him or her define emotions and minimize acting out. This teaches your child that he or she can choose to control and manage emotions. Try to empathize with your child’s feelings without making it about you. What is their perspective? Though your child may have broken a house rule or even hurt your feelings by lashing out at you, try to be nonjudgmental for a moment. Connect with your child’s feelings. We can easily empathize with anger and frustration because we have all been in situations where we have those feelings. You might say, “Wow, Allison. You seem really angry,” or, “I can see your frustration.” These statements are more disarming in nature and send a signal to your child that you see him or her, not just the behavior.

Ask

Ask questions out of compassion. Keep the conversation focused more on your child’s emotions and story before moving forward to address the undesirable behavior or a solution. Paraphrase what you hear. Your questions shouldn’t be “why” they behaved in such a manner; your questions should come from a place of wanting more information. Again, using our example of Allison, ask her “Can I help?” or “Can you tell me what happened?” These types of questions may deactivate the power of her emotions and keep her from acting out further. It will also assure her that you want to listen.

Reflect

Reflecting on or summarizing what you hear from your child can help dampen the powerful emotions your child is feeling. When you restate or paraphrase what has been said, your child has an opportunity to step back and reevaluate their statements and feelings. With this practice, you are teaching your child how to regulate emotions through conversation and process feelings rather than behave as a result of the emotions.

Allison, for example, may share that she was being teased on the way home from school about her new hairstyle. She may tell you that even some of her friends joined in. In response to her story, reflection might sound like this: “What I am hearing is that you are hurt because you were made fun of.” Similarly, summarizing sounds like: “What a terrible end to your school day. It sounds like you’ve been hurt by people you thought were your friends.”

By listening to your child reflectively, you are helping them define emotions and minimize acting out. This teaches your child they can choose to control and manage emotions. At this point, you can move back into the role of advising and telling. You might end the fictional example with Allison by saying something along the lines of, “OK, well, why don’t you go put that backpack on its hook and let’s go find a movie for tonight?”

Some points to remember when using DEAR:

• Take a step back from your own emotions before reacting.
• Look underneath the behavior.
• Don’t use “why” when asking questions.
• Paraphrase and summarize what you hear.

More than a quarter of Americans experience mental health issues each year, and the World Health Organization reports that depression is the leading cause of disability worldwide. However, many Americans think mental health care is both expensive and difficult to access, according to a study jointly sponsored by the National Action Alliance for Suicide Prevention, the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, and the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.

In a survey of 2,000 adults, most (almost 90%) said they equally valued physical and mental health. One third reported that mental health care is hard to access, and 40% said high costs are a barrier to treatment. Forty-seven percent thought they had experienced a mental health issue, but only 38% of them had received treatment.

[fat_widget_right]Among those who sought treatment, therapy was the most popular option, with 82% pursuing psychotherapy and 78% taking medication. Eighty-six percent said that they knew mental health conditions such as depression increase the risk for suicide, but only 47% knew that anxiety-related conditions could also increase one’s suicide risk.

Though federal laws mandate equal coverage for mental and physical health, a number of recent reports suggest that many insurers continue to deny mental health claims.

64% of Psychology Experiments Fail Replication Test

In May, GoodTherapy.org reported on research suggesting that the majority of psychology studies could not be reproduced by subsequent researchers. Reproducibility is a hallmark of sound science. When a study’s results cannot be recreated, this suggests that the study could have been flawed, biased, or a fluke. Now, the results of that research have been published in Science, sparking debates about a so-called crisis in psychology. The research argues that the results of only a quarter of social psychology experiments and half of cognitive psychology experiments could subsequently be reproduced.

Living Small: The Psychology of Tiny Houses

Tiny houses are trending all over social media. For young people facing an expensive housing market, more economically sized homes can be enticing. These houses encourage people to reduce their carbon footprint by living simply, offer greater mobility because they can easily be moved by a trailer, and are much more affordable than standard-size homes. Moving into a tiny home may require significant downsizing of clothing, furniture, and belongings, but the advantages may include increased control over one’s housing experience, a private alternative to keeping costs down, and the ability to personalize design to fit one’s mood.

Health Buzz: Alcohol Education Should Begin at Age 9

Parents often delay talking to their kids about alcohol until the adolescent years, but a new survey published in the American Academy of Pediatrics suggests that these conversations should begin much earlier. The survey found that two thirds of teens had consumed alcohol by their high school graduation and that a quarter have had more than just a few sips before eighth grade. Researchers also found that children and teens drink more heavily than adults, raising concerns about alcohol poisoning and addiction. To give kids accurate and relevant information, the report recommends parents begin the alcohol conversation by the time their children are 9 years old.

