We Got It All Wrong about Gay Relationships

Research and lived experience challenge stereotypes about gay relationships and make room for individual choices.

You know the stereotypes—gay men aren't interested in long-term, committed relationships. Or they can't sustain them. It's all about sex, the quickies, the one-night stands. But current research tells a very different story. Recent survey data shows that 92% of LGBTQ adults in same-sex relationships report their relationship is going at least fairly well, including 63% who say it is going very well. Nearly 600,000 same-sex couples have married since marriage equality became legal nationwide, and the vast majority say they married for love (93%), companionship (74%), and legal protections (75%), with many reporting that marriage improved their sense of safety and security (83%), life satisfaction (75%), and relationship stability (67%). Another stereotype bites the dust! (Or should, anyway.) It seems that we've been looking at it the wrong way around.

How stereotypes shape expectations

Stereotypes are used to oppress. Research suggests that LGBTQ+ individuals face health disparities linked to societal stigma, discrimination, and denial of their civil and human rights. They are often a reaction to fear. Even the rare complimentary ones—"Those people are very smart!"—are offensive because, just like the negative ones, they make assumptions about large groups of individuals. Both positive and negative stereotypes create expectations and attitudes that affect people's behavior toward the group in question, with stigma involving negative stereotypes and misconceptions surrounding LGBTQ individuals. In the case of gay people, stereotypes about their relationships belittle their humanity and their morals (and thereby justify hate and deprivation of their basic rights). But in reality, it may be a "chicken or the egg" situation of sorts. That is, did the relationship styles create the stereotype or did the social condemnation cause the relationship style?

If one is not allowed to engage in gay relationships because of societal and legal prohibitions, what other recourse is there but to keep them hidden? And if they are hidden from public view, how can anyone know they exist? How easy it is then to proclaim that they do not exist! Historical evidence supports this pattern. During Prohibition and earlier eras, LGBTQ+ individuals often gathered in hidden speakeasies and underground venues, creating communities that remained invisible to mainstream society. Then there are the great numbers of gay men who had to enter into an "acceptable" relationship—marriage to a woman—in order to maintain the illusion of heterosexuality. Society created a situation where this was barely a choice; anyone believed to be gay would have been subject to loss of employment, banishment from religious institutions, ostracization from family and friends, and violence. Sadly, in many places this is still true. The only chance these people had to express their true sexuality was in brief, clandestine encounters. We must ask: if gay had always been an accepted human variation, would those stereotypes have had the chance to form?

Find a Therapist for Relationships

Recognizing internalized stigma

The flip side of this is that when you are gay and grow up hearing lies about your relationships all the time, you may start to buy into them at a subconscious level. Research shows this internalized stigma can significantly impact mental health.

Internalised stigma or internalized homophobia refers to the process of voluntarily accepting social prejudices about the LGBTQ+ population and manifesting feelings of shame, self-doubt and low self-esteem. These do not stem from organic feelings but are a result of having exposed to the same societal views or pressures for so long that it becomes “internalized”. How might you recognize if the views or thoughts you are having represent internalised stigma? Here are some common themes:

• Persistent shame – Feeling a persistent sense that something is fundamentally wrong with you, often without being able to articulate exactly what or why.
• Denial and suppression – Telling yourself attraction is "just a phase," and that you will get over it. Finding yourself mentally pushing same-sex thoughts away, only to have them return more forcefully.
• Distancing from queer identity – Consciously avoiding LGBTQ+ spaces, media, or visibly queer people, even when privately drawn to them, to avoid self-confrontation or association.
• Sabotaging intimacy – Pulling yourself away from same-gender partners when relationships become real or visible, as though closeness with someone of the same gender feels dangerous or undeserved.
• Feeling undeserving of joy – Reaching positive milestones (coming out, a relationship, community) and feeling strangely flat or guilty rather than happy, as though good things aren't meant for you or something you should be guilty for.

What this can sometimes mean for gay couples is that they may have inhibitions towards displaying their love publicly, leading to confusion in relationships on whether their partner truly loves them. One might even push away a loving relationship due to internalised guilt and shame leading to heartbreak and dissatisfaction with their love lives.

