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I Can’t Get Over My Husband’s Affairs

Dear GoodTherapy.org,
I'm having difficulty dealing with the anger involved in my husband's two affairs. I caught him at it both times. He is trying to do everything he can but I get snarky with him. I'm so angry all of the time. I want him to suffer too! I know this isn't healthy. How do I get beyond it? - Betrayed

Dear Betrayed,

The question is short and to the point—it sounds like you feel betrayed and are angry, want revenge, and want to know how to get over this. I feel embarrassed that my answer is so much longer than the question, and I ask for patience; this is a painful and difficult experience.

I have questions, too. I wonder how long you have been married, if you have children, and if there have been other instances of betrayal that may not be confined to the sexual area. I wonder about your ability to communicate. I worry that you and your spouse are not partners, but adversaries, and maybe have been for a long time.

Let’s focus on dealing with anger. You say you “get snarky.” Are snarky remarks a way to gradually let off the anger, preventing a full-fledged rage response? Have you been angry for a long time?

It sounds like you want revenge. That’s understandable—an eye for an eye, so to speak. Unfortunately that leads to blindness all around.

A poet, Ron Padgett, advises staying angry for a week, then dropping the anger but not forgetting the reason for it.

Sounds good, but how?

Some ways to release anger are: physical activity, emoting, meditating, writing in a journal, doing art, talking things over with friends as well as the person who made you angry in the first place, seeing a therapist if the anger is of long duration. All these methods work; try them all or the ones you like best. Consulting a couples therapist deserves primary place on this list.

Couples therapy will help you communicate with each other in a protective environment, where you can both be clear about your feelings and what may have caused this painful breach of trust, so you can figure out together what to do next. As you each learn how the other feels and thinks, you may develop more empathic responses to each other, and the marriage will strengthen. Alternatively, it may become clear that the marriage cannot continue—in this case therapy may help you part with less rancor, so that the good memories of your relationship can survive. This is especially important if you have children, but even if you don’t you will part more completely if you’re not bound to each other with rage, which can act like glue and prevent you from moving on with your life. A couples therapist can also help you decide if individual treatment might be helpful.

Most important: remaining angry for long periods of time causes physiological changes, such as a rise in blood pressure and literal aches and pains, and it sets the stress response going on a 24-hour basis. Not good. So it’s a question of health to learn ways to deal with strong emotional responses.

I wish you and your spouse good luck and patience in learning how to communicate with each other and live without fear, anger, or despair.

Lynn Somerstein Biography

 
Comments
  • Beck williams July 16th, 2012 at 4:03 PM #1

    I have been in this exact same boat before so I know how she feels. Everyone tells you to let go of the anger, but I was just like she is and wanted him to suffer and be hurt just like I was. Eventually I couldn’t take it anymore that I was the one feeling the brunt of the pain and I filed for divorce. I wish that I would have been able to get over it but I just never saw that happening.

  • A.I July 17th, 2012 at 2:25 AM #2

    There is really no “getting over” for some people,is there? All they want to do is hold on to something they completely exaggerate at times and although sorries have been told and new commitments made they never seem to let go.

  • Steph July 17th, 2012 at 4:21 AM #3

    And you should not feel like you have to get over it!
    I am so tired of hearing that the only way for it to survive is for you, the one who has been wronged, to just move on.
    That’s why women continue to get screwed over, because we are the ones who are constantly being told to go and be a good wifey now and put all of that behind you.
    Well I for one am ready to burn some bras again and say that women shouldn’t have to take all of this from society anymore.

  • asher July 17th, 2012 at 12:19 PM #4

    Haven’t we all made mistakes in life? Not that this excuses his having the affairs, but I think that sometimes we are so quick to blame someone else for everything that we tend to forget that maybe we have some responsibility for their actions. We have to look at our own lives and think about the things that we maybe did or didn’t do that could have led to these things happening. Obviously when someone chooses to cheat, they are making a horrible choice. There are far better answers than doing that, but cheating I guess seems like the easy way out, or a way to escape what is going on at home. I know that this is probably not a popular opinion, but I think that sometimes you do have to let it go, accept part of the blame, especially if you ever want to stay in the marriage. If you don’t care about saving it, then fine, go ahead and rage.

  • Tyler July 18th, 2012 at 4:30 AM #5

    If you can’t get over them, then maybe this is your way of trying to tell yourself something.

    If the marriage is worth saving, then you will want to save it and go through all of the motions, both of you together, to make that happen.

    When you are at the point though, where you can’t move on, you can’t find it is you to forgive and move on, then maybe that is your answer right there. Perhaps the marriage was over before you even found out about the affairs, and the healthies thing to do at that point would be to put an end to it. That’s the only way that you can then allow yourself to move on and find joy in life again.

  • Dr. Lynn Somerstein July 19th, 2012 at 6:57 PM #6

    This letter was written by a woman whose husband was the cheater, but women can be cheaters too. I wish that gender hadn’t been mentioned at all. Sometimes I try to avoid gender specific words so I can find the underlying energy and universality of people’s stories and their meanings.

    Most people react with shock and disbelief when they find out that their loved one is cheating, but in all things, the individuals involved and their personal feelings dictate what happens next. There is no one right answer.

    Holding on to anger is different than living through it, of course, and has unhealthy consequences.

    How wonderful to read these many different reactions and opinions. Thank you.

  • Rochelle July 23rd, 2012 at 3:00 PM #7

    I think the question here is how to heal from the hurt (or, get over the anger). It’s certainly not easy and may not happen even after leaving the relationship.
    Such a deep betrayal of trust, vows, committment and love is hard to recover from but not impossible. With the right guidance and enough support, reclaiming ones own life and taking anger by its horns is possible

  • Lynn Somerstein July 23rd, 2012 at 7:26 PM #8

    Hi Rochelle-
    You’re right, recovering from a betrayal takes a lot of wisdom and energy, whether the relationship continues or does not–but remaining embroiled is a life spoiler. First up- take good care of yourself; after that you can deal with others.
    Thanks for your comments.
    Take care,
    Lynn

  • Jake Untespeck August 4th, 2012 at 4:40 AM #9

    My problem in this situation wold not be recovering from it, it would be trust going forward. Cheating and making it back the first time, OK everyone deserves a second chance.

    Catching the person a second time, I would simply be looking for when would we get the third time to occur?

  • Lynn Somerstein August 5th, 2012 at 4:21 PM #10

    Hi Jake- Well said- I think that’s exactly what many people would wonder.

  • Carrie August 15th, 2012 at 6:54 AM #11

    When the affair is first discovered the pain is deep and it shatters your world. I suffered through trying to keep the marriage together for 10 years and then one day realized that I was doing all the work, and what I was doing wasn’t working. I was attending counselling and I was working hard…but marriage requires the input of two willing participants. I knew it was time to crave out a different life. I think my husband was shocked that I had come to this decision and made all types of promises if I would stay..but I knew in my heart that I had tried my best and that it was time to move on. The anger, diappointment and fear were all gone, and I had found hope and faith in myself. That was 12 years ago and I am a much stronger person now. I learned so much from my failed marriage. I am a better person, a better mother, a better boss and a better wife (yes I found a wonderful man much better suited to me….I learned what I didn’t want and what I did want). I have never felt better or happier. I am on good terms with my ex-husband which is so important for your childrens sake and still see his family frequently. We just attended our daughter’s University graduation together and were able to share in her joy and remember the good times that we had shared as a family. I think because I let go of the anger it helped me move through the divorce with clearer thinking. As for my ex-husband he has had another failed marriage and a string of failed relationships. He seems sad and lonely. I guess I should feel that he got what he deserved, but really I think he just didn’t open himself up to learn anything from the experience. He didn’t open himself up to grow or learn.

