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What It’s Like Inside a Depressed Person’s Head

Headshot of depressed woman
 

While not everyone’s experience is the same, when people have a major depressive episode, generally the world looks, feels and is understood completely differently than before and after the episode. During a major depressive episode, the world literally seems like a dark place. What was beautiful may look ugly, flat, or even sinister. The depressed person may believe loved ones, even their own children, are better off without them. Nothing seems comforting, pleasurable, or worth living for. There’s no apparent hope for things ever feeling better, and history is rewritten and experienced as confirmation that everything has always been miserable, and always will be.

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When this reality shift happens, it’s difficult to remember or believe what seemed normal before the episode. What the person believes during the episode seems absolutely real, and anything that conflicts with it is as unbelievable as a memory or message telling him or her that the sky is purple. For example, if the person is unable to feel love for a spouse, and someone reminds the person that he or she used to feel that love, the person may firmly believe he or she had been pretending to himself/herself and others—though at the time he or she really felt it. The person can’t remember feeling the love, and can’t feel it during the episode, and thus concludes he or she never felt it. The same process happens with happiness and pleasure. Attempts to tell the person that he or she used to be happy, and will feel happy again, can cause the person to feel more misunderstood and isolated because he or she is convinced it’s not true.

Even if nothing was wrong before the episode, everything seems wrong when it descends. Suddenly, no one seems loving or lovable. Everything is irritating. Work is boring and unbearable. Any activity takes many times more effort, as if every movement requires displacing quicksand to make it. What was challenging feels overwhelming; what was sad feels unbearable; what felt joyful feels pleasureless—or, at best, a fleeting drop of pleasure in an ocean of pain.

Major depression feels like intense pain that can’t be identified in any particular part of the body. The most (normally) pleasant and comforting touch can feel painful to the point of tears. People seem far away—on the other side of a glass bubble. No one seems to understand or care, and people seem insincere. Depression is utterly isolating.

There is terrible shame about the actions depression dictates, such as not accomplishing anything or snapping at people. Everything seems meaningless, including previous accomplishments and what had given life meaning. Anything that had given the person a sense of value or self-esteem vanishes. These assets or accomplishments no longer matter, no longer seem genuine, or are overshadowed by negative self-images. Anything that ever caused the person to feel shame, guilt, or regret grows to take up most of his or her psychic space. That and being in this state causes the person to feel irredeemably unlovable, and sure everyone has abandoned or will abandon him or her.

It’s difficult to describe all of this in a way that someone who’s never experienced it can make sense of it. I can’t emphasize enough that when this happens, what I am describing is absolutely the depressed person’s reality. When people try to get the person to look on the bright side, be grateful, change his or her thoughts, or meditate, or they minimize or try to disprove the person’s reality, they are very unlikely to succeed. Instead, they and the depressed person are likely to feel frustrated and alienated from one another. I do believe cognitive therapy has an important place, but generally not in the throes of a major depressive episode.

So what does a person whose reality has shifted in this way need? Please keep in mind that I am talking about a major depressive episode—severe depression that has lasted more than two weeks. I would take a different approach for someone with milder depression, or one that is a response to a terrible loss. For some people in a major depression, medication works and is the only thing that works. The same could be said for electric shock treatment, though it’s not for everyone. Many people will emerge from major depression in time, though episodes seem to make more episodes more likely, so if medication works to end the episode, it’s usually prudent to take it. Nutrition, acupuncture, and other body-based treatments can help without the side effects of medication.

Loved ones can gently hold and show love and commitment to the depressed person, try not to take on the person’s reality, but also not argue with him or her about it. They can also gently remind the person that depression causes his or her perspective on everything to change, and he or she is unable to think outside of depression mode at the moment. It is a time for the person to avoid making decisions, or avoid doing anything significant that requires a nondepressed perspective. If this is a repeated experience for this person, it can be helpful to discuss all of this between episodes so he or she is more prepared when caught in the quicksand.

© Copyright 2013 by Cynthia W. Lubow, MS, MFT, therapist in El Cerrito, CA. All Rights Reserved.

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Comments
  • Michelle January 11th, 2013 at 7:30 AM #1

    Well said. This is the first article I’ve read that truly explains how depression affects a large number of people. This needs to replace the outdated information available in mental health clinics and doctors offices.

    Thank you.

  • Kath January 11th, 2013 at 9:05 AM #2

    I’ve never heard of going into a depressive episode described as
    “being sucked into quicksand” before.
    That is a perfect analogy.

  • samson January 11th, 2013 at 9:50 AM #3

    I never imagined about depression so deeply..Often we throw around the word “depressed” quite easily but from what I have read here,most of the things we use the word for don’t even deserve it..Not every little sorrow or negative feeling is depression and I believe that should be a reason we should be happy with our lives and glad for every positive thing we have!

  • Purple Dreamer January 11th, 2013 at 10:30 AM #4

    I second what Michelle said. This so clearly explains what it is like in the middle of a major depressive episode, I hope that many people read this so they can finally catch a glimpse of what it is like. The worst part? Knowing the episode will end, but not knowing when that end will come.

    Thank you for this post!

  • Judi January 11th, 2013 at 11:56 AM #5

    I love this. It makes us aware that there are others experiencing the same feelings. But this refers to depressive episodes which I have not usually encountered. My depression is constant with periods of relief that come from intense focus on a project or problem that needs fixing.

  • BoP January 11th, 2013 at 12:20 PM #6

    Thanks for putting how I feel into words – it helps.

  • Edwina January 11th, 2013 at 1:25 PM #7

    Brilliant description. As a chronic sufferer I find glimpses of hope in relating to the experiences of others like this. This reinforces how real the pain is, and, that it is not our fault.
    When the grounds beneath your feet are akin to being in quicksand, all that you cared for remains elsewhere, beyond you on stable ground, along with your better senses. The “normal” view of things has no place when you are in fact, flailing (mentally) and sliding in. Its an appropriate time to start thinking the worst is going to happen…oh, that’s right…that’s exactly what we do!

  • Holistic Hypnosis & Hypnotherapy - Los Angeles January 11th, 2013 at 3:22 PM #8

    This is partly due to a linguistic confusion. In everyday life people say, “I am depressed,” when they mean, “I am unhappy,” or “I am sad,” or “I am frustrated,” or all three! All of those need to have “about?” or “because” etc. added to them as an inquiry by the therapist, to clarify, elucidate and conceptualize what is transpiring. A depressed mood, where the person becomes submerged in negative feelings/perceptions is Depression with a capital D. As a reaction to mainly current events, it too can usually be converted to its component parts and resolved. Longer term Major Depression often has deep roots, and more components, which may vary greatly in my experience. Intractable long term Major Depression sometimes includes a subconscious attachment or “addiction” to this state of being as a coping mechanism, though of course no one would consciously choose such a painful process. I have in addition dealt with this as a method of subconscious self-punishment for guilty “sins.” I have come across mentions of the latter in psychological literature also.

  • Patrick January 12th, 2013 at 2:21 AM #9

    So true, exactly my twisted reality. I think i’ve been depressed since my early teens with episodes of “not so” depressed. I have completely isolated myself and I am thinking of suicide every day. The only reason why I cant do it is my mother for now, but im telling myself, as soon as she passes away, I’ll do it. Like the article says, I am convinced that nobody gives a F*** about me, I only bring them down from their blue and pink little clouds. I literally hate having happy people around me, they annoy me soooooooo much, and I hate people with alot of money. Even after reading the article numerous times, a real major depressed man like me, I still think like it was described in the article, IT IS stronger than you when your are in neck high. I really cant shake this, even if you’d try to beat it out of me. I am not feeling better, but thanks for trying.

  • Cynthia January 15th, 2013 at 1:05 AM #10

    I’m so glad so many feel understood by my description, because I don’t think most people understand, even if they are experiencing it, and especially if they never have. I don’t mean this to be a treatment. If you feel like this, please find a good therapist and get help. As Patrick says, it’s not something you can shake, or will away.

  • StephAnie January 16th, 2013 at 9:24 AM #11

    I’ve made some progress, for lack of a better term, up from when I was first diagnosed with depression. This description brings tears to my eyes because of its accuracy.

  • Clara January 16th, 2013 at 10:07 AM #12

    Wow. I have this happen to me often, have been diagnosed with major depression-but had no idea why I was thinking suicidal thoughts at certain times & not others. My best friend & I since high school have been depressed, but at times have wondered what’s wrong with everybody else!!!!! It becomes such a huge part of who you are, that you think it’s just your personality. I am totally in shock right now, realizing I’ve been have major depression episodes, yet wondering what my Psychaitrist sees in me that makes him believe I need to take anti-depressants. Is it normal that it seems worse every time it happens?? It also makes me feel like I don’t belong anywhere because almost nobody I know understands, so I feel like I’m always pretending to be someone I’m not. I always say I’m feeling great, because that’s all anyone can handle. I really wish I was just normal. Life would be so much easier…

  • Trish January 16th, 2013 at 1:01 PM #13

    I agree with all the comments, this is the best description I’ve seen. Like StephAnie, it brought tears to my eyes. It’s lethargy on steroids; hopelessness and feeling unworthy of well, anything good… The lack of drive or initiative only contributes to feeling worse as I look around and realize another day has gone by and I’ve accomplished exactly zero percent of what I wanted or planned to do. Intellectually I know it can’t last forever, but that knowledge is meaningless.
    If an episode is triggered by an event, and decisions have to be made, is it recommended to seek a different kind of help, away from typical psychological help? if you leave decisions to me, they just wont get made. is there such a thing as getting support with decisions that is more directive? If anyone has thoughts on this I would be grateful.
    Wonderful post, thank you for writing it.

  • Sara January 16th, 2013 at 8:14 PM #14

    It took me 20 years to move from my 1st depressive episode to writing what it felt like. At the end of 2012, I am finally over my mother’s death in 1976. It’s baby steps for me to climb out of sadness and loss. I go to therapy, I made my own affirmations for survival, prayer, and the latest on courage. Each of them are in mini photo books. I embellished them to be uplifted and positive. I read them every day. “I have courage to step up. It is natural to me.” “Everybody, even me, is doing the best they can.” “I know who to call and I know how to get help.” These are examples of my affirmations. It bothered me when a friend would ask me how I was and I said I was depressed. She said I was bored. Then she got depression and knew it wasn’t boredom. Someday I hope to see my daughter. I think about her all the time. Great description of Depression. Thank you, Sara

  • Lisa January 17th, 2013 at 7:37 PM #15

    I have read many articles and books on depression but this piece hit home – I used to think depression was my personal agony & I would never be ‘normal’. After 18 years of medication & exercise, physchologists etc. I am coping. I have given up hoping for inner peace or happines but I am getting through each day without hoping I would die. I am thankful for that. Thanks Cynthia.

  • Jen Fletcher January 18th, 2013 at 3:19 PM #16

    The most helpful words I’ve ever read about depression.
    A priceless tool .
    I really mean it – such a help!
    “Rewriting history”really hits home & proves that one is “of unsound mind” when in the throes of depression.
    Thank you so very much for this…..

  • Betty January 18th, 2013 at 7:07 PM #17

    Yes, this is an accurate description. I have struggled with anxiety and depression for more than 50 years. Major depression paints your current and past life with dark colors. I have not always been sad and depressed, but in depression all the happy or average times seem fake. Sometimes there is a root cause for depression that is desperately repressed and denied and will make you feel that you are living a lie while just waiting to die. My life was like that until recently when I was more or less cornered by my own insights and circumstances to face some realities that I had refused to deal with my whole life. I had never acknowledged the intensity of my feelings of unworthiness and shame which began at age 6, but instead wore a “mask” of confidence and an “armor” of courage. It got me through 53 years of functioning at a fairly high level with manageable symptoms but finally it failed me when a combination of life challenges proved greater than my acting abilities/coping skills. After 28 years I retired from my job on a mental disability as well as from life. The past 13 1/2 years have amounted to scraping myself off the floor and making feeble efforts to put up with life. Sometimes a person’s life really IS tragic and that reality is too awful to take in until you know it’s almost over. I don’t know if I could have dealt with such feelings as a young person knowing a lifetime was ahead of me. But now, I know that the fact that I am 66 and still here is a testament to a battle well fought and not lost. My fears and self recriminations are gone and its okay, in fact good to be me. I turned to God in desperation and He woke my spirit up. I was able to take another look at myself with His grace, able to credit myself for refusing to give up in the face of unbearable pain, able to forgive the other people and myself for attitudes and actions that added to my burdens. Now, even though its very late in life to finally have this understanding, it would have been a total tragedy to have passed through without the peace that fills my soul today, which makes the journey meaningful. I hope some of you will consider Christ as your Healer. Medications and counseling are good, but sometimes you need a refuge that is spiritual to really have the courage to be truthful. When you open your heart with His help, love comes in and poison leaves. There is no greater resolution. God bless you all.

  • Jen January 18th, 2013 at 8:43 PM #18

    Quite an amazing testimony.Sixty years of pain ,repression & denial.
    Now you can at last say “It’s good to be me.”
    While I don’t share your Christian beliefs,I do agree that spiritual refuge is invaluable.

