When Depression Can’t Be Cured, You Can Still Cope

woman-mountaintopDepression doesn’t go away for everyone. For most people, depression is temporary and passes naturally or once the person has expressed the feelings and resolved the thoughts causing the depression. But there is a small percentage of people who can talk about their issues, express their feelings, take very good care of themselves emotionally, even take medication and have a great life, and still be depressed throughout their lives. They may have periods of feeling good, periods of feeling less bad, and periods of feeling horrible—for these people, the depression never goes away permanently.

Major depressive disorder is the medical term for repeated episodes of a very intense, deep depression that is disabling and enormously painful. People who are bipolar experience similar disabling depression during their depressive phases. Often, between episodes, people return to a functional, happy state. Sometimes people can also have a milder depression, even between episodes of major depression but the feeling of depression stays.

What is “Atypical” Depression?

There are also people with “atypical” depression who can be in a deep depressive episode and yet appear to come out of it long enough to laugh or enjoy something briefly before sinking back in, or can act normal for short periods. This can be confusing to both the depressed person and to other people. This isn’t an indication that the person is any less depressed or any less in danger than someone in a major depressive episode who doesn’t have those brief breaks. It’s just a different form. Atypical depression is also characterized by feeling emotionally paralyzed, physically leaden—barely able to move or engage in any activity, and often overeating, oversleeping, and experiencing sensitivity to rejection.

It’s difficult for most people to understand any kind of deep depression if they haven’t experienced it. What people see with illnesses or injuries is a runny nose, blood, expressions of acute physical pain, or an x-ray of what hurts. What people see when someone is seriously depressed is a person who isn’t doing anything; this person may be crying or snapping at them or sounding insecure and hopeless. These are behaviors we associate with personality and moral character—we think these are choices people are making, not an illness that has taken over their personality. Most people wonder why the unrelentingly depressed person doesn’t just get over it and may even wonder if it’s a manipulation or if the person is just lazy, weak, or giving in to something he or she could fight. It is difficult for the person who experiences it to describe because it is intensely painful, but not in any particular part of the body. It can be totally debilitating and sometimes even fatal.

Chronic, Servere Depression

People with chronic, severe depression are not indulging themselves, lazy, giving in, manipulating, or exaggerating their pain and dysfunction.

People with chronic, severe depression are not indulging themselves, lazy, giving in, manipulating, or exaggerating their pain and dysfunction. Taking this view is often destructive to them and the situation. While this kind of depression can be described as an illness, compared to other debilitating, painful, potentially fatal illnesses, it is pretty unique in the affect it has on people’s minds, behavior, personality, and thought processes. When the mind is part of the illness, other people may not recognize the ill one as the person they love, and that makes it more difficult to be patient, to take care of the person, and to remember what they loved about the person, much like when a loved one has Alzheimer’s.

Of course, this is all true for someone who has one episode of major depression, but it becomes much more complicated when it is recurring and takes over a person’s life. We know that, statistically, every major depressive episode someone has makes additional episodes more likely. So once a person has had two or three such episodes, it’s pretty clear that more of them will happen, and likely with increasing frequency. It’s also likely that during significant hormonal events, such as menstruation, pregnancy, childbirth, perimenopause, and menopause, women with recurring major depressive episodes will be especially vulnerable to having another episode.

How does a person live with a chronic disability that can’t be effectively described to those around them? How do people function? How do loved ones take care of them long-term? How do relationships survive? Can depression last forever?


  1. Depression In-Depth Report. (n.d.). The New York Times. Retrieved from http://www.nytimes.com/health/guides/symptoms/depression/print.html
  2. Women and Depression: Discovering Hope. (n.d.). National Institute of Mental Health. Retrieved from http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/women-and-depression-discovering-hope/index.shtml

© Copyright 2018 GoodTherapy.org. All rights reserved. Permission to publish granted by Cynthia W. Lubow, MS, MFT

The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.

  • Leave a Comment
  • Ms Froge

    February 9th, 2012 at 5:51 PM

    I grew up with a mother who has never been happy, has always been depressed and we as kids were always trying to find out ways to make her happy. Nothing ever did. And that hurt us as kids not knowing that it was not us making her unhappy, that that was just her state of being and there was nothing that we could do to bring her out of that funk. Eventually I know that is what killed her, you can’t live and thrive with that kind of sadness and depression in your life all of the time. There is no one who could stand that.

  • Sustainable

    June 4th, 2016 at 4:54 PM

    Ms. Froge,
    I think what you wrote was very honest and a true difficult experience a child with a parent with depression goes through. I myself, have major depression, moderate that is recurrant. The depression I experience is explained to a tee, in the article above.

  • Kathryn

    June 30th, 2016 at 7:40 PM

    My husband keeps telling me “there are people in the world dying and homeless and your upset because I won’t hold you for a few minutes?” He just doesn’t get it. And of course I understand there are people out there with very real world problems, and I wish I could help each of them. But depression is not always tangible. A lot if not all the issues are mental and you CANNOT just make them go away. Maybe because we are a young couple or whatever reason it’s very hard to reach him with the realization of how serious my depression is. And sometimes it makes me want to hit myself repetitively in the head or just bleed out until I’m dead. But this is thee first article I have found that explains constant and chronic depression this well, and I fully intend on sharing this with him. I am always scared he’s going to give up on me because he might think I’m stupid or weak. When really it’s the depression sucking away at my insides like a prarasite.

  • Sam

    August 5th, 2016 at 2:23 PM

    I too can relate to this article. My mother had terrible depression and killed herself. Our life with her was mostly chaotic. In turn, I have also lived with depression most of my life. It’s always there. It’s like a very bad heartache that won’t go away. I appreciate this article as those of us who have it cannot help it. We do not want to feel like this. I take it a day at a time. Most days are bad with moments of happiness. I appreciate your comments.

  • Tori

    December 23rd, 2019 at 9:59 PM

    I know. I have depression, and it just engulfs me in a black cloud that lets me down, breaks my wings, and makes it hard to fly into a world where i can be myself again.

  • john

    November 14th, 2016 at 4:06 AM

    I am 44 years old and since last 3 months suffering from depression, i have tried to discuss about how i feel with my wife, who is quite a strong person. It all started when my elder daughter left home for higher studies to a foreign country, it suddenly hit me that both my daughters are going to leave home. Now i want a son for us and my wife has refused. I am unable to handle the situation.

  • Kathleen

    November 27th, 2016 at 9:31 AM

    I understand. Nothing is really wrong, u just can’t snap out of this dreaded feeling. I act like life is fine but I’m dying inside.

  • miao

    January 24th, 2017 at 7:25 PM

    depression is really in your own mind. we have to do our best to help ourselves and try to change the situation we are in. Sometimes we can reach out for help but it’s really all about ourselves. It has to take motivations to act and change things. Sometimes it seems like there’s no light and it’s hard to move on, but the most important thing is that we don’t give up. There are still beautiful and kind things and people in life.

  • Mark

    February 10th, 2017 at 7:59 PM

    I pretended to be fine for 5 years and wax dying inside. I only slept a few hours a night. I didn’t want to go to sleep because the morning would come to soon, but I wanted to sleep so I would have a few hours without pain. I would sit up for hours in the dark. My wife works Saturday’s and I would sit in a chair all day unable to move. It’s funny how your body can hurt all over when the problem is in your head. I would sit with a gun in my hand I don’t think I would do it, bit it seemed to help knowing I didn’t do it. I felt I was near the end and went to the cematary and cried out to God to please put me in a grave. I cried until I had no more tears. The next day I went to my grandparents cematary and did the same thing. I know my love for God and my family kept me a live. After that I made an appointment with my doc. He held my hands and prayed for me and put me medicine. That wax 5 years ago and I still have bad days and have tried cutting back on my medicine, but I can’t. I’ve come to realize I may never be cured and that’s what brought me to this site by searching for never being cured.

  • Kim

    August 21st, 2017 at 3:28 PM

    I to suffer from depression. I was wondering if anyone on here has parents that are actually happy and not depressed.

  • Tori

    October 21st, 2019 at 1:39 PM

    I understand everything that goes on in your lives, I am 17, and suffering from depression, the black cloud just keeps getting bigger, and bigger, and sometimes, that can be agonizingly difficult, I feel for everyone of you, I hope it gets better.

  • mike

    November 11th, 2019 at 7:17 AM

    I feel the same the exact way.

  • Eve

    December 1st, 2019 at 9:38 PM

    My father had a saying: A son is a son til he takes a wife. A daughter’s a daughter the rest of her life. Children do grow up and move away, but they soon have children that love to be with their grandparents. Then all the fun starts. You can plan art projects, or teach them to play sports. So much fun.
    If you have depression that some new interests to cheer you up can’t change you could speak with your GP about about an antidepressant. There are programs for children who would love to spend some time each week with a responsible adult, like the big brother program. That would be a great thing to do for a child that is already here. The time goes buy faster than you think. Before you know it, you’ll probably have grandchildren. You’ll need your energy to take care of them. Your children will want your help. Life is very busy for young parents today.

  • Bryson

    February 10th, 2012 at 6:14 PM

    People have to wANT TO HELP THEMSELVES. They can’t get better unless a part of them wants it, but if that happens then they stop getting all that attention from families and docs and stuff. And they would not be able to function at all without that.

  • Lori

    November 28th, 2012 at 12:45 PM

    I really believe you have no idea what you are saying. Obviously, you do not suffer from a mental disorder. I think it would be best if you would not respond to subjects that you know nothing about. Honestly, it makes you look quite ignorant! If you really want to know, people with mental disorders do not want attention. That is the farthest from what they want. All that I and others want is to get better. To able to function in this world. Have some compassion.
    The Depressed

  • Jeremy E.

    January 4th, 2017 at 11:14 PM

    Lori. I know exactly how u and others feel on this website. I often think of ending it and that I cannot be fixed or that my depression will never end. People whohave never felt thistype of depression simply do not understand and most prolly don’t care cuz it doesn’t involve them. I Pray to god all the time for everyone depressed that there will be a cure or someway to get better. Keep praying everyone and never lose hope. God Bless you all….

  • Denise

    April 8th, 2017 at 5:52 PM

    would like to part of a Community with similar problems to mine. I am in a small town, and talking to anyone here is NOT an option.

  • Lori

    May 13th, 2017 at 9:00 PM

    Lori, I agree wholeheartedly with you. People like Bryson are another reason we cannot get better. Assuming we are staying in this hell to get attention is the most asinine thing I’ve ever heard. First of all, the attention we get is not positive. We feel like a burden to the people we love most. They want us to be healthy, but have no idea how to help. We have no idea how to help ourselves. We feel hopeless & awful. If you have not experienced it, your opinion is not educated enough to share. I’ve battled this disease for 40 years. Most of the time successfully. I lost a close family member, last year, and have relapsed into a dark place. I want more than anything to feel good again. I don’t know if I ever will. I’ve done hospitalization & suffered awful side effects of various meds that doctors prescribed to try and help me. To no avail. Doing it for attention? Hardly! I isolate myself from my family & friends so they don’t see how bad it really is & worry. That’s just one more thing to worry about. I pray that one day the ignorance will be gone & people will understand. We have a disease. Just like a diabetic. Or, are they just doing that for attention? Our brains don’t work like other people’s. Just as a diabetics body doesn’t regulate sugar like mine does. I’m no better or worse than them. We both have an illness. They don’t have to deal with people punishing them for being sick, though. I’d trade any day for an illness that can be seen on a slide & treated easily.

  • M

    February 23rd, 2018 at 3:06 AM

    Well said my dear Lori! Obviously you understand the awful pain of depression. But Bryson is clueless and very mean! Keep those thoughts to yourself dude and you need to get a heart and not be arrogant!

  • Ange

    March 27th, 2014 at 9:08 PM

    Dear Bryson,

    I’m not sure the purpose of you reading the information here.

    I’m using great restraint in keeping my words and thoughts about you as kind as I can.

    I wish you well and that you discover the true source behind your anger

    I wish you wisdom in your life’s journey’s

    I encourage you to consider the need for increased capacity for personal insight

    I hope that you are able to grow in your knowledge if you choose to provide opinions

    Consider reading about emotional intelligence, empathy, compassion, consideration

    A Final Proverb: Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt.

    and to the others who chose to respond to Bryson’s post Yes! I think I only remained “kind” in my response because you spoke the angry words for me :)

    TO ALL OF THE INDIVIDUALS HERE that experience depression, or are a close friend or family member of a loved one with depression we all walk a very different walk on the same path and I am grateful for the honesty and openness shared here.

    LASTLY, I’m extremely thankful for the professionals who moderate and provide counsel, guidance, resources, and support.

  • Tori

    October 21st, 2019 at 3:03 PM

    I’m sorry as well, I get everything that goes on in your life, I to have suffered much, the black storm inside of the brain steals all of the good feelings inside, until nothing is left but sorrow and anguish, we all need a shoulder to cry on every now and then, sometimes more, depression engulfs everyone and everything, sometimes we want to scream for help, but no sound comes out…
    I hope you feel better

  • Tony

    July 24th, 2016 at 1:57 AM

    Bryson. I don’t agree. You are very ignorant on the topic. It isn’t a choice. We can’t just turn on a light switch a be better. We are from self-indulging. We just want a normal life. People like you with your stigma of person’s with a mental illness is what keeps us with depression or other mental illnesses from going out to explore what’s around us and meet more people with a stigma such as yours. I wish nobody had a mental illness. They say one if four in North America have the illness. Maybe you will be fortunate enough to become the one/quarter and experience first hand. Then I hope all your friends who have had a mental illness and those who haven’t apply the stigma against mental illness towards you.

  • Tony

    July 24th, 2016 at 2:01 AM

    Bryson. One more comment. Who says we are not trying to help ourselves. That is baseless assumption based on a stigma.

  • Susie

    October 24th, 2016 at 1:26 PM

    We do not do this for attention. We can’t help it. It is mostly uncontrollable and frustrating. Meds and therapy do not help. If it did we would feel better.

  • Dana

    October 27th, 2016 at 6:08 AM

    You are a very insensitive person. How dare you say “you have to want to get better” Every depressed person want to get better but their mind is the problem. Off your mind is not allowing you do to so, you on stuck fighting a monster/Gladiator…. Imagine when some is drowning and they come up for air they are hoping each time they come up it will be the last time they will go under. This is what people experience with depression. They don’t want to drown, but they might. Can you Byron understand what living like this must be. I do. I have 3 beautiful children a husband that LOVES me unconditionally, lots of friends and family and most of all I have a LOVING relationship with GOD. I have want for nothing, yet depression is the only thing in my life that is a hindrance in my life. Pleaseeee try to be more sensitive to others. You have not lived in their minds do not be judgemental of someone else’s experience.

  • Richard

    August 4th, 2019 at 4:58 PM

    When you are seriously depressed for a long period of time it feels as if you have lost the formula or recipe for life and happiness. Hopelessness is the result.

  • oriana

    October 30th, 2016 at 2:30 AM

    Not true Bryson,
    People seeking attention like that don’t have depression ,that person seeking attention more than likely is what docs would diagnose with histrionic personality disorderor (HPD) ,real people with depression will try to hide it as best as they can, take me for example I’m a 21 year old mom (one 2yr boy) who has had depression all my life an see a therapist once every week.i clean ,cook ,an do everything that i can so his dad an him can be happy.i smile every day an try to not let them see how i really feel ,little do they know im awake 2 hours after they fall asleep stairng blankly in the dark feeling sad an broken as always,an occasionally hurting my self ,an crying softly to sleep so I don’t wake them, but I don’t want the attention so I hide it ,if I feel this bad ,I don’t others to see it then they’ll feel bad too ,that’s why most truely depressed people take their life because it’s to hard to hide it,they do still have love in them an they don’t want to hurt their loved ones ,so it’s either hide it or make everything go away ,iv gotten better over time though so I choose hidding it

  • Amanda M.

    February 17th, 2017 at 3:23 PM

    It is hard to read comments by those that don’t understand, because this is exactly what some of us with chronic depression fear the most. “Nobody understands “. Yet, that being said, we can not just “snap out of it”. Before you accuse anyone of attention seeking, do some homework. Look at the newer proven studies that our brains are complex and mental depression isn’t just a “bad day”.

  • Lynn

    June 30th, 2017 at 8:18 AM

    A reply to Bryson, as well as to all those who already replied to his message: Bryson, you are definitely incorrect concerning depression. However, I believe your assessment comes as a result of a lack of knowledge, and I also believe that it might be indicative of your own personal struggles. That kind of anger you displayed through words lacking compassion are why I believe this way. No one feels compelled to react in such a hurtful manner unless he himself is hurting. Others who replied angrily to you failed to “read between the lines” of your message…and I think those “unwritten” lines speak volumes. I believe that behind the words you wrote is a person really hurting, himself, and desperately searching for answers. In case anyone is wondering, I am 70 years old and have been suffering from depression since childhood. I tried everything I knew to “cure” myself, without success. I lived outwardly “normal” for about 40 years, but never felt “normal” inside. Recently I had a breakthrough, but not as a result of my own effort. All I can tell you is that my relationship to my(and your) Creator has changed EVERYTHING. I know that I know that I know that I am no longer a slave to depression. God can(and did) what no one else and nothing else could do! I was a Christian saved by grace for 42 years; but still struggled as much as I had previously. What changed was recently realizing that I could actually have a personal relationship with the God of the universe. He’s always been there, but never imposes on our free will. Once I stopped trying to be good, because in His eyes I was already “good”, I yielded the fight to Him. The result has been unbelievable, and He’s just gotten started. Like I said, I just turned 70….it’s never too late to start really living.


    July 23rd, 2017 at 6:44 PM

    You are exactly what is wrong with society today. I have suffered from depression for 60 years of my life. Believe me it is Hell on Earth. Do you actually think I would choose to live like this? I have tried all the Therapies, medications, etc. Sometimes I am so depressed I won’t even go to the grocery store to get food instead I just don’t eat. I have begged and pleaded with God please heal me. I am 68 years old now and would like to just have a glimpse of what it would be like to be normal before I die. You say we don’t try hard enough? I am sure there is not one of us that would not do anything we could to not have to go through this. I am very insulted by your comments. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy, I hope you never have to experience it

  • Shelley

    April 21st, 2018 at 3:28 PM

    I so identify with your words! I am turning 66 tomorrow and have fought severe bipolar depression for all my life. I used to fight so hard but with medicine, etc. failing for so long, I have no energy at this age to fight…

  • Freedom

    November 6th, 2018 at 5:51 PM

    I am a 39yr old female going through early childhood trauma that was never treated. It has effected every aspect of my life. If you knew me, you’d never know that I suffer from depression and anxiety…. Unless, you happened to trigger me. In fact, I didn’t know until I finally saw a therapist. I don’t know how to treat this.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    November 7th, 2018 at 7:23 AM

    Dear Freedom,

    If you would like to consult with a mental health professional, you can start finding therapists in your area by entering your city or ZIP code into the search field on this page: https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html.

    Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. You may click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. If you need help finding a therapist, you are welcome to call us. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time, and our phone number is 888-563-2112.

    Kind regards,
    The GoodTherapy Team

  • esvee

    August 2nd, 2017 at 11:07 AM

    You’re so off-base.
    I’ve come to a new point in life: there is no family who cares, nor friends and the docs out there do not especially want patients with little chance of getting better.

  • Cheryl

    April 25th, 2019 at 8:09 AM

    Yes. This. Perhaps others don’t believe but I do. My son has gone to two therapist who said he was fine now. Both times he almost committed suicide right after they chose not to see him anymore. I can tell the new one has run out of ideas.

  • Brian

    December 27th, 2017 at 11:56 AM

    I have been depressed for most of my 42 years on this planet. I really do want to change yet I really have no idea how to. I can’t stand when people imply like one of the commenters above that all it takes is willpower and the want to change. I have tried these paths many times in my life. I wish for nothing more than waking up 1 morning and not feeling absolutely miserable. I have attempted suicide on several occaisions over the years and the only reason why I won’t do it now is because of my son. I want out of this life so badly yet I do not want to cause suffering to others by removing myself. I find myself being grateful for the fact that at least this life is probably more than halfway over and I take comfort in the fact that 1 day I won’t have to exist anymore hopefully as this miserable decrepit creature.

  • Catherine M.

    June 20th, 2018 at 5:39 PM

    I have never heard of a cheek swab please tell me more.

  • Diane

    April 20th, 2019 at 5:49 PM

    I totally understand your comment. I too am living to not hurt my senior mother who is 88 and my brother who I am very close with. I also have a cat who watches over me daily with my depression and is such a sweet girl. I hate to leave her as she will not know where I went. I am 51 and can’t imagine living till the end of my life, I could live another 30 years what a scary thought. Every day is hell, especially now as I am going through a very severe episode of it, I’ve had it 20 years and spent tens of thousands of dollars on varying treatments…we do want relief and help but some of us are very treatment resistant. As soon as my mom passes, I will be gone. My husband and family knows this, I can’t keep torturing myself anymore …this is not living…I’m existing…I pray to God to heal me or kill me…sadly nothing has changed and here I sit suffering in such horrendous pain.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    April 21st, 2019 at 8:38 AM

    Hi, Dianne. Thank you for sharing your comment. If you are experiencing a life-threatening emergency, in danger of hurting yourself or others, feeling suicidal, overwhelmed, or in crisis, it’s very important that you get immediate help! Information about what to do in a crisis is available here: http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    If you would like to consult with a mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage, http://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area. If you’re looking for a counselor that practices a specific type of therapy, or who deals with specific concerns, you can make an advanced search by clicking here: http://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html

    Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list, you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. Please contact us if you have any questions.

  • Jeremy

    April 25th, 2019 at 11:29 AM

    Yea I exactly. It’s like the therapist just comes up with this plan that you can just change the way you think and you will feel better. They expect you to just pretend the abusive crap or whatever a person has gone thru in life can just be changed along with the residual effects that it has left on you. They work with u for 6 months to a year and then just kick u to the curb if u aren’t magically transform ines into a new person and all better. I truly believe that sum people need therspy their entire lives along with myself. Sum people like myself need that constsnt support and validation or they will slip back into deep depression and their old negative thinking and thoughts will return to haunt and grip u extremely hard once again. It’s a never ending battle. Sum people are just born into extremely dysfunctional families like mine and need constant help and support.

  • Steve

    May 22nd, 2018 at 4:45 PM

    Bryson… I wish I could give you just a month’s worth of my depression and anxiety so you could show us ALL how it’s done. I realize your post is 5+ years old, but I just had to affirm you definitely have not a clue what you speak of.

  • Matt A

    June 22nd, 2018 at 5:28 PM

    This is EXACTLY what I needed in my life. Over the past year, I fell into a deep, DEEP depression, that I’m still in even now. While today, at this current second, it’s not as bad as some others, I’ve been there. And when I was, I lost it. I attacked others, because anger at times was the only way I could let any of it out. When I tried to reach out publicly for help, a lot of my closest friends-some of the few people I trusted and thought who understood me-turned against me, attacked me publicly, and even got some famous (or, famous in the community I was in at the time) people to launch further attacks, so I was getting attacked by not only VERY close friends, but people I used to view as idols. Except for one or two people, I lost everything I had, and even now I still struggle badly with accepting out of a big group of friends I was once lucky enough to have, every last one-again, except for a select few-hates me. I honestly have thoughts that several of them would downright celebrate if I committed suicide. I did some horrible things, I won’t hide that, but I slowly learned to control it. But when I said I was trying to be better, NOBODY believed me. Nobody would believe me even now, I STILL get attacked, a year later. Even though I’ve managed to gain back control. And NOBODY could understand the sheer amount of pain. This article summed it up, and I desperately wish I found it a year ago. Because I didn’t, I lost everything, and am still VERY viciously attacked. It’s bad enough to where I even get straight-up flashbacks, especially when I try to stream.

    And idk if this will show up as a reply, but Bryson, what you said is EXACTLY what all of those assholes tried to tell me. That’s EXACTLY how they attacked me, plus telling me I’m abusive, manipulative, and should really be in prison.

  • Fiona

    January 19th, 2019 at 8:24 AM

    You don’t have a clue what you are talking about I have had depression for 20 years good and bad and it’s not for attention at all as I like to be alone so please keep your comments to yourself

  • Jenny

    September 17th, 2019 at 4:18 PM

    Bryson, anyone that suffers this horrid disease do not choose to have it. It certainly would not be for attention. We take medicine. We do what needs to be done “prophylactic” preventative care. Like any other disease. For example, diabetes, asthma and ect. What if you were in a terrible car accident and was paralyzed. Would you choose that for yourself? The loss of a limb. Would you choose that for yourself? Would you want that to happen to you to get attention from others? Or would you rather not have the attention to be whole again? It’s to bad you couldn’t experience this just one time. It’s a battle going on. Imagine yourself trying to crawl out of a deep, dark hole. Clawing your way out the best you can. Some eventually make it but live on the edge of the cliff. Some do not and succumb to death just for rest. If your dead you definitely are not seeking attention if you cannot be there to receive it. Please think before you speak. If you do not understand educate yourself. So many do not understand. I am a health care professional as well as have degree in psychology. In addition, I battle this disease. I have major depressive disorder (MDD), generalized anxiety and post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). FYI, I do not want anyone around when I’m feeling my worse. I want to be alone. I hate for people to feel sorry for me. We ARE very strong people to live and battle this disease. We just get worn down and so tired. It isn’t an easy battle everyday. We put masks on so no one can see our anquish.

  • touma

    September 24th, 2019 at 10:43 AM

    I don’t know about that. I’ve suffered from depression most my life (I’m 39, 40 in a few days). I tried really hard to fix it over the years with self help stuff, talk therapy, medicine, inpatient treatment, residential treatment, electric shock therapy, IV ketamine, etc. Nothing seemed to help. I’m more depressed than ever now for some reason. It might actually be the way my brain is and be genetic since my parents, late grandparents and brother’s kid have histories of mental illnesses, and there’s also history of suicide in my family. I still try hard to be happy, but it doesn’t seem to work. I also suffer from some weird unexplainable fatigue, difficulty concentrating and loss of interest in everything. It’s not like I’m doing this to myself and making myself tired and sad. How would I even do that? I don’t want to feel like this.

    But anyway, my point is, I hide in my room all day and night, because I dislike attention, so not everyone with depression is an attention seeker.

    But anyway, attention is the last thing I want. I don’t even leave my room because I don’t even want to be seen. I hate myself and don’t even want to exist. I most definitely don’t want others to notice me.

  • Mardiha

    September 24th, 2019 at 10:17 PM

    Touma, I feel for you. I too have suffered most of my life with depression and definitely don’t want the attention. I always wondered if ketamine would work, but never could try it as it’s not available in my country. Even that didn’t help you, that’s so sad to hear I had high hopes for that helping many. I know the frustration in trying everything…if we wanted attention we wouldn’t try everything on earth to try get rid of this awful illness. I even removed all my mercury fillings holistically as I read mercury could cause depression. It didn’t do a thing for me but waste more of my money. My psychiatrist gets mad when I spend money trying to heal myself since I am mad resistant too, she said to me I should just accept my illness like people accept they have diabetes or a heart condition. Easy to say that when your happy, but I go through periods of severe severe depression where I feel sick all over, tired, no appetite, stomach is in knots, can’t lay on my bed comfortably it’s just horrid. I wish I could cure us all of this horrible disease. I feel so bad for people like you who are struggling so much unfortunately I can’t offer any sort of help, I always thought all my treatments and therapies that something would help and then I could recommend a treatment to help others but nope 20 years later still looking. Ya attention…I’m same…just want to hide from the world…too embarrassed to be seen and too hard to talk or breathe let alone socialize.

  • Nina J

    September 30th, 2019 at 11:35 AM

    You have less than zero idea of what you are saying. Shame on you!

  • Chris

    February 19th, 2020 at 7:34 PM

    Not only do I not want attention for depression I stopped meds after they caused my thyroid issues. Moved to a new place where I never mention my depression. The drug companies have made real help supportive help impossible. My degree in physiology led me to find the worst sufferers are denied therapy because pills are the easiest. Big pharma rules.

  • greta

    February 11th, 2012 at 6:48 AM

    it is important to remember that there is a big difference between just being sad and being clinically depressed. and while people do have to do something to help themselves it is also important to note that sometimes when you get so depressed there may honestly feel like there is no way out, and in those cases it gets kind of hard to help yourself. you have to have someone step in and offer you more help than what you can do alone.

  • Andy

    February 11th, 2012 at 11:47 PM

    Its bad enough to be depressed n not have people understand you but to go through something like this could make a person further depressed by itself!

  • Irene

    February 12th, 2012 at 6:01 AM

    I have known people before that for them being depressed is like their natural state of being. They have never been anything but that so this is just who they are.

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT

    March 6th, 2012 at 12:58 AM

    Thank you all for your compassionate thoughts about people who are deeply suffering and very limited in how much they can control it. It’s not always easy to be patient with someone who is chronically depressed. I hope some who feel this way are reading your kind thoughts.

  • Elaine-

    March 27th, 2012 at 10:47 PM

    chyeah, they have to WANT to help themselves and who of us wants to get out of HELL ON EARTH when we are getting all this attention, sheesh, some people need to get a grip before they comment

  • Dana

    October 27th, 2016 at 6:13 AM

    Agreed. 1,000%

  • Liza

    May 17th, 2012 at 8:24 PM

    Get over it. I hear that a lot in subtle and not so subtle ways. I am 35 now and have been dragging myself through the days for about 30 years.

    Do I WANT to get over it? Absolutely. Is that going to happen? After years of drugs and therapy, I’d have to say no. The idea that I’m enjoying the ‘attention’ that comes with depression is ludicrous. You don’t get attention when you’re depressed, you get scorn. You get people who think it’s your fault for being lazy and weak-willed. You learn to hide your depression, or alienate those around you.

    People who can ‘just get over it’ are people who aren’t stuck with depression.

  • Jamie Fuentes

    November 19th, 2013 at 6:57 PM

    I so much agree! People think you can snap out of it. You can if you have a lot of support but when people around you think u can just snap out it really makes you feel worse.

  • Diane

    April 20th, 2019 at 5:58 PM

    Yup…we get no attention, so not sure what he is talking about. My own husband sees me in a fetal position crying like a baby and hardly acknowledges me. He doesn’t understand it, and people who don’t suffer clinical depression never truly will…but ya it’s an absurd thought that we get all this attention. I can’t work because of it, so people think I’m a loser and what is wrong with me…I look fine….and I stay in my room most of the time with husband not even coming in to see if I’m alive. Thank goodness for my senior mother living with us, but it’s not fair to her to do it…but she understands it as she has seen it in me my whole life…people like my husband who aren’t around it…look at you like some strange bug they want to poke at…no clue whatsoever…it’s sad how we are treated. I told him if I had cancer…would you treat me so bad and ignore me?

  • Jeree

    May 26th, 2012 at 4:41 PM

    I had a depressed and angry mother and a sociopathic father. Neither were capable of feeling anything for anyone except scorn and distrust. And yet the only help available to me as a sufferer of depression for over thirty years is a choice between drugs or Cognitive Behavioural Therapy – implying that either my brain lacks some chemical or I’m some kind of dimwit whose thinking is ‘disordered’. And they wonder why these things don’t work. Give me strength!

  • Michele

    September 9th, 2012 at 6:59 PM

    My fiance has struggled with deep depression and anxiety most of his life. When we met and started dating in college 2 years ago he did not show symptoms at the time and we fell in love quickly and deeply. This past year and a half we have struggled to maintain a healthy and happy relationship. He wants to be happy in life but is not. He’ll blame his job and want to quit often. He’ll then go further to say that he hates people, hates how the world works and is cruel, and doesn’t see the point in it all. I have loved him through the ups and the downs and we have manged to build a strong life together. I do have fears. Fears that he will quit his job and I’ll be financially responsible for us both. Fears that he will continue to self treat with alcohol as he has given up on the ability of medicine and doctors to help him. I know that marriage will not fix this and I fear that my life will forever be dictated by his condition and that one day I will resent him or have to leave him. I want to be strong and be the support that he needs but I want to be happy too. I have never posted on this issue before and I tend not to talk about this to family or friends because I don’t want them to wish us apart. If you can give any feedback or comments to help please do. Tonight was a bad night and I fear for him and our future due to the instability depression brings into our lives.

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT

    September 9th, 2012 at 11:15 PM

    Oh Michele, you are in such a tough position. Very few if any relationships can happily survive such deep, chronic depression, especially medicated with alcohol. Before marrying him, I believe you have to ask yourself deep down inside if you can be happy with him the rest of your life if he doesn’t change, or gets worse. Many people commit to the person they love based on who they would be if they evolved into their best selves and then inevitably get disappointed and angry when their partner stays the same. At the same time, it’s important you tell him how he affects you and the minimum you need to be happy with him. Believe me, I feel for both of you, and realize how hard this is for him too, but being with a chronically depressed person is very very difficult. He may be able to minimize the effect on you, even if he can’t resolve the depression, but he may need to learn and be motivated to do that. It’s like taking care of a chronically ill partner. One of the secrets is for the ill person to do the maximum they can for themselves. This can make taking care of them more manageable for the caretaker.

  • Fiance

    August 13th, 2016 at 9:28 AM

    I am the chronically depressed fiancé. Your advice is to have the woman who loves me, and who I love, leave me? That’s your advice? Leave your depressed partner? Of course it’s difficult to be in a relationship with a depressed person. Think if you told each person the same advice you gave Michelle…” Oh poor you, you love a depressed person? You should probably get out of that relationship.”
    That would render the depressed person with no one who loves him, which is exactly what happens to depressed people in our culture. Shame on you, and your advice.
    I believe you need to ask yourself if you would have counseled a man the same way you counseled Michelle.

  • Mike

    November 19th, 2016 at 3:52 PM

    Because it comes off as selfish. I’ve struggled with mental issues for most of my life and never found someone who I would want to put through this environment. Your partner deserves happiness and if your misery affects them then you should be mature enough to let them go. If you’re lucky enough to find someone to put up with your illness, and it is putting up with it, then you should work your ass off to make sure to keep that relationship healthy. I grew up with people who were much worse off than me and their unhappiness led to their partners being unhappy and it had a strong effect on me in that I realized by not being healthy, mentally and physically, you were likely to make the other persons life more difficult.

  • Rick

    April 8th, 2020 at 4:35 PM

    Fiance(The Male, not the maybe wife), I absolutely get this. I absolutely despise this idea that it is freaking “immature” to want to be truly, and genuinely loved if you arent there mentally. That it somehow makes YOU, the afflicted person, less than to ant and expect this from someone. It isnt my freaking choice to be in constant turmoil and pain. It isnt my fucking choice that this naturally makes relationships nearly impossible to maintain. She is your fiance. She doesnt seem to understand what marriage actually is or what it means, and the author of this article is clearly more interested in those left “dealing with us” then we ourselves. I have no one but one other person who puts forth actual effort, one. One person who genuinely tries to help me when all others see weakness and failure. and your advice to people in a relationship with severely depressed people…. is screw them and their depression because its hard? Look out for numero uno? Thats seriously your freaking advice? I HATE ho it is perceived as selfish to want someone to stay because youre difficult to deal with by NO FAULT OF YOUR OWN and they are the only thread of light in a tapestry of darkness, but its morally righteous to leave the afflicted person? These people get patted on the back and consoled about their “tough” situations practically more than we do. I do not think you should be giving advice here, especially if you are just parroting hat literally everyone else says. By your metric, literally no mentally ill people are worthy of the effort of being with them. If anyone decides to stay its simply an act of charity, because in your world vie the only right thing to do for yourself is leave them alone to face the demons alone for the sake of you moving on to someone better off financially. Garbage. And fiance, leave your gf. He rconcerns are literally every shallow womans. she is more concerned ith the -possibility- of you being a financial burden than the state of your actual life. think about that for a moment. hile you languish in misery and self hatred, talking to the only person in the orld ho you feels understands, and learn all they are thinking is “Wow he is so lost and hurt…. HOPE HE KEEPS PAYING THE BILLS”. I dont get how on earth this ISNT selfish. Its by definition exactly that. and more than that, I find it morally repulsive, and find that people illing to leave someone they claim to love at their darkest hour for the sake of their on immediate relief and financial well being, are in fact the ones whom are immature and unworthy of a fulfilling relationship.

  • Lori

    November 28th, 2012 at 1:10 PM

    Cynthia Lubow, MFT
    I just wanted to say that I loved your article and I’m looking forward to more. I am planning to read this to my husband tonight. I hope that this will give him insight to how I feel. It has been hard on us both. But I truly feel that understanding and acceptance is key. Thank you.

  • mkh

    January 29th, 2013 at 5:02 PM

    Thank you for your article. I’ve found it very difficult to find any validation of how I feel anywhere on the internet or with therapists. For over 40 years, I’ve dealth with nearly constant suicidal ideation, to the point that it simply makes up part of my daily routine. I’ve made attempts, obviously unsuccessful, and I’ve tried all manner of treatment to have these thoughts blocked.

    Am I depressed? Probably. Do I show it? I have a successful career, I own a home, I volunteer the equivalent of one month per year, I donate money to many causes, I exercise regularly, journal when I feel like it, and take medication.

    I have been a member of two long-term, multi-month wilderness expeditions, I participate in extreme sports, I contribute to the raising and development of three children, none of whom are biologically mine. I write music and record music, play multiple instruments, and compile multimedia presentations as a hobby. These presentations seem to make many people happy. I’ve been married (though not currently), I’ve been in long term relationships. I have a career in optical research, and I’m relatively highly compensated. I’ve travelled internationally. I’ve always managed to pick myself up and keep going.

    All that said, most days are spent with on-going multiple conversations and thoughts in my head, all negative, all pointing to suicide, like a constant, low-grade headache.

    Thank you for acknowledging that there are a few of us in society with these issues. We are not necessarily sitting at home crying. You would NEVER guess we were depressed, and if we told you, you would laugh. If we mention suicidal ideation, most of you would immediately exit our lives and never contact us again because of the shock.

    Suicide is NOT a permanent solution to a temporary problem for me, because the problem is likely quite permanent, as this article gives creedence to.

  • Daniel

    February 14th, 2013 at 1:19 PM

    I am very happy, that someone actually admits, that this sometimes cannot be cured.
    I’ve been depressed my whole childhood. It got worse when I was a teenager, and now its even worse..
    I’m 21.. I seem to forget my whole life sometimes.. Its very painful. Its like something evil is eating me bit for bit..
    I managed to take an education, but haven’t got a job..
    Cannot function in any activities at all, and I’m very afraid of my future..
    I think that the depression has caused me, to be in the middle of nowhere.. Cannot concentrate, and taking another studio is impossible for me, cause my memory and concentration is all but disappeared..
    I will never be the same person again, and in fact i never think that i knew.. Haven’t had any trouble with school in the past, its only now it had gotten bad..
    Feel like I am dying bit by bit.
    In my world there is no such thing, as learning to be a better person, cause when you experience yourself getting weaker psychological every year, you get kind of.. Whatever..
    Things are so messed up..
    I really wanna leave this world, and never come back again…

  • admin2

    February 19th, 2013 at 9:34 AM

    Hi Daniel,
    Thank you for your message. Please know that there are resources available for you if you are experiencing an emergency or if you are in danger of hurting yourself or others, and it’s very important that you seek help immediately.

    • Call your local law enforcement agency (911);
    • Go to the nearest hospital emergency room;
    • Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TTY:1-800-799-4TTY)
    • The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is equipped to take a wide range of calls, from immediate suicidal crisis to providing information about mental health. Some of the reasons to call are listed below:
    Call to speak with someone who cares; call if you feel you might be in danger of hurting yourself; call to find referrals to mental health services in your area; call to speak to a crisis worker about someone you’re concerned about.

    Please know that if you are international the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline might not be able to help you, but you can still go to your local law enforcement agency, and go to your nearest hospital.

    Warmest regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org team

  • Kathryn

    June 30th, 2016 at 7:29 PM

    Daniel, I’m 20 years old and have suffered from chronic depression for over eight years, diagnosed by a therapist(as if that means something besides proving what you already know). It’s been the exact same for me , from childhood to getting worse and worse the older I got. The future terrifies me and I don’t have a job either. There’s too much fear of surrounding people and honey I just want you to know you aren’t alone and it makes me feel better realizing another human being close to my age is going through the exact same thing. It means at least we aren’t alone. Dying (most days) or sleeping for a really long time sound like the best out of this crazy life. But at least we aren’t alone.

  • Mark M.

    May 13th, 2020 at 3:29 AM

    Firstly i would like to direct this to Danial , i have had depression since 12 and had a couple of sport accidents before i sought treatment , i then at 25 received aropax which is an ssri and the only anti- depressant to treat ,major depression , social disorder ,generalised anxiety, phobia s , this plus an upper like dexamphetamine , greatly improved mental energy , quality of life and now a 50 yrs i still take these medicines stick to perscription and they work well never will it cure but it manages the problem

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT

    February 20th, 2013 at 2:07 AM


    I’m so sorry to hear you are suffering so much! Though in a small percentage of people, depression can’t be cured, almost everyone can at least get some relief from one treatment or another. Please tell me what you’ve tried, so we can figure out what might get you some relief. You still have so much potential ahead of you!


  • Yvonne

    August 2nd, 2017 at 5:20 PM

    I have been depressed my whole life. I am 66 and the world probably thinks, so what I am old and its one mre person off Medicare. I stay in my apt.all day and eat whatever once a day. Its no one to call. Hospital thinks your an inconvince. I also wish to die

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    August 2nd, 2017 at 7:49 PM

    Thank you for your comment, Yvonne. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Cindy G

    January 2nd, 2018 at 8:04 PM

    I found this blog when I googled Incurable Depression, or something like that.

    I just turned 60. By I feel very small and alone inside. I’m very alone in real life too. No family, only a very few friends—and I don’t want to be too depressed, too often around them.

    Depression started very young, abusive, disturbed mother, Dad always gone, bullying from pre-school onward, chronic Ulcerative Colitis and more bullying starting at age 7, no emotional support anywhere. Suicidal ideation started around then too, I was trapped.

    I fall into paralyzing depressions, although it was worse before I got on the right meds. Including meds for ADD, which untreated, can give you many more reasons to be depressed.

    Well, that used up all my energy. Hopefully tomorrow I’ll be a little more functional. Spending my birthday and the holidays alone again for the billionth time is always a ticket on the Down Escalator.
    I’m glad this blog is still going and I feel for everyone here, especially the older folks, to whom no one seems to respond.

  • Shelley

    April 21st, 2018 at 3:34 PM

    Guess at 66, I’m one of the few who cannot find relief from severe, incapacitating depression, after trying all kinds of medication!

  • terri

    April 23rd, 2018 at 3:12 AM

    You’re not alone. I’m 58, and tried many times with many different medications. The chronic depression never seems to go away. This last bout of severe depression has lasted almost two years. At this point, I’m hoping to recover enough to call it “chronic” again. I’ve given up on medication–nothing seems to be working.

  • Rebecca

    October 27th, 2019 at 4:24 AM

    Hi Cynthia, Please can you help me? I have tried numerous antidepressants and had 14 sessions of ect in this epidsode: what else is there? Sincerely, Rebecca

  • Karen

    February 21st, 2013 at 3:42 AM

    My son (age 28) has been suffering on and off for the past 15 years. Now we are experiencing major problems. He has 1 year of law school left and doesn’t want to go back. His wife is ready to divorce him. He is now living with me, in anticipation of finding his own apartment, but I am scared for him to live by himself. I’m at my wits end on what to do and how to take care of him. There is no money to send him to a hospital. We can barely afford for him to see a psychologist. Help!

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT

    February 21st, 2013 at 9:37 AM


    I would be worried too. Can you get him to a good psychiatrist? A good diagnosis and medication evaluation could make a difference. Do you know if he’s addicted to drugs, alcohol, or anything else? Is he actually seeing a psychologist? Does he have any guns or obvious ways of killing himself or others? Will he talk to you about what he’s thinking or feeling?

  • Karen

    February 21st, 2013 at 8:05 PM

    He is seeing a psychiatrist that he likes. Diagnosis is severe anxiety/depressive disorder and he is taking meds. No addictions known. This began when he was in high school. He has periods of normal behavior, then sinks back down, especially when life changes occur (i.e. graduation). He had suicidal tendencies when he was young, but never actually attempted. He has been in hospitals and under treatment for some time now. Just worried that this will continue for the rest of his life. Seeing a psychologist is cost prohibitive at this point.

  • Paige

    February 22nd, 2013 at 1:30 PM

    I am a 28 year old female. I have struggled with depression for as long as I can remember. I know I felt okay until age 9 or so, but I can’t remember how that felt. My mother, who also had major depression, was an alcoholic who would become violent with my father when she was intoxicated, and this led to an accident in which he shot her in self-defense when I was 11. He passed away while I was in college. My mother expressed love for me while she was alive, and my father was quiet and distant but I knew he loved me….but they didn’t guide me. I went to live with my godparents who I didn’t know, and they were involved in their own love affairs with prescription pills and wine, respectively. They briefly attempted to guide me, then gave up, I guess, when I had behavioral problems. I was raised by books, the internet, then a juvenile RTC for 8 months and boarding school for the remainder of high school. My only family is my sister who struggles with alcoholism, and I myself often resort to substance abuse. I have been through many programs, many institutions such as residential treatment centers, therapy, and an endless list of medications, and nothing has helped. I am now at what is rock-bottom so far, though I always manage to drill lower and lower. The limitations of mental health knowledge and medicine are just a harsh reality I have been thinking about lately. Although it should give me hope that we will probably keep making new discoveries in the area, it doesn’t help me feel any better now, and I wonder if the progress of the modern world is directly inverse to the degree and incidence of depression in humans, because of the way some aspects of our lifestyle have evolved. I know logically that self-medicating will only make things worse, but I feel so paralyzed and trapped, I am almost always desperate for some relief. I’m not using any substance or dosing to any degree that is readily apparent to the few people in my life, and when I have in the past, I have put myself somewhere where I simply did not have a choice. It feels like going to a prison and paying for a stay there. I put the money I got from my parents’ estate into a trust, and there’s enough that I don’t have to work, So, being depressed and not having the usual motivation of “not working equals not surviving”, I feel utterly paralyzed. Most people who don’t have to work are envied because they spend their lives in recreation and leisure, but I am not interested in doing anything. I want to be. I feel so much shame. I am ashamed that everyone around me thinks I am incredibly lucky to be in my financial situation, and to an extent I know I am. I can’t imagine what it would be like to not have this safety net. On the other hand, it feels impossible to force myself to do *anything*. There are periods when I have this indescribable feeling, where I can’t even bring myself to put in the usual effort to self-medicate. I feel lazy, spoiled, worthless, and sometimes, evil. I was in law school with a big scholarship up to 3 years ago, then withdrew, got engaged, and went through a terrible series of break-ups and reconciliations with another mentally unhealthy person. Since last year, I haven’t been able to do anything or maintain anything resembling a functioning life. Some people tell me to get over it, and some express sympathy. Those who purport to understand tell me to exercise, go out and volunteer, etc. I want to. I have in the past. Right now, though, they might as well be telling me to leap across an ocean. I am sitting here trapped in my head, wanting to want to move, having a second-order desire to move, I guess. But I don’t. I wonder if it’s just because I “won’t”. I don’t understand how I could both have and not have the will to function and be productive. Yesterday I called a psychiatrist I saw once last year (I had a psychiatrist when I was with my fiance, but we lived in another state; every time he flipped out, I would come back to my home state), and we talked, but I wasn’t completely honest because I feared her reaction. I have a deep, *deep* fear of rejection. It causes me to allow myself to be treated in ways that make me feel taken advantage of. I have an appointment with her next week, but I never make it there; I scheduled several appointments with her last year and missed them. Our talk last night was via phone. I don’t have anyone who knows how bad this really is. I act cheerful and bubbly when people are around; it’s not even a conscious thing, I just revert to this mode. I have a good idea of how this behavior developed. I have a pretty good idea of a lot of stuff that might traditionally be viewed as the “why” behind behavior, but knowing this stuff hasn’t been helpful so far in changing anything. In fact, knowing rationally that self-medicating is bad, this is why I am the way I am, etc, but feeling like I’m unable to change the way I feel anyway and not having the motivation to force myself to do things like exercise to increase endorphins makes me hate myself. I attempted suicide once in the past (had been addicted to cocaine and gone to the country to stop cold turkey; ended up feeling pretty miserable, and probably should have succeeded in ending my life but was lucky. I no longer go anywhere near that stuff) but I don’t feel like killing myself. I used to say I just didn’t want to wake up, but that isn’t what I feel now either. I want the amazing life I know I could have. So is this just laziness? I am finding it difficult to articulate exactly what I want to convey, and I am pretty surprised I even wrote this, but these comments helped me to know I’m not alone. I sometimes feel like going to a program like Austin Riggs, but I don’t want to once again tell my trustee I need more help & more money for help, as I have left several programs AMA, and I am afraid to go somewhere I might want to leave again. I have completed programs only because I felt like I would be too harshly judged for leaving, and the thought of being in that position again is just…I can’t even think of a word. After reading about this stuff, I am crushed by the thought that I will be this way until it simply gets so bad I kill myself. I wonder, though, if the fact I don’t want to kill myself is a sign there is some chance of recovery. I think about suicide in a detached way, like trying to imagine hanging myself, and I just don’t think that I would ever be able to, nor do I want to. So here I am, somewhere in between limbo and hell yet fully in both at the same time. I wish I could stop thinking about it. I wish I could think of something that makes me happy…but nothing does. I feel like a “bad” person. I say to myself “well, it isn’t as bad as you make it out to be, or else you’d feel motivated to fix it”. But if never feeling good or motivated is the main problem, does that change the usual dynamic between desire, motivation, and action? I don’t know why I wrote this; I don’t know what to do and typing is the most I feel I can do right now, I guess. I am afraid someone(s) will express scorn or disgust or just dislike for the way I am handling this, i.e. avoidance and no effort, but I felt compelled to put this in writing, somewhere, anywhere.

  • Jon Walker

    March 11th, 2013 at 6:19 PM

    Wow Paige,
    Probably not what you want here, but I was struck with your articulate voice. You are lacking motivation as many of us with major depression do, but I’ll just purt it out there, KEEP WRITING, and while you are at it contact me for mutual support and motivation.

    Wishing you peace and a life without this debilitating effects of this cruel disease.

    My best

  • marlene

    December 27th, 2016 at 8:55 PM

    Hi Ms. Paige,
    Today, (12/27/2016), I discovered and read your extensive post about how depression has been slowing but surely destroying your life. As I kept reading about the sad things that have manifested themselves in your life even though you are not even 30 and technically can still refer to yourself as “young”, I was taken aback at how the description of the major events of your life all but identically match the same in my life, including your upbringing and the impact it had on your adult state of mind. Even the bit about your matriculating through law school and having yet to finish it. (I am in the same boat as you were at the time you published your post. However, I am no longer in my 20s unfortunately, and being 31 years old myself, I no longer feel comfortable referring to myself as “young” and believing it, lol…)
    I also took stock of the description about your upbringing, the effect each of your parents had on your life—the good, and the not so good vis a vis the component of parental guidance that was somehow MIA. When I reached the part of your post where you discussed the issue of substance abuse having found a way to slither into your home and cement itself to your immediate family (and, at some point, to your life as well); I desperately wanted to stop reading and leave the site because of how that hit a bit too close to home for me… but in earnest could not stop reading.
    AS weird as it sounds, I found myself feeling impressed with the level of self-awareness exhibited through your post. I say it felt weird because I recognize that I am self-aware to a similar extent about my deep-seated depression and resulting state of mind but at the same time this self-awareness makes me feel as though I am useless because anyone who is THAT self-aware should at least be able to avoid succumbing to the all too common, treacherous effects of major depression., etc.
    I can relate to that sense of feeling stuck in one’s circumstances while knowing that one should, and in fact must, get unstuck from the flawed perception or else risk total demise
    After reading your very well written exposé on life as you know it (or knew it in 2013), and how much depression has stolen from you including that which cannot be replaced—your peace of mind. I was left with a feeling of sadness for you, and a bit also for myself, although I am totally against the idea of self-pity as it serves no good purpose.
    Needless to say, your post deeply affected me, even to my surprise. I was shocked at how similar the major events of your life seemed to pattern that of my own. In all honesty, your post scared me because it felt as though someone was writing a parody-based expose of MY life– for all those who have brought me harm / hurt in the past to get to read and have a good laugh about…. But, as much as I wanted to divert my eyes away and stop reading your post because it stirred a deep feeling of sadness within, I could not stop reading it…
    I don’t know if knowing this three years later makes any difference to you or not, or if you have been able to employ the necessary tools to get “unstuck” (I hope). But if it does matter, please know that you are not alone and I feel for what you’re going through (albeit three years too late, lol). And that you are not the only person who knows how terrible it feels to live day in and out with the treacherous effects of major depression including its brain children, named Guilt, Anxiety and Worry, and Self-Hate.
    I hope that if you ever read this VERY late reply, you have recovered enough to be able to live a healthier, better life. But if you are still struggling (I pray that you aren’t), please DON’T give up. I welcome any helpful advice you may have and are willing to offer.

  • Paige

    February 22nd, 2013 at 1:50 PM

    Sorry, to correct/clarify: I wonder the the advancement of medicine and technology is related to the degree and incidence/degree of depression- not whether the two are inversely proportional (d’oh) but whether the former exacerbates the latter. If I had more to do and less time to think, would I be happier? I could be doing more, but I’m already depressed, and can’t/won’t motivate myself. At least in modernized places, we live very different lives than our ancestors, and the focus is less on basic survival and more on what I can only describe as things not “absolutely, biologically necessary to life”. I don’t see this as necessarily bad, it just might be a factor in my case.

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT

    February 22nd, 2013 at 10:08 PM


    All I can think of for you with your son is to listen without criticism to what he is thinking and feeling. If you can make yourself (or someone who can listen and give him lots of attention) available to him as much as possible, that may be all that can be done, and he will have to do the rest. Expect him to do whatever he can, even if it takes a great deal of effort, and don’t expect him to do what he can’t–based on a realistic assessment of him in the current moment.


  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT

    February 22nd, 2013 at 10:19 PM


    I do think it’s a good sign that you don’t want to die, and you do see that you have the potential to have a great life, and you want that life! I can’t make you do what you need to do to feel better, but I can encourage you to be honest with your psychiatrist, and keep looking and asking for help until you feel good and are living the life you are capable of. If you can get trauma and grief counseling, maybe a good EMDR therapist to help you resolve stuff–that could make a huge difference.

    If I were you, I would force myself to go to an AA meeting everyday no matter what. I don’t know much about you, but I think you need community to support you, I think you need tremendous support to stay sober and replace alcohol’s compelling comfort. Sometimes motivation is possible when you don’t think about what to do at all–just do it without thought. You, like most depressed people probably need to commit to a schedule–meetings can be a start. Work gives people a schedule effortlessly–yours will be harder, but you still need it, and need to commit to it.

    If you can think of anything that might give you pleasure without negative consequences, or even something that used to give you pleasure, seek it out–even drops of pleasure–pleasant smells, music you like, people you like, massage, nature, water–whatever gives you drops or more of pleasure–do as much as you can of these, on schedule, including AA meetings, and when you can, add aerobic exercise. But start with one thing–once you accomplish that, add something. Do what you can and commit to doing it on schedule.

    Check back with us and let us know how and what you’re doing in a week, ok?


  • robin

    February 24th, 2013 at 9:06 PM

    “get over it” Get over the high blood pressure, the high blood sugar, the broken leg! really! those of you who say this so easily are basically just ignorant. I’m a 47 year old nurse who hasn’t been able to work for nearly four years because my depression over the last 23 years has become so unmanageable. I would love to “get over it” love to go back to work, socialize with friends and family, spend good, quality time with my daughters and grandchildren. Who the hell would want to live like this…always making excuses not to go somewhere, to visit loved ones, to say how sorry you are for feeling so damn bad, for hurting someone’s feelings. to lose friends because of it. do people apologize for having medical disorders of other types… Nope! do they get stupid remarks from people, feel ashamed of being sick???? !!!!! you have no idea how hard “we” struggle. You get over it! one day it could be you.

  • Jon Walker

    March 11th, 2013 at 5:44 PM

    so well said, thank you for clearly stating my personal outrage when I see evidence of the all too common ignorance associated with this disease.

    And thank you for your service as a nurse, that is a tremendous gift. I hope you are able to experience peace.
    My very best to you,

  • Ella

    March 5th, 2014 at 1:22 AM

    Thank you for your uplifting words. A lot of people don’t understand depression or how we feel. I wish that I could just get over it. You are right no one wants to live like this. Knowing that someone out there is feeling the same way gave me strength. Thank you and God bless ;) Ella

  • Amy

    July 12th, 2016 at 5:54 AM

    Hi Robin,

    What a beautiful post. I’m 44 and I’ve been employed in the pharmaceutical industry for 20+ years. I’ve been dealing with MDD for the same amount of time. I have a strong family history of depression, anxiety, and substance abuse. I’ve been on many different medications over the years and I’m feeling like I can’t continue working. My husband of 26 years is amazing but I know I’m wearing him out with my depression. I’m fearful of the time when he just can’t take it anymore. I’m so tired of the pain, I don’t know how much more I can take either. I would take my life today if it weren’t for my kids and husband – I’m already hurting them so much and I feel like suicide would just be like slapping them in the face. I just don’t know what to do – all I can do is cry and sleep.


    September 4th, 2018 at 4:54 PM

    My 34 yr. old daughter has had depression for the past 15 yrs. She’s been to psychologists and psychiatrists who prescribe her medications that seem to help but just for a few days or weeks then she has a relapse. It always seems she goes two steps forward and three steps back, on a vicious cycle that never seems to end. She lives with me but I can’t be there with her because my job takes me away from home for four months at a time, in which she seems to get worse. I’m at my wits end because I don’t know what to do to help her, and from a lot of the comments here it seems like there is little hope of her ever getting cured. I was looking into getting her into some kind of rehab center but most that I look up have to do with drug and alcohol abuse and that is not her case or they are too expensive and I can’t afford them. Can someone give me advice as to what resources there are out there that don’t cost an arm and a leg, because her income is so little due to all the days of work she misses because of depression and I can’t really afford a lot as much as I would love my daughter to get better. Any advice is appreciated

  • Julie

    June 26th, 2017 at 10:15 PM

    I copied and pasted your comment into my notes on my phone to look at so I don’t feel so alone and misunderstood when I’m trying to get my family to understand what I’m going through and feeling. You nailed it with what you said…thank you!

  • robin

    February 24th, 2013 at 9:13 PM

    guess it’s my fault too that grown men were all over me from the time i was 4. you don’t know what people have gone threw and how they have had to find a way to live instead of killing themselves. easy to say, “what i would do if i were you” well, you’re not. must be nice.

    be great if depression was another vital sign that could be shown on a meter. right?

    so out of here.

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT

    February 25th, 2013 at 12:57 PM

    Well said, Robin. Thank you! I imagine most people on this thread agree with you, but I know there are plenty of people who don’t get it, and that adds to the pain and frustration of coping with depression.

  • patricia m

    July 4th, 2016 at 10:51 PM

    I want to thank you very much for all your good work, you do not have to try to help othes as you do, and thank you very much.


    March 8th, 2013 at 12:02 AM



  • Jon Walker

    March 11th, 2013 at 5:34 PM

    bravo Sharon.
    I am on my “smart” phone so I missed the post you so passionately responded to. none the less I can tell you speak from real hard won experience.

    This hateful disease has been visiting my life since my 20’s so 20 plus years of pursuing different western traditional medical intervention, with no lasting results to date. Frustrating and gut wrenching.