Religion Rarely Part of ICU Conversation

Though three quarters of people charged with making health care decisions in an intensive care unit report that religion and spirituality are “fairly” or “very” important in their lives, less than 20% of family health care meetings involve discussion of religion or spirituality with doctors and other caregivers. Particularly when discussing end-of-life decisions, religion can be important, but it is usually the caregiver, not the doctor, who broaches the subject.

Japan’s Worst Day for Teen Suicides

September is National Suicide Prevention Month. For many Japanese parents, it may also be a time of increased concern about suicide among their teens. In Japan, more school students commit suicide on September 1 each year than on any other day. Though experts have posited various explanations—such as worries regarding bullying at school after a summer break free of emotional and physical attacks from peers—suicide remains common. Japan has one of the world’s highest suicide rates, and suicide is the leading cause of death among people aged 15 to 39. Figures from the Japanese government show that more than 18,000 adolescents under the age of 18 committed suicide between 1972 and 2013.

Oliver Sacks, Renowned Neurologist Who Wrote About His Cancer, Dies at 82

Famed author and neurologist Oliver Sacks died of cancer at his home on Sunday, August 30. Sacks wrote about unusual neurological conditions, often naming books after symptoms he saw in his clinical practice, such as The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat. He was the inspiration for the doctor played by Robin Williams in the 1990 movie Awakenings, which is based on Sacks’ 1973 book of the same name.

Lack of Sleep Puts You at Higher Risk for Colds, First Experimental Study Finds

According to a study of 164 healthy people, inadequate sleep could increase the risk of developing a cold. Scientists monitored participants’ sleep patterns for a week, then quarantined them in a hotel for five days and exposed them to a cold virus. Researchers also checked the participants’ blood for an antibody that fights the common cold, then removed participants who had the antibody to make sure those participants would not bias the infection rates of the group.

At the end of the quarantine period, 45.2% of those who slept less than five hours a night exhibited at least one sign of illness—revolving around mucus production—and one other immune response. Of those who slept five to six hours, the cold rate was 30%, compared to 22.7% for those who slept six to seven hours. The rate was only 17.2% for those who got more than seven hours of sleep. At the end of the study, researchers determined that people who slept less than five hours per night were 4.5 times more likely to get sick than those who slept seven hours or more.

Often, I meet a mom who is on the verge of tears describing how her teen hates her. She can’t understand it, and she wants her baby back. The teen looks on sullenly, once again exasperated by a parent who just doesn’t understand.

As a nonparent but a therapist for many kids, teens, and families, I can easily understand what this teen is going through. I remember it well. I hated my mom, too, and she was a sobbing mess due to my abrupt withdrawal. All I wanted was independence and for her to get off my back. Looking back, I want to kiss my mom for being so annoying. She saved me from so many negative experiences by having rules and expectations, but she also pushed me away by being emotional and reactive to my teen antics.

The preteen and teen years are filled with intense emotions and conflict. Historically, this change has been attributed to hormones, which is certainly a large part of it. Through our entire adult lives, we wrestle with hormones surging in our bodies, but after our teenage years we have developed enough to manage most of the residual emotions. Teens, on the other hand, have not. They feel so many different and new things, and they don’t always have the ability to slow down their reactions.

Educate Yourself

[fat_widget_right]Learn more about what your teen is going through and try to develop an objective lens through which to look. This may help you make meaning of some of the wilder behavior your teenager exhibits. It won’t buffer the sting of hateful comments, but understanding where they come from may help you think rationally about it all and not question every parenting move you make. Read books, articles, and websites about teen development. An informative, easy-to-read book I recommend is The Teenage Brain: A Neuroscientist’s Survival Guide to Raising Adolescents and Young Adults by Dr. Frances E. Jensen.

Remain Calm

When the situation is tense, take three deep breaths before responding to your teen. Don’t respond impulsively, as doing so may fuel the fire and create a bigger rift in your relationship. Attempt to process your emotions with another adult if you need to, and present yourself as calm, cool, and collected when approaching your teen. When this is not possible, try your best not to engage in an argument and instead walk away. If you are losing your cool or crying, your message may not be as effective and may further contribute to your teen’s negative perception of you.

See It from Their Perspective

It may not be sensible to you, but there is usually some merit to your teen’s argument. Validate it. Let them know that you get it, and you want them to be happy.

Guide Them

Looking back, I want to kiss my mom for being so annoying. She saved me from so many negative experiences by having rules and expectations, but she also pushed me away by being emotional and reactive to my teen antics.Almost all teens need some major guidance. Many lack the ability to think far ahead and weigh all the consequences of their choices. Part of your job as a parent is to control impulses. Your teen may rail against you, but don’t give up! Letting your teen run wild will help neither you nor your teen. Teens can be harsh, hurtful, and even intimidating to their parents, but you are the adult in the relationship and it’s your job—not your teen’s—to stand strong and maintain boundaries.