  • Dee January 20th, 2013 at 4:05 PM #19

    Never have I had the words I have used repeated back to me verbatim. (Don’t deserve, better off, too good for me, the world would be a better place, no one would care if…)Quicksand, all of it quicksand. That is the most perfect description I have ever heard, and now I don’t feel so “ab”normal. I have been suffering and this article finally turned a light on in my reality that has been trying to glow for so long. Thank you, thank you. To Patrick: I know, I know, hang in there my quicksand commrade, hang in there…..

  • Chari January 22nd, 2013 at 10:09 AM #20

    Amazing and insightful article.

  • Brent January 29th, 2013 at 5:14 PM #21

    Betty, thank you for your comments. I am about where you were at age 53. I am 55. I have had some setbacks that I am having difficulty coming to terms with. I wish not to feel as I do, but I feel as though I am nearly ready to throw in the towel as you did at age 53. I am holding on and am embarrassed by my near admission of this. I wish to express my gratitude to you for your posting and your honesty. I have been seeing Stacey Wood a very kind therapist. She has tried so very hard to help me. I loose myself in my work. It is my cloaking identity, because I have lost my own. I put in a lot of free time because it gives me focus and some kind of direction. I have difficulty however on processing, now as a result of loosing my confidence due to errors in my life. I was a very happy person for nearly 50 years then the reality of who and what I really must be, was fabricated. I took the viewpoint that I was wrong and that I needed to turn off my brain because of my pride. This is where I am now. Straddling, teetering, on trying to be a good man but not prideful. I am not doing well with this journey. This effort to be a kind, real loving person without some self gratifying ego shoring up. I want to be a good man, a real man. A real real man, loving, confident, stable, one others could lean on, but I am not doing too good at getting there. Thank you for your story.

  • Billy February 13th, 2013 at 6:03 PM #22

    I always thought this was the way everyone felt when they were unhappy. I suppose it makes a little more sense now why I had trouble believing the psychiatrist who thought this was one of the problems I had. Still, if this is how depressed people think and feel, then what is it like inside of a “normal” person’s head? It doesn’t really make much sense. For about as long as I can remember, I’ve been trying to think of some reason why anything I do matters or what value being alive has. Every day is just subsisting and perpetuating an utterly mundane existence. Therapists have asked why I feel like I do not wish to live, as if I need a reason. I’m tempted to ask them why I should continue living since they feel it is unusual for me not to desire it. In any case, so long as the effort to live and to die remain in life’s favor, I’ll keep on…living, as it were. Until I can do something about that, this sums up the subjective experience fairly well I suppose.

  • jen February 14th, 2013 at 11:51 AM #23

    Yes! What IS it like inside a normal person’s head?
    What IS a “normal” person?
    DO they go into their heads ?

  • Cheyl April 28th, 2013 at 2:10 PM #24

    This is true. The best description on the way you feel I have seen. It is really hard to explain to someone who has not felt this how you think.

  • susan May 8th, 2013 at 8:50 AM #25

    very well expressed. i experienced all these but couldn’t express the feelings this well.

  • perbesh sarki May 17th, 2013 at 11:58 AM #26

    well, i was. in depresssion since my childhood and i always used to pray to god to take away from this earth.
    i was going through deep paranoid, i was having hard time to exist in this world.
    no one loved me and cared for me intead people has abused me and bulllied me, i used to cry everyday.
    Nothing was going right in my life, my esteem was going down and i had a extreMe inferiority.

    But one day i thought and. thought and i tried to learn how to be happy.
    i tried and tried, ua it was very diffilt.
    But i managed and now i m very happy in my life, although everything is not fine in my life but im surely goona make everything fine one day.
    frinds nothing is impossible you just need to work on your problems.
    if there is a will there is a way.
    And be lucky to be in depression because one day if you will be happy in your then you can experience supreme happines of life.
    thank you….

  • SWL June 14th, 2013 at 9:16 PM #27

    From my experiences depression is always a result of things like dependence, fear, trauma, selfishness, addiction and circumstances. Depressed people are in a bad spot, often of their own creation. They are the sort that have lost faith and do not dare to take risks. They never really face themselves and live within a limited range of experience since they do not allow themselves to break free. That is my personal experience with depression; depressed people do not understand that life is temporary and that they have the power to affect it.

  • Law July 5th, 2013 at 8:34 AM #28

    SWL, I commend you for getting to a place where you can say this. If you are truly speaking from experience, your voice deserves to be heard. Good luck

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT July 5th, 2013 at 2:32 PM #29

    SWL, You are saying some intriguing things, and I’ve re-read your post many times. My first reaction is that it sounds like you’re blaming people for an illness they aren’t responsible for. It is certainly true that we all make choices that make illnesses more or less likely, but we rarely have control over them. Depression is such a varied experience that it can come from many sources. I think the ones you name would be helpful if you could elaborate on them, so we can make use of what you’re saying. In particular, if your view comes from personal experience, tell us more detail about your personal experience with depression resulting from “dependence, fear, trauma, selfishness, addiction and circumstances.” Similarly, what is your personal experience with never really facing yourself, living within a limited range of experience and not allowing yourself to break free? I think all of this could happen, but I think it’s a damaging over-generalization to assume any of this describes all people who experience depression. Specific examples of your own personal experience might be inspiring to others.

  • Heather July 29th, 2013 at 5:12 PM #30

    This is definitely the best description for me. I always say I feel like I’m in a fog. I might show this to people when they tell me they don’t understand or get frustrated. & it makes me feel better to know that its normal to get more mad or frustrated or cry more when people are just trying to understand or help me. It explains why people always act like they give up on me. When really I don’t want arguments, just my husband to calm me down, make me laugh, distract me, cuddle me, tell me its okay or whatever. Trying to reason with me (or rather, the episode) sometimes won’t work.

  • Whocares September 18th, 2013 at 1:27 PM #31

    You know how many people think that I’m bipolar just because the depression subsides for a short bit? Then when it “rains” again, they’re shocked to find my mood has changed -yet- again. No- depression was sifting around all along, in the back of my mind, entrapped in a sort of prison… until its free to wreck havoc on my mind again. Bi-polar people in my experience are generally cheerful. Too cheerful for my liking.

  • Whocares September 18th, 2013 at 2:15 PM #32

    To SWL…

    “depressed people do not understand that life is temporary and that they have the power to affect it.”

    Quite the contrary. I can’t speak for other depressed people, but there is a depression that exists due to realizing just how temporary life truly is. The non-negotiable fact about life is that it’s non-negotiable. We’re all going to die, Status is completely insignificant. Those that do find significance in the meaningless strive for self-gain are the very ones caught up in a lie. Why am I depressed? Because philosophically, existence itself is a psychopathic conception. It doesn’t matter what I think or what you think in this life. Life itself doesn’t care about anyone. The illusion is the rewards people seek. We all think we live a life deserving of some kind of reward because childhood taught us that, graduation taught us that, grandeur achievements taught us that, moving up the latter taught us that… If there is true success in this universe, very few people actually have the sanest idea as to what it is. The power to affect life is simply not to engage in any of its human-bred atrocities. I don’t disagree with depression often being due to a bad creation, however, perception is reality, and that means life is just one completely subjective free-for-all. Everybody has their own canvas with their own colors, free to paint anything in their will. People actually believe that there is a “healthy” type of individual. Healthy is yet another illusion. How do you know that those who created the idea of “mentally healthy”, weren’t also ill themselves? Something humanity cannot come to grips with is that we are -all- ill. Most wont even bother to figure out why or how. While people do have the power to affect life, that doesn’t always mean the integrity is one of good virtue. In my observations of the disgusting human race, people mainly live for themselves first and foremost. Most everyone is too busy to actually care about the meaning of anything, and so they only have time to worry about their immediate concerns. All of this nonsense contributes to a mental illness I had no choice to be part of, you know, depression. I’m isolated from much of the world because I want nothing to do with its corrupted bullshit. Everywhere I go there’s corruption, and if people aren’t “mentally ill”, they’re downright absorbed by their own oblivion. If only they weren’t so oblivious, they’d be mentally ill like the other half of the world’s population. The complete joke is on humanity.

  • Slax October 5th, 2013 at 6:09 PM #33

    I’m so glad I found this. It perfectly describes what I went through. My teenage years were pretty rough and I often felt this way but I always thought it was because of the abuse I was suffering at the time. Then I found someone who treated me like a human being and I genuinely loved him more than I’d ever “loved” anyone before. I could no longer explain why I would have depressive episodes. I tried to get help from my GP but I don’t think she understood, or rather, I couldn’t convey my feelings properly. It got to the point where the only solution I could come up with was suicide. I almost died of a drug overdose. It took me to hit rock bottom to realize I wasn’t thinking like a normal person but I wish there was someone in my life who could have recognized that for me sooner. I’ve shared this article with my partner so that he has a better understanding and maybe will recognize the signs next time (if there ever is a next time). And if I ever go to my GP about it again I will print this out and give it to her and say “this is exactly how I feel”. I can’t imagine ever being like that again though. I honestly feel like I’m a naturally happy person and that I was not me at all during that time. It sort of suggests to me that I have no control and I could become that person again one day and not even realize it. That scares me.

  • Lucy October 27th, 2013 at 7:57 PM #34

    I’ve never heard anyone express the part that is the most shameful for me: that somehow the depression is so familiar now that it’s sometimes hard not to be in the dark. When it comes it’s like a blanket around me. It is the thing that feels the most hopeless, and even when I’m not way down in the pain I can’t believe I will ever change. I’ve been this way since I was 4 or 5. Always hiding the shame. I’m 50 and I still hide. As if I’m not real and the world isn’t either. Just pretend–everything.

  • Cheyenne November 14th, 2013 at 8:43 AM #35

    This describes me perfectly but you forget the part about how when people ask why self harm is an option for you . I have had to describe this feeling to multiple therapists (who never helped and took me off medication because I was “fine” or for me far from it). Self-harming is like making the pain inside of you real , able to see, everything melts away for a while. I was molested by my biological father when I was 7 until I was 12 years old. I became really upset my parents said I was lying and that I just wanted attention that’s when I started self harming. My biological father who just got out of jail (not even prison , lowering my self-esteem again because I think everyone thought I was lying )
    He only got 6 month. I had a few suicide attempt only one my mom knows the other ones I didn’t because I would never be able to leave my little sister with my step-dad (she is 5) I love her more than life she is the only person I care for . I was put in a mental hospital where I was locked away and all alone it felt like what was going on in my head . I got help and was clean for 9 months until last week. What made me relapse my step-dad came into my room and threw me out of bed and then picked me off the grind and threw me into the concrete wall , then last night I told him I was bisexual he grabbed my arm so hard I have bruises where his hand was . Last night was the night I wanted it all gone but then he went into my sisters room and hit her so many times because she took a necklace , she’s 5 she didn’t know better I went and woke her up and he had hurt he so much when she woke up she was still sniffling . I’m scared but to scared to tell anyone , he could get people to believe him over me . I don’t wanna leave my sister and friends but I want all my pain to end . If I don’t get help I’m going to end it .

  • GT Support November 14th, 2013 at 9:24 AM #36

    Thank you for your comment, Cheyenne. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • drea November 15th, 2013 at 9:51 PM #37

    Bullcrap. I’m so sick of this positive thinking fixes everything mantra. I don’t choose to be depressed anymore than my uncle “chose” to get cancer.

    The LAST thing anyone suffering from major depression needs to hear is that “if you only would –think more positive etc– it would go away”

    I have family members who think like you do and it only makes it worse.

  • drea November 15th, 2013 at 9:59 PM #38

    Its such a horrible dense fog to be in. Bills don’t get paid… utilities get shut off…. little things turn into big problems all necause you “don’t care” I can’t explain the extreme way in which you emotionally and physically feel so completely detached from everything. Your words hit home with me… don’t do anything and its only made worse realizing you wasted a whole day not doing it… rinse and repeat forweeks. Hardest part is that family doesn’t seem to understand and instead get angry. When I’m having a depressive episode I suddenly become the most unreliable, forgetful, flakey person on the planet.

  • Cally November 20th, 2013 at 4:09 AM #39

    @whocares.. I think you would make a fantastic writer and blogger.

  • April November 23rd, 2013 at 11:20 PM #40

    Cheyenne, Please get help. Please tell a school counselor or a pastor. If you have a cell phone you may document the evidence of abuse (photograph injuries, bruises) You can even use your phone’s video camera to record audio of him abusing your sister or yourself. You may want to immediately move the photos to a safe place where he wont possibly know about them (then delete them from your phone) I am so sorry you are facing this. I will be praying for you. If it continues and you feel you are in danger you should call the police. God bless you.

  • Rozman December 2nd, 2013 at 5:53 PM #41

    A brilliant explanation.

    I was looking for something or someone who can explain exactly about this thing – I didn’t know how to describe the condition in words myself.

    Thank you very much, Cynthia.

  • Andrew December 9th, 2013 at 12:51 PM #42

    My girlfriend broke up with me for no reason. We were together for 4 months and everything was great. All of a sudden she wants space to get her self help. Says it’s not you it’s me and we need to simmer down. We were both crazy in love. After that she didn’t respond. A few days later I asked her if she wanted me to move on. She said yes and that she didn’t love me. How is that possible in a week. Then I text her about being supportive and I’m always here for her. This is what she writes.
    Ive come to alot of realizations while trapped in my head..i was nvr ready to b in a healthy relationship cuz parts of me r broken n beyond repair..i was in love with love n it tricked me into thinkin i loved u and needed a relationship with a man to feel whole..im sry i ever brought u into my life n involved u in my demented thoughts of love..also im recovering fine..i hope u have a great life ..love does exist just not wit me..there is something greater for u i know it just believe. I responded but heard nothing. What do I do.

