Couple sits on bench, turned toward each other, conversing deeply. Body language relaxedWhen working with couples, the first thing I assess is their communication, as this is usually a defining reason why they have walked into my office. Without clear boundaries and guidelines around communication, it is virtually impossible to dig into any issue. The WAY a person says something always trumps WHAT they are saying. In other words, STYLE always trumps CONTENT. Learning to communicate—and to communicate with care—may seem like a trite concept, but it is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship.

We learn to communicate from our caregivers. Since we were each raised differently, our communication playbooks are all different, too. When two people enter into a relationship, there are usually different playbooks in action fighting to emerge as THE playbook.

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If, for example, you grew up in a family that was loud and boisterous, you likely learned to do one of two things: become loud and boisterous or avoid loud and boisterous. The way you adapted to that communication style became a part of your communication playbook.

My goal is to help you and your partner come up with a common, collaborative playbook that feels good for both of you. Here are just a few suggestions and recommendations:

  1. There MUST be care in your words. This is a deal-breaker. Figuring out how to speak with care when angry, sad, shamed, or guilty requires vulnerability and accountability. It takes mindfulness and practice.
  2. Overt no-nos: yelling, name-calling, bullying, threatening, and attacking.
  3. Covert no-nos: nagging, pouting, stonewalling, lying, being a martyr, and zingers.
  4. No sarcasm. Sarcasm is a passive-aggressive (indirect) way of saying what you feel without being clear and direct. The Greek translation for the word sarcasm is “tearing of the flesh.” It is hurtful. Being funny and using sarcasm are two different things. If something is funny, you both laugh. If it is sarcastic, chances are only one of you is amused.
  5. Don’t start talking about an issue until you have “contracted” with the other person. Too many times, you may begin delving into an issue before the other person is ready, able, and available. It may be as simple as, “I would like to talk about ‘X’; are you available?” Contracting sets the tone, creates intention from both parties, and lets you know you’re both present and attentive. If, for example, you want to talk in bed at night, be certain the other person is agreeable and not falling asleep. Setting a time limit is another aspect of contracting. If it’s not a good time to talk, in addition to saying so it’s a good idea to provide some alternative time options. [amazon_affiliate]
    Having rules and guidelines both partners have had a hand in shaping allows for more accountability and collaboration, which can increase satisfaction levels when working through issues.
  6. If a conversation gets heated, take a time-out. If you take a time-out, it is your responsibility to say when you will come back to finish the conversation. Leaving a conversation without a restart time may be interpreted as abandonment and lack of care. If someone needs a time-out, respect it, stop the conversation, and don’t push or punish. Knowing there is a restart time may allow you to look at what has happened to get the two of you into a time-out situation. Both parties should ask, “What is my part in the dysfunction in this conversation?” and be willing to own it when you resume. It’s much easier to point a finger at the other person, but does nothing to get closer to solutions.
  7. Listen. You will know you are listening if you can tell the other person what they just said. If you are evaluating their content and waiting for your turn, you aren’t listening. Think of listening as the most caring thing you can do for your partner. Put your needs on hold. Try to gain an understanding of their perspective. Communication is not about convincing. Listening is an act of love.
  8. Remember, you are on the same team. When teammates have conflict, the energy of the conversation is much different than when adversaries go at it. Again, it goes back to care with your words. Sometimes I will ask, “Would you talk to your next-door neighbor the way you are talking to your partner right now?” This is actually a parenting tip from Foster Cline’s book Parenting with Love and Logic, but I use it frequently with couples. It’s called the “good neighbor policy” and is an effective and easy way to help reset communication during a conflict.

These are just a few suggestions for helping couples create a common communication playbook. Having rules and guidelines both partners have had a hand in shaping allows for more accountability and collaboration, which can increase satisfaction levels when working through issues.

Reference:

Cline, F. (2006). Parenting with love and logic. Colorado Springs, CO: NavPress Publishing.

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

We’ve been together about a year and a half, and from the beginning we established a mutual dedication to open communication and sharing as much with one another as possible. We weren’t together very long before that started to become challenged. Let me be clear: My girlfriend doesn’t lie to me, doesn’t cheat on me, and I don’t think she even intentionally keeps things from me. She just … doesn’t readily open the doors of communication and isn’t forthcoming with her thoughts or emotions. As someone who likes to talk about my feelings frequently and has heard her say things like “the more information, the better,” I find this incredibly frustrating.

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Just in the past month, we have had a significant discussion about how we agree it’s necessary to have difficult conversations, and the sooner the better when an issue or feeling comes up. And that discussion wasn’t even in reaction to any problem that had arisen—we were just positively reaffirming our dedication to such communication. But not two weeks later, she neglected to tell me about receiving a lengthy, heartfelt email from a mutual friend. It contained nothing that crossed boundaries for either of us, but was unusual and deserved attention. I heard about it from the mutual friend before I heard about it from her, however, and it took her a week for her to bring it up on her own. There was no special reason to keep it from me, she said, but she just thought maybe I already knew or she’d wait until she’d responded to let me know about it. She has also been quiet about hanging out with mutual friends when I wasn’t around, even though it’s not something I’m bothered by, and she knows that.

I’m just mystified as to why she continues to make an effort to assure me we have an understanding about mutual, honest, timely communication … and then leave me out of the loop when things happen in her life. It’s a strong disincentive to be open with her, too, and that saddens me. Is there anything we haven’t tried, or any new way I can bring this up to her that encourages her to trust me and talk to me more? —Deafening Silence

Dear Deafening,

I can just feel the intensity of your frustration—it comes through loud and clear in your letter. It sounds like you feel shut out by your girlfriend when all you want is to be deeply and profoundly connected. Beyond frustration, it seems like you feel quite hurt and maybe even alienated by your girlfriend’s lack of communication.