    My heart, which once was full of life pours out to you and fellow sufferers.

    I’d love to connect with you for any support and insight we might share.
    Wish you an opportunity to live free of depression!

  • Kirsty

    August 27th, 2016 at 1:07 PM

    You have put into words exactly how I feel when people are so ignorant towards depression. I am 28 and have suffered depression all through my 20s. I lost most of my friends because they got tired of me and didn’t understand what I was going through. The last thing I want is attention for feeling this way, I avoid people as much as I can because I can’t deal with anyone or anything when my depression is at it’s worst. I love my family which is the only reason I try my best to get on with it. People really ought to learn the difference between being sad and being depressed before they make such ill-informed comments.

  • Leah

    March 14th, 2013 at 4:50 PM

    There is no stereotype associated with mentall illness, and particularly depression, that I can’t stand more than the ole “attention seeking” assumption. As if a life lived in the abscence of purpose and hope is something you could just get over. I think that is what seems to get to me the most- the lack of purpose. It is the most debilitating aspect of my depression- the fact that what makes up our society is so ridiculous, how we, as human beings, are torn apart by such trivial things, and how, after it is all said and done, you just die. And that is really the bottom line. A life having so much potential of great peace and beauty, destroyed by the walls of our society, by the norms of society, the standardism of everyday life- yet in the end, we’re all just going to die anyways. And it sounds so ridiculous and petty to some- they think it is an excuse for my laziness. As a junior in high school, I spend most of my time sleeping as possible- just to not feel the environment I’m in for a couple of minutes, and I no longer feel like I should waste my time communicating with others. Teachers always say stuff like “Poor Leah” or “oh, you’re just so special” in this really sarcastic and just plain ignorant tone- I don’t know how to respond to them other than the teenage eye roll. That’s another thing. They always think depression in any teenager is just a result of teenage angst. They love to belittle the issues of someone, such as myself, suffering from a mental illness (which, after suffering from this since I was 6 or 7, is more of a lifestyle condition)- and it makes all the other students feel so much better and stronger than me- teachers have told some of them to not be around me, those kids just love to mock me- or any person who suffers from any mental illness- saying “UGGGHHH I’m so depressed”. I’m not asking them to care or be concerned about me, but it brings me this terrible, apalling sadness to know that this is how they are- that they will go on to be insensitive and indifferent towards everyone who differs from them for the rest of their lives. I wish I could say something to them, but I just don’t know what.
    And the only thing that keeps me going is the naive thought that things will one day better.

    “All the hardest, coldest people you meet were once as soft as water, and that is the tragedy of living.”

  • noname

    March 16th, 2013 at 4:51 PM

    Has anyone found that their depression has changed as they’ve got older?

    I found in my younger days I had crying episodes and that was a big part of the depression, but now I no longer cry. I often thought about suicide but back then that’s all it was, just thoughts and knowing that there wouldn’t be any follow through – and besides, I couldn’t put my family through that anyway. I used to be a caring person and full of empathy – That’s how I used to be, but that’s changed.

    Now I feel like I’m a lot colder as the years have passed, I no longer really care about people like I used to, and actually feel that with every passing day suicide is becoming more of a reality.

    – no, I’m not attention seeking, or looking for sympathy, I’m genuinely interested if anyone else has exerienced changes in their depression? I’m not sure if subconsiously I’ve tried to become detached from my friends and family which would make it easier to end my life if that makes sense? I know I’ve not purposely tried to change my feelings/depression, I’m just trying to make sense of what’s happening and why.

    So if anyone has anything to add then fire away.


  • Jessie

    August 30th, 2013 at 9:39 PM

    I’ve been uncharacteristically cold as lately suicidal thoughts are becoming daily occurrences. I’ve left/shut out 3 close friends, two that I’ve known for 6 years, and am completely remorseless about it. Theres no point or future to be gained in mending these relationships

  • admin2

    August 31st, 2013 at 9:48 AM

    Hi Jessie,
    Thank you for commenting. In addition to resources above, you can visit this page if you ever feel you are in a crisis situation or if you are having suicidal thoughts. You can find many supportive people through the resources on this page: https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html
    You can also always look on GoodTherapy.org to find a therapist near you here: https://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html
    Thank you again for your comment, and we wish you the very best!
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Tina

    April 6th, 2013 at 9:17 AM

    Well said Sharon, Robin,Paige and Jon. It was good to read your posts.
    I feel so deeply for all of you. I too would love to work again, use my talents, enjoy life even some of the time, but effective treatment seems elusive. (Bryson obviously is just another ignorant , judgemental member of society who rather than educate himself would prefer to criticize. Ignore him.!)
    The only thing that brings me any relief is forcing myself to play an hour’s hard racketball. For the next few hours I feel normal. No other form of exercise seems to work-it has to be nearly exhausting.I’ve read all the hype on how exercise is as effective as Zoloft-well, maybe for some it is. I’ve had so many prolonged deep episodes it takes a lot more. Maybe something similar could bring relief to others who have given up believing exercise can be that helpful.
    I wish I had an answer. I have lost track of the hours I have spent researching treatment, talking to therapists, taking meds, changing diets, taking supplements,etc. The only decent relief I had was from ECT, so please don’t be afraid of it if you haven’t tried it. Yes, I did lose some longterm memory, but life’s a compromise-right? I would do it again if there was anyone close who still did it-I’m that desperate again.
    I personally think Marujana shoud be legalized for severe depression-to just get a break for an hour or so. I’ve had several really major surgeries and they were a breeze compared with living with the hell of depression. the nurses couldn’t do enough to make sure i wasn’t in pain-which i appreciated-don’t get me wrong!

  • Tina

    April 6th, 2013 at 9:30 AM

    To continue, we know this is real, and it takes more courage and strength to deal with every day than anything else I can imagine. I feel connected to all of you who are also suffering, and in addition dealing with the hurt that comes from everyone else’s ignorance and lack of understanding.
    I’m sure you all know this, but if it could help 1 person it’s worth posting-a low thyroid(even IF your values are within normal range), can compound the issue. Likewise low vit D levels and adrenal fatigue .Insist on a check.
    Please reply-so glad I found this website. I am sick and tired of reading of ‘cures’ -the majority posted by those who have never had a days depression in their lives, and yet think they have all the answers for all us folk who ‘like’ being depressed, ‘don’t want to help ourselves’, or are somehow supposedly deriving benefit from feeling so awful, losing our jobs, friends and lives!

  • Lee

    June 23rd, 2017 at 10:29 PM

    Thanks so much for your article. Tina, right on: “Losing our jobs, our friends, our families, our lives…”

  • Tina

    April 8th, 2013 at 1:16 PM

    I am/was actually also a licensed social worker in the mental health field. I mostly worked with children /adolescents doing play and art therapy.
    I have battled depression for 30 years, and have lost 3 careers because of it.It began immediately after the birth of my eldest daughter, happened again after my second and since then has become more and more prevalent , with longer episodes responding very poorly to meds. I’m still married-somehow, but it has taken it’s toll, that’s for sure. It produces incredible guilt for me for the effect my illness has had on my husband and daughters. I know I can be hard to live with when depressed, and in retrospect I wish my children had gone to counseling as I way underestimated the effect it was having on them growing up. My husband and I did go to counseling, but the focus was not my depression, but our relationship, which of course was primarily suffering because of me.
    If folk cannot afford counseling, i would suggest NAMI( website NAMI.org). They have free support groups in most towns nationwide. There are also free courses for consumers, run by those who have been diagnosed with a mental illness. They also have free support and classes for family members, helping them to understand what their loved ones are going through.It is a wonderful advocacy organization for those living with mental illness. Please check it out. Their website contains a wealth of information for all affected by mental illness.

  • wesley

    April 9th, 2013 at 1:29 AM

    I have asperger syndome i need to talk to someone so badly

  • admin2

    April 9th, 2013 at 1:24 PM

    Hi Wesley,
    Thank you for your comment. We want to make sure that you have resources to find a therapist or talk to someone as soon as possible.
    Please visit this link to find a therapist: https://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html You can even select “developmental disorders” in the drop-down menu for Concerns, and search specifically for therapists who are familiar with and work with Asperger’s.
    If you are experiencing a life-threatening emergency, in danger of hurting yourself or others, feeling suicidal, overwhelmed, or in crisis, it’s very important that you get immediate help! You can do one of the following immediately:

    • Call your local law enforcement agency (911);
    • Go to the nearest hospital emergency room;
    • Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TTY:1-800-799-4TTY)
    • The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is equipped to take a wide range of calls, from immediate suicidal crisis to providing information about mental health. Call to speak with someone who cares; call if you feel you might be in danger of hurting yourself; call to find referrals to mental health services in your area; call to speak to a crisis worker about someone you’re concerned about.

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • michael

    April 23rd, 2013 at 6:01 PM

    Why is it people say seek help immediately ?? I am 41 and my wife left three yrs ago and havent had one date in that time frame. I was emotionally abuse as well as sexually neglected for 19 yrs that i was her lilly pad.. i was a project manager for a company for 17 yrs. New home and many toys couldnt buy her love.. i allowed myself to be used and abused is what i was told by my therapist which i wont deny now but that just makes things worse.. live in a small town of 100,000 and since moving here 21 yrs ago i know not one person. Havent any friends no family company closed doors and yet seek help is what i am supposed to do.. i have put a gun to my head and pulled trigger and yet i am still here, ducked taped hose to muffler to window of car and some guy broke window and was revived by paramedics,, well maybe third time is a charm.. there are some people that just have no reason to live with this much pain, emptyness, just let us die already..


    July 23rd, 2017 at 7:02 PM

    I have read all the self-help books, attended the classes taken medication done everything I can to try to find an answer. When nothing works for you where do you go from there? I noticed that all the books and counseling can tell you what’s wrong with you but not how to correct it. I know what’s wrong with me but I need to know what to do about it

  • Debra

    April 18th, 2013 at 12:29 PM

    Thank you for the initial article that started this thread.

    I’m 58, and have been depressed since about age 5. I’ve been through so many drugs, psychologists, psychiatrists, counselors, therapists, and support groups,and nothing helps much.

    Maybe the hardest part for me is that it sucks the life out of me, so I can’t find the strength or energy to do even the most mundane of tasks.

    The only thing that has kept me on this planet for so long is my husband, whom I love with all my heart and soul, and vice-versa. As long as he is here, I am here. If he dies before me, there is no further reason for me to hang around, so I will be only minutes behind him. I have prepared things so that I won’t have to try to think about what needs doing in the distress of the moment. I have drafted a note telling what to do our remains and our dogs, if any are still living at that time, and I will attach their medical records. There will be no note of “explanation” – there is no way to explain.

    There is one note I’ve considered leaving: “That’s it. I’m done. This is me, opting out”.

  • Debra

    April 18th, 2013 at 12:56 PM

    One more thing:

    Paige, so much of what you wrote is so much like me. I, too, constantly feel worthless and ashamed, and ask myself if I’m just lazy. I blame myself for almost everything negative that happens to my husband and I. And you express what it’s like to be here, so well.

    I do think, as you wondered, that if you don’t want to kill yourself, there is some chance of recovery, even if it’s a drug that actually works. There are always new ones in the pipeline.

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT

    April 24th, 2013 at 7:47 PM

    Hi Michael,

    People are probably saying seek help immediately, because you sound like you are intending to kill yourself, and if you do that, you have no more chance of getting the pleasure and joys life offers. I know you’re not finding that in life right now, but you undoubtably did once, and lots of opportunities can come your way for sex, love, good food, good smells, friendship, fun, adventure, beautiful things, accomplishments, successes, etc etc. If you kill yourself, you will miss all of that opportunity. I don’t want you to suffer, and that is why I also want you to seek help immediately. Please call your therapist and wait for a response, call 911, go to an emergency room, or call a suicide hotline. Give yourself another chance to get what life offers for yourself. Call: 1-800-273-8255 (TTY:1-800-799-4TTY) and tell them exactly what is going on. Please.


  • michael

    April 25th, 2013 at 10:47 PM

    My oldest daughter (who will be 20 in few months) and you have same name… We used to be close and did everything together.. she could walk on the jobsite as an early teen and point out to my crew there was a problem… Good ol days… I saw her the other day and she just kept on walking… Three years of silence is enough for anybody to go insane.. i do not know anybody at all… My job is at night and i work alone… My day job tourists not locals shop there, so its not like ill find a friend there. Only employee there also… Everyone needs to be able to enjoy thier own company or they wont be able to enjoy others.. with that being said talking to walls and trees is old already.. i see my therapist in the morning and he knows everything about me, heck he is the only person i communicate with and have weekly for a year… Have delt with some things over that time but most just linger….. I am in quicksand the more i fight the tougher it gets. I think maybe youll understand better if i inform you of the straw that broke me… My ex is very beautiful, 5 – 6 , 125 lbs and i not once saw her naked or hold hands in the 19 yrs we lived together. One day 18 mos ago she handed me a mini SD card and said it was mine. Placed it in my laptop and there she was,,,,,,,, i wont go into detail but the man and her are naked and its daytime….. I turned to her and asked why she gave this video to me and her response was ” i told you i would f..k you up, ha ha ha ha ha ” …. That straw on my laptop are visions in my head that play repeatedly.. so maybe now you can realize that there are some of us that cant enjoy life anymore… I have already made my decision and have just few more things to put in order for my daughters.. someday they will understand… Thank you for your response…

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT

    April 27th, 2013 at 12:04 AM


    I think you have mixed feelings about killing yourself, because you’re writing to us. I’m glad you’re reaching out, and want to stay connected. Please tell us what you need from us. We’re here.


  • Carolyn

    July 3rd, 2013 at 9:54 PM

    If you are still here with us Michael, please don’t go.. I love you! I know you don’t know me, but I do love you.

    If you have love for one other person on this earth, whether they love you back or not, you have a purpose in this life. Having love in your heart makes you a man of worth. Give that love away to anyone and everyone as often as you can, and I promise you that someone will love you in return. In fact, I love you right now.

  • Sarah

    November 8th, 2016 at 9:39 AM

    Get help immediatly if you feel suicidal. That always feels so annoying to me. Some
    people feel sucicdal almost every day so it is impractical to call help every time. I did once.. They send me to the hospital for 5 days. Then a phyciatrist I never met told me what they thought I had. As if they could know that in one week. They then gave me a pescription for anti-depressants and anti-phycotics and sent me home with not so much as see you next month for a follow up.. When I called they told me to speak with my GP. Which BTW general practitioners know as much about mental illness as I do.

    I attempted suicide a month after they released me. Thank the Lord I was too crazed to think of mixing the pills with alchool or I would of never woken up the next day. So I went through that and guess what I`m still suicidial and depressed and anxious. I don`t want to die but I live in constant fear that I will lose it and impulsivly try and take my life again.

    My family treats me like the lazy unemployed loser they think I am. Because that is easier than accepting the reality that I am sick and that I`ve been sick for a long time and will prbably struggle the rest of my life with this. The first time I tried to hurt myself I was in grade three and I felt so crazy I tried to cut myself with a rock. I think deep down they are the ones that feel guilty for not getting me help when I first started exibiting strange behaviours. Instead they ignored it. The amount of times I was told not to be so sensitive when I was little is countless. So they rather pretend it is all my fault for being this way.
    And I suffer because what else is there to do, except survive and suffer. I been to therapists and OMG I cannot believe they have a degree to just sit there and listen. My diary does the same and this cost me only a dollar. My GP can prescribe anti-depressants which it turns out I`m allergic to. I`m pretty sure they are a narcotic drug similar to concaine or speed, judging by the way they made me feel. And anything other than anit-depressants she is unqualified to perscribe. Lets just say I have very little trust or confidence in the mental health system were they send sick people home because it`s easier than taking the time to help them.

    As for me I`ve been surviving off various supplements such as passionflower, valerian, chamomile, 5-HTP, Rhodiola rosea, melatonin, etc….The funny part of talking all these is that it always says consult your dr before supplementing.. Like as if she would ever know anything about supplements (so expensive BTW) when she prolly gets money every time she percribes an anti-depressant.
    In conclusion for suicidal people. Call emergency and whatever. Just don`t expect too much because in reality they have too many people there and they will want to get rid of you as soon as possible. And when you get out your family will expect that everything is cool and you are healed because why would they let you go if you weren`t healed. Ahhh it`s an endless circle I`ve been circling for over ten years and I`m so tried. Faith in my God is what keeps me going for he is the only one who knows my suffering and all my secrets. BTW I`m 27 and every year that I get older the pressure to be normal (Relationship, job,socializing) weighs heavier on me then ever before. We are not weak. We are fighters. We can handle what other people cannot. We live our lives with an undercurrent of misery. But we can handle it. It`s like if men were to have the babies the world would have very little children because I doubt they could handle it as well as women do. Same goes for us. We are stronger than the people who think we are week. Who will they come to when their perfect world fails them. They will come running to us for advice, for insight…Because we see more than they do in their superficial blindness. Anyways I wrote way too much (My dad told me off eariler for being broke, etc).. Be brave people and keep fighting the fight. Life seems to long in despair but in reality life is short and we don`t even last a 100 years…We will be released from pain soon enough…So just keep reminding yourself of this fact. My prayers are with all of you survivors. Keep on surviving damn it!!

  • samm

    September 23rd, 2017 at 7:17 PM

    Thank you to everyone here for being so honest with one of the most scary personal issues a chronically depressed person has to face.I can completely relate to all but a few comments. Bryson being one and I’m feeling exhausted and frustrated with the comments about seeking help.most of us here have sought out enormous amounts of help but to no avail.isn’t that what the blog was about, that there may be no cure to this chronic debilitating illness. So what kind of help should one seek if you have tried endless medications therapies. In one response you suggested that their wife leave the chronically depressed husband, which believe me I understand you should never live miserably for your partners sake but there seems to be no solution to this plaguing illness. In one way I’m relieved to know there is such thing as treatment not working, at least in know it is not from me just not trying hard enough as some in my life have thought. On the other hand this blog has left me hopeless if this condition is something I just have to accept will never be better.I can already see the signs in my children, knowing I’ve passed on this curse with no real solution is eating me alive desperate to escape, but have to keep plugging away for my children. How do I give them hope with living with this dark cloud they will forever carry.I know no one has the answers but I’m tired of hearing seek help when no one seems to have an answer just band aids that sometimes can make things worse.I am however very grateful for all who have shared as we all probably feel completely alone in a world full of people. This is a place to come together even from far away and even if we’re just sharing our pains its a relief to know I’m not struggling alone there are many others.I believe we all will get our happy peace someday even if it’s after were gone.we have suffered hell on earth by no choice or fault of our own.most doing all they can to reach peace inside. We all deserve that and hope with all my heart we can all find it and keep it someday even if it’s in my dreams. Peace and love to all those who suffer

  • Rebecca

    April 29th, 2013 at 11:54 AM

    I am 32 years old. I live in a small town where there is much stigma in regard to mental illness. been on antidepressants since i was 16 and BEGGED for help. I was always told to ‘get over it’. I am willing to try ECT. Desperate. I can’t function. I can’t believe i made it this far today to even type, open the computer. I have no health insurance right now, but has ECT helped others when nothing else has helped? I have tried just about every antidepressant out there. I have 2 young daughters i want to enjoy life with. I hate life right now and myself. wondering if ECT could help, even if for a bit….

  • Jenna

    June 1st, 2013 at 12:10 AM

    I am deep into my third major episode of major clinical depression. It feels the darkness will not lift. I am a strong follower of Jesus, and my deepest longing is to be with him in heave…he promises that nothing, including life or death or the unseen prriccipalitird fightin against me…NOTHING CAN SEPARATE…INCLUDIND ME can separate me from his love …I am sealed by the Holy Spirit…god does not unadopt me . Whom have I have in Heaven? And Earth has nothing I desire besides you,my heart and my flesh,but remains my strength forever,,,sealed eternally be the redeeming work of Jesus…I am a con heir with JEsus…all reseasons I will abdicate in a heartbeat, as soon as my God fulfill the deepest yearning of my heat peace,

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT

    June 1st, 2013 at 1:25 PM

    Jenna, if you are in your third major depressive episode, does that mean you felt very differently between episodes? Usually depression colors people’s outlook so severely that they can’t see that most of the time they feel so much better.

  • Al

    June 4th, 2013 at 6:22 PM

    I am 25 years old I’m pretty sure I have been somewhat depressed all of my life. I remember when I was a child I would stay in my room a lot and be sad and I wasn’t really sure why, just sort of feeling incomplete. My father struggles with depression, and perhaps my family life wasn’t perfectly healthy growing up but we love each other. I am very introverted but I’ve always had plenty of friends, now have a degree and steady job. The incomplete feeling has never left me, even in my happiest times with my first love I remember being depressed. I’ve had my battles with drugs and alcohol and generally reckless behavior, but I have grown out of it. I tend to keep my depression to myself because I don’t want medication and don’t much like to talk about it with most people – but I struggle every day and try to smile and laugh and be a good person. I have sabotaged the few romantic relationships I’ve had in my life and it is very difficult to be this lonely, but I try to be happy about the small victories like a smile from a pretty woman that I am too anxious to talk to. The most satisfaction I ever get is through writing songs, and it is only temporary because once the song is a bit old I usually don’t care for it much anymore. Perhaps my depression will never be cured, but its part of who I am and it is all I know.

  • Cheryl

    June 6th, 2013 at 9:27 AM

    I am 50 years old and have been depressed since I was 12 or 13. I wasn’t diagnosed until 16 years ago as being bipolar manic depressive. I suffer from the depression the most. I have been on every medication known to mankind with nothing helping. My husband is threating to leave me because I don’t have the energy to clean the house, cook, wash clothes or the gumption to do anything. I can’t explain to him what depression makes me feel like, it’s not like I want to wake up feeling like this everyday of my life. I would like to know what “normal feels like. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family with my dad being a alcoholic and my mother trying to “fix” him and trying to keep her family together. My father beat my mother and she put up with t till I was 21 and out of the house. My first husband died from a cerebal hemorrhage at the age of 28 and I was left with a 6 year old and a 19 month old to raise by myself. I still grieve for him. It has been 23 years in October. I married a good man who has been great to my children and they love him like their own father, but his kids hate me. They were older and I was the disciplinarian in the family. I was a hard person to get along with until I was diagnosed. My husband has put up with me for 21 years and 16 of them have been with depression. We have problems with our kids. Out of 7 children only 1 is established and doesn’t give us any problems the rest of them are on drugs or drink. We are raising one of our grandchildren. Recently some of my medication came up missing and 2 of my checks were forged. My son did this to me and has yet to tell me that he is sorry. He lives with us and has custody of his child every other week. He doesn’t pay rent, he doesn’t pay a light bill, he doesn’t pick up after his child, he doesn’t mow the grass. Basically he lives off of us. And when any of the other children need anything they come to us like we have a money tree. My husband just got a full time job after being laid off for over a year. We live off my disability check, such as it is, his little bit of retirement and now a paycheck. I know we have been too good to the kids and they should be cut off, but how do you say no to your children when they have children that will suffer if you say no. I just want help with my depression and find some medication that works so that I can function and deal with life. Any suggestions?

  • Cynthia Lubow

    June 6th, 2013 at 1:27 PM


    The problems you face would be very difficult for anyone, but to have to face them when you can barely move must feel impossible. It sounds like you need a combination of good therapy and medication. What have you tried?

  • Minty

    June 26th, 2013 at 1:33 AM

    Is it weird if I started to have suicide thoughts at the age of 7..? Due to my family’s financial issues, I feel that my family experience poverty after I was born. My dad sold the house and went to stay with his friend’s family for over 1 year. My mum, older brother and I had no where to live. My older sister took us and we stay with her family when I was 9.

    When I was 10, my dad came back and we applied for a 2-room flat – 1 living room, 1 bedroom, 1 kitchen and 1 bathroom. My dad and mum filed for separation. My mum wouldn’t agree to divorce because I was under 21 years old and she gave my custody to my dad. But my dad isn’t working at all, he’s lazy and rewrites the bible.

    I started slitting my wrist when I was 14. My friends became concerned and encouraged me to stop doing it. However, 5 years ago I fell in love. I think I was normal at that time but I became agitated easily. It was probably my mood swings. We broke up eventually because I don’t want him to be unhappy anymore.

    This time round, in another relationship for over 2 years+, every time I quarrel with my boyfriend, I would bang my head on the wall, slap myself hard and slit my wrist. I have no appetite at all.

    On one occasion when I went to the doctor to allow me to rest at home instead of going school, the doctor noticed the scars on my wrist and referred me to a psychologist. I was diagnosed of moderate depression. Each visit cost about $30 SGD and I don’t have the money for it. So I stopped going for the sessions.

    What’s worst is that my boyfriend doesn’t understand my condition. He says that depression can be cured only if I want to and that he won’t love someone who doesn’t love themselves. I feel that I’m empty inside. He doesn’t do things to show that he love me anymore. He doesn’t initiate conversations and doesn’t tell me that he love me anymore.

    I feel that he doesn’t understand. I don’t know if I want to become better but at least, I want him to show affections to me. Am I asking for too much?

    I slit my wrist again, I don’t know what else I could do than dying. I feel worthless to anyone.

    My older brother told me that it would be better for the family if I had a shotgun marriage with my boyfriend, he says that if I wasn’t born to this family, this family wouldn’t experience poverty.

    My mum called me a jinx since I have memory of things.. I don’t know what I did to make them say all these. It’s falling into black hole.

    I came here to understand what is depression. Am I really suffering from depression? What can I do so that my boyfriend can understand and help me?

    I’m 20 years old this year, my boyfriend’s 21 years old. Maybe I need some help..

  • admin2

    June 26th, 2013 at 10:44 AM

    Hi Minty, thanks so much for posting. We read your comment and are concerned, so we want to make sure you have access to resources that may help. You can look for a therapist with our advanced search (https://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html), or call our toll-free Find-A-Therapist line at 888-563-2112 ext. 1 and our Support Team will try to connect you with a therapist in your area.
    If you feel you are in crisis, please call 911 (if you are in the United States) or go to your nearest hospital emergency room immediately. You can find other crisis information and help here: https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html
    Thank you again for posting! We wish you the best.
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Jon

    July 20th, 2013 at 3:14 PM

    Rebecca I hope you will be careful when deciding on ECT. Both my sister and I have had it after many years of trying to heal our depression. She believes it MAY have been helpful in breaking a severe episode, she had 6 treatments and with multiple medications has been back to her old self again for several years, has two kids and a good career. I’m happy she responded to it and her medication too.
    My experience was different, after two plus years of no improvement & nearly constant major depression with periodic depression over many years, I had 8 treatments. I was told by others I had bad reactions to the first couple treatments i.e. trouble coming out of sedation and a lot of anxiety. After several treatments I started having side effects, muscle spasms, balance and vision problems. I stopped treatment with no lasting improvement; the ECT doc said he didn’t consider it failed because I didn’t do enough treatments. I did all I could take. I tell you my story because I am concerned about the use of this and other invasive unscientific treatments. But I also respect the decisions that major depression forces us to make. I’m of the mind that treatments work for people for different reasons, such as placebo, our views and willingness to accept or trust procedures and those administering them. I also think some treatments truly work as prescribed, but it is all trial and error, as you already know, this can wear a person out and cause further stress. There are so many unknown variables when treating this illness. I wish you well with what you choose to do.
    Peace to you!

  • pvs

    July 30th, 2013 at 4:09 PM

    I am not well

    My mind is my enemy

    This can’t be real

    Slipping further everyday

    Pain and fear overwhelming

    Nobody understands

    Lots of kindness…why can’t that be enough

    I am a complete coward

    Only thing keeping me alive

    My days must be numbered

    Just too unbearable

    Something is terribly wrong

    All I want is LOVE

    Not the fleeting kind

    I am starved for love

    Any hint of it makes me melt

    Love has been missing for too long

    My survival depends on it

    Not saying I am worthy

    Just know I am dying without it

    Been miserable most of my life

    Joy came from giving to others

    Now that is gone

  • admin2

    July 31st, 2013 at 6:03 PM

    Hi pvs,
    Thank you for your comment and your words, which so many people can relate to. You are not alone, and we want to make sure you are aware of resources that can help.
    • Call your local law enforcement agency (911 in the United States);
    • Go to the nearest hospital emergency room;
    • Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TTY:1-800-799-4TTY)

    The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline can give further resources in your area.

    Warmest regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Maria

    June 26th, 2018 at 1:44 AM

    Therapy and medication. Is that all you M.F.Ts can come up with? How many people with chronic major depression get well long term from that combination? I’ve been in therapy and on medication for most of my life. Sometimes it has helped a bit and other times it has made things much worse. I’ve had a male psychiatrist molest me and also have ended up in the ICU from prescribed overmedication.The only use I have for therapists is having someone to talk to without judgement for an hour a week. But as soon as they start suggesting the myriad of “solutions” I should try, and have already thought of and tried over and over I want my money back. This disease just sucks and it pushes away all those who love me. Why are all these medical professionals trying so hard to save my life? That’s the one choice that is mine and only mine.

  • Roland

    August 4th, 2013 at 12:26 AM

    1st therapy: age 17 (post years of self-medication).
    Drug rehab and religious ‘homosexual reprogramming’ – self-flagellating rhetoric of being ‘damaged’ and ‘sinful’. Despite this trauma, graduated high school top 5 with honors and a full scholarship.

    2nd therapy: age 23 (condition worsened and self-medication returned resulting in drop outs; graduated with double major with honors).
    Traveled aimlessly in the US & Europe doing ‘odd jobs’ then flew to Nepal on a whim. Plan was to hike on my own or die. Obviously I survived a 3 month hike.
    LESSON LEARNED – you can’t get away from the inside but it helps to get away on the outside.

    3rd – 10h therapies: age 40 (condition improved from age 26-29 but returned).
    Have been on numerous combinations of pharmaceutical treatments with limited improvement. Successfully pursued a career in science that has allowed me to work and travel internationally.
    LESSON LEARNED – you can’t get away from the inside but it helps to get away on the outside [UNLESS you have a DEBILITATING DEPRESSIVE EPISODE].

  • bt

    September 18th, 2013 at 2:30 AM

    Best way I can describe what my chronic depression feels like is its like being on a drug. Except the effect sucks, like an unpleasant pressure on my mind/brain. Genuinely don’t feel sober. Its always been like that for me except in regards to school. When I think about or have to do school work it takes a more stereotyped form.

  • Sally

    September 22nd, 2013 at 4:25 PM

    What a find to stumble onto this web-site. I googled “clinical depression I am stuck”….and here I am. I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression in 1999, but I know I had been dealing with it for at least 5 years before then, and actually I have always been someone whose emotional band was broad. High ‘highs” ‘and low “lows”. Throughout my life, as long as I could maintain the energy to keep engaged in activities that would give me the adrenaline kicks I needed, I could go and go and go. A professor once described me as someone who would never have moss growing on my back. Since I would strive hard to put myself in positions of responsibility, that required me to accept rigid standards, I thankfully never resorted to alcohol to self medicate. I was always “on view” by people whose admiration meant a lot to me, as a mentor, teacher, parent, colleagues etc. Even though it would appear as though there was no end to my energy, I have ALWAYS found getting up in the morning as the MOST difficult part of my day. My coping mechanism was to sleep. Even though for years I would often go for weeks averaging 5-6 hours of sleep a night….and then every once in a while I’d find an opportunity to sleep for 12-13 hours in a night. That was how I did life. Accomplished a lot, put degrees and trophies on my wall in my home office. About 20 years ago though,push, push, push, became the daily mantra I had three sons, over a period 12 years. As I moved into my 40’s with a career, a baby, a grade school child and a middle school child I began to feel totally exhausted but…I did all the mental work of affirmations and walked about 15 miles a week to do what all the “books” said to do to fight off depression. Eventually though, I LOST the battle. By 1999 I was loosing a grip on everything…my business was slowly but gradually declining and I would lock myself behind closed doors from the time I got the youngest son on the school bus until I had to “be on” when they would come in the door at the end of their day. As long as I could “perform” from 4pm to 7PM and get everyone around the table for dinner before it was homework time and Dad would head for the TV I could hide it from everyone. I was like a closet alcoholic, successfully hiding my depression. Then, my body began to show signs of the illness, bad mammogram, mad pap smear, hair and nail loss, and sleeping away over half of my days. That in itself is depressing, because you NEVER get anything done. I truly cannot recall many days….I feel I lost so much. I finally got on medication and began the journey to reclaim my life. I have only been off medication for about 4 years and I am right on the edge all the time again. All my kids are now grown and married, husband has been retired for 12 years and he “thinks” he understands, and I think he understands as much as anyone can (who hasn’t been “here”). We have been married for 40 years, miraculously. How we have done it? Only by the desire NOT to divorce. I have had a void in my life for years that I have not been able to fill. My father died 7 years ago the night before my oldest son and his wife left for Europe and began teaching overseas. The two men in my life whom I felt did love me and admired me for who I was, were both no longer within reach. Today is the 7 year anniversary of that pivotal week-end. One could make it trite by saying I’ve had “empty next syndrome” since that son (my oldest) left for college in 1997. I feel lonely nearly all the time. I don’t know which is worse, being alone, or being with someone and feeling totally alone. I wish I could find a way to FEEL loved. I find myself thinking often that even if I died right now, everyone would go on just fine. Sure they would miss me, but they would be fine. Do I want to die? No, it would make my family sad, and all I have ever wanted was to make them happy and create for them a home life that would prepare them to lead a happy and fulfilling life for themselves. I hope they are more capable at doing that than I have been. The thought that they may also fall victim to clinical depression is a heavy thought for me to bear. Genetics does seem to play into this. I don’t really want to take med’s again, but I just don’t know what to do.

  • Jamie F

    September 25th, 2013 at 7:38 PM

    I’m surprised to see there are more people like me. Exactly how I feel. What hurts me the most is no being able to fulfill a career and work like I use to. Been on disability for 2 years now and it makes me feel so useless:(((

  • Jon W.

    December 27th, 2013 at 12:12 PM

    hi Jamie~
    That is part of the vicious cycle of this elusive bizarre disease. Becoming too sick to continue being productive then getting sicker as a result of further loss of self. I want to to continue working and biuld my life up again but feel less able to do so as this disease drags on. This is truly a hateful catch 22 scenario. I wish you all the best in recovering your self respect, career, etc etc.

  • Eli

    September 26th, 2013 at 4:43 PM

    So am I, especially those who have everything else to maintain a good life. One would think they won’t be affected by this disorder. In my case, it is the same as yours but also have loss my hearing. I use to be a very happy person (nice personality, party person, open minded, Bowler, loved to laugh and meet new people). Now I wish I won’t wake up in the morning and don’t know if I should mention this to my daughter or sisters.

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT

    September 30th, 2013 at 11:08 AM

    Sally, you have been so brave to struggle through all of that! Have you tried any kinds of treatment?

    Eli, is there any way for you to get some professional help? If you are getting help, the people who love you would probably want to know what you’re going through.

  • Tami W

    October 22nd, 2013 at 2:54 PM

    I can totally relate to what a lot of you are saying. I am 49 years old and have come to realize that I have been suffering from depression since I was 12 years old. Sure I have periods where I feel happy, but something happens or something is said and I’m right back to feeling sad and hopeless. This latest episode has been going on for over a year. I have seen a couple of therapists but I really just didn’t connect with them. My husband’s insurance doesn’t cover therapy adequately and we just couldn’t afford it anymore,so I stopped going. I hide my depression very well because I couldn’t stand the thought of people thinking less of me. Some days it’s so hard to just get out of bed, go to work, and get things done. There are days when I wish the morning wouldn’t come,but I put on my happy face and plow through the days as best as I can. I wish I could find someone to talk to about this who wouldn’t charge an arm and a leg and wouldn’t want to force meds on me. I wish it was as easy as just “snapping out of it”.

  • AntD

    November 10th, 2013 at 1:16 PM

    A major depressive episode is kind of like dying, again and again. With each one you lose something of yourself – whether it be an interest you had, a person you cared about, a song you liked to listen to etc etc. I think there comes a time when one is so destroyed that it feels like there is nothing left within you to carry on. “What more can depression take from me?” you ask yourself each time. Psychologists are nowhere near a cure. Therapy only works for so long and to a certain extent. How can one constantly survive and fight a war with their-selves without respite? With some people even sleep isn’t an escape.

    It’s a shame that things are this way, that there is no miracle cure. All someone who suffers from depression can do is live for the small moments where you’re happy, where you feel some kind of normality. I have found that writing helps. It allows you to document your thoughts and help you analyse them better. Even the process of just admitting how you feel to something, even if you know it won’t ever be read by anyone but you, is relief in itself. All we can do is try our best, as a community, to be thoughtful and support each other. There is no one cure and there is no one answer – the moment both the Psychological and medical community admit to this the better it will be for those who are trying different meds and therapies and thinking that it’s them that’s the problem.

    TL;DR – Make a thought diary and realise that the Psychological/Medical community is seriously failing us and that if ‘cures’ fail you, it is their fault not yours.

  • justme

    November 26th, 2013 at 11:44 PM

    Im a man in my early 30’s and have suffered from severe depression since I was a kid. Just when I thought I had got through it it has just bit me again and right now it feels worse than ever. I want this out of my life its so frustrating and nothing seems to help. To all you know it alls who say snap out of it I know what I would like to snap. I just want to be normal. Love justme

  • Parisa

    December 12th, 2013 at 12:41 PM

    i also suffer from depression since i was 9. almost 10 years has passed but i cannot do anything about it. there must be s th wrong with our genes.


    December 3rd, 2013 at 3:08 AM

    what an idiots, the website is offering a therapist.YOu mother f***** the theripest can not do anything neither the medication can.And most of the people who are commenting have already tried going to therapist and take medication.Therapist know that they can’t really help because they have seen people getting worse with being able to help them, all they want is to get income from the degree they got so they tell you we will help huh

  • Asger the soon to be

    December 21st, 2013 at 1:40 PM

    Im 25 been depressed all my life. i dont want another Christmas and new year alone.

    Im happy this nightmare is soon over. all my life from 7 grade until now have been almost nothing but shame and pain.

    I hate mankind.
    there is no god, no heros. but hell is real enough and so are bullies.

    for those of u looking for away to be happy, then i propose to plan your own suicide, it gives a clam feeling to get and exit date in your head.

  • Thomas

    October 22nd, 2016 at 12:35 PM

    I want to die, but I don’t want to go about it on my own. Is there a way to get someone else to do it for me? I don’t like the thought of suicide, so it would be nice if someone shot me in my sleep or something.. or whatever’s quick because I’m ready to leave this hell. It ain’t for me.

  • GoodTherapy Admin

    October 22nd, 2016 at 8:57 PM

    Dear Thomas,

    Thank you for your comment. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about self harm at https://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-self-harm.html and additional information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Mike

    October 22nd, 2016 at 9:06 PM

    THOMAS, I am concerned that you are feeling so poorly and wanting to end your life. I’m asking you to please go to the nearest hospital and get some help. Things may look pretty dark now but believe me you can survive this darkness. If you don’t have a treatment professional this web site can get you names and numbers. Please seek some.professional help immediately. Mike

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT

    December 21st, 2013 at 11:06 PM


    I’m so sorry to hear you’ve given up! If you are living in the Hell of shame and pain caused by bullies, that makes me really angry at the injustice of that, because if you kill yourself, then the bullies win, and they don’t deserve your life. I understand not wanting to live in pain anymore, but there are ways to do that without dying. I hope you get angry and fight back instead of giving up. The bullies aren’t right about you–you have gifts for the world. The world needs you.


  • Carl White

    December 24th, 2013 at 1:25 PM

    I randomly stumbled in to this site, I have not read every single post but does anyone have an update of what happened to Michael from posts #41 and #43?
    His posts really got to me.

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT

    December 29th, 2013 at 1:11 AM


    I would love to know what happened to everyone, especially those on the edge, like Michael, and Asger (71). If anyone cares to follow up–there are lots of us out here, and we’d like to hear from you!


  • Jason B

    January 1st, 2014 at 9:39 PM

    My wife has been to a therapist for help with ADHD and given Vyvanse. I believe that while she may have ADHD, she truly has depression. All she wants to do is move away… With or without me and our children. She has many regrets professionally and personally. I have entertained leaving my business and moving our family but it just doesn’t feel right because I believe depression is driving all of her decisions. She feels trapped and is resentful towards me because I have a business that I cannot easily leave behind. She is aggressive and hostile at times and our kids are starting to react to her behavior. I try to keep everybody calm and level but its not getting any easier. I kind of like the idea of a fresh start in a warm climate but it seems more of a fantasy and irresponsible in some ways. Our kids are very happy where we are, we have a great home, financial stability and a good network of friends. I know she needs help but I’m just not sure how to help her considering she does not want to help herself. She says she hates living here and wants to move to the west coast. Anywhere but here. Thanks for your help.

  • Sarah

    January 2nd, 2014 at 8:07 AM

    I have been with my partner for 15 wonderful years, however the last 2 or 3 he has suffered from serious depression. He is on medication and sees a psychologist very week. Last year at this time he left for a week saying he could not cope. I was shattered, but he came back and told me a relationship had seemed too much and he needed time to get well. This year has been very hard, I have struggled to trust that he does love me. He told me his therapy was going well. We even made an offer on a house. Then last Thursday, he left again. He had become isolated in himself but I did not see it coming. He just drove home from work and told me that he loves me but he cant do this anymore. I have to move on and believe he no longer wants this relationship,but I never ever thought this would happen to us. I thought we were a team. Now I wonder if he has been trying to leave all along but has not had the courage to tell me. I would really like to try to understand this from the perspective of somebody who suffers from depression? Could this be the depression talking? Why does he not let me support and love him? I am really worried about him, but so hurt by this I am not sure I could ever trust him again even if he did come back. He has told me he is sure of his decision. What shall I do? I love him. I also send love and strength to all the partners of people living with depression.

  • Vicki G

    January 2nd, 2014 at 9:27 AM

    I have just read this story on site “When Depression Can’t Be Cured” Unfortunately I fit right into the category. I have been like this for 2 years after being diagnosed with cancer. Prior to that I had a lot of bad things happening in my life but Zoloft (high dose) kept me level and I worked long hours and had a fairly normal life. For the past 2 years I have attempted suicide several times, twice having to be airlifted to a major city hospital and I assume put into induced coma and barely made it, unfortunately I did, causing most family and friends to cut connection with me, making things worst of course. I have been on max Zoloft and now max Cymbalta. I am getting worst, not improving and my Superannuation Policy whch includes TOTAL AND PERMANENT DISABILITY cover are making me fight to get my claim paid. After doing just a little research I can see I fit into a category of major depression who will not ever be cured. The stress of a 4 month battle with Centrelink to get a Disability Pension and now an 8 month battle with superannuation insurers is not doing my health any good. I am suffering because of it and I feel like I am being eaten away by depression, more than cancer which is at bay right now. WHY IS CENTRELINK AND SUPERANNUATION COMPANIES AND INSURERS UNABLE TO SEE WHAT THEY ARE DOING TO PEOPLE LIKE ME? I HAVE WORKED HARD ALL MY LIFE AND PAID A LOT OF TAX. WHEN I HAVE TO TURN FIGHT FOR SOMETHING THAT I AM ELIGIBLE FOR, IT CAUSES ME A LOT OF UNNECESSARY PAIN,SUFFERING AND FRUSTRATION, BY THE TIME I GET THE PITIFUL AMOUNT i HAVE DUE TO ME I WILL MORE THAN LIKELY BE DEAD AND BURIED. WHO ACTUA;LLY CARES OR CAN HELP PEOPLE LIKE ME. IT IS SO WRONG

  • GoodTherapy.org Support

    January 3rd, 2014 at 12:13 PM

    Thank you for your comment, Vicki. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Deb

    January 3rd, 2014 at 8:30 AM

    I’m 27 years old. I have been in counseling for 5 consecutive years now. Before that I was in it on and off while in Fostercare. I’ve been on medication on and off as well. Nothing seems to help fully. I’m very fond of my counsellor and when I see her it helps but if I miss appointments I’m completely lost. My depression won’t get any better and I fear it will always be like this. I can’t seem to pull myself out and no one understands I’m not sure even my counsellor does anymore. What am I supposed to do?

  • Nicole

    January 11th, 2014 at 2:32 PM

    I’m engaged to someone who has been diagnosed with Pure OCD, Anxiety, and Depression. We’ve been together for almost five years and we’re experiencing a very dark time at the moment. He’s “getting help” at our local community mental health organization, but overall it doesn’t seem like it’s enough. He is disabled due to his mental health and is suffering. He takes his medication, but it does little or no good to take away his emptiness.
    Yesterday, he was due to go see his psychiatrist, where I wanted to bring up ECT, but she was out for the day dealing with some personal matters. Now, he’s despondent and acting very depressed. He makes comments about feeling empty and not caring about anyone anymore. He says he wishes for death. This tears me apart, but I’m helpless. I called the on-call therapist and she tells me that there’s really nothing that they can do. She repeated this sentiment to me several times.
    I bring up the idea of hospitalization and they ask if he has a plan to commit suicide. No, not actively, but he’s not doing well. She says she’ll speak with the doctor on call, but that there’s no guarantee he’ll know anything that can be done for him. She also mentions that all the beds are filled.
    He continues to lay in bed singing and mumbling to himself and I’m scared left with no help. The therapist calls back and tells me that they can’t help and that he’ll need to call his psychiatrist’s office on Monday. It’s Saturday and there’s no help. I go back in to speak with him and he’s still mumbling and singing.
    I try to speak with him about going to the ER, but he refuses. He tells me that there’s no help for him. I feel how helpless he believes his situation to be and there’s nothing I can do to help. I start crying and call his mom and step dad, who live two hours away. They decided to come and take him for the week. He tells me it won’t help and that there’s nothing that can be done for him. I’m lost and scared, I’m asking for some good solid advice. I’m asking for someone to care and to help.

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT

    January 13th, 2014 at 1:15 AM

    Wow, Nicole, that must feel so horrible–to not have anything you can do, no one offering help or hope, and his being so disconnected from you. It sounds like you still have hope that the psychiatrist might help, at least with ECT tomorrow. Is that right? Do you think it’s a matter of money that makes people say they can’t help him? Or do they think it’s his personality, or addiction that’s causing his depression? Because if it’s not either of those two things, most depression is treatable. I couldn’t tell from what you said what is blocking successful treatment. If you’re engaged, that sounds like there was a time recently when he was hopeful, thinking in terms of his future, and feeling love. Did something happen?

  • Joanne

    January 14th, 2014 at 11:04 PM

    I don’t know what my official diagnosis is, but I’m 36 and have suffered from depression since childhood. I haven’t been able to find a partner or get married or have children. I’m not sure why but I always thought that I would improve as I got older after doing therapy and self help and maturing, but with all the work I’ve done the episodes have gotten worse and last longer and include more suicidal thoughts. In fact, I am scared of them now.

    Anyway, I’ve read the comments here and want to say how much I value all of your experiences and what you’ve shared because it is very hard to find anyone, let alone a group of people who understands what it is to have severe depression over a lifetime and that you can’t snap out of it. I feel like my depression is something I’ve gotten really good at hiding and just dealing with on my own, feeling ashamed, because I have learned that it is rare to come across someone who will really understand and not try to get me to just perk up. Many times I’ve opened up to people about it and they’ve said hurtful things so I just hide it mostly now. It makes me feel so bad about myself when someone who doesn’t understand first hand what its like to have this condition tries to tell me there is a simple way to feel happy or choose different thoughts. I believe there is power in choosing different thoughts, but when you are depressed, it can be like moving a mountain. Not easy or even practical at many times. Therapists have helped me, but I think this will be something I deal with on some level for my lifetime.
    The worse part is the feeling of being alone, and for many of us, we actually are alone and don’t have a partner or lots of friends, or a supportive family. My heart goes out to everyone else in this situation. It really is difficult and I just want to say that it helps me to hear about your experiences and I don’t feel so abnormal.

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT

    January 15th, 2014 at 10:54 AM

    Hi Joanne,

    Thank you for contributing to our little community here. I agree with everything you’re saying. Depression isolates us from people and being close to people because we have this secret and because we often don’t have the emotional energy to handle being with people. Yet isolation is also depressing. It seems like there must be a way for people who feel this way to be a support to each other, since we do understand how it feels, but other than this forum, I haven’t figured out how to facilitate such a community.

  • Joanne

    January 14th, 2014 at 11:28 PM

    I would also like to add that most of my depression at this point involves feeling great loss and disappointment in myself for not having a loving relationship and a family. I’ve been trying for a long time to meet the right person and start a family, but my relationships have not been successful and I feel hopeless, as if I will have to give up the one thing I’ve always wanted in my life. The idea of spending the rest of my life pursuing some career so I can pay my bills but not having close relationships makes me feel so empty and isn’t something I can feel excited about.

  • Marie

    January 26th, 2014 at 2:00 PM

    I have never commented online before and have no idea if this will provide any solace for you; but I too am in my late 30s and felt myself nodding in agreement with almost every sentiment you so bravely shared. I too have held onto the ray of hope that time, maturity, and ‘doing the work’ would eventually lead me to some sort of freedom from the chronic dis-ease of anxiety and depression. Though as the years have passed, this has become more difficult, I still continue to work at it hourly, daily, weekly. Thank you for sharing.

  • Melanie

    January 18th, 2014 at 1:36 AM

    I do wonder if it’s better to take ones own life rather than be “dead above ground” on earth for the rest of your days. What if you don’t ever get better? What happens when what little hope you have starts to fade… And yes, I’m in therapy and am on two antidepressants, I work full-time and manage to keep my ‘mask’ on while at work. It’s just all very tiring.

  • JJ

    January 18th, 2014 at 10:07 PM

    I think AntD hit the nail on the head. Depression can rob us of our identity, our joys in life. Even though I am functioning on the outside–work, maintaining a household–so much of what was ME, my love for music, my intelligent mind, are put on permanent hold. I can only imagine how many others are out there struggling, yet invisible because to all outside appearances they are surviving independently.

    Therapy, diet, exercise, right thinking all have their place. But what we really need is to experience being ourselves and knowing and feeling intuitively “this is how I am meant to be”. It’s not so much we need to be free from depression, we need to be connected, at least on occasion, with the vitality that is within us! And that is something medicine has little understanding of, or seemingly any interest in.

    Perhaps I am just spouting nonsense. Here’s to all those who still hold out hope–that you may discover what is vital and real within yourself. I will keep searching wherever it takes me.

  • phoenix717

    January 20th, 2014 at 8:46 AM

    Hi.I’m 26 years old now.I was diagnosed with depression in 2012.I should have graduated from medical school last year but I deffered the session because I was experiancing memory loss and concentration problems.I’m always isolated,I’m putting on weight because of the drugs.I feel hopeless like I have no future.I don’t know what to do……

  • phoenix717

    January 20th, 2014 at 9:29 AM

    I take seroxat(paroxentine)I don’t feel depressed anymore,its just the trouble I’m having concentrating and with my memory

  • jil

    February 5th, 2014 at 9:15 AM

    hi, i’m 22 years old suffring from my depression for only about 3 months now. i haven’t imagined that i will suffer from this kind of illness in my life. i just passed my board exam last 2012 and started to work as civil engr by feb of the following year. but now i already lost my first job bcause of being such a negative thinker and always sad. i had lost my focus and concentration and started to think that it’s my fault for loosing my job because of being a self-centered human being. i always blame myself and think that i cant go back to my normal life again. i always wanted to go back to work again but every time i think about being working again realy makes me say to myself that i would be ending up in the same traumatic situation again, and that what makes me realy depressed again. is it okay for me to find a job and start working again? i really need to get back working again for my family. :(( sorry for my bad english

  • jil

    February 5th, 2014 at 10:12 AM

    it all started when i was still working. i didn’t have a healthy workng envrnment. i felt like i was descrminated by some of my coworkers. they sometime bullied me or make fun of me. but not all of them. it gets worst when the woman i really like gets back with his boyfrnd and i started not communicating with her anymore until now. My salary also made a big factor to my depression when the company failed to give me my salary increase because of there negligence. i felt like i was being betrayed. then i started to lose my interest of what i’m basically doing in my job. felt like nothing’s makes sense, why am i doing these things? then that time i started to find it hard to sleep. i also had a sudden wake-up having a very fast heartbeat and feeling unwell. i think it’s panic attack. And so i decided to file a resgnation but from that time i felt that my depression gets worst. i totally lost my focus and interest to many things. When i was already home i didn’t like to go out and talk to anyone even my friends, i slept until 11am-12pm. i felt like not going back to work again having the feeling of so depressed. all i think now is negativity. i also have of suicidal thoughts sometimes feeling that i can’t get better. :(( i really want to get back my life.

  • admin2

    February 5th, 2014 at 1:51 PM

    Hi Jil,
    If you are experiencing a life-threatening emergency, in danger of hurting yourself or others, feeling suicidal, overwhelmed, or in crisis, it’s very important that you get immediate help! You can do one of the following immediately if you are in the United States:

      Call your local law enforcement agency (911);
      Go to the nearest hospital emergency room;
      Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TTY:1-800-799-4TTY)

    GoodTherapy.org has further resources on this page: https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html
    You can also look for a therapist on GoodTherapy.org at https://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html

    We hope these help, and we wish you the best!
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT

    February 5th, 2014 at 8:36 PM


    Most depression can be relieved by psychotherapy. Would you consider talking to a therapist about all of this? We can be supportive, but we can’t get you though this here on the forum, but if you see a therapist, you will very likely feel better and be able to have a good life.


  • Gracie

    March 6th, 2014 at 11:11 AM

    In response to:

    Cynthia Lubow, MFT says:
    February 5, 2014 at 8:36 PM
    Most depression can be relieved by psychotherapy. Would you consider talking to a therapist about all of this? We can be supportive, but we can’t get you though this here on the forum, but if you see a therapist, you will very likely feel better and be able to have a good life.


    In my case psychotherapy has NOT relieved my depression. Therapy has NEVER helped me “feel better and able to have a good life.” I am 42 years old. I have been in treatment (psychotherapy, psychoanalysis, CBT, DBT, etc.) for 34 years. I have taken medication (every kind imaginable) for 20 years. I have been hospitalized for depression and self-harm more than 10 times.

    Needless to say I have tried everything that people promise will releave depression without ANY success. My depression is comparable to cancer. It is killing me. I am ready to die. I have a plan.

  • GT Support

    March 7th, 2014 at 10:15 AM

    You are not alone! Many people feel the way you’ve described. Still, they have been able to find relief with the right therapist or combination of therapies. Please remember that there is hope, and many people want you to succeed in finding a path that works for you. See below for further resources:

    If you are experiencing a life-threatening emergency, in danger of hurting yourself or others, feeling suicidal, overwhelmed, or in crisis, it’s very important that you get immediate help! You can do one of the following immediately:

    • Call your local law enforcement agency (911);

    • Go to the nearest hospital emergency room;

    • Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TTY:1-800-799-4TTY)

    • The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is equipped to take a wide range of calls, from immediate suicidal crisis to providing information about mental health. Call to speak with someone who cares; call if you feel you might be in danger of hurting yourself; call to find referrals to mental health services in your area; call to speak to a crisis worker about someone you’re concerned about.

    Please know that if you are international the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline might not be able to help you, but you can still go to your local law enforcement agency, and go to your nearest hospital.

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • rols

    June 7th, 2014 at 2:21 AM

    Tell me one thing, if a person is feeling suicidal, why will they call a helpline, they have had enough of life and are not strong enough to bare it anymore, won’t it be better if they just end it, all the torture that thier brain can take, its taken, why would they like any help, its not as if life will change afterwords, life is still going to be cruel.

  • Mossy

    July 12th, 2016 at 11:36 AM

    Hi Cynthia,
    Most cases of depression cannot be treated with psychotherapy. The evidence base for psychotherapy is very weak, weaker even than the evidence for medication. There are a small number of studies which show limited benefit from CBT but these are not properly controlled double blind studies and given the large placebo effect in all psychiatric treatment it makes the evidence even weaker. I think most people who suffer serious depression will testify to the ineffectiveness of psychotherapy even when the therapist is well meaning and understanding, which sadly is not always the case. In most cases therapist charge a lot of money and deliver little or no real benefit and the outcome is rarely properly measured or evaluated. It all takes place behind closed doors and the poor suffering patient has no recourse when it doesn’t work out. Often the therapist will blame the patient for not getting better, rather than blame their own lack of knowledge and the weakness of the pseudoscience that is modern psychotherapy. The fact is that it is almost impossible to conduct proper double blind placebo controlled trials of anything that happens in psychotherapy because there are too many factors at play. Every twenty years the psychotherapy industry introduces new therapies, each supposedly better than the last. So psychoanalysis is out of favour now because it is known not to work. Now it’s CBT and mindfulness. In twenty years time it will be something else. The truth is that for most people none of these interventions can have any real impact on the devastating illness that is depression. It will make the patient a whole lot poorer but not a lot else. Medications are not much better. Hopefully in the future their will be better treatments available, but today anyone suffering with depression should think carefully before spending big money on psychotherapy. If you can get it for free, take it, but don’t be a fool.

  • Rich

    February 10th, 2014 at 10:41 AM

    @Bryson-the second post from the top.

    Buddy, you don’t have a clue as to what you’re talking about.

  • DJ

    March 10th, 2020 at 3:46 PM

    I believe it to be the best and only true article in this long list of lies…Believe me, I know what I am talking about

  • Mark

    February 14th, 2014 at 10:52 PM

    I thought I wanted to write about how depressed I am. But sitting here thinking about what to say it seems so useless. I know talking about things is supposed to help, but I really don’t believe anything will help. I’m bitter about the way I feel. This is not the way anyone’s life should be. I’m actually embarrassed about my feelings. Can you believe that? I’ve dealt with depression all my life. Even as a child I would cry myself to sleep for no apparent reason and it’s so bad now, I don’t want to go on and my pride is still making me not want go into details. Absolutely incredible!

  • Ethan

    February 20th, 2014 at 6:33 PM

    Don’t worry eventually u will get there. And I used to cry about my life and kept doing it until I hardly ever cry anymore like I stopped caring. And I remember one time my mom was like Ethan stop trying to get attention but I now say screw you to that cause I care how I feel because that’s the only person who needs to care not your freinds. my freinds never really call me out on it I guess it doesn’t show but opening up to ur freinds is supposed to help if u can’t or don’t have any friends just tell ur feelings here cause u need closure. And it’s funny how I’m trying to tell someone bout my depression most people don’t think I know what depressed is cause im not even driving yet.

  • rols

    June 7th, 2014 at 2:15 AM

    Its funny how everyone says just go to friends and distract ur self from negative feelings,no friend listens to a sob story, they will listen a first few times and then just run away.this depression is like a curse, even if something good happenning, the depression will make it run away…

  • Colleen

    February 15th, 2014 at 10:53 AM

    It’s all well and good to suggest psychotherapy… but it all costs money and when you don’t have any extra, it’s simply not a reality. Besides, over the years, I’ve been through various therapies, and none of them have had any lasting impact. My entire life–for as long as I can remember–I’ve had varying degrees of depression. I’ve attempted suicide twice and contemplated it countless times. I’ve been on medication for years now, too. I don’t necessarily want a quick-fix, but I do want something permanent. I’m exhausted with feeling apathetic on a good day and suicidal on the bad days… It’s as if I am neurologically incapable of pleasure.

  • Cynthia Lubow

    February 15th, 2014 at 1:37 PM

    Mark, It’s unspeakably unfair that you’ve had to suffer so much your whole life–I totally agree with you, and understand why you’re bitter. It’s even more unfair to have to feel embarrassed about it–adding pain to the pain. I don’t know whether or not you can get full relief from the depression, but I know you can at least get relief from the additional pain of the embarrassment. Have you tried therapy, or have you felt too embarrassed to go? I know there’s a great deal of pressure in our culture for men not to talk about or get help for emotional pain, but if you haven’t tried good therapy, you owe it to yourself to bite the bullet and get some relief.