The bisexual and transgender communities have the highest rates of mental health concerns within the LGBTQ+ population, with younger members of the LGBTQ+ community struggling the most with mental health concerns of all age groups. It is therefore important for young gay people to really think about whom they are as individuals and what they want for themselves, while being aware of how internalized stigma might show up in day to day experiences. Because today more than ever, there are options. Gay is "out." Gay people from all walks of life are speaking out about their sexual identity, which is reassuring and reflective of more growing acceptance. There are new laws being passed. Though it's worth noting that support has seen some fluctuation in recent years. While support for same-sex marriage dipped slightly to 67% in 2023 from a record high of 69% the year before, it remains significantly higher than it was a decade ago. In fact, for more and more of the public, gay is a nonissue. It is mainstream. But where there are options, one has to think about the choices.

Current research reveals the complexity of modern LGBTQ+ relationships. Studies show that cisgender sexual minority women are more likely than cisgender sexual minority men to engage in monogamous relationships, and the latter are more likely than the former to be in open relationships, with some research suggesting that lesbian women may have a greater adhesion to heteronormative gender roles prescribing monogamy, marriage, and family than do gay men. This diversity in relationship structures reflects the freedom to choose what works best for each individual and couple.

Choosing what you want for yourself

Choice is freedom and that's a great thing. But with choice comes the need for self-examination and responsibility. You can't just be along for the ride. YOU are in the driver's seat now. What do you want for yourself? Do you enjoy the single life? Is marriage what you've always dreamed of? Is it something you want, just not right now? How about parenthood? Do you understand that dating is a process of learning about one another? Do you know what you want out of a relationship and how to have a healthy one? These are all things you need to ask yourself, but may not have been able to realistically consider until recently.

Today's data shows the reality of these expanded opportunities. The largest share of LGBTQ+ adults — 51.1% — report that they are single or have never married, reflecting that young adults are disproportionately likely to identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or something other than heterosexual, compared to 23.7% of all U.S. adults who have never married. Overall, 14.4% of all LGBTQ+ adults are in a cohabiting relationship with a same-sex partner, including 8.0% who are married and 6.4% who are living with a domestic partner.

In the past, other people labeled the relationships of the gay community based on prejudices and discrimination. The gay rights movement has, and continues to, open up doors so that each individual can decide what is meaningful and chart the course of his or her own life. While challenges remain, particularly for LGBTQ+ youth, most LGBTQ+ individuals are incredibly resilient and will thrive in the face of adversity, with the help of supportive families, communities, and peers.

If you're navigating questions about your sexual identity or relationship goals, consider speaking with an LGBTQ+-affirming therapist who can provide support tailored to your unique experiences and needs.

Medical Disclaimer: The information in this article is not intended as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition.

References

Community Marketing and Insights & UCLA Williams Institute. (2024). Perspectives on marriage equality in 2024. Williams Institute. https://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/wp-content/uploads/Perspectives-Marriage-Equality-Jun-2024.pdf

Pew Research Center. (2025). Rising number of U.S. households are headed by married same-sex couples. https://www.pewresearch.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/20/2025/06/ST_2025.6.12_same-sex-couples_report.pdf

Mental Health America. (2025). LGBTQ+ communities and mental health. https://mhanational.org/resources/lgbtq-communities-and-mental-health/

Cannas Aghedu, F., Blais, M., & Séguin, L. J. (2024). Romantic relationship configurations and their correlates among LGBTQ+ persons: A latent class analysis. PLoS One, 19(9), e0309954. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11398688/

Lavietes, M. (2024, March 12). Support for same-sex marriage and LGBTQ protections dipped in 2023, survey shows. NBC News. https://www.nbcnews.com/news/amp/rcna142751

Williams Institute. (2025). Nearly 600,000 same-sex couples have married since Obergefell v. Hodges. https://williamsinstitute.law.ucla.edu/press/ss-marriage-data-media-alert/

Gallup. (2025). Share of married LGBTQ+ Americans down slightly from peak. https://news.gallup.com/poll/691199/share-married-lgbtq-americans-down-slightly-peak.aspx

History Channel. (2025). How gay culture blossomed during the roaring twenties. https://www.history.com/articles/gay-culture-roaring-twenties-prohibition

Arcadia Publishing. (2024). The hidden and heroic history of LGBTQ+ America: From shadows to visibility. https://www.arcadiapublishing.com/blogs/news/the-hidden-and-heroic-history-of-lgbtq-america-from-shadows-to-visibility

Saunders, C. L. (2024). Mental health challenges within the LGBTQ community: A societal imperative. Journal of Family Medicine and Primary Care, 13(9), 3529-3535. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11504819/