My Boyfriend Has Kids, I Don’t. Should I Stay?
My boyfriend already has three children. I have none. Should I continue dating him? I'm 26 years old. I can't seem to accept the fact he's already experienced having a family. I truly care for him, but I'm struggling. - Torn Dear Torn,
Thank you for writing in with such a rich and complex question. Unfortunately, I can’t give you a simple yes-or-no answer. As is often true with relationships, it is a bit more complicated than that. I can, however, suggest some areas for you to explore as you consider your next steps.
First, I would encourage you to explore why you are having such difficulty accepting the fact your boyfriend already has children. This would give many people pause. Relationships can be quite complicated when only two people are involved—each person brings his or her own unique goals, dreams, and expectations, as well as wounds from previous relationships. Negotiating all of this can be challenging. Add three children and their mother to the mix and things can get very complicated, very quickly. But the question for you is, how are you experiencing this? How do you feel about his children? Do you get along well with them or is there a lot of tension between you? Are you concerned about whether your boyfriend will want to have children with you, given he already has three of his own? If he does want to have children with you, are you worried that it won’t mean as much to him as it does to you, as a first-time parent? Are you interested in being a mother at all? Did you envision motherhood coming later in your life? What will your role with his three children be and what are your thoughts and feelings on that role? Sit with these questions, allow others to arise, and be brutally honest with yourself in answering them. It might be a good idea to partner with a therapist who can facilitate a thorough exploration of these issues and support you in the process.
Once you have gained greater clarity on your thoughts, feelings, and concerns about the fact your boyfriend is already a father, it seems that the next step is to talk to him. Share with him what arose for you in your exploration of this very serious issue. If you do choose to stay in this relationship, it will be essential to be able to have difficult conversations with him about his children and how you feel about them, and about how they impact your relationship. If you don’t choose to stay in the relationship, you will likely need to have another kind of difficult conversation about why you are leaving the relationship. A therapist could be very valuable in helping you prepare for these conversations and in processing the outcomes.
Thank you again for writing in with a question that surely resonates with many. I wish you courage in the process of sorting this out and peace with whatever choice you make.
lilyDecember 15th, 2012 at 11:44 AM
when did he tell you about the children? was he upfront about it from the very beginning? or are the facts being revealed to you gradually? if it is the latter I would say run, without a doubt!
but if he was honest with you from the beginning I think you need to think about what future you see with him. if you see yourself settling down with this man then you need to consider all the things that he will bring along into the marriage – the custody of the kids, his connection with his ex wife, your connection with his children,your plans of having children, and many others. tbh there’s no one but you who can answer this for sure. there is a lot of introspection to do and I would say its better to start ASAP.
EllaDecember 16th, 2012 at 8:27 AM
There isn’t much wrong in him having kids already,as long as you are kept in the loop.I think you can definitely make things work,but proceed only if you are sure you are okay with it.No reason to continue now only to be heartbroken later due to the decision,is it?!
LauraDecember 16th, 2012 at 10:01 AM
It’s not like he hid this from you, right? So you have known all along that he already has a family. I think that maybe this is something that you will have to work out on your own. You are the one who seemingly has issues with this. So you are the one who has to make that right choice for you.
lilianaDecember 17th, 2012 at 6:17 AM
Run. Find a man that has no children & start your own journey together. You’re always going to feel like the outsider in this relationship. I say run!
AnonymousDecember 25th, 2012 at 4:13 AM
You people who are acting as a man is a criminal for having children are no better than those people who crap on single mothers. You’re completely horrible individuals with no compassion, no conscience, and no decency. So what if he has kids. You don’t know the circumstances, yet you’re already judging him to be a devious bastard. It’s people like you who contribute to the high divorce rate.
You’re arrogant in the extreme and unfairly judgmental of people you’ve never even met and too quick to condemn a man on the basis that he’s got different plumbing than you. For if you weren’t you’d say the same crap about single mothers and you know what?…I seldom see women ripping apart the reputations of single mothers. …but single fathers. Yep. You’ll definitely do that.
I truly hope you people choke on all that bile you’re spewing.
AnonymousDecember 25th, 2012 at 4:18 AM
Also…with how judgmental you vile harpies are, it’s no surprise that someone wouldn’t want to come out and automatically state they’re a single parent, especially if they don’t have custody.
“Oh hai. Can we have coffee. I’m a single parent.” <—This would NOT be proper at all, yet here you are expecting people to just spew forth all the skeletons in their closet from their past to some girl they just met who hasn't EARNED the right to know all of a person's secrets.
Seriously. Where the Hell is respect for privacy? I don't see you evil crones going out there and telling people YOUR unfortunate experiences all in one giant blast. You people make me sick.
mikeDecember 27th, 2012 at 12:17 AM
Just as an added comment given with first hand experience. I am a single father with three young children. Through court I was awarded full custody and enjoy it immensely. In trying to develop a new relationship there seems to be need to be somewhat timid in referencing both children and more so the number of children. I have been told by some woman that three kids its a problem in relationship development. This is where it becomes difficult when a father has multiple kids – there seems in my experience there is quite different treatment between single mothers and single fathers and this increased with the number of children involved.
I know from a years worth of this that its incredibly difficult to find someone who has much interest in being with a single father of multiple children.
AngieFebruary 5th, 2013 at 8:30 AM
I am currently dating someone who has 3 kids and full custody (not legally- just a POS for a mom). She basically only has anything to do with the kids unless it benefits her. I live with them and pay half the bills in the house. The biggest issue we have is when disciplining the kids. He still (after 3 years of living together) feels that it is up to him. My opinion is that since we are both adults in a commited long term relationship it should be a joint decision. Their ages are 16, 14 and 12, so the kinds of punishments are taking away computer useage, cell phones and no extra activities. Maybe since we are not married, I shouldn’t expect to have a say….I just don’t know. Initially when we discussed living together, it was decided that we would split things down the middle. I just don’t feel that it’s right to expect half for everything, but if I am home alone with the kids I can’t ask them to help with chores- or if they are fighting tell them to stop. Any advice?
TamaraJuly 14th, 2013 at 12:13 PM
Man oh man… Angie I am with you on that, I have a boyfriend I have been living with for three years and he has two kids two little girls and he lets them get away with everything. He threatens punishment but he never follows through. My biggest complaint in our relationship amongst everything is that when we are in an argument he makes me angry then he comforts his kids as a safety net and I have no one to comfort me its unfair and unjust.
casJune 15th, 2014 at 8:32 AM
While it’s easy to point the finger and say that the childless have the issues, you never quite know until you walk a mile in our shoes. In my case its not a matter of him having a child or children but its a huge culture shock going from single and free to ‘stepmom’ of X number of kids. Its a double edged sword…you’re not allowed to discipline or correct the child when misbehaving yet youre frowned at when you dont want to be around them. No one should have to sacrifice their sanity for an unbalanced relationship. If theres a difference in parenting theres going to be Prob-Lems. My guy doesnt want more kids I was unsure. …I am very sure now that I dont want children. How does a relationship work when he emphasizes that I have to be ok with not having/wanting kids of my own yet he has them?? #Imbalance.
pleasingallJune 22nd, 2014 at 12:31 AM
Okay so I have been dating this guy for 2 years he recently received custody of his 4 kids (8,7,5,2 yrs old) and an additional kid(1yrs old) that is not his but he is taking because she is the sister to his kids I love and respect this man for stepping up as a father..When I met him he didn’t tell me about his kids until one day b4 he took me in a family bbq he has been living with his mother two brothers a sister her babydaddy and her son in a 3 bedroom apartment. We have spent almost all our time together at my place I have no kids currently working on a m.b.a…I enjoy his kids and they have been in dcfs for about 6 months..his mother is giving him her apartment because she is moving in with a husband. .he will be renting the same 3 bedroom but not in his name in his mother’s name so that he can get the kids out the system.i cant stress enough how much I love him he is asking that I move in with him and help out we have been wanting a place together but up until now I never knew it would include 5 small children. .Im 25 and for real im scared that because he doesn’t have his high school diploma i met him while he is seeking GEDand he quit school to work.. he is now working in a factory making about 190 every week full time i think that this process will fall back on me financially, and emotionally. Im unsure about moving forward in our relationship or even moving in. Since you have small children I was wondering what your thoughts are because I see all my dreams and goals going out the window whether I leave or stay??????
