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My Boyfriend Has Kids, I Don’t … Should I Stay?

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

My boyfriend already has three children. I have none. Should I continue dating him? I'm 26 years old. I can't seem to accept the fact he's already experienced having a family. I truly care for him, but I'm struggling. - Torn


Dear Torn,

Thank you for writing in with such a rich and complex question. Unfortunately, I can’t give you a simple yes-or-no answer. As is often true with relationships, it is a bit more complicated than that. I can, however, suggest some areas for you to explore as you consider your next steps.

First, I would encourage you to explore why you are having such difficulty accepting the fact your boyfriend already has children. This would give many people pause. Relationships can be quite complicated when only two people are involved—each person brings his or her own unique goals, dreams, and expectations, as well as wounds from previous relationships. Negotiating all of this can be challenging. Add three children and their mother to the mix and things can get very complicated, very quickly. But the question for you is, how are you experiencing this? How do you feel about his children? Do you get along well with them or is there a lot of tension between you? Are you concerned about whether your boyfriend will want to have children with you, given he already has three of his own? If he does want to have children with you, are you worried that it won’t mean as much to him as it does to you, as a first-time parent? Are you interested in being a mother at all? Did you envision motherhood coming later in your life? What will your role with his three children be and what are your thoughts and feelings on that role? Sit with these questions, allow others to arise, and be brutally honest with yourself in answering them. It might be a good idea to partner with a therapist who can facilitate a thorough exploration of these issues and support you in the process.

Once you have gained greater clarity on your thoughts, feelings, and concerns about the fact your boyfriend is already a father, it seems that the next step is to talk to him. Share with him what arose for you in your exploration of this very serious issue. If you do choose to stay in this relationship, it will be essential to be able to have difficult conversations with him about his children and how you feel about them, and about how they impact your relationship. If you don’t choose to stay in the relationship, you will likely need to have another kind of difficult conversation about why you are leaving the relationship. A therapist could be very valuable in helping you prepare for these conversations and in processing the outcomes.

Thank you again for writing in with a question that surely resonates with many. I wish you courage in the process of sorting this out and peace with whatever choice you make.


  • lily December 15th, 2012 at 11:44 AM #1

    when did he tell you about the children? was he upfront about it from the very beginning? or are the facts being revealed to you gradually? if it is the latter I would say run, without a doubt!

    but if he was honest with you from the beginning I think you need to think about what future you see with him. if you see yourself settling down with this man then you need to consider all the things that he will bring along into the marriage – the custody of the kids, his connection with his ex wife, your connection with his children,your plans of having children, and many others. tbh there’s no one but you who can answer this for sure. there is a lot of introspection to do and I would say its better to start ASAP.

  • Ella December 16th, 2012 at 8:27 AM #2

    There isn’t much wrong in him having kids already,as long as you are kept in the loop.I think you can definitely make things work,but proceed only if you are sure you are okay with it.No reason to continue now only to be heartbroken later due to the decision,is it?!

  • Laura December 16th, 2012 at 10:01 AM #3

    It’s not like he hid this from you, right? So you have known all along that he already has a family. I think that maybe this is something that you will have to work out on your own. You are the one who seemingly has issues with this. So you are the one who has to make that right choice for you.

  • liliana December 17th, 2012 at 6:17 AM #4

    Run. Find a man that has no children & start your own journey together. You’re always going to feel like the outsider in this relationship. I say run!

  • Anonymous December 25th, 2012 at 4:13 AM #5

    You people who are acting as a man is a criminal for having children are no better than those people who crap on single mothers. You’re completely horrible individuals with no compassion, no conscience, and no decency. So what if he has kids. You don’t know the circumstances, yet you’re already judging him to be a devious bastard. It’s people like you who contribute to the high divorce rate.

    You’re arrogant in the extreme and unfairly judgmental of people you’ve never even met and too quick to condemn a man on the basis that he’s got different plumbing than you. For if you weren’t you’d say the same crap about single mothers and you know what?…I seldom see women ripping apart the reputations of single mothers. …but single fathers. Yep. You’ll definitely do that.

    I truly hope you people choke on all that bile you’re spewing.

  • Anonymous December 25th, 2012 at 4:18 AM #6

    Also…with how judgmental you vile harpies are, it’s no surprise that someone wouldn’t want to come out and automatically state they’re a single parent, especially if they don’t have custody.

    “Oh hai. Can we have coffee. I’m a single parent.” <—This would NOT be proper at all, yet here you are expecting people to just spew forth all the skeletons in their closet from their past to some girl they just met who hasn't EARNED the right to know all of a person's secrets.

    Seriously. Where the Hell is respect for privacy? I don't see you evil crones going out there and telling people YOUR unfortunate experiences all in one giant blast. You people make me sick.

  • mike December 27th, 2012 at 12:17 AM #7

    Just as an added comment given with first hand experience. I am a single father with three young children. Through court I was awarded full custody and enjoy it immensely. In trying to develop a new relationship there seems to be need to be somewhat timid in referencing both children and more so the number of children. I have been told by some woman that three kids its a problem in relationship development. This is where it becomes difficult when a father has multiple kids – there seems in my experience there is quite different treatment between single mothers and single fathers and this increased with the number of children involved.
    I know from a years worth of this that its incredibly difficult to find someone who has much interest in being with a single father of multiple children.

