I think you have quite a bit of insight about your problem: your childhood experiences and past relationships have shaped your worldview in such a way that you don’t trust your current reality.

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You have made yourself vulnerable by committing to not hurting your husband—and that feels scary to you. We all carry some baggage from our formative experiences into current relationships. It seems, however, that your fears are preventing you from enjoying your relationship as you could. I imagine you find yourself in a pretty constant state of anxiety or fear—watching and waiting for evidence that you might get hurt. That’s exhausting. It also can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. We expect someone to tire of us, and we push for reassurance or we accuse them of not caring enough until they do tire of our behaviors and disengage from the relationship. That then confirms what we believed all along—that people will hurt us and leave us.

Most people will leave us if we push them away hard enough. The challenge is not to push when we feel scared or vulnerable, but to engage and connect.

To accept love, you must feel worthy of love. It sounds as if that may be a significant part of your struggles.

There is no quick fix or easy answer to your question. I recommend that you find a therapist to work through your relationship fears and feelings of self-worth. There is quite a bit of healing that will likely need to happen before you can fully embrace being in relationship with another person.

To accept love, you must feel worthy of love. It sounds as if that may be a significant part of your struggles. You can talk with a therapist about how to bring your husband into the work you do together—as he can likely be a great support for you. If he understands your triggers and how to respond most effectively to you, that can only enhance your relationship. However, I do not suggest focusing on couples work. I think you would benefit first and foremost from individual work to address your concerns.

Best wishes,
Erika

“Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t—you’re right.” —Henry Ford

When Henry Ford first conceived of the V8 motor, his engineers told him it was simply impossible to cast an 8-cylinder engine block in just one piece. Ford told the engineers to do it anyway. He instructed them to try until they succeeded, no matter how long it took. If they wished to remain employed by Ford, this was their one and only task. After more than a year of trying with no results, Ford told them to continue. Shortly after, the first V8 motor was built.

Our thoughts and beliefs shape both our perception and experience of ourselves and the world around us. Research indicates that nearly 80% of our self talk is negative. Imagine spending your whole day listening to a recording of whining, complaints, and criticisms. What many people fail to recognize is that they are listening to these types of thoughts in their head on repeat every day.

Our programming can become so ingrained in us that we may not be aware of its existence. Thoughts such as “I’m not good at anything,” “Life is hard,” or “People can’t be trusted” may cross our minds so frequently that we begin to recognize them as facts and no longer question the possibility that things could be different.

The word affirmation comes from the Latin affirmare, which means “to strengthen and make steady.” Affirmation statements are affirming that something is true for us. The purpose of positive affirmations is to affirm to ourselves that things are good even if we don’t necessarily feel that way at the time.

Positive affirmations have the power to transform lives. They play a significant role in many therapeutic models—including cognitive behavioral therapy, a treatment for depression. Positive affirmations are also at the forefront of many 12-step rehabilitation programs.

[fat_widget_right]Carefully constructed positive affirmations can “rewire” our brains to break negative thought patterns. Similar to exercise, positive affirmations can actually increase the amount of feel-good hormones in our brains. Positive thoughts create positive emotions, which can actually change our physiology and improve our mental, emotional, and physical health.

Here are 15 positive affirmations that can help change your life:

1. I am worthy of love, happiness, and fulfillment.

This affirmation can increase your self-esteem and self-worth. You are what you believe you are!

2. I have the power within me to create the life I desire.

This empowering statement can help you recognize that you alone have the power to create the life you want. Honor your power to choose by choosing thoughts and actions that positively contribute to your life.

3. Each new day is filled with infinite potential and possibility.

You’ve probably heard the phrase “Tomorrow is a new day.” Every new day brings with it new opportunities. Carpe Diem. Seize the day by making the most of the opportunities available to you.

4. I am so grateful for my life and all its blessings.

An attitude of gratitude can not only boost your mood and increase your awareness of all the blessings you already possess, but it also serves to attract even more good things into your life.

5. I forgive myself and hold myself in a state of compassion.

Forgiveness can free us from past burdens and allow us to operate from a clean slate. Love yourself, recognize that you did the best you could in the past, and strive to continue to learn and do better in the future.

6. I love and accept myself just the way I am.

The simple act of self-acceptance can radically transform your life. A healthy relationship with yourself is necessary if you wish to have healthy relationships with others.

7. I am strong in my values and confident in my abilities.

Strong values and self-confidence can keep you feeling empowered, strong, and capable of taking on life’s challenges.

8. I let go of the past, surrender concerns about the future, and openly receive the experience of the present moment.

When we let go of the past, it no longer has power over us. Choose to live in the present moment and remain open to its possibilities.

9. I continue to learn, grow, and evolve with each passing day.

Remembering that each day is a new opportunity for learning may make it easier to let go of the past and remain excited about the future.

10. I attract experiences that serve my highest good and facilitate personal growth and transformation.

A negative attitude can invite negative experiences. By keeping a positive perspective, we can openly embrace experiences that serve to help us grow and become better people.

11. My life is filled with meaning, purpose, and passion.

Seeking out meaningful experiences that ignite our passions can provide a sense of purpose and fulfillment in our lives.

12. I have positive, healthy, and supportive relationships with my loved ones.

Reminding ourselves that we wish to have healthy and supportive relationships in our lives can remind us to treat others with kindness, compassion, and respect. It can also empower us to stand up for ourselves by creating healthy boundaries in our relationships.

13. I am confident in my talents, strengths, gifts, and abilities.

Being confident in your gifts and strengths can give you the courage needed to put yourself out there and seize the opportunities presented.

14. I have the courage and tenacity to overcome any challenge I face.

There’s no doubt that life can sometimes be difficult. Regularly reminding ourselves of our courage and tenacity can provide us the strength needed to get through even the toughest of times.

15. I freely give and receive unconditional love and acceptance to myself and others.

Life is of little meaning without love. Reminding ourselves to be open to giving and receiving love can be important, especially after loss. Rather than guard your heart, choose to remain open to the love that is all around you.

Our thoughts and beliefs shape both our perception and experience of ourselves and the world around us. Research indicates that nearly 80% of our self talk is negative.The more personal the affirmations are, the more likely they are to work for you. Try using the above affirmations as a guide to aid you in creating your own affirmation statements. Start by identifying your negative thought patterns and creating positive countering statements. For example, a phrase such as “I’m not good at anything” may become “I always do my best.”

Affirmations are most effective when implemented into a daily routine. Your own quotes can be read, spoken aloud, and thought several times throughout the day.  Repetition is key. The more you say it, the more you may believe it.

Affirmations are more than simply repeating words, however. Though the process may seem silly if you’re new to it, affirmations have the power to drastically improve lives by freeing people from their own negativity and self-doubt. Using affirmations is a practice of recognizing and changing your thoughts on a daily basis. Eventually, positive thoughts can transform your cognitive patterns and negative thoughts may become less prominent. The more you can consciously choose your thoughts, the better your life can be.

