Stress is an ongoing problem for many people in our fast-paced society. We have forgotten how to stop and smell the roses, and instead spend our days rushing to and from work, school, the store, or going to any number of other activities. We tend to be plugged into our iPhones, iPads, and computers for the majority of the day and struggle with unwinding and slowing down for a sufficient period of time to feel refreshed and relaxed.

One of the locations where we may experience significant stress is the workplace, where we are often expected to keep up with high demands, frequent interruptions, and multitasking. Over time, this level of pressure can take its toll on both our physical and psychological health and well-being.

As a therapist, one of the questions I am asked most frequently is how to deal more effectively with stress on the job. Some people may have a self-care routine at home, but they often have more difficulties with maintaining one at work. The following are strategies that can be used to help in reducing stress levels on the job:

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1. Avoid eating lunch at your desk. Whenever possible, try to leave your work environment in order to take a break for lunch. Going for a brief walk and getting a little sunshine and fresh air can do wonders for refreshing your spirit in the middle of the workday. If this is not possible, at least try to eat lunch somewhere other than at your desk in order to avoid continuing to work at the same time.
2. Take a five-minute relaxation break once or twice a day. If you are feeling particularly stressed over a specific situation at work, take a break and listen to a short meditation or relaxation app that can be downloaded onto your phone. This can help you to gain a different perspective or to at least come back and approach your workload from a fresher frame of mind.
3. Get organized. Prioritize your workload to get things done in order of their importance. Becoming more efficient with your time will help to reduce your stress levels, as you may feel that you are accomplishing more. If you tend to struggle in this area, you might want to consider enrolling in a time management class, where you can learn more effective ways of organizing your tasks.
4. Get up and stretch. If you spend a lot of time working on the computer, try to get up once in a while to stretch your muscles. This can also be helpful in alleviating the eyestrain associated with looking at the screen for long periods at a time.
5. Discuss problems regarding your workload with your boss. Many people tell me that they feel overworked, but they frequently don’t express their concerns with their supervisor, which tends to make them feel worse. By talking to your boss about any issues that are coming up, you may be able to get some help resolving them. If this does not solve the problem, then you can reevaluate the situation and possibly consider looking for another job.
6. Take a few deep breaths. If you have had a stressful interaction with a client, colleague, or supervisor, try breathing deeply for a few minutes and focusing in on any tension you are feeling in your body. By taking a few moments to breathe, you can take your concentration off the stressful situation and center yourself prior to moving on to your next task.
7. Look at problems as challenges rather than obstacles. We can sometimes find creative solutions when we approach issues with an open mind and positive attitude rather than just considering the negative side. Also, think of what you might be able to learn from the situation instead of focusing on what you can’t do.

Although you can help to relieve tension on the job by following some of the techniques above, developing a good self-care regimen before and after work is an important part of reducing your overall stress levels. Start your day by meditating when you wake up to begin on a peaceful note, and try to incorporate some exercise into your routine at least several times a week. Also, make sure you are getting enough sleep in order to feel refreshed before facing your day.

Stress can have devastating effects on our health if we don’t take some time out to care for ourselves on a daily basis. Dedicating a little time every day to nourish our bodies, minds, and spirits can be an effective way to reduce our stress levels and improve our well-being.

Wow, that’s a really tough issue to face. I’m glad you wrote, and I hope I can help you out some.

My first question is how do these colleagues know about the hiring process? Many companies encourage a strict confidentiality for human resources to avoid this very issue, and I am concerned that this information seems to be readily available and that it was shared openly.

Second, with regard to your question of being hired on your merit and the frustration you’re feeling, it’s important to remember that affirmative action was put into place because, historically, minorities have a harder time being employed. Studies have shown that résumés with minority names get 50% fewer callbacks for interviews than white-sounding names. Some people call this “everyday racism,” and it is one of the ways racism becomes systematic. You mentioned that there is a company mandate to diversify, and it sounds like the company sorely needs it and your hire may be one of the ways they are attempting to rectify it.

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It could also be that you were the strongest candidate and the information you received is faulty. I question why your colleagues would feel it necessary to share this information with you and what they hoped to gain by doing so.

I also wonder whether this experience has activated some part of you, a part you’re not necessarily conscious of, that harbors feelings of inadequacy. Most people don’t get through life without taking on some of that in childhood, through no fault of their own. It’s important to recognize feelings that might be triggering and to remind yourself of your own value, even in the face of signs and experiences that may seem devaluing. You know you’re worthy of this position; as you said, you’re smart, resourceful, and a hard worker. If your employer didn’t know that before you were hired, it surely does by now.

As far as whether you should go to Human Resources, that is a deeply personal decision. Do you think you can work at this company with this awareness and the accompanying questions? Will you be able to live with the answer if they acknowledge that they hired you based on your status as a minority? Are you comfortable working in an environment where deeply personal and private conversations such as why a person was hired over another are made common knowledge?

Unfortunately, this is a situation many minorities still have to deal with and there’s still a long way to go in terms of eliminating racism.

It seems to me that this great opportunity has been tainted for you, and understandably so. It may be worthwhile to have a conversation with HR to express your concerns. At the very least, they may make some changes in how information is protected. As you noted, you may be seen as “rocking the boat” if you do that and some people might not like it. It may make for a challenging work environment, but you have to weigh whether the benefit of speaking up is more than the possible cost.

Unfortunately, this is a situation many minorities still have to deal with and there’s still a long way to go in terms of eliminating racism. There are many who have the same questions you do and who feel they have to work harder or perform better to prove they deserve what they have gotten. It’s not an easy situation to be in, so I encourage you to call upon your support system to help you process this situation and your feelings about it. It might also be worthwhile to seek out a therapist who can help you further process what you’re feeling.

I encourage you to take care of yourself while you decide what to do—rest well, spend time with loved ones, and do what makes you feel good. After you’ve allowed yourself to process and release some of the emotional charge, if you decide to go to HR, you will be grounded, confident, and responsive, and less likely to be offended or reactive.

