Betrayal trauma represents one of the most devastating psychological wounds a person can experience. If you’re reading this, you might be feeling completely shattered, questioning everything you thought you knew about love, trust, and safety. That broken feeling? It’s valid, it’s real, and most importantly, you can heal from it.

Unlike other forms of trauma, betrayal strikes at the very foundation of trust and security in our most important relationships. When someone we depend on for love, safety, or protection violates that trust, it doesn’t just hurt, it can feel like your entire world has collapsed.

Why You Feel So Broken (And Why That’s Normal)

If you’re feeling completely shattered right now, understand this: your reaction is not only normal, it’s evidence of your humanity. You’re not “overreacting” or “being too sensitive.” You’ve experienced something that researchers now recognize as one of the most damaging forms of psychological trauma.

Experiencing this type of trauma can lead to a profound sense of isolation, making it essential to recognize and validate your feelings.

Research published by the American Psychological Association shows that betrayal trauma, defined as trauma perpetrated by someone with whom a victim is close, is strongly associated with a range of negative psychological and physical health outcomes. Studies from the National Institute of Mental Health confirm that people may experience a range of reactions after trauma, with most recovering from symptoms over time, though some may need support.

The Foundation of Trust and Its Destruction

Renowned psychologist Eric Erikson identified trust vs. mistrust as the first critical stage of human development. This foundation determines our ability to form healthy relationships throughout life. When it occurs, it doesn’t just hurt, it shatters what one knows to be true about their partner’s character and makes the relationship unsafe.

The nervous system, designed to help us connect with others, shifts into states of protection instead of connection. This biological response isn’t a choice; it’s how our bodies naturally respond to perceived threats from those we trusted most.

5 Types of Betrayal Trauma Beyond Affairs

While many people associate betrayal trauma exclusively with infidelity, research reveals several distinct forms of relationship betrayal:

1. Conditional Commitment

When a partner declares and shows commitment until someone or something else comes along. These conditions may be amplified if one partner pressures the other into situations like marriage without genuine commitment.

2. Nonsexual Affairs

Emotional relationships that cross boundaries. If you would be uncomfortable watching your partner’s interactions with another person, this may constitute betrayal even without physical intimacy.

3. Systematic Lying

Lies are never helpful, even if told to maintain peace. When partners resort to lying to avoid judgment or conflict, this creates a foundation of deceit that can lead to other forms of betrayal.

4. Emotional Coldness

Deliberately withdrawing emotional support, affection, or communication as a form of punishment or control.

5. Financial

Secret spending, hidden debts, or making major financial decisions without consultation in committed relationships.

Recognizing the Symptoms of Betrayal Trauma

Clinical studies demonstrate that betrayal trauma uniquely predicts symptoms including alexithymia, anxiety, depression, dissociation, and physical health complaints. Common trauma reactions include:

Psychological Symptoms:

• Hypervigilance and increased anxiety
• Depression and emotional numbing
• Re-experiencing the event
• Irritability and mood swings
• Need to control situations and relationships
• Difficulty concentrating or making decisions

Physical Symptoms:

• Sleep disturbances and insomnia
• Digestive issues and appetite changes
• Chronic fatigue or exhaustion
• Headaches and body tension
• Weakened immune system

Relational Symptoms:

• • Difficulty trusting others
  • Fear of vulnerability
  • Social withdrawal or isolation

The impact of betrayal trauma often extends beyond immediate emotions, affecting your ability to connect with others in the long term.

• Questioning your perception of reality
• Diminished self-esteem

Red Flag: If you’re experiencing multiple symptoms that interfere with daily functioning, consider reaching out to a trauma-informed therapist who specializes in betrayal trauma. Find qualified therapists in our directory who understand this unique form of trauma.

The Science Behind Betrayal Trauma

Dennis Ortman, Ph.D., in his book “Transcending Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder,” explains that these symptoms are normal reactions to an extraordinary event, discovering a partner’s lies and betrayal. The word trauma literally means “wound,” and the betrayed partner has been wounded to the core of their being.

Recent research published in psychological journals shows that high betrayal traumas (those involving close relationships) contribute most significantly to symptoms of depression, dissociation, and PTSD compared to other forms of trauma. According to trauma-informed therapy approaches, over 70% of individuals experience a traumatic event at least once in their lifetime.

Why Betrayal Trauma Is Different

What makes betrayal trauma unique is the violation of an attachment bond. When someone we depend on for safety becomes the source of danger, our brains struggle to process this contradiction. This can lead to:

• Betrayal blindness: Unconsciously blocking awareness of betrayal to maintain necessary relationships
• Cognitive dissonance: Difficulty reconciling loving feelings with betrayal reality
• Attachment disruption: Challenges forming secure relationships in the future

7 Evidence-Based Steps for Healing from Betrayal Trauma

Recovery from this trauma is possible, but it requires time, patience, and often professional support. Here’s a comprehensive approach to healing:

1. Allow Yourself Time to Process

Betrayal in relationships is often minimized in our society, we’re told to “just move on.” You deserve time to heal. Your heart will take time to recover, but being gentle with yourself will guide it in the right direction of healing.

2. Establish Safety and Stability

Research on trauma recovery emphasizes that building safety and having supportive people is crucial, especially when intrusive thoughts occur. This includes:

• Creating physical safety in your environment
• Establishing emotional boundaries
• Building a support network of trusted individuals

3. Seek Professional Support

Working with a trauma-informed therapist who understands betrayal trauma can be transformative. Emotion-focused therapy (EFT) has shown particular effectiveness for complex trauma survivors, helping clients build emotional regulation skills.

4. Practice Self-Compassion

You can draw on the strength that has served you throughout your life to be gentle and compassionate with yourself. Take as much time as you need to think about you, and only you, and what will best aid in your healing journey.

5. Process the Experience

When you feel ready and have adequate support, begin processing the betrayal with a qualified professional. This isn’t about forgetting, it’s about resolving the emotional charge the experience holds.

6. Rebuild Your Sense of Self

Betrayal trauma often leaves people questioning their identity and worth. Recovery involves reconnecting with your values, strengths, and authentic self.

7. Decide on Relationship Future

Mixed feelings are normal. Therapy can help sort through emotions and determine whether to work toward healing the relationship or move forward separately.

Healing CTA: Remember, healing is possible. Whether you choose to rebuild your relationship or create a new path forward, professional support can guide you through this process. Connect with trauma specialists who understand your unique journey.

Building Healthy Relationships After Betrayal

Research shows that positive relationships are crucial for trauma recovery, as healing happens largely in relationship with others. Recovery involves:

• Learning to trust your instincts again
• Setting healthy boundaries
• Developing secure attachment patterns
• Practicing vulnerability in safe relationships

The Role of Therapy in Recovery

Different therapeutic approaches can support betrayal trauma recovery:

• Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): Helps identify and change negative thought patterns
• Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR): Processes traumatic memories
• Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT): Builds emotional regulation skills
• Trauma-Informed Therapy: Addresses the unique aspects of betrayal trauma

FAQ: Common Questions About Betrayal Trauma

How long does it take to heal from betrayal trauma?

Healing timelines vary significantly. Some people see improvement within months, while others may need years of support. Research indicates that reaching the survivor stage can take months or years, and the process isn’t linear. Progress often involves taking one step forward and sometimes two steps back.

Can a relationship survive betrayal trauma?

Yes, relationships can survive betrayal trauma, but it requires commitment from both partners and professional support. The betraying partner must take full responsibility, demonstrate genuine remorse, and commit to rebuilding trust through consistent actions over time.

What’s the difference between betrayal trauma and other types of trauma?

Studies show that betrayal trauma uniquely impacts physical and mental health compared to other trauma types. The key difference is that betrayal trauma involves violation of trust by someone the victim depends on for safety or support.

Is betrayal trauma recognized by mental health professionals?

While not a specific diagnosis in the DSM-5, betrayal trauma is widely recognized by trauma specialists and researchers. It’s studied extensively by psychologists and has strong empirical support in mental health literature.

How do I know if I need professional help for betrayal trauma?

Consider professional support if you experience persistent symptoms that interfere with daily functioning, such as sleep problems, difficulty concentrating, depression, anxiety, or inability to function in relationships or work.

