Childhood Emotional Abuse Can Damage Future Intimate Relationships

Childhood emotional maltreatment (CEM) can have lingering effects. Adults who suffered mistreatment as children often struggle emotionally and socially throughout their lives as a result of being neglected or emotionally abused. Although there is an abundance of literature and research that focuses on the negative impact of childhood maltreatment (CM) in general, there is little available clinical evidence documenting the devastating effects of CEM. It has been well established that CM, including sexual and physical abuse, can increase the risk for depression, anxiety, substance misuse, and a host of other emotional problems. However, for adults who experienced CEM, one of the most difficult challenges they face is cultivating a healthy romantic relationship.

CEM can significantly deteriorate one’s self-esteem and erode an individual’s ability to trust another person. Beliefs about one’s value and worth and a bond of trust are the foundation of a healthy intimate relationship. This foundation can be further compromised when CEM survivors exhibit body-image dissatisfaction, which is often manifested through disordered eating behaviors. To provide more detailed evidence of the long-term consequences of CEM on relationships, Dana Lassri of the Stress & Risk and Resilience Research Lab at the Department of Psychology at Ben-Gurion University in Israel examined the stability and satisfaction of intimate relationships in a sample of college students with a history of CEM in two separate studies. Lassri found that CEM directly impacted relationship fulfillment in the participants by way of self-criticism. Specifically, Lassri discovered that the participants with CEM had extremely low levels of self-value, exhibited difficulty coping with stress, and held negative attitudes about life events.

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The results also revealed that the individuals who had posttraumatic stress due to the CEM were less able to realize their self-worth and had significant problems maintaining relationship satisfaction.  This could be caused by internalizing behaviors due to the abuse or by a child’s inability to properly comprehend their circumstances. Either way, Lassri believes that even though these findings were gathered from college-age individuals, the behaviors could potentially worsen throughout adulthood. Lassri added, “Over time, this tendency might be consolidated, becoming a defining part of a person’s personality; and ultimately derailing relationships in general and romantic relationships in particular.”

Reference:
Lassri, D., Shahar, G. (2012). Self-criticism mediates the link between childhood emotional maltreatment and young adults’ romantic relationships.” Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology 31.3, 289-311.

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The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.

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  • Chase

    April 5th, 2012 at 10:05 AM

    Anything that happens to you like this as a child is certain to skew your future relationships and how you look at other people. You may always wonder if this person is going to hurt you in the same way that those in the past did, so you put up these walls that can feel impossible to break through.

  • dantE

    April 5th, 2012 at 2:07 PM

    If this is the only way that someone has ever treated me, and this is all I know, how am I supposed to know that this is not how I am supposed to treat my own mate?

  • Annie

    April 6th, 2012 at 6:03 AM

    I am a social worker and stories that I see every day in that system make me want to cry. But you keep on going, hoping to get these children through this abuse and get them out on the other side happy and healthy, both physically and emotionally. I don’t think that we realize the depth of the pain and the scars that these children are having to live with, and these are young children who have no idea how to process and work through the grief. Instead many of them will carry this into adulthood with them and they will bear the brunt of it then. The system works hard to try to get kids out of situations like this, but often it is not before a significant amount of damage has already been done.

  • sullivan

    April 9th, 2012 at 4:45 AM

    would be angry, sad, to know that i was derailing any relationship in life due to the abuse i had faced as a child

  • Ali

    April 24th, 2012 at 1:17 PM

    My brother and I are products of CEM. My brother handled it a lot worse than I did. He abused alcohol & drugs, was very hostile, was in and out of jail yet, he could be in control if he wanted to. I, on the other hand, tried to keep busy with extracurricular activities, summer camps, projects, hoping that I could forget things for the moment. It seemed to work, for awhile. I found difficulty in trusting others and feeling close to others, in relationships, which weren’t many. It was even hard for me to accept any kind of compliments or encouragement. I figured people we’re just trying to be nice and it was just something to say. I’m 31 years old, I figured I would be over it by now. I have a 2 year old daughter and I give her the treatment that I wished I had as a child, plenty of hugs, encouragement, I tell her I love her, and talk to her in a respectful manner when she gets out of hand. I would never want her to go through what I went through. The important thing is to stop the cycle from leading into the next generation.

  • Chanelle

    June 8th, 2016 at 11:21 PM

    Also single mom, my mom is emotional abusive and she has a way 2 let me feel that I am a bad mother because my relationships didn’t work out and the dad dooesn’t whant anything to do with his kids including mine. My mom tells me negative stuff and then when I ask not to scream at my child because she is in therapy and it’s been difficult cause I live with my mom and then she goes off that I am nothing 2 her in live and my daughter is also going to hate me when she is grown up and I try so hard not to have the same relationship with me and my daaughter like I have with my mom.

  • admin

    admin

    April 24th, 2012 at 2:40 PM

    @ Ali – you have a lot to be proud of and I commend you for being the dad that you are – conscious and loving.

  • Yomna

    July 6th, 2016 at 4:46 PM

    Admin i need ur help my boyfriend hs been emotionally abused in his childhood and it’s affecting our relationship so much now, i knew before i had the feeling that there was something wrong going on with him, b cuz if the way he treated me this past year later i knew he has been abused by his aunty in his childhood emotionally.. He is treating me very bad sometimes abusing me and telling me every bad thing in the world, keep blaming me for anything i do. He doesn’t even trust me always doubting me..throwing my past to my face all the time and am telling u sir.. I was never a bad woman in life only i was married before and he can not accept this fact that his woman was touched by someone else.. He started to have bad dreams and nightmares b cuz of that.. When he wakes up from a bad nightmare he throws everything bad to my face..every possible think, he also calls me a whore and a cheap woman b cuz i gave myself to someone else before him and he was supposed to be the first one in my life.. He became very controlling very possessive..think all the time about controlling me and putting blames in anything i do, telling me that it’s my fault that i am not a virgin and he is not a sweeper to take someone like me who hs been touched by someone else before.. I know he loves me very much and i really do love him b cuz i know he is not a bad person at all.. After every fight he always comes back to me and tell me he is sorry and all..and he promises me that he will try to control his emotions and his anger more.. It’s been nearly a year and a half only things are getting worse and i don’t know what to do with him. I been trying to make him go see a psychiatrist but he always refuses to do it…only i want to ask u what should we do about these bad thought and nightmares.. I want to know the reason of getting these nightmares.. He is getting in daily or every two days or something seeing me with my ex in the dream.. I kept telling him it was over long time back and i already got divorced 5 years back and he doesn’t even listen and he keeps blaming me.. I want to help him at least getting rid of these nightmares tell me what to do how can i help him and myself?? Is there any hope for this relationship???

  • kim

    July 15th, 2016 at 5:08 PM

    Yomna,
    I am so sorry. Please get someone that you trust to help you. If your boyfriend knows that you were previously married, and has anger that some other man has “touched you,” then he is not well. He does not know the meaning of the word love. You description of him reminds me too much of my past. We cannot fix them. It is not possible.

    Please reach out and get someone who can actually help. Hell, ask Dr. Phil, at least he will try.

    Anyone who tells you that you can work this out is deceiving you. Probably not on purpose, but because, like you and me, they grew up with this stuff and have learned how to lie to themselves.

  • Joe

    May 18th, 2012 at 2:37 AM

    I saw some disgusting texts between my wife and her “therapist” who is helping her deal with separation issues and emotional abuse by her father. She was also sexuaually abused by her uncle. She denied having sex with him(therapist), but admitted she was “in love” with him. She agreed the texts were inappropriate and was terrified when I told her I would tell his wife. I then met with him(therapist) and he said it was erotic tranference. That he needed to let her show herself to him to fully understand and deal with her issues. I have several questions. I lover her deeply. We have been separated for 2 years. What should I do? Can I request a copy of al the texts to confirm if they did in fact have sex. I understand you need a court order to get copy of texts. Do I have grounds ot request them in light of a potentially illegal sexual abuse-as defined in the APA? Any answers will help. I am devastated. Hope someone sees this and gives me direction.

    Thanks,

  • tora

    April 16th, 2013 at 3:57 PM

    Hi
    this sounds totally inapropriate. The therapist should be setting healthy appropriate boundarie. He could loose his liscence. Find out what his liscence is and call the liscensure board and report this. I am sorry for both you and your wife. This is wrong.

  • Jeff

    September 8th, 2014 at 8:12 PM

    Joe, tora is right that is totally inappropriate, and unprofessional, not to mention illegal. You should definitely report this slimeball. He is using his professional position to take advantage of women. Do it for your Ex’s sake, and for the sake of all others who would misplace their trust in him.

  • Tyler

    September 10th, 2012 at 12:42 AM

    Unfortunately My brother and I are products of Cem, My stepmother would undermine anything we could possibly do right, she would insult us, punish us for no reason, repeatedly slap us for her enjoyment unfortunately in the state of connecticut she had every right to do so which is infuriating, the social workers called me a liar because none of the other kids confirmed my story because they didnt want to be punished as well(she had three of her own kids as well). I finally got out of there when i was 17 but my brother is still stuck there and my father wont stand up for us and he wouldnt acknowledge she did anything wrong, since i left there my life has been on a spiral in the downwards direction because of my hate for her and it didnt help that i was the kid everyone picked on in high school because i wouldnt fight back despite my size. since then i failed out of college because i couldnt focus and i needed to escape reality so i turned to books, Ive been trying to get back to who i was before, the confident and happy go lucky child but i dont know what to do, everything says i need to forgive and forget but how can i forgive her when she did it becuase she loved abusing us for her sick pleasures and i constantly have to deal with her if i want to see my dad at all. I dont know what to do, do you guys?

  • Kat

    February 5th, 2013 at 8:58 PM

    Your stepmom treated you the way she would have treated the perfect child. It had nothing to do with you. It was the hate and fear inside of her- possibly from being abused herself. It is her issue. Although that’s not ok and I wish you could get your brother out.
    Holding a grudge is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. Forgiveness is about setting yourself free.
    Prayer is the best healer I have found. Peace.

  • AJ

    October 12th, 2012 at 11:17 AM

    Hi,

    I have been in a very committed relationship w/ someone who was the victim of CEM. They texted me last week and told me that ‘I(other person) can’t be there for you 100% because of my childhood exp. I do love you(me) and its not you its me, I can’t marry you, not now, maybe not ever.’ All this was out of the blue, as I thought everything was fine. The other person then told me that they’d been having those feelings for at least 6 months and couldn’t tell me, they were afraid they’d hurt me. So, essentially I was led to believe that they had those feelings I had for them, when they hadn’t, at least not for six months.

    I told the other person I’d rather have them in my life as a friend than not at all, but I really do love this person and want to be with them in a committed relationship. What, if anything can I do to help this person realize that I’m not going to ditch them, or hurt them like they’ve been hurt. I’ve been hurting since then, and it feels like the other is not affected at all.

  • Alison

    September 6th, 2014 at 1:13 PM

    My husband grew up in care from the age of 7. His dad died and his mam couldn’t cope & put him, his 2 brothers & 2 sisters into care. He is a brilliant husband but has scars left from his childhood. If we have a slight disagreement he will storm out completely over react & not speak for days. At the moment we had a very small agreement on Wednesday & he done the same thing, I haven’t seen him since Thursday (we have a holiday home so I’m sure he is there) he won’t answer the phone & has had no contact with me. I call this him pressing his self destruct button. I love my husband to bits but please think carefully before u get into this relationship as it’s really hard, I’m sitting alone, haven’t eaten for 3 days & am worried about him. Best of luck

  • Sybil

    January 29th, 2015 at 10:18 PM

    A.J. I know how you feel. I love a man who so obviously was emotionally neglected as a child. I’ve never met a man who wants love so badly, but simply can’t let anyone in. Or more accurately lets them in and then sabotages all his relationships (ours included) when they get too close. I love him dearly, and he has been loved by others before me. I wish you luck in gaining his trust, and hope he is able to see that you won’t hurt him and that he is worthy of being loved, that none of what happened is his fault. I hope everyone who shared their painful stories on here, no matter what, realize that you are worthy of love. That you are important. Why because you are! ♡

  • nicola

    November 22nd, 2012 at 6:55 AM

    I am a victim of CEM. And after several relationships i still find myself pushing people away whom i love and hurting both them and myself… this really is my last chance and wandered if anyone can reccomend a book i can read that can help me overcome these feelings i do not understand.

  • lee

    December 29th, 2012 at 7:48 AM

    As a result of emotional abuse I find that I am unable to trust anyone. I often question why people want to talk to me, get to know me and even socialise with me. I question their motives and it is due to low self esteem and lack of self worth. I am 33 and I know that I will never be rid of these feelings and so I just try to get through life the best I can. I’ve never had an intermate relationship and look at what you would call a “normal” life as a fantasy. For me I think the problem lies in that no one talks about emotional abuse and secondly that when society does see it taking place no one speaks out to the perpetrators. Society needs more education and adults need to be held responsible for such actions.

  • Nikki

    April 28th, 2013 at 7:30 PM

    As a child I transitioned from one abuse to another. I grew up being neglected by my alcoholic mother and then I was both physically and emotionally abused by my adoptive father. I’m 22 now and I still find it extremely difficult to trust others. I tend to isolate myself for fear of someone disapproving of me. Each day though I remind myself that I am worthy of better, fulfilling relationships. If I don’t start to trust people now, I probably never will. Life is about looking forward and letting go of pain. All I can do is know that I was a victim. I was a victim then, but I don’t have to be a victim now.

  • Lisa

    May 9th, 2013 at 2:19 AM

    Nikki,
    You have a great atitude!!!!! I am 44 yrs old and I have difficulties with all relationships, don’t be like me and loose your life to the scars of neglect and abuse.

    Lisa

  • Margaret Lopez-Stane

    May 29th, 2013 at 12:20 PM

    I experienced very severe childhood emotional abuse. My mother would threaten that she was going to kill me and cut me up into little pieces to get back at my dad when they were fighting. She would threaten that he would come home and find me dead. She told me often how much she hated me, wished I were dead and that I was a worthless piece of shit. This all started when I was only four years old. I dissociated severely and have PTSD. The abuse happened all of my growing up years. When I was 14 and attempted suicide, my mom told me that she wished I had succeeded in killing myself. My experience led me to search for answers. Although I had gone through other forms of abuse, nothing compared to the emotional abuse. I completed my PH.D in psychology and did my dissertation which revealed what I knew all along – extreme childhood emotional abuse is actually associated with worse outcomes than other forms of childhood abuse. More attention needs to be given to this often neglected form of trauma!

  • anonymous

    September 3rd, 2013 at 10:43 PM

    I am 36 year old male.  Emotional abuse has damaged me for life.  I spent most my youth isolated and locked in a room with no activity or stimulation (not even a book).  My attempt at suicide was when I was five years old.  How a five year old can devise a plan to hang himself with a belt comes from nothing but desperation.

    I was told I was to blame for all my misery.  “you were a horrible child” my mother says, even today.

    At the end of it all, it has left me with lifelong emotional problems.  I have always suffered from anxieties, especially social anxieties.  I also suffer from chronic depression.  I never had much self esteem or desire to excel.  I can not bond or connect with others and choose to isolate myself (much like when I was locked away in my youth).  I am very distrustful of others and have no trust for anyone.  I never experienced love, support, or had anyone to confide in.

    But I keep pushing on. Reading some of these comments lets me know that I am not alone. The best we can do is try to prevent the abuse of children.

  • Cheryl

    November 22nd, 2013 at 4:51 PM

    I will try to stay positive but if I fail please forgive me. I only seek to build others up but I myself have issues as well. I talk to God many times a day and sometimes I ask Why?I say sometimes because over the years of reading his word I now have images of Jesus on that cross and none of my pain compares to that. I now ask him to help me go through these hard times. I’m 49 and I haven’t found love or trust or a friend but he sent me a puppy who is 6 yrs. Old and needs me. She has lost her sight and it is painful and she depends on me to give her the meds. I cry for her. I know our time will come when all my tears will be wiped away and with that hope, which Jesus promised, is what will help each of us get through another day. I’m here if you want to talk. We are alike in many ways. Reach out help is on the way.

  • Shamus M

    April 21st, 2015 at 10:55 PM

    This is exactly what happened to me and way better explained.

  • Lili

    July 10th, 2016 at 3:35 PM

    I can completely honestly agree with you anonymous I too had an extremely abusive mother (narcisism undiagnosed plus sociopathic tendencies also undiagnosed ) I mention that because when my older sister tried to get the family help she wouldn’t go to counseling because she was afraid of being exposed Everything was about her – her house her needs her desires everything The creepy part is That she was able to hide it She kept a big beautiful house over our heads but not enough monies to care for it and us at the same time She was extremely neglectful (never hugged never touched by her ) – my dad little. She was extremely psychologically and emotionally abusive and my two older siblings were physically abused too What’s even sadder is that my two oldest siblings and I don’t get along at all – I have no immediate family I have never been able to marry or have my own children due to the abuse – I am messed up Do not trust and isolate my self because it hurts to much to mingle. Although I have had 12 years of strict Pyschologicsl counseling and was able to graduate from college with my BBA when I was 35, the childhood scars are still there and they continue to bleed I live a life of loneliness and wonder what is this all for The only thing that stops me from suicude are my two cats and hope that one day God would bless me with a loving caring husband Amen

  • alan b

    July 11th, 2016 at 3:35 AM

    hi dear you are not to blame, you have the right to go fourth and be happy, get away from that evil miserable damaged environment that does no one no good, go and find your happier life and new better surroundings around better people and neighbors, no god is expecting you to stay in this misery , it is your humane right to battle for inner peace and self esteem, LIVE YOUR LIFE IN PEACE AND LOVE

  • Grew up in care from age 2

    September 19th, 2013 at 12:32 PM

    Hello people, Great info. My family was slowly placed together in a children’s home.The couple who ran the place? Alcoholic and abusive male, verbal, emotional and physically abusive female. WHY!!!! I have lost one brother to alcohol abuse, one is in a mental institution, one is floating from place to place. A sister who is full of hatred …. (big family)… I have 2 fabulous kids now, although they do take advantage of me. My survival route are self help books. The best one so far is “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle. This helps you focus on today. For people in a relationship with someone with CEM, DON’T give up. It took the father of my children aprox 30 attempts of me threatening to leave. We had 10 pretty good years together. Congratulations to everyone who has survived. You’re doin’ great!

  • Slyncro

    September 26th, 2013 at 10:55 PM

    What’s worse is that sometimes, you end up not minding that you don’t trust anyone. You figure that even though you feel alone, at least you don’t hurt. But is that really a way to live?

  • Gabby

    November 11th, 2013 at 11:56 PM

    I am a 33 yr old woman…I am a victim of child sexual abuse from ages 7 to 11. My mothers boyfriend was in charge of me when she worked and he took full advantage. The hardest part was I told my father then my mother six months into it. They exploded w rage only to ignore it soon after. The abuse continued over three more yrs with my abuser scaring me out of my wits with

    death threats. Pointing a finger in my
    face and threatening my pets life, then
    my family, then me…ever I told again. I
    have never had a healthy long term relationship w a man. I am afraid I am damaged for life and struggle with the fear that no man could want me or will understand me. Time will tell. Be a voice for children who cannot speak.

  • Cheryl

    November 22nd, 2013 at 4:22 PM

    I feel this kind of pain every day of my life. I isolate myself to keep from getting hurt even more but to thoughts and rejection never leave me. If you want to talk please send me an email , it won’t erase anything but to have someone to talk to will help. Someone who can relate and cares. Not someone who gets paid for it. Need a friend

  • GT Support

    GT Support

    November 22nd, 2013 at 4:38 PM

    Thank you for your comment, Cheryl. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Natasha

    November 23rd, 2013 at 10:14 AM

    I don’t know what to say or how to say it. Today is the first day i have done any research on this. I’m going crazy being scared of literately everything that has to do with people. I’m scared to go to stores, I shake with fear just to put gas in my car. Even if i use my card at the pump. I recently and i guess still am in the process of a divorce, and my ex’s (my old house) is the only place I can go to feel any sort of calm and safe. I’m even terrified of my family. I want to start my new life but I’m to afraid to do ANY thing. Its frustrating me so much. I never used to be like this, and I don’t know how it got this bad! No one seems to understand what I’m talking about! And I’m to afraid to go to a doctor! That is almost the worst fear of all of them. I’m only 25 I don’t want to live like this and the way I feel I’m almost ready to give up! I just want to be normal!