Wishing you well and hoping for the best,
Lisa

Whenever a problem develops where no problem existed before, my first question is always: what is different now? You mention that you previously gave lectures to 150 people as a teacher’s assistant without the anxiety (or, perhaps more to the point, performance anxiety) you are currently dealing with in your professional life. What feels different to you about the two experiences? I wonder if the stakes seem higher now, the content more complex, or the audience more inquisitive or demanding. It seems reasonable that any of these possibilities, or something else along these lines, could create and/or intensify anxiety around public speaking.

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If you can figure out what has developed to cause the problem, perhaps you can figure out some strategies for addressing it. For example, if upon reflecting on the differences between your experience as a TA and as a professional you discover that the content is more complex and the audience more inquisitive, it might be helpful to take some trainings or courses to deepen your knowledge of the content area. This might increase your confidence in your ability to answer questions as they come up. Maybe reflection will lead you to discover that your anxiety is less about content and more about style. Perhaps you have realized that the level of polish expected of professionals, as opposed to student TAs, is quite different and you don’t feel like you measure up. If this is the case, participating in a group like Toastmasters might be helpful in mastering and developing confidence in your public speaking skills.

Sometimes, unexplained anxiety that seems to come up out of the blue can be a way of getting your attention and forcing you to address dissatisfaction with an area of your life that you are not fully aware of.

You also raise the possibility that there is a medical problem that has developed and is to blame for this. The only way to rule that out for sure is to schedule an appointment with your doctor for an exam and discussion about this, and I recommend that you do that sooner rather than later. I am not a doctor, so as much as I hear your desire for explanations, it would not be appropriate for me to speculate as to potential medical issues you might be experiencing.

It is also possible that the problem is neither medical nor a reflection of simple insecurities about speaking in public. How do you feel about your career and where you are professionally? Sometimes, unexplained anxiety that seems to come up out of the blue can be a way of getting your attention and forcing you to address dissatisfaction with an area of your life that you are not fully aware of. If the above recommendations don’t yield any solutions and you land on a vague dissatisfaction with your career, what might be helpful is partnering with a career counselor to explore where you are, where you want to be, and developing a realistic plan for how to get there.

Best wishes,

Sarah

Asking for a raise can be a daunting endeavor. Many employees refrain from inquiring about the possibility of increased compensation, even if they feel it is merited. According to U.S. News and World Report, up to 60% of workers will never ask for a raise. Of those, 47% expressed feeling uncomfortable asking or feared it would come across as pushy.

For their part, with the economy in its rebounding-but-not-quite-rebounded state, many employers are neglecting yearly salary increases that might have been standard in the past. If you’ve been working hard and haven’t seen an increase in earnings, it might serve you well to face your fear and ask for the raise you know you deserve.

Here, we offer seven pieces of advice to consider before asking for a raise:

1. Know Your Value

Before you even consider asking for a raise, you’ll need to research the market and determine your value. Find out what the average salary is for a person in your field with your experience. If you don’t know what your work is worth, then you won’t know what kind of raise to expect.

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You can use websites such as Salary.com to determine average salary rates or try Glassdoor.com, a website where employees post their earnings as well as anonymous company reviews.

Be resourceful. Check with recruiters. Research job advertisements. Do some networking and ask trusted others in your field about their salaries, if they’re willing to share.

2. Present Solid Evidence

When you approach your boss, you’ll want to come prepared and be ready to present evidence in your favor. It can be helpful to keep a written list to ensure that you don’t forget anything important. Think of asking for a raise as you would closing a sale. You need to be persuasive and convince your boss that your desired raise is warranted.

If you keep a list, include any major accomplishments you have made in the past year at your job, any additional duties you have taken on, and point out any other “gold stars” you may have earned at work recently. If you have quantifiable statistics, be sure to present those. As they say, the numbers don’t lie.

3. Timing Is Everything

Many people assume that the best time to ask for a raise is during their annual review, but some experts recommend asking a few months ahead of time. In many cases, your manager has already determined the budget and negotiated any salary raise long before he or she meets with you for your review. To make sure your annual raise has been factored into that budget, consider bringing it up a few months in advance rather than waiting for the review itself.

This should go without saying, but be considerate of the time and place when asking for a raise. It is best to wait until you have one-on-one time with your boss rather than bringing it up in the middle of a team meeting.

4. Be Confident

Present your case for a raise confidently and unemotionally. Be prepared to showcase your accomplishments to your supervisor in an assertive manner. Be straightforward.

Remember to think of it as if you were selling something—in this case yourself. Would you want to buy something from a salesperson who is unsure about his or her product?

You want to be assertive and confident when you ask for a salary increase, but don’t come across as aggressive.

5. Ask Mindfully

You want to be assertive and confident when you ask for a salary increase, but don’t come across as aggressive. It’s important to be mindful of your tone and choice of words when you ask for a raise. In most cases, this is a negotiation. Try your best to control your emotions and stay calm, cool, and collected.

In addition to being mindful of how you ask, it is important to be mindful of your employer’s ability to grant you a raise. If your employer is experiencing a decrease in sales or just went through a round of layoffs, it might not be the best time to ask for a raise.

6. Avoid Ultimatums and Guilt Trips

Practice a little extra consideration if you choose to bring up loyalty. While it may be tempting to do this, you’ll want to be careful. Don’t go straight for an ultimatum and threaten to quit, as you could be putting your job at risk.

Be thoughtful when addressing the possibility of accepting a position at another company. Do so in a manner that is subtle rather than threatening. You might consider telling your employer how much you love the job, but you feel you should be compensated better for your quality work.

Also, avoid guilt-tripping your boss. While he or she may be sympathetic that your rent just went up, it isn’t relevant to your work performance and should not be used as any kind of argument for a pay increase. Rather than providing personal reasons, focus on showcasing your value to the company.

