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My Boyfriend Has Kids, I Don’t. Should I Stay?

My Boyfriend Has Kids, I Don’t. Should I Stay?

My boyfriend already has three children. I have none. Should I continue dating him? I'm 26 years old. I can't seem to accept the fact he's already experienced having a family. I truly care for him, but I'm struggling. - Torn
Dear Torn,

Thank you for writing in with such a rich and complex question. Unfortunately, I can’t give you a simple yes-or-no answer. As is often true with relationships, it is a bit more complicated than that. I can, however, suggest some areas for you to explore as you consider your next steps.

First, I would encourage you to explore why you are having such difficulty accepting the fact your boyfriend already has children. This would give many people pause. Relationships can be quite complicated when only two people are involved—each person brings his or her own unique goals, dreams, and expectations, as well as wounds from previous relationships. Negotiating all of this can be challenging. Add three children and their mother to the mix and things can get very complicated, very quickly. But the question for you is, how are you experiencing this? How do you feel about his children? Do you get along well with them or is there a lot of tension between you? Are you concerned about whether your boyfriend will want to have children with you, given he already has three of his own? If he does want to have children with you, are you worried that it won’t mean as much to him as it does to you, as a first-time parent? Are you interested in being a mother at all? Did you envision motherhood coming later in your life? What will your role with his three children be and what are your thoughts and feelings on that role? Sit with these questions, allow others to arise, and be brutally honest with yourself in answering them. It might be a good idea to partner with a therapist who can facilitate a thorough exploration of these issues and support you in the process.

Once you have gained greater clarity on your thoughts, feelings, and concerns about the fact your boyfriend is already a father, it seems that the next step is to talk to him. Share with him what arose for you in your exploration of this very serious issue. If you do choose to stay in this relationship, it will be essential to be able to have difficult conversations with him about his children and how you feel about them, and about how they impact your relationship. If you don’t choose to stay in the relationship, you will likely need to have another kind of difficult conversation about why you are leaving the relationship. A therapist could be very valuable in helping you prepare for these conversations and in processing the outcomes.

Thank you again for writing in with a question that surely resonates with many. I wish you courage in the process of sorting this out and peace with whatever choice you make.

Kind regards,
Sarah

Sarah Noel

Sarah Noel, MS, LMHC is a licensed psychotherapist living and working in Brooklyn, New York. She specializes in working with people who are struggling through depression, anxiety, trauma, and major life transitions. She approaches her work from a person-centered perspective, always acknowledging the people she works with as experts on themselves. She is honored and humbled on a daily basis to be able to partner with people at such critical points in their unique journeys.

255 comments
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lily
December 15th, 2012 at 11:44 AM
when did he tell you about the children? was he upfront about it from the very beginning? or are the facts being revealed to you gradually? if it is the latter I would say run, without a doubt!

but if he was honest with you from the beginning I think you need to think about what future you see with him. if you see yourself settling down with this man then you need to consider all the things that he will bring along into the marriage – the custody of the kids, his connection with his ex wife, your connection with his children,your plans of having children, and many others. tbh there’s no one but you who can answer this for sure. there is a lot of introspection to do and I would say its better to start ASAP.

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Elizabeth
January 16th, 2017 at 1:52 PM
This post is pretty old but I would like to give my opinion. When I was younger (26 now) I was dating a guy who I really thought could be the one…. Until his 3 yr old moved in with him. On my 1st meet she was horrible kicking, throwing tantrums, tried to hit me a few times which dad noticed I was not having it (I don’t blame her , blame them for not teaching her manners). And the next day I told him I couldn’t be with him. He asked and insisted to know why until I told him ” I don’t and cant be with you because you have a daughter, am not built for it and it would be unfair to her if I were to come around and ignore her or not want to make her my priority”, plus I didn’t tell him this but I simple felt like I couldn’t love his daughter , like she was going to be a constant bother in our relationship. I was 18 then and maybe a little immature but I knew what I wanted and someone else’s kid was not one of those things. All am saying is be smart and do not stay in a relationship that makes you feel less important than you are. If him having a kid is a deal breaker and you automatically feel like you cant do it, THEN DONT. At the end the only one who truly suffers is the kid.

DONT USE THE LINE “EVERYONE HAS KIDS NOW AT DAYS” (Stop lowering your standards.)

On the last note, my beautiful, amazing, mother-in-law got with my father-in-law when his kids were still toddlers , and those kids treated her like she wasn’t worthy. She planned trips(Around the world), fed them, took care of them, bought them everything they needed, and treated them like they were her own , even took them in when the biological mother became a drug addict, and they always found a way to make her feel like the Step-mother. (Even at sweet 16 which she paid for she was treated like shit and asked by the eldest to leave the picture because it was ” a family picture”. Till this day they still do and they are grown (32,36) But the difference now is that she doesn’t walk on egg shells and tells it like it is and puts them In there place.

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Sm
January 17th, 2017 at 9:15 AM
So,… You left him? How did you take that decision??
EBlah
January 17th, 2017 at 9:26 AM
That’s what I want to know. How did he take it. Now it’s him even brining up the mom and daughters name that pushes me on the edge. I’m also noting how he reacts/interacts with them both. Its all overwhelming and not satisfying. We live together. What the hell.
Ali
December 23rd, 2019 at 1:39 AM
I’m in that same situation I’m 17 and my boyfriend has a 5 year old daughter. He didn’t tell me he had a daughter until a month later I found out myself and I was mad but I just told him I accepted him & her unless I get too meet her but he still hasn’t and he doesn’t talk about her much and once in a while I’ll mention her but he just tells me that she’s too shy and wants too wait till she understands and that really pissed me off bcs I know I haven’t fully accepted the fact that he already has a daughter it’s really not that hard just him bringing her and getting to know her but instead he just hesitates when he perfectly knows that I’m gentle patient and sweet with kids which bothers me. He treats me really good and is so respectful I know for a fact that he loves me more than I do but I just can’t move forward with him thinking he already has a daughter and a babymama it’s just something to think about bcs it’s a very serious topic. I feel less in the relationship I want to learn to love his daughter in order to accept the relationship but he’s not helping when “I accepted it”and it gives me a type of jealousy
Charmaine
February 26th, 2017 at 2:29 AM
Hey! Joy here.
I have the same problem with other woman here..
I am dating a 50 years old amekcan and i am 26 years old filipina from philippines. Were daing for two years and 1 3 months already,, and now he drop this big bomshell just today that he don’t like to have another children. Actually he already have 3 (18 years old twins and a 16 years all boy) from his previous wife.. he just told me that he want to get marriedagain but no plans to have anither kids because according to him he is too old for that and he don’t want anither responsibility so he tood me that he don’t want to have another kid form me. I was saddend about what u hapear from him so i am asking for an advice on what go do. If i will leave him or stay because honestly i really love him and can let him go. It’s already two years and he always told me that it will he is into me and love me.. i feel it that he loves me but sooner or later i don’t wanna regret. Any advice to give?? Please send ur comments or advices i barely needed it.

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Charmaine
February 26th, 2017 at 2:34 AM
Hey! Joy here.
I have the same problem with other woman here..
I am dating a 50 years old american and i am 26 years old filipina from philippines. Were dating for two years and 3 months already,, and now he drop this big bomshell just today that he don’t like to have another children. Actually, he already have 3 Childrens (18 years old twins and a 16 years old, all boys) from his previous wife.. he just told me that he want to get married again but no plans to have another kids because according to him he is too old for that and he don’t want another responsibility so he told me that he don’t want to have another kid form me. I was saddend about what I heard from him so i am asking for an advice on what to do. If i will leave him or stay because honestly i really love him and can let him go. It’s already two years and he always told me that He is into me and love me.. i feel it that he loves me but sooner or later i don’t wanna regret. Any advice to give?? Please send ur comments or advices i barely needed it.

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Nicole
October 31st, 2019 at 11:42 AM
Hi Joy,
Leave him.
I dated a guy for 2 years who told me he did not want kids. I was suffering for a long time but I was in love with him completely so I could not leave him. Then we split up. I now met a guy who wants kids and I am happier, even with just that fact. I am 5 months pregnant with my first child. I recommend you leave him, you will have a happier life. Really!!
Maureen
August 25th, 2017 at 7:51 PM
I’m having some ish with my boyfriend,the first time I met him he told me he has a baby mama,and we are a bit far we leave four to five hours far, he tells me he loves me and wished he has met met me earlier before he baby because the baby is just nine months, that’s it’s a complicated relationship with the baby, that he just has to care for her and keep telling her lovely words for her to take care of the baby, he is actually caring and loveable but then sometimes I just don’t feel comfortable with this,he asked me to cool down with him let’s see what the future will be but he will like to spend the rest of his life with me,and sometimes when the baby mama is ahome he invites me to his own state and we stay in a hotel, she once chatted me and he begged me to block her off, he is really sincere abt not ending things with her fully but I should give him time for him to figure out how to do that without hurting her, so that she won’t be talking in to their baby making her hate him… Sometimes I just don’t feel like I can take it knowing fully well he tells her he loves her and still makes love to her…. Pls I need an advice what do you think I should do

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Ella
December 16th, 2012 at 8:27 AM
There isn’t much wrong in him having kids already,as long as you are kept in the loop.I think you can definitely make things work,but proceed only if you are sure you are okay with it.No reason to continue now only to be heartbroken later due to the decision,is it?!

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Laura
December 16th, 2012 at 10:01 AM
It’s not like he hid this from you, right? So you have known all along that he already has a family. I think that maybe this is something that you will have to work out on your own. You are the one who seemingly has issues with this. So you are the one who has to make that right choice for you.

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Kyla B
February 23rd, 2017 at 9:27 AM
He did Hide it from me he cheated on her with me and he didn’t tell me that she was pregnant or that she existed until a friend told me because i said i can see us getting married and i can see us having kids.

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Ming
March 3rd, 2017 at 2:54 AM
Once a cheater, always a cheater. Leave him as soon as possible.
liliana
December 17th, 2012 at 6:17 AM
Run. Find a man that has no children & start your own journey together. You’re always going to feel like the outsider in this relationship. I say run!

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Lea
August 25th, 2014 at 1:44 PM
I agree: run! You will never have peace, be a priority or have the loving, happy relationship we all deserve.

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Angie
May 31st, 2016 at 10:28 AM
This is totally not the case. I am with a wonderful man and have been for over a year that has shared custody of his 2 kids (8 year old girl and 3 year old boy). My relationship with this man can only be described as perfect. We have never fought about anything. We always have a great time – sometimes alone and sometimes interrupted by kids. It’s true that I’ll never be his sole number 1 priority, but I’m definitely a close second.
To say that dating a man with kids can never result in a happy relationship is absolutely ridiculous.
As for the original author, if you cannot handle that he has kids and it isn’t for you, then it isn’t for you. Everyone is different and it is OK to want to be with someone that doesn’t have kids. You just need to know what you want and what’s best for you. Good luck making the decision!
Skye
June 19th, 2016 at 10:49 AM
RUN!!!!!! He is using you! You doesn’t appreciate you or your feelings. If he cared at all, you wouldn’t be on this typing to strangers for advice! If he was a real man he would show you that YOU come FIRST! The kiddo’s come in SECOND!!!!! They will leave the nest in a few short years and it will be the 2 of you.

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Jeremy
June 26th, 2016 at 9:10 AM
My kids always come first and if my gf or wife cant handle that then she can pack up and leave. Its called being a good parent and one cant expect a father to put his kids second.
Melody
July 1st, 2016 at 10:17 AM
We have the same problem

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Melody
July 1st, 2016 at 10:22 AM
We have the same problem the mother is just doing nothing and the children are lazy and undicipline

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Maria
July 10th, 2016 at 2:56 AM
I totally agree.. I have a man who has two kids and I have one from another relationship. My son is with me most of the time and I have a great relationship with his dad. My partners ex is a horrible bitch and their two daughters are here 50%. I didn’t feel any bad feelings when we started living together but then I got pregnant and the ex bitch started attacking out family when I actually looked after her kids half the time and didn’t ask for anything. Now I hate her, hate the kids, my son is lacking attention because I hate the girls and prefer to hide in my room when they are here…I’m heavily pregnant and hate my life…find yourself a “fresh” man.

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Christine
July 10th, 2016 at 5:57 PM
Hi Maria,

I’m so sorry to hear that, that could be me. This man married me and still say yes to everything to that ex b%tch, she is extremely manipulative and he don’t see that and kept taking her side, because she used him to the fullest and make him feel guilty of leaving her and the kids while they were young cause he hated her and she also manipulated him to have kids with her at the first place to keep him like how she did it again with another man after but this second man left her! Don’t think anyone wanna be with an evil stinky woman like her. Thank God and luckily I don’t have any kid with this horrible man that don’t have the guts to stand up for me and himself! His ex b%tch will ask for everything and he say yes to everything and I have to live with his kids 80% of the time ! And bought a house together and I’m paying the bills for his ex b%tch kids and they don’t even appreciate ! Spent so much money to even buy all the expensive gifts for his kids which they will throw it in the bin after a month, spoilt brats! I’m really lucky to get away from this hell hole …. No more getting involve with a man with kids and crazy manipulative useless irresponsible ex b%tch. The worst thing is that b%tch had a one night stand with another man that she knew online and got herself another kid and push that responsibility to him as well and he is happily to suck that up because again she used that man and hoping to get herself pregnant to keep that man ! Something is not right in her head , set a great example for her kids there .. They probably still Fking each other behind my back… Haha … Well they will all get their karma one day .. Oh they already did cause his 13 years old daughter already started taking drugs and sucking men’s d$ck in the park and that b%tch rang on our first Valentine’s Day as husband and wife to break this news ! Yay ! and he got extremely upset on that day and I can’t be angry because that b%tch spoilt our day and I have to be a better person ! He also think sleeping on his black ex b%tch bed looking after other man’s kid is normal too ! I need to have compassion for that kid ! What A JOKe ! I’m glad I’m OUT !!! Fresh better man without kids and crazy ex wife is the way to go ! I’m extremely truly happy now and a huge relief that I did not have any kids with this man and get stuck for the rest of my life …… Phew ~~~~~ all ladies out there ! RUN before it is too late , don’t be so stupid and silly to get stuck with a man with kids and crazy ex wife .. if you are a woman without kids, don’t be so stupid to get involve with a man like this … It will destroy your whole life ! I wish I listen to everyone’s advice before I fall in love with this man … but I’m also glad and huge relief things did not work out with this horrible man which he thinks he did everything right … what an ego useless man and he and his ex b$tch deserve to be together because they both the same …
Melody
July 30th, 2016 at 6:43 AM
Same thing happens to me the wife is a horrible b**** and the 16years old son is a f**** and the second is acting innocent but f**** lazy now i am left with all the responsibilityand blames because i cannot do the g**** mothers job
Wesley
August 29th, 2016 at 6:35 PM
hehe i have a problem! i have a gf, but she have already one kid, and the big question im happy to be with her, i decided to marry her, but every time she mentioned his kids i got mad! and she is already pregnant. what i gonna do?? please give me a answer.
Melissa O.
December 12th, 2016 at 9:00 AM
Maria, did this situation ever get better for you??
Jack
September 4th, 2016 at 7:18 AM
Leave. Find another man who is ready to start a family with you…. I married a woman with 2 kids and I regrest it immensley…. I have a good relationship with the two daughters and our marriage is happy (Although it takes A LOT more work than any of my other relationships).

The big things are… I wish it didn’t take a lot more work… and I was happier dating women with no kids and no baby daddies…. Also, we have a child of our own now and sadly it was the last kid she wanted to have :-( I’d love to have more but she has 3 now and does not want any more… I am stuck with 1 and I am heart broken over this…

If I could do it all again I’d find someone without kids and have a very happy, much easier and more fulfilling life… No mattwe what you do for those step kids, you’ll never get the same recognition for it, and it will never be the same as if they were your own.

RUN!!!!

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Bill
December 5th, 2019 at 11:31 AM
Run. Run away fast before you enter into an alternate world where your boyfriend puts you in charge of raising his kids, who will never appreciate you because you are not their biological mother. I’ve seen it happen far too many times. Don’t romanticize how it could be. Don’t idealize a Hollywood ending in your head. Run. Date someone your age with no kids. Just run!

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Anonymous
December 25th, 2012 at 4:13 AM
You people who are acting as a man is a criminal for having children are no better than those people who crap on single mothers. You’re completely horrible individuals with no compassion, no conscience, and no decency. So what if he has kids. You don’t know the circumstances, yet you’re already judging him to be a devious bastard. It’s people like you who contribute to the high divorce rate.

You’re arrogant in the extreme and unfairly judgmental of people you’ve never even met and too quick to condemn a man on the basis that he’s got different plumbing than you. For if you weren’t you’d say the same crap about single mothers and you know what?…I seldom see women ripping apart the reputations of single mothers. …but single fathers. Yep. You’ll definitely do that.

I truly hope you people choke on all that bile you’re spewing.

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K
February 10th, 2015 at 5:48 PM
Hello
Well I let a man move into myplace with 3 kids every other week , and 3 weeks over the holidays and he wauld rely on me paying for everything. And domand giving separate gift cards with my name on one… .
I got no appreciation for the mills I cooked and paid for and he only paid 100 a week . Was hard getting that from him.
He domand me to be with his kids at all times otherwise . I poot my business on total hold for him.
I become so sick with kidney thing and needed to rest . So he done the right and loving thing and rubbed me for few days off and on. .. I was sooo thankful but only to find later he blamed me for his bad wrist and for rubbing me…. . I done all I can for that man and to give him a roof over his head and food on the table , untill one day I realised I was running out of money to keep bying food for him and his kids started out as 1 .. so I stoped cooking and hoped he wauld atleast by himself the meet he wants to eat with the vegies… .
3 months of my life waisted. And I am still blaming myself because I didnt want him to reck my brick pavers by parking his 4 will drive truck into my back yard… .
And for asking him to stay at his mums or friends 2 to 3 nights a week.
And I still feel bad for being soo sick that he felt
So much I have left out.

Thr one thing he did for me is poot my cupboards up in the salon after I poot them together.. I am soo thankful that he done that for me but wish he wauld appreciate me in return. .. … . :-(

Sorry for any typos I am upset and typing this on the phone. . Sorry

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Tracey
August 2nd, 2016 at 2:54 PM
I fully agree with the above. I would never allow my partner to question myself for having a past. Love comes with all, I think he deserves a lovely lady who accepts him as he comes. Childen are a gift and an enhancement, as some people can’t even have them. The comments on here are ridicules and immature. Them three persons you are talking about as baggage are beautiful children.

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Anonymous
August 2nd, 2016 at 9:21 PM
Hi Tracey, I think you misunderstood most of the comments here and I don’t think it is fair for you to just drop the judgement call that “all comments here is ridiculous and immature”. If you read carefully enough, it is all about the unfair treatment the single father gave to his current partner that doesn’t have kids. I totally agree that children is a great gift from above, but their dad should be sensitive towards their current partner especially when she doesn’t have kids herself. By putting her feelings first is crucial rather than by putting his ex wife or kids feelings first, this is not moving forward, this is still living in the past. By treating their current partner like a maid, bill payers and free sex slave at the same time will create a worst situation. I think it is all depends on how the single father treat their current partner. I always believe if that single father is sensitive enough and able to find a balance ground between the kids, cut off the crazy ex wife and put his current partner first, things will work for sure. But if that single father kept putting his past first as priority like listening to his ex wife and following the ex wife commands like a puppy, then it will fail for sure and then it will leads to animosity towards the kids eventually because you see your partner’s ex wife face on the kids. It will then reminds the partner without kids that the single dad is sharing something special with some other woman all the time. Hope you understand and if you went through the same experience as other single girls did, I don’t think you will say the same thing of being immature and ridiculous. You probably are a single mum yourself and does not know what other single ladies without kids are going through with their current partner with kids, especially they have to cook for them, pay the bills, work for them, provide a roof for them, free sex and still get treated like shit by the single dad with kids. Not fair to judge at all, unless you have went through a similar tough situation with a partner with kids and that partner put his kids and ex wife first all the time and you come last.
Anonymous
December 25th, 2012 at 4:18 AM
Also…with how judgmental you vile harpies are, it’s no surprise that someone wouldn’t want to come out and automatically state they’re a single parent, especially if they don’t have custody.

“Oh hai. Can we have coffee. I’m a single parent.” <—This would NOT be proper at all, yet here you are expecting people to just spew forth all the skeletons in their closet from their past to some girl they just met who hasn't EARNED the right to know all of a person's secrets.

Seriously. Where the Hell is respect for privacy? I don't see you evil crones going out there and telling people YOUR unfortunate experiences all in one giant blast. You people make me sick.

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Momo
June 23rd, 2016 at 4:29 AM
My boyfriend has a daughter. Lied about her to me for 9 mo. All the while getting a new place w/me. The mother reached out to me, hoping she would get through to him. Never thought he would lie about something like this. It’s not a matter or “privacy” it’s integrity ….

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mike
December 27th, 2012 at 12:17 AM
Just as an added comment given with first hand experience. I am a single father with three young children. Through court I was awarded full custody and enjoy it immensely. In trying to develop a new relationship there seems to be need to be somewhat timid in referencing both children and more so the number of children. I have been told by some woman that three kids its a problem in relationship development. This is where it becomes difficult when a father has multiple kids – there seems in my experience there is quite different treatment between single mothers and single fathers and this increased with the number of children involved.
I know from a years worth of this that its incredibly difficult to find someone who has much interest in being with a single father of multiple children.

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pleasingall
June 22nd, 2014 at 12:31 AM
Okay so I have been dating this guy for 2 years he recently received custody of his 4 kids (8,7,5,2 yrs old) and an additional kid(1yrs old) that is not his but he is taking because she is the sister to his kids I love and respect this man for stepping up as a father..When I met him he didn’t tell me about his kids until one day b4 he took me in a family bbq he has been living with his mother two brothers a sister her babydaddy and her son in a 3 bedroom apartment. We have spent almost all our time together at my place I have no kids currently working on a m.b.a…I enjoy his kids and they have been in dcfs for about 6 months..his mother is giving him her apartment because she is moving in with a husband. .he will be renting the same 3 bedroom but not in his name in his mother’s name so that he can get the kids out the system.i cant stress enough how much I love him he is asking that I move in with him and help out we have been wanting a place together but up until now I never knew it would include 5 small children. .Im 25 and for real im scared that because he doesn’t have his high school diploma i met him while he is seeking GEDand he quit school to work.. he is now working in a factory making about 190 every week full time i think that this process will fall back on me financially, and emotionally. Im unsure about moving forward in our relationship or even moving in. Since you have small children I was wondering what your thoughts are because I see all my dreams and goals going out the window whether I leave or stay??????

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queen
January 22nd, 2015 at 8:39 PM
RUN!
carmen
June 2nd, 2016 at 9:40 PM
Run!!! You are too young for That you will get fed up and then realize you lost time.
Kate
June 7th, 2016 at 11:26 PM
Listen to me girl, honestly, I can,tell that you care about the children and “their dad”, however you are too young to have to deal with that kind of responsibility on your part, as well as obvious IRRESPONSIBILITY as a speed donor/father. You have your entire free young life to live, or you can live a life taking care of other women’s children with an irresponsible partner. TrUTH. YOU DESERVE 2 LIVE your OWN life & LIVE It bettter! Spread ur wings, FLY! And live ur life 2 the fullest. Don’t get dragged down by someone who isn’t worth your time and had so many other ppl 4 him 2 b worth their time. U ONLY HAVE 1 LIFE. LIVE IT TO THE FULLEST. BEST WISHES!
SummerRain
July 17th, 2016 at 9:23 PM
I agree! Run Forrest, Run! Don’t look back either, In my opinion you may tolerate it in the beginning but later on the relationship you will start to resent him and the children. Its like he will have 2 competing relationships and feed the one and starve the other, It is only normal for a Father who loves his children that he will invest in those kids more because they are his flesh and blood. Yes, he may love you and want to continue in being together nonetheless it is inevitable that he will make a choice. Most likely he will slack with you and do enough to keep you straggling along.
You are way to young to be tied down with this much responsibility, Start fresh and anew with a man who is at the same place in life with you..that would no kids and you are the priority, Wish you the best! :)
Anonymous
August 2nd, 2016 at 9:25 PM
Are you serious ??? this is a no brainer question… haha… you should RUN and you will find someone else that you love in the future ! It will be hard for the first 3 months because you love him and still miss him, after 3 months you will be thanking everyone here that ask you to RUN AWAY ! Don’t get involve and don’t get a place together, when he gets what he wants, he will chase you out from the house. trust me… i went through it myself and not worth investing any of your further time! trust your instinct ! you are smart and MBA student! come on.. haha
Kate
June 7th, 2016 at 11:09 PM
So true. I have only dated one man who has a 40/60% custody with 3 children with his x. I have created a Christmas wonderland and decorated for St. Patrick’s day, easter, and will continue to do their class projects and reading as well as checking their homework and reading with them. It just seems as though it will never be enough, as the mother is a complete lazy “gold digger” and does nothing 4 her own children. I am so frustrated and Idk what to do, esp. Since I have none of my own children and have never been married; as well as am much younger than him…..

