The Lies We Tell When We Are Depressed

woman hiding behind maskEven the most honest people are faced with lying when they are depressed. This is yet another indignity adding to the suffering of depression. The most obvious and pervasive example is the frequent, daily question, “How are you?” It is a social convention to greet friends, strangers, and acquaintances with this question. Frankly, most of us lie in response to this question, or at least shade or limit the truth, because people generally don’t want to hear the true answer when they ask. Convention tells us to answer, “I’m fine, thanks; how are you?” For most people most of the time, this isn’t a big deal. It’s just a formality that facilitates greeting people, and is understood as a friendly hello. It’s not generally a problem because mostly people are fine, and don’t need to tell someone about the rash on their butt or the dog poo they stepped in.

But for a depressed person, the lies required for social convention are constant, and they create more and more isolation and separateness from other people. They reinforce a sense of having a shameful secret that no one wants to know or help them resolve. It reinforces a sense of being a burden or unlovable. All of these thoughts are common in depression, and to have them reinforced all day long by multiple people is crushing. Many people deal with it by isolating themselves from others if they can.

Of course, we all expect to lie to store clerks and other strangers, or even coworkers or neighbors, when they ask how we are and the truthful answer is too personal. But what about when a doctor asks—or clergy, someone we’re dating, our parents, our children, or our friends? What if what we are thinking is, “I hate myself,” “I’m disgusting,” “I’m a failure,” “Everyone would be better off if I were dead,” “I can’t stand the emotional pain anymore,” or even “Day after day I can barely get out of bed, and when I do, I can’t do anything—I’m neglecting my children and spouse, doing a terrible job at work, and have no interest or joy in anything”?

If people say these thoughts aloud, they are likely to get an upsetting response. Some will tell them they don’t really feel that way, or shouldn’t feel that way. Some will try to cheer them up. Others will shame or blame them for how they suffer. Many will get scared; some may laugh. Some will distance themselves. Even some inexperienced therapists may get distracted by their fear of suicide and shift focus to keeping the person alive rather than addressing the pain. Good friends may listen and care, but if the condition is chronic, they get tired of listening to the same scary, depressing point of view that is their friend’s experience.

Here’s an example of the kind of conversation depressed people have all the time, in this case between friends. The italics indicate unspoken thoughts.

Friend: “Hi, how are you?”

Depressed person: I feel like crap, but if I say that, she’ll think I’m being negative and tease me about being Eeyore. I don’t want to alienate her or make her depressed, and I also don’t want to answer a lot of questions to explain or justify how I feel. I’d better act like I’m OK. Maybe she won’t notice. “I’m fine, how are you?”

Friend: She doesn’t look good, but I don’t want to pry, and I don’t know what to do if I find out she’s not OK, so I’ll just wait for her to tell me what’s wrong. Exercise would probably help her—maybe I can inspire her. “I’m good—just had a great workout.”

Depressed person: Oh, god, she thinks I’m a fat slug. I don’t have the energy to brush my teeth, much less work out. I’m a worthless piece of crap. I’ll never be a normal person like her. Everyone else just goes on with their lives, and everything would go on the same way without me. I’m really not a participant in life; I’m just dead weight. “Wow, that’s awesome. I have to get back to the gym, too. How’re the kids?”

Friend: If I entertain her with stories, maybe it will cheer her up …

Depressed person (tuning in and out of stories): I’ve told her how crappy I felt—or some of it—both times I’ve seen her recently. If she knows I’m still depressed, she’ll probably be bored and overwhelmed and won’t want to see me again until I feel better. Maybe I can just talk about one problem. “Yeah, I really worry about my kids. Henry punched a kid at school the other day …”

The depressed person walks away from the visit feeling alone in her secret life and drained from keeping the secret.

This is one of the most important reasons to find an experienced, qualified depression therapist when depression lasts longer than a few weeks. It’s essential to be able to tell someone the whole truth about how much you’re suffering, without concern that the person will discount you, disbelieve, judge, get distracted by fear about what you are saying, or respond with boredom, irritation, or impatience. As obvious as that may sound, not many people can do this for others.

© Copyright 2013 GoodTherapy.org. All rights reserved. Permission to publish granted by Cynthia W. Lubow, MS, MFT, therapist in El Cerrito, California

The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.

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  • cindy p

    cindy p

    September 19th, 2013 at 12:14 PM

    So I am not sure that I know what I am supposed to say. I am afraid that if I say what I am really feeling then no one will want to be my friend anymore so I just do the polite thing and say that I am doing fine. I honestly feel that there is a time and a place to unload and that maybe with friends or with the friendly store clerk, this isn’t always the best place to do it.

  • Shelly

    Shelly

    September 20th, 2013 at 12:15 AM

    I hope this alerts you that I replied, by me answering here.
    I wrote to you in my comment, I hope you read it!

  • Tabby

    Tabby

    July 26th, 2017 at 8:54 PM

    Me too. my grandma and my best friend have depression anxiety, and I told my best friend that I don’t feel literally ANY emotion. No sadness, no anger, no feeling annoyed, no excitement, or any type of happiness. I asked her if that means I’m depressed, since she would know, and all she said was that my feelings were technically gone. Like… What?

  • Tom

    Tom

    October 10th, 2018 at 4:51 PM

    This is so long ago, but I’m right there the same way. It’s a complete drag.

  • Diddy

    Diddy

    October 28th, 2018 at 3:00 AM

    I’m here for you if you ever need to talk. You’re not alone.

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT

    Cynthia Lubow, MFT

    September 19th, 2013 at 4:49 PM

    I agree with you, Cindy, that these are generally necessary lies, but want to acknowledge how challenging this is. I think it is important to find places and people where you are safe to tell all of the truth and know you will be understood and not judged. Having that makes the rest of the time more tolerable.

  • Shelly

    Shelly

    September 20th, 2013 at 12:13 AM

    I worked behind a register for years and I always appreciated the honest answers! Not many people are like me, but when my customers were honest about having a hard time I went the extra mile to make them laugh or smile.
    Being honest and saying “not that great, how are you?” is not “unloading” on them- they asked! If you are honest, but not specific, you may feel a sense of relief (honesty is refreshing) and you will probably get a kind response. If they ask you why things aren’t that great, you don’t have to answer them specifically you can just say “Its too much to get into, but thanks for caring!”

    To Cindy P above, if people don’t want to be friends with you because you are not happy all the time, those people aren’t friends. Its better to test them and find out, because “false friends” drain your energy, they take and don’t give, and if you are having a hard time then you really don’t need sponges around you. I hope you come back and read this!
    You see, I’m a complete stranger and I cared enough to reply, your friends should meet a higher standard than a complete stranger just did! You can ease the tension by making a joke after your honest answer, it lets people know its ok to keep talking in a friendly way.

  • Laurie

    Laurie

    September 20th, 2013 at 3:49 AM

    I don’t think that any of us haven’t been in this spot, that we don’t say one theing and then mean something else. I think that most of the time it all kind of stems from always being told that if you don’t have anything nice to say then don’t say anything at all. So when someone asks how I am doing, even when I don’t feel top notch, my incliniation is going to be to say that I am fine because this is the best thing that I can say at the moment. I don’t necessarily think that little lies like this are harmful or that they are going to hold you back from healking even when you are depressed.

  • Stacy Harp

    Stacy Harp

    September 20th, 2013 at 7:07 AM

    The real problem isn’t that people can’t tell the truth when they are depressed, the real problem is that people CHOOSE to lie when they are depressed. If people can’t handle the truth, that’s too bad. It’s their problem. The problem with most depressed people is that they are too self absorbed. Most people CHOOSE to stay depressed and they CHOOSE to dwell on their feelings, instead of take action and do something outside of themselves. Even those who suffer from brain disorders like bipolar, often CHOOSE to make the wrong decisions, when they know better. There really is no excuse to lie. Tell the truth and if people can’t handle it, they will have to deal with it.

  • Shelly

    Shelly

    September 20th, 2013 at 9:29 PM

    Stacy, you are saying that depressed people choose to have a deficiency of dopamine and serotonin (among other things)? Most depression, that occurs as you described it, is biochemically based. (With “situational depression” based on life events, usually they will choose to pull out of it eventually, because they aren’t “wired” for the depression. And I always felt that there should be a seperate category for it)
    The chemistry of the brain makes “fighting back” more difficult than you seem to understand, (no, its not impossible, but its hard). But, when people have a bad attitude about depression and blame the sufferer (as you just did) it makes it pretty hard for them to gain the external support they need to fight against it.
    Even more difficult is bipolar disorder, that’s classified as “biologically based”, its completely biochemical. In the manic phase, people can feel invincible. Consequences don’t exist, or seem very unlikely to occur, when the brain starts over pumping those feel good chemicals the little voice in your head that says “stop” gets really quiet. Sleep is almost impossible to get, depriving them of that renewal, and that starts to cause irritation and a whole mess of sleep deprivation issues.
    In the depression phase the chemistry is so opposite the manic phase that energy is depleted, sometimes that results in sleeping for days, and things that usually would make a person happy- just don’t anymore.
    That’s not “choosing”. Its chemical.
    If you haven’t been in those shoes, please don’t pass judgement. It is likely that you have no idea how much education and work it takes to fight back. I think you are looking at actions from the outside, and believing you know what thoughts occur on the inside, but from your description I doubt you have experienced it.

  • ZIGGY

    ZIGGY

    April 30th, 2017 at 3:08 AM

    I write to thank Shelley and her response to ‘Stacey’ who believes depression is a choice. Is having diabetes a choice? Is a heart attack a choice? Or a stroke? What about motor neuron disease and multiple sclerosis, are they chosen by those who suffer these diseases? They are irrefutably NOT a CHOICE. That Shelly could respond to you so tactfully, showing her to be an empathetic, kind and genuine soul shows a wonderful human being and I truly thank her for that. I am in the midst of a suicidal crisis so forgive me if I’m getting names wrong. I can barely read or do anything due to the alienating, isolating disease I did not choose. I don’t understand what you are doing in this forum with your beliefs and if I was feeling better, I would be writing a whole lot more. I’m sure I’m one of many who are incensed by your comments and wonder what the criteria and/or vetting of people writing of their experiences with depression actually are. This is a SUPPORT group and your comments are beyond enraging, thoughless, insensitive . . . I am truly grateful to have found this site and hope to return to it when I’m feeling ‘back to me.’