Stay Strong

Forget the messy rooms, don’t worry so much about the heavy eyeliner, and simply focus on safety and love. You love your teen because they were once your baby, and even though they can seem cold, moody, and sometimes downright mean, your teen loves you underneath it all and they do NEED you.

Yes, middle school may be a time full of awkwardness and self-doubt, but it is also a time of incredible transformation and movement toward independence. With regard to its impact on human development, this period of life is second only to the period from infancy to age three.

Think about that for a minute.

Remember how much your child changed from birth to age three? That’s how much change, growth, and development will happen over these next three years as your teen navigates middle school! Get ready for a wild ride!

Many of the parents I work with feel lost, unsure of how much support to offer their middle school student. How much independence is enough? How much is too much? How do you support a child without being a helicopter parent?

I like to compare the situation to teaching a child to swim. Think about the stages we go through with swimming. When our kids are toddlers, we go in the pool with them and we never let go. Later, we let them swim farther and farther away from us, but we stay in the pool so we can rescue them at any moment. Eventually, when we are comfortable with their skills, we let them swim while we watch from our lounge chair. I think of parenting during middle school as that last stage. We are on the sidelines offering guidance and support. We are right there if they get into trouble, but, mostly, we let them do their thing.

In the spirit of parenting from the sidelines, here are some tips to help make your child’s transition to middle school successful:

1. Encourage self-advocacy.

[fat_widget_right]Self-advocacy is one of the most important skills your teen will learn over the next few years. Speaking up for himself or herself and knowing how to ask for what they need is a critical, lifelong skill. Your teen can only learn it if you make an intentional effort to back away and let him or her step up to the plate.

• When your teen has a question about homework, make sure he or she contacts the teacher, not you. Help your teen brainstorm what to say, and maybe even craft the email or conversation together. But let the message come from your teen.
• When your kid forgets to do homework, let him or her approach the teacher to work it out. Maybe your child will need to stay in for lunch. Maybe the assignment can’t be made up and your teen will have to deal with the zero. Either way, let the student work it out with the teacher.
• When your teen feels like another student wronged him or her, teach them to use the office as a resource. Help your teen report the incident to a counselor or dean, but let him or her take the lead.

Side note: With all of these examples, I encourage parents to follow up with teachers to make sure your child really did follow through and advocate for themselves. I have written many emails that simply say “I’m just checking to make sure my daughter talked to you about … ” This is very different from taking the lead and contacting teachers to solve it yourself.

2. Allow your teen to struggle.

This one is always hard for parents, and for good reasons. We don’t like to see our children struggle. Our instinct is to jump in and rescue. However, we all know that the greatest lessons in life come from learning from our mistakes, and if our goal is to raise children to become strong, independent adults, we need to learn to let them stumble.

• Our kids take their lead from our energy as parents. The attitude you project will be the attitude they absorb. These next three years will be an unbelievable transformation! Allow your child to suffer the “natural consequences” of being unprepared for class. Maybe he or she will serve a detention. Maybe your teen will receive a zero. It will sting and your child will be upset, but hopefully habits will start to change.
• Stop rescuing! Don’t bring the missing work to school for your teen. Don’t write the teacher a note about how busy your family was and why homework didn’t get finished. Let your teen learn to deal with the consequences.
• Focus on growth instead of grades. Your child won’t earn an A on every single assignment, and that’s okay. Focus your conversations on how hard he or she is working, what is being learned, what support is needed, and how skills are growing, rather than just what your teen’s grades are.

The most important thing parents can do at this age is learn to ask, “How can I help? What kind of support to do you need?” instead of “How can I fix this for you?”

3. Encourage positive risk-taking.

Middle school is the perfect time to try new things, and becoming comfortable with taking positive risks is another critical skill in teen development. Some ideas for middle school risk-taking include:

• Try a new sport.
• Join a club or start a new one.
• Volunteer or start a new charity drive at school.
• Expand your circle of friends.
• Try a music class.

There are so many ways your teen can learn to take a positive risk. The important part as a parent is to always acknowledge and praise the effort and courage it takes to try something new.

4. Keep your communication and connection strong.

Even with all of this new independence, your teen still needs you. In fact, I would argue that he or she needs a strong connection with you now more than ever. Your teen will most certainly start pushing you away, but rest assured he or she is craving connection. Some new twists on connecting at this age:

• Find some new, creative ways to ask how your teen’s day was. Encourage him or her to tell you fun stories from the day, not just list the details about homework and grades.
• Become involved in your teen’s social media. If you allow your teen to have social media accounts, use the apps as one more opportunity to engage with him or her. Send funny quotes you found, “like” pictures and videos, ask about celebrities your child is following. Engaging via social media gives you the double bonus of connecting and monitoring activity all at once.
• Let your bedtime routine evolve, but not disappear. Maybe he or she is too old for bedtime stories and songs, but you’re still needed. Ask how things are going with friends. Let you teen share a new favorite song with you (even if you hate it).
• Carve out time to spend together. Coffee dates, movie nights, watching your favorite show together—make one-on-one time a priority. Your teen is never, ever too old for that. I promise.

