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I Can’t Get Over My Husband’s Affairs
Dear GoodTherapy.org,
I'm having difficulty dealing with the anger involved in my husband's two affairs. I caught him at it both times. He is trying to do everything he can but I get snarky with him. I'm so angry all of the time. I want him to suffer too! I know this isn't healthy. How do I get beyond it? - Betrayed
The question is short and to the point—it sounds like you feel betrayed and are angry, want revenge, and want to know how to get over this. I feel embarrassed that my answer is so much longer than the question, and I ask for patience; this is a painful and difficult experience.
I have questions, too. I wonder how long you have been married, if you have children, and if there have been other instances of betrayal that may not be confined to the sexual area. I wonder about your ability to communicate. I worry that you and your spouse are not partners, but adversaries, and maybe have been for a long time.
Let’s focus on dealing with anger. You say you “get snarky.” Are snarky remarks a way to gradually let off the anger, preventing a full-fledged rage response? Have you been angry for a long time?
It sounds like you want revenge. That’s understandable—an eye for an eye, so to speak. Unfortunately that leads to blindness all around.
A poet, Ron Padgett, advises staying angry for a week, then dropping the anger but not forgetting the reason for it.
Sounds good, but how?
Some ways to release anger are: physical activity, emoting, meditating, writing in a journal, doing art, talking things over with friends as well as the person who made you angry in the first place, seeing a therapist if the anger is of long duration. All these methods work; try them all or the ones you like best. Consulting a couples therapist deserves primary place on this list.
Couples therapy will help you communicate with each other in a protective environment, where you can both be clear about your feelings and what may have caused this painful breach of trust, so you can figure out together what to do next. As you each learn how the other feels and thinks, you may develop more empathic responses to each other, and the marriage will strengthen. Alternatively, it may become clear that the marriage cannot continue—in this case therapy may help you part with less rancor, so that the good memories of your relationship can survive. This is especially important if you have children, but even if you don’t you will part more completely if you’re not bound to each other with rage, which can act like glue and prevent you from moving on with your life. A couples therapist can also help you decide if individual treatment might be helpful.
Most important: remaining angry for long periods of time causes physiological changes, such as a rise in blood pressure and literal aches and pains, and it sets the stress response going on a 24-hour basis. Not good. So it’s a question of health to learn ways to deal with strong emotional responses.
I wish you and your spouse good luck and patience in learning how to communicate with each other and live without fear, anger, or despair.
Comments
I have been in this exact same boat before so I know how she feels. Everyone tells you to let go of the anger, but I was just like she is and wanted him to suffer and be hurt just like I was. Eventually I couldn’t take it anymore that I was the one feeling the brunt of the pain and I filed for divorce. I wish that I would have been able to get over it but I just never saw that happening.
There is really no “getting over” for some people,is there? All they want to do is hold on to something they completely exaggerate at times and although sorries have been told and new commitments made they never seem to let go.
And you should not feel like you have to get over it!
I am so tired of hearing that the only way for it to survive is for you, the one who has been wronged, to just move on.
That’s why women continue to get screwed over, because we are the ones who are constantly being told to go and be a good wifey now and put all of that behind you.
Well I for one am ready to burn some bras again and say that women shouldn’t have to take all of this from society anymore.
Haven’t we all made mistakes in life? Not that this excuses his having the affairs, but I think that sometimes we are so quick to blame someone else for everything that we tend to forget that maybe we have some responsibility for their actions. We have to look at our own lives and think about the things that we maybe did or didn’t do that could have led to these things happening. Obviously when someone chooses to cheat, they are making a horrible choice. There are far better answers than doing that, but cheating I guess seems like the easy way out, or a way to escape what is going on at home. I know that this is probably not a popular opinion, but I think that sometimes you do have to let it go, accept part of the blame, especially if you ever want to stay in the marriage. If you don’t care about saving it, then fine, go ahead and rage.
If you can’t get over them, then maybe this is your way of trying to tell yourself something.
If the marriage is worth saving, then you will want to save it and go through all of the motions, both of you together, to make that happen.
