I have 5-year-old twin daughters. For the sake of privacy, I’ll call them Mary and Martha. Mary is sensitive, nurturing, deeply compassionate, and easily distracted. Martha is industrious and won’t stop until the job is done. She is brave and matter-of-fact. I love my girls to the moon. And they often drive me nuts.

They are both very bold with their Daddy when he is impatient and impertinent. Mary delivers an emotional appeal—“Daddy, you hurt my feelings”—with wobbly intonation. Martha pronounces a directive—“Daddy, you should not talk rough to me!”—with assertive decree.

In moments of irritability, I react impulsively and act at the whim of my own anxiety. I still have a long way to grow. As parents, we must remember that the most effective discipline is disciplined parenting.

The Harvard Family Research Project defines responsive parenting as “the use of warm and accepting behaviors to respond to children’s needs and signals” (2012). Becoming increasingly responsive as a parent requires not only an incredible dose of humility but a fullness of perspective.

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Responsive parenting requires attunement to your unique child. Yet here I propose seven general principles which I believe are consistently applicable to children of any age or temperament.

1. Show Love, Without Condition

First things first—make sure, without a shadow of a doubt, that your children know that you love them unconditionally, that no matter what they do or how circumstances change, you love them. Providing unconditional love is a prerequisite to the success of rules, expectations, and all the rest.

I am grateful to Dr. Gary Chapman for the simple profundity of his “five love languages.” There are five basic ways we give and receive affection: time, touch, words, acts, and gifts; we are each wired more or less in ways that affect which of these modes of affection mean the most to us.

I find there is always fantastic nuance in the linguistics of love. My daughter Mary feels highly connected to me when I give her nurturing massage. Martha feels highly connected to me when I block her karate chop, swipe her legs out from under her, and tackle her to the ground.

When we show love in our child’s unique language, we maximize the impact of our affections and fortify a secure base. Be a scientist, and experiment to learn what fills your child’s bucket. Then multiply to infinity.

2. Order Up Expectations, Sans the Egotism

Share your convictions firmly but without unnecessary rigidity. Remain open-minded, and share your thought process, even aspects of your own ambivalence. Your children will come to respect your authenticity and gain in cognitive and emotional depth. When you do choose to pick a battle, the credibility you may have gained in the process of compromising on nonessentials may be leveraged against a non-negotiable.

3. More Carrot, Less Stick

Catch your children doing the right thing, and do not miss opportunities to affirm a child’s acts of love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control. Cultivate virtue by feeding, watering, and lighting the growth of character and integrity.

Also, work hard to nurture your bond with them, and you may find yourself less on the proverbial parenting soap box and less engaged in punitive discipline.

Mary and Martha love when I read them stories. We’re currently halfway through The Horse and His Boy on a quest to finish all seven books of The Chronicles of Narnia this summer. They know that if they have any chance for an extra chapter or two tonight, most of their toys must be neatly stored by bedtime hour.

4. Feed Connection, Starve Reaction

Your children want to know and to be connected with you, to know that you know them and want to be connected with them. It’s easy to miss this simple yet weighty truth as we grind out the day-to-day. Pour out affirmation and interest, and slow down reaction to mistakes and misbehavior.

Confront your children about issues for which you find yourself curious or concerned. Have direct and open conversations. Prioritize relationship over reaction, connection over compliance.

Do not present yourself as aggressive or unmovable. Observe and respond to your children’s perceptions and perspective. Do not just listen to yourself think and talk. Listen to them. Then, if necessary, remain resolute in clarifying limits and reassert your love.

5. Be Playful, Ditch the Digital

Let’s face it: we live in the digital age. And, whatever its virtues, it has waned our capacity for responsive attunement to our children’s tireless energies and budding desires. It is undeniable that learning as well as bonding best occurs when there is a significant component of play and reciprocal interaction.

A few weeks ago, my daughters were restless for fun, so I turned a couple of couches on their side and engineered a magnificent tent with an assortment of rods, a ladder, blankets, pillows, and a string of lights. That tent stayed up for weeks and prompted our adventure into Narnia. They will remember this forever.

6. Foster Wonder, Deter Gloom

We must teach our children how to think and feel, connect and create, and incite their wonder. We must find the time to attempt real answers to their insatiable questions and pose our own in return. Let us fearlessly lead our children in conversations of beauty and purpose and death. Life itself is the essence of wonder.

We don’t teach our children how to play. Rather, an innate curiosity and creativity drives their wildly imaginative masquerades into make-believe. Such creativity is a catalyst for competency. It deters boredom and gloom and promotes resilience. Yet many of us inhibit our children’s play, to their detriment.

7. Reward Competence, Discourage Vanity

Your children want to be awesome, just like you. Teach them everything you can about the world so that they will gain insight, and teach them everything you can about how the world works so that they will gain skill. Insight and skill are precursors to self-worth. Baseless praise is not. Neither is praise of outer appearance.

For instance, that Mary and Martha are pretty girls is a distraction from Mary’s early promotion in swim class and Martha’s success in cooking up scrambled eggs all by herself. Praise of externals risks an infusion of vanity. When I praise what they have genuinely done well, I excite self-worth and stir courage for more.

Reference:
Landry, S. H., Smith, K. E., Swank, P. R., Zucker, T., Crawford, A. D., and Solari, E. F. (2012, March 15). The effects of a responsive parenting intervention on parent–child interactions during shared book reading. Developmental Psychology. Advance online publication. doi: 10.1037/a0026400. Retrieved from http://www.hfrp.org/family-involvement/publications-resources/the-effects-of-a-responsive-parenting-intervention-on-parent-child-interactions-during-shared-book-reading

They are frightening, disturbing, inconvenient, and happen when you are supposed to be rejuvenating your body and brain: the nightmares that follow a traumatic experience.

Nightmares are quite common among people who have experienced a traumatic event. The aftereffects of a nightmare often follow them into the next day, which can affect their emotional well-being and ability to function. Nightmares can be quite scary and negatively impact the amount of restful sleep a person is getting. They can feel like one is re-experiencing the traumatic event, and the thought of going to sleep can become anxiety-provoking. The less sleep a person gets, the more difficult it is for the brain to process a traumatic event and file it away correctly. Sometimes the symptoms that are present due to trauma are the very barriers that get in the way of a person’s ability to heal.

The Function of Dreams

According to Hartmann (1996), one theory regarding the function of dreaming is that it allows the brain to make connections more efficiently and effectively than the conscious mind. In other words, it is the time when the brain reviews information that has been observed and then sorts and organizes it in a way that makes sense.

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Hartmann (1998) also states that dreaming is a way for the brain to work through trauma, and the dreams are often based on the main emotion the person experienced during the trauma or experiences when they recall the trauma. This is important to the healing process but, as discussed above, can be problematic when the person’s nightmares interfere with their sleep and their ability to function day-to-day. According to Leskin et al. (2002), people who had a diagnosis of posttraumatic stress had a significantly higher rate of sleep problems. They state that 96% of participants in their study who were diagnosed with PTSD experienced nightmares and 100% experienced insomnia.

So what can a person do to work through unwanted trauma nightmares?

1. Keep track of your dreams and nightmares and discuss them with your therapist. Dreams can contain information that is significant in therapy work. I often encourage people in therapy to write down the basic themes of their dreams and nightmares so we can investigate their significance to the trauma treatment work we are doing. I often find that the information gathered from dreams is directly related to the themes that are increasing or continuing the disturbance related to trauma (for example, a sense of helplessness).
2. Develop coping and self-soothing skills. Practice self-soothing and anxiety-reduction techniques before sleep and/or if you wake up from a nightmare. Continue self-soothing throughout the day as needed to deal with the aftereffects of a nightmare. Some of the tools people in therapy have found most useful include guided meditations, body scans, progressive muscle relaxation, and mindfulness exercises. Another tool that many find particularly useful is called “container.” Essentially, the person experiencing the disturbance creates a container (real or imagined) wherein they can keep the things that bother them most (thoughts about the event, flashbacks, or even the nightmares or other disturbing material) until a time when he or she able to sort through the material with his or her therapist. When the disturbing material comes up, the person can allow whatever it is to go into container until therapy, where we can decide what should be addressed. Some containers that are common are safes, boxes, vaults, and jars. The container should have a lid or door of some type. A person can imagine this container in the form of a picture in the mind and imagine the disturbing material going into the container. Alternately, the person can have a physical container and write down the disturbing material on a piece of paper and then place it in the container.
3. Don’t stay in bed if you can’t sleep. Often, when awakened from a nightmare, going back to sleep may be difficult. Also, the act of initially going to sleep may be anxiety-provoking for fear that the nightmares or other symptoms the person may be experiencing will return. If you are not able to go to sleep in a reasonable amount of time, get up and do something self-soothing. It may take time before sleep comes, but it is better to engage in self-soothing exercises than to get yourself worked up and more anxious because sleep won’t come.
4. Make changes to your sleep environment to avoid associating anxiety with the place you sleep. When a person has repeated nightmares, the sleep environment may become a trigger for anxiety and other trauma symptoms. Making changes to the sleep environment, such as moving furniture around, getting new bedding, or changing the decor, may be helpful in starting with a clean slate when it comes to sleep.
5. Remind yourself that your brain is trying to heal. Healing is not always a comfortable process and it takes time. As uncomfortable as nightmares are, your brain is giving you the information it needs you to work through. Nightmares can bring to light issues that you may have been unaware of during your awake time. Work with a therapist so you do not feel alone in this process. A therapist can normalize what you are going through and can help you to process your symptoms in a way that may make them less overwhelming.