  • Dip

    February 19th, 2014 at 9:10 PM

    Hi ! This is my personal experience … And I find that anulom-vilom Pranayam work best for depression … As earlier I had it since last may be 2-3 yrs bt since last six month I m doing this pranayam for 40 mins. Daily and now I feel it totally cured… If u want u can extend the time duration of it depending yr requirement …let me tell you I was on medicine bt it didn’t work …..but this pranayam really work try it and never miss it for a single day. Best of luck for yr new journey towards endless joy and happiness

  • Dawn

    February 20th, 2014 at 10:53 PM

    Hi Cynthia I wanted to make a suggestion to # 85 post, about how being depressed keeps us from being around others like family and friends isolating..I had just found a website called “meetup” and this message is for everyone on here, this meetup website is a bunch of different groups you can join for free, pretty sure it is in every state, I found one called Depression defeaters, it is people who have depression that meetup of course with an organizer of the group to simply try and get out, whether its for lunch, bowling , a movie etc.. and it may help some to be able to meetup with people who are in our shoes and get out of the house and meet some nice understanding people that can be supportive as well as supported. just an idea. if you want to know more just ask. God bless you All! Dawn

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT

    February 21st, 2014 at 11:43 AM

    Thank you Dawn–good resource for people who can make use of it. Being depressed often puts people in the unfortunate position of being unable to bear going out and socializing yet feeling lonely at the same time.

  • Lucy

    February 27th, 2014 at 8:51 PM

    Anyone with depression should check out this study which measures childhood traumatic experiences and resiliency. I found out that I have very good reason for my lifelong depression.

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT

    March 7th, 2014 at 12:24 PM

    Gracie, I see you have tried so hard for so long to feel better, and nothing has worked for you. This does happen sometimes. Usually people who experience this still don’t want to die, they just want to stop suffering and dying seems like the only way. I think you are not convinced you want to die, because you are writing to us about it. There must be some tiny thread of wanting to find a way to live with less pain. In fact you have managed to survive decades of suffering, multiple treatments and multiple attempts to kill or hurt yourself. Something in you is fighting to keep you alive. What is it?

  • Sarahhavs

    March 8th, 2014 at 9:02 AM

    I’m 29 years old and I’ve been having depression since my early teens. My family life was not stable as a child, my mom was always sad and it felt like she didn’t love me or want me. She jerked away from me when I walked into the room with her, and sometimes locked me in the laundry room or gave me Benadryl. My dad was mostly distant but when he did talk to me it was like a fantasy kind of love that made me feel good for a time but later empty. After my dad left my mom to be gay, we moved to Hawaii where my uncle lived- but in a shack with no electricity very minimal solar power and a generator. It was all very confusing as a child, the changes. My mom got worse and fantasized out loud about not having children and talked about the sympathy that mothers get whose children died. It may not have been what it sounded like, but to me it felt like she had fantasies about killing me and my siblings or at least us being dead. I have an older brother that is mentally handicapped and she beat him and us, but she beat him a lot with cooking utensils. As it had occurred with me when I was younger, I caught my mentally handicapped brother inappropriately touching another sibling… CPS and others became involved… Long story short she was going to put my other sibling in foster care- because he got molested- instead of giving up my mentally handicapped brother who was a threat to the the rest of us- it didn’t happen. My older brother was taken into his father’s care (he’s a half brother) I sympathize with him too, but my mother wanted him in her home to hold onto his disability money. And she should have been supervising us more, because it happened more than once.

    My father eventually freed us from her care- when I was 12 and my brother 8, but he let his new partner raise us and his partner had very little understanding of how to deal with children. He did his best and he cared but he kinda treated me and my siblings like rag dolls. I felt like I had no will of my own, and even in conversation, he’d keep talking until I agreed with him, getting more and more repetitive and aggressive. Sometimes he’d be paranoid I was doing something wrong and invade my room when I was half dressed. He did some caring things but also did things that felt very wrong. And no amount of protest for the way I was being treated helped. My dad seemed like his partner overwhelmed him too- but my dad has always been a perpetual kid, I don’t know how someone else would have put in their part in that situation. My dad was distant and depressed most of the time. He said mean things to me mostly. Brian only seemed to be happy with me when I was glowing with some unreal happiness and my dad was only happy when I was miserable.
    I just want love. I want to someone to hear me for real.
    I have tried to calmly talk these things out with each of my parents but when they totally didn’t get it, I got more and more angry. With each of them it has ended in anger and frustration and feeling even less loved than before because nothing feels like it works out.

    I just feel like I want love- I feel like by ignoring everything there is no way to see each other. I don’t want or
    Like blame and I’m probably being too harsh even here. But I’m so angry and hurt and I can’t seem to stand on my own two feet.

    Now I have a hard time trusting anyone.
    I feel like I hate myself, and I don’t know how to build value in myself. I’ve been to therapy as a child, teen and as an adult. I was in two year of therapy and quit a few months ago. I institutionalized myself a year ago for three days because I was afraid I was going to kill myself. I have a hard time getting into routines, but mostly I have a hard time eating. A really hard time. Every day I wonder if all this trying is worth it because the pain is so great I can barely take it. I throw up all the time and have lots of anxiety. The medication made me feel asleep all the time or like I was suffering from memory loss. And I didn’t feel any better. I smoke pot but it seems to make things worse, but it’s really hard to cope with the pain without it. At this point I really don’t know what to do, I feel like everyone I know looks at me like I’m weak, and it’s hard not to feel that way about myself because this has been going on for so long. I’m isolated from other people. It feels like a cycle i don’t know how to get out of.
    Any advise would help so much.

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT

    March 9th, 2014 at 12:33 AM


    Wow, what a sad, sad story you’ve lived! I don’t know how you’ve had the strength to survive this long–it’s a testament to your amazing strength and will to live. It seems to me that you need to basically be re-parented. The messages you got from your parents were basically that you had no value and shouldn’t be alive. We all need to have a sustained experience of people valuing, understanding, comforting and protecting us with unconditional love. This is how we develop the ability to love and thrive. Your parents couldn’t do this, so you will have to find a mentor or therapist or relative or spiritual guide or someone who can do this with you for years, so that you can develop into a happy, healthy adult. This can even be done with a person in your imagination; you just have to have witnessed it in life, book, movie, whatever. I know this may sound wild or impossible, but it’s actually neither.

  • Sarahhavs

    March 9th, 2014 at 10:17 AM

    Thank you so much for the quick reply. This really helps a lot. I will feel better asking for help, and I will go back to therapy. Thanks again.

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT

    March 9th, 2014 at 10:34 PM

    I’m so glad! Thanks for letting me know.

  • Riikka

    March 11th, 2014 at 5:15 AM

    “Atypical depression is also characterized by feeling emotionally paralyzed, physically leaden—barely able to move or engage in any activity, and often overeating, oversleeping, and experiencing sensitivity to rejection.”

    Thank you for writing this. The above describes my husband to a T. Until now we have been puzzled about what is going on with him. He has had periods of depression before, but lately he hasn’t felt so much depressed as all of the above. To be quite frank, living with him can be unbearable at times. He feels rejected, unlistened to, stressed out and attacked from the smallest change of tone in my voice – and he expresses it all through getting angry at me for “fighting him”.

    We have been married for almost three years but have no children. Some days I just want to run away. Not many things are tying us together, I could start a happier life with someone else, I could have an emotionally stable husband and co-parent. The way my husband is today, I wouldn’t dare to get pregnant. He is not fit to handle the stresses of having an infant, raging toddler or moody teenager for that matter. At the same time, I love him. I do. And I have chosen to be with him, through good times and bad. These are definitely bad ones. I feel like I would let him down by abandoning him when he’s down, and I know he would never forgive me for doing so either.

    But what is there to help us? Help might be available but not unless he takes initiative himself. Therapy only helps if he is motivated to help himself and he refuses any antidepressent medication, a decision which I do respect, because would probably choose to do the same. But I am finding myself more often in a spot where I no longer feel like I can accept his decision not to act and aggressively reach out for the helping hand that is constantly offered to him. I am finding myself thinking: make an effort or I will leave you to deal with it on your own. An unfair threat to a depressed person I suppose, probably he would help himself if he knew how. But I am feeling increasingly tired helping him as well. And that is not a good sign.

  • Fiona

    March 23rd, 2014 at 3:35 PM

    Very good article. I have lived with the condition for 20 years and thought I knew everything there is to know. Turns out I have more to learn!

  • Will

    March 25th, 2014 at 3:33 PM

    I have been depressed several times before, and now I am in it again. It feels worse now because I am older, and I have less hope for getting an education, a good job, girlfriend or a wife. When I think about these things it makes me want to kill myself. I have less contact with my friends now, I isolate myself. I have nothing to say about the reasons for my illness anymore, I think. Had an appointment with a psychiatrist today, and she didn’t have much to say about things. She said I could be hospitalized if I needed it, but I don’t want to do that anymore.

    I take Effexor. Worked last time, but not now. Been on it for 8 weeks, 225 mg. Every day now is torture. I don’t see how therapy will help. But I am desperate. It’s awful when they (psychiatrists) ask: “What do you think could help you now?” I am totally blank. It makes me hate them. I feel like I should have an answer. It makes me feel guilty and lazy and awful. I see the statistic seems pretty gloomy for me and my fellow sufferers. I don’t know how many more of these episodes I can take. People around me are not surprised or very concerned about it anymore. But it is still just as painful for me. Every day is shame and hiding and anxiety and walking around in a haze wondering why I am still alive. I am not sure why I am writing this, but I liked the article.

  • Good Therapy Support

    March 25th, 2014 at 3:57 PM

    Thank you for your comment, Will. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • rols

    June 7th, 2014 at 1:53 AM

    Hey, I never realized life was going to be so difficult while growing up. Now m 30 and I have absolutely achieved nothing. Evrytime any difficult turn would come I would just shut myself off ccoz I would get so nervous.when I was fourteen I was in a blast where I lost my mum ,that was my first episode of depression which lasted 6 months. After that every few months this horrid illness returns wher I feel complete hopeless.,I stay alone and do not have a job, I just stay at my home hoping I just decay and no one notices. What is the point in this life, every few days there is a hurdle, I wonder why God made life so difficult., if he was throwing so much trouble at us atleast he should have given us the courage to face it.. in addition everytime I go through these episodes its like I have gone back a few years , instead of my brain moving forward ,it just go back a few years..I do not have money to go to the therapist..and I keep reading what I can do to get rid of this feeling but my will to fight has got lost.. I feel like a lost child who wants someone to hold their hand and just guide me ,tell me how to sort my life. I don’t know how it comes to somany people naturally, how do they know how to handle life. I have become my worst enemy.how do I become normal again.I know ppl have worse problems ,but there problems are real, my my brain creates a problem and then makes it so bad that there is no running away,my heart beats fasterbut it still beats,I hope that it stops beating but the damn thing still keeps pumping.

  • ell

    March 25th, 2014 at 8:57 PM

    life is so hard, I don’t want to get better, I do not want attention. freedom from my mind is what I want.

  • tibble

    April 6th, 2014 at 1:48 PM

    thanks to everyone who has written, i relate to so many of you. too tired to write much now. Is this forum based in the US.
    ps. Joanne (message no. 83) I feel very similar to you.

  • Sad Old Soul

    April 6th, 2014 at 2:55 PM

    I did not realise there were so many people suffering the same way I am. I came here for solace as my medication is just not working. I didn’t find it (solace), I’m just so sad for us all. Why can’t we find a way.

    Something about all these comments strikes at me hard, they are all so eloquently written, by obviously highly intelligent people. I have often wondered if, the greater the level of intelligence of a person, the worse the depression gets?

  • Heather Warren

    April 6th, 2014 at 6:08 PM

    I have quickly read through everyones comments and I empathise with almost all.. I don’t suffer from depression however, my son who is 33 has done for about the last 15 years. He has been taking antidepressants for such a long time, prescribed by professionals, and they do nothing. Unfortunately now he has given up and ‘doesn’t care anymore’. He doesn’t want to see any more psychiatrists, all they do is up his medication and want to give him more ECT, which he has had and it didn’t work. It is really hard as a family to watch this once talented, beautiful person fade away into nothing. All he does is sleep and occasionally eats and as his mum I now feel absolutely helpless, I’m watching my son die a very painful death.
    Has anyone had similar experiences or know of someone who has? I am at my wit’s end.

  • Sarah

    April 19th, 2014 at 5:34 AM

    I really do feel for you I suffer from depression have done for many years now as did my mother and brother . I have three lovely children two of whom have been affected themselves . My daughter is 27 and has suffered since being bullied at school she recently lost her boy friend and was made redundant she has been very upset and tearful at times and tells me that she’s finding life really hard . It breaks my heart. My son became ill at uni and ended up marrying his college girlfriend whom I feel I have nothing in common with I’m so scared he married her because he was trapped at a difficult time in his life all this worry is making me very I’ll. I love my children so much and can’t bear to think of them being unhappy because I have experienced it and know how dreadful it is.

  • Alex

    April 7th, 2014 at 7:46 PM

    Heather(120), what your son walked throught i am now walking after, but… im still 20 years old. at first it was a light depression from my 13 years old… but then at age 16, everything changed for me. i was sick all the time due to sleep deprivation, my girlfriend turned out to be cheating on me, my friends didnt care for me afterall, my grandmother died, my mother became depressed for awhile aswell, i failed school due to skipping as i felt sick and so was forced to dropout, my father no longer talks to me.

    thats when i realised how you cant trust anyone, and how i started hating people(which i latter found out pointless). for a few month all i did was sleep all day, i felt like i had losten something really important and today i still feel that nostalogy.

    even after that, for the next 2 years i didnt belive i had depression(i simply thought i was sick), so i kept doing analyzis.

    in the same year, i went back to school, but my anxiety has gotten so bad that i feel unwell. i managed to finish 1 year but… the next 2 years after that, i dropped out after 1 month as i started having suicidal thoughts…

    ah ye… 2 years after my depression started, i finnaly gave in and i realised i had been depressed for those 2 years… then for 1 year i tried lots of medicine and physicriat but… it wasnt working, and i kept lossing mney so i stopped.

    now im here at 3 am posting this hoping that i can resolve myself to finish highschool at least….

    yes…. i dont want to continue like this, havent been able to love or feel interest for anyone for 5 years, i feel either sad or indiferent all time for no reason, i also feel nostalogic often, and im tired all time(even thought i do exercice evrry day and it doesnt make me feel more tired, funny enought), going out bed every morning is hell, eating is tiring, and the saddest part i look at myself and i realise am a failure in society and that everyone would probably be better of if i suicided(thts the main reason i wont, i dont want to give up to this society i hate).

    what im going throught, your son probably went too. i just hope i dont end like him.. it sadness me to think my future has no goals.

    btw.. i have goals such as working out my best every day only because…. theres no reason in living. after releasing that, i figured out i wont feel better without trying to accomplish anything, even if i feel really bad trying to.

    funny… i guess im both a depressed and phycopath guy who contradicts himself at times. as if i need to go a doctor to know that. dont waste your money, thats my last tip, cya(sorry for being immature at end but we both realise theres no point in continuing this discussion).

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    April 8th, 2014 at 8:44 AM

    Thank you for your comment, Alex. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Alex

    April 7th, 2014 at 8:03 PM

    actually your son depression wont get better, but stilll…

    theres 2 paths for him:

    live with it.


    die with it.

    what he chooses its up to him, but if hes been like that for years then im sure he doesnt want to die. my suggestion would be, tell him to set a goal. doesnt have to be something he likes(just as people grind in korean games every day as a goal, even thought it as borring as doing nothing). im sure he will get tired of sleeping after a few months, then his problem will be anxiety of doing something different, not even the depression.

  • Jimmy

    April 13th, 2014 at 11:26 AM

    Depression is a scary thing. I’ve been on and off meds for 14 years and some have helped better than others. I did hide an addiction to alcohol until recently but after being sober now for over a year I find I’m struggling w it again. Its scary because I have so much to be grateful for but I feel it pulling me back. A friend mentioned I need to go see another doctor and start over fresh. Nothing against the old doctor just a fresh perspective on me. I guess you just have to have hope. I’ve had lots to be grateful for and even w that it can be hard to see. I hope someone that is struggling and less fortunate than me just can keep holding on and ask for help. Even a friend reach out to someone you think is hurting. I fortunately still see my son often but miss him dearly and still miss my ex that i pushed away. Sounds cliche just keep fighting.

  • Malynn

    April 16th, 2014 at 6:43 PM

    So many poor, sad, dark souls here. I am one. I am 26 years old and a female. I think I was depressed as a child because I was severely bullied and remember having extremely low self esteem from as far back as age 14. I used to walk around clinging to my grandmother asking her repeatedly “Do you love me Granny?” This would happen at least 15 times every day. I was always worried about being ‘bad’ and was angry at school all the time. I also remember wanting to die so I wouldn’t bother people. She pretty much raised me as mom and dad worked all day. On the outside I had a really great childhood. Both parents were with me and always loved and cared for me, no abuse of any kind. Something just went wrong somewhere.

    Flash forward to college. Due to a learning disability I was never able to get my AA degree. I remember the first wave of what I now realize was probably major atypical depression settling in when I was 22. I just cried because I knew I wasnt good enough for anyone and that I had dissapointed everyone in my life. Sleeping 14 hours a day, I never bathed and rarely ate. I hated who I was and kept my anger inside. God only knows why I never started self harming. I would snap at my parents but never, EVER got angry at anyone but myself. I started to seriously think about killing myself at this point. I remember going out and buying a bottle of sleeping pills and lying on the floor sobbing, wanting nothing more than to take them but was unable to because I knew it would devastate my elderly grandparents, who I adore. I was able to work and function, but inside I just wanted to die. During this period I was also very promiscuous and did a good many drugs. I was in pain and didn’t know how to get out of it. I still don’t. I thought that if maybe I could get a man to love me, I would feel better. They never stayed or wanted me for longer than one night. I started to hate looking in the mirror. One day I put black curtains up over the mirrors in my bathroom and kept them up for months until my mother came in and yanked them down.

    Eventually, I guess I just learned to ‘cope’ or live with the blackness in my spirit. It was always there, on some days more noticeable than others. Until now.

    I thought that for awhile, I was in the clear. That I wouldn’t feel THAT bad ever. again. I was so wrong.

    I started working two hours away from home at a high stress job. I have been bullied there in a subtle and sometimes aggressive way, and right from the start I knew inwas going to be in trouble. The night before the job I woke up screaming bloody murder, running from m ybed. This was the first of seven re-occurring night terrors that are so horrific, I’m afraid to sleep. I think about jumping in front of the subway platform at work every day now. There is a beach that will be my suicide spot. I know it. I can’t take this any more but I’m terrified to quit as I will lose my health benefits. Everything that has ever brought me joy has vanished. I used to love hiking and rock climbing. When my father told me that he and some friends were going hiking to a national park and that they wanted to take me, all that I could think of was which waterfall to jump off of and end my life. Even my love of the natural world has been stolen from me. I am walking through the valley of the shadow of death.

    This depression has me by the throat like a tiger. I can’t believe that it has come back even stronger than before.

    I wish I could see a way out but there is no way but death. And I’m tired of fighting.

  • Jody

    May 2nd, 2014 at 11:30 PM

    There’s lots of lovely people and places and things to see. I’ve been in a dark hole In my spirit for so long that I think I would miss it if it was gone. Keep going. It’s really not so bad. Please don’t die, not like that. There can be so much more. Some one will be emotionally damaged for the rest of eternity if you make that choice- please, please don’t commit suicide. And if your job makes you feel that bad, find a new one and leave.

  • Malynn

    April 16th, 2014 at 6:57 PM

    I should also add that this episode of depression is also different in that now I simply do not care. About anything. I have always taken pride in my work but now I dont give a d*** if my work is done at all. Today I found myself thinking “what is the point of doing all this work at my job when all I want to do is end my own life? If i killed myself tonight someone else would come in and clean up my mess by the end of the next day. Why am I doing this?” Everything is pushed off or ignored. I just want the pain to end. It is almost as though the only thing that matters any longer is stopping this terrible hurt.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    April 17th, 2014 at 8:41 AM

    Thank you for your comment, Malynn. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Sad Old Soul

    April 22nd, 2014 at 5:07 PM

    Up until today I only thought of suicide as a way out of the pain. So for the hell of it and because it didn’t really matter anymore I mixed up all my meds and took whatever was in front of me. And guess what….today was my first good day in years. I mean a really good day.
    Just to thank God for the beautiful breeze on my face and to want to live for more. And then I got scared that this might be the only good day so I don’t want to go to sleep tonight in case it never happens again….oh the irony.
    I also realised that talking helps. I talk to myself a lot as I have not a single friend and my husband just doesn’t understand depression at all. If anyone feels the need just to share, I will read your message, I will listen to you. Not offering a solution, but I will understand how you feel.

  • GoodTherapy.org Team

    April 23rd, 2014 at 9:34 AM

    Thank you for your comment, Sad Old Soul. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • mmadttog

    April 27th, 2014 at 12:26 PM

    For 12 years I’ve been beyond depressed and I’ve given up on ever being happy again.I’m a master at covering the never-ending emptiness and near total-isolation in my personal life or should I say so-called life.The good thing is I’m over 55 so I will not last too many more years anyway.I cry every morning when I awake and if it weren’t for the 2 days a week I work part time,I never leave my bedroom and spend some days all day with my head underneath sheets and blankets.No way I would think to inflict my soul-death on anyone so of course I live alone with no visitors.My neighbors go for months without seeing me sometimes because I peek out before I scurry to my car and I shop at the 24 Hour grocery store at 3 and 4 AM to avoid eye contact and when I see another person in an isle,I avoid the isle because sometimes I start crying when out in public plus my self disgust is so high no one should pay a second of attention on me.As a realist,my wounds are too deep and no light gets in.
    All the lonely people,where do we all belong?

  • amanda

    May 4th, 2014 at 12:11 AM

    I suffer from schizoaffective disorder which is a mixture of schizophrenia and depression. The schizophrenia isn’t nearly as bad as the depression side of it. I think I could live with being delusional if only it weren’t for the feeling that I am walking around every day with a weight inside my chest. Every day, I’m scared I’m going to die. Not suicide or anything like that, I’m just scared that the emotional pain will get so bad that I’ll suddenly just drop dead out of nowhere. I sleep most of the day away, but even sleep isn’t much of a release for me. I’m plagued by terrible nightmares and most of the time I wake up screaming only to fall back asleep a couple minutes later and have it happen all over again.

    My boyfriend tells me to “just be happy.” How can I be happy if I don’t even know what happy is? He makes me feel like I’m being an emotional little harpy. My dad doesn’t help either. I lied to him and told him I’m being treated for anxiety so he wouldn’t get too freaked out. Ever since he got a glimpse of all my medications, he’s been telling me I “don’t need them” and to “get off them asap.” Nobody gets it.

    I’m in therapy and I take medication, but I’m scared this just isn’t going to go away. Reading this article just confirmed that for me. I don’t think I can do this forever.

  • GT Support

    May 4th, 2014 at 8:30 AM

    Thank you for your comment, Amanda. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Cynthia Lubow

    May 4th, 2014 at 2:20 PM


    I have found sometimes schizoaffective disorder is triggered by childhood trauma. If that is the case for you, some good EMDR treatment might be very helpful in getting you relief. Any chance trauma was involved for you?


  • Cynthia Lubow

    May 4th, 2014 at 2:28 PM


    One of the great gifts of such deep, intense depression is realizing you have nothing to lose by making your life be whatever you want it to be. If the choice is losing your health benefits or dying, why not give up your job that is killing you and try to create a life that doesn’t kill whatever capacity for joy you have? You can’t afford to work at a job where you feel bullied and get night terrors from–really you can’t afford to do what you think is playing it safe by staying. You are actually doing the opposite, one could argue; you are risking your life by continuing to work there. Just sayin’.


  • James

    May 16th, 2014 at 4:32 AM

    I have bp, I am 27 and live by myself, I wont get a partner because I know what a drag it is to be around me. I work 40hrs a week and that just manages to pay the mortgage and bills. My problem is I get that sick with depression I am physically slow at work and its going to cost me my job. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want depression and homelessness. Been thinking suicide is the only option. “just get over it” go f yourself, I wake up everyday go to work and try to fight.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    May 16th, 2014 at 8:14 AM

    Thank you for your comment, James. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Peter

    November 8th, 2017 at 5:22 PM

    I’ve had major depressive disorder since my teens. I’m 46 now. Feel washed up. Two degrees, useless. I’m a caregiver now, but as so many other jobs I have issues with attendance and pleasing the right people. I started therapy and a medication regimen in August of this year. The side effects of the medication often seems to exacerbate my symptoms. Lithium knocks me on my ***, so tired throughout the day. My wife is getting sick of my not working/providing, and I just feel like giving up. I have four kids and I didn’t have a dad who was around that much growing up so I want to be there for them, but I have trouble with simple outing like Halloween, given that I prefer to be alone and indoors in the quiet. I hear voices too, often during times of elevated stress.
    I wonder if this ailment will leave me or if it’s a lifetime of sorrow and symptoms. Also my said that my blood cells are enlarged. Is this an actual physical presentation of depression?

  • onetopher

    August 8th, 2014 at 8:24 AM

    Please seek out the help of a psychiatrist, and get a case worker or counselor. There is also the suicide hotline and they have a Chat line in the afternoon until 2 am: suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx
    I went through all the medications treatments and just started ECT treatment two weeks ago. I am feeling better and have not had multiple daily weeping spells. So please don’t give up on your life. You are here for a reason and important to others.

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT

    May 16th, 2014 at 8:30 AM

    Hi James. Yeah, I get it–it’s so hard to keep fighting all the time, and also not to know if you can count on yourself to be able to do what you need to do. Have you been to a good psychiatrist and tried medication or even ECT? Most people with bp can live a pretty normal life with the treatments we have. I have a friend who feels pretty normal with ECT treatments. Also, have you considered disability and lowering your costs? I know that’s tough, but then you could work or volunteer when you were up to it and rest when the illness took over. Just some thoughts. Maybe you could even help others with bp, because lots of people have this issue and need help.

  • Kat

    May 16th, 2014 at 11:26 AM

    I’m astounded by the things people who have posted here have suffered. While I haven’t had such trauma in my past, I’ve been dealing with depression (hereditary from my mom) for about 10 years on and off. I’m noticing the big picture effects of this illness.. inability to maintain many close relationships, career confidence, etc.

    My main struggle right now is getting my live-in boyfriend to understand the depression. How do you make someone get it? It’s exhausting to be depressed and then on top of it explain it’s just my depression and hope to God the person understands. He is mostly supportive but I know he doesn’t truly grasp what depression is. My support system is my boyfriend and sister (I have friends but don’t feel I can trust them and don’t want to burden them and scare them away with it) and I don’t think they understand my actions and state are a result of depression.

    I have a therapy appt in a few weeks and that was the earliest they could get me in with the insurance I have. I’m sure I’ll explore more of this with the therapist but wanted to get that concern out now. Thanks!

  • Cam

    May 16th, 2014 at 1:20 PM

    Hi. I just want to apologize for my horrific writing in advance so I’m sorry. This is the first time I’ve ever voiced my concerns. Where to start? Well I think I might be depressed. I’m a 28 year old male. I don’t know. I’m miserable. Everyone around me thinks I’m doing so well but inside I’m eating myself alive. There’s not a day that his by that I don’t think about putting a bullet through my head or pinning it in my car into a stone or brick wall. I have had these thoughts since I was a young man maybe 15. There’s so much to write but I don’t know where to start. I have a great life. I have a great family, friends and I work at one of the greatest restaurants in the world which was a goal I worked towards since I was 13 but no matter what accomplishments I have or experiences I have nothing can take away the underlying thought that I am just miserable. I just need someone to talk to. As much as I want to leave this world I have to many people relying on me and if I did take my life it would hurt them to much. Are there any free hotlines or anything? I don’t know.

  • GT Support

    May 17th, 2014 at 9:17 AM

    Thank you for your comment, Cam. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • KP

    August 11th, 2014 at 8:14 PM

    Hi Cam,
    I am in my mid 40s. I’ve had problems w/ depression since I was 11. I just wanted to share w/ you. The main problem I’ve had recently is I’m afraid that I may hurt ( kill ) myself. However, I know I don’t want to die. The scary thoughts pop into my head, w/ no rhyme or reason. They’re compulsive. I feel they come up from anger that I’ve surpressed. I get freaked out when I hear someone has killed themselves. I think, why did they do that? I don’t want to do that. Dead is dead, Gone.
    We need to find a way past these scary thoughts. We only have one chance at life. We need to find even the littlest thing in life that we enjoy to motivate us to be strong. Find help. Talk to someone close to you. You’re not alone. We must Live. ( I know that sounds corny, but true )

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    August 12th, 2014 at 11:06 AM

    Thank you for your comment, KP. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • TJ

    May 16th, 2014 at 1:40 PM

    It’s not that people with depression don’t want to help themselves, it’s that they are so lost and sad that they don’t know how. It’s an illness that overwhelms you sometimes and you can’t think of how you can help yourself. Don’t critisize people with this illness for not getting help. It’s not their fault. It’s because they feel that there is no hope for themselves and that there is no one and nothing that can help them. Unless you have the illness, you can’t possibly understand how it feels. I know because I’ve had depression for 24 years. I’ve tried therapy, meds, you name it. It just doesn’t go away. It’s more painful than you can imagine. Partly because people don’t understand and partly because it’s not an illness that you can see like a broken leg or a cut. I often have to suffer in silence.

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT

    May 16th, 2014 at 11:59 PM

    Kat, you might want to take a look at, and maybe show him my blog article on what goes on inside a depressed person’s head. It’ might help him understand a little better. That’s why I wrote it.

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT

    May 17th, 2014 at 12:47 PM

    Hi Cam. I hope you have called the free hotlines referenced by GoodTherapy.org. I just want to add that it’s very likely that you could live without suffering so much and enjoying your life instead. We have treatments for what you are experiencing and you owe it to yourself to seek them out so you can live without being tormented like this. Find a good therapist and get evaluated by a good psychiatrist. between therapy and medication, you have a good chance of feeling happy to be alive, as hard as that maybe to believe right now.

  • Tina

    May 19th, 2014 at 6:52 PM

    i am a 41 yr newly married to a divorcee of 3 kids of which we r staying with us. im so misserable bt my hubby helps a lot. i have a good job but im just so lazy. i only cook at home thats it. my hubby does the rest. i pursue my studies bt i cant even.open the books. i hate de house im staying at whivh is my husband house in his previous marriage. im so depressed i feel like im noy sure why i got married but i love my husband
    . pls help.

  • Wendy S.

    May 29th, 2014 at 1:16 PM

    Hi. I am so tired of being sad. I’m 37, and struggled with depression my whole life. I have been married a wonderful man that has helped me through it all. Its not fair to him to have to live with someone like me. We’ve been together since we were 15. I was finally able to have a baby. He is 13 months old. I want more. I just want to be able to care for them. I lay here in bed now while he’s asleep beside me crying. I want to get out and do stuff. Most days it’s a struggle for me to even get ready. My mind is tired and I feel empty. I’ve been disabled since I was 24. That is when things started getting worse. Im stuck in the house all of the time. I don’t want my child to have a mentally sick mother. I wanted him for so long.

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT

    May 29th, 2014 at 11:47 PM

    Hi Wendy S.

    What have you tried in order to get relief? Maybe if you tell me what hasn’t worked, or what has ever worked, I can think of some ideas for you.

  • chris

    June 2nd, 2014 at 11:03 PM

    Cast seem to find the strength to do anything anymore and mad at myself. Can’t focus at work .ir the task at hand without just walking away. Not sure if something US wrong with me Ive had. Issues before but it would go away. For a while but it’s never been this rough . My spark is gone I’m not.as gun holt. As I was when I was 18-22 but I’m 28 now and I’ve battled myself to go to work but I’d lose focus and just leave. I argue to stay or go but the only ppl that I dont feel that way around is ny wife and daughter. I’m on the verge of just going off or blowing up and I know I’m better than this plz help

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    June 3rd, 2014 at 8:39 AM

    Thank you for your comment, Chris. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT

    June 3rd, 2014 at 9:18 AM

    Chris, there is help out here–have you tried talking to a therapist? Therapists help people with depression and motivation issues every day. Please make an appointment with someone you feel helped by. You are coping with too much suffering for one person alone. Your family needs you to be alive and well. You’ve already started reaching out–reach a little further and find a therapist to help you find joy.

  • Efraim

    June 4th, 2014 at 5:32 PM

    Are there answers to the ending questions?

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT

    June 8th, 2014 at 12:19 AM


    To me it is key that you had your first episode after the blast that took your mum. That means at the root of all the other stuff you’ve suffered is an unresolved traumatic loss. EMDR can resolve traumatic losses, and you may not have to suffer so much anymore. I know you said you don’t have money, but even a few sessions with a good EMDR therapist could make a huge difference. Is there any way?

  • thewalkingdead

    June 12th, 2014 at 10:29 AM

    I’m seventeen, with depression since I was 13. It feels like it’s been forever since I felt okay.. I’ve almost failed seventh, ninth, tenth, and now I’m going to actually repeat 11th grade if I don’t just decide to quit..
    I don’t know how I’ll even do in college. I’m scared I’ll end up as a drop out in college if I even get my diploma.. I’m so afraid for my life because studying and even completing the simplest assignments at school make me cry.
    I cry nearly every day. My ex boyfriend cheated on me. I talk to NO ONE at all. No friends, no social life, nothing. I can’t maintain any friendships. They all last a week and I never contact anyone back ever again, so I gave up on talking to anyone anymore.
    The only time my older sister speaks to me is when she’s yelling at me and my mother’s always at work.
    I’ve been hospitalized 3 times, on different medications, almost committed suicide once, used to cut myself for about 3 and a half years.

    I can’t do anything anymore for school. I’m in therapy and nothing works for me and I’m scared to death for my own future.

    I feel like im literally disabled. I don’t know how I’ll end up when I’m on my own. I’ve always dreamed of studying hard and getting into a great career but that doesn’t seem realistic.

    im so scared. i just want to take all my pills right now and hope that i die.

  • marcos

    July 6th, 2014 at 10:42 AM

    I ve heard that ayahuasca may help some cases that conventional medicine didnt.
    Just dont do it, if you never tryed other things

  • marcos

    July 6th, 2014 at 10:43 AM

    I ve heard that ayahuasca may help some cases that conventional medicine didnt.
    Just dont do it. Keep living.

  • Teresa

    July 13th, 2014 at 7:17 AM

    Hi.. Life still beautiful. You are young and problably pretty. You see no way out now but there is always a good way out. You can find it. Talk to your mom go to Church look for help. I have a daughter that is 19 and is going through something similar. Hope this help. Take care

  • Carter

    June 12th, 2014 at 1:35 PM

    I have no idea what to do anymore. I have tried everything possible short of being hospitalized, but nothing has worked well for me so far. I have hurt many good people, because of this. I have never asked somebody for help before I usually never tell anybody about this because I don’t want to burden people with it, but I am nearing the end here. It is like a never ending nightmare. I wake up every once in awhile for a short period only to fall asleep again. I have now isolated myself from my friends for awhile because I am having another episode. I always feel an emptiness inside, and a void in my heart that I can never seem to fill no matter what I do. I hate feeling this way. My friends, and family tell me very depressing things, and I do my best to help them, but I am never of as much help as I would like to be because it hurts me greatly to hear they are suffering, and It affects my ability to assist them. I am tired of hurting people i care for i always try my best to do good, but i always fail. I don’t know what to do anymore Does anybody here have any ideas that could work. I have tried medication but taking antidepressants only made me more depressed that I wasn’t strong enough to handle it on my own.I feel very selfish that i am feeling this way. I don’t hardly eat anymore now, I chain smoke very often. I have drank until I blacked out multiple times. I have been sleeping much more then I used to. I am a male if that makes any difference. I feel so worthless all the time… I probably am not worth helping, but if anybody has any ideas I would be really grateful for them?

  • Step

    June 15th, 2014 at 11:08 PM

    Try St. John’s wort it’s what I use and I think to myself before bed everything I’m grateful for because there are a lot of people out there that have it way worse then I do ‘ :)

  • Gary

    June 17th, 2014 at 9:02 AM


    I am a 52 year old male who has been suffering since I was a teenager. I have looked up everything on the computer. You may be an empath-please look it up. I’ve been on many meds in hospital 2x and have tried everything. Suffered loss of dad, divorce, work and home.

    I became a christian years ago and suffer still.

    I want you to know that I don’t know you but care because I live it.

    Don’t give up

    People care about you-even though you feel worthless, it’s just the opposite

    Keep your mind busy, take your mind off yourself – I am no expert but I do know about this area.

    Bless you friend


  • brooke

    July 26th, 2014 at 9:29 PM

    Hi first thing a male talking so openly about emotion is so helpful for me. have u ever tried hypnotherapy? it has really helped me. l think u deserve lots of love and u should wake up everyday knowing u are not on the same path as everybody else so dont compare.

  • Carter

    June 17th, 2014 at 2:13 AM

    I really can’t handle it anymore, and I can’t really understand why I am feeling this way? It is like the pain of a very bad heartbreak the constant emptiness, it feels always like a giant hole in my hwart. I can’t properly put it into words. It’s like going through all the stages at once confusion, anger, sadness. I just want it to stop. There are breaks every now and then which is always nice, but there far and few between.

  • Teresa

    July 13th, 2014 at 7:10 AM

    Hi Carter. Hope you are feeling better at this time. Have you try in going to Church?. They can help you there. There are groups in church that helps people in situations like you. If you believe in God pray to him to help you. You will see. Hope this can help you. Best wishes.

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT

    June 17th, 2014 at 11:48 PM


    There are lots of possibilities for where your suffering comes from and what might relieve it. Have you tried therapy? What have you tried that hasn’t helped and what if anything has? Let’s start from what you already know about yourself.


  • Rod

    June 18th, 2014 at 9:52 AM

    I am 47 years old and have been suffering from depression and anxiety since I was young.

    It has recently gotten much worse, to the point where I feel that my life is meaningless and I don’t feel I can continue to live this way.

    I have tried everything but nothing is working anymore.
    I don’t know who to reach out to anymore.

    I lost my only brother to stomach cancer 9 years ago and now my father is battling the same cancer.

    I just don’t have the strength to go on.

  • Teresa

    July 13th, 2014 at 7:08 AM

    Hi Rod. Hope you are feeling better at this time. I want to recommend you to go to church. They can help you. There are groups in church that helps people in situations like you. If you believe in God pray to him to help you. You will see. Hope this can help you.

  • Jeanette

    June 24th, 2014 at 12:27 AM

    My name is Jeanette and I have had depression for 8 months now.It all started with college.I had so much stress,low self esteem, financial problems, family problems.I had a boyfriend and friends at the time so I tried to distract myself but nothing helped. During winter break depression hit me hard and I started cutting myself

    This depression really affected my concentration so I ended up failing some classes, my GPA dropped and now I’m dismissed.

    coming back home made me think things would get better but my parents and sister keep asking me what will happen next semester in college and I don’t know how to answer.
    Anyways this has brought nightmares and fear.I go through everyday feeling hopeless with nothing but pain.I have a hard time enjoying things, I can hardly sleep and worst of all is my parents believe in just lazy but I’m actually dying on the inside.
    I finally got the courage to tell my mom then I find out that my grandpa is really sick and is showing signs of depression as well.

    I dont know what to do anymore I get laughed at, unappreciated and recently I get constant thoughts of suicide.All I think is that things would be better without me besides it doesn’t look like I have a future.I cant get a job and I’m a dropout.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    June 24th, 2014 at 8:48 AM

    Thank you for your comment, Jeanette. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Teresa

    July 13th, 2014 at 7:06 AM

    Hi Jeanette. Hope you are feeling better at this time. I want to recommend you to go to church. They can help you. There are groups in church that helps people in situations like you. If you believe in God pray to him to help you. You will see. Hope this can help you.

  • priscilla w

    June 25th, 2014 at 4:01 PM

    I have on and off depression. My husband is in the military and we had to move 12 hrs away from home. I have a very active 18 month old. My husband works ALOT of hours. So I am home alone alot. I feel like I can go crazy, and like I am gone to smother. I feel like I am only happy with my parents. I am 25 years old and I just want it to go away and live normal. Miki life is very stressful I’m always moving back and forth and it always seems funeral and further away from family. I know i need help and I want it. I want to stop feeling alone and except I’m away from family

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT

    June 26th, 2014 at 8:51 AM

    Priscilla, Is there any way to meet friends, other Moms preferably? Are there play groups on base or in the community, where your child could play while you visit? Or is there any way to get a break from parenting, and you go play? Is taking your child to be with your parents frequently an option? Give yourself permission to do what it takes for you to feel better, because feeling this way doesn’t serve you or your husband or child. People often think they can’t do what they need, because it’s not what other people do or what others want for them. That self-limiting can cause depression to get worse and worse and become harder to return from. Let yourself dream about what you really really really want and see if it would help you feel happier. Then find a way to do it.

  • Overwhelmed

    June 29th, 2014 at 6:53 PM

    I feel the same as Carter.
    I lost my Sister( my best friend) in February. Now my therapist decides not to see me anymore at a time when I need it most. I am devastated, hurt, and vert sad about this. I am at a loss for words. I don’ t know what to do. I am in a deep dark place and having a very difficult time.

  • Chmf

    July 12th, 2014 at 12:33 AM

    Hey overwhelmed,

    I just came across your comment and had to say something. First of all I can’t imagine what that must be like. I think for people that suffer from a painful mental state there is like this survival instinct to look for something outside to help out of desperation. This is because inside feels so bad. I think though that even though the feelings you feel tell you otherwise, you have a lot more power than you think. Depression and feelings of hopelessness are so lethal because it tells you that there’s nothing you can do and than most people outside agree with that at least to an extent because they either suffer from depression and feel the same or they don’t fully understand what it’s like. But I do. And I believe that if you create a space for a better reality, hard as it is, it will start to form. You have to be kind and patient with yourself and don’t try to fix the bad that you can’t fix. Just focus on that space of things that are better as much as you can. And slowly you will see that things are actually better. It sounds weird. But I have suffered through major depression for most of my life and can say that even though everything is telling you the exact opposite, things can genuinely be better. I wish you all the best and to find your happiness and love inside.

  • Emma-Lee

    July 4th, 2014 at 8:34 PM

    My name is Emma-Lee and I’m 19. I have been suffering from depression since I was at least 12 and have been cutting since I was 13. I have little to no self esteem and I know it sounds petty and childish but can find any reason for my patents to care. They have always favored my little brother because he is brilliant and a top varsity athlete for thee different sports. Everybody knows it. I have even had people ask if I knew they favored him. I always knew when he’d beat me more because I wasn’t smart or good at anything. I think the longest I went with out cutting was 10th and 11tg grade and that was because I had really great teachers. Lately though it’s jUst gotten so bad. I started cutting again a month into my first year of collage. I was too depressed to get out of bed and go to classes then my anxiety would go into overdrive because I missed classes. I started drinking heavily and smoking and doing a bunch if different drugs just to try and feel better or forget. I was such a wreck and failed first semester. My best friend and rugby teammate helped me relize I needed to get medicated after what would have been my third attempt and I did a lot better. But now I can no longer afford school so I’m back to working and I told my parents I wanted to enlist in the Navey but you can’t be in any depression medication so I’ve stopped taking it. It’s been barly a week and I’m falling apart. The last three days all I have wanted to do is cut and smoke and drink. I know my parents don’t care cause they have made jokes about my problems on many occasions and when I showed my cuts to my father he said “well that’s a silly thing to do”. I mean wtf am I suppose to do w that??? I’m just a mess.

  • GoodTherapy.org Support

    July 5th, 2014 at 10:16 AM

    Please use this for comments where people are in crisis:

    Thank you for your comment, Emma-Lee. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Jon

    July 4th, 2014 at 11:16 PM

    My sister (now 26) has struggled with clinical depression for almost 10 years. What was first diagnosed as bipolar, has since evolved into unipolar depression, and it has reached such critical levels that she has attempted suicide a number of times and has been involuntarily hospitalised on a number of occasions.

    She lives with my parents, and I live about 10 minutes away so the three of us care for her as best we can. However, at the moment her behaviour is such that we are struggling to stay afloat. She actually has a very good and caring psychiatrist, but no medical regimes seem to offer her much relief. She also has a good psychologist, but she is so reluctant to engage or speak with anyone that it is hard to get the benefits from this.

    Almost every day is the same now – she wakes up late (around 2-4pm), is barely communicative and just aimlessly walks back and forth between rooms in the house, pausing only to stare into space. Then she starts to cry, and then this builds up until she reaches a hysterical state, screaming at the top of her lungs (no words, just screaming), and then starts smashing things in the house, or tries to jump out a window (we are on the 8th floor of a high rise block).

    Nothing we say or do seems to offer any comfort, and the slightest thing can trigger these hysterical rages (the other day she was crying, and I sneezed, which all of a sudden triggered her to start screaming and shouting).

    Really at a loss as to what to do. Occasionally she screams out that she needs help, but then any attempt to help (or even ask what kind of help she needs/wants) makes her even worse.

    She is terrified she is going to be committed to a mental institution, which of course none of us want. But we need to find some way that she can get back in control of her body, because right now her depression/frustration is so deep it is totally debilitating.

  • Fran

    July 5th, 2014 at 11:10 AM

    I’m 62 and I’m severely depressed, now. I am now and have been on medications for the last 25 years. I also have been in therapy off and on. Nothing seems to help. I live alone and I really don’t have anyone who cares and would stand by me to help me. Most people just don’t get it and don’t want to be around you, anyway -even friends and family. I barely, function (I’m retired, thank god). I just don’t have the energy to pick myself up and continue living. It’s hard when you have no good reason. What’s the point of it all? Suffer, suffer and then it’s over.

  • holly

    July 13th, 2014 at 11:48 PM

    Fran, I am in the same boat as you and know how it feels.

  • Ricky J.M II

    July 6th, 2014 at 12:07 AM

    This is my life. I have been through the drugs and therapies – it doesn’t change stuff. I just don’t have the belief/delusion that there is any point to even trying, when all I get is frustration and failure; and the only ‘success’ is wrapping myself up in compulsive hobbies I don’t actually give a shit about.
    There’s never any ‘resolution’ or end to it, just more s**t more s**t more s**t. I’m freaking sick of trying over and over when all I want to do is kill myself.

  • GoodTherapy.org Support

    July 6th, 2014 at 10:35 AM

    Thank you for your comment, Ricky. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • zeezee

    July 7th, 2014 at 12:22 PM

    I suffer from anger and depression near every day now. It’s real easy to blame other people…even when the roots of your depression are actually all your fault. It makes a person feel better in a way, but sometimes certain people do have terrible luck in life. I look back, and people of authority, including doctors, a lawyer, a policeman, the MTO, have all contributed to what I know is a bad hand dealt to me. Now, I could kill these people with no problem. Nothing can be done to expose what these “pillars of society” have done to me in the past, and that’s all I want. I suffer from their deceit and prejudice in the past, and nobody wants to even hear the dang story. “Get over it.” is the common theme. Kind of extremely difficult, when the things these people did are in the way of improving my life and thus making myself happier. If it didn’t embarass my relatives so much, I’d pay these jerks back in spades…just sayin’.

  • Trying to survive

    July 8th, 2014 at 12:05 AM

    Hey guys
    Just wanted to share my story. I’m 30 and have been battling depression for about 5yrs now. However it was bearable and I was able to do my day to day activities. Since the last few months I feel as if it has overtaken me and engulfed me with a vengeance. Don’t feel like eating getting out of bed. Life seems a border and of no use. Tried various medication but of no help. Am clueless and blank. Seems that I’m losing the battle

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    July 8th, 2014 at 9:10 AM

    Thank you for your comment, Trying to survive. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Katie B

    July 8th, 2014 at 12:59 AM

    My boyfriend suffers from severe clinical depression. he believes that it is who he is and it is all that he is. He won’t come out of his dark room anymore and isn’t eating, and he is now refusing his meds. I’m not sure what to do because all I’ve wanted is for him to be better, but sometimes love is not enough. and this has gotten a lot bigger than me. Please give me advice, I am at my witts end and am desperate for someone to help him and our relationship.

  • Rose

    July 30th, 2014 at 8:42 PM


    My boyfriend has severe clinical depression as well as it is very tough. I’ve tried to be positive and supportive. I love him but I don’t make him happy and I focus a lot of effort on trying to help him. It’s scary. I’m not sure what to do anymore. I’m not sure that I’m in a healthy relationship but I’m not ready to let go. :-(

  • Emma

    September 2nd, 2014 at 11:05 PM

    Hi Rose and Katie.
    I am in exactly the same place right now as both of you. Not being able to help and watching your loved one struggle is the hardest thing. If I could take away all of his suffering I would in a heartbeat. I feel like somehow I make everything worse and I have to keep telling myself that this isn’t my fault. He tells me sometimes that it’s all too much and sometimes the love I have for him just tells me to let him go, because I think I make things more difficult for him. I don’t put any pressure or expectations on him, and I give him everything he needs while he’s going through this, sometimes at my emotional expense and I’m just supportive but sometimes I think what about me, what about what I want? I’m a person in this too! Why do you get everything that you want and get to push me away? What about my needs? I’m sick of being strong! I’m sick of walking around waiting for the rug to be pulled out from underneath me! I’m sick of giving everything I’ve got when you still might turn around and give up on us because it’s too hard for you
    you. Why can’t you try! Why can’t you do things for me?! It’s incredibly selfish and I hate thinking like this. I get angry. It’s something that can’t be controlled and it’s something that can’t be helped, depression is horrible horrible horrible. But still I get angry. At myself, for not being able to do anything, for feeling awful, for being supportive, for not being supportive, for giving him what he wants and sacrificing myself, for blaming myself for this. I get angry at life. Why did this happen? Why does this illness exist? Why did it choose us? How did this become my life, this wasn’t supposed to happen, right? It’s not supposed to be like this. And then I get angry at him. (not to him, just in my own). Why should I put up with this? Why do you have this stupid thing that ruins everything? Why is it so hard to do what I want? You’re selfish. You’re a jerk. I almost wish you were behaving like this on purpose. I hate that I can’t get mad at you! Why don’t I feel like I matter? Why am I doing this for you? What about me? WHAT ABOUT ME?????
    I feel horrible for this. I’m trying like hell to hold it all together, and my love for him never changes, I love him unconditionally. Sometimes it is so hard. Sometimes I want to be selfish. I miss the way things used to be.
    I’m sorry if I sound like an asshole. I’m sorry if I’ve said all the things that you’re not supposed to say. I didn’t even plan on coming here to say this. I planned on a nice little reply, maybe a couple of sentences to say that I understand and it was nice that there are others out there on the other side of things trying to hold it all together.
    I guess I do a good job for him, but I’m exhausted. I don’t know what to do, or how to feel. There’s the strong, supportive part who loves and cares and forgives. And then there’s me. Raging because I’ve been forgotten by me. Consumed. Distraught. Wanting to escape but can’t. Fighting against myself. Wrestling with what’s right and what’s also right but wrong. Doing the things you’re supposed to do, rather than what you want to do. And feeling f***ing horrible about it.

  • Rob

    July 20th, 2014 at 3:50 PM

    I’ve had at least three major emotional breakdowns. And, I’ve been “inconsistently”, but more or less continually depressed for the past five years. The way I’ve felt has caused me to push away family and friends, maintain inconsistent work despite acquiring two higher educational degrees. I don’t want doctor’s attention, and I don’t want family and friends attention as a result of my depression. I miss having friends and family very much. I’ve tried several SSRI’s and SNRI’s, a consistent dose of Benzodiazapine, and now I’m trying a mood-stabilizer on top of these; I no longer drink any alcohol. I bike ride and have a phsyically active job. Some people simply can’t understand–I simply don’t want to exist like this; I’m ill to the end. For the last six months I’ve been researching suicide extensively: I’ve been researching methods, locations where suicide is legal. Also, I’ve been reading religious, and philosophical perspectives on suicides. It’s quite scary to consider killing yourself, and especially the unknown after the act is committed. I try not to share this with family and friends because it does upset them. I think maybe we, as a society, should consider offering compassionate suicide to those with pervasive — I’m talking decade–of severe mental illness that medication does not touch.

  • holly

    July 23rd, 2014 at 6:35 PM

    Hi Rob,
    I have many of the same thoughts and feelings as yourself.

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT

    July 20th, 2014 at 11:22 PM

    Rob, I agree with you that in certain cases, depression is a fatal illness, and we should offer compassionate assisted euthanasia, when everything else has failed, and decades of trying and considering the options has not brought relief from intolerable emotional pain. I would hope this would be after raising any children one has, discussing it with those who will be affected, and putting everything in order as much as possible. I think very few people fall into this category–most people want to make life work, and most of those do. Most people who think they want to die and don’t are later grateful they lived.

    But incurable, chronic intense depression in my opinion should not be excluded from the list of terminal illnesses when assisted suicide is permitted for people with terminal illnesses. Sure, depression can cloud one’s judgement, but depression that causes constant, intense pain without relief for decades shouldn’t be put in the same category as a depression that will pass with treatment or time.

    The biggest problem is that our culture is so fearful of death that we don’t seem to be able to make headway toward giving people a compassionate choice to decide for themselves when the pain is unbearable. We have the means to give our animals a quick and painless death when they are suffering, but refuse to offer it to our people.

  • Laura f

    January 5th, 2017 at 5:38 AM

    I don’t think assisted suicide for intractable depression will never be approved in America. It is a fantasy.

  • Luke

    July 21st, 2014 at 10:18 AM

    Hi everyone, I’ve read all your comments and I’m so glad I have now… I’m 34 now and been battling depression for about 7 years after my memories of my childhood all came flooding back when I was 28, I used to get sexual and physical abuse from cousin who was only a kid at the time as well, I was 5 years old when this happened and carried on for 2 years after… I was never good in school as I have dyslexia and I caught my father having an affair with my eye surgeon at the age of 10 I think, and all this got to me when I was 14 and I tried killing myself with pills after I didn’t die (which I was quite glad of at the time) I then went through my whole life and wanted to live, I had such hope and dreams of my future I was looking forwards to what might come… And change my physical appearance and mind and be the best person I could be. Well anyway I managed to block all the crap from my past out and focus on what I wanted. I’ve done most of the things I wanted to do so far but yet come across this brick wall (depression) again… People do love me for who I am I’ve hiding this side of myself for many years now and told my family about what I went through it at 28 and did change my thinking for awhile but I still fill empty and shit inside. I have never felt good about myself and probably never will, looking back on old photos I was a handsome chap if not a thin one, I’ve had sex in the past and just I can’t enjoy it which makes having a girlfriend hard to have. All I’ve ever wanted is a nice normal happy life and a family with a beauiful wife, but I can’t let myself, I think I so deserve to have this, but can’t let myself. Do I call it a day? Or carry on fighting which I feel Like I have no more fight left in me. It’s a funny old game life that’s for sure. Sorry for my moaning.

    Regards Luke

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT

    July 21st, 2014 at 6:01 PM

    Luke, please look for some EMDR therapy. What you’ve experienced explains your depression and most of what you suffer from. EMDR may be able to relieve you of the past traumas and give you the chance for a life you deserve!

  • Luke

    July 22nd, 2014 at 1:18 PM

    Thank you kindly for getting back to me! I shall have a look into it. Regards Luke

  • Isabela G

    July 24th, 2014 at 10:20 PM

    My boyfriend of one year has not been diagnosed with depression. But he seems to have the signs. He constantly says he is a failure. He overthinks on everything and he has moments where he is in a little hole in his mind that he can’t get out of. Even if he has good moments, he has even worse bad moments, hating himself and criticizing everything he has done. He isn’t happy and I can tell. He is battling a silent battle in his head that not many know about. He doesn’t necessarily want to kill himself but rather get away and be calm inside his head. To be Peaceful. It seems no matter what I do, I can’t seem to help. It is taking a toll on both him and I. I love him dearly but I am at a loss at what to do…

  • Luke

    July 25th, 2014 at 11:23 PM

    Hello Isabela my names Luke I wrote the post just below yours. I’ve kinda come to a lot of conclusions in this life, life is what you make it! And only you can get yourself out of this state of mind I.e your boyfriend in this case. He doesn’t want to hassle you with his problems and probably fears you leaving him because of the way he feels, he needs to find his own answers in life as I’ve done myself and I’m looking forwards to the future. I watched some pretty motivational speech on YouTube just two days ago and found it connected to the way I was feeling it may work on him so here’s the link youtube.com/watch?v=_aAA9-edO3I I really hope this helps. And to the person who replied back to me, I kinda want to beat this myself and I’m pretty sure most depressed people are in the same boat as talking about it doesn’t really solve anything in the long run. It’s all about state of mind.
    Kind regards Luke

  • Barbara R.

    July 27th, 2014 at 10:45 AM

    I am 65 and have been struggling with depression my whole life. Since age 19, I’ve sought out regular doctors, non-traditional medicine, all kinds of therapy, everything I could think of. My life has been basically hell. I just found out that I have 3 genetic markers for depression and personality disorders, including suicidal ideation. After all these years, science is able to see the links between genetics and mental illness. How do I feel about this? It’s a bit late–my brain has been functioning as a depressed person for most of my life. I am EXHAUSTED from looking for cures. I am burned out and would welcome an end to my life, although I’m incapable of taking my own. How do I go through yet another period of hope–knowing I am biologically programmed for depression and maybe there’s some kind of relief for the problem, when I feel that my life has become totally unmanageable and I can hardly see the positive, although I have periods when life seems okay, but the baseline is always depression and suicide?

  • holly

    July 28th, 2014 at 11:22 PM

    I completely understand what you are saying. I may be younger than you but I have been battling all my life as well and I know it runs on one side of my family. It is a living hell whether non-depressed people want to hear it or not. I agree about it being so hard to keep going when you know you will be always facing that wall.

  • Linda

    July 31st, 2014 at 12:23 PM

    I’m sorry to read of your struggle. I’m struggling. Did not know there was any genetic tests.

  • David S

    July 27th, 2014 at 6:33 PM

    ive been dealing with depression for most of my life. I’m 28 and recently checked myself into a mental hospital it got so bad. I’m suicidal pretty much everyday. lately… every day is a chasm or endless pit. I’m falinng and falling and falling. my parents and fiance know my ordeal ive been candid and open with them because i feared for my life. I wanted to be saved from myself. havent felt much hope in a while now. It was intensified by a crappy job in my carreer with a horrible boss who treated me like scum. I give up and i try to piece it all together everyday. im kinda at the point where ill just give in accept im destined to be depressed forever. go back to work with no intentions of succeeding get my paychecks and live a solitary life maybe build a cabin and live there nd visit people when i get momentry bouts of non depression

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT

    July 27th, 2014 at 10:23 PM

    Sometimes I think the only thing that can work for someone who has felt depressed most of their lives and tried everything to get relief is to embrace it in some way. Being someone who understands intimately the experience of depression, you are in a unique position to be support for others who feel that way. Not support in the sense that you will be able to provide relief, necessarily, but sometimes just having another human being get what you feel is better than nothing. Actually, just being with one another without judging each other, just getting it can be really important. It’s like the difference between being in prison and being in solitary confinement. Prison is still a horrible nightmare, but being alone in prison is worse. Giving support and receiving support can both be helpful in the pit of depression. This forum is a small opportunity to be with each other in this way. I’m so glad people are using it!