lizJune 29th, 2014 at 10:24 AM
I can totally relate. I’m in my mid forties and I don’t have children. I’ve never felt the need to as some women. I’m in a relationship with a man who has three kids… under the age of 10. There is no discipline, they don’t have to do chores, the house is left a mess on the weekends they are here and they are allowed to use bad language etc with no consequences. I asked the eldest to help me put away groceries and he burst into tears and threw a tantrum. I talked to my partner about all of my concerns and somehow because I’m not the birth mom I’ve ended up the bad guy trying to run a boot camp by just wanting them to learn a bit of structure. Now on the weekends I dont even want to be around them… I have no say even though I live with my partner and I think his kids are brats and its sad because it will only hurt the kids future for not learning rules and structure. I love my partner… but the kids are driving a huge wedge now and causes fights because I have no say on any of it and Im the bad guy. I’m so frusterated
confusedJuly 22nd, 2014 at 2:46 PM
am in a similar situation too. my boyfriend had a one night stand and he found out the girl was pregnant 2 months into our relationship. then i told him i would stay because he is my bestfriend and i cant imagine life without him. now 9 months into the relationship am feeling the strain, i cant seem to cope, it hurts everytime i think of it, it makes me angry like why wouldnt he just use protection. he loves the kid but i know he loves me too, we sometimes even talk of future plans together. i know i wanna be with him forever and i know he wants that too but i dont think i will ever be ok with him having a kid with another woman. the fact that the baby looks too damn like him doesnt help at all, and when i asked him to tell the girl he is in a relationship now, he refused and said he didnt want to hurt her even if he claims they dont talk. what do i do? am torn between sucking it up and staying… and letting go. i would like to pretend he didnt make that mistake (thats what he calls it) so much that i have told him to unfriend all my friends on facebook because i dont want them to know he has a kid. am i selfish or immature? please help me. am 23 and he is 27 by the way
anonymousAugust 11th, 2014 at 7:02 AM
My boyfriend has 3 children from different mothers.and I dont have a problem with that and I have accepted that he has problems..
What bothers me is that he never talks abt them or seeing them,and im not even sho if he is supporting them financially.or he is doing things behind my back.so this thing hurt me..what must I do?
Couse I want his to see his children and give then love not to panish them becouse of what happened between him and their mothers..and if he sees them I also want him to tell me..to be open about this things
LeaAugust 25th, 2014 at 1:44 PM
I agree: run! You will never have peace, be a priority or have the loving, happy relationship we all deserve.
AngelleeSeptember 14th, 2014 at 1:04 PM
HI,I’m currently in a relationship with someone who has 6 kids by 3 different women. I didn’t find out until 1 year into the relationship and by then I was too emotionally involved to turn away. I found out through someone else that he cheated on me with and I was devastated, and after 6 years we are still together. I have 3 children 1 who is by him and the other 2 he came into their lives when they was just 1 and 2. I’m am trying to merge our families together but its so difficult due to him not having enough money to take care of his kids and take care of our house hold where he lives. I do my part in taking care of my kids and don’t ask him for much of anything when it comes to my kids. 3 of his children lives with his mom and dad and they always say he don’t care about is kids and only cares about mine and this makes it difficult to bond with them. I don’t have much just enough to keep my kids decent and I don’t ask him to buy my kids anything. I have so much invested in this relationship and I can understand how your past catches up with you but I don’t want his kids to hate him and me and think I am the one keeping him away from his kids. I so torn and this relationship is a mess! I’m just figuring out how to be the best mother I can be to my 3 and now I have to figure out how can we make his mess a better situation
unknowSeptember 24th, 2014 at 6:14 PM
By boyfriend tried hard to stay with me, however I know it is because his daughter prefers stay with her mother and he needs me. As soon she contacts him to stay together, he is much happier. I can do everyting I can to make him happy, but is nothing like when he is with her. I am not jealous, just tired of this.. I want to leave him, but I feel bad because is will be lonely, but I think is time to find a man who wants to be happy with me and feels that I am the his real hapiness, as well, he doesn’t need his daughter to get completely happy.
September 25th, 2014 at
I been dating this guy who has 3kids but 2 different babymommas, I meet him by his second babymomma she had invite me to her baby shower & 1st birthday but I didn’t know that I would have my eyes on him,Time pass by he send me a message by fb so I starting yo message him so I had ask him how is your babymomma he had said oh she there we broke up. So I we decided to talk more with exchange number, So she had found out everything she made big show & stuff … So idk what should I do..??
janeOctober 18th, 2014 at 12:15 AM
No one cares. None of my friends. My boyfriend has a child he doesn’t know. Im 23 he’s 25. It would be ok If he knew her. But its just some girl in another town with his kid and he doesn’t give two f***s or do anything about it. He gives this child no support. He seems like he wants pity from me. It disguist me. I love him, but I dont think this seems right. Suggestions?
wanttobehappyOctober 22nd, 2014 at 4:22 PM
I totally agree with the comment:
September 24th, 2014 at 6:14 PM
I just feel I am a step, it is because he has not choice, he daughter wants to be with her mother. He never has money to take to a restaurant, just cook for me sometimes. He wants to live next to her, so no way he will ever be part really of my life.
Today, he said he taking his daughter to a restaurante, amazing, with me no money, he has to cook at home, but with his daughther he can take her to a restaurant. I AM OUT. SICK OF THIS. I am not jealous, I just love myself enought, now.
MelissaOctober 31st, 2014 at 10:32 AM
My boy and I have been dating for 4 months now and one of his exes sent him child support papers and she thinks it’s his baby. Well a couple of day ago he got results back from the DNA test and it said that he is the dad..
What should I do?
samNovember 16th, 2014 at 6:24 AM
Omg well the boy I am speaking to at the moment has one daughter but I feel as if I will never be completely happy because of course she comes first and that’s very understandable. People who already have kids and they are not together with the child’s parent deserves someone to be with as well, no matter if kids are involved. That wouldn’t be fair but I still feel like its a disaster waiting to happen. My advice is if you can handle that situation then work it out, if it bothers you then just leave that person alone if you cannot fully invest yourself. Its all in preference
ChizDecember 20th, 2014 at 7:18 AM
I would say you should go to find another opportunity. It is rewarding if you can handle but it requires so much effort and time… You have no kid. And you are young. I would say you should explore more opportunities and take time and finalize your thought…you might now know what exactly you want. Take your time
CrossroadsJanuary 14th, 2015 at 9:20 AM
My case is a little different, I just married my guy of 4 years I love him relentlessly but he has 4 children . The oldest he was very dumb and very you g , the other 3 are from a prior marriage . The youngest will be 9 soon and the oldest is 16 the other 2 are teens so not too many years left and even though we only get get them every other weekend u am starting to resent the hell out if them and him . I gave zero baggage , the kids are nice to me but not raised well at all they fight and trash my house and I feel like a maid I look forward to them going home… I know I sound horrible I am not mean to them and they love me I buy them gifts and nice things and even got a larger house so they had their own nice rooms . My husband wants a child with me but I’m scared first off being mom number 3 feels kind of scummy … Secondly he’s paying for 4 and while it’s not a lot and they are in their teens it is still things I wouldn’t have to deal with .. He has agreed we can move away in a couple of years as he wants a child he can raise from start to finish . I said his youngest son is more than welcome to come with us. The others will be 15, 16 and 18 so they can travel and visit during holidays and other times ( they never really bother with him now ) … I’m 36 if I am going to have a child I need t get in with it but to be mom number 3 gives me a crappy feeling … I don’t want to hear in being sfish blah blah as all of you on here with no kids could understand this is hard.. Anyone else feel the same?
LadyJanuary 16th, 2015 at 9:49 PM
I am in my second relationship with a guy who has a biracial daughter. I have been doing my best to be helpful but as soon as I mention something in reference for instance washing her hands he gets very angry at me. He cancelled going out to dinner and he alienates me from he and his child. I then feel very sad and disappointed from this. I have an adult that I raised as a single parent and as a result she has no children and a college degree. I feel as though at times whatever I do it will never be right. He is not working and I feel like I am being unfairly.
queenJanuary 22nd, 2015 at 8:39 PM
ghJanuary 26th, 2015 at 4:34 PM
RUN!! I was in a relationship with a man with two kids. He was the most insecure person ever. After I had a chat with him bout my feelings towards his kids…the next thing he does is go online to find other girls. I only found out he cheated on my after 4 months he was in a relationship with the other woman. But anyways, it was a blessing in disguise.
I left him and came back to Australia.Found another man without kids, best feeling ever…coz you know you’ll finally have your own family.