  • Angie February 5th, 2013 at 8:30 AM #8

    I am currently dating someone who has 3 kids and full custody (not legally- just a POS for a mom). She basically only has anything to do with the kids unless it benefits her. I live with them and pay half the bills in the house. The biggest issue we have is when disciplining the kids. He still (after 3 years of living together) feels that it is up to him. My opinion is that since we are both adults in a commited long term relationship it should be a joint decision. Their ages are 16, 14 and 12, so the kinds of punishments are taking away computer useage, cell phones and no extra activities. Maybe since we are not married, I shouldn’t expect to have a say….I just don’t know. Initially when we discussed living together, it was decided that we would split things down the middle. I just don’t feel that it’s right to expect half for everything, but if I am home alone with the kids I can’t ask them to help with chores- or if they are fighting tell them to stop. Any advice?

  • Tamara July 14th, 2013 at 12:13 PM #9

    Man oh man… Angie I am with you on that, I have a boyfriend I have been living with for three years and he has two kids two little girls and he lets them get away with everything. He threatens punishment but he never follows through. My biggest complaint in our relationship amongst everything is that when we are in an argument he makes me angry then he comforts his kids as a safety net and I have no one to comfort me its unfair and unjust.

  • cas June 15th, 2014 at 8:32 AM #10

    While it’s easy to point the finger and say that the childless have the issues, you never quite know until you walk a mile in our shoes. In my case its not a matter of him having a child or children but its a huge culture shock going from single and free to ‘stepmom’ of X number of kids. Its a double edged sword…you’re not allowed to discipline or correct the child when misbehaving yet youre frowned at when you dont want to be around them. No one should have to sacrifice their sanity for an unbalanced relationship. If theres a difference in parenting theres going to be Prob-Lems. My guy doesnt want more kids I was unsure. …I am very sure now that I dont want children. How does a relationship work when he emphasizes that I have to be ok with not having/wanting kids of my own yet he has them?? #Imbalance.

  • pleasingall June 22nd, 2014 at 12:31 AM #11

    Okay so I have been dating this guy for 2 years he recently received custody of his 4 kids (8,7,5,2 yrs old) and an additional kid(1yrs old) that is not his but he is taking because she is the sister to his kids I love and respect this man for stepping up as a father..When I met him he didn’t tell me about his kids until one day b4 he took me in a family bbq he has been living with his mother two brothers a sister her babydaddy and her son in a 3 bedroom apartment. We have spent almost all our time together at my place I have no kids currently working on a m.b.a…I enjoy his kids and they have been in dcfs for about 6 months..his mother is giving him her apartment because she is moving in with a husband. .he will be renting the same 3 bedroom but not in his name in his mother’s name so that he can get the kids out the system.i cant stress enough how much I love him he is asking that I move in with him and help out we have been wanting a place together but up until now I never knew it would include 5 small children. .Im 25 and for real im scared that because he doesn’t have his high school diploma i met him while he is seeking GEDand he quit school to work.. he is now working in a factory making about 190 every week full time i think that this process will fall back on me financially, and emotionally. Im unsure about moving forward in our relationship or even moving in. Since you have small children I was wondering what your thoughts are because I see all my dreams and goals going out the window whether I leave or stay??????

  • liz June 29th, 2014 at 10:24 AM #12

    I can totally relate. I’m in my mid forties and I don’t have children. I’ve never felt the need to as some women. I’m in a relationship with a man who has three kids… under the age of 10. There is no discipline, they don’t have to do chores, the house is left a mess on the weekends they are here and they are allowed to use bad language etc with no consequences. I asked the eldest to help me put away groceries and he burst into tears and threw a tantrum. I talked to my partner about all of my concerns and somehow because I’m not the birth mom I’ve ended up the bad guy trying to run a boot camp by just wanting them to learn a bit of structure. Now on the weekends I dont even want to be around them… I have no say even though I live with my partner and I think his kids are brats and its sad because it will only hurt the kids future for not learning rules and structure. I love my partner… but the kids are driving a huge wedge now and causes fights because I have no say on any of it and Im the bad guy. I’m so frusterated

  • confused July 22nd, 2014 at 2:46 PM #13

    am in a similar situation too. my boyfriend had a one night stand and he found out the girl was pregnant 2 months into our relationship. then i told him i would stay because he is my bestfriend and i cant imagine life without him. now 9 months into the relationship am feeling the strain, i cant seem to cope, it hurts everytime i think of it, it makes me angry like why wouldnt he just use protection. he loves the kid but i know he loves me too, we sometimes even talk of future plans together. i know i wanna be with him forever and i know he wants that too but i dont think i will ever be ok with him having a kid with another woman. the fact that the baby looks too damn like him doesnt help at all, and when i asked him to tell the girl he is in a relationship now, he refused and said he didnt want to hurt her even if he claims they dont talk. what do i do? am torn between sucking it up and staying… and letting go. i would like to pretend he didnt make that mistake (thats what he calls it) so much that i have told him to unfriend all my friends on facebook because i dont want them to know he has a kid. am i selfish or immature? please help me. am 23 and he is 27 by the way

  • anonymous August 11th, 2014 at 7:02 AM #14

    My boyfriend has 3 children from different mothers.and I dont have a problem with that and I have accepted that he has problems..
    What bothers me is that he never talks abt them or seeing them,and im not even sho if he is supporting them financially.or he is doing things behind my back.so this thing hurt me..what must I do?
    Couse I want his to see his children and give then love not to panish them becouse of what happened between him and their mothers..and if he sees them I also want him to tell me..to be open about this things

  • Lea August 25th, 2014 at 1:44 PM #15

    I agree: run! You will never have peace, be a priority or have the loving, happy relationship we all deserve.