  • Elle

    August 2nd, 2014 at 4:29 AM

    Hello to everyone,

    I am 39 and have suffered many bouts of severe depression since I was 21. I believe that I have Dysthymia with bouts of other depression, eg: it gets worse 2 weeks before my menstruation and other various ‘bad’ luck events in life can trigger it off very easily. Ending of numerous love relationships (the first ending of a love relationship that set me off into severe depression when I was 20 years old). Mostly it is a heavy pain inside that is below my breasts, in what an Indian yogi would call my solar plexus. Anyhow, most of my life has been a struggle to keep on top of this illness, most of my life working out any way possible to hide it from people that I knew, and researching constantly for any cure available. I have tried therapy for years, ie; over 10 years, many different anti depressants, acupuncture, yoga (but i find it hard to stick to), blood tests, magnesium tablets, homeopathy, anthony robbins, and many, many more, I just can’t think off the top of my head of all of them at the moment. My mother saved me many times in my life, as she was the only person who truly understood my illness, and I was truly lucky to be blessed with someone like her. It has been almost 2 years since she passed away with the most horrible lung cancer, and for 3 years I tried everything in my power to try to save her, as I loved her so much, but in the end she had to leave this world earlier than any of us would have imagined. I am left with the remainder of the family who never understood my illness and cannot help me as they do not know how. During my mum’s illness a very kind man entered my life and truly helped me through the most difficult part of leaving my mum and we then quickly married as he needed a visa to stay in the same country as myself. He truly was a blessing at the time, but we were not compatible in many areas, and now, after being together it is very difficult to see a positive future for us. From being an angel in my life, he has actually turned against me, cannot understand my depression and screams at me and threatens many horrible things verbally when he thinks I have done something to wrong him. this happens on average every 4-5 days, and has been going on for 11 months. It is indeed very, very difficult, and I cannot cope with my own depression, let alone what I see as extremely inappropriate bordering on abusive behaviour from him, and it is making me sicker. I apologise that my writing is all over the place, but why I initially wanted to write was that if any body on this site was privileged to have the money to travel to India or Sri lanka and attend an Ayurvedic resort/ retreat/ hospital, this truly has been the only medication that has given me some relief from depression. Unfortunately in the west, this treatment is far too expensive, but it is doable to go to India and stay and have treatment there for 3 weeks or more, or less. Along with this vigorous exercise, or opposite end of spectrum, yoga can help as well. It helps me, but I find it very hard to stick to doing it daily. I hope this information can help some others.

  • Nadia

    August 4th, 2014 at 9:26 PM

    I’m 17 yrs old, I have no idea how long I’ve had depression but I don’t know the last tone I felt truly happy n not empty, Im suicidal and self harm, I was put into a hospital 2 times in 1 yr n had therapy for 3 yrs. The problem is that I’m getting worse and worse everyday but my Mom doesn’t know, I always go to the beach with y family but I haven’t gone in the water for 3 yrs cause I always c my body lay lifeless in the water but the pool is different I go in on rare occasions but get out quickly cause I start to feel so uncomfortable. My family doesn’t know cause they all blame me for everything n hate me. I’m not social so I flat really have friends n I was bullied through out of all elementary school. I’M scared that I will never feEl again…. I’m just….. Numb

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    August 5th, 2014 at 9:03 AM

    Thank you for your comment, Nadia. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • David

    August 16th, 2014 at 4:28 AM

    Nadia, I am 56 year old living with depression for 35. If you want to hear what I have to say it might help please don’t give up till you hear me out just let me know. I’ll be checking in. please hear me out I haven’t given up even though I am suicidal.

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT

    August 5th, 2014 at 9:20 AM

    Nadia, life doesn’t have to feel so horrible. Please find someone you can trust to talk to and tell how you feel. It could be the beginning of a much better life. Is there a teacher or counselor at school, or a religious counselor, or a community mental health or graduate school near you that has a clinic? Will you be getting a job or going to college soon? There is help and a better life for you out there–you just have to find it!

  • Paul M

    August 8th, 2014 at 8:18 AM

    I don’t know what I am doing. I am 57 and most days I could care less if I live or die. I refuse to comitt suicide because I know that is something that would make others feel bad. I survive day to day…most days I can function just fine except for the concentration aspect. When I go through my bouts of deep depression it is like I have no feelings. I am looked at by those around me as being a grumpy old man. I get away with most of my episodal significant attributes because I live alone and I am pretty good at engrossing myself in work. However I really never accomplish anything. I hate being miserable. I depise those around me for having a successful seemingly healthy life and relationship. I can’t remember when in my entire life I have felt happy. Sure there are days I feel like I am on a mountain top bursting with energy and euphoria. Those days are far and few between and they are getting fewer and fewer as I get older. I am afraid to disclose my depression to anyone in fear of losing any remaining sanity that I have. My only recorse is that I know based on statistics I am 75% through with my life based on the national average men live. I retire in 27 months…maybe things will get better.

    Thanks for listening.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    August 8th, 2014 at 8:22 AM

    Thank you for your comment, Paul M. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Kat

    August 17th, 2014 at 8:11 PM

    Hi Paul,im 58 and i feel the same way you do,my husband ignores me,like i dont exist and im always down,im struggleing with trying to figure out what to do.all i do is cry

  • Vandasha

    August 9th, 2014 at 5:41 PM

    my name is van, i am 18 years old. how to decribe my situation ? .. i really dont know ; i really dont know if this is even going to help, but its like i dont know nobody i should talk to .. i fill so out of place most of the time , FOR EXAMPLE! my family is downstairs RIGHT NOW , and everybody is calling ne to go down but i just dont. i just want to go lay in my bed. no reason just sometimes i REALLY need to be alone, and by myself.. yesturday i woke up and just burted into tears , why ? I DONT REALLY KNOW .. i was just sooo sad for NOBREASON and everybody came into my room wondering what was wrong and .. THEY LOOKED AT ME LIKE I WAS CRAZY when i tryed to tell them i was just sad and i dont know why. like OMG its just so hard to explain and it HURTS .. SOOOOO BAD !!! not physically , but it hurts. and the faxt that i just CANT EXPLAIN how sad , mad , or alone i fill sometimes and i look up and the room is filled with people i love and adore SO MUCH and i just fill so down and out of place. for all i know i could wake up tomorrow and fill like the happiest person alive and for that split second im quiet acting as if im into the conversation .. all blacked out to how down i fill, how hurt , angry, down, and sad o fill ! & i look up and im laughing because im back again .. back in the living room table with my family.. i just hope this explains it , i just DONT KNOW HOW .. how else to let anybody know how i fill and i dont even know why i fill this way ..

  • David

    August 13th, 2014 at 11:28 PM

    look up the word depression which is similar to the way you feel and copy it or edit it so that it is what you feel you are feeling and get everybody together and read it out loud to everybody and prove to them that this is clinical and I want to be happy but I can’t please I know that nobody will understand so don’t say you do.the only thing they should understand is that you need help. I’m sure with a little practice you could say it better than I can,I’m actually losing my language because I don’t speak to too many people anymore.

    Stuff like that because if I had family that cared about me I would do the same thing I’ve tried talking to them but they just don’t care I email i texts and I tell them its too late anyways because I’m already 56 years old and if I thought you guys really cared I would ask for help but I know it will hurt me more knowing that nobody will help me. I’m sorry I got a little out of hand there don’t tell your family what I just told you that last paragraph just stick with the first part I told you that I discussed at the beginning.

  • Sally

    August 10th, 2014 at 2:10 PM

    I think I am depressed. I just went back to highschool Thursday and this weekend I can’t stop crying and I’ve been lying in bed all weekend. I hate school so much I’ve never hated going back to school so much. I also have been thinking about growing up and leaving home a lot. I love my parents and home so so much and I never want to leave. Is this normal? I don’t know what to do each year marks a new beginning of me growing up and I am just so so sad. Help

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT

    August 10th, 2014 at 8:52 PM

    Suffering so much is a sign that something needs attention. Can you talk to a counselor at school, or ask your parents if you can see a therapist for awhile, while you work this out?

  • Nat

    August 11th, 2014 at 12:06 PM

    Hi, my name is Nat. I’ve had depression since I was 15 and I’m now 23. I’ve never been able to talk about my issues, because the bullies who did what they did to me convinced everyone I was in the wrong. I was gang raped at 15, and my friends left me because I was a “whore” I was 15 and those same friends had been slipping vodka into my drinks so I could have a “good time”. I feel it’s too late to talk about it, and even if I did it wouldn’t matter. It also doesn’t help that I’ve been physically and emotionally abused by most of my family for what seems forever. I’m in my first long term relationship and I feel that everything starts to crumble when ever I get a little upset, like it’s not okay to be upset; so I don’t get upset infront of him and it hurts even more. I fear I will never be happy because I can’t talk to anyone about what has happened. I don’t cry every day, I just do nothing… Because I can’t do anything right. I’m often to anxiety ridden to leave the house, and I get called lazy. I am on social support and I’ve been told to avoid work for a few years, but my boyfriend won’t stop pressuring me into work, because he thinks I’m lazy. I would never kill myself, because I don’t want to hurt anyone, but I do welcome it. I’ve never felt like a normal human being, I don’t have any friends because I found it hard to trust people after what happened to me years ago. I’ve never deliberately been horrible to people, but I get picked on all the time. I just feel like my existence is useless, and that whatever I want to do my past will come up and ruin my life. All in all because of what happened, I feel I won’t have a normal life like everyone else and I lost so much time being depressed that I’m sure I’ll be depressed for the rest of my life.

  • David

    August 13th, 2014 at 11:14 PM

    I’ve been suffering from depression the age of 16. I didn’t know what it was till maybe 10 years later and now it’s going on 35 years and if you want to hear my story It won’t be very long.I’m all alone myself because i also don’t want to hurt anyone.

  • Jen

    August 17th, 2014 at 12:25 AM

    I’d like to hear your story

  • Thalia g

    August 13th, 2014 at 1:20 PM

    I never thought I would be back on here after I got my boyfriend because I figured he would be the one I could open up to and talk to and he’ll understand me like he should but he doesn’t, he doesn’t even listen to me or hear me out. Everything I say never comes out Right I have so much built up in me I just want someone to give me the time of day to hear me and not think I’m stupid or crazy, I’m so emotionally broken. I wish he can understand me and agree with me, he never takes what I say serious it’s always me talking stupid. He wants only things his way so it’s like his living in his own state of mind and I’m living alone in mine but yet we live together.. I just want him to be there for me and be my boyfriend and best friend as well I have no one else, I feel like he never wants to be apart of my family but I’ve been living with his for almost a year. His family doesn’t even like me I can feel it, they talk bad about me and think the worst. I feel so unwanted and uncomfortable here and the worst thing is he never speaks up for me and defend me , he lets them and I still have to respect them and everything around the house when they don’t do the same for me but I still have too.they make me feel mmore useless and like s**t. They don’t care about me or even try to have a good relationship with me but my boyfriend has a good relationship with mine, mine wouldnt be so picky and bitchy all the time we would have more space and freedom and actually not have to worry about being talked down on constantly, my family needs help, they are struggling my sister lost her husband in a accident and is now paralyzed and may not be able to walk again but it’s all up to her and when she’s ready and I have belief and faith she will be back on her feet, my mom is divorced and it’s me and 2 sisters and brother and she has raised us all by herself giving up her time to make sure we have food and a roof over our head, she would work all day everyday non stop and when I would ask her when is her day off she would respond ” I don’t have one I need to work to make money” my father never really helped but he’s been there from time to time and he lives in Texas and we live in California , when we came here we took off without him knowing I remember waking up and my mom said to hurry and get in the car and get as much things as I can, we came here for a better life and a new beginning but that hasnt started yet we have been here for more than 5 years and it’s all seem to be he’ll, we’ve been taken away one by the court and separated and my sister got her kids taken away as well and her and my mom got put in custody as well. It wasn’t fair for my mom, she did absolutely nothing she was working and when she came home she noticed the kids and everyonewasgone and went to the police station and they immediately handcuffed her without letting her speak. She didn’t deserve that she already been thru so much. She even developed breast cancer and that made her break down she kept it as a secret from us for as long as she could , when I found out I couldn’t even belIeve it it was just like ” now this” I couldn’t stand the thought of her even thinking and saying she is scared to die of it and thought it was time for us to know before it was too late , I don’t understand why all this is happening, It Kills me when I think about everything me and my family been thru. I wish my father could be here I miss him so much I would do anything just to hug him right now, I love him so much I don’t hate him for what he did he is and always will be my dad. Ive been thinking of going with him to Texas for a while but the thought of me leaving and leaving my family is what holds me back but my dad told me it would mean the world too him if I went with him or would be everything to him, he apologized for what he did and I forgive him it just hard to be at two places at once. I wish we were all back together… Ive opened up with all of this to my boyfriend he is the only and first person I opened up to and he didn’t even say much back it’s like he didn’t even listen to me I feel like I wasted my time even talking about my life and everything to him.. his family has it easy they have a nice home nice things in the house his dad has a good job nice cars and he is lucky his mom and dad are still together and a family, they don’t have worries they can afford things and able to do fun things he should be thankful for that. his family doesn’t even care if we are here or not they don’t even need us as much as much my mom does. and my mom is doing it alone still and she needs all the help she can get so I don’t see why he doesn’t want to move there, I miss my family. He just doesn’t see that he still wants to be here because he says it will be better here… i just thought he would understand and i was just wrong….

  • charlotte

    August 26th, 2014 at 4:33 AM

    I am 36 married (for the 2nd time) and have 4 children (1 with current husband)

    When I met my husband (40 this year) 7 years ago he opened up to me about his ex wife taking his children 400 miles away and him not knowing where they are.. He was very open with me, we talked, we cried, I offered to help find them and we looked at pictures he had.
    For many years after he only mention them on the odd occasion somtimes just “oh I remember my son doing that” or “my daughter had one of those” I never dismissed it and allowed him to reflect.
    Since then he had a rough time at work, his boss (a vial small little man) made his life a misery. He made my husbands job dissolve and caused us to fight in court for unfair dismissal. My husband struggled because at that time his then boss would goad him saying “oi you will do what I say!” And make him clean toilets when his actual job was a far higher position. My husband would find it difficult as outside work he would of knocked him out (yes I know that’s not great!) And his boss knew that!!
    My husband ended up getting his money but then started to change, he began to hate socialising, even taking his little girl to bed (we have together)would be a chore.
    He was diagnosed with depression and given tablets and although eventually he said he felt better I didn’t ever see a change.
    Now he’s become horrendous! !
    He’s always struggled with my elder 3 (ages now 12,14,16) he hates that I still am friends with their father and HATE that my kids don’t want to call him dad, they never say “your not my dad” but he really wanted them to treat him like they do their actual father.
    They actually don’t really like him that much at all now.

    He has done some very strange things… He took the keys off me so I couldn’t take my son to school, making him late… He hates that I want to sit down stairs late in the evening watching a film if he goes up, with 4 kids and a depressed husband I enjoy chilling ALONE in the evening as it’s the only time I get.. He will text my phone, call me, even come down and unplug the sky and sit on sofa until I give in and go up. He’s also sat with his back against the door to the lounge to stop me going in!!!!
    These are just a few things I can remember.

    For months I haven’t felt like I want to have sex or anything at all intimate with him as he is so spiteful to me. He snaps at me all the time and in the next brethren says “I know your going to leave me as iv been here before, i’ll end up with nothing again! ” the trouble is i don’t know how I feel anymore… when we got together he was everything to me, he was so loving, great with my kids and kind… now I’m on edge all the time.
    He now runs a very successful buisness and somtimes he goes away for a few days with work and I actually LOVE IT!
    I feel like I can do what ever I want, I have gained weight in the last 2 years and am having far too many glasses of wine.

    He moans at me because I won’t have sex, but I don’t fancy him when he’s like that, I don’t feel any attraction to somone that can be so nasty, even though I kmow he may not mean it…at the time it’s very hard to switch off.
    Iv tried to explain that to him but he seems to think that if I just give in to his needs he will feel better, BUT WHAT ABOUT ME??
    He hates me going out with my friends “woman are all out to cheat! ” is his saying…. so I don’t go out anymore.
    I really am struggling.
    Is their any groups I can go to for help for my sanity. … I don’t want to give up on him as I remember that man I met and know he’s still inside their somwhere.

  • Diane

    August 27th, 2014 at 5:50 PM

    Let me know if you get any help. I feel like we are in the exact same position. Trapped and not knowing what to do.

  • charlotte

    August 31st, 2014 at 2:15 AM

    I’m desperate for help… He got up for work this morning, (yes sunday) and was arguing saying how he says it’s my fault because I won’t touch him, cuddle him, kiss him…. etc but I try to explain that I feel abused and a victim naturally wouldn’t want to do these things to the person attacking them.
    It all started because I said I needed to get school shoes for the children.! He just went off on one….
    I’m on edge the whole time..
    He said “you make my life a misery!” He says this allot!
    I couldn’t help but cry, and he never consoled me or reacted to my tears just wrote a note saying things he likes that I do and things he don’t! …
    Things he likes….

    I make his tea..
    I do his invoices. …

    I feel heartbroken, I look after a 4 bed house and 4 kids!!!
    I do so much more than that!

    When I tried to explain to him how I felt, he talked over me and totally disregarded me.

    I’m at a loss, I feel like leaving him!

    My ex husband who I was with in total for 15 years cheated on me endlessly, but even he wasn’t as bad as this!
    He cheated yes, but obviously I didn’t realise that at the time and was always loving, I suppose to cover his tracks!!
    Nevertheless iv never felt so bullied in my life.:(

  • Ryan

    August 26th, 2014 at 6:09 AM

    My name is Ryan and I’m in a very dark and lonely place in life and am very very close to completely unraveling!!! I have been depressed since the age of 5 and i’m 42 now. My dad was a big time drug dealer in Miami, then became an addict. He used to beat my mother and I on a regular bases. The beatings were no where near as bad as the verbal abuse that rings out in my head constantly. Growing up in that life style I ended up going to 14 different schools in all, 6 different High schools. Everyone of us knows the mental turmoil that comes with dealing with your classmates. The only person I had in my in the years from 4-15 was my cousin who was 6yrs older than me. When I was 7-9 he molested me numerous times, and at that time in my life it was the only attention and love I got from anyone. When I turned 15 I stayed with my grandmother from time to time when my dad didn’t want me. I promised my self I would graduate high school and my senior year I moved back down south and graduated on my own. After graduation I hit the road and burried every thing deep inside. Every year the pain got a little worse the feeling of loneliness grew stronger and stronger with every breath. I always would run and start somewhere else when things got to close to uncovering all those things I have hidden inside for so long. I got married in 05 and my wife is the only reason I am here writing these words. Now I can’t stop the depression, it’s out of my control. I am very thankful I found the strength to get help. I hated my father and mother for never being there emotionally there for me as a child and it has destroyed my soul. In 2011 I drove across country with a friend from Orlando to San Diego. On my way to the airport to fly home, I received a call that my father had hanged himself. He suffered from bipolar,depression, and Parkinsons. So I guess it’s in my blood and there is no running away from this darkest stage in my life. I keep finding myself getting jealous when I hear that someone has passed away, cause I pray that it was me. Thank you allowing me to let this out it’s a start I hope!!!!

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    August 27th, 2014 at 10:31 AM

    Thank you for your comment, Ryan. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Laurie

    August 28th, 2014 at 2:32 PM

    Dear Ryan, it’s no wonder you’ve had depression. First, don’t blame yourself. There are evil people in the world. I turn to God because He can heal your wounds! Many people turn away from God, because they blame Him for their pain, when it’s actually satan that caused it. There are so many ways now to get help and feel better !! Promise! Start with seeing a good neurologist. It could be biological. Anger turned inward =depression! I’m a nurse, dealt with depression for 28 years. They have deep brain stimulation for unrelenting depression. They have TMS, vagus nerve stimulation etc. no more having to live n the dark! I’m sure you’ve (like me) have been on all the meds. Counseling would help you to get past what happened to you and possibly relieve the depression when you’re finally at peace. My family is difficult, but nothing like you described. I hope I can help you. I want too. hugs.

  • Keith Cuadros

    August 30th, 2014 at 10:27 PM

    As I read some of the other comments I am nearly breaking into tears and it is a great feeling because I am no longer able to cry to get out the pent up pain that I’ve been carrying over the last 3 or 4 years. I am 21 years old and have been hospitalized 3 times over the summer due to depression and suicidal thoughts yet I am unable to pinpoint exactly why I feel so down all of the time. I have a loving family that still cares about me supports me yet I go to bet every night praying that I won’t wake up the next morning. I grew up as a pretty popular, athletic kid and was only bullied on a rare occasion due to my race but that never really bothered me too much. Now as I am delving further and further into adulthood I am becoming more and more withdrawn from my old friends and I instead choose to spend days at a time in bed feeling like I am both paralyzed and have absolutely no desire to interact with anyone. I know suicide is wrong but I truly feel as if I lack the will power to help myself and death will be the only answer that will rid me of the suffering I constantly feel. I have sought professional help and was participating in an outpatient tangent program earlier this month but any useful information and coping skills I picked up I have been unable to use in my own life. I feel as if I am lazy and lack the desire to help make myself better but I just feel as if anything I do well be worthless

  • JJ

    September 1st, 2014 at 9:45 AM

    I have suffered severe major depression for 35 years.
    Nothing, and I mean nothing, has helped. My whole life, work, relationships, family have been impacted.

    Is there any way to contact other on here in the same boat?


  • Jenny

    September 1st, 2014 at 5:08 PM

    I am sorry for how you feel. I am in the same boat. I don’t know what to do to get away from my own self and some days I don’t even want to et out of bed.

  • holly

    September 1st, 2014 at 7:09 PM

    JJ – I am in the same boat. Would like to talk to you. Let me know.

  • Milo

    September 2nd, 2014 at 11:27 AM

    Well JJ,

    I was just released from the nut house for the second time in my life and I am trying to convince myself not to kill myself. I am severely depressed and bipolar but I’m not sure about bipolar because the dr’s say “mania”. When’s that happen? I’m just strictly depressed. Not a care in the world. Already signed over my rights for two children and the pen is in my hand for the other two. Now that I kicked everyone out of my life, I feel paranoid, like I should be doing something. I cannot concentrate on my business so that’s not doing so well. I already notified my older kids and told them I love them because I feel the end is near for me. I’m not going to live another 30 years with depression, no f**kn way. I stopped drinking and partying almost 5 years ago and I am 100% sober, no cigs, weed, nothing. Some people say “GREAT”, “THAT’S GOOD”. I say “oh really, good for who”? All my friends party but they’re really not my friends. I take so much lithium I glow and I take an anti-depressant. All garbage. Atleast for me, I’m not Catherine Zeta-Jones. So the moral to this story is it basically dwindles down to this, you either want to live with the depression and cope with it (that was real easy to say) or go the route I choose and that’s not to suffer anymore. You can throw me in jail or the nut house and that just pisses me off even more, send me to counseling which I don’t want to hear about someone else’s problems and counselors never give me a response. That just look at me like I’m nuts and they’re right, I’m a nut job just like the rest of you. So good luck with whatever you choose and like they say to me, don’t worry about what anyone else thinks, worry about YOU.

  • GoodTherapy.org Support

    September 2nd, 2014 at 12:49 PM

    Thank you for your comment, Milo. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Cusco

    September 2nd, 2014 at 5:05 PM

    I’m 32. I’ve just crossed 20 years of this. It’s an overwhelming number and I don’t know what to do with it. I have done everything. Literally everything. I’ve gotta live with it now. How?

  • Blake

    September 2nd, 2014 at 10:08 PM

    I’ve been depressed for maybe 7-10 years. I’m only 18, but age I feel shouldn’t be an excuse others tell you “you have so much to live for!”. Been to psych wards, take meds, see multiple docs (psychologists/therapists). But honestly…the only things that have helped in the past and still help is burning and drugs. I want to stop, I want to be free, but most of me has given up. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m haunted by my memories and thoughts and I can’t escape without damaging my brain cells or making scars. I need help. Help that can give me a boost. I get that I have to figure it out for myself, I’ve accepted that. But everything I do either doesn’t work, isn’t legal, or is a bad idea all together. Please…I don’t know any one of you, but I’m really trying. I don’t want to be like this anymore.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    September 3rd, 2014 at 10:56 AM

    Thank you for your comment, Blake. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • JJ

    September 3rd, 2014 at 4:31 AM

    Do not want to post too much about my situation but let’s just say it is bad. Severe depression, home a lot, unable to work, lost family and friends. I, too, wish for a way out, but no idea how this would be done and no courage. Too much said.

  • holly

    September 4th, 2014 at 9:25 PM

    I do not know how to contact you via a facebook group. Never really been a Facebook fan or user so I don’t know how it’s done. Please let me know any suggestions. I have become very homebound as well. With the depression has come anxiety and with that has come agoraphobia. Would really like to talk to you because it sounds like you are doing badly and I know I am doing really badly.

  • JJ

    September 3rd, 2014 at 4:36 AM

    I believe support can be very helpful. There is nothing in this world like knowing you are not alone. I would not wish this disease on anyone but since we already have it, we need support.
    I have a particularly bad case of it and it is hard to get through each day. I had to stop working a long time ago, rarely go out, and have lost friends and family. There is stigma, lack of understanding … all of these things make it much worse.
    If anyone has any ideas about a group, please share.
    Thank you for responding. I came back thinking no one would but you have. Let’s help one another.

  • JJ

    September 3rd, 2014 at 4:40 AM

    Sorry for so many posts. No edit function, I just found out. I will add: I suffer from severe major depression. Used to come in ’bouts’ and I would have free periods for most of the 30 years I have suffered.
    However, the last two years have been gruesome and I have been homebound, in bed a lot and find it difficult to function and do the most basic things. All doctors have given up on me because nothing works.

    I wanted to say to Holly and All who are reading and interested in a support group … please, please, lend me ideas you may have.

    My prayers go out to all. This disease is the pits. Have heard people who have had cancer and a version of depression who say the depression was worse.

    Thanks for reading. I will be back to read.

  • Annie

    September 3rd, 2014 at 10:26 AM

    I am a sufferer for 30 long years and I would like to be in touch with anyone who suffers from severe major depression and/or bipolar who does not respond to anything… and who cannot work, who has lost all family and friends due to this horrific illness.
    I have tried everything and I am looking for support for a long, long time.
    This is the first time I have come across a site where there are people in the same situation who are in so much pain they can no longer stand to live. I get that.
    We need to help and support each other. There is so much isolation .. first the society stigmatizes us, then our families and friends … and we finally isolate ourselves.
    It is a lonely and difficult road we travel … maybe we can lend each other some support.

  • holly

    September 3rd, 2014 at 2:17 PM

    Annie – I would love to be able to contact you. I feel exactly the same.

  • Caroline

    September 3rd, 2014 at 3:39 PM

    I know how you feel Anna ,I am in the same place,I have had depression most of my life but only realized about 5 years ago, everyone just thinks I’m rude and weird, now I have addiction problems and went into rehab in January. I get no support from anyone ,no one understands and it’s a very lonely place.

  • Elle W.

    September 11th, 2014 at 11:39 AM

    OmG Im dealing with the same thing right now I’ve been diagnosed with a couple disabilities Ie bipolar ocd manic depressive borderline personality disorder with psychotic features and paranoia. I feel like nobody understands they keep changing my meds and none of them work. at one point I was on like 7 different meds now she only have me on one which I haven’t started yet I just got it today but this is the hardest thing in the world to deal with. no one could ever understand unless there goin thru it we need more support groups better psychiatrist better therapist instead of going off the textbook version. They need to take heed to the patient thatS sitting in front of them not the book that there reading. I’m sorry I didn’t mean to write all this but I just want you to know I truly understand. IM GOING THROUGH IT RIGHT NOW.

  • JJ

    September 4th, 2014 at 1:35 AM

    Hi Again:
    I am so sorry for all the pain here. Suffering for 35 years with severe major depression. The last 2 years there has been no break at all. Am in bed a lot, cannot function much, cannot go to work, lost all my friends and family.
    I, too, wish it were the end. Does anyone feel isolated and abandoned by all? Tried everything and nothing works … even ECT and newest treatments.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    September 4th, 2014 at 10:14 AM

    Thank you for your comment, JJ. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Brett R

    September 4th, 2014 at 8:43 AM

    we have a son who is paralyzed and has physicalogical problems. We had to comment him and he has an court order to have a month of therapy and a year of residencial living. we can’t seemto get any help

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    September 4th, 2014 at 9:40 AM

    If you would like to consult with mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage, https://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area. If you’re looking for a counselor that practices a specific type of therapy, or who deals with specific concerns, you can make an advanced search by clicking here: https://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html

    Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

  • GT Support

    September 4th, 2014 at 4:57 PM

    Thanks to you all for your contributions to the conversation here. We wanted to chime in and acknowledge that there have been several requests to post contact information here to facilitate taking this conversation to a more private forum.

    Our policy has been not to publish contact information in blog comments. There are several reasons for this. The primary issue is that publishing an email address or phone number in such a public way can allow spammers, scrapers, and bots to obtain the information and use it inappropriately. It is unfortunate that we need to be concerned about this but it is a necessary consideration for a public online forum such as a blog.

    We certainly do not want to stifle conversation, but we also don’t want to put commenters’ privacy at risk. It has been suggested here that a private Facebook group could be created to continue the conversation. If this is something any of you would like to do, we can absolutely approve comments including information about where to find the group.

    Another possible way to connect with other people going through similar experiences would be to contact a therapist in your area who offers group therapy. Using our advanced search, you can specify your location and “Group Therapy” as the “Type of Service.” This should bring up a list of nearby therapists who facilitate support groups. Even if these folks do not have a group that is appropriate for you, they may have some suggestions for other relevant local resources.

    Thank you again for all of your thoughtful and heartfelt comments.

  • JJ

    September 5th, 2014 at 11:02 AM

    Hi Holly:
    I would very much like to speak with you and anyone else who is interested. I tried to start a group on Facebook today, and I just don’t have the technical skills to do it. We cannot share email addresses on here, but perhaps there is some other way, like joining an online support group using a similar name that we could identify.
    Again, I don’t know IF we are allowed to even post a link to a support group and I don’t have one in mind.
    Good therapy does not seem to have a support group.

    I am asking ANYONE OUT THERE who can help, or who is interested to please, please, please lend a hand.

    I do understand that depression, in itself, makes us “not” want to be in such a group, but alone is so much worse for me.
    I am doing very badly and am just trying to get through this life as best I can. It is very hard to post the details of my life here.

    I wish the site moderator could help us with some ideas other than “going to the same therapy group”, which is highly unlikely as we live all over the Country and world, etc. And, in my case, I am not interested in a group. I have a therapist who can no longer help me. What is left is to support each other or to go it alone; going it alone is hell. A living nightmare. I am bedbound very frequently.

    This is all so hard to write so publicly. For so many years I have thought I must be the only one who has responded to nothing (and I do mean nothing, not just drugs … have tried it all). But, from many of the posts here, I do see that some are this bad.

    I implore anyone who can help us to please help. You may be saving lives in doing this.

    Thank you.

  • holly

    September 5th, 2014 at 5:10 PM

    JJ – you probably received an email from goodtherapy.org today. I did. You would need to respond to it and tell them its OK to share your email address with me. That way we can get in touch with one another.

  • Mardiha

    October 1st, 2019 at 3:29 PM

    JJ, I know your post is very old just wondering if a group was ever started for more personal chats with each other. I think that would have been an awesome idea. I am in the same boat as you and don’t want to go out to group therapy..been there done that. Also, many of the groups I have been to, I can see many don’t really understand my depression and can’t relate, a lot of them I believe have situational depression, many on here are exactly like me and I would love to chat with them for giving support and getting support. If you get this I would like to connect with you also …as I am in the same boat. I hope you found healing over the years as your post is pretty old.

  • Melissa

    September 6th, 2014 at 7:04 PM

    I do not know what to do. I’m so depressed. It has such a hold on me that I cannot think of anything happy.
    I’m barely functioning. It’s hard to get out of my bed in the morning. My brain thinks doom and gloom so much that I don’t enjoy anything. All I do is sit around on the couch and be angry at my life for having this problem.
    I take meds but I think they are not working. I’m so desperate for help. I hate feeling so bad. It is such an excruciating pain and hurts extremely bad.

  • GoodTherapy.org Support

    September 7th, 2014 at 11:14 AM

    Thank you for your comment, Melissa. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Annie

    September 7th, 2014 at 2:46 AM

    Hi Holly:
    Just wanted to let you know that I received an email from goodtherapy.org and gave permission to them to give you my email address. I await your email address now. Let me know if you are interested in communicating with me.

  • holly

    September 7th, 2014 at 3:05 PM

    Yes, I gave permission as well. I will await your email and I will contact you.

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT

    September 7th, 2014 at 6:01 PM

    Hi All,

    I am the author of the article and a psychotherapist. I think it’s a great idea to have an online support group. I’m guessing Goodtherapy.org doesn’t have a way of doing this, or they would have offered that. If someone finds a way and you think I can be helpful, please let me know.

    Cynthia Lubow, MFT

  • Al Jones

    October 2nd, 2019 at 8:35 AM

    Amy, … and I’m not sure why I’m replying to Diana apparently when I chose to reply to the author of this article …
    I have a forum at chronicsuicidesupport.com where the members talk about many of the symptoms and experiences of the folks here. No psych’s just other people who feel the same way for many of the same reasons.
    (( Amy, if you see this, please feel free to come visit al (aka Dragon aka Administrator of CSS) ))

  • Annie

    September 8th, 2014 at 3:47 AM

    Hi Holly:
    I have not gotten your email address yet. Perhaps because it is the weekend. If you don’t get mine, contact good therapy and give permission and let me know.
    May I ask what you are suffering from, for how long, and just briefly what your story is. Mine is abov

    To Everyone: One thing that might help someone here.
    I found out a couple of years ago that I have a genetic defect on the MTHFR gene. Long story short, it explains why I do not respond to anti-depressants.
    Apparently my body does not process serotonin. So, they tried me on Deplin so that my body would do this.
    It works so many, but did not work for me. Just throwing this out there, as if you have a blood test for this MTHFR genetic defect and you have it, you may have a response to the Deplin.

  • Annie

    September 8th, 2014 at 3:48 AM

    One more thing: I will be checking my spam folder for email from you and you might do the same. Please put in subject line Holly from … so I know who it is.

  • holly

    September 8th, 2014 at 4:40 PM

    I responded to you today.

  • Moira

    September 8th, 2014 at 9:45 PM

    I am in my late 30’s. Growing-up I thought I just had a melancholic personality, which I realized in a school conducted activity when I was 14 yrs old. Even when I was a child I was always the pessimistic one, and I thought it was matter of perspective and that it was something I should work on and change.

    It was a year after my thyroidectomy 10 years ago when I started to feel like life would never be happy again, and I didn’t understand why. I would tell my friends and family that I was depressed but they would take it to mean that I was just feeling sad, since the word depressed is so loosely used nowadays. When the “sadness” however did not dissipate, I just lived with it for years thinking I just had a poor outlook in life. It was 6 years down the line when I decided to look up whether hypothyroidism could cause depression and it was possible. I visited my doctor and got medications to ensure my blood chemistry was within normal range. In spite of regularly taking the meds, the depression stayed on.

    Around that time, I felt that my family thought I had taken too many clinical depression online tests and have self-diagnosed myself as such. They would tell me to get over it, fight it and aim for a more optimistic view in life as happiness is a choice a person should always consciously make. (I believe for many it may be but it does not apply to everyone and me).

    For so many years I could count with my fingers on both hands the few days in a year I would feel happy, and never really understand why people loved life. Everyday I felt like this big black hole loomed before me and I could not see a happy future for myself. I just could not shake the feeling off or rise above it no matter how hard I tried. I started to lose focus at work and interest in other things. No matter how hard I tried and I felt like I wasn’t accomplishing enough. I felt that for most areas of my life I was a failure, but could never get the strength and will power to veer my life through another course.

    In spite of what I had mentioned above, I do come from a very loving family. However, depression and mental health concerns are not yet widely understood in the society I move in, and there is a sort of stigma when people hear you are seeing a psychiatrist or taking medication.

    My depression and anxiety have become worse the past year, heightened with all of life’s other trials I am experiencing. I get panic attacks and have had thoughts of quitting life. Mornings are the hardest when I realize there is a new day to face and how to muster up the courage to cope through the day. I am unable to function normally lately. I sleep longer hours to escape these feelings and have alienated myself. It doesn’t help that I am extremely introverted and only have handful of friends who could help.

    I have decided to seek help and go to a monthly counselling. It has made a slight difference in my outlook, but of course has not taken the depression away. Unfortunately there are still no support groups where I am at. But for now I look forward to counselling.

    It pains me that so many people are going through this. It does, in a way, bring a level of comfort that we are not going through this alone and there are people who understand.

    Thanks, Cynthia for your article.

  • paul

    September 12th, 2014 at 7:02 PM

    You need to look into getting on natural dessicated thyroid like Armour or Naturethroid, or adding t3 (cytomel) to your synthroid (levothyroxine _ t4). You are what i like to call metaboliclly depressed. Conventional doctors will rob you of your life through their ignorance and arrogance. Please go to stopthethyroidmadness.com for great info. :-)

  • kim

    September 17th, 2014 at 9:45 AM

    I related so much to what you were describing. I particuraly feel horrible in the morning( its all a relative horrible). I often wake and begin dressing the dawn.I take medicine, go to therapy and am a mastered prepared nurse who should have recourses available to help myself. Despite this, I have failed at feeling better, though the circumstances going on in my life make that almost impossible. I hope you are able to obtain some relief. I care about you.

  • kim

    September 17th, 2014 at 9:47 AM

    I meant “dread” the morning, not dress.

  • Jules

    September 18th, 2014 at 12:51 PM

    Hi Moira,
    I understood and felt almost every word you wrote. I feel mich the same as you do….and I have blocked out my youth in terms of how I have softed through life. I will be 48 next month and I often question if I can take feeling this way for the rest of my life.
    I too am in therapy. I started two years ago on and off (more on than off) and just recently started with a new therapist. It does help but the dark fog is around me most days.
    Have you found a support group to talk to? I would really like to particiapte. It really does help knowing I am not alone. I have no one to share my thoughts with who truly understands me. My husband tries but I know he doesnt understand…he just tries his best to support me however he can.
    I would love to hear from you.
    Ps. I was about to add my email address in this msg but I know its not always safe to do so.

  • Roberto

    September 13th, 2014 at 11:52 AM

    Oh my, I read the article and the posts and I relate 100% . The only difference is in my twenties and up to 9 months ago, I’m 37, I have been addicted to every drug in the book and alcohol which is a depressant by the way and made me worse. Since I was a young boy I’ve always felt sadness, anxiety, and very introverted and attached to my mother. I take an anti depressant now and anti anxiety meds but they don’t work. I’ve been getting worse I literally lay in bed 22 hours a day, can’t get up, don’t want to do anything and my family is tired of my “behavior”. They all think I can muster up motivation , energy and decide to be happy… We argue alot and I am very suicidal. Mornings are awful bc the entire day and night are in front of me. When I do go out I am very frustrated, irritable, aggravated and don’t ever want to be where I am. No patience. My MDD physically hurts my abdominal area due to racing thoughts and incessant depression. I’m giving myself one last chance to stabilize my depression. I’m way too tired of this. It’s been 30+ years. I will not return to substance abuse.. I lost interest in drugs and alcohol. That’s where I’m at. Pray for me brothers and sisters. Regards. RT

  • Chris

    September 15th, 2014 at 1:02 PM


    I totally feel you. I don’t have the same history nor exact symptoms, but I often feel so close to how you feel.

    Maybe God will save us from this disease, or at least forgive us.

  • Lucy

    September 14th, 2014 at 6:40 AM

    Hi everyone, I’ve read most of your comments with much interest I am taking anti depressants and have a diagnosis of depression. Could I sujest and I would be very happy to help those who are looking to contact one another via email and such could use twitter to do so I have a twitter page under hurfbird and anyone is more than welcome to use my page to share email, comments stories. I’ve been looking to set up a webpage for this sort of thing find me on twitter and if I can help I will sending good thoughts to all x

  • Chris

    September 15th, 2014 at 1:10 PM

    Hi Lucy

    I would be very interested in your support group also. I am not sure if it will be of help, but maybe.

    Can you write me please?

  • JJ

    September 15th, 2014 at 5:08 AM

    Hi Lucy:
    I would be VERY interested in support via your webpage, but how do I get to it? Can you post a link and explain to those who are not computer savvy how to get on twitter?
    Is the purpose for support for those who do not respond to meds? or what exactly. I will be back to see your reply.
    Thank you.

  • Moira

    September 15th, 2014 at 11:48 PM

    Hi Paul,

    Thanks a lot for your suggestion. I will look into the website.

  • Kit

    September 17th, 2014 at 8:36 AM

    I am 76 years old, have been depressed all my life, started treatment when I was in my forties after a traumatic divorce. I’ve had treatment (psychotherapy and meds) since 1984 and from 1988 until 2012 I was pretty much holding my own for the most part. Since the fall of 2012 I had a 4 month experience of catatonic depression (didn’t talk and don’t remember what was happening). Then I got 14 ECT (shock) treatments that got me out of the catatonic state but was still very depressed. I continued on medication but since it wasn’t working I received TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) treatments. That worked for about 4 months but my deep depression came back. I immediately told my psychiatrist and we tried the TMS again but it didn’t work. I’ve continued with many different meds and psychotherapy but am still very depressed, have lost faith in treatment for me, and am extremely suicidal. My family loves me and supports me but no one including myself knows how to treat this illness. Let me tell you this is no way to spend your golden years.

  • Carly

    September 17th, 2014 at 1:42 PM

    I’ve struggled with depression for 10+years. I’m 31 and tried lots of medication. I have come to realise that the depression I have is uncureable. My psychiatrist wants to go back to antidepressants I’ve already been on. I have insomnia. I hoped my depression would allow me to sleep for days at a time but I’m lucky if I get 4 hours each night. I don’t know if I can live the rest of my life like this. I spend a lot of time alone and I have waves of feeling suicidal. Some of my family members say I should be doing more and get a job. Because suddenly routine will cure this depression. This great sadness never leaves. I just can’t be happy. I feel so lost and trapped. Depression is so cruel.

  • Kon

    September 23rd, 2014 at 11:28 AM

    I am an 18 years old young girl and I decided to seek help earlier this year because I couldn’t stand anymore how I was feeling at the time. I have been seeing a psychotherapist for 9 months who told me it was necessary to visit a psychiatrist too, so I did. Then, I was finally diagnosed with major depressive disorder (although the symptoms of atypical depression may refer more to mine) and borderline personality disorder. According to my therapist I’ve been suffering from depression since I was 8 years old when my “father” left me one year after my parents’ divorce and she says that I’ve been experiencing the same feelings repeatedly, every time something bad happened/happens in my life and that’s why I’ve been so afraid of rejection and abandonment. Especially for the past 2,5 years, my symptoms got a lot worse because of the problems I had with my family (esp. my mom), my bestfriends and later with my boyfriend. I could never had imagined before that I have been depressed since I was a child, I only thought that I started FEELING depressed at the age of 16. I’ve been seeing my psychiatrist for the last 7 months and have been on Zoloft antidepressants for 6 months. Mentally, I still have many ups and downs, it’s like I’m a damn roller coaster and I can burst out crying out of nowhere quite easily, usually because I bring to my mind memories of the past. The good thing is that now I don’t feel sad, blue, desperate etc most of the time, although I’m not entirely happy either and my self-esteem is not that high yet (well, it seems I have to be more patient). The antidepressants started working after a couple months and the truth is that I did harm myself a few times since I started taking them. Physically, the first two months, I had lots of nightmares and there are times I still feel tired. From the end of July till September, I was really stressed out. I guess that’s why I was seeing nightmares almost every night and I have had problems with my sleeping schedule. I just hope that everything will get better in time!

  • Man S.

    September 24th, 2014 at 3:46 AM

    My dream retirement would be no bills, no worries and good health.

  • lost

    September 28th, 2014 at 1:00 PM

    I have been depressed for 3 years now hoping that just one night I would die reading some ove the articles I cant live for the rest ove my life like this I cant carry on noing it never gets better

  • Raggar

    October 1st, 2014 at 1:59 AM

    Paige, if you are still following this thread, I thought you should know that I was very moved by your comments. I’m in my early 40s and I too have struggled with depression since my 30s. In my darkest hours I thought I may be better off dead, but the sense of guilt and shame that I would feel, even in death, creating such a deep void that was once filled by the many people that love me – that sense of guilt and shame would far outweigh suicide. There has always been a flicker of hope, albeit faint at times.

    Believe that you’re bound for greatness. And if that seems too narcissistic for you, then at least believe you’re bound for something better. I know how difficult it is to listen to the advice of others that want to help you. I know how hard it is to get out of bed in the morning, and to force yourself to do the most essential things to surviving the day.

    I felt ashamed and too proud to ask for help, but when I realized that I could not do this on my own, I accepted whatever help was offered to me. And I wasn’t afraid to ask for help. Talk to your neighbor, or someone closeby that you can see on short notice. If you’re not eating well, invite yourself over for meals. People want to help. I truly believe that is the essence of the universe – people helping people.

    Do something each day to get yourself outside. Even if it is only a walk around the block. Call up a friend and go see a movie. Get a massage. Whatever it is that you enjoy doing, think about it, write it down on a sticky note, post it on your bathroom mirror, get up the next morning, go straight to the bathroom, wash your face and read the sticky note. Then do it. Commit to this for at least 12 days and I promise you will see a difference.

    You are loved by many, but you have to love yourself first. You have to commit to loving yourself enough to do this because no one else will do this for you.

    Even though you may not feel strong, your mind is playing tricks on you. You have the strength within you to do this. So many times I would tell myself “I don’t feel like it”, waiting for some kind of motivation to strike me. But without taking some kind of action, I can honestly say based on experience that motivation will never just magically appear. Sometimes you just have to force yourself. You can think about it for hours or days. It won’t change the fact that you’re still feeling miserable and have lost time in worrying that could otherwise have been used healing yourself. From the time that a positive thought enters your mind, follow it up with action within five seconds. Wait any longer and the feeling may pass. When you realize this, you’ll laugh at the countless hours, days, weeks, months, or even years you spent worrying about something that only takes five seconds to initiate! I was inspired by the five second rule from a Ted Talk by Mel Robbins and I can personally attest to the fact that this is true. Watch it at youtube.com/watch?v=Lp7E973zozc&index=1&list=LLeyYuoKl6SEvW0ORNKf32wg

    The universe wants you to succeed. The universe wants all of us to succeed. That is the essence of life. Go and reclaim your life. Everyday write down three things you’re grateful for. Read your list each day, each week and each month thereafter. Soon you’ll have built a treasure chest of a life filled with joy and when times are tough you can reach into that chest and pull out one of those treasures. It doesn’t cost anything to do this, and you have nothing to lose by trying. But trust me – you have so much to gain!

  • CP

    October 14th, 2014 at 11:16 PM

    Raggar, what wonderful words of advice. My son suffers from depression, and i have just shared some of your wisdom with him. Thank you for sharing. I am so thankful. I hope others on this page find strength and comfort. Please do not give up. My heart aches for you. I know first hand how traumatic it can be. You are worthy, and unique and special. I hope and pray that you can know this and never ever give up.

  • Kate

    December 2nd, 2014 at 7:34 AM


    I’m in complete agreement. Practicing gratefulness, praying daily and positive affirmations have helped me tremendously. I still struggle with depression but it’s not constant anymore. I also journal and reach out to my family and friends quite a bit.


  • Tara

    October 2nd, 2014 at 11:11 AM

    I have had severe depression for over 12 years. I’m not really sure where to start.
    First of all I was adopted into a family that favored my sister over me at the age of 12. Before that I was in Foster homes and was sexually assaulted. My biological mother was murdered when I was 15. My biological father decided to keep my older sister as a babysitter and gave up my other sister and I. I ended up pregnant at 17 and married. Divorced by the time I was 18. Met a guy that my adopted parents did not like when my daughter was 18 months. Ended up marrying him and am still married. My sister that was adopted with me had depression issues stemming back from when she was in high school. She tried several times to kill herself over the years. Fast forward to 4 years ago. My adopted dad died suddenly and then my biological dad was in a motorcycle wreck and died instantly. Then my adopted mother had a sudden onsight of dementia and Alzheimer’s. Within the year she was dead. So, everyone I have ever called mom or dad have gone away.
    My husband and I and our kids relocated to Florida from Illinois. (I wasn’t close to my sister and all my family was gone). My sister started doing some really strange things and ended up in and out of jail. Each time she tried to kill herself. Finally she was successful and ended up killing herself. A week later my 17 year old gets stressed out and takes a handful of pills and ends up in the behavior hospital for four days. She had been seeing her psychologists and psychiatric doctors regularly. And on meds. Until she decided she doesn’t need them anymore. (Because according to her dad “we are the Cr……s and we are solid and don’t need any help)
    Then that leaves me alone with only my husband and 4 kids. I have been getting worse and worse over the past year. My husband does not physically abuse me but he does verbally abuse me and my older 2 children (fathered by him) think that is the way you should treat me. I finally ended up having a nervous breakdown and committed myself to the hospital two weeks ago. After staying for four days ( not one visit from anyone) I was discharged. I came home with increased meds and a hopeful outlook.
    My husband still has not told me once that he loves me.(it’s been 4 weeks and we used to say it and text it every time we talked), my two older children hate me and don’t understand why I could have just left and gone to the hospital. They don’t know why I broke down. I have tried to explain, but they don’t listen.
    My two kids won’t talk to me period. My oldest flew from Illinois ( for two days) to see me because she was so worried about me. My husband still won’t talk to me and I’m not allowed to drive my youngest around because “I might have an episode ”
    What am I supposed to do? I have a dr appointment with my psychologist in two weeks.
    Is this marriage over? Why do my kids hate me? Help

  • angie

    November 6th, 2014 at 8:04 AM

    I am sitting in my car reading your life and I just broke down and cried. To begin with my dad has been a functional alcoholic all my life and verbally abuse to my sisters, my mom and I. From young age I would see him beat on my mom. I often wondered why she didn’t just leave him. When I was around 13 my aunts boy friend would touch me. Years later I told my mom all she said was he’s a differant person now. Wow! After a while I started resenting them (mother and father)both,I tried to run away several times. I also tried to kill myself a few times. I remember one time I tried and was angry I woke up. I had my first child at 17 with my abusive boy. I thought if he hit me that means he loved me. My son ended up having autism. I thought it was something I didn’t. From then on I became a functional depressed teen. Fast forward I am now 39 years old with three children married (not to my first child’s dad) all these years functional depressed. In the past year I haven’t wanted go any where or do anything but stay inside. If I do go out its to go to the store. When I wake up in the morning I stare at the ceiling wondering why am I here. Then I get up to get my kids ready for school all the while feeling empty. I love my husband and kids if I didn’t have them I would give up. Truth is I don’t remember being happy. I don’t know what it feels like. I smile from something my kids or husband do, but shortly after I am depressed again. I feel like I am existing not living. I often asked God why am I here? What is your plan for me? I feel so alone with a house full of people. I don’t go to family gathering I let my kids and husband go instead. I am sorry if I am just ramblings this is the first time I was able to speak freely with being judged.

  • JJ

    October 10th, 2014 at 9:40 AM

    For some, there is no cure. Some have severe depression and have tried everything and nothing has worked .. nothing.

    Do you not think that if taking a walk or exercising could do it, we would not have already done that. We are not lazy. We are ill. If we had terminal cancer, we would not be asked to cure our cancer.

    Depression for some cannot be cured. I have tried it all for over 30 years, have been told how strong and brave I am. Well my bravery is withering. The last few years have been a daily living nightmare with no breaks, no period of remission and no end in sight.
    It is not that we are treatment-reistent; it is that science has not yet caught up with those of us who have not responded to all modes of treatment.
    I have spoken to people who have had less severe depression than I have and who have also suffered cancer and they have said that cancer was less hard.
    Until we understand that depression is an illness of the brain, which is NOT under the mind’s control, if it is truly severe, we are not understanding it at all.
    To those that do respond to meds, ECT, TMS, and various therapeutic modes or to those who can exercise and feel better, count yourself as one who is blessed.
    Some on here have said they would like to have a support network. I have tried to set one up and, so far, have been unsuccessful. I know that there are people who know how to set up blogs or sites for this. I am not that computer literate. We, few, who are suffering need not do it alone … please if you know of any way to post a support site for us do so.
    The moderators on this site have been very patient and kind, and I am grateful. If you are interested in this, please say so so that we all have some idea who is interested. I have seen a few other than myself who have professed interest in having contact with others in this difficult boat.

    Thank you for reading.

  • Ghost

    October 10th, 2014 at 10:33 AM

    This whole “go get help” thing is nothing but a lie. They push you from one place to another. Each place gives you another list of other people to go to. I am considered a “complex” case, so they just push me around retraumatizing me. I won’t tell my story – it doesn’t matter. There is no help, society is just lying because no one can face the truth. It’s called COMMUNITY RETRAUMATIZATION. And it will continue until the end of time. I wish they would stop with the lies – everyone is only making it worse. It’s also called “make crazy.” If you care about someone who is depressed, don’t push them off to “the community.” They will polish you off to a level of depression and despair you couldn’t even imagine until everyone convinced you to “get help.” What a travesty!


  • Maria

    October 16th, 2014 at 6:25 AM

    The title of the article is “when depression CANT be cured so I don’t understand people like Raggar saying to get help. I think most here are TRD, right? and they have gotten help and tried it all. so it is hurtful when people say “go get help” to those people. Im one of the ones that tried everything and he title applies to me. and it hurts when people say ‘try harder’, ‘never give up hope’, whatever!!!
    so done.

  • Nicole

    October 19th, 2014 at 7:16 AM

    For about 28 years, I’ve felt no real joy, or sense of purpose. I’m tired of it. I always feel alone, even in a crowd of folks. Death lingers on my mind constantly..

  • Michael

    October 23rd, 2014 at 10:50 AM

    I am twenty-six years old, male, and have been dealing with depression for more than half of my life. I went from a happy kid to someone whose depression has consumed me very quickly after the first time I had someone bully me when I was twelve. At the same time, my mother started to lose her mind and become extremely miserable and smoked to the point of disability, and I started working a year later.
    I have tried everything that wasn’t medicine. Nothing works but writing. It’s my passion, my calling, what has kept me alive all of these long, agonizing years. I do what I can to numb my emotions, try to focus on the end of the day when sleep takes me away from the chaos, and pray for nightmares so I can get the most amazing ideas for my books. It’s pretty much all I live for.

    Here is what works for dealing with depression. Don’t turn to any type of substance, including cigarettes, beer, porn, or over-eating. Listen to music. Live your passion, even if you think it’s all hopeless. Stay hydrated. Drink tea. Keep a manageable todo list. Don’t beat yourself up over a bad day. Tomorrow might be ever so slightly better.
    Depression for people like me will never, ever go away, but I do what I can to keep going. To die is to lose. To give up is to prove the haters wrong. Live life your way, as long as you don’t hurt anyone, including yourself. We are all unique, just like everyone else, so be you, and ignore the haters.

    I’m just a normal guy who loves to write, but I’m always up for a chat about anything and everything.

  • GoodTherapy.org Support

    October 23rd, 2014 at 2:23 PM

    Hi, Michael. Thanks for sharing your experiences here. We want to encourage you to continue talking about your experiences with mental health issues and therapy with a wider audience via the Share Your Story feature on our blog. Writing your story, like you’ve expressed, may be healing for you and encouraging to others. Learn more and submit a piece for review here:https://www.goodtherapy.org/submit-your-story.html

  • Thomas

    October 27th, 2014 at 9:50 AM

    Thank you, Michael. I liked what you said. And thank you to the author of this article for starting such a good conversation. Take care everyone.

  • mayday

    October 23rd, 2014 at 4:20 PM

    To Ghost(#283)and Maria(#285)…

    Truer words were never written. Thank you for the validation. Ignorance kills.

  • LB

    October 27th, 2014 at 8:32 AM

    Let’s face it folks….sometimes it just doesn’t go away…it ruins your life. I’m 54 years old and have suffered from this curse as far back as I can remember…my first acute attacks hitting me in the 5th and 6th grades. Smaller attacks came earlier. I live this way and I will die this way. Nothing touches my depression and fear. Hiding and deep hopelessness is my cursed life. I wish everyone success in their treatments for this type of thing and for anything that ails them. May the bad become good and the good become better.

  • Greer

    October 27th, 2014 at 12:07 PM

    I have a question. What do you all do to pass each day. I wait for sleep. Sleep comes with nightmares. I awaken with my heart pounding and pounding. I cant function, leave the house, or leave the bed. We are all writing here and yet we are alone and soon they will close these comments.
    Has anyone lost every single person in the world? I lost my family, my kids, my friends. I’m not kidding.I don’t know how to end it all and I think if I did I don’t have the guts. Its 40 years here. 40! So if I haven’t done anything by now, my only hope is to die young. Got lots of longevity in my family. Happy for them. For me its a curse. I graduated with honors, was going to grad school and this hit. Nothing works. Nothing. Tried it all. I wish there were just one person I could talk to … talk to who has this. Someone to talk to once a day even .. once a week. Anything to keep me going. Please if anyone wants to talk to me, I will talk to you. I can’t do it alone. I seen here that people can write the moderators and request and email. Request mine. At least we can talk. The loneliness is now getting worse than the depression if that is even possible?? I can’t be the only one.I have not lost my ability to care and to love. Not yet. I don’t want to lose that, too. Please, somebody. Please!!!! Facebook? Is that possible? I’m desperate and I hate this, but I am STILL ME.

  • Doug

    November 1st, 2014 at 3:43 PM

    I know exactly how you feel Greer, I’m 53 and have suffered from MDD for as long as I can remember. I’ve suffered from addiction as a result. Its cost me a marriage and I don’t have much of a relationship with either of my children, a 15 yr old son and 19 yr old daughter.

  • Kevin

    November 1st, 2014 at 5:14 PM

    I completely understand you position. Everything that haunts you haunts me as well. Lost family, friends, my home and all of my belongings, tools for work, and most recently my dog. I don’t trust people and it seems everytime I try to pick myself up and keep trying I keep getting knocked down again. I am tired. Have had depression for my entire life and I am now 45. Recent happenings with a relationship I had finally pushed me over the edge. Tried suicode but survived that. I do get out of the house everyday becUse it is even more depressing where I live. I have lost interest in dozens of things I used to love to do. Become so sensative to the world going in such a negative direction. Medications are not helping much. I just wanted to let you know that you are not the only one that has been through all those terrible things. I hope things get better for you.

  • Joni

    November 4th, 2014 at 4:06 PM

    This is in response to Greer. I am so sorry to hear you are feeling so alone. I honestly can’t say i know”exactly” how your feeling but pretty darn close. If you ever want to talk, I can’t say that I have some magic answer but i am a pretty good listener. I have suffered depression my whole life. I am older than you (48) when i was growing up you were told to “knock it off or they will give you something to be depressed about” it was also viewed very much as a weakness, which all of us plagued with this know that is absolutely not true!!! If I don’t hear from you I wish you all the best of luck and hope. But if you ever need to not be alone I am right here. Sincerely, Joni K.

  • Pattie

    November 5th, 2014 at 9:30 AM

    boy don’t I hear you! I’ve thought those same things. There must be someone who has what I do, who does or doesn’t do the things I do and can’t talk about. I don’t understand why I can’t do things or how I can lay in bed and not shower. Why is that so hard. This must be happening to someone who can understand. If you don’t have this, you’ll never understand. You will say just get up!
    So, no, your not alone.