  • Tyler

    November 27th, 2013 at 9:41 PM

    I’m 18 and I struggle with this daily. My bio dad walked out and I have no memory of him and my adoptive dad beat the fuck out of mom and out of me. The abuse my mom endured changed her from a loving caring mother to a very neglectful an hurtful woman. Today I am married with a baby on the way and I struggle with alcohol abuse, I spend about 4-5 nights a week drunk, not to mention our marriage problems. I can’t trust anyone. I speed home from work with anxiety expecting to find my wife with another man, on multiple occasions I’ve busted through my door ready to beat down another man multiple times only to find my wife asleep waiting for me. I always think she’s eventually gunna hurt me, cheat on me , lie to me, try to take my child away from me. I love her to death but this constant anxiety bothers me. I can’t walk around town without feeling like I’m going to be attacked, it’s very rare if I get along with someone and if I don’t I have a very strong hatred for them. I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s like I thrive on my life being in chaos, things will be good and I’ll be happy then I sabotage myself and make myself miserable again.

  • Elisha

    February 17th, 2014 at 10:10 AM

    I went in and out of care 13 times by five and half years old, we were waiting to go back to our mum, she died on us. Went into a long term foster placement where we were abused emotionally to the point where i was in complete state, very suicidal by the time i left severe depression by the age of eight onwards. Seven years and a lot of hard work later and I am much better with no depression but have severe trust issues, if anyone reading this has successfully overcome these trust issues, including how to identify healthy people I would love to hear how you did it. Many thanks :)

  • Elisha

    February 17th, 2014 at 10:17 AM

    To Tyler, your currently trapped in a self perpetuating cycle, that you are inflicting on your wife. Continue to be a nightmare to live with and she probably will leave you… she must have low self esteem to tolerate your behaviour, but she must also love you very much :) learn to be be grateful and honour her commitment, and learn to honour yourself aswell…(really need to follow my own advice here!) you need to stop reacting to stuff and take time out to sit with your behaviour and learn to manage it, take charge of the person you want to be…when you get paranoid stop your thoughts spiralling out of control and remind yourself she innocent until proven guilty not when you decide to ALLOW your thoughts to go on a rampage…alos you need to stop drinking your doing it to protect yourself becaus you feel threatened by life and you need to face it head on…good luck, sorry if it came across as brutally put i meant it nicely :D good luck! x

  • ashley

    February 25th, 2014 at 8:19 AM

    When I was a child I was abused heavily by my dad. I’m 24, finishing school and I have a loving boyfriend who adores me but it doesn’t fix the fact my dad used to come to my room when I was 5 and push me and shove, hit me. I have a really good memory so I remember it all. I remember right after he pushed me I was deciding if I should get back up cause he may kick me when he leaves or if I should stay down. I stayed down. But as a 6 Year old this shouldn’t of ever happened to me. I remember running back to my room and just sat there staring at my face in the mirror wondering and confused as to why this happened to me. No child should go thru this ever. I feel like I really missed out on having a childhood and a dad that I see other people have, loving supporting just great. Since I was a child, I have been physically. And mentally abused and I’m embarrassed because of it. I feel like it’s my fault, he’s shook me, pulled my hair, dragged me, hit me. Told me to get my act together cause if I don’t he will end. Up in jail cause he will kill me. You think a dad would be more. Worried about his dead daughter than being stuck in jail.. guess not.
    I cry a lot wishing this never happened sometimes I think I’m being dramatic but Idno. I remember this one time he came to my room when I was 15-16 I did something that wasn’t so bad but he hit me and thru down all the pictures I had in frames on my shelves. It took me forever to put those pictures up. I told myself one day I’m going to have an amazing husband and I’ll be able to make our house a home and put as many pictures up of us, our kids, friends and no one will throw them down. My mom never stood up for me, she’s been abused by him as well. I wish my mom would of stood up for me. Last summer he verbally abused me and I felt horrible, said so many things to me that will forever remain with me. Since then he has been trying to. Be nicer to me but it’s too late. He should have been nicer when I was a little girl. When I needed it the most. It’s way too late now. I can’t forgive him, he’s ruined me when it comes to my confidence, me. Feeling pretty, me feeling like I’m worth something. I mean I have an amazing boyfriend who I will marry we have been together for a long time but my boyfriend can’t fix what my dad did to me. He can only be there. I really can’t wait to have kids either, I really want a little girl so I can love her the way I needed to be loved and I know her dad (my boyfriend) will treat her like his princess and will never do to her what my dad did. Through this I hope I find some strength to move on from what I been through. I really needed a loving dad and a supportive mom. Never had that. I will never ever forgive my dad. It’s too late damage has been done. Damage that will live on with me forever. I hope he understands one day. I could go on forever on how many times he’s abused me but I’ll stop now. I really hope to find a good mother and dad in my boyfriends parents. A dad especially. It’s life I guess, not always perfect but you find the best in it and be strong. I hope to be the best mommy to my children one day. They deserve that. All kids do. I can’t wait to start my own family. I can’t. Wait..

  • amit

    April 26th, 2014 at 2:17 AM

    Agreed ashlay…u should never forgive him. And if possible u should let him know what he did was horrible and he should be ashamed of it. Best of luck for ur life ashley. Keep smiling and be happy

  • al

    August 23rd, 2014 at 8:27 PM

    It’s beautiful how you are so eager to get on with your life and give your kids the life and unconditional love they deserve. I really admire u :-)

  • Laura

    March 28th, 2014 at 11:50 PM

    I happened upon this site to find out how to help my boyfriend. After 3 years he has finally started to share more about the abuse he endored as a child. I was horrified to discover that he was regularly wipe with a 9 tail leather cat wipe. Even more horrific that he was punished by having his hand placed on a hot stove burner for just being a silly kid. My heart goes to everyone and can’t even fathom how a parent could wish their 5 year old child dead. I’m very sad and angry!! Sending you all a great big hug xoxo. Please if anyone has any advise to share how I can help my boyfriend who is now 53 years old heal his pain it would be greatly appreciated!!

  • Charlotte

    March 31st, 2014 at 3:19 AM

    When I was 2 my mum married my step dad, she became pregnant with my brother and everything was fine, I rememeber my mum asking dad if she could hold my either and he said no, you have Charlotte. My mum pleaded with him for a while to no avail. I should probably mention that my step dad is bipolar. My brother had problems with asthma so was always really poorly but as a child I felt he was her favorite, I do understand her worries but that’s how I felt. When I was 5 my 2nd brother was born. At this point my mum would cuddle with my first bro and my dad with my 2nd bro, that was that unless we were all alone in which case my first bro would get all the attention of dad whilst me and my 2nd bro would watch on, untill dad invited my 2nd bro for cuddles then they would both look my way a grin, I used to hit out due to my feelings and so my bros wouldn’t play with me. Mum worked the most whilst dad stayed home with us, the boys would be playing upstairs whilst dad would be watching the footie or whatever sports was on, he didn’t like being distracted or spoken to either, one day he told me to go and play with the boys, after they told me no (they were taking the new toys apart with their michano tool set) I can sit and watch so I sat on the stairs, he kept telling me to go and play so I told him to f*** off, I was 8 years old, so he ran and got the soap chased me up the stairs and rinsed my mouth out. I ten went to bed untill mum got home, this went on for years even in the old house. I rememeber one time I spent the day in bed whilst dad and the boys watched sports with each other I was only 5, because I screamed and shouted I was ‘naughty’ so when mum got home I was so happy to see her, she put dinner on and we waited at the table whilst she dished it up, whilst waiting me and the boys were playing (bickering) the boys got there dinner first (mash beans and sausages, my favorite) when mum brought mine in she screamed hat up and smashed my dinner across the wall sending me to bed. I was so confused. She eventually came up offering me a sarnie. I think I accepted one. As I write this I am currently in a relationship with a great man, he too had a damaging childhood receiving emotional and physical abuse from his mother putting him and his younger siblings in care at the drop of a hat whilst they begged not to go. Sometimes I over react and lash out at him, the things I say to him really cut deep ‘no one wants you, I hate you, it’s I over,) I push him away and tell him not to touch me I also throw things at him it’s not fair and it’s damaging him further more but not only that I think it’s affecting me and my mental health, I love him so much but he feels he is constantly treading on egg shells around me and I hate that, I’m 25 and he is 30. When I was 17 I moved out of my mums and in with an abusive ex who bullied me about my looks and guilted me into having painful sex, he was too rough and I wasn’t aroused enough. I should mention my step dad and mum split when I was 12 and she got a boyfriend who was great when I was 13. I should also mention that when I was 12 and mum and dad were working on their marriage we (kids) including 2yr old sister went to stay with family friends, the woman has been in our lives forever and her husband no so long, she worked all week in London whilst he stayed home with us. In that week he told me to have a shower without locking the door and proceeded to walk in on me in the shower in the nude, he tried to come into my bedroom one night but Karen said no she’s too old to be tucked in. When she wS at work and the kids were playing outside I was watching telly, he picked my legs up and opened and closed them my trousers had slipped down exposing my bum I tried pulling them up whilst he put my feet against his privates and told me to push (exercise) as he put it whilst he pushed against me pushing my knees to my chest/chin I said I didn’t want to almost crying so he let go, I then said I want to use the computer no go outside In the cold garden to play (anxiety causes me to get cold easily) so he said yes I could only he put his hand only hand standing over me so both hands are on the desk it was too much for me I wasn’t used to the attention and closeness from this man it wasn’t wanted not even my step dad or mums husband ever behaved like this towards me just this man. Someone’s I think I’m crazy any advice would be appreciated xx

  • Margaret

    May 9th, 2014 at 8:13 AM

    I wrote earlier (#16), but felt a need to write again. The severe psychological and emotional abuse I went through as a child has left me vulnerable to abuse as an adult (as I mentioned in my last entry, I also went through other forms of child abuse, but I believe it was the extreme emotional/psychological abuse that had the most impact). I have been in both an emotionally and physically abusive relationship for 17 years. In fact, my husband is now in jail for a second time for domestic violence. I believe that the way that emotional abuse continues to have such an impact on us is that we don’t feel like we deserve to be treated with respect and instead feel like we still deserve to be abused. When we finally take a chance and trust someone, too often we pick people who are like are parents were. Even though I know this (I have been through therapy and received my Ph.D. in Educational Psychology), it is still difficult to break the cycle. In fact, I’m ashamed to admit, that after my husband was arrested again for his abuse a month ago for domestic violence, I went back to old behaviors of cutting and attempting suicide and ended up in the hospital. Somehow, each and every one of us needs to get to the point of believing we deserve better than what we received as a child and that it was our parents who had the problem, not us. I will pray for each of you that you (and I) can get to that point.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    May 9th, 2014 at 9:00 AM

    Thank you for your comment, Margaret. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Emma

    May 14th, 2014 at 6:43 AM

    I’m 15
    I was emotionally abbused by my step mom from when I was 4-11 she told me I was worthless disgusting fat hat no one would ever really love me. I tried so hard to please her. I started barly eating when I was 6 you could see my ribs. I hated my self. I started hurting my self when I was 10. And I still do. I haven’t been able to keep a relationship wih people I push them away. I have 2 best friends that I love more than anything yet I always push them away and they no why and push back but it’s so hard. My dad would take me to drug deals and used me to pick up girls. While he was married. And then would drop me off with my step mom and leave. I figured that all of this was my fault. When I was 11 I told my mom I wouldn’t go over there again. I cried my self to sleep every night. I thought that not going to their house would make me feel beter but it didn’t. I still felt worthless. When I was 14 I tried to kill my self for the first time. I have tried 8 times. I wake up every morning and feel worthless. I look at my wrists and all I can think about is cutting.
    I’m liked by a lot of people and a lot of people say I’m pretty but I can’t see it. I went to a mental hospital for 2 weeks in febuary and it helped but not enough.
    I wish I could just forget everything and not feel so empty.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    May 14th, 2014 at 8:31 AM

    Thank you for your comment, Emma. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • jen

    June 25th, 2014 at 8:05 PM

    Emma,
    The first thing you need to know is that none of this is your fault. You’re a smart, beautiful, caring girl who deserves so much better. I dont even know you but from what I read I already know that.
    My parents split up when I was about 4 or 5. My mother actually got my sister and I to pack his bags. I remember sitting on his lap crying and crying for him not to go. Im not really sure why, since he use to hit myself and my sister but I guess as kids you just love your parents, whether they deserve it or not. Once my parents split the emotional abuse from my mother started. She told me that my father left because of me and that my sister did have a father because of me. My whole like from maybe about 6 to 20 I hear how I haw fat, stupid, worthless, a loser, that no one wanted me around. She said she asked all family members and they said no, even called my father and he didn’t want me either. But because I was 11 she couldnt just drop me on the street. She would take pleasure when any of relationships ended, she would try to make it difficult for me to talk to my best friend or see my boyfriend. My dad was having his 50th birthday party and she was telling my sister and me to go, she even asked my bf who drove if he would take us. Then acouple days before the party she said I couldn’t go, that I would have no place to live in I went and that my bf would no longer be able to come on the property. I was kicked out of my house once for 5 days, one night I slept on a park bench. I think I was 15 or 16. I could go on forever with things that have happened on my life but I have to tell you one thing about life Emma, is that it keeps going. So you can keep living life feeling worthless and ruining relationships time after time or you can finally stop it. Therapy works wonders, and also medications if your doctor thinks you should be on something. Good luck Emma, remember you’re not alone in this. We’re all here with you

  • kae

    May 30th, 2014 at 9:09 PM

    I’m concerned about my daughters friend.her friend and my daughter ate both 6 years old and attend school together. My daughter has been talking to me and showing concern for her friend because they talk to eachother. Her friends mom has a boyfriend which they have 2 kids of their own .my daughters friend is not his child and expresses that the boyfriend treats her different emotionally. My daughter and her friend spend a lot of time together with me and my mom .but she always tells us she hungry cuz the boyfriend won’t feed her apparently he tells her if she’s hungry to make it herself. I picked her up today again and she told me she was so hungry that she didn’t even want to play with my daughter and we were at the park.she looks very thin tired dark circles under her eyes. My mom my daughter and myself are really concerned .do I confront the mom or child protective services or the teacher please help us its a worry knowing that my daughters friend is going thru abuse from the boyfriend
    She tells my daughter that he hits her mommy and mommy had a black eye. Guessing he has a temper as well .but you can see physically over the last couple of months she has lost weight . we always feed her but when we don’t I go to bed wondering who’s there with her to feed her. The mom works 40 hrs a week so she is there with the boyfriend all that time .need some advice ASAP!!

  • Cesca

    July 9th, 2014 at 6:47 AM

    I have never felt so much hate and resentment for anyone as i feel for my stepmother.my mom gave me to my dad to raise as she went to find a job.My stepmother beat me senseless,insulted me and told me i was useless at everything.She would intentionally do good stuff for her kids in front of me just so i know how much she hated me.She would have me do all the household chores around the house while she and her kids nap.My father was not aware as he was always away for work.She would even try to turn my father against me every opportunity she got by reporting miscellaneous things and he never really stood up for me honestly even though i loved him soo much and thought he was an impartial man at some point.I became an introvert,very shy/quite and was the happiest when i was just on my own and fantasizing what could have been.I really had nobody to confide in so i was the kid that suffered in silence.They say when you are lacking in some areas of your life you tend to overcompensate in others,i excelled at school.so she saw dollar signs and finally started to treat me right.my last years in high school,she actually started to tell people Im her bio child and inverting events that happened during my childhood,telling whoever would listen what an easy child i was to raise,blah blah,just being hypocritical.my experiences with her as a child is something i’m never gonna forget…..,like you can’t just treat something right cos you need something from them.I craved for her approval for the longest time and never got it and she wanted to now throw a “mother’s love” on me at 16-17?She wanted to make amends by convincing none of that happen and she was mother 2 me.I was not having it cos in addition to just so weird,I just couldn’t take the hypocrisy/manipulation.Her, now all of a sudden touching and hugging me when in the past the only time she touched me was to beat me.I knew i was scarred for life when.., even when my bio mom’s touch/affection was just foreign/weird. she never in a million years thought she would need me hence growing up in that situation i always consoled myself with the thought that 1 day i was gonna leave,make something of myself,never see her again and make her realise what its like to need me and not have me.which is exactly what happened when my dad died about 4 years ago.when most people(my cousins,siblings) left the house because they couldn’t handle her mistreating, i stayed for my father’s sake but when he died i felt there was nothing else keeping me there,so i left.Now she tells whoever would listen that she don’t know why i left,misses me,needs me to come back and that is just never going to happen.As if that was not enough i had other family members pressuring me to actually go back to her,like i hate the fact that they don’t understand what i went through and they are just not being supportive…I just need to find a way to forgive her so can i have a positive peaceful life free of resentment and i don’t know how to start going about it.How do you forgive someone that is not even close to acknowledging what it is they did?Someone you feel has ruined years of your childhood that has now led to you not coping emotionally/mentally normal in your adolescence?i mean,i think i might have a serious case of inferiority complex going on, my social skills suck,only ever dated one guy that dumped me soon after….,i just don’t feel fulfilled despite having excelled academically and having a job….

  • Mara

    July 11th, 2014 at 8:36 PM

    Sorry to hear about your experience. I agree that you will be happier if you are able to forgive. You are not condoning or accepting her behavior if you forgive her. Instead you are making a choice not to allow hurts from the past to steal your joy in the present and in the future. My stepfather sexually abused me as a child and I told my mother who made the choice to stay married to him. I never told my biological father for fear of what he would do to them if he learned the truth. I am turning 38 this year and my mom told me less than two weeks ago that she still doesn’t regret staying with my stepfather after learning of my abuse. I am telling you this because to prepare you for the possibility that your stepmother may never acknowledge how she hurt and mistreated you. I am very happy with my life now and know you can be too. It will just take time for your heart to heal. Don’t give up hope that your future can and will be better than the past. I am speaking from experience. Consider talking to a professional (not that there is anything wrong with you), joining a support group, or attending a church in your community. I wish you the best Cesca.

  • Jeff

    September 8th, 2014 at 7:42 PM

    Forgive her for your own peace of mind, not because you feel like she has owned up for what she did. She will probably never admit to any of those behaviors or actions. She has either convinced herself that she was good to you, or is not willing to tell others what a creep she was. That is her problem, not yours. You cannot effect change in someone who is not willing to change, you can only effect changes in yourself.

    That being said, you should try to find it in yourself to forgive her for you to feel better; how she feels, that’s her problem. Shedding yourself of her emotional baggage is the key to allow you to find forgiveness for her. Whether or not she does anything with it is up to her.

    Forgive her, for you. Not for her. Be selfish now, create good energy in your mind, don’t worry how she takes it.

  • Karen E

    June 1st, 2016 at 11:28 AM

    Your healing does not depend on forgiving and forgetting. Validate what happened to you. Its real and had an effect. Your thoughts, health and welbeing are up to you. What “they” think or do does not help you. What you do does. I had a similar issue and found emergingfrombroken.com a great resource of others struggling with this. Hugs. Karen

  • Celeste

    July 16th, 2014 at 12:59 PM

    After many painful years of emotional neglect I have decided to cut off all ties with my family of orgin. Unfortunately people who have not been in this cycle of abuse are quick to judge us for doing so and don’t understand howw painful a decision this is. It must be done in order to heal and have self worth as an adult. My life growing up was full of material wealth. Beautiful house. Safe neighborhood. Three beautiful daughters. Unfortunately both parents are passive aggressive and withdrawn. My bio dad left my mom when she was pregnant (although 40 years of noticing her compulsive lies I stick don’t know) she lived in a commune and quite honestly I think she made up the story that he went to the store and never came back. Truth is I dont think she even knew who was my bio dad and made up lies so she didnt have to explain that she was promiscuous at 17. My mother has always
    had severe depression and 40 years ago treatment was usually lithium. She would lie in bed all day everyday we were on welfare. She eventually met my stepfather and she was happy for a short time. She did relapse into depression but was unable to stay in bed all day as my stepfather would not have approved. My mother and father had two other children. The demands put on her were too great and she just ended up being a angry woman. This anger turned to passive aggressive behaviors. Telling me it was ok to do something or eat something and then being angry with me for a week because she wanted the last piece of garlic bread or piece of cake. My stepfather did not give my mother or me or my sister’s positive words on anything. We were never good enough. Never thin enough. Never smart enough. Appearances meant more than truths. Being fake was important. I am the black sheep of my family and I try to be grateful for that. I am real. I am honest. I am trustworthy. I am not manipulative. I am not passive aggressive. I am not void of all emotions. I am worthy. Growing up I was never asked how my day was. I was never allowed to have daughter mom days. My father took me to the movies twice. Iwas left out of family functions. Not invited. Other times I was in invited but had other plans only to be forced to change them. It was my stepfather rules or the highway. I don’t ever remember my mother hugging me, kissing me, reading to me. My mother would not give me motherly advice growing up and would avoid me when I had problems with friends. She still does. I grew up thinking it was ok for me not to exist. I did not matter. I was very motherly to both my half sisters and over covpensated for her negligence. My stepfather is void of any emotions and is not a compassionate man. He purposely starts an argument only to have you frustrated and then points his finger at you for acting out. He does this when you are at a low point and you cannot understand what is happening at the time because you are already going through a crisis.