  • Tabby

    Tabby

    July 26th, 2017 at 9:07 PM

    Thank you! You have defended me, and SOOOOO many other people! watching my crush on my phone used to make me so happy, especially since we are 3.5 years apart. But, not anymore. I still pretend to be happy, but I’m not. I would get so excited for reading, not anymore. My friends aren’t as funny anymore, as I would laugh at almost everything that 2 of them would say. The point of this comment is to thank you for expressing me inside. Everything inside me is organs. No emotions.

  • Cher

    Cher

    April 23rd, 2018 at 12:26 PM

    You got that right

  • realist

    realist

    August 1st, 2016 at 12:13 PM

    i think your comments about choosing to be depressed are obnoxious and show you have no idea what people go through. Who would choose depression ?i have had a breakdown and still got back on with my life obtaining a law degree after raising five children with one husband dying and one walking out leaving me with nothing at 44 with two young girls at home. no financial support. no family as abandoned by both parents. Never drank or taken any drugs not even for depression. People do not choose depression it chooses you.

  • Janet

    Janet

    October 31st, 2017 at 12:37 AM

    Wow . . . It must be very self gratifying to have such insight into depression . . . Every person in the world with depression would no doubt wish they were like you . . . I certainly do . . . wish that I were so emotionally cold and detached from reality that I could make the choice to Not experience depression . . . my life would be so much better than have the depressive episodes I have . . . I wish I could make that choice right now because I HATE . . . HATE . . . HATE suffering with depression, oh how I wish I Could Control it . . . but I can’t . . . and that’s the part of it that I HATE THE MOST!!! So, oh you with such clear and infinite insight . . . can you please tell me just how I can make the depression Not get a hold of me . . . Please??? Because I really do Hate it :(

  • Claire

    Claire

    September 25th, 2013 at 3:21 PM

    Your comments are great Shelly. You are spot on with everything, and I bet you are a lovely friend. I wish there were more people out there like you.

  • Shelly

    Shelly

    December 9th, 2013 at 10:22 AM

    Thank you very much! I am glad someone read them, and appreciate the feedback!

  • k

    k

    November 3rd, 2013 at 10:27 AM

    I’ve been depressive for years, I know that sometimes I am happy and have many reasons to be happy, and sometimes I’m just not, sometimes for no reason. Every day I seem to lose the battle in my head, I’ve been screwed over by so many people and every where I look, every new person I meet, I can see the corruption inside them and how most people are simply NOT GOOD people. I am incredibly lonely and isolated and terrified that I’ll never have friends again because I can’t seem to deal or accept how self-absorbed, selfish, spiteful, cruel and vindictive people can be all the while thinking they are truly a good person. If anyone has a clue how to get over this…I’d love to know. Also, how to find a good therapist? In my area things are incredibly expensive and I can’t afford to pay someone $100+ an hour, besides even if I could afford $200 a month, would 2 hours a MONTH of therapy really be successful? I’ve tried engaging in a lot of different things (sports, social events, etc.) but none have worked so therapy sounds like my only option left, but is there some sort of alternative to paying so much for help? I don’t think ending up homeless trying to pay for a therapist would really help me…

  • Shelly

    Shelly

    December 9th, 2013 at 10:32 AM

    I hope you come back and see this, if you have insurance call their mental health dept and get a list of the “in network” options, that should be much cheaper and you don’t have to release the files to other doctors. If you don’t have insurance, it might be useful to pursue insurance or check the social services in your area for free counseling services.
    You can try google and type “free therapy” or “free counseling” plus your area and investigate those services.
    If you can not find anything, try an online support group where you can remain anonymous and choose groups that fit you best. daily Strength .org has hundreds of online support groups!
    I hope this helps, because I really can relate to what you wrote about seeing the corruption in the world and feeling like most people you encounter are fakes or frauds. That’s one of the reasons that I took the time to respond, hopefully you come back and read this!

  • invisible

    invisible

    November 20th, 2013 at 5:21 PM

    Been trying to find someone who understands the shame I’ve felt for years for always being so depressed. I totally hide my true experience, even from my therapists because I can’t stand this about myself. This article is the first time I’ve realized how exhausting it is living with this and always trying to hide it. But it’s so true, always have felt alone and misunderstood. Tried so many medications, used drugs and alcohol, fighting an eating disorder. Only a few really close people have a clue. Facebook is the best when depressed. Can fake it really well just how excited about life I am. But inside I’m crumbling, socially isolated, sick of pretending and more than anything sick of living so depressed and alone.

  • Shelly

    Shelly

    December 9th, 2013 at 10:57 AM

    Here’s hoping you come back and read this!
    You shouldn’t feel ashamed of being depressed. If you read my previous comment to someone else about brain chemistry, if you have been feeling that way for years then its most likely biochemical for you.
    I try not to tell people “how to feel” but shame is a horrible feeling and I am hoping that my words can lessen that for you. What you say to yourself is really powerful, If you tell yourself that how you feel is “shameful” then you are unlikely to reach out to anyone and that can trap you in a negative thought pattern. Breaking free of negative thought can make a big difference for you, it won’t fix everything, but it makes things better.
    If you look at depression as a “shameful secret” you are unlikely to make the positive changes that will help you find what works best for you as an individual.
    Try reaching out, just a little, maybe even anonymously online (like this right here!) or at an online support group. I think you will find that how you feel is common and nothing to be ashamed of. Hopefully you can find a release of that emotion somewhere.
    There are people who just don’t respond well to medications and/ or traditional therapy, but there are other options. There are many kinds of therapy, if something isn’t working at all after a few months then its time to change the plan!
    Changes in thought pattern and changes to make your lifestyle healthier can help.
    I hope this helps you, or someone!

  • Guest

    Guest

    November 29th, 2013 at 1:42 PM

    If I’m feeling neutral or actually great my answer to “How are you?” Is usually highly positive, like “Great!”, or “Awesome!” It’s not just answering a factual question, it’s putting effort into making the interaction a positive one for me and whoever I’m talking to. That’s what small talk is.

    If I’m feeling lousy or depressed, then I give a pleasant but obviously lackluster response like “I’m alright” or “Oh, I’m ok, how are you?” The tone of voice matters, I’m basically saying “I’m not feeling my best and I’m letting you know without dumping it on you or making this conversation awkward.”

    At this point a socially capable person knows (either instinctively or rationally) that they can either keep things light, ask subtle questions to offer me an opportunity to vent to them a little, or be generous with kind words or humor in an attempt to raise my spirits.

    My “white lie” responses aren’t dishonest and I never feel like they are. I’m still sincerely communicating my true feelings using widely accepted social convention and subtext. It might be misunderstood, but that doesn’t make me a liar.

  • Shelly

    Shelly

    December 9th, 2013 at 10:38 AM

    That’s a great description of how to be honest about how you feel, without feeling like you overstepped some social line.
    What really matters is that you feel like you were honest, and you do. The lies weigh on you when you feel like you are hiding all the time, you found a great way to navigate social rules & be true to yourself. I hope others read it!

  • Mari

    Mari

    January 1st, 2014 at 12:58 PM

    I just wrote a ton and it went away. I can relate to the darkness some people feel when life feels hopeless. Growing up with a mother who was likely npd and emotionally absent father, I was groomed to be the fixer but now that I am an adult and chose to step out, I am the target of massive scapegoating.

    My youngest sister lived with us after college, my bio kids adored her, my police husband enjoyed having her with us. Barby met Ken. We warned her of the danger signs but it was her choice. Soon she started to reject us, to isolate us from family events. Ken turned out to be a sociopath but she refused to see. The extended family treated her as the victim but over 20 years allowed her to act out at us. When we set boundaries, we were punished. they emotionally abused our second son to the point I am not allowed to be close to him or it sets off his ptsd. He quit pharm school because of the issues. Do you know how it feels to lose a child, over and over? Even with years of therapists, the loss goes on.

    Much of this was subtle, no one would belive us. Now after being happily married 30 years, we struggle how to cope. There is much jealousy for the life successes I have had, but they found ways to undermine each joyful event in our life. Using third parties and even others denied how their actions made it worse being part of the negative ripple they would start. So even close friends accuse us of causing our own pain and loss rather than just support how we feel and wish to move on.

    Instead of finding support, we have been rejected. They grew tired of seeing us struggle to overcome each trauma and move on. I nearly died 20 years ago with the death threats to our children during my sister’s divorce. Being bullied by family, the cases my husband had, I was not expected to live. Our three older children faced so much and none of our relatives reached out.

    We focused on what we could do in our life. I refused to take the medical sentence. I was a nurse over 20 years by then and went back to school. One day a week, I pretended I was well. Just a few hours of class and told no one the rest. I managed to get on my feet, taught wellness classes instead of being a hospital then homecare nurse. As our three older ones were leaving for college they asked why we never gave a home to an orphan.

    we had no idea how adding to our family would cause so much more trauma for all of us but we have no regrets. We just wish we knew how to move forward now.

    My Dad was okay with this plan, our older children each doing well, and must better than most. We knew everyone else lived in fear. Accusing us of being too old, our child of having SARs when she was NOT from China! Being banned from family events, and back stabbings to the point we cut ties.

