A couple sits with a therapist as the man looks uninterested.Families are amazingly resilient relationship groups. While many of us have enduring trouble with some aspect of our families, past or present, all of us are part of some form of family all our lives. Most of us organize our lives around the needs, priorities, goals, and problems of our chosen family. Whatever differences and conflicts we may have with other nations and peoples around the world, the human family is the way all of us organize.

Family therapy is a form of psychotherapy that seeks to understand, theorize, and imagine ways to help families function better with more flexibility, healthier communication, and more functional roles, responsibilities, and shared connections. When family relationships are strained beyond the members’ capacity to respond, having a trusted, compassionate, and trained relationship coach or mentor can really make life happier, easier, and healthier for all involved. Licensed marriage and family therapists (LMFT) have specialized education, training, and supervision in helping families increase their ability to function in a positive, enjoyable way—at least, that’s the goal.

As helpful and healing as family therapy can be, there are certain life problems that are so detrimental to individual functioning that they should be addressed in individually therapy before family therapy can begin. These include:

  1. Addiction. Major, active addiction is so distracting and distressing to personal functioning, that the condition must be in treatment and under stable recovery before family therapy can be helpful. Most LMFTs will expect that drug, alcohol, and gambling addictions, and eating disorders get identified and treated before the whole family is under care. Sexual addictions, in my experience, are often only identified when a couple or family is well into therapy, and so may be initially hidden. However, they too are best treated individually if the addiction has been identified in the beginning.
  2. [fat_widget_right]Severe mental health conditions. Major mental health issues such as bipolar, severe depression, anxiety, schizophrenia or other disabling conditions should be under treatment before family treatment is begun.
  3. Family violence. Chronic anger, violence, and abusive behaviors are so threatening to family life that attempting family therapy can actually cause more hurt unless the violence is first prevented, controlled, and stopped.
  4. Affairs. Secret or not, ongoing emotional and sexual affairs unbalance a family so that therapy is not possible unless they are completely stopped. Most family therapists will ask about affairs in their initial phone conversations or meetings with couples and the adults of family groups and will defer family therapy in cases of ongoing affairs.

Even if your family may be in the midst of one of these problems, a family therapist may be a great local resource for finding the help you need. If you are worried about your family, have run out of your own ideas, and energy for making a change is running low, please consider seeking out the professional help you need to get your closest relationships back on track.

Woman on Balcony Watering PlantScents, Memories, and Emotions

The use of pleasant aromas to enhance well-being dates back thousands of years. Fragrant oils were ceremonially used in the Far East, as well as in ancient Egypt and Greece. Essential oils were extracted from herbs and flowers to create medicines and perfumes, to scent one’s home, and to anoint the ill and deceased.

Smell is considered to be the most poorly understood of our senses, yet most have experienced the powerful ability of familiar scents to trigger emotions and memories of times past, such as people in our lives, places we miss, or particular events, such as the holidays.

Who among us has not passed a restaurant or bakery and been immediately transported to another time when a similar dish or baked good was enjoyed, with all of its emotional accompaniments? Have we not all smelled a particular laundry detergent or perfume and thought of a loved family member or former flame? For some, even less-than-pleasant odors can call to mind a cherished memory. I have heard people say that walking into a faintly damp or musty house reminded them of the fun and friendships of summer camp, even 30 or more years later.

Today, the term aromatherapy refers to the deliberate use of plant-derived oils to enhance physical and emotional health. Although aromatherapy is still considered to lie outside the realm of medically accepted therapies and mainstream psychotherapy, interest in this area has grown substantially over the past few decades. Most of those who use aromas for healing tend to do so as part of a whole-person approach to healthcare, rather than as a stand-alone treatment. When applied thoughtfully, aromas may be incorporated into more “mainstream” healthcare practices with good results.

The Impact of Scents on Stress and Performance: What’s the Evidence?

Research related to the impact of scents, particularly essential oils, on mood has increased since the 1970s. Specifically, there have been several studies on the use of essential oils, such as lavender and rose, as well as other pleasant aromas to reduce stress. Lavender in particular has been shown to reduce self-reports of stress. In some preliminary research,  lavender was also linked to increased peripheral blood flow (an effect associated with relaxation) and a decrease in blood pressure, as well as positive changes in heart rate variability. In another trial, peppermint and lavender essential oils were associated with increased accuracy while proofreading.