  • Karen E

    June 1st, 2016 at 11:36 AM

    I grew up in a similar situation. Any need, opinion, or issue made me “the problem”. Extreemly abusive. Neglectful. Abandoning. I self garmed for years to cope and punish myself for feelings that were NOT allowed. I never knew a normal household. I have broken that bad coping seeing it for what it is. People cope to numb the problem. You need to see it. Decide whats bad and start to help yourself.
    Abusive families brainwashed us to accept their bad actions. We are adults now. We say. We chose. Not them. We just need to realize we are grown up and can chose.

  • Phillipa A.

    July 18th, 2014 at 3:13 PM

    Hi, I’m 15 and me and my family where emotionally abused for 13 years, my mum for 15-16 by my dad. I find it hard to trust, or even feel emotions sometimes. I think; “Is this love? am I meant to feel love for my family?” I’m never really sure what I’m feeling ha, guess that’s the lack of nurture. Anyway, I struggle with OCD tendencies, anxiety and PTSD. My family say I should be over it all as “they are and it’s been almost 2 years.” They chose to ‘forget’ but I chose to accept my past. I’m writing because I’m still not sure how thing’s have affected me, there were physical punishments I.e slippers, breaking things, no possesions (they all belonged to Dad andjust seemed to be called ‘mine’) and constant verbal abuse, I feared for myself and my family and as a result took on the role of protector.
    Anyway, that means I don’t trust my family at all, I’m okay socially just nieve and not very socially aware. I’m writing because my family doesn’t know me, I don’t let them and as a result they push me to be exactly like them. I’m sick of fighting now… the anxiety and tendancies have gotten worse and self harming has returned. Any advice? Sorry :)

  • The GoodTherapy.org Support Team

    July 18th, 2014 at 3:42 PM

    Thank you for your comment, Phillipa. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Phillipa A.

    July 18th, 2014 at 3:54 PM

    In addition, my sister is still emotionally abusing me at present. So far I can cope but when she enters my room, moves/nocksthings out of place, I feel violated and want to self harm. It’s worse that when I calmly ask her not to she smiles, looks like she enjoys it when my voice shakes, which makes me feel threatened. Sorry, I don’t want attention, I just don’t want to resort to that fully, right now I just scratch myself a little and don’t want to get worse.

  • GoodTherapy.org Support

    July 19th, 2014 at 11:02 AM

    Phillipa, we are concerned over the information you provided in your comment. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be helpful to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Angelique

    August 2nd, 2014 at 8:48 AM

    I exactly feel the same way you feel.. All my life ive been emotionally and physically abused by my whole family..my siblings and i were maltreated and abused by our auntie but my parents didnt even do anything…im 17 years old and i have anxiety and depression. Its hard for me to understand others feelings,i have a low self esteem and confidence, im painfully shy, i have trouble making friends. I already accepted the fact that no one is going to help me but myself. Im not hoping anymore that my family is gonna understand what im going through…so lets just rely on ourselves…i really really want to move out and live in some other state coz i freaking swear that i dont want to live with them anymore…lets just focus on ourselves..be strong for urself….

  • russell

    August 14th, 2014 at 12:34 PM

    I believe my current intimacy disorders and drug abuse is a subconcious effect of childhood.
    i was emotionally abused by mother ( however had a great upbringing) almost spoil buti feared my mother and never had affection. At 12 I came out as gay and was bullied even by so called friends. I didn’t have close friends living in a homophobic town. Eventually when parents split I went wild, excessive dressing, prostitution, and drugs. Now all thats behind me I still distrust people and have never had a relationship i have promiscuous sex when high then feel repulsed by the guy. How do you stop something from your past defining you now when your not even aware of it? I’m now 30 and the feelings get worse
    any advice would be great

  • Aria

    August 25th, 2014 at 10:58 PM

    It’s taken a long time for me to accept that I was emotionally abused growing up; I’m nearly seventeen now, and while it’s still not a healthy family environment, at least I can count the days until I can move out. My mother developed mental problems as a result of her own abusive childhood, and by the time I was two years old, I had very little contact with anyone except my sister, who was four at the time. When my mother was put into a mental hospital, my father had to work two jobs to support us, and so I had very little adult influence until I was almost seven, when he remarried. My new stepmother was the perpetrator in my case; she commented more and more frequently over the years on my weight, appearance, personality, and intellect, leading me to develop many self-destructive tendencies. At twelve years old, I was a kleptomaniac; at thirteen, I was secretly dating behind my parents’ backs; at fifteen, I was considering suicide. Most recently, I’ve been battling an eating disorder. Only within the past few months have I really let anyone get emotionally close to me, and my friend helped me to realize that it wasn’t my fault. I still have trouble believing that some days, but I’m doing better. I’ve never really been able to connect with others, and to be honest, I don’t feel much at all anymore, which is at least an improvement from the bouts of crushing depression I’ve dealt with for all this time.

  • Karen E

    June 1st, 2016 at 11:48 AM

    You sound amazing! Children are born sweet, amazing, loving and perfect. Its never about whats the matter with you but what happened to you. Adults who dont value you and respect us, push those feelings on us. We accept them.
    Then we believe them. Its very damaging. All the bad coping is just trying to deal with the lies. Once you really see the lies – you no longer need to punish yourself for not measuring up.

  • Marcel

    August 31st, 2014 at 10:48 PM

    Hi there
    I wrote last night a comment on this site and hope it will be published after review by the administrator.
    When i woke up this morning, i went back on the computer for giving another tip for those who suffer and also to thank them to tell about their suffering. Keep searching on the net, it’s a great tool when used properly. Just google”recovering from child abuse” and search and read.
    The more you read about, the more you will understand what happened and how you can overcome it. Here is a text that discribes quite well the 2 ways that DON’T WORK:
    Perhaps you are working hard to stay in denial and keep your memories locked away. Doing this is a little like having a lion in your bedroom closet. You can try to keep the lion of your past abuse caged in all different ways, some positive (working hard, exercising, achieving, keeping busy, etc.) and some not so positive (you might use sex, food, alcohol, or drugs to numb yourself). But, in the end the lion is too strong for whatever doors you have erected, and your mind is flooded with memories. You relive your abuse and are again filled with the fear, rage, and anguish you experienced as a young child. But there is a third way.
    There IS HOPE. DON’t GIVE UP. GOD LOVES US ALL.
    BYE

  • Paige

    September 2nd, 2014 at 12:25 PM

    Reading all these has certainly helped for me to know I’m not the only one who’s gone through abuse. Since as a young child my father has been the abuser in my life. Thanks to him my life is still not back together. He did nothing but treat me and my mother horribly growing up. My mother was diagnosed with MS When I was 7 years old and even with that he never backed down from his ways. As a young child I wanted my fathers approval. He used to down grade me and tell me I was worthless and no good, and that I was the reason he was like this to me and my mother. He would constantly threaten us about doing harmful things. And at time went through with it, but what was worse of all to me was not the physical abuse but the emotional one. As I grew older around 10 I had to take much responibility and grow up fast. My mother was getting worse and my father couldn’t care less. Because she was sick she would fall and be paralyzed, her memory was off, she couldn’t even walk without me. I became everything she couldn’t so she could function. I remember seeing her and running to my father asking to help because I was too young to pick her up after she had fallen, All he did was shrug his shoulders and said so. My father refused to help her at any time which meant I had to help her with her shots. Clean our home, cook our dinner, homeschool myself, all while my father complained, sat around, watched porn and absolutely belittled us. As times went on I became very hard. My wall officially went up and I never trusted anyone. I never let anyone know how I was feeling because my father would yell and go on if I so much said I wasn’t feeling good. When I was 13 my mother died. I had found her outside laying down. My life fell apart because now I knew she was finally safe, but I was not. After she died my father acted like he didn’t even care. He went on to even fake cry at her funeral. After that me and him grew further apart because 2 months after she died he started dating. Later married my best friends mother. Then my life became hell. Although the physical abuse stopped the emotional did not. He treated my step sister like gold and would purposely do so just so I would know he hated me. And as usual everything I did was wrong, but now My. Step sister was right and perfect. My stepmother I hated, but I respected her as his wife. My father was already against me but she tried to make him more. So therefore I was officially alone. When I was 17 they had gotten into a fight, I told him I was staying with a family member because I wasn’t dealing with them for a couple days. When I came back all my things were on the curb and the street just throwed everywhere while the door locks were changed. My father literally kicked me to the curb and said nothing. My step mother was their when I saw everything, and all she said was bye and gave me a smile. Although my father was horrible I couldn’t believe that someone could do even this to their own blood and not care. I’m 19 now and we haven’t spoken since. I see him from time to time and the looks he gives me are devilish. I married recently and I’m pregnant, and couldn’t be happier. But the scars remain. My husband is sweet, but since I’ve been pregnant he doesn’t understand my moods. (Which I’m never a moody person). The things he says causes me to break down because in a way my father said the same. And it hinders our relationship. I only hope once this baby boy comes life will be brighter

  • outershell

    September 2nd, 2014 at 10:52 PM

    My parents divorced when I was a year old. As a toddler I was hospitalized frequently for asthma attacks, where my mother would leave me all alone in the hospital so she could go to work. When I was 5 I saw her raped. Her boyfriends were always self-absorbed potheads. Anyway, I have zero confidence in dating and have bad social anxiety and depression. I’m 45 years old and only had one relationship. I think the research has some truth to it.

  • Danielle T.

    September 4th, 2014 at 3:34 PM

    My moms boyfriend said that Im worthless and I should die I’ve been nothing but upset and depressed please help me

  • GoodTherapy.org Support

    September 4th, 2014 at 3:50 PM

    Thank you for your comment, Danielle. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Nicole M

    September 6th, 2014 at 7:35 PM

    Hey when a guy calls me beautiful i feel uncomfortable because i don’t have experience with men in my life. I was raised by a single mother with 2 children and my dad hasn’t been there with me throughout my childhood and during my teen years. Since i was little i struggled with how i look because no one Has really complimented me or gave me alot of emotionally attention due to struggling with money and survival due to the fact i had a single mother. Now i am outgoing and happy but there’s always some trouble with my romantic relationship because i am not use to the attention and i don’t know what to do or act in a situation like that. What should i do????

  • melissa a.

    September 7th, 2014 at 4:40 AM

    The one thing about these web sites is its only a web site. There is no realistic way to get help unless your rich any more. The world is so sucked into virtual reality that there is no true compassion. If you go to church you can get free counceling if you swallow the churches beliefs and let them abuse you as well. Yes I said it. Churches use and abuse the needy. Don’t be fooled by church

  • brogan

    September 13th, 2014 at 4:54 PM

    When I was a child my mother and father were heavy drug users and there was no parents throughout the household. Me and my siblings were alone but we stayed together for 3 years and throughout them years my older siblings acted like parents to me even though they were children themselves. I’ve grown up in care my whole life and I’ve developed loving problems with the opposite sex. I can’t trust all I do is push the closest people to me away, I don’t know how to love anymore. The brick wall I’ve built is to big and strong to knock down or climb over! Will I ever love again? Can someone help me

  • Frankle

    September 19th, 2014 at 2:17 PM

    As an adult I start to feel emotionally claustrophic very easily when starting a relationship with the opposite sex, does anyone else have this issue?
    What I find most difficult to deal with is the fact that my parents/brothers could be the best parents ever then it was mixed in with violence and emotional abuse.
    I was the only one out of my family who received the physical abuse – both my parents and both my brothers hit me and that was until I was in my late teens.
    In my 20’s I was in a very violent relationship and again, I could feel me going down the same road in my 40’s as well which I felt really disturbing.
    I really don’t think I can have a loving relationship with an intimate partner, its a dream.
    My parents and 1 brother are dead now and the other brother doesn’t want to know me (I don’t know why).
    My eldest brother involved me in sexual activity with him.
    When I go to bed at night I often am faced with the family past. Its very hard when people can be so nice to you and then have these hidden facets in their personality which appear. I feel sad that I feel unloved in the proper sense of the word. Now near my 50’s I think its pretty well set that way.

  • Jason L

    September 22nd, 2014 at 3:41 PM

    I grew up hating my father because he used to mistreat my mother and beat me and my entire family. I dreaded the times I used to come home. I barely had friends when I was younger and used to keep to my self. I was a loner. I was physically abused and sexually by my brother and I told no one till today. I don’t think anyone understands this pain more than my mother.

  • Laura

    September 25th, 2014 at 4:25 AM

    I’m 31 now and married to a ‘normal nice person’ but I am still affected by the 9 year constant bullying by my older sister. From the age of 10 my sister who was bullied in school took it out on me by name calling, attacking me, threatening to stab me with a knife, I would run for my life to bedroom and she’d start knifing my door. I had to use all my physical strength to push my door when she was trying to come in. Then I slumped on the floor in tears :( Every single day for years. “your fat, ugly, never get a bf….” My parents put a lock on my door so I locked myself in but I was still chased and tormented.My dad told me to deal with it and told me off for crying and my mum told me not to tell anyone :( I was isolated and now I don’t trust anyone. After abusive romantic relationships I found a kind person but he doesn’t understand any of this. This affected my confidence for years and I never achieved what I wanted due to this and now Im being bullied at work for 9 months and I cannot cope! I’m scared of confrontation, it’s bringing it all back. No-one understands. I’m being bullied at work for being quiet, I’m an easy target :(

  • GoodTherapyAdmin

    GoodTherapyAdmin

    September 25th, 2014 at 9:56 AM

    If you would like to consult with mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage, http://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area. If you’re looking for a counselor that practices a specific type of therapy, or who deals with specific concerns, you can make an advanced search by clicking here: http://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html

    Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

  • Kathryn C.

    October 13th, 2014 at 7:52 PM

    I really need some help!!!! I can’t keep living like

  • GoodTherapy.org Support

    October 14th, 2014 at 12:22 PM

    If you would like to consult with mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage, http://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area. If you’re looking for a counselor that practices a specific type of therapy, or who deals with specific concerns, you can make an advanced search by clicking here: http://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html

    Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

  • michelle

    October 23rd, 2014 at 6:03 AM

    Same boat with being bullied at work for being too quiet. Ive also been emotionally and im pretty sure sexually abused (only bits and pieces are left of the sexual abuse. I think my mind did a decent job of locking that part up) but its still there. Im 36 as of two days ago and my childhood is being brought back in my life due to family issues at the moment. But now, it still affects my life even at the workplace when i sit as low as i can at my desk being as quiet as i can. I feel like i can never catch a break. Nobody will leave me alone even when i try to be invisible. I can never hide. Im sorry for what are went and what u are going through now. I can only say i understand. I wish i knew of a way i could help. Im sorry.

  • Joshua

    January 22nd, 2015 at 6:43 AM

    Hi Laura, i also experienced what you are going through in your childhood life, its a family great issue especially when competition is too high and the treatment of a parent of other siblings is not equal and fair. Those are the days when we struggle for same love and affection of a parent to be given fairly to us. Im a middle child in the family with 5 other siblings and i am jealous and hated very much by my elder sister. she also threatened to stab me with her two knives in her hands, and burn my favourite clothing, there is a emotional health issue inside our family. But i know God has its own ways and purpose in everything that were going through, maybe there is a lesson that can change us when we become adult, and councelors and Life coaches are the right person entrusted to us to change and heal our emotional burden and life issue. God bless! and always look for a brighter side of a bad experiences, no one is perfect, and trust the will of god because he is not blind for all our struggles and sacrifices in life.

  • michelle

    September 27th, 2014 at 8:49 PM

    Just sharing. I am a married, grown professional now, but I still google things every now and then trying to figure out why I can’t feel love or emotions for other people. I was beaten regularly, physically, emotionally abused, and sexually abused by my uncle. I don’t trust anyone, I avoid people & social situations. I have little confidence in my ability to converse without being socially inappropriate. But the thing the drives me crazy is not caring about others. I don’t feel a thing if someone talks about a death in their family. I feel hate, anger, fear, but not love. I don’t cry when it is natural to, I shut everything down as a kid and it is hard to resurrect those emotions from decades ago. I don’t like to touch people or be touched. I’m in counseling but my negative self concept is such an enormous obstacle to overcome. Despite counseling, I share little with others about what I think. I am afraid to share because it is embarrassing to admit these things.

  • Dave

    October 7th, 2014 at 9:31 AM

    Thanks buddy. We grew up in the same “place”
    When someone cries say because their parent or child died-I laugh inside

  • mesh

    October 12th, 2014 at 1:24 AM

    It is terrible to hear all these stories. However, it is essential that this cycle is broken. I was fortunate to come from a very large close family (with its own issues – but never abusive). For some reason I have been in 3 relationships with women who have been emotionally abused. Their reaction to me is sometimes dumbfounding one hit me, one threatened to kill herself and one has major anger and intimacy issues. In each case they have refused to address their past which has led to them being able to deal with a healthy relationship and in turn they are the abusers. Love definitely cannot conquer all but you deserve to be loved and are worth it just let people in and they will care. All is not lost a good counsellor is able to help you confront your demons and may actually assist in making your partner understand your difficulties. It won’t fix but will enable you to discuss and try and work on problems and tackle them from a difficult angle. There are people who will love you I did for all 3 women trust yourselves, professionals and possibly open up to your chosen loved ones – we chose you too warts and all x

  • Danny

    October 17th, 2014 at 5:31 PM

    My grandparents emotionally and sexually abused me sexually as a kid and in my teens emotionally most of my 29 years I don’t like my partner touching me I’m not all that interested in sex I do like to meet people but I find it hard to keep the friendship going on for a long period of time I only have 2 friends in my life iv only just realised this has been happening to me and my family this year my heads all over the place at the moment I don’t really know who I am I have no hobbies I have got interests which is a positive i suppose I suffer with stress and anxieties as a child I used to self harm show a lot of anger but as an adult I just feel blank I do show emotions only on shows ie X factor or any animal cruilty on media sites I may only drop a tear it’s not like a full cry I struggle what to say when I hear some one as desceased I carnt show emotion I know the the person needs comforting so I will just hug them but I don’t really feel anything (am I normal ) ???

  • michelle

    October 23rd, 2014 at 5:46 AM

    Yes danny, you are very normal. Im sorry for what has happened. Thwre are ways for coping and healing but im still researching all this for myself. But you are normal. We are normal.

  • Joshua

    January 22nd, 2015 at 5:50 AM

    Hi dan, you are normal, but whats keeping you normal is maybe you are heading to a major depression, there maybe a sign and symptoms that you simply overlook, base on what you have said you show no emotions and blank, Some other signs of major depression is keeping out of touch of reality and show outburst of anger, my advise to you, dont be afraid to visit psychiatrist and life coach to give you more advise for proper treatment and healing beacause they are the right person who knows our emotional burden health issue and psychological problem. God bless and be hopeful in life.!

  • Hanna

    October 18th, 2014 at 2:55 PM

    Wow. I have never read such horrifying stories excepr in A Child Called It and in the Bible. Of course, just because we were abused, does NOT mean there is something wrong with us. We are born and have an innate knowledge of survival requiring food, water, shelter…to be deprived of these things is neglect. However, in order to be a “functional” adult we need to learn social skills and also eventually form close relationships to form families and raise kids. Indeed, seeing how destructive various forms of abuse are to our self- confidence and ultimately, belief in a loving higher being who can change our understanding of our situations and circumstances, makes me feel more than positive that the devil has been busy preparing a spot in fiery Hell.

