Lifetime Effects of a Parent’s Death During Childhood
October 24th, 2011
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When a child experiences the death of a parent, the emotional trauma can be devastating. But until recently, few studies have examined the impact of this type of loss relative to the age of the child and the quality of parenting that the child received after the loss. In her study, Angela Nickerson, of the Massachusetts Veterans Epidemiology Research and Information Center at the University of New South Wales in Sydney, Australia, sought to determine how this dynamic affected these children across their life span. “As the life span progresses and the individual reaches adulthood, the psychological and interpersonal consequences of this disturbance may manifest in long-term mental health problems,” said Nickerson. “There is strong evidence that aspects of the family environment, such as quality of parental care and relationship with the surviving parent, are important in affecting long-term psychological reactions following parental loss.”
For her study, Nickerson and her colleagues analyzed data from 2,823 adults who had all experienced the death of a parent during childhood. They used the World Health Organization Composite International Diagnostic Interview to assess psychological impairment, parental care, and other factors that could contribute to difficulties later in life. They found that the younger a child was at the time of the loss, the more likely they were to develop mental health problems, including anxiety, mood or substance abuse issues. The study also revealed that family conditions after the death played a significant role. “While the current study focused on the impact of adverse parenting practices on psychological distress, it is possible that positive family relationships and good parenting practices may act as a protective factor against psychopathology following the loss of a parent,” said Nickerson. She added, “These findings have important implications for theoretical conceptualizations of psychological reactions following the loss of a parent across the life span.”
Reference:
Nickerson, A., Bryant, R. A., Aderka, I. M., Hinton, D. E., & Hofmann, S. G. (2011, October 17). The Impacts of Parental Loss and Adverse Parenting on Mental Health: Findings From the National Comorbidity Survey-Replication. Psychological Trauma: Theory, Research, Practice, and Policy. Advance online publication. doi: 10.1037/a0025695
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losing a parent at a young age would make the child feel helpless and even ‘different’ from the others…there is a lot going on in the minds of kids and not many of us know that they are capable of complex thinking and that these things can have a major effect on them.
I am finding out that this is the same for an adult who was adopted at birth. Being raised by a wonderful family still doesn’t erase the pain that the infant felt when abandoned at birth.
I lost my mother at a very young age and it has always impacted me negatively. I am always thinking about the things that I am doing now and that she was never able to experience. I have already lived longer than she did and it was hard for me to reach that age that she was when she died and have no problems whatsoever. I am afraid that I will not be able to be a good mom because I never really had her around a whole lot to model that behavior for me. That is something that I still struggle with.
While death of a parent would affect a child beyond doubt,the changing family structure in these times are not a good thing either.It is very similar to death of a parent because in so many families the parent have separated and the children no longer have contact with one of the parents.Death is not always preventable but the breaking marriages are!
I was a young adult when I lost my dad- while I was in college. And even though I have so many wonderful memories of him it still is difficult to process sometimes that he is gone and that I will not be able to see him again. But I try to remember the happy times and not dwell on the fact that I miss him. I try to remember all of the good things and to still make him a part of my life with my own children now. That still makes him very real to me, and I love that I can share that specialness with my kids now too.
If something material is missing it can be got later on and you will not miss it forever. But it a parent is missing in a child’s life then that is a completely different story. It’s next to impossible to replace because no matter how good the other parent is the void will always be felt.
No matter how young or old you are when this happens nothing can prepare you for the loss of a parent and there is nothing that can help you get over the pain of that loss of the first people who ever loved you unconditionally.
My dad died when I was eleven. My mother was always the homemaker and didn’t work much. Suddenly us kids were thrust into a world without Dad where she wasn’t there when we got in from school. The daily routine was all different now because she now had to work. We had strangers coming in to babysit us because my parents kept themselves to themselves and never had friends that we knew of.
We hated that intrusion. I think that’s why I make sure my family is surrounded by close friends and acquaintances the children know well, so that if anything happened to me that support would be there.
I am so glad mine are up into their twenties now and self-reliant, or at least as self-reliant as any average twenty-something can be. I cannot imagine how I would have managed to raise them all by myself when they were small and count my blessings that my husband and I got through those years without incident. It hurts my heart to think about families that have to.
My best friend’s father was killed in a car wreck when she was only months old. Although she never knew him, she’s always felt that sense of loss and bereavement. When her wedding came around it was very hard emotionally on her. In the end she decided upon a favorite uncle to give her away, her father’s brother.
