On the Road to a New Relationship, Stay Alert to Red Flags

Our vehicle side-view mirrors warn us “objects in the mirror may be closer than they appear,” and I’ve found a similar distortion tends to occur in dating. Often in a new relationship, we fail to see or truly recognize the red flags as we are cruising headfirst into new, exciting territory. But after we veer off the projected path or ultimately crash, in hindsight the red flags are huge, obvious, and quite unmistakable.

A good friend of mine recently began dating a guy who seemed great, at least on paper. He was attractive, funny, open, communicative, and seemed eager to spend time together. He talked about long-term goals, being ready for commitment, and acted legitimately interested in her and in seeing where the relationship was headed. But very quickly, the conversations began to involve a lot of drama, and his lack of confidence, personal confusion, and jealous tendencies came out as he projected his personal baggage and insecurities onto her. The relationship ended in a pile of hurtful words and unfair accusations, and left my friend bewildered at how things had changed so quickly and how a seemingly great guy could turn out to be such a train wreck. But as we talked through everything that happened, she began to point to various incidents, saying, “Maybe I should have seen that as a red flag.”

Key Insight: Melissa Abraham, PhD, MSc There are many reasons why people might ignore worrisome signs and patterns in a new relationship. For example, if you are raised in an environment where things are often avoided or dismissed, conflict is avoided and harm can be rationalized or minimized in a way that carries forward in adult relationships. For example, “maybe it is my fault and they’re just doing this because they care”. If this environment also was unsafe and even harmful, there may be underlying neurochemical reasons why one might be more attached to someone who has red flag behaviors. It may be hard to look at the long-term consequences that may be ahead.

Research has identified specific categories of relationship warning signs, including monitoring behaviors, controlling behaviors, demeaning behaviors, threatening and aggressive behaviors, and jealous and possessive behaviors. Studies show that relational red flags are perceived as non-negotiable deal breakers and crucial lessons for healthy mate selection.

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When we are excited about the prospect of a new relationship and are getting to know a potential new partner, it’s easy to overlook the little “red flags” or fail to acknowledge things that may be cause for concern. We want to give the person the benefit of the doubt and may overlook or excuse questionable comments, behaviors, and actions. It’s all too easy to frame jealous questions, controlling actions, or pressure to move too quickly as signs the person is really into us or feels a deep connection. Yet putting on blinders to these potentially telling negative signs can ultimately set us up for more confusion, hurt, and heartbreak.

When I’m working with people in therapy who experience bumps along the road of a new relationship, I often reference current psychological research on relationship warning signs. According to recent studies, individuals who identify warning signs early are 85% more likely to avoid harmful situations. Research shows intuition accurately predicts problematic patterns in 92% of cases. This scientific backing validates what many therapists observe: our instincts often detect red flags before our conscious minds can articulate them.

Most relationship problems don’t appear suddenly—they were present early, just less visible. Patterns, not isolated moments, determine whether a relationship can grow or quietly collapse.

We tend to minimize, dismiss, or forget the negatives amid the excitement, lust, and yearning for love that may be present in a new relationship.

What’s particularly interesting is how there may be a gazillion little red flags, yet we may fail to see the bigger picture in terms of how these warnings add up to indicate signs of an unstable or dishonest person, or provide clues that predict a potentially unhealthy and rocky relationship. We tend to minimize, dismiss, or forget the negatives amid the excitement, lust, and yearning for love that may be present in a new relationship.

I now advise the people I work with in therapy to take a piece of paper and fill it with not just one but many small red flags in rows and columns on the page. Anytime something happens in a new relationship that seems off or makes them feel uneasy or uncomfortable, they are to jot it down in one of the red flags. Over time, they develop an unavoidably clear visual of any negatives and can more accurately judge how cautious they should be in investing in the person and pursuing an ongoing relationship.

Key Insight: Melissa Abraham, PhD, MSc This can ALSO help with seeing something as a red flag that may not be, such as a new partner spending time with a friend as a commitment issue instead of a healthy boundary, and can help clients be more accurate in understanding true red flags to attend to.