7. Prepare for Possible Rejection

When asking for a raise, it’s best to remain rational and objective and not bring your emotions into the conversation. If you aren’t prepared to hear “no,” then you might end up saying or doing something in the heat of the moment that you could wind up regretting.

Accept the fact you might be rejected and have a plan of action in the event that it happens. It may be possible to negotiate a reasonable bonus structure instead, or perhaps negotiate a smaller raise. You might ask your boss what you can do to increase the possibility of a future raise.

There Is Help If Workplace Issues Are Affecting Your Life

Asking for a raise can be nerve-racking for even the most confident employee. But if you’re experiencing anxiety stemming from concerns about your pay or other workplace issues that interfere with your ability to carry out your duties, consider finding a qualified therapist or counselor experienced in dealing with workplace problems.

We spend nearly a third of our adult lives at work, which inevitably spills over into our personal lives. If you need help sorting through feelings, experiences, or even trauma as a result of your work environment, there are people in or near your community trained to help with those issues.

References:

1. Morgan, H. (2015, January 15). How to Ask for A Raise—and Actually Get It. S. News. Retrieved from http://money.usnews.com/money/blogs/outside-voices-careers/2015/01/14/how-to-ask-for-a-raise-and-actually-get-it
2. Triffin, M. (2014, May 7). How to Ask for A Raise—and Get it. Retrieved from: http://www.forbes.com/sites/learnvest/2014/05/07/how-to-ask-for-a-raise-and-get-it/

These days, stress and work often go hand in hand. Many of us can’t even imagine what our jobs would be like if they didn’t stress us out at least a little bit. In fact, a recent survey conducted for the American Institute of Stress found that more than 80% of Americans find at least one aspect of their jobs stressful.

Although many factors contributing to work-related stress are out of one’s control, there are many habits we engage in that can make our work days all the more nerve-racking. Here are nine bad habits at work that could be increasing your job stress, along with some suggestions on ways to overcome them:

1. Procrastination

Waiting until the last possible minute to do something isn’t good for anybody’s nerves. Studies show that people who procrastinate have higher stress levels, lower overall well-being, and poorer performance outcomes than those who tackle a task right away.

The best way to combat procrastination is to just get started. Even if you don’t finish what you start, getting the ball rolling helps and makes the overall project less daunting. Just do it; don’t wait. If you put everything off to the last minute, you’re certain to feel more stressed, not to mention you leave little room for revision or error.

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2. Running Late

Let’s face it: running late is stressful. When you’re already late, it seems like everything takes longer, traffic is heavier, and people move slower. If you are always running late and in a hurry, you’re constantly stressing yourself out. Who wants to start their work day feeling stressed?

Break this habit by getting started 10 or even five minutes earlier. Conceptualize how much time you think you need to get ready, and then simply add 10 minutes (or five) to it. Those extra minutes will provide the leeway you need to help remain calm on the way to work, which inevitably impacts the rest of your day.

3. Not Taking Breaks

To maintain low stress levels, take a break! Breaks are important for maintaining your mental health.

If you think skipping breaks makes you more productive, think again. It can actually have the opposite effect. Studies have shown that taking regular breaks increases both productivity and creativity. Think of the mind like you would a muscle. If you overwork your muscles, they get fatigued. The same goes for your brain. It needs rest, too.

4. Poor Planning

When you leave work at the end of each day, you should have a general outline of tasks for the next morning. If you go in each day without a plan of action, you’ll be less productive, end up wasting time, and increase your stress in the long run when you have difficulty keeping up with your workload.

Decrease your stress by coming to work prepared and acknowledging your duties first thing in the morning or whenever you arrive. One of the last things you should do each day is make a to-do list of work that needs to be done the next day. There are many tools available to help with this, such as a traditional planner or an app that will help you keep you on task (there are several).

5. Focusing on the Negative

If you’re constantly complaining about your boss, your workload, or your coworkers, you’re making your job more difficult. Complaining alone rarely solves anything; it just brings you and those around you down. In the workplace, attitude is very much contagious.

You can’t hate what you do 40-plus hours a week and keep your stress levels low.

Complaining in small amounts can be healthy; it allows us to vent our frustrations and acknowledge our feelings. But when you make a habit of complaining, it can start to wreak havoc on your life and affect your coworkers. To change this habit, consider spending a few moments at the end of each day (after writing your to-do list for tomorrow) thinking and writing down up to three things that were positive about your work day. Maybe you exceeded productivity, maybe you helped a customer, or maybe you helped a coworker with something he or she was struggling with. Jot it down and remove yourself from the negative thought patterns we all fall into when situations in life seem crummy.

6. Hating Your Job

Consider that you will spend almost a third of your adult life at work. If you really can’t stand your job and find yourself dreading every Monday morning, you might want to consider looking for another job or changing careers. You can’t hate what you do 40-plus hours a week and keep your stress levels low.

To change this habit and get your life moving in a direction that brings you greater satisfaction, consider finding a therapist or career counselor to work with. If you meet with a therapist, he or she may be able to help you discover emotional or behavioral issues that contribute to your job dissatisfaction. A career counselor may help you discover something more in line with your values, work ethic, and interests.

7. Bringing Work Home with You

Sometimes, circumstances make working at home unavoidable. When you can, however, leave your work at work.

In modern society, many of us carry our phones, laptops, or tablets with us regularly. This helps us facilitate work in different ways, but it can also take away time spent with family, relaxing, or performing other self-care activities. If you find yourself answering work calls at the dinner table, make an effort to ditch the digital leash. If you can minimize the amount of time you think about work when you aren’t at work, you’ll likely find that your work-related stress will decrease.

8. Sitting All Day

Some studies indicate that working at a desk or sitting at work all day is about as unhealthy as smoking cigarettes. Sitting for prolonged periods puts an incredible amount of pressure on the spine and increases tension within the body. This often manifests as physical stress, which releases the stress hormone cortisol. Cortisol can be responsible for weight gain, physical health problems, and can affect your mental health as well.