The calming benefits of pleasant aromas many not be limited to essential oils, however. In at least two studies, the scent of coconut has been associated with decreased startle response, whereas an unpleasant scent (Limburger cheese) was associated with an increased startle response. A more recent study suggested that exposure to pleasant scent (also coconut) may blunt the body’s response to performing a stressful task and also enhance recovery after the stressor has stopped. It is important to note that most of these studies have had methodological challenges, including small numbers of people participating in the trials. Nonetheless, the results are thought-provoking and may make intuitive sense to those who have experienced subjective benefits from aromatherapy.

Aroma in Psychotherapy

How might this be relevant to the practice of psychotherapy? Pleasant aromas can be paired with relaxation training, such as diaphragmatic breathing, mindfulness practice, hypnotherapy, and biofeedback. Doing so may link the experience of relaxation with the scent sufficiently so that in the future, exposure to the scent alone may be enough to elicit the relaxation response.

In cognitive behavioral therapy, this pairing is referred to as “associative learning” or “higher-order conditioning,” and the goal is for the conditioned stimulus (the scent) to trigger the same response as the biofeedback, breathing, or meditation does.

I have frequently used scent as a therapeutic adjunct during all of the above types of treatments for both children and adults. Many have reported enjoying the use of this tool in session and on their own, eventually noticing that they can more quickly and effectively access a state of calm. Even something like at-home mindfulness practice involves “taking in” and being present with the scent of what one is consuming or doing. This includes experiencing fully the aromas associated with eating, drinking, or walking in nature. Thus, being mindfully present can be “aromatherapeutic” or at least “aroma-aware”—even without deliberately introducing a specific scent.

The at-home use of pleasant aroma can be as simple as adding a few drops of an essential oil to a hand or body lotion or hair conditioner, buying natural laundry or cleaning products that feature relaxing or invigorating essential oils, chewing a stick of peppermint gum while proofreading a term paper, or mindfully sipping a cup of fragrant tea.

Common Sense with Scents

When using scent in psychotherapy, it is important to take into account people’s individual preferences for and aversions to various aromas and be aware of the fact that some dislike using any scent at all. Similarly, it is important to inquire about emotional associations to scents that may be popular but could elicit unpleasant memories (“Ugh! My old boss always wore rose oil!”).

Finally, it goes without saying that one should:

  1. Ask about allergies to any scents
  2. Place undiluted oils on tissue or another object, rather than directly on the person, as many are harmful when applied to the skin at full strength
  3. Educate oneself about the properties associated with different oils before introducing them into the work.

Additional Aromatherapy Resources

Woman with curly hair sitting on therapist's couch with head leaned on hand. Sitting next to her, a female therapist in a grey coat is listening and taking notes on a clipboard.Learning about the stages of healing can be distressing, motivating, upsetting, or uplifting. No matter how you feel, your reaction is not wrong. Acknowledging your emotional response to the stages of healing can allow you to harness your emotions’ energy and reach out to a trained therapist.

When looking for a therapist, it is vital to keep in mind that, regardless of what type of psychotherapy you pursue, your therapist should empower you and welcome you as a collaborator in your therapy, not attempt to impose control over you. Studies have found that individuals who are active participants in their therapy are more satisfied with the therapy. In addition, it is crucial that you feel safe in your therapeutic relationship.

There is no magical treatment that will heal you overnight, nor is there one form of psychotherapy that is right for everyone, but you should be able to find a therapist, as well as a therapeutic approach, that works for you. Healing is like a marathon. It requires preparation, repeated practice, courage, determination, and the support of others—including that of a professional coach or therapist.

While there are numerous therapy approaches, the purpose of all trauma-focused therapy is to integrate the traumatic event into your life, not subtract it. This article discusses the most common forms of trauma therapy. Each approach is described in its most pure form, but keep in mind that many therapists combine different types of therapies.

Pharmacotherapy

Pharmacotherapy is the use of medications to manage disruptive trauma reactions. Medications have been shown to be helpful with the following classes of reactions/symptoms:

Taking medication does not make one’s trauma reactions and pain evaporate. Medications can only help make the symptoms less intense and more manageable.

If you decide to use medications, consult a psychiatrist and continue working with that psychiatrist for as long as you take the medications. Inform the psychiatrist of how the medications are impacting you. Some medications have side effects that may or may not be tolerable to you, and some people do not respond favorably to medications. Medications are most effective when individuals pursue therapy concurrently.

Behavior Therapy

The most common form of behavior therapy is exposure. In exposure therapy, one gradually faces one’s fears–for example, the memories of a traumatic event–without the feared consequence occurring. Often, this exposure results in the individual learning that the fear or negative emotion is unwarranted, which in turn allows the fear to decrease.

Exposure therapy has been found to reduce anxiety and depression, improve social adjustment, and organize the trauma memory. There are various forms of exposure therapy:

Exposure therapy is a highly effective treatment for posttraumatic stress (PTSD).