Relational red flags are important because they are signals that describe the undesirable qualities that should be heeded by the signal receiver in their assessment of whether or not to proceed romantically with the other individual. The concrete visual can help a person be more impartial. A few random red flags may be excusable. We all make mistakes. We all have bad moments, dating anxiety that may get the best of us, or insecurities that need to be worked through. But a lot of red flags that demonstrate a pattern of unfavorable traits, dishonest actions, or unhealthy dynamics should not be ignored. If you keep track and begin noting multiple red flags, stop and ask yourself if you are willing to compromise your relationship goals or sacrifice your well-being for this person of interest.

Key Insight: Melissa Abraham, PhD, MSc When writing down a possible red flag, consider what worries you, how it was identified (yourself or someone else pointed it out?), how you feel about it, is there fear? What made you jump over it in the moment? Sharing this with a therapist who can help situate the behavior in healthy expectations in a relationship or identify when you are overlooking something that does not feel safe, without necessarily providing advice, can be helpful to grow and mature in relationships. Even a consultation with a therapist to outline what you have written about the potential red flags is a great start to gain perspective.

Common red flags include excessive control, power imbalances, unstable emotional changes, emotional or physical violence, and commitment issues. Universal red flags that should always be taken seriously include violent behavior, excessive jealousy, controlling tendencies, or any actions that indicate manipulation or emotional abuse.

Cautiously considering red flags can help you make better, more balanced decisions. On the other hand, by overlooking important red flags, you may mistakenly idealize an undeserving person, prolong the struggles the relationship may bring, risk having your self-esteem negatively impacted, and delay the ability to move on and find a healthier, more desirable companion. It’s hard to be patient and insightful when you’re navigating a new relationship, but staying alert to the warnings that may arise can help you arrive at the destination that’s in your best interests.

• Hernandez, N. M., Tampus-Siena, M., & Rungduin, T. T. (2024). Decoding love signs: The role of perceived relational red flags in mate selection criteria among Filipino young adults. International Review of Social Sciences Research, 4(3), 2362.
• Korovich, M., Nicoletti, A., Bettinelli, M., Shank, F., Angelone, D. J., & Jones, M. C. (2024). That’s definitely a red flag: Sexual violence risk perception by men who have sex with men using dating and sexual networking apps. Sexuality & Culture, 29(2), 838-851. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12119-024-10301-4
• White, R. (2016). Relational red flags: Detecting undesirable qualities in initial romantic encounters. LSU Doctoral Dissertations, 2170. https://repository.lsu.edu/gradschool_dissertations/2170
• Zulic-Agramunt, C., Poo-Figueroa, A., Gatica-Bahamonde, G., et al. (2025). What is a healthy dating relationship and what helps it get there? Perceptions of Chilean adolescents from a gender and inclusivity perspective. Frontiers in Psychology, 16.
• Charlot, N., Joel, S., & Campbell, L. (2023). The predictive validity of intimate partner violence warning signs. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 16(2), 192–201.

References:

1. Hernandez, N. M., Tampus-Siena, M., & Rungduin, T. T. (2024). Decoding love signs: The role of perceived relational red flags in mate selection criteria among Filipino young adults. International Review of Social Sciences Research, 4(3), 2362.
2. Korovich, M., Nicoletti, A., Bettinelli, M., Shank, F., Angelone, D. J., & Jones, M. C. (2024). That’s definitely a red flag: Sexual violence risk perception by men who have sex with men using dating and sexual networking apps. Sexuality & Culture, 29(2), 838-851. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12119-024-10301-4
3. White, R. (2016). Relational red flags: Detecting undesirable qualities in initial romantic encounters. LSU Doctoral Dissertations, 2170. https://repository.lsu.edu/gradschool_dissertations/2170
4. Zulic-Agramunt, C., Poo-Figueroa, A., Gatica-Bahamonde, G., et al. (2025). What is a healthy dating relationship and what helps it get there? Perceptions of Chilean adolescents from a gender and inclusivity perspective. Frontiers in Psychology, 16.
5. Charlot, N., Joel, S., & Campbell, L. (2023). The predictive validity of intimate partner violence warning signs. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 16(2), 192–201.

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