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I Can’t Get Over My Husband’s Affairs

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I'm having difficulty dealing with the anger involved in my husband's two affairs. I caught him at it both times. He is trying to do everything he can but I get snarky with him. I'm so angry all of the time. I want him to suffer too! I know this isn't healthy. How do I get beyond it? —Betrayed

Dear Betrayed,

The question is short and to the point—it sounds like you feel betrayed and are angry, want revenge, and want to know how to get over this. I feel embarrassed that my answer is so much longer than the question, and I ask for patience; this is a painful and difficult experience.

I have questions, too. I wonder how long you have been married, if you have children, and if there have been other instances of betrayal that may not be confined to the sexual area. I wonder about your ability to communicate. I worry that you and your spouse are not partners, but adversaries, and maybe have been for a long time.

Let’s focus on dealing with anger. You say you “get snarky.” Are snarky remarks a way to gradually let off the anger, preventing a full-fledged rage response? Have you been angry for a long time?

It sounds like you want revenge. That’s understandable—an eye for an eye, so to speak. Unfortunately that leads to blindness all around.

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A poet, Ron Padgett, advises staying angry for a week, then dropping the anger but not forgetting the reason for it.

Sounds good, but how?

Some ways to release anger are: physical activity, emoting, meditating, writing in a journal, doing art, talking things over with friends as well as the person who made you angry in the first place, seeing a therapist if the anger is of long duration. All these methods work; try them all or the ones you like best. Consulting a couples therapist deserves primary place on this list.

Couples therapy will help you communicate with each other in a protective environment, where you can both be clear about your feelings and what may have caused this painful breach of trust, so you can figure out together what to do next. As you each learn how the other feels and thinks, you may develop more empathic responses to each other, and the marriage will strengthen. Alternatively, it may become clear that the marriage cannot continue—in this case therapy may help you part with less rancor, so that the good memories of your relationship can survive. This is especially important if you have children, but even if you don’t you will part more completely if you’re not bound to each other with rage, which can act like glue and prevent you from moving on with your life. A couples therapist can also help you decide if individual treatment might be helpful.

Most important: remaining angry for long periods of time causes physiological changes, such as a rise in blood pressure and literal aches and pains, and it sets the stress response going on a 24-hour basis. Not good. So it’s a question of health to learn ways to deal with strong emotional responses.

I wish you and your spouse good luck and patience in learning how to communicate with each other and live without fear, anger, or despair.

Lynn Somerstein Biography

 
Comments
  • shantel May 27th, 2010 at 6:33 PM #1

    My mouth is full of testimonies, my husband left home for two years to south Africa for a tourist, where he meant this prostitute and he was bewitch by the girl my husband refuse to come back home again, i cry day and night looking for who to help me, i read a comment on the internet about a powerful spell caster called Dr. Magbu and i contacted the spell caster to help me get my husband back to me and he ask me not to worry about it that the gods we fight for me.. he told me by mid-night when all the spirit is at rest he will cast a spell to reunite my Husband back to me. and he did, in less than 3 days my husband came back to me and started crying that i should for forgive him, i,m so happy for what this spell caster did for me and my husband.. Dr. Magbu.

  • Beck williams July 16th, 2012 at 4:03 PM #2

    I have been in this exact same boat before so I know how she feels. Everyone tells you to let go of the anger, but I was just like she is and wanted him to suffer and be hurt just like I was. Eventually I couldn’t take it anymore that I was the one feeling the brunt of the pain and I filed for divorce. I wish that I would have been able to get over it but I just never saw that happening.

  • A.I July 17th, 2012 at 2:25 AM #3

    There is really no “getting over” for some people,is there? All they want to do is hold on to something they completely exaggerate at times and although sorries have been told and new commitments made they never seem to let go.

  • Steph July 17th, 2012 at 4:21 AM #4

    And you should not feel like you have to get over it!
    I am so tired of hearing that the only way for it to survive is for you, the one who has been wronged, to just move on.
    That’s why women continue to get screwed over, because we are the ones who are constantly being told to go and be a good wifey now and put all of that behind you.
    Well I for one am ready to burn some bras again and say that women shouldn’t have to take all of this from society anymore.

  • asher July 17th, 2012 at 12:19 PM #5

    Haven’t we all made mistakes in life? Not that this excuses his having the affairs, but I think that sometimes we are so quick to blame someone else for everything that we tend to forget that maybe we have some responsibility for their actions. We have to look at our own lives and think about the things that we maybe did or didn’t do that could have led to these things happening. Obviously when someone chooses to cheat, they are making a horrible choice. There are far better answers than doing that, but cheating I guess seems like the easy way out, or a way to escape what is going on at home. I know that this is probably not a popular opinion, but I think that sometimes you do have to let it go, accept part of the blame, especially if you ever want to stay in the marriage. If you don’t care about saving it, then fine, go ahead and rage.

  • Tyler July 18th, 2012 at 4:30 AM #6

    If you can’t get over them, then maybe this is your way of trying to tell yourself something.

    If the marriage is worth saving, then you will want to save it and go through all of the motions, both of you together, to make that happen.

    When you are at the point though, where you can’t move on, you can’t find it is you to forgive and move on, then maybe that is your answer right there. Perhaps the marriage was over before you even found out about the affairs, and the healthies thing to do at that point would be to put an end to it. That’s the only way that you can then allow yourself to move on and find joy in life again.

  • Dr. Lynn Somerstein July 19th, 2012 at 6:57 PM #7

    This letter was written by a woman whose husband was the cheater, but women can be cheaters too. I wish that gender hadn’t been mentioned at all. Sometimes I try to avoid gender specific words so I can find the underlying energy and universality of people’s stories and their meanings.

    Most people react with shock and disbelief when they find out that their loved one is cheating, but in all things, the individuals involved and their personal feelings dictate what happens next. There is no one right answer.

    Holding on to anger is different than living through it, of course, and has unhealthy consequences.

    How wonderful to read these many different reactions and opinions. Thank you.

  • Rochelle July 23rd, 2012 at 3:00 PM #8

    I think the question here is how to heal from the hurt (or, get over the anger). It’s certainly not easy and may not happen even after leaving the relationship.
    Such a deep betrayal of trust, vows, committment and love is hard to recover from but not impossible. With the right guidance and enough support, reclaiming ones own life and taking anger by its horns is possible

  • Lynn Somerstein July 23rd, 2012 at 7:26 PM #9

    Hi Rochelle-
    You’re right, recovering from a betrayal takes a lot of wisdom and energy, whether the relationship continues or does not–but remaining embroiled is a life spoiler. First up- take good care of yourself; after that you can deal with others.
    Thanks for your comments.
    Take care,
    Lynn

  • Jake Untespeck August 4th, 2012 at 4:40 AM #10

    My problem in this situation wold not be recovering from it, it would be trust going forward. Cheating and making it back the first time, OK everyone deserves a second chance.

    Catching the person a second time, I would simply be looking for when would we get the third time to occur?

  • Lynn Somerstein August 5th, 2012 at 4:21 PM #11

    Hi Jake- Well said- I think that’s exactly what many people would wonder.

  • Carrie August 15th, 2012 at 6:54 AM #12

    When the affair is first discovered the pain is deep and it shatters your world. I suffered through trying to keep the marriage together for 10 years and then one day realized that I was doing all the work, and what I was doing wasn’t working. I was attending counselling and I was working hard…but marriage requires the input of two willing participants. I knew it was time to crave out a different life. I think my husband was shocked that I had come to this decision and made all types of promises if I would stay..but I knew in my heart that I had tried my best and that it was time to move on. The anger, diappointment and fear were all gone, and I had found hope and faith in myself. That was 12 years ago and I am a much stronger person now. I learned so much from my failed marriage. I am a better person, a better mother, a better boss and a better wife (yes I found a wonderful man much better suited to me….I learned what I didn’t want and what I did want). I have never felt better or happier. I am on good terms with my ex-husband which is so important for your childrens sake and still see his family frequently. We just attended our daughter’s University graduation together and were able to share in her joy and remember the good times that we had shared as a family. I think because I let go of the anger it helped me move through the divorce with clearer thinking. As for my ex-husband he has had another failed marriage and a string of failed relationships. He seems sad and lonely. I guess I should feel that he got what he deserved, but really I think he just didn’t open himself up to learn anything from the experience. He didn’t open himself up to grow or learn.

  • Lynn Somerstein August 15th, 2012 at 12:36 PM #13

    Carrie, Your generous spirit and mature thinking shine through your letter- your story is an inspiration; you show what can happen to our lives when we work something through and change not just a relationship but an entire way of being.
    Hats off to you! Your have taken good care of yourself and your children and found your way to the life that you deserve,

  • Josie Majcher September 8th, 2012 at 7:33 PM #14

    I have discovered my husband has been having a sexting affair with my best friend. I am starting the anger phase. I am also empty nesting: 2 away at college and one 15 year old left here at home. He says he now knows that sexting is wrong—but he sent pictures of himself and texted that he loved her and wanted to meet after his volleyball game. I am a lost woman trying to find herself. I was a stay at home mom who worked week ends, volunteered when the kids were younger. Yes, i feel devasted—I did not know anything was wrong. I have begun to pedal my bike, started yoga, lost 77 pounds, am taking lessons to learn to play sand volleyball—they are free, I am looking for a job. He makes too much money for free counseling and we live pay check to pay check, so I am trying to do this “recovery” on my own. I am happy I can vent here and read that I am NOT alone. Thank you —-for “listening” it helps too.

  • Ted September 9th, 2012 at 9:29 PM #15

    Affairs are what you get when you marry the good looking succesful guy with the big bucks. Women have no interest in a nice guy who treats them well. They want the big house, The fancy car. The exotic vacations and in the end they get what they deserve. No sympathy here.

  • Francesca September 17th, 2012 at 2:48 PM #16

    My husband has been carrying on an affair with an old flame for three years and the extent of the betrayal has only recently become clear to me/ I can’t imagine letting go but feel I must and I don’t know how. My emotions veer all over the place, fear replaced by anger, by despair, humiliation, envy, self-hatred.

  • Dr. Lynn Somerstein September 21st, 2012 at 5:23 PM #17

    JOsie- you sound like you have a plan- a good one. Sometimes you can find low cost therapy, which would help too. I salute your fabulous progress.

  • Dr. Lynn Somerstein September 21st, 2012 at 5:24 PM #18

    Hi Ted-
    You sound like you’ve had some tough experiences of your own, but, take it from me, not all women go for the big bucks.
    Take care, thanks for writing,
    Lynn

  • Dr. Lynn Somerstein September 21st, 2012 at 5:25 PM #19

    Francesca, it’s so hard to realize something like this. If might help to talk things out with a professional, who will help you get over your fears and self hatred.
    My heart goes with you.
    take care,
    Lynn

  • Erica October 3rd, 2012 at 12:24 PM #20

    My husband has been having an affair for 21 months now with a married woman who he dated 20 yrs ago, he claims he never loved me, he is angry at me, and blames everything on me. I love him dearly, but he will not respect me or our marriage as this is his second affair. I have been alone for almost two years, just working on my own personal growth, the only reason I am not angry anymore, but he will not grow up, we still have a son to raise who is going through hell because his dad is not the dad he used to have. How can I help my husband to just have a working relationship with me for our child? My child and myself are in counseling while he screams obsenity’s at me in divorce court.

  • Lucy October 9th, 2012 at 4:09 AM #21

    My spouse was involved in $300.00-$500.00 a month of porno from pay per view and rented videos. During this time and before I was literally begging him to be intimate with me and tried many self improvements to hopefully help my plot. When I confronted him hed said he was glad I found out. To my knowledge he stopped the “viewings.” I felt so betrayed,enraged, and confused. I still am and that was 5 years ago. We sleep in different rooms and hardly ever are intimate and I feel nothing. I have been seekinng therapy and am getting nowhere. I have resumed the habit of cutting my feet. Sometimes I spend hours doing this. I need help. Thanks!

  • Kelly October 18th, 2012 at 3:01 PM #22

    My experience is similar to others mentioned. My husband has cheated on me several times. One of these incidents reulted in a child that is between my children in age. How embarrassing!! We’re still married but like one of the other respondents I constantly resist the urge to try and catch him; it is as if I am just waiting for it to happen again.

    I have tried to get past it, but I haven’t been able to truly put it all behind me. We have a decent life, but I feel very unfulfilled.

    I am not anxious to leave the marriage because of my children, but at the same time, I’m not sure I can keep going like this either. I am encouraged by Carrie’s story and Josie’s story.

    Thank you for this space.

  • Regina October 22nd, 2012 at 12:36 AM #23

    I am so happy to hear so many comments from women’s past experience. I just found out my husband is having an affair with a gal half my age. We stop intimating since 4 years ago but his excuse was he was getting old and not interested in sex. Now I know the truth so I feel betrayed, hurted and devasted. I confront him and he says he will end it, but do you think I can trust him to do so? I saw their texts they called each other husband and wife. I have 3 abnormal children and2 grandchilren. We have been very happy together because although he had had been cheating on me, he treat me and the family well. Please help me. I love him and this family too much to get a divorce to destroy this family.

  • Vanessa November 18th, 2012 at 6:50 AM #24

    Once TRUST is lost due to cheating on ANY level, it is the most difficult thing to get back especially in a LOVE relationship. It is a VIOLATION of the heart towards the person, you say, You love. Love is a GIFT. When we take vows before MEN and in the PRESENCE of God, it should mean somthing and be taken seriously. I recently had a situation occur that I found devastated to learn about infidelity. When a man or a woman CHEATS, it like being a criminal of the heart and dangerous. A man cheating whose wife was unaware of his EXTENSIVE cheating with MANY and various women, including strippers, co-workers, you name it ( any woman with a vagina who he found attractive) was subjective his wife to HIV/AIDS without little regards to her feelings and well-being. How can we justify or condon this kind of activity in a relationship when it encompasses so much more. Be a man or a woman and not a coward. If the marriage is over, get out legally and rightfully. If it is worth saving, BREAK all ties and don’t put yourself in a compromising position with someone outside your marriage. It is ALL about choice and desire. As for cyberspace cheating, GET SOME HELP, because those images will not be there when you need a helping and loving hand to help through sickness and other personal challenges WHEN your wife leaves you.