Another form of behavior therapy is Stress Inoculation Training (SIT), also known as relaxation training. Stress Inoculation Training teaches individuals to manage stress and anxiety.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is grounded in the idea that an individual must correct and change incorrect thoughts and increase knowledge and skills. Common elements of cognitive behavioral therapy trauma therapy include:

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)

Therapists who perform EMDR first receive specialized training from an association such as the EMDR Institute or the EMDR International Association. An EMDR session follows a preset sequence of 8 steps, or phases. Treatment involves the person in therapy mentally focusing on the traumatic experience or negative thought while visually tracking a moving light or the therapist’s moving finger. Auditory tones may also be used in some cases. Debate regarding whether eye movements are truly necessary exists within the field of psychology, but the treatment has been shown to be highly effective for the alleviation and elimination of symptoms of trauma and other distress.

Hypnotherapy

There is no one guiding principal for hypnotherapy. In general, a hypnotherapist guides the individual in therapy into a hypnotic state, then engages the person in conversation or speaks to the person about certain key issue. Most hypnotherapists believe that the emotions and thoughts that an individual comes into contact with while under hypnosis are crucial to healing.

Psychodynamic Therapy

The goal of psychodynamic trauma therapy is to identify which phase of the traumatic response the individual is stuck in. Once this is discerned, the therapist can determine which aspects of the traumatic event interfere with the processing and integration of the trauma. Common elements of psychodynamic therapy include:

Group Therapy

There are a variety of different groups for trauma survivors. Some groups are led by therapists, others by peers. Some are educational, some focus on giving support, and other groups are therapeutic in nature. Groups are most effective when they occur in addition to individual therapy. It is important for a trauma survivor to choose a group that is in line with where one is in the healing journey:

Any therapist, regardless of which type of therapy she or he works from, desires to help you grow and heal through your traumatic experience.

Together, you and your therapist will strive to acknowledge and identify:

As always, reach out for help and know that you do not need to go it alone.

Reference:

  1. What is the actual EMDR Therapy session like? (n.d.). Retrieved from http://www.emdrresearchfoundation.org/for-the-public/what-is-the-actual-emdr-therapy-session-like

A middle-aged woman rests her head on her handDepression varies from person to person and episode to episode, not only in its degree of intensity and disability, but also by which types of symptoms the depressed person experiences. Some people experience most or all of the symptoms of depression during depressive episodes, but many people experience only one or a few.

It always amazes me how some people with depression can obsess about suicide, but be compassionate, forgiving, and non-judgmental about themselves, while others can attack themselves viciously and yet never find any appeal to suicide. Others feel like they are weighed down by a thousand pounds of bricks when they try to get out of bed, or brush their teeth, or do the dishes, but be able to feel joy. And some can be negative about every aspect of the future, but have no trouble motivating themselves to get their chores done. Some people never get suicidal, no matter how depressed they get. Others never get irritable, or never turn to addictions.

The Cluster View

This is why I developed the “cluster view” of depressive experiences. Generally, a cluster of five depression symptoms is required for a depression diagnosis, but many people experience a cluster of one to four of the symptoms, often in ways that vary widely. Usually, each person has a fairly consistent and characteristic profile for which of these symptoms attack them when they get depressed. This is why I think it’s important to talk separately about each of the ways people experience depression, or depression-like symptoms.

The Low Ambition Experience

One of the experiences of depression is the lack of physical and/or emotional energy to motivate and function. People with this type of depression feel overwhelmed by life—sometimes constantly and by everything. They just don’t have the ability to motivate themselves to do what they need to do. This is very disabling, even in milder forms.

[fat_widget_depression_right]This experience is often misunderstand and called procrastination, irresponsibility, attention-deficit, laziness, passive resistance, sloppiness, incompetence, disorganization, and more. But when someone is missing “that thing” that makes people get up and go do something, life is constantly overwhelming. The depressed person may be constantly failing and can easily lose control of the functionality of their life. Most people take this ability to motivate themselves to do things for granted. They just have it—after their morning coffee, at least—and don’t have to think about it. But for those who suffer from the lack of that ability, life can be Hell.

People experiencing this type of depression may find they have trouble motivating themselves for certain chores or parts of their lives, or that the problem extends to everything they need to do. It’s very disabling to have to talk to yourself like a coach for an hour just to get up the energy to get out of bed, even more so if you can’t motivate yourself to take care of things you have to do—like your job, parenting, or self-care—no matter how hard you try.