“Thoughts become things, choose the good ones.” —Mike Dooley

References:

1. Ford Motor Company Timeline. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://corporate.ford.com/company/history.html
2. Fundukian, L. J., Ed. (2011). Cognitive-behavioral therapy. In The Gale Encyclopedia of Medicine, Vol. 2, 4th ed. (pp. 1061–1064). Detroit, MI: Gale
3. Harra, C. (2013, July 6). 35 Affirmations That Will Change Your Life. Retrieved from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-carmen-harra/affirmations_b_3527028.html
4. Hay, Louise L. (2010, June). How to use affirmations. Going bonkers, Vol. 4, Issue 3, 58–61.
5. Hill, N. (1987). Think and grow rich. New York: Fawcett Books.
6. Maxwell, C. (2014, October 6). Self-Talk: Shifting Negative Thoughts to Positive. Retrieved from http://www.askdrmaxwell.com/2014/10/positive-thinking-self-talk/

“It’s taken me a long time to get here,” Jessica lamented in her first session. “I don’t know what my problem is. I just feel unhappy. Something is missing in my life, but I don’t know what I want or what it could be. I’m a 46-year-old married woman. My marriage to Peter is fine and I like my job as a speech therapist well enough. I feel boring and bored and maybe have more anxiety than I should. What do you think is wrong?”

Jessica’s statement at the start of therapy began our quest to understand Jessica’s sense of emptiness. In our sessions, her talk was tinged with melancholy. Jessica said that when she looked in the mirror she saw “a not very attractive, aging, unsatisfied woman who feels empty.” Apart from Jessica’s sad demeanor, she brought urgency to the sessions with her intense desire to find out “what is wrong with me?”

Jessica grew up in a suburb of a large city as the younger of two daughters. Her parents divorced when she was 9 years old. Her father quickly remarried and had a child with his new wife. Jessica had vivid memories: “I was crying and my father was hugging me. He said he was moving out because he and my mother had too many problems to stay together.” A tearful Jessica continued: “I remember thinking, ‘How can he leave me?’ I couldn’t stop crying and ran to my room.”

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Jessica and her sister saw her father weekly for a little more than a year, but when he became involved with his wife to be, their visits became less frequent. She recalled, “It was never the same after he left. I never saw him alone and I couldn’t hold onto the feeling that I was special to him. I lost that when I lost him.”

Jessica tried in our sessions to recapture what growing up was like. She wondered if she had been sad even before her father left: “I think I’ve always been sad. Maybe our whole household was sad. My mother was not an energetic or happy person. She often seemed far away. I think she was depressed after my father left and she definitely became more anxious. I was always anxious, too. My sister, who is five years older than me, always did her own thing. But I was very attached to my mother. I felt a strong need for her, and it must have gotten more intense after my father left. She wasn’t very affectionate, and I was very clingy. I remember we used to play cards a lot and we’d go shopping together. I wanted to be around her. I didn’t have a lot of friends. When I went to high school, I started to make friends, but I was always nervous around them. I felt different and not part of the group, so I didn’t do as much at school or with them as I now wish I had.”

When Jessica left home for college, she became somewhat more engaged with the world. She had her first date at the end of her freshman year and dated occasionally throughout college. For the most part, she focused on her education. The college and graduate school Jessica chose was two hours away from home. She spent most weekends and school vacations home alone with her mother (her sister had married and moved to California).

Jessica recalled her conflicted feelings about going home: “I missed my mother when I was away at school, but I don’t know what I missed, exactly. Going home was pretty boring. My mother wasn’t very interested in what I was doing. Whenever I was excited to tell her about my classes or my patients when I was in grad school, she seemed to change the subject. I don’t know what it was, but being around her made me anxious about school and dating and I guess about most everything. Still, after grad school I moved back near my mother and got a job as a speech therapist. When I think about it now, I don’t get why I went home. I think I felt my mother wanted something from me, but I don’t know what.”

I asked Jessica to talk more about her experience with her mother.

“It’s hard to describe,” she said. “I felt so ambivalent about her. I loved her desperately but always felt something was missing in our connection. I wanted her to tell me I was terrific, to give me the feeling she was interested in me and my life. I wanted to feel like she took pleasure in what I did and who I was, but she never did. If anything, I made her feel good. I felt she needed me, but I didn’t know what she needed me for. She was very sensitive, and I was very anxious around her. It didn’t take much for me to feel I had hurt her. She seemed like a pretty lonely person. I think I felt I was supposed to do something to make her life better. She seemed to like it when I was around, but she never seemed to want me very close to her. It was confusing because I also needed to be with her, but it never made sense to me that I felt that way.”

Jessica was beginning to recognize that her mother was limited and couldn’t provide her with feelings of being special that she desperately needed and longed for. Jessica also began to appreciate the consequences of her strong feelings that she would hurt her mother by being special or fulfilled.

Tears started to flow: “You know, she died too young. She developed heart problems and became very sick when I was 32. After that, I spoke to her every day and visited as much as I could, even if I didn’t want to. All my energy was focused on her. She was very depressed, and I was very careful not to make her feel worse by telling her anything that was good in my life.”

Jessica’s mother was ill for four years and died when Jessica was 36, 10 years before she came to see me. During her illness, Jessica’s mother was a constant companion in Jessica’s mind.

“I got more anxious and very depressed,” Jessica recalled. “My mother was dying, and I felt totally helpless. I was so worried that I would say or do something that would upset her. I was preoccupied with thoughts about what I should be doing for her and what she would think about my life. Sometimes I still catch myself wondering what she would think about me. I’m very sad that she never got to meet Peter or know that I married. But sometimes I think marrying Peter was a betrayal of my mother. She never felt very good about herself. How would she feel if my life went well? I think it would hurt her. She might think I was arrogant if I said I had a good life or expressed excitement about my accomplishments. I’d feel like I was being mean to her.”

Even now, after the death of her mother, Jessica still expresses a strong need for her mother: “Since my mother died, she is in my head more than ever. I find myself wondering what she would think about everything: would she like something I bought or would she be OK with my coming here?”

“What kind of response would you want from your mother now?” I asked.

Jessica began to sob: “I wish she would give me a big smile and look really delighted with me. I don’t think I ever got that from her.”

As we continued to explore Jessica’s relationship with her mother, it became clearer that her mother had been unable to provide Jessica with the basics for developing positive self-feelings and a sense of being valued, admired, and recognized. Jessica’s mother couldn’t mirror Jessica’s excitement, enthusiasm, and good self-feelings back to her. Consequently, Jessica infrequently experienced these feelings as part of herself. This left a space inside Jessica, which I believed was what Jessica described as “something missing.” Growing up, Jessica did not know that her need and longing for her mother was her effort to find her missing good and valuable self in her mother’s experience of her.

Jessica was beginning to recognize that her mother was limited and couldn’t provide her with feelings of being special that she desperately needed and longed for. Jessica also began to appreciate the consequences of her strong feelings that she would hurt her mother by being special or fulfilled. We spent many sessions talking about all the ways Jessica had held herself back in her life. She became aware of how her relationship to her mother governed her choices and kept her trapped in patterns of behavior, thought, and feeling that interfered with her ability to enjoy life, engage with people, and ultimately feel self-confident and pleased with herself and her life. She began to understand how, unconsciously, she had lived her life to assure that if her mother contrasted her life to Jessica’s, she wouldn’t feel threatened by finding too much “good stuff” in Jessica’s life. Jessica wondered if she was only able to find a partner and marry after her mother’s death.