  • lorna November 20th, 2012 at 1:06 AM #25

    My husband cheated with my best friend and had a son 3months younger than my son this was the 2nd time I found out he always bring his girlfriends home and the first one was his collegue at work where he even admitted having sex in the office now he is retired an I work on his nerves her can even support or want to acknoledge that son that look identical to him I still stay with him but hate every minute of my life I feel like commiting suicide he even insist on me going to church with him and dressing a certain way not cutting my hair no pants and tell me I am to fat

  • Lynn Somerstein November 22nd, 2012 at 9:14 AM #26

    Reading your letters, filled with pain, rage, and the shameful feelings that often arise when feeling betrayed, I would like to give especial comfort today. It is Thanksgiving Day, which may feel especially difficult,and it may be real hard to feel thankful for anything.
    I salute your courage, and wish you warmth, comfort and peace.

  • Kay November 26th, 2012 at 9:19 PM #27

    In september this yr i discovered my husband was exchanging a ton of texts with a woman he claims she wanted him but he says he didnt. I found it hard to believe, was so sad and hurt but forgave and let it go. A week ago I discovered he started chatting and flirting with another girl on facebook and this really devastated me. Im 4 months pregnant and i felt like he was showing his true colors. He appologized sunday and cried to me saying he cant live without me only to go back and continue chatting with her tuesday and flirting even more with dirty talk. I left the house for 3 days then returned… We sleep in different rooms now… We have been married a year and half, he has been so sweet to me but its things like this that make me feel like im married to a careless stupid man. He says im the perfect wife, i wonder what makes him do this. We had other issues already like his extremely poor or non existant communication skills… Now im wondering if it is the end or should we consider counseling. I dont know what counseling would do with him, he is annoyed with questions and simply blvs he should be forgiven. please share your wisdom with me. He is not even trying to reach out to me and see how I’m doing or feeling…. I tried discussing things tonite and he more or less I made a mistake, sorry, get over it. I told him that was not enough. What does this mean?

  • Vanessa November 27th, 2012 at 5:30 AM #28

    Kay, I read your text and my HEART goes out to you. Your husband sounds like a selfish NARCISSITIC. He has no empathy for you even while you are carrying HIS child. My advice to you is seek professional counseling and resources outside your husband to become stronger and have on hand, just in case, you may have to leave him to raise your child on your own. Men who seek pleasure and connect to other women outside their marriages have SERIOUS personal problems and we as women stay too long in bad relationships, even with children. We get caught up in their web of lies and deception and in the mean time, our years and youth slip by, without realizing that is our ticket to a better life and man. If he does not go for help, you need to consider other options for yourself and child. I pray you have the courage and find the right one. Thanks for sharing.

  • Lynn Somerstein November 27th, 2012 at 5:50 AM #29

    Dear Kay-
    How awful– betrayed, repeatedly, when you’re pregnant. I think marital counselling is worth a try– but it will be difficult when one partner has difficulty communicating. I also recommend that you find a counselor to work with individually, who will help and support you in this difficult time, which is even harder to bear during this holiday season.
    Take care, good luck, my thoughts go with you.
    Lynn

  • Mia December 12th, 2012 at 9:58 PM #30

    Anger, Pain, and those repeated words of “the past is the past” and “why do you keep bringing it up like its going to change anything?” Why is it seem like I am the one who wants to argue just because I can’t forgive. Forgiveness don’t just complete itself overnight, right after the words escaped your mouth. But just because I can’t control the daily attacks of heartache and shed tears uncontrollably doesn’t make me the bad person who intentionally tries to initiate arguments. How can forgive when I’ve sacrificed so much… I haven’t stopped crying since last December until now. How can I not be angry? Being only 22, married for just 3 years to someone who threw me out the house with an excuse of wanting to be single but only to cheat on me with a minor for almost a year… How can I not be angry when I been depressed enough to screw up in college and went through a miscarriage. Tell me… How can I forgive?… How can I move on when I love this person for more than a quarter of my own life? I want to forgive, I want to not be angry, and I want to get out of depression. I want to love again but I am just so ANGRY. Help me, someone, anyone…

  • Lynn Somerstein December 13th, 2012 at 12:04 PM #31

    Mia, your hurt is so deep. You write that you are angry, resentful, and terribly depressed, suffering an overload of pain that needs someone’s help to make it bearable; you simply can’t carry it all by yourself.Is there a way that you can find that someone? Perhaps a trusted friend or relative, better yet- perhaps a counselor who has experience helping people with these issues.

  • Poshy December 24th, 2012 at 5:42 AM #32

    I know were u come from my problem exactly as yours I bottle up a lot and when I burst things go mad. Speak to a friend your mom someone close to you and see how it goes tell him how you feel don’t bottle up your emotions it will kill you inside

    Hope this helps!!

  • Lynn Somerstein December 24th, 2012 at 8:31 AM #33

    Well said, Poshy! Thank you.

    Take care,
    Lynn

  • Jeff December 27th, 2012 at 8:09 AM #34

    I’m the one who cheated, with someone from my past, at a time when I was losing my job. I knew it was wrong, I felt horrible, especially knowing how hard my partner was taking it. In October I cut off all ties with the person I cheated with, and I want to do all I can to make up for this. I’ve treated my partner royally, and on many levels he has responded positively. But on Christmas things fell apart, and it’s clear that under the surface his emotions are still raw. He seems to want some “magic answer” as to why I did what I did, and I don’t have one. He wants me to get counseling, but I think he’s the one who could use it (or both of us together, which I’ve suggested). He doesn’t seem able to get past a certain point with this. and I don’t know what I can do to help him. I definitely want to stay with him.

  • Lynn Somerstein December 27th, 2012 at 10:37 AM #35

    Hi Jeff,
    How sad. Although it’s neither an excuse nor a reason, losing your job can provide an unconscious push towards infidelity, as though the excitement of the new relationship provides an antidote to the depressed feelings that come with being out of work. It’s not, of course, it makes everything worse instead, as you know.
    How about couples counseling to help you stay together? And if the counselor recommends individual treatment for either or both of you that’s not a bad idea either.
    I wish you both calm, love and satisfaction in the new year.
    Take care,
    Lynn

  • Audrey Chambers January 7th, 2013 at 11:36 AM #36

    Wow, I am so sorry that I can empathasize but that’s the truth. Adultery, like death is something you get through but never get over…. I have been married for 28 years and a christian. I hate hypocrisy and liars 2 things that follow cheating but I ended up marrying what I hate the most. I found out 11 years ago and the result is that I do not love my husband. I am clinically depressed and am now just on medication. My husband tries but he has no clue what to do, what to say, or how to function around me, so he just avoids the situation. I am unemployed but I bellieve that is God for if I were working I am so gone. Ladies, you deserve so much more, you are not to blame so be fabulous, eat drink and be merry. There will come a day of reaping. Be blessed.

  • Lori January 16th, 2013 at 2:05 PM #37

    My husband is having his second affair. I found out myself both times. I’m trying to learn to smile again. Maybe it’s for the best, who knows. My marriage is over, but I truly hope we can be somewhat civil towards each other. I do not trust him anymore as my husband but maybe as my friend. I don’t know. I think he is a coward though. Maybe there is a new life out there for me. I do have to take care of myself now. That’s has to be the first thing to do. Thanks and Good Luck to all the broken hearts out there. Please remember no man or woman is ever worth ending you life over! God Bless and be strong.

  • Jayne January 16th, 2013 at 4:47 PM #38

    I have been married for just over 3 years, and was previously married for over 20 years. I thought my current husband and I were soulmates as we had so much in common and he was the person I had been looking for all my life. Things went wrong before we married, but hoped things would get better. I found out that his life is full of lies and contradictions. Now I am not here to run him down, or say all men are the same. But just short of 2 years ago, we decided to move away from all the family as we were experiencing interference from both of our previous families, which was causing us to fight and argue. The day after we moved, we argued and my husband walked out, and got on a plane to go back to where he was born, a long way to go for a holiday.

    Communication was poor in the early days, but eventually I went to visit him and have moved to where he was born. A month after arriving he left his Facebook account open after getting very drunk, he had been exchanging mails with an exgirlfriend and were very explicit. I found out that he had cheated on me prior to leaving months before; and had told her of his plans to move abroad and that our marriage was over. This was the same man who from returning from his trip with his ill mate, had met me from work and cooked me a meal and told me how much he loved me.

    I am now in a place that is alien to me, no money as I used all my savings to get a visa and ship stuff here, left my family and friends behind. I have managed to get a casual job, but money is tight and I still have a credit card bill to clear, as I had to have medical treatment not long after getting here, which was so expensive.

    So here I am today wondering what the hell am I doing? He says he is sorry and that he loves me, but the trust is long gone and I never know if he is telling the truth or not. The sad thing is I love him, but why? Why can’t I switch that one thing off. I will spend another 12 hours alone today, thinking about what I should be doing, as hes gone to work. I am off today and don’t know many people and emigrating to a place so far away and the time difference is taking its toll :( I know its not all about him, but really need some sound advice.

  • Mary Beth February 17th, 2013 at 6:41 PM #39

    My husband had n affair 23 yrs ago. I still can’t get over it. He’s very remorseful. I forgave him but can’t forgive him. I torment myself with the day I found out. It happened over Christmas and he told me he would let me know In a month if he would stay with me or her. We were married at the time for 15 yrs. I remember every word that was said. I also am obsessed with knowing what the mistress is up to. She remarried and has a 16 yr. and turned very religious. I would love to let her know how miserable I feel, while she is having her wonderful little life. I am seeing a therapist next week.

  • R May 24th, 2013 at 5:33 PM #40

    In the first 6 yrs of our marraige my husband used to hit me, he was very jealous and possive, he would listen to people telling lies about me and come home and hit me. I fould out about a girl the day before my baby shower, when i was pregnant with my second child. IThey never had sex but she called my phone til 4in the morning harassing me. I forgave hime, but he ended up accepting her her FR on Facebook…they was another incident when another girl called my phone saying that he was in luv with her, i recorded it and had him listen and he cussed her out. This was 6yrs ago…I ended up forgiving him and put it behind me. He ended up hitting me again up until a 1yr ago….last yr,,I found out on my daughters 5th bday, that he had sleep with her March 2012, the same girl that called my phone saying he was in love with him….I knew this girl, she is from my home hometown which is very small. Thw night that it happen i felt somthing was wrong, my stomach was in knots and when i woke up at 6am, he wasnt home yet. The next day she posted it on Facebook and my friends and family seen. After it came out i wrnt into depression, started drinking heavy and ended up get pacrantis…he hasnt changed, as far i know he hasnt seen her since, but its been a yr and i cant get over it, im embarassed, and ashamed the 1 person i asked him not to sleep with and stay away was the person he slept with..Ive put up with alot from him,but i ready to leave Im having a hard time forfiving him, and frankly I dont think he deserves it. Tired, unhappy, hurt

  • R May 24th, 2013 at 5:34 PM #41

    Oh we’ve been married for 10yrs now. I turned 30 last yr, and this was an eye opener

  • R May 24th, 2013 at 5:35 PM #42

    Excuse the typos, I’m upset.

  • Lynn Somerstein May 25th, 2013 at 10:39 AM #43

    Dear R- Perhaps you should find a women’s group or women’s shelter where you can find help and safety for yourself and your children. This could be a dangerous situation.

  • lou June 2nd, 2013 at 7:01 PM #44

    The day After Mothers Day 2013, I got into a huge argument with my brother involving his fiance. My husband came home and tried to comfort me, but I was so upset i told him i didn’t want him to touch me or talk to me. It must’ve lasted the whole day.

    anyway, im a stay at home mother and 7 months pregnant with his child and we also have 5&6 year old boys and he tells me its over. He wants a divorce. He doesn’t love me and that I’ve pushed him far enough to where its really over. I was so emotional for that whole week, crying and feeling torn. It was like a bad nightmare for me. He stayed out later after work then came home and comforted me, kissing, hugging, loving. It felt good but I felt worse because I knew he was doing it only because I was pregnant.

    Then days later he came home drunk and he passed out. I went through his phone and found pictures of him and another female kissing. I found text messages from other females and confronted him about it. I was devastated and felt like dying. More tears and sleepless nights came. We still slept with each other knowing that he betrayed me. He told me he was in it for our kids. That he never loved me. He was saying more hurtful things. It was like another side of him that I’ve never seen. I couldn’t take it anymore. He said that affair has been going on for a while. I asked him to go to counseling with me, but he said no. He doesn’t want me. He doesn’t love me. He wanted the divorce. So we both talked to our 6 year old about mommy and daddy had to take some time apart from each other. My husband then tells my son more than my son should know, that it was because of the lady he likes and that my son thinks he’d like her. That he’s planning to move in with her or her with him. It was too much information for my son to take. I was so upset with that.
    So on the 23rd of may, I told him I was going to move out of our apartment and that I was taking the kids with me to move to my moms. He said he will leave but I couldn’t afford to live there with the kids, so I left.

    We both agreed that the kids will be with him on Saturdays and back on Sundays. Then I find out that the female he is having a affair with moves in the following week after I moved out and that he wanted to introduce our kids to her and her kids 12 & 14 plus a 7month old baby. I asked to meet with my husband and his mistress the day before that Saturday my kids had to go visit. It was emotional for me as I had a lot of questions for the both of them. I told them that it was wrong for both of them to be moving so fast. I wasn’t comfortable of the fact that my husband would bring another female into my kids life so quickly. I told him he can still visit with his kids, just that he needs to be the only one around them until they can feel more comfortable with everything that’s been going on with us. Saturday came and he never called or emailed to let me know he wasn’t coming.

    right now, even though im not quite ready to file or sign divorce papers, I will be consulting with a family facilitator to see what my legal rights and options are. i just want my life back to normal. I need to be strong for my kids and unborn child. And pray to god that I will endure the pain putting my faith in him.

  • Lisa June 29th, 2013 at 9:32 AM #45

    Asher, seriously, the wronged spouse is not responsible in any way for the cheaters decision to cheat.  The wronged person may share responsibility for any troubles in the marriage, but the decision to cheat is ALL on the cheater.  

    Yes, we’ve all made mistakes in life and, ideally, we repent, atone for them and are forgiven.  This bs of ‘just get over it’ does not help at all, especially if it’s the cheater who’s saying it.  The key to being forgiven is actually repenting.  If at any point the words ‘just get over it’ are spoken, I seriously doubt true repentance has occurred. How arrogant does a person have to be to cheat and then expect his or her partner to ‘just get over it’?  And if someone on the outside of the relationship says it, they obviously don’t understand the depth of the betrayal that has occurred.