  • Angellee September 14th, 2014 at 1:04 PM #16

    HI,I’m currently in a relationship with someone who has 6 kids by 3 different women. I didn’t find out until 1 year into the relationship and by then I was too emotionally involved to turn away. I found out through someone else that he cheated on me with and I was devastated, and after 6 years we are still together. I have 3 children 1 who is by him and the other 2 he came into their lives when they was just 1 and 2. I’m am trying to merge our families together but its so difficult due to him not having enough money to take care of his kids and take care of our house hold where he lives. I do my part in taking care of my kids and don’t ask him for much of anything when it comes to my kids. 3 of his children lives with his mom and dad and they always say he don’t care about is kids and only cares about mine and this makes it difficult to bond with them. I don’t have much just enough to keep my kids decent and I don’t ask him to buy my kids anything. I have so much invested in this relationship and I can understand how your past catches up with you but I don’t want his kids to hate him and me and think I am the one keeping him away from his kids. I so torn and this relationship is a mess! I’m just figuring out how to be the best mother I can be to my 3 and now I have to figure out how can we make his mess a better situation

  • unknow September 24th, 2014 at 6:14 PM #17

    By boyfriend tried hard to stay with me, however I know it is because his daughter prefers stay with her mother and he needs me. As soon she contacts him to stay together, he is much happier. I can do everyting I can to make him happy, but is nothing like when he is with her. I am not jealous, just tired of this.. I want to leave him, but I feel bad because is will be lonely, but I think is time to find a man who wants to be happy with me and feels that I am the his real hapiness, as well, he doesn’t need his daughter to get completely happy.

  • Vanessa September 25th, 2014 at 4:03 PM #18

    I been dating this guy who has 3kids but 2 different babymommas, I meet him by his second babymomma she had invite me to her baby shower & 1st birthday but I didn’t know that I would have my eyes on him,Time pass by he send me a message by fb so I starting yo message him so I had ask him how is your babymomma he had said oh she there we broke up. So I we decided to talk more with exchange number, So she had found out everything she made big show & stuff … So idk what should I do..??

  • jane October 18th, 2014 at 12:15 AM #19

    No one cares. None of my friends. My boyfriend has a child he doesn’t know. Im 23 he’s 25. It would be ok If he knew her. But its just some girl in another town with his kid and he doesn’t give two f***s or do anything about it. He gives this child no support. He seems like he wants pity from me. It disguist me. I love him, but I dont think this seems right. Suggestions?

  • wanttobehappy October 22nd, 2014 at 4:22 PM #20

    I totally agree with the comment:

    September 24th, 2014 at 6:14 PM
    I just feel I am a step, it is because he has not choice, he daughter wants to be with her mother. He never has money to take to a restaurant, just cook for me sometimes. He wants to live next to her, so no way he will ever be part really of my life.
    Today, he said he taking his daughter to a restaurante, amazing, with me no money, he has to cook at home, but with his daughther he can take her to a restaurant. I AM OUT. SICK OF THIS. I am not jealous, I just love myself enought, now.

  • Melissa October 31st, 2014 at 10:32 AM #21

    My boy and I have been dating for 4 months now and one of his exes sent him child support papers and she thinks it’s his baby. Well a couple of day ago he got results back from the DNA test and it said that he is the dad..

    What should I do?

  • sam November 16th, 2014 at 6:24 AM #22

    Omg well the boy I am speaking to at the moment has one daughter but I feel as if I will never be completely happy because of course she comes first and that’s very understandable. People who already have kids and they are not together with the child’s parent deserves someone to be with as well, no matter if kids are involved. That wouldn’t be fair but I still feel like its a disaster waiting to happen. My advice is if you can handle that situation then work it out, if it bothers you then just leave that person alone if you cannot fully invest yourself. Its all in preference

  • Chiz December 20th, 2014 at 7:18 AM #23

    I would say you should go to find another opportunity. It is rewarding if you can handle but it requires so much effort and time… You have no kid. And you are young. I would say you should explore more opportunities and take time and finalize your thought…you might now know what exactly you want. Take your time

  • Crossroads January 14th, 2015 at 9:20 AM #24

    My case is a little different, I just married my guy of 4 years I love him relentlessly but he has 4 children . The oldest he was very dumb and very you g , the other 3 are from a prior marriage . The youngest will be 9 soon and the oldest is 16 the other 2 are teens so not too many years left and even though we only get get them every other weekend u am starting to resent the hell out if them and him . I gave zero baggage , the kids are nice to me but not raised well at all they fight and trash my house and I feel like a maid I look forward to them going home… I know I sound horrible I am not mean to them and they love me I buy them gifts and nice things and even got a larger house so they had their own nice rooms . My husband wants a child with me but I’m scared first off being mom number 3 feels kind of scummy … Secondly he’s paying for 4 and while it’s not a lot and they are in their teens it is still things I wouldn’t have to deal with .. He has agreed we can move away in a couple of years as he wants a child he can raise from start to finish . I said his youngest son is more than welcome to come with us. The others will be 15, 16 and 18 so they can travel and visit during holidays and other times ( they never really bother with him now ) … I’m 36 if I am going to have a child I need t get in with it but to be mom number 3 gives me a crappy feeling … I don’t want to hear in being sfish blah blah as all of you on here with no kids could understand this is hard.. Anyone else feel the same?
    Thank you