  • Lynn Somerstein August 15th, 2012 at 12:36 PM #12

    Carrie, Your generous spirit and mature thinking shine through your letter- your story is an inspiration; you show what can happen to our lives when we work something through and change not just a relationship but an entire way of being.
    Hats off to you! Your have taken good care of yourself and your children and found your way to the life that you deserve,

  • Josie Majcher September 8th, 2012 at 7:33 PM #13

    I have discovered my husband has been having a sexting affair with my best friend. I am starting the anger phase. I am also empty nesting: 2 away at college and one 15 year old left here at home. He says he now knows that sexting is wrong—but he sent pictures of himself and texted that he loved her and wanted to meet after his volleyball game. I am a lost woman trying to find herself. I was a stay at home mom who worked week ends, volunteered when the kids were younger. Yes, i feel devasted—I did not know anything was wrong. I have begun to pedal my bike, started yoga, lost 77 pounds, am taking lessons to learn to play sand volleyball—they are free, I am looking for a job. He makes too much money for free counseling and we live pay check to pay check, so I am trying to do this “recovery” on my own. I am happy I can vent here and read that I am NOT alone. Thank you —-for “listening” it helps too.

  • Ted September 9th, 2012 at 9:29 PM #14

    Affairs are what you get when you marry the good looking succesful guy with the big bucks. Women have no interest in a nice guy who treats them well. They want the big house, The fancy car. The exotic vacations and in the end they get what they deserve. No sympathy here.

  • Francesca September 17th, 2012 at 2:48 PM #15

    My husband has been carrying on an affair with an old flame for three years and the extent of the betrayal has only recently become clear to me/ I can’t imagine letting go but feel I must and I don’t know how. My emotions veer all over the place, fear replaced by anger, by despair, humiliation, envy, self-hatred.

  • Dr. Lynn Somerstein September 21st, 2012 at 5:23 PM #16

    JOsie- you sound like you have a plan- a good one. Sometimes you can find low cost therapy, which would help too. I salute your fabulous progress.

  • Dr. Lynn Somerstein September 21st, 2012 at 5:24 PM #17

    Hi Ted-
    You sound like you’ve had some tough experiences of your own, but, take it from me, not all women go for the big bucks.
    Take care, thanks for writing,
    Lynn

  • Dr. Lynn Somerstein September 21st, 2012 at 5:25 PM #18

    Francesca, it’s so hard to realize something like this. If might help to talk things out with a professional, who will help you get over your fears and self hatred.
    My heart goes with you.
    take care,
    Lynn

  • Erica October 3rd, 2012 at 12:24 PM #19

    My husband has been having an affair for 21 months now with a married woman who he dated 20 yrs ago, he claims he never loved me, he is angry at me, and blames everything on me. I love him dearly, but he will not respect me or our marriage as this is his second affair. I have been alone for almost two years, just working on my own personal growth, the only reason I am not angry anymore, but he will not grow up, we still have a son to raise who is going through hell because his dad is not the dad he used to have. How can I help my husband to just have a working relationship with me for our child? My child and myself are in counseling while he screams obsenity’s at me in divorce court.

  • Lucy October 9th, 2012 at 4:09 AM #20

    My spouse was involved in $300.00-$500.00 a month of porno from pay per view and rented videos. During this time and before I was literally begging him to be intimate with me and tried many self improvements to hopefully help my plot. When I confronted him hed said he was glad I found out. To my knowledge he stopped the “viewings.” I felt so betrayed,enraged, and confused. I still am and that was 5 years ago. We sleep in different rooms and hardly ever are intimate and I feel nothing. I have been seekinng therapy and am getting nowhere. I have resumed the habit of cutting my feet. Sometimes I spend hours doing this. I need help. Thanks!

  • Kelly October 18th, 2012 at 3:01 PM #21

    My experience is similar to others mentioned. My husband has cheated on me several times. One of these incidents reulted in a child that is between my children in age. How embarrassing!! We’re still married but like one of the other respondents I constantly resist the urge to try and catch him; it is as if I am just waiting for it to happen again.

    I have tried to get past it, but I haven’t been able to truly put it all behind me. We have a decent life, but I feel very unfulfilled.

    I am not anxious to leave the marriage because of my children, but at the same time, I’m not sure I can keep going like this either. I am encouraged by Carrie’s story and Josie’s story.

    Thank you for this space.

  • Regina October 22nd, 2012 at 12:36 AM #22

    I am so happy to hear so many comments from women’s past experience. I just found out my husband is having an affair with a gal half my age. We stop intimating since 4 years ago but his excuse was he was getting old and not interested in sex. Now I know the truth so I feel betrayed, hurted and devasted. I confront him and he says he will end it, but do you think I can trust him to do so? I saw their texts they called each other husband and wife. I have 3 abnormal children and2 grandchilren. We have been very happy together because although he had had been cheating on me, he treat me and the family well. Please help me. I love him and this family too much to get a divorce to destroy this family.

  • Vanessa November 18th, 2012 at 6:50 AM #23

    Once TRUST is lost due to cheating on ANY level, it is the most difficult thing to get back especially in a LOVE relationship. It is a VIOLATION of the heart towards the person, you say, You love. Love is a GIFT. When we take vows before MEN and in the PRESENCE of God, it should mean somthing and be taken seriously. I recently had a situation occur that I found devastated to learn about infidelity. When a man or a woman CHEATS, it like being a criminal of the heart and dangerous. A man cheating whose wife was unaware of his EXTENSIVE cheating with MANY and various women, including strippers, co-workers, you name it ( any woman with a vagina who he found attractive) was subjective his wife to HIV/AIDS without little regards to her feelings and well-being. How can we justify or condon this kind of activity in a relationship when it encompasses so much more. Be a man or a woman and not a coward. If the marriage is over, get out legally and rightfully. If it is worth saving, BREAK all ties and don’t put yourself in a compromising position with someone outside your marriage. It is ALL about choice and desire. As for cyberspace cheating, GET SOME HELP, because those images will not be there when you need a helping and loving hand to help through sickness and other personal challenges WHEN your wife leaves you.

  • lorna November 20th, 2012 at 1:06 AM #24

    My husband cheated with my best friend and had a son 3months younger than my son this was the 2nd time I found out he always bring his girlfriends home and the first one was his collegue at work where he even admitted having sex in the office now he is retired an I work on his nerves her can even support or want to acknoledge that son that look identical to him I still stay with him but hate every minute of my life I feel like commiting suicide he even insist on me going to church with him and dressing a certain way not cutting my hair no pants and tell me I am to fat

  • Lynn Somerstein November 22nd, 2012 at 9:14 AM #25

    Reading your letters, filled with pain, rage, and the shameful feelings that often arise when feeling betrayed, I would like to give especial comfort today. It is Thanksgiving Day, which may feel especially difficult,and it may be real hard to feel thankful for anything.
    I salute your courage, and wish you warmth, comfort and peace.

  • Kay November 26th, 2012 at 9:19 PM #26

    In september this yr i discovered my husband was exchanging a ton of texts with a woman he claims she wanted him but he says he didnt. I found it hard to believe, was so sad and hurt but forgave and let it go. A week ago I discovered he started chatting and flirting with another girl on facebook and this really devastated me. Im 4 months pregnant and i felt like he was showing his true colors. He appologized sunday and cried to me saying he cant live without me only to go back and continue chatting with her tuesday and flirting even more with dirty talk. I left the house for 3 days then returned… We sleep in different rooms now… We have been married a year and half, he has been so sweet to me but its things like this that make me feel like im married to a careless stupid man. He says im the perfect wife, i wonder what makes him do this. We had other issues already like his extremely poor or non existant communication skills… Now im wondering if it is the end or should we consider counseling. I dont know what counseling would do with him, he is annoyed with questions and simply blvs he should be forgiven. please share your wisdom with me. He is not even trying to reach out to me and see how I’m doing or feeling…. I tried discussing things tonite and he more or less I made a mistake, sorry, get over it. I told him that was not enough. What does this mean?