Middle school is hard. There’s no doubt about that, but it doesn’t have to be miserable. Be thoughtful about the messages you are sending your kids about this new adventure. Are you allowing your own biases to fill their heads with the idea that middle school is terrible and you just have to suffer through it and try to survive? Or are you letting your kids know that it’s going to be exciting, energizing, challenging, and new?

Our kids take their lead from our energy as parents. The attitude you project will be the attitude they absorb. These next three years will be an unbelievable transformation! Prepare for it, brace yourself for it, but most of all, enjoy it!

A WebMD study of stress in parents and children suggests many parents may not notice signs of stress in their children. When parents do recognize their children’s stress, they often misattribute the stress to schoolwork challenges, even when the cause of the stress is closer to home.

Do Parents Recognize Their Children’s Stress?

WebMD’s 2015 Stress in Children Consumer Survey collected data from June 1 to July 31, surveying a total of 432 parents of children aged 5 to 13. The survey showed high levels of stress among parents, who rated their stress on a scale of 1 to 10. Fifty-seven percent reported their stress at a 7 or higher, and almost 1 in 5 parents said their stress was a 10.

Even though these parents reported high levels of stress, most did not think their kids were stressed. In fact, 60% percent of parents ranked their children’s stress at a 4 or lower.

To analyze children’s stress levels, the survey asked about behaviors associated with stress, such as arguing, crying, anxiety, and headaches. Seventy-two percent of parents reported their children had at least one symptom associated with stress during the last 12 months. Forty-four percent of children complained of headaches or stomachaches, and 38% said they experienced frequent nightmares or insomnia. Forty-three percent of parents said their children argued more than usual, and 37% reported an increase in crying or whining. These findings suggest that parents notice symptoms of stress in their children but may not attribute these symptoms to stress.

Why Are Kids So Stressed?

The array of stress-related symptoms reported by most children in the study indicate that kids often struggle with stress, even if their parents do not correctly identify their symptoms.

[fat_widget_right]When asked about the sources of their children’s stress, most parents (53%) said schoolwork and homework were key factors, and 51% said their children’s friends caused stress. Yet 60% of survey respondents reported a stressful family event—such as a divorce, job loss, or death in the family—in the last year. This suggests much of children’s stress may stem from difficulties at home.

Bullying may also play a role in children’s stress levels. Thirty-eight percent of parents reported that their children experienced bullying, with 51% of those parents placing their children’s stress levels between 8 and 10.

The American Psychological Association’s Stress in America survey may help illuminate some causes of stress among older youth. During the school year, teens often report higher stress levels than adults, though 54% of teens say stress has little or no impact on their physical health, compared to 39% of adults.

Helping Stressed Youth

Therapy can help kids better manage their stress, and some of those coping with conditions such as anxiety or depression may also obtain benefit from medication or extensive lifestyle changes. Overload can affect a child’s overall well-being, so the American Academy of Pediatrics advises parents to intervene if they observe one or more of the following in their children:

• Frequent physical symptoms, such as stomach pain or headaches
• Fatigue, restlessness, or agitation
• A depressed or low mood, irritability, or negativity
• A loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities
• Difficulty communicating about negative feelings
• Changes in grades
• Behavior problems such as stealing, lying, or neglecting family responsibilities
• Changes in a child’s level of dependency; some stressed kids regress, becoming more dependent on their parents

References:

1. American Psychological Association survey shows teen stress rivals that of adults. (2014, February 11). Retrieved from http://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2014/02/teen-stress.aspx
2. Shaw, G. (2015, August 17). WebMD survey: Parents don’t see kids’ stress signs. Retrieved from http://www.webmd.com/children/news/20150817/stress-survey
3. Signs of overload. (2015, August 20). Retrieved from https://www.healthychildren.org/English/healthy-living/emotional-wellness/Pages/Signs-of-Overload.aspx

Caitlyn Jenner’s recent transition, made public with her Vanity Fair cover and I Am Cait—a reality show that chronicles her life after coming out as transgender—have drawn public attention to transgender issues. The warm welcome Caitlyn received from many celebrities and political organizations might even create an illusion of support for all transgender people.

Figures from the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention and the Williams Institute reflect a different reality. According to a study by the two organizations, 41% of trans-identified people attempt suicide at some point in their lives, compared to just 4.6% of the general population. The study analyzed results from the National Transgender Discrimination Survey, which was the largest study to explore the experiences and lives of transgender and gender-nonconforming people in the United States. The National Center for Transgender Equality will launch the 2015 U.S. Trans Survey on August 19.