KrisFebruary 1st, 2015 at 9:57 PM
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3.5 years now. He is a veteran and has 2 kids, boy 13, girl 7 i dont have children which forces me to be a stepmother. His ex-wife has full custody so my BF makes child support payments monthly. By court order, we get the kids every other weekend. However the ex often needs someone to watch the children while she works, parties, travels etc. Which leaves the children in our care almost full time. The shame of it is she tends to exclude the children from her travels and fun, for example she visited New York recently and her son wishes to visit since he’s never been and would enjoy a trip there very much. Her excuse, the son doesn’t deserve it. To cut this story short, the ex could be a more loving and attentive mother. In other words she’s in it for the money. Due to her lack of attentiveness toward her children this leaves me as the next best thing. I often have trouble dicipling the children since my BF was always away on tours from the military, the children have developed bad habits and poor manners from their mother. The children are starving for attention from ANYONE so they constantly fight, trash the house and perform badly in school. I find myself counting the hours until they are returned to their mother If possible. I honestly dislike their presence. My BF realizes they do need some disciplining so he tries to help, however his efforts come short. My question, am I wrong for wishing my BF didn’t have children, I become stressed when they are with us, and try to limit my time with them by scheduling more hours at work. I have too much invested in this relationship and I feel the children will rip us apart. Am I a horrible person for wanting just him? Any advice?
melissaFebruary 3rd, 2015 at 7:44 AM
I’m 24 years old I have a man 30 years old that has two kids with someone else I have accepted that and accepted all the baggage that comes with it, he has the kids half the time it the deal they made in court and he also pays his support to her which also is agreed on in court and his ex isn’t really a nice person she’s just wants all his money and always tries to control him or tell him things and complain about the stupidest things like for example I took the kids to get there hair trimmed and she complained about it says that it’s her thing and blah blah I’m not their mother and next time he needs to tell her when I want to do things with them. But she has a kId with another man and she is with him now. My man and her haven’t been together for five years.so sometime I feel it hard to deal with her because she’s so petty about everything and I feel he shouldn’t have to deal with her petty things.another is that I find it hard to deal with is the amount of support he gives her I feel it’s way to much for the amount of time he has the kids he’s pays 800 a month she told the court that she’s on welfare and not working she’s a single mom of three kids but isn’t a single mom at all the man she is with lives with her and she also works under the table (I think) so I get annoyed that he get screwed over by her.we live together and we are now engaged I love the kids with all my heart and soul I treat them like they are my very own but I can’t help but feel that I am second best in his eyes I know this sounds bad and his kids come first like they should but I also feel like I should be coming first to seeing as I’m going to be his wife. I feel left out sometimes when there are playing and I’m stuck cleaning up the house and they don’t ask if I want to play or when I try to be a good role model I feel he just shoots it down hes says stuff like I’m there dad and there my kids I don’t no if it’s because maybe I try to hard to be a good second mother or what. Sometimes I feel i get to involved with them that I need to spend down and let him do it but I enjoy making there lunchs everyday I enjoy helping them with homework and I enjoy being a mother but I feel like maybe I try to hard. When I get involved with stuff with the ex and kids and I voice my opinion on in he’s gets upset and tell me it’s not my business but it is my business if we are getting married and it’s effecting us like the child support he has troubles every month because of the amount he pays and I tell him to try to do something about it and he says he can’t and it’s an argument and I get upset I fine I don’t care I won’t try anymore.then he calls me out on it and next time something happens and I stay anything he says oh I thought you didn’t care anymore or not going to get involved and it’d another argument . I spoil them beyond belief and my family loves them like they were my own kids but I feel like they don’t look at my family as their family they don’t call my family grandma grandpa or my siblings aunt and uncle and it kind of makes me feel like I’m not part of their family or they don’t look at me as their family and it hurts me and he doesn’t really seem to care to encourage them to call them that I have so many things that are bottling inside and I don’t no who to talk to if I talk to him he gets all defensive and tells me that I need to deal with it and get used to it because those are his kids and blah blah blah and I just really want to know an answer or if maybe I’m in the wrong for feeling the way that. He wants more kids with me and we have been trying for 5 months now and still no luck. will things change when I have my own kids? Will he even love my kid the way he loves his other? He always says how the kids are is whole world which also makes me feel sad because I feel like chopped liver shouldn’t I be his whole world too? the kids will grow up and not want to hang out with him one day so why does his whole life have to be about or work around there schedule why can’t he live his own life as well as be a great dad like he is and maybe I’m a bad person for saying that but I just feel like he evolved himself all around them and doesn’t do anything that he wants because of the kids I worry if he will he even be as excited as me when we have a baby together he has too girls right now and I know how he wants a boy so bad but what if I have I girl im scared if I give him something he already has it will not be an exciting time for him as it will me someone please help I feel quite lost
zzconfusedFebruary 6th, 2015 at 9:48 PM
My bf and i have been together for 6months i love him he loves me there is just one problem his baby mama ive never met his daughter dont plan on meeting her at least not yet today he told me he had to be there for her cause she has unstable emotions that i can understand but when we first got together i wasnt told these things just that him and bm barely spoke so now you tell me you have to be there for her to now and it bugs me need a resolution my heart couldnt bare finding that he is pretending with her like their one big happy family excluding me of this info
KFebruary 10th, 2015 at 5:48 PM
Well I let a man move into myplace with 3 kids every other week , and 3 weeks over the holidays and he wauld rely on me paying for everything. And domand giving separate gift cards with my name on one… .
I got no appreciation for the mills I cooked and paid for and he only paid 100 a week . Was hard getting that from him.
He domand me to be with his kids at all times otherwise . I poot my business on total hold for him.
I become so sick with kidney thing and needed to rest . So he done the right and loving thing and rubbed me for few days off and on. .. I was sooo thankful but only to find later he blamed me for his bad wrist and for rubbing me…. . I done all I can for that man and to give him a roof over his head and food on the table , untill one day I realised I was running out of money to keep bying food for him and his kids started out as 1 .. so I stoped cooking and hoped he wauld atleast by himself the meet he wants to eat with the vegies… .
3 months of my life waisted. And I am still blaming myself because I didnt want him to reck my brick pavers by parking his 4 will drive truck into my back yard… .
And for asking him to stay at his mums or friends 2 to 3 nights a week.
And I still feel bad for being soo sick that he felt
So much I have left out.
Thr one thing he did for me is poot my cupboards up in the salon after I poot them together.. I am soo thankful that he done that for me but wish he wauld appreciate me in return. .. … . :-(
Sorry for any typos I am upset and typing this on the phone. . Sorry
K-leeFebruary 10th, 2015 at 6:00 PM
Well I let a man move into myplace with 3 kids every other week , and 3 weeks over the holidays and he wauld rely on me paying for everything. And domand giving separate gift cards with my name on one… .I got no appreciation for the mills I cooked and paid for and he only paid 100 a week . Was hard getting that from him.
He domand me to be with his kids at all times otherwise . I poot my business on total hold for him.I become so sick with kidney thing and needed to rest . So he done the right and loving thing and rubbed me for few days off and on. .. I was sooo thankful but only to find later he blamed me for his bad wrist and for rubbing me…. . I done all I can for that man and to give him a roof over his head and food on the table , untill one day I realised I was running out of money to keep bying food for him and his kids started out as 1 .. so I stoped cooking and hoped he wauld atleast by himself the meet he wants to eat with the vegies… .3 months of my life waisted. And I am still blaming myself because I didnt want him to reck my brick pavers by parking his 4 will drive truck into my back yard… .And for asking him to stay at his mums or friends 2 to 3 nights a week.And I still feel bad for being soo sick that he feltSo much I have left out.
The one thing he did for me is poot my cupboards up in the salon after I poot them together..
I am soo thankful that he done that for me but wish he wauld appreciate me in return. ..
