Rear view photo of parent and child sitting on porch having conversationIn our first session, Isabel, an agitated newcomer to therapy, declared: “I can’t stand it when Molly is upset about anything. For 16 years, it’s been my job to keep her happy and make sure nothing interferes with her always feeling good about herself. I get anxious when she’s anxious, and I work very hard to make sure her bad feelings go away. I don’t feel like a good mother unless I make sure Molly never has uncomfortable feelings.”

At first glance, it’s easy to conclude that Isabel’s comment is the expression of a parent who wants to see their child grow up to be a happy, self-confident person. Indeed, Isabel is dedicated to raising Molly to become a person with high self-regard and the ability to have successful relationships and positive feelings about life. While this is a laudable goal, Isabel’s method for helping Molly attain it is flawed.

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Isabel’s statement captures the viewpoint of many parents who believe good parenting means never letting their child have intolerable feelings. This raises questions about the consequences for children of parents such as Isabel. I am going to explore this parenting experience and look at the potential impact on the children when parents smooth over or facilitate the avoidance of anxieties and other uncomfortable emotions.

Developing Competence with Uncomfortable Feelings

From childhood through adulthood, the ability to tolerate uncomfortable and unwanted feelings is essential for negotiating every kind of relationship. If we learn early on that we have the wherewithal to get through situations that make us uneasy, anxious, unhappy, angry, etc., we are in a good position to manage our lives. This is learned through repeated encounters with these feelings, the successes and failures of dealing with them, and finally the experience of oneself as competent to manage.

By running interference for uncomfortable feelings, Isabel has been depriving Molly of developing her capacity to regulate her own emotions by feeling them and developing comfort with them. This constricts Molly’s ability to relate and leaves her without the necessary experiences that promote resilience and competence with her anxieties. Instead, she must find ways to defend against these unwanted feeling states and/or remain dependent on others to make them tolerable.

The Dance of Anxiety

Isabel has lived her life avoiding her own difficult feelings and now is devoted to protecting Molly from unwanted emotions. For Isabel, Molly’s discomfort or unhappiness is not simply a painful affect that they both must endure; rather, it is a signal that she is failing at her job of mothering. This signal creates intolerable anxieties for Isabel which, along with Molly’s uncomfortable feelings, must be eliminated. The need to protect herself and Molly from such unwanted feelings has become a central dynamic of her mothering.

The difficult issue for both Molly and Isabel is they both require the absence of anxiety. But each makes the other anxious. Molly has been a participant in this mother-daughter dynamic for most of her 16 years. The awareness that her anxiety makes her mother anxious makes her more anxious. This creates the (often unconscious) dilemma of how to both make her mother comfortable and get rid of her own anxiety. As a result, there is a dance of anxiety in which each partner attempts, but often fails, to self-regulate and simultaneously regulate the other.

In our work together, Isabel has come to understand that her anxiety over Molly’s emotional state has created problems for their relationship:

“I know I have to stop constantly taking her emotional temperature,” Isabel said. “Things between us are not so good. She’s getting older and I can see that she has a lot of anxiety about herself and her life. In the past few months, we’ve started fighting. It’s crazy-making. Either she yells at me that I’m controlling her and that I should butt out of her life or she comes to me in an agitated state and needs to be talked off a ledge about something. The thing is, I do help her and then we have a respite and I’m the good mother again and she seems happy—and I am too.”

I asked Isabel what she thought about Molly’s recent confrontational behaviors. She sighed a large sigh and responded:

When one is deprived of learning to cope with uncomfortable feelings, it is likely that compensatory strategies for dealing with discomfort with others are developed. Relationships must be constructed to elicit positive reactions and avoid creating unwanted feelings. This limits relational possibilities and requires (consciously and unconsciously) the concealing of one’s authentic thoughts and feelings.

“Well, you and I have been talking for some time now and I get that my anxiety over Molly’s feeling states hasn’t given her tools to grow up or take risks and learn that she’s capable of taking care of herself. I know in my head it’s a good thing for Molly that she can assert herself with me. She’s been so dependent on me and I don’t like to admit that I like that. But I can still get scared when she is upset. When she confronts me, I know she is having emotions that are too much for her. I feel so guilty that I become like the scared child I was with my parents and I do whatever she wants so she won’t be upset with me.”

What Isabel is describing captures two important issues that her behavior with Molly has impacted:

1. Limit setting: Because she can’t tolerate Molly’s unhappiness, Isabel has been unable to set limits for Molly when she experiences Molly’s unhappiness or displeasure with a limit. For example, when Molly gets angry at something Isabel asserts, Isabel can’t manage her own feelings and quickly gives in to make both their bad feelings disappear.

When there are no limits or when the child has too much power or control, she may become frightened (often unconsciously) with being given so much sway over a parent. Feelings of safety and being taken care of are compromised when the caretakers are not in control. Without a safe base growing up, independent actions and thoughts become risky, impeding the process of separation/individuation.

2. Dependency: Difficulties in future relationships are likely as Molly has not learned to self-regulate and has come to rely on significant others to maintain her positive emotional equilibrium, often at the cost of not knowing her own mind.

Relationships are dominated by the need to avoid intolerable feelings. In order to guarantee that others are pleased and no one has unwanted feelings, consideration and knowledge of what one wants is surrendered to others. There is a need to be agreeable, have no differing or opposing thoughts and feelings, and, in general, control the feelings of others to ensure everyone’s happy, satisfied feelings. This creates dependence on others for reassurance and approval of wishes, desires, and choices.

Anxiety About Anxiety

When one is deprived of learning to cope with uncomfortable feelings, it is likely that compensatory strategies for dealing with discomfort with others are developed. Relationships must be constructed to elicit positive reactions and avoid creating unwanted feelings. This limits relational possibilities and requires (consciously and unconsciously) the concealing of one’s authentic thoughts and feelings. In situations where the upset is so unbearable, the need to protect oneself may require hiding these feelings from one’s own conscious awareness, causing dissociation in the service of managing the feelings that emerge in interaction with others.

The dilemma of how to stay anxiety-free may lead Molly to become dependent on her mother for assurances that her life decisions are acceptable and will not create anxiety for either one. If she hands over this process to her mother, she will not develop the ability to regulate her own feelings and she will deprive herself of developing an identity separate from her mother: who she is and what she wants will be determined by the guideline of safety first—no intolerable feelings, not for Molly and not for her mother. It can become unclear who is taking care of whom. If Molly begins to feel trapped by this situation, she may also choose to deal with her discomfort and her mother’s anxiety by detaching from or rejecting her mother. For Molly, both dissociation and detachment would result in disconnection from herself.

Isabel could also deal with her anxiety by dissociating or detaching from Molly. This implies that, for the most part, her feelings about Molly would be largely on hold. While a parent could unconsciously solve the anxiety dance by unconsciously opting to anesthetize themselves, it is hard to imagine that Isabel would, under any circumstances, become so emotionally disconnected from Molly.

Isabel and I have been working on a strategy that requires conscious cooperation with herself. We have been talking about how she can reframe her “bad mother” thoughts to understand that allowing Molly to have her uncomfortable feelings is an act of good mothering that enables Molly to develop the skills to regulate her own feelings. Isabel intellectually understands that she and Molly need to be less dependent on each other for maintaining comfortable feeling states. She also recognizes she is in a symbiotic relationship with Molly that keeps Molly from being able to reflect about her own life and learn about her own wants and needs.

It is painful for Isabel to move beyond her intellectual understanding of her impact on Molly:

“I just don’t know if I can get there. I want to be able to feel like a good mother when I stand by and don’t soothe and reassure Molly. But it’s scary when I’m aware I did something that upsets her and I don’t jump in and make it okay. I’ve been trying, and she seems more anxious and she gets angry at me, which is horrible. I keep telling myself that she has to learn that she can take care of her own feelings. I tell myself she is not responsible to make me feel good. I tell myself over and over. I’m beginning to hear myself, but it’s so, so, so hard to listen to myself. But I do know I have to do this for Molly, even if it seems I’m hurting her. I hope you will stay with me while I keep trying.”

I will.

Note: To protect privacy, names in the preceding article have been changed and the dialogues described are a composite.