References:

1. Hartmann, E. (1996). Outline for a theory on the nature and functions of dreaming. Dreaming, 6(2), pp 147-170.
2. Hartmann, E. (1998). Nightmare after trauma as a paradigm for all dreams: A new approach to the nature and functions of dreaming. Psychiatry: Interpersonal and Biological Processes, 61(3), pp223-238.
3. Leskin, G.A., Woodward, S.H., Young, H.E., and Sheikh, J.I. (2002). Effects of comorbid diagnoses on sleep disturbance in PTSD. Journal of Psychiatric Research, 36(6), pp 449-452.

Editor’s note: Tayyab Rashid, PhD, CPsych, is a clinical psychologist at the University of Toronto in Scarborough. His continuing education presentation for GoodTherapy.org, titled Positive Psychotherapy: The Application of Positive Psychology in Clinical Settings, is scheduled for 9 a.m. PDT on June 20. This event, free to GoodTherapy.org members, is good for two CE credits. For details, or to register, please click here.

Positive psychotherapy (PPT) is a therapeutic endeavor of the contemporary movement of positive psychology. While the traditional therapies target symptoms and positive interventions target strengths, PPT systematically amplifies positive resources; specifically, positive emotions, character strengths, meaning, positive relationships, and intrinsically motivated accomplishments. Positive psychotherapy neither suggests that other psychotherapies are negative nor is meant to replace empirically validated treatments. PPT is about redesigning the therapeutic landscape—allocating equal attention and effort to positives as much to negatives. It is meant to be an incremental change to balance therapeutic focus on strengths and weaknesses.

Focusing exclusively on negatives or positives in psychotherapy might be easier. But integrating both to strike a balance that captures the essence of the people we treat is challenging, if not impossible. PPT attempts to integrate symptoms with strengths, risks with vulnerabilities, weaknesses with virtues, and deficits with skills to discern inherent complexities of people in a balanced way. This doesn’t reduce people to mere conglomerate of syndromes nor enhances them to embodiments of strengths.

Positive psychotherapy acknowledges that, all things being equal, the human brain is not defaulted to neutral. It attends and responds more strongly to negatives than to positives. Psychopathology exacerbates this propensity. Cultivation of positives for people in therapy, therefore, becomes even harder, and dwelling on negatives easier. However, if psychotherapy can create a process, help people to rise above their default and learn to attend and amplify their positives, it could not only eliminate symptoms but also engender well-being. The toughest challenges of life require exploring and using the toughest internal resources, which in turn build resilience.

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Therefore, PPT’s central premise is that accentuation of strengths, along with amelioration of symptoms, is a better therapeutic approach. Much like health is better than sickness, security is better than fear, relaxation is better than stress, co-operation is better than conflict, and hope is better than despair. Indeed, there are exceptions when negatives may be more appropriate, but generally, positives are more adaptive and functional than negatives.

Positive psychotherapy is based on three assumptions. First, people inherently desire growth, fulfillment, and happiness instead of just seeking to avoid misery, worry, and anxiety. Psychopathology engenders when the growth is thwarted. Second, positive resources such as strengths are authentic and as real as symptoms and disorders. These are not defenses, Pollyanna-ish illusions, or clinical byproducts of symptom relief that lie at the clinical peripheries without needing attention. The final assumption is that effective therapeutic relationships can be formed through the discussion and manifestation of positive resources, not just thorough lengthy analysis of weaknesses and deficits.

PPT is primarily based on Seligman’s notion of happiness and well-being (Seligman, 2002 and 2012). Seligman parses highly subjective notions of happiness and well-being into five scientifically measurable and manageable components: (1) positive emotion, (2) engagement, (3) relationships, (4) meaning, and (5) accomplishment, with the first letters of each component forming the mnemonic PERMA (Seligman, 2011). These elements are neither exhaustive nor exclusive, but it has been shown that fulfillment in these elements is associated with lower rates of depression and higher life satisfaction (Bertisch et al., 2014; Headey, Schupp, Tucci, and Wagner, 2010; Sirgy and Wu, 2009).

It should also be noted that Peseschkian in Germany has also worked on positive psychotherapy for more than 20 years and is distinct from PPT discussed here. Peseschkian’s approach to therapy is inherently and systematically integrative, incorporating cross-cultural, multidisciplinary, therapeutically, and psychologically inter-theoretic (Peseschkian, 2000). PPT, on the other hand, is rooted in the current movement of positive psychology.

PPT can be divided into three phases (see Table 1). The first phase focuses on helping people to articulate a balanced narrative and by exploring their strengths from multiple perspectives. Personally meaningful goals are framed using strengths of people in therapy. The middle phase focuses on cultivating positive emotions and confronting, in a supportive way, negative memories, experiences, and feelings which keep people stuck—thwarting their growth. The final phase focuses on exploring positive relationships and facilitating processes which nurture these relationships, and on exploring meaning and purpose.

Throughout the course of PPT, people explore their strengths and gradually take deeper dives to reflect, introspect, acknowledge, attribute, and amplify them, without dismissing, minimizing, or overlooking their problems. For example, PPT engages people in discussions about, say, an injustice done whilst also focusing on recent acts of kindness. Similarly, along with insults, hubris, and hate, experiences of genuine praise, humility, and harmony are deliberately elicited. Pain associated with the trauma is empathetically attended to whilst also exploring the potential for growth. A critical component of this integration is to help people learn ways to use their strengths to solve problems that might be maintaining their symptoms. People are encouraged to develop practical wisdom and psychological flexibility through the careful consideration of which signature strength is relevant to the problem, whether it conflicts with other strengths (e.g., should one be honest or kind?), and translate abstract signature strengths into concrete attainable and sustainable actions and habits (Kashdan and Rottenberg, 2010).

PPT has been empirically validated through 13, albeit small, pilot studies, including eight randomized and five nonrandomized studies conducted by using a PPT manual, treating depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, and borderline personality. Results of these studies show that PPT is effective, with moderate effect sizes in reducing symptoms and enhancing well-being. PPT does equally well when compared with well-established treatments such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) or dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). For a summary of these studies, please see Rashid (in press; Rashid and Seligman, 2013; Seligman, Rashid, and Parks, 2006).

Exercises in PPT work due to a number of factors. For example, these exercises reeducate attention, memory, and expectations away from the negative and catastrophic, and toward the positive and optimistic outcomes. For example, when a person keeps a gratitude journal, the bias toward ruminating only about what has gone wrong is counteracted. The person is more likely to end the day remembering positive events and completions, rather than troubles and unfinished business. Similarly, the gratitude visit may shift a person’s memory away from the unfavorable aspects of past relationships to savoring the good things about interactions with friends and family. This reeducation of attention, memory, and expectation is accomplished verbally as well as via journal writing. The identification and use of signature strengths allows people to think more deeply about their positive qualities, which is likely to bolster self-confidence and prepares them to better handle adversities.

Like any therapeutic endeavor, PPT is not immune from triggering or even causing negative and uncomfortable emotions. For example, awareness of strengths may be uplifting, but this could be dampened by realization that surrounding environments are not conducive to express, use, or enhance these strengths. People may also feel uncomfortable that they are kind, forgiving, and prudent. However, these very strengths may be taken for granted by others. The therapist attends and attunes to nuances of strength expressions and invites creativity to develop insights and prepares people to behave differently and more adaptively. Thus, PPT, despite its apparent emphasis on positives, is not exclusively about positives. Rather, it is about developing refined understanding of integration of positives and negatives.