    We now have three awesome adopted children but with each major life event for us, my siblings managed to undermine and destroy so much. they convinced our parents we were bad, that we were unfit yet how could they know if we were not even around?

    a year ago Halloween time two sisters made false allegations to my husband’s job. He could have been put in jail, lost his credentials for life, lost his pension for life with the ethical violations they stated. They forget I lived the situation and never spoke a word to protect my sister in spite of the years of being bullied and excluded. We had been struggling two years with some extreme pain condition with our oldest adopted daughter after she jumped off a swingset. My sisters accused me of injecting drugs to make her ill, of being an abusive mother. They had never been with us, except at my God daughter’s baby shower. I tried to be polite to everyone, took my young girls to speak to all the relatives and move on with life at this shower. After helping to clean up I slipped them out so they did not realize they were not allowed to spend the weekend like everyone else. Driving five hours home in deep emotional pain I find an email from my God daughter and her sister saying I ruined the event.

    Suddenly I am cut out of her life, from her extended family I had grown close with and never knew when her baby came. I was left with the hand made items unsent. She was like a daughter to me all these 28 years but her mother, my sister was jealous of our relationship, of how close I was with her mother in law. But the mother in law was adopted and sought me out. She fear how the family might react if they ever found out. Someone told her I was mocking her! I am crushed. this is not something I would ever do especially knowing her past.

    Ken was a sociopath and taught my sister well. They knew I was the biggest threat to his abuse so he taught her how to bully but my mother raised my siblings to also put others down when they felt inferior.

    I am the target, the scapegoat, for I refused to play those games. They are in pain and do not want to admit any flaw. I asked forgiveness for whatever I have done to upset them. I asked what I could do, offered to pay for joint therapy, but all I got was more abuse. More lies. More threats to destroy my life.

    But how can a person know what a third party will say or do, it makes it so painful and no way to stop. I have been fighting for our daughter’s well being but suddenly realize these allegations could take our children! My hubby could have gone to jail, me to prison, and lose our income for life?

    We sought legal advice, went to therapists, to Priests for spiritual guidance…and now we have no one. Only silence. For over a year none of our friends have reached out, no relative or even cousin. No one wants to get near us because of the threat of my family.

    I am so beaten, realizing I never was loved or heard. I never did the things I was accused of but no one wants to stand up to them to be in relationship with us, its too risky. No one let us join them for thanksgiving or Christmas or took our invitations. In the years before we always had places to go, people to see. Last night we sat on our couch with the three little ones pretending this is what we chose. Its much different when its forced.

    The police therapist wants my husband to divorce me to stop this cycle. I feel if I were gone, he could then remarry to finally have a real support system now he knows what to seek. I am so physically weak with adrenal fatigue, thyroid failure, low blood count for unknown reasons, suddenly uncontrolled blood pressure, the dr said my body cannot live much longer this way.

    the therapist I now see understands trauma but has not told me how to cope with the deep emotions of loss, grief and abandonment that sometimes make me cry so hard I wish it were over. I cannot stand seeing my little ones grieve, my husband so troubled. He has never stood up for me which is another issue I struggle. People think of a cop as a strong man but he sat silently when the neighbor charged me at the fence, cussing and making threats. Just hours before this neighbor charged into our back yard after waiting for my husband to leave. He took such a strong swing at me our youngest adopted son thought he was trying to kill his Mommy so he shut down emotionally for months. Our 16 yr old exchange student saw it and was so upset but my husband said I should let it go, it would make it worse. I ducked so hard I broke my foot, twisted my knee out, my glasses broke when they fell on the rocks and an earring from our exchange student is still lost out there. I would not believe my husband felt no need to stand up, to walk with me inside or set limits with that man! I guess I am wrong to want help or protection. I felt as if he does not love ME enough to protect me for this is not the only time. He must feel its not his place or has such an emotional block? I just wanted to fix the flooding and erosion issues before they neighbors moved. We thought they were friends of 12 years. This man was our babysitter’s dad, his kids nearly grew up in our home with they both worked long hours! They emailed threats to sue us if we spoke to them, their kids, their realtor so nothing was ever resolved. I went over at the open house to speak to the realtor who saw things but he said to contact their attorney. Our daughter was so ill, we expected disclosure laws to take care of this but it got worse with more bad situations I do not have time to explain.

    Some might say I should leave my husband, but he is devoted to us in all the other ways. He knows he needs to look at his role and is working with someone. The harm to the children losing dad would be so much worse. The adoption circle knew us as good parents. But we all have our issues.

    Has anyone ever lost all their friends, relatives and supports? How do you cope when you realize no one cares enough to just stay in touch? To give you hope to keep going? To not scold or judge but to lift you up when you need a real friend? To feel so alone and like such a failure you realize how much damage you cause to the ones you love you do believe they would end up better without you? No one will simply speak truth for us or with us to help stop this so it grows. They would stop if they knew people were aware of the truth, but no one will risk doing that. Instead they disown us out of fear of their own neck.

    I am not a person to shy from what needs to be done. Years of being bullied and banned, when my Dad called saying Ken had a gun, to go get my sister, I did not hesitate. When the neighbor’s son ran out in front of an oncoming car on our street, I did not hesitate and it was so close it brushed my elbow. Now they do not talk to us? What makes other do this? We took them meals when each child was born, entertained the kids when she was on a business trip, held their hand when her dad died and more. They used to enjoy our little ones until we are no longer outside much with our daughter in pain and now we need the support.

    The denial amazes me. Other people are allowed to have needs or crisis but not us. Do people only see us as givers? My husband is very resistant to asking for help which does not help. He wants to be the one to fix things but says we do not need friends. He does not see how this hurts. He says I can go out anytime I want, but he wants to come home and just relax. I had to give up my hobbies and groups the last three years with an ill daughter, but no one in those groups even called to ask.

    sorry this is long. I do not expect a fix, but would appreciate any direction incase I have not tried it. I feel like an empty battery with no chargers. The pain of feeling abandoned on every level takes my will to push on away. I was so used to filling this emptiness in others, I did not realize I had it also.

    thanks,
    Marie

  • GoodTherapy.org Support

    GoodTherapy.org Support

    January 3rd, 2014 at 12:11 PM

    Thank you for your comment, Mari. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about domestic violence at https://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-domestic-violence.html and additional information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • NM

    NM

    April 11th, 2017 at 9:25 PM

    “Has anyone ever lost all their friends, relatives and supports? How do you cope when you realize no one cares enough to just stay in touch? To give you hope to keep going? ”
    Marie – I have. And when this happens – you yell and scream at the one who comes back, asking them how did they just leave you, when you have never once done anything so cruel. It does not end. After the rage dies, there is such a loss of life inside you. That i would say, instead, dream and plan and fix what you can in your life, and make your next steps.
    All I can share hope lies inside you and not outside

  • T

    T

    January 24th, 2014 at 5:11 AM

    Depressed people are the only humans I can relate to, not because of their depression, but because of their meekness and sensitivity. Such amazing rare qualities. The confident big mouths of the world could learn a thing or two from the humble depressed.

  • Solitarian

    Solitarian

    January 31st, 2014 at 9:33 AM

    You’re Captcha gave me false information, and then ate my post. lol I’m tired and don’t feel like writing it again because it took too long already, and expressing emotions, thoughts, and experiences is enjoyable social interaction, but severely exhausting for me.

    I don’t require a response to that, and certainly don’t want an apology, it’s all good. It happens and can’t be undone. I generally try to copy these post boxes on various sites around the web, before I hit the submit, but failed to do so this time. So the fault is entirely mine.

    So I’ll just say:
    “Thank you for your interesting article.”
    And bid you a fond adieu.

  • Linda J

    Linda J

    June 10th, 2014 at 6:38 AM

    I’m glad I came across this article. I think it might explain something I just experienced. Even so, I’d like to get an opinion on it.

    I was recently dating a depressed man and the relationship fell apart because he withdrew so much. It was very confusing and sad for me. We agreed to be friends for now.

    Anyway, he had two Facebook accounts–#1 (with v good friends and people from his country, which happens to be at war) and #2 (with some acquaintances). At one point, he deactivated #1, telling me it was too much effort for him to respond to comments and that certain posts he was seeing related to news re: his country were really depressing him. He friended me on #2, the less active one, just so we’d have a place to chat.

    Recently, his depression got worse (his mother may be dying) and the contact decreased even more. He then said he was planning to deactivate account #2 as well. In other words, he’d be totally off of Facebook. The reason he gave was that he was seeing news re: his country (the excuse for his active account). But on his status, he wrote in another language, that he’d be taking a quick break due to ‘technical difficulties.’ Not long after this, he deleted the account.

    Yesterday, for whatever reason, I searched for him on another FB account of mine he didn’t know about. Sure enough, his account #1 is back online! He either did not deactivate it or he put it back up again recently–without re-friending me. The worst part of this–he actually blocked me.

    I feel really hurt that he deceived me this way. He always seemed like an honest guy. I’m shocked he’d do that. But then reading this post, I think that he lied because interacting with me is too much for him. He might feel like a failure since he didn’t get help for his depression, which is what led to our demise. He also pushed me away and said quite a few times, “I don’t want to burden you with my depression.” Perhaps he doesn’t want me to see him suffering? Or maybe he doesn’t want to see me living my life and doing things we’d hoped to do together?

    I’m trying to make sense of how he could lie to me, but I suspect it’s the depression. In my mind, I’d like to justify it and even forgive it somehow, but I’m struggling.

    Any thoughts?

    Thanks.

  • Janet

    Janet

    July 12th, 2014 at 9:50 AM

    I’ve pushed people away like this before. It’s always 2 reasons. First is guilt because I’m burdening the person. Second has to do with the low self-esteem that is part of depression. I start to think that the person is eventually going to get sick of listening to me, or that they’re already sick of it but are just being nice. It’s easier for me to cut ties than to keep feeling paranoid that the person doesn’t want to talk to me or that they’ll eventually hate me. I’ve even intentionally been rude to someone to try to end the friendship.