  • Lady January 16th, 2015 at 9:49 PM #25

    I am in my second relationship with a guy who has a biracial daughter. I have been doing my best to be helpful but as soon as I mention something in reference for instance washing her hands he gets very angry at me. He cancelled going out to dinner and he alienates me from he and his child. I then feel very sad and disappointed from this. I have an adult that I raised as a single parent and as a result she has no children and a college degree. I feel as though at times whatever I do it will never be right. He is not working and I feel like I am being unfairly.

  • queen January 22nd, 2015 at 8:39 PM #26


  • gh January 26th, 2015 at 4:34 PM #27

    RUN!! I was in a relationship with a man with two kids. He was the most insecure person ever. After I had a chat with him bout my feelings towards his kids…the next thing he does is go online to find other girls. I only found out he cheated on my after 4 months he was in a relationship with the other woman. But anyways, it was a blessing in disguise.

    I left him and came back to Australia.Found another man without kids, best feeling ever…coz you know you’ll finally have your own family.

  • Kris February 1st, 2015 at 9:57 PM #28

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3.5 years now. He is a veteran and has 2 kids, boy 13, girl 7 i dont have children which forces me to be a stepmother. His ex-wife has full custody so my BF makes child support payments monthly. By court order, we get the kids every other weekend. However the ex often needs someone to watch the children while she works, parties, travels etc. Which leaves the children in our care almost full time. The shame of it is she tends to exclude the children from her travels and fun, for example she visited New York recently and her son wishes to visit since he’s never been and would enjoy a trip there very much. Her excuse, the son doesn’t deserve it. To cut this story short, the ex could be a more loving and attentive mother. In other words she’s in it for the money. Due to her lack of attentiveness toward her children this leaves me as the next best thing. I often have trouble dicipling the children since my BF was always away on tours from the military, the children have developed bad habits and poor manners from their mother. The children are starving for attention from ANYONE so they constantly fight, trash the house and perform badly in school. I find myself counting the hours until they are returned to their mother If possible. I honestly dislike their presence. My BF realizes they do need some disciplining so he tries to help, however his efforts come short. My question, am I wrong for wishing my BF didn’t have children, I become stressed when they are with us, and try to limit my time with them by scheduling more hours at work. I have too much invested in this relationship and I feel the children will rip us apart. Am I a horrible person for wanting just him? Any advice?

  • melissa February 3rd, 2015 at 7:44 AM #29

    I’m 24 years old I have a man 30 years old that has two kids with someone else I have accepted that and accepted all the baggage that comes with it, he has the kids half the time it the deal they made in court and he also pays his support to her which also is agreed on in court and his ex isn’t really a nice person she’s just wants all his money and always tries to control him or tell him things and complain about the stupidest things like for example I took the kids to get there hair trimmed and she complained about it says that it’s her thing and blah blah I’m not their mother and next time he needs to tell her when I want to do things with them. But she has a kId with another man and she is with him now. My man and her haven’t been together for five years.so sometime I feel it hard to deal with her because she’s so petty about everything and I feel he shouldn’t have to deal with her petty things.another is that I find it hard to deal with is the amount of support he gives her I feel it’s way to much for the amount of time he has the kids he’s pays 800 a month she told the court that she’s on welfare and not working she’s a single mom of three kids but isn’t a single mom at all the man she is with lives with her and she also works under the table (I think) so I get annoyed that he get screwed over by her.we live together and we are now engaged I love the kids with all my heart and soul I treat them like they are my very own but I can’t help but feel that I am second best in his eyes I know this sounds bad and his kids come first like they should but I also feel like I should be coming first to seeing as I’m going to be his wife. I feel left out sometimes when there are playing and I’m stuck cleaning up the house and they don’t ask if I want to play or when I try to be a good role model I feel he just shoots it down hes says stuff like I’m there dad and there my kids I don’t no if it’s because maybe I try to hard to be a good second mother or what. Sometimes I feel i get to involved with them that I need to spend down and let him do it but I enjoy making there lunchs everyday I enjoy helping them with homework and I enjoy being a mother but I feel like maybe I try to hard. When I get involved with stuff with the ex and kids and I voice my opinion on in he’s gets upset and tell me it’s not my business but it is my business if we are getting married and it’s effecting us like the child support he has troubles every month because of the amount he pays and I tell him to try to do something about it and he says he can’t and it’s an argument and I get upset I fine I don’t care I won’t try anymore.then he calls me out on it and next time something happens and I stay anything he says oh I thought you didn’t care anymore or not going to get involved and it’d another argument . I spoil them beyond belief and my family loves them like they were my own kids but I feel like they don’t look at my family as their family they don’t call my family grandma grandpa or my siblings aunt and uncle and it kind of makes me feel like I’m not part of their family or they don’t look at me as their family and it hurts me and he doesn’t really seem to care to encourage them to call them that I have so many things that are bottling inside and I don’t no who to talk to if I talk to him he gets all defensive and tells me that I need to deal with it and get used to it because those are his kids and blah blah blah and I just really want to know an answer or if maybe I’m in the wrong for feeling the way that. He wants more kids with me and we have been trying for 5 months now and still no luck. will things change when I have my own kids? Will he even love my kid the way he loves his other? He always says how the kids are is whole world which also makes me feel sad because I feel like chopped liver shouldn’t I be his whole world too? the kids will grow up and not want to hang out with him one day so why does his whole life have to be about or work around there schedule why can’t he live his own life as well as be a great dad like he is and maybe I’m a bad person for saying that but I just feel like he evolved himself all around them and doesn’t do anything that he wants because of the kids I worry if he will he even be as excited as me when we have a baby together he has too girls right now and I know how he wants a boy so bad but what if I have I girl im scared if I give him something he already has it will not be an exciting time for him as it will me someone please help I feel quite lost