Positive psychology in general is criticized for overlooking negatives. It would be naive and utopian to conceive of a life without negative experiences. As such, PPT does not deny negative emotions nor encourage people to see the world through rose-colored glasses. Rather, it aims to validate these experiences, whilst gently encouraging people to explore their effects and seek out potential positives from difficult and traumatic experiences. During these explorations, the therapist needs to be careful to avoid offering empty platitudes, such as pointing out the positive opportunities that trauma, loss, or adversity may present for a person’s development and growth. Amid the warmth, understanding, and goodwill created in the therapeutic milieu of PPT, listening mindfully and facilitating affective expression allows the therapist to help people explore, reflect upon, and notice both successes and setbacks. In so doing, people can learn how to encounter negative experiences with a more positive mind-set and reframe and label those experiences in ways that are helpful. By working diligently to articulate the genuine and authentic positives of a person’s experience, the PPT therapist does not create a Pollyanna-ish or Pangloss-ian epitome of happiness or a caricature of positive thinking. The therapist neither minimizes, nor masks as positives, unavoidable negative events and experiences such as abuse, neglect, and suffering. Such issues are dealt with in PPT using standard clinical protocols.

In conducting PPT, some caveats are in order. First, PPT is not prescriptive. It is a descriptive approach based on converging scientific evidence which documents the benefits of attending to the positive aspects of human experience. Second, PPT is not a panacea, nor is it appropriate for all people in all situations. It is not a “one-size-fits-all” approach. Furthermore, in PPT, therapists should not expect a linear progression of improvement, as the motivation to change long-standing behavioral and emotional patterns fluctuates during the course of therapy. Finally, rigorous outcome studies are needed to extrapolate generalizability and articulate the role of mediating variables.

Table 1: Positive Psychotherapy (PPT): An Overview of PPT Model

References:

1. Bertisch, H., Rath, J., Long, C., Ashman, T., and Rashid, T. (2014). Positive psychology in rehabilitation medicine: A brief report. Neuro Rehabilitation. doi:10.3233/NRE-141059
2. Headey, B., Schupp, J., Tucci, I., and Wagner, G. G. (2010). Authentic happiness theory supported by impact of religion on life satisfaction: A longitudinal analysis with data for Germany. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 5, 73–82.
3. Kashdan, T. B., and Rottenberg, J. (2010). Psychological flexibility as a fundamental aspect of health. Clinical Psychology Review, 30, 865–878.
4. Peseschkian, N. (2000). Positive Psychotherapy. New Delhi: Sterling Publishers.
5. Rashid, T. (in press). Positive Psychotherapy: A strength-based approach. Journal of Positive Psychology.
6. Rashid, T., and Seligman, M. E. P. (2013). Positive Psychotherapy. In D. Wedding and R. J. Corsini (Eds.), Current Psychotherapies. Pp. 461-498. Belmont, CA: Cengage.
7. Seligman, M. E. P. (2011). Flourish: A visionary new understanding of happiness and well-being. New York: Simon & Schuster.
8. Seligman, M. E., Rashid, T., and Parks, A. C. (2006). Positive psychotherapy. American Psychologist. 61, 774-788.doi: 10.1037/0003-066X.61.8.774
9. Sirgy, M. J., and Wu, J. (2009). The pleasant life, the engaged life, and the meaningful life: What about the balanced life? Journal of Happiness Studies, 10, 183–196.

Hypnosis is often recognized as being used by performers in comedy or entertainment and is typically seen as fun and harmless in those situations. However, hypnosis has a broader application when used in helping practices. Essentially, there are three main platforms for hypnosis:

1. Hypnosis used for entertainment.

2. Hypnosis is used by a person trained in specialized uses, such as helping people to stop smoking, manage weight, or deal with sleeping problems.

3. Hypnosis is used by a licensed mental health practitioner (hypnotherapist) as one of the tools in the counseling/therapeutic toolbox.

Hypnosis and hypnotherapy have an extensive history as reputable methods used the therapeutic process by trained and skilled hypnotists and hypnotherapists alike. The difference between hypnosis and hypnotherapy is that hypnosis is defined as a state of mind, while hypnotherapy is the name of the therapeutic modality in which hypnosis is used.

A trained hypnotist uses hypnosis to help people with issues such as smoking cessation and weight management, but is not licensed as to practice hypnotherapy. Hypnotherapy is practiced by a hypnotherapist who is a trained, licensed, and/or certified professional. Only a hypnotherapist may use hypnotherapy to work with such mental health concerns as phobias, stage fright, eating disorders, and certain medical conditions.

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How Does Hypnosis Work?

Hypnosis is defined as a harmless altered trance state characterized by very deep relaxation, highly focused attention, and an extreme openness to suggestions which are usually positive and foster positive therapeutic changes. However, a hypnotic trance is not necessarily therapeutic on its own. For example, when someone is driving to the mall, seemingly suddenly arrives, and is not sure exactly how he or she got there so soon, he/she has experienced an altered, hypnotic state. People may also experience this altered state when they are just beginning to fall asleep and are in a dreamy and drowsy state, aware but not completely focused—just focused enough to have a simple conversation but not remember talking at all.

When used for therapeutic approaches, specific suggestions and images given to people in a trance can alter their behavior in a positive manner. When in this state of hypnosis, you are more inclined to permanent change and more likely to be successful in making the lasting changes you desire. Almost all lasting changes happen in your subconscious mind.

Another example of how visualization in hypnosis works is when a hypnotherapist helps a person experiencing claustrophobia to visualize being in a very open space, without fear, when entering an elevator. By learning to positively visualize entering the elevator without fear, the person is often able to then do it in reality. The subconscious mind does not distinguish between a genuine experience and a suggested one. If you visualize it in a trance state, your body will react to it.

Who Can Be Hypnotized?

The simplest answer is that almost anyone can be hypnotized if they want to be. Modern research has shown that most people can be hypnotized to some degree and that the real question is how deep and to what degree they go into trance. Being able to be hypnotized is not a sign of being weak-minded, gullible, or giving up control. The ability to be hypnotized—or “hypnotizability”—is actually correlated with intelligence and the ability to have heightened awareness and focus while being in complete control.

For example, if while in a hypnotic trance you were asked to give the hypnotherapist your wallet or take off all of your clothes, you wouldn’t unless you truly wanted to. Likewise, if you were in the audience of a stage performance by a hypnotist and you were selected to participate in the show, you would quack like a duck only if you truly wanted to. In fact, the participants are usually chosen because the hypnotist believes you want to act silly and be part of the show. This is in contrast to someone who is not showing any indication he or she wants to be at the event or even have fun.

If you like to listen to music, you’re probably familiar with the intense flurry of emotion that can come when you hear a song that precisely fits the mood you’re in—a song that perfectly captures what you’re thinking and feeling. You might have organized playlists to turn to in order to create such an experience, securing instant access to songs that can meet your needs.

You’re not alone if one of those playlists is suited for heartache. Many of us turn to music after breakups, whether this music is muffled from under a tear-soaked blanket, blasted through running earbuds, or belted from the diaphragm.

A breakup is a loss, so it evokes everything that comes with loss: confusion, denial, longing, anger, depression, despair. Through all this chaos, heartbreak can magnify our needs for comfort, support, and understanding. One way we can meet those needs is through music.

Pain Relief: How Music Supports You at the End of the Road

For decades, researchers have been examining the pain-relieving effects of music, and for good reason: a considerable amount of research supports the notion that music can have positive effects on listeners in pain.

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In one study, published in 2006, Mitchell and McDonald induced pain by having participants immerse their hands in ice water. They found participants who listened to music of their choosing could withstand pain for significantly longer than those who listened to music chosen by the experimenters or no music at all. In a 2008 study, Mitchell, McDonald, and Knussen found listening to music also decreased study participants’ levels of anxiety when the researchers induced pain.

Researchers are investigating the mechanics underlying the impact of music on coping with pain. In a 2010 study by Salimpoor et al., participants were asked to bring along music they found moving. The researchers then examined functional MRI scans of participants and found significant increases of dopamine, the neurotransmitter involved in reward and pleasure, in the brain at the moments that participants were deeply moved by the music they chose. The dopamine increase started even in preceding moments, when the participants started to anticipate these poignant parts of their songs.