… . :-(Sorry for any typos I am upset and typing this on the phone. . Sorry
lollipopFebruary 11th, 2015 at 5:29 AM
i’m 19 and my boyfriend is 25. we have been dateing now for 5 months…he never told me that he has a kid.One day my best friend saw him with a little girl outside of a mall and told me about that. On next day i was angry at him and asked why he didn’t tell me about the kid,but he said that he was too scared that i would runaway from him…through all this i still love him and he loves me…and i love his child as she would be ours. Life is so short so plz people don’t judge others because they have kids or no…judge them by who they are. Spread love and that’s the most important thing :)
February 17th, 2015 at
Hay I’m 20 about to be 21 in may of 2015 I have been dating my 31 year old boyfriend he has 3 kids (10.8.and 5) now I like the kids that sweet sometimes but very aggregating everytime I see them…. Now I been thinking I’m a young sexy fresh women that’s about to be 21 I was thinking I got alot ahead in life do I really want to help take care of his Baggage I mean 3 kids is alot and then there older so that have a great understanding with there parents I really feel as if when I have kids in not gonna be first ugh every girl wants to be first frfr I mean all the things I looked up was young women don’t really wanna date a dude with kids….. Kids are bad nah really I was a kid once so I remember the feeling when you a kid and your up in age you remember alot more then you would while your an adult……. Ok but back to the story I really been thinking about dumping this man simply because of that……he has kids like I really can’t cope with that knowing if I have kids its gonna be my first and its gonna be his 4th child I really Hate the sound of that its not gonna be a special to him as it is with me… He shared that moment with his ugly ass ex girlfriend that was together 11 years that’s along time he had his 1st when he was 20 so I’m 10 years older then his eldest child now its a catch tho me and him been dating for almost 2 Mon now he already bringing up he want more kids before he 40 ok I lied and said well I don’t want kids knowing I do I jest hate that he has kids by this other woman ugh it drives me crazy I haven’t meet the girl yet face to face but I seen her like when he has the kids she goes to his house to get them ready for school because he gotta work child support eating him alive……. Now knowing me I don’t like the sound her still getting bread from my dude but I understand that its suppose to be for the kiddos…… Yea whateva the kids don’t get what that really need when I see them that look a mess hair everywhere clothes that need new ones and that have dirty faces like boogers and other kinds of ugh moments from kids now knowing all these kids should have some training about their hygiene no matter how old they are I get along with the kiddos but I hate thay always bring up momma said or mama did I be like who gives af what mama said or did I talked to him about how I feel about his baby mama I told him I don’t like her and they shouldn’t be talking that long to each other its not that much you can talk about kids the hole time at first I was like I’m not gone say nothing because that is his kids mother but I went thru his phone and he texting like thay still around so I went off and broke up with him because home girl right here (Me) don’t have to put up with that now he was throwing all kinds of how he got the second job and how he gone have her straight with this new money coming in….. And how he wanna be with her again calling her so me being me I told him in a loud Manner lol you can be with her I understand thats your childs mother now he talking about how he not going to do it again this and that whatever men say stuff thay know thay be lie about hehehe so I took him back jest because I said he tryna play me so imma play with him….. Knowing dam well I don’t want his baggage I mean 3 kids that’s not mine boy pls you better take them to the person that held them for 9mon and understand thay butts because I don’t have kids I mean I like that he is a very good daddy to his children I jest don’t wanna be second to no women like she can be like that’s why u got my leftovers or something like that like you right ugh I do and to kids you winning sista yes you are now she got a boyfriend herself thay been dating almost a year now…… But I like he a good daddy it shows how he would treat my kids but I hate he already has kids like dude don’t nobody wanna take care of kids that not there’s hell I can’t deal. ……. Sometimes I sit and wonder do I want to take care of some kids that where born when I was still a child myself. ummmm nah I’m good I’m 20 not 30 I really like the man but I need a man with no kids hello because it will be something special to me and him because its our first hell if I have a baby by this dude with kids its gonna be like oh I know what to do we did this . Or she always did. Or something in that order…. Ok I understand that I knew he had kids off top matter fact when he told me he has kids I acted like I cared but that low key send me the other direction I already told him in loosing interest in him because he asked I answer truthful no lies I was like yes I wanted to tell him its because he has kids but I wasn’t so truthfuly because I know that would make him feel some type of way like are all women gonna think like this….. But instead I told him its jest he work to much now I was watching a Wendy Williams show and she was talking about 20 year old girls with no kids we shouldn’t date a man with kids simply because we have a whole life ahead of us instead of helping talking care of a baby that’s not along even mine…… The world is our canvas we have a whole lot ahead of us she said let the older man go we don’t need him or his baggage leave him do it face to face now she also said he’s older now he’s gonna try to sweet talk you back in to dating him……its so much that I can say about this dating a man with kids thing its not for me because I don’t like the fact that your baby mother is gonna always be around even when I’m dead and gone I don’t like that face my man has somebody to tell him what to do and when he can do it if he’s not gonna be babysitting ummmmm no sorry sir but you missed out on a good woman because you messed up and thought your baby mama was the one ummm no you got kids that’s gone always be daddy daddy daddy everywhere I turn I hear daddy umm sorry sir but I’m not about to play momma and daddy when I don’t have kids I told him maybe he should get a women with kids if you ask me he being selfish you tryna get the girls with no kids in so he don’t gotta put up with other people kids hahaha very funny but dude you can’t go get a girl with no kids and try to make a family you need another women with kids that way y’all both accepting each others past mistakes by having kids boy you can’t be selfish and get a fresh young girl and get her pregnant now you her first baby father and she jest fall in line with the rest…. If you ask me he got her pregnant so he knew she wasn’t going nowhere boy you not gone get me like that…. Then you already saying how you want kids with me boyyyy naw I’m not gone get another victim of your long term life event lol I may be young but I’m not dumb to take care of another women’s kids girl get your own kids because I don’t want them anyways y’all know how ppl be like you got her around my kids I don’t want my kids calling her mama….. Girl I’m 20 you think I’m ready to be a mother yet? girl pls I’m Good But my question is should I stay knowing I do not want my child to be second is it wrong that I’m being to straight forward with him but I do need to say something about his kids …. He loves his kids he always talking about them but I find myself not wanting him to bring them up he hasn’t brought up the ex since I confronted him but ugh 3 kids if I date him and we get married in going to have to be a mother figure but hell it won’t be the same when I have my own thay gone notice that but I can keep going but I’ll stop
lollipopFebruary 21st, 2015 at 7:27 AM
yo girl, i can feel your pain….im about to turn 19 and i know how it feels to be young and thinking about life…like am I doind the right choice??…i read your long text and i want to encourage to follow your heart. If you truly love the men who you are with, then dont let the children bother you…and you dont have to be the “mom” even after marriage….be just their friend or “dads bestfriend” …cus i bet that its enough for them to have 1 mom, their own.Still you are now just 20 years old,if i get you right?…you are at your best time…young,beautiful,smart,full of dreams.If you feel that you really can’t live that way..then follow your heart and end it.remember..sometimes in life you have to choose things that may hurt for a while…but in a future they would hurt even more if u wouldnt choose to act the way you act. so think,feel,put all your heart there and believe…you will find the answe what to do.even me…i’ve been thinking many things about my relationship (started when i was 18 and he was 23—last year lol)… we have different religions and many other things that try to tear us apart…but we keep on trying to make this work. many people ask me, why i dont find myself a guy from my school ..about same age and religion…but all I can answer is …I dont want to cuz i love him. I pray for you chocolate to be happy in your life and what ever you will choose to do it will be the right and the best choice for you :). PS..im sorry if my english is incorrect..cus im from finland and have too many european languages on my mind and english is not verry easy for me sometimes…
stephanieFebruary 26th, 2015 at 4:55 PM
i have been with my boyfriend for 1 year and he has three kids with his ex wife (they married young) i am 24 years old and he is 25. for the first part of our relationship i moved to georgia with him, being that he is in the military. he then got orders to CT which is a lot closer to home and his 3 kids. the mother of the kids is very incompetent. long story short, she never registered their 5 year old son into school because of many unreasonable excuses. so one we moved into our new place in CT i made all the calls and made sure to register his son into school. so now his son lives with us. i didnt think its all through, all that was on my mind is ” this child can’t miss out on an education all because of his mother” now that the chid is loving with me and i havent found a job as of yet im stuck looking after him while my boyfriend works. i cook for them and clean and take him to school. the constant reminder that im not apart of “their family” hurts. his son is very attached to my boyfriend. we literally don’t have any alone time. he sleeps in our room. he crys for everythng, if his dad kisses me he jumps on him and doesnt leave his lap. my boyfriend doesnt have any time for us anymore. and i understand thats his son. but shouldnt he attempt to give me some attention? we dont go out on dates we dont sleep alone we dont cuddle, we cant even have sex without getting interrupted. this is one of the hardest things ive ever had to deal with? any suggestions or advice PLEASEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! S.O.S
queenFebruary 27th, 2015 at 4:28 PM
Please learn to write in correct english Before you turn 21.