  • zzconfused February 6th, 2015 at 9:48 PM #30

    My bf and i have been together for 6months i love him he loves me there is just one problem his baby mama ive never met his daughter dont plan on meeting her at least not yet today he told me he had to be there for her cause she has unstable emotions that i can understand but when we first got together i wasnt told these things just that him and bm barely spoke so now you tell me you have to be there for her to now and it bugs me need a resolution my heart couldnt bare finding that he is pretending with her like their one big happy family excluding me of this info

  • K February 10th, 2015 at 5:48 PM #31

    Well I let a man move into myplace with 3 kids every other week , and 3 weeks over the holidays and he wauld rely on me paying for everything. And domand giving separate gift cards with my name on one… .
    I got no appreciation for the mills I cooked and paid for and he only paid 100 a week . Was hard getting that from him.
    He domand me to be with his kids at all times otherwise . I poot my business on total hold for him.
    I become so sick with kidney thing and needed to rest . So he done the right and loving thing and rubbed me for few days off and on. .. I was sooo thankful but only to find later he blamed me for his bad wrist and for rubbing me…. . I done all I can for that man and to give him a roof over his head and food on the table , untill one day I realised I was running out of money to keep bying food for him and his kids started out as 1 .. so I stoped cooking and hoped he wauld atleast by himself the meet he wants to eat with the vegies… .
    3 months of my life waisted. And I am still blaming myself because I didnt want him to reck my brick pavers by parking his 4 will drive truck into my back yard… .
    And for asking him to stay at his mums or friends 2 to 3 nights a week.
    And I still feel bad for being soo sick that he felt
    So much I have left out.

    Thr one thing he did for me is poot my cupboards up in the salon after I poot them together.. I am soo thankful that he done that for me but wish he wauld appreciate me in return. .. … . :-(

    Sorry for any typos I am upset and typing this on the phone. . Sorry

  • K-lee February 10th, 2015 at 6:00 PM #32


    Well I let a man move into myplace with 3 kids every other week , and 3 weeks over the holidays and he wauld rely on me paying for everything. And domand giving separate gift cards with my name on one… .I got no appreciation for the mills I cooked and paid for and he only paid 100 a week . Was hard getting that from him.
    He domand me to be with his kids at all times otherwise . I poot my business on total hold for him.I become so sick with kidney thing and needed to rest . So he done the right and loving thing and rubbed me for few days off and on. .. I was sooo thankful but only to find later he blamed me for his bad wrist and for rubbing me…. . I done all I can for that man and to give him a roof over his head and food on the table , untill one day I realised I was running out of money to keep bying food for him and his kids started out as 1 .. so I stoped cooking and hoped he wauld atleast by himself the meet he wants to eat with the vegies… .3 months of my life waisted. And I am still blaming myself because I didnt want him to reck my brick pavers by parking his 4 will drive truck into my back yard… .And for asking him to stay at his mums or friends 2 to 3 nights a week.And I still feel bad for being soo sick that he feltSo much I have left out.

    The one thing he did for me is poot my cupboards up in the salon after I poot them together..

    I am soo thankful that he done that for me but wish he wauld appreciate me in return. ..

    … . :-(Sorry for any typos I am upset and typing this on the phone. . Sorry

  • lollipop February 11th, 2015 at 5:29 AM #33

    i’m 19 and my boyfriend is 25. we have been dateing now for 5 months…he never told me that he has a kid.One day my best friend saw him with a little girl outside of a mall and told me about that. On next day i was angry at him and asked why he didn’t tell me about the kid,but he said that he was too scared that i would runaway from him…through all this i still love him and he loves me…and i love his child as she would be ours. Life is so short so plz people don’t judge others because they have kids or no…judge them by who they are. Spread love and that’s the most important thing :)