Jessica and I worked hard exploring her attachment to her mother. Now she has emotional knowledge (knowledge with feelings attached, not just thoughts) about that connection. She knows she connected to her mother by becoming like her: she internalized her mother’s sadness and duplicated the absence of her mother’s good internalized self-feelings. She knows that her sadness about her missing good self-parts was a kind of mourning for the absence of a nurturing mother and the good feelings she was never able to obtain from her.

Now Jessica is freeing herself from protecting her mother. Now she can be there for herself. She can nurture her missing parts and change her internal world. She will be able to own a new sense of self-confidence and self-esteem and follow her own wishes, get her needs met, and feel special.

Note: To protect privacy, names in the preceding article have been changed and the dialogues described are a composite.

Participation trophies, praising children for no apparent reason, and encouraging every child to feel special are relatively new developments in parenting culture, and most of us have heard members of older generations decry this parenting style. It turns out that debates about how much adoration children should receive constitute more than a generational divide, though. Children whose parents “overvalue” them are more likely to develop narcissism, according to a study published in Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

The Perils of Overvaluing Children

The study—which co-author Brad Bushman says encouraged him to change his own parenting style—recruited 565 Dutch children and their parents. Child participants ranged in age from 7 to 11. Each parent completed a psychological survey every six months over the two-year duration of the study. The surveys asked parents to indicate how strongly they agreed with statements comparing their children to others. For example, a parent might be asked whether his or her child is a good example for others.

Researchers also explored how warmly parents behaved toward their children. Parents answered surveys asking them to indicate whether they took specific steps to make their children feel loved. Children completed similar surveys, indicating whether they agreed or disagreed with statements about their parents’ expressions of warmth and love.

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Researchers then evaluated children’s self-esteem and narcissistic tendencies. Children with high self-esteem believed they were as good and deserving as others. Children with narcissistic tendencies, on the other hand, felt they were better and more special than others. Parents who ranked their children as “more special than other children” or who believed their children deserved more out of life than others had children who scored higher on narcissism measures. Children whose parents were warm and loving were more likely to have high self-esteem, but not narcissistic tendencies.

Researchers believe that parents may tell their children how special they are in an attempt to boost their self-esteem. But children believe what their parents tell them. When parents emphasize that a child is better or more deserving, the child may grow to believe it.

How Much Adoration of Children Is Too Much?

Avoiding excessive adoration doesn’t mean you have to give up praising your child or working to nurture his or her self-esteem. Instead, the study’s authors believe the key is to praise children without making them feel superior to others. This sense of superiority, they say, is what seems to lead to narcissism.

A simple change in parenting style can work wonders. Instead of telling your child he’s the best, smartest, or best-looking, try praising him for his actions and efforts. Compliment your child for working hard to help a friend, for committing extra time to her science project, or for diligently practicing piano. Previous research suggests that praising children for their efforts rather than their results or innate traits encourages them to work harder and be more persistent.

References:

1. Avoid ‘overvaluing’ your child to prevent narcissism. (2015, March 11). Retrieved from http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/290687.php
2. Collins, N. (2013, February 12). Praise children’s effort, not their intelligence. Retrieved from http://www.telegraph.co.uk/education/educationnews/9862693/Praise-childrens-effort-not-their-intelligence.html

It might surprise you to hear this, but I think you might be on to something in seeking self-acceptance. While I do not think that you should accept that your current circumstances and perspectives are all that you can ever hope for, it is very difficult to change deeply held beliefs about yourself. Leaping right to changing these beliefs might feel impossible and therefore fruitless. So, for now, you might simply accept that these are the beliefs that you currently have about yourself. Your next step could then be to fully explore these beliefs. Try to understand where they came from and how they are impacting your life. Partnering with a therapist to engage in this exploration could be very helpful.

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Often, the destructive beliefs we have about ourselves and the negative behaviors we engage in served a purpose for us at one time. For example, a child who is routinely told that he is no good and worthless might learn to believe this over time as a means of minimizing the shock and hurt that he feels when he is criticized. This child might also learn to keep people at a distance so that he does not risk being hurt by them, too. These coping mechanisms might help this child survive and make it into adulthood, but if he continues to hold these beliefs about himself and keep people at a distance, he will likely be quite lonely and unhappy. Working with a therapist might help you to identify the purpose that your beliefs once served and determine whether they are still necessary.

As for an exploration of how these beliefs are impacting your life now, consider some of the following questions: Do these beliefs prevent you from doing things socially? Do they interfere with your ability to succeed professionally? Do they create conflict in the relationships you have? Do they stop you from engaging in hobbies? Now, imagine you could somehow send these beliefs on a vacation for a day—they would just get up, leave you and be gone for the day. How might you feel without these beliefs about yourself? How would you spend this day? Who would you interact with? What would you do? Tapping into even a glimmer of what life could be like in the absence of these beliefs can arm you with the inspiration and hope you need to take some steps toward healing.

All my best,
Sarah

We’ve all heard that life’s problems don’t disappear because of a romantic relationships. But according to a new German study, love really might conquer all. Researchers found that positive romantic relationships can help stabilize people who tend toward neurosis. Neuroticism is dismissed by many in the mental health community; many mental health professionals see that it pathologizes personality traits, reducing mental health issues to an overall personality flaw. For the purposes of this article, we are recognizing neuroticism as a collection of traits including anxiety, insecurity, low self-esteem, and unhappiness.

The Study

Psychologists have long viewed neuroticism as a relatively stable personality trait. People who score high on measures of neuroticism tend to continue to score high months and even years later. But researchers wanted to see how a romantic relationship affected people who tended to be labeled neurotic. They followed 245 couples ranging in age from 18 to 30 for three months.

Using questionnaires, researchers identified some participants as having neurotic tendencies, then asked participants about their relationship satisfaction. Because people with neurotic tendencies often react negatively to everyday events, researchers also presented participants with various scenarios and asked them to evaluate how these scenarios might affect their relationships.

Researchers found that, as the duration of a romantic relationship increases, the negative reactions that people reported on questionnaires decreased. The researchers speculate that this may be because a romantic relationship increases the frequency of positive emotions, and that this process can help people with neurotic tendencies unlearn negative emotions.

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Will Romance Treat Anxiety?

The prospect that romance can treat anxiety and negativity is a promising one. However, researchers only looked at people in a romantic relationship. They did not evaluate whether the positive effects continued after the relationship ends, and this leaves open another avenue for potential future research.

It’s also important to note that rushing into a relationship is still not a good treatment for anxiety. The study only looked at people in relatively stable, healthy relationships. The results might look much different for people in abusive or unhappy couples, and the effects of such a relationship on an already anxious person could be even more pronounced.

We already know, for example, that a bad relationship can lead to physical illness, so people with neurotic tendencies shouldn’t pursue relationships solely to “cure” their anxiety. Ultimately, this study is part of a mounting body of research that shows that a healthy relationship yields healthy results.