The best way to break this habit is to simply get moving. Make it a point to stand for at least one hour a day or do an exercise on your break. Walk around your building, take the stairs throughout the day, or take a walk after dinner. While seated at work, you can also make sure you keep good posture and stretch regularly. Adding some activity throughout the day can also benefit your productivity.

9. Neglecting Work-Life Balance

It’s easy to get caught up in our careers and neglect other areas of our lives. If you find you’re working too much and playing too little, make the time in your life for recreation to help decrease your stress levels. If you’re able to take a vacation, consider it an investment in your health.

It is important to maintain a work-life balance. In addition to recreational activities, consider whether you are making enough time for your family or friends. If you continually focus on work and don’t take care of your other needs, you’re bound to end up feeling stressed. You need to always be practicing self-care or stress will take its toll.

If Work Stress Is Getting the Best of You, Help Is Available

Stress can be detrimental to your health. It is the root cause in many instances of mental and physical health issues, including anxiety, depression, heart disease, sleep disturbances, digestive problems, weight gain/loss, concentration issues, and memory impairment. Interestingly, many researchers also say that work is the most significant cause of stress among American adults.

Breaking the aforementioned habits can help you drastically reduce your work-related stress, but sometimes you might need to do deeper work emotionally, behaviorally, or cognitively to break a negative thought pattern or get back to a place where you can function at your best. Because of this, many therapists and mental health professionals are trained to help people cope with and overcome workplace issues. If you find that work-related stress is impacting your life in a negative way, consider reaching out to a mental health professional to increase your satisfaction and happiness at your current job, or to help you get on the path to a new, more fulfilling one.

References:

1. Jaffe, Eric. (2013). Why Wait? The Science Behind Procrastination. Association of Psychological Science. Retrieved from http://www.psychologicalscience.org/index.php/publications/observer/2013/april-13/why-wait-the-science-behind-procrastination.html
2. Korkki, Phyllis. (2012, June 16). To Stay on Schedule, Take a Break. The New York Times. Retrieved from http://www.nytimes.com/2012/06/17/jobs/take-breaks-regularly-to-stay-on-schedule-workstation.html?_r=0
3. Mayo Clinic Staff. (2013, July 11). Chronic Stress Puts Your Health at Risk. Mayo Clinic. Retrieved from http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/stress-management/in-depth/stress/art-20046037?pg=1
4. Workplace Stress. The American Institute of Stress. Retrieved from http://www.stress.org/workplace-stress/

Editor’s note: How do egalitarian couples with a shared goal of equal partnership navigate differing work demands? In deciding what to address this month for her ongoing series about relationships under intense work demands, the author grasped at what was right in front of her: the dynamics of partners who work different shifts. Specifically, this month she’s writing about partners whose work hours are as different as night and day. How do partners with these contrasting schedules make it work?

At the beginning of the month, my partner worked the second of two holidays at the hospital. As a resident physician in her department, she was given the choice to take off Christmas or New Year’s, but not both. If you picked or were assigned off for Christmas, like she was, you had three glorious days—from Christmas Eve through the day after Christmas—where you didn’t need to be at the hospital.

Of course, if you were off for Christmas, you worked over New Year’s. As I mentioned in an earlier column, my partner works in obstetrics and gynecology, and it turns out that people don’t stop having babies just because it’s a holiday.

So for the week of New Year’s, to cover for those on vacation like others had done for her, she worked a 24-hour shift every other day. Then she started a four-week block of nights.

You can imagine our adjustment as a couple—from the rare shared-vacation bliss and relaxation, to full days where we don’t see one another, to weeks where she’s going to bed as I’m getting up in the morning.

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I fear the potential of living parallel lives with my partner, with no intersection or coming together. I think most of us in healthy relationships strive to avoid this possibility. But what do we do when our schedules don’t line up?

To keep a complex topic simple, I came up with a “top five” tip list of common challenges and issues of contention for partners who work conflicting day/night combinations. First up is the most obvious: partners who work contrasting shifts don’t see each other nearly as often as they would like to!

1. Recognize that loneliness may come, and strategize about how to effectively cope with it. A woman named Jess wrote a great piece for Offbeat Home and Life (2013) reaffirming that, no, these schedules aren’t ideal, especially at first, but there are perks. Partners may have the ability to confront codependent tendencies and become more independent and self-assured. They can seek out their own friendships and hobbies—after all, you aren’t in a good place to take care of your partner if you’re not taking care of yourself.
2. Make time for intimacy and connection. Find effective ways to have sex, make decisions, and resolve conflicts. For one couple, what were usually conflicting times of sexual arousal (before bed and in the morning) actually worked out well when their work schedules didn’t otherwise match up. Bernstein (2014) writes that “physical closeness, even without sex, stimulates the hormone oxytocin, which reduces stress and promotes bonding.” Some contact is crucial! Regarding decision making: Dr. Tina Tessina (n.d.) points out that when two partners aren’t home at the same time for days on end, some decisions will likely need to be made unilaterally, which can “create an uncomfortable change in the power structure of your relationship.” Partners need to discuss and get onboard with that reality. Tessina also spells out some great ways of resolving conflicts with schedule restrictions in the mix.
3. Respect your partner’s sleep needs—and your own. Jess of Offbeat Home (2013) cautions that it can be tempting to wake up your partner to get him or her to spend time with you, and it can also be tempting to neglect sleep in favor of precious time together, but resist doing either of these in excess. Less sleep for either of you (or both!) can lead to chronic cycles of dysfunction and feud. In her Babble column “Love on Opposite Shifts,” Chaunie Brusie (2014) writes that a coworker was so resentful of her night shift-working husband seeming to “sleep the day away” that she started counting the hours he slept, only to find that he was sleeping normal amounts. Bonus! Enjoy a higher quality of sleep: There’s evidence to suggest that couples sleeping separately can reduce sleep disturbances (BBC News, 2009; CBC News, 2013) and actually promote peace instead of escalating tensions based on differing sleep needs (Bernstein, 2014), so to boost all of our relationship-egos I’ve included references about sleeping separately in the list below. I know that this largely excludes the effects of working nights on circadian rhythm and that it’s nearly impossible to revel in the silver lining when your arrangement isn’t one you’ve chosen for this reason, but it’s still worth noting.
4. Utilize technology creatively and often. Sending picture texts or updates about your day, calling to say goodnight at a bedtime that’s not your own—these efforts can go a long way.
5. Rekindle the lost art of love letters! We write love notes often, so this isn’t something different when my partner goes on nights, but last year, when our work schedules prevented us from seeing one another for days on end while we were both working action-packed jobs, our letters became more vivid and interesting, and I felt closer to her for sharing them. Plus, it was easy to see how much the other person missed us. It feels good to be missed. So long as there’s a payoff, missing your partner is the sign of a good thing—not a symptom of impending doom.