  • Dr. Lynn Somerstein June 29th, 2013 at 11:40 AM #46

    Well said, Lisa! Thank you.

  • Cindy June 29th, 2013 at 10:07 PM #47

    My husband told me he was having an affair one morning in Jan 2012. He told me that it had been physical for about 7 months and that it was with someone from work. I have been devastated since. We just had a fight tonight over it, its been 1 1/2 years since it ended, but i cant get over it. I still dont know how this couldve happened behind my back, or how my husband could have done this to me. I hope one day I can move past this, because this is a living hell.

  • Wacold July 5th, 2013 at 9:35 AM #48

    Cindy I get where you are. My husband has an affair and I found out May 8 2012. I am mostly over it as far as the intrusive thoughts and paralyzing pain. I still think about it daily it is just not so intense or long lasting. I do at times feel twinges of anger and almost hate if I’m being honest. When that happens I choose to look at what I have now and how far we have come. There is no doubt us as the betrayed spouse come out on the loosing end in many ways after infidelity but you can grow so much as a person and therefore come out ahead in the long run.

    I had to ask myself what was it that was keeping me from letting it go and what I finally heard was “your ego”. It cost me the way I saw myself through his eyes and I also had to look at my own imperfections. If you can understand it was not about you at all but about how he felt about himself and insecurities. Women today tend to beat our husbands down until they feel they can not win with us or make us happy so they go to a women where they can do those things as well as get appreciated and adored. So really in getting over infidelity I had to get over myself

  • nicole August 5th, 2013 at 7:07 AM #49

    I have been married to my husband for 16 years. We have 3 kids. I discovered a year and a half ago that he has been having an affair for the last 7 year, which resulting in them having a kid who is now 5. I only discovered this info because he butt called me while he was at her house. I felt the ultimate betrayal. He lied and betrayed me for years thinking he would NEVER get caught. He was very smooth because I didn’t notice nothing out of the ordinary. He came home every night, granted I’m sure there were signs I just didn’t see them or didn’t want to see them because he knew I trusted him so much. None the les, for the sake of the kids, time invested and above above all the love I had for him I stayed to work on my marriage. Fast forward to now. I discovered that he is still messing with that women, I found out that he took the other family on a weekend vacation. So I feel like after he begged n pleaded for us to stay together n work it out, it was all in vein, because he always new he wasn’t going to just cut it off after all they been messing around for years and have a child. I should have known better. With the second slap in the face I decided to call it quits. I cannot stand around like a fool and wait for the 3rd slap. I am tore to pieces over this mess. But I have to stand firm on the word of God that this too shall pass and that he will supply all my needs. I am about to step out on faith and embark on a new journey. I don’t know how it will end all I know is I have to start somewhere.

  • K October 19th, 2013 at 7:28 PM #50

    I understand what you are all going through and share your pain. Especially the respondents who speak about intrusive thoughts and the loss of joy. I too have the same story, but my goal here is to let you know you are not alone. Please keep fighting.

  • janu January 7th, 2014 at 3:42 PM #51

    Hi
    I have the same problem but my husband had physical affair with gals before our wedding,now after wedding he looks trustworthy but not sure how long he is going to be the same, im unable to get over his past physical affairs with the gals because i had none, having gf/bf is common but virginity is the limit . Its been one year we are married and still i cant control my anger when i get reminded of his sexual relationships with others. i start crying when i get recollected about his affairs. In the past one year our sexual life was worst, we hardly engaged 10 -12 times in one year. this developed more frustration in me thinking that he had sex with them but not his wife? im so depressed sometimes that i feel like i shouldnt live anymore but the same time he cools me down.
    My question is how to get over his past sexual affairs? i know he has changed my im not sure how long he is going to be the same.

  • Cathy mc Gilligan January 8th, 2014 at 10:43 AM #52

    Omg I just can’t get over this affair. It happened in July and my husband is soo sorry for what he did. I really do mean he is really sorry. He had bent over backwards for me. He is such a good man, this is why I am still so shocked about what happened. He has had an awful lot of stress with work over the last year. I love him so much, and I know he loves me. He can’t believe he did this. O god he has done everything to make things better. All I want is to forget the sordid details that his mistress sent me through Facebook. I want my marriage of 20 years to work,but I really am having much trouble forgetting. We had a grt marriage, no rows, no money worries. He can’t believe he did this and crys regularly too.
    HELP me please xxxxxxx it only lasted 7 mths, but it’s still so hurtful:((((

  • Rosie January 9th, 2014 at 3:00 AM #53

    If you hold on to the past it will destroy you yOu need to find strength in moving forward . You are married now so you need to trust that he loves you and won’t Cheat . I’ve been married for 27 years the last 5 years have been hell ny husband cheated it takes everything I have to move forward but you need faith and trust if you don’t there isn’t any point . But at the same time believe in yourself and your gut instinct I did . Good luck don’t waste your life worrying in something that isn’t but live for what you have good luck

  • Lac January 15th, 2014 at 2:47 PM #54

    Mary Beth-I am in the same place! I found out my husband was having an affair two years ago with my best friend. My husband and I have worked through it, and in some ways stills are. What haunts me is the mistress/best friend. We moved away from the area about 6 months ago and I am obsessed with the her. She and her husband have since separated. I was seeing a therapist but haven’t found one that works for me since we moved. Any advice to stop letting her come between us, psychologically, is appreciated.

  • Pam January 19th, 2014 at 3:50 PM #55

    How do you start trusting again ? My husband had a four month affair with a co-worker. It has been two years and I still don’t trust him. I found out by her husband coming to our house. And he lied about only sleeping with her three times. But the trickle of truth, over three months, I found out he slept with her over 48 times. They met over lunch and went to a park. Her husband even told him to leave her alone. And they just couldn’t. My jib is very stressful and during the time my husband started this whole affair is when I didn’t pay him enough attention and she told him so much bs. I am amazed his head could even get through a door with so much bs.
    The sad thing is I do love my husband, but is it enough to make out marriage work. I still look at his phone and email. It’s like I just can’t let it go. I am so afraid of getting hurt again.

  • Pam January 19th, 2014 at 3:53 PM #56

    He feels guilty. But he made the choice. He could have pushed her away and said “wait I am a married man, I need to work on my marriage.” He took a vow. Maybe he is afraid you will leave and take everything.

  • Cathy mc Gilligan January 25th, 2014 at 1:12 PM #57

    :( I know what ur saying, but he really is truly sorry. He can’t do anything more to prove to me how sorry he is. He also said if I wanted him to,go, he would let me have the house and he would always provide for me and the kids. He is such a lovely man, this is why I am so shocked. It’s not his thing. He did have a awful lot so stress through work, and I know maybe think he was sick or something. It’s me who has the problem coming to terms with this, as we both want our marriage back the way it was. I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel xx

  • Brooke January 28th, 2014 at 6:55 PM #58

    My husband and I will be married 5 years next week. We started having problems in 2010 when I had our daughter. I have a bad temper and would say some pretty crappy things to him. Last July he started apparently having feelings for a coworker and the first night he cheated he told me he was going to the casino and stayed at her house. I was 7 months pregnant at the time and was a surrogate. I found out because she sent him a I miss you text the next day. For 2 months after I found out he continued his affair behind my back and actually got her pregnant. He waited till after we planned a vow renewal ceremony and I had the baby to tell me. I am fighting like hell to not walk out she wants him to sign his rights over so her and her boyfriend can raise the baby. I am struggling so bad and I am in so much pain. How could he do this. He watched me literally fall apart and still kept seeing her. I don’t want to tear my family apart but I am not coping. He is swearing I know it all and there is nothing to hide and that he wants to make us work but I Don’t trust him at all. I want to move past the thoughts and images in my head but don’t know how.

  • Lynn Somerstein January 29th, 2014 at 2:48 PM #59

    Hi Brooke,
    Thanks very much for writing about your troubles. I advise you and your husband to seek marital therapy and see if you can straighten out your relationship, which seems to have gone off the tracks a bit when you became pregnant.
    Good luck, and let me know how it goes.
    Take care,
    Lynn

  • Desiree January 29th, 2014 at 6:00 PM #60

    Its been 5 years since my husband cheated on me,I used to be the most devout Christian believed that all things work to the good of those who love God, I never knew that this would happen to me. Im filled with hate realized that if I can feel this much hate toward that woman that I wish she were dead. she stole the essence of my marriage to a man ive known my whole life. i want what we had before and thats gone, If god were real I could never have fallen this deep into hate. i love my husband and i keep trying to pretend it never happened but every single time i look at my husband kiss him touch him hug him i may be smiling at him but i see them together i see her on her whore knees. Everyday i have to decide if I want to live today because i feel so much pain, I try to forgive i think i understand but then the pain rushes back because of the images in my head i need help i hate what ive become i hate who i am now im so broken

  • Brooke January 29th, 2014 at 8:35 PM #61

    We actually started the day I found out. He did 2 months of it while still seeing her. We have been going for 6 months now. At the appt.today the Dr actually mentioned meds.

  • admin2 January 30th, 2014 at 9:31 AM #62

    Hi Desiree,
    Thank you for your comment. If you feel that this is a crisis situation, it is very important that you seek assistance as soon as possible. You can do one of the following immediately:
    Call your local law enforcement agency (911);
    Go to the nearest hospital emergency room;
    Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TTY:1-800-799-4TTY)

    Further resources can be found at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html.

    We wish you the best!
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Cathy mc Gilligan February 6th, 2014 at 2:51 PM #63

    Hiya Rosie

    Like me I have been married 23 years. Hubby had an affair which started jan 5 last year and I found out in July. Although it was over at this stage. It is killing me to the extent that I feel like taking my own life, if it weren’t for my 3 kids I would. It hurts so so bad. You see he is the nicest man you could meet. No one would ever believe what he has done. He is the perfect husband. Well up until now. I love him so so so much, and I know he loves me the same. We have cried together so many times in the last 8 mths. He just says he can’t understand why he did it. She sent me some of the details through Facebook which has just made a bad situation terribly worse. What am I going to do. My life seems to have ended, I cry every single day, can’t help it. He has been so supportive to me, I love him, but I am afraid I am only staying to make life easy.
    Did you feel as bad as this??? Or I am over exaggerating. Will life ever get back to the way we were. That’s what we want but it’s me who all the problems in my head. Just wish god would come and take me, but what about my beautiful kids!!!!!!

  • admin2 February 7th, 2014 at 1:35 PM #64

    Hi Cathy,
    Thank you for commenting on the GoodTherapy.org Blog! Help is out there, and we want to make sure you have the resources you need to find it. If you are experiencing a life-threatening emergency, in danger of hurting yourself or others, feeling suicidal, overwhelmed, or in crisis, you can do one of the following immediately:

      Call your local law enforcement agency (911);
      Go to the nearest hospital emergency room;
      Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TTY:1-800-799-4TTY)

    You can find further resources on this page: http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html
    In addition, you can look for a therapist on GoodTherapy.org by searching here: http://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html

    We wish you the best!
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Cathy mc Gilligan February 12th, 2014 at 5:39 AM #65

    Tkx x

  • Amanda February 14th, 2014 at 7:57 AM #66

    Im dealing with a similar thing. I caught my bf in a deep, blatant lie that he swore was for no good reason. But since Im not an idiot, I KNOW that if there were no reason, the lie would not have been told. He spent two days away from home under the guise of going to visit his son, and I found out that he had lied to both myself and his son about where he was going to be. Uggh.

    He claims he just wanted to go hunting and thought that I would stop him. BS. He has been going hunting almost every hunting season weekend since we’ve been together and I have NEVER ONCE stopped him from going. Sure I’ve told him that I felt neglected and wished he would spend a weekend with me bc when he’s not hunting, he’s going to see his son and it would be good if he could just sacrifice a hunting weekend for me. But I never told him that he couldn’t and I didn’t put up a stone wall because he refused. So this story about lying to me because I would not have let him go was TOTAL BS.

    He manipulated me because he KNOWS that I would never stop him from going to see his son, so he used that to go do whatever he wanted in secret thinking I would never find out. I guess he got tied up with his other woman and took too long to get to his son because his son called me confused on what time his dad would be there. Total shock for me, considering he had fabricated an entire story to me on the phone the night before about how he and his son were having a great time and even giving me details about what was going on.

    This hurt me to the core. I have overlooked many lies that men (and he) has told and have made excuses for why they did tell the lie but this lie was pointless UNLESS HE WAS WITH ANOTHER WOMAN. That is the ONLY reason. I cannot trust him. How can I ever feel secure when he goes to see his son from this point on? I will NEVER EVER believe him. I don’t deserve to be paranoid and insecure about this relationship every weekend for the rest of my life. I’m not going to re-arrange my life just to cling by his side and supervise him either. I deserve a trusting relationship and for me to have that, this one has to end.

    We discussed his lie and he denies cheating to no end (as all cheaters do) and thinks that he has gotten away with something. He apologized for lying. Just words that I cannot trust. No grand gesture of apologies (roses, card, counseling, etc…) to attempt to win my trust back. He refuses to sleep on the couch. He is smug. Expected me to be intimate with him the same night. Gross.

    The thing is long before this revelation, he had been actively mistreating me. He seemed to do and say things to me that you wouldn’t do to a stranger, let alone someone you love. He really brought out the ugly in me. I felt like he was trying to make me fall out of love with him. And it worked. Good for me. I’ve stayed because 1.) I honestly thought the man that he was when we met would re-emerge and 2.) I’m not a quitter and I know you do have go through struggles in a relationship. But I do not consider cheating a struggle to get through. Cheating is means for termination. In my heart he cheated and that is that. There is no other reason for his massive lie. Plus this incident and all the ‘clues’ I’ve gotten in the past 4 yrs will serve as enough ‘evidence’ for me. I no longer require SOLID evidence, I know my limit. Blatant lies to cover up something you refuse to admit to lead to termination.

    He doesn’t know it but I am planning my getaway. In about a week, he will come home to an empty house and I will be free. It’s alot easier for me to make this decision because I am not in love with him anymore and his massive lie allows me to throw in the towel without guilt. It also helps that when he first started mistreating me, I started saving in the event of it not working out.