  • Lonely today

    January 9th, 2015 at 12:00 PM

    When I googled to find this site what I had typed in was “how can I sit here all day and do nothing, not even get up in the morning and get myself ready or showered”. That’s the hardest part is my parents keep telling me that I’ll feel so much better if I just get up in the morning and get myself ready and it makes me feel so defeated and like such a loser that I can’t even do that much after eight years of trying. I would like to know how to get out of this rut I would like to be able to make myself get up and get ready and I just can’t seem to make myself do it. Every morning when I wake up I tell myself this is the day you’re going to get ready and I still don’t do it, I’m lucky if I shower once every three weeks. It’s so pathetic I don’t know why I can’t do it.

  • Kate

    December 2nd, 2014 at 7:26 AM

    Hi Greer,

    I too suffer from depression and it’s cost me so much over the years.

  • Hendrix

    October 29th, 2014 at 3:03 PM

    Please read this … very important:


  • Pattie

    November 5th, 2014 at 9:19 AM

    my marriage of 30 years didn’t survive. It didn’t because I set my husband free.
    It was as if my depression was his burden even though he traveled and was only home a few days a month.
    Taking care of his needs kept me alive more than I knew.
    But being alone and having the freedom not to be judged, is better.
    It’s scary for someone like me, so isolated, just the way we like it.
    I’ve seen a decline I never dreamed possible, not in me anyway.
    It scares me.
    I have all I want or need. But I’m noticing more than just decline in depression, I’m seeing things that could
    Get me to loose my liberty. I’m loosing it.
    I need to hold on here. I’m getting disorganized, forgetting important things, if this keeps up it means I can’t run my life anymore.
    That means the phyc ward!
    And for me, that means time to go, time to end life.
    That means I have to put my dogs down first.
    I know if I go into a hospital I won’t come out.
    I know this. In there you have no rights or choices. I can’t allow that to ever happen to myself.
    I’ve been through enough in life.
    It’s my choice.

  • Em

    February 22nd, 2015 at 8:51 PM

    I hope you came through okay and that you also didn’t put your dogs down-it would be sad for them to be put down because you are struggling as they are innocent. I’m sorry you are struggling and I hope that you are able to find an intervention that works for you. I know how painful depression can be and the hopelessness that comes with it. Please know you are not alone in this struggle..

  • Greer

    November 6th, 2014 at 4:11 AM

    This is for Joni and Patti/posts #296 and #298. We cannot post my email on here for obvious reasons.

    If you will write to GoodTherapy.org/, and ask if they might be willing to send along your email addresses to me, I will gladly respond. Anyone else who is interested in emailing, please do the same thing. We can hope.

    Thank you.

  • Greer

    November 6th, 2014 at 4:13 AM

    I meant to say we cannot post OUR email addresses on here for reasons of privacy.

    I hope Good Therapy can help us out in this way and we can help each other.

    Thanks again.

  • Holly

    November 6th, 2014 at 5:03 AM

    I’m 20 years old and I have been depressed since I can remember. I was raised by my dad who passed away a year ago, but I feel just as depressed now as I did before his passing. I am currently taking medicine for a serotonin deficiency which is what my dr thinks is making me depressed but the medicine only worked when o first started taking it and only worked sometimes. I’ve been on it less than 6 months. I’ve been in a relationship over 3 years and I feel like I am toxic on my relationship because of my depression. He is very understanding but it’s hard for him to really understand when he doesn’t go through it. Idk what I’m supposed to do? Except that I’m just always going to be depressed, try a new med? ? Lost

  • dhvanit

    November 8th, 2014 at 6:19 AM

    hi guys
    i am 18 and i am depressed from past 3 years but from last 6 moths i found my self severely depressed.
    i have also self tested online and each site suggested me to meet doctor as early as possible.but that cant be done without knowing of my parants.and i dont want them to know my condition as they will be in lot tension and worry.
    i just want to add that online doctors have found all the symptons majorly in me.
    please please help me.
    thank you.

  • brooke

    November 8th, 2014 at 3:57 PM

    I am 24 and I have been depressed for as long as I can remember. I don’t want to get into my story there’s too much to disclose. But I want to be heard, I have no one to talk to, absolutely no one, I never have. I want to scream at the top of my lungs someone help me! No ones there. No one is ever there. Every time I’ve reached out for help I’ve taken five steps back. Medicine doesn’t work, natural medicine doesn’t work, therapy hasnt worked,iI am losing my will to live my will to keep going. I don’t know what to do. I am so discouraged. I don’t want to be this way. I am envious of the people who can live their lives with ease, who can laugh and smile and mean it. The pain is consuming me, the fear, the anger, the flashbacks, its paralyzing. Be strong keep going survive. I’m tired. I’m exhausted. I’m depleted. I want peace. I want to be able to relax. My anxiety has become second nature to me. I want to live. I want to thrive I’m tired of surviving. But the hope and the faith in this ever happening is fading away faster than it has before and I am scared. I am scared because as of late I find the idea of dying welcoming. Please help me anybody I long for a cure I long to be “normal” I am stuck in the darkness I am all alone.

  • Nbw

    December 9th, 2015 at 7:44 AM

    I feel for your pain
    The answer is not external
    It’s in you and only you
    Support helps but you need to be the person who decides you have to challenge yourself to try new things.
    Go out. Join a support group.
    Take yoga classes to help with anxiety
    Join a walk group
    You have to start to heal your thoughts and your negativity
    It isn’t your fault because you get depressed
    But it still is your responsibility to have a life that feels good.
    Try a volunteer job. Go to the library seek out meetings or classes to learn something new
    Start to learn to eat healthy. Good food can make you feel much better than pills.
    Try to do one thing that makes you feel better each day. Even if it’s just getting up and showering or washing your hair. Or eating oatmeal on a cold winters day.
    You have to try to connect with people sometimes the best way is joining in things to help others. It gets you out if your own head.

    Fear is the root of depression that won’t go away. Ask yourself what you are afraid of. If it’s being alone try to meet others in a safe non judgement place. Yoga is so good for that. Volunteering. Deliver meals on wheels. Work at a soup kitchen or food bank. Help little kids learn something.
    Anything to get you back out into the real world. You need to NOT believe your worst thoughts. And live in the present as much as possible.
    Don’t compare yourself to others. It’s all VERY difficult I know. But it can help

  • Nbw

    December 9th, 2015 at 7:46 AM

    You need to get out and volunteer
    Find a way to use your energy positively not negatively
    Depression breeds more depression
    Action is the only thing that will mitigate anxiety
    I’m sorry I know it’s horrible to feel this way
    Somehow you have to find a way to save yourself and find the good out there. It is not hopeless just very difficult

  • julia

    November 9th, 2014 at 5:22 PM


    Part of your problem is that you’re 24. Your hormones are still making you crazy and you feel like everything must happen now, now, now! Listen to someone who at 47 has been through the ringer with depression, anxiety, impulsiveness, etc.and come out the other side. I used to be you. First of all, believe me, there is some combination of things that will work for you. There is no one who is so messed up that things won’t at least improve significantly. But they won’t improve over night, and they won’t improve without a sustained effort on your part.

    I have no idea what you’ve been through. I can give you a brief trip through what I’ve overcome – physically and mentally abusive parents, brutal rape at 13 by my brother’s dealer, habitual runaway, drug addiction, commitment to juvenile detention center, emancipated minor and years of poverty and underemployment. What I thought I learned through this time was that hell is other people. What I realized was that due to the abuse that I suffered and my conviction that nothing would ever turn out well for me that I bewildered and frightened other people. They didn’t know what to make of me, and not having been through the things that I had, kept their distance.

    Let me tell you what make a big difference. I had no one to talk to either, and no money to pay for therapy. I was an emancipated minor at 17, all alone. I went to the public library and read through the entire psychology section. I figured out that I came from a family of narcissists and that I had been playing the scapegoat. I made a list of all the things I didn’t like about myself and the things I did, then decided what I could immediately go about changing. The first thing I wanted to change was my constant negativity. I did that through exercise, weight lifting and good nutrition. I found that the more I cared about taking care of myself and getting proper sleep the better I felt about myself. It was a start.

    The second thing I did was cleared my life of people who were a negative influence. I broke up with my boyfriend, I stopped talking to my family. If someone devalued me I warned them once and if they continued I cut them off. I began to develop hobbies, interests I had never pursued before. I realized that I loved writing and art and foreign films. I joined a book club to talk to people about what interested me. I took a good, clear look at my past and what part I played in the bad things and committed to not living in the past. I made peace with the mistakes I had made, the bad things I had done, and decided to do better in the future. Even if no one else seemed interested in who I was all about, I was determined that I at least would be there for myself.

    Though I had to start out in jobs that I disliked and that didn’t use my skills well, I committed to only taking work that would help me develop the skills I was interested in pursuing. Eventually I found people I could relate to more, work environments that better suited me. It probably took about ten years before I didn’t feel completely desperate. I looked at myself as a work in progress and didn’t let anyone devalue me the way that my family had in the past.

    You may be tired, you may want peace, but you don’t want to die, because that’s the end. So much of what you experience in life is colored by your outlook and right now you’re depressed, so it’s coloring everything black. It’s not black. You have to keep in mind when you look around and it seems that everyone else is happy – they’re not. Some are, some are pretending, some are acting “as if” in anticipation of the happiness they know they will find in the future. What will really make you happy is to build your own world. Develop hobbies you love, skills you enjoy, eat foods that are great, deal only with supportive people. Build resilience and confidence that doesn’t depend on other people’s opinions of you. Fall in love with a great person and get on with your life. Maybe a therapist can help you, maybe not. But you can help you – tell someone how you feel or keep a journal. Life can be enormous or it can be small – only you can decide.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    November 10th, 2014 at 9:41 AM

    Thanks to each of you for sharing your experiences here. This ongoing dialogue is heartwarming, and we encourage you to continue talking about your experiences with mental health issues and therapy with a wider audience via the Share Your Story feature on our blog. Writing your story may be healing for you and encouraging to others. Learn more and submit a piece for review here: https://www.goodtherapy.org/submit-your-story.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Alice

    November 19th, 2014 at 9:27 AM

    Hi Julia.

    Thanks for sharing your story. It helped me a lot.


  • Carol

    November 10th, 2014 at 12:31 PM

    I started experiencing mild depression many years ago. Started out from stress or the fact I was physically ill and the physicians could not find exactly what it was for a long time. Since that time, I was diagnosed with the auto immune and inflammatory disease, psoriatic arthritis. Anyway, after that a few cancer scares and surgeries then I started slowly getting worse in the depression department. I had insurance then so I saw doctors who gave me all kinds of meds. Seemed to work at first but over time, I was slowly getting worse and worse. I didn’t understand it myself. What did I truly have to be depressed about? Then, my 28 year old stepson committed suicide. His depression and drug abuse overcame him. He called my home right before he did this to himself. The guilt has been overwhelming to say the least! We couldn’t stop him! Then, over the period of 7 months, I hit bottom and never been able to pull myself up out of it. I’ve always been a very calm, happy go lucky type person. Usually, letting bad stuff just roll off my shoulders. Always being the median in bad situations, the listener, the one giving advice. Well, not anymore. Most of my friends abandoned me during all this. My family doesn’t come around often. I do well to get out of bed. I sleep about 16-18 hours a day. Don’t do much else. I had a good job prior to all this. I had a major surgery and during that time when I was bedridden, I decided I was leaving that job due to the emotional stress. Well, I left and lost insurance, lost pay. Thought I could get a job fairly quickly with my experience and history at staying at jobs for years upon years. Well, not the case! Finally got a part timer. No insurance. Not much pay coming in. Well, I could not pull myself out of bed to even get there about a month into it. I would start getting major anxiety about going and being around other people. My psychiatrist has tried almost every medication and mix there of with no noted changes. I consider myself a Christian and suicide is not an option in my mind because I believe you go to hell if you commit suicide. But, I must tell you, I’ve had horrible thoughts including suicide. Mostly just thoughts of death. It’s almost like I’m addicted to the thought of death. I’ve discussed this with my doctor. She is now wondering if shock therapy might work on me but beforehand, I must have a brain scan to make sure there isn’t a mass or aneurysm. Can’t afford one so I’m stuck in this horrible vortex of depression. My family really does not understand what I’m going through. It’s not that I don’t want to be happy. I’ve lost my ability to be happy. Everyone tells me I look so lost and sad. Well, I am! My kids are grown. I’m 48. My husband is disabled and he definitely does not understand any of it although he is diagnosed bipolar. I’ve been told I’m lazy to just get up and move around, do something, go out. But, I CAN’T! I don’t want to leave my house unless it is absolutely necessary. My hair is turning white/gray within the last few months. I hurt all the time from the arthritis physically but I hurt even worse mentally. I’ve always been able to provide and been very self sufficient. I am no longer that way. All I want to do is sleep. I live in an area where there are not any free or scaled fee pricing so I can’t even really get help. I go every 3 months to my psychiatrist paid for my son. So, when I hear someone say oh, just get over it! Well, you tell me how to get over it? I would love to!

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    November 10th, 2014 at 1:31 PM

    We received the comment that you submitted on our blog earlier today. Thank you so much for visiting GoodTherapy.org. If you are experiencing a life-threatening emergency, in danger of hurting yourself or others, feeling suicidal, overwhelmed, or in crisis, it’s very important that you get immediate help! You can do one of the following immediately:

    • Call your local law enforcement agency (911);
    • Go to the nearest hospital emergency room;
    • Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TTY:1-800-799-4TTY)

    The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is equipped to take a wide range of calls, from immediate suicidal crisis to providing information about mental health. Some of the reasons to call are listed below: • Call to speak with someone who cares;
    • Call if you feel you might be in danger of hurting yourself;
    • Call to find referrals to mental health services in your area;
    • Call to speak to a crisis worker about someone you’re concerned about.

    If you are a victim of domestic violence, you can call your local hotline and/or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233) (TTY 1−800−787−3224)

    RAINN provides support for sexual assault victims and their loved ones through two hotlines at 800.656.HOPE and Online.RAINN.org. Whether you are more comfortable on the telephone or online, RAINN has services that can guide you in your recovery.
    • The National Sexual Assault Hotline: If you need support, call 800.656.HOPE, and you will be directed to a rape crisis center near your area.
    • The National Sexual Assault Online Hotline: is the first secure web-based crisis hotline providing live and anonymous support through an interface as intuitive as instant messaging.
    • For more information visit http://rainn.org/get-help/national-sexual-assault-online-hotline.

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Tonio

    November 16th, 2014 at 12:07 PM

    My mother has been diagnosed with Major Depression Syndrome and I don’t know how to help her. She is refusing help and does not take her prescribed medication. She feels as nothing is wrong with her. She is very much so mentally unstable. She is staying with me and my family now, and it’s very hard to deal with. One minute she is calm and all of a sudden she is sad and extra pitiful. I love her but I don’t know where to turn or how to help her. She is so negative,suspicious and paranoid. She has been to behavior health facilities five times this year in two different states. She has mentioned that she does not won’t to live and has an anxiety attack at least twice a day. I’m not empathic nor trying to get rid of her; I just don’t know what to do. I need advice, PLEASE!

  • Aimee

    November 28th, 2014 at 5:48 AM

    I’m 45 years old and suffer from major depression. I can relate very well with many of these posts. I suffered sexual abuse starting when I was only an infant (via my stepfather) up until the age of nine. My mother never left him but instead pushed me away emotionally. It damaged me greatly and so I moved out by age seventeen. I had one one sibling, an older sister who wasn’t molested (I was singled out). However she was jealous of the extra (unwanted) attention I was receiving. Then I married my first husband who beat me. I suppose I picked an abuser because that’s all I knew. I’ve never turned to drugs, I deal with all of this sober. Instead I became a workaholic and tried not to think about my troubles. My bio dad was an absent egotistical jerk and still is. We don’t speak. Then in 2006 my stepfather (molester) shot himself in the head. I was blamed for his suicude by my mother who claimed he’d done it over his guilt for what he did to me. Then only two years later, she died of heart failure.. but not until after writing me out of the will and mentally abusing me to the end of her days. My sister and I no longer speak due to the fact that she conspired against me with my mother to have me written out of the will and because she is a meth addict. Now I’m chronically ill, depressed and basically just waiting to die. I don’t trust anyone and I’m all alone in the world. I have two children but they do not understand why I’m depressed as they had it very good growing up because I tried to shelter them from the ugliness in the world. It seems like all of the love I give, never comes back to me. I’m tired & honestly just wish God would take my life during my sleep one night. I ponder suicide constantly and look at death as crossing over to the other side where peace is waiting for me. People say I have a death wish, but for me dying is only physical death. I want to die to be free from this ugly hell called Earth. It’s got to be better on the other side than here in this horrific place. And believe me, I’ve left out SO MANY details of my abuse, otherwise I’d be writing a book. For those that feel like no one understands… believe me, I do.

  • Elizabeth

    November 29th, 2014 at 11:31 PM

    Aimee, I also have severe depression. I am on medication but will have episodes for the rest of my life on earth. I am replying to your post because I want you to know there is a very important decision you must make. Maybe you already have, if so you will absolutely be living forever in peace and joy unspeakable. Get a King James Bible from a Christian book store. Open to the book of John chapter 3 verse 16.If you will believe what it says and ask Jesus Christ into your life sincerely, you will be His child and live in peace and joy forever. I received Him and was born again 38 years ago. He alone knows your heartaches and loves you more than anyone else can. Please don’t commit suicide Aimee. There is truly a heaven and a hell where our eternal spirit lives. God created you out of love and wants you to have eternal life. I’ll keep you in prayer. Read a portion of the Bible every day,believe what you read,and Jesus will change your life for the better. Remember to believe and do what God tells you. Don’t give in to temptation to do things that are wrong in His eyes. He is faithful to forgive us if we ask for forgiveness from our heart. Make Jesus Christ your best friend and he will be faithful to His word. God Bless you, Elizabeth. p.s. If you are Jewish please understand my purpose was meant to bless you not to offend. Look up messianic Judaism.

  • Ann S.

    December 16th, 2014 at 8:06 PM

    Aimee, I am sorry to hear of you’re sadness and sense of feeling alone. I am not an expert on the subject of depression but know what it feels like to have a chronic battle with it. While feeling lonely is part of depression, I sometimes wonder if our society exacerbates the condition because people don’t make connections with others like they used to in the past. Gone are the days when neighbor’s sat on their front porches and made conversation regularly with one another. Block parties for example have nearly become a thing of the past, and though these are just a couple of examples,in general I think people are not engaged with and connected with others as they once were. I truly believe this is one of the things that factor into the epidemic of depression in this country. For those of us who have a predisposition or life experiences such as the ones you wrote about, it becomes even more of a challenge to deal with the depression which includes a feeling of loneliness. Though I wish I had perfect advise taylored just for you, the best I can offer are some idea’s that I have found helpful for me. My depression is more less a monthly occurrence in one form or another and has been since I was in my early teens. I can’t remember exactly what precipitated it, but I have had dysthmia combined with at least three major depressions, I am 61. For approximately five years I have had chronic dysthmia and most of the time, little motivation to engage in life. I took an early retirement and have gotten into the habit of being very lazy and afraid to get out of the comfort zone. I have decided I can not go on living like this because doing so has contributed to the depression and lowered my self esteem and confidence. In the past when I worked I home health with elderly people or when still raising my children , I had a sense of purpose. There was a sense of purpose as well in volunteering for a few church ministries such as soup kitchens etc. I have thought that maybe doing these type of things again might help and get me out of focusing so much on my insecurities and other things that seem to trigger some if not all of the depressions. There is an elementary school close by that is in need of reading mentors for the students that struggle with reading so I applied for a position helping kids out one afternoon each week in hopes that in helping them I might also help my self as an added bonus. Looking back on the things that helped the depression, I remembered that reaching out to others, (even though initially I didn’t “feel” like it, has always helped) This is also a good way to feel more connected and less lonely. The other thing I want to share with you that you might find helpful, is about an article I read about what fuels depression in many people. One of the experiences people often have whe depressed or becoming depressed, is a sense of guilt over being depressed along with a fear of the depression. The article explained that one of the worst things we who are depressed do is to allow ourselves to feel guilty, weak or afraid of the depression which causes it to spiral out of control. We are beating ourselves up for feeling miserable! After reading this, I deliberately became concious of “inner talk” or “self talk” and found that this was very true and was happening on a regular basis through out the day and the more it happened, the more “waves” of depression I felt. This sort of self deprication was another “trigger” for even more intense depression. I have also found that doing simple things to bring comfort to myself haveoften helped. A hot bath, a hot water bottle in bed, a book or magazine or watching utube videos of animals or looking at paintings online all seem to help. I noticed in your post that you mentioned having been rejected by you’re mother and it was when I read that that my heart went out to you because I too had felt a sense of emotional abandonment by my own mother. One of the things that those of us who have felt this as children need to do is become mothers to ourselves. As strange as this might sound , I have learned to practice a form of meditation where I use self hypnosis and imagine being held close to “the mother within me”. If you have raised a child and held her when she was suffering in some way (as all of us mothers have) then you INTUITIVELY know how to nurture another, and you can do the same thing for the child within you who felt rejected as a child. It’s best to do this early in the morning and before falling asleep. It is said that people can actually “retrain” their brains, scientists have proof of this. If this has helped you in any way, even a small way, I will feel blessed.

  • Aimee

    November 28th, 2014 at 5:51 AM

    Please notify me if I get responses to my first post, I forgot to check the box the first time around. Thank you.

  • David

    November 30th, 2014 at 9:46 AM

    This person #14 MKH summed up my life as well.
    I think all the time of suicide and anyone that knows me if I told them that would say no way – everyone sees me a happy go lucky person.
    It took lot of work to get to that point. I am 63 and have been in therapy almost my whole life. Why – well this article helps me. My current therapist tells me that when things go wrong and I head to depression – I seek information to FIX me, books, people anything to fix the pain.
    Today was a melt down with the wife. I was single till I was 61 – moved from Dallas to Tyler (96,000) people after living in DFW 33 years, culture shock. All in the same year I bought a house in Tyler that has been the money pit, retired, got married and now am learning for the first time about boundaries. This is tough and after 2 1/2 years being in Tyler it is a work in progress. The house takes so much time and maintenance I have not built any friendships here and this morning the wife told me she is tired of hearing me say that. Last year 2013 in August I lost 3 very close friends all within 21 days of each other. Two were closer to me than my own brothers and sister. They had been in my life since 1975 and 1983 – we had been though a lot and they were my life lines. My friends have been what has saved me for so many years – up till this year I usually send 140 Christmas cards – keeping in touch has always meant a lot to me. I miss my friends – alive and the ones that have passed!
    I think to much (I guess type A) and now being retired I really think to much; it’s tough. My wife gets down on me (she would not call it that) when I am down on the weekend because then she says I ruined her on days off / my bad energy – so it’s double whammy – I’m down and then I feel guilty for dealing with my energy. When I look at my life I have nothing to complain about, I had a great career, I saved (made sacrifices) money and was able to retire at 60. Now I worried I don’t have enough money as the house and property are always needing more work. I worry a lot – fear!.
    I’m venting today, just as my therapist said when I’m down I look for help – I have tools to get me out of this but sometimes it is just to hard to use them to see daylight. Overwhelmed drains me. I’m very spiritual (not religious) and that usually helps. I have gone to see Dr. Brian Weiss, Dan Millman and the latest is Byron Katie – all the tools /readings I have from them have helped in the past – now it is harder to find the time (hard to believe that I could be retired and not have time but true). I am out of my patterns, when working you have a pattern / routine – all is changed and in retirement it changes everyday – the therapist says this is my boundaries – I’m not taking care of mine. I asked why can’t I be like everyone else why is it that I feel like this. I have worked on my diet over the years – sugar is a big factor – this week was BBQ – hard to believe but my mind goes cofuffy with BBQ and I thought I would be ok with Smoked Turkey – not. I have a list of foods – salami, pepperoni to name a few – cured meats. Well I think I’m done and look forward to peace. I’m going to try to read the rest of this Sunday afternoon and try to get to calm & peace.
    Thank you for reading this and I hope and trust that we will all find balance / peace.

  • The Dragon

    December 5th, 2014 at 11:56 AM

    As I’ve read through here, there is so much that is familiar to me. The loneliness, the heartache, the loss of self worth … I can relate too well to all of those.
    One of your writers asked me to come here and take a look and I’d like to invite any of you who want to come visit our forum ChronicSuicideSupport.com … in her words “this is not a pro=Suicide forum but rather one for people dealing with chronic depression that is not responsive to meds and for suicidal ideation or … ”
    We’re not therapists, we’re not doctors – we are people who are where you are, feeling many of the same things you are.

  • Kim

    December 11th, 2014 at 12:28 PM

    I am a 40 year old woman and I am feeling like my only purpose in life is to wait to die……literally…….Im in the military and I just moved again from overseas back to the states…..I have no friends and no one I can relate to…….The closest person that I know is an hour and a half away… Ive gone several times to visit her and her family but that gets old real quick…I feel like Im trying to run from my own sad reality…..…Im beginning to internalize a lot of what I feel because no one seems to understand…Everyone is so focused on Oh be happy you have a job, and a nice place to live and a nice car as if that should make be giddy with happiness……and self fulfillment…. Im so tired of going to work and coming home as the extent of my life, I have no one to relate to and no one to communicate with…..Im starting to feel alone even when Im surrounded by people……my family doesn’t call and Im tired of being the one to “ALWAYS” initiate contact….If I don’t do it then I don’t hear from them…people in my job in my age demographic are all males all married with children…I am the only female ……I wish that I could convey in words the true way that I feel….Im tired of people telling me to get over it…Is there an “acceptance” pill or an “I don’t care” pill that I can take that will allow me to not stress or worry over my life and how unhappy I am….??Feel lost I’m growing tired of myself and my emotions I want to be this strong empowered woman that doesn’t need anyone or anything but instead I’m this weak , insecure person who feels beaten to a pulp by reality and disappointment and I’m so tired I want peace of mind, consideration, to be treated how I treat people and it won’t happen because people are SELFISH 😭and they don’t care about anything or anyone. I don’t know how to fix this or how to be happy……Im tired of being alone and having nothing, no children, no husband …its like i have no directions, no purpose, and no motivation…….I don’t know why I am so unhappy the only thing I can attribute to is that I have absolutely no life……outside of work and home……and its been like this for years while overseas I have stepped out of my comfort zone, going to wine tastings, a lot of events I have attended alone, joining groups, volunteering and yet Im still alone and by myself I cannot understand why for the life of me……I am a good person I am generous and treat people the way I would like to be treated and it seems if you cant provide something for someone then you become irrelevant at least thats how I feel with people that I have encountered in my life……I just feel lost….I don’t understand what purpose I am serving besides working to pay bills…I just don’t know………I feel like a failure like somewhere in life i made a left turn when I was supposed to make a right turn and now Im lost no family, no children and no significant other……….

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    December 12th, 2014 at 10:16 AM

    Hi Kim,

    We received the comment that you submitted on our blog earlier today. Thank you so much for visiting GoodTherapy.org. If you are experiencing a life-threatening emergency, in danger of hurting yourself or others, feeling suicidal, overwhelmed, or in crisis, it’s very important that you get immediate help! You can do one of the following immediately:

    • Call your local law enforcement agency (911);
    • Go to the nearest hospital emergency room;
    • Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TTY:1-800-799-4TTY)

    The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is equipped to take a wide range of calls, from immediate suicidal crisis to providing information about mental health. Some of the reasons to call are listed below:

    • Call to speak with someone who cares;
    • Call if you feel you might be in danger of hurting yourself;
    • Call to find referrals to mental health services in your area;
    • Call to speak to a crisis worker about someone you’re concerned about.

    If you are a victim of domestic violence, you can call your local hotline and/or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233) (TTY 1−800−787−3224)

    RAINN provides support for sexual assault victims and their loved ones through two hotlines at 800.656.HOPE and Online.RAINN.org. Whether you are more comfortable on the telephone or online, RAINN has services that can guide you in your recovery.
    • The National Sexual Assault Hotline: If you need support, call 800.656.HOPE, and you will be directed to a rape crisis center near your area.
    • The National Sexual Assault Online Hotline: is the first secure web-based crisis hotline providing live and anonymous support through an interface as intuitive as instant messaging.
    • For more information visit http://rainn.org/get-help/national-sexual-assault-online-hotline.

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Jim

    February 25th, 2015 at 5:32 AM

    kim, i can relate to your post more than you know. it hit home and was very powerful. you are not alone in the daily struggle of finding purpose and meaning, even though it feels like that at times. if you ever wanna need someone to talk to, i’m here.

  • mm

    December 13th, 2014 at 7:29 AM

    I wish medicine can come up with something so that i can live a little bit better after all these years of manifesting depression, anxiety, ocd and Derealization. Anti depressants are not really doing it for me even thou I’m a bit better with them. It’s so hard to just do anything like talk, eat, walk and I’m 27. I don’t know why this happened all of a sudden without am apparent cause.

  • The Dragon

    December 13th, 2014 at 9:08 PM

    Kim, life has been interesting for me or I’d have responded to you yesterday. I have four computers in front of me and until yesterday three of them didn’t work and the fourth was “new” to me so it didn’t have my bookmarks on it. Enough of my growsing …

    You say that you feel like a failure … I spent the better part of ten years in service during the VietNam era. All I had to worry about was some liitle guy in black pajamas trying to sneak through the wire at night (for my one year in VN; the rest was in Korea, Japan and stateside) *I* didn’t have to wonder if someone was going to take a bomb to the family I had at home, I didn’t have to wonder if some radical was going to do stuff that there was no way I could do anything to prevent. You folks are fighting a very different type of war today and it’s one that I wouldn’t want to fight. I’m guessing that you have the better part of your 20 in and anyone who’s been able to put up with the crap (I think I can get away with that) that you’ve had to in the service has got to be a lot stronger than I think you’re giving yourself credit for! From someone who’s been there you’ve got a well deserved salute from me to thee!

    One of the things I found out – when we’re away, whether it’s today’s kids at school or those of us who put the country first – those we’ve left behind have their own lives to live. They get so wrapped up in their *today* that they forget the times that are passing us all by. It’s been good to see that today the GI in the field has the internet and cell phones to communicate with. In my day it was the longed for letter that eventually caught up to us and for a few minutes we were able to be a part of the family again. No, it’s not good but that’s the way that life has always been for those who dedicate themselves to the protection of others.

    You have my sympathy for the “get over it” comments, that’s the macho idiot that’s talking. You know, the same guy that told you to get over it is down at the local bar “getting over it”; we guys have that outlet, we can go tip a few and complain about all the nonsense that goes with life today and when it’s all said and done, no one ever really gets over it. We lose, one way or the other, friends and loved ones – if we get luck enough to really have loved ones, cause we know that loving someone isn’t safe, in our business they might not be there tomorrow, they may be across the country, around the other side of the globe or dead – you don’t get over living like that – with luck and perseverance you learn to live with it but get over it – nope, love, that ain’t a going to happen.

    I always thought it was funny, we were (are) all good people in the service (well, for the most part). We had to be! We’ve lived for the moment and tomorrow be damned because, seriously, tomorrow might not be there. No one wanted out last thoughts of the guys around us to be that we were asshats; we didn’t want to go out knowing that our friends were mad at us over stuff that really didn’t mean a blasted thing.

    If you want, come talk to me and the rest of my group over on my forum (ChronicSuicideSupport.com); it’s not all about wishing we were dead, there’s a lot about what we’re doing to just keep on keeping on.

    Take care of yourself ma’am!

  • Eric

    December 14th, 2014 at 3:00 AM

    Very interesting article. I do think one cause of pervasive depression isn’t addressed. I believe its called chronic displacement syndrome.

  • Tania

    December 15th, 2014 at 11:40 PM

    Very descriptive article, I enjoyed that a lot. Will there be a part 2?

  • merlin

    December 19th, 2014 at 4:58 AM

    Be strong people, try to rise above the tangle in your heads..
    And find someone to talk to, about everything, and talk and talk.
    Then dance and let it all go.
    love is true. (and that means for me I have to try to accept myself)

  • the dragon

    December 19th, 2014 at 8:52 AM

    Merlin, I suppose I should take it easier, but you response is so much like those who spout “get over it” that I can’t pass on a response.

    Find someone to talk to … yeh, I’ve paid good money to talk to people and had them say “it’s all in my head” – well, no , I know that I’d just like to have one day where I could get it out of my head! One day where I went to bed NOT wishing that the gods would let me sleep through the night without waking up in sweats, or better yet without waking up! And waking up, oh yeh, waking up cursing those same gods for not just letting me sleep…

    But then, I’m worthless; why else would my mother leave me in an orphanage at 2 years old so she could get on with her life, she was told that she had to either take me back or sign me over to them when I came down with pneumonia – why didn’t she just leave me there? Why else would she move from place to place to place, never having any thought that this constant moving would impact my life, I can’t form friendships, never have been able to, I never learned how, never had the chance to learn.

    Every time *I* had something going for me – well, it was time to move again. I played bassoon in juniour high and high school. Had a couple of tutors who suggested I try to get into college – and mom moved into the backnd of nowhere in New York State where I was allowed to play my bassoon in the school band because there wasn’t an orchestra and no chance in hell of getting into school because there was no one to sponsor the kid from nowhere.

    I ran in school – eventually was running a marathon length run at least once a week. The cross country coach from UCLA came out to see me and they were interested – but that’s also when we moved back to New York State. I ran in ice and snow and rain but in this small town there was no track team, most schools didn’t have one because there wasn’t much of a “track season”.

    I joined service, spent the better part of ten years in service; then at the end of the VietNam conflict, when it was time to re-enlist I was told that I wasn’t needed. Tricky Dick decided we could cut the military back to an all volunteer force and VietNam was over and a lot of us “weren’t needed”. Thanks, I gave you ten years of my life, was willing to literally give my life and I wasn’t needed.

    I’m well on in years, I’ve managed to live *for me* but that doesn’t mean that it’s a life worth living.

    I’ve been on quite a few anti-depressants and some of them work for a while; I’ve spent more time in therapy than I want to think about; I’ve tried to find someone to care for and they’ve decided that it’s too much effort to care for me – and regrettably I understand that. I’m not an easy person to live with so it’s easier for me to live on my own (well, with two dogs, at least they accept me!)

    “Then dance and let it all go” dance hell, it’s all I can do to drag myself out of bed and get on with this life … I wish I could find the energy to dance, I wish I could find someone to dance with.

    It’s a beautiful, chilly day outside … I love watching the sunrise and sunset (I live in the desert southwest) but even that beauty isn’t enough to convince me that tomorrow’s worth living …

    Want a laugh, I called the suicide hotline a couple of days back – not because *I* was any more suicidal than normal, but because I wanted some information – spent 20 minutes on hold … yeh, why should *I* care when it’s real obvious that there are damn few in my life who care.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    December 19th, 2014 at 11:34 AM

    Hi, the dragon. We received the comment that you submitted on our blog earlier today. Thank you so much for visiting GoodTherapy.org. If you are experiencing a life-threatening emergency, in danger of hurting yourself or others, feeling suicidal, overwhelmed, or in crisis, it’s very important that you get immediate help! You can do one of the following immediately:

    • Call your local law enforcement agency (911);
    • Go to the nearest hospital emergency room;
    • Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TTY:1-800-799-4TTY)

    The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is equipped to take a wide range of calls, from immediate suicidal crisis to providing information about mental health. Some of the reasons to call are listed below:
    • Call to speak with someone who cares;
    • Call if you feel you might be in danger of hurting yourself;
    • Call to find referrals to mental health services in your area;
    • Call to speak to a crisis worker about someone you’re concerned about.

    If you are a victim of domestic violence, you can call your local hotline and/or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233) (TTY 1−800−787−3224)

    RAINN provides support for sexual assault victims and their loved ones through two hotlines at 800.656.HOPE and Online.RAINN.org. Whether you are more comfortable on the telephone or online, RAINN has services that can guide you in your recovery.
    • The National Sexual Assault Hotline: If you need support, call 800.656.HOPE, and you will be directed to a rape crisis center near your area.
    • The National Sexual Assault Online Hotline: is the first secure web-based crisis hotline providing live and anonymous support through an interface as intuitive as instant messaging.
    • For more information visit http://rainn.org/get-help/national-sexual-assault-online-hotline.

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • carl

    December 25th, 2014 at 7:14 PM

    I am the youngest of six. I was sexually molested at six years old by a neighbor. I have struggled for years with depression and bipolar disorder. I am now 46 years old. I cannot wait to be done with this life. Life has been hell for me. I have lived in the same house all my life. I now live on disability cuz of my bipolar disorder. I can’t cope with life. I am severely depressed. All the psych treatments have ruined my health. I am not severely overweight from side effects and electric shock treatment which I regret everyday listening to the doctor that prescribed it to me in a psych ward. I hate life and always have. My family has verbally abused me my whole life. My brothers who tormented me all my life still torment me and verbally abuse me all the time. I still live with them cuz I can’t afford to even rent a one bedroom apartment on the little I get per month on SSI. I wish I was never born. I have tried so many things to change my situation I am always trapped in the same situation with no way to get out. I even did 30 years of therapy. I was in a program that was 25 hours a week of therapy for 3 years and got kicked out because the therapist was a jerk. I caught him putting things on twitter about clients that were very degrading. Next thing I know I am kicked out of my mental health services. The agency made up lies about me in order to cut my services. They said I was negative toward peers, disruptive in groups and showing no progress. Well, it was all made up so they could kick me out. I mean not one person In the program was showing progress. It was just a place where people like me that have no hope in life could go to for help coping. Now I have nothing left. I have no friends, no therapy, and no sense of community anymore. Life is cruel is what my mother always told me and she was right. My family will screw me out of everything if anything happens to my brothers and I will end up homeless. I should have never been born. I have bad feet and am severely overweight. I can’t support myself in a job. I can’t even stand very long or walk very far. I hope I end up having a heart attack so I don’t have to do it myself. Living in poverty and living with my brothers destroyed me. I feel like I am just waiting to die. At least the program I went to got me out of the house. But now, I am stuck in the house with no sociability. I am isolated and can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel. I am obsessed with death and what happens after this life. I can’t get any help so I don’t see any point anymore. I have addictions also. I have never been addicted to drugs and alcohol. I am addicted to food and gambling. I have hoped for years I would win the lottery. I tried everything to win so I could change my life. Well, after 20 years I am still not winning. I have given up hope. I have lost my faith and am feeling stuck with no way out.

  • Mish

    January 19th, 2015 at 12:18 PM

    Carl, i was very saddened to read your post and i would like to know how you are doing? You are in my thoughts.

  • Lisa K.

    December 28th, 2014 at 8:06 AM

    My story is like many told here; depression since my earliest memories; emotional abuse in childhood and teens; my own poor choices throughout life – amazingly and so thankfully avoiding the draw of addictions, but I understand the desire to escape or numb these constant feelings of worthlessness and emotional and physical pain. I’ve spent my life, again back to childhood, wanting to die. Sporadically suicidal, but more of a constant is just wanting it to end.
    I’m turning 44, and over the past couple of years I have felt that dim light of hope go out altogether. I feel it’s too late to turn things around; get more schooling; find a lasting passion; to learn to trust. I have an 8-yr-old, who keeps me going, but it’s a mechanical going-through-the-motions existence. I have been medicated consistently since her birth, whereas I had stretches before where I had (not so successfully) been without medication. Don’t get me wrong – I love her and find her brilliant, and am actually startled by my own laughter at times with the things she comes up with. I find myself exhausted with the details of mothering, and my memory often fails me leading to missed deadlines for her projects and last minute scrambling to arrange care or get her to her school/social events. My 88-yr-old mother is a great help, but beyond that, I don’t have much support. My elderly mother helping me also comes with self-imposed guilt and feelings of incompetence.
    Even though I’m at a point of really struggling, I’m wanting to go off meds to at least feel something. I’m flat. I feel the urge to cry at times, but overall their are no highs and just a low – to lower-than-low. Psychiatrists have contributed to my hopelessness throughout life, as I’ve found them more interested in their own little experiments with me – “Will this med work? How about combining this anti-seizure drug? Let’s switch this up?” Pharmacology is what they’re about, which I get, but find I feel more like a guinea pig, than a patient they are truly concerned about. In all my years of visiting psychologists, it’s only been recently that I have found two that I have connected with – but feel it’s too late in life to make any worthwhile changes. I’m on the downhill slide of mid-life. Too late to have a true trusting, loving relationship if I were to meet someone, factoring how much emotional work I still need to do. Too late to ‘become anything’ other than the mediocre position I’ve somehow managed to hold onto for 20+ years. Too late to build close friendships, with people who I can be open with and not be judged by.
    As others have experienced, I’ve heard the comments of ‘just get over it; you’re making a choice to feel like this; you’re life is pretty good, just appreciate what you have and shut up’. I do appreciate what I have and realize things could be much worse. If I could shake off these feelings I would in an instant. I don’t just sit and wallow. I exercise, I take my meds faithfully, I try and try and try – but it’s getting darker. If someone has a feasible suggestion – I’ll try it. If someone even has the slightest glimmer of hope to offer, I’ll grab it and try to build on it. I don’t know what exactly it is that I’m looking for by writing. Camaraderie in my misery? Not so much. I sadly have realized that there are many, many people suffering out there. Maybe an answer in what someone else has tried to help them overcome this darkness? A direction to turn? I don’t know. Any words to help…. Anything… It’s getting harder to put one foot in front of the other.

  • Matt

    January 13th, 2015 at 2:59 PM

    I was reading through these comments as I occasionally do when I am feeling hopeless and can’t find any distraction. I just wanted to say to the people that try to carry on and have these relationships in their lives etc even the ones that fail, you are all brilliant..
    I feel so ashamed and pathetic when I read some people’s struggles as I myself am too lethargic to attempt anything at all. I am 28 this year and have been suffering from depression since I was about 12-15, I have seen counsellors about it and have taken medication for it a few times, and I have no list of things i’ve managed to achieve by not ending it all, I’ve had no friends for a long time but do have a supportive family unit (Which only helps a little as they don’t really understand) but without my parents support I would be living on the streets/dead by now.
    The fact that you guys carry on and do anything productive at all is amazing to me, and if you still have a job well you are fantastic! I have lost the kind hearted person I used to be almost completely, I still feel like I am a kind, selfless person but when I consider how I have acted towards others since I made the decision to muddle through life instead of ending it..I realize that I have acted selfishly and in an uncaring fashion just out of laziness and not wanting to be social, i’ve been a complete wank to alot of people. I thought by not killing myself I was fighting my depression but now I realize I may aswel of just killed myself all that time ago.
    So to all of those who are trying to do something I applaud you, to do anything productive at all is a big deal.

    @Lonely today, I feel you completely, still now I do not shower most days I just wash my face/bits in sink and spend the day generally unclean, just go out anyway though the only people who will think bad about you are not the kind of people to care about at all.
    Advice is so hard to listen to though I know, I go out everyday into town for no reason just to get out, and yet I walked out of my new job before xmas and can’t bring myself to even call them to see if i’ve been sacked yet or not, have had lots of advice on how to handle it and yet I still just can’t handle doing anything about it, will lose my housing benefit cause i’m too scared to go get my payslip n will have to move back in with parents over a silly little irrational thing. *Sigh* sorry for the big, bad grammar, ranting it just helps pass the time.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    January 13th, 2015 at 3:10 PM

    Thank you for your comment, Matt. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Emmi

    January 17th, 2015 at 10:19 AM

    THANKS 4 SHARImg i also have not been able to take full shower.I have not been out ok my home in 3 months now. but ur right The hell with other people it will probably help if I do go out.

  • Emin

    January 13th, 2015 at 5:25 PM

    I am suffering from deppression for 16 years. I am 37 and all my golden years went to bin because of deppression. I have a good job I have a family but nothing makes me happy. I am only in dark in pain.I am alone in my darkness with pain. And I tried every medicine, acupuncture, TMS, psycotheraphy. but nothing worked for me. I think suicide but I can not do it. as a summary I am hopeless, I am in pain everyday. I can not go to my job.And I hate from science men because I know they can finda certain cure about deppression. But they do not find Because they do not live the darkness in pain that we live …

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    January 13th, 2015 at 9:06 PM

    Thank you for your comment, Emin. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • karen

    January 21st, 2015 at 2:50 PM

    I just turned 62. Have been depressed my whole life. Don’t function. Been on medication half my life. In therapy for a year. I don’t believe anything will ever get better for me. I’ll probably kil myself when the time is right. I’m to far gone.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    January 21st, 2015 at 3:15 PM

    Hi, Karen. We received the comment that you submitted on our blog earlier today. Thank you so much for visiting GoodTherapy.org. If you are experiencing a life-threatening emergency, in danger of hurting yourself or others, feeling suicidal, overwhelmed, or in crisis, it’s very important that you get immediate help! You can do one of the following immediately:

    • Call your local law enforcement agency (911);
    • Go to the nearest hospital emergency room;
    • Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TTY:1-800-799-4TTY)

    The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is equipped to take a wide range of calls, from immediate suicidal crisis to providing information about mental health. Some of the reasons to call are listed below:

    • Call to speak with someone who cares;
    • Call if you feel you might be in danger of hurting yourself;
    • Call to find referrals to mental health services in your area;
    • Call to speak to a crisis worker about someone you’re concerned about.

    If you are a victim of domestic violence, you can call your local hotline and/or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233) (TTY 1−800−787−3224)

    RAINN provides support for sexual assault victims and their loved ones through two hotlines at 800.656.HOPE and Online.RAINN.org. Whether you are more comfortable on the telephone or online, RAINN has services that can guide you in your recovery.

    • The National Sexual Assault Hotline: If you need support, call 800.656.HOPE, and you will be directed to a rape crisis center near your area.
    • The National Sexual Assault Online Hotline: is the first secure web-based crisis hotline providing live and anonymous support through an interface as intuitive as instant messaging.
    • For more information visit http://rainn.org/get-help/national-sexual-assault-online-hotline.

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Emily

    January 30th, 2015 at 8:45 AM

    Hi. I am 17 years old and i have suffered from depression and anxiety for about 6 years. I have seen multiple doctors that have prescribed me a variety of medications to help with my mental health issues. I have worked with several different therapists also.things have got a little easier but the Depression is still so overwhelming that i can’t always make it through a full day of school. I’m losing hope in the mental health system. I’m feeling so hopeless…

  • deb

    January 30th, 2015 at 10:26 PM

    I’m 61. That sounds old but I feel 32 and look pretty darn good for my age. It’s weird but I like the aging process. It is quite a surprising thing to go through though. I have been sleeping for 23 years. I have social phobia, have tried working, have gone to therapy forever, am sober for 32 years in 12-step programs, go to group therapy and have lately lost hope. I was in a dream job, helping rescued farm animals…a longtime dream of mine. My anxiety couldn’t handle it. Society does not accept being on disability for mental illness and my family accepts me only when working. I am sleeping around the clock and therapists are on me about it, as if I can help it. Being awake is PAINFUL. I am lost, have no hope, failure as far as having faith in God(dess)or whatever runs the universe. I’ve been in therapy for 42 years for my social anxiety, why would I have hope?

  • John

    February 1st, 2015 at 5:25 AM

    I can feel your pain, im the same and 15 years younger. I feel I will never be happy.

  • Carol

    February 5th, 2015 at 11:23 AM

    I’m 48 year old female who was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety Disorder about 5 years ago. I hid my undiagnosed depression for many years and was able to function in a day to day scale. Then, I started working for a high stress government agency that dealt with abused children. Witnessing first hand, seeing, reading reports (part of my job) and trying to deal with child death got the best of me. For a long time, I thought I was dealing with it but my family said I changed. I eventually started missing lots of work and it came to the point either I quit or get fired. I quit. During the time I was working towards the end my stepson committed suicide and I became numb and in a dark quiet place as I had to be the strong one for my family. And, I haven’t worked in 2 years. There are times I seriously do not get out of bed for a week at a time. Only to grab something to eat, restroom and to bathe. I don’t talk. I avoid answering the phone. I avoid my family and friends. My doctor has tried 22 medications on me and nothing seems to work. Sometimes, I think yeah, this one is working then a week or two later same ole same ole. I see a counselor too who seems to help for that day and maybe the day after I go and talk to her. But, then I’m in the hole again. I used to think depression was something everyone had and could just pull themselves out of it. I now know different! I don’t want to feel like this. I want my life back! I want to feel good about myself and leave the house, have a good time laughing and smiling and it not leave me. But, that does not happen! On rare occasions I do get out of my house, I feel fairly good usually…but sometimes I can be in a store and it hits me that I must leave and I do! I have tried everything possible to help with this depression and anxiety I have and nothing seems to work. There are days, I wish I wasn’t around. I feel like a burden to all that love me. Most of my friends have moved on and I rarely talk to them anymore. I don’t blame any of them. I wouldn’t want to be around me either! I’ve considered admitting myself into a psychiatric hospital but what more will they do…add another 5 pills to my regimen. I’m just tired of all this. I feel like I do not have a “real” life. I’m just going through it like a sad zombie waiting until it’s my time to go. No one should have to live like this. And, for someone to say “just pull yourself out of it” or “you can change you” is bull! I’ve tried over and over.

  • Matt

    February 17th, 2015 at 10:08 PM

    I wish people in real life were more willing to admit that depression can be permanent. I get so, so sick of hearing that one day it will get better. I’ve had depression since my earliest memories back in Kindergarten, and has gotten gradually worse as I’ve gotten older. By time I was 11, I was suicidal.

    I’m nearly 22 now and still can’t shake this. Not a day goes by that I don’t wish I were dead. The only thing keeping me alive is knowing how much it would devastate my parents if I killed myself. Frankly, my only real goal at this point is to outlive them, but they’re both in their 40’s and that’s such a long, long way to go.

    I’ve been diagnosed with severe depression. And I’ve tried EVERYTHING. I’ve seen nearly 10 different therapists now over the course of 7 years (and at one point, I was seeing three at once, totally 9 appointments a month). I’ve tried exercising, eating healthy, meds (so many that no doctor wants to touch me with a ten foot pole anymore, because NOTHING has worked, and my med record goes on for miles), and even dropped out of college for a while to try to pull myself together. Nothing. Works.

    I honestly have no idea what life without depression is supposed to feel like. I don’t understand why people want so badly to live and are so afraid of dying. I can’t wrap my head around why people would even want an afterlife – life itself is far too much, why would you want this to go on?

    Mostly I just wish I hadn’t been born. I’d feel too guilty about hurting my family to actually kill myself, but that just leaves me trapped. I wish everyone in the world would forget I existed to I could leave without hurting anyone. But I can’t, so I’m stuck enduring this hell, pretending I’m fine, waiting for the day the rest of my family kicks it so I can finally get out of this. Which in itself is a disgusting thought.

    In the end, there really is no hope and no point in living if all you feel is this pain all the time.

  • Statistic

    February 24th, 2015 at 6:04 PM

    Having guilt as an anchor feels horrible, it make me wish everyone who cared for me either hated me, or would die. Perhaps you could empathize. But I feel horrible for feeling that way.
    I’m lucky enough to have had my family disown me, and to have virtually no long term friends. I’ve begun to tell people I’m going to teach English, and go live a new life in another country so they won’t know where I really went…
    It sounds to me that through all the treatment you’ve been through, and all the progress you haven’t had, that it seems almost selfish for guilt to be imposed for the sake of your continued suffering.
    Before contemplating suicide, I’d often fantasized about someone else killing me, but later realized it wouldn’t happen. It would be a mercy for us though, wouldn’t it?
    a mercy.

  • The Dragon

    February 18th, 2015 at 8:17 PM

    Matt, considering your age and your parents ages, that makes me about old enough to be your grandfather. God, that’s a thought …
    I wish I could say that it goes away but for some of us it doesn’t. Some of us have learned to live with depression as a normal state of mind and that’s the utter pits.
    There are few nights when I go to bed that I wish I would not wake up the next morning and as many times as I’ve put myself into positions where a small step or a twitch of a finger would end my problems – for some reason I can’t do it.
    I’m really sorry that you’re where you are. Trying to find something to do that gives me some sense of worth helps me … sometimes; sometimes it just shows me how screwed up I really am.

  • Kara

    February 20th, 2015 at 1:45 AM

    I’ve been dealing with depression since I was an adolescent. I’ve been through so much and now it’s really taking a toll on me. I was diagnosed with Major Depression at the age of 18. Just this year I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. I have been in and out of hospitals over the past year. Placed on many different medications in hope that I will get my zest for life back. I was told by 3 doctors that maybe I should consider having shock treatments since I’m no longer responding to the majority of medications out there. I attempted suicide I’m July and was hospitalized and I was also hospitalized in August 2014. This disease has affected my whole life. I had 3 years where it seemed as if I was on top of the world. I didn’t need medication at all. In 2011 that all changed I lost my fiancé we were together for 7 years. In 2012 I rushed my mother to Emergency and I was told that she was not going to make it. A miracle happened and she is still here. My mother is the only person that I have. In October of 2014 I lost my job that I had been at for a longtime. In losing these things I truly lost myself. I’m not afraid to die…I’m afraid to live. I’m so tired of fighting. It’s so bad that I’ve started saving money to pay for my own funeral. People tell me it’s going to get better and I tell them yes it is then my better will end with another episode. These diseases that I have is like having any physical disease. I’m just tired of fighting. I know that if I lose my mother, I will be next to die. You don’t know me but please pray for me. Please .

  • Breanna

    February 26th, 2015 at 2:42 PM

    Kara, I’m praying for you. I also went through the darkest season of my life last year. I also lost my fiancé and I felt that my mental illness was finally going to take my life. I read a lot of these forums but I felt compelled to respond to your comment. There is hope. There is a reason for you to be on this earth. I know it’s hard to hear right now, in fact, it’s hard to type it because I’m saying it to myself. You are not alone. Your mom was saved for a reason. Don’t give up.

  • Jas

    February 20th, 2015 at 7:39 PM

    I’ve had depression ever since I was in middle school and even though I try to make things better for myself, things are becoming worse. I’ve had a very bad childhood that I know I can’t let go, but I’ve tried talking about it, I’ve tried moving out of my abusive household into my own, changing to a better job, but nothing works. I’m still depressed and looking at everyone just reminds me of it. I honestly and desperately try to think positive, but I literally feel the depression swallow me up and sap it out of me, leaving me in so much emotional pain. That’s the best way I can explain it, everything just drains out of me in that exact moment. It never goes away and I hate it. The people I know don’t understand. They claim I’m being dramatic. Sometimes I wonder what the point? The things I once enjoyed, such as reading, are leaving me not wanting to do anything anymore. I’m 21 now. I have no motivation to do anything. People say to pray and “god” will help you, but you can’t be any more wrong. I stopped believing in god when I was 6. I begged for your god to help me, to save me, to make the pain go away, but can you guess what happened? Nothing. No one helped me. No one saved me and I (not god) have to live with that shit every day until my memories can finally be erased. Therefore, this is life. No one can help us, nor fix us. You can either deal with it, or you don’t. As for the reason I’m still here? I have no clue. I’m just desperately trying to claw on to anything, until I can’t anymore. We all die anyways, so why try to prolong the life you have when all you do is suffer? That’s not living, because I’m already dead, at least inside I am. People say it’s because I’m not trying, but they’ll never understand this feeling, because they actually love their life, or at least content with it. When they tell me things like that it actually makes me feel even lower. We naturally fight to live, I think that’s part of us, but it’s also okay to give up, because that’s in us too. I just hate when people judge me for that. It’s okay to let go. It’s okay to want the pain to go away and like I’ve said, no one will ever understand that. You’re content with your life as I’m content in leaving. It hurts when you have to drag yourself out of bed every morning to go to a job you hate, or talk to people you hate, or be by yourself and still feel the hate. I hate being around people, but also hate being alone. I’m severely unhappy in every damn thing I do, no matter if I do, or do not enjoy it and when there is nothing to cure this feeling. Will you still tell me to hang on? Will you still tell me to pray? or will you still tell me to get over it? People continue to preach because they’re clueless, because if they weren’t? They wouldn’t be.. Obviously, I landed on this website because I want to get better, but it looks like everyone is just as clueless lol.. I wish you all the best of luck in whatever route you choose.

  • natascha

    February 28th, 2015 at 9:40 PM

    Jas when I read your comment I saw myself,i feel exactly the same! Ive had depression and anxiety since the age of 13 and am 41 now,been through every possible treatment available and medication but no change,wish I had the answer

  • Sue

    March 4th, 2015 at 2:49 PM

    Hi I have suffered from depression since I was about 10. I’m 51 now and have CPTSD the most recent 5 years ago. Despite all this I was able to go to uni, have a job I loved ect. But now it just gets worse and in the last 5 years I’ve lost everything except my family who are wonderful but have their own stuff from our horrific childhood. The worse thing is everyone keeps expecting me to get better. Seeing this article and reading the comments has made me feel like I’m not alone. I’m in Australia but if I could I’d try to have Cynthia Lubow who wrote this article as a therapist as she knows what she’s talking about. Thank you all for sharing your stories. I would share mine but I’m too exhausted. Just know I’ve tried everything as well and am so tired.

  • lety

    March 13th, 2015 at 10:01 PM

    I feel depressed an dont show it to my husband he only thinks about him self an his pleasure he likes all the attention on him i would like to feel the same way

  • cara

    March 16th, 2015 at 2:50 PM

    I am one of the 10% that you talk about. I’m never content. I have been sad for most of my life. I am on disability because of depression. All I want is to just feel OK, not super excited, just……OK. Content. I didn’t know what that is.

  • Jenn

    March 16th, 2015 at 4:37 PM

    I too have experienced this through out my entire life…it’s ruined my life and relationships. The health problems included are crippling and I’m not sure how to just get to a daily ‘ok’ I watch in admiration daily at happy free spirited people. I don’t know to over come this without health care.

  • trev

    March 17th, 2015 at 5:32 AM

    Where to start?A successful 50 yr old man over many yrs that culminated in having my own successful business.Went to work one day as usual to prepare for my employees/sub contractors to arrive.By 7’30 the are all out the door and i’m bawling my eyes out,locked business up got myself home and as the roller door come down on garage.I literally collapsed onto the garage floor and from my clock bawled my eyes out for 3 hrs.
    Rang My mother…and said something like I think ive had a breakdown…
    She and dad come round and next thing im being diagnosed with Major Depression and so started the most hellish journey of the past 9 yrs.
    Tried all the AD’s known to man(thats how it feels),the Phyciatrists,Phycologists,variuos talk therapies.In Phy hospital after several attempted suicides.,20+ ECT treatments and they wanted to give me more…
    Suicides I here so many say “how could You do that?”,think of us dad!”if you did that,”how would we feel for the rest of our lives if you succeeded!”
    Let me tell you when I got to the stage of attempting….no I wasnt attempting I was wanting for it to be successful to the end of the indescibable emotional pain or lack of emotional all together and the pyhsical pain….yes physical pain of it,There was no other solution and You know what….I’m here to tell you I didnt consider/think oh i shouldnt do this because of the suffering it might cause,the stigma it may leave my family(who in most cases at that times abandoned me anyway as did my so called mates)No those thought never ever entered my mind.I just wanted to be rid of the “pain” and I tried.
    Today…i am a shell of what i was,havent worked for 9 yrs,totally deviod of any emotion,
    Im alive but im dead.
    i hear all the stories of people betting better or at least coping and good for them,but those stories only make me angry cause thats what i want.The people who sprout out the clichques
    just recently heard one in reference to MD “this to will end”,(yep when im dead)and to the person if he ever reads this Your BS statement nearly pushed my over the edge that day…You so and so,and youve all heard the rest of them.
    I struggle to get up and do the bodily functions,i goto bed and hope i dont wake in the morning thats about the total of my life…
    have I given up yes,am i suicidal…not anymore,its to hard….just wished i was dead

  • Sue

    March 17th, 2015 at 11:01 PM

    I too feel this way and you expressed it very well. I’m sick of people telling me I’ll get better and how can you think of suicide ect. I made a good go of it recently I didn’t want the bullshit of “attempting” either. I obviously survived and despit promising my family is never do anything like that, I too never even considered them I was in too much pain. I’ve tried “everything” too! I give up some days and don’t other days. I’m scared of living like this for the next 20yrs so I’m going to keep trying to find something that will work. I just really identified with your story Trev. Thanks for sharing I don’t feel as alone!

