Do Lies About Santa Harm Parent-Child Relationships?

Cookies and milk left out for SantaFor those who celebrate Christmas, lying to children about the existence of Santa could harm parents’ relationships with their children, according to an essay published in The Lancet Psychiatry. In the piece, mental health researcher Kathy McKay and psychologist Christopher Boyle suggest parents may be motivated by a desire to return to their own childhoods. This means lying about Santa may not be a protective lie, and may instead erode children’s trust in their parents.

How Santa Affects Parent-Child Relationships

The two authors suggest parents may encourage children to believe in Santa as a way of reliving their own childhoods. Though this can be fun and nostalgic for parents, the lie may ultimately harm their relationship with their children.

Many parents teach their children lying is wrong, but children eventually find out Santa is not real. This can spur confusion and conflict. When children discover the lie, they may wonder what other lies their parents have told, the authors say.

McKay and Boyle believe it is sometimes appropriate for parents to lie to protect their children. For example, rather than providing potentially upsetting details about the death of a pet, parents might conceal the death. In contrast, the authors say lying about Santa does not protect children. Because a child’s belief in Santa can make parents feel good, parents may be undermining their long-term credibility to feel a sense of magic for a few years.

Grace Malonai, PhD, LPCC, DCC, a psychologist who specializes in parenting, agrees that parental deception can undermine trust.

“Some children might gain cherished memories of St. Nick, while others might gain a sense of distrust in their parents and their world view,” Malonai said. “Highly sensitive, gifted, or other neuro-atypically developing children, such as those with autism, might be especially vulnerable to this type of parental deception.”

Parents’ Views on Santa

In 2011, the Associated Press and GFK Roper Public Affairs & Corporate Communications sponsored a survey of the general population that inquired about views on Santa. Eighty-four percent of parents said they had once believed in Santa. This supports the notion that parents nurture a belief in Santa partially because of fond memories from their childhoods.

Little girl looking for SantaTwo-thirds of families called Santa an “important” part of Christmas. Conflicted feelings about Santa were also common, with nearly half of respondents arguing Santa detracts from the religious meaning of Christmas.

Expert Insight on Navigating the Myth of Santa

Malonai believes it is important for parents to consider family values in conjunction with their children’s sometimes differing personalities and traits.

“If you wish to uphold the idea of Father Christmas, choose your words wisely,” Maloani said. “Instead of outright lying, share stories of longstanding traditions and cultural heritage.”

Kathy Hardie-Williams, MEd, MS, NCC, LPC, LMFT, a therapist and former teacher who treats children and parents, endorses a similar approach.

“Children can enjoy Santa as a fictional character without being lied to by their parents,” Hardie-Williams said. “Just as children enjoy their favorite fairy-tale characters and even ‘meet them’ in Disneyland and in Disney World, children understand that their favorite fairy-tale character is not literal. I believe the same approach is effective when presenting the character of Santa Claus to children. Although not the intention, I believe the emotional impact of parents lying to children could be harmful. I believe it’s healthier to encourage children to enjoy the ‘magic’ of Santa Claus and Christmas by perceiving Santa as a fictional character within the context of telling a story.”

References:

  1. Boyle, C., & McKay, K. (2016). A wonderful lie. The Lancet Psychiatry, 3(12), 1110-1111. doi:10.1016/s2215-0366(16)30363-7
  2. Should parents lie to children about Santa? (2016, November 25). Retrieved from https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2016/11/161125104818.htm
  3. The AP-GFK Poll [PDF]. (2011, December). Associated Press–GFK Roper Public Affairs & Corporate Communications.

© Copyright 2016 GoodTherapy.org. All rights reserved.

The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.

  • 4 comments
  • Leave a Comment
  • Connie

    Connie

    December 14th, 2016 at 7:37 AM

    For my family it was always this little magical thing that we would have for once a year when the children was small. For us it just sort of fed into the whole magic and mystery of the Christmas season but we never allowed it to replace the things about that time of year that is the most important to remember. I think that once you can keep some things in perspective then it is better for the whole family.

  • ada

    ada

    December 14th, 2016 at 2:32 PM

    Do you now how difficult that this would be trying to do this when every other child in the world is fed the lie?

  • Mitchell

    Mitchell

    December 15th, 2016 at 10:39 AM

    I don’t think that I am ever going to look back on my childhood years and be some kind of bitter because my parents told a little white lie about where all the toys would come from. They were doing it to allow me one of those simple pleasures of childhood that so many people seem hell bent on taking away from kids today. This is all harmless, it doesn’t undermine the parent child relationship. In fact I am thankful that my parents let us believe in the beauty and magic of Christmas morning. I think that I would probably be more bitter had they not let us have this.

  • Joshua

    Joshua

    December 19th, 2016 at 12:51 PM

    Santa Claus is not real. St. Nick (Nicholas) was. One can keep this historical figure involved without lying to children or later explain that Santa is an adaptation of a real person. And the magic of Christmas has nothing to do with Santa Claus, but with the true meaning of Christmas.

Leave a Comment

By commenting you acknowledge acceptance of GoodTherapy.org's Terms and Conditions of Use.

* Indicates required field.

 

Advanced Search

Search Our Blog

   
GoodTherapy.org is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.org.