  • Gail

    Gail

    July 19th, 2014 at 6:21 PM

    I feel like if I start to tell the truth, even lightheartedly, and someone tries to be kind and ask what’s wrong, I will just start sobbing and have trouble stopping. The emotions are all just barely kept at bay and easily leak out of the dam if someone enquires about me in a kind way. Saying I’m fine and moving on, maybe asking about them, distracts things away from me. I’m so tired of the subterfuge. Resolved to seek out a therapist and start telling the truth. When I have seen therapists in the past I lied about my true feelings and issues because I hated those things about me (so PATHETIC) and wanted them to like me. Kept feeling that they’re only being nice to me because they have to . I paid them. Yet, can’t talk to friends or family because I don’t want to burden them. Depressed people make other people depressed. My father has always been depressed, and even suicidal, and I hated hearing him talk to me about how awful his life was. If I can’t listen to my own dad, who can truly wasn’t to hear my depressing stories?

  • CK

    CK

    July 22nd, 2014 at 8:12 PM

    I am seeing a therapist and she tells me to try and be positive. How can you be positive when you just can’t get out of the funk you’ve been in for all of your life. I’m now to the point of not being able to get out of bed. I sleep all of the time, I feel no joy in my life and don’t know where to turn. I can’t talk about my feelings of worthlessness to anyone as I don’t think that anyone would understand. Been this way all of my life. I really would like to know why?

  • Tracy

    Tracy

    November 11th, 2014 at 10:00 PM

    Maybe you could try a different therapist? Being told to be positive when you are depressed is like telling a paraplegic to just get up and walk. It’s really hard when you feel so down I have been there so many times I feel your pain hun. I have found that there are 2-3 people that I can really open up to and it really helps to be heard even if they don’t understand. I find trying to do something each day for myself to force myself out of bed like get outside for fresh air or a trip to the shops can slowly improve my outlook but most of all it’s my therapy that helps me work through it. Best of luck

  • Cynthia Lubow, MFT

    Cynthia Lubow, MFT

    July 23rd, 2014 at 9:29 AM

    I hate to say this, but if you’re seeing a therapist and you don’t know why you’re depressed and it’s getting worse and your therapist’s treatment is to tell you to be positive, you may need a different therapist. Therapy can do better than that even in the most extreme cases of depression, and much better in most cases.

  • Louise

    Louise

    August 2nd, 2014 at 5:58 AM

    Hi guys

    I wonder if you can help. I’m in a relationship with someone who I believe to be depressed. I’ve read up on alot of websites and he’s showing the obvious signs of isolating himself, feeling tired all the time, feeling “flat” “low” “empty” and “numb” inside….
    He says he loves me but he is stuck in this “low ebb”, preferring his own company and can’t seem to shift it.. He refuses to admit he is depressed & won’t go to a doctor or take help from work as he believes he will be looked on unfavourably.
    I’m really not sure what I can do now. I love this man so so much and I’ve told him I will be there for him, that I think he could do with getting help and I asked that if there’s one thing he does do it’s that he talks to me and doesn’t shut me out as I want to be there for him.
    Things were improving slightly in that he was talking/texting and we were meeting up once a week or so. It’s now been two weeks and despite agreeing to meet last weekend, I didn’t hear back from him. I later found that he went to the cinema last week with an old (male) friend.
    Perhaps I made the mistake of texting but I couldn’t help myself. I couldn’t understand how I could be ignored completely (even a text would’ve been nice) yet an old friend gets to see him for the night. This may sound selfish but I feel like he’s pushing me away, preferring his own company yet it’s a different rule for everyone else. Mutual work friends around him have said he appears happy and laughing which leaves me confused.
    My text was met with quite an aggressive reply ( I had only said whilst I was grateful he felt well enough to go to the cinema I was disappointed I had not heard anything at all from him) and now I feel just sick because he has said for me to leave him alone, I have no right knowing what he is up to and that he can’t deal with “this s#$ t”.
    I hate myself for thinking like this but I love this man and I’m at a loss for what to do. Is this the response of a depressed man? He says he has no feelings but his message clearly displayed anger. How can I help him if he chooses to ignore me and push me away?
    Any help would be greatly appreciated. I don’t know what else I can do :(

  • Gill

    Gill

    September 19th, 2014 at 4:05 PM

    Hi

    You have just described my ex, he admits depressed but doesn’t see the point in seeking help although seeks comfort jumping from girl to girl!
    We split in April and have spent last 5 months going round in the cycle of him appearing at my door in tears then shutting me out yet I can’t block him out or tell him to leave me alone as I love him.
    It’s tough but try to be selfish too, I can’t tell you what to do as your choices and I’m still dealing with my mess but you’re not alone and remember it’s his issue and not you

    Xx

  • Been There

    Been There

    February 25th, 2017 at 2:39 PM

    I don’t know, sounds like someone is using “depression” to avoid accountability…I’ve seen this behavior when I was dating. Sometimes love isn’t enough. I say walk away and find someone who is honest with you. Depressed or not, it’s not healthy for you .
    Just be his friend but find a man who is willing/able to meet YOUR needs. Nothing wrong with that….I’ve never been the martyr type, caring to a fault but I don’t put up with B. S. for very long anymore. Now I have found an awesome man.
    Good luck, this may sound harsh but I am truly on your side.👍😊

  • wade eggert

    wade eggert

    November 16th, 2014 at 6:46 AM

    Hey I could use a little advice first I’m going thru a divorce and my mom says she is neutral but is always on her side she hangs out with the ex and talks to her all the time my x and mom tell me I’m narcissistic so I finally looked it up and sure it describes me but they forgot to look up the causes of it so I did and it is linked to being emotional abused as a child and other things linked to my child hood so I told my mom why I turned out this way she takes no responsibility for it I’m 45 and she continues to tell me what is wrong with me I have been dealing with this my whole life I tell her that her continuous criticism of me is emotional abuse now she says she wants to block me and does not want to talk to me any more how do I deal with someone who only always sees the bad in me and tells me I need help I guess my question is do I need someone like that in my life anymore what should I do can anyone help

  • n

    n

    December 14th, 2014 at 12:27 PM

    Sorry, i want to know in what situations we cant say the truth…exampkes

  • Denise U

    Denise U

    February 1st, 2015 at 1:00 PM

    At church I tell people that I am good…..Otherwise, they will quote some scripture to me, “We have the victory.” Give me a break…..just shows how the Christian people will say, “I am praying for you.” They can pray from now until I die…….It will not make a difference. I know because people have been praying for years…..when the depression decides to remit, then it will do so.

  • J

    J

    August 4th, 2016 at 8:15 PM

    I know where you are coming from. You are experiencing a spiritual war (metaphysical) that impacts the physical (bio chemical). I will never be able to prove this, but from my own experiences you are likely being spiritually oppressed– demonic. Many of the people in these comments are too. For those that are in Christ, there is salvation and eternal for give nest and grace no matter what has happened, but that doesn’t mean the demonic oppression goes away automatically!! In fact, often it gets much worse! This is because you now have eternal life but the flesh is still infested. I was fortunate enough to seek out a church that had a small but very active prayer group (4 people) whose ministry was to help people like you and me in these situations. It turns out that I had severe demonic oppression. Through a series of sessions, whatever had been torturing me since childhood– it went away. I had declared that I did not want the presence there and that it had no spiritual legal right to be there. I renounced my activities that were keeping them there and that created the beginning of the healing. Once declared, those sessions went very well. I don’t have any facts from you, but I do encourage you to seek that option…it may be through another church who knows, bUT make sureservations it is a church that teaches repentance and nother just one of those campy rock n roll feel good churches that teaches “i’m okay you’re okay”. Many churches these days are watered down and don’t teach challenging spiritual truths. Ephesians 6:12 sums up the battle nicely. We struggle against spiritual forces unseen which are parasitic in nature and impact the flesh. Many don’t believe in this, but I lived through the physical transformation I experienced. My sadness and sorrow and burden lifted and I experienced lasting joy. I still struggle with some mild depression from time to time (like right now) but usually prayer pushes it away after a few days. Exercise can help and I recommend it daily, even if it’s a terrible workout just do it. Also reaching out to help someone just for the reason of helping takes the focus off of the self-absorption of how you are constantly feeling. First get that spiritual help. It’s called ‘Deliverance’ if you are saved and ‘Exorcism’ if you are not. The 2 are different spiritual states of your soul and those conditions mean 2 different things. I hope this helps you or even 1 other person. It’s a battle and it requires a daily fight. Please consider that what I am saying may help you.

  • Scottb

    Scottb

    February 12th, 2015 at 3:55 PM

    I am in a long distance relationship with this girl..I have grown to love her with my whole being..I love her more than I have loved anyone before.. I have a lot going on in my life with workers comp and all. She has alot going on in her life and she is moving across the country away from her family and children for that matter… So you can just guess how many emotions are flying around both of our heads!!!

    One of the first things she ever told me, was that lieing to her would be one of the first things I could do to her..
    Well with out getting into to much detail, the first lie I told her was not to along after we started talking, I was writing I had writen another girl also.. But there was not a lot of correspondence between me and this other girl.. so really I just stoped writing to her. I had gotten a letter or two from her.. and I told the one that I really liked about them.. And then I got another one, read it. and through it away..

    so the girl that I Love now, where talking she had asked me if I had gotten another letter from this other girl again.. I told her no I hadn’t.. then she asked me another question about it… and well I told on myself.. she got up set then , but came to understand that I lied becasue really it wasn’t important nor did I want to hurt her feelings in any way…

    Things have been great up until resently, It is getting very close for the two of us to meet face to face..

    We where having a bit of a stressfull conversation when she asked me about my first marrige..she asked me what happened and then she asked me who left who.. and immedately I said she left me.. Well over night my conscience got to me..the answer I gave her was not true.. So when we talked on the phone again I came clean with it.. Well, she was very up set, and started a very stressfull couple of conversations after that.. and then I had talked to a therapist about it.. and the therapist told me that it could be a matter of being of vitim or a bad guy..you didn’t want to be the bad guy so you chose the vitim route(she left me)..

    Well within this last conversation, she asked me what my therapist had said about the lieing, I wasn’t able to access the information she wanted at that given moment..so I told her we really where able to touch base on it much.. So she started saying a few other things and then something she said allowed me to access the information.. I was so excited.. so told her what the therapist acually said. Well once again she was not very happy with that either..

    at this point in time the only thing I can I am putting a finger on is that there was a trigger of some sort to produce the lie.. I know each time that I did it I kinda felt pressured to give an answer.. and except for the lie about the letter I felt like a deer caught in head lights..kind of thing..