Moving Forward: Your Journey to Healing

Even if at times it may feel like you won’t be able to move past this, you are able to heal. Being compassionate with yourself is the first step. You can take as much time as you need to focus on your healing journey.

Healing from betrayal trauma is not about returning to who you were before, it’s about integrating the experience and moving forward with wisdom, strength, and renewed self-compassion. Whether you choose to rebuild your current relationship or create new connections, the skills you develop in recovery will serve you throughout your life.

Remember: Healing is possible, and being compassionate with yourself is the first step.

Professional Support and Resources

If you’re struggling with betrayal trauma, know that support is available. Professional therapists trained in trauma recovery can provide the guidance and tools necessary for healing. Remember, seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

Additional Resources:

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
• Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741
• National Institute of Mental Health – Coping with Traumatic Events
• HelpGuide.org – Emotional and Psychological Trauma

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I grew up in a dysfunctional family. I know every family is a little dysfunctional, but my parents were a special case. They were always trying to catch each other cheating. Back before cell phones were a thing, Dad would sneak down into the basement and listen on our house’s landline. Mom would hide a camera in Dad’s office. It was like a bad spy movie.

As an only child, getting caught up in their spy war was inevitable. When I started doing normal teen stuff like sneaking a boy into my room, my parents would magically “know,” even if they were fast asleep at the time. They would parrot back private stuff I said to my friends over the phone, then laugh when I freaked out. After years of gaslighting, I seriously thought I was losing my mind.

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I know now that my parents were the messed-up ones, not me. But I still have all the habits I learned as a kid. I don’t talk about anything that could be used against me. I have a phone, but I’m leery about using it unless it’s an emergency.

I know this kind of paranoia isn’t healthy. I want to change. Coworkers and friends have told me to see a therapist, but telling somebody my darkest secrets sounds like my worst nightmare. The only reason I’m emailing you is because I know this is anonymous (and because I’m using my throwaway email).

I know deep down that most therapists would not blackmail me. But when I think about contacting one, I freak out and start thinking, “What if this is a bad one? What if they have hidden cameras in their office?”

Trust isn’t a switch I can just turn on. I have barely any faith in my own memory some days, much less in a person I don’t know. Is there a way I can get help without throwing myself into a panic attack? —Cautiously Pessimistic

Dear Cautious,

I am so deeply appreciative that you took the risk to write in with this question and share so much of yourself. Even with the anonymity and “throwaway email,” I imagine sharing the details of your life is quite unsettling for you.

Human beings are remarkably adaptable. When children grow up in unhealthy environments, they typically adapt to those environments by developing various ways of being. These include behaviors, emotional regulation, communication styles, and relational approaches. While these ways of being help children survive the unhealthy environments they’re in, they become problematic outside of said environment. As children move on to adolescence and eventually adulthood, these ways of being either lead them to find other unhealthy environments or they find that in healthier environments, their ways of being create discord.

It sounds like this is where you find yourself now. You learned not to trust, not to share, and to be cautious about what, where, and how you communicated. The good news is it sounds like you have found some healthier environments; you mention friends and coworkers who care enough about you to suggest getting help. Unfortunately, I imagine you are finding that the ways of being you developed as child are now getting in the way. Therapy is, of course, an excellent forum for dealing with this. But because not trusting and not sharing were central to your adaptation, it is terrifying to think about trusting a therapist enough to share your “darkest secrets.”

Give yourself some time to develop a sense of trust in your therapist before you disclose anything that feels too private. Also, as you move through the process, don’t be afraid to continue talking about any feeling you might have around trust between you and your therapist.

The question then becomes, how can you engage in the therapeutic process when trust is so difficult? First, I would suggest you look around at local therapists’ profiles and websites. Read a little about them and see if there are some you feel drawn to. Ask some of the friends and coworkers who have suggested therapy to you if they know of any therapists they would feel confident recommending. Once you gather a list of potential therapists, call them and spend a few minutes speaking to each. Then you can schedule appointments with a few you feel comfortable with and from those initial sessions decide who you’d like to work with.

Once you select a therapist, rather than diving right into the meat of the work, take some time to allow the therapeutic relationship to be established. You raise the question of how you can “get help without throwing (yourself) into a panic attack.” Perhaps you could begin your work by talking about the anxiety you feel about starting therapy and the fears you have about trusting a therapist. Maybe you could even work on learning some techniques to help you manage your anxiety. Give yourself some time to develop a sense of trust in your therapist before you disclose anything that feels too private. Also, as you move through the process, don’t be afraid to continue talking about any feeling you might have around trust between you and your therapist.

Finally, I just want to say that I applaud you for pushing beyond your comfort zone to consider getting help. Understandably, you have some deep-seated trust issues. And while that makes the process of seeking out and engaging in therapy challenging, it will be well worth it if you walk away from the process with a sense of healing and the ability to enrich your life with strong, trusting relationships. You deserve that.

Best wishes,

Sarah Noel, MS, LMHC

Affair discovery can be deeply traumatic, with varying responses across individuals and relationships. Many people who have not experienced infidelity do not understand how earth-shattering discovery can be. Research confirms that betrayal is experienced as a shocking and destabilizing event, with betrayed partners showing symptoms similar to trauma responses, including elevated anxiety, hyperarousal, intrusive flashbacks, and emotional dissociation.

Key Insight: Nathanael Schlect, Licensed Associate Counselor “Some partners experience intense trauma-like symptoms, while others move through shock, grief, and anger in different ways.”

For the partner involved in the affair, their private fantasy world is shattered. Once the secret is out, there can be extensive consequences. It may spread beyond the confines of the primary relationship to family, friends, coworkers, even strangers. For the betrayed partner, discovery may call every belief they had about themselves, their partner, and their relationship into question. Both partners experience a shift that changes the world they thought they knew.

As the involved partner, there are several things to consider if you wish to heal after discovery. One of the most important elements of recovery is honesty. But how to release the truth without destroying hopes of reconciliation?

Find a Therapist

If you do not give the truth, your partner will create it.

In my practice, I see couples in every stage of infidelity recovery. The crisis stage usually follows discovery. I call it the “data gathering” stage. In this stage, hurt partners tend to be haunted by the affair. They may think about it from the moment they wake to the moment they go to sleep. Many cannot find peace even in their dreams. Some wake in the middle of the night with anxiety, anger, and sadness.

Asking, begging, or demanding the truth is often an attempt to ground themselves. It’s a way to find reality again. Research shows that 60-75% of couples stay together after discovering an affair, and those who work through the trauma together often emerge with stronger relationships.

Betrayed partners may have active and vivid imaginations. If they do not have the answers they seek, they will create them. Hearing the truth, even when hurtful, allows them to release worst-case scenarios. Think the truth is bad? They likely imagine much worse. The truth will hurt, but it will probably be less hurtful than their assumptions and thoughts about what happened. Releasing the truth provides the cognitive space to rebuild trust over time.

A couple wishing to recover from infidelity does well when they agree to work through the trauma to build a new, stronger relationship. Part of the rebuilding process involves destruction of beliefs and falsehoods that plagued the relationship in the past. Many betrayed partners will ask the same questions again and again and (perhaps unconsciously) compare responses. Each confirmed truth is a brick in rebuilding trust and goodwill. It serves offending partners well to see these questions as a sign that the betrayed partner is invested in healing.

Offer answers before they ask.

Unfortunately, many involved partners adopt the belief that answering only the questions that are asked minimizes the damage. This idea may make recovery more difficult as it sends a message that the involved partner is holding back. Recovery tends to be more effective when the truth is released in a stream rather than in a trickle. This pattern of gradual disclosure—known as “trickle truth”—is one of the most damaging dynamics in the affair recovery process. Free-flowing truth, even when painful, will (eventually) help to rebuild trust.

The truth must come out, and the sooner the better, though timing of disclosure may need to be paced to emotional readiness and safety. Involved partners may do themselves and their partner more harm as they release truths in small doses. New information disclosed gradually not only retraumatizes the betrayed spouse, but inadvertently restarts the clock of both personal and marital recovery. The betrayed spouse is forced to process new information which creates a devastating restart to the recovery process where all momentum and forward progress disintegrates.