  • kathi

    March 22nd, 2015 at 5:18 PM

    Hey,let me tell u..i just exist most of the time..i hate my life,and i too dont want to be here..my problem is sometimes i feel ok,once in a blue moon i actually feel great.,.but i get so dark,and depressed,that i know i could sleep my life away,easily..i just think people are so fake,and they say they care,but they do not..only if u have a ton of money,maybe.,.i feel like im not even in this world.,,,im totally exhausted…i dont even want to use my voice,i could just stop talking…idk what is wrong with me.ive been diagnosed,clinically depressed,bipolor,ptss…and god knows what else.and the devil is after me all the time.idk why,cause i am a christian,not a very good one though..but i do the best i can….i feel theres no help…..i feel for u….good luck…

  • Jenn

    March 17th, 2015 at 9:11 AM

    suicide isn’t an option…not because of religion but because my family has gone through their undue share of this already…so I unselfishly live in my own hell which is VERY difficult not having an ‘out’ or ‘end’

  • Chelsie

    March 31st, 2015 at 7:32 PM

    I’m twenty years old and I have been struggling with depression I think for most of my life. Therapists that I have been too say it most likely started in my childhood but I never realized it then. I do however remember being very different as I grew up. Almost a feeling of being disconnected from the world. As I have gotten older it has only gotten worse. I honestly have no clue what it means to not be depressed. I look outside my window and take in the world around me…. I just think… how could anyone not be depressed? Happy people seem delusional to me but maybe that is the depression talking. I hate that my whole life has been consumed by this disease but I know I’m not alone in how I feel. I have been very suicidal and contemplating it everyday for the last year. Although I know I would never go through with it because I could never hurt my family in that way. More often than not I just wish I didn’t exist. I wish I had never been born. I hate it here. I’m not passionate about anything and I have no desire to live this life. Nothing seems to work for me. There is no light at the end of this dark tunnel. It just goes on and on forever it seems. I know it will never get better and I have to learn to live with it. I am starting to accept that it’s the reality of the situation.

  • Carrel

    April 3rd, 2015 at 9:50 PM

    54 female. I’ve made 3 attempts on my life , 21, 40 & 51. Since grade school I can remember I wished I wasn’t alive. Strange thing people think I’m a happy go lucky person and I’m NOT. I’ve always tried to fake being happy in hopes I would be happy. Everyday is a struggle to do just simple daily things. I haven’t worked in a while and just decided to try to pull myself out of this mess by getting a job, it’s making me a nervous wreck… Competing with the younger generation really makes me feel useless, slow, stupid and I just feel it’s a matter of time before they let me go… So I stress over this and had a major attack the other night and put a call into my therapist. I’m still here. I take lexapro am and trazodone pm. Nothing seems to help and Im waiting and waiting to just feel normal again. I hope all of us on here find the peace and happiness we all deserve.

  • Sheri

    April 7th, 2015 at 2:40 PM

    I can totally relate. 45 year old married, mother of two here. Luckily, my kids are 16 & 20 so when I feel completely immobilized they can make their own food or my husband picks up the slack.

    I’m laying in bed as I write this. I just want to know what so called normal feels like. Where did that part of me go? I seem to only feel pain or at least 98% of the time.

    My health insurance recently approved me for a treatment called TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation). It’s FDA approved (in the U.S.) for major depressive disorder. I really hope it helps.

    I start it towards the end of the month.

    I’m laying here trying to convince myself to take a shower & go to the store, but these normal tasks feel overwhelming.

    Good for you, getting a job. I think about it, but I’m too afraid I will accept a job & not be able to follow through.

  • Claris

    April 7th, 2015 at 4:54 PM

    Let us know how the treatment works for you. Are you on any meds? I’m willing to try anything at this point of the game. It can be so tough at times and I’m tired of it. Just want to feel peace love and happiness without anxiety and stress (like a black cloud following me)
    I just got lectured at work about my shoes. Wtf??? Don’t they have better things to worry about? Good luck and please keep me posted. Xoxoxox

  • samm

    September 24th, 2017 at 9:26 AM

    Can I ask the question to the Cynthia I have read all your responses you have given to the desperate people who have come here. May I ask why you keep saying seek help most depression is treatable there is still hope, when the basis of this blog is for the struggling people who have gone to great lengths to be treated and were basically treatment resistant. What hope is left when all treatment has failed and you keep saying seek help.if most depression is treatable then why are so many of us here reading this blog.I and others here found this blog because we searched why does no treatment work for me.hense your blog confirming not all depression is treatable. So what’s left for those of us migrating here from all different places with this common ground.I wish for once a doc would say the truth not everyone can be helped we don’t have the answers or the cure but we will be here to support you in any way we can.for those of us incurables most medication I was told would help me made me much worse or did nothing at all. Had I had known I was treatment resistant maybe I wouldn’t have tried so many meds and therapists that did more harm than good. Maybe acceptance and understanding this is bigger than what docs or meds can do would help people understand it’s not their fault no treatment is working.

  • J

    April 5th, 2015 at 8:29 PM

    I don’t think it will get better for me until I’m dead. I finally began doing the one thing I thought would at least start to make me happy but now it seems like there’s nothing in the world that can make me happy. I beg God every night to just do something to get me out of here so I don’t have to deal with anything anymore but obviously it doesn’t work. I just want to be done.

  • Claris

    April 6th, 2015 at 6:15 PM

    So please what are the answers to these questions……..
    How does a person live with a chronic disability that can’t be effectively described to those around them? How do people function? How do loved ones take care of them long-term? How do relationships survive?

  • Trev

    April 6th, 2015 at 9:24 PM

    Hi all,
    Claris could I suggest a video by Andrew Solomon
    that may help to answer your questions.

    take care

  • Claris

    April 7th, 2015 at 5:05 PM

    Thank you I’ll check it out

  • Claris

    April 8th, 2015 at 2:32 AM

    Trev thank you very much for recommending Andrews videos, he is great and I really enjoyed them. Best wishes to you. Sincerely C

  • Claris

    April 8th, 2015 at 7:47 PM

    So the days I don’t work I stay in bed all day… It drains me so much mentally to work. I finally got out of bed @ 4pm to brush my teeth. I just tell my husband I have a cold, that’s why I sleep all day and stay in my dark bedroom. I just want to feel alive again. I fall into the darkness way to much My dr says I should walk exercise ect. Easier said than done. I’m paralyzed and can’t move I want my life back. When will the meds work? When will I feel alive again????

  • jennifer

    April 10th, 2015 at 8:34 AM

    I’m 43 divorced mother of three. I have suffered from depression most of my adult life but it’s been really bad for the last 6 years since my last child was born. I can’t get anything done, I feel emotionally paralyzed. I can’t clean, barely take care of the kids and can stay in bed all day. My ex husband is unwilling to help. I am out of money, bills piling up, no job and financially ruined from my ex. At this point if I died at least the debt would be erased. I can’t get myself out of this hole and wonder how did everything fell apart. I just don’t know which way to turn or how to fix things……

  • Claris

    April 10th, 2015 at 6:45 PM

    I’m sending you lots of love and hugs !! You are in my prayers. Hope things get better for you soon. I completely understand feeling paralyzed But you are not alone. Please keep us updated. I couldn’t get out of bed til 3 pm today. My husband is totally clueless and gets angry with me all the time. Wish I was divorced and on my own then I wouldn’t have to deal with him.

  • Michelle

    April 10th, 2015 at 11:53 PM

    I’m 31,female. My biological mother ruined my life.. From the age of 4 she molested me in my parents bed when my father left us for a short time. She continued doing it even when he returned__-he slept in the living room after smoking weed(he is now 51 and still addicted to it ). When I was seven she tried to molest me in our hall, i pulled away from her and asked if she would call me a different name (a boys name, I had invented another person to”be”) she refused and later started violently raping me with her fingers on our bathroom floor when dad was at his brother’s house watching football. She only stopped when I was nine and ended up in hospital with severe stomach pains. They found nothing wrong. They didn’t ask me the question they should have – has anyone hurt you ‘ down there’?she stopped touching me after that but continued other sexual and emotional abuse. When I was eight I witnessed her sexually abusing my baby cousin (male ) one of the times his face was red and he was screaming . I didn’t understand. Now I do . Everything was blocked out until last year in therapy, it all came flooding back. The psychologist told me to have a break from therapy for at least six months. I have been referred back now as I waited seven months. But the National Health Service (uk) will probably make me wait a further eight months because of waiting lists. I have NO SUPPORT. I think I have complex ptsd and dissociative identity “disorder ” and just wish they would give me a lethal injection. I see no point living. It’s all totally futile. I want people to know that mothers can and do sexually abuse children. She works as a complimentary therapist, she is fifty. the thought of her massaging people with the hands that abused me is.. Words can’t describe how it makes me feel.she keeps moving all different places, she’s lived in London, Edinburgh, Anstruther, Hong Kong, new Jersey, now Berkshire in England. All those different places in just the last six years. Her and her rescue dog and her creepy new husband. She has one older sibling, a sister who emotionally abused me. My grandmother got cancer I couldn’t even visit her because SHE would be there. I couldn’t even go to the funeral. I’m basically alone in the world. I wish everyone could know her name and what she did. I know one day I will end my own life, if I can’t get rid of my eating disorder and anxiety I will just end it, probably in the next four years. I’ll give it that long to try and if I fail i will kill myself.

  • Claris

    April 11th, 2015 at 6:56 PM

    Michelle so sorry for all you have gone thru in your life I cant imagine going thru ant of that. . My prayers are with you that you find peace. Hugs C

  • Michelle

    April 14th, 2015 at 10:50 PM

    Hi Claris, thankyou. It sounds like your husband doesn’t understand your feelings, people can’t understand the way we feel unless theyve experienced the things we have. Your dr suggested exercise. I’ve tried that and it didn’t work for me. I get sick of people suggesting things that just don’t work. Like a counsellor suggesting I volunteer, be among people. People are what have caused me the most pain and misery in the first place! That’s what’s wrong with this planet – way too many of the wrong kind of people – – – i.e. – psychopaths!

  • Claris

    April 20th, 2015 at 1:12 PM

    Michele I asked my shrink if he ever suffered from depression….. He said no. I said ok so when you tell me to go exercise blah blah blah then you don’t understand what feeling mentally/physically paralyzed feels like.
    He did say I need to stop drinking to cope and let the meds help and we can work on my problems. Can’t fix problems until I stop drinking with my meds. So I’ve stopped having any drinks and I must admit I do feel somewhat better. But here it is my day off and I’m still in my robe and haven’t even brushed my teeth yet. Fml

  • Michelle

    April 29th, 2015 at 12:03 PM

    Claris, I know how you feel, I got similar advice off my gp yesterday_-have a shower or bath once a week instead of washing at the sink, make yourself walk round the block even if you don’t feel like it!!!?? Good grief :( I go back to “therapy ” in 13 weeks. I am dreading it. Claris please don’t drink if you can. I hope you are okay. Try your best with your teeth too, I’m going to lose all of mine because of my eating phobia and wish I could turn the clock back and take good care of them.

  • Claris

    April 11th, 2015 at 6:58 PM

    So everyone gets kudos at work but me. I feel like such a loser. Just waiting to get fired. I hate to see what happens when they fire me. I’m worried I will fall very very dark and deep.

  • Sue

    April 12th, 2015 at 10:01 AM

    I am 50 years old and have been diagnosed with major depressive disorder 4 years ago. I was a high functioning individual earning 6 figures and working in the canadian arctic for 10 years. I was being harassed by my boss as was one of my coworkers that committed suicide. As a result another close friend of mine tried to comitt suicide and I found her. Happily she survived. As a result of the above it was recommended I move back to central canada for my own mental health. Upon moving back I realized that I had more severe problems than originally anticipated and had a lot of anxiety issues. The friends that I had in the south all abandoned me saying I wasn’t the same person that I was when I left. The company I worked for terminated my employment while I was on long term disability. I went to a severe depression and started going to the casino to keep my mind occupied and to be around people that wouldn’t judge me. After losing 150k I realized what I was doing and barred myself for the casino. Nothing I do works out I can’t seem to get better. I sleep 16 hours a day and spend 7 days a week without contact with anyone other than medical professionals and my lawyer as I am suing the arctic organization for the state I am in. I do not see an end to my situation, have no children and my family lives 1500 miles away. I often think of suicide and feel it is just a matter of time as i feel that nobody understands me and that I have a hard time understanding them….apparently I adopted the northern culture and lost mine according to my phsychiatrist anybody have any suggestions for me…

  • Zoe C.

    May 26th, 2015 at 7:21 AM

    Stop being hard on yourself if you had two broken legs you. Wouldn’t attempt to climb a mountain . Your pain is real and you need to be kind to yourself . In my experience there isn’t a one size fits all cure its getting through the day baby steps give. Yourself permission to change your mind . Other ppl don’t control you at the end of the day its in the choices start each day like a blank page yesterday is gone today is new !! Choices food going outside etc but honey your life is special don’t beat up yourself be kind YOU !! Your past can colour the way youthink but. It doesn’t make you its gone choices are now we all live together under this beautiful sky more nice ppl than bad fact only badnews sells I’m sending you a hug and to let you know ppl can care about other ppl withhout being paid. Or because of some god so in short respect to you and realize yourspecial xexscuse my dyslexia but I mean every word Zoe

  • Wendy

    April 14th, 2015 at 12:25 AM

    I struggle with severe depression. I take meds. SSRI-class meds no longer control it well. I still get suicidal ideation at times, it’s an old bad habit.

    Mood stabilizers seem to be making a difference for me-the anti-seizure class of meds. I also take serotonin precursors, without which none of the rest of it works.
    I understand that ketamine is now being used off-label to treat depression. It works fast. It requires a low dose. Also a doctor willing to use it, as it’s still considered experimental for the purpose of treating depression. It is a fairly safe drug in a low dose. It has been used as a battlefield medicine anesthetic since the 60’s, as it increases respiration rather than suppressing it during operations.

    If you are considering suicide, it makes a lot of sense to try everything less permanent first, right?
    I manage my depression aggressively, the way I manage my asthma. Depression meds can work…not for everyone, but for most people.

  • Wendy

    April 14th, 2015 at 12:33 AM

    ….in addendum, I have post traumatic stress disorder and DID-I am plural inside.
    I went through more stuff than one child could handle, so I became a number of children internally and compartmentalized what was happening. I am still de-repressing what happened. I recently found out I was rented out by dad… as well as used by dad, which I knew.

  • Bill

    April 19th, 2015 at 9:58 PM

    I am 66 and have a guardian due to bad decisions I have made while in the deepest of moments. She too had depression in her life actually trying suicide once. Hers was a once type of problem. I am so very close to suicide myself as everyone tells me I just have to quit feeling sorry for myself and trying to get attention. I would willingly live forever by myself if I could rid myself of this painful burden. Do any of you have any ideas how to get to the point of dealing with the pain and having a future?

  • Wendy

    April 20th, 2015 at 4:51 PM

    Meds, therapy, meditation, socializing,, working out…but finding a pill salad that works has to come first.
    Otherwise I’m too tired and overwhelmed to do anything else.
    I take 4 head meds, along with all the OTC antihistamines you can think of, a mast cell stabilizer, and several supplements that have been found to work for me( 5 htp, quercetin, zinc, vitamin E)
    I eat pills like a pac-man.

    Don’t expect quick results, it takes time to slowly dig yourself out of a bad spell.

    Be kind to yourself, even if you feel like beating yourself up. Being cruel to yourself makes things worse. Feed yourself nutrition, not junk.

  • Wendy

    April 20th, 2015 at 4:52 PM

    Oh…you are not attention-seeking or feeling sorry for yourself. Your pain is very real, important, and deserves to be relieved.

  • Claris

    April 22nd, 2015 at 6:35 PM

    Having a tough time right now. Please respond to me

  • Wendy

    April 22nd, 2015 at 9:58 PM

    This is a blog post, not the most active spot to ask for help at.
    I suggest you search the term ” online mental illness support group “, and look into some of the sites that search will turn up. I hang out on a couple; I’d recommend them but I doubt I am allowed to do so!
    Good support can be had online.

    If you are a threat to yourself, please go to an emergency room. The awful passes.

  • Sharon

    April 24th, 2015 at 6:12 PM

    I’ll reply. A second of knowing someone, somewhere, at sometime today “gets it” is better than every other second in the day, week, month, and years knowing pretty much no one else around you, if you even have anyone around you, does. Or cares. Whether we all got “here” from genetics or life or the combo of both doesn’t matter to me anymore. The point is we are here and the feeling of being trapped in it forever cripples. We will all die(thank god) at some point. Grab every teeny breadcrumb this disease allows you to get from this miserable life, try every med and therapy possible and wait for that merciful day you can punch whatever universal force(if there isn’t one, then great, it’s finally over anyway) in the face for this “gift” of life.

  • natasha

    April 27th, 2015 at 6:18 AM

    I am a 25 year old girl suffering from acute depression at present. I had a privileged life and enjoyed everything be it my work or personal life until few months back. Met a guy fell in love with him. The initial phases was rosy, but then he began to be demanding and controlling. In his demands he asked me to get thin , and nagged me about it over months in some way or other. I took it so severly that i went to gym and lost 10 kgs in 3 months because of stress and workout. Now i am a different personality. I look hideous have lost my body and face and even hair.

    the guy for whom i did all this left me in my worst phase , abuse me tortured me instead of realising that i am in this positions because of his constant nagging. he was so selfish that he choose career over my health and slammed me with dejection and low self esteem. he said i am worth nothng and i dont deserve him.This all made my condition even worse. Fighting wd bad health and abuse lead to my misery. The regret of joining gym for a guy who was selfish and self centered always. Failing to realise that selfish people exist and you cant be blindly be doing things for oders. Now the late realisation and my bad health and betrayl all has attcaked me at once I am suffering from self image issues, low weight , insomnia, trsuting issues. I cant even face people my self confidence and esteem is killed alread by my boyfried. If i dont stop stressing i might soon be doomed.i am living just for my parents sake . I dont want to be a par of selfish world. I feel hopless and low on confidence. I had to leave my job and also when i had a dream job awaiting for me i cudnt take it cause of my health and mental condition. From being to a very hapy person i have turned into A SADIST. I dont know how long i will survive . I want to for my parents bt its getting diff now . 4 months i have gone to every possible doc dermat nothng helps. I am cluded wd negativity and the thoughts of my boyfriend is too painful.

    I want people to realise that its your life , let no one dare to play with it. How much your partner persist you do not chnage yourself until u want to. LET NO ONE CONTROL YOUR THOUGHTS. Make your own decisions and not let any1 make it for you.

    Its your life live, you are the master not your boyfriend not your partner, not your kids.

    Just you!

  • Wendy

    April 27th, 2015 at 11:39 AM

    …You deserve WAY better than that dude.

    …I was 25 when I had a sociopath for a boyfriend.
    It sucks.
    It doesn’t feel like it to you right now, but this will pass, if you just keep trudging.
    You could use therapy, I think?
    Maybe also meds?

    But you were a happy person before the evil ex.
    You can be again.
    You’re in a healing process right now, and healing is hard…but you do heal.

    The world has bad people in it. It has some amazingly good people too.
    …Abusive people tend to come on really fast in relationships, because they can only fake kindness for so long, you see?
    …Give trust slowly, and pay attention to your feelings.

    Be well, keep going.

  • Mo

    May 4th, 2015 at 11:36 AM

    I’m a 58 year old man who suffers from severe episodes of depression. When I was 41 I had an MI and open heart surgery. During my recovery, I fell into a deep depression that I have not been able to shake for any length of time. Seen many psychiatrist and been on lots of Meds over the years. They help for a while and then lose effectiveness over time. As A result of this depression I have lost many jobs and my wife of 24 years divorced me. Recently was hospitalized for heart failure and all of the negative emotions from my first surgery came flooding back. I felt paralyzed by these emotions then and feel the same now only with fewer supports. I can function in my little world, but struggle everyday with feelings of hopelessness and helplessness. My thoughts are dark and full of self recrimination. Sleep does not come easy and is only a short respite from these intense feelings. Back seeking my shrink once a week and am determined get this problem under control once and for all. It truly sucks to be severely depressed.

  • Mark

    May 6th, 2015 at 6:27 PM

    Ur not alone my ex fiance left me after 6 plus years together she didnt think i was healthy enough anemore to be around her and 2 boys she has i also lost my job after 5 years making close to 60 k a year ive fallen real hard and all at one time.. I go to therapy but it just doesnt seem to work anemore my thoughts help me escape from reality but i have many days of isolation n lonlyness its hard to fight as im deal heartbreak and abandament.. Hope u continue ur recovery and relize ur not alone, mark

  • natasha

    May 11th, 2015 at 2:20 PM

    Mark, thanx fr listening to me. VISIT therapist he will help you. EXERCISE join your job get a routine. Just get nto a routine. No mafter how hard it is. I am trying to recover bt it’s bad. You take care.

  • april

    May 7th, 2015 at 5:57 AM

    What do you do when it doesn’t go away, how do you live?

  • Renee

    May 11th, 2015 at 7:41 PM

    I’ve been fighting depression my entire life. Major depression the last 20 yrs. multiple hospitalizations. Suicide attempts, cancer treatment, divorce, now fibromyalgia.
    I’ve self admitted, been forced in etc. Taken every med, had countless diagnosis, countless therapist, pastors, prayers, deliverance, shock therapy 7 treatments 2 rounds. Healing retreats ….
    I’m over it… I’m in another major depressive episode and really I’m
    Done… I want to die… I just want out of this life of mine.

  • Sue

    May 12th, 2015 at 7:01 PM

    Renee I just read your post I relate to nearly everything you said! Treatment resistant depression is the great remover just like addiction! In all the effort and money going into de stigmatising depression (which is great ) no want mentions depression that can’t be cured so it’s like a double whammy. We try everything still suffer and people think we are not trying enough! I’m in the process of trying to accept my depression and create a life with as little stress as possible. It seems to be slowly working but then bang it’s back again. I see a lot of comments people asking what works. I wish I could say I knew but everyone is different and I’m still struggling! Sites like this help me know I’m not alone And for that I’m greatfull.

  • Grace N

    May 22nd, 2015 at 7:21 PM

    I’m 14…I tend to keep everything in because I’m scared people Will judge me or I will bother them. So I have been holding everything in my whole life. At school I always had friends who in the long run ended up bullying me and on top of that for awhile I was really poor and was made fun of that too and as if that wasn’t enough my mother is crippled and my father is abusive. So when I was in the fifth grade every thing went good I had transferred into a catholic school and up until seventh grade everything was good, I was finally friends with everyone and my friends just happened to be in the popular crowd which made me popular and it was fun. My dad had had some sort of revelation and was being nice now and just when I settled in my father was diagnosed with severe heart problems and was having heart attacks every other week almost. I had also felt safe with expressing feelings so I told my best friends and they were so nice. But then something happened, one day my closer friends in the group started ignoring me and I still don’t know why to this day. No one else knew either so that stung but I was okay I said I’ll be fine and just as I started getting over it my dad got better. Father’s day was approaching and I had spent months on his gift but on that fateful morning we found a note that said he was leaving us for a girl he was having an affair with. I was crushed. Just when I had let him in he left. But I kept it in in fear I might make the pain worse. My mother was devastated. So I started cutting myself on my ankle four times everyday. I told myself I’d be okay I still had some friends and family. School had dragged itself out and I was happy until my best friends noticed my cuts. I lied and said It was my cat and they believed me until my cuts kept showing up and one of them said, “Are you sure It was your cat? Do you need to talk?” Being mortified I lied and said it was a thorn bush. One of my friends happened to cut herself and noticed and pulled me aside saying she knew what I had done so I told her and she was there and still helps me. Eventually my cuts had transferred to my knees after my principal noticed so I had to move it. I am very athletic so I play volleyball and people started seeing them and I would lie. Eventually my best friends found out and instead of being supportive they called me names (exceptions of the one who also hurt herself) this only made me cut more and I moved up to my tonight where it started getting seriously deep. My mother had told me she hated me even though she didn’t mean it it still gave me a motive to draw blood. My brothers often were harsh and ganged up on me and my mom never noticed. I got in more and more trouble with teachers. I had become severely suicidal. I often thought and still think of killing myself everyday. But no one knows. I’ve seen my mother glance at my scars but she always acts like she doesn’t see them which hurts. I know she’s found my blades and taken them but I wish she would confront me so I knew she cared. All of this happened in one year. I continue to suffer and I have no one to catch me. I often wonder if people would care If they found me in a pool of my own blood from my opened wrist. I just want to be happy… I’m 14. And I often wonder if I have been depressed most of my life and I just couldn’t recognize it…I just wish someone would notice and not only tell me its okay but make it okay. This started when I was thirteen though its almost been a year. I feel like most people will take this as a joke because I’m 14 but I’ve never had a chance at a normal childhood I’ve had to help my mother raising my brothers when I was little because my dad didn’t care to for awhile. Although I am extremely wealthy now I would give every penny just to feel loved even for just a second. Its so bad sometimes I pretend that there is some imaginary person in my room who gives a fuck about me…too bad life doesn’t have a happy ending. I’m 14 I feel entitled to be happy and have friends. Just for a day…one day

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    May 23rd, 2015 at 11:46 AM

    Thank you for your comment, Grace. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Mia

    June 5th, 2015 at 10:00 AM

    Hello I don’t know why people are so mean in this world and its sad.i know what it feels like to be outcasted and I hate to hear about things like this I would most defiantly be your friend if I had the chance.

  • The Dragon

    May 23rd, 2015 at 12:30 PM

    Grace, your tale is heart wrenching. You *do* deserve better than you have.
    Love, I’m so sorry that everything seems to have gone to hell in a handbasket this past year; I can’t say it’ll get better – I wish I could – but if you want to talk with us, we are there.

  • Joanne

    May 26th, 2015 at 6:15 AM

    I have been reading here for a long time and I relate to many posts here. Severe MDD, treatment-resisten, tried it all for decades and now waiting for the end. Way too long to wait.
    But, I have question: I lost just about every friend and most of family due to this illness. I am not nasty, but the depression is hard to fake any longer. It is obvious if you look at me that I am very depressed. I isolate as a result. My therapist recently traumatized me by blaming me for not trying hard enough, telling me I am a difficult patient (I never miss an apt, never late, took all meds given to me, not nasty, etc., but she says I put roadblocks to everything. How? She also said … and this is what hurts the most .. that it is my fault that I have lost people (friends & family). Reason: she does not know but says that it “must be me” because people don’t just leave you. I did not know what to say and for the last few days I got even worse as I don’t need any more blame. I already get that “out there” and I self-blame and am very hard on myself. I will not be seeing her any more, but need anyone who will provide feedback on this. Is it me? Or is it my illness? Was this therapist out of line? Sorry this post is so long. Thanks for any replies on this issue.

  • Joanne

    May 27th, 2015 at 5:49 AM

    Thank you for your positive reply, but I am still left with my questions which are:
    1. The way in which my therapist traumatized me and
    if anyone on here has experienced this? Being blamed by your therapist for not getting well … being called difficult for this reason?
    2. Whether anyone else can identify with loss of friends and family due to the illness? My therapist also blames this on me.
    I am in need of answers to these questions, as it is very hurtful. Thanks again.

  • Sue

    May 27th, 2015 at 3:44 PM

    Hi Joanne I did experience what you experienced. I was devastated when I needed a letter from a former therapist and found out she implied it was my fault. I left her then and there. I ended up I hospital (psyche) and was given a great psychiatrist who assured me it was my illness not me. Since then due to various moves I have had two other psychiatrists and a psychologist all of whom I was really honest with about my reactions, losing lots of friends including long term ones and what I was doing about it. All have reassured me it was not my fault. I begged them to be honest with me and got the same answer. A lot of people cannot handle chronic illness especially if they can’t see it. Therapists included they have to find a “reason” why “their” therapy or work hasn’t worked! Humanity always searches for an answer like you are doing now. Like I did and still do. I still struggle with treatment resistant depression but I am definitely getting better by nearly removing all negative stress in my life life is stressful but I have very few people in my life now. I still don’t fully trust them after my experiences but they reassure me every day. I had to reach out to organisations online that understand so I didn’t feel alone. All therapists are different but yours was definitely out of line! Good luck getting a new one! Take care. Sue

  • Trev

    May 27th, 2015 at 10:48 AM

    Its not your fault,Full Stop.
    Before I say anything….be as compliant as you possably can,be open to trying new things,where ever possable and within your current state of illness

    This is an insideous Illness that has many many unwanted outcomes in all parts of our lives.
    People,friends,family brothers and sisters,partners,wives,husbands that have never gone experienced Depression and Anxiety,often cant seperate the illness from the person.which result from them withdrawing from You the sufferer
    Many times simply because they in actual fact cant handle the way You may have changed from before the onset of Your Depression.
    So unlike when a person suffers from any other bodyly illness,injury that leaves them incapacitated,that causes people to rally around to help,and wanting to assist in anyway they can to help You on your journey back to health.The oposite happens
    You are not alone in people who suffer Depression having people removing themselves from you and saying we cant help it,we cant handle you anymore,we dont understand,say things like pull your socks up and get over it,your stronger than that,were are you.and expecting you to be who you once were.
    Heres a fact…many Mental health professionals have never actually experienced Depression at all or to the level that this group is talking about Unremitting/Unresponsive Major Depression.they have learnt the theory of it all by studying at uni,or something..(I have had this said to me many times by the “professional” mental health workers i have been associated with over the last 9 yrs)
    here are a couple statements made to me by mental health professionals…”what are you getting out of this”,told by my councellor (who is excellent by the way)that someone had also made the comment to her “whats he getting out of this”,my current Phyc saying “are you sure your not just suffering from lonliness” after telling him that all my family and friends had abandoned me.(My former Phyc left australia to go back to his own country to practice,the best Phyc i ever had)
    No one in the physical health field would ever say to you if you had a major illness,that they couldnt find a cure for or was unresponsive to treatments,get over it,pull your socks up.
    So yes,i have experienced all my family,former friends,work collegues abandon me.
    I have now have only 1 good friend who has understands cause his brother suffered from Depression all his life,who comes and visits with me almost everyday around 4pm for a 1/2 hr or so.My youngest daughter now speaks to me,after a few years of not doing so(she said i stopped seeing you dad cause i couldnt handle seeing you like this,knowing how you used to be)
    i have a partner who originally from the start supported and stood by me,who now doesnt live with me cause again she says she cant handle my depression,your mot the man i first fell in love with(i now call her my part time partner) cause i see here maybe 2 or 3 times a month.
    it all sound negative,but that reality of my life,and sound like yours as well Joanne.
    I dont knw which country you are,or whether you have the option of finding a new councillor/therapist,
    if you can i suggest you do.
    one other thing
    Hypothyriodism have you had your blood tested for this,it is known that wrong functioning of the tyhroid can have the symtom of depression especially in women
    here are a couple of links to help
    hypothyroidmom.com/ (this women is brilliant)
    Take care Joanne and hope i have helped

  • pigbitinmad

    June 2nd, 2015 at 2:07 PM

    It’s called living to 50 years of age when you become unemployable. No, nothing to get depressed about. I wasn’t depressed when I was younger. Angry and resentful yes, but not depressed.

  • Mikey

    June 10th, 2015 at 10:52 AM

    I’m now 58 and have been bipolar and depressed since I was 16. Back when I was young my then Psychiatrist Father didn’t realize it – he and my Mother just treated me as though I was being a teenager, making comments and setting limitations that only served to tick me off more. I thought of killing myself but knew that wasn’t the answer.

    During my life it became self evident I was a talented musician, singer/song writer, poet and short story writer. I made a decent living on the road with a couple bands and a single/duo act…. basically the ONLY time I was actually happy. Now my rig (piano, guitar, mixer, computer, iPad and speaker cabinets) sit idle gathering dust. I don’t write squat, don’t play at all and hate myself for wasting my talent as I am.

    Again, I’ve considered suicide, a detailed pair of plans devised, pondering the thought of “what if death is better – no one “really” knows”, and “the energy my body contains has to go somewhere – though I won’t be “me” anymore, it has to be a better existence than this.” There is no supernatural being some call God, there is no spiritual plan for us or the Universes, and while I know there is something out there tying everything together (kind of like The Force), I am still so alone, miserable and have more or less given up. I spend all my free time watching Netflix and never go or do anything with anyone – including my Son. My friends are gone, no longer wishing to deal with me like this, I don’t ride my motorcycle anymore… It sucks man, so I’m going to sit and wait to die of old age, hoping Netflix can keep the streaming queue interesting enough. I’m out.

  • Mike

    June 10th, 2015 at 5:27 PM

    Hey Mickey, I’m 58 and have been depressed for the past 18 years. I had heart surgery at a young age and have had bouts of depression that make me very non-functional and difficult to hold professional level employment. So here’s what I have done recently to help myself: 1) weekly sessions with psychiatrist, 2) increased Viligence with medication compliance 3) daily structured time out of the house including regular walking. 4) no booze, street drugs or cigarettes. 5) applied For and received social security. 6) at least 1hour every few days in my wood shop. Haven’t built anything recently but I’m warming up to it. Netflix is my buddy too I avoid watching until evenings. Mick, I know it’s hard to carry on When you feel like shut, but Belive me you can and will conquer this. Best, Mo.

  • Liam

    June 14th, 2015 at 10:10 PM

    It breaks my heart to hear and read about the devastating circumstances many of you have endured, My name is Liam I’m 20 and the last year of my life has been a living hell. I was prescribed a medication for my acne which was without my knowledge designed for chemo therapy, it basically ages your entire body by drying you out, whilst on the medication and in the space of a year I lost 18 kilo’s in water weight my hair since fell out my joints cause me agony, I’m chronically fatigued, I’m now essentially allergic to the sun my hands look 60 years older than they are due to how much it thinned my skin, severely reduced vision and overall I’m ridiculously ill. In addition to my physical health I have daily panic attacks anxiety about how to cope with the things I’ve caused it’s horrific and has thrown me into a depression I could never have imagined, I’ve been in the psychiatric ward 3 times in the last 6 months and fantasise about killing my self all day everyday, I don’t want to die but I don’t want to live like this.

  • GoodTherapy Admin

    June 15th, 2015 at 9:51 AM

    Thank you for your comment, Liam. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Wendy

    June 15th, 2015 at 12:12 PM

    @ Liam:

    This dude describes the same gods’ awful array of side effects.

    I have very, very little formal medical training, and have not heard of the potential side effects of Accutane.
    Therefore I can only pass along the link and info, not even make a suggestion.

    If you try what this fellow is doing, be VERY aware of the symptoms of serotonin toxicity.

  • Mo

    June 22nd, 2015 at 11:56 AM

    Liam, your situation sounds like a side effect of the medication. The pharm company has stopped making the stuff after many, many high dollar (millions) pay outs to settle the cases. They say it was an economic decision. It sounds like you could benefit from some some counseling to help you better cope with your situation. Remember that none of this is your fault and that you are still a kind and deserving person. Please use the resources that the page has made available to sort through what’s going on. I would also encourage you to seek some legal advise to determine if the pharma company can assist with some of your medical services. I wish you well and again urge you to take advantage of the resources this page provides. Mo

  • M.

    June 21st, 2015 at 8:56 PM

    All I do is feel worthless and ashamed of myself. I feel like I’m a bad, bitter person and that it’s absolutely certain that god and the universe is out to get me. It almost feels like my life doesn’t seem right if I didn’t have a huge ongoing issue. The 30% of my life that does go right just feels like good luck, that I just barely managed to get by okay and that I was for a few minutes there able to escape the claws of Satan. I always want to know why is that? Is it because I grew up in a severely dysfunctional family where everyone screams at each other and my parents make me feel like s@^%? That I’ve accepted it as normal, that the kind of turmoil I was exposed to is normal, that feeling like you’re in h#$% is normal because we all are? I have never faced my feelings because my whole life I have convinced myself that there are so many kids in the world that have it worse then me and I should feel gratitude for that. Even though there are plenty of kids in bad situations it doesn’t mean that all of the feelings I have been bottling up inside need to be dismissed. Nobody understands the things my parents have said to me and it hurts talking about it because in my house, that is whats normal and we all do it so I should shut up. No it isn’t normal, I have grown up hearing insults and bad names since I was 11 and you are two grown adults with fully developed egos. They never had to grow up getting smacked with that level of screaming and wretched name calling, but now that I’ve started doing It we’re “equal”. I had to grow up and absorb the s&%# my mom said to me and will have to carry that for the rest of my life. She never had to go through that but since I started calling her names back we’re even and i’m just as bad. I f-ing hate everything and all the emotional s&%$ I had to deal with, all the damage that this all did to me and my parents not even giving a s@$^. Yeah counseling my a**, when I open up about it to the counselors they just get mad and call me a trouble starting b#$%* for telling people our business. My mom has came up to me and called me a b*&%$/s#%^ random times for no reason and will start saying I’m a piece of s*&^ witch out of nowhere and my dad just tells me I have to deal with it, that that’s how she’s been since they got married. She says horrible things about my grandmother that she is a old b$&^@ who sits on her a** all day and she hopes she dies when she is just a lovely, quiet old woman that is disabled and never even did anything to her. And when I asked her how she could say such horrible things she just said shut up you’re mental too. Like wtf? I feel so bad and beat up on the inside from all of the things my dad and mother have said to me, the worthlessness I feel is so paralyzing that moving out is the exact opposite of what I want to do. I feel like It’s my duty to stay until I win, that that’s the only way I can lift my anger, because all this time they just justified everything they did and they can never be wrong. It hurts talking about all of this, I don’t know why. I feel ashamed of myself and my situation.

  • GoodTherapy Admin

    June 22nd, 2015 at 10:57 AM

    Thank you for your comment, M. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Jcall

    July 5th, 2015 at 8:58 AM


    I sit here reading your post as a mother who wants to reach out and hug you and tell you that you are not a piece of garbage, you are a beautiful person. You need to find a way to distance yourself from the berating family and start a new. Break the cycle. You have it in you, I can tell from your posts. You are reaching out and that is a step. Don’t let your family bring you down, break away from that if you can and start over, give yourself that opportunity. You are not like them. Hugs to you and know I am praying for you to find the live you so deserve.

  • Donna

    July 1st, 2015 at 7:05 PM

    Suffering from depression, anxiety, panic disorders as well as ptsd. All of these for most of my life. I have bouts of SI thoughts and have had plans. Newest dx of hearing voices makes this more serious for me. TX of multiple different meds, psychatric and psychological treatment. I have done mindfullness, self help books and cds on depression and anxiety. They are all just temporary bandaids before the blackness comes again. I tell myself there are thousands with worse situations and it doesnt help. I have had a very difficult time working, family care, socialize, and self care. I go up and dowm constantly. I am again going down a dark hole and feeling I am at the end, I can’t go on struggling hour to hour and day by day. I am so sick of myself my place in this life even more I am sick of being in pain and hopeless. I am Empty and am without any more strength. I have no one that understands me except maybe my psychs and they are paid to do that. My husband doesn’t hear me and no family knows, I can’t tell them. I am about to go back to work and I hope I don’t screw this up again. I hope I feel better tomorrow. Any advice?

  • mmadttog

    July 13th, 2015 at 8:00 AM

    I posted my pitiful loser of a life story on April 27th, 2014 and just following up I noticed I got ZERO responses. I guess that was another in the 13 years of crushed spirits and rejection I always receive. But the good news is I’ve written all my letters and taken care of all the loose ends and the date is set.
    Invisible and so very weary.

  • GoodTherapy Admin

    July 13th, 2015 at 9:18 AM

    Thank you for your comment, mmadttog. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Sara

    July 26th, 2015 at 6:09 PM

    Oh my…I so get it. I just deactivated my facebook account because no one responds. If it wasnt for my cats, id be checking out too.
    God I want to feel normal. Why cant we find our way out of this hole? I’m responding. Don’t go anywhere.

  • Dragon

    July 13th, 2015 at 9:34 AM

    mmadttog, I’ve also noticed here that there’s very little real communication. “Go consult one of our shrinks” all too often isn’t helpful. Most of us have been seeing shrinks for years and still suffer from bouts of depression. Can I ask you to join me and my forum at chronicsuicidesupport.com/forum where I guarantee you’ll get a response.

  • Chs

    July 18th, 2015 at 12:00 PM

    I have dealt with severe depression and persistent anxiety disorders for all of my adult life. I am thankful, with the help of medication and therapy, for all the things that meant the world to me in that life–a twenty-year marriage, meaningful work, intellectual pursuits, a passion for the arts, physical fitness. But in the end depression took away all those things from me. I am at the point now that my condition has incapacitated me from performing almost any daily function. If not for the support of my family I would be living in the streets, or, more likely, dead. I just wanted to say that, based on my experience, people with depression, given half a chance, fight valiantly to do as much as they are able in life. I no longer want to live, but am grateful for the chance to have lived the life that I had.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    July 18th, 2015 at 6:51 PM

    Thank you for your comment, Chs. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Moe

    July 18th, 2015 at 8:30 PM

    Hello Chs, I’m in the same boat as you with depression most of my adult life. Have lost a long term marriage, a profession and the list goes on. I developed a heart condition at a young age and suffered some Brian injury as a result of the longopen heart surgery. After surgery my mood became depressed and I began to self isolate. Saw multiple doctors, counsellors with only limited success. Cardiac Medications tended to snow me and left me with no energy. I found a psychiatrist I could work with and see him every week. I’m taking two meds together that have helped quite a bit (Wellbutrin and CElixa). There meds are not in high doses bit just enough to keep my mood in check. I also have started a daily walking routine and walk every day. As the wether changes, I shift from walking outdoors to walking at the mall. I find that this walking is a must. I like you didn’t want to do anything but am fairly active at this point. Chs, keep going to your doctor and keep taking the meds he/she is prescribing. There is hope and you can and will feel better. I urge you to get involved in some talk therapy or group therapy if you are currently not involved. This website has lots of information and can help you find a qualified therapist. Chs stay well. Mo

  • Lis

    July 21st, 2015 at 3:35 PM

    I have had severe depression, punctuated by less severe bouts of mania, all my life. I am now 43. Still single. Still raging at past let downs and catastrophic hurts, and now accentuate this to abuse of all of my family and friends. To the point I literally have no one left. It’s just me. Day in. Day out. But now just have no reason, no will, to bother. I haven’t spoken to anyone socially, at all, for over six months. I havent left the house aside from the super market for over six months. I have spent over 20 years fighting this, working, being relatively successful. But it was never me. It was my charade on top of the despair. And I do just wonder if perhaps some of us just weren’t destined to be here. I see no improvement from years of medication. I bore myself at therapy now. Does anyone have any form of success story from this point? I’ve been there, done it. Over and over and over. And there is now little else to look forward to on top of everything else than having the charity shop display my possessions when I die alone. Not suicidal, just long term alone.

  • Kathi

    July 24th, 2015 at 11:11 AM

    I am 58 years old and have been depressed most of my life. I feel like God is punishing me and that there is something wrong with me that I can never correct. I had a stressful childhood, but no abuse or neglect, and I have had some successes in life, though these seem like just luck. I am have been on meds long term (and have gained 90 lb. as a result), and they help up to a point, but I cry every day and never really feel happy or at peace. I keep on trying to solve this problem of depression without success. I have had years of therapy, ECT treatments, hypnosis…..everything helps a little, nothing helps a lot. And now, three years ago, I lost my husband, and from that point my life was over. I am basically just walking around waiting to die now. It doesn’t seem fair.

  • Lis

    July 29th, 2015 at 3:49 PM

    Without judgement, I find it very hard to relate. You had a partner. I’m sure his death was appalling. But you say life has been terrible constantly prior to this, and you are negating their presence. How therefore would it have been if they weren’t there and how therefore, did your loss make it worse? If their death was tragic, surely you must appreciate the positive input. From someone who has genuinely had to do this alone, for years, and years, I find this indulgent.

  • Matt 2

    July 28th, 2015 at 11:56 AM

    Hello to all and nobody in specific, I’ve been following this site for quite a while now and also posted on it (january 13th this year). Nothing much has changed for me except that I have managed to get back into regular work, well seasonal work, for the moment. Still am friendless, have no relationships casual or serious, I am very much an empty shell with nothing to offer any partner emotionally.
    I just wanted to drop a message because I notice a lot of people just post their story and don’t really get any help or response/feedback, but is I doubt anyone with severe depression will actually even listen to good advice because when you’re depressed the irrational side will just dismiss anything that isn’t some guaranteed quick fix. I want to say that although my life is crap and I feel no excitement for anything and get no enjoyment out of anything but getting high and doing nothing, small things do help the day go by. Getting into a routine however mundane that routine is makes the day go faster. Things like the ‘go and walk around the block’ you may dismiss this because people make it sound simple when to you it is like an impossible task..push yourself to do it anyway I’m telling you when you force yourself and you get back from the walk you do actually feel slightly better for having done SOMETHING with the day and also it gets slightly easier every time if you just keep reminding yourself nothing bad happened the last time so nothing bad is going to happen this time. Fill your day with small things to do even if it doesn’t stimulate you it makes time pass faster. There is no simple solution sorry to say all you can do is keep yourself distracted and hope over time some things will get better, I know this advice isn’t brilliant but if you have not actually done this stuff you really need to.. Things get ever so slightly better for me over time doing these small things so I’m kind of sick of people dismissing the simple advice because it sounds patronising or like it just won’t help you. Fact is there is no other way and if you don’t try hard at it nothing will change. I’m not trying to be hard nosed here because I do understand I am going through it I hate life I know how hard it is and I want to help others, but I see so many just dismiss or like try something small once and then give up ’cause it didn’t have immediate results. You’re going to have to work hard just to do the stuff that others seem to do with ease but even the hard work trying..makes you feel something, gives you a little self worth..reminds you that you are alive. Sorry if you think I’m full of sh!t and also sorry for the bad grammar/punctuation, but please e-mail me if you want to talk, or someone else put what has helped them a bit because all I see on this site is people’s problems followed by another persons problems but no solutions offered probably making the person who posted their problems beforehand feel worthless I’m sure.

  • Wendy

    July 28th, 2015 at 11:48 PM

    I have not figured out how to get contact info from this site to email anybody.
    Things that work: Support forums with interaction, working out, depression-bipolar support alliance groups, cleaning ( right now I am not doing so well; I have enough fruit flies to run a genetics research study in my kitchen…) books, talking to friends/family, going out and having a coffee while reading or drawing in public…Meds.
    I am on four different psych pills and a supplement…and without the psych cocktail being right nothing else I do has a chance to work. Not that the meds are magic, but they help.
    …a lot of living with depression is just to keep trudging in the cement boots, really. Make yourself do what will work even though it takes a huge effort.
    I also have PTSD and a peculiar flavor of multiple personality…um…stuff. This from severe childhood abuse…much of which I repressed, and am still getting back. Which is just wonderful ( barf ).
    …Sharing, face-to-face, with others who feel just as cruddy as yourself? Oddly relieving. We’re all pushing the same d*** boulder up the hill, and it’s going to roll back down any minute now.
    So, that’s what works? Hope that was helpful.

  • Dragon

    July 29th, 2015 at 7:23 AM

    Matt as one who runs a forum for depression and chronic suicide, your comment makes perfect sense to me. (Need I add that I’m also a depressive suffering from Chronic Suicidal Thoughts?)
    Sometimes (often) it’s impossible to do the simplest things because I just don’t care (rephrased from “don’t give a ‘darn'”) but you’re right, stepping out of the “I don’t feel like I can …” is often the breaking point for depression.
    I’d be pleased if you’d come join our discussion at chronicsuicidesupport.com/forum … there aren’t a lot of us there, but we have some people who have a long term relationship with depression and just talking to someone “who’s been there” (or “who is also there”) can be a big help making it through the day.

  • Matt 2

    July 29th, 2015 at 11:06 AM

    Awesome advice there @Wendy, I meant to say my comment is not aimed at people with bi-polar or other more serious conditions as obviously things are a lot more complicated for those guys and I have no clue what that is like really. Also thank you Dragon I will give it a look although I may wait until I’m having a better week ehe I hate to try and socialise with new people when having a bad week. I think others may read your comment and check it out also though which is good, so happy to see some advice and idea’s posted rather than just problems piled onto problems. Sorry about the e-mail thing I just assumed because I had entered it that it would appear somewhere, I’d put it here now but after seeing Dragon’s post I think his forum would be a better place to seek support than just me on my e-mail. Much love to those who are suffering, I need to go take a long bath right now as that boulder was rather heavy today ^^.

  • Dragon

    July 29th, 2015 at 4:30 PM

    Wendy, not making light of your MPD, we have a lady on the forum who also has MPD and we regularly get to listen to her, as you so quaintly phrase it, barf. There are times that she and her alters ‘get along’ and then there are times that they’re off doing their thing, leaving her wondering what happened to the last x number of hours. Because we’ve ‘enjoyed’ the occasion when one of her alters posts for her, we all tend to take it with a grain of salt and as much humour as possible but I also realize how frustrating, to put it mildly, the situation can be for her.

    Matt2, you can just jump in, we don’t bite (much or often, anyway). There are times when we hold general easy going chatter threads and then there are times we hold a full fledged pity party (with appropriate sympathy) and then there are those times where someone is just holding on and we all try to help them make it for just a bit longer.
    If you (no one specifically) are imminently suicidal we’ll chat with you but one of the two standing rules is that you may not discuss anything that sounds like “methods” (legal liability issues); the other rule is simply act courteously if you can and if you can’t then please address the issue, not the person.
    As I said, we don’t bite much or often….

  • Lis

    July 29th, 2015 at 7:47 PM

    I kinda find this forum incredibly self satisfying and intensely purile. Clearly everyone feels they are in the same boat. Except those that maintain that some kind of positive force takes their boots out of the cement etc. if I could do that, I would not be here. We are not imbeciles. All those ‘talk’ ‘walk’ ‘smile’ posts are incredibly disingenuous and simply show that you are not in the same place as ‘we’. Do you not think we have already rationalised as intelligent yet sad beings, that basic day to day activities might help and
    tried those? Are you asserting that no one here has pestered their physician, googled and asked and asked again for something other than this wank? Personally, I think we are all settled to our fate as incurable depressives. I’ve put my heart into every suggestion. Yet still. We are looking to something new or profound. If it’s not there, don’t give me the ‘go walking’ crap. If you have no new information, don’t patronise with this kind of purile sh#t. Good for you if that’s all it takes, and in which case, I doubt you should be here.

  • Dragon

    July 30th, 2015 at 10:21 AM

    Lis, maybe this is the type of purile comment to which you’re referring. Depression or continual sadness (or the plethora of other emotions that depression display) covers such a range that, as you seem to have found, nothing works for everyone and something that did work six months (days) ago doesn’t now. None of us know, specifically, where you are, what you’ve tried (meds and otherwise) so when a suggestion is offered it’s not meant to be condescending – it’s offered in good faith as something that may have worked for them for a time.
    If you’ll excuse me for saying that I, at 68, can relate to accepting “our fate as incurable depressives”. Do I have a hope that I’ll ever be “normal”? Nope, not a chance. I think though that accepting that this is our fate – that we’ll have better days and worse days; days where we’re feeling great (but those, for me are rare) and days where I just want this world to stop and please, LET ME OFF! – often goes a long way to easing the tension we pose with the question of “Why can’t *I* be normal?”. I wish I could provide one person – me – with the answer to that question, I can’t so I do accept that for me “normal” is being fed up, disgusted, frustrated and depressed. We all are, to use your example, all in the same boat – just that some days it’s barely afloat.

  • Lis

    August 7th, 2015 at 4:26 PM

    Dragon, your phrase ‘let me off’ encompasses it and is one of the few sentiments on this site that I can utterly, utterly empathise with to its very nuance, I just want to connect with how to deal with this, after years of acknowledging it. I have asked for ECT to literally do that. But no. Ineffectual antidepressants. Wait and see. GPs are happy to say this. Per post above, I don’t believe that it is that easy to change your life experiences, your genetic history, and their affect on your brain, I was simply asking for something from what looked like a last chance saloon that I hadn’t heard of. ‘Go for a walk’. Isn’t it….

  • Wendy

    July 30th, 2015 at 10:48 AM

    @ dragon I’m fortunate in that they sort of ” operate through ” me, and have only taken fully over on a bare handful of occasions…but having a group of people emote through me is overwhelming. This happens a lot lately. Anyway, off topic.

  • Matt 2

    July 30th, 2015 at 12:14 PM

    Apologies if I insulted your intelligence Lis, like I said in the post I’m not trying to patronise and some will think I’m full of sh!t, but I am genuine..and though those things do nothing for you, yes they help me very SLIGHTLY and so surely can help others slightly or more-so? This is about depression right, however severe, so please don’t insinuate that I should not be here giving my opinion/saying what helps me get by. This is not a competition of who has it the worst, I find your comment to be completely non-constructive and a bit venomous actually. I was just trying to bring the topic back around to things that can help a person with depression get by in life, not offering a cure or saying that those things will fix depression but I think it’s a little more constructive than just posting my problems woe is me. One person may have read my post or Wendy’s and been infused to keep trying, I know this because when I have been so irrational for a long time I have come across simple suggestions which made me snap and realize that I had not been looking after myself in the most basic ways. My comments were not aimed at people who try and try and try for nothing(like myself half the time) It’s aimed at people like myself 10years ago, it may not relate well to you but sorry..what makes you the judge of what can help or not help anyone with depression, just because it does not help people with more severe problems?

  • Lis

    August 7th, 2015 at 4:04 PM

    No, I’m not insulted. But, if you feel comments such as ‘ go for a walk’. It MIGHT help….suit a ‘when depression can’t be cured’ thread…. I find it irksome. I have no doubts your intentions are entirely true. But, I don’t feel they are appropriate to this site. I went through every other site on the net to find one that sounded like it might relate to 40 yrs of intelligent and aware utter desolation, and wishing there were a Dignitas for sad people. I’m taking the word depressed out here deliberately. I genuinely believe that seriously, seriously sad people, who have endured pain, aren’t ‘depressed’. In a clinical sense that allows society to conceive that a drug fixes all our human ails. I don’t like life. It hasn’t liked me. I don’t believe that a drug that makes my brain try to pretend it is happy with all its incumbent processes will forget what makes it sad. I have tried. In the form that it is currently incarnated, I don’t fit. I don’t agree with what goes on. And I would rather not be here. Having felt that constantly, whilst being a productive ‘walking’ member of society for pretences sake all my life, I was looking for something else, and I would hope that some honest talking here would guide. I would like to think that those who seek this site in early stages can see the difference and try, if, like you, they seem to have the capability. If you are able to have these happy thoughts for other people, then I genuinely don’t believe you are where we are. I want my brain rebooted. My memory erased, my developed personality reprogrammed. As if I had been living with monkeys. That is what when depression can’t be cured is….

  • Matt 2

    July 30th, 2015 at 4:20 PM

    Actually@Lis I retract anything I said and apologise..again, on reflection I see that this is probably not the best place for the simple advice and I certainly don’t want to get at you for voicing frustration..wish I could delete the last post but seems I can’t so just ignore me. I should not have posted that stuff here, I’d feel terrible if anything I’ve said affected you negatively but that would be insulting your intelligence again I’m sure as you’re probably used to fools. ^^ Just bytheby @Dragon I’m sure you know already but many ‘normal’ people ,I’ve known at least, are indeed deeply unhappy and just have mastered how to bluff it, and I have seen many ‘popular’ socialites who were extremely lonely ended up burning out and committing suicide. The most genuinely happy people seem to be so because they just don’t think..I wish I could just not over think everything because ignorance really is bliss. I think being fed up, disgusted, frustrated and depressed is far closer to normal than you may think, about 70% of people I meet are on anti-depressants. Even higher % goes for ages 60+ drugs like citalopram are as common as paracetamol. Not saying that ‘we’ are in a majority exactly, but A LOT of people are unhappy and struggle just not to the same degree.

  • Divya

    July 31st, 2015 at 10:48 AM

    M seriously suffering from severe depression from 3yrs.the worst part is i hv recognised it after loosing everything in my life.no one has never try to understand my condition instead they have hated me fr this nature.m jst 23 now bt hav to bear thz pain lyflong.i really want to go far away nd stay wit people who hav similar prblm nly a depressed person can understand the other one who is suffering.

  • Erich

    August 2nd, 2015 at 8:42 AM

    1st time here. I am suffering from so many tragedies over the last year. Death of girlfriend, loss of home and job do to a horrible mistake that made me a felon. Motorcycle crash that broke my wrist. Therapy says ,”things will get better”, but I can’t find the will to see it. I can’t see how meds will help me. I don’t want to sound like self pity, but I’m really scared for myself. I used to love life, but it seems that I’m losing my will quickly. Please be kind and respond nicely. I can’t take anymore ,” just get over it”. Thank you

  • Lis

    August 11th, 2015 at 5:00 PM

    Guys. Both. We all go through hideous periods of life. I go through them. Are you sure this is depression and not trauma?

  • Nightsong

    August 3rd, 2015 at 5:12 PM

    @Wendy, I’m the one(s) that Dragon referred to on the Chronic Suicide Support forum. (chronicsuicidesupport.com/forum) They’re really good about putting up with my alters, and I agree- having to sort it all out is BARF! I’d love to see you, @Matt, and anyone else that is interested to join us. We’re a small but great group- the kindest and most understanding I’ve ever met. Hope to see you there!

  • Dragon

    August 4th, 2015 at 6:54 AM

    Matt, to a degree I’ll agree with your comment that everyone is suffering from some degree of depression. As an example, when a parent dies. we grieve their death; if that grieving process tends to be extreme we might lose a girlfriend and / or we might lose our job. To me the defining part of chronic depression comes into play when we don’t begin to “bounce back” after a month or a few months. We still remember the parent / lover who was a part of our life but those memories aren’t as crushing as they were. We who have chronic depression may bounce back for a day or a week, but then we ruminate on the parent and crash back into the depths. I think the normal person has their ups and downs but in general the good days far outweigh the bad ones; I’ve lived with chronic depression for so long that THAT has become my norm, Normally I can see when something has triggered me and catch myself before I go off the edge, sometimes I go whole hog into “leave me alone” I want off this stupid world now!! @Wendy, you and Nightsong should visit on our forum and compare notes (tongue in cheek) I’m sure it should prove interesting. NightSong doesn’t mention how valued she is as a member. @Erich you quite sincerely have my sympathy those things we do that have serious, life long ramifications can really screw up our “self worth” (which probably wasn’t all that great to being with). Give yourself time to realize that what you do is not who you are and while society is pretty unforgiving, you can forgive yourself if you use the mistake as an opportunity to learn.

  • Mike

    August 4th, 2015 at 2:59 PM

    I have had major depression (recurrent severe) since heart surgery some 17 years ago. Been on a boatload of medications over the years that help for a while and then stop working. Currently on a cocktail of Wellbutrin and selexia. Works only to a point. Dr just prescribed DEPLIN as an adjunct to current meds. Has anyone had any experience with DEPLIN as an adjunct to current meds? Be interested to read your comments.