Whatever your schedule and sleep needs, I hope you find peace after reading that there are others like you who are making their partnerships work in reliably creative ways.

Be well!

References:

1. BBC News. (2009). Bed sharing ‘bad for your health.’ BBC News. Retrieved from http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/8245578.stm
2. Bernstein, E. (2014). Couples on different sleeps schedules can expect conflict—and adapt. Wall Street Journal. Retrieved from http://www.wsj.com/articles/couples-on-different-sleep-schedules-can-expect-conflictand-adapt-1410217854
3. Brusie, C. (2014). Love on opposite shifts. Babble. Retrieved from http://www.babble.com/relationships/love-on-opposite-shifts-2/
4. CBC News. (2013). More couples opting to sleep in separate beds, study suggests. CBC News. Retrieved from http://www.cbc.ca/news/health/more-couples-opting-to-sleep-in-separate-beds-study-suggests-1.1316019
5. J. (2012). Shift work: Learning to love our offbeat schedules. Offbeat Home & Life. Retrieved from http://offbeathome.com/2013/02/different-schedules
6. Tessina, T. (n.d.). Marriage advice for work schedules: Same love, different shifts. Your Tango. Retrieved from http://www.yourtango.com/experts/dr-tina-tessina/dr-romance-married-different-shifts

Being unable to speak up at work can have long-lasting negative consequences. It can lead to stress, burnout, or render you almost invisible in a setting where promotions and raises depend on visibility.

When you’re assertive, you ask for what you need, you talk openly about what you want, and you recognize when someone is taking advantage of you. You can approach the things you do with confidence and make a direct impact on your environment. But this does not come easily for everyone.

There are two important components to becoming more assertive: (1) learning to treat yourself with respect, and (2) building communication skills.

1. Recognize Your Value

The first step toward becoming more assertive is nurturing a realistic and respectful perspective on your value as a person. Many people struggle with attribution problems—attributing their failures to internal flaws (“I’m just no good at this, no matter how hard I try”) and their successes to luck (“That went well because it was easier than everyone thought it would be”), contributing to gnawing self-doubt and potentially a sense of worthlessness.

Take a step back and think about what you contribute to your workplace. For now, try to quiet any internal criticism that wants to scrutinize your flaws, mistakes, and failures; those thoughts can evoke shame and cloud your ability to see your positive attributes. Take a balanced inventory of who you’ve been at work, noting both good things that you’ve done and anything you might want to improve.

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2. Know Your Rights

Educate yourself on the things you’re entitled to in your workplace. The big wall of posted notices in your lunchroom, your employee policy manual, your job description—you might not know what’s in all of that available material, despite it having important information.

Learning to be assertive in your workplace includes learning the legal and ethical boundaries of what you can expect from your work environment. For example, if you find that you’re frustrated by being expected to work through lunch four times a week, this material can tell you if that expectation violates laws in your state, which can support your desire to stand up for what you need. If you are being harassed or subjected to mistreatment, there may be protections in place to help you. Knowledge can help empower you to seek what you need.

3. Know Your Boundaries

Learning and respecting your personal boundaries is an important step toward regulating stress and frustration. Taking on extra projects despite missing important family events, or continuing to answer work emails from your bed despite the interference with a proper night’s rest—burnout is made of these ingredients. Think about what you can realistically expect of yourself and respect your limitations. We are all bound by our humanness and by time; there is no getting around those things, even if deadlines are looming.

Everyone benefits from your direct communication. Being exhausted or resentful is not only miserable, it keeps you from performing at your best.

4. Prepare and Practice

First, prepare for being assertive at work in the safety of your journal, your therapy, or your close relationships. Imagine what it might be like to communicate something difficult to your coworker or your boss. Ask yourself the following questions: What is my goal? What do I want to say? How would I like to say it?

Act it out in your mind, playing out both the ideal scenario and the scenario that scares you the most. Try talking it through with a loved one who would be open to role playing. Say aloud what you would like to communicate at work. If you don’t, when the moment comes, your nerves might get you tongue-tied and it can feel easier to give up. Consider the things that are often difficult for you to say (for example, “No, I can’t,” or, “That makes me uncomfortable”) and rehearse them for future use.

5. Learn the Difference Between Assertive and Aggressive

Many people quiet their voices because they have come to believe that speaking up is synonymous to being bossy, pushy, or disrespectful of other people. Being assertive does not have to be any of those things; it only means to value your own thoughts, feelings, and voice as well as those of others.

You can continue to be a kind, likable person while communicating directly. Assertive communication doesn’t look to bulldoze over other people (that would be aggressive communication). Its goal is to create the best outcome for you in cooperation with the others in your workplace. “I disagree with that” is assertive and honest, and it opens up further conversation to move toward resolution. “What kind of stupid idea is that?” is aggressive and minimizing, and it shuts down conversation.

6. Keep Growing

The more you learn and grow, the more connected you can feel to your skills and your knowledge. Confidence is rooted in knowing yourself, your value, and the things you can offer to the world around you. Continue to cultivate your career, and acknowledge how your efforts and strengths bring benefits to your work environment.