Key Insight: Nathanael Schlect, Licensed Associate Counselor “Full honesty is essential for recovery, but many couples benefit from sharing difficult information in a structured, supported way.”

Some couples find it helps to set aside a predetermined amount of time to answer questions. This allows both partners to prepare. The involved partner can help the recovery process by initiating. When asking questions, the hurt partner may be less likely to be overcome with the buildup of anger.

Revealing the truth early may mitigate the deeply painful stories the hurt partner creates in their mind. The truth must come out, and the sooner the better. Involved partners may do themselves and their partner more harm as they release truths in small doses. Many hurt partners increase their investigation efforts when they sense information is being withheld. The truth is necessary to heal, or at least most of it. I caution involved partners to be mindful about vivid details of sexual experiences, as those can do more damage if the hurt partner hasn’t asked for them.

Avoid being defensive.

If a hurt partner wants to stay in the relationship, they want to rebuild trust. Many involved partners find this difficult to believe when the hurt partner acts out of anger or other emotions. The hurt partner does not want to be hurt. They want to believe in love, their relationship, and their partner. When they experience lapses of emotional control, it is important to remember they want to heal even when it seems otherwise. An angry or defensive response to a hurt partner may make recovery more difficult. This does not mean an involved partner should accept abuse; no one deserves to be abused. An involved partner who is able to see through the surface anger to the real hurt underneath can express the empathy needed to recover.

Defensiveness, counterattack, avoidance, or blame send a message to hurt partners that the relationship is still in danger. It tells them the involved partner isn’t committed to working toward resolution. These messages damage the chances of recovery. A hurt partner may behave in ways even they cannot believe. Allowing them grace as they work through this trauma assists in laying the groundwork for a successful recovery.

For betrayed partners, the general rule of thumb is that healing will take approximately one to two years, with eighteen months being the middle ground. The recovery process involves several phases, from initial crisis and emotional instability to understanding, rebuilding, and finally forgiveness and moving forward.

Honesty is paramount for healing in the wake of an affair. The simplicity of honesty does not make being honest any easier, however. Being honest may seem counterintuitive; why would you want to add fuel to a raging fire of hurt? The answer: to show the goal is to restore trust and heal. Yes, revealing the truth can be painful. It may seem sadistic to reveal things you worked so hard to protect your partner from. But your relationship may depend on it.

For help with affair recovery, contact a licensed therapist.

References:

1. Abrahamson, I., Hussain, R., Khan, A., & Schofield, M. J. (2020). Is romantic partner betrayal a form of traumatic experience? A qualitative study. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 76(7), 1264-1279. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32533575/
2. Cardenas, V. (2025). Gaslighting and trickle truths: Unraveling deception in betrayal. Medium: Understanding Ear: Betrayal and Beyond. https://medium.com/understanding-ear-betrayal-and-beyond/gaslighting-and-trickle-truths-unraveling-deception-in-betrayal-73dcd10eb6d2
3. Dashnaw, D. (2024). What percentage of marriages survive infidelity? Daniel Dashnaw Couples Therapy. https://danieldashnawcouplestherapy.com/blog/what-percentage-of-marriages-survive-infidelity
4. Giacobbi, G. (2025). Unpacking trust repair in couples: A systematic literature review. Journal of Family Therapy, 47(1), 45-68. https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/1467-6427.12483
5. Infidelity Healing. (2025). Truth in pieces feels like a lie. Affair Healing. https://www.affairhealing.com/articles/trickle-truth
6. Lahav, Y., Avidor, S., Gafter, L., & Lotan, A. (2025). A double betrayal: The implications of institutional betrayal for trauma-related symptoms in intimate partner violence survivors. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/39964421/
7. Nickerson, K., et al. (2023). The truth about affairs and cheating: Research and statistics. Dr. Kathy Nickerson. https://drkathynickerson.com/blogs/relationship/the-truth-about-affairs-and-cheating-your-top-20-questions-answered-with-research-and-statistics
8. Reynolds, R. (2025). How does trickle truth affect my recovery timeline? Affair Recovery. https://www.affairrecovery.com/groups/qa-how-does-trickle-truth-affect-my-recovery-timeline
9. South Denver Therapy. (2025). Infidelity statistics 2026: Cheating rates, affairs & research data. https://www.southdenvertherapy.com/blog/infidelity-statistics-2026
10. Zola, S. (2025). Formal disclosure vs. trickle truths. Susan Zola. https://susanzola.com/formal-disclosure-vs-trickle-truths/

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I cheated on my girlfriend. Yes, I’m a cheater and I’ll never live it down. I don’t deserve forgiveness. I don’t deserve her, period! I made the biggest mistake of my life and now I’m on the verge of losing the only person in this world that I can’t live without.

The backstory is that I got too close to a coworker and let my worst instincts get the best of me. We were together 10 or 12 times and I kept rationalizing it somehow in my head. Like, I knew it wasn’t going to be a long-term thing, but I selfishly wanted “strange” sex before the prospect of no longer having it disappeared forever. There was also a time when my girlfriend made out with a guy in a bar. I know that’s not on the same level as what I did—not even close. I just think it was part of my stupid rationalization. I feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself.

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I ended things with the other girl the same day I was caught, but obviously my girlfriend doesn’t trust me now. I don’t really blame her. She says she doesn’t think she can ever trust me again. I have offered to give her all my passwords and go to counseling, whatever it takes, but she says she’s not sure it would matter. Knowing I broke her heart is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to know.

She is taking some time to think about things, and she doesn’t want me to call or text her until she figures out what she wants to do. I am giving her the space she asked for. I am just hoping that when we talk again I can reassure her that I can be trusted. I want to make things right. I know I would never make a mistake like that again, but fixing her trust issues feels impossible. Help! I’ll do anything. —Astray

Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist

Dear Astray,

Thank you for writing. I’m not here to judge. Besides, judgment befogs understanding.

I feel your remorse. This does not mean I want to downplay the harm your behavior has caused to all three parties, including yourself and, presumably, your coworker. Sometimes such actions are indicative of a deeper issue that is not resolved by altering the offending behavior.

I urge you to focus on yourself during this “trial” time needed by your girlfriend. (I would take it as a good sign, by the way, she did not end it outright. The two of you must have built a strong connection prior to your affair.)

You can’t make her trust you again. It may sound counterintuitive, but the best thing you can do for her is to come to a rigorously honest (and empathic) understanding of yourself and what might have motivated this. You might consider couples counseling—or, if she is not willing, individual counseling in the name of compassionate but unyielding self-reflection. Here is an opportunity for a reckoning that could greatly benefit you and your relationship, assuming it survives. Even if it doesn’t, it would benefit your next one.

There is a stark up/down contrast in your descriptions of your girlfriend versus sex with your coworker, which might reflect a good/bad way of perceiving yourself. To hear you tell it, your girlfriend sounds almost unassailably perfect or wholesome (“up”), while your desire for sex with the coworker is “strange” or almost seedy-sounding (“down”). This is a bit of a catch-22 in that you appear to judge something that also remains desirable, that you have misgivings about letting go of “forever.”

You can’t make her trust you again. It may sound counterintuitive, but the best thing you can do for her is to come to a rigorously honest (and empathic) understanding of yourself and what might have motivated this.

You might be surprised at the relatively simple human desires that become camouflaged in sexuality, which itself becomes a way of attaching to a desired other. Perhaps sex with your coworker was a way of soothing whichever vulnerable part of you felt “less than.” Perhaps sharing your vulnerability with your girlfriend felt too risky. (This is all speculation, mind you. I’m just reflecting on examples I have come across over the years.)

You also describe yourself as the lowest of the low, which indicates a struggle for self-esteem or perhaps some self-loathing that was likely present (perhaps unconsciously) before all this started. The behavior confirms what lies dormant. It is as if some part of you were saying, “Go ahead and mess around with your coworker. You don’t deserve your girlfriend anyway. You’re only going to lose her once she discovers the ‘real you,’ so why not?” I imagine this all fed into your rationalizing.

Or, quite possibly, there was a rebellion against feeling less than (“no woman will tell me what I can or can’t do!”)—an assertion of sorts of your freedom before giving up something “forever.” Maybe there was a combination of these two (or more) threads running through this sexual detour.