  • Lis

    August 11th, 2015 at 1:48 PM

    All. Does anyone have any response to mikes question re meds? Is this a completely self serving thread? I have nothing to offer I’m afraid Mike as not familiar with those specific prescriptions. Matt? Rather than expounding on the extensive personal experiences that you find in response to other people’s queries, do you have anything that will actually help a practical question? Please, anyone with practical advice please don’t just read and ponder and wander away, please provide some sort of help if you can. I’m certainly not going to suggest going for a walk.

  • Matt 2

    August 5th, 2015 at 11:29 AM

    Thank you for the insight Dragon I agree, a lot of what you’re saying is true to how I’ve felt also. Personally now I have lost grasp of how depressed I am because I get high and distract myself just so I don’t really feel anything and doing nothing feels more bearable. I feel like I haven’t grieved fully for most people I loved who died, I stopped myself from really thinking about the pain at the time so that I could hold it together(not by getting high then) and if I try to go to that place in my mind now the emotion is too much to ever stay long enough so yeah it’s almost like normal people can feel the stages of grief and move on eventually with their lives but for me my depression stops me ever moving on from it so it’s just a constant struggle blocking it all out so I don’t just break down. Thanks for sharing and just by the way I had a look at your site looks ok but the security may be a bit iffy it told me I was the IP of a known spammer(Which I assure you I am not) ^^ but yes, take care of self.

  • Lis

    August 11th, 2015 at 3:51 PM

    Matt please from what I can see from the history of this site you are here simply to tell people of your woes in response to others woes, or to tell them to go for a walk. I think we all here have woes and history. On or off drugs which you seem to like to emphasise that you are on. Surely let’s start a thread that actually supports unbearable depression and doesn’t encourage self indulgence. I know the difference, Can anyone here talk about something practical? I hate,to,sound negative but for me, sexortat, sertraline, peroxat, (UK) haven’t worked. Looking for something else. If you are able to add from experience, with a practical response please,do. What’s working drug wise, therapy wise? I’d love to know if you really are,on this site or just being a,little,self indulgent….

  • Lis

    August 11th, 2015 at 4:29 PM

    So, I guess what would be more useful than individual tales,of,woe,which we all have or trust us we wouldn’t be here….what drugs are working? Under which curcumstances? (No one drug for all). Anything added that made a difference? Any therapies that seem to jolt? I would LOVE to know. I am about to start emotional freedom therapy. Yes they all,seem like wank but I’ll tell you if it has any effect. Please, be here and add to a database of techniques for severe depression. Above and beyond the compromising ‘go for a walk’, ‘exercise’ etc. and please don’t be here to lecture when you are simply high or pissed. We all know that helps no one. Add your stories, meds indications, therapy breakthoughs here IF it can signpost something to someone else. If you are simply here to whine, go someplace else. If you have never been offered any of these then perhaps you aren’t where this forum states it is (should be) at at. Genuinely, all, the web is an astounding thing in connecting people and my first attempt that someone might give me a direction to something that might work, after years. Not months. We have never had it so lucky in looking for likeminded people in an immense world who can connect to us. This forum is for severe long term depression. Please add by your comments, if you have something that will help, if not, please find a more appropriately titled forum. If this site can’t reduce the agony of long term depression, let’s just stop it and remove the agony aunt status.

  • Blayre

    September 2nd, 2015 at 7:02 PM

    Didn’t someone mention that this site is a BLOG, and NOT a FORUM? Yes, it is obviously here to help people with the most debilitating of depression. But it seems to me like you are trying to take over for the whole. I agree with some of what you have said. I disagree with your comment about people whinning and complaining. Pain is pain, Lis. Whether great or minute. And all people with all forms of depression should be allowed to express themselves on any blog, or forum, regardless of what type of depression. I am sure we can learn from, and help, anyone. Even if it’s just for a short term. So far, I’ve seen you basically monopolize the comments section and that frustrates me. As I am sure you are valueable, as any other responder on here, IMHO, I think you need to reread your posts and slow your roll. Or, make your own blog.

  • Blayre

    September 2nd, 2015 at 7:11 PM

    P.S. Who are you to tell anyone to,” go someplace else”?

  • Lis

    August 11th, 2015 at 5:10 PM

    I am appalled that no one here seems to want to help others over simply whining about their ills. If you want a wet nurse, diffent site. So many others, Samaritans etc. if i can help you with approaches, meds will do. Unfortunately this site preoccupied with moans and no dialogue.

  • Mike

    August 12th, 2015 at 12:49 AM

    Lis, I was trying to be constructive when I asked about the new medication deplin and had indeed hoped that someone had some insight for me from their experience. Guess it’s too much to ask or expect that others that are in a similar situation (depressed) could share their insight. Not pissing and moaning and hope others that want to find another place to do so. Just because one is depressed is no excuse for sitting on the sidelines of life or attacking those who offer solid insight how they cope day to day, week to week. I’m slowly emergimg from the fog…

  • Lis

    August 13th, 2015 at 7:51 PM

    Yes, I utterly agree with you. I’m just hoping that any insight, proper,insight might emerge. Like I say, I can offer lots of what doesn’t work. I wish this were different, and I just wish comments weren’t restricted to tales of ones life over constructive help.

  • Blayre

    September 2nd, 2015 at 7:09 PM

    ” if you want a wet nurse..” ?!?!
    Is this your idea of contructive commentary especially on a blog like this? Or is this YOUR WAY of pacifing your own need to rant and be consistently “right”?

  • Dragon

    August 12th, 2015 at 9:16 AM

    @Mike while the forum at chronicsuicidesupport.com has been really slow, I’m sure someone over there could comment on Deplin I’m normally unmedicated but I know several members over there have tried a cornucopia of drugs at various times – I wouldn’t be surprised if one of our members could comment on their experience with it.
    @Lis, I think that one of the releases that many people find for them is the ability to just set down and talk about what’s going on with them – in a non-judgemental place. Since there are few comments from the admin here, I think many have found this a safe place to let off steam. If I might, being critical because there isn’t a lot of conversation here is, IMHO, no reason to criticize those who do come here because the anonymity is safe for them. Sorry, but that’s how you’re coming across to me.
    You seem, again to me, to not want to use the word “depression” and then to on to ask if something might not be trauma rather than depression when trauma is often one of the antecedents to clinical depression. Likewise, extended sadness is depression. If you’re suffering from sadness at a loss, or anger because of some trauma then you are truly suffering from depression. (er, you used in the general sense here, not you personally)

  • Lis

    August 13th, 2015 at 7:45 PM

    Yes I get your point Dragon. I just think we’re not in a forum for ‘ I think I might be depressed’ or ‘my boyfriend left me’…. I would genuinely hope that similar long term sufferers like me, and probably you, came here for a little more global knowledge. Vocalising is great. Specifically asking for experience with meds and being ignored, (Mike), isn’t. I think being ignored, rather than even being told ‘no but I empathise’ is soul destroying. In a way that most people here would associate with. I’d love to know what hasn’t worked. Drug wise. I maintain my ascertain that there is only a certain level of drug realignment that will aid a traumatised brain. Half the problem is we are such intelligent souls. I pray (I’m not religious) that my brain can find something to prove this wrong. I will also maintain that suggesting ‘go for a walk’ ‘ exercise’ ‘talk it out’ aren’t reasons why anyone looked for a different site to ‘soyouthinkyoumightbedepressed.com’ . The fact that admin are not interrupting this dialogue speaks volumes. They, don’t, know., either.

  • Matt 2

    August 12th, 2015 at 11:24 AM

    Lis, I’ve already apologised as much as I’m going to, I already said why I put the advice I did and what kind of person it was aimed at AND apologised for my mistakes..then I open up a bit to Dragon and you’re now giving me attitude about that too splurged over several non-constructive posts, leave me alone and move on now please? Why keep pointing out that was bad advice when I already apologised and retracted it.. I could tell you some therapy/drugs that have failed for me but frankly I do not wish to put anything personal now when there are people around who just want to judge and basically act passive-aggressive towards me whatever I say.
    Yes I posted a ‘woe is me’ about 6months ago which is why I was saying in the 2nd post I wasn’t just going to post a woe is me that time(I don’t mean woe is me as an insult by the way) but offer some things that helped me through for a while, as I’m sure I’ve seen some teenage posts in here before but anyway I digress as I already retracted that etc. Literally do you see how contradictory all of what you’re saying is it’s hard to explain how to see it on the internet, but in life I’d view it as; you say one thing and then do the opposite, because that’s kind of how you’re being here. You’re reminding me of a really bad doctor or therapist heh.

  • Lis

    August 13th, 2015 at 7:25 PM

    My one comment that was directed to you Matt, was indeed addressed to you. My generic comment about people using this site without gain did therefore include your name but was not directed at you, more the site. If you took it as a personal attack over an overall observation including examples, then I understand why. I have no advice for people who have tried everything, or are here because they think they have. I wish I did. Hence i think it’s so important to respond to people with even a “no I don’t know” rather than turning this thread into a one to one or one to none “my life” commentary. In all my posts do you know anything more about me than my age and the level of my depression and the general cause? I however feel I know a lot about you, purely through the responses that you have supplied to people that do not relate to them, but to you.

  • Avril M

    August 13th, 2015 at 5:19 AM

    I have suffered from atypical depression since I was a child aged 10. I have tried various antidepressants over the years but to no avail. I then stumbled across this post on website a few weeks ago:
    “Atypical depressives – read this! Your problem is NOT serotonin! Do not waste months and years of your life on the SSRI merry-go-round.
    Your problem is a deficit of phenylethylamine (PEA), the body’s “endogenous amphetamine.” That is why you want to sleep all the time.
    The ideal treatment is to supplement with D-phenylalanine (1-3 grams/day) *AND* low-dose deprenyl (10-15 mg/day). Your depression will disappear in less than 2 weeks.
    The primary metabolite of D-phenylalanine is PEA. The deprenyl keeps your brain’s monoamine oxidase (MAO-B, which preferentially deanimates PEA) from oxidizing the PEA too quickly. This is why atypical depressives respond to amphetamines and other stimulant drugs, and *NOT* SSRIs.
    Keeping the deprenyl at a low dose means you do’t have to worry about dietary restrictions. D-PA is preferred because it converts completely to PEA. However it can be hard to find, so susbtitute DLPA if you must. L-phenylalanine is useless to you.
    Be sure to have your nutritional basics covered as well (B vitamins especially, vitamin C, etc.)
    Parnate will probably get the job done, but it is UNselective (it will deanimate MAO-A as well as MAO-B) and thus has dietary restrictions. Deprenyl is selective to MAO-B; it’s neuroprotective and may even extend lifespan.
    If your doctor will not prescribe a two week trial of low-dose deprenyl, FIND ANOTHER DOCTOR!!! Or order it over the Internet.
    Not sure if you’re an atypical depressive? Atypicals are not interested in “pursuit activities” such as socializing and shopping. Atypicals ARE interested in “consummator\” (negative-feedback) activities such as eating, and sleeping.”
    Since reading this I have purchased both Deprenyl and D-phenylalanine over the internet (docs reluctant to prescribe it here in the UK) and have been taking 5mg of Deprenyl twice daily and 1 gram of D-phenylalanine twice daily. This is doing more for me than any antidepressants ever have in the short space of time (4 weeks) that I have been taking it. Just saying, maybe something that other might want to try.

  • Lis

    August 13th, 2015 at 7:28 PM

    Avril I adore your proactive post compared to everything else on here. I would just guide that no one solution suits all so please do at least consider avrils recommendations and then determine whether this suits you and your current treatment. Which was the breakthrough for you? And why? Genuinely would love to know.

  • Sherminate

    August 19th, 2015 at 11:27 PM

    Maybe I have this.. I have never found anti depressants helpful but instead I just smoke meth each day and I get thru, but now I can’t afford enough of it to keep me feeling ok..

  • Mo

    August 20th, 2015 at 9:09 AM

    Sherminate, it would seem that your depression might be related to use of meth. Unfortunately, antidepressant medication will not help you until your off the meth. Encourage you to seek some treatment for your drug addiction. In this treatment setting they can help you address some to the issues your currently facing which has lead to your addiction to meth. Yes your a drug addicted! Nothing short of treatment and staying off of meth is required to address your “depression”. Please seek help now your life depends upon it.

  • Carla

    August 24th, 2015 at 7:28 PM

    Please send me website I can order these 3 items in U.S. If you are right and this works oh my gosh you will have saved my life.
    Please send as soon as you can
    Thank you!

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT

    August 14th, 2015 at 1:31 AM

    Ok, so I’m not admin, but I am the author of the article. I understand your frustration, Lis–who wouldn’t be frustrated after a lifetime of suffering, a lifetime of trying to get relief and the result of being utterly alone and suffering as much as ever? Drugs don’t work for everyone, not even close. The point of the article is that for some people, nothing works. So if we’re one of these lucky people who can’t be cured, what do we do? First, it’s important to be sure we are one of these people. Yes, trauma can cause depression, and trauma often can be cured. Most depression just goes away, and some is helped by medications. Most is at least helped, if not cured by therapy. But if all of that has been tried extensively, and none of it helped, then it’s probably time to lower expectations. Some people can’t expect their goal in life to be happy. People with chronic depression that can’t be treated have to find a way to live with depression, just as someone with chronic pain or a disability has to find a way to live with their reality. Developing a relationship with depression may seem like an unusual thing to do, but it may be the only option. Lis, I wish like Hell I could tell you we’ve been holding out on you, and here’s the answer that will relieve you of your depression. We all want to believe that will happen, like we all want to believe constant articles and books that imply that finally there’s a way to have the body we want. There is lots of suffering in the world, and depression is only one form. How do people live with any chronic illness, or poverty, or local war? I think through a kind of acceptance that involves developing a relationship with the reality of the state, and living life on that basis. If there is relief in the world for you, it will much more likely come from being in a good therapy, than from a forum, but neither is likely to give you the magic answer we ALL want. If you can hold your depression as if it were a flea and s***-ridden puppy who is hungry and scared and needs you to love and care for it, you will probably be doing the best you can for the reality of your life. In the meantime, when you express anger, disappointment, disgust at people, it hurts and pushes them away. If you don’t want to be alone, think about your choices in expressing yourself and whether or not they are likely to get you what you want–before you decide what to say. Anger always has to be released, but not necessarily at the person, in an angry way, or on impulse. Expressing anger without the person causing the anger is usually much more constructive. Once the energy is released, we can think more clearly what we want to say in order to get what we want from the actual person who triggered the anger. This increases the odds of getting what we want tremendously.

  • Lis

    August 15th, 2015 at 2:49 PM

    I am very aware there is no magic answer Cynthia. My (neither angry not frustrated merely honest) concern with this thread is that there is very little in the way of aware community support. The number of posts versus the number of responses. The low number of individuals who choose to respond and their lack of external awareness when they do. I worry that there is no moderator on this site. It is not a community, it is not a forum. It seems a one way thread which utterly defeats the object of Internet connectivity. If a little rabble rousing amongst those who have a vested interest seems to have no effect, what is the point? I refer to the multiple, multiple posts below who simple got ignored, which is devastating, in the interests of a few sole commentators. That, I feel, is a tragic failure of a forum.

  • Diana

    August 16th, 2016 at 8:32 AM

    I found this site today and in reading the comments and stories I see my life. I am 58 years old and have “battled” my depression since my late 20s. SSRI’s helped quite a bit for 10 years. Then, when life sent the inevitable curve balls I tried different medications and found myself struggling more and more. Recently in 2014 and 2016 I was admitted to the psych ward for suicidal depression, menopause has added new highs and lows; and tomorrow, a first disability payment will be deposited to my account.
    I am on my 14th day of trying to go back on a medication that worked well for 10 years in hopes it will help, along with the YOGA, therapy, etc. etc. etd. I found the following suggestion from Cynthia Lubow, MFT to be just what I needed to hear as I consider letting go of the idea that I will “beat” or “get rid of” my depression. I am exhausted, like many of you, and want to die sometimes, but know suicide would be one of the cruelest events my loved ones would have to endure should I choose to do that. So thanks to you, Cynthia Lubow, MFT, for offering a possible perspective that may allow me to be gentle with myself while continuing on down this path I have been dealt.

    ….If you can hold your depression as if it were a flea and s***-ridden puppy who is hungry and scared and needs you to love and care for it, you will probably be doing the best you can for the reality of your life.

  • Dragon

    August 16th, 2015 at 12:00 PM

    Lis, there is a point that I think you’re not seeing … and this is only my observations … *this* is not a forum, it’s a blog post that has had a plethora of input. I’d personally like to see more of an exchange of ideas but that isn’t the idea behind a blog.
    I try not to make too many appearances here since I don’t want it to appear that my reason for being here is to promote my forum. On the other hand, I would welcome any of the participants here to join us in discussion (even you, Cynthia). Just for the comment, there are only two rules on CSS: the first is that there may be no discussion of methods (ways to suicide) because of potential legal entanglements; the second is to respond to the post, disagree all you wish *with the post* but don’t attack the person writing it.
    CSS is not a *busy* forum, but the people who are there have come there because – overall – we understand the thoughts and feelings that have brought them there (and here).
    You said, in yesterdays post that your previous posts were “neither angry nor frustrated” but some of your replies seem to me to be more than a little of both.
    As I understand it, the purpose of GoodTherapy.com and it’s blogs are solely to help people find help, I don’t think it was ever intended to be put to the use that it has been. CSS ( my forum at chronicsuicidesupport.com ) is an entirely different animal. As the name implies, it’s for people who have reached the point where they’re seriously thinking about suicide as an option (and as much as Cynthia, et al may disagree, it *is* an option). If that’s your choice, you can come and talk about what’s gotten you there, you can find others who have been and are there, but I bet you’ll find more who subscribe to the philosophy that “I don’t really want to die, but I sure as hell don’t want to keep on living like this!”
    I’ve set and chatted with one member who couldn’t get the medical help he needed and became a very loved member of the forum – but who still went on to complete his suicide and three years later is very missed. I don’t ask anyone to not die – we all do that eventually; I will ask that they consider *all* the ramifications of their actions.

  • Trevor M

    August 17th, 2015 at 6:31 AM

    This site as a whole has many good resources for helping people with Mental Health issues,
    This topic is however about “When Depression Can’t Be Cured”
    ie when some of us, no matter what we have tried has not “cured” us or achieved any lasting relief from the terrable symtoms of MD and Anx,that pervades every aspect of our lives,every day.
    So when someone tells of something that has helped them,even in a minor way,that is to be applauded for them,however that doesnt meen it will help someone else.what it may do is encorage someone else to try it for themself it mean that they or the thing that helped them be deminished because it doesnt work for us “others”.
    To me this “thread” was a place where I could share after reading everyone elses story/s,find a group of people i could identify with as having unresponsive Major Depression and at the same time empathise with them.
    i was told by my treating team,that they had never come across anyone like me who had suffered such debilitating MD and Anx like myself,who didnt respond to anything….multiple antidepressants,multiple ect treatments,different talk therapies
    So,to find a group of people like those contributing and telling thier stories of struggle,that so far they/you have not found any relief
    was a sense of…..cant explain….i not an odd one out,i’m not the only one who doesnt/hasnt responded to everything that has been suggested for me to try.
    keep sharing,I might not respond,but i can tell you I do read,your stories,and as i said before ,maynot offer solutions,but they tell me Im not alone.

  • Lis

    August 19th, 2015 at 10:29 AM

    I leave you all to your discursive with no dialogue blog. ( unless of course the discussion involves supporting the blog as is itself, which seems to have generated more input than any of the other hundreds of posts asking for support). you should suggest minimal input / dialogue from visitors perhaps?

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT

    August 20th, 2015 at 9:40 AM

    Lis, it seems like you’re asking for more input from trained professionals or even helpful laypeople, and I agree with you that that is much needed. Since those resources aren’t available here, I hope that the information I’ve provided in my articles and the wisdom of experience people offer can be of some value to others, if only to know that others share similar pain. That certainly doesn’t meet the needs people who are suffering have, but it seems to be what this forum has to offer.

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT

    August 20th, 2015 at 9:43 AM

    That is frustrating not to have treatments work for your depression. I would go out on a limb and guess that depression has never successfully been treated by meth. For as good as it may make you feel briefly, it uses up all the pleasure chemicals you have in your brain and leaves you feeling worse. There are lots of good treatments for depression–don’t give up until you’ve tried as many of them as you can access.

  • Dana

    August 22nd, 2015 at 3:22 PM

    I have had 2 severe emotional breakdowns. One in my thirties 2where I had at trigor I could define. My second at age 55 with no particular reasons but some issues with my children. This last severe major depression has lasted 5 years. I’ve been to three different phychiatrists and numerous different medications. I fake every day of my life. I feel no joy peace happiness . Ever. I only work three days a week but I have to force my self to go. I talk to no one no one talks to me. I can’t quit. Many days I feel so full of anxiety that I leave on my lunch hour and cry. I shop make dinner do chores when all I want to do is lay down. I have three children 23, 21 and 17. I never yell ever. I am quiet where once I was cheerful . My oldest detests me because I can’t come up with a valid reason for my feelings of depression. I try everyday to talk to him but he leaves the room. My daughter is at away at college . My youngest is 17 and growing away from me but I believe he still cares for me in a small way. My husband says he is tired of me and wants a solution. I am loosing my family and I don’t have the strength to beg them to love me and forgive me. I know it’s hard for them but I try harder than they will ever know. I’ve lost my friends depression is not tolerated. They do not return my calls when I muster up the self esteem to try to reconnect. I am so hurt and know I have never done any thing to deserve such treatment. If ever I am in the company of others I participate as much as I can. But my oldest son revealed my depression so that I soon learned is not tolerated by the old “gang”of friends. Insomnia has plaqued me for twenty five years. I have been to several well renowned sleep clinics with no permanent resolution. Many many nites are completely sleepless for me the lunesta is no longer effective for me. These nights only take me deeper and deeper into depression. I can no longer burden my mother with my tears when I am overwhelmed. She is 80 and does not need this added pain. Someday I will give up but do not want to hurt my family especially my mom. But I know my day of peace will come. It’s just that no one will understand that’s exactly what it is, my first and eternal day of peace. Losing your family costs you everything, but I not say I did not do my best. It just wasn’t good enough.

  • Davydoe30s

    September 9th, 2015 at 6:49 AM

    Hello Dana. I am sorry to hear about your depression. I understand it very well as I also have it. I’m 38 now and I had it a couple more times prior. Both times at lasted a few months. IIt’s hard for someone that doesn’t have it to understand the ones that do. I’m glad they don’t have it. However they cannot possibly understand or deal with it. I’m hoping this bout of anxiety and depression how’s away from me soon. It’s consuming my life. I Aldo hope that your depression goes away and that you can reconnect with your family and friends. I wish I had the words to make you feel better. All I can say is I understand your pain, and don’t give up. You’re alive for a reason. That’s what I tell myself to help me get through the days.

  • Dolly

    September 9th, 2015 at 10:41 AM

    Thanks for your article. I would like to say that a health insurance agent also utilizes the benefit of the coordinators of a group insurance. The health insurance professional is given a summary of benefits wanted by a person or a group coordinator. What a broker may is try to find individuals or even coordinators that best fit those needs. Then he reveals his ideas and if both sides agree, this broker formulates an agreement between the two parties.

  • Lana

    September 22nd, 2015 at 10:09 PM

    I just turned 37 in August and have been dealing with major depression as well as anxiety for about 23 years. It has been hell,a hell that no one understands or gets. If you have a broken leg or cancer they get it, depression nope they don’t get it. Tired of hearing, “you need to snap out of it”, “stop throwing a pity party” etc. I didn’t choose to have depression, I don’t choose to feel miserable much of the time, I can’t control it. I would give anything to not feel this way, it has destroyed my life, I’ve lost pretty much everything. I have tried several times to end my life but have been unsuccessful. It’s not that I want to die necessarily, I just can’t take the pain anymore, I can’t take living like this another minute, I just want peace. I’m tired of fighting what has always seemed to be a losing battle. I’ve tried medications which I sometimes think only made the depression worse, I’ve tried counseling which may help for a time but then I end up right back to square one. I’ve lost many job’s due to depression, as well as anxiety. I feel I have no future, I have lost all hope. I feel like I’m just clinging on at this point, I can’t function like this anymore.. TIRED.

  • shauna

    September 24th, 2015 at 3:20 AM

    I know exactly how you feel. EXACTLY!

  • Renae

    September 24th, 2015 at 6:57 AM

    I read your story and I thought I wrote it we are so alike I guess we aren’t alone we need more support from ones that know what we are feeling please I would love to talk some time maybe we can help each other

  • Lana

    September 25th, 2015 at 9:56 AM

    Sounds great! It would be really nice to chat with someone who can relate☺

  • Shannon

    October 15th, 2015 at 4:27 PM

    I feel the same. People also say to exercise to help with the anxiety and depression. I feel too anxious to go to the gym.

  • shauna

    September 24th, 2015 at 1:19 AM

    Thank you for helping me not feel crazy time and time again I’ve been told that my problem is manageable,treatable, curable. And yet it all seems to get worse. I can’t do anything that requires attention if anyone is going to bother me. I lose my train of thought and get aggravated fast. I liked the part where u said that people don’t see thru the lack of visual injury. I feel like my legs and arms have been chopped off. The pressure in my chest like I’m being bear hugged by an elephant is pain like no other. But because I don’t need 60 stitches no one understands. I don’t even want to be bothered. Excuse me if this offends but an example is I have absolutely no sex drive. And because of that I’m accused of sleeping around somewhere else because I don’t have a desire. Like its impossible for someone’s mental state and stress to make them not want to. I’m called a liar on a daily basis. Thank You For Giving Me A Few MINS Of validation!

  • Alyssa

    September 24th, 2015 at 7:37 AM

    I have been suffering from depression for about 20 of my 30 years on this earth. I’ve gone to therapy for almost 2 years after a suicide attempt 8 years ago and I never felt like it truly helped. Over the last 8 years I have stayed in varying degrees of depression, but I feel like it is worse than even when I tried to kill myself. Back then my emotions were so raw, like nerve endings. Now, I feel so numb. Every day, even if I’m not feeling specifically bad at the moment I always have this thought in the back of my mind that I just want to be dead. I feel like my life was mistake and I’m saying that in a depressive way. In a clear logical way, I feel like I was put on this earth as a mistake and my life carries no purpose, and you know what, that’s okay if it is a mistake, but if it is, I don’t feel like I should have to live in this pain for the next 60 years. I wish I could get confirmation of this so that I could just let go and not feel like I’d go to hell.

  • gavo

    September 28th, 2015 at 1:32 AM

    20 years too. I just googled this cause I really want to change. I lost my best friend and she was the only person who ever loved me. I have since lost all off my family and all my friends. My next of kin is my boss at work. Nothing hurts as much as loosing my best mate 😖

  • Michelle

    October 11th, 2015 at 1:34 PM

    Hi Alyssa,
    I feel the same way you do. I feel like I have had depressing the moment I was born. I feel like you in that I was a mistake….I am a fraternal twin and hey say that’s a fluke of nature …I feel like a freak of nature. I have social anxiety I was married and have 2 boys that I haven’t seen or talked to in over 4 years because of this disease. I also suffer bpd and I am highly sensitive. I go thru good times but they don’t last too long. I just want peace. I want to be content and help people but I can’t even help myself. I am with you and I hope you find peace in this awful disease that afflicts so many. I will not give up fighting.

  • Jen

    November 14th, 2015 at 7:52 PM

    Please get some real help. No life is a mistake. God makes no mistakes. You were meant to be.

  • Chris

    September 25th, 2015 at 2:41 PM

    I have been struggling with deep dark depression and anxiety for about 5 years now. I’ve had 3 suicide attempts, tried every medication, etc treatments, I’ve exhausted every councilor. My wife of 14 years divorced me. I look like a lazy whimp to the world. It hurts so bad and nobody understands but you guys.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    September 25th, 2015 at 7:49 PM

    Thank you for your comment, Chris. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Sherry

    September 28th, 2015 at 9:34 AM

    I’d like to add that I’ve never been suicidal…thank God for that! I have 5 grandchildren that I love with all my heart…one I’m a little closer to and feel that she needs me here. Without my family, even though I do my best to hide my depression from them because they don’t understand, I can’t say what I’d do. I just know I could never hurt them..so I continue on the best I can. Today is a crying day so I will keep to myself. Most days I can’t wait til bedtime because sleep is a great escape.

  • Damien

    October 25th, 2015 at 2:03 AM

    That’s all I look forward to each day I wake up…sad fact I suppose but I’m depressed so wtf do I care :/

  • Chris

    September 25th, 2015 at 2:47 PM

    Does anyone else wonder if God is mad at them? I used to be so full of joy and tell people about Gods love. But my mouth and faith has been crippled. Not trying to make anyone feel worse, but I’m just curious if anyone else feels abandoned by God?

  • Sherry

    September 28th, 2015 at 9:26 AM

    Yes Chris,
    I was just this morning thinking that exact same thing. I am a Christian, too, and also wonder what possible good I can do for God when I feel I can’t even get off the couch.
    You are not alone in feeling like this.
    I pray for even a little relief. NO medication has ever helped me; side effects are horrible. Only God can heal me …I sure wish He would.


  • Damien

    October 25th, 2015 at 1:57 AM

    I’m afraid so Chris, I have been clinically depressed most of my life (ever since i can remember, which is about from age 8 or so) and I am 35 now. Everyday I feel God has abandoned me, but that doesn’t shake my belief in God. When I do die I will demand answers as to why he created me in the image and setting he did, and if I don’t like the answer I will remove myself from God’s grace, which is the technical definition of hell but if God can’t give me a good reason for my life being so screwed up I want nothing to do with Him/Her.

  • Chris

    September 25th, 2015 at 4:12 PM

    I would love to hear your comments. Let’s all fight together and NEVER give up!!

  • Anthony

    September 26th, 2015 at 1:59 AM

    Depression is a result of low self image and mostly no self image. And not being able to anticipate. The lack of predictitabilty in their life. Living a philosophy of life that dosent reinforce you. Also your values and the society. Some people believe if your good and do the right things in life, things will work out for you. When that dosent happen some people get depressed. It is not a sickness or genetic.
    It’s a reaction from the brain from specific events in their inveroment.

    You can’t study the mind. You can only study the brain’s reaction in relation to its enviroment.
    Their is no such thing as human nature.
    No right or wrong.
    Anyone can be equipped with the tools of reasoning, but not all at the same speed. Thier is no such thing as incurable depression.
    Psychiatrist have a higher sucide rate then the rest of the population, they clearly do not understand how depression works.

    The only way I have found to end a period of depression is to learn.
    The more you learn, the more you grow your identity. You do not change your identity , you build it, by adding what you learn, witch in turn will change how you act.

  • Zynn

    October 8th, 2015 at 4:39 AM

    Clearly you have never suffered from depression. You don’t have to think about it. It just happens. I have been depressed in times when I should be ecstatic. Your kind of reasoning is what makes it hard for people to come out and seek help.

  • mIke

    October 8th, 2015 at 5:54 PM

    Anthony, your analysis of the cause of depression is probably unique to you. I’m not sure your argument of low to no self esteem as the cause of depression is based on any biopsychosocial information found in contemporary literature. Many who suffer from depression also suffer also suffer from low self esteem, however, many who suffer from depression also have very good self esteem.

  • Kate

    October 4th, 2015 at 2:34 PM

    I find it interesting that these articles end with questions, rather than suggestions on how we are supposed to live with decades of debilitating depression. After having suffered child sexual abuse and neglect cheating spouses, and a devastating divorce from a husband that, eerily, reminds me of my narcissistic mother, I have been left with a self esteem that’s on the floor. I’ve been completely disabled since being the 5th victim of my boss and then terminated by my employer decades ago before becoming a mom while I was still married. I never dreamed that I wouldn’t recover when I went out on disability decades ago. Monsters, lots of monsters in my life. Now I’m close to 60, disabled, divorced, and depressed. Wonderful! I have tried every medication they have and have suffered serious side effects. I am now working with a natural medicine doctor. He is balancing my hormones by giving me synthoid (low thyroid makes me tired), taking supplements to get restful sleep to reduce my cortisol, eliminating sugar and wheat to reduce inflammation and pain, and now I’m trying to force myself to do one thing each week that i used to love doing. I think that is the hardest thing I have to do and I am not doing that very well yet. I have lost most of my friends through the years, both real and facebook, because of the devastation of divorce and I can’t fake happiness anymore. I feel I too old to start over, but I’m determined to find a way to matter in this world so the monsters in my life don’t win.

  • mIke

    October 8th, 2015 at 8:41 AM

    A few months back I asked if anyone had been on deplin and got no reply. So I’ve been on deplin for a few months and have had some great results, sleeping better, interacting with people at a much better level and have resumed a much more active life style. After nearly 18 years of severe depression, failed relationships job loss and the list goes on, I am feeling like a human again. What is working for me if deplin a bio active form of folate. Seems some people don’t respond to ssri meds because they have a genetic mutation that does not allow them to use folic acid in the way it needs to be used for ssri meds to work. Since being on deplin I have been able to reduce the psych meds, stop sleeping pills, etc. The following is a short article that appeared in the Wall Street Journal. It is working for me and may be of value to fellow suffers of incurable depression. Real stuff that requires a doctor rx to get in the USA. Good luck!

  • Brandon

    October 10th, 2015 at 5:55 PM

    I have suffered from depression since I was 13, by over the past year I though I’ve recovered from it… Telling friends and family members who knew and asked about how I’m doing, that in fine and I felt fine… But recently I’ve stooped into a huge low, every now and then I’Ve felt bad about myself (for many reasons) but I seemed get over it rather quickly… But lately I’ve felt as if I’m nearing rock bottom again… but after one thing I do or say just seems to be the wrong thing to say or do… I begin to break down… And then it gets worse when I get angry at myself for breaking down over such a thing….

    this artical actually made me realise a lot of things about my depression, but I don’t want to believe it at the same time… I’ve poured my heart out to friends and family and sought out counselling, and for a while their advice helped… But over time it just doesn’t work… And then I look in a mirror and go back to balling my eyes out again…

    Apologies for typing out such a long story! I guess I’m just stuck on what to do now…

  • mIke

    October 10th, 2015 at 9:43 PM

    Hey Brandon, sorry to hear that you’re not feeling so well. You didn’t mention if you seeing a psychiatrist or if your on any medication. Clearly one of the best ways to start feeling better is a trial of medication to see which one might work best for your situation. Only a physician can help you with this. There are some very good meds at the right dose that may help boost your mood. Urge you to see a psych doc to see if meds might not help. Also it is important that you see someone regularly for talk therapy in addition to meds. Wonder also of you have had a physical including blood work to rule out any metobolic issues that may be causing you to feel depressed. These could be vit D deficiency, or an under performing thyroid or a host of other things that could cause a down mood. Please go see a physician and a psychiatrist for a full evaluation. Best, mo

  • john S.

    October 20th, 2015 at 6:36 AM

    I have been depressed for about ten years and my family think that I’m doing good and that I’m successful, at least that’s what I tell them the truth is that some days I don’t even move. I’m so miserable that it exausts me and I have no motivation to do anything because all i can think is “what’s the point I’m just going to fail anyway” and that just makes me feel even worse but I don’t tell anyone because I keep thinking that they will say I’m just being dramatic or that I’m just trying to get out of doing things but today I took the first step towards getting better I made a phone call that I should have made year’s ago but I’d always been to scared to make I’m seeing a doctor tomorrow and hopefully I will get better I know it won’t be easy and I know that it won’t happen over night but I just want to be happy it’s been so long since I’ve been happy so long since I’ve been able to say “I feel great” and it not be a lie i will be happy and I will not lie to my friends and family any longer

  • No name

    October 24th, 2015 at 6:53 PM

    I’m tired

  • Damien

    October 25th, 2015 at 2:15 AM

    I have been depressed ever since I can remember, which is about from age 8 or so. I am 35 now, so taking my advice on how to get over depression might sound stupid, but I consider myself highly logical so by my summation, here is what you can do…

    1) Understanding life simply sucks a**, you can ignore the pain. This can lead to bottling up anger, and can backfire, but if you have strong will it is possible, that is how I get by each day without going on a rampage until they put me down.

    2) Resolve the issues troubling you. If they are unknown this can be difficult, but achieved through the help of a doctor and possibly medicine. Personally I don’t like taking any pills, it just makes matters worse when you realize the only reason you aren’t feeling bad is because you have another hour or 2 on the pill you took. Being dependant on something just to feel like a person doesn’t seem like living to me.

    3) Find a peaceful way to die, and best of luck. This sounds f***ed up but truth is NO God would condemn you for this, as to resort to it means you were sick to begin with. Further, if God is all knowing, then he knows the future, free will or not. If that is the case he know I’d off myself even before my mother was a thought in her father’s nutsack.

    As for how you go about using any step above is entirely up to you, but from what I hear support from friends and family can help. I wouldn’t know, my family are complete bastards I would have nothing to do with and who would be friends with someone who is clearly depressed the largest majority of the time, and even if they did truth is I don’t have it in me to care to have a friend to begin with.

  • Julie

    November 20th, 2015 at 11:07 PM

    Dear Damien,

    I am so sorry that you are suffering so much that you think about taking your life. I pray that you will never go through with it. Instead, reconsider taking medicine, go to counseling, join a support group…there Is a lot of help out there. Have you ever heard of NAMI (National Association for Mental Illness)? Look up their website. They are a good resource for people suffering with a mental illness.

    You are an important person so take care of yourself and know that I will keep you in my prayers. God loves you and he is always there for you!

    One more thing, I also suffer from depression…it is very common in my family and my husband’s family and IT SUCKS!!!

    I wish you the best!


  • Damien

    October 25th, 2015 at 2:18 AM

    Well if anyone goes and kills themselves lemme know how painful the method you used was, I can use some ideas on surefire painless ways :/~

  • Alyssa

    October 25th, 2015 at 12:52 PM

    Thank you Michelle. I guess the only thing we can do is send each other good thoughts. To me the most debilitating part of depression is feeling so low and not even knowing why. Yeah not everything is great in life, it isn’t in anyone’s. But why do little “blips” cause such a tremendous feeling of desolation and agony. I also have what I call a condition and I don’t even know if that’s what it is, but I can’t even be to happy either. When things go to great I get really really happy and then all the sudden I just crash to the ground. The great thing is still happening and nothing bad is going on, but I go from so happy to miserable. For awhile I thought maybe I had bipolar, but I don’t really have the huge swings; most of the time it’s just the lows. I just wish I could feel better, not even happy or great, I just want that feeling when you finally release a breath you’ve been holding on forever; I just want to feel ok.

  • Kay

    October 26th, 2015 at 12:27 AM

    Depression is going to kill me. Diagnosed with chronic major depression 30 years ago, I have had good times, and times that bad does not even begin to describe. The horror of hoping for death, thinking of ways to end the pain, deep, dark, terrifying thoughts. Recently, the depression has been overwhelming. Menopause, empty nest, unemployed, no friends, a stale marriage of 32 years, have all conspired to take me to the brink. Overeating, is my only relief. I am overweight, and have health issues associated with obesity. Once a beautiful, vibrant woman, I, now look in the mirror, and no longer recognize the person reflected back at me. My husband loves me,and tells me so often, but when I look at him, I feel numb, and lonely. I feel like I am going insane! I don’t take my own life because of my husband, my son, and my 10 pets. My dogs,and cat give me so much joy, that I prefer their company to that of family, or other humans in general. Pets, are non judgemental, and always try to comfort me in my many times of despair. People, say that suicide is an act of selfishness, to the naysayers I reply, walk a mile in my well worn shoes, and share your misinformed opinion then. You may realize that emotional pain is excruciating, both physically, and to your psyche. You don’t wish to cause your loved ones pain, just want your own suffering to cease. Right at this moment I am okay. Just wish I could retain my sanity, and live a normal, stable life.

  • Jen

    November 14th, 2015 at 7:40 PM

    If you have a bible read it. All the answers are there. Pray for help.

  • Amelia

    November 15th, 2015 at 11:57 AM

    I feel like you do. Am afraid it will never lift or pass and I’ll be stuck in this profound boredom and lethargy forever. I stay, too, for my husband and mostly grown children, but I prefer the distraction of apps and the Internet to my family and what (very few) friends I have left. I just can’t get motivated to restart my life, though, because I’m not confident I’d be able to sustain any new commitments or connections I make. It’s the worst of stupid, vicious cycles.

  • Sondra

    October 28th, 2015 at 6:00 AM

    I don’t know how to feel. Literally, I don’t know. I have had seizures for all my life. I have them what can I do about it, absolutely nothing. I have a husband now of 26 years. He has had an acute stroke, leaving him paralyzed. I am now a caregiver of him. I hold my feelings inside. Never sharing or showing what I feel. I only want to help my husband get through his problems. I think we both are acutely depressed, and don’t know how to deal with it or even admit it. I can’t go on simply because I cannot show weakness. I have to be strong. Is this denial? I know I am not dealing with my problems and this is not solving anything. I need another opinion.

  • simons

    October 31st, 2015 at 11:02 AM

    I don’t think I have anything left in me. I feel this thing inside of me and it has taken over me entirely. I am a breast cancer survivor and you would think I would be rejoicing like all the women on tv or at events saying they have a new lease on life. I don’t feel like them and it makes me angry. I have arthritis throughout my body but I do what the doc’s say and stretch and I go to exercise and it’s horrible. I go see a therapists and take meds but I am getting worse. My husband has stuck with me but really I just want to be alone. I honestly don’t know what keeps me moving but I am getting very tired.

  • blake

    November 3rd, 2015 at 3:21 PM

    I try to keep telling myself that there will be some “good days”. It’s awful, but I know that I must have had a few of them in the past, but I can’t remember anything but feeling this way. I’ve accepted that this is an illness with no cure. And I try to believe that with medication and therapy it can be managed. But “trying” is about all I can do. I am so tired of not wanting to exist.

  • Jen

    November 14th, 2015 at 7:37 PM

    Pick up a bible if you have one. Read it. All the answers are there. This world is full of despair. The only hope is in God’s word. Jesus is our only hope now and in the life to come.

  • Stephanie

    November 14th, 2015 at 11:42 PM

    Blake, the good days will come back. I promise. There’s so much more to live for Than there is to die for.

  • blake m

    November 16th, 2015 at 3:53 PM

    I want to thank each of you for your responses to my post. Jen- In the past I would have in all likelihood turned to prayer and biblical readings. In early 2004 I was thrust into a situation from which I could see no “easy” way out. Basically, I had been abandoned in another country ( USA ) with no passport, visa, proper identification ( enough legally accepted ID ) at a time when non documented citizens where being “detained” for unspecified amounts of time until it could be proven they had no ties to unsavory groups. My spousal partner of 12 and one half years had decided that he wanted to move back to Canada. Upon my agreeing to move with him to the U.S., I could no longer collect the Provincial Disability Pension that I had been receiving. It didn’t seem like a big deal since his new salary more than made up for the loss of my pension. And having been together for more than enough years to quell any thoughts of being abandoned in a foreign country ( as well as it being prior to the 9/11 attacks which meant no need for passports, etc. as long as I could prove I was NOT going into the country to work illegally ) . So when he did want to move us back home, we realized it was going to take some effort. Once he was back on Canadian soil ( along with as much of our belongings and 1 of our four dogs ), he could begin the search for our new home as well as begin the lengthy process of obtaining the necessary documentations for me to join him with the rest of our belongings and 3 dogs. ( Needless to say, our dogs had become our surrogate children ). I cannot do justice in a few words to the impact of what was to be the final email I was to receive from him. After more than a decade, after the sacrifices I had to make to keep our family unit intact ( my pension, my physiatrist, my rheumatologist, and my other therapist ) because HE begged me to do so as he feared being unable to be there without me by his side, I was beyond horrified. Claiming to still have love, he begged forgiveness as he told me that he would never be coming back for me and our “babies”, he was fed up with the wall of red tape between us and my needed documents, so he would no longer be making any effort on my behalf. The final, and possibly most devastating concerning my ability to survive and care for the remaining three of our (surrogate) babies, was that he informed me of the closure of our joint bank account. With one short email I became an illegal alien in a nation at a time when undocumented citizens where being treated with extreme suspicion. An illegal alien with NO paperwork allowing me to be LEGALY hired by anyone, or any company enabling me to pay for the necessities of life – let alone provide for our three remaining “babies”. I was beyond horrified. I had had enough medications for depression and chronic pain for three months, as before he left we informed my doctors of his leaving and that I would need a three month supply of my various meds – because he would be returning in 3 months to take me home. Earlier than that if finding a home and fixing my “undocumented ” predicament. I was coming close to the end of those meds with no way of obtaining more. For years I had considered myself strongly spiritual, and was shocked that my first impulse was not of a spiritual nature. For weeks I played out various suicidal scenarios, while holding tight to the hope that my partner of 12 and 1/2 tears would break free from whatever dark spell he was under and realize that there could be NO acceptable reason for doing what he was doing. Our landlady, Margaret, lived in the house next to us on the right. She was an 83 year old lady owning many properties in the city of Denver…and she will always be the closest example of what a Christian ( or any Faith filled person ) should be. Over the period of a few years, we had become very close to Margaret and her husband, Tommy. Their unconditional love and acceptance was, for me, such a blessing. So it just felt normal, that when Tommy took sick with terminal cancer and could no longer be at home, for me to spend my days and evenings at the care facility to do whatever I could to lighten Margaret’s load and listen to Tommy. He had really taken to one of our dogs -Mocha, a Russian Wolfhound – and she would spend hours sitting at his bedside with Tommy stroking her head. I guess what I am trying to convey is that they had become family. Family of choice, but as close to our hearts as any family by blood. So that day, when Margaret was too exhausted to comprehend anything, I sent her home with a promise to call immediately if there was any change. ( Tommy had slipped into a coma two days prior to this ) I sat beside Tommy holding his hand, and in between prayers I would talk to him and tell him that it was okay for him to go as I – we – had promised him to watch over Margaret for him and make sure that her gentle giving spirit didn’t get her into trouble. He had previously named two individuals that she was financially involved with as well as calling them her closest friends – individuals whom had been exploiting her friendship for financial gain. He opened his eyes, squeezed my hand…. and passed away. I tell all this to show that there was a relationship with Margaret before Paul left Denver. So close, that she was the first person I turned to after reading Paul’s dreadful email. The first thing she did was to take my hand and pray Paul’s release from whatever terrible emotional darkness he must be fighting against. And strength for me to hold fast until such time that Paul freed himself and realized the dreadful wrongness of his actions. She then dried my tears with the cuff of her blouse and told me that I was coming to work for her. Help her take care of her properties. And I did. I learned every aspect of her “business”. Then she fell and broke her pelvis and I took on the care giver hat. She was in a care facility for over three months and during that time I was there every day. She was family. I prayed every day as it made no sense …. I mean I was sure that I could find really good home care for her when she improved enough to go home and my being there was so very frightening for me. It wasn’t too long before I discovered that her two previously mentioned friends/colleagues were doing their best to rob her blind and/or take control of her financials. That was my “answer”. Even though it made no “worldly” sense to put myself in such a vulnerable position, I knew beyond a doubt that it was the “Right” thing to do. As I said at her funeral, both Margaret and I knew that every morning I took a cup of coffee across the yard to her house, and we sat to plan the day…it was one more day going on Faith. I held onto that Faith for almost seven years and was privileged to be holding her hand when she passed away. Left once again in such a precarious position of no legal status and very limited funds, I left for California to help out my best friend, until my sister back home could finally get my passport.. another two years of living on Faith. Coming home after 35 years ( from this Province ) to an aging and failing mother, I once again took on the role of care giver. I am back on meds for depression, anxiety and chronic pain. Have a wonderful psychiatrist and therapist. I have stopped looking for anything more than odd moments of feeling “okay”. I’ve come to realize that doing the right thing or living your life in the hopes of helping others does not come with any promises of “good things”. That God ( if he exists ) doesn’t seem to care one way or the other. What really hurts is realizing that I may have lived following the wrong set of values. I’m beginning to think that maybe if I had been a little more concerned about what I could GET from others rather than being concerned about what I could “give to others”, I may have ended up in a better place. And so Jen, I’ve reached a place where I feel I can no longer depend upon or trust some vague concept of a Deity to sustain me… and Stephanie, I do really try to believe that there will be good days. Days when I feel that my living makes much more sense than my not living. I really do. And like you, Amelia – I think I “stay” because of a conceived need. I promised my mother I would do my best to ensure that she would live her life as she wants to – not in nursing home. So for the past few years I have been her primary care giver with three hour breaks every Tuesday and Friday afternoons thanks to the Respite Program. I am in therapy and on meds. But life is still a dreary, dark and dismally frightening journey where few people WANT to understand what a person struggling with mental illness goes through, let alone chance a friendship with him. It sucks. There is no bright son over the horizon. No perceivable future moments of peace – let alone happiness. And most definitely, no brave soul with enough time and patience to start the process of helping to mend a heart so bloody broken I don’t think it can ever be whole again. And the very worse, having to live with the realization that there is no “GOD” out there who gives a damn about me. It’s life at it’s worst…..ALONE>

  • nona

    November 17th, 2015 at 8:33 AM

    HI, I am completely new to depression experience and m so grateful that I came across such a informative discussions and experiences.
    I myself am not depressed but someone I love is. It took me a while to figure it out but seem that I have been taking all the right steps so far. I have encouraged therapy, I showed my constant support and love…unfortunately, at one pint I had to leave for my own health. I thought if I get myself in order I will be able to help. I am still quite supportive and only now I am realizing that it might be a depression rather than a lazy person. I am so ready to help but am scared a bit that I may do something wrong. So, some of the questions I have:
    – do I talk about it openly? what if the person is in denial of the seriousness of the condition?
    – do I involve other friends/family?
    – should I be taking some therapy sessions to find out how to handle it?
    I feel for all of you with depressions and I hope you find the strength to fight it.
    Thank you all!

  • Shannon

    November 22nd, 2015 at 2:23 PM

    I lost count as to how many times I’ve attempted to leave a comment here. Not knowing what to say, where to start or how to say it, yet knowing I need to finally say something to someone. I found this article through a “desperate search” for lack of a better explanation. I am a 36 year old woman who is alive with major depression and had the thought what if it can’t be cured and so here I am. However, I know this isn’t where I should be starting but deep within know this is where I will be. Admitting it “out loud” is the first step with any issue right?! I have been depressed on one level or another since the age of about 9 and have not said anything to anyone about it. As I’ve gotten older being a functioning depressive has gotten harder. The last few years have been a progressively getting worse spiral leading up to a few months ago losing my job of 9 years due to absenteeism and just overall blahness that was me. I’m sure you can see where this is headed fast forward to now and I have no reason to do anything shower, get dressed, leave the house. Literally all I’ve done is sleep, watch endless/aimless hours of television(TV has become almost an obsession) and eat constantly which has added an additional 25 pounds to my already obese frame. I have yet in my life to seek help for this our any of my other issues that directly attributable to this. I’m afraid, embarrassed, ashamed even and don’t really feel like I deserve help or that it will work. I don’t want to take medications for this and I know that’s any doctors go to.

  • Misty

    December 6th, 2015 at 7:56 AM

    Hi Shannon. I’m with u on all that. It’s a terrible sad and lonely feeling , having endless depression and sometimes for no reason. I have beautiful , healthy kids , beautiful home , means to do things and buy things. God fearing and loving. Yet the depression and loneliness is overwhelming since age around age 5. I also have OCD , bdd , anxiety and TMJ and body pain from possible fibro. The struggles seems to be endless. It would be nice to find relief.

  • Linda

    November 23rd, 2015 at 2:16 AM

    My brothers wife had bouts of depression through the years. But this time it never went away. But I also think Metapause only accelerated it. It became a full blown clinical depression where she laid in bed for almost 5 years. My brother worked 13 to 14 hour days came home take care of the house , cook dinner and take care of the 3 kids. She would call him at work constantly . Come home and take care of me I don’t feel well and even in meeting’s. It took a toll on him he just couldn’t not take it no more almost to the point of a break down. He had an affair and filed for divorce. The kids end up take care of her and this was through there teenage years they eventually resented her because pretty much was not a mother at all through her depression. The divorce never happened. She did all types of treatments , medicine, counseling, therapy, and my brother even out of pocket $10,000 tried another option for her . Nothing worked and her sister is a nurse she stayed with her a few times to give my brother a break from this. She even said she does not want help and is very stubborn all she thought was about her depression non stop. I even tried to have her come here etc..but nothing worked. She took her life November 13, 2015. Drove down the road to the train station and parked her car. Sat on a rock and waited for the train and when it came put her self in front of it covering her head . The rest a disaster. Everyone is devestated and the kids are showing little to no tears almost like it was a relief for them. Very sad. I truely believe and I suggest to go to God because and pray and go to church.

  • Anna

    November 27th, 2015 at 11:59 PM

    Ive had depression ever since ive gone through puberty when i was 10,Ive also had severe social anxiety,and bipolar disorder,im 15 now,and im on paxil for the anxiety wich has helped extremely much so,to the point where ive been able to go back to school,but the depression and bipolar moods is what has never gone away.Im starting to get really concerned about it because i feel like i cant fix it and im feeling suicidal and partially hopeless.I was on abilify and it just made the depression worse,so i got off of it and for the past year ive been here,i went to therapy & psychologt,but im still severly depressed for the past 4 or 5 years of my life ive also struggled with self harm for almost 2 years.I need help.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    November 28th, 2015 at 10:24 AM

    Thank you for your comment, Anna. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • blake

    November 28th, 2015 at 12:41 PM

    Hey Shannon. I really hope that something clicks for you. I was just a few years younger than you when I accepted the fact that my depression was never going to be cured. And even though it doesn’t feel like it ( for me ) at the moment , logic tells me that there have been, and will be again periods of remission. Or at least I am praying awfully hard that there will be. This latest bad episode has me fearing the worst. But before you can begin to feel better, you really do need to seek medical help. And despite not wanting to take medication, sometimes we have to do things we would rather not have to do to begin healing. And if therapy and medication offers even a chance for feeling a little better…why not take it?

  • Sylvia

    November 28th, 2015 at 5:04 PM

    I’ve been suffering recurring episodes of major depression for 18 years, and I have no fight left in me. My husband is very supportive, but is growing weary of caring for me. Is there any hope for me other than a round of the newest and most expensive medications on the market? Right now it seems the best option for me would be institutionalization. Is that an option for people with my diagnosis?

  • Mike

    November 29th, 2015 at 9:42 AM

    Sylvia, of course there is hope for you! I’ve been in a similar boat. I became depressed following a heart attach and heart surgery. At the time I was only 40 and had young children at home. Now I’m 59 and feeling pretty good about life. In the space in between feeling totally crappy and now lots happened. Lost plenty of good jobs, wrecked relationship, got divorced nearly ruined relationships with my kids and honestly wanted to end it all. Went from treatment provider to treatment provider searching for the magic cure. Was on lots of high powered meds – you know the ones that insurances won’t pay for and cost a weeks worth of wages to pay for. When 1 didn’t work a second was added which kept me up at night. Finally found a doctor,tha was willing to work with me and listen very carefully to my concerns. Several things were going on including vitamin D deficiency, and folic acid deficiency. I take supplements for both now and they are considered a “medical food” under a prescription from my doctor. Meds were changed to some of the older meds and in lower dose. Sleep was a problem so I had to use some sleeping pills for a short while to get back on track. feeling pretty good now. Talk with you doctor about getting some bloodwork done. Some people have a deficiency in their blood chemistry that prevents the SSRI meds from being metabolized in the brain. That was my problem. Find a psychiatrist or treatment professional that you can work with. Sylvia, there is hope. Mo

  • Dasha

    December 7th, 2015 at 3:07 AM

    Depression has accompanied me since 1988. Now is even worse as I see the end of my musical career due to physical injuries and doctors are the least sympathetic to my condition.

    Meds don’t work, tried about 30.
    Death has always been in the back of my mind, even more now.
    Hope has no longer meaning, needless to say faith is gone.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    December 7th, 2015 at 8:45 AM

    Hi Dasha,

    We wanted to reach out and say thank you for sharing. In case if you haven’t tried talking with a mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage, https://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area. If you’re looking for a counselor that practices a specific type of therapy, or who deals with specific concerns, you can complete an advanced search by clicking here: https://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html

    Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

    Wishing you the best,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Elias

    December 7th, 2015 at 8:03 PM

    Hi Dasha,

    I just happened to stumble across this site because I googled “why won’t my depression go away”. I have also struggled with depression since I was a child (17 years of struggle). I have also tried therapy and meds which some have worked and some haven’t. What I realized in my deepest depressive states is that no matter how bad it gets, I am here for a reason and that reason is to push against my depression and reach out to others who are also struggling.

    I told myself for years that I had no reason to be here but I realized that those of us that struggle with this are so special. Most of the world doesn’t understand how this feels and we have the power to be there for them and teach the world about the disease. In my struggle what has helped the most is a good therapist/med provider and peer support. NAMI is an organization that is peer run and they have support groups (peer run) all over the country. YOU are a beautiful and good person that deserves to live and be happy. Sometimes it takes a struggle to get to those points and sometimes it will come back for periods but you are worth it. We need you! Another thing that helped me was supporting others. NAMI has programs where they train you to be peer supports. It’s free and life changing!

  • blake

    December 7th, 2015 at 8:02 AM

    Like so many of you, I would give anything just to feel some relief. In half an hour I have to leave to see my psychiatrist and I am so dreading it. I was hoping to have better news to tell him. It’s funny, but by NOT feeling better, I feel as if I am letting everyone down. This disease has such a tenacious hold on me and the thoughts of another ten or twenty years of just surviving is heart breaking. I want to think positive, and tell everyone not to give up . That as long as there is life there is hope. I just don’t know any more.

  • Kari

    December 7th, 2015 at 8:32 PM

    I know exactly how you feel. At some point I had to just accept my depression as a limitation I can only cope with and not something I can master and overcome. So I did this cool thing I thought of. I was down and typically beating myself up for not being able to be like everyone else and hating that shadow part of me. So I took myself to a beautiful sunny place like the beach or anywhere I could really be alone, I wasn’t in danger, and I said to my shadow self… Okay kari here you go… Enjoy being out… Take in the energy from the sun breathe in and be aware of all that you smell… You can do whatever you want here, I trust you and I love you… That was all very organic. I really didn’t have the intention of that being the process of my get away… Then I sort of let my mind open up with my eyes closed and I saw her. That girl who never got out in the sun. That hung around my minds dark hallways…. I saw her in my mind, look up at me and the dark circles under her eyes started to lessen. And we cried. Tears if no particular label or judgement. Just cleansing for its own sake. Then when, in my mind I looked down at her as we stopped crying, we embraced. And I thanked her for being there and being so strong and willing to reveal herself to me because she has endured a lot of abuse from me. And she smiled and faded away.
    I call that an awakening. A gift. Because I learned that the shadow parts of ourselves, like any neglected child, will be seen and heard one way or another. We can choose how we let it manifest in our daily lives. And if we are ashamed of being depresses then we are hurting a very wise and strong part of our very own psyche
    I hope you can make friends with your shadow aspect. It isnt something many understand. Many don’t want to understand anything about themselves. We are way more special than we’ve been led to believe. I mean that in a subtle way. Not a grandiose way. You know?
    I am in a hole right now, myself. This is a very unfamiliar level. Soon I will have to come up with another process. I don’t even know the questions anymore. But I do know we are valid human beings and we have lots of work to do as well as things to learn.
    Best wishes…

  • Laura H.