Have you ever gotten the chills while listening to music? Salimpoor et al. suggest this dopamine rush is responsible.

Music can have soothing and moving effects on us, including actual physiological reactions in our brains. Neuroscientists are continuing to research this topic, learning more about the way music affects our brains and shapes our experiences. But what we know so far indicates what many of us recognize intuitively: listening to music you love can alleviate some of the hurt in your heart.

Why, then, are we drawn specifically to breakup music? If any music we enjoy can give us a dopamine boost, why do we look to breakup songs to help us feel a little better?

Song Lyrics: How Words Remind Us We Will Survive

Have you ever been so overwhelmed with feelings you just didn’t want to talk about them? Intense emotion can make you feel lost—stuck in a place where you may not know how to tame the tornado of thoughts and feelings inside of you and order them into tidy words.

The lyrics of a good breakup song can help you express thoughts and feelings often difficult to articulate otherwise. You may not even know how you feel before you hear it stated perfectly in a song. At a time when it can be difficult to organize your thoughts—let alone communicate them to others—hearing, “How can you mend a broken heart?” can suddenly give you clarity about the anguish you’ve been dealing with: it’s a broken heart! The lyrics of a song can bring unresolved, unspoken, unknown thoughts to the surface and bring you closer to understanding what is happening inside of you.

On top of realizing how you are feeling, it can be powerfully validating to hear someone express thoughts and feelings similar to yours. You learn even though you are hurting, you are not alone in an abyss of misery built only for you. You’re grieving, and that’s a human reaction to losing love. That experience doesn’t isolate you. In fact, it connects you to the people around you.

Coldplay and Carole King and Lauryn Hill can help you remember that.

References:

1. Mitchell, L. A., & MacDonald, R. A. (2006). An experimental investigation of the effects of preferred and relaxing music listening on pain perception. Journal of Music Therapy, 43(4), 295-316.
2. Mitchell, L. A., MacDonald, R. A., & Knussen, C. (2008). An investigation of the effects of music and art on pain perception. Psychology of Aesthetics, Creativity, and the Arts, 2(3), 162-170.
3. Salimpoor, V. N., Benovoy, M., Larcher, K., Dagher, A., & Zatorre, R. J. (2011). Anatomically distinct dopamine release during anticipation and experience of peak emotion to music. Nature Neuroscience, 14, 257-262. doi:10.1038/nn.2726

As a psychotherapist, I am often asked why some people change and some don’t. This is a great question, one that most therapists think about all the time.

A person I treat who is deeply into therapy recently confessed that she was exhausted from working on herself. YES! If you’ve ever tried to change anything about yourself, you know it is hard. It takes a lot of sustained effort to make most changes; just the act of intense self-observation can feel like hard work.

In my experience, the most important factor is motivation. Your husband or mom wanting you to change may be a motivator, but if you don’t believe you need to make the change, it’s going to be hard to muster the effort required to make it happen.

Let’s look at some examples. Suppose you have gained 20 pounds (most of us can relate!) and are going to a wedding in three months, so you want to look your best. This is strong motivation, and though you may be able to find the discipline to lose the weight in the short term, what will happen after the wedding? For most of us, if the motivation is not strong enough, we will start to slowly balloon after the event because the motivation no longer serves us.

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A more successful long-term change will need to incorporate a deeper motivation and will require you to look seriously at yourself and think about deep-seated beliefs, patterns, and expectations. You will probably need to line up some support from family and community. It will also require you to thoughtfully revise your behavior, anticipate challenges, and gradually practice new routines. That’s a lot to take on, and not everyone is prepared to do the work.

Suppose, for example, you have a phobia of driving across bridges. It may be possible to avoid going over bridges for much of your life by going on different routes, getting rides, or taking public transportation. Perhaps you have existed like this for years, and are used to—even comfortable with—these adjustments. Until it becomes a big enough problem for you, you may not be motivated to work through the steps needed to conquer this fear. For most, this would involve examining the fear, discussing it, and then gradually exposing yourself to the feared activity until you can tolerate it, and then you would need to keep practicing it until it becomes more of a new habit. That takes time and sustained effort.

So how do you motivate someone to change?

In general, when people feel pushed into change, they don’t like it! Inviting them to strengthen their resolve and soften the obstacles may yield more motivation and hence make the change process more likely to be effective and to stick.

As a change agent, I often use techniques offered in motivational interviewing (MI) to help intensify a person’s motivation to change. Originally developed as a more positive approach for treating addicted people, MI gently invites a person to challenge his or her own motivation and identify the obstacles in a self-determined way. This usually takes some time, so both change agent and the person attempting change will need to practice compassion and a lot of patience.

For more information about MI, click here.

“When you wish upon a star,
Makes no difference who you are.
Anything your heart desires
Will come to you.”

“When You Wish Upon a Star” is a song written by Leigh Harline and Ned Washington for Walt Disney’s 1940 adaptation of Pinocchio.

Over the past few years a relatively new tool has changed how people manage their own destinies. The tool, called a vision board, is created to represent in a visual manner what a person wants in life. The practice suggests that visualization can lead to the realization of goals. This is a helpful and therapeutic technique for people as they work on goal-oriented outcomes.

Vision boards are collages of images, photographs, and phrases glued or taped to a surface like a poster board. Your selection of items on your board typically represents the dreams you want to materialize in your life. The idea behind the board stems from the reasonable hypothesis that positive thinking leads to a positive outcome. Positive thinking is one result, but the process of creating an inspiring vision and working toward it creates the energetic vibration to manifest it.

We all can agree that a positive outlook is a precursor to positive results in one’s life, but how exactly can the imagery you choose on your board make things happen? The premise of this increasingly popular tool suggests that if you glue a picture of your favorite house from a magazine onto your vision board, you will enable the dream or fantasy to become a future reality. Your vision can be anything from a house to a new car, or something of a more personal nature like fostering a new relationship. All things on the board are what you want or what you are passionate about.

The vision board speaks to the fundamental principles of the Law of Attraction. The basic tenet offered by the Law of Attraction is that a person can attract anything into their lives by “being” more of the emotional vibration they wish to have. By choosing images or phrases the person can begin igniting their emotions with a passion that will lead inevitably to the manifestation of those things they desire.

[fat_widget_right]When working with clients, this can support them to focus on the positive emotions associated with those images. Therapists will inevitability have opportunities to work with whatever resistances come up and support people to work through them. Emotional Freedom Technique is one such method for working with resistance within the Law of Attraction principles.

The vision board has been popularized in recent years by the enormously successful publication of the book The Secret. The Secret, a best seller from 2006, is a self-help book written by Rhonda Byrne. The book is based on a film of the same name. Both the book and the film promote the Law of Attraction and the power of positive thinking. As the official website of The Secret states on its home page, “Everything is possible, nothing is impossible.” In the actual film, success expert John Assaraf tells his story of using vision boards to realize his dreams.

Its proponents from the self-help field have embraced the tool. Christine Bagley-Jones, a psychologist from Brisbane, sees vision boards as a motivational tool. “It’s not like the vision board itself has some magical properties. But it helps to create a platform for the individual to identify and conceptualize what they most want in life, and through their actions they can then manifest it.”

The tool has been adopted by a variety of disciplines in the self-help field, including art therapy. Advocates insist vision boards can help people build self-esteem, teach goal setting and prioritizing, and make individuals more proactive.

Carolyn Mehlomakulu, a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Registered Art Therapist, states on her Creativity in Therapy blog, “Through the process of choosing my images, I was able to clarify my goals and hopes, think about what I consider truly important in my life, open my mind to the possibility of having the life and business that I want, and inspire myself to keep moving forward.”

I also have a vision board that I’m always working on. It supports what I believe in, what I want to manifest in my life, and primarily how I want to feel. I also notice that my vision board has things on it that I don’t want on it—things I’m not interested in attracting: reminders, a phone list, a business card, etc. Note to self: keep your vision board clean of distractions! As you grow so will your vision board change and grow with you.

Not everyone is into the joy of creating their own vision boards. There are detractors who see the practice of using boards as counterproductive. Some argue that people who use vision boards spend too much time in the fantasy and not enough time establishing a realistic plan to achieve them. Troubled by the reliance on the cultural forced feedings of positivity, some thinkers see the energy in this area of thought as a waste of time.