When you are at the point though, where you can’t move on, you can’t find it is you to forgive and move on, then maybe that is your answer right there. Perhaps the marriage was over before you even found out about the affairs, and the healthies thing to do at that point would be to put an end to it. That’s the only way that you can then allow yourself to move on and find joy in life again.
This letter was written by a woman whose husband was the cheater, but women can be cheaters too. I wish that gender hadn’t been mentioned at all. Sometimes I try to avoid gender specific words so I can find the underlying energy and universality of people’s stories and their meanings.
Most people react with shock and disbelief when they find out that their loved one is cheating, but in all things, the individuals involved and their personal feelings dictate what happens next. There is no one right answer.
Holding on to anger is different than living through it, of course, and has unhealthy consequences.
How wonderful to read these many different reactions and opinions. Thank you.
I think the question here is how to heal from the hurt (or, get over the anger). It’s certainly not easy and may not happen even after leaving the relationship.
Such a deep betrayal of trust, vows, committment and love is hard to recover from but not impossible. With the right guidance and enough support, reclaiming ones own life and taking anger by its horns is possible
Hi Rochelle-
You’re right, recovering from a betrayal takes a lot of wisdom and energy, whether the relationship continues or does not–but remaining embroiled is a life spoiler. First up- take good care of yourself; after that you can deal with others.
Thanks for your comments.
Take care,
Lynn
My problem in this situation wold not be recovering from it, it would be trust going forward. Cheating and making it back the first time, OK everyone deserves a second chance.
Catching the person a second time, I would simply be looking for when would we get the third time to occur?
Hi Jake- Well said- I think that’s exactly what many people would wonder.
When the affair is first discovered the pain is deep and it shatters your world. I suffered through trying to keep the marriage together for 10 years and then one day realized that I was doing all the work, and what I was doing wasn’t working. I was attending counselling and I was working hard…but marriage requires the input of two willing participants. I knew it was time to crave out a different life. I think my husband was shocked that I had come to this decision and made all types of promises if I would stay..but I knew in my heart that I had tried my best and that it was time to move on. The anger, diappointment and fear were all gone, and I had found hope and faith in myself. That was 12 years ago and I am a much stronger person now. I learned so much from my failed marriage. I am a better person, a better mother, a better boss and a better wife (yes I found a wonderful man much better suited to me….I learned what I didn’t want and what I did want). I have never felt better or happier. I am on good terms with my ex-husband which is so important for your childrens sake and still see his family frequently. We just attended our daughter’s University graduation together and were able to share in her joy and remember the good times that we had shared as a family. I think because I let go of the anger it helped me move through the divorce with clearer thinking. As for my ex-husband he has had another failed marriage and a string of failed relationships. He seems sad and lonely. I guess I should feel that he got what he deserved, but really I think he just didn’t open himself up to learn anything from the experience. He didn’t open himself up to grow or learn.
Carrie, Your generous spirit and mature thinking shine through your letter- your story is an inspiration; you show what can happen to our lives when we work something through and change not just a relationship but an entire way of being.
Hats off to you! Your have taken good care of yourself and your children and found your way to the life that you deserve,
I have discovered my husband has been having a sexting affair with my best friend. I am starting the anger phase. I am also empty nesting: 2 away at college and one 15 year old left here at home. He says he now knows that sexting is wrong—but he sent pictures of himself and texted that he loved her and wanted to meet after his volleyball game. I am a lost woman trying to find herself. I was a stay at home mom who worked week ends, volunteered when the kids were younger. Yes, i feel devasted—I did not know anything was wrong. I have begun to pedal my bike, started yoga, lost 77 pounds, am taking lessons to learn to play sand volleyball—they are free, I am looking for a job. He makes too much money for free counseling and we live pay check to pay check, so I am trying to do this “recovery” on my own. I am happy I can vent here and read that I am NOT alone. Thank you —-for “listening” it helps too.
Affairs are what you get when you marry the good looking succesful guy with the big bucks. Women have no interest in a nice guy who treats them well. They want the big house, The fancy car. The exotic vacations and in the end they get what they deserve. No sympathy here.
My husband has been carrying on an affair with an old flame for three years and the extent of the betrayal has only recently become clear to me/ I can’t imagine letting go but feel I must and I don’t know how. My emotions veer all over the place, fear replaced by anger, by despair, humiliation, envy, self-hatred.