  • Vanessa November 27th, 2012 at 5:30 AM #27

    Kay, I read your text and my HEART goes out to you. Your husband sounds like a selfish NARCISSITIC. He has no empathy for you even while you are carrying HIS child. My advice to you is seek professional counseling and resources outside your husband to become stronger and have on hand, just in case, you may have to leave him to raise your child on your own. Men who seek pleasure and connect to other women outside their marriages have SERIOUS personal problems and we as women stay too long in bad relationships, even with children. We get caught up in their web of lies and deception and in the mean time, our years and youth slip by, without realizing that is our ticket to a better life and man. If he does not go for help, you need to consider other options for yourself and child. I pray you have the courage and find the right one. Thanks for sharing.

  • Lynn Somerstein November 27th, 2012 at 5:50 AM #28

    Dear Kay-
    How awful– betrayed, repeatedly, when you’re pregnant. I think marital counselling is worth a try– but it will be difficult when one partner has difficulty communicating. I also recommend that you find a counselor to work with individually, who will help and support you in this difficult time, which is even harder to bear during this holiday season.
    Take care, good luck, my thoughts go with you.
    Lynn

  • Mia December 12th, 2012 at 9:58 PM #29

    Anger, Pain, and those repeated words of “the past is the past” and “why do you keep bringing it up like its going to change anything?” Why is it seem like I am the one who wants to argue just because I can’t forgive. Forgiveness don’t just complete itself overnight, right after the words escaped your mouth. But just because I can’t control the daily attacks of heartache and shed tears uncontrollably doesn’t make me the bad person who intentionally tries to initiate arguments. How can forgive when I’ve sacrificed so much… I haven’t stopped crying since last December until now. How can I not be angry? Being only 22, married for just 3 years to someone who threw me out the house with an excuse of wanting to be single but only to cheat on me with a minor for almost a year… How can I not be angry when I been depressed enough to screw up in college and went through a miscarriage. Tell me… How can I forgive?… How can I move on when I love this person for more than a quarter of my own life? I want to forgive, I want to not be angry, and I want to get out of depression. I want to love again but I am just so ANGRY. Help me, someone, anyone…

  • Lynn Somerstein December 13th, 2012 at 12:04 PM #30

    Mia, your hurt is so deep. You write that you are angry, resentful, and terribly depressed, suffering an overload of pain that needs someone’s help to make it bearable; you simply can’t carry it all by yourself.Is there a way that you can find that someone? Perhaps a trusted friend or relative, better yet- perhaps a counselor who has experience helping people with these issues.

  • Poshy December 24th, 2012 at 5:42 AM #31

    I know were u come from my problem exactly as yours I bottle up a lot and when I burst things go mad. Speak to a friend your mom someone close to you and see how it goes tell him how you feel don’t bottle up your emotions it will kill you inside

    Hope this helps!!

  • Lynn Somerstein December 24th, 2012 at 8:31 AM #32

    Well said, Poshy! Thank you.

    Take care,
    Lynn

  • Jeff December 27th, 2012 at 8:09 AM #33

    I’m the one who cheated, with someone from my past, at a time when I was losing my job. I knew it was wrong, I felt horrible, especially knowing how hard my partner was taking it. In October I cut off all ties with the person I cheated with, and I want to do all I can to make up for this. I’ve treated my partner royally, and on many levels he has responded positively. But on Christmas things fell apart, and it’s clear that under the surface his emotions are still raw. He seems to want some “magic answer” as to why I did what I did, and I don’t have one. He wants me to get counseling, but I think he’s the one who could use it (or both of us together, which I’ve suggested). He doesn’t seem able to get past a certain point with this. and I don’t know what I can do to help him. I definitely want to stay with him.

  • Lynn Somerstein December 27th, 2012 at 10:37 AM #34

    Hi Jeff,
    How sad. Although it’s neither an excuse nor a reason, losing your job can provide an unconscious push towards infidelity, as though the excitement of the new relationship provides an antidote to the depressed feelings that come with being out of work. It’s not, of course, it makes everything worse instead, as you know.
    How about couples counseling to help you stay together? And if the counselor recommends individual treatment for either or both of you that’s not a bad idea either.
    I wish you both calm, love and satisfaction in the new year.
    Take care,
    Lynn

  • Audrey Chambers January 7th, 2013 at 11:36 AM #35

    Wow, I am so sorry that I can empathasize but that’s the truth. Adultery, like death is something you get through but never get over…. I have been married for 28 years and a christian. I hate hypocrisy and liars 2 things that follow cheating but I ended up marrying what I hate the most. I found out 11 years ago and the result is that I do not love my husband. I am clinically depressed and am now just on medication. My husband tries but he has no clue what to do, what to say, or how to function around me, so he just avoids the situation. I am unemployed but I bellieve that is God for if I were working I am so gone. Ladies, you deserve so much more, you are not to blame so be fabulous, eat drink and be merry. There will come a day of reaping. Be blessed.

  • Lori January 16th, 2013 at 2:05 PM #36

    My husband is having his second affair. I found out myself both times. I’m trying to learn to smile again. Maybe it’s for the best, who knows. My marriage is over, but I truly hope we can be somewhat civil towards each other. I do not trust him anymore as my husband but maybe as my friend. I don’t know. I think he is a coward though. Maybe there is a new life out there for me. I do have to take care of myself now. That’s has to be the first thing to do. Thanks and Good Luck to all the broken hearts out there. Please remember no man or woman is ever worth ending you life over! God Bless and be strong.

  • Jayne January 16th, 2013 at 4:47 PM #37

    I have been married for just over 3 years, and was previously married for over 20 years. I thought my current husband and I were soulmates as we had so much in common and he was the person I had been looking for all my life. Things went wrong before we married, but hoped things would get better. I found out that his life is full of lies and contradictions. Now I am not here to run him down, or say all men are the same. But just short of 2 years ago, we decided to move away from all the family as we were experiencing interference from both of our previous families, which was causing us to fight and argue. The day after we moved, we argued and my husband walked out, and got on a plane to go back to where he was born, a long way to go for a holiday.

    Communication was poor in the early days, but eventually I went to visit him and have moved to where he was born. A month after arriving he left his Facebook account open after getting very drunk, he had been exchanging mails with an exgirlfriend and were very explicit. I found out that he had cheated on me prior to leaving months before; and had told her of his plans to move abroad and that our marriage was over. This was the same man who from returning from his trip with his ill mate, had met me from work and cooked me a meal and told me how much he loved me.

    I am now in a place that is alien to me, no money as I used all my savings to get a visa and ship stuff here, left my family and friends behind. I have managed to get a casual job, but money is tight and I still have a credit card bill to clear, as I had to have medical treatment not long after getting here, which was so expensive.

    So here I am today wondering what the hell am I doing? He says he is sorry and that he loves me, but the trust is long gone and I never know if he is telling the truth or not. The sad thing is I love him, but why? Why can’t I switch that one thing off. I will spend another 12 hours alone today, thinking about what I should be doing, as hes gone to work. I am off today and don’t know many people and emigrating to a place so far away and the time difference is taking its toll :( I know its not all about him, but really need some sound advice.

  • Mary Beth February 17th, 2013 at 6:41 PM #38

    My husband had n affair 23 yrs ago. I still can’t get over it. He’s very remorseful. I forgave him but can’t forgive him. I torment myself with the day I found out. It happened over Christmas and he told me he would let me know In a month if he would stay with me or her. We were married at the time for 15 yrs. I remember every word that was said. I also am obsessed with knowing what the mistress is up to. She remarried and has a 16 yr. and turned very religious. I would love to let her know how miserable I feel, while she is having her wonderful little life. I am seeing a therapist next week.