    Good move on my part and I encourage every woman to get her $$ together when he first starts changing for the worst. You’re probably not going to leave him right away but you need to take heed to his actions and start planning just in case, if you haven’t already. ESPECIALLY if you catch him cheating the first time and plan to stick it out. You KNOW there will be a second, third, fourth, and so on time (because he knows you will accept it, he’ll just be sneakier to not get caught), so start getting your funds in order so you won’t be trapped when you finally decide to get out.

    OP, who says you wanting him to suffer isn’t healthy?! You ENFORCING that and causing physical harm to him isn’t healthy, but you have every right to FEEL like you want him to suffer as you have. You are human and you have emotions. Emotions that he TAMPERED with when he cheated. Acknowledge those feelings and your anger. It seems like you are still trying to give him the ultimate respect. You give him credit for doing everything he can and scold yourself for being snarky with him. He violated your marriage vows, you are allowed to cope with it and be angry. He doesn’t get to dictate to you how long you can be angry. A therapist will help you shorten the process.

    Good luck. I hope it works out for the best. The fact that you are trying to make it work with him shows that you are a loving, supportive, forgiving person and you deserve that in return. I hope he can deliver. All the best.

  • Amanda February 14th, 2014 at 8:05 AM #67

    Also, I love what Lynn said about physical activity and meditating but her best advice is the counseling. Staying busy and journaling is great if you plan to divorce and are moving on as a single woman but as long as you share your space with him, these things will only be disrupted by his cheating face when he enters your space. Lynn is right, you need a therapist or someone to intervene and HELP you through those feelings. Also, you need to understand that since you two are still a unit, you can’t deal by only doing solo things alone.

  • Amanda February 14th, 2014 at 9:21 AM #68

    Another thing, when it comes to second chances, I don’t agree with how so many people are comfortable lumping cheating in with lying, laziness, rudeness, and legitimate mistakes. Second chances are GREAT. Fabulous to give to others and we all deserve one BUT there are some things where second chances shouldn’t be carelessly doled out. Cheating is one of them. I don’t agree with sticking around waiting for a second opportunity to be cheated on. A second chance is warranted if your hubby has yet again forgotten to pick up your son from baseball practice. If your hubby is screwing the little league coordinator, no second chances should be given. If the wife is caught venting and telling negative, intimate details about hubby to her girlfriends, she gets a second chance. If she is caught venting and telling negative, intimate details about hubby to her lover–no second chance.

    I think when cheating victims offer second chances, it’s about denial and desperation. They fear that they won’t find happiness in the future and they cling to the relationship out of circumstance.

    You’d be hard pressed to find a person who says to a battered woman (or man) to give the abuser a second chance. They’d say GET OUT! Cheating should be right up there with it. ESPECIALLY when they’re married. Another thing, unless your partner mistook your twin for yourself, cheating is not a ‘mistake’. It was a bad DECISION. Mistakes get second chances. Bad decisions that affect the trust & security in a relationship should not get second chances.

    IMO, to say give a cheater a second chance, is to say ‘well if I cheated, I’d deserve a second chance.’ Nope. If I cheat, I do not deserve a second chance. If I deliberately strike up a romance with another person outside of my relationship, I have no right to expect forgiveness and I accept all consequences. It would be great if I was forgiven, but I wouldn’t expect it. Which is why I do not cheat.

    There is such a thing as being too forgiving and the title usually refers to human doormats. Second chances are awesome but give them out for the right reasons and stop settling for mediocrity.

  • niimura February 22nd, 2014 at 11:18 PM #69

    Im getting married in a week time. My fiancé is a nice guy who loves me so much, however it bothers me much that hes working with his ex gf who he mentioned he had sex with. I used to work with him, and the images still vivid in my mind on how he avoided me as his ex hated me. Subsequently, after we are together. His ex kept humiliating me infront people and through her fb. I’m hurt,and cried everyday of the hurtful words and how people at my work see me as. It hurt me more that he didn’t do anything. Im now transfered to different department.and im glad. However it still hurt that hes working with his ex. Moreover, im a virgin and hes the first. However, I kept thinking that I wasnt his first and cried feeling insecure that im not the one first whos able to please him. We’ve talked, however he just mentioned that whats past is the past. The words doesn’t mean anything as im the one feeling depressed and hurt over his actions. Im afraid that my mentality could end the marridge. How could I feel better?

  • Gill March 5th, 2014 at 8:59 AM #70

    I feel exactly the same and have turned the anger in overs the person whom i went to when i found out was a once good friend. My husband has been shagging her niece when i was ill in hospital. We live in a small village. And this aunt told everyone that it was a rumour. This infuriated me even more as she knew. The truth. But to defend her niece also defended my husband. I dont go out. Dont eat or sleep properly in fact. Its got me sucicidal also. I didnt just loose husband i lost friends social life the lot

  • Gill March 5th, 2014 at 9:06 AM #71

    I totally agree with your comment. My husbands mistress sat two places along from me every week in same social circle. Started off as shoulder to cry on. She must ave been of low self esteem to need sumone elses man but its rocked me to the lowest eb. Ive no one to talk too as i lost my brst friend also as his mistress was her niece .

  • admin2 March 5th, 2014 at 9:16 AM #72

    Thank you for your comment. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Gill March 5th, 2014 at 3:35 PM #73

    How do i get in touch. With this help ?

  • GT Support GT Support March 7th, 2014 at 10:11 AM #74

    You can get in touch with help in the following ways:
    • Call your local law enforcement agency (911);
    • Go to the nearest hospital emergency room;
    • Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TTY:1-800-799-4TTY)
    • The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is equipped to take a wide range of calls, from immediate suicidal crisis to providing information about mental health. Call to speak with someone who cares; call if you feel you might be in danger of hurting yourself; call to find referrals to mental health services in your area; call to speak to a crisis worker about someone you’re concerned about.

    Please know that if you are international the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline might not be able to help you, but you can still go to your local law enforcement agency, and go to your nearest hospital.

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Jennifer March 10th, 2014 at 3:01 PM #75

    I recently found out that my husband of 2 years was having an affair when we got married that lasted over a month after we took our vows.

    I had been suspicious that he had been having an affair with someone at his work recently, but he admitted to this earlier affair when I questioned him. He had love notes from a woman taped to the inside of his desk drawer.

    He had previously cheated on me while we were dating. Also, he had been lying about financial issues. He hadn’t been paying our bills, to the point where our utilities and phones were getting shut off. I never saw his pay stubs, and had no idea how much he made. I never saw our bills as he would intercept the mail, have electronic bill pay, and even admitted to having a separate post office box.

    I feel that I cannot trust him, but am too afraid to leave him. He is making me care for his mother who is dying of cancer. He makes me feel guilty about every little thing, and he controls almost everything I do.

    I need help! What do I do?

  • Lynn Somerstein March 14th, 2014 at 10:56 AM #76

    Dear Jennifer,
    I am concerned that you are “too afraid to leave him.” What are you afraid might happen?
    Please take care,
    Lynn

  • Jennifer March 14th, 2014 at 7:48 PM #77

    Hi, Lynn

    I think I’m afraid of what will happen to him if I were to leave him. The guilty feelings I have are stifling.

    I know I am afraid of being alone. I’m afraid I’m not strong enough to not falter and go back to him. I’m afraid of my feelings; of being sad and scared and lonely. I shove everything down inside me and ignore it.

    I want to run away.

  • Lyn March 15th, 2014 at 3:51 PM #78

    Need to share this with the folks at EXaholics.com. Thanks!

  • Jennifer March 16th, 2014 at 1:02 PM #79

    I will give it a try. Thank you.

    Just an update, he kicked me out of our house yesterday.

    Jennifer

  • Claire March 16th, 2014 at 1:20 PM #80

    I don’t know where else I can talk as everyone is to close or involved I found out end of November that my husband of 3months had been having an affair we’ve been together 10 years he promised he’d never hurt me but he really broke my heart and soul I love him so much I agreed to give our relationship another go as he promised to never stray away again and to stop bullying me the bullying has stopped the change is good but everyday I wake up hurting from the affair im so confused on whats best as Im terrified that if I leave I’ll regret it as I do love him so much sorry to wine I feel so lonely on this one

  • Rosie March 22nd, 2014 at 8:31 AM #81

    Hi Cathy your marriage will not be the same and why would it he had a affair so the marriage has to change hopefully there’s more communication which was what marriage lacked.you both need to make a effort in spending time together and hopefully bring you both closer. I still struggle but I try to put it in the back of my mind .i something put on sad music and allow myself to cry try not to hold your feelings otherwise it just eats away at you.you seem like a beautiful soul allow yourself to feel and except what you feel it’s ok .for me the other woman has just made contact after 5years so we deleted that account and I sometimes laugh and think what nerve this woman has as she put a restraining order on me 3 years ago but was denied .trust is a hard thing but we need to take it day by day do things that make you happy, you deserve it all my best in healing let me now how your going….

  • Lynn Somerstein March 23rd, 2014 at 2:07 PM #82

    Many times people are afraid of “what will happen” to their partners if they leaved, even though their partners do not seem overly concerned about what is happening to them.
    What will happen if we change our focus, and look through the binoculars again, but in the opposite direction.
    IN other words, rather than worrying about “what will happen to them”, in the future, think about “what is happening to us,” right now.

  • Sarah March 25th, 2014 at 2:33 PM #83

    On the 1st jan 2014 I found out my husband had been texting another woman, in November, who works in the same supermarket as me, and there were sexual photos exchanged. After confronting the woman and have her tell me nothing else happened, 3 weeks later I found out that the woman had gone to his work and had intercourse with him in his storeroom! Everyone in my work place knows what happened coz she told a few people there but she seems to have no remorse for what she has done to me and her own family. Her husband knows all this because he was the one who found the messages and contacted me. My husband and I are getting through this but everytime I see her I feel like I an having an anxiety attack. I know I should quit my job but I can’t afford not to work and there is nowhere else, I have tried. She is a department manager so I don’t think she’s going anywhere. I love my husband and we are getting better but seeing her brings back the hurt.

  • Cathy M March 26th, 2014 at 4:21 PM #84

    Hiya Rosie

    Was nice to hear how your doing. My husband and I are working hard. I have to say he is putting so much work into our marriage to try and make things right. He honestly can’t believe he has done this to me. I know ho loves me, and I really love him and can’t imagine life without him. But it’s me. I’m the one who’s finding it so hard to get over this. You sound as though you are over the worse of it. Do you think that love can get us through this??? I really hope so. People like yourself give loads of hope. Thanks xx

  • L.O March 28th, 2014 at 7:54 PM #85

    I have been with my husband for 21 years we got together very young and I made a mistake and cheated and kept it to myself after 10 years I told him about it and it hurt him real bad I betrayed him and he seeked for revenge for what I done so he had an affaire with someone that was real close to me I get it I hurt him so he hurt me back we have three wonderful kids together and I love him so much but I have to look at this girl every where we go how do I get pass this it’s killing me because it starts fights between us every time she comes around please help me I don’t want to lose my marriage

  • Annie B March 30th, 2014 at 9:15 PM #86

    My story is not unusual. I am a 54 year old woman who has been married to my husband for 24 years but together with him for 34. In June of 2013 I found out he had been having an affair since January 2013. I was in total shock and was angry but I decided I believe (too early) to forgive him and let him come home. I am overweight and he told me that if I was to lose the weight and be how I was when we first moved to our home in 2000 that he would stay. He didn’t say I had to look just like I did but I needed to be thin. Having loved him for so long I started to do what he said. I was working out, bought new clothes and gave him more attention than ever before. We went to our son and DIL house with his mother and he and his mother stood in their apt and told us how lucky my husband was to have me forgive him. In Nov 2013 a man called my house and told me that his wife and my husband have been having an affair since July of 2013. That means within a month of me forgiving him he had picked up another whore. I was devastated to say the least and because this was right before Thanksgiving I went to my sons. In the time since Thanksgiving and Christmas my husband played upon my emotions telling me that he and his lover were going to stop having their affair because it wrong. I was an emotional wreck and believed him the first time. He left again two weeks later. Right before XMAS he came back and played me again. I believed him and then he left in January and then by that time I was coming out of my fog and I played him. He was so angry that I played him and said how dare I do those things to him. I could not believe my ears and I told him that if he want to eff his lover that was ok but it wasn’t going to be while he lived here. We got in a fight and the police removed him. Since then he has been trying to play me and I am no longer playing his game. However he still lives in our home and I have told him that it is too hard for him to live there because he is a constant reminder of what he did. He says I have no where to go so having compassion I have allowed him to stay in our home. He has lately been sneaking out of our house at 11:00 p.m. and returning around 1:30 have little meetings with his whore. I can no longer handle this and am beginning to become very angry and very physically abusive to him. He does nothing to me and stands there and lets me hit him. I know it isn’t right and I want to enroll in anger mgmt. classes. Please help me to live with him until our divorce. He is unemployed right now and I am on disability because I have Congestive heart failure. I have told him and he knows that excessive stress can lead me to have a heart attack but he is so heartless at this point. I want to add that I think he is acting like a teenager and is doing crystal meth. What do I do?

  • Charlonda March 31st, 2014 at 8:52 AM #87

    I’m not married, but I was with my ex for six years. He was abusive from the get go and when I say abusive, I mean mentally, verbally, emotionally, mentally, and financially. He cheated from the beginning and over the course of six years, I probably caught him cheating on me over fifteen times. Most were emotional affairs, but that hurt worse than physical. He would accuse me of sleeping with my ex so much, that I got tired and finally did. I ended up pregnant. We stayed together and raised all of our three children, but life was just miserable. He would tell me things like I was no good, I should die, he hated me, etc. Although I only cheated on him physically once myself, I did flirt with other men. I was so lonely. I was sitting in a house raising our kids while he was out at “business meetings” til one or two in the morning.So basically, after six years, he just let me know that he had been having an affair on me for the last eight months and he was leaving me and our kids to live with this other woman. So why is it he is so happy and I’m not. I just want my family back, but at the same time I don’t want him back at all, because it was toxic. I’m just so angry and hurt, and I’m trying to hold it all in, but the pain is just too much. I am emotionally drained. He left me with three kids to raise on my own, while he is enjoying his life with another woman and her son. I even told the girl that he was cheating and she doesn’t seem to care. I’ts already been a month and I can’t cope with this.