Understanding Emotional Energy

I believe that the motivation center that depression attacks is our “emotional energy,” which is separate from physical energy. Emotional energy is hard to describe, but if you want to do something and your body has the physical energy and you’re not scared to do the thing, but you still can’t get yourself to do it, it’s probably because you have very low emotional energy.

People with this low emotional energy cluster are not necessarily without drive or ambition to succeed. People with low emotional energy can be very ambitious, driven, and able to fulfill their ambitions when they are not experiencing this symptom. But having low emotional energy is like wanting to run a marathon when your legs are tied together. Sometimes this symptom comes in people who have been very ambitious and worked so hard they burned themselves out. Even more confusingly, people can sometimes have enough physical energy to act, but still not have the emotional energy required to act.

Listening to Emotional Energy Communications

If you have low emotional energy symptoms, try listening carefully to your “ambition system” messages. Sometimes this depressed lack of motivation is simply due to brain chemistry—in which case, the message is about doing something to alter brain chemistry. But often, the message is related to how you feel about the things that you can’t get yourself to do. Could it be that you’re dissatisfied with your job, your partner, or something else in your life that you’d have to deal with if you got up and functioned? That could be what your lack of emotional energy is telling you.

Or is there something about your life you feel helpless to change? Research has repeatedly shown that helplessness causes depression, and feeling helpless can drain people’s emotional and physical energy. If feel like you can’t have an impact, no matter what you do, then why try to do anything?

Repressing feelings of anger can also drain people for different reasons. If you think that letting yourself be angry will be destructive and you suppress it, there are two consequences: it takes a lot of energy to suppress those feelings, and you are suppressing a great deal of life-force and energy that come with anger. Your system might also know that if you have no energy, you can’t get very angry, so it cuts off your energy to protect you from perceived negative consequences of getting angry.

Living the Reality of Low Ambition

When people listen to the communications that their low emotional energy is telling them, they often find that the problem is trying to get themselves to do things because they “should” or because someone else wants them to: they try to force themselves to do things. I have found that if you wait and watch carefully, there may be moments when you feel like you can do something, or even want to. You may have to wait minutes, hours, days, or months before that moment happens, but if you can possibly afford to wait, listen, and seize the moment when you feel it, then suddenly something that felt impossible can feel easier, or even a little exciting. Noticing those moments of energy and acting on them is very important. It’s easy to ignore these moments and let things get worse.

Sometimes altering your expectations can shift your emotional energy as well. Like, what would actually happen if you didn’t fold your laundry—just stuffed it in drawers, or left it in the laundry basket? Would that make doing the laundry feel more achievable? The rules we carry about how things “should” be done can make them unachievable when you’re depressed. If you can give yourself permission to do whatever is absolutely necessary for you, it can allow you to continue to function in the world. If you can’t bear to do something, put it off, or get help—as much as possible. Make sure you get enough rest and are not trying to do too much. Make sure you have enough pleasurable activities, rest, and unstructured time. Ambition grows in certain environments and wilts in others—learn what these are for you.

It seems that most couples struggle with criticism, though some tolerate it better than others. Nevertheless, criticism of, or from, your partner will happen periodically. This post provides an alternative way to manage criticism that may help sidestep defensiveness. Here are some common options when we want to be critical of our partner:

  1. Keep our mouths shut, and say nothing. Besides, we all were told that if we didn’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything, right? (This one probably fell in to the category of “do as I say, don’t do as I do.”)
  2. Provide unvarnished criticism, regardless of the impact it may have on our partner, and ultimately on the relationship. If it leads to defensiveness, an argument, a fight, so be it, just deal with it.
  3. Sugarcoat it, water it down, either because you can’t deal with your reaction to your partner’s reaction to your critical remark, or you want to protect your partner from his/her feelings that surely will arise from being criticized. (“You can’t handle the truth!”) Maybe there is an alternative, an option that satisfies both sides of a chronically thorny equation: On the one hand, how to get your point across without selling yourself out, while on the other hand lowering the odds of running in to defensiveness.

Enter the complaint. Sit alongside that of criticism, let us compare the two, see how they differ, and why it matters. A complaint is about the one complaining, and a criticism is about the other, the listener. Or, the complaint is about me, and a criticism is about you. Take a guess as to which one will usually be easier for the listener to hear: the complaint. Why? A complaint is not about the listener, and therefore tends to lower the risk of listener defensiveness.

Not only that, if I’m talking about me (instead of you) I have a much better chance of being understood. The goal of transforming a criticism into a complaint is to increase the odds of the speaker being heard and understood, while simultaneously reducing the odds of the listener being defensive. Ultimately, the goal of the process is to preserve the closeness and intimacy of the relationship.