    I really wish I could find out what is triggering this.. I want to be 100% honest with her about anything.. and what ever is on my mind..I dont want to hold anything back.. it is very frustrating in my head.. I know I have depression there is know question.. I am also finding out that I have codepenece, however from what I have been reading and taked to my dad about(no proffesional, just a dad). he read through codependence and his opinion everyone could probably say they where codependant..

    I am not sure where to go, I do see a therapist and I am going to talk to her.

  • Teresa

    Teresa

    February 26th, 2015 at 9:27 AM

    My 21 year old son is extremely depressed and I am so worried about his state of mind. He has always been a highly intelligent lad but doesn’t seem to want to help himself. He doesn’t work or claim any kind of benefit so never has any income for himself which I know makes him feel worse. He won’t be honest with his doctor about how he is feeling so isn’t getting any professional help and I am concerned he may do something to harm himself or take his own life. I want to help him but I can’t force him to be honest and get the help he needs. He has everything going for him but doesn’t see it for himself. Our relationship is strained because I’m so frustrated with his negative attitude and outlook on life and because I can’t help him to see things clearly. I’m already heart broken seeing him so low and the thought of him taking his own life is too much to bear. How can I make him see he has everything to live for before it’s too late.

  • mindy

    mindy

    May 10th, 2015 at 8:49 PM

    Omg. Sounds just like my 22 year old son. Help.

  • abby

    abby

    October 29th, 2018 at 9:23 PM

    wish i could

  • marilyn

    marilyn

    May 20th, 2017 at 5:18 PM

    Prayer lady Prayer. Get your bible out and pray hard for god to change his way of thinking so that he realize that his life could be beautiful. Prayers help. Was in your same situation 15 year ago and I sent up some meaningful prayers and slowly I saw changes. Now my son has a beautiful family, he is happy and works hard for them.

  • Lesley

    Lesley

    February 26th, 2015 at 10:45 AM

    I don’t know if that is how a conversation would go for the depressed person. Everyone I have encountered that is dealing with depression from friends to lovers can be nasty and cruel. I understand if this is their first episode and both sides have no idea what is going on and seeking treatment for the first time….roller coaster for sure and could take a while to balance out. Anything past that is I feel is a form of abuse towards the other – friend or spouse. The person being medicated understands and accepts treatment yet acts like a complete shit…complete crap to me. The dishonesty, lies and secrets, the outbursts are horrible. As you can tell I’m at my whit’s end here…be patient I’m told the storm will go and not to take things personal, that is the craziest thing I have ever heard. Episode is over and he/she feels great once again (amazing and thankful btw) but wow…how to get back to yourself let alone trusting your partner? Everything has been jeopardized, trust, intimacy, respect, love. This is a horrible disease for everyone involved!

  • McKenzie

    McKenzie

    June 11th, 2015 at 11:25 AM

    Hi…. So I think I am dealing with depression but I am not so sure. My parents told me a few days ago that they don’t want to be my parents anymore. Well, I never really had any relationships with my parents anyways, but it still hurts. I keep thinking that I did something wrong to deserve this. I keep my grades up, I stay out of there way, and I try to do my best to listen to them. But anything I think I do right for myself turns out to be wrong. Today, I noticed that I wasn’t in the mood for my favorite tv show and I had stayed away from my friends because when they laugh, it irritates me to the core! I have a mega headache and all I want to do sleep. I was hoping someone can tell me what to to.

  • Bubbleberry

    Bubbleberry

    June 27th, 2015 at 6:11 AM

    Hello. I think I’m depressed but honestly I can’t tell. I’m sad, not all the time but very often and I feel it there no matter how much I laugh with friends or make jokes and I’m finding it harder and harder to ignore it. I’ve just started university and none of my high school friends are in the same uni, which means that I now have basically no friends. This shouldn’t matter to me, I know, my mother says the same thing constantly, but I’m just lonely. And everyday i come home straight after class or work, walk down stairs and hole myself up in my room because if I go and spend time with my family, there’s a 95% chance that I’ll end up in a fight with my mum. It’s affecting my work life too, my boss has noticed my increased anxiety levels and already I’m being shoved on the boring, mindless jobs… And I’m a person who prides myself on working forwards and NOT backwards and always being promoted I suppose, which sounds bad but it’s just me. And this whole thing is getting worse. Tonight my sister, who’s happily married and who has love and the whole chabang (and yes I happily concede that I’m jealous to an extent), wanted me to go upstairs and do dishes but I couldn’t even roll off my bed. So I swore at her and she got angry… Really angry, and I kept provoking her because I couldn’t stop and I was angry too and so she threatened to “show me”. I now have a split lip and she has a bloody nuckle. This is so hard and I don’t know what to do, I really don’t. I can’t talk to my parents because they have strong ideas about what’s going on and how I should deal… Things they’ve been preaching to me for so long ive honestly stopped listening. And this church group they have me in is completely useless but I don’t know how to tell them. I once thought that my only problem would be anger, but now I’m not even angry, I’m low and anxious in any even slightly intense situation and then low again and it takes me provoking my sister to feel anything. I don’t know what to do anymore. My relationship are falling apart. I hate myself and my situation and my lack of ability to make friends and my growing, strange and worrying feelings of resentment towards my mother! So now I’ve decided to face my problems and acknowledge them I suppose and if they won’t just go away I need help. Thank you.

  • J

    J

    August 4th, 2016 at 8:38 PM

    Wow you are extremely brave for admitting where you stand and that you need help. That is the sign of a real man indeed. I was in a similar spot as you when I started university. It was horrible. I didn’t enjoy much of my first 2 years at all. I was angry a lot because at least I could feel something when I was angry. I’m not even sure how I made it through that period but thank God I did. I focused heavily on my musical skills and became a very good guitar player which helped me through the next 10 years of my life. It didn’t cure anything but gave me an outlet. It wasn’t until I was 40 that I sought out help from a small group of people involved in a bible believing church, who were versed in spiritual warfare, that things changed for me. Read one of my responses above to another person. Depression is definitely chemical, but I am convinced that there is a metaphysical presence that causes it to be there. I know this will likely sound campy and stupid to you and others but I discovered through my help that I sought out that these demonic forces cannot withstand the name of Jesus. Whatever it/they was/were that had been torturing me from childhood was cast out and healing began. As I re-embraced my faith in Christ the dark clouds stopped following me. It was work– real work. I had to retrain my brain to think toward victory rather than defeat on a daily basis. I had to trust in God and not myself. It still can be challenging and the depression sneaks in once in a while (like now). But I never ever ever give up no matter how I feel. I’m glad God never gave up on me so I will never give up on Him. I hope this helps in some way. The battle is spiritual and it impacts the ohysical. In an age of science and godlessness my advice seems foolish, but man’s wisdom is foolishness and God’s wisdom is life changing. Just keep going man and seek a group that will lay hands on you and help you let go of all the things that might be preventing those vile oppressive entities from leaving you.

  • Leif

    Leif

    July 11th, 2015 at 3:15 PM

    This is exactly accurate to my own experience. Thank you for publishing it, it’s very validating at a time when I feel like nobody understands.

  • BorisD

    BorisD

    August 27th, 2015 at 4:56 AM

    The whole “how are you”.. “Good thanks, How are you?” is not (in most cases) a question of well being but a ritualistic greeting. That is why so often if you reply out of the norm, say with “I feel like total shit” most people hang on the reply, blush, stumble on to another topic etc. They are not expecting or wanting an honest answer, just the ritual reply. How about that weather, hey?

  • cg

    cg

    September 7th, 2015 at 2:08 PM

    I’m not going through depression and anxiety but I know someone who is. They rely on alcohol to calm them down and relax them. I don’t want them to become an alcoholic and would really like to help them. They don’t want professional help. What can I do to help them through this so they don’t have to rely on alcohol to cope.

  • Autumn E

    Autumn E

    December 4th, 2015 at 12:25 PM

    I’m 15 and a lot of these things apply to me but I don’t know what to do. If I tell my parents they won’t believe me. I tried that already. I’m scared if I tell my friends they will get mad and tell me to stop being an attention whore.