  • Sunday December 10th, 2013 at 12:49 PM #43

    I’m feeling the exact same way your girlfriend does, Andrew. And that sucks I’m sorry. All I can say is give her time and if it once was true In her heart than I hope it will be again. Good luck with everything!

  • Andrew December 11th, 2013 at 5:09 AM #44

    She did say she feels like she’s drowning and can barely keep her head above water. Also she feels like she’s crawling in her skin and wants to be left alone and all she wants to do is sleep. I don’t understand how everything was perfect and 2 days later she drops this on me. She won’t answer her phone or text me. I get the feeling she doesn’t care and wants me to move on. I had a connection and so did she that we were meant to be together. We had such an intense connection.

  • Chama December 12th, 2013 at 9:23 PM #45

    Exactly. I’ve had depression since I was about 12. When I was 23, I was living in my favourite city in the world, with my favourite people, and doing what I love best (illustration). I was so happy, and out of nowhere depression hit again. I did my best for 3 months, but ended up moving back with my parents and being unable to work for 2 yrs. I’m now living in the aftermath, the ruined mess of my life since I lost everything I’d worked so hard and happily for. I’m working again, but most days are a battle. I consider myself a naturally optimistic person, my depression is like a smothering shadow.

  • Jan January 29th, 2014 at 9:37 AM #46

    This has happened to my partner. The relationship was so wonderful until… his father (abandonment issues) became very ill and then passed away. He spiraled. He became very distant. Then he said stuff like “I don’t feel ‘in love’ with you”, etc. Left me. Now I can barely get through. His reality is that this is how he’s been feeling. (He was taking anti-depressants when we first started dating – he’d been on them for 2.5 years – and decided to quit them cold turkey 4 months into our 9 month relationship.) Would sending an article like this be helpful? To give him that perspective? Or would it make things worse? I know there’s nothing I can do here until he gets through this, but it’s excruciating at this end.

  • J February 4th, 2014 at 4:12 AM #47

    This article help’s understand I may be facing a depression, for how long is beyond me, my life seems to be a blank and I thought how I was, was normal. I’m finding it really hard to explain what’s going on at the moment to the professionals’ family and friends. I find it easier not to reply to calls and texts. Nonetheless telling my family every day the same things as its all I can think about in my head. This is because I’m so lost I don’t know what I’m thinking, what I’m feeling, what I’m saying, not remembering conversations and why I have done the things I have in my life. I feel like I have very limited memories or the capability to move forward. I’m not in a bad place at all and I know people come through a lot harder times then I, which makes this even harder to understand. I just can’t seem to be able to fix this or have any confidence in myself. I am seeing professionals and on medication but neither seem to offer any relief to my mental state of not knowing what to do all the time. I try to explain that I don’t seem to think about what I’m saying and words just come out my mouth and I’m told ‘well you seem to be in control’ I tell them I don’t want to do the things I used to do and don’t know why I ever did them or remember enjoying them or having any feelings. To which I’m told the information I’m sure we all receive which I am sure works for hundreds diet, exercise and socialise. However I never feel hungry just know I have to eat but never know what to eat or find much interest in food, been the gym and it offers no help. I’m not sure I have ever felt any feelings or if I ever will but I’ve got pictures of me laughing and people telling me I did used to enjoy things. I don’t feel I can move forward until I know who I am and what I want, however this seems to be tacking longer and throwing up more problems. ANY HELP sorry it’s so wordy for someone that does not have a clue what to say!!

  • admin2 February 4th, 2014 at 11:06 AM #48

    Hi J,
    Thank you for your comment. If you ever feel like you are in crisis, or you are in danger of hurting yourself or others, please seek help as quickly as possible.
    You can do one of the following immediately:

      Call your local law enforcement agency (911);
      Go to the nearest hospital emergency room;
      Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TTY:1-800-799-4TTY)

    You can find further resources at this page: http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    We wish you the best!
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • L February 5th, 2014 at 9:51 PM #49

    I’m extremely depressed and a grad student. I tried to make an appointment to see a counselor at my school but they only make same-day appointments, and I was turned away a few times because they were already full by the time I called. What can I do? I can’t afford anything else…any good self-help books to recommend?

  • admin2 February 7th, 2014 at 1:29 PM #50

    Hello L,
    If you are experiencing a life-threatening emergency, in danger of hurting yourself or others, feeling suicidal, overwhelmed, or in crisis, it’s very important that you get immediate help! You can do one of the following immediately:

      Call your local law enforcement agency (911);
      Go to the nearest hospital emergency room;
      Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TTY:1-800-799-4TTY)

    You can find further resources on this page: http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html
    You can also look for a therapist on GoodTherapy.org via our Advanced Search, here: http://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html

    We wish you the best!
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT February 7th, 2014 at 1:54 PM #51

    Wow, that sounds like a funky system. You might look for a clinic run by a grad school that trains therapists–seeing those in training is often inexpensive or free. There are lots of self-help books. If you go to my website (via my GoodTherapy.org profile), you can find mine, which has all the most effective self-help techniques I’ve collected and invented and used over my 30 years of doing psychotherapy and also healing myself.

    Don’t give up–keep reaching out until you get the relief you need!
    Cynthia

  • carolyn February 7th, 2014 at 2:51 PM #52

    TOO MUCH TO TYPE STORY,AND HAVE A SERIOUS ILLNESS BECAUSE INTERNALIZING MY EMOTIONAL PAIN HAS MADE ME ON DEATHS DOOR TWICE, BY MANIFESTING IT IN LIFE AND DEATH SITUATIONS.

  • luc February 16th, 2014 at 1:27 PM #53

    The problem w/ this and every other psychologist’s description of depression is that it’s unrealistic. Yes, that’s exactly how I feel. But when you’re depressed for years, how exactly do you go about not making any decisions?

    And I know I experienced those things before I was depressed. The problem is I don’t experience them now. Depression has altered my reality, but it’s still reality. I’ve been in therapy for years and was a guinea pig for all kinds of meds for years before that.

    I have had very good therapists, and awful ones. The psychiatrists are the worst of all.

    You need to realize that life is too difficult for your tidy solutions. My depression has ruined everything I’ve ever had, and I’ve gotten myself in horrible places financially trying to pay for “help”.

  • AC February 19th, 2014 at 7:34 AM #54

    Hey there J, I know precisely how you feel or for better terms don’t feel. I’d use the word scary, but even then it’s not a tangiable fear. I’d say it feels sad, but then by this stage we don’t really feel sadness. We can admit to ourselves that we can try to make ourselves feel happy and for a time it genuinely feels good though with the foreshadowing of a return to null.
    Riddled with guilt and complexes based around being in this state and getting up and out.
    But a question just occurred to me, when was the last time you tried to feel sad.
    It’s not a magic bullet but it really feels to me that it’s a repression of sadness anger and other “negative” emotions; trying to stay on the up side Which creates very little dynamic from which to view life.
    Kind of hard to get into the swing of things when you’re only trying to swing in one direction.
    I’ll be incorporating this more often in my reflections from now.
    Really, I’d rather be bipolar than suffer this any longer.
    And to think I once viewed apathy as an endeering quality.

  • AC February 19th, 2014 at 8:00 AM #55

    This is a very good descriptor of what may be going on. It at least feels very comforting for me to read, as does reading any other article on someone’s view of depression.
    Be aware that this can form a sort of addiction. Not sure if it’s bad. ‘Chasing the dragon’ of sorts to find a magic cure all answer, and you never even get to glymps its tail.
    Not that I’m at all qualified to give advice, but the term depression seems to have been appropriated by many suffering from apathy. A fatigue of resisting emotions perceived as negative or weak.
    Unaddressed these emotions can come out through inappropriate behaviour or if left left too long result in a complete lack of behaviour.
    Thanks for sticking with him through this, you probably have no idea how deeply you are appreciated.

  • Anna March 4th, 2014 at 8:48 AM #56

    yes awesome article. the clinical description is not even close to giving you a real idea of what it’s like

  • shananah March 14th, 2014 at 6:18 PM #57

    This article articulates depression in a way i haven’t been able to. I’m hoping that I’ll be able to share it with my husband to help him realize how crippling my latest depression episode has been. I’m afraid if we aren’t able to communicate this that it will destroy any happiness we have or had a chance of haVing. Thank you for your words.

  • Darlene Denker March 22nd, 2014 at 6:28 PM #58

    I’ve been struggling with depression (and most recently, panic attacks) for over 20 years. I’ve tried almost every medication known to man and as a result, I have insomnia brought on by anxiety and sexual aide effects (trouble with orgasm). I’m wondering if anyone has experienced the same thing and if so, what have they done to help the situation?

    My boyfriend and I fight plenty because he doesn’t understand and he thinks I’m just overly sensitive. He’s always telling me that I see the glass half empty. I tell him that he should beore supportive and stop doing little things to upset me or stop with the commentary.

    I actually wish shock therapy was still around because I’d seriously give it a try at this point. I’m tired of moving from therapist to therapist and medication to medication. I feel like a freak with added side effects because of my long history of medications.

    I think I will eventually send my boyfriend a copy of this to try to help him understand. Thank you for any and all responses.

  • Beverly Mason, LPC, PC March 22nd, 2014 at 9:43 PM #59

    I suggest EMDR therapy to deal with the reasons you are depressed. No amount of medication is going to help you until you find why you are feeling so bad, and work it out of your memory with EMDR. Go to EMDRIA and look for a therapist in your area. I truly hope you will do this and see a change in your life. You deserve happiness and joy.

  • Adam March 23rd, 2014 at 8:54 AM #60

    J,
    These feeling of being unable to return phone calls and not having interest in texts or distance from family are all too common. I lost my fiancé of 10 years and we now share half time custody of our son. The culprit was my depression, I couldn’t pin point why I felt the way I did or what made me turn away from him, her, my family and especially hers… I was able to control my anxiety through alcohol and felt the source of my depression was her or her family who I always thought “never got me” or “didnt like” me… Neither of these were true. I only needed a culprit so I drew a line in the sand with the world and no matter who tried to cross it I kept them on the other side. I m finding help from equine assisted psychotherapy which I do weekly. The horses see my pain and literally open me up to the point of my purest vulnerability and for that hour I feel like I can be me and not judged by the world or trying to hide from my emotions. It’s an incredibly freeing experience that I highly recommend. Best of luck to you on your journey.

  • Darlene Denker March 23rd, 2014 at 4:14 PM #61

    Is that like hypnosis?

  • kathy March 23rd, 2014 at 4:22 PM #62

    ive lived with my hole life and its very hard on me

  • BipolarDepression March 24th, 2014 at 3:51 AM #63

    One thing u aren’t pointing out or recognizing is that there aren’t always ‘things’ that make u depressed or need to be “wiped from your memory.” Sometimes it’s a chemical imbalance that were born with. Talking with a therapist doesn’t do anything for a chemical imbalance that’s causing your depression. I know this because I LIVE IT. The only thing that helps a little are the meds. People always want to ask “WHY” are u depressed? As if I was dealing with the death of a loved one or going thru a divorce,etc. but that’s not the case! Therapy can’t fix everyone! It drained my bank account & did NOTHING for me. Sometimes I think the more educated people are actually the biggest idiots…ugh..

  • Mm April 10th, 2014 at 2:28 AM #64

    Please get help. She’s five. The help you get by telling someone will save her future too. She’s too young to have a voice. You have to be her voice. And yours. Please!!! I have a five year old and this deeply saddened me. You must be brave and save her !!!!!!!!!!