JOsie- you sound like you have a plan- a good one. Sometimes you can find low cost therapy, which would help too. I salute your fabulous progress.
Hi Ted-
You sound like you’ve had some tough experiences of your own, but, take it from me, not all women go for the big bucks.
Take care, thanks for writing,
Lynn
Francesca, it’s so hard to realize something like this. If might help to talk things out with a professional, who will help you get over your fears and self hatred.
My heart goes with you.
take care,
Lynn
My husband has been having an affair for 21 months now with a married woman who he dated 20 yrs ago, he claims he never loved me, he is angry at me, and blames everything on me. I love him dearly, but he will not respect me or our marriage as this is his second affair. I have been alone for almost two years, just working on my own personal growth, the only reason I am not angry anymore, but he will not grow up, we still have a son to raise who is going through hell because his dad is not the dad he used to have. How can I help my husband to just have a working relationship with me for our child? My child and myself are in counseling while he screams obsenity’s at me in divorce court.
My spouse was involved in $300.00-$500.00 a month of porno from pay per view and rented videos. During this time and before I was literally begging him to be intimate with me and tried many self improvements to hopefully help my plot. When I confronted him hed said he was glad I found out. To my knowledge he stopped the “viewings.” I felt so betrayed,enraged, and confused. I still am and that was 5 years ago. We sleep in different rooms and hardly ever are intimate and I feel nothing. I have been seekinng therapy and am getting nowhere. I have resumed the habit of cutting my feet. Sometimes I spend hours doing this. I need help. Thanks!
My experience is similar to others mentioned. My husband has cheated on me several times. One of these incidents reulted in a child that is between my children in age. How embarrassing!! We’re still married but like one of the other respondents I constantly resist the urge to try and catch him; it is as if I am just waiting for it to happen again.
I have tried to get past it, but I haven’t been able to truly put it all behind me. We have a decent life, but I feel very unfulfilled.
I am not anxious to leave the marriage because of my children, but at the same time, I’m not sure I can keep going like this either. I am encouraged by Carrie’s story and Josie’s story.
Thank you for this space.
I am so happy to hear so many comments from women’s past experience. I just found out my husband is having an affair with a gal half my age. We stop intimating since 4 years ago but his excuse was he was getting old and not interested in sex. Now I know the truth so I feel betrayed, hurted and devasted. I confront him and he says he will end it, but do you think I can trust him to do so? I saw their texts they called each other husband and wife. I have 3 abnormal children and2 grandchilren. We have been very happy together because although he had had been cheating on me, he treat me and the family well. Please help me. I love him and this family too much to get a divorce to destroy this family.
Once TRUST is lost due to cheating on ANY level, it is the most difficult thing to get back especially in a LOVE relationship. It is a VIOLATION of the heart towards the person, you say, You love. Love is a GIFT. When we take vows before MEN and in the PRESENCE of God, it should mean somthing and be taken seriously. I recently had a situation occur that I found devastated to learn about infidelity. When a man or a woman CHEATS, it like being a criminal of the heart and dangerous. A man cheating whose wife was unaware of his EXTENSIVE cheating with MANY and various women, including strippers, co-workers, you name it ( any woman with a vagina who he found attractive) was subjective his wife to HIV/AIDS without little regards to her feelings and well-being. How can we justify or condon this kind of activity in a relationship when it encompasses so much more. Be a man or a woman and not a coward. If the marriage is over, get out legally and rightfully. If it is worth saving, BREAK all ties and don’t put yourself in a compromising position with someone outside your marriage. It is ALL about choice and desire. As for cyberspace cheating, GET SOME HELP, because those images will not be there when you need a helping and loving hand to help through sickness and other personal challenges WHEN your wife leaves you.
My husband cheated with my best friend and had a son 3months younger than my son this was the 2nd time I found out he always bring his girlfriends home and the first one was his collegue at work where he even admitted having sex in the office now he is retired an I work on his nerves her can even support or want to acknoledge that son that look identical to him I still stay with him but hate every minute of my life I feel like commiting suicide he even insist on me going to church with him and dressing a certain way not cutting my hair no pants and tell me I am to fat
Reading your letters, filled with pain, rage, and the shameful feelings that often arise when feeling betrayed, I would like to give especial comfort today. It is Thanksgiving Day, which may feel especially difficult,and it may be real hard to feel thankful for anything.