As for “fixing” your girlfriend’s trust issues, decisive action on your part would go a long way toward showing her you mean business: a genuine effort to understand not just that your behavior was painful, but that something else was “off”—and owning it, examining it, and working on it. Nothing is more courageous than facing one’s own psychological struggles. It never ceases to amaze me how many are simply too afraid or unwilling to do this. Many would rather just “change the channel” or “swipe left” and forget it.

Showing her that you want to use this crisis as an opportunity to better understand yourself, which can only broaden your relational and sexual options in the long run, might show her you intend to grow from this. You might even start to see her as an equal, as opposed to her holding a standard you can never reach (which might create unconscious stress, resentment, self-criticism, and so on).

The worst thing you can do is try to shove all this back in the closet and quickly move on. Doing so practically ensures it will happen again in some other form. I can assure you there is nothing innately “bad” about what is behind this. You may discover, with help and diligence, that what lies behind it all is something stunningly human.

In the meantime, be patient and accepting of what your girlfriend needs. Talk is indeed cheap. Show her you will do what it takes to make this right. If you’re going to earn back her trust, it will start with respecting her needs during this difficult time. If you use the space to work on yourself, you will be better prepared to provide what she needs in the future.

Best wishes,

Darren Haber, PsyD, MFT

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I’m an ugly guy. I used to look okay, but I got a bad injury when I was 11. The surgeon did his best, but … there’s a reason I don’t leave my house much. Every time I go out, people stare. That’s why the internet has been a haven for me. Nobody knows what I look like because I use a stock photo for my profile pictures.

As you can guess, finding love hasn’t been easy for me. I’ve tried every dating app under the sun and I never get any responses. I know everybody says the inside is what counts, but women see my face and run before I can get a word out. I can’t really blame them, but it’s still frustrating. I’ve been so lonely, you have no idea.

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But five months ago I found the most amazing girl. We met on a film forum and started geeking out about Quentin Tarantino. The more I talked with this girl, the more I liked her. So when she started flirting with me, it was a dream come true. She’s the first girl who has EVER been interested in me. I couldn’t help but flirt back.

We’ve been in a relationship for five months now. She’s asked to meet a few times (we both live near Chicago), but I’ve been putting it off. My girlfriend got a little mad last time and jokingly asked if I was catfishing her. And it hit me: She was right. I am a catfish.

I didn’t post the fake profile picture to lure anyone in, though. I only wanted people to see the real me, which is basically the opposite of catfishing, right? And I’ve been honest with my girlfriend about everything else. But … ever since that talk, I’ve felt so guilty. I know I should tell my girlfriend the truth, but I don’t want to lose her. The one time I tried to bring it up, I panicked and backed out at the last minute.

What should I do? Should I meet up and listen to whatever my girlfriend has to say? Or will we both hurt less if I break up with her from behind the screen? —Accidental Catfisher

Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist

Dear Accidental Catfisher,

I feel for you. Dating in person is rough enough, but virtual dating adds some notable complications. Knowing who and what you can trust online is a challenge, and the potential for catfishing—defined by Merriam-Webster as setting up a “false personal profile on a social networking site for fraudulent or deceptive purposes”—is one reason that’s so.

You write that you “didn’t post the fake profile picture to lure anyone in,” that you only wanted people to see the “real” you. By that, I assume you mean you wanted people to form their perceptions of you based on your expressions rather than your appearance. That’s understandable. I wonder if, had you revealed early on that your profile photo is an avatar, your love interest would have also understood. Now that things are progressing toward a possible face-to-face meeting, you say you don’t know how to resolve this situation.

Speaking of understandable, your fear of rejection and loss is easy to relate to, as is your panic in the moment with so much at stake. I hear how important this relationship is to you. Relationships call for courage and openness. Writing your letter is both courageous and open of you, which bodes well for your ability to be candid with the people in your life.

I’m not here to tell you what to do. I am here to try to help you understand what your feelings are telling you. For example, the guilt you say you feel may be trying to steer you toward a corrective action—in this case, perhaps fessing up, apologizing, and asking for forgiveness.

You say this is the first time a girl has been interested in you. Relationships are built on authenticity and compassion. Is losing a person who doesn’t value those things above all else really a loss?

I imagine you have placed yourself in her shoes and have considered how you might feel to be told she hadn’t been forthcoming about her appearance. Would that be a problem for you? Would it have been less of a problem early on as opposed to now? Would it be more of a problem to find out in person as opposed to now, over the internet? These are all questions I would want to explore with you in therapy as we thought about how you might proceed.

I would also want to explore some of the self-image concerns I’m hearing, as those concerns may be at the root of everything else that’s going on. You describe yourself with more than a hint of shame, despair, and some longing as well. It’s unfortunate that some of your experiences—being stared at and so on—have reinforced these self-perceptions.

But there’s also clearly a lot to like, based on the fact you have attracted someone special. Those likable things are winning, desirable qualities no matter what. Are they mostly in hiding too? If you feel confident and loving about what’s under the surface, often the surface-level stuff takes care of itself.

You say this is the first time a girl has been interested in you. Relationships are built on authenticity and compassion. Is losing a person who doesn’t value those things above all else really a loss?

So here we are. What’s next? You can disappear and “ghost” her, break up behind the screen, fess up before you meet, or come clean in person. Only you know what is right. Whatever you decide, I recommend that you work with a therapist who will help you face up to yourself and then to others.

I hear that you are reluctant to be “seen.” It’s ultimately what we all want—to be accepted and loved, warts and all. I hope you can offer yourself and your friend some compassion and take the steps necessary to live an authentic life you can feel good about.

Take care,

Lynn Somerstein, PhD, NCPsyA, C-IAYT

Therapists used to reserve the term “trauma” to describe events like war, rape, and life-threatening experiences. We now recognize that people can have similar responses to relational traumas. When one partner engages in behaviors such as infidelity or addictive behaviors, leaving their partner feeling betrayed and abandoned, the hurt partner can experience trauma-related symptoms. They may experience shame, worthlessness, withdrawal, paranoia, obsessive thoughts about the betrayal, and thoughts of self-harm.

I find that often, couples minimize, dismiss, or misinterpret these symptoms, making healing and reconnection difficult. The hurt partner may wonder, “Are you doing this to me again?” This fear can turn into an array of behaviors: accusations, interrogations, questions, and looking into their partner’s emails, phones, and computers for evidence of deceitful or hurtful behavior. They may even conclude “I can never trust you again” or “You are incapable of changing” when they feel overwhelmed.

For the offending partner, this can be a defeating experience. Maybe they truly have ended the hurtful behavior. Maybe they are working on an effective recovery and have achieved a significant period of sobriety. Maybe they have ended an affair and fessed up to their deceit.

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Even with all of this, their partner may be vigilant and untrusting. The offending partner may get frustrated when the other continues to bring up old hurts or dig for evidence of expected poor behavior. Frustration can turn to anger and resentment: “My partner will never trust me again.” “Why can’t they just move on?”

When I find couples in this distressing cycle, I start to inquire about the presence of unresolved trauma—a force that, when unacknowledged, can pit partners against each other and make healing difficult.

Reliving the Pain

Let me illustrate with a hypothetical example. Jenny and Stan came to couples therapy to heal from the hurts of his addictive behaviors. Stan had been in recovery for almost a year, diligently working his recovery program and making significant progress. They felt hopeful about their healing as a couple and at times have felt closer than they ever did before his addictive behaviors escalated.

When I find couples in this distressing cycle, I start to inquire about the presence of unresolved trauma—a force that, when unacknowledged, can pit partners against each other and make healing difficult.

Therefore, they were both surprised when what seemed like a small event turned into a standoff that reminded them of the chaotic days when Stan was active in his addiction. They explained how Stan got stuck in a meeting, forgot to call Jenny, and came home two hours later than expected. Jenny described how, when Stan apologized and gave his excuses for why he was so late, that moment felt like the moments in the past when he would lie to her to cover up his addictive behaviors. She felt the same feelings of betrayal, abandonment, and uncertainty.

Stan was upset, too. He described how overwhelmed and angry he felt seeing Jenny’s reaction. Even though he was truthful in his reasons for being late, he was facing those same harsh responses from Jenny. She was accusatory and untrusting, despite all his progress. In our session, they both reported feeling they were “back to square one” and “could not be together if it was going to be like this.”