It sounds to me like there is a mismatch in each of your needs for communication. You seem to crave, and gain a sense of, intimacy from a high degree of communication, while your girlfriend is satisfied by a significantly lower degree of communication. Because you have stated there is no betrayal (i.e., infidelity, crossing boundaries, etc.), it doesn’t seem like the lack of communication on your girlfriend’s part is problematic in and of itself. It doesn’t seem to be rooted in trust issues. The issue seems to be the disparate needs you each have around communication.

Framing the issue as a disparate need for communication, as opposed to your girlfriend’s failure to communicate, doesn’t lay the blame at anyone’s feet. It’s just an acknowledgment you have different needs and doesn’t make anyone right or wrong.

Framing the issue as a disparate need for communication, as opposed to your girlfriend’s failure to communicate, doesn’t lay the blame at anyone’s feet. It’s just an acknowledgment you have different needs and doesn’t make anyone right or wrong. This can enable both of you to drop your defenses and try to really understand where the other person is coming from.

Much of how people communicate in intimate relationships is influenced by how they saw their parents communicate. Talking about each of your memories of your parents’ relationships might be a good place to start in trying to understand why each of you have the preferences you have around communication.

You also mentioned that your girlfriend’s lack of communication is a “strong disincentive” to be open with her. Why is that? There are hints of resentment in this statement, one of the biggest indicators there is work to be done to strengthen your relationship. However you proceed from here, I would encourage you not to let your girlfriend’s communication style dictate yours—especially since you both have expressed “the more, the better” when it comes to sharing.

You two might also find great value in working with a couples therapist on this issue. A therapist will likely be able to help you two understand each other on a much deeper level. This understanding could lead to a true sense of empathy for each other and quite possibly some movement toward the middle that could work for both of you.

Kindly,

Sarah

Two colleagues sit at a table to have a discussion in an officeWords are powerful. While this is not breaking news, there is often little consideration given to the effects of language and how it is used. Further, beyond one’s intentions in using certain words to communicate in a positive or negative manner, those words can be interpreted in radically different ways. Needless to say, speaking and listening aren’t always as straightforward as they seem. As such, I would like to discuss certain aspects of language, particularly its materiality and structuring power. Through gaining a deeper understanding of these aspects of language, my hope is people may feel freer to respond and connect with others in a manner more nuanced and aligned with how they feel.

The first aspect of language to understand is its materiality. At its most basic level, what makes something “material” is its ability to affect both time and space around it. In essence, something that is material is real, substantial, and leaves a mark. Consider an asteroid traveling through space: it has substance, and when it comes into contact with something it leaves a mark (i.e., a crater).

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Of course, a word alone has never left a crater in its wake; however, when certain words are spoken, either alone or in certain combinations, they can leave a substantial mark on the person speaking them or receiving them. Have you ever had a moment when something someone said to you “stuck”? Perhaps there is a special memory you can recall of a mentor giving you just the advice or inspiration you needed. On the other hand, maybe someone said something that figuratively knocked your legs out from under you (i.e., “You’re worthless,” etc.) and you’re still trying to get back up.

This, as an aside, forms the basis of nearly all concerns I hear in psychotherapy. Words may not make an observable mark, but they have materiality in their ability to leave a felt impact.

A second important aspect of language is its ability to structure or build a frame. When someone speaks, the words that are spoken create a framework through which to understand the conversation as a whole. For example, if someone starts a conversation by saying, “Don’t be mad, but …” or “I always mess this up,” what is one to assume the rest of the conversation will sound like?

Beyond affecting the recipient of words spoken, the framing nature of language can also impact the person speaking them.

Framing language sets the tone for how others may understand what is spoken. If an engineer was to say, “The stairs you are about to walk on seem sturdy, but I always mess that up,” would you be more or less likely to use the stairs? How does that framing statement affect your trust in the engineer and your confidence in the engineer’s work?

Beyond affecting the recipient of words spoken, the framing nature of language can also impact the person speaking them. This occurs as a self-statement, where the person who speaks is also the listener. In the above example, if someone states, “Don’t be mad …” as they prepare to say something, the implication inherent in this preface is the person speaking already feels shameful or bad about something that occurred, and is now predicting the person to whom they are speaking will be upset upon hearing about it. As discussed above, because language has an impact, framing what will be spoken in this manner may actually be more likely to elicit the unwanted response, something referred to as the self-fulfilling prophecy.

Words, then, are powerful indeed. Because using words is an everyday occurrence, it is easy to forget the mark they can make or how subtly they can frame a conversation. In understanding how you use language, though, you can avoid obstacles that may create distance in relationships through certain ways of speaking. And that, ultimately, increases the potency of said words.

In Part 2 in this series, we will examine the ability of language to bring new experiential worlds into existence.

A couple sits at a formal dining table, man reads newspaper, woman rests her head in her hand and looks off to one side. Wearing fancy dress.People who come to couples counseling often want to know: What is the most common problem couples experience? Some assume it is either financial disagreements or sexual issues, but while those are indeed common struggles in relationships, they are typically symptoms of a more significant, underlying issue. Others hypothesize the primary cause of failed relationships is frequent fighting. That’s not generally true, either.

The one thing that most often ruins relationships? A pattern of unmet expectations.