Young person with long hair sits on ground, eyes closed, calm expression on facePsychotherapy is swiftly changing, as are the people we serve. One new element is what we are learning in areas of trauma resolution, particularly methods similar to Somatic Experiencing®, focalizing, eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), and sensorimotor psychotherapy. A new world of healing is surely upon us—and it is a breath of fresh air.

There’s a shift from the archeological digs of psychoanalysis and cognitive techniques where, in my experience, depression and anxiety often linger and remain unresolved. Although these techniques have been and continue to be helpful, they may not be as effective as newer methods of going within the body. These newer approaches transcend talk therapy, inducing new felt-body experiences that help resolve habitual stress and anxiety.

These graceful naturopathic processes can help us become aware of the separation of the mind (as a tool of execution) and the body and heart as an access to aliveness and well-being. Our minds are a creative tool of execution, yet they are also a reservoir of past conditioned thinking (often wrong, harsh, punishing, and outdated). They tend to regurgitate and ruminate old news from in our heads, “head noises,” if you will, that can make us believe they are who we are. We’ve been conditioned to listen to these noises as they build (or collapse) the worlds we live in today, but still, I find this ludicrous. These regurgitated thinking patterns can often lead us to feel like we are imprisoned and can be major contributing factors in the development of depression and anxiety. [fat_widget_right]

Considering New Possibilities

New possibilities, especially those inspired by the life force that comes from the innate intelligence in our heart, bodies and nature may be helpful at diminishing or silencing these head noises. I lovingly refer to this as a Greek chorus (voices of judgment, voices of cynicism, and voices of fear). Until we learn to befriend them as natural parts of our being and understand how they have been programmed by earlier life events, they may hinder our growth, development, and even typical function. If the chorus never stops, indeed if it runs our lives, it will continue to block assess to our innate wisdom. Our minds know nothing of the future and lack the comprehension of love, multidimensionality, or the nuances of our present realities–this is the domain of the heart and soul.

The body has innate intelligence and grounding in nature, and once we become skilled at accessing our inner wisdom, we may be able to awaken an impressively wiser aptitude, which can allow our hearts and nature to provide an organic inner compass for our next best step(s) forward. As we experience this felt sense of grounding and ability for self-regulation, we may be able to become better custodians of our minds and more equipped to manage the head-noise of conditioned thinking that often produces so much stress and anxiety.

As I’ve heard in yoga practice, you are not your mind. You are not the Greek chorus.

The body has innate intelligence and grounding in nature, and once we become skilled at accessing our inner wisdom, we may be able to awaken an impressively wiser aptitude, which can allow our hearts and nature to provide an organic inner compass for our next best step(s) forward.

Many find these techniques easy to learn, even if it is less easy to adequately put them into the mind’s language of words. Exposure to these techniques may help free us from the entanglements that are wrapped around our potential to receive and experience more from life, such as contentment and joyful moments. This new learning simply teaches us the experience, practice and provides a takeaway proficiency of how befriending our head-noise can manage and reduce stress and anxiety. These somatic, whole-body approaches are often studied through workshops or one-on-one experiences with a trained facilitator.

Here’s a short exercise that can help you start the process of befriending head noise and becoming what I call a “curious observer.” Since it involves closing your eyes, you may wish to read through each of the steps before beginning.

This is the beginning of what focalizing techniques can bring to people seeking help. Focalizing can serve as a starting point that snowballs into meaningful and lasting healing after only a few sessions. As we become a curious observer to our head noise, we connect with a part of ourselves that is beyond conditioned thinking. With this new connection, we may no longer rely on replicating the solutions of the past. Instead, we are likely to find ourselves newly equipped to innovate and find graceful solutions that better address the present circumstances.

A woman sits on a cushion surrounded by tea lights, meditatingWhen people call my office looking for relief from their anxiety, I explain that we all experience anxiety from time to time because our bodies are wired for it. It’s a neurobiological response that we inherited from our ancestors long, long ago. It’s about safety. It’s unlikely it will go away with a few tools or strategies.

Anxiety peaks when we perceive danger. That danger could be concrete, like being in the path of a dangerous hurricane, where the risk of losing your property or your life is very real. Or the danger you sense might be less clear. Maybe someone’s voice, a smell, or a song brings up uncomfortable feelings, leaving you feeling anxious. You might be able to pinpoint what made you fearful and anxious, but sometimes you get anxious and don’t know why. When this happens, it’s probably because an implicit memory has surfaced.

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What Are Implicit Memories?

Implicit memories are memories that are stored in our unconscious. Most of the time, we’re not aware of them. They’re usually triggered by something in our environment—a smell, a taste or sound, the way something feels in our hands or under our feet, or the way something looks. When they surface, our bodies react to the potential danger. We feel anxious but we’re not sure why. We might feel like our anxiety came out of nowhere. What really happened was the body sensed a danger that was buried deep in our unconscious memory.

So, how do we manage anxiety that is sparked by something we aren’t fully aware of? First of all, it’s important to keep in mind that anxiety serves a purpose. It alerts us to danger so we can protect ourselves. That’s why it’s not going to go away altogether. If we can be okay with the fact we will always have some anxiety, we can start to work toward managing anxiety when it feels out of our control.

Be Curious About Your Anxiety

Before you begin, know it’s important to take care of yourself while you explore what’s happening. Take some slow, deep breaths; drink a cup of tea; get out your essential oils and diffuse them. Burn incense or a candle that smells good and be sure you’re in a place that’s comfortable and safe.

The first step is to be curious about how your anxiety shows up. At first, try exploring how your body feels when you’re not anxious. As you get to know your body’s reactions to stress, you’ll start to become aware that your body tells you when your anxiety is ramping up.

Next, you’ll want to pay attention to how your body talks to you. You might ask yourself:

Acknowledging that your anxiety will surface from time to time, sometimes for what seems like no reason at all, gives you permission to be with it and to be curious about it when it shows up.

The next step is to dig deep into what happens in your head. Your views about what’s going on can affect how you react when you’re stressed or anxious. If you assume the worst, you’re probably going to feel anxious. That’s why it’s important to be curious about how you interpret things happening to you or around you. Ask yourself, “What am I thinking right now? What meaning am I making around this event?”

If an implicit memory triggered your anxiety, your body will feel like it’s actually in the past, at the time the memory formed. You want to bring yourself back to the here-and-now. To do that, take a look around and name a few things you can see hear, smell, or touch. This is called “grounding.”

Lastly, explore how your physical reactions and your thoughts about the anxiety make you feel. Research has shown that naming feelings can help ease intense, difficult emotions. Naming emotions reduces activity in the part of the brain that senses danger, and activates the part that promotes problem-solving and curiosity. Try to pinpoint the feeling with your description. Instead of saying you’re happy or sad, you might say you’re feeling elated or rejected.

Offer Yourself Compassion

It’s really important not to judge yourself when you investigate your anxiety. If you can, just note what’s going on and respond with curiosity. Ask yourself how you would respond if a friend were experiencing the same thing. Can you offer yourself that same compassion?

Bring Anxiety Out Into the Open

Do you see what’s happening here? Instead of pushing the anxiety away, yelling at yourself for being anxious, or trying to ignore the feeling, you’re leaning into it. You’re beginning to get to know it better, you’re approaching it with some compassion, and you’re allowing it to be there while you investigate. As you go through this process, you might find the anxiety begins to lessen. Anxiety loves secrets and hiding, so bringing it out into the open can reduce its power.

Acknowledging that your anxiety will surface from time to time, sometimes for what seems like no reason at all, gives you permission to be with it and to be curious about it when it shows up.

Reference:

University of California-Los Angeles. (2007, June 22). Putting Feelings Into Words Produces Therapeutic Effects In The Brain. ScienceDaily. Retrieved from https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/06/070622090727.htm

Meditation and yoga practice by lake at sunriseAlways too bothered about what others thought—that was me, for the longest time. I would waste hours worrying about things that did not need so much consideration. Isolating myself from people did not help, as avoiding others only made me more anxious. The fear of not being able to meet people’s expectations was eating at me from within. I would panic at the thought of someday having a heart attack due to all the stress.