Consider the following vignette: On long road trips, the majority of the driving is done by the same partner. One of the difficulties for the passenger is that the driver tends to speed—we’re talking about 90 mph to 95 mph versus the limit of 75 mph. They have never had an accident, nor a speeding ticket, but they are constantly bickering about the speed and the danger. The driver doesn’t understand what the “big deal” is, and the passenger doesn’t think the driver cares about the passenger.

The passenger criticizes: “You are the worst driver ever! For you, it’s all about the speed and the thrill! You have no respect for the fact that you might get us both killed!  And one of these days you will get a ticket—it’s only a matter of time! You have no respect for what it’s like being a passenger when you’re the driver! Nobody likes the way you drive!”

In this case, there is a lot of accusation, attack and judgment, while focusing on the driver/listener.

The passenger complains: “When you drive 95 mph, I feel so scared! I’m am so afraid of speed, that I literally sit in sheer terror when I look at the speedometer, and when I see us pass other cars at what feels like warp speed! And when I tell you how I feel about all of this, it seems to me it doesn’t matter to you. Please understand I am not telling you what to do or not do, I am telling you how I feel and why. After this last trip, I am going to have to re-think whether or not I can drive with you on long trips. I may have to fly and meet you there.

In this instance, the main focus is the passenger, feeling states, and possible decisions about future travel the passenger might make based on experience. There is no attack, judgmental attitude or accusation.

Re-read each one again. The main difference between them is that the critical one is all about the driver, and the complaint is all about the passenger. Bottom line, which way would you rather hear the speaker? No doubt, some of you who are less conflict averse will prefer the direct criticism, or at least might not be derailed by it. Others may want to hone their skill of complaining.

And by the way, complaining is NOT the same as whining! Complaints require that you talk about yourself, not your partner. Complaints are NOT “I” statements. Complaints are descriptive statements about your experience which, indeed, may contain the word “you,” such as, “… when you drive 95 mph I feel scared!” The purpose of the complaint is to detail your experience, make it real for the listener. While generally not responding favorably to demands, listeners do tend to respond more favorably to hearing the speaker’s experiences and behavioral changes the speaker makes in response to their experiences.

Why? Because when I become aware of the impact of my behavior on you, I can then access empathy or compassion for you. That often results in behavior change because ultimately I do not want you to feel bad. On the other hand, while being criticized, which is often experienced as an attack, it will be very difficult, if not impossible, to simultaneously feel empathic. Attack triggers the fight or flight response, not the compassion response.

Is it possible to be critical without attacking? Certainly, but it takes couples working out a system they can both agree on, practice, become comfortable with, and trust. In the meantime, try developing the art of the complaint. Remember—it requires you to talk about yourself, take responsibility for yourself, while not attempting to change your partner.

The bottom end of a bed is shown with clothes laying on it.Since my last blog, Depression Medications: How Can You Get Your Libido Back? a number of you have asked for more information about possible sexual side effects caused by antidepressants. Before I say more—a cautionary word—I’m a psychotherapist/counselor, not a medical doctor/psychiatrist. So what I write in this blog is drawn from my (extensive) experience working with people who have challenges and/or difficulties with sex—I’m a sexologist, not a psychopharmacologist!

Some of the worst culprits, or libido smashers, are the selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) such as Effexor, Paxil, Prozac, and Zoloft. Unfortunately, these are all heavily prescribed. I mentioned last month that many folks can benefit from a so-called “drug holiday,” when they forgo their medication for a few days. Be aware that this intervention does not work for Prozac. This is due to the much longer period of time that Prozac remains in the bloodstream, compared to the other shorter-acting SSRIs, like Zoloft.

Several types of antidepressants have virtually no side effects. The most common ones that I hear about are Wellbutrin, Xanax, and Klonopin. I’ll often suggest, to the new people I see, substituting (with the agreement of their medical doctor, of course) Xanax or Klonopin for Wellbutrin because the latter can exacerbate anxiety or “agitated depression,” as it’s called by psychiatrists.

Wellbutrin is also infamous for causing insomnia and headaches, which tend to make most of us anxious, and it certainly doesn’t contribute to an enjoyable sexual connection! Wellbutrin is pharmacologically distinct from the SSRIs, as it enhances the neurotransmitter dopamine, which has the opposite effect on libido and orgasm of serotonin. Xanax and Klonopin are usually prescribed to combat anxiety, not serotonin, so they tend to have very few sexual side effects.

I will often recommend that people who are leery about psychotropics try St. John’s Wort, which is most effective, I’ve found, for Type A blood types (remember, I’m not prescribing, just using anecdotal experience to make these suggestions!). Because it’s not regulated as a pharmaceutical substance, I’m told that efficacy can vary widely.