The pattern of not meeting expectations starts the same way every time: one or both people decide not to express their wants/needs. There are numerous, easily justifiable reasons for this. It could be you don’t want to deal with the vulnerability of possibly being rejected, or you may mistakenly believe the people who love you should automatically know what you want in all scenarios. Have you ever heard someone you care about say, “If you loved me, you would know what I need you to do” or “If you loved me, you would know what I like”?

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I hate to break it to you, but our loved ones can’t actually read our minds. Although we’ve been programmed to believe an inability to pick up on the subtle cues we send equates to a lack of love or caring, it’s simply so. It’s a very common issue in relationships of all configurations: one or both people continue to have expectations they don’t express, or state them in a way that is not understandable. One unmet need piles on top of the last. This happens over and over until it becomes an unhealthy pattern.

It’s a very common issue in relationships of all configurations: one or both people continue to have expectations they don’t express, or state them in a way that is not understandable. One unmet need piles on top of the last. This happens over and over until it becomes an unhealthy pattern.

Luckily, this is a problem with a simple solution. The key is to start changing the pattern as soon as you recognize it. The first step is to determine what your wants/needs are within the relationship. You can’t effectively teach someone how to treat you until you know yourself. We often focus so much on what we aren’t getting from our partner that we don’t even realize what we want. Make sure you know what’s most important, and be able to express that clearly before you even attempt to get those wants met; it may eliminate a lot of frustration and hurt feelings.

Then, even though it may sound scary, learn to express your needs. Talk about the difficult topics you have been avoiding. As much as we would like to think problems don’t exist if we don’t talk about them, they are always under the surface—until we start a conversation. Simply inquire about each other’s preferences in various scenarios. Discover each other’s values and beliefs so there can be a deeper understanding of related behaviors.

The idea of clearly expressing your wants/needs can be terrifying. There’s always the chance your partner will decide they don’t want to meet your needs. Maybe you will discover your values on a particular topic, something you have avoided talking about, are incompatible. You could find out there’s an area of the relationship that needs attention and effort. However, isn’t that better than the alternative?

You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be understood. You deserve to have your needs met. That can only happen if you have the courage to express yourself. There are great therapists out there, as well as other resources, if you need help getting things started.

Two adults with long hair work together at table; one says something with smile and gestureAs a mental health therapist, I often work with people who have difficulty making and keeping healthy friendships, as well as other relationships (coworkers, family members, partners, and the list goes on and on). Among the struggles I often hear is not knowing how to sincerely connect with someone.

One way to connect is by giving sincere compliments.

Compliments are a great way to connect because they make both the giver and the recipient of the compliment feel good. People enjoy being around other pleasant people, so if you make someone feel good, that person may be more likely to want to spend more time around and with you.

It might sound simple on the surface, but the people I work with in therapy sometimes struggle with how to give sincere compliments to others. I offer the following four tips to keep in mind:

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1. Be Genuine

Don’t give a compliment if you don’t mean it. If you tell someone you enjoy something when in reality it disgusts you, and they find out later, it may hurt your ability to be trusted or be taken seriously in the future. You don’t want to be considered a liar, no matter how good your intentions are. Genuine behavior is generally appreciated, and people may be more likely to respect what you say if you truly mean it.

2. Look for the Good

People enjoy hearing positive feedback. By focusing on the good, or the benefit, of someone’s personality, skill, interest, or other area you wish to compliment, you make it easier for a receptive response. If you find it difficult to compliment someone sincerely in a certain area, try looking at the situation from their perspective and what may have influenced their choices.

3. Focus on Your Feelings

When you focus on the pleasant feeling the recipient of your compliment feels, it feels good to them as well. When someone brings joy, love, or another pleasant emotion to someone else, it often makes them feel that same emotion in return.

4. Keep It Simple

Keeping your compliments simple and to a minimum may help strengthen your connection to the other person. When you give too many compliments, or engage in giving grandiose, complicated compliments, it can feel uncomfortable and a little off-putting. Keep your compliments to one to three at a time. In these situations, less is often more.

Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) offers an entire module focus on learning skills to improve one’s interpersonal effectiveness (the way one communicates and connects with others). One of the skill sets in this module is a great way to help people learn how to give sincere compliments. To remember these skills, DBT uses the acronym GIVE:

An example of a sincere compliment using the GIVE formula is as follows:

I’d love to hear your experiences giving and receiving compliments. Please share your most appreciated compliments below and how it felt to give or receive them.

Parent holds out clothes and attempts to converse with teenager looks away and off to the side Raising a teenager can be one of the most challenging tasks of parenthood. One day you are raising a sweet, respectful child who loves to be with you, and the next, you are tiptoeing around your house hoping not to wake the bear. At some point during adolescence, many parents will classify interactions with their teen as unpredictable, confrontational, and/or dismissive. It is during these years teens and their parents often feel as though they are speaking different languages. And often, both parents and teens suddenly think talking louder, in a more animated way, will somehow get their points across.

After working with adolescents and their parents for almost a decade, I have found that my initial role as therapist is interpreter. From there, I work to help them learn each other’s languages so they can go back to healthy communication and connection. I have many tools in my toolbox to help parents and teens reconnect, but one of the most profound is validation.

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Validation is the act of acknowledging another person’s thoughts and feelings and communicating to them that those thoughts and feelings make sense and are understandable given the situation. It is important to note validating is not the same as agreeing. Validation is important because it shows you are listening, you understand, and you are approaching the person in a nonjudgmental way.

Now, let us think about validation in terms of interactions with teenagers. When it comes to interacting with their parents, they often feel judged, unheard, and criticized. These perceptions frequently lead to conflict with their parents and/or withdrawal from interactions with them. When parents take time to validate (i.e., listen without judgment), teens often feel more open to having a conversation and more responsive to information being shared by parents.