Barbara Ehrenreich, a much respected writer, states, “Besides, the constant effort of maintaining optimism in the face of considerable counterevidence is just too damn much work. Optimism training, affirmations, and related forms of self-hypnosis are a burden that we can finally, in good conscience, set down. They won’t make you richer or healthier, and, as we should have learned by now, they can easily put you in harm’s way. The threats that we face, individually and collectively, won’t be solved by wishful thinking but by a clear-eyed commitment to taking action in the world.” Hard work has to be an integral part of the vision. Accepting the possibility of failure is equally important as it teaches significant life lessons.

It is how you use the board that matters. Working with resistances, enjoying the dream, and taking action are all part of the vision board process. It is clear that vision boards are valid tools with therapeutic value to a great many people. Equally apparent are the critics who claim users are only setting themselves up for failure if their vision boards become wallpaper.

The real answer lies more likely somewhere in between the opposing arguments. No one should ever tell anyone not to dream. Just remember there’s always some sweat and tears. The vision board is an expressive tool to support your “being” attractive in attracting the things you most desire.

I’ll leave you with this final quote from Bob Doyle:

“The sooner you can move from ‘trying to be’ to actually ‘being,’ the sooner you will see your desire fulfilled.”

References:

1. Loo, Tristan.How to Use a Vision Board to Activate the Law of Attraction. Retrieved from: http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/How_to_Use_a_Vision_Board_to_Activate_the_Law_of_Attraction.html. Retrieved on: 19/04/2014.
2. Byrne, Rhonda. The Secret. Retrieved from: http://thesecret.tv/. Retrieved on: 22/04/2014.
3. Doyle, B. (2011). “Follow Your Passion, Find Your Power.” Charlottesville, VA: Hampton Roads Publishing Company.
4. Body and Soul website. Why You Need a Vision Board. http://www.bodyandsoul.com.au/health/health+news/why+you+need+a+vision+board,29981. Retrieved on: 22/04/2014.
5. Mehlomakulu, Carolyn. Realizing the Future—Creating a Vision Board. Retrieved from: http://creativityintherapy.blogspot.ca/2013/02/realizing-future-creating-vision-board.html. Retrieved on: 21/04/2014.

Editor’s note: Cory F. Newman, PhD, ABPP, is a psychology professor at the University of Pennsylvania and the author or co-author of several books. His continuing education presentation for GoodTherapy.org, titled Core Competencies in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy: Becoming an Effective and Competent Cognitive Behavioral Therapist, is scheduled for 9 a.m. PDT on May 16. This event, free to GoodTherapy.org members, is good for two CE credits. For details, or to register, please click here.

Much has been written about the methods that comprise cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). There is an abundance of research supporting CBT’s efficacy in treating a range of psychological maladies across a variety of groups (age, gender, ethnicity, etc.). As such, CBT is more accurately described as an entire set of psychotherapies, with key features in common but also demonstrating differences depending on the problem and person being treated, that have been designed and tested to meet the highest standards of care.

Over the past few decades, great strides have been made in developing CBT so that it helps people even when they demonstrate psychological difficulties on the more serious side of the spectrum, such as chronic mood issues, suicidality, debilitating anxiety, addictions, posttraumatic stress, eating disorders, and many other areas of mental health concern. Furthermore, the field is always improving, owing to the CBT tradition of refining and researching new ways of delivering care. Although CBT is not a magic “cure,” it is a powerful psychological technology that is helping more and more people, providing ever-increasing hope for even better outcomes in the future.

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It is easy to think of CBT as comprising a set of “techniques,” mainly because there is indeed a set of core methods that are most often associated with this modality that have been identified as being key components in helping people to cope and live more effectively. The list below is just a sample of such techniques, all of which have been described in great detail in CBT texts and CBT treatment research protocols:

• Rational responding or cognitive restructuring (e.g., via Socratic questioning)
• Behavioral activation and planning (including ratings of “mastery” and “pleasure”)
• Behavioral “experiments”
• Problem solving
• Self-monitoring (moods, behaviors, cognitions, physiological responses)
• Graded tasks
• Graded exposures to feared experiences and prolonged exposure to trauma memories
• Relaxation responses (including breathing control)
• Mindfulness
• Imagery (guided, reconstructive, and prospective)
• Communication skills training
• Social skills training

These are just some of the CBT methods that can be used effectively, not only in the therapist’s office but also as part of homework assignments—another powerful part of treatment that improves people’s sense of self-efficacy, consolidating their memories for the interventions and their skills in performing them, and leading to good maintenance of therapeutic gains.

Additionally, the CBT literature is clear that the therapeutic relationship is an indispensible part of a positive, efficacious intervention, as is a well-conceived cognitive behavioral case formulation. This is where CBT begins to go beyond techniques and into the realm of the therapist’s personal qualities, thinking style, interpersonal manner, and skills in listening, understanding, and communicating. CBT is not delivered by machines, and it does not come in prepackaged “doses” that are passively “taken.” It is delivered by fellow humans called “therapists,” a rather diverse lot of individuals with varying years of clinical experience and training histories, as well as individual personality characteristics that naturally play a role in their competency and expertise in conducting CBT. What are the qualities of therapists who are most likely to be highly competent? What should people look for in a therapist so as to be confident that the CBT they are receiving is top-notch care?

Most people think of competency and expertise as being related to training and experience, and there is more than a kernel of truth to this assumption. When a therapist is licensed, board certified in cognitive behavioral therapy (e.g., via the American Board of Professional Psychology and/or the Academy of Cognitive Therapy), has a substantial history of treating people and supervising trainees, and has a track record of publishing and lecturing on CBT, there is a good chance that this therapist will be knowledgeable and effective in the clinical sphere. However, there is evidence that even novice practitioners can deliver CBT very competently if they are well-supervised. Therefore, there is more to competency than repetition of methods and recognition of patterns over time.

What are some of the habits, attitudes, and personal qualities of therapists that amplify their competency and help get the best clinical results, whether they practice CBT or any other evidence-based treatment? The following may seem obvious, but they warrant more discussion and attention than they typically get. If the information below simply validates and reinforces what you already do as a therapist, I will have accomplished my goal with this post. Here is a sample list of suggestions, with some accompanying commentary:

Show respect for a person’s time: Make a concerted effort to be on time for sessions, to stay focused on the person in the session (e.g., rarely attending to your incoming calls, messages, or other distractions), to give them their full allotment of session time, and to try to see them as soon as your schedule will allow. Return their phone calls as promptly as you can, and be understanding when their legitimate life demands make it difficult for them to attend sessions and/or to do their therapy homework as regularly as would be optimal.

Do your homework and be organized: Be a good role model for taking care of business, being prepared, and being up to date on a person’s situation. This includes taking good therapy session notes, reviewing those notes so you are aware of and conversant in the matters that are on the person’s agenda, following through with extra-session tasks such as consulting with the person’s other practitioners and releasing records when requested, and being willing to review the person’s homework assignments as part of your own homework. Anything you can do to facilitate your memory of the details of the person’s current life and history (including the names of family members, important events in their lives, and noteworthy things they said in previous sessions) is very powerful in conveying the message, “I value you as an individual and I am providing a treatment that is focused on you, not just your diagnosis.”

Be professional, ethical, and respect cross-cultural issues: This covers a broad area, including speaking to people in a caring, supportive, confident tone, maintaining professional boundaries while still being friendly, attentive, and personable, going over the details of informed consent, explaining both your role and the person’s role in treatment, handling uncomfortable requests in a calm way that is not sanctimonious, speaking in a way that shows self-respect and respect for the other person, and being sensitive and responsive to his or her cultural identity and related issues.

Don’t just provide instructions; provide hope and inspiration: In thinking back to our school days, most of us can remember at least one teacher who was particularly adept at inspiring us to learn and to get the best out of ourselves as students. Be like that teacher when you treat people. Many people feel lethargic, distracted, helpless, and hopeless. It is not enough for us simply to provide instructions in a neutral tone. We need to “lean in” and speak in a way that gets their attention, promotes hope, and that expresses confidence in them. Express a commitment to help the person even when he or she has difficulty making a commitment to treatment. Give positive feedback even when people can’t believe it themselves. Be a role model for persevering in the face of obstacles and adversity, and for not giving up. Share some appropriate humor at the right time to make people smile and laugh, and to add some positive energy to the therapeutic dialogue.