What Is Behind the Transgender Suicide Rate?

[fat_widget_right]High-profile transgender suicides continue to bring attention to the issue. Late last year, 17-year-old Leelah Alcorn walked into oncoming traffic to end her life. Her suicide note suggested that anti-transgender discrimination and forced conversion therapy played a role in her decision. Another transgender youth, M.C. Lampe, became unable to tolerate relentless bullying from peers and attempted suicide in the ninth grade. Lampe survived and was able to receive quality psychiatric care.

Bullying can often push transgender children and teens to attempt suicide. A 2011 National Center of Transgender Equality study found that 82% of transgender youth report feeling unsafe at school, with 44% experiencing physical abuse, 64% experiencing theft of their possessions, and 67% facing online bullying.

For many transgender people, bullying is only the beginning. In 2011, Injustice at Every Turn: A Report of the National Transgender Discrimination Survey found that 12% of transgender youth had been sexually assaulted in school by peers or faculty, and 22% of transgender people who reported being homeless faced assault while staying in shelters.

Promoting Transgender Acceptance

Experts consistently agree that rejection from parents and peers is a significant factor in the high transgender suicide rate. Parents and loved ones of transgender individuals can show their support by accepting a person’s stated identity, avoiding transgender stereotypes, and using a person’s chosen name and correct pronouns.

References:

1. Herskovitz, J. (2014, December 31). Suicide note of transgender Ohio teen inspires call to help others. Retrieved from http://www.reuters.com/article/2014/12/31/us-usa-ohio-transgender-idUSKBN0K918W20141231
2. Responding to transgender victims of sexual assault: the numbers. (2014, June). Retrieved from http://www.ovc.gov/pubs/forge/sexual_numbers.html
3. Transgender bullying: A national epidemic. (2014, July 13). Retrieved from http://nobullying.com/transgender-bullying/
4. Ungar, L. (2015, August 16). Transgender people face alarmingly high risk of suicide. Retrieved from http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2015/08/16/transgender-individuals-face-high-rates–suicide-attempts/31626633/

Many parents will readily admit that parenting is the most challenging job they have ever had. According to a new study published in Demography, becoming a parent may make people less happy, and that unhappiness can cause parents to avoid having more children.

This might help explain why more than 15 million American families only have one child, which accounts for an increase in one-child families in recent years, according to the United States Census Bureau.

Does Happiness Decrease After Having First Child?

Lead researchers Rachel Margolis, of the University of Western Ontario in Canada, and Mikko Myrskylä, of the Max Planck Institute for Demographic Research in Germany, theorized that pleasant experiences with a first child might inspire couples to have more kids, but a difficult transition to parenthood could discourage further family growth after one child. To test this theory, they used data from 2,301 German parents who participated in the German Socioeconomic Panel Study between 1984 and 2010.

Each year, the study asked participants to rate their happiness on a scale of 0-10. Parents also answered questions about their relationships, jobs, and childbirth experience. This allowed researchers to compare parents’ happiness two years prior to having a child, through the transition to parenthood, and up to a year after becoming parents. More than 70% of parents reported becoming unhappier after the birth of their first child. On average, they reported a 1.4-point drop in happiness compared to two years before their first child was born. More than a third saw their happiness plummet by more than 2 points.

Unhappiness was also tied to the decision to have another child. Fifty-eight percent of parents who reported a decline in happiness had a second child within 10 years, compared to 66% of parents who did not experience a decline in happiness.

[fat_widget_right]Among parents aged 30 and older and those who had at least 12 years of education, the correlation was stronger. The researchers speculate that this may be because mature, well-educated parents may be better at applying their experiences to family planning decisions. Parents with more education may also have demanding careers that make it more difficult to balance family and work obligations, but the researchers say their findings remained even after accounting for factors such as parents’ income, marital status, and place of birth.

Despite Research, People Still Have Kids for ‘Joy’

The study only tracked happiness scores a year after having children, so researchers are not sure that childrearing leads to a permanent drop in happiness. It could be that the sleepless nights usually associated with raising a newborn, coupled with the challenges of transitioning to parenthood, temporarily cause happiness to plummet.

Previous research highlights the nature of parenting, which can be stressful. A study by sociologists Kei Nomaguchi and Melissa A. Milkie found that couples who became parents did more housework and bickered more often. That same study also found that mothers were less depressed after having kids than single women without children, and that single fathers were more likely to be depressed than any other group.

No matter what the research says, many parents continue to believe parenting is a recipe for happiness. A 2010 Pew Research Center study found that 87% of parents said they became parents “for the joy of having children.” Seventy-six percent cited this joy as a key factor in the decision to have kids.