Validation is disarming and encourages dialogue. In my experience, parents just want to talk with their children. Using validation can open those lines of communication again. Teens like to talk with people whom they feel understand them. The minute they sniff judgment or criticism, they may shut down or lash out. So, leading with validation can encourage connection.

When parents take time to validate (i.e., listen without judgment), teens often feel more open to having a conversation and more responsive to information being shared by parents.

Sounds easy, right? Well, validating a teen can be difficult for parents for many reasons. First, teens can seem somewhat irrational at times, and it can be challenging to find something to validate. Second, after weeks, months, or years of built-up frustrations and disagreements, it can be difficult to want to validate. Third, I have found parents often feel stuck on the idea that by validating they are somehow saying their teen’s behavior is okay and/or they agree with what their teen is saying. However, it is important to remember validation is a form of understanding, not agreeing. By validating, you are not saying your teen is right—you are simply using a tool to help start a dialogue and prevent a potential conflict.

According to Miller, Glinski, Woodberry, Mitchell, and Indik (2002), there are six levels of validation. Jeffrey B. Jackson, PhD, LMFT, adapted these levels and five of the six are shared below.

Think about the last time someone validated you in one of these ways. Didn’t it make you feel good? Didn’t you feel understood? Didn’t it make it feel safe to share more? We all crave validation, teens included. In fact, validation might just be the key to better communication and a happier household.

Reference:

Adapted by Jeffrey B. Jackson, PhD, LMFT from Miller, A.L., Glinski, J., Woodberry, K.A., Mitchell, A.G., & Indik, J. (2002). Family therapy and dialectical behavior therapy with adolescents: Part I: Proposing a clinical synthesis. American Journal of Psychotherapy, 56(4), 568-584.

Shot of a young couple talking and drinking coffee in a spacious white kitchenIt’s very common for couples to pursue counseling when communication issues begin to dominate their relationship. Does it ever feel like you and your partner keep missing each other on something? Or like your partner just doesn’t seem to get you anymore? Perhaps you feel you’ve been very clear about your perspective and it’s your partner’s problem that they just can’t seem to understand the issues from your point of view.

Blaming each other for what’s not working, although tempting, will not get you the satisfaction you so desperately desire. Whether you are struggling to navigate a difficult situation together or daily arguments have become the norm, everyone can benefit from improved communication. Here are five tips to help you get on a better track toward mutual understanding and a deeper connection:

1. Find an opportune time to talk calmly about the issues.

Preserving time to check in with each other can help you be more productive. Arrange a time in the near future when you are both likely to be calm and comfortable. Perhaps you find that morning tends to work best, or Sunday afternoon when you’re in a more relaxed mood. You may need to adjust your schedule slightly so you have some extra time.

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Too often, couples attempt to discuss an issue as it’s unfolding. While this may work some of the time, giving each other a heads-up to discuss something more in-depth may help you feel more relaxed and open with your partner. Take a moment to express your need and then follow up with a suggestion for a more opportune time. This communicates respect and consideration, which helps to promote an atmosphere of goodwill between two people.

2. Understand and communicate your partner’s perspective.

Listening can be tough, especially when the other person is saying something that triggers a defensive response in you. Remind yourself that you will also have a turn; right now it’s important to tune in and not interrupt. Make eye contact and be fully present with your partner. You can demonstrate being present by focusing exclusively on the conversation and what’s being said. It might be helpful to view the discussion as involving two subjective perspectives rather than one person being “right” or “wrong.”

If you’re not clear on something, ask a thoughtful question or two to make sure you really understand. You might even say, “Am I getting that right?” or, “I want to make sure I understand; tell me if I’m hearing you correctly …” Take turns talking and listening to each other. Spending just 10 minutes focused on the other person sharing their perspective can make a significant difference. If you find things are escalating, take a 5-minute break and come back.

3. Be mindful of your language and tone.

When you feel the urge to become accusatory or to begin a statement with “You always …” stop yourself. Ask yourself what you’re feeling in this moment.

It can be so easy to miss an important message when we don’t like the tone in which something is being said. Take inventory. When you feel the urge to become accusatory or to begin a statement with “You always …” stop yourself. Ask yourself what you’re feeling in this moment. Taking a minute to slow down before responding can help you say what you truly feel instead of becoming defensive or blaming. Perhaps you might try: “Talking about this always seems to lead us down a destructive path. I’d like to get to a better place with it, but I’m just not sure how.” This kind of statement might help to open up a more constructive dialogue.

If you find a particular topic is especially difficult, it may help to share your feelings surrounding the issue. For example, you might say, “I’d really like to talk about (the issue) with you, but I’m feeling anxious about it because I know this is an area we tend to struggle with.” Sometimes this sort of statement can relieve the pressure to get it right the first time. Be patient with yourself; with time and practice, communication with your partner can become more productive.

4. Think in terms of what you can give, not just what you can take.

While it’s certainly true good relationships involve both give and take, when both partners are focused on giving, they strengthen their ability to negotiate conflict more effectively. With some increased awareness, you can shift a problematic dynamic. Tune into your words and actions more carefully. Is there something you can say or do differently to yield different results? When we are kind, we send a caring message to our partner, and when we feel cared for, we can operate from a place of generosity and love.

What positive and unique qualities do you bring to your relationship? What makes you feel happy to provide to your partner? How can you contribute positively to the situation?