    I also grew up without the kind of supports I felt I needed to be assured and encouraged to overcome my social fears. I felt religion was a crutch for morally weak people who needed to blame others for their problems. I didn’t see too much of the positive aspects of having personal faith. However, I’ve been blessed to attend a Bible-teaching church which uses the King James Bible.

    The Bible never says incest, rape, or prostitution are right. But the fact that it does mention these things makes me more aware of its applicability. How do you take a personally painful experience locked away in the body’s nervous system and soul and be “treated” or better? Again I think the Bible deals with these things by using metaphor to explain God’s relationship to His people and vice versa. Things like unfaithfulness, brokenness, defilement, sin, bondage, slavery and forgiveness, redemption, wholeness, protection, freedom, righteousness and justice. If anything, we can see how “sin” has brought pain and suffering and continues to do so. Sometimes, the suffering continues because of our own brokenness and sin. Instead of asking for wisdom and understanding, we easily question the nature of a God that suffers with us. Who weeps with us. Who is torn apart with compassion upon the sick, the handicapped, the unholy…who knew no sin and died to break the curse of a fallen world. Is it possible for us to see the depravity of man in His eyes? What shall we do without understanding the compassion and mercy of a being who detests sin? If God does not exist, what shall stop humanity from its fate of self-destruction, which is ultimately what sin is?

  • Debra E.

    October 24th, 2014 at 3:48 PM

    I am unable to become invested in any real relationship, both friend or romantic. Out of sight, out of mind. Childhood abuse, my long term addictions, and sex work (with all of the crap that entails) have ruined me. I have been clean and sober for 18 years, but that has not changed the fact that I just don’t let ANYONE in. I am in therapy, on anti-depressants, see a great psychiatrist, and yet, still have that hole of fear in my gut and difficulty maintaining a job or friendship. What would you suggest?

  • meegs

    October 25th, 2014 at 9:53 PM

    I am feeling really lost and disconnected right now. Only lately I have acknowledged the abuse, no one believed me or thought it was bad enough then and I can’t seem to be believe it will be any better now 20yrs later.
    The effects have permeated every part of my life but most obvious in all are my interactions with others from my daughter, partner and work colleagues.
    I am distant, fake and untouchable (emotionally/physically).
    I remember a particular clear incident but other memories seem to be just out of reach, I feel these memories in my body but can not place them in context or setting so I worry they are fake.
    Hopefully I can just switch the flashbacks back off again it us rather tiring.
    Meegs

  • Luis R.

    October 27th, 2014 at 11:02 AM

    When I was growing up I suffered severe emotional abuse. There was some physical abuse. When I was 7 my mother had an affair with a coworker. She would sometimes bring me a long. My parents got into heated arguments daily. Much of it was physical. In the morning time my father would rush me while getting ready for school. He would call me stupid and idiot. After school I was always the last child Picked up from daycare. My dad was working and my mom was busy with her affair and would show up 45 minutes late every day. When she would get mad at me she would smack me in my face. Sometimes in public. If we were at home she did not want to be disturbed during her television shows. If I would try to get her attention she would smack me for disturbing her show. Today my life is a mess. I would not blame it all on them but the abuse that I suffered still plays a role. I have been trying to graduate college for 18 years now. Getting out of bed is a chore. Many times I don’t feel like going anywhere or seeing anyone. I am 37 and have never had a significant relationship.

  • Suzanne

    October 27th, 2014 at 10:35 PM

    I’m 46 now and dont want another day, my emotional stability has never been great but i got angry with my own mother in july when she carried on at me for the first birthday of hers I failed, my birthday is new years day, I despise it, as a child i never had a birthday because the booze took priority and it was my fault as i was premature, my dad did however get me a puppy in a december when i was 8, he done it to annoy his mate who mum took us too when she left for her affair, my first word memory really is devils child and jynx, if my dad upset mum she would batter me into a corner, if dad hit mum i had to run down the river to see if she had jumped, the puppy i loved brought more mysery my dad made me walk 6pm everyday with his drinking buddy eric, he had a dog and i wasnt trusted out incase i was off with lads – i was 8 years old! Eric abused me sexually from day one, sweets, suggestions, touching, hurting, all along that damn river she should have jumped in, i was terrified, i begged not to have to go, i tried telling them i didnt like him and got smacked round the face for rudeness, i couldnt break the walk, i stuppidly tried to drown myself- too young to know thats a tough task, i had a brother and he never was involved, he accepted that my mother said life was crap since i came along and I jinxed their lives, by the time i reached 14 i wasnt allowed anywhere alone incase i was having sex with men, i was late once and my mum dragged me through the whole town by my hair, screaming whore at me all the way and everyone watched i just wanted to shrink, what made me think it was my fault was tnat my mum was accepted for fostering and took on sharon who she still sees now, it was madness itself, i found a confident in a friends mum, she listened and offered to help me, my mum got so angry what she could carry in a bin bag was thrust at this woman and a child benefit book to boot, my other belongings were thrown on the street for the bins, about 11pm that night the police came and mum had said i was a runaway, i was allowed to stay that night but i would have to go back regardless, a few weeks later mum and dad were rowing and mum told dad i was with a lad, dad threw me in anger through glass french doors and it cut my wrists badly, i was taken and fixed up and slept on plastic chairs in a police station that night, the next day it was my fault, i threw myself through them, sod them all, and everything i have ever done since has been a mess, relationships are not happy, friends are few, it’s October now, i havent heard from mum since july, she knows my 19 year old tried suicide but hasn’t enquired, she has my brother and his son, she told me when i had my son that iwas lucky because girls are horrible, i try and getvon each day, i abuse substances but have found they make me angry, i dont want another year and each night if I do sleep i hope i never wake and thats how it is for me, I done counceling 15 years ago and overdosed it didnt help me!

  • steve

    November 3rd, 2014 at 1:44 PM

    I’m 42 years old and I thought I would never live this long. I don’t think I ever really wanted to. My first memories as a child are watching 8mm porn on my parents bedroom wall. Watching my dad do stuff sexually to my mom while she screamed and cried. He beat her all the time and then he started on me. I can remember learning to walk, my first haircut…
    My dad would get drunk and do strip teases and tgis dance where he would get an erection and snake it out his underwear. As a kid I would just laugh because I was only 3 or 4. He was in the Army and we moved a lot. My mom left him and custody battles went back and forth for a few years but him being in the Army and having more money he won and got custody. He encouraged pirn, drinking and violence. He was married at least 7 times before he died. He was only 57 when he died. Still a drunk womanizer. I hadn’t talked to him in ten yrs when he died. He slept with my first wife and tried to with a girlfriend. He told me my whole life how I would never be as good as him. He told me he knew he was the way he was and so was his dad and I’m no better than they were so i needes to just accept it.
    My mom would get visitation in the summer and she usually sent me to my aunts. She was a school teacher but that didn’t mean crap. She would lock me outside and stay in the trailer smoking dope and doin pills. She used to have other kids come over and she let me and him make a fort in her bedroom where she kept her playboy and hustler magazine’s. The other boy started doing stuff to me and I was afraid to say no. I didn’t like it at first but then I just got used to it.
    I started cutting myself and trying to break bones. It always made me feel better for some reason.
    My mom got custody in the six grade and i thought things might get better but it was worse emotionally. She stayed out partying at nite leaving me at home when I was scared. Always looking for reasons to ground me so I had to stay home and sit in the living room where she could see me. She never believed me about what was going on at my aunts house and she even let her call me a freak and got mad at me because i ruined her babysitting me.
    My whole life has been filled with this crap and now I’ve ruined another marriage because I can’t cope with it all. I can’t afford therapy and God isn’t taking it away and i don’t know what to do.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    November 3rd, 2014 at 3:50 PM

    Thank you for your comment, Steve. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Jasmine

    November 6th, 2014 at 8:20 PM

    i am 18 years old I’ve been the subject of emotional and physical abuse by mostly my father the physical part that is and the emotional part my mother I’m always getting fat shamed at home told I’m worthless I’m evil I have no future I should have died instead of other family members that I’m a shame to the family I also get slapped and only today we were together in the car my father spit on me for simply telling him I’m the punching bag of the family he called that disrespect.. I feel so horrible about myself I really do believe I’m worthless even tho deep down I know I’m not and the worst part is my mother she never stands up for me I mean I’m her only child at least stand up for me that’s all I ask for I don’t have to wait to be in my forties to know how this will affect my life and being sexually abused as a child really doesn’t help at all I wasn’t abused by my father just by someone else I have tried to run away and commit auicide so many times I really don’t know what to do with my life I feel so helpless… But I do feel better reading your stories and seeing how some of you over came this and hopefully that will be me one day I wish everyone who is in the situation I am in all the best and pray for you all :)

  • Mireille

    November 8th, 2014 at 6:44 PM

    My husband left me about two months ago. Out of the blue, he said he wasn’t sure if he loved me anymore or not. He was distant and drank all the time for the two weeks he remained at home. I believe he is still heavily drinking now. He blamed me for his unhappiness. Right before this happened we were planning to adopt, move ahead with our lives, and all of our friends said how much he loved and adored me.
    I now find out he’s been hanging out with a coworker of his, that he feels it’s safe to have an emotional affair with her because there is not threat of a romantic relationship with since she prefers women and that he feels close to her because she was also abused and understands him. She’s almost 15 years younger than him. He now wants a divorce.
    I feel like he went crazy and became a different man overnight. I feel eventually he’ll come around and remember the love we have shared for almost ten years, but, the way he has treated me, I don’t know if I want to wait if he’s only going to hurt me more. I want to be there for him because I love him and I know the man I know is still there somewhere, but I am not sure if I can.
    And, I fear he’ll do this again. I saw him do this before to someone else when we were just friends. So, I don’t know if I can trust him to get the help he needs to confront his childhood pains.

  • Xiola

    November 11th, 2014 at 8:50 PM

    I am 17 years old now. Just turned on October 24 of this year. I have been emotionally abused since I could remember. My parents struggled with drugs until I was 13. My dad still does coke at times but hardly ever. But he does drink every day until he’s shit faced. Sorry about the language. I was sexually abused by my grandfather. He also abused my mom until she was 15 I think. I also suspect I was abused by my father. A couple of times I would get a flash back of him touching my chest while I was at least 7 or younger. And there are still times now where he looks at me and I feel like he’s undressing me with his eyes. My mother and sister abuse me emotionally. Just an hour ago she told me that she tells at me because I just sit there and take it and don’t yell back and that it’s disrespectful to her and that if I wanted her to stop I should just go to my room. But come on we all know that won’t shut her up. She’ll yell down to me or follow me. My sister also yells at me for no reason. Calls me fat and says she wishes I was never born. They make me wish also. My father doesn’t care but he gets abusive toward my mother when they both drink together. One time I told him I would call the cops if he tried to hurt my mom but he ended up kicking me out but my mom wouldn’t let me leave her exact words always are “your ass is mine until you’re eighteen.” Some times I can hear those words echoing in my head and it makes me cry and brake down. Even during school. My sister just graduated high school last year. She is going to a 7 month program so she can do peoples hair and eye lashes. I made the mistake of asking her when she was going to metro state university. She got accepted. I expected her to go to college. Like real college. And she started yelling at me because apparently her classes are college classes. My mom said today that it’s my fault she treats me this way because I have no respect for her and that I mistreat her. I honestly have never lied to my parents. I do what they ask and right when they ask me. I do have a hard time keeping my room clean though because I’m always busy doing ap home work and studying to spend an hour cleaning up my room. My mom said that that’s basically saying fuck you mom and it also shows lack of self respect and respect for the family. I live in the basement with my sister we have no walls or anything. Just hung up blankets in between our rooms. But we can’t cover it to make it look like a room so the front side must be open. So there’s just one sheet in the middle of the room. My sister likes to Good Night threw my stuff claiming my stuff is hers and that I steal everything from her. It gets me in big trouble. Today I went over to my boyfriend of three years house to do ap chemistry with him and got grounded for basically until i move out because I was late in getting home. My sister when she was 13 ran away and had sex with a 17 year old to get back at my mom for doing drugs. They let her do whatever she wants because of it. She did contract a curable std but they did not control her. She got to do whatever she wanted. I always wonder if I did that would they love me like her? Here is an exert from my “diary” “My life is beginning to turn into a Cinderella story. My sister gets to do what ever she wants. I have to slave away at cleaning and cooking. If I miss something, I get yelled at, grounded, or my phone set back another month from getting turned on. I’m waiting for the day when my parents start hitting me. Where I have to hide my bruises. They hurt me so much emotionally. I’m surprised I’m still alive. My dad calls me retarded and when my sister calls me ugly my mom agrees. They lie to peoples faces about me. Say I’m mean to my boyfriend. They always tell them they don’t know why he’s still with me. They tell my teachers about a relationship we never have. Every one believes them. Why?? My sister tells them she wants pizza they get it for her. I say I want hot wings. Oh it’s too damn expensive. I want a phone (which they barley got for me, from a pawn shop!) they put it off until they can’t anymore. They jump for my sister. Like just now she asked if I wanted to go to my uncle Sly’s house I said no I’m okay, she went upstairs and told some story about me saying no. I haven’t eaten since last night. They took my appetite away. It’s 12:32 pm right now. When they leave I might get it back and find something small to eat. Like a protein bar or something. That’s the least I could do. My sisters been gaining weight like no other, but then again she’s been so lazy. My boyfriend tries his hardest to make be feel better, I love his efforts, but the happiness fades once I return or once he leaves. Life is just getting worse. I can’t seem to be able to breath. I don’t know what caused all this sadness. I just want to cry forever. I feel like I can’t breath even though I am. What if happiness is just isn’t for me?” I’ve been so angry lately. It’s effecting everyone around me. I feel horrible just lashing out the way I do. I feel even worse knowing I’m not sorry. I don’t know what to do. Every wrong move and I’m pissed off. My headaches have been worse. It’s like they’re never really gone unless I forget about them. I don’t know what to do. How can anyone ever be happy when people are making things go bad in every way they can? Yeah I know my life is fucked up, always has been. I just don’t think I could ever get use to it. All my life I’ve been told I couldn’t do this or go there. Even by teachers and friends. For once I finally found someone who wants be to do this and go there but everyone is making it impossible. New York still haunts me, minds matter still crushes me. My parents keep me captive. My sister mentally kills me. I cannot win. Ever. I know I should stick it out for Josh, I know I should stay strong and try to “get through it” but it’s beginning to be impossible. And I’m scared to tell him I might not make it through this year. I want to but my heart and my mind can’t take this anymore and there’s nothing left to do. My parents hate me. I don’t know why people keep telling me they don’t. I tell them everything but when they hear it and I ask, it’s like they’re protecting me from the truth instead of admitting it and telling me they help me get out. Every one is just sitting back and watching me. And it’s painful. I can’t hold on anymore. Life gets harder every passing day. Every thousand tear that falls isn’t even as close to the pain I feel inside. No one really understands. I know no one ever will. They ignore me. Mistreat me. Why? What did I do when they had me that made them resent me so much? I do my best every single day to please them, to make them proud. All I get in return is a go to your room or get the fuck out of my face. All my dad does is drink till he’s shit face. My mom screams at me every time she’s pissed. My sister loves to makes feel like shit and no one is ever there to witness it. When I try and make a conversation, don’t even think about it. No ones going to listen. Now my bed reeks of beer that my dad spilt. It leaked through the floor. Does anyone care? Haha! That funny. No ones going to care, no ones going to even know. I have to conceal. Not feel. Be quiet. Invisible. But at the same time. Be happy, energetic, funny, and hide an emotion that wants to escape every passing day. I need out. Please help me. I’ve looked up everything I could but it all says that in the end I’m stuck with my parents. I’m sorry it was so long :(

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    November 12th, 2014 at 9:30 AM

    Hi Xiola,

    We received the comment that you submitted on our blog last night. Thank you so much for visiting GoodTherapy.org. If you are experiencing a life-threatening emergency, in danger of hurting yourself or others, feeling suicidal, overwhelmed, or in crisis, it’s very important that you get immediate help! You can do one of the following immediately:

    • Call your local law enforcement agency (911);
    • Go to the nearest hospital emergency room;
    • Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TTY:1-800-799-4TTY)

    The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is equipped to take a wide range of calls, from immediate suicidal crisis to providing information about mental health. Some of the reasons to call are listed below: • Call to speak with someone who cares;
    • Call if you feel you might be in danger of hurting yourself;
    • Call to find referrals to mental health services in your area;
    • Call to speak to a crisis worker about someone you’re concerned about.

    If you are a victim of domestic violence, you can call your local hotline and/or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233) (TTY 1−800−787−3224)

    RAINN provides support for sexual assault victims and their loved ones through two hotlines at 800.656.HOPE and Online.RAINN.org. Whether you are more comfortable on the telephone or online, RAINN has services that can guide you in your recovery.
    • The National Sexual Assault Hotline: If you need support, call 800.656.HOPE, and you will be directed to a rape crisis center near your area.
    • The National Sexual Assault Online Hotline: is the first secure web-based crisis hotline providing live and anonymous support through an interface as intuitive as instant messaging.
    • For more information visit http://rainn.org/get-help/national-sexual-assault-online-hotline.

    Warm regards,

    The GoodTherapy.org Support Team

  • mommie

    November 14th, 2014 at 6:50 AM

    Honey, your Childhood Sounds Very Similar To Mine. The Biggest Thing I Regret Is Not TellinG Anyone About The Abuse. Keeping It A Secret Enabled My Parents To Continue To Get Worse. I Got My First Job At Your Age And My Coworker Introduced Me To A New Way Of Thinking. She Told Me About codependencY And Told Me To Go To The police When An Incident Happened. The Best Thing I Ever Did Was To Report The Abuse. My Parents Saw That They Weren’t Getting Away With This. I Moved Out. Finally Had Peace In My Life. My Parents Divorced And Over Time Have Gotten Better. They Don’t Fight Anymore Because TheY Don’T Live Together. I’ve Been In Counseling. You Need To Find A Way Out Of This Situation. Find A Friend You Can Stay With. Tell Them What Happened. Tell Your Teachers. tell CPS. It’s Hard To Do But If You Don’t, It Won’t Stop. Get Out And Have A Trusted Adult Help You Get Counseling. Research Abuse And Codependency. EducateYourself. Knowledge Really Is Power. If I Could Go BaCk In Time And Tell Myself That I Would. And I Would Tell Myself What I’m Going To Tell You: “You Don’t Deserve To Be Treated This Way! YouDeserve A Better Happier Life!”

  • Erica

    November 13th, 2014 at 11:28 PM

    I am newly 20 years old up late at night thinking what the hell is wrong with me? I stumbled upon this site after failed attempts at finding a book that can somehow decode myself, my irrational behaviors and magically cure my spurts of anxiety and depression that I have faced since I was 11 years old. When I was 11 years old I had to choose between living with my drug addict mother or a dad that I barely knew since he lived away due to work and… life.. who knows where the hell he was. I remember being traumatized. My mom, while a drug addict and alcoholic, was my rock. Now in my adulthood I am told that I left her and my brother by themselves. And that I am the reason we never speak. Even though we live states away, I have actually believed that I am in the wrong for losing contact with her and leaving my brother(whom we dont share the same dad) to live with her and my crackhead step dad. Its scarring when she leaves me drunken voicemails saying how she wishes we were closer and that I chose my “white” family over my black ones.These are things I have somehow dealt with for most of my life and just tried to convince myself to still maintain a normal life…. and in addition to that While living with my dad I faced verbal abuse which mostly escalated during my highschool years.He physically slapped me, but it was always because I stood up for myself. The thing I’ve never understood is that when a child who is always dealing with adult situations actually speaks up like an adult they are punished? This pretty much happened to me for five years of my life. i heard about all of my dads financial, relationship, work, etc. problems Never once was asked how my SCHOOL DAY was. and was quickly shushed when I told him how my day went or ignored or simply just told what needed to be done around the house. We mostly got into fights when I told him I didnt like how he was raising my younger brother (5 at the time would just leave him to play video games from7am-10PM while he was playing on the phone or computer) He literally pushed me into the edge of the table and chased me around the house slapped me and then sat ontop of me with his knee crushing into my lungs so I couldnt breath when I told him I was going to call the cops he literally crushed my phone in his hands. I shake reliving those moments. It got to the point where I had to take sleeping pills everyday afterschool just to escape his existence. I would fall a sleep on the couch after school and when I heard the garage door opening when he was coming home from work my heart would literally race and i would sprint downstairs to my bedroom and lock my door. It was fucking awful. My dad has not been able to keep a stable relationship ever in his life. He is a “type a, Alpha” he genuinely believes this but to me he is a relentless ignorant asshole who has traumatized me and potentially doing the same to my Now eight year old brother.(every time i see my brother he has high anxiety and is very emotional ex. he started crying when my dad forced him to shoot a rifle because he told my dad no but my dad NEEDED to get a video and post it on FB which leads me to believe my dad is always forcing him to do things he doesn’t want to and now hes fed up) Now that I am out of the house all is fine… i guess. I have been with my boyfriend for three years now and at times I cant explain why I’m un trusting of him i lash out and go ballistic over things I consider “deal breakers” which are actually unreal scenarios i’ve convinced myself to be true of my boyfriend being attracted to pretty much every girl on the earth who isn’t me regardless of how much he reassures me that’s a lie. It’s really sad when you make the nicest, kindest people turn into someone as sad and fucked up as yourself and have no idea why. I truly try not to pass the buck to my parents but at this point, in my defining stage of life, I’m starting to think maybe I’m not actually a “survivor” of abuse. I can relate to another post about wanting a kid of my own, I actually dream about it and it infuriates me to no end seeing my peers pop out children as if its some contest. I view having kids as the ultimate reward in my life, to give them the love, affection, compliments and guidance that i envied my friends for receiving.