Have patience with yourself as you make these changes. You may stumble through difficult conversations or lose nerve at the last moment. That’s OK—many new things are hard at first, and building a direct communication style is a process.

If you find that being assertive is particularly difficult, you can also address the issue through assertiveness training programs, group psychotherapy, or individual psychotherapy.

Popular wisdom suggests that a messy work space is the product of a creative and unique mind. At least one study has found support for this claim, noting that a messy space can be a source of creativity and inspiration. If you’re concerned about promoting an ethical environment, though, it might be time to rethink your work space. According to a collection of three different Rice University studies, the feelings of disgust associated with an unclean work space might give rise to unethical behavior.

How Disgust Changes Behavior

Disgust helps protect people from dangerous or questionable situations. The disgust you feel when looking at rotten food, for example, prevents you from eating a potentially toxic meal. The study’s authors speculated that disgust might make people more self-interested, decreasing their willingness to help or notice others. After all, disgust can be an overpowering emotion that provokes an immediate desire to escape the disgusting situation. 

Ethics and Disgust

To test their hypothesis about how disgust affects behavior, researchers induced disgust in nearly 600 participants. In one trial, participants contemplated “disgusting” products such as cat litter, incontinence products, and anti-diarrhea medication. Researchers asked a second group to write an essay about their most disgusting memory, and a third group watched a toilet scene from the movie Trainspotting.

After inducing feelings of disgust, researchers administered a series of tests to evaluate participants’ willingness to lie and cheat for financial benefit. Those who reported higher levels of disgust were also more likely to lie, cheat, and engage in other self-centered behaviors. [fat_widget_left]

In a second trial, researchers induced a state of disgust, then asked participants to contemplate various household cleaners. Participants who evaluated the cleaners were no more likely to engage in dishonest behavior than those who did not experience disgust.

The study’s authors believe their results point to the value of a clean environment. When people feel disgusted by their surroundings, they’re less likely to behave ethically. But when that disgust is “cleaned”—either metaphorically, by thinking about cleaning products, or literally, by removing the source of the disgust—people may behave more ethically.

A 2008 sociological experiment made a similar observation after evaluating the effects of urban disorder, such as litter and graffiti, on people’s behavior. Researchers found that passersby were more likely to participate in vandalism and other minor infractions in environments where these kinds of activities were already taking place. This study was based on the “broken windows theory,” introduced in the early 1980s by Dr. George Kelling to explain how dilapidated areas, like abandoned buildings with broken windows, inspire further vandalism.

Of course, an unclean environment that doesn’t promote disgust, such as a slightly disheveled desk, is unlikely to lead to unethical behavior. For managers, parents, and other people who perpetually ask others to clean up their mess, though, this study provides one more point in favor of a clean work space.

References:

1. Can the can. (2008, November 20). Retrieved from http://www.economist.com/node/12630201
2. Falk, J. (2014, November 13). Rice U. study: Disgust leads people to lie and cheat; cleanliness promotes ethical behavior. Retrieved from http://news.rice.edu/2014/11/13/rice-u-study-disgust-leads-people-to-lie-and-cheat-cleanliness-promotes-ethical-behavior/

Most of us experience work stress, but can too many responsibilities, unrealistic expectations, and personality conflicts at work lead to an experience of trauma victimization over time?

In my years of private psychotherapy practice, I’ve seen several cases where individuals experience signs similar to posttraumatic stress as a result of work problems. In the beginning, I found this slightly odd. I wondered: could negative work experiences really lead to reactions similar to trauma experiences, like war or sexual assault? Lately, in conversations with colleagues, I’ve discovered this is fairly common, particularly in certain professions.

How Your Work Environment Can Leave You Feeling Victimized

I recently interviewed Arkansas professional counselor Rev. Rebecca Spooner, an ordained minister who left ministry to become a therapist. She specializes in counseling pastors and their families, and said that feeling victimized and traumatized by their work environment is relatively common among members of the clergy. Rev. Spooner explained that the demands and expectations of modern ministry set pastors up for personal failure and emotional trauma.

“The paradigms in ministry are flawed,” Spooner said. “A hundred years ago, pastors had four jobs: marry, bury, baptize, and preach on Sunday. Today, ministers are expected to be marriage therapists and grief counselors, organizational leaders, facilities and staff managers, marketing coordinators, community relations specialists, bloggers, motivational speakers, spiritual teachers, salespeople (increasing membership and giving), budget managers, visit the sick, be a friend, and serve on regional committees! It’s completely unrealistic. It sets everyone up for disappointment.”

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These experiences are similar to what’s happening in private companies in recent times, particularly since the economic crash of 2008. Companies have laid off people and expect those who remain to do more work for less pay. New performance measures are adding pressure, and employees are micromanaged. Among the EAP (Employee Assistance Program) referrals I see in my office, stress related to new and unrealistic work performance expectations ranks at the top of the list.

The people who see me for help with work-related stress have complaints that are similar to what Rev. Spooner sees among clergy: insomnia, irritability, mood swings, anger, feelings of disappointment and disillusionment about their career and employer, confusion about why they are unable to meet the demands placed on them, hopelessness, anxiety and fear, fatigue, muscle tension, family problems, feelings of isolation, ineffective coping, and substance abuse. It’s a long list! Work stress is a big problem in America.

Many of us are familiar with trauma reactions after major catastrophes, but few of us realize that a work environment characterized by unrealistic demands, personality conflicts, and limited free time for leisure can, over time, create an experience of victimization.

3 Ways Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Can Help

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) helps individuals shift from perceiving themselves as having little control over their circumstances to becoming empowered to either change outside pressures or learn to cope with and relate to them differently. With practice, CBT techniques can help reduce stress and anxiety, improve mood, and increase confidence.

CBT treatment has helped ministers reduce the experience of stress and trauma caused by the challenges of their profession. These same techniques can also help most people heal from various traumatic and emotionally difficult situations. CBT reduces distress and helps to restore emotional balance. Here are three techniques from cognitive behavioral therapy to use in your own life.