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Angie
February 5th, 2013 at 8:30 AM
I am currently dating someone who has 3 kids and full custody (not legally- just a POS for a mom). She basically only has anything to do with the kids unless it benefits her. I live with them and pay half the bills in the house. The biggest issue we have is when disciplining the kids. He still (after 3 years of living together) feels that it is up to him. My opinion is that since we are both adults in a commited long term relationship it should be a joint decision. Their ages are 16, 14 and 12, so the kinds of punishments are taking away computer useage, cell phones and no extra activities. Maybe since we are not married, I shouldn’t expect to have a say….I just don’t know. Initially when we discussed living together, it was decided that we would split things down the middle. I just don’t feel that it’s right to expect half for everything, but if I am home alone with the kids I can’t ask them to help with chores- or if they are fighting tell them to stop. Any advice?

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Tamara
July 14th, 2013 at 12:13 PM
Man oh man… Angie I am with you on that, I have a boyfriend I have been living with for three years and he has two kids two little girls and he lets them get away with everything. He threatens punishment but he never follows through. My biggest complaint in our relationship amongst everything is that when we are in an argument he makes me angry then he comforts his kids as a safety net and I have no one to comfort me its unfair and unjust.

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cas
June 15th, 2014 at 8:32 AM
While it’s easy to point the finger and say that the childless have the issues, you never quite know until you walk a mile in our shoes. In my case its not a matter of him having a child or children but its a huge culture shock going from single and free to ‘stepmom’ of X number of kids. Its a double edged sword…you’re not allowed to discipline or correct the child when misbehaving yet youre frowned at when you dont want to be around them. No one should have to sacrifice their sanity for an unbalanced relationship. If theres a difference in parenting theres going to be Prob-Lems. My guy doesnt want more kids I was unsure. …I am very sure now that I dont want children. How does a relationship work when he emphasizes that I have to be ok with not having/wanting kids of my own yet he has them?? #Imbalance.

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liz
June 29th, 2014 at 10:24 AM
I can totally relate. I’m in my mid forties and I don’t have children. I’ve never felt the need to as some women. I’m in a relationship with a man who has three kids… under the age of 10. There is no discipline, they don’t have to do chores, the house is left a mess on the weekends they are here and they are allowed to use bad language etc with no consequences. I asked the eldest to help me put away groceries and he burst into tears and threw a tantrum. I talked to my partner about all of my concerns and somehow because I’m not the birth mom I’ve ended up the bad guy trying to run a boot camp by just wanting them to learn a bit of structure. Now on the weekends I dont even want to be around them… I have no say even though I live with my partner and I think his kids are brats and its sad because it will only hurt the kids future for not learning rules and structure. I love my partner… but the kids are driving a huge wedge now and causes fights because I have no say on any of it and Im the bad guy. I’m so frusterated

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Kate
June 7th, 2016 at 11:12 PM
AMEN Sista. Plz lmk if the outcome was good. Wishing you well.
confused
July 22nd, 2014 at 2:46 PM
am in a similar situation too. my boyfriend had a one night stand and he found out the girl was pregnant 2 months into our relationship. then i told him i would stay because he is my bestfriend and i cant imagine life without him. now 9 months into the relationship am feeling the strain, i cant seem to cope, it hurts everytime i think of it, it makes me angry like why wouldnt he just use protection. he loves the kid but i know he loves me too, we sometimes even talk of future plans together. i know i wanna be with him forever and i know he wants that too but i dont think i will ever be ok with him having a kid with another woman. the fact that the baby looks too damn like him doesnt help at all, and when i asked him to tell the girl he is in a relationship now, he refused and said he didnt want to hurt her even if he claims they dont talk. what do i do? am torn between sucking it up and staying… and letting go. i would like to pretend he didnt make that mistake (thats what he calls it) so much that i have told him to unfriend all my friends on facebook because i dont want them to know he has a kid. am i selfish or immature? please help me. am 23 and he is 27 by the way

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anonymous
August 11th, 2014 at 7:02 AM
My boyfriend has 3 children from different mothers.and I dont have a problem with that and I have accepted that he has problems..
What bothers me is that he never talks abt them or seeing them,and im not even sho if he is supporting them financially.or he is doing things behind my back.so this thing hurt me..what must I do?
Couse I want his to see his children and give then love not to panish them becouse of what happened between him and their mothers..and if he sees them I also want him to tell me..to be open about this things

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Angellee
September 14th, 2014 at 1:04 PM
HI,I’m currently in a relationship with someone who has 6 kids by 3 different women. I didn’t find out until 1 year into the relationship and by then I was too emotionally involved to turn away. I found out through someone else that he cheated on me with and I was devastated, and after 6 years we are still together. I have 3 children 1 who is by him and the other 2 he came into their lives when they was just 1 and 2. I’m am trying to merge our families together but its so difficult due to him not having enough money to take care of his kids and take care of our house hold where he lives. I do my part in taking care of my kids and don’t ask him for much of anything when it comes to my kids. 3 of his children lives with his mom and dad and they always say he don’t care about is kids and only cares about mine and this makes it difficult to bond with them. I don’t have much just enough to keep my kids decent and I don’t ask him to buy my kids anything. I have so much invested in this relationship and I can understand how your past catches up with you but I don’t want his kids to hate him and me and think I am the one keeping him away from his kids. I so torn and this relationship is a mess! I’m just figuring out how to be the best mother I can be to my 3 and now I have to figure out how can we make his mess a better situation

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unknow
September 24th, 2014 at 6:14 PM
By boyfriend tried hard to stay with me, however I know it is because his daughter prefers stay with her mother and he needs me. As soon she contacts him to stay together, he is much happier. I can do everyting I can to make him happy, but is nothing like when he is with her. I am not jealous, just tired of this.. I want to leave him, but I feel bad because is will be lonely, but I think is time to find a man who wants to be happy with me and feels that I am the his real hapiness, as well, he doesn’t need his daughter to get completely happy.

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Vanessa
September 25th, 2014 at 4:03 PM
I been dating this guy who has 3kids but 2 different babymommas, I meet him by his second babymomma she had invite me to her baby shower & 1st birthday but I didn’t know that I would have my eyes on him,Time pass by he send me a message by fb so I starting yo message him so I had ask him how is your babymomma he had said oh she there we broke up. So I we decided to talk more with exchange number, So she had found out everything she made big show & stuff … So idk what should I do..??

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jane
October 18th, 2014 at 12:15 AM
No one cares. None of my friends. My boyfriend has a child he doesn’t know. Im 23 he’s 25. It would be ok If he knew her. But its just some girl in another town with his kid and he doesn’t give two f***s or do anything about it. He gives this child no support. He seems like he wants pity from me. It disguist me. I love him, but I dont think this seems right. Suggestions?

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wanttobehappy
October 22nd, 2014 at 4:22 PM
I totally agree with the comment:

unknow
September 24th, 2014 at 6:14 PM
I just feel I am a step, it is because he has not choice, he daughter wants to be with her mother. He never has money to take to a restaurant, just cook for me sometimes. He wants to live next to her, so no way he will ever be part really of my life.
Today, he said he taking his daughter to a restaurante, amazing, with me no money, he has to cook at home, but with his daughther he can take her to a restaurant. I AM OUT. SICK OF THIS. I am not jealous, I just love myself enought, now.

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Melissa
October 31st, 2014 at 10:32 AM
My boy and I have been dating for 4 months now and one of his exes sent him child support papers and she thinks it’s his baby. Well a couple of day ago he got results back from the DNA test and it said that he is the dad..

What should I do?

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nicole
October 31st, 2019 at 11:49 AM
If she still loves him I would encourage you to speak to him and ask him what his feelings are of her. If he still has some feelings he should be with her because the child will suffer otherwise.

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sam
November 16th, 2014 at 6:24 AM
Omg well the boy I am speaking to at the moment has one daughter but I feel as if I will never be completely happy because of course she comes first and that’s very understandable. People who already have kids and they are not together with the child’s parent deserves someone to be with as well, no matter if kids are involved. That wouldn’t be fair but I still feel like its a disaster waiting to happen. My advice is if you can handle that situation then work it out, if it bothers you then just leave that person alone if you cannot fully invest yourself. Its all in preference

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Chiz
December 20th, 2014 at 7:18 AM
I would say you should go to find another opportunity. It is rewarding if you can handle but it requires so much effort and time… You have no kid. And you are young. I would say you should explore more opportunities and take time and finalize your thought…you might now know what exactly you want. Take your time

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Crossroads
January 14th, 2015 at 9:20 AM
My case is a little different, I just married my guy of 4 years I love him relentlessly but he has 4 children . The oldest he was very dumb and very you g , the other 3 are from a prior marriage . The youngest will be 9 soon and the oldest is 16 the other 2 are teens so not too many years left and even though we only get get them every other weekend u am starting to resent the hell out if them and him . I gave zero baggage , the kids are nice to me but not raised well at all they fight and trash my house and I feel like a maid I look forward to them going home… I know I sound horrible I am not mean to them and they love me I buy them gifts and nice things and even got a larger house so they had their own nice rooms . My husband wants a child with me but I’m scared first off being mom number 3 feels kind of scummy … Secondly he’s paying for 4 and while it’s not a lot and they are in their teens it is still things I wouldn’t have to deal with .. He has agreed we can move away in a couple of years as he wants a child he can raise from start to finish . I said his youngest son is more than welcome to come with us. The others will be 15, 16 and 18 so they can travel and visit during holidays and other times ( they never really bother with him now ) … I’m 36 if I am going to have a child I need t get in with it but to be mom number 3 gives me a crappy feeling … I don’t want to hear in being sfish blah blah as all of you on here with no kids could understand this is hard.. Anyone else feel the same?
Thank you

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Mae
August 30th, 2016 at 9:59 AM
I feel you…

I’m 32 and my man is 42 with 5 kids from 3 moms. I love him so much but I’m confused because of ex-momma #3. They have 4 year old kid and whatever she demands my man is running to do it. It’s so ducking unfair

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Liz Y
March 10th, 2017 at 11:01 AM
I understand. I have been dating/living with a man since separating from my ex husband 9 months ago. I moved in as more of a friend and it changed into a relationship. He has 4 kids with 3 different mothers (ages 17, 14- adopted from previous marriage, 6, and 2). I feel very torn between feeling sad because I always wanted my own (my ex husband was unable) and guilty because his kids are good kids. He says he wants to have one with me “someday when he is more financially stable”, but I feel I am financially stable on my own already. I feel very alone in my feelings, thus reading this chat blog. I just sometimes feel guilty for not being more understanding, but strong because sometimes I feel like I am handling it well. Sometimes I wonder if leaving would be easier, but scare of being alone and lonely. We had a short breakup and I didn’t know what to do with my time and felt very lonely. It is very hard to feel not important because I am not the mom. It’s like feeling like a tag along at times.
Lady
January 16th, 2015 at 9:49 PM
I am in my second relationship with a guy who has a biracial daughter. I have been doing my best to be helpful but as soon as I mention something in reference for instance washing her hands he gets very angry at me. He cancelled going out to dinner and he alienates me from he and his child. I then feel very sad and disappointed from this. I have an adult that I raised as a single parent and as a result she has no children and a college degree. I feel as though at times whatever I do it will never be right. He is not working and I feel like I am being unfairly.

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adrian
March 11th, 2015 at 9:12 PM
You need to leave his a** right away ..find some one that will see your opinions about his daughter as a negative help rather than an insult..

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gh
January 26th, 2015 at 4:34 PM
RUN!! I was in a relationship with a man with two kids. He was the most insecure person ever. After I had a chat with him bout my feelings towards his kids…the next thing he does is go online to find other girls. I only found out he cheated on my after 4 months he was in a relationship with the other woman. But anyways, it was a blessing in disguise.

I left him and came back to Australia.Found another man without kids, best feeling ever…coz you know you’ll finally have your own family.

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zzconfused
February 6th, 2015 at 9:48 PM
My bf and i have been together for 6months i love him he loves me there is just one problem his baby mama ive never met his daughter dont plan on meeting her at least not yet today he told me he had to be there for her cause she has unstable emotions that i can understand but when we first got together i wasnt told these things just that him and bm barely spoke so now you tell me you have to be there for her to now and it bugs me need a resolution my heart couldnt bare finding that he is pretending with her like their one big happy family excluding me of this info

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love
May 1st, 2015 at 4:56 PM
All women deserve their own families. Families were meant to stay together, not try to function splitting children, dropping children off like baggages on the porch. Why put yourself in the middle of other peoples dysfunctions, for a man that will choose his children over you on any given day. Choose a man that is choosing your child, not another womens child.Bravo to man taking care of their children, but its an emotional rollercoaster for the women getting in the middle of their unfinished business, because raising children is a life long commitment. My ex after two years of dating me didnt know he was still married to the baby mama, he was the primary parent and was recieving child support, be a day in hell that i will date a man paying out child support lol, i eventually left because our relationship couldnt survive that blow, unfinished business. Families is an unfinished business with commitment. She lied about being divorce and he stupidly believed her. What lies is your man believing from his baby mama or ex wife that could affect your life?

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Kris
February 1st, 2015 at 9:57 PM
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3.5 years now. He is a veteran and has 2 kids, boy 13, girl 7 i dont have children which forces me to be a stepmother. His ex-wife has full custody so my BF makes child support payments monthly. By court order, we get the kids every other weekend. However the ex often needs someone to watch the children while she works, parties, travels etc. Which leaves the children in our care almost full time. The shame of it is she tends to exclude the children from her travels and fun, for example she visited New York recently and her son wishes to visit since he’s never been and would enjoy a trip there very much. Her excuse, the son doesn’t deserve it. To cut this story short, the ex could be a more loving and attentive mother. In other words she’s in it for the money. Due to her lack of attentiveness toward her children this leaves me as the next best thing. I often have trouble dicipling the children since my BF was always away on tours from the military, the children have developed bad habits and poor manners from their mother. The children are starving for attention from ANYONE so they constantly fight, trash the house and perform badly in school. I find myself counting the hours until they are returned to their mother If possible. I honestly dislike their presence. My BF realizes they do need some disciplining so he tries to help, however his efforts come short. My question, am I wrong for wishing my BF didn’t have children, I become stressed when they are with us, and try to limit my time with them by scheduling more hours at work. I have too much invested in this relationship and I feel the children will rip us apart. Am I a horrible person for wanting just him? Any advice?

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melissa
February 3rd, 2015 at 7:44 AM
I’m 24 years old I have a man 30 years old that has two kids with someone else I have accepted that and accepted all the baggage that comes with it, he has the kids half the time it the deal they made in court and he also pays his support to her which also is agreed on in court and his ex isn’t really a nice person she’s just wants all his money and always tries to control him or tell him things and complain about the stupidest things like for example I took the kids to get there hair trimmed and she complained about it says that it’s her thing and blah blah I’m not their mother and next time he needs to tell her when I want to do things with them. But she has a kId with another man and she is with him now. My man and her haven’t been together for five years.so sometime I feel it hard to deal with her because she’s so petty about everything and I feel he shouldn’t have to deal with her petty things.another is that I find it hard to deal with is the amount of support he gives her I feel it’s way to much for the amount of time he has the kids he’s pays 800 a month she told the court that she’s on welfare and not working she’s a single mom of three kids but isn’t a single mom at all the man she is with lives with her and she also works under the table (I think) so I get annoyed that he get screwed over by her.we live together and we are now engaged I love the kids with all my heart and soul I treat them like they are my very own but I can’t help but feel that I am second best in his eyes I know this sounds bad and his kids come first like they should but I also feel like I should be coming first to seeing as I’m going to be his wife. I feel left out sometimes when there are playing and I’m stuck cleaning up the house and they don’t ask if I want to play or when I try to be a good role model I feel he just shoots it down hes says stuff like I’m there dad and there my kids I don’t no if it’s because maybe I try to hard to be a good second mother or what. Sometimes I feel i get to involved with them that I need to spend down and let him do it but I enjoy making there lunchs everyday I enjoy helping them with homework and I enjoy being a mother but I feel like maybe I try to hard. When I get involved with stuff with the ex and kids and I voice my opinion on in he’s gets upset and tell me it’s not my business but it is my business if we are getting married and it’s effecting us like the child support he has troubles every month because of the amount he pays and I tell him to try to do something about it and he says he can’t and it’s an argument and I get upset I fine I don’t care I won’t try anymore.then he calls me out on it and next time something happens and I stay anything he says oh I thought you didn’t care anymore or not going to get involved and it’d another argument . I spoil them beyond belief and my family loves them like they were my own kids but I feel like they don’t look at my family as their family they don’t call my family grandma grandpa or my siblings aunt and uncle and it kind of makes me feel like I’m not part of their family or they don’t look at me as their family and it hurts me and he doesn’t really seem to care to encourage them to call them that I have so many things that are bottling inside and I don’t no who to talk to if I talk to him he gets all defensive and tells me that I need to deal with it and get used to it because those are his kids and blah blah blah and I just really want to know an answer or if maybe I’m in the wrong for feeling the way that. He wants more kids with me and we have been trying for 5 months now and still no luck. will things change when I have my own kids? Will he even love my kid the way he loves his other? He always says how the kids are is whole world which also makes me feel sad because I feel like chopped liver shouldn’t I be his whole world too? the kids will grow up and not want to hang out with him one day so why does his whole life have to be about or work around there schedule why can’t he live his own life as well as be a great dad like he is and maybe I’m a bad person for saying that but I just feel like he evolved himself all around them and doesn’t do anything that he wants because of the kids I worry if he will he even be as excited as me when we have a baby together he has too girls right now and I know how he wants a boy so bad but what if I have I girl im scared if I give him something he already has it will not be an exciting time for him as it will me someone please help I feel quite lost

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K-lee
February 10th, 2015 at 6:00 PM
Hello

Well I let a man move into myplace with 3 kids every other week , and 3 weeks over the holidays and he wauld rely on me paying for everything. And domand giving separate gift cards with my name on one… .I got no appreciation for the mills I cooked and paid for and he only paid 100 a week . Was hard getting that from him.
He domand me to be with his kids at all times otherwise . I poot my business on total hold for him.I become so sick with kidney thing and needed to rest . So he done the right and loving thing and rubbed me for few days off and on. .. I was sooo thankful but only to find later he blamed me for his bad wrist and for rubbing me…. . I done all I can for that man and to give him a roof over his head and food on the table , untill one day I realised I was running out of money to keep bying food for him and his kids started out as 1 .. so I stoped cooking and hoped he wauld atleast by himself the meet he wants to eat with the vegies… .3 months of my life waisted. And I am still blaming myself because I didnt want him to reck my brick pavers by parking his 4 will drive truck into my back yard… .And for asking him to stay at his mums or friends 2 to 3 nights a week.And I still feel bad for being soo sick that he feltSo much I have left out.

The one thing he did for me is poot my cupboards up in the salon after I poot them together..

I am soo thankful that he done that for me but wish he wauld appreciate me in return. ..

… . :-(Sorry for any typos I am upset and typing this on the phone. . Sorry

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love
May 1st, 2015 at 4:43 PM
Ill tell you that youre young and to just leave, but youre in love and you wont. I will tell you that u will never stop thinking the text book thoughts that you think for a young women facing the decisions youre facing.Every fear that you are having, plenty of women in your position have felt. I feel like a third wheel, i will never give him his first child, the child will always comes first, ex would always be apart of his life, will he love our child the same, does he still love the mother of his child, will he ever sleep with her again (its not like she so repulsive that he wont..hence he has a child with her)etc etc it goes on and on. Its mental anguish, mental suffering, life is actually too long to face these fears, insecurities, and doubts on a DAILY basis. Its too long for the stress. Love is strong, sex is such a bonding glue it will keep u staying in a relationship u know it doesnt fit your spirit. I just pray for you women, hopefully you dont waste too much time before you get smart and leave.

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Jenna
July 22nd, 2016 at 4:23 PM
Hi Melissa. I know you wrote this a year ago but it sounds like my situation exactly and it made me cry. I’d love to know if you’re still with him and how youre doing, I am so torn with my situation. If you do see this comment write back.

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Nicole
August 21st, 2016 at 5:11 PM
Hey Jenna. I’m also in a similar situaltion. I’m wondering how you’re dealing with everything. Or if you even are anymore. I’m not quite sure what to do…
Confused
October 21st, 2016 at 12:01 PM
Reading all of the comments and questions, on here, has really helped me! Now I don’t feel so alone, in my feelings! I do have a similar situation. I’m in my mid 40’s, no kids, living independently and have a good job. I have been dating, for 2 years now, a great man! I do adore him! He is, currently, 48 and has been divorced for about 5 years. His EX left him for another man, the 2 girls, wanted to stay and live with him. When I met him and before any type of “dating” begun, he told me that his girls live with him and they are his 1st priority! He wasn’t dishonest, not one bit, about anything! I had been a step-mom, to 4 children and didn’t see any issues. So we started dating! About 1 year, of dating, is when I started realizing how things really were! My BF, is an only child and has ZERO friends, other than maybe 2 co-workers that he talks to, when at work. The things I started noticing were, there were NO rules, NO punishments (not that they are bad, just NO punishments for anything i.e. bad grades etc.), NO curfew, NO limits. The house is a wreck! NO ONE cleans and he just sits on the couch, on his phone watching TV with them, daily. If they want to go someplace, he asks NO questions, he gets the keys and off they go! The girls are currently 16 and 18. Over the last 6 months, things with his girls, have gotten, crazy. the 16 year old was put in the “crazy ward” due to “episodes” however, after a week, in there, “she’s cured” no more episodes (let me add that since I’ve known this man, this is a girl who HATES school! she will do and try anything to skip school). The 18 year old, thinks she’s “daddy’s princess” and wants to be treated as such! Daddy’s does whatever she wants. I have voiced my opinion, of course, he listens however, he told me that he will NOT change how he does things. The 18 year old acts like his GF, she always wants to know where he’s at, what he’s doing etc…and he just lets it be that way. It’s gotten to where, he won’t leave the house, he’s afraid to leave the 16 year old alone but lets her go anywhere, she wants, when she wants. When he’s with me, he’s totally distracted. The girls are constantly, texting, calling, wanting to facetime etc….it’s very frustrating. I finally had enough and told him that I am very jealous, I’m resentful and I’m fed up! I told him that he’s way OVER bonded with these girls and that he’s not helping them in any way by the way things are going. He wanted me to move in, when my lease was up, I agreed but just a week ago, declined! I told him that I’m never going to be happy! I will also, add that he takes care of his mother as she is sick and he still lets the EX get her way and SHE still has access to his house! So I told him that everyone gets the best of him and I get what’s left! I told him that I will NEVER be a top priority as I have 4 other women, in front of me!!! The sad thing is that I do care about him. He treats me very good. WE don’t fight. We are very comfortable to talk about anything and everything. I just don’t know how to make it work?? The house he grew up in and currently lives in, is his house, now and he’s told me that he will never leave. He’s let, his house, get very run down, very moldy basement, with black mold up the walls, his house smells like a giant moldy towel! He has ZERO desire to do anything, as it’s been this way for over 15 years! I am seriously just SO torn, over all of this. I do get along with the girls, however, I can see troubles ahead, should I move in with them! I told him that I will never live with his girls or live in his house! My last words were…..where do we go from here????
Kjayne
August 10th, 2016 at 9:53 AM
I am wondering how your situation turned out. I am in a very similar situation and constantly arguing with my boyfriend as he doesnt see that it is hard for me with the 2 kids and their relationship and feelinf lwft out and boundaries and decision making etc but i jst get told i have to accept he has 2 kids and thats that. He has been on his own for a long time and i feel he does everything his way no compromise and has no empathy or understanding at all