  • Marilyn M

    Marilyn M

    January 28th, 2016 at 9:09 AM

    This may sound a bit harsh or rash but I am speaking from personal experiences. I have been in and out and up and down with bouts of depression. Although the main explanation I give myself is how well others have treated me or not, I go forward with new awareness of my self constant. We don’t have to “lie” our way around the subject anymore, We neither have to “over exaggerate positives when we’re not feeling much of them. Getting into a false sense of conversation where the topic is “how well we really are” is not my idea of any help in matters. It appears to me that Stacey Harp is an honest to real life person who steps out of the boundaries laid down by the unaware outsiders. A lot of adult people “Choose” a state of mind to be in and “Choose” to lie instead of face truth and it’s consequences. The way we choose to deal with it with our children is a whole new arena. We’re supposed to be responsible, and accountable for ourselves. I will not feel the least bit of sympathy for self deprived adult people who intentionally seek the self absorbed and self interested empathy from others for most of their adult life for reasons of being overly frustrated human beings for not achieving anything that suits them. Just because a person is depressed, it doesn’t mean others are supposed to walk on eggshells…out of fear of that person. If there is fear, the best way to deal with it is to state fact because no matter what a depressed person says we can now thank yet other educated guesses into having others outside of depression see depression as “lying, deceitful, self absorbed, ignorant and unaware people issues. This is one reason depressed people seclude themselves from others, it only multiplies the issue to begin with. Maybe saying “I’m fine” to others is better than telling them an entire story of exactly how obnoxious and “fake” they sound for asking . If they really were aware of the person, they would understand, if they have the capacity to understand anything about being depressed. Just because others advice works well into your daily quality of life expectancy, it doesn’t make it gospel for everyone whose ever been depressed. People are individuals, and yes…they either “choose to accept how they are interacting with others” or they crawl away to avoid being overly misread and assumed unknowingly helpless in “making decisions” for themselves. I don’t accept labels. We weren’t born with any. We should not live under those that others put on us. We should be able to choose how we feel without others claiming we are incorrect just because it isn’t the way “they choose” to perceive us. Autumn E. I was 15 and my older brother being a pest ran laughing and reading out loud a personal diary of mine. My life was ruined, I thought. to have my deepest genuine feelings blasted out in front of my parents. Fortunately, as mom grabbed it away, my dad got up out of his chair, and told him to shut the hell up with that nonsense. I haven’t forgotten it, it still irritates the hell out of me at times. I understand my older brother thinking he was being cute and having all attention on him. I understand my mom trying to save what was left of my secrets at 15, and I know exactly what my dad was talking about…you see, for a long time I thought he meant my diary was nonsense…which kept me afraid and scared into thinking people would think I was weird and it kept me from writing for a long time. I’m now 52 years old. I still write in journals for my own peace of mind. A single parent of 4 children since the youngest was 6, now all older than 21. I didn’t think my dad knew much about anything about teenagers back then except for being into stuff all the time. But I knew his being a WWII vet meant he meant exactly what he said. He thought it was stupid. He meant to get his point across because my brother let it go and ran. People can help others a lot by understanding who they are talking to, saying what they mean, as they mean it, and not allowing excessive guess work into what’s wrong. If you have friends that would be calling or thinking you’re an attention w****, you need more flexible understanding friends. Really? Really…in this day and age, everyone is deprived of attention. We “choose” our own way of going after it. No real friend gets mad if one of their friends just needs to sort things out. They may be quite helpful. You have to find out what works best for you, and what you “need” for yourself. I hope you find at least one good friend that makes you feel comfortable enough to talk about anything and everything with, When I have something going on overwhelmingly in my own mind, I write in my journals, and that’s nearly every day. It may be totally something else for others. I have friends, but I refuse to lay all my sad going on depressing issues on them , they wouldn’t mind after awhile, but It would make me feel worse to not have anything good to talk about when I didn’t feel so up to flow. Good luck and Best wishes. I mean that…Sincerely. Just to let you know, I felt crappy all morning, and still do…but as for my ability of being real and honestly pleasant with other people in spite of those facts, I chose to be.

  • Vogues1982

    Vogues1982

    February 7th, 2016 at 8:41 PM

    The truth is as you say people can’t handle the truth and get fed up hearing it I try not to hide how I feel anymore but perfect example today I get told to stop feeling sorry for myself and deal with it! If only it were that easy and after 3yrs of feeling this way I wish could just get over it and if that were the case we wouldn’t have any issues!

  • Maral

    Maral

    February 9th, 2016 at 12:43 AM

    *sent crisis email*

    i think i’m depressed
    because i have no friend people think im crazy or idiot
    i only had one friend he always told me that he never leave me alone he told me that i’m interesting and lovely but after he left me alone i became worse i’m really bad now i cry all daylong and there is no one .i can deal with loneliness im fine when nobody love me but i can’t be well when i make someone hurt
    he told me that i’m hurting him
    he just changed
    what should i do
    i will die here
    it is impossible to find someone else who can feel me like him
    im really different with another girls
    is there anyone to talk to my friend and make him back?
    im really bad
    im dying here and he doesn’t know
    i have to use pills to make myself calm

  • Ella

    Ella

    February 16th, 2016 at 2:15 AM

    My best friend has depression and she cuts herself. I think that I am not strong enough to deal with this anymore and that I may be depressed. I can’t sleep and I struggle to eat. My goal is to keep everybody happy and not hurt anyone, but I feel empty inside and that I don’t have a purpose anymore.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    February 16th, 2016 at 8:46 AM

    Hi Ella,

    Thank you for commenting on our blog. We wanted to reach out to you with an explanation of how to use our site to find a mental health professional. If you would like to consult with a mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage, https://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area.

    Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

    Kind regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • roberrt m.

    roberrt m.

    March 20th, 2016 at 2:20 PM

    You have described my situation but I cannot afford therapy I have no insurance and frankly I don’t think there’s any hope but I’m commenting for maybe one shot

  • Lindsey

    Lindsey

    March 21st, 2016 at 11:41 PM

    As I read this, tears make their way down and fall onto my wrist. Describes me all the way. I’ve thought I’ve been depressed for years now. And I’ve wanted to say something and ask for help but I know I’d be wasting someone’s time. I feel like deep inside no one would really want to help. I’d be extra weight. Plus I’m not the only one with problems anyway.

  • Rachel

    Rachel

    April 24th, 2016 at 11:43 AM

    Shelley, just wanted to say that you did a great job in response to Stacys post.

    Stacy — I and many other people on this forum experience a darkness -which CLEARLY you will never know – on a daily, hourly basis. Your insensitivity to depression and lack of education about it is staggering and, frankly, people like you/views and opinions like yours are the reason that it is SO difficult for people with depression to have some kind of support that they can 100% lean on. Do not judge or tell us about our darkness. Moreover, do not say that it is some kind of sick “CHOICE”. Your post really upset me and it is extremely offensive.

  • realist

    realist

    August 1st, 2016 at 12:27 PM

    I absolutely agree with you,as I found her comments deeply offensive then she tried backtracking. People who make comments like that should not get past the moderator as it could have a very negative impact on some one who may be on here feeling desperate. What a disgraceful thing to say.

  • Anna

    Anna

    June 6th, 2016 at 11:59 AM

    I stopped noticing when I lie about my well-being. Sometimes I say I´m fine when I´m just trying to say I´m not as bad as yesterday. It gets to a point I give stupid lies to my beloved ones so that they stop asking me more questions because the more people pry, the more I realize how bad this has gotten and I get anxiety attacks. Maybe if I pretend everything’s ok, everything will be in the future. But if I talk about my problems to other people I “wake up” and my anxiety attacks me with no mercy. There’s no winning for me. Either my depression swallows me slowly or my anxiety punches me in the face. Is terrifying.

  • Gina

    Gina

    July 3rd, 2016 at 5:16 PM

    Cg:
    I think that creating some other kind of activity to depend on might help.. Something you and your friend could do together, perhaps.. I keep telling myself I wish I had the motivation to just stick to something positive other than binge eating.. Or sleeping….And it’s only once a week but since I’ve been meeting someone in town to go for a run/walk through town and onto a path nearby, I’ve noticed a slight difference in eating habit. And although not much else besides my internal clock has shifted, it is something. Sometimes I dread going but I’m beginning to trust that it will make me feel better. We have a smoothie afterwards and it reminds me of better days. I think the way the plan came about had an impact too, because it was a compromise which made me feel in control. They asked to go for a walk one day, and I counter offered to go for a jog and vocalized that I need something a little more I can reach for, embarrased and feeling bad for sounding hard to please, but felt so great that an idea was accepted (and turns out we both really needed the same thing to different degrees.) Whatever it is you’re doing just keep it light and don’t pressure the subject matter you’re worried about. I feel like being present with the new routine is good. I can already say it has led to me going outside more and feebly making sandwiches instead of just housing loaves of bread, for some reason…. I know it isnt the same as alcohol but it’s still a type of crutch. Hope that helps

    On another note, It’s perplexing how after laying on the floor for days and days, crying, or doing nothing at all, wishing you could tell someone about it in that moment but you can’t formulate the guts to call…someone finally knocks on your door to help, and all of a sudden there is nothing for you to talk about, as if you forgot you were ever struggling. You brush your teeth for the first day in weeks because all of a sudden there’s a reason to go outside! The friend wants to talk, exactly what you’d been hoping for, but all of a sudden it’s easier to wear the happy mask or blank mask instead of the vulnerable breaking down mask. The help is right under our noses, and I believe it. It’s just the extraction of what we are really feeling that seems impossible.
    It’s not difficult to have genuinely silly upbeat interactions with strangers (which my therapist quaified as) so therapy was mainly a distraction it seemed; because I wouldn’t be able to connect to the whole reason I walked into the office to talk about it! Those two weeks on the floor or pacing around the apartment just slip the memory. It would be nice if it were realistic for observation windows during the vulnerable times, so you could trust that the therapist or person you’re talking to could have some verifiable data to use for your betterment instead of “yea i’ve been there” or some other advice, which never really seems to cut it.

  • Hema

    Hema

    September 3rd, 2016 at 5:49 AM

    Hi, my brother hanged himself. We were not knowing what his problem was. He lied to his friends that he was working but actually he was not and was staying at home without any contact with his friends. We had no idea about why he was behaving that way. Still we are not believe if lying to his friends could have killed my brother.

  • Manthrax

    Manthrax

    September 23rd, 2016 at 5:21 PM

    Very accurate from first-hand experience, I’ll tell you one of the biggest difficulties is smiling so people don’t ask you what’s wrong because you know if they do, you’re gonna start crying. Everyone makes one’s own path, but being called broken makes one feel treated like we can’t fix our outlook on things. But it doesn’t mean we don’t still think that, ourselves. I used to tell people about it and I lost my sanity pretty literally. Now that I was able to get my life back on track and then fell off the wagon – that’s specifically what makes it harder. It took an outside person to even make my parents aware the first time, the response I get is more antidepressants which frankly I’ve been on them for years: they aren’t a magic pill for sure, unless I can learn to let go of my guilt, insecurities, etc., like everyone else thinks I finally was able to accomplish.

  • Halo

    Halo

    January 5th, 2017 at 4:21 AM

    …Okay. I never post on these things, but… I kinda need to vent. I think. So… Here goes.