  • R May 24th, 2013 at 5:33 PM #39

    In the first 6 yrs of our marraige my husband used to hit me, he was very jealous and possive, he would listen to people telling lies about me and come home and hit me. I fould out about a girl the day before my baby shower, when i was pregnant with my second child. IThey never had sex but she called my phone til 4in the morning harassing me. I forgave hime, but he ended up accepting her her FR on Facebook…they was another incident when another girl called my phone saying that he was in luv with her, i recorded it and had him listen and he cussed her out. This was 6yrs ago…I ended up forgiving him and put it behind me. He ended up hitting me again up until a 1yr ago….last yr,,I found out on my daughters 5th bday, that he had sleep with her March 2012, the same girl that called my phone saying he was in love with him….I knew this girl, she is from my home hometown which is very small. Thw night that it happen i felt somthing was wrong, my stomach was in knots and when i woke up at 6am, he wasnt home yet. The next day she posted it on Facebook and my friends and family seen. After it came out i wrnt into depression, started drinking heavy and ended up get pacrantis…he hasnt changed, as far i know he hasnt seen her since, but its been a yr and i cant get over it, im embarassed, and ashamed the 1 person i asked him not to sleep with and stay away was the person he slept with..Ive put up with alot from him,but i ready to leave Im having a hard time forfiving him, and frankly I dont think he deserves it. Tired, unhappy, hurt

  • R May 24th, 2013 at 5:34 PM #40

    Oh we’ve been married for 10yrs now. I turned 30 last yr, and this was an eye opener

  • R May 24th, 2013 at 5:35 PM #41

    Excuse the typos, I’m upset.

  • Lynn Somerstein May 25th, 2013 at 10:39 AM #42

    Dear R- Perhaps you should find a women’s group or women’s shelter where you can find help and safety for yourself and your children. This could be a dangerous situation.

  • lou June 2nd, 2013 at 7:01 PM #43

    The day After Mothers Day 2013, I got into a huge argument with my brother involving his fiance. My husband came home and tried to comfort me, but I was so upset i told him i didn’t want him to touch me or talk to me. It must’ve lasted the whole day.

    anyway, im a stay at home mother and 7 months pregnant with his child and we also have 5&6 year old boys and he tells me its over. He wants a divorce. He doesn’t love me and that I’ve pushed him far enough to where its really over. I was so emotional for that whole week, crying and feeling torn. It was like a bad nightmare for me. He stayed out later after work then came home and comforted me, kissing, hugging, loving. It felt good but I felt worse because I knew he was doing it only because I was pregnant.

    Then days later he came home drunk and he passed out. I went through his phone and found pictures of him and another female kissing. I found text messages from other females and confronted him about it. I was devastated and felt like dying. More tears and sleepless nights came. We still slept with each other knowing that he betrayed me. He told me he was in it for our kids. That he never loved me. He was saying more hurtful things. It was like another side of him that I’ve never seen. I couldn’t take it anymore. He said that affair has been going on for a while. I asked him to go to counseling with me, but he said no. He doesn’t want me. He doesn’t love me. He wanted the divorce. So we both talked to our 6 year old about mommy and daddy had to take some time apart from each other. My husband then tells my son more than my son should know, that it was because of the lady he likes and that my son thinks he’d like her. That he’s planning to move in with her or her with him. It was too much information for my son to take. I was so upset with that.
    So on the 23rd of may, I told him I was going to move out of our apartment and that I was taking the kids with me to move to my moms. He said he will leave but I couldn’t afford to live there with the kids, so I left.

    We both agreed that the kids will be with him on Saturdays and back on Sundays. Then I find out that the female he is having a affair with moves in the following week after I moved out and that he wanted to introduce our kids to her and her kids 12 & 14 plus a 7month old baby. I asked to meet with my husband and his mistress the day before that Saturday my kids had to go visit. It was emotional for me as I had a lot of questions for the both of them. I told them that it was wrong for both of them to be moving so fast. I wasn’t comfortable of the fact that my husband would bring another female into my kids life so quickly. I told him he can still visit with his kids, just that he needs to be the only one around them until they can feel more comfortable with everything that’s been going on with us. Saturday came and he never called or emailed to let me know he wasn’t coming.

    right now, even though im not quite ready to file or sign divorce papers, I will be consulting with a family facilitator to see what my legal rights and options are. i just want my life back to normal. I need to be strong for my kids and unborn child. And pray to god that I will endure the pain putting my faith in him.

  • Lisa June 29th, 2013 at 9:32 AM #44

    Asher, seriously, the wronged spouse is not responsible in any way for the cheaters decision to cheat.  The wronged person may share responsibility for any troubles in the marriage, but the decision to cheat is ALL on the cheater.  

    Yes, we’ve all made mistakes in life and, ideally, we repent, atone for them and are forgiven.  This bs of ‘just get over it’ does not help at all, especially if it’s the cheater who’s saying it.  The key to being forgiven is actually repenting.  If at any point the words ‘just get over it’ are spoken, I seriously doubt true repentance has occurred. How arrogant does a person have to be to cheat and then expect his or her partner to ‘just get over it’?  And if someone on the outside of the relationship says it, they obviously don’t understand the depth of the betrayal that has occurred.

  • Dr. Lynn Somerstein June 29th, 2013 at 11:40 AM #45

    Well said, Lisa! Thank you.

  • Cindy June 29th, 2013 at 10:07 PM #46

    My husband told me he was having an affair one morning in Jan 2012. He told me that it had been physical for about 7 months and that it was with someone from work. I have been devastated since. We just had a fight tonight over it, its been 1 1/2 years since it ended, but i cant get over it. I still dont know how this couldve happened behind my back, or how my husband could have done this to me. I hope one day I can move past this, because this is a living hell.

  • Wacold July 5th, 2013 at 9:35 AM #47

    Cindy I get where you are. My husband has an affair and I found out May 8 2012. I am mostly over it as far as the intrusive thoughts and paralyzing pain. I still think about it daily it is just not so intense or long lasting. I do at times feel twinges of anger and almost hate if I’m being honest. When that happens I choose to look at what I have now and how far we have come. There is no doubt us as the betrayed spouse come out on the loosing end in many ways after infidelity but you can grow so much as a person and therefore come out ahead in the long run.

    I had to ask myself what was it that was keeping me from letting it go and what I finally heard was “your ego”. It cost me the way I saw myself through his eyes and I also had to look at my own imperfections. If you can understand it was not about you at all but about how he felt about himself and insecurities. Women today tend to beat our husbands down until they feel they can not win with us or make us happy so they go to a women where they can do those things as well as get appreciated and adored. So really in getting over infidelity I had to get over myself

  • nicole August 5th, 2013 at 7:07 AM #48

    I have been married to my husband for 16 years. We have 3 kids. I discovered a year and a half ago that he has been having an affair for the last 7 year, which resulting in them having a kid who is now 5. I only discovered this info because he butt called me while he was at her house. I felt the ultimate betrayal. He lied and betrayed me for years thinking he would NEVER get caught. He was very smooth because I didn’t notice nothing out of the ordinary. He came home every night, granted I’m sure there were signs I just didn’t see them or didn’t want to see them because he knew I trusted him so much. None the les, for the sake of the kids, time invested and above above all the love I had for him I stayed to work on my marriage. Fast forward to now. I discovered that he is still messing with that women, I found out that he took the other family on a weekend vacation. So I feel like after he begged n pleaded for us to stay together n work it out, it was all in vein, because he always new he wasn’t going to just cut it off after all they been messing around for years and have a child. I should have known better. With the second slap in the face I decided to call it quits. I cannot stand around like a fool and wait for the 3rd slap. I am tore to pieces over this mess. But I have to stand firm on the word of God that this too shall pass and that he will supply all my needs. I am about to step out on faith and embark on a new journey. I don’t know how it will end all I know is I have to start somewhere.