References:

1. Jayson, S. (2010, May 6). Most parents have kids for ‘joy’; to many it ‘just happened.’ Retrieved from http://usatoday30.usatoday.com/news/health/2010-05-06-whykids06_ST_N.htm
2. Senior, J. (2010, July 4). All joy and no fun. Retrieved from http://nymag.com/news/features/67024/index5.html
3. Whiteman, H. (2015, August 13). Does becoming a parent make us miserable? Retrieved from http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/298122.php

Last week, our cat died. Frodo was a stray tomcat we took in 11 years ago. We weren’t sure about his age, though we’re guessing he lived to be about 14 years old. He didn’t show any signs of illness, and while I knew he was old, I wasn’t fully prepared to get the call that he had gone to sleep and had not woken up.

Although I was very sad at his passing, I was happy that he lived a good, long life with us. I know he slipped away peacefully.

How My Daughter Took the News

I wasn’t prepared for the reaction of my 8-year-old daughter. She was in the car when I received the phone call telling me what had happened, and when I hung up, I told her. After she had expressed sadness, she began asking when we could get another cat. I had to tell her several times that this was something I couldn’t talk about now because I was really sad.

[fat_widget_right]We had been talking for months that sooner or later one of our many animals was going to pass away. I wanted to prepare her. I think I also wanted to prepare myself for her reaction.

When she was two years old, my daughter drew a face on a balloon. When she accidentally let go of it, she sobbed herself to sleep. I expected her reaction to losing a cat would be greater than that. It wasn’t.

A Child’s Grief

Losing a pet is often the first experience of grief a child has. Give them the space and permission to work through it on their own terms, but with your love and support. Talk to them about how it felt when you were a child and lost an animal you loved.When it was time, my daughter created an elaborate funeral procession and burial for Frodo. She took comfort in making sure his grave was decorated with flowers, and she shed a few tears throughout the process. And that was okay.

Just like every adult grieves differently for each death, each child grieves differently for each loss. The way a child mourns a beloved pet at the age of four may change dramatically when he or she reaches the age of ten.

As a parent, you may feel uncomfortable talking about loss. You may get uncomfortable with how your child is behaving. Some kids want to immediately replace the pet, and others refuse to consider it. One child may not cry at all in front of you but will cry silently at night. Another child will talk about their pet endlessly and cry constantly for days.

As a parent, there are things you can do to help your child manage their sadness when their pet dies:

• Allow them to grieve in their own way, even if it’s not how you grieve. They may want to do an elaborate funeral or they may not want to do anything to remember their pet. Give them the freedom to mourn in a way that feels right for them.
• Expect delayed grief. Some children, especially younger ones, don’t fully understand what death means. The finality of it can be hard to comprehend and accept. They may seem calm until something triggers a memory.
• Give yourself space to grieve the loss. It’s absolutely OK to give yourself privacy and time to mourn.
• Talk about the pet you lost. Talk about the wonderful memories you have. Express your own sadness to your child and ask how they feel about it.
• Listen to them. Listen to them talk about the pet who died, about what they miss, or about wanting another pet to replace the one that passed away.
• Be careful with the words you use with young children. Telling your son that you “put Fido to sleep so he’s not hurting anymore” can cause fear or confusion. Do your best to explain the decision to euthanize a pet that is in great pain.
• Expect uncomfortable questions. When we thought we might have to euthanize one of our pets, my daughter asked if we do that to people. Children may question what happens to their pet when they die, or if they’ll ever see them again.

Losing a pet is often the first experience of grief a child has. Give them the space and permission to work through it on their own terms, but with your love and support. Talk to them about how it felt when you were a child and lost an animal you loved. Above all, let them know that the intense sadness they feel now won’t last forever.

Gifted children may be at a higher risk for being bullied than their more neurotypical peers. The risk factors for bullying victims are similar to many traits prevalent within the intellectually gifted population.

Risk Factors for Bullying

First, let’s look at the risk factors for being bullied. According to StopBullying.gov, a website managed by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, children are more likely to be bullied when:

• They are perceived as different from their peers, such as being overweight or underweight, wearing glasses, being new to school, or otherwise considered “uncool.”
• They are perceived as weak or unable to defend themselves.
• They are depressed, anxious, or have low self-esteem.
• They do not get along well with others, or are seen as annoying or provoking, or antagonize others for attention.
• They are less popular than others and have few friends.

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Bullying in Gifted Children

Now, let’s compare the risk factors above to some of the attributes commonly found in gifted children.

Gifted children are usually perceived as different from their peers. They often stand out as “quirky,” “strange,” or “weird,” and they may have unusual interests for their age (such as a 7-year-old who seems obsessed with DNA sequencing). Even gifted children often feel that they’re different and may separate or isolate themselves because of this.