  • chocolate February 17th, 2015 at 4:51 AM #34

    Hay I’m 20 about to be 21 in may of 2015 I have been dating my 31 year old boyfriend he has 3 kids (10.8.and 5) now I like the kids that sweet sometimes but very aggregating everytime I see them…. Now I been thinking I’m a young sexy fresh women that’s about to be 21 I was thinking I got alot ahead in life do I really want to help take care of his Baggage I mean 3 kids is alot and then there older so that have a great understanding with there parents I really feel as if when I have kids in not gonna be first ugh every girl wants to be first frfr I mean all the things I looked up was young women don’t really wanna date a dude with kids….. Kids are bad nah really I was a kid once so I remember the feeling when you a kid and your up in age you remember alot more then you would while your an adult……. Ok but back to the story I really been thinking about dumping this man simply because of that……he has kids like I really can’t cope with that knowing if I have kids its gonna be my first and its gonna be his 4th child I really Hate the sound of that its not gonna be a special to him as it is with me… He shared that moment with his ugly ass ex girlfriend that was together 11 years that’s along time he had his 1st when he was 20 so I’m 10 years older then his eldest child now its a catch tho me and him been dating for almost 2 Mon now he already bringing up he want more kids before he 40 ok I lied and said well I don’t want kids knowing I do I jest hate that he has kids by this other woman ugh it drives me crazy I haven’t meet the girl yet face to face but I seen her like when he has the kids she goes to his house to get them ready for school because he gotta work child support eating him alive……. Now knowing me I don’t like the sound her still getting bread from my dude but I understand that its suppose to be for the kiddos…… Yea whateva the kids don’t get what that really need when I see them that look a mess hair everywhere clothes that need new ones and that have dirty faces like boogers and other kinds of ugh moments from kids now knowing all these kids should have some training about their hygiene no matter how old they are I get along with the kiddos but I hate thay always bring up momma said or mama did I be like who gives af what mama said or did I talked to him about how I feel about his baby mama I told him I don’t like her and they shouldn’t be talking that long to each other its not that much you can talk about kids the hole time at first I was like I’m not gone say nothing because that is his kids mother but I went thru his phone and he texting like thay still around so I went off and broke up with him because home girl right here (Me) don’t have to put up with that now he was throwing all kinds of how he got the second job and how he gone have her straight with this new money coming in….. And how he wanna be with her again calling her so me being me I told him in a loud Manner lol you can be with her I understand thats your childs mother now he talking about how he not going to do it again this and that whatever men say stuff thay know thay be lie about hehehe so I took him back jest because I said he tryna play me so imma play with him….. Knowing dam well I don’t want his baggage I mean 3 kids that’s not mine boy pls you better take them to the person that held them for 9mon and understand thay butts because I don’t have kids I mean I like that he is a very good daddy to his children I jest don’t wanna be second to no women like she can be like that’s why u got my leftovers or something like that like you right ugh I do and to kids you winning sista yes you are now she got a boyfriend herself thay been dating almost a year now…… But I like he a good daddy it shows how he would treat my kids but I hate he already has kids like dude don’t nobody wanna take care of kids that not there’s hell I can’t deal. ……. Sometimes I sit and wonder do I want to take care of some kids that where born when I was still a child myself. ummmm nah I’m good I’m 20 not 30 I really like the man but I need a man with no kids hello because it will be something special to me and him because its our first hell if I have a baby by this dude with kids its gonna be like oh I know what to do we did this . Or she always did. Or something in that order…. Ok I understand that I knew he had kids off top matter fact when he told me he has kids I acted like I cared but that low key send me the other direction I already told him in loosing interest in him because he asked I answer truthful no lies I was like yes I wanted to tell him its because he has kids but I wasn’t so truthfuly because I know that would make him feel some type of way like are all women gonna think like this….. But instead I told him its jest he work to much now I was watching a Wendy Williams show and she was talking about 20 year old girls with no kids we shouldn’t date a man with kids simply because we have a whole life ahead of us instead of helping talking care of a baby that’s not along even mine…… The world is our canvas we have a whole lot ahead of us she said let the older man go we don’t need him or his baggage leave him do it face to face now she also said he’s older now he’s gonna try to sweet talk you back in to dating him……its so much that I can say about this dating a man with kids thing its not for me because I don’t like the fact that your baby mother is gonna always be around even when I’m dead and gone I don’t like that face my man has somebody to tell him what to do and when he can do it if he’s not gonna be babysitting ummmmm no sorry sir but you missed out on a good woman because you messed up and thought your baby mama was the one ummm no you got kids that’s gone always be daddy daddy daddy everywhere I turn I hear daddy umm sorry sir but I’m not about to play momma and daddy when I don’t have kids I told him maybe he should get a women with kids if you ask me he being selfish you tryna get the girls with no kids in so he don’t gotta put up with other people kids hahaha very funny but dude you can’t go get a girl with no kids and try to make a family you need another women with kids that way y’all both accepting each others past mistakes by having kids boy you can’t be selfish and get a fresh young girl and get her pregnant now you her first baby father and she jest fall in line with the rest…. If you ask me he got her pregnant so he knew she wasn’t going nowhere boy you not gone get me like that…. Then you already saying how you want kids with me boyyyy naw I’m not gone get another victim of your long term life event lol I may be young but I’m not dumb to take care of another women’s kids girl get your own kids because I don’t want them anyways y’all know how ppl be like you got her around my kids I don’t want my kids calling her mama….. Girl I’m 20 you think I’m ready to be a mother yet? girl pls I’m Good But my question is should I stay knowing I do not want my child to be second is it wrong that I’m being to straight forward with him but I do need to say something about his kids …. He loves his kids he always talking about them but I find myself not wanting him to bring them up he hasn’t brought up the ex since I confronted him but ugh 3 kids if I date him and we get married in going to have to be a mother figure but hell it won’t be the same when I have my own thay gone notice that but I can keep going but I’ll stop