Some days anxiety affected me so much I became unpleasant to be around, and many people felt it was difficult to deal with me. You might wonder, how much worse could it be? But my anxiety was not just a general feeling of fear or panic. It was a heightened state of nervousness and fear, which would escalate to the point where I would start feeling short of breath. I had to deal with it somehow.

Addressing My Anxiety: The Beginning

One day, I slammed onto the floor, clasping my shirt, panting heavily, trying to catch my breath. I knew it—I was having a panic attack. The reason? Nothing that complicated, just a simple misunderstanding at work that caused an issue that wasn’t as major as it appeared to be. When things did not go my way, I often became loud and hasty, trying to prove my point, to the extent that I often became shaky and nervous. [fat_widget_right]

Why did these things affect me so much? I started zoning myself out, trying to maintain a clear distance from people because I assumed they were causing me to react this way. My anxiety led me to pull away from people and began to ruin my relationships, which became either heated and filled with arguments and fights or just silence and awkwardness. I felt like my work stress was ruining my life.

However, as it turns out, it wasn’t the work. It was me. Every small detail that caught my attention had to be perfect, and that need to be perfect was stressing me out. I was tired of not being able to enjoy things like everybody else seemed to. I did not want to keep ruining outings with my paranoia. I knew it wasn’t necessary to always perform well in whatever I did, that it was all right to have mishaps and pitfalls—but I had to go beyond knowing. I had to live this.

Once I had the willingness to change the way things were in my life, the desire to take this step to try and heal this illness of mine before it became worse, I could commit to my recovery, knowing there was no turning back. But even though I’d decided to address my anxiety, I knew change would not happen overnight. It was going to take some time. When I received help and support from those dear to me, I was touched, and I began to realize things did not have to be as bad as they seemed.

The following are a few of the steps I took on my path to eliminate anxiety.

1. Resist the urge to overexplain.

As I was often too anxious about what others thought of me, I put too much effort into trying to explain myself to people. I discovered I often went too far and said too much. When I finally learned it was not necessary for me to offer so many details, I was able to work on this by limiting myself in conversation. Doing this helped me begin to feel much better. I realized I was wasting mental energy when I overexplained, and this often led to my becoming emotional. Trimming my explanations helped me become more at peace.

I was tired of not being able to enjoy things like everybody else seemed to. I did not want to keep ruining outings with my paranoia. I knew it wasn’t necessary to always perform well in whatever I did, that it was all right to have mishaps and pitfalls—but I had to go beyond knowing. I had to live this.

2. Have more self-appreciation.

Being anxious was one major thing that often dragged me down and contributed to my low mood and energy. I believe it is important to feel proud of even little accomplishments, but I did not do that, which was why I was miserable. No matter what, or how much, I did, I felt like it wasn’t enough.

Anxiety often made me feel self-conscious, and it also brought me down. I was feeling worthless all the time, but when I started praising myself more, I began to take pride in my achievements. I knew then that I was making progress.

3. Find effective coping methods.

We often turn to bad habits to cope with problems and challenges in our life. Many people, myself included, might drink alcohol or take up smoking in order to cope with anxiety. Others might self-isolate. But these methods proved to be ineffective for me, so I instead began to turn to activities that let me improve my mental and physical skills. I began practicing yoga and meditation. These activities not only helped me develop better self-control, they had a spiritual effect that was quite invaluable for me. Music was another method that helped me manage my anxiety to a large extent.

In general, I discovered finding things to do that helped keep my mind in a peaceful state was a good strategy for dealing with anxiety. The coping methods that worked for me also allowed me to strengthen my mental ability, which helped me overcome my anxiety. It’s important to remember, though, that not every method works for every person. What really helps one individual might provide little relief for another.

4. Change to (and maintain!) a more flexible mindset.

One thing I found to have a severe impact on my anxiety issues was my rigid, inflexible mindset. I had to learn (and reinforce) the idea that it was all right if things were not always perfect. Even if something didn’t go my way, I could still take a breather and take it easy. Of course, I still find it helpful to have a process and follow it, but once in a while, I think it’s good for everyone to change things up a bit.

Developing a more flexible mindset helped me not fixate on small mistakes. I became calmer overall and began to get stressed out less frequently. When I began to let things go the way they would naturally, I found it easier to avoid handling things in a mechanical way.

5. Eliminate anxiety through visualization.

Eliminating my anxiety began by facing and fighting my triggers instead of fearing them. Once I started visualizing myself as a calmer person, I began to feel like one. When I stopped being fearful and started to adapt to the situation I was placed in, things started to settle down. To expel the negativity in my head, I began to fill my mind with positive thoughts, and this greatly impacted me.

My journey through anxiety wasn’t an easy one, but these journeys aren’t usually easy. There are no miracles that can get rid of mental health challenges overnight. What mattered for me was my persistence to be committed and work on my well-being continuously.

Taking steps to address my anxiety helped me find great relief. It seemed difficult until I tried to face it, but doing so helped my life improve, personally and professionally. There is no more suffocation in my chest, and the skies seem clearer now.

If you are struggling with anxiety, consider seeking the help of a qualified and compassionate professional who can help you identify and address symptoms of anxiety.

Nisha has a passion for writing and loves the idea of sharing her thoughts with others who may be helped by them. She has written many articles on yoga, fitness, wellness, remedies, and beauty. 

Three people with pink shirts embrace outdoors. Rear view photoMost people would agree the media today is inundated with unrealistic portrayals of women’s bodies. Because of practices such as choosing primarily thin, young, white women to sell products and using Photoshop to erase natural “flaws” and “imperfections,” to name a few, we are not exposed to a diverse (one might also say realistic) array of people. Consequently, generations of people grow up believing their appearance is inferior because it is not widely represented or considered to be “ideal.”

In my practice, I frequently work with women who are struggling with anxiety. Concerns related to weight and body image almost always come up as a contributing fact—in no small part, I believe, due to the media messages regarding the “ideal” body. Many people today have a tremendous fear of being judged for weight gain or their size. Fears and insecurities surrounding the body may take many forms. Some may fear being passed up for promotions or being looked down on at work due to weight stigma or sizeist stereotypes. Other individuals might fear never having a romantic relationship because potential love interests consider their size unacceptable.

Fears contributing to general feelings of anxiety may not always be rational, but unfortunately, weight stigma is a real concern in our society. The size-based discrimination and prejudice many people experience is likely to contributes to or exacerbate feelings of anxiety, depression, and other mental health challenges. Thus, these feelings of anxiety in particular may be more difficult to address. Further complications often result when, in an effort to achieve what societal messages suggest to be an “ideal” body, people develop unhealthy relationships with food and their bodies to achieve this ideal. [fat_widget_right]

From one fad diet to the next, the message is often the same: restricting food and ignoring the body’s natural hunger cues will lead to perfection. Instagram and other social media platforms are filled with pictures of plates of vegetables and videos of workouts meant to inspire. Whether a diet is low-fat, low-carb, or sugar-free, it does not often promote the development of a healthy relationship with all foods.

Take the current trend of clean eating as an example. Clean eating moralizes and judges foods by designating some as “clean” (and therefore acceptable to eat) and implying that consuming foods not considered clean results in the ingestion of dirty or toxic substances. Cleanses, or highly restrictive fasts meant to rid the body of perceived impurities, are increasingly popular, and people talk about “cheat days” as if they are committing a crime by eating sweets or processed foods. It is common to see posts in which people apologize for eating “unclean” foods or say they are being “bad” for eating them.

Clean eating has become prevalent enough that the term orthorexia nervosa was developed to help describe it when taken to an extreme. Though orthorexia is not currently listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, it bears similarities to other eating disorders. People with symptoms of orthorexia are often so fixated on living a “clean life” that they restrict their food intake to certain items and exercise excessively for purported health reasons. This fixation can have a serious impact on a person’s mental and emotional well-being as well as their physical health and social life.

This may seem like a radical idea, but you are perfect just the way you are, regardless of your size. Your worth is not determined by a number on the scale or a size of clothing. Focus on the beauty and strength you find in yourself and build on those aspects.