MegMarch 3rd, 2015 at 3:18 AM
Run away as quick as possible. Don’t waste time and jump over the ocean for someone who doesn’t bother jump over the poodle for you. Not worth it.
adrianMarch 6th, 2015 at 12:54 PM
My situation is different.I’m dating a girl with 4 kids 1st and 2nd child from one father the 3rd from a different father and the 4th from me ..me and her have a pretty good relationship but sometimes argue ..I pay the rent clean and cook most of the time cause she works longer hours than me ..and wen it comes to the kids .I feel like I can’t say anything to them cause they get all sentimental and angry at me..and don’t get me wrong I never even raised my voice at them..and their mother as well gets upset wen I complain about the kids ..wen I tell her to tell them to pick up their stuff or put them to bed earlier because she lets them stay up till 12:00 am on school nights..what should I do ..pleassss hellpppp!!
JenniferMarch 8th, 2015 at 11:20 AM
Please keep me posted on your story. I am in a similar situation and feel completely lost as to what to do.
MelissaMarch 11th, 2015 at 6:04 AM
I am having a difficult time too. I have been living with my partner for almost 3 yrs now, he has a 5 yr old. I get along great with the child, she enjoys my company and trusts me. The ex was very difficult to deal with the first yr because she refused to accept me too socialize with the kid and therefore started limiting the time my boyfriend could share with his daughter. Long story short: they went through court counseling and he won the right to see his daughter more often. Following that, I was very helping with helping with his parenting by being available to help with anything from playing to feeding to practically being available whenever he could not take care of her: wheter because he had to work to him going to the gym. At first, I had no problem with it…but….3 yrs in it and I have the following BiG issue: my partner thinks his kid is my reposnability just as it is his. I completely disagree. I not only don’t have any parental rights, I also beleive I help him with raising the child because I want to, not because I have to, therefore he should be a bit more thankful and not see it as something I cannot refuse. We lately had a huge fight about it, he said he needed someone who saw it his way. I said I could not see his way: I refuse to. I want him to understand I am doing him a favor out of love and therefore, he should coordinate with me anytime he needs me to take care of the kid, instead of assuming whenerver he needs to he can just throw it on me without previously asking wheter I can do it or not. Sometimes I think he just thinks that sinve I am a woman, I should just be a mother eventhough the kid already has one. I don’t know what to do. It is clearly and impasse, and am very frustrated by it…
adrianMarch 11th, 2015 at 9:12 PM
You need to leave his a** right away ..find some one that will see your opinions about his daughter as a negative help rather than an insult..
zMarch 13th, 2015 at 6:20 AM
Hey I noticed you wrote this blog a couple years ago. I would never ever do this and comment in a blog or ask opinions online or do yelp reviews or nothing like that at all. Until now of course, after reading your blog “my boyfriend has three children and I don’t should I stay?”
I’m 24 he is 25 with 3 yougins and he lost his roommate so now he is going to live with me (not by my choice).
All I really want to know is if it worked out for you? Please help me get through this. I! Not ready to be a step parentm but I love him so much
AmberMarch 14th, 2015 at 12:33 AM
Z, Leave him. Don’t look back. You will find love again. Really, raising someone else’s kids is hard and he won’t have the financial ability to support you if you get sick or to contribute to any kids you have with him. Find someone else. It will be hard and it will suck, but if you don’t you will resent him and ruin the relationship. You will hate him in about a year. I’ve been there and done that.
VeHMarch 14th, 2015 at 9:27 PM
I’m kind of in the same situation too.
I’m 21 my husband 30
I’m from Germany and got to know my husband one year ago..he left his two boys and pregnant ex wife for me. It was a huge risk for him he didn’t even know if I was really coming to the states. We just knew each other for 3 weeks in Germany..he was deploying there.
In November 2014 I finally came to the states and we got married spontaneously..his wife and children moved back to South Carolina..we live in Florida.
We thought we could be happy together and I really love him..otherwise I wouldn’t have come to the states and leave my family and friends behind.
But now it seems like he really misses his kids and it’s hard for me to support him because I hate that he is talking to his ex wife every day. I understand it’s about the kids but it botheres me. He’ll always have to pay child support and Be dependent on her just baca use she has the kids- so she has the power.
Currently driving to South Carolina every month. Which is really stressful for me..9 hour drive there and 9 hour drive back..for only a weekend.
When we are there we are staying at his parents house with the kids and his mom always wants him to sleep with the kids( they are 4 and 6) so they can sleep alone very well. I hate that. I always feel so alone there. I wish I could support him but it’s hard for me to drive there with him and then not have his attention at all. His mom telling him what to do just because it’s her house. I love his boys but I don’t know if I can do it. It’s too much and I am only 21. I’m ready to settle down and have kids but we are never gonna have enough money and I’m never gonna have his full attention.
I just don’t know what to do. I gave up my life in Germany for this..he gave up his marriage ( even though he was really unhappy with it, he was just with his ex for the kids..they were living together more like roommates). But now it seems like we can’t be happy anymore. I can’t give him enough because I’m jealous and he can’t give me enough because he has a responsibility towards his children.
I thought I could do this but I am starting to doubt it. I love him so much though. It’s so hard to think about not being with him. Everything seemed to be perfect between us. Just his past is in the way
It hurts me too that he has a little baby son…I’m so jealous every time she sends him pictures and he feels bad for not being there for his sons.
I can’t really talk about this with anybody because I feel like nobody understands..
Veronica B.March 16th, 2015 at 10:33 AM
I have with a man who has promised to leave his wife 7 years ago but still hsn’t something always comes up…what should I do…………….
robertMarch 18th, 2015 at 11:28 AM
Why would you even be with a man that has a wife?? What does that say about you? You can’t force him to leave his wife. That makes you a home wreker..and if he loves you he would of left her before being with you! And stayed with just you …you need to find a single man that is going to love just you…some one like me 😉 if you know what I mean ..lol
confused:(March 23rd, 2015 at 8:36 PM
I’m young an dating an older guy that has 2 kids and just got out of a 13 year relationship. We been together a year now & I love him so I try really hard making things work. But his ex talks alot of stuff about me and even him. The kids seem to like me sometimes but than his oldest tells the younger one “remember what mom said or I’m telling mom”. & my boyfriend doesn’t seem to care that any of that is going on. Also when the kids come over my stuff be comes missing or cut up? I recently lost my nina and we were really close and my stuff I have left of her was ruined
And my boyfriend thinks it’s a ghost I’m so confused I don’t know what to do??
I need advice
BrittMarch 26th, 2015 at 10:38 AM
I have a similar situation. I have been with my current boyfriend for a year now and i love him very much. He has 2 children. Our first couple of months together he never spent time with them. Now all of a sudden he sees that he wants us to have a long future so he gets them all the time now. He wants me to be a part of there life. I have no children and am no where near ready to be a step mom. Im struggling on what the right thing to do is, because i love him. We never fight and i always get alot of his time. Its just i dont want to be a part of his kids life. So im not sure what to do. Pleaseeee help!
sistersApril 3rd, 2015 at 7:33 PM
You will grow white hair before your time. Leave that man.
janeyApril 16th, 2015 at 4:31 PM
I have a very similar case.my bf & i were dating for over a year now. I found on out the he has a daughter. the daughther is with the mom in other country and i guess he havent seen them for sometime (i checked the passport no entry stamp to that country). And he never told me about it. And i dont think he has plans to say it. Its really disturbing. I am very disappointed.i dont know if i should trust him.
lebzaApril 19th, 2015 at 8:09 PM
IV been in relationship 4 6months now IV developed a lot for the guy nd Neva lied to him but now I just find out he has a 4year old son and dating the mother but claims to luv and not able to leave and I saw luv the guy alooot I cnt even get angry @him but I am afraid to continue date him…can u plz advice quickly cus now um in bad space nd um thnkn dangerously….
The GoodTherapy.org TeamApril 20th, 2015 at 10:09 AM
Thank you for your comment, Lebza. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html
The GoodTherapy.org Team
lukesApril 23rd, 2015 at 11:27 PM
I have been in a relationship for 6 months now and am not happy my boyfriend is much older than me 24yrs older than me I am 21 yrs he controls me sometime and I really want to be happy I need a man next or a bit older like 5 to 6 yrs apart am tired but don’t know what to do pls help me
JennApril 25th, 2015 at 5:02 PM
Hello im writing because im in a situation where me and the babymama had issues bc for the first 6months of my relationship with mt bf i caught him texting his babymama and we have had several issues.My bf said he only would look for bc he did not want to be on child support but at the end of the day he did get put on child supporT. We ended up back together and he stopped seeing the kid for a good amount of months. Now that he called to see the child she agreed bur demands that i do not go with.him when he picks the child up because she does not want me in front of her home. He told her that i would go so she neglected him to get him. The next weekend came and she agreed for him to pick him up but since she saw me in the car she started banging on my windown and demanded for him to bring the kid back. Now months have gone by and he hasn’t seen the kid bc of the headache situation. He misses his son and wants to see him but now demands me too stay at home and I disagree bc no child support ordee says im.not allowed she is the one who feels some type of way. What should i do?