I salute your courage, and wish you warmth, comfort and peace.
In september this yr i discovered my husband was exchanging a ton of texts with a woman he claims she wanted him but he says he didnt. I found it hard to believe, was so sad and hurt but forgave and let it go. A week ago I discovered he started chatting and flirting with another girl on facebook and this really devastated me. Im 4 months pregnant and i felt like he was showing his true colors. He appologized sunday and cried to me saying he cant live without me only to go back and continue chatting with her tuesday and flirting even more with dirty talk. I left the house for 3 days then returned… We sleep in different rooms now… We have been married a year and half, he has been so sweet to me but its things like this that make me feel like im married to a careless stupid man. He says im the perfect wife, i wonder what makes him do this. We had other issues already like his extremely poor or non existant communication skills… Now im wondering if it is the end or should we consider counseling. I dont know what counseling would do with him, he is annoyed with questions and simply blvs he should be forgiven. please share your wisdom with me. He is not even trying to reach out to me and see how I’m doing or feeling…. I tried discussing things tonite and he more or less I made a mistake, sorry, get over it. I told him that was not enough. What does this mean?
Kay, I read your text and my HEART goes out to you. Your husband sounds like a selfish NARCISSITIC. He has no empathy for you even while you are carrying HIS child. My advice to you is seek professional counseling and resources outside your husband to become stronger and have on hand, just in case, you may have to leave him to raise your child on your own. Men who seek pleasure and connect to other women outside their marriages have SERIOUS personal problems and we as women stay too long in bad relationships, even with children. We get caught up in their web of lies and deception and in the mean time, our years and youth slip by, without realizing that is our ticket to a better life and man. If he does not go for help, you need to consider other options for yourself and child. I pray you have the courage and find the right one. Thanks for sharing.
Dear Kay-
How awful– betrayed, repeatedly, when you’re pregnant. I think marital counselling is worth a try– but it will be difficult when one partner has difficulty communicating. I also recommend that you find a counselor to work with individually, who will help and support you in this difficult time, which is even harder to bear during this holiday season.
Take care, good luck, my thoughts go with you.
Lynn
Anger, Pain, and those repeated words of “the past is the past” and “why do you keep bringing it up like its going to change anything?” Why is it seem like I am the one who wants to argue just because I can’t forgive. Forgiveness don’t just complete itself overnight, right after the words escaped your mouth. But just because I can’t control the daily attacks of heartache and shed tears uncontrollably doesn’t make me the bad person who intentionally tries to initiate arguments. How can forgive when I’ve sacrificed so much… I haven’t stopped crying since last December until now. How can I not be angry? Being only 22, married for just 3 years to someone who threw me out the house with an excuse of wanting to be single but only to cheat on me with a minor for almost a year… How can I not be angry when I been depressed enough to screw up in college and went through a miscarriage. Tell me… How can I forgive?… How can I move on when I love this person for more than a quarter of my own life? I want to forgive, I want to not be angry, and I want to get out of depression. I want to love again but I am just so ANGRY. Help me, someone, anyone…
Mia, your hurt is so deep. You write that you are angry, resentful, and terribly depressed, suffering an overload of pain that needs someone’s help to make it bearable; you simply can’t carry it all by yourself.Is there a way that you can find that someone? Perhaps a trusted friend or relative, better yet- perhaps a counselor who has experience helping people with these issues.
I know were u come from my problem exactly as yours I bottle up a lot and when I burst things go mad. Speak to a friend your mom someone close to you and see how it goes tell him how you feel don’t bottle up your emotions it will kill you inside
Hope this helps!!
Well said, Poshy! Thank you.