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Kate
August 19th, 2016 at 10:06 PM
If you are single, with no kids, and younger than 30, Total ally honest, leave. Things will never change, and YOU deserve 2 B #1. I’ve been in this sitsh with an awful b**** a** using a** x wife for over a year, with promises made to me that haven’t came true. When I ask him about what he promised, he says it is because that b**** doesn’t pay her half. Unless you seriously want to be 3nd or 3rd best, and listen to the reason that promises have been broken is because she has always, and continues to be a complete and utter p.o.s, than leave.
Thought it would change, doesnt…
Don’t MAKE MY MISTAKE!
lollipop
February 11th, 2015 at 5:29 AM
i’m 19 and my boyfriend is 25. we have been dateing now for 5 months…he never told me that he has a kid.One day my best friend saw him with a little girl outside of a mall and told me about that. On next day i was angry at him and asked why he didn’t tell me about the kid,but he said that he was too scared that i would runaway from him…through all this i still love him and he loves me…and i love his child as she would be ours. Life is so short so plz people don’t judge others because they have kids or no…judge them by who they are. Spread love and that’s the most important thing :)

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chocolate
February 17th, 2015 at 4:51 AM
Hay I’m 20 about to be 21 in may of 2015 I have been dating my 31 year old boyfriend he has 3 kids (10.8.and 5) now I like the kids that sweet sometimes but very aggregating everytime I see them…. Now I been thinking I’m a young sexy fresh women that’s about to be 21 I was thinking I got alot ahead in life do I really want to help take care of his Baggage I mean 3 kids is alot and then there older so that have a great understanding with there parents I really feel as if when I have kids in not gonna be first ugh every girl wants to be first frfr I mean all the things I looked up was young women don’t really wanna date a dude with kids….. Kids are bad nah really I was a kid once so I remember the feeling when you a kid and your up in age you remember alot more then you would while your an adult……. Ok but back to the story I really been thinking about dumping this man simply because of that……he has kids like I really can’t cope with that knowing if I have kids its gonna be my first and its gonna be his 4th child I really Hate the sound of that its not gonna be a special to him as it is with me… He shared that moment with his ugly ass ex girlfriend that was together 11 years that’s along time he had his 1st when he was 20 so I’m 10 years older then his eldest child now its a catch tho me and him been dating for almost 2 Mon now he already bringing up he want more kids before he 40 ok I lied and said well I don’t want kids knowing I do I jest hate that he has kids by this other woman ugh it drives me crazy I haven’t meet the girl yet face to face but I seen her like when he has the kids she goes to his house to get them ready for school because he gotta work child support eating him alive……. Now knowing me I don’t like the sound her still getting bread from my dude but I understand that its suppose to be for the kiddos…… Yea whateva the kids don’t get what that really need when I see them that look a mess hair everywhere clothes that need new ones and that have dirty faces like boogers and other kinds of ugh moments from kids now knowing all these kids should have some training about their hygiene no matter how old they are I get along with the kiddos but I hate thay always bring up momma said or mama did I be like who gives af what mama said or did I talked to him about how I feel about his baby mama I told him I don’t like her and they shouldn’t be talking that long to each other its not that much you can talk about kids the hole time at first I was like I’m not gone say nothing because that is his kids mother but I went thru his phone and he texting like thay still around so I went off and broke up with him because home girl right here (Me) don’t have to put up with that now he was throwing all kinds of how he got the second job and how he gone have her straight with this new money coming in….. And how he wanna be with her again calling her so me being me I told him in a loud Manner lol you can be with her I understand thats your childs mother now he talking about how he not going to do it again this and that whatever men say stuff thay know thay be lie about hehehe so I took him back jest because I said he tryna play me so imma play with him….. Knowing dam well I don’t want his baggage I mean 3 kids that’s not mine boy pls you better take them to the person that held them for 9mon and understand thay butts because I don’t have kids I mean I like that he is a very good daddy to his children I jest don’t wanna be second to no women like she can be like that’s why u got my leftovers or something like that like you right ugh I do and to kids you winning sista yes you are now she got a boyfriend herself thay been dating almost a year now…… But I like he a good daddy it shows how he would treat my kids but I hate he already has kids like dude don’t nobody wanna take care of kids that not there’s hell I can’t deal. ……. Sometimes I sit and wonder do I want to take care of some kids that where born when I was still a child myself. ummmm nah I’m good I’m 20 not 30 I really like the man but I need a man with no kids hello because it will be something special to me and him because its our first hell if I have a baby by this dude with kids its gonna be like oh I know what to do we did this . Or she always did. Or something in that order…. Ok I understand that I knew he had kids off top matter fact when he told me he has kids I acted like I cared but that low key send me the other direction I already told him in loosing interest in him because he asked I answer truthful no lies I was like yes I wanted to tell him its because he has kids but I wasn’t so truthfuly because I know that would make him feel some type of way like are all women gonna think like this….. But instead I told him its jest he work to much now I was watching a Wendy Williams show and she was talking about 20 year old girls with no kids we shouldn’t date a man with kids simply because we have a whole life ahead of us instead of helping talking care of a baby that’s not along even mine…… The world is our canvas we have a whole lot ahead of us she said let the older man go we don’t need him or his baggage leave him do it face to face now she also said he’s older now he’s gonna try to sweet talk you back in to dating him……its so much that I can say about this dating a man with kids thing its not for me because I don’t like the fact that your baby mother is gonna always be around even when I’m dead and gone I don’t like that face my man has somebody to tell him what to do and when he can do it if he’s not gonna be babysitting ummmmm no sorry sir but you missed out on a good woman because you messed up and thought your baby mama was the one ummm no you got kids that’s gone always be daddy daddy daddy everywhere I turn I hear daddy umm sorry sir but I’m not about to play momma and daddy when I don’t have kids I told him maybe he should get a women with kids if you ask me he being selfish you tryna get the girls with no kids in so he don’t gotta put up with other people kids hahaha very funny but dude you can’t go get a girl with no kids and try to make a family you need another women with kids that way y’all both accepting each others past mistakes by having kids boy you can’t be selfish and get a fresh young girl and get her pregnant now you her first baby father and she jest fall in line with the rest…. If you ask me he got her pregnant so he knew she wasn’t going nowhere boy you not gone get me like that…. Then you already saying how you want kids with me boyyyy naw I’m not gone get another victim of your long term life event lol I may be young but I’m not dumb to take care of another women’s kids girl get your own kids because I don’t want them anyways y’all know how ppl be like you got her around my kids I don’t want my kids calling her mama….. Girl I’m 20 you think I’m ready to be a mother yet? girl pls I’m Good But my question is should I stay knowing I do not want my child to be second is it wrong that I’m being to straight forward with him but I do need to say something about his kids …. He loves his kids he always talking about them but I find myself not wanting him to bring them up he hasn’t brought up the ex since I confronted him but ugh 3 kids if I date him and we get married in going to have to be a mother figure but hell it won’t be the same when I have my own thay gone notice that but I can keep going but I’ll stop

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lollipop
February 21st, 2015 at 7:27 AM
yo girl, i can feel your pain….im about to turn 19 and i know how it feels to be young and thinking about life…like am I doind the right choice??…i read your long text and i want to encourage to follow your heart. If you truly love the men who you are with, then dont let the children bother you…and you dont have to be the “mom” even after marriage….be just their friend or “dads bestfriend” …cus i bet that its enough for them to have 1 mom, their own.Still you are now just 20 years old,if i get you right?…you are at your best time…young,beautiful,smart,full of dreams.If you feel that you really can’t live that way..then follow your heart and end it.remember..sometimes in life you have to choose things that may hurt for a while…but in a future they would hurt even more if u wouldnt choose to act the way you act. so think,feel,put all your heart there and believe…you will find the answe what to do.even me…i’ve been thinking many things about my relationship (started when i was 18 and he was 23—last year lol)… we have different religions and many other things that try to tear us apart…but we keep on trying to make this work. many people ask me, why i dont find myself a guy from my school ..about same age and religion…but all I can answer is …I dont want to cuz i love him. I pray for you chocolate to be happy in your life and what ever you will choose to do it will be the right and the best choice for you :). PS..im sorry if my english is incorrect..cus im from finland and have too many european languages on my mind and english is not verry easy for me sometimes…

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queen
February 27th, 2015 at 4:28 PM
Please learn to write in correct english Before you turn 21.

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VeH
March 14th, 2015 at 9:27 PM
Hey!
I’m kind of in the same situation too.
I’m 21 my husband 30
I’m from Germany and got to know my husband one year ago..he left his two boys and pregnant ex wife for me. It was a huge risk for him he didn’t even know if I was really coming to the states. We just knew each other for 3 weeks in Germany..he was deploying there.
In November 2014 I finally came to the states and we got married spontaneously..his wife and children moved back to South Carolina..we live in Florida.
We thought we could be happy together and I really love him..otherwise I wouldn’t have come to the states and leave my family and friends behind.
But now it seems like he really misses his kids and it’s hard for me to support him because I hate that he is talking to his ex wife every day. I understand it’s about the kids but it botheres me. He’ll always have to pay child support and Be dependent on her just baca use she has the kids- so she has the power.
We are
Currently driving to South Carolina every month. Which is really stressful for me..9 hour drive there and 9 hour drive back..for only a weekend.
When we are there we are staying at his parents house with the kids and his mom always wants him to sleep with the kids( they are 4 and 6) so they can sleep alone very well. I hate that. I always feel so alone there. I wish I could support him but it’s hard for me to drive there with him and then not have his attention at all. His mom telling him what to do just because it’s her house. I love his boys but I don’t know if I can do it. It’s too much and I am only 21. I’m ready to settle down and have kids but we are never gonna have enough money and I’m never gonna have his full attention.
I just don’t know what to do. I gave up my life in Germany for this..he gave up his marriage ( even though he was really unhappy with it, he was just with his ex for the kids..they were living together more like roommates). But now it seems like we can’t be happy anymore. I can’t give him enough because I’m jealous and he can’t give me enough because he has a responsibility towards his children.
I thought I could do this but I am starting to doubt it. I love him so much though. It’s so hard to think about not being with him. Everything seemed to be perfect between us. Just his past is in the way
It hurts me too that he has a little baby son…I’m so jealous every time she sends him pictures and he feels bad for not being there for his sons.
I can’t really talk about this with anybody because I feel like nobody understands..

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love
May 1st, 2015 at 4:30 PM
With her being pregnant with his baby they were a lot more than just roomates, he was being unfaithful to his wife to be with you. She is not going anywhere, even after a divorce. The kids arent going anywhere. You will be dealing with her and the kids, you are way too young for that lot in life. Go back to your stability, where your family and friends are. That man needs to go back to his family.Dont waste away time, time is precious. Youre young now, but how long can you live like that. Go with your gut, youre not happy in your relationship thats why u feel the way u feel. You in some mess, some adulterous mess. It will never turn out well for you in your position.
sisters
April 3rd, 2015 at 7:33 PM
You will grow white hair before your time. Leave that man.

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stephanie
February 26th, 2015 at 4:55 PM
i have been with my boyfriend for 1 year and he has three kids with his ex wife (they married young) i am 24 years old and he is 25. for the first part of our relationship i moved to georgia with him, being that he is in the military. he then got orders to CT which is a lot closer to home and his 3 kids. the mother of the kids is very incompetent. long story short, she never registered their 5 year old son into school because of many unreasonable excuses. so one we moved into our new place in CT i made all the calls and made sure to register his son into school. so now his son lives with us. i didnt think its all through, all that was on my mind is ” this child can’t miss out on an education all because of his mother” now that the chid is loving with me and i havent found a job as of yet im stuck looking after him while my boyfriend works. i cook for them and clean and take him to school. the constant reminder that im not apart of “their family” hurts. his son is very attached to my boyfriend. we literally don’t have any alone time. he sleeps in our room. he crys for everythng, if his dad kisses me he jumps on him and doesnt leave his lap. my boyfriend doesnt have any time for us anymore. and i understand thats his son. but shouldnt he attempt to give me some attention? we dont go out on dates we dont sleep alone we dont cuddle, we cant even have sex without getting interrupted. this is one of the hardest things ive ever had to deal with? any suggestions or advice PLEASEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! S.O.S

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Meg
March 3rd, 2015 at 3:18 AM
Run away as quick as possible. Don’t waste time and jump over the ocean for someone who doesn’t bother jump over the poodle for you. Not worth it.

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Jennifer
March 8th, 2015 at 11:20 AM
Please keep me posted on your story. I am in a similar situation and feel completely lost as to what to do.

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Melissa
March 11th, 2015 at 6:04 AM
I am having a difficult time too. I have been living with my partner for almost 3 yrs now, he has a 5 yr old. I get along great with the child, she enjoys my company and trusts me. The ex was very difficult to deal with the first yr because she refused to accept me too socialize with the kid and therefore started limiting the time my boyfriend could share with his daughter. Long story short: they went through court counseling and he won the right to see his daughter more often. Following that, I was very helping with helping with his parenting by being available to help with anything from playing to feeding to practically being available whenever he could not take care of her: wheter because he had to work to him going to the gym. At first, I had no problem with it…but….3 yrs in it and I have the following BiG issue: my partner thinks his kid is my reposnability just as it is his. I completely disagree. I not only don’t have any parental rights, I also beleive I help him with raising the child because I want to, not because I have to, therefore he should be a bit more thankful and not see it as something I cannot refuse. We lately had a huge fight about it, he said he needed someone who saw it his way. I said I could not see his way: I refuse to. I want him to understand I am doing him a favor out of love and therefore, he should coordinate with me anytime he needs me to take care of the kid, instead of assuming whenerver he needs to he can just throw it on me without previously asking wheter I can do it or not. Sometimes I think he just thinks that sinve I am a woman, I should just be a mother eventhough the kid already has one. I don’t know what to do. It is clearly and impasse, and am very frustrated by it…
jeanette
May 1st, 2015 at 4:18 PM
Stop watching his kid. He doesnt appreciate it when you watch his child, because he thinks youre supposed to. He will never understand that you are doing it out of the goodness of your heart, but you dont have to. My empowering moment is when i realize after a few years that i didnt have to accept shit, i got to the point when i realize i didnt have to accept nothing i didnt want to. I finally got out of that unfulfilling relationship, you should try that as an option. If you not pregnant by him, got a kod by him, or not married to him; Good. You…Have…Options..
adrian
March 6th, 2015 at 12:54 PM
My situation is different.I’m dating a girl with 4 kids 1st and 2nd child from one father the 3rd from a different father and the 4th from me ..me and her have a pretty good relationship but sometimes argue ..I pay the rent clean and cook most of the time cause she works longer hours than me ..and wen it comes to the kids .I feel like I can’t say anything to them cause they get all sentimental and angry at me..and don’t get me wrong I never even raised my voice at them..and their mother as well gets upset wen I complain about the kids ..wen I tell her to tell them to pick up their stuff or put them to bed earlier because she lets them stay up till 12:00 am on school nights..what should I do ..pleassss hellpppp!!

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z
March 13th, 2015 at 6:20 AM
Hey I noticed you wrote this blog a couple years ago. I would never ever do this and comment in a blog or ask opinions online or do yelp reviews or nothing like that at all. Until now of course, after reading your blog “my boyfriend has three children and I don’t should I stay?”

I’m 24 he is 25 with 3 yougins and he lost his roommate so now he is going to live with me (not by my choice).

All I really want to know is if it worked out for you? Please help me get through this. I! Not ready to be a step parentm but I love him so much

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Amber
March 14th, 2015 at 12:33 AM
Z, Leave him. Don’t look back. You will find love again. Really, raising someone else’s kids is hard and he won’t have the financial ability to support you if you get sick or to contribute to any kids you have with him. Find someone else. It will be hard and it will suck, but if you don’t you will resent him and ruin the relationship. You will hate him in about a year. I’ve been there and done that.

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Veronica B.
March 16th, 2015 at 10:33 AM
I have with a man who has promised to leave his wife 7 years ago but still hsn’t something always comes up…what should I do…………….

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robert
March 18th, 2015 at 11:28 AM
Why would you even be with a man that has a wife?? What does that say about you? You can’t force him to leave his wife. That makes you a home wreker..and if he loves you he would of left her before being with you! And stayed with just you …you need to find a single man that is going to love just you…some one like me 😉 if you know what I mean ..lol

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Mae
August 30th, 2016 at 10:49 AM
Hahaha . Funny !

I’m still a victim of same problem. I’m so hurt just thinking of letting him go
diann
July 28th, 2015 at 11:46 AM
Ummm you should leave the man is married! If he wanted a divorce he would’ve gone to get one. Even fighting for millions of dollars and a large estate wouldn’t take seven years. The man doesn’t want to divorce her because he doesn’t have to, you are putting up with it.

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confused:(
March 23rd, 2015 at 8:36 PM
I’m young an dating an older guy that has 2 kids and just got out of a 13 year relationship. We been together a year now & I love him so I try really hard making things work. But his ex talks alot of stuff about me and even him. The kids seem to like me sometimes but than his oldest tells the younger one “remember what mom said or I’m telling mom”. & my boyfriend doesn’t seem to care that any of that is going on. Also when the kids come over my stuff be comes missing or cut up? I recently lost my nina and we were really close and my stuff I have left of her was ruined
And my boyfriend thinks it’s a ghost I’m so confused I don’t know what to do??
I need advice

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Britt
March 26th, 2015 at 10:38 AM
I have a similar situation. I have been with my current boyfriend for a year now and i love him very much. He has 2 children. Our first couple of months together he never spent time with them. Now all of a sudden he sees that he wants us to have a long future so he gets them all the time now. He wants me to be a part of there life. I have no children and am no where near ready to be a step mom. Im struggling on what the right thing to do is, because i love him. We never fight and i always get alot of his time. Its just i dont want to be a part of his kids life. So im not sure what to do. Pleaseeee help!

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janey
April 16th, 2015 at 4:31 PM
I have a very similar case.my bf & i were dating for over a year now. I found on out the he has a daughter. the daughther is with the mom in other country and i guess he havent seen them for sometime (i checked the passport no entry stamp to that country). And he never told me about it. And i dont think he has plans to say it. Its really disturbing. I am very disappointed.i dont know if i should trust him.

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lebza
April 19th, 2015 at 8:09 PM
IV been in relationship 4 6months now IV developed a lot for the guy nd Neva lied to him but now I just find out he has a 4year old son and dating the mother but claims to luv and not able to leave and I saw luv the guy alooot I cnt even get angry @him but I am afraid to continue date him…can u plz advice quickly cus now um in bad space nd um thnkn dangerously….

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The GoodTherapy.org Team
April 20th, 2015 at 10:09 AM
Thank you for your comment, Lebza. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

Warm regards,
The GoodTherapy.org Team

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lukes
April 23rd, 2015 at 11:27 PM
I have been in a relationship for 6 months now and am not happy my boyfriend is much older than me 24yrs older than me I am 21 yrs he controls me sometime and I really want to be happy I need a man next or a bit older like 5 to 6 yrs apart am tired but don’t know what to do pls help me

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Lonell
May 1st, 2015 at 9:15 PM
I am in need of a true woman who is ready to build a legacy worth the record books…. I’m 34 with a good head on my shoulders and simply want someone to talk to and understand ….someone to make smile…

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diann
July 28th, 2015 at 11:41 AM
Hi Lonell how are you?
Jenn
April 25th, 2015 at 5:02 PM
Hello im writing because im in a situation where me and the babymama had issues bc for the first 6months of my relationship with mt bf i caught him texting his babymama and we have had several issues.My bf said he only would look for bc he did not want to be on child support but at the end of the day he did get put on child supporT. We ended up back together and he stopped seeing the kid for a good amount of months. Now that he called to see the child she agreed bur demands that i do not go with.him when he picks the child up because she does not want me in front of her home. He told her that i would go so she neglected him to get him. The next weekend came and she agreed for him to pick him up but since she saw me in the car she started banging on my windown and demanded for him to bring the kid back. Now months have gone by and he hasn’t seen the kid bc of the headache situation. He misses his son and wants to see him but now demands me too stay at home and I disagree bc no child support ordee says im.not allowed she is the one who feels some type of way. What should i do?

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Donna
April 27th, 2015 at 5:31 AM
Wow, wish I had read this thread 4 yrs ago. Im 25 with two kids to my bf, who is 28, but he has 3 other kids to two diff women. 5 kids in total. He had his eldest when he was 19, then two with his ex wife & we now have 2 of our own. Both exes are crazy to say the least but his ex wife is a whole ‘nother level. She & her friends constantly harassed & bullied me on social media from the second I started dating him, bombarding my FB inbox with all sorts of colourful language & personal attacks on my family, to which he’s only just started defending me in the last yr but too-little, too-late cause the resentment is already in full-swing. She recently relocated their 2 kids interstate after finding her ‘soulmate’ online (They’re no longer together LOL) but now after a year of taking them away, has decided she can’t ‘afford’ to support their kids & has DEMANDED we take them. I have no issue with their kids but more with the arrangements they make to do with their care. I’m currently on maternity leave for our youngest child so plans are often made for the stepkids to come on sch holidays, spesh occasions, etc., where I’m EXPECTED to take care of them since my bf has to work to pay the bills. We can barely make ends meet with our own two kids so the thought of having primary care of our 2 kids PLUS their 2 kids seems daunting & only adds to my resentment towards him for bringing so much baggage to this r/ship. Any legal advice or procedures that are in place that force mothers to raise their own kids if they are mentally & financially fit to do so would be much appreciated!

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Anonymous
April 27th, 2015 at 1:18 PM
Hello all,

Me and my fiancé have been together for a couple years now, he has a daughter by another woman and we now have a son. While we were dating we would go to her grandmothers house for a few hours and see his daughter because he didn’t have custody. 10 months ago I had a baby. When my son was about 2 or 3 months old the grandmother who has full custody of my fiancés daughter asked me if I could watch her a few days a week. Even though I knew it would be very hard with my pretty much new born son I had agreed to do It for the sake of their relationship. I really feel like it’s doing more bad then good because I take care of our son 24/7 and his daughter a few days during the week and its getting to be a lot so I told him and we got into a huge fight. He told me If I didn’t want his daughter I couldn’t have him and things have been very stressful since then because we have a baby together. Now he wants to file for custody but at the end of the day I’m going to be a young first time mother taking care of 2 children and that is way too much to handle.Also I feel like he doesn’t give our son the attention he should because he feels bad that his daughter doesn’t live with us.I don’t know what I should do because every time I try to talk to him about it, it turns into a huge fight.Please help!

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Mr. G
April 27th, 2015 at 5:14 PM
Hey Guys,
Me I’m 22 and I have a 19 18 years old Girlfriend,
and i also have a daughter… i love my girlfriend so much, and i hope she doesn’t leave me just beacause i have a daughter from another girl. and i wiish that her parents can accept it soon when we get married. She is the lovfe of my life. Tbh. God is with us i know that.

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Rose
May 2nd, 2015 at 5:12 AM
Hello. I am engaged to a man with two kids from his ex-wife. They are girls. We love each other so much. The thing is that the girls are spoiled. They won’t do a thing or clean up after them selves unless asked. One is 14 and the other 11. At the beginning, my job was not going so well since i am a freelancer and I have ups and downs, I was staying the whole time with them and help cleaning the house and everything. The older one is a girl who’s so moody. At a moment she’s great, the other I just dont know wat to say. He keeps talking to her all the time how to change herself and etc. . She’s changing but with babysteps. Now the thing is that I am a hardworker and I am building my future day by day and he always keeps nagging to get a fixed job with fixed hours which i don’t stand at all. Every week it’s either him or his daughter who might do a certain kind of trouble. This week is about cleaning the house. He thinks that i should be helping him with that and I barely have time to rest my body. At the beginning i asked him to get someone to clean the house twice a week but he always says no because he has so many payments and his daughters are in a very good school and he has lots of expenses so each month he keeps nagging how much he is paying. And whenever we wanna go out I feel guilty because he doesn’t afford anything anymore. I am really tired. He’s also moody as his daughter and i dunno wat to do with that..

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LIL e
May 3rd, 2015 at 4:06 PM
Hello, ive been trying to see if anyone could be going through what i am going through. I started dating my bf a year and 5 months ago. Before we started dating he told me he had a 6 yr old son from a woman he had a relationship with a long time ago. Before february 2015 he hadnt seen his son for 5 years because the mother hid him from him. Once a year or so she would call my bf and tell him that she wanted him to take their son for one reason or another. But every time he got his hopes up and hopped in the car she would change her mind. He traveled halfway across the country once until she changed her mind. Now this february she calls and says that she is under a second investigation for child abuse and my bf has to go pick him up or else he would go into state care.