I lost my dad when I was seven. I don’t recall much about it. He had a stroke one day at his work. When you see photographs of my dad it’s clear the resemblance between him and I is uncanny. Everyone that knew him comments on it to this day. I went through a phase in my teens of thinking mom must hate me because of that, and how difficult it must be for her to look at me every day and see this face that’s the spitting image of dad looking back at her.
I talked about that once to her. She told me it was painful at first when he died, but over time the pain subsides to be replaced with a sense of comfort that he’s never far away. She need only look at her daughter to remember that, she said with a smile. That made me feel much better. :)
I get angry when I hear teens complain about their parents and how they won’t buy them this or let them do that. They don’t know how lucky they are to have them!
Try growing up in foster homes and see if you are still so quick to badmouth them, boys and girls. You have no idea what it’s like to be on the flip-side of that nasty coin.
I was 3 when my ‘dad’ left and 7 when my dear mum died of cancer. I’m 17 now and have been raised by my aunt and uncle who have been like a second mum and dad to me. However despite how lucky I am, I felt as soon as my mum died that id grown up and that my childhood had ended. Now I suffer from seperation anxiety disorder where I’m scared my aunt and uncle will die if I’m not at home and therefore am terrified about sleeping away from home, panic attacks and I’ve always been the weird kid at school as I’m always thinking and worrying.
I think the death of my mum is something ill never get over and will always affect me but its also something that I feel has made me stronger and more level headed than most teenagers my age. I appreciate what ive got and what I had and hope one day that the empty feeling inside me will be filled one day when I have my own children.
I don’t know what other affects the death had on me but I try to look at the positives. I mean I’m lucky, Ive experienced 2 sets of parents, I’m close to my auntie and my uncle is more of a dad to me than my real one ever was! :)
my son is 5 and just lost his father in january of 2012 suddenly of a heart attack. ever since then he has turned into this child i dont know, misbehaving and such. i know hes 5 and doesnt always listen but before his father died he was a very well behaved child, iv sent him to counseling but i dont think its working….he still continues to be disruptive in class and lies to me alot…what should i do??
Dear lindsay, I ran across your post while i was researching all the different psychological effects loosing my father at 10 yo via drunk driver may be having on me now 14 years later(24 y.o now). First let me say i am no psycologist but i feel i might offer some some helpfull advice. Apparently when a kid looses a parent at that age it can cause them to backslide into former habbits that they were originally broken from. Also, and also my best guess is that the little guy felt as though the majority of his disipline was being inforced by his dad, thus now that his dad is no longer around he dosent have the “disiplinary coach” that he is used to a recognizes. I think you need to eventually let him know that his behavior is not acceptable and that you are a force to be reckoned with; but dont let your temper blur the fact that his actions are more than likely a form of grief or mourning. Oh yeah, As far as counselling goes. . . I DEFINATELY advise you to KEEP HIM IN counselling. If you feel its not doing anything then try another. I know i was 5 years older when i lost my father and that may make a signifigant difference as far as what effect it had; But no one ever forced me into counselling. . . They just asked me if i wanted it and being the lost, confused, hurting, and ignorant kid that i was i denied and mom was to busy worki g to raise my brother and I to make me go. . . That is one thing i wish i could change. Dealing with that hurt, the loss. . . On my own. . . I am mentally/emotionally broken in so many ways. Not only will something like that cause depression long after, i also have ptsd. It caused me to go down hill in school and i quit some of my favorite activitys because all of my emotions aside from mad and sad seemed to be numb. I began disrespecting my mother and getting into trouble. . Its amazing the profound effects an event like that will have for years to come wotb out proper care. Im not sure any of this will help you but i felt like i needed to atleast try. I wouldnt wish the hell i went through on any kid or anyone for that matter. I know its probably hard on you aswell, but no matter what; in the end, no matter how hard this is on your son, i promise you that aslong as he has a loving and careing mother to wipe his tears away and eembrace him during his roughest moments he’ll be okay. And one more thing. Fill his ears with as many happy memories, thoughts and stories about his dad as you can after hes gotten thru the initial grieving. The more he learns about dad from your stories, the closer he will feel to him and the less he will have to always wonder about. . . . Good luck and ill pray for yall.