  • Gillian

    November 19th, 2014 at 8:40 AM

    Erica, my heart breaks for you, but I see such strength in your words. Good for you for moving away from both your mother and father, otherwise the cycle of pleasing self absorbed parents would continue. I wish I had answers for you, but I continue to struggle with many repricautions from my childhood after lots of therapy and soul searching today and I’m almost 32. It is so hard. These habits we formed when we were too young to remember can follow us for our entire lives. I wonder if I’ll ever completely heal, or if I’ll just continue to develop coping strategies that will enviably fail me at times. I do the same with my husband. I imagine the worst case scenario, and want to leave him before it enviably happens. I’d rather run away than be hurt. Trust is so hard for us, because we were always lied to and nothing was ever stable. I sometime feel like I subconsciously want bad things to happen, so the inevitable is over. I can never be happy. I have severe catastrophic thinking. Children certainly are a gift, and you are very wise to wait until you’re ready, unlike your friends. 20 is so young, and I appreciate the time I took to grow and mature before having my son at 27. Now I’m pregnant with my second, and having these children makes life more full. I fear I’ll be too kind and good to them, trying to make up for what I never had, but so far my son is a well rounded good boy, so I must be doing something right. I wish you the best as you search for healing. Definitely seek counseling if you can, and write about your experiences. My counselor always recommends writing letter to my parents but never sending them. I haven’t don’t it yet. I think I subconsciously avoid thinking about experiences past, because reliving them hurts, but it’s necessary. None the less, your parents have severely impacted you, and they will continue to manipulate if you allow them to. Staying as far away as possible is best, unless they begin to work on their own issues, which you will rarely see. I currently have very little or no contact with my abusive narcissistic father. I only see him if he happens to be at a family funeral etc that he attends. I get butterflies when I have to be in his presence. I feel bad that it can’t be different, but it can’t, for me. I still see my pill addicted mother, but we have many ups and downs, and sometimes I want to cut her off completely, but there’s something in her that isn’t entirely terrible. I know she probably will not change though.

  • Jess

    November 23rd, 2014 at 5:47 PM

    Emotional abuse ruins a child. I’ll never be or feel whole. I’m happy and thankful for the things I have but it’ll never be completely good.

  • Taylor

    November 25th, 2014 at 4:40 AM

    Hello, my name is Taylor. I just turned 21 a couple of weeks ago. I myself have been emotionally abused by my own Parents. I noticed something back in 2008, like I had a feel for something bad about my Ma. At first we had a good relationship, and my Father was like the best Father I could ever have.

    In 2008, it seemed like I started getting called retarded, other names, yelled at. I can understand the yelling if it’s to keep me in line, but name calling isn’t good, and is in no way acceptable in my opinion even if it is to keep me in line.

    It got worse starting around mid 2011, but it really nailed me into depression around the time I started College, which was this past August (I started the day my Ma had her birthday go figure). Me and my Father have even fought about 3 times since 2011, and one time when me and Ma were arguing, he brought a gun out, pointed it at the ceiling, and fired.

    At first he said it was to get everyone to calm down, then a few minutes later he said he thought he had the safety on. Now note, my Father is a former Marine, and former Cop, made it to the rank of Sergeant in both fields. I myself had Security training last year at Guthrie Job Corps, and I made it to the rank of Sergeant as well, but despite my tough attitude at times, man it is hard for me to get through each day.

    My Ma calls me names constantly, Father always acts aggressively towards me, and my Parents have called the Cops on me about 12+ times since 2008. I even called the Cops on Father once after our first fight. He had a Broomstick, he said do I want it up my butt? I grabbed for it in hopes to toss it away so that he doesn’t try to cause me physical harm. He charges at me, gets me on the couch, we tussle go the Broomstick (think of the first mission of Call of Duty 3, I was thinking that way, it was almost exactly thay way, except without a rifle), I get the Broomstick, tried to him twice (unsuccessful both times), and put it on the ground.

    I went to my bedroom all shook up and crying uncontrollably, and called the Cops. They came, and I hung the phone up (was with the dispatcher until Police showed up). I tell my side of the story, Father tells his side, his side is taken as usual. I didn’t get arrested, and thank goodness I didn’t, that would’ve seriously screwed my life up, all because I have a Father who won’t control himself. This happened back in October of 2011, in fact it happened on the first Sunday following October 15th, because the 15th is when I started, and I vividly remember it being a Sunday when the incident occurred.

    I haven’t been emotionally abused for like the past 2 weeks or so, but the fact that this abuse has happened over and over for so long, keeps me in a depression almost 24/7. The only real times I have the episodes of uncontrollable crying if they happen is when I lay down to go to sleep. I tend to get my mind off of it when I move around and such, but I still have that permanent emotional damage deep down inside me. My Ma has even blamed me for her problems and such.

    I have contemplated suicide before. I have a Pocket Knife, I thought about using my Father’s Handgun, but in the end I did not kill myself. In fact I realized that if I kill myself, I’ll never know what might have been. So I suffer through, day by day, and do what I can.

    I work as a Security Officer 3 nights per week (2 of them being 6pm-6am Saturdays and Sundays), and I currently go to Rose State College Monday-Thursday. It’s difficult for me to focus on work, but I am managing. First semester is almost over, and I plan to do some out of state traveling the week following finals.

    I still live with my Parents, by I plan on looking for an Apartment in the next week if I can, though it’ll likely be after the first of next year due to Holidays and the cold weather and snow and such. I do get paid to go to School, so I’ve been figuring out what my Budget will be. I paid off my second Vehicle 2 weeks ago (paid it in 1 cash payment, didn’t have to finance). First Vehicle lasted from December 2013 – July 2014, got totalled out.

    I have never dated in my life, and for right now I just need to get my own place, graduate in 2016 with my Associates Degree, and move. I plan to move to California after I graduate, that’s my plan for now. I’ll figure out what I’m going to do in California once I enter my last Semester, for now it’s just doing what I can to get out of my situation. If I don’t get out soon, my Parents will probably call the Cops on me again, and somehow I’ll get arrested, which I can’t afford now.

    I honestly don’t consider myself a threat to anyone, I mean I’m a Security Officer (have been since October of last year), I go to College, and I have a plan for myself. Inc I graduate, move to California, get settled in there, and get a Job in what I majored in, I really want to start dating. It would help ease my pain, and it would be amazing to be with someone that loves me and someone I love and will be there for.

    Anyway I’ve rambled on way too long, and I apologize for it. Yeah, work, school, plan. I hope one day the vicious cycle will be broken, and that our Society will improve and not be taken down again like it did before. I’m signing off now. I hope everyone will have a safe day, afternoon, evening, night, or whatever time it is.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    November 25th, 2014 at 10:02 AM

    Hi Taylor,

    We received the comment that you submitted on our blog earlier today. Thank you so much for visiting GoodTherapy.org. If you are experiencing a life-threatening emergency, in danger of hurting yourself or others, feeling suicidal, overwhelmed, or in crisis, it’s very important that you get immediate help! You can do one of the following immediately:

    • Call your local law enforcement agency (911);
    • Go to the nearest hospital emergency room;
    • Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TTY:1-800-799-4TTY)

    The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is equipped to take a wide range of calls, from immediate suicidal crisis to providing information about mental health. Some of the reasons to call are listed below: • Call to speak with someone who cares;
    • Call if you feel you might be in danger of hurting yourself;
    • Call to find referrals to mental health services in your area;
    • Call to speak to a crisis worker about someone you’re concerned about.

    If you are a victim of domestic violence, you can call your local hotline and/or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233) (TTY 1−800−787−3224)

    RAINN provides support for sexual assault victims and their loved ones through two hotlines at 800.656.HOPE and Online.RAINN.org. Whether you are more comfortable on the telephone or online, RAINN has services that can guide you in your recovery.
    • The National Sexual Assault Hotline: If you need support, call 800.656.HOPE, and you will be directed to a rape crisis center near your area.
    • The National Sexual Assault Online Hotline: is the first secure web-based crisis hotline providing live and anonymous support through an interface as intuitive as instant messaging.
    • For more information visit http://rainn.org/get-help/national-sexual-assault-online-hotline.

    Warm regards,

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Taylor

    April 19th, 2015 at 3:26 AM

    I’m no longer suicidal, and I think I pointed that out in my message, but thanks anyways. I’m doing much better now. I’ve been out in my own apartment for about 3 months now, almost done with the 2nd semester in college, and my depression has lightened up a lot, though I sometimes still get depressed, but rarely is it really bad anymore. I’m so glad I managed to get out of my parents house and out on my own, as it has really helped me out tremendously. I’m not sure where I would’ve been now had I still not been out on my own, but I do know where I’m at now. So yeah.

  • Tash

    November 25th, 2014 at 3:11 PM

    The guy I like was severely physically and emotionally abused as a child by his elder brother. His brother went to rehab for all of it but his parents put up blinders to pretend that it never happened. I am extremely worried for him. He is an extremely tough spot because he is unable to make connections with other people especially when it comes to trusting others and loving/caring for others. He has basically said to me that he isn’t trustable and that he doesn’t care about others. I don’t wanna know how to work with this to make a relationship with him but I love him so much that I want to support him and help him because he is my best friend and he deserves to have everything we have. I have never gone through something like this but I desperately want to know how to help him. What do I do???

  • Taylor

    November 26th, 2014 at 4:15 AM

    I would try asking him if there’s anything I could do for him. I’d try to ask questions, get in depth detail about the past, and try to think of something that way. All of places will say ” oh just tell him to get counseling “, but really? That’s all they got time to say anymore? Shell out money for something that has a 50/50 shot of not working, when someone related in a way has a slightly better chance of help in the person out?

    Now what I described, that’s just me, but only you can make the decision on what to do. If after doing that, if it don’t work, I would sadly just let it be, or maybe even talk to the person’s parents and see about getting it resolved that way. After that additional step, if it don’t work, sadly, you’d have to let it go unfortunately. I mean I don’t advise you to force the person into counseling or such, they have to make the decision themselves. Good luck to you and your guy

  • Martinique S

    November 28th, 2014 at 8:32 AM

    I am 27 years old and have faced emotional abuse since childhood. As a child, I was exposed to terrible fights between my parents. Even though my mother fails to acknowledge this, I had to act as a buffer between my parents while they were arguing and as a result, their negativity and hatred for each other got projected onto me. My mother expected that I would listen patiently to all her complaints and woes about my father but never reciprocate. I always felt like my family was under threat and either one or both of my parents would leave or harm themselves. I had to go to school day after day with this feeling of insecurity about what I would find when I got home. This fear turned me into a quiet and withdrawn child, this in turn did not allow me to make friends easily and suppressed my extracurricular talents. As a result, I became a bookworm and a music and internet addict. I always sought an escape from the pain in my life in the aforementioned things but the emptiness never seemed to go away. I did not have the courage to drink, smoke or do drugs for fear of social excommunication. I was also a victim of severe racist taunts at school. There were some very painful incidents that I can remember such as the time when my name was distorted into an unspeakable abuse by my classmates. Another incident that I remember was the time when I almost drowned in the school swimming pool because no student was willing to save me because of their racist hatred. When I was 17, my mother left our home for an overseas employment opportunity. After that, my dad treated me very badly by ganging up with his family members and taunting me. This once again amplified my introverted personality and made me a target of workplace bullying. This went on till I was 25. I made an attempt to change things for myself but people around did not even acknowledge these efforts. I also tried my level best to get a stellar education (which I did, to an extent)however, my teenage ambition of acquiring an MBA degree remained unfulfilled despite my securing good scores in the standardised entrance tests. My dad chided me for ‘wasting money’ even though I had tried my very best to gain admission to a top end business school. My mother recently left home again and now, I am forced to survive with my father, who is unreasonable and caustic. There have been some sporadic incidents of physical violence as well. I live in a country where it is not very safe for women to be living on their own, which is why I am still with my parents. I feel very trapped in my present situation as I do not have a job. All my friendships have been temporary and generally ended when my friends moved to another city or got married or finished using me academically and professionally. I have not been able to have any romantic relationship due to trust issues and commitment phobia. I have been single all my life and romantic interest has never extended beyond the ‘crush’ phase. I have a hunch that my troubled life has something to do with all this. I have lived my entire life believing that my pain and my problems were too unimportant for others to acknowledge or help me with which is why I kept silent about them. I have come to a stage where I feel cheated and punished for things that are not even remotely my fault. I have been good to people but I have rarely (if ever) received the same kind of treatment in return. This hurts.

  • Ashley D

    December 1st, 2014 at 4:45 PM

    Hi, I’m Ashley, currently 15 years old and my stepdad is a real jerk all the time. I’m just kind of curious is verbal and emotonal abuse considereal a crime? But anyways, I’ve lived with my mom and stepdad for about 11 years now. I have 4 step-siblings all younger. My stepdad has told me countless times that whatever I do isn’t good enough that I suck at everything. That whenever my siblings get hurt that it’s my fault and even when it’s an accident he’s all like Mhmmm sureeee. My parents have found out about me being on my last string, by just being done with everything and my stepdad teases me about and is always like oh were so mean to you. My mom told my that my life isn’t that bad. I want to go live wit my dad but, he’s not that finacally stable enough, he lives on social security. And I just don’t know what to do

  • l

    December 5th, 2014 at 10:27 AM

    I was emotionally abused by my dad growing up though I know he tried not to. He had a history of neglecting my accomplishments on tests or any events in my life. Even though i wasn’t the sports type child i went into sports to get him to notice me. I failed miserably at sports and had anxiety when playing public matches in soccer and football, i also went into karate and even then i had anxiety problems and stress. Eventually i quit sports. I had a serious relationship with a girl at one point for five years but due to my anxiety, stress, and overall distrust it didn’t workout. It didn’t help that much when i found out she was cheating on me so now here again i am emotionally neglected. I felt neglected emotionally my whole childhood and young adult life with my father and ex girlfriend. My mother was the only one who seemed to care, even then and now it seems iffy at best that she cares. My sister never cared for me, always craving attention, going to parties causing problems for me and my family. She was even involved in tons of sports in highschool, even if she had all the attention of my parents she needed more from everybody else. Before i knew it i become hey arent you so and so’s brother. Needless to say i did not speak nor hangout with those people. I was even left out of my senior highschool year book which depressed me even more. I was such a shadow in high school i will not even think of going to the reunion. I feel like a shadow now and I’m 25. No trust in girls or people in general, no great paying job, my dad wants a relationship with me but i don’t want to be emotionally neglected or abused by him again to even try. I forgot he has hit me numerous amount of times, he forced me to get a job when i turned 16 so i would be out of his hair even after i got off school. My days would be like this in my sophomore year and throughout the rest of my high school: Get up at 6am take shower leave for bus at 6:30am go to school at 7am study in class, do homework while in class, get some sleep in one class, all before 12pm. Some days i wouldn’t eat lunch at school because i was so tired but i dare not tell my dad or mom this because i was afraid i would be hit by my dad again. So as soon as i get home around 3pm i eat my lunch. Finish remaining homework before 4pm go to work until 10pm. Study after work i get home. By the time my day ended it was at 12am at night. I have been overweight because of my eating disorder and energy drink consumption. So now i do not trust anyone but myself, only help myself, only care about myself and my needs, i dont have any emotions most of them are fake so i dont look wierd or out of place. I sometimes think of killing myself a dozen or more times a day. I think i really need help, my dad has apologized for emotionally and physically abusing me. But it doesn’t help, i think if he went through my pain like i did; Alone and out of place oftern been told i was wierd or a hermit, he would feel my pain. I’m so emotionally detached i am afraid of myself. im reaching out to someone or anyone because i need help i may end up hurting myself when I’m in emotional pain or rage.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    December 5th, 2014 at 10:55 AM

    Thank you for your comment, L. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Des

    December 7th, 2014 at 11:11 PM

    I am 15 years old. My mom had me at age 16 and my dad was 21, and because of that huge age difference my dad was suppose to go to jail but the judge just registered him as a sex offender. The sexual encounters between my dad and mom were consensual. I never saw my dad physically abuse my mom, but over the years I have heard many horrifying stories. My dad ended up going to prison when i was 4 over a physical encounter with my mom and I’m pretty sure a few drug charges. So long story short, my mom got hooked on drugs and wasn’t really there either. Of course there was times when my mom was completely sober, but she was on and off with that whole subject until recently. She has been sober for 2 years now. I spent 10 years living and being raised by my grandparents, with my 2 brothers. My dad only went to prison for 3 1/2 years. I remember for the first time I actually met him. I was living in Wichita, Kansas at the time with my mother, 8 years old. Automatically, when I met him, i wanted to be around him and all that. It was like wow!I have a dad now. It was exciting. He had a girlfriend named stephanie, and I had a lot of love for her and my step brother and sister. after a year or so, she got pregnant. My dad ended up cheating on her, with my most recently step mom adriana. Also, I never noticed anything weird about My dad and Stephanie’s relationship. Every since i was 9, I have lived with my dad, adriana, and my two step sisters bryana(now 13) and kaylin(9). My dad and Adriana recently broke it off. Now, this relationship I FULL ON WITNESSED. and you can imagine my pain when i realized that all those stories i had heard about my dad…were now coming true. I love my dad, and want the best for him. But for 6 years now, i have witnessed his HORRIBLE actions towards my stepmom(now ex step mom). extreme physical and emotional abuse. for example, constantly accusing her of cheating on him, name calling, and i can count a number of times when he used force to get her to do something. I did witness one time,(the most recent fight, that caused there break up on 11-17-14) as they were fighting my dad got on top of her and was
    “dry-humping” her and i was yelling at him to stop. YES. THIS ALL HAPPENED IN FRONT OF MY OWN EYES.she wanted to leave and he wouldn’t let her. i yelled at him and told him he wasn’t her dad. He then got mad at me, and called ME names and all this other hurtful stuff. My dad always told me to mind my buisness but how could i. But not just towards her. My dad has never hit me or my siblings, but the emotional abuse was a big issue with us. When my dad and adriana would fight, they would end up getting mad at us and yelling at us. I can’t forget the numberless nights i didn’t go to sleep because they were up all night screaming bloody mary. They would always apologize and say they were gonna get counseling…aaaand they did. But get this! We would all go to counseling as a family, and not even a minute after we left…screaming. screaming. screaming. i would try to talk to my dad’s sisters but they acted no different than him and were always so defensive over him and acted as though my issues weren’t as big as somebody else’s. And over time, i started to believe that. But what my dad has done to us, feels unforgivable. Anyways, now i don’t admit it to anyone else but i have so much anger inside of me. I can’t believe my dad would do this to me, and when i see a picture of him i just bawl. I love him so much, why would he hurt me like this? I’m just so scared, that when i grow up…how will i act in my own relationships? I am 15 years old, now you would think i would have little boyfriends or some guys im “talking” to and all my friends always tell me how beautiful i am and i swear every guy i meet is completely shocked that I AM SINGLE. and i don’t get it. all these boys want me, but i am scared, i am so scared. why? I’m scared someone will treat me like my dad treated adriana and i won’t be strong enough to leave him like her. they were together for 6 years. the abuse was non stop. she always said how horrible he was, but obviously she loved him so much and wanted him to change. im scared of loving someone so much that i will let them treat me however they want, talk to me however they want and i will forgive them over and over again and then next thing you know 6 years pass and it’s the same BS. im scared.