1. Learn to identify the thoughts that increase your anxiety and your self-doubt. A large majority of individuals who come to see me for anxiety therapy are quite surprised when I mention that their thoughts are likely causing their anxiety. Most people believe anxiety is something that happens to them, something over which they have no control. But in fact, how we talk to ourselves about the situations we face has a great deal to do with how we feel. For example, if a minister tells herself that because her church is not growing she is not an effective leader and has failed God, she is likely to feel emotionally upset and believe that she is not capable of growing the church. By repeating self-defeating thoughts in her head, her self-esteem erodes. Eventually, she may just give up trying altogether and become depressed. This is the trick trauma plays on us: it tells us that something is wrong with us and that we are helpless, but most of the time our thoughts are not true.
2. Dispute the thought. Once you’ve identified the anxiety-producing or self-defeating thought, it’s time to dispute it. Here’s an example: “If I don’t grow the church, I’ll get fired.” Let’s examine if that thought is true. In most denominations, firing a pastor takes effort. First, the leadership of the church has to vote that they have lost confidence in the pastor. Then, they have to bring the issue to a congregational vote. In many cases, a national mediator becomes involved to help resolve the conflict and improve the employee/employer relationship between the church and the pastor. So the thought, “If I don’t grow the church, I’ll get fired” is not exactly true. What’s much more likely to happen is that if the church is not growing and leaders are dissatisfied, a conversation will occur about why that’s happening. And hopefully, that conversation will lead to solutions. Notice your own thoughts and question them. Are they true? How do you know for sure? What are some alternative explanations that might be more true?
3. Learn to relax. The third CBT technique that Rev. Spooner uses is relaxation training. When we learn to relax the tension in our muscles and reduce the speed of our thoughts, our brains function better. They see things more clearly. Gen. Colin Powell has a rule. He tells himself, “It ain’t as bad as you think. It will look better in the morning.” That’s partly because when our brains are rested, we see situations differently. Relaxation training can teach you to rest your brain. My personal hope is that one day, we will collectively learn to be realistic about our demands and expectations of people and be kinder to one another. Until then, if you find yourself feeling victimized, excessively pressured, or doubt your worth or abilities, try CBT. It really can help!

Occupation can be a risk factor for suicide. In addition to psychological issues, poor physical health, and general life stress, the occupation that someone holds can present an additional suicide risk via access to lethal means. According to a recent study conducted by S.E. Roberts of the College of Medicine at Swansea University in the United Kingdom, doctors, nurses, and veterinarians had some of the highest suicide rates by occupation in the past 30 years. The results of this study reveal some positive trends and raise awareness about other occupations that can pose a heightened risk for suicide.

Roberts looked at occupation, access to deadly means, socioeconomic status, gender, and national economic condition over a 30-year period to determine which factors most influenced occupational suicide rates. The results revealed that in the early 1980s, veterinarians, dentists, doctors, pharmacists, and farmers had some of the highest suicide rates. This could be influenced by easy access to pharmaceuticals and weapons.

Then, in the early 2000s, these occupations saw decreases in suicides. At the same time, manual labor occupations had increases in suicides. These occupations included construction, merchant marines, coal mining, trash collectors, and drivers, among others. Roberts believes that the reorganization within these industries could be partly responsible for increased rates of unemployment and subsequent increases in suicides.

When Roberts looked at socioeconomic status as a risk factor, it was revealed that suicide rates doubled in the 30-year period for those most economically disadvantaged. Unlike early statistics, it appears that socioeconomic condition has emerged as a more salient risk factor than access to lethal means in this British sample. Further, men were more likely than women to commit suicide across all occupations and socioeconomic statuses.

Another risk factor that was identified was isolation, as artists, actors and entertainers had higher rates of suicide than some other occupational groups. Despite increases in some areas, Roberts pointed out that interventions aimed at reducing suicide in high risk occupations, such as one tailored for farmers, have proven to be effective at reducing suicides over time. Roberts added, “This indicates that carefully targeted suicide prevention initiatives for other occupations could be important.

Reference:
Roberts, S. E., B. Jaremin, and K. Lloyd. (2013). High-risk occupations for suicide. Psychological Medicine 43.6 (2013): 1231-40.ProQuest. Web.

You’ve probably seen videos of big, furious guys going after little guys. It doesn’t look like a fair fight at first, but there can be surprises—and sometimes the little guys win. I’ve been studying tai chi, learning how people can defeat themselves by misusing their energy and losing their center of balance.

Sometimes life feels like a wrestling match. We’ve all been there—stuck with someone who is just relentlessly on the attack, who pushes all our buttons looking for a fight. “Arlene” grew up like that, and for a long time she equated rage with strength because her parents did. In her family, people fought to prove that they were powerful and in control. They did this because they needed to take their anger out on other people, and because they believed they lived in a dog-eat-dog world and they wanted everybody else to live there, too. Arlene couldn’t bear to live in a world like that. She worked hard and long, and with therapy, yoga, and the help of her husband’s patience and good nature, she learned to have better control of her anger. She found out that the world can be very different. She learned how to walk away from meaningless fights.

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Sometimes, anger is justified. If someone stomps on your foot, you might yell. If you grew up in a bad neighborhood anger can be a protection, but if you stay angry long enough, everywhere you look you’ll find something or someone who makes you mad. For some people, getting mad can be a circular process—the madder you are, the madder you get—until there’s just no stopping. A few people seem predisposed to anger; they are just born that way.

Which brings us to “Ramona.” She thinks everyone is against her, so she fights with everybody, which turns people against her and kind of proves she’s right. If someone makes an innocent joke, she often takes it the wrong way; she gets upset if she thinks people aren’t paying her enough attention or giving her the admiration she feels she deserves. It’s all about her. She takes everything literally, feels threatened, and has little sense of humor. She’s controlling—it’s her way or the highway. Ramona is always angry and disappointed.