I love my bf very much and he loves me even more than that. Its funny how two people so different can be such a good match. So when he approached me with this i knew that i would lose him in the long run if i said i didnt want his kid in our lives. Even if it turned out he couldnt take his son back, i feel that resentment and guilt would have built itself up between us like a wall and our relationship would deteriorate. I felt mixed emotions, like a clown juggling bowling pins and they each have a name: fear, excitement, irritation, love, uncertainty, trepidation…

So, in any case, here i am, working a full time job, struggling to finish a degree while raising his son. My bf works 12s nearly every day. I cant remember the last time he had a day off. I usually work 7-3 and he works 2-11 and until 2am if he has to stay over for a 12hr shift, which, as i said earlier, is the norm. I get to see him on the evenings of his random days off and a small break everyday at work before he has to go to his own job. I find myself missing him alot. Hes very loving and understanding and does not take for granted what i and my family are doing for his kid. Without my family to help watch the kid i honestly couldnt do it.

Our lease is coming to an end and we have found a new, bigger place to live. I suppose i am in a place where im not sure im cut out for this, ive never ever considered parenthood of any type, but i always did tell the universe that if i ever had kids i just wanted to skip the diaper stage for the love of god. Guess i got my way ;p

In any case, its hard not to resent the kid who just turned 7 last month. Teaching him to read and write and manners and everything you need to do is exhausting on a spiritual, mental and emotional level. I love my bf so much and im trying to be the best mother figure i can be but i feel like i am losing myself every day. I feel lost and detached from the world in any case, i always have. Im an introvert by nature and sometimes being around kids or even their parents fills me with needless but annoying anxiety. It sucks when both the father and kid dont have much in common with me. Im more of a yoga, meditation, vegan gal and they are video games, meat and materialistic people. Sometimes i feel myself as though i am in a miserable state, like today, and i can just see the rest of my life unfolded before my eyes, watching this kid for the rest of my life.

On the other of the billion hands my bf is so happy and i know i am doing the right thing by helping him with this. This makes the smoke less hazy and keeps me going. I wish i could zap myself to be more like a mothers mentality rather than the selfish introvert grumbling inside my head. Wish i had more answers, but even if there was an answer, im not sure what it would look like.

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Luis L.
June 12th, 2015 at 9:41 PM
I am also going through a situation very similar to yours and I want to share it with you because I also don’t know what to do. I am on phone so I will get on my computer tomorrow and type it all out

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Anonymous
May 9th, 2015 at 1:03 AM
Hi i am writing to everyone. If someone can give me advise. That would be spectacular. I am 20 years old in a relashionship with someone who is 13 years older than me. My boyfriend is 33 years old. I have absolutely no children and do not want any until i am 30 years old. That is in fact if i still want any children. I am married to the love of my life and we both want a child or children. Conor to being a family for life. As of not i do not like children. I am never around them. I have meet my boyfriends children and used to be around them a lot. He has three children biologically two one 8 and 7. The other non biological child is 11 years old. The mom of the children is the most ridiculous person to ever meet. She is the most irresponsible,laziest person ever. Anywho my boyfriend meet this mom in college unaware she had a child of her own. The 11 year old now that my boyfriend practically adopted. He just wanted to “hook up” with her. He never really loved her unconditionally or even to the way he truly meant it in his heart. She gets pregnant and desises not to tell him until she is three months pregnant. He decides to have the baby because he is against abortions. He despises a year later to actually have another baby with her. Even tho he never wanted another baby. He has another one so that they could always be brothers or sisters together. He knew it was never going to work out with her. That is why he did that. She was physical,cheated on him in the house with all three of her children there downstairs playing. They never got married officially. They had a small ceramony. Only because it was pushed by the church to get married. The children below they got married to this day. Thy believe a lie. It is sad. Anywho the 11 year old he never legally adopted her. He took her under her wing and raised her like “his own”. What do i do i never want to see his children ever in my life. I am so… Young now starting out my 20’s. I love this man very much. He is my solemate for now but i would never get married to him or have children with him because he already has children. Aka “to much “baggage” he literally had to see them all of the time so what do i do? What can i say to change everything? “Besides not being with him” that is not an option.

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nikki s.
May 26th, 2015 at 7:42 AM
I’m 28 and I have children and they’re not in my custody but I live with my 48 year old bf and his two kids. Their mother also doesn’t do anything except cause problems and court battles. I treat those kids like they’re my own and I really feel for them but I see things from both sides having been a single parent and just a single woman and I’ll say this ppl need to be responsible for their own children. Yes everyone deserves love but its not fair to expect someone to embrace child rearing as u had to. Yes they should respect the children but they shouldn’t be obligated to take on raising them unless they want to. My bf goes to work and does the bare minimum to take care of his kids he wants me to take the place of their mother. His children don’t replace mine in fact they take time from me being with mine. Trying to talk about it with my bf is a nightmare. Children are ultimately the parents responsibility via child support full custody visitation etc. A romantic relationship is separate from that. I encourage single parents who have custody to consider maybe dating other single parents who have custody instead of just single people maybe then it can be equally balanced so ppl feel more obligated to share the responsibility but also make sure there is closure with the other parent before forming any new relationship its not fair to expect someone new to have to put up with the ex. Make sure custody battles are over too trust me I hated being in the middle of those and so do children its uncomfortable for everyone. All I’m really saying is don’t be selfish and inconsiderate be honest with urself and others and try to see someone else’s point sometimes. Then maybe the process of elimination can be quicker so u can finally find someone who is willing to fill that gap for u and ur children. Anyone who is in my situation my advice is be honest with ur bf or gf and tell them that the kids thing ain’t happening if they refuse to listen and try to force u to be a parent to someone and u don’t wanna for whatever reason just leave it makes no sense to subject a child to uncomfortable situations just so u and ur bf or gf can have a relationship just find someone more compatible or get over it period. Stop being selfish and that’s on both sides.

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Wise Gal
May 27th, 2015 at 1:36 PM
To alll of my sisters asking for advice that are in a similar situation as this, here is what I have for you. I will share my story of a two and a half year relationship that involved the most precious, adorable three year old little boy I’ve ever met. I love/loved this child since the day I met him when he was only 7 months old. I would say I love him like my own, but I don’t have any children so I don’t know how I would love my own. I will say that my love was very deep and strong for him and I was excited about a future of teaching him new things and being his “BeBe” (Bonus Mom). I would buy him Christmas presents, birthday presents, give him baths, read to him, teach him, and love on him every chance I got. We would play action figures and have a blast every time we were together, because I wanted to make sure he knew I loved him. His father and I, both 22 years old, fell in love seemingly at first sight, & I would travel the ocean to see him if that’s what it took. We were in a long distance relationship, I in Tennessee, and he Indiana. We met while he was in college in Tennessee, & a month later he had to go back to Indiana, but our relationship only grew stronger after he left. The distance was hard, but it was even harder knowing that he was in the same city as his child’s mother, who still wanted him back. She was in love with him, even though she tried to deny it, but I saw it in her eyes. She and I never had a huge conflict, probably because we didn’t see each other often. I saw her on my visits to him which were basically monthly. In the beginning, Bm and I were even friends, but that got to be too much because I was the awkward person in the middle of their conflict. I felt like I had to take a side, and my loyalty was to my boyfriend. I cut off facebook and phone communication, & I think after that she got a little salty. During our long distance either he would come and see me or me him for two whole years. he tried to move to Tennessee, but that only lasted for 6 month, because I felt he needed to be close to his child, or the child would resent me forever. When I first got into the relationship I was willing to do whatever to be with this man. I didn’t think twice about the fact that he had a child at home when we first met while he was in Tennessee for school. All I thought about was me and him sharing a future together. As time passed I began to see let him having a child was definitely a huge issue for me. I had mental anguish, stress, emotional roller coasters, fears, doubt, insecurities etc. the list goes on. I never knew in the beginning that I would feel this way, I thought I would be able to handle it, but as I seen the way he talks so highly of his child, loved and gave everything he could to his child, I couldn’t help but feel jealous and wonder if my child would be able to compare to his first child, his junior. Everyone knows that the first time you experience something so powerful, nothing can ever compare or replace that first born experience. I did not want to have everything regarding my pregnancy be compared to his first pregnancy. I began to get jealous that the baby mama had already given him everything he wanted. I began to get jealous that my mother-in-law had already gotten her first grandson, her first grandchild. I felt that no matter how much they said they disliked her or argue with her, she would always be special to them because she gave them such a beautiful blessing. Even though he didn’t intentionally get her pregnant, because she got pregnant a month after they met, it was still mental anguish because it made me think ” you obviously wanted it a little bit if you nutted in her”. I would think about them having sex together, being in the delivery room together, thinking about baby names, and forever having to talk on the phone in front of me about the child. I would think about then subtly flirting. I would think about them looking at their child and thinking of one another. I would think about every time I get mad at him or he gets mad at me would he run to her? I would think about the fact that if I was out of town, would she come over and drop the child off and they may mess around or would their feelings get rekindled after forgiving and forgetting. I would think about me constantly being in competition with this woman, because I always have to appear as the better partner, better mother, better looking, better cook, better everything. I know I didn’t have to be in competition, that is always wanted to appear better than the ex. It’s human Nature people! But it was a paradox, because I had to love her child and care for her child, and therefore love and respect her. Just pure insanity.!! They dated for a year after she got pregnant, so that just lets me know they did share some time together, and I just couldn’t stomach the possibility of does having a child together and possibly breaking up. This would make me baby mama number 2 and I’d have to be in her shoes. He was an amazing man gave me everything I wanted and needed, expressed to his family and everyone else that I was his woman and to respect me. But that did not stop the mental torment from going away. I wanted to stay in the relationship, because I wanted to prove to myself and everyone else that I could withstand this, and that the situation wasn’t as hard as everyone makes it out to be. But I finally had to give up and realize I deserved better. Even though he gave me so many things, the one thing that truly matters the most to me was to have a family. I was entering a broken situation, and I would not be able to ever have peace in that situation. I would always be in competition and somehow, feel inferior in some way. Even though I love this man deeply, I knew God would send me someone who did not have children and would not make me feel like second place. I know my ex did not purposely try to make me feel that way, but the circumstances of the situation would not change, and I would always feel insecure in some way. But now I’m excited about meeting a new man, I know more about myself, I know what my standards are. & I know to never date a man with children. Maybe if I had children of my own the situation would not be so hard, but now I know its terrible to have to try and create harmony and peace in such a broken situation. Kudos to all stepmothers out there, I read all the books, I read all the articles and I try my damnest to be a good step mommy. I’ve only had to realize it wasn’t for me, not a young beautiful, 22 year old with a degree and a bright future. It was too much baggage for me, & I hope those of you that aren’t supposed to be in the situation as you are and get out now and stop wasting time. You’re too good for it and there’s plenty of fish in the sea. If you supposed to be there good for you girl! Love your man regardless and stand by him. just follow the Holy Spirit, and listen to God! He will never lead you astray. Obedience is everything!

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cristy
June 18th, 2015 at 8:29 AM
This is such a similar story to my current one… it’s hard. Difficult to make that choice, do I leave or stay? I know I’m a good catch but there’s so much bad in this world It’s scary starting over. Everyone has kids it seems like. I’m in school, 23 yrs old, no kids and I truly love this man. I read your story over and over… I can def see both sides of this. One question though, which is also the difference between my story and yours, would it have made a difference for you if your exs bm wanted absolutely nothing with him but to just have him see his child? My bfs bm seems to have no interest whatsoever, she even has her bf as well. Doesn’t call or communicate unless my bf reaches out to see his son. I feel all kinds of insecurities though… but when I think about if my bf has ever given me a reason, I can’t think of any besides the fact that he left her and only a month later met me while she was still trying to work things out with him. She saw me one day and I guess realized he moved on for good. It’s all a risk, risk of me having a no good guy or me having a changed man who really just wants me… Will I be able to let myself be happy here? Idk .

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Carpe Diem
October 3rd, 2015 at 7:45 PM
Just the answer I needed to hear. I’ve been going through a very similar situation. I love the man I’m with and feel like he’s my soulmate, but it hurts to know he didn’t think about the woman he would marry in the future (since he clearly stated a million times he does not want to get back with the bm & hasn’t been with her a yr before she got pregnant, while she was pregnant & after) Now I have to suffer & deal with all the drama she throws at him since he doesn’t want to be with her. (Can’t blame a man not running back to a woman who cheated on him a few times) I’m 24, in school and still trying to get my life established. It’s hard for me to not think he’s my soulmate because we have sooooo much in common, it’s crazy! It’s like we’re strongly connected, but the relationship I have with his daughter makes me feel awkward about the relationship. I don’t have a connection with her because she’s not a part of me. I love him so much, but I don’t know if I should deal with the disconnection with his child, his bm still having feelings for him & her coming around and having to contact him because of the child. Makes me feel annoyed and crawls under my skin. Only if he just kept it in his pants for one more month before we met, we wouldn’t have to go through this. It hurts cause I love him & don’t know how to let go.

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Bianca
May 30th, 2015 at 9:35 PM
My story is one of it’s own just like everyone else. Please dont judge i need help i am going crazy!!
Complicated, embarrassing, ashamed and heartbroken that I’ve suffered through this for nearly 3 full years and still continue to.

I’m 21 and my girlfriend is 28… We are a lesbian couple which makes this 100 times harder for me…
I’m her first girlfriend, and I’ve been with hundreds of women. I’m a real sexual out there loving free as a bird sex addict, and loooove my lesbian and gay scene.
she has 2 kids, to 2 dad’s.
Has a past FULL of men, but claims to be gay.
1 child (her eldest, K.) is from a careless one night stand, the “father” was saying basically wanting to try have a relationship otherwise he didnt want it.
She didnt want a relationship or the father in the kid’s life, so she kept the kid fatherless before birth…. So no child support no nothing. Just her and a kid and welfare payments.
once this child was born she then found another man when it was still a new born, and fell pregnant to him 3 months into their relationship… This child, (C.) she does not have in her custody or in her life at all anymore due to being just careless and moved interstate to be with me because i originally left home to be with her but couldnt stand where we were living so i wanted to move; and she wanted to come.
The 3 of us live in 1 state of Australia, and the other kid is basically non existant now over 12 hour drive away, no visits no calls, nothing. And honestly im loving it, much better! Got me wanting more!! If she can get rid of one, then do it with the other. Right!?
Because it is her I met, and her I love… Not these kids… Not this baggage, not this embarrassing life story that gets ME judged for her fuck ups and baggage; Not this life of being broke and stuck at home and having to miss out on being young and clubbing and travelling and living it up because there’s a 7 y.o stuck in our care with LITERALLY NO BABYSITTERS AT ALL!!!

But this oldest child still holds a lot of baggage even without a dad in the picture; plus the youngest was still around when we very first got together. So that’s reflecting badly on my life… For her choices….
My family, my friends; even my landlord to our rental property all knew about the youngest and that she’s now gotten rid of her and doesnt see her… but then she just left her behind and stopped calling her and the grandparents that she lives with (father’s parents) dont bother with my girlfriend as they have obviously just gathered she’s a shitty excuse for mum and doesnt care.
So I dont know what to do.
I never wanted kids.
We met in a nightclub, flirting and always fucking and laughing.
Then this past and these kids and these fucked up stories got slammed on me. I been “dealing” with it for 3 years this August.

I want all kids out of my life.
I want my life back.
But I love my life with her. But i cant have it both ways. She 100% knows exactly how i feel about this and doesnt want me to leave, ever. Wants me to just deal with it and stick it out, because she moved for me and got rid of her kid to come here to be with me.
All choices she’s made.
Where does it leave me? What do I do and how do I do it?

I care for her and love her, but I hate HATE her life and baggage.
It’s her problems, they’re her embarrassments… I feel I should be left alone and that somehow something should go my way of getting my own life back.
But then I’m torn because I’ll lose her,
And our things together and the home we’ve worked so hard to build together.

I dont want to lose her but i hate kids :(((

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Holly
June 9th, 2015 at 9:42 AM
Reading everyones stories and comments has made me want to share my experience.

I have been in a relationship for almost 3 years with a guy knowing full well he has children. He had a messy break-up with his ex and she took custody of the children whom he has not been able to see for the past 3 years. During this time he has had his highs and lows and I have tried to support him, console him, councel him and be there for him in everyway possible. I have virtually spent everyday since the begining of our relationship rushing around after him to help him out and support him (as you do when you love someone…and Im not saying this so that he does that for me because i do genuinly love him)…

Anyhow, the eldest child has just recently got back in-touch and over the last 2 weeks has been staying over at my partners house. This has meant that I have not been able to see him as I usually would do and even for my birthday- he just spared me 2 hours (which hurt a lot as I had the day planned for us to go away)… I totally understand the dynamics of things would change with his children returning, however I had no idea that I would literally be shunted out of the picture with virtually no forwarning…I just feel like an outsider, like a peice of rubbish…I have no intention of competing with a child and I am genuinely happy from the bottom of my heart that he has access to his children and they are re-storing their lost years and relationship…but I feel really hurt and feel of no value now that all his time is being taken up by them….I just feel so low and empty without him and felt really hurt when I tried to explain that I miss him and he told me to take up a new hobbie like yoga!…I love him to bits and the current situation is breaking my heart….I feel guilty for my feeling and thoughts but dont know how to deal with any of this…am I just being selfish?!!!

apologies for typos- getting very emotional and tears aren’t allowing me to see the screen properly…

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Secret
July 30th, 2015 at 1:39 AM
He seems like a nice guy! Tell him you understand his situation and everything you wrote above explaining your situation say that to him. Also add you don’t want him to pick! But you really miss him because you love him. Trust me it’ll work, make sure you say everything you said to us let us know what happens -xoxo

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Secrett
July 30th, 2015 at 1:39 AM
He seems like a nice guy! Tell him you understand his situation and everything you wrote above explaining your situation say that to him. Also add you don’t want him to pick! But you really miss him because you love him. Trust me it’ll work, make sure you say everything you said to us let us know what happens

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Amy
June 27th, 2015 at 9:08 PM
My man has a 2 month old son we have been together off an on for 5 years, he didn’t tell me some random girl was having his baby but long story short I found out and he’s been playing a role at home saying he wants to sign all rights away and telling me I have nothing to worry about but the on fathers day there was a picture posted by his mother saying Happy Father’s Day to her son an a picture of him holding his baby which he told me he’s never seen personally and never wants to but I found out it was a arranged meeting at his mother’s house for them what do I do!?? I have no kids, I want them badly! Never been told I couldn’t have any just haven’t been the easiest to impregnate…. I’m 25… Thanks-amy…

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Amy
June 27th, 2015 at 9:12 PM
My man has a 2 month old son we have been together off an on for 5 years, he didn’t tell me some random girl was having his baby but long story short I found out and he’s been playing a role at home saying he wants to sign all rights away and telling me I have nothing to worry about but the on fathers day there was a picture posted by his mother saying Happy Father’s Day to her son an a picture of him holding his baby which he told me he’s never seen personally and never wants to but I found out it was a arranged meeting at his mother’s house for them what do I do!?? I have no kids, I want them badly! Never been told I couldn’t have any just haven’t been the easiest to impregnate…. I’m 25… Thanks-amy… First time using this sorry for me saying the same thing twice

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lonelychic
July 19th, 2015 at 4:05 PM
Hi everyone,
I’d like to share my experience and hoping you can shed some light in my blurry thoughts. I have been dating this guy for nearly 2yrs now. one year was somewhat in long distance relationship as we only see each other once a month but after a year, i moved with him and currently living together. We are not married, im 28 and he’s 38. during our first few months together, i told him that ive got a child, and he totally accepted that. but when i moved in with him, i found out from the letters that he is paying child support to a boy who is now 8yrs old. we were already in our first year of relationship when i found it out. its really hard to accept coz he wasnt straightforward about it. he said the girl she got pregnant was a random girl, i mean one night stand and he got fooled that she wasnt going to get pregnant. he doesnt have visitation rights but is paying child support. he even told me that there’s no way he would try and see his child. i feel so insecure, unstable about us coz i think he’s having a change of heart and look at knowing his boy because he is envious about his brother who has a kid. he didnt want to have a baby with me, but wants my daughter and his son in our relationship? im not sure if that sounds really right. he is even a meth user which he categorizes as recreational as he only have it in seldom months. he doesnt have a job, he is under govt support and not even wanting to try hard to get a fulltime job.he doesnt have his own place or house so we live with his parents. i love him but things are going sour coz of this issues. he has alot of baggage. we tried to talk several times about all this issues but seems like nothing is changing. he goes out over the weekend and sleep in with his mates. it doesnt matter to him whether or not he comes home. he says everytime that im not his keeper. i am struggling at this stage, im torn, i dont know who to talk to. he threatens be to get a ribbing if i speak to someone about his situation. he even tells me that he’s going to throw me out of the street. what should i do? he wants to work out our relationship and said that i should be more understanding. should i stay in this relationship?

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Secret
July 30th, 2015 at 1:35 AM
Well yes and no don’t let him talk to you like that. Tell him he has to be more considerate to how you feel. Also ask him you wouldn’t mind if he wanted to see his son or want his son to visit him on weekends, make sure you say how much you love him and that he can’t treat you like trash. Say he has to treat you with respect and stops threatening to throw you out on the streets because you won’t tell because you love him. If he doesn’t start respecting you leave him because no one deserves what he’s putting you through. Good luck babe. Xoxo

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Lou
August 9th, 2015 at 1:21 PM
Hi. I am 33 and my partner is 50. We have known each other for about ten years and lived together for two. I love him deeply. At the same time He has never told the whole truth about his situation and i have found out details bit by bit, each time leaving me shocked and loosing trust. This is why my family don’t like him and we are not invitert to family gatherings. He first told me he had one child with a woman who was bipolar and a drug addict, because she was threatening with suicide we had to wait for things to calm down before he could leave her for me. A year passed and i found someone else, until he turned up three years later and said things were sorted out now and wanted me back. First now did he tell me about his two teenage girls by another woman who committed suicide When they were todlers. shocked, but followed my heart and moved in. One month later by chance one of the teenagers mentioned she had a brother and sister in addition to the three girls living in the house. These where also by another woman and my partner said he has no contact with Them. The daughters have contact with the two other siblings behind his back and i Get upset When they are mentioned as the subject is taboo and i feel like i’ve been lied to. I have a burning wish for my own children, but worry that he has ‘been there, done that’ and i will have to have all the reponsibility. I also worry that it will be too much to handle if he suddenly wanted to have contact with the two eldest children as i have spent two years really struggling to be a stepmum to his three girls. I do almost all the work as ‘mum’ and he sits back and relaxes. He also has a problem with impotens and although he says he wants Kids i feel like he says this to Please me. We never have sex and he doesn’t see how this whole situation effects me. I don’t want to leave, but i want a family of my own and harmony with those around me. Don’t Get along with the eldest and she makes my life harder by constantly having her boyfriend over and never talking to me or helping out. Can’t see the Woods for all trees and am starting to have second thoughts. I just know that i really really love him and this makes all the logic in the world so hard to accept. Has anyone experienced something similar…???

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Phd
August 10th, 2015 at 2:40 AM
Please get out of this toxic relationship and find someone with no luggage like yourself to have a family. This guy seems to be a liar and an irresponsible father. You don’t want to have kids from him. Please run. You are young and can do it. Love is not everything and it goes away too. Sex is indispensable in a healthy relationship. Don’t settle for such a disfunctional person and relationship. Run.

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VeryTorn
August 18th, 2015 at 10:27 AM
Please, someone, can you help!!
I’m 24 y/o and my boyfriend is 33 y/o. He has 8 children from his past 15 year relationship. I have no children and have been told by many doctors that there’s very slim possibility that I’ll ever conceive and have my own due to health issues. I’m also bipolar.
When we first started getting to know each other, his ex had a restraining order out against him: nothing bad has happened other than a few nasty texts. ANYWAY, he had broken the order to see his kids and was “in hiding” as such… The day after we became an item, he handed himself in and did his 4 month sentence.
To cut a long story short, his ex has now abandoned their children, resulting in him having to move back to the house, and me being left in the place we’ve been renting.
He’s having to jump through legal hoops, which I am happy to support him in doing, but I have no time for his kids.
Due to my respect for their mothers feelings, I’ve kept myself away from the kids (it’s been a year and a half): they have a mum and dad so there’s no need for me to be involved. Now everything has changed and I have no idea of what to do.
I love him more than I could ever explain, but I just want things to go back to how they are. My brain is even more scattered then it usually is.
I know he has to be there for his kids and they are his first and main priority.
Please, I don’t want to leave him, but feel I have no other choice.