I just stumbled uponthis and felt I should comment…I lost my father when I was seven years old, suddenly from a massive heart attack. I still remember to this day, my mom coming in and telling us to pray for my dad because something happened although she didnt specify. I prayed my heart out that day, to no avail of course as when we arrived at the hospital we were informed he did not make it. That event changed my life then and continues to affect me everyday of my life since. I went through hell, but it was somehwat delayed as I did not begin to havemajor issues until iwas a teen. I was into drinking, drugging, crime, and sex. I was a terrible teenager and was placed on all types of antideppressants and was even arrested three times. However, thanks to an unrelenting mother who refused to see me end up in prison or the dirt, I am now a pharmacist in my first year of residency…dont get it twisted, I still struggle everyday with his loss….
My mother died when i was 11 years old. She tried to kill herself by Oding on sleeping pills less than a month after we moved from New Jersey to Memphis. We celebrated my 11th birthday on October 15th in Lakeside Hospital Mental Ward. She came home at the end of October because she showed that she was getting better by caring for herself again. {putting on makeup; showering; etc}. She cut her left wrist and throat on November 10, 1982. She left a note saying that she was a bad mother and thought my sister and I would be better off without her. She was so wrong. My 15 yo sister found her and ran out of the house to the neighbor across the street and was so hysterical, we couldn’t understand what she was saying: Only that it was about mom. I went back across the street with the neighbor’s 13 yo son.
The next thing I remember, I was in the neighbor’s recreation room in the middle of the floor playing Asteroids on their Atari 2600. Apparently I was unresponsive. After that, I remember I was asking if mom had made it like last time. She hadn’t. We buried her according to her wishes in her home town of Baltimore, MD at a Jewish Cemetery. My father took my sister and me to psychologists and counselors, but he made a very big mistake that I hope others can avoid. With each counselor and psychologist over the next six years, I went in to see the counselor first and then dad went in.
I never told them anything except talked about baseball because I soon found out that the things I said were repeated to my father. I then got yelled at about what I had said to the shrink for the rest of the evening. There was no confidentiality because the counselors all worked for my father, not me. Counselors beware, it is not your job to tell someone that they are at fault for the problems in their lives, especially when your patient has ADHD, and has been asked all his life: What did you do to make the bully come after you. I called him a jerk and that was all the bully needed as an excuse. Do you ask every victim these questions? Do we ask rape victims what they did that got them raped? No. So why is it acceptable to ask anyone else these kinds of questions? These are the kinds of things you might tell an addict, but I never drank, nor do I do drugs. I never have and never will. If you are a counselor and you ask your patient what they did to provoke a bully or anyone else who assaults them, you should lose your license, and I hope you do. I was hit over the head by a guy who lived in my building a few years ago. I was questioned by police and at the hospital, but it wasn’t until my family called that anyone even remotely suggested that I had provoked this man who hit me over the head with a metal fence spike. Some things never change.
I lost my mom when I was 8 but I always knew she was going to die because she told me. Subsequently I was raises by my paternal grandmother who hated me I know because she told me. If your childhood ends with the recollection of death does that mean I never had one because I’ve always understood?
Throughout my life I’ve been wildly successful graduating early, awards,
even accomplished a masters degree at 22 years old. As I’ve gotten older however (35) im really starting to see how the loss is affecting me.
Im angry at my partner for having the love and support I never did, I’m depressed and jealous, and untrusting.
I am positive these actions will eventually sever my relationship and bring about the very thing that I fear.
I lost my mom at the age of 6 and have no memory of her.
I remember things that happened when she was alive, but do not have any recall of her presence, though I’m told she was definatly there. I’t had a big impact on my life and how I was as a mother, but I would most like to know what you would classify this type of what I presume would be amnesia? I would highly appreciate it if I could have an answer to this question sent to my email.
I was 13 when my dad was murdered. About 8 months later, after my dad’s ‘friend’ swore an oath to look after us whilst holding my dad’s hand in the mourge (an oath he broke straight away by pointing the finger at me and saying,”he will turn against me”, my mum, little brother, me and ‘friend’ moved away from family and friends, leaving older brother behind. I felt desperately alone and felt we weren’t able to grieve properly with ‘friend’ there. I bottled everything inside and only now, 25 years later, after a trail of destruction that is my life behind me, am i able to talk about my feelings. With proffesional help i may be able to live some sort of normal life on the path i might have chose if i had received proper help after my dad’s death. My journey began about 6 weeks ago and have a long way to go, but i’ll get there, somewhere, i hope.