DonnaApril 27th, 2015 at 5:31 AM
Wow, wish I had read this thread 4 yrs ago. Im 25 with two kids to my bf, who is 28, but he has 3 other kids to two diff women. 5 kids in total. He had his eldest when he was 19, then two with his ex wife & we now have 2 of our own. Both exes are crazy to say the least but his ex wife is a whole ‘nother level. She & her friends constantly harassed & bullied me on social media from the second I started dating him, bombarding my FB inbox with all sorts of colourful language & personal attacks on my family, to which he’s only just started defending me in the last yr but too-little, too-late cause the resentment is already in full-swing. She recently relocated their 2 kids interstate after finding her ‘soulmate’ online (They’re no longer together LOL) but now after a year of taking them away, has decided she can’t ‘afford’ to support their kids & has DEMANDED we take them. I have no issue with their kids but more with the arrangements they make to do with their care. I’m currently on maternity leave for our youngest child so plans are often made for the stepkids to come on sch holidays, spesh occasions, etc., where I’m EXPECTED to take care of them since my bf has to work to pay the bills. We can barely make ends meet with our own two kids so the thought of having primary care of our 2 kids PLUS their 2 kids seems daunting & only adds to my resentment towards him for bringing so much baggage to this r/ship. Any legal advice or procedures that are in place that force mothers to raise their own kids if they are mentally & financially fit to do so would be much appreciated!
AnonymousApril 27th, 2015 at 1:18 PM
Me and my fiancé have been together for a couple years now, he has a daughter by another woman and we now have a son. While we were dating we would go to her grandmothers house for a few hours and see his daughter because he didn’t have custody. 10 months ago I had a baby. When my son was about 2 or 3 months old the grandmother who has full custody of my fiancés daughter asked me if I could watch her a few days a week. Even though I knew it would be very hard with my pretty much new born son I had agreed to do It for the sake of their relationship. I really feel like it’s doing more bad then good because I take care of our son 24/7 and his daughter a few days during the week and its getting to be a lot so I told him and we got into a huge fight. He told me If I didn’t want his daughter I couldn’t have him and things have been very stressful since then because we have a baby together. Now he wants to file for custody but at the end of the day I’m going to be a young first time mother taking care of 2 children and that is way too much to handle.Also I feel like he doesn’t give our son the attention he should because he feels bad that his daughter doesn’t live with us.I don’t know what I should do because every time I try to talk to him about it, it turns into a huge fight.Please help!
Mr. GApril 27th, 2015 at 5:14 PM
Me I’m 22 and I have a 19 18 years old Girlfriend,
and i also have a daughter… i love my girlfriend so much, and i hope she doesn’t leave me just beacause i have a daughter from another girl. and i wiish that her parents can accept it soon when we get married. She is the lovfe of my life. Tbh. God is with us i know that.
jeanetteMay 1st, 2015 at 4:18 PM
Stop watching his kid. He doesnt appreciate it when you watch his child, because he thinks youre supposed to. He will never understand that you are doing it out of the goodness of your heart, but you dont have to. My empowering moment is when i realize after a few years that i didnt have to accept shit, i got to the point when i realize i didnt have to accept nothing i didnt want to. I finally got out of that unfulfilling relationship, you should try that as an option. If you not pregnant by him, got a kod by him, or not married to him; Good. You…Have…Options..
loveMay 1st, 2015 at 4:30 PM
With her being pregnant with his baby they were a lot more than just roomates, he was being unfaithful to his wife to be with you. She is not going anywhere, even after a divorce. The kids arent going anywhere. You will be dealing with her and the kids, you are way too young for that lot in life. Go back to your stability, where your family and friends are. That man needs to go back to his family.Dont waste away time, time is precious. Youre young now, but how long can you live like that. Go with your gut, youre not happy in your relationship thats why u feel the way u feel. You in some mess, some adulterous mess. It will never turn out well for you in your position.
loveMay 1st, 2015 at 4:43 PM
Ill tell you that youre young and to just leave, but youre in love and you wont. I will tell you that u will never stop thinking the text book thoughts that you think for a young women facing the decisions youre facing.Every fear that you are having, plenty of women in your position have felt. I feel like a third wheel, i will never give him his first child, the child will always comes first, ex would always be apart of his life, will he love our child the same, does he still love the mother of his child, will he ever sleep with her again (its not like she so repulsive that he wont..hence he has a child with her)etc etc it goes on and on. Its mental anguish, mental suffering, life is actually too long to face these fears, insecurities, and doubts on a DAILY basis. Its too long for the stress. Love is strong, sex is such a bonding glue it will keep u staying in a relationship u know it doesnt fit your spirit. I just pray for you women, hopefully you dont waste too much time before you get smart and leave.
loveMay 1st, 2015 at 4:56 PM
All women deserve their own families. Families were meant to stay together, not try to function splitting children, dropping children off like baggages on the porch. Why put yourself in the middle of other peoples dysfunctions, for a man that will choose his children over you on any given day. Choose a man that is choosing your child, not another womens child.Bravo to man taking care of their children, but its an emotional rollercoaster for the women getting in the middle of their unfinished business, because raising children is a life long commitment. My ex after two years of dating me didnt know he was still married to the baby mama, he was the primary parent and was recieving child support, be a day in hell that i will date a man paying out child support lol, i eventually left because our relationship couldnt survive that blow, unfinished business. Families is an unfinished business with commitment. She lied about being divorce and he stupidly believed her. What lies is your man believing from his baby mama or ex wife that could affect your life?
LonellMay 1st, 2015 at 9:15 PM
I am in need of a true woman who is ready to build a legacy worth the record books…. I’m 34 with a good head on my shoulders and simply want someone to talk to and understand ….someone to make smile…
RoseMay 2nd, 2015 at 5:12 AM
Hello. I am engaged to a man with two kids from his ex-wife. They are girls. We love each other so much. The thing is that the girls are spoiled. They won’t do a thing or clean up after them selves unless asked. One is 14 and the other 11. At the beginning, my job was not going so well since i am a freelancer and I have ups and downs, I was staying the whole time with them and help cleaning the house and everything. The older one is a girl who’s so moody. At a moment she’s great, the other I just dont know wat to say. He keeps talking to her all the time how to change herself and etc. . She’s changing but with babysteps. Now the thing is that I am a hardworker and I am building my future day by day and he always keeps nagging to get a fixed job with fixed hours which i don’t stand at all. Every week it’s either him or his daughter who might do a certain kind of trouble. This week is about cleaning the house. He thinks that i should be helping him with that and I barely have time to rest my body. At the beginning i asked him to get someone to clean the house twice a week but he always says no because he has so many payments and his daughters are in a very good school and he has lots of expenses so each month he keeps nagging how much he is paying. And whenever we wanna go out I feel guilty because he doesn’t afford anything anymore. I am really tired. He’s also moody as his daughter and i dunno wat to do with that..
LIL eMay 3rd, 2015 at 4:06 PM
Hello, ive been trying to see if anyone could be going through what i am going through. I started dating my bf a year and 5 months ago. Before we started dating he told me he had a 6 yr old son from a woman he had a relationship with a long time ago. Before february 2015 he hadnt seen his son for 5 years because the mother hid him from him. Once a year or so she would call my bf and tell him that she wanted him to take their son for one reason or another. But every time he got his hopes up and hopped in the car she would change her mind. He traveled halfway across the country once until she changed her mind. Now this february she calls and says that she is under a second investigation for child abuse and my bf has to go pick him up or else he would go into state care.
I love my bf very much and he loves me even more than that. Its funny how two people so different can be such a good match. So when he approached me with this i knew that i would lose him in the long run if i said i didnt want his kid in our lives. Even if it turned out he couldnt take his son back, i feel that resentment and guilt would have built itself up between us like a wall and our relationship would deteriorate. I felt mixed emotions, like a clown juggling bowling pins and they each have a name: fear, excitement, irritation, love, uncertainty, trepidation…
So, in any case, here i am, working a full time job, struggling to finish a degree while raising his son. My bf works 12s nearly every day. I cant remember the last time he had a day off. I usually work 7-3 and he works 2-11 and until 2am if he has to stay over for a 12hr shift, which, as i said earlier, is the norm. I get to see him on the evenings of his random days off and a small break everyday at work before he has to go to his own job. I find myself missing him alot. Hes very loving and understanding and does not take for granted what i and my family are doing for his kid. Without my family to help watch the kid i honestly couldnt do it.