Of course, there is nothing wrong with wanting to include nutritious foods into our diets or making sure we exercise to keep our heart and bodies healthy. But somewhere along the line, eating became an act that was no longer intuitive. Years of yo-yo dieting, eating on prescribed schedules, or restricting entire food groups has taken its toll on our physical and mental health, to the point where we no longer trust our own bodies to tell us what, when and how to eat. Movement and physical exercise are no longer simply enjoyable activities, but rather the means to a thin end.

So, what is the answer? How can a person combat body anxiety amid internal and external pressures and messages faced on a daily basis?

The following five ways can help you begin to let go of anxiety and become better able to practice self-love.

Start to build trust in yourself.

Instead of constantly fighting your body, learn to trust it. Intuitive Eating is a philosophy that focuses on teaching people to trust their food desires and hunger cues. Many dietitians are teaching the people they work with to listen to the body’s messages, whether they desire “good” food or “bad” food. It is often a long process, but once your body learns you will no longer restrict certain foods or allow it to go hungry, it will tell you exactly what nutrients and type of food it needs.

Embrace yourself as you are today.

So many people put off adventures, shopping, and life events because they are waiting until they reach a certain weight or body shape. Let’s instead learn to love ourselves just as we are today. This may seem like a radical idea, but you are perfect just the way you are, regardless of your size. Your worth is not determined by a number on the scale or a size of clothing. Focus on the beauty and strength you find in yourself and build on those aspects.

Know your triggers.

Just like any other form of anxiety, body anxiety can be triggered by certain words, people, or actions. Become familiar with who or what sends your anxiety about your body skyrocketing, and then develop a plan. Avoid unnecessary triggers and be prepared for those that are unavoidable.

For instance, if you avoid going to the doctor because you become anxious when you are weighed, let the staff know ahead of time that you do not plan on stepping on the scale. If you have family members who make it their business to comment on what you eat or how you look, prepare a response for them and have it ready so you are not flustered or too embarrassed to address their remarks. By taking these actions you can be more proactive in reducing your anxiety.

Change your feed, not your food.

It can feel overwhelming when you are constantly confronted with images of the “ideal” body type or when all you seem to see in your social media feeds are posts about diets and weight loss. But remember, you have the right to remove anything that feels shaming (this includes people who make you feel ashamed!) from your social media feed and replace them with people and messages that inspire you to love yourself just as you are. Consider following body acceptance advocates and people who demonstrate that fitness and self-love do not come in the form of one body shape, size, color, or age. Doing this can help you feel more positive and inspired when you look at Instagram and other social media apps.

Find the right therapist.

If you are seeking help to change the way you perceive your body and reduce body anxiety, the right therapist is essential. It is important to find a therapist who is educated about Health At Every Size (HAES), a movement that encourages people to work on their physical and mental health without focusing on body size. Therapists are people, after all, and they are not immune to the outside messages about what “health” looks like. Mental health professionals may come into sessions with their own implicit biases about weight and food, so finding a therapist who supports your journey to self-love and acceptance without making it about weight loss is instrumental as you work toward these goals.

References:

  1. Bates, L. (2014, October 14). Why is women’s body image anxiety at such devastating levels? The Guardian. Retrieved from https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/oct/14/women-body-image-anxiety-improve-body-confidence
  2. Bell, L. (2015, July 1). Body image and social anxiety. Eating Disorder Hope. Retrieved from https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/treatment-for-eating-disorders/co-occurring-dual-diagnosis/anxiety/body-image-and-social-anxiety
  3. Get the facts on eating disorders. (2016). NEDA. Retrieved from https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/get-facts-eating-disorders
  4. Kratina, K. (n.d.). Orthorexia nervosa. NEDA. Retrieved from https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/orthorexia-nervosa
  5. Multiple anxiety disorders share an elevated concern over physical appearance. (2015, November 4). Anxiety.org. Retrieved from https://www.anxiety.org/body-image-a-common-source-of-anxiety
  6. Orthorexia symptoms and effects. (n.d.). Timberline Knolls. Retrieved from http://www.timberlineknolls.com/eating-disorder/orthorexia/signs-effects/
  7. Puhl, R. (2015, December 11). Stigma and ‘fat shaming’ can fuel depression and increase obesity. WBUR. Retrieved from http://www.wbur.org/hereandnow/2015/12/11/obesity-stigma-fat-shaming

Young adult in red dress with hair pulled back sits somberly in chair with ghostly twin reaching out toward herI made a new friend.

I didn’t want to meet her. I wanted to pretend she wasn’t there, but she just wouldn’t go away. She was always with me, everywhere I went. I ignored her for months, but eventually I couldn’t ignore her any longer. So I caved.

She didn’t look anything like I thought she would. She looked normal; she looked just like me. I thought she’d be scary. I thought she’d have dark eyes and a heavy presence, that she’d be overwhelming, but she wasn’t. She was slightly darker, but otherwise almost just like me. But maybe that’s because she has been a part of me for so long now.

Our Mutual Friend

My new friend and I have a friend in common: anxiety. Anxiety and I have been friends for some time now. Anxiety stands in front of me in social situations, making it harder for people to see me. She blocks out the good parts of me and scream and yells so no one can hear me. In short, she silences me. I used to hate her, but now I’ve grown used to her and accepted her presence. She makes my life so much more difficult, yet we remain close.

Sometimes I get the better of her. When I’m feeling stronger than her, I’m able to fight her off and break through her shield. No one knows how hard that is, how much energy it takes. I can’t be social for too long, because I grow weak and she takes over again. But at least I try.

Thankfully, the more I’m around a person, the weaker she gets. It’s harder for them to see her and easier for them to see me. I like that she gets weaker the more time I spend with a person, but she doesn’t ever go away. She loves to make me second-guess myself and mess with my thoughts. I wish she’d give me a break. But instead she decided to bring another person into this: my new friend, depression.

Depression is a tricky friend–completely invisible to most other people. It seems only I can see her. She hides behind me, but she’s always hanging on. Some days she walks behind me, matching me step for step. On those days she lets me smile. She lets me love. She lets me laugh. I could almost forget she was there, if it weren’t for her hand resting on my shoulder, reminding me she’s still there.

Depression is a tricky friend–completely invisible to most other people. It seems only I can see her. She hides behind me, but she’s always hanging on. Some days she walks behind me, matching me step for step.

On other days she’s not so nice. She clings to my leg like a child gone limp, and I drag her along with every step I take. Those days I can’t smile, or laugh, or love. I can barely walk. And those are just the days. During the nights, and the moments I’m alone, she often gets the best of me. She crawls into my lap, flings her arms around my neck, and rests her head on my shoulder, trapping me. I need to make dinner, do the dishes and laundry, and … But no. I can’t get up. She won’t let me. So I sit and wait, hoping maybe she’ll fall asleep so I can pry her off me and get something done. But if I try and shift her off, she wakes up, so I remain still. I’m thankful most mornings I’m able to get out of bed before she notices, but I never know what her mood will be like, how it will change throughout the day.

What really surprised me about my new friend was how angry she makes me. It almost feels like she cut my fuse as short as she could and randomly lights it for fun. I think she enjoys my anger because it makes me more like her. When I’m angry, she’s able to feel closer to me—but I don’t want to be any closer to her.

While the anger is a curse, it was also a blessing. The anger helped me because it made my friend real and visible, instead of just an imaginary friend in my head. Anger saved me from her, because it made someone ask me about her, if she was there. I knew then I couldn’t ignore her any longer. I had to accept her, no matter how mad, or embarrassed, or broken accepting her presence made me feel. She was there, and she was visible, and she was real.

But just by accepting her, by acknowledging her existence, I felt a little bit of her move away from me. It was just the slightest movement, but it represented something major. It gave me hope that I can learn to control her.

Here to Stay?

I’ve recently accepted this new friend isn’t going anywhere either. She’s here to stay. I have to find her weaknesses, now, but she’s so new I’m sure it will take a long time.

The doctor gave me a small pill. I am unsure of how this pill will affect her, but she’s supposed to shrink when I take it. She’s supposed to let go, take a step back, and let me walk alone. Even with this pill, I don’t think she’ll ever leave me. I think she and Anxiety will still follow me everywhere I go, waiting for the chance to latch back on.

But maybe, just maybe, with this little pill, with my continuing to talk about my friends and share their existence with others, I’ll become strong enough to keep them at bay.