  • Lynn Somerstein March 31st, 2014 at 9:34 AM #88

    Charlonda, Clearly you’re in a lot of pain, and have been for a very long time. Your relationship was abusive and the fall out still feels abusive. Is there anywhere you might find help- a friend, a relative, a religious leader, a therapist, a group?

  • Amanda April 1st, 2014 at 10:33 AM #89

    Annie B. I am so sorry to hear everything you are going through. But you are still allowing him to play you. Your happiness is affected by his mere presence and you are trapped by your sense of loyalty to him. It’s obvious you hold your wedding vows dear because though divorce is imminent, you are still catering to him till death do you part.

    You have deep compassion for him that he is not entitled to. There’s no reason to let him remain in the home. ESPECIALLY since you suspect he may be using drugs AND you have heart issues that stress can trigger. What are you waiting on?! You can only go up from here! Simple question, who do you love more, him or yourself? Sounds selfish but you HAVE to love yourself more. If you don’t you will always get mistreated.

    He made his bed and should lie in it. Doesn’t matter if he has no where to go, he should’ve considered it before he betrayed you… wait a minute he does have somewhere to go– one of his multiple whores. You said yourself that he is out until 1:30a with his lover, so send him packing to her. As long as he lives in your home, you are still ‘responsible’ for him (wifely duties) while she gets to have all the fun with him. Let her take him off your hands and see how soon she tries to give him back… But don’t take him back.

    Also, unless you have had anger issues for some time now, I don’t think you need to enroll in anger management classes. You know he is the source of this anger, so just kick him out. Instant anger management. Besides, if you are at the point where you are BEATING him out of anger, you need to let him go for both your sakes.

    You deserve better treatment and when you realize it this will be a walk in the park for you. Don’t just say it but BELIEVE it through and through.

  • Amanda April 1st, 2014 at 10:42 AM #90

    Charlonda, learn and KNOW your self-worth. This man was no good to you but you stuck with him for years which made you even MORE bonded to him. You couldn’t have seriously believed that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with a man that told you he wanted you dead?! But you were in denial and you stood by his side anyhow. Now that the inevitable has happened (the break up), the delusion is over and reality is sinking in. You were so neglected and mistreated that you sought love outside of the relationship. That was a huge red flag that it was time to call it quits, but you ignored it.

    You are angry and hurt because you knew all of that time that you were too good for him but you settled and in the end he was the one who left you. You feel betrayed not only by him but by yourself because you ignored your intuition and put him over yourself. You feel like he is and always has been in control of the relationship and it makes you feel helpless. Empower yourself.

    He is happy because he got the best of you, got to take his anger out, and was able to have an affair on the side… and there were no consequences. In fact, his bad behavior was encouraged by your staying with him. But that is in the past. Stop thinking about how happy he is with his new woman. Nothing good can come of that. Besides, you don’t know what is happening behind closed doors and you have more important things to focus on. You are unhappy because it’s not fair that you keep getting the short end of the stick. But you CAN turn the stick around, Charlonda.

    Focus on yourself and your kids now and as far as future dating, don’t let it happen again. The next time a man is abusive ‘from the get go’ let him GO. Don’t let that ONE characteristic you like about him, make you ignore those 20 other undesirable traits. Set realistic standards and don’t be willing to settle. In time, (when you are ready) you are gonna find the man that adores you and would never put you in so much pain, because you deserve it.

    I, too, hope you can get in touch with a therapist to work through this because I can tell from your words it’s taking alot out of you. Find a source of emotional support immediately! Good luck.

  • Rosie April 8th, 2014 at 7:44 AM #91

    Hi Cathy your husband is trying which is great my husband bends over backwards as well but I think thats because they feel guilt for the pain they have caused we need to be kind to ourselves don’t beat yourself for not getting over it as quickly as you would like its a huge blow to have to cope with a patner cheating .We need to be patient with ourselves but if you want to move forward you have to try to put it behind you .I believe i will never forget what his done but I am learning to accept it in order to move on .I believe people deserve a second change but be aware there will be no more chances I am a much stronger woman than ever before but in my heart I believe he will never stay as he nows what he has to loose which I think a lot of these men don’t relies when they cheat . We who have morals do it had in life!!!but I wouldn’t change.

  • james rippl April 11th, 2014 at 2:49 PM #92

    Also she will not admit to everything about the affair time line wise or the drug use which she has been doing. It’s hard because I’ve done everything I’ve n needed to do for my boys n here she us saying I’m a bad father n trying to replace me with this guy in that manner also but she’s the one using drugs no job real lying on this 21 year old boy to take care of my children when I want them in my life but she is making that difficult like tiday I was supposed to get them but she canceled Cuz he didn’t want to use up his gas I didn’t ask her to move my kids over 100 miles away from where I don’t know where they are yet she treats me like the bad guy n everyone tells me not to get angry with her but my family is gone now n some stranger is with my children

  • lexiii g April 15th, 2014 at 7:47 AM #93

    Hello ladies I am going thru a hard time right now as well I just found my husband texting another women and they seemd to be flirting and this is not the first time he does it . I am currently expecting our second baby and its been so much pain for me because I want to leave him n forget about him he is abussive mentally ,phiscaly, and he gets like the devil wen I argue back or try to leave I dont know what to do am not happy anymore I have lot of hate and grude aginst him that ive even thought of cheating to make him feel what I once felt I think am just hurting myself by staying here.

    Lexi

  • Sharon April 20th, 2014 at 5:59 PM #94

    Charlonda
    Omg, i feel your pain!! My husband just walked out on me too after 13 years of marriage, and three kids(all under 12). But mine didnt admit he was leaving b/c of her. Mine is a coward and said he left b/c I “beat him down”. He said he ” separated”from me about three years ago but he hung in there to try to. “Work it out”! Yeah right!! Come to find out hes living w this chick who supposedly is his friend!! But this same chick sent him a topless pic and says”enjoy” and he responds”as always yum”!!!! I trusted him with my life for 13 years!! And now hes living with this woman!! Over the last 13 years, he has emotionally, and mentally abused me and hes acting as though what hes doing is normal!! I am soooo angry, i could carve his heart and hers out, but i gotta think about my kids. I am so dying to get a lawyer to get him were it hurts( his pocket). This is an. Arrogant, self righteous!! Hes trying to impress the kids by doing things with them that he never has. My 12 yr old sees it but not my two boys. I am so furious and feel totally betrayed !! Ugh!!

  • Emma May 15th, 2014 at 9:22 AM #95

    Have been married almost 10 years. First affair was 6 years ago. 2nd affair ive just found out about been going on 2 years. Have 4 children 10, 7, 5 and 1. Am absolutely heartbroken feel so numb now all the time. Trying to work through this with my husband for the sake of my children and our marriage. Really dont know if I can forgive him this time. He gave me his word hed never do it to me again and he has. Would appreciate some advice as I dont think im strong enough to break the family up or to try make it work. I have bad postnatal depression on top of all this and feel so completely unloved and lost :(

  • Ginnelle May 15th, 2014 at 9:05 PM #96

    I am actually researching for a paper and came across your email. First let me say that I think you are right to feel hurt and unloved because that is exactly what your husband is showing you with his actions. I know how it feels to feel like you can not let someone go–also-long story short I am a single mother of 5, I work full-time and I am in school full time. I dated my ex for 6 years, two of my children are his. I felt like I loved him so much!I justified what he did or said all the time. I always thought I was too in love thus weak to let him go because our relationship sucked. We had been friends for a long time before we dated as the later years went by I felt he hated me. but there I was again justifing and “waiting” for things to get better. PLEASE! That did not happen but you know what did: 1)I found out he was sexually abusing one of my older daughters (right under my nose but I did not realize it) 2) Then I called the police and reported him 3) a month after #1 I found out I was four months pregnant with child #5 (a baby he has never even met, dont get me wrong I am happy about that) 4) One day when I was walking home from work a lady approached me I recognized her from my neighborhood she had a big 8 month pregnant belly and wanted to tell me that for 5 of the 6 years we were living together he was dating her, she did not mind being second I guess.. There is more but I wont go on because #4 has to do with your situation. The point is that I thought I could never leave and I preferred to stay with him even if it was bad because I loved him…pretty dumb. Might I have left him sooner I couldve avoided my daughter unnecessary heartache. I was in love with the idea of him, of who I thought he was, of who I wanted him to be, of who he used to be. I blinded myself to who he really was. The day I called the police was the last day I ever saw him aside for three days during the court procedings for the abuse (he went to jail for almost two years) and one other time before that driving on a thruway…he actually had the nerve to blow me a kiss.That I interpreted as his way of saying f-you to me and despite the fact that he was a pediphile he was still confident on the outside if it meant hurting me or pissing me off. I just looked away and drove, sorry no negative behavior satisfaction for him from me. The point is this is not candy crush you dont have 5 lives, you have ONE which could be cut short by anything. Love yourself and leave him there is nothing to think about or wait for. Get help with your depression because that can not always be managed on your own especially with 4 children. It is your life, your future, your kids’ futures. You 5 deserve better than what he is offering. In spanish there is a saying “up ahead lives more people in concrete houses and even with ocean views” aka YOU CAN DO BETTER there are more fish in the sea! Shit being alone would be better than a cheating husband so no matter what you do it will be better for you. You have to set the example and expectations for your children, they learn so much from us and are much more aware than you know even if they are young. This is not a cycle that you want them to repeat as adults themselves. Is it easy? NO! But if I am doing it alone so can you. Honestly I look back now and if I remove the pain caused to my daughter and myself and I only think about the relationship and I kick myself so hard and regret every year I spent wasting time with that low life who did not deserve me. It is your husband who is breaking up your family and needs to make it work not you. What you need to do is throw him out file for a divorce on grounds of adultery, get alimony and child support and start fresh. It is not easy but your love for yourself and your children along with thinking of their well being will help you find strength. I wish you well!

  • Lynn Somerstein May 29th, 2014 at 4:47 PM #97

    Ginelle you write with great sense and beauty.
    Thank you.

  • Don May 30th, 2014 at 5:03 AM #98

    Have you ever thought the reason your husband is having an affair is because there is something missing in your marriage, possibly intimacy.

  • Kat June 4th, 2014 at 3:15 PM #99

    I found out about 6 weeks ago that my husband was having an affair. I confronted him and he admitted it right away. He just admitted it way to fast for me and the more I thought about it the more I knew he was not telling me the whole truth. I talked to him about it again and then he admitted that he had an OFFICE in a different city for almost two years. He had met with men and women for sex…he claims that is all, THAT NO ONE TOUCHED HIM except for the last woman that I actually caught….I’m devastated..

    Early on in our marriage he was always looking at porn and I talked to him many many times asking him to please stop that it made me feel badly….I’m a highly sexual woman and wasn’t getting any. NOW I know why…the porn led to this and even though I asked him so many times to stop he wouldn’t.
    He’s broken our vows…he’s broken everything we ever had….he’s begging me not to leave, that he only thought I didn’t want him anymore………THAT WAS TRUE…I wanted the porn to stop and it made me feel differently about him and now this ~ I think I’ll just get it over with and just die

  • lori June 11th, 2014 at 11:33 AM #100

    Just be strong for you and your kids I’m going thru this myself I’ve been married for 4 and half years and just found out myself I suspected it before but never had the proof. Honestly sometimes you have to do for your self and don’t worry about the kids or what he thinks once a cheater always a cheater especially if it happened more than one or even twice. I’m taking this consideration even within myself all our kids know is us together but if it take a divorce or even some time away from each other do it. Like I said to him love isn’t suppose to hurt like this . but hey you live and you learn from it I hoped I helped you out a little

  • tess June 20th, 2014 at 10:42 PM #101

    It’s so frustrating reading all of these stories. I am also someone who has dealt with infidelity in my marriage..several times.I found out ten years ago and I’m not over it.I wonder if we are all too forgiving. I know that I think about the betrayal most days, and he just goes along with his life happily. I am fed up with men, I think at this point I might like to be alone. If we divorced the last thing on my mind would be finding another man!

  • minnie June 22nd, 2014 at 12:59 PM #102

    I am in the process of forgiving my husband for a 14 month affair. He told this mistress all the things he told me, and at this point I feel like nothing special. It has been about 18 months since this affair, and although my husband comes home every night and doing every thing in his power to earn my trust. I honestly dont think I can do this, I am trying to hang on for my children’s sake, but I am starting to despise my husband. I keep reliving all of the details of his affair in my head. I honestly think I may file for divorce. The love I had for my husband is no longer the same.

  • Mandy July 2nd, 2014 at 12:43 AM #103

    Hi Annie B
    Your story is not unusual though said. I feel sorry for you because I know what you are going through. I’m in the same situation. I’m 46 yrs and been leaving a cheating husband for 23 yrs. He has changed girl friends I can’t even count them but I’m still living with him. He always apologise and promise to stop but he never did. We are always fighting and swearing at each other but I don’t have the guts to leave him. We’ve got five children the oldest being 23 and youngrst 7. When I decide to leave I think of my children. Sooner I have to take a step but I’m scared.

    Frm Mandy

  • Susan M July 12th, 2014 at 6:17 PM #104

    Mandy, I am in the same boat as you… And as I read these comments I realize there is no real answer. We all have to make the best decisions that work for ourselves. My 4 children range from 13-21. We have been married for 22 years (together for 24). My husband is a high powered CMO who worked hard to provide for us well. I caught him l2 years ago looking at porn constantly and going to strip clubs. He promised he would stop and for the most part he did – but that may have been because he lost his traveling employment and all of a sudden didn’t have the extra money. Well, two months ago he got a new job two hrs away and stays there during the week. Almost immediately after starting the porn, strip clubs and now an emotional affair with a girl the age of my oldest he met working in a strip club. He has told me they are “friends” and he is helping her out but I found out in the past two weeks he has paid for her place to stay and visits /texts daily. When I confront him he tells me that our marriage is horrible. I do everything for him and my kids but I admit to not pressing the sex issue because, like others say, it changes the way you view sex with your husband. I actually thought as an older couple we were doing ok but he is trying to pin the situation on me and it’s frustrating. He said he wants to get counseling but is just as willing to let it go if I want to. I read up on emotional affairs and it said to give him an ultimatum and I did. I told him if he wanted me to try counseling that he needed to break it off immediately – no calls/texts,visits or money. He said ok, but when he got off the phone he went straight to her place. He has also continued calling/texting. And he is helping her (financially) to find another place to live. I honestly think he thinks he can do what he wants until therapy actually starts! The only thing that makes me hang in there until our first appointment is that fact that I think that he may be addicted in some way. It feels so far gone its scary. I don’t know how to approach divorce with my children – and I struggle with telling my older ones what is going on but want so bad for them to grow up healthier for not knowing the worst of it. I feel like it weighs on me so much these days I can barely breath but having my kids to keep me busy is the only way to put one foot in front of the other and I’m thankful for that. Please let me know how you are coping and maybe we can offer up some sage advice as we travel through this hell. I honestly wish you the best and hope you realize that together with support like this we can be strong!