    January 1st, 2016 at 6:45 AM

    Beautiful and creative

  • Kari

    December 7th, 2015 at 11:21 AM

    Wow. This article really spells it out. Perfectly.
    I have been in severe suppression and am in it right now. It’s all I can do to press these keys.
    I’ve been saying “I’m not like this because of some character defects, I am truly disabled” because I am basically paralyzed and unable to do daily tasks to a point.
    My mom doesn’t get it, but she is trying to do what she can. But only if she wants I understand the boundary setting. I’m almost 50 and had 32 years of my life as a very active (still depressed) lady who always had a smile and a helping hand and a decent job. I am no longer that lady.
    I am so guarded because of the insults that have been directed at me, subliminally, overtly, covertly, passively, and otherwise. I’m extremely overly aware of body language and have to keep my perception of things in check. I believe I even give myself less credit for my perceptions than I should.
    My living situation is in threat. My landlords wife thinks I’m just being a manipulative lazy slob. And she and my landlord worked in as a Principal and Vice Principal!
    So I’m going to forward this article on hopes they will “get it” and maybe she will stop discriminating and stalking and harrassing me. She doesn’t want me here, I think her husband… The actual owner doesn’t feel the same. So she’s really doing all she can to injure me.
    This type of treatment is awful and mixed with PTSD really is a living hell for me. Because I’m in extreme pain as a result. There is nowhere I can go.
    I’m so glad to see people commenting on this currently. I hope we can all feel so not alone.
    It feels like our close ones suddenly don’t understand the language we speak and I feel trapped in a bubble that I can’t pop.
    I’m glad my will to live is unshakable. We are here. We must make ignorant people aware. We need advocates. To do it with us.

  • larry

    December 7th, 2015 at 6:57 PM

    Love to all of you . I am here to ask for every ones wisdom and guidance. My 14 year old son is depressed to the point that he is ….. well …. depressed. It’s like all systems are go, but he is crippled by depression. It is breaking my heart and I want to fix it ,but I do not know what to do. I’m his Dad , and his happiness and success is all I care about. To feel him suffer is devastating . What can I do to help him ?

  • Kari

    December 7th, 2015 at 9:15 PM

    Hi Larry,
    I think it’s awesome of you to seek what you can do to help him. When I was that age it was only me who had the problem. And I felt very alone and ashamed of myself. My mom put me in a 90 lock down treatment facility, to this day I suffer with PTSD partly from that. I also didn’t have children because I don’t want any child to have to feel the way I did and do. That’s how much I love them. And I don’t regret my choice.
    I ran across this website of a therapist who specializes in adolescent bi polar /depression and she starts with what the parents/family can do and sheds some light on things maybe as a parent seem right. Such as letting him work it out alone and not going with him to therapy. And truthfully, I have to totally agree. It is a special effort that the child needs. And needs to know it isn’t a burden to be needy.
    I’m just now working on that with my mom. And I’m 49! Comedy relief over here. But seriously, I think adolescence in and of itself is depressing. I was stuck in it until I was 38, feeling and behavior wise.
    I can only say that my parents sort of emotionally abandoned me, and didn’t realize it. They grew up in the 40sand 50s. Funny to think psychology isn’t even a hundred yet.
    I put the link to this woman’s website. I’m hoping the moderators approve. If not, I understand and hope they just omit that and post my reply anyway.
    Maybe I said something to help. Just knowing that you, the parent, realize you also need to and are willing to learn more about life and what you can actively do to help your son shows he isn’t alone. Have you ever felt depressed because you feel helpless about not being able to make him feel better? (I worded that for specific reason) I know parents truly do want to be able to wave a magic wand and make them what you perceive they should be…. If you do get bummed, maybe just hang out with that feeling and express it to or with him in a non guilting way. I say this because that age of kids, we never see our parents as humans. And we can never measure up to their standards. And nobody can possibly know how they feel. If my mom or dad had done that with me… I wish.
    Just hold him and love him. All I can say is make sure he knows he’s integral in the family ship you’re the captain of. Giving him duties he can handle. No shame if he simply is unable to do it. If he’s being a typical teenager dreading and rolling his eyes, he gets to do it anyway. That way he will learn life on lifes terms. It’s difficult to discern how much firmness and how much leniency to use. That is why you are here. I hope a parent out there can give you more advice.
    Thank you.

    Here is that link…


  • mIke

    December 8th, 2015 at 9:38 AM

    Oh please. Kari, giving kids responsibilities to cure depression is like saying walking is a cure. Adolescents is a highly risky time in a persons life. Many will commit suicide because they see no way out, while others will resort to harmful behavior like cutting themselves, drugs or other self injury types of behavior. This kid needs professional treatment sooner rather than later. While you may have suffered the barbaric lock down treatment from years ago, treatment today is very different and should be insued for this kid as soon as possible. MO

  • DZ

    December 7th, 2015 at 9:21 PM

    Your comment reminded me of my mother. I have suffered from depression all my life, but at 24 my hit rock bottom. I was as broken as you can be I would cry every single day. Things got so bad that I couldn’t hide it anymore and I just remember my mother telling me with tears in her eyes “what can I do for you?, please tell me”.
    And my response was “nothing, not even I can do something, is not something that we can fix, I already made an appointment I’m seeing a psychiatrist tomorrow”
    I saw the fear in her eyes and I felt bad that she was suffering because of me.
    I think that there is nothing better than profesional help, you know getting treated. And you can let him know you are there for him, tell him it’s ok to talk to you when he wants to talk, and is also ok to tell you that he wants to be alone when that’s what he wants. I know that it is hard to leave him alone if you see there is something wrong, but sometimes there is way to much going inside our head that talking to someone just makes things worst, because it takes too much of an effort to say a word when there is a war inside your head. Also let him know that he and his depression are not a burden to you. And when ever he talks to you don’t interrupt him always let him finish what he is saying so he knows you care about what he has to say. Just show him you love him and that you are there for him and that both of you would win this fight. I really hope your son gets better. XX

  • Mike

    December 8th, 2015 at 5:38 AM

    Hi Larry, So sorry to hear that your son is depressed. Depression in adolescents happens quite often from a variety of causes. Adolescence is a turbulent time as hormones rage and the struggles as they try to find their own identity. It would be important that you son be seen by a professional for some therapy and perhaps a psychiatrist to determine if medication is necessary. I’m sure you have had him seen by the family physician to rule out any medical problems. There are plenty of resources available on this site to find a qualified professional who would be able to help. Best, Mike

  • Staycee

    December 13th, 2015 at 10:51 AM

    Hi Larry,
    I was diagnosed at age 16 with depression. Like your son, I can remember feeling depressed as young as 14 years old. There was no specific reason that caused my feelings, nothing out of the ordinary that fueled it. I just remember feeling so low, so sad and so alone. I started with therapy which wasn’t helping to the degree I needed it to. When that did not help, I was put on Prozac. It was the best thing my parents did for me at the time. I started at a very mild dose. For those of you that think it takes a tragic event or horrible situation to trigger depression, that is very untrue. My childhood was very normal; I grew up in a 2 parent household with much love and support. It can happen to anyone without cause. I encourage any parent out there that is dead set against administering anti-depressants to their child, please have an open mind and think twice. It was what saved my life. My thoughts are with you all. And keep in mind, you are not alone.

  • Tiffany

    December 15th, 2015 at 4:09 PM

    Thank you , Stacycee . I am taking my daughter tomorrow & I should have 5 years ago .

  • blake

    December 9th, 2015 at 12:20 PM

    All good advise, Nbw . It all sounds so simple. It always does – each and every time I have heard it over the past 42 years I end up berating myself as the world’s most useless tool because something so darn simple shouldn’t be my equivalent of scaling Mount Everest. I am so tired of merely being a survivor.

  • Bob

    December 12th, 2015 at 3:57 AM

    Hi Larry
    so sorry to hear about your son. The number one best thing that you can do is research the condition yourself, to better understand what he’s going through and to catch any signs that things are about to turn dramatically worse. From my own personal experience (major depression for 15 plus years, many many meds and several hospitalisations) dont ignore the advice of a good nutritionist. Many hold the view, to which I’m coming around also, is that the body’s innate self-healing ability and particularly its ability to maintain proper healthy brain chemistry levels can be stimulated with the right use of nutrition and supplements where needed. Dont just rely on medications. All the best.

  • Trevor Mc

    December 13th, 2015 at 10:03 PM

    Hi Larry,sorry to hear about your son.
    The number one thing to do for your son and this applies to everyone.
    Find a good understanding Dr and demand a thorough blood test,which includes the FULL Thyroid test.
    many times a “normal” blood test does not include this.problems with the thyroid can often
    manifest in Depression and many other illnesses.
    For more info see this website hypothyroidmom.com/hypothyroid-testing-what-you-need-to-know-and-ask-for/

  • Michael

    December 22nd, 2015 at 1:03 AM

    Yes, I have been working with the condition in this article for years! And I have been able to get through it over and over again, because of a belief in God and it’s an attitude of positivity.
    Still, I have been wondering why it never fails to reoccur?
    Related to issues, as well as
    A hormone level-imbalance!
    Thanks for answering questions that have plagued me all of my life 😊 Now lol 😁 it’s just a matter of finally getting a new habitual practice of how/when
    And what to do, so that I can feel like I’m normal again!?
    Because I know that it is possible, with your help &
    Support from occasional updates from therapy.😊 😐 😃

  • Marie P

    December 30th, 2015 at 6:44 AM

    This article was very helpful and helps me to understand what I have been going through a little bit better. I have lived with depression most of my life before seeking to get any kind of help and it got worse after having both of my children. I was put on different medication and some worked better than others along with regular therapy. Now I am just going through with regular therapy and exercising when I can which has been mostly walking and this has been helpful to me mentally and physically. My regular sessions with my therapist helps me to release and is allowing me to be monitored for if and when I have to go back on medication. Without God I would not be where I am today and I will continue to get through. I am taking better care of myself and my children and I am very thankful. Thank you and please continue to inform.

  • Laura H.

    January 1st, 2016 at 7:37 AM

    I have been depressed on and off — mostly on — since my mid-twenties. I’ve had lots of therapy (strict CBT was helpful, but I couldn’t afford to stay in therapy and found it difficult to keep up on my own), a little medication (meh, stopped the suicidal thoughts for about a month–that was nice), some meditation (this began to feel ridiculous when I realized I was just circling around the same problem over and over again.) I’m now 55. It is clear to me that this is not going to get better. Although I think of killing myself almost every day, I am not going to do it. Too many people depend on me, and I’ve noticed when people in my community have committed suicide what a savage rip it leaves in the social fabric and how devastating it is to the people who love them. In between all of this, I have had my life: a loving husband, two sweet kids who are now grown, a beautiful place to live, interesting work (thanks to my energetic hypomanic states, LOL). I know I am really fortunate. Unfortunately, knowing this doesn’t seem to have any affect on my depression. So now I am looking at simply coming to terms with the fact that this is what my brain is like and how to live with that fact. I just read about a Buddhist book called “How To Be Sick,” which is about living a good life despite your own suffering. Also, a friend’s daughter wrote a beautiful song after one of her favorite teachers committed suicide. It is called “you are needed here.” I will try to find a link to it and post it here.

  • Blake M

    January 4th, 2016 at 2:09 PM

    REALLY feeling it today. Probably because it’s been an awfully difficult few weeks. Leaves me wondering why do I keep going on….everyone tells me that God never give a person more than they can bare but I am way passed thinking that it’s complete bs. It’s difficult to think positive thoughts and do all my little cognitive thinking exercises when the physical pain level is this high. I’m seeing the doc at the Pain Management Clinic in a couple of days and I’m praying really hard that he comes up with something. Something that works. Just need to get off the pity pony and do what I need to do. When the three conditions ( chronic major depressive syndrome, PTSD and this on going physical pain ) flair up at the same time, it’s like “Blake the person” isn’t there anymore. I know that doesn’t make any sense. But it just feels like there isn’t any “me” in there – it’s all pain. ( emotional and physical ). And knowing that this will probably be the reality of my life for however many years I have left really pisses me off. Guess it’s a good thing I see my therapist tomorrow. It’s just that I really hate being a “survivor” That’s just not enough!!!!

  • Tj

    January 8th, 2016 at 12:11 PM

    I found this page by googling “there is no help”. That’s the feeling that’s overwhelming me again. It’s always there. I try to deny it sometimes, i try to embrace hope. But hope always leads to pain, because hopes are never realized.

    The YEARS of comments here only confirm my greatest fear, which is that there is no help. There’s only continued suffering, and our fluctuating determination to endure it. Ive been through many treatments. None work. Why would they? One’s life must improve before one’s outlook does. But for some, life is a continuing sequence of failures and let-downs. With nothing to believe in, nothing to look forward to, EXISTENCE IS FUTILE.

    There is no help. Plenty of good intentions, sure. Even a little consolation, providing you pay a hefty fee of course. But help? No such luck. Which IS what is required; luck. Just simple chance that something beyond your control might go in your favor, causing a chain reaction that improves your mood and lights the spark within again. But it’s beyond my ability to light it in myself. I just don’t believe it’s possible.
    WE will all continue to suffer, until we self-terminate, or until some lucky break falls upon us. When someone might offer their love, and that life is somehow so appealing that it breaks through the wall which WE cannot escape.
    Good luck, fellow victims of hopelessness. I wish you the best. But it’s clearer to me than ever, that without luck WE are doomed. Death IS inevitable. Not everyone can live a happy life. So why should those of us who cannot, continue to endure such crippling pain? For others?? This reason is losing its credibility as i age. At 45, I’m enduring this sadness for at least 30 years. The only reason I’m still here today is because my younger sister hung herself last year, and left her 5y.o. daughter to be raised my our mother. My mom, raising my niece, will not take the suicide of another child (me) well. But depression has a way of isolating us from the few who care about us, and i suspect it’s a matter of time before I’m also found hanging from a tree in the woods nearby. I miss my sister. But i remember saying to her some time ago, that i was surprised she hadn’t already taken her life. I guess she took it to heart. Me and my big mouth.
    This world is sick and cruel, and humanity disgusts me. Enduring crippling depression just to remain a part of it seems senseless.
    I wish i would not wake up, every night before i sleep. Please, let me go, sick world.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    January 11th, 2016 at 8:07 PM

    Thank you for your comment, TJ. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Sue

    July 12th, 2016 at 6:49 PM

    I have dealt with severe recurring depression for 43 years. I believe that a good psychotherapist can at least help you hold on until you find what will work for you. I recently started attachment focused EMDR and for the first time in a very long time, I have hope. Here is an article talking about the different mental illnesses EMDR is now being used to treat, including depression. Will update my progress as I continue. It is not a years process like regular psychotherapy. Check it out. coherenceassociates.com/is-emdr-just-for-trauma-what-else-can-emdr-be-used-for/
    Also Google Attachment Focus EMDR by Laura Parnell

  • Sara

    January 8th, 2016 at 4:41 PM

    Well, another article that explains what it is. I’ve read hundreds. I’ve been to doctors that don’t care, I’ve confided in people who don’t care. So where the HELL do I find help? God? nope….I pray all day everyday….excersize? Nope. I work out regularly. A good job? Yea lemmie get through the interview without having a panic attack. Family? yea….they like that I’m depressed because they’ve had jealousy issues towards me because I used to be the successful pretty cool one. Friends? No interest. Backstabbers. Tell me what to do…..for real…..where do I turn…

  • Ashley

    January 10th, 2016 at 1:11 PM

    Hi, wow reading this and knowing I’m not alone is good to know. I have been depressed since as early as I can remember. I have always been overly sensative emotionally. It was really hard dealing with this as a kid because no one understood me. My family simply thought of me as a spoiled brat, lazy, attention seeker. I never knew my dad but had a step dad who never liked me, never spoke to me unless he was cussing me out, and used me to blame for everything and to take his anger out on… and my mom…she tried to make everyone happy but she eventually gave up on me at age 11. One day my step dad got mad and started a big fight with my mom because of me, i went to my room crying listewning to them fight because of me, because i left a full can of coke on the table. My mom came in my room and seen me crying. She told me she didnt know why my step dad was like that to me but they never faught when i wasnt there. Thats when my heart broke to pieces. I told my mom right then, i wanted to move in with my uncle or granny. she said okay. I didnt want my brothers and mom to suffer when i could just leave and everything be good. I moved around to different family members and i turned to drugs and alcohol. I was so hurt, i felt like no one wanted me, So i felt like a burden. I remember as a child before i moved with fam, always being in my room, crying, praying and asking God why was I born, why did he make me, if nobody wants me. Praying that i would die, begging God to let me get cancer or something so i can die. Killing myself has always been in my head but my fear of God is way stronger and the fear of killing myself and going to hell and ending up somewhere a lot worse than my life here on earth made me think twice. I stopped going around the family, i didnt feel worthy, i didnt want to be around them, i felt like they hated me, so i felt dumb being around them, like they were only nice to me at family functions in front of people,,,it was an act. My life is really a big blurr after age 11, i was always high. at 11, I went through a point of uncontrollable rage and anger. I think after staying in my room, scared to express myself, no one to talk to, not able to let out my feeling. that when i moved in with my grandma, unfortunately she got punished and had to deal with me exploding. I cussed out everyone, couldnt control it. My mom tried taking me to Charter but they didnt admit me. I gave up on my life because i felt like my mom gave up on me. I stopped trying in school, went from all A+ to 0’s and F’s on my report card. fights every year. I blamed my step dad n mom for my life being fucked up, for me giving up on myself and turning to drugs. It wasnt until i went to prison the 2nd time that i realized i had been suffering from depression and bipolar. I started taking Zoloft and it has really helped me soooo much. I have been taking it for 4 years now. I am in college, been in it for over a year, should’ve graduated by now but instead i am only half way through! I struggle with my weight and always have. Right now I am 208lbs and 5’8, the biggest I have ever been. I dont want to go anywhere. Its hard to even get out of the bed. I ever have energy. I sleep so much, and after i wake up it takes al day for me to get up and shower. I just feel so blah….I feel like I’ll never be able to make it on my own. Ill never be able to keep a job, or stay in school. And my memory is horrible, i cant remember anything unless I write it down, and then i forget where I wrote it. I just feel like giving up now at this point. I’m taking Lexapro and lithium now but no meds seem to work anymore. I feel like i NEVER have any energy, so drained. I cant have a relationship with anyone, I run everyone away or push them away. I am crazy and im smart enough to know it. Either I will have to fing a good man to take care of me for the rest of my life who can actually deal with me or i will end up homeless and dead. I feel like i just need something to modivate me, idk what though. I’m just so lost, so confused, so sad, so tired, and feel so ugly and stupid.

  • Enza

    January 20th, 2016 at 3:38 AM

    Hello…. I just read your comment and I just want to see how you are today?

  • TIS

    January 19th, 2016 at 5:34 AM

    We’re a bunch of volunteers and starting a new scheme in our community. Your website provided us with helpful info to work on. You have done an impressive process and our entire group will be grateful to you.

  • Stubborn One

    January 21st, 2016 at 12:02 AM

    I am 60 years old now and have been fighting depression my entire life. My father thought that I was not his child; he had legitimate reasons to think that. My mother thought if I was a boy it might help dad forgive her. She wanted me to be a boy so badly that she stamped the name “Steve” on my diapers. But I was a girl and I came into the world with light sandy brown hair with a definite red tint and green eyes – mom, dad and both sisters had dark brown hair and dark brown eyes. So did my younger brother, the blessed boy who arrived less than two years later. Dad questioned his paternity until I was 40 and we had DNA testing done. I am his! But it made no difference by then. I am told I was a colicky baby, screaming from early evening til nearly dawn every night for the first year of my life. My older sisters, 10 and 8 years older, “didn’t like me” as they put it, because I was inconsolable and kept everyone awake. I don’t remember a lot about being a child. I know that our family was pretty dysfunctional. There was a lot of yelling and we got the belt when we were naughty. Dad treated mom like she was an idiot. She was afraid of him and cried when he got mad at her which really made things worse because he considered her crying manipulation. I had a friend move into the neighborhood when I was 6 or 7 who became like my sister. Our mothers were best friends and we regularly slept over at each other’s house. Somewhere along the way we started messing with each other when we bathed together. This went on for years and then I discovered masturbation which became an almost daily need. When I was 8 my second oldest sister really started acting out. One night she was arguing with dad about going out with her boy friend and things got physical when he tried to prevent her from leaving. He broke her thumb. She didn’t get to see the boyfriend that night but they got back together and she ended up getting pregnant…..not well accepted in the early 60s in a small conservative “Bible Belt” town. That’s when my life really fell apart, it seemed like everyone started leaving me. My oldest sister left for college in fall, the next spring the second one, now pregnant left to have her baby and give it up for adoption. Then my mother started nursing school. It was in a town an hour away and she would get up early in the morning and leave before 6am. I would wake up and lay in bed until I heard her head to the door and then I ran to her begging her to take me with her. “I’ll be good! I promise! I’ll sit in the car and wait until you are done…just please don’t leave me here!” Of course she couldn’t take me with her and I would collapse on the floor as she shut the door to leave. I literally felt like I was going to die. I honestly don’t know why I was so terrified of her leaving. After my sister got pregnant, dad who was not very interactive with us anyway, completely shut down emotionally. He didn’t want anything to do with any of us kids and we knew it. He was always gruff, it seemed all he wanted to know was if we had done our homework and brushed our teeth. It was a relief when he went away on business trips and his return was not eagerly anticipated. I was severely depressed by now. All I wanted to do was sleep. When I was 16 my uncle managed to get me alone and after letting me ride his horse he insisted that I owed him a kiss. When I went to kiss him he grabbed onto me and started French kissing me and rubbing himself against me. I froze. I couldn’t think what to do. I thought about letting him have sex with me but finally said ” I don’t think we should be doing this.” He let me go and took me back over to my aunt’s house where my parents and brother were visiting with other relatives. We had come for my grandfather’s funeral. I didn’t date in high school at all. When I graduated and had to leave home I remember sitting on my mother’s lap crying “I don’t want to grow up mom, I want to stay with you the rest of my life.” But I did go to college several hundred miles away from where I grew up and mom and dad moved hundreds of mile even further away from the only home I ever knew. I didn’t date that year but I did go out on a make out with some strange guy I met randomly. I told him I’d never been kissed (unless you count that uncle), but when thing got hot and heavy and I started touching him he said “I thought you said you had never done this!” I protested that I hadn’t but he did not believe me, insisting I knew too must to be inexperienced. I flunked that first year of school, again depressed, sleeping all day, this time through classes and when I came home I had no hope of going back. I did a horrible thing that summer, something I am still haunted by. Something that made me wish I was dead, I died inside, but my body didn’t. I never ever did it again. Finally I went back and graduated from college (by the skin of my teeth) and got married. A few years later, my dad got caught messing with my niece. He exposed himself and asked her to touch him. It was surreal, my second sister had told us he had messed with her, but no one believed her. She was considered a liar and the bad apple in the family. I started to put pieces together and really didn’t like what they were adding up to. Mom and dad’s marriage finally ended and then when I gave birth to my fifth child all hell broke loose. I knew I wasn’t the world’s best mom and that fifth child put me down for the count. I had been pretty depressed on and off through those first 10 years of motherhood, but this was different. I felt like I was going crazy. I decided to start seeing a therapist. The first one I saw upset me so much that I dissociated and froze. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t talk, I wanted to just disappear. After several minutes of silence she practically yelled “This is real help for real people.” and threatened to call security to remove me. I managed to stand up and walk out. Never saw her again. Here I am twenty five years, dozens of therapists, doctors, tests, diagnosis, therapy methods, medications, overdoses, hospitalizations, 36+ ECT treatments and tens and tens and tens of thousands of dollars later. I’m still in therapy and still struggling, but I found a new therapy called EMDR, and it has helped me put that one really horrible incident to rest. It is still a memory and always will be, but it now lives in the past. That is the problem in mental illnesses like depression, our past traumas play in our minds like they are still happening. Until we process them they make life a living hell. I am so glad none of my suicide attempts were successful. I have seen my kids grow up, graduate fro high school and college and start their own families. Yes they have their struggles too and I hurt when they do. I worry about them. But there have been beautiful moments however brief in between the blackness of my depression that had I died I would have missed. The births of my grand children, holding those precious sweet babies and loving them so much. Graduation days, anniversaries (my husband is nothing short of a saint), birthdays, trips, beautiful summer days, thunderstorms, winters snow storms that leave the earth frosted like a beautiful cake all have punctuated my sadness. There are things that I have learned along the way about relationships and psychology that I have been able to share with many people, not just my own family. I understand the hopelessness, despair, the longing for peace that depression breeds, I was fighting it today. My sister doesn’t want to admit that my dad was a pedophile even though he abused her own daughter. She doesn’t want to believe that he did anything to my sister and she wants me to stop thinking that he may have done things to me. She is like someone who walks into a room and sees someone dead on the floor, another standing there holding a knife, blood everywhere but she refuses to believe that this same knife wielding attacker could be responsible for the two other murders in the same room, just because she did not see him standing over those bodies. It makes me crazy! We are going to run into people who berate us, who don’t believe us or who think we are just attention seekers. People who want us to “just straighten up”, “leave the past in the past”, “stop being needy”. They do not, can not understand. It is up to us to educate those people. We are the ones who can make changes happen, but not if we give up and die. Everday that we live is a day we can potentially affect change, in ourselves, in others, in the world. There are people all over who want to help, who don’t want us to give up. No it’s not easy, it’s not fun, it is exhausting and damned near impossible to do but living is the only hope we have of beginning to end the craziness. Please be stubborn like me! Hang on for one more day, and then hang on for another. If there was no unhappiness or pain, we would never understand joy and peace. I’ve felt peace, incredible peace, it exists. It is fleeting but is is worth all the pain and sorrow!!!

  • Stephanie

    January 22nd, 2016 at 9:01 PM

    I loved your post so much!I wish I had a husband and close family that is my biggest issue the lonely feeling I have all the time I hate it. Having depression losing my boyfriend to drowning, I just think I’ve given up.

  • GoodTherapy Admin

    January 23rd, 2016 at 12:03 PM

    Dear Stephanie,

    Thank you for your comment. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about Self Harm at https://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-self-harm.html and additional information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • In Darkness

    January 24th, 2016 at 11:25 AM

    I have suffered from depression my whole life. I am 33 and have been receiving help for it since I was 15. So after 18 years of therapists, physiologists, and psychiatrists, talk therapy, and medications, I just want to give up. This is my life? How can I go on? I’m tired. I don’t even have it in me to seek out help this time. What’s the point? Ugh and now this whole post sounds mellow dramatic :-( I’m just lost

  • GoodTherapy Admin

    January 24th, 2016 at 12:54 PM

    Dear In Darkness,

    Thank you for your comment. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about self harm at https://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-self-harm.html and additional information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • mary

    January 25th, 2016 at 7:48 AM

    I’m having a very hard time Almost 2 years ago I was diagnosed with depression and anger, I have been taking meds, but lately im having a hard time. i went to see my counselor, she usually helps but didnt help she always says i need to set boundaries? i been mad and upset because the way im treated by family and so on, i have no friends and i just feel it must be me. i thought i would never have thoughts of harming myself once on meds, i dont think it matters what meds im on as long as i have people hurting me things are not going to change, but what leave everyone then what? be by myself? i have no one

  • Jeffrey

    January 25th, 2016 at 8:50 AM

    Hi my name is Jeffrey,im 38 years old. I’ve been depressed or going to the pression since I remember. Right now I feel real sad, depress, lonely,insufficient,insecure I go to work and when I come out all I do is stay in my room.i have times that I miss a lot of work due to how I feel or other conditions days like today I ask myself why I live for or for what I live for the only keep me fighting is my kids my three beautiful children.
    I’m tired living with this, a lot of people tell you the Snap out or planning you what you have to do. They don’t understand how bad you want it get out of it how bad you feel just because you can enjoy the little things in life.
    Sometimes see somebody enjoying life being happy and having a good time and you dream with be that person.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    January 25th, 2016 at 9:01 AM

    Dear Jeffrey,

    If you would like to talk about this, or any other concern, with a qualified mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage, https://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area.

    Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

    Kind regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • MaudlinSympathy

    January 29th, 2016 at 8:19 PM

    Well I am glad I found a comment section that hadnt ended in 2013, I perfectly mirror 99.9% of the sentiments expressed here, so no need to repeat. Im 34 and had my first suicidal ideation at age 12, been through multiple in patient rehabs, was attended thousands of 12 step meetings, I remember picking up a multiple year clean/sober chip. That night I never felt more suicidal, and when I inevitably relapsed I became an instant pariah, I do not recommend aa/na for trauma survivors. It is, in all sense of the word, a cult. But would never discourage anyone who finds help in the rooms, I have many life long friends from that stage in my life. I am currently under the care of my PCP, a therapist twice a week, and going to another psychiatrist soon. Why? oh i dont know to be diagnosed with the same old shit, ptsd, gad, severe depressive disorder. They will shovel more SSRIs SNRIs etc etc, because I am a guinea pig. I deal with suicidal ideation every day. And I always love the generic cover their ass response, call 911. Do you know what happens when you do that? Police come and detain you and throw you in a room. Mmm sounds delicious. Hmm i think id like a side of involuntary detention with my suicidal feelings. I would definitely suggest going directly to a hospital, you are more likely to be treated as a human rather than a criminal. At the end of the day 99% wants to die and 1% clings on to hope. and that 1% has kept me breathing. Life is pointless. in 100 years your existence will mean absolutely nothing. Im allowed to have these thoughts. Because I have that 1%. And hearing other people share my sentiments, as morbid as they seem on the surface, keeps me going. Maybe one day I will look on this and thank myself for hanging on. My religious beliefs keep me fearful enough, what if I commit suicide and my eternal hell is feeling like this forever. That thought shakes me to my bones so I will keep trying. I envy those with the “real” terminal illnesses, I can imagine being told I had one month to live, what a mercy from God, I can make peace with him, leave my children and family without the trauma of suicide. I call it guaranteed salvation. And just release that final breath. Just hold on, not because im saying it gets better, but it can definitely get worse. I am forcing myself to get better, possibly in vain. But I make my appointments, sculpt my smile, and hope for peaceful sleep. Other than that, right now it is just literally looking at my feet as I walk to put one foot in front of the other. Maybe one day I will be able to look up some. Maybe science will stumble upon safe and effective medications. Which I believe they are decades away from. We take our serotonin pills, knowing through scientific studies they work no better than placebo. But maybe the placebo is just enough, enjoy the weight gain and losing your sex drive. But hey their is much money to be made off us lab rats. I have worked for the largest pharmaceutical company in the world for 10 years now. And we are dollar signs. I wont kill myself, because I cant face the life shattering pain my children would experience on that morning. And that will be the greatest evil ever. I will carry this burden till I expire naturally. I will paste on my smile, have a few laughs, and retreat to my cave of self loathing. Ive been at it long enough to survive the pain. Does it get better? who knows. The world is full of aggresive violent people, who to the depth of their core believe they are doing society good. I support non-aggresion to my core. Just take it one millisecond at a time and at least get on some good benzos to calm down (im talking a reasonable amount) and dont drink on it. I feel very ashamed for writing this. But thats my natural reaction to ever voicing my opinion or standing up for myself. Be kind to others, never cause undue pain, there is already too much. It is better to have never loved at all than to face the pain of betrayal.

  • Bob.

    June 16th, 2016 at 4:21 PM

    Sounds like we have a very similar set of feelings! It’s fear of hell thats kept me alive at my lowest and the rest of the time it’s because I don’t want to leave my mum or little brother with the burden of a daughter/sister who committed suicide. I think it’s easy to fall into the mindset of ‘nobody would miss me if I were to die’ when you’re depressed which is why it’s helped me carry on knowing there are people who are dependant on me. I’d say I’m the same in wanting to die 99% of the time to be honest but there are brighter times where you seem to forget it all. Repressed anger from trauma/abuse growing up seems to have been the root of all my addictions and I don’t know if I’ll ever learn how to deal with the extreme emotions I feel but I’ve definitely learnt that no substance, whether alcohol or drugs, will help you achieve proper happiness or peace, so pulling through sober just seems the logical thing to do. I think when you see a lot of darkness as a child it’s hard to snap out of it and live a ‘normal’ happy life as an adult, how can you expect someone who was never taught happiness to understand it let alone feel it, and there are many people who use that as an excuse to hurt others but that’s not who we are. And if that’s not who we are then we deserve to treat ourselves with the level of respect and care that we’ve treated others, it’s hard but slowly happiness will come.

  • Piff

    March 15th, 2016 at 1:24 AM

    Where to start… I have been suffering with this for as far back as I can remember. I wrote a letter to Santa when I was 6 years old asking if i could please die now. I have saught help all my life. Medications and therapy, alone and in tandem. None of it has helped. When I was young people would tell me it would get easier as I got older. But it hasn’t. It keeps getting harder to find a reason to go on suffering. I have friends and I know I’m loved but sometimes that’s not enough. And I guess what I really want to know is how long is long enough? My great grand mother lived to be 102. I don’t want to live that long wishing every day that I could die… How long does society expect me to suffer, to languish in pain and misery and self hate? How long does help have to fail before I can give up? 100 years of depression is to much to ask anyone to bear.

  • True

    March 15th, 2016 at 10:39 AM

    I’m right there with you Piff. Hang in there the best you can and find hope wherever you can. Easier said than done of course.

  • Zane

    April 9th, 2016 at 8:57 PM

    I’ve been living with depression for a long time. I hate that I can’t snap out of it or that I feel this way. I have really tried so hard and what people don’t seem to realize is that this situation for me is like if I was being constantly tournamented daily. I want to do things and go places but, I don’t know why it’s so hard to do anything and everything. I don’t want to wake-up, cook, clean, take kid’s to school, talk to anyone but I push myself hard everyday to get things done, talk to friends and family, and then ill have constant meltdowns when no longer able to continue to portray this strong person, a leader of her home, a person the kids look up to. I feel so ashamed when they see me at my lowest.

  • Michele

    May 22nd, 2016 at 8:26 AM

    How do we function when our life’s been destroyed by depression and anxiety? I have been this way for 2 years and no meds are helping me. I can’t function anymore at all. I spend most of my life in bed and don’t do anything anymore

  • Michele

    August 23rd, 2016 at 2:10 PM

    Are we going to make it out alive

  • Jan

    June 18th, 2016 at 8:58 PM

    I have chronic, severe depression I take meds, see a Dr. I must say he saved me from myself. When I feel like I should be punish, I will eat. The meds help me gain weight and I can stop lashing myself because I have lost all the things I worked for. I know why it happened because I am ill but it is gone forever. Being overweight makes feel worthless. How can I stop the punishment and stop eating? Thank you

  • The True Sebastian

    June 20th, 2016 at 4:12 AM

    After battling against my depression for five years I feel like I’ve gotten nought for the effort. I feel that I’m alone with my tears and my pains. My family has been torn asunder by this disease and still they cannot see that what I feel I real, no hoax, no manipulation. I’m only seventeen years of age, not even a man and still I see no life in front of me. All I have is sorrow behind me. The doctors are all at a loss for what to do, every pill, every treatment… Having only wasted my parent’s money. I think back and see vague pictures of happier times when this plague had yet to afflict me. That young boy there must be an entirely different person, surely not I. Today I look into the eyes of my family and see only scorn, contempt. No words will appease. I’ve been promised that I’ll never see another doctor or phycologist for my depression again. One wrong move and I’ll be sent to boarding school across the country, they swear. I can only sigh and nod, knowing they’ll never believe any words I say. After all, the last phycologist I saw agreed with them and told me no uncertain way, that I was manipulative and foul, and undeserving of kindness. So I go back to my room and weep myself asleep, hoping and praying for death. School is hell but at least I’m not yet sleeping there. I spend two weeks suffering through mocking students and glaring teachers. I’ll find no help here. Fast forward two weeks and I snap, pick up the knife and throw it at my mother while she talks with my sister. The blade falls short and impacts on the ground but the damage is done. The police are called, my mother and sister put on scared faces. I’m made out to be a horrible maniac, unfit to be near good people such as these. To add icing to the cake, my grandfather falsely tells the police officer that I smoke and take drugs. The only reason the man didn’t lock me up with the rest of the scum then and there was because of my age. I am later forced by my lovely mother to shake hands with the man and thank him for not arresting me. I’m now tired and done and want to die. The irony is that my father many times in my youth threatened to kill me and now I plan to take that chance from him. I have no gun. When will the misery end?

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    June 20th, 2016 at 7:56 PM

    Thank you for your comment. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Moe

    June 21st, 2016 at 4:00 AM

    Sebastian, few things that helped me with 20 years of depression. 1) I got some lab work to look at blood chemistry. Sometimes depression can be caused by medibolic issues. I was found to have a significant vitamin D deficiency. Took Vitamin D supplements for 2 years. The other medication is deplin. Deplin is a medical Food called l-methafolate. It’s a folic acid derivative but an Rx is needed. Some people have a genetic anomaly that won’t allow psych meds to be fully metabolized in the brain. Deplin allows the full metabolism to happen. 2) Find a forward thinking psychiatrist who is willing to work with you in finding the right meds and put you in deplin. For me it was a combination of three meds that did the trick. Was on Zoloft for years and no real relief. Now in low dose of Celexia and Wellbutrin and deplin. Felling great after 20 years of depression. 3) Force yourself to have a regular daily structure/activities. Good luck and don’t give up.

  • Jayson W.

    June 24th, 2016 at 5:46 PM

    It’s really a great and useful piece of information. I’m satisfied that you shared this useful information with us.Please stay us up to date like this. Thank you for sharing.

  • kumkum

    August 11th, 2016 at 5:38 PM

    I m relieved to know that what all I m feeling is not merely my mind’s made up situation.
    though I m not suffering from so long period as others here, but believe me the intensity is not less.
    I cannot commit suicide coz I m not that brave neither the smile of my innocent children will let me do that but the thought never leaves me…even once I left home in my absentmindedness. I developed hypertension and high cholesterol levels which has put me on higher levels of stroke or vascular disease . I cannot see a way out from here…I m just dying to be normal…to laugh to believe and to love. I m even loosing my temper a lot and getting irritated… after reading here the article I realized my children might have a bad impact. its giving me more worries. how hard I may try to come out but I m being pulled back in more depths like in quick sand. and this thought is suffocating me even more. now I have given up hope of recovering so m not even taking medications and caring for my other attached ailments hoping that it might end my life soon…but my heart breaks at the thought of leaving behind my kids. I don’t even have any support system in my family.. no one understands and expect me to act normal…so for them I m laughing and showing my self normal and but when I m alone I cry like hell. even my husband has stopped trying to stand beside me and he is the only one responsible for all this.

  • Tony

    August 11th, 2016 at 8:48 PM

    Where did this come from. How did you know I was depressed?

  • Judyx60

    August 29th, 2016 at 9:42 PM

    Well, I have refused to admit I am depressed, but after reading the article, and so many comments that describe me, I guess I will admit to myself that I am indeed clinically depressed. I have reason to be. The unexpected death of my husband three years ago and the suicide of my daughter nearly four months ago has wiped “me” out. I never was a happy person to begin with, but I did function in society. I enjoyed talking to people. I was interested in trying new things. Now, I want to do nothing and do it well. I don’t care, that is my motto. Can hardly believe it when I say it, but it’s what I honestly feel. I don’t feel ashamed, and I don’t want to change. I am taking the drugs and talking to the therapist, but feel it’s a waste of time. What’s the point? I am alone, I am done. My heart’s beating, my lungs are taking in air, but I am already gone in every other sense. Don’t see myself changing anytime soon and really, really dread the coming holidays. This is me now, and I’m craving, at 12:32 am, a damn plate of spaghetti with meat sauce. Ugh.

  • Tony M

    August 31st, 2016 at 11:43 PM

    Man,I’ve been reading alot of posts here,I’m 57 and suffer from depression, it started after my wife left me back in 2000.i never got closure and that sucks,anyhow I have a full time job and live alone so I have to get up in the morning and go to work,sometimes I wish I’d go to sleep and never wake up but I keep hanging on in hope that change will come,seeing there are hundreds of us posting here should make us feel we are not alone.i feel finding my true soulmate would cure me but maybe not.everyone please hang in there,you never know,tomarrow something or someone may walk into your life and completely change u for the better

  • Piervito

    September 16th, 2016 at 11:20 AM

    My wife suffers from depression. She takes meds every day. The Doctor changes her meds due to the fact that she is always sleepy. The meds she takes is trial and error, plus there is a week or two to see any effect. Anyone who says that people with depression should think positive, don’t have experienced any mentalissues or done some educational reading on the subject.

  • Danny

    October 30th, 2016 at 3:04 PM

    I’ve been depressed for so long I don’t even know what to do (two decades of major depression). No one listens or helps they just give you the run around; they treat me like an animal (because I’m a man). Nothing compares to the horror of depression..it’s soul-loss. I just pray that I won’t go homeless again..I’m gettin too old for this. The problem, as I see it, is, the world (the system) purports to take care of the victim, and it scorns the wealthy and prosperous. The fact is they hate the wealthy and prosperous but they really hate the ‘victim’ whom they [the powers that be] stomp on and do not take care of unless it suits p/c. The prosperous are a reflection of whom the authoritarian is not (and never will be) and the victim is, well it’s [the authoritarian’s] victim to stomp on and control. I say this because anytime I had a chance every single person and his aunt were trying to destroy me at every turn. Statism is the problem..without cronyism (welfare by the state, for the corporation) happiness wouldn’t be that far off because we’d be in alignment with basic principles and reality (natural law). Systemic dependency (crony capitalism and welfare) keep us dumbed down and under control by the government and it’s failed and corrupt institutions like Psychiatry. It’s a virtual prison.

    Thank you.

  • Jade

    November 7th, 2016 at 9:54 PM

    The article alone was enough to make me see that nothing will change this darkness.
    Then that first comment. Awoman whom grew up with a mother who was pertually depressed. Her and her siblings suffered because of it.
    I have a 2 year old and feel i will never fully be ok. I will never be exactly what he needs, and I will only damage him.
    I am so tired mentally and emotionally. I am tired of fighting something that consumed me along time ago.
    No amount of therapy will fix the the fact that the first 14 years I was alive I was abused.
    No meds.

    I love my son so much, but its not enough to fix me or keep me here.
    He will be better without me.
    The responses here make me see that.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    November 8th, 2016 at 10:16 AM

    Thank you for your courage in posting, Jade. Please know there is help available, and we are sending best wishes for hope and healing. ♥ We have helpful resources for what to do in crisis, or when you may be in danger of hurting yourself, here:https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Thinking of you,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Ben

    November 21st, 2016 at 5:56 PM

    Hi guys,
    I am writing this because I just want to express myself. I need help but I don’t know what to do. I have 2 kids + 1 stepchild with my current partner but for the last 2 years she has told me she doesn’t want to be with me anymore. I keep begging her to stay. She has packed boxes before, bought real estate forms home, even last week had actually organised for a house to move into. I found out, managed to beg her to stay(I have lost all my dignity :( ) At this stage it is just an 8 week thing. Most likely she will want to end it after that.
    I am so tired of being in a relationship where she doesn’t want to be with me. I cause more issues by constantly asking and wanting her to show me love. She says she tries but nothing is ever good enough. How can it be good enough when she keeps highlighting her feelings have changed and she doesn’t love me the same way anymore.
    I know our relationship should be ended, but I love her. Part of me is so scared to be alone. I suffer so much anxiety – I don’t meet other women and things like that. I live in a small town and work at night.
    My point is this has led me to a massive sprial of depression. I feel like (sorry for the “insensitiveness” here) killing myself. The pain I am feeling is so brutal that I am struggling to get through day-to-day. I don’t recognise myself. I am so sad that for the last 2 years instead of spending and enjoying time with my kids, I have let this issue consume me. I know there isn’t a quick fix. I don’t know what to do. Sorry for the rant everyone.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    November 22nd, 2016 at 10:27 AM

    Hi Ben,
    Thank you so much for leaving your comment. We appreciate the courage it takes to share your experiences. Please know there is help available. If you are in danger of hurting yourself, it is very important you seek assistance immediately. You can dial 911 in the United States or your local law enforcement, or visit your local emergency room. Please find further resources, including 24-hr hotlines for help dealing with suicidal thoughts or intent, on our crisis page: https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    If you would like to search for a therapist near you, you may do so with the GoodTherapy.org directory:https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

    We are thinking of you and wishing you all the best, Ben. Thank you again for writing in!
    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Gina

    December 16th, 2016 at 11:13 PM

    Time to move on. So sorry for you. It’s going to get better.

  • Kay

    November 30th, 2016 at 9:16 PM

    I came across this page looking for something on accepting that my depression is life long and have found one of the most honest, courageous and useful websites on depression I’ve ever encountered. Even the contributors who are angry and rude, mostly it seems because of a lack of understanding of themselves and others, have something valuable to add in illustrating something of what makes depression so hard to deal with, both for the sufferers and for those around them. My first episode of mental illness, which I later came to know as major depression, occurred when I was 10. I’m now 63. It has been my constant companion, sometimes taking a break, but always coming back. But what prompted me to this search was that just yesterday, finally climbing out of yet another sojourn with the black dog, I understood clearly and finally that this is with me for life. I surprised myself I think, having to accept consciously that I won’t be cured, and I won’t “grow out of it”, that in fact I do just have to keep managing it. And weird though it seems that it’s taken 50 odd years to come to this level of clarity, there is a considerable measure of relief in it. It’s not been accompanied by many new insights, but it has generated a great deal more determination to do more consistently what I have been doing over the last few years to try to live as well as possible. The first is to commit myself to taking to the warning signs seriously, instead of trying to convince myself that this time, I’ll stop the black dog in its tracks. Taking them seriously is often inconvenient, for me and others. It frequently means pulling out of work, or family or social obligations. But the consequences of continuing can be dreadful and harrowing, and make the inevitable depression even more horrible and prolonged. The second is to tell the truth about my illness. I have been letting friends and family know for quite a few years now that I have depression, but of late I’ve begun to name it every time it prevents me from seeing friends or meeting a deadline, even though that is sometimes confronting for me and the other person. I’m prepared to answer questions, and I don’t bristle like I used to do when some express uninformed views. I have argued for some years that we should understand the long term treatment of depression in the same way we do the long-term physical illnesses, without embarrassment or the expectation of others’ condemnation. And in fact what I find most often, is that even if people don’t always understand the ins and outs of the illness, they are caring and sympathetic. I find it’s much easier for me to withdraw until I’m better when I know I’m not being judged, and to re-enter the world when I’ve recovered, having nothing to hide and no excuses to make. To all of you living with depression, best wishes on this never easy road; and to those living with depressed partners or family members, go easy on them and yourselves, acknowledge what you’re living with and the courage it takes, and accept help with the dignity of knowing you deserve it as a human being who did not choose this illness. And while this is not a condition I would wish on anyone, I do think it sometimes gives sufferers and their supporters a rare insight into the sorrows of others, and a greater compassion for all those who suffer. Go well.

  • fahiamjfb

    December 1st, 2016 at 1:55 AM

    If using a treatment of medicine to ease an anxiety disorder or a depression disorder, the doctor may need to treat one first.
    Support groups, relaxation techniques, talk- therapy and exercise can all reduce the impact of either anxiety or depression disorders.

  • David

    December 19th, 2016 at 5:17 PM

    Hello Readers
    Right from being a boy I could never wake up in the mornings.
    I never could mix well with other children.
    Later in teenage years I longed for success yet failed every job I had my feeling of being trapped and not well.
    maybe 20 differenct jobs a year.
    Exhausted from mental thinking being around people,
    Endless jobs and relationships/
    Lost my home and my family and children.
    My thoughts and ideas change every moment I am very chaotic in my home cannot organise or plan.
    Extreme feelings of pain and sadness
    I feel inside like a child who is lost.
    Do not know where my home is.
    Sounds noises objects clutter irrittate me clothes I wear every thing seems to be a issue.
    I feel very negative.
    I wake up depressed changing thoughts and ideas all day make me tired.
    cleaning my home basically impossible.
    No happiness. No family and fighting with extreme emotional saddness and fear of life.
    I have had therapy and medications years and years now they tell me well we tried every thing we can.
    maybe its good we stop treatment and you accept the way you are.
    We cannot do anything for you.
    Its like I am on a constant roller coaster fear of every thing and changes in feelings all the time.
    I am 50 years old now. And I feel my life is waisted because I only sit behind the laptop because it takes me away from my feelings.
    Even stopped going to work this week because I do not want to be around people.
    Just so unhappy and noone can help.
    I think I was born this way bad genetics and some sort of autism that was untreated and 12 weeks premature traumatic birth??
    Its so so difficult.

  • Maria

    December 20th, 2016 at 9:37 PM

    I have not been diagnosed with any form of mental illness, but that is because I am in a situation where I am unable to receive any form of help. I know that I must have some form of depression, it is completely impossible for me to have felt this way for so incredibly long for there not to be something going on in my head. I have never verbally said any of this to a single soul, but it’s getting to a point where I just need to lay all of my feelings out, for myself more than anyone else. Feel free to stop reading here, this is going to be a very long and pointless comment :)
    The first time I felt any shred of this disabling sadness that has since consumed my life was when I was 11. There was zero reasoning behind it, I have a fairly privileged life, I have food and water and a house, my parents were still married, I was doing fine in school. This sadness just came out of nowhere. I started cutting myself, which lasted for about 4-5 years before I stopped. I was having pretty frequent suicidal thoughts, which have never gone away. I was hiding my cuts from everybody because I didn’t want anybody to feel bad for me, because I had nothing to feel bad about. But, when I was in the 8th grade, my mom accidentally saw my arm for a split second and grabbed me, then proceeded to tell me that I was just looking for a pity party and if she saw me do it again that she would drop me off at the front door of a mental hospital and leave me there. This is around the time that I figured out that my mother doesn’t “believe” in mental illness, she thinks it’s people who want pity, and that if someone is seriously that sad then it’s just because they need to try harder. This then caused me to stop cutting my arm, and move to my stomach and leg where she would never be able to see them.
    This sadness has come and gone throughout the years (I won’t say how many years it’s been because I wish to remain completely anonymous and don’t want to give out my age), sometimes it’s been mild but sometimes it’s been so bad that I’ve attempted suicide. I’ve attempted suicide 3 times, and all 3 have, obviously, not been successful.
    Flash forward to present day. For the past 8-ish months (I no longer really keep track of time and dates much), this sadness has completely taken over my life, without stopping. This is the longest bout I’ve ever had without breaks, and it is by far the worst in terms of the actual emotions I feel. In the past 6 months, I’ve left my house a total of 3 times, and only briefly. I am no longer in school, and my parents are pretty lenient in terms of me taking my time to find a job (the thought of getting a job is debilitating for me, the thought of even having a conversation is exhausting). I spend all day everyday in bed, sometimes napping, sometimes online, but most of the time is spent staring at a wall, or at my bookshelf (reading used to be the thing I love most, I would read a book a day, sometimes 2, but now I can’t remember the last time I had the urge to pick up a book) and just thinking or crying. I am completely unable to get any form of help, and at this point I’m not even sure if I want to anymore. I am still young, young enough where I wouldn’t be able to survive if my parents, well, gave up on me if you will. At this point, I’m just living with it. Maybe in a few years time I’ll be able to get some sort of help.
    I don’t want anybody’s pity, I don’t want anybody to be giving me phone numbers or resources that I can use, I just wanted to write everything out for myself so that I can try and understand my own brain. I’m sure nobody is even still reading, but if somebody is, sorry for complaining about all of this. I used a fake name and a fake email address to make this comment because knowing who I am would be completely pointless, you don’t need to worry about me or anything. I’ll be fine, just need to figure it out for myself a bit :)

  • neil

    December 29th, 2016 at 2:11 AM

    wish I had the answer

  • Olivia

    January 2nd, 2017 at 12:13 AM

    I was diagnosed with chronic depression when I was 10 and I personally believe I have Major Depressive Disorder. The pain won’t go away. It’s not depression anymore it’s just nonstop pain. I don’t want to tell anyone how I feel because everyone always reacts badly, they criticize me, they punish me, I feel like they take they human out of me. I’ve stopped living for myself a long time ago, I’m living for everyone else. I’m doing everything I can to keep myself alive; pills, therapy, hospitalization. None of it works, I’m tired of it all. I’m tired of people. I’m tired of being punished for something I can’t control. I’m tired of being kicked down again and again. I’m tired of everyone’s selfishness. I just want to die.

  • GoodTherapy Admin

    January 2nd, 2017 at 1:04 PM

    Dear Olivia,

    Thank you for your comment. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about self harm at https://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-self-harm.html and additional information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Blake M

    January 2nd, 2017 at 7:15 PM

    I was in my teens when first diagnosed with depression, but had made my first ( of many ) suicide attempts at age 9. Much older now and diagnosed with Chronic Major Depressive Disorder, PTSD – and everyone’s favorite constant companion – anxiety. And let’s not forget my DEath Wish. Turns out there really is such a thing. I really do understand when you said that you stopped living for yourself a long time ago. There are times when I wonder if I had EVER “lived for myself”. MY first conscious thought every morning for as long as I can remember is a plea to any higher power that exists is that be allowed to die today. And likewise, my last conscious thought every night ( for as long as I can remember ) is a plea thrown out to the Universe that I die in my sleep. For years, the various psychiatrists, psychologists, and therapists I’ve seen have used guilt as a means of corralling my suicidal urges. Keep telling me of the pain I would be inflicting upon those people in my life whom have shown a modicum of caring. And it’s not fair. People who have never suffered from true depression always seem to think it is something a person should be able to easily control – and some even try to make you feel as if you are trying to hurt the people in your life by not “snapping out of it”. I wish there was an easy answer, or at least better medications that actually worked.

  • Kira

    January 24th, 2017 at 2:35 PM

    I have been dealing with depression since I can first remember. It is so hard for me to go on and no one truly understands that pain my heart and brain goes through everyday. I am 21 years old. I am at the age to be partying, going to college, etc. but I literally just suffer everyday. I have no hope in myself. I have been in treatment and in therapy since I was a little girl. I also have PTSD and Anxiety. So, imagine having anxiety and depression combined. It’s a war in my head and it’s so HARD for me want to continue on. I feel all I do is just bring everyone down and feel my time should come soon. It’s so hard to want to live.

  • neil

    January 28th, 2017 at 1:53 AM

    Hi Kira I would just like to say don’t give up. Iam not going to try and tell you what or what not to do because everyone’s situation is different. What I can say for definite you are not alone!
    Without going into too much detail I myself have suffered many years ,had some real low times but I constantly fight this when iam well enough.
    My biggest problems along side anxiety and depression are the aftereffect. Concentration and MEMORY are effected massively and due to this self help is so difficult.
    I recently found a guy who had posted a simple explanation and ways of combating certain situations within Depressive and anxiety episodes.
    Please don’t give up I can send you this booklet it may help.
    Regards Neil.

  • Ravan

    February 5th, 2017 at 8:00 AM

    When I was around 5 years old I had this feeling I didn’t understand. I felt that way after a couple of cousins called me a “monster.” I knew why they called me that at such a young age, its because I was overweight and they thought I was lazy. When I heard them talking I pretended to be asleep. Now 19 I understand that it was depression. At 5 in kindergarten, I hated seeing my reflection and preferred to avoid mirrors since. I’m better with mirrors, but I’m still overweight. My maternal grandfather and one of my uncles were bipolar they both killed themselves; and my mother was depressed and recently died by OD, 7 years ago my dad died too from him putting the shotgun away, that was also when I was 12 in sixth grade.
    Before he died, I’d find any excuse to stay home from school. It was really stressful. Mom always got me to school on time, but her job at Express Scripts clocked her in at 5:30AM (which is one of the worst employers ever, the company and customers treat you like shit, which wasn’t a good job for a woman who got depressed all the time) but dad would sometimes bring me to school late, and that year the school adopted more strict absence and late rules. Punishments would be the same for lates and absences, because they considered a late an absence. Those punishments would be after school detention and Saturday detention if it was more often. I would feel like I’d get cornered all the time by school staff. I was such a well behaved, good, obedient kid, that all of the scrutiny made me feel really scared and depressed. On top of than, in 2009-2010, being emo was cool. I was real emo emotionally, but felt fake emo because of all I had, even after my dad died. I felt fake and bad for feeling depressed. My middle school was 5 miles away, but was near my grandmother’s house which was 1 mile away.
    Before middle school in 4th and 5th grade I felt unlovable and that no boy would like me because I was overweight, and I still feel like that because in high school some boys would sexually harass me. By now when any boy stares at me at my breasts or my butt what registers in my mind is “Bucket list, they’re only looking at me because being with with a fat girl is on their bucket list…”
    Back to 12, I really felt unloved because family started to ignore my mom, brother, and I because my mom relapsed into hard drugs. I was so innocent, I didn’t even know. I didn’t know she started using in her tweens. My family didn’t tell me, one of my mom’s friends sat me down and explained it to me. I was only 12. No one was helping me, mom’s friend couldn’t help me, she was busy with her own life. And my mother was insufferable when she wasn’t sober. She would manipulate people and push people trying to help her away. And I didn’t know better, I thought I was supposed to do it on my own. I was taught to stay away from cops because my parents pirated movies, TV, video games, and music. For the most part I was alone.
    Then in 8th grade, people were always in and out of the house. They were always beginning adulthood at 21 or a few years older. Mom partied all the time, had the music real loud, and I was born such a square of a person that I couldn’t concentrate. She made me feel desperate. She made me feel unloved, because I’d ask her nicely to stop, to turn it down. One of my birthdays was dedicated to her having a party, it wasn’t about me, it was about her. Every time I’d confront her about this feeling she’d shoot me down and get really upset about me even considering that she loves music and partying and drugs more than me, but none of her actions conveyed her love anymore. She’d get me involved in her fights, her love life. I’d have to scream at her (once lost my voice) to stop being a child. I’d have to kick, punch, and slap her to get duster out of her hands. I’d have to listen to her wallow and scream when she was high on duster. I just had a really bad time, and I remember the bad way more than the good. I had a cute, sweet, nice friendship in 12th grade (I saw proof via old emails) but I didn’t remember it at all; I just remember feeling depressed. I snapped with her by her third boyfriend who just oozed toxicity and morally corrupted her, and then lived with my fraternal grandmother.
    I feel like the depression episodes explain me, because I remember good times, but know that depression just lingers off of me. I feel so bad for not being good enough. My grades have often been average and my high school grades are such a failure by junior year. I wanted to do things myself in junior year and went to online school (which was my 7th grade mistake escape, I did really well until I learned that I worked through Christmas break…). Really big mistake. I was alone, and I’ve always been scared and too stubborn to ask for help. I’m really sensitive to rejection. I had honor roll then dropped to 1.5GPA. I couldn’t do it by myself, but I didn’t want to repeat a year at real high school. I stuck out to my senior year but got kicked out due to sparse attendance… I love learning, but I don’t have motivation. It doesn’t help that I want things done meticulously my way and efficiently (left handed). People now bully on me time to time about getting a driver’s licence, a GED, a job, but I feel so crippled. I try to get myself on the road to those things, but then I start crying, because it all reminds me about being called a monster at five, and feeling unloved. I lash out at the people nicest to me. I get so heated about people telling me what to do. I don’t pay attention to my phone which isolates me. I’m such a hermit, and people say I have a glow when I go out, but I really dread doing it before I go and get so tired when I’m back home. I try to start working out to feel better, but I quit every time; I’ll feel good about myself but I wont feel happy, even after a month of working out. When I’m dead tired I can’t fall asleep, and I think about all these bad things when I try to go to sleep. My mind is such a chatter-brain. When I’m depressed, I wrap myself in denial and don’t realize that it made me sad until months later. I’m sad all the time. I’ve stopped enjoying things. There’s a pit in me I’d fill with binge watching shows, playing video