Depression, anxiety, or low self-esteem are also risk factors. Gifted individuals are more often diagnosed with depression and/or anxiety than the general population, elevating their risk of being bullied.

Gifted children may have trouble getting along well with others, or can be seen as annoying or provoking. They might even antagonize others, though not necessarily for attention. In addition, sensory processing issues are prevalent in the gifted population, and responding to excessive (or insufficient) stimuli can be seen as annoying or antagonizing to others.

Twice-exceptional children are described as both gifted and coping with special needs. The special need is usually a type of disability, such as a learning disorder (such as dyslexia or dysgraphia) or a mental health condition (such as attention-deficit hyperactivity/ADHD, depression, or anxiety). This population displays traits that have multiple commonalities with the risk factors for bullying, such as feeling anxious, appearing to be weak (and thus not capable of self-defense), or being annoying, different, or simply viewed as “not cool.”

Parental Involvement Makes a Difference

Parents often feel helpless when they realize their children have experienced bullying. However, being empowered to address bullying is not only excellent modeling, it means you can change the situation. Parental involvement is essential when supporting a gifted child to end bullying.

If your instincts are telling you that your child might be bullied, it’s time to ask some questions.

First, you need to recognize when bullying is a problem. If your instincts are telling you your child might be experiencing bullying, it’s time to ask some questions. For parents who need more than a gut feeling, you will have to both pay attention and have frank conversations.

Not all children show obvious signs that they have been bullied, and if a gifted child doesn’t want you to know something, then they may utilize their intellect to creatively hide the impact of bullying or distract you from asking about it.

Bullying is not typically something a child wants to bring up, nor will they necessarily know how to talk about it. This might be especially true for a tween or younger child.

Is Your Child Being Bullied?

Identification is the first step. Signs that bullying might be a problem include:

• Isolation, avoiding social situations (including play dates), spending time with friends.
• Faking illness in order to avoid school or social activities.
• Showing signs of stress, including a reduced passion for primary interests, headaches, stomach aches, appetite changes, or irritability.
• Being more hungry than usual due to missing lunches or snacks (or eating greater amounts as a way to cope with stress).
• Cuts, bruises, or other injuries that can’t be explained (or your child’s explanation doesn’t make sense).
• Losing personal items, including jackets (or other clothing), school supplies, toys, electronics, or even jewelry.
• Sleep problems, including nightmares.
• Signs of reduced self-esteem, despondency, anxiety, depression, or self-harm.
• Attempts to run away.

5 Steps to Mitigate the Impact of Bullying

Follow these steps to help diminish the effects of bullying:

1. Help your child to develop a stronger self-concept and better self-understanding. This will help to counter the damaging effects that bullying can have on self-esteem.
2. Use both modeling and scaffolding to teach your child to recognize their strengths and positive traits. Most children don’t know or recognize many of their strengths, and gifted children are no exception.
3. Point out positive traits. This is different than praise. Simply describe their strength, such as, “You are a boy who enjoys building complex creations out of Legos.” Even if your child dismisses your words, hearing about one’s own strengths has a lasting, positive effect and increases resiliency.
4. Teach your child self-compassion. To be kind to oneself is essential to healing from bullying. A good way to teach self-compassion is to model it.
5. Get support when appropriate. It’s both OK and important to seek professional help if a bullying problem doesn’t subside or worsens.

Reference:

Risk Factors. (n.d.). StopBullying.gov. Retrieved from http://www.stopbullying.gov/at-risk/factors

“Self-injury is an expression of acute psychological distress. It is an act done to oneself, by oneself, with the intention of helping oneself rather than killing oneself. Paradoxically, damage is done to the body in an attempt to preserve the integrity of the mind.” —Sutton and Martinson, 2003

Self-injury is a serious phenomenon that affects millions of adolescents. Current prevalence estimates of non-suicidal self-injury (NSSI) among middle school and high school students range from 15% to 20%, and some studies estimate rates even higher than that.

It can be difficult for family members, friends, and even professionals to understand what causes young people to hurt themselves, or to know how to respond. Discovering that a child or adolescent is engaging in self-harming behaviors can be frightening. It is not uncommon to feel panic, worry, or even disgust when you suspect or discover this type of behavior. Having accurate information is an important first step for parents, teachers, and other helping professionals who may be the first line of defense when adolescents engage in non-suicidal self-injury.

What’s the Difference Between Self-Injury and a Suicide Attempt?

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Non-suicidal self-injury (NSSI) describes the intentional injury to or destruction of one’s own body tissue, most commonly through cutting, burning, or self-hitting. Sometimes parents wonder if cutting and other self-harming behaviors are simply a cry for attention. If that’s true and someone needs attention that badly, then I can’t imagine a more appropriate response than to give it. Instead of looking at it as a bid for attention, though, try thinking of it as an attempt at communication.