  • Donna July 14th, 2014 at 2:23 PM #105

    I honestly advise you not to stay in it for the children. I had that mentality for 21 years. My husband cheated off and on for the same amount of time until this last time 3 weeks ago I said was done with him. Right now I can’t stand looking at him and if we didn’t have so many financial responsibilities together I would have left him. I hate this feeling.

  • Donna July 14th, 2014 at 2:31 PM #106

    Omg Tessa I feel the same way. When I told jim I was done he tried to turn it around on me and state that I was not being a wife to him. For 21 years I worked a full time job raised two children. ..which I felt like I was raising alone, put myself back in college and obtained 3 degrees all while he only had to work in the post office and pretend to be an involved father. Oh but the women reaped the fruits of my labor!!!! Are these men kidding me??? I hate my husband right now!!! I hope he has to endure the the gut wrenching pain that both I and our children had and are still going through today.

  • Donna July 14th, 2014 at 3:02 PM #107

    Absolutely do not believe him, my husbands first affair was only months after our oldest daughter was born…that was 21 years, several more affairs, life long struggle for trust and 1 V. Disease later he still cheated. All in all I beat myself up everyday for not having the guts to live my life with just me and my daughters. I beat myself up that this man had unprotected sex, looked me in my face and said he was sorry and did it again, only to have our children find a used condom on our bathroom floor. I beat myself up about the fact that this man was nothing….nothing when we met and not good looking and I made him dress nice, keep up his appearance, bought him nice clothes and he stabbed me in the back because I lost me in the process. Don’t do it for your kids, you will regret it because 1 thing I know, they never stop the cheating.

  • Jasmine merritt July 22nd, 2014 at 1:55 PM #108

    U can make it im going through it now this is where the foundation gets shaky and you will have to wait and trust in the Lord Jesus with all your heart revenge is evil because God is the only one who can get true revenge do not want on revenge to come . Instead be humble even if u do not understand what happing if your husband looks prideful remember pride comes begore dedtruction stay prayerful and poor out thode beautiful heart felt tears to God he loves u

  • Jasmine merritt July 22nd, 2014 at 2:06 PM #109

    U will live and no die this is a testimony it may hurt but its like exersising when u are out of shape its very painful and U may be in pain but you are growing ask the Lord to comfort you. Have a personel relationship with Christ and walk in his Strength not your own this trial will past but your faith is being tested.

  • Allison August 4th, 2014 at 7:35 PM #110

    I can’t get over the anger and believe me, I’ve tried. I’m all for revenge. Those of you who keep telling everyone to “just let it go” and blah blah, are insane. I wonder how many of you would love to form a club to get even with these cheaters. It’s so easy to just be honest and say, I want more, I’m letting you go. THEN you are free to have sex with whomever you wish. WHY hurt someone?

  • Sonia August 5th, 2014 at 4:32 PM #111

    Minnie I can so relate to how you feel!!! I can’t say my husband is doing everything in his power but it’s sure more than he’s done since I was pregnant 6yrs ago. Before getting pregnant when I saw the red flags he always had a way of begging me to not think thoughts of cheating because he was nothing but faithful and how much he lived me and that it was all in my head and to not leave him but once I had my son that all went out the door. I know of two very long affairs and those whores knew he was married and then there were some who didn’t know. I was so close to leaving my house this past December since he refused to leave after numerous requests but I didn’t feel it was fair to have to leave my home that only I pay for and it wasn’t fair that the child I prayed everyday for for years and thru years of fertility wouldn’t get to be with me everyday but here I am 8mos later and still miserable, hurt & angry and any slight bit of deceit or old patterns sets me off. I try to tell myself I’ve been with him 15yrs so what’s 13 more until my son goes to college but I don’t know if I can last that long w/him, it’s so very hard. I just think it’s so unfair, I’ve been nothing but loyal, responsible and as of 2008 the breadwinner. I just know there is something better than this but when do I let go and reach out for it. I wish you good luck with your decisions. I totally sympathize!

  • Ang August 5th, 2014 at 8:53 PM #112

    I can’t get over my husbands affair. Every time things are improving I fall apart thinking and dwelling on the affair. I can’t let it go. I don’t know how to move past the hurt and humiliation of it all. He says it’s over that there is no one else but I don’t think he even regrets that he did. His daughter just moved in with us and it was great til the memory of the affair creeped back in my head. Now I can’t stop throwing it back in his face. I want to move past it, maybe if he showed some remorse I dunno. Heart sick and still in love.

  • Kay August 7th, 2014 at 6:08 PM #113

    I’m with you Tess! I was so much better off in so many ways before I got married except for having my child. I know me, I won’t forget until I get my husband out of my life forever but I still have my young child to think of and my poor child believes in fairytales like I once did. I thought I had met my Prince Charming but instead I allowed the devil in sheep’s clothing bring me to ruins but thankfully since I am now fully aware of whom I’m married to I am slowly but surely taking back control of my life. One lesson I finally learned was that God comes first in my life and with him I will be okay. So to all the ladies suffering please strengthen your relationship with God and put him first in your life. In my marriage I put my husband first whereas God was first in my life before my husband and the first time I found out about an affair a wise woman gave me the advice I just shared but I didn’t listen and about four years later she shared that with me again when I found out abt an on & off again affair for the past ten years and then it was like a light bulb went off and I got closer to God and put him first and in a lot of ways I am a lot better. I still don’t trust my husband, I still get angry and I still feel the hurt & pain but I just continue to have faith and trust in God that I will be alright.

  • cheryl August 11th, 2014 at 6:34 PM #114

    My husband and I were married for 17 years before he ever had an affair. It’s been m ore than 5 years now and I still have moments like I am experiencing now. My heart tells me I forgive him, but knowing that he had her I our home and some of the cruel things he said to me afterward still hits me at times out of the blue. I feel the hurt and pain all over again. Are there any suggestions. I love him, he is a man and a good dad to our 4 children. I just can’t keep it off my mind sometimes.

  • Rebecca August 12th, 2014 at 9:06 AM #115

    My husband recently had an online affair thankfully he didnt get as far as physical as they fell out as he relised what he had done and she got spiteful and sent me all their messages plus pictures of his bits including wedding ring I could forgive this but he was telling her he loved her. This all toke place while our daughter was in intensive care after years of fertility treatment he even tryed to blame her diagnosis of down syndrome and he carried it on when I was in the next room with our baby he would sit on headset talking to her then come to bed with us, he is obviously sorry as he had told her it was a mistake before I found out but I cant help feeling he betrayed us as a family. I want my marriage to work but go from wanting him to hold me and tell me all the right things to wanting to punch him in the face, everyone telling me he deserves another chance as it been a hard year byt it still hurts so much just when im having a good day I see the message saying he loves her.

  • Vivienne August 23rd, 2014 at 2:54 AM #116

    I left this on another topic before I saw this one, but I feel like my story should go here.

    My husband and I have been together for 25 years. He was my best friend and soulmate and I trusted him completely. If anyone told me that he even looked at another woman, I wouldn’t have believed them. I know that he loves me and I know that even during the affair that he loved me, so that makes it doubly hard for me to understand why he would chose to hurt me so bad.

    It has been almost a year since I discovered my husbands emotional affair and I am still trying to get passed the affair. My situation is a little unique and it’s been difficult to find any literature to read to help me get through it. My husband has always traveled a great deal for work, first with the military and then later as a military consultant. Most of our friends and coworkers have often commented on the fact that I am not a jealous wife and that I trusted him explicitly. When we met, we both felt like we were soul mates, best friends, and really the loves of each other’s lifes. All of our friends at some time have stated that we had the perfect relationship. I’m not saying that is true by a long shot, but my husband has always put me on a pedestal and treated me like a princess. Likewise, I have always considered him my hero and just a very faithful and loyal person.

    My husband met the other woman over 10 years ago–she was someone he worked with–while working out of state. I met her, I liked her, and we laughed over some of his other coworkers commenting about them being too friendly. After he worked a consulting job that she was doing for about six weeks, they went their sepeerate ways. Over the past ten years, he has kept in touch with her via telephone, unfortunately he kept that contact a secret from me. Last August, he received a text message from her and I saw it by accident. I’m not the kind of person to go through someone’s phone, but it went off and My son picked it up and stated that his dad had gotten a text. There was nothing sexual in it, but it showed up on his phone as just a number and the number was from St. Louis. We live elsewhere. He had gone running and when he returned, I showed it to him.

    I asked who it could be and he lied and pretended that he didn’t know and called the number right in front of me. Her voice mail came on and when she said her name, I asked what she could possibly want. You see, I didn’t realize that he had been contacting her. With that phone call and with his bizarre reaction to it, I decided to pull our phone records and discovered that he was having an emotional affair for over 2 years. He confessed that he was friends with her, but swears that there was never anything sexual or romantic between them–that he just enjoyed talking to her. I know that most women would be happy to hear that and I do believe him–although it was months and several counseling sessions before I believed him, but what was more devastating to me is that he had a relationship with her at all. I almost feel like I would rather it had been a one night stand. Via the phone records, I saw how often they talked and it just tears me apart that he spent so much of his time talking with someone else. He travels 75 percent of the time for work and so a lot of our time is spent talking over the phone and to see that he called me and talked to me for 15 minutes and then immediately called her and talked to her for over an hour is just heartbreaking. And that went on night after night. He insists that they were just friends, but he kept it a complete secret. The weird thing is that I am the least jealous person I know. I feel like if he had told me about her phone calls, I wouldn’t have gotten upset, but on the other hand, if I knew about them, he wouldn’t have been free to talk to her as much. I feel like he kept it a secret so that he could talk to her as much and as often as he liked and probably keeping it a secret was a little thrill for him. Through therapy he finally understands how, even though there was no sex or sexting, it was still an affair and I feel like he is truly sorry, but I’m still incredibly hurt and I really have no one to talk to about it. My friends and family think that I should be fine because it wasn’t sex and it wasn’t romantic and pretty much that is what the therapist stated. No one seems to understand that I feel like my best friend was stolen and my trust, which has always been so strong for him is all but gone.

    It has been over a year since I found out and he immediately severed all contact with her. He has been extremely attentive and I feel like he thinks that this has brought us closer, and while we have been closer and he has been more attentive, I’m still extremely hurt. Sometimes a song or something will happen to remind me of it and I cannot even breath. I have read a lot of different books on emotional affairs, but they all seem to have some sort of romantic or sexual basis. Please, if you have any advice, please offer it up.

  • Polaris Stella E. August 23rd, 2014 at 6:17 AM #117

    I am really struggling with getting over and accepting many of my past hurts and pain…I have tried counselling, self help books web sites and I thought being on my own trying to work through all the pain, hurt, loss and anger would eventually ease…I am struggling with being grateful and feel I am bitter. I can not seem to forgive and forget…its having an impact on my ability to trust men ever again.

  • Melody August 24th, 2014 at 7:36 AM #118

    Same here, married for 25 years. It was over ten years ago when I found out that he has an affair. That was around 2005. We underwent marriage encounter for so many times, I tried and pushed myself to believe that he was a renewed man as everybody in the marriage encounter community was telling me. Although deep inside is a struggle bec I felt that he was using all these people . He showed them a lot of good traits words everything. Still deep inside me was s struggle. In 2007 we left our country to migrate here. In 2009 after 2 long years of staying here I found out that he was still communicating with the girl, he even sent her to a big university to get a degree. He’s been sending her money regularly ever month. I felt that the whole building just collapsed over me.
    Again he told me that it was his lady communication with her. Another thing that really bothered me was that we barely have enough and yet he still sent her monthly lam allowance. I have 2 kids they were quiet about this although I tell them everything. To make the long story short I forgave again for the nth time.

    In 2011 we go back n forth to our country. Around 2monrhs ago I found out that he was hiding a huge amount of money, I saw the ATM CATD. When I confronted him he denied it but when I told him that I have the evidence , he admitted it. He said it’s for my kids. T told him that we have a joint account here if that is for my kids why hide it from me? Every time that his excuses are not accepted he will shout on top of his lungs cursing me etc. u kept quiet last month we went back again to our country again I found our that he bought a condominium unit. Again i asked him in a ver nice way even if deep inside me I was full of anger. Again he denied it.

    For so many months I’ve been very quiet I’m having sleepless nights and he wasn’t even bothered . I can’t leave him bec I do not have a job on my own we work on the same company, I do not have friends here. I want to get out of here n just leave but I have nobody here I’m all alone by myself . Please if there’s somebody out there who could read this please help me. Btw the last time that we argue he was cursing me again and putting the dirty finger on my face. I told him that you don’t have the right to do that to me. I then I researched I learned that I can call the police if ever he will do that again

  • chelsea September 2nd, 2014 at 7:43 AM #119

    I wish i could tell y’all that it gets better with time….but after a decade of marriage and multiple affairs, i honestly have to say that i will never get over it, and he will never admit to it.
    I have tried, i think everyone here has. But the raw truth of the matter is that you will always think of it …..and why she was so damn awesome and funny and interesting and you were not.
    But the fact is, Men want what they can’t have. Especially if it’s “shinny” it catches their eye.
    But that’s okay, you tell him that your hurt is turning into hate. And if you have to live together, welp, that will be fine, because as he has a mistress your going to find a soncho. Because YOU deserve it, every bit as much as he does, to be happy. GO AHEAD! Do your makeup and hair and GO! even if your not really looking…. he will not want another man NEAR you.
    Men are primitive cavemen. It’s all about devide and conquere…. and once they’ve conquered ….they’re bored and looking.