    I think – And that’s a keyword here, “think”, you’ll see me say that a lot in this – that I’m depressed. I also think I might be a psychopath (or sociopath), because when I’m not feeling like I’m a worthless pile of garbage, I either feel like I’m pretending to feel, or I don’t feel anything and I’m not sure whether that’s pretending as well, or if it’s real. I think everyone hates me, despite all the evidence pointing to the contrary – If everyone really hated me, why in the heck would they put up with my depressed/uncaring/raging personality, or the shifts from one ‘mode’ to the other? But at the same time, people are starting to put up with it less and less. I’m starting to think that their thought process is “It’s just a phase, he’ll get over it soon enough.” or something, into “Hm… It’s taking a while. Maybe I should try to cheer him up?” into “Holy *insert swear here*, he’s freaking depressing to be around. I’m tired of dealing with this guy but I don’t wanna just be mean and say ‘*swear* off.’ so I’ll drop subtle hints.” Which, by the way, I’m as oblivious to as a blind and deaf person is to their surroundings – Until I walk face-first into something obvious, I’ll miss the fact that it’s even there. I’m like this with important people in my life as well – I don’t even realize how important they are or what I’m doing wrong until they’re gone, and then I fall deeper and deeper into my self-destructive tendencies because since nobody told me what I was doing wrong, I now have nobody to fix myself for. Anyway, continuing the thought process: “Okay, I’m done with this. He’s not taking the hints, he’s not even leaving when I ‘clearly state’ [Yeah, that’s about as clear as concrete.] that I don’t want him in my life, It’s time to just outright tell him.” I’m pretty sure that even my family is at that second to last stage there, minus the swears, so how can I expect anyone else to put up with me if even my own family wants me gone? I just realized that I’m probably not even gonna freaking post this, because if I did, ANYONE I know who finds it will instantly know it’s me, and instantly know just how depressed I am, and how much/little depending on my ‘personality mode’ I care about them, and will either cut their ties, or try to rush to comfort me, thus making things worse by making me feel even more like a freeloader than I already do, since I don’t feel like I deserve the comforting. What’s more, I am, and always have been, an adrenaline-junkie. Okay hold up, before I continue with that line of thought, I have to say that I have, in fact been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder- I have NO idea which one, because It’s been a few years and my parents never tell me FREAKING ANYTHING ABOUT MY DIAGNOSES WHEN I GET DIAGNOSED WITH STUFF, and I’m pretty sure that I have anger issues, because if I didn’t, I wouldn’t have tried to stab my sister and my grandma. I like to think I’m a nice person, despite how little I apparently care about others, simply because everything I know outside of reality tells me that if you’re nice to people, they’ll be more inclined to help you when you need it, and be by your side, despite everything I know from reality telling me the exact opposite of that – That no matter how nice you are, everyone will try to crush you eventually. EVERYONE. Whether they mean to or not, they will. It’s just something I’ve learnt in my short 18 and a half years on this earth. Now then, back to what I was saying before: I’m an adrenaline junkie, a gamer, and someone who enjoys making their own stories. Or even just a good story in and of itself, I don’t have to make it with my friends. But making the story up as you play along with your friends, that’s the real fun in multiplayer gaming to me. But for the past… Oh, two years? three years? The amount of people willing to play games with me has dropped to about three or four. At one point, it was actually zero a few months ago, because everyone seemed like they wanted to take a break away from “That depressed retard who keeps nagging me about games I don’t like to play anymore.” Which as you may have guessed by now, you who is reading this random post I’m using to vent basically my entire life’s story, did not help things. That seems to be a trend here, doesn’t it? Person gets depressed, seeks help, people leave them, depression gets worse, seeks more help, more people leave them, depression becomes crippling, desperately seeks help, everyone leaves, depression becomes a black hole of nothingness wanting to swallow their life whole and make them end it all, stops seeking help because either they’ve given up or they’ve ran out of people to seek help from or they realized their desperation was what drove everyone away, a few come back, tries seeking help again, more leave… The cycle continues. Basically, I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of losing people simply because I need help – And believe me, I KNOW I need help, I knew I needed help since long before I actually felt depressed. But I apparently am not allowed to have help, even my therapist is basically useless. Though that’s my fault for never opening up to her – I have trust issues, and I’m afraid that if I tell her all my problems and everything that’s going on in my head… She’ll… I don’t even freaking know. A lot of my problems stem from a few illegal things I’ve done a few years ago, so I’m afraid she’d maybe turn me in to the authorities or something if I told her all the problems I have, how depressed or empty I feel, and how I sometimes lose all sense of compassion, emotion, empathy, and sympathy, and the only things I can feel in that state are rage and a small amount of guilt over how I can’t feel anything else… I dunno. I just… I just want to feel like I belong somewhere. I’ve felt that before, and it saved me a few times. It made me feel like… Like I was part of something. Like I was wanted. Like I deserved the small amount of happiness that I’d been granted, the brief respite in the torrent of death and darkness that is depression, that somehow, all my past deeds had been forgiven, and I was allowed to start anew. [Sorry for the emo/edge there, it’s just how I talk sometimes – I occasionally go all poetic, but mostly… I do -that-.] And each time, it was soul-shatteringly torn away from me. Originally, I found a gaming group I liked. I was finally starting to feel like I fit in, like I was truly part of the group… And suddenly, I was kicked out. Again, that happened, and again, I was shunned as soon as I felt like I belonged. A third time it happened, and that’s when I started feeling depressed. A fourth time was when I finally met someone who approached -ME- for the same things I approach others for: Acceptance, love, kindness… At the very least tolerance. Meeting her was the thing that showed me what happiness truly felt like. I was on cloud nine, and felt like nothing could possibly break us apart, or make me feel depressed again. She saved me for a very, very brief amount of time. 5 months. I learnt that it takes 5 months for even someone who supposedly loved me to grow tired of my idiocy and failures, all my flaws… And to, in the process, crush what little bit of a soul I had left. Yes, perhaps I was a little bit obsessive. Yes perhaps I was a tiny bit controlling… Or more, I dunno… I didn’t try to be. It just… Happened… But I told her, “If I do anything wrong, if I do anything you don’t like, tell me, point it out as obviously as you can, and I will try to stop.” And I meant every word of that. Not once did she tell me anything about it. Not once. How am I meant to know what I’ve done wrong if I’ve never seen what doing something right was like? No, she broke up with me in march of last year, 2016, and that’s when I truly felt like I wanted to die. I -ACTUALLY- wanted to die. I’m not gonna lie or sugarcoat it or anything like that, I just… I wanted to die. I wouldn’t kill myself. I’d never do that, not until I had absolutely nobody who’d care if I did. Even now I still have some people who care. My family, the four or five friends that I have… If I killed myself, they’d be devastated. Even if they hate me, I’m still family… At least, I’d like to think they’d care. Maybe I’m wrong. I dunno. But a while back, I decided I’d never kill myself. I still don’t care if I do die, but I won’t go actively seeking it. Now then, back tot he story. I got into another gaming group, then left because the leader basically said “You keep saying you want to kill yourself, how about you do us a favor and actually do it?” To which I responded with a paraphrased “Never tell a depressed person to kill themselves. They might just do it, and you’ll be the real person responsible. How would you feel?” And proceeded to leave. At around that time, I started going to church again. I’m a Christian Baptist, but I hadn’t gone to church since I was a kid, until then. I didn’t quite belong there, I was the one who always sat in the very back wearing all black plainclothes as opposed to church clothes like a suit or whatever the heck people are supposed to wear to a church – I wore camo cargo pants and random anime- and Doctor Who-related T-shirts, not the kind of thing someone wears to church normally. I actually started going to church back when I was dating the girl from earlier in my story here, but when she broke up with me… I kinda lost the will to even get out of bed for a while. I’m surprised I’m alive, really, I didn’t leave my room for almost the whole month and then some. But I did, eventually, manage to go to the livingroom and kitchen, so there’s that. Anyway, I stopped going for a while, started back up around… July, august of last year? And sorta went on and off for a while. I ended up joining another gaming group, this time it was just me and like, two really close friends I’d known for a couple years… Eventually, they both disappeared, and I was left alone. Completely. Alone. At about this time I started finally feeling like I was starting to actually fit in at church, like I was starting to belong somewhere – Not just anywhere, but in a place where everyone would accept me, and I could forget all that I’d done wrong… And then, the pastor retired. And with that, everyone else who worked there sorta quit, everyone who went there stopped going, and everything… changed. I was crushed. The one place I’d felt like I could truly belong outside of the relationship that eventually killed part of me, now killed the other half of me. I felt dead inside. I still do, really. And every time I’d go through the kitchen, I’d look at the steak knives left out by my family, and be like “…Should I… try? Is there a reason to go on? Things might get better, yes, but it’s more likely they’ll get a WHOLE LOT WORSE. Maybe… I could end it… No, no, if I did that, my family would hate me even more than they already do, and they’d be devastated by it, too… Maybe I could just… Cut? [Yes, I know, emo as anything, but it was something I actually considered – And still do to this day. Cutting releases endorphins which dull pain – Maybe it’ll dull the depression as well. But no, I won’t do that for fear of messing up and accidentally bleeding out. But if I ever get any worse, I might just disregard the danger because the benefit starts outweighing the risk when things are more desperate.] No, I won’t cut, I’d probably mess up and kill myself on ACCIDENT.” Before I go on, I have to say… It feels good to vent. Like, really good. I sort of feel some of my troubles slipping away as I talk about them… Maybe that’s my problem. Keeping everything bottled up on the inside. Anyway: Eventually, I found another gaming group, this would be the last, as the one I’m in is more… Just, temporary, and I feel nothing from playing with them… I got kicked out because I didn’t want to deal with their bullcrap rules that made no FREAKING sense. I’d lost the ability to care about getting kicked out anymore. Then I found a job in september: I started working at a haunted house as one of the people that scares you as you go through. I loved that job, it was the first job I’d ever had, and yet… Sadly, even this was temporary. Not only did it end on Halloween, but I only got to work two or three or so days of the thing, out of like… 10? 12? I dunno. I got sick, and stayed sick for like a whole freaking month and a half, and couldn’t do anything. I felt like I was dying. And were I not terrified of how painful it’d be, I might not’ve cared. But I pulled through, and still got paid because the owner of the haunted house was friends with my dad and my brother, and felt bad that I couldn’t do the job that I clearly loved because I was sick. But that opened a whole new can of worms: I didn’t deserve it. I did basically no work, and the work I did do, I messed up so much. So I felt like crap. However, I persevered [Is that how it’s spelled? Firefox says so, but I dunno], and ended up… Well, here. I did have one massive accomplishment, when I passed my GED tests with like, no studying whatsoever, but… One beacon in a sea of disappointment… A single lighthouse will not illuminate every port in the world. So now, after feeling depressed for so long, I still feel like crap. And I want to let it out, because holding it in is only making it worse… So I’ll post this in the hopes that someone might be able to help me, and at the same time… Maybe this alone will help me, posting this here… Venting is good. Engines need vents to let unwanted gasses out, and people sometimes say that the mind is like the engine of our bodies, so why shouldn’t we vent the horrible unwanted gunk from it as well?