  • Nandi

    December 11th, 2014 at 8:16 AM

    My name is Nandi.. I’m 22 and come from a generally good home. My father is very loving and understanding. and my mother is strong & caring. The problem was never my parents. It was my cousin. At the time, I was 4 years old and he was 6. He began playing with me at that age and by the time I was 9, he engaged in sexual activities with me. I was young and did not understand what
    sex was. Even at around that age there was a boy at school who would stick his hands in my pants. Anyhow, My cousin would always be the one initiating it. Until this one time when my brother caught us. My brother still thinks its my fault and that I wanted it. We haven’t spoken about it since that day. But i can tell that he doesn’t respect me as much since that incident. And how do i even explain to him what really happened. It wasn’t rape. I don’t even know what it was.That was when I realized that what was going on was immoral & wrong. By the time i was 15 i texted my cousin & asked him why he made me engage with him sexually, since he knew better, I wanted answers but all he said was “what we had was amazing”.. I was so mad that Even years later, he took it lightly. Since then, I’ve been afraid of engaging in any sexual activities with men in general. Instead, I’ve had sexual and emotional relationships with women and it is and has been fulfilling. I feel like I can fully trust and be comfortable with women better than men, emotionally, sexually, mentally. Anyways. I’ve known this great guy since high school, around age 16. He used to write me poems which was cute. We still talk now, and have reached a level of our relationship where we want to have sex. But for some reason I can’t. I can’t even be aroused or turned on by him. He’s the first guy I’ve tried to be intimate with. I’ve told him about my past, and he understands. He’s been very patient with me. I just really want to get over my fear of being intimate with him and see it as a moment of making love. Is it possible that I may be a lesbian because of my past? Or is it possible for me to be in love and sexually aroused by men? Please help.

  • Patricia D.

    February 7th, 2015 at 5:37 PM

    Dear Nandi,
    I want to reply because I understand how difficult it is to trust again after being sexually abused. I was by a friends grandfather when I was 7 years old and was gang raped when I was 14years old.
    What you need to believe is the truth that not all men are evil theives and that there are men who can be trusted. You need to believe what your gut instinck tells you about people and them keep believing that truth.
    Your friend sounds like a good man and if he is patient and kind to you then he sounds like he really cares, and its up to you to choose the truth, for truths sake, instead of letting fear and hurt control your actions towards him.
    Be gentle with yourself and him and dare to hope for loves sake.
    I wish you every goodness in life always.

  • Natasha

    December 24th, 2014 at 9:04 PM

    I’ve never heard of CEM before.
    It was very interested to read something that describes to an exact T my life.
    And then I read a few comments.
    And then I scrolled to see HOW MANY comments there are.
    It is insane that this is so rampant, yet I hope we can all find enough comfort to find love and pass it on in our own lives, to break the chain of mean parents.

    I am 28 years old and after yet another Christmas Eve ruined by my step-fathers presence and his verbal abuse to myself and my mother I had what I thought were some great talk-throughts with my husband about it tonight.

    I ended up in tears after they left this evening, and even for a split second almost took it out on my husband but caught myself in the act. The way I was treated as a child has without a doubt effected, negatively, the way I act as a grown-up and how I accept feeling loved.

    After going online (social feeds) after they left I saw at least 20 friends posting great images or videos of truly enjoyable family times together this evening.
    I can honestly say I have never had one of those with my parents. I have had countless with other families, and I know what they are, and as such know that we still have yet to ever carry on a fun evening.

    It warmed me up a little bit to know that good times CAN be had, though likely not ever with them, but it is possible. I thought I would ask Google “what to do when your step-father ruins Christmas” as we prepare for Christmas Dinner with him tomorrow, and I found this thread.

    You are loved!

  • Pook

    December 27th, 2014 at 1:37 AM

    My thoughts of my father as a child are of him saying “I wish you were never born”, and that “I wasn’t fit to be part of the human race”. Most of my childhood memories of him are like this, him hitting me as well. I only have a couple of happy memories of him as a child. I guess that is what I have been trying to grasp more of my whole life…the happy memories. As a child my father used to tell me that when I would grow up I would never amount to anything, that I was going to be a prostitute and be on the street. Of course I was 12 years old and didn’t even know what a prostitute was, I would have to go to my room and look it up in the dictionary. My mother was always yelling at him for saying such horrible things to me, eventually my mother could no longer take him or his abuse and she left… At that point I was around 14. For a short period he was actually nice to me, and I thought maybe it was my mom he was mad at? But then it started again, new women would come in and out of my childhood home and he would be back to the ” I wish you were never born” nonsense again. He kept telling me how he wished I had left with my mother etc. at one point when I was 15 almost 16 I tried to kill myself, I wrote a letter to my mother telling her how much I loved her, and proceeded to swallow every pill I could find in the house.. I was in my bedroom with the door shut, and I remember feeling like I had left my body, I was looking down at my body…. And then I started vomiting and it all ended… I was sick over and over to the point there was blood. I guess at some point my father had come home and heard me in the bathroom vomiting. He couldn’t figure out what was wrong. He went in my room and found all the pill bottles and my note, he stood over me and said ” look at you, trying to kill yourself, you can’t even do that right” … I was very sick for a good two weeks after that.. I could barely get out of bed, my father never took me to the hospital to see if I was ok. And of course he never contacted the school as to why I wasn’t there. I was already having so many problems at school that when I returned and they started questioning me about where I was, I didn’t want to say anything… In the end it didn’t really matter because I came home to all my belongings being in garbage bags on the front lawn and the locks changed on the house.
    I’m sure you don’t want to hear the rest of this, but to make a long story short. I ended up on a plane and with my mother… During that time my father would call non stop apologizing, saying how sorry he was, how he wishes I would come home… I would actually feel bad for him as I heard him crying on the phone… Years of this abuse went on, and in my 20’s I stopped talking with him for a few years… Of course he found me through one of my childhood friends and apologized to me for everything he did to me as a child, telling me how proud he was that “I didn’t end up a drug addict on the street” … Anyways, I slowly let him back into my life, at this point he had gone through a second divorce and numerous girlfriends so again I felt sorry for him… I had completed my high school on my own, and attended college on my own, was in the midst of starting my career, everything seemed great. My father met a very nice lady and things seemed to be fine, yes my father would still cut me down in front of my friends, he would do it jokingly, so everyone would laugh… Then as time went by I met my husband, we had a beautiful wedding which I paid for. Of course my father was bragging to all my family about how wonderful I was and how proud of me he was, he seemed a changed man!
    Then a year or two later, I was at his home where I was doing a renovation for him in one of the rooms, it was hard work but I was trying to help him as he is now in his 70’s… When all of the sudden I could hear him talking to his long time girlfriend about me in the kitchen. I walked out to hear him say how useless I was, and he regretted even getting me to do this, and that he can’t stand to even be around me. At that moment, I had a complete flash back to my childhood, I confronted him and asked what was he doing? That I could hear everything he was saying, well it turned into a yelling match and him telling me to get out of his house. I in turn told him to NEVER contact me again, that as far as I was concerned he was dead. It’s now been a year, I have had many a restless night and cried many a tear, but I know I have to stop this. He has now reached out to my cousins and Aunt to try and contact me, but they brush him off and tell him to contact me directly if he has something to say. My cousins and Aunt have told me they only ever maintained a relationship with him because of me, that they always knew everything he did to me from my mother…. So now as Christmas passes, my cousin tells me he has contacted her saying that he was worried something terrible had happened to me, and that he won’t contact me because he knows I’ll hang up on him etc. … Why can’t he just leave me alone? I don’t know what he wants from me. I know he never wanted children, that’s why I have no brothers or sisters, I get it that he never liked me and wished I was dead… I’ve made something of myself, and of no help from him, so the questions is why? Why won’t he stop? And to those who have had similar with their fathers, don’t make the mistake that I did, of allowing them back in your life. It just sets you up for more years of pain…. Because a leopards spots really don’t ever change….

  • Brian

    January 5th, 2015 at 3:25 PM

    All of my brothers were emotional abused (my father is an alcoholic narcissist and my late mother was an alcoholic borderline), but I got the brunt of it due to the weird aspects of my birth that singled me out as different. Growing up was hell, both from that and the health complications that came from all of it, compounded with the social troubles of hiding the “family secrets” from every else as my parents kept up the perfect front and made my brothers and I take the fall for any problems instead while they were the heroes.
    Sadly, after I finished college, my mother’s health took a dive right as my father’s drinking caught up with him. Right as I got my acceptance to doctoral work, she got a critical diagnosis and he got his final drunk driving arrest – she needed someone to be a caregiver and he lost his license permanently. With my brothers having given up on them, my morality was such that the only choice I could live with was to give up on my own dreams and move back permanently to my home town. Having spent my childhood in emotional hell, I now had a dying mother blaming me for her illness – her last words were blaming me for her death and charging me to care for my father. He still threatens to kill me whenever he gets drunk, and I still instinctively hide his secret such that everyone thinks he’s the perfect elderly gentleman. At 35, I’ve never dated and will never have a career at his point (taking random grad classes at night as I can afford to pay for them myself, having given up on my doctoral dreams). My brothers offer no support, mocking me as much as anyone – this sort of family system doesn’t engender any love for the scapegoat, after all. Since I never learned to trust anyone, what few friends I’ve had have petered off after one too many cancellations (my own health has gotten worse over the years as well, which doesn’t help).
    It’s funny how childhood trauma never ends when it has to continue this long into adulthood because the abusers need someone to care for them and I refuse to be as evil and heartless as them, even if kills me. I still pray for my mother’s soul each day, no matter what she did to me, and pray for the changes that I know will never occur to my father…

  • anonymous

    January 11th, 2015 at 12:14 PM

    wow I lived thru the same thing. itvis unfair but you must entrust yourself to God, what alternative and let God handle the justice

  • UNIQUE603

    June 4th, 2015 at 8:41 PM

    WOW BRIAN, YOU’RE A BRAVE PERSON.

  • Hurt in pain

    January 21st, 2015 at 5:29 PM

    Hi iam a women in my fiftyies living in Ireland that has beening physically and emotionally abused by my mum. I am looking for group therapy in IRELAND as i need help i have tryed Wove (women of violent experiences) but because it relates to men it did not work for me. I have had another encounter with my mum which resulted in me leaving her i am trying to heal myself but i am so angry with her and dont know what to do. I have made excuses for her in trying to understand why but not any more. I am a single mother that hopefully has broken the circle but to be truthful i am afraid of the teenage years as i do not want to repeat what my mum did to me.PLEASE HELP

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    January 22nd, 2015 at 8:56 AM

    Thank you for your comment, Hurt. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about domestic violence at http://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-domestic-violence.html and additional information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • margie

    February 4th, 2015 at 12:29 PM

    I understand..I was emotionally abused by my sisters boyfriend..then husband at age 8…he was Italian..we were Irish…he made cry to the point I couldnt breath…he laugh a d said my asthma was in my head…it was horrible..my sister would tell him to stop…but he didnt…later years…my sister became judgmental and have always condeming remarks making me feel shame…many years of this..I blame my parents for allowing this behavior on a child…but now I dont speak to them..they never helped me with two sick parents that passed…shouldnt be surprised of no help…and I develop breast cancer…and no help ever…best thing though after mom passed two years ago..I never hear from my sister and her ignorant husband…Im feeling alot better…and I dont miss them..Im actually happy…just upset Im now develop CEM and PSTD..because I did land very abusive men in my life..no surprise…but..now im understanding myself..myvown ways and my attraction to critical people..cause I had it as a child…im changing..im liking myself…people like me..im so busy i dont have enough days in the calendar of all the invites…its a good sign..cause people like happy people…im so glad they are out of my life so i can live in a somewhat normal life.

  • Amy

    February 1st, 2015 at 11:58 AM

    I am a 43 yr old married woman with 3 children.whom I love. My mother had me when she was 18 and would never tell who my father was.She up and left me with my granparents. My step granfather sexually abuised me as a child and he had done the same to her.When my granmother died I had a choice go live with my mother and her newley wed husband or stay with my stepgranfather. I chose her Not long after at the age of 8 my step father beat me senceless for the least little thing. 11 yrs of age is when the sexually abuse started till 17. I told my mother she just ignored it. My husband is controllingdoese not work and does not teach my son anything only verbally abuses him. I cannot get him to leave. I have shut most of my family outta of my life due to the fact I cannot attend any get togethers bc of my stepfather . My sister doesn’t want to know bc it would bring shame on her. And her childern. Please help. I have no hope in life for my children.

  • Joshua 31

    February 2nd, 2015 at 11:20 PM

    Im Joshua age 31 right now, i was physically and emotionally abused by my ill tempered father since in my childhood days, i am a middle child and i have 3 other elder siblings, but our bonds and relationship inside our family is full of hatred, fights, insults, and full of tensions and suffering, our father also suffers great domestic violence and get jailed during his adulthood, there is no peace inside our family and living inside is like hell. I grow up overcoming and carrying fears and anxiety everyday and it feels you cant breathe in your situation, im the one whom my father hated so much, i always end up beating with his leather belt because i was careless and wild in my childhood, i always thoughts of plan to runaway in my home and never return, but my plans always end up failed, i remeber a times how my father labeled me and ignore my self worth and dignity as a child but that situation feels like normal because of the environment you live in, my other neighbors who in his mid 40’s right now suffer from severe nervous breakdown and he is totally trouble, his family members gave him always antidepresssant for her treatment. Back to me I end up not getting my college diploma because i suffer depression and anxiety during my graduation and i visit psychiatrist in the past for my medication on my depression, i also over eat a lot for a food comfort to cover the mask of lonliness and not happy with my life, i also use alcohol, porn to escape my loniliness and desperate life, but i think being a christian and believer of christ i found strenght and understanding that god cares for me and knows that all im going through is just a challenge and obstacles to found another understanding and meaning of other important of life and other me that i ignore and not appreciated in the past, i come up in a knowledge that physical, emotional, spiritual and mental health should go hand in hand in order to succeed in life and that there is hope of healing and transformation if we trust our burden to the lord and do a great efforts to find understanding and knowledge through out the day. The treatment is only in there and it is up for us how to apply it in our life. After i have my relationship with christ i forgive myself and forgave my father even i know that the damage is already done because of abuse and wrong parental skills and knowledge of our parent that models to us. maybe god are sending us his message of love that he really care for us and he loves us, because the devil is only full of hatred,laziness, destruction, unlove and unforgiveness. I think parents nowadays should break the unending cycle of emotional abuse and pray for them to find knowledge and understanding in christ, because the damage that is done not only has a huge effect in there children as they grew up but to themselves as well, what you sow in your children is what you will reap someday, if you sow evil then you will reap evil things in your children someday..sow love in your children so that they may look back to you someday with so many good things and amounts of love, because your children is another humam being made in the likeness of god and you have been intrusted by god to love and care for them. As well as children honor your mother and father and do great things to make them happy.. With so many tensions and hatred in our society today because of lack forgiveness and respect of everyones dignity and freedom.

  • Joshua 31

    February 3rd, 2015 at 1:14 AM

    continuation… Eventhough i did not get my college diploma i still continuing to achieve accomplishments in my life, and its a blessing of disguise because my brother help me and support me to cover up my expenses in renting my apartment and financial needs as im trying to get another job in the city, and i never allow my illnesses and failures in the past to defeat my dreams and ambitions in life, for there is always a hope. As i look back my childhood days and see that child who is me who is always crying every night when my father beats me and do maltreatment, i see that child persevering to get out in that situation and promise to herself that he will persevere and change his life someday. With hardwork and faith in god. And independent is the answer to all of my misery and hopeless life, i thought i can never get out in that situation and remain stock in that environment, i think god has really has plan in our lives and knows how he can heal us from our wounds and suffering in life if we cling to him for he is the true father wo are very comforting and very forgiving and loving. I think my perseverance and will to get out in my situation has really motivates me to achieve goals in life and become a better person, my father pass away lately without my presence in his side, i thought he knows how i forgive him and love him inspite of our conflicts and fights. Because we can only find true peace in our inner beings if we let go our emotional burdens and unforgiving heart. And we can really be succeed if we let go all our emotional baggage inl ife. God bless and may you find also the inspirations in jesus christ.

  • Melissa

    June 24th, 2015 at 9:29 AM

    i read your story and many others stories and my heart breaks. I don’t even know what to say to everyone on here except my heart goes out to the hurting, the injured, the abused. I was very happy to see you found Christ and are trusting in Him to heal your wounds and scars from a dysfunctional childhood. Really, I believe that it is the only way to receive complete healing. My prayer is that others will look to Jesus for healing, too. May God bless you

  • leo

    February 3rd, 2015 at 3:27 PM

    I’m 14 and emotionally neglected by my mom

  • Lejhavani

    February 6th, 2015 at 10:17 AM

    I have been going through heck at home because of my mother. She treats me like crap. She puts me down and more. She favoritism us. She cusses and me and yells at me 24/7. I hate living with her and I just want help to get out. She thinks she is all perfect when she is not. Its heck at home and I hate living there.

  • Stephen

    February 9th, 2015 at 6:37 PM

    I feel like I’m being selfish by posting this when I know there are people with problems far worse than mine, but I wanted to know if anybody could help me. I’m 18 and I’m high-functioning autistic and I have an emotionally abusive brother who is also bipolar and schizoaffective, so I know he also probably has some problems of his own and that I shouldn’t take what he says to heart, but I can’t seem to help it. Luckily, my mom’s a psychologist, so that helps. I would turn to friends for help, but I literally have nobody I consider close enough to call a friend (And trust me, I’m not just being negative, when I say literally I mean it), so instead I’ve decided to trust random people on the internet with my problems (go figure). Also, should I just ignore him and wait until I go to college, or is there some way to deal with it ahead of time.
    P.S.Please refrain from posting anything overly-religious as a solution to my problem, I’m an atheist

  • John

    February 28th, 2015 at 2:58 AM

    Where do I start? I’ve read only a few posts and feel like what I’ve been through is so small compared to others.

    But here goes. I grew up in a house hold that wasn’t loving. My parents were usually fighting. My mother used to threaten to take me to a troubled boys home for doing stupid, small stuff that all kids do. My dad once tossed me across the room for doing poorly on a test. My mother died when I was 13 the day after thanksgiving. My sister and I were the only ones in the house and we found her dead. My dad wasn’t around much after her death, as he had to work harder to make up for the lack of a second income. When he was home, he took more of an interest in my sister than me. He made sure she was okay, but never really asked me how I was. I became withdrawn from the two of them. Years later, I got a girlfriend, who was suffered from borderline personality disorder. She always said things about how stupid, retarded, autistic I am. She once said that she couldn’t wait until she found someone else so she could leave me. I played a part in all of this as I talked to other people behind her back. I never really meant to date any of them, but I hid behind my computer and flirted with them and don’t know why. Me and that girl broke up and I’m with someone new now. The same thing happened. I talked with other people behind her back and don’t know why I did it. I’m also a liar. I lie about all sorts of things for reasons of fear of the consequences from telling the truth, not wanting to disappoint someone, etc. My girlfriend now is saying that she hates me and has taken to calling me stupid and locking me out out our apartment, kicking me out of the car in the middle of a drive.

    Does anyone know why I am the way I am and what’s wrong with me? I’m desperate to find out why I’m so messed up.

  • nice chick

    March 10th, 2015 at 9:29 PM

    Dude! There is absolutely nothing wrong with you!!!! You lie out of fear ….don’t judge yourself. Those females who called you names were wrong for that and I as a woman can understand why you started dating other women( only if you did it because these women became verbally abusive). Just let go of fear and be true to yourself first. Tell yourself the truth before it parts from your lips and practice speaking it out loud. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU….YOUR HUMAN.

  • Taylor

    April 19th, 2015 at 3:12 AM

    You’re not me, and you need to not call me a liar. How would you like it if I called you fat, a cyberbully, or a criminal? You assumed I lied, but I’m not lying, I’m telling the whole truth. I don’t care if you’re a man or a woman, you don’t know what I’ve been through, what I’ve seen, what I’ve experienced, and what I’ve heard. I know I’m human, and so are you. I know it took me a while to respond, but I try to not come back here, as I’m doing what I can to move forward, and I don’t like seeing things that remind me of what I’ve been through that have hurt me. I’ll just ignore you from here on out, say what you want.