  • MM April 10th, 2014 at 3:11 AM #65

    My boyfriend of two years became depressed a year or so ago. It was like watching him transform into a stranger before my eyes. I became helpless trying to support him.
    He stopped everything he enjoyed such as hiking,sex and socializing. I tried things like telling him he didn’t deserve it, taking care of small daily duties so he didn’t have to, read books on things to say and not to say to a DP, etc. He still abandoned me three months after a miscarriage. We had a happy strong connection.
    He stopped calling. Talking. Seeing me or anyone. For a year I would contct him every so often–sometimes with three weeks or so going by but typically two. He would admit at times that he was glad I still loved him, And would say he was afraid of losing me, miss me and would come talk to me soon. He never showed up. Time and time again. Eventually my loyalty began to hurt me. I went from loving and supportive to bitter. I got sick. Very sick. And was alone in it. I grew frustrated that he held onto me just enough to keep me loyal but never showed up for me. And although I knew it was the depression, not the real him, after a year it’s hard to not get bitter back. It’s hard to be loyal and often be seen as the enemy. He eventually alienated himself from everyone. He became a robot. Sleep (some), work, eat, sleep, eat, work. That’s his existence. He was once funny and loving and adored me.
    I grew weary and at the end I lost it. I pressured him for an answer. I was ready to either move on or stay but his unjustified uncertainty about us was deeply hurting me. I knew his depression was tearing us apart. And he got worse. He started cussing me if I called. He began to abuse me and attack my intentions saying it was a trap. It hurt deeply because I wanted to scream “a trap? This isn’t a joyride buddy. What exactly am I trapping here?” But I didn’t. I stayed. Although he had grown verbally sbusive–a man I never knew to say damn even for two years of dating him-he cussed , had rage and misdirected anger.
    The end came Saturday when I finally was exhausted by the neglect, hot cold bs (I could be his angel and a bitch in the same conversation) , and abuse. I top of all this he gave up. Said this was the new him. So sad to witness this as I was helpless to help him. I made apts for him to docs, got him on medication at the on set of it, and tried to even just get him out. Once I showed up at his work and lunch and just asked him to walk at the park. We quietly walked together. I’m not sure I did the right things but I tried. For Xmas I made a shadowbox with all his favorite things and things that made him him in it. ..drums, his daughters pic, his favorite music, pic of him running 5ks etc. I really tried.
    On Saturday I finally had had it after another three weeks of silence and waiting for him to talk to me about us and his well being. So I showed up uninvited at his home. I sent a zillion texts. I just lost it. :(
    And boy did he respond. He came over and screamed at me. Said leave him alone. (A five min call every few weeks isn’t exactly hounding him), he said I was emotionally abusing him!, he said everyone else went away and I should to, he never loved me and never would, and to shut my big f*****g mouth. He screamed my worst insecurities at me. He took all the things I had shared w him for years and hurt me w them w his words. I knew I had pressured him and I knew at the end I had become needy and panicked as he kept losing himself to darkness. I acted out of character and damn he was going to use that to blame me for it all and jet. I was very disappointed that I had stood by his crazy moments etc and he wouldn’t return the same to me in mine–especially when this situation was a driving force getting me there. He couldn’t love me through my meltdown. He ended up breaking his hand that night punching the floor. Sad. Mean. Angry. This once nice quiet man became a monster and abusive. I’m not sure if he meant the things he said to me or if it even matters anymore. He seems to have accepted this as his fate. And I’m left repairing myself now. I will always love him but clearly the damage is too much to ever repair. To have someone go from glad for you to get the f*** away from me is painful. I only can assume he said those things to push me out but it doesn’t make it hurt less. So I’m done. And I wish I had done a better job giving him space. I just did what I thought was right. I’d worry for weeks about him and would reach out. I am now according to him a stalker who wants someone who doesn’t want her. (That’s his words). Just weeks ago he was glad I loved him still. How confusing and sad. I can never go back and he made sure of it. I’m a casualty of his depression. He barely looked up as he stepped over me after knocking me down. I feel foolish. Angry. Sad. Worried exhausted. Unwanted. Unloved. Confused. Regretful. I lost my best friend, lover and a soft and kind man to this bs. I will never get over it. I hope he does. What a loss.

  • Ana Castellanos April 12th, 2014 at 8:10 PM #66

    There are medications for depression that have few or minimal sexual side effects, Wellbutrin is one. your psychiatrist would be able to advise if it would be appropriate for you. Orgasm is usually the problem.

    ECT is still available as outpatient treatment in many hospitals. It is very effective for some people, some memory loss is a frequent side effect, it’s usually for memory right before and approx 6 months after treatment.

  • Ana Castellanos April 12th, 2014 at 8:16 PM #67

    Ask your Dr if maybe you need a higher dose of medication or possibly need to augment its effect with medications that are FDA approved to augment antidepressant effect

  • Maria April 20th, 2014 at 3:09 AM #68

    @WhoCares, I think you read minds (and express their thoughts beautifully). You described my experience to the T, much better than I could dream of doing. Thank you.

  • chris April 27th, 2014 at 6:35 AM #69

    This is a hauntingly accurate description. The depth of this depression wipes out all logical thought. I can only thank you for describing this hell so well and so beautifully.

  • Emma May 1st, 2014 at 11:07 AM #70

    A good self help book I found was “Evolving self confidence, how to become free from anxiety disorders and depression” by Terry Dixon. I struggle with major depression and anxiety,panic attacks and although this book is not a cure it helps to understand why….

  • M May 2nd, 2014 at 8:04 AM #71

    I feel like I’ve been through this so many times now. I’ve been struggling for over ten years. I couldn’t finish high school. I haven’t been able to stick with a job for more than a couple of years. I completely wreck the people that love me. I’ll be doing great, I’ll be happy, I can breathe for a little while, and then all of the sudden, something is wrong. I’m not quite sure what it is at first so I search my life for things that could be making me feel this way. I usually end up crucifying my partner. I say things like “You don’t care”, “You don’t understand”, “Why can’t you just (care more, love me, understand, go away, shut up, leave me alone, etc.) He said something to me last night and it hit me kind of hard. I wish I could remember exactly what it was but I feel like there is this fog in my brain and sometimes I can’t even remember what I had for breakfast or why I opened up google on my web browser. Anyways, last night he said something along the lines of, “I will never do enough, be enough, be right”..something like that.. Basically, there will always be something wrong. And I will always blame it on him. Because I don’t know what else to blame it on. I’ve tried getting help, therapy, medicine, diet and exercise. I will get better for a little while and then its like someone just smacks me down. Darkness takes over my brain. What used to be something to look forward to now makes me want to hide under the covers of my bed. My thoughts are all negative and twisted. Thinking he will be better off without me, everyone would. Worthless, can’t even keep up with the laundry. Useless, can’t even find a decent job. Crazy, how could anyone love me, tolerate me, stay with me. I have torn my life apart trying to find the reason for my pain, for my unhappiness. I have wrecked people because I can’t function like a normal person, at least not for very long. I’m getting so so tired of this. I DO NOT want to kill myself, not even a little bit. I just can’t imagine the rest of my life with myself. I figure, eventually, auto pilot will just kick in. I can go on living life, not really feeling anything, which would be a welcome relief.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team May 2nd, 2014 at 8:28 AM #72

    Thank you for your comment, M. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Ali May 2nd, 2014 at 7:29 PM #73

    I was diagnosed at 15, but looking back, the depression was around way before that. I was a deep thinker as a child, and was often teased, getting anxious about death, growing older, and was overly critical of myself. People ask what I’m depressed about. Being depressed (i.e. My dog died) is NOT the same as having depression. The depression has changed and evolved with me as I’ve aged. There have been days I couldn’t work, but I manage mostly. I know they signs when an episode is coming on. I know I need medication, the same way a diabetic knows what foods to be careful of and that they need their medicine. It’s a chronic disease, and like others it needs care. I’m 30 now, married, and I have a son, who also has emotional issues, which started showing up in daycare. I don’t ask why he’s depressed, or what happened to make a child so moody; I know. He has a chemical imbalance, and I explain it to him as best I can. I just wish people would see the issue as a health issue, which it is, but people have a stigma about dealing with MENTAL HEALTH problems. It’s not all in your mind; it’s literally in your brain, and a person doesn’t just “snap out of it”. I mean, you wouldn’t tell someone having a stroke to just cut that out, right?

  • Chris May 3rd, 2014 at 8:13 AM #74

    I cannot think of putting into words what severe depression is like than the above.
    I feel as though I am an inmate in a prison.A prison that I have created for myself, but one that is no less isolating.
    At worst, the only comfort it seems is the blanket over your head.

  • Chris S. May 8th, 2014 at 9:55 PM #75

    I HAVE BIN CLINICALLY DEPRESSED for 25 YEARS . HAS DESTROYED MY LIFE ! I AM 48 YEARS OLD , I HAVE HSV AND HAVE BIN ALONE FOR THE LAST 7 YEARS . MY FAMILY HAS ABANDONED ME . DEPRESSION is like being an alcoholic !!! 1 you have to know that you suffer from it !! 2 . you have to understand when it’s affecting you !!! LIKE a drunk!!!don’t drink !!! ???? MIND OVER MATTER !!! After I tried and dam near succeeded in committing suicide , they pumped me full of anti depressants !! when Itook enough I couldn’t function? Would tie one shoe and forget the other ??? O….YA!! That made things much better !!!!!!!HATE has filled me sinse !!!!!!!! I HAVE NO DOUBT I will die from the gun !! I think about it every day !! I just don’t want to live any more to be alone ?? I live in a prission with NO walls ? My consence wont let me wreck someones life for a few minits of pleasure? HATE KEEPS ME WARM ..?? This INFERNO IN ME !! Hotter than the surface of the sun !!!!!! I pray I die BEFORE I EXSPLODE !!!

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team May 9th, 2014 at 9:08 AM #76

    Thank you for your comment, Chris. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Holly May 12th, 2014 at 12:13 AM #77

    HOLY S***!
    WELL SAID, WHO GIVES A S***! PERSONALLY, I’VE NEVER BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH DEPRESSION BUT HAVE THOUGHT ALONG THE SAME TERMS YOU DO……
    I COMLETELY AGREE WITH WHAT YOU SAID AND MY OH MY, HOW BEAUTIFULLY WRITTEN AS WELL!!!! THANK YOU FOR EXPRESSING YOUR THOUGHTS BECAUSE I NEEDED TO HEAR SOMEONE ELSE THINK THE WAY I DO IN REGARDS TO THIS CRAZY LIFE WE ARE FORCED TO LIVE.

  • Kristina May 15th, 2014 at 10:46 PM #78

    Wow!! That’s exactly how I think of depression! I got diagnosed when I was 16 and I say the same exact thing! I hate the stigma around mental illness and that it’s just a chemical imbalance in the brain. That’s all! Thats why it was hard for me to accept I am bipolar… And that you cannot just “snap out of it!!”

  • JJ May 28th, 2014 at 9:59 PM #79

    Andrew: I don’t know if I should say the same thing to my boyfriend but I do know how much it will hurt him if I do break up with him that way. I am sorry your girlfriend broke up with you but if I may try I sort of relate to what she is doing and why she did so. She doesn’t want to drag you down with her, I don’t want to drag my boyfriend down the dark pool I am currently floundering in. And I know I can become very hurtful when I am in my depressed moods and I hurt those around me, so I wonder if I should give him a choice to leave me? And she probably thinks its the best for you, that you don’t have to experience the torture of someone in the bubble of a depressed person. I hurt those I loved the most and if I can I will sever my connections with them so I can’t hurt them that way but unfortunately I also know the only way for me to this is to never exist you know? I don’t think you can ever understand her reason and I am sorry it has to end that way, but with your experience maybe I have an idea of what my boyfriend would feel and I will try not to do that.

  • Susie June 15th, 2014 at 8:43 AM #80

    Depression Fallout is a website that has really helped me. Like you Jan I am on the receiving end of the effects that depression has on loved ones. The message board is filled with people living the same things you are. In fact sometimes it feels like so one must have been a fly on the wall in my house because the things they say they have been told by their depressed significant other are exactly what I have heard. They only way to get through this is to know that you are not alone living this fallout. You have to work on yourself if you can hope to be there for your depressed partner. It is the hardest battle I have ever had to fight. And I am fighting it alone.

  • Anthony June 16th, 2014 at 3:26 AM #81

    I would feel light headed, then just start to cry..all I felt was a light head,a spinning stomach,and like your about to faint. And the only way to stop those feelings is to cut…that’s how it felt for me.

  • Steve June 18th, 2014 at 10:34 AM #82

    OMG! How horrible for people to feel this way. It doesnt seem humane. I don’t know how people get through these episodes. I have been depressed a couple times in my 50 some years of life and man, it was so unbearable. Im not really sure how I got thru it. It felt like I was in a dark black room with nothing, not even me. My wife has BP with slim episodes of depression and I am trying my best to understand this and support her. I realize that there isn’t much I can do to help these episodes pass and all I can do is comfort her. Sometimes I get angry at the fact that this even exists and nobody has found a reason or cure.
    Thank you all for sharing. As well as helping yourselves, you are helping others, tremendously.

  • stacey June 18th, 2014 at 8:08 PM #83

    I want you to know that God loves you more than you will ever be able to understand… He has a purpose and plan for your life. Like myself, I’m sure you’ve tried everything else to no avail. Please give God a chance, you will be sooooo Happy that you did!!!! Your friend in Christ!!!

  • bunts June 20th, 2014 at 9:35 PM #84

    I want to know more about it because I’m feeling the same way..want to eradicate it soon.
    what is the solution?

  • Cynthia Lubow June 21st, 2014 at 1:19 PM #85

    Bunts,

    Depression is one of the main reason psychotherapy exists. We have treatments that work for most people. Get yourself into some good therapy so you don’t have to suffer anymore. The longer you wait, the harder it is to turn around, so your instincts are good!

  • Julie June 23rd, 2014 at 8:49 AM #86

    Reading so many comments and can add my own situation which was so like all of you alls, my relief came after menopause. With this being said — have hormone levels checked.

