What It’s Like Inside a Depressed Person’s Head
January 10th, 2013
By Cynthia W. Lubow, MS, MFT, Depression Topic Expert Contributor
While not everyone’s experience is the same, when people have a major depressive episode, generally the world looks, feels and is understood completely differently than before and after the episode. During a major depressive episode, the world literally seems like a dark place. What was beautiful may look ugly, flat, or even sinister. The depressed person may believe loved ones, even their own children, are better off without them. Nothing seems comforting, pleasurable, or worth living for. There’s no apparent hope for things ever feeling better, and history is rewritten and experienced as confirmation that everything has always been miserable, and always will be.
When this reality shift happens, it’s difficult to remember or believe what seemed normal before the episode. What the person believes during the episode seems absolutely real, and anything that conflicts with it is as unbelievable as a memory or message telling him or her that the sky is purple. For example, if the person is unable to feel love for a spouse, and someone reminds the person that he or she used to feel that love, the person may firmly believe he or she had been pretending to himself/herself and others—though at the time he or she really felt it. The person can’t remember feeling the love, and can’t feel it during the episode, and thus concludes he or she never felt it. The same process happens with happiness and pleasure. Attempts to tell the person that he or she used to be happy, and will feel happy again, can cause the person to feel more misunderstood and isolated because he or she is convinced it’s not true.
Even if nothing was wrong before the episode, everything seems wrong when it descends. Suddenly, no one seems loving or lovable. Everything is irritating. Work is boring and unbearable. Any activity takes many times more effort, as if every movement requires displacing quicksand to make it. What was challenging feels overwhelming; what was sad feels unbearable; what felt joyful feels pleasureless—or, at best, a fleeting drop of pleasure in an ocean of pain.
Major depression feels like intense pain that can’t be identified in any particular part of the body. The most (normally) pleasant and comforting touch can feel painful to the point of tears. People seem far away—on the other side of a glass bubble. No one seems to understand or care, and people seem insincere. Depression is utterly isolating.
There is terrible shame about the actions depression dictates, such as not accomplishing anything or snapping at people. Everything seems meaningless, including previous accomplishments and what had given life meaning. Anything that had given the person a sense of value or self-esteem vanishes. These assets or accomplishments no longer matter, no longer seem genuine, or are overshadowed by negative self-images. Anything that ever caused the person to feel shame, guilt, or regret grows to take up most of his or her psychic space. That and being in this state causes the person to feel irredeemably unlovable, and sure everyone has abandoned or will abandon him or her.
It’s difficult to describe all of this in a way that someone who’s never experienced it can make sense of it. I can’t emphasize enough that when this happens, what I am describing is absolutely the depressed person’s reality. When people try to get the person to look on the bright side, be grateful, change his or her thoughts, or meditate, or they minimize or try to disprove the person’s reality, they are very unlikely to succeed. Instead, they and the depressed person are likely to feel frustrated and alienated from one another. I do believe cognitive therapy has an important place, but generally not in the throes of a major depressive episode.
So what does a person whose reality has shifted in this way need? Please keep in mind that I am talking about a major depressive episode—severe depression that has lasted more than two weeks. I would take a different approach for someone with milder depression, or one that is a response to a terrible loss. For some people in a major depression, medication works and is the only thing that works. The same could be said for electric shock treatment, though it’s not for everyone. Many people will emerge from major depression in time, though episodes seem to make more episodes more likely, so if medication works to end the episode, it’s usually prudent to take it. Nutrition, acupuncture, and other body-based treatments can help without the side effects of medication.
Loved ones can gently hold and show love and commitment to the depressed person, try not to take on the person’s reality, but also not argue with him or her about it. They can also gently remind the person that depression causes his or her perspective on everything to change, and he or she is unable to think outside of depression mode at the moment. It is a time for the person to avoid making decisions, or avoid doing anything significant that requires a nondepressed perspective. If this is a repeated experience for this person, it can be helpful to discuss all of this between episodes so he or she is more prepared when caught in the quicksand.