To Lindsay. Sometimes children will go back to a time when they were a bit naughty after suffering the loss of a parent. It could be something miniscule that has amplified through grief. Maybe think of something naughty that he did before his dad died and forgive him for it until it sinks in that ‘it’s not his fault’. If you’ve formed a relationship then you need to get to know your child’s feelings about it. i hope this helps x
I can’t help but wonder, and search for help, and understanding. My neice just turned 14. She lost her mother due to cancer, at 3, and her father from drugs at the age of 13. She moved in with me and her uncle, bc we were not going to let her go to foster care. I can not even begin go understand her pain. She has given some trouble, which is understandable. She is getting counseling, but is telling us she wants to do drugs to take away the pain … Like she did before she came with us. We love her with all our hearts. I don’t know how to get her help, b/c I don’t think couceling is enough, and I can’t find many teens that have lost both parent, been exsposed to drugs, and a drug life.
I lost my father @ 9 to cancer and my mother @ 15 to heart problems. I moved in with an aunt I hardly knew immediately after my mothers death. I was a mess. I had lost everything I was accustomed to and thrown into a family structure with rules and ideas so foreign to me. I was lonely and moaned not only my parents but also the life I was used to. I was miserable and could only think about leaving my aunts house. I didn’t. I had no where else to go, so I dug deep into my own life. I shut out my extended family because I didn’t feel they understood what I was experiencing and began behavior that went against everything my parents instilled in me. Why? It was an escape… Eventually, I learned the hard way that I wasn’t much happier either. By this time, I was 18 and I started to really reflect on my life and my goals. I eventually got a job, got married, had kids, and had a normal life, but I was still plagued by my childhood. I went to counseling and got help for my anxiety, depression, and ptsd. All that resulted from my parents death… I now see my past as a testament to the resilience of the human spirit… I should be a statistic, yet I have a normal family filled with love and my life is only getting better.
Your nice will have a hard time dealing with the death of her parents… But its all about the support after that will make her or break her… I received almost none and relied only on myself and had a hard transition into adulthood… Thankfully, as an adult I have more support systems then I can count and it has allowed me to really focus on healing the scars left so long ago. I am now a better mother, wife, person than ever before.
How about when the teen is not emotionally moved by the death of the main parent providing care. Or hAs a reaction that would be opposite of what would be appropriate for the given situTION (feeling happy not sadness) It’s hard to find research like this or information about this sort of response to an emotional trauma . a year after the passing, there were physical manifestations in the form of intestinal inflammation. There needs to be grief that must be dealt with, but how? Those emotions are hidden away somewhere. locked with a key and surrounded by a few steel walls.
My best friend lost his dad when he was 3. He was the youngest of his siblings. Now 32, he has always seemed to have trouble being in relationships. He also had a few issues with substance abuse. He and I dated for a while (as teens), and have been talking more recently, and he still, seems to have this “mental block” whenever we seem to be getting “too close.” Is this a potential manifestation of fear from the loss of his father at such a young age? Incidentally, he just turned the same age as his dad was when he died, and seems to be having a hard time with that. IDK..I just want to be able to be there for him in any way I can, but would like a bit more information to try to understand him and his mental state better. Thanks
@Rosie Well how about being an adult who was adopted (shortly after birth) and then experiencing the loss of a parent. Sounds like I got dealt a great hand.
Get your niece involved in a church youth group, surrender the whole situation to god. Find a good therapist fo her, that is important, hang in there that is a heart breaking situation.
Its not a competition
My mother died when I was nine and as an adult of 34 I am still dealing with the consequences. Not just of the loss of my mother, but also of the subsequent neglect and verbal abuse I experienced at the hands of my narcissistic, emotionally immature father. He never re-married and intimate relationships were not normalised in my household. I found it very difficult to form relationships as an adult because of an acute fear of rejection (related to the death) and because of extreme feelings of low worth (related to my father’s lack of empathy and verbal abuse. I agree with Joey’s comment that children who lose a parent would feel ‘different.’ I did, and also subconsciously interpreted the loss as something I somehow deserved, which must have meant that I was a bad person.
On another note, this forum is about the death of a parent, not divorce. When I was a kid some people even hypothesized to me that going through parents’ divorce would be worse for kids than bereavement. Well, please don’t trivialize the pain of the bereaved in this way. It is greatly insensitive.