References:

1. Hodgekiss, A. (2013, February 18). How a bad relationship can make you ill—by damaging your immune system. Retrieved from http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2280629/Being-anxious-relationship-make-ill–damaging-immune-system.html
2. Love makes you strong: Romantic relationships help neurotic people stabilize their personality. (2014, May 9). Retrieved from http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2014/05/140509074114.htm

“When you wish upon a star,
Makes no difference who you are.
Anything your heart desires
Will come to you.”

“When You Wish Upon a Star” is a song written by Leigh Harline and Ned Washington for Walt Disney’s 1940 adaptation of Pinocchio.

Over the past few years a relatively new tool has changed how people manage their own destinies. The tool, called a vision board, is created to represent in a visual manner what a person wants in life. The practice suggests that visualization can lead to the realization of goals. This is a helpful and therapeutic technique for people as they work on goal-oriented outcomes.

Vision boards are collages of images, photographs, and phrases glued or taped to a surface like a poster board. Your selection of items on your board typically represents the dreams you want to materialize in your life. The idea behind the board stems from the reasonable hypothesis that positive thinking leads to a positive outcome. Positive thinking is one result, but the process of creating an inspiring vision and working toward it creates the energetic vibration to manifest it.

We all can agree that a positive outlook is a precursor to positive results in one’s life, but how exactly can the imagery you choose on your board make things happen? The premise of this increasingly popular tool suggests that if you glue a picture of your favorite house from a magazine onto your vision board, you will enable the dream or fantasy to become a future reality. Your vision can be anything from a house to a new car, or something of a more personal nature like fostering a new relationship. All things on the board are what you want or what you are passionate about.

The vision board speaks to the fundamental principles of the Law of Attraction. The basic tenet offered by the Law of Attraction is that a person can attract anything into their lives by “being” more of the emotional vibration they wish to have. By choosing images or phrases the person can begin igniting their emotions with a passion that will lead inevitably to the manifestation of those things they desire.

[fat_widget_right]When working with clients, this can support them to focus on the positive emotions associated with those images. Therapists will inevitability have opportunities to work with whatever resistances come up and support people to work through them. Emotional Freedom Technique is one such method for working with resistance within the Law of Attraction principles.

The vision board has been popularized in recent years by the enormously successful publication of the book The Secret. The Secret, a best seller from 2006, is a self-help book written by Rhonda Byrne. The book is based on a film of the same name. Both the book and the film promote the Law of Attraction and the power of positive thinking. As the official website of The Secret states on its home page, “Everything is possible, nothing is impossible.” In the actual film, success expert John Assaraf tells his story of using vision boards to realize his dreams.

Its proponents from the self-help field have embraced the tool. Christine Bagley-Jones, a psychologist from Brisbane, sees vision boards as a motivational tool. “It’s not like the vision board itself has some magical properties. But it helps to create a platform for the individual to identify and conceptualize what they most want in life, and through their actions they can then manifest it.”

The tool has been adopted by a variety of disciplines in the self-help field, including art therapy. Advocates insist vision boards can help people build self-esteem, teach goal setting and prioritizing, and make individuals more proactive.

Carolyn Mehlomakulu, a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Registered Art Therapist, states on her Creativity in Therapy blog, “Through the process of choosing my images, I was able to clarify my goals and hopes, think about what I consider truly important in my life, open my mind to the possibility of having the life and business that I want, and inspire myself to keep moving forward.”

I also have a vision board that I’m always working on. It supports what I believe in, what I want to manifest in my life, and primarily how I want to feel. I also notice that my vision board has things on it that I don’t want on it—things I’m not interested in attracting: reminders, a phone list, a business card, etc. Note to self: keep your vision board clean of distractions! As you grow so will your vision board change and grow with you.

Not everyone is into the joy of creating their own vision boards. There are detractors who see the practice of using boards as counterproductive. Some argue that people who use vision boards spend too much time in the fantasy and not enough time establishing a realistic plan to achieve them. Troubled by the reliance on the cultural forced feedings of positivity, some thinkers see the energy in this area of thought as a waste of time.

Barbara Ehrenreich, a much respected writer, states, “Besides, the constant effort of maintaining optimism in the face of considerable counterevidence is just too damn much work. Optimism training, affirmations, and related forms of self-hypnosis are a burden that we can finally, in good conscience, set down. They won’t make you richer or healthier, and, as we should have learned by now, they can easily put you in harm’s way. The threats that we face, individually and collectively, won’t be solved by wishful thinking but by a clear-eyed commitment to taking action in the world.” Hard work has to be an integral part of the vision. Accepting the possibility of failure is equally important as it teaches significant life lessons.

It is how you use the board that matters. Working with resistances, enjoying the dream, and taking action are all part of the vision board process. It is clear that vision boards are valid tools with therapeutic value to a great many people. Equally apparent are the critics who claim users are only setting themselves up for failure if their vision boards become wallpaper.

The real answer lies more likely somewhere in between the opposing arguments. No one should ever tell anyone not to dream. Just remember there’s always some sweat and tears. The vision board is an expressive tool to support your “being” attractive in attracting the things you most desire.

I’ll leave you with this final quote from Bob Doyle:

“The sooner you can move from ‘trying to be’ to actually ‘being,’ the sooner you will see your desire fulfilled.”

References:

1. Loo, Tristan.How to Use a Vision Board to Activate the Law of Attraction. Retrieved from: http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/How_to_Use_a_Vision_Board_to_Activate_the_Law_of_Attraction.html. Retrieved on: 19/04/2014.
2. Byrne, Rhonda. The Secret. Retrieved from: http://thesecret.tv/. Retrieved on: 22/04/2014.
3. Doyle, B. (2011). “Follow Your Passion, Find Your Power.” Charlottesville, VA: Hampton Roads Publishing Company.
4. Body and Soul website. Why You Need a Vision Board. http://www.bodyandsoul.com.au/health/health+news/why+you+need+a+vision+board,29981. Retrieved on: 22/04/2014.
5. Mehlomakulu, Carolyn. Realizing the Future—Creating a Vision Board. Retrieved from: http://creativityintherapy.blogspot.ca/2013/02/realizing-future-creating-vision-board.html. Retrieved on: 21/04/2014.

The ongoing dispute in Congress over a recent pay equality bill has reignited discussions about discrimination in the workplace. As political pundits debate the causes of discrimination, minority groups who live with unfair treatment experience the consequences. Disparate treatment isn’t just a moral problem, though. It can also lead to serious individual and societal consequences.

No. 1: Poor Performance

People who are exposed to stereotypes about their group tend to live up to those stereotypes, often leading to poor performance. A concept called “stereotype threat” explains this phenomenon. Numerous studies have found that, when a member of a minority group is reminded of a stereotype about his or her group, that person is more likely to under-perform. A woman who reads a book claiming that women are innately bad at math immediately prior to taking a standardized test, for example, will likely do worse on the test than she otherwise would.