Nicole Kyler, Share Your Story authorNicole, recently diagnosed with anxiety and depression, wanted to share her experience to help others living with these conditions who may not realize what they are experiencing. Depression caught her by surprise, and she wants other people to know it may come in many forms and does not look the same for everyone. 

Young adult with short hair wearing jeans and button-down sits in chair and works on laptopBeing a 20-something (an age group making up part of the “millennial” category) in today’s society can, at times, contribute to high levels of stress and anxiety. Many of the young people I provide therapy to often speak of a combined sense of unease and anticipation about this period of life. If the couch in my office could speak, in fact, it would say likely say the majority of 20-somethings I work with express feeling as though they are “in limbo.”

Society tends to place high expectations on young adults. Twenty-somethings are expected to finish college and begin navigating their way through a decade filled with goals and deadlines. At times, it may seem as if a new project or life transition appears almost monthly, and people in their 20s must frequently make decisions likely to have a long-lasting impact on life—select an academic major, make decisions about post-graduate education and which school to attend, find a path to a career, find a partner, find a home, settle down, and potentially have children.

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As choices made in this stage of life may impact later life, with certain decisions potentially yielding great rewards in the future, the fear of making the wrong decision may increase a person’s sense of anxiety. Living in an era characterized by heavy use of social media may also affect anxiety levels for many individuals. The evolution of bloggers and world travelers who make money while appearing to have fun may contribute to a sense of false hope for many in their twenties. Social media status updates and photos further invite comparison, which often contributes to confusion and discontent.

The Challenges of Living at Home

The sense of being in limbo may be highlighted for some young adults who continue to live at home. Living at home can have its benefits, such as saving money. But living at home as a young adult can also increase anxiety and stress levels, decrease self-esteem, and decrease one’s sense of autonomy. It may also invite a sense of confusion regarding one’s status as an adult.

As choices made in this stage of life may impact later life, with certain decisions potentially yielding great rewards in the future, the fear of making the wrong decision may increase a person’s sense of anxiety.

“I’m not sure if I’m a kid or an adult at this point,” many of the young people I work with report. While they may be legal adults, those who live at home often find the line between respecting one’s parents and honoring one’s sense of freedom to be somewhat blurred. House or family rules may be in effect, and at times these rules may conflict with what a young person feels to be the privileges of adulthood, leading some individuals to clash with their parents.

Another frustrating aspect of living at home may be changes in the expectations young adults have of their parents. Young adults may need their parents to take on the role of a mentor, looking for them to provide guidance more than anything else. Finding the right balance can be challenging for young adults and their parents alike.

Uncertain Independence

Many assume, based on patterns from decades past, a typical 20-something to be someone who has moved out of their parents’ house and is actively practicing independence. In today’s economy, however, it is often challenging, if not outright difficult, for many young adults to move out and start life on their own. Thus, the meaning of the term “independence” has drastically changed over the years, and the concept of “launching children” out of the nest can not only add to parental stress and anxiety levels, but is also likely to increase anxiety among people in their 20s.

Both parents and their adult children may feel, for different reasons, as if they have “failed” for not being able to live up to social norms. Comparison and confusion are two aspects that may particularly affect the new relationship between parent and adult child, especially when parents have clear ideas of their own on what their adult child should and should not do with their life.

Social media has had a powerful impact on this new generation, in part by giving people new ideas for making money. Many young adults follow, or at least know of, people who are able to make money from social media posts—by posting pictures on Instagram, for example. The generational gap between parents and their adult children becomes more visible when young adults attempt to discuss future plans, particularly by introducing more modern ideas of making money or establishing a career. Comparison almost always enters the conversation, with parents tending to defend a more traditional career path, and confusion often joins as adult children attempt to illustrate the merits of their ideas. Conflict may be the result as parents and adult children attempt to see—or find difficult to understand—the perspective of the other.

Often, young adults report an increased sense of sadness and anxiety after discussing their plans for the future with their parents. These feelings may lead some to avoid talking about their goals with their parents altogether. Parents, for their part, often share a sense of increased fear and frustration as they try to understand the future goals of their children.

These conversations, and the “greyness,” or fear and uncertainty, characterizing them, bring many families and/or young adults to therapy. There is great discomfort in sitting in the grey without a definite answer as to which career path may be in one’s best interest, or in the best interest of one’s child.

Reducing Anxiety and Stress

Young adults who are finding certain aspects of life, independence, or a lack of independence or future prospects to be daunting or are otherwise having difficulty navigating the road of their 20s may find the following tips to be helpful:

These tips are just a starting place. If you find yourself struggling, consider seeking out a trained therapist or counselor to help you address and explore any challenges your 20s may have brought.

References: 

  1. Horowitz, E. (2017, February 23). Millenials may never get out of their parents’ homes. The Boston Globe. Retrieved from https://www.bostonglobe.com/business/2017/02/23/millennials-may-never-get-out-their-parents-homes/vSFNGdn4hjwu5bsMTnu0yK/story.html
  2. Rattner, S. (2015, July 31). We’re making life too hard for millennials. The New York Times. Retrieved from https://www.nytimes.com/2015/08/02/opinion/sunday/were-making-life-too-hard-for-millennials.html

Shiba Inu with eye half closed lying on pillow in living room relaxingI recently experienced an increase in my anxiety related to the flood of emotions I have been navigating in dealing with my aging, ailing dog. Only half-jokingly, I told my colleague, “I need to find my own therapist who specializes in ‘pet owner anxiety.’ ”

I’ve seen countless articles and research studies supporting the theory animals can help improve anxiety, stress, and depression, and I’ve heard of more and more people registering their pets as emotional support animals. However, it occurred to me that I’d never really come across information regarding the anxiety that can come with owning a pet, though it’s likely something many pet owners and animal lovers experience at some point.

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Owning a pet can be wonderful. Pets provide great companionship and, for many people, animals are loyal, loving members of the family. But loving a “fur baby” comes with its hardships, too. There is the potential for stress with things like adjusting to owning a new pet, training a pet, acquainting new pets and existing pets, introducing pets and children, and finding solutions to various responsibilities in terms of help with pet sitting, dog walking, etc. But for me, the greatest anxiety has come with navigating the options, recommendations, and uncertainty after finding out my dog’s health is failing.

One of the most devastating parts of pet ownership is coming to terms with the fact we will likely have to say goodbye to our beloved companions whose lifespans just don’t equal ours. While many pets seem forever young, they do age, their health eventually declines, and we are faced with even more responsibilities as we take care of the additional duties and demands that come with caring for an elderly or sick animal.

About a year and a half ago, my dog was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. Ever since, I’ve grappled with topics related to the uncertainty of death, the anticipation of grief, and the difficulty in having to make confusing and difficult decisions regarding his care.

Death and loss are never easy topics, but I find them to be particularly complicated with pets. For one, they cannot tell you how they feel or voice an opinion in their care the way many aging or ill humans can. Additionally, the knowledge pets are animals as opposed to humans can bring about confusion regarding what that means in terms of our devotion to giving them the best possible care while doing what is in everyone’s best interests.

There are differing opinions when it comes to the value we place on our animal friends. For some people, pets are “just animals.” The emotional attachment some have with their pets may not be understood or validated by those who don’t share the same love of dogs, cats, iguanas, or whatever your beloved pet may be. For others, pets are truly members of the family and losing a pet can be incredibly challenging and affecting.

While I share the sentiment that my dog is a beloved part of my family, I’ve found it overwhelming and difficult to navigate his diagnosis as I balance the discrepancy between doing everything we can versus doing what is realistic. Lately, I’ve wished I had a best friend who is a vet—someone who could give me an honest, unbiased opinion not from a business or professional perspective, but from a place of truly compassionate and candid advising to ease the helplessness and confusion I’ve faced.

I share this in hopes other pet owners who relate can recognize that the strong emotions they feel regarding their pet’s care, health, and life are valid. Pet ownership, rewarding as it can be, can be a source of great stress and anxiety and is a valid reason to seek support when needed.