  • Taylor

    April 19th, 2015 at 3:18 AM

    Oh okay, nice chick wasn’t talking about me, sorry about that. I read my email wrong. I saw the email start with my name, and assumed the comment was directed at me. Sorry about that, big mistake on my part.

  • Ann

    April 5th, 2015 at 9:58 PM

    You are not to blame. Others are taking their own misery out on you. They are abusive. Would help if you decided to recognize and stay away from people that hurt you and realize you will naturally do the right things when you are surrounded by others who demonstrate love and respect towards you. Lieing and talking behind other’s backs is a symptom of having been mistreated in the past and so you try to avoid more abuse on you, (normal), but will not work. You must speak directly and truthfully to those individuals mistreating you and say they must stop disrespect on you or you will end the relationship with them.

  • Inez A.

    March 16th, 2015 at 4:54 AM

    My father resuscitated may be brought by a taxi driver to Assacaias and there finger-rape me overnight and in the early morning and possibly also with his genital and it could be that he adjusted my digital watch for spring.

  • Goodbadguyxxx

    March 17th, 2015 at 8:34 PM

    Ok so as a child I developed epilepsy that triggered a dual personality disorder in my mother that led to her commiting many sadistic acts against me over the years between the ages of 5 and 18. I was convinced by my grandfather at 7 that it was my duty to look after her and keep quiet about it. Those acts include fed countless attempts to kill me as well as more creative deeds. I’m 35 now and have overcome most of the complexes, phobias, and suppression of memories. However I can’t let go of my unyielding hatred for existence itself and desire for all things to end. It is really a problem in dating, I am simply repulsed by other people. My body is attracted to women, but the act of being near people is akin to being near piles of feces. Any advice?

  • Shamus M

    April 21st, 2015 at 10:46 PM

    I’m 21 going on 22 I have issues trusting people and avoid people I also have low self esteem because when I was growing up a woman by the name of Linda mentally abused me for practically my entire child hood she was my step mom she reminded me on a daily basis that I was a failure she even spread lies about me to friends and strangers to make herself look good every day now I can’t help but hate myself I can’t even move forward in life without thinking that everything is just going to fall apart. I barely leave the house or my room for that matter because I was isolated growing up it was go to school then go to your room. Now starting this year my dad’s divorcing her because she’s abusing him and she plans to take everything through child support because she still has my step sister who was treated way better then I was this led me to some pretty deep depression that almost caused the worst to happen except my actual mom and step dad who I’m currently living with stopped me.

  • Izzy

    September 8th, 2015 at 2:07 AM

    I’m sorry you have been verbally abuse. Everything you were told,is a lie.is excally what she is. Not you.!God created you in his image and He loves you and you are far more importantthan what this abusive monster. Please don’t hate yourself.God make mistakes! Don’t let Satan steal your joy.down load listened to this podcast on your phone off you can it will definitely encourage your soul. Andy Stanly he may help you in your situation. By listening to his messages
    I’m going through verbal abuse my self from my husband who has a terrible mother.but I refuse to let him or anyone still my joy. Good is in control husband. I ask God to protect my heart from the darts of abuse. By searching my bible and believing what my Father in heaven believes in me. I can do all this through God.
    You just have to tell yourself that you are loved and important. And believe.
    I’m keep you prayers.evertime you feel sad or depress. Praying to God and you’ll see how he will give you peace.😇

  • K JO

    May 29th, 2015 at 11:29 AM

    Im 17 and just came here to figure out whats wrong with me, it seems I cant keep a relationship with a guy I always end up breaking their heart in fear. My mother is borderline so she was abbusive with words and her fists then acted like it would be ok if she bought something for me. And me and my step mom are so close but she seems depressed and she is the only one I have that I have an emotional bond with. She looks depressed and she has hardly talked to me, and its just breaking me slowly, I cry myself asleep a night no one knows the pain I go through, I always have my gaurd and mask up. And when I lost my best friend thinking we would be good friends for a long time I was really heartbroken, its like I love the people im friends with but I cant seem to have a relationship as in kissey- kissey. I don’t know whats wrong with me, I like them in the begining, then I end up hating them, idk what to do anymore.

  • Margaret

    August 2nd, 2015 at 3:50 AM

    I have written here a couple of different times (May/2013 and May/2014). I am amazed to see how many people have contributed. I think the sheer volume of entries shows how much survivors of emotional/psychological abuse need to find resources to deal with their trauma. Unfortunately, the severity of the outcomes of this form of abuse are often times not acknowledged and the trauma often goes unidentified and untreated.

    I am not going to go into the abusive experiences again (I briefly went through them in my other entries). However, I will take a risk and share some of how I responded to the abuse. Because the psychological abuse was so extreme (extreme terrorizing and rejection), and I was so young, I was severely dissociating during those times. I was leaving my body. I remember being up by the ceiling and looking up further to this bright light, which I went to next and I labeled it as “h***.” It was not an escape – it was the opposite. I thought that I was having signs that when I died, I was going to go to h*** (how else is a little girl going to explain those experiences). I could go on and on about what the experiences were like in “h***” and my being outside of my body, but I won’t. My point is that psychological abuse does have a very detrimental effect on kids. It can be horrific. Dissociation doesn’t just happen with physical or sexual abuse, but can happen with psychological abuse. In addition, the level of dissociation can actually be more severe with the psychological abuse.

    I think each and every one of us has the ability to make a difference. As survivors, we know the pain all too well. We all have experiences that we can share with professionals and others to spread the word of the seriousness of this often neglected topic. Maybe some of us will create our own blogs. Maybe some can speak our stories with other survivors, professionals or even at conferences. Maybe some of us can write to magazines or even write a book. If we can find a way to use our very painful experiences to help others, and by doing so, find a reason for the pain, it will not only help others but heal us. We have the power to bring attention to this topic, and many of us most likely have the desire to do so because we know the pain of having this form of abuse go unacknowledged and ignored.

    I wish all of you peace.
    apa.org/news/press/releases/2014/10/psychological-abuse.aspx

  • Carrie

    August 4th, 2015 at 4:41 PM

    I stumbled upon this website and read the posts here, I live in the UK where therapy is not readily available so this was very valuable to me. I grew up in the care system here and I was abused both before entering care and whilst in care and suffered emotional sexual and physical abuse from more than one abuser. I have sort therapy within the last couple of years, I’m now 35 but I didn’t find it that helpful as the therapist I saw was more interested in the one remaining familial relationship I have which was not abusive. I have moved through adult life without meaningful relationships at all and like others have indicated here you just try to move from one day to the next, I have had some addiction problems and this feels to me like a compulsion that allows me to not me be for a few minutes, I am severely obese and my eating issues took hold at the height of the sexual abuse and as a child as I got bigger the sexual abuse began to diminish so I feel safe but I know this is wrong. I take ownership for the fact that I can’t progress at this moment in time any further, but when I’m feeling a bit stronger I try to confront the things that hurt and I feel I make a little progress but with regard to forming meaningful relationships I just don’t appear to move further. I worked very hard to establish a relationship in my twenties but once I confided about the abuse I suffered the guy just moved on and I was very sad. Maybe if I’m honest I didn’t want to try to trust anyone again I suspect others may feel this way. I think I coped with a lot of abuse by thinking that it wouldn’t always be this way but as a kid I just couldn’t understand the emotional outcomes of this. I hope everyone here can make progress and just by contributing towards this it helps anyone who reads others contributions. For me I Just hope tomorrow can be a better day.

  • Natalie

    October 7th, 2015 at 9:58 AM

    It never gets better. I tried and tried. Ill be 45 in January and I don’t want to live anymore.
    No friends. No job…messed up marriage…lost a parent 2 years ago….I grew up made fun of because of my weight. I am not fat anymore but I don’t want to get old nor do i want to go through another death of someone close. Most of my youth was painful socially and interpersonally. No dates..no friends…only get one chance to be a beautiful youth and enjoy what that offers but I never got it. ..just grief and mean people.

  • Phinkle

    October 22nd, 2015 at 9:40 PM

    I went to a therapist today with the intention of not going back. I messed my marriage up because of a grandfather that messed with me then rejected me.. I was old enough T to remember but too young to know the whys of rejection. I’ve hit bottom but I’m moving up. My therapist had me sit in a chair. Close my eyes. And we did a body scan meditation Be aware of sitting in your seat- your feet on the floor.. Be aware of your mouth- the inside of your right cheer- then going to the left. Cheek. Feel your eyes. Your head, feeling sensation and being totally aware. We went through the neck, the shoulders, elbows, hands. Feel the hand.

    All the way down body.
    Case in point: You are not your body
    You are awareness
    I was told the emotions that come up- to invite them in.. Name them anger.. See it, pain, see it, self doubt, see it. Invite every emotion in. Detach from your body and look at them… See how they are not your body. Emotions rise and fall as a wave. You are awareness.. You are not self doubt, you are awareness.. Good poem to read- by Rumi. “The Guest House”

  • Phinkle

    October 22nd, 2015 at 9:54 PM

    The precious comments that I left a voice for for everyone of you.. Please read the poem-
    The House guest” by Rumi
    You are awareness- you are not your body..
    I know pain- I know how to disassociate.
    I feel rejection- I feel stupid..
    BUT!!!! STOP!! You are a beautiful awareness… Made in the creation of God
    We attach to thoughts.. We place meaning to our thoughts. Invite these emotions in and treat them gently.. Not harshly… You are awareness… Acknowledge and name your house guest. As if they were a guest. They are not you. You are awareness

  • Car

    October 28th, 2015 at 10:44 AM

    So I grew up around selfish people my whole life, I’ve seen things and done things I’m not proud of, I have never had a girlfriend or someone who just looks at me like I’m a normal person in the workforce, when I was in Kolkata, and other parts of India, I even thought Kolkata was better than my home town. I’d always say to God, “God, if you could just leave this town deserted, I’d like that.” I totally don’t blend in with the culture here, I was frequently bullied by everyone in school growing up, I’m in the constant dregs of being bored here in a suburban neighborhood. I have problems learning new things that I just give to God, and my Dad disagrees with me on how I don’t like living here, then he told me, “For the past eight years I keep hearing you tell me, ‘I don’t like it here’ I’m tired of hearing that!” He always told me to put my feet in his shoes and tells me over and over again how ungrateful I am every time a problem comes up, he used to do that with me when it came to college, and now I’m going back so that way I can leave this depressed town. The truth is that he thought Id be more grateful after I returned from India, but the truth is I actually wanted to live in India because the people were better than the people in my town. Even the people with leprosy had a better heart than the people who live in my town, because everyone in my town was always unforgiving when it comes to me getting a job or work. I’ve been either forced to quit or fired from many jobs and I keep on trying to find a job I can keep.

  • Pookieissad

    November 2nd, 2015 at 10:30 AM

    So I love my family very much. After years of torment we have created a good relationship. This comes mostly from setting firm boundaries on my mother.
    She used to scream at me, throw things, blame everything on me and never my sister. I’ve had a lot of trouble maintaining relationships because I suffer from extreme paranoia… I have to leave I’ve discovered at 25. I have to have a place to escape to and collect myself.
    Lots of people tell me I’m attractive. It makes my life hard Bc people judge me if I simply want to hang out w a guy I consider to be a friend. I’m so lonely but I have made a huge and now successful effort into finding great girlfriends.
    I’ve been molested twice. Once by an older friend of mine who was a girl… Another time by a guy at a daycare- my kids will never go to daycare.
    I think of people as always waiting to pounce on me or find me out. All I want is to chill and have a good time.
    My last relationship was absolutely devastating. The guy I loved him , he turned on me after I was really drunk n embarrassed him Bc we got in a fight.
    All out friends went with him.

    I’m so hurt over it. But I’m keeping going and doing what I can. Going on lots of dates even if they aren’t as fun or as good as with him….

    Relationships have been hard for me for most of my life. I realize now though that it is a 1/2 and 1/2 thing. You can’t keep giving. When someone traps and absuses you you give and give and give…

    Healthy relationships are calm, natural, smooth for the most part, fun. So that is all I let in my life.

    I’ve done all this mostly by myself… I’ve put the effort into fixing relations with my family.

    I want someone amazing now… And to create a beautiful life with them. It’s so hard to wait… But I know one guy who may just be right for me…

  • Joh

    November 9th, 2015 at 10:03 PM

    I am 34 and I recently begun to realize what’s happening to me. I always have a lot of insecurities and trust issues with everyone I come in contact with. I never formed any meaningful relationship with any women, even I know deep inside that I need them in my life but there seems to be a thick invisible wall some where between us.
    when I was reaching the internet regarding childhood trauma, I discovered that what happed to me is extremely abnormal. I have a lot of painful memories growing up. A father who always gets in a fight with my mother almost every single night. Also a mother that hated her life because of her marriage. As a result she takes out her anger on me. I was blamed for everything wrong in her life. she always find a reason to punish me physically and humiliate me. I am still wondering why I was being punished for when I was doing something right. One particular incident still puzzles me and to make the matter worse my parents still lough about it. When I was 6 years old I was given 25 cents to take a public bus to school (in Africa). the city lived in has only one public bus and sometimes it breaks down. When that happens they just lets you go by refunding your money. So I sometimes walk 8 miles to get home. One of my fathers coworker saw me walking and told my father that I was in a bad neighborhood walking . My father got mad at me and the next morning both my father and mother asked me for the money they gave me for the bus and started whipping me. My mother said, use the money I gave you yesterday for today’s transportation. I said I don’t have it any more. ( when you walk 8 miles to come back from you school you are more likely to buy something, like water). If I told the truth, they will really get mad. I was not able to explant to them. Deep In my mined it was a complete injustice even at that age. I could not understand how an adult is not able to understand me. That morning I walked to school and I walked several times throughout the year when the public bus breaks down. I remember when the bus fair went up 5 cents. I was to scared to tell them because I figured they will accuse me of trying to scam them so. I walked ever other day or so to make up the difference.
    The other one was. When I was 13 years old my father bought a video camera because he found out that he can make money part time by being a videographer. He thought me how to use it and I was making money almost ever weekend. I did that for almost four years without any need of being compensated. I was very honest. I was sometimes the one to negotiate and bring them the money. I had a helper who once saved my light from falling from a pickup truck while recording. He asked me one time that he only needs just 10 birr (50 cent) for his work. At that time I new it was the right thing to do but at the same time I did not know how to approach my parents since I have my doubt that they wont be able to understand me. When I asked my mother, she yelled at me. “get out of the house now. How dare you?” and a bunch of other words that i don’t remember. I could not believe it. How could any adult does not see something that is so easy to understand. I replied with a “no” i argued that its the right thing to do. that night my mother accused me of cursing her out and disrespecting her. I was punished that night by my father despite my plea to make him understand. I lived like this for ever. In fact, my parents lost their house to foreclosure here in America ( we moved here in the late 90’s) and they are living with me. I am still supporting them. they know they can’t abuse me like they use to but they are still the same when it comes to understanding my needs. They expect me to stay single and never care for my future. The still don’t know that the reason i stayed single is because of their abuse. it’s painful because I am stuck with them and those memories are not going away. sorry, I felt like talking about it because I never told anyone before and I felt like writing about it .

  • Joh

    November 9th, 2015 at 10:29 PM

    @ Pookieissad
    You are not alone. in fact, I went though similar situation. Yes, alcohol is our worst enemy because when we thing someone is not trusting us as much as we trust them. the alcohol tend to take over emotions and speak for us. That actually happened to me. I put this girl above my needs. she was struggling financial and went trough a divorce. She dad two kids from her previous marriage but I accepted her they way she is. She shared with me her pain and I was very understanding but at the same time I was constantly dealing with my issues. She wanted to be with me but she made everything to move so fast. she started to become impatient but i needed a little bit of time to trust her. One time she purposely canceled her invitation on a holiday . So that night I went to a night club got drunk because i needed to heal my pain. The crazy part was she showed up there with some other dude. I lost it and cursed her out and she was so embarrassed. I was not embarrassed because i was just devastated and did not care what everyone thinks because I felt like no one understand me when I even put their life ahead of mine. Similar to what I experienced as a child. I could not scream or go somewhere , forced to deal with my pain internally. What Alcohol does is crack that shell deep in your heart that if full of anger, frustration, etcc . You are not alone and I as able to deal with situations a lot better when I avoided alcohol all together. I think what I will be doing is share my experience with someone (I know it’s hard) before things go sour. If they feel like they can not put up with you. You know they are not worth your time. it saves you from going further in a relationship and finding out that person does not care or able to understand you. God bless and there is hope of us the first part is to admit and speak with your closest friends.

  • Michael W.

    November 14th, 2015 at 10:44 AM

    I am 15 and my stepmother is emotionally abusive to me

  • Joh

    November 18th, 2015 at 3:40 AM

    Michael. I know how you feel man. you are already making real progress by finding out what’s happing to yo already and speaking up about it . Some of us here dealt with abuse and still trying to figure out what happened to us in our 30’s and 40’s. What I can advise you is that . look at that person and say you are not going to destroy my childhood and won’t you affect my life as I go forward. Some people do not have any clue how their action can have a real impact in peoples life specially in a long run. I suggest letting someone you trust know what’s happening so that your stepmother will be aware of what kind of an impact her action has over you. A lot of people who abuse think their action last moments and you move forward like it never happen in the first place. the emotional scar will last for many years and unfortunaly, for some it is something they have to leave with the rest of their life. You also must know that, this people will deny everything that ever did to you. They make excuses and it feels like talking to a brick wall. Michel you are really lucky and you are able to be aware of what’s going on and already looking for answers. Just stay positive. Don’t let the abuse to affect your social and emotional life. You might struggle with trust issues since the person who should be there for you became an abuser herself. Just realize that your mind is making decision for you without you are being aware. Tell yourself that not everyone is like my step mother.. Some people genuinely care for me so I am not going to push them away. For not just let someone who you trust know so the abusive behavior can stop. If she continues this behavior, tell yourself that, she is not going to hurt you no mater because you are much better and a much stronger person. Do great in school, when you graduate high school, go to college away from the environment you live in. If you stay, the abuse could really affect you. The faster you move away from the situation the better you will feel. I lived with a parent who abused me as a child. As I grew older they wouldn’t let me go and make my own decision in life. They did not care about my emotional wellbeing. did not care if I get married. Wanted me to take care of them. I did not know I was always being punished as a child so that I can serve them later when they get older. I wrote about it in this blog before.

  • Dan

    November 20th, 2015 at 12:27 AM

    I grew up in Africa and I was beaten and neglected during my childhood. I used to wet the bed as a child and that made my dad furious and he beat the hell out of me every chance he got. My siblings turned the other cheek and my mom did nothing to protect me. I lived like this for years, being beaten and neglected constantly and the bed wetting refused to stop no matter my efforts. I was treated like a leper. As I grew up resentment turned to hatred and I basically had no friends and till date struggle to make friends. If someone gets too friendly I wonder why. I am in my 30s now and I lost my job 2 years ago and tried going back to school to get some certifications and that has been a struggle. I dated a girl for a year and a half and sabotaged it this year so she would leave. I find it hard to open up and trust people and make real relationships. My family and I still talk but we are not close. There really is no love between us just tolerance due to sharing the same bloodline. It sucks to feel this way, growing up painful memories of shame, guilt, suicidal thoughts, grief, resentment, hatred, anguish, low self worth and now seeing how those negative feelings affect how you are as an adult. They shape the choices you make in life if you have no one to pull you out of that downward spiral.