[fat_widget_left] The individuals I see in my office have reported that Viagra is effective for SSRI-induced absence of orgasm, and I’ve known people of both genders who swear by the botanical preparation ginkgo biloba to reverse libido, arousal, and/or orgasm problems. One sex therapist colleague tells me that Viagra can be helpful for women as well, but no one I work with has directly reported this to me.

If switching to an alternative psychotropic is not clinically appropriate or effective, some doctors might recommend adding another medication on a daily or as-needed basis. Many people are hesitant about taking one drug, let alone two! But for those who are comfortable with it, a second medication can often offer an antidote to the side effects of an otherwise helpful medication.

Most commonly, a sexual-savvy psychiatrist will prescribe a single low dose of Wellbutrin for people complaining of sexual side effects from other antidepressants—employing lower does of Wellbutrin than would be necessary to treat depression alone. These small doses can restore the serotonin-dopamine balance that I mentioned earlier, alleviating sexual side effects.

People starting out with me often ask if I suspect that their sexual problems are relationship issues or caused by medication. I always ask them how long the sexual challenges have been occurring. SSRI-induced sexual dysfunction follows a fairly typical pattern: it begins within days or weeks of starting the new psychotropic medication. For example, a woman may report that she can no longer reach orgasm with her husband within weeks of beginning Prozac for obsessive compulsive disorder.

Women rarely volunteer this immediately, but I ask LOTS of questions, which makes it easier to discuss sexual concerns. Men usually have less hesitation talking about such problems, and as one man said to me recently, “that’s why we came to a sex therapist and not the marriage therapist down the street!” The fact that I coach by phone also seems to help, especially for men, who might have difficulty opening up “when the plumbing doesn’t work!”

Don’t forget—if you have questions about your medications, make sure to discuss them with your medical doctor or psychiatrist.

An estimated 40% of students who begin college don’t graduate from their initial school within six years. While some take longer or transfer to a different institution, a great deal of these students drop out altogether. Seeking to learn the causes behind college dropout, Michigan State University analyzed surveys of over 1,000 college freshmen from ten different schools. Students were asked whether they’d recently experienced twenty different “critical events” (ranging from poor grades and money troubles to job recruitment and inheriting money) and were asked whether they planned to withdraw. Of the twenty critical events, depression was the factor most frequently linked with academic withdrawal. Other leading experiences included roommate conflicts, unexpected bad grades, recruitment to a job or different school, and increased financial burden (either losing financial aid or experiencing a drastic hike in tuition or living costs).

Depression has been on the rise in college campuses for the past several years, so it should come as little surprise that it’s influencing students’ decision to drop out of school. University counseling resources are being tapped by an increasing number of undergraduates, many of whom site financial strains on their family as a primary cause of personal angst, pressure and even guilt. The slow economy also serves as a metaphorical cloud over these students’ future plans, who fear meager job prospects upon graduation. (more…)

woman reading by windowWithout playing with fantasy, no creative work has ever yet come to birth. The debt we owe to the play of imagination if incalculable.
-C.G. Jung

Jung wrote about the need for finding and living our myth, our story, as he grew older, he wrote his most important works and found his own unique ways to play. We need new stories that weave playfulness, gratitude, and compassion for self and others. Re-writing your myth or story can help you understand more fully your core values. Your story reflects your uniqueness and the many gifts you have to offer others. If you fully expressed your values, how would others see you? Would it change your life in some way?

A life story re-told:

Playful Kingdom
A little girl sat reading alone and wistfully looking out the window of her bedroom –dreaming, flying to places far beyond the confines of her sanctuary. She spent as much of her time as possible outside playing—skipping, riding her bike, walking and exploring, traveling by bus around the local area, dancing and choreographing shows on the spot for the neighborhood, creating puppets, puppet shows, and theatre, observing animals and recording their behavior, making lists of local plants, and gently tending and feeding them.
When it was time to come inside, the little girl would walk up the stairs to her room and settle in for a long read or daydream or she would travel by foot to a community building in her neighborhood where she could read and even borrow books whenever she liked.

She flew out her window whenever her Spirit wanted to soar beyond the earthly bound. Her visits to various realms allowed her to remain playful in her own kingdom where life was not always easy; a large part of her kingdom was at war with itself. The little girl’s imagination, dreams, and playfulness provided her with the needed support and fearlessness to move forward.

She listened to her dreams, acted, and found she wanted more of life. Her dreams brought her news that led her down many paths both harrowing and heart-y. Because she never left her playfulness behind, the little girl’s dreams provided a landscape to travel in and return to as she wandered earth. Many fellow travelers dismissed dreams and their own unique natures in favor of others’ visions for them.