  • april June 23rd, 2014 at 12:41 PM #87

    I truly don’t know if I will ever survive in this world the way that I’m feeling. It started at 14 I’m now 33 and it’s gotten worse! For many reasons I lost my children trying to commit suicide and that kills me to the frost of my soul. I hate myself more than ANYONE and I just want it to stop so bad :(

  • april June 23rd, 2014 at 12:54 PM #88

    This depression and bp and ptsd and anxiety have ruined my life and those I love! I can’t help it but no-one understands but it’s my fault I blame myself even tho I know I can’t help it! My husband is all I hv left and my insecurities are pushing him away too y won’t God just take me now I never succeed when I try and I’m sick of hospitals I well never forgive myself for losing my babies I have so many other things that I can’t let go they are killing everything that I know is good in me :( I’m lost scared and feel so alone

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT June 23rd, 2014 at 12:59 PM #89

    April,

    That is so sad that you lost one of the best reasons to live by trying to kill yourself! Please find some good therapy–you shouldn’t have to deal with this alone.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team June 23rd, 2014 at 1:06 PM #90

    Thank you for your comment, April. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT June 23rd, 2014 at 1:12 PM #91

    April,

    You weren’t trying to kill yourself to get your kids taken away–I’m assuming you were trying to kill yourself because you couldn’t stand the pain anymore, and losing your kids was a horrible side-effect. Even if your kids aren’t with you now, they need you to be alive. Kids whose parents kill themselves have a much much higher chance of killing themselves too. Much of this could heal, and they will eventually grow up and you could develop a beautiful relationship with them (if not sooner). You can’t erase yourself from their minds by killing yourself–you will always be hugely important to them, because you are their mother, even if they only see you in their minds. When they see you in their minds, think about what you want them to see, and do your best to be that. It’s not too late.

  • Amy July 1st, 2014 at 3:54 PM #92

    I experience some serious mood swings, like for a couple of months or so I will be extremely depressed, like nothing good can and will ever happen to me, I sleep loads and can’t seem to get out of bed most days, this is particularly when I would experience more anxiety and almost like small panic attacks a lot. I then turn the complete opposite where I would have all the energy in the world and can’t stop talking or moving, it’s crazy.

    Not only do I experience these mad mood swings that I can’t help and has no inbetween, I also sometimes go into like a trance. Feels like nothing is real and that I am not even like there or connected to the world, which is when I will harm myself due to trying to feel something.

    I have tried to going to the doctors about it but got too scared and left. I’m still currently trying to build up the courage but it’s difficult, I guess I’m still in denial and I’m scared that they would send me on my way saying it’s just hormones or something.

    I also forgot to add when I’m in my depressed state I will normally go to all lengths to feel good enough, I will starve myself and restrict what I eat. I am aware this very unhealthy and that I do need help, I just want someone else’s opinion on what could be wrong?

    I’m sorry this is long, I had a lot to explain!!

  • im.a.gernade.one.day.i.will.go.off July 1st, 2014 at 6:22 PM #93

    I AM 15. I was told after filling out paper work @ the doctors that i am showing signs of depression. I knew i was struggling. I had intrusted a few close freinds with the information and i was told to snap out of it. Id like a responce from a mothers perspective…. if ur kid told u all the depression that was going through their head how would u honestly respond. My family hates many aspects of my personality and i hate how people judge me. I push myself to strive for the best but stress over loadss my life and i dont know what to do.
    -help

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT July 2nd, 2014 at 9:34 AM #94

    I’m a gernade one day I will go off,

    Your user name concerns me, and so does your overloaded stress, your family not liking your personality and your depression. If I were your mother, I would be very concerned and shower you with love and attention and hold you in a way to keep you safe. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with such tough stuff without enough support. Can you see a counselor or therapist? Are there people in your life who love you unconditionally? Maybe a grandparent or Aunt, teacher or parent of a friend? We all need love and support–please try to get some and let them help you reduce your stress. Getting good grades won’t help you if you don’t want to live.

  • Emma July 3rd, 2014 at 4:43 PM #95

    I have been depressed for years now and the part you wrote about how it feels to have it, is exactly the way I feel. The only thing I know is that medication do not solve depression entirely, only solving the problems behind the depression. Because if you do not face the problems, they will not disappear and you will still struggle with it.

  • Brad July 4th, 2014 at 10:57 AM #96

    April,

    I suffer with sadness myself I am working on my mind that feels sad. In this extreme situation you got to find hope. Hold on and keep searching for help.. The mind can hold on to trauma of the past and that can make one struggle. The things that have happen have not been pleasant I understand. Just realize the sad things that have happened are not always in your control, nor is it your fault.

    My challenges stem from my childhood and have haunted me as an adult. My personal development has been stalled to years of allowing the pain to plague my life.. A person can tell me one thing that ingnights my thoughts to over think. Thinking about running away from fears, pain from the past, and not truly getting what I want out of life. I am struggling, I get caught up in sadness that I can’t realize is not true. Every person goes through challenges some cope with that much better than others.. We are only human. I have used addiction to help me through that makes it more challenging.

    I’m now 39 years old and have struggled tooth and nail.. With my life, jobs, and relationships. I have ended friendships that I ran from in fear from past friendships that didn’t work out the way I wanted. I have destroyed jobs in rage from having trauma happen in other jobs. People see this and pull away. I have not been confident and have struggled in insecurity. Then if something reminds me of the past my brain if not healthy recreates past anguish. In the heat of the battle in our minds we do not realize what is happening..

    I have recently reconnected with my family after five years of holding anger against them. I am starting to go back to therapy. Talking it out helps a great deal. I can’t fuss over spilled milk. What done is done. This is why I am again looking for help to work through these challenges.

    I have right here right now. I am not sure what is ahead in my future nor can I fear it. Then what’s in the past is no longer with us. We can not put energy into what once was. Fear is a lie we as depressed people tell ourselves due to struggles in the past. I have been working on my mental health for about six years and it gets easier every time. I have stumbled and that’s ok. We can not be hard on ourselves. Again we are only human. My skills to build a healthy life have been stifled from things that have not went good in my past.

    I have not always had the right tools. We must take steps to move forward. All I can do now is create positive situations and keep a positive attitude. I still have time and that is golden because we can work on great experiences now. You take care of yourself and if you need help do not be afraid of going and getting help. You are taking a brave step to a better tomorrow!!

    -BRAD*

  • GoodTherapy.org Support July 4th, 2014 at 11:31 AM #97

    Thank you for your comment, Emma. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT July 5th, 2014 at 9:38 AM #98

    Emma, I agree. I hope you are working to resolve the stuff that is causing your depression! Brad, I’m glad you are working on things–thanks for your inspiring message!

  • Kristin K July 5th, 2014 at 7:19 PM #99

    My mother was recently diagnosed with schizophrenia after having to be committed to a psychiatric hospital. She has gone misdiagnosed for years and as her daughter I’ve experienced a lot of negative consequences of it. I had become pulled into her pathology. At the same time, I recently found out that my dad has only a few months to live. I’ve been estranged from him for several years due primarily to his alcoholism. Before discovering all if this I had recently started going therapy for anxiety which was soon diagnosed as social anxiety. I had had some depressive symptoms before but they often stemmed from my anxious feelings. Now, I feel so bad. When I wake up it’s the worst… It’s such a dark terrible feeling. I feel like I have to put on a show for others and it’s exhausting. I’m still going to a therapist but I’m scared to think how alone I am in this when I only see her every 2 weeks. I feel like I’m drowning.

  • GoodTherapy.org Support July 6th, 2014 at 10:42 AM #100

    Thank you for your comment, Kristin. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Bettina July 7th, 2014 at 10:46 AM #101

    My heart goes out to you all struggling with depression. I’ve known about my depression issue my whole life but never sought out treatment. I just let it run its course which I do not recommend. Over the past few years I’ve been a caregiver to an 80+ year old Korean veteran who has severe depression, PTSD, and alcoholism. This sounds like a horrible mix of two clashing perceptions of depressive thoughts but it really has turned my life around and I can say the same for him too. I have no family of my own just my husband. The elderly man has children that never gave a damn about him and now that he has a nice pension coming in they are trying to have him committed. Their attempts have failed because I always fight to bring him back home with me, they’ve even resulted in telling professionals that I beat and neglect him. If they could only see what they’ve done to him

  • Bettina July 7th, 2014 at 10:54 AM #102

    There was more I wanted to say but I accidentally posted too early. All the stress and anxiety these people have caused him and I, we’ve both felt like giving up. He is tired of living, and myself the depression consumes me I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I have all these fears of what would happen to this man if I give up completely. But the isolation part of the episode makes me want to pack up and run away from all the bull sh*t. Everybody hang in there please, there are others out there that need our help with handling depression. There are a million reasons to live and only one reason to die.

  • Kevin K. July 12th, 2014 at 2:27 AM #103

    Dear Amy,

    As I read that I started to realize you were in understandable and sensical way telling more story. The absolute extremes, the not having any normal middle zone, being so energetic and over the top talkative that even my immediate family will just look at me with their stare and body language saying “I don’t even know what you’re saying 90% of the time, with the added feeling of them with that same stare conveying “I don’t really give a shit about what you’re rambling about anyway!!!” I know my behavior has caused it due to my mental illness, and I realize I play a role in trying to manage it by being more aware of what “state I’m in” count to ten, and give that person a chance to talk, or even just an actual break from conversation. It’s so frustrating because even my Mom and Dad are my biggest supporters in just loving their son as any good parent would, but also financially. Even they will say. “Well” “Then just don’t act like that, or have that behavior.” Like anyone would wake up in the morning
    wanting to come accross as scatter brained, feeling extreme opposites in your own emotions, and bringing with it such intensity, even I would take pause to notice something is a bit different and
    a little too intense. I feel like people see me as a cooky scatter brained bother or
    A lazy do nothing, depressed, completely useless person. I’ve def come a long way with self worth and value as just a human being. I have to
    Admit though that there’s a pretty solid undercurrent of I will always feel and think of myself as an unworthy loser. I just have never felt that I would have valid explanation of why would I matter or be of beefit to someone. I still feel bad that they’re were going to waste time on me when there’s actual, legit people out there who are worth knowing
    and even falling in love with. The one thing I will say that gets to me, is even though I’ve always felt undeserving, I’m so Lonley. To have a partner in crime, who has your back, and they chose you not because they have to because they want to. That would feel really good to experience that type of love.

    W

    M

  • ncola July 12th, 2014 at 6:06 AM #104

    I know the anguish you are going through. I am currently being told he wants to be alone and it’s killing me. I want to move on so that I don’t become further depressed but then I feel bad for abandoning him but yet he can do it to me. I feel so lost right now.

    Would love to talk to you in private. Maybe we can help each other

  • ncola July 12th, 2014 at 6:10 AM #105

    That is what is so difficult. My boyfriend of a year has had depression for 25 years. Nothing works. Sometimes I even wonder why he takes meds since he’s still depressed? He gets barely 2 to 3 hours of sleep at night. I feel horrible for him but it’s also taken a toll on me because this is all we talk about. How can you possibly deal with feeling like this all your life and not be getting any better?

  • Vane July 12th, 2014 at 3:05 PM #106

    It feel like I should go die of so much

  • GoodTherapy.org Support July 12th, 2014 at 6:52 PM #107

    Thank you for your comment, Vane. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Syd July 13th, 2014 at 8:07 PM #108

    Hey, Vane, just a shout out to you. If I knew how to make an emoticon hug, I would do it.
    Love, syd

  • Syd July 13th, 2014 at 8:21 PM #109

    Hi, Kiddo. (15 year old.) So glad you reached out, the people on this forum seem really nice.
    hey, people you love may not know how to deal with your pain. They just may not, for whatever reason. I mean, we drive cars, and use cell phones but we wouldn’t necessarily know how to fix them. So, that said, you’re not alone, because clearly there are lots of people who feel much like you do.
    I used to be a teacher, and I have to say, you seem like a cool kid. Part of being an adolescent is learning to deal with uncertainty. I just read on this forum, how depression makes uncertainty harder. So you have your work cut out for you!
    so, trust me on this….you will hang in there and hang in hard. And one day, you will turn around and help someone else. And you will know it was all worth it.

    (And also, don’t forget your homework! Told you I was a teacher.) of course, it IS July….
    big love to you.
    Teacher syd

  • DarkRose24 July 17th, 2014 at 5:00 PM #110

    I have thoughts of suicide almost everyday, I acted on them before and was not successful obviously. I’m so tired physically and emotionally, this world had drained me. I feel as if I can’t go on.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team July 18th, 2014 at 9:41 AM #111

    Thank you for your comment, DarkRose24. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT July 18th, 2014 at 9:52 AM #112

    DarkRose24, I’m so sorry life is dragging you down! What could possibly help you recharge? What has helped in the past–even a little? Clearly you need rest and emotional food.

  • CN July 20th, 2014 at 6:30 AM #113

    I could not have described my feelings any better. When people say there was such thing as a functioning addict, I would wonder how is that possible. Decades later, knowing that I was more than a moody, unhappy teenager who liked to keep to myself I understand. I was the model student/am the model leader by day. But I now see I have lived 2 lives. I older I become the more one bleeds into the othe. I function for necessity and wish the rest of my hours, days, and years away. The pain is physical, emotional…it is real. I’ve recently reached out to a psychiatry’s office to do intake through a therapist but must continue searching for someone that my insurance covers. I’ve felt unhappy most of my life. Due to things impacting who would have taken care of my child, I’ve held on. But the best 6 months of my life was when I was “getting my house” in order so my child would be ok. I know it’s sad to say if someone asked that the best time of my life was planning to die but it’s very true for me. When people imply I’m not grateful for what I have or need more rest or vacations I want to scream. I’m a Christian and relatively intelligent but these experiences are not a think yourself happy. Believe me by faith or intellect, if I could “fix’ it I would have. This existence is difficult….and I’m writing this while on vacation holding back tears while everyone sleeps. I found this article because I googled how to be around others when you are happy…because putting on the face grows more challenging by the day….