  • Anne M

    December 3rd, 2015 at 10:12 PM

    Tell me. After the abovementioned past experiences, Will I ever actually be in a stable relationship? How likely is it? Trying to clarify childhood experiences only opened doors I can’t seem to close

  • Joh

    December 6th, 2015 at 5:11 PM

    Hello Don, Thank you for sharing your experience. I know how you feel man. keep you head high.
    One of the worst part about childhood trauma is its effect on forming relationship later in life. the mistrust, the formation of distance, the misunderstanding, too much emotion or the lack there are some of the worst one’s I can think of. relationship is important for our well being. Through relationships, we see ourselves . where we stand in society and gives life some purpose. Without it, everything in our life slowly crumbles because we quickly realize that we are missing something in our life which is far greater than school, jobs etc. lately what I identified is, we are programmed to please people and give ourselves more than we need to. in another words, we tend to work hard in order to be accepted. if someone like us, we run away because in our mined we think we are not good enough to be loved. Then we delay the relationship till we have something to offer to that person. This is an endless cycle because, when that person pulls away, then we get depressed and stop progressing in life. I have seen a dozen beautiful women pass me by because of this reason. I world so hard in life and it’s kind of depressing seeing someone who does not give a crap about life take this women because those men do not have the self steam problem we have due to the childhood trauma. those people do not feel the need to give anything other than love to their partner in order to be loved and admired.
    1. Dan, the best way to deal with your situation is, to learn (I am also learning) how to form relationships with others. I know it is tough our mined basically makes decisions for us since our mined brings back painful memories when it thinks its becoming vulnerable.
    2. also, we must keep in mined that isolation won’t solve problems . we must associate ourselves with other people so that we can be good at relating. I decided to avoid retreating instead of confronting my problem.
    3. if we can’t battle with depression and anxiety, we must seek professional care. I was prescribed clonazepam once and it helped my anxiety and depression. but it should a last resort. it is always better to go the national route.
    I hope this suggestion helps
    you take care

  • Joh

    December 8th, 2015 at 12:48 AM

    Anne M ,
    I know how you feel. Reading these horror stories makes us feel like our life has been doomed and there is no hope for recoveries. I think this forum is designed to share bad experiences so that we can identify our symptoms and patters of abuse in the hands of our immediate families. For me atlases this forum contributed a lot for my recoveries. First, I felt like I am not alone in this struggle and my questions are legitimate. As you know, many people will not sympathize with you if you open up that you mother was very abusive. That is because in many cultures, punishment is seen as a necessary evil to discipline kids. Also , many will tend to believe that, you are blaming something that happened to you a longtime ago as a scapegoat to your current problems. Secondly, this forum serves us as a wakeup call to identify like I mentioned before, “patterns of abuse”. I have talked to someone who just turned 17 about what’s going on in his household. He felt like he needed a place he can talk to make sure what’s happening is not normal. I am glad he shared his experience because, for many of us it takes years of abuse before we realize something is totally not right, Specially when we go thought multiple breakups, isolations, job losses, and so on.
    What I can tell you is that there Is hope for us. We can have relationships and be successful in what we aspire to do. Recently, I sad down with my parents (they live with me now since they lost their own home due to a lack of self efficient aspirations) told them how I feel about the whole situations. I pay all the bills in my own home and I feel like a guest in my own house, literally. Because they shaped my behavior with abuse so that I can help them in their old ages. After I vented my anger and set up rules and make them feel like they can not continue to abuse me psychologically, I felt much better. For the first time in my life, I felt like a man who can stand up for himself. Of course, they try to really up their friends and relatives against me so I can feel ashamed of myself. But I was too equipped with the right mind set to deal with it. They found out that, I mean business this time but again as all abusive parents they said they do not understand what the problem is. For me I do not really what they understand. I am not looking for apology or anything. I just want to move on with my life without them.
    Again to answer you question, yes we can have great relationships and a great life. Even though we are a little bruised and some of us a lot more does not mean we can’t . However the first step was to figure out our problem, I think this forum proved to be just that for me

  • Stuart L.

    January 17th, 2016 at 10:16 AM

    Throughout my childhood for almost 10 years straight from age of 10-20 I had had nothing but verbal and physical abuse from all other people I saw. There were times that people I have never seen before would just run up punch and slam my head against the wall for no reason. Many times in those days I was thinking of just taking my own life to end it. Ever since those years I have had so much hatred of almost all people in life to where I sometimes have bad thoughts in mind like killing other people. Every few weeks memories of those times come back to mind and very difficult to get them out.

  • GoodTherapy Admin

    GoodTherapy Admin

    January 17th, 2016 at 10:55 AM

    Dear NAME,

    Thank you for your comment, Stuart. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about self harm at http://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-self-harm.html and additional information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Chanel

    January 18th, 2016 at 2:21 AM

    I’ve delt with some issues when I was a child from getting the living sh*t beat out of me from my crack head father to almost getting raped by a family member. It caused a lot of pain and as I got older it made it harder for me to trust ppl and I was kinda like a loner and outcast until sophomore year in highchool but popularity was no good At this age. I wanted to experience what love was and was looking for love in all the wrong places. That lasted a few years till I decided that I wanted to just focus on myself well depression kicked in and in 2 years I gained 115lbs I was really depressed didn’t leave the house for a year didn’t have a job or anything. Finally I said screw this and decided to get a job it boosted up my confidence a lil not much I haven’t lost any weight but I still deal with anxiety and depression I cry most nights it’s hard I was sucidal at a time but my sister helped me threw it she has been my main support. But the past months my anxiety and stress has been really bad and It’s causing me to get anxiety like pains. So I’m trying to calm those down. I don’t judge anybody! everybody has a story. Everybody is going threw something. In hopes It will get better! God bless <3

  • Emily

    March 8th, 2016 at 10:07 PM

    My father left me and my brother when we were very young (I was 3 and he was 4) and never had contact with us after that. He died when I was 8. My mother remarried 3 other times but I never grew close with any of the men. My mom and brother both were in and out of rehab for several years and I had a lot of mental abuse growing up. I knew that my severe anxiety disorder was most likely a cause of all of it but I recently began to see something more. I have always had the urge to be very close to men (of my age) physically, sexually and for protection. Even the smallest things like a man being able to fix something for me is something that will cause me to want to be near him physically. I am married and I can’t find peace in my marriage because I am constantly looking elsewhere for more and more to fill this urge I can’t seem to ever fill. I love my husband so much but what the hell is wrong with me? Everyone I know who is married doesn’t have this issue. I feel like a complete freak of nature.

  • Margaret

    March 11th, 2016 at 6:48 PM

    Emily,
    You are not a freak. You are a normal human being who went through heartbreaking experiences. This longing you feel is a reflection of what you missed growing up. I believe this both from my educational background , but even more so from my personal experience.
    If you look through this bog, you will see that I responded more than once. That is because I believe so strongly in the effects that psychological/emotional abuse has on its victims. In your case, you did not have the father figure that you needed (and wanted to protect you from the psychological abuse). Although our situations are different, I always fantasized as having a “father figure” who would care about me. You don’t refer to your longing as a father figure, but my guess is, that is what it is. Stop punishing yourself for a normal reaction to a traumatic situation. Please love yourself enough to get the help you need to work through this and move forward. God Bless.

  • Alan B.

    April 16th, 2016 at 3:13 PM

    Do not blame yourself for parents relatives or even friends for not seeking help for their own inadequate issues and taking it out on you as a child, don’t be a black sheep, be strong and stand up for your individual human rights, DO NOT BE WEAK DO NOT BE A VICTIM AND DONT LET ANYBODY TAKE AWAY YOUR LIBEETY AND CHILDHOOD, THEY ARE PEOPLE WITH UNRESOLLVED ISSUES THAT DAMAGE CHILDREN OF A VULNERABLE AGE, IVE EVEN BEEN CALLED THE BLACK SHEEP OF THE FAMILY FROM RELATIVES , THE ONLY WAY OUT IS TO BE STRONG IN MIND BODY AND SOUL, MY ABUSIVE FATHER DIED, SINCE THEN I LET NO ONE ILL TREAT ME AS HE DID, NOT EVEN MY MUM. STAND UP FOR YOURSELF. AND YOUR RIGHTS TO BE TREATED WITH RESPECT, SEXUAL PHYSICAL MENTAL EMOTIONAL ISSUES RUNS IN ALL FAMILIES , WHY SHOULD A CHILD CARRY ALL THE BLAME FOR BEING YOUNG AND INNOCENT AND JUST WANTED AND NEEDED , YES THATS RIGHT. LOVE

  • Kris

    April 18th, 2016 at 5:48 PM

    Life is difficult. I was molested,raped from age 3 yrs old till 13 yrs old. The evil step father only got 10years in prison in the 80’s. I have dealt with depression and had 7 suicide attempts throughout my life, which 2 of them I was hospitalized. I had counceling throughout my life. I made sure I choose boyfriends that had good families and weren’t abusive or did drugs. But some were wolf in sheep clothing and I got hurt. I was lucky that I never took up drinking or drugs or became a stripper. I had to take depression medicine and didn’t like feeling weird with drinking or out of control. I mostly stayed by myself as I traveled to different states, as I’m introverted and don’t need friends. I always got sad becuz I just wanted to be normal and be a wife and treated right and have kids & protect them. I was in a relationship about 7 years and had a beautiful baby boy, but he died 2 days after birth from heart problems. I was hurt and so angry at God, why why . Haven’t I had enough difficulties in life & now my son is dead. The relationship ended with that guy as he liked partying than me. So now many years later, I’m 44 yrs old, still in counceling, still on depression medicine, still single. And now I have to go to trial becuz that evil devil has got caught again for molesting young girls again. Duh, the courts should of put him awhile forever. That type of evil will always harms children. So I agreed to help and he is getting life in prision now. Finally after 30 years later the courts put him away forever. I know there are so many more kids he has hurt becuz thst evil doesn’t stop. I’m now on more depression medicine and have flashbacks because all that crap was brought back up. It sucks. But God gave me strength. But my life has been so difficult and all I ever wanted was to find someone who would treat me right and love me. Now I’m too old to have any kids and I don’t date. What gut would want to date a 45 yr old woman who want have sex before marriage. So I’m single forever. I made a religious choose to abstain from intimacy until I’m married. Before I would date and guys just wanted sex with no commitment and I ended up feeling used and hurt and I was too nice. So here I am still depressed single and no one to love me. I feel so cheated in life. When someone has been abused at young age for over a long period, you don’t have the normal growth development of a normal kid, I had to learn things and still learning. I was angry because look at Elizabeth Smart or Oprah who was also raped & abused as a child, they are doing wonderful in life and so successful and etc. That will never be me. I’m angry but sad and just tired of all this. I live day by day just trying to survive.

  • Kris

    April 19th, 2016 at 3:30 AM

    Been in counceling majority of my life from a terrible childhood of getting beat up, raped and of course verbally abused. I realized not all councelors are some and majority lack the knowledge on how to deal with clients that had terrible childhood. I see only experienced ones with a PhD.

  • Frank

    April 20th, 2016 at 7:44 AM

    Me and my brother were both beaten bruised and bloody and treated like garbage when we grew up. We both were sexually asulted by an older cousin. So I can understand how people turn out the way they do. My brother disowned his family and disappeared. He took it harder than me I guess. I think it’s part of you that makes you turn down a dark path when your hurt. He had friends to support him and a close relationship to comfort him yet he turned to drugs, abusing others and continuing the problem. I had nothing on the other hand no friends no relationship or anything. Probably due to the trauma but now I have friends people I care about and a successful job. I do not hide what happened to me either. I have a friendly relationship now with my parents, and I even visit my older cousin in prison. He was also the byproduct of abuse. My parents were the same way too. I found it ironic how people who were hurt decide to hurt others. Wouldn’t it make more sense to make sure nobody else has to go through what you went through.

  • Kris

    April 20th, 2016 at 8:42 PM

    Frank yes I agree. I don’t get how or understand why someone that’s been abused has to abuse others. I would never hurt anyone in my life unless they hurt kids then I would beat the living hell out of anyone that hurts children or dogs. I’m so protective of all my nieces & nephews and any child that I meet. I don’t understand how someone could hurt kids & I don’t believe when others say oh it happened to me so that’s why. REALLY, that’s bs. I would kill myself first before hurting any child. It was sick & demonic & brutal being beaten & raped for a decade, no way in hell would I do that to anyone else. I hope all predators burn in hell, no excuse at all for what they do. None.
    A few people know what I’ve been through & ones I total are blown away because I look so together and young looking for my age after all that evil stuff. I put on great appearance but hurt inside. But that’s just the hand I was dealt.

  • rick m.

    April 22nd, 2016 at 1:32 AM

    i have read all these personal stories put forth by these wounded folks and my heart goes out to all of them. I married a woman in 1978 , who unknown to me had suffered through childhood abuse like so many others here. She did say “that she was an adult child of an (her mother and primary caretaker), and my response was something like “whats for dinner?” Boy , was that a mistake . I should have run for the hills!!After 24 years of marriage we divorced and 2.5 years later i met a wonderful woman that is supportive , loving and pure joy to be around. My first wife and I had 3 sons and all of us were emotionally abused by this 4 ft 11 in 110 pound woman. She was abused by her mother and went on to abuse us . The middle son became an abuser himself . The baby son is a schizzophrenic and the eldist son is severely wounded and places blame on me . I have appoligized , but he has forsaken me .I do bear responsibility for not stopping the abuse , but i was caught up in it too.I did not even realize i was abused till someone gave me Patricia Evens book on verbal abuse … and i said OMG .. that is what this is and i need to stop it now . I am 62 now and very happy and glad that i escaped but am deeply sorry that i had children with this woman who was so wounded and ignorantly unable to stop the circle of abuse . My eldest son (39) will not talk to me , my middle son died of an overdose travelling in Australia ( Jake in the Disney Movie ” Johnny Tsunami”) and my baby boy now 25 is in a mental institution suffering with schizzophrenia. My family turned out to be one screwed up Soup Sandwitch. All families are disfunctional , just a question as to what degree.

  • Kris

    April 22nd, 2016 at 12:00 PM

    Rick M. I am deeply sad and sorry for your children and what they went through. It does saddened me deeply that victims go on to abuse others, I don’t get it. But we all aren’t like that. Some of us have an internal moral compass and gift from God to see and be protective of children and others that can’t speak up. We seek to help others and speak up for others whether we understand it or not. We would put ourselves in harms way to protect any child. And know not to have children unless we are in a healthy relationship and mental healthy ourselves. We are selfless and caring and sometimes to much at times which makes us vulnerable to get mistreated by others. And counceling is a must . I know that a very high percent of children that get molested and abused are introverts and predators seek that out and especially prey upon single mom’s with kids. And verbal abuse is so bad and causes so much scaring and low self esteem. Too much evil in the word. So many people don’t understand empathy and sounds like your ex took out her anger on your children which is so jacked up and sick. All I can say is that u must reach out to your children that are here and work with them and help them. explain that you are sorry that u didn’t protect them, that u would do anything for them. U care and love them, they will eventually hear don’t give up. They are anger and push you away. Just let them know u are able to help them now. Whether u will have a relationship with them now or not, just let them know u are deeply sorry. It will help them in some way. And for your son in heaven, let him know too as I’m sure he is listening & he is with God where their is no more pain, no more hurt, no struggling day by day, he is so loved and at peace and happy with the Lord.

  • Noone

    May 1st, 2016 at 5:53 PM

    Ever since i can remember i have been abused mentally. Physically sexually emotionally and spiritually
    I was treated like crap by my parents a daughter of 9 i was the 2nd youngest by the time i was 16 id seen yelling fighting all my life but it was as if i was the one that tried yo be good but i was stripped of that
    I was sexually being abused by my sister
    As a kid of 2 to about 13
    My relationships with man were all violent and sexually abusive
    Even my husband wanted the me to have sex with other man. Would beat the crap out of me daily
    But al this doesnt compare to the fact i went onto to being an arsehole of a mum to my eldest whom is a wonderful man i was an arsehole of a mum to him and he never did wrong NEVER i was scared i now hate myself everday and deep down i kmow he hates me
    I hate myself i want my son to know but he loves he estranged dad more then me and i dont want to talk bad of his dad but i want him and me to heal help..
    Thanks

  • rick m.

    May 1st, 2016 at 10:19 PM

    Dear Kris,
    Thank you for your kind words and thoughts. I have wondered what enables the abused to stop the circle of abuse for some and continue the abuse for others .My thoughts are that if the primary caretaker ( usually the mother ) is the abuser , the child or children of the primary caretaker will go on to abuse , unless the abused has been able to witness some lasting example of self worth and esteem via a mentor or relative . My ex wife who was abused by her mother ( her sister said this to me), was also a narcisist . I thought the definition of narcisist was the handsome god looking at his reflection in a pond only to fall in love with himself . Not even close to the correct definition from my perspective . To me the correct definition of a narcisist is ” Unhealthy caring of the self to the detriment of others “( Others are the rest of the family that are continually bashed and have to walk on eggshells around the narcisist). These abusers have no personal power ( that was taken away when they were children ), i can only suggest that bullying is the replacement for personal power and it is ugly to behold or be victim . One thing that stuck in my mind during my studies of my relationship with an abuser ( my iddy biddy 4 ft 11 in 120 # wife), was that they are in a completely different reality than you ., as you are just an object or thing to make them feel better after they mess with you. YES , thats it folks … you think its love and it is your fault …And they just want to make themselves feel better by putting you down and indulging themselves with constant blaming .This bit of info shocked me to the core and started me on the journey to escape , but unfortunately i had 3 sons that were raised by a manipulative , narcistic , abuser. And i cannot escape blame myself , as it takes two to continue the dance of a relationship . What about my self esteem ? I think my slow acceptance of emotional abuse was like putting a lobster in a pot of cold water and turning the flame on low.. Thats how you can live with an abuser for 25 years… GRADUALLY . Had i seen it at the beginning i would have run for the hills and never in a life time had children with this woman.

  • pre

    July 5th, 2016 at 1:38 AM

    I am going to be 30 in two months but I feel like I’m turning 60.. reading all these comments ,makes me want to give a big hug everyone. I have been physically, emotiinally and sexually abused. I come from a culture where we live with parents. I was beaten up till my mid twenties. I had a lot of hope before but now I don’t have any.. I am in therapy .my therapist good. But im beyond help. Medications don’t work. I am suicidal. I wonder everyday why do people try to stop others from comitting suicide. Why is suicide considered wrong. ? I drag myself to live each day . I have no idea for what

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    July 5th, 2016 at 4:03 PM

    Hi Pre,
    Thank you so much for leaving a comment on The Good Therapy Blog. We are glad you are working with a therapist you like! We also wanted to provide you with some resources and tips for reaching out. If or when you are in danger of hurting yourself or others, it is very important that you seek help immediately. You can do one of the following:

      Call your local law enforcement agency (911).
      Go to the nearest hospital emergency room.
      Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TTY: 1-800-799-4TTY).

    Please know we are thinking of you and wishing you the very best.
    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • alan b

    July 11th, 2016 at 3:55 AM

    all the abused have the right to better their damaged lives, ESPECIALLY IF THEIR NOT AT FAULT OF WHAT EVER THE ABUSE WHICH MAY CAUSE YOU ALL TO ABUSE OTHER VULNERABLE CHILDREN SO WHERE CAN IT END, NO WHAT I MEAN, GOD GUILD AND CURE THE ABUSED WHO MAY GO ON TO ABUSE ASWELL

  • Nathanael B

    July 15th, 2016 at 1:10 AM

    Eh, seems accurate.
    Grew up being verbally and mentally abused by my father for literally no reason other than he had an insane authority complex and was also two faced. My father was a pastor, ironic really, and he was pretty much the most liked man anywhere he went except home. He was nice, polite, giving, helpful, just a number of things when it wasn’t his family. He was also an AES certified mechanic and would repair cars for dirt cheap, people loved him. While he was wearing that mask he would let every little thing that annoyed him through out the day pile up, every time someone cut him off when he was talking, every time someone didn’t drop everything they were doing that very second to help him when he asked for it, and lord help us if someone said “no” or “why” to him. It just piled up and his way of venting was to come home to his dear ‘ol family and treat them like complete crap.
    As such I now have an extreme trust issue with anyone I come across because I was raised by a two faced sack of shit, which does also include my relationships, I just can’t trust anyone at face value, I don’t believe anyone actually presents themselves truthfully, there’s always a mask that you have to get out of the way first then you can find out who someone really is.

  • Jack

    July 19th, 2016 at 1:06 AM

    I had emotionally abusive parents, especially my mother, who was a crazy psycho bitch who always hated my guts. I’ve had nothing but bad relationships with people my entire life, and have lived like a recluse for the last fifteen years because I don’t like people nor trust ANYone EVER. I have a very high IQ, but am penniless and live a miserable life, and been borderline suicidal for years. Child abuse is the gift that keeps on giving.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    July 19th, 2016 at 10:20 AM

    Hi Jack,
    Thank you for your comment. Please know if you are in crisis, or are in danger of hurting yourself or another person, it is very important you seek immediate assistance. You can do so by visiting your local emergency room, or dialing 911 in the United States. You can also visit this page for further resources that provide immediate help and phone consultation: http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Please know there are people who care, and help is available. We are thinking of you and wishing you the very best! ♥

    Kind regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

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