  • K October 19th, 2013 at 7:28 PM #49

    I understand what you are all going through and share your pain. Especially the respondents who speak about intrusive thoughts and the loss of joy. I too have the same story, but my goal here is to let you know you are not alone. Please keep fighting.

  • janu January 7th, 2014 at 3:42 PM #50

    Hi
    I have the same problem but my husband had physical affair with gals before our wedding,now after wedding he looks trustworthy but not sure how long he is going to be the same, im unable to get over his past physical affairs with the gals because i had none, having gf/bf is common but virginity is the limit . Its been one year we are married and still i cant control my anger when i get reminded of his sexual relationships with others. i start crying when i get recollected about his affairs. In the past one year our sexual life was worst, we hardly engaged 10 -12 times in one year. this developed more frustration in me thinking that he had sex with them but not his wife? im so depressed sometimes that i feel like i shouldnt live anymore but the same time he cools me down.
    My question is how to get over his past sexual affairs? i know he has changed my im not sure how long he is going to be the same.

  • Cathy mc Gilligan January 8th, 2014 at 10:43 AM #51

    Omg I just can’t get over this affair. It happened in July and my husband is soo sorry for what he did. I really do mean he is really sorry. He had bent over backwards for me. He is such a good man, this is why I am still so shocked about what happened. He has had an awful lot of stress with work over the last year. I love him so much, and I know he loves me. He can’t believe he did this. O god he has done everything to make things better. All I want is to forget the sordid details that his mistress sent me through Facebook. I want my marriage of 20 years to work,but I really am having much trouble forgetting. We had a grt marriage, no rows, no money worries. He can’t believe he did this and crys regularly too.
    HELP me please xxxxxxx it only lasted 7 mths, but it’s still so hurtful:((((

  • Rosie January 9th, 2014 at 3:00 AM #52

    If you hold on to the past it will destroy you yOu need to find strength in moving forward . You are married now so you need to trust that he loves you and won’t Cheat . I’ve been married for 27 years the last 5 years have been hell ny husband cheated it takes everything I have to move forward but you need faith and trust if you don’t there isn’t any point . But at the same time believe in yourself and your gut instinct I did . Good luck don’t waste your life worrying in something that isn’t but live for what you have good luck

  • Lac January 15th, 2014 at 2:47 PM #53

    Mary Beth-I am in the same place! I found out my husband was having an affair two years ago with my best friend. My husband and I have worked through it, and in some ways stills are. What haunts me is the mistress/best friend. We moved away from the area about 6 months ago and I am obsessed with the her. She and her husband have since separated. I was seeing a therapist but haven’t found one that works for me since we moved. Any advice to stop letting her come between us, psychologically, is appreciated.

  • Pam January 19th, 2014 at 3:50 PM #54

    How do you start trusting again ? My husband had a four month affair with a co-worker. It has been two years and I still don’t trust him. I found out by her husband coming to our house. And he lied about only sleeping with her three times. But the trickle of truth, over three months, I found out he slept with her over 48 times. They met over lunch and went to a park. Her husband even told him to leave her alone. And they just couldn’t. My jib is very stressful and during the time my husband started this whole affair is when I didn’t pay him enough attention and she told him so much bs. I am amazed his head could even get through a door with so much bs.
    The sad thing is I do love my husband, but is it enough to make out marriage work. I still look at his phone and email. It’s like I just can’t let it go. I am so afraid of getting hurt again.

  • Pam January 19th, 2014 at 3:53 PM #55

    He feels guilty. But he made the choice. He could have pushed her away and said “wait I am a married man, I need to work on my marriage.” He took a vow. Maybe he is afraid you will leave and take everything.

  • Cathy mc Gilligan January 25th, 2014 at 1:12 PM #56

    :( I know what ur saying, but he really is truly sorry. He can’t do anything more to prove to me how sorry he is. He also said if I wanted him to,go, he would let me have the house and he would always provide for me and the kids. He is such a lovely man, this is why I am so shocked. It’s not his thing. He did have a awful lot so stress through work, and I know maybe think he was sick or something. It’s me who has the problem coming to terms with this, as we both want our marriage back the way it was. I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel xx

  • Brooke January 28th, 2014 at 6:55 PM #57

    My husband and I will be married 5 years next week. We started having problems in 2010 when I had our daughter. I have a bad temper and would say some pretty crappy things to him. Last July he started apparently having feelings for a coworker and the first night he cheated he told me he was going to the casino and stayed at her house. I was 7 months pregnant at the time and was a surrogate. I found out because she sent him a I miss you text the next day. For 2 months after I found out he continued his affair behind my back and actually got her pregnant. He waited till after we planned a vow renewal ceremony and I had the baby to tell me. I am fighting like hell to not walk out she wants him to sign his rights over so her and her boyfriend can raise the baby. I am struggling so bad and I am in so much pain. How could he do this. He watched me literally fall apart and still kept seeing her. I don’t want to tear my family apart but I am not coping. He is swearing I know it all and there is nothing to hide and that he wants to make us work but I Don’t trust him at all. I want to move past the thoughts and images in my head but don’t know how.

  • Lynn Somerstein January 29th, 2014 at 2:48 PM #58

    Hi Brooke,
    Thanks very much for writing about your troubles. I advise you and your husband to seek marital therapy and see if you can straighten out your relationship, which seems to have gone off the tracks a bit when you became pregnant.
    Good luck, and let me know how it goes.
    Take care,
    Lynn

  • Desiree January 29th, 2014 at 6:00 PM #59

    Its been 5 years since my husband cheated on me,I used to be the most devout Christian believed that all things work to the good of those who love God, I never knew that this would happen to me. Im filled with hate realized that if I can feel this much hate toward that woman that I wish she were dead. she stole the essence of my marriage to a man ive known my whole life. i want what we had before and thats gone, If god were real I could never have fallen this deep into hate. i love my husband and i keep trying to pretend it never happened but every single time i look at my husband kiss him touch him hug him i may be smiling at him but i see them together i see her on her whore knees. Everyday i have to decide if I want to live today because i feel so much pain, I try to forgive i think i understand but then the pain rushes back because of the images in my head i need help i hate what ive become i hate who i am now im so broken

  • Brooke January 29th, 2014 at 8:35 PM #60

    We actually started the day I found out. He did 2 months of it while still seeing her. We have been going for 6 months now. At the appt.today the Dr actually mentioned meds.

  • admin2 January 30th, 2014 at 9:31 AM #61

    Hi Desiree,
    Thank you for your comment. If you feel that this is a crisis situation, it is very important that you seek assistance as soon as possible. You can do one of the following immediately:
    Call your local law enforcement agency (911);
    Go to the nearest hospital emergency room;
    Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TTY:1-800-799-4TTY)

    Further resources can be found at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html.

    We wish you the best!
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Cathy mc Gilligan February 6th, 2014 at 2:51 PM #62

    Hiya Rosie

    Like me I have been married 23 years. Hubby had an affair which started jan 5 last year and I found out in July. Although it was over at this stage. It is killing me to the extent that I feel like taking my own life, if it weren’t for my 3 kids I would. It hurts so so bad. You see he is the nicest man you could meet. No one would ever believe what he has done. He is the perfect husband. Well up until now. I love him so so so much, and I know he loves me the same. We have cried together so many times in the last 8 mths. He just says he can’t understand why he did it. She sent me some of the details through Facebook which has just made a bad situation terribly worse. What am I going to do. My life seems to have ended, I cry every single day, can’t help it. He has been so supportive to me, I love him, but I am afraid I am only staying to make life easy.
    Did you feel as bad as this??? Or I am over exaggerating. Will life ever get back to the way we were. That’s what we want but it’s me who all the problems in my head. Just wish god would come and take me, but what about my beautiful kids!!!!!!