Recognizing the Trauma Response

When couples recognize the trauma response that was triggered, they can start to respond to those moments in transformative ways. They can appropriately tune in to each other. They can see that “the problem” is not necessarily their partner’s inability to be trustworthy. “The problem” is not the hurt partner’s inability to move on. “The problem” is the disconnect that happens when the pain of the past is triggered in both partners.

Stan and Jenny faced a normal, yet pivotal moment when he was late. How they learned to respond in those moments determined the pace of their healing. If Stan responded to Jenny with “You need to get over this,” she would have been left to manage her trauma response alone, further dividing the relationship. However, if Stan became a safe place for her to experience her trauma response, they could learn to connect in ways that are imperative for the healing process. In these moments, couples can strengthen their bond and attachment.

When the pain of old hurts gets triggered, it is no longer “Here we go again,” but rather, “Of course you feel this way sometimes. I’m in it with you. You are not alone in this.” The offending partner can respond to the hurt partner’s moment of panic with understanding and comfort. This shift allows them to move out of a defensive stance of “This isn’t going to work if you are never going to trust me” and into a comforting stance of “I’m so sorry this is scary for you right now. What can I do to help?”

The hurt partner can recognize their emotions as a traumatic response. They can start to notice the difference between “You are untrustworthy” and “I’m feeling that anxiety and panic again, like I’m scared you are going to hurt me again. In these moments, I really need you to be with me, reassure me, understand my pain, hear me,” etc.

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Building Trust and Connection

These triggering moments turn into opportunities for true healing and transformative connection. This is when couples take the pain of incredible hurts and use it to connect in ways that create security and safety. These triggering moments, when handled with care, become the foundation of rebuilding trust. They are not moments to be feared and avoided, but rather moments to be valued for the closeness they can bring. The relationship not only becomes a safe place to find relief but also a protection against the stress that trauma can bring.

If relational traumas are coming between you and your partner, contact a licensed therapist.

References:

1. Carnes, S., Lee, M. A., & Rodriguez, A. D. (2012). Facing heartbreak: Steps to recovery for partners of sex addicts. Carefree, AZ: Gentle Path Press.
2. Johnson, S. M. (2002). Emotionally focused couple therapy with trauma survivors: Strengthening attachment bonds. New York, NY: The Guilford Press.

Rebuilding trust in your relationship can be difficult after it has been broken or compromised. Depending on the nature of the offense, convincing your partner that you can be trusted again may even feel impossible. The good news is it’s not. Trust can, in fact, be rebuilt if both partners are willing to put in the time and work.

Any healthy relationship is built on a foundation of mutual trust. Depending on the circumstances surrounding a breach of trust, the steps for reparation may vary. Certainly, there is a difference between a “little white lie” and an emotional or physical affair. If your relationship has experienced the latter, you may benefit from couples counseling.

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Although there is no one-size-fits-all guide to restoring trust in a relationship, the steps below serve as a basic outline for reparation.

1. Own Up to Your Role

If you have offended or hurt someone by breaking trust, it’s critical to reflect on your actions and acknowledge and own your role. Dismissing, deflecting, minimizing, or casting blame will not help you in your efforts to come to grips with what happened and work toward repair. You must own your part to yourself before you can convince your partner you have taken ownership.

2. Make an Apology Plan

For many people, apologizing doesn’t come easily. It can make a person feel vulnerable, bringing up feelings of anxiety or fear. Be intentional about moving forward with your apology despite your discomfort. Gather your thoughts in advance. Writing down your thoughts can be helpful. Rehearsing what you want to say by standing in front of a mirror and practicing may help put you at ease. If you do rehearse, though, it’s important to mean what you intend to say. Don’t plan to simply say what you think the other person wants to hear in the hopes you’ll be forgiven and the offense forgotten. It doesn’t work that way.

3. Ask for a Good Time to Talk

The adage “timing is everything” can make a difference when apologizing. Ask your partner when a good time to talk would be. Let them know you have something important you would like to discuss. Let them dictate the timing of that discussion so they can give it, and you, their full attention.

4. Accept Responsibility

You have already owned up to yourself. Now it’s time to show your partner that you accept responsibility. Be sincere and use “I” messages: “I am so sorry to have hurt you,” “I really care about you and feel terrible that I have let you down.” Be specific, when possible, regarding what you are sorry about: “I am so sorry I told you that I went to the store when I was actually somewhere else,” “I feel awful that I lied to you about how I spent that money.” Communicate that you want to make things right. Let your partner know you recognize that you broke their trust and you are willing to work hard to regain it.

5. Actively Listen

After apologizing, hear your partner out. You’ve spoken; now it’s time to listen. Use active listening techniques. This means being receptive not only verbally but with your body language as well. Lean in and look your partner in the eye rather than folding your arms in a defensive posture. Be aware emotions may be heightened, yours included. Stay calm and validate your partner’s feelings; they have a right to them.

6. Back Up Your Words with Actions

A genuine apology is worth its weight in gold. However, in the absence of follow-through, your words become meaningless and future attempts at repair may be rejected. If your apology is accepted, it is up to you to demonstrate a pattern of dependable behavior over time. Go the distance and commit to being your best self: be humble, be kind, be affectionate, be appreciative, be loyal, be loving, and be trustworthy.

7. Be Patient

It takes time to rebuild trust in a relationship. Be patient with the process and with your partner. Also, recognize that being remorseful doesn’t mean beating yourself up. No one is perfect, and everyone makes mistakes. Take responsibility but be kind to yourself. It is normal to experience some guilt, shame, or self-loathing; just don’t let it overwhelm you. Look at this as an opportunity to grow rebuild trust and make your relationship stronger with your significant other.

In my office, I hear angry parents snap in frustration at their kids. “You broke my trust!” “You have to earn my trust back!” “You’ve got to rebuild my trust!”

These parents are confused and overwhelmed. Most of them mean, “I feel hurt,” “I feel betrayed,” or “I’m disappointed.” Some mean, “I’m not responsible for my feelings, you are!” A few, who parent by retaliation, mean, “You upset me, so now I’m going to show you how it feels!”

Trust is an emotion, just like love, happiness, or sadness. “You need to rebuild my happiness,” “You broke my joy,” or “You have to earn my love back” would all obviously sound like making someone else responsible for your feelings. In my experience, it often seems harder for parents to be responsible for their own feelings of trust or mistrust than other emotions.

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Because no one can truly be responsible for another person’s feelings, these parents are demanding that a child do something that is impossible to do. Trying to win their parents’ approval by controlling their emotions places a child in an impossible position. They want their parents to love them, yet there is no way to make someone else feel an emotion or to be responsible for another person’s feelings. A child who is continuously placed in this catch-22 learns they can never really earn the love and respect they desire from their parents. They learn the hopeless lesson of trying to make other people feel the way they want them to feel.

On the other hand, parents who model taking personal responsibility for their own feelings teach children how to manage their own emotions without blaming others for how they feel. Consider: “I’m very disappointed you came home past your curfew. I trusted that you would keep your word. For me to feel trust again, I need to set some boundaries. You can count on me to take 10 minutes off your curfew next weekend for every 5 minutes you come home late. So next Saturday night you have to come in 30 minutes earlier.” (Notice the boundary is for the parent—what THEY can be counted on to do, not the child.)

When parents give away responsibility for their feelings, including their trust and mistrust, they model for their children that they, too, can blame others for their feelings.

Rebuilding your feelings of trust in a child requires setting boundaries for yourselves as parents: “I can be counted on to check your homework online every day and to give you the privilege of the Wi-Fi password if it has all been turned in.” “I’m comfortable with you going to your friend’s home after I talk to her parent.” “I will give you permission to take the car after your drug test comes back negative.” “I promise to drive you to the skate park after you’ve kept your room clean for one week.”

When parents give away responsibility for their feelings, including their trust and mistrust, they model for their children that they, too, can blame others for their feelings. Such parents are also more likely to use shame, guilt, and scolding to try to get their kids to comply with their request. These same parents are often surprised when these tactics are turned back on them by their children. (And when kids blame, scold, and shame their parents for how they feel, it generally sounds less polished and more crude.)