© Copyright 2013 by Cynthia W. Lubow, MS, MFT, therapist in El Cerrito, CA. All Rights Reserved.
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27 Comments | Click here to leave a comment.
Comments
Well said. This is the first article I’ve read that truly explains how depression affects a large number of people. This needs to replace the outdated information available in mental health clinics and doctors offices.
Thank you.
I’ve never heard of going into a depressive episode described as
“being sucked into quicksand” before.
That is a perfect analogy.
I never imagined about depression so deeply..Often we throw around the word “depressed” quite easily but from what I have read here,most of the things we use the word for don’t even deserve it..Not every little sorrow or negative feeling is depression and I believe that should be a reason we should be happy with our lives and glad for every positive thing we have!
I second what Michelle said. This so clearly explains what it is like in the middle of a major depressive episode, I hope that many people read this so they can finally catch a glimpse of what it is like. The worst part? Knowing the episode will end, but not knowing when that end will come.
Thank you for this post!
I love this. It makes us aware that there are others experiencing the same feelings. But this refers to depressive episodes which I have not usually encountered. My depression is constant with periods of relief that come from intense focus on a project or problem that needs fixing.
Thanks for putting how I feel into words – it helps.
Brilliant description. As a chronic sufferer I find glimpses of hope in relating to the experiences of others like this. This reinforces how real the pain is, and, that it is not our fault.
When the grounds beneath your feet are akin to being in quicksand, all that you cared for remains elsewhere, beyond you on stable ground, along with your better senses. The “normal” view of things has no place when you are in fact, flailing (mentally) and sliding in. Its an appropriate time to start thinking the worst is going to happen…oh, that’s right…that’s exactly what we do!
This is partly due to a linguistic confusion. In everyday life people say, “I am depressed,” when they mean, “I am unhappy,” or “I am sad,” or “I am frustrated,” or all three! All of those need to have “about?” or “because” etc. added to them as an inquiry by the therapist, to clarify, elucidate and conceptualize what is transpiring. A depressed mood, where the person becomes submerged in negative feelings/perceptions is Depression with a capital D. As a reaction to mainly current events, it too can usually be converted to its component parts and resolved. Longer term Major Depression often has deep roots, and more components, which may vary greatly in my experience. Intractable long term Major Depression sometimes includes a subconscious attachment or “addiction” to this state of being as a coping mechanism, though of course no one would consciously choose such a painful process. I have in addition dealt with this as a method of subconscious self-punishment for guilty “sins.” I have come across mentions of the latter in psychological literature also.
So true, exactly my twisted reality. I think i’ve been depressed since my early teens with episodes of “not so” depressed. I have completely isolated myself and I am thinking of suicide every day. The only reason why I cant do it is my mother for now, but im telling myself, as soon as she passes away, I’ll do it. Like the article says, I am convinced that nobody gives a F*** about me, I only bring them down from their blue and pink little clouds. I literally hate having happy people around me, they annoy me soooooooo much, and I hate people with alot of money. Even after reading the article numerous times, a real major depressed man like me, I still think like it was described in the article, IT IS stronger than you when your are in neck high. I really cant shake this, even if you’d try to beat it out of me. I am not feeling better, but thanks for trying.
I’m so glad so many feel understood by my description, because I don’t think most people understand, even if they are experiencing it, and especially if they never have. I don’t mean this to be a treatment. If you feel like this, please find a good therapist and get help. As Patrick says, it’s not something you can shake, or will away.
I’ve made some progress, for lack of a better term, up from when I was first diagnosed with depression. This description brings tears to my eyes because of its accuracy.