  • admin2 February 7th, 2014 at 1:35 PM #63

    Hi Cathy,
    Thank you for commenting on the GoodTherapy.org Blog! Help is out there, and we want to make sure you have the resources you need to find it. If you are experiencing a life-threatening emergency, in danger of hurting yourself or others, feeling suicidal, overwhelmed, or in crisis, you can do one of the following immediately:

      Call your local law enforcement agency (911);
      Go to the nearest hospital emergency room;
      Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TTY:1-800-799-4TTY)

    You can find further resources on this page: http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html
    In addition, you can look for a therapist on GoodTherapy.org by searching here: http://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html

    We wish you the best!
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Cathy mc Gilligan February 12th, 2014 at 5:39 AM #64

    Tkx x

  • Amanda February 14th, 2014 at 7:57 AM #65

    Im dealing with a similar thing. I caught my bf in a deep, blatant lie that he swore was for no good reason. But since Im not an idiot, I KNOW that if there were no reason, the lie would not have been told. He spent two days away from home under the guise of going to visit his son, and I found out that he had lied to both myself and his son about where he was going to be. Uggh.

    He claims he just wanted to go hunting and thought that I would stop him. BS. He has been going hunting almost every hunting season weekend since we’ve been together and I have NEVER ONCE stopped him from going. Sure I’ve told him that I felt neglected and wished he would spend a weekend with me bc when he’s not hunting, he’s going to see his son and it would be good if he could just sacrifice a hunting weekend for me. But I never told him that he couldn’t and I didn’t put up a stone wall because he refused. So this story about lying to me because I would not have let him go was TOTAL BS.

    He manipulated me because he KNOWS that I would never stop him from going to see his son, so he used that to go do whatever he wanted in secret thinking I would never find out. I guess he got tied up with his other woman and took too long to get to his son because his son called me confused on what time his dad would be there. Total shock for me, considering he had fabricated an entire story to me on the phone the night before about how he and his son were having a great time and even giving me details about what was going on.

    This hurt me to the core. I have overlooked many lies that men (and he) has told and have made excuses for why they did tell the lie but this lie was pointless UNLESS HE WAS WITH ANOTHER WOMAN. That is the ONLY reason. I cannot trust him. How can I ever feel secure when he goes to see his son from this point on? I will NEVER EVER believe him. I don’t deserve to be paranoid and insecure about this relationship every weekend for the rest of my life. I’m not going to re-arrange my life just to cling by his side and supervise him either. I deserve a trusting relationship and for me to have that, this one has to end.

    We discussed his lie and he denies cheating to no end (as all cheaters do) and thinks that he has gotten away with something. He apologized for lying. Just words that I cannot trust. No grand gesture of apologies (roses, card, counseling, etc…) to attempt to win my trust back. He refuses to sleep on the couch. He is smug. Expected me to be intimate with him the same night. Gross.

    The thing is long before this revelation, he had been actively mistreating me. He seemed to do and say things to me that you wouldn’t do to a stranger, let alone someone you love. He really brought out the ugly in me. I felt like he was trying to make me fall out of love with him. And it worked. Good for me. I’ve stayed because 1.) I honestly thought the man that he was when we met would re-emerge and 2.) I’m not a quitter and I know you do have go through struggles in a relationship. But I do not consider cheating a struggle to get through. Cheating is means for termination. In my heart he cheated and that is that. There is no other reason for his massive lie. Plus this incident and all the ‘clues’ I’ve gotten in the past 4 yrs will serve as enough ‘evidence’ for me. I no longer require SOLID evidence, I know my limit. Blatant lies to cover up something you refuse to admit to lead to termination.

    He doesn’t know it but I am planning my getaway. In about a week, he will come home to an empty house and I will be free. It’s alot easier for me to make this decision because I am not in love with him anymore and his massive lie allows me to throw in the towel without guilt. It also helps that when he first started mistreating me, I started saving in the event of it not working out.

    Good move on my part and I encourage every woman to get her $$ together when he first starts changing for the worst. You’re probably not going to leave him right away but you need to take heed to his actions and start planning just in case, if you haven’t already. ESPECIALLY if you catch him cheating the first time and plan to stick it out. You KNOW there will be a second, third, fourth, and so on time (because he knows you will accept it, he’ll just be sneakier to not get caught), so start getting your funds in order so you won’t be trapped when you finally decide to get out.

    OP, who says you wanting him to suffer isn’t healthy?! You ENFORCING that and causing physical harm to him isn’t healthy, but you have every right to FEEL like you want him to suffer as you have. You are human and you have emotions. Emotions that he TAMPERED with when he cheated. Acknowledge those feelings and your anger. It seems like you are still trying to give him the ultimate respect. You give him credit for doing everything he can and scold yourself for being snarky with him. He violated your marriage vows, you are allowed to cope with it and be angry. He doesn’t get to dictate to you how long you can be angry. A therapist will help you shorten the process.

    Good luck. I hope it works out for the best. The fact that you are trying to make it work with him shows that you are a loving, supportive, forgiving person and you deserve that in return. I hope he can deliver. All the best.

  • Amanda February 14th, 2014 at 8:05 AM #66

    Also, I love what Lynn said about physical activity and meditating but her best advice is the counseling. Staying busy and journaling is great if you plan to divorce and are moving on as a single woman but as long as you share your space with him, these things will only be disrupted by his cheating face when he enters your space. Lynn is right, you need a therapist or someone to intervene and HELP you through those feelings. Also, you need to understand that since you two are still a unit, you can’t deal by only doing solo things alone.

  • Amanda February 14th, 2014 at 9:21 AM #67

    Another thing, when it comes to second chances, I don’t agree with how so many people are comfortable lumping cheating in with lying, laziness, rudeness, and legitimate mistakes. Second chances are GREAT. Fabulous to give to others and we all deserve one BUT there are some things where second chances shouldn’t be carelessly doled out. Cheating is one of them. I don’t agree with sticking around waiting for a second opportunity to be cheated on. A second chance is warranted if your hubby has yet again forgotten to pick up your son from baseball practice. If your hubby is screwing the little league coordinator, no second chances should be given. If the wife is caught venting and telling negative, intimate details about hubby to her girlfriends, she gets a second chance. If she is caught venting and telling negative, intimate details about hubby to her lover–no second chance.

    I think when cheating victims offer second chances, it’s about denial and desperation. They fear that they won’t find happiness in the future and they cling to the relationship out of circumstance.

    You’d be hard pressed to find a person who says to a battered woman (or man) to give the abuser a second chance. They’d say GET OUT! Cheating should be right up there with it. ESPECIALLY when they’re married. Another thing, unless your partner mistook your twin for yourself, cheating is not a ‘mistake’. It was a bad DECISION. Mistakes get second chances. Bad decisions that affect the trust & security in a relationship should not get second chances.

    IMO, to say give a cheater a second chance, is to say ‘well if I cheated, I’d deserve a second chance.’ Nope. If I cheat, I do not deserve a second chance. If I deliberately strike up a romance with another person outside of my relationship, I have no right to expect forgiveness and I accept all consequences. It would be great if I was forgiven, but I wouldn’t expect it. Which is why I do not cheat.

    There is such a thing as being too forgiving and the title usually refers to human doormats. Second chances are awesome but give them out for the right reasons and stop settling for mediocrity.

  • niimura February 22nd, 2014 at 11:18 PM #68

    Im getting married in a week time. My fiancé is a nice guy who loves me so much, however it bothers me much that hes working with his ex gf who he mentioned he had sex with. I used to work with him, and the images still vivid in my mind on how he avoided me as his ex hated me. Subsequently, after we are together. His ex kept humiliating me infront people and through her fb. I’m hurt,and cried everyday of the hurtful words and how people at my work see me as. It hurt me more that he didn’t do anything. Im now transfered to different department.and im glad. However it still hurt that hes working with his ex. Moreover, im a virgin and hes the first. However, I kept thinking that I wasnt his first and cried feeling insecure that im not the one first whos able to please him. We’ve talked, however he just mentioned that whats past is the past. The words doesn’t mean anything as im the one feeling depressed and hurt over his actions. Im afraid that my mentality could end the marridge. How could I feel better?