Stereotype threat is so strong that sometimes minorities do not even need to be reminded of a stereotype. Simply drawing attention to group membership—by asking them to check the sex or race box on a test—can trigger stereotype threat.

No. 2: Physical Health Problems

It should come as no surprise that discrimination is stressful to those who experience it. Doctors already know that stress increases the lifetime risk of heart attack, stroke, cancer, diabetes, and a host of other health and medical issues. New research suggests that discrimination-related stress may be even more dangerous.

A 2008 study found that, among African-Americans, race-related stress was a stronger predictor of health problems than other sources of stress. Such research may help shed light on ongoing health disparities between whites and blacks. On average, white men live about seven years longer than black men, and racial minorities are more vulnerable to chronic health problems and terminal illnesses. Perhaps such disparities are the direct result of a lifetime of stress.

[fat_widget_right]No. 3: Mental Health Problems

Discrimination is inherently stressful, and stress increases a person’s risk for developing depression, anxiety, and similar mental health challenges. The rates of anxiety issues are significantly higher among women than men, and women are more than twice as likely as men to develop posttraumatic stress.

While a variety of factors play a role in these differences, discrimination could be one. Women are significantly more likely to suffer abuse than men, with one in three women experiencing a sexual assault at some point in her life. Such abuse is a significant risk factor for posttraumatic stress, and may also play a role in other mental health challenges.

No. 4: Drug Use

The U.S. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration estimates that drug abuse costs in excess of $500 billion annually. Discrimination may be one factor that helps inflate this number. A 2010 study found that the experience of gender discrimination increased a woman’s likelihood of using hard drugs, even when a woman didn’t report experiencing stress as a result of such discrimination.

No. 5: Self-Sabotage

When people doubt their ability to perform well, they may develop explanations to explain poor performance that don’t harm their self-esteem. One common mechanism is self-sabotage. For example, a student who worries about his ability to do well on a math test might go out drinking the night before so that he can blame his poor performance on a hangover. Several recent studies have shown that the experience of discrimination increases the likelihood of self-sabotage.

One of the most unfortunate consequences of of discrimination is that they may serve to increase discrimination. A minority student who repeatedly sabotages himself may be blamed for his under-performance, even when such self-sabotage is his way of coping with racism. A woman who experiences sexual violence might develop posttraumatic stress or turn to drugs.

Such mental health consequences could then be used to justify denying the woman resources or opportunities. By becoming more aware of the risks of discrimination, it’s possible to minimize its effects and steadily work toward a world free of oppression.

References:

1. Chakraborty, A. (2002). Does racial discrimination cause mental illness? The British Journal of Psychiatry, 180(6), 475-477. doi: 10.1192/bjp.180.6.475
2. Discrimination may harm your health. (2012, January 16). Retrieved from http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2012/01/120112134332.htm
3. Fox, M. (2012, April 17). Study shows why US blacks die younger. Retrieved from http://www.nationaljournal.com/healthcare/study-shows-why-us-blacks-die-younger-20120417
4. Physiological & psychological impact of racism and discrimination for African-Americans. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.apa.org/pi/oema/resources/ethnicity-health/racism-stress.aspx
5. Ro, A., & Choi, K. (2010). Effects of gender discrimination and reported stress on drug use among racially/ethnically diverse women in Northern California. Women’s Health Issues, 20(3), 211-218. doi: 10.1016/j.whi.2010.02.002
6. Substance abuse prevention dollars and cents: A cost-benefit analysis [PDF]. (2008). Washington, D.C.: Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.
7. What are the consequences of stereotype threat? (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.reducingstereotypethreat.org/consequences.html
8. Women, trauma, and PTSD. (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/PTSD-overview/women/women-trauma-and-ptsd.asp

We all have many wounds. Broken hearts, shattered dreams, abuse, and trauma all leave battle scars that may not be outwardly apparent to others, but can cause a lifetime or even generations of experiencing the same issues, as patterns are often repeated and handed down as part of the family legacy.

The pain sustained throughout the years frequently leads us to develop defensive shields that serve to protect our vulnerable hearts from being wounded once again. And yet, this outer armor ends up not only closing us off from others, but also ultimately from the beauty and wonder of our own souls.

As a psychotherapist working from a depth perspective, I have been fascinated and privileged to have been able to witness the soul at work every day in my interactions with clients, as well as out in the world. The soul always strives to attain a state of wholeness or unity and seeks to reestablish harmony when an imbalance exists.

For example, I have frequently noticed that individuals with deep inner wounds often spend a lot of time engaged in outer pursuits in order to avoid looking within and facing the discomfort that they feel, yet at the same time they often experience a deep yearning for something more meaningful in their lives. If the gap between their inner and outer state becomes too painful to bear, they may finally feel compelled to explore their inner world through some type of creative endeavor, spiritual practice, or by entering into an empathic therapeutic relationship. This type of inner work can lead to an inner transformation that creates a more balanced perspective.

One of our fundamental needs as human beings is to be deeply heard and understood. When we experience pain in silence, we tend to feel cut off and separated from others and unable to enter into satisfying relationships. Unfortunately, as we grow up, we are taught that certain aspects of ourselves are unacceptable and unlovable, which in turn leads us to feel different from others.

We therefore start to reject those traits and identify only with the characteristics that are deemed pleasing to others in order to try to fit in. But deep down, we are aware of this inner conflict that is going on between our outer persona and our inner authentic being, which can lead us to feel unworthy of love and disconnected from ourselves and from others. In order to heal, we often require the presence of an empathic other to help us to examine more closely the inner dynamic that has been occurring.

Soul work involves shining a light inward in order to begin to integrate more and more aspects of our being that we have learned to repress. Individuals who have gone through trauma or abuse especially can end up with deep scars that lead to feelings of unworthiness, low self-esteem, and fear of true intimacy. They frequently learn to hide their true nature behind a false self as an adaptive measure designed to protect them from the trauma or abuse that they have suffered.

In so doing, they inhibit all of the characteristics that they believed to be unlovable or unwanted, but that actually make up a vital part of their essence. By turning their gaze inward, however, and exploring the aspects that they had originally rejected—often because they were deemed unacceptable or shameful—they can reconnect with their ability to love on a deep level and become more compassionate and understanding of others, as well as of themselves.

The Apaches have a legend that exemplifies this inner soul work. They believe that our spirits are born with us in the form of raw diamonds and that our goal in life is to obtain as many facets or cuts on our spiritual diamonds as possible. Each facet polishes the diamond and makes it shine a little more.

A new cut is formed every time we are faced with a problem or difficulty in our life and we use the opportunity to try to learn something new about ourselves. All of the struggles and suffering that we are faced with therefore become occasions for us to grow and fulfill our purpose for living. At death, the Apaches believe that our diamond spirit is returned to the Eye of God, to shine within the heavens for all of eternity. Each facet becomes another sparkle in the Eye of God.

In the same manner, I believe that turning our attention inward and doing our own soul work is our true purpose in life, which can lead us to experience a greater sense of wholeness and unity. By starting to look at the deeper patterns at work in the soul and how these are played out in our lives and in the world, we can begin to see our interconnectedness with all beings and things.