Be open and eager to learning: One of the most rewarding aspects of being a therapist is meeting so many people who have so much to teach us. We can provide people with an education about using CBT effectively in their lives, but they provide us with lessons about life itself. Don’t just be aware of and open to the idea that people are often our teachers, embrace the idea. It is very empowering for people when their therapists thank them for sharing their knowledge and wisdom, and it enriches the therapist—both in his or her personal life, but also in terms of being that much more aware and sensitive toward a diversity of people in the future. It also demonstrates a respectful humility that amplifies the validity and meaningfulness of what therapists communicate when they do show confidence and authority in teaching CBT methods to people.

Find the “picture that is worth a thousand words”: A little bit of creativity can go a long way in therapy, especially if it makes a positive impression on people and helps them remember important concepts for the long term. Using metaphors, analogies, images, hypothetical questions, and stories with which people can personally relate are powerful learning vehicles. When therapists make it a point to pay attention to the things that matter to people most (and that define them as individuals), such as their hobbies, their profession, their cultural practices and beliefs, their most important relationships and memories, and their views about life and the world, the therapists are in a position to give feedback that deeply resonates. Brief examples include:

• The person is a judge who is chronically depressed and who states that she cannot use rational responding as a homework technique because she does not believe anything hopeful. The therapist encourages this judge to craft well-written rational responses as “dissenting opinions” in response to the “majority decisions.” Within this legal format, the person then becomes very interested in utilizing rational responding effectively to expand her thinking.
• The person is a middle-aged man who is under-employed, estranged from his family, fighting addictions, and who believes that he has ruined his life and that “there is no point going on.” He also loves football. Therefore the therapist notes that teams always come out for the second half of the game, no matter how badly the first half went. They discuss how this person can come out for the “second half” of his life and play like he is capable of playing, giving the fans something to cheer about, playing for pride, and at least trying to “win the second half.” From that point forward, the person reminds himself that “I have to play a better second half” whenever he feels discouraged about his past.
• A person who is a musician has a problematic habit with overwhelming others with her emotions and need for attention. When others do not respond favorably, she feels rejected and crushed, and then tries even harder to get the attention of others in dramatic ways, which only serves to make things worse. She winds up believing that nobody loves her, and that she is horribly flawed. The therapist then discusses the person’s favorite music, asks her to imagine it, and then asks her what would happen if the volume were increased to 200 decibels. The person says that she would need to cover her ears and leave the room immediately, whereupon the therapist asks, “Does that mean that the music was flawed and should be rejected?” The person responds, “No, the music is beautiful, but we have to lower the volume, for crying out loud,” and she laughs. The therapist then offers that the person is like that music. Others could potentially love and appreciate her for who she is, but she has to lower the volume. This one analogy served to motivate this woman to monitor herself and “dial back the intensity” more than any other intervention.

In sum, CBT is a powerful technology for psychological change, but the human element is part and parcel of CBT methods. Competent CBT practitioners know how to use the core techniques that have been demonstrated to be efficacious, but they magnify the positive impact of these methods via their personal qualities, habits, and attitudes that communicate care, convey accurate understanding and respect, and inspire people to remember and use the most important aspects of treatment for the long run.

References:

1. Beck, J. S. (2011). Cognitive behavior therapy: Basics and beyond (2nd^ ed.). New York: Guilford.
2. Butler, A. C., Chapman, J. E., Forman, E. M., and Beck, A. T. (2006). The empirical status of cognitive behavioral therapy: A review of meta-analyses. Clinical Psychology Review, 26, 17-31.
3. Dobson, D., and Dobson, K. S. (2009). Evidence-based practice of cognitive behavioral therapy. New York: Guilford.
4. Gilbert, P., and Leahy, R. L. (Eds.). (2007). The therapeutic relationship in the cognitive behavioral therapies (pp. 106-142). New York, NY: Routledge.  
5. Greenberger, D., and Padesky, C. A. (1995). Mind over mood. New York, NY: Guilford.
6. Hays, P. A., and Iwamasa, G. Y. (Eds.). (2006). Culturally responsive cognitive behavioral therapy: Assessment, practice, and supervision. Washington, D.C.: American Psychological Association.
7. Kazantzis, N., Whittington, C., and Dattilio, F. (2010). Meta-analysis of homework effects in cognitive and behavior therapy: A replication and extension. Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 17, 144-156.
8. Knapp, S. J., and VandeCreek, L. D. (2006). Practical ethics for psychologists: A positive approach. Washington, D.C.: American Psychological Association.
9. Kuyken, W., Padesky, C. A., and Dudley, R. (2009). Collaborative case conceptualization: Working effectively with clients in cognitive-behavioral therapy. New York: Guilford.
10. Newman, C. F. (2012). Core competencies in cognitive-behavioral therapy: Becoming a highly effective and competent cognitive-behavioral therapist. London: Routledge.
11. Newman, C. F. (2011). Cognitive behavior therapy for depressed adults. In D. W. Springer, A. Rubin, and C. G. Beevers (Eds.), Clinician’s guide to evidence-based practice: Treatment of depression in adolescents and adults (pp. 69-111). Hoboken, NJ: Wiley.
12. Nezu, A. M., Nezu, C. M., and D’Zurilla, T. J. (2013). Problem-solving therapy: A treatment manual. New York: Springer.
13. O’Donohue, W. T., and Fisher, J. E. (Eds.). (2009). General principles and empirically supported techniques of cognitive behavior therapy. Hoboken, NJ: Wiley.

Therapy groups are formed around a common interest to promote cohesiveness, a central factor in the strength of the group. Generally, this central factor includes common life experiences as well as a common issue. Social anxiety is certainly an issue that affects all ages.

The group you’ve joined has three teenagers and three adults (ages 25-45). As you mentioned, generally groups of adolescents are kept separate from adult groups; this was addressed by the psychiatrist leading the group, but you do not write if there was any discussion around this issue. Discussion is a vital part of group therapy, as it is in individual treatment. I have questions about the group, and if there was a real discussion. Will the split ages split the group? Has good two-way communication been established?

Did everyone in the group start at the same time? It might be easier to have a discussion where everyone is equally new, although your questions should be addressed in any case. Was the group invited to share reactions, questions, and thoughts? There might have been a discussion, but in your questions you say that the “psychiatrist addressed” the age difference. Does that simply mean he or she mentioned it, and then the subject wasn’t taken up by group members? If there was no discussion including all members of the group, then there was not much dialogue and the question must still be addressed.

Will you meet for a certain number of weeks, months, or is this left open-ended? Will people be joining the group as you go along? Will group members have a say in this? At this time, the group is evenly split. This would change by the addition of one other member.

One factor in creating a group is homogeneity, which includes age. Homogenous groups are generally easier to manage from the group leader’s viewpoint and also show greater and quicker improvement than heterogeneous groups.

Are there external factors affecting the group leader, in this case a psychiatrist? The psychiatrist might have invited different age groups to attend so that enough people would participate to make a group.

To help you make your decision, I thought you might like to know some facts about group therapy, as explained by Irvin Yalom in his book, The Theory and Practice of Group Psychotherapy. Yalom is a pioneer in group therapy who identified what makes group therapy work.

Here is a list of five important factors:

1. Universality: Shared feelings and experiences. Members of your group have similar experiences pertaining to social anxiety, for example, but the age difference will have an effect here.
2. Altruism: Group members help each other, which has a powerful effect. Will the older members be able to help the younger members? Will the younger members accept help? Will their help be valued by the older members? Helping and being helped by group members is a powerfully curative experience.
3. Instillation of hope: If people in your group have been members for different lengths of time, then someone who has been working longer might be a good role model for a new member. The older members in general might be good role models for the adolescents.
4. Corrective recapitulation of the primary family experience: Sometimes people in therapy groups feel as though the group members are like members of their own families. This happens in a group where everyone is about the same age, but also in a group like yours, where the generations are a split. In this case the family experiences might feel a bit too real, which could hinder optimal group functioning.
5. Cohesiveness: This is the most powerful and elementary factor affecting the group. Each member of the group has to feel that he or she belongs in the group and is accepted and validated. This might be a problem in the group that you described.

If you like, you can think about these points and see what your answers are, or even bring them to the group, first consulting with the group leader as to the policy regarding outside references, which might be experienced as interference.

Thanks for asking this interesting question. I hope this helps you decide what to do.