5. Notice and say out loud what you appreciate about your partner.

Everyone wants to feel appreciated and valued. It can be easy to fall into a thinking pattern of: “I feel like I do so much, but no one notices.” When we take the time to openly appreciate someone else’s positive qualities and good deeds, we foster an atmosphere of emotional generosity. Notice something about your partner that you feel grateful for? Share it! Be on the lookout for what you can appreciate and say it. Often, we tend to focus on what we don’t have or what’s not working in relationships. This critical shift in perspective to a focus on the positive can make all the difference. You might find your partner begins to share their appreciation for how awesome you are as well.

Taking the time to understand your partner’s perspective and to reflect back that you truly “get it” can have a significant impact on the quality of your relationship. The next time you find yourself a little stuck, try out the tips above to help you move toward a deeper, more satisfying connection.

Two people sit at table, looking at each other and holding coffee. One is talking to the other. Do you consider yourself a people pleaser?

Do you find yourself saying “yes” to people only to regret it moments later?

Do you tend to put others’ needs before your own?

If you answered in the affirmative to any of the above questions, it may serve you to become better at saying “no.”

William Ury, in his book The Power of a Positive No: Save the Deal, Save the Relationship—and Still Say No, suggests the dilemma we encounter in saying “no” often stems from an internal struggle between plugging into our own sense of power and a simultaneous desire to cater to, or foster, a relationship. Ury says we often find ourselves doing one of three things in response to a request:

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  1. Accommodate. We say yes when we really want to say no. This brings us a temporary, false sense of peace, later be replaced with apprehension and resentment. We defer to the relationship with no regard for our power and ironically end up undermining the relationship in the long run.
  2. Attack. We often do this with those we love the most, the ones we take for granted. We say “no” aggressively, stepping strongly into our power, but with no regard or attention to the connection with the other person.
  3. Avoid. We don’t prioritize our personal power OR the relationship; in other words, everybody loses. We dishonor ourselves and amp up our own discomfort by leaving something unresolved and disrespect the other person by not providing them with an answer.

It’s important to be able to say no so you feel empowered while still maintaining your relationships with others. Saying no helps you establish healthy boundaries and enables others to have clarity about what they can expect from you.

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Some people question what to do when they don’t have an immediate answer to an inquiry. It’s okay to take a little time to think about your response. To keep yourself from avoiding altogether, provide a deadline by which you need to decide what your answer will be. Tell the other person something like, “I need to give your request some thought. I will let you know by noon Friday.” This deadline keeps you accountable and ensures that you honor both the relationship and yourself by providing a concrete reply in a reasonable time frame.

Being able to say no may enable you to be more honest and authentic with others. You may be less likely to feel taken advantage of, and people may learn to come to you for the things to which you are more inclined to say yes.

A helpful strategy that can enable you to say no with greater ease is to gain clarity around the kinds of things to which you want to say yes. Make a list of your top three priorities (and understand that they may change). Post these priorities where you will see them all the time: your bathroom mirror, your nightstand, your laptop, your car’s dashboard. When someone asks something of you, check to see if it will serve any of the things you declared you wanted to put your time and energy toward. If the answer is yes, feel free to answer the inquiry affirmatively. If it is not in line with your objectives, say no.

Be clear, confident, consistent, and concise. It’s not necessary to offer a lot of information to explain your reasoning (in fact, sometimes it can invite challenges to your “no”). However, you can say something about the kinds of things you are willing to do, or the time frame in which you might be in a better position to say yes. Doing so lets others know you are acknowledging the request, and demonstrates respect for the person who asked. Communicating to others that they’ve been heard can go a long way toward strengthening a relationship, even when you say no.

Another helpful strategy suggested by Ury is to have an “anchor phrase.” Examples might be “I have a policy …” or “I’d rather say no to you now rather than disappoint you later” or “I only volunteer in connection with a particular cause.” Once you have your anchor phrase, you can practice it. As a result of being proactive and prepared, you may be able to say no more confidently so you can say yes to things that are truly important to you.

Being able to say no may enable you to be more honest and authentic with others. You may be less likely to feel taken advantage of, and people may learn to come to you for the things to which you are more inclined to say yes. People may learn to respect your yes rather than take it for granted, you may find that your resources are allocated more appropriately, and your connection to, and communication with, others may be healthier as well.

Reference:

Ury, W. (2007). The Power of a Positive No: Save the Deal, Save the Relationship—and Still Say No. New York, NY: Bantam Dell.

Young blond teacher stands at whiteboard and speaks to elementary-age studentIn today’s world, it is hard to stay truly connected with others. We are so used to our digital, screen-to-screen interactions that having in-person, face-to-face conversations can feel difficult to manage.

Dialectical behavior therapy, also referred to as DBT, has an entire module dedicated to offering skills and ways to help people communicate more clearly and interact with others more meaningfully. This module is called Interpersonal Effectiveness and it focuses on how the way you communicate and engage with others impacts the outcome of your interactions.

There are three main skills sets within DBT’s Interpersonal Effectiveness module, each related to a different goal or priority.

Skill Set No. 1: GIVE

If it is important for you to keep and maintain the relationship you have, you will want to focus on the first skill set. DBT offers the acronym GIVE as a way to easily remember these skills:

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Skill Set No. 2: DEAR MAN

If you are wanting someone to do what you want, DBT recommends using the skills in the second skill set, often referred to by the acronym DEAR MAN:

Skill Set No. 3: FAST

Are you looking to maintain your self-respect after an interaction? You’ll want to refer to DBT’s third skill set in this module, FAST:

If you keep these skills in mind, you should have little to no trouble keeping and maintaining important relationships in your life.

Reference:

Rathus, J. H., & Miller, A. L. (2015). DBT Skills Manual for Adolescents. New York, NY: The Guilford Press.