Each individual soul has a particular path to follow that intertwines with all of the others around it. By working to become more conscious of our own particular role and purpose in the world and how we relate to others, we can begin to heal from our sense of isolation as separate beings and come to feel that we are all truly connected on a deep soul level.

Is it so strange to want to chronicle and capture your changing visage through the years in the form of artistically altered photographs? There has been a lot of conversation in recent months surrounding people who obsessively photograph themselves and post those pictures online for all to see, otherwise known as the selfie trend.

Even we jumped on the bandwagon of speculation about what’s really going on with this phenomenon. The self is fascinating; after all, it’s who you are. We seek a deeper understanding of this inward being in a variety of ways: journaling, creative expression, conversation, counseling, and, yes, the self-portrait.

Throughout history, artists have devoted themselves to this eye-catching craft of self-understanding. Vincent Van Gogh and Frida Kahlo are just two examples of the myriad artists who became renowned for their ability to capture the self in compelling portraits.

From 1886 to 1889, Van Gogh painted over 30 canvases of himself, and Kahlo, who began her work in self-portraiture while recovering from a debilitating accident in a full body cast, produced 55. She is quoted as having said, “I paint myself because I am often alone and I am the subject I know best” (Frida Kahlo Foundation, 2002–2013).

These days, though the painted canvas is still prevalent in self-portraiture, the artistic rendering of the self via photograph is being snapped and shared by the millions—on Facebook, on Instagram, and in the professional photography world, as well. Depression, grief, loss, injury, and navigating the rises and falls of the human journey have inspired countless works of photographic art involving the photographer as subject. Following are just a few examples of this self-centered form of modern artistry—and healing.

Self-Portrait for Depression

[fat_widget_left]One man, 20-year-old Christian Hopkins, uses photography as a way of dealing with depression. His self-portraits include surreal images of several hands being trapped inside his skin, wings made with fragile materials protruding from his shoulder blades, one showing his left wing broken and in pieces, the other very sparse but intact.

He is also shown with a fabricated slit through the throat made of a zipper with strands of black yarn mimicking blood. The photos are haunting, but most importantly, Hopkins says they help him process the complicated emotional experience of his bouts of depression.

Self-Portrait for Feeling Powerless and Stuck

Ben Zank, a New York-based photographer, chronicles his feelings of “being powerless, stuck, being free again, etc.” in a series of self-portraits featuring natural elements colliding with the confining aspects of human existence. In one of these, he is shown lying face down on a paved road with the two yellow stripes running directly over his head; in another, he is trapped between two icy rocks, struggling to break free.

He also photographed himself with his head wrapped in twine and tied to a tree, as well as with lengths of twine tied around his fingers and anchored to the ground. Both of these scenes seem to reflect the experience of being stuck.

Self-Portrait for Debilitating Injuries

Following repeated knee injuries, former-dancer-turned-photographer Ingrid Endel photographs herself in stunning dance-oriented poses. The Australian artist creates surreal imagery that beautifully captures the sense of loss associated with no longer being able to perform as a dancer, as well as the joy of discovering another art form through which she can express herself.

The photographs show her body in a variety of outdoor scenes: lifting off the ground with legs wrapped in vines; leaning (or falling?) backward in a dancer’s pose with electric red cords protruding in all directions from her chest; and being enveloped in cocoon-like cobwebs while contorted on the forest floor.

Endel includes photographs of her moments of stillness in which she appears to be accepting and embracing her body as-is; one in particular shows her looking perfectly content while engaged in a stretching pose in the middle of a body of water.

Self-Portrait for Personal Change and Transformation

Another way to use the self-portrait is to process normal, yet significant, changes in life, which can become stressful if not handled healthfully. One woman, Sophia Starzenski, a photographer based in Buenos Aires, took photos of her near-naked body as she moved through pregnancy.

The photographs reveal her steadily expanding belly throughout the nine months of being with child, and the final shot shows her with two-month-old babe in arms. By capturing the raw beauty of this commonplace transformation, Starzenski presents the changing female body as a work of art—something to be celebrated and shared rather than hidden and shamed.

Self-Portrait for Illness and Grief

Still others use the self-portrait as a means of coping with insurmountable changes in the lives of their loved ones, which inevitably affect them, too. When his wife Jennifer was diagnosed with breast cancer, Angelo Merendino chose to document the experience through photographs taken mainly of his wife, although he appears in a few of them.

The series starts with the couple looking healthy and happy, drinking while sitting on a front stoop, and then lying in bed together with serene smiles and an intimate embrace. The photographs grow increasingly bleak, however, as Merendino captures his wife’s physical deterioration and eventual death on camera.

Though they depict illness, grief, and loss, the photographs also show the beauty of family coming together in trying times and of final moments treasured and savored. Following his wife’s passing, Merendino published a book of the images, The Battle We Didn’t Choose: My Wife’s Fight with Breast Cancer, and went on to start a non-profit called The Love You Share (theloveyoushare.org) as a means of providing financial assistance to women battling breast cancer.

The Tutu Project (thetutuproject.com), which “began in 2003 as a lark,” is another instance of a man using self-portrait photography to deal with life in general and eventually, with his wife’s breast cancer. When his wife Linda was diagnosed in 2006, Bob Carey began taking his ongoing photographs of himself wearing only a pink tutu to a new level. As a means of alleviating his own emotional distress and lifting Linda’s spirits, he traveled the United States—and Italy—snapping pink tutu photos in various places.

Their story inspired a video created by Deutsche Telekom in Germany (below); in it, Linda says, “It just makes me laugh, to see my husband dancing around in a pink tutu. It helps me be positive. The more I laugh, the better I feel.”

To help support other women who are in need of funds beyond what insurance provides as they navigate the breast cancer experience, the couple established The Carey Foundation in 2012 (careyfoundation.org), and they continue to spread the simple pleasure of the pink tutu in Ballerina, a hardcover collection of Bob’s self-portraits and the stories behind them.

PhotoTherapy: How Self-Portraits Heal

Judy Weiser, director of the PhotoTherapy Centre in Vancouver, British Columbia, as well as psychologist, art therapist, and author, has spent over 35 years exploring, developing, and implementing “PhotoTherapy” techniques. On the PhotoTherapy Centre’s website (phototherapy-centre.com), Weiser details extensively the therapeutic benefits of photography in its various forms.

Regarding the self-portrait as a mode of healing, she says, “Since issues connected to self-esteem, self-knowledge, self-confidence, and self-acceptance lie at the core of most clients’ problems, being able to see themselves for themselves, unfiltered by the input or feedback of others, can be a very powerful and therapeutically beneficial encounter.” She goes on to explain how this in-depth confrontation and exploration of the self through photography is known to catalyze “deep process work in therapy situations.”

Though the PhotoTherapy Centre now exists primarily as an archival collection of online information and resources, Weiser still provides training opportunities for mental health professionals in the techniques of PhotoTherapy, as well as social media support and guidance via the Centre’s Facebook group.