  • John July 20th, 2014 at 10:01 PM #114

    Im glad to see that someone was able to describe what depression really feels like and get it all down.

    I often find myself fighting my sever depression episodes all alone and just want to kill myself but dont merely because I hope and pray someone will give a damn about me to try and help.

    I have some help from my girlfriend but sadly it’s not enough and I find myself crying and screaming alone all over again (mostly because shes in a different state)..

    I told my mom my problem with depression and she got me on medication but I feel like its not working.
    My mom instead of trying her best to make me feel better is only making it more and more painful to deal with.

    I already have a really difficult time dealing with anxiety and stress and all she is doing lately is making it worse.

    I’ve had three- four if you count an hour ago, anxiety and panic attacks because of her drama this month.

    I’ve tried making up with her but she only tells me how im such a disappointment to her no matter what I do and any appolagiese mean nothing to her no matter what I say them for.

    Im always hurting allover and I just want it to stop and stop for good.
    I often find myself getting close to letting go of my life and falling into the never ending sleep.

    I’ve tried hanging myself and over dosing on my depression medication but of course cant seem to go through with it.

    I haven’t heard my mom say she loves me to my face in years and every second she doesn’t feels like a knife to me.

    The only two who really help me during my times and seem to really care if I take my life or not are states away and I nor they have the money to go see each other.

    I feel like I should put myself in an insane asylum to spare everyone from dealing with me when its clear they don’t care.

    My best friend whom was the only person able to pull me from my deepest times no longer talks to mean and i think she even hates me for no reason.

    I want to go home yet despite being in my bed I feel no where near home.

    I don’t know what to do any more.

    After finding this I shared it on my facebook and hope that people finally understand what I feel during my depression episodes and won’t act they way they have been and actually try to help me.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team July 21st, 2014 at 8:49 AM #115

    Thank you for your comment, John. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • amanda t. July 24th, 2014 at 3:25 PM #116

    People that fully understand are hard to come by, even professionals don’t always get it right. When I hear of others suffering I try to reach out to help because I know how it feels and because I desperately want support myself. It dosent always happen, you are attention seeking, woe is me there are so many worse off people. That is the thing we know there are, we know we are not the only ones, we know that there are worse cases than ours but that does not mean we don’t deserve the same respect and support. I have met many people with depression, anxiety and many other mental illness and the one thing that has stood out for me is the leve; of support and belief is the main thing for coming out of the pit. I call mine the beast, it is always there but of course I put things in place to help it, support others that need it, but it always rears its ugly head.
    I get most disappointed when I try to help people, through my own experiences, conversations with others and many courses, I do have knowledge, I may not have paper work to back it up but I do have insight, that can sometimes be more powerful. there response can vary from oh she thinks shes a psych, or I wish she would stay out of it. The truth is I am just trying to help from things I have experienced, I have a good heart.I try to help, nothing wrong with that, it comes from a good place,it is well meaning. why cant people see that instead of saying im trying to get attention. Just not quite good enough.
    When I read articles like this it does give me hope, hope that ok I am not completely alone with my feelings.
    thank you

  • Abbey July 27th, 2014 at 4:45 PM #117

    I’ve felt depressed and suicidal for two years now and recently its got a whole lot worse. My parents found out about my self harm about a month ago. They found out from my best friends dad because i was too scared to tell them about it and i hate how much it hurt them that i couldn’t say it myself. Only 6 days ago my best friend told me that she thinks that we should spend time apart because my ‘illness’ has negatively affected her and that she can’t cope with it, i know that its better for her that way but now i feel abandoned and even more alone and Im afraid that she’ll stay away from me forever. The day after her dad texted my parents about me and her spending time away from eachother but my parents didn’t know about it or the reasons why and i was forced to tell them that i want to kill myself. My mum dealt with it fine but i don’t think she understands how serious i am about it. She told me that suicide is selfish and stupid and that she didn’t think i was a selfish person. That made me feel ten times worse. I have thought a lot about why I’ve become depressed and I’ve come to the conclusion of social anxiety, i haven’t been diagnosed but from my research it appears to be extremely likely that i have it. I have a panic attack almost everyday before school because Im just so scared and worried that people will see me and laugh like the always do so i hide behind my hair and speedwalk through crowds or just avoid them at all costs. I avoid eating in public so i don’t eat at school or when Im out with friends and I’ve started developing a habit of not eating as a way of making me feel better about myself because i have that control over whether i eat or not. My best friend (before i pushed her away) kept telling me to go to the doctors and once i agreed and attempted to make an appointment but i got scared of going behind my mums back and never confirmed the appointment (so now the doctor probably thinks I’ve committed suicide). Now that my mum knows everything i suggested i go to the doctors but she said that medicine would only mask the problem and is a short term solution. But i don’t think she understands how much i just want to feel happy again, to get my best friend back and live life without suicidal thoughts constantly nagging my mind.
    I have attempted suicide by trying to suffocate myself while everyone was asleep not long after the depression started two years ago but my reflexes kicked in and i obviously failed, being a twelve year old at the time i was foolish and perhaps a little scared of dying. Now Im nearly 15 and the thought of death doesn’t faze me, I’ve come close to suicide, I’ve nearly drunk bleach many times this month, i know its meant to be the most painful way to die, but the thing is, Im an addict when it comes to self iinflicted pain. The reason why i haven’t attempted suicide is that Im still coming up with a plan that will insure my death. That’s how i stop myself from crying sometimes, i think of three ways to die before i go to sleep, and usually I’ll doze off with a smile on my face. Im no sure why but I’ve been clean from cutting for a few weeks now and my thoughts of dying have increased a tenfold. Maybe its because Im not punishing myself.
    I know i am a teenager and maybe my hormones are raging but these feelings are real and Im falling deeper and deeper into the abyss. Everytime i look in the mirror i want to punch it and smash until my knuckles bleed and cut my wrists with the shards. I don’t know how to stop these maddening desires. When Im round the people i love i just stare off into space blankly because I’ve become trapped in my head where Im constantly arguing with myself and it feels like I’ve been having conversations with the people around me when really I’ve spent half an hour staring at a wall silently. Sometimes i scream and cry when no ones home because i know that Im going crazy and Im aware ofthe fact that people are just fed up with failing to make me happy. If i ended it, their lives would be so much easier.

    Also, id like to say thank you for this article and all the comments about peoples stories, its nice to be reminded that there are people out there who know how i feel and won’t just tell me that Im ungrateful, selfish and stupid etc. Does anyone have any coping mechanisms to share?

  • GoodTherapy.org Support July 27th, 2014 at 9:14 PM #118

    Thank you for your comment, Abbey. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT July 27th, 2014 at 10:36 PM #119

    Abbey,

    We do have treatments for what you’re going through. It’s really important that you get yourself to a good psychotherapist, or possibly a psychiatrist who does psychotherapy. You have a chance to live a happy life, but the sooner you get help the better. No one should have to suffer so much, and you deserve relief! Find someone you trust and tell them all these details. There’s so much life ahead of you, if you find a way to get through all the pain. If not, you might end up doing some terrible damage that will cause you more suffering, or losing out on a good life. Will you get help?

    Cynthia

  • Abbey July 28th, 2014 at 4:28 PM #120

    I am going to try to get help, my mum asked me earlier if i wanted to go to the doctor and i said yes but i don’t know how to tell her that i want to go on my own because there are many things that i haven’t said to her that will upse her that the doctor should probably be told. Im also scared that they’ll tell me its just hormones and that they can’t help me.
    My mum keeps crying and i know its my fault but i don’t know what to say to comfort her. I can’t say that suddenly i don’t feel like committing suicide cause that would be lying, and I’ve been lying to her everyday for 2 years and she doesn’t deserve it.
    I really dont know what to do, Im making everyone else miserable which makes me feel even worse. Today i nearly cut myself again, i watched a movie and a guy slit his wrists, it was a massive trigger and i couldn’t stop thinking about it, i think the only thing that stopped me was the fact that my brother was upstairs and he doesn’t know about my depression yet. I wish i had, self harm usually keeps the bad feelings away for a few hours, even days at best. But i haven’t cut for weeks (due to my mum scouring my arms and legs for cuts) and the suicidal thoughts are worse than they’ve ever been.
    One thing that I’ve noticed is that Im always at my worst in the summer, in winter time i was sure that id almost snapped out of the depression, i had energy and my grades were high but looking back i can see my energy sapping and my grades lowering as the recent months have passed. Does anyone else feel similar?

  • Layla July 29th, 2014 at 6:20 AM #121

    I have read this over and over again, breaking into tears each time. The lady who wrote this has put into words what I have struggled to try and help the people close to me understand what I feel, all I can ever muster up is “I’m just tired” or “I don’t know”.
    My heart screams out to me to show them this, make them read it, but my head says NO!! they will just think your crazy. I’m caught in my own private hell.

  • Tasha July 30th, 2014 at 8:31 PM #122

    Hi I’m tasha.. I read this and was like woow. So I guess I’ll share my story and maybe someone can help me out … So I use to lice in Kentucky with my mom and my step dad. All my family lives in Kentucky. My mom,(Moms side) grandma,great grandma and Grandpa (who raised me technically from when I was 4-14 years old so ten years of my life I’m 16 now), my brother and lil sister,(now my dads side) grandma and grandpa .. So I recently got forced to live with my dad a year ago and now I have a choice to stay or live with him he is in the army and stationed in new York every time he takes leave (2 week vacation 2ce a year) we go to see my family.. Well this time were on vacation and like were leaving tomorrow morning just said goodbye to everyone and I have been crying nonstop for 2 days straight… Its to where I have the hugest headache from crying and I have big bags and circles under my eyes and their swollen its like these two days I just feel so depressed and idk what to do I want to stay so bad the next time I’m going to see them is Christmas and its 5 months away so like idk I have no clue why it hit me so hard its like I can’t get my mind of the images of saying bye and everyone crying its so hard to not forget I been quiet I guess trying to jeep it in in front of my dad and its so hard… Like I just feel so weak and just idk how to describe it but like a really bad depressed feeling like all through my body where nothing means anything anymore… Like can someone help me out please? I read this and just broke down in tears. I have had depression before and its been a year but idk I just feel so bad… Have no clue what to call what I’m feeling.. Thanks for reading…

  • Shriveled Muse August 1st, 2014 at 4:50 PM #123

    Seeing as how many people have shared their story, perhaps someone who is suffering similarly can help me with mine.

    I have depression and just recently started to get panic attacks. Depression has been my reality for the last 10 years and I’ve lived with it by suppressing my emotions. By doing this, I act out every day as another person: a fake persona that I created that would be accepted by the “norms” of this society. No one knew that I was depressed, much less suicidal for all this time because this was the only thing that I worked hard to protect. I did all I could to appear “normal” and to prevent anyone for knowing my secret because I’m not ‘supposed’ to be this way.

    A few months ago, a new friend (and my only close friend) revealed to me that he had depression as well. Knowing this, I felt safe to tell him my secret and how I’ve been suppressing it all this time in order to just function in my daily life as a university student. He told me to stop suppressing because it’s unhealthy. And so I did. Or at least I thought I did.

    It got worse after that. Now that I was feeling the emotion again, I felt suffocated. There is now a dense ball of emotion simply swirling, churning and gnawing away inside me. From this, I started to get panic attacks. And I got them every single day. I frequently need time to be alone so I can attempt to let out all this crazed emotion either in the form of tears or panic attacks. I can’t let anyone see me when I’m in this twitchy, trembling, hyperventilating and moreover, insane state.

    Then I realized that I didn’t actually stop suppressing. I still am suppressing, and I’m suppressing so much more than I actually thought. I realized this when I somehow managed to unscrew the cap on my bottled emotions one day – just for a few seconds – and was immediately overcome with an intense panic attack.

    I can’t trust anyone anymore. They are only causing me intense pain while not even knowing and I am paining them in return. There were times when I accidentally let my true self out, only to get ridiculed and scorned. It hurts terribly to know that a fake that I created is better than me. I used to confront my problems and be optimistic and all that stuff until experience ruthlessly taught me otherwise.

    After typing down at a least 30 000 words of the plague that was my thoughts on my computer, I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to completely un-suppress my emotions in order to solve this depression. If I don’t, then I will continue living each day feeling like shit, dreading every singly second while desiring and craving death every step of the way until I actually do commit suicide. I live every day in fear of people, trapped in the dark abyss if depression. There is nothing scarier than reality. I can’t remember the last time I felt happiness or excitement. Fun? What’s that?

    Does anyone know how to unsuppress emotions? I’ve been suppressing all these years so I have no idea how not to. If I do manage to unsuppress, then I will have to battle my sanity with my emotions until one wins. I’m willing to take this battle if it will end my living hell.