  • lollipop February 21st, 2015 at 7:27 AM #35

    yo girl, i can feel your pain….im about to turn 19 and i know how it feels to be young and thinking about life…like am I doind the right choice??…i read your long text and i want to encourage to follow your heart. If you truly love the men who you are with, then dont let the children bother you…and you dont have to be the “mom” even after marriage….be just their friend or “dads bestfriend” …cus i bet that its enough for them to have 1 mom, their own.Still you are now just 20 years old,if i get you right?…you are at your best time…young,beautiful,smart,full of dreams.If you feel that you really can’t live that way..then follow your heart and end it.remember..sometimes in life you have to choose things that may hurt for a while…but in a future they would hurt even more if u wouldnt choose to act the way you act. so think,feel,put all your heart there and believe…you will find the answe what to do.even me…i’ve been thinking many things about my relationship (started when i was 18 and he was 23—last year lol)… we have different religions and many other things that try to tear us apart…but we keep on trying to make this work. many people ask me, why i dont find myself a guy from my school ..about same age and religion…but all I can answer is …I dont want to cuz i love him. I pray for you chocolate to be happy in your life and what ever you will choose to do it will be the right and the best choice for you :). PS..im sorry if my english is incorrect..cus im from finland and have too many european languages on my mind and english is not verry easy for me sometimes…

  • stephanie February 26th, 2015 at 4:55 PM #36

    i have been with my boyfriend for 1 year and he has three kids with his ex wife (they married young) i am 24 years old and he is 25. for the first part of our relationship i moved to georgia with him, being that he is in the military. he then got orders to CT which is a lot closer to home and his 3 kids. the mother of the kids is very incompetent. long story short, she never registered their 5 year old son into school because of many unreasonable excuses. so one we moved into our new place in CT i made all the calls and made sure to register his son into school. so now his son lives with us. i didnt think its all through, all that was on my mind is ” this child can’t miss out on an education all because of his mother” now that the chid is loving with me and i havent found a job as of yet im stuck looking after him while my boyfriend works. i cook for them and clean and take him to school. the constant reminder that im not apart of “their family” hurts. his son is very attached to my boyfriend. we literally don’t have any alone time. he sleeps in our room. he crys for everythng, if his dad kisses me he jumps on him and doesnt leave his lap. my boyfriend doesnt have any time for us anymore. and i understand thats his son. but shouldnt he attempt to give me some attention? we dont go out on dates we dont sleep alone we dont cuddle, we cant even have sex without getting interrupted. this is one of the hardest things ive ever had to deal with? any suggestions or advice PLEASEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! S.O.S

  • queen February 27th, 2015 at 4:28 PM #37

    Please learn to write in correct english Before you turn 21.

  • Meg March 3rd, 2015 at 3:18 AM #38

    Run away as quick as possible. Don’t waste time and jump over the ocean for someone who doesn’t bother jump over the poodle for you. Not worth it.

  • adrian March 6th, 2015 at 12:54 PM #39

    My situation is different.I’m dating a girl with 4 kids 1st and 2nd child from one father the 3rd from a different father and the 4th from me ..me and her have a pretty good relationship but sometimes argue ..I pay the rent clean and cook most of the time cause she works longer hours than me ..and wen it comes to the kids .I feel like I can’t say anything to them cause they get all sentimental and angry at me..and don’t get me wrong I never even raised my voice at them..and their mother as well gets upset wen I complain about the kids ..wen I tell her to tell them to pick up their stuff or put them to bed earlier because she lets them stay up till 12:00 am on school nights..what should I do ..pleassss hellpppp!!

  • Jennifer March 8th, 2015 at 11:20 AM #40

    Please keep me posted on your story. I am in a similar situation and feel completely lost as to what to do.

  • Melissa March 11th, 2015 at 6:04 AM #41

    I am having a difficult time too. I have been living with my partner for almost 3 yrs now, he has a 5 yr old. I get along great with the child, she enjoys my company and trusts me. The ex was very difficult to deal with the first yr because she refused to accept me too socialize with the kid and therefore started limiting the time my boyfriend could share with his daughter. Long story short: they went through court counseling and he won the right to see his daughter more often. Following that, I was very helping with helping with his parenting by being available to help with anything from playing to feeding to practically being available whenever he could not take care of her: wheter because he had to work to him going to the gym. At first, I had no problem with it…but….3 yrs in it and I have the following BiG issue: my partner thinks his kid is my reposnability just as it is his. I completely disagree. I not only don’t have any parental rights, I also beleive I help him with raising the child because I want to, not because I have to, therefore he should be a bit more thankful and not see it as something I cannot refuse. We lately had a huge fight about it, he said he needed someone who saw it his way. I said I could not see his way: I refuse to. I want him to understand I am doing him a favor out of love and therefore, he should coordinate with me anytime he needs me to take care of the kid, instead of assuming whenerver he needs to he can just throw it on me without previously asking wheter I can do it or not. Sometimes I think he just thinks that sinve I am a woman, I should just be a mother eventhough the kid already has one. I don’t know what to do. It is clearly and impasse, and am very frustrated by it…

  • adrian March 11th, 2015 at 9:12 PM #42

    You need to leave his a** right away ..find some one that will see your opinions about his daughter as a negative help rather than an insult..