  • Gill March 5th, 2014 at 8:59 AM #69

    I feel exactly the same and have turned the anger in overs the person whom i went to when i found out was a once good friend. My husband has been shagging her niece when i was ill in hospital. We live in a small village. And this aunt told everyone that it was a rumour. This infuriated me even more as she knew. The truth. But to defend her niece also defended my husband. I dont go out. Dont eat or sleep properly in fact. Its got me sucicidal also. I didnt just loose husband i lost friends social life the lot

  • Gill March 5th, 2014 at 9:06 AM #70

    I totally agree with your comment. My husbands mistress sat two places along from me every week in same social circle. Started off as shoulder to cry on. She must ave been of low self esteem to need sumone elses man but its rocked me to the lowest eb. Ive no one to talk too as i lost my brst friend also as his mistress was her niece .

  • admin2 March 5th, 2014 at 9:16 AM #71

    Thank you for your comment. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Gill March 5th, 2014 at 3:35 PM #72

    How do i get in touch. With this help ?

  • GT Support March 7th, 2014 at 10:11 AM #73

    You can get in touch with help in the following ways:
    • Call your local law enforcement agency (911);
    • Go to the nearest hospital emergency room;
    • Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TTY:1-800-799-4TTY)
    • The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is equipped to take a wide range of calls, from immediate suicidal crisis to providing information about mental health. Call to speak with someone who cares; call if you feel you might be in danger of hurting yourself; call to find referrals to mental health services in your area; call to speak to a crisis worker about someone you’re concerned about.

    Please know that if you are international the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline might not be able to help you, but you can still go to your local law enforcement agency, and go to your nearest hospital.

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Jennifer March 10th, 2014 at 3:01 PM #74

    I recently found out that my husband of 2 years was having an affair when we got married that lasted over a month after we took our vows.

    I had been suspicious that he had been having an affair with someone at his work recently, but he admitted to this earlier affair when I questioned him. He had love notes from a woman taped to the inside of his desk drawer.

    He had previously cheated on me while we were dating. Also, he had been lying about financial issues. He hadn’t been paying our bills, to the point where our utilities and phones were getting shut off. I never saw his pay stubs, and had no idea how much he made. I never saw our bills as he would intercept the mail, have electronic bill pay, and even admitted to having a separate post office box.

    I feel that I cannot trust him, but am too afraid to leave him. He is making me care for his mother who is dying of cancer. He makes me feel guilty about every little thing, and he controls almost everything I do.

    I need help! What do I do?

  • Lynn Somerstein March 14th, 2014 at 10:56 AM #75

    Dear Jennifer,
    I am concerned that you are “too afraid to leave him.” What are you afraid might happen?
    Please take care,
    Lynn

  • Jennifer March 14th, 2014 at 7:48 PM #76

    Hi, Lynn

    I think I’m afraid of what will happen to him if I were to leave him. The guilty feelings I have are stifling.

    I know I am afraid of being alone. I’m afraid I’m not strong enough to not falter and go back to him. I’m afraid of my feelings; of being sad and scared and lonely. I shove everything down inside me and ignore it.

    I want to run away.

  • Lyn March 15th, 2014 at 3:51 PM #77

    Need to share this with the folks at EXaholics.com. Thanks!

  • Jennifer March 16th, 2014 at 1:02 PM #78

    I will give it a try. Thank you.

    Just an update, he kicked me out of our house yesterday.

    Jennifer

  • Claire March 16th, 2014 at 1:20 PM #79

    I don’t know where else I can talk as everyone is to close or involved I found out end of November that my husband of 3months had been having an affair we’ve been together 10 years he promised he’d never hurt me but he really broke my heart and soul I love him so much I agreed to give our relationship another go as he promised to never stray away again and to stop bullying me the bullying has stopped the change is good but everyday I wake up hurting from the affair im so confused on whats best as Im terrified that if I leave I’ll regret it as I do love him so much sorry to wine I feel so lonely on this one

  • Rosie March 22nd, 2014 at 8:31 AM #80

    Hi Cathy your marriage will not be the same and why would it he had a affair so the marriage has to change hopefully there’s more communication which was what marriage lacked.you both need to make a effort in spending time together and hopefully bring you both closer. I still struggle but I try to put it in the back of my mind .i something put on sad music and allow myself to cry try not to hold your feelings otherwise it just eats away at you.you seem like a beautiful soul allow yourself to feel and except what you feel it’s ok .for me the other woman has just made contact after 5years so we deleted that account and I sometimes laugh and think what nerve this woman has as she put a restraining order on me 3 years ago but was denied .trust is a hard thing but we need to take it day by day do things that make you happy, you deserve it all my best in healing let me now how your going….

  • Lynn Somerstein March 23rd, 2014 at 2:07 PM #81

    Many times people are afraid of “what will happen” to their partners if they leaved, even though their partners do not seem overly concerned about what is happening to them.
    What will happen if we change our focus, and look through the binoculars again, but in the opposite direction.
    IN other words, rather than worrying about “what will happen to them”, in the future, think about “what is happening to us,” right now.

  • Sarah March 25th, 2014 at 2:33 PM #82

    On the 1st jan 2014 I found out my husband had been texting another woman, in November, who works in the same supermarket as me, and there were sexual photos exchanged. After confronting the woman and have her tell me nothing else happened, 3 weeks later I found out that the woman had gone to his work and had intercourse with him in his storeroom! Everyone in my work place knows what happened coz she told a few people there but she seems to have no remorse for what she has done to me and her own family. Her husband knows all this because he was the one who found the messages and contacted me. My husband and I are getting through this but everytime I see her I feel like I an having an anxiety attack. I know I should quit my job but I can’t afford not to work and there is nowhere else, I have tried. She is a department manager so I don’t think she’s going anywhere. I love my husband and we are getting better but seeing her brings back the hurt.

  • Cathy M March 26th, 2014 at 4:21 PM #83

    Hiya Rosie

    Was nice to hear how your doing. My husband and I are working hard. I have to say he is putting so much work into our marriage to try and make things right. He honestly can’t believe he has done this to me. I know ho loves me, and I really love him and can’t imagine life without him. But it’s me. I’m the one who’s finding it so hard to get over this. You sound as though you are over the worse of it. Do you think that love can get us through this??? I really hope so. People like yourself give loads of hope. Thanks xx

  • L.O March 28th, 2014 at 7:54 PM #84

    I have been with my husband for 21 years we got together very young and I made a mistake and cheated and kept it to myself after 10 years I told him about it and it hurt him real bad I betrayed him and he seeked for revenge for what I done so he had an affaire with someone that was real close to me I get it I hurt him so he hurt me back we have three wonderful kids together and I love him so much but I have to look at this girl every where we go how do I get pass this it’s killing me because it starts fights between us every time she comes around please help me I don’t want to lose my marriage