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secrets and lies
May 26th, 2016 at 12:10 PM
Hi…I am also 24 and dating a 35year old guy.we have been together for eight months now.the time we meet he said he has onky one child.i also have one child and I said ohk no problem,time went by and I always asked him to be open and true at all times.he told me that I can’t go to his house because he is an intelligent officer and I need to wait. A year so tht I can hv a security clearance first.i waited..so nw I found out that the twins he said are his couzins are also his,meaning he’s got three kids in total.when I confront him he doesn’t even show remorse,he told me im acting as a CIA,i got what I was looking for.i love him so much.he apologised and said he does not want to loose me..is he playing me for a fool??

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jess
September 6th, 2015 at 7:34 PM
Hello I am going threw a ruff time ..I have no kids and I just turned 33yrs my boyfriend has 2kids they get along with me very great the relationship has been foe 4yrs..when we talk about me want to form a family (baby)he said no that he has two already…but I don’t have none it ends up in a argument. .and he so quick to end us what should I do I really love him😢

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Millie
September 6th, 2015 at 11:13 PM
Hey Jess. I’m sorry you have to go through this. It’s not fair for him to deny you that joy of becoming a mom. It’s only been 4 years. You can still bounce. I know you love him but if you stay he might not change his mind and you’ll be like me. I’m 37 and I have 1 child. He will not agree to another. His children aren’t enough for me. We don’t even have a relationship. My daughter is lonely and although I’m still with him I’m left very bitter. I have countless regrets. You don’t have any children. He can’t even give you 1? Please. Do you and don’t look back. You deserve better than that crap.😊

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Millie
September 6th, 2015 at 11:22 PM
I really don’t want to be a downer but if you stay with him you have to sacrifice all your hopes and dreams of being a mom. It’s not right. Is the love thing really worth it? Love is definitely worth it but if he loves you the way you love him it shouldn’t be so horrible to make you a mommy. Who cares if he has 2 already. What about you?
cp
September 21st, 2015 at 12:03 PM
Ive been with my bf about four years. He is a single father of two pre teens. I moved in about a year ago. He said that he did not want me to contribute monetarily… just to keep the house clean, dishes and laundry done, transport the kids to and from school sometimes and cook meals. I work 3 days a week and still do all of these things. Recently his finances have taken a blow and he says he needs me to startpaying some of the bills. Im starting with the cable bi but he keeps trying to make me feel bad. He says he never wants to marry again… which i do. Should i be paying bills?

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Sheteara
September 22nd, 2015 at 11:42 AM
Hey there, well heres my story I was with this guy for 7 years and he cheated on me and got the girl pregnant, when I found out about it I broke up with him on the spot, haven’t spoken to him in 2 years since the break up. since the break up, he’s gotten another women pregnant, we just got back in touch with one another and now he wants me back, the baby is now here,one day old and im asking him how is this going to work, I have none, he was suppose to be my first everything, we were suppose to have a family of our own, he was the love of my life, but now im thinking do I want to deal with this mess and he lives 5 1/2 hours away from me, he would have to move where I am because im not moving back to were he is, I love him with all my heart but still kinda heart broken from him having a baby on me,now a second child when I don’t even have none, how do I deal with this situation.

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Anonymous a
November 9th, 2015 at 7:46 AM
Based on your story,you mentioned he had cheated on you and a baby was born as a result. Plus, got someone else pregnant during the time of your breakup. Leaving all feelings aside, I would truly suggest for you to step back and look at the whole picture. His actions don’t reflect to come from a responsible adult; moreover, are you willing to deal with a bigger chance of being cheated on again?
Sounds like you didn’t have enough time to heal and him being on the picture just opens up the feeling of being part of something. I don’t know you nor the circumstances but I see a lot of people focusing on how that relationship made them feel while ignoring and subconsciously sacrificing big factors that may hurt them at the end. I would only suggest to focus on you first. Only then will you make a wise decision and will “fight” for what you want. Ask yourself, What do I hope for in a man and future father of your children? Am I settling? Make a list on paper of things you want in a man (then see which are not negotiable)
Remember, everybody looks after themselves…Look after yourself first before making a decision. Give yourself time to evaluate what you want to include in your life and what you don’t. YOU ARE VALUABLE. Sometimes emotions block the reasoning and that’s when it’s wise to step back. A man WILL wait and/or respect your decision if he is serious about you. If not,then that would make it easier to weed out…in other words, not worth your time.
Pray on your decisions and for guidance. Best of luck!

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Smile
December 22nd, 2015 at 12:09 PM
Don’t. Leave him.he already cheated, he will do it again and again. He is not right for u, you think about yourself, yoir life . U will meet someone like you , and u will build your own family.

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Anonymous
September 24th, 2015 at 1:40 PM
My boyfriend and I have been together for six months. He has seven children by five different women with the two youngest being very young in age and have the same mother. I became pregnant a few months ago and although I was clear that I did not want a child at my age (42), he was also clear that he did not want anymore children therefore I aborted the child however I have since become resentful of him as he is head over heels for his two youngest children and why is it that he was so adamant about me NOT keeping OUR child. At the same time, he is currently going through a child support battle with the two youngest kids mother therefore she has no knowledge of his relationship with me. We were spending time together today, I mentioned that I was hungry and let’s go to lunch, his response was he needed to pick up the kids and then we can all go to lunch. Frankly, I was not interested in having lunch with them. Let me state that the kids do not know me daddy’s girlfriend but just as a friend. Part of me wishes that if he wants to spend time with his kids (which is ALL the time), don’t call me. He is a great father but has stated on many occasion that he wishes he could wake up with them every morning. Again, I am resentful as he’s told me that when the oldest of the two youngest was born, he and their mother were having problems yet the managed to make a second child together and yet he did not want mine. Although the kids know me as “Daddy’s friend” we have an okay relationship, although I don’t know if you can count that. I’m just tired of being in the dark. I’m tired of having to compete for his time but I do love him and I’m not ready for this to end. HELP!

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Rebecca A
September 25th, 2015 at 6:39 AM
NO!! RUN!! Get out NOW!! You are young and you need to find someone with no kids and start your life together. This will be nothing to you but trouble and a headache.

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cp
September 26th, 2015 at 6:34 AM
Thanks for the advice. Ive moved bavk in with my mom now. The only thing is, I miss him so much. I cant let go of the idea of it all. I miss him so much. How do I get over him? This is my first longterm relationship. I feel like a piece of me is dying…please help.

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Lee
June 12th, 2016 at 6:56 AM
A piece of you is dying. Let it die. I don’t say that to be cold hearted. I’ve been through it. It hurts like hell until it doesn’t. If you have this many qualms at the beginning, you will always hurt in the relationship. It may not seem like it, but a broken heart heals.
Rebecca A
September 25th, 2015 at 6:58 AM
To Anonymous.
I am in the middle of a break up myself. I was engaged to a man I had been with for 4 years. He got custody of his 4 kids a little over a year ago. And he never had time for me. Never made alone time for just us. He let all 4 of them sleep in bed with him at night and I was put on the couch!! I am still so angry at him. I supported him through everything! Even gave him money for a lawyer to help pay for his custody battle, went to court as a witness etc. The day I had to go to court my own Mother was in CCU in the hospital. We didn’t know if she was going to live or die. I asked him to see if he could get the court date changed. His reply to me??? I have waited longer than I am going to wait to get my kids!! I am not waiting any longer!!! So, I leave my Mother and drive 2 hours to get to court, I testify, he gets custody of his kids and he never asks how my Mother is!! And this is the thanks I got from him???? He got his kids and I was kicked to the curb??? I fell out of love with him. I know things aren’t easy for you. However, I do want you to know this, IT DOESN’T GET ANY BETTER! He isn’t going to change. So, if you are unhappy and your needs aren’t being met the best thing you can do is leave. I know it is hard but you will get through it and be a better person for it. If they want to be a Dad that is fine, but they don’t need to involve someone else if they don’t have time to spend alone time with them. It isn’t fair to you or anyone else that is in this type of relationship. I think there are times when you do need to do things as a “family” with the kids involved. But there is also time to be alone as a couple. That is the problem I was having with my ex. He wanted all of us to do everything together all the time. With no alone time for us.

And as far as him not wanting the aborted child with you, that would really upset me. I can see where you feel resentment. But honestly ask yourself if this is something you can live with the rest of your life?? If not you need to get out now. The longer you stay, the harder it is to leave. I can already see you are starting to feel resentment toward him and his kids. And it happens when they act this way believe me, I know!

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Anonymous
September 25th, 2015 at 8:37 AM
Thank you so much Rebecca for your insight and so unfortunate you went through your situation. You’re right, it is incredibly hard to leave right now but at the same time I am feeling disconnected from the relationship more and more each day. Mustering up the strength to cut out.

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KG
October 3rd, 2015 at 7:21 AM
Hi both Anonymous and Rebecca, I have just read your posts and I wanted to share my pain with you as it doesn’t seem dissimilar. I am also at a cross road, trying to decide what to do in my relationship. We have been together for nearly a year. I met him through an online dating site and we got together right away, and moved in three months later. I knew he had kids but I didn’t realise how hard it would be with them around every weekend, he has two little ones from his marriage, and two that live away with their mother but come to visit, or we all go for weekends to see them now and then. The kids are nice, very bubbly and happy as one big family. I was enjoying this at first but six months in the relationship he made it clear that he does not want any more kids as he cant cope. I was open from the beginning that I want children with the man a love, and it is my dream to had my family. I turned 40 this year and the time is pressing (which is why he initially suggested that I was putting too much pressure on him, he didn’t know it was going to be so soon). His obviously lack of desire to have children with me (he said we are trying but we hardly are) is in stark contrast with the love, attention, time and money given to his other kids. He said he wants to be with them all the time, and misses them when we go away (this summer we went away fro four weeks as my family lives abroad, this only ended badly with him feeling guilty eh is not with the kids). I have started to recent all this, and I try not to be are owned when the kids are in, I am in constants pain when observing his love for them, and I can’t stop thinking of the lack of love for our ‘unborn child’. We are arguing more and I feel increasingly empty and hard done by the situation. In addition to all this he used to be in love with a girl in America whom he met online, for nearly ten years. He left both mothers of his children for her. As much as he promises he doesn’t love that girl anymore, I saw he is till searching for her online every week or so. I feel like a fool who is trapped in love but this love is thorny and hurts too much. So here I am, reading blogs online, trying to understand what I and other people are going through..
Louise
September 28th, 2015 at 1:06 PM
I have read through a lot of these comments and couldn’t help but notice a similar thread…. It’s a cry for help – I sorely wish I had a book of life to advise and guide me but sadly I don’t – I think deep down every contributor to the original post knows their answer – they just need to be brave enough to follow it through. Dealing with step children and partners exes is no walk in the park – so if you are questioning yourself and they’re still young I’m sorry that today and in the future it won’t get any easier…. With little ones you are in it for the long haul – the poor little souls have been through enough so if you are doubting yourselves and looking for someone essentially to advise you of the correct path to take… I think you already (secretly) know the answers to your questions. Ask yourself – “is it love” or “is it fear of being alone” x

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Anonymous
October 5th, 2015 at 11:26 AM
I don’t know @Carpe Diem…..so let me be clear…he hooked up with his ex he had not seen in a year, knocked her up and has no desire to be with her after discovering she was pregnant? Her cheating on him in the past has nothing to do with him going back and having sex with her (was it unprotected?) and creating a child. I have some questions. Was it a one-night stand situation with an old flame? How long were the two of them together? Does he still have unresolved feelings for her? I’m led to think that, being as though he went back after a year and had sex with her. I know men can have emotionless sex however with the fragile man ego, when a woman cheats on HIM, the tables are turned and it’s devastating to the man’s ego and subconsciously, he wants to be the one to finish it. You also say “soulmate”. Have the two of you discussed marriage? You have to be the ultimate decision maker and know what you can and cannot tolerate and being as though this child is young (how old is she now?) this is going to be a long-term/FOREVER situation. I know it’s cliche, but you are young and have plenty of life left to live. With that, you have more love to give to someone who does do not have that drama in their lives. All the best!

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Matteo
November 9th, 2015 at 7:04 PM
I’m a father of two, my ex and I split after she cheated and decided that she wanted to be with the other guy. I can’t say a lot of these comments are all that positive. I’m sure many of you have had issues and for that I’m truly sorry. I think there’s a lot of stigma about single parents, even more so for the men than the women. Any partner I’ve had (two since my ex) I’ve treated with the utmost respect, kindness and consideration. Some people it’s true are pretty scummy but those who aren’t should they really be dumped in with the rest? Should someone like myself who pays child support, love his kids, works hard, and loves his partner, bringing them into the family activities only as long as they feel comfortable really have it be said that others you (the general public) should stay clear? I hope I’ve brought some light to this conversation. I would say for those who aren’t in a truly loving, committed relationship, they should back out but everyone has doubts at least once in their lives.

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CAROLINE G
November 17th, 2015 at 3:57 PM
My boyfriend is 33 and I’m 20. He has 3 children with three different women, and a possible 4th child on the way with his last child’s mother. We have been together going on 6 months. I love him so much, and I can imagine myself being with him forever. My question is should I feel the need to rush and have kids? He’ll be 40 six years. As far as his children are concerned he is wanting to get custody of his youngest child (2) and I’ll be thrown into being a mother to his youngest and possibly the 4th child thats not here yet. I may be pregnant as well, which we also talked about. He says he’s happy about me possibly being pregnant, and I would love nothing more than to have a child, but I’m kind of scared. I’m not looking for rude comments, I’m just looking for either a same situcommenand understanding comments and helpful advice. I love this man with all my heart, and I plan on being with him. So just let me know your thoughts.

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Notgood
November 26th, 2015 at 6:10 AM
I’m 23 and I’m in a relationship with a man who is 35. He has two kids by two different women, and he talks about his ex-wife all the time. We socialize with her because we have to for the sake of his ten year old and she seems nice enough but he is bitter because she has a new husband and another kid. The other child is with a girl that he was with when she was my age. She tried to save the relationship by getting pregnant. They have a three years old now. When we socialize, she constantly mutters insults and terrible things under her breath about being a terrible father. And then there is me, I don’t have any children but I want one or two and he doesn’t seem to want to entertain the idea. Today is that Thanksgiving in America and it couldn’t be more awkward. I dont know what to do. His plan to go see his kids during the holidays. Which I understand but I brought up that he should alternate holidays so it’s a little less ridiculous as far as travelling is concerned and maybe he wouldn’t be in such a pickle if he had a house, we live in an apartment, and he has his own family dinner. He basically said that he wouldn’t want to deal with more people. Basically stating that he doesn’t want to try to make the holidays easier for me. That he doesn’t care to make an effort with me. I’m trapped because I wanted this relationship so badly and now that I have it, I’m hoping that I can leave without too much backlash. I can’t take it anymore. I want my own family. Things don’t have to be this complicated and I don’t want them to be.

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Millie
December 6th, 2015 at 8:45 AM
Hello not good,

I know exactly how you feel. I’ve been in a horrible situation myself for a very long time. I don’t know this guy but it sounds like he is selfish. You’re only 23 years old. You can’t waste your life catering to him and his kids for much longer. Trust me baby it’s not worth it. You shouldn’t accept less than you deserve because you’ll be 33 with the same problem. Try talking to him. If he’s not willing to listen try counseling. Now if that doesn’t work leave. Don’t remain faithful and dedicated to someone that doesn’t care about what you need. You are special and he needs to understand that someone can take his place easily. You should be enjoying your young life right now. This dude is my age. Why is wasting your time is the real question. I’m not suggesting that you leave without a fight. Try your best and if it’s not enough say goodbye before it’s too late. Good luck hunni.

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Purity Mdlovu
November 30th, 2015 at 11:26 PM
Hey guys.I’m a 20 year old gal dating a 22 year old guy.we’ve been together for only 3 weeks. I lv him a lot nd he claims 2 love me 2. At 1st he told me he has 1 child with her ex g.f nd I accepted dat. Then yesterdai he told m he has onother 2 children frm different mothers he says it was one nyt stands 2 both this othr 2 kids nd blame it on alcohol.He says he ddn’t tell me bcoz he was scared of losing. I dn’t knw wat to do gyz plz help nd he is my 1st love.

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Millie
December 6th, 2015 at 8:54 AM
I feel like this is just the beginning so great he confessed about the kids! Now you need to find out if he made some mistakes or he’s just aimlessly making babies all over the place. Everybody makes mistakes. At least he was honest. You two can continue a happy relationship if he continues his honesty. I hope you can work it out in the name of love girlfreind!!!

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sharls
December 5th, 2015 at 12:34 PM
Hi all i need sum advise I have read everyones comment and am in a similar situation me n my bf have been dating for 3 years and he has a daughter that is living with his mum and i love him so much and the life we built and i knew his daughter was eventually going to live with us after a few years but he wants her 2 move here next year but i am not ready and after sum thought i realised i dnt want kids as i want to concentrate on my career and want to travel and i just bought a home so my priorties are truly else where and i dnt want her to come here and i can not give her wat she deserves and that iz nt fair to her pls help

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Millie
December 6th, 2015 at 8:30 AM
Hi Sharls,

Unfortunately there’s no real way around this one. That’s his daughter so he will naturally want her around him. If you love him you have to fully accept his child. If you can’t do that then you have to move on. You’re not her mother but if you’re going to be around her it would be nice if you could treat her like she is your daughter. I know you love him so it’s going to be a hard decision. Good luck to you hunni. Express your worries about this to him with love and understanding. Just pray about it and I’m sure things will work itself out. God bless.

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DreamLover
December 6th, 2015 at 7:22 PM
Hello! I’m 21,been with my boyfriend for 8 months. He’s sweet, kind, everything that I asked for. But there’s one problem, he’s 32. He hasn’t met my family yet because I’m afraid of the age thing. We also want to have a family but I’m afraid that I’m not situated. I’m also a college student, but this baby situation is hurting me more. I love kids and I know he’ll be a great father. He doesn’t have children yet because he was once engaged. Right now I’m confused about some things. I told him before we have a child both of us have to be situated, focus on both positives and negatives. Advice from anyone please??

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Tyler
December 8th, 2015 at 1:48 PM
Hey guys, I’m 26. I’ve been dating this guy for 2 1/2 years. I love him to pieces. There are ups and downs in the relationship, but we work through them. He’s literally my best friend. He has two kids by two different people. He is trying to get full custody of oldest because of custody issues. I do not have kids, and am not looking to have any soon. Having the kids over every once in a while is nice, as I do love them. But I didn’t sign up to be a full time step parent. What am I to do? I LOVE him.

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Smile
December 22nd, 2015 at 12:02 PM
Hi All. . I was looking at all these posts, how many of us here trying to find a right and hard decision to make.
I hope we find it.
Every day I ask myself what to do with my relationship.
My boyfriend is 34yo, has 2children.we are together already 2,5 years. Even we know that we love each other so much, he doesn’t want to marry me (maybe it can happen in 5years ) and he doesn’t want to have kids from me. He never mentioned to have baby from me. Never. And I asked him , he doesn’t want it.
I don’t want to be selfish I am sorry but seeing him with his kids it Hurts Me A Lot. Why me? What did I do in my life to deserve it? He seems them once a week, I come with him only if I want. Thing is.. I don’t know if I want kids now, I mean this situation makes accept that maybe I do not need family, but I want to have an option in my life, marry someone who I love, and maybe have kids who knows. Its seems that I do not have this choice.
He says I should enjoy life, enjoy the day…but I think about future. I can’t imagine future. He will be always attached to his kids, even they will grown. I can’t accept them, it is not their fault, but he will have something that I wouldn’t have decide. Plus in 3 or 4 years I will move back to my country, I see myself leaving there. But even he says he loves my country, and he d love to move when he will be older but not in 3 years. I understand him, I d stay where my children are and not follow my partner. From experience of my mum, I know that a parent will do anything for their kid.
I don’t know what to do.

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The GoodTherapy.org Team
December 22nd, 2015 at 12:09 PM
Dear Smile,

We here at GoodTherapy.org are not qualified to offer professional advice, but we do encourage you to return to our homepage, https://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area.

Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

Kind regards,

The GoodTherapy.org Team

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Millie
December 22nd, 2015 at 6:07 PM
Hey smile, I don’t think you need a therapist for this. You need to leave this man because you obviously want kids. That’s so unfair to yourself to accept a man who will not give you that choice of being a mom. I speak from experience. Unless you’re willing to put your dreams and hope aside for someone else leave. It’s actually early in the relationship. Please do talk to him and try tomske him understand how you feel. If he doesn’t get it leave. Trust me you will live a life of regrets if you choose another persons happiness over yours. God bless you sweetheart. Good luck.

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Smile
December 24th, 2015 at 1:29 AM
Hi Millie. Thank u for your reply.
I m struggling a lot.
When we are together I am the happiest girl in the world. But when I realise he has kids, or he mentions them, or call them I feel like I am on the side…
I know right decision for me is to leave.
I just need to be strong.
Thank u Millie
Confused
December 23rd, 2015 at 2:04 AM
Hi there, wondering if I can please get some advice.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for only 7 month, we’re both in our 30s. We’ve had a whirlwind romance, fell totally in love with each other and moved in together in that time. Soon after I moved in he confessed that he had been contacted by a one night stand claiming he was the father of her 2 year old child but worse that she contacted him 4 months before we met.
He has said that he was initially getting bad advice and the people he confided in told him to forget about it and that seems to be what he did, buried it to the back of his head. Then she contacted him asking about family medical history out of the blue which made the situation real for him so he confessed to me and his family. He has since completed a DNA test which confirmed he was the father.
The problem is that I am not dealing with the situation, I feel utter resentment toward the mother as she did not contact him during the pregnancy or while the child was a baby she says that all she wants is to give updates on them and to be able to tell the child who her father is when she asks but is that really all she wants? My boyfriend wants updates etc. but I feel uneasy with the fact that he will be in regular contact with the woman who has ruined our happy time. I feel jealously that she has what I eventually want with him and that it came from a one night stand and that I have always tried to go the right way about things putting off having a family until I found the one I truly love which I believe to be him…
I really don’t want to lose him I believe that if this didn’t happen we would have had everything together but now I am unsure as the jealousy is blinding me, any help would be greatly appreciated.

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Jamie
December 29th, 2015 at 10:23 AM
Wow!!! In a similar situation and I feel exactly like you!!!!! Ugh it’s a shame when you wanna go abut things the right way an messy situations interrupt your awesome morally right plans!

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L
December 27th, 2015 at 7:59 AM
Mine has 4 kids with 2 other women. I want kids of my own some day and I know at 40 something he is done having kids. I am seriously thinking about leaving him. I also don’t have a say in him visiting the kids mom’s but I feel sickened everytime I think about him possibly getting back together with them.

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Caroline G.
December 27th, 2015 at 12:03 PM
How old are you?

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Caroline G.
December 27th, 2015 at 12:07 PM
My boyfriend is 33 and I’m 20. He has 3 children with three different women, and a possible 4th child on the way with his last child’s mother. We have been together going on 7 months. I love him so much, and I can imagine myself being with him forever. My question is should I feel the need to rush and have kids? He’ll be 40 six years. As far as his children are concerned he is wanting to get custody of his youngest child (2) and I’ll be thrown into being a mother to his youngest and possibly the 4th child thats not here yet. I may be pregnant as well, which we also talked about. He says he’s happy about me possibly being pregnant, and I would love nothing more than to have a child, but I’m kind of scared. I’m not looking for rude comments, I’m just looking for either a same situcommenand understanding comments and helpful advice. I love this man with all my heart, and I plan on being with him. So just let me know your thoughts.