Kind regards,
Lynn

In my introductory article on anger management, I introduced you to the notion that anger management per se often misses the mark. Spending all our time and energy handling our anger in more productive, pro-social ways can get tiring if we constantly have anger bubbling up that needs to be managed. Wouldn’t it be nice, for once, to be able to sit back and enjoy yourself rather than constantly spin inside your managerial role? It’s not too good to be true, but you must know going in that getting to this place will take considerable effort at first. Perseverance, patience, and kindness will serve you well in this endeavor.

To begin, we must understand the nature of anger. When not experienced as a secondary emotion (more on this shortly), anger occurs as a result of being a part of or witnessing a wrong. If we or a loved one are in harm’s way, the energy we call anger wells up, leading to two things: (1) an often laser-like focus on the wrong occurring and (2) increased energy to do something about it. We can view anger in this sense as organically pro-social. It occurs in relation to harm that we think must be prevented or averted. Barring any illegal, immoral, or self-harming act, expression of this type of anger can generally be viewed favorably. Sometimes called “righteous anger,” imagine Jesus routing out the bankers from the temple to get an image of what I’m referring to here.

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As you may have already guessed, the vast majority of the anger we experience on a regular basis does not fit into the first category described above. Rather, the anger we generally need to “manage” falls into the category described as a secondary emotion. In brief, a secondary emotion is one that emanates from a judgment about a primary emotion. They generally occur due to our unwillingness to fully accept and feel the primary emotion. The primary emotion is usually one that feels physically uncomfortable and might also have a social stigma attached that reinforces the tendency to keep it held in. Sadness, guilt, anxiety, and fear are most often the primary emotions that get transformed into anger. As a result of judging and therefore suppressing their full expression, their energy “becomes” anger.

In my next article, I will cover in greater detail how to work with fear and anxiety. In this article, I wish to focus on sadness. Sadness occurs when we have lost something significant. Losing a job or the death of a loved one are obvious causes of sadness, but all too often we do not catch the more subtle triggers. At its core, we experience sadness when we’ve lost something that supports our self-identity. The reason sadness hurts is because we’re experiencing the absence of a psychological part of ourselves, not unlike losing a limb.

Feeling our sadness is important because it sanctifies the thing lost. Sadness fully expressed allows us to honor the missing aspect in our lives. This process reinforces the importance of reengaging in life so that we may begin cultivating the missing value. Not feeling our sadness prevents us from accessing the importance of the thing lost. Once we inquire into our sadness with kind curiosity, we will find that some value or quality is missing.

So how do you put all of this information into practical use? We’re all fond of steps, and I’m not here to disappoint:

1. When you get angry, sit down and begin to feel the energy in your body. Rather than ranting and raving, start taking stock of your bodily tension. (Yes, this is very difficult at first. With practice you’ll get better, I promise.) Once some of the energy has subsided, ask yourself what you’re sad about. Usually something specific—and quite often completely unrelated to the thing that caused you to be angry in the first place—pops in.
2. Once you’ve accessed the trigger of your sadness, it’s time to feel sad. I can already hear you grumbling. I know, feeling sadness isn’t pleasant, and that’s why so many of us avoid the sensation. A little trick I learned, and teach, is to say “yes” or nod your head when the sensation of sadness is felt. Acknowledging our emotion in this way makes it easier to access. Now, fully feel the sadness without judging or commenting. (This part is a bit difficult as well. It takes much practice to learn to feel our physical sensations without any accompanying thoughts.)
3. Once the sadness has subsided—and it will subside—you can begin the process of inquiry. Ask yourself what was lost. If it’s not obvious, look to core values that you prize, such as kindness, fairness, support, etc. Often, we get angry when these core values aren’t experienced in ourselves or in our relationships.
4. Patience and honesty in this process will often lead you to the missing value. Now that you’ve found it, it’s simply a matter of going out into the world and cultivating the very quality that went missing in the first place. This might look like being kind to coworkers, patience with your children, or being gentle with yourself when you make a mistake. Regardless of the quality expressed, your sense of power and accomplishment will increase.

Although the above steps are simply laid out, it will take you a few goes before you really get a handle on the entire process. We’ve come a long way from talking about anger. To bring that aspect back, recognize now that underneath much of our anger is a sense of powerlessness in the face of losing something sacred. When we re-access that missing component, we reclaim our power and, ultimately, our sense of peace.

We know that certain functions of the body shut down when a person is faced with a threatening situation. This allows other parts to become more active. Larger sets of muscles receive more blood as heart rate increases, allowing for the well-documented “fight-or-flight” response. While the body tenses and readies to “respond,” some areas of the brain become less active. Hence, the ability to process emotional responses and store memories during a traumatic event can be impaired while pre-programmed survival mechanisms kick in.

Posttraumatic Stress

For some, this will lead to a condition known as PTSD (posttraumatic stress). The intense emotions associated with an unintegrated traumatic memory can impair normal functioning in daily life for those experiencing PTSD. Read more about this here.

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Not everyone experiencing a traumatic event will go on to develop PTSD. However, for those that do, PTSD is treatable. Eventually, there can actually be benefits that result from a well-integrated traumatic event. This is called posttraumatic growth.

Posttraumatic Growth

Many people experience a meaningful improvement in their psychological outlook on life after a traumatic or life-altering event. For example, after a near-death experience, some report a renewed zest for living, an intense wonder at the beauty of the natural world that surrounds them, and a deeply felt sense of purpose not previously recognized.

In one study, Robert James Miller II and David Read Johnson noted an increased capacity for symbolic thinking in a group of 56 Vietnam War veterans who experienced PTSD. From the abstract: “Unexpectedly, subjects with PTSD in comparison to subjects without PTSD showed greater capacity for symbolic representation, and no difference in lexical capacity, raising new questions as to the mechanism by which trauma could increase the capacity for mental imagery.”

It’s possible that in order to avoid re-experiencing a traumatic event (because memories of the event have not been properly stored), some people unknowingly strengthen their ability to think symbolically as a coping mechanism. Since we know that symbolic thinking is a cornerstone of the creative process, can an unexpected benefit of trauma be an increase in creativity?

Surges in Creativity

There is compelling evidence that suggests surges in creativity could be linked to the experience of trauma. Dr. Marie Forgeard conducted an online study to investigate this idea. An online questionnaire was filled out by participants, whose answers were used to measure posttraumatic growth, rumination related to the event, and growth of creativity. Forgeard used two measures in the study: (1) scores on a measure of posttraumatic growth and depreciation and (2) scores on self-reported measures of creativity in the aftermath of adversity.

She found that “… adversity-induced distress predicted self-reported creative growth and breadth in a sample of online participants. Cognitive processing [intrusive/deliberative rumination] as well as domains of posttraumatic growth/depreciation—in particular, self-reported changes in interpersonal relationships and in the perception of new possibilities for one’s life—mediated the link between self-reported distress and creativity outcomes.”

It is important to note that intrusive rumination describes a process where the individual is primarily focused on the symptoms of the distress being experienced as opposed to solutions for these symptoms. On the other hand, deliberate rumination is a process by which an individual turns inward and engages in reflection along with contemplation about various problem-solving possibilities.

Creative Therapy and Deliberate Rumination

Given the links between trauma and creativity that are being uncovered, creative therapies such as art therapy or expressive writing, coupled with supported deliberate rumination practice, could be beneficial in the recovery process for individuals wishing to deal with the aftermath of traumatic, life-altering events and/or full-blown PTSD.

References:

1. Miller II, Robert James, and Johnson, David Read. Psychological Trauma: Theory, Research, Practice, and Policy. Vol. 4(1), Jan 2012, 112-116. doi: 10.1037/a0021580. Retrieved 3/21/14 from: http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/tra/4/1/112/
2. Thompson, Paula. The Traumatized Imagination: Creativity, Trauma, and the Neurobiology of the Resilient Spirit. Retrieved 3/21/14 from: http://www.healingresources.info/article_thomson1.htm
3. Forgeard, Marie J. C. Perceiving Benefits after Adversity: The Relationship Between Self-Reported Posttraumatic Growth and Creativity. Psychology of Aesthetics, Creativity, and the Arts. Vol. 7(3), Aug 2013, 245-264. doi: 10.1037/a0031223. Abstract retrieved on 3/21/14.

There are four types of human beings, and I believe each is designed to attend to at least one of four critical areas of need in a functioning human society.