I am now 75 years of age and lost my father to a heart attack when I was 14. I realize I am still looking in many ways for the comfort and support that was not forthcoming or available at the time. Until he died our family had lived a very stable life. My dad owned a small business in a midwestern town and my mother was a homemaker to him, my two older sisters and me. After his sudden and unexpected death, my mother took over his business and I was left to keep house, make meals etc. after my sisters returned to college. I felt abandoned and neglected and was told by mother’s friends that I was now to “take care of her”. In my heart I wanted someone to take care of me and in thinking that, I felt selfish. I was the first of my friends to lose a parent and they had no idea what to say to me. No one else did either. Fortunately, I have lived a very productive life: college, graduate school, a career with hospitalized children and many friends and have lived happily for many years on the East Coast. I have had one long term relationship of over twenty years that recently ended with his increasing dementia and a return to his children. I have no children. I have solid and loving relationships with several nieces and nephews. All my life, with my fear of abandonment and responsibility, I have placed importance on learning how to survive on my own and have been successful at that. It has been what has gotten me through. But I do wonder if my life could have been even richer if I had received some counseling and comfort and support at the time. I just felt so alone and taking care of myself seemed the solution. One of my sisters was killed in an automobile accident some years later, leaving behind a husband and four children, continuing the family experience with sudden death. I have been in much successful therapy for many things over the years but feel I’ve never gotten to the bottom of this early loss and wonder if it is too late to explore it more fully. At my age now, I experience the regular loss of friends and family and each one takes me back to that early devastating loss.
Yes, Katie, I agree, do not compare death to divorce–each leaves its’ very different tangled mess to deal with.
I was 11 when my father committed suicide by shooting himself in the head. I was the one who found his body. I had to keep the true cause of his death a secret from everyone except immediate family members. My mother then started abusing drugs again heavily and died from an overdose when I was 15. My younger brother and I then went into foster care. As much as I tried to tell myself that I was alright I realized years later that I was never alright. The losses I experienced left me deeply scarred in ways I never even realized. It made me feel not only different, but completely alienated. I never talked to anyone about what I experienced (aside from the therapists I was forced to see while in foster care).
As an adult now, many years after all of this, I am still haunted by my losses. There’s still a part of me that is a child crying for those who will never come back. Deep inside there is still that child who screamed for his daddy to come back to him as he watched his mother give him mouth to mouth. The blood was everywhere. Those images can never be erased.
I needed someone to hug me and tell me everything would be alright. I needed someone to hold me and tell me there was nothing I could have done to stop it. I needed someone to comfort me. No one ever did. No one who knows me now knows any of the things that I went through. No one knows the pain and lonliness I felt. I learned to take care of myself as best I could. I didn’t really do a good job. There is an emptiness inside of me that can never truly be filled. I needed someone to talk to. I still do. But even if I could I know I wouldn’t.
My father died in front of me from a heart attack when I was almost 7. I was an only child, and have no memory of him before that day. I do have some memories of that day but not a lot. I am now 65 years old and think I want the memories but still don’t remember. Was hypnotized once by a doctor but remember he said I would remember what I wanted to remember and forget what I didn’t. Anyone else have a memory block.
I lost my mother at age 11, i helped my Dad raise my lil bro. and lil sister, I had three older siblings, of which I have only an older sister , both my brother and one other sister were killed in auto accidents, I was only three when my then 11 yr old sister died, and my bro died when i was in my late thirties, i am 48, none the less…time tells all….grief never leaves…and reminders are part of a life time. My thing is how I can see all the personality problems I have had since the death of my mom…..I have always tried to “take” care of everyone and nurture their feelings, I have always wanted to be taken care of loved, hugged and nurtured….becoming almost disabled by these feelings, I had four children , they all have problems, three oldest are women with children, one son youngest, no children, he’s 27…..anyway I have 10 grands. But my feelings of guilt for their problems, and my own need for nurturing are crippling my life.