  • Liz September 4th, 2014 at 11:46 AM #120

    This is for Vivienne who wrote on 23 August 2014:

    Our stories are similar. Married 26 years, my husband (53) is still active duty military. Everything you wrote happened to us. My husband had a secret 4-year friendship with a 25-year-old female subordinate at work. I discovered it after finding a receipt for a gift he sent her. Our husbands’ responses and current behavior are the same.
    It’s been four years. I still feel sad and hurt at times. I feel I live with a stranger, but maybe it’s me who’s a stranger because I don’t feel like my old self. I just recently was able to tell a good friend of mine what happened. I plan to find a counselor, because this is not a healthy way to live.

    Reading your story made me sad. I hope you can find peace.

  • Eric September 6th, 2014 at 12:14 AM #121

    I’ve been married for 16 years, and while I feel intensely attracted to other women at times, I have never and absolutely will never be untrue…, not because my marriage is perfect, far from it…, but simply because I’m wholly dedicated to the Golden Rule and pure honesty. This kind of morality (or lack thereof) comes with us from childhood, and is not inspired by any lover or spouse we could ever meet. Like an addict, a cheater is always a cheater, though they may struggle successfully to stay “clean”. It’s not your fault, except that you couldn’t recognize their weakness…, as I could never have conceived that my 36 year-old wife would ever cheat, fall in love with, and leave me for one of her handsome but empty-headed college students, who told her he only wanted sex anyway. Only a few weeks later, once he’d had enough of her (or realized she wouldn’t go further without a commitment), broken-hearted she runs back to me, claiming she loves me… And, a year and a half later, in spite of her going to great lengths to prove her love, I can only believe that another hot and studly boy could take her even more easily, because she knows I’m almost out the door. The only reason I’m still here is for my 6 year old daughter, for who I’d sacrifice anything to keep in my daily life, and because of the financial devastation of a divorce. I believe that people like my wife are very sincere in the moment, and that truly believe the promises they make, right up until new opportunities become irresistible to their weak egos and low self esteem. Their sincerity in the moment is what makes it impossible to know what they are capable of under other circumstances, and we give them our trust. Almost every minute of every day I ache… The agony over the loss of my fairy tale may torture me for the rest of my life. Every other woman that shows any interest in me now makes me wonder if she might’ve been the one who would’ve followed through on our vows. Maybe someday I will find her or she will find me…, and love and fulfillment can replace this endless pain…, and as we grow old together, and the end finally comes, we will both know our love was real and true and forever.

  • ALLYSON September 6th, 2014 at 3:29 PM #122

    I thought that I was truly the only one that felt as you do! I agree! My husband sent me home from Georgia back to Texas, where I lived when we met. Using the pathetic excuse that because my lupus and multiple sclerosis was going crazy I needed to pursue medical care. We had no insurance because he is uneducated and cannot hold and job that is lucrative. He said he loved me but didn’t think he was in love with me anymore. I asked was he unfaithful and he said no but was thinking about it. He gave me his wedding band back too. He packed some clothes, said he was staying with an friend and I later found out he moved in with her the next night. I left for Texas several days later, thanks to all great friend who drove to get me. While I was waiting for 4 days to be picked up to go back, he left me with no money, car or food. I got one text from him the day he left asking only if iI had reached sosomeone to come get me. After that there was no more communication. After I got back to Texas his cousin gets in touch and informs me that he has any girlfriend. And the truth came out that he was staying with her. I find out that my illnesses went haywire because I was pregnant. He continued the Affair, talking to me nasty and hurtful anytime he did contact me. Only texts. Never phone calls. July 6 I gave birth to an extremely premature daughter. July 11 she died. I suffered severe stroke level preeclampsia as well as lupus AND ms episodes. Several times he attempted to reconcile with me but always turned on me, I later found out it was because she and her were together again. He finally came to. Texas after losing everything in Georgia. Our house, car and ALL our possessions. He now lives in an motel in an questionable part of Dallas and is an cook at Waffle House. I attempted to get over the rage, pain and devastation but cannot and WILL not! All the lies and deceit and the lack of being able to tell me any justification or reason for his act has made me change. I am not sure if I love him anymore, but I do know I will NEVER EVER FORGIVE OR FORGET! AND THE RAGE AND BETRAYAL WAS JUST TO DEEP. Not only did he abandon and betray and lie to me, but his dead child, whom he never even saw. I thought we were bonded and best friends as well as devoted husband and wife. Guess not. As of today, September 6, I have not returned any texts or answered his phone calls. I will not have any communication with him anymore. I had been seeing him in an attempt for us to work it out, but I just today realized there is nothing left for me to try to work out. Iam ccompletely finished. I really now care nothing of whatever happens to him. Good or bad is immaterial. I just don’t care.

  • ALLYSON September 6th, 2014 at 5:19 PM #123

    Why is it that wonderful, moral men with standards like yourself are no longer available? I to am like you and when I commited to my marriage I meant the promise and words that I stated. I have had the same devastation. We are all huge minority. I am sorry sorry for your despair, I know the feeling and annihilation!

  • Missy September 12th, 2014 at 11:37 AM #124

    I have been with my husband for just over 12 years. We finally got married November 2012. We had our wedding reception in the summer if 2013. In January we needed a babysitter- so my husbands best. Friend recommended his sister, whom my husband had known since they were kids. This woman is married and has a kid of her own, us the woman honestly is not that attractive- small frame but total butterface (if you know what I mean!!) the first 6 months of 2013 was the worst year of my life. My mother, who was my closest and bestest friend on this planet got cancer and had passed away within 3 months of diagnosis. My eldest son, who was 7 at the time had a break down- he had to be hospitalized for 7 weeks. During these times- I worked full time- plus after work or leaving early because of emergencies I was in and out of the hospital. My glorious husband, whom before January we got along wonderfully!! We had become great friends and even better lovers. January hit he started acting depressed because if his business was not doing good. I tried to be there but he told me to back off, reluctantly I did- trying to give him space- I’ve never seen this before from him. I handled my mothers sickness and our sons hospitalization ALL by MYSELF! I went to both hospitals alone- he would only go if he had to sign papers. By April, I started to become frustrated. Sexually, emotionally- everything! I knew the sitters marriage was in the rocks because she always talked bad of him. I started noticing little things from her NEVER my husband. When I came home from work@ 5:30 my husband would be there (weird- being a landscaper – he normally does not get home till 7-8:00). They would be playing outside with the kids. She would stay until 7-8 herself and them finally go home. We have an above ground pool and I came home one day- everyone was in the pool, so I went I side to change- I went into the bathroom and her black thongs are on my bathroom floor. I thought- that’s trashy to do at someone else’s house. Another time I came home and she was cleaning my bedroom sheets. I told her she was neVER to be in my bedroom- let alone ever touch my sheets! I started to realize what was going on, but they both denied it. My husband wouldn’t make love to me- maybe 1-2 times a month. I would be crying with grief because if my mom and oldest son and she would be literally skipping around my house in a short skirt humming! My husband would scream at me, chase me around the house, break anything that was mine if I ever asked him if he was having an affair. I begged him to fire her, but he wouldn’t- we needed a sitter and couldn’t afford anyone else. Finally in August I was putting my youngest into preschool- I was finally able to tell her she was done here! Two days before her last day I got a nice little phone call from the sitters husband saying he found hundreds of texts messages between her and my husband. She said they were in love with each other!! My husband came home and finally (after I finally had the physical proof) admitted to it. He said he did not love her and he always lived me. He said he was f’d up because if the issues with his work and he wasn’t himself. I’ve been trying so hard to believe him. I’ve found more evidence of my husband “attempted affairs” I found a handful of Facebook messages to random exdruggie looking types of girls. He was telling them how much he wanted them and how hard he was for them. This was dated the one night I went out without him- because my buffs were throwing me a bachelorette party…I found 1 year before our marriage when he traveled across the country he was posting ads to craigslist- soliciting for discrete sex- he was replying to other women on Craigslist. He denies that he ever had sex with anyone other then the sitter, but I don’t believe him. I think he has had multiple affairs- I just can’t prove it! I wish I never found the emails or the FB messages. I’m still with him and I’m trying to forgive him and believe that he is not cheating any more…but I don’t believe him, but what if I’m just being paranoid? We make love regularly- he says sweet things to me…but then again he was doing the same even when he went I to Facebook and Craigslist. I just want to get over it and grow old with him. If not I need to prove he is still a dirtbag! Amy suggestions on how to catch him? He’s clever! He doesn’t keep any text msgs- he gave me is sprint password so I can check his call log, but that doesn’t really help. Maybe I don’t know his new girls #…can’t track text messages, so if he deleted them them I can’t see them. I still work full time, so he has everyday during the dAy to bring other people over. I bought a spy camera (mini camera that looks like a pen). It doesn’t have a long enough memory to record all day, I’ve done as much as I could a few times and haven’t found anything!! I feel like if there was some way to know for sure – either way it doesn’t matter. I just need to move on- either with him or without him, it doesn’t. I’m 35 years old and I want to find someone who loves me–truly loves me! I just don’t think there is anyway my husband could possibly love me the way I love him- he looked me in the eye everyday and swore to me he was faithful- he turned t around and made me look crazy- made me believe I was crazy!! We have tried counseling, but we quit cause my husband became busy at work. Please help me with advice/suggestions. It’s not so easy just to leave my house with a 9 and a 4 year old!! My decision must be the right one!! Someone please help- I’m so angry and sad at all times and I don’t know what to do!!!!

  • angel September 14th, 2014 at 3:27 AM #125

    I just found out my husband slept with his ex and there is a baby involve and he want to work thing out ten years and he has a baby with her I’m lost and don’t know what to do anyone have advice

  • Dr. Lynn Somerstein September 14th, 2014 at 10:30 AM #126

    Dear Angel,
    Consulting a marriage counselor with your husband might be very helpful.
    Please take good care,
    Lynn

  • Jill September 14th, 2014 at 9:04 PM #127

    I feel exactly the same way. You took my thoughts out of my head. It is the worst pain one could ever feel.

  • Taylor September 17th, 2014 at 9:52 AM #128

    My husband and I have been together for over 15 years. We have 3 beautiful children. I just recently found out that he had been cheating with this woman for over 4 years!!!!!! Im devastated!!!!
    He keeps telling me that he wont leave me and he loves our family and kids but he cant leave her either because these are long term relationships and he has feelings for this woman and that I have to accept that. I haven’t stopped crying since i found it out until now.
    Please help what should I do??? I am complitely lost!!!

  • Suzanne September 17th, 2014 at 1:26 PM #129

    @Taylor- Ask a close friend or family member to loan you money to hire a private investigator so that you can get evidence of his cheating for court. You don’t want him knowing you’re doing it. Use this to file for divorce with him at fault. You do NOT need to accept his cheating.

  • crazywoman September 22nd, 2014 at 4:05 AM #130

    hi im feeling exactly the same. i just wish all that betrayal was just a dream. but this is the reality. we got to be strong. keep holding to your marriage.

  • Stacey September 22nd, 2014 at 10:13 AM #131

    My husband of 30 years is also having an affair with a coworker. He’s been on the prowl for some time and this one took the bait. She’s just divorced and obviously desperate to pursue a fat married man. She is not much younger than me. I have mild Parkinsons so maybe my husband is fed up and is looking to leave. Since he is in sales he can meet and have sex with her anytime after 2 when she gets off work and on weekends. He is at work (with her) more than at home with me. This has been going on 3 months. When will it stop? Is this a mid-life crisis? He is involved with church and he makes everyone think he is a happily martied family man. What a hyprocrite! It appears he is addicted to this woman It’s humiliating, disgusting and disrespectful to me and our children.

  • Anne September 22nd, 2014 at 5:58 PM #132

    I’ve been married to my husband for 7 years (second marriage). I have 3 teen children who live with us, he has never made much of a bond with my kids. He has very poor communication skills.
    I found out 3 months ago that my husband has been unfaithful for over a year. I knew he had been into porn. I read his phone and found several texts to prostitutes, asking for prices ect. At first he said he was “only looking into it”, then just days later he admitted he had sex with only one. He said it was more the thrill of the chase and he didn’t even enjoy the ‘escort visit’. I realize that he has an addiction to the Internet with porn, contacting escorts, sexting ect. I asked him a hundred times to tell me anything and everything else that happened, he promised nothing had. After checking his phone records I found out that he had been texting a woman who lives just down the road for several months. When I confronted him he admitted that they had been sexting. He said they met and he had every intention of having sex with her but changed his mind. His phone records confirm that he stopped contacting her when he said he did.
    He promised he would change and I believe that truly wants to. He has changed phones and phone plans and has no access to the Internet other than the library (unless he has secretly gotten another phone). I do believe he is now trying to prove his love to me. My issue is the past, it’s what he has already done and the continuos lies. He has only ever admitted to something when he was caught, he never came to me and confessed any of these. We have been to a therapist, both together and seperatly and it has somewhat helped.
    I keep asking him questions and looking for more details trying to find out if there is more he hasn’t confessed. He is getting frustrated with my questions. I am absolutely broken from his betrayal and especially the lies and deceit. So far I can’t seem to let go of these thoughts in my head, I am constantly wondering if he’s hiding more from me but really I am hoping that he’s not. I hope that everything is out, it would be nice to mend and be able to move on but I really don’t know how or if he is finally being truthful.

  • Lynn Somerstein September 28th, 2014 at 6:43 PM #133

    Hi Anne,
    You are on a hard road for sure, and feel betrayed, but I see from your letter that therapy, individual and marital, has helped, and I hope the therapy continues.
    I wonder that you keep asking him questions, maybe too much? I think that is something you might deal with in therapy.

  • ann September 29th, 2014 at 6:31 AM #134

    I found out 1 week ago that my husband has been sending pics of his private parts to an online site to get pics in return to master bate to. He has been indulging in porn and other private activities for a while and I am so depressed that I am now having suicidal thoughts. This is not the first time he has done this to me, in fact I see it as a repeated pattern. He says he felt that this was the best way to give him relief without actually cheating, but to me it is the same as if he did! I am so hurt, ashamed, embarrassed, and have no one to talk wi

  • ann September 29th, 2014 at 6:35 AM #135

    I found out 1 week ago that my husband has been sending pics of his private parts to an online site to get pics in return to master bate to. He has been indulging in porn and other private activities for a while and I am so depressed that I am now having suicidal thoughts. This is not the first time he has done this to me, in fact I see it as a repeated pattern. He says he felt that this was the best way to give him relief without actually cheating, but to me it is the same as if he did! I am so hurt, ashamed, embarrassed, and have no one to talk with other than him and that doesn’t help me at all! I feel that I can’t ever trust him bc he has done this in the past so many times that I feel now he knows how to get away with it and how to cover his tracks. I don’t want to destroy him or us, but in doing so I feel I am destroying me. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

  • GoodTherapyAdmin GoodTherapyAdmin September 29th, 2014 at 9:06 AM #136

    Thank you for your comment, Ann. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Lynn Somerstein September 29th, 2014 at 11:57 AM #137

    Dear Ann,
    I am so sorry to hear about all this, and glad that GoodTherapy has sent you recommendations to pursue that will help you. I strongly suggest that you find a therapist to work with as soon as possible, someone supportive and empathic.