The tasks that each temperament is designed to attend to are so disparate that significant differences in perceptions, priorities, values, and meanings are required to attend to them. These automatically triggered differences are present at birth, identifiable at an early age and, like the degree to which each newborn is left-, right-, or mixed-handed, will not change much across time.

For instance, a naturally literal parent will not be able to get their naturally possibilities-oriented child to become more literal, any more than a naturally feel-response-oriented parent will be able to get their natural thinking-response-oriented child to experience emotions more like a feeling-oriented individuals does.

The temperament that each child is born with may be the same as, or different from,

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1. One or both parents.
2. One or more siblings.
3. One or more extended family members.
4. A teacher, coach, employer, friend, or therapist.

The nature of temperament-driven differences is such that four individuals with different temperaments can perceive, process, prioritize, and respond to the same reality in significantly different ways. Current models for making sense out of these differences treat them as matters of choice rather than of nature.

Consequently, when these differences lead to a disagreement over who is right and who is not, each assumes that the other is choosing to differ when they are not. Never-ending relationship-threatening debates can ensue driven by natural differences that neither is aware exist.

I have been providing my individual, couple, and family clients with information on natural differences in temperaments since 2000. Once most clients have realized that natural differences are at play, debilitating debates over who is right and who is not have come to an end. This allows for accommodation and compromise in areas that had not been possible before.

Taking a freeware version of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) can identify an individual’s temperament. A two-letter code within the four-letter MBTI psychological type code identifies the temperament providing the driving force for that particular type. The method for identifying temperament codes is found at the end of this article.

 The Four Temperaments

1. Sensing-Judging (SJ): Approximately 45% of the population

People with the SJ temperament provide structure for human societies. From an early age they want to know what the rules are—the societal norms for acceptable behavior. They will then live their life according to those rules and expect others to do the same.

With regards to typological wiring, choice is not an option. An SJ person’s sense of self is connected to following the rules and honoring the traditions of their society and they will automatically be bothered when others do not. Without SJs, human beings would not have a functioning foundation, a social order.

• Extraverted SJs are wired to express disapproval immediately when someone is breaking a rule. That unacceptable behavior might be cutting in line, arriving late for a meeting, or making too much noise in a library.
• Introverted SJs are also automatically bothered by such behaviors, but may not be as direct in expressing their disapproval.

The four SJ-driven personality types are ESTJ, ESFJ, and ISTJ. SJs of note include George Washington, Mother Teresa, Andy Rooney, Desmond Tutu, and Barbara Walters.

2. Sensing-Perceiving (SP): Approximately 23% of the population

People with SP temperaments are designed to address the needs of immediate sensory experience. The common denominator for SPs that distinguishes them from the other three temperaments is their need for freedom to respond or create in the moment, as the moment dictates, without reference to others.

This independence of mind is innate, a derivative of nature’s design and an essential requirement for the purpose and function they are designed to attend to. SJs tend to take care of the structural needs of human societies, that which can be predicted and planned out. Meanwhile, SPs are attending to the needs of the moment, those aspects of human experience that are best served by in-the-moment innovation and ingenuity.

SPs adapt to the constantly changing variables of immediate sensory experience. This can be quite extraordinary; SPs are found among the most gifted practitioners of both the fine as well as the martial arts.

The four SP-driven personality types are ESFP, ESTP, ISTP, and ISFP. SPs of note include Barbra Streisand, Erwin “Magic” Johnson, George C. Patton, Meryl Streep (my guess here), and Michael J. Fox.

3. Intuitive-Thinking (NT): Approximately 15% of the population

Those with NT temperaments are designed to process information from a logical frame of reference. Their primary function is to make sure that what is said or done makes logical sense. NTs can often be found in leadership roles in science, business, government, sports, and the military, making sure that logic rules the decision-making process.

In order to attend to their role responsibilities in a functioning human society, NTs are designed to experience emotions within objective parameters of cause and effect. As with the other three temperaments, choice is not an option. If something said or done does not make logical sense, it is automatically rejected as invalid.

The four NT-driven personality types are ENTJ, ENTP, INTJ, and INTP. Well known NTs include Hilary Clinton, Steve Jobs, Albert Einstein, General Colin Powell, and Angela Lansbury.

4. Intuitive-Feeling (NF): Approximately 18% of the population

NFs are designed to facilitate harmony in the lives of other human beings. Nature assures that NFs attend to their role of responsibility by triggering feelings of guilt and blame disproportionate to objective reality when they upset or disappoint someone or do not help others when they know they can help but may not want to.

A rule of thumb for NFs is, “If is not said nicely, it is not nice.” No other temperament is designed with this degree of guilt and blame sensitivity in their wiring. Given this innate set of priorities for experiencing a sense of meaning and purpose in life, it is not surprising that as many as 75% of marriage and family therapists in private practice are NFs.

The four NF-driven personality types are ENFJ, ENFP, INFJ, and INFP. Well-known individuals with the NF wiring include Oprah Winfrey, Abraham Maslow, Nelson Mandela, Mahatma Gandhi, and Isabel Briggs-Myers.

Procedure for Identifying Temperament

For a free short-form questionnaire to find your own temperament, you can go to www.NaturalPersonalityInstitute.com and download the freeware questionnaire (Natural Personality Questionnaire) based on the MBTI located there. Fill it in and score it. When done, you will have a four-letter psychological type code.

The first letter of that type’s temperament code is found on the Sensing-Intuition dichotomy. That is the second column from left on the questionnaire.

• If the first letter is S for Sensing, the second letter is found on the Judging-Perceiving dichotomy (the last, or fourth, column on the right).
  • If your letter code on the Judging-Perceiving dichotomy is J for Judging, your temperament is SJ (Sensing-Judging).
  • If your letter code is P for Perceiving, your temperament is SP (Sensing-Perceiving).

• If the first letter of your two letters temperament code is N for Intuition, the second letter is found on the Thinking-Feeling dichotomy (third column from left)
  • If your letter code is T for Thinking, your temperament is NT (Intuitive-Thinking).
  • If your letter is F for Feeling, your temperament is NF (Intuitive-Feeling).

For example, my four-letter MBTI psychological type code is INFP. The first letter of my temperament code is found on the Sensing-Intuition dichotomy which, in my case, is N for Intuition. When N is the first letter of a temperament code, the second letter is found on the Thinking-Feeling dichotomy which, in my case, is F for Feeling. Therefore my two-letter temperament code is NF for Intuitive-Feeling.

Between Temperament Communication

In order to maximize your effectiveness in navigating communication problems with temperaments that differ from your own it is helpful to remember the following:

1. SJs automatically prioritize rules of conduct, if others are behaving appropriately.
2. SPs automatically prioritize the dictates of immediate sensory experience.
3. NTs automatically prioritize the logical consequences of an act or intention.
4. NFs automatically prioritize how people may or will feel about what is said and done.

Choice is not an option. Like the degree to which each newborn is left, right, or mixed handed, the temperament in each newborn’s wiring is the temperament that will provide the perceptual frame of reference throughout their lifetime.

My mother and I provide a perfect example of this phenomenon. She was an ESTJ and I am an INFP, opposites on all four dichotomies. She was a thinking-response-oriented SJ and I am an NF. She was bluntly direct (and usually right!) in letting me know how I should be behaving.

I found her manner of communicating to be hurtful, leaving me feeling guilty, bad, and resentful. I kept her at an emotional distance most of my life. She was 93 and still cognitively sharp as a tack, before I got up the courage to tell her how her manner of communicating affected me.

She was genuinely surprised, stating, “Michael, I do not understand this guilt thing. I did not want you to feel bad about yourself; I just wanted you to do it right.” This comment helped me realize that thinking-oriented and feeling-oriented people naturally experience emotions very differently.

A Note of Caution

While the information on temperaments and temperament-specific psychological types tends to be accurate, it is general in nature, addressing response dynamics known to be common for individuals with each of the type profiles. The specifics of an individual’s self, separate from others, is far too complex to be captured by a temperament specific tendencies profile.

First of all, there are a near infinite number of degrees of response orientation that an individual may have on each of the four dichotomies known to determine an individual’s temperament and temperament specific psychological type. Birth order, degrees of visual, auditory, and kinesthetic perceptual processing, spirituality, aptitudes of mind, and a wide range of environmental influences, as well as an X factor to cover the inexplicable, also factor into the equation.

The complexity involved is such that true knowing of another has some very real limitations. Because of this, type profiles should be used for the gathering of general information about an individual, but most definitely not to define the person.