References:

1. Frida Kahlo Foundation. (2002–2013). Frida Kahlo biography. Retrieved from http://www.frida-kahlo-foundation.org/biography.html
2. Weiser, J. (2001–2013). The techniques of PhotoTherapy. Retrieved from http://www.phototherapy-centre.com/self_portraits.htm

Celebrities do it, regular folks of all ages do it, and several articles and blog posts have been written discussing and analyzing the fascinating trend that is the selfie. It’s a word that has become synonymous with social media, self-love, and in some cases, shocking levels of self-obsession. Justin Bieber, a pop star and trailblazer in the selfie stratosphere, is currently backing a new camera app called “Shots of Me,” which is devoted entirely to the ongoing proliferation of the selfie. And the Oxford Dictionaries Online officially dubbed “selfie” 2013’s Word of the Year.

In case you’ve managed to remain unfamiliar with the term, the selfie consists of any photo taken by the self, of the self, and then posted online, typically via social media sites like Facebook and Instagram. It’s the modern-day self-portrait, and anyone who has access to a camera and the Internet can partake. Over 31 million photos tagged with “#selfie” have been posted to Instagram to date (Walker, 2013), and according to a “nationally representative” report by the Pew Internet & American Life Project, teens are especially caught up in the selfie hype. Approximately 91% of those surveyed have posted at least one selfie (Madden et al., 2013).

Considering the very nature of social media is largely self-focused, with profiles catering to personal descriptions, interests, status updates, photos, and pretty much whatever else a person feels inclined to reveal to the masses, it doesn’t come as a huge surprise that selfies have become so popular. But their prevalence still begs the question: Why are people so obsessed with snapping photos of themselves and posting them online—and what does this say about those who do it?

Selfies: The Good …

Many theories have been shared regarding the widespread popularity of selfies, as well as the context in which some of them have been taken. Some take a more positive slant than others.

An article on Slate.com suggests that “selfies are good for girls,” as they encourage young girls, in particular, to be proud of who they are (Simmons, 2013). Author Rachel Simmons posits that despite the many advances in gender equality, many young girls still grow up with the understanding that being submissive and humble are desirable traits and that to have self-confidence is often seen as being conceited. In contrast to this, the selfie empowers females to celebrate not just their looks but also their accomplishments by shooting “tiny bursts of pride” into cyberspace, thereby encouraging other young women to do the same.

In a New York Times article, Jenna Wortham writes that the selfie is merely a mode of self-expression, and a means of communicating and connecting with others (2013). She also touches on the empowering nature of the selfie when she describes an old black-and-white photo she procured in an antique store of “a female pilot on a mountaintop,” in which the camera is most definitely being held by the woman in the photo.

Wortham stumbled upon a selfie taken decades before the word officially existed, which shows the longstanding human desire to capture ourselves in our moments of personal satisfaction and triumph, with or without the Internet.

… The Bad …

Others, however, view the selfie as a much more problematic reflection of where society stands with regard to self-obsession and sexual objectification. A recent article on Jezebel.com describes them as a “cry for help” (Ryan, 2013).

“Selfies aren’t empowering; they’re a high tech reflection of the… way society teaches women that their most important quality is their physical attractiveness,” writes Erin Gloria Ryan. A Teen Vogue article similarly delves into the “unexpected consequences of selfie-obsession” (Walker, 2013) by examining the potential dangers of a person’s sense of self-worth being tied to pictures posted online and the comments that go along with them.

Researchers in the United Kingdom recently reported that overdoing the selfies may also damage relationships, romantic and otherwise (Miller, 2013). Though it can be intriguing to see the person you’re interested in or involved with feeling confident enough to post selfies, it can also be a deterrent if that person posts too many self-portraits online. According to the researchers, friends, family members, and colleagues may feel alienated if an individual appears overly self-obsessed in social media outlets.

… And the Unsightly

Some even post selfies en route to and while attending funerals, a phenomenon so curious it has its own Tumblr blog: selfiesatfunerals.tumblr.com. The site was created by Jason Feifer, who quite simply states in his introductory video, “There’s some things a man should never do at a funeral.”

The funeral selfie trend doesn’t seem to be more popular with one sex over another; one of the photos on the site depicts a teen girl with styled hair and pouty pink lips sitting in an attention-attracting pose. The words underneath her picture read, “You never appreciate what you have til its [sic] gone. R.I.P. Grandpa, you will be missed,” followed by a sad face and a heart.

Does Selfie Analysis Promote Sexism?

Much of the discussion about selfies is centered on women and young girls who take them, regardless of the reality that plenty of teenage boys and grown men take them, too. One group of guys posted a YouTube video called the “Selfie Song” (Mippey5 Music, 2013). In it, a handful of young men take selfies in various locations and repeat the chorus, “I’m bored, so I’m gonna take a selfie. I’m obsessed. It’s unhealthy. Click, share. I don’t care that I’m a man. I’m gonna take another pic and I’m gonna post to Instagram.”

And yet, attention remains largely focused on the young girls and women who engage in selfie posting.

In September of this year, Kimberly Hall, a mother and women’s ministry leader in Austin, Texas, wrote a letter on her blog “Given Breath” to the teenage girls who post selfies. Hall expressed obvious disdain for the seductive nature of girls’ photos. “Wow—you sure took a bunch of selfies in your skimpy PJs this summer!” wrote Hall.

Although she has since removed the photo, she originally posted the letter with a picture of her three sons on the beach wearing only their swim trunks. Many readers found the photo highly inconsistent with the content of her post—even hypocritical—and following outcry, Hall replaced the photo with one that showed her sons fully clothed and smiling.

The indignant tone of the letter remains online, however. Hall shames girls who photograph themselves in their bathing suits and bedrooms and reprimands them in the name of the purity of her teenage sons. Hall didn’t mention whether her sons had any male friends who were posting summertime selfies, but considering what we know from teen selfie stats from earlier this year, she probably did see several selfie posts from young men. Were those pictures less offensive or worrisome?

Self-Obsession: Who Are You, Anyway?

Self-exploration and analysis are ongoing themes in social media, life in general, and in the field of psychotherapy. Examining our ideas of self and where they originate is a trademark of traditional therapeutic sessions, in which self-love, self-acceptance, and self-compassion are widely encouraged, and each of these traits requires time spent evaluating and developing a deeper understanding of the self.

But what about when someone is so confident—or confused—that he or she feels compelled to post constant selfies in an attempt to gain approval, attention, admiration, and validation? When does the desire to attain self-acceptance via social media shift into a potentially destructive form of self-obsession?

Studies conducted in previous years have attempted to assess whether Facebook promotes narcissism as well as the extent to which narcissistic traits are connected to low self-esteem (Parker-Pope, 2012; Tucker, 2010). In 2010, using the Narcissism Personality Inventory and the Rosenberg Self-Esteem Scale, psychology researcher Soraya Mehdizadeh measured the Facebook activity of 100 college students.

Mehdizadeh’s findings suggest that those with narcissistic behavior and those with low self-esteem are likely to spend over an hour a day on Facebook, and that those who inflate their own reputations or identity in their photos and status updates may very well be doing so to compensate for feelings of inadequacy. Along these lines, yet another concern surrounding selfies is the extent to which the images can be altered and manipulated to project a person’s ideal identity as opposed to his or her real identity.