The little girl grew in power and authority. She began to blend her own unique vision with what she had learned from her teachers about dreams and their importance in creating a playful life filled with meaning.

She married and became Queen to her King. Her children and grandchildren thrived and played. Each morning dreams were told and listened to, reflected on, acted upon for the benefit of all.

Dreams foretold of changes big and small for the Kingdom. Masterful communication secured peace. Instead of fighting or retreating as in past conflicts the Queen, her King, and past foes stood shoulder-to-shoulder and met for the first time. Foe became friend. A playful path of risk-taking and foolishness replaced a deep ravine.

Now that you have read one woman’s personal mythology, I invite you to write your story in any way that feels right to you.

Some ways to get started:

Questions for you to consider as your write your story/myth:

A close-up picture of a paint brush dipping into a palette of mixed pain colors.Full permission has been given by the client to tell this story on GoodTherapy.org. All identifying information has been changed.

Images hold keys that unlock our inner experiences. Images can penetrate mental defenses that have been dispelling or diminishing the importance of feelings and experiences in our lives. During a traumatic event(s), images, sounds, textures, smells, and tastes can become hardwired in the brain to the event. At the time of a trauma, the body internalizes feelings that might otherwise overwhelm normal ego function. Later those traumatic experiences can be accessed voluntarily, or triggered involuntarily, through the senses or movement.

People usually come into therapy for help to alleviate problems, such as depression, anxiety, anger, or rage. A person may come into therapy seeking help to change the dynamic of a relationship, or to make better choices in their daily lives. Oftentimes, therapy involves working on current issues, while at the same time drawing parallels to earlier life experiences. In art therapy, a person may create a piece of artwork during a session by drawing with markers, ink, pencils, or watercolor. The person may do this while talking about events that are causing distress. The artwork can become a record of the session thereby providing a visual link to what was discussed.

Sometimes a person will bring in content from a recent dream. He/she may bring in a piece of artwork that he/she has created off site, and use that to delve more deeply into the experience. In art psychotherapy we pay close attention to the meaning images hold for the individual. The meaning of an image may be obvious or logical to the person. Sometimes the meaning of an image can evolve or change. Oftentimes an image is felt through a connection, but the meaning becomes known, later, through interacting with it.

[fat_widget_left]A man I see in therapy is making a video as part of his treatment. He came into therapy suffering from depression, anxiety, anger, and rage. He often brings his laptop or a thumb drive into session. Sometimes he addresses issues that are current in his life, and at other times he shows his work-in-progress and processes memories and experiences unearthed by his video project. Therapy is a process of trust-building, not only between the client and the therapist, but between the client and him- or herself. For this man, identifying the project that he wanted to work on and following through with it, helped him to build self-trust. Trusting that the project was going to be useful, trusting that he could execute it, trusting that he would complete it, and that he would learn something of himself helped shift his self perception of someone who never completes anything, to someone who has something to offer others through his video narrative.

This person had been traumatized throughout his childhood by relatives who inflicted physical and psychological pain upon him. A few years ago he acquired Super 8 film footage that included a clip of him when he was approximately 6 years old. In the short film clip that he transferred to video he is seen actively running around with other children. Since he was not the focus of the camera’s eye, the clip of him is very brief. He does not have other images of himself as a child, because his mother was mentally ill and incapable of operating a camera, and his father is unknown. The video clip captures his innocence, in a sense, because he wasn’t performing for the camera, he was simply being himself.

This man has looked at the short clip many times in session, while editing it into his larger video piece. He was able to incorporate other footage to create associations that refer more specifically to his experiences. He slowed down footage and sped it up. He made clips fill the screen and then vanish from sight, over a few seconds. He added a sound track of his voice, as well as music, that had personal relevance to him. He used transitions that helped him piece together events that spanned most of his life.

The few frames of Super 8 footage taken at an age when his memories were being formed, allowed him to connect to his experience and integrate them into his life. He processed his emotions and understood that his behavior was his way of numbing the pain. He was able to acknowledge his skill, having created a coping methods that, as a child, was necessary for survival. He learned that many of those early coping methods created other problems, such as drug addiction, incarceration, anger, rage and isolation. Through years of recovery and therapy he is now thriving and giving back to others, He volunteers and shares his story with those who have experienced similar traumas.

Images connect to the deeper recesses of who we are through the meaning we attach to them, both consciously and unconsciously. In therapy meaning is unique to the individual. An image can invite a conversation about meaning without a battery of forms or diagnoses that are necessary and useful for treatment, but in themselves often neglect the humanity and life experience of the person in front of us.