GoodTherapy | Long-Term Relationships: Rebuilding Love After Emotional DamageWhat’s “falling in love” anyway?

It has two components:

Part one: How the other person makes you feel about yourself.

Part two: How you feel about the other person.

These two parts are inextricably bound up together, and, as a matter of fact, part two follows from part one. Here’s why:

The “falling in love” kind of love, not the familial love that you have, say, for your parents or children, is about receiving. The other kind of love—the tender feelings for children, or the compassionate love that you have when you’ve been married 50 years—is about giving.

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So what is it you’re receiving when you fall in love?

You get a clear, bright, and shiny message of validation of yourself as a person. Many people can try to give you this message but it doesn’t work with other people. The one person with whom it works proves to you, in the course of being together, that he or she really gets who you are. Only someone who has plunged your depths and finds you amazing, special, and wonderful can offer this level of validation.

There may be people you have dated who feel as though they love you, but in your opinion, they don’t know you. Therefore, it’s impossible for them to validate you. Knowing the other person, genuinely knowing, is the cornerstone of intimacy. So you have allowed one person into your inner world, in the course of being together, and each step of the way you felt understood. This person, in return, continues to be intrigued by that process of knowing you, and wants more.

What could be a better experience than that?

That is part one (how your partner makes you feel). You feel exhilarated because after carefully letting down your guard to someone, this person has appreciated having been given the tremendous gift of you. Part two (how you feel about your partner) flows from this. As you let him or her into your private self, your partner did the same. And what did you find inside your partner’s heart and soul? A self that is very similar to yours!

Although opposites do attract, the fundamental, deep-down attraction comes from a reflection of oneself. Not only is this person validating you, but his very being (because it’s so much like yours) validates you all the more. That’s part two (how you feel about your partner).

(Incidentally, if you don’t see this, you do have to plumb the depths to find it. It is not on the surface. The surface includes a host of differences, but deep down you’ll find the sameness.)

So what’s “falling out of love”? The answer is: betrayal. You have opened up your soul; you’ve been vulnerable, and what did you get for it? You got hurt and betrayed. The betrayal doesn’t have to be as raw as cheating, although it can be that. But even ignoring a spouse when he or she is talking is betrayal. When this continues, the commonalities aren’t so apparent. Your spouse might be hurt, too.

Now, just suppose the two of you want to maintain the marriage. Maybe you’ve been married a long time. You may have had children together. How in the world can you get back to opening yourself up to someone who has hurt you? How can you possibly fall in love with such a person again? You are torn because it would be good to keep the relationship but the feelings just aren’t there. What can you do?

My answer is: Feeling can come back, but the process is backward from the way it was the first time.

The first time, you just opened yourself up and there it was. You can’t do that this time. Even if you really would like to, your survival instincts won’t let that happen, and you must honor those.

Here are some steps that you both can take:

1. Your partner must prove to you, in every conceivable way, that he or she has changed. He/she must acquire the skill of patience. That is, your partner is so anxious to wish away all the bad in the relationship—which is understandable—that he/she may make you feel like he/she is more concerned with what he/she is getting out of it than what you are being offered. If your partner has truly overcome his/her hurtful behavior, then it must go along with an attitude of patience for your healing—and giving of himself/herself. It has to be about you, not him/her, this time around.

2. You must be patient, too—with your spouse and with yourself. His/her awakening to the fact that you have been deeply wounded in the relationship, and that you need to heal, will dawn on him/her slowly. Your spouse will realize that change goes way beyond no longer being ugly with you. This may take time, and perhaps help from outside sources. And you can allow yourself time to heal from the hurts of the past, because that is a natural process that cannot be rushed.

3. This is a wonderful step. It is akin to noticing how your child is improving in math or picking up a language. There is the dawning awareness that your spouse is growing. Because your guard remains up (that was number one in this list), your powers of observation are keen, and you can see that something new is on the horizon. Expected behaviors don’t happen and new, lovely ones are in their place: consideration, gentleness, sensitivity, generosity of time and effort. From this, respect and trust begin to grow. Allow this step the time it needs to unfold. The more respectworthy observations you make, the stronger your trust will be in your spouse.

4. Respect and trust will allow you to open up, little by little. You won’t have to force it; it, too, will be a natural process. There will be new things in the “you” that has experienced all this pain: guardedness, healing, and newfound respect. These are the new things that you will be able to talk about. Your spouse opens the door to intimacy when you know that he/she has heard you. You become willing to be vulnerable and open more and more.

5. In turn, your spouse will be able to talk about his/her dawning awareness of his/her past selfishness and hurtfulness and any regrets felt over them. In these admissions, he/she too will be vulnerable, and this will open the door wider to falling in love again.

What’s the upside of this difficult process? It’s more than falling in love and even more than preserving a family. It’s something rich and mature that you can’t feel the first time around: It’s a rock-solid knowledge of who this other person really is, leading to a much deeper bond, greater respect, and stronger trust than you could ever have with a new person.

Black and white photo of blurred reflections of passersby “Narcissism.” This word is tossed around easily these days. Because people hear it so often, they tend to think they know what it means. This is often what happens when a clinical term enters the vernacular. But take a minute. What is your understanding of the word? Now ask three others the same question. I will bet you end up with four different answers.

Think about conversational use of “psychopath,” “sociopath,” “bipolar“, “OCD“, or “autistic,” to mention a few more. Two of those words have no clinical meaning at all, and the others are not likely to be understood accurately by anyone outside the health professions. Again, definitions likely vary from person to person.

So why is their use so pervasive?