Wow. I have this happen to me often, have been diagnosed with major depression-but had no idea why I was thinking suicidal thoughts at certain times & not others. My best friend & I since high school have been depressed, but at times have wondered what’s wrong with everybody else!!!!! It becomes such a huge part of who you are, that you think it’s just your personality. I am totally in shock right now, realizing I’ve been have major depression episodes, yet wondering what my Psychaitrist sees in me that makes him believe I need to take anti-depressants. Is it normal that it seems worse every time it happens?? It also makes me feel like I don’t belong anywhere because almost nobody I know understands, so I feel like I’m always pretending to be someone I’m not. I always say I’m feeling great, because that’s all anyone can handle. I really wish I was just normal. Life would be so much easier…
I agree with all the comments, this is the best description I’ve seen. Like StephAnie, it brought tears to my eyes. It’s lethargy on steroids; hopelessness and feeling unworthy of well, anything good… The lack of drive or initiative only contributes to feeling worse as I look around and realize another day has gone by and I’ve accomplished exactly zero percent of what I wanted or planned to do. Intellectually I know it can’t last forever, but that knowledge is meaningless.
If an episode is triggered by an event, and decisions have to be made, is it recommended to seek a different kind of help, away from typical psychological help? if you leave decisions to me, they just wont get made. is there such a thing as getting support with decisions that is more directive? If anyone has thoughts on this I would be grateful.
Wonderful post, thank you for writing it.
It took me 20 years to move from my 1st depressive episode to writing what it felt like. At the end of 2012, I am finally over my mother’s death in 1976. It’s baby steps for me to climb out of sadness and loss. I go to therapy, I made my own affirmations for survival, prayer, and the latest on courage. Each of them are in mini photo books. I embellished them to be uplifted and positive. I read them every day. “I have courage to step up. It is natural to me.” “Everybody, even me, is doing the best they can.” “I know who to call and I know how to get help.” These are examples of my affirmations. It bothered me when a friend would ask me how I was and I said I was depressed. She said I was bored. Then she got depression and knew it wasn’t boredom. Someday I hope to see my daughter. I think about her all the time. Great description of Depression. Thank you, Sara
I have read many articles and books on depression but this piece hit home – I used to think depression was my personal agony & I would never be ‘normal’. After 18 years of medication & exercise, physchologists etc. I am coping. I have given up hoping for inner peace or happines but I am getting through each day without hoping I would die. I am thankful for that. Thanks Cynthia.
The most helpful words I’ve ever read about depression.
A priceless tool .
I really mean it – such a help!
“Rewriting history”really hits home & proves that one is “of unsound mind” when in the throes of depression.
Thank you so very much for this…..
Yes, this is an accurate description. I have struggled with anxiety and depression for more than 50 years. Major depression paints your current and past life with dark colors. I have not always been sad and depressed, but in depression all the happy or average times seem fake. Sometimes there is a root cause for depression that is desperately repressed and denied and will make you feel that you are living a lie while just waiting to die. My life was like that until recently when I was more or less cornered by my own insights and circumstances to face some realities that I had refused to deal with my whole life. I had never acknowledged the intensity of my feelings of unworthiness and shame which began at age 6, but instead wore a “mask” of confidence and an “armor” of courage. It got me through 53 years of functioning at a fairly high level with manageable symptoms but finally it failed me when a combination of life challenges proved greater than my acting abilities/coping skills. After 28 years I retired from my job on a mental disability as well as from life. The past 13 1/2 years have amounted to scraping myself off the floor and making feeble efforts to put up with life. Sometimes a person’s life really IS tragic and that reality is too awful to take in until you know it’s almost over. I don’t know if I could have dealt with such feelings as a young person knowing a lifetime was ahead of me. But now, I know that the fact that I am 66 and still here is a testament to a battle well fought and not lost. My fears and self recriminations are gone and its okay, in fact good to be me. I turned to God in desperation and He woke my spirit up. I was able to take another look at myself with His grace, able to credit myself for refusing to give up in the face of unbearable pain, able to forgive the other people and myself for attitudes and actions that added to my burdens. Now, even though its very late in life to finally have this understanding, it would have been a total tragedy to have passed through without the peace that fills my soul today, which makes the journey meaningful. I hope some of you will consider Christ as your Healer. Medications and counseling are good, but sometimes you need a refuge that is spiritual to really have the courage to be truthful. When you open your heart with His help, love comes in and poison leaves. There is no greater resolution. God bless you all.