my dad died in 2003, it’s 2013, we were very close
My mother committed suicide when I was 4, and there are still a lot of loose ends surrounding it. I spent my entire life thinking that she killed herself and building a better relationship with my father. Through my high school years I was extremely rebellious to my dad because of the awful relationship between me and my step mother. I feel because of my behavior, ruined this marriage. Afterwards, we slowly rebuilt our relationship to where now it’s better but kind of shaky. Once I turned eighteen on a visit to my distant maternal grandparents, they told me there was a lot I didn’t know. My mother showing them people were following her, stress from my fathers addictions, and I gambling problem that I was unaware of. When the FBI did their investigation, they said that the whole situation was bizarre. There is even accounts on record of me at four years old saying there was a strange man lurking around the outside of the house. This is still an outgoing investigation, but it has gone cold. I have no idea what really happened, but it seems like my father had some hand in this. Now as a college student, I have a much better relationship with my dad. We have never gone into detail about the situation, and every time I ask he doesn’t tell me anything relevant. This has put me in an awful position. I don’t know where to confront him about it and risk destroying the one solid family relationship I have left, or just let it go and go on living with the person who could have caused all of this pain for me. I’ve gone on just ignoring it, trying to better myself and get through school. It is still a large burden on me emotionally and I am completely torn. Every time I’ve gone to a counselor I complete the course and they say I’m alright, but I really don’t think so. I feel like I’m going to go through life without being able to trust anyone, and will die lonely like I’ve always been…
Hello Lucinda,
I lost my dad to a sudden and unexpected heart attack when I was 8 years old. I can remember everything about that day as if it was yesterday. But like you I cannot remember anything about my dad before that day. I was kept away from the funeral to protect me but I have always felt angry about this although I know my mom was doing what she thought was best at the time.
I’m 42 now and still have problems as I don’t think I ever truly grieved.
I’ve managed to track down some of my dads old friends via email and have obtained some good info, simple things like what his favorite drink, food, TV program was etc.
can’t explain why I can’t remember anything myself unless your memory shuts everything out to cope.
There is so much pain on this website, it is devestating. I am 53 years old, female, and lost my father at age 7. He was sick as long as I can remember, and did not have the time of day for me. His death resulted in terrible nightmares and a fear of heights for some odd reason. I kept dreaming that I climbed the stairs in our home. At the top I was standing in front of closed elevator doors. When they opened, my partially decomposed father came after me. The nightmares subsided, but I am left with a fear of heights and now that I play a musical instrument, this fear has translated into performance anxiety. As I realized the origin of my fears, I have begun to research the effect of a parent’s death. I was surprised how much material I found on the web. This subject is finally being explored and studied in great detail. Apparently boys and girls are affected differently. Girls tend to be successful and fiercely self reliant. Boys tend to manifest their grief in more disruptive behaviours, especially if they are young(around 5 years old). It also depends wether it is a mother or father you lose, and the manner in which you lose them. No doubt it is a journey and my heart goes out to all of you who travelled it with me. Blessings!
thanks chris for sharing your story helped me alot.. my dad committed suisude when i was 13 and i too bottled everything inside untill it came out itself. again in destructive ways. i an 24 now and started recovery about a year ago it is hard but freeing at the same time. its just nice to know that i am not alone.. i fell that way alot in relation to this topic.
A lot of these sharings come from a very deep place, and I feel that it is good sometimes for us to share the feelings caused by our losses. And these losses can have untoward effects on our lives.
I’m currently doing some personal research into gender constructs in society, and looking into androgyny, as I have always found myself with quite masculine traits, as well as feminine (I am female).
I lost my dad at the age of 13 to heart failure, and my mother, who already had issues with alcohol abuse, became more dependant on alcohol, which resulted in my siblings both leaving home (one through choice at 16, one by social services at 10) when I was 14. I am wondering if the fact that I was left to pick up the pieces of my mother’s shattered life, left me becoming the husband, the brother, the son, the father, that she no longer had (deceased, lost contact, taken away, deceased). I’m unsure if there has been any research conducted into this area. I am trying to search for it (hence how I came across this page), but id anyone could inform me of anything, I’d really appreciate it.
I’m not really looking for advice about my own life, as much as advice for my boyfriend. His dad died of cancer when he was 16 so it was just him and his mom from ages 16-21 (and we’re both almost 22). Without warning (and they think it was a stroke), his mom died and my boyfriend found her dead the next morning. He was a wreck the first few months because he was suddenly an orphan but at an older age rather than as a child, and I tried to be there as best as I could but I feel like he needs more.
It’s been about 8 months since her death and he finally acknowledges that he should talk to a therapist but is there anything else I can do or suggest for him? I don’t want him having a breakdown in the future that could have been prevented or at least subdued. Sorry it’s so long, any advice would be greatly appreciated.
I had a question for the people that commented on this site. I see that some of you loss your parents at an early age and I would like to know your perspective on how you turned out in the sense of feeling lost or incomplete or having resentment. I lost my mom at the age of twenty and it has been very tough for me. But I am very worried about my brother that was only 6 when it happened. I need to know that in one way or another he will be ok. He is struggling with school, doesn’t want to do homework, it may be because mom used to help him with that. And our father loves him, but he doesn’t have much patience and can be authoritative at times. I am away at college most of the time and I am afraid he will not be ok when he grows up because he doesn’t have that warm comfort that comes from a mother’s love. If anyone has some helpful input on the our situation I would really appreciate your perspective.