To use a word is to align with a group that agrees tacitly upon its definition: to join the group of people who believe they understand the innuendo of its colloquial usage. You call someone a psychopath, for example, and you believe that others are likely to think you at least mean the person acts without regard to the welfare of others, often in a criminal manner. That’s just a sliver of the actual components of antisocial personality, the real clinical term that describes what people think they are saying with “psychopath,” but no matter. The word “psychopath” is unlikely to fall from the American lexicon anytime soon. The same goes for the slippery common usage of the other terms mentioned above.

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It is also a way to use shorthand to describe more complex thoughts. Speaking in buzz words such as “psychopath” or “narcissist” is to speak with semaphores, abstractions. You assume meaning is implied. Remember, for example, that people visualize different shades of color when you say “red” or “blue.” That’s why we say “crimson,” “scarlet,” “vermillion,” “azure,” “cerulean,” or “sky.” We try to be specific when we describe color in order to communicate accurately. Why not be as specific as possible when describing your own reactions?

Another possible reason for using terms like these is because it might seem more educated to call someone a psychopath rather than a thoughtless and selfish bully. If you really understand something well, however, you are able to explain it to a child. Using impressive words sometimes masks insecurities, and it can also be an unconscious attempt to deflect attention from otherwise vague understanding.

It is not just the language of mental health that gets eviscerated and co-opted in this manner. People often claim that something begs the question, for example, which is a term borrowed from formal logic. (To “beg the question” means to “assume something you’re trying to prove,” instead of proving it. It doesn’t mean forcing the question.)

People say someone is “libel” when they mean responsible, which no doubt makes lawyers cringe. And you hear climate change disparaged as “just a theory,” a dismissal that demonstrates a miscomprehension of the scientific method.

It is difficult to look at any news source without stumbling upon a discussion of the supposed narcissism of Donald Trump. Is it inaccurate to use this word when talking about the Republican candidate for presidency of the United States? His behavior suggests there is a reason the word “narcissist” seems to be everywhere these days. I suggest there are better, more specific words that would describe it with undeniable precision. No diagnosis is required to speak about him in meaningful terms.

When you hear Trump speak, what do you feel? What do you think? When you watch his posture and gestures, what is your reaction? What thoughts does his presentation evoke from you? This is interesting stuff. This is what your friends want to know about you. By providing it, you give them permission to go deeper in their own comments and articulate their own personal responses with greater discernment.

Anyone can apply insight to watching Donald Trump and describe his manner, behavior, and persistent views with knife-like accuracy. Borrowing clinical terms actually dilutes this accuracy. Go for articulating your opinion in your own meaningful language instead.

The Goldwater rule is the colloquial name of an aspect of medical ethics that the American Psychiatric Association developed after certain psychiatrists put forward their purported psychological evaluations of Barry Goldwater, the Republican candidate for the presidency in 1964. These psychiatrists claimed that because of his mental status, he was not fit to be president. He sued for libel and won.

APA ethics have since required diagnoses to be made only when someone is a patient or client, rather than based upon observations of someone in the public eye. This makes many mental health professionals duly wary about making public declarations.

It is certainly worth examining our daily language for hollow words such as “narcissist.” For example, is it really so bad to say “selfish”? Or to describe the way a person’s behavior hurt you or damaged someone else? Speaking your own truth is more powerful than any borrowed term could ever be.

It is clear that times have changed since 1964, when America had three television channels. Today, we have access to so much information about public figures that it is possible to get a profound sense of who a person is without actually having met. In fact, with the current Republican candidate for president, it is likely that mental health professionals know more about him than they know about the interactions and lives of some of the people they meet with in their offices.

So what does this mean with regard to the term “narcissism”?

First of all, there really is a clinical diagnosis called narcissistic personality disorder. Like the other personality issues, it is descriptive of pervasively distressing characteristics which impede an individual’s ability to live a fulfilling and healthy life. Such a diagnosis can be devastating, whether accepted by an individual or denied. It is a difficult path to change. Emotional wreckage lies in the wake of such persons over the course of their lives.

For clinicians who wonder about Trump, for example, there is no shortage of conversation among peers. There is plenty of material to discuss. Whether the APA Goldwater rule should be reviewed seems a fair question, considering so much accurate personal information is available. We can watch people we don’t know personally speak and interact in public. Still, most mental health professionals remain reticent about going public with their thoughts on this subject.

It is certainly worth examining our daily language for hollow words such as “narcissist.” For example, is it really so bad to say “selfish“? Or to describe the way a person’s behavior hurt you or damaged someone else? Speaking your own truth is more powerful than any borrowed term could ever be. Also, your well-considered personal statements convey more information than a word that each person is likely to interpret in a different way. The more code words, such as “narcissist,” we add to our speech, the less likely we are to be fully understood.

The mitigating fact for psychotherapists and other mental health professionals is always this: we can never truly know all that goes on inside the mind and life of another person. We study and train for years and then pass licensure examinations in order to have the privilege of offering what we hope are helpful observations to the people who come to us for help. Good psychotherapists live in deep humility, aware of the great gift of trust placed in them by people in distress.

If we refrain from making cavalier diagnoses, might it not be prudent also for nonprofessionals to consider doing the same? And if the goal of communication is to convey thoughts and feelings and observations to another person as fully as possible, why not go for the accuracy that your own personal vocabulary is able to provide? Describe. Explain. No diagnostic language is necessary. Most people would better understand your own definition of bullying and your views about a person who bullies than they would your description of the same person as “narcissistic.”

GoodTherapy | 3 Ways Technology Can Negatively Impact Your RelationshipsThe information age has rapidly changed how we conduct ourselves in business, education, and in general human interaction.