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QueenKEy
December 27th, 2015 at 10:47 PM
Hello Everyone I will like to share my story with you all, after reading these posts I realize I am in a very similar situations as well. I am 27 my boyfriend is 35. I have 6 year old son and he has 2 kids by his ex wife 8 year old daughter and a 13 year old son. We have a 1 year old baby together. When I met this man I knew he had kids but I didn’t knew their mother was unfit. He is a great father to his kids but sometimes I think he does way to much he do things that the mother should be doing. I’m not trying to be selfish or anything but its becoming a problem. He talks to his daughter 24/7 I mean she calls his phone all day. WE cant even spend time together because of his daughter not trying to sound mean and his ex wife OMG she’s rude, she harass me on social media, she gives me a bad name and he doesn’t say anything he doesn’t standup for me. He brings the kids over all the time they have a bad odor and their appearance it’s just sad. I have 2 kids myself a 1 year old and a 6 year old I mean I like his kids but when he brings them they leave apartment nasty, they don’t clean behind themselves and he just sit there and don’t say anything sometimes he leaves and when I do say something to his kids he has a problem with it. They always starting arguments with my 6 year old and he says nothing. I loves this man deeply when I first met this man I felt like he was the best thing that ever happen to me but love can put you in some dangerous situations. We always talk about getting married, but do I want to be married to his kids also. I understand I have 2 kids of my own and one is his, but his other 2 that he has by his ex wife they are terrible and he doesn’t discipline them. Do I want to put up with this for the rest of my life? Am I’m wrong for feeling this way? Will someone please help and give some advice Thanks!

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smile
December 28th, 2015 at 3:09 PM
hi QueenKEy.
i just want some advise from you cuz you were in my situation…. how is having a baby with a man you already has 2 children? i am in relationship with a guy who has 2 children from ex gf but he doesnt want to have any from me.
now i am asking myself if i am really want a child from this guy. cuz I know it will never be a perfect family, his children from previous relationship will always be THERE, in a middle of OUR LIFE.
I just want prevent something that can hurts me a lot.
I understood now that sometimes LOVE is not enough.
is it like that?

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QueenKEy
December 28th, 2015 at 9:20 PM
Hi Smile
Having a baby by him there are advantages and disadvantages he is the perfect father to our son well to his other t kids also, but like you said it will come between the family that you are trying to build cause he will have to deal with his other kids, and in my situation their mother does a very poor job at caring for them because she’s mad because he left due to her dug abuse. I wish would have waited to have a kid by him but I didn’t know I love my our son with all my heart but this is something you really want to think about doing speaking from experience. Sometimes I feel like he always put them first because of their situation with their mom and it makes me feel jealous sometimes because he don’t give our son that much attention as he gives them. You know it always that second feeling and they are his kids and they are not going anywhere no time soon I always think about our future if we stay together. His daughter for example who calls him all day stays on the phone with him 24/7 even while he is at work, it gets very annoying so my advice to is take it slow and just think if you want a baby by this guy who’s not willing to give a baby do you want him to treat his kids better than the baby you and him will have together. I am in this situation and it is not a good feeling trying to get out of this I mean I love this guy with all my heart but at the end of the day I love my kids and myself first I didn’t settle for this, I knew he had kids but I didn’t know everything was going to be like this in my situation I learned the hard way. Follow your heart sweetie if you feel that a baby will bring happiness to you guys relationship and that he may be a great father well you can take that into consideration but if he’s not willing to have a baby with you maybe GOD is telling you something. GOD was trying to tell me something but I didn’t listen. I hope this helps.

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smile
December 29th, 2015 at 4:38 PM
Dear QueenKEy, thank you for telling your experience…. it s very helpful.
my bf tolf clearly 2 days ago, that he doesn’t want children anymore. he has ENOUGH, he said.
i am just feeling like a carpet, just used. for me, I believe in Love, Marriage and Family. I always was serious in my all relationships… He told me straight in the beginning he had children, but I couldn’t understand how hard it can be accepting them. I am so jealous when he is specially with his daughter, sometimes he says something nice to her as he used to say to me, I just get crazy, but obvious I don’t tell him, cuz I know it s his daughter, and it is all in my mind. he needs to be as he is with his kids, a real father, and I do not want to ruin their relationship.
but… WHO will think about WHAT I WANT?
from what I read here, and from other website, and from real life,…. that LIFE is not perfect, WE built OUR lifes, God had put inside us a view of PERFECT family, a husband, a wife and children. if something goes wrong, like what we are talking about, a ruined family with children who live in between 2 different families, 4 different parents, so everything goes wrong… each person in this situation will suffer. Some people they are strong, but some are less strong to accept it.{like me} I love him a lot… but I think I can’t deal with it anymore…. and maybe I really do not want a baby with him, I just will suffer more… till know I believed that nothing can stops LOVE, but I just was wrong.

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QueenKEy
December 29th, 2015 at 8:57 PM
Yes I totally agree with you everyone will suffer LOVE MARRIAGE AND FAMILY is something that they already had because of a previous marriage and kids and you will not get all the attention you want from him because they will always come first. Some women are STRONG but I’m not I barely have patience with my 2 kids and plus his 2 who he treat differently. I cant settle with this and the disrespect from his Ex it just nothing that I want to go through with in life. Leaving him is going to be the hardest thing for me to do but at the same time it best for me and my future. For now on if I date a guy with kids I’m running even though I have 2 oh well or I will stay single. Being lonely is best than being stressed lol. Thanks SMILE for sharing your experience with me. Thank GOD im not the only who feels like this.

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Love
January 24th, 2016 at 5:05 PM
In a relationship with a man he’s 43 and im 27. We been together for two years im in love with, but he have 5 kids. Also i meet them three time. But whats making it so hard to deal with is he has cheated on me with his babymother.and i want kids of my own i have one but i want my own so how or can i ever be with a man who has 5 kids from three different babymothers please help

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Smile
January 25th, 2016 at 10:24 PM
Dear, just leave him ! He has cheated on you, so it can happen again, think about yourself.

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Yange
January 27th, 2016 at 3:16 PM
Hi guys! I am 29 and currently studying in another country. I have a girlfriend who is also from the same country where I come from studying with me. We have bee dating for 2 years now. I only told her that I have one child, but didn’t tell her about the other child, a 5 year old boy, my first born. She only knows the younger one. They are both from the same mother. The thing is I couldn’t believe it when my ex told me that I was the father of her baby. He had no resemblance of me at all when he was young. We broke up. I started paying her visits to see my kid. We got back again. She lied to me that she was taking morning-after-pills. Our relationship got really bad. She wouldn’t allow me to hang around with my budies at all. Too many arguments evryday. We broke up again. Later she told me she was pregnant again with my baby. Ok…thats just a short description of my life. My new girlfriend loves my daughter so much, she bought her some gifts last time when I went for holiday. I love her so much, I want to marry her one day. I don’t know what and how I can tell her about my other child. Am afraid she might leave me. Should I wait and only tell her when we about to get married? If she leaves me, I think I will just stay with my two kids and look for a maid, I don’t think I will ever look for another woman.

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Smile
January 27th, 2016 at 9:03 PM
Hi Dear,
As from my point of view, you should tell her now, you are both adults, so it is better if you are honest to each other from the beginning of your relationship. Otherwise it will get too complicated after when you will marry her.
I know you are afraid that she can leave you, but as you said she loves your younger daughter so maybe it s not so bad and she will understand your situation.

;)

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Anonymous
March 16th, 2016 at 12:36 AM
I’ve read most of these comments and can relate to then so much. I’ve been with my BF for 5 years, he has a 8 year old daughter and I’m very close to her as I’ve been in her life since she was 3. As much as I love her I do relate to that jealousy feeling of not being able to give my BF his first child, his daughter. He is a great father to her, does anything and everything to be in her life, constant court battles, argues over everything with his ex. His ex controls our life using their daughter. I’ve almost left many of times because of how bad everything gets, it’s his baggage but yet is put on me and is making my life hell. I’m 26 and he is 39, we are both very motivated people who work hard to have a good life, his ex on the other hand has never worked a day in her life and thinks she’s entitled to his money because they have a kid. He was paying 800 in child support per a month, she doesn’t let us see their daughter and is always causing problems and controls every visit. It’s her way or no way. She talks down to me and it pisses me off so bad, and pisses me off more that I can’t do anything about it. It’s funny that a woman who hasn’t worked a day in her life talks to a person like me as she is better when I’m going places, but her, she has no ambition what so ever. She is married had kid last year and is pregnant again. I want a family with my boyfriend and talk to him about it often, I end up really upset because he says he doesn’t know what he wants, not right now, maybe one day but doesn’t know now and it gets me more mad cause he should know after being together for 5 years. I’ve given him so much of my life, we met when I was 21 and I’ve got so much invested into our life. He is a good person, a good dad, successful and has a big heart but he doesn’t want to start a life with me. I do bring it up to him alot these days, I end up crying most of the time and he says he won’t not give me what I want. I want to be with someone who loves me so much that they want a family with me. I’m so good to him and his daughter, I go out of my way to make sure they are taken care of. If he is busy I go out of my way to change my work, or plans to accommodate her. I do love her, but it also makes me sad to be around them knowing he doesn’t want a family with me and it bothers me that he tells her Im your dad, I made you, it’s just something you don’t say to your child in front of your girlfriend. Their daughter is starting to look like her mom and he always tells her she is so beautiful and I understand it’s his daughter but it makes me feel weird because of how much she looks like her mom. I hate myself for feeling this way and saying these things. I hate that I’m with someone who has a kid, if I could go back in time I wouldn’t be with him. His ex is a nightmare and has taken so much out of him and I’m paying for it now. She’s ruined him. When he says he wishes he was with his daughter every night I have that thought of if he wishes he was still with his ex. He tells me all the time how much he hates his ex and I know he does but I always wonder what he is thinking and why he doesn’t want anything with me. We do have our problems, I would take off drinking with my friends and not come home but that’s only because I didn’t want him yelling at me and treating me like shit as he always does but I’ve always reassured him that I didn’t cheat but he always blames me for it. He says I need to grow up before he even thinks about marrying me and having kids but I think that’s an excuse. I don’t know what to do anymore, I love him to much to leave him but being with him is so depressing because I think about how much I want to get married and have a couple kids. Im scared to stay and scared to leave. I don’t want to end up not having kids. I just want to be with someone who loves me so much and want that with me. I’m such a good person to him and his daughter and I don’t understand why he doesn’t see that as good enough for him. I hate that we hAve to see his ex or talk to her. To have her control our lives because we have to see his kid when she decides. We see her as much as allowed. Sometimes lots and sometimes not for months. I hate that he has to give her money, I hate to see her ugly face, I hate that I think of him and her having their kid and how happy they must of been. I too worry that he won’t love our child( if we have one) as much as his first child. I’m happy he only has one kid but I’m still miserable living doing everything for his kid and he won’t commit to having a family with me, like is it worth it for me to be doing all this nice stuff for his kid when he won’t have one with me. I wish it wasn’t hard to leave. What should I do?
Him who might not want to marry me or have kids mean while we’ve been together for 5 years.
He always puts his friends before me it’s seems like. Just so much and I can’t handle it but love him so much.

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Confused
November 5th, 2016 at 12:33 PM
I’m in a similar situation. I started dating a man, we both fell in love. I was very upfront with the fact that I wanted to have children, he was very upfront with the fact that his son came first. I understand his predicament. But I just broke up with him, because he isn’t sure if we wants more kids. That is something I can’t deny myself the chance of. It would be cruel to take the relationship further for both of us. It sucks, but if I hurt this much now, I can’t imagine how bad it would hurt if down the line if he decided he didn’t want more children and we broke it off then, after developing a relationship with him and his child. Sometimes you have to love with the head first, then the heart. I pray that he will change his mind, or make his mind up. I really do have the best intentions for his son. We can’t always be selfless, because in all realty, we have dreams like motherhood, that can’t be compromised. I’m 29. He is 34. I have time and am not in a rush, but still, you want to be on the same page for future life aspirations with someone. That’s what makes love so magical when you do find it. And we all will. Don’t worry, have faith.

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morris Ann
April 2nd, 2016 at 2:03 AM
My ex left me because we argue a lot lately and he says he doesn’t believe in happy ever afters. I am pregnant with his child and we raised my other child together since he as 3 weeks old. So it’s so hard to lose this guy. I am in serious love with him and want us to be a family-not a BROKEN family. I would do anything to have his heart back

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smile
April 10th, 2016 at 10:45 AM
Hi all… how is going your life now?
i just feel down…. again thinking of my boyfriends kids… I will never accept them and I think this is a huge problem… feel upset thinking for this reason I probably will leave him …

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Mel
July 31st, 2016 at 6:07 AM
Hi smile did u finally leave? Me its just days but I needed strength to go. I too, wanted to leave because I really find the kids annoying. So I left.

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Lina
April 12th, 2016 at 4:53 AM
Well, I’m glad that I have a head on my shoulders to think with. Last year I fell really hard for a single-dad with two kids. Extremely handsome, charming, compassionate and seemed quite bright. Also Italian with the most beautiful eyes I ever saw at a man. It was attraction on first sight for both of us, I never fell so passionately in love before in a quick moment. The same time I found out about his kids. He didn’t hide them from the start and he’s a good father, spends a lot of time with his kids. Has custody for one child and much contact with his ex-wife and the other child. Despite all these facts and despite the fact he was really into me, I backed away. Why? Because it rarely works out. There are hundreds of experiences, not only here, but all over the world, who tell of the heartbreak and drama many women suffer by dating a man with kids. You will always be second place, and it will never feel like your family. It’s very stressing for a man, to split his precious time for you, earning money and the kids, so I get it. It was not easy for me, I still love him today and get weak in the knees when I spot him. But the wise have to learn from other peoples experiences, to not suffer again. No need to say I had my fair share of pain because of relationships, so no, thanks.

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Mary
April 25th, 2016 at 1:23 PM
Run as far as you can … You deserve to start with someone who is at the same place in life you are. It will get really bad as they turn teenagers .

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Sally
May 4th, 2016 at 8:36 PM
Listen, y’all. She asked for advice not WWIII over her boyfriend having kids. Personally, my own boyfriend has 3 wonderful children of his own and we are currently moving out together an trying for one of our own. It all depends on the people and the relationship. Chill out on the harrassment and let it be.

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Kaye
May 16th, 2016 at 7:57 PM
Hi all. I really need an advice. I’m 22 and my bf is 31, he has 2 kids a boy who is 10 and a girl who is 7, we’ve been together for 1 yr and 5 mos. before the kids are really not my issue, because they don’t live with him. He doesn’t see them often, but as our relationship goes, I just really realized all the disadvantage of him having kids. And he mentioned to me that he can only give me one kids because he cant support more than 3 kids. What should I do? I really need help. I mean I’m inlive with him and i enjoy being with him. But I am really just not comfortable of him being around with his kids. I feel jelaous. And too the fact that he can’t give me more than 1 kid because of them being exist.

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Kate
August 19th, 2016 at 10:24 PM
Leave! It will feel terrible, but you deserve more. He, nor his life will ever be enough for you, and you shouldn’t settle for less than you deserve. You will never be his #1. And you deserve to find a man that will let you be his #1, and you will! Short term pain is better than a life of emptiness, pain, and regret. Best wishes! U can do it!!!

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JW
May 17th, 2016 at 10:14 AM
I am married to a man that has 2 kids from two previous marriages. I have never been married before and have no biological children. I was 32 when we met and he was 40. He is from a divorced family and my parents have been married for 40 years. Partnering with someone who has kids when you don’t is a less than ideal situation and I don’t recommend it. You have no idea of all of the things that you have to give up, and it seemingly never ends. Everything feels slightly tainted and is much harder. How could you possibly understand an experience before you experience it? There is a reason why divorce with children is not recommended, but yes, it happens all of the time. Relationships are hard enough without the added baggage of people you don’t even know, exes, ect. I have, and always will treat my step-kids with love and kindness. I enjoy having them in my life, for the most part, and have had a positive impact on them. But people judge good step parents unfairly. The burdens of other peoples choices fall on the scapegoat step parent. Our culture does not understand or respect step mothers. It is a sad and isolated place in society. If you are in your twenties keep dating. You are going to be forced to deal with peoples baggage that has nothing to do with you. Having a solid family may never come. This does shape who you become. I do not recommend it, from experience.

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Jenn D
June 1st, 2016 at 2:26 PM
I could not agree more with your statement about step parents being scapegoated and never actually being viewed as good. I’ve been helping my boyfriend with his three daughters (15, twins, and 11) for the last 2 years. Just this last week they moved out of our home back with their mother, who live with her mother, at 38. His children told terrible lies because I asked them to take part in the house chores and be responsible for their room and personal belongings. I have two children of my own (12 & 1) my 12 year old has chores. His kids wanted no part in it, and moved out. Now it’s my fault they aren’t here, just because I tried to teach them to be clean.

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L
May 21st, 2016 at 4:26 PM
Hi, im 25 and my boyfriend is 30. Weve been together 2 years, we live together. He has a 5 year old son and a 3 year old daughter. His ex girlfriend is always giving him grief about pathetic things just to start an argument over texts. I feel ready for a baby, however when i mention it to him theres always excuses about paying off debts before hand (which makes sense) but i think hes just making excuses as hes scared that if we were having a baby and his ex found out that he would get access on his days off to his current kids. We pay child maintenance (more than a weeks wage pm) which is financially a strain but its law! The whole situation is making me stressed and depressed. I feel lonely and second best, he picks them up from the exes house on his days off and takes them to his parents all day without me, he doesnt contact me at all. Ive not been on the pill since 2011 and suffered a miscarriage with him in our first year together, i was devestated (still am) but when i told him i was pregnant he was supportive but wasnt happy and hinted towards an abortion!. Currently waiting on a letter for the fertility clinic to see if i have any problems (obviously he has to attend), but when i mention it he cuts me off and says he doesnt really want bloods taken. Im so confused, i dont wanna go through life waiting and waiting hopefully next week he will say lets have a baby/will you marry me? Because i can never see either situation happen somehow. I love him very much and weve been through a lot together.. Its hard to walk away acter so long of knowing each other especially i dont want to but do i have a choice?? I have no friends and put on weight since my miscarriage, dont feel pretty or confident anymore. Please help?!

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A
June 1st, 2016 at 6:32 PM
Just leave. Honestly. Have kids with someone who doesn’t have them. It’s a special thing. Do it with someone who doesn’t have them already. There will always be complications with the other child who isn’t yours and parenting should be a joyful experience. Take it from someone who knows. It’s too late for me but maybe I can help you.

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Rachel
June 18th, 2016 at 3:59 AM
My situation is… Very different then these lol.
The man who is now my fiancé, I met two years ago. We broke up for about 4 months about 6 months ago… During that time I got pregnant with my ex boyfriends child… Who I’m completely over & he was horrible to me and mentally abusive I did what I did out of basically very unstable mental state & no self asteem. My fiancé still wants to marry me & be with me and says he accepts my unborn child. My ex is not around a lot and doesn’t cause us problems other then the situation. I seem to not be able to get past this… I feel unhappy & horrible bc I wanted my first child with the man I want to marry…. How do I get over this or cope? Reading all these comments I feel worthless like people with previous kids ruin everything. I feel like my fiancé deserves better even though we weren’t together when I concieved. He gets mad at me for not being happy with him & moving on with life. I just feel like it will eventually end bc what man wants to raise another mans child? Idk. Any advice? I really do feel he’s my soulmate…

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R
August 10th, 2016 at 3:50 AM
Hi everyone,
I’m in a similar situation, although there are a few differences. I’m 27 with no children, my boyfriend is 34 and is a great father to a 7 year old daughter. We met 4 years ago and there was instant chemistry from the get-go. He was always up front about the kid so although we felt tremendously attracted to each other, I felt like I was too young and immature at the time to get into something like that so I chose not to get involved at all. I knew I couldn’t cope with the whole kid thing and all the strings attached. We pretty much stopped talking to make things a little easier, but continued bumping into each other sporadically because we work in the same business park. I’ve had a couple of relationships over these 4 years but never managed to get over my feelings for him, even though strictly speaking nothing had ever happened between us… but I always felt this almost palpable tension every time we were near each other. About 5 months ago I let go of my better judgement and started talking to him when we passed by each other in a corridor. We reconnected instantly and have been together ever since. I’ve never been in love with anyone as I am with him, it’s the strongest feeling I ever had.
Problem is I’m having a lot of trouble wrapping my head around the fact that he has a kid. I’ve met her and she’s a sweet kid although a bit spoiled and annoying at times (as most kids probably are, I guess). She loves me and is very keen to have me around; her mother is also a great person who makes things easy for me – she’s happily married so there’s absolutely no drama there – but I just can’t seem to be able to control a bunch of shitty emotions that keep flooding me.
I’m a logical, intelligent person so of course I know kids need to spend time with their parents, and I know I wouldn’t love my guy like I do if I he wasn’t the great father I know him to be. But I can’t help feeling like utter shit when he spends time with his daughter instead of me. I feel left out, alone and wanting to just run away and never look back when I’m with the two of them. I want his attention to myself, I want to be his priority and his focus to be on me, but of course kid trumps girlfriend any day of the week… I know that all too well, and that’s the way it should be. I feel selfish and horrible for feeling these things and keep telling myself these feelings don’t make any sense and are totally immature and misplaced, but I can’t help feeling them all the same.
I know the easier solution here would be to just walk away, and that’s what I’ll do if I can’t find a solution or if I start feeling like the kid is being affected by this in any way (illogical as my feelings may be I would never hurt a child’s feelings or disrupt their life in any way, even if that meant making myself miserable. That I know for sure). But I love him so much… I would do anything to try and sort this out. To try and sort me out.
Do you have any suggestions on things I could do to improve my situation and get a grip on my jealous feelings?
Thank you :(

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Shenika
June 22nd, 2016 at 4:13 PM
I have 1 child and My boyfriend has 6 kids and in the beginning of our relationship he lied saying he has 5 kids. Then one day out of the blue the 6th kid which is his first born showed up at my house looking for him. I was mad and felt betrayed. I hate this situation.I never wanted a man with alot of kids like that and i know i should break up with him but im already so in love with him but i cant get it right in my head about this. I hate that the mothers of his kids call or text him.Things r all messed up.And to top it off, i at least wanted one more child but i know he’s not the one to give me one cause he already has a football team. Need help plz.

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Mackenzie
June 23rd, 2016 at 9:56 PM
You can find someone who doesn’t have a football team. If you stay there will be nothing but drama. The calls and texts from the mothers of his children will not stop. You deserve peace and happiness my dear. Move on. You can do so much better. I keep telling myself this also.

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ray
July 30th, 2016 at 9:23 AM
You know what to do…..That ‘team’ will be asking you for money next. He’s a liar. You never know he may even be lying about the 6 kids and have a 7th out there somewhere. He’s obviously been very careless, and leopards rarely change their spots. Get rid. Your child may be uncomfortable about this situation too. That kind of chaos is a lot for an only to handle. I should know, I am one.

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Shenika
June 22nd, 2016 at 4:22 PM
Im so lost.

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ray
July 30th, 2016 at 9:52 AM
Can’t you just pack your stuff one day and go when he’s out? Get it settled in your mind…You’ve just said you want another kid but not with him. You’ve answered your own question. He isn’t right for you. You’ll be left high and dry just like the other women of this oaf if you have his kid. He’s a nest hopper. Write an honest long letter/email to him and keep it in your drafts until you’re ready to go. You’ll feel bad now, but honestly, you’ll be ok in no time once you seperate your life from him. ‘Love’ is a ruse….often mistaken when we’re in ‘lust’. You’re obviously not happy and you can’t afford to be fickle like a love struck teenager with a first love when you have a child to care for. The mothers of those kids, the kids themselves are obviously going to be a part of your life and your child’s if you stay. To be honest, he’d be better of going back to one of them. At least they have something in common (a kid). Is it really worth the hassle? This guy is very much ‘damaged goods’ and a lot of women had the best of him before you came along. Do you cook, clean after him? He may be in the relationship for the ‘care taking’ aspect than anything else. Men are like that – they are always looking to be mothered, and I genuinely believe many don’t feel that ‘in love’ feeling that women do. It’s difficult to imagine this guy may have a sudden respect for women after repeating the same mistakes so many times. Try and toughen up for your child’s sake if you can’t do it for yourself right now. You may be suffering with low self esteem and that takes quite a while to retrieve (men do no cure low self worth I’m afraid. They are very slefish creatures by nature). You may just have to do this….get your things together gradually if you live with him, get a place you can stay temporaily (maybe your mother’s?), and if you don’t live with him, even better. Gradually just start reducing contact bit by bit. Be very careful about this idea of another child. Remember, new man, new complications. If you’re feeling lonely, have poor self confidence etc you’re going to attract another loser, plus you’ll then have two dads of two babies if it all goes wrong again. Focus on sorting yourself out first…The rest will come to you when/if it’s meant to. If not, you have your child and not one child and another half-sibling (sorry to be blunt, but that’s just the way it is). Do not pursue anyone (they smell desperation and abuse it). I’ve been subjected to a few a******* for sure, but I am now aware of my self-worth (takes a long time). You’ll need your friends….If you dont have friends, embrace your family. Take care of yourself x

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Mackenzie
June 22nd, 2016 at 10:20 PM
I’m with a guy who has 3 kids by his ex-wife. They’ve been divorced for 6 yrs now but I’m not sure if I want to be with him. I don’t have kids and I know I’ll always end up feeling like an outsider. His kids are very jealous and don’t want anyone else around their dad. And he always caters to whatever they want because he feels guilty. I told him he should date someone who has kids because maybe they will be more understanding. I’m not going to sacrifice my future or my happiness because of his past. I’m leaving him! Lesson learned for me…. don’t ever date a man with kids.