Some of the greatest anxiety I’ve encountered has come from juggling the grief that comes with knowing my dog is reaching his life expectancy and dealing with an irreversible and fatal disease, all the while managing the guilt I experience when questioning whether it’s worth it to shell out $600-plus every six months, per the vet’s recommendation, for echocardiograms that will monitor the progression but not actually stop it. Being a first-time dog owner, I’ve struggled with nagging questions about whether I should be doing more; confusion as to whether various vets are giving me the best advice; guilt over my hesitancy at emptying my bank account for tests that won’t change the inevitable; and dread over what those final days will be like.

With our dying human relatives, we have no choice but to accept not knowing what the future holds as we await their final breath. With our pets, we’re faced with the potential we may have to make decisions and take it upon ourselves to assist in ending their lives. While it is said euthanizing a pet is one of the most loving and humane decisions you can make, it’s one that is never easy and it inevitably brings about an array of challenging emotions.

So as I struggle with the uncertainty of how things will progress, questions about what my next steps should be, and anguish over what’s to come, I find myself feeling a dreadful combination of anxiety, guilt, and helplessness. Thoughts of, “I’m never owning another pet again” creep in and I question whether the anxiety of anticipatory grief or actual grief is worse.

Rationally, I know it’s better to have loved and lost and that time will ease the pain. And I recognize the greatest factor in my anxiety is in anticipating my dog’s impending passing and knowing there is no course of action that will eliminate facing this hurdle. Yet I’m still struck by how stressed, lost, and guilty I’ve felt regarding truly knowing what steps to take between now and then—and how this dilemma, or any type of stress related to pet ownership, is something I’ve rarely heard others voice.

I share this in hopes other pet owners who relate can recognize that the strong emotions they feel regarding their pet’s care, health, and life are valid. Pet ownership, rewarding as it can be, can be a source of great stress and anxiety and is a valid reason to seek support when needed. While I haven’t come across resources specifically related to “pet owner anxiety,” I am happy to share that there are therapists out there who specialize in pet loss and there are resources and support groups around the country that focus on pet bereavement.

Crystal ball on stand by sea reflects cloud and sea viewUnanswered questions exist in everyone’s lives, and looming unanswered questions are part of what brings many of us to therapy: Should I leave or stay? Is this right for me? Why do I feel this way? How can I change? Who am I?

Sometimes simple and direct answers are available and advice will be a sufficient salve for what ails us. Sometimes advice is all we want. Much more often, however, the trajectory between our questions and answers that will help us is much less simple, and a pat, direct response from a therapist or friend, such as advice, will fall terribly short in helping us learn, grow, and heal.

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Even so, unanswered questions can be uncomfortable things to hang onto. They beg for answers, and in living with the unknown we are asked to bear an aching tension that I can only compare to the anticipation of waiting for a child being born. We long to fill our empty hands with newborn knowledge, and for the relief of seeing that our nascent answer is strong and viable. With modern obstetrics, we can set a delivery date to suit our desires and induce birth at our will, but previous generations were forced to tolerate that the baby comes when the baby comes, regardless of our preferences. Have modern advances in the answering of questions given us any more control over the arrival of answers to the inner questions that bring us to therapy?

We live in an age where some answers are quite easy to find. Like me, you may be in possession of a magic phone that answers almost any question in seconds. Science, philosophy, the study of history, and many other fields of knowledge have made satisfying answers easy to find, but any serious student will tell you that for every answer obtained, many new questions arise. And, perhaps more problematic for us seeking answer to inner questions, there is no credible internet database (yet) that can tell us who we are, what we feel, and what we ought to do with our lives.

So, then, what do we do with questions that our magic phones—or our teachers, our friends, our parents, or our therapists—cannot answer? How do we tolerate the fact some answers come when they come and cannot be forced out into the light? Perhaps most importantly, what strategies do we use to avoid the necessarily realistic pain and anxiety of not knowing, and what price do we pay for our efforts to foreclose the unknown with false answers just for the sake of tension relief?

The Only Certainty Is Uncertainty

In therapy and in life, we can learn a lot about ourselves, answer some of life’s questions, and increase our ability to make decisions that suit us. Problematically, however, even when we have more answers about ourselves, we will have to face questions that cannot be answered. Sure, thanks to therapy or other life experiences we can feel secure enough in a relationship to decide to move in together or even get married. How wonderful! But then new questions come: Will we be this happy forever? Do they really feel the way about me that they say they do? What if something happens?

Insofar as we still lack a crystal ball (or maybe I have just not yet downloaded the crystal ball app to my magic phone), these are questions that will likely remain questions for some time. The answers cannot yet be known because the answers do not exist. When we decide to enter a relationship, take a job, pursue a degree, move out, in, or away, we step into a mystery. We have made the best choice we can with the data we have—our feelings, our thoughts, our knowledge, etc.—but after that, we, like any good scientist, are running an experiment, awaiting the revelation of new discoveries. We cannot know how our results will turn out in advance.

Living with these unknowns, especially in life-defining matters such as relationships and career, is difficult. I prefer certainty! However, when it comes to questions that can only be answered in the future, any certainty I have now will inevitably be false certainty. To get truthful answers, I will have to bear all my questions about the future until the future. No wonder the feeling of certainty, even if it is unrealistic certainty, is so tempting!

Temptations of False Certainty

Many of us spend time trying to answer questions that simply cannot be answered in this moment. We call this “anticipation” or “planning,” in which we imagine every possible outcome and what we would do. Then we feel “prepared.” Another approach is to accumulate all the known facts we can with the hope of being able to predict unknown outcomes. This is not inherently wrong—it is always good to use our knowledge and power to increase the probability of a desired outcome for ourselves to whatever degree we can.

However, in almost every human endeavor there exist circumstances that cannot be controlled, and our efforts to control the uncontrollable through prediction, projection, conjecture, and accumulating facts cannot change or stop this. More often, these strategies for dealing with unanswerable questions about unknowable outcomes will give us either (1) a false sense of security or (2) analysis paralysis.

Only when we have stopped trying to control life can we begin to discover life. Only when we give up on trying to know what we can’t know in advance can we make our minds available to experience life on life’s terms, and possibly receive answers from those experiences.

1. False Sense of Security

In scenario 1, the fact gatherer has done so much research, and calculated the outcomes so many different ways, they become convinced of their image of the outcome. Sometimes we get lucky and the forces that are beyond our control help push events in the direction of our preferences, confirming our preconceptions and reinforcing a gratifying sense of control. That can be a great feeling, even if it is somewhat illusory.

More often, however, reality does its own thing regardless of our fantasies of what we think it should do. If we have bought into our image of how things should have gone (e.g., “I should have gotten that job,” “We should have been together forever”) and felt overly secure in our predictions, it can be painful to accept that reality shows up instead, unmoved by our research and planning. We fail to achieve our secret goal of omniscience and have to face that we are just regular people without crystal balls, vulnerable to the unpredictable and unanswerable questions of life. Ouch. People often come to therapy when they have difficulty tolerating this disillusionment.

2. Analysis Paralysis

Sometimes, our need to answer questions that can’t be answered requires long periods of planning and fact gathering, and the risk is that because the question cannot be answered, we can spend forever trying to answer it and never succeed. Sadly, opportunities to roll the dice on life, take a risk, or run an experiment to collect real data pass us by while we are busy trying to achieve certitude about the outcomes. We hesitate to change jobs, start a family, or buy a new refrigerator until we know we’re “ready,” that it’s the “right choice,” or that things will “work out.”

In our effort to achieve omniscience through seeking possible answers to our questions, we can miss the opportunity to find out the real answers that life experience would provide. In analysis paralysis, we sacrifice the vulnerable potential of the unknown for the stagnant security of rumination, worry, planning, etc. The only way to know if you’ll like your next job is to take it. The only way to know if your partner will say “yes” is to ask. Sadly, many people come to therapy in the grips of analysis paralysis, hoping the therapist will be able to help them make a better prediction about the future. Hopefully, our therapists can help us begin to accept our human limitations and help us begin to live in the mystery rather than avoid it. Only when we have stopped trying to control life can we begin to discover life. Only when we give up on trying to know what we can’t know in advance can we make our minds available to experience life on life’s terms, and possibly receive answers from those experiences.

Living with Questions That Can’t Be Answered

I read many books about psychology and philosophy. They offer many possible answers about what makes a good life or a suffering life. However, despite my best efforts, I have not yet found the “Guidebook for the Life of Maury Joseph.” As a result, I am challenged to accept a life with many unanswered questions.