This is tough on her friends, family, and coworkers. Ramona needs to be adored and obeyed, and if she doesn’t get what she wants, she goes into a rage. Some people admire her; she is smart, talented, and can be very funny. Many people are scared of her; they don’t tell her what they think because she yells long and loud, so they just clam up and ride out the storm.

One day Arlene was hired at Ramona’s workplace, and the two of them were put in the same unit. When the unit met for its weekly conference, their supervisor, “Alonzo,” led off the meeting, saying the company needed to make more sales. Ramona spoke at length about improving the business and had plenty of ideas, some very good ones, but she wasn’t interested in listening to anyone else and interrupted when other people were talking. She interrupted Arlene, too, who called her on it, and then Ramona went on the attack and yelled at Arlene. Other members of the group tensed up, anticipating a shouting match, but Arlene had a different tactic. She said she admired much of what Ramona thought, but wanted to hear what others had to say and to share her own ideas, too. Ramona got very angry and screamed even more at Arlene, who just listened. The other members of the meeting were watching Arlene. After the meeting was over, Arlene told Ramona not to yell at her anymore.

There was another meeting. Ramona yelled at Arlene again. Arlene had previously warned Ramona that the next time Ramona started yelling Arlene would leave the meeting, which is exactly what happened. Arlene got up and walked out, ending the meeting.

Alonzo called Arlene into his office and asked what happened. Arlene said, “Ramona never stops talking and yelling, and a lot of people don’t like it but they’re too scared to say anything. I tried over and over to get her to stop, but she didn’t listen. She’s always like this. So I just walked away.”

“Why didn’t you yell back?” Alonzo asked. “Were you too scared?”

Arlene answered, “No, she doesn’t scare me. I just refuse to be yelled at, so I walked out. Yelling back at her would never work; it would be a shouting match, and I don’t like yelling anyway. I simply told Ramona that if she yelled at me I wasn’t going to shout back or stand around and listen to her scream, either—I was going to leave, which is exactly what I did.”

“Don’t you stand up for yourself?” Alonzo said.

“Leaving was standing up for myself,” she replied. “This argument was basically meaningless. If we don’t agree, we can discuss things, but not Ramona. She just likes to yell. I mean, yelling? What are we, in junior high?” Alonzo agreed that Ramona was out of line.

Alonzo transferred Ramona to a position where her intelligence and creativity were called into play, but where she didn’t have to work with others. It was a horizontal move, not the promotion that Ramona thought she deserved and that Arlene got—she took over Alonzo’s job when he was promoted.

Arlene won. Ramona defeated herself.

In a world increasingly centered on a work culture, it can be nearly impossible to fit in quality time with your significant other. An ever-increasing list of chores, stressful jobs, and demands from family, children, and friends can cause your relationship to slide to the back burner.

The challenges of juggling your schedule and your relationship can become even more daunting if you and your significant other work at different times. Freelancers might be perpetually on call, while a partner who works the night shift might struggle with chronic exhaustion. Managing conflicting schedules doesn’t mean giving up on your relationship, though. With a little ingenuity, you can have plenty of quality time together.

Creating a Family Schedule

Creating a goal list and scheduling your day can help you achieve work-related goals, but you can adopt the same system for scheduling time with your partner. Rather than hoping to get some time together when you both have a free moment, try actively scheduling time together and planning activities. Scheduling allows you to anticipate how long a particular activity will take, and encourages you to commit to time with your partner.

Taking Advantage of Flexibility

If you have some flexibility in your work schedule, work with your partner to create a schedule together. This can maximize the number of “off” hours you have at the same time. For example, if you work the night shift and your partner is a freelancer, try asking your partner to schedule meetings at the beginning of your shift so he or she has to spend less time working during your time off.

Prioritizing the Relationship

A never-ending list of tasks and work obligations can be incredibly daunting. Your relationship, however, is an important obligation and a source of emotional well-being. If you’re constantly busy, it’s tempting to refuse to do anything fun until you’ve completed all of your work-related activities. While this might make you efficient, it can also make you unhappy. Treat your relationship the way you treat work, and prioritize time with your significant other, even if it means delaying other tasks.

Taking Time Off

For couples who work different shifts, weekends, holidays, and vacations play a key role in spending time together. Take advantage of your time off, and schedule your breaks so that they coincide with one another. If your partner is a contractor whose busy season is the spring, for example, try constructing your own schedule so that you can take more time off during a less busy time of year.

Regular Communication

If you can’t spend regular time together, brief bursts of communication can help you maintain intimacy and give you a strong incentive to work together to prioritize the relationship. Send your partner text messages during the day, or take a few minutes to chat online or over the phone. A sweet note in your partner’s briefcase or a quick reminder via chat that you love your partner can help you feel close even if you have to spend long hours apart.

Establishing Clear Boundaries

Setting boundaries with your job or your clients is a must if you want to keep your relationship running smoothly. If you have control over your own schedule, ensure that your schedule is as consistent as possible, with clear “on” and “off” hours. Unless it’s an emergency, don’t take work-related phone calls or answer work emails when you’re home. It’s also important to set boundaries with your partner. This doesn’t mean shutting him or her out while you’re at work. Instead, it’s vital to ensure that your partner knows your schedule and knows when you are and aren’t working. This is particularly important for people who work from home or who are on-call. If your partner knows that you’re working or that it’s possible you might get called into work, your job won’t feel like as much of an intrusion.

References:

1. Cooper, S. (2012, May 22). Marriage-saving rules for couples working from home. Forbes. Retrieved from http://www.forbes.com/sites/stevecooper/2012/05/22/marriage-saving-rules-for-couples-working-from-home/
2. Tessina, T. (n.d.). Dr. Romance: Married, different shifts. Divorce360.com. Retrieved from http://www.divorce360.com/divorce-articles/causes-of-divorce/neglect/dr-romance-married-different-shifts.aspx?artid=1642