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ray
July 30th, 2016 at 9:18 AM
Good girl! You saw the light. Wish more women would not make life so easy for these family ditchers….

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Bern
August 14th, 2016 at 10:54 AM
McKenzie,
I totally agree with u 👍🏽

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Sacha
June 30th, 2016 at 1:03 AM
Please stop the thinking of who is number one and whos second, because it depends. I was never a fan of comparing, because you should not.
The love for you and his kids are equal, but different. I would never say my kids or husbond comes first, but the family comes first. I know kids have certain needs, but if they think they always comes first, kids becomes very egocentric as adults, so the best you can do, is stop comparing love. I love my stepchrildren, not as my own, but as sweet kids. And I set boudaries for them as well and its okay! I would not live without my husbond or his kids! I’m so not a fan of comparing and noone should tell anyone to choose between either kids or girlfriend/boyfriend/husbond/wife, for me its like I have to choose between my mother and father, and I would not!

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Sm
November 20th, 2016 at 2:19 PM
At least you have kids. Imagine he has and u won’t have because he doesn’t want…

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Christine
July 7th, 2016 at 8:24 PM
If you do not have kids of your own !!! ATTENTION ATTENTION !!!!! DO NOT DATE MEN WITH KIDS AND CRAZY MANIPULATIVE EX WIFE! no matter how much you love that man or how much angel you think he is. IT IS WORST THAN HELL !!! STAY AWAY WHILE YOU CAN…. Everyone tries to warn me before but I still went ahead with it, thought to prove everyone WRONG! Don’t be silly and foolish, it won’t work ! When you needed them the most, they will abandon you and choose his ex wife and kids instead (well, at least a good man will do that, a man that abandon his kids is not a good man end of the day anyway, what a dilemma) STAY AWAY from this DILEMMA and DRAMA and COMPLICATION – Life is too short to have all this DRAMA from his crazy exes and kids dramas….. My life is absolutely amazing now, just felt stupid to waste all these years, tears and money to find out it is NOT WORTH IT ! DO NOT WASTE YOUR TIME while you still young ! There are heaps of much better options out there, men without kids and crazy drama ex wife….

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Anonymous
July 11th, 2016 at 6:38 AM
Is it too much for an 18 year old girl to have more than 16 ex boyfriend

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ray
July 30th, 2016 at 9:15 AM
What a mess….I met a guy who already had a kid with a woman who apparently wanted to transition (I kid you not!). This was years ago in my twenties. I knew immeiately before we moved in together that the whole thing wasn’t for me, but stuck it out (it was a place I needed to move to for a year long course and a place he could establish himself in a job and an area he wanted to live in). He never saw his kid, which made me lose even more respect for him. I wouldn’t have wanted the kid near me, but I saw no/little moves on his part to fight for contact with his son. There’s no easy way to say this….For all you clean living souls who haven’t accumulated this sort of bagage and do not intend to, you need to get out and find yourself someone with similar values. Don’t ‘panic’ about being alone, don’t be desperate. Relationships are hard enough work without learning to appreciate your free status. Maybe try to just live a little cleaner for a bit and exploring yourself, instead of looking for the next ‘lay’ all the time. Being with someone with kids when you don’t want or even like kids is too much to ask of yourselves, and it’s something you cannot change. REMEMBER, that ex is always going to be in their lives too. If this is an aspect of their lives you ‘hate’, then unfortunately it isn’t fair on them to stick around because it isn’t going to change.

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E
August 6th, 2016 at 9:01 PM
Hi everyone,
I don’t usually look for answers on the Internet but I’ve found myself doing it this time. I’m in a bit of a tricky situation. I’m not really sure how to deal with it. I’m 20 and my partner is 34 and has 3 children with another women. I am in absolute love with this man & in the short times we have spent apart have been incredibly hard. We have been together for 6 months. He has never lied about having kids & I met them about 2 months into our relationship. The children are all under 10 & youngest 5. I get along with all of them great & we are always having fun. They are here maybe once a weekend, but it changes quite a bit. He used to answer yes, yes, & yes to his ex and run circles around until only recently when I said it had to change otherwise I’d leave. That may sound horrible but you can’t start a new relationship if your still fully attached to your past one. Tell me if I’m wrong please. I really wanted our relationship to work and that’s what I thought was best. Now it has stopped and he doesn’t hear from her as much which is good and that leaves us free to start our lives together. Then I keep hitting this problem of his 3 children. I thought I could get over it but I’ve found that the deeper we get in our relationship the harder I’m finding it. The kids are great & the very last thing I would want to do would be to get in between the father/child relationships. I just don’t know how to deal with it, or what to do. I’m very confused, I want kids & what’s going to happen if I do with him. Will the ex turn nasty? Or will he turn and leave me because he has 3 kids already? Plus it won’t be special because he’s been thru it all before…. I never dreamed it would work out like this when I was younger. I met him & fell in love took on his life and now I’m struggling with everything. Please tell me what to do…

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A
August 7th, 2016 at 6:29 PM
You have to leave. You are extremely young. I went through it and was just exactly in your situation. It is absolutely horrible and he will pick his ex wife and kids no matter what happen and leave you all alone behind lonely scare and hurt. Better to leave now , it will be hurtful for a while but it will be the best for everyone especially yourself and your future kids :) good luck !

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L
August 11th, 2016 at 5:03 PM
Hi, im still with him. Cant findthe guts to leave, but i have said that we need some time apart because its making me so depressed even my best friend and parents are concerned as they know im not happy, but its hard to walk away i mean we have a joint account, live together. He doesnt make any effort anymore i feel lonely. When he picks the kids up from the mothers home he doesnt ask me to come over and spend time with them, although when they stay over they love me to bits. We started dating a month after they split up, starting to think maybe after nearly 2 n half years together it was too soon for him to move on. My head is battered what do i do?

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Kjayne
August 12th, 2016 at 2:17 AM
I am feeling the exact same and he doesnt seem to get it and the kids adore me and i an goin to miss seeing his youngest on his first day at school because once again we have fallen out and arent speaking. I cant decide whether something will switch with him coa he loves me or i being naive and would never be able to do this for life.

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Anonimous
August 14th, 2016 at 10:48 AM
Simple do never comment good/bad about the kids problems your relationship is with him/her not with the kids. Stay away about it keep you position as his/her friend , do not try to be a step mom/dad just enjoy with him/her what you concern and you’ll see with time with out doing anything they will want you on the placed. And them you can think i just stay or jajaj

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Kjayne
August 14th, 2016 at 12:01 PM
Yeah we spoke today and he told me a story about an issue with the kids mum but all i see is him being selfish and now im thinking i dont want that to ever be me.in that situation and not sure he is considerate enough of other peoples feelings to make it all work

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Kate
August 19th, 2016 at 10:19 PM
Dear, “anonimous”,
1st of all your recommendation is the ABSOLUTE WORST Advice I’ve ever read on this website. 2ndly, if you can’t spell “anonymous” don’t choose the as your name. You are the reason why ppl shouldn’t trust other ppks responses. According to your response, a person shouldn’t question or reprimand children from a person that they are trying to marry or create a new family with. Your advice will only lead to more oblivious behavior and broken relationships. Considering I have two social science degrees from the University of South florida, as well as you can not spell anonymous, pretty sure I aced this one. Also, the entire “family dynamic you describe in your “”advice”” would neve be happy or healthy for anyone involved.” Perhaps, keep your idiotic comments to your self and stop interfering with other people’s lives.

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Thatguy
August 21st, 2016 at 8:54 AM
Hhahaha ….. All I can do is laugh because I sympathize with most of these comments. Difference is that I’m a man in the same scenario with a woman and her kids. I don’t know how this happened but it just did. you start getting closer and closer to the person you’re attracted to typical without the involvement of said children. It’s like you know they exist but in the beginning they are all in the background. You fall in love or get into a relationship and BAM!!! It all slaps you in the face. I like her kids but I’m expected to love them and they are good kids but they are very moody and spoiled. Guess what? I can’t do much about that cause they aren’t really mine. It’s a weird position to be in cause you would have imagined along time before you meet your partner that any kid they have would automatically be yours. Wrongo !!! They been there done that and even though I had that knowledge prior to hopping into the relationship, it doesn’t make it easier and I didn’t know how the kids would be. Haha its predicament for sure. It’s hard to leave when your parent is damn near perfect and your best friend. What a web I’ve gotten my self in, what a sticky, nasty web. Haha it’s not all bad, just a lot to adjust too. Dealing with the constant jealousy and guilty parenting. The. I’m not ready for kids but I have to play a role in there lives but I’m not there dad, they have one. I don’t mind being a Positive role model and someone they look up to one day. If I grow close to the kids so be it but I’m not trying to plAy daddy to kids that have a living one that they still see. Even if they didn’t see him it still would be hard. Ya boy is young and wanted to wait for kids It’s not my fault I decided to hold off. Now one thing scares me and one think only. If I completely get over the magic of Sharing the first kid together experience (which I pretty much and over it) and we go ahead and have one. She better not put less into our kids because of guilt. If she does that I would want to leave. But it would suck cause I had a kid with her and because she already has 2 and is guilty she doesn’t put as much effort cause she doesn’t want to make her 2 spoiled ones jealous. That’s what I’m Afraid of. If I could know if she would do that right now that would help me make a decision to leave or go. Cause you’re not going to spoil your kids then hold mine back because of guilt or not display nature affection cause you don’t want to hurt your kids. Heck no…. Hahaha

Good luck everyone

It could work out and honestly my situation is not that bad in comparison to others but it is hard at times. So if you want to see what’s poppin’ and you love the person give it a try. But if I had kids of my own and when they I would never recommend it haha nor to a close family member haha

Good luck again : )

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HTT
August 30th, 2016 at 10:35 AM
I met my fiancé online when I was 30 and dated a month before he told me he has a son. I was shocked and cried. I gave him a chance because he told me nothing is nothing going on with him and the ex. He keeps the son and the mother of the son only visited him once a week. He said they lived together for 12years and never married. So I decided to commit to him thinking that ex doesn’t care about her son and she involves in my fiancé’s life anymore until one day a year after she file a case stating she common law married to him and she always wanted file for child custody. That’s when my world turns inside down. He then proposed me with an expensive ring to wanted me to stay with him. I was happy cause this make me think he does really love me and want to marry me. I was expecting our wedding to be a year after. But it’s almost been 2 years since he proposed me but the case with that ex has not end. It’s still dragging on. He told me he cannot married me until the case is over. The case actually held 3 months ago but he told me they pushed back for another 3 months. I believe whatever he tells me. Talking about us. We live 2 hours apart and only sees each other once a week barely twice a week. He has been a good fiance but only the ex and the case part that I never felt that I ever involved. He never voluntary talk to me about it but I had to ask. Ofcourse, I get mad with when he tells about the case which seems to me that it will never end. This is the excuse that he said that’s why he never wanted to tell me. If so, then that’s not committed relationship and I don’t want a man who bids stuffs from me. I have met his family couple times but his parents never spoke about our engagement or anything. Not even congrats us. I tried very hard to nice to them, brought them gifts everytime I visited. But it doesn’t seem enough for them. He always questioned me why I don’t visit his parents often, but my concern is that, I came from a strict family and ofcourse my parents don’t like me to keep hanging with his family when they don’t seem to be interested to me nor have our parents met since we got engaged? Nope! My parents always asked how come his parents don’t seem to want to talk about your engagement nor get to know us. I don’t know how close is he to his parents but his mother has suggested to buy a house together with him when he is married. They want to pay half of the house with him ,Wth?? As for me, I became very insecure for all these problems of his coming toward our relationship our planned wedding, I became very jealous of everything because I don’t know what is going on? I wanted to get marry and have my own family, my own kids with him. I don’t want to keep having to wait for his case to be over and he is not gaurenteed about it! I’m now 33 and I don’t want to have kids late. We have been together for 3 years and it still has not gone to next step! His parents told him not to Marry until the case is over that why they don’t seem to care about me. They don’t see me as his fiancé but just a girl friend. When we are out to they public, he would tell people I’m his girl friend even though I have the ring on. All these added up making me going crazy. I’ve been suportive for 3 years. Swallow my sorrow and keep waiting for him to marry me, trusted him, and put up a lot of things. But when I mentioned about the case, he makes it seems like it’s my job to wait for him and not to speak up. Or else we would have a very big fight. I don’t have that confidence anymore. Everytime I see his son, his family or a picture of the ex, my body would shake so much, like I have a panick attack seeing or hearing about them. That makes me hate every one from his side. One night I talked to him on the phone asking about his case, again I have to ask before he tells, the case doesn’t seem to going well, but it doesn’t matter to me how to feel anymore. I always share how I feel about his problems and how it makes me feel uncomfotable, scared, afraid, jealous, shake everytime I hear about them and told him for those reasons I hate them all!! He never been suportive towards my feelings and emotions. Not even at once that he shows me he has my back. But instead of correcting me. He said why would you hate my son! He never done anything to you! You sounded like you would abuse him!! He is about to turn 15 and much bigger than I am. As a fiance of his, he still doesn’t care to know what kind of person I am nor understand me. that’s really hurts me so I questioned him, ok I hate your son what are you going to do with them. He said we need to break up.

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HTT
August 30th, 2016 at 12:28 PM
PLEASE ADVICE !! What I should do??? Is it all my fault???

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Dear soul
September 14th, 2016 at 11:37 AM
HTT,
i feel your pain girl.It`s not your fault,the only fault you have is that you love him.But don`t let anybody step on you,never.It takes courage to express your true feelings and if there is nobody there to hear them and do something about them,than it`s not worth it.

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Dear soul
September 14th, 2016 at 11:25 AM
i`ve been with my boyfriend 2 years now,we`ve been living togheter almost from the beginning and i know his daughter (5) since then.The problem is that he is still married,he married long time ago for papers and said he never loved his wife but he was sleeping with her because he didn`t want to jump around and he told me she tricked him to have the child by stopping her birth control,and therefore was a mistake.The girl is a wonderful kid,i love her and she loves me.We are planning our own family one day,but he always give me the reason not to divorce yet..Her bm mother has cancer and not long to live,and he wants to wait until she dies to take some money from there.I`m so confused,we love each other too much and we don`t want to give up on this relationship.I caught him lieing a couple of times when he said he doesn`t have anything to do with her anymore except his child.He lost his phone and i gave him one of mine.And when he gave it to me back i restored all the messages and calls between them.I was shocked to see how they talk,he still calls her baby,love,they still share a car from time to time and he still keeps it up with~i don`t have anything with her` and that he does that only to get her money.Now i`m not rich,so he`s not staying with me for the money.I really believe he loves me.But i`ve lost my patience,i`m 24,i`m a good catch and i know i can find somebody without all this , and i don`t know if i can handle all this baggage.The only thing i know for sure is that i love him too much.
I need some advice from you people,please,i would really appreciate it.

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Sm
November 20th, 2016 at 2:28 PM
Dear. I even haven’t finished reading your comment, but if you and he are together, h needs to divorce. By law they are still together married. You are dating married guy. How does it sounds?! Awful yeah? Just say him I am not dating married guys. See what he cares more about, you or his marriage.

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Winterwolf
November 18th, 2016 at 6:20 PM
We have the same problem. i have a boyfriend 14 years older than me. He has three children which he loves. He was divorced 3 years ago and we are 1 year in a relationship now. I’m happy with him, he is sweet and loving boyfriend. I get along with his children very well but we are not yet living together, we will just bond every saturday. Honestly, I’m scared too, of me being just the second priority, and his connection with his ex-wife will always be there. I love him, but I always hope of a single version of him. A man without a failed marriage, without children. I can’t leave him, but I’m scared of the complication that I will face in the future. sighhhhh

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Sm
November 20th, 2016 at 2:31 PM
Try to ask him random questions, just in general like If he wants more children in future, or if he wants to marry again or where he wants to live. It s just one year u are dating him, u have time to leave before u are stuck in the relationship. But making those questions you will have an idea if you can have future. Good luck

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Elizabeth
December 6th, 2016 at 3:59 PM
So here is my story. I am 30. I’ve met my partner 4 years ago. I knew he had a child from beggining and i didn’t really think about it thinking we only meet for couple of drinks, be friends. But after a while we started dating and i found out it was the most funny, loving person, the person that i always have something interesting to talk about. My dream man. With only one little thing, that bothered me. He was still married and had a 11 year old son. He didn’t live with his wife anymore. So we kept on dating, everything went well, then i moved in to his flat after a year or so, he got divorced soon and everything seemed to be fine. After a while i started feeling like theres always that one person the first, more important, started feeling like thats the only thing he cares about and as i don’t have my own child it started to get worse and worse. Phone calls of his ex, his son, phone calls again….Later on i found out he’s got a lot of debts on credit cards. He wouldn’t admit it but…once he told me that when they got separated he had his son most of the time, even if all the benefits had his wife. So basicly he took financial care of his son and she needed to get things for her new place to live. She’s now fine, have her new life, doesn’t have financial problem….and hes in lots of debts left with nothing. I would love to have my own family but im so scared to do so with him. Im scared he is with me mostly because i have some savings and knows i can financially help him, i don’t wanna have his ex wife in my life, i think she is partly responsible for the situation he in atm, i don’t wanna keep feeding someone’s child and be scared to have my own…I just don’t know what to do. Its like one stupid circle :( Anyone feeling like me or am i not normal?

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Sm
December 7th, 2016 at 8:28 AM
well, I am quiet in same position but he doesn t have depts…
best thing to do is MAKE QUESTIONS to him, so you can have answers you can make your decision or just to have clearly an idea what s going on, because as women we think too much and we build your perfect life in our head but men , they do not do the same…. I understood it after 3 years with my partner.. I made just some simple and clear questions which I was ignoring before, and he answered SO EASILY that he was thinking differently .

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Eblah
December 14th, 2016 at 6:20 AM
@SM What do you mean “I made just some simple and clear questions which I was ignoring before, and he answered SO EASILY that he was thinking differently .” He answered your questions and you two found out you were on different pages?
Sm
December 7th, 2016 at 8:29 AM
and yeah, I hate that feeling of beeing SECOND one.. because of his children.

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Elizabeth
December 7th, 2016 at 4:09 PM
Maybe it’s a good thing to do. I think i even tried it but always i ask i don’t get concrete answers. He always says its his past and he can’t do anything about it. He say he thinks everything was fair when it comes to money..but she has got everything now and he is in debts. And the most unfair thing about it i have to deal with it now and basically pay for it. Im feeling depressed because of it. Im trying to think different way but its in my head all the time, its too many things that bother me. And also im getting scared that even if i help him to get out of this financial problems he will secretly run them again, or scared of thing my thinking and feeling about him having his first child with this woman will get even worse when we have our child. And i don’t want to end up as a single mother with a child having his father living with a different woman elsewhere.. Maybe its not for me..:(

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Sm
January 9th, 2017 at 3:36 PM
As you say Maybe It is not for you. Think if it is really what you want and of you can deal with it.
Eblah
December 14th, 2016 at 7:27 AM
So, I’m glad I stumbled across this. It’s like everytime something happens revolving his child, his child’s mom or the moms 2nd child, I’m automatically ANNOYED!! Did you guy pick up what I said there? The mom’s 2nd child, meaning that he got involved in his daughters’ sisters life too (this was all before me). That happen bc the mom, being immature and ignorant, started dating this guy who didn’t want my man in her life or his daughter. Like what? so he didn’t want her to see her father… thats so stupid. That’s her dad you have no control nor should that be a topic of discussion, but it was LOL, so she did that had a baby with the new guy and stop letting his daughter see him, this lasted for about 6 mos. of course custody and courts got involved, need less to say, he pays child support and the 2nd dad and mom got into a fight, he went to jail for a little while and now only has visitation for a few hours, he is working towards more though, good for him and doing what he is supposed to and at least I wont have to worry about the 2nd one right? – wrong.
I never wanted my family to be blended, I wasn’t raised in one. Although, many family members and friends growing up and now, have that situation, but still, I never felt that it was for me or how I envisioned my family. So I do put my feelings 1st, I have to right? I mean I’m the one dealing with the short end of the stick… but I knew this before getting involved. That’s what some ppl could say, BUT on the contrary, I couldn’t pass the opportunity to at least try right? My man is great, overall. My biggest issues, is that he has a child, the mom is a piece of work and he wants to play a role in the 2nd kids life still sometimes too. Now that the 2nd childs father is active, there is NO reason why he should feel so compelled, never in the first place bc their relationship was over months after their child was born and the stuff she put him through (she’s 7 her sister is 4) His reason was to prove EVERYBODY WRONG and SET and EXAMPLE, and especially to the mom and her 2nd childs father for not wanting him around…ect and the mom for ever treating him so badly… the clincher is she STILL SUCKS, and tries to use him/ us and here I come putting my foot down and opening his eyes but encouraging NO!! LOL, no but really. So the 2nd child hasn’t been over since the summer time and I’m the one who stopped that like your being inconsiderate, to keep forcing your other kid on this man and my man forcing her on me… hell no. This past week he ask if she could I had to be clear on his intentions and why. TBH I barely want to deal with his grown 7 year old let alone your ex other kid that has both parents again… We both made it clear that we wont agree on that, I’ve tried all different scenarios… Oh I never mentioned. I have NO Kids. I do want them, or at least I have convinced myself enough to believe I could do it. But with the way men are set up, I’m like how could I just have one with just me!!
Anyways, from the beginning my expectations were to high from his daughter, it was quite bumpy, and as not expected it took us FOREVER TO Get TO WHERE WE ARE NOW, thank God bc I did pray about it a few times (It’s so funny how ppl start to act differently, the mom, after she gets a boyfriend she’s so easy, then he played her and now she I guess feels some type of way about her life again, being single LOL so I think she is back to talking sh*t in front of them or at least his daughter so she can develop the wrong emotions) So back to the brat, shes okay, I read many articles about how you don’t have to like your “step kids, and blah blah blah, but I’m like well who wants that? I let my man move in with me, so I kinda still feel like this is my home more than yours(terrible), and It’s a one bedroom that can accommodate a kid less couple at best. But when she comes we try to set up the living room as comfortable as we can for her. I never wanted to push myself on her, really bc of her attitude and poor thing was probably getting it from somewhere (her mom and friends) so I let her come to me… we finally get this far and everything is okay, she wants to be around me… until this weekend, something was telling me her sister shouldn’t come… Her sister was all in my face for some reason, I actually don’t think his daughter liked that. That’s what I had mentioned to him before when your daughter comes, YALLLLLLLLLL TWO need to have quality time, Alone and also we can do “family” stuff… So his daughter was actually snootie and distant towards me, I mean him and I were kinda in a bad space that weekend but played it off as best we could. I haven’t mentioned it to him yet but I’m like are you playing dumb, how could you not notice a difference?
This is getting long. All I’m getting to is like to don’t think I ever want to deal with a man with any child again! Like the other responses, maybe you should run. This is not easy nor was it meant to happen like this, I still wish he had no child. When the mom calls or kid is throwing a tantrum and I don’t think he’s handling it right or keeping his word then I am pissed. This is kinda funny, I’m like little girl your mom can’t compare to me… But when her and I do stuff she always finds away to bring up her mom, so finally as us 3 sat on the couch and was talking and playing, I said something and she brought up her mother again, so I finally said what I’ve been wanting to: “Stop trying to compare me an your mom”, her father agreed and let me continue, I explain what compare meant, and then said Loud IM NOT YOUR MOM (oops,) her facial expression changed that probably hurt her feelings a bit, but It’s true. I don’t want to play your mom. Just your dads girlfriend. I think it was before when her dad was in the shower I asked her if she was okay, and why is she acting different towards me this weekend, but you know kids, “I’m not” what do you mean BS…. She is very GROWN, Smart, mature and beautiful, unfortunately she’s been told too many times.
I was thinking that maybe she and her dad could stay 2 Friday and Saturday nights at his mom without me then come back and stay Sunday nights? What do you guys think? I kinda want to step back being so involved with decisions and playing house, especially without a ring…I just gotta keep praying to see if he is even the right one for me. I may not be the right one for him and I shouldn’t let his feeling persuade my judgement for my life. My mom does not like how her life turned out with my dad and personal, career etc. so she is bitter about that and is mainly where the nastiness comes from, I don’t want to regret my life, I came out of a 7 year back and forth to finally meet this awesome man, with this baggage… Sometimes I think I would feel more equal if I had a kid and a dad I had to deal with. Then maybe it would open his eyes even more. Also, I read that would the dad be so overcome with joy having another kid, its nothing like the first time… but He has said that he wasn’t in a relationship with her and didn’t get to experience all the happy moments/milestones of pregnancy ..
Input. Welcome.