Our lease is coming to an end and we have found a new, bigger place to live. I suppose i am in a place where im not sure im cut out for this, ive never ever considered parenthood of any type, but i always did tell the universe that if i ever had kids i just wanted to skip the diaper stage for the love of god. Guess i got my way ;p
In any case, its hard not to resent the kid who just turned 7 last month. Teaching him to read and write and manners and everything you need to do is exhausting on a spiritual, mental and emotional level. I love my bf so much and im trying to be the best mother figure i can be but i feel like i am losing myself every day. I feel lost and detached from the world in any case, i always have. Im an introvert by nature and sometimes being around kids or even their parents fills me with needless but annoying anxiety. It sucks when both the father and kid dont have much in common with me. Im more of a yoga, meditation, vegan gal and they are video games, meat and materialistic people. Sometimes i feel myself as though i am in a miserable state, like today, and i can just see the rest of my life unfolded before my eyes, watching this kid for the rest of my life.
On the other of the billion hands my bf is so happy and i know i am doing the right thing by helping him with this. This makes the smoke less hazy and keeps me going. I wish i could zap myself to be more like a mothers mentality rather than the selfish introvert grumbling inside my head. Wish i had more answers, but even if there was an answer, im not sure what it would look like.
AnonymousMay 9th, 2015 at 1:03 AM
Hi i am writing to everyone. If someone can give me advise. That would be spectacular. I am 20 years old in a relashionship with someone who is 13 years older than me. My boyfriend is 33 years old. I have absolutely no children and do not want any until i am 30 years old. That is in fact if i still want any children. I am married to the love of my life and we both want a child or children. Conor to being a family for life. As of not i do not like children. I am never around them. I have meet my boyfriends children and used to be around them a lot. He has three children biologically two one 8 and 7. The other non biological child is 11 years old. The mom of the children is the most ridiculous person to ever meet. She is the most irresponsible,laziest person ever. Anywho my boyfriend meet this mom in college unaware she had a child of her own. The 11 year old now that my boyfriend practically adopted. He just wanted to “hook up” with her. He never really loved her unconditionally or even to the way he truly meant it in his heart. She gets pregnant and desises not to tell him until she is three months pregnant. He decides to have the baby because he is against abortions. He despises a year later to actually have another baby with her. Even tho he never wanted another baby. He has another one so that they could always be brothers or sisters together. He knew it was never going to work out with her. That is why he did that. She was physical,cheated on him in the house with all three of her children there downstairs playing. They never got married officially. They had a small ceramony. Only because it was pushed by the church to get married. The children below they got married to this day. Thy believe a lie. It is sad. Anywho the 11 year old he never legally adopted her. He took her under her wing and raised her like “his own”. What do i do i never want to see his children ever in my life. I am so… Young now starting out my 20’s. I love this man very much. He is my solemate for now but i would never get married to him or have children with him because he already has children. Aka “to much “baggage” he literally had to see them all of the time so what do i do? What can i say to change everything? “Besides not being with him” that is not an option.
nikki s.May 26th, 2015 at 7:42 AM
I’m 28 and I have children and they’re not in my custody but I live with my 48 year old bf and his two kids. Their mother also doesn’t do anything except cause problems and court battles. I treat those kids like they’re my own and I really feel for them but I see things from both sides having been a single parent and just a single woman and I’ll say this ppl need to be responsible for their own children. Yes everyone deserves love but its not fair to expect someone to embrace child rearing as u had to. Yes they should respect the children but they shouldn’t be obligated to take on raising them unless they want to. My bf goes to work and does the bare minimum to take care of his kids he wants me to take the place of their mother. His children don’t replace mine in fact they take time from me being with mine. Trying to talk about it with my bf is a nightmare. Children are ultimately the parents responsibility via child support full custody visitation etc. A romantic relationship is separate from that. I encourage single parents who have custody to consider maybe dating other single parents who have custody instead of just single people maybe then it can be equally balanced so ppl feel more obligated to share the responsibility but also make sure there is closure with the other parent before forming any new relationship its not fair to expect someone new to have to put up with the ex. Make sure custody battles are over too trust me I hated being in the middle of those and so do children its uncomfortable for everyone. All I’m really saying is don’t be selfish and inconsiderate be honest with urself and others and try to see someone else’s point sometimes. Then maybe the process of elimination can be quicker so u can finally find someone who is willing to fill that gap for u and ur children. Anyone who is in my situation my advice is be honest with ur bf or gf and tell them that the kids thing ain’t happening if they refuse to listen and try to force u to be a parent to someone and u don’t wanna for whatever reason just leave it makes no sense to subject a child to uncomfortable situations just so u and ur bf or gf can have a relationship just find someone more compatible or get over it period. Stop being selfish and that’s on both sides.
Wise GalMay 27th, 2015 at 1:36 PM
To alll of my sisters asking for advice that are in a similar situation as this, here is what I have for you. I will share my story of a two and a half year relationship that involved the most precious, adorable three year old little boy I’ve ever met. I love/loved this child since the day I met him when he was only 7 months old. I would say I love him like my own, but I don’t have any children so I don’t know how I would love my own. I will say that my love was very deep and strong for him and I was excited about a future of teaching him new things and being his “BeBe” (Bonus Mom). I would buy him Christmas presents, birthday presents, give him baths, read to him, teach him, and love on him every chance I got. We would play action figures and have a blast every time we were together, because I wanted to make sure he knew I loved him. His father and I, both 22 years old, fell in love seemingly at first sight, & I would travel the ocean to see him if that’s what it took. We were in a long distance relationship, I in Tennessee, and he Indiana. We met while he was in college in Tennessee, & a month later he had to go back to Indiana, but our relationship only grew stronger after he left. The distance was hard, but it was even harder knowing that he was in the same city as his child’s mother, who still wanted him back. She was in love with him, even though she tried to deny it, but I saw it in her eyes. She and I never had a huge conflict, probably because we didn’t see each other often. I saw her on my visits to him which were basically monthly. In the beginning, Bm and I were even friends, but that got to be too much because I was the awkward person in the middle of their conflict. I felt like I had to take a side, and my loyalty was to my boyfriend. I cut off facebook and phone communication, & I think after that she got a little salty. During our long distance either he would come and see me or me him for two whole years. he tried to move to Tennessee, but that only lasted for 6 month, because I felt he needed to be close to his child, or the child would resent me forever. When I first got into the relationship I was willing to do whatever to be with this man. I didn’t think twice about the fact that he had a child at home when we first met while he was in Tennessee for school. All I thought about was me and him sharing a future together. As time passed I began to see let him having a child was definitely a huge issue for me. I had mental anguish, stress, emotional roller coasters, fears, doubt, insecurities etc. the list goes on. I never knew in the beginning that I would feel this way, I thought I would be able to handle it, but as I seen the way he talks so highly of his child, loved and gave everything he could to his child, I couldn’t help but feel jealous and wonder if my child would be able to compare to his first child, his junior. Everyone knows that the first time you experience something so powerful, nothing can ever compare or replace that first born experience. I did not want to have everything regarding my pregnancy be compared to his first pregnancy. I began to get jealous that the baby mama had already given him everything he wanted. I began to get jealous that my mother-in-law had already gotten her first grandson, her first grandchild. I felt that no matter how much they said they disliked her or argue with her, she would always be special to them because she gave them such a beautiful blessing. Even though he didn’t intentionally get her pregnant, because she got pregnant a month after they met, it was still mental anguish because it made me think ” you obviously wanted it a little bit if you nutted in her”. I would think about them having sex together, being in the delivery room together, thinking about baby names, and forever having to talk on the phone in front of me about the child. I would think about then subtly flirting. I would think about them looking at their child and thinking of one another. I would think about every time I get mad at him or he gets mad at me would he run to her? I would think about the fact that if I was out of town, would she come over and drop the child off and they may mess around or would their feelings get rekindled after forgiving and forgetting. I would think about me constantly being in competition with this woman, because I always have to appear as the better partner, better mother, better looking, better cook, better everything. I know I didn’t have to be in competition, that is always wanted to appear better than the ex. It’s human Nature people! But it was a paradox, because I had to love her child and care for her child, and therefore love and respect her. Just pure insanity.!! They dated for a year after she got pregnant, so that just lets me know they did share some time together, and I just couldn’t stomach the possibility of does having a child together and possibly breaking up. This would make me baby mama number 2 and I’d have to be in her shoes. He was an amazing man gave me everything I wanted and needed, expressed to his family and everyone else that I was his woman and to respect me. But that did not stop the mental torment from going away. I wanted to stay in the relationship, because I wanted to prove to myself and everyone else that I could withstand this, and that the situation wasn’t as hard as everyone makes it out to be. But I finally had to give up and realize I deserved better. Even though he gave me so many things, the one thing that truly matters the most to me was to have a family. I was entering a broken situation, and I would not be able to ever have peace in that situation. I would always be in competition and somehow, feel inferior in some way. Even though I love this man deeply, I knew God would send me someone who did not have children and would not make me feel like second place. I know my ex did not purposely try to make me feel that way, but the circumstances of the situation would not change, and I would always feel insecure in some way. But now I’m excited about meeting a new man, I know more about myself, I know what my standards are. & I know to never date a man with children. Maybe if I had children of my own the situation would not be so hard, but now I know its terrible to have to try and create harmony and peace in such a broken situation. Kudos to all stepmothers out there, I read all the books, I read all the articles and I try my damnest to be a good step mommy. I’ve only had to realize it wasn’t for me, not a young beautiful, 22 year old with a degree and a bright future. It was too much baggage for me, & I hope those of you that aren’t supposed to be in the situation as you are and get out now and stop wasting time. You’re too good for it and there’s plenty of fish in the sea. If you supposed to be there good for you girl! Love your man regardless and stand by him. just follow the Holy Spirit, and listen to God! He will never lead you astray. Obedience is everything!