Quite an amazing testimony.Sixty years of pain ,repression & denial.
Now you can at last say “It’s good to be me.”
While I don’t share your Christian beliefs,I do agree that spiritual refuge is invaluable.
Never have I had the words I have used repeated back to me verbatim. (Don’t deserve, better off, too good for me, the world would be a better place, no one would care if…)Quicksand, all of it quicksand. That is the most perfect description I have ever heard, and now I don’t feel so “ab”normal. I have been suffering and this article finally turned a light on in my reality that has been trying to glow for so long. Thank you, thank you. To Patrick: I know, I know, hang in there my quicksand commrade, hang in there…..
Amazing and insightful article.
Betty, thank you for your comments. I am about where you were at age 53. I am 55. I have had some setbacks that I am having difficulty coming to terms with. I wish not to feel as I do, but I feel as though I am nearly ready to throw in the towel as you did at age 53. I am holding on and am embarrassed by my near admission of this. I wish to express my gratitude to you for your posting and your honesty. I have been seeing Stacey Wood a very kind therapist. She has tried so very hard to help me. I loose myself in my work. It is my cloaking identity, because I have lost my own. I put in a lot of free time because it gives me focus and some kind of direction. I have difficulty however on processing, now as a result of loosing my confidence due to errors in my life. I was a very happy person for nearly 50 years then the reality of who and what I really must be, was fabricated. I took the viewpoint that I was wrong and that I needed to turn off my brain because of my pride. This is where I am now. Straddling, teetering, on trying to be a good man but not prideful. I am not doing well with this journey. This effort to be a kind, real loving person without some self gratifying ego shoring up. I want to be a good man, a real man. A real real man, loving, confident, stable, one others could lean on, but I am not doing too good at getting there. Thank you for your story.
I always thought this was the way everyone felt when they were unhappy. I suppose it makes a little more sense now why I had trouble believing the psychiatrist who thought this was one of the problems I had. Still, if this is how depressed people think and feel, then what is it like inside of a “normal” person’s head? It doesn’t really make much sense. For about as long as I can remember, I’ve been trying to think of some reason why anything I do matters or what value being alive has. Every day is just subsisting and perpetuating an utterly mundane existence. Therapists have asked why I feel like I do not wish to live, as if I need a reason. I’m tempted to ask them why I should continue living since they feel it is unusual for me not to desire it. In any case, so long as the effort to live and to die remain in life’s favor, I’ll keep on…living, as it were. Until I can do something about that, this sums up the subjective experience fairly well I suppose.
Yes! What IS it like inside a normal person’s head?
What IS a “normal” person?
DO they go into their heads ?
This is true. The best description on the way you feel I have seen. It is really hard to explain to someone who has not felt this how you think.
very well expressed. i experienced all these but couldn’t express the feelings this well.
well, i was. in depresssion since my childhood and i always used to pray to god to take away from this earth.
i was going through deep paranoid, i was having hard time to exist in this world.
no one loved me and cared for me intead people has abused me and bulllied me, i used to cry everyday.
Nothing was going right in my life, my esteem was going down and i had a extreMe inferiority.
But one day i thought and. thought and i tried to learn how to be happy.
i tried and tried, ua it was very diffilt.
But i managed and now i m very happy in my life, although everything is not fine in my life but im surely goona make everything fine one day.
frinds nothing is impossible you just need to work on your problems.
if there is a will there is a way.
And be lucky to be in depression because one day if you will be happy in your then you can experience supreme happines of life.
thank you….
From my experiences depression is always a result of things like dependence, fear, trauma, selfishness, addiction and circumstances. Depressed people are in a bad spot, often of their own creation. They are the sort that have lost faith and do not dare to take risks. They never really face themselves and live within a limited range of experience since they do not allow themselves to break free. That is my personal experience with depression; depressed people do not understand that life is temporary and that they have the power to affect it.
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