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Sean C
December 14th, 2016 at 9:13 AM
You folks…
Reading your comments and seeing the way people think about marriage, divorce, and children, is exactly why I have opted out of this game. I got snipped at 29 (had to beg the Major because I have no spouse or children), just turned thirty, and I am on the last leg of my Air Force career. My mother was just literally crying on the phone about how I am the “last man in the family who can carry on the family name.” According to here I have a “responsibility to my family, the black race, and the country” to marry and procreate. Why?! Says who?! Looking at the comments here, you guys haven’t even figured it out. I see so many contradictions, sexism from both sides and departures from logic here, it seems to me, the safest investment I can make in in myself; I’ve no worries about money, I have almost no debt, travel often, and I will retire in nine years with a pension that flows immediately. I love my freedom, love long stretches of solitude, I’m very free- even within the bounds of the military. I have lady friends who accept that I’m not changing my stance, yet we still have tons of fun. My life rocks.

Occasionally, I check the waters on sites like this just to see if things are getting better in the marriage-babies-divorce world. I see a few good stories, but the vast majority is negative. So thank you all for confirming that I’ve made a wise decision by living strictly by logic, I’m encouraging my airmen to follow suit.
As for you all, good luck with this mess.

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Eblah
December 14th, 2016 at 11:51 AM
@Sean C Well Save yourself… I’m still debating on children. 29yrsold. I made jokes to ppl in my family about not going to have any don’t want any I am the Last female in our group of cousins with no child.. Why bc I want more than this mess that many of ppl deal with…

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Sean C
December 14th, 2016 at 3:25 PM
@Eblah Totally skip the “kids” thing. There are 7.5 billion people on earth, and according to Pew Research, Center for Disease Control, and Business weekly, it costs ~$300,000 for the AVERAGE American to raise a child, college not included. If you want to marry, that your prerogative; provided you are competent regarding your laws (state level) you can marry without too much risk if it doesn’t work out. Children are for life, though.
Sean C
December 14th, 2016 at 3:29 PM
@Eblah
Please forgive all the writing errors!
Smile
December 14th, 2016 at 2:51 PM
@Sean C
As we all can read from your comment, you are happy with your decision, and it is exactly how it is should be in life. You live your life as you decide, not like someone else . Unfortunately as you notice in this article most of us, not you, want have marriage and family but our partners have already have had it.but it is not your case and you can’t understand it. It is something that you feel, that or you want to be single ecc.. or you want family. That is it.

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DR
December 28th, 2016 at 9:06 PM
Sean C, good on ya! And anyone else thinking of following the child-free path: Take it from a Mom of 3 and Step Mom of one: Kids are not that great, and that goes triple for step-kids.

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Eblah
January 9th, 2017 at 5:49 AM
This is great. #KIDSARENOTTHATGREAT !! lol
Sm
December 14th, 2016 at 9:34 AM
@eblah… I was so in love first months that I haven’t took so serious what he was telling me about NO CHILDREN… NO MARRIAGE. but now I regret as more time passes more it is difficult as u love more.

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Eblah
December 14th, 2016 at 11:54 AM
@SM Everything was much better when you care less.. I’m with you there. You regret leaving (I was looking for your initial post I read earlier.)

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Smile
December 15th, 2016 at 6:24 AM
Leaving earlier is much better even you love.
Jessica
December 18th, 2016 at 5:55 PM
I have a boyfriend who i really love he had a kid with his ex girlfriend i love both the kid and the father but the problem is his ex she keeps sayin she wont allow her kid to be raised by a step mom neither does she want to raise her kid without his biological dad what i got pregnant last month but had a miscarage i really love this guy what do i do

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Jessica
December 19th, 2016 at 3:24 AM
have a boyfriend who i really love he had a kid with his ex girlfriend i love both the kid and the father but the problem is his ex she keeps sayin she wont allow her kid to be raised by a step mom neither does she want to raise her kid without his biological dad what i got pregnant last month but had a miscarage i really love this guy what do i do?

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Jo1
January 6th, 2017 at 7:21 PM
Run! You’re young. The truth is at your age, you don’t need anyone even though you may think you do, and the last thing you need is to feel second to some other woman’s children. Explore the world. Have fun. Develop your passions. No one can ever give you the joy you can find within yourself by cultivating your true creative nature. I am with a man four years now. At first I was okay with his son, but now I see that I play second fiddle to everything. I bought a house with this man, a beach house and can find no peace in it because his son face times his mother all the time. It is like she is in my house. Please, I know you probably care for him or maybe evenlove him, but love yourself more. You deserve so much better. Love yourself more. Do not waste your time or energy.

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Eblah
January 9th, 2017 at 5:48 AM
Agreed. It’s almost a year into our relationship and I am acting as if its the first 2 months.. still trying to figure out stay or go. Now I have a promise ring… Oh dear God.

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What now
January 31st, 2017 at 12:07 PM
So my story is that I had multiple miscarages with my ex husband some of which lead to blood transfusions and emergency surgery. They were frightening! Ex husband left me after his affair to be with thing he had the affair with. I never thought I’d fall in love again. I met my current man, he has 2 kids and didn’t want anymore. I thought that’s ok I wasn’t sure I wanted any my own health had been put on the line before trying. I fell hard for my new man and his 2 children. Feelings I thought had gone due to being frightened resurfaced. Ex husband gets in touch he’s having more mc’s and it might be his fault. I watch my man with his children, I love them but BM is in the background (she’s an absolute narcissist and nightmare) undermining any relationship I try to forge with the children. And bam there it is I want my own. My man thinks I lied to him when we met. This hurts so much I love him and the kids so much, I help him raise his two, cook, clean, help with home work, buy books toys and even school uniforms for them. My life is dictated by their schedule, everything is around them but I’m denied my own child. I’m told if I want I child I must leave and find someone new (not only do I love him and them but I’m 37 and don’t think I could love anyone more or want someone else’s kids). I’m heartbroken and don’t know what to do, I love them but feel resentment creeping in which is so not me. He doesn’t want more kids because it was a horrible experience both times with his ex. He is also worried how it would effect his two and says he would feel to guilty living with our child and not the other two full time. I think I have to leave even if I’m on my own forever. I just can’t get over he gave her everything even though he apparently didn’t even like her (she got pregnant the first time they had sex and gave him an ultimatum relationship or never see your child so he tried to make it work for kid and even gave her a second child) I’m crying all the time and hiding it from him.

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daftar
July 10th, 2017 at 12:59 AM
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Smile
July 10th, 2017 at 10:17 AM
Dear,
I am in the same situation. I the beginning neither I wanted children, and it was fine, now I think that my opinion changes and one day I d love to have a baby. So why I should be stopped by someone because he already has his own and had bad experience with someone else??! I didn t do aything wrong, ad as a any other woman should have a choice. So please, as my advise is to leave him. I know you love him, but you should be also a little bit selfish too.. He should think about you too, but he doesn’t. Just think about this>
…How would you feel (if you stay in this relationship) if you will not have any kids for the rest of your life?
….How you will feel seeing growing up his kids and thinking you will never have yours?
….Would you be happy?

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Changinthegame
July 25th, 2017 at 10:29 AM
I’ve known the man I’m with for over 5 years. Prior to us getting together, he was married. They have a 3 year old, who I adore and she adores me. However, the mother who I’ve known also before their relationship ended, never blamed me for failed relationship but is very manipulative. They’re now in the final stages of divorce, which I know for a fact she thought would never happen. She was hopeful for a very long time, although he was in denial. They consider themselves to be the best co-parents, however, the bs is phony. You hardly got along together, now they acting as if they are best friends. I’ve invest a lot in this relationship. I have no children, a career and degree. I’ve shown my love to their child on days when she’s sick, bdays and anything in between, however, I always feel like the outsider when they are supposed to be discussed between me and him about the child. It seems as though things are only discussed between them and it’s only if I ask, I get answers. At a young age, she needs to learn mannerism, and they both slack on it. He calls to speak to the child daily, and she speak only when she wants to. The mother does not correct this behavior because she wants to have the conversation with him, while the child occupies her time doing whatever she wants. I bring this to his attention and it’s WW3! I’ve always felt I wanted to be in a relationship with a childless man to create our own, however at my age, just as there are many women with children, there are fathers who help create them. It’s seems hard to find a man without children, let alone one who don’t have a lingering mother who don’t just keep focus on the child solely find new love. I love them both, however, it’s tiring…. It’s not about the child for me, it’s the DAMN MOTHER!

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Ram
August 28th, 2017 at 2:53 PM
This is a great blog.

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Irene K
August 24th, 2018 at 2:37 AM
Hello everyone,
I am 36 and having same big issue with my still husband….. He is asking for divorced after two times I am leaving my home and quiting my job because of him and my son’s school just to move to live in his country and now we are literally in the street with my son.
To share a bot more … We started dating 3 years ago as both of us are from EU but different countries… He had 2 kids from before and this was totally okay I have one boy from before…. It was a big struggles for us to start living together , settled us same country but it was his country… He cant move anywhere because of hid 2 daughter from before / he is sharing 50% custudy… I have fully custudy with my son but we are with really good friendship situation with his father with who we were together and married fo 8 years but just loved faded in the time to happen more friends with him…
He started wanting divorce just because I said to him is good to have also our own kid and he said his kids from before is his first priority and he doesnt want kids with me and my son must comply with them not they with us… I was thinking if you move forward with your life yes you love and take care of your kids but you also make priority your new wife and you want to have kid with her and establish new family, not just somene follows only your old family …. I dont know what to say and do … should I divorse him and move forward with my life and find a guy who is fresh and wants real family and kids with me?
My husband also treats not so good my son but he require and demands from from me to take care of his spoilt kids as their my own but meantime he called even my kid basterd…. :(
This is what my still husband saying and acting I think he is very controling type man or just my fault …. I am confused do not know what to do….
This is our last convo.. what do you think.. Must I just move on or save my marriage…
ME:You can’t speak.. so that’s why I am asking you in messages… Do you love me? Yes or not only? Do you respect me ? Yes or no? Do you miss me? Yes or not? Do you think you did it right to me last year ? Yes or no? Do you think I am something lower than you you can treat me like this? Are you even worried about me and my health? Yes or not? I don’t want to know anything else? Do you think you are controlling type of man? That’s all what I want to know? Only with yes or not! Thank you .. I couldn’t be more concrete than this one !
HE: Yes, yes, yes and yes (on the first 4 qs) but you need to be able to understand why and how. Problem is that you aren’t and then it simply is tough and dead case.  I don’t anywhere think you are lower but your experience, understanding, sincerity, power of giving is not respectful.  I am not more worried about you then I am worried about my best friend that is in trouble. I want nothing else that good for you but when you are pushing all blames in my corner without even understanding your own part and responsibilities about things I cannot do more.  With all that said I am done as I have told you. Sometime you will grow to understand but with all your wall and limitations that stops you doing the same I can not know the progress.
I am not scared to commit at all but will only commit to a person that is right for me and who also understands that I love my kids and they will always be first(together as my partner can be). It’s going to drag in the time, I don’t feel any rush, ok with me and then expect good for you also.
ME;:Your kids must be equally with your partner at the same way… not less …. not more.. when you find how to balance with this suddenly look you can have a partner and wife and so on!!!!! You don’t expect anything good for me but it will eat you up day by day my absence.
HE: Ok thanks. A partner that doesn’t understand that my kids even will be my kids when I am 95 with all that it means and that I will always be a father towards them the best I possibly can has nothing to do in my life simply.
And all of this came just because I want we have our own kid with him after 3 years together and after 1 year married…..????
Hope you can give me an advice here, cause I am broken….

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Anon
July 26th, 2019 at 11:22 AM
Does anyone read this anymore? 2019 here and I guess many people are still experiencing this problem, or at least still questions their own decisions on the matter.

My questions is; does anyone else have the problem of being in love with their SO but genuinely hates the fact that they have kids? Idk if it is jealousy or an attention problem or what, but I hate the fact that we cannot do all of the things we want because there is a 3 yo and a 6 month old to constantly care for.

My girlfriend has full physical custody of the two girls, and the father only takes them once a week. Day care is too expensive in this area so we literally only have one night a week to go out on a date, sleep in, and run errands without being held back by the kids.

Don’t get me wrong, the kids are indeed very well mannered (as much as a toddler and baby can be that is), but I never get a full nights sleep anymore and I barely get attention half the time because she is always catering to the kids (yes I help as well when I am not busy with work or school work).

I was not ready to have kids anytime soon, but I absolutely am in love with this woman. Any advice? Oh, and I absolutely hate her POS ex-husband, and I hate that they even talk or have to talk because of the kids. I also do not like how they see each other twice a week to exchange the kids. However, this is mainly because he has tried to get her back twice now and I have a good friend whose fiancé cheated on him with her baby’s father.

Again, love this woman; hate the fact that she has kids. I do not hate the kids themselves, I just wish that she did not have them just yet.

Best,
Anon

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Mae
July 26th, 2019 at 12:30 PM
I know exactly how this feels… I have to sacrifice everything for him. It’s funny but not!

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R
July 28th, 2019 at 4:26 AM
Hi Anon,
I know how you feel too. Being in a relationship with my SO has been one of the hardest challenges in my life. He has a now 9 year old girl who absorbs most of his attention, time and resources.
I visited this site about two years ago to try to find an answer as to whether I should stay with him or leave. At that point we were one year into the relationship, I was deeply in love with him but seriously considering leaving because of him having a kid. Him and his ex have shared custody so she’s arround half the time. It was so hard to not be able to do what we wanted when we wanted, and to feel like I was not his first priority. That was my main thing which I realised later: I was having a hard time accepting she is going to be his priority whenever she’s around because she’s a kid and therefore needs care and attention from her father. By not accepting this and fighting it in my head I was essentially not accepting her, and even though I was doing it unconsciously, I was pushing her away. I was jealous of the love and attention my SO was giving her even though I didn’t realise it at the time. Him having a kid caused me a lot of pain and my rational side was screaming leave, but my romantic utopic side didn’t want to let go because I loved him so much.
After a lot of soul searching I decided to stay. We’ve been together for 3 and a half years now and I love him dearly, but it’s been quite an emotional ride to be in this relationship. I’ve had to work hard on myself and overcome some of my emotions. It helped me grow and mature a lot, but it was incredibly hard. We’ve been living together for a year and a half now and that’s been hard as hell to adjust to as well – I could write a 10 page reply just on that!
Point is things get easier over time as the kids get older and less dependent on their parents and as you learn to adjust and adapt to the situation, and develop a relationship with the kid yourself. But it’s still much, much harder than a kid-free relationship. I love my SO and am proud of how far we’ve come and the things we’ve accomplished together. I also love my step daughter and it has been an absolute pleasure to watch her grow and see I have influenced the she is becoming. But if my SO and I ever call it quits (been close to a couple times), I can guarantee you I will never ever do this again. Never, no way. It’s too damn hard.

Wish you all the best.

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Anon
September 3rd, 2019 at 9:41 AM
R,
I never got a chance to say thank you for your post from back in July, I did decide to stay and we’ve been making it work the best we can. What definitely keeps me going is the though that they won’t be dependent children forever and sooner or later it’ll just be me and my SO, but then again one of them is now only 7 months old so of course that won’t be for a long while. But I agree, if for whatever reason we don’t work out, never again will I date somebody or fall for somebody who has children. We’ve been together for almost a year now, so hopefully nothing but good things moving forward <3
-Anon

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Grace
September 1st, 2019 at 11:20 PM
Hi. I am 20 and my boyfriend is 22. He got his ex pregnant when they were 17 and he did not want the baby. She refused to have an abortion and now the kid is 4 years old. I really don’t like the kid, I’ve tried to tolerate it and try my best to be sweet, but he’s a nightmare. We were dating for about a month before my boyfriend told me. He has had the kid everyday for 2 years with the kids mother seeing the kid occasionally he also lives with his dad and works maybe once a week. He has no life outside of the kid being forced on him. I really feel I love my boyfriend. I sadly never ever wanted to be with anyone with any kids from a previous relationship. Sadly also he wants nothing to do with raising the child, but feels he has to be a part of his life by maybe seeing him for holidays or randomly. I don’t want a step kid, but again I don’t want that kid to suffer because his parents are incompetent. I don’t think it’s healthy that my boyfriend is only being around the kid for guilt, he says he loves his child, but it’s so hard to understand. What should I do? I’ve been thinking I should leave, my boyfriend has a plan to give the kid to his mother and her full custody. I know I will never consider that child part of my family if I were to marry his father or anyone with a kid. Now I also feel my boyfriend doesn’t love me as much as he thinks. We also have a 2 hour distance, but I seem him every weekend. When he’s with me I’m happy, but when he’s gone it feels like there’s nothing but empty “I love you”s and me being so hateful towards how he cannot keep living like this and how I can’t stand him having this mess in his life. Please give me a bit of advice on what I should do. I want to be with him, but I really don’t like the fact how he is handling this and just the overall fact that its an issue.

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Ellen
September 3rd, 2019 at 5:22 AM
You’re young, if you cannot accept he has a kid or welcome the kid into your family then you should leave. Being a step mum is very hard even when you accept and welcome them.

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Brooklyn
January 19th, 2021 at 2:17 PM
If he told you when you started dating then yes. I can not tell you what to do. You chose.

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sweet
January 20th, 2021 at 7:12 AM
But if you never dated a man with kids, how do you know who it goes? right?

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amy
February 24th, 2021 at 8:21 AM
run run run and run some more !!!

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Debra Jo
March 11th, 2021 at 4:44 AM
My husband left me and said he no longer loves me after spending 9years together, We have a beautiful daughter of 6 Years. I was not able to understand just how someone can fall out of love after 9years marriage The fact that he feels the way that he does. He no longer wants to do anything with me talk to me or see me I feel that our marriage can be saved but it was miserable when my partner doesn’t want anything to do with me. few weeks ago a friend told me about Dr Jacob and i was reach him through his email [Jacobman41@outlook. com] after 7 days my husband came to me and he admitted that everything he had been doing to me was wrong and he truly apologized. thanks to manuka he did perfect job to safe my marriage. email is being attached to my post to contact him.

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Cris
August 6th, 2021 at 8:04 AM
Are the “moms” in the picture? (This post is ancient but relevant)
This is alot to take on, and I certainly think yiou have valid concerns.
Just because you try your best to make a “blended family” work, does not mean it will.
I took on (2) teenage stepkids (2 different moms) and to this very day, as adults in their 40’s, , they still do not talk to me or treat me like family.
In retrospect, I wish I had run like the wind.
The Dad is a narcissist and the (2) biological moms, were a royal nightmare.
I’m long gone, I saved myself and found MY SMILE.
Wishing you every joy~

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Needing Clarity
August 9th, 2022 at 7:13 PM
Well here I go. I guess even writing this means I should walk away but I definitely need some input or just to put it out in writing.
Here is my story. I was 26 and an intern when I met me 50 year old NOW boyfriend. We hit it off and were insanely attached to eachother. In fact, after 1.5 years we still act and feel the same way as we did. If he didn’t have the problems that he has with his previous marriage , we would be all in getting married. LIVING IT UP! you may think wow 26 years thats already a deal breaker for some. Trust, I thought about this too and yes it is scary to think he will most likely die first (morbid I know) and I will be left alone at 60 years old. Well, thats ok. I think. We can cross that bridge when it comes. The biggest issue right now is his past relationship. Like I said, he is 51 now, getting divorced from his wife of 25 years and they have two very cute boys (13 and 12) SCANDAL ALERT!! he cheated on his wife for me. and yes I knew he had a wife and kids and we even talked about it. We simply knew we were going to be together and were obviously very selfish. I assumed everything was going to be ok. and he also thought the same. the wife found out through a social media app (someone told her) . It blew up and they DO NOT get along anymore. They weren’t getting along very much when they were married but even know, they can’t speak to each other unless it is court appointed and the kids had a very hard time with it too. The boys have refused to meet me after a year of knowing daddy had a girlfriend. I wonder if this is their decision or their mom feeding them disdain for me. Either way, I understand why they wouldn’t want to meet me. It is alot to go through for children or anyone for that matter. Him and I fight over time spent together. It used to be every other weekend but now he works out of state and I dont see him that much and he doesnt see them that much. I feel bad but I would never stay in something because I feel like I messed things up. I want to feel like a priority but I know kids do come first when they are young. I go through waves of feeling like I want to be with him forever to I want to live in a van and run away from all of it. He says I just need some patience which is true. I do rush things. But, I dont know how or if these boys and the ex wife will ever come around. The divorce proceedings are taking all his money and he still has to give half of his earnings to her. He makes a good amount of money but I just don’t know what SHE is going to be like, THEY are going to be like and if im down for it all. Luckily. Im not pregnant, not married and im capable of living on my own but I dont want to run before I think its 100% never going to work out. I need clarity. I need to be less anxious about the future but I am someone who likes to plan. Also, him and I did get pregnant 6 months into our relationship and it was a wonderful surprise out of LOVE but I decided to terminate it because I felt unready to be a mom. Plus, I can’t imagine telling his kids / wife surprise!! another baby. It would be chaos and I wouldn’t want that baby to be hated by someone right from the start of their life. Right now, he is holding on strong and he doesn’t want to leave me and the times when I feel overwhelmed becasue of time spent with me and time spent with them , he says be patient. It is fairly new and I do want to see where this can go. When we first started dating I envisioned something completely different but I still have so much love for him. I can’t change his situation ( I wish he was divorced already ) and he cant change my attitude. I feel safe, loved, fun and I feel like he is someone I want to be with obviously! but theres this jealousy and extra shitty attitudes that are weighing his and mine relationship down. will they ever change? who knows! but I am a lovely person and I feel like we could get along. Sadly, the way the romance started affected them a lot more than it did me. There must be an answer rather than just RUN FOR THE HILLS because I dont want to do that really. I know life is complicated and I made it 100 x more complicated but im not just going to f someones life up than walk away becasue its too much. At least right now when not everything is clear. Maybe I wait to meet his kids or give it a time limit. What if they never want to meet me and im just waiting as a bystander that has to leave the house every other weekend becasue he needs to be with them . Ya , I forgot to mention that. For the past 1 year, every other weekend, I leave our apartment for a few hours or sometimes the whole day and go hang out at my parents home (luckily its so close) or I do something on my own while he hangs with his kids. They refuse to meet me and i leave. Im sick of doing that. I haven’t done it in a while because he’s been out working but I am pretty fed up and anxious about the next time I get put into a corner to leave. I want him to have a relationship with his sons but I feel like me leaving is pushing this a little too far. I will put my foot down next time. UGH! that bit obviously stresses me out the most. Anyway, for now I will be patient and continue to think about me and what makes me happy but I need some help.

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Denny
September 21st, 2022 at 2:03 AM
Am 19 yrs old I have boyfriend and later found out he has a girlfriend and a kid baby boy I am so confused I don’t know what to do should I quit ir continue and he is still staying with the girl in the same house I don’t even know’s his house what do I do

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Maryam
June 15th, 2023 at 12:30 PM
Hi I am in love relationship with my BF for a year . Everything working out very good between us but now , I realized he has wife and 2 children in his back home and they want to divorce .. He did not tell me about his past and present and he seems to love me so much but I am not sure if they are divorcing because of me or problem was from before . They have 14 years of marriage and now I don’t even know what to do ! My hart is bleeding inside me .. I don’t know how to stay and I dont know how to leave … I feel like it’s end of world and nightmare .. Please advise

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Cris
June 16th, 2023 at 1:02 PM
He’s been lying to you the whole time.
You know what to do.
You don’t need strangers to validate the obvious. Be glad you found out now and take action.
Remember…”the words you speak become the house you live in.”
Do you want to live with a liar?

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