Advances such as email, instant messaging, and social media were all created to make communication easier and more convenient. Families and friends across great distances can now more easily communicate face-to-face anytime they want. Dating sites successfully match thousands of soon-to-be spouses each year, and parents can more easily keep in touch with their children throughout the day.

However, as society adapts to these fresh avenues of contact, there are also ways new technology threatens to strip away important aspects of how people relate and connect on a personal level. This can be especially true in our most intimate relationships.

Here are three areas in which technology may negatively impact relationships:

1. Intimacy

Intimate relationships often have their own challenges, and changing technologies can contribute even more to the stress of modern relationships. Sometimes, the ways people use technology can create problems between romantic partners, potentially stirring conflict and dissatisfaction in the relationship.

A 2014 Pew Research Center poll indicated that one in four cell phone owners in a relationship or marriage found their partner too distracted by their cell phone. Nearly 1 in 10 had argued with a partner about excessive time spent on the devices. The poll noted that many arguments between couples may have something to do with tech use, such as deciding when to use devices and when to abstain. They also found that younger users were more likely to report both increased tension and enhanced closeness in their relationships as a result of technology.

[fat_widget_right]Technology is also changing some of the most intimate ways in which couples connect. Sexting—sending someone text messages containing explicit sexual content—has increased among adults since 2012, with one in five cell users having received a sext from someone they know—a one-third increase in four years.

2. Distraction

Technology can be an effective distraction in the current moment, over a long period of time, and even in its absence. According to a 2015 poll of 453 adults across the United States, nearly half of all respondents reported being distracted by their phones in the presence of a romantic partner.

Those moments spent focused on technology can quickly add up to a sizable portion of a person’s waking hours. The same allotment of time that just a few years ago might have been considered an online addiction is now commonplace in smartphone use, especially among younger users. It represents a shift in how people spend their time and where they focus their energy.

Technology can also be a distraction when it is not in use. When briefly disconnected from their smartphones in a 2014 study, self-described heavy users indicated having higher anxiety levels than moderate users after just 10 minutes.

3. Depression

Heavy use of social media has also been shown to negatively affect mental health. A recent study from the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine examined depression rates in younger adults, finding significantly increased odds of depression among those spending the most time engaged in social media.

Looking specifically at only personal social media activity, they concluded that heavy use was significantly associated with increased depression and highlighted the importance of identifying interventions for heavy social media users before they experience any mental health issues.

The report also notes that multiple studies have linked social media use with declines in mood, sense of well-being, and life satisfaction. These declines could be related to FOMO, or the fear of missing out, which studies have shown is often exacerbated by social media use.

Syncing Up by Powering Down

According to Ohio counselor Jessica Wade, MAMFT, LPCC, the emotional connections forged by couples through body language, nonverbal communication, tone of voice, and facial expression are essential to the relationship and impossible to replicate with technology.

“Overreliance on technology might cause misunderstandings, and partners lose the opportunity to make those immediate relationship repair attempts that happen in the moment during in-person communication,” Wade said.

The benefits of technology reside in an ability to elevate the human experience, but experts advise use of new devices and platforms should be grounded in perspective of how the new technology has the power to change communication and the way people relate to one another.Experts recommend finding alternatives for curtailing technology’s potential downsides. To break the cycle, the first step may be to temper, or significantly reduce, how much time is spent focused on devices, apps, and messaging services.

Finding time to consistently detach may require penciling it in on a daily schedule. Allotting non-use times (such as during dinner or date night) can help reground partners in their relationship or individuals to their surroundings.

Many individuals, couples, and families have sought therapy when technology overtakes other priorities. Experts also advise improving communication skills whenever possible—something technology can actively disrupt. In a time when emails and text messages have replaced other methods of communicating, the manner and skill with which people express themselves can become less robust and more mechanical.

Studies have also found significant value in spending as much time in nature as possible. One study by Dutch researchers found lower levels of anxiety and depression among people living within 0.6 miles of a park or wooded space.

The benefits of technology reside in an ability to elevate the human experience, but experts advise use of new devices and platforms should be grounded in perspective of how the new technology has the power to change communication and the way people relate to one another. Identifying ways to use these new inventions successfully—without cheating yourself out of genuine human connection in the process—may ultimately require more low-tech solutions.

References:

  1. Cheever, N. A., Rosen, L. D., Carrier, L. M., & Chavez, A. (2014). Out of sight is not out of mind: The impact of restricting wireless mobile device use on anxiety levels among low, moderate and high users. Computers in Human Behavior, 37, 290-297. doi:10.1016/j.chb.2014.05.002
  2. Gardner, A. (2009, October 15). Being near nature improves physical, mental health. Retrieved from http://usatoday30.usatoday.com/news/health/2009-10-15-nature-anxiety-exercise_N.htm
  3. Lenhart, A., & Duggan, M. (2014). Couples, the internet, and social media. Retrieved from http://www.pewinternet.org/2014/02/11/couples-the-internet-and-social-media/
  4. Lin, L. Y., Sidani, J. E., Shensa, A., Radovic, A., Miller, E., Colditz, J. B., . . . Primack, B. A. (2016, January 19). Association between social media use and depression in U.S. young adults. Depression and Anxiety, 33(4), 323-331. doi:10.1002/da.22466
  5. Penn, C. (2015, October 5). Stop “pphubbing”: New research shows what happens when you focus more on your phone than your lover. Retrieved from http://www.essence.com/2015/10/05/stop-pphubbing-new-research-cell-phones-relationship
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GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.

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