@ Sarah I was 11 when I lost my dad and 15 when I lost my mom. I do have strong feelings of being lost and incomplete. My feelings of resentment stem from the fact that they were responbile for thier own deaths. If I had someone to help me encourage me and just be there through the years I probably would have had a better time dealing with it. But that is my case. Everyone is different. Your brother has you even if you’re not always physically there for him. I recommend that you encourage him as much as possible to talk about your the loss and his feelings. Let him know he’s not alone. There are support groups for young people who lost a parent. I attened one once and it was very helpful. I’m sure your brother will be ok because he has you and your father. It’s not going to be easy but even if you’re there for him he will be ok.
I grew up in a home with lots of domestic abuse. i have 4 sisters and I was the only one never physically harmed. My dad was in the navy and my mother was a severe alcoholic. While she loved me very much my father was cold and unsympathetic. To this day he has never complimented me or told me he loves me. They got divorced when I was 10 and that was basically when the trouble began. my first crime was that summer when I stole $1200 from my moms boyfriend and used it to buy rare comics. She died when I was 12 from acute ethanol toxicity “alcohol poisoning”. Shortly there after I was kicked out of 2 private schools within a month, failed the 6th grade , (straight a’s prior, spelling bees, chess club, you name it) started fighting all the time, became increasingly violent and destructive, etc.. My first time arrested was age 14 and have been arrested dozens of times since. I started doing drugs around then and dropped out of school at 15. I was very sexually active, with little regard for personal safety. I’ve done a total of about 6 years behind bars and I’m 27 now. I did 5 years from age 17 to 22 for malicious wounding ( Virginia). I got out, did good for a while, then started with drugs again and eventually started shooting heroin. I’m practically clean now ((except for pot and alcohol)trust me, it’s an improvement). Doctors try to label me as, sociopathic, bi-polar, narcissistic, anti-social, attention deficit.. Maybe I’m all of those, I don’t know. I do know that I was a good kid with a family at one point, and I was okay until my family disintegrated. I acted out a little when they divorced, but when she died I went bonkers. I think it’s because I went from being loved, with positive and negative reinforcement from my mother, to an absent, purely negative father. To this day I have had no lasting relationship, although its very easy for me to meet girls and make friends. My advice to you is to fully support your brother and don’t abandon him. He needs you to help him in this crucial stage of his development.
Does anyone know how we, the public, can get hold of this article? I would really be interested to read it.
My dad died when I had just turned 3, and coupled with the fact that I have “Insecure Attachment” issues with mum, I’d like to know what their studies unearthed.
I empathise with those still struggling with issues… you’re not alone. That’s so cliche, but it’s either that or a long-winded monologue that will end up confusing rather than helping.
Regards
I spent some time reading through the posts and wanted to comment on the memory issue for those who were aged 5 or 6.
I was speaking to my brother, who had just turned 6 two months before my dad’s death, and was surprised to hear him say he has no memories of dad or anything else before the day dad died. His first memory was of one of our mum’s friends taking him shopping to buy a toy car, whilst dad’s funeral was in progress.
There’s definitely a theme here. I was too young, so I have no memory at all of him. To be honest, I don’t know WHAT my first memory is – I have a very “chaotic” mind…. Dr. Gabor Mate calls it “scattered mind” which is also the name of his book. It’s referring to ADHD, amongst other “disorders”.
I’d recommend you researching the author on YouTube if interested in how attachment (incl. loss) to parents can have lasting effects on children. Very informative.
Blessings.
Apologies, I wanted to add.
My brother didn’t realise his memory fell on the day of dad’s funeral, mum recalled the event when I was telling her about my bro’s lack of any memory of our father.
Sad.
Or perhaps it’s normal for children not to have memories of anything before a cerain age? Maybe the capacity for laying down (long term, conscious) memories can only occur at a certain stage of brain development?
I’m sure this will become more apparent as others comment on their memories/ages.
Jimmy
I just read your post (apologies – that’s my ADHD :)) I don’t have a long attention span so have read more than half the posts, and just read yours.
I just wanted to tell you – ADHD, and a few of the other disorders you mentioned above (if not all of them) occur due to your environment and sensitivity (which is passed on by your genes).