  • Elizabeth August 7th, 2014 at 4:22 AM #124

    I am not an expert in depression or any other disorder, i am no a depressed person either. I do have an anxiety disorder so isnt like im a complete ignorant about feeling something you want it to go away, and i wanna tell you that i am touched by your story. My partner has depression, and i am always scare he is doing what you re doing. I always try to encourge him to open up with me and to not hide if he is feeling depressed. I also read every article I find about how to deal with someone depressed, and actually, the last article i read (that was 5 mins ago) said that there is 80 to 90 percent rate of recovery for depressed people that look for professional help. That is amazing, dont you think? But the sad part is, only the 33% actually look for help. And maybe my partner and you are in that 67%. And there is nothing i want more than him to switch to that 33%. Or better… Increase that 33% to a higher number. And is what i am trying to do now. You probably have someone near you, just like my partner does, that is begging for you to get professional help. I know is hard to do that step, I did it with my anxiety disorder. But, what are you gonna lose if you do it?

    Don’t lose hope, you deserve to be happy and to enjoy life.

  • Elizabeth August 7th, 2014 at 4:36 AM #125

    You don’t have to worry about telling your mom you wanna talk to the therapist alone, he will want to speak to you alone, so don’t make this delay the visit to the doctor, go now with your mom, you will have plenty of oportunities to speak with the therapist without your mom there.

    Btw, congratulations on deciding to get professional help, you are an inspiration. Don’t get scare at the second step, you have people supporting you as i can see.

    Best wishes

  • Elly August 7th, 2014 at 5:12 AM #126

    I think something psychiatrists and other mental health professionals don’t realize (or elect not to tell patients) is that the very act of seeking help from them dooms a depressed person to being viewed as in an episodic crisis mode for the rest of their lives, whether they pass through and out of the episode that brought them to the professional in the first place or not. For the rest of our lives, when filling out medical history forms or responding to questions about our histories, the second we mention having been treated for major depression in the past, any and all information we provide is filtered through a belief that whatever we’re there about has its roots in depression.

    To those who think perhaps a locked psych facility is an option for recovery, I can only say this: I’ve been locked up twice, and those two places were among the bleakest, most soul-devouring places ever invented by man. Maybe prisons are worse. Perhaps internment camps and refugee camps are worse. But if you believe you have a soul (which Western psychology does not), and you end up in such a facility, be prepared to have that soul ripped right out of you. To the people “helping” you, it’s simply a delusion created by your illness. Cure the illness, the need to delude yourself with a ‘soul’ will vanish. And by going to a shrink or other mental health professional, you identify yourself to “the system” as one of the poor saps who needs his/her delusions torn away. And THAT will be everyone’s goal from that point forward.

  • Elizabeth August 8th, 2014 at 10:36 PM #127

    John, i might not know exactly what you are going through, but I know what your girlfriend is, because i m in that situation with my boyfriend and i m surprised how similar you and him talk. He suffers depression episodes aswell and have problems with his mother, i am miles away and dont have money to go see him. I wanted to tell you, no everyone knows how to deal with someone with depression, maybe that s why your mother acts like that. It would help a lot if you made her read more about it so she can understand you. We get desperate because we dont know how to help you. I was desperate myself at some point, till i inform myself. You dont have to think she doesnt loves you, she does, maybe she didnt learn how to say it. Maybe she have some problems too. The point is, is not your fault that she is like that. And if you really love your girlfriend and your mother, get help, because depression doesnt cures by itself, you need to put effort. Is not impossible to recover either. You need to search for a therapist as soon as you can and be patient, is possible to recover.

  • Kimberlee August 9th, 2014 at 8:38 AM #128

    I was traumatized during my youth. To begin, I was born with a cleft lip…but I was unaware of my facial deformity until I began elementary school…I can faintly recall the first time some kid let me know that I was differant and I knew he meant to make me feel like a freak show….I was five then….I believe that our personalities are first and foremost geneticly passed down to us…from that……it transforms according to our envirnment.. my Dad was a great father, husband and provider…but when he got waisted on alcohol…he was so very scary…I had way too many traumatizing experiences for my innocent little mind…..so you take 18 plus yrs of my life in a volitile up bringing and then elementary school was shocked with how i found out i wasnt like the human children…i was made to feel like i landed from mars and that was tough….I have so much more to add in detail that its too much to text but what I want to tell you is that I have your same exact problem all the way to crossing the T and dotting the i ….the only thing that i believe I have to offer to you is some ways that I mastered because my genetic determination that has always strived to be the best I could be…so that means if I am depressed..Im going to strive to find out why so i can fix it.. basically…I have learned to know who I am…what I am feeling…where did it stem from…is it a valid feeling…..and I had to stop needing my moms approval or opinion..that took yearssss…she played the biggest part in my emotional mess…this was said to me years back ” We dont get to choose who are parents will be” we do choose our friends….if we were able to choose our parents, would it be the ones you were born to? Probably not is what i said….if you have a friend that is causing you grief…you simply let go…..well, unfortunately it works the same way with family… ..I have so much to say but i am so busy today and answering this took a hour…believe it ….you can email me personally…I would love to share each others pain because neither of us will make the other feel worse than we already are…by making harsh quick judgemental statements such as “get over it , my goodness… life is what you make of it” i guess if you want to be miserable you will stay there…. but dont make everyone else depressed with your woes” JUST ONE EXAMPLE OF SOMEONE EITHER IGNORANT JUST DOWN RIGHT MEAN

  • Rae August 11th, 2014 at 7:55 PM #129

    Why do other people dismiss your depression or minimize it? Some people don’t get how I feel and that it’s not reasonable and with meds I recognize it and other times I don’t. Is it normal to have chest pains, cry for no reason and sometimes don’t want to live? It feels like a daily battle.

  • Mary Owens August 11th, 2014 at 9:56 PM #130

    Hi Amy. Your story sounds so familiar to mine, just with less details. I unfortunately tried using drugs and alcohol to regulate ups and downs, and try ad feel” normal.” And more connected with reality. I remember screaming to my father at one point I THINK I’M CRAZY!!! He told me if I really felt that way he would take me to where the crazy people go. The psych ward. I got scared, and said nevermind and went upstairs and had a panic attack (I didn’t know it was a panic attack then,) knowing I had meant what I said. Despite all this I still managed to get jobs, attend college and do well and almost graduate with an A.A even though at points I was out of touch with things, had massive mood swings from super happy (almost unshakable invincible) and up for days to feeling completely depressed and worthless (I cried for hours sometimes) and needed substances to work. (I worked an average of 50-60 a week my last full- time job, and was promoted from wiping tables to manager in a year and a half.) Around the age of 17 I started experiencing the need to sleep less and less, a good night was 3 hours and this was lasting months. Then at 18 I started getting really bad anxiety,so I found out after going to the ER after months of experiencing horrible feelings and feeling like I was going to have a heart attack. I felt at times I was in a movie, or on a journey that wasn’t my own. Or I was watching things happen. Sometimes I feared people were against me. I had one major depression about 20 where I got laid off and it lasted 3 months. I didn’t leave my house. My phone got disconnected. I stopped eating and lost 50 pounds. I slept most of the time. And had terrible hygiene. I thought the world was going to end. When I was 22 I decided to get sober after a break-up with a boyfriend which put me into a severe depression and saw my G.P. He prescribed an antidepressant to help me though this time. I started behaving a bit strangely, right away. But I felt better and was getting lots of things done. I got a second job, and my day boss had no idea I was working two jobs. I got really creative and did art work all the time and stoped sleeping. I wore wigs, and dressed in creative costumes, which did not go over great with my boss at the financial planning office. (Epecially what I tried to work with some Rock Star looking sun-h lasses on!) It all became clear what was going on for years when I got pulled over doing 85 in a 35 at 3:30 in the afternoon, coming back from a doctor’s appointment to my first job. The sheriff asked if I knew how fast I was going and I wanted to show him my craft projects. He told me it was a blind person area and I said “Well I guess he would have never seen me coming!” He saw the antidepressants on my front seat, as well as Xanax and when I was questioned I told him they were miracle drugs because i was sober, I no longer had to sleep, I was writing and painting and drawing and I had two jobs and I felt better than I ever had in my life. My house was completely organized and cleaned from top to bottom. Because I had no drugs on me, or alcohol on my breathe and not even a parking ticket to my name the sheriff called my boss, and I was taken to the Emergency Psychiatric Emergency Room. After evaluating me I had both manic and hypomanic features. Almost all of those symptoms included:

    Euphoria
    Inflated self-esteem
    Poor judgment
    Rapid speech
    Racing thoughts
    Aggressive behavior
    Agitation or irritation
    Increased physical activity
    Risky behavior
    Spending sprees or unwise financial choices
    Increased drive to perform or achieve goals
    Increased sex drive
    Decreased need for sleep
    Easily distracted
    Careless or dangerous use of drugs or alcohol
    Frequent absences from work or school
    Delusions or a break from reality (psychosis)
    Poor performance at work or school.

    I also had suffered from depressions, including that one major episode. Those symptoms included:

    Sadness
    Hopelessness
    Suicidal thoughts or behavior
    Anxiety
    Guilt
    Sleep problems
    Low appetite or increased appetite
    Fatigue
    Loss of interest in activities once considered enjoyable
    Problems concentrating
    Irritability
    Chronic pain without a known cause
    Frequent absences from work or school
    Poor performance at work or school

    That night,they diagnosed me with Bipolar I and started me on medications to bring me out of the severe mania that had been exasperated by the antidepressants. I have learned Bipolar Disorder starts out in your early teens and twenties as anxiety and depression both of which I was being treated for. Your story, reminded me of things I had felt no doubt before this incident that led me to get diagnosed. If any of the things I listed you too experience, please go see a psychotherapist who can work with a psychiatrist to figure out what’s going on, especially if it might be bipolar disorder. Because of your description of the very high phases you experience in particular, I think it’s definitely worth seeing a psychotherapist and a psychiatrist to see what’s going on. Bipolars are the most likely out of all the mental illness patients diagnosed to kill themselves. (I myself have had one suicide attempt that was nearly successful, landing me in the hospital receiving treatment for an overdose that nearly killed me. Had my boyfriend at the time not come home early from work, I would not be here writing you tonight.) About 13% are successful, where only 9% of schizophrenics are. Without treatment who knows how high that number is. And whatever is going on, getting yourself in the hands of professionals who will understand you and not judge you is the best place to start your recovery, because I can tell you personally getting treatment was the best thing I ever did. Life is so much better now. I have been living diagnosed for 13 years now. Life is not perfect, but I don’t live with fear any longer or feel out of control. I can spot when things are going south and go to my doctor and therapist, and my family and friends now understand that I have a disease and they have learned how to be a healthy support for me. I have also met lots of other people with all kinds of mental illnesses, who I have learned so much from and my family members have even come to me and confided in me that some of them are on medications for different anxiety/deression/bipolar disorder illnesses now. I learned too that in many cases what medication works for your family members has a better chance chemically working for you, so if you do get diagnosed talk to your family members. If they are on psychiatric medications it might be a good idea to give those ones a try first. Life can get better. And the only thing that was wrong with me was I didn’t feel great a lot, and I was scared of what was wrong with me. Having depression, anxiety, bipolar etc is just like having diabetes. Once you know what it is, and have access treatment it becomes more manageable and you start learning how to best deal with it with all the tools that are out there. You deserve to not be scared, to feel better and live the best life you can. Through therapy and medication I can not tell you how wonderful life is now, and how great my relationships are compared to back then. I wish and hope the same for you. Hope that some of this helps, and no matter what never give up. Take care.

  • Bettina August 11th, 2014 at 10:05 PM #131

    I read your post & could feel the anguish you are in. My heart is really touched & I want you to know that complete strangers care about you & want to hold you up until the pain goes away.
    “Come to me, all who are weary & heavy-burdened & I will give you rest”~ said God

  • Joe D August 12th, 2014 at 6:21 AM #132

    Yes you are right about the importance of letting emotion out of the jail. I have been running emotional workshops and it seems to me what gets labelled as ‘depression’ might more accurately be labelled ‘suppression’ and instead of taking a life sentence by being labelled as OCD or ADD or ADHD it might be nicer to know something of the less popular disorder I’ve labeled GLAD ( generalised lack of anxiety disorder). Once a person gets into healthy relationship with their emotional world the rest of their world seems to get a lot kinder too.

  • laura August 12th, 2014 at 7:21 PM #133

    Jesus! Call on His name! Read “Lord I want to Be Whole:The Power of Prayer and Scripture in Emotional Healing”. There is power in praising His name. Ask Him to forgive you for your sins and let Him in. THEN…MOVE! If connections people or town make you anxious AT ALL start anew!At least take a sabbatical. I have been in such mental anguish I thought I could not go on. You WILL heal! God bless you. I WILL PRAY FOR YOU!

  • Louise August 12th, 2014 at 7:24 PM #134

    I have been where you are. It took over a year to find the right combination of meds to stop the nonstop anxiety and panic attacks that caused me to lose 50 pounds and take a leave from work. I had to go to different doctors until I found one who had expertise in my particular symptoms, many of which were GI related. Don’t give up no matter what!!! That’s a command!!! If you have been raised in a particular faith, go back to it in earnest. I can’t tell you that prayer made me feel better at the time, but it didn’t make me feel worse. And now with the benefit of hindsight I know how much it helped me without my even realizing it. The medication that literally saved my life is called Remeron. If meds don’t give you some relief, there’s ECT. My doctor says it is without a doubt the one thing she knows will work on intractable depression, and the side effects are minimal compared to the past.
    I will keep you in my prayers!!!