Believe me, I have tried false certainty, analysis paralysis, and a million other strategies for filling the void of the unknown with some feeling of omniscience, and I will do it again later today, I am sure. But in my best moments, I try to challenge myself to embrace the unknown. I challenge myself to bear the discomfort of holding a question, the anxiety of, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see. We can’t know now.” Though I am no fan of discomfort, I have begun to find the discomfort of not knowing to be far easier to bear than the pressured, overwrought feeling that comes with calculating probabilities; worrying about what I’ll say or do given a particular outcome; or trying to control the future through sheer effort.

So next time you’re faced with a question you cannot yet answer, you have an opportunity to ask yourself: Can I bear this question for this moment? Am I willing to let my mind be the location where an unanswered question lives? Can I accept that this question is unanswered whether I like it or not, no matter how hard I try? What do I notice thinking and feeling as I try to embrace not knowing? Can I be grateful to this question for helping me face the limits of being human: that I can’t predict the future or know everything? Can I thank this question for showing me what I can’t know right now? Can I enjoy the answers that living does provide, and not force life to give me more than what it gives?

Try it out and let me know how it goes! In the meantime, I’ll just be here in Washington, D.C., doing my best to bear not knowing.

Upset person covers face with hand, leaning to one side, sitting at kitchen tableMedication can be an effective tool in treating anxiety symptoms. In some cases, for some people, one small pill can lead to a great deal of relief. Especially for people who feel too busy to invest in psychotherapy, this can be an attractive strategy. Why go to therapy when you can get a prescription from your doctor and just move on with your life?

If only it were so simple. Many people mistakenly believe they can get all the help they need from medication. Here’s why they will likely be disappointed:

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1. Medication is not effective for everyone, and some research shows a combination of medication and therapy is the most effective treatment for anxiety.

To begin with, not everybody experiences significant relief from medication. More often, medication only takes the edge off anxiety symptoms. For each person who experiences a dramatic response to anti-anxiety medication, there are many others who experience, at best, partial relief. It is common for people to try one medication after another, looking for what they hope will be a magic cure. But for most people, this is not a reasonable goal.

In many situations, medication is only partially effective and therapy is needed for management or recovery. Much research supports this premise. For example, results of one study showed medication alone is less effective in treating individuals with panic than medication combined with therapy. Other studies have shown similar results for generalized anxiety, social anxiety, and other anxiety conditions.

2. Many people develop a tolerance to anti-anxiety medication and need more and more of it over time for it to remain effective.

Not only is medication often not effective, but over time, many people gain a tolerance to the initial dose prescribed by their doctor. They find they have to ask for a higher and higher dose to gain the same level of relief. For some anti-anxiety medications, this can lead to a risk of addiction.

For example, many doctors prescribe a class of drugs known as benzodiazepines for anxiety. These include medications such as Xanax, Klonopin, and Ativan, among many others. This class of drugs can have a speedy and significant effect on anxiety symptoms, but it is also highly addictive. It is important to be aware of this risk and take precautions. Individuals who utilize therapy often learn how to control some of their anxiety on their own, which means they may not need to increase their medication dose over time.

3. Medication can come with difficult side effects and, at times, cause more harm. Therapy, on the other hand, is extremely low-risk.

Medication comes with the risk of various side effects. There is no way to tell if you will have side effects from a medication until you try it, and for some people, the negative side effects can negate any relief they experience from their symptoms. On the other hand, therapy for anxiety is incredibly low-risk, while the benefits can extend well beyond addressing anxiety symptoms.

4. Taking medication on its own may numb the emotional and mental pain of anxiety in such a way that the underlying issues never get addressed.

Perhaps at this point you are thinking none of this applies to you. Medication has relieved all of your symptoms, caused no side effects, and you have no concerns related to addiction. With just medication, you feel able to proceed with life as normal. Even if this is the case, you may be surprised that this doesn’t necessarily mean medication on its own is the best choice for you. Here’s why.

When difficult symptoms are removed, this can take away any motivation to deal with underlying issues that may be causing the symptoms. Medication can lead to avoidance and failure to deal with the root of your concerns. For example, let’s say you feel anxious around a difficult and toxic family member. You take medication and your anxiety goes away. But now that the symptoms are gone, you don’t feel like working on the relationship. You don’t feel motivated to understand why the relationship caused you anxiety, your role in the relationship struggles, or how you can improve the relationship for both of you. When medication takes away painful symptoms, it can sometimes also have the negative effect of impeding growth.

Perhaps the most important fact to remember is medication—when effective—covers only symptoms. It doesn’t lead to growth, change, lasting improvement, or a cure. As soon as you stop taking the medication, your anxiety will likely come right back. Are you ready to dig a little deeper and find real change?

How a Trained Therapist Can Help You with Your Anxiety

A trained therapist can help you with your anxiety in ways medication can’t. While medication covers symptoms, therapy leads to self-awareness, growth, and potential recovery.

1. A therapist can help you identify the root of your anxiety.

If you can figure out the cause of your anxiety, you will be better equipped to recover from your anxiety. Often, there are deeper reasons behind why you feel the way you feel.

Your anxiety may stem from childhood experiences, traumatic events in your past, bad habits you are unaware of, or deeper questions about life that we all face at one point or another. Many of our fears in life arise when we are forced to face the reality of suffering and death, the pain of isolation or loneliness, or the despair that comes when we encounter situations that feel hopeless.

You won’t know the root of your anxiety until you are ready to talk about it honestly and in detail. A therapist knows the right questions to ask to help you determine what triggers your anxiety and how your anxiety started in the first place. Determining these things can be the beginning of your road to true recovery.

If you are taking medication for your anxiety, this is not a bad thing by any means. Medication helps many people. Therapists generally don’t discourage people from taking prescriptions; we simply help them consider how to be smart about it and how to utilize medication within the context of therapy.

2. A therapist can help you find your own inherent strengths and believe in your own ability to work toward change.

One of the potential problems with anti-anxiety medication is it can become a crutch. Often, medication is helpful at the beginning of treatment, but over time, you can begin to over-rely on your prescription when you actually have the tools you need to live without it. Over time, you may begin to lose confidence in yourself. You may feel incapable of making good decisions and feel unequipped to move forward in life.

Utilizing therapy on top of medication helps you take responsibility for your life, actions, and future. With just medication, you are leaving yourself dependent on something outside of yourself to make progress. Therapy forces you to find your own solutions and answers. Relying on yourself in this way can build great confidence and lead to a lot of growth.

3. A therapist can help you discover meaning in life and work toward finding your best self.

You are so much more than your anxiety. Yes, at the beginning, the purpose of therapy is to help you learn how to manage your anxiety. But once you have discovered the cause of your anxiety and gained some control over your symptoms, therapy can become a launching pad for an even greater level of growth.

As you come to counseling week after week with the goal of understanding yourself better, you will begin to realize all you are capable of. You will begin to build a picture of what life would look like if you took the time to find the best version of yourself.

At its best, therapy moves beyond helping you with your problems to helping you find your greatest potential. Perhaps anxiety has been holding you back from who you want to be. Once you learn how to manage your anxiety, therapy can become the place where you build a greater vision for the life you want to live and the person you want to become.

Your Best Option: Medication Combined with Therapy

If you are taking medication for your anxiety, this is not a bad thing by any means. Medication helps many people. Therapists generally don’t discourage people from taking prescriptions; we simply help them consider how to be smart about it and how to utilize medication within the context of therapy.

Many therapists believe medication combined with therapy is your best option. In my practice, we utilize a multicultural anxiety treatment approach in which we assess the cause of your anxiety; come up with an individualized plan based on your needs; and often include close family members in your recovery process. We have seen this approach work for many people, and there’s no reason to think it can’t help you as well.

References:

  1. Mitchell, C. G. (1999). Treating anxiety in a managed care setting: A controlled comparison of medication alone versus medication plus cognitive-behavioral group therapy. Research on Social Work Practice, 9(2), 188-200.
  2. Zwanzger, P., Diemer, J., & Jabs, B. (2009). Comparison of combined psycho- and pharmacotherapy with monotherapy in anxiety disorders: Controversial viewpoints and clinical perspectives. Journal of Neural Transmission, 116(6), 759-65.