You can research this – try looking under neuro (i.e. neuropsychology, neuropsychiatrist, neuroscience, etc.). Start with Dr. Gabor Mate on YouTube and if you’re interested enough your research will branch out from there.
I’m currently seeing a neuropsychologist who is the ONLY therapist who has been able to target what’s wrong, why, and how to right it. EMDR is good, as is bio/neurofeedback. She doesn’t like to assign labels, believing that everything is a result of the brains development (which is based on our environment (experiences, attachment, etc.), and to our genes (again.. the sensitivity gene).
Regards and good luck – you’ve done really well from some really challenging times… don’t give up.. and there’s nothing wrong with you (also research addiction, and anti-social behaviour/violence, acting out, etc., from the same author for further understanding).
Peace
My partner’s 14 year old lost her mother to cancer when she was 8 and she resents the presence of me and my 9 year old daughter in their lives to the point where she gets her way and he visits us but we no longer spend time all together. He gives in to her but it won’t help either of them in the ling run. She is attention-seeking and very materialistic. She reported him go the authorities almost to show him the power she has. She seems lost but I need to think of my own little girl. We tried to be there for them but I feel out my depth in such a complex situation. He isn’t a very open-minded father and at 14 she has come out as gay to her peers. They cope by ignoring the important issues. After 3 years, I don’t hold out much hope other than keeping my relationship casual with him. He won’t leave the house he shared with his late wife 6.5 years on and his daughter told me to my face that she is getting the house. His mother is very dominant in their lives, also widowed. My instincts tell me to keep them all at arms length now. I love him so much but wish I had not gotten involved.
I lost my mother when I was 7 years old. I’m 25 now. She committed suicide right in front of me. I never knew who my father was. I also found my sixth month old brother when dead in his crib when I was 4 years old. I was raised in foster care until I was 18. I have no family at all. I’ve just survived since I was 18. I joined the military and was discharge with borderline personality disorder. I’ve been homeless a lot. I’ve never had a home. Even now I’am facing homelessness again. I have thought about killing myself lately. Something I have no thought of for quite some time. I have never had friends or anything. I have never realized how much of a big deal this is until recently. I won’t go too much into detail. I was sexually molested shortly after my mother died and I never told anyone about it until I was 21. I’m a good person and get told this a lot. I just wish I could be happy and not feel alone all the time. I miss my mother all the time. Not as much as I use to. I wish I could have had a normal life. I never know what to do with my life because I feel like I have nothing to offer. It’s just me and that’s all I’ve ever had. I turned 25 a few weeks ago and that in itself is saddening. My mother was 25 years old when she killed herself. I was in the second grade when it happened. I just want to go back to college and do something with my life but I don’t know how to. I really don’t. There has to be a scholarship or a way for me to go to college. I have never owned a car or had my own place because I’ am too unstable to acquire any of these things. The things I want to do in my life, I cannot because of my circumstances. I’ve always wanted to be a hollywood actor or learn to play the piano, Alas, I cannot because my mind is always focused on surviving. You may be wondering how I’ am writing on the internet right now, I’ m at a friends house, but cannot stay here for much longer. I was always good at video games growing up and when I was in the military. Sometimes I still play when I get the chance, but my life revolves around surviving. I have a very high I.Q. as well. I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was in the foster home growing up also along with Major Depression Disorder. I’ m suppose to be on medicine, however, I refuse to take medicine because I can make myself better if I want. It’s very hard because I cannot hold a job or anything. I want to love the world and show everyone my love even through all of my hardships and strife. =/ I want to live. I’ m tired of just surviving. I’ve never written anything like this before on the internet but I’ m reaching out to anyone that is willing to help me in any way because I want to make a difference in this world. I pretty much keep to myself but lately I just want to let the world know who I am and help change the world and my life if I had some help. Im tired of running from everything. I have gotten through a lot but things just keep getting thrown my way and I’ m ready for support. =/ P.S. It’s not as easy as you may think. Everyone is different.
I was 4 when I lost my dad. I didn’t understand it at the time but I remember vividly the last time I saw him, I have frequent dreams about it. Ten years on, im 14 now, and its only gotten worse for me, while everyone else has gotten over it. I self harm a lot because I can’t handle the stress of everyday life. I am severely depressed and suffering panic attacks three to four times a week. I also suffer with anxiety issues and trichotillomania. All because my dad died ten years ago.
I may be young but I’m willing to help you :) if you get the chance email me. My names Dorrie. Stay strong until then :) and usually the people who are the most hurt tend to be the brightest as in smarts and in heart.
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