Say what you mean: “I’m disappointed,” “I’m surprised,” “I’m angry.” Then mean what you say: “You can count on me to ______ when I see that you have ______.” Don’t elaborate, lecture, or shame. There’s nothing to be gained in belittlement.

Raising children is difficult. As they grow and individuate, you are likely to experience feelings of surprise, shock, disbelief, even betrayal. None of these emotions is pleasant or comfortable, but all of them represent opportunities to model for your kids how to take responsibility for their own uncomfortable feelings. Knowing you can trust yourself to extend only those privileges that you are comfortable giving may be the best way to reclaim trust you’ve lost.

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I have been with my boyfriend for going on three years. A couple of months ago, he said he thought it would be “healthy” for us to be able to have access to each other’s phones. He wants to be able to read my text messages whenever he wants and says he’s okay with me reading his too.

I thought this request was odd, to say the least. I told a couple of friends about it and they also said it was weird. Neither one has an “open phone” policy with their partners. They think it speaks to trust issues on his part.

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We don’t have a history of infidelity, so that can’t be it. I’ve never betrayed him in any real sense. The only thing I can even think of that created any sort of weirdness in our relationship was when I got hit on at a friend’s wedding. That was about six months ago, and while I did accept a friend request from the guy on Facebook, we have only exchanged a couple of comments on public posts. Friendly, but nothing racy. My boyfriend mentioned our interactions once but not in a way that would suggest he felt threatened or insecure. Anyway, I asked him if that had anything to do with his request and he said no.

So I’m not sure what’s going on, but I don’t like knowing my boyfriend insists on seeing my messages. To avoid giving him cause for alarm, I told him I’m fine sharing. We keep our phones unlocked now and he is free to look at mine whenever he wants. Though I’ve never witnessed him doing it, I know he does. I have never looked at his. I just don’t feel a need.

What do you think is happening here? Am I going about this the right way? Should I insist on a boundary? —Open-Ended

Submit Your Own Question to a Therapist

Dear Open-Ended,

Thanks for writing in. I, too, have some concerns about this “open phone” policy and understand your reluctance, which I encourage you to pay more attention to. Before expounding, however, I’m going to briefly discuss what, exactly, a “boundary” is, in my clinical experience, since the term gets thrown around a lot while meanings differ.

Since I like to work from a point of view I call “emotional mindfulness”—and what are love and intimacy if not emotion-based experiences?—I think of a boundary as an inflection point beyond which one will suffer in an unacceptable way. This point of departure most often concerns a specific behavior which causes a person a level of distress or suffering they are not able or willing to tolerate.

It is, in other words, a way of warding off a negative emotional experience, which is why it’s so important such things be discussed in a relationship with as open a mind and heart as possible—even or especially when they don’t “make sense” or conflict with our own way of viewing things. Concrete statements can be debated, while feelings remain indisputably personal: “here is how someone ought to behave in a situation” versus “this is what upsets or hurts or feels positive about this.”

My sense is you and your boyfriend are somehow missing each other in this regard. On the one hand, you say, “To avoid giving him cause for alarm, I told him I’m fine sharing [phones].” Thus, after some internal deliberation and perhaps anxiety, you agreed with his request—except you are writing to me about it, indicating there remains some anxiety or reservation.

The concern I have here is that the focus has become centered on the mechanics rather than the emotional meaning of this sharing. By “meaning,” I refer to how you both think and feel about what’s happening and how it impacts the relationship. In a way, the background dilemma has been tabled, not solved.

The fact a guy hit on you at a wedding became understandably concerning for your boyfriend; this guy then “friended” you on Facebook, which you accepted. While your trusting of others isn’t a bad thing unto itself, I would hope you can see how that might have been anxious-making for your partner, perhaps due to some of his own history (just as some of yours may have impacted your decision to friend the guy and/or agree to share phones).

In all fairness, your boyfriend did not come out and discuss his concerns explicitly, which is part of the “missing each other” I mention above. He took a literal or physical approach rather than risking vulnerability in discussing it. You may have taken a similar route in agreeing to share your phone when you were hesitant, both of you bypassing the emotional risk or vulnerability so crucial to building closeness or intimacy.

I find generally that all behavior, especially when it concerns a close relationship, is a kind of communication, sometimes revealing intention that may or may not be conscious. On some level, your boyfriend’s impulse to check your phone—which will require checking and rechecking because it doesn’t address the underlying emotional problem, another reason it’s only a Band-Aid solution—is a way of saying, “I don’t trust you.”

Your decision to friend this fellow—and here I’m reaching a bit—could mean you do not like to feel constrained, for example in who you do or don’t befriend or interact with. You might believe, “I told him I’m taken, he gets it, and I’m fine with it.” Of course, your boyfriend could harbor similar sentiment about checking your phone: “I’m not suspicious of anything in particular, it’s just a way of shoring up trust and makes me feel better.” It sounds like both of you are facing common human anxieties that might, if mutually shared and understood, lead to deeper understanding and a strengthened emotional bond.

The “I’m” and “me” parts are key. It’s hard to put the “we” above “me” in any relationship, especially when we don’t get the other person’s point of view (more on that in a second), or if that POV conflicts with or appears to get in the way of our autonomy, freedom, and so forth.

I find generally that all behavior, especially when it concerns a close relationship, is a kind of communication, sometimes revealing intention that may or may not be conscious. On some level, your boyfriend’s impulse to check your phone—which will require checking and rechecking because it doesn’t address the underlying emotional problem, another reason it’s only a Band-Aid solution—is a way of saying, “I don’t trust you.”

It could also be saying, “I do trust you, but I get so anxious about this that I must have validation or confirmation. It’s hard to say no to this need to know.”

Your deciding to friend the guy at the wedding is a way of saying, “Hey, you can trust me, I’m loyal to you.” It could also be a matter of “I have a hard time saying ‘no’ as it might hurt the other person’s feelings, so it’s safer to just agree.”

Both of you overlap in saying, “Please understand this, don’t be hurt”—agreeing with the other’s behavior in a way that misses the underlying, more vulnerable anxieties or hopes for understanding. Thus, the relationship remains anxiety-laden, which is probably why you decided to write in.

In either case, you and your boyfriend have real (and understandably human) vulnerabilities around trust and betrayal. It’s worth sitting down with each other for an open conversation in which you try to hear the other person out in terms of their hopes and fears. If this feels uncomfortable, reach out to a therapist who can help facilitate things in an impartial way.

Perhaps your boyfriend was once betrayed by a partner, leading to anxiety around a repetition of this; perhaps you once said no to someone and it backfired or hurt you. In either event, I would think the solution has to come from within each of you in a shared way, rather than a physical or concrete way of controlling anxiety and postponing some stepping-outside-the-comfort-zone. We cannot avoid the need to emotionally stretch—sometimes awkwardly, uncomfortably—in the growth required for long-term intimacy.

I see this in couples counseling all the time, where one person needs to turn up the volume on their wants or needs (yourself, in this case), while the other needs to dial it down a bit in terms of intrusiveness or demand (your boyfriend)—while both partners attempt to center on the emotional vulnerabilities driving the conflict, rather than resting in an external solution. Putting the cart before the horse is something we all do, though the “horse” (i.e., the relationship) only ends up feeling blocked, restless, or cagey.

I hope this helps. Thanks again for writing!

Darren Haber, MFT, PsyD

Have you ever felt shame while talking to your therapist? Have they ever said or did something that triggered this feeling?

I’m hoping your therapist has never intentionally instigated shame, but it’s possible that, at some point, the way they ask a question, respond to you, or make a particular facial expression may initiate a shame response. Perhaps their eyes widened when you spoke about a fetish or sexual practice, related an argument you had with a friend, or described something you did on an interview that didn’t go well.

On one hand, maybe they were shocked. We therapists hear a lot, but even the most experienced therapist can be surprised at times. On the other hand, we may noticeably react for a different reason. Maybe we’re making an association with something in our own life. Or maybe we’re having gas. You, the person we are working with, has no idea which of these is the case. But that’s not the important part. The important part is that you picked up on something from us that caused you to feel shame. [fat_widget_right]

And that is something that should be discussed.