    I’d like to add, I read both this and https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/depression-cant-be-cured-0209124/ , and I think I fit almost all of these the things in this, and I’m likely the “atypical” presentation of depression. Occasionally, a good joke will make me laugh, a moment in a game will make me have fun and be happy, or I’ll watch my niece play and I’ll feel like I’m part of a happy family… But mostly, I just feel either depressed, or complete apathy. I’m either sad, or I feel -NOTHING-, no emotion at all. I don’t know, maybe I’m some weird kind of bipolar or tripolar or something… But whatever I am, I don’t want it anymore. I want help. I -NEED- help. But there’s nowhere to get it as far as I can tell. I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow, since it’s technically thursday now… Maybe I’ll tell her about this. I don’t know. But I just wanted to vent here, I needed something to do, and I wanted to try and stop being a depressed blob of self-loathing and silent, bottled rage. Thanks to anyone who reads this, you’re a true legend, putting up with the condensed version of what everyone I’ve ever known has put up with for the past 18 and a half years. Especially thanks if you try to help… Thank you… Really, I mean that.

    I hope you’re all at least doing better than I am. Good luck, everyone,
    ~Halo

  • Halo

    Halo

    January 5th, 2017 at 4:23 AM

    Holy fudge, sorry for the word wall, everyone. I didn’t realize that was so long… I must’ve spent a good two hours typing that up… Probably more…

  • Barry W

    Barry W

    April 8th, 2017 at 6:31 PM

    Halo No problem. If it was therapeutic in some way then good. There is no gun coming out of the computer forcing anyone to read it. I browsed but did not read.
    Write word walls as long as you know that people may not read all of it.

  • Barry W

    Barry W

    April 8th, 2017 at 6:27 PM

    I guess I’m so depressed I really don’t care about social conventions such as saying you are good if you are not. I have treatment resistant double depression with GAD and SAD. If any of the following seems flippant, it may be. But it is also how I approach things. So maybe this article has value for certain people. But I once pretended and it was exhausting. I did not do it again.

    If I am not good when a cashier asks me, depending on my mood, I will ignore the question or say Not Good. They either don;t hear or offer sympathy,
    Here is my version of that mock conversation inner thought example
    Friend: “Hi, how are you?”

    Depressed person: I feel like crap. so that is what I tell them “doing bad, this is a day when my depression is really working. How are you?”

    Friend: A bad day for my friend. Since my friend has told me he has depression and explained it to me, I can’t exactly relate. But I will accept them when they are feeling good or bad. “That’s tough. Anything I can do?”

    Depressed person: Good, I am glad I only choose friends who are able to understand that things are different for me. maybe I will ask them to tell one of their inane work out stories. Won’t help, but I don’t feel like talking, so it won’t hurt. “how did your last work out go?”

    Friend: If I tell him about my workout, it will be conversation and I can take the majority of talking today. one thing he is a good listener or at least doesn’t interrupt. “okay at my last work………

    Depressed person : I prefer to get into my dark thoughts with my Dr. There are problems I can talk to my friends about and there is all this mental illness stuff that there is no need to get into, unless asked. So I get to listen and know they know how I am doing. listen to as much as I can

    The depressed person walks away from the visit feeling depressed because they have depression. But at least they are honest with friends and don’t need to pretend which would just cause more anxiety.
    all the best that is possible

  • riddhima

    riddhima

    May 5th, 2017 at 11:48 AM

    I need help….plzz i am extremely depressed i am a 27 year old girl…i am searching for govt job since last 3 years ….tried a lot everytime read for this purpose 8 hour a day but the result is zero i dont want to switch….sometimes i feel so lonely that i find out to end myself but actually i dont want to do that…..since last 3 yrs i am stuck in the house only go outside for giviing job exams….3 yrs before i had face a break up which completely torned me at that time….but i control myself in any how….i will be physical with him…..till today i have pain for that not severe…but i thought my life has no meaning why i am coming to this world……in my childhood when i was 7 yrs old i had been brutally molested by my neighbour he is at 17 i dont forgot that incident whole my life….when i was 8 yrs old that same person forcefully liplock with me at that time i dont know the meaning of that only felt that I didnt want to be i was helpless then till today i see him everyday….my blood is just boiling to see him…..now another one when i was 11 yrs old one day for diarrhea i was admitted to hospital but the nursing assistant brutally molested me to afraid me …..i dont know why god selected me for all this crap…..i know there are many girls who face this dont share it but i really feel very depressed……from childhood i am very studious person i have 2 bsc degree…i ranked my school but my 27 yrs study all go vain if i dont get a job & i dont want to marry bcoz i am too much afraid of marital rape(arrange marrige) & also want to be self sufficient i am not a coward person i protest basically that typeof incident torn me from inside so i have no faith on boys anymore……i dont know what i am doing plzz someone suggest me ….i am really really very much upset….your valuable comment may be help me

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    May 5th, 2017 at 1:07 PM

    Hi Riddhima,

    Thank you for your comment. If you would like to consult with a mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage, https://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area.

    Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

    We wish you the best of luck in your search.

    Kind regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Barry W

    Barry W

    May 5th, 2017 at 11:47 PM

    Hello, Clinical depression is a combination of experiences, such as the awful ones you have endured and changes in the brain. Which is why some people who have similar experiences don’t get depression. I am not sure what country you are from. You are well educated but your written English looks like it might be a second language. Depending on where you live, treatment from a professional can cost quite a bit if you have no insurance. Some will charge depending on your ability to pay. This website charges Therapists to be listed. If you do live in the US, there are free clinics and some states help their citizens. I am from Canada where we have free health care. Not exactly it is paid by our taxes. When I finally broke down, I was luck I had a friend who helped me get help. If have that kind of good friend who can be strong for you, ask them. If they are a good friend they won’t mind. If you have any questions from someone with depression and understand how bad it feels ask them. This site will tell you to check their listings. and if you can afford it, and prefer a Psychologist over a Psychiatrist then do that
    All the best
    Barry

  • Sspider

    Sspider

    May 10th, 2017 at 3:02 AM

    i’m 21 years old and my parents doesn’t even ask how i’m doing.for as long as i could remember it’s been that kind of relationship between us.I tried to open up to mom and it was so hard to make up my mind but she told me to get over it and told me i shouldn’t feel that way. and she told me to get a job and it’ll all be ok…Facebook is the best when depressed. Can fake it really well just how excited about life I am. But inside I was crumbling, it got to a point when i deleted fb and everything else. got tired of pretending. but even if i try to open up no one seems to care. no one cared enough to even ask why i did it. either way no one cares. i don’t know what to do

  • Sspider

    Sspider

    May 10th, 2017 at 3:09 AM

    just like the article says I don’t have the energy to brush my teeth or get out of bed or do much of anything else most days. I feel like crap…

  • Barry

    Barry

    May 11th, 2017 at 5:56 PM

    Helllo Sspider, I certainly feel for you as I have had severe depression for a very long time. But getting help is important. This is part of a reply I have already made and applies to you as well.
    Depending on where you live, treatment from a professional can cost quite a bit if you have no insurance. Some will charge depending on your ability to pay. This website charges Therapists to be listed. There is no garuantee of they are any good. And they only list Psychologists, some prefer psychiatrists plus a Real Dr. Can prescibe medication if needed. If you do live in the US, there are free clinics and some states help their citizens If you have a good friend they can you find the assistance you need. If they are a good friend they won’t mind. If you have any questions from someone with depression and understand how bad it feels post it and I will answer when I get the notice.This site will tell you to check their listings. and if you can afford it, and prefer a Psychologist over a Psychiatrist then do that
    All the best
    Barry

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    May 10th, 2017 at 9:23 AM

    Hi Sspider,

    Thanks for your comment. If you would like to consult with a mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage, https://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area.

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  • Andrew

    Andrew

    July 6th, 2017 at 5:02 PM

    I’ve got so good at lying I can’t even tell what is true anymore. Not just me I expect? When depression sets in (as it does) I don’t want help, therapy or advice…I just want to be left alone, ideally ignored. As time goes by the reply “i’m fine, how are you?” has become automatic, without emotion, sincerity and usually rounded off with a convincing fake smile. Surely we all do that much of the time. Those ultra positive people are so tiresome and intrusive. I guess they are just looking for a ‘positive’ fix from everyone they ask, isn’t that a problem too? Being depressed is sometimes not so bad, just leave me alone, don’t ask how I am…because as the article says, most people don’t really care anyway. I’ve learned to deal with it, and so have many others I’m sure.

  • Samantha

    Samantha

    April 12th, 2018 at 7:47 AM

    You are not alone. I can’t even tell what is a lie and what is true anymore. It doesn’t matter how hard I try. I just can’t seem to find my truth or my lies. It’s instinctive whenever someone asks how I am. I giggle smile and change my eyes and say that I’m fine or I’m doing great.

  • Joey

    Joey

    August 15th, 2018 at 10:58 PM

    The dialogue doesn’t ring true because who talks about having a good workout? Seriously, what percentage of the population exercises, let alone brags about it? I’ve got so many problems, I couldn’t care less about someone’s workout. Who talks like this?

  • abby

    abby

    October 29th, 2018 at 9:19 PM

    your not alone

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