A nationwide survey of 1,000 girls between the ages of 14 to 17, conducted in 2010 by the Girls Scouts of the USA, revealed that nearly 74% of those asked believe their female peers use social media to make themselves appear “cooler than they really are.” The survey also shared the view that most young women “downplay” their positive traits like intelligence and kindness on their social media profiles. Instead, what gets the bulk of the attention is physical appearance, as is reflected in the selfie.

Of course, the ability to create an online profile that reflects the ideal versus the real you does have a strangely enticing allure: Create a page devoted entirely to yourself; post photos on that page that reflect exactly how you want to be seen, often with carefully calculated camera angles, lighting, and edits; and share this work of social media art with whomever you  choose. In other words, you are in control of who others think you are, which may or may not be who you actually are.

Ultimately, the reality is that regardless of the authenticity or lack thereof displayed in people’s profiles, social media sites like Facebook and Instagram are well established as outlets for self-expression and social connection, and they don’t appear to be going anywhere any time soon. Perhaps some simply need a reminder to use them wisely and simmer down on the selfies. After all, there are other people who are worth photographing, too.

References:

1. Girl Scouts of the USA. (2010). Who’s that girl? Image and social media survey. (New York, NY). Retrieved from http://www.girlscouts.org/research/publications/stem/image_and_social_media_survey.asp
2. Hall, K. (2013, September 3). FYI (if you’re a teenage girl). Given Breath. Retrieved from http://givenbreath.com/2013/09/03/fyi-if-youre-a-teenage-girl/
3. Madden, M., Lenhart, A., Cortesi, S., Gasser, U., Duggan, M., Smith, A., and Beaton, M. (2013, May 21). Teens, social media, and privacy. Pew Internet & American Life Project. Retrieved from http://pewinternet.org/Reports/2013/Teens-Social-Media-And-Privacy/Summary-of-Findings.aspx
4. Miller, T. (2013, August 12). Too many selfies on Facebook can damage relationships: study. New York Daily News. Retrieved from http://www.nydailynews.com/life-style/selfies-damage-relationships-study-article-1.1424830
5. Mippey5 Music. (2013, January 22). Selfie song. YouTube

   . Retrieved from http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y_O7aM0J3CI

6. Parker-Pope, T. (2012, May 17). Does Facebook turn people into narcissists? The New York Times. Retrieved from http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/05/17/does-facebook-turn-people-into-narcissists/?_r=0
7. Ryan, E. G. (2013, November 22). Selfies aren’t empowering. They’re a cry for help. Jezebel.com. Retrieved from http://jezebel.com/selfies-arent-empowering-theyre-a-cry-for-help-1468965365
8. Tucker, J. H. (2010, November 2). Study of Facebook users connects narcissism and low self-esteem. Scientific American. Retrieved from http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=status-update-im-so-glamorous
9. Walker, M. (2013). The good, the bad, and the unexpected consequences of selfie-obsession. Teen Vogue. Retrieved from http://www.teenvogue.com/advice/2013-08/selfie-obsession
10. Wortham, J. (2013, October 19). My selfie, myself. The New York Times. Retrieved from http://www.nytimes.com/2013/10/20/sunday-review/my-selfie-myself.html
11. Simmons, R. (2013, November 20). Selfies are good for girls. Slate.com. Retrieved from http://tinyurl.com/munjlpo

Because technology looms around us, it has become a central part of how we communicate with friends, family, and even strangers. Communication goes beyond verbal or written messages; it extends to the way we portray our lives through social media. Instagram, Facebook, Pinterest, and whatever other social media tools you use all have the ability to portray the pieces of your life that you choose to be public. This social media game has left many of us wondering how we add up to the next person, which in turn can cause a negative impact on our self-esteem. It has also allowed us to focus too much on a fake world or version of ourselves, while losing the momentum to make real changes and growth.

This phenomenon is rapidly increasing. Not only do we feed into people’s images of themselves on social media, but we also feed into our own. How many times have you seen someone stop an incredible moment to snap a picture? Yes, we have all done it. After a few filters and uploads it seems to make us think we are capturing the moment, but by doing so we are frequently losing the real moments. It is incredibly important that we do not lose the ability to focus on the life we are living versus the life we have on display through social media.

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We frequently read status updates about how amazing someone’s partner is, when the truth is they often may be apart and fighting. We see pictures that are airbrushed and filtered, while the subjects seem to look run-down in person. We see the singles out and about, partying and having fun, but we don’t process how it actually feels behind the scenes, walking in to an empty home. We view wedding pictures and glorify relationships, but have no idea how much work it takes to make the relationship function. We envy pregnancy photos but have no clue of the struggle the couple may have gone through just to get pregnant. We are all viewing highlight reels of people’s lives, and it’s very easy to get sucked into glorifying them all while putting ourselves down.

Want to try to break this cycle? I’ve come up with five definitive ways you can stop comparing yourself to others and start embracing your life:

1. Understand the reality of other people’s lives. It is not to bash others; it is to understand that we all struggle, we all have ugly days, and we all have our issues. There is no perfect relationship, life path, career, or body, because we all have our own personal challenges. Maybe they are not the same, but they do exist, so remind yourself that the end of the day the only thing we all have in common with each other is struggle.
2. Stop wasting your energy and time on comparison. If you took all the time that you use to scroll through your ex’s wedding photos, cried, and talked bad about him or her, and instead put that toward working on what is holding you back from moving forward, you could be a much happier person. If you start to use your time constructively to work on yourself, your goals, and your relationships, chances are you will not even have the time to waste on the glorification of others’ lives.
3. Stop bending the truth to others. What is the point of telling everyone your relationship is perfect? I am not saying you have to go chatting about everything that is wrong in your relationship, but there is an element of truth and realness that allows you to be vulnerable and truly connect, whether it is with yourself, your partner, or your friends. If you are pretending you live in fantasy land, I would imagine that the stress of keeping up that image is exhausting. Relax, let go, and be OK with vulnerable.
4. Embrace your imperfections. This goes beyond what you are telling others; this is how you are viewing your own life. If you are incredibly hard on yourself, you have to learn to be a better friend to YOU. If you are ignoring the challenges in your life, they will tend to pop up in other unhealthy ways. So face them. Whatever it is, don’t be afraid of it, and don’t be afraid to own it and work on it.
5. Be happy with imperfection. If you were truly perfect, and your relationship was perfect, and your job was perfect, what would be the point of progressing forward in any way? We grow and learn through struggle and life lessons. Relationship challenges are incredible mirrors to our own personal struggles, and can allow us to truly feel whole if we embrace it. The way we handle failure is a fabulous character trait that we all need to work on. Just because life isn’t perfect does not mean you can’t enjoy it and be happy. The only way to truly value your strengths is to be vulnerable and own your weaknesses, as one day that in itself may become your strength.

The next time you find yourself losing a moment to be on your phone, or feeding into someone’s life via Facebook, take a step back. Use these five steps, and they will allow you to learn how to balance this new world.