It is devastating for a partner to find out that the person they love is battling sex addiction by losing themselves in pornography or, even worse, engaging in multiple affairs. The partner is questioning whether they even want to be in the relationship, let alone rebuild trust. However, if both are willing to do the hard work by taking a look at what each individual needs to labor through and agree to a transparent and consistent plan, trust can be rebuilt and eventually restored.

So what does it take to make restoring trust possible? Here are a few important factors that can help the couple on their journey toward healing:

Understand the difference in forgiveness and trust.

Remember, forgiveness is for the person that has been hurt, not the offender! This releases them from holding the offense over the other person and gives them the chance to start healing. Too often, the sex addict feels that forgiveness equals trust and that can cause frustration for both individuals involved. Trust has to be rebuilt and restored over time where forgiveness is a choice when the time is right. Forgiveness can be a great step but it is only that, a step. If this principle can clearly be grasped, especially by the one battling sex addiction, it can go a long way in alleviating pressure from an already tense situation. (more…)

A young man sits alone in an empty playground and drinks a beer.Alcoholism, known more clinically as “alcohol dependence syndrome,” is characterized by craving, loss of control, and physical dependence. People with alcohol addiction can have negative impacts on those with whom they associate. Research has shown that children of people with alcohol addiction can develop some personality traits that may impact their lives as adults.

Here are 12 common characteristics of adult children of people with alcohol addiction as described by Woititz (1988):

  1. They guess what normal behavior is.
  2. They have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end.
  3. They lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
  4. They judge themselves without mercy.
  5. They have difficulty having fun.
  6. They have difficulty with intimate relationships.
  7. They overreact to changes over which they have no control.
  8. They constantly seek approval and affirmation.
  9. They usually feel that they are different from other people.
  10. They are super responsible or super irresponsible.
  11. They are extremely loyal, even when loyalty is undeserved.
  12. They are impulsive.

Research shows that adult children of people with alcohol addiction are at risk of having their own alcohol addiction, abusing drugs, and attempting or committing suicide. Also, they may develop patterns of compulsive behavior such as overeating and other eating issues.  And adult children of people with alcohol addiction often marry people with the same addiction.

If you are an adult child of a parent who is addicted to alcohol, remember that you are not alone. Millions of people have grown up in families with alcohol-related problems. Because of the environment they grew up in, they had to develop certain skills in order to survive:

Remember: You are not responsible for the alcohol abuse or violence in your family. If you are feeling overwhelmed, have strong feelings of depression and anxiety, or if you are consuming excessive amounts of alcohol or other drugs, get help. Seek support of family and friends, find a recovery group, or speak to a mental health professional.

Father consoles crying boyHearing “I don’t like you!” from your child can hurt, but don’t believe that they really don’t like you. Kids, as young as 2, learn to say “No;” they have their feelings hurt and want to do things their own way. They do not have the cognizance to say, “Mom or Dad, I’m mad because I can’t get my own way at this time, but I understand why you said I can’t do that particular thing.” If only they could!

On You Tube, I saw a video of a 3-year-old that told his mom that he only liked her when she gave him cookies. She listened and acknowledged what he said. She told him it was okay and that she loved him. He said he loved her too but doesn’t always like her. It was cute. If he was a little older, he probably would have said, “I don’t like what you said.”

If your child shouts, “I don’t like you!” in response to not getting his/her way, acknowledge his/ her feelings, remind him/her that it’s okay to not like the decision and remind your child that you love him/her. Though this may not always go smoothly, the more calm and consistent you are, the better.

When children say, “I don’t like you,” you have an opportunity to help them identify feelings and find more words so they can learn to express themselves verbally.

You might say:

Some kids will accept this as sufficient and others won’t. When a child gets more upset or doesn’t like the answer, remain calm and consistent. He/she will be okay. If tantrums become more extreme, continue to remain calm and consistent. It’s difficult, but it is necessary to not give in. You can still acknowledge the feelings briefly, without fully engaging in conversation with your child. Reasoning with a child when he/she has a tantrum is not helpful in decreasing or eliminating the tantrums, in fact, it reinforces them.

You can remind your child that when the nap is done, both of you can play with the toys, go to the park, or do something else.

Remember, kids don’t mean it when they say, “I don’t like you.” It can hurt, but your job as a parent is to raise your child to be able to express the thoughts and feelings he/she has in appropriate ways, be helpful and respectful, and have a strong sense of self-worth.

When you remain calm and consistent as best you can, this will help you both to work through the particular situation and get to having a more fun time easier and faster.

One book that is very helpful is Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours by Dr. Kevin Lehman. Check it out!

Important Notice

GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.