Building Trust to Examine Our Shame

Most of us go through life learning how best to avoid shame and have likely developed (consciously or unconsciously) any number of ways to do this. One of the benefits of therapy is that it allows us the opportunity to examine and challenge a well-honed (overdeveloped?) shame response.

But of course, we can only exercise this opportunity if we are comfortable enough—and trust our therapist enough—to let them know when shame arises. Because not only are we good at feeling shame, we have also, in most cases, become very good at hiding our shame. We might get angry instead. Or we might cry. Sometimes we hold in our emotions and experience them physically, in the form of stomach pain or headaches, for example. In some cases, our shame might even be converted into a panic attack.

Telling someone their reaction to something we shared caused us to feel shame is a hugely brave thing to do. What better place for that act of bravery than in the therapy room?

Finding Relief from the Weight of Shame

Talking about shame can often open a portal, as it can serve to expose so many of the reasons we aren’t living the life we say we want to be living. Why we’re not taking a risk on a career, for example, or why we’re not opening up to a partner—even though by not doing so we could end up losing them. I can’t tell you how often I begin working with men who tell me they’re finally trying out therapy because too many partners have said they can no longer continue a relationship with them until they are able to share more. They aren’t aware yet that it’s the shame stopping them.

Talking about shame can often open a portal, as it can serve to expose so many of the reasons we aren’t living the life we say we want to be living.

These aren’t men affected by ideas of toxic masculinity, either. These are men who know they are supposed to express themselves more, men who have received all the messages supporting increased empathy, compassion, communication, and so on–everything a so-called “Modern Man” should be—but they’ve never been taught how to be that man.

But many of these men, once they begin talking about this shame and related issues in a supportive environment, begin to realize how much of their energy has been going to defending against it. The relief they experience can be astounding!

Shame isn’t everything. There are many reasons people choose to seek out counseling. Shame is no small concern, though, because the energy we put into pushing shame away could be energy spent addressing and working to heal from our anxiety, our depression, our trauma.

If you trust your therapist, take the risk.

(If you don’t feel comfortable bringing up this issue with your therapist, please remember it’s always all right to seek a second opinion. If you’re concerned your therapist is intentionally shaming you, you might consider reviewing these warning signs of bad therapy.)

When I think of white lies, I think of a true story about me and my mother. Not an intimate relationship, I agree, but still the sort of thing that could happen between married partners.

Though I had been married since the previous year, and my husband and I very much wanted a child, I could not seem to get pregnant. Meanwhile, my mom was struggling with depression and could not get over the loss of my father. Also—and this is the key point—she had a bad heart and had been told she needed open-heart surgery, but she was refusing it.

While visiting her in the hospital, as I did almost daily, I finally mustered up some excitement and said, “Mom, I’m pregnant!”

Yes, I lied—but it worked. That same day, my mother told her doctor she would go through with the surgery (Interestingly, I was saved from embarrassment about 11 months later because within the two months following her successful surgery, I did get pregnant, and she was a very happy grandma.) [fat_widget_right]

In my opinion, the real question you must ask yourself when deciding whether lying is the right thing to do is this: Who are you protecting? It’s really that simple. I would have done just about anything to save my mother’s life. The lie came from my heart and was intended solely for her benefit, not mine.

According to people who detect lying and liars as part of their profession (detectives, members of the FBI, and so forth), we all tell “white lies,” or lies intended to protect others, every day. “That dress is gorgeous on you!” is something we might say to protect someone we care about or to protect the relationship we have with them, for example. We understand the listener would not benefit from hearing the truth and would likely feel hurt instead.

Pamela Meyer, author of Liespotting, became concerned with the growing lack of trust in our society and its implications for business and families. Her book, based on a review of all the literature on deception written for the intelligence community, explains that each person is lied to—and lies—from 10 to 200 times a day! [amazon_affiliate]

The Effects of Lying

How is it possible to lie and be lied to so many times? Consider how many times you say, “I’m fine” when someone asks how you are and you aren’t actually “fine” at all? This, according to Meyer, is a lie. What’s wrong with it? Nothing, really. We certainly don’t want to bother the cashier, a complete stranger to us, with the fact that our son just underwent surgery, we just lost our pet, or whatever else we’re troubled with.

Lying might be hardwired into us. Babies will cry and then pause to see if someone is coming before going back to crying. Children automatically lie to get out of trouble, and by the time they graduate high school, they may lie to their parents in one out of five interactions. Lying makes the liar unable to be vulnerable in the relationship. When we lie, we are putting a wall between us and the person we are lying to. 

Whatever the type of lie or reason behind it, when we lie so frequently, we build up a tolerance for lying itself. This means it can become easier to tell bigger lies when we think they’re called for. And while we may tell white lies to protect others, we might also begin to lie more to protect ourselves. This is where the problem begins. We may justify lying to ourselves as lying to protect a relationship, but actually we’re doing it to save our skin.

So, you might ask, what’s wrong with that?

Let’s take a step back and ask a different question first: What do we gain from our intimate relationships? Research shows that happily married people experience a number of physical and mental health benefits that can lead to longer life. When people believe their partner is their best friend, health benefits may be even greater. Logically, then, what we might want from marriage is a feeling of connection and closeness and a partner we consider to be our best friend.

Lying can impact this intimacy by affecting all parts involved: the one who lies, the one who is lied to, and the relationship as a whole.

How Lying Impacts the Liar

When we are open and honest, we expose our vulnerable selves. Vulnerability means we are willing to let a partner to see our flaws. Having a loving partner who accepts our flaws both can help ease any stress we might experience as a result of having them and help us accept that we are all right after all. When our worst shame is laid bare and our partner accepts it, and accepts us in spite of it, then we can breathe a sigh of relief. We can relax and be ourselves. That is what intimacy is all about.

Lying, however, makes the liar unable to be vulnerable in the relationship. When we lie, we are putting a wall between us and the person we are lying to. Meyer found that married people lie to one another, on average, in one out of every 10 interactions. Unmarried people lie to each other approximately one in three times.

There are consequences to this dishonesty. People may not consciously know that someone is being deceptive, but—get this—they tend to like them less.^ So a person who lies somehow unconsciously reveals the fact of their dishonesty and as a result is liked less because they were not honest. What’s more, the deceived person will tend to lie to that person more frequently in response.

And all that from unconscious awareness!

Speaking of metaphorical walls, the worst of the walls we put up are the ones between ourselves and ourselves. Why do you think trained deception experts can spot liars through certain body language giveaways like saying “no” but shaking our head “yes”?

On some basic level, we don’t want to lie. As much as babies put on a show to manipulate adoring adults, they’re also told lying is wrong. So we grow up in a culture where both the powerful advantages of lying and the immorality of it tear at us. We handle the discrepancy through body language, choice of words, and use of (or lack of) pauses that often give us away to those who are trained to spot the inconsistencies.

People who tell lies often may themselves not even be aware they’re giving away their deception. While consciously trying to lie, they may unconsciously reject the lie—but they don’t know it. That’s how much they have cut themselves off from their own thoughts and feelings, their own self-awareness.

How Lying Impacts Those Lied To

For those deceived, the word “betrayal” is often inadequate. Researchers have found that even in cases of compulsive cybersex, spouses stated they felt traumatized by the discovery. At the very least, spouses or partners lost trust and sought out professional help. (Of interest is that in spite of this, adultery is not cited a major cause when people give reasons for divorce.)

People also tend to lie about financial and health issues. I heard of a person who divorced her husband because he did not inform her he could not have children before they were married.

In another case, when a wife asked her husband to take money out of the stock market to pay bills, he would always say that he could not get the money out on the same day when in fact he could. The result of the late delivery of money to this stay-at-home mom was humiliation over bounced checks and late payments. After he died, she discovered the lie, which he had repeated over many years, from his broker, and she felt betrayed and angry, which significantly impacted her memories of her marriage.

Recovering from Dishonesty

The good news: There is recovery from intimate partner lying. Often, with help, the relationship does not end but heals instead. The person who cheated or lied for some other reason must learn why they could not trust their partner to understand their needs and motives in the first place.

You see, while the deceived person loses trust when the truth comes out, the liar had already lost trust in the person they lied to or else they wouldn’t have needed to lie. Why didn’t the person who couldn’t have children share the truth? Perhaps his fiancée would have been willing to adopt. Why couldn’t the husband share his reason for holding onto the stock market money one extra day? If he hoped the numbers would go up, why was he afraid to share that?