Parent with long ponytail and blue dress sits at desk, forehead supported with hand, as child with pigtails approaches with toyParenting is one of the hardest, most stressful, yet rewarding experiences a person can have. We love our little ones with all our hearts, but they often test our limits. Being a parent can bring out the best and worst in each of us. Parenting with anxiety, however, can make the experience more challenging for parents and kids alike.

Let’s set the scene: You are out to dinner and your child starts to throw a massive temper tantrum. You feel the eyes of the other diners and wait staff trained on you, waiting to see what will happen next. At home you could simply ignore the fit, but in public something must be done. The pressure is on to resolve the situation so your child can calm down and the other restaurant patrons can go back to a peaceful dinner. Not an easy feat, right? You feel the tension rise in your mind and body, but you manage to resolve the situation in one way or another.

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Next, consider how you might feel in this situation with an anxiety condition. You might have already been in an anxious state just leaving your house and going into a public space. You could be preoccupied with fears of judgment from others, germs, or a catastrophe taking place. You may sweat when you look in your server’s eyes to order because of social anxiety. You may ritualistically count in your head to manage the rising panic. These are all examples of how different anxiety conditions can affect your frame of mind when you leave the house.

Now let’s add that lovely temper tantrum your toddler is throwing. How well will you be able to problem-solve while in a heightened state? Will you be able to deal with your child calmly or will your anxiety morph into extreme irritability that gets taken out on your child? What is the likelihood it might escalate into a panic attack and you won’t be able to handle it at all?

You can see how anxiety can become so distracting that your ability to effectively parent in a high-stress situation is compromised. Yes, being a parent is hard and can make anyone anxious. But when you are living with an anxiety condition, it can be downright overwhelming. Anxiety stems from a deeply held core belief that we are unable to control or resolve a stressor. This belief causes us to question our abilities, doubt a positive outcome, and overestimate a potential danger. It takes away our ability to have faith in the future and trust our judgment. The resulting thinking patterns can significantly affect our parenting.

Anxiety stems from a deeply held core belief that we are unable to control or resolve a stressor. This belief causes us to question our abilities, doubt a positive outcome, and overestimate a potential danger.

If you have a fear of infection from germs, your choices to wash your hands excessively or avoid certain activities may have an impact on your children. If you have social anxiety and avoid leaving the house or meeting new people, your children may follow your example. If you are preoccupied with your children’s behaviors for fear of what they might lead to 10 or 15 years down the line, you may not be able to be present with them to teach them how to behave.

There is so much pressure on parents, especially mothers, to be perfect and to have perfect children. Parents are exposed to more information than ever about how their parenting may affect their children long-term. From screen time to nutrition to discipline, it is easy to find a multitude of articles or studies to suggest you are somehow damaging your children. These sources of information can be helpful, but can also give us a false sense of control over how to avoid anything negative happening to our kids.

So how can people with anxiety conditions parent effectively while maintaining their own mental health? Here are five ways to parent while anxious:

1. SELF-CARE!

Self-care is the first and most important method to improve parenting skills—and it applies to everyone, regardless of whether you have an anxiety condition. Simply put, you can’t give your kids everything when you have nothing to give. Take the time to consider what you need to do for yourself to keep your symptoms under control. There are things everyone needs: exercise, good nutrition, time to recharge. There are also things that are unique to you. Do you love reading? Biking? Kickboxing? Time with friends? Think about what helps you recharge your batteries so the mental and physical energy to care for your kids can be there.

2. Know Your Limits

When you have an anxiety condition, your comfort zone can be smaller and more defined than for most. If you know going out to dinner with the kids is stressful, don’t go unless you can’t avoid it. If you can’t handle watching your kids play in the dirt, have your partner or a family member oversee cleanup. Don’t sign up for every committee at school if your social anxiety makes it feel overwhelming. There are always unavoidable triggers, and it isn’t advisable to avoid everything that tends to make you anxious, as doing so can ultimately increase anxiety. If you know you are going into a stressful situation, try to do it sans kids.

3. Have a Handy List of Coping Skills

When you get a moment, sit down and think about helpful ways to resolve your anxiety in the moment. Deep breathing, visualization, meditation, and 5-minute time-outs are all examples of ways to potentially reduce anxiety. When your anxiety is on the rise, you are not thinking clearly. Having these coping skills written down and available may make it easier to do what is necessary to calm down.

4. Give Yourself a Break

We all have ugly parenting moments for one reason or another. You deserve compassion and forgiveness for yourself in the times your anxiety negatively affects your parenting. Remember, you are doing the best you can do and beating yourself up won’t help you be a better parent.

5. Get Help

Speak with your doctor, family, friends, or anyone else you trust about your anxiety. Making an appointment with a therapist who specializes in working with anxiety is a good step in learning how to feel better and be a more effective parent. You don’t need to suffer alone with your symptoms. There is help for you.

Kid plays with green fidget spinner toyFidget spinners, toys that allow people to quietly fidget by spinning a device, are surging in popularity. Many companies market these toys as relievers for stress and anxiety. They hold the 16 top spots in Amazon’s toy rankings. Together with fidget cubes, the toys occupy more than 40 of the top 50 spots.

As with many toy trends, some adults have responded with frustration, derision, and even paranoia. A false story recently circulating on Facebook claimed fidget spinners could disrupt Earth’s center of gravity.

Proponents of the toy say it could help people with attention deficit hyperactivity (ADHD), autism, or anxiety by offering a focused outlet for their energy. Some schools even allow students to use fidget spinners to help them concentrate. Experts, however, note a lack of research on any link between fidget spinners and ADHD symptoms. Rather than assuming the toys will work for alleviating symptoms of ADHD, experts recommend that parents seek research-backed treatment options.

Experts also say there is no reason to worry that fidget spinners are harmful. There’s little evidence that any single toy changes behavior or cultural beliefs.

Dual Gait Testing as Early Predictor of Dementia

[fat_widget_right]Observing a person’s gait while they perform a cognitively taxing task can provide early evidence of dementia. The process, known as dual gait testing, may predict dementia in people with memory issues. According to the study, people with mild cognitive impairment whose motion slows down by about 20% while performing the cognitive task may be at an increased risk of developing dementia.

Why You Should Quit Chasing Happiness and Pursue Meaning Instead

According to a new book, The Power of Meaning: Crafting a Life That Matters, the pursuit of happiness might undermine its achievement. Meaning is what makes life worth living, the book’s author argues. Pursuing happiness as its own goal may be a distraction from the sense of purpose that is more likely to help people feel happier.

Bouldering Envisioned as a New Treatment for Depression

Bouldering, a popular form of rock climbing, may ease symptoms of depression. The authors of a new study say people who began bouldering three hours a week for eight weeks saw reductions in depression. They suggest the physical, cognitive, and social components of the sport may help. People may boulder with friends, and bouldering poses both physical and intellectual challenges.

Can Parents’ Tech Obsessions Contribute to a Child’s Bad Behavior?

Increased reliance on technology may undermine parents’ relationships with their children. According to a study that looked at surveys completed by mothers and fathers in 170 households, half of parents said technology disrupts time with their children. On average, technology interrupts parent-child interactions two to three times per day. The study suggests these interruptions may be associated with increased behavior problems from children.

Suit: SC Mental Health Needlessly Hospitalizes People

In a federal class action lawsuit, Protection and Advocacy for People with Disabilities—a disability advocacy organization—alleges that the South Carolina Department of Mental Health is unnecessarily hospitalizing people with mental health issues. A 1999 U.S. Supreme Court decision in Olmstead v. L.C. found people with mental health disabilities have a right to live in less restrictive settings. Thus, needless hospitalization or institutionalization is a form of mental health discrimination.

Meditation May Cause Negative Feelings for Some, Study Finds

Research links meditation to numerous benefits, including improvements in mental health. However, research that includes interviews with nearly 100 meditation teachers and meditators suggests it may not be positive for everyone. Some people who meditated reported side effects such as insomnia, sensitivity to light or sound, anxiety, or panic.

Important Notice

GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.

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