My Partner Can’t Control His Anger

Dear GoodTherapy.org,
I think the man I'm seeing has an extremely bad problem. He gets so mad and will go on and on screaming at me over the most simple things. He says I don't care about anything, and I do care. We are 62. We were going to start a new life with each other, but he gets too mad about everything and is so controlling, verbally abusive, and exaggerates the situations he gets mad about. What in the world is wrong with him? He has been married 3 times. I've known him for 47 yrs but I never knew he was like this. He's president of a company, he runs, and seems like he has to control all things—but I am rather quiet and don't have any issues with anyone. He will not stay off me, he gets so mad at me over such silly things, and he won't be quiet. I have to put my hands on my ears because he's so loud. What is his problem? -Sick of It

Dear Sick of It,

I’m sorry to hear about this very distressing situation. It does sound like the man you’re seeing has a serious problem with anger management. The screaming, verbal abuse, and controlling behavior are familiar problems for those of us who work with men in therapy. Generally speaking, it is also untenable in any close relationship, and it’s often a deal breaker for women in relationships with men who cannot learn to manage their anger effectively. Without knowing more about him, it’s difficult to know what the underlying problems may be. I would be curious about stage of life issues, given his age and the fact that he’s been married three times previously. Most therapists recognize that this kind of anger is generally a type of defense or self protection. In my work with men, I usually identify fears and shame (feeling not good enough as a man) as the underlying emotional struggles that result in excessive anger. Another indication of this is his controlling behavior. Many people, men and women alike, are controlling because they’re afraid. For example, the more a man tries to control other people, the more he tends to be afraid that his needs won’t be met or that the outcome will reflect poorly on him as a person (shame). You indicated in your question that he says you don’t care about anything. Perhaps he believes you don’t care about him. This could be his perception, which he may not even be aware of, and it’s only a perception. He could be unusually needy and too ashamed to even be aware of his needs. He could also have a sense of entitlement—possibly resulting in a “narcissistic injury”—the little boy in him not tolerating his needs being unmet. In any event, you need to take action. Talk to him to see if he is willing to communicate about this. You need to set boundaries so that you don’t get hurt. He’s externalizing an internal emotional struggle and taking it out on you. You have a right to protect yourself—tell him to stop and that you will not accept that kind of behavior. If he won’t stop, you may need to take more definitive action, like separating yourself from him. Counseling or therapy may be helpful; perhaps he will go with you if you tell him it’s for the two of you.

Comments

Betty June 14th, 2012 at 1:39 PM #1

Leave that guy he sounds like a total pig and is not treating you fairly at all. You dont deserve to be treated like that it’s not safe.
kashae hunt June 21st, 2012 at 3:07 PM #2

Yes me and my husband have a very hard time controlling our angury toward eachother and it is doing anything but destroying our six year old daughter and our nine year marrige please some help us thank you
Beth Andrews July 9th, 2012 at 4:54 AM #3

Leave and leave very quickly. I was in a relationship that lasted 10 years and the abuse escalated continuously. It first started with yelling nad grabbing then it moved to further physical abuse. I failed to recognize the whole situation and thought he simply still loved me and I was doing something wrong. So please leave before you too are put into the hospital.
Carmen April 7th, 2013 at 12:08 AM #4

Same problem. The guy I was with for 20 years (never living together due to his temper) just would not change. He also had three failed marriages in his past. He never was physically aggressive, but I frequently felt humiliated by his very public tantrums over such minor things and sometimes over seemingly nothing. One time I made him cookies and brought them into him while he was watching television three rooms away from where I was making the cookies. I cheerfully brought the cookies into him and was blindsided by the screaming fit that followed. He got so irate over the cookies saying that I was making it so he could not watch Hannity. Another time we were at a gas station and he got mad over the price of gas and started screaming at me as if I was personally responsible for the increase in the price. I left him just over a year ago. He still tries to get in touch with me, but I’ve blocked him out of my life and have moved on. And I bet he still can’t figure out why I left. So my advice to you, if he does not want to change, you can’t make him. So move on. There are all kinds of meet up clubs on the internet that you can join to met new people that have the same interests as you. Check it out and be happy.