While people who lie to their partners have a lot to learn about their fears of being open and vulnerable, those who have been lied to can learn if messages they gave out may have contributed to the problem. In spite of the pain on both sides, when the walls erected in a relationship are brought down safely and carefully, much good can come of this new openness.

References:

1. Drefahl, S. (2012, May 24). Do the married really live longer? The role of cohabitation and socioeconomic status. Journal of Marriage and Family, 74(3), 462-475.
2. Gigy, L., & Kelly, J. B. (1993). Reasons for divorce: Perspectives of divorcing men and women. Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, 18(1-2), 169-188.
3. Gino, F., & Bazeman, M. H. (2009). When misconduct goes unnoticed: The acceptability of gradual erosion in others’ unethical behavior. Journal of Experimental and Social Psychology, 45(4), 708-719. Retrieved from http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S002210310900078X
4. Hawkins, A. J., Willoughby, B. J., & Doherty, W. J. (2012). Reasons for divorce and openness to marital reconciliation. Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, 53(6), 453-463. Retrieved from http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/10502556.2012.682898?src=recsys
5. Loenstein, L. F. (2005). Causes and associated features of divorce as seen by recent research. Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, 42(3-4), 153-171. Retrieved from http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1300/J087v42n03_09?src=recsys
6. Meyer, P. (2011, October 13). How to spot a liar. YouTube. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P_6vDLq64gE
7. Meyer, P. (2011). Liespotting: Proven techniques to detect deception. New York: NY: St. Martin’s Griffin.
8. Navarro, J., & Karlins, M. (2008). What every BODY is saying: An ex-FBI agent’s guide to speed-reading people. New York, NY: HarperCollins.
9. Savedge, J. (2016, October 1). Being in a healthy relationship may help you live longer. MNN. Retrieved from https://www.mnn.com/health/healthy-spaces/blogs/why-being-healthy-relationship-may-help-you-live-longer
10. Schneider, J. P., Weiss, R., and Samenow, C. (2012, April 9). Is it really cheating? Understanding the emotional reactions and clinical treatment of spouses and partners affected by cybersex infidelity. Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity: The Journal of Treatment and Prevention, 19(1-2), 123-139. Retrieved from http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/10720162.2012.658344
11. Thurnher, M, Fenn, C. B., Melichar, J., & Chiriboga, D. A. (1983). Sociodemographic perspectives on reasons for divorce. Journal of Divorce, 6(4), 25-35. http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1300/J279v06n04_02?src=recsys
12. Tyler, J. M. (2006). The price of deceptive behavior: Disliking and lying to people who lie to us. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 42(1), 69-77. Retrieved from http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S002210310500034X

Gaslighting is in the news these days. In simple terms, to gaslight is to treat another person in a way that makes them doubt their own perceptions. We can see this behavior on a large scale with a manipulative politician who demands acceptance of his falsehoods, as well as in the very personal realm of the intimate relationship, when one partner’s narcissistic needs create the conditions and terms for partnership.

A woman under the sway of such a person—narcissism isn’t gender-specific, but I use a woman-man relationship here for narrative purposes—faces a difficult challenge in her attempt to break away. She may be told her version of the story is false and that she is wrong, even stupid, to believe it. She may be derided and condemned in proportion to the depth of the narcissistic wound experienced by her tormentor. She may depart with only one thing: her quiet hope that breaking away from this man will be better than staying, no matter how unimaginable and unpredictable the future might seem.

To leave, she may have to muster more courage than she has ever before needed. Her sense of who she is may collapse around her. It may take quite some time for her to sort out what has happened, to release the hold that guilt and shame have on her, and to begin to feel whole once again.

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What is the greatest long-term price such a woman may pay? To answer this question, a woman might benefit by looking back to the beginning of the relationship. It is paramount she do so believing she did the best she could at any moment, though her temptation will likely be to judge herself harshly for not having seen what may now be obvious to her.

Because here is the challenge: it is the insidious nature of gaslighting abuse that makes it so difficult to identify at the outset of a relationship. To be a victim of gaslighting is to be the legendary frog in a pot of water that is placed over a low flame. The water temperature rises gradually, imperceptibly. At a certain point, however, the frog will boil to death unless it can summon the strength to jump to freedom. To escape, it must be able to recognize its extreme distress. Gaslighting, however, gradually creates an environment in which awareness of one’s own feelings becomes less and less possible. Gradually, a woman learns to dismiss her own intuitive responses. She is subsumed into the narrative created by her partner, and her role in that narrative follows his script. She becomes an actor in someone else’s play.

Sometimes, it is a trusted friend who intervenes on a woman’s behalf by helping her see and believe how much she has changed, and not for the better, since getting involved with this man. Sometimes, it is a sense of being utterly lost. Sometimes, she comes to a decision to extricate herself only after a suicide attempt.

But there was likely a time when she looked to this man for love, comfort, harmony. She felt secure in what he told her about his feelings for her and about the nature of their mutual affection. It was her nature to believe him rather than to be skeptical, even on early occasions when things might have seemed a little off to her. She rushed to understand him. She placed her faith in him. He betrayed it.

By a thousand little acts of turning away from her, by subtle yet repetitive dismissals, by overt challenges to her right to think for herself, he betrayed everything she valued. And because she loved him, she allowed these little currents to build gradually to tsunami force, telling herself she was being too critical, or that he didn’t really mean it, or that she deserved such treatment for being so cold/mean/hostile to him. Her internal voices became as critical of her as anything her partner ever said. Even after a period of healing, and once she has begun to feel a semblance of stability re-enter her life, she can still be left with the residue of this betrayal.

She may wonder whether she can avoid having to pay forever for involvement in gaslighting and hostility. The answer is yes, she can. Learning to do this is an inside job, for what is the most precious thing her manipulative partner has taken from her? It is her faith in herself, which includes her ability to trust her judgment.

The greatest price she may pay for her partner’s gaslighting is this: she now doubts her own judgment. She doubts her ability to see manipulation early enough to avoid repeating her costly mistake. She struggles to trust another partner. With this fear of extending trust once again, she risks sabotaging any future relationship due to apprehension about entering new trauma. If she begins to date again, she is circumspect. She wonders about everything her partner says. She looks for evidence of early betrayal, infidelity, lies. She becomes a person so consumed with a readiness to be betrayed that she kills any chance for a healthy relationship.

At this point, she may wonder whether she can avoid having to pay forever for involvement in gaslighting and hostility. The answer is yes, she can. Learning to do this is an inside job, for what is the most precious thing her manipulative partner has taken from her? It is her faith in herself, which includes her ability to trust her judgment. This is where true healing can begin: she must see there is no such thing as deserving to be mistreated. There is no such thing as being wrong all the time.

In fact, there is no such person as the woman her former partner repeatedly told her that she was. That person was a fabrication, a creation of an imbalanced imagination. This phantom was projected onto her as someone he needed to dominate in order to assert his own importance, to give significance and meaning to his own poorly developed version of himself. Unchecked, he may spend his life creating these personas from the raw material of those who will love him in the future. And he may continue to create landmines and battlefields that leave them in as much pain and trauma as she, herself, once experienced.

It is time for her to embrace the embattled woman, the one who shouldered all the blame and harshness from a man with low emotional capability. For his own purposes, he poured her into a mold she neither chose nor fit. She can see this now. She can move forward with compassion for herself and guard her emerging awareness that she is the equal to any person of good faith, kind heart, and empathetic involvement in the lives of others.

She is worthy. By making a promise to safeguard this realization, she can trust herself to recognize the difference between someone who is present to her in all her glory and her faults, and someone whose emotional wounds might make him dangerous to her generous heart. She will be back in touch with the intuition that guided her life before she was derailed by the driving needs of her gaslighting partner.

This former partner has no further claim on her, once she sees clearly that the net he cast around her emanated from him and did not define her. She may not have realized it at the time, but she can now see clearly that all the tumult and the drama originated on his side, which is where she left it when she walked away from him.

She will love and be loved again. She does not have to wonder about the man who hurt her, as his path is of his own creating.

Just as her own will be.