Cutting and other forms of self-harm should always be taken seriously. Most individuals who engage in non-suicidal self-injury do so in secret and go to great lengths to hide the behavior from others. Most often, NSSI is performed as a way to regulate or modulate strong, painful emotions. Sometimes, NSSI is also described as a way for individuals who feel numb to “feel alive.”

NSSI should not be construed as a failed suicide attempt. NSSI is an attempt to live with or manage painful feelings—unlike suicide, which attempts to permanently end pain by ending one’s life.

NSSI should not be construed as a failed suicide attempt. NSSI is an attempt to live with or manage painful feelings—unlike suicide, which attempts to permanently end pain by ending one’s life. It is important to note, however, that although they serve different functions, NSSI is associated with an increased risk of future suicide attempts, and therefore should never be taken lightly.

Signs to Watch For

It is important for parents, teachers, and other helping professionals to learn to recognize the signs and symptoms of self-injury. A few things to watch for include: wearing long sleeves even when it is hot outside; a pressing desire for a lot of time alone; and, of course, unexplained, or suspicious cuts, burns, or bruises.

Sometimes, individuals who engage in self-harming behaviors may appear to be clumsy or have frequent accidents, and use these incidents to explain self-inflicted injuries. Adolescents who experience depression or anxiety, have difficulty solving problems, or who tend to feel things deeply may have an increased risk of turning to NSSI as a method of coping.

What to Do If Your Child Is Cutting

How you respond matters! If you suspect or discover that your child is cutting or engaging in other self-harming behaviors, it is important to seek help from a qualified mental health professional. A professional will begin with an assessment and may recommend family or individual therapy, or a combination of both.

Early intervention is best, so don’t wait to get help. Treatment can be effective at both reducing the behaviors and addressing painful emotions.

Reference:

Sutton, J., & Martinson, D. (2003). Because I hurt: Understanding self-injury & healing the hurt. Oxford: How To Books.

A happy event though it is, integrating a new baby into the family is a huge transition. It’s a huge transition for Mom and Dad, of course, but it’s also a huge transition for older children in the family.

The dynamic of the whole family changes when a new baby arrives. The arrival of a new baby can be one of the most traumatic events in a child’s life. It is a significant transition that must be handled with compassion and empathy, lest you risk harming his or her self-worth and sense of security. The integration of a new baby into the family can create an emotional crisis for children. Therefore, children need the assurance of their parents’ love more than ever.

It is completely normal for children to experience jealousy once a new baby arrives, even if the children are excited about having a new baby in the house. The reality is that children will have to adjust to the shift in the amount of attention they receive from their parents. Children may experience this shift as a loss that they grieve. How children adjust to a new baby depends on their temperament and the ease of the transition of integrating the new baby into the family. The goal for parents is to help children manage their jealousy so that, sooner rather than later, love for the new baby can take over.

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The integration of a new baby tends to be most difficult for children 18 months to three years. Children younger than that aren’t as aware, and children older than that typically have other things distracting them. When the time comes for the baby to arrive, parents need to ensure that children do not feel abandoned. Having Mommy go away to the hospital can be traumatic if the children are on the younger side and don’t understand why she left, which may make it more difficult to accept the new addition to the family once the baby is brought home.

It is best to start preparing children for the new arrival before the baby even arrives. The goal is to help children feel connected to the baby and to become enthusiastic about its arrival.

Strategies for Helping Children Embrace a New Sibling

The following are some strategies parents can use to help children adjust to a new sibling:

• Be willing to validate children’s unhappy feelings. Acknowledge the frustration children may feel when a new baby arrives. By acknowledging the challenging parts, children won’t feel the need to bury or suppress their feelings, which is often at the root of misbehavior.
• Focus on what hasn’t changed. Even if they’re exhausted, parents should try to sustain whatever rituals have been established with their children.
• Don’t pressure children into “loving” their new sibling or being a “good big brother/sister.” If children are given time to adjust, they will have more room to bond naturally.
• Offer children the chance to be alone with each parent. One-on-one time with one parent may make less attention from the other more tolerable and remind children that they are still special.
• Create opportunities for children to be recognized. Tell others within earshot how helpful it is when they carry the diaper bag or get the baby powder. Also, remind children how lucky the baby is to have them for an older sibling.
• Recruit help. Enlist the help of a person the child likes or family members to spend time with the children and offer extra time and attention.
• When children are emotionally charged, process big feelings. Regardless of the reason they are upset, the opportunity to express their feelings (crying, yelling, etc.) and be comforted by a parent will help them adjust.

Patiently allowing the time needed for children to adjust to the arrival of a new baby, and providing love and emotional support of their feelings, will help children to recognize that their feelings are accepted and understood. As a result, children may be more likely to accept the arrival of a new sibling and view it as a joyful event.