    As you probably know, your husband’s behavior reflects illness that needs treatment and is not something either you or he can control on your own.

    I hold you both in my heart. Please stay in touch.

    Take care,
    Lynn

  • sebhai September 30th, 2014 at 9:55 AM #138

    “Affairs are what you get when you marry the good looking successful guy with the big bucks. Women have no interest in a nice guy who treats them well. They want the big house, The fancy car. The exotic vacations and in the end they get what they deserve. No sympathy here.”

    I know this post is old,but are you telling that ugly and poor men never cheat?

    If you believe so,the I suggest you find yourself an ugly woman who couldn’t attract rich good looking men,and the try to learn some empathy.
    DUMBASS.

  • me October 3rd, 2014 at 4:19 AM #139

    Really? This is the most pathetic response i’ve seen!
    I was the successful one in my marriage. My husband hated work and would only go when he ‘felt like it’. I worked full time our entire marriage and he stayed at home. I even let him go to his sport 5 days a week. We had two kids. I am highly successful and earn all the money for the family. He cheated.
    This post is just plain stupid and ignorant on your part.

  • Vicki October 3rd, 2014 at 4:29 PM #140

    I’ve been married 32 years. My husband has always worked out of state or country. I found out a year ago he had been living with another woman for 2 years in another state. During this time all his money went to our joint account and he came home on days off. I called his phone one day and the woman’s granddaughter answered then she got on the phone. My husband came home and went to work closer to home. A year later he was back in that state working and was hooked up with the woman again.He had a secret phone and was talking with this woman the entire year he said we were working it out. I drove to the other state and met the woman and we surprised my husband at the club. I hadnt been to a club in 30 years. My husband continued talking or more with her until I told him I was done and was looking for another man. My husband came home but I’m still mad and have no trust. I don’t think ill ever get over it. I lost 40 pounds and work out daily, colored my hair blonde so he’s worried now ill leave him. Only time will tell.

  • R October 7th, 2014 at 7:02 AM #141

    I just found out a week ago my husband of nearly 21 years has been having an affair with his secretary and secretly married her and had a kid, on top of that he’s been flirting and leading other women on. I felt like killing myself I’ve got four boys three of which are teens and have been loyal to him all this time as I have. I’ve looked after him and his family especially his terminally I’ll mother who passed away a few years ago. I trusted him and believed he was the most faithful man around, now my entire world has shattered and I don’t know what to do.

  • GoodTherapyAdmin GoodTherapyAdmin October 7th, 2014 at 9:54 AM #142

    Thank you for your comment, R. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Additionally, if you would like to consult with mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage, http://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area. If you’re looking for a counselor that practices a specific type of therapy, or who deals with specific concerns, you can make an advanced search by clicking here: http://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html

    Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Lynn Somerstein October 8th, 2014 at 4:15 PM #143

    Dear R-
    Your trust and love and devotion have been abused and of course you’re shocked and dismayed. I think you should consult the resources that the GoodTherapy Team has provided you, and I wish you my heart felt sympathy.
    Take care and keep in touch,
    Lynn

  • nanny October 10th, 2014 at 6:33 PM #144

    I been married for 25 years and yes it haven’t been perfect.my husband had affair with someone that was in our wedding I forgave him but he kept on doing it so when I did it he felt like I committed murder how can I get over him.we been together every since we was 14…he don’t want me with no one and likewise

  • Kimberly October 19th, 2014 at 8:48 PM #145

    Eric..

    My situation is similar..you really nailed it with what you said about the in the moment sincerity. I feel the same way you do….

  • meera October 21st, 2014 at 2:31 PM #146

    Hi I just found out a week back that my fiance slept with my friend. A month back I got a call from my friend whom I just met few months before she is from France that she is looking for a room to stay just for a month and insisted me if she can stay with us. Note that she is v average looking girl. So I accepted her request and she moved in with us. I had to go to India to attend my brothers wedding so I went there for 10 days leaving her and my fiance behind. Note that my fiance is a very reserve type of a man and doesn’t talk much. So when I came back I asked him if he spoke to her and he denied later I found out that the girl is walking barely half naked in our house in his absence… she can’t sleep when we are inside the room. After 2 days she started telling me that all guys are a-holes and I should keep my eyes open. When she left she told me that one day they both got drunk together and had sex. Also she told me that my fiance wanted more sex the next day when he was in his senses. Which makes me so mad. After two months we are getting married I dunno Wat to do. He accepted that he only kissed her on her lips but didn’t have sex. Which I do not accept I tried leaving him but all the time he said sorry and brought me back home. Please advice Wat should I do. Note that we are getting married after 5 years of relationship I left my family for him. I can’t sleep can’t eat I beaten hin so much the day I found out.please help

  • Angela October 21st, 2014 at 8:42 PM #147

    Hello I say leave him he will only cause u more heartache it happened to me

  • izzy October 22nd, 2014 at 9:08 AM #148

    i have been w. the same man for the past nine years we have two beautiful children and i just cant get over the fact that he cheated on me it honts me everyday i am remineded somehow life foe instence i went to go look for something in his old truck that is not running and found some other womens babies pull up under the seat i know my sobs pull ups it wasnt his… im trying to work at getting over this hurt but dont know how please help i married him a year ago and nothing has gone on since. but still cant get over it HELP ME SAVE MY MARRIAGE

  • Kimberly H. October 22nd, 2014 at 9:47 PM #149

    I’m 48 years old and recently divorced from a 23 year marriage. Two daughters which are grown. My life turned up side down in April when I learned of his communication with many other women online doing the sexting and chats then learned of two physical affairs with co-workers. The first being when our youngest daughter was 14 years old. At first the girls was devastated and angry with there father. Now 7 months after the divorce the girls seem to think dad is just grand. He went and got tattoos and is supportive of the girls getting them if they want. He is Mister super cool dad now and gives them money and gifts. My problem is my anger and it only seems to get worse as time goes on. I was a faithful wife for 23 years so it has just been devastating. All I feel for him is hate and anger. I wish someone would beat his eyes shut. I don’t want him to be happy, I don’t want our children to love and support him. Just to be honest I wish he would die. I even prayed for it several times and still do. He was always the bread winner so he has made my financial situation in serious trouble. I work two jobs but never made the money that he did. I wish he would lose his job. seriously I just want to see him hurt in some way but he don’t….. He has all the toys new RV, boat , new truck, new younger girlfriend. still has a great job. His choices destroyed my life and my family but he has no remorse or regret for his actions at all. I did get 50 thousand from his 401 k which I would gladly give someone to go kill the jerk. signed, Angry X

  • Kimberly H. October 22nd, 2014 at 9:56 PM #150

    I just hope God allows me to watch as he rots in hell.

  • Promise October 24th, 2014 at 9:33 PM #151

    hi Kimberly

    Revenge is not for you but let God deal with his creature, God will never fail but us people we often fail & get depression. I trust God with all of my life I know & understand what you’re going through, I’ve been there I know its hurting too much. I felt like my heart has been stabbed. Let God fight for you, just tell God what you want & feel.
    Wishing you all the best in life. God bless you.

  • CR October 27th, 2014 at 1:37 AM #152

    I always had a guy feeling my ex husband was cheating on me. Long story short he left me for my oldest daughter’s best friend’s mother. She was married everything. When I found out about this affair I kicked him out of the house. He had this planned very well that when we bought the “family home” he had me signed over worship to him. It’s has been over two years and I can’t help but feel anger and wishing he was dead for what he put and is putting my daughters and me thru. I just always stay in the what if I had worked on my marriage harder and what did I so wrong. What done is done and I can’t change It. I would just like some advice on how to continue to move on.
    I should also mention that since I was married to him for over 10 yrs I was awarded alimony and also get child support. Every time he gets a change he just tells me that my Mom (who passed away last year) would be proud to know that she raised a free loader of a daughter. He knows how to bring me down by saying this type of things. I try to ignore him, but sometimes it’s hard.

  • Michele Havener November 10th, 2014 at 12:39 PM #153

    Dear Kimberly I feel your pain I’ve been married for 22 years & he has been cheating on me the whole time we have 2 boys 18 & 21 so I just caught him with a hooker in our truck in our driveway & she was completely naked the bad part was my 18 year old saw this as well 10 years ago we renewed our vows and I thought this would fix things WRONG! Here’s the deal I have learned they want their cake & eat it too because unfortunately it will not end it’s up to you if u want to put up with it or not Good luck & best wishes

  • Tonia November 11th, 2014 at 12:30 AM #154

    Its been seven months since I found out my husband of six years was having an affair with someone he’d only known for just under a month.I thought I’d gotten over it.The woman left the country about four months ago and he swore they’d broken things off. What hurts me is he claims he’s now clean but he still keeps a password on his phone. I worry day and night that they are still in contact. He refused to remove it saying I shouldn’t dictate how he runs his life. I’ve been trying to keep the peace for the sake of our two small children but I can’t continue to live with the secrecy. Before the affair we were completely open with each other. That password reminds me of all the pain,deception and embarrassment I went through because of the affair. Like most women I was the last to know. My friends , neighbours all knew and his brother was in on it and even lied to the girl that we’d divorced years back just to cover my husbands back. I just don’t know if I can completely forget. I want this marriage to work but can’t help but wonder if he wants the same. What should I do?

  • Mrs. B November 11th, 2014 at 8:17 PM #155

    My husband has never cheated on me physically that I know of but he has tried to hook up with two other women. The first woman turned him down and I forgave him pretty easily. Even though I told him not to contact her again…he did…I still forgave him easily. Then about two months after we got married I found him trying to hook up with his former co-worker. Then he confessed to having cyber sex with her in the past! I don’t even know why he married me. I still can’t get over it even though there was no physical contact and it happened almost 2 years ago. Anyhow how do I know that there was no physical contact…his co-worker lives right down the street. I work a different shift so who knows what hes doing. Makes me cry every time I think about it or anytime I hear someone talk about cheating.

  • Shonna November 18th, 2014 at 5:40 PM #156

    Sorry to say this leave him now…have you read the above how woman are angry and can’t forget their husbands affairs. It will be the same with you. It will eat you away and make you a horrible person. Don’t get married to him. And use this a lesson in life don’t let strange girls in your home to stay even if it’s your sister. Etc. there’s limits boundaries. I have had a very hard time now…three kids and 14years marriage wish I didn’t take home back. Sacrificed a lot for my husband like all women. But also very angry with myself. Tbh I am always angry depressed. My life seems over. And can’t turn back time. If I could I would of never taken him back. Imagine this you have kids and when they’re older you will feel like this too why you didn’t leave earlier. Sorry if I up set anyone. Don’t loose your self for this man.

  • JD December 9th, 2014 at 4:59 PM #157

    Hi Everyone,

    I was caught having an in appropriate conversation last week on email with an escort. I am very ashamed to say the least. Nothing happened between the person and me. This was proven. I didn’t not even get sexual on an email or text. My wife is destroyed to say the least being that I even had the thought of it. I realized at the time what I was doing and put and end to conversation. Nothing happened. My wife of course is still furious and hurt as she should be. I love my wife with all my heart. I know what I did was wrong and I had so many realizations about myself talking this through with my wife. I know that I am going to get chastised on here but as someone who is sorry and remorseful how can I go about helping my wife heal and starting to repair my marriage? We’ve spoken about counseling so far.

  • Cathy M December 10th, 2014 at 4:33 AM #158

    :( I’ve been really so sad since my hubby’s affair. It was about 1.5 years now. I know how sorry he is, I know how much he loves me. He calls me all the time just to see if I’m ok. He made the the biggest and worst mistake of his life, and he knows that big time. I have been trying so hard to forgive him, but I hate him for what he did. He tells me that it was nothing to do with me that he had an affair, but he doesn’t know why he did it. He blames it on drink, but it went on for 7 mths. We have 5 kids the youngest 6, married 23 years. I don’t know life without him. Sometimes I tell myself, even though I really love him, if I had the money, I would leave. He shouldn’t get away with hurting me like this. I know he would be devastated if I did. I’m so so sad. For the kids for me, and a little for him. But I can’t get past this pain and hurt. Some one help. I’m beginning to wish I would just die x

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team The GoodTherapy.org Team December 10th, 2014 at 11:22 AM #159

    Thank you for your comment, Cathy. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • I Jackson December 10th, 2014 at 11:09 PM #160

    I am going through a divorce right now, but wonder if it can be “avoided” if I can convince or court order my husband to go through a sort of therapy (sex-? & couple therapy). Here’s my “situation”:
    My husband is very jealous even though he wants to appear as if he doesn’t care what I do. We are only married for 2 years, but “together”/in an on & off relationship for about 13 years with two sons (10 & 7 years). I see a pattern on his side that he starts accusing me of cheating and starts drifting off. But I found out that HE seems to just need a reason/an excuse for himself to cheat. I found out a lot when looking through messages and mails that he sent both from his phone and our computer -I know snooping is not a solution and feel bad for that, but I was hoping to find answers as to his “drifting off”- behavior.
    – needless to say I never cheated on him since/while we’ve been together.
    I believe the real problem is his “the grass is always greener on the other side”-mentality, where he realises that he’s not a family man and misses the freedom of being single (once in a relationship for a little while), but then also realises he loves & misses me and our children and wants to have it back, but feels congested/annoyed by the family once he does have us back…
    I think he is sex addicted, we have good & plenty but it slowly eases off once we’ve been back together for a few months again.
    How can I get him to understand the real problem & agree into fixing it?

  • Lynn Somerstein December 11th, 2014 at 1:40 PM #161

    Dear I Jackson,
    Your situation is frightful, and I hope that your husband decides to go for family therapy with you or individual treatment for himself, but the decision is his. You can ask him to see a therapist, but you can’t make him do so.
    Good luck, take care,
    Lynn

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