  • Annie B March 30th, 2014 at 9:15 PM #85

    My story is not unusual. I am a 54 year old woman who has been married to my husband for 24 years but together with him for 34. In June of 2013 I found out he had been having an affair since January 2013. I was in total shock and was angry but I decided I believe (too early) to forgive him and let him come home. I am overweight and he told me that if I was to lose the weight and be how I was when we first moved to our home in 2000 that he would stay. He didn’t say I had to look just like I did but I needed to be thin. Having loved him for so long I started to do what he said. I was working out, bought new clothes and gave him more attention than ever before. We went to our son and DIL house with his mother and he and his mother stood in their apt and told us how lucky my husband was to have me forgive him. In Nov 2013 a man called my house and told me that his wife and my husband have been having an affair since July of 2013. That means within a month of me forgiving him he had picked up another whore. I was devastated to say the least and because this was right before Thanksgiving I went to my sons. In the time since Thanksgiving and Christmas my husband played upon my emotions telling me that he and his lover were going to stop having their affair because it wrong. I was an emotional wreck and believed him the first time. He left again two weeks later. Right before XMAS he came back and played me again. I believed him and then he left in January and then by that time I was coming out of my fog and I played him. He was so angry that I played him and said how dare I do those things to him. I could not believe my ears and I told him that if he want to eff his lover that was ok but it wasn’t going to be while he lived here. We got in a fight and the police removed him. Since then he has been trying to play me and I am no longer playing his game. However he still lives in our home and I have told him that it is too hard for him to live there because he is a constant reminder of what he did. He says I have no where to go so having compassion I have allowed him to stay in our home. He has lately been sneaking out of our house at 11:00 p.m. and returning around 1:30 have little meetings with his whore. I can no longer handle this and am beginning to become very angry and very physically abusive to him. He does nothing to me and stands there and lets me hit him. I know it isn’t right and I want to enroll in anger mgmt. classes. Please help me to live with him until our divorce. He is unemployed right now and I am on disability because I have Congestive heart failure. I have told him and he knows that excessive stress can lead me to have a heart attack but he is so heartless at this point. I want to add that I think he is acting like a teenager and is doing crystal meth. What do I do?

  • Charlonda March 31st, 2014 at 8:52 AM #86

    I’m not married, but I was with my ex for six years. He was abusive from the get go and when I say abusive, I mean mentally, verbally, emotionally, mentally, and financially. He cheated from the beginning and over the course of six years, I probably caught him cheating on me over fifteen times. Most were emotional affairs, but that hurt worse than physical. He would accuse me of sleeping with my ex so much, that I got tired and finally did. I ended up pregnant. We stayed together and raised all of our three children, but life was just miserable. He would tell me things like I was no good, I should die, he hated me, etc. Although I only cheated on him physically once myself, I did flirt with other men. I was so lonely. I was sitting in a house raising our kids while he was out at “business meetings” til one or two in the morning.So basically, after six years, he just let me know that he had been having an affair on me for the last eight months and he was leaving me and our kids to live with this other woman. So why is it he is so happy and I’m not. I just want my family back, but at the same time I don’t want him back at all, because it was toxic. I’m just so angry and hurt, and I’m trying to hold it all in, but the pain is just too much. I am emotionally drained. He left me with three kids to raise on my own, while he is enjoying his life with another woman and her son. I even told the girl that he was cheating and she doesn’t seem to care. I’ts already been a month and I can’t cope with this.

  • Lynn Somerstein March 31st, 2014 at 9:34 AM #87

    Charlonda, Clearly you’re in a lot of pain, and have been for a very long time. Your relationship was abusive and the fall out still feels abusive. Is there anywhere you might find help- a friend, a relative, a religious leader, a therapist, a group?

  • Amanda April 1st, 2014 at 10:33 AM #88

    Annie B. I am so sorry to hear everything you are going through. But you are still allowing him to play you. Your happiness is affected by his mere presence and you are trapped by your sense of loyalty to him. It’s obvious you hold your wedding vows dear because though divorce is imminent, you are still catering to him till death do you part.

    You have deep compassion for him that he is not entitled to. There’s no reason to let him remain in the home. ESPECIALLY since you suspect he may be using drugs AND you have heart issues that stress can trigger. What are you waiting on?! You can only go up from here! Simple question, who do you love more, him or yourself? Sounds selfish but you HAVE to love yourself more. If you don’t you will always get mistreated.

    He made his bed and should lie in it. Doesn’t matter if he has no where to go, he should’ve considered it before he betrayed you… wait a minute he does have somewhere to go– one of his multiple whores. You said yourself that he is out until 1:30a with his lover, so send him packing to her. As long as he lives in your home, you are still ‘responsible’ for him (wifely duties) while she gets to have all the fun with him. Let her take him off your hands and see how soon she tries to give him back… But don’t take him back.

    Also, unless you have had anger issues for some time now, I don’t think you need to enroll in anger management classes. You know he is the source of this anger, so just kick him out. Instant anger management. Besides, if you are at the point where you are BEATING him out of anger, you need to let him go for both your sakes.

    You deserve better treatment and when you realize it this will be a walk in the park for you. Don’t just say it but BELIEVE it through and through.

  • Amanda April 1st, 2014 at 10:42 AM #89

    Charlonda, learn and KNOW your self-worth. This man was no good to you but you stuck with him for years which made you even MORE bonded to him. You couldn’t have seriously believed that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with a man that told you he wanted you dead?! But you were in denial and you stood by his side anyhow. Now that the inevitable has happened (the break up), the delusion is over and reality is sinking in. You were so neglected and mistreated that you sought love outside of the relationship. That was a huge red flag that it was time to call it quits, but you ignored it.

    You are angry and hurt because you knew all of that time that you were too good for him but you settled and in the end he was the one who left you. You feel betrayed not only by him but by yourself because you ignored your intuition and put him over yourself. You feel like he is and always has been in control of the relationship and it makes you feel helpless. Empower yourself.

    He is happy because he got the best of you, got to take his anger out, and was able to have an affair on the side… and there were no consequences. In fact, his bad behavior was encouraged by your staying with him. But that is in the past. Stop thinking about how happy he is with his new woman. Nothing good can come of that. Besides, you don’t know what is happening behind closed doors and you have more important things to focus on. You are unhappy because it’s not fair that you keep getting the short end of the stick. But you CAN turn the stick around, Charlonda.

    Focus on yourself and your kids now and as far as future dating, don’t let it happen again. The next time a man is abusive ‘from the get go’ let him GO. Don’t let that ONE characteristic you like about him, make you ignore those 20 other undesirable traits. Set realistic standards and don’t be willing to settle. In time, (when you are ready) you are gonna find the man that adores you and would never put you in so much pain, because you deserve it.

    I, too, hope you can get in touch with a therapist to work through this because I can tell from your words it’s taking alot out of you. Find a source of emotional support immediately! Good luck.

  • Rosie April 8th, 2014 at 7:44 AM #90

    Hi Cathy your husband is trying which is great my husband bends over backwards as well but I think thats because they feel guilt for the pain they have caused we need to be kind to ourselves don’t beat yourself for not getting over it as quickly as you would like its a huge blow to have to cope with a patner cheating .We need to be patient with ourselves but if you want to move forward you have to try to put it behind you .I believe i will never forget what his done but I am learning to accept it in order to move on .I believe people deserve a second change but be aware there will be no more chances I am a much stronger woman than ever before but in my heart I believe he will never stay as he nows what he has to loose which I think a lot of these men don’t relies when they cheat . We who have morals do it had in life!!!but I wouldn’t change.

  • james rippl April 11th, 2014 at 2:49 PM #91

    Also she will not admit to everything about the affair time line wise or the drug use which she has been doing. It’s hard because I’ve done everything I’ve n needed to do for my boys n here she us saying I’m a bad father n trying to replace me with this guy in that manner also but she’s the one using drugs no job real lying on this 21 year old boy to take care of my children when I want them in my life but she is making that difficult like tiday I was supposed to get them but she canceled Cuz he didn’t want to use up his gas I didn’t ask her to move my kids over 100 miles away from where I don’t know where they are yet she treats me like the bad guy n everyone tells me not to get angry with her but my family is gone now n some stranger is with my children

  • lexiii g April 15th, 2014 at 7:47 AM #92

    Hello ladies I am going thru a hard time right now as well I just found my husband texting another women and they seemd to be flirting and this is not the first time he does it . I am currently expecting our second baby and its been so much pain for me because I want to leave him n forget about him he is abussive mentally ,phiscaly, and he gets like the devil wen I argue back or try to leave I dont know what to do am not happy anymore I have lot of hate and grude aginst him that ive even thought of cheating to make him feel what I once felt I think am just hurting myself by staying here.

    Lexi

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