  • z March 13th, 2015 at 6:20 AM #43

    Hey I noticed you wrote this blog a couple years ago. I would never ever do this and comment in a blog or ask opinions online or do yelp reviews or nothing like that at all. Until now of course, after reading your blog “my boyfriend has three children and I don’t should I stay?”

    I’m 24 he is 25 with 3 yougins and he lost his roommate so now he is going to live with me (not by my choice).

    All I really want to know is if it worked out for you? Please help me get through this. I! Not ready to be a step parentm but I love him so much

  • Amber March 14th, 2015 at 12:33 AM #44

    Z, Leave him. Don’t look back. You will find love again. Really, raising someone else’s kids is hard and he won’t have the financial ability to support you if you get sick or to contribute to any kids you have with him. Find someone else. It will be hard and it will suck, but if you don’t you will resent him and ruin the relationship. You will hate him in about a year. I’ve been there and done that.

  • VeH March 14th, 2015 at 9:27 PM #45

    I’m kind of in the same situation too.
    I’m 21 my husband 30
    I’m from Germany and got to know my husband one year ago..he left his two boys and pregnant ex wife for me. It was a huge risk for him he didn’t even know if I was really coming to the states. We just knew each other for 3 weeks in Germany..he was deploying there.
    In November 2014 I finally came to the states and we got married spontaneously..his wife and children moved back to South Carolina..we live in Florida.
    We thought we could be happy together and I really love him..otherwise I wouldn’t have come to the states and leave my family and friends behind.
    But now it seems like he really misses his kids and it’s hard for me to support him because I hate that he is talking to his ex wife every day. I understand it’s about the kids but it botheres me. He’ll always have to pay child support and Be dependent on her just baca use she has the kids- so she has the power.
    We are
    Currently driving to South Carolina every month. Which is really stressful for me..9 hour drive there and 9 hour drive back..for only a weekend.
    When we are there we are staying at his parents house with the kids and his mom always wants him to sleep with the kids( they are 4 and 6) so they can sleep alone very well. I hate that. I always feel so alone there. I wish I could support him but it’s hard for me to drive there with him and then not have his attention at all. His mom telling him what to do just because it’s her house. I love his boys but I don’t know if I can do it. It’s too much and I am only 21. I’m ready to settle down and have kids but we are never gonna have enough money and I’m never gonna have his full attention.
    I just don’t know what to do. I gave up my life in Germany for this..he gave up his marriage ( even though he was really unhappy with it, he was just with his ex for the kids..they were living together more like roommates). But now it seems like we can’t be happy anymore. I can’t give him enough because I’m jealous and he can’t give me enough because he has a responsibility towards his children.
    I thought I could do this but I am starting to doubt it. I love him so much though. It’s so hard to think about not being with him. Everything seemed to be perfect between us. Just his past is in the way
    It hurts me too that he has a little baby son…I’m so jealous every time she sends him pictures and he feels bad for not being there for his sons.
    I can’t really talk about this with anybody because I feel like nobody understands..

  • Veronica B. March 16th, 2015 at 10:33 AM #46

    I have with a man who has promised to leave his wife 7 years ago but still hsn’t something always comes up…what should I do…………….

  • robert March 18th, 2015 at 11:28 AM #47

    Why would you even be with a man that has a wife?? What does that say about you? You can’t force him to leave his wife. That makes you a home wreker..and if he loves you he would of left her before being with you! And stayed with just you …you need to find a single man that is going to love just you…some one like me 😉 if you know what I mean ..lol

  • confused:( March 23rd, 2015 at 8:36 PM #48

    I’m young an dating an older guy that has 2 kids and just got out of a 13 year relationship. We been together a year now & I love him so I try really hard making things work. But his ex talks alot of stuff about me and even him. The kids seem to like me sometimes but than his oldest tells the younger one “remember what mom said or I’m telling mom”. & my boyfriend doesn’t seem to care that any of that is going on. Also when the kids come over my stuff be comes missing or cut up? I recently lost my nina and we were really close and my stuff I have left of her was ruined
    And my boyfriend thinks it’s a ghost I’m so confused I don’t know what to do??
    I need advice

  • Britt March 26th, 2015 at 10:38 AM #49

    I have a similar situation. I have been with my current boyfriend for a year now and i love him very much. He has 2 children. Our first couple of months together he never spent time with them. Now all of a sudden he sees that he wants us to have a long future so he gets them all the time now. He wants me to be a part of there life. I have no children and am no where near ready to be a step mom. Im struggling on what the right thing to do is, because i love him. We never fight and i always get alot of his time. Its just i dont want to be a part of his kids life. So im not sure what to do. Pleaseeee help!

  • sisters April 3rd, 2015 at 7:33 PM #50

    You will grow white hair before your time. Leave that man.

  • janey April 16th, 2015 at 4:31 PM #51

    I have a very similar case.my bf & i were dating for over a year now. I found on out the he has a daughter. the daughther is with the mom in other country and i guess he havent seen them for sometime (i checked the passport no entry stamp to that country). And he never told me about it. And i dont think he has plans to say it. Its really disturbing. I am very disappointed.i dont know if i should trust him.

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