BiancaMay 30th, 2015 at 9:35 PM
My story is one of it’s own just like everyone else. Please dont judge i need help i am going crazy!!
Complicated, embarrassing, ashamed and heartbroken that I’ve suffered through this for nearly 3 full years and still continue to.
I’m 21 and my girlfriend is 28… We are a lesbian couple which makes this 100 times harder for me…
I’m her first girlfriend, and I’ve been with hundreds of women. I’m a real sexual out there loving free as a bird sex addict, and loooove my lesbian and gay scene.
she has 2 kids, to 2 dad’s.
Has a past FULL of men, but claims to be gay.
1 child (her eldest, K.) is from a careless one night stand, the “father” was saying basically wanting to try have a relationship otherwise he didnt want it.
She didnt want a relationship or the father in the kid’s life, so she kept the kid fatherless before birth…. So no child support no nothing. Just her and a kid and welfare payments.
once this child was born she then found another man when it was still a new born, and fell pregnant to him 3 months into their relationship… This child, (C.) she does not have in her custody or in her life at all anymore due to being just careless and moved interstate to be with me because i originally left home to be with her but couldnt stand where we were living so i wanted to move; and she wanted to come.
The 3 of us live in 1 state of Australia, and the other kid is basically non existant now over 12 hour drive away, no visits no calls, nothing. And honestly im loving it, much better! Got me wanting more!! If she can get rid of one, then do it with the other. Right!?
Because it is her I met, and her I love… Not these kids… Not this baggage, not this embarrassing life story that gets ME judged for her fuck ups and baggage; Not this life of being broke and stuck at home and having to miss out on being young and clubbing and travelling and living it up because there’s a 7 y.o stuck in our care with LITERALLY NO BABYSITTERS AT ALL!!!
But this oldest child still holds a lot of baggage even without a dad in the picture; plus the youngest was still around when we very first got together. So that’s reflecting badly on my life… For her choices….
My family, my friends; even my landlord to our rental property all knew about the youngest and that she’s now gotten rid of her and doesnt see her… but then she just left her behind and stopped calling her and the grandparents that she lives with (father’s parents) dont bother with my girlfriend as they have obviously just gathered she’s a shitty excuse for mum and doesnt care.
So I dont know what to do.
I never wanted kids.
We met in a nightclub, flirting and always fucking and laughing.
Then this past and these kids and these fucked up stories got slammed on me. I been “dealing” with it for 3 years this August.
I want all kids out of my life.
I want my life back.
But I love my life with her. But i cant have it both ways. She 100% knows exactly how i feel about this and doesnt want me to leave, ever. Wants me to just deal with it and stick it out, because she moved for me and got rid of her kid to come here to be with me.
All choices she’s made.
Where does it leave me? What do I do and how do I do it?
I care for her and love her, but I hate HATE her life and baggage.
It’s her problems, they’re her embarrassments… I feel I should be left alone and that somehow something should go my way of getting my own life back.
But then I’m torn because I’ll lose her,
And our things together and the home we’ve worked so hard to build together.
I dont want to lose her but i hate kids :(((
HollyJune 9th, 2015 at 9:42 AM
Reading everyones stories and comments has made me want to share my experience.
I have been in a relationship for almost 3 years with a guy knowing full well he has children. He had a messy break-up with his ex and she took custody of the children whom he has not been able to see for the past 3 years. During this time he has had his highs and lows and I have tried to support him, console him, councel him and be there for him in everyway possible. I have virtually spent everyday since the begining of our relationship rushing around after him to help him out and support him (as you do when you love someone…and Im not saying this so that he does that for me because i do genuinly love him)…
Anyhow, the eldest child has just recently got back in-touch and over the last 2 weeks has been staying over at my partners house. This has meant that I have not been able to see him as I usually would do and even for my birthday- he just spared me 2 hours (which hurt a lot as I had the day planned for us to go away)… I totally understand the dynamics of things would change with his children returning, however I had no idea that I would literally be shunted out of the picture with virtually no forwarning…I just feel like an outsider, like a peice of rubbish…I have no intention of competing with a child and I am genuinely happy from the bottom of my heart that he has access to his children and they are re-storing their lost years and relationship…but I feel really hurt and feel of no value now that all his time is being taken up by them….I just feel so low and empty without him and felt really hurt when I tried to explain that I miss him and he told me to take up a new hobbie like yoga!…I love him to bits and the current situation is breaking my heart….I feel guilty for my feeling and thoughts but dont know how to deal with any of this…am I just being selfish?!!!
apologies for typos- getting very emotional and tears aren’t allowing me to see the screen properly…
Luis L.June 12th, 2015 at 9:41 PM
I am also going through a situation very similar to yours and I want to share it with you because I also don’t know what to do. I am on phone so I will get on my computer tomorrow and type it all out
cristyJune 18th, 2015 at 8:29 AM
This is such a similar story to my current one… it’s hard. Difficult to make that choice, do I leave or stay? I know I’m a good catch but there’s so much bad in this world It’s scary starting over. Everyone has kids it seems like. I’m in school, 23 yrs old, no kids and I truly love this man. I read your story over and over… I can def see both sides of this. One question though, which is also the difference between my story and yours, would it have made a difference for you if your exs bm wanted absolutely nothing with him but to just have him see his child? My bfs bm seems to have no interest whatsoever, she even has her bf as well. Doesn’t call or communicate unless my bf reaches out to see his son. I feel all kinds of insecurities though… but when I think about if my bf has ever given me a reason, I can’t think of any besides the fact that he left her and only a month later met me while she was still trying to work things out with him. She saw me one day and I guess realized he moved on for good. It’s all a risk, risk of me having a no good guy or me having a changed man who really just wants me… Will I be able to let myself be happy here? Idk .
AmyJune 27th, 2015 at 9:08 PM
My man has a 2 month old son we have been together off an on for 5 years, he didn’t tell me some random girl was having his baby but long story short I found out and he’s been playing a role at home saying he wants to sign all rights away and telling me I have nothing to worry about but the on fathers day there was a picture posted by his mother saying Happy Father’s Day to her son an a picture of him holding his baby which he told me he’s never seen personally and never wants to but I found out it was a arranged meeting at his mother’s house for them what do I do!?? I have no kids, I want them badly! Never been told I couldn’t have any just haven’t been the easiest to impregnate…. I’m 25… Thanks-amy…
AmyJune 27th, 2015 at 9:12 PM
My man has a 2 month old son we have been together off an on for 5 years, he didn’t tell me some random girl was having his baby but long story short I found out and he’s been playing a role at home saying he wants to sign all rights away and telling me I have nothing to worry about but the on fathers day there was a picture posted by his mother saying Happy Father’s Day to her son an a picture of him holding his baby which he told me he’s never seen personally and never wants to but I found out it was a arranged meeting at his mother’s house for them what do I do!?? I have no kids, I want them badly! Never been told I couldn’t have any just haven’t been the easiest to impregnate…. I’m 25… Thanks-amy… First time using this sorry for me saying the same thing twice
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