  • laura August 12th, 2014 at 7:42 PM #135

    April! As I related above, I have been in the worst mental pain possible.God loves you no matter what!Why hate yourself?! The devil wants to take everyone down with him. People are quick to treat with meds but this is as much a spiritual battle. Read, “Lord I Want to be Whole: The power of Prayer and Scripture in Emotional Healing” by Stormie Omartion. I am praying for you. Find a pastor who can introduce to you people and a church where you have love and support. GOD BLESS YOU!

  • Rachel August 13th, 2014 at 12:08 AM #136

    I’ve always been an optimistic, happy, bubbly and cheerful person.
    I’ve never seen myself as negative and even if I was upset, I would never let it get the best of me. In school I’m doing well acadamically and I’ve always been in a good social circle, I have a wide range of friend whom I knew I could seek comfort in. I’ve never felt like I had trust issues and everything
    Until recently, probably end of last year, everything changed.
    I got myself into some illegal doings and being underage, I wasn’t allowed to smoke but I did it anyway. Smoking didn’t help me in the long run but I sought it anyway. I found myself not being able to trust anyone, especially my ONE best friend whom I thought could help me but no…. she turned her back against me. left me hanging like i suddenly didn’t mean a thing.
    That’s fine…. I self harmed a lot and I’ve been doing nothing but booze and cigarettes. Many a times I wanted to seek help but… who could I turn to? I didn’t want anyone in school to see what I’ve became. They noticed a change but no one asked and even if they did, they laughed it off and said it was normal. So it did, this emptiness became something that was “normal” to me and I no longer felt it was bad or anything wrong. That’s when I noticed something wrong… Why is everyone doing better and getting better when I’m drifting away? Is it me? Everyone to me seems mad about me and I can’t take it. I still refuse to think it’s a mental illness or refuse to think something bad happened but honestly deep in my heart I know something’s wrong.
    I love my family, I’m blessed with a happy good family and it’s also why I don’t share much and I put on a show infront of them because I don’t want to worry them and let them see that their successful daughter has became something they never thought would be. so I wouldn’t be their nightmare. I want everyone to be happy….
    I usually never think of death as a bad thing. I still do. I don’t think death is bad; it’s something everyone has to face. But to face it too soon, it’s sad and horrible. And I’m just looking for my way out and I just don’t want to love and live anymore.
    How many times I’ve heard “I’ll always be there for you.” but I never felt it. In a room filled with all my close friends, I’ve honestly never felt so alone and out of place.
    I know I haven’t elaborated much about what triggered this and all. There are just so many things and I can’t seem to put them into words. I can’t seem to find the things to say.
    Maybe I’m just normal… They say it’s a phase… is it really? Please just……. let me out I want out.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team August 13th, 2014 at 11:51 AM #137

    Thank you for your comment, Rachel. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Barnie August 15th, 2014 at 1:21 PM #138

    This is a very accurate depiction of what the world looks and feels like through the lense of depression. Thank you for expressing it so well.

  • Vanessa August 15th, 2014 at 4:15 PM #139

    that was the best explanation Ive read. And helped me because Ive been struggling with this issue and feel very guilty that I cant just get myself out of this depression by being positive

  • Melanie August 15th, 2014 at 4:19 PM #140

    Great article. I too suffer from major depressive disorder. Most of the time, thanks to a healthy lifestyle,medication and therapy I am very happy however during the dark time is dark. I work as a therapist in many capacities and I always share my struggles with my clients so that they can see there is hope. I also want to express one of my biggest frustrations, when a written article states ” they admit that they suffered from depression” like the person committed a crime, I just read this statement in an article regarding Robin Williams. How is the stigma supposed to be decreased with these types of insensitive statements? Thanks for reading! Melanie Palmer, MFT

  • Kim August 16th, 2014 at 10:15 AM #141

    My family refuses to understand these things about my depression which has been almost constant for several years. I wish they would try to understand.

  • Jill August 17th, 2014 at 4:21 AM #142

    Get help. I’ve been where you are and was caught in trying to take my life. Thank God! It made all the difference. I was trying to hide it and appear normal. I didn’t want to bother or worry anyone. It almost got me. It’s been 7 years and I still have little boughts but know what to do to shake it quickly. I’m amazingly happy and so sad to think of everything I almost missed. And how much I now know my family and friends really did care. If you want to talk, I’m happy to darling. Big hug!!! Hope is so marvelous when it starts to filter back through. You may even giggle. Love to you, Jill.

  • Jill August 17th, 2014 at 4:25 AM #143

    Those are normal sweetie. Talk with you doctor about changing dose, medication, adding a booster like Abilify, maybe talk therapy. You can beat this monster. I did. Write me if you want to talk. Anyone on this site is welcomed. Hang in there my friends. Your life is worth finding, reclaiming and living!!! Hugs sweethearts. Jill.

  • Karen August 19th, 2014 at 3:16 PM #144

    Depression is…a non existence of life

    Depression is…a non existence

    Depression is…

  • Michael August 19th, 2014 at 3:47 PM #145

    “What It’s Like Inside a Depressed Person’s Head” is the Rosetta Stone of my depression; I’ve never been able to put into words what it is like, especially the feeling that people would be better off without me. Thank you

  • ashiq August 20th, 2014 at 1:28 PM #146

    Hello,
    I was wondering if I could talk to about my problems, I don’t know whether to call it depression or not, all I know is that everytime I come home, or I’m with family, I’m most of the time unhappy, it’s like they hate me, i get treated differently, i have a love hate relationship with my family, but i mostly feel hate, so much hate that I end up loving my friends more than family. I cry, i feel sad, I buy alot of money to keep myself happy, but really buying something can only keep you happy for soo long… I don’t know what to do, i love the fact I’m alive and try to live to the fullest, but how can someone live with no love but just pure hate… I get bored at home and hate having to see family just look down on me and put more hate on myself, I want to cry but keep my emotions hidden, I’m not allowed to go out for too long or I’d get screamed at. I went holiday recently and my own uncle goes to me that he hates me and finds me boring and that I’m a s**t person to be with, while all my mates think otherwise, funny enough my mum called me on holiday and asked me why I am a boring person. I feel broken, at home if no one was in, I’d cry all day, friends bring out my smile so I don’t feel the need to cry to them. I’m only 19 years old, there’s not really much I could do, i felt this pain from college years, I’m in university now, and while I know I made the mistake of taken up the accommodation offer at uni, I still feel that would have made no difference to my depression/sadness. I don’t know how to live anymore, I just want to move out and live somewhere by myself, I can’t seem to find a job, can’t seem to do anything right in life, don’t even feel like there’s any point me living to be honest, I’m just a waste of space. I feel empty…

  • GoodTherapy.org Support August 20th, 2014 at 2:34 PM #147

    Thank you for your comment, Ashiq. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Laurie August 20th, 2014 at 5:52 PM #148

    Hello! I would love to “talk” with you if you have some time. Your comments to others seem very kind, and I am really trying to find some people with whom I can talk about the way depression has affected my life. I do NOT have anyone I can talk to who really “gets it”, and this has become increasingly tiresome. Like really. So anyway, write back if you would care to hear my thoughts/share your own. Thanks!

  • lora August 23rd, 2014 at 10:23 PM #149

    I was told today by my mom…who is a registered nurse…that I was using depression as an excuse to not pick up after myself…I totally shut down..we’re not speaking.. it’s not an excuse… it’s a reality…,,

  • Teri August 25th, 2014 at 1:49 PM #150

    Hi Rachel,

    I understand totally. Can we exchange emails perhaps?

    Teri

  • Mandi August 28th, 2014 at 12:50 AM #151

    I can barely read this because each sentence brings a new downpour of tears. I wish my family understood this. I never knew other people felt this exact way too. Just wish I could get my husband to care, to love me with this illness. I just need someone who can. He says that when I seem sick or miserable he thinks he just needs to give me space or just back off. That’s not what I need! That’s the worst!

  • Lisa M August 28th, 2014 at 9:24 AM #152

    hi Jill,
    My name is Lisa and I really would like to talk to you about your experiences and how you overcame them. I am currently in a relationship with my boyfriend who suffers from depression. He is on medication and sees his therapist once a week. I have been reading up on how to cope with his depression and its effects on our relationship, and trying to understand this disease and what I need to do. I love him with all of my heart and we have a long history together. I do not want to become depressed myself over this as I am trying so hard not to take things personal and trying to do what he needs in order to get well. I want to do whatever it takes to maintain our relationship and move foward in a positive manner. Thank you

  • Lisa M August 28th, 2014 at 12:04 PM #153

    Thank you for this page. It has offered me a lot of insight to this terrible disease. I too, am in a similar situation with my BF. To make a long story short, we dated 20 years ago and 3 years ago he came back into my life, partly to apologize for how he treated me back then.We became friends again and I have supported him throughout his struggles as best as I knew how. We recently started dating exclusively about 5 months ago when he nticed I started pulling away. He said he loved me and that he always loved me and that he couldnt lose me again. Over the past few months, things have been up and down and he is pulling more and more away from me. I amtrying not to take it personally but it is difficult. I feel like I am becoming depressed over this now because I feel like no matter what I do its not good enough. I have taken the advice from this column but I need to know if I need to walk away from this relationship. I can take on a lot and I am very patient but I too have needs. I have tried to talk to him without being judgmental, angry or overbearing but, depending on his moods, wind up being a whirlwind of emotions. Do I give up my needs to stand by the man I love more than anything? Do I communicate to him my thoughts or cover them up so I dont burden him? When is enough enough? How can I deal with these issues day in and day out and still maintain my own mental state? Please someone help me. He has even made the comment that he will never leave me again and that he will never hurt me again but he is pushing me to leave him. He is inadvertently hurting me and I dont know how to tell him. Any advice would be greatly appreciated especially if you are one suffering from this disease. Thank you

  • GoodTherapy.org Editing Department August 28th, 2014 at 12:38 PM #154

    Thanks to each of you for sharing your experiences here. This ongoing dialogue is heartwarming, and we encourage you to continue talking about your experiences with mental health issues and therapy with a wider audience via the Share Your Story feature on our blog. Writing your story may be healing for you and encouraging to others. Learn more and submit a piece for review here:http://www.goodtherapy.org/submit-your-story.html

  • mallory August 28th, 2014 at 5:24 PM #155

    This is the darkest its ever been. I feel like I’m in a hole and there’s not getting out. I have 2 beautiful babies, a failing marriage and a friendship that has gone south over a bunch of nothing. I feel so overwhelmed, I hate life.

  • Teniola a August 28th, 2014 at 10:16 PM #156

    This is the most realist thing ever. I’m very young & I have been going through depression for almost a year. and I don’t think anyone can put this into words better than this. This is the most exact way to describe depression.

  • Js August 29th, 2014 at 8:44 AM #157

    I just read this and sat in shock for a few minutes. I suffer from severe depression and I feel like no one understands me or like people are trying to diagnose me (the few family members I’ve told). When I told my mother (a nurse) to read this article and what is was about she told me I needed therapy and drugs before se even read it. She doesn’t listen and she doesn’t support me, all she wants is for me to take a “happy pill” probably so she doesn’t have to listen to me. It’s crazy that some people just refuse to educate themselves so they can try to help their family, sometimes I think it would be better to hurt myself just to prove a point, but that won’t happen

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team August 29th, 2014 at 9:19 AM #158

    Thank you for your comment, Mallory. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT August 30th, 2014 at 12:15 AM #159

    Laurie, was it me (the author of the article) you wanted to talk to?

    Cynthia

  • jan August 30th, 2014 at 9:13 AM #160

    I am in therapy and at my worse…when I have major depressive episodes/suicidal thoughts…I find therapy useless. I am told to alter my thoughts and that if I don’t I will not be happy.
    you are correct that it is the wrong time. It makes me feel defeated and that my therapist has given up on me as well and that I am a disappointment.
    So how does one get through it? And what should we be doing in therapy. Sometimes my therapist will just look at me and say nothing.

  • Jim August 30th, 2014 at 12:39 PM #161

    I have been depressed on-off for close to a year now. When it all gets real low my world shrinks in and a lot of support is pushed to the outside. I have lost great relationships both girlfriends and long time friends, I’m scared every single day about how I feel. People tell me that things are out of my control and to try and move on!! It’s not that easy, I get consumed by my thoughts until I am utterly destroyed mentally and emotionally. I am lost at sea most hours of the day and scramble to keep my head above water. I’ve turned to many places for help and support and hopefully one day I can smile again.

  • Memma August 30th, 2014 at 7:36 PM #162

    I feel like I’ve been struggling with depression for as long as I can remember. When I try to think back to when I was happiest, the only thing that actually comes to mind is when things became so dark.
    I spend a lot of time upset with myself because I don’t think my depression is rational. I lead a good life. Perhaps a little lonely, but mostly because of myself.
    I push people away. I have such bad abandonment issues that as soon as someone gets remotely close I shove them away just because I’m so sure they will leave me anyway.
    I cannot form actual relationships with people. I am so distant. But so good at putting this smile on my face that everyone is convinced.
    I’ve always avoided therapy for many reasons.. Or excuses, maybe.
    But lately I’ve been reconsidering.

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