Take care,
Lynn
I’m the one who cheated, with someone from my past, at a time when I was losing my job. I knew it was wrong, I felt horrible, especially knowing how hard my partner was taking it. In October I cut off all ties with the person I cheated with, and I want to do all I can to make up for this. I’ve treated my partner royally, and on many levels he has responded positively. But on Christmas things fell apart, and it’s clear that under the surface his emotions are still raw. He seems to want some “magic answer” as to why I did what I did, and I don’t have one. He wants me to get counseling, but I think he’s the one who could use it (or both of us together, which I’ve suggested). He doesn’t seem able to get past a certain point with this. and I don’t know what I can do to help him. I definitely want to stay with him.
Hi Jeff,
How sad. Although it’s neither an excuse nor a reason, losing your job can provide an unconscious push towards infidelity, as though the excitement of the new relationship provides an antidote to the depressed feelings that come with being out of work. It’s not, of course, it makes everything worse instead, as you know.
How about couples counseling to help you stay together? And if the counselor recommends individual treatment for either or both of you that’s not a bad idea either.
I wish you both calm, love and satisfaction in the new year.
Take care,
Lynn
Wow, I am so sorry that I can empathasize but that’s the truth. Adultery, like death is something you get through but never get over…. I have been married for 28 years and a christian. I hate hypocrisy and liars 2 things that follow cheating but I ended up marrying what I hate the most. I found out 11 years ago and the result is that I do not love my husband. I am clinically depressed and am now just on medication. My husband tries but he has no clue what to do, what to say, or how to function around me, so he just avoids the situation. I am unemployed but I bellieve that is God for if I were working I am so gone. Ladies, you deserve so much more, you are not to blame so be fabulous, eat drink and be merry. There will come a day of reaping. Be blessed.
My husband is having his second affair. I found out myself both times. I’m trying to learn to smile again. Maybe it’s for the best, who knows. My marriage is over, but I truly hope we can be somewhat civil towards each other. I do not trust him anymore as my husband but maybe as my friend. I don’t know. I think he is a coward though. Maybe there is a new life out there for me. I do have to take care of myself now. That’s has to be the first thing to do. Thanks and Good Luck to all the broken hearts out there. Please remember no man or woman is ever worth ending you life over! God Bless and be strong.
I have been married for just over 3 years, and was previously married for over 20 years. I thought my current husband and I were soulmates as we had so much in common and he was the person I had been looking for all my life. Things went wrong before we married, but hoped things would get better. I found out that his life is full of lies and contradictions. Now I am not here to run him down, or say all men are the same. But just short of 2 years ago, we decided to move away from all the family as we were experiencing interference from both of our previous families, which was causing us to fight and argue. The day after we moved, we argued and my husband walked out, and got on a plane to go back to where he was born, a long way to go for a holiday.
Communication was poor in the early days, but eventually I went to visit him and have moved to where he was born. A month after arriving he left his Facebook account open after getting very drunk, he had been exchanging mails with an exgirlfriend and were very explicit. I found out that he had cheated on me prior to leaving months before; and had told her of his plans to move abroad and that our marriage was over. This was the same man who from returning from his trip with his ill mate, had met me from work and cooked me a meal and told me how much he loved me.
I am now in a place that is alien to me, no money as I used all my savings to get a visa and ship stuff here, left my family and friends behind. I have managed to get a casual job, but money is tight and I still have a credit card bill to clear, as I had to have medical treatment not long after getting here, which was so expensive.
So here I am today wondering what the hell am I doing? He says he is sorry and that he loves me, but the trust is long gone and I never know if he is telling the truth or not. The sad thing is I love him, but why? Why can’t I switch that one thing off. I will spend another 12 hours alone today, thinking about what I should be doing, as hes gone to work. I am off today and don’t know many people and emigrating to a place so far away and the time difference is taking its toll :( I know its not all about him, but really need some sound advice.
My husband had n affair 23 yrs ago. I still can’t get over it. He’s very remorseful. I forgave him but can’t forgive him. I torment myself with the day I found out. It happened over Christmas and he told me he would let me know In a month if he would stay with me or her. We were married at the time for 15 yrs. I remember every word that was said. I also am obsessed with knowing what the mistress is up to. She remarried and has a 16 yr. and turned very religious. I would love to let her know how miserable I feel, while she is having her wonderful little life. I am seeing a therapist next week.
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